We're Gonna Need a Bigger Mop
Twilight stepped into a puddle of amniotic fluid.
This definitely wasn’t a normal situation. Under normal circumstances, puddles of amniotic fluid just weren’t something that happened every day. Ponies who could tell amniotic fluid from any other organic substance, even less so.
Twilight, however, was pretty familiar with it. Or rather, she became familiar with it over the course of the last few weeks. In fact, she thanked Celestia it was only the amniotic fluid. She’d recently stepped into far worse things in her castle.
“Spike!” she exclaimed. “Get a mop!”
It took a while before Spike responded. “Should I get a plastic bag too?”
“Nah, it’s just the fluid this time,” Twilight replied, looking at her hoof. “I wonder where it comes from.”
“We already asked the usual suspects.” Spike walked into the chamber with a mop and a bucket of water. “Discord says it wasn’t him. Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle don’t know what amniotic fluid is. Starlight–”
“What about me?” Another door opened and Starlight walked in. “Oh, this again? Do you still think it’s me?”
Twilight smiled sheepishly. “Well, Spike listed the Cutie Mark Crusaders before you, so I guess he doesn’t quite believe–”
“Speaking of believing…” Starlight looked at the puddle and winced. “Since when do we believe Discord when he says that he didn’t do something?”
“Well, that’s not exactly his style,” Twilight replied.
Starlight rolled her eyes. “I found a rotting placenta in my room. It took three days before I got rid of the smell–”
“More like three days before you managed to fix everything after trying to burn your room down,” Spike said, wiping the puddle with the mop. “But yeah, placentas and amniotic fluid are not Discord’s style. If he wanted to prank you, he’d turn your bed into a bowl of strawberry pudding or–”
Twilight gagged loudly enough for Spike and Starlight to look at her and back off just in case. “I’m sorry…” she said, blushing. “Strawberry pudding made me think of that time when I stepped into a–”
“Eww!” Starlight winced again. “Don’t remind me!”
Spike raised his hand. “We seriously need to do something about this. I mean, there must be some rational explanation for all this.”
Starlight shrugged. “We are in a crystal castle that emerged from a chest with six locks and comes with a map of Equestria that occasionally sends us on quests. I doubt your definition of ‘rational’ is the same as mine.”
“Was it rational to convince ponies that cutie marks are evil?” Spike smirked. “Also, why Frozen North? There are many warmer places in Equestria…”
Starlight’s cheeks turned crimson. “It seemed like a good idea at the time. Also, what is your theory, genius?”
“Well, it’s technically a tree,” Spike said. “Maybe it tries to grow seeds…”
Twilight scratched her mane and furrowed her eyebrows. “If they’re seeds, wouldn’t they look more like seeds rather, than, umm…”
“Fetuses,” Starlight said. “Occasionally embryos, sometimes just amniotic fluid, placentas, and other such stuff. At this point we can assume the castle itself produces them. Because really, do you have a better theory?”
“It’s trying to tell us to become mothers?” Twilight shrugged.
Starlight shuddered. “I said better theory,” she hissed. “Let’s say that the sight of those things doesn’t make me want to become a mother, ever. I still think seeds were a better idea.”
“They’d look more like the Chest of Harmony, I think,” Twilight said. “Why’d they even look like pony embryos?”
“Maybe they’re hybrids,” Starlight said. “Your castle had contact with pony DNA–”
Twilight winced. “Are you suggesting somepony impregnated my castle?”
“I mean, sometimes those colts who come here for Twilight Time disappear in the toilet for a long time,” Spike said. “And someone stole my uncensored Radiance-focused issue of Power Ponies and–” He paused, seeing Twilight’s and Starlight’s expressions. “I’d better stop digging.”
“Yeah, we didn’t need that mental image,” Starlight said. “Right, Twilight? Twilight!”
“I’m sorry, I’m just trying not to think about colts masturbating in my toilet,” Twilight replied. “I use it too, after all.”
Starlight’s pupils narrowed. “Me too. Well, whenever I can actually find it. It’s a big castle.”
“Can we get back to the topic of foals?” Spike asked.
“We’re still on it.” Starlight looked at Spike and smirked. “I hope they at least wash their hooves afterwards.”
“I meant the dead ones.” Spike looked around. “Also,when I think about it, this theory sucks. After all, the dead fetuses crop up in various places, not just the toilets.”
Starlight scratched her mane. “So, they can’t find the toilet and just go wherever?”
“No, it’s just you,” Twilight replied. “Maybe the tree transports them? Nah, that seems too complicated. Do we even know whose DNA those fetuses contain?”
“Hard to tell.” Spike shrugged. “Whenever one appears, you just scream and tell me to get a bucket.”
“Well, that was a mistake,” Twilight said. “Next time, we have to collect one for research purposes.”
“I’ll remember to do that when I’m done vomiting.” Starlight shuddered. “Although, somehow we’ve never seen them grow. They just appear.”
Twilight nodded. “Well, that’s another thing we need to find out…”
It was the middle of the night when Twilight, Starlight, and Spike met again. The lights in the castle were out, but they could still see a lot in the faint shine of the crystal walls. However, this didn’t help – no fetuses showed up.
“Did I ever mention how creepy this place looks at night?” Starlight asked, her words echoing in the empty corridors. “I’m expecting an actual foal to emerge from behind the corner and crawl to us, cackling in an inequine way…”
“You just don’t like foals, do you?” Spike asked.
“Of course not,” Starlight replied, rolling her eyes. “They’re loud, they stink, and we keep finding dead ones in our castle.”
“My castle,” Twilight muttered. “Also, can you be quiet? We don’t want to scare whoever leaves those foals.”
“If you spent some time with my father, you’d hate foals too.” Starlight walked down the corridor, looking at one of the doors. “He’s like a big foal himself. And he keeps asking me about foals. Why’d I even need them?”
Twilight groaned and pulled her ears. “Just stop talking, okay? We may discover something scientifically significant but you keep chatting.”
“Well, we should try the meddling foals’ method,” Starlight said. “Let’s split up. There’s a bigger chance that we’ll find something.”
“Okay,” Twilight replied. “I’ll check the second floor and you go to the dungeon.”
“On a second thought, we should’ve taken the second floor.” Starlight looked around. The dungeon of the castle, while devoid of typical dungeon-like elements such as long-forgotten skeletons kept in cages, chains, old sets of armour, or torture devices, was still quite impressive. Starlight felt as if something was next to them in those empty corridors; she could swear she heard breathing and a distant heartbeat.
“Can you hear that too, Spike?” Starlight asked.
“Yeah,” Spike whispered. “It’s almost as if this place is alive. Maybe the Tree of Harmony made it that way?”
“The more I research the Tree of Harmony, the less I like it, to be honest.” Starlight walked to the wall and poked it a few times with her hoof.
“That’s why I don’t research stuff,” Spike replied. “Makes me sleep better.”
“I sleep pretty well, thank you.” Starlight sighed, poking the wall. “It’s just that– Aaargh!” She was thrown backwards by a blast of compressed air and confetti, landing on the other side of the corridor.
“It must be one of Pinkie’s confetti cannons,” Spike said. “She put them around so Twilight would feel more like at home.”
“When?” Starlight sat on the floor and rubbed her forehead.
“Oh, soon after you ran away from your village,” Spike replied. “You’ve never found any more of them?”
“How are exploding cannons supposed to make me feel more like at home?” Starlight furrowed her eyebrows. “I mean, maybe if you live with Limestone Pie…” She sniffed her hoof. “Eww…”
“What happened?” Spike asked. “Did you just wet yourself?”
“No, I landed in a puddle of amniotic fluid or something,” Starlight muttered. “I’ll have to get tested for STDs again.”
“Any traces of a foal?” Spike looked around. “Maybe they grow out of something?”
“No, not really,” Starlight replied. “I wonder how Twilight is doing…”
Twilight leaned from behind the corner, looked around, and tiptoed towards the coffee table with a chessboard on it. She hid under it, thinking of her next move. After some consideration, she moved the queen to a4, making a mental note to send this move to Princess Luna with the morning post. Then she crawled from under the table and looked around again.
There wasn’t much to see. Twilight didn’t want to light up her horn and give up her position, so she had to manage with only the faint glow of the walls. As far as she could tell, there was no one in sight; she took a deep breath and sneaked across the room, hiding behind a bookcase.
“Reveal yourself,” she whispered.
Nopony answered. Twilight’s ears perked up when she heard some faint noise coming from the dungeon.
“Starlight?” Twilight darted from behind her cover and trotted down the stairs. However, before she reached the dungeon, she heard some more noises coming from one of the corridors on the first floor; as if somepony in a heavy set of armour was taking a walk.
Twilight followed the noise. “Who is there!?” she exclaimed. “Reveal yourself!”
“No, you reveal yourself!” the other voice called.
Twilight charged her horn. “Get out or I’ll shoot!”
“No, I’ll shoot first!”
Suddenly, someone turned on the lights. Twilight found herself standing in the middle of the corridor, aiming her horn at Starlight, entangled in an old armour standing by the door. Spike stood by the light switch, smiling at the scene.
“What are you doing?” Twilight asked.
“I teleported out of the dungeon and hit that rusty piece of junk,” Starlight replied, poking the armour. “It’s not so easy in the dark.”
“Why’d you teleport out of the dungeon?” Twilight furrowed her eyebrows. “You’ve made so much noise we probably scared everything here off.”
“At least I found a new puddle of amniotic fluid,” Starlight replied. “What did you find?”
“Not much,” Twilight said. “I still need to check that corridor, though.” She pointed at the corridor with eight doors on each side. Starlight wasn’t sure if she’d seen it before, but then, she wasn’t an expert on the castle’s geography.
“It reminds me of something.” Starlight shrugged. “Are you sure it’s safe?”
“Of course,” Twilight replied. “The Tree of Harmony wouldn’t hurt us.” She walked into the first door on the left.
A few minutes later, she emerged from the seventh door on the right. “See?” she said. “It’s safe.”
Starlight furrowed her eyebrows. “How did you– Nevermind, actually.” She walked into the second door on the left while Spike chose third.
Soon, Spike walked out of the fifth door on the left, while Starlight trotted from the eighth room on the right to seventh on the left. Twilight walked into the second room on the right, only to emerge from the trapdoor in the floor. Spike walked out from the sixth room on the left, shrugged and came back. A griffon and a earth pony mare walked out of the third room on the right, looked around carefully, and hid behind the fourth door on the left. Right after they disappeared, Starlight walked out of the ninth room on the left, turned back, and counted the doors, noting that there were indeed eight of them on each side.
She counted once more, just to be sure, and eventually walked into the fifth room on the left. There was nothing inside, so she walked back, only to see another Starlight walking out of the door on the opposite side of the corridor.
“What the hell?” Starlight asked, furrowing her eyebrows.
The other Starlight smiled at her. “There’s some sort of a temporal paradox in this room. Follow me.” She went back into the room and closed the door.
Starlight looked around, shrugged, and walked to the room with her other self. When she opened the door, it turned out to be empty; if there was any temporal paradox in there, Starlight couldn’t see it. Besides, she didn’t even know what it’d look like.
“Other me?” she asked. “Where are you?”
Nopony replied. Starlight shrugged and walked out of the room. As soon as she opened the door, she saw another Starlight emerging from the door vis-à-vis her.
The other Starlight furrowed her eyebrows. “What the hell?” she asked.
Starlight smiled sheepishly at her. “There’s some sort of a temporal paradox in this room. Follow me.” She turned back and closed the door. This time, however, the room wasn’t empty. There was a staircase in it, leading downwards. Having nothing else to do, Starlight walked down.
After a short trip, she found herself—this time metaphorically—in the kitchen, along with Spike and Twilight.
“How did you get here?” Twilight asked. “Did you find something?”
“I think I found myself,” Starlight replied. “What about you?”
“Nothing, really,” Twilight said. But I have a new theory.”
“It probably sucks as much as the old one!” Starlight exclaimed, rolling her eyes. “I’m done with getting shot in the face with a cannon, ending up covered in amniotic fluid, and your hare-brained theories about your castle using dead foals as hints for us! I’m going to sleep!”
“Starlight, wait!” Twilight rushed to Starlight. “It’s a really good theory!”
Spike cleared his throat. “Maybe you should explain it to them.”
Starlight and Twilight turned back and saw that Spike was pointing at a mare and a griffon sneaking down the corridor behind the kitchen door. They all froze for a moment, staring at each other.
“Stop right there, criminal scum!” Starlight exclaimed, charging her horn and aiming it at the intruders. “What are you doing in our castle?”
“My castle,” Twilight muttered.
The mare looked at Twilight. She had a pinkish coat, green mane, and a red beret, currently slightly askew. “Twilight? Is that you?” she asked.
“Do you know me?” Twilight raised her eyebrows.
“Of course she knows you,” Starlight said. “You’re a princess, after all.”
The griffoness with yellow feathers and pale yellow fur poked her companion. “This must be this world’s Twilight,” she said. “Maybe she’ll tell us how to turn this on.”
“Turn what on?” Twilight asked.
“Well…” the mare looked at her hooves. “We kinda had a problem and, umm…”
“What?” Starlight asked. “And who are you two, anyway? I think I’ve seen you somewhere…”
“Cherry Crash,” the griffon said.
“Drama Letter.” The mare looked at Starlight. “We went through the portal hidden in the pedestal of that statue in front of our school…”
“So, you’re from the human world?” Twilight asked. “Why did you come here?”
Cherry Crash rolled her eyes. “Okay, maybe I’ll explain before Drama gets too dramatic. We had a little accident and we both got kinda pregnant…”
“You don’t get kinda pregnant,” Spike said. “You either are pregnant or you’re not.”
“Shut up, lizard, I know what I’m saying,” Cherry Crash replied. “So, we were wondering what to do and then Naomi Nobody told us that she had the same problem and Paisley told her that when she got pregnant–”
“Wait.” Starlight raised her hoof. “Just how bad is sex-ed in your world?”
“It kinda sucks.” Cherry Crash smiled sheepishly.
“I’ve heard ours isn’t much better since Cheerilee was banned from bringing Big Mac to the class,” Spike whispered.
“Anyway, how did you end up here?” Twilight asked, furrowing her eyebrows.
“Paisley told us that Sunset Shimmer told her an interesting story about horses,” Drama Letter said.
“Oh, I’m pretty sure of that,” Starlight muttered.
“Apparently they can, umm…” Drama Letter blushed.
“Abort foals on their own, geez.” Cherry Crash rolled her eyes and poked Drama Letter with her claw. “Stop being a pansy. The problem is, we don’t know how to turn it on.” She shrugged. “Maybe you know? Being horses and stuff?”
“No,” Starlight said.
“Yes.” Twilight blushed when everyone looked at her. “Well, I read about it…”
“Great,” Cherry Crash said. “So, how do I do the yeetus that fetus trick?”
Twilight cleared her throat. “Well, for starters, in this world you’re a griffon, so you can’t do that.”
Cherry Crash groaned. “Oh, just great…”
“Don’t worry, if you stay here for a few weeks, you’ll lay an egg.” Starlight snickered.
“What the fuck?” Cherry Crash winced and looked at her crotch. “Wait, how big is that egg? And do you think the damage will carry on to my world?”
Twilight shrugged. “About the size of a football.”
Cherry Crash froze, her pupils narrowing.
“Don’t worry, I’ve heard most griffons sell their eggs if they don’t feel like hatching them,” Starlight said.
“It’s a lie made up by those who don’t like griffons and producers of egg incubators.” Twilight shot Starlight a glare. “It’s just another variation of the greedy griffons myth–”
“How much do they cost?” Cherry Crash asked. “The eggs, I mean?”
“On the black market, about five thousand bits per egg,” Twilight said. “But I last checked a year ago and the prices may have gone up. As for the exchange rate–”
Cherry Crash smirked. “To think about it, a football is not the biggest thing I’ve ever had in my cunt. Aren’t your bits pure gold, or something?”
“They are,” Spike replied, looking at Drama Letter, who was trying to hide behind Cherry Crash.
“Awesome!” Cherry Crash turned back and pulled Drama Letter towards herself. “Hey, maybe someone would buy your kid too? Like, who wouldn’t want a little pony?”
“In a world that is full of them?” Starlight shrugged. “I guess they’d be pretty cheap and–” She paused, seeing the glares Twilight and Spike were giving her. “Of course it’s bad to sell foals.”
“Still, it pays,” Cherry Crash said. “Come on, Drama, we should find some place to crash. Do you have some hotel, hospital, or wherever I can lay eggs? Of course, Drama will have to stay for a bit longer…”
“I’m still not sure about that,” Drama muttered. “I mean… eww.”
“Okay, whatever.” Cherry Crash rolled her eyes. “So, how do I lay eggs?”
Twilight’s eye twitched.
“On a second thought, we could’ve agreed,” Starlight said, levitating a cup of coffee and watching as Twilight planted another ‘Please, drop your fetuses outside. Thank you!’ sign next to the mirror. “Spi– I mean, my source says that the griffon egg cost can go up to ten thousand bits now. And trust me, my source is an expert when it comes to eggs bought in shady circumstances.”
“That reminds me.” Twilight levitated another board; this one had a picture of a griffon with ‘if you look like this, you can’t abort a kid on your own. In fact, you lay eggs’ written next to it. “Do you think I should put a mirror next to it so they see what they look like?”
“I guess they’ll look into the mirror with the portal.” Starlight shrugged. “And to think Gallus’ parents sold him to Grampa Gruff for a bottle of whisky and a pack of cigarettes…”
“Yeah, that’s sad,” Twilight muttered.
“I mean, how much whisky could’ve they bought for ten thousand bits?”
Twilight rubbed her temples. “That’s not what I meant. And it’s still immoral, no matter how much money we could earn from that.”
Starlight shrugged. “You just don’t want our castle to become a giant egg incubator…”
The few ponies who already woke up and left their houses at this early hour, could see quite an interesting sight. A blast of powerful magic cracked some of the windows in Twilight’s kitchen. The sole remaining pane didn’t last long either; suddenly, a pony flew through it, landing in the moat surrounding the School of Friendship.
Those few ponies would then see Starlight Glimmer emerging from the moat, spitting water, and listening to a maniacal laughter coming from the castle. When the crowd gathered, some of them swore that they heard words coming from the kitchen.
“For the last time! It’s my castle! Mine! Mine! Only mine!”