Sometimes I Wonder...
The cool air whistled as it made brisk contact with the shutters of the small yellow cottage, waking a few of the sleeping animals. Celestia's bright orange sun lit the entire world as it began to take shape on the eastern horizon, it's comforting warmth and divine beauty demanding the complete awe of any pony who had risen to gaze upon it.
It wasn't like a certain yellow pegasus to wake early, but today was indescribable. Fluttershy smiled softly as she looked up upon the world around her, taking in every bit of it while her soft pink mane danced in perfect harmony with the flowing grass, and gentle morning breeze. She closed her eyes and took a slow, deep breath, the mixed aroma of natures flora putting the mare into a state of absolute bliss.
It was perfect.
Fluttershy stood in deep thought for a few moments before letting out a sad sigh, and returning to the inside of her small house. She looked down at a peice of paper lying on her kitchen table, shaking her head in disappointment as she read through it one last time. Carefully, she rolled the letter into a neat scroll and tied it with a yellow ribbon before picking it up gently in her mouth, making sure not to damage the important message within.
The pegasus took a final look at her home and smiled. She tip toed her way to the exit, trying her hardest not to wake the small animals inside. She grabbed a scarlet cape from her coat rack, gracefully swinging it around her back as she left, and quietly closed the door.
The long walk through Ponyville was almost surreal. Memories of better times took hold of Fluttershy's thoughts without her permission as she passed various places in the town she called home. On any other occasion, this would brighten the pegasus' spirit, but not now. It was far too late for that.
The yellow coated mare lowered her head as she reached her first destination. It was very early in the morning, so she wasn't surprised that nopony inside had woken up yet. That was better for her, she wouldn't have to deal with the guilt and humiliation of explaining to Twilight why she had to do this. She steadily placed the scroll in her mouth below her, at the library's doorstep. Much on her mind, she sighed apologetically and looked up at the ancient, powerful tree. The thought of it's infinite strength and endurance throughout the eons only succeeded in tormenting the pegasus further.
When she could think about things no longer, Fluttershy left the library behind. As Ponyville shrank smaller and smaller in the distance, a cold emptiness hollowed out her entire body. Then, a familiar hill came into view and wonder filled the pegasus' eyes. She continued her slow ascent to her favourite place in all of Equestria, the place a very close friend had brought her to many months before.
However, today was not a day for relaxation. Trying to repress her emotions for so long had brought her here in the first place, and the thought of letting it go any farther than this sent a chilling rush down Fluttershy's spine. She calmed down as she finally made it to the top of the hill, and came to a numbing conclusion. None of it mattered anymore.
The brightly coloured pegasus closed her eyes as she slowly walked toward the edge of the cliff. Below her, she could hear the vast blue ocean churning and crashing against the rocks. The strong smell of salt filled her nostrils, igniting her senses and causing her to giggle softly.
She imagined the sea below. She thought of how no matter what happened, the ocean always decided where it went and what it did. Nopony could ever hope to, or even want to control the mighty waters. It commanded itself, and everypony around it. The sea relied on nopony. It was so welcoming, so perfect... So final. What made everything that much better about it, was that it was the exact opposite of the mare who stood above it.
It was free.
A single tear slid down Fluttershy's cheek as she tuck her wings close to her side. It was time to finish what she came here to do, it was time to finally end all of her suffering. With that, the pink maned pegasus gave into the majestic sea below, and allowed herself to fall from the high cliff above. As the distance between her and the water continued to shorten, all she could do now was think about everything in her life that had led her to make this decision.
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Fluttershy stared endlessly out of the bakery's window as rain drops struck the earth in a rhythmic pattern. The only thing that morning which had forced her to avert her gaze from the rain was the slow swirling of her coffee as Pinkie enthusiastically and flawlessly threw it on the table from across the room.
"One cuppa Pony Joe, extra sugar no cream!" said the pink party pony, bouncing her way to the table and leaving Fluttershy to wonder why she hadn't simply brought the coffee over here if she was coming anyways. "That'll be threeeeeee bits!"
"Oh, thank you Pinkie." said Fluttershy, smiling to her friend as she dropped a few coins on the table. "Just the way I like it."
"That all?" asked Pinkie, leaning in towards the pegasus with a beaming smile while flickering her eyelids.
Fluttershy backed into the corner as the earth pony advanced on her. "Uh... Yes... Thank you..." she whispered.
With a quick snap, Pinkie returned to her normal standing position. "Okie dokie lokie!" she exclaimed, bouncing away happily.
The pegasus took a few small sips of her coffee once she confirmed she was alone. She swallowed the hot liquid, it soothing her as it rushed down her throat. The strong sensation was both relaxing and medicinal for Fluttershy after another long, sleepless night.
Her beverage did little to cure her fatigue, however. The normally timid pony was exceedingly high strung from the passing days with no rest, insomnia slowly taking over her entire mind set as she continued to drink her coffee to stay awake.
Fluttershy jumped upwards with a loud yelp as the front door opened, revealing a well groomed white unicorn under an umbrella. Taken back by her friend's violently displayed astonishment, Rarity walked over and sat down next to the trembling yellow mare.
"Fluttershy dear, you look horrible..." worried Rarity. "What ever is the matter?"
Rarity was right. She had thick black rings around her eyes, which were bloodshot to the point where it was almost impossible to see any white. Fluttershy's mane was a tangled mess, complimenting the scruffy yellow coat which had obviously not been brushed in days.
"Oh, nothing. I'm fine Rarity." she reassured.
The unicorn let out a deep sigh and shook her head. Whatever facade the pegasus was trying to pull off, she was terrible at it. Her words cracked as she spoke, not to mention the occasional cough or sneeze. Fluttershy turned back to the window, trying to pretend that Rarity wasn't still sitting there. Feeling guilty that she wasn't able to comfort her friend, Rarity spoke up with another attempt.
"You don't look fine."
Fluttershy closed her eyes, chuckled softly and clenched her teeth together. "Really, I am. Thanks anyways."
Rarity held out her hoof to stroke the pegasus' pink mane. "Fluttershy..."
Before Rarity could do anything, Fluttershy jolted backwards and got up from her chair. A look of pure horror spread across her yellow visage, forcing Rarity to withdraw her arm quickly. Fluttershy slowly turned and backed away towards the door, keeping a watchful eye on the unicorn before running out of the bakery.
Once Fluttershy was a good distance away from Sugarcube Corner, she lowered her head and took a deep breath, slowing to a walk. It was no longer a drizzle, freezing rain was pouring down hard on her. Not willing to return to the bakery after her out burst, she began her slow, painful walk back to the small yellow cottage near Everfree forest.
She didn't get far before hearing a large wooden door fly open. Turning to the direction the sound was coming from, she saw a distressed purple unicorn shouting to her from inside the library. She couldn't make out what Twilight was saying over the rain, but her mind told her to just ignore it and go home.
Her body had other plans, however. As tire and hypothermia finally caught up with the pegasus, she fell to the cold wet ground, unable to move. Twilight rushed to the scene and inspected Fluttershy, who was now barely breathing. Instinctively, she levitated the mare inside her home and laid her down on her mattress.
"What in Equestria is the matter with you?" asked Twilight, putting a blanket over her frozen friend. She wrapped her arms tightly around Fluttershy's neck and held her close. "What were you doing out in that storm?"
Fluttershy tried weakly squirming out of Twilight's grip, to no avail. After a coughing fit, she finally found the strength to answer. "I'm fine, Twilight. Can I go home now please?" asked Fluttershy in a whisper.
"No!" exclaimed Twilight, surprised that she would even suggest going back out into the cold before the storm had passed. "Are you insane? You could have died out there!"
The pegasus shook her head and cried. "No I wouldn't have! I don't need your help! I don't need anypony's help! I..."
Before she could finish the thought, Fluttershy collapsed onto the bed. Fatigue had won the fight versus her strong will to continue on. Twilight didn't let go of her dear friend for a few moments, gently rocking her back and forth as she slept. Twilight didn't have much experience with caring for anypony, but fear and maternal instinct forced the unicorn into autopilot. She lit a few candles next to the bed and moved the closer towards the shivering yellow pegasus. Pleased with the warmth of the small fires, she put her hoof on Fluttershy's forehead to check for a fever. Luckily, there wasn't one.
Twilight sighed and held the pegasus close once again, trying her best not to cry and wake her up, knowing well that she would simply protest being here. Twilight took a better look at Fluttershy now, only to see how bad of a condition she was in. This wasn't just the rain, she had been this way for a long time.
What happened to you...
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It was almost midnight when Twilight woke to see her friend scrambling about on the mattress, from her position on the floor next to the bed. Fluttershy continued to groan in displeasure before trying to push away an invisible foe. Twilight's heart sank as the pegasus let out a petrified scream.
"Fluttershy! Wake up!" ordered Twilight, frantically shaking the yellow mare until her eyes shot open wide. When Fluttershy regained her consciousness, she found herself pulled into yet another embrace with the exhausted unicorn.
She breathed deeply, adjusting to her surroundings and silently reassuring herself that she was once again in the real world. However, an odd feeling struck her as she realized that this was not her cottage. Her confusion only worsened when she noticed that she was being held upright by a certain violet pony, who was crying into her mane.
"Twi... Twilight?"
Twilight released herself from Fluttershy and stared directly into her eyes. "Don't you ever, scare me like that again. Do you hear me?"
Fluttershy took another look around the room. The entire place was dim and only lit by a few small candles, but she could clearly conclude that she was inside Ponyville's library. She stared back at Twilight who was in as bad a condition as she had been in that morning.
"I... I had a bad dream. What happened?" she said, sinking lower into the covers in shame.
Twilight broke from her stare and looked out the window, unable to face the pegasus. "I was wondering that myself. I found you outside in the pouring rain, shivering and barely conscious. I brought you inside, then you mumbled something about not needing help. After that, you just... Blacked out."
The memories of earlier that morning hit Fluttershy like a train. It was hard enough on her own, but now her emotional burden was put on one of her friends? No. She couldn't allow that. Fluttershy jumped up out of the bed and went for the door, only to have it magically slammed in her face.
She turned towards the unicorn and growled softly. "Twilight..."
"No."
Fluttershy looked blankly at Twilight in astonishment. "What do you mean no?"
Twilight sighed. "Fluttershy, don't try and pull things with me. I saw you today. You were freezing. You looked horrible, and hadn't eaten or slept in days. You even yelled at me, your friend, for trying to help you. I think it's obvious what you wanted to happen when you lied down in the dirt."
As Twilight's words sunk in, and Fluttershy realized what she meant by that statement. With that her tightly sealed reserve of anger broke free. She stormed up to the purple mare and used her trademarked stare on the now shaking unicorn.
"What gives you the right to judge me!? Perfect little Twilight Sparkle, the great and powerful apprentice of Princess Celestia, oh how special. You know nothing about me or my life!"
Twilight tried to back up, only to be hit by the edge of her bed. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to..."
"Didn't mean to what? Lock me in your attic? Accuse me of trying to kill myself? What kind of a friend are you supposed to be!?" she screamed.
Twilight hung her head and shame and began sobbing uncontrollably. She felt smaller then ever, and only wanted to curl up in a ball at the thought of hurting one of her friends. "I only wanted to help..."
Fluttershy snorted, she hadn't a small pinch of empathy for the trembling mare. "Right. Well you didn't help. You didn't help at all. You know Twilight, you're really lucky I don't just-"
A loud but calm feminine voice came from behind as the door to the library swung open. "That's quite enough."
Fluttershy turned away from her victim and her jaw hung down as she looked upon a very annoyed Princess Luna. She then remembered her manners and bowed before the tall blue alicorn goddess.
"Are you alright, Miss Sparkle?" asked Luna.
Twilight sniffled and gazed up at the royal figure in her home. "Yes... I'll be okay. I'm not so sure about somepony else, though."
Luna knelt down to meet the trembling yellow pegasus. She lowered her voice to a more comforting, motherly tone. "Twilight sent my sister a letter this morning, Fluttershy. She is very worried about you, and so am I."
Fluttershy cringed. "I'm okay, Princess."
Luna shook her head and sighed. "I think it's best that you and I took a walk outside. Don't worry, it's much warmer now that the rain has stopped."
The yellow pegasus slowly got up and began her descent into the living room. Luna rose as well and turned to a still very shaken Twilight. "Thank you so much."
Twilight blushed a little, but it was short lived as the dark mood of the situation returned. "Be careful with her, Princess. I don't know what she's been through. More importantly, I have no idea how much more of it she can take."
Luna smiled warmly and nuzzled the violet unicorn before going down the stairs to join Fluttershy. The pegasus hid behind her messy pink mane as much as she could when she saw the alicorn again, not sure how to explain her act of rage against somepony so close to the royal family.
"Are... Are you going to banish me?" asked Fluttershy.
Luna giggled and wrapped her elegant blue wing around the distressed mare as they left the library. "Now why would I want to do that?"
Fluttershy hung her head as she spoke in a tone so quiet that it would be safe to say she didn't even want the Princess to hear her. "Because Twilight was right." admitted Fluttershy.
The alicorn's eyes widened in surprise. "Look up in the sky, little one."
The pegasus did exactly as she was told. She stared in amazement at the infinite twinkling stars which illuminated the endless night sky. Fluttershy had never gone star gazing much, but she found this moment exceptionally heart warming. She was both awe struck and humbled at the beautiful universe which floated freely above her. The only thing more amazing then the millions of stars, was Luna's glowing white moon. It made the sight perfect.
"You... You did this?" she asked.
Luna smiled at the pegasus below her. "Of course I did. The night sky is my life's work, Fluttershy. It is everything I have ever put my heart and soul into."
She took another look at the divine art above her, and then turned to face the matching alicorn, who was seemingly happy, which didn't fit the situation at all. "It's breathtaking..."
"Now, my child, what has gotten you so upset that you would consider giving all of this up?" asked Luna, leaning down to be on the same level as Fluttershy.
The pegasus shied away and shivered, the nature of her actions now bearing down on her. "You wouldn't understand. Nopony would."
"Try me."
Fluttershy released a sad sigh and looked up at the Princess. "You don't get it. You don't know what it's like to be alone, to have nopony who really cares about you... You don't know what it's like to be me."
Luna furrowed her eye brows and looked blankly at the pegasus. "You're kidding right?"
Fluttershy was taken back slightly by the sudden change in personality. "Huh?"
The alicorn chuckled softly and looked back up into the black and white ocean of stars. "Do you see all of this, Fluttershy?"
She gazed upwards again to see the same stars she looked at a few minutes ago. "Yes, what about it?"
"As I said before, this is my life's work. My pride and joy. Tell me, in this entire village, how many ponies do you see outside admiring all of it?" asked Luna, changing her tone to one which was more up beat.
Fluttershy looked around an empty Ponyville, confirming what she had originally thought. "Only you and me?"
Luna smiled. "That's right. Up until recently, the thought of it tortured me. I had quite the dangerous mix of emotions. I envied my own sister so much. She always had it easy, moving one close star is nothing compared to perfectly aligning millions of them. Yet nopony even took a peek at my beautiful night sky, nopony cared at all about me. Tia had always told me to just try and make friends, but I never could. I hated everypony, and I went absolutely insane over it."
Fluttershy suddenly felt guilt over having doubted the Princess a few moments earlier. She had forgotten all about what the moon goddess had gone through a thousand years ago. "I'm so sorry, Luna... I didn't know."
Luna walked forward and motioned for the pegasus to follow her, heading north to a place Fluttershy had never seen before. It was a large rocky cliff overlooking the calm ocean, which was mirroring the image of the stars and the moon in Luna's sky. Fluttershy was amazed by the view and feeling which surrounded the hill. Her eyes fixed on the endless water which met the moon on the horizon, she dropped to her knees and gasped.
"Do you know what the worst of it all was?" asked Luna.
Now brought back into reality, Fluttershy looked up at the tall alicorn next to her. "What?"
"I hated myself. I thought it was all my fault, I thought I was a bad pony. Every day of my life all I could think about was that everypony was afraid of me, that was the reason I came up with for being alone. I thought I was a monster, and do you know what happened because of it? I became one."
Luna's words stung the pegasus like a million hornets. She felt her stomach churning beneath her wings as she remembered her own thoughts. That was exactly what she felt like. Princess Luna had hit her between the eyes from a thousand miles away.
The blue alicorn knelt down and wrapped her wing around Fluttershy once again. Instead of resentment, this time she pulled Luna into an unbreakable embrace as she cried into the goddess' ethereal mane. Surprised and pleased with the sudden change of heart, Luna nuzzled the pegasus softly in response.
"Tell me what's wrong, little one." she said.
Fluttershy didn't stop sobbing for a few moments. Eventually, she ran out of tears and looked up to the Princess. "I don't really know how to put it into words."
Luna smiled and gently stoked Fluttershy's mane. "Just try your best."
The pegasus swallowed hard and carefully formed her words. "I just know that everypony, all of my friends, they don't really want to be around me. I make them miserable."
"What makes you think that?"
The dark memories took shape, it was something Fluttershy had locked away for so long. A part of her mind told her to run, told her to keep everything hidden. The fact that she seriously considered that option was what drove her to open up to Luna.
"When I was very young, my parents always fought. My father always told me how I did nothing but hold him back in life. How he should of never had me. It broke me down, and when my mother died, he kicked me out. He sent me away to flight school in Cloudsdale, and never came to visit. I haven't seem him since. I was afraid and alone in the world. You might not believe it, but I used to be so happy. Then it all changed. I raised myself from foalhood until now."said Fluttershy, pausing for a moment to collect herself.
Luna was at a loss for words.
"Over the years, I sunk lower and lower. I detached myself from everypony else, and I never let my guard down. I became shy and scared. Only recently did I make such wonderful friends, but whenever we're together, I always feel that I'm not good enough for them. It hurts so much. Even though all my friends are here, I'm still so alone..."
Fluttershy looked out to the ocean in thought. She had never vented her emotions to anypony, it surely felt good. Much better then letting everything boil over inside her. She closed her eyes as she remembered the worst of everything.
"Then comes the nightmares. It's always the same dream. I'm standing in a room with all of my friends, and we're talking happily. Then it gets dark, and I'm alone. The walls close in on me, and I can hear my friends laughing... Then I wake up. I haven't been able to sleep in days. I just want it all to-"
Fluttershy was silenced as the Princess pulled her in and hugged her tightly. She hadn't noticed it, but Luna had been crying through the story almost as much as she had before she told it. Fluttershy was completely alien to the motherly affection Luna was giving her, seeing as she never had a mother herself.
"Everything's going to be okay Fluttershy, I'm here now. You'll never be alone again." reassured Luna, still stroking the pegasus' pink mane.
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Time passed. For the most part, Fluttershy was still her very timid self. There were a few improvements though, mostly that she would spend a lot more time with her friends, including Luna. It wasn't too often, but every week or so she would go Stargazing with the alicorn. It was good for the both of them, Luna never really had friends either.
Sadly, she could not out run her emotions forever. One fateful evening, the nightmares returned. Fluttershy jolted awake as the black room transformed into her small yellow cottage when she opened her eyes. She couldn't pretend any more, she had to end her suffering.
The sun had still yet to rise, so the pegasus decided it was the best time to get it all over with. She had to do one last thing, though. She needed to write to Twilight, and apologize for everything. She needed to let her know that none of it was her fault, that she still loved her best friend dearly.
Taking out a quill and a small scroll, Fluttershy began writing her most important thoughts.
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Dear Twilight,
I would like to say sorry for everything I put you through, you didn't deserve it. You mean the world to me, and I'm so stupid for never seeing that. I never told you this, but you were right. I did try to kill myself that day. You saved me, and I can never thank you enough.
Sometimes I wonder what it means to be alive. We are all given cutie marks to define us, to place a symbol which represents our personality. But it doesn't. It never will. We are all so complex, so amazing, so real. We are not butterflies or stars, we aren't three diamonds, apples, or balloons. I know specifically that Rainbow is not a lightning bolt shooting out of a cloud, on most occasions anyways.
I realized something over the past few weeks. I realized that I am myself, I am who I am. Nopony will ever change that, not even I can. My attempt at suicide has made me think of something we never really think about. One day, we're all going to pass away. We're going to leave Equestria, and all that will be left is memories. Twilight, I love you, but it's time to accept that some day, I'm going to die too.
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Fluttershy looked downwards and smiled. The entire world seemed to move in slow motion as the surface of the ocean got closer and closer, until she could almost reach out and touch it. This was the closure she needed. She was finally going to be at peace with her own self.
Her small smile turned into a determined grin as she neared the water. Her wings snapped open, and a painful wave of pressure hit her as she pulled upwards. She aimed straight ahead, gracefully gliding across the top of the water, her turbulence splitting the entire ocean right down the middle.
Fluttershy laughed in disbelief as she felt the rush of adrenaline surge through her veins. She had faced her fears. It felt amazing, like the weight of the world had been removed from her shoulders.
When her initial speed gained by gravity slowed down to normal, she slowly flew back up to the hill and reclaimed her red cape. She laughed once again and looked out at the beautiful sun rise on the ocean, it was truly a sight to behold. Fluttershy had been right from the beginning, this morning was perfect. She smiled and walked home, thinking of what she had written to Twilight.
But not today.