Candy Mane's Nearly-Romantic Hearts and Hooves Day Dramedy
Candy Mane sat Lyra-style on a park bench, flipping through the morning's Foal Free Press. For the moment, she was oblivious to the other mare standing directly in front of her. This was because Candy liked to peruse the paper with her muzzle buried deep in the newsprint. Having the words so close to her eyes made it harder to read them, but blocking off her outside vision with the pages as blinders helped her to concentrate.
This might have seemed clever, except the real reason she did it was so the words could "get into her eyeballs faster".
"There you are! Candy Mane, we need to talk," came a familiar voice from the other side of the paper.
"Oh my gosh! A talking newspaper!" said Candy Mane, holding the paper a little bit further away from her face. "And you sound just like my friend Carrot Top!"
Carrot Top pulled the newspaper aside with a hoof. "No, Candy, it's just me." Carrot wore an exasperated look on her face that made her look ten years older. This was an expression Candy was so familiar with that she simply assumed Carrot liked to lie about her age.
"Hi Carrot Top. You're not a newspaper," said Candy Mane, briefly eyeing the other pony up and down. "That's kind of inconsiderate, but I'll let it slide because you're my friend."
"Inconsiderate? Candy, this is my newspaper! I assume you took it off my doorstep this morning because nopony else in Ponyville would do something like that," she said, rapidly tapping a front hoof against the sidewalk.
"Hold on. You're just assuming I did that thing that I did ten minutes ago," said Candy Mane, rubbing her chin with one hoof in an unsuccessful attempt to simulate deep thought. "And you know what they say about ponies who assume: they stitch us both together into a single pony, and that's how donkeys are made."
Carrot visibly shuddered. "Sweet Celestia, what a horrifying thought. Candy, the expression is 'when you assume you make an ass out of you and me'. It's a play on words, but you shouldn't say it out loud anyway, because it's speciest," she explained, in a hushed tone. Then she sat down on the bench next to her friend. "What are you doing with my newspaper, anyway? You're supposed to be Lucky Clover's problem this week. Didn't he board you last night? He subscribes to the FFP too, you know."
"Yes, but I don't like his Foal Free Press. Your paper has the aurascopes and the funnies. I don't really get the funnies, but they always make me laugh."
"Oh for crying out loud—every paper has those, Candy! It's a newspaper, they're all the same on the same day!" said Carrot, her muzzle scrunched up in frustration.
"Then... why don't you just take that one?" asked Candy Mane, pointing at a clean, discarded paper sitting on the ground right beside the bench.
"Oh. I guess that would make more sense than getting crazy upset about a paper. Touché," said Carrot. "That means you made a good counterpoint."
"Gesundheit," said Candy. "That means you sneezed."
Carrot Top's neck and shoulders slumped as she relaxed further onto the bench. "I don't know why I lose my temper so easily, Candy. It's not your fault you're... the way you are," she said. "Ugh, that sounded awful too. I'm sorry."
"It's okay, I know I'm not clever," said Candy Mane. "I don't like to incite."
For a moment, Carrot Top sat quietly in thought. "Did you mean to say you don't lack insight?"
"Probably," replied Candy, shrugging. "Anyway, I'm sorry too. It was wrong for me to keep your morning newspaper habit in abeyance. I forgot you like to read the paper you subscribe to."
"Well, that's very nice..." said Carrot Top, then her brow furrowed. "Abeyance? I've never heard that before. Is that a real word?"
"Of course! It means 'temporarily suspended'. I read it somewhere. I can read, remember?" said Candy Mane. Then she flipped Carrot's newspaper the right way up. "Oh, wow! It reads much easier this way. Huh, I guess all these symbols around the edges of the paper are hearts rather than spades."
"Heart symbols in the paper?" said Carrot Top, looking down at her own copy. "Oh, horse apples! I totally forgot it was Hearts and Hooves Day! I need to get Written Script a card or something. He always goes overboard for this stupid holiday." She planted a hoof over her face.
"I don't like Hearts and Hooves Day either," said Candy Mane. "Hooves are okay, but I don't believe in hearts. I'm sure they're a conspiracy! Think about it: have you ever seen a real heart?"
"Admittedly no, but I'm not a surgeon," said Carrot Top. "What do you think the thing that goes 'bump-bump' inside your chest is?"
"Oh, that's my inside squirrel. She thumps a lot because she's always working out. I think she does a lot of cardio," said Candy. "Or maybe it's a he? I'm not sure how I'd know. Carrot, should I feel guilty about misgendering my inside squirrel?"
Carrot Top blinked a few times, then quickly shook her head back and forth as though trying to remove an unexpected spiderweb from her face. "Oooookay. Look, I need to go to the market, but you should probably head back to Lucky Clover's place and stay indoors today. Hearts and Hooves Day definitely means Strawberry Sunrise is out looking for you, and I don't like it when she harasses you. She gives me the creeps."
"That's weird. She usually gives me the flowers. She probably thinks I don't get enough to eat," said Candy Mane.
"The Mayor won't let her board you for good reason, Candy. Stay clear of her, okay?" A worried look crossed her muzzle for a moment. Then Carrot Top tucked the spare paper under one foreleg and trotted off.
Candy Mane had already read the funnies, which it turned out were even funnier upside-down. So she lifted the paper back to her face and flipped through it until she found the aurascopes.
"Whatcha doin'?" came a different, sing-songy voice.
"Wait a minute... Carrot Top's newspaper should have Carrot Top's voice," said Candy. She lowered the paper to see a young mare with a strawberry-colored mane sitting on the bench beside her, imitating her awkward lean-back. She was wearing a lot of makeup, which was odd for a pony out in public. She also had a twig sticking out of her mane, and held a large strawberry in one hoof.
"It's me, you silly filly!" A bright smile graced Strawberry's muzzle.
"Oh, hello Strawberry Sunrise. There's a tiny branch in your mane," said Candy, pointing at it.
"Uh, thanks," said Strawberry, blushing and pulling out the twig as she smoothed through her mane with a hoof. "I was hiding in the bushes back there for a good couple of minutes. I don't think your friend Golden Harvest likes me."
"Maybe it's because you have the same manestyle? But you're probably right. When she likes you, she lets you call her Carrot Top," said Candy. "Also, Derpy calls her that too."
"We have the same manestyle? Why, I never noticed! It's not like I intentionally style my mane to match something you're already familiar with," said Strawberry, looking nervously left and right for a moment. Then she sidled up to Candy Mane on the bench. "Ooh! Are you reading your aurascope? I love aurascopes! And Hearts and Hooves Day aurascopes are bound to be romantic," she added with a wink.
"Yes! I'm about to read mine. Do you want to help me pick one?" asked Candy.
"What do you mean, pick one? What's your aura?"
"My aura? What's that?" asked Candy, cocking her head to the side.
Strawberry giggled. "Oh, Candy. Aurascopes are based on your aura color, silly! If you're a unicorn, it's the color of your magic. If you're not a unicorn, you have to get your aura read by a unicorn who knows how to do it," she said. "My aura color is closest to lime green, so I'm a Cancer."
"Oh, I already knew that. Carrot Top told me you were a cancer."
Strawberry's face fell flat. "Ah. Of course she did."
"Anyway, I didn't even know I had an aura color. I just pick a different aurascope every day and read it. I think it works just the same! I pointed that out to Rarity once, and she wasn't very happy about it. But you know how ponies are, always getting irritated for no reason," said Candy Mane. "Let's see, I guess I'll read Aquarius today. 'Your plans for romance will get sidetracked by life.' Aww, dang."
"No, wait! I bet you're... a Scorpio," said Strawberry, pointing at the paper. "See? 'A new kind of love awaits you this day.' Doesn't that sound much better?" Strawberry Sunrise leaned in toward Candy and batted her eyes.
"You can't read two for me! That's cheating," said Candy Mane. "Oh, here's the Cancer one. 'Don't get involved in new romantic entanglements. You're better off staying indoors today.' That's too bad. You should probably go home, Strawberry."
In a flourish, Strawberry grabbed the paper out of Candy's hooves and tossed it on the ground. "You know what? Aurascopes are stupid and I hate them," she said. "Let's focus on us."
"Oh. Do you want to spend time with me again, then get really upset when somepony else drags me off? That's what your weird face usually means," said Candy Mane. "Although Carrot Top thinks I shouldn't spend time with you at all, because you keep giving her vines. It might be a contributing factor to her inside squirrel problems."
Strawberry Sunrise stared directly into Candy's eyes for a few awkward seconds. "I have absolutely no idea what any of that means, and I am so turned on right now."
"Um, good for you?" said Candy, raising a brow.
"Candy Mane, you do know I like you, right?" Strawberry awkwardly placed her foreleg around Candy's shoulders. "Huh. This is a really weird way to sit on a bench."
"Sure, I can tell you like me. You keep trying to feed me," said Candy. "Mostly chocolate and flowers, which is a weird diet. I think I need hay to stay regular."
"I mean I like you like you, you know?" Strawberry leaned in with her eyebrows raised, wearing a sheepish grin.
"You like me like I like me?" asked Candy. "That's not very nice. I have low self-esteem."
Strawberry rolled her eyes. "Let's try this again. Candy Mane. I. Want. To. Be. Your. Marefriend," she said slowly and clearly, punctuating each word in a crisp staccato.
Candy looked confused for a moment. "Oh! That was a sentence," she said, then laughed out loud. "You're so funny, Strawberry! I can't have a marefriend. I'm already a mare."
"No! But you can! It's a thing that really happens," said Strawberry, nodding her head vigorously as she pulled Candy in closer. "Wait... you're not seeing anypony else right now, are you?"
"I'm only seeing you right now, because you're hugging me awkwardly close to your face," said Candy Mane, with her ears folded back against her head.
"Right. That was a dumb question," said Strawberry. "Well, mares can have marefriends, Candy. I've tried explaining this to you several times. You know, like Lyra and Bonbon?"
"Oh, right, I get it!" said Candy, smiling. "No, wait. You had me and then you lost me."
Strawberry Sunrise pursed her lips in thought, then turned her head to the side and her eyes widened. "Oh crud. Of all the luck—Applejack's coming this way. I'd better make myself scarce," she grumbled. Then she looked back into Candy Mane's eyes. "I'll see you later today, okay? But in the meantime, here's something sweet to remember me by." She opened Candy Mane's jaw and slowly pushed the strawberry into her mouth with a hoof.
"Yw knw tht ahw ewt evrew daw, rwt?" asked Candy Mane, messily chewing the fruit. Then she swallowed and smacked her lips. "Mmm. Strawberries are delicious!"
"Oh yes. Yes, we most definitely are," said Strawberry with a mischievous grin.
"But you probably shouldn't see me later today at all. I'm serious, Carrot Top doesn't want me to spend time with you. I don't know why, but I don't want to upset her," said Candy.
"That lousy tramp! Your love life is none of her—" said Strawberry, then she bit her tongue and closed her eyes. "Okay. Candy, don't you worry. I'll find a way. I will find a way." Then she stood up and galloped away from the bench at full tilt.
Candy Mane also stood up, strawberry juice dripping from her chin groove. Moments later, Applejack arrived.
"Why howdy there, Candy Mane," said Applejack. She pulled a kerchief out of her saddlebags and used it to clean the strawberry juice from Candy's messy muzzle. "Hmph. I'll bet the farm I know who just wandered by. I hate to sound less than neighborly, but I am not a fan of that Strawberry mare."
"Right. Because she hates apples," said Candy Mane.
Applejack froze in place for a moment. "Okay, yes, that is in fact the reason," she admitted. "But I don't like the idea of her takin' advantage of you, neither. It's like, goin' after a foal, or somethin'."
"I am not a foal," said Candy Mane, with a stomp of her hoof. "I'm twenty-six years old. No, wait, twenty-seven. Okay, I can't remember for sure, but I have it written down on Carrot Top's coffee table. Why does everypony think I can't take care of myself?"
"I'm sorry, darlin', I didn't mean nothin' by it. But... you're a touch, well, vulnerable, ain'tcha? I mean, you don't live on your own, and you gotta rely on your friends for a lot of day-to-day stuff," said Applejack, with a slight grimace.
"You mean I'm unclever," said Candy Mane, frowning darkly.
"Naw, sugarlump. I just mean... you need to lean on other ponies for support more'n some of us. Ain't nothin' wrong with that. After all, friends are what makes life worth livin'," said Applejack. "Look, just promise me you'll come get me, or Twilight, or somepony else trustworthy if she's ever really botherin' you. Can you do that for me?"
"It's okay, Applejack! Really! Strawberry Sunrise doesn't bother me. She's just weird and keeps putting unexpected things in my mouth," said Candy Mane, as Applejack winced. "But don't worry, I'll tell somepony if I have a problem. I'm like, really, really good at that."
"Well... okay then. You have a wonderful day, Candy," said Applejack. She tipped her hat and trotted off, mumbling something under her breath that sounded like 'bless her heart'.
Candy Mane's eyes narrowed to slits. "The conspiracy runs deep," she whispered to herself. Then she smiled merrily and trotted off in a random direction.
Ten minutes later, Candy was lost. She continued being lost for the next few hours. She was still in Ponyville, but at some point she'd ended up in an alleyway between two rows of houses and couldn't decide which way to go. She kept turning around and around again, trying in vain to think up a logical way to make an arbitrary fifty-fifty decision.
"Psst!" she finally heard from behind her. Turning around one more time, she saw a new sign posted at one end of the alley.
"What luck, a sign! Words are always true, so maybe it'll help me decide which end of the alley to head toward," she said, heading toward the end of the alley that had the sign.
When she arrived, she noticed it was a curious-looking sign, crudely made out of cardboard and with the ink still wet. It read:
Candy Mane Walk This Way —>
"Gosh. What a rude sign! Well, maybe I will walk that way, but it's not because you told me to," she announced to the sign, then proceeded to follow the order. Once she'd taken a few steps, she whispered to herself, "Okay, maybe that is why I'm going this way. But I'm not going to give that demanding piece of cardboard the satisfaction of knowing it!"
Candy Mane turned her head and noticed she'd wandered right in front of Strawberry Sunrise's house. "Wow! What a coincidence," she said. Strawberry was standing in her lawn. It looked like she was waiting patiently for something.
When Candy waved to her, Strawberry gasped. "Candy Mane? What a pleasant surprise! I'm so glad you're here. I need you to come inside my house right away," she said, motioning fluidly with a hoof. She was wearing a type of clothing Candy had never seen before. It looked like a very thin, see-through robe made of crimson-colored stretch nylon and lace.
"Strawberry, that doesn't look like a very warm bathrobe," said Candy Mane.
"Oh, it's fine. I'm plenty hot at the moment," said Strawberry, winking. "Now c'mon in."
Candy paused in thought. "Wait. This time I know for sure Carrot Top would be angry with me," she said, grimacing. "I mean, it's really none of her business who I spend time with, but I don't want to deal with how loud she gets. I'm sorry, Strawberry." Candy began to turn around.
"No, wait! You have to come in because... because there's a monster about to attack Ponyville and the only safe place is in my bedroom!" said Candy, holding her forehooves up to her cheeks in mock surprise. "Oh no! Hurry!"
"Oh! Well, that's different!" said Candy, but then she turned around anyway, and stood up on her hind legs.
"Huh? Oh no," murmured Strawberry Sunrise. "Please no. She wouldn't..."
Candy Mane took in an extremely deep gasp of air.
Strawberry clenched her eyes shut. "She would."
"HEY EVERYPONY! A MONSTER IS ABOUT TO ATTACK PONYVILLE AND THE ONLY SAFE PLACE IS IN STRAWBERRY'S BEDROOM!" screamed Candy Mane at the top of her lungs, drawing the full attention of dozens of ponies.
At this point, it's probably worth mentioning that everypony who had lived in Ponyville for longer than a week knew exactly who Candy Mane was, and exactly what she was (and was not) capable of doing. One thing she was definitely not capable of doing was being a reliable early warning system for monster attacks. Nonetheless, Candy possessed a remarkable gift. Maybe it had something to do with her perfect posture, or maybe it was just her happy-go-lucky attitude, but Candy always seemed to know exactly what she was doing—even though this was almost never the case. Ponies just couldn't help but trust her.
Besides which, Ponyville was, in fact, well overdue for a monster attack.
Ponies quickly congealed into a stampeding herd, galloping in from all directions toward the open front door of Strawberry's house. "Wait, no!" shouted Strawberry Sunrise, racing inside her home as pony after pony pushed past her and crammed into her bedroom. In the process, she ended up wedged in the bedroom doorway alongside three other ponies, with more behind her beginning to crush her.
"IT WAS A JOKE!" shouted Strawberry, and the pressure abated, allowing her to free herself from the doorway. Mares and stallions alike grumbled as they all began filtering out of her house. Muddy hoofprints covered much of her carpet.
"That wasn't funny," said Derpy Hooves, staring right at Strawberry with her good eye.
"What are you talking about? That was hilarious!" giggled Candy. "What a great joke, Strawberry. I liked the part where you were stuck in the door!"
Derpy looked over at Candy Mane and then back to Strawberry Sunrise. "Oh, now I get it," said Derpy, shaking her head dismissively. She grabbed Candy Mane with a wing and began to lead her out of the house. "Let's go, Candy. I know somewhere else you need to be."
"Great! I'm glad you get the joke Derpy," said Candy Mane.
"Wait, you don't have to leave—" called Strawberry, but then out of the corner of her eye she noticed somepony still in her bedroom. A handsome young stallion was lying in her bed under the covers.
"Noteworthy! What are you doing here?" she demanded, stomping back into her bedroom. "I said it was just a joke. Now it's time to leave."
"I'm sorry, Strawberry. It's just so comfortable under here! And you know, um, it is Hearts and Hooves Day..." He grinned and blushed, ears pinned back.
Strawberry Sunrise snorted. "Okay, fine. I'll give you one chance. What's twelve plus eight?"
Noteworthy's brow knitted in confusion. "What? It's twenty, of course."
Her eyes narrowed sharply. "Get the buck out of my house."
In the meantime, Derpy Hooves was walking Candy Mane away from Strawberry's home. "Are you sure she doesn't bother you?" asked Derpy, pausing on the sidewalk.
"Sure! Why does everypony ask me that?" said Candy, frowning. "Do you think I'm too stupid to take care of myself?"
Derpy quickly opened her mouth, then just as quickly closed it. A few moments later, she opened it again. "Candy, if you really like doing stuff with Strawberry, I guess... maybe it's wrong for us to get in the way of that? You know, sometimes ponies think I can't make decisions just because I make a lot of mistakes. I don't like that either."
Candy Mane pulled a piece of candy out of her tightly-curled pink mane and hoofed it to Derpy. "That makes no sense. Why would they do that? You're like, a genius!" she said, whipping one hoof around in a circle in a gesture Derpy didn't recognize.
Derpy blushed. "I don't think anypony's ever said that to me before," she admitted, and put the candy in her saddlebags. "Hay, wait a minute. Why aren't you at work at the Hayburger?"
"Oh, that's right! I have a job now," said Candy, smacking a hoof to her forehead. "I guess I got distracted by a lot of things in a row. I'd better hurry, I think I'm late!"
As Candy galloped off, Derpy flew after her, picked her up off the ground, rotated her in the correct direction of the Hayburger as she continued to gallop in midair, then released her.
Candy landed and zoomed off into the distance. "Thanks for your help Derpy!" she shouted.
"Okay! Please stop breaking into my house!" Derpy called back.
A few minutes later she arrived at her destination.
"Candy Mane, finally!" said Pinkie Pie, ushering Candy in through the employee's door. "Where were you? It's halfway through your shift!"
"I'm so sorry!" said Candy. "I lost track of time. And space, now that I think about it. You're not going to fire me, are you?"
"What? No, of course not. We know you can't always help being on time, silly," said Pinkie, making a limp-hoofed gesture. "But it's good you're here! We really need you today because it's Hearts and Hooves Day, and the Hayburger is a hot dating spot if you're not the romantic sort."
Candy Mane put on her outfit. "Huh. You know, I guess that means there's two kinds of ponies," she said. "Like, Strawberry Sunrise is the romantic sort, and Carrot Top isn't. Oh, and then there's a third kind of pony, which is everypony who isn't Strawberry Sunrise or Carrot Top."
"Wow! That's, uh, really fascinating," said Pinkie, pushing Candy out into the restaurant. "Okay! Take some orders!"
As Candy Mane wandered out between the tables, she noticed a single pony sitting all by herself with the menu hiding her face.
"Single orders are a lot easier to not mess up," said Candy, and she trotted right up to the table. "Hello there! Do you know what you want to order?" Candy Mane pulled out the order paper and took her pencil in mouth.
The menu dropped. It was Strawberry Sunrise! "I'd like to order... off the menu," she said, waggling her eyebrows.
Candy Mane blinked a few times. "Huh? Oh. Wait... Huh? Hmm. Um, I think I need to ask the manager about that."
Strawberry reached out and took Candy's hoof in hers, which made the pad of paper she'd been holding clatter to the table. "My dear, sweet Candy, that vacant stare is the most beautiful thing in all of Equestria."
Candy blushed and ducked her head. "Aww. You're so nice to me! You know, if you were a stallion I'd probably have to ask you to date me or something," she said. "Although, I've never been on a date, so I really don't know how it works. It's just something you're supposed to do, right? I don't know how two ponies could fit on a date, though, since they're so small—"
"Candy. Two mares can have a lot of fun together as special someponies. Really! Even more fun than just being friends!" insisted Strawberry.
"Really? What kind of fun?"
"Well, you know, like... kissing, and hugging, and... the other stuff," she said. "You know what I mean, right?"
"Of course! Wait. Nope," she said.
"That is... every bit as extremely hot as it is totally frustrating," said Strawberry Sunrise, with a deep sigh. "Look, we're in public, I can't exactly show... Crap. You know... you know what, this is never going to work. Just, nevermind." Strawberry stood up and began to walk away, head bowed low.
"Gee, I hope she's okay," said Candy Mane, and she turned around.
"Oh, buck it. I don't even care," Candy heard from behind her, followed by galloping hoofsteps. Strawberry Sunrise leaped right over Candy Mane and wheeled about to face her, then fell back onto the floor, face-up.
"Oh! Hello there Strawberry. I think you were here just a second ago," said Candy.
"Candy, I need you to sit on my face," said Strawberry, a very serious look on her muzzle.
"What? Why?"
"There's no time to explain! Do it now! I need a pony to sit on my face right now!" she insisted.
Candy paused in thought. "Well, the customer is always right," she decided, then turned around.
"Yes, yes, YES!" said Strawberry Sunrise, shaking with anticipation. "I can finally show you what real pleasure—"
Then, quite suddenly and forcefully, Pinkie Pie shoved Candy out of the way.
"Me first me first me first!" squealed Pinkie Pie, her much larger and significantly more massive pink derriere suddenly eclipsing Strawberry's field of vision.
"This... this is my life," whimpered Strawberry Sunrise, as Pinkie Pie's enormous pink ass came crashing down right onto her face.
Squirming wildly and unable to see or breathe, Strawberry heard something muffled through a thick layer of adipose tissue. ("Pinkie, get off of her!") She then felt her head being lifted up into the air. Strawberry pressed her hooves against Pinkie's rump with all her might until she extricated herself with a loud, unfortunately-wet-sounding 'pop'.
Twilight Sparkle stood above her. She was frowning sternly at Pinkie Pie. "This is the third time this week I've had to tell you this, Pinkie. You can't do that in public!"
"Aww. But she needed me to!" said Pinkie, pointing down at Strawberry Sunrise.
"Actually... I... need... to... wash... my... muzzle," coughed Strawberry between deep gasps.
"Do not encourage her," Twilight said to Strawberry, scowling down at the prone mare. "I think I need to speak with Mayor Mare. Encouraging Pinkie Pie needs to be a criminal offense."
Strawberry staggered to her feet and looked around. All eyes in the restaurant were fixed on her, including Candy's. Her ears and tail drooped downward, and she raced out of the building in shame.
Sitting atop a small bridge with a pile of gravel beside her, Strawberry Sunrise watched the setting Sun as she threw another pebble into the water.
"Hay," sounded a familiar voice. "Are you okay?"
Without looking, Strawberry could tell Candy Mane was sitting down beside her. She shrugged but said nothing.
"It's still Hearts and Hooves Day. Don't you want to trick me into doing whatever it is you keep trying to trick me into doing?" asked Candy.
"Hearts and Hooves Day is over," mumbled Strawberry, pointing up without looking away from the river. "See, there's the Moon, light is fading over the horizon, the day is finished."
"Oh, I guess you're right. But that's okay! You try to trick me on other days, too," said Candy.
"I'm not trying to 'trick' you!" said Strawberry, finally looking in Candy's direction. Even though Candy Mane was not particularly clever, she could tell that her strange friend had been crying for quite a while. Her eyes were puffy and red, and mascara tracks ran down her cheeks. "I don't want to confuse you into loving me, Candy Mane. I just, I just want..." She tossed another pebble as hard as she could into the water, then held both hooves over her face.
Candy placed a leg around Strawberry's neck. "I'm sorry," she said. "I'm just... well... I'm kinda unclever, and I don't understand things. So I know this is probably my fault."
"It's not your fault," said Strawberry, sniffling. "Ugh, I hate my therapist so much! She keeps telling me there's no such thing as 'morosexual'."
"I don't like my therapist either," said Candy. "She keeps telling me she's not my therapist. And the sessions only last maybe a minute, at most. But I'd still recommend her, because she gives me therapy for free."
"You beautiful idiot," mumbled Strawberry. "Um... sorry, I didn't mean to call you an idiot."
"It's fine. I've been called a lot worse, and I can tell it's sort of like a complement when you say it? It's not easy all the time, though. And... I guess, maybe I am pretty dumb. It's a crazy dream, but sometimes I wish I were smart like you, or Carrot, or Twilight, or Derpy..." said Candy, her voice trailing off quietly.
"No, Candy. Don't ever wish that. You're perfect exactly the way you are," said Strawberry, wiping her eyes with a fetlock.
Candy's brow furrowed in thought. "Is that because it 'turns you on', whatever that means?"
Strawberry shook her head. "No! Well... okay, yes, in part. But I don't mean it just for me. You're perfect in general, not just in my screwed-up head," she explained, motioning towards Candy's face. "I mean, you're super pretty, and you're hilarious to be around, and you're friendly, and interesting, and you're always so happy despite all the horrible crap that life throws at you. I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat, except I wouldn't dream of cursing you with being me."
"You're not a curse. You're pretty and funny too," said Candy. "A little prettier when you leave off the makeup, though."
Strawberry chuckled. "I probably look like a mess," she said, looking at the black marks on her hooves.
"Yes," said Candy. "You look exactly like you fell in garbage, with your face."
"Candy Mane, how do you do it?" asked Strawberry, looking into her bright eyes with her bleary ones. "I mean, you always seem like you know exactly what's up, and you've somehow managed to stay alive and healthy after all these years away from your terrible family. You're simply amazing."
"Really? It's honestly not that hard. I don't 'do' hard so well."
Strawberry pinched her lips tightly together. "How did you know to find me here?"
"Oh, I just had a feeling, deep in my squirrel of squirrels," said Candy Mane.
Leaning her back flat against the bridge, Strawberry stared up at Luna's Stars. "I guess that makes, uh... sense. But it's like this for you every day, isn't it? I mean, you just seem to walk in random directions most of the time. How do you ever get to where you're going?"
"Oh, that's easy," said Candy, with a smile, leaning over Strawberry so she could see her face. "I just make the place I end up, the place I wanted to be all along."
There was an extended moment of silence punctuated only by crickets, and the sound of a couple pieces of candy ricocheting off of Strawberry's forehead as they fell out of Candy's mane.
"That... that's absolutely brilliant," said Strawberry Sunrise. "That might be the wisest thing I've ever heard in my life."
"Oh no, I'm sorry!" said Candy, pouting as she replaced the confections back in her mane. "You don't like that, do you?"
Strawberry raised her eyebrows and sat up. "Well... no, I actually do," she said. "Weird."
"Well, don't worry. I'm still really unclever, I promise," said Candy. "Carrot Top says if I look up 'unclever' in the dictionary, I'd see my face! Then later she says she's sorry she said that."
"Um... She's kidding, Candy. Haven't you ever looked up 'unclever' in the dictionary to find out?"
"I tried once, but I abruptly got bored," she said.
"Abruptly?"
"Yes, exactly. I read everything up to the word 'abruptly', and then I was really bored of reading all those definitions. I'm abhorred to say it, but I don't think I'll ever make it to 'unclever'."
Strawberry Sunrise chuckled. "Oh, Candy Mane. You're almost enough to cheer me up."
"I'm glad to hear that, but 'almost' still isn't good enough. Wait, I think I have an idea," said Candy Mane. She reached a hoof into her curl and pulled out a piece of gum, then shoved it right into Strawberry's mouth without asking.
Strawberry coughed and sputtered, then began to chew on the gum. Alas, it was apple-flavored, but it still tasted sweet. "What... what was that for?"
"It's something sweet to remember me by! Remember? You did that this morning," she explained.
It was Strawberry's turn to blush. "Whoa. It's kind of uncomfortable being on the receiving end of that," she realized aloud. "You know, you're a really good friend, Candy Mane. I think... I think I just like being near you."
Candy's eyes widened. "Hay, I just thought of something!" she said. "No, really, I did! Maybe if you spent more time with me as a friend, being a little less weird I mean, someday the stuff you try to explain to me might make some sense? No promises, though. I'm not exactly the sharpest bulb in the deck."
Strawberry Sunrise slowly nodded her head. "Yeah. That's a really good idea. I'd like that," she said. "But... your other friends will still get in the way. They don't trust me, and I honestly can't blame them for that after the way I've acted around you."
"Well, then I'll tell them to back off. I'm an adult, you know? I'm at least twenty-six years old," she pointed out. "Anyway, you could really use an ablution, Strawberry, and I hate to leave you like this, but I need to get back to Lucky Clover's place before he sends out a search party like he did yesterday. Oh! But before I go, there's still one little thing I wanted to know about what you said this morning."
"Oh? What's that?" asked Strawberry Sunrise.
Candy Mane leaned in and licked her tongue all the way across Strawberry's painted lips.
"W-wha?" coughed Strawberry, as she inadvertently swallowed the gum. "I... What? Guh? I, I... buh? Guh?"
"Mmm. You were right! You do taste delicious. Kind of a cross between strawberries and apple-flavored gum, I think. That's pretty odd, but life is full of surprises, isn't it?" she said, and stood up, placing a hoof over her chest. "Huh. Now that's weird, too. My squirrel is really bopping around like crazy in there! Well, I gotta trot. I'll see you tomorrow, friend."
Before Strawberry could make any comprehensible words come out of her mouth, Candy had already cantered off. A few minutes passed while Strawberry's mind whirled in confusion, and she briefly wondered if this is what it feels like to be Candy Mane.
"Be still, my beating squirrel," she whispered to herself, then slowly rose to all fours. Her mouth still tasted like apples, which she normally hated with a passion, but for some reason she found the flavor unusually pleasant. "Apples? Apples. I'm actually enjoying the taste of apples. Well, one thing is certain: Applejack must never know," she resolved aloud, and then swiftly kicked the rest of the little pile of stones into the river.
Maybe this disastrous Hearts and Hooves Day wasn't all bad, Strawberry Sunrise thought to herself. And as she began the long trot back to her still-muddied house, each hoofstep felt just a little bit lighter than the last.