> My Little Treekicker - Fanfiction is Magic
>  by ShrimpShogun
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> 1 - Out of Touch
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“C’mon, Granny! We’re runnin’ late!” Normally we’d be a few blocks ahead on our deliveries, but Big Mac was stuck in bed with a sprained hoof and Granny Smith wouldn’t take No for an answer, “I told ya’ I could manage on my own, Granny. I’ve gone it alone before!” I lied, carrying most of the delivery in my cart.
“Fittlestsicks! ‘Ah might be a ‘ol crab apple but these here hooves can still pull their weight.” she elbowed me in the side, “An’ yer’ gonna’ be in worse shape than Big Macintosh if ya’ keep bitin’ off more than you can chew!” I sighed, and she stole a another bushel of apples from my cart and threw them into her’s, “Just seven more houses!”
“Of course, Granny...” My pride always managed to get the better of me, something I always had trouble keeping nailed down. The last thing I wanted was for Granny Smith to get hurt at her age doing the farm’s work, but she was still right.
“‘Ah’ wonder how ma’ li’l Sugarcube’s doin..” we strolled past the School of Friendship on our way to the next stop, “Ya’ think Applebloom’s had her lunch yet?”
“She probably has, Granny. It’s half past twelve..” I honestly had no idea when Applebloom’s school lunchtime was, but I figured I’d spare my little sis the embarrassment.
A piercing shriek froze our hooves to the ground, followed by a calamity of screams.
“What the devil!?” Granny cried, “I-It sounded like it came from the school!”
An awful feeling fell to the pit of my gut, “S-Stay here, Granny, I’ll check on ‘em.” and I took off for the marble staircase.


I'd never heard such a racket, especially not from our school, not even since that one time Queen Chrysalis tried to take over Ponyville did I hear that kind of hollering. It sounded scarier than a rattlesnake in a hen house and by heck, it wasn't even lunch time yet.
I spat out a wad of chewin’ grass, and almost lost my hat stampeding up the stairs. I kicked the front door open and dashed in without a thought. Everywhere I looked, students were scurrying for their lives. “What in tarnation is going on?” I cried out, but not a single one of em had an answer past the terror in their eyes. Another door flew open, nearly taking my head clean off from the fillies bouncing off the back of it.


“Run! Run for yer’ lives!” with a thud, I was tackled by the smallest apple in Ponyville, “Oof!”
“Applebloom!” I nearly hugged the life out of the little filly, “Golly, am I glad you’re okay. What the hay’s goin’ on?” but she was a mess for words.
She stammered, trying to compose herself, “A-Ah’ don’t know! It just came into class! And it just-”
The thud in my gut came around for seconds, “Granny’s outside, go wait with her! I’ll be right back-!”
“No! You can’t go! You don’t know what-!”
“I said Git!” I gave her another hug and a kiss over her little red bow, “Don’t you worry about me, I’ll be fine. Just make sure Granny’s safe, will ya’?” and I took off, dodging students left and right. I immediately regretted leaving her, but I just knew the girls were gonna’ need my help. This just wasn’t normal.


Rainbow Dash’s class was my first stop. If anything had come looking for trouble, she’d be the first to deal with them. I opened the door, and a handful of pale-faced fillies spilled out. I was getting the creeps as the minutes went by, “Dash? Dash, you in there?” but all I heard was silence, and a small bundle of blue feathers floating down to my hooves. I seized up, not knowing what to make of it, “R-Rainbow..?” What was at the foot of the class was even less unsettling.
I couldn't give you a proper accounting of what it was. Only that it looked like a pile of worms slipping into thin air past the most ghoulish gurgle I'd ever heard.
I was fell back against the wall, at a loss for words, searching for something, anything to make sense, “Dash? Dash, please, this ain’t funny! Where are you?” but the classroom was still empty, even the ceiling. Did she fly out with the students? I saw an open window towards the back. Did she fly outside?
I couldn’t bare it. I didn’t like where my mind was wandering, and I definitely didn’t like being left out in the dark like this. There just had to be some sense around here somewhere, “Where’s Twi?” if anypony was keen, it’d be her.


I ran as fast as my hooves could take me, and nearly kicked the doors down to the dean's office, “Twi-!” there she was, with a face I'd only seen when things were bad, Starlight Glimmer floating in the air like a pegasus that'd had a bit too much cider, and an unholy abomination before the two of them. It must've stood ten ponies tall, lumbering like a twisted cloud of filled with critters all sewed together and turned inside out a the same time. Grumbling and moaning as if it couldn't tell the difference between pain and pleasure. I'd never felt so uneasy in all my life.
“Help! I-I don't know what it's doing! It won't let... me...” Starlight leaned in and her eyes started drifting, along with the color of her mane.
“Starlight!!” Twilight tried to rangle her back down to Earth with her horn, but it was almost like her magic was being downright ignored. “Let her go!” She even fired off a few shots of her horn at the thing, but it didn’t even flinch. Twilight’s laser blasts flew right past it like Rarity running past fertilizer, and hit the wall behind it.
“Twilight! What is that thing?!” but all she did was turn to me with a face covered in tears, “Applejack, I-I'm so sorry..! I-!” That deflated look in her eyes, like she’d already thrown in the towel, was the last thing I saw before a bright flash stole the room out from under my hooves.


That nostalgic scent of pinewood was long gone, and in a manehattan minute, I was hit by a whiff of old steel, gas and excrement. Those would probably have felt just as nostalgic, had I not been nose-diving towards planet Earth, “Whaa!!” I only had a few seconds to panic before my hoof caught a clothesline, but by heck I kept going. “Oof-!” I bounced hard off of an awning, but thankfully I had some trash to catch my fall, “Ouch!”
I found myself put up for sale square in a cardboard box. Fitting I guessed, given the trip, “T-Twi..? Twilight!? Where are ya’?” a better question was, where was I?
I had to adjust my hat, the sun was being extra friendly. A tumbleweed waved just the same as it rolled past. The weather was dry and muggy, not my favorite, but I’d kicked apple trees in far worse conditions. My hooves were wobbly, but I managed to rise out of my cardboard fort. I took an estimate of my surroundings, looking for any answer at all. It looked like some old country drugstore that I almost careened through. Seemed abandoned though, that is until a big shadow caught me by surprised, “Oh! Uh, why hey there, partner. W-Would you mind tellin’ me where-”
“Applejack-!!” Twilight told us about humans from her adventures with Sunset Shimmer, but this was ridiculous, “Oh my gosh! After so many years, my pony tulpa finally appeared! It’s really you! And in a cardboard box just like in My Little Dashie posted by Rob Cakerran Fiftythree on October 25, 2011.” He grabbed me a little too hard, “I’ve always dreamed of having my own little pony, just like in My Little Pony Friendship is Magic!” He was louder than a rattlesnake wearing clown shoes.
I struggled for dear life, “E-Excuse me, Sir,” I tried to emphasize the word, sir, “b-but I really need to get-”
“Don’t worry, I’m going to take care of you and make sure you’re happy just like in My Little Dashie until Princess Celestia and Princess Luna come to take you back home!”
What in blazes? Who was this guy? “L-Luna? Celestia? How do you know about-” I had a few dozen more questions, but he was holding me a little too tightly against his barrel of a gut, and the smell was enough for me to plum keel over.


Thankfully his lair wasn’t too far. I was actually impressed how fast a big lug like him could move wearing clothes that barely fit him, “I’ll be in my room, mom! Love you!”
“Okay, Charlie! Love you too, sweetie!” I heard from the kitchen. Whatever she was bakin' sure as heck gave me a breather, that is until he dragged me down into his dungeon.
“Listen, mister, I-I really need to be on my way...” I pleaded while being being carried under his arm like a log, but it was no use. He was in another world, and now so was I.
He flipped a switch. It took a few seconds, but the lights eventually flickered on to an honest to apples museum of me and my best friends, “What in the world..?” Everywhere I looked, there were either tiny ponies figurines or a pairs of trousers covered in skid marks. It was the dirtiest museum you’d ever seen, but at least the parts about us were half passable.
I forgave the dust over the attention to color coordination and size. All of the Twilight’s and Rarity’s each had their spots, same for the Pinkie Pie’s and an generous shrine for your's truly, which to be frank gave me the creeps. Oddly enough, there weren’t a whole lot of Fluttershy’s. Poor Fluttershy always was a wallflower. His favorite must’ve been Rainbow Dash. There was at least a couple dozen Dash’s all under a big banner of the ol’ girl hunched over with her front hooves stretched out with a suspect look in her eye like some kind of harlot. “Okay, that’s just gross.” Honest, I was trying to be diplomatic, but that was awful.
He tossed me onto his bed, which somehow smelled worse than he did, not to mention I could feel the sheets crunchin' under my hooves, "E'yuck..." He was obviously a few shotguns short of a wedding, but I needed to be cordial, “Listen, I know we’ve saved the world and all, and you’re our biggest fan, but my friends need me. Twilight needs me. You know, the Princess Twilight? From Ponyville?”
“Ugh, I know! She was so much better before the wings! Magical Mystery Cure is an abomination.” I could hear the cracks coming out of his chair as he threw himself onto it, turning about and firing up some sort of machine. Some kind of big window lit up and a bunch of words flickered across it. He clicked his fingers over another flat doo hickey, and adjusted a little thingamabob with an eye on it.
“Wait a cotton pickin’ minute, excuse me?!” I was still stuck on the bit over the wings.  “Twilight Sparkle’s my friend and she’s a great Princess! She’s saved the world at least a dozen times! By golly, if it wasn’t for her, we’d all be slaves at best!” but no matter what I said, that device had his full attention.
"Heh-llo~! Fillies and Gentlecolts, welcome to this week's Minute in Ponyville!. I'm your host, CrimsonAlicornBladeX95 and today I have an extremely special announcement!" I was completely lost. He was talkin' into the window like he was talkin' to an audience, "I've done it! I've finally done it! After years of focus and deep meditation, I've finally done-! Hey shut up!" He suddenly slammed his fist against a desk, as if someone had just spat in his eye, "Shut the hell up about my virginity! I am not a virgin, you haters!" He shouted with a stutter, "What I've done, is create my very own tulpa!" Charlie cackled like a schoolgirl.
"Just who in the world are you talkin' to?"
"Hey-!" his laughter cut short. "I'm not full of-! She's right here!"
"Woah-!" the big galoot grabbed me by the hoof and yanked me over, "C-Cut it out! let'go of me!" I caught a glimpse of the window he was talkin' into. All of a sudden, hundreds sentences and little tiny pictures were flying up faster than I could read 'em. It almost looked like whatever sorcery he was practicin' was startin' to seize up, but I'd had enough already. "You've got some nerve!" I slapped away his hand, "I told ya' that I need my friends need me! I don't have time for yer' games. Twilight's in trouble and I need to get back to Ponyville, pronto!"
"See, guys? She's the real thing! She talks and everything!" he brushed my mane with his greasy fingers, "She's so soft and kawaii~!"
"Knock it off!" I shoved him away, "Aren't you listenin'! There was a monster at the School and Twilight needs my help! Now!" I grabbed him by the collar, but he wasn't taking me seriously one bit. The lummox just grabbed me and started rockin' me back and forth like a filly, "Guh, why you-!"
"Shut the buck up!" he startled me, "I am not going to rape her, you cyberbullies!" Oh, he was just yellin' at the window again, phew. "You're just jealous because I have a real pony waifu to play with and you're just a bunch of 4chan losers!"
"I still don't know who yer' talkin' to, mister..."
"Oh, don't you worry, Applejack. They're just a bunch of haters."
If I hadn't thought he was off his rocker before, I certainly did now, "Who..?" He had the nerve to remove my desperado, "H-Hey!" and even more nerve to start runnin' his fat fingers through my mane. I would've knocked him silly had he not thrown me back onto the bed behind him. Wasn't quite sure if I was any safer there, but at least I still had my dignity.
Charlie spun back around to his apparatus, "Anyway! Since you're all being so goshdarn rude to me, I'm ending the stream. You all can go buck yourselves!" he made a few clicks with some artifact under his hand, but if I was seein' straight, the window didn't seem to change much. Words were still flyin' faster than an apple fritter in July, that is until the window swapped to what looked like another page. A gray background and in the corner I picked out a rainbow with the words Fim Fiction next to it.
“Check it out, I’m working on my own fan fiction. It’s just like My Little Dashie but it’s about you instead!” With an awful lisp, the galoot began rambling on about Celestia knows what, knowing way too much about Sweet Apple Acres next to things that were downright malarkey.
The idgit made a few more clicks and a picture appeared on the screen that nearly made me lose my apples, “My favorite part so far is in chapter twelve when you, me, and Princess Molestia-”
“That’s disgustin’! I would never do anything like that, ya’ weirdo!” I stood up on the bed, stains be damned, ready to defend Celestia’s name along with my sex life.
He shrieked, and sprang up out of his chair like a bull in a tomato patch, “I’m not a weirdo!”
My confidence stuttered just a tad, “N-Now calm down there, Applecrisp. No need to get angry.” I tried my hoof at a chuckle to somehow save the mood, but the ship was sinking mighty quick.
Huffin' up a storm, he lumbered over me, “I’m not a weirdo... And you’re not going to ruin this for me. We’re going to reenact my fan fiction just the way I wrote it in chapter twelve, act four. You’re going to be My’ Little Jackie, and I don’t care if someone’s already used that title before! This is my fan fiction! Those trolls on Fim can kiss my flank!” he made another shriek and tackled me against the bed.
“Woah! Get off’a me! Let go!!” I aimed a kick, but his big burly hands went straight for my back legs, “S-Stop it!” I crawled for dear life, but he dragged me towards him. “Yee-haw!” Is the opposite of what I would’ve said, ‘cause this was no good.
The brute grabbed me by the chin, and met me eye to eye, “You can be Applejack, of course, and I’ll be your Anon~!” he closed his eyes and puckered up.
My hooves acted on their own, “I said, GIT-OFF!” I broke loose and kicked him as hard as I could square in the apples. He flew across the room like a bail of hay and smacked against a bookcase full of tiny figurines and books. They scattered across the room like the ruffage of one of Pinkie Pie’s confetti bombs.
“Ung-!” I heard a wet crack, and he was out like a light.
My heart somehow skipped another beat, “Is everything alright down there, sweetie?” It must've been mama bear from up the staircase.
Honestly, I panicked, “Uh, I’m alright, mom!” I did my best lisp and pretended to be fat.
There was a pause that lasted a week.
“...Okay, sweetie!”
I forgot how to breath for a good second. Thankfully, a book across the bed had caught my attention. “Now what’s this..?” Against a Rainbow and right over a picture of myself, Twilight and Rainbow Dash, My Little Pony - Friendship is Magic Official Guidebook by Lauren Faust. How strange, I thought. I knew we were famous, but a guidebook?
I hoofed it open and began darting across each page, “This ain’t just us, it ain't even just our adventures, it’s... everything.” Every little detail, starting from the fallout between the Princess sisters and Princess Luna being banished to the moon, Twilight’s first Winter-Wrapup, the Grand Galloping Gala, confrontin' Discord, the Crystal wedding at Canterlot, Applebloom and her friends gettin' their cutie marks, even Cranky and Matilda’s wedding - The whole dang deal. It was weirder than a rattlesnake inside of another rattlesnake.
I jumped out of bed, tryin' my best to decontaminate my coat. I made my way all the flickerin' appliances on his desk. Some kind of space age typewriter that didn't need any paper and a string attached to a rock that Rarity would've cracked open in a heartbeat. I tried clickin' it the same way Charlie had done, and the window switches pages again. 
It was the same page he was on before. It was bizarre, like a fuzzy mirror with all sorts of colors, dancin' ponies and words flyin' past my reflection. The closer I got the faster they flew, "Buncha' witchcraft," I thought out loud. 
I kept on with my tour and took a gander out of the window. It was a totally different world out there, and I was on my own this time. What I needed to figure out was how to get back home. I looked back at the book I'd found, “Lauren Faust...” I turned over the book and closed it, bouncin' that name back and forth in my noggin, “I’d never heard of a Ms. Faust before, but if she knows so much about me, then she’s just gotta’ know about how I can get back home and save my friends.” It might just end up being a wild goose chase, but otherwise I was up a creek without a canoe.
I grabbed my hat and dusted the germs off of it. I picked up the world’s longest belt and tripled it up, fastenin' the guidebook around my waist along with a few nicknacks I told myself I was going to borrow. There was a map of a place called California, that packed away too. Despite the peculiar blue trains with human faces all over it, the map appeared reasonable. Out of spite, I snatched that tiny Applejack Charlie was playin' dress up with. I admit, I probably wasn't going to give that one back if I'd had the chance, "...Creep."
I stepped over fat mountain, “Get out of my way, door!” I suggested to the door. Twilight, and probably all of Equestria needed my help, “Just hang on tight, Twi.”
> 2 - Money for Nothing
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Phew,” I managed to escape the Friendship museum with my sanity in tact. I admitted, I did feel a might guilty over knocking out that sour apple. Hopefully he wasn’t too bruised, especially for his mama’s sake.
“Woah!” a loud honk just about scared me out of my horseshoes. I leapt onto the sidewalk before the biggest wagon I’d ever seen drove past. Loud, mean and full of smog, I’d never seen anything like it before, or anything that big movin’ that fast next to a train.
I shook my head and got back in gear, “The girls are waiting. Get it together, AJ.” First things first, I needed to get a lay of the land, and figure out just where I was headin’. I pulled the map from my traveler’s kit. I wasn’t sure who this Thomas feller was, but given he was some kind of locomotive, he just had to know his way around, “You better not let me down, Thomas...”
I searched the area for names or landmarks. I had to admit, the countryside helped me relax my nerve. There were plenty of hills and the horizon was covered in mountain ranges. The site of a vineyard really helped lift my spirits, but I had to stay focused. “Sonoma County Vineyard” read a quaint sign swinging in the breeze. “M’mm...” I could smell the orchard in the wind, which did more harm than good quite frankly. My tummy agreed, “It has been a rough day so far.” I only had myself to blame though. It’s what I got for skippin’ breakfast to get ahead of schedule.
I had some words with my new friend Thomas, and managed to fish out Sonoma. It wasn’t much of a start, but at least I knew where I was on the map, at least I thought so anyway.
“Hng,” My gut didn’t know when to quit, “There’s just gotta’ be some grub around here somewhere.” I kept trottin’ down the road. Eventually, a tall sign peeked out over the trees. “Burger... King?”. Now I’d never heard of a king of burgers before, nor did I know why a king would plant a sign of himself like that in the first place, but if he was worth his weight in royalty, I reckoned he’d know something about this here Lauren Faust character. Not to mention that maybe, just maybe, I’d be able to negotiate a tasty hay burger out of him too.
I got back on my way, hoping the guards wouldn’t give me too much trouble. A rustle caught the corner of my eye, “Who's there?”
An odd looking man stumbled out of a bush, wearing seven different outfits. Poor feller face-planted himself into the sidewalk on his introduction.
“Heh.. You alright there, Sugarcube?” he was lanky fellow, looking like he plum fell out of a tractor wearin’ two left shoes.
He got his act together and looked up at me, less confused than I’d expected, “Hee~eey man, an octopus told me you had some Kit-kats. You got some Kit-kats..?” He tried to get close and put an arm around me, but I was quick to the dodge, “I’ve got the cream, le’me hit some Kit-kats.” he pulled out a wad of gnarled up green bills with coins stuck all over them like flies on a caramel apple.
“Uh.. I sure don’t have any Kitty-cats, but I-I do have a question actually...” he could’ve been the royal jester, or the town fool for all I knew. “Do you know anything about the Burger King?” it was worth a shot I thought.
“Burger King? Yeah, man, I know a guy there. That’s where I get my applejacks, man.” He got on all fours, trying to meet me eye to eye I assumed. I imagined he was trying to imitate me, but it didn’t help me understand the situation.
“Applejacks? What do ya’ mean? My name’s Applejack.”
“Whaaaaat...?” his eyes glowed, “You’re an Applejack? Can I have some of your Applejacks?”
I, I was really confused. I probably shouldn’t have said a word really. I was fixin’ for an escape, but I was feelin’ more cornered than a fritter at the county fair. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I reached into my makeshift travelpack, and offered him a trophy I’d borrowed from that big wheelbarrow’s creepy room. It was a tiny figurine of your’s truly.
He made a gasp and tossed the ball of coins at me, cupping the thing in his hands, “The Applejack gave me a tiny Applejack... Woah...!” I could see the stars spinnin’ in his eyes, “Thankyooouu...!”
“You’re... welcome!” I nodded, with cautious relief.
The cowpoke literally seized up and fell onto his side, clutching the piece of me to his chest like he’d just won the lottery.
“You take care now, ya’hear?” It was probably for the best that I’d gotten rid of that thing anyway. It was kinda’ sticky and was startin’ to smell.


I came to an intersection and there it was, the smallest, most underwhelming castle I’d ever seen. In fact, I reckon it wasn’t even a real castle. It just looked like an ordinary restaurant. “Hah..” I rolled my eyes, pretending I wasn’t that much of a knucklehead, “Well, at least grabbin some grub’ll be a lot easier.”
Just as I made my way across the street, a big ‘ol loaf of bread rolled past a wide puff of smoke that landed right in my face. I coughed up something fierce, “What the hay?!” I had a hoof ready to demand some answers, that is until it came to a stop just ahead of me, “Oh, a... school bus...?” the sign read on its rear end. I was on a roll today.


The big rig creaked and rocked as a pair of doors opened up. A herd of human kids spilled out in every direction.
“Ha ha, what a dork!” one youngin’ in particular held a big stuffed toy of Fluttershy of all ponies high above his head. He danced about and mocked the thing with two of his cronies, flying her through the air like she’d never flown before, “Look at me! I’m still playing with ponies in 2019! My interests are wildly out of touch with today’s culture!” they were relentless.
“Give it back!” a little squirt was the last to get off of the bus, she couldn’t have been any older than Applebloom, “Stop it!” but she was an apple too short to defend herself. Those good for nothin’ bullies taunted her, laughing and running around her in circles playing keep-away. I could see a twinkle building up in her eye, “Please! Just give me back my Flutter-Oof!” One of the outlaws did her in with a trip of their boot, sending her face first into the grass.
I’d just about had enough, “Hey!” I shouted, stampeding over with the devil in my eye, “Ya’ll better leave her alone or you’re gonna’ catch a wallop!”
“What the hell is that thing?” one of them cried.
“Bro, is that a pony?” another one questioned, “Or did she dress up her dog in one of her cosplays?”
I didn’t know what a cosplay was but, “Ya’ll wanna find out?” I walked right up to the leader keepin’ Fluttershy hostage, “Ya’ think you’re so tough, huh? Pickin’ on a little girl half your age like that! Ya oughta’ be ashamed of yourself!” I really let ‘em have it, “Give her back her toy, now! Or I’m gonna square dance all over your graves!”
I got an awkward look, “Bro, let’s just dip. I think these eddie’s are kickin’ in...”
“Yeah, bro. I think I’m turning into a character with a personality, or maybe a strawberry.”
“Dude, same!” The leader tossed Fluttershy back at the girl, “Stay lame, fam.” and the gang conveniently flew the coop before I clobber some heads. Hopefully they weren’t going to call the police...
I lent the little sunflower my hoof and got her back up on her feet, “You alright there, Clementine?”
Her little pigtails were adorable, and she had the cutest little shirt on of me and my friends. She’d completely forgotten about the bandits however. I had her full attention, “A-Applejack..? Is that really you?”
I chuckled, “In the horseshoes! Pleased to meet ya’, Sugarcube.” the celebrity life wasn’t entirely my bag of apples, but seein’ her face light up like that made it worthwhile. She stood there in awe, but must not have been convinced that I was the real mccoy. The sunflower grabbed one of my hooves lookin’ for a stamp of authenticity, then checking the rim of my hat for forgery. She even pinched one of my ears. I giggled, “Hey-!” my ears are ticklish, I can’t help it.
“I-It is you!” she glowed with a smile that’d make Pinkie jealous, “You are real! I can’t believe it! You’re really really real!” she hopped about holding my hooves. Those varmits probably weren’t wrong about her being a dork, but I found it pretty endearing, “It’s like Equestria Girls, but in reverse!”
Equestrian what? I thought. Nevermind, probably another weird fantasy I’m somehow involved with in these here parts.
“My name’s Megan! It’s so nice to finally meet you after all of these years! Where, what, how’d you even wind up here?”
“It’s a bit of a story, but I’m tryin’ to figure that out myself...”
“Come on! Let’s talk over there!” she pointed at one of the tables outside of the Burger King.
I nodded, it was probably smarter than talking by the street like that, especially with all these loaves of bread and smog everywhere flying everywhere.


We made our way over to a table. The sun was out on patrol, so we took a spot with a dinky umbrella over it, just me, Megan, and Fluttershy sittin’ in the shade.
She took out her wallet, “They don’t have a lot of vegetarian stuff here, but...”
“What’s a vegetarian?” somepony that only eats vegetables I wondered? What about fruits or grass? Bread?
She shook her head. I was probably embarrassin’ myself again, “Don’t worry, they have salads. Oh! They have apple pies too! I know how much you and the Apple family love apple pies!”
I pulled out the wrinkled ball of bits, “I don’t know how much this is, but... here.”
“Oh,” she organized the bread, “It’s only seven dollars and fifty two cents...”
It didn’t seem like a whole lot, “Is that a lot..?”
“I mean, you can buy a combo with that.” she chuckled, “You know what? Don’t worry about it. My treat, Applejack! Consider this a welcome to planet Earth.”
“Ah! Now ya’ don’t have to do that...” but she’d already scampered off, and was back in a jiffy with a tray of treats, “Well... that was fast.”
“They call it fast food here,” She offered me what she called a salad bowl, an apple pie, and a apple juice box. Honestly, I wasn’t too impressed, but I wasn’t about to let her know that, “So how’d you even get here? A magic well? A magic mirror portal?”
“Nah, not this time. Something... happened at the School of Friendship. I-I don’t really wanna’ get into it,” I’d been tryin’ to put it out of my mind and focus on returning home, but I left poor Granny and Applebloom back there. I should’ve been back by now. I tried the salad to help lift my spirits in front of the squirt, but it was horrible. Not even Fluttershy would touch it, she’d long given up her salad bowl to the flies, “Listen here, Megan.” I picked out the Magical Tome I’d been lugging around, and flipped it open, “Do you know somebody named Lauren Faust?”
Megan gasped, “Of course! Every pegasister knows her. She-!”
“Where is she? Where can I find her, Megan?”
She gave me a puzzled look, “I-I’m not sure, but...” and like a switch, her eyes lit up, “Babscon!”
“Babs who?”
“No, No, No! Babs-Con! It’s a Pony Convention over in San Francisco! They invited Lauren Faust there as a guest! If there’s one place you’ll be able to find her for sure, it’ll be there.”
“San Francisco?” I snatched out my map. It was in hard bold, and not too far off from Sonoma either, at least by a few inches anyway, “Is that far from here? What’s the fastest way there, Megan?”
“Well, maybe take a cab? Or go by train?” She took a sip from her juice box, “But getting there’s going to cost you money, definitely more than what you have. It’s about an hour’s drive away. Plus Babscon is like forty bucks... I wish I could go. It’s this weekend too!”
“Why can’t you go?” I woofed down the apple pie in one bite. By Celestia, tt was the worst apple pie I’d ever had.
“My mom thinks that the people that go there are weird.”
I was about to ask what she meant, but after my close encounter, I had a good idea of what she meant, “I think I know what you’re talkin’ about.”
“I mean, my brother goes every year, and he’s the weirdest! Ugh!” She grabbed a quick bite out of her apple pie. I made a promise to myself that if I ever returned here, I was gonna’ bring her a slice of some real apple pie, “So how’re you going to get there? I’d tell my mom to take us, but... she’d probably freak out.”
“You mentioned a train. Any idea where I could catch one?”
She wondered for a moment, scratching her head, “Oh, there’s a railroad track a few blocks that’a way! I don’t think I’ve ever seen people on it though, just carts of stuff.” She whipped out some fancy shmancy flat looking box from her her pocket and started swipin’ it until it lit up, “I’ll check it out, one sec.”
I muscled down another helpin’ of the seaweed that passed for salad in these parts and leaned over, “What the hay’s that thing? Some kinda’ magical artifact or somethin’?”
Megan snorted, “It’s a smart phone!” she kept running her fingers all over it like she was planning on summoning a demon, “Oh! Lucky you! That train actually goes south west from here. It’ll leave you right by the Golden Gate bridge. Cross that and you’ll be in San-Fran in no time flat.” She lifted up her demonbox and showed me some shapes and words that didn’t make too much sense, but I took her word for it.
I didn’t want to jinx it, but this just got a whole lot easier. I just needed to find my way into that Babs Khan and I might just have my ticket home, “Thanks for everything, Megan.” I finished up my juicebox and gave her a big hug, “You’re a true true friend. If you ever find a way to come visit, you’ll always have a home in Sweet Apple Acres.”
I could tell she was a might giddy. She didn’t exactly want to let go, “Are you cryin’, Sugarcube?”
“N-No...” she sniffed away a tear, “I’m just so happy...”
I chuckled, “Ya’ know, Fluttershy would’ve loved to have met you. I bet ya’ll would’ve had a swell time feddin’ her pets.”
I made things a lot worse. She hugged me so hard that I thought I was gonna’ pop an apple, “That would’ve been so cute!” she squealed.


Eventually, I pried myself out of her grip and went on my way. Her smile could’ve lit up all of Tartarus. “I’ll make sure to tell the girls all about you! I’ll never forget about you, Megan!” I waved for as long as I could, “Ya’ take care now, ya’hear?”
“Good luck, Applejack! Stay safe! I promise to only watch Friendship is Magic on Discovery Family!”
I had no idea what that meant, but I smiled and kept waving until I was gone.


If I’m being honest, and I usually am, the railroad tracks weren’t that hard to find. The main road led me right to them, just like Megan said. Now all I had to do wait for a train to fly by and grab on. The hard part now was the waiting game, and I was in no mood to stand around, “C’mon...” it was startin’ to get dark out.
Just then, a crazy shriek peeled up to the side of the road, slappin’ me out of my daze, “What in the hay was-?”
It was another one of them loud ponyless carriages. A door flew open, and almost fell off its hinge in the process, “You little...!”
It was Charlie, and I reckoned he hadn't exactly learned his lesson yet.
He gnarled and slammed the door to his wagon shut, “You damn troll! You stole my stuff and you humiliated me on my own stream!"
“On what now? And Looky-here, I’m sorry that I took your stuff, but my friends and I are in real trouble! Besides, you tried to-!”
He’d put on his big boy shoes, and began the march. I could feel the rumble, “I can’t believe I ever loved you! Dashie’s a way better Waifu than you are anyway! You're an awful tulpa! I should never have wasted so much time on a dumb background pony with no character at all!”
“Who’re you callin’ a background pony!?” I stamped a hoof, “Wanna’ go for another run? I’ll show ya’ some background all right, and some stars!"
Charlie took out another one of his witchcraft appliances, "Oh, don't you worry! You're going to get your's, you stupid overrated farm horse! I made you and I can unmake you!" he clicked something on the device and some strange music began to play. Actually, it wasn't half bad, a rather catchy bit of jazz and percussion full of energy. He suddenly jumped into a flashy pose, legs apart with one hand on his belt and the other pointin' right at me, "Star Platinum!!"


A cricket chirped in the background, and somebody cleared their throat a block away.


I blinked once, then twice, waitin' for something to happen, but he just stood there, strikin' an awkwardly heroic pose. I hid my face under my hat in embarrassment, "You're a few clowns short of a circus, huh nimrod? Anybody ever call you naive?"
The bag of potatoes sneered, “Ohhh, you shouldn’t have called me that... You shouldn’t have called me the N-word...”
“What? Nimrod?”
“Naive-!!” He held up a fist, which was as impressive as a rodeo clown at a bull run, “You just crossed the line, by saying the word naive...”
“What line?” I chuckled, “You mean the railroad tracks, tubby? Take a few more steps, why don’cha?”
“No, I'm not talking about the railroad tracks, I'm talking about you insulting me. I might have high-functioning autism, but I'm not naive! I just wanted you to be my friend, but you've been just awful to me. You're supposed to be a pony! What ever happened to friendship being magic!?”
I couldn’t believe it, ”You tried to rape me!”
“N-No I didn’t! Y-You better shut your mouth and not tell anybrony or I’ll-!”
“You might wanna’ move your thing, by the way,” this was priceless.
“M-My what-?”
A wail, almost as loud as Charlie’s squawkin', shook the entire block. Behind him thundered the mother of all locomotives, steaming mad and haulin’ ass. Ker-plooy! It took a heck of a bite out of Nimrod’s caravan.
“Oh God-!!” he had my pity. The fat lug had just enough agility to jump out of the way in time, rollin’ through the mud where he probably belonged.
I put up a hoof as the train blew past me, “Adios, amigo!” and let a railing drag me off to safer pastures. You had to have been there. You could’ve heard his squealing for miles around, “Yeehaw~!” I climbed up the railing of a rail car, and couldn't believe what Lady Luck had left me. My mouth watered over to tens of thousands of apples bein' hauled. I hopped it, laid back, took a bite, and enjoyed the ride.
> 3 - Fields of Gold
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I could’ve sworn I was scott free, or rather, I more or less was, but, well, I should’ve figured the train would’ve stopped right after colliding with that idiot’s karr. At least that’s what they kept calling it. I had to work on the timing of my one-liners.
I hid camouflaged amongst my apple brethren, high up on the train cart. Celestia had put the sun to bed, and I was surrounded by red and blue flashing lights.
“I’m telling you! There’s a pony hiding up there! She stole all of my stuff and she’s cyber-bullying me! She called me naive and made fun of my autism!”
“Of course, sir... Let’s you and me take a nice walk, and you can tell me all about this pony and why you parked on the train tracks.”
Charlie really was naive, but I probably should’ve been thankin’ him at this point. All I had to do was sit tight and let the gentlemen in uniform take him away. We’d be back on schedule in no time at all.
"Damn you, Applejack! I'll never forgive you! I'll make sure you suffer! I'm going to finish my dark-fic of you and all of your stupid friends, and then you'll see!" I could hear the officers trying to calm him down, or maybe they were psychiatrists? I still didn't know what a fick was, but the boy had my pity. I laid back, hat over my eyes, and took a bite out of another apple.


Eventually the steam started pumpin’ again and us apples were travelin’ through the countryside. The view was gorgeous through the mountains. There wasn’t a lightbulb for miles, only the ones in the night’s sky thrown across a milky stream. It was beautiful.
Princess Luna had really put on a show for me, but not even the sea above could make me feel any better.
Granny Smith baking me a warm apple pie on a sunday afternoon and Big Macintosh making sure Applebloom got first dibs. Twilight Sparkle chastin’ Starlight Glimmer over her methods of diplomacy, and Pinkie Pie flying in about how cake solved everypony’s problems. Fluttershy helpin’ Rarity with a fitting of her latest fashion crime. And Rainbow Dash relaxin’ high up on a cloud, making sure it was the only one in the sky.
And here I was, lying in an apple cart on some train hopin’ I was headin’ in the right direction. Ponyville could be burning to the ground for all I knew, and even if I was there to lend a hoof - What exactly was being honest supposed to do?
Was that why she sent me here? To make sure I didn’t get in the way and get hurt? Knowin’ my way around an apple wouldn’t do much against some crazy lookin’ monster, I guess.
I wasn’t even mad if I was goin’ by my monicher, I just hated not knowin’. I’d rather be the most good fer nothin’ mudpony there was if it meant my friends and family were safe and happy. That’s all that’s ever mattered to me...
“Dangit...” I was eatin’ the cart dry, and I kept getting every apple dirty with my own dang misery.


A bump threw me and a barrel’s worth of apples into the air, “Woah-!” Almost lost my hat for a second there. I peeped up and had a look about, “What in blazes..?” The train shrieked to a halt at the station, “Po-Ponyville?” Or I thought it was anyway.
I climbed out of the train car, tripping over my own hooves just tryin’ to get into town, but everything was wrong. No matter where I looked, someone had sucked all the color out of it. It just got greyer the more I ran. Even the sky was a blank slate. “Wh-What happened!? Twilight!? Pinkie!? Applebloom...!?”
No matter how much I hollered, I was surrounded by deafening silence and ash. I passed through the main thoroughfare, draggin’ a trail of tears behind me. Someone had left Sugar Cube Corner in the over for too long, “For the love of Celestia, p-please, no...!” I couldn’t bare it at all and just kept runnin’...
“Sis-!”
I ran as hard as I could towards that voice, “Applebloom!!” There she was, a lost apple stumbling about at the end of the boulevard. I grabbed onto her like I hadn’t seen her in years, “Applebloom..! Y-You’re okay..!” I couldn’t help drowning her in my heartache.
“Applejack! Where’ve you... be-?”
“A-Applebloom!?” Her eyes rolled into the back of her head, and her cheeks sank in. She just, started coming apart at the seems. Her bright yellow coat slipped off of her bone. Blood and guts splashing all over the streets like they’d just been poured out of a bucket. I screamed uncontrollably, tossing her little head away. Oh Celestia, I saw it rolling off of her little neck. My legs fell out from under me and I found myself against the asphalt, getting blood all over my face.
All I could do was shut my eyes tight, “Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it...!” It wasn’t real, I had to keep tellin’ myself. It was just a nightmare. Please, Luna save me, please...!
I heard a wet tumble fall past me, then several more. I gritted my teeth, the road underneath me suddenly pulled away from my hooves. A horn in the distance, smoke, somebody yappin’, the smell of oil and in the thick of it, that familiar smell of wet crisp coverin’ me like a blanket. I panicked, and finally opened my eyes, watchin’ a sea of apples following me through a dark chute. My head hit something.


“Y’ouch...” it felt like someone had thrown a bag of twittermites into my noggin. I kept hearing somebody murmurin’ like’ they were talking through a tube, and finally words started makin’ sense.
“Hah, finally awake, are’ya?. Reckon you must’ve gone through quite the ordeal,” his voice was rough, like sandpaper, “Safe to say, if I hadn’t given that pile of apples another look see, you’d be wearing a pitch fork necktie right ‘bout now.”
My head was still spinnin’. I found myself on an old couch wrapped in some blankets lookin’ up at the shadow of a gruffy old coot, “W-Who’re you..? Wh-Where’s my stuff?”
He startled me up with a hearty laugh, “She was right! You really can talk! Ain’t that somethin’... Don’t worry, your stuff’s on the table. Say, you must be hungry.”
Relieved, I spit up a nervous chuckle, “Actually, not really-”
“Yeah, I figured.” he dropped the jolly act on a dime, “‘Cause ya’ ate a truck’s worth of my apples. Apples that was gonna’ go to feedin’ ma’ cattle.” he scowled, “Ya’ outta thank God ya’ know english. If you were some ord’nary flee bitten mule, I woulda’ taken yer’ freeloadin’ ass out back for some tea time with my windchester.”
I gulped. There was an awkward pause as I waited for the punchline.
“Ah-hah! Get a load of that there look on yer’ face.” he finally let it out, “I’m kiddin’. You must’ve been awfully hungry.” he patted me on the tummy, which I wasn’t much a fan of, but I was pickin’ my next words very carefully.
“Name’s Pete.” he threw a greasy smile my way, “Easy Pete is what ma’ friends call me, I’m the owner of this here cattle ranch. Welcome to Marin County’s legendary Cowtrack Ranch, make yer’self at home.”
“Uh, thanks, Easy Pete.” I managed, “It’s a pleasure to meet ya’. Name’s Applejack,  and, uh, sorry about them-”
“Hey, hey! It’s fine.” his heavy boots dragged across the wooden floor as he made his way to the front door, “Now looky’here, Applejack, if that’s what people is gonna’ be callin’ ya, one of my workers is the one who stuck up for ya. She seems to know an awful lot ‘bout ya’. Name’s Shurley. Ya’ ‘outta be thankin’ her really. ‘Specially for this next bit.”
Pete bit off the end of something wrapped in brown paper, held it in his teeth, and lit the other end with a match, puffin’ out a cloud of smoke, “Shurley says yer’ in need of some dough, and fast. Now here at Cowtrack Ranch, we pay a fair share for honest work. She claims you know yer’ way ‘round a barn. That sound ‘bout right?” he took another drag.
I sat up out of my hospital bed, “I was raised in one, and still live there. My kin are apple farmers specifically, but if you’re askin’ if I know anythin’ about a hard day’s work, well then you’ve got yourself the best pony for the job!”
Pete let out a jolly laugh from the bottom of his gut, “Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout! Too many’a these millennials want everythin’ handed to them, don’t know what honest work pays. And I do stand by that, Applejack. You do my farm right, and you’ll be paid fairly.”
I got onto my hooves, honestly a might excited for a change, “I appreciate it, Easy Pete. This’ll be a whole lot of help for me,” It was the least I could do after takin’ advantage of his property. Getting to Babscon was going to be a lot easier anyway with some real cash to boot. Besides, my head wasn’t on right, and my morale needed an old fashioned workout to change my mood. Especially after that awful nightmare, “Tell me what ya’ need done, Easy Pete.”
“Right this way, lil’ lady.”


Pete gave me the rundown on the ranch. It might not have had that crisp vineyard breeze that I was used to back home, but it made up for it in charm. Wherever I went I saw friendly smiles. I was surprised, I mean, there was curiosity alright, a question here and there, but they were more neighborly than anything else. Either I was still dreamin’, or karma was payin’ my due.
“Need any help with that, ma’m?”
“Thankya’ kindly, but I’ve got it.” first on deck was to feed the cattle, of what I’d left them
anyway. I hauled a little trolly slung to me with rope, and stopped at each pen. I’d gotten their full attention, nearly jumpin’ out of their stalls with excitement. Not to say the farm hadn’t kept them fed, but well, this was gettin’ fun.
“Here ya’ are, sweetie.” At each pen, I’d toss a few apples into the air, and each cow would do their best to catch one in their mouth. They’d hoot and jump about every time they’d caught one. I wasn’t sure why it was so much fun for them, but they were havin’ a ball.


I’d probably gone overboard with the apples, but I figured I owed them anyway. Next up was an opportunity to prove my mettle.
“You sure you know how to do this?” a farmhand helped buckled me in, “No offense, yer’ just awfully... small?”
Another worker sunk the plow into place, “Normally we don’t use stallions for this anymore.”
“Hah!” I laughed, “Just sit back and watch, fella’s.” Now they claimed their tractor had blown a gasket, and I figured that they might have been puttin’ a rib over on me, but I was determined to show these city-slickers some real horsepower.
I cracked my back, and leaned in, ran down a timer and took off. In no time at all I’d cleared forty feet of field, draggin’ a plow twice my size behind like a bat outta’ hell.
I heard a couple of gasps in the background, “Dang! Look at her go!”
A long trench followed in my hoofsteps, “Ya’ll better get plantin’!” I chuckled, darting back and forth across the field.


“Shouldn’t we probably like, I don’t know. Call the news...? The university maybe?”
“And miss out on all this breaktime? I’m good, dude. Besides, the only one who's gonna’ make any money off’a that anyway is gonna’ be Pete.”


“Phew!” some hours had gone by and I’d already worked up another appetite, but there were still chores to be done. I’d plowed a couple of acres, and corralled the cattle from the barn and into the fields. Now it was time to help clean their pens.
I grabbed a broom and began sweepin’ between the stalls, “Sweep-sweep-sweep...” until I heard a murmur towards the end of the barn. I noticed the shadow of a head pop out of one of the stalls, and disappear once I caught them, “Hey! Everythin’ alright back there?” but all I got in return were giggles and the whiff of something that I’d never smelled before.
I put my broom down against a wall and made my way down the hall, “Hello..?” still not a peep. I was on edge, absolutely expectin’ that greasy nerd to have followed me all the way down here, and my dukes were ready, “That’d better not be you, Charlie...” which got a good snort out of the next stall, “Show yer’self!” I leapt into the stalls doorway, but it wasn’t him.
“H-Hey Applejack,” it was a woman, cornered in a pile of hay with her knees against her chest, gigglin’ up a storm. A cloud of white smoke uncovered her face under a pair of glasses. It looked like she was puffin’ out of a lollipop stick, but I couldn’t quite see what flavor it was. I noticed her hair. She must’ve gone to the same hair salon Rainbow Dash went to, though it was mostly different shades of green.
“Uh, somethin’ funny, sugarcube?” I could tell she was tryin’ to act casual.
She muffled another giggle, “Nah, I-I’m good, it’s just... Nah, don’t worry about it. This stuff ain’t for you.” she sat up and offered me a handshake, “Name’s Shurley, it’s nice to finally meet you, AJ.”
Apparently, I had her to thank for my reputation on the farm, or so I was told. I met her handshake with more than a few questions loaded, “Likewise. Shurley you know-”
“Nope, don’t say it. I hate those jokes.”
I chuckled, “Sorry, couldn’t resist.”
Shurley took another sip of her lollipop and blew out a glazed donut cloud, “My firends call me Twifag, so call me that. None of those Shurley you mean yadda yadda. I ain’t in high school anymore.”
I wasn’t too keen on the local dialect, but part of that sounded a bit insensitive, “Twi.. fag?”
“It’s a Chan board thing. Don’t worry, I’m gay as heck, so it’s cool.” She ran her finger under her nose and sent her eyes somewhere else, “I just think Twilight’s a really cool gal, ya’know?”
“I getcha’.” I took a seat in the bail of hay next to her, “So what’s goin’ on? I’ve never met anybody around here, but somehow everyone knows about me and my friends. I wound up here, and without even knowin’ it, everyone wants to help me out. What’s the catch?”
She sighed, “It’d be really hard to explain. All you need to know, is that a lot of people know about what that fat piece of trash Charlie tried to do to you, and you have plenty of friends who want to help you get home.” just like Megan, she was awfully friendly for a stranger, but I could tell that she was still anxious about somethin’.
“But why? How..?” it just didn’t add up, “Why does everyone know everything..?”
“Now’s not a great place to talk. Lunch break’s almost over. Trust me, this is going to be a long conversation.” she put out the fire on her lollipop and tucked it into her pocket. “More importantly, I do know about Lauren Faust though, and where you can find her.”
“You mean at that Babs-Khan place?”
“Ohh, yeah! You’ve done your research. She’s so smart...” she was full of chuckles, and something at the end I couldn’t quite catch, “I’m not exactly sure why you’re here in Cali, what’s going on, or how Faust can help, but I’ve writt-Err, read enough Humans-in-Equestria fics to know that anything’s possible! One way or another, me and my friends are going to get you back to Ponyville.”
Once again, buncha’ jargon, but I was plenty thankful all the same, “Either way, I appreciate it. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been so up a creek before. I don’t know what I’ve done to win everybody over, but I don’t think I could ever repay ya’ll.”
There was that giggle again. It was infectious, “Well, uh, I-I know of one way...”
“Name it, partner.”
Twifag turned into the brightest tomato you’d ever seen, “C-Can I... give you a hug?”
Wasn’t gonna’ lie, that caught me off guard, “Uhm, sure, I guess.”
She scooped me up in her arms, holdin’ me as tight as a bunny at Fluttershy’s therapy sessions, “You... alright?”
“Y-Yeah,” I think she was startin’ to spring a leak, “I’ve just always wanted to hug a pony.”
She whispered something, “God, you smell so good...”
“What?”
“W-What?”


A few more hours had gone by and the sun was takin’ a nose dive. The farmhands were turnin’ in for the day, talkin’ about a nice hot shower and some super, which honestly sounded amazing, “Woo-Wee! What a day...”
An older gentlemen reached down and patted my shoulder, “Now I ain’t sure what yer’ supposed to be, some kinda’ tiny talkin’ horse from another die-mension or whatever, but girl you sure know how to rustle some cattle!” he and a few of the others joined in a laugh.
“Might have to send our bucks to the glue factory, she ‘bout to replace ‘em all, I tell ya what!”
My face turned red, “Aw shucks, it’s all in a days work, fella’s. Thank ya’ kindly!”
Another chick came around and dusted some of the dirt off of my hat, “Saved me a couple hours feedin’ them sows. You’re welcome back anytime, Sugar.”
They were killin’ me.


“Shurley-Erm, Twi-!” I didn’t feel quite right sayin’ the rest of her name.
She stood at a clerk’s window and turned to me, “Hey! Over here!” and I trotted over, “You’re in luck, it’s friday. And you know what that means?” probably payday, I thought, “It’s payday!” Well heck, I’m a regular fortune teller... “I’ve been broke all week, but now we’re set for tomorrow!”
“Well, alright! Seems pretty straight forward.”
The teller handed an envelope to Twi, which she snatched up and tore open like a gift on Hearth’s warmin’ eve. Then it was my turn in line, “Uh, Applejack, was it?”
“Yes, ma’m! Pleased to meet ya.” I peeked up over the counter with my hooves.
The lady didn’t quite have the words for me, “I, uhm... well, I just spoke with Pete, about your pay today, and uhm, well he has it. He’s waiting out front by the gate.”
“Oh,” seemed like he wanted to personally thank me, but the look on her face said otherwise.
“Christ..” Twi sighed, “That’s not a good thing.”
“Why not? Seemed like nice guy to me.”
The clerk shook her head.
Twi leaned against the counter, “How do I put this... ‘Ol Pete is kind of...”
“A jackass?” the clerk answered.
Twi threw her finger, “Yup! A jackass,” she turned back to me, “He’s a real jackass, and a dramatic one too.”
Was it the apples? I could’ve sworn that I apologized, but maybe it wasn’t enough? There went my mood again...
“I’ll grab your stuff, AJ. Meet me at the main gate.” Twi barked.
“Alright!”


I made my way to the gate, and there he stood with an envelope in his hands, talkin’ to a flock of what looked like reporters.
“Yeah, a legitimate talkin’ pony! You’ve gotta’ see it!” Easy Pete caught sight of me, “And there she is! Wearin’ her favorite cowpoke hat. Tell ‘em, Applejack all about how much you love apples.” he slapped the envelope against his hand, darin’ me to utter a word.
A string of gasps rang from the crowd while a few cameras zoomed in on me. Like vultures, a flock of paper pushers and tabloid writers had their pens and microphones ready.
I heard footsteps behind me, “Pete! You son-of-a-bitch.” Twi snarled.
“Watch yer’ tongue, girl. We have guests,” he smirked, “That is if you want your bonus.” He waved my envelop at her, “C’mon folks, let’ get a closer look. Ain’t she cute? Just look at ‘em big ‘ol eyes. She loves apples so much, she got ‘em tramp-stamped across her behind.”
“Stop it!” Twi shouted, “Get your normie click-bait journalists out of here!”
Easy Pete strolled over, without a care in the world, and tossed my paycheck at Twi, “You can have what’s left. If ya’ keep yer’ mouth shut, you’ll get an actual bonus after we make some real dough out of this.” he whispered.
She was fumig, “I can’t believe you...” she tore open the envelope in a rage, “Ten dollars!?”
“Hey, I said fair pay fer’ fair work. Do ya’ have any idea how much a barrel of apples costs?” he laughed like a greasy donkey.
That sorry sack of manure, I thought, but somethin’ was tellin’ me to keep my yap shut around these folks shovin’ their clipboards and microphones into my face. I was being buried alive in questions and quotes and boy, I tell ya’, Kicks and Bucky were fixin’ for a fight, but I needed a quick escape.
“You’re a real piece of work, ya’ know that, Pete?” she crumpled the envelope and stomped past him, “Aj, let’s-!”
Bark!
	The vultures went silent all at once.
“What-!?” Pete cried.
Bark! Bark, bark! It was all I could think of. I shook my hat off of my head and started chewin it like a timberwolf to, well, timber.
“Hah!” a reporter whooped, “It’s just an overgrown Chihuahua!”
“That... explains those freakish eyes,” sighed a cameraman, “What a waste of time... You must be getting senile, old man!” and exactly like the flock of vultures they were, they flew off for more tantalizin’ prey, all the while cursing up a storm. “Oh, don’t worry! We’re going to do a story alright, Pete! On how much of a charlatan you are and how much your ranch sucks!” a car door slammed and one after another they drove away.
A deflated Easy Pete fell to his knees, “Y-You’... why’d ya’...? We could’a put this place back on the map!” he was breathin’ fire, “Do ya’ know how much money ya’ just cost us!?”
Twi couldn’t help herself, “Don’t worry, Pete. Ten bucks should be plenty.” she threw the wrinkled envelope right in his face and walked off into the parking lot, “Oh, and by the way, I quit!” That’a girl!
I trotted by a sewage leak of four letter words, dustin’ the teeth marks and dribbel off of my hat, “Don’t spend it all in one place, Sugarcube.”
> 4 - Dancing in the Moonlight
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had to admit, bein’ inside one of these things the humans called cars was much nicer than bein’ outside of ‘em. Twi must’ve felt bashful, she said it was used and was made by somebody named Hyundai, whoever that was, but this here was lavish even by Rarity’s standards. Soft cloth seats stitched by the curve that’d make Rarity jealous for sure, built-in air conditioning, a crazy lookin’ radio, and it could clock over forty five miles an hour! I wasn’t quite sure if that was literal or some fancy jargon, but this here machine sure had a kick to it.

Over the radio, Twi had been playin’ a hot boogie, which again was more Rarity’s swing, but I couldn’t help jivin’ to it. A jazzy gig ice-skatin’ down a mysterious alleyway with wild strings, brass and sharp keys alongside the voice of an angel. I asked her what it was, but she must’ve gotten embarrassed, sayin’ it was from some video game. It was probably its own conversation, which was absolutely nothin’ compared to the one I’d just sat through.






We’d just driven thru a place called Chick Fillet. Twi got me a bag of fries and a salad, which I wasn’t looking forward to given my experience with human food, but was gracious all the same. “Thanks,” I had a lot of questions, “So... Let me get this straight. My life, is a cartoon show in this world? And ya’ll humans watch me and my friends on some giant thing called an internet?”

“A worldwide computer network that allows people to communicate over thousands of miles apart in mere seconds, yep.” She was mockin’ me now.

“Yeah, t-that, and this show is supposedly real popular?” I tried out what she called a waffle fry; and it wasn’t actually half bad.

“Eh, it used to be a few years ago,” She took a bite out of some sort of hayburger, “but people are flocking back to it now since the last season is about to end.” it was kinda’ cute watchin’ her talk with her mouth full.

“About to end?”

Twi woofed down her bitie with a hard gulp and cleared her throat, “It’s been like, almost ten years now. They’ve done nine seasons and the show’s finale is supposed to be nuts.”

“I didn’t realize my whole life could be condensed into some cartoon...” it was a joke, but it was also humblin’. I wasn’t sure if I was eatin’ the waffle fries because they tasted good, or out of feelin’ sorry for myself, “So, what does all this mean? Is my whole life a lie? Ain’t I real?” That box was gettin’ empty.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, “Don’t get like that, Aj... You’re as real and as strong as they come.” Twi tried to reassure me, “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about what happened...? Like why, and how you ended up here? Maybe it’d make you feel better.”

I really didn’t. It was such a blur, and I still don’t know why that thing appeared in Twilight’s classroom. What did it even want with us? But most of all - why wasn’t I good enough to help?



We pulled up to a nearby lot facing a valley and parked. It was dark, but the lights on the mountains were lit up like a Hearth’s Warming Eve tree. Twi twisted a dial on the radio and the music dimmed. She turned to me, with a hand against my back as if I had somethin’ meaningful to say, “Applejack, talk to me. Just vent if you have to. I want to listen. I want to be here for you...”

I’d only just met her today, and she already knew everythin’ about me and my friends. It felt so strange. Like I wasn’t sure if I could trust her or not, but every chance she got she kept provin’ me wrong. Oh Celestia, there went a tear. Being this homesick was really doin’ a number on me. It wasn’t like me to doubt the goodwill of others, and I hated it.

“...I-It’s okay if you still don’t want to talk about it. I just want you to feel-”

I opened my mouth, but I had to drag the words out, “I-I don’t... I don’t really know what happened.” I had her full attention, but I couldn’t even look her in the eye, “There was so much screamin’ at the school. I ran in to help, but nothin’ made any sense.” It didn’t hit me until I really stopped and thought about it, “There were a lot of youngin’s runnin’ away but, it felt kinda’ empty actually, as if a lot of ponies had disappeared all a of sudden. I went to Rainbow Dash’s classroom, but she was gone.” My muzzle was gettin’ runny, “T-Twilight always had answers, even when she was, ya’ know, Twilightin’. I ran to one of the labs, and some weird monster had shown up that I’d never seen before. Twilight and Starlight were there tryin’ to do somethin’ about it. I remember Starlight floatin’ up into the air and Twilight was panickin’.” I was havin’ a hard time maintainin’ my composure, “I asked her what was goin’ on, I-I was just tryin’ to help, but she just zapped me with some kinda’ teleportation spell...” I was tremblin’ so much, I must’ve looked like such a fool, “Th-They’re in trouble. I just know it, and I-”

Twi grabbed me, almost yankin’ me outta’ my seat.

“S-Stop. I-I’m gonna’ get your shirt dirty...” I was so ashamed, but I couldn’t get free of her arms and subconsciously, I probably couldn’t do anything about it anyway. I held on tight like a lost puppy, and cried out, “I just wanna’ see ‘em again! Even if I’m not good enough!”

I heard her glasses hit the dashboard, and her arm runnin’ over my head. I was contagious, “Don’t you ever say that. Y-You are good enough, Applejack.”

I let it all out like a big idiot, and I ruined her nice shirt.



She held onto my hoof for the entire drive back to her place. We didn’t talk much, but she made me feel like I could count on her for anything.

It must’ve been late. The car drove up another hill and then to the parking lot of an old apartment complex, “It’s uh, a bit dirty by the way. Wasn’t expecting guests today.” Twi chuckled, tryin’ to brighten the mood.

I wiped the soggy look off of my face, determined not to be such a sourpuss, “You should see the barn after the family comes over for the cider festival.”

The car came to a stop near a dimly lit concrete staircase. Together with my big book of friendship tied around my caboose, we hiked up the stairs and after a few turns we made it to her front door. Twi fiddled through her pocket for a key until she eventually got the door open, “Try not to step on anything.”

“Aw, it can’t be that-” but it was. Albeit not nearly as clammy as ‘ol charmin’ Charlie’s abode, there was still plenty to sweep. Her home was cramped, and cramped even by pony standards, which I found odd. There wasn’t a single wall in between the livin’ room, the bedroom, or even the kitchen. It was as if she’d just moved into a closet and called it a day. At least the toilet had its own room, which I found funny for some reason.

She wasn’t much better off than Charlie though when it came to merchandise, she had plenty, but unlike Charlie, she had the common sense to keep her collectibles of us ponyfolk in a fancy glass case. It was a mighty fine display. Sadly, the trash bags, bras, and pizza boxes on the floor didn’t do it any favors. I was honestly strugglin’ for compliments, “W-Well...!”

Twi cut me off at the pass with a laugh, “It’s a sty, I know. Don’t worry, just make yourself at home.” She tossed the bag of Chick Fillet onto the kitchen counter, right next a couple of other bags of Chick Fillet. “Oh hey, I left JoJo on.” Some weird show was playin’ in mute on what I imagined was supposed to be a TeeVee. Big strappin’ young men were havin’ at it, and apparently shoutin’ all kinds of things at each other by the looks of it.

I did some more explorin’ while she settled. Something that definitely helped with the smell were all the frilly candles she had everywhere. I came to a desk, and there were four glass jars covered in wax stains. It looked like she’d refilled and reused them several times. Beside them sat what I was told earlier was a compewter, “Is this what ya’ll use for that internet thing?” It had a bright window covered in conversations and a locomotive’s worth of buttons in front of it.

“Oh, yeah that’s my rig. Sorry, I left Fimfiction on. Was wri-, reading some fics last night...”

Now that sounded familiar, “Charlie mentioned one of them there ficks. Talkin’ about how he was gonna’ finish his dark fickabout me and the girls and make us pay, whatever that meant.”

“Oh god, what a quack.” she laughed, “I’m so sorry you had to deal with that idiot. He has a bit of a reputation on that site. CrimsonAlicornBladeX95...” there was a visible cringe, “Or Charlie as he’s more commonly known. He’s a total Lol-cow, and his fanfics are almost as bad as his ego.”

“So what’s a fick anyway? Like some kinda’ magic?”

I was killin’ Twi with the jokes apparently. She caught her breath after a second, “N-No, no. Not at all. Think of it like a story that a fan writes about something that they enjoy.”

“Oh,” It made a lot more sense in retrospect, not that it made me feel better knowin’ that fat quad was writin’ up saucy stories about molestin’ me. What kind of weirdo would even do somethin’ like that?

Twi opened her fridge and took a long swig of orange juice, right out of the jug, “By the way, if you’re curious about watching your show, I’ll put it on for you.”

“Oh, this I gotta’ see.”

She pointed at her couch, “Have a seat.” and pressed a button on some black doo-hickey. The window to the Tv suddenly changed from big burly men to little technicolor ponies, which I also found amusin’ for some reason. “I’ll put on one of my favorite Applejack episodes for you. Way back from the first season.”

I wasn’t sure how to prepare myself for it, but I was watchin’ that cartoon one way or another, “This outta’ be interestin’. Can’t wait to see what ya’ll humans got wrong.”

I was really startin’ to enjoy that laugh of her’s. She clicked a few more buttons and soon enough I was watchin’ a commercial for somethin’ called Discovery Family, with Twilight’s face sittin’ dead center of the screen, “I’m going to take a shower. Enjoy.” and she disappeared behind a door.

There I was, sittin’ pretty on a couch between a bra and giant stuffed toy of your’s truly. I gazed over at my fuzzy stunt double while my voice began to play off of the Tv.

“I got my work cut out for me. That there’s the biggest bumper crop of apples I ever laid eyes on.”

“E’yup. Too big for you to handle on your own.”

I grabbed the applebuckin’ doll and held it in my hooves, takin’ a glimpse into those cold dead eyes of her’s.

“C’mon, big brother. You need to rest up and get yourself better. I haven’t met an apple orchard yet I can’t handle. Oops! Sorry... I’ll take a bite out of this job by day’s end.”

“Bitin’ off more than you can chew is just what I’m afraid of.”

“Are you sayin’ my mouth is makin’ promises my legs can’t keep?”

“E’yup.”

It looked exactly like the stubborn mare on Tv, fixin’ to prove herself to everypony, and make a mess of things all over again.

“Why of all the... This is your sister Applejack, remember? The loyalest of friends and most dependable of ponies!”

“But still only one pony, and one pony plus hundreds of apple trees just doesn’t add up.”

“Don’t use your fancy mathematics to muddy the issue! I said I could handle this harvest and I’m gonna’ prove it to you! I’m gonna’ get every last one of those apples this applebuck season all by myself!”

I hated her. I hated her so much. That useless insecure mare didn’t care one bit about applebuck season or the farm! She just wanted to satisfy that ego of her’s, and prove that she was worthy of inheritin’’ that farm one day.

There went my hooves, rattlin’ again. I tossed away that awful lookin’ doll against a trash bag. I must’ve looked so pitiful, I felt my eyes soggin’ up again. I went to wipe away my misery, and then kept waitin’ for my hoof to drive by, “What the-?” I waved my hoof right in front of my face, and somehow I could still see a puny purple pony floatin’ down to Earth in a hot air balloon, “What in the world..?” My heart began racin’ faster than a rabbit at the derby.

“W-What’s goin on?” My whole body was flickerin’ like a light bulb. ”Ouch...!” I winced, throwin’ my hat away to an awful migraine, “Dang’it! Ow...!”

Somethin’ was wrong, really wrong. The throbbing was gettin’ so bad, I couldn’t even see straight. All I could grasp was some awful song about friendship and water splashing against the bathroom tile until I couldn’t tell either of them apart no more.

I threw myself onto my back, grippin’ the sides of my skull, “S-Stop it! Ouch...! Please, Twi! Help-!” With a sudden crash, everything went silent all at once. It felt like my eardrums had both popped at the same time.

I managed to squeeze open an eye, and I couldn’t believe it, “Wha-!?” Turquoise cobblestones beneath my hooves, a bavarian town for as far as I could see, and a bright sunny sky without a single cloud, “P-Ponyville!? What in tarnation is goin’ on!?” I was standin’ in the middle of the street, as suddenly as I’d arrived in California. The atmosphere was the same as it always was, warm and cheerful.

“Hey there, Applejack!” greeted a friendly smile trottin’ past.

“H-Hey,” I was a mess, but before I could ask anything, the pony had already past around a corner, and then there they were, that laughter that I loved so much. “Girls...?”

I was gettin’ sick of crying like a baby, but I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been so happy to see them. “Twilight! Rarity! Fluttershy! Pinkie! Dash! Starlight!” I cried at the top of my lungs, throwin’ myself at them, but the only thing that caught me was asphalt, “Ouf-!”

“Oh, uh, hey there, Applejack.” I’d wanted to hear Twilight’s voice for so long, but somethin’ was different, “S-Sorry, I just wasn’t expecting you.”

I wiped the dirt off of my face and tried to pick out their faces with the sun in my eye, “W-Wha...?”

Dash floated in, “Erm, is anyone going to tell her? Because we might as well...”

“Darling! Don’t be so brash!” barked Rarity, “We wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings.”

Fluttershy tried to mumble somethin’, but I couldn’t hear it over Pinkie’s hollerin’, “Yeah! It’s not Applejack’s fault! She was gone, and we needed an extra pony to stop Erebus from terrifying the town!”

This wasn’t the Twilight I knew, “I-I really don’t know if now’s the best time for explanations, but-!” and then I noticed the golden glimmer shinin’ off of the sunlight. Why were they wearin’ the Elements of Harmony? What had happened? Who was Erebus?

A pair of lavender hooves suddenly split the group into two, “Sorry, Aj, but I’m the Element of Honesty now.”

“Starlight!!” the girls cried out.

“What? None of you were going to tell her. I was just being honest.” that Starlight rolled her eyes and trotted off, wearin’ my amulet. The others followed suit. Not a single one of them could bare to look at me, and I probably couldn’t blame them.

I hid my sorry face under my hat, “I-I’m sorry that I wasn’t here for ya’ll... You needed me, and I let ya’ll down, again.”

Twilight glanced back at me, scratchin’ the back of her head, “Look Applejack, it’s fine. Everyone’s safe now. That’s all that matters. We’re still friends, alright?”

“Of course!” I desperately coughed up, “I’ll always be there for ya’ll!”

“I-It’s just that, well,” Twilight got that wild look in her eye when it came to spells, “Starlight Glimmer’s magic actually amplifiedthe Elements! It was amazing! They’re so much more potent now than they were before. I don’t know how or why, but the Elements choose her! It was-!”

Rarity saved my breakin’ heart, “Darling, you’re making things worse.”

“I-It’s okay! I understand!” I begged, holdin’ back every tear I could, “I-I’m just glad that ya’ll are safe.”

“Yeah,” I could tell Twilight was tryin’ to reconcile, but a tug of Dash’s hoof got her attention.

“We, uh, we should probably get going. This is getting awkward...”

“Yeah, we’ve, uh, we have to check on the School.“ Twilight sputtered, “It should be safe to wander around town now. Bye!” she followed behind a hesitant Rarity and Rainbow Dash. Pinkie waved with the saddest smile I’d ever seen her sport before doing the same.

Fluttershy helped me up from the ground, “You know, Applejack. If it makes you feel any better, I told them that we should look for you first before trying to stop Erebus, but the girls said that we didn’t have time for that.” My chest felt so cold and tight, “You should head home and get some rest, Applejack. You look awfully tired.”

“Th-Thanks, Fluttershy...”

“Goodbye, Applejack.” She gave me a weak smile, and turned away to follow the others who were clearly waiting for her.

I took a seat in the middle of the road like someone who’d just been thrown out of a bar. My hooves were shakin’ again. I tried to make sense of them, but they just kept gettin’ wet.

“What’s wrong with her?” I heard someone ask down the block.

“Let’s leave her be. She’s just having another bad day.”

I bit my lip, hopin’ Id draw some blood. Anything at all to make everything stop, anything I could do to just stop breathin’ I desperately wanted to try.

“What is she doing...? Is she-?”

“Applejack!” there was a sudden ring in my ear, and the whole world dimmed all at once.

My ears popped ,“Twi!?” My eyes darted around the room I’d just been sitting on, the asphalt turned to old leather and the warm spring air replaced with the smell of day old pizza. I seized up, grippin’ the sides of my head and clenchin’ my eyelids tight. I didn’t want to know where I’d end up next if I opened them again.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” an echo called out.

I felt like I was stuck in an apple tree in the middle of a hurricane, “That wasn’t them, that wasn’t real, that wasn’t them, that wasn’t real, that wasn’t them, that wasn’t real...” I couldn’t stop. I was filled with loud worry and I had no idea how to climb down.

I felt a pair of grips on my shoulders and the distant shouts of Twi callin’ out to me, but somethin’ in me didn’t want to answer. I wanted to just leave and never bother that poor soul again. All I was, was a waste of time and effort, not even my best friends needed me around anymore. I was better off thrown into a trash heap, just like that doll.

Something furry and damp met my forehead, and all of a sudden, the world got a lot softer, “Breathe... One... Two... Three... Four... Five... Just breathe...” I took a long breath with the aid of her hands rubbing up and down my arms, and my heart began to calm. “Keep going... follow my voice... I’m right here, Applejack.”

I let out a sigh, and slowly I opened my eyes to a face only a mother could make.

“Applejack, are you alright?” poor thing, I’d made her so worried, “You looked like a ghost.”

“I-I don’t know... It felt like I was back in ponyville again, and everythin’ was fine but... My friends. They... They were awful to me...” she fell into me, holdin’ me tight between her arms, “I-I’m so sorry for bein’ so dumb. This ain’t like me. I-I just keep dumpin’ my baggage on ya’ and you keep carryin’ everything without a word. I just don’t wanna’ bother you with all of my useless nonsense anymore...”

“Stop. Don’t you dare talk like that. You’re not bothering me one bit.” Honestly, I had no idea where I’d be if I hadn’t met her. She threw off some couch debris, took a seat next to me and sighed, “You must’ve had some sort of night terror or something. I know your-Well, I know of your friends, and I know that they would never treat you poorly, ever. No matter what you did.”

I wanted to believe her, but after the last couple of days, heck, the last couple of minutes, I wasn’t sure what to believe anymore.

She pointed her remote to the Tv, and silenced it, “Listen, uh, Can I tell you a story, Applejack? It’s important.”

“Of course you can, Twi...”



Twi reached over to a nightstand that was by her bed and grabbed a small orange bottle with a white cap on it. She shook it, but it didn’t make a sound. She then twisted off the cap like her life depended on it and sank an eye right through it, “Damnit... my meds better come in tomorrow...” she cursed before throwin’ the empty bottle across the room.

“You, uh, alright?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m good.” she didn’t sound very convincing, “Anyway...” She sunk the back of her head into the headrest and put her feet up, “A long time ago, when I was still in highschool, I used to know a girl named Abigail. I was a freshman, and she was a sophomore. I was a pretty big loser back then,” she chuckled, “Abby was tall, blonde, and a total bombshell, and I was this meek kid who was into pink girly thing and cartoons. She was so strong and brave. She wore her heart on her sleeve.She always told you what was on her mind. She was blunt, but she told you what you needed to hear, even if you didn’t like it.”

She curled up, “One day, me being the dumb loner that I was, found myself getting picked on by these senior chicks. It was nothing new, I’d gotten used to being the butt of a lot of jokes, but it was bad this time. They started shoving me around and picking at my hair, trying to take my pink backpack, and here comes Abby. She doesn’t even know me yet, but without a thought she slugs one of the bullies hard, cursing up a storm, talking about how she was gonna’ kick all of their asses if they didn’t leave me alone.” she let out another giggle, “Of course, she only got so far until she was just taking hits for me.”

“They ended up taking my backpack in the end, and left me with a black eye, but there was Abby, laughing with a bloody lip. Ya’ alright there, Clementine? Offering me her hand with that hot country accent of her’s.” she sighed, “I guess I have her to thank for being into girls. I had no idea what falling in love was like, but she became my world after that day. She took her shirt off and wiped the blood and tears off of my face with it. I’ll never forget those cute freckles she had on her shoulders and how that sports bra made her look like badass.” she snorted again, blushin’ like a schoolgirl, “God, I remember so many late nights thinking about her.”

“Anyway, we became friends after that. Everyday we’d sit together for lunch and chat about how much school sucked, about boys and about how much she hated being at home with her awful family. Little did she know about how I felt. Every single day before lunch, I’d rehearse how I was going to ask her out at the table, but I was such a dork back then. I’d always end up doing stupid little things like giving her my chocolate milk or making myself look like an idiot trying to compliment her. I figured by now the damage was already done, and there was no way she was going to want to date some scrawny flat-chested girl like me.”

“One day though, I finally managed to work up the courage. I’ll never forget it. The bell had rang and we were about to return to class. I grabbed her arm and stopped her. I could see it all over her face. She knew what was coming, and I already knew the answer, but I did it anyway. I told her exactly how I felt, that I’d always admired her.” she sniffed back a tear, “That I wanted to be with her. Would you want to go out to a movie with me sometime?”

“It was so awkward, and out of nowhere she just started laughing at me, saying that it took me long enough to ask.” she fluttered, “I was so happy, and I jumped at it like an idiot just for her to go back on it. Woah! Ah’ didn’t mean it like that. Ah’ knew you were into me, but sorry, Ah ain’t into girls. Yer’ one of my best friends anyway, Shurley. There’s no way it’d work out.”

I could feel her heart breakin’ all over again, “I-I’m so sorry...”

“It gets worse. I was such a dumbass back then, and I couldn’t control myself. I started shouting at her, right in the middle of the cafeteria, calling her a selfish bitch for friendzoning me. Asking how she could laugh at me like that. We started screaming at each other like an old married couple. Abby told me that if I ever stalked her that she’d knock my lights out and I told her to go ‘ef herself. Hah! Ah bet you’d like to watch that, creep!”

“Abby and I didn’t talk for almost two weeks. We’d make awkward eye contact across the cafeteria, but we never spoke. I went back to being a loser, and she moved on to other friends. If I wasn’t obsessed with her before, I definitely was now. I was so in love with her that I hated her.” Twi dried her eyes with the towel over her head.

“One night, I’m laying in bed, and as usual I can’t get her out of my head. Out of the blue, my cell phone starts ringing. It’s her, but I’m still mad at her and I silence it. I was so bitter, but I had no idea how to just be normal and talk to her about it, let alone apologize. She calls me again and again, and I keep silencing my phone. A minute passes, and now I’m waiting for the ring this time with a one-liner loaded, until it finally rings again. I answer, and all she gets in is a nervous breath before I shout, Leave me alone, you bitch! I didn’t want to hear anything she had to say, and so I hung up my phone as quickly as I could. Like an actual bitch, I toss my phone across my room and not even a second went by before I started regretting it. But of course, I’m a total loser, and so I leave it at that, bawling up and crying myself to sleep.”

“I went back to school the next day. Same routine, lunch bell goes off and there I am with my Abby radar out so I could avoid her at all costs. I had my nasty looks ready to shoot at her, but I couldn’t find her anywhere.”

“A few more days went by, and they have this dickhead councilor come into our class and tell us that Abby committed suicide. This lady starts going on like she’s Abby’s best friend, about how her family had abused her and that she could’ve talked to someone about it like it was any of her goddamned business.” her voice trembled. I could see the teeth marks in her lips a mile away. “I didn’t want to believe it. I remember running to the bathroom, feeling like I was going to throw up. I went through my cracked phone, looking for a voicemail, a new message from her, anything at all, but they were all the same old conversations that we used to have.” She shook her head, “I... I could’ve answered. I-I could’ve saved Abby, and she’d still be here, but I had to be such a piece of garbage just because I didn’t get what I wanted...”

Twi must’ve been so ashamed, she couldn’t even look at me, nor did I have a single word to meet her with. She clenched her fists over her lap, and underneath I caught a glimpse of the scars she’d left over her wrists. The last thing I dared say was that I knew the feelin’, but I did, especially over the last few days. There was just no shakin’ that guilt. I protected her fists with a hoof and rested my head against her arm.

Twi pulled me in, “I murdered that girl... and I promised that I’d never forgive myself for as long as I lived.” She built up a bit of courage to glance over at me, pruned cheeks and all, “But I stuck around long enough to enjoy that dumb show about those slittle ponies and their cute little friendship adventures. God, this is embarrassing...” she bit her lip one more time, “You were always one of my favorite ponies. You were like the big sister to Twilight and all of her friends. Brave, smart, resourceful, and as honest a friend as they came. You reminded me so much of Abby... Like she’d died and went on to greener pastures over in Ponyville.”

“God, this is so lame, but, watching you... I guess it really helped me cope. I grew up after highschool, came out of my shell, went to college, made some new friends, dropped out, made some more friends and even got a job at that dumb farm, and every saturday morning I’d watch your show and smile. I have you to thank for helping me become a better person.” she hugged me so tight, we were starting to lose track of which tears belonged to who, “So don’t you ever say that you’re dumb or useless. You’ve done so much for me, and so many other people. You’re an inspiration, Applejack, and you’re a wonderful little pony.”

That last part got a chuckle out of me. I must’ve really been crazy, or maybe I’d died in an accident and reincarnated someplace else. This couldn’t be real, but Twi sure did have a knack for spoilin’ me, “I think I really needed to hear that.” I curled up against her, “Thankyou Twi.”

We sat together as Twilight Sparkle, preflight surgery, recited a letter to Princess Celestia about the importance of bein’ honest and askin’ for help. It was pretty cheesy for a cartoon, even if I remembered every second of it like it was yesterday, but it sure as heck was fittin’.

“I never understood, but why did Spike pick those nasty looking muffins out of the trash like that? Even Pinkie looks grossed out.” Twi tried breakin’ the tension, the least I could do is oblige.

“...H-He’s a dragon. It’s just gonna’ get cooked in his stomach anyway.” I forced a chuckle, and bless her heart, she didn’t let me down.



Eventually, we both decided that we’d ‘ought to hit the hay. One way or another, tomorrow was goin’ to be a might strange. I was already havin’ second thoughts about Ms. Faust given she wasn’t much more than a writer at this point, but Twi told me to trust her, that she had help and more importantly, a plan.

She’d cleared off the couch for me. Twi didn’t have any spare blankets, but she did give me some pillows and a sweater made for a yak to sleep under, “Goodnight, Twi, and uh, thanks again, Twi. Really, for everythin’ you’re doin’ for me.”

She turned out the lights with the flip of a switch, “Don’t mention it, we’ll go over everything tomorrow. Just make sure you get your beauty sleep.” she walked past me and fluffed up my mane. You’d think I’d have been a tad annoyed, but she knew how to pamper me just right, “Night, kiddo.” Twi hopped onto her bed and turned herself over with a blanket.

I sighed, countin’ the kernels of popcorn on the ceiling. I wondered if I’d ever make it back home. Thankfully, I’d tripped into the final stages of grief. Worst came to shove, I had a great friend right here.



That orchard grass never grew tired of bein’ cozy. The sun was settin’ and I had the tallest apple tree around watchin’ over me. I elbowed him for a hint, and the big root passed me another apple. I sunk my teeth in and copped a mouthful of crisp. That rich flavor never got old, and it’d been the ninety seventh apple I’d had that day.

I was so proud. I’d finally put Sweet Apple Acres on the map. All it took was lying here under this tree, eatin’ my way to victory. The farm was set for the next ten years, and all I had to do was sit back and enjoy.

I gave the trunk another clue, and caught an apple in my mouth without even lookin’. “W-What the-?” my body shuttered, and before I knew it, I felt my backside burstin’ with somethin’ fierce. I leapt to my hooves, and found myself questionin’ the natural laws of biology, “W-When did those get there...!?”

Two galant wings had sprung up out of my back like a pair of celery stalks in the middle of July. “Hoo’ doggie! I’m gonna’ give Rainbow Dash a run for her money with these babies.” I didn’t even need to wear them in. Flappin’ and foldin’ them came as natural as applebuckin’. Speakin’ of which, I gave that tree another one-four, and big delicious delivered onto me yet another beautiful bright red apple. I took a proud bite, and my whole head shook with a vengeance. “Huh!?”

I saw a shadow over my nose, long and conical shaped, fashioned for a true ruler of Equestria. it was unmistakable, “You’ve gotta’ be kiddin’ me!” I took off my desperado, and there it was. Somehow a noble alicorn horn had grown right out of the crown of my hat, “Well, I’ll be...” It sure looked sharp, and could probably zap somepony into next week. I gave it a good spit shine before tossin’ the adorned hat back onto my noggin, adjustin’ it to make sure that my new scepter was facin’ forward.

Not only could I fly circles around Dash, but I was a direct threat to the Royal Throne of Canterlot. “Now this here’s a game changer, but wait... If Twilight’s the Princess of Friendship, then what am I the princess of?”

Makin’ bits, I thought with a hearty chuckle. Or maybe accounting’? Diplomacy? Trade negotiations? Heck, as long as it made me an honest bit at the end of the day, they could’ve called me the Queen of County Finance for all I cared.

This called for a celebration. I took the Givin’ Tree in my sights, and gave it a light singe. Like clockwork, another apple fell before my authority, except this apple was much larger than usual.

“Applejack!” her red bow perked up to grab my attention.

“Applebloom? Have you been up in that tree this entire time?”

“Heya’ big sis!” She wore a pitiful smile, like the world had just crumbled around her and she’d already accepted it. “Just wanted to stop by and say - Thanks for tryin’!”

“Wha..?” and then it got worse. Dozens of Appleblooms all came tumblin’ down from the branches above, all shoutin’, “Thanks for tryin’!” over and over.

“Con’sarnit! Pull yourself together, Applebloom! This is no time for witchcraft!” but they just kept droppin’ barkin’ nonsense like a broken record. It got so bad that the ground beneath me began to quake, “Whoa-!” My hooves shook as the Earth grew more and more ornery.



“Ahh-!” I rolled off of the couch in a fright, tangled in the world’s thickest sweater, “I-I’m gettin’ real sick of these weird dreams and visions, I tell ya’.” I mumbled to myself, but somethin’ was wrong. Somethin’ was still shakin’, even without the herd of fallin’ Applebloom’s.

The boxspring beside my couch had had gone off the deep end, rattlin’ somethin’ fierce, but it was too dark to see properly, “Twi? What’s wrong?” I called out, but she just kept sleepin’ under a wild torrent of blankets.

“Twi! Say somethin’! Wake up!” I pinched her covers in between my teeth, and yanked them off, “T-Twi?” She just laid there, flat on her stomach, twitchin’ uncontrollably. “Twi!!” I scrambled onto the bed and shook her shoulder, but all she could do was sputter, “Wake up, Twi!”

I had no idea what was wrong with her, and even less of an idea of how to help. “No, No, please...! Cut it out, Twi!” I pulled her shoulder, tryin’ to turn her over. I’d underestimated how much humans weighed, and had to put my legs into it, but eventually I turned her onto her side.

I winced at the sight, “Oh Luna...!” She was as stiff as a two by four, flexin’ her arms and legs straight out. Her eyes had rolled into the back of her skull and she was grittin’ her teeth. There were blood stains all over her mouth and cheek. I feared the worst, and wiped some of it away, stretchin’ out her lips and inspectin’ her teeth, but they were still pearly white. It didn’t look like she’d bitten off her tongue thankfully, so she must’ve had a gusher go off in her nose.

I was tryin’ my darndest not to panic, but I’d never seen a condition like this before in Equestria. Was this normal? Did she have some sort of condition? I’d be lying if I’d said I’d been all out of tears that night, but somehow I still had some left over, “Twi, please! Yer’ scarin’ me. Please, wake up.” I kept shovin’ her shoulder, but to avail.

A loud crash hit the floor behind me, which didn’t help me one bit. It was one of Twi’s candles that had been knocked off of her nightstand from the comotion, “That’s it!“ I was certainly no doctor, but I didn’t exactly have much else to work with. I grabbed one of her big scented candles and took a whiff. It had a pungent apple crisp smell to it that hit me like a freight train.

I laid the rim of the candle jar right in front of her nose, hopin’ a strong scent might calm her down a notch, “Twi, please wake up. Please!”

It must’ve been dumb luck, or maybe whatever nightmare she was havin’ had finally run its course, but to my relief her body finally eased itself, “Oh thank Luna...” Her tense joints began to soften and she sank back into her mattress with a heavy sigh.



I reckoned I’d help clean up a bit. So I headed to her bathroom and returned with a towel to wipe up the turmoil from her face, and a clean one for her to rest on, which didn’t exactly last long.

“Gah-!” her hands shot up to her forehead, “Uhnng...!”

I cradled her shoulder, “You alright there, Clementine? Had me scared...”

“Applejack...” Twi squinted up at me with a sour look and a goofy smile, like she was about to start sobbin’ all over again, “I-I’m so sorry that I put you through that-Ouch...” her head must’ve been killin’ her, “S-Stupid pharmacy... Closing before I can pick up my meds.”

I ran the top of my hoof past her cheek, wipin’ away a lone tear, “I’m just glad yer’ alright. Don’t think I could stomach losin’ you after everything I’ve been through lately...”

Twi wrapped her arm around my backside, tryin’ to pull herself closer to me. I wasn’t sure what had happened, but I could tell that deep down she was scared.

I nestled in beside her, “Do you want me to stay with ya’ while you sleep?”

She put her head against my chest, “Please...”

I put a hoof around her back, and rested my head against her’s, “Get some rest, Clementine. I’ll watch over ya’.”