After Rarity makes a pass at Rainbow Dash, the two ponies come to a revelation, and they decide to look more into the issue...together.
After Rarity makes a pass at Rainbow Dash, the two ponies come to a revelation, and they decide to look more into the issue...together. A light humor piece. Will (hopefully) feature all of the Mane 6 plus Spike. Rated T for suggestive content.
Rarity showed up at Rainbow Dash's Cloudominium one evening with a smile on her face. Rainbow Dash was a bit confused, because Rarity couldn't fly. She said Spike carried her all the way to the top with his new pair of wings.
"Spike? He did?" Rainbow Dash said.
"Yes. All the way up." Rainbow Dash was trying to picture little Spike carrying big Rarity. She giggled. Oh, the things that dragon would do for Rarity. But the fact that Rarity went to all that trouble, just to show up at her place.
Rainbow Dash wasn't expecting Rarity, which was strange. They almost never met in pony without a prior appointment. And she was smiling, which wasn't unusual, but…that smile. The smile was different today.
Rarity took on seat on Rainbow Dash's couch. "So how was your day?" she asked.
"Aww, I just came back from Wonderbolt practice." She still had her Wonderbolt uniform on. "We've been working on a new formation for the festival coming up. I'm in the middle. I'm doing this new move I came up with. It's AWESOME! I call it the Sonic Rainloop."
Rainbow Dash turned to face her. Something…wasn't right. She couldn't put her hoof on it. She was blinking, but…blinking? She was blinking at…her. She was blinking at her a lot.
After a long silence, Rainbow Dash said, "What's wrong, Rarity? You're…you're kind of not yourself today."
Rarity didn't answer the question. She kept fluttering her eyelashes, and smiling weird, and she said, "Rainbow Dash, darling. Is there something you would like to tell me?"
Rainbow Dash sat up, dumbstruck. "Erm…not…really…?" Is she expecting me to say something? She thought.
"Oh really Rainbow Dash?" Rarity said. "You have nothing to say." She was smiling with that weird smile again. Her voice turned sultry as she leaned closer to Rainbow Dash. "I was thinking…we might…kindle that fire you were talking about."
Rainbow Dash thought about what Rarity said—more like whispered to her, in a low, sultry voice. She'd never heard Rarity's sultry voice before. That I was talking about? What could that possibly…oh. Rainbow Dash's eyes widened, as if she realized something. Her face turned frightened.
"Erm…I-I-I don't know what you're talking about Rarity! What note? I…I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Come on, Rainbow Dash. You know. Don't be fussy." Rainbow Dash cringed as Rarity groped her flank. She struggled more than she expected. Was Rainbow Dash…that averse to intimacy? After a few seconds of light pushing, the Wonderbolt screamed, "NO WAIT STOP WHAT ARE YOU DOING GET OFF ME!" She shoved Rarity all the way to the other end of the room.
Rarity went to a corner of the room. She used her magic to grab a tissue from the table, and she wiped her tears. It wasn't a lot of tears, Rainbow Dash noticed. Just a puddle the size of a dinner plate. By Rarity standards, it wasn't a lot of tears at all.
The unicorn was mumbling to herself. Rainbow Dash could hear her: "But who in Equestria could it be? It has to be you. I thought if I used my feminine wiles on you, you'd give in. Sigh. I guess you're not as much of a sex-crazed pushover as I thought."
"Rarity, what are you going on about? I think you have some explaining to do. That was really weird just now."
Rarity nodded. Her ears dropped. "I'm…I'm terribly sorry, Rainbow Dash. Well, I see no other possibility but to explain it to you straight," she said. (She realized her bad pun later.) "Early this morning, I received this…love letter in my mail. Here."
Rainbow Dash read it out loud. Her eyes widened. Written in verse, it said:
"'My loveliest dearest: I am your secret admirer, I long for you to kindle my fire. I love you very much, and your beautiful mane I long to touch. I may be a little fussy, but deep inside I would love to lick your…' EEW! That's gross!" It was signed at the bottom: "'Your lesbian best friend.'"
"Th-this is disgusting!" Rainbow Dash said.
"What are you talking about!? You sent it to me!"
Rainbow Dash shook her head violently. "I-I-I didn't! I swear!"
Rarity wasn't smiling anymore. She had a stern, angered look on her face. "Well, the poem doesn't even have a paucity of class or sophistication. The verse is off-meter, the rhymes weak at best. Considering the poem is so witless, I figured it could only be you."
"Hey! I resent that! I can write well! I read more books than you do!"
"If you can even call that 'Daring Do' literature!"
Rainbow Dash was fuming. She was flying back and forth the room, trying to release her anger. "We…we're not starting this again!" Rarity closed the distance between them, until their snouts were just touching. They glared at each other. They looked…oddly the same. Their eyes were squinted the same. They were angry. They were both…growling at each other? Softly. It almost sounded like cooing. Like, they would totally growl/coo at each other if they were angry. Of course.
They stopped glaring. Rarity was the first to pull back. "B-but if there's anypony who's my 'lesbian best friend,' I figured would have to be you."
"B-but I'm not…!" Rainbow Dash protested.
"…you're sure?" Rarity was glaring again.
"Positive!"
"Oh. Hmm. Funny thing. I always thought you were."
"I didn't send that note to you!" Rainbow Dash repeated. "I swear!"
"Are you sure…?" Rarity said. She glared at Rainbow Dash, but not too close. She didn't want to get contaminated by Rainbow Dash's alleged "gayness."
"I swear! Honest!" Rainbow Dash said. "I was at Wonderbolt practice all day. How could I have possibly sent you that letter?"
"You were?" Rarity was still skeptical. So, she visited some of the Wonderbolts that evening. They all saw Rainbow Dash at practice, from dawn to dusk. Rainbow Dash was doing Sonic Rainloops with 20 other ponies watching her at all times.
After Rarity learned this, she went back to say sorry to Rainbow Dash. "I guess I owe you an apology."
Rarity wanted to add, "So I guess we're still friends?" and give her a little friendly hug. But she didn't, because she thought, given the situation…that wouldn't exactly be very appropriate. Rarity just settled for a little head nod. Rainbow Dash nodded back.
"Well. Somepony we know very well wrote that letter. And I think we should find out who it is and bring them to justice!"
"Justice? You mean…an investigation…?" Rarity's face lit up. Like the last time, she thought, when I so gracefully cleared my friend Rainbow Dash from suspicion. And my detective's coat… "Ooh! Splendid! I've been dying to try out this new outfit…"
"Oh, come on!" Dash covered her face with her wing.
Rarity thought about it. "Oh, you're right, that regular velvet jacket I wore the last time looked absolutely ridiculous on me. Crushed velvet is much more in vogue this year. Come, Rainbow Dash!"
"It's getting late, Rarity! We don't have time for frou-frou things like that!"
Rarity had an idea. "On the other hand, I could go and re-interview your captain, Spitfire. There's some things about your past…I would love to know more about."
Rainbow Dash suddenly had a change of heart. "Well, what are you waiting for? Let's go pick your outfit! I'll fly you back down!"
"As I thought," Rarity said. Just like that. I'll use my feminine wiles to get what I want, and solve the mystery. I'm a detective after all. Detective Rarity.
"Detective Rarity, huh?" Rainbow Dash said, stifling a laugh.
"Oh, goodness, did I say that out loud? Well, you see, erm, I…I'm practicing my lines for a character I'm playing at an upcoming play," she lied. "The character's called…erm…"
"'Detective Rarity'?" Dash suggested.
It does have a nice ring to it. Detective Rarity. "Yes! Erm…I mean, no! I…erm." Rarity lost her high-class behavior to embarrassment. She stood at the spot for a while, sweating and fidgeting nervously.
Rainbow Dash nudged her flank in a teasing way. "And you made such a big fuss when I talked in my sleep when I had that dream about becoming the captain of the Wonderbolts."
"Well, that was different," Rarity said, recalling that time. "We were all watching you. You were practically screaming 'AWESOME!' in your sleep. And Pinkie Pie said that you…" she whispered the rest.
"I-I-I wasn't!" Dash said. Could I have? While I was asleep? I don't remember.
"Yes you were."
"You can do that in your sleep?"
"Well, you did. And you always said you'd do things that no pony could ever do."
No wonder there was a wet spot on the bed. And it felt so nice when I woke up. And when she opened her eyes, 5 ponies were staring at her. She remembered, she noticed Rarity first. And she asked, "Had a nice dream…Rainbow Dash…?" And then everyone started giggling.
"Come along. We best be on our way," Rarity said.
Just as they were about to leave, Rainbow Dash stopped. "Wait. Rarity."
The unicorn turned around, her mane swirling with her head. "Yes, Rainbow Dash?"
"When you came on to me just now…was it for real?" Her face looked serious.
It got quiet for a minute. Rainbow Dash thought she saw Rarity's face turn a little red. But then she went back to being stern and saying, "Oh of course not Rainbow Dash! Why would you think such a thing!" She turned away from Rainbow Dash, her mane swirling again. "Come along, we must be off."
(To be continued...who wrote the love letter? Will Rarity recover from her embarrassment? Will Rainbow Dash recover from Rarity's groping and low sultry voice? Will Detective Rarity discover the culprit? Will Rainbow Dash discover a wet spot on the bed again? Find out next time on...Raridash Investigates!)
Author's note: Thanks for reading. Please let me know your thoughts, I would appreciate it. See y'all soon!
"Hello, Applejack. Is that your mailbox?" Rarity noticed it when she walked in. It was still standing, but a little crooked.
"Yep. But I haven't looked at mah mail yet. There was a huge storm what blew through here a couple nights ago…'cause some idiot forgot to clear the sky over mah place!" she glared at Rainbow Dash.
"Ehehe…sorry." That was the morning after the annual Wonderbolt gala. Rainbow Dash drank a little too much cider (which was ironically supplied by Sweet Apple Acres), and she overslept the next morning.
"And anyway, I've been working on the repairs all day. Spike's come by to help. Said he wanted some fresh air."
The dragon appeared from under a beam of wood. His eyes lit up. "Rarity! You're here! Have you come to help with the repairs?" After all, she is the generous one…most beautiful one. Should I tell her? About the note? He thought to himself. No…I can't! It's supposed to be a secret!
"Oh, no thank you, Spikey-wikey. As a matter of fact, Rainbow Dash and I are here on official business."
Applejack frowned a little. "'Official business,' huh?"
"Oh yes, Applejack. We're investigating…" and so Rarity explained the whole thing.
"Hmm," Applejack said. "Ah see. Well I for sure didn't write the note. Too busy with mah chores. And this note a'int my handwriting."
"I see," Rarity said. Applejack's always honest...if she said she didn't write it, it's probably true.
"But I'm not sure 'bout the others. I'll go ask mah sister Apple Bloom inside." Applejack started walking towards the house. Rarity and Rainbow Dash followed Applejack, and (of course) Spike followed Rarity.
Applejack had a stern look on her face. "If it's Apple Bloom who wrote this here, you bet she's gettin' a spankin' from me."
"If I say it's me, can I get a spanking from Rarity?" Spike said to himself, ogling at Rarity in front of her and her…cutie mark. Yeah. Her cutie mark. Spike couldn't help it. He always had a thing for older mares…not that he would ever tell Rarity that. It would break her heart if Spike told her that she looked over 30 (in pony years).
Rainbow Dash pulled Spike aside for a minute. "Erm…just a second! You go without me, Rarity! I'll catch up with you!" Rarity watched Dash and Spike from afar. What are they doing…? It looks like…she's interrogating Spike! She's becoming more like a Detective now. Splendid! Splendid! Rarity smiled.
Rarity followed Applejack into the house. They found Apple Bloom sitting at the table, eating a bowl of oats.
Applejack glared at her. "Apple Bloom! You're in big trouble!"
"What is it?"
"Apple Bloom! Did you write this note here!?" Applejack showed her younger sister the love letter. "Ah know puberty's done driven you crazy these past few moons. Don't think I didn't done saw you skippin' yer chores, runnin' away from home, runnin' to Twilight to borrow that copy of Playmare magazine. That's filthy stuff, ya hear me!? Filthy!"
"But ah didn't steal that from Twilight, sis. I took the Playmare from your nightstand."
Applejack stopped yelling. The earth pony blushed. And of course all this time, Rarity was listening to this family quarrel. And taking notes on her notepad, like a true detective. Applejack…Playmare magazine…nightstand. Even Rarity couldn't help but giggle at Applejack.
"P-please don't write that down, Rarity," Applejack said, still blushing. She then turned her attention back to her sister. "Now listen, missy, even that is forgivable. But this filthy love letter…that a'int how a member of the Apple family behaves! Ya hear me!?"
"But ah didn't write it, sis!" Apple Bloom said. She was in tears. "Ah swear! Ah swear by Celestia an' Luna an'…an'…an'…all them alicorn goddess or whatever!"
Applejack's face softened. "You promise, Apple Bloom?"
"Yes, sis."
"Cross yer heart…"
"…and hope to die?"
"Yes."
"Yes, sis."
"Okay."
Applejack said sorry and hugged her younger sister. "Now go eat yer oats, and then come out an' help with the repairs."
Applejack and Rarity went back outside.
Rainbow Dash was still outside, but Spike had left to help Big Mac with the repairs. "I saw you were interrogating Spike," Rarity whispered to Rainbow Dash. "Did you get anything out of him?"
"Erm…nothing! Nothing at all!" Dash said, chuckling nervously. She was sweating as well.
Rarity examined her partner's facial expression. Hmm…the nervous sweat is a characteristic trait of a guilty party. As I read in the seventh volume of Shadow Spade. Could she be hiding something? Rarity frowned at the pegasus.
"Rainbow Dash, are—" Rarity stopped herself. Oh, goodness, what am I doing? Rainbow Dash is my partner. If I can't trust her, who can I trust?
"Erm…is everything all right?" Rainbow Dash asked, staring nervously at Rarity.
Hmm. That nervous sweat again. Perhaps it's just the hot weather. Or perhaps Dash's just madly in love with me. Yes. That's precisely it. No surprise, I seem to have that effect on ponies…and baby dragons. Which seemed to be the much more obvious explanation, in Rarity's eyes. Rarity smiled to herself. "Nothing at all, Rainbow Dash, nothing at all," she said. "Come, we must question Big Mac next."
Applejack followed the two pony detectives. "Big Mac! C'mere a sec!" Applejack said.
The stallion trotted over. He stood there, silent, for a few seconds. Then he said, "…eeyup?"
"We'd like to know if you sent this love letter," Rainbow Dash said.
Before Big Mac could answer, Rarity interjected. "Oh, goodness, have you learned nothing, Rainbow Dash? That's not how you interrogate someone! You can't just expect them to tell you the truth right away. You must…wheedle it out of them. Watch me."
Rainbow Dash hovered behind while Rarity examined Big Mac.
"Now, is your name Big Macintosh Apple?"
"…eeyup," he said, his expression unchanged.
"And do you live on Sweet Apple Acres?"
"No, he lives in the Everfree Forest!" Rainbow Dash interjected. "Get to the point already, Rarity!"
Rarity rolled her eyes. "Oh…fine! Big Mac, did you, or did you not write this letter?" She showed it to him.
"…nope." Big Mac said, without hesitation.
"Satisfied, Detective Rarity?" Rainbow Dash said sarcastically.
"Oh…very well." Rarity let Big Mac go. The stallion went back to working on the repairs.
"Nopony in mah family sent this note," Applejack told Rarity and Rainbow Dash. "I swear by Celestia."
"Wait!" Rarity said. "How about your grandmother?"
Applejack was shocked. "Granny Smith!? But—"
"We must interview everypony. I'm sorry, it's standard procedure," Rarity said. I read about this in the twelfth volume of Shadow Spade, Rarity thought. An 80-year-old pony had an affair and murdered his wife so that she wouldn't find out. Or…was it an 18-year-old pony? Or…an 8-year-old pony? No, that can't be right.
"Y-you can't expect my 80-year-old grandmother to have written—oh…fine." Applejack rolled her eyes. "If it pleases ya. Follow me."
Granny Smith was also helping with the repairs. She was in the barn, sorting out the different nails and screws they had in storage. "Granny?" Applejack said. "My friends here wanna ask you some questions."
Rarity introduced herself, and then showed the elderly pony the love letter. "Did you write this, Granny Smith?"
"I…I can't read it. It's too small," Granny Smith said. So Rainbow Dash read it out loud for Granny Smith.
The elder pony sat for a minute, her face dumbstruck. "I…I…don't even understand it! Is…isn't a pussy a cat or somethin'?"
"Erm…" Applejack trailed off. It felt like the time she had to explain the birds and the bees to Apple Bloom: she…she just couldn't get herself to talk. She was too embarrassed. So Apple Bloom had to learn about sex…from a Playmare magazine. A Playmare magazine. She still couldn't get over that.
"I…I don't think she wrote the note, Rarity," Rainbow Dash said.
I thought this was going to be interesting. Now I look a total fool, Rarity thought. She pulled the brim down on her hat, said goodbye to Granny Smith, and walked away with Rainbow Dash hovering behind.
"I'm sorry Rarity has kept you for so long," Rainbow Dash said. It was Rarity's fault. It wasn't her fault. She was just tagging along with Rarity. Rainbow just couldn't imagine it. Me? A detective? Never. She wanted adventure. Like her idol, Daring Do. Asking ponies questions for a living was just plain boring.
"Ah, don't sweat it," Applejack said. "Well, since y'all reminded me, I'll guess I'll check mah mail now…" Applejack looked through her mail. She found a letter. She opened the envelope. She read the letter inside, and her eyes widened. "Sweet apple molasses!" Her face turned apple red.
"What is it? What is it?" Rarity probed. "I demand you show me the note, Applejack. It may be part of our investigation!"
"Well…erm…" Although she was embarrassed, she told the truth. "I reckon it's…it's one of those love notes you was fussin' about."
Rarity used her magic to take it from Applejack. She read it, with a strange frown. "Rainbow Dash…does this look familiar to you?"
Rainbow Dash read the letter Applejack got. "Wait…hold on…it says, 'My loveliest dearest: I am your secret admirer, I long for you to kindle my…' blah blah blah…WAIT! This is the exact same note that Rarity got! Word for word! And in the same handwriting!"
"Ah, except for one difference, Rainbow Dash. You will note the signature says, 'Your best friend' instead of 'Your lesbian best friend.'" Rarity said.
"Oh, I didn't see that before," Dash said.
"Oh of course you didn't. As a detective, I have keener perceptions than the average pony, you know," she said, raising the brim of her hat and flashing her crushed velvet jacket, which she folded up so it wouldn't get dirty in the mud.
"Actually, erm…my hoof was blocking the signature," Dash admitted. "I moved it just now."
"Oh, well." Rarity paused. "But all that I said before is still true." It doesn't make sense. Two nearly identical notes…written in the same hand, furthermore…what is this? Do we have a single culprit? A player? A pony who consorts with multiple suitors at the same time!? Oh, the horror!
"Oh the horror!" Rarity accidentally said out loud.
"Your jacket didn't even get any mud on it, Rarity," Rainbow Dash said, thinking that was what Rarity was complaining about.
"I wasn't talking about that!" Rarity said.
"Oh," she simply said, feeling slightly embarrassed. Wait, I'm the one worrying about Rarity's outfit!? I'm starting to care about her clothes. I…I'm confused. I…I think I'm even starting to sound like her.
After her face became a little less red, Rainbow Dash said, "Well, why did Applejack get a love note exactly the same as the one Rarity got?"
"With a different signature," Rarity noted.
"With a different signature," Rainbow Dash repeated.
"Well…ah a'int got time for this. Gotta get goin' on them repairs."
"Wait! Hold on a sec, Applejack!" Rainbow Dash called.
Rainbow Dash took a look at the envelope of the note Applejack got. "See, Applejack? The love letter you got isn't for you. It's for me. See? It says, 'to Rainbow Dash.'"
"Oh…why…I never noticed that," Rarity admitted.
"I'm a Wonderbolt, you know. As a Wonderbolt, I have keener perceptions than the average pony," Dash said, copying Rarity's line. She just wanted to beat Rarity at wittiness. She didn't care much for wit itself, it wasn't 20% cooler. But winning…that was something she could get on board with.
Rarity rolled her eyes at Rainbow Dash. "Heehee, gotcha," Rainbow Dash said, hovering to the right of Rarity. The Wonderbolt's voice was surprisingly…teasing. And feminine. Rarity didn't expect that. Maybe that was part of the whole "keener perceptions" package of being a Wonderbolt.
Applejack came back. "Really? Lemme see that envelope. Argh! Dagummit, that stupid mail mare Derpy switched our mail again!" The envelope Applejack got read "to Rainbow Dash." The envelope that Rarity got was addressed "to Rarity." So Rarity's mail wasn't mixed up. Just Applejack's and Rainbow Dash's.
Applejack looked into her mailbox again. "Hey look, a lot of this mail in mah mailbox is yours, Rainbow Dash. Your water bill, a letter from Spitfire, a wing polisher catalog, your copy of 'Daring Do' magazine, and your copy of…'Pony Spa Monthly?'"
"Why, Rainbow Dash, I subscribe to that magazine too!" Rarity said. "I suppose you like to hear about the latest in spa facials and indulgent hooficures?"
Rainbow Dash fell back to the ground due to embarrassment. She snatched the magazine from Applejack. "No! No! I-I-I can explain! I'm just looking at it for the sports massage stuff! I swear!"
"Sure…just like the last time, and the last time," Applejack said, stifling a laugh. She and Rarity caught Rainbow Dash at the spa twice. Even though Rainbow Dash did admit to her girly side at the time, she was still shy about it…Wonderbolts were supposed to be tough. She wasn't supposed to enjoy hooficures.
Rarity flipped through the spa magazine. "Hmm…not much on sports massages this month. So you probably wouldn't be interested. Shall I throw it away for you, Rainbow Dash…?" She was about to drop it into a mud puddle.
Rainbow Dash quickly snatched the magazine from Rarity. She didn't say anything. Just gave the unicorn a big frown. Rarity fluttered her eyelashes and grinned. Ha. As I suspected. Detective Rarity is quite on form today.
"Look on the bright side, Rainbow Dash," Rarity said. "At least it's not as embarrassing as Applejack's Playmare magazine."
Applejack ignored Rarity, trying to hide her embarrassment. "Ah was supposed to get a package fer Big Mac's birthday tomorrow. Now it could be anywhere. Argh. Dagummit," Applejack repeated. "That stupid Derpy. You just a'int never can trust a mare who talk funny." Applejack paused. She chuckled, a nervous sweat in her mane. "Ehehe. Okay, bad example."
"So I received a letter, and you, Rainbow Dash, received a letter as well," Rarity said. "That would make you…victim number TWO!" Dramatic music played in Rarity's head. The romanticism of it…the suspense…the mystery! What fun! Oh, the joy!
"Oh the joy!" Rarity said out loud. In a daze, she tripped, and fell into a mud puddle.
"You really do love bein' covered in mud, huh!?" Applejack chuckled.
Rarity lay flat in the mud puddle. Her brand new a-la-mode crushed velvet jacket was completely covered in it. Her pool of tears only made it muddier.
"Oh…SHUT UP AND GET ME TWO BUCKETS OF HOT WATER AND FIVE PACKETS OF DETERGENT THIS INSTANT!" Rarity screamed, like a drama queen, so loud that everypony on the farm could hear.
Spike, being her devoted crushie, was of course the first to come to the rescue. He could be seen running around, trying to count to five on the four fingers of his right hand.
Chapter 3: Fluttershy is pursued by 3 horny mares; or rather, Detective Rarity's plan gone horribly wrong
Next stop was Fluttershy's cottage. They knocked on the door.
A familiar yellow pegasus opened the door. "Oh, hi Rainbow Dash! Hi Rarity! Are you here for the book club?"
Rarity and Rainbow Dash looked at each other. "B…book club?"
"Yeah, Twilight and I are having a book club today," Fluttershy said. "But she couldn't make it today. She said she had a meeting in the castle to plan some of the summer festivities."
Fluttershy invited them inside. "I'm sad Twilight couldn't make it. But at least Starlight Glimmer's coming later. She said she'd bring some flowers to decorate the table," she said, pointing to the empty vase at the table.
"So she's in your book club too?" Rarity asked.
"Yes, that's right. Me, Twilight, and Starlight. But I guess since Twilight's not coming, I made too many snacks. Why don't you have some? It's my new zucchini and spirulina granola squares."
The other two ponies hesitated. "Oh…" Rarity chuckled nervously. "…we're not very hungry, thank you Fluttershy.
"Yeah, we're really full," Rainbow Dash added, rubbing her hoof over her belly. "In fact, I think we're gonna be full for the rest of the night! And all of next day!"
"Well, you can take a granola square for later. They're delicious and nutritious." The yellow pegasus was smiling widely. The other two ponies faked a smile back. It was hard to tell Fluttershy the truth. Fluttershy was probably the sweetest, kindest, most gentle pony in all of Equestria. But when it came to cooking…let's say she's more used to making pet food instead of pony food.
"Well, I…if you two want to stay, I can—" Fluttershy suddenly cut herself off. "Angel! No eating the granola squares!" she scolded the bunny, who was happily nibbling at one.
"Oh, let him have 'em. Nopony else wants to eat them," Rainbow Dash said to herself, rolling her eyes.
While Fluttershy was yelling at Angel (which was normal speaking volume for normal ponies), Rainbow Dash noticed the book Fluttershy was reading. Her face lit up. "Fluttershy, you're reading Daring Do!? Awesome! That's like, the awesomest book series of all time!"
Fluttershy looked away from her pet bunny. "Yes, that's our book club book. Twilight recommended to me. I liked it a lot."
Rarity, hearing this, became angered. "Daring Do? That classless adventure serial a good book!?" She was already in an irritable mood to begin with. She lost her precious crushed velvet jacket—it had to be thrown away after it was ruined in the mud at Sweet Apple Acres. There was enough detergent. Spike brought 6 bottles of detergent, mixed it in a tub of hot water, and soaked the jacket for Rarity. He prepared another tub for Rarity to take a bubble bath in.
The bubble bath was fine. But, turns out, the crushed velvet jacket was dry clean only. So, there wasn't even a problem with the detergent. But when Spike saw the garment was ruined, all he could say was "I should've gotten more detergent Rarity! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!" It was probably just an excuse for Spike to bow before Rarity and kiss her hooves. Which he found…very arousing.
After Rarity spent a couple of hours crying and gorging on apple ice cream in Applejack's living room, Rainbow Dash finally convinced Rarity that the world wasn't ending, she wasn't going to die, and that she wasn't being sabotaged by some evil pony who went out to get her because the garment she made for them wasn't to their satisfaction. Ah, Rarity. What a drama queen, Rainbow Dash thought to herself. Thinking about that…it actually put a smile on the Wonderbolt's face.
So by the time they got to Fluttershy's cottage, it was already dark.
"Wait…Daring Do and the Amulet of Culiacan? This volume has me in it!" Dash exclaimed, flipping through the pages. "I helped her save the amulet when I went to that fan convention!"
"Oh, what a pity we missed that," Rarity said, rolling her eyes.
"Erm…actually…I…Rainbow Dash…you weren't in it," Fluttershy said.
Rainbow Dash's jaw dropped in disappointment. "What!? But AK Yearling promised! She promised me!"
"Well, she dedicated the book to you," Fluttershy said.
Rainbow Dash flipped to the front. "'To Rainbow Dash and Quibble Pants, my friends who I admire very much.' You mean I got dedicated alongside that loquacious pony!? Lame!"
Loquacious? Rarity thought. What does that word mean? Did she mean "location"? No, I…I…Rainbow Dash knows a word that I don't!? Rarity's face became shocked. Oh, the horror!
"I thought the dedication was cute," Fluttershy said, smiling. "But…I mean…if you think it's lame, then I…"
"If we could discuss the vagaries of the adventure serial later," Rarity interjected. "We must carry on with the proceedings of our inquiries." Rarity instinctively swirled her body around. Without her crushed velvet jacket however, all they saw was Rarity's flank jiggling. Wasn't quite the same effect. Even Fluttershy couldn't stop herself from snickering.
"…erm, talk later I guess," Rainbow Dash told Fluttershy. She didn't even stop to ask what "vagaries" meant. Rarity sighed in disappointment, not only because Rainbow Dash had a better vocabulary than her, but because…her flank was saggier than she had originally thought.
"What's this inquiry?" Fluttershy asked.
"We'll explain it to you," Rarity said. "Sit down." Rarity and Rainbow Dash sat on one side of the dining table, while Fluttershy sat on the other side.
She dimmed the lights. She put a really bright desk lamp on the table, and pointed it towards Fluttershy. She whimpered. It was just like a spotlight, and it was triggering her stage fright. Fluttershy came out in a cold sweat. The mood was tense. Rarity gave Fluttershy a stern look.
Rainbow Dash was smirking at Rarity. Dang. Hate to admit it, but Rarity really does look pretty fierce, she thought. This is gonna be a pretty cool interrogation. Maybe 40% cooler! Dash found herself getting excited. Any minute now, the sparks were going to fly. All Rainbow Dash needed was a bucket of popcorn.
Rarity began to speak. "R…"
"…Rainbow Dash, hand me that bubble pipe," she said. The bubble pipe was conceived by a distant relative of Twilight Sparkle, as a way to fix the vaping epidemic among foals in Equestria. Not so much in Ponyville, but definitely in Manehattan (and especially the foals in public school).
It was just soap bubbles, no harmful chemicals. Rarity just used it for the effect, but Pinkie was a regular user of the bubble pipe. Come to think of it, she's a regular user of a lot of other things as well, Rarity thought. Like that stallion at the Summer Sun festival who had too much to drink and who Pinkie dragged into her bedroom, and who pressed assault charges on her after he regained consciousness. At least we got Starlight Glimmer to be Pinkie's counsel, so we won the case. She's a terrific liar.
"Rarity, are you gonna try some of your 'interrogation tactics' again…?" Rainbow Dash asked. She refused to give Rarity her bubble pipe.
"The execution was a bit flawed the last time, I admit," Rarity said, "But I think I've mastered it now. Now hand me that bubble pipe." She swirled her body instinctively again. Her flank jiggled. This time, Rainbow Dash managed to stifle her laugh.
Rarity sat back in Fluttershy's dining chair and took a big puff from the bubble pipe. "Now," she began. "I want the truth now."
"Okay, your flank is a little plump," Rainbow Dash admitted. Just a little plump. Nothing too drastic. If you were just reading this story for plot, move on, nothing to see here.
"I was talking to Fluttershy!" Rarity screamed. "Just sit there…or hover there, whatever you usually do…and take notes." Rarity used her magic to throw a notepad and pen at Dash's face.
Rarity cleared her throat. "Fluttershy, is there anypony whom you are currently in love with?"
The yellow pegasus trembled. "Erm…me…? In love…? Like…cuddly pet love? Or…" her voice softened to barely a whisper. "…the pony-sexy kind of love?"
"WE ASK THE QUESTIONS!" Rarity shouted, startling Fluttershy, and startling Angel Bunny even more. The detective pony pounded her front hooves on the table, causing the tea to spill of the cups and the granola squares to fly in the air.
That's rule 8 of interrogation, as detailed in volume 7 of the Memoirs of Shadow Spade.Or was it rule 9? Rarity thought. I should check before I say anything.
"Erm…well…I had…I had…" Fluttershy began to blush. "I…I…"
"You what!? Tell me, Fluttershy!" Rarity probed.
Fluttershy had broken out in a nervous sweat…or was that just from the heat of the desk lamp pointed at her…? "I…well…when I was at flight camp, I used to have a crush on…Rainbow Dash."
Both Rarity and Rainbow Dash froze. They stared at their friend. Wide-eyed. It was silent.
DING!
"Oh, erm…that's my zucchini muffins. I better go." Fluttershy flew into the kitchen, her face still blushing.
Rarity beckoned Rainbow Dash. The two ponies talked in a low whisper.
"I never suspected it," Rainbow Dash thought out loud. "Back then, she was shy and awkward in front of everypony."
"Rainbow Dash, you see, we can use Fluttershy's confession to our advantage," Rarity said.
"I don't get your point."
"She doesn't know what we're here for. We haven't told her about the letters yet. But now, we know Fluttershy takes a liking to you. Or at least used to. If you could, as it were, use your feminine wiles and make a bold advance on her, then perhaps…"
"…she'll admit if she sent the letters or not?" Dash said.
"Precisely."
"Will that even work…?"
"Well, it worked on you," Rarity said, giggling to herself. "You should've seen the look on your face when I told you about 'kindling the fire.'"
At first, Rainbow Dash wanted to yell "no way!" But then, the competitive spirit came out from her. Rainbow Dash wanted to beat Rarity. Winning was sort of her thing, after all. If Rarity could seduce her, Rainbow Dash could seduce Fluttershy too.
"And I bet I can do it even better than you can!" she said, nudging Rarity's (saggy) flank. Oh my gosh. What am I doing? What's happening to me? I'm gonna be trying to beat Rarity a fashion contest next.
"Then that's settled," Rarity said. "I'll hide behind these curtains…and I'll take notes. Now go! Here she comes." And Rarity shut the curtains in front of her.
Rainbow Dash could hear Fluttershy humming "Find the Music in You" as she flew out of the kitchen with a pan of muffins in hoof.
"Where did Rarity go?" Fluttershy asked.
Rainbow Dash chuckled nervously. "She, erm…she went to powder her nose." Without thinking about it, her eyes drifted in the direction of the closed drapes with a slight bulge in it.
"Erm…is there something at the window?" Fluttershy asked.
"NO DON'T! I mean…erm…don't trouble yourself. I…I…wouldn't want to see that beautiful mane of yours all ruined." Rainbow Dash looked into Fluttershy's eyes, and stroked her pink mane with her snout. "It's the most beautiful in all of Equestria."
Behind the drapes, Rarity was seething with anger. It just wasn't her day. First, she fell into a mud puddle. Next, her beautiful crushed velvet jacket was ruined. And worst of all…my mane isn't the most beautiful in all of Equestria! Rarity growled in anger, quietly so that she wouldn't be heard.
"Hee-hee, erm…thanks." Fluttershy was blushing.
Rainbow Dash continued the act, improvising on the script. "You know, I always liked you, Fluttershy," "The first thing I noticed about you at flight camp, And your perfect, firm round flank."
Rarity was getting angrier hiding behind the drapes. My flank is firmer! It's the roundest and firmest in all of Equestria! Photo Finish told me my flank was like a perfect, ripe pink peach basking in the heat of a summer day…or at least he agreed when I said it. Argh. How dare Rainbow Dash claim it's saggy. That…liar!
Rarity peered through the small crack in the drapes. Rainbow Dash had "splayed" herself across Fluttershy's sofa, spreading her hind legs apart, exposing her…nakedness. Fluttershy was staring at it…but only in 5 second intervals, due to her shyness. Dash was a lot less subtle with her seducing than Rarity was.
"Erm…you want a muffin, Rainbow Dash? It's fresh from the oven."
Rainbow Dash subconsciously turned to the window. There was a little bulge in the drapes where Rarity was hiding. That was Rarity's saggy flank.
"Erm…you sure? I mean, Twilight might show up, and Starlight's gonna show up later, so erm…I don't wanna steal their share."
"Oh, don't worry, there's plenty for everypony! Try some, Dashie! Erm…is it okay if I call you that?"
Reluctantly, Dash took a slice. It smelled…horrible. But she had to eat it. I have to pretend I love everything about Fluttershy…including her cooking. I better get a bonus for character work.
"Sure thing, erm…Fluttershy…! No problem! Erm…anything for you, Fluttershy!" With Fluttershy watching, Rainbow Dash, with a trembling hoof, took the smallest possible bite out of the muffin. She faked a smile.
"Well? Isn't it delicious?"
"Mmph mmph mmmph," Rainbow Dash said, trying to hold her fake smile. It took all her strength to not spit it out and yell "BLECH!" She couldn't bear to swallow it. I can't stand having this muffin in my mouth, she thought. Must be why I'm not a lesbian.
Finally, Rainbow Dash swallowed it. Her stomach was already squirming. "Erm, delicious, Fluttershy! Such…such a…I've never had a muffin like that before!"
Fluttershy's face lit up. She leapt forward and embarced Rainbow Dash. The blue pegasus also embraced Fluttershy. It was part of the act.
Suddenly, Rainbow Dash pinned Fluttershy on the floor with her front hooves. She groped Fluttershy's flank even more than Rarity groped hers. She made her voice even lower and sultrier than Rarity made hers.
"Rainbow Dash...can you let me go...?" Fluttershy said, whimpering.
"I will, Fluttershy. But not before I give you a chance to tell how much I love you." She made up that line all by herself. She was actually pretty good at seducing. Rarity watched behind the curtains, taking notes…with a twitch of jealousy under her right eye.
"You're been a very naughty filly sending love letters, Fluttershy. To me, and to Rarity."
Fluttershy was surprisingly not struggling very much. Perhaps she kind of wanted it. "But…no, I—"
"You can tell me the truth, Fluttershy," Dash said, continuing to touch Fluttershy's flank. "I love you. I love you so much. Nopony can compare with your beauty, Fluttershy. Nopony. Not Applejack, Rarity, Twilight…nopony."
Nopony can compare with me!? How…how dare she! Rarity's angry growling became audible from behind the drapes. Oh Celestia, why did I trust Rainbow Dash!? I'll do a far better of seducing Fluttershy. I have more…tact, more…subtle charm. I better end this before it's TOO LATE!
Her jaw twitching with anger, Rarity leaped out from behind the drapes. "Rainbow Dash, leave me alone with Fluttershy! NOW! This very instant!" she yelled.
"Rarity!?" Fluttershy exclaimed. Her face blushed even more. "Alone!? With…me?"
"Rarity! You…voyeur!" Rainbow Dash lied. "Gee, have you watching us all this time!? Fluttershy, I had no idea!" Her voice sounded clearly like she was acting.
At that precise moment, Starlight Glimmer opened the door with a big smile on her face that oddly resembled…a bedroom smile. "Hello Fluttershy! Here are some flowers for your vase!" she said, holding a bouquet of long stemmed roses in her mouth. "Twilight couldn't make it, so it looks like it'll just be the two of us toni—"
Fluttershy was being pursued by 3 horny mares. She turned to Rainbow Dash, who was still groping her flank. She turned to Rarity, whose face was beet red (from anger) and was still asking to be alone with her. She turned to Starlight, who offered the bouquet of roses to Fluttershy with the bedroom smile on her face.
Oh…Celestia…! The blushing yellow pegasus pushed Rainbow Dash away. "GET OUT! ALL OF YOU! EVERYPONY!" She screamed very loudly, even for an average pony. She turned away and ran up to her bedroom, trying to conceal her beet-red face with her thick mane.
“You should count yourself lucky that you managed to slip out of the place with half of what’s left of your dignity,” Rarity said as she and Rainbow Dash trudged down a lonely dirt road, away from Fluttershy’s cottage. “Now we’ll never find out whether Fluttershy sent the letters or not. And it’s all your fault, Rainbow Dash.”
“How is it my fault!? I…it was your plan!” Dash protested.
“Well, it was poorly executed. Your seduction techniques are utterly lacking in class and sophistication. You know, Rainbow Dash, the only reason other ponies want to date you is because you’re a Wonderbolt.” That was just a way to make Rarity to feel better about the fact nopony was interested in dating…except for one particularly pathetic little baby dragon! That now had wings. But what use was that in bed? Perhaps Pinkie could give me some advice. She knows a sex position for anything.
Rainbow Dash chuckled. “I guess it’s the Wonderbolt uniform that catches their eye. Some ponies will fall for anything in a cute uniform. Remember Twilight in that nurse’s uniform?”
“Of course I do, Rainbow Dash.” They both remembered the costume Twilight wore the to this summer’s Grand Galloping gala, about a fortnight ago. Her outfit had a white button top, a nurse hat with her, erm, horn sticking out of the front, and a (very) short skirt that accentuated her round, plump flank. A lot of stallions asked her to dance that night. A lot. And Twilight was smiling happily the whole time.
“I was surprised myself,” Rarity said. “Everypony was. Even Pinkie thought the outfit was rather racy.”
“I dunno what’s gotten into her lately. She’s more…sexual than she usually is. Like, remember that time she was speaking at the school assembly, and she made that dirty joke about the changeling and the unicorn horn? In front of all the students!? It’s weird. And now she’s missing her book club? Twilight loves reading! There’s no way she’d miss her book club!”
“Well, she did say she was engaged at the castle,” Rarity said.
Rainbow Dash hovered a little lower as she was thinking. “Fluttershy said that Twilight couldn’t make it because she had to go to meeting to prepare for the summer festival. But the summer festivities are over. The Wonderbolt Gala a few days ago was the last major festival of the season—and Twilight isn’t even responsible for organizing it.”
“I think perhaps we’re straying from the point,” Rarity said, stomping her hoof on the dirt. “I have my suspicions on Fluttershy…” Rarity peered through the foliage using her unicorn magic. For dramatic effect only. They could see Fluttershy’s cottage, but it was nothing more than a small speck of light in the darkness.
“Fluttershy’s a definite suspect. She admitted to being infatuated with you, Rainbow Dash, back in flight school.”
“Not just back in flight school,” Rainbow Dash corrected, with a smirk. “She still likes me. I can tell. You should’ve seen the look on her face when I pinned her down just now. Oh wait, you did see everything when you hid behind the drapes.”
“Oh no, Fluttershy was acting. Only you couldn’t tell because she’s a far better actor than you ever could be!”
Rainbow Dash swayed in the air, reacting to Rarity’s insult. “You’re just jealous somepony’s in love in me while you’ve been dry all your life!”
“Dry!? Dry!? I’ll have you know I have ponies banging on my door day and night! I just haven’t told you!”
“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash said sarcastically. “What were they doing? Trying to get out? HAHAHA!”
The pegasus laughed for several minutes, only to realize her laughter was polluted by sound of gentle weeping.
Rainbow Dash softened her expression. She flew over to where Rarity was sitting, her back turned to her.
“I’m sorry, Rarity,” Dash said. “I…I didn’t mean to insult you like that.”
“It’s hopeless!” Rarity sobbed. “Hopeless!”
“It’ll be okay, Rarity. It’s late. It’s after midnight. There’s nothing we can do now.”
“I thought we would find the crook. I thought I would interview everypony and things would work well. But it’s been a total disaster! And all I really wanted was to look cute in my outfit, but now even that’s ruined!”
Rainbow Dash’s face hardened. “Rarity. Look at me. We can do this! You hear me? We got this! The two of us!”
Rarity’s back was still turned to Rainbow Dash. She refused to turn around.
“I believe you, Rainbow Dash! I just refuse to turn around!”
“C’mon Rarity! You have to be brave!” Rainbow Dash grabbed Rarity’s head and turned it face her. “That’s th—YEEAAGHH!!!” Rainbow Dash screamed in fright.
Rarity was chuckling. “It’s that bad, huh?” The tears had ruined her makeup. Her false eyelashes were hanging vertically from her eyelids. Her mascara ran like veins on her face. Her blue eyeshadow looked like two blue waterfalls.
The two ponies laughed. In the middle of night. In the middle of a dirt road. In the middle of the woods just outside the Everfree forest. They hugged each other (having already forgotten the incident where Rarity made the pass at Rainbow Dash), and sat side by side on a rock.
“Things did get rather out of hand tonight, didn’t they?” Rarity said.
“Yeah. They sure did.”
“I think I’ve realized a story about a pony detective may not be the best model for a real-life investigation.”
“Are you saying no more crazy ‘interrogation techniques’ and ‘investigation tactics’?” Dash asked.
“Precisely. I made a right nause-up of them. I’m sorry, Rainbow Dash.”
“I’m sorry too, Rarity. I should’ve been less bitchy with you too. So…we still friends?”
“Of course. What would this investigation be without you?” Rarity said.
“What would you be without me?” Rainbow Dash said, giggling.
“Probably 20% less cool,” Rarity said, borrowing Dash’s signature line. The two ponies laughed again.
“Y’know, I really wanted to find the pony who wrote those letters and bring them to justice and all…but even if we don’t, I’m glad we got to do this together.”
“Me too,” Rarity said. Then she yawned. “How late is it already?”
Rainbow Dash learned how to figure out the time from Wonderbolt training. “The moon’s in that direction…so…the sun’s going to rise pretty soon. I’m beat. I’m getting some rest.” Rainbow Dash lay in the clearing and closed her eyes.
Rarity watched as an ant crawled up Rainbow Dash’s tail, which touched the dirt ground. Camping? Camping? This isn’t even camping! This is…sleeping on the mucky ground! I…I can’t! She turned to Rainbow Dash. The pegasus was already asleep. I must go! I must find proper accommodation!
With a determined (and red-eyed) expression on her face, Rarity set out to find the nearest hotel. Alas, she took a few hoofsteps along the dirt road, only to stop from exhaustion. “Oh, my…” Rarity felt her eyelids fall. “I…I’m so sleepy…I…I must…”
“SURPRISE!!!”
Rainbow Dash and Rarity were jolted awake. Rainbow Dash was the first to orient herself. It was almost midday. She was lying on the side of the dirt road. Rarity was lying on top of her, with her plump flank resting on her back—oh shit is this real what is going on!? And she pushed her off with her hoof as fast as she could.
Rarity rolled off Rainbow Dash and onto the dirt ground. She mumbled to herself a little. After rolling around a little, she rubbed her eyes with her hoof, and sat up. “Mmmph. What is that horrid noise!?”
Pinkie Pie’s head was sticking out of a bush. “SURPRISE! Oh.” Even Pinkie Pie was shocked at seeing…Rainbow Dash? And Rarity? In the woods? Sleeping together? Not just sleeping together, but…were they just now…on top of each other!?
“Pinkie Pie? What are you doing here?”
“I think the better question is…what are you two doing in there?” The two were still lying side by side, naked (but then again they were always naked).
“W…we asked first!” Rainbow Dash said, blushing. We? We? Why did I say “we?” It just…happened.
“Pinkie, how did you even know we were here?” Rarity asked.
“I…just had a feeling,” the earth pony said.
“A feeling?” Rarity said. She had heard about the “pinkie sense,” and how she was able to predict and sense things that nopony could have guessed. Such raw talent! Perhaps she would have been a better partner for my investigation. She looked at Rainbow Dash, then at Pinkie, who was blowing the fringe of hair away from the face. Then again, Pinkie didn’t do too well at solving the mystery of the eaten cake. And I ended up getting exposed for my false eyelashes. Argh. Twilight, you bastard!
“You ‘just had a feeling?’” Rainbow Dash repeated, frowning slightly.
“Yeah, totally!” Pinkie squealed, making her apparent psychic powers seem like it was trivial. “It was reeeeally spooky. I’ll tell you what happened! I’ll tell you! Last night, I was lying in bed, reading my Playmare.”
“Playmare? Like the…?”
“Yeah! That one!” Pinkie said, not the least bit embarrassed. “Anyway, I had read the fiction section, you know the part where they have the hot steamy stories, and, well, this time, there was this reeeally hot steamy story where these ponies sent each other love letters, and then you got to read the love letters, so it was like you got the love letter, so it was reaaally steamy! My eyes rolled back into my head more than Derpy!
“Then, I turned to the giant centerfold picture of Stallion of the Year. I stared at the picture…and then…all of a sudden…” Pinkie’s face turned serious. “…I felt something move!”
“…lemme guess, was your boyfriend in bed with you?” Rainbow Dash asked, smirking. Pinkie’s older sister Maud already had a boyfriend…it was about time she started dating. Or at least bending over for somepony in the conga line, knowing Pinkie.
“Well she’d hardly be reading Playmare if that were the case,” Rarity said.
“No, it was actually the wind!” Pinkie said. “The wind blew open the window and made the blankets move! But that’s when I looked out the window with my binoculars, and I saw little light near the Everfree Forest! I thought it was a swarm of fireflies!
“And I thought, cool! Fireflies! So, I wanted to check it out because I wanted to get some to use as lights for my next party ‘cause that’d be amaaaazing, because nopony’s done it before, and disco balls are soooo yesterday!! So anyway, I went outside, I followed the light, and that’s when I found you all!” Pinkie hopped up and down with a big smile on her face.
Then all of sudden, Pinkie’s expression became stern again. “So now…my turn to ask. What are you two doing here…?”
Rainbow Dash hesitated. Even though it was really a perfectly innocent explanation…she couldn’t help but blush. Rarity as well. “I-I-I’m camping,” the pegasus said.
“Glamping,” Rarity corrected. Glamping was fine. But if it ever got out that Rarity, renowned fashion designer and owner of the finest boutique in Manehattan, went camping! The gossip columns would have a field day!
Pinkie Pie had both a frown and a smirk on her face. “And…how’d that happen?”
“It was the wind.”
“Really? The wind was that strong!? I don’t believe it!” Pinkie said.
Rainbow Dash looked to Rarity for some ideas. “Rarity, why did our luxury glamping tent blow away?”
Rarity gave Rainbow Dash a wide-eyed look that said, “Don’t look at me!”
Rainbow Dash hesitated. “Erm…well, it…it was the wind from eating Fluttershy’s zucchini muffin last night,” she said, pointing to her belly with her hoof.
“Oh…yes, that’s quite right, Rainbow Dash,” Rarity picked up where she left off. “And she’s been having indigestion all night long! The wind was so strong, it just…blew our tent away!”
There was a pause. “Oh! I see! That makes sense!” Pinkie smiled and nodded. Only Pinkie Pie would be gullible enough to believe an explanation like that. “Fluttershy’s cooking is awful! I need to give her some lessons!”
“Erm…since you’re here, Pinkie Pie, why don’t you take a look at these letters?” Rainbow Dash showed them to her. “Did you write these?”
“Lemme see.” She read the notes. She giggled when she read the last line. “Oh no, I didn’t write this. No way!”
“You’re sure! Because we’re trying to find the pony who sent these. I got this one.”
“And I received the other one,” Rarity said.
“Nope! I didn’t send them! There’s no way I’d want to date you, Rarity. You, or Ms. 10 Seconds Flat over here,” she said, pointing to Rainbow Dash. “Teehee. Get it? 10 seconds flat? HEEHEEHEE!” Pinkie Pie was rolling on the floor.
“Well, given the fact you were reading Playmare last night, I hardly think you would send a love letter to a female pony.”
“Oh, I read Playcolt too. It’s just the same as Playmare, just with mares. Mare, stallion, they’re all the same to me. They all can bend…”
“…bend over in the conga line?” Rainbow Dash completed Pinkie’s sentence. The three ponies laughed for a moment.
“Besides, when were those letters sent?”
“Two days ago, we believe,” Rarity said.
“Oh, I was busy all day that day!” Pinkie said. “I was delivering advance copies of the latest issue of Playcolt! Super exclusive! I’m delivering it, like, 2 weeks earlier than it’s supposed to come out! You have to pay a little extra though. 25 bits for my advance copy.”
“How much does the regular copy cost?” Rarity asked, taking notes on her notepad. Purely for investigative purposes, of course.
“2 bits. I know right!? I make a fortune off of it! And I don’t even have to make the magazine! I just have to deliver it!” Pinkie was bouncing up and down. “So 2 days ago, I was all over Equestria delivering copies! From dawn to dusk! You can ask Twilight!”
“Twilight? Twilight reads Playcolt?” Rainbow Dash said. Then again, I know Twilight gets a discount at the clop book store for being a “scholar.”
“Well…she does,” Pinkie said. “But it was weird. I asked her if she wanted an advance copy, but Twilight said she already had one. But it doesn’t make sense. There’s no other advance shipment that’s more advance than mine! My shipment is the advancest advance shipment! So I don’t know how Twilight already got a copy!”
“Are you sure she had a copy? Or was she just lying?”
“No, she actually had a copy, she showed it to me! She said she got it 3 weeks in advance! The only ponies that get 3 week advance copies are the Playcolt photographers, models, and staff writers! So why would Twilight have an advance copy!? Is there another pony selling advance copies? They’re gonna drive me out of business!”
“Well…perhaps we should go ask Twilight ourselves!” Rarity said. And with that, the three ponies followed the road out of the wilderness and back to Ponyville.
Chapter 5: Twilight Sparkle Takes Friendship a Little too Seriously
Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie made their way to Twilight’s castle that morning, Pinkie bounced her way all the way to the castle; she was always so full of energy. Even after they raised her medication to 25mg a day.
Rarity was exhausted form sleeping literally on dirt the night before, and was trudging a good 100 yards behind them. Perhaps Pinkie is trying to mislead us with this comment about the magazines, Rarity pondered as she trailed behind Rainbow and Pinkie. She’s by no means the element of honesty.
“I’m being honest, Rarity!” Pinkie Pie shouted to the back. “I promise!”
Rarity was caught by surprise. “What? Goodness was I inadvertently talking out loud again?” But even then, Pinkie wouldn’t be able to hear her 100 meters away.
“No, don’t worry!” Pinkie shouted back. “You didn’t say a word!”
“Oh, I see—” Rarity paused. “Wait! Then how did you know—”
“Pinkie Sense, Rarity! Never underestimate it!”
The 3 ponies (eventually) arrived. Once they were all together, they knocked the door. For a few minutes there was no response.
“I’m not sure if Twilight’s in,” Pinkie said. “I keep knocking her up, but she doesn’t respond.”
“Reminds me of my ex-coltfriend,” Rarity muttered to herself.
“Argh, why are we wasting time?” Rainbow Dash began moving back, preparing to charge and force the door open.
“WAIT~!”
At that moment the door opened. Luckily Rainbow stopped in time and prevented somepony from becoming a pony pancake.
It wasn’t Twilight who answered the door. Rather, it was Starlight Glimmer. “Hey Rainbow Dash! Hey Rarity! Hey Pinkie! What brings you here?”
“We were looking for Twilight,” Rarity said.
“Oh, she’s off to run some errands,” Starlight said. “She’ll be back in a couple of minutes.” The light purple unicorn let them inside. “There was no need to knock, you know. I thought Twilight gave you a key?” Starlight said.
“Oh…I guess I do, let me check…” Rainbow Dash rummaged into her saddlebag. “It’s gone.”
“I thought you always carry the key with you,” Rarity said.
“Well, erm…I left it at Fluttershy’s house last night. I must have accidentally dropped it in the commotion.”
“Oh. Well…quite understandable,” Rarity admitted.
“Oh yeah, you two were there last night. Were you two there for Fluttershy’s book club as well?” Starlight asked.
“It’s…a long story,” Rainbow Dash chuckled nervously, before turning to glare at Rarity.
“It most certainly is not! It’s quite simple, as a matter of fact. Why, we were investigating a case,” Rarity said proudly.
“A case?” Starlight’s eyes lit up. “Oh Celestia I LOVE a good mystery!”
“You do!?” Rarity said. “Do you read Shadow Spade as well?”
“No, but I love mystery! I love watching ponies solve them! Back in my village, I used to commit little crimes, and watch my little minions solve them. Oh, it was so adorable. I murdered the local baker, and there they were, prancing around, wiping the blood off their hooves…” and she went on, staring miles away into the distance. She nodded her head briefly, and when she came back up her mane had rearranged itself with bangs on the front.
“Starlight? Starlight…? Starlight, starbright…?” It took a few minutes of hoof-waving and name-calling to make her snap out of her maniacal laughter. Even after many years, her evil past occasionally came back to haunt her.
“Oh, sorry!” Starlight chuckled nervously, biting her lip. “Just another one my relapses! Heehee!”
She would be capable of anything in her relapse, Rarity thought to herself. Robbery, deception, anything would be fair game.
“Like murder?” Pinkie replied with her Pinkie Sense.
“Not now Pinkie!” Rarity yelled back. Starlight would be violent, perhaps. But a letter that is not even threatening, rather seductive—it’s unlikely that such a letter would be composed in a moment of insanity, such as those experienced by Starlight.
“Erm…any way I can help…?” Starlight asked awkwardly in the silence. She needed her daily friendship fix, otherwise she’d relapse into her evil state. She hadn’t seen Twilight for days. The princess had either locked herself up in her castle, or left on so-called “errands” for much of the day. It was a mystery to everypony.
Rarity explained the sitation to Starlight, and then showed her the love letters. The purple unicorn examined the notes carefully. “Well, I didn’t write this…but this looks like Spike’s handwriting.”
“Spike!? But it’s signed as a pony,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Well, it’s quite obvious that Spike just wrote those letters, impersonating as a pony.”
Starlight Glimmer asked Spike to come over. She said, “Hey Spike, Rarity’s here!” And he came flying out as fast as he could.
I see it all now, Rarity thought. The clues coalesce…a picture forms… “Spike, you wrote the letter didn’t you!? And you signed off as a pony because you were too embarrassed to reveal your true identity. Am I right!?”
Spike knew he couldn’t say no to Rarity. He just couldn’t. The only time he kind of said no to Rarity was when Twilight was clearing out his room, and almost threw away his Rarity doll into the trash, until Spike dashed in and screamed “NOOO!!!”
Spike stared at Rarity, blushing profusely. “Well…I guess I…”
“I knew it! It was you, Spike! You are the culprit! The one and only!” The solved mystery was getting to Rarity. She was very animated, moving her hoofs all over the place, almost slapping Twilight across the face. Success! Detective Rarity solves another mystery! Success! The sweet smell of my analytical powers and deductive reasoning…and my brand new crushed velvet jacket.
Rarity and Spike were sitting next to each other. Rarity was quietly scolding the young dragon. “You’ve been a very naughty dragon, Spike.” Spike just looked up into her eyes, the little hearts fluttering away from his chest. Cute perhaps, even romantic…he was drooling. He was drooling!
“Argh! Stop it! Are you even listening, Spike?”
“O-of course, Rarity! Of course I am!” He was listening to every word. After a while, the scolding turned into hugs and apologies. “It’s okay, my little Spikey-wikey.” Rarity was leaning in to kiss Spike’s cheek. She was so close, Spike could feel the warmth of her breath, this was going to be good kiss, Spike thought, a lovely luscious, kiss from the greatest pony of all t…
“WAIT!!!” Rainbow Dash yelled suddenly, at the top of her lungs.
Of course you’d spoil my kiss, Ms. 10 Seconds Flat, Spike thought, frowning at the blue pegasus. Some ponies like to take it slow, okay!?
“…Rainbow Dash!?” Rarity didn’t expect it. Rainbow Dash had been relatively quiet the whole morning. Little did she know that she too had been pondering the case.
Rainbow Dash landed on the ground and began sashaying across the castle hall, imitating Rarity’s posture.
“Perhaps…Spike is guilty,” Rainbow Dash began. “But noneoftheless…”
“You mean nonetheless,” Starlight corrected.
“But he is not the only one guilty of this crime. In fact, most of the crime is a result of ignorance…and unfortunate misunderstandings.”
“Misunderstanding?”
“Yes. I find some flaws in your evidence, Rarity. First of all, if Spike had written the letter to you, why would he at pretend to be a lesbian mare, of all creatures? Secondly, if Spike had written the letters, why would he write two? And address them to two different ponies?”
“But it’s in his writing, is it not?” Rarity said. “And which pony in Equestria asks somecreature else to write stuff for her?”
At that moment, the front door opened. “Hey, everypony. I’m back. What can I do for you?” Twilight said. She was levitating a bag full of books with her magic. Well, not books, but thinner.
“In fact, it’s quite clear to me now,” Rainbow Dash said, observing the bag of magazines Twilight had. “The main culprit here is…Twilight Sparkle!”
All eyes glared on the princess. She was caught by surprise. “For what!? What’s going on here!?”
“Twilight!?” Pinkie Pie’s jaw dropped. “Twilght’s a lesbian!? Why…why didn’t you tell me!?”
Twilight was blushing, but still looked utterly confused. “Well, actually—”
“I could’ve thrown you the most funnest, awesomest coming out party EVER! I already threw one for Scootaloo’s aunt and it was AWESOME!”
“Twilight’s not gay, Pinkie!” Rainbow Dash clarified.
“What!?”
“If you’d let me finish.” Rainbow Dash continued her sashaying. “Now, the idea of a magazine came to me when I heard about the hot steamy stories section in Playcolt from Pinkie. This morning, while you were trailing behind, Rarity, I asked Pinkie if she would lend me a copy of Playcolt magazine. I read a bit while we were walking. And in the fiction section, there’s one author prominently featured. The style of her stories are quite unusual—they’re epistolary stories.”
“A-piss-of-what?” Pinkie raised an eyebrow.
“Epistolary, meaning a story written in the form of letters,” Dash explained. “Anyway, this author goes by the name…Afterglow Sparkle.’ Sound familiar?
“But perhaps the clearest evidence at all, is…” Rainbow Dash grabbed the bag of magazines Twilight had on her. “See!? 2 copies of Playcolt magazine! And see, the date on the top right of the magazine? It’s 3 weeks in advance of the publication date!”
“I…I don’t quite follow,” Spike said, frowning.
“Pinkie told me that only contributors of Playcolt get 3 week advance copies. So the only way Twilight could have a 3-week advance copy is if she herself writes for Playcolt magazine. And she is. ‘Afterglow Sparkle’ is really Twilight Sparkle. And she has been publishing steamy stories in Playcolt under a pseudonym.”
“You mean…”
“That’s right, Rarity. The letters aren’t really letters at all, but part of a…”
“…hot steamy lesbian sex story!” Pinkie finished the sentence.
“I’m sorry, everypony,” Twilight said, by now furiously blushing. “I’ve been so busy writing erotica…I failed to attend to my pricness duties. I also shut out my closest friends as result,” she said, turning to Starlight. “It’s just I’ve been at a loose end for a long time…and it’s kind of gotten to me. I am a grown mare, and…sometimes I have to succumb to my sexual needs. With nopony else to satiate myself, I took to dressing seductively and writing steamy stories to…pleasure myself. I published my stories anonymously, and well, the publisher liked my stories so much, he wanted them featured on Playcolt. And before I knew it, I was writing for them almost every week.
“What you thought was a ‘love letter,’ Rainbow Dash, was actually an excerpt of a story I’m working on. I sent it to you by mail so you could look over it. I was hoping to get some feedback from you.”
“Well, that explains everything,” Pinkie said.
“Not quite. Rainbow Dash, you told us that both Twilight and Spike are guilty,” Rarity added. “You haven’t accounted for the latter party.”
“Well…”
Rarity cut her off. “I think I can pick up where you left off, Rainbow Dash. Well, first of all, it’s important to know that until now, Spike didn’t know about Twilight’s magazine writing. Am I right, Spikey-wikey?”
“Well, I kind of did.”
“Yes. Well, it’s quite common knowledge that Spike serves as Twilight’s scribe frequently. And it’s his responsibility to copy to her dictation. So, it’s in Spike’s handwriting because Twilight asked Spike to copy down the manuscript for her.”
“That’s quite right,” Twilight Sparkle said. “I was quite busy that day, so I asked Spike to copy to my dictation while I worked on some magic potions I was preparing for Star Swirl. I can multitask that way.”
“But Spike…he could not resist, could you, Spikey-wikey?” Rarity said, tempting Spike as she leaned closer to the young dragon.
“What are you talking about?” Rainbow Dash said.
“Spike isn’t a machine,” Rarity continued. “When Spike had to copy Twilight’s so-called love-letter, his interest was obviously piqued. ‘What a sweet love letter to send to by dear crush Rarity!’ he must have thought. So while Twilight was preoccupied with her potions, Spike copied the letter, word for word, intending it as a love letter, only changing the signature at the bottom from ‘Your lesbian best friend’ to ‘Your best friend.’ Am I right…?”
“You…you hit the nail on the head, Rarity,” he said, furiously blushing.
“But wait a sec,” Rainbow Dash said. “You, Rarity, got the letter signed ‘your lesbian best friend.’ That’s the story excerpt, not a real love letter. But I got the letter signed ‘your best friend,’ which is the actual love letter.”
“Spikey-wikey, how could you!?” Rarity cried. Not that she cared about Spike in that way—but that Spike would pick Rainbow Dash over her!
“No, Rarity I swear!” Okay, that was the first time Spike said no to Rarity. For realsies. “I must have accidentally placed the notes in the wrong envelopes. So you got the fake love letter, signed ‘your lesbian best friend,’ and Rainbow Dash got the real love letter, signed ‘your best friend.’”
“One more thing that doesn’t add up,” Twilight added. “I also had a letter explaining to Rainbow Dash that I was sending you a story excerpt, not an actual love letter. You mean you didn’t get that letter?”
“Nope.”
“Well, perhaps it wasn’t sent.”
“Let’s see.” Rainbow Dash flew into Twilight’s study room, shuffling through the messy pile of papers. “Here it is! The unsent note!” She read it out loud to everypony (and Spike).
Dear Rainbow Dash,
I have been working on a romance story over the past few weeks. I was wondering if you could help look over some it and give me your feedback? In a few days you will receive an excerpt of my story through the mail. I look forward to your constructive feedback. Thanks again!
Yours truly,
Twilight Sparkle
And so, the mystery was solved. The ponies and Spike stood in silence for a moment. So as it turned out, there was no crime at all—just a horrible series of misunderstandings. What sordid things that go on in Ponyville. Well as a matter of fact, you could hardly call anonymous love letters a crime.
“So…” Pinkie began. “Twilight isn’t gay?”
“Nope.”
“Rainbow Dash isn’t gay?” Pinkie added.
“Nope.”
“Rarity isn’t gay?”
“Of course not,” the unicorn responded.
“Okey-dokey lokey…” Pinkie said, squinting her eyes.
At that moment, Derpy the mailmare arrived at the castle doorstep with a letter. It was addressed to Twilight Sparkle. The princess opened it, and Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Spike, and Pinkie all read the contents of the note. 3 ponies and 1 dragon blushed. “It…it’s another love letter! A real one! This isn’t one of my stories, I swear!”
“But…who could have written it?”
One pony was seen bouncing away at full speed out of the castle and into the distance.
