> Chryscord
>  by Pootie D. Trillist
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Part 1
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chrys-cord: A Tale of Horrible Shipping

Talks of an uprising had been going throughout the tiny civilization of the changelings while there queen was making her way back to the oasis where every last one of the changelings lived. The prosperous, bug-like creatures had thrived in their oasis for centuries, only leaving a couple of times a week for their necessary feedings. The changelings hadn't eaten enough in Equestria, and blamed their queen for her horrible judgement and planning. All of the changelings had been accounted for by the time Chrysalis had made her way back to their oasis some two days later. Cadence's love blast had led to the queen being knocked off course, making her the last changeling to arrive at the oasis. Two days of flying had worn out the queen, who also never got a chance to properly feed for any amount of time. Little did she know the ire she had incurred with her subjects.

"Damn your incompetence!" Chrysalis screamed at her subjects as they buzzed about trying to account for their many casualties, "I give you one simple task, kill Princess Cadence, and instead you throw her in some stupid little cavern!"

"But your excellency," one of her subjects stated, "we are not supposed to kill anything, this species feeds off of love."

"In fact it was your horrible planning that screwed us out of the takeover of Equestria," one of the changelings snapped back, "don't you think we could have just asked them to share the love with us?"

"That's not how we do things!" she shouted back, "we take what is ours."

"You know that we have negotiated with other creatures in the past. Offered them our service in exchange for the ability to feed off of their love, and it has worked out quite well. Now we find a species with enough love to spare us plenty and you ruin it by using hate to take it away from them." The high changeling priest sneered as he stepped forward.

"But what fun is there in that," the Changeling queen began to back up as she noticed her subjects begin to turn on her.

"Viva la revolution!" they screamed in unison as they picked up their queen and dumped her out of their colony. She landed in the desert outside of her massive palace, watching as all of her stuff began to fall out of the window after her when suddenly she noticed something weird happening in the desert before the oasis in front of her.
=======

"Why do we have to carry this statue through the middle of the desert again?" the delivery unicorn asked as he levitated the statue of Discord in front of him.

"Celestia paid us to that's why," his pegasus boss claimed as she began to sweat, "and extra since the changeling oasis is such a long voyage. I guess she figured that the climate would ruin Discord almost immediately if he ever got out of his imprisonment."

"Yeah he really isn't built to handle these conditions," the unicorn replied, "when I told my cousin in Appleoosa about this schmuck, he said that absolutely nothing happened out there. Who would have thought that all it would take to kill the God of Chaos was a couple of hours in the desert?"

"Well obviously Celestia," the pegasus snapped back, "she is the one who told us to bring him out here."

The pair walked on for another twenty minutes, spotting the Changeling oasis up ahead. They had walked some two hours since the last settlement of Equestria and the desert was beginning to take its toll on them. Exhausted, they dropped the statue a few hundred yards away from the royal palace and stopped for a break, sipping on a couple of bottled waters and looking at the sight of the entire changeling civilization. "Boy you would think a group of intelligent creatures would really plan better than to have their entire civilization out in the middle of an oasis less than a mile in diameter," the Pegasus remarked as she sipped on her water bottle.

"Who the heck ever told you these changelings were intelligent, they are a bunch of stupid parasites who feed off of love," the unicorn chuckled back, "of all the stupid crap you could eat, they eat love."

"That is true," the pegasus began to smile, "funniest thing of all is we would have just compromised them if they had just talked about it. What a bunch of morons."
At that moment, they saw the Queen of the changelings fall from a second story window and heard someone call out, "viva la revolution!" from inside of the palace. Discord's statue began to shake and become enveloped in a maroon field of energy.

"Oh shit," the unicorn screamed, "we need to get the Tartarus out of here now!"
=======

The massive maroon explosion could be seen from miles around and Chrysalis could only stare as she watched the evil statue become alive. She saw the delivery ponies run away and began to become aroused at the sight of the mischievous monster that had appeared out of nowhere. "By all that is evil and rotten," Chrysalis gasped, "that creature is magnificent."

As suddenly as he had appeared, Discord had dropped to the ground and begun to cry out for help. Chrysalis did the opposite of her usual nature, and decided to oblige. "Are you ok?" she asked as Discord laid groaning in pain on the ground.

"I am ten feet tall, sixty four pounds, and just woke up from a six month coma in the middle of the desert, in summer, without any water," Discord struggled to speak, "you have no idea just how far from ok I am right now."

Chrysalis couldn't help but giggle at the massive monster laying before her. "Let me guess, Celestia?" she asked as the disposed queen tried to help Discord to his feet.

"Yes, but how did you know?" Discord stared at his new acquaintance in wonder.

"Because that horrible pony thwarted my plans, made me look like a foal, and in the long run even caused all of my subjects to abandon me," Chrysalis explained as she stared deeply into the eyes of her new companion, "my name is Chrysalis, former queen of the changelings, and I would let you into that massive palace as my guest, but I am no longer welcome there."

"Well Chrysalis, I am Discord," the lord of chaos announced proudly, "and if I don't get out of this sun in about twenty minutes I will literally die."

"I can help you, I know of a cave about a mile to the east," Chrysalis explained as she began to walk, "inside there is an underground pond full of the coldest, most enchanted water this desert has ever seen. If we keep up a good pace we can make it there in about fifteen minutes."

"Now that's the first good news I have heard in millennia," Discord followed the deposed royalty, "please show me the way your majesty." Discord had made it a point to bow after addressing the changeling as 'your majesty' listening to her giggle with delight again afterwards.
=======

After almost twenty minutes of walking through the desert, Discord looked like he would collapse at any moment. The conversation between the villains had been lovely, but Discord feared that if he did not get water soon then all hope would be lost. Then as he began to feel his body start to give out, Chrysalis finally spotted the cave less than a hundred yards away. "We will be protected from the elements in this sanctuary," she explained as she walked towards the cave, "I promise you that you will be well again soon."

"I cannot tell you how much I am indebted to you for all of your help," Discord smiled, speaking sincerely was not usually one of his strong suits, but for once it just felt right. "I am willing to do anything to make this up to you."

"Anything you say," Chrysalis stated as she moved a massive rock aside with her magic. Discord stared at her, now wondering what her angle was. "Oh don't worry, I will need a favor of you when the time is right," Chrysalis explained as she led the beast into the cavern, "you will know when I am ready for your favor."

"That's exactly what I was afraid of," Discord claimed as he felt the cool air inside of the cave. Albeit the entrance was seemingly small, the cave itself was actually quite large inside. A massive cavern filled with stalactites and stalagmites, did exactly what the queen had described, shielding them from the sun's harmful rays. She sealed the rock behind them, using a light spell from her twisted, porous horn to lead the way. "Don't you think that this is a bit pointless, you can't keep up that spell forever you know," Discord stated as Chrysalis continued to lead him deeper into the cave.

"What?" Chrysalis coyly asked, "don't you trust me?"

"Umm no," Discord answered, "last time I checked we were both villains."

Chrysalis giggled at the statement. "Oh Discord, you have such a sense of humor," she claimed as the room began to glow without her horn's light. "This is where I was telling you about, the water here holds a special magical energy that ancient changelings had used to heal the sick. We have since changed our ways and the magical waters have become obsolete. In fact only three changelings even know that this place still exists, and as the former queen I am one of them."

"Well I must admit that I am thoroughly impressed," Discord claimed as he bent over to drink some water, "this is absolutely divine." He paused for a moment and watched the queen as she walked towards another part of the cave, thinking to himself 'almost as divine as that flank of yours'. As he drank the water, he could feel himself become strong once more, his magic fully powered and his body completely hydrated.
=======

The two villains sat around and talked for hours, waiting for the sun to set so that they could safely venture out into the night. Discord made some cupcakes and chocolate milk appear out of nowhere, "you must be famished, care for some?" Discord held out a cupcake to Chrysalis, thinking that she would need to accept his offer.

"I cannot digest pony food," she stated as she laid on the floor, "I have not fed in three days, two of them were spent flying my way back to the oasis after Cadence's horrific blast knocked my off course. So many of my changelings were wounded or killed because of my stupid plan so I do not deserve to feed."

"We all make mistakes love," Discord tried to console the changeling, "you have a burden on your shoulders that I could only have nightmares of. I am just stuck as this chaotic deity forced to cause crap wherever I go, you tried to feed your subjects and failed. They will make their way on their own, from what you have told me the changelings are very resourceful. But you must eat something or else you will die."

"I can only process love," Chrysalis frowned, "and there is almost nothing which can replace that. And after all of the horrible things I have done who says death isn't what I deserve." Discord stepped forward and hugged the changeling, petting her mane as she began to gently sob. Showing weakness was not in her character, but for some reason the pair just felt so safe and secure among each other that it didn't matter. Discord couldn't quite put his finger on it, but something just seemed so right about his new companion. She fell asleep in Discord's arms as he continued to gently pet her mane, he drifted off shortly thereafter.
=======

"I missed my window of opportunity and it's all your fault queen crybaby," Discord sneered as he walked to where the changeling slept, "the night has come and gone and I spent it sleeping next to you instead of enacting my revenge."

"Well you chose to stay here," Chrysalis snapped back, "I never forced you to do anything and yet her you are still stuck in this cave with a dying changeling. I hope me laying here with no strength doesn't inconvenience your chaotic plans."

"It does," Discord snapped back, "I spent the entire night comforting you while you wallowed in self-pity and got nothing. I am evil for Faust's sake, this type of thing goes against my very nature, but here I am stuck with the worst evil ruler in history, stuck in a cave until nightfall once again, twenty feet under the ground having to listen to you. 'Oh I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm the dumbest changeling ever and I deserve this but let me wallow in my own filth some more!'" Discord mocked the queen, not realizing what he was doing to her both emotionally and physically.

"Please stop," Chrysalis cried as she began to feel weaker and weaker, "hatred can only harm me more."

"You idiot I am evil," Discord snapped back, "I don't care about anything other than chaos and you are completely worthless to me."

"Please, I want to call in my only favor with you, I beg of you to think about what you are saying," Chrysalis cried out, "you at least owe me that after I saved your life."

"Fine," Discord snarled as he watched the changeling struggle to even hold up her head, "but for the record, this has been the worst day of my life."

"Ditto," Chrysalis whispered as her head dropped and the tears continued to fall.
=======

Discord saw that Chrysalis was no longer conscious. He gave her a drink of the healing water, only to see her eyes briefly flutter and her go back into her comatose state. He levitated the changeling up and dunked her into the water, holding her under for five seconds before placing her gently back where she had been. She regained consciousness but remained weak and wary. "I wanted to say that I am… sorry about earlier," Discord stated, "my selfishness got the best of me and after all you have done you deserve to be treated better than that."

"I…needed…that," the changeling queen struggled to spit out the words as she barely had any strength at all.

"Oh come on Chrysalis, there must be something I can do," Discord walked over to the changeling and got down on her level, "I still owe you for saving my life, please tell me how to save yours."

"Embarassing," Chrysalis struggled to say, "but… sex is… close to love…. it can… replace a meal… for me."

"Darling I haven't had any kind of relations in over a thousand years," Discord sheepishly tried to explain, "I might kill you from force alone."

"Only way…I know how," Chrysalis stated as she feebly rolled over, "please save me."

Discord was at a loss. It seemed that every male's dream was to somehow use his penis to save a female, and this female was one who had not only stricken his fancy from the beginning, but had thus far proved herself worthy of his saving. But after a thousand years trapped in stone, Discord wasn't even sure that his little chaos would work anymore. He finally made a decision. "I will give it my best," Discord stated as he took a deep breath and began to slowly kiss the nape of the changeling's neck. His lips worked their way down until reaching a much more sensitive area, making the changeling squeal in delight. 'Maybe I haven't lost it after all', Discord thought to himself before commencing in the act.
=======

"You amazing male specimen," Chrysalis stated as she laid next to Discord feeling more alive than she had in years, "I have no clue how you did half of the stuff you just did, but it was amazing beyond all logic and reason."

"Well that's partly because of magic, partly because of size, and partly because of stamina," Discord bragged, "and for some reason the end result for me tends to be chocolate syrup."

"It's not just that, I think you may be the first male I have ever met who truly gets me," Chrysalis stated as she rolled over and met her eyes with his, "you have done things to me that I have only dreamed, and we have connected on such a personal level these past two days. Hell you saved my life today."

"Oh Chrysalis I think I know where this is going," Discord began to smile, "I think I am in love with you, or at least suffering a deep infatuation."

"Changelings aren't supposed to feel love, we are supposed to feed off of it," Chrysalis began to frown, "but I think I am done with being evil, I no longer want to just use others like some kind of succubus. I only want to spend my days and nights with you Discord. I couldn't care what the other changelings think, I am no longer their leader anyway so it truly doesn't matter. I love you, you chaotic son of a bitch."

"And I love you Chrysalis," Discord grinned as he wrapped his claw around the changeling, "are you up for round five."

"If you keep this up I might get fat," she smiled as Discord began to laugh at a joke other than his own for the first time in a long time, "and please just call me Chrys."
=======

"Well sister it looks like your plan for allowing the changelings an hour of feeding every day has been a compromise that everyone involved can live with," Luna stated as she walked into her sister's bedroom, "but I'm assuming that your plan of letting two of your worst villains team up isn't working so well."

"Haha shows what you know," Celestia smirked as she held up an orb showing Discord and Chrysalis cuddling inside of the cave, "they have both given up evil and love each other. It turns out they weren't all that evil, just loaded with tons of pent up sexual tension."

"Well I'll be dammed," Luna grinned, "I guess I owe you twenty bits for this one."
> Part 2
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chaos Boogaloo

More horrible shipping... just shameful really

The former Queen Chrysalis laid on a mattress on the cave floor, struggling to force herself to wake up from the extremely plush mattress made to appear out of nowhere by none other than her magical partner. She rubbed the afternoon gunk out of her eyes and rolled over to see the smiling Discord staring back. The two just stared deeply into each other's eyes neither one saying a word at first. The silence was broken by Chrysalis who quietly whispered one word, "damn!"

"Is that all you have to say darling," Discord smirked back at his lover, "you were doing a whole lot of screaming about twelve hours ago."

"Discord, I don't even have to say anything else," Chrysalis smiled as she gracefully lifted her hoof up to brush an extremely long eyebrow hair out of his face. "Did we really sleep until noon again?"

"Darling noon was some three hours ago," Discord slowly pulled himself up from the bed, "I believe you have been one lazy changeling today." He slowly walked over to a bathroom he had set up magically in order to keep the impromptu apartment clean.

"Is it just me or does this place look different?" Chrysalis looked around the cave she and Discord had been staying in for the past week or so. It had been adorned with full furnishings like a proper Manehattan apartment, everything from furniture to potted plants to a good sized tv made the damp place feel like a home.

"Yes actually, I stayed up late and did all this after you passed out," Discord smiled as his lover sat up to survey her surroundings. "So what do you think about our first apartment, I figure that since we have been living in here for the past week and a half that I would just spruce up the place a bit. You know we needed something other than sex to keep entertained, especially since you pass out for a minimum of six hours afterwards."

"Look sex is not only physically exhausting, but for me it's like performing the same feat wile dining at an all you can eat buffet," Chrysalis explained, "by the end of it I'm physically exhausted, stuffed to the brim full of nutrients, and in need of a good amount of rest time."

"Well dear I guess if that's the case we need to lay off for physical health reasons," Discord explained, "you need to be in peak physical condition if anything were to ever result of all this. Besides, I went ahead and did the whole place up like a chique modern penthouse in Manehattan, we even have Hooflix to keep us occupied."

"I suppose I haven't been getting nearly enough exercise," Chrysalis moved enough to just look at her flank which had grown slightly larger since the beginning of the experience with Discord. It was not enough for him to care, but on her frame even a small amount of weight was very visible. "And I definitely like this style a lot more than that overly lavish Canterlot crap. Bleh, you would think the richest elites would define taste as being more than just 'let's see how many jewels we can cram on any object'. My only question is what the hell is Hooflix?"

"Only the richest of ponies have access to it love," Discord stated as he watched Chrysalis twinge slightly just from him even stating the word love, "you can watch every single movie ever made from every civilization on this planet. We can even get into yoga so the sex will get even better."

"You know, this is way too much and all of this love is just turning me into a butterball," Chrysalis began to frown as she felt a small layer of fat around her middle, "I really hate being this lazy fatty I'm starting to become and it bugs me that you are just all ok with it."

"Darling I will love you until the end of time," Discord claimed as he walked back to his lover, "I wouldn't do this just for some floosy with a physical thing, you know this is love."

"Sweetie, I'm really not trying to bother you but every time you talk about how much you love me it's like eating again. With how sweet you are I might become a diabetic." Chrysalis was pleased when Discord got her horrible joke and uttered a soft chuckle.

"Well it that's the case I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you… do you need insulin yet?" Discord playfully teased as he put his paw and claw around his love and began to tickle her endlessly, "I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you."

"Hahahaha, please stop Discord, hahahah" Chrysalis tried to gasp between her laughing only for Discord to briefly back off, "this is seriously like force feeding me right now."

"I don't think you can get off that easy," Discord showed a devious grin before he continued with the tickling, "I love you I love you I love you I love you."

"Hahaha you evil bastard hahaha," Chrysalis gasped for air between her laughter as the tickling continued.
=======

One would like to believe that the rest is history, but that's just not how it works. Chrysalis and Discord continued their stay in the cave for about four months, leading the life of a normal couple with nearly unlimited magical powers. Chrysalis would work out on a treadmill for an hour every day, and immediately lose any progress with sex. The couple watched countless movies, having more sex after every horrible romantic comedy, and fear sex after the cupcakes movie (which had scared Chrysalis right into Discord's arms, it does work bronies). Chrysalis would sleep for upwards of fifteen hours every day, leaving Discord with enough free time for anything he wanted to do, of course followed by more sex. The two had never been happier.

Then one day when Discord was watching the movie Friday for the thirteenth time, a strange sound came from inside of one of the dark areas of the cave. Discord stood up and screamed, "show yourself," before clapping his paw and claw together and causing the entire cave to illuminate as if by a system of well-placed lamps. He stared in shock at the pony standing on the other side of the cave. "Celestia," he stated in disbelief as the slender white alicorn approached him.

"Discord, I am so glad that you finally found a way to keep your chaos under control, but I really could use your evil skills right now," Celestia stated quietly as she tried to avoid waking the sleeping changeling, "things have started to go bad."

"How dare you ask me to do you a favor after you sent me," Discord paused and slowly put two and two together, figuring everything out, "you sent me to the oasis on purpose, not to wreak havoc on the changelings or to kill me, but to help me find her."

"That was surprisingly less complicated than I imagined, but yes," Celestia approached Discord, "now the problem in Equestria is not changeling related, it's based on boredom. You see, in recent years ponies have become, well somewhat blasé about everything, which is why I am here. With the changeling threat suddenly gone, every single other nation peaceful with us, and none of the usual minor setbacks we face, the last four months have made my subjects let down their guard too much."

"So how the hell am I supposed to help, Chrys gave up on the evil and she expects me to do the same," Discord frowned at the thought of turning back into the deity of chaos once again.

"I just need you to do me this one favor, and in exchange you two can have one favor from me," Celestia slowly began to smile, "I need you to help stage a coup to bring Chrysalis back into power with her changelings, and gradually influence her to cause a full scale invasion of my kingdom. I know that she will not want to do this if she is aware of the reason, mainly her intense hatred of my family, but I also know that she is horrible at being evil."

"Right I know, so sloppy," Discord added, "in fact I was surprised about how far she actually got the last time she invaded you, of course I heard about it after the fact."

"Discord, if you had planned the attack she would have gotten all the way to Manehattan," Celestia admitted, "there's a reason I have never had to encase anyone else in stone before."

"It does feel good to be bad, and she has been really upset about the ten pounds she gained," Discord considered his options, "but what will you do for me in return."

"When all is said and done I will give you and her an actual penthouse in Manehattan, she can use her changeling powers to just look like another pony and you can still shape shift right?" Celestia asked

"Well yes, but who says we want to live in Manehattan?" Discord sneered.

"Oh a little birdy told me," Celestia smiled as she pulled out her magical orb, "I have seen a lot from the two of you lately."

"Well fine, but if all goes to plan I will have to encase you in stone just to make it look convincing," Discord added, "but do you care to explain just how much you have been spying on us lately Tia?"

"Damn," Celestia whispered

"Damn," Discord stated back in a mixture of shock and anger as the princess turned to leave.
=======

'I just made a deal with the devil,' Discord thought to himself as he sat on his couch and sipped on some chocolate milk (or more honestly the glass around the chocolate milk). There was no easy way to go about lying to chrysalis, but for their future Discord didn't find it so hard to revert back to his old ways.

"What cha doin?" Chrysalis came up behind Discord and wrapped her hooves around his neck, giving him a hug from behind.

Discord jumped and spilled chocolate milk, which shattered all over the floor as if it were glass. "Sweet Faust you scared the crap out of me," Discord snapped, "next time make a little noise or something, I mean sheesh."

"Well why are you so jumpy all of a sudden, we didn't have a break in while I was asleep did we?" Chrysalis took a seat next to Discord not realizing just how close to being right she was.

"Oh no but I have just been startled all morning dear," Discord replied, "this dream I had, I think it was a bit prophetic."

"Tell me about it," Chrysalis cooed to her lover.

"Well I um we um took back your throne and used the power to overthrow Celestia," Discord turned his head away in shame as he spoke, "I encased her in stone and you smashed the statue with a sledge hammer. Then we ruled the entire planet as co-emperors."

"Wow, that sounds really evil, didn't we give up on being the villains like months ago?" Chrysalis tried to wrap her mind around the thought.

"Well yes actually," Discord grinned and turned his head back to her, "but it is what we are good at. I mean who knows, maybe if we try to overthrow some stuff we can get hired as mercenaries and finally get that penthouse in fabulous Tenpony Tower. I'll even stage the coup d'état for you, all you have to do is take charge of the changelings after I'm done and we can start our operations from there. Now what do you say?"

"Well I say I need to think about this, I mean I really have mixed feelings about going back to causing mayhem, I thought that part of my life was done," Chrysalis replied as she got up to clean up the chocolate chards.

"Oh come on Chrys, you act like this is such a huge deal, we both do this crap all the time," Discord smiled as he put his finger under Chrysalis' chin

"This is a huge deal, and we USED to do that crap all the time," Chrysalis walked away in disgust, "I need to think about this OK!"

"Fine sheesh," Discord frowned as his lover walked out into the hot desert beyond their cavernous apartment.
=======

"Stupid Discord, stupid evil thoughts," Chrysalis sneered as she strolled out into the scorching heat without a care in the world, "I swear to Faust that this bastard is trying to make me into some fat housewife just so he can turn around and rule the world behind my back."  She continued walking out into the hot sun, soon realizing that she was nearing her limit. "Oh sheesh it has been a while since I have been out in this desert," she said out loud without thinking about it, "I need to turn back before I get lost out here."

She had walked too far, almost three miles out into the desert, and now she was stuck in the middle of the heat feeling herself start to lose it. Then suddenly a mirage appeared in front of her. "Hello Chrysalis, I am your subconscious mind," the thing stated as it walked closer to her.

"My subconscious mind looks like Princess Celestia of Equestria," Chrysalis examined the apparition in disgust, "and here this whole time I had thought the evil was out of my system."

"Nope, I represent your repressed hatred for the royal ponies in Canterlot," the fake Celestia claimed, "Discord is right about the need for some vengeance on those ponies."

"Wow, this is seriously pretty weird, are you sure you represent my actual subconscious mind and that this whole thing isn't just some elaborate plot from the real princess?" Chrysalis asked, once again completely unaware of how close she was to the truth.

"Umm I'm your subconscious brought to life by exposure to extreme heat and nothing more." Celestia convincingly saved her lie, "but seriously I know that you still want to rip Cadence limb from limb, punish the royal sisters for their actions, and take over the world. I can guarantee a penthouse suite in Manehattan will come out of this."

"Really? Manehattan you say?" Chrysalis began to perk up.

"And that's all I needed to hear," Celestia chided before lighting up her horn and magically knocking Chrysalis unconscious. "Now I can just magically send her back to the cave and viola, she thinks this encounter was a dream and wants to help Discord take over the world. Then back to Canterlot for a dip in the royal pool, this weather is absolutely unbearable."
=======

"Oh Day-day, you are such a comically misleading stereotype," Discord chuckled as he continued watching Friday After Next, "oh three movies just aren't enough, I should write Ice Colt and see if he can get the gang back together for a part four."

"Huh?" Chrysalis groggily awoke from her bed, "what the hell happened?"

"Well you spent about four hours in the sun and collapsed as soon as you got into the door darling," Discord lied as he never took his eyes off of the TV, "Oh no Money Mike, watch out for that big bastard coming in the bathroom behind you."

"But I had a dream, this vivid image of Celestia telling me to attack her kingdom, it was the strangest damn thing," Chrysalis claimed as she rolled over and watched the tv for a second.

"Well you know dreams tend to be crazy from time to time," Discord continued his lie.

"Which brings me back to your offer, if you can single handedly bring me back into power with the changelings, I will join you in the conquest of Equestria," Chrysalis grinned as Discord turned off his movie and stared at her with an even bigger grin of his own.

"I guess this means we are back in business," Discord claimed, "tomorrow I will overthrow the Changeling Republic for my favorite little autocrat."

"Discord, just come over here and have your way with me already, I'm hungry" Chrysalis smiled as she rolled over on the bed and awaited some more of Discord's passionate love making.
> Part 3
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Damn, even more shipping...

Discord rolled off of his lover gasping for breath; chocolate syrup was all over their bed from his act, and Chrysalis was once again sound asleep. 'I suppose nightfall is coming soon,' the monster thought to himself as he stared at his graceful changeling lover, 'how funny will it be when she wakes up tomorrow and finds herself back on the throne.'

Discord was wary of a transition back to being a villain. His life had been one battle after another, and now he was going to go back to his horrible ways for no other reason than the promise of a Manehattan Penthouse Suite. Life has a way of messing with even the best of us, even when we think we understand it, something comes along to make us question everything. For Discord, this was one of those things. He knew invading the Changelings would be easy, if not downright fun, but… actually after thinking about it for a moment his attitude changed completely. It would be a fun way to exercise his power, he wasn't about to kill anyone and the only bad part of the whole thing was lying to his special somebody.

Discord poked his head outside to see that the sun had set, and realized that his window of opportunity had begun. It was time to throw a democracy into pure chaos and force them to accept their evil queen back for the sheer sake of helping his immortal enemy. And yet the more he thought about it, the more he knew that he would enjoy the insanity.
=======

"Fall to your knees changelings!" Discord bellowed out from atop a cotton candy cloud, "for I am your new master and you are all my subjects."

The changelings ran around their oasis trying to figure out how to change their reservoir from chocolate milk back into water. Changeling young screamed at the hideous and horrible balloon minions conjured by the beast, their parents howled in horror at the sight of their entire oasis becoming a twisted and mangled multi-dimensional chess board from tartarus. The changeling high priest ran out of his chambers to try to work out a deal with this devil. "Oh evil Discord we only wish for peace," the priest prayed to his attacker, "we are a simple society which feeds off of small amounts of love and have very little to offer, but anything we can do to serve thee we are…"
Discord snapped his claw and turned the priest into a bushel of apples and laughed at the horror the changelings displayed in this act. "Foalish fools!" he screamed at the scurrying creatures, "there will be no satisfying me until every last one of you gets down on your knees and treats me as the all-powerful being I am."

"Surely you are open to negotiations," the newly elected president called to the monster, "surely we can do something to appease thee oh chaotic one."

"Yes there are a few things you can do," Discord responded with a set of demands, "first you will step down from your position of power and bring back your evil queen. Second you will aid me in a new attempt to conquer Equestria. And finally you will eat one of the apples which used to be the high priest or be turned into a tub of strawberry preserves. And don't call me Shirley"

"I will do all that you wish, just spare my poor changelings of the madness," the president claimed as he removed his sash and bowed his head to Discord, "however, I will not eat our beloved priest, for he is the keeper of peace between us and others, he has guided us through the worst of times, and it was he who…" the president was interrupted and turned into a large jar of strawberry jam.

"Damn," Discord sneered under his breath, "I can never turn them into preserves, it's always jam, jelly or marmalade but never my preserves." And with that the changelings were conquered. Discord looked at his watch and noticed the fact that it had only taken him 35 minutes to force the changelings into his submission. "Oh boy Discord you haven't lost a step," he chuckled to himself as almost a million changelings began to grovel underneath him, "this might be the fastest coup in history, but I still don't have my damned preserves."
=======

Chrysalis awoke, not in the cavern apartment, but in the palace on the oasis, in the massive bed surrounded by luxuries fit for royalty. "Well I'll be a daughter of a pony princess," Chrysalis exclaimed as she sat up in her bed and looked at the two servants waiting at her bedside, "that chaotic old bastard actually did it."

"Yes mam, your king Discord has forced us to accept you back as our leader," one of the servants begrudgingly admitted, "and we will be glad to fetch anything your heart desires whenever you should please."

Chrysalis began to laugh in the changelings' faces. "You pussies didn't even put up a fight did you?" Chrysalis toyed, "I'll bet you… you just laid on the ground and begged for mercy as soon as he broke out the cotton candy clouds!"

"Well we held out for almost an hour mam, but he is just too great for us," the Changeling servant admitted only to hear his queen laugh some more.

"You know what, I would like a hooficure and a facial," Chrysalis grinned as one of the servants went off to fetch the cosmetics, "and I could use a cold glass of water. And while you're at it turn the air conditioning down a little bit, it's drafty in here."

"As you wish mam," the servant bowed his head and exited the room. He ran into some guards in the hallway. "I can't believe this bitch is already back, didn't we just get rid of her?" he asked the guard captain.

"Yes, but apparently Discord has a thing for her so until we can figure out how to defeat him we are stuck with the insufferable queen of disgrace," the guard whispered back as he cringed in disgust.
=======

The changeling debriefing room was filled with the generals of Chrysalis' old regime, awaiting orders from their new commander Discord. He arrived with their queen in toe, eating a bagel smothered in strawberry jam. "This president sure tastes delicious, quite a nice touch if I do say so myself," Discord smiled at his love.

"Well isn't someone quite the showoff today?" Chrysalis replied as she pulled out a map of Equestria from a pack on her back. Discord pulled some documents and motioned to the queen, allowing her to have the floor. "So Discord has informed me that last time we attempted an invasion of Equestria our plans were flawed, and I have you all to thank. We underestimated the force of their royal guard, and only accounted for the powers of two princesses. Perhaps some of you might not know the fact that Luna practically destroyed our aerial raid, maybe you forgot that the love powers of princess Cadence almost killed me, and maybe you did not realize the fact that Celestia felt we were so flawed that she hardly even attacked me to begin with in order to let her sisters get the glory. One must realize that Celestia can only be defeated by a being with nearly double her powers, something which I fall far short of." The queen explained, "in short we were screwed from the get go and it is all your fault."

"But my queen, we have since established diplomatic relations with Equestria," the infantry commander exclaimed, "we have no reason to invade the very nation which has given us an hour of feeding per day!"

"That reason is beef," Discord explained, "We have nothing short of an intense loathing for the ponies of Equestria, seeing their demise will please us greatly."

"But last time there were thousands of casualties," the areal commander cried out, "it would be suicide to return to Equestria under such dishonorable circumstances."

"Precisely why we have Discord with us," Chrysalis explained, "he is the only being in history to beat the equestrian royals at their own game, he can hold back all three princesses by himself. All we would need to do is tactfully plan a surprise attack against their armies and we are home free."

"But we are dealing with a fortified mountain top city, a stronghold which cannot be invaded even if we can build a force a hundred thousand strong against ten archers!" a lieutenant general screamed, "this is madness!"

"That is insubordination!" Discord shouted back. He reared up and slammed his claw and paw onto the table, forcing out a stream of magical energy which shot across the solid oak table. The general was turned into a large jar of apple jam. "DAMN! I still cannot make preserves!" Discord angrily exclaimed before he sat back down. Horrified glares made their way to the monster before Chrysalis continued with the official plan.

"Now we must invade within the next two days in order to ensure the element of surprise," Chrysalis explained, "we will need to do a full scale aerial attack, however only about a third of the force will try to take Canterlot this time lead by myself. In order to do this we must change our approach, our areal commander Blitz Craig will lead a third of the troops to Fillydelphia, the center of Equestria's industries. Finally our remaining troops will be led by our infantry commander Five Star into the completely unguarded Manehattan, the largest city and home to the ponies' stock market. Any questions?"

"Where does Discord come into play?" the aerial commander asked.

"Secret weapon to draw the princesses off of our forces," Discord explained, "when the attack on Canterlot happens they will send out Celestia, Luna, and Cadence, three ponies of extreme power, and I am the only one here who can actually defeat the three of them. As Chrysalis explained, Celestia is possibly the greatest spin doctor in history, and I have yet to see her in a situation which is not under her complete control."

"So one more time, Celestia actually let us win last time to lure us into a false sense of security before our final defeat at the hooves of Cadence?" the lieutenant general who had just been promoted to replace the jar of jam asked, "because really if that's the case who's to say she doesn't already have this under her control as we speak?"

"Well, I, um," Discord tried to find an answer, "that's a very good question, and quite frankly this whole thing may be doomed from the get go, but really what's the fun in life if you never take a risk."

"Risks are what we try to avoid sir, and with all due respect, even at the risk of being turned into jam, I would like to add that this plan is foolish and unwise in every way." Blitz knew what was coming next, and readied himself.

"Now I see why you are a commander sir," Discord watched as the stoic expression on the general's face turned into one of relief, "but I'm still going to turn you into preserves, how does cherry sound?"

"Wait, what?" the general asked shortly before a beam shot out from Discord's claw and turned him into a large jar of cherry preserves.

"Hot diggity!" Discord jumped for joy, "who wants some bagels?"
=======

"Who goes there?" Celestia shouted in her chambers as she slowly drew a massive katana, "show yourself now or else."

"Or else what Tia?" Discord toyed as he stepped out of the shadows.

"Oh it's you, I must admit the surprise entrance was almost enough to make me set off a nuke spell," Celestia explained, approaching the monster with a smile on her face, "so how goes the attack plan?"

"Pretty damn good," Discord replied as he took a seat and popped a bottle of bubbly the princess had chilling in an ice bucket nearby, "we are going to attack you tomorrow at dawn. Chrysalis actually did pretty good with the evil plan this time and we have amassed an army of nearly 30,000 troops. I kept her out of the loop, but I can't help but think about how pissed she will be when she finds out that all of this was a setup to assist you."

"Don't worry, once Chrysalis sees the penthouse I have picked out for you she will go bananas," Celestia explained, "this is one of the nicest suites in all of Equestria we are talking about here. And we both know that all females are motivated by nice things. Now what's the plan?"

"Oh you know, three cities at once, I come in with the surprise attack and…" Discord was suddenly cut off by Celestia's lips meeting his. He shoved the princess off of him in disgust. "Whoa! Wait a Faust damned second here what was that about?"

"I just wanted to mess with you a bit," Celestia began to laugh, "you should have seen the look on your face."

"If that ever happens again I will ensure your imminent demise!" Discord leapt out of his seat and shouted over the princess' laughter.

"Oh come off it Discord," Celestia made her way back to the seat, "just tell me the plan already."
=======

Chrysalis waited in the empty room filled with ornate decorations when Celestia walked in. "So what happened?" the changeling asked.

"Well your man is definitely loyal to you, you should have seen the look on his face when I tried to kiss him," Celestia explained, "I wish I had a camera to… oh wait I did." Celestia took out the hidden camera and showed the picture to Chrysalis.

"Absolutely priceless," Chrysalis chuckled, "so did he tell you the plans?"

"Yeah," Celestia grinned, "but there is just one thing."

"What's that?" the changeling asked.

"He seems so upset that we have had him lying to you this whole time," Celestia explained, "that stupid draconequus really is in love with you."

"Yeah I guess he is," Chrysalis smiled, "but don't call him stupid."

"Whatever, just tell him to quit being so proud of that stupid trick with the preserves," Celestia explained, "if I didn't know better I would think he had a fetish or something."

"Tell me about it." Chrysalis stated as the two royal (so called) enemies shared a laugh.
> Part 4
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The invasion seemed to be going according to plan. Discord had scared the ponies of Canterlot and stirred the princesses into a frenzy, laughing maniacally as they chased him. The aerial chase was hardly something the God of chaos wanted to be a part of, but despite their stronger wings the princesses had yet to catch Discord. 'And here I thought I was a weak flyer,' Discord thought as he lunged into a vertical dive.
=======

Chrysalis on the other hoof was leading a large force to deal with the royal guard. Thousands of changelings would be injured dealing with the elite defenders of the royal pony city of Canterlot. Her troops filed in line at the highest point of the mountain above the city, and waited for the command.

Chrysalis took in a deep breath, knowing that her next words could potentially seal her fate. "CHARGE!" she screamed with all her might as every single one of her soldiers leapt hundreds of feet into the royal city without a seconds delay. Because of their incredibly hard skulls, the changeling soldier's best attack is usually the free fall, and when ten thousand of these creatures all come down upon a city at the same time, mass destruction tends to ensue.

Unfortunately for the changelings, not a single building was harmed due to a spell cast by the royal guard captain before their arrival. "What did you dumb bugs think we would make the same mistake as last time?" Shining Armor laughed as five hundred of the best trained soldiers Equestria had ever known assembled behind him, "you idiots never learn do you?"

"Nope," Chrysalis laughed, "now let's finish this you impotent little pony."
=======

"Blam!" Discord shouted as he shot a spell at Princess Cadence. It hit her directly but seemed to cause no harm.

"Duuuuuddee I am so hungry right now!" Cadence shouted before turning around and heading back to the castle. She sang a Bob Marely song along the way, "I'm just a buffalo soldier, stolen from de buffalo, I come to Equestria…."

"Well Tia I think his magic is about as chaotic as he is," Luna flew up next to her sister to explain, "I think he meant to turn our niece into stone… and now she is…" a spell hit the Princess of the Night, only stunning her long enough to cause her to crash into a rooftop some sixty feet below. She awoke just before crashing and was then immediately knocked unconscious by the impact.

"Wow you actually hit Luna!" Celestia began to grin as she shouted to her 'nemesis', "Now that is impressive! Plus now you can pretend to defeat me so the Elements of Harmony will have to get their asses out of bed and save Equestria. Let me land really quick and do a cool pose before you turn me into a statue." The princess of the day was quick to land and strike a pose.

"Celestia darling isn't the whole Han Solo thing a little bit played out?" Discord scoffed at the princess' pose which had obviously been stolen from a movie.

"Fine how about I just look like I was trying to charge you heroically so my subjects don't question it," Celestia grinned as she tried to stop moving.

"Ok then Tia this will only hurt for a moment," Discord held up his claw and felt the energy begin to build, "well here goes nothing."
=======

"Wow this is easier than I had previously thought," Shining Armor Sparkle stated to his second in command, "we have only been fighting this massive changeling army for about ten minutes and a quarter of them are already incapacitated."

"Maybe we can finish this up in an hour and do brunch," the lieutenant grinned as he kicked an attacking changeling in the face without missing a beat, "the missus has been dying to meet Cadence and there's a really good little spot on the south side of town. I can call them up really quick and get us a twelve o'clock reservation if you want."

Two changelings tried to simultaneously attack the Guard Captain, only to have both of their rock hard skulls smashed against each other with enough force to cause a concussion by his strong forehooves. "Well I guess we will probably be done by twelve but I think we might need a little bit of time to clean up their wounded," Shiny cockily teased, "but you are excused from the battle to go and…"

Shining Armor looked up in the sky and saw his bride as she lazily flew into her castle suite. "Maybe we should take a rain check," Shiny explained, "my Cadence doesn't look so good and she just returned from fighting Discord. In fact I should probably go check on her. Would you mind finishing this little skirmish up while I do that?"

"Not a problem brosef," the lieutenant replied, "I'll come get you when this is over."

"DIIIIEEEEE!!" screamed a changeling as he charged the pony commanders with a small bomb strapped to his chest.

"Let me get this I guess," Shiny stated as he wrapped the suicide bomber in his magic, "it's always the douche bags like this one who do the most damage."
=======

"Oh what the tartarus?" Chrysalis screamed as she watched twenty of her soldiers get taken out by a single earth pony, "did you turds learn how to fight?"

"No mam, you cut the training budget three years ago so our army has been a bunch of pussies for some time now," her general replied.

"Oh…" Chrysalis stared at the ponies handing out beatings left and right to her army, "well then… this certainly sucks doesn't it."

"Darling, we have a bit of a situation with Celestia," Discord claimed as he walked towards his love, "when I turned her into a statue I may have accidentally…"

"We can worry about whatever you did later," Chrysalis shouted at the beast, "but for now just get your flank out there and help my rackin frackin army win this thing."

Discord stared at the five thousand remaining changelings and began to chuckle at just how poorly they fought. "Wow some army you have," he jeered, "I think we would have been better off using a single filly with a butterfly net."

"Don't talk that shit to me, just because you came inside of me doesn't mean you own me!" Chrysalis shouted.

"I probably should own you after taking back your kingdom for you and putting up with your incessant complaining about how fat your flank is getting," Discord shouted back, "and now I get to bail you out of this mess as well because you were too stupid to train your troops before battle!" Before the wind beneath his wings could respond, Discord flew out into the battlefield and took out the entire Equestrian National Royal Guard with a single immobility spell. He flew back to Chrysalis with a smug grin on his face, "see, what the buck did I just tell you."

"Well buck you too then," Chrysalis jeered, "I was getting sick of chocolate syrup anyway."

"Let's just finish this shit and go home!" Discord wined, "I am seriously done with you right now."
=======

Shining Armor charged up dozens of stairs and burst down the door to his castle suite. "Cadence are you ok?" he asked as he panted.

"I'm like better than ok man," Cadence groggily replied, "I feel like super-duper stoned right now."

"But I thought Hadrian was out of town?" Shiny began to get angry, "how the heck did you get your hooves on weed when your idiot brother isn't even here to supply you? I thought you said you only smoke when he offers it to you, when the tartarus did you start buying?"

"Chillax babe," Cadence lazily replied, "that douche Discord just did this for free when I went to like fight him and stuff. Now can you order a pizza or something?"

"You are a princess, you represent all of Equestria!" Shiny complained, "how can the populace take our government seriously if their chief diplomat is a pot head?!"

"Nag nag nag nag!" Discord suddenly appeared behind the Guard Captain, "I swear Shiny Sparkle is worse than my woman when it comes to nagging!"

"How dare you…" Shining Armor was cut off when a blast from Discord's magic turned him into a gigantic chess pie.

"Dude I haven't seen one of those in like forever!" Cadence smiled a gigantic grin, "can I eat him?"

"No dear if you do that we might not be able to change him back," Discord explained, "I can conjure up some chocolate milk and cookies if that sounds better."

"No way dude I haven't had a chess pie in so long!" Cadence complained.

"It's just eggs, flour, corn meal, and sugar… surely you can think of something better," Discord reasoned.

"How about some pizza?" Cadence grinned, "Hadrian gave me a whole bunch of his weed before he left last week and I know you need it dude."

"Ok fine, but only if it's good shit," Discord claimed, "poopy weed just makes me feel all orderly."
=======

"Oh geez," Twilight Sparkle woke up from her deep sleep, "my head is throbbing! Why did I mix Everfree vodka and Captain Maregans?"

"Because you were tripping on the punch Pinkie drugged before the party," Spike replied as he carried in vitamins and water to the hung-over mare, "I think she said she put forty hits of acid in the bowl and you had two glasses of that crap." Twilight emptied the contents of her stomach onto the floor in a single violent heave. "Well I guess I have something to clean up now," Spike grumbled as he went to fetch his mop.

"Ugh!" Twilight moaned, "remind me to never drink Pinkie Pie's Party Punch ever again." She rolled back onto her back and nursed her water, slowly adjusting to the day. "What time is it anyway?"

"It's just after noon," Spike responded, "I would think enough time to sleep away some of that hangover but what the hay right."

"Oh craaaap!" Twilight wined, "I was supposed to have brunch with the princess today at eleven thirty. Can you take a letter please?"

"Well normally I wouldn't object but this time the Princess canceled before you could," Spike explained, "she sent a letter about an hour ago saying that her city was under attack and she couldn't make it. She also said something about her dry cleaning but I may have accidentally thrown away the note."

"Fuck her dry cleaning, I need to sleep this headache away," Twilight finished her water and closed her eyes. Suddenly she shot up in her bed. "Did you just say Canterlot was under attack?" she screamed as she realized the severity of the situation.

"Umm yeah, that's like the second thing I said after you woke up," Spike stated with a bit of annoyance in his voice, "maybe you should listen once in a while?"

"And maybe you should help me get my friends to Canterlot before all hope is lost," Twilight snapped back, "this is really serious Spike!"
=======

Chrysalis grew impatient with her love and went to search for him, leaving her army to pillage and loot all of the fine boutiques and restaurants the pony capitol had to offer. She ventured into the castle and began to climb the stairs, noticing a familiar scent which began to grow stronger with each step. She made it to the top floor to see smoke pouring out of a castle suite, and immediately knew were Discord was.  She opened the door and became slightly more infuriated.

"Oh come on," Chrysalis raged, "you found weed and instead of calling me you went to talk to the one pony I hate the most in the entire world?"

"Umm actually it's like my trees and you just interrupted Discord's story about how he defeated Rapid Dash the bold," Cadence explained.

"Well spoiler alert I heard the story before and it ends by Discord turning Rapid into a gigantic joint after he boasted about 'smoking' Discord in hoof in hoof combat," Chrysalis explained, "now come on we have a very tight schedule to keep and unlike SOMEONE I am always about my goals."

"You should turn her into raspberry jam since she's so sour," Cadence giggled at her own joke, "tehehe sour."

"Let me guess this pie is Shining Armor?" Chrysalis asked, her anger continuing to rise.

"Why yes it absolutely is," Discord grinned as he finished rolling a joint, "I wouldn't recommend eating him though."

"We have one threat left in this entire Faust forsaken country and the only pony we could have held hostage to thwart her is a pie?!?!?!" Chrysalis screamed, "I swear if I didn't know better I would think you weren't in this to win!"

Discord cringed at the notion of his love knowing the truth. "Would I have smashed Celestia's statue if I wasn't in it to win?" Discord asked, hoping that his lover wouldn't find out the truth about just how horrible that actually was for them. In fact, Celestia's statue was unbalanced from the initial freezing and tipped over on its own, leaving the princess who had planned the entire day as nothing but rubble.

"Y-y-y-you sm-smashed Celestia?" Chrysalis tried to force a smile, knowing that her life had been ruined but still trying to play the game, "thaaat's wonderful."

"You don't seem like you find it that wonderful," Discord questioned, "you were in cahoots with her all along weren't you? You had the same deal worked out as me and now it's ruined because the damn princess couldn't pick a better stance before I froze her."

"It's true," Chrysalis sobbed, "and now we are both going to be absolutely bucked because of you!"

"Yeah dude," Cadence added, "Twilight Sparkle is totally gonna kill you, and when Luna regains consciousness she's gonna totally support it. Boy that really sucks for you two doesn't it?"

"Yeah," Discord stated, "but at least I got to have fun and get stoned in a good way today."

"Why do we argue so much?" Chrysalis asked as she stared at the draconequus, "we should just stop this craziness and flee before the elements show up. We can live out our days in a cave for all I care."

"No darling, that's just not how I roll," Discord explained, "you can go and disguise yourself as a pony and live free for the rest of your days, but I must stay and fight."

"Well I might take you up on that offer," Chrysalis explained, "but first pass that joint this way and it had better not be any Reggie."
=======

Twilight Sparkle and her friends walked into the city of Canterlot, horrified at what they saw. Windows were broken, shops had been looted, a few small fires continued to burn, and an insurance company CEO was attempting to hang himself from a tree. "Ah would say yall should stop em but them insurance ponies are always out ta swindle yuh," Apple Jack explained as she noticed some of her friends look towards the crying unicorn, "why ah bet if we done saved him from suicide he's gonna sue us fer not lettin him go through with it."

"Normally I would disagree with Apple Jack," Rarity explained as she watched with a bit of anticipation as the pony completed his noose and climbed into the tree, "but I used to have a policy with that stallions company and I must say good riddance."

"Now that's what I like to hear," a tiny lizard with a strange accent shouted at them from the grass, "I am from Gecko Insurance and we can save you hundreds on everything from…"

A small crunching noise was heard as Fluttershy's hoof smashed the lizard in one quick motion. The rest of the mane six just stared. "I'm sure we can agree that this never happened," Fluttershy explained, "I just really hated that damned lizard."

"Wow you guys are kinda jerks," Rainbow Dash stated with a mixture of shock and admiration, "and it's about damn time you all DIDN'T want to be friends with someone. Speaking of which, where's Pinkie?" The pink earth pony was standing under the tree supporting the Insurance company executive to keep him from hanging himself, cracking jokes and trying to get him to be happy. "Oh Faust, let's get the tartarus out of here before she starts singing the Smile Song," Dash was less than pleased.

"Oh no it might be worse, she might decide to sing Don't Worry Be Happy," Rarity complained.

"Or she could just torture him into hanging himself faster by singing anything by Jimmy Buffet," Twilight added, "but that might just be me."

"Ah might as well put it out thar," Apple Jack admitted, "Ah feel the same damn way about country, that manure gets on mah gall durn nerves. Ah mean really ah just don't give a flying buck if yalls tractor raped yer wife and yer dog got abducted by aliens, it's just fake, depressing, bullshit." She noticed the strange looks she was getting from all of her friends and began to get flustered, "well buck yall too."
Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Twilight Sparkle all fell to the ground laughing at their friend's expense. "Well that's ok, I love gangster rap," Fluttershy whispered in Apple Jack's ear.
=======

"Hey losers your hit squad just showed up outside," Cadence stated from a window, "and boy do they look pissed!"

"Chrysalis, stay here, and after they kill me or melt me or turn me into stone, take your army back to the oasis and resume the democracy," Discord instructed as he walked out the door, "it has been fun, but we both know that we were never meant to win anything today anyway."

"You know I will always remember you," Chrysalis ran forward to hug her draconequus one last time, "you are truly the best villain to ever live."

"Darling you have no clue how much I love to hear you say that," Discord released himself from the hug and walked away towards his fate.
=======

"SHOW YOURSELF YOU COWARDLY BASTARD!" Twilight Sparkle shouted as loud as she could, "FACE THE ELEMENTS WITH SOME DIGNITY DISCORD AND YOUR DEATH WILL BE QUICK AND PAINLESS." She looked to her friends and whispered, "not really."

"Twi he's probably gone an started wreaking havoc in another part of Equestria by now," Apple Jack stated, "I mean really I say we need ta start lookin fer Chrysalis and her Changeling army here. This city is looted but not made of soap and cotton candy."

"Normally I would agree with you AJ," Twilight admitted, "but some part of me just knows he's here. You saw what happened to Celestia, only Discord could have done that. I just hope the Elements can heal her."

"They should be able to," Discord appeared in front of the ponies, "but you did promise quick and painless so I guess just go ahead and make it quick."

"Oh it's going to be quick but the painless thing was a bunch of manure," Twilight smirked as she and the rest of the Elements of Harmony got into formation. "Any last words," Twilight added as the ponies began to levitate off of the ground. The beam charged, drawing up all of the magical energy in Equestria for one brief burst of magic more powerful than anyone could ever comprehend.

"NOOOOOO!" screamed Chrysalis as she jumped out in front of the beam, taking the hit for Discord. "What the buck?" She questioned as she stood up unscathed, "I was expecting to be vaporized on the spot, what happened?"

"Oh no," Pinkie Pie frowned, "the elements cannot interfere with anything that is truly harmonious."

"Wait, how did you know that?" Twilight asked.

"What did you think, that I'm ignorant just because I get wasted all the time?" Pinkie questioned, "remember who found that book in your library when we saved the world from a rampaging Nightmare Moon."

"Oh wow and here I thought that Pinkie was dumb," Rainbow Dash claimed, receiving a dirty look from the pink pony. "And speaking of Night Mare Moon, what the heck happened to Princess Luna?"
=======

"OOWWW!" Luna moaned as she regained consciousness from the spot where she had fallen only hours earlier, "oh Faust my head."
=======

"So wait, Luna is injured, Cadence is stoned, Celestia is rubble, Shining Armor is a pie, the Elements of Harmony didn't work, and I already have twenty thousand Changelings occupying Manehattan and Fillydelphia," Chrysalis reasoned as her changelings tied up the only ponies who could have saved Equestria, "so what does this mean?"

"Umm Chrys, I think that means we won," Discord added with mixed emotions.

"But we never win, and we were supposed to lose this time," Chrysalis frowned, "how come we set up everything to fail and still succeeded?"

"I-I-I seriously just don't get it," Discord stated, "how could have Celestia's plan have failed?"

"We finally did it, but what exactly did we do?" Chrysalis questioned, "we won but at what cost?"
> Part 5
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Look more shipping! See I didn’t leave you hangin… 

The Elements of Harmony tmhasbro had been defeated by Discord and Chrysalis’ love, I know cliché isn’t it? The massive changeling army took every pony city one by one. Over the course of a few hours the newly promoted commanders’ strategy of deliberate confusion fooled the ponies by tricking them into beating each other senseless.  Now in an incredibly high position of power, the most horribly shipped MLP tmhasbro couple finds themselves looking at all the possibilities.

“Oh wow this is even bigger than my last palace!” Chrysalis shouted down the massive hallway, “One can only imagine the number of slaves who died making this place.”

“Wow… Chrys, really?” Discord sneered, “you know the earth ponies are still really sensitive about that and we just conquered them, I mean really I thought we gave up on being tyrannical.”

“Seriously Discord?” Chrysalis screamed back, “you are the one who enslaved them remember?”

“Oh yeah,” Discord chuckled, “I did build the first Canterlot on the backs of a hundred thousand forced laborers didn’t I? Boy I guess I did deserve to spend a thousand years as a statue.”

“Yeah, you doing that to ponies makes my sacrifice of so many changelings in conquering this stupid Empire seem like nothing,” Chrysalis grinned, “I guess we run the world now, isn’t this every villain’s dream?”

“I just love the showmanship and conquest,” Discord admitted, “I have never liked the part where I actually run the world.”

“Oh yeah, I truly am a horrible leader,” Chrysalis confessed, “the great thing about absolute monarchies is that no one else is allowed to say anything about it.”

“Maybe we really should try and do it the right way this time.” Discord cringed at the thought of actually ruling a country without torturing its subjects, “we really should make a couple of speeches or something to touch base with the populace. Maybe reward your soldiers if they return looted property and… oh who am I kidding let’s just scare the crap out of everyone and wait until some spell or something restores Celestia.”

“Good Faust our lives are predictable,” Chrysalis pouted, “let’s just have fun this time.”

“Gigantic stone monument of our glory?” Discord asked with a gigantic smile.

“Damn Discord when did you start reading my thoughts?” Chrysalis laughed (yolo).
=======

Luna limped her way through the tattered streets, if her sister’s plan was correct then Celestia’s statue would be up just one more city block. ‘Of course,’ Luna thought ‘I did fall from fifteen feet higher than I agreed to but Celestia would never miscalculate her own downfall.’ The princess of the night made her way around the block, where she saw the debris. “Oh my Faust!” Luna screamed at the horrible sight of her sister’s shattered statue, “WHY? Why? Why would you intentionally deviate from your original plan like this Tia? I have such a bucking headache right now and you are making me do a reassembly spell. That’s top grade magic and I’m in serious pain, but I know how you get.”

Luna remembered what happened the last time she tried to disagree with her sister, shuddering at the thought of spending another thousand years on the moon. “You know what I just want something for all of this just once Tia.” She reared up on her hind legs and took in energy from the universe around her. A white aura shined around Luna, feeding her a massive amount of energy, changing her eyes from their usual color to a bright white. She blasted the rubble, collapsing on the ground in pain as she watched her magic take hold. 

Celestia reassembled in front of her sister, coming out as flawless as ever. “I love how you always come through for me Luna,” Celestia smiled as she approached her sister, “let’s get you some medical help and then take back our throne. How does a nice new defense tax sound?”

Luna’s magic had been used up, leaving her as a small, light blue filly. She looked up from the spot where she laid in pain, staring her sister in the eyes. “By defense tax do you mean we pocket half of it for ourselves?” Luna smiled at the thought of more money.

“Half? I was thinking more like three quarters,” Celestia laughed, “how would you like that?”

“I’d like that a lot Tia,” Luna managed to squeak out before losing consciousness.
=======

“Oh Faust my miserable head,” Twilight wined from inside of her cell in the castle catacombs, “I can’t believe you gave us acid the other night Pinkie, we haven’t had any proper sleep and I have been dehydrated this whole time. Seriously why would you do this to me?”

“How was I supposed to know that we would get caught up in all of this,” Pinkie’s hair deflated from its usual puffiness, “I just thought it would be fun to try, but I guess I got about twenty ponies high against their will huh?”

“Yes you triflin’ ass bitch,” Apple Jack shouted, “you’re supposed ta ask first before ya go an drug a whole damn party!”

“I’m sorry that I got us into this mess,” Pinkie began to cry, “if it wasn’t for me at least we all wouldn’t feel like doo doo right now.”

“But we would still be in the catacombs in separate cells with very little food or water and nothing but the floor to sleep on either way,” Fluttershy reasoned, “I think I’m just going to make the most of this like Biggie Smalls did and write a rap album.”

“Well shit I guess I should just hang myself… except I don’t have anything to do it with,” Rainbow Dash complained, “this whole situation couldn’t be any less awesome.”

Suddenly a changeling guard came around the corner. “All of you have been requested by her royal highness Queen Chrysalis of the changelings and Equestria and her co Emperor Discord in the throne room in five minutes. Come with me.”

“Stupid writer’s stupid plot devices,” Pinkie Pie grumbled as the guard put her in shackles.
=======

“Ok you impudent little swine!” Chrysalis addressed her new subjects from the palace balcony, “you insignificant specks of stupidity, you little walking vaginas with horns! It has come to my attention that this bullshit constitutional monarchy needs a little bit of an overhaul, so from this point forward I hereby disband the pony parliament, overturn the marena-carta, and decree you all to be enslaved to myself and Discord until further notice.”

Chrysalis knew the deep seething hatred she was stirring up in the crowd, in fact the changeling knew it all too well. The murmers of revolt, the angry looks on pony faces, and the negative energy were all familiar to her, and not concerning in the least. “Therefore, as your new queen I hereby decree that a monument to this conquest be built in the center of Canterlot square! A twenty foot high, golden statue of Discord and myself, sitting atop a ten foot high pile of golden skulls, with a massive base and a plaque that says ‘neh neh neh boo boo… ponies eat their own doo doo’. Thus says your queen!”

The outrage was very clear from the moment she accused ponies of consuming their own feces, and Chrysalis was trying her best to stifle her laughter. She walked back inside of the palace, hearing the ponies of Canterlot shout horrible things toward her. “So babe, I can guess from the sound of the mob outside that it went exactly as planned?” Discord asked as Chrysalis began to lose her composure and start laughing.

“I called them walking vaginas with horns!” the changeling queen chortled, “I said they eat their own crap and called them impudent swine. Oh it was absolutely fantastic doing that whole evil conqueror bit again.”

“I’m glad to hear you’re enjoying yourself,” Discord smiled as he pulled out a joint, “and speaking of enjoying…”

“Of course I’d like to smoke with you,” Chrysalis smiled, “but that little joint reminded me, what happened to Princess Cadence? Have you checked on her today?”

Discord cringed, thinking of the best way to break bad news to his special somepony. “Well I certainly did check on the princess,” Discord struggled to say, “and… well… I really don’t know how to say this.”

“What happened?” Chrysalis stared at the draconequus.

“Well, I guess the spell I put on Cadence left her higher than I ever thought possible,” Discord admitted, “and even though we shared a pizza with her, she was still hungry. I never changed Shining Armor back from that chess pie, and she didn’t quit smoking all day and night yesterday.”

“Oh boy, so she ate a part of the Royal Guard Captain,” Chrysalis frowned, “the last thing we need is to reassemble Shining Armor and he’s missing a leg or a kidney or a chunk of his head.”

“We won’t have that problem,” Discord sheepishly grinned, “Cadence ate the whole damn thing, probably two hundred pounds of chess pie, gone between one yesterday afternoon and three today.”

“How the tartarus is that even possible?” Chrysalis shouted in disbelief, “Shining Armor’s wife ate every single piece of him in the matter of a day? Does she still have twelve pounds of herb upstairs?”

“More like eight,” Discord admitted, “that pony hasn’t stopped smoking since we got here. Probably a good thing considering the pain any normal pony would be in after eating their Faust damned husband.”

“Oh boy,” Chrysalis tried to think, “I guess at least we know one thing.”

“What’s that?” Discord asked.

“We know that Cadence can’t escape because she’s definitely far too bloated to fly, and Shining Armor can’t escape because he’s inside of her,” Chrysalis reasoned.

“Yeah well, I guess I can always try and change him back after digestion,” Discord shuddered at the concept of Shiny Sparkle being turned into the most disgusting thing ever, “we should probably tell Twilight and her friends at the very least.”
=======

A small time Canterlot doctor sat at home with his family, huddled on the floor waiting for whatever horrible thing to happen next, when a knock was heard at his door. ‘Bucking great, I bet it’s a roaming death squad sent here by that changeling bitch to kill my family’, he thought as he slowly walked toward the door, ‘I guess the best I can hope for is that they will kill me first so I don’t have to watch the kids go’. He opened the door and was shocked to see the ponies waiting on the other side. “Sweet Faust it’s you!” he spoke quietly as he dropped to the floor and cried tears of joy, “praise Faust for this glorious day, our princesses live.”

“Yes, but I think Luna has some head trauma,” Celestia coldly added, less than impressed by the stallion’s display, “she fell about sixty feet into a brick house… but my sister is one tough cookie.”

“Please bring her in,” the doctor stepped aside and held his door open, “we have a guest bedroom down the hall, hardly befitting a princess but…”

“Hardly,” Celestia agreed.

“Daddy is that who I think it is?” the doctor’s small daughter asked.

“Yes darling, but the princesses deserve our privacy if nothing else,” the doctor stated as Celestia made her way to the guest room with Luna on her back, “you may only talk to the princess if she speaks to you first, do you understand?”

“Yes daddy,” the filly agreed.

Celestia laid Luna down gently onto the bed, watching her sister’s shallow breathing. The doctor grabbed his medical kit and walked back into the bedroom, giving Celestia a nod before sanitizing his front hooves and putting on a medical mask. He got to work, checking the night princess as delicately as he could for any health problems. “I did a case study on the health of an alicorn as compared to a normal pony in college,” the doctor explained, “and from my knowledge of the subject I can tell you that certain things are more fragile because of your delicate frames.”

“Fragile, ha,” Celestia chuckled at the notion of anything on her being more fragile than a regular pony.

“I wouldn’t laugh just yet,” the doctor explained, “it seems as though alicorns can survive almost anything, however this is only because your magic is incredibly powerful. With your sister it appears as though she has used a large quantity of magic shortly after receiving a massive blow to her delicate system.”

“Well yeah, she had to reconstitute me from rubble,” Celestia explained, “that’s probably the only spell no unicorn possesses the ability to do. Also we had planned to have her fall about fifty feet into a hay roof, she fell about sixty-five and hit a support beam.”

“Well that explains everything then,” the doctor explained, “Luna’s magic is functioning at about a third of its usual capacity, she has a broken back leg, six broken ribs, some hairline fractures in her skull, and obviously brain damage, but without any MRI’s or X-Rays I can’t really tell how severe. If she remains unconscious too much longer it could be fatal.”

“Nah,” Celestia laughed, “I’ve seen her take way worse before. If she has a third of her magic she will be mostly healed in about six hours or so.”

“I will still set the leg for a cast and get her an IV for some fluids,” the doctor reasoned, “even if she regains consciousness in six hours the ribs will take at least twenty four. This leg concerns me, a lesser pony would need that amputated, however with Luna I would say two weeks minimum. I will need to give her some booster shots for…”

“You know for a fact that no member of my family has ever gotten any kind of infection before, I read the Case Study,” Celestia stated, “why would Luna need a vaccination for normal ponies?”

“Unicorns get infections and as of right now her magic is only about fifty percent more powerful than that of an average unicorn,” the doctor explained, “as a medical professional I must see to it that I take every possible precaution.” The doctor paused for a moment and tried his hardest to hide a gigantic smile. “I am absolutely honored that you read my Case Study by the way,” he added.

“Oh you didn’t think I just went to a random pony’s house and asked for medical attention did you?” Celestia asked.

“Well… I… Uh?” the doctor stammered out.

“Well I believe I would like some tea if you have it,” Celestia smiled, “I take two sugar cubes and a lemon wedge.”
=======

Twilight Sparkle was less than happy. Her body was dehydrated and still felt some of the effects of her experience the other night, her head throbbed from not sleeping, and she was fairly certain that she stunk. Her friends weren’t much better as they stood in a throne room with shackles on all of their hooves awaiting probable torture at the claw and paw of the most evil being to ever walk on Equestrian soil. As Chrysalis and Discord entered the room laughing, the elements of harmony tensed up, afraid of what might happen next.

“You know the whole impudent swine thing cracks me up every time,” Discord chuckled as he approached the pony element bearers. He reached down towards Twilight Sparkle, who shuddered at her nemesis and closed her eyes. She was shocked to find that she was unharmed and her shackles gone. “What did you think? That I was going to kill you or something.” 

“Well, yeah,” Twilight sheepishly admitted, “you are evil incarnate.”

“Hahaha splendid,” Chrysalis laughed, “I guess that settles it, I’m just bad and Discord is actually evil incarnate.”

“I think I owe you five bits now,” Discord chuckled.

“So can we go or is there some nefarious plan to send us on a quest to our dooms?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Oh you all can go in just a second with no negative repercussions… there’s just one thing I need to tell you first,” Discord claimed as the expression on his face became slightly more grim, “or well, I guess we could just show you.”

Chrysalis stepped aside, revealing a massively bloated version of Princess Cadence, sitting on top of her own stomach, smoking what had to be at least her fiftieth blunt of the day. “Oh my Faust, she’s having triplets and my asshole brother didn’t tell me,” Twilight smiled, “I’m so happy for you Cadence, but why are you smoking?”

“Because there is only one pony inside of her and it’s your brother,” Chrysalis began to crack up at Twilight’s facial expression.

“And here I thought this might be a DELICATE situation,” Discord sneered, “well I guess I would like to start by telling all of you that I harbor no ill will, the past is done and now is all there is.”

“But what in tarnation happened?” Applejack shouted, “Cadence aint just eat Shiny on her own free will.”

“Well I did,” Cadence admitted as she rubbed her massive belly, “and he was really tasty.”

“I turned him into a chess pie and left them alone,” Discord admitted, “I really had no idea that this would happen,  but I guess I need to wait until… well you know.”

“He means he’s waiting for her to poop!” Pinkie Pie laughed, “you can just say it, this is the funniest possible thing that could have happened.”

“Yeah… totally,” Cadence admitted as she opened up a candy bar wrapper

“She ate a two hundred pound chess pie earlier, and the damn princess is still eating,” Chrysalis whispered into Discord’s ear, “I think I figured it out, Celestia controls the sun, Luna controls the moon, and Cadence controls diabetes.”
Discord tried to stifle a laugh. “Could you please take this a little bit seriously, there is a chance that I won’t be able to reconstitute him.”

The expression on Twilight’s face was one of absolute horror. “Are you saying that my brother is dead?” she asked.
“I’m saying that if he isn’t then he probably wishes he is,” Chrysalis laughed.

“Actually when a pony is changed into something inanimate, they enter a comatose state so he doesn’t feel a thing,” Discord tried to help Twilight look at the bright side, “I just have never reconstituted a pony after digestion before so there is a slim chance that he won’t make it. I just felt it was the right thing to tell you.”

“And since when are you interested in doing the right thing?” Rarity asked. 

Discord just looked at Chrysalis and shrugged, “well I guess we all have to grow up sooner or later… I just happen to be a thousand years late.”
=======

Luna stirred in her bed, slowly returning to consciousness. “Ooooh my head,” the night princess moaned as she tried to sit up.

“Please lie down,” the Doctor politely explained, “your body has been through quite a bit of trauma in the past forty eight hours and it’s best to do as little as possible until you are fully healed.”

“Ok, but where’s Tia?” Luna groggily asked.

“She brought you here and did everything she could for you, but your sister said that in order for her plan to be brought to fruition that she needed to leave to prepare,” the Doctor stated with some confusion on his end, “I asked her what she meant and she said you would know. All this happened about an hour ago.”

“Yeah, she’s pretty anal about planning things through til the end,” Luna admitted, “I just hope she wasn’t rude to you.”

“Oh she was,” the doctor smiled, “but she might have given me the confidence I need to pursue a private practice. Now if you don’t mind she mentioned that you would wake up in about six hours and it’s been exactly five hours and forty eight minutes, so I need to do a couple more tests.”

“Classic Tia,” Luna chuckled.
=======
“OH YES!” Chrysalis screamed as she climaxed, her hooves curling in and her whole body tensing up for that one brief moment. 

“Bam! Bam! Bam!” Discord shouted as he finished, rolling off of Chrysalis to take a breath, “well I guess this makes six different bedrooms we’ve had sex in today. Want to go and try out the master suite?”

“Are you TRYING to make me obese?” Chrysalis asked as she heavily breathed and sweated all over the sheets.

“No darling, but having all this sex with you has definitely made my day,” Discord smiled as he lit up another joint, “damn these royal ponies have good weed.”

“I’ve told you before on multiple occasions,” Chrysalis explained, “all of this love you have for me is going straight to my ass. I’m so full from your love today that if we fuck again I will probably throw up.”

“Who ever said this additional weight looked bad?” Discord teased as he passed the joint, “I personally think it’s downright sexy.”

“But I’m so bloated right now,” Chrysalis smiled, “I’m so full already. If we go again I’m going to end up looking like Cadence.”

Discord snapped his fingers and transported the pair from the ambassador suite to the master bedroom. Lying on Celestia’s massive, plush, luxurious bed felt heavenly. Chrysalis was thoroughly stoned and wanted Discord to pound her into next week, but was using every inch of will power to keep from increasing the already ridiculous amount of nutrients in her system. She already knew that tomorrow her fat ass would be fatter, but Discord was persistent. He caressed her in his arms, chuckling as she tried to squirm away. The draconequus kissed every inch of the changeling’s body, tenderly sucking and licking her everywhere. “Resistance is futile,” Discord commanded as he rolled on top of Chrysalis, “surrender to my will or have it forced upon you!”

“Well, here we go again,” Chrysalis sighed as the pair began to make love for the seventh time.
=======

The bearers of the Elements of Harmony tmhasbro sat in Cadence’s room, smoking blunts and watching late night television on her Hooflix account. With a bedroom full of munchies and seven pounds of the finest chronic in Canterlot at their side, the mane six were more than happy with the outcome of their day thus far. “Oh I’m so glad I got to nap and shower,” Twilight grinned, “and this smoke cleared my headache right up. Boy you royal ponies have the best weed.”

“The best weed outside of the kush mah brother grows at Sweet Apple Acres,” Applejack corrected.

“No this is even better than sweet appleicious,” Cadence explained, “no other weed has ever made me eat my own husband before.”

“Well ah reckon that’s true,” Applejack agreed.

“So is this what you little turds do while I’m gone?” Princess Celestia walked into the smoke filled room with a sour expression on her face, “you trash the palace, eat all my munchies, smoke all the weed Hadrian left me, and watch hooflix?”

“Umm yeah?” Cadence sheepishly grinned, “I also ate my husband.”

“Well that explains why you got so bucking fat in such a short amount of time,” Celestia walked up to the princess of love and poked at her fat rolls, “you’re absolutely disgusting Cadence.”

“So did you come back to reclaim your rightful place as princess?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“No I came back to smoke weed and watch hooflix with you lazy mother buckers,” Celestia sarcastically claimed.

“Well here ya go,” Pinkie passed the joint, “we were about to watch Half Baked if you’re interested.”

“I have seen that too many times to ever be interested,” Celestia frowned, “so elements of dumbassity, can you tell me where Discord is or do I just have to find him myself.”

“He’s having relations with Chrysalis in every room of the castle,” Twilight explained.

“Oh boy… he had better not be in my master suite,” Celestia rolled her eyes and walked away, “you can all go home now, but I expect some compensation for all the food you ate and all the weed you smoked understand?”

“Yes Princess Celestia,” they answered in unison.

“But princess, I need to stay and make sure my brother’s all right,” Twilight explained, “he needs reconstituted when Cadence... well you know.”

“Fine, but the rest of you need to get the buck out and go home,” Celestia sneered, “I will go deal with those stupid villains.”

“And I will go release Shining Armor,” Cadence added as she began to happily roll towards the bathroom. Everypony else just looked at her with disgust. 
=======

Discord slept next to his lover, holding her in his arms and smelling her delicate hair while he slept. Sure the two of them had their differences, but Chrysalis was the love of his life, and there would be nothing that could ever change that. Discord smelled a familiar stench wafting into the room and grinned. Cannabis sativa was one thing that he always knew too well. He heard a few noises and ignored them, assuming that any threat would be dealt with by the changeling guards. All seemed right until the God of Chaos heard a small clicking noise like a bullet being loaded into the chamber of a gun. He snapped awake, stirring his lover in the process.

“Oh my Faust,” Discord cringed at the visage standing at the foot of the bed, “It was an accident I swear.”

Chrysalis awoke and screamed at the sight. Celestia sat at the foot of her bed, a shotgun levitated in front of her as she smoked Pinkie Pie’s joint. “So you really thought you could get away with taking over my kingdom huh?” the princess cocked her gun, “and here I actually thought you two were smart sometimes.”

“I-i-i-it was an accident!” Discord reassured the princess, “I knew you had some kind of contingency plan Tia, honest. We were only trying to have some fun until you returned.”

“Y-yeah,” Chrysalis confirmed, “we wanted to scare your subjects a little bit… that’s what you wanted us to do right?”

“Well I suppose so,” Celestia began to grin as she set down her weapon, “and you two did a damn good job at that. But I just needed to put you turds in your place for messing up my clean sheets!”

“They certainly aren’t clean anymore,” Chrysalis blushed.

Celestia laughed at the changeling’s accident. “Some evil queen you are,” she continued to chuckle, “I must say, thanks to this little fiasco I’ll be able to add some big taxes to the government agenda.” She tossed a set of keys to the couple, “here’s that Manehattan penthouse I promised. It’s stocked with food and drinks to last a while, along with about a half-pound of my personal stash.” Celestia reached for her gun one more time, “now get the tartarus out of my bedroom before I leave changeling brain stains on my wall. AND you owe me a new set of sheets; those were eight hundred thread count… not cheap.”
=======

Celestia, Twilight, Chrysalis, and Discord stood outside of Cadence’s bathroom waiting for the princess of love to finish her business. It had been an hour and she was still on the toilet, making Discord more anxious with each passing second. Finally, the sound of hoof washing was heard and Discord breathed a sigh of relief. Cadence emerged, still very overweight but able to walk once again. “Normally I would advise against going in there for about the next forty five minutes or so,” Cadence admitted, “but desperate times call for desperate measures.” She shoved Discord into the bathroom and grinned, “I know you all think I’m a horrible pony now, and I truly don’t care. That felt better than any one of you could possibly imagine.”

Discord stared at the two hundred pound crap in front of him and struggled to not throw up. He waved his claw and paw in front of the stool, hoping with everything he could that his magic didn’t fail him now. He mumbled some words in old ponish and released a massive amount of energy, undoing all of his previous enchantments that turned his enemies into edible foodstuffs. He smiled at the unicorn in the toilet bowl. “Success!” he cheered as he turned to leave.

“Eeeewwww,” Shining Armor cringed, “this is the grossest damn thing to ever happen to me by far.”

“Shining Armor Sparkle I command you to take a shower immediately!” Celestia shouted at her royal guard captain, “and rinse out the shower when you are done. I am going to burn my sheets but when I come back to this suite we shall smoke some more herb and watch Half Baked.”

“But I thought you said you have seen Half Baked too many times to count,” Twilight questioned.

“I have, but I will watch it again,” Celestia explained, “I love the movie, I just hate dealing with all of your annoying ass friends at once. Oh and Discord, be a dear and bring Luna back here for me. Tonight we will enjoy ourselves and tomorrow I will tell the public the harrowing tale of how Luna and I defeated you two with… I don’t know the magic of family or something stupid like that. In the meantime can you all tell me what you learned from this experience?”

“Princess Celestia is always in control and we are nothing but her pawns,” the group stated in unison.

“Very good,” Celestia smiled, “I think they are finally starting to get it.”