In the FINAL story in th Detective jakkid166 series, jakkid must prove himself of not murder while on the run from tha law. And its worse than that. How wil detective jakkid survive in a world against him?
After so long of jakkid166 being in Equestria, he find himself in a new pickle and his worst yet: There was assassination, and he is framed for it! Now he must traverse the land of Equestira, come across frends old and new as he try to prove his innocence while on the run from the wrath of Twilight and her friends. And they are REALLY mad yo. Will jakkid166 prove his innocence? Will he survive? Will he die? Will he survive and die at the same time?
FIND OUT in the FINAL instalment of the Detective jakkid166 trilogy!
This story is rated T cause it has som violence gore in it but not a lot just one part kind of. And there is no sex but ther is still some weird stuff so I keep the tag. Cool
"Ahhhhh," I peeled my eyelids off as I sit up in bed, awaked from the weirdest dream I ever had. It was a dream where I get framed for murder and all the ponies hated me to death!
"Damn that was a scary dream, good thing nothing like that will ever happen in real life." So I jumped outa bed and took the elevator six stories down to th second story of my house where my bathroom and wardrobe was. I put me bed clothes in the shower and then I jumped in the washing machine to get clean for the day.
"YEEEEAH SPIN CYCLE" I shouted going round and round
Finally the washine mashine spat me out and I was clean. I went to me closet and grabbed my Detective underwear and Detectiv Pants and Detective Shirt and Detective Suit and Detective Tie and Detective Glasses and socks. (my socks are just normal socks)
"Exellent," I said and i put my detective badge in me sock pocket with mine detective gun. "I beter get going! I do not wanna be late to whatever i was gonna do today."
So I slid down the slide to the first floor and went in the kitchen and made breekfast. Every morning for Detective Breakfast i eat Two Eggs moony side down, 3 pounds of cow bacon, a waffle flavred pancake and a bucket of Ovaltine.
"Sweet" I said eating the last bites of my breakfast. I put all me plates and silverware in the trash and put "buy more plates and sivlerware" on my shoping list.
"Alright time to begin the Detective day." but then there was a KNOCK at the on my door!
"Who the fuck is at the door at a time like this? 10 AM" I said and I look out the window, but what I saw GASPED me in the throat!
There was the ENTIER town of ponyville and they looked ANGRY. They had torches and ptichforks and signs that say "Fuck You Detective jakkid166"
"Goddammit not again" I said and I open the door. "What the hell do yo u want this time?"
"Detective jakkid you are under arest for murder!" said Twilight sparkle.
"Is that bad?" said me.
"Yeah"
"WHAT?!" I shoted. "Thats ridiculous! I could not do murder!"
"Yea well you are the only suspect, and there was a pony that got murdered!"
"Who cares" I said. "Who even is it that died this time? Can it be you guys so you dont arrest me?"
"Wait," I said "I am a detective, I cant be arrested!"
"Yeah well you are now demoted to normal police officer!" and she PUNCHED me in the face and I fell onto my feet and was inconscious.
~ LATER ~
I woke up in the Prison Train. I was in a cage and Twilight Sparket was there and she wa looking at me really angry and saying "I am angry at you" a bunch of times.
"Twilight!" I said "Are you happy right now?"
"NO!" said Twilight "I am mad at you!"
"Why?"
"Becaus you murdered Princess Celestia!"
"Oh ok. Wait WHAT?! Princes Celestia is dead?!"
"YES! And you shooted her in the face with you Detective gun! and other places too like the neck and hoof!"
"NO!" I said and I slamm my fists to the floor. "This cannot be...! Princess Celestia isent supposed to die! She is a main charater!"
I had tears in me eyes as I rememberd all the good times we had together. Like when she arrested me for murder, and when I accuse her of murder, and when she tell me to fuck off.
"Stop faking being sad jakkid," said Twilight. "Everone knows you did it. The security cameras recorded you!"
"Twilight you gota believe me! I wouldent kill Celestia!"
"Shut up idiot"
"Shit." and I sit down in the chair they give me in my cage. "So where we going then?"
"We is taking you to Canterlot to stand on Trial for the murder of Celestia."
"Haha you fool!" I said while I was readign the book they gave me in my cage. "I have degree in law! Ill defend myself and win! You know what they say. Man who defends himself is really smart."
"Sorry jakkid, but you are not allowed to defend yourself dis time because youre too good. You will have to call a lawyer or we will giv you one, and we will give you a shit one so you lose!"
"Damm!" I said while I was playing the PS4 they gave me in my cage. "This sucks on butt."
Eventualley, the train drive like a demon from Station to Station and landed in Canterlot.
Twilight open the door and said "Ok jakkid follow me, and dont use your gun or else we wil do something bad to you!" she put me in Magic Chains and drag me with her.
"Wait!" I said "What bout the PS4? I was almost beat Bloodborne!"
"Theres no PS4 in jail jakkid," said Twilight. "We do have xbox one though."
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" I screame to the heavens.
Twilight led me thru the halls of Canterlot and all the paparatzi ponies flashed lights at me and made picture-taking noises.
"Detective jakkid why did you assinate the princess?!" said one reporter pony
"I dident!" I said. "Besides whats the big deal? Its just one of them, you still hav like 4 left."
But then the reportre Mis Quoted me in the newspaper so it looked like I said what I just said, to make me look bad.
"You astards!" i said and I point my finger of drama. "I will prove meself innocent, I swear on my badge!"
While Twilight was walking me we also walked by the other Mane 6 ponies and they were angry too for some reason.
"You a bitch, partner!" said Applejack
"Your clothes was always ugly," said Rarty.
"Im goona make you a cake!" said Pinkie "But it will have poison in it."
"Dying sucks a lot," said Rainbow. "And now YOU sucks a lot!"
"FUCKING SHIT DICK!" said fluttershy "I WILL MURDER YOU TO DEATH"
and my eyes squished out tears of sadpression, for all my friends was turn their fronts on me. I no longer had a frend in the world, exept for the sweet release of Makers Mark brand whiskey.
Twilight tooked me to the elevator of Canterlot Castle and we went down it to the dungeons. Twilight throw me in a cell and closed it and lock it. Then she weld the door shut. "You stay here and think about what you did," said Twilight. "You trial is tomorrow so you better find a lawyer fast." and she leaved away.
"DAMMIT!" I punched the wall and broke me fingers. "How cold this happen?! Who could do this? And how did they frame me? I cannot standit!" I said and I cried into my face. (Theres nothing wrong with guys crying dont be stupid this isent the 1860s, where I always got made fun of for crying.)
"Ok I gotta calm down," I said. "Ive been in pickle before, and sometimes even in a cucumber. All I gota do is get myself out. I will prove my innocent like I did before in Detective jakkid166 Go to Equestria Now. But first, I need a lawyer." and I pull out my cell phone. "And I think I know just who to call." This was gonna be a hard trial, so I neede not the best lawyer not in the world, but the best lawyer in the UNIVERSE!
~ MEANWHILE, BACK IN MY WORLD ~
"Dammit," said Phoenix wright. His law offices was falling apart because he got no cases lately, so he had poor and could not afford money. "Charley help me fix the office!"
But charley could not help, because charley is a plant.
"Fuck," said Wright. But then the PHONE RUNGED!
"Ho shit!" said Wright and he slam his fist on the wall which made the phone fly to him and land in his hand.
Phoenix answerd the phone. "Hello?" He said. "Wait what. Detective jakkid166?!"
I shat in my cell waiting for the arival of my Lawyer, who the name of it has not been revealed yet. I thought about how all the poneys of Equestria hated me, and I wonder how was I gonna get a fair jury? I thought hard but I had no ideas. Life is complicated
"Fuck!" I said "Existing sucks."
but then a guard walked up to mine cell and said "Hey Detective jakkid166 can I have you autograph?" and he handed me a piece of paper. "Please sign this!"
"Fine," I said and I took it and tok out my detective gun and shot it and gave it back to him.
"Thanks" he said. "Later on my friend want you to sign his face."
~ MEANWHILE, BACK ON EARTH ~
"Shit I gotta find a way to get back to Equestira!" said Phoenix Wright. But when he went to his door, he realize because he was so poor, he cold not afford a door anymore so he couldnot go throguh the door to get out of his office!
"Damn," said Phoenix "Okay Im gonna have to use my Lawyer skills." So he went to his window and took he suit off and took it apart into the suit threads and make a rope out of it. Then he climbed out and rapel to the ground with the rope, and then knitted the rope back into his suit again.
"Cool," said Phoenix "Now I gotta find Equestria portal!"
so Phoenix ran ALL the way to his bike and rode it ALL the way to his car. But then he realize he doesnt have a drivers license so he ran ALL the way back to his bike and rode it ALL the way back to his office.
"Dang," said Phoenix "How am I gonna get where I am going? And also Where am I going?"
"Wait," said Phoenix "Ive got the idea!" so he pulled out his phone and dialed Twilight Sparkles phone number.
~ MEANWHILE, IN EQUESTRIA ~
Twilight Parkle was in her house doin the paperwork for my arrest when her cell phone rung! She dance to her ringtone (which was Once In a Lifetime by Talking Heads) and answered it really hard.
"Hey Twilight Sparkle remember me from one of jakkids old stories?" said Phoenix
"Yeah I do!" said Twilight "How are you doing phoenix wright?"
"Listen I need you to pull me with MAGIC to Equestria!"
"You better not be comin here to defend him," said Twilight "He murderd princess Celestia! And we are gonne make sure he gets a bad lawyer so he loses trial and gets sentence to Infinite Prison."
"Remember," said Phoenix "Everyone has a right to fair trial!"
"Shit you're wright," said Twilight. "Fine" she said and she REACH through the phone and pull Phoenix through.
~ MEANWHILE, ALSO IN EQUESTRIRA ~
"Hell shit!" I said swearing at my pirson cell. "Stupid iron bars, let me out!" but he did not.
"No," said Iron bars (which is the name of the guard) "You do the crime, you do the time. Which is 3:48 PM right now."
"But I am allergic to being in jail!" I said "What if I die before my trial!"
"Then you will go on trial as a ghost" said the guard. But then another guard came down and sayed "Jakkid166 you lawyer is here!"
"Aw hell yeah," I said. I watched my lawyer walk up to my cell and look at me like I am stupid. I am not stupid
"Detective jakkid166," said Phoenix Wright. "The fuck did you did this time?"
"I dident do nothing!" I said. "I am immocent, I swear! We gotte team up and find the clues like a big anti-crime team of big crime solving skill."
"But you are in prison."
"Oh right"
"Dont worry jakkid!" said Phoenix "I wil defend you in the court of law, and also maybe the court of tennis."
~ AT THE TRIAL ~
"Courteth ist now in session for the trialst of not-detective Jakkid166!" said Princess Luna, who was Judge. She had a gavel and was wearin a fake beard. at least i think it was fake. "Is the defense readyeth?"
"No," said Phoenix "The defense is Phoenix Wright."
"Are you sure you can dodis?" I said to Phoenix
"Dont worry," said Phoenix "Ive played all the Ace Attorney games, I know how to law."
"Okay cool," said Luna "And what abouteth the prosecution?"
"The prosticution is ready!" said Twilgiths Sparkle.
"Nooo TWILIGHT!" I said "Why ar you prosecutiong me? I thought we was friends!"
"We are friends," said Twilight. "But you kill Princess Celestia so I also hate you."
"Fuck"
"Giveth you opening statement, defense!" said Luna.
~ OPENING STATEMENT ~
"Detecive jakkid166 killed Princess Celestia!" said Twilight.
The whole coutroom GASPED in shock!
"WHAT?!" said Luna "HOW DARE YOU, JAKKID?"
"It wasent me!" I said.
"But you know what else is shocking?" said Twilight Sparkle.
"What is it?" said Luna. And the courtroom wait in anticipaton
"Electricity."
"Holy SHITTETH!" said Luna. "She is RIGHT! I shold just decare guilty verdict right noweth."
"But you honor!" said Phoenix. "We ned to find the truth!"
"Who cares about that" said Twilight. "Lets just kill jakkid and go eat dinner."
"No he is right," said Luna "We musteth go full trial. Call yo witnesses!"
"I call dibs on first witness" said Phoenix.
"Aw dammit" said Twilight.
"I call DTECTIVE JAKKID166 on the stand!" said Phoenix, but it was too far away so I pull out my gun and fired it and the re coil flung me into the stand.
"Name occupation," said Phoenix.
"Detective jakkid166, the greatist Detective in the world!"
"WRONG!" said Twilight "You are not detective anymore, cause I demoted you!"
"Shes right," said Luna "You are fined $200 for perjury!"
"Fine" I said and I gave luna $300. "Sorry I only have a $300 dollar bill, Keep the change."
"jakkid166," said Phoenix. "Where were you on the night of the crime scene?"
"I was in Equestria," I said.
"WHAT?" said Luna. "This is new infomation! Why did you not tell us you was in Equestria? This is very suspicos!"
"Yeah jakkid why was you here in Equestria?" said Twilight.
"because i live here"
"Likely story." said Luna.
"Shut the fuck up Judge I am the one questioning here!" said Phoenix. "Detective jakkid, did you comit the crime?"
"No"
"Case closed," said Phoenix.
"Wait," said Twilight "You forget."
"What?" said Phoenix.
"Detecive jakkid has many detective skills, and one of them is he can say things that are not true! This is called LYING! So how do we know he is telling us tha truth? He committed perjury earlier!"
"Oh good point." said Phoenix and he lean in and whisper. "Jakkid are you sure you didnt murder Celestia?"
"YES YOU FUCKING IDIOT"
"Ok just making sure." he said "Final question. What make you think you didnt commit the crime?"
"Because," I said "Greatest detectives never commit murder!"
"But ar you really greatest detective?" said Phoenix.
"Well yeah everyone calls me that. Im not some piece of teenage wildlife."
"Lets test this theeory!" said Phoenix "I will ask you question, and if you can deduce answer then you are Not Guilty. Do you agree, Judge?"
"Yeah sure why not" said Luna.
"Ok jakkid, answer me this," said Phoenix and he put he fingers behind his back. "How many fingers I holding up?"
"Shit," I said. This was it, it was all on tha line. I knew if I fuck this up I would get guilty, so I deduced hard. "I see from the mirror over there that you are holding up 3 fingers. but since it is a mirror it wold be backwards, so that must mean you are holding up E fingers!"
"Is that you final answer?" said Phoenix.
"YES!" I said.
"WRONG!" said Phoenix. "I was holdin up 4 fingers!"
"SHIT!" I said. "Wait wait wait! Double or nothing!"
"Okay fine," said Phoenix "Luna you do it this time."
"Ok." said Luna "Okay jakkid how many fingers am I holding up?"
"2"
"Wrong! I was holding up 3! You are guilty now."
"WHAT?!" I said. "Phoenix what the fuck? You didnt help me at all!"
"Well yeah I guess you commited the crime," said Phoenix.
"You was supposed to be the greatest lawyer of all time!" I said "Why do you suck now?"
"Well you know what they say. Even a working clock is wrong twice a day."
"Shit. Well I guess I can keep writing stories in prison. But they will all suck because they will be about me being in prison"
"Nope," said Luna. "You wont be writing stories where you ar going."
"In prison right?" I said "That usualy happens when you get guilty."
"Not this time," said Luna "You crime is too haynus to let you get off too easy."
"Aw fuck I am gonne get executed!" I said. yeah
"No, we do not do that in Equestria. Instead, you ar going to get turned to stone by the Elements of Harmony!"
'What who fuck?!" I said.
"Guards take him to he cell while Twilight goes to retreeve the Elephants of Harmony!"
~ LATER, in PONY PRISON ~
"SWEAR WORDS!" I shouted in anger. "I am so fuck about this! There is the where is anyone who can help me now?!" I said. But I wasout of detective ideas. I was in prison now, and all Equestira was gonna turn me into Stone Rock Statue.
I sat down in me cell as I cold not beleve what happened. How cold this happen? I was detective jakkid166, but now, i was stupid idiot jakkid166.
But then I heard a GLOWING noise! I looked around and I was SHOCKED to see what had happen! Someone was entereing my cell, but it was not a normal person...
it was a GHOST!
the ghost of DICK AMERICA! (the guy from the perevious story.)
"Holy shit!" I said. "Dick America, my adopted cousin! What are you doing here? I thought you was dead!"
"I am dead idiot," said America. "I am a ghost. I was in heaven earlier but I heard you needed help so I came down here to see what goin on."
"You gota help me dick!" I said "I am in prison from false convict, and now im gonna get executed to stone!"
"That is pretty bad," said Dick "All the ponies are pretty mad at you for killin Celestia too."
"I DIDNT KILL CELESTIA! This is fuck stupid! come on Dick America do you think I would commit murder?"
"Well no I guess not," said Dick. ""Good point. Okay jakkid I will help you. Lets get outta here and solve the crime, as cousin and cousin."
so dick america went to the outside the wall and used his ghost powers to PULL ME THROUGH, and I was out of my cell. We fell off Canterlot and hit the ground and I got up and said "Alright Dick. Its time to begin our adventure thorough Equestria."
"Are you sure you wanna do this jakkid?" said Dick. "There wil be many cimematic twists and turn, and all the while the ponies will be tryin to capture us. This will be you ultimate adventure yet!"
"Adventure is my middle name," I said "DETECTIVE ADVENTURE JAKKID166!"
"Hey portner are you sure that Detective jakkid166 comited the crime?" said Applejack.
"Yes Im sure," said Twilight Sparkles. "He got convicted in court, and that always mean you did it."
"Yeah youre right," said Applejack
"Besides," said Rarity, "I dont care if he did it or not. Even if he dident murder Celestia he still assasinated Celestia and so he sucks."
"That is true as hell." said Twilight and she grabed the mug that the elements were blended together in. "Ok guys I got the Element Smoothie of Harmony because of when jakkid blended them up in one of the other stories."
"But are we sure Jakkid deserve this?" said Flutterpie. "Being turn to stone sucks a lot!"
"Yeah well he shoulda thought about that before he did a Murder Murder Eat a Burger." said Twilight. "Now lets go kill him to stone!"
"YEEEEAH!" screamed the other ponies so hard that they almost went blind from how loud of sound it was. they grabed their battle armor and went down into then dungeons and to the cell where I wasnt but they didnt know that.
"DETECTIVE JAKKID PREPARE TO DIE" said Twelight, and they saw me in the cell but it was actualy a dummy fake me that I left there. "Fire the element of harmony!" said Twilight and she hold out the elements of harmony and aimed it at the fake me and pulld the trigger and it FIRED at tit. then the dummy me fell over
"Wait what the hell?" said Twilight.
"Woah shit!" said Pinkie "We turnd him into a mannakin!"
"Actually I think he escaped" said Rarity.
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" said Twilight "Everone SPREAD OUT and look forhim!"
woah how did i do that
I was stil on the ground with Dick America but I was distarcted looking at my phone. I was on a discord server and I sented the message "update: i have Escaped the castel dungeon"
But DICK grabed the phone and turn it off and throw it on the gound and stomp it into a milion pieces then put it in my pocket. "Jakkid you dickiot weve gotta go!"
"Fine" I said "But where are we goin? We dont have any clues or leads or bags of trail mix."
"Thats right," said Dick Americana. "We dont have clues, which mean we need to GET SOME, like Duke Dukem says."
"But HOW?"
"We have gotta INVESTIGATE THE CRIME SCENE. Yeah boy"
"but HOW? I am wanted to hell! If we go there I will probably get arrested in the face."
"We have got to get you in there so you can ivestigate though," said Dick. "Because im dead so youre gonna be better at it. And ive got JUST the plan!"
~ LATER TIME ~
"Dammit!" I angered at Dick. "This beter work!"
Dick America floated to tha castle where it was guarded by ponies. "HALTY!" said a guard pony. "Who in hell are you?"
"I live in heaven not hell," said Dick. "And I am Ghost Detective Dick America, and im here to investiginate this crime scenes!"
"Oh yeah bitch?" said the guard "Where is you badge then?"
so Dick America pulled out his badge and show it to him. "Hmm is this badge real?" asked the guard.
"Yeah I am," said the badge.
"Alright cool." and he grab his spear and stab the gate open.
"Thanks" said Dick America but he wanted to show off his ghost powers so he closed the gate and then floated through it.
"Yeah it worked!" I said because I was disguise as Dick Americas police badge. thats how it could talk
Dick went into the castle and saw there was lots of ponies mopping up blood and everthing was red. "What who hell happened here?" said Dick.
"Well you see," said a guard. "Pirncess Celesita got murdered, so when that hapened the entire castle got flooded with blood. and a lot of us almost drowned. So we are cleaning it up now"
"Exellent," said Dick. "Where is the body?"
"You are standing on it" said the guard. and Dick America looked down at it and he was standing on Celestias body.
"Oh whoops" said Dick. "Wow this feels weird. Very squishy"
"Yeah everbody says that."
"OK well I am official dective business!" said Dick "And you all ned to go away so I can invesigate and catch the real killer."
"But we already caught the real killer, who is Detecive jakkid166. Can you imagine he kill Celestia? Only the most bastardly evilest person in entire existence cold possibly do that."
"Well I ned to catch him AGAIN, to put him in double prison! What was cause of death?"
"Cause of death was getting killed," said the guard. "A bulet went in her neck and made it leak out blood until she drowned in the blood. The bulet matches the Balistic Markings of Detective guns, so it had to have been him! Or you I guess"
"What else is evidence?"
"Also this security footage," said gaurd and he gave a VHS tape to Dick. "It show Detective jakkid166 commit the crime. Dick pulled out his phone and plug the tape into it and it showed me runnign upt o Celestia and shooting her a bunch of times and then reloading and doing it again. And then reloading and doing it again. that happened like 20 times and then the tape ended
"Alright cool," said Dick "Now get outa here so I can ivestigate! In fact get out of Canterlot because youre still too close."
"Roger that" said the Guard. "You hear him everyone lets GO!" and they all went and jumped off canterlot
"Sweet" said Dick America. He took out me disguised as the police badge and throw me on the ground and I take off the disguise. "Alright lets do this!"
I look at the tape and said "Hmm this very convincing. Looks like whoever did this can afford Adobe After Effects."
"Sturning devacation detective jakkid166" said Dick. "What about the body though?"
I take out my detectiv magnifying glass to enlarge Celestias body so I could see it. "Damn she is dead as hell. Okay Dick do you seen anything suspicous about the body?"
"Hmm" said Dick "WAIT A MINUTE!" he said and he pick up a diamond that was shove into one of the bulet holes in her neck. "You know wat this is?"
"A diamond!"
"A diamnd is a kind of rock. And there is only one single place in Equestria where rocks exist. the lair of the DIAMOND DOGS!"
"SHIT!" I said "So they could have a connection to her murder?"
"Yeah maybe." he said "We gota go find theose bad guys and pay them visit!"
"But I dont have any money," said me "Cant they pay us instead?"
"Wait whats that sound!" said Dick America and he turn around and standing there was TWILIGHT AND FRIENDS!
"DICK AMERICA!" said Twilight "What ar you doing with Detctive jakkid166?!"
"No im just arresting him," said Dick and he put handcuffs on me. "There now since hes arrested, that means hes now in his cell back in the dungeon instead of being here."
"Oh sweet thanks" said Pinkie and they all ranback down there.
"Holy crap," I said. "Only us detecives could come up with such lies to fool their master minds."
"Yeah" said Dick "Now lets GO!"
but then twilightandfriends ran back UP and said "Dammit Dick America you tricked us! You ar under arrest too!"
"Shit!" I said and we RAN.
"AFTER THEM!" said Twilight. "and BEFORE them too!" but because the ponies have 4 legs they were FASTER
"DAMMIT!" I said and I ran on both my legs and arms to go SUPER FAST
"Wait jakkid there is fork in the road coming up!" said Dick "Do we go leftor right?"
"One second" I said and I pull out my phone again. It was hard to see what was on the screen on the million pieces but I typed on discord "Hey guys I am in big fuck trouble. do I go left or right hallway"
but they was taking forever to answer so we stop at the halls to wait to see which one it was. "WAIT!" I said to Twilight and the others "Im waiting to see where I should go."
"Oh okay" said Twilight.
like two minutes later a person said "left" and so we went LEFT
"WAIT!" I said "This the womans bathroom!"
so we RAN through the bathroom and lots of girl ponies SCREAMED at us and i shield my eyes and we CRASH out the window outside. I cough the glas shards out of my lungs and we ran to the castle back yard where the caslte keep its cata pults.
"Dikkid Ameri166 you cannot escape!" said Twilight.
i look at one of the catapults. "What are these for Twilight?"
"Oh Celestia uses those for launching things like ponies and nukes."
"Cool thanks im escaping now." I said and I grab dick america and throw him in the catapult.
"No youre not." said Twilight.
"Yes I am." i said and I got in the catapult.
"No youre not."
"Yeah I am" I said while I hit the buton to fling us away.
"No youre not."
"Yes I am" I said while me and Dick America was flying away over tha horizon.
"Shit they escaped!" said Twilight "Okay we have gotta chase after them. Everybody get in the cata pult quick!"
"Wait Twilight!" said Pinkie. "Look, the catapults batteries are dead."
"DAMMIT" said Twilight "What ar we gonna do now?"
just then Luna swam up to them and said "What the helleth you guys! I thought you wa gonna recapture jakkid!"
"Im sorry master I will not let you down again," said Twilight. "We wil track him down!"
"You better," said Luna and she gave them a GPS "Here useth this."
"What does this GPS do?" said Rainbow.
"It tracketh detective jakkid166," said Luna "But its broken so it doesnt do anything. Now go out and findst them!" she said.
"Aye aye captain!" said however many ponies there were and they ran off.
~ MEANWHILE ~
"Man this sucks" I said while I was soarin through the air with Dick America after bein flung by the catapult. "Now im on the run like some guy who got framed for assassionation."
"Dont worry jakkid we will find who did this," said Dick America. "Murders make me real angry" he said and he made his eyebrows angry to show me how angry murder makes him. but it wasnt enough to get point across so he used a marker to make his eyebrows look even more angry.
"Wow that is pretty angry." I said and I sighed and pulld up a chair and sat in it. "Stil I hope you are right. I cannot live while framed for muder."
"Well we will hit the ground in like 5 minutes," said America "So it shud not be too much time."
"Cool," I said. It took me 5 minutes to finish saying that though so by the time I did we was almost hit the ground
"Shit brace for impact!" said Dick Amercica and I SLAMMED into the ground and made hole shaped like myself, like in Tooney Lunes. But Dick America jus floated to the ground cause hes a ghost.
"Holy gigafuck!" I said and I jump outa the hole. "Wow this hole looks pretty cool. Im gonna take it as a souveneir." and I peeled the hole off tha ground and put it in my pocket. "Hey Dicko I got a question."
"What is it" said Dick America the ghost detective who is my adopted cousin.
"If Celestia is dead why cant she just rule as a ghost?"
"Alicorns cant become ghosts," said Dick. "Because of magic or something"
"Oh ok." and I got onto my fees. "Where to hell are we, anyway?"
"Exactily where we ned to be," said Dick and he point to the mountain we land next to. There was a big hole in it that things might be inside
"What is that place?" I said.
"That is called a cave," said Dick America. "I think its the cave weve been looking for. Come on lets go as hell"
so Dick and I and Dick went into the cave. it was dark but I use my Bright Optimism to shine the way. And also a flashlight
"What kind of idiot lives in the dark?" I said "How ar they gonna chop up vegetables witout cutting themselves?"
"I dunno jakkid," said Dick. "But this is a realy old looking cave so theres probably a light switch somewhere. We just gotta find it." but before he could finish finishing his setence, we both got KNOCKED OUT by something!
~ LATER TIME ~
We both woked up and we were tied to chair. We were in a room that had like 14 walls wich make me feel really castrophobic. There was a table and a big miror on the wall which I used to see a zit on my face that I wanted to pop but could not because we were tied up.
"Shit!" said me. "What happend!"
"We got captured," said Dick. "We wil have to talk our way outa this with our detective skill ets."
and the one of the walls opened and in walked a guy. He looked like a dog exept really stupid looking and on two legs instead of three. He stand in front of us and said "Okay bitches, why the hell you two sneaking in our ancient cave with light switches installed?"
"Dident you hear idiot?" said Dick America. "Princess Celestia got assasinated! And we found a lead to this place which make us think you guys cold have a connection to her murder."
"That's very idiot of you," said the dog. "You shoulda known better than to sneak into the Diamond Dogs!"
"Wait," I said. "You are called Diamond Dogs. Is that a David Bowie reference?"
"Yes," said the diamond dog.
"Aw sweet! Since we have tha same music taste that mean you should untie us."
"That makes sense" he said and he untied us. "My name is Nicholas Dog by the way. So what the hell bring connection from Celestias murder to us?"
"This diamond," said Dick and he pull it out of his ghost pocket. "Is it yours?"
"HMM" said the Nicholas. "Yes this is one our diamonds. But I, the leader of Diamond Dogs, know that nonea us could ever murder Celestia because she is too invincible. Besides, we have no motive!"
"Ok fair enough." said me. "But can we still ivestigate for clues? This is realy important to me cause if I dont solve this case I will get turned to stone."
"Sure," said Diamond Dog. "I will give you two Visitor Passes and then I can give you tour of the place." so he scan his keycard in the door and left out away and then came back with the passes.
We walked out and went to th first room. "This is the diamond mining room," said him and he open the door and show us a buncha Diamond Dogs mining stuff out of rocks and cements.
"What do they do in here?" said Dick.
"This is where they mine stuf like rubies and sappires and garnets and amethists and pearls and stevens."
"But where do they mine diamonds?" said me
"In the secret room you ar not allowed to know about at the end of the hall," said Nicholas. "You cannot go in there."
"Oh ok." said Dick. "I guess if we dont know about it we cant go in. Oh well, anyway it is night time now so can we stay the night? We hav nowhere to go right now because jakkid is wanted fudgitive from the law."
"Yeah sure why not" said Nicholas. "But dont sneak around the place at night and discover our dark secrets!"
"Dont worry we wont," said Dick. "So where can we sleep for the night?"
"I know jus the perfect place," said Nicholas and he open the door. "This is the room of really loud machines that never turn off. You can sleep here"
"Perfect!" said Dick and we went in there to sleep for the night hours.
~ A HOUR LATER ~
"Dammit I cant sleep for some reason," Dick said.
"Yeah you right," said me. "Also do you not hear that?"
"No I don't not hear it," said Dick. "What is it"
"Its the sound of nothing happening!"
"WHAT?" said Dick and he shat up. "But wherr could that be coming from?"
I shove my fist into my mouth to help me think better. "Mngghnmgmnh," I said, which is actualy muffle speak for "It must be comin from the secret room we are not allowed to go in! We gota go investigate."
"But!" said Dick.
"No buts," I said. "Rember the detective creed! If there is suspicious, you always investiginate."
"Yeah youre right," said Dick and we went to our door. But it was LOCKED!
"Shit they lock us in!" said DIck. "Water we gonna do?"
"Wait!" I said and I point my nose at the window. "There is a window to the hall!"
"But the window is made of glass," said Dick. "And glass doesnt have door knobs!"
"Dont worry ive got an idea," I said and I reach into my detective pocket and pulled out a lamp. "Phoenix Wright once use one of these to get outta a sticky situation."
"What you fuck is that?" said Dick America.
"This is a MAGIC lamp." I said. "Watch"
and I threw the lamp at the window and it broke the window and we climbed out.
"Wow that WAS like magic!" said Dick.
So we startd wanking down the hall, but when we got to the dor to the secret room, it was locked too.
"WHat now?" said Dick.
"Simple" I said and I grab a sledge hammer and used it to BASH THE DOOR DOWN but i did it real quietly so no one wold hear us. We went into the room and there was a ton of square boxes and rectangle boxes.
"Crap it was a false alarm I guess" said Dick. "Theres nothing ilegal about boxes, unless the boxes are made of cocaine."
"WAIT!" I said and I got my magifnying glass out and inspect one of the boxes hard. "Wait a fuck! Theese boxes ARE made of cocaine!"
"WHAT?" said Dick.
"YES!" I said and I look around more and the FLOOR and WALLS and SHELVES and CEELING were ALL also made of cocaine! I opened a box and there was tons of bags of cocaine in them too.
"Shit!" said Dhit. "What could this mean?"
"I dunno." and I looke in another box and therr was a bunch of files. "Hey lookat this!" said detective jakkid166 to Dick America. I pulled out a file and the file said this:
CLIENT NAME: BRAD JOKE
PURCHASED 50 POUNDS COCAINE
But then we hear another sound. It came from the di rection of the other door in the room. We went to the dor and opened it and what we saw SHOCKED our EYES!
It was TONS of diamond dogs who were all at tables making cocaine. They was mixing all the ingerdients together for cocaine and baking coca cola to ex tract the cocaine from it.
"Shit!" I said. "You know what this MEEEEEANS?"
"What?" said America.
"The Diamond Dogs mining is actualy a front for their secret cocaine dealing operation!"
"Holy shirt!" said Dick. "Thats realy bad! We gota bust them nuts!"
"Yeah," I said "Come on lets go." but then IRON BARS shutted over the entarnce door and the ALARMS went off!
"CRAP!" said me. "They musta had non-motion detecting sensors that detected when we were not moving!" I ran at the dor and tried to bust it open with my head but my head bounce off the door and I fell into a box of cocaine and the cocaine explode all over me
"Shit jakkid you okay?" said Dick.
"Yeah I am" said me who was covered in cocaine. "Woah. Holy crap I feel weerd."
Dick looked at tha door to the cocaine making room and saw all the dogs was running into the room with us. Dick pull out his ghost gun and said "Jakkid getup we gotta fight for the future!"
"One second" I said and I grabed some cocaine and licked it. "Hey this stuff isent that bad."
"JAKKID GET TO FUCK"
but then the dogs RAN IN THE ROOM and surround us and they were really guns!
"HEY!" said one dog. "Who the shitterfuck are you?"
"We are Detective Dick America and jakkid166," said Dick "And we are here to stop you cocaine operation!"
"Yeah what he said," I said while I secretly put a bag of coke in me pocket.
"Bitch!" said a dog. "You gonna die!" and the dogs SHOOTED THEIR GUNS AT US. But the scene went into slow motion when they did that so we had enough reaction time to JUMP OUT OF THE WAY. and their bullets went all into each others guns and clogged them, so they had to fight fists instead.
So onea them ran at Dick but he picked the dog up and slam dunked him into a box of cocaine and made him get really high and he went unsonsious. Two more dogs ran to dick and were throwing snow balls made of cocaine at him but Dick used a box lid as a shield and slammd one of the Dogs so hard he got stuck in the ground. Then he grabbed himself and swung himself around so hard that he hit one of the dogs and the dog got sent crashign through a wall and then he landed on a bed and accidentally went to sleep.
Meanwhile one of the dogs ran to me but I slide under him and kick him into the air and then I grabed a expensive vase and put it where he was gonna land and he landed on the vase and broke it. "Oh no!" said the dog. "I broke the expensive vase! Now im gonne be bankrupt" he said and ran away crying. Then I closed my eyes and ran into tha crowd of dogs and punched everywhere and a ton of dogs got knock out.
Me and Dick joind up with each other and Dick pick me up and started hitting the dogs with me while I also kicked them in the face and made them have real high dentist bills.
Meanwhile Nicholas walke into the room and was like "What in the ever fucking fuck? STOOOOOOOOOOOP!"
so EVERYONE SUDDENLY STOPPED FIGHTING.
"What the FUCK ARE YOU ALL DOING?"
"Uhhhh" we all said and hide our weapon behind our backs. "Nothing"
"You idiots why are you fighing?" said Nick. "You supposed to be making cocaine!"
"He started it" said a dog and he point at me.
"HEY!" He said to me and Dick. "Whatar you two doing in here?! I told you you not supposed to go in here!"
"Yeah well we are dectives you shit fick," said me. "We have to ivestigate! And now we found out that you make cocaine!"
"Yeah so what if we make cocaine?" said Nicholas. "Whats the problem"
"Its FALSE ADVERTISING!" said Dick. "You shud be called Cocaine Dogs instead!"
"Oh yeah good point," said Nicholas. "Ok guys we are called Cocaine Dogs from now on."
"Alright" said the rest of the Cocaine Dogs.
"Now" said Nick. "You still broke in here and I dont like that."
"Yeah wel if you are making cocaine maybe you also murder celestia!" said Dick.
"No," said Nicholas. "I love celestia! She is the one who let us do all our cocaine operation underground. Besides, it wold be impossible for us to kill Celestia. Frist off, she is too far away and we dont own any cars. Second, she wa killed with a detective gun! How do diamond dogs supposed to get detective guns? Only our boss wold know something like that, cause hes really powerful."
"Oh yea good point." I said. "But jus to make sure we should talk to your boss."
"Sorry," said Nick. "Only people who buy the cocaine get to see the boss. Even us shit imployees dont know who it is."
"We will NOT buy cocaine!" said Dick. "Dectives never buy cocaine, for we is honor of glory."
"Shit!" I sayed. "We have no leads!"
"Wait jakkid," said Dick and he pull out tha file on Brad Joke. "Who is this guy who buy cocaine? Did he meet the boss?"
"Yeah he did," said Nick. "You should talk to him. Hes a comedian guy, who is performing at the Rip Off nightclub in Manehattan tomorrow night. He might have you answers."
"Damn." I said. "Alright well thanks for the help anyway."
"Yeah if you weren't tryin to help bring justice for Celestia then I wold be really mad at you, but you hav just goals so its alright."
"Sweet thanks" said Dick. "Alright come on jakkid lets go catch a flight to Manehattan quick."
"You got it," I said but I secretly ate a little more of tha cocaine I took with me.
I backflipped outta the cave and landed on my face. I got up and said "Alright Dick we gotta lead! This will help us with our case so hard. We just gotta get to Manehattan, and then we will get to Manehattan."
"Yeah you right jakkid," said Dick America. "Are you ready to go now?"
"Yeah hell I am," I said. "After all they call me Detective jakkid166 for a reason."
"What is that reason?"
"Because its my name."
"Wooooah"
"Anyway we gotte head over back to the Manehattan place," I said to Dick. "But to do that we gotte have a method of transporter. Thankfully, the Diamond Dogs cave is right next to the Equestria Airport" I said and I pointed to the airport we were next to.
"Wow sweet" said Dick America and we went into the air port. while we was on their way i tripped and fell on the ground
"Oops" i said and I got up. "That was the fall of detective jakkid166."
Anyway we went in and I walked up to the plane ticket seller pony but then some pony guy cut in front of us and went to the ticket seller first.
"One ticket to Pony Istanbul please" said the guy.
"Okay sure whats your name?"
"My name is Detective jakkid166" said the pony.
"WHAT?!" SCREAMED the ticket seller pony and her and a bunch of police ponies jumped on him and beat him up with police sdicks. And then he got arrested and taken away
"Holy crap" I said. "That guy has the name name of me as just a coincidence."
"Yeah you right," said Dick America. "You gotta make up a fake name for youself so you dont get arrestinated too."
so I qalked up to the pony and said "Hi I would like one plane ticket to Manehattan please."
"Alright sure what is your name?"
"Uhhhhhh" I said. I tryed to think of a fake name, but because I am a detective I only think about facts and logic all the time, so I am not good at making up fake things. So I instead decided to use a name I have already heard before. But what name wold fit me best?
"My name is Princess Celestia," said me.
"Wow you have the name of Princess Celestia just as coincidence?" said the pony "Thats so cool. And who is the other guy?"
"My name is Tom Cruise," said Dick America.
"Wow Tom Cruise can I have you autograph?" said the pony.
"Sure" said Dick America but he had no paper so he went to the bathroom and stole a roll of toilet paper and signed that and gave it to her.
"Thanks Tom Cruise" said her and she gave us our tickets. "Enjoy your flight, unless you die on it."
"Thanks" we said and we went on the plane. I seat in my sat, and Dick Americo sat next to me. "Fantasmic," I said to Dick. "We are making good progres! Maybe we will even reach end of this story in like two chapters."
"Yeah maybe," said Dick America "But we cannot get too ahead of theirselves yet. We mus watch for danger of every corner."
"True" I said and I pulle out my detective gun to be ready for anything. The plane started taking off though and the flight atendant said "Sir please store your gun in the over head cabinet while the plane is flying."
"Fine" I said and I did that. But I also secretly took some more cocaine outa my pocket and ate it.
We flew through the air (because planes can fly) and the speaker came on the speaker and said "Hello everyone and welcome to Death Airlines. If you die on this flight please do not sue us."
"Thats stupid," I said. "Why wold someone die while they are still alive?"
"I dunno jakkid," said Dick Ghost. "Anyway hey Flight attendant can we get some food? Ghost food for me and normal food for jakkid."
"Sorry we dont have ghost food," said the atendant. "We do have vampire food though."
"Ok sure that works" said Dick America and the attendant give him a glass of blood. And Dick used him shapeshifiting ghost powers to grow fangs and suck the blood
But Dick America got a phone call on his telecellphone. He pulled it out and said "Hello who is this?"
"Dumbass!" said the ticket seller pony who was on the other end of call. "You are not Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise is dead! This mean you signed tickets with a fake name!"
"So?" said Dick. "What are you gonne do about it?"
"We are gonna shoot you flight down!" said the pony and she went to the big airport Artilery Cannons and starte firing it, and the cannons shot smaller artillery cannons out and then the smaller ones fired bullets at our plane. Then one of the bullets HIT the side of the plane and blew one of the doors off and all the people in the plane got SUCKED OUT but they were okay cause they had parachutes. Me and Dick america didnt get sucked out though because
"Shit!" I said. "Everyone is sucked out, includeing the pilots! We are gonne crash and die!"
Dick Americo looked out the window and said "Shit jakkid we are flying into Manehattan, we might get in a trafic collision!"
"Oh no that is very bad." said me
"Jakkid there is only one way we can save ourself." said Dick Ameica. "We wil have to FLY THE PLANE!"
"Shit you right!" I said and we run to the cokpit. I sat in the chair and I grabed the plane's steering wheel. "Alright let's do this."
the plane was headin STRAIGHT for a telephone pole but I was ready. I did not yet have my pilots lisense but I used my detective skills to deduce what buttons and stuff did what. I pulled up the plane but then we were headed for a BUILDING
"JAKKID WATCH OUT THE BUILDING" SAID DICK!
"DONT WORRY" I said and I JAM the wheel to the right and I drifted the plane around the building.
"Jakkid look out, you gonna hit that BIRD!"
"DAMMIT!" I said cause if the bird hit the wind sheeld then it would stain it with blood and make it hard to see. So I steer the plane and the bird went into one of the jet engines instead
"Wait jakkid you ar gonna hit that HOUSE!"
and I looked and saw the plane was going down and was gonna hit someone in the HOUSE! The pony guy was on his fromt lawn grilling meat and stuff and he looked at us flying toward him and said "Wow cool im gonna die."
but I PULLED the plane up JUST ENOUGH! It went soarin over his house and instead went for the street. "BRACE YOSELF DICK AMERICA!" I said and the plane CRASHED into the street and both me and dick got flung out tha windshield and we bounced off the road and landed in front of the Rip Off Nightclub.
"Table for two please," I said to the front door man.
"Yes sir," said the man. "Wold you like someone to valet your plane?"
"Sure thanks bro." I said and I threw the plane keys at him and we went inside. But when we was went inside, something was off abot this place...
"Wow," said Dick America. "This night club is also a aquarium! That is cool."
but I noticed something worse. the nightclub was also...
a STRIP CLUB!
"NOOOOO!" I said as I look at all the striper ponies. "I canot take it! None of these ponies is wearing any clothes!"
"Jakkid you gotta brave it," said Dick. "Detective must always face hardship in life, whether it be low salary or the Sin of Lust."
"Fine," said me. So we went to our table and sit down and a waiter pony came to us and gave us menus.
"I will have the fork," said Dick America.
"I want a spoon," said me.
"Exellent choices sir" said the waiter and he take our menus.
"Before you go," said me. "I hear there is a guy name Brad Joke performing tonight. Is that true?"
"Yeah it is," said the waiter whose name was actually Walter the Waiter. "He willbe doing stand up comedy very soon." and he left to go get our food.
"Hey jakkid," said Dick. "Why are you so afraid of naked girl so much?"
"Simple," said me. "Detective jakkid166 have one true love, and that is Justice. And i do not want justice to think I am cheating on it."
"But jakkid remember what they say," said Dick America. "Justice is blind. So it cant see you cheat on it."
"Oh wow good point," I said. "Still I dont get it. There is ponies on stripper poles that have big butts and people like that. Why do people like big butts? If your ass is really big that mean your butt cheeks have too much poop in them."
but then we looked at the stage and the curtains opened and on there we saw was a pony. Just from looking at him and listening to his voice, I cold tell that it was Brad Joke.
"My name is not Brad Joke," said the pony to the crowd, "But I am the one introducing Brad Joke. Everyone please welcome to the stage, whatever the name of the pony I just said is!" and he left the stage and Brad Joke got on.
"Sweet," said me as the waiter brought us our food. "We get to solve case AND listen to stand up comedy!"
"Yes," said Dick. "Even in detective life there is time for relaxation and fun."
and so Brad Joke start telling jokes. "Ok so why did the chicken cross the road?"
"I dont know," said the entire crowd
"Me either," said Brad.
"I dont get it," said me as I take a bite out of my spoon.
"Yeah I dont get it either" said Dick. "But lots of shows suck on the first season. Lets wait until season 2 to judge."
"Okay here is joke," said Brad. "Knock knock"
"Who's there?" said the crowd.
"I am Brad from UPS, I have your package for you."
nobody in the crowd was laughing at the jokes.
"Thats stupid," I said. "I hear that joke every time I buy something from Amazon."
"Yeah, season 2 sucked too!" said Dick. "But maybe third time is the charm."
"Yeah maybe."
"But even if his jokes start not sucking we need to find a way to get him alone so we can questione him." said Dick America. "But how will we do that?"
"For a distraction I could fight one of the aquarium dolphins," I said. "But thats illegal. It would be defeating the porpoise"
"Okay here is another joke," said Brad. "What do you call a spoon that is pointy?"
"I dont know," said the crowd.
"A pointspoon!"
"What" said the crowd.
I had enough. I got up from my chair and pointed at Brad and the spotlight shine on me and I said "HEY! Your jokes suck!"
"What the fuck?" said Brad Joke."No they do not! I am funnier than any other pony alive, like George Washington."
"Oh yeah?" I said and I look at the crowd. "Who here think this guy is not funny?"
"I do I think this idiot on the stage is not funny!" said everyone in the crowd and they start booing him.
"OH NO, THERE ARE GHOSTS SAYING BOO!" said Brad.
"No there are not," said Dick. "Except for me. We are booing you!"
"HEY THATS MEAN!" said Brad. "Fuck you idiots, you all suck wrinkly pony balls!" and he ran backstage.
"After him!" I shouted and me and Dick ran back to the backstage. Brad Joke was in him dressing room and I KICKEd the door down and went to him.
"WOAH what the fuck?" said brad. "Who the hell are you doing here?!"
I grabed Brad Joke and was gonna slam him onto a table but there was no table. "Goddammit!" I said. "Hey Dick go find a table!"
"But there is no tables here," said Dick.
I took out some more cocaine and ate it and said "Then go find one SOMEWHERE ELSE!"
"Okay jeez!" so Dick ran out of the club and went to the nearest IKEA and brought a table back and built it.
then I slammed Brad onto the table for questioning and said "Alright Brad I know you been buying cocaine from the Cocaine Dogs! You gonna answer questions to me!"
"Good luck bitch!" said Brad. "I never answer questions in my life! Besides, cocaine isent illegal in Equestria!"
"Oh yeah?" said me. "Maybe so but I have you on a WORSE crime."
"Which one?"
"Doing stand up comedy WITHOUT a sense of humor!"
"He is right," said Dick. "That is serious crime. Punishable by having to watch Andy Dick stand up comedy."
"NOOOOO!" said Brad. "You cant prove I have no sense of humore!"
"Oh yeah?" I said. "I have simple test for you then. Say a funny joke"
"Uhhhhhh" said Brad. "Uhhh did you assume gender? I am attack helicopter."
"Dumbass!" said me. "You fall into my trap! No one with sense of humor ever says that joke!"
"Shit youre right!" said Brad. "Okay I admit it! I have not sense of humor!"
"Then you beter answer our questions," said me, "Or else we gonna arrest you!"
"Fine!" said Brad and I let go of him and he sit in his chair. "What the hell you want to know?"
Dick took out his handy dandy notebook and said "You bought cocaine from the cocaine dogs right?"
"Yeah so what?"
"So you meet their boss?" said me.
"Yeah."
"That is my questione!" I said and I slam my face on the table. "Who is their boss?"
"I dont know," said Brad.
"WHAT?" said me and I grab him and the camera zoom in really close on us. "Bull shit! You met him!"
"Yeah I did but I dont know his name."
but then i THREW Brad into the wall and he made a dent in the wall. I went to him and grab him again and said "Dont you bull shitting us! I am Detective jakkid166! I can fuck you up AND down!"
"WOAH jakkid!" said Dick. "Calm down! We is just questioning him!"
"Oh." said me. "Sorry. Something is making me do weird stuff."
"Jesus Christ I really dont know who he is!" said Brad. "All I know is he is red and has horn. And he said he was really happy Celestia is dead."
"I see," said me. "He is prime suspect! So we are lookin for a red unicorn then. What red unicorns do we know?"
"I dunno," said Dick. "But it is a lead. We better go out and find more info on who that might be."
"Right," said me, and me and Dick started to leave. but I pointed at Brad and said "Alright thanks for the info, but you better take comedy school lessons or we wil be back!"
"Okay fine sheesh" said Brad.
We went out into the dining room but everone was gone for some reason. "What my fuck?" said me. "Where did everyone go? This is not Fallout Equestria yet."
"Wait jakkid do you ear that?" said Dick America.
"No I dont. What is it?"
"Its the sound of you being punched in the face!"
"Wait what?" I said but then I realized I had just been punched the face and knocked into a wall. "What the fuck? Who done did that?"
but then the punch attacker landed on the ground and I saw, it was RAINBOW DASH! and she was with TWILIGHT Sparkle and whoever the others are!
"Aw crap!" said Dick. "How ded you find us?!"
"It was simple clue work," said Twilight. "You see we cleverly deduced you were in here by watching you go in here."
"Damn!" I said. "We shoulda crashed something more stealthy into the place."
"But it is too late now!" said Twilight. "We gonna bring you back to Equestria and turn you both to STONE!"
"But I am ghost," said Dick America.
"Then we wil turn you into GLASS!"
"OH NO!" said Dick.
"WAIT" I said and I got off my wall hole. "Twilight Sponkle, you ned to listen to me! We are close to finding the true killer, I can FEEEEEEL IT!"
"Feel my ass," said Rainbow. "You are the true killer I know it! We saw it on the sekurity fideo!"
"That was faked Rainbow, with Adobe After Effects!"
"Jakkid I beleve you," said Twilight, "But I think you are lying. I am sorry but I canot risk leting the true killer go away!"
"Twilight I dont want to fight you!" said me.
"I wouldnt want to fight me either," said Twilight. "Woah thats the coolest thing I ever said in my life."
"Goddammit!" I said. "Alright look like it is time for battle royale."
And so we was all at a wild west standoff. Some weird music played in the background and a tumbleweed blow through the club. Twilight spat tobaco out of her mouth and Dick America looked at the horses in the background.
Suddely rainbow JUMPED at me but I was prepared. I grabbed a table and threw it at her and the table smashed into her and knocked her into a wall and smashed into her again and knock her out. Then Applejack ran to Dick America with her rope and tried to tie him up but he was a ghost so she couldn't.
"Aw appleshit," said Applejack. Then Dick stole Applejack's hat and Applejack said "HEY thats my hat!" and she kept trying to jump up and get it but Dick America was floating too high so she couldnt.
Then Rarity ran to me and attacked me with Dresses but I quickly went online and posted a lot of bad reviews on her shop so she was bankrupt and cold not make dresses anymore. "NOOOOOO!" said Rarity and she ran away crying.
Dick America put Applejacks hat on top of a tall shelf where she still kept trying to get it, and meanwhile Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy team up on him. Pinkie did a Kung Pow Kick but she actually went though Dick because he is a ghost and acidentally kicked fluttershy in the face instead and knock her out. Then Dick went to Pinkie and said to her "Stop attacking us."
"Oh okay." said Pinkie.
finally the last one was Twilight. "No you bast ards!" said Twilight. "We canot lose! Not today! We have to justice Celestia!"
"That is what WE are trying to do!" said me. "Join us Twilight, and we can solve the case as friend and friend!"
"NO!" said Twilight. she RAN at me to charge up her magic attack, but then I stuck my mouth on her horn and sucked a ton of magic out of her and I was Fully Charged.
"Aw crap," said Twilight.
And I unleash my ULTIMATE MAGIC BURP that sent Twilight andfriends away out of the nightclub and into the horizon.
"CURSE YOOOOU JAKKIIIIIIIID!" said Twilight as she flew into the distance.
"That gotta hold them off for a while," said me. "Dick are you ok?"
"Yeah," said Dick. "Im a ghost so nothing happened to me."
but then we both heard a EXPLOSION sound and a scream of eons! "What fuck was that?!" I said.
"It come from Brad Joke's dressing room!" said America and we ran back there. But when we open the door the scene was the SHOCKINGEST thing I ever seen!
Brad Joke was BLOWN UP, and pieces of him was everywhere!
"SHIT!" said Dick. "How cold this happen?!"
"I dont know!" I said. "Go find his neck so you can check his pulse!"
"Right," said Dick and he did that. "Here it is." and he felt for the pulse. "Oh no, he is DEAD!"
"God dammit!" I said. "This is suspicous as fuk. This guy give us info on the Cocaine Boss, and now he is dead?"
"Wait jakkid look at this," said Dick and he hold up a rocket launcher. "I bet this is the muder weapon!"
"You right," I said. "But I see no fignerprints on it. Mysterios," I said. But then I looked at onea the hoofs on the ground and it was holding a book.
"Whats this now?" I said and I grabed the book and read it. "Wtf, this is a bible!"
"A bible?!" said Dick. "But why wold someone getting murdered be holding a bible?"
"Maybe he is christian and want to forgive his sins before he died," said me. "Still this may be important." and I put the bible in my evidence record.
"Well jakkid where do we go now?" said Dick America.
"Wait lemme see that rockit launcher," said me. "Wait Dick, look at the brand of this rockit launcher!"
"Woah," said Dick. "Its a Cuisinart!"
"There is only one pony I know who sells this brand of rocket launchers," said me. "And I think it is time we pay him visit."
“So jakkid who is the person we are goin to find?” said Dick America when we left out of the nightclub.
“Remember,” said me. “Detective jakkid166 has a saying.”
“What is it?”
“I dont remember. But it is very psilosophical. It is the reason Philosopher is one of my special hidden titles other than Detective. Anyway our speed sucks right now, so we ned to get more fast. Like 6 or 7 more fast."
"Right I understand you!" said Dick America. So I called a taxi and they drove up to us and I said to the taxi driver "Drive us to Ponyville now!"
'WHAT?" said Dick America. "But ponyville is where ponies live, like Twilight and Rainbow Dash and Detective jakkid166! What if we get caut and arrested?"
"It is the risk we must take," said me. "The arms dealer live in the everfree forest. Next to the legs dealer."
So the taxi driver drived us across the ocean (the car has surfboards on the wheels) toward the Mystical land of Ponyville. "So who do you think done the crime?" said Dick.
"I have narrow down my options," said me. "But I am stil not sure. If someone has horn that means they are unicorns, so it wold have to be a unicorn. Maybe Lord Tirek, that guy is a dick head."
The guy kept drivin us across the ocean to the Ponyville, but it was takin forever because my watch was slow. So i started eating cocaine to pass the time
"Jakkid you should not eat so much cocaine it might do bad things to you," said Dick. "One time my dad ate like 7 pounds of cocaine and he got a small headache."
"Not to worry," said me. "Detective jakkid166 is on strict diet. I only eat the cocaine if I need to. Or want to. Or dont need to or dont want to." and I took some cocaine and made it into the shape of a milk and ate it.
"Wait, wher are we going?" said Dick. "I dont recognize this part of the ocean."
"O shit," said the driver. "I tok a wrong turn at the place where the water was! We have driven into PIRATE waters!"
"Oh FUCK!" said Dick and we looked around and there was pirate ships sailign around the place and fighting each other. We knew they were pirate ships because they had Jolly Rancher flags
"Dammit!" said the taxi driver pony. "We gotta get outta here undetected! Stealth yo"
"You right," said Dick. "No one move or be loud or do anything to make attention to us!"
but something was makin me act weird. "HEY!" I said at the pirates. "You suck like Banjo Kazooie Nuts and Bolts!"
"WHAT?" said one of the pyrate ships and the captain step out on deck and looked at us with his pirate telescope that he pirated off the internet. "Hey look thats Detective jakkid166! Lets catch him!" and his ship started goin to us and firing cannonballs and cannoncubes at us
"Jakkid why did you do that?!" said DIck.
"No matter!" said Taxi Driver (the guy not the movie) "Quick load the Taxi cannons and fire back!"
so me and Dick grabbed the canonballs from under the seats and loaded the cannons and fired them. Dick's balls missed but mine also missed. Then one of the pirate ships cannon balls hit our taxi right in the taxi and it was disabeld and we couldent drive anymore!
"Haha got you now!" said the pirate captain and he grabed a fishing pole and use it to catch our taxi and reel us onto our boat. The taxi fell onto the deck and the captain went to the front window and the driver rolled it down.
"Ahoy me fuckos!" said the captain "I hear Detective jakkid166 be on this shit!"
"Yeah I am," said me, "But you canot arrest me, because I need to solve the case!"
"No matey I dont want to arrest you," said the pyrate captain pony.
"What heck fuck?" said me. "Why not?"
"Cause I dont care if you killed Celstia, cause Im a evil bad pirate man. I need you to solve a crime on the ship! Let me introduce yourself. I am Captain Assbeard and this is my ship, the S.S. SSSSSSSSS."
"Wow," said me and we all got outta the taxi. "Detective jakkid had a ship once, but it turn out I dont like romance. So it wasnt canon."
"Dont worry our ship has lots of canons," said Assbeard. "The ones we shot you with. But thats not important right now, cause on this ship we had a MURDER!"
"What kind of murder?" said me.
"The kind where someone died."
"Dang that sucks," I said. "Okay Ill help you, but on one deal. You gotta sail us to the Everfree Forest if we solve it okay? I am on important detective mission."
"Sure matey we can do that matey."
"Okay so wheres the body and the autopsy report?"
"Heres the autopsy report," said Assbeard and he gave it to me. "The body is in the ship's bowling alley. Lets go down there."
so we went and took the elevator down to the bowling alley. When we got out we saw our eyes looking at the sight of the room. It was a big bowling alley, fill with pins and bowleng balls, and in the chewy center of it all was the dead pony body of a guy who had been deaded.
"Dang," I said and I look at the autopy report. "Ok so this says the guy is named Gordon Chefguy and he died of being stabbed with a bowling ball." I closed the autopsy report and said "So who did this?"
"It was our crew sandwich man, Jersey Mike," said Assbeard.
"Case closed," said me. "Detective jakkid does it again."
"Good job jakkid," said Assbeard, "But you also gotte figure out WHY he did it!"
"Fine," said me and I went to the boody and me and Dick America look closely at it to investigoat it.
"Dang," said me. "This Gordon guy even have a chef hat, he must have make really good food."
"Yeah he does," said Assbeard. "He make the best Lobster Hot Pockets.
"I gotte interrogate the victim to see why this mighta happened." so I said to the chef guy "Hey why did someone try to murder you?"
so Gordon got off the ground and said "I dont know, but you have to arest him for attempted murder. Lets go to the Pirate Jail and ask him."
so we all went back down the elevator and into the Pirate Jail. Jersey Mike was there in the jail cell eating a sandwich and said to us "Hey guys how you doing?"
"Idiot!" said me. "Why did you tried to kill Gordon Chefguy?"
"Becaus," said the guy and he threw his sand wich at me. "He is a DEMON!"
"Thats stupid," said Assbeard. "Demons dont be real! This a atheist pirate ship!"
"Yeah I am no demon," said Gordon. "Except for speed demon when I play Mario Kart."
"Then we are at standoff," said Dick America. "SOMEONE is lying! But how wil we find out who?"
"Wait," said me. "There is perfect way to decide if Gordon Chefguy is a demon or not. Are you thinking what I thinking Dick America?"
"I dont know."
“Me neither”
“I have the idea,” said me. “I have super detective secret technique for finding out if somoene is demon. Everyone plug your eyes, this is secret technique for only for detectives only!”
so I went to Gordon and I said “Are you a demon?”
“Yes”
“Is that you final answer?”
“Yes”
“Case closed,” said me. “He is a demon. Wait, that is a bad thing.”
“RAGH” gordon SCREAMED and his body RIPPED off his body and his body changed into being different. instead of having hands he had claws, instead of a peg leg he had a demon peg leg, and instead of his pirate name tag he had atag that said “Demon” on it.
“Curses!” said assbeard. “Gordon, you is really a demon? HOw COULD YOU?? I was at you bar mitzvah!”
“My name is not Gordon anymore,” said Gordon. “I am a demon, and my name…. is MATT DEMON”
“So what the hell is you plan, Matt Demon?” I said to him. “Now that you reveal yourself, you will be arested into Demon Jail.”
“I think NOT!” said him. “Detective jakkid166 I mus stop you from finding the truth about who realy killed Princess Celestia. And to do that I will EAT YOU!” and he LUNGE at me
But I stopped him and I said “No, cannerbalism is illegal in Equestria.”
“Oh right,” said Matt. “Ok well instead I will SINK this SHIP wit YOU ON IT!” and he ran out the door onto the poop deck and started bashing up the ship with him demon claws.
We all ran out after him and I pulld out my gun and said “STOP IN THE NAME OF THE LAW!”
“No you cant say that because you are fugitive on the run,” said Dick.
“Oh yeah. Then stop in the name of CRIME!”
“No,” said Matt and he kept doing stupid shit
“you leav me no choice” I said to him and I pulld out my gin. I aim it at his peg leg and fired BUT the bullet bounce off because wood is bulletproof.
“Dammit,” said me. “He is too invincible! How ar we gonna beat him?”
“QUICK” said Assbeard. “To the Captains Quarters!”
So we ran down to the storag room where the captain kept his collection of quarters. “Why ar we here?” said me. “Quarters do not help us, unless you have Ms. Pac Man on this ship.”
“These ar special quarters,” said him and he dump the quarters into his hand. “These ar MAGIC quarters, which are a family heirloom that secretly can trans form into the ultimate demon killing weapon. The SWORD of KICK DEMON ASS!” and he grabbed the cuarters and they turned into the sword. It looked kinda like a sword except it was sharp too and had a blade on it.
“Wow that thing look really cool and expensive and really bad if you dropped it in the sea and lose it forever and go into debt bankrupt and die of poor,” said me.
“Yes it is valuable sword,” said Assbeard. “It is from Sharper Image. Alright lets go suck him up,” said Assbeard and we ran out to the deck but now the ship was leaking water so hard that it started raining and make things real cinematic. “MATT DEMON!”
“What the hell do you want now I am busy,” said Matt. he was playing mario kart on the pirate TV
“I chalenge you to a DUEL!” said Assbeard and he point his sword at him.
“Ok then grab a controller,” said Matt
“Oh okay,” said Assbeard and he sat down on couch and start playing Mario kart with Matt.
“I pick Luigi because he is the best character arr matey,” said Assbeard.
“Oh yeah well my main charater is Detective jakkid166!” said Matt and he choose me in the game. (i am in the game because i use my detectiv e money to pay nintendo to put me in. its not out in our world yet but it is mario kart 9)
“Oh no not Detective jakkid166!” said me. “I am the best chatater in the game! Assbeard does not stance a chance!”
“You mus have faith in the ass beard, jakkid,” said DIck. “It is our life on the line.”
so on the Switch TV screen, Mario got on screen and said “Ok it is Captain Assbeard vs Matt Demon! Whoever lose this race die in real life! Woo hoo here we go”
and the guy with the numbers came on the screen and said “3 2 1 GO!”
“Wait Mr. Numbers,” said Matt “You forget zero.”
“Oh right” said the guy. “ZERO GO”
and the two SPEED OFF down the track. Matt who was playing as me was very in the lead because the Detective jakkid166 in the game gets advantage by using jet plane instead of driving a car. Assbeard was only like 200 miles behind though so he c can still win probably
“Haha I am beating you off,” said Matt. “You will never win”
“Never say never,” said Assbeard “Except for when I am saying it now.”
Luigi in the game was try his best, but it was hard for him because his car was made out of slow and he kept runing over bananananana peels which made him eat them and he got more fat and weigh the car down more. But Luigi ran into the item box and got a item! It was a fire flower. He shot fire at the plane and the flammable metal catched on fire.
“FUck!” said game me. “I must take more drastic measure to win!” and he ran over a item box in his plane which gave him a item.
The item was a gun
“Haha eat this!” said game me and he fired his gun out the window at luigi and shot him in the face and Luigi got shot in the head and fall off his kart and died in the street. Luigis kart kept going though cause of momentum or something
“Haha!” said matt “What are you gonna do now?”
“Good question” said Assbeard. “What am I gonna do now?”
“JAKKID!” said Dick. “What ar we gonna do now?!”
“Hmm,” I hav an Idea, ”I said”.
“What is it?”
“I am here, but I am also in the game. Maybe I can use detectiv MENTAL LINK to control the me in the game!”
“Oh good idea jappid,” said Dick, “Try that!”
so I focus and concentrat my mind really hard. I thought so hard that my veins started to have blood in them. But after lot of strugging…
I WOKE UP in the game and I was the one flying the plane! I looked out the TV screen at matt and assbeard and said “Alright time to do this shit!” so I took control of the plane and start crashing it into stuff on purpose
“Hey stop doing that!” said Matt “You ar gonna make me lose!”
but I kept crashing the plane. Finally I pressed the planes Turbo Boosts and I flew the plane out of the track and over to Indonesia where I crashed the plane into a field of flowers and boomed and exploded and the plane blew up and i died.
“NOOOO!” said Matt. meanwhile Luigis kart rolled over the finish line and Assbeard won.
“HAHA!” said assbeard and he sTABBED matt with the sword and matt went all “NOOOOOO now I am gonna get back sent to hell where I live! But its not that bad cause I need to get home anyway so I can watch the new Breaking Bad movie.”
“Oh sweet ill go visit your house later so we can watch it together matey,” said Assbeard.
“Cool” said Matt and he was vankwished back to hell.
“Arr that wa sa close one,” said Assbeard. “Wait where is jakkid?”
Dick America was holdin my body because I was dead. “NOOO JAKKID HOW COLD YOU DONE THIS?” he said.
“Dammit,” said Assbeard. “Detecive jakkid prove his selflesnes again. He gave his life to save himself.”
but then I COUGHED and woke up.
“WOAH jakkid how ar you alive?” said Dick America?
“Mario gave me a 1 up,” said me. “Anyway did we win?”
“Yeah,” said Dick “Now we ar one step closer to winning the case! But why was there demon on the ship? That is very suspicos. What could it mean?”
“It is strange,” said Assbeard. “Demons has not been seen in this world for ages. Like my age, which is 47.”
“Still we do not know who killed Celestia,” said Dick. “That sucks.”
“Who do you think it cold be who murdered celestia?” said Assbeard. “I care about that”
“I have theory,” said me. “I am thinking it gotta be Lord Tirek, because he is red and evil!”
“What” said Assbeard “That is not possible. Dident you hear the newspaper?”
“Wat”
so Assbeard pulled a newspaper out of somewhere and showed it to me. “What ja fuck?” said me. “Dick read this headline! I dont have my reading glasses on so I cant see it”
so Dick took it and read it. “Lord Tirek found dead in Canterlot?!”
“WHAT?” I shouted
“Lord Tirek, age 9783156948398937190987, died last week of a heart attack, before Celestia was murdered. So he could not have been the one who murdered Celestia. That is what the paper said”
“Dang,” said me. “So Tirek cold not be the killer. But who else is a suspect?”
“I dont know,” said Assbeard. “FUnny thing though, that guys age is the same as my credit card number.” (please do not steal this guys money he is poor)
“Well this sucks,” said me. “Guess we gotta keep lookin for clues.”
“Thats right matey,” said Assbeard. “TIme to sail you to the Everfree Forest and you can complete you duty.”
so we got to the forest and as I was gettin off the ship, Assbeard came to me and said “Detecive jakkid I want you to take this,” he said and gave the Sword of Demon Ass Kicking to me. “You will ned it more than me. It is the only way to defeat demons.”
“Woah,” said me. “I am For Honored.”
“Yes,” said Assbeard “Just do not lose it, it cost like 50 bucks.”
“Hey,” I said “What is this name on the blade?”
“That is Gilliam Bickers, my ansester who made the sword.”
“Ok I dont care anymore. Bye”
so me and Dick left off the boat and headed to the everfree forest.
TO BE CONTINUED
The Rise and Fall of Detective jakkid166 and the Ponies from Equestria
I and Dick Americo detectived into the everfree Forest to serch for the secrert Arms Dealer who could tell us the name of the person who bought the Cuisinart brand rockit launcher and killed Brad Joke to cover for who killed Celestia. I cold tell that shit was getting real, because I could smell it.
"Dammit" said me. "I stepped in the shit that got real."
"We dont have time to give a fuck about that jakkid" said Dick. "Us detective must preverse through all hardshits."
"That is true," said me.
we got were walking through the forest, and eventually, we got to the a tree house. "Wait a mimute," said Dick America. "This is Zecoras house! She is potion seller, not arms dealer!"
"Everone has a secret double life where they sell ilegal weapons, Dick America," said me.
"Oh yeah youre right."
So I knock on the door and Zecora opened it and said "Oh hello Detective jakkid166. When you brush your teeth do you always spits?"
"Zecora we need business with you," said me. "Me and Dick must ask you special police questions, and if you fail the test you go to jail."
"Oh no, prison? That is bad," said Zecora. "I was just watching Frozen which has Josh Gad."
So I kicked the door open and sat down on her toilet and said "Okay Zecora, I has been investigating you for YEARS. I know you secretly ben selling ilegal firearms!"
"No, I am Zecora and I do not sell firearms," said Zecora. "And if you stab a car wheel that is called tire harms."
"Come on Zecora you beter tell us," said Dick. "We detecives are very hard, and we will not back down from you lies!"
"I think you both should leave," said Zecora. "If you need info then go on AskJeeve."
"You leeve me no choice" said me and I went over to zecoras wall. She had a poster for the band DEVO on it, but I took down the poster and behind it was the SECRET WEAPON STASH!
"Aw fuck!" said Zecora "You suck"
"Yeah"
"Fine I admit it, I sell firearms" said Decora. "I also sell human arms and pony arms and chicken parms."
"Watch you mouth you stupidiot!" said me. "Litsen here. Even thouh you are selling ilegal weapons, we will look over it for now if you tel us who bought this one thing. Deal or No Deal?"
"Deal," said Zecora. "Navy seal"
So I pulld this rocket launcher out of my pocket and said "Alright Zecora, this is the Cuisinart brand Rock Launcher that was use to kill Brad Joke the worst comedian in the world. You sold it right?"
"Yes I sold this bazooka," said Zecora. "When the guy saw it he said "gadzooka"."
I ate some cocaine and SLAM my hands on the ground and said "WHO SBOUGHT IT?"
"I Canot tell you," said Zecora, "If I do I might die too!"
I had enough of Zecoras bull shit. I pulld out the rocket launcher and pointed it at her and said "You beter tell me now bitch!"
"WOAH jakkid what in fuck ar you doing?!" said Dick.
"I am integgorating the suspect idiot," said me. "I am acting normal!"
"Jakkid the cocaine is making you crazy!" said Dick. "You gotta calm down!"
"Okay fine" said me and I droped the rocket launcher on the gournd and it FIRED and the rocket went out and bounce off Zecoras face and went into the roof and BLEW up the roof and a bunch of roof piececies fell down on us!
"SHIT!" said Dick America and he pull out his detective umbrella and he was safe and Zecora did too but I did not have an umbrella because I forgot mine at home, so a bunch of stuff fell on me and I got buried.
"OH NO JAKKID!" said Dick and he grabed one of Zecoras voodoo sporks and use it to dig me out of the ruble. "Are you ok Detective jakkid166 the greatest detective in the world?"
I cough and said "Yeah im fine." and I stood up but then my leg fell off so I realize something is probarbly wrong. I look at my leg and saw, oh NO, my leg was broke! "AAAAAAAGH" I screamd. "MY LEG"
"Ho shit!" said Dick. "Thats bad! Jakkid you idiot you cant keep eating cocaine! Thats it, I am taking it away!"
"NOOOOO" I said but Dick grabed the cocaine out of my suit and throw it in the trash where i cant get it. "You addiction gone too far, this is for your own good jakkid!"
"Fuck" said me. I poke my leg but it was all wobbeley and bendy and gross and I couldnt move it because it was broken. "Whatdo we do now?!"
"Zecora do you have leg healing potion?!" said Dick.
"Yes I do, I do not like seeing the broken leg because it is gory," said Zebra. "But it take a while to heal, it probably wil not heal until the end of the story."
"Thats fine" said Dick and he grabed the potion and drank it and my leg started healing a little. "There jakkid are you feealing better?"
"A little bit," said me. "I will have to walk with a cane now though" so I grabbed one of Zecoras voodoo canes off the wall and used it to walk. "Anyway who bought the rocket launcher"
"Okay," said Zecora. "I will confess to the fuzz. The person who bought it was..."
we all wait dramatically in silence, but I was also shout in pain the whole time because my leg hurt a lot.
"The person who bought it was not Daniel Tosh, the person who bought it was Big Macitosh."
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" shouted me and Dick and Zecora. I was so shocked I did a backflip but my leg still hurt so I messed it up and went flying out the window so I had to walk aroun the hous and go back in through the front door. "How is that posible?!" said me.
"It is true" said Zecora and she give me the receipt for it.
Dick look at the receipt and said "Wow this is real deal steel wheel. But are we sure he is killer? How do we know?"
but I stand there not saying anything. I was so shcocked at all the reealizations and stuff going on my head that I didnt even say anything. "Holy SHIT!" I said. "It ALL MAKE SENSE NOW!"
"WHAT?" said Dick. "Jakkid did you solve the case!"
"YES!" said me. "Detecive jakkid166 has solved the case AGAIN! And here is what the fuck happeened! I had my suspicons from the very first moment we came out of the Cocaine Dogs hide out. The boss of the Cocaine Dogs said he is glas Celestia is dead, and also he is red and has a horn. This mean it must be a red unicorn, which wold have to be Big Macintosh!"
"That make sense!" said Dick.
"But not only that! Big Macintosh is souther, from Kentucky or some other state that makes fried chicken. This mean he is probably a christian, which explain why there was a bible at the scene of Brad Joke's death!"
"Wow jakkid you power of deduction is incredibible!" said Dick America the second greatest detective in the world.
"But that is not all..." said me and I pulld out the Sword of Demon Ass Kicking. "You see the name on this sword right?"
"Gilliam Bickers?" said Dick.
"Yes," said me. "Butif you unscramble the letters in Gilliam Bickers, what does it sayy?"
Dick America thinked about it for a second but then he come to Ultimate Realization. "No... way! it says BIG MAC IS KILLER!"
"YES!" said me and I kiss Dick America on the cheek (that is not weird because he is only adopted cousin.) "So here is what happend. Big Macintosh was actualy using his Apple farming busines as a cover for his secret business running the Diamond Dogs, which was ALSO a cover for him running his secret Cocaine Dogs operation! But Celstia recently raise taxes on cocaine by 0.000001 percent, which mus have angered Big Mac because he would be slightly less rich now! So he killed Celestia and tries to blame it on me!"
"Wow!" said Dick America. "We gotte go arrest Dick America once and for all!"
"Wait take this," said Zecora and she took onea her Voodoo Crosses off the wall. "Now go away I have to piss."
"Thanks" said Dick and we ran out of Zecora house, but dick was faster cause my leg was still broken so Dick made a wheelchair out of some spare water he found and pushed me into Ponyville town over to Everfree Acres. Or whatever Applejacks farm is called. Sugarcube Acres
~ MEANWHILE, IN THE BARN OF APPLEJACKS BARN ~
Big Macintosh was sitting at his own desk table inside the Barn of applejack. He was counting his big apple money and probably also cocaine money. "Yup," said Big Mac like he always says. Idiot
Just then Big Mac hear a knock on the door. But he can only say "Yup" or "Nope" so he didnt know how to answer so he didnt say anything. so i KICKED the door down and me and Dick got in the room and pointed our guns at big mac!
"Alright Macintosh you overprice computer!" said me. "You ar under arrest for the murder of Princess Celestia, becaus you are red and a unicorn!"
"AW HELL NOPE" said Big Macintosh and he JUMP out of his chair and used his unicorn magic to fire SPELLS at us!
"FUCK!" said me and I use my gun to shoot the magic out of the air and I dove behind a hay. "Dick America, this the final battel! We must arrest Big Macintosh and clear our names!"
"Right" said Dick and we both set our guns to Taser and we JUMPED out of the hay and FIRED taser bullets at Big Mac, but he said "nope" at the bullets and that made them not hit him.
"Damn," said Dick. "He is too good. What do we do?"
"We must try," said me. "Like I always say, it do not matter if you fail as long as you tried a little."
so I jumpe into Dick Americas hands and he FLIPPED me into the air and I did like 3 backflips in th air and fired my bullets at Big Mac. But Big Mac used a spell to make the bullets go somewhere else so they hit someone other than him.
"Goddammit!" I said "Stop using magic thats cheating!" but I was distarcted and I landed on my head and my head got stuck in th ground and I was temporarily inpacaciate. It was just Big Mac and Dick America. Big Mac charge up his horn and Dick charge up his gun, and they both FIRED at the same time and the ENTIRE BARN exploded.
everone was stunned. I got my head outta the ground and said "God dammit Big Mac you stupid hamburger! Arrest yourself NOW!"
"Nope," said Big Mac.
"Wait!" siad Dick. "Look, in the distance!"
it was hard to see through the fog but I cold tell who it was. Running up to the scene of the fight was TWILIGHT and her frends!
"What do we do nw?!" said Dick America.
"We know who killer is," said me. "We must simply prove it to them, by saying he is the killer."
so Twilight ran up and said "Fuck you jakkid166 you are not supposed to blow up Applejacks barn!"
"Who cares" said me. "That is not importat right now! The important thing is i have FOUND CELESTIAS TRUE KILLER!"
"What?" said Twilight. "But YOU are the true killer. I know that is true because Celestia said so"
"No," said me. "It is false, and I have proof that actually, BIG MACINTOSH is the true killer!"
"NOPE NOPE NOPE" said Big Mac because he was lying
"What the fuck in tarnation?" said Appeljack. "How could my dad be the killere?!"
"Simple elementary school," said me.
and i gave them all the explanation I did earlier. "And it all make sense," I said, "Because Big Mac is a christian." and I did my special detective bow that I only do when I solved the case. "You can all clap now"
so all the ponies clapped. but then Applejack said "But Detective jakkid166, my cousin Big Macintosh is actually a buddhist!"
"What" said me. "no... No, it canot be true!" I grabed my head with my hands. "NOOOOOO! MY THEORY! HOW COLD THIS BE?!"
"I knew it," said Twilight. "YOU ARE the true killor!" and she got out her magic handcuffs.
"NO!" said Dick. "Jakkid is right! I think! Maybe not right about Big Mac but he is right about him not being the killer and maybe some other things he said. The Cocaine Dogs thing is true, they realy do make cocaine."
"But we have no othere suspects," said me. "Who else cold possibly be the killer?!"
"It could be you," said Twilight.
"NO!" said me. "It is not, Twilight. I wil bet you 50 bucks I did not kill Celestia!"
but then we saw explosion sounds. "What is that sound" said me and I look in the distance. We all look and ponyville was smoking, and BOOM sounds were happening really bad!
"Shit, darling" said Rarity. "The hell is going on?"
"Wait!" said Rainbow Dash. "There is portals opening! And ther ar DEMONS coming out of them!"
"Demons?" said me. and I think back to what happened on the pirate ship... "Wait a minit... Oh NO!"
"What is it jakkkid" said Dick America.
"We was wrong... All along... Big Mac really was not the killer. It was instead, someone else who was red with horns... How did I wasn't thought've about it before?!"
"jakkid166!" said twilight. "Who is the true killer?!"
I was gonna say it but we heard anotha sound behind us. We turned around and we saw a GIGANTIC portal open and rose out of th ground was a big elevator, and the elevator doors opened and there was a guy standin there. The guy was red, and he had horns....
"You bastart," said me... "I should hav known you was behind this... SATAN!"
"HAHHAHAAAAAA!" SCREAMLAUGHED satan as he step out of the elevator to me. "Whats up Detective jakkid166? How shit is your day going? I hope its a lot"
"Fuck you," I said. "Did you kell Celestia you horny idiot?!"
"Sort of yeah"
"I KNEW IT!" I said at Twilight. "You owe me 50 bucks now!"
"Wait," said Twilight. "But how ded the security footage show jakkid killing Celestia?!"
"Adobe After Effects" said me.
"Wrong" said Satan. "I used my SATAN MIND CONTROL to control jakkid to make him kill Celestia! so it still technicaly counts as him killing her."
"HA!" said Twilight. "I was RIGHT!"
"God damn it fine" I said and I got my wallert and gave Twilight 50 bucks. "Anyway Satan go back to hell or else I will call Jesus on you."
"Jesus cant help you now," said Satan and he made a evil throne of fire and sit in it. "You see, I hav wanted to take over Equestria for so long, but i cold not because if I tried to then Detective jakkid166 wold probably solve the case and beat me. So instead, I made a plan wher i cold get Detective jakkid FRAMED for MURDER, and then he and everyone else is too busey trying to catch him, and meanwhyle i can build my army and INVADE EQUESTIRA! And you ar all TOO LATE NOW, because we have INVADED ARMY and you CANNOT BEAT US ALL! HAHAHAHAHAHA"
"I canot believe this..." said me. "It all make sense now... the bible Brad Joke used was to ward away demons, and then there was demon on Captain Assbeards ship! How ded I not see it?!" but I step forward. "I canot believe this... Satan, you have outsmart all of us! You idiot!"
"Dont call me names" said Satan. "Thats mean"
"No," said me "You are an idiot and a jerk."
"Yeah well you suck" said Satan.
"No fuck you"
"No you"
"Eat My ass."
"Go suck toes"
"Go eate shit!"
"Suck a dong"
"Go commit Fuck Off"
"Put you face in the toilet."
"Do your taxes"
"Swing your arm from side to side"
"Come on its time to go, do the mario"
"GUYS SHUT UP!" said twilight. "What ar we gonna do now?!"
"There is only one thing you can do, which is nothing" said Satan. "But anyway now you mus watch as Equestira is taken over by the forces of HELL!" and satan laughed (or maybe cried i couldent tell) and then disapeared.
"Shit" said Fluttershy. "The hell do we do now?!"
"This is bad," said Dick America. "But we is detective! We can solve a solutione."
but then something happen. I feel a bad feeling in my tummy, and I colapse on the ground, barley conshious... "EUUUGHEUH" I said.
"Shit!" said Twilight "What happen to jakkid!"
"Aw hell," said Dick. "This is bad. Jakkid is suffer from cocaine withdrawl. I never shoulda let him get addict... It is all my fault, not his"
"Its not the side effects of the cocaine" said me to Twilight. "Im thinkin that it must be love..."
"Wow he is very fucked up," said Twilight "We gotte get him somewhere safe quick, befor demons invade more!"
"Wait!" said Applejack. "Look, there is demons coming!"
"We gotta GO NOW!" said Dick America and they grabed me and ran. They ran to Applejacks house and into her baseament and shut the lock.
Applejack turn on the lights and said "Goddammit! I shit evrything! Everything is fuck! What we do?!"
"We are in bad place," said Twilight. "Never before has Equestria been so threat. We are very fucked I think. How can we beat demons?! And Satan is invincible, because he is satan! And now jakkid is drug overdosed and has a broke leg! What do we DO?!"
"Man this is bad" said Dick. "How ar we gonna have a happy ending NOW?!"
"This is the end for Equestira," said Pinkie Pie because she is a pessimist
"All hope is lots..." said Rarty.
"No..." said Twilight.
"What" said Dick.
"NO!" said Twilighte. "We CANOT give up! Remeber, we are PONIES except for jakkid and Dick America! We have solve all problems before, even when the show ended! We can fix THIS too!"
"But HOW?" said DIck.
"Look aroud for anything we can use!" said Twilight. "We ned to try all of everything we can!"
"Wait Twilight," said Applejack. "Here is this bible I have in my basemant that never got used because my brother Big Mac is buddhist."
"Perfect!" said Twilight "We wil read the bible for advice." so she turned the pages and everone crowd around her and read too.
"Wait," said Rainbo Wdash "Look at that verse! Jakkid 16:10: "If Satan invade your world like in Dark Souls 3, then you gotte gather the 3 ancient holy artefacts to beat him."
"The holy artefacts?!" said Twilight. "Fuck that shit! We dont have those!"
"Wait..." said Dick. "Read the more verse."
"Ok," said Rainbow. "The holy artifacts wil bestow godly power upon the person that wil make them invincible and able to beat demons like Satan and Matt Demon. They are the bible, a cross, and the Holy Sword of Demon Ass Kicking."
"Wait..." said Dick. "WE HAVE THOSE!"
"WE DO?!" said Fluttershy. "Fuk yeah!"
Dick grabed the artifacts out of mine pockets while I was tryin to sleep. "We hav the bible from Brad Jokes dead corpse, the sword from Captain Assbeard, and the cross from Zecora! We can BEAT SATAN!"
"But who will weld the artifacts?" said Twilight.
"It is a hard choice but it must be Detective jakkid. We must heal him or he will die of cocaine"
"Oh right."
so they put all the artifacts on me. "Ok," said Twilight, "Now everyone RECITE THE CHANT PRAYER THING"
and everyone shouted the chant prayer thing, which was "We bestow on you the ancent artifacts. With this power you wil be able to kick Satan's ass"
and there was a glow. the artifacts glowed and then i glowed and then the light bulb glowed (but that part was normal) and i ROSE into the air and EXPLODED into light and went down to the ground. my Suit was now white and I was holdin the sword of Demon Ass Kicking and also I wasnt dead or anything.
"Jakkid youre okay!" said Dick.
"Hell yea I am," said me. "It is time to KICK DEMON ASS!" and I made tiny little other swords for the otheres. "Go fight the demons of Ponyville, I wil get Satan!"
"RIGht" said them and they ran out of Applejack house. I ran after them into the streats of Ponyville to find Satan. I look around but then I look at Canterlot and saw that Satan was in the castle drinking lemonade!
"That pastard," said me. "I bet he drinks the lemonde you make from powder!" and I ran to the train staton to get a trian ticket to Canterlot. "One ticket to Canterlot please"
"Okay that is 150 dollars."
"But i have to go SAVE THE WORLD! AGAIN! and I spent all my moeney on the Valve Index VR headset"
"Too bad," said the pony.
"Shit," I said. "How wil I get to Canterlot?!"
but then I remembered. "HA! How silly of me! I am so dumb idiot fuck! Its time for my DETECTIVE CAR!" so I ran back to my house and jumepd in my car but it got swarm with demons. "Fuck!" said me "Get away from car!"
then a demon open the door and got in the passenger seet and said to me "Hello"
"Hi" said me. "What are you gonna do?"
"Im gonna kill you or something" said the demon.
"No" I said and I stab him with the demon sword and he got sent back to hell. "Exellent," I said. "I can kill the demons but its not realy like killing becaus they live in hell and im just sending them back home anyway." so I rev up my car and I drove my car REALLY fast and stuck the sword out the window and it chopped off a bunch of demon heads whil I drove onto the train tracks to canterlot.
I got to Canterlot Land and parked by the In N Out burger, but then I saw the castel was ALSO being invade with demons. thats bad.
~ MEANWHILE IN CANTERLOT CASTLE ~
"Fucketh you!" said Princess Luna who was tied up. "You wil not take over Equestira."
"Maybe not" said Satan, "but I WILL take over Ponyville."
"NOeth!" said Luna. "I shouldeth known Detective jakkid was innocent! I am a idiot for not believething him!"
"Well it is too late," said Satan. "MY demon forces will take over Equestrio and there is notheng anyone can do abot it."
"Not if I have anything to say about it," said me and I step into the room. "And i DO!"
"WHAT?" saidSatan. "Detecive jakkid166?! How ar you alive?!"
"Because you didnt kill me"
"Oh right."
"SATAN" I said and I poit my sword at him. "I chawenge you to a duel!"
"Wait" said Satan. "Is that the sord of Demon Ass Kicking?"
"Yeah and its gonna go IN your ass if you dont surender right now!"
"Shit" said Satan "Ok I give up" and he ran away.
"That was easy." said me and I went to Celestia and cut her ropes. "Are you ok Luna?"
"Yeseth," said Luna. "But that was actualy a sneak attacketh from Satan, I forgotst to tell you."
"What" I said and I noticed Satan stabed me in the back with his Demon pointy stick thing.
"Haha I got you now" said Satan.
"Haha you idiot," said me. "The holy artifacts make me invicible!"
"Yeah but my stick can kill invincible things"
"Aw shit." said me and I fell on the ground bleeding.
"Did you THINK you cold beat me?!" said Satan. "I am SATAN! I hav been in like 3 jakkid stories! I am the best VILLAIN IN THE UNIVERSE"
I cough blood and said "You ass nut fucker". "Who do yo think you are?!"
"Satan"
"That is correct, but also fuck you." and I stood up on my feet.
"Imposible!" said Satan. "How can you stand with such wound?! Is it the holy artifact power?"
"NO..." I said. "This is just power of Detective will... I hav worked so long to clear my name. Like 4 months. I will not go down without fight!" and I point my sword at him.
"Fine," said Satan and he point his satan stick at me. "En garde!"
"Luna you should get out because this is dangerous," I said and I grab luna and throwed her out the window. (I know its highup but its fine because she can fly remember)
anyway this was the final battle. I tok out my phone and bluetooth conected it to the castles speakers. "What kind of battle music should we use"
"Anything as long as it is not the Kanye West album called Jesus is King," said Satan.
so i put on the song "Memories Cant Wait" by Talking Heads. It started raining dramaticaly and Satan and me walked around each other, the two of us look for a time we could strike as hell. then Satan RAN to me and tried to stab me but I block it with my sword and said "Satan you wil not take over Equesta!"
"Oh yeah?" said Satan. "Who iz gonna stop me? You suck at being Detective"
"I do NOT!" said me and I kick him and broke the sword lock. "I am BEST detecive! I solve all the cases and solve all the bad guys!"
"Oh yeah?" said Saten. "What about in Princess Detecive jakkid166? You fuck up big there!"
"It is true," I said and I swung my sword at him but he dodged. "I was not best princess. But I learn from mistakes! You, Satan, keep trying to take over places and it never works because you are fuck! You wil always suck ass, you always lose just like in the bible. And in South Park"
Satan said "Yeah what about you cocaine addiction? You let you friends down! You do many bad things while doing cocaine! Are you realy good friend?!" and he threw his stick at me but I use myt sword like a baseball bat and hit it back at him and he caught it.
"Face it jakkid" said Satan. "You ar not the greatest detecive! You ar not even SECOND Greatest! Evan Dick America is beter than you!"
I stop to think. "What you mean?"
"Dick America help solve this case just as much as you but you give him no credits. He do all the work!"
"NO!" said me and I swunged my sword at him more. "It is not true! I am jakkid166! I win all the cases! You are wrong because you ar Satan and saying things to dismoral me."
Satan swong his sword at me but I dodged it and slashe him in the leg. "AGH!" said satan and he fall on the floor. "Detective jakkid you ass nugget! You deny what I say! Search you feeling, you know it is true!"
"Satan, no person is ever perfect," I say, "Not even Detective jakkid166. It is true, sometime I make mistake, even in the best stories. Bot even though I am not always best friend, or even best princess, one thing never change..."
"who give a SHIT" said Satan and jump up and CHARGE AT ME with the stick but i SMACKED it outta the way with my sword and STABBED Satan right in the Satan with my sword.
"i am the GREATEST DETECTIVE IN THE WORLD!"
and I PULLED the sword out and satan went all "AAAAAGH NOOO WEBHWENWHEBNWJFMNKCLWAJMNF903858934" and fell on the ground and died.
meanwhile in Ponyville, all the demons startde getting sucked back to hell where they cold not fight Ponyville anymore.
"woah..." said Fluttshy who just got done stabbing a demon. "He did it!"
"he did it!" said Dick America.
"Holy shit" said Twilight. "Detecive jakkid solved the case."
meanwhile i stood there while the power of the artefacts left me. I fell on th ground as the blood clushed out of me onto the ground and I thought to myself... "i did it. and now, i can rest. if theres any wey i should go death now, it is by protecting the kingdom that tryed to turn me into stone."
and i lost my conscious.
~ LATER TIME ~
"ugggh" I said. "Where am I"
"You are in heaven, Detective jakkid166 the greatest Detectiv ein the world."
I SAT UP and I look around. "WOAH Where am I?" I looked around and I saw I was in a place of big white clouds and chocolate fountains and roads made of golden silver. And in front of me was a man, he had whyte robes on and he looked kinda like god looks on that show called Family Guy, but also sound like Gordon Freeeman. "Is this heaven? Is that you, GOD?"
"Yes, jakkid, I am god," said God.
"So if I am in heaven..." said me. "Then that mus mean I am dead!"
"Exellent deduction Detective jakkid166," said God. "But not forever. I brought you here cause I want to thank you for kicking Satans ass and saving Equestira from certain Doom 3: Resurrection of Evil."
"It was no porblem," said me. "Detective job always involves fighting demons and Satan."
"For you selfless act," said God, "I am wiling to grant you one wish. It can be anything you want unles you want to bring back Satan to take over Equestria cause that wouldent make sense."
"Wow one wish?" I thought. "Wow, I can breng back Dick America! Then he can be alive and we can work togeether as Detective team!"
"I think he wold like that," said God. "But do you think tehere is someone else who need it more than him?"
i think about it. "Oh yeah good pointe."
"Equestira does need a ruler after all," said God.
"Alright," I said and I get up on mine feet. "GOD! I wish for you to BRING PRINCES CELESTIA BACK TO LIFE!"
"It is done," said God and he snap his fingers.
~ LATER TIME~ ~
"ugggh" I said. "Where am I"
"LOOK HE IS WAKING UP!" said Dick America. I open my eyes and I saw I was in the field grass of Ponyville and everyone was lookin at me. The gras was growing, the sky was blueing, and the sun wasnt falling onto the planet anymore.
"HAHA!" said me and I jump on my feet. "I am Detective jakkid166 and I am come back to LIFE NOW!"
"You ar not the only one," said Twilight and she point to Celestia who was there now. "She is a zombie now but she is still Celestia so its fine"
"Yes," said Zombie Celestia. "I want to thank you Detecive jakkid166 for solving the crime of Satan and saving Equestira from his demon army."
"It is no porlbem," said me. "I kill demons all the time in Doom and Terraria"
"I dont think you are good!" said a voice though. Everyone turn around and standing there was Satan, but he was a ghost now cause he died.
"You idoits" said Satan Ghost. "This not the end! I will return when I am not dead anymore!" but then his phone rung. "One second I have a call" he said and he open his iPhone 7. (hell does not have budget for new iphones.) "What do you want who is this?"
"Satan you idiot stop bothering the ponies and go back to hell" said Jesus.
"Fine" said Satan. "Do you wan t me to pick up some beer on the way back for when we watch the Breaking Bad movie"
"Yeah that sounds good" said Jesus, and then Satan hanged up and disappeared away.
"Well," said Princess Luna, "What doth we do now?"
"Are you fucking me" said Pinkie Pie "It is obviously time to PARTY!"
~ LATER TIME AGAIN ~
I was on the stage of the Detective Award cemerony and Zombie Princess Celestia was there ready to gives me my award for solving the bigest case of my whole career. "Now," said Celstia, "I am please to pronounce Detective jakkid166 wth the official Equestria Greatest Detective in the World award!" and the whole crowd clap like hell and I wipe tear from my eye.
"You go Detective jakkid," said Twilight. "We all poop for you!"
but something wasnt right. Among the crowd I sae everything and I saw Dick America siting with them, clappig too. Then I thought abot something.
"WAIT!" I said befor Celestia could put the medal on me.
"What is wrong jakkid?!" said Celestia.
"I do not need this award!" I say. "I already hav a Greatest Detective in the World award from Sonic World. But I think ther is someone else who deserves it too."
"Who is that?" said Zombie Celestia. "I want to eat brains"
"Dick America!" I said. "Come up here and get you award!"
Dick Americo was shock. He got up from his seat and went to me and said "Thank you adopted cousin jakkid166."
Celestia said to us "Ok then, I hereby pronouce Dick America the OTHER greatest detective in the world!" and she put the medal on him and everyone cheer.
"And now it is time to DANCE!" said me and I put on the jukebox played the song Uncontrolable Urge by DEVO.
"YEEEEAH GOOD MUSIC" shoute everyone and they dance on the dance floor while the guy in the song went "YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEAH"
we danced into the night...
~ THE NEXT DAY ~
I was in Twilights house eatin Oatmeal or something but Twilight cold tell something was wrong because I was eating oatmeal.
"What is wrong jakkid?" said Twilight. "Why ar you eating gross food?"
"Because," said me. "I hav been thinking. Twilight, do you think I am the Greatest Detective in the World?"
"Yea of course jakkid," said Twilight. "That is your title."
"Only part of it" said me. "My full name is actualy Mr. Mrs. Doctor Professor Archeologist Sir Lawyer King Prince Lord Senator President Earl Chief Judge Bishop Detective jakkid166 PHd DDS."
"Wow you are a king jakkid?"
"I have been many places Twilight"
"But I dont understand what you say," said Twilight. "What is wrong?"
"When I fighted Satan, he said things to me," said me. "And I am thinking maybe he was right abot some things. He may hav been a stupid idiot jerk fucker, but he is not stupid. He says true things sometimes"
"Then what ar you gonna do jakkid?" said Twilight Sparkle.
I got up from my chair and I tok out my Detecive badge. I look at how the metal badge shine in the light... and the song "Rock and Roll suicide" by David Bowie started playing. Then I throw the badge ont he table.
"Dective jakkid!" said Twilight. "What are you doing?!"
"Twilight," I say, "I am leaving."
"WHAT?" said Twilight. "But why?!"
"I must go soul searching jounrey to find my true self," said me.
"But wil you be back?"
"Maybe"
"When?"
"I dunno"
"but JAKKID!" said Twilight and she grab me. "You canot leave! Who will be Detective?!"
"Dick America of coruse," said me. "He will watch the town while I am gone."
"But ar you sure jakkid?!" said Twilight as she cry out her nose.
"Yes," I say. "I am sory, but I must take a break. I am tired and I mus find out my true self."
"oh okay" said Twilight.
I got up and kick the door open. I walkd out into the light of Ponyville. I pass by the ponies as they look at me like im weird. But im not weird, theyre weird. I walke out toward the edge of Ponyville when Twilight got to her door and said "WAIT!"
I turned aroun. And she said "Goodbye, Detective jakkid166."
And I turn to face, not Twilight, but YOU, the person readin this.
"Goodbye."
and i walk away until i disapear over the horizon.
