A broken table
Applejack
Oh goddess, what happened?
Ah looked around. Ah was in the barn. Ah suppose Ah’d ripped up another hay bale and slept on it. It was real sunny out, probably about noon on a guess, and next ta me… was some lime green coated stallion with a white and black mane and tail.
Who the hell is this?
Ah tried ta think back on last night, but all Ah got fer my troubles was one hell of a headache.
Ack! Damn it, that smarts. Well, it’s not like me ta drink with strangers, and even less like me ta drink alone. Maybe he knows.
Ah pushed the guy’s shoulder, but he turned away and buried his head in the hay.
“Nooo… let me sleep… urp. Oh goddess, I feel like death…” Ah rolled my eyes.
“Hey, get up! This ain’t yer bed.” Finally, Greeny started ta stir and raised his head from the straw. He looked left, he looked right, and then focused on me. Orange eyes, light facial hair, and even lookin’ him in the face, Ah really don’t think Ah know him.
“Who are you? Where am I?” he blinked and looked around again, this time rubbin’ at his eyes. Then, very quickly, he started ta rub his back. “Good goddess, why is my back so sore?”
That settles it, Ah don’t know him, and he don’t know me. Course, that only makes this so much worse. Who the hell is he, and how did we end up in my barn? Think, Applejack, think! Granny… went south ta visit Goldie. And… and Applebloom was stayin’ with her friends over at Rarity’s place. How many days ago was that? Cider season is comin’ up soon, and… and we made a lot more than usual this year so…
Previously
“So, Ah’m thinkin’ about havin’ a few ponies over fer drinks later. Anypony want in?”
Ah was at the castle after Twilight called a meetin’. School was out fer the summer, and cider season was just around the corner. We’d gotten everypony together and finished up the harvest early. We’d done the press and ended up with a lot more than usual, and there were some extra casks that Granny said we could use fer whatever. Ah hadn’t had a night with the girls in a while, and Ah hadn’t gone drinkin’ with Rarity in a while either. Ah figured it was about time, so why not? Twi was the first ta respond.
“Sorry, I can’t tonight. I’m going to the empire to visit Flurry… and I guess I’ll see Shining and Cadance while I’m there too. Besides, last time I got drunk, things… didn’t exactly end well…”
Rarity nodded.
“Oh, yes, I remember that. Goddess, you almost lasered that poor stallion. It would’ve been a fun tabloid if nothing else. ‘Princess of Friendship kills local stallion for not inviting her back to his place.’” Ah couldn’t help but let out a laugh and everypony but Twilight followed suit. The mare in question rolled her eyes, then Rarity turned ta me.
“Against my better judgement, I’ll join you Applejack. I haven’t been out in a while, and while I do have a new design due in the morning, I think I can moderate myself enough.” Rarity said. Pinkie and Dash were gigglin’ ta themselves over that. She raised a brow. “Something funny?”
Dash waived her away.
“Oh, yeah, no, it’s nothing,” she barely managed.
“A-and most definitely not that the last time you said that…” Pinkie trailed off, tryin’ desperately ta keep from bustin’ out. Right, now Ah remember. She and Pinkie had quite the night last time they went out together. Put the socialite and the party pony together, add alcohol, and ya get trouble.
Rarity turned and huffed.
“I will not be doing that again. I will moderate this time, I swear. I’ll even bring insurance. Spikey darling, would you like to accompany me to the party?” The purple dragon looked up from his comic with some kinda face on him. It was like hearin’ that made his day.
“Would I!?”
“Would you?”
“I would!”
“Now hold on just a minute! You’re not old enough to drink!” Twilight interrupted. He rolled his eyes and Ah interjected on his behalf.
“Come on Twi, the kid’s 18, and it’s not like we’re goin’ bar hoppin’ or anythin’.” Or at least he will be in the near future.
“No, he is not, and the drinking age is 21 in Equestria! I know how our parties get-” he put a claw on Twilight’s shoulder.
“Please? It’s not like I don’t know that, and I won’t drink anything, I swear! Just let me go?” The violet alicorn glared at her not so little dragon and shook her head.
“Fine, whatever. Do what you want. I need to go anyways.” With that, she got up and warped away.
“Talk about mommy issues,” Pinkie remarked. Spike rolled his eyes.
“Don’t remind me. I went to buy a new comic last week and she was, and I quote, ‘appalled,’ by the story when I showed her the cover. This was of course, after I found her fanfiction stash. That comic was nowhere near as graphic as some of the crap she writes about. I swear, she only goes to visit Flurry so often because I’m ‘too old’ now.”
Fluttershy frowned.
“That has… connotations.” Everypony straightened their lips and Spike sighed.
“You didn’t have to say that.”
“Neither did you. I um… I suppose I don’t have anything going on tomorrow. Is there a policy on guests? I wouldn’t want to impose, but…”
Ah sighed and rolled my eyes.
“You can come!” Ah yelled inta the aether. Sure enough, he made himself known right then and there.
“And here I thought I was going to have to invite myself again. You’re learning! How quaint♥” A finger snap later, our draconequus appeared with his own crystalline chair formed in a shape to the throne he used to have. A large needle was sewin’ it inta the floor stich by stich until it was done, placin’ him conveniently next ta Fluttershy, as usual.
“Anypony else want ta bring guests?” Ah asked. Pinkie shrugged.
“As long as it’s an open invitation, I might show up with somepony. Who knows? I’ll be there though.”
“Sure, why not. What about y’all, miss Rainbow ‘Alcoholic’ Dash?” She raised a hoof in protest, then put it down.
“Ya know, at this point, I don’t even know why I bother trying to fight that. I’ll see if I can’t get Soarin to come with me. Otherwise, I’ll be there for the free booze.” Rarity shook her head.
“If this goes anything like the last hundred times, I’m almost certain your efforts will be thwarted again. It’s like there’s some… cosmic force at play to keep you from landing this particular stallion.” Dash huffed and rolled her eyes.
“I still haven’t gotten him drunk yet! One of these days, he will be mine…” Dark. Discord floated out of his chair and then snaked his way to Dash, turning himself ta the size of a scarf and wrapping himself around her neck.
“My, how avaricious. Next thing you know, we’ll find you with him tied to a bed in a log cabin in some remote location. A Wonderbolt, a teacher, and an Element of Harmony? What a bad example.” She took her new scarf and threw it at Fluttershy.
“Hey, man, this predates you, alright? Do you know how dense this idiot is!? It’s like he’s one of those goodie-two-hooves harem masters from one of Fluttershy’s comics! I’m another guy to him! It happens every time! Tonight will be the night that ends once and for all!” The scarf snapped and returned to normal size in his throne.
“Not shy about it either, though I suppose that’s not quite your shtick. Very well then, you’ve forced my claw~” he sang. Spike leaned over ta me and whispered,
“I have a bad feeling about this…” Ah rolled my eyes.
“You and me both…”
Back to Reality
“Ow, damn it!” Pain shot through my head and the memory cut. Ah rubbed at my temple, but any more attempts ta think back were met with the electrocution-like throbbin’. Well, so much fer that. Discord was involved so that’s about as good an answer as ta why Ah can’t remember anythin’. Don’t quite explain how Ah’m so hungover though. It’s been… years, since Ah got that drunk. The cider is strong, but it ain’t that strong…
“Are you alright?” the green guy asked. Ah looked him over again. Ah swear, Ah’ve never seen him before in my life. Ah know just about everypony in Ponyville, so who the hell are you? Ah bet Pinkie brought him, but where did he come from?
“Ah’m sorry, who are ya?” He blinked a couple times, then shied away.
“Oh, I uh… I’m Wicker Table. I uh… I thought…” Wow. Useless.
“That’s great Wicker, but Ah’ve got a headache like bull in a china shop and Ah have no idea what in the hell happened last night. Did ya come with Pinkie?” He scratched at his cheek.
“I uh… maybe? I really don’t remember much more than…” Ah rolled my eyes.
“Perfect. Come on, let’s go in and figure out what happened.” After headin’ toward the barn door, Ah noticed that the bed of straw was all over the floor, and not just in one spot. It was almost like somepony was rollin’ in it. Good goddess, did Ah tear up a bale fer fun? That ain’t like me… Ah took a step outside and had ta shield myself from the sun long enough fer my eyes ta adjust and the headache ta subside. Sweet Celestia. Ah ain’t never been this hungover. After partially stumblin’ across the yard, Ah entered the house through the back door ta find that the kitchen table had been smashed ta pieces.
“Good goddess! Grandpappy made that, what the hell happened ta it!? Where’d the chairs go!?” Ah fell ta my hind knees inspectin’ the wreckage, but Ah couldn’t help but feel the impendin’ wrath of Granny loomin’ over my head. Oh goddess, please be merciful. She’s gonna kill me. Ah let a half hearted forehoof slam the wood floors, only ta be met by somepony’s groan from the couch.
“D-do you have to be so loud?” Ah got up on my hooves again and identified a half splayed Fluttershy over one side of the couch in the livin’ room. Her mane was braided on one side, and the other side was statically clingin’ ta the old green cloth loveseat. She’d hidden her head under a pillow, which was covered by her wings.
“H-hey, get up! Somepony broke the table! We have ta get it fixed, otherwise granny is gonna kill us!” Ah shook the moanin’ yellow body until she fell all the way off and crashed on the rug. She slowly opened her eyes and gave me a slightly upset stare, then blinked and tilted her head at somethin’ next ta me.
“Who is that?” Who is what? Ah turned my head, and sure enough, the green guy was still followin’ me. Oh, right.
“This is… uh…” he straightened his lips and gave me a blank stare. “Oh, don’t look at me like that! Ah’m not even sure Ah’m sober yet, gimme some slack.” He shook his head and then held out a hoof ta Shy.
“Wicker. My name is Wicker Table. Hi. You’re… Fluttershy?” She took the hoof and was helped ta standin’ from bein’ upside down. She tilted her head.
“I… feel like I know that. You’re not from Ponyville, right?” He nodded.
“Yeah, I moved here from Manehattan recently.” Shy went ta say somethin’, but then quickly put her hooves on her temples.
“Oww! Ow, ow, ow… Good goddess, what did I drink? I could swear I didn’t drink much at all…” This has Discord written all over it.
“Hey, Noodle! Where are ya?” The other two ponies clamped their ears down.
“Why are you so loud!?” they cried in strained voices. Ah rolled my eyes, but out of the back hall where Granny’s room was, slithered the culprit.
“Goodness, what’s the meltdown? Can’t a draconequus get some shut eye?” Of course, even he must’ve been pretty out of it ta actually answer me. As a matter of fact, he didn’t even float himself over like he normally does. He literally slithered inta the livin’ room.
“Any idea what happened last night?” Ah asked. He blinked at me a few times, those big yellow eyes changin’ colors with each time he opened his eyes until they were ‘normal’ again, then he started smackin’ the side of his head. Chips fell out of his ear. A chair. Another chair. Another another chair. A perfect copy of the kitchen table. A sink. A few apples. Another another another chair. Oh, hey, that’s all of them. Discord continued ta knock pieces of furniture, fruit and various other objects out of his head, and Ah collected and reset the dinin’ room. Well, that solves that. Where’s everypony else? Let’s see… Spike, Rainbow, Soarin… was here right? Pinkie, Rarity… Mac shoulda been home too.
Ah carefully moved the broken pieces of the table outside by the firewood pile, then came back in ta see the floor filled with a collection of the most random crap Ah could imagine. Another set of the dinin’ room furniture, all the fruits and veggies we grow here, a cask of cider, a bunch of comics that could’ve come from either Spike or Fluttershy’s room, a radio, a straw fedora, my hat, Mac’s yoke, Applebloom’s bow, Angel Bunny. He slapped his head one last time, and then a big ol’ bottle that looked like a wine bottle fell inta his chicken claw.
“Ah, ha! There’s the culprit.” Ah joined the group after navigtatin’ the pile and we all inspected the label.
“Dear Discord,
If you’re reading this, that means you’re either ignoring me, or you’ve forgotten what happened last night and the slight hint of a memory told you to clean out your ears. I implore you, do not drink the family liquor. I know you like the feeling, but being intoxicated never ends well for us. Last time you did this, you were stoned by a pair of semi-mortal princesses and the power of order.
If nothing else, don’t share it with ponies without diluting it. You know how we feel about accidentally killing them, that doesn’t do any good for anypony. Oh well, you’ve probably forgotten the warning by now anyways. Your memory should return soon enough, just pray you didn’t do anything with permanent consequences like the time you accidentally created piles and piles of gold in that one country and destroyed their economy. Mother was terribly upset about that.”
-Yourself, Discord
Draconequus Blue
Alc. by vol. 1024%
2048 Proof
Brewed in: BEC. -|∞|+(1000/0)365
Do not use near open flame or in direct sunlight unsealed.
Do not use near Celestia, she drank you under the table last time and it was humiliating.
Return to ear when done. You’ll forget and remember again next time.
Not for consumption by mortals.
Or non-mortals for that matter.
Please, just don’t.
Ah think we were all frownin’ at the mishmash-creature by this point. Guilt all over his face, he looked from one pony ta another in a panic.
“W-what are you looking at me like that for?” Shy and Ah shook our heads and turned ta each other.
“Well, we’re still alive, so at least he remembered to dilute it.”
“That don’t explain why he brought it out in the first place though. Hey, when are we supposed ta get our memories back?” Ah asked. The draconequus shoved the bottle back in his ear… in such a way that ya might even think it was really in his ear, then scratched at the side of his neck.
“Oh, well, obviously… at some point. Maybe.” Again, the stares assaulted him, then he shrunk and hid himself in Shy’s mane.
“Discord,” she said sternly.
“What!? Come now, it’s not like I remember either! If I know me, I was probably drinking straight from the bottle!” We rolled our eyes.
“Should I be weirded out by this?” Wicker asked. Oh, right, he’s still here.
“Probably, but this is pretty normal fer him. Ah just can’t think of why ya might even bring that out in the first place.” The little snake grew some and wrapped himself around Shy’s neck.
“If I know me, it was probably a dare of some kind. Where is Rainbow? This is probably her fault.” Shy put a hoof ta her forehead and shook it.
“We’ve talked about this before…”
“B-but she was intoxicated! … Probably…”
“Ta be fair, ya could say that about Dash on any given day and probably be right.” Ta this, Shy put a hoof under her chin.
“I uh… I can’t refute that. I still don’t remember what happened on her 21st birthday.”
“And it’s probably best left that way. We’ve all done thin’s we regret, Sugarcube.”
“W-why would I regret it? W-what did I do?” Ah looked away and brought a hoof ta my snout.
“Don’t worry about it.” She can never know. “Ah’m gonna go find where everypony else ended up. Clean yer mess, and then we’ll sit down and try ta figure out how all this happened. Ah’m still kinda concerned about how the table got broken in the first place. That thin’ was reinforced more than once, grandpappy didn’t build nothin’ cheap, but it was split right down the middle…”
Later, but not really
“Good goddess. At the same time?” Ah asked.
“Ah guess?” Mac responded.
“To be entirely fair this isn’t the first time,” Pinkie explained.
“Fer Mac or Rarity?” She thought real hard on that.
“Yes…? Yes, definitely, yes.” Ah shook my head and put a tender hoof on the pink mare’s shoulder.
“Ah worry about ya Pinkie.” She nodded and put her hoof on mine.
“At last it wasn’t like Dashie’s 21st.” Ah shuddered.
“… Don’t remind me. What’s yer excuse, Rare?” The white unicorn shrugged.
“Honestly? I don’t think I have one. This wouldn’t be the first time this has happened.”
“First time what happened?” Spike asked as he came outta the bathroom. He was the only one who’d expected ta stay the night, so he brought some utilities, includin’ his toothbrush. The least hungover of us, but since even he is hungover, that needed ta be hidden from Twi, otherwise, it’s his ass and my head. Rarity had a moment of panic.
“O-oh, nothing, nothing at all darling.” Poor Spike. Even after all this time, he still thinks she’s as pure as the driven snow.
“Well, at least somepony got some.” Dash pouted.
“Got what?” Soarin asked. Despair overtook her face, and she simply buried it in her hooves.
“How did this happen to me? Why you? Of all the stallions in the world, why did it have to be you?”
Soarin looked ta us fer help, but Ah couldn’t even bring myself ta look at him. Poor Dash.
“Oh, hey, green guy is still here! How ya doing, buddy?” Pinkie finally noticed Wicker, who’d been relatively quiet durin’ this whole endeavor. He’d picked up that straw fedora that fell outta Discord’s head, so Ah can only guess it was his. Ah wonder if Applebloom is missin’ her bow? Either way, Ah guess Ah have a spare fer her when she gets home later…
“I’m alright I guess. I have a bit of a headache, and I’m not entirely sure where I am, but I’m not the only one?” Pinkie smiled in such a way that it felt like the whole room was a bit brighter, then squeezed her fat ass in the reclinin’ chair with Wicker. Poor guy.
“Good! Isn’t being alive great? Though uh… I feel like that’s the right thing to say here, but I can’t remember why…”
“Well, Ah suppose that’s as good a segue as we’re gonna get. Who remembers what about last night? The kitchen table got snapped in half somehow, and Ah wanna know what caused it.” Alarmed, Mac quickly looked back at the dinin’ room, but when he saw the furniture was all still there, he tilted his head.
“Uh… Is that right?” he asked. Ah nodded.
“It is. That one is one of the three copies Discord knocked outta his ear. The real one is out by the firewood.” Mac scratched at his cheek.
“Huh…” Ah leaned back in Granny’s rockin’ chair and surveyed the livin’ room. Mac, Rarity, and Shy were all on the couch, and Discord never did leave Shy’s neck. Pinkie and Wicker were in the recliner… barely. Soarin, Dash, and Spike were on the loveseat, but there was plenty of room on account of Dash’s little frame.
“So, Ah don’t remember anythin’. Like, at all. Ah remember Noodle sayin’ somethin’ about forcin’ his claw yesterday, but nothin’ that comes after.” The rest of the ponies, dragon and other thought back, but Spike was the only one ta come up with that.
“Ooh! I remember that! Twilight was mad about me coming along, and then Fluttershy said that she could come, and then Discord showed up after you reluctantly invited him. Then… there was that thing with Dash, and Discord said that… and then disappeared. Uh… I remember stopping by Rarity’s place to walk here with her… and… Nope, I got nothin’.” Ah gave him an apathetic stare and sighed.
“Y’all were the only one here that wasn’t supposed ta drink. Come on, Spike.” The dragon scratched his scales.
“Look, I’m pretty sure I didn’t have any cider. I think, if anything, it was probably just a sip of whatever Discord brought. I don’t really like alcohol as it is… Oh! That’s right! Discord and Fluttershy showed up, and he brought out this big bottle of blue stuff, and… and… you shared with me!” the more Ah thought on what he said, the more Ah could feel the memory pokin’ back inta my head.
“Huh? Ya wanna try it? Ah guess a little won’t hurt…”
Oh, damn it, Twi is gonna kill me too.
“Hold on… I think I remember this bottle,” Rarity said.
“Ooh! Ooh, I do too! Uh… what did it look like again?” Pinkie asked. The scarf sized draconequus reached deep in his head again, removed the bottle from his ear, then snapped it back ta normal size on the coffee table in the middle of the livin’ room.
“Well, if everypony is suffering from memory loss, then this is certainly what caused it. I just can’t explain why I would’ve taken it out. Perhaps it was simply to spread the chaos? Then again, after seeing what became of those three, it may have just been to loosen everypony up to an extreme. Either that, or it was a dare. You know how I do so love a good dare.”
“Dare,” Ah said.
“Probably a dare,” Fluttershy added.
“I bet this is Dash’s fault,” Spike continued.
“Dash probably dared him,” Soarin finished. The she in question backed inta the couch.
“Hey, what the hell!? He’s the one with the crazy liquor! I didn’t do it!” Straight faced stares made the blue pegasus blush, and with no recourse, she turned her head and pouted. “You guys suck.”
“Ooh, that’s right, I remember now!” Pinkie exclaimed.
Within the mind of a child in an adult’s body
“So, after you invited everypony to the party, and we all left the castle, I went to my shift at Sugar Cube Corner. It was a slow day, and we hadn’t had a lot of customers. It’s July, so ponies typically want cold treats when they go out for snacks. We sell a few ice cream cakes and birthday cakes this time of year, but not much else. Uh… W… Wither, no… Woven? Wait, Wicker! That’s the one. Wicker Table over here walked in, ordered a coffee, and then nothing else. He just sat there, not even drinking it, soooo, I decided to talk to him.
He was quiet, didn’t say much back, but I felt like I should talk to him. He’d just wandered into town, he was from Manehattan initially, and he said he was looking for a place to ‘stop’ or something like that, so I invited him to stop by here. I think… Dashie was already on her third cider, but things weren’t ‘happening’ fast enough for her, so she dared Discord to drink. He complained that pony liquor wouldn’t do anything for him, so she made a bet that she could drink anything he could, and then he pulled that out. And… that’s about as far as I can remember. I will say that I am very, very sore right now though, so I’m pretty sure I know what happened next.”
She gave Mac a slow, knowin’ wink, and the big red stallion got a little redder, hidin’ his face in his hooves.
“Sugar Belle is gonna kill me.”
Rarity patted him on the back.
“I’m sure she’ll understand. These were extraordinary circumstances. I’m certain things will be fine.”
Spoiler: Thin’s were not fine.
“So, who else? What about y’all? Anythin?” Ah asked the loveseat couple. Very quickly, Soarin found a corner ta stare at and put a hoof behind his head.
“I uh… I-I don’t remember anything from last night! Nope! Nothing at all! I-I don’t drink much on account of my job, and this was the first time in a long time, so uh… yeah…” Rainbow put a hoof ta her lips and glared at the white pegasus. She sat there tappin’ her face until somethin’ came ta her.
“No… No, that’s not it at all! That’s right! I had to do everything I could to get you to come, I did everything in my power to try and get you drunk, and when finally, finally you were tipsy and I was already blitzed out of my mind, you started getting all depressed on me! It wasn’t a dare at all, I was co-conspiring with Discord to finally enact my plan!” She started pointin’ at him,
“But you, oh-ho-ho you. You don’t get drunk for any other reason than the fact that you get sad when you drink. ‘Spitfire is threatening to replace me, I’m afraid of losing my job, my anxiety is making my flying worse, I can’t ‘perform’ under all this pressure, Rainbow hold me.’ Good goddess, you are such a pussy. I was so ready to go at that point that I probably would’ve gone to join Pinkie and Rarity if… if…” She raised a hoof like she was about to hit the cowering white stallion, and as if a balloon had been popped, she fell inta him and let out a deep breath.
“Goddess damn it, this sucks.” She turned and took the stallion’s face in her hoof and looked deep inta his eyes. Goddess damn it Dash, don’t ya have any modesty!?
“You disgust me.” Well. That is not at all what Ah thought was gonna happen.
Spiked
“That’s great and all Dash, but is that all ya remember? Nothin’ about anypony breakin’ the table?” She looked up and thought on that.
“Uh… no? I do remember Rarity making moves, and Pinkie being hooves-y, but I think we were the first to leave the living room.” Soarin nodded.
“Yeah, that’s right. I think I saw uh… that happening,” he made a hoof motion around Mac and Rarity, “and then decided that I needed a drink. I grabbed Rainbow’s cup by accident and got the blue stuff. I don’t have a lot of body fat, and I’m not anywhere near Mac’s size, so it hit me like a train. I uh… I’m sorry I unloaded all that on you Rainbow.” She let her head fall ta the side and groaned aloud.
“No, don’t worry about it, what are friends for? Ugh.” Ah frowned. Their couple’s issues aside, that doesn’t get me anywhere with the table. Maybe They didn’t make it ta the room before somepony made a move and that’s how it got smashed?
“What about you Rarity? Anythin’?” She put a hoof on her thigh, her elbow on that, and her chin on her other hoof.
“Well, having things filled in has been helping, so let me see if I can’t pull anything out of the hangover. Uh… first, yes, I was slightly intoxicated before Rainbow unleashed her plan to get everypony wasted. I’ve been rather busy lately,”
“And that design was due three hours ago by the way,” Spike added. She rolled her eyes.
“Oh, I know. Sassy can wait, it’s not as if it was scheduled for release until next week anyways. Um… Right, I’d had a couple ciders, and I was purposefully trying to stay away from the booze, but it has been a while since I’ve been out and I… may or many not have been feeling lonely. Mac was there, and Mac is Mac, and it wouldn’t be the first time, so I figured I might give it a shot. Based on the bruising I found this morning, I clearly succeeded.”
“Oh, come on, really?” The teen complained. Rarity rolled her eyes.
“I’m not getting any younger Spike! I have needs.” He crossed his arms and legs and huffed.
“And this isn’t the first time this has happened either?”
“With Mac? Of course not. Have you seen him?”
“I mean. Fair, but with Pinkie too?”
“Alone or with Mac?”
“Uh… yes?”
“Um… yes.”
“Ugh. Good goddess, I swear, it’s like I’m the only one here who hasn’t slept with you yet.” Shame crawled up my back and Ah looked away. Ah glanced back and everypony that wasn’t Soarin, Wicker and Discord, were tryin’ desperately ta dodge Spike’s eye.
“Really!?”
“Dude, my 21st birthday was one hell of a party,” Dash said with a hint of pride.
“Come the fuck on!”
Discord scratched at his little beard.
“The stains around her cutiemarks would suggest somepony did.” Spike let his head fall inta his claws.
“Discord, please,” Fluttershy reprimanded. The little snake laughed and Spike simply shook his head.
“I quit.”
In an attempt ta take the conversation back, Ah broke the new silence with,
“So… where’d ya end up? Y’all didn’t ‘smash the table,’ did ya?” Pinkie, Mac and Rarity all looked ta each other, and slowly but surely shook their heads.
“No, I think the bruising would’ve been worse if that were the case.” Ah frowned.
“Well, that leaves Shy, Noodle, Spike, Wicker and Ah in the livin’ room before the table was broken. What about y’all?”
A quiet pony with loosened lips
“I-I think it’s slowly starting to come back to me, but I can attest that I didn’t end up in bed with somepony this time. I was… very drunk, but I don’t think I had any of the blue, I just had several ciders. Too many, clearly, but enough to be social. I um… The alcohol was… oh, wait, I did have some of the blue, but it was mixed into a cider. That’s right, pinkie was mixing them around together, and she brought one to me and Wicker.
I was… I think I actually never left the couch. That’s right. I… told Rainbow that she should just be a bit more patient with him, but that in turn did the opposite and made her ask Discord for help. Discord obliged, as he always does when somepony wants to do something not particularly ‘good,’ and then I think I started talking to Pinkie. She was incredibly horny, like she always is when alcohol is involved.”
“It’s true! I try not to go drinking very often anymore since the last time I almost got pregnant.” Ah raised a brow and eyed both the culprits.
“Ah better not have any nieces or nephews from y’all, ya hear?” They rolled their eyes.
“Come now, we were wasted, but this is Mac we’re talking about. He’s good at this,” Rarity assured.
“And it’s not like this is the first time anyways. This is at least the third.” Rarity looked at Pinkie.
“Together? Or just with Mac?” She scrunched up her face.
“Yes?”
“Right.” Shy blinked.
“Oh-kay… Well, speaking of, she eventually worked up the drive to go make a move, and a more involved one than what Rarity was up to, and then they all left, each with a cup of the blue cider in hoof. Um… Wicker, was it?” The green stallion nodded.
“After that, I noticed him in the corner playing with his cup in the recliner, so I decided to talk to him next. I know all too well what it feels like to be the unsocial one at a party, so I figured it had to be me if anypony. We talked about… random stuff for the most part, but… I think I passed out at some point. They were gone by the end of my memory and the table was still intact, so I’m not quite sure what happened.”
“Ah, ha! I figured it out! I remember what happened!”
Pursuit ~ Cornered
Discord snapped, and we were transported ta a court room. Ah found myself on the prosecution side wearin’ a red suit and a white neckerchief with my mane untied, and Discord was across from me in a blue suit with some crazy haircut. The defendant was Wicker, and everypony else had filled the seats, except Fluttershy, who’d been dressed up like a judge.
“You thought you could get away with it, didn’t you, eh? Well you’re wrong! Now you’re up against Discord, Chaotic Attorney!” Ah had ta bring a hoof ta my face.
“Sure, why not. Alright Discord, why don’t ya tell the court what ya figured out? If anythin’, anyways.” Discord smiled, leaned over his table, and then slammed his claws on it.
“First, we begin yesterday after everypony had arrived! This guy-” Discord pointed a finger at Wicker, “Showed up being dragged along by Pinkie!”
“My name’s Wicker Table, by the way, it’s only the third time I’ve said that today.” The draconequus rolled his eyes… on the table, then put them back in his head.
“Nopony cares, you’re filling space to make a joke work. Anyways! Rainbow had began drinking, but was having difficulty getting her beau to drink with her. Rarity had said something particularly vulgar about getting a pony ride, and then Rainbow approached me. I’d already thought about spiking the alcohol to make it that much more intense, but because she requested it of me, I decided to do something special.
Object one: Draconequus Blue, the strongest liquor across several dimensions!” He walked over ta the evidence table and held up the bottle fer everypony ta see.
“We… we knew all that,” Ah said.
“Of course you did. However, what you don’t know is that this particular liquor intensifies emotions already within the drinker! It’s not a depressant, but an amplifier! Anything you feel, this will make it that much stronger. I took this out of my special storage because I had already spoken with everypony at the party. This one,” He pointed at Wicker, “Had come all the way here from Manehattan looking for a place to die! He’d planned on killing himself before Pinkie decided to drag him along! Personally, I’m against the idea, and I knew there was at least enough residual lust in these mares to give him something to live for.
That one,” he pointed at Soarin, “Has been having performance issues, but with nopony he could pour his heart out to, so he too was headed toward a bad end! Inhibitions removed, he would be freed of this depressive episode as well! But most of all, you, my dear Prosecutor, have been feeling lonely yourself!” What? This Noodle is spoutin’ nonsense! Ah slammed the table and then turned and pointed a hoof at him.
“Objection! Who in the hell told ya that? It wasn’t me, that’s fer sure! Ah had extra Cider and Ah wanted ta have a night with my friends! Ain’t nopony said nothin’ about how Ah was feelin’!”
“Hold it! Ah, but do you deny it!?” Wind flew out from behind Discord and tossed my mane every which way. Ah straightened myself up after it ended and shrugged.
“Ah mean, kinda? Sure, Ah’ve been feelin’ like Ah’m kinda in a rut lately, but that doesn’t mean Ah’m lonely specifically. Where’s yer proof?” Discord crossed his arms.
“Very well then, I shall continue to recount. As I was listening to ponies and getting a read on the room, I knew the only way for this to be fun was if I too were intoxicated. Alcohol makes for easy jokes, so what better way to spend my evening than by laughing at the pathetic ponies in the room? My family liquor came out, and slowly but surely, the ponies drank deep of the dark draconequus drink.
Alliterate you say? Illuminate I will! Rainbow managed to get Soarin to drink, and as she’d planned, his wheels were greased immediately! However, she didn’t get what she wanted, but he got what he wanted. Two down, eight to go. Rarity and your brother began getting friendly with each other, and Pinkie wanted in! She asked for Fluttershy’s permission, and once granted, she went after it!”
“Fluttershy said it was okay? Aw, geez, that was a done deal. I should… probably buy a test on the way home…” Pinkie said. Ah slammed the table.
“Damn it, Pinkie! Don’t you forget what Ah said!” Her ears fell flat and she started clickin’ the tips of her hooves together.
“Yes ma’am…”
Discord continued.
“One apple removed, then there were five. You had been talking to Spike, little did he know, but what you said to him would’ve seemed out of place had you said it to anypony else. You questioned why you’d thrown the party. Everypony else was talking and having a good time, but you’d confined yourself to the bar, making sure there were always ready cups of cider whenever somepony needed one, taking a drink every now and again. Spike however, had already been spiked by this point, and he was too busy watching our trio of lovers fooly-coolying around to listen to what you were saying!”
Wh-what!?
The court gasped.
“N-no! That’s not true!”
“Objection! Your tone suggests otherwise!”
“Sustained,” Fluttershy announced with the slap of her gavel. Ah could feel the sweat startin’ ta drip down my forehead. No… where’s he goin’ with this?
“Spike leaves to go sit with Fluttershy while she’s talking with Wicker, and I’m simply listening in on the conversation. Their topics veered from place to place, and he wasn’t interested, so he started braiding Fluttershy’s mane. Disappointed in the outcome of the trio going to be together, the disgruntled dragon stole a cup of blue cider and downed it in one go, passing out right then and there. He fell asleep on Fluttershy, so I whisked him away to your room.”
“Oh. Well. That explains how I ended up there. And… why I remember so little about yesterday… Good goddess, Twilight is going to kill me.” Spike added.
“Now then, before I put the final nail in your coffin, do you have anything to say for yourself, Ms. Apple!?” He snapped, and I was suddenly in a coffin. Ah punched through the wooden capsule and found my way back inta the courtroom.
“Ah don’t know what the hell y’all are talkin’ about! It was my party, why in the world wouldn’t Ah take part in it? Ah-” Right then and there, it all came back ta me. Oh goddess.
“Very well then! Let the nailing commence! Fluttershy, while truly enjoying herself talking to this cardboard cut out of an excuse for a stallion-”
“Dude! I don’t even have that many lines, how am I supposed to-” Discord stretched his claw all the way across the room ta the defendant and pressed a finger gently against his lips.
“Shh… I’m talking, it’s not your turn.” And then his arm rubber banded back to him with a loud snap. “While talking to this failure of a stallion-”
“At least that one is accurate.”
“She began to fall asleep! Fluttershy has a low constitution, and while sociable, becomes very sleepy while intoxicated! She passed out right then and there! As soon as the stage was set, I turned myself invisible, and the final scene happened! Seeing the need for more alcohol, Wicker approached the ‘bar’ made of the dining room table, where Applejack was also drinking alone. The two lonely ponies locked eyes, and that was all it took! I call the defendant to the stand for testimony!”
“No! Don’t do it! Please! Ah already know what Ah did, just don’t say it!” Shy slammed her gavel. Ah looked on in horror and she gave me an apathetic stare.
“The Prosecutor will hold her tongue or be held in contempt of court. Please, defendant, proceed.” The green stallion approached the podium, and Ah knew, it was all over.
“Mr. Table, what happened?” Discord asked.
He got a little smile on his face and then scratched his head.
“Well, she tossed all the cups aside, and then… I guess you could say…
The Table got Smashed