Is perfect fuel for killing tiny cowards!
My Leetle Pony: Sandvich is Delicious!
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“Baloney is perfect fuel for killing tiny cowards!” The Heavy rumbled loudly, pausing to take another bite from his very delicious sandwich.
After he was finished, Heavy leveled ‘Sasha’ and held down the trigger, spewing hot lead at a few members of the BLU team who were trying to capture the control point. Heavy had himself a good long laugh as the members of BLU team met their fate via two-hundred dollar custom tooled cartridges.
But all good things must come to an end, and it wasn’t as if Sasha had an infinite supply of ammunition. As Sasha began to run perilously low on ammo, Heavy turned his head to the Engineer who was busy constructin a sentry.
“Engineer!” Heavy called over the roar of Sasha.
“What?” Engineer asked back.
Heavy pointed a finger at the ground, holding Sasha with one hand, “Put Dis...” But heavy was unable to finish as a bullet found a nest in his skull. It entered one side and exited the other, a trail of red grey matter and bone chasing it away.
“Standin around like a bloody idiot,” BLU’s sniper said as he cycled in a fresh round.
Heavy soon respawned, but something was not right.
“Sandvich?” Heavy asked, patting himself down and looking for his delectable delicacy of baloney and bread, “Sandvich!” the Heavy said again, this time with fear edging his voice.
As realization dawned on him, Heavy fell to his knees, staring up towards the ceiling of the spawn room, "Sandviiiiiiich!" He cried.
But the Sandvich was gone...at least from one world.
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Somehow, in the dimension where the members of RED and BLU teams awaited respawn, a certain Sandwich had been left behind. It was trapped in this world between worlds and would have stayed there if a certain storyline hadn’t needed it elsewhere.
And so, instead of an infinite stay in respawn purgatory, something else happened. Something, for lack of a better word, magical happened. Sandvich was ripped from the infinite darkness of respawn purgatory and blasted into a whole nother plane of existence.
With the suddenness of the splitting of the atom, Sandvich popped back into existence. Not in the realm of Team Fortress Two, but in the realm...of Ponies.
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Sandvich was falling, falling very fast. So fast that if he had not had a toothpick holding him together, he would have come apart right there and then.
It was upon thinking this that Sandvich realized something: he was alive!
But falling was more noticeable and the now-alive food item gave a mighty yell as he plunged down towards the earth. Sandvich’s life passed before his lone olive, perched atop a toothpick, which served as an optical organ. He was suddenly aware of all the good times he had had with heavy, all the times the fat Russian had gobbled him up, often complementing his delicious taste.
Sandvich’s screaming came to an abrupt halt as he impacted the ground, surprisingly not splattering upon the ground.
“I am alive?” Sandvich inquired, his voice exactly like the Heavy’s, “How could this happen?” Sandvich had expected to splatter on impact, but here he was, safe and sound.
As fate and the author would have it, Pinkie Pie took that time to pass by Sandvich.
“A pony!” Sandvich exclaimed, his ‘eye’ staring up at the pink pony.
“A sandwich!” Pinkie exclaimed, looking down at the delicacy.
“Da,” Sandvich confirmed, “I am sandvich! Eat me!”
Pinkie shrugged, “Okay,” she replied and picked Sandvich up in her hooves, bringing him to her face.
Yet before the Pink Pony could eat up the delicious delicacy, she noticed one particular ingredient in Sandvich.
“Baloney?” Pinkie asked, making a grossed out face, “Gross, I can’t eat that!”
“What!” Sandvich exclaimed, she had just insulted baloney! Oh the blasphemy! “But...but, baloney is perfect fuel for killing tiny cowards!”
“Tiny cow herds?” Pinkie inquired, holding Sandvich with one hoof while placing the other under her chin and pondering, “Would that be a tiny herd of cows? Or a herd of tiny cows? And why would you want to kill them? That isn’t nice.”
Sandvich opened his two slices of bread to speak, the fillings curving like a tongue to form the words, but he suddenly realized something. Why was killing tiny cowards good? Heavy had never explained his reasoning behind it, just that baloney was the perfect fuel for it.
Sandvich quickly gave up on pondering the reasoning behind killing tiny cowards and therefore the whole meaning of his existence, changing the subject.
“We must find someone to eat me. I am Sandvich!” Sandvich declared.
“You mean somepony?” Pinkie offered helpfully.
“Nyet, ponies do not eat meat,” Sandvich replied.
“Okie dokie lokie,” Pinkie replied, placing Sandvich on her back, “Maybe Twilight will know something that can eat you.”
“Da!” Sandvich agreed as Pinkie trotted off, “Wait, who is this Twilight?”
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“Equations of Equestrian Economics goes under...Textbooks,” Twilight narrated, magicking the book into the correct space “The Life and Times of Starswirl the Bearded goes under...History.”
The eggheaded, or well read, mare would have continued had a certain pony not burst through the door at that moment.
Twilight halted the books she still had to sort in midair as she looked to the door and the mare who had just used it.
“Hey, Pinkie. Here for a book?” She asked with a friendly smile.
“Nope, I came here to find out what creatures in Equestria might be able to eat meat,” Pinkie replied.
Twilight raised an eyebrow, “Why would you need to know that?”
Pinkie reached behind her and held Sandvich before her, presenting him to Twilight, “Ta-da!” She proclaimed, setting Sandvich on the floor, facing Twilight.
Twilight’s eyebrow raised even further as her eyes darted from Sandvich to Pinkie Pie, “Pinkie, what...”
“I am Sandvich, eat me,” Sandvich said.
Twilight cried out, hopping backwards and pointing a hoof at Sandvich as if he were some demon from the firey pits of Tartarus.
“Did that sandwich just talk!?” She exclaimed.
“Da,” Sandvich replied.
Twilight’s scared shitless posture suddenly changed as she realized something, “Wait a second, a talking sandwich...this is amazing!” Twilight cantered forth and lifted Sandvich to her face for examination, “This isn’t scientifically possible! You aren’t scientifically possible!” she pointed a hoof at Sandvich, “You’re just an assembly of bread, lettuce, tomato, cheese, and...ew, meat.”
“But baloney is perfect fuel for killing tiny cowards!” Sandvich complained.
Twilight found one of her eyebrows raising again, “Right...Pinkie,” Twilight turned to see the mare in question making faces at herself in a mirror.
Both Pinkies, the one in the mirror as well as the normal, or more accurately, the real one, looked at Twilight.
“Where did you find this?” Twilight asked.
“He was just lying on the road,” Pinkie replied, trotting over to Twilight and Sandvich, “I was just trotting along when all of a sudden I saw him laying there. He was like, ‘A pony!’ and I was like, ‘A sandwich!’ and he was like ‘Da. I am Sandvich! Eat me!’ So I was like, ‘Okay.’ But then I saw that he had meat in him and I was like, ‘Baloney? Gross, I can’t eat that.’ So he was all ‘What? But...but baloney is perfect fuel for killing tiny cowards!’ So then I said, ‘Tiny cow herds? Would that be a tiny herd of cows? Or a herd of tiny cows? And why would you want to kill them? That isn't nice.’ And then...” the rest of Pinkie’s grand tale was drowned out by Twilight’s hoof.
“Pinkie,” Twilight said in an annoyed voice.
“Yeff?” Pinkie asked, drooling on Twilight’s hoof, causing her to quickly remove said hoof from Pinkie’s oral orifice.
“So you don’t know where this sandwich came from?” Twilight asked, shaking the drool off her hoof.
“I have no idea,” Pinkie replied cheerfully.
“Hmm,” Twilight thought to herself before coming up with an idea, “To the basement!” she declared, opening the door to the treehouse's lower levels and carrying Sandvich with her via magic as she rushed down the stairs for testing.
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“Ya da da da da da da da da, ya da da da da da da da da, doo doo do boy da da da da da!” Sandvich sung a song he had heard Heavy sing before.
Twilight had an annoyed face plastered onto her head as she searched around for the brainwave scanner that she had once used on Pinkie.
“Come, sing with me!” Sandvich declared before breaking out into more of the annoying gibberish. Pinkie Pie joined in, providing a duet of annoying voices.
“Will you two please be QUIET!” Twilight yelled, having lost her patience. She finally found the device and turned, levitating it towards Sandvich.
“Uh-oh!” Sandvich responded, “Run!” He began to hop away, propelling himself by exerting force through the lower bread slice.
“No!” Twilight grumbled, slamming the brainwave scanner over Sandvich, trapping him under the dome-shaped device, “You stay right there and be quiet while I run these tests.”
"Horosho," Sandvich sighed from within the device.
"Gesundheit," Pinkie said helpfully.
Twilight trotted over to the 'brain' of the brainwave scanner and flicked it on. When nothing happened, she began examining the machine to find out what was wrong.
“Are you a doctor?” Sandvich asked from inside his scientific, metal prison.
“What?” Twilight directed the question over her shoulder, “Am I a what?”
“Doctor?”
“No, now be quiet,” Twilight looked around the back and saw that the cords were unplugged, “Oh,” she stated simply and levitated them into their sockets.
“Are you a spy?”
Twilight grumbled and flipped some switches on, “No.”
The machine came to life and Twilight looked from the entrapped Sandvich to the scanner and back. The machine started rolling out data from the readings it was getting from Sandvich.
Twilight scanned over the readings with an intense expression on her face.
“Ooh!” Pinkie said as the machine spat out the paper, “What does it say?”
“According to these readings...” Twilight said, reading over the data.
“Yes?” Pinkie leaned closer.
“That sandwich is...”
“Yes?” Pinkie flopped forwards as she leaned even further towards Twilight.
“...very delicious?” Twilight slapped on her ‘what!?’ face, “What!?” she exclaimed, “How...how is that even a reading? ‘Very delicious?’ What kinda data is that!?” Twilight grumbled in annoyance, pulling the cords and stopping the machine. She stomped closer to Sandvich and pulled the brainwave scanner off him before magicking him to her face, “How can you be alive? You don’t have any form of organs and yet you’re obviously alive! How is that possible!?”
Sandvich pondered that a moment, pursing his bready lips as he considered all the possibilities.
“Eat me,” he finally said.
“No!” Twilight yelled, throwing Sandvich across the room.
Sandvich yelled out before slapping against the wall and then flopping onto the ground.
“Twilight, how is this helping Sandvich find something to eat him?” Pinkie asked, “Ponies can’t eat him, so what can?”
“Pinkie, we need to find out more about this...thing. We can’t just let it go to waste! Besides, getting eaten would destroy it! Why would something want to destroy itself? That’s the opposite of all things logical! Nothing exists so that it can be destroyed,” Twilight reasoned, gripping Pinkie’s shoulders with her forelegs and looking into her eyes with the intensity of a mad scientist.
“But don’t you get it, Twilight?” Pinkie asked, she trotted over to Sandvich, causing Twilight to flail her forelegs and then fall down. Pinkie picked up the Sandvich and placed him on her back, “He's a sandwich, sandwiches are meant to be eaten! My purpose in life is to make cupcakes and throw parties and make ponies everywhere happy! But he's a sandwich, his purpose in life is to get eaten by somepony...or something and provide them nutrition.”
Pinkie began to hop towards the door. Twilight, however, had other plans.
She teleported in front of the door that led back to the library, “Pinkie, where are you going?”
“I’m taking Sandvich to find something to eat him,” Pinkie replied happily.
“Ohh no,” Twilight said, “I’m not done with my...” her face darkened and her eye twitched, “...examinations!”
Pinkie opened her mouth to reply, but her Pinkie sense kicked in, “Ear flop, eye flutter, knee twitch,” Pinkie narrated her body’s actions.
Twilight’s insane smile vanished and she threw a look behind her before giving an annoyed sigh of defeat, “Look out for opening do...” Twilight’s annoyed voice was turned to a quick yelp of fear as the door blasted open, throwing her into the basement below.
“Hey, Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash greeted, “You seen Twilight around? She’s supposed to have the next Daring Do book in today!”
“Yep,” Pinkie pointed down to where Twilight was seeing stars on the basement floor.
Pinkie and Sandvich made their way outside the library.
“Eat me,” Sandvich said.
“I can’t eat you,” Pinkie replied as if Sandvich had not said it a hundred times before, “But I think I know somepony who will know something that can!”
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Fluttershy was busy feeding her animals when a knock came from the door.
“I wonder who that could be,” She thought aloud. The pegasus poured some more feed on the floor before putting the box up out of the animal’s reach and trotting to the door and opening it, “Oh hello, Pinkie,” Fluttershy greeted the pink pony before her in a timid voice, “What a pleasant surprise.”
“Hi, Fluttershy!” Pinkie declared, “Do you have any animals that eat meat?”
“Well yes, I’m sure I do. But why? And, if you don’t mind me asking, why is that sandwich on your back?” Fluttershy asked.
“This is Sandvich,” Pinkie replied, bringing Sandvich before her to show to her yellow friend.
“Um...” Fluttershy said, not entirely sure how to respond, “He-hello?”
“Eat me,” Sandvich replied.
Fluttershy’s eyes shot wide open and she hopped backwards, slamming the door before her.
“Uh-oh,” Sandvich said, “Not good!”
“Hmm,” Pinkie contemplated what to do next, placing Sandvich on the ground before her.
“Fluttershy!” Sandvich yelled from his spot in the dirt.
“Nopony’s home!” Fluttershy called back fearfully from beyond the door.
“But if nopony’s home then who’s there to say that nopony’s home?” Pinkie asked, using logic for once in her life.
Before Fluttershy could respond, Twilight hopped out of a bush and slammed a small butterfly net onto Pinkie’s back with a cry of "Ah-ha!" Her insane smile changed to one of insane confusion as she noted that Sandvich no longer occupied that space.
Pinkie laughed cheerfully, “Silly Twilight, I’m not a butterfly.”
Sandvich gave a yell of fear, “Uh-oh!” He cried, “Run!”
Pinkie shrugged, “Okay,” She galloped forth, picking up Sandvich and bursting through Fluttershy’s front door, scaring the bejeezus out of her.
“No! Keep it away from me!” Fluttershy cried in horror, pawing at the walls as if she had spider powers and was trying to escape.
Unfortunately for Pinkie and Sandvich, going into Fluttershy’s home meant entrapping themselves, as they soon came to find out, with a crazed purple pony.
“There’s no escaping this time, Sandwich!” Twilight declared, levitating the net above her.
“Not good!” Sandvich observed with horror.
“Pinkie! Put the sandwich down!” Twilight growled, unaware of how much of a meanie she was being due to her lapse of sanity, “I’m going to find out how it works and I’m not letting you destroy it or let it get destroyed!”
“But Twilight...” Pinkie began to protest.
Twilight encased her friend in a magical glow and, with a poof of magic, teleported her away.
“Now it’s just you...” Twilight took a crazed step towards Sandvich, “...and me!” She threw her head back and gave a mad scientist’s cackle. Had it been any more cliche, lightning would have flashed behind her.
“Clang!” Retorted a shovel against the back of Twilight’s head.
Twilight took a break from consciousness and slumped to the floor.
Spike hefted the shovel onto his shoulder as a soldier might do with a rifle, “Glad that didn’t get too out of hand...or hoof,” he said, wiping his brow. There would be no more repeats of ‘Lesson Zero’ on his watch.
The purple dragon then took note of a sandwich that was laying on the floor, “Hey look, a sandwich.”
Faster than a dimension crossing anomaly could say, “Eat me,” Spike picked up Sandvich and gobbled him up on one bite. After a second, he belched and a single toothpick dropped to the floor.
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Back at the RED base, Heavy was feeling depressed. He had thought that suiciding and respawning would fix the loss of his dear sandvich, but alas it was not to be so.
“The BLU team is capturing our control point!”
Heavy paid the message no mind, he was a broken man.
Heavy heaved a herculean sigh of another word that starts with H that describes depression, “What is a man?” He held up his hand, palm up, as he would with his Sandvich were it not gone, “Without his Sandvich?”
And with all the suddenness of Pinkie Pie, Sandvich respawned in Heavy’s hand.
Heavy’s face split into the most amazing smile he had ever had, “Sandvich!” He cried out with joy, “Oh, how I have missed you!” Heavy placed a series of kisses on Sandvich.
This was wonderful! Sandvich was back! Once again Heavy’s life was actually meaningful! Once again he could feel alive! They had so much to do together! They could go frolicking through flowers, blasting their way through waves of enemies, share a milkshake with two straws...
Heavy’s montage sequence was blasted away by a voice from the map’s intercom, “The enemy has captured a control point!”
Heavy gave his sandvich a cocky smile, “You thinking what I’m thinking?” he rumbled.
Sandvich, no longer being in a magical world of ponies, could not reply.
“It’s coward killing time!” Heavy roared. With a mighty laugh, Heavy pocketed his sandvich and hoisted Sasha, “I’m coming for you!” He declared as he sprinted out to the awaiting battle.
He had tiny baby cowards to kill, and a beautiful baloney sandvich to help him do it.
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The End
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Author’s notes: The idea for this story just popped into my head one day. I thought, ‘Meh I guess it sounds interesante, if not completely stupid.’ So I made it a complimentary folder in my ‘Otro’ folder in my google drive. And then I thought to myself, ‘What the hell, Ima write this bitch.’ And so I did.
And yes, that is my thought process on the matter. Pretty much word for word if you must know.
Maybe...and only maybe, if enough people like this (*sarcastic snort* fat chance in hell of that happening) I may throw in a cliffhanger that could lead to a sequel.
Either way thank you for reading, this may be no Magnum Opus but it is still a story that I am (kinda) proud to have sired...if an author can be called a sire of a story. Wait, is it even called siring if only one guy has a part in it?
Blehg, nevermind just thanks for reading and enjoy your day/night/whatever.