The House That Built Me
Work, home, eat, talk, sleep.
The simple progression ruled my life. I spent endless days working, trying desperately to provide for my daughter. I strove to provide her every need, because I was it. I was the only one who could provide for her. Paternal instincts were what drove me. I was torn between two worlds. The work that demanded my attention, and the daughter who needed my love. I felt terrible because I was walking a fine line- if I swayed one way or the other, whichever got less of my attention suffered. If my work suffered because I spent more time with my daughter, the threat of being fired loomed over me, the possibility of losing the financial security I needed to provide for my daughter was imminent. If I spent more time at work, my relationship with my daughter took a hit. I was the rope in a tug of war, the rope constantly being pulled tauter, damaged no matter what won, and so was my daughter.
My guilt was intense. I wanted desperately to be there to help my daughter, to see her grow, but I had no choice but to work if I wanted to meet her physical needs. My wife left our family when Starlight was a year old. She couldn’t stand living with me. She said I was too overbearing, that I was too emotional for her, that I was too much. She moved to Las Pegasus, leaving me with a daughter and a hefty mortgage to pay. I was grief stricken. The only thing that got me through those dark days were my daughter. She was cheerful, joyous, curious. She constantly pointed to things and I explained to her what they were. She was particularly drawn to the antiques in our home. It was a large reason of why I grew to love old fashioned things.
Nothing will ever compare to the moment she was first placed in my arms as a foal. Holding her, and looking into her precious face, I knew that I was holding the greatest thing that had ever happened to me. I saw my future in her eyes, and my joy in her face. More love burst inside of me than I could have ever described, and the protectiveness that ran through me was more mighty than an army of pegasi. I knew that even though my cutie mark said what my purpose was, I knew the real purpose in my life was to love and care for the foal I was holding.
My daughter was the center of my universe. There wasn’t a moment in the day I wasn’t thinking about her, that I didn’t keep her at the forefront of my mind. Even when I was at work, she fueled me. Her image kept me going through grueling hours and shifts when I thought I wasn’t going to make it through any other way. She was the light in my life, and I dedicated myself to fueling that light, to loving her with devotion that bordered on insanity. Others might have thought me insane- I just thought myself a single father.
I had virtually no contact with anypony after my wife left. With the exception of coworkers, I solely had contact with my daughter. A few times I met with Stellar Flare, whose son Sunburst had become close to my little girl. But I barely had time for that. Seeing the joy in Starlight’s face, however, when she spoke of Sunburst assured me that she had made a good choice in a friend. I was proud of that. I tried to foster that in her whenever I had time. No father could have been prouder of his daughter.
And then, Sunburst left.
My daughter became cold, jaded, and distant. I tried everything to bridge the gap that formed between her and the world, but every time I tried it just made distance between us. I’d like to say that I gave her space and let her come to me when she was ready, but I didn’t. I went into overdrive, becoming overbearing with her just as much as I had my wife. I was desperate not to lose the last bit of flesh and blood I had. I was desperate to keep my daughter with me, because she was all I had. I was blinded by my own anxieties, my needs, my instincts, and my drive to keep my daughter safe and whole. I thought the only way to do that was to keep her with me, because I was the only one who could protect her.
It shouldn’t have surprised me when she left home too.
Hindsight is always 20/20. I should have seen that I was pushing her away, but I didn’t. It wasn’t until she left that I saw things with clarity. I had failed her. I hadn’t been there like I should have, I hadn’t provided for her enough- because if I had this wouldn’t have happened. “I should have been there” was my constant lament. My world was shrouded in darkness when I thought I had lost my little girl. It was a long time before I heard from her again.
When she came to visit me, I was overjoyed. I could have danced on the clouds. But then she told me what had happened to her in-between the time she left and the day she came here. That instinct went into overdrive again. It was old habit, one I really should have learned to kick the day she left. I thought I knew better. I didn’t. I just wanted her to feel safe, to feel whole, to feel like the world wasn’t on her shoulders for just a little while. The only way I knew how to express that was treating her like a filly. I didn’t know there were other ways, and I wouldn’t have known. Because when I looked at her, I still saw the little girl who used to ask me to keep the light on at night because monsters were in her closet and who desperately wanted my attention. I was fifteen years too late on that one, but I didn’t know that then. I thought I was thinking of my daughter first, but it wasn’t true. I was thinking about myself and trying to correct my mistakes through babying my daughter.
I didn’t understand that in doing so I was making a bigger one.
It wasn’t until she told me off that I understood. At first I was hurt, I was upset, I was angry. I thought that if I had loved her enough back then, we wouldn’t be where we were now. I thought that she didn’t appreciate how hard her leaving was on me. I thought that she didn’t care about me anymore. My mind was irrational, but when your thinking is clouded by emotions it tends to get that way. When she came to find me, I honestly thought she was there to rub salt in my wound. It was like I didn’t know my daughter at all. And maybe, until that moment, I didn’t. I knew who she had been, not who she had become. When she apologized to me, I saw for the first time that she had really let her guard down to tell me that, for the first time in years. To see her so open and vulnerable with me touched something inside of my heart. It opened the doorway to growth. I could still remember the past, but I could enjoy the present too.
Starlight and I are keeping in touch, growing closer through our letters and occasional visits. I recognize now that I am just getting to know my daughter for the first time. In a way it was like falling in love with her all over again. I have made so many mistakes in my life, wasted so much of my time on pursuits that didn’t matter, but everything I have ever done was worth it, because I have her. My daughter. The center of my life. She still holds that position for me, and she always will. As much as I have tried to teach her, she has taught me too. I know now to have hobbies and things I enjoy because she has her own life outside of me. I know that I can’t keep her a foal forever because I will never get to see her grow. But I know that no matter what happens, she will always need me- as a father and as a friend, and I will always need her just the same.
Someday, when my daughter settles down and has foals of her own, she will understand how I feel. She will remember the mistakes I made, and try and avoid them, and in doing so likely make some mistakes of her own. But in the eye of time, with all the ponies it sees, there is only one thing that is remembered- love. And what each pony takes away at the end of their days is entirely dependent on them.
Love, family, laughter, and joy. That is what I will take with me to my grave. I spent so much of my time blaming myself for my mistakes that I didn’t see the miracles that were all around me. I didn’t see the hoof of friendship extended to me on all of the days Stellar Flare babysat my daughter. I didn’t see the hidden gift that my wife gave me when she left me- giving me a daughter who helped save Equestria because of all the events she had been put through in her life. I didn’t see the future because I was stuck in the past. But I had everything I ever wanted all along because I had my daughter. Every day I try and show her how proud I am of her, and how much I love her in a million little ways, because in the end, family is what’s important. I have made my mistakes with my daughter, but one thing will always be constant, for as long as I am here and long after I am gone.
Love.
That’s what we will remember.