Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah
Hey Mom. Hi Dad.
You guys didn't pick up your phone again, so I guess you're on another expedition where you don't have service. So just so you know, I'm gonna call Aunt Holiday and Aunt Lofty after I leave this message and see if they'll come get me.
I know you said that Camp Everfree wasn't in our budget this year... but this new camp is awful! It's bad enough that Applebloom and Sweetie Belle aren't here, but there's, like, nothing here that's like the brochure described!
For a camp that's supposed to be music themed, we haven't done so much as a single song. One guy tried to get a campfire song going last night, and one of the counselors snapped at him to shut it! Like, really? I mean, yeah he was pretty bad, but she was clutching her chest like he was giving her a heart attack. Sometimes it feels like they're actually trying to make us angry and miserable.
In fact, there's something weird about all the staff here. I can't put my finger on it, but I swear I know these three girls from somewhere. Like the athletics director, Coach Adante Dribble. She's got this condescending aura that's really familiar for some reason. Also, such a cheapskate! There's this big locker, more like a vault really, where all the sports equipment is kept and she charges us to take anything out! And I heard from some of the other campers that she keeps raising the prices too!
At least she's better than the camp nurse, Aerial Laze. I've never seen a doctor less interested in keeping people safe. Some kid scraped his knee real bad, and she told him to suck it up! And if that weren't enough, she's always forcing campers to give her massages. Seriously, I don't think I've ever seen her sitting down without some uncomfortable camper working on her shoulders. It's weird!
And then there's the chef. She's friendly at least, but I think she might be foreign. Her name's Sonata Personyouveevermetbefore. Wherever she's from, they must like tacos there, because that's all she serves! Morning, noon, and night it's nothing but tacos everyday!
Though, actually, the breakfast tacos are pretty neat. She takes a pancake and like folds it in half and fills it with fruit and stuff. And there is a dessert fridge but all it ever has is fudge. But still!
And the dining hall! Don't even get me started on that. You remember the one from the pictures? Big and roomy, kinda art deco, with state-of-the-art equipment? Yeah, that building's shut down for repairs and from the look of it, no one's worked on it in years. We all eat in the "minor dining hall" which is so tiny I swear it was meant to be just another cabin or something. Way overstuffed with furniture too, like it all came from a bigger building.
Oh also, the dining hall has this... I don't know how to describe it. You know those stuffed animals they have in hunting lodges? Up on the walls? The dining hall has one of those, but it's a person. It's really super fake, but it's still creepy cause it looks like a kid our age. There's some kind of Latin writing beneath it, and one of the other campers said it means "Feast with fear" or something, but I don't know how much I can believe them.
Ugh, speaking of the other campers, they're no picnic either. It's like Camp Everfree took all the normal people and all the weirdos came here.
Well... maybe they're not all bad. But most of them are!
Like there's these quadruplet sisters called Spring Blossom, Summer Sands, Autumn Harvest, and Winter Chill. They have got to be the most hyper and enthusiastic girls I've ever met. You remember Pinkie Pie, from my school who served us at that diner that one time? Imagine that whole thing that happened with her, but times four, times every day, and then times another thousand for good measure. And I don't know if they might be bipolar or something, but they get angry at the drop of a hat. Like just this morning they were counting out their money to see if they could afford to rent some balls, and when they found they were one penny short of what they thought they had they went absolutely ballistic. Destroyed their whole cabin.
There's people worse than them, but I don't wanna even talk about them.
I guess the other campers wouldn't be so bad if there were literally any activities to do here.
You remember the lake? How the brochure said they had skiing, parasailing, surfing, and like a dozen other watersports? Ha! Well we could if only it wasn't swan mating season apparently. No one can get within ten feet of the shore without getting charged by a feathery honking death machine.
And if the birds weren't bad enough, there's the bugs. I don't know if they built these cabins on top of Zebricanized killer hives or what, but there's bees everywhere. Flying into your face, flying into your food, landing on the most colorful kids cause they think they're flowers. We can barely go outside most days.
So, having said all this, can I please come home early? I can stay with my Aunts; they won't mind! I just can't stand another day in this horrible, mismanaged, run-down and-
"Hey, Scootaloo!"
Huh? Oh! H-hey, uh, Kick Flip, right?
That's my name, don't wear out! A bunch of the guys and me are gonna go sneak into the big boarded up dining hall, see if we can have some fun. Ollie already went in and said there's a big open space and lots of wicked piles of junk. Might see if we can build some skateboards and ramps or something. You in?
Uh... uh... Y-yeah! That actually sounds pretty awesome! Just let me wrap up something on my phone.
Gotcha. We're all meeting by the flagpole. See ya in a hot second Scoots!
OK! See ya!
...
Ohmigosh he was so...!
Squee!
Wait...oh horsefeathers! Is my phone still recording? Did the mic catch that?
H-Hey again. Sorry the phone just went quiet there for a bit. The... situation has changed in the last couple minutes. So, Mom, Dad, please kindly disregard this entire message. Despite the swan's lake and the blight of the bumblebees, the Chef's taco and fudge in the minor dining hall of the mounted kid, the nurse's well-tended clavicle, and the coach's rise of the vault fees, the vivacious four seasons and their rage over a lost penny, I think I want to stick around and try to make this camp work for at least a few more days.
Click!