Prologue - An Ordinary Morning

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I came to slowly. I’d long since stopped using an alarm clock, finding it much simpler to be woken up by the morning sunlight streaming onto my face through the bedroom window. The golden light was enough to prompt me to open my eyes and begin to stir. Of course, the first thing I did was put up a hand to shield my eyes from the early morning glare. But after letting my eyes adjust for a moment, I soon came to my senses.

With a yawn and a stretch, I took a moment to look about me. The master bedroom of my house was quite large, about the same size as my old house, although I must confess that the bed is much softer than I’m used to. And trust me, when you get to my age, it’s nice to have the soft support for your back. Sitting up, I leaned against the headboard of the bed and took a look at the clock that sat on top of the book on my bedside table. It had just gone six o’clock. I was actually a little surprised, normally sunrise was a little earlier. Had my employer slept in for once?

Turning to my left, I looked over at the sleeping form of my wife. She was getting on for middle age now, but she was just as beautiful as the day I married her. Right now though, Margaret was still sleeping peacefully. Well, snoring peacefully at least, but I don’t dare tell her that. She’d get up in another hour or so. Her job had a much shorter commute, being only a ten minute walk to the schoolhouse in the town. I on the other hand, had to catch a train and then take a cab to my job, and I still needed to be there at nine AM sharp.

Carefully pulling back the bed sheets, I did my best to get up without disturbing her. Putting on my slippers, I walked over to the en suite and quickly did my teeth, washed my face and had a shave. With that done, I threw on my dressing gown and went downstairs for breakfast.

My house was what you might expect for someone living in my tax bracket. The kitchen had recently been done up my wife’s request; for the third time in five years. Honestly, why do they need to do that? A kitchen is a kitchen; as long as it isn’t on fire and everything works, why do you need to mess with it? Anyway, I quickly made myself some scrambled eggs on toast, some porridge and a cup of tea to get me going. This is one of the main reasons I get up so early actually. I’d much rather have a decent home cooked breakfast than spend money on a bowl of cereal and a coffee on the train. Next to me, curled up in his basket, still sleeping, was a large Alsatian. This was Charlie; I’d taken him in a couple of years ago, and he’d lived with us ever since.

As I was just polishing off my meal, there was a knock at the front door, prompting him to wake up and wag his tail excitedly. There was only one person that it could be this early. Setting down the utensils, I got up and headed to the front door, with Charlie following at my heels. Taking off the deadbolt and opening it up I came face to face with the first hint that I wasn’t in Kansas any more.

“Morning, Derpy,” I said brightly. “Busy morning?”

Now, odd names aside, what was more unusual, at least to most people, was that I was talking to a four foot tall grey pegasus with a blonde mane and tail. Not exactly a common sight is it? Well, actually, when you find yourself in Equestria, pegasi, to use the plural, are actually some of the less unusual creatures you’ll come across.

Let me explain.

Due to circumstances beyond my control, never mind my understanding, me, my wife and my two children found ourselves somehow transported to Equestria; a far cry from dear old Blighty. It’s actually the same world as found in some kid's TV show called. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. A show my twenty year old son was a fan of; and yes, you read that right. I’ve never understood how he got into it, he just did while he was in university. And to think I just worried about him smoking a bit of wacky baccy. Anyway, my son; Bones as I call him these days, helped us find our way out of the Everfree Forest; a rather dangerous spot of woodlands. From there, we were introduced to the locals, and after it became clear that we were stuck here, we all began to settle down into new lives.

Let’s be honest, it could have been a lot worse. At least we were all able to stay together, although along the way, at one point or another, my son and my daughter, Lizzie, have both been turned into ponies. Bones is a unicorn and Lizzie a pegasus; me and the wife are still good old homo sapiens sapiens though. We’d been in Equestria for the better part of five years now, living in a house kindly built for us by Equestria’s rulers. My wife, as I said, worked in the local school, and I was employed by the government, advising on legal matters. Oh, and my dog? Yeah, he’s actually a disguised changeling (sort of a bug pony) that I agreed to take in and look after, so don’t think anything in my new life is normal.

Anyway, enough backstory, let’s get back to Derpy. The pegasus had a small parcel held deftly in her teeth. When you don’t have fingers, your mouth is your best bet for holding things. Of course, it did leave her ability to speak somewhat reduced. Taking the package from her, she replied to my greeting.

“Morning, Roger,” she said brightly. Derpy is definitely a morning pony. I suppose you have to be if you’re going to be delivering mail. “No, not too bad; this is the only parcel I have on my route this morning. I think this might be that catalogue from Canterlot Boutique that Margaret ordered.”

Taking a look at the package, and taking a moment to translate the Equestrian writing (it’s a weird mix of English characters, with a sort of Cyrillic twist thrown in), I saw that it was indeed addressed to my wife.

“Ah good,” I replied with a smile. “She’s been waiting on this for a week. Anything else for me?” This time, Derpy passed me a few letters with her wing. They’re remarkably like hands actually. I took a quick look through, but there was nothing that couldn’t wait till I got home this evening.

“Tar much,” I said, setting them on a nearby table. “You want a slice of toast for the road?” Derpy shook her head.

“No thanks, I’m good,” she replied. “See you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow, Derpy,” I said with a wave.

As the pegasus took off, her saddlebags still full of mail to deliver, she nearly collided mid air with another early morning flyer that was passing by. Luckily, she was able to jink out of the way, calling out sorry as she flew on. It’s not her fault really, ever since her accident (this was before my time) she’s had some trouble with her sight and been a touch clumsy. Still, I can say that she’s never lost anything I’ve ever trusted her with, and she’s braved some pretty bad conditions to ensure her deliveries get through. You do sadly though get the odd jackass who has a go at her, or makes fun of her because of her eyes.

I find threatening to break every bone in their body very slowly gets them to be a lot more understanding and considerate. The poor girl can’t help the way she is, and she’s doing a good job.

Anyway, moving on. After breakfast, I headed upstairs to get dressed. I found that Margaret had woken up and like me, was just coming to.

“Morning, darling,” I said as I walked back in and went over to the wardrobe. I have a couple of suits for work that had been ironed over the weekend and took a moment to choose between black and light grey.

“Hey,” my wife said tiredly. “What time is it?” I glanced at the clock.

“Just gone half six,” I said. “I’ll be off in another ten minutes. Want me to get you anything while I’m up in Canterlot?” We live in a town called Ponyville, Canterlot is Equestria’s capitol city. In addition to being where I work, there’s more than a few good shops there.

“No, I’m good,” she replied as I tried on different ties. “Anything major on the books today?”

My job, you see, is working as the legal advisor to the country’s two ruling princesses; Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. Celestia looks after matters in the day, and Luna takes over at night. In fact, it was Celestia whose magic was responsible for actually raising the sun this morning. That one took more than a little getting used to. Essentially, every weekday, Celestia holds court, where anypony can come and petition her. When the situation involves the law, or if she has to oversee a court case, I step in to provide advice and counsel. It’s certainly a step up from my old job as a solicitor in the magistrate's court.

“All quiet, really,” I said. “What with Tia’s niece being almost ready to pop, she and Luna might well be heading up to the Crystal Empire before long to meet the new bundle of joy.” My wife smiled.

“It must be exciting for Cadence and Shining Armor,” she added. “And a royal baby is always good for the masses.” I smiled at that.

“Well, it can’t be any worse than the royal wedding they went through.” Long story, for another time.

“What time do you think you’ll be back tonight?” I paused to think as I selected a suit and walked into the en suite to change.

“Shouldn’t be much later than seven,” I said, raising my voice a little to be heard through the door. “What’s dinner tonight?”

“I was thinking we might treat ourselves and go out to that lovely bistro again down on Stirrup street. You sure you won’t be too tired?”

“No, sounds nice,” I replied as I did up my belt and tucked in my shirt. With the basics done, I stepped back out into the bedroom. My suit jacket was hanging off the end of the bed, while my briefcase was sitting on the floor nearby. I’d been going over a couple of files in bed last night.

“Right, I’d best be off. Oh, by the way. Derpy dropped off that catalogue you ordered the other week.”

“Oh great. Well, then, I’ll see you when you get back. Kiss?” Smiling, I walked round to her side of the bed and bent down to kiss her.

“I’ll see you tonight,” I said.

And with that, I was out the door.

By now the sun was well and truly up, which meant Celestia herself had been up for some time. Honestly, I don’t know how that mare does it. She gets up when it’s still dark, raises the sun, and then does a full day of work, before lowering the sun in the evening and passing things off to her sister. And she still doesn’t look a day over thirty despite being over a thousand years old. I suppose that comes with the territory of being immortal though. Once upon a time, that was an odd sentence.

Walking down the short garden path, I opened the little picket fence gate and started on my way to the station. My house is pretty close to the centre of town. Town Hall is a mere five minutes walk as is the home of Equestria’s fourth princess; Twilight Sparkle. The Princess of Friendship can be a little...odd, at times. My son gets on with her a treat. In fact, personally, before it became clear he was interested in his marefriend, I thought that he might be sweet on her. Her large crystalline tree shaped castle dominates Ponyville’s skyline and serves as both her home, a library to replace the old one which was destroyed in a rather nasty business some time ago, and as a headquarters for her friends, who collectively serve as the bearers of the Elements of Harmony. Again, that’s something we can get into later.

I hadn’t actually seen Twilight in a few days, not since she first took on her new student. You see, Twilight used to be Celestia’s personal student, who was sent to Ponyville to study friendship, and also thwart an attempt by a then crazed Luna to usurp the throne. Back then though, she was just a unicorn. Only after several years of learning about friendship was she given the opportunity to become an alicorn like Celestia and be crowned as a princess.

But anyway, her new student, she was something of a sore point for me. Her name was Starlight Glimmer, she was a unicorn, and if you ask me they ought to have locked her up and thrown away the key. The mare was certifiably nuts and belonged in Bedlam. Ponies you see have these things called cutie marks; symbols that appear on their hind quarters that show what their special talent is. Don’t ask me to explain the ins and outs, all I know is that it’s magic and that one’s special talent is tied to your very identity. Starlight had set up this village out in the middle of nowhere and started something of a cult based around complete equality, which call for the removal of cutie marks. She didn’t practice what she preached however and kept her own mark and resultant magical power. In human terms, she took these ponies very souls and locked them up in a vault.

When Twilight and her friends found her, they intervened and helped restore everypony’s cutie mark. Starlight however, escaped. She only returned several months later, having stolen a time travel spell. She tried to stop Twilight and her friends ever meeting, which resulted in several timelines where all sorts of disasters took place. Eventually, Twilight managed to talk her down and bring her in. But rather than give any sort of punishment, she took her on as a student, overrode my decision and pardoned her. Now, I’m all for reforming criminals, but when you do something like that, there needs to be a few consequences.

But neither Twilight nor Celestia would budge on the matter. And since Equestria is an absolutist diarchy, there was sod all I could do about it. So, each morning, I have to go past and see that nut job still free and unpunished. The only thing I can do is keep an eye out. But I’ve been keeping back the mother of all I told you so’s for Twilight when her little pupil goes axe crazy again.

Anyway, having passed the castle tree thing, I soon found myself at Ponyville’s train station. The train had just pulled into the station. I have to say, as a bloke, it was a hideous thing to look at. Don’t get me wrong, it was nice to see steam power again, but it was pink and covered in love hearts. At least I didn’t have to look at it when I actually boarded the Friendship Express, and yes, that is what it’s called. What’s wrong with Mallard, Flying Scotsman or Golden Arrow?

The trip was free at least. Given my position as a senior government minister, I have a rail warrant that let’s me ride the line for free as long as it’s for work purposes. I’m certainly glad for that since, just like back home, season passes are expensive as hell.

Heading inside, passing the guard, or conductor as their American-esque ponies insist on calling him, I sat down on one of the futons. Being quadrupeds, ponies don’t exactly have a need for raised seats, so I have to sit Indian style most of the time. Although you can stretch yourself out and lie down too, which is nice.

The train blew its whistle and we were soon pulling out of the station. Next stop; Canterlot.

Chapter 1 - Crystalling

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The train ride took around the better part of an hour, rattling along at about fifty miles an hour through the countryside, slowly ascending out of the Canterhorn valley and climbing up the mountain itself. Why Celestia chose to site her capital there, I have no idea. Her old castle, which she shared with her sister, is deep in the heart of the Everfree Forest, the place where we first arrived, and is now long abandoned. Following some unpleasantness with her sister, which is now all water under the bridge, the pair have continued to rule from a castle in a city perched precariously on a mountain ledge. Still, it’s stood for over a millennia and been through more strife than most cities in Europe, and it still stands strong, so I’m not too worried.

Emerging out of the last tunnel, the train blew its whistle as we approached the station, and the guard called out all change for the end of the line. Grabbing my briefcase from the overhead, I got to my feet, standing head and shoulders, and then some, above the other passengers. The train was fairly busy, with this being the end of the line and the express that ran directly to the capitol. Still, it was better than New Street on a Monday morning. There was far less pushing and shoving to get off.

Hoping down onto the platform, I found myself at Canterlot station. The train had nowhere to go now, with buffers blocking any further progress. During the journey, the sun had rose higher and looking up at the sky, for the station was an open air one, I found it a light blue with only a few clouds. I also caught sight of the floating city of Cloudsdale; the home of the pegasi. They actually walk on clouds, you know., and even manipulate the weather in Equestria to make sure the crops grow, even changing the seasons.

Heading out of the station, I found myself in one of the main streets of the opulent city. Being the capitol, it is also home to the nobility. Basically think of London, but without the hipsters and liberals, just the rich toffs. Everything was ivory and gold for the most part, with splashes of other colours here and there for the sake of variety. While most ponies went about on foot, you could hire single pony pulled dog carts to take you where you needed. Since the castle is right at the top of the hill, I didn’t fancy the walk, and I can well afford the fare.

Sticking two fingers between my teeth, I let out a sharp whistle and flagged down a cab. The trip was fairly cheap. Well, cheap by Canterlot standards; ten bits, round about ten quid for the brief trip. We made our way up the hill, past high end shops, restaurants, embassies to foreign nations like the Griffon Kingdom and Yakyakistan, along with plenty of offices. Eventually though, I was deposited in front of the gates of Canterlot Castle.

The castle itself is like something out of a fairytale. Beautiful tall spires stretch up into the sky, and access is only by a traditional drawbridge. Like the rest of the city, it’s design was mostly ivory and gold, with splashes of purple and dark blue hues here and there. Out front was the usual guard detail. This was the home of the nation’s two rulers after all; they don’t just let anypony in, certainly not after the various times wannabe tyrants have tried to take over.

I knew both the guards. They all look quite similar, being pegasi with white coats and light blue manes. That’s actually an enchantment brought on by the golden armour they all wear. While it takes a knack, you can eventually tell them apart.

“Morning, lads,” I said, fishing out my identification as I walked up. One of them scrutinized it briefly while the other kept an eye on me.

“Morning, Mr. Owen,” he said after a moment, before adding. “Alright, you know the drill.”

Stepping forward, I was approached by a third guard, this one with a grey coat and silver mane and tail. He was a unicorn, and using his magic did a quick scan of me. Think of it like going through a metal detector in the airport. I had no trouble with him. I’m always careful not to do anything to set them off. If nothing else, it means a half hour delay while they check you over. When he finished the other guard handed back my ID and I was allowed to go on my way.

“Thanks, gents,” I said with a nod. “See you all later.”

With that, I headed inside.

The interior of the castle was just as opulent as the exterior. Beautiful marble hallways took you all over the many wings of the castle, including the various towers that housed the princesses’ private quarters. Given our position atop a mountain, the large panoramic windows allowed for spectacular views of the valley a few thousand feet below, and let the morning sunlight stream in, lighting the place up without need for artificial light. Even in the nighttime, once Princess Luna had raised the moon, the halls were lit by the moonlight, giving the place a completely different character, mimicking the transition of power from one sister to another.

Now, my office was a couple of floors up, and actually not a great distance away from the throne room itself. After all, as the legal advisor, I would often need to sit in on cases and petitions that came to the princess there. I would actually be headed to the throne room in a little while. Celestia typically held a morning meeting shortly before court opened, briefing her advisors and ministers on her itinerary and any special occasions that were due. Chief among those at the moment was the ongoing renovations. The throne room you see had been put together when Celestia had been forced to rule alone during her sisters’ exile. As such, the architecture reflected her role as Princess of sun and the day. But with her younger sisters return to Equestria and the political world, it had been decided that the throne room ought to reflect the reconstituted diarchy. In other words, the place was getting a new paint job, new furniture, including two thrones so that Luna didn’t have to share one with Celestia, as well as some major architectural modifications. Before too long, Celestia would have to conduct business from her own office, at least for a couple of weeks. The due date for the new throne room to be ready was the day of the Friendship Festival; an annual celebration beginning this year at the request of Twilight Sparkle.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Following my usual route, I soon came to my office with its large, heavy, dark chestnut coloured door. Fishing out my keys, I unlocked the door and turned the brass handle. My own office was relatively small, but still had enough for my needs. First of all, as you came in, on the right hand side and on the one side of the two panoramic windows, were the bookcases. Being essentially a lawyer meant that I had tome after tome of legal texts on hand, all full of useful titbits of information. You never know when a spot of case law is going to come in handy.

In the focal centre of the room was my desk, specially built to accommodate my human self. It was a large oak thing, in contrast to the white marble floor and walls, with green faux leather on top, and with a patina applied to give it an aged look. There were two faux leather pony style chairs in front of it for guests, and one larger one for myself behind the desk. Atop it was a desk lamp, a couple photos and some stationary. All my files were either locked up in nearby cabinets, or in my briefcase. Beyond that, there were a couple of paintings on the wall, including one very striking portrait of the two princesses. Finally, another door led out to my private washroom; perks of the job, you don’t have to use the public loos.

However, none of that was really important to me at the moment. I was more distracted by the fact that I had a visitor. A visitor I might add, who was presently reclining in my own chair, with his goat leg and lizard claws propped up on my desk.

“Discord! Get out of my chair!” I snapped irritably, standing on the threshold. He grinned and waved nonchalantly at me.

Discord is among other things, my best friend, but dear Celestia does he try my patience sometimes. He’s a draconequus, and the best description I can give you is a sort of serpent, with the head of a horse, with mismatched deer antlers, a lion’s paw on one arm and an eagle claw on the other, with a snake like tail trailing behind him, and then there’s the bird and dragon wings on his back. All in all, quite a peculiar sight.

He’s the only one of his kind, and with good reason, as he is the physical incarnation of the spirit of chaos and disharmony; a being of pure chaos. He has magic like the princesses or unicorns, only it’s a lot more powerful. With a snap of his talons, he can pretty much bend reality. He used to be a bit of a bad lad, having tried to take over Equestria, but thanks to Twilight and her friends and a brief stint of being turned to stone, he’s now reformed, more or less. He uses his magic for mostly good and tends to hang around the castle when I’m about, if nothing else, to alleviate his boredom.

Still, my office, my chair. The guy has his own pocket dimension for goodness sake. And it’s a bloody tax haven.

“Oh dear, somepony woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, didn’t they,” he replied, his red and yellow eyes fixing themselves on me. Still, he did get out of my chair. Snapping his talons, he briefly vanished in a flash of white light, reappearing by my desk a moment later.

“Discord, it’s Monday morning,” I said, now a little more understanding in my voice. Despite being older than Celestia, he can act like an eight year old at times. An eight year old with the powers of a near-god. “I’ve got a lot of work to catch up on, and I don’t have time to chitchat. Look, drop by around lunch and we can go see Tia.” Tia was the nickname Celestia permitted me and very few others to call her. Discord however, kept grinning.

“Actually, my dear boy, you don’t,” he replied. “Haven’t you heard the news?” I rolled my eyes.

“No Discord, I only just got off the train.”

“Oh, its so wonderful,” he exclaimed gleefully, taking wing and doing a brief loop in the air. “Cadence has finally had that adorable little foal, so Celestia and Luna have gone up to meet her.”

“Huh. Then I guess court must be closed for the day,” I said, walking in and setting my briefcase down. Then a thought occurred to me. “Hang on, you said she, how do you know?”

“Oh, I went up there a while ago,” Discord replied offhandedly. “She’s positively adorable and the chaos she’s going to cause. Poor Shining Armor was dead on his hooves when I got there. The poor boy hasn’t slept in days. Or shaved it seems.” Shining Armor was Princess Cadence’s husband and previously was the captain of the castle’s Royal Guard.

Walking behind my desk, I took a seat in my chair, after briefly pausing to remove the whoopee cushion that Discord had put under it.

“So I guess I do have a free day then,” I confessed. “It’s a shame I couldn’t see Tia before she left. Ah well, I’ll give her my congratulations when she comes back. But since I’ve got nothing else on the cards, I suppose I can indulge you for a bit, old man. How about a two man game of Mornington Crescent?”

Discord grinned at that. Snapping his talons, he produced a game board and all the necessary pieces for Lower Volga rules game. My day was going to be fairly long, with little to do, so it made sense to take some time with a good mate.

I’d first introduced the game of Mornington Crescent to Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, when Celestia had invited me to take lunch with her one day during court. The two sisters love to play games together to provide some relief from the banality of court. So I introduced them to the most interesting game I know. It’s all played out on a map of the London Underground. Each player starts at a station of their choice, provided that it doesn’t violate the Sardinia rule, and then attempts to reach Mornington Crescent whilst stopping or delaying their opponents. And that, in light of Rule 34A of the most recent rulebook, is all I can tell you. The wonderful thing about the game is that you have to figure out all the other rules on your own.

After a few weeks of play, both sisters had become quite skilled, and have managed to beat me on several occasions. And then Discord showed up. Perhaps unsurprisingly, he already knew the game off by heart, holding a Master level rating of Trout 67, far in advance of my own Bluebell 465. And from that day on, over lunch, the four of us would get together to have a game, except when Discord was busy having tea with Fluttershy, one of Twilight’s friends and the pony who helped reform him.

I’m also fairly sure he fancies her, but last time I mentioned it to him, he kicked off something proper and teleported a brass band to every room I went to and made them play as loud as they could.

Anyway, the two of us settled down for a nice, long, one on one game. You can have up thirty two players if you play tournament rules in teams, but for me, one on ones are more interesting. It’s all about skill, wits, animal cunning and oyster cards. Right now, I was on the defensive, and consequently winning. Discord was stuck at Bank due to a bad dice roll and not having The Knowledge, leaving him unable to hail a cab. Conversely, I was still a ways off from calling it a win, since I was all the way out on the Bakerloo line. We were both in a difficult position, each move that could advance us, also left us dangerously open to our opponent. And of course, as this was the fifth triangle round, simultaneous turns were now in force, meaning whoever had a move could make it, regardless of who had last punched a ticket.

The pair of us were staring at each other across the table, trying to figure out his opponent’s next move before the same happened to him.

“Come on, Discord,” I encouraged. “If you don’t do something soon, Parliament’s going to have risen and the lines will reverse.”

“I’m thinking, I’m thinking!” he replied earnestly. “Of course, it would be a great deal easier if you would just...” He didn’t get to finish that train of though, if you’ll pardon the pun.

Without knocking, somepony opened the door and came hurrying into my office. I was little irked by that. We might have been goofing off at the moment, but this was still a legal office. Everything I say is supposed to be private. Having somepony just walk in violates that privacy.

Looking up from the game, I saw that it was Buttercup. He’s one of the guards here in the castle, with the two of us being pretty good friends, as well as colleagues. He’s one of the guards posted inside the throne room, acting as a sort of bailiff during court proceedings. When Celestia needs me, as Equestria hasn’t yet cracked telephones or pagers, she sends Buttercup to fetch me. Still, he of all ponies knew to knock. I was about to chastise him when I saw the look on his face.

He looked worried. Not frightened, but concerned quite deeply about something. Whatever it was had to be important for him to barge in.

“Buttercup,” I greeted. “What brings you down here?” The guard swallowed before speaking.

“Begging your pardon, sir,” he said. “But something is happening in the Crystal Empire; some of sort of snowstorm seems to be encircling the city.” I got to my feet, the game now forgotten.

“What?” I exclaimed. “The Crystal Heart isn’t holding it back?”

“No sir.”

The Crystal Empire, the city state where Celestia and Luna had gone to visit their niece and her new daughter, was in the lands far to the north of Equestria. Surrounded by snow and storms so powerful even the pegasi couldn’t control them, it’s existence was possible only by the Crystal Heart; a magical artifacts that through the literal power of love projected a shield around the city state. At least, that was what it usually did.

“Has there been any word from the city, or the princesses?”

“Nothing sir,” Buttercup said gravely. “Nopony can get through the storm wall. It seems to have intensified since the incident began. Any pegasus trying to fly in risks getting their wings frozen off. The storm seems to be being held back from the city proper for now, but it seems to be pressing further and further towards the palace.”

Hell’s teeth. All four of the princesses were in there; Twilight, Luna, Cadence and Twilight. If something was going on, then they were all at risk. Worse still, we didn’t have any leaders to fall back on. After them, next in line was Shining Armor, who had gained royal title by virtue of marriage. But with him away the only pony left with any royal title...

Oh merde.

Blueblood.

Equestria was, technically, now under the direction of Prince Blueblood. A greater idiot there has never been. He’s a spoilt brat and sufficiently far down the line of succession that he’s never been prepared to take any kind of office. All he does is rub shoulders with the nobility and get a weekly stipend from Celestia to live off. He’s no leader. Hell, I wouldn’t trust him to run a bath, never mind the Realm of Equestria.

Well, we could deal with that later. Buttercup had obviously come here for a reason, and not just to tell me a massively inbred retard was now my boss.

“So what exactly is happening then?” I asked. Buttercup elaborated.

“Oh, you know,” he replied. “Just your usual constitutional crisis. The other nobles, Fancy Pants in particular, aren’t too keen on accepting Blueblood as temporary ruler.” Despite the situation, I let out a laugh.

“No, I suppose they’re not,” I agreed. “And you want me to find them a get out of jail free card.”

“If that means finding a way to put anypony except Blueblood on the throne for the time being, then yes.”

This was a bit of an unusual situation, I thought, as I leaned back in my chair. In all the other cases where the princesses were unable to discharge the duties of their office, neither was Blueblood. But on this occasion, he’d accidentally ended up as the last idiot standing. Now, legally, for me to take any action to undermine my lawful ruler was tantamount to high treason and punishable by exile. Personally though, I’d expect no prosecution due to jury nullification. And if matters were serious, we needed somepony else in charge. Getting out of my chair, I walked over to Discord.

“Well, legally, Blueblood is the next in line of succession,” I said gravely. “And he can rule as regent until one of the other princesses returns. As far as the law is concerned, he has every right to that chair. However, you could certainly make the argument that he’s incapable of holding office. The only trouble then is, who do we replace him with.”

Discord stuck up his lion paw to interject.

“No,” I said, cutting him off at the pass. The paw retreated and he folded his arms in a huff.

“How about the Captain of the Royal Guard?” Buttercup suggested. I shook my head.

“Bad idea. In addition to Mareclellan being an idiot, it’s never a good idea to mix the military and the political. The trouble is there’s no precedence here.”

“Why not you?” Discord offered. I turned to him in disbelief. “You have good relations with most of the nobles, Celestia trusts you, and I know for a fact you have her power of attorney. And unlike ponies, you’ve got no real interest in power. When this is all over, we know you’ll hand the reins back.” I smiled at my friend.

“You can’t be serious? I’m an advisor. I’ve got no real political experience, never mind leadership. You’re asking me to temporarily run the highest office in the land.”

“For another...” Discord glanced at a watch that magically appeared on his wrist. “Seven and a half minutes.”

“Why so short?” Discord shrugged.

“This whole mess started about ten minutes ago, give or take five minutes for the setup and recap, I’d say there’s about seven minutes or so left.” Buttercup and I just stared at him in bewilderment. Sometimes even I don’t understand the nonsense that comes out of his mouth.

“Then we might as well just wait for Celestia and Luna to come back,” I replied, sitting back down again.

And with that, my one vague chance at becoming a regent of Equestria went up in a puff of smoke.

Discord was right. Seven minutes later, on the dot no less, Celestia teleported into the throne room and order was quickly restored. Even Blueblood, dumb as he is couldn’t do too much damage in seven minutes. Still, I was glad to see her back in her rightful spot.

She explained the whole situation to us to calm everypony down. The storm was the result of the Crystal Heart being shattered. With it gone, the Empire lost its only defence against the winter storms. How did this happen you ask; well, that would be down to the new bundle of joy. To everypony’s surprise, Cadence’s foal was born an alicorn, complete with alicorn level magic surges (it’s a thing unicorn foals go through when they’re little, basically they can’t control their magic and it runs haywire for a bit, then goes dormant until they learn to control it). Her crying had shattered the heart. Luckily, Twilight, with the help of her ‘student’, that lunatic Starlight, and an old friend of hers, Sunburst, who now lived in the Empire, had been able to undo the damage, while Celestia and Luna used their more powerful magic to hold off the storms.

With the Crystal Heart restored and the storms subsiding, the princesses had returned to Canterlot. Twilight and the others had stayed on for a little while to meet the newly christened Flurry Heart under safer conditions, now that her surges were under control. It certainly made for an interesting story. I was just glad they were both back.

With things returning to normal and the nobles all packing up and going home, I took a moment to chat with my boss and friend as she relaxed on her throne.

“So, sounds like you had quite the adventure, Tia,” I offered, standing at the bottom of the dais. “I’m almost sorry I missed it.”

“I’m certainly glad that you were able to keep a lid on things while I was away,” the alicorn said with a smile. “We both know how the nobles can be.”

“It was a bit of a sticky situation though,” I replied. “Having Blueblood technically in charge. Another ten minutes and I think the nobles might have started fighting amongst themselves.” Celestia nodded in thought.

“Indeed. I hadn’t expected that paying a visit to my niece would throw the whole realm into chaos.”

“Well, the problem was that we had no clear plan on what to do,” I said with a shrug of my shoulders. “If we had somepony on hand who could actually lead, if Luna or Twilight had been here, there’d be no problem. But with all four of you in the same place, it threw the whole system into chaos. I was thinking about something the Americans did about this sort of problem; the Designated Survivor.”

“Oh, and what’s that?” Celestia asked, arching an eyebrow.

“Well, just as you have Luna to replace you, Cadence to replace Luna and so, the US government did the same thing. But when they have their big State of the Union address, the whole government is in one place, vulnerable to a decapitation strike. So they pick one guy to go somewhere out of the way. If anything happens, and everyone else is dead, he can still run the country.”

“And you think we can do the same?” I nodded.

“Sure,” I replied. “The issue is never having all four princesses together in the same place. That way, there’ll always be one of you to keep things running and fighting whatever threat we may face.” Celestia thought.

“How about Shining Armor?” she suggested. “As a prince he has a lawful claim on the throne, and he rarely visits Canterlot now that he’s left his position as captain of the Royal Guard.”

“Sounds like a reasonable choice,” I agreed after consideration. “Can we table it for the next session of court to make it official?”

“I’ll have it put into the docket,” Celestia promised. “But it will probably take a few months to put through.” I didn’t know it at the time, but that little incident would pay dividends later on, not on the next threat, but the greater one looming on the horizon.

And so the whole incident with Flurry Heart, the little foal who nearly destroyed a nation by accident, came to an end. I headed home that night with an interesting story to tell Margaret, but other than that, it had been a surprisingly normal day, all things considered.

When I got back and told her that Cadence had finally popped, she became adamant about going to see her. She and Cadence have met a few times through me at various functions and have become quite good friends. So I found myself sending off a letter to Celestia requesting a spot of leave, which I had a fair bit of to spare, and we booked a pair of return tickets to the Crystal Empire.

I’ve visited the city state once or twice before. While it is technically an independent nation, as it is ruled over by Princess Cadence, it is also a protectorate of Equestria; think of the relationship between Hong Kong and China. The city state (to describe it as an empire was quite an overstatement) pretty much relied on Equestria for most things and we have very close diplomatic ties. The ponies there though, are crystal ponies, essentially earth ponies that sparkle a bit; an effect brought on by the Crystal Heart.

The Crystal Empire is an absolutely stunning place to visit. Everything is pretty much made of crystal, from the roads in the city, right up to the impressive Crystal Palace (not to be confused with the venue for the British Empire Exhibition) and one of its main sources of income was tourism. As such I was glad of the opportunity to visit. I could meet Flurry Heart, visit Shining Armor, and possibly meet this Sunburst fellow who had helped repair the Crystal Heart.

The next morning, I heard back from Celestia, who was happy to give me a couple days off work. Court was still relatively quiet, and she could use Cadence’s new snowflake system to send a letter to me quickly if needed.

And so, Margaret and I packed a bag each and took the train up to the Frozen North. The train is the only reliable way of getting through the snow fields. The storms that surround the city are rarely safe enough to let an airship pass through. As we rattled along the line, more than once, we felt a slight jolt as the engine burst through a snowdrift that had formed on the line.

Eventually though, the snow began to thin out, and as we neared the city and the range of the Crystal Heart, the snowfields gave way to rolling grasslands and fertile plains. Before too long, the city itself came into view, perfectly pleasant in a magically created warm summer’s day.

As the train pulled into the station, the wife and I got out of our seats and prepared to hop down onto the platform. I happened to glance out of the window and saw a sight that caught me by surprise. Shining Armor was there on the platform, waiting for us. He and I might be good friends, but it was still nice to see the Prince of the Crystal Empire turn up to greet you personally. I wasn’t even expecting a guard or anything. Stepping down onto the platform, I greeted the former captain of the Royal Guard, now CO of the reconstituted Crystal Guard, as an old friend.

“Shining!” I called out, waving as we stepped down from the train. “Great to see you again, mate!”

Shining and I have been friends even since I started working for the princesses. Back then, as I said, he was in charge of the Royal Guard, so our paths crossed fairly often.

“How’s Cadence doing?” my wife asked as she joined us. Shining smiled.

“Well, now that Flurry Heart’s magic surges are under control, a lot better, thanks. It’s certainly been nice to get a good night sleep.” I laughed lightly at that.

“Yeah, Celestia told me you looked like death warmed up when she got here.” Apparently ,he was seriously sleep deprived and hadn’t shaved in a few days. I still can’t get the picture of Shining with stubble and five o’clock shadow out of my head. I mean, how can ponies even have beards?

“Oh, you don’t know the half of it,” Shining replied. “That last time I was that tired was in basic training. But we’ve got things under control now. Flurry’s a lot calmer, and we have Sunburst as the new Royal Crystaller to help out.” He began to lead us off toward the palace.

The Crystal Palace sort of reminded me of the Eiffel Tower in it’s design. Underneath the base was the Crystal Heart itself, suspended between two vertical columns of crystal and spinning steadily. It was here that we found Cadence, her new foal Flurry Heart and Sunburst.

Shining had told us on the way over how he used to be Starlight’s friend when they were kids. I’d thought that the name sounded familiar to me. Apparently the two had reconnected during the brief crisis. He was a lot like my own son, with a passion for magic, but not particularly powerful. I was surprised to hear that he had dropped out of Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns because of this. Still, what he lacked in power, he’d made up for in intellect, being able to both provide a means of repairing the heart and also stopping Flurry Heart’s surges. Shining showed us the hole the little tyke had made when she sneezed and her magic had activated. Apparently it would take months to repair the damage.

Shining and Cadence introduced us to him. He was quite the nice lad; a somewhat orange coloured unicorn with four creamy white ‘socks’ around his hooves and a similar streak along his face, making him look a little more like a horse back on Earth. I actually hadn’t seen that many who didn’t just have one predominant coat colour. He also wore clothing, a flowing dark blue cape, as well as a pair of round rimmed glasses that again reminded me of my boy. He also sported quite the impressive goatee, something I’d expect old Starswirl the Bearded would have had during his college days. Overall, he was a nice enough chap, if a touch nervous about his new position. From what I can make out, the Royal Crystaller is sort of like a godfather, charged with protecting the royal baby and teaching her. Quite the step up for a college dropout.

And then there was Flurry Heart. I have to admit, I’ve never been good with babies. To this day, the Cakes twins still terrify me with those unsettling dead eyes and ominous giggling. Flurry took that up to eleven. Large eyes that seemed to stare into your very soul, although at least they had pupils, made her just a little unsettling, particularly when you factor in the damage she did by accident. Still, she seemed to like me. As Margaret was cooing over her, as middle aged women tend to, the tiny alicorn levitated herself out of her pram and hovered directly in front of my face. She regarded me curiously for a moment before reaching out and poking me on the nose. Then she took to playing with the rest of my face. Luckily, amidst much giggling, Cadence was able to make her let go. Margaret still laughed though.

Aside from that though, she seemed a sweet little thing. I’m sure when she’s a few years older I’ll find it much easier to get along with. Kids I deal with just fine, it’s just babies that I can’t hack.

Still, at least she didn’t throw up on me like the last one did.

We stayed and chatted with the new parents in the palace for some time. I hadn’t seen Shining in an age, and Margaret hadn’t seen Cadence since the day the husband and wife came to Ponyville to tell Twilight that Cadence was in the family way, so it was nice to just catch up. Sunburst took charge of Flurry as we all talked. She certainly seemed to like him well enough, if her tugging on his beard was any indication.

We stayed the rest of the afternoon, heading back to the train station in the early evening. It was a fairly long trip back to Ponyville, and I didn’t fancy kipping in the overnight train when I had work tomorrow. So we bid the two parents farewell, with Mum inviting Cadence to come down and visit some time.

As we boarded the train, I couldn’t help but shake an odd feeling. I could feel somepony watching me. When you’ve lived the life I have, you develop a bit of an instinct and know when you’re being watched. I paused on the step up into the carriage and looked around, but there was nopony there. I shook my head, trying to shake the feeling. But even as Margaret and I went into the carriage, passing by several ponies who were also heading south to Equestria, and sat down in our seats, I still had this feeling.

Glancing out of the window, I looked to see if anything was amiss; movement on rooftops or balconies, figures lurking in dark corners, or the flash of reflected sunlight from an exposed telescopic sight. But there was nothing. And yet I couldn’t shake the feeling.

Frowning to myself, I settled down in my seat. Margaret would start badgering me if I kept up much longer. Maybe I’m just getting paranoid in my old age.

Then again, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Chapter 2 - New Friends in High Places

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Today was something of an important day for me. As Celestia’s legal advisor, I have quite a few jobs throughout the Equestrian justice system. One of those is taking part in parole board hearings, overseeing high level ones on behalf of the princess. Basically, anypony who’s gone inside for something serious needs to go through me. I was happy to say that today I was signing somepony off for parole; a prisoner I myself had put away. Her name was Beatrix Lulamoon.

The Great and Powerful Trixie needs no introduction.

She’d gone inside for her episode with the alicorn amulet; a rather dodgy dark magic artifact that was now safely under lock and key. Most of what she’d done, she’d not been prosecuted for, due to the amulet’s corrupting influence. However, she had done a minor sentence for the actual possession of the artifact. Today though, she was being released, and I am happy to report that the system appears to have worked.

When I first met her, she was rude, egotistical, and just a touch mad. In particular, she had a rather vindictive vendetta against one Twilight Sparkle, who she views as something of a rival. However, after just over twelve months inside, she had reformed rather well. For one thing, when I met up with her, she was referring to herself in the first person, rather than the third. Trixie this and Trixie that got rather tiring after the first five minutes.

Anyway, as there were clear signs of remorse and attempts at reformation, the board had no hesitation in letting her go free. I couldn’t guarantee how other ponies, particularly those in Ponyville, might react to her, but I was happy that she was no longer a threat to society. So I signed off on her release, asking to see her in my office before she departed from Canterlot.

She followed me into my office. She hadn’t yet picked up her trademark cape and hat, along with her other possessions, but she was still quite the familiar sight. She was a light blue unicorn (personally, I don’t see how magicians work in Equestria, since a third of the population can use actual magic instead of simple illusions), with a silvery mane and tail, and her cutie mark was a magic wand emblazoned over a crescent moon. She still had something of a haughty look about her, but she seemed to be cured of her serious inferiority complex.

Sitting down behind my desk, I invited Trixie (she loathes to be called Beatrix) to take a seat across from me.

“So, first of all, congratulations on your release, Trixie,” I said kindly “I’m glad to see that your brief stay has had an effect on you.” Trixie was unamused by that.

“I think I have enjoyed quite enough of your ‘charming’ hospitality,” she replied. Just because she’s reformed doesn’t mean she might not still hate me for putting her away in the first place. “And I’ll thank you to let me be on my way as soon as possible. I have a train to catch to Vanhoover tomorrow.”

“Oh?” I asked with a raised eyebrow. “What brings you to our most northerly city?” Trixie smiled and puffed out her chest as she explained.

“Trixie...er, that is I,” she said, catching herself. “Am planning to go on an official apology tour of Equestria to make up for my earlier misdeeds. I’m going to Vanhoover to start my tour, and from there travel all around Equestria, from Manhattan, Las Pegasus, and even that backwater berg Ponyville. Trixie shall make a comeback yet!” I had to restrain my laughter, but her goal was nonetheless admirable. In her own way, she was looking to make amends.

“Well then,” I said with a smile. “I might just drop by to see the show. What sort of feats shall you be performing, might I ask?” Again, the unicorn held her head up high.

“Trixie never reveals her act before a show,” she replied. “Suffice it to say that it shall be the greatest show in all Equestria.”

And with that, the showmare threw down a smoke bomb and, with a clatter of hooves and the sound of a door slamming shut, she ‘disappeared’. I meanwhile did my best to find my way to a window and clear out the smoke, which had already made me choke up. Throwing open the window, I did my best to get some air.

“Baby steps, Roger,” I said to myself. “Baby steps.”

Well, at least she no longer seemed to have an unyielding desire for revenge against Twilight or anypony else. If the worse she was going to do was perform a few parlour tricks and clever sleight of hand, or hoof, then who was I to stop her? From what I’d heard, she actually wasn’t half bad. As the smoke cleared, I heard the door open again as Buttercup walked in.

“Er...everything alright, sir?” he asked curiously looking around the still somewhat fogbound room. I turned round to face him.

“All fine and dandy, Buttercup,” I replied. “Just had a meeting with that Trixie gal, and she felt the need to leave with her trademark exit. I just hope it doesn’t set the smoke alarms off.” I glanced warily at the sprinklers that were only just visible in the ceiling.

“I never understood the point of all those magic tricks,” he said, shaking his head. “I mean, a skilled unicorn can do half of what she does with normal magic.” I smiled and walked over to him, stealthily fishing a bit out of my pocket.

“True, Buttercup,” I replied. “But she uses a different kind of magic; one we can’t fully understand. And it’s not just her. I dabble in that sort of thing myself.” The guard snorted.

“You can’t do magic any more than I can, Roger,” he said confidently. I smiled.

“Oh no?” I asked.

Producing the little gold coin, I held it up in his field of vision, before performing a nice, simple vanish trick, closing my hand on the coin and then opening it again to reveal nothing. Buttercup was suitably surprised. I humoured him by opening both my hands and let him check my sleeves, before reproducing the coin that had apparently lodged itself behind his ear. I grinned as I flicked the coin over to him.

“See, not just unicorns that can use a spot of magic.” Buttercup smiled.

“Hey, maybe next time Prince Blueblood gets in one of his moods you can make him disappear!”

“Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

With Trixie’s departure, I found myself returning to what usually consists of about 80% of my day; paperwork. I have cases to file, reports to complete, new judgments that have become case law to read up on, proposed changes to existing laws as well as new ones on the books, and then there’s just managing the steady flow of legal cases that flow through Day Court. I have to timetable everything so I can be on hand for Celestia if needed, as well as liaise with the CPS (that’s the Crown Prosecution Service) and their barristers. All in all, most of my job, contrary to what you might think, is sitting in my office, pouring over paperwork.

I was just reading up on an interesting judgement that had been handed down in Baltimare regarding the use of unicorn magic for entertainment purposes after 2AM, when the door to my office quietly clicked open. I didn’t look up, until I heard the faint clink of horseshoes on the marble tile floor. While all ponies have horseshoes in the true sense of the word, only one to my knowledge had crystal ones.

Glancing up, I beheld a dark blue alicorn, noticeably shorter than Celestia, who, excluding her horn, stood at an impressive six feet, but who was nonetheless a touch intimidating. A dark blue mane that sparkled like stardust and floated on a non-existent breeze, and piercing teal eyes told me that my other boss had come to pay call on me. This was Princess Luna, Celestia’s younger sister and Princess of the Night. Once Celestia set the sun, she raised the moon and ruled over Equestria in the darker hours. She might not be on duty right now, but the obsidian black crown atop her head gave her authority, and I quickly jumped to my feet.

“Princess Luna,” I greeted, offering a shallow bow.

The dark alicorn held my gaze for a moment. She was infamous throughout the castle for her intimidating presence. I had a good eight inches on her, but she still conveyed an aura of somepony it would pay to get along with.

Luckily for me, that is a persona she reserves for court, and when she wants to tease somepony by making them almost move their bowels. A moment later, the hard look vanished, replaced with a calm smile of somepony who is at peace with the world.

“Hello, Roger,” she said kindly, in a voice that I always thought sounded a little like one of Twilight’s friends. “I’m not disturbing you, am I?”

Now, technically yes, she was. But you don’t tell the mare who moves the moon to buzz off and come back in half an hour, now do you? I have no desire to be subjected to the Royal Canterlot Voice.

To be fair, I’m sure if I told her she was busy, she would simply come back in half an hour. But, eh, I’m not going to risk it.

“Not at all, your highness,” I said in a white lie. “How can I be of service?” Luna let out an adorable giggle.

“Really, Roger,” she chided. “You call my sister by a name that only I do, and you are still too frightened to simply call me Luna?” I smiled back.

“Sorry, Luna,” I replied. “Force of habit. What’s up?”

“I was perusing through the court listings, and I happened to notice that young Beatrix Lulamoon has been set at liberty.” I nodded. Luna did always have a more formal way of speaking. At least now she’s no longer using the royal we or speaking in an antiquated dialect.

“The parole board believes that she has reformed from her past mistakes, and I’m inclined to agree with them,” I replied. “Why? Do you think she ought to be detained further?” Luna shook her head.

“Not at all. In fact, I’m glad to see the young mare has turned over a new leaf. I was actually hoping to run into her.”

Ah yes, redemption is something very close to Luna’s heart, having overcome her own demons, and her guilt, not so long ago.

“Well, I must confess, I never pegged Trixie for a bad sort; just a young mare who got a little in over her head. I mean, God knows what that amulet thing does to ponies. What should have been just a petty rivalry somehow got turned into a serious criminal offence bordering on treason. But you just missed her I’m afraid. She’s heading down to Ponyville to kick-start her new apology tour.”

“Ah, I’m glad to see her detention has not stifled her love for the show,” Luna said with a smile. “With any luck, I may be able to catch a performance. I just hope that the ponies there will be accepting of her.”

“Well, ponies have always struck me as more forgiving types. After all, they forgave that nutjob, Starlight.” Luna scowled.

“Really Roger,” she said with the tone of a bored mother. “The mare has seen the error of her ways and now labours under the guidance of one of the foremost experts on friendship in all of Equestria. Can you not let bygones be bygones? You seem quite willing to forgive one mare who enslaved an entire town, why not this one?” I frowned to myself.

“Trixie served her time and took her punishment. Starlight got off scot free.”

Seeing that she was about to open a can of worms, Luna opted not to press on any further.

“Well, in any case. I hope young Beatrix does well in her new tour. I always have enjoyed the spectacle of illusion.”

And with that, the night alicorn took her leave, with me offering a brief bow as she departed. Starlight really is a bugbear of mine, undermining the whole justice system. Still, as Luna said, as long as she was with Twilight, she couldn’t get into any serious bother, right?

And so, the next week or so passed by uneventfully. In fact, I didn’t hear a peep about Trixie until a couple weeks later. Before then, my attention was taken up by another geopolitical paradigm shift. It all started when I was out near Whitetail Wood. On my days off, I occasionally like to take something of a constitutional through the woodlands. And while the Everfree is closer, I also have no desire to go in there without something to beat back timberwolves, manticores and whatever other beasties reside in there. I still can’t believe that, a few months down the line, Twilight and her friends would just go on an ad hoc camping trip in there. It’s like saying, I know, let’s go have a picnic in the middle of the Golan Heights. No, I’m sure we won’t need to worry about the landmines.

Anyway, back to the story. I was just coming out of the woods and heading back toward Ponyville. There were a couple of caves not too far away that were chock full of gems, the sort big enough to make Cecil Rhodes do a double take. Honestly, if we ever get back to Earth, I’m taking a bunch with me. I could put De Beers out of business. I knew Rarity would go up there every now and again if she wanted to use gems in her latest fashion line; gem hunting is actually something a talent on her part.

It was as I was making my way home that I saw her positively galloping along the path, just behind Spike, who was also going like a bat out of hell. Well, if a bat could waddle. But that wasn’t what caught my eye. What caught my eye was that he was glowing, literally, he was glowing with a vague white aura, somewhat like when a unicorn uses their magic. Whatever it was seemed to be having quite the effect on him. As he ran, he seemed to keep scratching at himself with his claws, and digging quite a way into his scales too.

Now, normally, you’d be surprised to see a pony chasing a glowing, itchy dragon. But this was Ponyville. All in all, I’d say it ranked somewhere around a four, maybe four and a half on the weirdness scale. I often caught brief moments of the little adventures Twilight and her friends went on, and this looked to be one of them. I just hoped that we didn’t see a repeat of what happened to Spike the last time anything like this happened.

This was before my time, but Bones, my son, told me about it. Apparently after getting a gift for his birthday, his innate dragon hoarding instinct kicked into overdrive, which eventually resulted in a growth spurt and a rip off of King Kong. That last thing I needed was another property damage case on my desk. Getting Rainbow sorted out after she ‘accidentally’ blew up half the weather factory trying stop winter was hard enough.

The two of them scampered past me, with neither of them paying me much mind, apart from Rarity calling out a brief ‘morning, darling’ as she cantered past. I’ve learnt that it’s usually not a good idea to stick your nose in these matters, and I had no doubt as to their destination. Spike would be heading to the castle to get Twilight to sort the problem out. I figured it was some dragon thing and left it at that, heading home for lunch.

A couple hours later, and I was in the kitchen, making a pot of tea. That’s the one thing I will say that’s annoying about living in Ponyville; you can’t get halfway decent tea leaves for toffee here. Luckily, there’s a nice place up in Canterlot that sells the stuff. But what I wouldn’t give for one more cup of PG Tips.

My wife was sitting down at the table, reading the paper that had arrived this morning. I’d already taken a gander at the politics section just to see if there was anything serious liable to spring up. There’s always some scandal or other going, I just make sure that the princesses don’t get pulled into it. Not that any newspaper would be stupid enough to try that. But my wife much prefers the more general topics, particularly those feel good, slow news day stories that tend to run on page twelve.

After letting the tea brew for four minutes, I fished it out of the pot and tossed it in the rubbish. Adding a dash of milk, I stirred it all together and took a cautious sip. Delicious, as always.

“Anything interesting?” I asked Margaret as I sat back down at the table and set down her own brew, along with the closest thing the ponies have to hobnobs. My wife looked up.

“Not too much,” she replied half-interestedly as she continued to browse through the lifestyle section. “I saw that piece on Speakeasy you were telling me about.”

Ah yes, Equestria’s answer to Al Capone. One of my pet projects has been to bring down the organisation that calls itself Cosa Nostra, and a few months back, I come pretty close to succeeding. I managed to turn one of their guys informant, and the local law had more than a few good raids, nabbing a lot of high profile bad guys. Now the boss and bosses was stewing in a cell awaiting trial. I have to admit, I’m rather proud of that.

“It’s certainly some good news,” I said with a smile. “But I’ll hold off celebrating until the jury comes back with a guilty verdict.”

“And to think you used to be a solicitor,” she replied with a grin.

“Hey, c’mon,” I said. “I only ever dealt with low level idiots that stole TV’s threw them over fences, and were then surprised when they smashed into a million pieces on the floor. I never defended any mobsters.”

“You’ve got to admit though,” she said, getting up to wash out her own mug.” That you took to this job like a duck to water.”

“Well, you always said I was selling myself short back at the firm with David and Brij,” I answered. To be honest, looking back on it, I sort of was. I might have been the senior partner, but the building we were based in was borderline condemned, and the two of them were both idiots who wouldn’t know good money management if it bit them in the arse. I much prefer solo practice.

“How have things been up in the castle anyway? Your best friend screw with anypony he isn’t supposed to.” I laughed as I got up to join her.

“No, Discord’s being a good boy. I honestly think he actually listens to Celestia from time to time.”

Our little conversation was suddenly interrupted when a flash of light in the sky caught my attention. Looking out of the kitchen window, I caught sight of a two ponies flying through the air at low altitude. It took me a moment to realise that the pair were alicorns; it was Celestia and Luna. The light was Celestia’s regalia reflecting the sunlight. I was surprised to see them stretching their wings like that. Usually the both of them had their own chariots to go about in. Whatever had brought them here must have been urgent for them to fly themselves. My thoughts turned back to Rarity and Spike. I’d told Margaret about the odd little incident, but this brought it back to mind.

“Hey, speaking of the old girl, there she goes now,” I said, gesturing out of the window as the pair flew overhead. My wife leaned down slightly to get a better view.

“Huh, I wonder what they’re here for.” I frowned to myself.

“I think I’ll go find out.”

Unfortunately, when you get to be in your mid-fifties, you find yourself no longer the spry young lad you once were. It took me about ten or fifteen minutes to cross the town to Twilight’s castle. Celestia and Luna probably took that long to fly all the way down from Canterlot. As a result, by the time I’d gotten there, the young alicorn, along with Spike had already departed, leaving Celestia and Luna in the castle’s main hall.

The front door was open, a fact my son has repeatedly warned Twilight about, much to her chagrin and I found the two princesses curiously regarding the castle’s signature feature; the map.

The large round table has a miniature three dimensional map of Equestria on it, showing the location of Twilight and her friends, as well as showing where the next friendship problem is cropping up. It’s a fascinating, but enigmatic piece of kit that I believe is very much alive. But we can get to that later.

Knocking on the door as I stepped in, the two princesses looked up and saw me.

“Hello there, Roger,” Celestia said kindly. “Are you looking for Twilight?”

“Sort of,” I replied with a shrug of my shoulders. “Margaret and I just saw the pair of you arrive. I figured I might pop my head in to see what’s going on. I figured that anything that brings the both of you down from Canterlot must be important.”

“It was young Spike who needed our aid,” Luna explained, still curiously regarding the map table, poking at it with a hoof. My mind went back to the odd scene from earlier.

“Oh yeah,” I replied. “I thought something might be up. What was with all that glowing anyway?”

“He has been summoned by the Dragon Lord,” Celestia said gravely. That made me sit up straight.

I’d never met, or even seen the Dragon Lord. And nor did I want to; not for all the bits in Equestria. The undisputed ruler of the dragons was someone even Celestia treated with caution. Living in the distant Dragon Lands, far from Equestria, the Dragon Lord, Torch, had kept a fragile peace, keeping his people from straying too far into Equestria. He didn’t just summon a baby dragon for no reason. Celestia explained.

“Torch has apparently decided that now is the time to step down,” she went on. “He’s summoned all dragons to take part in the Gauntlet of Fire. Whoever wins will become the next dragon lord.”

“Oh merde,” I muttered.

“In a word,” Celestia agreed. “It all depends on who claims the title. We may see another few centuries of peace, or we may be in for some trying times.”

“But why send Spike?” I asked. “The poor lad’s only a baby. His wings haven’t even grown in yet. He doesn’t have a hope in hell.”

“A summons from the Dragon Lord is not a choice, Roger,” Luna replied. “Twilight Sparkle has accompanied him to ensure his safety. At least we shall have some notion of which way the wind is blowing by the time they return.”

See, this is the thing about living in Equestria, and not being Twilight or one of her gal pals. This had the potential to seriously ruin my life for the next while, and there was sod all I could do about it.

“So what now then, Tia?” I asked. The alicorn shrugged in a very un-princess-like way.

“We wait,” she replied.

Of course, as I’m sure you all know, we didn’t end up at loggerheads with the dragons. And quite in contrary to my expectations, Spike actually acquitted himself quite well. Despite being something of a fish out of water with his own kind (dragons don’t exactly value friendship in the same way ponies do, or even humans for that matter) he was actually able to succeed. For about thirty seconds, Spike actually reigned as the undisputed Dragon Lord.

I actually ran into him a few days afterwards. Of course, I’d heard a condensed version from Celestia who had received her report from Twilight. The good news was we had a new, moderate Dragon Lord, who was actually rather open to the idea of embracing friendship and forming an actual alliance with Equestria. But it wasn’t Spike. He told me about the whole thing when our paths crossed at Sugarcube Corner. I was there to grab some stacks for the weekend, and he was stocking up for his Guys Night when he gets to spend some time with Big Mac; Applejack’s brother. As he walked in, I gave him a joking bow.

“Well, if it isn’t Spike,” I said with a grin. “Not only the saviour of the Crystal Empire, but a one-time lord of all dragons. What beings you here?”

“Hey, Roger,” the little dragon said. And I do mean little. Ponies on average are only about four to four and a half feet tall; he barely cracked three. “Just picking up some stacks for my OnO game with Big Mac tomorrow night.”

Ah yes, that was Equestria’s version of Dungeons and Dragons. Spike is a bit of a nerd. Like Shining, Twilight’s brother, he loves his comic books and fantasy games. And also like Shining, when the occasion calls for it, he can be quite the badass.

“So, I take it you heard about what happened in the Dragon Lands,” he said as we both waited for Pinkie Pie to complete our orders.

“Celestia told me about it,” I replied. “This Ember sounds like a nice girl. She’ll no doubt make a fine leader from what I’ve heard. I’m just glad that Garble character didn’t end up in charge.” Spike let out a laugh.

“Yeah, you and me both. I just wish I had a photo of the moment he admitted that I was the Dragon Lord. But I think Ember will be a better leader in the long run. Besides, if I was Dragon Lord, I’d have to leave Ponyville and all my friends.”

“Still, you’ve had a major impact on them,” I said. “You helping Ember realise the value of friendship and cooperation may finally put an end to their Hobbesian state of existence.” Spike looked puzzled.

“Er, their what?” he asked.

“Hobbes was a philosopher, Spike,” Pinkie replied, appearing seemingly out of thin air in front of us. I swear, she secretly must have the ability to teleport. That or I didn’t find all of her unlawfully constructed, and unmarked, tunnels running under Ponyville.

“He said that before humans developed civilised society, they lived in a state of nature where life was 'nasty, brutish, and short’. So to replace it, they created the social contract which governs human behaviour. They occasionally sacrifice their self-interest for the good of the group, so that others will do the same when they need help, allowing everypony and every human to live long, happy lives. Here’s your cupcakes, Roger.”

And with that, she disappeared again, leaving both of us stunned. Even after all this time. I’m still not used to Pinkie Pie’s antics.

“Er...what she said,” I added to the still perplexed Spike. “You’ve helped the dragons gain a better understanding of ponies, and helped them discover the whole magic of friendship deal, instead of just being jerks to each other all the time and hoarding everything.”

“So more like ponies then?” Spike asked, with a small undertone of annoyance in his voice.

“C’mon, lad” I said. “That’s not what I meant and you know it. After all, I’d say you’re a far more nobler dragon than any of them. You’re the model they ought to follow, not the other way around.” Spike now relaxed a little as we both made for the door with our bags of goodies.

“Sorry,” he said, as we stepped out into the warm afternoon sun. “It’s just that meeting other dragons is always a bit hard for me, because of how different I am from them. I’ve always had this idea of what a dragon should be, and every time I go to the Dragon Lands, I see just how wrong I was.”

“Why shouldn’t the dragons be a little more friendly to each other though?” I asked. “Being so isn’t going to make them turn into ponies. Cooperation is vital to the survival of most species in the world. A change like this could do them a world of good. And you were the dragon that set things in motion. Who knows, maybe one day, history will remember Spike the Dragon as the drake who first started the reforms that transformed dragon society.”

“You think so?” Spike asked. I nodded my head.

“Sure, anything’s possible, Spike. All it takes is one person to make a difference.”

With that, the pair of us parted ways. I still can’t believe that a dragon who’s barely a quarter my age has earned more titles that I have in whole life. Ponies do really underestimate him sometimes.

After Spike’s little adventure, things were quiet for a few weeks. Court kept me busy enough and I had a few interesting cases to deal with. As promised, Celestia had indeed put my idea of a designated survivor on the list, but with how backed up court was, the new throne room would probably be done before it got looked at.

One thing I did take notice of though, was Trixie. The newly freed unicorn was making tracks with her apology tour, having performed in Manehattan, Fillydelphia, and Baltimare. The reviews in the papers were more than glowing. For all her bluster, Trixie can back up her sometimes grandiose claims. As a magician, she is quite the gifted showmare, and I was glad to see that she was getting her life back on track. After all, the first few weeks after release are the hardest for most ex-cons.

However, her show was now coming to Ponyville, the scene of her unfortunate misdemeanour. Ponies, as we’ve seen with Starlight, can be remarkably forgiving. However, the opposite can also be true at times. Apparently, enslaving a whole village and screwing with ponies minds is something that can be treated like water under the bridge, but acting irrationally due to a dark magic amulet that actually drains your soul out is utterly beyond redemption. Sometimes ponies are more like humans than they care to admit.

To be fair though, Trixie didn’t have too much trouble when she and her new wagon arrived in Ponyville. Rather than being greeted with a volley of stones and horseshoes, the townsfolk, for the most part, just gave her the cold shoulder. Now, that might bother some ponies, but not one with as overinflated an ego as Trixie. She was determined to do her show, earn what bits she could and go on with her tour. I have to give her credit; it took guts to come back to the scene of the crime as it were.

In the end, there was so little reaction from the townsfolk, that I didn’t actually realise that she was in town until the posters started going up. Trixie appeared almost as if by magic, if you’ll excise the expression. I didn’t see her arrive, or where she’d set up her wagon. What I did know however, was that she’d made a friend. A friend who, if you ask me, was more than likely to land her back inside in ten seconds flat.

You see, Twilight has been working on her little psychotic pet project for the last few months now, trying to get her to embrace the magic of friendship, rather than just trying to fix everything with her horn. The two of them are actually remarkably alike, based on what my son told me about Twilight when she first arrived in Ponyville. But where Twilight was more of a bookworm who just enjoyed studying on her own and used magic to make her life easier, Starlight used her magic to fix every problem, regardless of the moral or statute laws that doing so violated. So, you can see why I might be a bit worried when she and Trixie crossed paths.

As it turned out, Twilight wasn’t too pleased either, and actually tried to forcibly separate the pair and get Starlight to pick someone else. Trixie, despite her reformation, still had a fierce rivalry with Twilight, and neither much liked the other. The pair ended up getting in a sort of tug of war over Starlight, which ended up with Starlight actually spurning them both.

Now, I believe that the last thing Starlight needs is isolation from others. That was how her...unusual ideas, first manifested after all, when Sunburst went off to Canterlot to study magic. Conversely, Trixie had just gotten out of jail for misuse of a dangerous magical artifact. You can see why I was rather glad when they fell out, as bad as that seems in hindsight.

As it turned out though, as I saw at Trixie’s magic show, the rocky road only strengthened their friendship with one another, united in the desire to rebel against Twilight Sparkle. In the end, Twilight decided Starlight having a friend that she didn’t much care for was better than having no friends at all. She apologised and what not for holding Starlight back and...well, you know where this is all going by now, surely.

I actually got to see Trixie’s performance at the second showing in Ponyville. I missed the first one as I was up in Canterlot. Apparently it nearly went a bit pair shaped for the young magician. She was performing one of the more dangerous feats of wonder, a trick created by Hoofdini himself. And yes, you read that name right. I swear, everything in Equestria is just something from back home with a vaguely pony related pun name.

Anyway, it was actually quite impressive. Trixie was shot from a cannon, flew over the audience and into the waiting maw of a vicious manticore; a creature that I’m happy to stay far away from, thank you very much. The beast then closed it’s jaws and seemed to swallow the unicorn whole, only for her to appear a moment later, none the worse for wear. Now, I could tell that it was just Starlight using her magic to teleport Trixie to safety, but the crowd was nonetheless impressed.

After the show, I sought Trixie out. She now had quite the few fans on her hooves; a far cry from the pariah she was but a few days before. Eventually, I managed to get to speak to her and Starlight, now christened as Trixie’s assistant.

“Well, very impressive, Trixie, I must say,” I said as I walked over to her caravan. “You certainly didn’t disappoint on your promise.” Trixie smiled at me.

“Trixie never disappoints an audience, Mr. Owen,” she replied cockily. “Her feats of magical might are always sufficient to wow even the most doubtful audience.”

“With a little help I see,” I replied, turning to Twilight’s pupil. “Hello, Starlight.” The pink unicorn wilted a little as I called her name.

“Oh...erm...hello, Mr. Owen,” she replied with a touch of meekness.

“Good to see that you’ve found a useful outlet for your magical talent,” I offered with a nod. “From what I understand teleporting yourself is tricky enough, teleporting somepony else even more so.”

“Oh, thank you,” she said, brightening up.

“Just don’t either of you go digging up any more magical artifacts alright?” I offered, in an effort to nice while still leaving a gentle reminder.

The two mares laughed with a little awkwardness as I took my leave. Trixie would be alright, and as long she didn’t cause Starlight to grow an ego as big as hers, so would her assistant. But as I’ve said before, I’ll be keeping a close eye on the pink unicorn for a good while yet.

And so, with the show a rousing success, Trixie eventually departed to continue her tour around Equestria. She was also planning to go and visit the Pie’s rock farm to make amends with Equestria’s version of the Amish. She and Starlight agreed to keep in touch by letter as pen pals until Trixie’s travels brought her back Ponyville way. Twilight too was relatively pleased with the way things had gone. While Starlight’s friend might not be what she had in mind, she had still made her first friend.

Her introduction to Celestia however, didn’t go so well. Tia told me about the fiasco a few days later over lunch. Twilight was meant to introduce Starlight’s new friend to her to show just how far Starlight had come from the the insane equality obsessed madmare that had screwed with time and space to get revenge on Twilight. But as all three of them had been pulled away from the castle for Trixie’s show, poor Celestia had been left alone with Cranky Doodle, the most bitter, miserable old git in all Equestria.

She still hasn’t told me how she gets her mane to float like that either.

Chapter 3 - Curry Night

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“This is the third time this has happened,” I commented wearily, rubbing my eyes in an effort to stay awake, despite the late hour. “Honestly, how many prescriptions was he writing? There’s enough here to leave an elephant stoned for a month!”

“Tell me about it,” my colleague replied. “The last time he got busted, they found what, a dozen or so bottles? The last count when they searched his place was nearly fifty.” I glanced over the paperwork and reports.

“Seriously, Wrought,” I said. “We need to create a pony version of the DEA or something. You and me can’t just deal with every major case that comes up on our own. You need infrastructure to deal with this sort of thing, not a pony and a human in one office, who both have other jobs to do besides.”

“The princess said it herself; there’s not going to be any more funding for stuff like this until there’s a greater need.” Sighing, I leaned back in my chair and looked out of the window. It was late evening already. I probably wouldn’t be home until after midnight.

Let me give you a little bit of background. Major crimes aren’t that common in Equestria. Murder, serious violence, drugs, and so on, are so rare that when a case does come up, it automatically gets kicked right up to the top of the food chain. That meant each case had to be tried by one of the princesses, or Shining at a push, and I had to be able to advise them. Effectively, I was doing the job of the CPS, CID and local law enforcement. It was a heavy workload when a major case did hit.

Still, at least I wasn’t suffering alone. Sitting across from me was Wrought Steel, one of the best prosecutors in the CPS; equivalent I suppose to a district attorney, though I can’t be certain, since I never studied the American legal system all that much. He was a slate grey unicorn, just getting toward middle age, with a jet black mane and piercing blue eyes. His cutie mark was that of a balanced scale, reflecting his profession as a prosecutor. He’s certainly gifted at his job. When it comes to cross examination, he has no equal and has helped me rescue cases I thought hopeless.

So, you can understand why I felt a little sorry for him, since he was now stuck helping me with our current case. It also hit a little close to home too.

The case was against a local doctor at Ponyville General Hospital, one Dr. Horse M.D. Yes, I know, puns. Anyway, like his human counterpart, he was a very skilled doctor, if a little irritable and rude to his patients. He usually got the job done. He’d helped my wife a few years ago after her mini stroke, or at least, we thought it was a mini stroke, turned out there was just some debris floating inside her eye which dissolved. The whole NHS had been stumped by that, he’d figured it out in about twenty minutes.

Anyway, also like his human counterpart, he had a bit of a drug problem, although his self-prescribed poison was ketamine as opposed to vicodin. He’d been a functioning addict for years. And let’s be honest, with some of the nonsense that comes through Ponyville General’s doors, I’m surprised that Nurse Redheart isn’t as bad. But every now and again he over medicates as it were, prescribing himself enough to be noticed by oversight. This time, he’d managed to land himself in hot water due to treating Mareclellan in his clinic and mocking the supposed captain of the Royal Guard. Mareclellan had begun nosing around and soon found enough to start an investigation.

And so, here were Wrought Steel and I, pouring over the evidence reports in preparation for the legal case next week. I didn’t mind bringing the case before Celestia; Horse really had gone too far this time, having so much ketamine in his stash. But instead of just doing him for that, Mareclellan was going for a trafficking charge. Horse is many things, but he doesn’t know to share his drugs. Long story short, this case would drag out for an age, making my life deeply unpleasant for the foreseeable future; long hours, working late, and not seeing Margaret as often as I wanted.

As I turned to the next set of evidence reports and statements, my stomach let out an audible rumble. Usually, I was home by now and having dinner with the memsahib. As it stood, I hadn’t had anything to eat apart from biscuits and the odd sandwich since lunch. I now felt noticeably hungry.

“Sorry,” I said, as the embarrassing noise stopped. Wrought chuckled.

“Heh, no worries, Roger,” he replied. “Although, it is getting pretty late. What is it now, eight thirty? How about we go get some dinner in the city and take a break from all this horseapples.”

Another good thing about working for Celestia. As long as you do your job and clock in and out on time, she doesn’t mind too much if you take the odd break. I’m a government minister after all. I’m not exactly tied to the nine to five with a thirty minute break at lunch.

“Sure, sounds like a plan,” I said, setting aside the files, before gathering them up and locking them in my desk for safe keeping.

“So, any place you want to try?” Wrought asked as I got to my feet and tucked my chair in.

“Dealer’s choice,” I replied with a shrug.

To be honest though, our choices would probably be a little limited. Canterlot has a reputation for fine dining, and most of its restaurants aren’t the kind of places you could just rock up at and have a meal. Reservations on some places went back months, or even years. Only the lower end restaurants permitted the idea of ad-hoc dining. Although, come to think of it, I could really go for a chip butty in a greasy spoon right about now.

Wrought Steel though, had a better idea.

“Well, there’s this new place I came across the other week,” he said carefully as he threw his jacket on over his shirt (ponies in Canterlot typically wear clothes as a rule, unlike in other towns). “It’s not exactly high end, but the food was nice enough. It’s called the Tasty Treat.”

“Oh? What’s the menu like there?” I asked. Canterlot cuisine, while expensive as all hell, had an unfortunate tendency to be rather bland and boring, and that’s coming from someone who grew up on British cuisine, which is hardly famed for its variety.

“Curries mostly,” Wrought replied. “I had lunch there a couple weeks or so ago and they did a really nice vegetable korma.”

Wuss, I thought to myself. Then again, as I said, ponies up here don’t exactly push the boat out when it comes to food. Still, a curry house sounded like a nice change of pace. I haven’t had a good Indian for ages; not since I wound up in Equestria. I could really go for something spicy like a vindaloo, with a pint of lager, some pilau rice and a sweet peshwari naan bread, with maybe a couple poppadoms and chutneys.

“Now that sounds like a plan,” I replied. “Lead the way then, Wrought.”

Leaving the castle, passing Duck and Cover, two of the sentries on our way out, we headed down in to the city proper. It’s actually quite the descent down the hill. Canterlot is build sort of like an old Norman fort, if you stuck on a mountainside. The city is on a level below the castle, with only a few points of access to the castle itself, making it easier to defend against a ground assault. Now if only our enemies didn’t fly or have access to airships.

Anyway, heading down the hill, we wound our way through the main thoroughfare, passing all sorts of shops, now closed for the night, including Rarity’s Canterlot branch. Margaret had gone there with friends a few weeks back to get some new threads, since Rarity is her sort of personal designer. She and I can’t exactly buy off the peg in Equestria. My own tailor was also up here, down one of the narrow side streets. Old Elusive has stood me in good stead with fine suits these past couple of years.

While the city was quiet this late in the evening, plenty of ponies were still out and about. There were a good few bars and clubs open, including that new place Vinyl Scratch has been playing at for a couple weeks. How do I know you ask, because I could hear her practising in her house a good half mile away.

As we continued on our way though, the bustle of the city fell away and we wound our way through what you might call the restaurant district of the city. The many restaurants were still open, but full to the brim. Each one, which all looked eerily similar to one another, had a small three horseshoe sigh displayed prominently out front. This was Equestria’s answer to the Michelin stars. Without those three horseshoes, life in this city was very difficult for a restaurateur. Problem was, it was all handled by one pony; Zesty Gourmand. Despite looking like some unsettling pony-alien hybrid, her authority on fine dining is absolute. The upshot is, you end up with cookie cutter restaurants that are all the same.

“It’s just up this way, Roger,” Wrought said to me as we continued on. “It’s a bit out of the way, but still quite nice. Although I should warn you that it doesn’t have a three horseshoe rating.” Thank Celestia for that. At least now I knew the portions would be more than a mouthful.

“Never hurts to try something new, Wrought,” I replied. “And I don’t care what that Gourmand mare says, every place she’s recommended has always been terrible to me; bland and tasteless; antiseptic, and that’s just the atmosphere.”

“Come on, Roger,” Wrought replied. “She’s a well-respected food critic. I’m pretty sure she knows what she’s talking about.”

Luckily, before we could start bickering, the Tasty Treat came into view. I smelt it before I saw it actually, picking up the aromatic scent of curry on the air. Memories of drunken Friday nights with friends came to mind. The building itself was fairly unremarkable, tucked away in a small corner on its own. Not exactly easy to come across unless you knew where you were going. Still, the lights were on and the sign said open, so we went inside.

The interior was in stark contrast to the bland, hospital-like designs of other restaurants in the the city. It was a little dark perhaps, but the decorating was beautiful, with splashes of colour and beautiful designs all over the place. It felt like a unique place to be in, not just another cookie cutter copy and paste. The smell of curry was even stronger in here too, and the place was warmed by the heat of the kitchen.

We stood in the entrance way for a moment. The place seemed almost entirely empty. If it hadn’t been for the sign out front, I might have thought place had closed for the night, and we had accidentally committed a faux pas by wandering in. After a few moments though, I heard a couple of voices in the kitchen, and shortly thereafter, a young unicorn mare stepped out.

She had an orange coat with a deep purple mane and tail that was done in a style reminiscent of Pinkie Pie. A gold coloured headband held her mane out of her eyes, and a gold ring earring hung from each ear. As was often the case in Canterlot, she was dressed, wearing a light cream coloured blouse with a red bandana around her neck. For a moment she seemed surprised by our presence, before recovering herself.

“Good evening,” she said in a somewhat marked Indian accent. “And welcome to the Tasty Treat. My name is Saffron Masala. Allow me to see you to your table.”

Saffron led the two us to a pleasant enough booth towards the rear of the restaurant, away from the draught of the front door. She provided each of us with a menu and ran us through the specials on offer. As far as waitresses go, she was polite, professional, and friendly; everything you’d expect from a server. Having chatted on the way over, we both had a rough idea of what we wanted, and the young mare was able to help us select something suitable for our dinner. After taking our order, she retreated to the kitchen and passed our orders through to the cook.

“Well, this is a nice little place, isn’t it, Wrought,” I commented as we both settled in to wait for our meals. “I’ll have to bring Margaret up here sometime.”

“Really?” Wrought asked, with some surprise clear in his voice. “You’re not going to take her somewhere with a three horseshoe rating?” I sighed to myself.

“Okay, first of all, rude,” I said, gesturing in the direction Saffron had gone. “Secondly, I wouldn’t take her to one of those places if you paid me. I’m not paying three hundred bits in advance to get barely fifty calories of bland mush. Besides, we’ve always loved Indian food.”

“Indian?” Wrought asked, the word sounding foreign coming from him.

We were in Equestria after all, there was no such place as India. I later learned that Saffron and her father were both immigrants from Bomhay. Since it was a safer topic than that stupid three horseshoe malarkey, I decided to tell him a little bit about what had once been the jewel in the crown of the British Empire.

I actually had something of a connection to the country you see. I did one of those ancestry things several years ago back on Earth. I knew that my family was ancestrally Irish and could trace loyalist routes back to the time of the Easter Rising and the original UVF, with a couple of older relatives being members of the Orange Order and having been present at the Siege of Londonderry. But outside of Ireland, I had family who had gone further abroad.

In the aftermath of the Irish rebellion in the 1790’s, when plenty of United Irishmen had buggered off to the United States, a few of my family also left to seek out greener pastures. One of them, Albert Rowain, had decided to go into soldiering and had joined the army of the famed East India Company in the 1820’s, which at that point in history, ruled over a vast chunk of India on behalf of Britain.

Travelling to the subcontinent by merchant ship, he was posted initially to Calcutta, but as he rose through the ranks, eventually becoming a lieutenant and later a captain by his early forties, he was moved to Delhi. And it was here, in 1857, that he found himself when the Mutiny broke out. He survived that siege by the sepoys and held on with his men until relief arrived and the violent rebellion was put down. After the company was effectively dissolved and the British ruled directly, he found himself transferred to the newly created Indian army, serving alongside the British army in India. Ultimately, he would die there at the age of seventy nine, having had a long and illustrious career.

Of course, you couldn’t exactly boast about it back home. British rule, and the Empire as a whole, was something we were supposed to be ashamed of. I never understood that to be honest. Sure there were dark moments, Ireland being one of them (I may be a loyalist, but I still agree that the British response to the 1916 rising was an overreaction, considering all they did was take over a post office) but as a whole I always saw it as a force for good. After all, that same empire stood up to Napoleon, the Kaiser, and even Hitler. And you only have to look at some of the former colonies to see the effects of imperial withdrawal. India is a prime example of independence being the most unkindest cut of all.

But I ramble. I actually ended up doing that with Wrought Steel as we enjoyed our dinner. He was actually more curious than anything. We discussed the East India Company, the Mutiny, Partition, which created independent India, West Pakistan and East Pakistan, the Bangladeshi War of Independence, which saw East Pakistan become Bangladesh and released it from West Pakistani control, and the continuing dispute over Kashmir. It is an amazing history, regardless of one’s moral scruples. We even talked about a few famous figures, like Captain Sir Richard Francis Burton and his own adventures on the subcontinent, some of which you’d have thought a fiction if there were no historical records to prove that it happened.

At the conclusion of the meal, which I must confess was one of the best I’d had in a good long while, Wrought Steel was not only better clued up on India, but had also come around to my way of thinking about the Tasty Treat. This place didn’t deserve to sit empty, it ought to be booked decades in advance with how good the food was. And yet without that stupid horseshoe nonsense, it was struggling to survive.

As the two of us relaxed over a pint of lager, something I am eternally grateful for, since you can’t have a proper curry with a beer to go with it, we talked about how we might be able to help get this place on the map. All we really needed was a big endorsement, and while she might have pull in this city, I had no plans to go to Zesty Gourmand, for she would no doubt say the food didn’t meet her standards and only hasten the restaurant’s demise. There was one other pony that I knew though, who might be able to help. While his restaurant had three horseshoes, it was still a pretty decent place to eat, also being one of the few places in Canterlot where you could get a decent beef wellington.

In the end, I did manage to make it home before midnight. I got in a eleven forty five and managed to get into bed without waking my wife up. Only Charlie was still up, patiently waiting for me. He might be a disguised changeling, and not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, but he was properly loyal. I made a fuss of him as I walked into the kitchen, before heading upstairs for bed.

I had a bit of free time the following morning, letting me spend breakfast at least with Margaret. I told her what I’d been up to the previous night, within reason of course, and told her about my dinner at the Tasty Treat. To my surprise, I found that she already knew of that place, having been one of the first customers. Remember when I said that she’d gone on a shopping trip to Canterlot a while back? Well apparently, she, her friend Milano and my daughter had gone there for lunch. It had been just as quiet as when I’d visited, and she seemed genuinely surprised that the place was still open. So I took the opportunity to explain my plan to put the place on the map.

And speaking of maps, another map had taken an interest in the Tasty Treat, and was already making its own plans on how to rectify the friendship problem it had discovered. Unbeknownst to me, while I was off doing my own thing, Rarity and Pinkie Pie would also be playing their part to help the Tasty Treat thrive.

Leaving the house the next morning, I set off to work as per usual. I still had some work to finish up, and while I did want to get my plan going, I couldn’t just go around forsaking my duties, now could I? Like it or not, Day court still went on, and Celestia needed my help in dealing with a rather tricky maritime case. That kept me tied up until lunch, when I put my plan into action.

Leaving the castle, I headed into the city and once again into the restaurant district as it were. The place I was headed was one of the most famous, and occasionally infamous, restaurants in Canterlot. Reservations were booked over a year in advance, and the place was filled to capacity every night. Why you ask? Because the owner and head chef was amongst the most respected and talented in his field. He could also be a little...shouty at times, but that was by the by.

I’d eaten here a few times, including a couple of important receptions and political events. Not every banquet is left up to the castle kitchens. In particular, this place catered to griffons and other meat eaters, which was decidedly unpalatable to most ponies.

Arriving, I found the place open, but relatively quiet, as lunch was not yet upon us. The sign out front read Tartarus’ Kitchen. Any guesses on who I was going see? Well, let me give you one more hint. Here’s what I heard from the kitchen as I walked into the restaurant and said hello to the maître ‘D.

“Listen! Listen! Listen! Listen!” he bellowed, pointing at his unfortunate underlings. “Buck off! Buck off! Buck off! Buck off! Get out!”The chefs all quickly began to file out of the kitchen, lest they receive another verbal tirade.

The pony doing the shouting and swearing was a tan coated stallion with a blond mane, dressed in a white chef’s coat. His cutie mark was a fireball, perhaps suggesting his temper. He certainly looked furious enough, and that was ignoring the horn on his head that was sparking and spluttering furiously.

“Idiots!” he exclaimed in disgust, kicking at a rubbish bin. It was with the harbinger of things to come, that I was led up to the hot plate.

“Excuse me, chef,” the maître D’ said nervously as I hung back.

“Oh buck off, JP, will you?” the chef said I annoyance. “I’m working service with a half a kitchen here.”

The kitchen was a little unusual. Split into two separate sections, but sharing the same hot plate. On one side, which was now vacant, the decor was all red in colour, while the other side, which still had some very nervous cooks left in it, was blue. Also, the remaining cooks all seemed to be mares, and the ones that had just left all stallions. The maître D’, undeterred by this latest outburst, pushed on.

“Oui, chef,” he said hurriedly. “But Monsieur Owen is here from the castle to see you.” That got his attention.

Looking up from his work, at that point a rather nice mushroom risotto, he spotted me and seemed to relax a little.

“Roger!” he said brightly, “Good to see you. What brings you here?” It was a stark contrast to the raving lunatic from a moment ago.

“Sorry to both you, Chef Ramshay,” I said kindly. “I’m here about the Tasty Treat; that new place off Crown Street.” For a moment, he looked puzzled.

“The what now?” he asked, now briefly distracted from his work.

“It’s a new restaurant, opened up about three months ago. I had dinner there last night. Food’s brilliant, but the place is really struggling. Zesty Gourmand snubbed it and denied it three horseshoes.” Ramshay rolled his eyes.

“Ah yes, no horseshoes, no customers,” he said bitterly.

“I was thinking though,” I replied with a knowing grin. “That if a certain influential chef visited the establishment and gave it a rousing endorsement, ponies might be inclined to change their minds, horseshoes or no.”

Ramshay thought for a few moments before eventually coming to a decision.

“Alright,” he said with a nod. “I’ll help out and come take a look at the place. But it’ll have to wait a bit. I’ve still got to get through service with these bucking donkeys.”

“Hey, I find that offensive!” an actual donkey called out from the blue kitchen. Ramshay rounded on her.

“Oh shut your mouth you stupid bitch, and cook your bucking order!”

With that, I left him to it. He’s not actually a jackass. He’s just really passionate about food, and has no time for professionals who can’t meet his standards. That and, to be fair, some of his staff do seem to push his sanity to the breaking point, as I found out as I was leaving. I heard him trot over to one of the stations in the still working blue kitchen, where by the smell of things, one of the cooks had overdone the scallops.

“Hey, Sweet Tooth!” he snapped. “If you sauté scallops in a non-stick pan, they won’t stick. That’s why it’s called bucking non-stick!” The other cooks groaned as they set to work redoing all of their dishes to get the timing right. I just had to restrain myself from laughing.

“I don’t know what non-stick means in Mustangia, sweetheart, but buck me!”

I failed.

While I was busy visiting Tartarus’s Kitchen, elsewhere on Restaurant Row, Rarity and Pinkie Pie were busy with their friendship mission to the Tasty Treat. Having seen the place languishing in obscurity, the pair, like me, had planned to help it get more ponies through the door. However, their plan was to convince Zesty Gourmand, the old battleaxe herself, to give the place a three horseshoe rating.

The problem though, was that each of them had differing views on how to do this. While Pinkie tried to tempt new customers in with the uniqueness of the restaurant (which only managed to net one tourist from Whinnyapolis), Rarity set to work completely revamping the place, bringing it into line with the acceptable decor and menu of Restaurant Row. While they managed to convince Gourmand to give the place a shot, when they both met up that evening for her visit, they clashed over their differing ideas. That resulted in Zesty storming out and pretty much blacklisting the restaurant.

Luckily though, all was not lost. The pair eventually managed to reconcile and came to the conclusion I’d been spouting for months. A pony who looks like she’s the result of a SMILE experiment that went wrong should not dictate the culinary tastes of Canterlot. Nopony should. We should choose where we take our business based on our own opinions, not what we’re told by some bigwig.

And so they organised a grand re-opening night for the restaurant. Coincidentally, this was the same night Chef Ramshay had agreed to drop by to try the place himself. It certainly helped boost the numbers when word got out that he would be attending the re-opening. I decided to throw my own hat in the ring too. An important government minister is always good publicity, never mind a direct advisor to the princesses. To add the icing on the cake, I convinced Margaret to try the place as well. I like to take her out to dinner every now and again, and while I have no qualms with the lovely bistro in Ponyville, it is nice to go out somewhere a little more upmarket from time to time.

And so, the night of the grand re-opening arrived. The Tasty Treat was absolutely full to bursting by the time we arrived. Rarity’s PR campaign seemed to have worked wonders. Heading inside, with my wife on my arm, I was glad to see that the decor had been changed back to its original form, and not the cold and clinical look of many other places on Restaurant Row.

A slightly nervous Saffron greeted us and showed us to our table, while her father busily worked to fill orders in the kitchen. Hopefully, once this place took off, they would be able to hire more staff. We decided to take it a little easier this evening, sharing a tika massala along with a korma. Margaret doesn’t exactly push the boat out when it comes to spiciness. We also got a couple sweet peshwari naan along with a few side dishes. Margaret greatly enjoyed everything, telling me about her previous experience here with Lizzie.

“Seriously,” I said as we both ate. “I can’t believe you never told me about this place.”

“Well, you never asked,” she replied with a wink.

My attention was also on one the tables nearby, where Ramshay, who’d arrived not long after us, was now waiting for his own dinner. I’d told Saffron about him when we arrived. While Zesty might not be willing to give the place a chance, he most certainly was. He was making notes and muttering to himself as he examined the restaurant.

A few moments later, Saffron brought out his dish, a plate of tasty looking aloo gobi. He certainly looked impressed by the sight.

“Wow, wow, wow,” he said with no small amount of amazement. “That looks absolutely amazing.”

“Here’s your aloo gobi, chef,” Saffron said as she set the plate down in front of him. Ramshay quickly began to analyse.

“Well, the presentation, first of all; that looks so damn appetising. And the aroma is just beautiful, the garlic, ginger and turmeric not quite overwhelming the potatoes and cauliflower. I certainly feel like I’ve gone to Bomhay. Now, let’s see how it tastes.”

Activating his magic, he picked up a fork and took a mouthful of the dish, with Saffron nervously waiting for his verdict. He didn’t take long.

“It’s delicious!” he declared.

“Thank you, chef,” Saffron said, relaxing a little as he continued to extol the dish’s virtues.

“The temperature and the seasoning are perfect. That spice really opens up the senses; a nice hot, dry flash of flavour. And the potatoes and cauliflower are just cooked beautifully. That has to be one of the best dishes I’ve eaten outside of Bomhay, and certainly a damn sight better than some of the crap they serve on Restaurant Row.”

Suitably pleased with his review, Saffron hurried back to the kitchen to tell her father the news. I leaned over to speak to the chef myself.

“See, told you it was good,” I said to him, catching his attention.

“You were right,” he agreed, still tucking into his meal. “Finally, some good bucking food.”

With that, the dinner went smoothly, as did the reopening night. Customers filled the Tasty Treat to capacity, and the place made more money in one night than it had in the entire time since it first opened its doors. Horseshoes or not, ponies were talking about this place as somewhere to go for a good meal out.

The only slight bump in the road, was when the xenomorph herself, Zesty Gourmand, dropped in to visit. Having twice snubbed the restaurant as not meeting her exacting standards, she was appalled to see the place doing well. Rarity initially tried to be diplomatic, making the fatal mistake of thinking that Zesty might respond to logical reasoning and rational thought.

After Zesty described Rarity’s skills when it came to fashion as ‘adequate’, a fact we’ve all had to keep from Spike to prevent violent retribution involving flame breath, she insisted that the assembled crowd knew nothing about fine dining and only her opinion mattered. That kind of got ponies to think for a change, and they realised that every restaurant they’d eaten in for the last year or so had been the same repetitive, bland rubbish.

In the end, seeing her criticisms falling on deaf ears, Zesty stormed off, her credibility as a food critic thoroughly knackered. The re-opening night soon morphed, courtesy of Pinkie Pie, into more of a party and we all had a great evening.

A couple of days later, I was sitting down to lunch with Celestia and Luna. While she may be my boss when court is in session, outside of that, Tia and I are quite good friends, and she enjoys having someone other than her sister to share meals with, particularly as Luna is somewhat nocturnal. At least, she has to stay up a good chunk of the night. It means she’s not exactly the most chipper of ponies at breakfast or lunch. Of late though, they do seem to have been getting on each others nerves, or at least more than usual, they are sisters after all.

Anyway, the three of us were sitting down to lunch. We’d have some tea and probably finish up our current game of Mornington Crescent. The current game had been going on for nearly a fortnight now (for some strange reason, Discord started doing a dance he called ‘flossing’ when he realised the game had been going two weeks) and was looking to be one of the most exciting for some time.

As a maid topped up my cup of tea, I took a glance in the local rag, turning to the reviews section. It wasn’t hard before I found rave reviews about the Tasty Treat, along with one scathing review of both the establishment and other reviewers by Zesty. It was kind of sad really; the mare couldn’t take the idea that ponies could like something she didn’t like.

Luckily, it had no effect on the restaurant’s success. The place has thrived since and become one of the most highly regarded restaurants in the city. It also acted as the catalyst for a more long term change. With Zesty’s departure from the world of fine dining, the three horseshoe rating lost its value somewhat, as restaurateurs and customers alike began to see the need for variety. Before too long, Restaurant Row was no longer a street of copy and paste restaurants, but a cavalcade of all sorts of cuisines, decors, styles and atmospheres. There was everything from traditional Prench restaurants, to Griffon steak houses, pegasi sushi bars, and even a traditional Trottingham pub.

It was also nice as it encouraged ponies to get out there and try new things. Much to Celestia’s sorrow, ponies at times can be a touch xenophobic of other cultures. Once they’re pushed to try something new, they’ll usually embrace it though without problem, their famous tolerance coming to the fore.

It’s like that Pixar movie put it. There are times when a critic truly risks something, and that is in the discovery and defence of the new. The world is often unkind to new talent, new creations. The new needs friends. I like to think of this as my own spin on that wonderful Equestrian notion, that friendship is magic.

Chapter 4 - Applewood Derby

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“The Apple what?” I asked my wife curiously.

“The Applewood Derby, dear,” she repeated as she took off her coat in the hallway. “Cheerilee and I are letting the kids take part this year now that they’re old enough to be safe.”

It was early on a Friday afternoon. In light of how busy I’d been over the past few days with Dr. Horse’s hearing, which had resulted in him ultimately not being prosecuted after it came to light that all of Captain Mareclellan’s claims were grossly inflated, Celestia had given me a bit of time off from my work, allowing me to take a half day today in addition to my usual weekend off. Margaret had just come home from the schoolhouse, where she works as one of the two teachers for the small class of fillies and colts. I typically ask her about her day, just as she does mine. Normally I just get some interesting and amusing stories about the stupid stuff kids get up to, but today she’d come back with something a bit more unusual.

“So what is it then?” I asked as we both headed through to the kitchen, where I’d left the kettle to boil. “Is it a race thing like that Running of the Leaves whatsit?” Margaret shook her head.

“No, nothing like that,” she said as she sat down at the table. “It’s like a cart race, you know, like those soap box races the kids used to do back when we were younger. You have one pony steering and another to push it. Otherwise it just runs on momentum. The Applewood Derby’s been going for years. You get a bunch of ponies in teams of two designing and building their own carts ,and then racing them along a specially built course. Honestly, darling, it was in the paper last week.”

“Really?” I asked, picking up the latest edition of the local rag. “I don’t remember seeing anything.” My wife rolled her eyes.

“That’s because you only read the politics section, dear,” she replied. The kettle began to whistle and I got up to make the tea,

“So what, the kids are getting into teams are they?”

“Sort of,” Margaret said. “To be safe, we’re not letting the kids all compete together. Each cart needs to have at least one adult pony on board for safety.”

“And to push it too I’d expect,” I added. “Even earth ponies probably find those carts heavy to push over level ground. I take it that this means your three favourite students will be participating?”

There’s three foals that my wife really has taken a shine to; Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. Collectively, they are known as the Cutie Mark Crusaders. They became friends as none of them had yet got their cutie marks; those odd symbols on their hind quarters. They tried all sorts of stunts that occasionally even caused me the odd headache. But last year, they finally got their way, and are now running their own free advice clinic for ponies looking to find or understand their cutie marks. My wife gets along with all three of them, having helped them on their quest and deal with a couple school yard bullies from time to time. In any case, there was a chance for mayhem and widespread destruction. That usually meant either the Cutie Mark Crusaders, or Twilight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer were involved.

“Oh all three of them jumped at the chance,” she replied as I set our cups of tea down on the table and took my seat again.

“I’m pretty sure they all ran straight to their siblings. And with the way the ribbons are set up, I’m expecting them to do well.” I took a sip of my tea. Still too hot. I can’t feel my tongue.

“How’s that then?” I asked.

“Well, the derby has three awards rather than just the one,” Margaret explained. “The first one is for the fastest cart; the one that actually wins the race. But there’s also prizes for the cart with the most creative design and the most traditional cart.”

“Is this one of those deals where everypony gets a ribbon?” I asked tiredly. “Like those stupid school sports days we always had to go to for the kids.”

“No!” she exclaimed crossly. “Honestly, just because ponies have this whole value of love and tolerance doesn’t mean that everypony gets a prize. They do recognise how that kind of thing cheapens actually winning something and removes the sense of pride and accomplishment.”

Far away on Sweet Apple Acres, my son was suddenly overcome with giggles.

“The kids are all taking this very seriously,” she went on. “They’ve already started work on their carts.”

“Let me guess,” I said. “Apple Bloom is going for traditional, Sweetie Belle is going for style, and the other one that Discord keeps annoying by turning her into a chicken is going for speed.” Margaret huffed and folded her arms.

“Actually, Scootaloo, is going for the most creative cart,” she replied. “Honestly, darling, you can’t go around stereotyping my students like that. All three of them want to try something different. Apple Bloom is trying to win the fastest cart ribbon and Sweetie Belle is going for most traditional.”

Huh, that I actually didn’t expect.

“Well, I stand corrected,” I replied teasingly. “So what are you doing in all this then?”

“I’m helping out with the judging,” she replied. “And now that you mention it, we could use a bit more help with getting the track set up. It’s quite the undertaking, you know. We need to set up hay bales to mark out the course, put together spectator stands and dam up the river to use the riverbed as part of the track.”

I’ve been married too long not to pick up on that hint, which came with all the subtlety of an iceberg looming towards the Titanic. Regardless of my feelings, I would be helping to build the track. Well, that’s what I get for teasing I suppose. Swallowing my pride, I resigned myself to the fact that at least it was a nice day out.

And so my pleasant afternoon off turned into a spot of the old standby; ‘volunteer’ work. Heading into Ponyville proper, our house is quite on the outskirts, I found that preparations were indeed well underway for the derby. I wasn’t quite sure what kind of race this was supposed to be. On the one hand, it was your classic soapbox race from 1950’s America, with kids driving crudely built carts down steeps hills in a test of who could build the most aerodynamic box. But on the other hand, you had a very different kind of track. The race went through parts of the town’s larger streets, and also through the somewhat muddy temporarily dry riverbed. In that sense, it reminded me a bit of rallycross.

In any case, it looked like a fun spectator sport. Which brought in the more NASCAR side of things. Everypony loves watching a good car crash and catastrophic fire right? I kid of course. As far as I know, nothing on these carts could make them go up. The worst that would happen was somepony might end up with a busted foreleg.

Then again, Sweetie Belle did manage to burn toast into a liquid state. Even Twilight still isn’t sure how she managed that one.

Regardless, preparations for the race were in full swing, and many residents of the town were busily setting things up for the big event. As I reached town hall, I came across my son, Bones and Big Macintosh, Applejack’s older brother. The latter is one of the few ponies who comes anywhere near to my height. Celestia and I see eye to eye, and including her horn, the mare actually has a few inches on me. Luna and Cadence are ever so slightly shorter. I’d say Big Mac was somewhere between Shining Armor and Luna in terms of height, putting him somewhere around 5’5; larger than the average pony by quite a way.

The two of them were busy unloading a wagon filled to the top with hay bales that were evidently being used to mark out part of the course and stop carts straying off the path. Mac was using a combination of teeth and hooves to move the large bales, while Bones was relying on his magic.

It struck me as a little odd seeing him do that. Back on Earth, as a human, Bones had had really bad hayfever. I have a mild case myself, although some concoction from Zecora every summer is enough to keep it under control. It’s certainly better than Rainbow’s idea of following me around with a rain cloud all day long to keep the local pollen level low. I felt a slight tickle in the back of my throat as I breathed in the dust.

“Hey there, Big Mac. Hey, Bones,” I said, waving as I wandered over. “The memsahib said you lads needed some help setting up the course for this Applewood Derby thing.”

Bones paused in his work, setting a bale down with his magic and trotted over to me. His grey coat had a few strands of hay caught in it, as did his dark blue mane. His signature stetson, a gift from his girlfriend, had also picked up a fair bit of dust and strands floating on the air. Pausing for a moment, he did his best to get a few out of his mane and eyes.

“Hi, Dad,” he said, in an accent that mimicked the Apple family; a consequence of living with them for so long. The boy’s gone from a Bond villain Brit to a country yokel. “Yeah, me and Mac were just settin’ up this part of the course. We’re almost done, but we could use your helping settin’ the dam up in the river.”

“Sure, happy to help,” I replied. “Just as long as I don’t have to deal with those hay bales. You know how I react to that stuff.”

He nodded sympathetically. He’s lucky his new pony body doesn’t have the same problems his human one did. No glasses, no hayfever, and he gets to use magic; he’s done alright for himself if you ask me. As for me, just touching hay tends to bring me out in a rash, with my skin going red raw and itching for ages.

“Me and Mac were just about to get started redirectin’ the river to make the rest of the track,” he said. “Y’all are welcome to help if ya like.”

“And just how are we supposed to do that?” I asked. Bones opened his mouth to reply. “And don’t say magic.”

“Ah never said anythin’ ‘bout magic,” he retorted hotly. “Ah may be a unicorn but that doesn’t mean Ah use magic to solve every problem Ah come across.” He should impart that bit of wisdom to Starlight.

“So what are we going to do?” I asked, now more curious.

“Me,Mac and AJ have been diggin’ a trench this past week. It’ll take the river water around Ponyville and then back into the river, letting us seal it off at both ends through town to dry up the bed, without having to deal with floodin’ somewhere. All we need to do now is put the dam itself in place.”

And so we headed up river, with the silent Big Mac pulling the wagon that held the supplies. Essentially, Bones planned to put a waterproof fence down that would block off the river, and then force it into the temporary trench riverbed that had been dug. Think of it like a bypass A road around a busy town.

I was impressed that they’d managed to get it all done in a week. Then again, you had my son with his magic, Mac with his famous strength, and then you had Applejack, who, despite her smaller size, is significantly stronger than her brother, or anypony else in Ponyville for that matter. Even by earth pony standards, she’s ridiculously strong. While even I would never tease Bones about it, it must make her pretty interesting in the bedroom.

Back on the outskirts of town, we reached the site of the temporary dam. The water was already splitting somewhat, with some of it flowing into the artificial diversion, causing the river through town to drop noticeably. Now all we had to do was put the dam in place to stop the flow of water altogether.

Mac pulled up and began unloading the cart. It was very much like a fence in construction. A series of posts would be driven into the river bed, and between each would be waterproofed boards to block the flow. It wouldn’t hold forever, but it would last long enough to keep the riverbed dry for the derby. When it was all over, the whole thing could be easily disassembled. It was certainly easier than building a proper dam. Just to be sure though, there would be two layers, with earth filling the gap between the two.

“Alright, here’s good,” Bones declared, taking a look at the steadily flowing river. “Ah’ll start stickin’ the poles in the river bed. It’ll be easier than us all wadin’ out to do it.”

With that, he activated his magic, his horn glowing a dark blue colour. That same glow soon enveloped one of the large wooden posts, and a moment later, it began to slowly levitate. On two sides, there were grooves to slide the plates into. Big Mac and I watched as the first post rotated in mid air, floated out into the river and then slowly lowered itself into the torrent, sinking into the soft ground of the bed.

As the first post was laid down, Bones paused to wipe the sweat off of his brow. A lot of non-unicorns see magic as cheating, or taking the easy way when it comes to manual labour. The reality is quite the opposite. It required just as much energy to move something by magic that it did to do so by hand. Magic for a unicorn, was just as much a muscle as any other body part, and using it was just as physically taxing.

I remember on the occasions where I’ve been present to see Celestia raise or lower the sun; the concentration on her face had been as if she were lifting some heavy object on her back. And in a sense, she was, moving the sun purely with her magic. The only difference is that to an untrained observer, it’s not always apparent. As a result, a lot of earth ponies in particular dislike using magic in their work.

But enough about that. Bones set to work on the remaining posts, with the two of us helping guide them into position. They needed to be in exactly the right place, or there would be gaps in the line, making the whole thing a waste of time. So we carefully made sure that each post was equidistant apart.

Now came the harder part; moving the boards into place. These would slide in between the posts, slot into the grooves, and actually block off the river. Due to their size and weight though, they were too much for Bones to move on his own. He may be magically gifted, but he’ll be the first to admit that he’s nowhere near as strong as Twilight or other powerful unicorns. That meant that the three of us would have to do it by hand, or hoof. We’d wade out into the river and slide each section into place. At least Bones was kind enough to offer me some sort of drying spell so that I didn’t go home soaked to the skin.

The river was shallow enough that Bones and Mac could comfortably keep their heads above the water. For me, it was more like wading. Still, even in the warm sun, the water was properly cold as we descended, and I didn’t have the protection of a warm hide.

The three of us carried the first board out together. This was was the easiest, and only needed to be carried a few steps in. Taking care to keep it straight, we pushed it down between the two posts, feeling the pushing power of the water against the flat board as we moved it into position. By degrees, we slowly moved further and further out, into the deeper water, until Bones and Big Mac were up to their necks. The deeper the water got, the harder it was to put the boards into place, as the force of the water, would constantly push them back, stopping us from easily sliding them into the grooves between posts.

Eventually though, now soaked to the skin, we managed to cross the river and completely seal it off. As we’d worked our way across, the river had reduced from a strong flow, to eventually a mere stream, which got through the few gaps in the wooden boards. The trench that had been dug seemed to be working well, and we hopefully wouldn’t need to worry about any flooding as a result. All that was left to do now, was put the other boards down and fill in the gap with earth to make the temporary dam strong enough to resist the continued pressure.

This was a bit more simple; just shovelling earth to fill the gap between the two fence like structures. All three of us set to work. It also however, gave us some time to talk.

“So,” I said, hurling another clump of earth into the ditch, “How’s Apple Bloom’s cart coming along, Bones? Your mother said she was going for something more speedy than traditional.”

“Well, she was,” Bones replied, a hint of annoyance in his voice. “AB had a real fine design for a racer. Only problem is that Applejack’s helpin’ her.” I was puzzled by that.

“What do you mean?” I asked. Big Mac explained.

“Applejack started off just helpin’,” he elaborated. “Only now she’s kinda taken over the whole thing; makin’ a traditional cart instead. Last time Ah checked, AB was getting mighty frustrated with her.”

“So why not just tell her that then?” I asked curiously. Ponies do have this habit of missing the obvious solution that’s staring them straight in the face.

“Are ya kiddin’?” Bones asked. “Have you met my marefriend? C’mon, ya know how stubborn AJ can be. Besides, Ah already tried. She’s pullin’ that whole ‘sister knows best’ horseapples. And anyway, AB might be annoyed about her big sister makin’ changes to her cart, but she’s still enjoyin’ workin’ with her.”

“Okay, fair enough,” I replied. “She’ll still have fun racing the thing in any case.”

Before too long, the three of us had completed our temporary dam. The river bed, although still something of a quagmire, was now steadily drying up, the the river being diverted around Ponyville. A couple more days, and it would be dry enough to race on.

It was now three days before the Applewood Derby, and I was on my way up to Canterlot as normal. I’d left home about twenty minutes ago and was on the way to the train station, with Charlie, my disguised changeling/dog, following behind. Having been the one who took him in, he often hangs around me and follows me to the station.

As it was still quite early, the town was relatively quiet, with few ponies up and about at this time in the morning. There were some exceptions though. Glancing up into the sky for a moment, I picked out two pegasus ponies, one of which was a mare with a dark blue coat and a chestnut mane. That was Lizzie, my daughter, and with her, I could see a stallion, who I quickly recognised to be Dewdrop, her best friend in the weather patrol, and possibly more if rumour is to be believed.

I hadn’t seen Lizzie in a while, and as I had a good fifteen minutes before I needed to be at the railway station, I figured that it wouldn’t do any harm having a chat with her. At the moment, she and Dewdrop were clearing away a few stray clouds.

“Hey, Lizzie!” I called up. Unfortunately, due to the altitude difference, it didn’t look like she could hear me.

“Lizzie!” I tried again, now waving an arm over my head. Still though, she seemed engrossed in her work, kicking away at the small clouds and instantly breaking them up, causing them to vanish in a puff of vapour. I decided to try something a little more clear. Cupping my one hand around my mouth, I tried an old Aussie trick .

“Coo-ee!” I called out, the cry travelling much further than an ordinary shout. That got her attention.

Performing a graceful spiral dive, Lizzie descended down to about ten feet off the ground, hovering in the air.

“Hey, Dad,” she said with a wave. “What’s up?”

“What?” I asked. “Can’t a father just say hello to his daughter? What are you and Dewdrop up to anyway?”

“Oh, we’re just clearing up a few clouds to get ready for that race thing that’s on in a couple days. Dash is going nuts about it.”

“She’s helping Scootaloo, right?” I asked, Lizzie frowned and shrugged her shoulders.

“For a given definition of ‘helping’,” she replied. “Last I heard, Scootaloo wanted to win the prize for the most creative cart, but Dash has been building something that can probably do a sonic rainboom.”

Huh, it sounded like Scootaloo was having the same trouble Apple Bloom was. Then again, I’d made the mistake of assuming what each filly would want from this competition. And Rainbow Dash is infamous for not listening to others when she should. You’d have thought that somepony with that kind of responsibility wouldn’t just charge ahead regardless. Still, this is the mare who kicked a dragon in the face and was surprised when it nearly roasted her alive in retaliation.

I chatted with Lizzie for a little while after that, catching up on what was going on in her life. She’s been living with Fluttershy as her roommate for some time now, and while she hasn’t done anything officially yet, I know for a fact that she’s sweet on Dewdrop. I’m not the kind of dad to threaten to bury any would be suitor, but I do like to make sure she’s okay. He seems like a nice enough lad to my mind, having met him a few times now. He's a touch on the shy side, but not painfully so. He’s certainly a damn sight better than her last boyfriend back on Earth.

Anyway, before too long, I had to head off to the train station. It was five to the hour, so the train would be leaving any time soon. Charlie and I reached the platform, with me flashing my government issued rail warrant (train tickets in Equestria are just as stupidly expensive as they were back home) to the station master. Charlie turned around and headed back home, while I climbed aboard and headed up to Canterlot.

Today wasn’t looking too bad on the books, but I did know that Tia wanted to see me about something before court opened. I knew it wouldn’t be anything bad, trust me, if you’ve screwed up, you’ll know well before you’re up in front of the big white mare herself. As I’ve said before, while I am Celestia’s legal advisor and counsel, I’m also a fairly close friend, so every now and then she’ll ask to bounce new ideas off of me and get some feedback, and sometimes she likes to just chat about her own problems in private. Given her position, it’s not easy for her to just vent to someone about something.

Before I could wonder any further though, I was jostled from my thoughts as the train released its brakes and slowly began to pull out of the station.

The train actually made good time and we reached Canterlot a few minutes earlier than expected. Taking a cab up the hill, I had soon cleared security and was on my way to Celestia’s chambers. While the princess does have an office of sorts, it’s a medium sized room just off the throne room, she also has a study as it were in her personal apartments. I’ve been in here a few times to see her outside of court hours. She finds it less formal, providing a relaxed atmosphere. Still, it is something only a select few are permitted to do.

Walking up to the door, I greeted the sentry stationed at the door and informed him that Celestia had asked to see me. After giving me the once over, he stepped to one side and opened the door for me.

I found Celestia seated on an oversized cushion at her desk, a large quill dancing in the golden hue of her magic. Her ears pricked up as I entered, and she quickly turned around to face me.

“Ah, Roger, good,” she said with that familiar maternal smile. “I hope you don’t mind me calling you in a little early.”

“Not at all, Tia,” I replied with a smile of my own, offering a brief bow for the sake of protocol. “What can I do for you?” Celestia got up, a few sheets of paper in her magic.

“Remember that fundraiser I was telling you about?” She asked. I grinned and decided to take a rare opportunity to tease her.

“You mean the one that you’ve been strong arming half the nobility to donate to?” I asked, my voice sounding perfectly innocent. Celestia snorted good naturedly and rolled her eyes at my antics.

“Yes, that one,” she admitted. “I’ve just been crunching the numbers as they say, and it seems like we’re still going to be a couple thousand bits short. I’ve been racking my brains all day yesterday trying to think of a way to come up with the funds. I was wondering if you had any ideas.”

I had a quick think. This wasn’t the sort of thing you could reasonably ask the general public to donate to, being essentially a public school (in the British sense; a public school if paid for by donations from public members, whereas a state school is paid for by the government). A bake sale or other typical event certainly wouldn’t raise the amount of capital Celestia was looking for. Nor could she use her own wealth from Equestria’s coffers, since that was all earmarked for keeping the country running.

We needed something that generated a lot of profit quickly, that also didn’t require too much in the way of setting up. I actually started thinking back to my UVF days. When we needed money back then, and God knows we needed it a lot, we usually did something south of legal, but we also had quite a few rackets; black cabs, cheap cigarettes, lotteries.

Wait...that was it! A possible idea jumped to the forefront of my mind. Celestia clearly read my body language.

“What is it?” she asked as I began to inwardly celebrate. I finally had an excuse to use a phrase I’d not been able to until now.

“I,” I declared. “Have a cunning plan!”

Leading Celestia down to my office, I surmised the little plan I’d come up with. We could take bets on the Applewood Derby down in Ponyville. The event had attracted plenty of ponies, and not just from Ponyville. If we could get enough ponies placing bets, even paying out winnings, we’d still have a tidy sum left over.

Now, normally, this wouldn’t be possible. Gambling outside of a casino is just as illegal in Equestria as it was back in Blighty. However, as part of my job, I keep up to date on case law; judgements made in court that come to serve as a precedent for future occurrences of the same offence. Not too long ago, there had been a case down in San Franciscolt. A community centre had organised a seemingly harmless rabbit race (yes, a rabbit race) for a charity event. The public attending had placed bets on who would win, not more than four or five bits. Somepony however, reported it as unlawful gambling. At the resulting trial, it was explained that the money was all being donated to charitable organisations, and for that reason, the judge had dismissed the case summarily. Anti-gambling laws exist to stop organised crime using gambling as a way to make money and to ensure any gambling is regulated properly. But in dismissing the case, the judge brought into precedent that it was not illegal to permit gambling where the resulting proceeds were donated to recognised and registered charities.

Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns was a registered charity, (a tax dodge) and thus could use this loophole to help with the deficit. We could set up a bookies down in Ponyville, set up the odds accordingly for each prize, and then earn a pretty penny for our trouble. If nothing else, the opportunity to gamble outside of Las Pegasus would attract a fair few ponies.

Stepping into my office however, Celestia was not exactly convinced.

“Are you sure about this, Roger?” she asked, sounding unsure.

“Absolutely, Tia,” I replied.

Walking over to the large bookcase, I thumbed my way along the one row until I came to a collection of recent judgements and case law. Opening the book and scanning through, I soon found the section I was looking for.

“See, here it is,” I said, pointing to the relevant section. “Heart Strings v the City of San Franciscolt. These books aren’t just for show, you know; they’re chock full of useful legal titbits.” Celestia leaned over my shoulder and quickly scanned the judgement over.

At first, I could still see uncertainty on her face. But as she read the judgement and saw how the land lay, and the potential reward up for grabs, that look was replaced with a pleased one. She gave me permission to get the operation going. Celestia may be entirely incorruptible, but she does so enjoy bending the rules once in a while.

And so, a couple of days later, the derby was on, and I was busy collecting a whole lot of cash. As soon as I’d got back to Ponyville, I’d had some posters made up and put up around town. That had netted me quite a local market, but I’d also, with the help of one Derpy Hooves, been able to use the telegraph system in the post office to take bets from further afield. I’d never realised that so many ponies were willing to bet serious money on a kids soapbox race.

Now, obviously, I’d needed help from somepony to help work out the odds, set the line and so forth in order for us not to lose out massively. Twilight had told me flat out that she’d be no part of it, even if Celestia had given me the nod. Despite the fact that it was for charity, the little purple alicorn was flat out against gambling. So instead, since Derpy was already helping me, I made use of her remarkably smart daughter, Dinky.

The little filly has an IQ north of 200; the result of a union between Derpy and Time Turner, who, like Dinky, has two hearts if that’s any explanation. Unfettered by the ethics of gambling on a children's sporting event, she was able to work out some odds that gave a good payout for winner,s while still keeping us in the black.

By the time the small booth I’d set up in Town Hall closed up, just prior to the race. I had enough squared away that even if all the underdogs won, we’d still have the two thousand or so bits needed for the fundraiser. All was going well until the derby itself got under way.

The first thing that I noticed was off were the drivers. By tradition, the foals drove the carts, while the adults provided the pony power. Today though, that seemed reversed in some cases, with Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo all pushing their carts and their older siblings driving them. They also seem to be quite in contrast to what the fillies claimed to be building. Instead of a speedy racer, Apple Bloom had a traditional cart, while Sweetie Belle had a rather aesthetically pleasing one, and Scootaloo had the bullet with wheels on it. None of them looked particularly happy.

Still, the crowd was eager for the off, and as the green flag dropped, ponies were cheering and singing like nutters. The carts roared around the track at a fast speed, apart from Apple Bloom’s obviously, which trundled along at a pace that I think would warrant a citation for failing to make adequate progress (a real traffic offence back in Britain). Rainbow zoomed around the track, but was unable to pass Rarity, who was also fighting for the lead. Things soon got dirty, which ultimately ended in Rainbow’s cart losing a tyre, and all three of the Crusaders' carts smashing into each other.

Luckily, nopony was seriously hurt, apart from the carts, which were a write off. Still, that marked the last straw for the Crusaders, and rather publicly, they blew up at their sisters and mentor figures, who had pretty much hijacked their carts for themselves by all accounts. The three mares realised how selfish they had been, and ultimately convinced Cheerilee to organise a second derby, just for the foals.

That was all well and good for them. I however, had to contend with the fallout from the derby. Who won, you might ask. Well, it was Derpy and her nephew Crackle Pop. Once again, the two of them crossed the line first. The odds on Derpy winning were 50/1. I’d had her as an underdog because of the Crusaders. Now I was out more than a few bits.

Annoyingly, there was no longer enough to completely cover the cost for Celestia’s fundraiser. But I was more grateful that nopony cottoned on to the fact that Derpy had been helping set up the bookies in the first place. Back on Earth, that might have got my head kicked in by some unhappy customers.

Still, it hadn’t been a complete disaster, and Celestia could still drum up a few more donations when she went to visit the orphanage in a few weeks. And Celestia’s great at those sorts of things, Luna not so much, but why would she be doing anything in the daytime, right?

Chapter 5 - A Prank Too Far

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If I could describe Rainbow Dash in one word, that word would be annoying. Deeply annoying if I can have two. She is without a doubt the single most irritating resident in all of Ponyville. And I include Pinkie Pie in that, after she randomly appeared under my bed to provide me and Margaret with party invitations.

I still have no idea how she did that. Or how long she was under there for.

Actually, I’m not sure I want to know.

Still, Pinkie might annoy me from time to time, but it’s just her way. She’s friendly, kind hearted and has always been in my corner when I’ve been feeling down, even if I do snap at her from time to time.

In contrast, Rainbow Dash has been a near constant source of problems and issues. First of all, there’s the fact that her case actually wound up on my desk. A while back, in a misguided effort to stop winter, brought on by not wanting her pet tortoise to hibernate, she inadvertently caused some pretty severe damage to Cloudsdale’s weather factory, including sending a giant snowball Ponyville’s way, which covered the town in a couple feet of snow a good week before it was supposed to, never mind the effect it had on weather control over the next few weeks. I managed to get her off with a serious slap on the wrist, but it still looked pretty awkward for all concerned, having the bearer of an Element of Harmony hauled in for criminal damage charges.

Then there’s her problem of crashing with some frequency when she’s trying out new tricks or stunts. That usually ends with somepony having to shell out the bits to repair whatever damage she caused, or it sends somepony to the hospital. Like a drunk driver though, Rainbow never seems to get too badly knocked about, just the ponies she slams into at over 300 miles an hour.

Besides that, she and I have something of a personality clash. To describe Rainbow as boastful, doesn’t really do it justice. She is so damn full of herself, more so since she got into the Wonderbolt Reserves. More often than not, her ego has gotten her, and others, into serious bother. I don’t mind ponies making mistakes, but she never learns her lesson, and like Starlight, seems to get off scot free more times than I care to remember.

And then, there’s her pranking. Now, I’m a pretty introverted guy at heart; I’m quiet, I prefer to keep to myself or spend time with a few select friends, and I certainly don’t enjoy surprises, least of all nasty ones. In contrast, Rainbow loves her pranks and practical jokes. Everything from the cliched whoopee cushion to more imaginative ones, like ‘borrowing’ an active storm cloud, and landing lightning strikes perilously close to a pony’s hind quarters. Now, don’t get me wrong, I can take a joke; Celestia after all, loves her own brand of practical jokes, as does Discord. The problem with Rainbow’s brand of humour, is that it can sometimes come across as more mean than funny. She just does it to boost her own ego.

I’ve been on the receiving end of a few of her gags since I arrived. At first, I took it as her way of being friendly; Discord did something similar as his way of showing he cares. I expected that after a few weeks, she’d get bored, or I’d get wise, and she’d move on to some other victim, having accepted me as a friend. Instead, she’s kept up her campaign quite happily. The worst by far had to be the time she sneaked into my house when I was kipping on the sofa, and stuck my hand in a bowl of cold water. The result was…unfortunate. I didn’t think I’d be waking up to something like that until my eighties at the earliest.

After that, I’d reached by breaking point. Between the continued pranks, and the lack of gratitude for dragging her rump out of the fire over the Cloudsdale incident, I decided it was time to push back. There was just one problem.

I’m not that good.

You’d have thought a man who had a knack for planting fairly sizeable bombs in places no one would expect, or detect if they did would be able to do something like hide one of those snake in a can prank toys. As it turned out though, Rainbow was too quick for me, and always seemed to sidestep or avoid whatever I tried to pull. And at the same time, she continued to play jokes on me.

I’d long toyed with the idea of pursuing legal action as a very last resort. I didn’t want to of course, but I was starting to run out of options. Obviously, I’d tried the most obvious solution first, and asked her to stop with the pranks. But she hadn’t listened. I’d had no luck going through Twilight either. Then I’d tried to put her in her place by pranking her back, and that hadn’t worked. The problem was I had no leverage. Rainbow wanted to prank me for the hell of it. I couldn’t buy her off or anything like that. It was looking like my only option was to do something drastic and finally throw some consequences in her face.

Still, as annoying as it all was, I did think it a bit of an overreaction, and Margaret agreed, using her marital veto to stop me actually doing it. Ever the primary school teacher, she advised me to just ignore her and not react. And to be fair, for the last couple of weeks, that plan had served me well. I’d only had to put up with one doorknob being loosened, so I was locked in the en suite, and one case of her winding my alarm clock two hours forward, making me think I was late for work. Irritating, yes. But I didn’t show it, and Rainbow did seem to be getting bored.

Unfortunately, Margaret’s plan didn’t take into account that, given the situation, Rainbow might just up the ante to get a rise out of me.

And that’s exactly what happened.

The straw that broke the camel’s back came when I was busy writing up a case report for Celestia. Not all the cases I deal with are criminal. The only thing that is needed to request my presence, is for the issue at hand to have something to do with either Equestrian or foreign law. That can be anything from treaties with other nations, all the way down to the regulations surrounding the use of bonfires within a city. Just because I’m needed doesn’t mean somepony is standing tall before the man. On the contrary, the vast majority of my cases aren’t even relating to the law directly, merely being a facet of it.

Anyway, I’m rambling a bit. The case I was working on at the moment was one of no small importance. Celestia was busy negotiating a new trade deal with the Griffon Kingdom that would hopefully see trade between the two friendly nations grow almost exponentially. As Equestria’s biggest ally, we already had the usual slew of trade agreements. This one however, was going to be a little different. We were going to move the agreement from a tariff model to a free trade one. That is to say, each country would be removing the tariffs on various goods that could only be found in the other country. For the Griffons, that meant eliminating tariffs on gemstones and other precious minerals, while Equestria would remove tariffs on some of the heavy machinery produced in the Griffon Kingdom.

The agreement had taken months to work out, as there was notable opposition on both sides of the eastern sea. But finally, Celestia, ever the chess master, had managed to strike a deal that would ultimately benefit both parties. All that had to be done now, was for the agreement to be ratified and checked to ensure that it didn’t clash with any existing Equestrian legal conventions.

This was what I was doing as I sat at my desk. In front of me, I had the final draft copy of the free trade agreement, and all around me were books, many borrowed from the Royal Canterlot Law Library, on Equestrian trade and commerce law from the past century. As I’ve said before, much of Equestrian law was not codified in a single document, and was scattered through case law old and new. It would only take one ancient, but still valid judgement, to bring the whole agreement down and put us back at square one.

I’d been going over the agreement carefully all that morning, and I was on my fifth pot of tea, and second pack of chocolate biscuits, and I was only a fifth of the way through the agreement. Right now I was examining the riveting notion of the definition of a lawful importer of precious minerals in contrast to a lawful retailer, complete with definitions of precious minerals and Equestrian precious minerals to boot.

As I was going over the work, my thoughts turned briefly to Rainbow Dash. It had been a few weeks now, and I’d not heard a peep out of her. I’d heard that she’d been pulling pranks on other ponies, including Fluttershy, much to my surprise (in the past Fluttershy was always a no-go for Rainbow, on account of her sensitivity and borderline panphobia). But she seemed to have left me alone. There had been no more whoopee cushions, no more cardboard stand-ins in my wardrobe, and no more replacing sugar with salt.

However, I overlooked the obvious. My study had a couple of windows, since I like to have some natural light given how long I sometimes spend in here. One of these was right in front of my desk, and allowed me to look out towards the nearby Ponyville Park; a picturesque scene if ever there was one. And today, due to how warm it was, I’d left it open to stay cool. That was my downfall.

I was going through a section on the timescale to implement the new agreement when I first heard the signature jet-like sound of a pegasus flying at speed. I really must look into how they do that. I’ll be bits to biscuits though that the answer is magic.

Anyway, hearing the sound relatively close by, I glanced up to see who it was. I was expecting a delivery today and was on the lookout for Derpy. But it wasn’t my favourite mailmare, it was Rainbow Dash. While her cyan form could make her hard to see against a clear sky, the rainbow trail she left in her wake was unmistakable. What was more, she seemed to be heading toward me.

It never clicked in my head what this could mean, until it was far too late. I just thought she practising one of her speed runs through town, trying out some new bloody stunt she’d come up with. To my surprise though, she zoomed right up to my open window. It was then that I realised her intentions.

“Hey, Roger! Catch!” she called out.

Pulling into a steep climb and banking away from the house, she soon zoomed out of sight. She actually used the RAF lobbing tactics, which the V-Force bombers used to safely drop their nuclear weapons without vaporising themselves. Of course, it wasn’t a megaton range warhead that Rainbow threw at me,\it was something far more juvenile; a water balloon.

It landed with a splat right in front of me, bursting onto my desk, and utterly soaking all my notes, one of only two draft copies of the trade agreement, as well as the various books that happened to be on the table at that moment. I got a pretty good soaking too. In one fell swoop, she’d managed to destroy a good week’s worth of research and hard work.

Now, I’ve already said, I’m not averse to pranks. I don’t mind laughing at myself from time to time, particularly if the prank is clever or brilliantly executed, like when my daughter fiddled with my computer screen and turned everything upside down. But when a joke isn’t funny and destroys some very important work, then...well, I tend to lose my temper.

Having recovered from the shock and sudden soaking, I was soon on my feet and shouting out of the window, hurling the most vile and insulting names I could remember in Rainbow’s direction, as well as promising swift and violent retribution.

Luckily, my shouting and swearing, while earning me no points from our neighbours, did bring my wife running. She was able to eventually calm me down, and after taking my frustrations out on an unfortunate filing cabinet, I was able to make my way back to sanity. Having calmed down, I decided that I was left with no option. Rainbow had just destroyed some very important government documents; this time, she would have to face consequences.

After heading upstairs, heading changed into fresh, dry clothes, and doing my best to calm the still boiling rage inside me, I prepared to head out. I would head to the train station, which was where the telegraph office was also located. I’d wire Celestia and ask her for permission to bring a petition before her tomorrow. While I wasn’t expecting Rainbow to get in too serious trouble, I rather hoped that she’d get something along the lines of what she got after that whole winter incident. At least here, community service and garnished wages were fitting and proportionate punishments.

All I really wanted was to see her put in her place and taken down a peg; something to check that massive ego of hers. As it turned out though, I wasn’t the only one getting sick and tired of Rainbow’s pranks. While other ponies had put up with her antics for far longer, she’d recently been on something of a spree, and even Twilight’s patience with Rainbow’s unamusing tricks was beginning to run out.

But it wasn’t Twilight who came up with the frankly genius plan to get one over on the prankster pegasus, it was the pony who’s intelligence I sometimes believe may well be on a par with Discord. No, not Celestia, although she is close, I’m talking about Equestria’s number one party planner.

I was making my way past Sugarcube Corner when I first felt that I was being watched. Pinkie Pie does this; she ambushes you. You won’t see anything, and then all of a sudden, there’ll be a pair of baby blue eyes and a massive smile in front of your face, like some extremely happy facehugger from the Alien movies. And that’s precisely what happened. I all but jumped out of my skin.

“Gah! Pinkie Pie!” I exclaimed in fright. “How many times have I told you; don’t do that!” The pink earth pony just giggled though.

“Ha ha, sorry, Roger,” she said kindly. “It’s just that I haven’t seen you in ages, and I wanted to say hi to my joint-best human friend in all of Ponyville.” She continued to stare at me with those unsettling blue eyes.

Of Pinkie Pie, I’ll say this. I don’t fear Discord, Tirek, or the power of immortal alicorns. But that mare...she scares me. Truth be told, I do my best to avoid her, but I think that just encourages her.

“So what are you doing out here anyway?” she asked, continuing on, either unaware on unconcerned by the mortal terror I was presently feeling.

I figured that Pinkie wouldn’t be too thrilled with the idea of me trying to have Rainbow hauled over hot coals, so I tried to sidestep the whole thing, literally backing off from the party mare at the same time.

“Oh...erm...I was just going to see Twilight,” I explained, doing my best to keep my nerve. Pinkie may be the Element of Laughter, but she’s just as good a lie detector as Applejack.

She saw right through me as I started to walk around her.

“Oh, me too!” she said excitably, now bouncing alongside me as I continued on my way. “Are you planning on doing something about Rainbow’s pranking too?”

If I’d been drinking coffee, I’d have spat it out in surprise. As it was, I ended up choking on air.

“What the?! How did you figure that out?!” I exclaimed, too surprised to deny it.

“Well, my back left foreleg itched, and my right ear was floppy. That’s my Pinkie Sense telling me that you’ve had one of your little temper tantrums. You really shouldn’t take out your anger on helpless filing cabinets, you know. They have feeling too.”

Again, not even Discord scares me this much.

“So, you know about Rainbow’s pranking spree then?” I asked, a little nervously as she continued to bounce along beside me.

“Sure,” she replied. “I don’t mind them, but she really seems to have ticked off a lot of ponies. And her latest prank just doesn’t seem that funny.” Of course, Pinkie would know what Rainbow was planning next, she sometimes seems omniscient as it is.

“You know what it is?” I asked. Pinkie nodded.

“She’s planning to switch out all the Filly Scouts' cookies for joke ones that turn your mouth rainbow coloured.” Yep, there’s the ego. Pinkie went on. “I’m going to go to see Twilight and the others to see if I can bring her in on my plan.”

“What plan’s that then?” I asked. Pinkie now turned serious.

“We’re going to prank Rainbow like she’s never been pranked before.”

And instantly, all thought of civil prosecution was forgotten in favour of being part of perhaps the single greatest revenge prank in pony history. I only had one question.

“Can I help?”

Pinkie was glad to have me on board. To my amazement, she seemed to have roped pretty much the entire town into her incredible prank, even the usually morally superior Twilight Sparkle had agreed when presented with the opportunity to get one over on Rainbow.

Her plan was simple, yet brilliant. Rainbow planned to leave everypony who ate those cookies with a rainbow covered mouth. Well, we could all live with that for a little while. Pinkie’s counter prank called for a spot of acting. In addition to staining our mouths, these cookies were going to have an unexpected side effect; an all-consuming addiction and a desire to rip anypony who might have more cookies to shreds. Basically, it was your standard zombie apocalypse scenario, only eating cookies instead of the flesh of the living. Rainbow would return to a Ponyville overrun with cookie craving zombies, and what few survivors she encountered would soon too fall victim to the infestation. Eventually, she’d be left on her own. And then, right before she expected to get eaten, we’d reveal the whole thing to her, showing how a prank, while funny to the prankster, can be quite harmful to the victims.

Pinkie took me to Twilight’s castle, where we planned the whole thing. Twilight’s innate organisational ability was key in giving us all roles to play to make the whole thing frighteningly believable. It would all happen after the cookie drive, with pretty much everypony buying a box, including myself. Rainbow’s cloud home was a little distance away from Ponyville, and she’d only come back in an hour or two to gloat. That would give us all the time we needed.

With the plan all set to go, we all dispersed to prepare. I headed back to the house, noticeably calmer, and far, far happier than when I left. Margaret was quick to pick up on my good mood.

“Well, you seem a damn sight more chipper than earlier,” she said as I walked in. “I take it you’ve had a chance to calm down?” I smiled as I walked into the kitchen where she was busy doing the ironing.

“Absolutely!” I declared happily. “I ran into Pinkie Pie while I was out. And she’s come up with a plan to get back at Rainbow for all her pranking. We’re going to fake a zombie apocalypse.”

I waited for my dear wife to process that little titbit of information. She set her iron down for a moment.

“You’re going to what?” she asked in amazement. I briefly outlined Pinkie’s plan, offering her a role as well. However, she was less then impressed.

“Absolutely not!” she said hotly. “I know Rainbow’s got a bit out of hoof lately, but that’s just juvenile.”

“Well, you know what they say,” I replied. “Send a thief to catch a thief, and Pinkie’s the best prankster around. Apart from Discord, but I don’t want Rainbow sent to a creepy sock puppet dimension. Not yet anyway.”

“It’s still ridiculous,” she answered.

“C’mon, even Twilight’s pitching in,” I persisted. Margaret sighed and rolled her eyes.

“Alright,” she said. “Tell you what. I’ll stay out of the way and I won’t blow your cover if that silly pegasus comes knocking.” It was a fair compromise.

“Alright then,” I agreed. “But on one condition.”

“What it is?” she asked, with the tone of a wife who’s long since gotten bored of her husbands childish behaviour.

“Once I’ve sent Rainbow on her merry was to the finale, you and me meet up at the pub in town.”

“And wait for all this to blow over?” she finished. I just grinned.

I ended the evening by sending a brief wire up to Canterlot to let Celestia that I would be taking one of my vacation days tomorrow.

And so, the next day, the plan began. It all started with the Filly Scouts' cookie drive. I swear, those girls are worse the Jehovah’s Witnesses and doorstep salesmen combined in terms of how quickly they can use pressure selling tactics. As planned, pretty much everypony, myself included, bought at least one box. Taking mine into the kitchen I cracked one open and examined the filling inside. It was rainbow coloured and stained your fingers. Even running them under a very hot tap took about thirty seconds to start washing it off. I wondered just how much Rainbow had spent on all this. The amount of cookies needed had to have cost a tidy sum.

Speaking of Rainbow, she’d gone back to her cloud mansion to wait for her prank to take effect. After all, the last thing she wanted was to be strong armed into buying and eating a box of her own joke cookies. It also though gave us the time we needed to prepare our own little show.

First things first, everything was closed down. All the shops were locked up, some even boarded up their doors and windows to add to the effect. The streets were cleared, with most ponies hiding in carefully worked out positions to jumpscare Rainbow wherever she might flee to. And for added effect, a few of the weather team, led by Thunderlane, who had leapt at the opportunity get back at his boss, moved in a large front of clouds and set them to hang at low level just above the town. That in particular gave the place an unsettling look, particularly as, despite the clouds, there was absolutely no wind. Fluttershy even convinced her friends in the bird world to hold off on singing for the extra ominous feeling.

By the time everything was complete, Ponyville could have been a scene from the Langoliers. The place was dead silent, there not a soul about (or so it seemed). And the only hint of what had caused everypony to disappear was the scattered, and empty, boxes of cookies.

With the show almost ready to start, Margaret left to go and hole herself up in Ponyville only pub, which from the outside appeared to be boarded up and fortified. I meanwhile set to work on my make up. Pinkie had mixed up a version of the rainbow colouring that washed off more easily, she’d also provided me with a few more items to make my face appear pale and haggard, even giving me sunken eyes. I even had a tattered costume to complete the getup. As I looked at myself in the mirror, I beheld an unsettling sight.

Personally though, I think the rainbow stain around my chops just made me look ridiculous.

The show started at two that afternoon. Pinkie had already warmed Rainbow up by feigning being ill in bed with a fever. Now she was coming back to Ponyville and would find it a very strange place.

Unfortunately, there was one flaw in Pinkie’s plan, and that was my daughter, Lizzie. Rainbow had sent her on some long range patrol, or something like that, which meant that she was out of town for a couple of days. She was coming back a day early, and was about find herself caught up in the whole affair.

About twenty minutes later, and I was in my specially organised position as per Twilight’s instructions. The script as it was, called for Rainbow to find Twilight and Spike eating what few cookies remained in the square outside Town Hall. They would then reveal themselves to be the cookie craving zombies they were pretending to be. We would all then work together to ensure that Rainbow was directed toward Sweet Apple Acres.

In the grand scheme, I only had a small part to play, but I nonetheless had a whole lot of fun when Rainbow all but galloped straight into me. While I’m not usually an intimidating character, in the guise of a zombie, my superior size more than helped to scare the living daylights out of Rainbow. Genuinely believing that her prank had gone horribly wrong, the terrified pegasus turned tail and ran hell for leather away from me, and the various other ponies that had jumped out at her from seemingly every corner.

I have to admit, as petty as it was, it felt good to finally get revenge on Rainbow for all her pranks. I sort of wanted to see the grand finale where the ponies would all reveal themselves to have just been playing a joke, but I’d made a deal with Margaret. Besides, who knew the next time the pub was going to be empty for everypony except me and the missus?

I headed straight over there after I was certain that Rainbow was gone. Whilst on the outside, the place looked boarded up tight, it was actually unlocked and open. I found Margaret sitting in one of the booths in the far corner, having apparently having helped herself to a bottle of wine. She took a slightly disgusted look at me as I walked in. I was reminded of the look our family cat used to give me on a daily basis; the sort of look that says their disgust with you is too deep for words. I suppose I did look a bit of a mess in my costume.

“Good God, don’t you look a mess,” she commented as I stepped into the light. “At least wash that rainbow muck off your face before you sit down.” I smiled ruefully.

“Alright, alright. Just give me a minute,” I said pleadingly. “I’ll go and wash all this make-up off.”

Heading into the gents, I ran some hot water and quickly washed away the vast majority of of the make up I’d got on. I soon looked at least moderately respectable, apart from the still slightly tattered clothes. Heading back into the tap room, I found Margaret pouring herself a second glass.

“You know that’s technically stealing,” I said half-seriously. I was actually a little surprised that she’d gone and helped herself.

“There’s a zombie apocalypse going on,” she replied, taking a sip. “Technically, it’s looting. Beside, I left a few bits on the bar, and I’m not even down to the label yet.”

For a moment, I considered chiding her further. But hey, as long as she was paying, was there really any harm in having a quiet drink down the local? I shrugged my shoulders.

“Eh. Fair do’s,” I replied, joining her in the booth. Grabbing another glass from behind the bar, I poured myself half a glass out. I didn’t have work tomorrow, so there was no harm in having a drink or two.

So we drank and chatted together for an hour or so. I figured we had a fair while before everypony would be back from finally putting Rainbow in her place, and it would take even longer for everything in Ponyville to get back to normal. However, to my surprise, as I was working on my third glass of the afternoon, I heard a dull roar overhead, the same jet engine like noise that pegasi make, only lots of them. While the weather team would be moving all those clouds back out of the way, there seemed to be far more ponies than that.

Curious about what was going on, the two of us headed for the front door and stepped outside. To my surprise, Ponyville was bustling. Not only were ordinary ponies back and just going about their business, but half the Royal Guard seemed to be in town, with patrols buzzing all around.

“What’s going on here?” I asked a lieutenant (and you better read that as left-tenant) as I walked out into the open, my wife following behind. He quickly recognised me; I am rather recognisable after all without blowing my own trumpet.

“Somepony came up to Canterlot, sir,” he replied. “Said there was some kind of zombie invasion going on. Seems like it was all some sort of joke.”

And that was where things came a bit unstuck, particularly after I found out that Lizzie, believing everything to be real, had smacked Filthy Rich across the mouth with a cricket bat.

So, as it turned out, I didn’t have the day off the following morning, and found myself in Canterlot to explain the minor cock up I’d inadvertently caused. You see, Lizzie had come back to town, seen what was going on, been spooked by Filthy and knocked him out cold, and then gone up to Canterlot to find me. Only, because of Pinkie’s prank, I wasn’t there, so she’d gone straight to Celestia, who had sent Captain Strong Shield and a detachment down to Ponyville. And of course, by the time they got there, the whole business was done with.

Technically, nopony had committed any crime. This was a sort of War of the Worlds moment where a series of events and misunderstandings had come together to result in the events that unfolded. Pinkie hadn’t intended any of that to happen, and as the whole town was in on the prank, she couldn’t have reasonably foreseen what would happen. Rainbow, while possibly guilty of criminal mischief, was not really worth chasing, and my absence from work was hardly an issue either.

Still, the whole incident had caused a few ripples in the Equestrian government. And as a result, Celestia was standing in my office, regarding me with a level stare that almost made me empty my bowels. It was like when your mum caught you sneaking snacks or something. I fidgeted ever so slightly as I sat at my desk, her gaze boring into me

“Well, this is awkward,” I said, trying desperately to break the silence that had prevailed since she walked in.

In response, Celestia merely raised an eyebrow, her princess mask not dropping for an instant. She was unimpressed at my poor attempt at deflection. I continued to squirm under the gaze of her magenta eyes.

“Look,” I said, more earnestly now. “How in Equestria was I supposed to know any of this would happen? Lizzie wasn’t even supposed to be back for another day. Nopony got hurt, and at the very least, the guards got some good exercise for a change.”

Celestia was silent for a moment. Then, after taking a breath, she finally spoke to me.

“I’m...disappointed in you, Roger,” she said simply, her eyes locked on mine. That stung far worse than anything else. I sighed.

“Tia, I’m sorry,” I said remorsefully. “I know it was a silly thing to do, but I just really wanted to get back at Rainbow; teach her some humility.”

I was about to go on, but Celestia held up a hoof, gesturing me to stop. I did so instantly, unwilling to draw her ire further.

“I’m disappointed,” she said, her princess mask now falling away as a smile graced her features. “That you didn’t bring me in on this.” I was speechless.

Celestia actually loves her pranks. It’s one of the few ways she can put ponies at ease around her, letting them see her as just Celestia, rather than a princess. But her jokes tend to be more long game, or subtle, in contrast to something brash and obvious, like organising a fake zombie apocalypse for instance. And she’d just got me. She’d had me sweating bullets, expecting her to tear my head off, when in reality, she found the whole situation deeply amusing. I couldn’t help but let out a laugh.

“Well, sorry, I figured that you’d be busy,” I replied.

“Too busy to have some fun and scare Rainbow Dash silly?” she asked. “Never. My duties as a princess may occupy much of my time, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a little fun every now and then.”

“Okay, then,” I agreed. “Next time Pinkie Pie gets the whole town in on a massively organised prank, you’ll be the first pony I call.” Celestia chuckled at that.

“I’m certainly glad to hear that,” she replied. Now suitably recovered from my fright, I turned back to business. I had a few cases to catch up on.

“Was there anything else, your highness?” I asked, now professional once more. Celestia smiled again.

“No, my loyal advisor, that will be all,” she replied, turning and heading toward the door.

With that, the alicorn departed, leaving me alone to continue in my work. Pulling a few pieces of paperwork out of one of my filing cabinets, I prepared to start on completing a few reports on some closed cases; matters that had been already settled by the courts.

But the moment I touched my fountain pen (a relatively rare sight in Equestria, where quills and pencils are more common), I was surprised to find back ink suddenly shoot out from the wrong end of the pen, splattering my face with black ink. After spluttering for a moment and composing myself, I examined the pen to see what had caused it to do that. The pen wasn’t a pen at all, it was one of those joke props.

Looking over to the small box that it had been sitting in, I noticed a small note, folded up in the case, picking it up, I opened it and saw a simple statement written in flowing hornwriting.

‘Gotcha – Tia’ it said. As I grabbed a tissue to wipe the ink away before it dried, I couldn’t help but laugh to myself. That was a prank I could find plenty funny. But there was only one response to this.

“Right, this means war, Time to reap the whirlwind, Tia.”

Chapter 6 - Immigration

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The cold wind whipped against my face, making me squint and causing my eyes to stream. It was bitterly cold, colder that anything I’d experienced in a long time. The temperature could only be a couple of degrees above freezing, maybe even below it. And even in all the cold winter wear I had on, I was still painfully aware of that.

I was currently riding in a chariot, pulled by two pegasi of the Royal Guard and I was heading as far north as most ponies dared to venture. I was heading up to the Crystal Empire; a protectorate of Equestria that, despite its name, was merely a city state. Sitting in almost of dead centre of the icy Frozen North, the Crystal Empire was home to the crystal ponies. However, while the frozen tundra we were flying over was almost devoid of life, the city itself was not all that different than what you’d expect to find in central Equestria. The climate was warm and temperate, with what weather there was maintained by the local weather patrols.

How was this possible you ask? It was all down to their Crystal Heart; a magical artifact which put out a vast shield that covered the city and the surrounding land, protecting it from both the harsh weather and the small nation’s enemies.

The only problem was that it was a relatively isolated place. There were only two ways to get there. On the one hand, you could take the train, but at this point in the year, the line was virtually impassable without a snowplough engine in front, and even then the crossing could be dicey. The other option was what I was doing; flying. The only problem there though, was that at altitude, you not only had to put up with snow and cold temperatures, but also the fantastically powerful and essentially uncontrollable snowstorms. These were powerful enough that even Celestia and Luna could only keep them at bay for a short time. A normal flight of weather pegasi would be frozen to death.

Now, I was alive due to the magic enchantment that had been placed on the chariot, protecting both me and the two pegasi guards pulling it through the sky. But it only helped marginally. I was still wrapped up like Captain Oats making for the South Pole. And if it got much colder I’d be going out for a walk too.

Anyway, why was I going this far north you ask? Well I’d been summoned by both Twilight and Princess Cadence. You see, they had something of a legal issue on their hooves. And what with the Crystal Empire, and consequently all their legal experts, being about one thousand years behind the times, they’d asked for me to come and help. And so, here I was, ten thousand feet up, barely able to feel my fingers.

Contrary to what people think I don’t just deal with serious cases of ponies breaking the law. The law covers a whole lot more than just 'don’t stab your neighbour in the face with a screwdriver'. I dealt with all sorts of issues, ranging from finance, to building projects, trade, and even international matters. Today though, I was dealing with that thorny issue; immigration. It’s not as common in this world as it was back on Earth. Given that there are fewer countries and even fewer ones in turmoil, creatures here only tend to emigrate somewhere by choice, and quite legally too. You certainly don’t see the problem of swarms of refugees from the third world’s latest attempt at trying to be civilised. More often that not, griffons, ponies, and other creatures move somewhere either for work, or purely because they would like to live somewhere new. You definitely don’t get the issue of the so-called ‘economic migrant’ either, who just wants to jump the queue and spin you some sob story about how hard it was for him to leave his stable job and country to come and live with twenty other idiots in a council house built for a family of three.

Sorry, guess I’m showing my bias there.

Anyway, yes, immigration. I’d been called in to help the crystal ponies because they had a rather unique immigration case on their hooves. They had a changeling, requesting political asylum. I’m sure you can imagine how surprised I was when I read that in Cadence’s letter.

You see, a few days before, Twilight and Spike had gone to visit the Crystal Empire, and found the place under lockdown. Apparently, there’d been a sighting of a changeling in the city. Apart from Strong Shield and my own Charlie, nopony had seen one of those bugs since they made an attempt at attacking Canterlot a few years before we even arrived. The fear was that this was a scout. After all ,the last time these buggers had shown up, they’d replaced Princess Cadence with an imposter. Shining in particular believed that this drone was trying to gather intelligence, and possibly look to replace someone in the imperial government. That could be just as catastrophic as actual massed attack.

So she and Spike (remember, Spike is a national hero up here) had offered to help the Crystal Guard track down the bug. Spike had bumped into him almost by accident.

And that was where things got a little weird.

Changelings, as a rule, don’t really chat much with ponies. They prefer to attack, capture and stuff you into a cocoon, and drain the love right out of you. This one though, didn’t seem up for that. If anything, he seemed just as afraid as Spike was, if not more so.

After the initial shock of bumping into each other, this changeling introduced himself as Thorax. He explained he was a runaway, a deserter, from Chrysalis’ hive. He’d left the Changeling Kingdom and done his utmost to get as far away as he could. Consequently, he’d found himself in the Crystal Empire. But with little food, he was close to starving, hence why he’d ventured near to the pony settlement.

Now that, on it’s own, wasn’t exactly unheard of. What was weird was Thorax’s personality. He wasn’t like other changelings. He was meek, timid, and seemed to have little interest in ‘hunting’ ponies for food. He didn’t seem like a normal changeling. This was why he’d left the hive. In the aftermath of the incursion, he’d tried to convince other changelings that stealing love was not the way to go about living. Consequently, he’d drawn Chrysalis’ ire and left the hive to save his chitin.

Spike had helped Thorax and, after a very rocky introduction with Shining, Cadence and Twilight, they’d agreed that his intentions were peaceful, and that he genuinely was fleeing the Changeling Kingdom. After a bit of a sing-song by Spike, Cadence had offered to grant him citizenship in the Crystal Empire.

That’s a nice idea, isn’t it? Well, it would be if the Crystal Empire’s laws weren’t still a good millennia out of date. There was no precedent to admit a changeling like that. A thousand years ago, there wasn’t such a thing as asylum. And guess who now needed to straighten the whole thing out.

The problem was, for all intents and purposes, Thorax was stateless. Exiled from his homeland, which didn’t exactly have the concept of passports and visas anyway, he needed a way to have some sort of documentation to allow him to make a claim for asylum. Normally, it wasn’t possible, at least not in most nations, for a person to become stateless, but it was the case for this unlucky bug.

Luckily, there was a precedent for this situation back in Equestria. You see, when me and my family arrived here, we didn’t exactly have all our papers in order for the border patrol. We’d been brought here by forces beyond our control and were unable to return. We’d been granted Equestrian citizenship by royal decree. Technically, Cadence could do the same.

However, there’d been a few murmurs when we all got our papers, on account of the fact that we were humans. How do you think ponies would react to a changeling, a creature that feeds on love, living in a place that needs it to survive?

So, Celestia and I had sat down to plan this all out. I would go to the Empire as her representative. One of the alicorn’s biggest goals at present was to secure a peace treaty with the changelings. With Chrysalis, this seemed fairly impossible. But with this notion of rogue changelings leaving the hive because they disagreed with her, that changed things quite a bit. If nothing else, as Strong Shield put it, the drone was an intelligence gold mine. We would still be taking precautions, one of my jobs here would be to debrief the changeling. After all, defectors can never be entirely trusted. If I was satisfied that he was on the up and up, then I could start the process of making him a citizen of Equestria. With that in hand, Thorax could apply for citizenship in the Crystal Empire. Celestia, you see, had the political clout to push such a notion through, and the nobles would hardly mind if the changeling was living far away from then. And on the flip side, the Imperial government’s objectors could then no longer refuse to allow Thorax to stay.

All in all, it was quite a clever little plan. If I’m honest, I was rather keen to meet this Thorax chap myself. I’d read Twilight’s reports, but I wanted to see for myself just what this changeling was like. Needless to say, he was not what I was expecting.

Eventually, after a long and bloody freezing cold flight through snow and hail, we broke through the clouds and I felt warm sunlight on my exposed skin. We had entered the borders of the empire. In the place of icy wastelands were beautiful rolling meadows and the glittering city itself. I quickly began to peel off my heavy winter clothing. I was quickly starting to get too hot for comfort now that we’d crossed into a warmer climate.

In short order, we began to descend towards the city, touching down in front of the Crystal Palace itself. Shining Armor, Prince of the Crystal Empire and captain of the Crystal Guard was waiting for me, along with a few official looking ponies in suits. I smiled as I hoped out of the carriage to greet my old friend.

“Shining!” I said, taking his offered hoof in hand. “Good to see you, mate. Good to see you. How have you been?”

“Well, I’m a lot better now that you’re here, Roger,” he said with just as much friendliness. “The city’s been on edge for days. Things are only just starting to relax. The sooner we get this all resolved, the better.” I nodded as I grabbed my briefcase full of files.

“Yeah, I’m right with you there. So where have you been keeping him?”

“Twiley had him put up in one of the castle suites. I've got a guard on him to keep up appearances, but other than that, he’s been left to his own devices.”

“Good,” I said with a nod as we started for the palace. The chariot quickly took off again to park up somewhere. “Have you told him I’m coming?”

“No, I got your letter about that. All he knows is that somepony from Canterlot is coming to speak with him. He doesn’t know anything about humans.”

“Perfect. When you bring me in, I want you to act a little uneasy, as if you’ve seen me kick off before. I want him just a little scared.” Shining barked a laugh.

“Well, that shouldn’t be too hard. Thorax seems more like a stallion version of Fluttershy than anything else.”

Walking into the palace, we started up one of several large staircases, a holdover from the castle’s previous owner. I could never understand how Shining could live in here. Everything was reflective and shining. The place must be a beggar to heat too.

“Why do you want to freak him out anyway?” Shining asked as we made our way through a corridor. “Twilight and Cadence have already agreed that Thorax means no harm.”

“You ever met a double agent, Shining?” I asked. He shook his head.

“That’s why I want to rattle him a bit.”

We soon arrived at the door. There were two guards outside, dressed in the ornate purple armour of the Crystal Guard. The pair saluted Shining as he approached, and stepped aside to let us both in.

In all honesty, I was fairly sure that this Thorax was on the level. Changelings, whilst great at disguise, are not particularly skilled actors. Fear is not a common emotion among their species. If he really was this scared, then his story made sense. Still, I was not about to let a current enemy claim citizenship without satisfying myself first.

Time for a few mind games.

Opening the doors, I found myself in a well furnished one bedroom suite, not all that different from the ones in Canterlot. In the centre of the room was a long crystal table. Evidently, this room was used for conferences and meetings. Thorax was currently sitting in one of the right hand side chairs down the far end.

He looked, for the most part, like an ordinary changeling; black chitin, blue eyes with no pupils and holed legs. However, his body language told a different story. When you’ve been in the job I have, you get a feel for reading people, seeing guilt or innocence. Right now, he looked like a frightened little foal.

That fear only increased when he looked up and saw me. While I'm not intimidating back home, at just under six feet, with decidedly un-equine features, I had the ability to scare a few ponies on first meeting them. Thorax even recoiled slightly as I walked in, with Shining following behind. As I’d asked, he put on the act of being slightly fearful, something that doesn’t come naturally to the gallant knight commander.

Stalking over to the opposite end of the table. I looked Thorax dead in the eye.

“You are Thorax?” I asked in a hard tone. The changeling nodded.

“Y-y-yes,” he stammered. “Who-who-who are you?”

“The legal advisor to the diarchy,” I replied. “I’m sorry to inform you that after careful consideration, your request for political asylum has been denied. You’ll be escorted from here and taken back to the Changeling Kingdom today.”

Both Shining and Thorax gasped in shock. I’d deliberately not told Shining to make his reaction more believable and cover up any tell on my part. What was I doing you ask? I was taking a leap out of old Sombra’s book, and showing Thorax his worst fear. He didn't hesitate, there was no thought behind his actions, just blind panic and terror. I could see the fear in his eyes. He was genuinely terrified of returning.

As Thorax started babbling, with even a few tears appearing, I coldly walked out of the room, a shocked Shining following me. I’d give him a minute to compose himself and then go back in. At least, that’s what I would have done.

I barely had a chance to turn around before Shining leapt at me. Jumping up onto his hind legs, he was about eye level with me. With his front hooves, he pinned me against the far wall, a look of absolute fury on his face. I might be taller than most ponies, but he was way stronger.

“What the hay is wrong with you?!” he shouted. “You can’t threaten to send him back! We have no reason to. What, is it because he’s a bug? Huh?!”

“Easy, Shining!” I shot back. “I’m not doing anything of the sort. I needed to do something to get him to show his true colours. You saw in there, he was terrified.”

“Yeah! I wonder why? You could have at least told me what you were planning.”

At this point, Shining relaxed a little, and I used the moment to push him off me. We stared each other down.

“If I’d told you, your reaction wouldn’t have been so believable. I needed Thorax to believe we were sending him back.”

“But why?” Shining persisted.

“Because changelings can’t act for toffee. That little show in there proved beyond anything that Thorax is what he claims to be.”

Shining snorted and paced for a moment. While on the one hand, I could tell he was furious with me for pulling that little stunt, he could also see the merit in it. Eventually, he turned back to me.

“Are there any more surprises I should know about?” he asked. I shook my head.

“No. I’m happy,” I replied. “I’ll go back in in a minutes and introduce myself and explain what’s happening. Then we can meet with your immigration people and get this thing started.

And son, a few minutes later, I returned to the badly shaken Thorax. Any niggling doubts I’d had before were satisfied. Not that I was about to distrust the word of the Princess of Friendship, never mind the saviour of the Crystal Empire. This marked a game changer. Strong Shield might have switched sides, but he was still a changeling at heart; a predator. Thorax was different, more pony than changeling.

As I walked back into the room, I made sure to fully drop my earlier act. My gait was looser, my expression softened, and my body language far more relaxed and friendly. Still, Thorax recoiled as I walked in.

“I’m not going back!” he wailed desperately. “You’ll have to drag me kicking and screaming all the way.” I held both both hands in an effort to calm him.

“It’s alright, Thorax,” I said kindly. “You’re not going anywhere.” The confusion gave me enough time to sit down with him, although he still kept his distance from me. Time to be more honest.

“I’m...sorry about that just now,” I said, meaning it, and struggling to look him in the eye. “But I had to be sure of your intentions. We both know that your species are masters of deception. It was the quickest, if not the gentlest way to prove that what you’d told Twilight and Spike was true.”

Calling over a guard, I asked him to fetch up a pot of tea. Tea makes everything better.

“My name is Roger,” I said, introducing myself. “And as I said, I’m Princess Celestia’s legal advisor. She sent me here to help you with your request for political asylum. I’ll be guiding you through the process and helping you get set up as a citizen of the Crystal Empire.” Thorax now brightened up.

“You mean I get to stay here?” he asked, any fears now replaced with child-like glee. I nodded.

“Yes,” I replied. “You’d be in danger if you returned to your homeland. So Equestria and the Crystal Empire will take you in. For the time being, you’ll be living here in the palace under the supervision of Shining and Cadence. They’ll help you adjust to the way ponies live. It will be difficult, but I’m sure you’ll manage.”

“Wow, when do I start?” he asked. Ah, now the awkward part.

“Well, before we can get to that,” I said carefully. “There’s one small matter that must be attended to. You were a drone in Chrysalis’ army. As a soldier of a foreign, hostile power, that makes you a defector. Before we can let you go, I’ll need to debrief you.”

“Debrief me?” Thorax parroted.

“I need you to tell me everything you know about the state of the Changeling Kingdom; defences, government, size, anything you know about Chrysalis, and any potential plans they might be making. Just start by telling me what life was like in the hive,” Thorax thought for a moment.

“But why?” I sighed and looked the changeling in the eye.

“At the moment, your country and mine are bitter enemies. But the princesses wish to see a lasting peace between our peoples. In order to achieve that, we need to understand you, and also prepare for Chrysalis’ next move. Forewarned is forearmed as they say.”

“But, I was just a drone,” Thorax replied. “Most changelings avoided me anyway. I don’t know anything like that.”

“Then just tell me what you do know. Tell me about your life there. I’ll do the rest.”

And so, Thorax started talking.

Unfortunately for me, while Thorax did have a lot to say, not much of it was particularly useful. As I’d said to him, we knew a fair bit about changeling society from Strong Shield. He was able to give me a bit of information on what it was currently like in the hive, but his more pony like nature seemed to be an anomaly unique to him. All other changelings seemed to be driven by the need to feed and fight and little else. He was like a nerdy kid in a world full of sports fans.

I was able to dig out one interesting piece of information, and that related to his brother. While Thorax was way down the bottom of the ladder, his older brother, Pharynx I believe, was actually the head of their military forces, at least in terms of patrolling their kingdom. He was even supposedly involved in planning the attack on Canterlot. Maybe SMILE could do something with that; use Thorax to draw him out; he wasn’t the ace of spades in our deck of important players, but as a senior figure in their military, his...removal, would have quite the impact. I considered pitching the idea to Shining. After all, I’d done jobs like that before with higher ups in the IRA or Sinn Fein. With the right ponies, it could be done.

Aside from that though, all I learned was that Thorax had serious mommy issues and had an incredible skill to talk without saying anything. He droned, if you’ll excuse the pun, on for hours until he finally came to an end. Asset or not, I was coming close to wringing his neck just to shut him up.

With his debriefing over, we moved on to other matters, namely his acceptance as a citizen. There wasn’t too much in the way of paperwork for me to do. While my job involves plenty, ponies aren’t nearly as bureaucratic as humans. However, he would have to go before a board to plead his case. In reality, it was just a formality. Celestia had granted Thorax asylum in Equestria by royal decree. You’d have to be mad or catastrophically stupid to object. Celestia may be a kind, loving mother figure, but she’s still the highest authority in the land; master under God as the old world would have put it. Still, Thorax wasn’t exactly coping well with the idea. Among other things, he’s terrified of meeting new ponies. Honestly, he reminded me partly of Sunburst, and partly of my own son when he was younger.

“Come on, Thorax,” I pleaded earnestly. “It’s just five or ten minutes explaining to them just what you told me; nothing more.”

“But what if they refuse and want to send me back?” Thorax asked, again verging on tears.

“They won’t,” I said, trying to reassure him. “It’s all just a formality. You spin them your yarn, they accept, you take the loyalty oath, sign the paperwork, and bob’s your uncle.”

“It’s all just so adversarial though,” he whined. Oh for the love of Celestia!

“You’ll be fine,” I said. “I’ll be right there beside you to help you out if needed.” I was starting to run out of patience. “Now please, stop trying to disguise yourself as a vase.”

In an effort to avoid going before the board, he’d vanished in a flash of magic and turned himself into an innocuous object in the room. Luckily, he was easy to find.

“How did you know I was the vase?” Thorax asked awkwardly as green fire washed over him, returning him to his normal form.

“Vases don’t quiver with fear, Thorax,” I answered.

With that, I took him by the foreleg and led him out into the corridor. Just to be safe, he changed his appearance into that of one Crystal Hoof, the foal persona he and Spike had, as you might have guessed by the name, made up on the spot to fool Twilight. This would take ten minutes, tops.

In the end, it actually took about twenty minutes for the immigration review board to come to a unanimous decision. Evidently, one of the crystal ponies sitting on it had something of a death wish and actually tried to block Thorax’s perfectly legitimate claim. I actually had to butt in a couple of times to quote law at him to show just how far off the mark he was. In the end though, it only took a withering glare from Cadence, which actually did look quite intimidating, despite her appearance as the pink love pony.

The whole thing was signed off and all that remained was for Thorax to take the loyalty oath. It’s not like the Americans’ weird pledge of allegiance that you recite as a child every day, pledging loyalty to fatherland and fuhrer; just a one time oath that promises you’ll abide by Equestria’s laws and not try and stab us all in the back. As Celestia’s legal advisor, I was the one to take Thorax through it.

Getting up from the desk we’d been standing at, I led him over to a smaller desk. On the wall was the banner of the empire and the imperial coat of arms. I turned to the meek little changeling.

“Raise your right hoof for me, Thorax,” I said. He did as he was bidden. “Okay, repeat after me. I Thorax.”

“I Thorax,” he repeated.

“Do solemnly swear.”

“That on becoming an Equestrian citizen.”

“I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to their Most Celestial Majesties Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.”

“And their heirs and successors, according to the law.”

“I will give my full loyalty to the Realm of Equestria and respect it’s rights and freedoms.”

“I will uphold harmony.”

“I will observe it’s laws faithfully.”

“And fulfill my duties and obligations as a citizen of the Realm of Equestria.”

And with that, it was done. It was all smiles, hoof shakes and even the odd photograph for the evening papers. Thorax was now officially a citizen of Equestria, and the first that was openly a changeling.

My mind couldn’t help but drift back to the old days, back in Belfast, when I, as a young man, had taken a similar oath.

I had sworn before almighty God, with a gun in one hand and scripture in the other, that I would bear true allegiance to Queen Elizabeth the Second, rightful Queen of Northern Ireland, and serve the Ulster Volunteer Force faithfully as an officer, suppressing Republican dissent and resisting the Catholic church, commit myself to the destruction of the IRA and all those who supported it, and that I would not lay down my arms until the rebellion was defeated.

I’d broken with that oath a long time ago. In many ways, it still bothered me. If a man’s word is no good, then what is left of him? On the other, what man would ask a friend to take such an oath as that? In any case, I’d been more than happy to take this oath. I didn’t look on it as empty words. I had meant every bit of it when I’d recited it myself before Celestia.

And so, with that, Thorax became a citizen. He would be staying in the castle for the time being. While he was in no real danger, it would take time for him to get used to living in pony society. And if nothing else, in Flurry Heart he had a near limitless source of food that he could take safely and without force. The little foal even seemed to like him.

In any case, my work was done, and it was time to head back through the biting cold back to Canterlot. With a good tailwind, we’d be just in time for me to catch the train home for the evening.

I left Thorax in the company of Shining Armor and prepared to head on my way. However, as I walked out into the corridor, I was joined by Princess Cadence. I’m good friends with the Princess of Love. The two of us even conspired a while back to finally help my apparently blind and dead inside son realise that Applejack liked him as more than just a friend.

“Ah, Roger. I was hoping I could catch you before you left.”

“Hello to you too, Cadence,” I said, offering a brief bow out of courtesy. “I’ve just finished up with the citizenship ceremony. So Thorax is a citizen now. I think you’ll have two kids running around the castle.” Cadence chuckled at that.

“So, what can I do for you?” I asked, leaning against the one wall.

“I just wanted to pick your brains a little,” she replied. “I was thinking about Aunt Celestia’s dream of reconciliation between ponies and changelings.” My smile fell a little.

“Well, I hate to break it to you, my dear,” I said. “But I’m not too hopeful. Thorax seems to be some sort of genetic anomaly. As far as he knows, there’s no other changelings like him. It’s why he left the hive.” The two of us now started to walk down the corridor.

“So you don’t think it will ever be possible?” she asked. I shook my head.

“No,” I replied. “Although it gives me no pleasure to say it. I’d love for the day to come when ponies aren’t looking under the beds for the love stealing bug monsters. They’re not evil, they’re just doing what they need to survive.”

“Celestia said that it might be possible for ponies and changelings to live together, in symbiosis.”

Ah yes, Celestia had talked about this with me many a time. As I said, changelings aren’t evil. Every creature needs food to survive. They live in a perpetual state of hunger too.

“The problem is Chrysalis,” I replied. “As long as she’s in charge, there’ll be no peace. She’s too proud, too arrogant to even consider the idea that ponies are something more than a food source. If she’s ever is overthrown, dies, or is killed, sure, there may be a chance. But for now any attempt at negotiation will fail before it begins. We have nothing she wants that she can’t take by force. And from what I learned from Thorax, the other changelings follow her without question.”

“It’s amazing,” Cadence commented. “We both have four legs, two eyes, two ears, and yet we can’t find a single piece of common ground.”

As we walked down the hallway, I picked out the sound of a child crying. Cadence looked up too and quickly changed her course.

“Oh, that’s Flurry Heart,” she said. “Do you mind if we keep talking while I settle her?” I shook my head.

“No, not at all. I’d love to see her anyway.”

And so we both ducked into Flurry’s nursery. She was quite the loud crier, I’ll give her that. Luckily, Cadence is a natural mother, and soon had the little filly calmed. That gave her an opportunity to notice me.

She certainly seemed to remembered me. Babbling in that odd baby language of hers, she levitated herself over to me. Just like before, she booped me on the nose, making me scrunch up my face for a moment. That just made her giggle and do it again. Eventually though, she got bored and let me cradle her for a moment. She was actually pretty adorable now that she was no longer classed as a serious magical hazard.

“Well,” I said. “Here’s hoping that when this little one grows up, your two species will be friends, rather than enemies.”

“You are right though,” Cadence said. “About Chrysalis I mean.” I made a fuss of Flurry.

“There’s an old saying, Cadence,” I replied. “Fairy tales don’t tell children that dragons exist. Children already know dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be slain. It doesn’t exactly work in Equestria, but you get what I’m saying. There’s always a way. Thirty years ago, I’d have never said that there’d be peace in Ireland. A decade ago, ponies would never have believed that the two sisters could reconcile. Anything is possible, given time.”

I looked down at Flurry again.

“When you’re all grown up, little lady,” I said. “The world will be a very different place. Hopefully, it will be better.” I then carefully passed her back to Cadence.

“Anyway,” I said. “I’d best be off. Drop me a line sometime to tell me how things are going with Thorax, and give me a shout if you have any problems.”

Cadence smiled and nodded as Flurry began to drop off to sleep in her arms, letting out an adorable little yawn as her eyes closed. I tiptoed out of the room, gently shutting the door behind me so as not to wake her again.

I got back to Canterlot in the early evening. Day Court had closed, and it would be a few hours yet before Luna opened up her own Night Court. For the time being, I had some free time. There was nothing Luna needed from me this evening, and Celestia had also had a relatively stress free day. I spent some time out on one of the castle’s balconies, looking out over the beautiful landscape.

My thoughts dwelled on the future, and what it held for both ponies and changelings. Could there ever be a peace? Thorax was proof that Celestia’s dream of symbiosis was possible. But he was only one little bug, with little influence over his fellow.

As I was busy pondering, I heard the signature pop sound of a teleport spell. Celestia, while competent in its use, seldom uses it to travel from room to room. There was only one draconequus I knew who preferred it as a way to enter a room.

“Hey, Discord,” I said calmly, leaning slightly on the balcony. The draconequus moved to join me in my pondering.

“You seem troubled, my friend,” he commented. “Did things not go well with the love bug?” I shook my head.

“No, they went great,” I replied. “He’s a citizen. He’s given up living his old life, stealing love. Now he’s going to share it.”

“Then what’s bothering you?” I shrugged.

“It’s a fool's errand,” I answered. “He doesn’t think like other changelings. Hell, he isn’t like other changelings at all. If this was one of their regular drones crossing the lines, I might be a bit more optimistic. But trying to reform their species, and Chrysalis in particular, it’s like banging your head against a brick wall.”

“And what’s wrong with that?” Discord asked. Snapping his talons, he summoned up a brick and mortar wall in front of him. “I do it all the time.” Thrash metal began to play as he banged his head against the mortar with a resounding thud each time.

“Well, for normal ponies, it hurts, Discord,” I replied with a laugh at his antics. “And it doesn’t accomplish much.”

At that, Discord snapped his talons, removing his little show, if not for one final bash. At that, a single brick in the centre shot out of its place, causing the whole structure to fracture and a moment later, collapse. Discord turned to me with a knowing smile.

“Never forget,” he said, pointing at the pile of chaotic rubble. “That in headbutting the wall, you may be loosening a brick.”

With that, he snapped his talons and again disappeared, leaving behind only that single dislodged brick. To my surprise, it now bore a striking resemblance to Thorax.

Chapter 7 - Guys' Night

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One of the many things that sets Equestria apart from my old home, apart from the magic, monsters, talking animals, the fact that the sun revolves around the planet by way of magic, and weather and other natural phenomena are controlled artificially, is the gender ratio. Back on Earth, the gender split was pretty even down the middle. In Equestria though, I’d say it’s more like two to one, or maybe even three to one in favour of the ladies. Ponyville in particular seems to be particularly skewed towards mares rather than stallions. Most ponies in authority are female, the princesses for example, as well.

Mind you, that’s not to say that this is some sort of matriarchy, far from it in fact. Gender it seems, doesn’t really seem to factor much into the lives of ponies. As in humans, males are larger and stronger as a rule, but they don’t see females as lesser. And at the same time, while the princesses might be female, males do still hold positions of authority, such as myself or Shining Armor. Gender issues and the glass ceiling don’t seem to have been a thing at any time in Equestria’s history.

All in all, it makes for a pleasant change from home, with misogynistic tossers on one side, and misandrist feminists on the other, with everyone else stuck in the middle. Still, every now and again, you do have to admit, as a bloke, that ninety nine percent of the time, your rear end gets saved from some evil monster by six girls. That and we often don’t get a crack at the bad guys ourselves. While I’d never say it, it can feel a touch emasculating at times be left out of the fray.

Still, as I said, it’s no big deal really. It’s certainly made a lot of interactions in our daily lives easier. For example, I can say to Celestia ‘You look nice today’ without fearing getting fired for harassment.

Anyway, back to my point. As a rule, there usually isn’t too much for us gents to do. In particular, in Ponyville, Spike and Big Mac both regularly find themselves on the sidelines while their female friends and relatives go and save the day. And what with the greater female population, it can sometimes be a little bit hard to be a guy in this town. With so few of us around, it’s hard to find things to do together.

And that was the situation I found myself in on one Friday night. Margaret had gone off to the school to do her parents’ evening that happens every term. That had left me all by my lonesome with little to do. I was up to date on all my work and was looking forward to a long weekend. The only trouble is that it was going to be rather quiet. Being a little town, not much happens in Ponyville, aside from the odd monster attack or villain passing through on their way to take a rainbow to the face. I’ve tried going out to the local a few times. The trouble is, I’m not exactly what you’d call a bloke’s bloke. I’m not into hoofball, I’m too old to be chasing tail, and I don’t drink to excess. But sometimes though, a guy just wants to spend some time with other guys, away from the women, you know?

It was as I was pondering this that there was a knock at the door. I started for a moment; I wasn’t expecting anypony at this hour. And while the concept of home invasion is pretty much foreign to ponies, particularly here where half of them don’t lock their doors, I still have old habits when it comes to security.

Carefully getting up out of my chair, I walked over and retrieved the iron fire poker from its stand by the fireplace. Magic, monster, or whatever, most things go down if you smack them between the eyes with an iron bar. Glancing out of the window in the hallway by the door, I could see nopony. With the poker in a classic ready strike position (think of the way a sergeant-major would carry his stick) I unlocked the door. Opening it carefully I found…

Nothing, and nopony.

Well that was peculiar, wasn’t it? Here I was, on a mid-night dreary, and while I pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten Equestrian law. Then suddenly while almost napping ,there comes a tapping; a tapping at my house’s front door. An innocent visitor, I think, only this and nothing more. I fling it open and what do I find? Darkness there, and nothing more.

Slightly irritated, but also perplexed, I frowned to myself and looked around. I’d definitely heard something. But the road by the house was deserted, and there was no sign of anypony else abroad. And by the light of the moon, I could see quite a ways as well. Shaking my head, I closed the front door and again and prepared to head back to the living room. Curled up in front of the fire, Charlie, my changeling turned dog, whimpered and growled slightly at the interruption. Sitting down again, I was about to go back to my reading. But then, once again, I heard a tapping, somewhat louder than before.

Now half suspecting something was seriously up, I didn’t pause on my way. I figured it was probably those two stupid colts Snips and Snails trying to play a prank. Opening the door, I was caught off guard as a bird flew past my head. Pivoting upwards into a climb, it hovered just above the top of the door frame. And then, in a voice I well recognised it said;

“Hey, where’s the bust of Pallas? I’ve got nowhere to perch here!”

Looking up in only mild confusion at this latest offering the very left field, I realised that this bird, a crow I might add, had red and yellow eyes.

“Discord,” I said with a smile as I tried to avoid laughing. “It’s meant to be a raven, not a crow.”

Frowning, which looked most odd on the rigid beak of a bird, Discord snapped one of his talons turned feathers and reappeared in front of me in his usual form.

“Well, at least you’re a stallion of culture and got the reference, I suppose,” he said.

“Uh-huh,” I replied. “And the reason you felt the need to annoy me and then enter my house using the means described in an Edgar Allen Poe poem is?”

“What?” Discord replied. “I can’t drop in to see a friend?”

“Well, you usually just appear on my sofa and steal a beer from the fridge,” I countered.

“Exactly!” he said. “It’s high time I showed you a good time for a change.”

Shutting my front door again, I led discord back into the living room. Charlie growled at him. The pair have never seen eye to eye, but Discord knows better than to do anything to him. I took my seat back in my armchair.

“Discord,” I said. “The last time you showed me a good time, I woke on my front lawn, hungover as all hell and barred from the city of Las Pegasus.”

“But you had fun though. It’s Friday night for goodness sake. Two guys like us should be out painting the town all sorts of varying colours, not sitting in front of a warm fire reading old law books.”

Sighing to myself, I set my book down. I’ve known Discord a few years now, and I know when he wants something.

“Alright, I’ll bite,” I said resignedly. “What do you want to do, and how many felonies does it involve?”

“Why none, my dear boy,” he replied in an offended tone. “I was just going to invite you to join Spike, Big Mac and me in their weekly Guys’ Night.”

“Your what?” I asked.

“Oh, it’s just a little get together,” Discord elaborated. “It started as just Spike and Big Mac getting some time away from their sisters and parent figures. But they let me join in a couple of weeks back. And I think you would benefit from some time away from here too.”

On paper, it sounded like a perfectly sensible idea. But this was Discord we were talking about. He’s my best friend, but he does have this annoying knack for causing chaos that usually ends with me holding that baby.

On the other hand though, I was bored rigid, and I wouldn’t mind saying hello to Spike and Big Mac.

“Okay, why not?” I relented. “So where are they, pub, bowling alley?” Discord shook his head.

“No, it’s all at Twilight’s castle,” he said.

Snapping his talons, the two of us were instantly teleported there. As usual with Discord’s teleportation spells, my stomach did a back flip and my vision swam for a moment. I considered telling him off, but settling for just scowling at him half seriously.

I found myself in the map room in the castle, that is, where the round map table and the six thrones are all located. At the moment, the map was deactivated and the only occupants were Spike and Mac, who were sitting in a couple of the chairs. On the table, there seemed to be all sorts of papers, sheets, a few pencils as well as some crude paper figurines and a few dice.

After getting my balance back, I walked over to the pair, who seemed to be engaged in some very important discussions. The sheets of paper they had in hand were all charts, with annotations here and there.

“So what’s all this then?” I asked, causing the pair to look up from their work. Spike looked surprised for a moment before smiling.

“Oh, hey Roger,” he said. “Big Mac and Discord were playing O&O with me.”

“O&O?” I asked.

“Ogres and Oubliettes,” Big Mac explained in his deep, rumbling baritone. “It’s a role playing game. We each create a character to play as, and then we all make our way through an adventure, fighting monsters along the way.”

“Oh, so it’s like Dungeons and Dragons back on Earth?” I asked. Spike chortled.

“Dungeons and Dragons? That sounds like a rip off to me.” I rolled my eyes at the little drake’s antics.

I had actually played a little bit many years ago with a few friends I had in the police. Yes, the 6’6 bald headed knuckle dragging thumpers apparently love D&D. I’d only play a couple games with them, and not really gotten the hang of it, but I knew the basics.

“C’mon, Spike,” I replied. “You know there’s all sorts of similarities between Earth and Equestria. This is just another one of those odd little similarities. Anyway, who’s running the game anyway?”

“I am,” Discord proclaimed. Turning around, I discovered that he’d made himself a new costume. It was a sort of Robin Hood getup, and he now carried a bow and a quiver of arrows. “And boy do I have an adventure for you three tonight. First things first though. Roger, we need to get your character created.”

And I so, I found myself in this pony version of Dungeons and Dragons. Discord was the DM, or dungeon master, and controlled all the non player characters, as well as the events of the story. He, Spike and Mac were already a ways through a campaign of adventures, so my character, once created, would be written in to join their party.

So I set to work on creating my avatar. First things first, I needed to pick race and a class for the character. Since Spike was already a mage and Mac was a paladin, I decided to go down the rogue route, as a human (which Discord allowed); weak hit points, but fast and good at sneaking and scouting. For the name, I went with my old family name, Rowain. His background was that he was a disgraced soldier turned smuggler, who could be hired by Spike’s party as a mercenary. His moral alignment was neutral evil, meaning that he wasn’t evil for the sake of it, nor was he corrupt, he was just a nasty son of a bitch who would gladly switch sides for the right price.

After that, Spike rolled four six sided dice for start calculating my attribute scores. I ended up with modest strength, high dexterity and intelligence, modest charisma and wisdom, and weak constitution, which further added to his backstory of being wounded in battle. After adding the racial stat modifiers for a pony, which helped out the weak constitution, I then went on to select skills.

While Spike was helping me with all this, the game was still going on. Discord was overseeing things while Big Mac continued to play. Once I was all set up, Discord would have Spike and Mac’s characters meet him to let me enter the adventure. I went for things that fitted my character, like stealth. I then selected Rowain’s feats, which were mainly combat focused. I then worked out my starting gold and purchased my equipment. Finally, all there remained to do was note down all the armour and combat bonuses on the character sheet.

With everything complete, I passed my sheet off to Discord for approval. He took it in his lion paw and ran a practiced eye over it.

“Hmm, not too bad for a first attempt,” he said at length. “A little edgy perhaps, but so are most first time players. In any case, I’ll think you’ll fit in nicely, Rowain. Pull up a chair and we’ll work you into the adventure.”

So I followed Spike and took my seat in one of the six thrones around the map. Spike was already in his chair next to Twilight’s. Mac was in Applejack’s and Discord was in Fluttershy’s. So to keep closer to each other, I borrowed Rarity seat. Despite being made of crystal, they were surprisingly comfy. Although as they were suited for ponies, I had to sit sort of Indian fashion to be comfortable.

Due to the fact that the map table is pretty solid, there wasn’t really anywhere to stretch my legs. Still, the high back was perfectly suited to me.

Having settled myself down, Discord, or Captain Wuzz to use his character name, took us to the next encounter. I allowed my mind’s eye to transport me from the castle to this adventure. As such, I’ll address the characters by their names in-game.

“Alright,” he said, “Garbunkle, Sir McBiggun, having made your way through the swamps and defeated the hydras within, you now arrive at the small settlement of Kinwick. Inhabited by earth ponies, it serves as a trading post on the road to the great capital of Discordia, there is a merchant here where you may purchase supplies, as well as a blacksmith and a tavern. How do you proceed?”

I expected Spike to speak next to tell Discord what move he wanted to make. To my surprise though, before he had a chance to speak, Discord snapped his talons. All of us were engulfed in a bright flash of light. And when it receded we found ourselves far away from the cosy confines of Twilight’s castle.

I found myself standing in what seemed to be a small village, populated by two dimensional paper figurines that flittered to and fro. It was a lot like Ponyville, only with a much darker vibe to it, and the fact that everything seemed to have a hand drawn quality to it.

I had changed as well, my clothes were gone, replaced by the outfit I’d selected for my character; a little something based off one of those Assassin’s Creed games my son used to love. I looked around in surprise, and saw and equally changed Spike and Big Mac across the square, with an unchanged Discord beside them.

“Discord!” I snapped. “What the hell?!”

“It’s okay, Roger,” Spike called out. “Discord’s been doing this for us ever since he joined the group. Instead of just role playing ,we actually play out our adventure.”

“Don’t worry,” Discord added with a smile. “I’ve added a few safety features. You can’t be hurt or feel too much pain. This is just me using my magic for a bit of good, clean fun.” I was dumbstruck.

“So, what,” I asked. “You three take part in real adventures in this fantasy world?” The trio nodded. “Cool!”

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t mind an RPG tabletop game, but this was something else. I guess it also showed how far Discord had come in his reformation. It certainly made my evening a lot more interesting all of a sudden, I can tell you!

Having quickly chatted together for a moment, Discord had me head back over to the tavern across the square, leaving himself, Spike and Big Mac to begin the next part of their adventure. Spike, or rather Garbunkle, turned to Sir McBiggun.

“Well, your spear took a real pounding in the hydra’s maw Sir McBiggun,” Garbunkle said, gesturing to the warping of the metal. “We found a fair bit of gold on that spider creature back in Darkhaven. Why don’t we spend it to get you something a bit more powerful like a halberd?

“Eeyup,” Sir McBiggun agreed, taking a sad look at his damaged weapon.

“Then we go to the blacksmith’s to forge a new weapon for Sir McBiggun,” Garbunkle said as the pair crossed the small town square.

“As you cross the square,” Discord went on. “You hear a commotion coming from the tavern. It sounds like there’s a fight going on inside. Do you want to see what is going on?”

“Eeyup,” Sir McBiggun said, quickly crossing back and heading for the source of the noise. Bursting in through the door, the noise suddenly stopped as all eyes turned to the newcomers. Discord explained the situation.

“As you enter the now quiet tavern, you see two deer fighting over the favour of a pretty doe. They are clashing horns again and again as the patrons cheer them on and money changes hooves. In the far corner of the room though, you see two creatures seemingly uninterested in the bout. One is a large, intimidating looking changeling, dressed in an ostentatious outfit. The other is a human, he is a little larger than his counterpart, and dressed in worn clothes, although you notice a short sword resting against his side that is in beautiful condition. It does him little use though, since the changeling has a flintlock pistol, cocked and ready, resting on the wooden table.”

“Going somewhere, Rowain?” the changeling asked as I went to get up to join Garbunkle and Sir McBiggun.

“Yes, Amaz,” I replied, sitting back down again. “I was just going to see your boss. Tell Phase that I’ve got the money.” The big bug rasped at me.

“It’s too late. You should have paid him when you had the chance. Phase put a price on your head so large, every bounty hunter for miles will be looking for you. I’m lucky I found you first.”

“Yeah, but this time, I’ve got the money,” I replied, feigning nonchalance.

“If you give it to me, I might forget I found you,” Amaz said with a twisted grin.

“I don’t have it with me!” I replied crossly. “Tell Phase...”

“Phase is through with you!” Amaz snapped back. I slowly went to reach for the throwing dagger that I kept on my belt, close to the small of my back. “He has no time for smugglers who drop their shipment at the first sign of a guard patrol.” I rolled my eyes.

“Even I get caught sometimes,” I replied, still carefully reaching for the weapon. “Do you think I had a choice?”

“You can tell that to Phase. He may only take your wagon.” Now I scowled at the audacious bug.

“Over my dead body,” I replied coldly, keeping a close eye on the pistol that still rested on the table, pointing at me.

“That’s the idea,” Amaz replied, tensing the trigger on the pistol in his green magic. “I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time, Rowain.” He smiled, and I smiled back. Now or never.

“Yes, I’ll bet you have.”

With one fluid movement, I hurled the throwing dagger at him with my left hand. Before he even had a chance to react, the little dagger had impaled him neatly between the eyes. Out of reflex, he pulled the trigger, but the shot went wild, missing me by miles. The smoke from the powder hung in the air as he pivoted forward, dead. The whole place went quiet, the two newcomers looking on in shock

Sighing to myself, I got up and collected my things. Pausing at Amaz’s side I took the handle of the dagger in my hand and gave a firm tug to pull it back out of his skull. It was stained with green blood and brain matter, which now oozed onto the wooden table. Pocketing the weapon, I turned to go, pausing only to speak to the bartender.

“Sorry about the mess,” I said awkwardly as I walked out.

Garbunkle and Sir McBiggun stared on dumbstruck at the sudden display as I made my way outside into the damp air of the swamplands.

“Wow,” Garbunkle said, turning to his unicorn companion. “Did you see that?”

“Eeyup,” Sir McBiggun said in earnest agreement.

“That guy killed that changeling without even blinking. And from what it sounds like, he knows this area really well too.” Discord agreed.

“The human is a resident smuggler,” he explained. “Running contraband across the border for the local crime lords. But a lost shipment has drawn their ire, and now he needs to escape to pastures new. You could ask him to join your party as a mercenary.”

“He certainly would help us getting through Sharpdale Woods,” Garbunkle said. “If the two of us go in alone, we’re probably going to get caught out by one of the mimics or any other number of traps, never mind the guard patrols that are on the lookout for wizards like me. What do you, Sir McBiggun, should we try to hire him?”

“Eeyup.”

And so we all played along in the little scene. I won’t bore you with too much of the details. Long story short, I, or rather, Rowain, agreed to join the party for twenty gold; a pretty modest sum, but still a decent boost considering how much of my starting gold I spend on kit. I agreed to help the pair through the treacherous woodlands that my character knew so well.

After that, the adventure really kicked off. It would have been fun enough playing it on the tabletop. But as it was, it was even more incredible to actually live the adventure, minus the disadvantages that come with being perilously close to sixty. In Discord’s game world, it was like I was a young man again, and of course, I had the skills of my game character. I might have a few tricks up my sleeve, but I’ve no experience in sword fighting or knife throwing like I did in the game.

Then again, the same could be said for Spike and Big Mac. Aside from breathing fire, which actually wasn’t a skill Spike’s character possessed in the game, Spike had little experience in magic aside from what he learned from Twilight. Nor did Big Mac have any experience in what it was like to be a unicorn. But that was the point, wasn’t it? It was all a fantasy, an escape from our mundane (well, sort of, if you count playing D&D with a dragon, a talking pony and a chaos spirit mundane) lives. And it let us enjoy our own adventures for a change, particularly with Spike having the ultimate goal of saving a princess who was quite clearly not Rarity, and no way resembled her in any way, shape or form, and any supposed similarity, of which there was none, was entirely coincidental and not to brought up in game.

Yes, I know about the little drake’s crush.

Together, the three of battled our way through the woods, encountering all sorts of monsters and foes, from mimics, basilisks and manticores, along with more mundane foes like roving groups of bandits and religious zealots. I probably had more fun that evening with the lads than I had in quite a long time.

In the past, I’d always been quite the introvert, and while not quite a shut in, after getting married, I’d lived a pretty quiet life, with not too many friends. It’s not that I was anti-social or anything, I just didn’t feel the need for company as often, and I had little interest in your typical male interests. To this day I still have no idea what the offside rule is in football.

However, with Spike, Mac and Discord, I’d found a surprising amount of common ground. We all bonded over our shared love of O&O, amongst other things. And as I said at the start, it was nice just to be around my own gender for a change. While I’ve nothing against mares or women, you do sometimes need a break from them. Nopony, or human or chaos spirit for that matter, can put up with the colour pink and love hearts on everything for more than a few weeks at a time.

After the game wound down, we thought of a few other things we could do on our Guys’ Night. To Discord’s credit, and my unending surprise, he actually had quite a few good ideas for a night on the town. He and my son would get along over their love of swing, jazz, big band music, as well an an appreciation for fine cigars and good liquor. Now if only Discord could stop messing with him for fun.

Of course, we couldn’t exactly do all that. While Discord could quite happily poof us all off to a great little bar he knew in Hocklyn in Manehattan, it seemed a bit unfair to Spike, since he’d be a bit excluded.

“Oh, c’mon,” Discord complained, pouting. “We can just give him a soda or something. Drinking with your buddies doesn’t require alcohol.”

“We’re not taking Spike to a jazz bar, Discord,” I replied firmly. “If nothing else it’s against licensing regulation for them to let minors in.”

“Oh, that’s easily fixed,” the draconequus replied. He was about to snap his talons when Spike stopped him.

“Dude, hoarding instinct, hoarding instinct!” he warned in a fearful tone.

“Oh, right,” Discord realised, staying his magic. As a young dragon, Spike was not too dissimilar to a pony. But as we’d seen previously, as a dragon aged, their desire to hoard things grew, and had previously caused him problems, resulting in a brief rampage through Ponyville, something he’s still deeply ashamed and embarrassed about.

“Well what can we do?” Big Mac asked, still sitting at the map table, working on one of the game models.

I thought for a moment before an idea came to me. Snapping my fingers, I turned to my three companions.

“Tell you what,” I said. “It’s a warm enough night tonight. How about we head outside near Mac’s farm, get a good fire going, and cook some smores like we’re in the scouts? We can relax, talk, have a beer or three. We can even grab a couple ciders for Spike.”

We all agreed, so we left the confines of the castle and headed out into the night air.

Discord was kind enough to use his magic to conjure up some supplies and kit. Personally, while I had no qualms about building a fire, I didn’t fancy chopping down one of Mac’s apple trees to do it. Heading out of Ponyville, we hopped over the white fence that marked the border of Sweet Apple Acres and picked out a spot in a nice little clearing, not too far from the lake.

Here, on the open grasslands, we settled down. Discord laid out a couple of logs for us to sit on, and we all set to work making a nice little fire pit. A few matches and a couple gallons of petrol later, and we had a good fire going to keep away the slightly chilly night breeze. It was still pretty warm out though, and the light of the fire brought the fireflies around us, something I’d never really come across in my youth. The best you could hope for was midges that had the annoying habit of flying into your mouth.

Between the light of the fire, and the silver moon that hung in the sky, we had plenty of light that cast beautiful shadows. The sky above was clear, and I have no doubt that Bones would be out stargazing right about now, maybe with Apple Bloom alongside him.

As for Mac, Spike, Discord and me, we quickly broke out the elevenses. We had marshmallows, smores, and Discord even conjured up some sausages, although the smell of the sizzling meat made Mac turn green in disgust.

Discord however, had a very different idea of sustenance. Aside from the barrel of cider he’d ‘borrowed’ from the Apples’ cellar, he also had snapped into existence a strange looking contraption.

It was a strange thing, looking at least somewhat like a floor lamp, standing about two to three feet tall, the cylindrical object bulged slightly at the top, with a much larger glass bowl at the bottom, this was filled partly with water. Extending from the top, there was a long rubber tube that ended in a mouthpiece that made it seem like some odd musical instrument. But this was no musical instrument.

“Discord,” I said, pausing in my own cider. “Is that a hookah?” The draconequus took a long, philosophical drag from the contraption, before blowing out a good lungful of slightly flavoured tobacco smoke.

“Seems that way,” he commented. I was actually surprised by him for once. Normally, at this point, I’d expect the hookah to come alive like some sort of messed up snake. But instead, he just continued to puff away softly, staring off into the middle distance.

“Where did you even get that, anyway?” I asked. Smoking isn’t really a thing in Equestria, aside from a couple of references to pipes, I’ve not seen a single pony smoking. There certainly don’t seem to be any cigarettes.

“Saddle Arabia,” Discord answered, taking another drag.

“Mind if I...” I asked. Discord shrugged his shoulders and, snapping his talons, conjured up another one for me. Picking up the pipe, I took a drag of the scented tobacco. It actually wasn’t half bad. I haven’t smoked since before I met Margaret, and it was nice to do something like this with just a few friends.

While Discord and I slowly worked through our bowls, Mac and Spike stuck to nursing a cider, as well as toasting the marshmallows over the warm fire. Obviously, there was no way we were going to let Spike anywhere near the hard cider, never mind tobacco. Mac too declined the offer of a bowl for himself, saying that he never cared for it, and continued to stare into the fire, as we all did in quiet contemplation.

A pleasant silence settled over our little group. The evening was pretty much winding down. We’d had plenty of fun playing O&O; both real and imaginary and now we were all able to just relax and enjoy the peace and tranquillity of the evening.

Eventually, what with Spike and Mac feeling a little left out, Discord used his magic to remove the pair of hookahs, We went back to just enjoying ciders and a few snacks cooked over the fire. The four of us chatted about odds and ends, the three of them certainly liked the idea of me joining in on their little Guys Night. We ended up talking about what we could do next week.

“Tell you what,” Spike suggested. “Why don’t we head down to the bowling alley. Tonight’s open lane night anyway. We could have our own mini tournament. And that place has great pizza too.”

“I’m down for that,” I agreed.

“Eeyup,” Mac added. All eyes turned to Discord.

“Well, I suppose I could go easy on you,” he admitted. “But I get to chose what we do next week.”

“There’s an idea,” I suggested. “Why don’t we have a rotating schedule or something. Each week, one of us arranges all the activities for the evening.”

“Yeah,” Spike agreed with a nod. “I love playing O&O, but it would be nice to get out of the castle once in a while. I certainly wouldn’t mind seeing what Discord’s idea of a fun night is.”

“Hell, we could even make a weekend of it,” I said. “Maybe we could all head out to Manehattan or Luna Bay for a fishing weekend.”

“Ah sure wouldn’t mind visitin’ Las Pegasus,” Mac added. Ah, now we hit a little bump in the road.

“You might have some trouble there my monosyllabic friend,” Discord replied. “Roger and I are both decidedly persona non grata up there.”

“Really,” Spike asked. “Why?” Discord grinned as he looked at me. I could already feel the blush creeping up.

“Well, you see,” he said, “It all started when Roger and I got ourselves absolutely...” I decided to cut him off there. Grabbing his muzzle, I pinned his mouth shut.

“Okay, nopony needs to hear that story, old man,” I said to Discord, forcing a smile. Of course, that only egged Spike and Big Mac on.

And so, the pair ended up hearing about how Discord and I went to Las Pegasus, went gambling, got very drunk on comped drinks, and how I got briefly married to Discord (which Margaret quickly got annulled the next morning), before getting in fight with a really uncool pit boss (who started the whole thing anyway by calling me an ape) and wound up briefly in jail, before my wife bailed me out, and I woke up on my sofa at home with a terrible hangover.

They both thought it was funny as hell. And, well, in hindsight, it was. I mean, Margaret gave me hell for it, and in the manner of women, filed my offence away to be brought up in a later arguments. But looking back, it was just so utterly ridiculous. Even Celestia, who has her ways of finding these sorts of things out, found it quite amusing. And so I traded in a bit banter with the guys. While I’d never bring up Spike’s crush on Rarity, I do know from Bones about how he once got jealous of Twilight’s pet owl, and as for Big Mac, there’s that whole Smartypants thing.

Discord though, is by far the easiest to poke fun at, assuming you’ve made peace with whatever deity you pray to. Luckily, as the closest thing he has to a best friend besides Fluttershy (who he’s crushing on hard) and Celestia (who I honestly think might actually be into him a bit), I have a bit of leeway. I mean, let’s face it, he’s an immortal, near omnipotent chaos being, and he got beaten by six girls and a rainbow. It’s not hard to mock.

And so, we all traded barbs for a bit, until eventually, our little gathering broke up to head home. By now it was getting seriously late. Much longer, and I expected a panicking Twilight to teleport in looking for Spike. Margaret would be back from her PTA meeting, or whatever it was, by now as well. We all agreed to meet up next week to try out a bowling night.

And for once, it wasn’t a cover story.

Chapter 8 - Viva Las Pegasus

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The Realm of Equestria is many things, but a socialist paradise is not one of them. The works of Marx and Trotsky don’t really get much in the way of interest. The closest thing we’ve seen to anything resembling the left is Starlight’s equality philosophy, which was more of a ‘all animals are equal, but some are more equal than others’ kind of shtick. And that was more a cult of personality than any sort of genuine political construct.

In terms of governance, Equestria isn’t that dissimilar to dear old Blighty; a monarchy combined with democratic governance. Of course, the diarchy is absolutist, rather than constitutional. The princesses' word is final on all matters at the end of the day. However, most local matters are looked after by elected officials. Ponyville, for example, is currently run by Mayor Mare, who I personally voted for last year.

The higher up you go in government though, the more the princesses exercise authority. Equestria lacks any sort of legislative assembly like Parliament, but the princesses do maintain a council of ministers, of which I am a member, not unlike the Privy Council. It is this body which sets out laws and legislation for the realm. However, most business is conducted at a more local level. In that sense, Equestria is also a lot like America before its civil war; a loose collection of states gathered under a common banner. The princesses are of course, the political glue that holds everything together. Every city from Manehattan on the east coast, to Vanhoover in the west, and Appleloosa in the south and the Crystal empire in the north, acknowledge their absolute authority.

Mind you, that authority is not brought from any divine right or other such religious nonsense. It is very much a case of might is right. As the beings who move the sun and the moon, and as the pair that directly succeeded the ancient rulers of Old Equestria, including the Unicorn Council that used to direct the sun and the moon (a job which left each member permanently drained of magic after one attempt), and as they were crowned by Starswirl the Bearded himself, their authority is unquestioned.

In addition, being such an absolutist rule, and despite the initial democratic inroads, Equestria, in places such as Canterlot at least, also maintains a staunch class system. While not as common outside the city, in the upper echelons of pony society, there is very much an upper, middle and lower class. That however, thanks to Celestia’s efforts over the past couple centuries, is finally beginning to die off. Although some uppity unicorns, such as Blueblood, still cling to such outdated notions.

But anyway, back to my point, Equestria is decidedly not socialist or communist. It does however, embrace the concept of capitalism quite readily. In that sense it is very much like the America it is based on. Ponies are expected to pay their own way and contribute to society, with a welfare system being somewhat limited, and in most cases unnecessary. At the same time though, there is still a strong respect for authority and adherence to tradition, as you might find in Britain. It would certainly be a mistake to say Equestria is just America filled with cute ponies and splashes of pink paint.

While the realm has avoided many of the pitfalls of human nations back on Earth though, it is not without its problems. There is still a strong class imbalance, again, particularly in Canterlot, and at times, free market capitalism can cause more than a few problems.

It was one of these problems that brought me into contact with a rather slimy character, and saw me reunite with two who I’d love to put bracelets on.

Allow me to set the scene. It was lunchtime, and as is often the case, Celestia had invited me to take lunch with her and Luna. If nothing else, I think she needs somepony to keep the peace these days. They might have gotten over their little falling out from a thousand years ago, but that doesn’t mean they stop being sisters. Despite their age, they can be quite childish sometimes. So I find myself occasionally playing referee between the two, in order to keep the peace.

Luckily for me, today, they both seemed in fairly good moods. Luna was still little tired from her nightly work walking the dream realm, but other than that, she seemed in good spirits. Celestia too seemed rather chipper. I know she normally likes to cook breakfast for herself and her sister, but today, she’d also offered to do lunch too. Apparently, it’s her way of showing ponies that she’s not so different from them. I know for a fact that sometimes some ponies do need reminding that Celestia isn’t some all powerful goddess. And it’s nice to let the kitchen staff take some paid time off to tend to their other duties.

Today we were dining on a very tasty salad buffet that Celestia had prepared for the three of us. The both of them have hidden talents, and one of Celestia’s is most certainly cooking. As we all tucked in to the lunch, we made idle chit chat over the current comings and goings of the court. Even though I might not be needed, there’s usually plenty of interesting cases going on.

“I was talking with Captain Mareclellan today,” Celestia commented. “He suggested that it might be in our interests to consider scaling back the Royal Guard somewhat.” Luna let out an indignant snort.

“Of course he did,” she replied with a look of contempt. “That oaf may carry the rank of captain, but he is no soldier, sister. I would no sooner take military advice from him that I would from that potted plant.” She gestured to a bowl of petunias on the window sill.

“It has been several years since the changeling incursion,” Celestia countered. “The increased security only makes ponies nervous when they come to the castle.”

That is still no reason to lower our guard,” Luna answered. “Not while Chrysalis and her brood remain at large. And I need not remind you that we face other threats beyond those bugs. The Royal Guard is a token security force as it is. To reduce it further would be foolhardy.” Celestia turned to me.

“What do you think, Roger?” she asked. “You know I always value your advice.” I set down my utensils.

“Well Tia,” I replied. “As the saying goes ‘If you want peace, prepare for war’.”

“Ha!” Luna said triumphantly. “At last, a fellow realist.”

I have to agree with Luna, Tia,” I said. “I don’t much care for the way Mareclellan is running the guard. On the one hand, he’s cutting back, but on exercises, he’s always calling for reinforcements. He has no fight in him, that’s the problem. Shining may have let things get a little lax, but he rallied when it mattered. And he’s gone above and beyond more than once too. I don’t see Mareclellan standing toe to toe with the likes of Tirek.”

“So what would you do?” Celestia asked.

“Personally,” I said. “I’d be looking for somepony else. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a fine administrator, but a poor leader of men. He belongs in the Staff, not a command position. It’s just a shame we had to give up Shining to the Crystal Guard. But you said yourself, it was unfair to ask him to commute so much and risk his neck, especially now he’s got Flurry Heart to think about.”

Celestia nodded thoughtfully before changing the subject. I guess she didn’t want to get into another tiff with Luna.

“Shall I tell you about the report Twilight sent me?” she offered.

“Oh, another friendship mission from that map thing?” I asked. Celestia nodded.

“Applejack and Fluttershy were sent up to Las Pegasus,” she explained. I shuddered. Poor Fluttershy certainly wouldn’t much care for that place.

“Well, they can’t have done worse than I did up there,” I said. Both sisters laughed. I’m more comfortable sharing some of my more embarrassing secrets with them, since I know they’ll stay confidential. And in that particular case, I had to tell Celestia that I’d gotten arrested. It was some time ago and was now just a funny story.

“Well, you might be interested to know, Roger,” Celestia went on. “That the two of them have actually got a case for you in Day Court. I’m going to need your advice concerning Equestrian monopoly laws, as well as your knowledge of the tax code.”

“Ooh, now this sounds interesting,” I said, paying a bit more attention. “Let’s hear it, Tia.” Celestia smiled as she saw she’d got my attention.

“Does the name Gladmane mean anything to you?” I racked my brains for a few moments.

“Oh, erm, yeah. He’s a casino, or resort owner, right? Runs one of the nicest resorts in Las Pegasus. Pretty serious player up in that neck of the woods. He’s got that whole self-made stallion thing going on. Nice enough guy too from when I briefly met him. Why, is he hauling in somepony for us?” Celestia shook her head.

“Actually, it is Gladmane who is the defendant,” Celestia replied. “During their friendship mission to Las Pegasus, Applejack and Fluttershy met Gladmane, and uncovered evidence that he was attempting to create a monopoly for himself in the city, buying up the other properties in the city. The friendship problem they were sent to resolve, was caused by him goading his competitors and employees into arguing with each other to stop them from leaving or becoming a threat to his own business interests. He intended to cause the other resorts owners to fall out with each other to such a degree that they would leave, selling the business to him at whatever price he named.” I let out a low whistle at that.

“Jeez,” I said with some surprise. “Machiavelli would be proud. He seemed like a nice enough guy when I met him.” Luna nodded.

“He is indeed quite charismatic,” she agreed. “That was why his devious little game worked so well. While he caused all the arguments, everypony liked and admired Gladmane so much, nopony was willing to entertain the idea that he might have an agenda.”

“Okay, that explains the monopoly charges,” I said with a nod as I tucked back into my lunch. “But what’s all this about tax law?”

“Call it a hunch,” Celestia replied. “If Gladmane was willing to use such tactics in his pursuit of profit, I’m curious to see if he was being creative with his accounting as well. His resort does seem to have been quite successful, but from preliminary investigations, he doesn’t seem to have paid taxes for some time.” I saw how the land lay.

“Ah, so you want me to do a Capone number on him then?” I asked. Now both princesses looked confused. Even after all these years, I still sometimes make references nopony gets.

“A what?” Celestia asked curiously. I briefly explained.

“Oh, erm, Al Capone was an infamous gangster. Back in the days of alcohol prohibition, he made a fortune running booze and all sorts of other operations, allowing him to operate above the law. They finally caught him, not by proving he was linked to murders, racketeering or smuggling, but by showing that he’d not been paying income tax, despite all his earnings. It’s a classic story in crime fighting.” Celestia pondered that notion for a moment.

“Well then, I suppose the answer would be yes. In addition to bringing Gladmane up on monopoly law violations, I would like you to ‘do a Capone number’ on him.”

“But you don’t want me to have him sleep with the fishes, right?” I asked with a grin. Celestia smiled knowingly, and once again proved that you can’t outfox her for love nor money.

“I may not know everything about Earth, but I do know what that means, consigliere,” she replied in a serene voice. She’s occasionally called me that from time to time. A fair enough title, given my role as advisor and confidant.

The three of us laughed and went back to finishing our lunch together. Celestia and I would then meet up in her chambers to discuss our plan of action regarding Gladmane. I know for a fact that one of Celestia’s pet peeves is ponies who use friendship as a means to manipulate others. Sadly, there was no law for that. But with ponies like Gladmane, to make your point, you have to hit them where it hurts; their wallet.

And so, after lunch, I headed back to my office to make a start on the case. If I was going to advise Celestia, I needed both good knowledge of the case and knowledge of the relevant legislation. To that end, my desk was soon cluttered with a mixture of legal textbooks, and documents sent over by ERC; that’s Equestrian Revenue and Customs, the body responsible for overseeing taxation in the realm. Everything from basic PAYE tax, to import duties and of course investigations into non-paying taxpayers.

Their investigation team had sent over a full file on Gladmane. It certainly made for some interesting reading. Gladmane owned several casinos and resorts in Las Pegasus, as well as managing several others, controlling a good chunk of the city. He lived quite well, owning a large and deeply ostentatious mansion just outside the city, as well as his own personal airship, which enabled him to get to and from his cloud home, despite not being a pegasus.

All in all, he lived a pretty comfortable with life with a decent job. And yet, despite this, Gladmane had not paid a single bit of income tax for the past nine years. He’d reported no earnings above the tax threshold, and so had paid nothing. Now, it is a fact that, when you get to a certain level of rich, you live off your savings and the ERC stops calling. Celestia for example, does that. However, Gladmane, while reasonably wealthy, wasn’t that wealthy. He clearly had earnings, but hadn’t paid anything. A casino mogul doesn’t earn less than the tax threshold. So what in Equestria was going on?

Frowning to myself, I took out a scrap of paper and jotted down a short note. The ERC had sent me information on Gladmane and his currently reported earnings, but I was rather curious about the state of his finances, and the ERC were the only ponies who could get me that information quickly, thanks to their teams of investigators.

Leaving my office, I walked out of the castle and headed down to the Equestrian Union office to send the wire up to Baltimare, where the ERC was headquartered. It was right by the train station. I considered taking a cab, but since it was so nice out today; the local unicorn weather team had done quite a good job keeping the skies clear, I decided to walk instead.

Crossing the drawbridge that lets you in and out of the castle. I walked down into the city proper. As it was just after lunch, the city was bustling with activity, and the good weather had brought both locals and tourists out to enjoy the pleasant afternoon sun. It was as I was making my way past the large park near the centre of the city, that a voice I recognised called out to me.

“Hello, Roger!” a voice called out in a posh sounding southern England accent. Turning around, I saw who it was.

“Fancy Pants!” I called back, changing my course to go over to Canterlot’s most upstanding noble. The two of us shook hands and hooves. “How the devil have you been, sir?”

“Oh, absolutely peachy, my friend,” the moustached and monocle wearing unicorn replied. “I just wanted to say that I heard you were dealing with that business with Gladmane. Quite the black matter as I understand it.”

Now, obviously, I wasn’t about to spill the beans to him on the ins and outs of the case. But there was no harm in divulging what information was already available in the public domain. Gladmane’s downfall had made front page news of the financial papers and several Canterlot publications.

“Yes,” I replied with a nod. “He’s to brought up on monopoly law charges. Trying to force out his competition and run the whole city by himself.”

“Well, to be blunt,” Fancy replied. “I’m just glad to see that oaf finally taken down a peg.”

“Oh, not one of his fans then?” I asked.

“He’s...well..New Money, as they say,” Fancy said delicately. “He doesn’t really understand the rules of the game as it were. And to be quite frank, despite his many books on how to get rich, he’s something of a poor stallion when it comes to managing his own expenses.” That got my attention.

“How so?” I asked, doing my best to carefully probe. Fancy either didn’t see, or didn’t care that I had an interest in this information. Then again, he was never the sort to ask for favours like that.

“Well,” Fancy explained. “As I understand it, despite his impressive holdings, Gladmane has made rather a mess of his finances; backed a few bad ventures you see. That nonsensical university for one that folded last year. Then there were his line of hotels in Manehattan. I can think of at least four or five other ventures that have cost him. Frankly I’m amazed to hear that he hasn’t had to file for bankruptcy after so many poor choices.”

Now that was interesting. And if he was right, it also explained how Gladmane had avoided paying tax. He was using his losses to avoid paying anything on his existing earnings. A pony of his wealth could take the hit, and then use the tax code to allow him to build up a considerable sum of capital. A very clever, and also a very naughty trick, if I do say so myself.

Thanking Fancy for the information and wishing him, and his own investments well, I continued on my way down to the telegraph office. I’d need proof more concrete than gossip from the nobility, but if Fancy was correct, we could make a serious dishonesty case against Gladmane. Heck, considering his business success, I half wondered if he might have intentionally taken a few sacrifices to dodge the taxation on his earnings. Sure, you lose a couple million bits in failed businesses. But what’s that compared to the saving gained by not paying the princess her share on a sum five times that size?

Making my way down the hill toward the train station, I soon came upon the Canterlot branch of Equestrian Union; one of several companies, along with the Equestrian Postal Service, that operate telegraph systems across Equestria, providing communication, news wire services, and money transfers across the country.

Stepping into the foyer, I walked over to one of the open counters, where I met a bespectacled unicorn stallion with a caramel coat and a chestnut mane.

“Afternoon,” I said casually. “I need to send a wire to Baltimare, please. To the offices of Equestrian Revenue and Customs.”

Without a word, the stallion reached under his desk and passed me your typical telegraph from. You put your name, where you wanted the message to go along with the message itself. The clerk then counted the words to work out the price, so I did my best to keep it brief. I ended up with the following.

Request information Gladmane finances STOP Breach of code 112-B-67 STOP Investigation impossible without information STOP Send direct Canterlot Castle legal offices post haste STOP CLAUSE R.K.O

Short, sweet, to the point, and it saved on the bill. Celestia may pay my expenses, but that doesn’t mean I should waste the crown’s money. This would go direct to the ERC offices, and they would then send me all the information they had on Gladmane’s financial affairs. That should allow me to paint a clearer picture of what had been going on.

With the completed form in hand, I walked back over to the clerk. Passing the form to him, he quickly glanced over the content, counting the words.

“That will be seven bits, sir,” he said calmly. I fished out my coin purse. Since Equestria doesn’t really have paper money, wallets aren’t really a thing here.

“Could I have a repeat back on that as well, please?” I asked. Given that this was an important message, I wanted to be sure the right message went through. Repeat back meant that the operator in Baltimare had to repeat back to the operator in Canterlot what the message was, preventing any incorrect wording.

“In that case, the charge is ten bits, sir,” the stallion said with a nod. I handed over the coins.

With that, he briefly stepped away from the counter to pass the message on to one of the operators. A minute or so later he returned.

“There we are, sir,” he said. “Sent and properly received. Here is your receipt.” I took the slip of paper from his magical grip.

“Thank you. Good day,” I said, turning to leave. The receipt was my proof of postage in case there were any problems.

As I stepped out into the sunlight again, my message had now reached the Equestrian Union offices in Baltimare and been transcribed by the operator. From there, it was passed to one of their runners, who would take the telegram to its intended destination. Give it say thirty minutes for the wire to be received, and I ought to get the actual records I requested some time this evening.

Annoyingly, there was some delay with the ERC getting Gladmane’s files sent over to me. I suppose though that’s to be somewhat expected. Tax offices the world over aren’t exactly known for their speedy service. And while I am grateful for their assistance, I dread to think how many forms were signed and stamped in triplicate, sent in, sent back, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, found again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters, before I was authorised to view the records.

In any case, when I came into my office the next morning, I found the parcel sitting on my desk, along with my usual collection of post. One of the guards had been good enough to sign for it at the gate. The manila envelope was thick and stamped with the words ‘documents enclosed’ on the front in red ink. Taking the letter opener from my desk, I cut open the envelope and emptied the contests onto my desk. There was a lot to go through. Once again, I found myself wishing that I could hire more staff.

Still, there was no time like the present, so I began to go over both the reports that the ERC had compiled, along with the actual raw data they’d sent over, in the form of dozens of spreadsheets, as well as various financial documents, such as stock certificates, land and building deeds, and business registrations from Companies House. Needless to say, it made for some very interesting reading, and I was careful to jot down everything of note onto some scrap paper.

In short, Fancy pants had been right. According to the official records, Gladmane was approximately nine million bits in the red as of four years ago, when several of his business ventures collapsed, and he suffered some pretty startling losses on the stock market. He’d reported this series of losses to the ERC when April rolled around, and as such, his subsequent earning had not been taxable

Annoyingly, this was not only clever, but also entirely within the boundaries set out by Equestria’s tax code. He’d broken no law, but anypony would look on such behaviour as being pretty shady. I mean, how does it make sense for somepony to have a net worth of several millions, with income sufficient that they can do whatever they want, within reason, and yet not have them pay a single bit in tax? It cheesed me off, I can tell you.

I filed that away for later. Right now, I was more interested in proving conspiracy to breach the Equestrian Anti-Monopolies Act. That wasn’t too hard to do. Aside from the fact that, thanks to AJ and Fluttershy, Gladmane had been tricked into proclaiming his little scheme across half of Las Pegasus for all to hear, there was also clear evidence in his finances. He’d put in several bids to the owners of several resorts and hotels in Las Pegasus, offering to buy them out. And when that hadn’t worked, based on testimony from staff and other ponies, he’d then resorted to his little mind games. Combined with Fluttershy’s and Applejack’s statements, as well as those of Flim and Flam, who I’ll come to in a moment, I had plenty of evidence against Gladmane, more than enough to safely bring a case home, no matter how many floors of legal experts he hired for his defence. His goose on that front was well and truly cooked.

According the the law, the maximum sentence, which was what I would be pushing for, was a rather hefty fine that ran into seven figures. And while that would no doubt be crippling to Gladmane financially, he still had quite a sizeable amount of nontaxable income to live off. As I said before, if I wanted this to have any real effect on Gladmane, or any other business moguls who tried to play a fast one, I needed to really nail him in the coin purse.

As I tried to think of a way around Gladmane’s ploy, my thoughts turned to Flim and Flam. Once upon a time, I dismissed them as harmless fraudsters, who’d probably end up tarred and feathered somewhere south of Appleloosa. After their little tonic incident, there was the whole issue of impersonating medical practitioners. Now though, they were seriously on my radar. While not quite as conniving as Gladmane, they really ground my gears, being nothing short of common shysters. Bones and Applejack too share a seething dislike of them. With good reason, considering the buggers tried to take their farm from them and almost put Granny Smith in the way of serious harm. The notion of those two jackalopes running a major Las Pegasus resort. Well, it sort of made sense actually. Heck, it was probably the best place for them. Where else was a fool so easily parted from his money, and it was perfectly legal.

As long as they didn’t get too ‘ambitious’ as it were, I saw no problem with leaving them be. If nothing else, their presence kept the likes of the Cosa Nostra out of the casinos. Still, I’d keep my ear to the ground and keep a weather eye on Equestria’s version of Trip Advisor to watch for any shady practices or scams they started up.

That was when the idea hit me. If I was going to get Gladmane, I needed to think like him. I needed to think like a conniving, semi-failed businesses pony and venture capitalist. I want to protect my earnings from taxation, so I intentionally take a few losses in order use it as a tax write off; a short term loss for a long term gain. That was entirely in the bounds of the law. Nopony could prove I’d done anything wrong because, as far as the law was concerned, I hadn’t. But I’m a smart pony, smart enough to manipulate others around me to get what I want. I’m not going to make a series of mistakes like that. I calculated it; worked out everything to ensure the losses weren’t too severe, but would be enough to keep the ERC off my back for years.

If I could prove that Gladmane had intentionally caused financial losses...well, it was a stretch, but you could potentially use that to build a case for conspiring to evade income tax. That, considering the amount we were talking about, not only meant having his assets frozen for the duration of any investigation, but also some pretty serious jail time. It wouldn’t be easy, but if I could show that Gladmane knew what was going to happen with those failed investments, I might well just have a case.

Putting any thought of Flim and Flam to one side, I started going through the papers again. I had a theory, now I needed to find the proof. Enough proof to throw it at Gladmane when he was in the box.

A few weeks later, and Gladmane’s trial was underway. The issue had become serious enough, and there were sufficient concerns that Gladmane may well buy his way out of a Las Pegasus court (despite his actions, he still had quite a few friends in that city), the matter had been referred directly to Day Court and Celestia.

Now, despite all my hard work to put this case together, I was more of a neutral party in the proceedings, along with Celestia herself. I would act as a sort of secondary judge, as well as in my usual role as Celestia’s advisor and legal expert. The case would be prosecuted by my good friend Wrought Steel. I’d shown him what I’d found, and Equestria’s Eliot Ness was chomping at the bit to start prosecuting.

As we all prepared to start, Gladmane was brought in. He’d been under house arrest ever since he was caught, rather stupidly, trying to travel to the Crystal Empire when we subpoenaed him. They had promptly extradited him back to Equestria. He entered, dressed to the nines in a full suit, with six, no seven, lawyers trailing in his wake. They’d got him house arrest instead of a holding cell, and Gladmane, ever the show off, had another stunt he wanted to pull.

As Gladmane and his pack of vultures that feed on the pain and misery of decent ponies took their seats, one, quite out of order, approached the bench and handed me a medium sized envelope.

“Mr Owen?” the weasel faced pony asked.

“Yes,” I replied. He handed me the envelope.

“You’ve been served. Defamation of my client.”

I took a look. It was real alright. Gladmane was actually suing me, for far more than I had too. Well, there was little to do about that now. It wouldn’t go anywhere anyway. This was Gladmane getting desperate. I didn’t give him anything in terms of reaction, merely folding the document and putting in my inside jacket pocket. Any kind of reaction now would just be ammunition for him to use later. I knew what he was planning. He was just the innocent victim; an honest accounting mistake and he’d been hounded by the big, nasty human and treated like a criminal.

I conferred with Celestia for a moment. She agreed that the matter could wait until the dust settled. Gladmane would either see which way the wind was blowing and haul down his colours, or we’d go to court, I’d file a countersuit and I’d win, as his case was clearly baseless. To defame someone, they have to have not done the thing you’re accusing them of.

Having let Gladmane throw his little tantrum, we prepared to get underway. I kicked things off. Getting to my feet, I read out the charge.

“Gladmane,” I said. “You are charged with conspiracy to breach the Equestrian Anti-Monopoly Act and evading and conspiring to evade the National Income Tax, contrary to the Equestrian Taxation Code. How do you plead; guilty or not guilty?” Gladmane got to his hooves.

“Not guilty,” he replied, in that poor imitation of Elvis of his.

Now, once again in a serious breach of protocol and general good manners, another of his lawyers got up and, without asking, approached Celestia. Her raised eyebrow and look of vague contempt did not deter him from his course.

“My lady,” he said, addressing Celestia as a judge of the high court, rather than a princess. “I must insist that this matter be dismissed summarily.” Celestia’s look of contempt became even more obvious.

“You insist?” she asked, in a tone of ‘what did you just say to me, mortal?’ “Would you care to show grounds for such a dismissal, counsel?”

“Prejudice against my client by one of the sitting judges, my lady,” he replied. A stunned silence fell over the room. By implication, he may well have just suggested that Celestia was biased.

“Oh?” Celestia merely replied, staring down at him with the same look of vague contempt my cat used to give me. “And which judge do you refer to?” Now to prat saw his mistake and promptly back peddled.

“Oh...erm...I was of course referring to Mr. Owen, your highness,” he replied hastily. Celestia however, was unmoved. She can be truly terrifying when the mood strikes her, as shown now.

“So, to be clear,” she said, getting to her hooves. “You are accusing my legal advisor, who is not only an officer of this court, but a minister of my government, of being unable to set aside any feelings he may have against your client and try him fairly, based on the evidence presented?”

“Yes, my lady,” the idiot said. Here came the obvious. Celestia let out a snort of mild annoyance.

“How fortunate then that we have two judges in these matters for precisely that reason. Overruled.” Now Wrought Steel spoke up.

“My lady,” he began, staying at his bench on Counsel Row like a good barrister. “I must apologise for learned, or not so learned, friend's behaviour. If you have no objection, may the Crown now state its case?” Celestia nodded serenely.

“You may, Mr. Steel,” she said. Wrought was about to begin, but I noticed that the jackass from before was still standing before the bench, now looking decidedly unwell. Celestia glared at him.

“Sit down,” she said, in the tone of a mother scolding her child. He quickly scurried back to his seat as Wrought got started.

That reminds me. I haven’t told you about my trump card yet, have I? Previously, I’d had no concerns about the anti-monopoly charges, but I wasn’t too confident about bringing home a guilty verdict on the tax evasion charge. Now though, I had quite the ace in the hole.

You see, the problem was that the whole case against Gladmane depended on proving that he had intentionally made poor business decisions. The only problem was that, when you looked at the maths (and I mean maths, not math; mathematics is a plural, you colonial swine), the losses were too great for him to simply shrug off. I’d previously thought that he’d used some of his disposable income. But when you looked at the figures, it just wouldn’t fly.

So, I’d gone back to the ERC records and started digging through Gladmane’s life. And not just his financial life either. After his attempt to flee, I had pretty much a blank cheque in terms of warrants. And it was in these investigations that Wrought and I discovered something interesting.

Five years ago, Gladmane’s father died.

Now is that sad? Yes, of course, but it was also interesting. Contrary to popular belief, or his autobiography, Gladmane did not pull himself up by his bootstraps; he was born into money courtesy of his father. And when he had died, as his sole heir, his considerable fortune had been passed to Gladmane. See where I’m going with this yet?

The inheritance was a sudden, massive cash injection. A windfall that he could safely squander, without jeopardising his financial security. That gave him means; the last part of the holy trinity in prosecution. And now Wrought was going to show us how it was done.

Gladmane’s defence team, while no doubt expensive, wasn’t exactly skilled. Most of their case was smoke and mirrors, and attempts to plead their way down. The vast majority of these motions were overruled by Celestia, citing lack of supporting evidence. The ‘witnesses’ that they called were just some of Gladmane’s lackeys, who would say anything for the right price. They couldn’t really produce anything credible or of note to the case. The only thing they could do, was muddy the waters when it came to the tax evasion charge. That though wasn’t too hard.

With their case, such as it was, stated, the impetus now passed to Wrought Steel, who would cross examine Gladmane and build his case for prosecution. He was on his feet almost as soon as Gladmane’s little pack had sat down. Walking from his desk on Counsel Row, he stopped in front of Gladmane, who sat in the dock.

“Mr. Gladmane,” he began cordially. “Could you please tell the court about your father?” Gladmane left out a slight huff.

“Well of course,” he began confidently. “My daddy came from Mustangia to Las Pegasus, back when the land below was still being mined for gold and gems. He had some good luck with his claim, properly invested it and did very well for himself. He’s always been an inspiration to me and my own businesses.” Wrought smiled slightly.

“I understand that he passed away several years ago.” Now Gladmane looked a little worried.

“Oh...erm, yes. It was all very sad for my family, and a real loss to the city of Las Pegasus.” Wrought continued with his cross.

“And as I understand it, you were named the sole beneficiary in his will.” Gladmane now appeared to be sweating a little under his coat. And Wrought was just getting started.

“Well, yes,” he replied. “I was his only child, so it made sense for his estate to go to me.” Steel’s smile broadened.

“Quite the windfall as I understand it. What was it, forty-five thousand bits?”

“I believe so, yes.”

I was quite surprised at this point that none of his legal team had piped up. Wrought didn’t seem to be asking any questions related to the case. An objection against relevance could at least be made. Hell, if I didn’t know where he was going with this, I might do the same. Wrought moved in for the kill now.

“Well, that’s quite interesting,” he said off handedly. “You see, our investigations with the ERC have thrown up some very interesting developments about that money.” He turned to Celestia and I. “My lady, I refer you to Crown exhibit B-264; a copy of the defendant’s financial activities the year his father died.” The two of us took a look at the file.

“As you can see,” he went on. “That entire forty-five thousand lump sum was moved into a Hayman Islands account a few days after it was transferred to Mr. Gladmane. And it was subsequently invested into several business ventures and stock options which all suffered serious losses. This was money that the defendant could afford to lose in view of his sizeable fortune. And may I also point out that, prior to this, the defendant had not suffered any serious financial losses, despite several reckless decisions made on the markets. My lady, it is the view of the CPS that Mr. Gladmane used this disposable income to intentionally cause a loss to himself, sufficient to permit him to avoid paying income tax for the next several years.”

Gladmane sat in the dock, looking defeated, and glaring at his lawyers, all of whom he quickly fired.

The rest, as they say, is history. Celestia agreed with Steel and myself about Gladmane’s use of his inheritance. To lose some of it would be understandable. But to lose all of it in the space of two months, and then not suffer any other loss afterwards, it was all too perfect. The matter was eventually settled when Gladmane changed his plea. That, of course, reduced the sentence somewhat, but it was still quite the kick in the head. Celestia found Gladmane guilty of both breaching anti-monopoly laws, and also evading income tax. She hit him with an unprecedented fifty thousand bit fine for the monopoly attempt, and ordered him to pay back all unpaid taxes, plus interest. I also countersued him, and won, and he was ordered to pay my court costs.

For legal reasons, I can’t disclose that full amount. What I can say, is that Gladmane didn’t pony up the dough, if you’ll pardon the pun. We gave him a month to set up a payment plan. He didn’t. He got served with a county court judgement in Las Pegasus and the ERC instructed bailiffs to get the money. Gladmane however, refused to budge. And as a result, six months later, I found myself instructing sheriffs from Day Court to go and fetch it.

In the end, I had to sign off on a writ to take control of goods. Since Gladmane wouldn’t pay the fines and back taxes in bits, we ended up seizing his assets, including his airship and mansion. While not penniless, Gladmane was forced to file for bankruptcy protection. And until that’s discharged, he won’t be making any moves in the business world.

Chapter 9 - Relapse

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I believe that, over the last few little yarns that I’ve spun for you, I’ve made my disdain for one Starlight Glimmer abundantly clear. Am I against the idea of reformation? No. Do I think Starlight can’t change and become a benefit to Equestria? No, of course not. What I do think though, is that when a pony commits the most violent assault possible against a pony, with the exception of having their magic drained, and then forces them to live under her rules and philosophies, that pony ought to be punished for her actions. Yes, Starlight may have turned over a new leaf, but even in Equestria, you don’t just get to wipe the slate clean. The goal of any punishment may be reformation, with prisoners only being imprisoned if this is impossible, with good conditions too, but there must still be a punishment. Starlight not only committed unspeakable acts of mental and physical cruelty against vulnerable ponies who trusted her, but then also went on a rampage using dangerous, forbidden magic that caused irreparable damage to the space time continuum. You don’t just get to walk away from that.

Initially, after Starlight surrendered to Twilight and became her student, a good many ponies shared my view. After all, this mare had proved herself to be quite dangerous, and quite possibly psychotic at times. A good many were unhappy about Twilight taking her under her wing. However, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m an advisor; I can make recommendations, but once the princesses have made their decision, the discussion is over.

So, despite my objections, Starlight had been pardoned for her crimes. At the time, I’d spoken to Starlight in my office and made my opinion of her quite clear. In particular, I’d warned her that, while she might have been pardoned for these crimes, I had no doubt that Twilight would not be so forgiving if her trust was betrayed. I assured Starlight that if she stepped out of line, I would come down on her like a tonne of bricks.

At the time, that had been all I’d been able to do. With some coaxing from Discord, I realised that it was pointless to continuously hound her, and I adopted a policy of wait and watch. I met her again when Pinkie Pie threw her a Welcome to Ponyville party. I’d been a little kinder then. As I said to Celestia at the time, I hoped I was wrong, but I didn’t fancy being caught napping by somepony who had the potential to be extremely dangerous. After all, one on one, this mare had been Twilight’s equal.

After the dust settled however, it became clear that Starlight’s integration into Ponyville was not going to be easy. It wasn’t exactly a national secret what she had done, and between her somewhat poor social skills and her alarming habit of using magic to solve every problem, she became something of a pariah. Well, as much as you can be in Ponyville. Most folks just kept out of her way, with Starlight mainly confining herself to the castle. It wasn’t until she met and befriended Trixie that things began to improve.

I’ll admit, at that point, I was close to admitting that Starlight had finally turned a corner. She was becoming more social, and ponies were slowly beginning to accept her. It didn’t hurt that she and Trixie had been able to bond over their none too glorious pasts. However, after that step forward, her progress stalled somewhat. She didn’t make any other friends besides Twilight, Spike, and Trixie, and while no longer a pariah, she was hardly learning about the magic of friendship as she was supposed to.

So, as I understand it, Twilight pushed her to make some new friends. It could hardly go worse than her first. I remember Bones telling me how she used her magic to make Big Mac talk non-stop when she found out how reticent her was.

Now, that’s a perfect example. Any unicorn would say that using your magic to make somepony talk against their will is wrong. Not just because of the law, but because of morals and common sense. Starlight didn’t have those morals, and that was what always made me uneasy around her.

However, I figured that, given time, Twilight would set her straight, and my warnings of possible imprisonment or confinement in a mental institution would be enough to get her to toe the line. After all, like I said, since coming to Ponyville, she’d shown no signs of betraying Twilight’s trust and seemed genuinely committed to learning about friendship.

Unfortunately, it was at this point, that Starlight had you might want to call a major relapse.

It all started when Twilight confronted her pupil about her progress in her studies. While her magical ability and knowledge was extremely impressive, and while she’d begun to make some friends, namely Trixie, she hadn’t really made much significant progress since. To try and help, Twilight had set her up with her own friends, suggesting that spending time with them might help her get back on track. Unfortunately, Starlight had been putting these engagements off for some time, in favour of continued study of magic.

Twilight was now getting a tad impatient with her pupil, and as she was now going off to Canterlot for the day to meet with Celestia, she wanted to be sure that Starlight wouldn’t keep procrastinating. I sometimes wonder if, had it not been for the time pressure, the whole mess could have been avoided. But who knows? All I can tell you is what happened next, and the consequences that followed.

So, settle in, because this one, as Pinkie would say, is a doozy. It ended with five ponies requiring some minor medical care, Twilight’s castle had been both flooded and sustained some serious fire damage in the kitchen, and best of all, despite everything, it wasn’t until Twilight sat her down and explained, that Starlight understood that what she had done was not only not right, but as I would point out to her, not bloody legal.

I wasn’t actually in Ponyville when the whole calamity began. It was a weekday, so I was in my office as per usual. I’d just come back from helping Celestia with a rather tricky patent dispute. A company in Equestria’s Neighpon region was accused of copying a wagon design from a company based out of Whinnyapolis. And just like their real world counterpart, the words ‘copyright infringement’ seemed to sail clean over their heads. I’d ended up having to overturn the ruling of the local court and put a hearing on the books for next week. Neighpon had been becoming more and more of a problem for Celestia over the last couple decades as the region industrialised, and she was fast running out of patience.

It sure as hell didn’t help that the locals seemed to have somehow grown up in a world without common decency. I may be a literal alien in this world, but even on my first day here, I knew that you didn’t spit whatever was in your mouth onto the throne room floor while talking with the princess. Not these chinless wonders though. No manners, no understanding of queues, and a terrifying ability to cause incredible disruption wherever they went.

Heck, I still remember that case from Saddle Arabia when that stupid Neighpon student decided it would be a brilliant idea to carve his likeness onto an ancient stone monument. They almost took both his front hooves off until Celestia managed to get them to calm down.

Anyway, I’m digressing again. I was just writing up the preliminary report to Celestia, and Luna as well. She’s recently asked that I prepare a sort of nightly briefing for her. Usually, I’m not in the office after sundown, but I have on occasion laboured into the wee hours to advise on a case in her own Night Court. Of late though, she’s asked to be kept in the loop on all matters in Day Court, so every day, I prepare her a quick little briefing summary of the day’s cases.

I’d seen Twilight knocking about earlier, with little Spike riding on her back. She was taking the rare opportunity to spend some time with Celestia after giving her presentation at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. She may no longer be her student, but the two are very close friends. Twilight idolises Celestia, not as a princess, more as her mentor and even a mother figure. However, she also enjoys just spending time with Celestia the pony, reading books, talking of old times and practicing magic. It’s a rare opportunity for the pair to be together, without Equestria being in peril.

And so, I wasn’t about to intrude on their privacy. Twilight however, was more than happy to intrude on mine.

Knocking on my office door, the young alicorn opened it and poked her head through. If it were anypony else, with the exception of Tia or Luna of course, I’d be pretty cheesed off. But Twilight was here as a friend, and I suppose, as she’s a princess, this is partly her castle. Looking up from my work, I smiled at her across my desk.

“Twilight!” I said brightly. “Come in, come in. What brings you here?”

She trotted inside and quite quickly fixated herself on my personal law library. Twilight, I sometimes think, is the literal definition of a bibliophile. For one thing, according to Shining Armor, as a filly she used to sniff books for the fun of it. Luckily, over her years of studying friendship, she’s learnt to overcome her innate nature to gravitate to books rather than ponies. Shaking the cobwebs loose, and blushing slightly, she turned back to me and trotted over to my desk. As it was built for a human, and she didn’t seem interested in taking a chair, she jumped up slightly, putting her front hooves on the edge of the desk, like a dog would.

“I was just wondering if I could borrow a couple of your books,” she said with a hopeful smile.

To be fair, in addition to the various Equestrian legal books, all of which she could find in the Canterlot library, there were also a few books from my own collection back on Earth, old legal texts from my days studying law, as well as when I went back to get my doctorate. Those are books that she hasn’t read, and for Twilight, that means she has to read them.

And possibly sniff them.

Although, now that I think about it, there is something quite pleasant about the smell of old books.

Getting up from my desk, I strolled over to my miniature library, intending to grab a couple for her off the higher shelves if needed. Of course, I forgot about the whole magic thing.

“Sure,” I said, without thinking.

At that moment, several of my books seemingly came to life and all but flew off the shelves and into Twilight’s saddlebags. Bingham’s ‘The Rule of Law’, Paine’s ‘The Age of Reason’, Machiavelli’s ‘The Prince’, Marcus Aurelius’ ‘Meditations’ and Rousseau’s ‘The Social Contract’ all flew past my head. Luckily for me, Twilight, despite her eagerness, still had her new charges negotiate their way around me. Once she again, she blushed adorkably at her foal like excitement as she recovered herself.

“Whoops. Sorry, Roger,” she said, her ears wilting slightly.

“No worries, Twilight,” I said, only partly lying. “What do you want them for anyway. That lot isn’t exactly Equestria friendly material.”

Equestria by no means has a ban on new ideas, but given their nature, I doubt many ponies would be interested in the works of Machiavelli, with perhaps the exception of a few notable villains who he might actually get along with. Conversely, I let Celestia borrow it a while back, and she merely stated that she found it ‘fascinating’ in that mysterious way of hers. Still, I was little worried about Twilight reading some of those. For goodness sake, when she read Schrodinger, who she claimed ripped off a pony counterpart, she spent about a week experimenting with boxes and cats. Luckily, this time she seemed more easygoing.

“Oh, I just wanted to write a little report on the differences between pony and human societies and how they deal with criminals. I thought it might be something interesting for me and Starlight to work on together when I get back.” I frowned a little.

“Hmm,” I said gruffly. “Maybe you can teach her that taking ponies’ cutie marks is wrong,” I replied. Twilight frowned.

“She knows,” she replied simply. Realising that I was being a little childish, I relented and let out a breath.

“Twilight, can I ask you something?” I asked.

“Sure,” the alicorn replied, sitting down on her rear next to me.

“Why did you just let her get away with it?” I asked. “I get the reformation, and everything else. But I don’t understand why you just let her get away with attacking you, messing up the timelines and doing what she did to all those innocent ponies.”

I’d wanted to ask Twilight this for ages. I guess that, until now, the opportunity hadn’t presented itself. I was never truly cross with her about it. I was confused more than anything. Really, like most people, I just wanted to know why. Seeing that Twilight looked a little uneasy, I went on.

“C’mon, Twilight,” I said reassuringly. “I’m an academic. Present your argument, and I’ll gladly listen.” Now she went off at scratch.

“What would punishing Starlight achieve?” she asked, putting a question to my question. I thought for a moment.

“Well, it would give some satisfaction to the ponies she’d hurt.”

“How?”

“They get to see her suffer the consequences of her actions.”

“And how does that help them overcome what happened to them? Does it undo what Starlight did?”

“It ensures she doesn’t do it again.”

“Really?”

“If nothing else, punishment makes the offender fear it, and thereby avoid the undesired behaviour.”

“You’re implying that Starlight was rational when she did what she did. Yet I remember you arguing to have her put in a mental hospital.”

Damn, Twilight was good at this. Here I was, an advocate for bringing back hanging in Britain, and I was struggling to defend the concept of retributive or restorative justice.

“Punishment for negative behaviour works on lower animals. It works on sentient creatures, whether they’re rational or not.”

“And so after all that,” Twilight replied. “We end up with Starlight, as much a pariah as when she first arrived in Ponyville, just as reformed as she is now. What is the difference?”

“The bloody difference is that she got away with it!” I snapped, now running out of patience. “Nightmare Moon was destroyed, Discord turned to stone, Chrysalis flung into the badlands, Sombra blasted into atoms, and Tirek sent back into Tartarus. They all got what was coming to them.”

“And have any of those ponies been successfully reformed?” Twilight asked with a knowing smile. Damn it.

Relenting a little, Twilight continued.

“Roger, let me tell you what I think. You want Starlight to be punished because you want revenge. It’s a normal reaction, considering all that she did. But revenge doesn’t accomplish anything. It has no point. Starlight knows what she did is wrong, and she’ll carry that with her for the rest of her life. Isn’t that punishment enough?”

You know, I honestly hadn’t considered that. From the mouth of babes, I suppose. Starlight would indeed live with that guilt. She could never undo what she had done. No matter what else she might do, her actions would forever haunt her.

Just as my past actions continue to haunt me. It’s been over twenty years, and I’ll never forget what I did in Northern Ireland; things that would make my son ashamed to call me his father. I’ve gone on and led a successful career, and risen to a lofty situation. But I can never truly escape the mistakes of my past, only do my best to make up for them.

Twilight and I chatted for a little while longer before she had to leave. She’d given me a lot to think about. I was genuinely coming around to her point of view. And in all honesty, I probably would have, had Starlight not created the biggest non-world ending threat since that Want it, Need it spell Twilight did so many moons ago.

Needless to say, that kind of put a dent into any sort of revelation I might have had.

A few days later found me, once again in my office. Two royal guards were standing at their ready position on either side of the doorway, and the door itself had been bolted behind me when I walked in. It had been the same situation the last time Starlight came to my office. The young mare was sat in the seat across from and squirmed uncomfortably, doing her utmost to avoid meeting my gaze. She knew she was in deep trouble.

Let me explain for you what happened. After Twilight left, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy all gathered in the castle to spend some time with Starlight. The unbalanced unicorn planned to do all the activities at the same time; Applejack was going to help her with a scrapbook, she was going to do some baking with Pinkie, sewing with Rarity, tending to some animals with Fluttershy, and something called ‘chillaxing’ with Rainbow Dash.

Now, a normal, rational pony, or even Discord would have considered perhaps that these were too many commitments to take on at once and still spend quality time with Twilight’s friends. Not Starlight though, as ever she decided she’d use her magic to fix this problem. And remember, she was sitting in Twilight’s castle, with access to all sorts of important magical texts. A quick canter through Twilight’s personal collection, and she’d found a couple of spells that, properly combined, would help her get things done.

What this nutter created however, was nothing short of a hypnosis spell. After a blast of magic, it left all five ponies in the room hypnotised and deeply suggestible. Again, any normal pony, would at this point back peddle and try to do undo what they’d done. Not Starlight though, she just kept on trucking.

Trying to actually complete all the activities, she found that each of the girls took her commands quite literally. They had absolutely no free will of their own, or even useful consciousness. From what I heard from each of them, they didn’t remember anything from the moment Starlight hit them with her spell, until Twilight reversed it a couple hours later.

Anyway, things quickly got out of hand as Starlight tried to dash from one activity to the next. It ended up with Pinkie accidentally setting the kitchen on fire, and when Starlight asked Rainbow to ‘get some water’, the pegasus brought a rain cloud into the castle and pretty well flooded the place out. Thank goodness the walls and floors are all crystal is all I can say about that, otherwise it would have cost a pretty penny to clear up, magic or no, for Twilight.

Luckily for all concerned, at that moment, Twilight returned, and along with Spike, was utterly horrified at what her student had done in her brief absence. She spent the next few hours undoing all the damage Starlight had caused, including reversing the hodgepodge spell that she used on her friends.

The experience left all five mares experiencing symptoms similar to a bad hangover, which persisted for a good day or so before they were fully back to normal, and even Celestia isn’t sure if it’s possible to fully remove the implanted suggestions from their minds. The only upside to the whole incident was that nopony was seriously injured or worse.

As I said, at the time, I was up in Canterlot, and I didn’t hear what had happened until I ran into Bones on the way back from the train station. He told me how he’d spent some time talking with Starlight, and had managed to make her see the error of her ways. Believe it or not, at that point, she was still insisting that what she had done wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t until Bones pointed out just how serious mind control spells are that it hit home.

Speaking of things hitting, I hit the roof at the news. All afternoon, I’d believed what Twilight had said. Now though, by Celestia, I was going to put that unicorn in a very small box for a very long time. While not as bad as screwing with the space time continuum, or removing cutie marks from ponies, it was pretty up there. Hell, it wasn’t that far off what Chrysalis, flipping Chrysalis, had done to Shining Armor during the incursion several years ago. I didn’t care what Twilight had to say, I was going to make good on my threat. That little sociopath was going down!

Well, that’s what I would have done anyway. I was at my office first thing the next morning to make a start. I going to head in, and before I did anything else, I was going to draw up an indictment against Starlight and have her brought up on charges of assault. But to my surprise, I found Celestia waiting for me. She was just standing patiently in the middle of my office, her mane flowing the an invisible breeze, looking completely calm and serene as ever.

“Good morning, Roger,” she said, before adding. “We need to talk.”

“What about?” I asked, attempting to politely step around her, but she easily blocked me with her larger form.

“You know what,” she replied calmly. I paused to look her in the face.

“I’m having her brought in, Tia,” I said. “I know this is Twilight’s pet project, but I can’t see a pony get away with five counts of assault involving the use of forbidden magic. She has to face the consequences of her actions.”

“And she has,” Celestia replied. “Twilight has dealt with the matter, with the help of your son as I understand.”

“No, don’t try that, Tia,” I said, pointing a finger at her. “Starlight has had her second chance, and she’s done something almost as bad as her previous two crimes. I’m having her arrested and brought to trial. I’ll meet you halfway and aim for a lighter sentence, but this time there has to be a consequence.”

“And if I say no?” Celestia asked, a harder tone now evident in her voice, although her expression remained unchanged. I walked around behind my desk.

“C’mon, Tia,” I said pleadingly. “I don’t want to fight you on this. I respect what you’re trying to do, I understand where you and Twilight are coming from. But there comes a point where you can’t just let it slide. This is that point.”

“So what do you propose to do?” Celestia asked, now standing opposite me on the other side of my desk.

“Like I said,” I replied. “Bring her in, try her, and get a conviction. A modest sentence and then she can be released back to Ponyville.”

“And that accomplished what exactly?”

“Then she doesn’t do it again,” I answered.

“And if it doesn’t work, and she makes another mistake?”

“Then she goes back inside.”

“Again and again? Come now, Roger. You need only look at your own world to know that that is a recipe for disaster. ‘Prison is just a school for criminals’, I believe that’s what you once said.” I threw up my arms in annoyance.

“What do want me to do? Throw open the door of every cell in Equestria. What, it’s okay, you didn’t mean it, back on the street you go?”

“You know that’s not what I mean, my advisor,” she replied, a hint of anger in her voice now. “Nothing can be gained by throwing Starlight Glimmer into a dungeon. She has seen that what she did was wrong. Nopony was hurt, and they have all forgiven her. If nothing else, the matter is a case of no contest as far as prosecution goes.”

“Tia, don’t be stupid...” Now she jumped down my throat.

“Enough!” she princess barked in a sharp tone, her wings flaring out. I instantly felt like a scolded schoolboy. “You will leave Starlight Glimmer alone. Is that clear?” Once again, I was reminded that I was just an advisor, the buck stops with Tia.

“As a bell, princess,” I replied firmly. I hated this. The last thing I wanted first thing today was to exchange cross words with my boss and good friend.

With that, Celestia left, leaving me feeling like a jackass. She was right, you know. My argument didn’t hold much water. Starlight had faced consequences for her actions. I might not see them as sufficiently proportionate, but Celestia did, Twilight did, and everypony else did.

I spent the rest of the morning brooding irritably. My thoughts turned to my past university career. I’d gotten my doctorate in law a couple years before we wound up here. My thesis was on the effects of the justice system on young offenders, or in layman's turns, what happens when a twelve year old boy goes to jail. Needless to say, nine times out of ten, sending them to jail didn’t exactly stop repeat offending.

I stayed in my office, working at my desk, until lunch, to let any residual anger cool off. Celestia had had a point earlier. I had had pretty much a knee jerk reaction to Starlight’s actions. Back home, if you committed a crime, you were caught, arrested, sentenced and punished for it. But now, what was the point? Imprisonment is supposed to encourage the offender not to repeat their actions. Well, that had already been done for Starlight. And it would hardly give any satisfaction to her victims, since all of them had now recovered and had quite readily forgiven her in the manner of ponies. The only thing imprisoning her at this point would do would be foster a sense of resentment against those who put her there. If anything, it would make another serious faux pas even more likely, since Starlight would undoubtedly withdraw again, as she had when she’d gotten into her equality cult.

So, after much soul searching, I once again found myself clear headed and coming around to Celestia’s point of view, just as I had with Twilight. There was no point in throwing Starlight in jail at taxpayers’ expense. However, I did still believe that something needed to be done; something to put a shot across her bows. I know Twilight had given her a proper telling off, and Bones had done his best to show her the dangers of dark magic, but I felt I needed to add my two bits.

First things first though, I needed to apologise to Celestia for being an ass. If memory serves, the list of petitioners was fairly short today. It was getting on for lunch, so she ought to be free to see me.

Getting up from my desk, and locking the office door behind me, I made my way through the sunlit marble hallways to the throne room. On my way, I passed the large doors that held the new one. It was still nowhere near finished yet, but it was coming along nicely. It was high time Luna had a throne of her own. The new throne room was larger, and more open, with a beautiful circular stained glass window behind the two thrones, and a balcony that overlooked the city. I was looking forward to seeing it brought into use. I didn’t know it at the time, but its opening would also be the day Equestria faced one of its toughest tests.

Anyway, coming to the large doors of the old throne room, which was still in use, I passed the two sentries stationed outside and walked along the plush red carpet that led to the dais. The room was empty of petitioners for the moment. Celestia was sitting on her throne, two guards at the foot of it. A scroll and quill floated in her magic as she jotted down some final notes on some document or other. As I walked in, it promptly rolled itself up, and vanished in a teleportation spell.

Walking up to the throne, I offered a brief bow to the princess. I usually didn’t come in this way, but entered by a door off to the right used by Tia and her other advisors.

“I came to apologise,” I said simply. “You were right. There’s no point in throwing a silly girl in prison. I’m not going to activate the writ. And I’ve been a jackass to you.” Celestia beamed at me and stepped down off the throne to stand by me. Leaning down slightly, she embraced me in a friendly hug.

“You are forgiven, my friend,” she said gently, before withdrawing again.

“There was one thing I’d like to suggest though,” I added as she began to walk up the steps of the dais.

“Oh?” she asked, turning back to look over her shoulder.

“A spot of community service,” I said. “Nothing too drastic, just helping Twilight’s friends out with a few odd jobs to make up for the mess she caused.” Celestia chuckled.

“A wise course of action,” she admitted. “A punishment for Starlight’s actions, but still serving a purpose. I approve.”

Using her magic, she brought out a scroll and wrote a short note on it, before sending it away in her magic. The scroll turned into a mist like vapour and vanished out of the window.

“There,” she said. “Spike should receive that any second. I will leave the matter of the ‘community service’ in your hands.”

And so, offering another brief bow, I withdrew, feeling all the better for it.

A couple of days later, and Starlight had finally managed to get caught up on the work Twilight had given her in the first place. She’d spent some time with and gotten to know all of Twilight’s friends a little better. The whole accidental mind control thing was a case of water under the bridge as far as they were concerned.

In all honesty, I was of the same mind. I have no problem with forgiveness, but I don’t forget. I’d gone to visit Twilight not long after I got home from Canterlot. By then she’d received Celestia’s letter and agreed it was a sensible course of action, and would hopefully prevent Starlight from having to put up with any more stares out in public. Officially, the matter didn’t appear on her record. It was a more of a gentlecolt’s agreement as Celestia put it.

Starlight ended up doing various odd jobs for the next two weeks. Be that helping Spike reorganise the library for Twilight, help Applejack on her farm, which also gave her a chance to talk magic with my son, she helped Rarity by modelling a few dresses for her, Fluttershy by looking after her cottage while she and Discord spent some quality time together, Pinkie she helped fulfill a couple major baking orders at Sugarcube Corner, and Rainbow Dash had her watch her latest stunt routine. It was hardly terrible punishment; akin to making that annoying brat that used to live down the street from me clean off the graffiti he’d sprayed on the side of the house.

It certainly seemed to serve its purpose. A slap on the wrist to make sure she didn’t do anything like that again. Well, that was the plan at least.

As it turned out, Starlight would once again crop up on my radar before too long, but this time, it would be for a good reason. I would soon see both Celestia and Twilight vindicated on their views on friendship. In all honesty, I have to admit, that I owe that crazy mare a lot.

After all, if it wasn’t for her, I quite possibly wouldn’t be sitting here writing this, and you may very well not be here to read it either.

Equestria was once again to face a tough test from an old nemesis. And I was about to find myself determined to deal with somepony far more dangerous than a slightly off kilter unicorn.

Chapter 10 - Kidnap

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It was a couple weeks after the incident with Starlight, that Equestria was rocked by a sudden and violent attack. An attack that came without warning, and incredibly, went almost unnoticed. In fact, had certain parties not acted as promptly as they did, the plans of the vile changeling Queen Chrysalis may well have succeeded.

The story of how Starlight realised something was amiss in Ponyville, and of how Sunburst cleverly got Thorax down to join her, alerting her that the Crystal Empire had also been compromised, is well documented. What hasn’t really been discussed however, is what happened in Canterlot on that day. Well, I was there, and I can say that I played a major part in exposing the interlopers. The events of that day would also set me on a path for an encounter with one of Equestria’s most dangerous adversaries.

I wasn’t there for the actual snatch. Had I been, there probably wouldn’t have been much I could do to prevent it. I would most likely have been captured myself. I lay the blame for much of that on Captain Mareclellan, Shining’s replacement as Captain of the Royal Guard. He’d relaxed a good number of the security protocols that Shining had established in the aftermath of his wedding to Cadence. The guards had any number of challenge phrases and countersigns. Security crystals that worked in a manner similar to RFID cards were in use and the catacombs below the castle were heavily patrolled. Mareclellan though, citing the defence overspend of such measures in the absence of further changeling attempts, had them all scaled back and removed. I’d protested the move strongly at the time, and had fortunately kept my own challenge phrases both with the guards and the princesses themselves.

I arrived at the castle about six to seven hours after the abduction of both princesses. We now know there were eight changelings working in two teams of four. One grabbed Celestia in her bedroom, the others pretending to be guards, lured Luna away from the throne room and surprised her, knocking her out. Six then transported them to the Changeling Kingdom, while the other two replaced them.

It was insidious and makes me sick to my stomach to contemplate. I may not have been a traditional soldier. But at least I had the balls to show my face to the enemy, not like these skulking vermin that lurk in the shadows.

Initially, the deception worked. ‘Celestia’ attended her Day Court and ‘Luna’ retired to her room. However, as I’ve said before, while changelings are excellent at mimicking a target physically, they are poor actors. Their hunger gives them a short temper and no matter what, they can’t disguise the sickly green colour of their magic. It was the former of these that tipped me off.

At the time, it was just another day for me. I had one case to deal with in court, with the rest of the day catching up on paperwork. Quiet for a Friday, but I was hardly about to complain. The case wasn’t due to be heard until three that afternoon, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to drop by the quiet throne room and brief Celestia a little before things got underway.

As I made my way to the throne room, I was surprised to see Luna abroad. While she is awake in the day (contrary to popular belief, she does sleep a good portion of the night to use her dream walking magic) it was still a little odd to see her about at this hour. And even more unusual, she seemed to be looking about her, almost as if she’d somehow lost her way. Of course, having lived here for several years now, Luna knows the castle like the back of her hoof.

“Good morning, Luna,” I called out as we approached. “What’s got you up at such an hour?” The night princess turned to me, confusion on her face for a moment. The infiltrator was not only lost, but now trying to recall who I was so it didn’t blow its cover.

“Oh...erm...good morning, Advisor Owen,” she said. I was a little surprised by that. Even in court, neither princess refereed to me by my title. To the both of them, I was just Roger. Even when Tia was cross with me, she never called me that. It should have been a red flag, but I just put it down to tiredness. She went on.

“I was just touring the castle, taking a midday stroll.”

“That’s not like you, Luna,” I replied perplexedly. “Usually at this time of day, you’re catching up on your sleep. How was the dream world anyway?”

“Oh, it was quiet enough,” she replied non-committally. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to go and speak with Lieutenant Night Song.” And with that, she set off towards the dining rooms.

Night Song, the commander of the night time detachment of the guard, had his office at the other end of the castle. She really was frazzled.

“You know you’re heading to the dining room, right?” I asked. “Night Song’s office is back the other way.”

The alicorn awkwardly turned around, obviously embarrassed and unable to make eye contact.

“Oh...yes...of course,” she said unsteadily, before trotting back past me again. Smiling to myself, I shook my head as she trotted out of sight. I turned to one of the guards stationed in the hallway.

“Hey, do me a favour and run down to the kitchen to get her some strong black coffee.”

The stallion nodded and headed off on his errand.

I walked into the throne room, the case file for the petition that afternoon tucked under arm. As I walked in, I began to flick through my notes. The court was empty apart from Celestia who sat on her throne, and a few guards at their usual positions. I started briefing Celestia as I walked over.

“Hey, Tia,” I said as I strolled in. “So, this looks like another one of those stupid patent disputes again. Do you want me to...” Celestia however, cut me off abruptly.

“What did you call me?!” she barked in a demanding voice that I’d never heard her use before. This was reinforced by the way she stood up from her throne, flared out her wings and glared at me with nothing short of contempt.

I stopped dead in my tracks and looked up at her in shock. In all my years of service, I’ve never known Celestia to actually shout. She’s used her version of the Royal Canterlot Voice on a mere handful of occasions, but never directed towards me. I imagine the look on my face was one of hurt and surprise.

“Tia,” I repeated, with noticeably less confidence. The alicorn walked down the dais and stopped right in front of me. Her slightly taller stature let her loom over me; something I’m not used to here in Equestria. She spoke to me more quietly now, but still in a voice dripping with disgust.

“When you address me, advisor, you are addressing your ruler. I do not expect you to refer to me by such an informal name. You call me Princess or Your Highness. Is that understood?!”

What the hell? If this was anypony else, I might understand, but Celestia has let me call her by her nickname since I first started working for her It was a sign of our friendship. Why was she acting like she’d never agreed to that? She snorted and roughly shouldered her way past me, which was almost enough to knock me on my rear. Again, Celestia never got physical with anypony.

“I’m going to my chambers now,” she said coldly. “And when I return I expect you to have remembered basic court etiquette!”

And with that parting shot, she stormed out. I was completely and utterly stunned. For several moments, I was rooted to the spot, processing what had just happened and trying to make some sense of it. In desperation, I turned to the guards at the foot of the throne.

“What the hay?” I asked the two of them crossly. “One of you piss in her tea or something?!” Both guards shrugged their shoulders.

“She’s been like that all morning, sir,” the one on the left replied. “Damn near tore the last petitioners head off for ‘wasting her time’. I’ve been doing this job nearly ten years, and I’ve never seen the princess that mad. If it’s any consolation, it’s not just you. She seems to be mad at everypony.”

Okay, this was odd. No, scratch that, it was beyond odd, it was seriously weird and wrong. Even when she was staring down Discord, Celestia didn’t fly off the handle. She was always composed. And I’ve never heard of her losing it on a subject. Hell, she once listened to a guy rant on and on for the better part of an hour about how some wind turbines being built near his house were beaming sonic rays in an effort to read his thoughts. Something was definitely amiss.

And by Jove, I was going to get to the bottom of it.

Turning around, I walked briskly out of the throne room, following Celestia’s trail. She certainly did seem to be in a fearsome temper, judging by the way ponies were scrambling to get out of her way. As I followed her, I kept racking my brains for an answer. What in Equestria could cause Celestia to not only lose her temper, but then lash out at ponies that didn’t deserve it?

Up ahead, I heard the door to her chambers slam shut with an almighty thud. I soon found myself standing before the imposing double doors that marked the entrance to her private apartments. Even I’d only been in her on a handful of occasions; when matters to be discussed were too sensitive for open court.

I was contemplating either knocking on the door or walking in. Both options had the potential to get my head bitten off again. Hopefully, I could talk her down from whatever ledge she was on. Whatever it was, my friend needed my help, whether she wanted to admit it or not.

I was just about to turn the handle, when I picked up the sound of voices coming from inside the apartment. I strained my ears to listen, but I couldn’t make out what was being said. One voice was clearly Celestia, the other, I couldn’t place. Who the hell would she be talking to in there. Literally, the only ponies allowed in there are Luna, a handful of trusted guards and some maids.

Deciding to tread carefully before making my entrance, I gently pulled on the handle and opened the door a crack.

What I saw, made my blood run cold.

There was Celestia. She was facing a mirror on the far wall of the main. And reflected in that mirror, clearly using it to communicate, was Chrysalis.

It wasn’t Celestia! It was a fucking imposter, an infiltrator! Where the fuck was Celestia? And what about Luna? The minor incident with her also acting oddly flew into my mind. Had they both been replaced? Who else? Could I trust anypony? I found myself on the verge of panicking, but I didn’t bolt. I stayed quiet for a moment. Then it came to me.

I needed to raise the alarm. And I needed to stop this imposter now, otherwise it would just muddy the waters. We had a whole system for this kind of incident; challenges and countersigns. The bugs wouldn’t know them, just like they didn’t know all sorts of little things, like how Celestia allowed me to call her Tia.

At that moment, two guards, on their usual patrol route passed by. They saw what I was up to and called out to me. Luckily, by then I’d closed the door.

“Mr. Owen, is everything alright?” I spun around in surprise.

“Flash!” I called out sharply. That was the standard guard challenge. All three responded at once.

“Thunder!” they all said back. They were guards, thank God.

“Welcome,” I replied, finishing the exchange, before explaining the situation. “This is not an exercise. The princess has been replaced by a changeling. I just saw her communicating with Chrysalis. You three are to back me up and help restrain the bug. Understand?” The three of them, to their credit, didn’t miss a beat, despite the fear that flashed across their faces.

“Understood, sir,” the lead guard replied stoicly.

I found myself falling back into old habits. Back in my days with the UVF, I’d burst my way in to plenty of homes and businesses. Rapid entry was no stranger to me. The four of us stacked up by the door. The unicorn of the group would cast a stun spell, then me and the other two would go for the grab. It might look like Tia, but it didn’t have her magical ability.

I counted us down from three, and with that, we put our plan into action. I opened the door just enough for the unicorn to use his spell, and the the lot of us charged in. Naturally, that woke up half the castle. It also tripped a couple alarms in the suite itself. The castle would be locked down and on high alert in thirty seconds.

Charging in, I saw the disguised bug look at me in shock for a split second as I threw myself at it. Tackling it to the floor, I grabbed its horn to limit its ability to use magic, while the other two guards grabbed onto flailing limbs. Between the three of us, we were able to pin it down. That didn’t stop it from trying something though.

“Guards! Guards! Help me!” it called out in Celestia’s voice, trying to cast a spell in the process. I quickly moved to cover its mouth.

Before too long, we were a knot of struggling ponies, scrambling about on the floor, each side trying to get the upper hand. Each of the pegasi guards had small sharp blades on the leading edges of their wings to be used for air fighting. Grabbing one of these, I held it to the disguised changeling’s neck.

“Be quiet, or I'll make you be quiet!” I warned. That got the bug to give up. A moment later, the unicorn guard was able to hit it with a stun spell, sparking it out.

Taking a breath, I got up from the large body. Despite being unconscious, the disguise spell was still active. It was then that I realised that we weren’t the only ponies in the room.

On the mirror, watching with cold detachment, was Chrysalis herself. Obviously, despite our entrance, the spell allowing for communication hadn’t been cut. There was but one thought it my mind at that moment; kill her. Getting up from the scrap, I walked slowly over to the mirror. She watched me, staring me dead in the face. She didn’t know me, but I knew her. I decided to let her know just who she was fucking with.

I didn’t realise until later, but at this moment, my old Irish accent reasserted itself. I suppose it was fitting, considering how I was falling back on old skills and habits.

“I don’t know who you are,” I said, as I slowly walked toward the mirror. That was a lie.

“I don’t know what you want.” Another lie.

“If you’re looking for food, I can tell you that I don’t have any love for you to take.” A third lie, now for some simple, honest truth.

“But what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills that I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.” I paused as the queen continued to stare impassively at me before making my demands plain.

“If you let my friends go now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you. I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” That wasn’t a threat. That was a promise.

Chrysalis remained silent for a moment. Her expression was still unreadable. But then she smiled, and said something only riled my anger up further.

“Good luck.”

And with that, she cut the transmission. I stood there silent for a moment before emotion got the better of me and I smashed the mirror with a punch, badly cutting up my one hand.

So, SITREP. Both princesses had been captured and replaced, and taken off to the Changeling Kingdom. Worse still, it soon became clear that both Ponyville and the Crystal Empire were compromised as well. The saving grace was that we managed to get out ahead of them. Word was quietly passed, in code, to the Crystal Guard, which saw the replacement Shining and Cadence captured. We also discovered that the bastards had kidnapped Flurry Heart as well. As for Ponyville, the bugs must have realised something was up and barricaded themselves in Twilight’s castle. For the time being, they were no threat.

The problem now was that we had no one in charge. Chrysalis had performed a highly effective decapitation strike. There was no one left to lead. Both Canterlot and the Empire ended up forming emergency governments, quietly of course, which would direct a military response.

We were going to war against the Changelings.

First things first, establish if Luna really was Luna or, much more likely, another infiltrator. If that was the case needed it lifted quickly. The fake Celestia, as I said, was knocked out. A quick dampening spell nullified her disguise, leaving us staring at an unconscious changeling drone. It was quickly hauled off to the castle dungeons.

Meanwhile, after posting a guard on her apartments, I led a group of guards, who were now switching challenge phrases every thirty minutes to guard against possible infiltration attempts, off to Luna’s tower to determine her bone fides.

Out of courtesy, the ponies joining me were from the night section of the guard, four threstrals and two unicorns. Each had been checked to prove their identity.

One thing I should point out, was that, after the initial alarm, in order to keep any other potential spies from causing havoc, I had the situation written off as a training exercise. As far as ninety percent of the guard, along with all of Canterlot below were concerned, all was quiet in Canterlot castle. The fake Luna had been informed of this, as had all the guards in the tower. The only ponies who knew we were in a state of unparalleled emergency, and were now operating under emergency wartime conditions, were roughly twenty senior members of the guard and a handful of advisors.

Now, why was I leading the guards you ask? Well, simple really. Courtesy of that idiot Mareclellan, who was currently in his office panicking, there were no challenge phrases for the guards to use for the princesses. Mareclellan had deemed them above suspicion when he’d scaled back the defence plans. I meanwhile, not so quick to let my guard down, had kept a single phrase for both Tia and Luna. Even without that, I was close friends with both princesses and could, with a much greater sense of certainty, be sure they were who they said they were.

And so, I found myself leading six guards to Luna’s tower to possibly arrest the Princess of the Night, or least the creature pretending to be her. As we walked, I quietly discussed our plan with Strong Shield, who was in charge of training and unbeknownst to most, a changeling defector, who had assumed direct command of the troops after Mareclellan froze up.

“Remember,” I was saying. “Once it knows its cover is blown, we’ll need to move fast. It will most likely try to run, hide and switch disguises to cause more havoc. We can’t let that happen. Ideally, we get it alive to interrogate it along with its friend. But it does not leave that room. All other concerns are secondary. Understood?”

“Yes, sir,” Strong Shield replied. He looked away for a moment, and I saw the fear in his one good eye. The other had been injured by his countrymen when he switched sides during the wedding. I tried to be reassuring.

“Courage, my friend,” I said warmly. “We’ll get her back.” Now Strong Shield’s expression turned to anger.

“I know that, sir,” he replied, his voice now ice cold. “I just hope we can stand up to this new assault. I’ve no desire to meet up with my old queen again.

If anypony had a reason to be scared, it was Strong Shield. As a traitor to the changelings, I have no doubt Chrysalis would love to have his head on a stick.

“Keep a hold of your emotions, captain,” I warned. “Try to take it alive if possible.”

We now came upon the door to Luna’s tower. Here there were two normal guards on post. Both moved to block our approach.

“Sorry, sir,” the one on the left said. “I can’t let you in without authorisation.”

“Flash,” I barked.

“Thunder!” both guards said back.

“Welcome,” I finished, before continuing on to what I wanted. I kept it short and sweet. “Under authority given to me by the Preservation of Equestria Act, I hereby command you to stand down and give up your post to these officers with me.” Both guards looked at each other.

“Sir?” the one on the right asked.

“You heard me,” I replied. “Stand down and get out of my way.”

“Mr. Owen, only the princesses can authorise action under that act. Without their...” I cut him off.

“The princesses are missing. Celestia has been replaced by a changeling. I need to see if the same has happened to Princess Luna. Now, will you kindly feck off?”

That was more than enough for the pair, who quickly opened the double door to Luna’s tower. Leaving instructions for them to stay at their post and act as if all was well, we hurried up the stairs. I found myself wishing I was younger or fitter as I struggled to keep up with the galloping guards.

Running up the spiral staircase, we eventually found ourselves at the top, in front of the door to Luna’s private chambers. I knocked on the door loudly.

“Luna! Open up!” I bellowed. There was a startled yelp from within, and a moment later, Luna’s face appeared at the door. She sneered at me, clearly not too happy about this sudden intrusion into her privacy.

“This had better be important, Advisor Owen,” she said with some annoyance. No way this was Luna. Still, only one way to be completely certain.

“Armagh and Antrim, Londonderry and Down,” I said, using the challenge phrase known only to myself and the princesses. After all, who else could rattle off the correct response; the other two counties that made up Northern Ireland.

Not a changeling it seems, since the fake Luna looked simply confused by my bizarre statement, instead of replying 'Tyrone and Fermanagh, stand true with the Crown.'; the correct countersign.

“What in Equestria are you on about you stupid ape?” Luna asked in disgust.

That was more than enough for me. Using the element of surprise, the seven of us rushed her at once, with me bodily tackling her to the floor. This one had a lot less fight in it, and in an effort to escape my grasp, dropped its disguise, reducing its overall size to that of a normal pony. But six ponies and a human were more than enough to restrain both its limbs and its insect like wings. Less than thirty seconds after I knocked on the door, and the blighter was in irons, to be taken down to join its friend in the dungeons.

Further checks were completed by two that afternoon, and no other infiltrators were found. Everything was still being kept quiet, but we were now at last in a position to offer some sort of military response. The only problem was what to do. We had no idea where the royals and the elements had been taken, or what Chrysalis’ overall plan was. But now that her ruse had been exposed, it was likely that we could expect a full blown conventional attack at any time.

Now, while Equestria’s princess might have been MIA, the country was far from leaderless. While my idea of creating a designated survivor hadn’t yet got off the ground (and in all truth it wouldn’t have helped much anyway, since all the royals were kidnapped from separate locations) Equestria did have an emergency plan to form an interim government in the absence of the princesses. It had been created way back when Nightmare Moon first returned. With Celestia missing, the government needed to continue functioning, at least in terms of making military decisions. And so they had formed this emergency council. The best analogue to Earth I can give is the American ‘Looking Glass’ airborne command post, or the British COBRA group.

I actually had a hand in setting the body up in its more modern form, to the point where the pony version was given the same acronym designation, which is nowhere near as cool as it first sounds. COBRA simply stands for Cabinet Office Briefing Room A. It was in the lower levels of the castle, spartan and dark, with loads of maps and a large round table for the members to gather around; everything you’d expect from what was essentially a war room. The group was made up of both senior advisors to the princesses, like myself, and high ranking officers of the Royal Guard.

In time of emergency, a situation could be passed up to COBRA and the group would be formed, temporarily taking control of the Equestrian government. Naturally, as soon as I made my report to the guard, the situation was raised at COBRA level and a meeting convened. The castle was sealed up tight, with the guards under orders to admit no one in or out until further notice.

I headed down to the briefing room with Strong Shield. As a senior officer in the guard, he had a seat at the table. However, there was also another benefit. While none of the other members knew it, I knew that Strong Shield was a changeling, and as a former infiltrator, his knowledge and experience would be invaluable in getting the princesses back.

“We can at least work out something close to a plan,” I was saying to him as we came to the bottom of the steps. “Realistically, our first priority is going to have to be blunting the initial conventional attack and organising a counteroffensive. Changelings rely on blitz attacks to work. If we can weather the storm, we’ll have a chance at getting the princesses free.”

“I just hope everypony will be able to keep calm and actually work all this out. Situations like this are a recipe for chaos,” Strong Shield remarked. “Particularly with someone as gutless as Mareclellan at the head.” As the captain of the guard, Mareclellan would be in charge of proceedings.

“C’mon,” I replied. “These aren’t those flower sisters back in Ponyville. It’s not like they’re all going to be running around like headless chickens.”

And with that, I opened the door.

And I was quickly confronted by a group of ponies running around like headless chickens. Everypony was trying to shout over everypony else, nopony was listening, and very little was being achieved. It was like walking into the House of Commons. I sighed and turned to Strong Shield.

“I see what you mean,” I said.

We stood there for a moment, unsure of where to begin. Eventually, after watching Mareclellan and Night Song almost come to blows, I put a couple fingers in my mouth and let out a sharp whistle. The sound was sudden enough to catch everypony’s attention.

“That’s better,” I said, briefly enjoying being the centre of attention. “Now what in the name of Celestia is going on here? This meeting is supposed to be about organising our response to this attack.” Mareclellan, who was seated at the top of the table turned to me.

“Well, Mr. Owen,” he said. “I would if Night Song here would agree to fall in line and follow orders.”

“Don’t you try it, Mareclellan,” Night Song snarled back. “I always said you were too soft. We need to assemble a force now to strike before the changelings have time to mobilise.”

“No, we need to organise a larger force to defend Canterlot,” Mareclellan argued.

“A larger force just increases the risk of infiltration!” Night Song shot back. The various government ministers now began to join in on the argument, and things threatened to boil over again.

“Alright! Alright! Enough!” I shouted over the din. The group again fell silent and Strong Shield and I took our own seats. “Now, first of all, can we come to an agreement? We are all here to protect our homeland. We’re not going to achieve that by shouting over each other and coming up with on the spot plans. What are our options?”

“Word hasn’t yet got out that anything is amiss,” Local Rag, the group’s media liaison said. “As far as anypony in Equestria or the Crystal Empire is concerned, it’s just another day. But ponies are starting to ask questions. Eventually, if we don’t control the spread of information, we’re going to have a panic on our hooves.”

“So what, we shut down the presses and cut the telegraph wires?” Golden Coins, the finance minister, asked. “Sooner or later, ponies will find out. We need this mess contained before then.”

“Contained how?” Night Song asked. “The princesses are missing as are the bearers of the Elements. We have no defence against a powerful enemy like the changelings.”

“What about the Crystal Heart?” I suggested. “It took out Sombra without trouble, and he’s way more dangerous than the changelings.”

“But how can we get that down here, never mind the Changeling Kingdom? A few minutes without the Crystal Heart and our friends in the north would be buried under snow drifts.”

“Even if you could, it wouldn’t help,” Strong Shield replied. “Chrysalis’ throne blocks all magic that isn’t her own kind. That means unicorns can't use their magic. Hay, I’d be surprised if even Discord could do anything in that stuff.”

“Hey, how do you know that?” Mareclellan asked. Strong Shield hesitated, realising his misstep. Luckily, he was able to recover quickly and do what changelings do best.

“I read the intelligence reports we got from that recon mission several months back. You should try it sometime.”

“I still believe it may be possible to contact Princess Luna,” Night Song suggested. “While she may be imprisoned, even in a cocoon, she can achieve sleep and use her dream walking to contact ponies. She might even be able to help us come up with a plan.”

“So, your plan is to talk to the princesses?” Mareclellan said incredulously.

“I have faith in my princess,” Night Song retorted. As a member of the lunar detachment, his devotion to Luna was unrivalled. Many of the guards even continued to practice the old religion built around worship of the moon. Mareclellan didn’t much care for it.

“Spare me your religious mumbo jumbo, Night Song,” he sneered, causing Night song to scowl and his horn to begin to glow. He continued.

“Your sad devotion to that nonsensical cult didn’t help you foresee this mess, or give you clairvoyance enough to help us find...” That was as far as he got before Night Song ran out of patience.

I was looking down at some notes I was making when I heard Mareclellan let out a strangled gasp. A thin ring of magic was surrounding his neck. I almost laughed when Night Song next spoke.

“I find your lack of faith disturbing,” he remarked coldly.

“Enough of this!” I snapped irritably. “Night Song! Release him!” A moment later, Mareclellan was struggling to get his breath back.

“For goodness sake, this bickering is pointless!” I said in dismay. “We need a solid plan to get the princesses back and blunt any changeling attack. Otherwise we’re all going to be in cocoons by the end of the week!”

That, as it turned out, was enough of an impetus to get them all to stop arguing. I ended up taking the lead somewhat after that point. Mareclellan, as I’ve said before, doesn’t really have the chops for leadership.

So, for the next seven hours, we planned, plotted, and prepared for the attack that was sure to come. Strong Shield, under the guise of intelligence gathered from captured changelings after the wedding, advised us of how the attack would most likely involve a second wave of infiltration, followed by a general assault. The idea being to disrupt any command and control.

Most of the important government personnel had already dispersed to their assigned safe houses. Again, the idea was that by scattering, it would be harder for the changelings to completely paralyse the government. In a sense, it hearkened back to the nature of ponies and horses.

At the same time though, I pushed for a daring counterstrike. After all, as far as the bugs knew, we were none the wiser. There was certainly a good chance that we might be able to attack first while the changelings were still mobilising. After all, let’s not forget, during the wedding ,the guard was disorganised and caught off balance. Against six mares, the changelings had struggled to hold the line. A concerted attack by a well disciplined force could prove decisive. While they might be a conventional force, changelings were not suited to a stand up fight on equal terms. That was when ponies would have the advantage.

It was as we were discussing our two options; weather the storm, then retaliate, or launch a raid into enemy country to stall any potential attack, that there was a knock at the door. We all started. Two guards were posted outside the locked and magically sealed doors, with orders to admit no one under any circumstances.

Getting to my feet, I prepared to possibly fight. This may well be the next wave of infiltrators come to grab and replace us. I remembered the advice I was given by my training officer back when I first joined the UVF.

‘Our biggest fear is kidnapping. If someone tries to lift you; run, shoot your way out, or shoot yourself. I don’t plan on spending six months negotiating anyone’s release with the Provos.’

We all stayed stock still for a moment. Then we heard the sound of the lock, sealed by unicorn magic, being opened. It would take someone with a considerable amount of magical power to do that. Just as we prepared for a confrontation, I was met by a familiar face. It was Celestia.

Or at least, it looked like her. What better ploy was there? The crisis was over and we could drop our guard, right? I wasn’t buying it just yet, and nor were Strong Shield or Night Song. Mareclellan just looked relieved that the waiting was over. Celestia was accompanied by a group of guards, all of whom looked very relieved. The two groups stared at each other across the threshold.

“Armagh and Antrim, Londonderry and Down,” I said to her warily. I can’t tell you how glad I was when she replied.

“Tyrone and Fermanagh, stand true with the Crown.” The correct countersign. It was Celestia!

And so, with much relief all around, COBRA was stood down and authority returned to the two sisters. I remember in my excitement, I ended up hugging Celestia, which actually made her smile. As a rule, I’m not big on human contact. Everypony was just glad to know that the danger was over. But more than that, there’d been quite the paradigm shift in the last hour or so.

As of today, there was peace between Equestria and the Changeling Kingdom.

Didn’t see that one coming.

When Celestia told me how Starlight and the others had managed to get into the hive and face Chrysalis, ultimately defeating her, I was more than a little surprised. Firstly, that Starlight of all ponies was the one mainly responsible for Celestia standing before me. But in addition to that, the changelings had a new ruler. Chrysalis, while not dead, was soundly beaten.

According to Celestia, the little unicorn and her friends, including Discord, had made their way through the hive and reached the throne room. There they had faced Chrysalis. Or rather, she and Thorax did, as the others were captured by the bugs after they got separated in the maze that was the hive. Chrysalis had made Thorax pretty quickly and forcibly deactivated his disguise. Then, as punishment for his betrayal, she’d begun to drain the love he’d gained out of him, to the point where it would most likely be fatal. But at the last moment, Starlight told him to give his love freely, sharing it instead of keeping it for himself. What happens next was explained by Twilight, who had also come up to Canterlot before heading back to Ponyville.

Apparently, Thorax giving his love freely overloaded Chrysalis with energy. This in turn caused an overflow of her energy reserves, which caused the love to manifest as an extremely potent magical blast. When this emotional charged energy wave hit the changelings assembled in the room, it created a self sustaining energy matrix, charged with positive and love based energy.

In the King’s English, it turned all the changelings from their usual frightening selves into pretty, multicoloured creatures, with all the holes filled in. But more importantly, they now no longer needed to feed on love to survive. They were able to share it all, with plenty to go around. Thorax had told me before that changelings lived in a perpetual state of hunger. That now, thanks to whatever Thorax and Starlight had done, was at an end. They would never need to feed on anypony again.

The blast had been powerful enough to blow the lid clean off of the hive and free everypony. The newly altered changelings quickly turned on Chrysalis, rallying around Thorax, who was now almost as large as Luna with stag like antlers coming out of his head. And with four alicorns, the Elements of Harmony and Discord (who was furious beyond measure with Chrysalis for ponynapping Fluttershy) angrily staring her down, she fled.

Starlight had tried to reason with her, and offered her a hoof in friendship. And from what I heard, for a moment, she almost accepted it. But only for a moment. It seemed that, like Tirek and Sombra, Chrysalis was beyond redemption. Nopony knew exactly where she had fled, but she was a lot less dangerous now without an army at her beck and call.

And so, with everypony safe, the crisis came to an end. There was some trouble flushing out the changelings that had replaced the elements, who had dug themselves in at Twilight’s castle, but the Royal Guard was able to regain some lost honour and launch a brief raid that resulted in their capture.

The rest of my week was spent dealing with the fallout. A brief batch of trials were held for the captured changelings before repatriating them back. For once, the Nuremberg defence was accepted as valid, considering how Chrysalis dealt with any dissent. But it was another month before the first official peace treaty was signed, along with a non-aggression pact.

But there was one thing that stood out to everypony. COBRA was ineffective. Equestria couldn’t be run by committee. In time of emergency, we needed a single leader who could rally everypony around the flag and get things done.

All of a sudden, my designated survivor idea was suddenly at the top of the docket.

Chapter 11 - Designated Survivor

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The one thing, if you ask me, that sets ponies apart from us humans, is their resilience; their ability to bounce back and move on with life. Let’s say the recent changeling incident happened on Earth, in Britain. So you have the PM, the Deputy PM and half Cabinet and Shadow Cabinet kidnapped. To say nothing of the absolute panic, the knock on effects would be tremendous. Britain would probably end up as a real life Airstrip One from 1984, to say nothing of the endless news cycle, the debates, public inquiries, continuous blaming and shaming of whoever was thought to be responsible. In contrast, in Equestria, the princesses came back, and about a week later, it was like the whole thing never happened. Okay, sure, Luna apparently tore Mareclellan a new one and ordered that all of Shining’s security arrangements be reinstated, cease fire or no, but there was no panic, no rampant paranoia. Terrorism it seems, would be most ineffective in Equestria. Sure, at the time they might be terrified, but the actions of a few screwed up villains does not really seem to leave a lasting impression.

It’s not burying it though. They aren’t just repressing the trauma. Ponies do just seem to have this remarkable mental faculty to live in the moment. Instead of thinking about all the ways that scenario could have led to the end of Equestria, the general consensus could be summed up as; ‘it could have, but it didn’t’. And if you ask me, that’s a pretty good mindset to have. I certainly wouldn’t mind it.

I suppose I should fill you in on what happened next. After the last changelings surrendered, there was a fair bit of trouble with repatriating them back to their kingdom. Technically, there were enemy spies, or at the very least were detained as prisoners of war. With Thorax having taken over as interim leader for the moment, there had been a quick, somewhat official cease fire, which was due to give way to an official peace treaty, bringing the conflict between ponies and changelings to a close in what can only be described as a decisive Equestrian victory. Chrysalis, as it turns out, never looked up the definition of insanity.

With the princesses back in Canterlot and everything stabilised, we waited for word from the Changeling Kingdom. Obviously, they’d drawn their horns in for several weeks, having undergone something between a bloodless revolution and an Equestrian imposed regime change. Thorax, while not claiming the title of king, was now officially in charge, and all but a few changelings had transformed into their new technicolour variants. One of the few holdouts was apparently his own brother, who retained his position in the changeling military.

As for Chrysalis herself, nopony had seen hide nor hair of her, not that she has either. I had no doubt that she would be planning something, but alone, she was far less dangerous. There was no doubt that eventually she would find herself either in a cell or a box.

But on to happier subjects. Starlight, Trixie, Discord and Thorax were all honoured in a ceremony in Twilight’s castle. I never thought I’d see the day Discord of all people won himself a gong, and for gallantry no less. The incident also did greatly improve my opinion of Starlight, and while there was one more serious incident for her down the road, I considered this a massive leap forward, having shown an ability to work with her newfound friends to help save the day. Conversely, they say you send a thief to catch a thief.

Still, Chrysalis was beaten, the changelings were now friends, and all seemed right with the world. After the stress of the past couple weeks (believe it or not, serious geopolitical shifts cause me no amount of paperwork and court dates to attend) Celestia had been kind enough to grant me some leave. I’ll admit I am something of a workaholic. I get plenty of leave each year; a benefit of my senior position as one of Celestia’s advisors, and typically, I usually end up only using a small amount for the odd weekend holiday, as well as taking my and my wife’s birthdays off, along with our anniversary. But after the calamities, Celestia was insistent that I take some time to relax and if nothing else, spend time with darling wife.

She’s a good boss, I’ll say that much.

There was actually something on the books this week that had caught my eye. I’d seen a poster at Ponyville train station for an art exhibition that was coming to town. It was being staged by Spearhead, a senior member of the Royal Guard and an old friend of Shining Armor’s. He’s also quite possibly a bit of a Section 8, but that’s another story. The art seems to do him a world of good in any case, even if he isn’t quite the full shilling. He’s a nice enough guy, and from what I’ve seen of his work, he has quite a lot of talent.

Margaret is quite the art lover too. Before we ended up here in Equestria, our last holiday had been to Florence and Venice, by way of the Vatican, and we’d taken the opportunity to soak up plenty of Renaissance art. So when I told her that I’d been given a week’s leave and specific instructions from my gaffer to relax and enjoy myself, she was more than happy to go and see the exhibit. It was certainly fortunate that her own time off from school, what with the summer break and all, coincided with my own little holiday.

I was able to get us a couple of tickets, via Spearhead himself. He was still up in Canterlot at the moment. I’m actually a little surprised that he’s kept his position in the guard. From what I’ve heard, his art has caused quite a stir and some of his pieces are valued at hundreds, if not thousands, of bits apiece. While guards do get a decent salary for their work, it paled in comparison to what he could get by relying on his passion full time. I found him in the officers mess at lunch to pay for and collect the tickets. He was an orange pegasus with a two tone stripped blue mane, not too dissimilar to Shining. He was a tad smaller than the former captain, but still an impressive size. At the moment, being off duty, he was out of uniform and wore only a red and white chequered shemagh; something he’d picked up while stationed in distant Saddle Arabia. It was wrapped around his neck and shoulders in the style of your American Tier One types instead of the headdress of the locals. He was currently doodling in a sketchbook by the looks of things, the pencil being manipulated by his left wing tip.

You know, when we first got here, Bones always said to me that he was glad he ended up as a unicorn, as his magic allowed him to replace his lost hands. He said he couldn’t imagine having to work with hooves. However, of late, he’s retracted that view, admitting that both pegasi wings and the hooves of earth ponies can be almost as dexterous. Pegasi can even use individual feathers in a manner not too dissimilar to fingers.

Spearhead looked up as I walked in. Despite the hour, the mess was deserted at the moment. After recent events, Mareclellan had decided to fly the flag a little and was busy conducting an exercise with most of the guard in the city.

“Hey, Spearhead,” I said, keeping my voice a little lower than normal so as not to interrupt his muse. “You got those tickets for me?” The guard looked up from his work.

“Oh, hey there, Roger,” he replied jovially. “Yeah, sure, I’ve got them right here.” He placed two paper tickets, not unlike plane tickets, on the table. I picked them up and replaced them with the small stack of bits I owed.

“And there’s your ten bits,” I replied. Spearhead pocketed the funds without counting them.

“Thanks,” he said, beginning to return to his sketchbook. “You know, you’re lucky. That’s the last pair of tickets the organisers gave me. This show’s going to be a blast! I can’t wait to see how my art speaks to ponies from all over Equestria! It’s certainly going to be nice not to have to be the only one talking to all those sculptures!”

See what I mean? I think that’s what they call the artistic temperament, although God knows what he went through during the wedding, it would have shook anypony up. It’s actually impressive how he’s managed to pull himself together again. I just think it’s his way of coping and dealing with what happened. And, to be fair, at least he doesn’t bark like Screw Loose does. Poor girl. Spearhead continued.

“And it’ll be nice to have somepony else from work showing up too,” he added.

“Oh, who else is coming then?” I asked. Please not Discord.

“The cap and Princess Cadence,” he replied, referring to Shining Armor by his informal title from when he held command. “We ain’t seen each other in months, so we figured this would be a good time to catch up, especially now he’s settled into the whole dad gig. The two of them are coming down to Ponyville to see the exhibition.”

Well, that was a nice bit of news. I was looking forward to seeing the exhibit and spending the day with the memsahib, but a lot of art lovers, particularly rich ones, tend to be dull and boring, or worse, snobbish jackasses. So, it was nice to hear that there’d be a couple of familiar faces too. Like Spearhead, it had been a while since I’d had a chance to see Shining (he and Cadence went directly back to the empire after being freed, so our paths didn’t really cross) and Margaret and Cadence are on pretty good terms as well. If nothing else, it’ll be nice to hear how the pair are getting on with little Flurry now that she’s settled down more or less.

Thanking him for the tickets, and wishing him the best of luck for the exhibition, I headed off to my own lunch. Celestia has asked me to join her and Luna for a spot of Mornington Crescent over tea.

Ah yes, Mornington Crescent, a game that dates back to the days when the Austrian Empire ruled over the most of central Europe. Originally devised as a means for Germanic princes to settle land disputes as far back as the twelfth century, it has evolved and grown over the years into the modern form we are familiar with today. It’s simple yet complex gameplay has inspired stories, films, plays, and of course, the London Underground network, which was directly inspired by the game’s nineteenth century variant.

Like chess, Mornington Crescent is a game that is simple to learn, yet deeply trying to master. A new player is only provided with two rules upon starting their first game. Firstly, they must move their playing piece from its starting station to Mornington Crescent, whilst hindering the progress of their rivals. Secondly though, one cannot travel directly to the station itself, but must get there via indirect means. Everything else is learnt entirely by trial and error. The practice encourages experienced players to support novices and, in spite of the competitive nature of the game, foster a sense of mutual respect and good will. Given time, a novice learns the many nuances and eventually comes to be able to act as a referee for a game himself.

I’d first introduced the game to both royal sisters not long after I began working in the castle, when Celestia first invited me to lunch. Back then, she and Luna played chess. Not only were they of such equal skill that each game ended in a tie, but there was little for me to do but spectate. So I suggested we try another board game, and after some setbacks involving both Risk and Monopoly (during which I learned Luna is a sodding cheater; I know she was hiding extra bits in her horseshoe so she could win) I suggested that we try Mornington Crescent. It was easy enough to get most of the necessary playing pieces one way or another. The only hard part was finding a map of the underground and one of London. Luckily, when the rift opened around New Year’s Eve, it happened to spew out, amongst other things, precisely that.

And so I taught the pair how to play. While at first the games were quite one sided, the two rulers soon picked up and began to best me. Things got even better when Discord, having heard what we were up to, came and asked to join to enjoy the chaos of the game.

We’ve been playing for a couple of years now together off and on. In fact it’s become something of an institution in court, with nobles making up all kinds of rumours about what the game is and how it works.

I found both princesses already well into the game when I joined them. They’d kindly left a place open for me and set me starting at Chalk Farm; one of my favourite openings; a touch unexpected, but also potentially very advantageous, like opening with a knight in chess. I quickly joined the pair at their table, sitting down Indian style on one of the cushions provided. A maid soon brought over some tea, complete with a good sized lemon wedge.

“Afternoon, Tia, Luna,” I said as I sat down, briefly thanking the maid. “How goes the game?”

“Most fortuitously, Roger,” Luna replied with a hint of smugness. “And here I always thought that dear sister was the puppet master when it came to the long game.” Celestia snorted and rolled her eyes.

“Now, now, Luna,” she replied with a smile. “The game’s not over yet, and a new player has joined the table. Your headlong charge may be stopped yet.”

While it seemed just just your usual friendly sibling rivalry, I couldn’t help but note a slight undertone to their playful jabs. The two of them have slowly been getting on each others nerves over the past few weeks. I’ve done my best to keep the peace, but I can’t help but wonder when things are going to come to a head.

“Anything could happen,” I replied, reaching for my own piece. “For example, I could say, move to Bank and leave you both in the Nidd for the next few turns.” Both sisters groaned as I moved my piece to the station, greatly stymieing any hope of a quick win. I did my best to change the subject.

“So, I was talking with Spearhead earlier, picking up those tickets for his art exhibition. He told me Cadence and Shining were coming to view it, and bringing little Flurry with them too.” Celestia brightened up at that.

“Well, that’s wonderful,” she replied. “I’m sure that they’ll enjoy the opportunity to relax after everything that’s happened. Between Flurry Heart and enemy invasions, the past few weeks have been more than a little frazzling.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” I agreed. “I don’t suppose I could tempt either of you into joining us?” Both princesses sadly shook their heads.

“Sorry, Roger,” Luna said. “But recent events have compelled the two of us to remain in the capital. Of course, that doesn’t prevent me from admiring Spearhead’s pieces.”

She gestured to a rather striking, and very abstract, sculpture in one corner of the room. While I’m no expert, I recognised Spearhead’s handiwork when I saw it.

“You bought that from him?” I asked. Celestia shook her head.

“A gift,” she explained. “I almost went as far as ordering him to take some sort of payment, but he refused to touch a bit of mine or Luna’s. He said that our enjoyment was payment enough.”

“An admirable attitude,” Luna agreed with a nod. “He’s a fine soldier and a credit to the guard. I’m honestly surprised you haven’t promoted him further, sister. I certainly wouldn’t mind seeing him replace that oaf Mareclellan.”

“Now, Luna,” I said amicably as she moved her own piece to Tower Bridge “Celestia doesn’t tell you how to run the night guard.”

“True enough,” she conceded. “Conversely, I don’t replace a gifted commander like Night Song with an officer who is more bureaucrat than soldier. Shining Armor should never have given up his position like that.”

“Luna, it was unfair to ask him to keep making such sacrifices at the expense of his foal. And may I remind you the Crystal Guard also failed to stop the changeling threat.”

Seeing that things were about to boil over, I stepped in.

“Ladies, please,” I said placatingly. “Let’s just enjoy the game.” Two pair eyed each other a moment longer before relenting.

The next few rounds passed in a somewhat awkward silence. Luna was pouting, and I think Celestia was a little embarrassed for me to see her arguing with her sister. Still, they’d work it out in the end; they always have. As I moved my own piece to Battersea, I tried to get the conversation going again.

“You know, speaking of Shining,” I said. “Have you been able to do anything with that designated survivor concept?” Celestia nodded.

“Actually,” she said. “Now that you mention it, I was able to get the infrastructure in place for such a proposal. Were you still thinking of Shining Armor for the role?”

“Yes,” I replied. “He’s proven himself a capable leader in the past. The problem when we run into these crises is the lack of control. Take what just happened; Equestria was paralysed because no one could officially take the reins, COBRA was next to useless. The same thing happened during Flurry Heart’s Crystalling. If Shining had been somewhere safe and out of the way, he’d have been able to coordinate a proper counter attack. As long as the government keeps going, Equestria keeps going.”

“So how does it work then?” Luna asked.

“Well,” I explained. “The biggest risk is when you’re all together, say for a summit or something. Having you all together leaves you vulnerable. By having somepony out of the way, they’re able to avoid any attack and then emerge to coordinate a response.”

“That would hardly have helped during the changeling attack,” Luna countered. “The changelings simultaneously attacked three different points.”

“No,” I admitted. “But no plan can cover every eventuality. This would have certainly helped against Tirek, instead of having all three of you just sitting idle in the castle, or during the wedding when all three of you were in the same place. In either of those events, if somepony was out and away from Canterlot, and able to take command, they could have been a real help in at least keeping the government functioning and giving orders to the guard. Heck, your plan with Twilight with Tirek was pretty much the same thing.”

“It does sound like something that may at least help in such scenarios,” Celestia agreed. “When are you going to ask him?”

“I thought I might do so informally after the art show, see if he’s interested in the idea,” I said. “It’ll be quite the sacrifice. He won’t be able to attend events if you, Luna, Twilight, and Cadence are there, and he’ll have to be ready to take over running Equestria at a moment’s notice. But personally, I’d say he’s up to it.”

With everypony in agreement, more or less, the game returned to a more friendly atmosphere. Celestia managed to win in the end, much to Luna’s annoyance. I still can’t believe she beat me with a Mongolian Defence. I always thought I was too clever to fall for that. But with the princesses’ agreement I was able to offer Shining his potential new job. And as I said earlier, while the idea wouldn’t have helped with the changelings, it was going partly help to save our bacon a year or so down the line.

A couple of days later and it was time for the exhibition. I was in my bedroom back at the house, doing the top buttons up on my shirt and doing my tie up in a half Windsor. It’s always a bit of a challenge for us humans when it comes to attending events. At something like the Grand Galloping Gala, everypony turns out dressed to the nines, but for an event like this, while formal, didn’t call for any particular clothes for ponies. But as humans...well, I wasn’t about to attend an exhibition in my birthday suit, no matter how liberal the place was, and it didn’t feel right just showing up in some casual wear. So in the end, both Margaret and I settled on something semi formal; me in a toned down version of my court attire, and she in one of her smarter teacher outfits.

In a reversal of the usual gender norms, Margaret was already downstairs, ready to go and waiting on me. Usually, I was the one waiting for her to make herself look pretty, but I’d had a bit of a lie in this morning, and was just a little behind.

“Roger! Come on!” my wife called up the stairs. “Shining and Cadence’s train will be at the station in ten minutes, and I want to meet them so we can walk to the gallery together.”

“Alright! Alright! Hold your horses, woman!” I called back, ignoring the pun behind that phrase now. “I’ll be down in a minute.”

“You said that five minutes ago!” she shouted back.

Finally getting a knot I was satisfied with, I patted my pockets to make sure I had my wallet and keys with me, and then I dashed downstairs. Margaret was already at the front door, holding it open with an impatient look on her face.

“See, told you, didn’t I?” I said as I hot footed it down the staircase and followed her out the front door.

Heading out the front door, and locking it behind us (something I’ve started doing again in the aftermath of the changeling incursion) we both headed to the train station. Cadence and Shining were coming on the train, along with Flurry Heart. Twilight would no doubt be overjoyed to see her niece again, for once not at a time when Equestria or the Crystal Empire was in peril. And it would be a chance for the two royals to enjoy some time together in a more relaxed setting. Celestia knows having a daughter can be trying, even with a genuine magical genius like Sunburst helping out. Making our way through town, the two of us chatted about the exhibition.

“I just hope Twilight will be alright looking after Flurry for the afternoon,” she was saying. “She’s got a fair bit on her plate today as it is, what with that hospital visit and everything.”

“Oh?” I asked. “Who’s she visiting then?” I narrowly dodged a half serious smack to the back of my head.

“Don’t you remember?” Margaret asked with some annoyance. “I told you on Friday. Half the kids have come down with horsey hives. Twilight’s going to read to them in hospital to cheer them up. So she’ll have a fair bit to do today.”

“Can’t you or Cheerilee do it?” I suggested, trying and failing to be helpful.

“Cheerilee never got horsey hives as a foal. It’s like catching chicken pox as an adult. And I can’t go because we aren’t sure what effect it might have on humans. Twilight volunteered to do it instead.”

“Okay, okay,” I said in an apologetic tone. “Well, I'm sure she’ll make them all feel better.”

Before too long, we reached the train station. The train had just pulled in to the station, and Shining and Cadence were waiting outside.

“Shining! Cadence!” my wife called out as we walked over. She quickly went to hug Cadence, the pair of them doing that stupid kiss each other on each cheek thing, while Shining and I stood by awkwardly and hoof bumped. Flurry Heart was sitting on his back.

“How was the trip down?” she went on.

“Oh, just great,” Cadence replied with a smile. “It’s always nice to see Ponyville again.” My wife now turned to Shining and his charge.

“And this must be little Flurry Heart,” she said. Flurry burbled in the way babies do.

I don’t know what it is, but I’ve just never been that good with kids. I’m fine with my own, but other people’s children just freak me out. I think I’ve already made my views on the Cake twins quite clear. In contrast, Margaret seems to be a natural with the lot of them. Babies always like her and only cry when they get handed to me for a moment. I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy as the two bonded, with Flurry playfully poking Margaret on the nose.

“Oh, she’s just adorable, Cadence,” Margaret said. Shining let out a laugh.

“I’m just glad Sunburst was able to help get her magic surges under control,” he said. “It was bad enough having have all those repairs done to the palace the last time. Cadence was even thinking of setting up a budget purely to fix damage done by Flurry’s sneezes.” We all let out a laugh at that.

“So are you two looking forward to the exhibition?” I asked them. Shining and Cadence both nodded.

“Absolutely,” Shining replied. “It’ll be great to see Spearhead again.”

“And it will be nice to have a day to ourselves. I just hope Twilight won’t mind watching Flurry for a while,” Cadence said. Margaret was quick to reassure her.

“Oh she loves Flurry,” she said. “She spending a chunk of today with some of the foals from school anyway. I’m sure she’ll be able to look after one more foal.”

At this though, as if in ominous premonition, Flurry began to burble and then suddenly start crying. I had flashbacks to my own days of looking after kids. We went on the Severn Valley Railway when Bones was four and Lizzie was two. Lizzie cried the entire ride. We changed her, tried to feed her, took clothes off, put more clothes on her; nothing helped, and there was no way off the train. It was absolutely mortifying. We never figured out what on Earth she wanted.

Cadence and Shining quickly swung into action, with Cadence picking the little alicorn up in magic and gently rocking her, whilst Shining produced a small stuffed toy, a snail, from his saddlebags. This, when put in front of Flurry’s field of view, was enough to calm her, and the maelstrom stopped as soon as it had began, with Flurry contently cuddling the toy.

“And if all else fails,” Cadence said. “Twilight can always give her Whammy to play with. She absolutely loves that snail.”

As we were chatting ,the town clock began to strike the hour.

“Whoa,” Shining said, realising the time. “We better drop Flurry off with Twiley now so we have time to get to the exhibition at the cafe before it opens.”

“Alright, Shining,” I said with a nod. “Shall we meet you two at Ponyville Cafe then?” Shining nodded.

“We’ll see you both there,” he said. The pair then headed off to Twilight’s castle.

The four of us ended up having a grand time at the exhibition together. Spearhead had more than outdone himself, filling the whole place with his work. Shining and Cadence were both glad to see him again. In particular, Shining doesn’t get too much time to see many of his old friends in the Royal Guard. The two had gone through basic training together years ago, under a certain Captain Strong Shield.

The pair were also glad to get some time to spend together. Margaret and I toured the gallery with them, but after a while, our two groups split up, so that Shining and Cadence could have some quality time together. However, as they continued to tour the exhibition, the two new parents found themselves missing their daughter. Despite her magic surges, light night crying, and constant need for attention, the both of them felt a pang of longing to be with her again.

In the end, after being reminded of little Flurry Heart by one of Spearhead’s pieces (which the crazy guardsman absolutely loved, by the way), they decided to leave early and go and check on her. While, by the time they returned to Twilight’s castle, all was well, the little alicorn had given her aunt quite the runaround during the day.

As Margaret had said, Twilight was already supposed to go and spend some time with the foals from school. Several of them had come down with horsey hives, and she was going to bring them a few toys, some cupcakes, and read them a couple stories to make them feel better. Three simple tasks right? Well, as any parents will tell you, simple isn’t something children allow for, particularly babies.

First of all, when she tried to feed her lunch, Flurry pretty much covered the castle walls in mushy peas, compelling Twilight and Spike to clean up the mess and putting them behind schedule. After that, the little tyke caused some trouble at the toy store, careening into a display stand with the shopping cart, again forcing Twilight to clean up the mess. At the schoolhouse, while picking up some story books, Flurry doodled all over Cheerilee’s chalkboard, ruining her prepared lessons. Then she did the same thing at Sugarcube Corner when Twilight went to collect the cakes for the foals, as well as making apology cakes for Cheerilee and the staff at the toy store, Flurry tried to stop Pound and Pumpkin Cake fighting over a toy. Unfortunately, she tried to be wise King Solomon, and split the toy in two, angering both foals. Finally, things came to a head when, at the hospital, and not getting much attention from Twilight, Flurry misplaced Whammy. That sent her flying and teleporting all over the place looking for it. Eventually, Twilight, at the end of her tether, snapped at Flurry, making the poor girl cry.

Luckily, it all came right in the end. Flurry and Twilight reconciled. Having found Whammy, Twilight admitted that she shouldn’t have taken on so much responsibility at once, and she, Flurry and Spike returned to the castle to spend time together. By the time Shining and Cadence returned, you’d have never guessed the chaos that had been going on. Still, the two parents did promise to give more warning in the future if they needed Twilight to look after her.

It was after all of this that we all met up again at the castle. And while Twilight and Cadence were playing with Flurry. I decided to pitch my idea to Shining to see if he was interested. We ended up discussing it in the map room, while the girls were in the library.

“So, what, I’d be in charge of Equestria?” Shining asked in surprise.

“Only for as long as needed,” I explained. “You help fight off whatever threat there is, or at least keep things under control until Twilight and the others can, and then hand power back to the princesses. Look, if this whole changeling business has taught us anything, it’s that we can’t fight an enemy attack with a committee of arguing guards and ministers. Equestria is an absolutist diarchy. You can’t suddenly just transition to a republic in times of trouble. You’d be acting on Celestia’s behalf.”

“So, what I wouldn’t be able to be around Cadence.” I shook my head.

“No, I’d never ask you to chose between your wife and Equestria, Shining. Everything would stay pretty much as it is now, The only difference is that if all the princesses got together, you’d need to stay somewhere else. Say they’re all in Canterlot, you’d remain in the empire. The idea is that if an enemy tries to deal a decapitation strike on one location, you’ll still be around to fight back.”

“You mean if they’re dead?” Shining asked. I nodded.

“Or incapacitated,” I replied. “To quote a good film; ‘One day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me’. Who knows, with that way Twilight and the others have been knocking down villains, you may never need to do this job. It’s just a precaution for future events.”

Seeing that he was in two minds about taking on such a responsibility, I tried to be a little more personal, speaking as his friend, rather than a government minister.

“I know this is a big ask, old friend,” I said, laying a hand in his shoulder. “But I can’t think of anypony I’d trust more to lead the fight back if all seems lost. I’d follow you to Tartarus if you asked. And Celestia and Luna agree with me.”

That seemed to sway him, and he eventually agreed to take the job. It would be classified, of course. The only ponies who would know about it would be me, Celestia, Luna, Cadence, and a few select members of the government and Royal Guard. I honestly hoped that he’d never need to take on that role, macabre as it was. But as I said to him, I trusted him. After all, say what you will about his sister, but Shining has played his part in saving Equestria more than once. More to the point, he’s as brave as a bulldog, not even flinching when going up against the likes of Sombra or Tirek.

And so, our little secret agreement was set up, and after my return to Canterlot a couple of days later, the proper legislation was drafted. Shining was given a briefing on the role, and what to do if the worst should ever happen.

Back home, I kept a shotgun at the back of my wardrobe. I’d had it all through my time in the volunteers. I’d kept it in good condition, but I’d never had to use it. But no matter what, I’d never gotten rid of it. One day it might prove very useful. That was how I saw Shining Armor. I hoped and prayed that he’d never need to act as the last stallion standing, but I was glad to know that he was there.

And I’d be even more glad in the not too distant future.

Chapter 12 - A Mile in Their Horseshoes

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I wouldn’t say I was feeling angry. Angry didn’t even begin to cover it. I was way past anger, past rage, and settled into a sort of quiet, tranquil fury. I felt my face heating up, no doubt turning red as I tried my best to contain my emotions. I certainly must have looked an odd, if not unsettling sight to poor Buttercup, who had come to bring me the news of what had happened. The poor stallion was staying stock still and not daring to say or do anything as I tried to process his words. Finally, after a few moments, clarity returned, and I found myself able to speak in a perfectly calm voice.

“Yes,” I said quietly. “That is a real pickle.”

This did little to ease Buttercup’s fright, never mind when I actually looked down at him. I honestly, think that he expected me to simply tear his head clean off. I decided that the best thing I could do was get the whole matter out of my system before I said, or did, anything I might regret.

“Would you excuse me for a moment, Buttercup?”

Carefully getting up from my desk, I strode across the marble floor of my office to the other door in the room, which led to my private wash room. The only thing it abutted was a janitor's closet used by the castle staff, and it ought to be empty at the moment.

You see, one thing about ponies, they very rarely use harsh language, not that they have much in the way of harsh language to begin with. So, when I do feel my anger approaching those levels seen in Chef Ramshay, I take a moment to vent somewhere I won’t be overheard.

And so, walking into the bathroom and closing the door behind, I let fly with an outburst that would have made the entirety of 2 Para all start in astonishment. Where was it directed to you ask? Why, at Equestria’s newest hero; Starlight Glimmer. A pony who has been a thorn in my side for the past year and a half. I directed at her all of the most vile and insulting names I could remember, no doubt waving my arms around like a madman as I did so.

After that catharsis, which took a good twenty seconds, by which time my throat was just a tad hoarse (no pun intended), I took a moment to collect my thoughts. First things first, what to do. Well, in my still rage induced state I came to one simple solution that would solve most, if not all of the problems currently plaguing Canterlot Castle and my two employers. Taking a moment to collect myself, readjusting my tie and smoothing out my shirt and jacket, I opened the door and stepped back into my office.

Buttercup had clearly heard me, for he now resembled a statue, and his pupils had dilated so much they could be reduced to pinpricks. Royal Guards are no cowards, and Buttercup is no exception, but I think we can forgive him for being terrified of the six foot tall screaming lunatic that stood before him, who was clearly still going out of his mind with fury.

I took my seat again, taking a breath as I did so to calm myself, something Princess Cadence taught me. Clasping my hands together on my lap, I reclined in my chair slightly and addressed Buttercup again.

“Okay,” I said, my voice once again perfectly calm and tranquil. “I have thought this through. I will go and speak with Starlight Glimmer. And then I will murder her.”

Okay, I guess I ought to explain why I’m planning on killing the pony who not so long ago saved us all from being food for changelings. Well, wouldn’t you know it, but apparently, that doesn’t count for much when you mess with the two most powerful alicorns in Equestria and, on a whim, swap their cutie marks around.

Now, for those of you that don’t know, that means swapping their destinies and their very magic around. I’d not thought that even possible until Buttercup had told me. Then again, this was Starlight we were talking about; the pony who removed cutie marks from ponies as part of some creepy Equality cult. Long story short, there was no way it was legal, and I'm pretty sure it counted as assault on a royal.

And it also marked strike three for Starlight. We’d forgiven her when she went on a merry chase across time and space, destroying Equestria across multiple realities in the process, and we’d forgiven her when she had ‘accidentally’ hypnotised Twilight’s friends while the alicorn was away, resulting in one small fire and major localised flooding. This time though, she had to be out of chances. On both prior occasions, I’d warned her that if she stepped out of line one more time, there would be consequences.

And, by Jove, there would be consequences this time.

Dismissing Buttercup, an act which caused the stallion to let out a frightened whiny and gallop out of my office, I collected my things and headed off for Celestia’s chambers. Right now, assuming what he had told me was correct, Luna would be in the throne room, overseeing the duties usually undertaken by her elder sister.

Well, she always wanted a chance to be in the spotlight. Apparently, Starlight had installed a lockout on the spell, which meant it couldn’t be undone for twenty four hours. So that meant for twenty four hours, the Equestrian diarchy was thrown into complete and utter chaos. Luna now took responsibility for moving the sun and overseeing Equestria in the daytime, while Celestia was responsible for raising the moon and guarding the dreams of sleeping ponies, as well as overseeing Luna’s Night Court. It wasn’t an ideal situation. Still, there was one upside; Starlight wasn’t acting maliciously.

In fact, the unstable little pink blighter had been summoned up to Canterlot by the map, her own cutie mark having appeared on it, along with Twilight’s and the other girls, around the same time. The little glimmering star that was her cutie mark was currently hovering around the model version of Canterlot Castle. And from experience, this meant there was a friendship problem that the map, and by extension its creator, the Tree of Harmony, had decided that Starlight was the best pony to resolve it.

You know what they say, ‘Ours in not to reason why’ and all that. Regardless, we were stuck with the current state of affairs, and fortunately, by the time I made it to throne room, my anger had cooled enough that I was now only considering inflicting grievous bodily harm on Starlight. For the time being though, I had bigger fish to fry.

Heading down the next hallway, I soon found myself at Celestia’s door. Normally, I wouldn’t even dream of disturbing the princess like this, but needs must. So, passing the two guards that were on duty, I knocked on the door. A moment later, Celestia answered.

All things considered, she didn’t look too bad. I noticed that, just as Buttercup had said, she now had her sister’s cutie mark; a black splash of ink and a white crescent moon, instead of the usual sun emblem. Besides that though, and looking ever so slightly perturbed at the situation, she seemed none the worse for wear. I guess that, whatever Starlight had done, it had only swapped the marks and their corresponding powers, not their destinies or souls. Bones had told me about what happened when Twilight became an alicorn; how a botched spell switched all her friend’s cutie marks and destinies around, making them all miserable.

The alicorn smiled at me, no doubt glad to see a friend at such a trying time.

“Hey, Tia,” I said kindly. “How are you feeling?” Celestia smiled wearily.

“Like somepony just swapped my cutie mark with my sister’s, right at the moment when our little argument came to a head.”

Ah, that explained it. You may remember I noted a few times in this little collection of tales, that Celestia and Luna had been getting increasingly on each others nerves of late. I’d figured they'd eventually have a bit of a spat and get it out of their system like sisters. But instead, the disharmony was enough to draw the attention of the Tree.

“Ooh,” I said with a grimace. “How bad?”

“Luna and me both ended up shouting at each other,” she replied, shaking her head in disappointment. “We haven’t argued like that in so long. Sure, we’ve had our disagreements, but never a fight like this. Not since...well...” I let her last thought drift. She might not show it, but I know Tia still blames herself for losing Luna all those years ago. I tried to move the conversation in a better direction.

“How’s Luna coping?” I asked. That tripped Celestia’s big sister instinct.

“I’ve given her the best advice I can on short notice,” Celestia said. “And Starlight is going to do her best to help her get through the day.” She then smiled at me in that maternal way of hers. “I’m sure she would appreciate your help.”

“Hey,” I replied, smiling back. “I’m the legal advisor to the Day Court. Makes no odds to me who sits in the chair. Don’t worry, Tia. I’ll do my best to keep things on an even keel. And then tomorrow I can have a talk with Starlight.”

Leaving Celestia to prepare for raising the moon and her first ever night of patrolling the dreamscape, I headed toward the throne room. All appeared, for the most part, relatively normal. The guards were all at their post and the castle seemed to be running as smoothly as ever. It wasn’t until that I got close to the great double doors of the throne room itself that I heard that something was amiss.

“Enough!” Luna’s voice boomed, going up to the Royal Canterlot Voice. “I can’t stand to listen to another moment of your inane prattle! If you wish to make a decision, by all means do so. But do not waste my time by arguing points that have already been discussed and settled three months ago. Begone!”

At that, the doors opened, and five or six members from Canterlot’s city council, along with Prince Blueblood, filed out. All looked suitably rattled, and were muttering to one another about how Luna was crazy and that it was stupid to have her stand in her sister’s stead. I’m just glad neither Bones or any of Luna’s guards were knocking about to hear them.

Luna is many things, but a diplomat is not one of them. Where Celestia looks to negotiate a compromise, Luna points a glowing horn at your head and says ‘Reach for it, Pilgrim’. When Tia wants to guide ponies to solve their own problems, Luna would rather show them herself. And when Equestria is threatened, Luna very much prefers dealing with the threat personally, and in a far more permanent way, instead of entrusting the whole business to Twilight. So you can imagine that she is not the most gifted of politicians. Don’t get me wrong, she is a marvellous ruler, and I have never met a strategist as experienced as her. But in her millennial absence, society has changed. She is still using the stick when the carrot is required. As such, her particular style of negotiation was somewhat outmoded.

In other words, compromise is not a word that appears in Luna’s vocabulary. She’s very much a 'my way or the highway type of mare. And there are plenty of times when that approach works. But discussing a trade deal between Canterlot and Baltimare that had been dragging on for eighteen months, not so much,

Still, seeing as how the court was somewhat adjourned for the moment, I took the opportunity to make my presence known. Walking into the throne room, I offered a brief bow to the night princesses (Or should that be sun princess now?) and strolled up to the foot of the dais. Sitting next to her, in my chair no less, was Starlight Glimmer, who now looked equal parts embarrassed at what had just happened, and frightened at what was to come.

Walking over, I scowled at the unicorn darkly. Starlight gulped. Whereas before she’d had Celestia or Twilight to bail her out, now her fate rested in Luna’s hooves. A threat I loved to use when making deal on criminal cases was to advise a defendant and their lawyer that Luna was not as forgiving as I was. And truth be told, I’m known for taking a tough stance on crime. So to say Starlight was potentially in deep trouble was an understatement. After all, this was strike four by my count. First there was her cult, then messing with the timelines, then there was her hypnotising Twilight’s friends. And that’s ignoring how she managed to ‘lose’ the map table from the castle and how her literally bottled up anger magic affected three ponies, imprinting her emotions onto them.

This time I wouldn’t even be asking for much though. I’d long since hung up my spurs when it came to trying to get Starlight thrown in jail at taxpayers' expense. All I wanted was some form of consequence to help aid her ongoing reformation, and with Luna, I figured I might have a shot.

“You,” I said, pointing at Starlight and causing her to start. “I’ll deal with you later. For now, get lost.” Starlight quickly took her leave, telling Luna that she’d come back when it was time for her to attend the fundraiser Celestia was supposed to attend. Hell’s teeth, that wasn’t today was it?

With Starlight gone, I turned my attention back to Luna.

“Well, your highness,” I said with a smile. “I’m at your service. Celestia thought I could lend a hand to help get you through Day Court.” Luna rolled her eyes in annoyance.

“Of course my dear sister doesn’t trust me to handle a little court intrigue,” she said, bitterness clear in her voice. “I wouldn’t mind, but I’ve been back for several years, Roger. I’m not some little infant that requires foalsitting.” I tried to placate her.

“I’m here to do no such thing,” I reassured her. “I’m merely on hand, as always, to give you advice when you ask for it, nothing more. This is your show, Luna.” The alicorn thought for a moment.

“Well, as long as you don’t end up trying to micromanage me like that ex-cult leader did. She still hasn’t overcome her control issues I think.” I let out a laugh at that.

“There’s something we both agree on,” I replied. “All I’ll do is offer advice when I think I can help. What you do with it is entirely up to you.”

Okay, so, truth here, I was playing a bit of a mind game. I was pretty much babysitting Luna to get her through court. While she’s got the experience, I didn’t want Celestia to have to come back tomorrow to deal with twenty or so crises brought on by her more robust approach to politics. So I would be micro managing her a bit. But I was going to do my best to ensure it didn’t look like that. Having me speaking for Luna would make her look weak, and we couldn’t have that. I’d be more of an advisor in the truest sense of the word, with the caveat that she really ought to follow my suggestions.

And so, with that, court resumed. The next case on the docket was a bit of a thorny issue. You see, Equestrian cities all have various trading deal with one another, given the somewhat federalist style of governance, which each region having some level of autonomy, this isn’t too surprising. But about thirty years ago now, the Griffon Kingdom, Prance, Bitaly, as well as several major cities including Maredrid and Trottingham, had come together to form a major trading bloc that took up most of northern Equestria. However, with the inclusion of the Crystal Empire, Trottingham had opted to withdraw from the group and go its own way. It was partly understandable, since the bloc froze all trading prices and all members needed to agree to get anything done.

What followed was a very messy dividing of the wedding china. Trottingham’s people wanted to be out of the bloc sooner rather than later, it’s government however did not. In fact they didn’t want to leave at all. And the other members wanted to keep Trottingham in the group for its wealth, but also feared that its departure might mean the eventual breakup of the whole group. So neither side was giving ground in negotiations, and had come to Canterlot for arbitration by the princesses.

Now, Celestia and I had been working on this thing for months. It had pushed my legal knowledge and expertise to its limits, and had done the same for Celestia’s patience, which should tell you something. And you can understand why I would be a little apprehensive of her dealing with such a delicate matter.

Still, by rights and by law, she was in charge, and her word was final. I braced myself for the difficult task ahead.

The various representatives entered; three groups, two from Trottingham and one from the trading bloc. They all bowed, looking slightly surprised to see Luna on the throne. One of the guards explained the situation when one of them asked the obvious question. As everypony settled, I explained the situation as it was to Luna.

Finally, when all was ready, she addressed the three parties.

“This matter has taken up the time of my sister’s court for over a year now. I assume that you have made some measure of progress?” One of the representatives from Trottingham, who was in favour of withdrawal, stood up.

“Regrettably not, your highness,” he said. “As various factions of the town council refuse to permit any kind of legislation through, we cannot complete the withdrawal proceedings.”

“That’s because your plan is a farce!” Another Trottingham pony snapped. “We shouldn’t even be leaving in the first place!”

“The people have decided!”

“The people are idiots!”

“You’re ignoring the very principles of democracy!”

“Our members will not agree to any deal that does not prohibit tariffs on goods we already supply to Trottingham!”

“Alright! Enough!” I snapped, bringing back some semblance of order. “I can see that your positions on this issue haven’t changed in the last month.”

This was going to be a long day.

And so, I spent the next while stuck in the exact same negotiations from a month ago, the same negotiations from six months ago, and the exact same sodding negotiations from a year ago when this whole thing started. Nopony could agree on anything. There was literally nothing that could be done to resolve the situation.

Unfortunately, this was a situation where Celestia would have been better suited. Luna did her utmost, but didn’t exactly help the situation either. By the end of the session when we all adjourned for another month or so, both sides were quite possibly even more entrenched. Seriously, it was easier negotiating the bloody Belfast Agreement that stopped (for a given value of ‘stopped’) the violence in Northern Ireland, and that was dealing with issues in some cases over a century old; ancient prejudices going all the way back to the Siege of Londonderry and the Battle of the Boyne.

Between the two of us, I had hoped we could get Equestria’s versions of Major, Paisley and Adams all in a room together and solve the problem. Instead, all three groups stormed out of the meeting with no agreement. And as the two Trottingham groups couldn’t agree, they couldn’t even just withdraw from the agreement unilaterally. It was just more of this stupid limbo that we were all getting sick of.

Still, we’d done our best given the circumstances. And for the record, I’d like to say that Luna acquitted herself well. But she had plenty of more petitioners to hear and still had that fundraiser to go to as well.

So, leaving her to carry on with that, I went back to my earlier task; dealing with Starlight.

I’d worked out most of my anger in the negotiations. I wasn’t about to lock her in a dungeon or something like that. While Celestia and Luna had been furious when they realised what she’d done, they’d calmed down not long after. After all, there was some twisted logic to her actions. The two sisters were fighting because they couldn’t see things from the others perspective. You know the old saying; ‘Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes’. Luna had certainly learned about how much utter crap Celestia puts up with on a daily basis and yet still smiles and waves, making time for her subjects and even cooking breakfast for the two of them.

On the other hoof, Luna was still mad that Celestia and a lot of other ponies hardly even noticed all the beautiful lilacs she decorated the castle with each night.

But that’s by the by. For now, Starlight. I sent Buttercup off to go and find her wherever she might be and have her sent to my office. All I could really do was shout at her and tell her off. But at this point, that’s all I wanted to do. Like I said, the desire to violently murder her had luckily faded by this point. The only saving grace was that Twilight was apparently just as mortified, to the point of her having one of her panic attacks when Starlight told her what she’d done. So at least I wasn’t alone in my disappointment.

Heading back to my office, I busied myself with my work for around a half hour or so. For the sake of continuity, I was documenting everything that I witnessed in court. I could then give Celestia an accurate recap of whatever might happen today, so as to ward off any breakdowns in communication.

A little while later, there was a knock at my door and Starlight walked in. She looked suitably embarrassed, but not quite as scared. I figured that at this stage, a threatening posture was rather pointless. In fact in the time I’d had, I’d come up with a more analytical way of dealing with her. Gesturing for her to take a seat, I got started.

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this, Starlight,” I said honestly, with a sigh in my voice. “This is what, the second time you’ve found yourself in my office in deep trouble? And it’s the fourth time your name has turned up in a file on my desk.” The unicorn nodded silently, so I continued.

“Just...tell me what possessed you to do something like that?” I asked, in a gentler tone; the sort of thing I used with my kids when they did something wrong. Starlight now looked up in surprise. Evidently she’d been expecting another lecture mixed with threats of incarceration.

“I just wanted them to understand what each of them was going through,” she explained. “If they could see how much the other cares for them, and how much effort they put into their work, maybe they wouldn’t fight so much.” I nodded in understanding.

“You can understand my concern when I hear talk of you, of all ponies, messing with cutie marks though.” Starlight nodded again.

“I only swapped their magic around, not their destinies,” she assured me. “But yeah, almost as soon as I did it, I realised that I’d used part of the removal spell.” I leaned back in my chair a little, forming my fingers together in a steeple.

“It’s certainly impressive,” I admitted. “I’m sure Bones would love to hear how it all worked. However, using it on ponies without their consent is entirely unacceptable.” At that my tone turned a little more scolding.

“Still,” I went on. “For the moment at least, there doesn’t seem to be any harm done. You’ve said you can reverse the effect tomorrow. So I see little point in berating you further. You can go now if you like. I’m sure you still have a lot to do with Luna.” Starlight looked surprised at that. This was a pretty big change in my disposition after all.

Still, happy to have a chance at flight, she quickly made for the door. To her credit at least, she was doing her best to fix what she’d done, and she did see why it was wrong. So I guess we can call that an improvement. However, I left her with one final warning.

“Starlight,” I called out as her magic gripped the door handle. She turned back to me. “This is as far as I will go. You do anything like this again, and neither Twilight nor Celestia will be bailing you out. Is that clear?” She nodded. It was an empty threat on my part, but she didn’t know that, did she?

So, Starlight departed to go and help Luna further. I later heard that partly due to that, the fundraiser didn’t exactly go swimmingly. Luna had been smiling for far longer than normal all day, and a badly timed photo scuppered the whole thing.

But we’ll come to that in a little bit. Right now I had some time to catch up on work. I was just starting on an interesting little case revolving around Equestria’s national banner, when I heard the signature pop of a teleport. The only pony with few enough manners to do that would be my best friend.

“Hey, Discord,” I said, hardly looking up from my work. The draconequus huffed at the small amount of chaos his arrival had caused.

“I swear I must be getting out of touch when it comes to chaos,” he said, sounding annoyed. “Once upon a time me appearing in your office like that would have you hitting the ceiling in annoyance.” I decided to have a bit of fun with the Lord of Chaos.

“Well, why would I do that, old man? I enjoy your company.”

But Discord hasn’t been around for over a thousand years without spotting when someone’s messing with him. Snapping his talons, he turned my pen into a rather nasty looking cobra. A cobra which I quickly hurled across the room in fright.

“There we go, that’s better,” Discord commented in glee. After recovering from my fright, I grinned as I turned back to him. I guess I had pushed my luck a bit. Still…

”Seriously, Discord,” I said. “I sometimes wonder if you fully understand this whole friendship business.”

“Oh, my dear boy, of course I do!” he replied with a wave of lion paw. “I’ve been studying Princess Twilight’s many essays on the subject.” Snapping his talons, he summoned forth a large tome with Twilight on the cover.

“See, right here,” he said, pointing to a particular page. “Banter and pranks between friends.” I rolled my eyes. Leaning back in my chair, I regarded my mismatched friend for a moment.

“Alright, I’ll bite,” I said. “What do you want?” Discord again took on an offended air.

“My dear boy, I don’t want anything,” he replied. “Can’t a guy just stop by to see a friend for the sake of it?”

I grinned.

“Discord. Nothing you do is without reason. You clearly want something, so out with it.” Discord chuckled at my ‘unmasking’ of his plan. Now to work out the other three hundred and seventy nine.

“Oh, very well,” he said, admitting defeat. “I was just curious why you changed your tune about everypony favourite little psycho.” I shrugged my shoulders.

“Well,” I replied. “Tia’s made it clear that I can’t lock her up after the whole saving the world thing, and at this point, punishment wouldn’t do much really. At best it would just send mixed signals. If nothing else, this time is does seem to genuinely be an accident, so I consider it an improvement. Doing anything at this stage is pretty pointless. Besides, technically, she’s broken no laws. Equestria’s just like Britain; that which is not explicitly forbidden is allowed. There’s no law that says you can’t go gallivanting across time and space, or swap somepony’s cutie mark with another’s.”

“So why the hay did I get turned to stone then?” the draconequus exclaimed. “Show me the law that says you can’t invert gravity for fun.”

“In all honesty, I’d say self defence and acting in defence of another on Tia and Luna’s part for turning you to stone. And you did try to usurp the throne. That’s illegal. Very illegal, I might add.” Discord huffed, folded his arms and pouted.

“Surely, swapping cutie marks around is assault though,” he persisted.

“Well, let’s take a look at the Offences Against the Person Act of 1861,” I said getting up from my desk and fetching down a large heavy volume. “Let’s see, murder, conspiring to commit, manslaughter, threats to kill, danger to life or bodily harm, ah, here we are, assault and battery. Well, the law says that any person who inflicts unlawful force on another is guilty of an offence. So, did Starlight inflict unlawful force?”

“Yes,” Discord said with a nod. “She used her magic against the princesses.”

“Ah, but according to Equestrian law,” I said, reaching down another tome. “Use of magic is governed under the Restriction Against Dangerous Magics Act of 22CR. That contains a list of spells, potions, and so on that a unicorn isn’t allowed to use. And there’s nothing in there about cutie mark spells. So, like I said before, that which isn’t forbidden is allowed. Starlight has committed neither assault, nor has she used illegal forms of magic.”

“I’m beginning to see what that Shakespeare fellow you were telling me about was driving at when he said ‘let’s kill all the lawyers’,” Discord said with a sneer.

“Careful, old man,” I chided. “That’s making threats to kill. You’re lucky there aren’t witnesses.”

As it turned out, Luna didn’t do too much damage during her brief stint as Princess of the Sun. There a bit of political backlash, but nothing Celestia couldn’t smooth over. The only real sticking point was that fundraiser. Other than that though, she done pretty well taking a stroll in her elder sister’s horseshoes.

Now though, it was getting on for evening, and time for me to head back home. Celestia would now raise the moon, the first time she’s done that since Luna returned, and then spend most of the night guarding the dreams of us slumbering mortals.

Before I left to catch a cab down to the train station, I decided to stop by the throne room again, where Celestia was now taking the reins, if you’ll excuse the pun, from Luna for the night. I found her out on the balcony that overlooked the city. The last few evening rays were streaming over the horizon, and she would be raising the moon at any moment. Rapping on the opened door with my knuckle, I caught her attention. She smiled, glad for my company.

“Hey, Tia,” I said with a smile. “Thought I’d just check in before I head out.” The alicorn smiled.

“Thank you, Roger,” she said simply. “I hear that Luna actually didn’t do too badly today in my place.”

“All thing considered, I’d say she did quite well,” I agreed, before adding. “Especially with that whole Trottingham thing.” Celestia snorted.

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” she said.

“So think you’ll be able to handle running things tonight,” Celestia barked out a laugh.

“Oh, of course I will,” she replied, for once showing a touch of overconfidence. “I raised and lowered the moon for a thousand years.”

“Yeah, but how about dealing with all those nightmares.” Celestia waved a hoof.

“Oh, it’s easy,” she replied. “Dreams can’t hurt anypony. I just use my magic and voila, no more nightmares for my little ponies.”

So, wishing her the best of luck, I departed and left her to raise the moon. As I left, I heard the sound of her talking to herself. Between you and me, she does that sometimes. Maybe she’s going senile? Heh, not likely any time soon.

Making my way down to the courtyard, I saw the moon rise up into the sky. It seemed to carry the same cocky attitude Celestia had showed. Unbeknownst to me, Celestia was about to get quite the lesson in how difficult it can be to deal with nightmares. Luna had already gained a lot of respect for Celestia, realising her work amounted to much more than just smiling and waving. Now it was Tia’s turn to discover that banishing nightmares wasn’t just a case of flicking your horn.

It was actually Celestia who told me about it the following morning. I came into court and was relieved to see Celestia back in her usual seat, with her own cutie mark back. Starlight had been as good as her word and undone the spell as quickly as she could. But she had also apparently fulfilled her mission for the map, judging by the way her cutie mark had glowed. Celestia had quite the interesting story to tell as a result.

Having raised the moon, she had begun her patrol of the dreamscape. She soon came across Starlight, who was in the throes of a nightmare. While the end result was a positive, there was a lot of doubt at the time that what Starlight had done would be of any help. This manifested in the unicorn’s dreams. She found herself dreaming about how her misguided attempt to help Celestia and Luna actually drove them further apart. This resulted in Nightmare Moon once again overtaking Luna. But it also gave rise to another deadly apparition; Daybreaker.

This was Celestia’s dark alter ego, just as twisted and psychotic as Nightmare Moon. The two corrupted alicorns fought each other as Celestia protected Starlight. Realising that she was out of her depth, she turned to Luna, who herself was undergoing a nightmare, that horrid one where all your teeth fall out, brought on by her accidentally disappointing the foals. Celestia pulled her out of it and asked her to intervene. But with their cutie marks switched, Luna had no dream magic to call on.

That was when both sisters admitted to each other that their jobs were much tougher than the other thought. With Luna’s encouragement, Celestia was able to defeat both alicorns. Celestia, if you ask me, is a lot more powerful than she lets on. She just rarely uses her power; it’s a fact she’s admitted to me that she didn’t give her whole heart into attacking Chrysalis, which saw her knocked down. Daybreaker said as much, apparently being Celestia if, one day, she stopped caring about her little ponies and just began to seek power. With an almost terrifying ease, Celestia banished both nightmares, saving Starlight.

The experience left both sisters with a lot more respect for one another and finally brought an end to their long simmering arguments. Celestia now understood just how much work Luna put into her nightly duties, and was proud to see that, despite that, she still took the time to decorate the castle for her sister and subjects. And Luna now saw just how tricky the political game could be, and was more than glad to be rid of the endless debates and social manoeuvring that was just another day for Celestia.

As for me, I was just glad everything had worked out. I was more than happy to see that the two sisters had stopped bickering, more or less (they are sisters after all), and that any potential rift forming between them had been sealed.

And as for Starlight. Well, it’s an improvement I suppose. She saw what she did was wrong, and her heart was at least in the right place. It marked the last serious event involving her that came across my desk. Over the next few weeks and months, her reformation finally seemed to come to a form of completion. She certainly seemed to have a better grasp on friendship now.

I wonder, did the map send Starlight up to Canterlot to help Tia and Luna, or was it to help Starlight herself? Was it both? I tell you, I’d love to ask it someday, and possibly get a response.

Well, you know what they say; be careful what you wish for.

Chapter 13 - Unexpected Results

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Canterlot, being Equestria’s capital city, is unsurprisingly quite busy. With a high, mostly unicorn, population, and with a thriving tourist industry, as well as the many ponies who come to see Celestia or Luna for advice, the place is usually pretty packed most of the time. But I’m used to cities like that. I can handle making my way through busy crowds. It’s certainly a lot easier when they’re only about half as tall as you for the most part.

But I always look forward to coming home in the evening back to Ponyville. In contrast to Equestria’s gleaming first city, Ponyville has a population of barely a thousand or so. At a late hour, you can find yourself wandering the town almost completely by yourself. And even when it is at its busy hour, it’s not jam packed like a city. At best there’s a modest crowd at the market from time to time. The quaint little town gives an introvert like me a chance to recharge my batteries and relax from dealing with the crowds in Canterlot all day long. I can just step down off the train, say hello to a few friends, and then stroll back home to see the missus.

However, when I stepped down from the train one afternoon, a couple of weeks before Strong Shield’s ‘death’, that wasn’t what I got.

First of all, the platform, and the train itself had been packed. I’d assumed there was hoofball game or something on in one of the cities further up the line, like Manehattan or Baltimare. To my surprise though, instead of it being just me getting off in the town described by more than one noble arsehole as a ‘backwater’, it seemed like everypony on the train was alighting here. I found myself swarmed by ponies as they all pushed their way along the platform like so many Chinese tourists. Needless to say, I was a little surprised.

I was even more surprised when I saw my wife standing on the platform waiting for me. Normally, the first I see of her is when I walk through the front door. It’s barely a ten minute walk to the house. Why had she come out here? Hopefully it was with some sort of explanation. Although I had a fair idea of who might be responsible. Walking over to her, she embraced me in a hug before I asked the obvious question.

“Alright,” I said. “How many and which of Twilight’s friends are responsible for this mess?”

“It’s that new book they published a couple weeks back,” Margaret explained over the din of a hundred chattering ponies. “The thing’s shot to the top of the bestseller list, and now the town’s inundated with fans. Bones is going absolutely ape. All the hotels are full, they’re camping in the park, and harassing Twilight and her friends.”

“What are they having a go at her about?” I asked as we started to make our way off the platform.

“Not just her,” Margaret replied. “All these ponies seem to be split into factions. One group for each of Twilight’s friends, and they all keep arguing over which one’s best. And like I said, they keep harassing them all like the rabid fans they are.” Sounds fun.

“So, in other words, the lavender menace has caused a riot with a book? Impressive.”

“Starlight doesn’t have anything to do with this,” my wife replied.

“I meant the other lavender menace; Twilight.”

“Oh, come on, how could anypony predict this?” Margaret asked. “They published it to help ponies help themselves. You know, that whole saying about teaching a bloke to fish. But instead a bunch of ponies have just fixated on the stories without learning any of the lessons.”

Now I could see why Bones was cheesed off. These ponies were stealing his shtick. To be fair to him, he does do his best to follow the lessons Twilight and her friends have learned over the years. He even has a few copies of some of Twilight’s friendship reports. However, he did tell me that plenty of the weird fans he was friends with could sometimes get a little...odd. As in, talking about which of Twilight’s friends they’d marry, odd.

While not quite as extreme, these rabid pony fans were doing all they could to apparently insert themselves into the girls’ lives. And they were causing utter chaos in the process.

Well, there was only one thing to be done; get them moved on. There was nowhere for them all to stay, Twilight and the others couldn’t possibly accommodate them, and their little camps amounted to pretty much squatting and trespass on private property.

Turning around and heading back to the train station, I wired Celestia to let her know what was going on. Hopefully she could help get her little ponies under control. Meanwhile, I went to meet with Mayor Mare to see if there was anything I could do to help. I instructed Margaret to head back home, just to be safe. This was no angry mob, but I’ve seen plenty of peaceful demonstrations flare up with unfortunate results. Particularly when you get the Parachute Regiment involved.

Heading into Town Hall, I found Mayor Mare pretty much going spare with what was happening to her quiet little town. The simple fact was that there weren’t enough locals to help herd away the tourists, and there was too high a risk of something going wrong, like a stampede or a crush. Remember, Ponyville’s streets are pretty narrow compared to the likes of Canterlot or Manehattan.

First things first though, it would be a good idea to try diplomacy. Unbeknownst to me, across town on Sweet Apple Acres, Bones, who had formed something along the lines of a Rorke’s Drift defence around the farmhouse, was doing the same. I figured that, if push came to shove, we could call in the Royal Guard from nearby Canterlot to help disperse the crowd. But the best way at the present would be to use some of my own authority.

You see, as a government minister and advisor, I have certain legal powers to act on behalf of the princesses. I have a power of arrest and detention, can instruct constables in any jurisdiction in Equestria, and can also impose temporary measures at a legal level. In other words, I could read this lot the Riot Act, and tell them to sod off back home.

I said as much to Mayor Mare. She wasn’t too optimistic that the crowds would listen to reason, but we had to try something. It was starting to get late, and pretty soon all these buggers would be looking for somewhere to bed down for the night. So, hoping for the best, I stepped out onto the balcony of town hall, a bullhorn in my hand. First things first; get their attention. I finally had an excuse to do something I’d been wanting to do since I got this job. Raising the bullhorn up, I called out across the square.

“I AM...THE LAW!” That got their attention. A few hundred startled pairs of eyes turned to face me. Somewhere across town, my wife and both my kids facepalmed hard. I briefly explained who I was before getting to the point.

“Alright,” I said, now addressing the crowd in a much calmer tone. “Now, I appreciate everypony’s...interest in Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends, as well as their newly released friendship journal. However, several of your groups are trespassing on private property; namely Sweet Apple Acres and Fluttershy’s animal sanctuary. You will need to vacate within the next hour, or be charged with criminal trespass. The rest of you; Ponyville is not able to accommodate all of you. If you want to visit, you’ll need to seek lodging elsewhere. Your presence at the moment is blocking half the roads in town. That’s obstruction of a public highway or byway; also an offence. So please, collect your things and calmly disperse.” The crowd seemed to cotton onto this

However, before I could start making much headway, one of the many groups suddenly started up that Twilight and her friends were all now holed up inside the castle.

That at least got them all to leave everywhere else. But now things turned into a very peculiar siege of Twilight’s castle. You had all their various ‘fans’ as it were gathered outside, each one both vying for the attention of their favourite, and hurling slurs about the character flaws of the others.

Things more or less turned out alright in the end though. As is so often the case in Equestria, matters got settled by way of a good sing-song. Essentially, Twilight and the girls told their mentally unstable fans and stalkers that they were just ponies like themselves; they all had their flaws and made mistakes. This somewhat sated the crowds, but it was a shame that so few of them had taken any of the lessons to heart. Honestly, I think the only two who did were those two little fillies who first inspired Twilight to go ahead and publish in the first place.

Ultimately, it took the Royal Guard, with a detachment from Canterlot led by Strong Shield no less, being sent down to restore order. Strong Shield rocked up, read the Riot Act as it stands in Equestria, and fired a few bolts of magic into the air to hammer the point home. That cleared Ponyville out very quickly.

All that remained was the clean up operation. You have any idea what happens when a couple thousand tourists descend on a town as small as Ponyville? A whole lot of litter, that’s what. We ended up spending the next couple days just making the place look presentable again. And that was excluding the damage to all the grassland from so many hooves trampling on it, along with the general upset caused by what was effectively a flash mob.

So yeah, on reflection, and having given the matter a great deal of thought, I wouldn’t say it was the best idea Twilight ever had to go ahead and publish her friendship lessons. Although having said that, I know for a fact that Bones treasures his, signed, copy and consults it regularly for advice as do several of the kids who got their hooves on a copy. There was nothing wrong with the book, just the way some ponies reacted to it. I suppose you could say the same about that TV series that’s based on this world. Bones has told me plenty of stories about some of the stranger fans.

I didn’t need to know pony body pillows were a thing. Or what in Celestia’s name clop is.

It was a few weeks after the whole affair that my best friend decided to drop by to pay me a visit. I hadn’t seen Discord for some time. He’d been recuperating after his apparent near brush with death. You see, it dawned on him that it was always him going over to Fluttershy’s house for tea instead of the other way around. Despite how often he sleeps on my sofa, he does have a house of his own in his little chaos pocket dimension. So he decided that, for a change, he’d invite Fluttershy over instead.

The only problem was he didn’t want her to be put off by all the chaos that he usually keeps. So he tried to model his home after what he thought she might like. This resulted in him becoming so ordered that he actually began to phase out of existence at one point, much to his friend’s horror. Because he stopped being chaotic, his magic began to pack up, and as a creature of pure chaos, that very nearly killed him. Luckily, Fluttershy was able to use her own meagre chaos skill set to bring him back, and he embraced his own style, instead of trying to be what she wanted.

Personally, I just see this as further evidence that he wants to do her. But that’s besides the point.

I’d also never visited him in his own home before, since he much preferred to mooch off of mine and steal food and beer from my fridge. So, one afternoon, he came over with a proposition.

I was in my study working on a couple of little odd jobs from work. While sensitive stuff gets locked up in my office each night, I typically take a few things home with me, particularly on Fridays so I can work on them over the weekend. As I was going over an interesting new case currently being heard down at Doge Junction (cattle rustling if you’ll believe it) I heard a knock at the door. My study being at the very back of the house meant it was a bit of a stroll for me. So, it was no surprise when I heard Margaret call out.

“I’ll get it!” she called, her voice from the kitchen sounding a little distant.

Back on Earth, I might have been a touch suspicious. It was getting into early evening; a little from somepony to be calling. And as far as I knew, neither of us were expecting anypony. But this is Equestria, and more to the point Ponyville. Most folks around here don’t even lock their doors at night. So, I paid it no further mind, thinking it was probably just somepony being friendly or somepony Margaret was expecting.

However, a few moments later, my ears all but pricked up at the sound of my wife letting out a startled cry. Quickly setting my work to one side, I made my way through the house, picking up the iron poker from the fireplace as I went. Rounding into the hall though, I found my caution, more or less, unwarranted.

The reason Margaret had cried out was because Discord was currently suspending himself using his snake like tail, upside down from the door frame. She didn’t seem too pleased with his practical joke. Like Bones, she finds Discord deeply irritating. Of course, that only eggs him on more to mess with her. She turned back to me as I walked into the hall, her face flush partly from embarrassment and partly from anger.

“Your best friend’s here,” she said in a tone that showed her disgust was too deep for words. Her expression matched.

She quickly went back into the kitchen, leaving me to face the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony, who had at least now let go of the front door frame and was standing on the stoop like a normal pony.

“Hey, Discord,” I said with a half hearted wave. “Nice to see you using the door for once.” Like I said before, he usually just appears on my sofa.

“Well, I figured the old breaking and entering was getting a bit stale,” he replied with a grin. His smile told me that, as usual, he wanted something.

Don’t get me wrong, we are good friends. But at times I can’t help but feel that our friendship is a tad one sided. I look after him when he’s in one of his moods, he shows up whenever he needs something from me or wants to use me in one of his diabolical chess games. Still, he is a good mate when it matters. It’s just that for the rest of the time, I have to play Wilson to his House.

“Well, I know you didn’t come here just to frighten my wife. Guys’ Night isn’t for another couple days, and I don’t hear any sirens. So what brings you to my door at this hour?” I asked curiously.

At this, Discord snapped his talons and several confetti cannons fired off behind him. I hoped that he’d clean them up when he left.

“I’d like to invite you and Margaret to my house tomorrow,” he replied with far more fanfare than the statement deserved. I was about to ask him why, but he started explaining before I could.

“It occurred to me, you see,” he said. “That our friendship is a bit biassed toward me. It’s high time I started being a better friend to you. You should be able to come over and break into my house, and steal my beer from my fridge. Margaret too if she wants to.”

I wasn’t sure whether to be pleased or scared. On the one hand, this was Discord acting selflessly and actually trying to do something nice for me out of the goodness of his heart. Plus he seemed to be trying to do something nice for Margaret too, who at best tolerates him, in an effort to get her to be more accepting. On the other though, one of the many things I learned when I was with the volunteers was to never go to the secondary location. That’s how you end up with one in the back of your head in the woods somewhere.

But, Discord is my friend. And in all our friendship, he only ever double crossed me once, and he strongly regretted it. So I called Margaret back. She returned a moment later, having got over her initial fright and stared up at the draconequus.

“Discord’s inviting us over to his place tomorrow night,” I said matter of factly. “Fancy going along?”

My wife’s face first showed shock and surprise, then some anger and annoyance, and finally, turning to Discord again, curiosity.

“What’s brought this on then?” she asked him. Discord now summoned a battered hat that he held in his talon and paw and let his ears droop pitifully. It’s amazing how, for a chaos spirit, he can look like a lost little puppy at times.

“Oh, Margaret,” he said. “I just hate how we don’t get along. I know how much it annoys you when I just show up out of the blue and steal your husband. I thought it was high time I try to build some bridges between the three of us. I’d so much rather we be friends instead of having catfights every time I drop by.”

“So just what are you planning then?” she asked, still unconvinced. Discord shrugged his shoulders.

“Oh, nothing too extravagant,” he replied kindly. “I thought we could just get together, I could cook us all a nice dinner, have some drinks, talk into the evening.”

I have to admit, it was a little strange. Not what Discord was doing, but more the idea of going over to Discord’s house to have dinner, with no hidden agenda to think about. Conversely, while rare, on occasion, Discord does make an effort to actually be nice. He is reformed after all now. The best thing to do would be to encourage him. And it seemed that my wife had the same idea.

“Alright then, Discord,” she said cautiously. “I wouldn’t mind stopping by.” Discord’s ears perked up at that.

“Excellent!” he declared, scooping the two of us up in a hug for a moment. “How’s about a little after six tomorrow?”

“Sure,” Margaret agreed, gently pushing her way out of his embrace, allowing me to do the same.

Snapping his talons, Discord produced a little map for me.

“Here, you’ll need this,” he said, now a little more seriously. “I may have my own swingin’ bachelor pad, but it is in rather a rough end of town. This should help you find your way without too much trouble. See you tomorrow night.”

And with that, he vanished, as usual. I closed the front door and turned to Margaret, who was quite eager to see the map. Opening up the map, which was actually a fair bit larger than I was expecting, we took a look at the route we’d need to take. Curiously, it seemed to begin in our living room, leading through some kind of portal thing. A little alarmed by the fact that Discord appeared to have a near perfect map of the inside of our home, we went into the living room.

Sure enough, the inside wall now had a nice little interdimensional portal jutting out of it. It was like something out of Stargate. It seemed stable enough, and no eldritch abominations seemed to be coming out of it. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder what it was doing to the structural stability.

Hell, the water pipe runs behind there.

I reassured Margaret that he’d probably get ride of the portal after we visited him. She was more worried about the photographs that had been hanging on the wall before.

Taking a look at the rest of the map, things took a turn for the weird. Discord’s little realm is like stepping into one of Salvador Dali’s paintings with a bit of Picasso and post modernism thrown in for good measure. Everything was a little...off. The best way I can describe it is to take LSD while watching Teletubbies or riding on ‘It’s a Small World’ at Disneyland. Whatever you end up with is a close approximation to Discord’s little world. Charlie certainly didn’t seem to think much of the new addition to our living room, and spent the next half hour growling at it.

So, a couple days later, the two of us headed off. The phrase ‘guess who’s coming to dinner?’ springs to mind, albeit in the reverse. I’d actually gone as far as to tell Luna about it when she stopped by one of my dreams, just so, if we did go missing, they knew where to send the search parties. I mean, let’s be honest, you wouldn't be surprised if the Royal Guard raided Discord’s place and found a creepy sex dungeon, would you?

Now there’s a mental image I didn’t need.

The two of us had dressed ourselves up nicely, with me in a nice smart shirt, and Margaret in one of her more casual dresses. We used to go over to friends’ houses all the time back home. Heck, Bones tells me his fondest memory is of all of us going over to Siobhan’s place. He ended up playing an entire campaign of Galactic Conquest in Star wars Battlefront with her kids. I meanwhile, got absolutely smashed, and Margaret had to drive us home. Still, fun times. And when you get to our age, it’s nice to keep socialising. I’d hate to end up as one of those elderly couples that just stay home all day with their pets.

Heading into the living room, we held hands and stepped through the portal. It wasn’t actually too bad. Teleports tend to do a number on my stomach, no matter how skilled the castor is. This though was no worse than that feeling when you’re walking up stairs and you think there’s one more step than there really is, causing you to suddenly fall forward.

Emerging from the portal, we found ourselves in the strange, surreal world I described. The sky and ground, not that there was any distinction between the two, was was sort of purple, with a lava lamp like effect flowing across it. It reminded me of some of the cheesy special effects from Star Trek. Random floating islands drifted here and there, with multicoloured palm trees sprouting here and there. And in the ‘sky’ flew strange unnatural looking birds. Everything was in a constant state of flux; complete and total chaos. Were I not fearing for my own life and the life of the woman I loved, I might have found it fascinating.

“Oh my God,” Margaret exclaimed in shock. “This is Hell, isn’t it?”

I was about to respond, though for the life of me I wasn’t sure what I could say to reassure her, when another voice joined in on our conversation.

“Actually, we’re beneath Hell, Ah think. This is much worse. At least Hell is warm.”

It was Bones! What in the name of Celestia herself was he doing here?

Spinning around on the spot, we were amazed to find not only my son, but Lizzie too. Both our children were in this strange pocket dimension with us.

“How did you two get here?” Margaret asked, quickly bending down slightly to hug both of them in reassurance. Lizzie explained.

“Discord said he wanted to spend some time with me when he came by Fluttershy’s,” she said. “He said something about wanting to make up for being a bit of a jerk. He put some kind of portal in my room so I could get here.”

“He did pretty much the same thing for me,” Bones added. “Feller turned up on the doorstep, all apologetic like, sayin’ he wanted to offer an olive branch. Celestia knows the two of us have been like Q and Jean Luc since we met.” That was true, Discord loved teasing Bones; he always was easy to get a rise out of.

“Well, he said the same thing to the two of us as well,” I said. “Though he never said anything about inviting you two as well. I wonder why.”

“Ah’m gonna say, because he’s Discord,” Bones replied. I frowned but nodded.

“Yeah, that sounds about right.” I pulled out the map from my jacket pocket. “Well then, we might as well make a start. From this, it looks like we need to go past that black hole and then hang a left when we come to the Being of Inconceivable Horror.”

“Oh joy,” my wife said bluntly.

The journey to Discord’s house wasn’t actually too bad. Once you got used to the surreal nature of the world, it actually wasn’t too bad. Apart from one startling moment where a strange fish/bird hybrid made a strafing run at us, it wasn’t actually too bad. It was actually probably a fair bit safer than the Everfree Forest. Although having said that, at least in the Everfree, gravity wasn’t in a constant state of flux.

Still, we soon made it to Discord’s house. Like everything else it was a little out there. It actually reminded me a little bit of Fluttershy’s cottage. Given that he got this place after his reformation, it made some sense. As I’ve said before, I’m pretty certain he’s sweet on her. He might have a love/hate on again off again relationship with Celestia, which mainly involves him flirting with her to annoy her, but he’s properly sweet on Fluttershy.

Not that I can blame him. I might be a human; but she’s a sweet girl and even I can see how pretty she is. For Celestia’s sake, she was a model once upon a time.

We made our way up the winding and twisting garden path and, after timing our jump to match the constant rotation of the house, we all ended up on the porch. Knocking on the door with my knuckles, I heard Discord inside.

“Just a minute!” he called out.

We heard somepony opening and closing a door inside. A moment later, the front door opened, and there was Discord. He was smiling, and for once it was a genuinely kind smile, as opposed to his usual scheming smile when he knows he’s done something to show he’s smarter than anypony else.

“Oh, splendid, you’re here!” he said happily, stepping out to join us on the porch. He reached out to shake my hand. “Great to see you, Roger.” He then turned to Margaret, who was holding the bottle of wine we’d brought.

“Margaret, you’re looking as lovely as ever.” He gently took the bottle from her and moved in give her a peck on the cheek. This was weird; Discord was following usual social customs. Margaret was so caught off guard that she actually mirrored his greeting. He then turned to the kids.

“And Bones and Lizzie,” he said kindly. “Sorry I didn’t tell you I was inviting your parents along. But I thought it would be a nice surprise. Celestia knows the four of you don’t get to spend as much time together as you’d like. Anyway, come on in. Mi casa es su casa.”

Stepping to one side, he ushered us all inside. I was pleasantly surprised. Far from just not telling us he’d invited all of us just for fun, he’d actually done it as a nice surprise He had committed another selfless act. Well, as much as a part of me wanted to remain suspicious, I was much happier to be surprised and pleased to see this new side of Discord. He rarely shows it, but I’ve known that he has this side to him. Like I said, as a best mate, he’s always had my back. And I don’t even need to tell you about the roaring rampage of revenge he went on when he heard Fluttershy had been kidnapped.

The inside of the house, while a little unusual, actually wasn’t that startling. It actually reminded me a little bit of our own home. Leading us through the hall into the front room he ushered us all onto a pair of sofas. He meanwhile settled down in a high backed armchair. Before he did though, he snapped his fingers, prompting the cork on the bottle to come to life and uncork itself. Then, setting the wine down on a nearby side table, which already had a few glasses waiting ,he gave it a chance to breathe.

“It’s a nice place you’ve got here, Discord,” Margaret said as we all sat down. Discord actually blushed and with a shy a smile, waved away the compliment.

“Oh you should have seen it when I first moved in, darling,” he replied, mimicking Rarity a bit. “The place has been a real fixer upper. It took me about six months just to get the rotation right and get rid of all the jabberwockies.”

Now, Margaret does love her home decorating. Back on Earth, she’d spent a small fortune doing up our house. She even hired one of those designer people from Laura Ashley to come out to redo all the bedrooms and the living rooms. Suffice it to say, she knows the difference between pencil and goblet headed curtains, and knows good design when she sees it.

“Where did you get all the stuff from anyway?” Margaret went on. Discord leaned back.

“There’s a great little shop in Vanhoover,” he replied. “I’ll grab their contact details for you in a bit.” He clapped his paw and talon together.

“Anyway, how about we all get started on this?” he began to pour us a glass each and one for himself. “Dinner should be ready in a few minutes or so.”

With a snap of his talons, a glass appeared in everyone’s hand or hoof. Margaret had picked out a decent Prench red following that old trick when it comes finding a wine that was value for money; always go for the second cheapest. It won’t be terrible, and it will be a reasonable price while still being a fine drink in and of itself.

As I swirled the drink around for a moment, my mind couldn’t help but drift to all the beverages that were now forever lost to me. I might love living here in Equestria, but what I wouldn’t give for a pint of Guinness. Try as I might, I’ve not been able to find anything close, apart from a couple decent ales in Trottingham, everywhere else chills their beer for goodness sake. At best in Ponyville you can find a passable lager. And of course, AJ’s cider. While most of it is non-alcoholic, she does make some hard stuff each year.

It was with this though that I took a sip of the wine. And to my amazement, for the first time in a little over five years, I tasted Guinness. It took all my effort to keep my surprise from causing me to spew it across the room. After getting myself under control, I realised that Margaret and the kids had experienced something similar.

“What they hay?” Bones exclaimed in amazement. “This ain’t no wine. It’s whiskey!”

“Old number seven for you, Bones,” Discord replied.

“I was just thinking about a glass of Coca Cola,” Lizzie added.

“And so it became that,” he replied with a smile.

Bones, fascinated by the anomalous drink took another sip.

“Memetic?” he asked Discord after a moment. “Ah’m guessin’ y’all are usin’ your magic to alter the way we perceive the wine.” Discord shook his head.

“No, nothing so trite, dear boy,” he replied. “My chaos magic allows the liquid to be in a constant state of quantum flux until it’s tasted.” Bones smiled at that and barked a short laugh.

“Ha, so in other words, Schroedinger's booze.”

“Precisely.”

This was absolutely great. Never mind the whole progress Discord was making in his reformation shtick, I was just enjoying an evening with a good friend. As the evening continued, our conversation turned to the recent kerfuffle with Twilight’s book.

“I just can’t believe how little I was featured in it,” Discord was saying. “Such a glaring omission, considering I was the one who pointed out that it was filled with clues on how to open the chest and put Tirek back where he belongs.”

“I gotta admit, Discord,” Bones replied. “Ah was a mite surprised y’all didn’t find yourself with a few groupies. Celestia knows there were plenty of folks back on Earth who had y’all pegged as their favourite character in the show.”

“Yeah, mainly for the whole Q thing, right?” Discord replied with a laugh.

I’d told him about his similarity, including voice, to the Star Trek character after Bones explained that the same guy voiced him on the show.

“Oh come on, old man,” I said with a grin. “You’re like a nicer version of Q. You ocassionally teach ponies lessons through sociopathic manipulation, but you’re actually a nice guy, instead of messing with ponies for the hell of it.”

“I did feel sorry for poor Twilight though,” Margaret added, finishing off her second glass. “She put so much effort into that book, and it just ended up causing all sorts of trouble. Only a few of the foals really got what the lessons were about really. Most of the adults were just obsessing about the characters.”

“Now who does that sound like?” Lizzie asked. That got us all to laugh and Bones to blush a little.

“Hey, need Ah remind y’all that I do take Twilight’s friendship lessons to heart. But Luna is best pony.” We all broke out into laughter again.

The dinner was amazing. Apparently, Discord has a hidden knack for cooking. It was nice to just spend some time with him, even more so that it seemed to finally ease some of the animosity between him and the rest of my family. Margaret certainly didn’t object to the idea of him stopping by some time next week. Hell, the guy even snapped up a nice bouquet of flowers for her to say sorry for all the trouble he’d caused her, particularly that whole incident in Las Pegasus.

Even Bones who, while glad that Discord was reformed, had always maintained something of a frenemy relationship with him now looked on him as a decent enough guy, rather than dreading what manner of havoc he was going to cause each time he showed up at Sweet Apple Acres.

As for Lizzie, well, she always sort of tolerated him more than anypony besides me. After all, he was the one who turned her into a pegasus and, by extension, made it possible for her to start going out with Dewdrop eventually. And she’d always known him through Fluttershy, who tempered his chaotic nature somewhat.

But all good things must come to an end as they say. It was starting to get late. It may be the weekend, but Bones still had to get up early tomorrow, and Margaret and I didn’t fancy making our way back through Discord’s pocket dimension after midnight. As the rest of my family headed off though, I hung back for a moment to ask my best friend the obvious question.

“So, tell me, old man, what prompted this little get together?” I asked. “Not knocking it or anything, but I was quite surprised when you dropped by, more so when you invited the kids, and even more so when we had such a great evening together.” Discord smiled.

“Well, Roger, my dear friend,” he replied. “I’m sure you heard about my recent brush with non-existence.” I nodded.

“Yeah, Twilight told me about it from Fluttershy. Scared the living daylights out of me.”

“Well,” Discord went on. “As that whole mess was brought on by me not properly exercising my role as the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony, I thought it best to drum up some extra chaos for a few days, just to shore things up.” I was perplexed by that.

“Chaos?” I repeated. “How in Equestria was any of that chaotic?” At this, Discord smiled, and once again showed his absolute genius.

“Chaos is unpredictability, Roger,” he said. “It’s a mix of all sorts to create something nopony can fully understand. It keeps you on your toes, never quite sure what to do next. Tell me, if I invited you over and was my usual self, while it would be annoying, would it be chaotic?” The penny dropped.

“No,” I replied, beginning to understand. Discord nodded emphatically.

“Exactly,” he said. “To be chaotic, I need to always be doing the last thing anypony expects of me. And to honest, being the omnipotent trickster has gotten a bit stale lately. So, I did the last thing any of you expected. I invited you to my home, was a gracious host, and gave you all a lovely evening to bond together as a family again. It’s the last thing anypony would expect me to do! After all, chaos isn’t evil or mean, it’s just...unexpected.” I smiled up at my friend.

“Well, Discord,” I said. “If I had to pick one word to sum up tonight, it would definitely be unexpected.”

And with that, I took my leave, rejoining Margaret and the kids for the walk back home. On the way though, a thought occurred. Given that Discord had done all this to be chaotic, a repeat wouldn’t be chaotic.

That meant he’d soon be back to his old tricks again.

Unless, that would be what I’d expect, which would mean he’d stay with this new friendly routine.

But that was what he’d already done, and so wasn’t chaotic.

I shook my head. Discord was right, you couldn’t understand chaos. And oh boy, we were about to get it in spades.

Chapter 14 - La Vita Nuova

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I get on well with most of the guards in Canterlot Castle. They do their job well and every day, and every night, without fail, they do their best to protect Canterlot Castle and the city itself from threats both foreign and domestic. They’re a strange mix of both police and military, a bit like the Canadian Mounties or the German federal police. At times, they’ve come under fire for not having stopped serious threats like Nightmare Moon or Tirek. But most of these can be explained as something that they had no real ability to resist. The one black mark on their record though, is the changeling attack on Canterlot during Cadence and Shining’s wedding several years ago. While Chrysalis was enough to even pose a threat to Celestia, her underlings were no more dangerous one on one than a pony trained in combat. And yet the guard were almost overrun, and were it not for the intervention of Cadence and Shining at the last second, all may have been lost.

So, what went wrong? Why did a highly trained, well discipled outfit like the Royal Guard collapse like France in 1940? Well, the answer was simple; infiltration by fifth columnists. The changelings, to their credit had done their research and through deception and disguise had infiltrated the Royal Guard at quite a high level. They inserted an officer into the ranks, who’s sole purpose, when the attack began, was to spread misinformation and cause as much confusion as possible, to make it easier for the changelings to take the city and turn it into a feeding ground. That infiltrator’s name, or at least, the one he took, was Captain Strong Shield.

Now, why was this turncoat still serving today? And more to the point, why was he now playing a key role in training new recruits? Well, that was simple too. When he saw what was happening to the ponies he had served with for a good year or so, and the innocent civilians, he was torn between his duty to his countrymen and his duty to his friends and comrades. In the end, pony bested changeling, and in the spur of the moment, he switched sides. His actions helped the Royal Guard begin to rally, right at the moment Cadence got Shining’s shield back up.

That decision cost him dearly. He could never return to his home, lest he be executed as a traitor. It also cost him his right eye. When one of the changelings recognised him and saw him fighting alongside the ponies, they turned on him in a way that even I would describe as savage. He now wears an eyepatch over the old war wound; hence also why he is now relegated to training.

His true nature was uncovered a few years ago, quite by accident, when the rift in the Everfree Forest disrupted his disguise spell. After some initial unpleasantness on the part of the ponies at discovering a changing in their midst (this was before the recent peace) he eventually came clean to Celestia about his origins, and gave his word that he had no love for his former kin, and that he would stand by Equestria for as long as he was needed.

So the whole affair was quietly hushed up. It never went public and Strong Shield was, as far as anypony else knew, just another unicorn serving in the Royal Guard, with a long and illustrious career behind him. Strong Shield was happy enough with the arrangement. As I said before, ponies had reacted poorly when he was first found out. And even with the peace, the notion that a pony you’ve served with for so long was not who you thought they were, was something that few ponies would be willing to bear. Strong Shield would have been dismissed from the guard, most likely with a dishonourable discharge. He would be a pariah amongst both ponies and changelings. So, I and a select few others, have kept his secret.

But the thing about secrets is, no matter how deeply you bury them, they eventually have to come out.

I was surprised the next morning when, on the way to my office, Buttercup came over and told me I had a client waiting. As I’ve said before, I don’t work just for the princesses. I advise them as a government minister, but my services are also available to anypony who requests it.

For a small fee, of course.

“Oh, who is it this time then, Buttercup?” I asked, half expecting it to be yet another noble. “Fancy Pants, Blueblood, that tosser Jet Set?”

“No, sir,” Buttercup replied. “It’s Captain Strong Shield.”

Well, that caught my attention. While I crossed paths with the venerable guardsman from time to time, he’d never come to me looking to make use of the services I offered. He was a good law abiding pony, to my knowledge in his entire time in Equestria he’s never had so much as a misdemeanour levied against him. In fact, there was a time when Shining considered putting him in charge of the Royal Guard’s internal police force. Indeed, his current role in training the recruits requires him to have an excellent standard of behaviour. Being responsible for making and breaking the new recruits, he needs to model himself as a father figure to be both feared and revered. So why would he be coming to me?

“Did he say what it was he wanted?” I asked. Buttercup shook his head.

“No sir,” he replied. “He just asked me what time you’d be in and asked if he could wait in your office. I hope you don’t mind, sir.” I shook my head.

“No, not at all, Buttercup. I’ll go and see him now.”

The guardspony took his leave, heading back to the throne room to take up his usual duties as Celestia opened court. I meanwhile made for my office.

I found Strong Shield patiently waiting inside, sitting in one of the pony style chairs on the one side of my desk. He’d been here a little over twenty minutes now, but didn’t seem the slightest bit impatient. He looked up as I opened the door and walked in.

“Strong Shield!” I said with a smile, setting down my attaché case and reaching down to shake his hoof. “How the devil are you?”

“Oh, not too terrible, Mr. Owen,” he replied in that gruff voice of his. Strong Shield lived and breathed soldiering and his appearance reflected that.

He was currently in his uniform, the enchantment turning his usually dark blue coat to a coal dust grey, and turning his mane, which protruded from the spot in the top of his helmet, a silver colour. Between you and me, I’ve heard more than one castle maid describe him as a silver fox in his uniform. The thing that made him stand out though was the eyepatch that he wore over his right eye. The other was hazel, with a hard look in it; the sort of look that made you automatically end any response with ‘sir’.

Shaking his hoof, I walked around my desk and sat down in my chair, getting a few files out of my briefcase.

“So then, captain,” I said. “What can I do for you today.” Strong Shield was blunt in his response.

“I need you to kill me.”

I’ll be honest; that’s a new one. I just consider myself lucky that I hadn’t brewed my morning pot of Rosie Lee when he said that, else I might have sent it spewing across the room in shock.

“Kill you?!” I exclaimed. “”Strong Shield what in God’s name are you talking about.” Not helping my comprehension, the old guard cracked a wry smile.

“Not literally, Roger,” he replied. “I meant legally.” Nope, still no idea.

“I don’t follow.” Strong Shield sighed and explained.

“It’s been what, four months, since the peace treaty with the Changelings? I don’t have to hide any more. But I can’t be a changeling and still serve as Strong Shield. Strong Shield is a unicorn, an identity I created to infiltrate the Royal Guard. I can’t just take off my disguise and carry on. So, Strong Shield needs to die, so I can live as a changeling.”

Ah, right. Now I saw what he was driving at. For a few brief moments I thought the poor chap had come down with some terminal disease and wanted me to help ease his passing or something.

I’d done something similar myself many years ago. Until 1987, there was no Roger Owen. He suddenly appeared, having moved from Northern Ireland to the British mainland. Before then, I was Roger Rowain, and after being released from Long Kesh and resigning my commission with the Ulster Volunteer Force, I wanted to start a new life. I actually considered hopping on the boat to France and enlisting in the Foreign Legion, but even they don’t take hardened criminals. So instead, using up a good chunk of my savings, I paid someone, who through some clever trickery and bluffing that probably wouldn’t work in this more technological age where nothing is forgotten, created a new identity for me and let me start afresh. It seemed that was what Strong Shield also wanted.

“So you want a new identity?” I asked. He nodded.

“I fake my death with your help, and you give me a new life, so I can live out my remaining years in peace somewhere.”

Well, in Equestria, that was certainly doable. I’d done it for that mobster, Marelone, that I’d managed to turn informant. Faking a death is easy, it’s the building a complete life where there was none before that’s hard.

I leaned back in my chair and thought for a moment, before looking Strong Shield in the eye.

“You realise what you’re asking of me, Captain,” I said gravely. “You would have to completely leave your old life behind. You could never come back to this city, contact any of your friends; you would be breaking every tie you’ve forged over the past decade. One slip up and you would be exposed for all to see.”

“I understand,” he replied. “But I don’t want to die a liar. And I want to end my days as a changeling. Even if I am all multicoloured now.” We both shared a quiet laugh at that. Like all changelings, he’s now no longer black, and the holes in his legs have filled in. Even better, he doesn’t have to sneak love any more.

At that, my thoughts turned to Charlie, the changeling who passed himself off as a dog. When the peace came, Margaret and I had offered him the chance to return to the Changeling Kingdom. While we were both sad to see him go, we all felt it was right that he should be with his own kin again.

But back to Strong Shield. What he was asking would take time, and a whole lot of work. It wasn’t just a case of calling the number for a vacuum repair company and asking if they had a dust filter for a Hoover Max Extract 60 Pressure Pro. More to the point, I’d need to clear it with Tia. Doing this off the books could quite very well land both of us in trouble. So I promised Strong Shield that I would do my best for him. I’d go to see Celestia now, and then meet up with him again once I had an answer. All being well, we could start planning things then.

Just as I was, Celestia was a little surprised by my request. However, after a private meeting between the two of us, she eventually agreed. She would, quite carefully, work to fashion Strong Shield’s new life as a changeling. She would do the paper trail side of things; setting him up with enough money to leave him comfortable, a house to live in, and all the necessities that he would need. She at first suggested giving Strong Shield a stipend for the remainder of his years, but Strong Shield was adamant that he wanted a job; something peaceful, away from soldiering.

The three of us ended up settling on Strong Shield’s favourite hobby after his work; gardening. To everypony’s surprised, Strong Shield had quite the green hoof. He kept it quiet to keep up his image, but he loved to spend his days in his back garden. With that in mind, Celestia soon settled on the perfect spot for him. The Crystal Palace needed a new gardener. It would be somewhere away from both Equestria and the Changeling Kingdom, and it let him stay close to a couple of friends, although they wouldn’t know until much later. She quickly set to work making arrangements with Princess Cadence.

That was all in the future though for the moment. Right now, we needed to start planning the more immediate concerns. How to ‘kill’ Strong Shield. Pretending you’re dead is one thing, it’s quite another to bury you without someone cottoning on. The obvious way was to let a few more ponies in on the secret, but that carried greater risk of exposure. Strong Shield and I sat my office, trying to come up with a way to get it to work. This is why I’d paid someone to do this. Even I didn’t know all the details of how he’d made my new life while ending my old one.

“What if I just go missing?” Strong Shield suggested, as we both shared a drink from the bottle of whiskey I kept in my desk for just such an occasion. “Take a walk and don’t come home one night?” I frowned.

“Maybe,” I replied with a nod. "But that kind of death leaves ponies still hoping you’re alive out there. Even undisguised, they might one day run into you and make the jump. How about a fire? Say the temperature got hot enough to completely vaporise you.”

“You’re not burning up my house!” Strong Shield snapped. “The place is already tied up in my will. Besides, I don’t want ponies thinking I offed myself.”

“Well, then, for a natural death, you need a body, Strong Shield,” I replied. “And I don’t see how you can just...” I trailed off as an idea hit me.

Oh.

Oh, I am good!

Snapping my fingers at the realisation, I smiled at Strong Shield.

“We’ll do an Equestrian version of Operation Mincemeat.”

Let me tell you a little story. Back in 1943, not long before the Allies landed in Sicily, a British plane went down off the Spanish coast. All aboard were killed, and the only body recovered was that of a Royal Marines Captain and acting Major named William Martin. A Spanish fisherman pulled his body from the water and brought him ashore. Investigating, the Spanish authorities found a fair few personal effects on him, some change, a picture of his girl back home, and a rather angry note from his bank manager letting him know his account was overdrawn by £2 10s 6d. But more importantly, he was carrying documents marked ‘Top Secret’. These documents outlined the Allies invasion plan for Greece later that year, the first offensive on the European continent. Now, Spain, despite its alleged neutrality, was a fascist state, and quickly passed the information onto the Germans, who in turn promptly moved troops to meet the attack.

There was just one problem. The Allies weren’t going to invade Greece. And there was no Major Martin. His body was that of a Welsh vagrant named Glyndwr Michael, who committed suicide by eating rat poison. He was carefully dressed as a Royal Marines officer, and then a British submarine placed his body in the water, so that it would drift inland. The whole thing was a deception that fooled the Nazis completely.

What if we did something similar. If we made it appear that Strong Shield had in fact died, leaving the ponies with a body to bury. There would be no question of what happened to him.

Of course, there was no way we could use an actual body, but on the other hand, we did have an immortal spirit of chaos to call on. I was sure he could come up with something that got what we needed, while staying, mostly, within the confines of the law. With a little bit of work, I managed to get Discord to show up. I honestly think he’s bugged my office at some point. Either that or as a near omnipotent spirit of chaos, he can just keep tabs on me whenever he wants. Regardless, if I yell for him long enough, he usually shows up.

And evidently, he’d been listening to my conversation with Strong Shield. As he appeared in a teleport, he uttered the following.

“Roger, when you called me up here, did you see a sign above my house that says ‘dead pony storage’? I’m not giving you a body.”

“Easy, Discord,” I replied. “We don’t need a body, just a prop.” At this his mood lightened.

“Oh, fair enough.”

Snapping his talons, rather alarmingly, he produced on my desk a near perfect replica of the pony that sat across from me. Discord let out a clearly false sob.

“He looks so peaceful,” he said with an air of fake reverence.

“Christ, man. Get it out of here!” I exclaimed. The dead body disappeared as quickly as it came. I turned back to my psychotic friend.

“Can you do that, but put it in Strong Shield’s office, so it looks like he died of natural causes?” Discord thought for a moment.

“Alright,” he agreed. “But you’ll have to help me carry it.” I barked a short laugh.

“Well, you know what they say about friends and best friend; a friend will help you move a sofa, a best friend will help you move a body.”

And so, with Discord’s aid, we were set to go. We had Celestia blessing, more or less, and Cadence and Shining had agreed to take Strong Shield on as a gardener. Of course, they wouldn’t be able to treat him as their old friend and comrade. He would jut be another servant in the palace. It would be a whole other life. And we’d need to craft all of that before we could go any further. First things first, Captain Strong Shield needed a new name.

“You know, you never told me what you were called as a changeling,” I commented that evening as we were finishing up.

“Does it matter?” Strong Shield asked. “I sure as hay can’t use it as a changeling. Like it or not, I’m sure there are plenty of ‘em out there who still remember me as a traitor.”

“So what do you want to call yourself then?” I asked. Strong Shield shrugged his shoulders.

“I hadn’t given it much thought,” he replied. “I figured that we ought to get a few other things worked out before then.”

“Well, we might as well come up with something now,” I suggested. I thought for a moment.

As we’d been plotting and scheming over the course of the afternoon, Strong Shield had, from time to time, pulled out a small little notebook and quill, jotting little things here and there. I’d been a little curious about what it was all day long. As we now had a quiet moment, I decided to broach the question.

“What are you doodling in there anyway?” I asked. Strong Shield shrugged.

“Just something your kid was tellin’ me about,” he replied. “Something called a ‘video game’ I think. He was telling me about this fictional machine humans had come up with; a way to combine the foot soldier with artillery. A sort of metal gear that linked the two together.”

“Metal...Gear?” I asked with some surprise.

Bones didn’t usually talk to much about human technology. I know for a fact that we’d both at times done our utmost to prevent some knowledge from the old world from falling into the hooves of ponies. But as it was fictional, and more to the point impossible, there was little harm. It did however give me an idea for what to call the one eyed guard.

“How about Pliskin?” I suggested, with a ghost of a smile. Strong Shield pondered that for a moment.

“Where’d you pluck that out from then?” he asked.

“Same video game,” I replied with a grin. “Certainly fits you, I think. And it could pass for pony or changeling.” Strong Shield mulled it over for a few moment before agreeing with a nod.

And so a week or so later, our plan was set into motion. It was announced by a sorrowful Celestia before opening court. Strong Shield had not reported for his morning shift, when the guards went to investigate, they had found him dead in his office. The medics had ruled it as a heart attack. There were a lot of sad faces that day, including Shining Armor. While Cadence was in on the plot, to make everypony’s reaction’s more believable, nopony else had yet been told. Shining genuinely thought his old friend had passed. The whole guard seemed lost in thought the whole day. They did not forsake their duty for a moment, but you could tell that each and every one of them had sad thoughts playing on his mind.

The funeral was a few days later. Strong Shield and I actually planned it out as he wanted it. It was quite the touching send off really. Shining gave a wonderful eulogy, and Bones spoke very well of the pony who had taught him everything he knows about using defensive magic. With Strong Shield’s consent, I read a little from the Book of Common Prayer, and he was lowered into the ground to the strains of ‘Eternal Father’ ; the old Royal Navy hymn. Strong Shield was, in his own words, ‘hedging my bets, just in case’.

Nopony but me, Celestia and Luna knew it, but the deceased was also among the crowd. He was a few rows back in the crowd, disguised as just another civilian. While he didn’t show it, I could tell that he was deeply moved by the outpouring of grief and sorrow at his apparent death. The epitaph on his tombstone simply read ‘Here lies a soldier’; a line from a song from my days with the volunteers. He departed after the service, while Bones, Shining, and I, along with a lot of the guards, went down to one of the bars in Canterlot for the wake. And in true military fashion, we all got absolutely blitzed. I recall at one point getting in a fight with Shining when he made some remark about needing to replace Strong Shield. I put that down to a little too much booze.

In the end though, after something of a minor bar fight (and I say that as an Irishman, so other peoples’ opinion may differ) things settled down into the spirit of humour and mirth that you see amongst soldiers. It isn’t it real laughter; it’s just dealing with it. Given the choice between singing and weeping, which would you prefer?

Speaking of singing, before my memory went completely hazy, I do remember that I introduced the many attendees to a few songs from back home. Some of the guards had started up with some old drinking songs, and Shining, who was also now quite drunk along with Bones, asked if I had anything to contribute. So getting up with a glass in hand, I began. What song is more fitting than Danny Boy?

While it may be the anthem of Northern Ireland, it’s also quite commonly used in funerals and other send offs. And there was no way I was going to let Strong Shield go to the strains of ‘Amazing Grace’ on bagpipes. I’ve never understood why Americans, most of whom are neither Scotch nor Irish, would have that at their funeral. But anyway, I’m not too terrible a singer, even if Danny Boy take a bit of a toll of my pipes.

After that, things settled down for a while, we all broke off into little groups, tipsily reminiscing about our fallen friend and comrade. A part of me wished I could tell them what had really happened. That he wasn’t gone at all. But, for all this newfound peace in the air, how would they take it if I told them? How would they react if I told them the pony they served with and fought alongside, was an enemy agent sent to hasten their destruction, and who had then hidden his old life from them for years.

I couldn’t but help liken it to my own past. I’ve never told Margaret or the kids anything about my old life. They know I was born in Northern Ireland, but I always used the excuse that I was estranged from my family due to the conflict. My parents might be dead, but I know I still have a few relatives over there, some still involved with the loyalist cause, such as it is in this new century.

On the one hand, they had a right to know. After all, I’d told Shining, Discord and Celestia and Luna about it. Why not them? But on the other, I’m not sure any of them would want to even look at me if they knew half the things I’d done.

Does that make me a bad man? Or am I bad man trying to turn good? Maybe I’m just a bad man pretending?

I was roused from that depressing thought when we heard the sound of a scuffle at the other end of the bar. As is often the case at these sort of do’s, somepony had had a bit too much and was making an ass of themselves. Before too long, the scuffle turned into something of a fight, and by the time the three of us piled in to try and restore order, it was a full on brawl.

Needless to say, that got ejected by the proprietors. To this day I have no idea why I personally got the boot, I think it was just a mass barring.

The next thing I remember is being unceremoniously picked up by this hardcore unicorn bouncer. After being levitated through the air, I found myself violent flung out the double doors and into the street. Bones and Shining soon followed in a similar fashion. It was raining outside, and we landed on the lawn outside, which left us all covered in mud.

Of course, like most drunk lads on a Friday night, we found our new appearance absolutely hysterical. And after we managed to more or less rediscover our limbs, we all staggered back down the hill to the train station. Luckily the rain, which was absolutely pouring down, did a fair bit to clean us off, and Shining and Bones had a couple spells to make us more or less presentable. And with that done, the three of us jumped on the last train of the evening and headed back home.

Margaret wasn’t best pleased when I staggered in at two in the morning. I spent that night on the sofa.

For a while afterwards, Canterlot Castle wasn’t quite the same. The Royal Guard was like one big extended family, and they’d just lost somepony very close to all of them. Half the guys in now were trained by Strong Shield. The other half went through basic with him. There was a feeling of emptiness that permeated the castle wherever you went; a feeling that something was missing. If I’m honest, I just missed hearing the old dog screaming obscenities at the new recruits as he put them through their paces.

Even though I knew he wasn’t actually dead, I still felt the same way. I was in on the secret, but I could never tell anypony. I would most likely hardly ever see him, except on the rare occasions that I visited the Crystal Empire, and even then, it was a long shot. After all, the princesses’ legal advisor talking to some lowly gardener would raise a few suspicions. And like I’d told Strong Shield, it would only take one slip up for his new identity to collapse, and then we’d all be in a world of trouble.

It bothered me too that Strong Shield’s departure marked the continuation of a pattern. The old guard as it were, was slowly being replaced by new, younger officers. And while I have no problem with the next generation and the whole passing of the torch, I couldn’t help but feel there was something no good with this new brew. Mareclellan was new blood. He replaced the talented Shining Armor, and had done little to live up to his legacy. The newer recruits were less experienced. Many of those who’d been in the job during the Incursion were now being promoted to desk jobs. Half of the modern guard had never really seen action. Remember, it had been a good few years Since Tirek invaded the castle and even longer since Shining and Cadence tied the knot.

It felt like we were taking a step back, and that all the lessons learned were being forgotten. With budget cuts and restructuring, the guard was becoming less and less of a capable fighting force. Strong Shield’s departure took away their best drill instructor. After all, who better to train rookies than a genuine, bona fide bad guy? That meant they were coming out of the academy less able to do their job.

It bothered me. But there was little I could do about it. What the Royal Guard did or didn’t do was down to its own chain of command, not a very well paid lawyer, even if he was an ex-paramilitary.

For the longest time, I didn’t hear a peep from Strong Shield, or rather, from Pliskin. I’d told him wait a good while before reaching out to me to let me know all was well. It was the only favour I’d asked of him. If nothing else, I wanted to let Bones in on the secret. The lad deserved to know considering his friendship with the old soldier. But on the other hand, he needed to be careful. It was unlikely that anypony suspected anything of the new changeling gardener, but I’d told him to be careful. I even provided him with the old Moscow Rules, which had served me well on my occasional forays south of the border into the Republic.

I finally heard from Strong Shield indirectly through my son. He’d run into him quite by accident. Apparently, he’d gone up to the Crystal Empire to attend some sort of convention, or something like that. Sunburst was a guest speaker, doing a piece of the Crystal Heart. The two had met and become friendly with one another. I said Sunburst reminded me a lot of Bones, didn’t I?

Anyway, before that though, he took a stroll through the palace gardens and ran into ‘Pliskin’. A short conversation later, and he revealed to Bones who he really was; his old friend Strong Shield. The lad was more than glad to see him, if a bit irked that he’d not been included in the plot. Since sending him on his way, he’d apparently settled down quite comfortably in the empire, employed by Cadence to tend to the unique and very delicate crystal plants in the grounds. He’d of course, sworn Bones to secrecy. Twilight, who had been friends with Strong Shield when she was just a filly, sadly couldn’t be brought in on the secret; too high a risk. Bones can be trusted to keep his gob shut, Twilight can’t. She couldn’t even keep the ‘secret’ that Spike had a crush on Rarity. Still, Bones was more than glad to know that death hadn’t yet quite caught up with a pony he so admired and respected.

I finally got a letter from him a couple weeks afterwards. He apologised for not getting back to me sooner, but he’d been working hard to get settled into his new existence. He’d seen Shining and Cadence a couple of times, not to speak to, but he was glad to be around them, even if he couldn’t say hello as a friend. He was hopeful that, in time, he could reforge those friendships with his new identity. He closed by thanking me for helping him to spend the rest of his life in peace.

I smiled as I finished reading it. The old guy deserved it.

Chapter 15 - Redemption

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Starswirl the Bearded. You mention that name within hearing range of Twilight Sparkle, and I guarantee that you’ll get a full on Ted talk, complete with power point, on one of Equestria’s most notable wizards. To describe him as the father of modern magic would be quite the understatement. From my own limited knowledge on the subject, I know that he pioneered a lot of practices used today. He was even the pony who officially crowned Celestia and Luna as princesses all those centuries ago. A lot of Equestria as we know it exists today because of him. You might even say that he fulfilled Twilight’s role back in the day. History has noted that prior to Tia and Luna coming to power, back when the three tribes and the early government of the Unicorn Council ruled what history calls Old Equestria, which was then little more than a collection of settlements and farms, he played his part in protecting it from threats.

And he wasn’t alone either. If fact, he had six other allies who fought alongside him. In many ways, they were the precursor to the Elements of Harmony. They were there to stop Tirek and Scorpan, banished the Sirens to another dimension (thankfully not ours), and of course, it was Starswirl’s knowledge that helped a young Clover the Clever vanquish the Windigoes. Hell, he even taught Celestia and Luna the fundamentals of magic.

As a result, while not exactly a famous figure in modern society, his name is widely known and respected in magic and academic circles. His writings are required reading at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. He even has a section of the Canterlot Library of Magic named after him. And that’s forgetting the statue of him that stands in the castle gardens.

So, you’d expect such an influential figure to have grown old with distinction and passed amid much mourning and sorrow. Well, actually no. The stallion, along with the other so-called Pillars of Old Equestria, had vanished not long after Celestia and Luna had their coronation and raised the sun and moon for the first time. It was believed they had gone to defeat some ancient evil known only as the Pony of Shadows. It’s a foalhood bogeyman; the classic monster under the bed. From that encounter, they had never returned, and the Pony of Shadows had passed into myth, as had the other Pillars themselves. Only Starswirl and his legacy had withstood the millennia that followed, retaining his status as a historical figure. And his disappearance had become one of the great mysteries of the ages. Think of it like the demise of Captain Oates, the Mary Celeste, or Malaysia 370. Nopony knew what had happened, and we probably never would.

Well, we didn’t until a week or so ago. At that point, he was suddenly returned to us along with the other Pillars, courtesy of Twilight, Sunburst and my favourite unstable cultist, Starlight. Sunburst you see, by mere chance, had come into possession of Starswirl’s old journal; a magically charged artifact. With help from Twilight, he translated the Old Ponish (which sounds like a mixture of Klingon and Welsh from the amount of hacking required) to discover what had happened.

Starswirl had indeed confronted the Pony of Shadows along with his allies. Each of them had a magical object that acted in a manner similar to the Elements, Starswirl’s being his journal. They had used these along with the ancient power of Ponehenge (an archaeological site these days, three guesses to what it looks like, who’s true purpose had been lost to history) to seal him away in Limbo; the place between realities. But in doing so, they had to seal themselves away as well.

Twilight however, didn’t know that, and promptly went on a quest to rescue them all. She succeeded, but in doing so also brought back the Pillars’ ancient foe who promptly ran amok. In the end though, with the help of the Elements, along with Starlight and Sunburst, they were able to seal the creature away in Limbo again, this time staying on the right side of the portal. However, the adventure revealed another interesting facet.

The Pony of Shadows was no mere villain. He was a corrupted magical construct created by one of the Pillars; a young unicorn colt named Stygian. While lacking magical power, he was a strategic genius, and often came up with the plans the Pillars used to defeat the foes they encountered. When he tried to bolster his own magic though, Starswirl turned on him, convincing the others to do the same. Like Luna, the rejection caused a corrupting effect in Stygian that created the Pony of Shadows.

But in contrast to Equestria’s current policy of reformation of villains, Starswirl was more of a ‘shoot on sight’ type of chap. He had no interest in doing anything but defeating his enemy, seeing Stygian and the Pony of Shadows as one and the same. For a time, Twilight was too blinded by her admiration of Starswirl to see this flaw. Ultimately, it would be Starlight who would step up and rescue Stygian, who was actually trapped inside the beast he had inadvertently created.

The end result was that all seven Pillars were safe, the Pony of Shadows was trapped forever in Limbo, and we now had a far greater understanding of the Tree of Harmony. It was apparently planted by the Pillars a millennia ago, and had eventually grown to bear the Elements. It certainly filled in several gaps in our knowledge of it, although personally, I still had plenty of questions, which even Starswirl couldn’t answer, given how the Tree had grown and matured since he planted it.

Coming back to the subject of Starlight though, I have to say I was quite impressed. This was the second time that she’d helped to protect Equestria, and there had been no further ‘incidents’ since her visit to Canterlot Castle. I consider that she may finally be settling, although I’ll probably never trust her fully. Luna certainly seemed pleased, redemption being her hobby after all. She took a near instant liking to Stygian, finding him both another pony who had had a brush with darkness, but also being another pony from a thousand years ago. She actually played a major part in helping them all acclimate to this new world. After all, in terms of time passed, it was like sending William the Conqueror to modern times; everything had changed.

But where do I fit into all of this you ask? Well, I’ll admit, this particular little adventure was over and done with by the time I heard anything about it. The first thing I knew about our seven new arrivals was when I was summoned to the throne room.

Buttercup, as ever, came to my office to let me know I was needed and filled me in on the walk over. While I only had a passing knowledge of Equestrian history the words ‘Starswirl the Bearded has returned’ caused me to sit up straight. As we made our way through the halls, he explained the current situation.

“So the seven Pillars are pretty much stepping down now that Princess Twilight and her friends are around to protect Equestria. Starswirl is planning on going on a sort of tour around Equestria to catch up on all that he’s missed, and to learn a bit more about friendship. I knew Princess Twilight was good, being the Princess of Friendship and all, but I never thought that she’d be the one helping to teach Starswirl of all ponies about something.”

“It certainly sounds like an interesting tale, Buttercup,” I agreed. “It’s certainly good to hear that she talked him around in the end. Lucky it didn’t all end up as a case of ‘never meet your heroes’.”

“Starlight Glimmer helped out a lot too as well, the way I heard it,” Buttercup added as we came to the doors of the throne room.

I grumbled a vague response to that. While he was right, I didn’t like giving the mare too much praise. She could solve world peace as far as I was concerned, and I would be happy for her. But it would never undo what she did to all those ponies. I will forgive, but I do not forget. And I do include myself in that. If I spent the rest of my days doing pro bono cases, it would never undo all the harm I’d done in my days fighting with the volunteer force. The guilt of my actions would stay with me forever.

As the guards opened up the great double doors, I stepped inside. The throne room was looking a little sparse nowadays. The new renovated throne room was all but complete, including the two new thrones, one for each princess. The pair would be officially opening the new chamber on the day of the Friendship Festival in a couple of months. I was going to miss this place. This had been where I first met Celestia after all, and where I got my job offer. A lot of firsts in fact. There was a lot of personal history in this opulent court. And before its retirement, I would get one more first; my first meeting with the Pillars of Old Equestria.

All seven of them were gathered, along with both Celestia and Luna, both of whom were happily conversing with Starswirl, their old teacher, as I walked in. As I did so, he turned around to face me.

He was a moderately tall, gaunt, grey unicorn, with a noticeably long and sharp looking horn. His namesake beard (which must have taken no small amount of maintenance) went almost to the floor, while his long cape trailed behind him, the little bells occasionally letting out a chime as he moved. His eyes though, were what struck me. They were a steely blue that showed a determination that I hadn’t seen in anypony for quite some time. He regarded me coldly for a moment before speaking in a rather aristocratic, RSC sounding tone.

“I take it this is the creature you were referring to Celestia?” he asked, gesturing my way. I saw Celestia’s slightly pained expression. Evidently, like most geniuses, social graces were not one of Starswirl’s strong points.

“Erm...yes, Starswirl,” she said. “This is Roger. He’s been my legal advisor for several years now. He and his family arrived in Equestria through some sort of portal. We’ve never been able to identify what it was, or how it brought them all here, much less help get them back.”

“Certainly an odd looking creature,” he commented, examining me a little more closely. I felt my hackles rise a bit at that.

“I could say the same about you, friend,” I replied, doing my best to keep my tone neutral. He was however, quite unphased. Stepping closer, he examined me more closely.

“Hmm,” he said. “Bipedal, omnivorous, and seemingly magically inert. Quite the mystery. I’d personally be more concerned about the harm his magically neutral state could do to ponies around him.” Now both sisters grimaced. Luckily, his friends stepped in.

“Now, Starswirl,” an elderly unicorn mare said. I later learned that she was Mistmane; a mare who had sacrificed her beauty to help others. “Celestia asked you to help see if you could find them a way home, not catalogue them like one of your little projects.” That brought him to his senses.

“Oh...erm...yes...quite,” he said, coughing and clearing his throat. “My apologies. I do tend to get fascinated by unusual magical phenomena.”

“No worries,” I said, deciding to take the high road. “I’ve been put through far worse.” My thoughts quickly turned to Lyra and her...’interest’ in humans.

After that, Tia properly introduced me to our seven new arrivals. She’d explained the odd situation my family and I had found ourselves in here in Equestria. At this point, we had all given up any hope of finding a way back to Earth. And in all honest,y even if we did, I’m not sure I would take it, unless it was two way. We’ve all built lives, in fact, better lives here in Equestria. Margaret and I both have good jobs, and are looking forward to retirement in a few years or so. My son has a steady job, has greatly improved himself physically and mentally, and is in a stable long term relationship. And even my daughter has moved out of the house and is now living with her boyfriend. We’ve all put down roots here. And we’d been gone for so long that it would be difficult if not impossible to re-enter our old lives.

But anyway, Starswirl did indeed promise that, while on his journey around this new Equestria, he would endeavour to look into our situation. If nothing else, I wouldn’t mind knowing why Bones got turned into a unicorn, while the rest of us stayed human when we first arrived.

Once you got past the initial grouchiness, he was a nice enough guy. He actually reminded me of my old primary school headmaster; a stern father figure I had grown to respect and admire. He could be gruff and short, and had no tolerance for ignorance, but he was also always willing to teach and pass on his knowledge to the next generation. I even suggested that, upon his return, he might consider teaching at Celestia’s school. After all, half the books on magic were either written by Starswirl himself, or based on his work.

The other pillars too were all very friendly. Mistmane, as I said, was a calm, serene, and despite her age, a deeply beautiful unicorn. Meadowbrook was a healer that could probably teach even Zecora a thing or two about lotions and potions. Rockhoof was pretty much a one stallion army, but like Big Mac, was a gentle giant. Sonambula had that same wonderful never give up spirit that saw England through two world wars. And Flash Magnus, well, he was exactly what the Royal Guard needed in terms of soldiers. In fact, I later heard from Duck and Cover, two stallions that guarded that castle drawbridge, that when Mareclellan asked a junior officer what he needed to make the Royal Guard more effective, he replied ‘Give me a squadron of Cloudsdale Legionnaires’, much to the captain’s annoyance.

But there was one pony who hung back somewhat, and that was Stygian. He was the smallest of the group. Neither impressive to look at, nor particularly talented in magic or other abilities. But as I said before, he was the brains of their operation. And without his help, they had had to improvise when they all sealed themselves away in Limbo with the Pony of Shadows.

I could guess how the poor lad was feeling; the same way Luna felt on her first night back in Equestria as her old self. He was not evil, and he personally had done no wrong. In fact, you could arguably lay a good portion of the blame on Starswirl. But the guilt on his conscience was plain to see. He didn’t feel like some returning hero. In fact, he didn’t say a word to me until I was leaving.

Having met all the pillars and had the situation explained to me. I thanked the princesses and prepared to take my leave. I had a fair bit of work to do for an upcoming case involving a scuffle between ponies and diamond dogs. Celestia wasn’t too sure if the pony in question, who had apparently knocked six bells out of one poor mutt, should be charged with assault or animal cruelty. You see, you don’t get that back on Earth.

As I was leaving though, Stygian broke off and approached me. I barely heard the lad clearing his throat as he tried to get my attention. Being small for a pony, he was even smaller compared to me. At best, I’d say he was no more than 3’9; not that much taller than Spike or the CMCs.

Eventually though, I realised that he was standing just behind me as I went to open one of the double doors. Putting on my best friendly face, I asked him what I could for him.

“Oh,er, Stygian, right?” I said. He nodded. “What can I do for you?” The young pony looked about him uneasily, keeping one eye on his friends.

“Is there somewhere we could talk?” he asked, sounding a little nervous. I gestured through the open door.

“Sure,” I replied. “What about?” Stygian continued to fidget nervously.

“You’re like a barrister, right?” I nodded.

“That’s correct. I advise both the princesses, and anypony wishing to see me. And before that I was a legal advocate specialising in criminal law. I defended those accused of crimes.” Stygian nodded in understanding, but said nothing.

“Do you need advise on a legal matter?” I prompted.

“I want to turn myself in,” Stygian replied simply. Ah, now I saw how the land lay.

“Follow me to my office,” I said. “We can talk in private there.”

And so, two of us left the throne room and retraced my journey back to my office. Stygian was fascinated by the castle. After all, when he vanished, the two sisters were still living in their old castle in the Everfree Forest, now a ruin in the wake of Luna’s banishment, Canterlot was just a small settlement; prominent, but not yet the capital. In fact back then, it’s main industry was mining. He even asked about the crystal caverns that lay below the castle.

“The city sure has changed a lot since we’ve been gone,” he said as we turned a corner.

“It certainly has,” I replied. “Canterlot is now the capital of the entire Realm of Equestria. It’s the seat of the royal government, home of the two sisters and also to a good chunk of the nobility. Even on my salary, I couldn’t afford to live here full time. Not bad for a little mining town, is it?”

A short while later, we arrived back at my office. Unlocking the door with the old brass key, I ushered Stygian inside, closing the door behind him. I gestured for to take one of the seats opposite, while I sat down opposite. In the spirit of friendly relations, I offered him a cup of tea, which he politely took. I then turned to business.

“Right,” I said, clasping my hands together on my desk. “First things first, a few basics. Everything you say to me in this room is confidential. Unless I have reason to believe you’re going to hurt somepony, or yourself, I won’t reveal anything that is said without your consent. I can advise you on any legal matters, including criminal law, however, if you are charged and inform me that you’ve committed a crime, I cannot advise you to lie, nor can I lie for you. Finally, the advice I give is purely that, advice. You are not under any obligation to follow it and you can terminate my services at any time. All fair enough?” Stygian nodded.

“Okay then,” I went on. “You said in the throne room that you wanted to turn yourself in. You have committed a crime?” Stygian looked at me as if I had two heads.

“Er, yes?” he said, sounding a little confused. “I tried to destroy Equestria, kill Starswirl and the others, and nearly dragged them and all our new friends into Limbo!”

“Really?” I asked, tilting my head curiously. “I understood that those actions were perpetrated by the Pony of Shadows.”

“Precisely. Me.” I shook my head.

“Actually, no, Stygian. As I understand it, that creature was a magical construct, and entirely independent of you, to the point where it had trapped you inside itself. You were not responsible for the crimes of another.” Stygian however, persisted.

“But I created it!” he said sorrowfully. “It might have grown into something more, but it was built on my magic and my negative emotions.”

“So was Nightmare Moon in the case of Luna,” I countered. “But I’m happy to say that Princess Luna has never been charged with a crime. Like you own Pony of Shadows, the creature that called itself Nightmare Moon was separate from Luna in legal terms.”

“So, what, you’re saying I didn’t do it?” he asked, now quite perplexed. Remember, he came from a millennia ago, long before multiple identity disorder was identified.

“I’m saying that you were not in control of your actions at the time,” I replied.

“But I, as the Pony of Shadows, hurt a lot of ponies, and nearly destroyed Equestria,” he persisted. "Even if it was a magical construct, I still played a part, I listened to the darkness. I need to be punished!”

At this, I got up from my desk and walked around to sit in the chair next to him, giving our meeting a more informal feel.

“And what, tell me, would that achieve?” I asked as I sat back down. He didn’t have an answer. I went on.

“You made a mistake, Stygian,” I said. “There isn’t a pony, or human, in this castle that hasn’t at some point in their lives. But there came a point after Starswirl and the others turned on you, that it ceased to be you who was choosing a course of action. I’ve heard the way you spoke about how the Pony of Shadows almost did great harm to our homes. You were appalled by it, and no matter how mad you might have been at Starswirl, you would never have acted as it did. The Pony of Shadows had no such moral quandaries. And that is why he is now in Limbo, and you are here. You aren’t a criminal, Stygian; you’re a victim, who was taken advantage of by another when he was at his most vulnerable. And whatever crimes you may have committed, I think have been more than punished by what you’ve undergone. Besides, Celestia would never consider charging you, and there isn’t a court in the land that would convict you.”

“So, what, I just get let off, with a slap on the wrist?” he asked. “That doesn’t seem fair. You can argue your legal rules as much as you want. I still set the chain of events in motion, and for that I should pay.” I frowned at that.

Stygian’s attitude reminded me of how Luna had been over her own fall to darkness. Like Stygian, she had sought to punish herself through the Tantabus, giving herself horrid nightmares of her actions every night to remind her of her past failings. Hardly a healthy attitude. And like Stygian, I see Luna just as much a victim of Nightmare Moon, just as Stygian was of his own dark counterpart. And I know for a fact that Bones will go postal on you if you even suggest the idea of Luna being to blame for what happened.

Like her though, Stygian wanted to punish himself, to somehow make restitution with the universe. But like Luna, he had committed no great crime. Like her, he had allowed his jealousy and anger take over. I’d tried to make him see reason, but I wasn’t getting through to him. There was only one thing for it.

“Tell you what, Stygian,” I said, getting up again. “Come with me for a moment. There’s somepony I think you should meet.”

So Stygian followed me out. I led him up to Luna’s tower. Like I said before, if there was anypony in Equestria that could understand Stygian’s position, it was her. I just hoped that she wouldn’t be either sleeping or busy with her work. Luna can be quite the introvert at times, and cloisters herself off to work on her occasional projects, preferring not to be disturbed. And of course, she is somewhat nocturnal due to her nightly duties. She’d been up enough as it was, preparing potential contingencies against the Pony of Shadows, had Twilight and the others been unsuccessful.

Heading up the spiral staircase the led to both her personal apartments and her observatory, I found myself wheezing a bit. I really needed to get back into shape. The same could be said for Stygian, who also found the going pretty rough.

Eventually though, we reached the top, where two guards were waiting for us. After a brief security check we were allowed admittance. Unlike Celestia, Luna still firmly believes in strict security and had resorted to having her own Lunar Guard protect her chambers in the aftermath of the Royal Guard’s failure to protect her from changeling abduction. One stallion firmly told us to wait where we were, while the other, after knocking on the door with a hoof, briefly stepped inside to the speak with the princess. I heard Luna’s voice briefly, followed by the guard’s. A moment later, he reappeared and we were ushered inside.

Luna’s chambers are what you might expect. While opulent, like those of her elder sister, they were much more subdued and utilitarian. The colour scheme also reflected Luna’s darker colours, with a beautiful mural of the night sky painted on the ceiling. Much of the furniture was antique and wooden, and many pieces of classical artwork lined the walls, as did dozens of ancient texts. At the moment, Luna was sitting at her desk, a quill hovering in her magic as she jotted something down. As we stepped in though, she set this to one side and turned to face us.

“Roger, welcome,” she said kindly. “And Stygian too. My dear friend, it has been far too long.”

Getting up, she walked over to join us. I was struck by the size difference between the two ponies. Like I said, Stygian was quite small, and while Luna is nowhere near as big as her sister, she positively towered over the little stallion. After some pleasantries, I explained the reason for our visit.

“Stygian here wishes to be thrown in jail,” I explained. “I thought you might be able to share with him some of your own experiences on redemption.”

Luna beamed at that. Reaching out with a wing, the alicorn embraced Stygian, which made him start for a moment before blushing a little.

And so, Luna spent some time chatting with Stygian, with me occasionally chipping in now and then. I’d told him about Nightmare Moon, which had of course, happened many years after his own fall to darkness. But Luna gave him a much more personal story. She used a phrase that has stuck with me ever since, and given me some insight into just how truly terrifying her ordeal was. She said ‘I know what it’s like to be afraid of your own mind’. Nightmare Moon was gone, yes; destroyed by the Elements of Harmony. But the idea, that dark facet of her personality, still existed within Luna. It was quite possible for it to re-emerge, given the proper circumstances. It certainly explained why she had constantly kept reminding herself of her past misdeeds.

The same fear could be applied to Stygian. The Pony of Shadows was very much a part of him. While it’s physical form had been separated from him, it was still there, in the recesses of his mind; anger, frustration, jealously, greed, fear, a seed of darkness that had grown into a monster. All those emotions had allowed the creature to flourish and grow beyond his control. And it was perfectly possible for a repeat of the experience to happen.

Now, I cannot begin to imagine what either of them went through. Luna once told me that she was fully aware of everything Nightmare Moon was doing, but unable to stop her. And Bones tells me how, to this day, he is haunted by the look of fear on Luna’s face as the darkness overwhelmed her. Stygian too had suffered in the same way, unable to control anything, but still aware and conscious and terrified. Frankly, I’m amazed either of them came back sane.

Their conversation helped the two reformed heroes to bond with each other. A small part of me even wondered if there might be something more than friendship growing between the two. Until now, they had met nopony else who could understand what they had been through. They were like...kindred spirits.

Seeing how the pair were getting along, I felt a bit of a third wheel and prepared to take my leave. Stygian however, now no longer believing that he should be thrown in jail, asked me to stay, as he wanted to ask me something.

“Oh, what’s that then?” I asked curiously.

“You said earlier that there wasn’t a pony or human in this castle that hadn’t made a mistake. If you don’t mind me asking, what was yours?”

For a moment, I considered giving something of an evasive answer. But this little stallion had just sat here and poured his heart out to me and Luna. She already knew anyway. So I saw no harm in telling him. We’d already agreed not to discuss anything that was said after all.

“I was a terrorist, Stygian,” I replied sadly. “Back on my own world, I hurt people, stole from people, and killed people, in the name of a cause I now know to be folly. Sure, I changed, I reformed, and started a new life. And while the man you see now is nothing like the one I was, I will always carry my guilt with me. Like I said before, that’s our punishment. We have to live with what we did, and try our best to make up for it.”

At that, my thoughts again turned to Starlight. My opinion on her had softened of late. After all, were it not for her, I wouldn’t be chatting with Stygian right now. He’d still be in Limbo, trapped in his own personal Hell. I can never forgive her for what she did. It was wrong, it was sick and it was twisted. And I still maintain that she got off with it too easily. But she’d drawn on that experience, her own guilt over her past actions, and her own reformation, in order to help save Stygian. That was twice now she’d helped save the day. While I don’t believe that it would ever be possible for either her or myself to ‘balance the books’ as it were, I couldn’t help but see her now as being less of a former nemesis, and a little more like Luna or Stygian here.

I shook my head. Now was not the time for contemplating Ponyville’s most dangerous unicorn. I stayed with Luna and Stygian for a little while longer, slowly bringing him around. The healing process would take time, and it would probably be even longer before he could rejoin his old group of friends. But it was a start. And as a wise man once said, each journey begins with a single step.

I didn’t hear too much from Stygian after that. The Pillars as a group, given that Twilight and the Elements of Harmony were now around to protect Equestria, along with the Tree of Harmony itself and the princesses, chose to retire from their old job of saving the world, or ‘defending the realm’ as Starswirl put it. They were ponies out of time, and quite keen to integrate into this new world they had travelled to. Luna was key in helping them all adjust in those early day.

They all ended up settling quite well. Starswirl, as I said before, went off travelling around Equestria to learn the art of friendship that, if Celestia is to be believed, cost him his chance at ever having wings. Sonambula returned to her native Saddle Arabia a hero. Rockhoof sought to return to his old Coltic village to help with the excavation efforts. Flash Magnus did stay in Canterlot, and took up old Strong Shield’s job of training the rookies in the Royal Guard. Mistmane travelled to the Crystal Empire, where she used to her skills to work as a landscape artist for the royal family. And Meadowbrook had returned to the Hayseed Swamp and opened a sort of pharmacy and clinic for the folks living in the bayou country.

Of Stygian however, I heard very little. Like I said, he was going through a lengthy recovery process. I’d assumed that meant many months of therapy and counselling. However, with prompting from Luna, he took quite a different approach, and turned a good bit as well.

Luna recommended he try a form of writing therapy to lay out all his thoughts and concerns plainly. Not only did this help him immensely, but it also made quite the interesting read.

Stygian wrote about how he had felt betrayed by his friends when they cast him out. After all, he didn’t really do anything wrong. He was always quite magically weak, and while a skilled planner, he was a poor fighter. He sought to rectify that. But when he tried to augment his own magic, Starswirl flew off the handle. If you want to blame anypony, I’d lay a fair portion with him, given the way he just turned on Stygian. Bones always did say that Starswirl was closed minded.

Kicked out of his friends’ group, he was left alone and vulnerable. Finding his way to Hollow Shades, the long abandoned home of the thestrals, he came into contact with the shadow, the same force that had corrupted Luna. It took his existing emotions and began to amplify them. Sadness and loss were, through its clever manipulation, turned to anger and rage. That eventually resulted in the Pony of Shadows taking form, with Stygian’s mind being warped to spread the same darkness across all Equestria.

He even chronicled what he remembered from his time as that dark creature. It was him, you understand, but at the same time, it was a separate entity; the darkness using him as a conduit if nothing else. He certainly had a gripping writing style. I actually felt as if I were there in that terrible place.

Finally, he covered his rescue and redemption and the process of recovery that brought him to put quill to paper. It was a riveting read, with a style reminiscent of T. E Lawrence, and I would certainly rate his work as one of the best I’d ever come across.

Well, other ponies in Equestria seemed to think so too. As he recovered and began to resettle into a new life, at Luna’s suggestion, he submitted it to publishers. It was an overnight sensation. Part autobiography, part history, part psychological thriller and horror, it made for excellent reading and quickly punted Twilight’s friendship journal out of the number one spot, something everypony was glad about.

Stygian quickly found himself no longer seen as the pony who used to be the Pony of Shadows; a story book villain used to frighten little foals. Instead, he became a bestselling author of no small renown. Last I heard, he even considered taking up writing as a career. Like all the Pillars, he was a goldmine as far as history was concerned, able to give accurate accounts of his adventures with the Pillars, from defeating the Sirens to stopping Tirek and redeeming Scorpan. Plus, his knowledge about everyday Old Equestria put him in a prime position to write fiction set in the period as well. I even heard rumours that he was working on some sort of romance novel series co-authored by Luna herself.

And speaking of Luna, I still maintain that the two were into each other. Both ponies out of time, they really bonded over their experiences, and had spent a great deal of time together finalising his book. They’d even been seen together a few times in public. At first I found it a little comical, the little stallion and the much taller night princess, but I guess height prejudice isn’t as much of an issue in Equestria. It certainly hasn’t put every stallion in the world off trying to court Celestia. But with time, given how they clearly had connected as more than just friends, I changed my tune, just glad that they’d each found somepony. Luna needed a friend beside her sister; somepony who didn’t see her as a princess.

Things seemed to be brightening up. The Pony of Shadows was defeated, we had another team of heroes on standby to defend Equestria, and Twilight’s new Friendship Festival was right around the corner.

If only I’d known the hardship we’d all experience in the next few days.

Chapter 16 - Aftermath

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I found myself standing in one of the main exhibit halls of the Equestrian Royal Museum, the Mecca of art in this world of ponies. It was as if someone combined the National Gallery, The Louvre, the Musee D’Orsay and the Vatican Archives all in one place. With Celestia as its patron, the vast museum, which spanned several buildings in Canterlot’s busy tourist district, houses art from Pre-Equestrian times, all the way up modern day pieces like those created by Spearhead.

You might be surprised to know though, that it also houses a few pieces of human artwork. None of it is the true original of course. Most are reproductions painted by ponies, based upon the copies which came through the rift when it briefly opened. We ended up with quite a decent cross section, from the surrealists to the impressionists. There was even a copy of Da Vinci’s Mona Lisa, scaled up at my request. Seriously, don’t waste your time going to see the real deal. It’s absolutely tiny and always swarmed with yammering Chinese tourists with their stupid selfie sticks.

But there was one piece which had almost been refused for display to the public, due to the shocking images it portrayed. And it was this particular painting which, as an art lover myself I had lobbied long and hard to get put on view, I was now standing in front of.

The piece had always held some fascination for me; so beautiful, yet so terrible. I couldn’t help but be reminded that Canterlot had almost looking like that just a few days ago.

I won’t bore you by going over what has been covered a thousand times already, the Storm King attacked Canterlot, Twilight and the others barely escaped, and eventually managed to fight their way back and defeat our new, psychotic foe. What they don’t tell you though, is what happened next. You see, there was the small matter of the traitor in our midst. Tempest Shadow, or Fizzlepop Berrytwist, to use her real name, while forgiven by Twilight, had on formality, been arrested.

I had taken no small amount of pleasure in seeing her properly tried and convicted of treason. Celestia though, had shown her mercy, mistaking her instinct for self-preservation for remorse. Tempest had been exiled from Equestria, but given the task of spreading the magic of friendship, as well as news of the death of the Storm King.

And I say death, rather than defeat with good reason. In the immediate aftermath, while his petrified form was badly cracked, there were concerns that he might be alive in there still. Well, twenty minutes with a jack hammer, courtesy of Discord, soon put those worries to rest. He was never going to be reformed, or stay on the black rock he came from if we let him out. I took no pleasure in it, but there’s only one thing you can do with an enemy who can’t be reasoned with.

But back to Tempest. She was due to be flown to the edge of our borders first thing tomorrow. Canterlot would be glad to see the back of her. Hell, Celestia had done it partly to protect Tempest. Many would have liked to see her dead. It was only Celestia’s authority, and ponies’ respect for it, that stopped them from taking any action. Still, before she went, I wanted a chance to look her in the eye. I wanted to tell that turncoat bitch precisely what I thought of her. Like I’ve said before, I don’t have that strange ability ponies have to just recover from a crisis. I needed catharsis before I can move on.

It was more personal for me than most. Let’s not forget my last job, as a young man. I spent the better part of fifteen years fighting traitors. I spent a good portion of my life fighting outlaws and a rebellion in my homeland. I left that fight not because the cause was wrong in and of itself, but because the banner I followed had ceased to uphold that cause. I may be a man of peace, but I am still a loyalist, and Hell with freeze over before there’s a united Ireland if I have anything to say about it.

But back to the present. I stared up at the mural before me, looking for the cleverly hidden images within, admiring the details and thinking back to the dark days of the 1930’s.

I was startled from my reprieve by the sound of the large, heavy doors behind me opening, and three sets of horseshoes clanking their way across the marble floor. I turned around for a moment to see her being led in. Tempest was being escorted by two guards, both slightly smaller than her. She was tall for a mare, almost as big as Cadence or Shining. She had a hard look in her scarred eye, but I knew that she saw that same look in mine. Her tough solider act didn’t intimidate me. If anything, I found her appearance and her backstory comical, like something a teenager would dream up if they were looking to create a dark and trouble character in a story. The fractured horn, barely anything more than a stump just completed the look. That was the only thing that made her dangerous; unpredictable, and completely undirected magical blasts had been her forte during her brief attack. In hand to hoof though, even at my age, I could still pin her.

Give me a blade and I’d give you a dinner in France.

The two guards led her up to me, stopping a few paces away. She and I found ourselves in something of a staring contest. I’d made no secret of my disgust to her, and despite her own apparent turning to the side of good, and realising just how many terrible things she had done, she didn’t much like it.

Eventually, we both blinked and I turned my attention to the two guards.

“Thank you, gentlecolts,” I said softly, my voice echoing in the large ivory chamber. “That will be all. You can wait outside until we’re finished.” The pair looked at each other.

“With respect, Mr. Owen,” the more senior one said. “Our orders were to stay with the prisoner at all times.”

For a moment, I considered shouting at that, telling them to sod off and do as they were told. But that just a waste of my vocal chords. They were just doing there job after all. And I find being able to intimidate someone into doing as you say without any abject display of might is more effective than some fancy show.

So I just looked him in the eye, and said one word.

“Out.”

He held my gaze for a moment before he broke; a brief, silent battle of wills. After that, he did as he was told, his companion following suit a moment later. I watched both of them to the door. Neither of them turned around. They knew I was watching them. I waited for the door to close shut with a bang that echoed like every other sound did in here. I heard the sound of the door being locked as well. And after a moment of contemplation, I turned to Tempest.

She was a little shorter than me, even with that stupid mohawk mane of hers. No disrespect to Zecora, hers is cool. You could tell from even this distance that she knew how to handle herself. Even as she stood, she was in a ready position, able to leap into combat at a moment’s notice.

I was doing the same thing. Nothing fancy, none of that karate nonsense. But I’d moved my feet to be at a right angle, and turned my body slightly sideways to face her. It makes you more stable if someone tries to push or punch you.

Once again, our eyes locked for a moment. This time, I allowed her a small victory as I smiled at her, before turning and gesturing towards the huge mural that adorned the wall next to us.

“Remarkable, isn’t it?” I offered, in a low, soft voice. She turned to look, considering for a moment. “Incredible beauty, mixed in and made one, with unspeakable horror.”

“Looks like just a lot of shapes to me,” Tempest replied in her own menacing tone. I smiled.

“Yes, well, Picasso never was one to simply mirror the world around him,” I countered.

“What is it supposed to be? Tartarus?” I shook my head.

“No. It’s a little village in Spain, think of the Maredrid region of Equestria, called Guernica.”

Ah yes, one of humanity many, many mistakes. Before the Holocaust, before the famine in Rwanda, and before Guantanamo Bay, there was Guernica. A peaceful little town, used by the Nazis and the Italians to test their new weapons before the Second World War began.

It was at the height of the Spanish Civil War. Communist republicans and fascist nationalists were fighting for control of Spain. The communists, who were at that time the government in Madrid, were backed by the Russians and the famous International Brigades; volunteers from all over the world fighting the menace that was about to overrun Europe. And on the other, you had old Franco, supported by the Nazis and Mussolini. They provided him with ‘volunteers’ in the form on the Condor Legion and opted to throw away the rule book when it came to bombardment from the air.

Guernica was behind the republican lines. All the men had left the town to fight the fascists, and it was now market day. The streets were packed with women and children. And then there was a sound of engines. Then, to quote a poem on the subject; ‘Death came in, like thunder, as they were playing’. The fascists razed the town to the ground, killing hundreds and wounding hundreds more.

Taking a breath, I turned back to Tempest.

“It depicts the town being attacked from the air by a rebel faction. You can see the dying horses and oxen, a women cradling her dead child in her arms.” I pointed out the images, distorted as they were.

Tempest looked at the painting again, now more closely. Eventually, her pony nature began to shine through. While she might style herself as some fierce warrior, she had never killed anyone. I could see the horror in her eyes as she looked at the painted scene before us.

“You seem troubled,” I commented with a sneer. “I’m surprised. After all, you did just the same; attacking a barely defended city, filled with innocent mares and foals. You destroyed their homes, you almost killed a pony, turning them to stone. I’d even say you did far worse. So why does this shock you?”

“I...I...I didn’t,” Tempest muttered, her previous bravado now faltering.

“Oh yes you did!” I replied, rounding on her. “Don’t pretend otherwise, Tempest Shadow! You did just as much as in this painting. You committed an unforgivable crime as far as I’m concerned. You are a traitor, and apparently, also a coward.”

Tempest snorted and turned away from me and began to make for the door. I called after her.

“I wouldn’t waste your time,” I said, raising my voice. “That door doesn’t open unless I want it to.” She spun around to face me, now clearly furious, her stub of a horn sparking like a shorted cable.

“What do you want with me?!” she shouted back.

“I want you to face what you’ve done,” I replied, pointing at the painting again. “I want you to feel guilty. I want you to know the suffering and pain you caused.”

“But why torture me like that?!” she asked, holding back a sob. “Why force me to think about all the things I have done?”

Now, I relented a little. I dropped my aggressive posture, relaxing my shoulders. Walking over to her, I got down on a knee to be closer to her height. It actually let us see eye to eye. Taking off my jacket, I fiddled with cufflink on my shirt, before rolling the sleeve up, exposing my old UVF tattoo.

“So that you never do it again,” I replied softly. “You hang onto that guilt so that, no matter what happens, you never go down that road of anger and revenge. You remember the terrible things you did, the shame, the disgrace. It keeps you honest.” I got back to my feet.

“Don’t think you are alone,” I added, tapping the faded tattoo with my index finger. “Each of us can find a maggot in our past that will easily devour our future. I give you a means to reclaim yours.”

Tempest stood their in silence, contemplating what I’d just said. The two of us are more like one another than I care to admit. When I was her age, I was very dumb and very angry. And, as the saying goes, war is where the young and stupid and tricked by the old and bitter into killing each other. I’d done just as many evil things as she did. Neither of us were, nor would we ever be, good people. But I have to believe that we can still serve a purpose in this world. We’d both been tricked, but we could learn from it, draw on the experience of our mistakes; try to become better for it.

The alternative...well, I considered the alternative before I came over to England. I’d been let out on Long Kesh, thoroughly hating myself. And I’d sat in my bedsit, with a bottle in one hand, trying to drum up the courage to remove myself from this life. I’d not been able to go through with it, and in time, I found a way to at least come close to some form of redemption.

As much as I despised Tempest, I had no desire to kill her to protect Equestria. I would much rather she try to redeem herself with what time she has left.

After a few moments more, I strode over to the double doors that led into the gallery, and banged on it three times with my fist. A moment later, the guards unlocked and opened the doors, rejoining us.

“Go with these guards,” I said calmly to Tempest.

So she rejoined them. The two guards seemed a little surprised at her suddenly subdued nature. I watched her be escorted away. I left her with one final, somewhat more ominous warning.

“Oh and Tempest?” I called after her, prompting the trio to turn around. I gestured to the mural again. “That incident happened almost ninety years ago. I can assure you, if you cross me, you’ll get to see first hoof just what us modern humans are capable of.”

And with that, Tempest Shadow walked out of my life. At least for the foreseeable future at any rate. By this time tomorrow, she’d be somewhere beyond the sea, telling anyone who would listen of the Storm King being turned into a pile of rubble, and how the magic of friendship had saved the ponies he had sought to conquer.

As long as she was out of the country, and as far away from my loved ones as possible, I didn’t mind. I might have encouraged her to seek redemption, but like Starlight, I would never fully trust her. In fact, in the aftermath of the attack on Canterlot, I took to carrying a combat knife at my ankle. The twenty one foot rule applies to magic, just as it does guns, after all.

I spent a little while wandering around the gallery, taking in a few other historical pieces, including a fairly recent one commissioned to mark Luna’s return to Equestria. Eventually though, I had to get back to work. I had two other important jobs to do today, both I was looking forward to for one reason or another, and both ponies in question deserved what they’d be getting, but only one meeting was going to make me happy.

Walking back up the hill to the castle for a change, I marvelled at how little evidence remained of the three days of occupation the city had endured. And on that front, I would like to say that the city and its inhabitants did indeed endure. We might have been down, but we were certainly not out. And I am confident that even if Twilight and the others hadn’t made it back, we’d have been alright in the end.

Why you ask? Well, because of a little idea I suggested to the princesses. The Designated Survivor really paid off in the form of Shining. It all happened an hour or so after things settled and the princesses were released. We were all doing our best to get our bearings, when all of a sudden, the throne room doors burst open and Shining charged in, Flurry Heart riding on his back. He’d brought most of the Crystal Guard with him as a relief column, but his daughter was our best defence.

Apparently, when he realised something was wrong in Canterlot, he’d rallied his men, picked up his daughter, pointed at the now cloud covered city and told her bad creatures had taken her Whammy. She was like the Ark of the Covenant, being carried before the army, her alicorn magic ready to put monkey boy in his place. Remember, things only went south because Tia and the others were caught off guard, and your standard shield spell isn’t airtight.

The other reason though, was that, for the duration of the Friendship Festival, the Royal Guard was stood down, with all its personnel on leave. Courtesy of Mareclellan, now former captain of the Royal Guard. Luna, and Celestia too, had finally run out of patience with him, and relieved him of his command on the spot. Luna took it one step further though, and had his former subordinates put him irons, on a charge of dereliction of duty and cowardice in the face of the enemy. The latter, I may add, in wartime, was a capital offence. He’d been locked up in the castle dungeons for two days, and was now to be brought before myself to determine how proceedings should go, and if a court martial was necessary.

I believe I’ve made my views on Mareclellan clear enough, so I won’t waste time repeating myself. I didn’t feel any hatred for him, as I did with Tempest, but I was going to be glad to see the back of him. Celestia had, at least for the time being, put Flash Magnus in charge, much to her sibling’s delight. I was hopeful that the guard would be whipped into fighting shape within six months.

Anyway, back to the present, Mareclellan wasn’t yet in my office when I got back, so I had some time to look over the official reports and statements taken from fellow officers. There was certainly a good case to be made, but in contrast, a court martial would mean admitting the Royal Guard’s incompetence, and they were already in enough hot water in the mind of the general public over the princesses kidnapping by changelings. So I figured I’d play things by ear.

It was as I was pondering all this that there was a knock at my door.

“Come in!” I called, not getting up from my desk.

The door opened and good old Buttercup stepped in. He had, what I can only describe, as a shit eating grin on his face. Like me, he figured that what was about to happen had been a long time coming.

“Sir, I have a case for you directly from the regimental police,” he said. “An officer of the guard has been found to have breached our code of honour, and is hereby referred by the Provost Sergeant to yourself for judgement.” I nodded, accepting his petition.

“Very well, Lieutenant Buttercup,” I replied, with a smile of my own. “I shall accept the case and deal with it summarily unless matters compel me to refer the case to the Day Court. Have the officer brought in under escort.”

“Yes, sir,” Buttercup answered, before turning back to the doorway. “Bring the prisoner in here.”

A procession of three guards in full dress uniform now marched in single file at the quick march. The ones in the front and rear of the little column had armbands marked ‘RP’ on their right foreleg, to indicate that they belongs to the Provost Sergeant’s detachment. And between them was Captain Mareclellan himself. He looked pretty damn cross about his current situation. As they filed in front of my, the lead guard barked a command.

“Detail, halt!”

All three of the guards stopped in place, stamping the one right foreleg.

“Left turn!”

All three now pivoted to face me, and the two guards in the escort saluted me. I acknowledged them and then turned my attention to Mareclellan.

Now, normally, a hearing like this was a very serious affair. It was my job to determine if firstly there was a case to answer for; had the officer in question broken any of the laws, rules or customs of the Royal Guard. And secondly, if the matter could be dealt with summarily by me, or if a full court martial and enquiry would be needed, putting the case before Celestia or Luna. Instead though, I decided to skim over a few of the formalities. As I said, nopony was looking to make all this official. The words Celestia had used were ‘sacrificial lamb’ I believe. I looked Mareclellan dead in the face.

“Do you want a court martial?” I asked. “Or will you just piss off and give us all a break?”

Mareclellan bristled at my flippant question. He was a poor commander, but a stickler for rules and regulations. He snarled at me for a moment before replying.

“I’ll piss off,” he growled back. “Buck all of you.” I feigned a smile.

“Thank you,” I replied. “Hand in your kit and sign off. I want you out of the gates by noon. Dismissed.”

And so the guard in front called for another left turn and began to quick march them out of my office. At least, they would have done, had the door not suddenly been opened again by a bowing Buttercup. In strode Celestia herself. And let me tell you, she did not look a happy pony princess.

It was already widely known that Luna had had Mareclellan hauled into her chambers, where she had proceeded to verbally eviscerate him and, if rumour is to be believed, had to be restrained from gelding him. While I cannot testify to the latter, everypony in Canterlot had heard her shouting at him.

Having a near immortal alicorn who can move a stellar body on a whim scream at you is terrifying enough. But nothing is scarier than being told off by Celestia. It happened to me once, and it was an experience I’d never care to repeat, nor would any of the other few ponies who have subjected to it. In contrast to her sister, she doesn’t shout or scream. She never even raises her voice. She remains perfectly kind and civil throughout, and that just makes it so much worse. Mareclellan looked terrified, and everypony else, myself included, just thanked their lucky stars that they weren’t the pony she was after.

“Roger,” she said serenely. “Could I use your office to speak with Captain Mareclellan for a moment.” I was on my feet in milliseconds.

“Yes, of course, your majesty,” I replied hurriedly, bowing and fast walking my way out, along with Buttercup and the other two guards.

We were only outside in the hallway for a minute or so, but when Mareclellan and Celestia stepped out, he looked absolutely devastated. I did my best to listen in. All I made out was how he’d ‘put my little ponies in harms way’. Celestia has quite the maternal instinct when it comes to her subjects after all. And judging by his face, I’d say she’d gone full Momma Bear on him. Even worse though, a solitary white feather now adorned the captain’s helmet. The white feather had the same meaning in Equestria as it did in England; the coward’s mark.

Since Mareclellan didn’t contest any of the charges against him, things then moved onto the last bit of humiliation for him; being drummed out. While away from the public eye, the whole guard was assembled for the brief ceremony. A shot across the bows of anypony else who didn’t do their duty to its fullest extent.

Mareclellan was marched onto the castle’s parade square to the beat of single drum. I had my own part to play here as Celestia’s legal representative. I would be the one reading the charge and conducting the proceedings, while both princesses and the assembled guards watched. As the drum stopped, Mareclellan and his little detail came to a halt. I, standing next to the two princesses, opened up a scroll, and read to the assembled crowd from Equestria’s Articles of War.

“Article 10,” I read, my voice echoing across the square. “Every officer, captain and commander in the Guard, who upon signal or order of fight, or sight of any enemy which it may be his duty to engage, or who, upon likelihood of engagement, shall not make the necessary preparations to fight, and shall not in his own person, and according to his place, encourage the inferior officers and men to fight courageously, shall suffer death, or other such punishment as from the nature and degree of the offence a court martial shall deem him to deserve. And if any person in the Guard shall treacherously or cowardly yield or cry for quarter, every person so offending, and being convicted thereof by the sentence of the court martial, shall suffer death.”

Now, obviously, Mareclellan wasn’t going to get a literal axe, one of several reason why he chose to not go before a court martial. He was however, about to be drummed out; dishonourably discharged for dereliction of duty. He was lucky they weren’t tacking on cowardice in the face of the enemy.

Having read out the charge against him. Celestia now spoke.

Captain Mareclellan, for gross dereliction of duty resulting in the temporary capture of the city of Canterlot at the hands of enemy forces, I Princess Celestia, do herby decree that you shall be stripped of your rank and dishonourably discharged from my guard. Have you anything to say?” Mareclellan looked up at her, and held her gaze for a moment.

“No, your highness. I do not,” he replied. Celestia nodded to the detail, one of whom now drew his sword. The drummer now began to play the Rogue’s March. I didn’t envy him of what was about to happen.

The guardsman took his sword and, with great care, cut off the epaulettes, medals, regimental buttons, and other markings that showed him to be an officer of the guard. It was a sort of ritual humiliation, stripping him of everything that marked him as a soldier. With that done, the guardsman turned, not saluting, and marched away. Mareclellan too, turned and walked at a measured pace out of the front gates.

That was very much the end of him. Last I heard, he’d moved to some place near Vanhoover, and lived quietly. Now though the guard needed a new gaffer.

Celestia made her choice on the spot, making Flash Magnus’ promotion official. He was now Captain of the Royal Guard. Master under Celestia and all that jazz. I would find myself getting to know him quite well over the coming weeks.

With the ceremony over, I headed back to my office. There wasn’t too much left to do today, although there was one other event marked in my diary that I was to take part in. It was much more upbeat than the rest of my day had been, and involved giving thanks to a dear friend who had, quite arguably, saved Equestria.

And she always delivered my post on time too.

During the attack on Canterlot, when Twilight and the others were in a fighting retreat to get out of the city, Tempest attempted to trap Twilight in stone as well with one of those infernal obsidian orbs, in order to drain her magic and those of the other princesses, so that the Storm King could power his staff. She was prevented from doing this though, when somepony pushed her out of the way, escaping the gas, and suffering petrification themselves.

That pony was none other than Derpy Hooves. She’d been freed when the Storm King was defeated and Twilight used her magic and those of the princesses to undo all the damage he and his ilk had done to the city, destroying their prison cages, all the obsidian crystals, and returning all those petrified to normal. As far Derpy was concerned, no time had passed, since the effect had rendered her unconscious.

While ponies had gotten over the shock of the attack and the trying three days it took for relief to arrive, there was still need for something of a morale boost, something the media could get behind and run with. And considering the impact of Derpy’s heroic actions, which in effect ensured that events played out the way they did, it seemed only fair that she be properly honoured.

And so, I found myself walking to the new throne room, now once again occupied by its rightful owners. The two princesses you see, formed the ad hoc committee that judged whether or not a pony was worthy of an honour or award. They’d done the same when Starlight and the others helped save the day during the Second Incursion, and for Twilight and her friends when they defeated Discord. The discussion on Derpy had taken less than a minute.

Walking into the throne room, I found an honour guard posted in full dress uniform, who promptly saluted me as I walked in, along with both princesses in their ceremonial regalia. And in the centre of proceedings, was Derpy Hooves, looking bashful as anything. I quickly hurried to Celestia’s side. Once again, I was the apparent master of ceremonies. But as I said before, this was far more pleasant than drumming a pony out.

Things started with a brief speech by Celestia on heroics and bravery. I won’t bore you with the details, although it was very well written. The long and short of it was her describing just how Derpy’s actions constituted as heroic, displaying a gallantry that was never expected of a mailmare. She then went on to say that it was only fair that such bravery be properly recognised and informed Derpy that she was to be given an award.

Now I stepped in, taking a moderately sized box from one of the attendants. Walking over to Derpy, I smiled down at her.

“Derpy Hooves,” I said gladly. “In grateful recognition of your actions during the attack by the Storm King and his army, which ultimately saved the life of Princess Twilight Sparkle, and ensured the liberation of this city from those forces who sought to occupy it, I am pleased to officially induct you into the Most Excellent Order of the Realm of Equestria. Your actions, in the face of the enemy, in view of your status as a non-combatant, were of the highest gallantry, going above and beyond any call of duty, or loyalty to one’s homeland or princesses. Therefore, you are hereby granted the title of Officer of the Realm of Equestria, and you may use the post nominal ORE. Congratulations.”

I shook her hoof, before removing the medal from its box and gently placing it over her head. It was certainly no small achievement for the humble mare. The order was akin to the George Cross back in Britain or Australia’s Bravery Medal. Little Dinky who was standing with several other witnesses, looked pleased as punch to see her mother so recognised. Celestia knows some ponies have given Derpy a hard time in the past. I hoped this all made up for it.

And it made me feel a bit happier too. Unlike ponies, I was still struggling with all that had happened during the attack. I’ve been through worse, sure, but I don’t think we’ve ever come that close to losing. It was luck, the Storm King turning on Tempest, and the fact that his minions, while equipped with shields that could deflect magic, were not so immune to fire from little Spike that had saved us. A lot had gone wrong, and a lot of heads would ultimately roll in the aftermath. And it would also propel a less friendly aspect of ponies, their occasional xenophobia, right to the forefront of the political world.

We’d all suddenly realised that not everywhere was as nice as Equestria and its surrounding lands. There were places without friendship, without harmony, who looked on this land with envious eyes, and had slowly but surely drawn their plans against us. It was a watershed moment that would effect Equestria for quite a few years afterwards.

And I personally would soon find myself dealing with some of the less amicable parts of pony society; those who had decided that if it didn’t have four hooves, a mane and a tail, it shouldn’t be let in. The kind of ponies who talked about fortifying our borders, and who went on long speeches about the dangers of ‘uncivilised creatures’.

It was all cock and bull of course. While we had encountered some less than friendly races, many of them were now our allies, including the griffons, changelings, and dragons. Even the storm creatures themselves were not evil, they were just doing as they were told by a very dangerous warlord. Hell, some of them had even been allowed to join in the Friendship Festival celebrations after everything was all said and done.

But some ponies, and some people I might add, don’t respond to evidence and rational arguments. Instead they just tout their version of the truth as their gospel, encouraging other like minded folks to follow them. And before too long, we would be dealing with a situation that almost pushed us into what could only be described as a world war.

Chapter 17 - Rights and Freedoms

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It was in the aftermath of the Storm King incident that Twilight came up with a rather unusual idea. As I said before, in the wake of the attack, there was quite a lot of negative feeling towards non-ponies. After all, in the last few years, Equestria had been attacked by changelings, centaurs, the odd dragon or two, and now these storm creatures. That of course overlooked plenty of home grown threats, but who said scared ponies were rational ponies? In any case, xenophobia, particularly in Canterlot, flared up sharply, and there were a number of incidents where the guard had to be called in to settle things, with a few cases even being kicked up to Day Court.

The same thing had happened on Earth in the wake of attacks by Islamic extremists. No matter how long a griffon, or changeling, or zebra had lived in the city, and been friends with plenty of ponies, suddenly they weren’t to be trusted and would turn on you at any moment. It was ridiculous! In time of course, things would settle, but I wasn’t too happy about just letting things go on like this.

As it turned out, Twilight thought the same way. She decided to address the problem by spreading the magic of friendship across the borders, to all the other species. How you ask? Why simple, she was going to do what he old mentor Celestia had done; open a school. Based in Ponyville, and with her five friends as professors, she would take in not only pony students, but also representatives from the Changeling and Griffon Kingdoms, the Dragon Lands, Yakyakistan, as well as the newly restored Hippogriffs, who by all accounts had recovered quite well from their underwater, self-imposed exile.

The idea was to get ponies interacting with many different races to stop the cause of racism at its source; ignorance. I can’t tell you how many skinheads have changed their tune once they actually met a black man, or an Asian, or a Jew. And at the same time, we’d be building relations with our new friends overseas, as well as having a nice little PR show. There was even some hush-hush talk in the corridors of power of creating something akin to the United Nations, or at the very least, a common defence pact, so that in future, the other nations wouldn’t just sit on their hands while our capital got sacked.

Celestia leapt at the idea and gave it her wholehearted approval. There was just one problem. For the school to operate, it needed to receive accreditation from the Equestrian Education Association, or EEA. This private body acted as a sort of stamp of approval for all the school, colleges and universities across Equestria. And all teachers needed to be equally accredited to teach at a passed school. There was just one problem, and that in the form of the organisations current head; Chancellor Neighsay.

He was at the head of this new xenophobic mania, and Celestia knows in his case it wasn’t just xenophobia. He was an out and out racist if you ask me. He certainly didn’t take kindly to the notion of ponies mixing with other races. Worse still, he had power of veto on any accreditation. And it wasn’t as if Celestia could just override his decision either. As a private body, she had no jurisdiction over them as she did over the Department of Education. So we soon found ourselves on a collision course between Twilight’s new school, and an ignorant, racist bellend who wanted nothing less than to see the place shut down.

Both Celestia and I could see the storm brewing on the horizon, so she attempted to nip this problem in the bid, summoning Neighsay to her court for a private meeting. It was quite rare of her to do that; close the doors of the court, more so to have her invite somepony, rather than them coming forward as a petitioner.

Still, Celestia is a fine diplomat and negotiator. I was fairly sure that she would be able to talk Neighsay around, or at least get him to back off for a time. But she wanted to be extra prepared, just in case, and asked me to be on hand in the throne room to help if things descended into legal arguments.

I figured that there might be some heated debates, but I couldn’t foresee what actually happened.

The meeting was set for a little after lunch. Morning is the busiest time in court, and things tend to slowly taper off after lunch until the evening. This way, we’d be inconveniencing as few ponies as possible by temporarily closing the court. Celestia, as ever, sat on her throne, a picture of serenity and patience. And I was standing beside her. I considered once or twice borrowing Luna’s throne since it was there and she wasn’t using it, but I’m not the Princess of the Night, and I’ve seen how Celestia reacts to Discord stealing her chair. So I patiently stood beside her, a few files tucked under my arm.

The double doors opened and Neighsay was escorted in. He was quite tall and lanky by pony standards, with an equally long, almost gaunt face. As was somewhat common in Canterlot society, he was dressed. In his case, he wore a rather ornate looking maroon robe that somewhat reminded me of the Freemasons. And on his lapel, he wore a bright gold medallion with his organisation’s emblem on it. I knew from experience that this wasn’t just some trinket. It was a magical amplifier; the guy was no Twilight Sparkle, and he used this to summon his little portals that he used to travel across Equestria, amongst other things. Bones had been working on something similar himself the last I’d heard.

As he approached the foot of the dais, his eyes fixed on Celestia for a moment. Most ponies smile, some even show a hint of reverence, but not him. His face remained an impassive mask of neutrality. Celestia, not to be outdone, mirrored his lack of a reaction. He then turned to me.

It was clear from the off that he didn’t like me. As I said, we’ve had dealings before. When Celestia first appointed me as her legal advisor there were some objectors and detractors. A lot of it faded away once the preposterous rumours were shown to be false, but a stalwart few, like Blueblood, as well as Neighsay, continued to resent my position in the princess’ inner circle. He glared at me, doing little to hide his obvious disgust. But like Celestia, I gave him nothing. To do otherwise would just play into his nonsensical world view that everything that wasn’t a pony was out to get him.

Celestia started things off, doing her best to at least break the ice and try and start things from a friendly outlook. Sadly, she was unsuccessful.

“Good day, Chancellor Neighsay,” she said kindly. “It is always a pleasure to see you in my court.” Neighsay offered the bare minimum of a bow.

While he isn’t stupid enough to say it out loud, I know for a fact that he thinks that Celestia is too soft, too ‘weak kneed’ as he put it when it came to protecting Equestria from foreign threats. I might even go as far to say that he thinks, considering what happened, she shouldn’t be the ruler of Equestria, nor should Luna. I took a long, slow breath, and resisted the urge to remove his spine. Neighsay spoke as he stopped at the foot of the two thrones.

“While I am grateful for the invitation, your highness,” he said, in a voice that somewhat reminded me of Orson Wells. “I fear I must ask that we keep this meeting brief. I have a serious issue with a school being opened by Princess Twilight Sparkle that I need to deal with.” Celestia allowed herself the smallest of smiles.

“And it is for precisely that reason that I have asked you here,” she replied, before turning to me. “I trust you remember my legal advisor, Mr. Owen?”

“Good afternoon, Chancellor,” I said neutrally. He continued to glare at me in disgust. I just continued to pretend that it wasn’t driving me barmy.

“Ah, yes,” he said, with some disgust, before turning back to Celestia. “Princess, I think it would be best if you ask him to step outside while we discuss this issue. While I’m sure he has a fine knowledge of Equestrian law, this really is a pony matter.”

Okay, friendly tip, when Celestia overlooks your blatant racism and political snipping, invites you into her court, and gives you an opportunity to be vaguely civil, I always advise that you take it. Because very rarely is there a second chance with her. Neighsay was about to learn this the hard way. Celestia’s previous warm, maternal look now fell away, replaced by an icy stare that had made even minotaur knees buckle.

“Mr. Owen is my legal advisor, Chancellor. His presence is required.” she replied coolly. “And when you stand in his presence, you have the decency to speak to him directly, instead of referring to him as if he were a piece of furniture. Is that clear?” Neighsay snorted.

“Very well,” he grumbled, pouting like a child. Celestia resumed her friendly demeanour.

“Now, I understand that you have some concerns relating to the school of friendship that Twilight is proposing,” she went on, in a tone that said, ‘do watch your tone with me, mortal’. “Would you care to explain them to me?” Neighsay now started in earnest.

“Princess,” he began, in the tone of a university lecturer who knows he has tenure. “Twilight Sparkle’s proposed school for friendship represents a serious threat to Equestria’s security and the safety of your subjects. She intends to invite other dangerous and uncivilised races, including dragons and changelings, to send representatives to undertake her courses. This will place pony students in grave danger by having them in such close proximity with these beings. Furthermore, her teaching of her so-call Friendship Studies, runs the risk of potentially allowing our enemies to turn our greatest asset against us.” He continued on with his explanation, such as it was, but I tuned out at this point.

Now, there were several arguments you could make against Twilight’s new school. One, which Bones had pointed out in a rather heated argument with Applejack, was that Twilight and her friends had a lot of responsibilities as it was. Fluttershy had her animal sanctuary, Rainbow had her Wonderbolt career, Rarity her own little fashion empire, Pinkie her job at Sugarcube Corner, Applejack had her farm, and Twilight was a princess. It seemed foolhardy to expect these six mares to somehow live their lives and teach full time without going mad or being dead on their hooves.

Neighsay however, hadn’t gone down that route. He hadn’t presented a rational or logical argument as to why the school shouldn’t get accredited. Instead, I had to sit through the better part of a ten minute speech on the dangers of foreign species. You’d have thought that Tempest, a pony collaborator, had nothing to do with the attack on Canterlot. Celestia too showed strain, even behind her princess mask. One of us was bound to crack at some point. And I cracked first.

As Neighsay paused to give us a moment to respond to his latest moronic statement of blatant racism thinly clothed in a veneer of national security, I decided to make my opinions plain. I mean, let’s be honest, from what we’d just sat through, it was clear he wasn’t going to change his tune. I let myself enjoy the silence for a moment before offering up my rebuttal. I would like to add that he was asking for it.

“Chancellor Neighsay,” I began, using my patient father tone for a moment, before turning to a more lecturing lawyer one. “What you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I’ve ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everypony in this castle is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may this mare have mercy on your soul.” I gestured to Celestia who sat beside me. Neighsay’s eyes were bulging out of their sockets.

I watched with no small amount of amusement as Neighsay became more and more furious at my reply. But it was the politest way I could think of to tell him he was the single most monumental dingleberry I’d ever had the misfortune of meeting in my entire time in Equestria. And in that list I include Blueblood. Celestia meanwhile, no doubt finding the situation amusing, simply remained calm and collected as she waited for her opponent’s response. He could do one of two things, offer a rational counter argument, or what he actually did.

“Do you see, Princess!” he bellowed furiously, jamming a hoof in my general direction. “This stupid ape will not even take my concerns seriously. How can you trust him to advise you on matters that affect the very course of our great nation’s history, when he is blind to what is right in front of him?” Celestia frowned for a moment.

“I would not say he is blind, Neighsay,” Celestia answered. “In fact I’d say that he sees perfectly well. Furthermore, if you use such a derogatory slur against him one more time, I will have you ejected from this court.” Neighsay was aghast.

“You would remove me from the discussion simply because my viewpoint is unpalatable to you? Because it doesn’t fit in your little world of reformation and everlasting harmony?” Celestia now stood. He was treading a very fine line.

“I would remove you,” she replied, flaring out her wings in a show of strength. “Because there is no place in this court for racism or intolerance. My advisors have the right to live and work in a place where they are not insulted and ridiculed merely because they are not a pony.” Neighsay smiled a cruel smile.

“And I have a right to express my opinion; it is my freedom of speech. You can drag me out of here, Princess. But it will not silence me. Nor will it stop me from ensuring that your former student’s insane idea never comes to pass.”

And with that he turned and stalked away from us, past several guards who all looked like they wanted to pile in and kick six bells out of him. They, and indeed I, were only held back by our training and respect for Celestia, who would not approve.

I was shocked. Stunned even. In all my years in this court, nopony, not even Luna, hell, not even Discord, had spoken to Celestia like that. Luckily, Celestia stopped me from doing anything too stupid.

“If you’ll excuse me, Tia,” I said, starting to make my way down the steps of the throne. “I have to go and throw a pony off the edge of the city and watch them fall to the valley below.”

Fortunately, before I could go and attempt to commit premeditated murder, Celestia held me fast in her golden magic.

“I think that might be a little excessive, Roger,” she chided. I resisted for a moment before giving in and letting her float me back to her side. I turned to her as she set me down.

“I don’t care who he is,” I replied. “Nopony gets to talk to you like that and gets away with it. I’ll haul him back in here for contempt of court at the very least. Celestia however, saw a bigger picture.

“Not just yet,” she said calmly. “It wouldn’t achieve anything anyway. “Besides, he is right. He may be a racist and a bigot, but he also has the right to be. And arresting him would only make him a martyr to his cause.”

I sighed as I recalled the relevant legislation. Like America, Equestria has freedom of speech. The same laws that allowed those cross burning, dunce cap wearing morons, to stand in front of the Capitol all day long moaning about a black president, also let Neighsay yammer on about how ponies were the superior race.

In contrast, back in the mother country, while you had freedom of speech and expression, there was a limit. In Britain it is an offence to ‘incite racial hatred’. So, I can say, for example, let’s be original, and say I dislike Moslems or Jews. I can say that. I can have that viewpoint and no one can tell me any different. I can sign up to racist newsletters and websites, give money to racist organisations, be a member of the BNP, and I wouldn’t break any law. But if I went out into the big wide world and started shouting on a street corner how we should deport all Moslems because they’re terrorists, or kill all the Jews because they’re instruments of the Lizard people Zionist conspiracy, then I would commit an offence. I would be in breech of public order laws by causing harassment, alarm or distress to the people I was being a racist jackass towards, and I would be inciting racial hatred.

In other words, you can be a racist as much as you like. But if you start encouraging others to become not only racist, but also put the discriminated group at risk by encouraging people to take illegal action, then you commit an offence. It was a fine line between free speech and protecting others. You had a right to an opinion, and you still had a right to express that opinion. But you don’t get to make someone else’s life hell because of it.

To my mind, it worked. While you had racists and skinheads in Britain, we no longer had to put up with the likes of Oswald Mosley's Union of Fascists, nor did we have groups of nutters camped out in the woods, armed to the teeth looking to start a race war. But to the Americans, that was oppression by big government, and therefore communism, or something like that.

Anyway, the same did not apply in Equestria. Neighsay could, quite legally, close down Twilight’s school due to his own prejudices, destroying all of her hard work and robbing us of a chance to make the world that little bit better.

I think it’s high time I wrote a bit of case law myself.

So, for a change of pace, I found myself actually as the one bringing a petition to Celestia’s Day Court. I proposed an amendment to existing Equestrian racial equality laws, firstly to include other non-pony species (the law was first written up when the country was founded to prevent discrimination between the three tribes) under the act, and also to make it a criminal offence to deliberately provoke hatred of a racial group, distribute racist material in public spaces, make inflammatory public speeches, publish racist literature, and to incite inflammatory rumours about a particular racial group for the purposes of spreading racial discontent.

Now, quite a few of the nobility dubbed this the beginning of the Thought Police. I countered with one simple argument. Don’t all creatures have a right to live in a world where they aren’t mocked, ridiculed, insulted, harassed or threatened, purely because of their race, colour, or creed? You can keep your freedom of speech, but exercising that freedom should not impact on the rights of others.

And of course, the threshold for committing these offences was quite high. You could quite happily complain to your neighbour over the fence about how the Yaks were coming over here, taking our job and our women until the cows came home. That was on private property, and no business of the crown. But if you went around to some unfortunate Yak’s house banged on his door, told him to go back where he came from and threw acid at him (all of which happened to a good friend of mine from Pakistan), then we would be hauling you in. As I said, my proposed amendment trod the fine line between protecting freedom of speech and avoiding seeing this legislation used to protect each and every little special snowflake, while at the same time, standing up to ponies like Neighsay.

Now, in Britain, it took a long time to get this sort of thing passed through Parliament, and it still isn’t always properly enforced in some parts of the country. In Equestria though, thanks to having an absolutist diarchy, it only took about a week or so. The new legislation was added into the existing Criminal Justice and Public Order Act and it became an offence to incite public hatred on the basis of race or species.

Of course, while we’d been busy putting a long overdue amendment into Equestrian law, Neighsay had been hard at work too, making life absolutely hell for Twilight and the others.

The school had opened with quite a sizeable student body, including several students from overseas, from Yakyakistan, the Changeling Kingdom, the Dragon Lands, the Griffon Kingdom, and even the newly restored Hippogriffs. And after a couple of weeks, absolutely nothing had happened. No deaths, injuries, fire, brimstone, or end of days. It was just like any other school. And that flew in the face of Neighsay’s concerns.

In fact, the school was, despite his objections, well on its way to getting signed off on by the EEA, as it met all their required criteria. However, by following that, the actual experience and quality of teaching had fallen off a bit, resulting in more than a few students bunking off.

The short version is that it all came to a head when Neighsay came to inspect the school. Through some minor misunderstanding involving some of the exchange students, Neighsay managed to get the school shut down, using it as a rallying cry for his xenophobic world view. Twilight was heartbroken, poor thing. While my wife, who was there to witness the whole incident, got in quite a shouting match with Neighsay, at one point, calling him a twat.

So, one step forward, two steps back.

There was an upside though. First of all the situation got resolved fairly quickly. Twilight, had she not become a princess, would have made a fine lawyer. In a brilliant move, she chose to open her school without EEA recognition; all perfectly legal and above board. The students promptly returned, and there wasn’t a damn thing Neighsay could do about it.

Even better, although I’m not sure that’s exactly the right word, Neighsay shot himself in the hoof by running his mouth in front of several foreign dignitaries. I’m no diplomat, but spouting xenophobic, racist nonsense, in front of those you’re discriminating against isn’t a good idea. Particularly when those individuals have armies to call upon.

Needless to say, his actions caused a pretty serious diplomatic incident. It took a lot of work on Celestia’s part to smooth things over. And Twilight and her friends were able to convince the other nations to send their exchange students back to the newly reopened school.

Now, the Equestrian Education Association may be a private body, and not typically subject to oversight from the Equestrian government, nor did we have any say in the way they operated, hence why Celestia couldn’t just make Neighsay pass Twilight’s school as fit and proper. However, yours truly had recently passed some new legislation that did cover public spaces, such as the grounds outside of a school, that made Neighsay’s actions a criminal offence. And that was discounting the political maelstrom he’d cooked up for us to deal with.

Celestia was quick to again request, or rather, require, his attendance in her court.

I wasn’t present for Neighsay’s second meeting with Celestia, nopony was but Neighsay and Celestia herself. The court was closed and nopony was let in or out for a little over forty minutes. When Neighsay finally emerged, I asked Buttercup to bring him to my office. He looked pretty shook up, but still had a glint of defiance in him. Still, it was clear that Celestia had told him, in no uncertain terms, precisely what she thought of him.

Buttercup let him into my office, closing the door behind him as he went. I gestured to the seat opposite, and Neighsay, after a moment’s pause, sat down and glared at me, as he had the last time we met.

“Well,” I said. “I believe the Princess has already made her feelings on recent events clear, so I shan’t waste time repeating myself.” If ponies could, I’m fairly certain Neighsay would have snarled at me.

“What do you want?” he asked coldly.

Now, just to be clear, yes I despise Neighsay. He was arrogant and closed minded. But at the same time, I did need to work with him. The EEA was a big part of that great machine we call the Realm of Equestria. I couldn’t just start some silly feud with him over this incident. I needed to take the high ground. After all, I’m a solicitor; my job is to make a deal.

“Simple,” I replied with my best attempt at sincerity. “I want to help resolve this whole unpleasant affair in a way that suits both of us. Regardless of what you may think about non-ponies, Chancellor, you are in great deal of trouble.” Neighsay snarled.

“I’ve done nothing wrong!” he snapped back irritably. “I closed down that mess of a school and sent those dangerous creatures packing, saving several ponies, including Princess Twilight.”

“You also caused a serious diplomatic incident,” I countered gravely. “In fact you almost pushed us into political isolation, and even a world war. Over a school I might add.”

“That school represents everything that is wrong with Equestria,” Neighsay argued. “We need to protect ourselves from threats beyond our borders.”

This was going nowhere, so I tried a different tack.

“True,” I replied, catching Neighsay off guard. “We do need to protect ourselves. From our enemies, not our allies. And Chancellor, I think you forget who was leading those creatures when they attacked Canterlot; one of our kind.

“Do you think I, or Celestia, are ignorant of your point of view? But what you propose; total isolation, is what got us in trouble in the first place. Do you think I would have sat idly by if I had known there were two nations south of our borders that we had heard nothing from for several years? That ignorance is what saw this city overrun.”

“Really, I thought it was those savage Storm creatures,” Neighsay replied.

“Is Princess Twilight teaching any Storm creatures?” I offered. “No. She is teaching Griffons, who have been our allies for generations. She is teaching Yaks and Changelings, both of whom we have concluded treaties of peace with. And she is teaching dragons, who thanks to the efforts of young Spike, are now slowly opening up to the idea of a mutual alliance and have not crossed our borders for several years. That is why I take exception to your viewpoint, Chancellor. It is not logical. Your actions would cause the very thing you wish to avoid.

“But you see, I don’t think you really give a damn about Equestria. I think your actions at Twilight’s school were because of something far simpler.”

“Oh? And what is that?” Neighsay asked.

“You are a racist,” I replied simply, with a hint of sadness. “Behind all your concern about protecting Equestria, there’s an undercurrent of pony superiority. You see other species as savage, uncivilised, lesser.”

Now, I was expecting many possible reactions. Most racists, when you point out their racism, will outright deny it. That’s what makes it so hard to tackle. Even the most horrid EDL type will say he’s protecting his family or other such nonsense. I know, because I did the exact same thing towards Catholics when I ran with the volunteers. I only hated them because they were violent, deceptive traitors and the lot of them deserved to die. That wasn’t racism, right? Neighsay however, made no such denials.

“Well, our princesses do move the sun and the moon, we control the weather across most of the planet, and our magic allows us to protect ourselves from any foe. I do not blame those other species for being the way they are. It’s not their fault that you are all lesser than us.”

Wow. That’s all I can say about that, I think. It certainly hammered home just how little Neighsay thought of me. Were it not racist in and of itself, I’d say that Neighsay fits the arrogant unicorn stereotype to a T.

It was painfully clear that he wasn’t going to change his tune. Celestia had told me as much before she summoned him back to the castle. She’d told me that she wasn’t going to try and get him to change, only give him the telling off of a lifetime and threaten him with dire consequences if he tried anything like that again.

I hated cases like this; ones where you couldn’t really bring the matter to a successful close. Sure, I could do what I was going to do now, but I couldn’t really stop Neighsay from being a jackass, nor could I have him removed from his position in the EEA. He had no business being an educator. He talked about how other species were poisoning the minds of impressionable young foals. I wonder how many kids had grown up with his repugnant rhetoric ringing in their ears. I mean, even if I threw him in jail, this problem of racist bellends existing would still persist. The only thing I could hope for was, as time passed and ponies moved on from the attack on Canterlot, the hysteria would subside.

Then again, look at the Americans; almost twenty years after the fact and flying to their country is still like visiting the old Soviet Union.

But still, it was time to deal with Neighsay as best I could. He needed at least a slap on the wrist for the trouble he’d caused, and I needed to send a strong message to others like him.

“I see,” I said with frown, doing my best to not show how that last remark got to me. Leaning back in my chair, I laid out my plan to him.

“Here is what’s going to happen to you, Chancellor,” I said with a very faint smile. “I am going to let you walk out of here in a moment. You will go back to your office and continue in your role as head of the EEA. You will not however, go anywhere near Twilight Sparkle’s school or any of its students or faculty. In exchange, I will not be prosecuting you for inciting racial hatred. Regardless of what you may think about other creatures and the notion of free speech, your actions there, which caused Their Majesties’ Government no small amount of embarrassment, were quite in contravention to the law.”

“Surely you can’t be serious!” Neighsay exclaimed in alarm.

“I’m deadly serious, Chancellor,” I replied. “And don’t call me Shirley.”

“But I have rights; freedom of speech. This is unlawful censorship!” I held up my hand, which actually got him to shut his gob.

“Your rights end when you infringe the rights of others,” I retorted sharply, getting to my feet and using that old trick of LBJ’s to intimidate him with my height. “Now, do we have a deal, or do I need to have the guards come in here and slap hoofcuffs on you?”

Neighsay thought for a moment, but we both knew I’d got him between a rock and a hard place. Sneering at me, he too got to his hooves.”

“Fine,” he spat angrily. “You have a deal. But mark my words, human; that school will cause nothing but trouble.”

And with that, he stalked out of my office, shoving his way past Buttercup on his way out. I heard the young guardspony let out an angry cry as the Chancellor pushed past him. A moment later, he trotted through the open door into my office.

“How’d it go?” he asked curiously.

“Eh, about as well as we could hope for,” I replied. “He’s going to be trouble down the line though. I’ve only driven him off for now. I just can’t believe that there are people like him here in Equestria. I’d hoped I’d left nonsense like that back on Earth.” Buttercup nodded.

“If it makes you feel any better,” he replied. “There’s plenty of ponies who agree that he’s a jackass. Hay, there’s two exchange officers from the Crystal Guard who wanted to kick his flank for what he said about Spike. You know how the Crystal Ponies see him.”

“Well, hopefully, with time, the whole fear of the big bad world will fade; particularly seeing as how there aren’t any other hostile powers to worry about. It pisses me off how some ponies just turn on old friends because of their race.”

“Well, you know what they say,” Buttercup offered. “A pony is smart. Ponies are dumb, panicky, dangerous creatures and you know it.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” I agreed. “Well, at least he’s a vocal minority. And he’s only being rude instead of taking any real action. I remember a mate of mine, he had to have the fire brigade come and fit a special fireproof bag on his letterbox after somebody poured petrol through it.” Buttercup let out a low whistle at that.

That night, my concerns about clashing with Neighsay and his ilk in the future were still playing on my mind. Like I said before, at best, I’d forced him into a stalemate, and that left me feeling unsatisfied. If nothing else, I still couldn’t get over how rude he’d been to Celestia. I mean, Tia and I might have had our disagreements, particularly over Starlight, but once she’s made her decision, I’ve respected it always. And let’s be honest, more often than not, she’s been right in the end.

My concerns were evidently clear to my wife, who asked me what was bothering me as we both climbed into bed for the night.

“You’ve been really pensive all evening,” she commented as she pulled the covers up. “Something on your mind?” I nodded.

“Oh, just trying to deal with that stubborn fool Neighsay,” I replied, rubbing my eyes to ward off sleep. “He’s going to be trouble down the line.”

“He’s trouble enough as it is,” Margaret replied. “I warned Twilight about him when she first came up with the idea. I had enough trouble from the EEA when I first started teaching. They sent three inspectors; two of them were alright, but one was just like Neighsay; wanted to boot me because I wasn’t a pony. It was only the majority verdict that got me through.”

“I mean, I get that the EEA runs education for the most part, but the way he talked to Twilight, to Celestia, even I wouldn’t have the guts to speak to her like that. And that’s ignoring the political mess he caused.”

“He actually threatened to get me fired too when I called him out on his behaviour.” That got my attention.

“He what?!” I exclaimed. Margaret waved off my concern.

“Don’t worry, Bones got him to calm down. Besides, it’s not like he can. Cheerilee and me both have tenure; the whole board of governors would have to agree to get rid of either of us. Neighsay’s mostly full of hot air if you ask me.”

“Still,” I said taking of my glasses and lying down in the bed. “I don’t like the idea of just letting him be. Celestia knows he’s planning something. Dammit, I hate politics.”

“He can plot all he wants,” Margaret replied. “He still can’t do anything. Twilight’s school is off his patch. He tries anything Celestia and will step in, and Twilight can stand up for herself when she has to. He’ll just skulk back to his little corner now he’s thrown his toys out of his pram. Give it a month and nopony will even remember that he did anything.”

I hoped she was right. Since the school had gone independent it had come on in leaps and bounds. The classes were back at full attendance and the kids were enjoying learning about the magic of friendship. Plus it was a huge propaganda coup for Equestria, and it was even helping Celestia’s idea for an Equestrian counterpart to the United Nations gain traction.

For now, Margaret was right; there was little to be done about Neighsay. I’d just have to keep my ear to the ground and watch for any tricks he might pull. I’d find myself running into him again in the not too distant future and at the same time uncovering the first hints of a conspiracy from a very unlikely source.

Chapter 18 - Dewdrop

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After my little spat with Neighsay, things more or less quietened down. Twilight’s school took off and most ponies paid it no mind. There were no protests, no haranguing in the local press, and no weirdos sending me letters covered in anthrax. Neighsay’s threat about there being so many other ponies like him seemed to be a whole lot of hot air. In fact, the success turned into a big propaganda coup for Celestia and Twilight and quite the slap in the face of the EEA. In particular, a lot of schools had discovered that, by stopping following their guidelines, lessons became more engaging, attendance and results went up ,as did student satisfaction. The association itself made no comment, but it was clear that Equestria’s answer to the Freemasons had been made to look very stupid.

However, that wasn’t quite the end of it. My best friend decided t stick his nose in too. Now, a lot of ponies have asked me why I’m friends with Discord. I mean, let’s face it, he mooches off of me, occasionally crashes on my couch, and at times can be deeply irritating. And that’s if you ignore the borderline sociopathic plans he sometimes comes up with to ‘help’ ponies, such as that whole incident where Big Mac through his girlfriend was breaking up with him. In short, he’s not exactly what you’d call a good friend, or so it would seem. Discord may drive me nuts at times. However, I do know that he has his limits, and when the chips are down, he’ll back me up.

Take for example his jokes. He might poke fun at me, but he’s never uttered a peep about my days in the volunteers, nor has he told a single soul about it. Think of the chaos that he’d cause if he did. And while he may use his chaos magic to annoy me from time to time, he never does anything too serious, and always subtly undoes it when he leaves. And for every beer he pinches from my fridge, a couple of his own brand turn up to replace them not long after.

But above all else, if you cross me, he will turn on you like that, and he doesn’t hold back either. The only other time I’ve seen him like that is with Fluttershy. In addition to charging into the heart of the Changeling Kingdom to rescue her, he also spent a good while trying to track down Chrysalis, to the point where that Tree of Harmony thing apparently intervened to get him to stop.

Well, it turned out he didn’t much care for Neighsay insulting me or Celestia either. A week or so after I got Neighsay to back down, I came across a rather interesting article in the local rag. While I’d said nothing about Neighsay’s meeting with Celestia, plenty of other publication had run stories about the success of Twilight’s school and the supposed dead hand of the EEA, in particular, blasting Neighsay. In response, the EEA had held a press conference, during which, Neighsay found himself wearing a dunce cap, which came alive and loudly espoused on how he was a racist and xenophobe. The reporters ate it up.

It was fairly obvious who had done it. I can’t think of anyone else who could use their magic like that and get away with it. While it might not have been the best course of action, this was Discord’s way of showing he cared about me.

Setting down the paper, I looked across my desk see Discord, grinning at me like a Cheshire cat, pleased with his handiwork.

“Admit it,” he said. “You’d have loved to have been there.” I smiled back.

“True,” I replied. I gestured to the paper. “What happened afterwards?”

“I think you’d say he legged it,” Discord replied. I couldn’t help but chuckle at the mental image.

“Serious though, did you have to rile him up like that?”

“My dear boy, he insulted you. Nopony gets to insult my best friend but me! And he upset Fluttershy, so he should consider himself lucky that he’s still breathing.”

That last part carried a little more menace that I was comfortable with. But as I’ve said before, at least he’s moving in the right direction reformation wise.

It was nice to see him again too. Work had kept me more than a little busy of late, forcing me to bow out of the most recent Guys’ Night. Now that things had quietened down however, with Neighsay seen off and no major cases on the books for the time being, Celestia had given me a little bit of time off to make up for the extra hours I’d put in. After all, at one point, I did consider asking one of the maids to bring in a cot for the office, since I figured I was going to be here all night.

The time off gave me some time to catch up not only with my best friend, but my kids as well. In particular, I was rather hopeful to spend some time with Lizzie. Since my daughter moved in with her boyfriend, I hadn’t seen her as much. I suppose between my job at the castle and her job in the Weather Patrol, we didn’t really cross paths too often, unless I happened to spot her flying around Ponyville. Bones on the other hand, I could usually find in town on market day, helping Applejack or Big Mac run the stall, and Margaret would frequently ask me to grab a few things in Canterlot’s high end Waitrose type shops, and then grab a few things from town on my way home.

More to the point though, I hadn’t really gotten to know this Dewdrop character much. He was the newest pony on the patrol, a transplant from Las Pegasus. Lizzie had taken him under her wing during tornado duty a couple of years ago. The pegasi all work together to create a big tornado to suck water out of the local lakes and reservoirs and push it up to Cloudsdale to make rain clouds. I wish I could say that was the maddest thing to say about how Equestria’s weather works.

Anyway, they’d apparently gotten close during training, and after a close call with the tornado, Dewdrop took the plunge and asked her out, in front of me, the wife and Bones I might add. Since then, they’d grown closer, to the point where Lizzie had moved out of Fluttershy’s cottage and gone to live with him. They’d been getting along like a house on fire, and the memsahib and Rarity were already listening for the sound of wedding bells.

Now, just to be clear, while Bones might your stereotypical violently protective older brother, I was not so inclined. Don’t get me wrong, if somepony messed my little girl around I would quite happily rip his arms and legs off in a paternal rage, but unless he actually did something to provoke concern, I took no issue with who my daughter liked or went out with; that was her business. And Dewdrop did seem good for her. Okay, he was a little shy, but the two really seemed to get along. It actually reminded me of how me and Margaret met. After I moved to the mainland and got a job working at the Co-op as a van driver, a mate of mine dragged me to one of those mixers. Remember, this was before that Tinder thing existed. You wanted to meet someone, you had to actually meet them.

I was almost painfully shy around her. Later on, she told me that, at first, she thought I wasn’t even interested in her. Eventually though, I managed to open up and start talking. The only real obstacle was her mother, who was convinced her daughter could do better and I was looking to marry her for her money. That’s actually one of the big reasons both of us took a more passive role in our children's lives when it cam to relationships. Even if they did pick the wrong proverbial horse, there wasn’t much we could do to stop them.

Still, while I wasn’t about to employ a power of veto, I figured it would be nice to meet and get to know my potential son-in-law, and if nothing else spend some quality time with my daughter. So I suggested to Margaret when I got home that evening, that we might consider inviting the pair over for dinner.

“Sure, I don’t see why not,” she agreed as she worked on the ironing, a nearby phonograph playing some pop album Pinkie lent her.

“I figured,” I said, pausing as she started again with the iron, causing the contraption to let out a loud hiss of steam. “Since I’ve got Wednesday night off, we could have the two of them round for dinner.” Margaret nodded.

“I can do some of the quorn spaghetti bolognaise Lizzie likes,” she suggested. “Just promise me you won’t go intimidating the poor lad. Bones is bad enough.”

“Hey, I’ve always let our girl make her own decisions,” I replied defensively, holding up both hands.

“You never took to that Tom lad she brought back,” she countered. I rolled my eyes.

That was Lizzie’s first boyfriend, and he was a complete and utter tool. I think she felt sorry for him more than anything else; he was like a lost pup. But while Dewdrop’s slight shyness was endearing, he could still stand up for himself. Tom in contrast had been such a doormat to the point where Lizzie clearly wore the trousers. That, and his family was odd as hell; none of his family, not even his dad got his mum anything for her birthday, and they saw it as normal. Luckily, Lizzie saw the red flags without any encouragement from us and dumped his ass not too long before we ended up in Equestria.

“Hey, you can’t criticise me on that front. Me and Bones were right after all,” I argued.

“You both spent the whole evening glaring at him. I was surprised you didn’t just start growling like a couple of territorial dogs.” I tried to reassure her that this was a whole different kettle of fish.

“Dewdrop seems like a nice enough lad,” I said. “I just want to get to know him better and catch up with my little girl, that’s all.” Margaret thought for a moment.

“Well, alright then,” she said after a moment. “I’ll stop by their house tomorrow and see if they’re up for it.”

Lizzie and Dewdrop happily agreed. Like us, she missed the opportunity to just chat and catch up. Her job in the Weather Patrol after all isn’t exactly your usual nine to five gig. And she was rather keen to properly introduce us to Dewdrop. We’d met before of course, in fact I was there when, in what I can only assume was an adrenaline fuelled fervour, he’d first asked Lizzie out. I’ll give him credit, he’s certainly got stones. We all agreed to get together at our house for dinner the following evening, since I had the next day off, we could afford to stay up into the wee hours.

And so, that evening, Margaret was busy in the kitchen, and I was in the dining room setting everything out. While this was no formal dinner or anything, it was an excuse to use the good china. The last time we’d had the chance had been a couple of years ago when we threw a little bit of a house party. Margaret invited a few friends, as did I, including Celestia, albeit incognito, for some drinks, dinner and just a bit of fun. I was hopeful that tonight would be something similar.

At around seven, the doorbell went and I heard Lizzie rapping on the door with her signature knock. Margaret was just putting the finishing touches on the dinner and had broken out a bottle of Prench Calvados too. I meanwhile had just set the phonograph going with a nice little piano interlude.

“I’ll get it!” I called back to the kitchen as I walked through the living room and into the hall. Opening the deadbolt on the front door, I found Lizzie and Dewdrop on the doorstep.

“Hey there, you two,” I said with a smile, before stepping to one side. “Come on in, come on in. Margaret’s just putting the finishing touches on the dinner.” The two pegasi trotted inside. It was a little cool this evening now that we were getting into autumn. Luckily, the heating had been on for an hour or so, and combined with the heat from the kitchen, the house was pleasantly warm.

“Thanks, Dad,” Lizzie said, before getting up on her hind legs to properly hug me, using both her forelegs and her wings. Dewdrop kept a respectful distance.

“Yeah, thanks for inviting us, Mr. Owen,” he said with just a touch of meekness.

“Oh, pish posh, Dewdrop,” I said with a grin. “You’re dating my daughter, the least you can do is call me Roger.” I then decided to be a little cheeky. “Who knows, you may be calling me Dad before too long.”

Lizzie went absolutely beet red at that.

“Dad!” she exclaimed as she let herself down onto all fours again. I grinned at her.

“What? I’m just going by what I hear through the grapevine,” I replied. Ah, good old Rarity, Equestria’s best answer to the old matchmaker.

Luckily, before I could embarrass my daughter any further, or cause notions of marriage to crop up in Dewdrop’s mind, resulting in a brief thousand yard stare, Margaret came in.

“Roger!” she chided. “You promised you weren’t going to tease him.”

“I promised not to tease Dewdrop. You said nothing about Lizzie.” Margaret shook her head at my antics.

“See, Lizzie, this is why you shouldn’t marry a solicitor.”

“I’m happy enough with Dewdrop,” Lizzie replied, now moving to get her own back. “At least he’s actually emerged from puberty, unlike some people.” She cast a mock glare in my direction.

“Growing old is mandatory,” I replied. “Growing up, in contrast, is completely optional.”

“I swear,” Margaret said, now walking back into the living room. “He’s gotten worse since he became friends with Discord.” We all now followed her into the next room.

“My dad was just the same,” Dewdrop added. “He told me that you reach a certain age, you stop caring what anypony else thinks of you.”

“A wise stallion,” I agreed.

Margaret led us through the living room and into the dining room. We’d extended out the table for our guests to make it all a little nicer, with some nice place mats and a few candles to give the room a nice atmosphere. I’d set the table out, and she’d just brought out the dinner. In an effort to impress, she was going for that sort of buffet style of dinner, with several plates and bowls piled high with food for the taking. We all took our seats together. The only slight annoyance was that Lizzie and Dewdrop would have to use human chairs to reach the table top. The only other option when we’d bought the house was to do things Japanese style, and we didn’t really have enough guests. More to the point, my back can’t take it.

We all took our seat, with me sitting opposite Lizzie and Dewdrop sitting opposite Margaret. It just a touch adorable watching the four foot tall ponies haul themselves up into the chairs. It reminded me a bit of our dogs jumping up to look for food. Still, they managed to make themselves comfortable, even if it was a little odd for them to be effectively sitting on bar stools for dinner.

Striking a match, I lit the candles in the centre of the table, giving the whole room a soft glow. Margaret meanwhile, took Lizzie’s plate and spooned a good portion onto it, before doing the same with mine and Dewdrop’s. The pasta might have been store bought, but the bolognaise was all home made, using quorn mince instead of the usual beef. We’ve found that ponies have no problem with quorn, despite how similar it is to meat. They also don’t seem to mind fish, particularly pegasi. But the only pony I know who can stand even the smell of meat without gagging is Fluttershy, who actually uses and prepares meat to feed to some of her carnivorous animal friends.

All that Lizzie will say on that front is to, at all times, stay out of Fluttershy’s shed. She apparently went in there once and got scared stiff by the deer carcasses.

Anyway, with dinner served, we all tucked in, idly chatting about this and that. Like I said, I was keen to catch up on what had been happening in my daughter’s life.

“So how’s things been at work?” I asked the two of them.

“Not too bad,” Lizzie replied. “Dash has been away a fair bit because of Bolt stuff and the odd friendship quest. Flight and I have been splitting her job while she’s away. We’ve kind of got a system that works now, more or less.”

Flight was Thunderlane, the patrol’s flight sergeant and second in command. A bit of a hothead like Dash, I’d run into him a few times here and there. He was a nice enough guy.

“And how are Flitter and Cloudchaser?” Margaret asked.

“Oh, they’re doing pretty good,” Dewdrop replied. “I think Flitter’s just glad she’s no longer the new pony in the team. Actually, Dash was saying that we might be getting a few more ponies to help out. The Everfree Forest has been causing some real problems lately.”

“Who knows, maybe that’ll mean a few promotions before too long,” I suggested. Lizzie nodded.

“Dash said I might be able to get my senior patrol stripes this fall,” she said. “Then Dewdrop will have to call me ma’am.”

That got Dewdrop to blush a little, and caused my wife to let out her famous, deeply unsettling mad cackle of laughter.

I honestly cannot describe how unsettling it is. In a desperate bid to divert the conversation and move on from the harrowing noise of my wife’s laughter, I turned to Dewdrop.

“How about you, Dewdrop?” I asked, trying to hide both my embarrassment and desperation. “How life in the Weather Patrol been for you?”

“It’s definitely been a tough year,” he admitted. “But Lizzie has really helped me build my confidence up and improved my flying. I’ve certainly come a long way from the nervous pony who could barely fly straight when we first met.”

That was true. Dewdrop first met Lizzie during Tornado week, when all the pegasi in town help out to create a tornado to push water up to Cloudsdale. Lizzie had flown with him through the tornado, with him actually saving her hide at one point. Since then, he’d joined up in the patrol and become quite experienced when it came to weather work. Now though, Lizzie decided to tease him a bit.

“As I remember it,” she said. “Our first day practising formation flying, you accidentally crashed into me from behind. You should have seen his face, he was blushing so much and just stammering out apologies.” Lizzie did her best to avoid laughing at her boyfriend.

“Ah, don’t let her tease you, Dewdrop,” I replied. “If she ever pushes you too far, you can always ask her about the Disneyland Incident.” Now it was Lizzie’s turn to go beet red.

“No, no, no, we don’t need to revisit that again!” she blurted out.

“I recall a certain little girl,” I went on, enjoying teasing her a bit. “Absolutely petrified by the Mickey Mouse mascot character. You hid behind Mum all day long.” I really need to check to see if we have any photos of that, it was so adorable.

We all ended up having a laugh in the end. Everyone has embarrassing stories about themselves, and it makes for a good way to break the ice. Before too long though, the conversation turned the other way, with Lizzie catching up on what had been happening with me and Margaret.

“Well things at school have been a lot more quieter,” she was saying. “With Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon becoming friends with the Crusaders, there’s far less real bullying going on, apart from the odd bit of, if you’ll excuse the pun, horseplay. And the Crusaders themselves have really been branching out. Did you hear about their camp that they’ve set up to help foals find their cutie marks? Their little business of cutie mark consulting has done so well that they can actually open a camp for it. And apart from a bit of unpleasantness with Rumble, it’s been really successful. It really does amaze me how much those three fillies have done in their short little lives.”

“I heard from Thunderlane about Rumble,” Lizzie said with a nod, polishing off her dinner. “He said his little brother was having a bit of a hard time with his cutie mark. Said he started up this little group that rejected the whole idea. Kinda reminded me of Starlight back before she became Twilight’s student.”

“Yeah, I was a bit worried for a while,” Margaret agreed with a nod. “But he’s come around now.”

“As has Starlight,” I added. “I remember not so long ago, I was lobbying to have her thrown in jail or the nut house, or both. She’s certainly come a long way these past couple years. I still can’t believe Twilight made her the counsellor at her school though. She’s not exactly the most stable of ponies, and with her past, it’s like putting a shark in charge of a swimming pool. Still, the place seems to be doing well enough though.”

“Has much happened up in Canterlot?” Dewdrop enquired. “It must be exciting to work so closely with Princess Celestia herself.”

You know, sometimes I forget just how important Tia is. I’ve gotten so used to treating her as a friend rather than a princess, that I forget that she’s the ruler of the whole blooming realm, never mind the fact that, compared to me, she’s all but a goddess in terms of magical power. Most ponies are lucky if they see her in person once in their whole lives. Meanwhile, I see her every day, have lunch with her most days, and even play board games with her and her little sister. Don’t get me wrong, she prefers it that way, but it does mean it can be quite jarring when ponies remind me of just how lucky I am to be in my current lofty position.

“Oh it certainly is,” I replied. “And an honour too. I certainly never thought when our paths first crossed that I’d end up working for her, never mind being one of her closest confidants outside of Princess Luna. As for what’s been going on...well, aside from the whole business with the school and the EEA, I suppose there’s been a couple interesting matters she’s consulted me on in court.”

So I spun a few yarns. All were matters of public record, naturally. I wasn’t about to go nattering on about ongoing cases or petitions that I was advising the princess on. Day Court deals with plenty of weird and wonderful petitioners every day. To be honest, sometimes I’m amazed Celestia has kept her cool all these years and not turned into that Daybreaker persona from Starlight’s nightmare. I told them about the crazy stallion who was convinced a nearby wind farm was beaming sonic rays into his house, and consequently wanted them all taken down and banned forever. Then there was the a couple of interesting trademark and intellectual property cases, and of course, my best anecdote for guaranteed laughs.

“So, everypony was absolutely dreading what would happen if we let Blueblood out amongst the crowd in the convention,” I was saying. “But there was no way we could let him not attend, what with him being the representative for Canterlot and all. So we had to find a way to stop him from being his usual self. It took a lot of work, but we eventually managed to get him to stick to just two phrases for the entire evening.”

“Which were?” Margaret asked, already struggling to hold in her laughter, since she knew the ending.

“’Yes’ and ‘That would be a constitutional matter’. That’s what I always say when I have no idea what somepony in court is on about.”

“Did it work?” Lizzie asked in bewilderment.

“Amazingly, yes,” I replied with a nod. “I had to chaperone him of course, but with a bit of help, he got through it. It was just so damn funny though. You’d have thought somepony would have figured out what was going on with him only saying two things.”

“I guess that’s politicians for you though,” Dewdrop replied. “I’m pretty sure they all have a series of pre-set responses.”

“A bit like psychologists then,” Margaret added. “I still think every year they all get together and collaborate on what psychobabble they’re all going to use this year.”

As dinner wore on, we moved onto the desert. Margaret had broken out her famous home made treacle sponge and custard, with a bit of strawberry jam and cream on the side. Well, I say jam, Dewdrop was insistent that it was jelly. I pointed out that even that weird pony who is quite simply obsessed with the stuff, calls my wife’s home made stuff jam. No idea why, he just does. I’m just glad he keeps his distance.

One of these days I wager he’ll end up in Day Court, and the first episode of Criminal Minds: Equestria will air shortly afterwards.

But anyway, we all chatted amicably as we enjoyed the desert. Before too long though, it was time to start winding the evening down. It was getting on for quarter to eleven. I might have had the next day off, as did Margaret, but Lizzie and Dewdrop had the dawn patrol tomorrow, and we were scheduled to have some early autumn rain storms blow in from the north. We’d had our fill of the summer, and it was time to slowly start preparing the ground for winter. I was actually considering, talking of autumn, of taking part in the Running of the Leaves this year. While I can’t keep up with a pony’s gallop, I can still set a fair pace, and Margaret has been pushing me to keep myself in shape. All those nice lunches in Canterlot have seen me put on a few pounds.

But anyway, the evening had gone pretty well. I’d done as I’d been asked and been nice to Dewdrop. He did certainly seem like a nice enough lad, and Lizzie was clearly fond of him, and he of her. I certainly didn’t see any of the red flags I’d seen with her last beau. And while I’ve already freely admitted that I have no say in who my daughter chooses to spend her life with, I would be more than happy to walk her down the aisle and ‘give her away’, if you’ll excuse the outdated social custom, to Dewdrop.

Still, before the evening was over, I wanted a chance to talk with him man to stallion. Not to threaten him or leave him with some ominous warning about what would happen if he broke Lizzie’s heart. I think Bones has already made that abundantly clear, just as Big Mac had done for him when he started going out with Applejack. In contrast, I just wanted to have a chat with him. So while Lizzie and Margaret were doing the washing up and bonding, the two of us headed outside into the cool night air.

It was a clear night tonight. The full moon gave us more than enough light to see by. You could probably turn off all the lamps in town and have no trouble finding your way. A slight night breeze was blowing, but it was still perfectly comfortable. I had no doubt that, right about now, Bones would be outside too, stargazing, maybe with Apple Bloom or Applejack.

Dewdrop had followed me outside when I asked. He’d been a touch nervous at the request, but had followed easily enough when he saw my relaxed body language and reassuring smile. Like I said, Bones had covered that ground, and from what I’d seen tonight, I had nothing to worry about. Like I said before, it wasn’t really any of my business.

Walking along the little garden path, I opened the small wooden gate and stepped out into the empty street. Dewdrop followed and stood next to me.

“Beautiful night out, isn’t it,” I commented. Dewdrop nodded.

“Sure,” he replied. “Certainly nice to be able to see the stars out here. I grew up with nothing but light pollution back in Las Pegasus.” A let a little silence prevail for a few moments.

“Just so you know,” I said in a quiet voice. “This isn’t me threatening you about what’ll happen if you lay a hoof on my daughter. I think Bones has made my view on the matter clear enough to not warrant a repeat. And I’d not about to go down that road of the overprotective father.”

“So what did you want?” Dewdrop asked, more than a little curious.

“I just wanted to talk, man to stallion. That’s all,” I replied. Again, I paused for a minute, taking a breath.

“Dewdrop,” I said, looking up at the full moon that hung high in the sky. “What I’m about to tell you is for your ears only. I ask that you not repeat this to anypony, no matter what.”

“Okay,” Dewdrop said with a nod.

“Pinkie Promise for me.” I’m a lawyer, so if I can’t get it in writing, I make so that, if the contract’s broken, a very angry Pinkie chases you down and makes you apologise. Dewdrop did as he was asked, doing the motions along with it. After he did so, I waited one moment longer before speaking my piece.

“Once, a long time ago, I was a soldier,” I said in a sad tone. “There was a war. And in that war, I did terrible things. I’m responsible for the deaths of twelve men. I’ve set bombs that have killed a little over fifty. And I’ve destroyed homes and livelihoods over a period of almost ten years. I have no doubt, that when I die, I will go to Hell, and I deserve it.

“Now, obviously, I got out of that life. I changed, I reformed. Call it what you will. But what matters is that you know what I once was. But more importantly, you need to know, is what happened after I met my wife and raised my two children.” I felt my eyes staring to well up a bit, and did my best to blink back the tears.

“The two of them, Lizzie in particular, made me a better man. My family gave me a reason to change, to move on, to forgive myself for what I had, and strive to be better because of it. I spent all her life looking after Lizzie. I cared for her, protected her, taught her right from wrong. And now, I’ve done all that I can. It’s time for her to set out on her own.”

I turned and look down at Dewdrop. The stallion was rooted to the spot in surprise at what I’d just imparted to him.

“Just promise me you’ll look after her, Dewdrop. That’s all I ask.”

He stared up at me a moment longer, obviously not expecting even half of what he’d just heard. He now knew something about me that neither Margaret, or either of the kids, knew. He didn’t say anything. I didn’t expect him to. I turned back to look up at the starry sky.

“You know,” I said. “There’s something my grandfather said to me when I was little. The four truths of life he called it. He told me people were basically good. That honour and virtue meant everything, and money and power, meant nothing. Ho told me that good would always triumph over evil. And that true love...true love never dies.

“Now, I may not be Princess Cadence. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen any two ponies more in love than you two. While you should know you’d never need it, you have my blessing.”

Dewdrop smiled at that.

A moment later, the two of us were caught off guard by the sound of excited barking as Charlie bounded down the garden path to join us. He and I have always been close. He’d probably my best guy friend after Discord. He’d been quiet most of the evening, keeping his distance from Dewdrop. Although I have no doubt that not so long ago, he’d have been stuffing himself with all the love radiating off of him.

As he drew up to us, he inserted himself between the pair of us, looking up at the two of us, and with his tongue lolling out of his mouth. Smiling, I made a fuss of him.

Now, I’ve always been a firm believer in the idea that dogs are an excellent judge of character; far better than humans. Like changelings, they can sense emotion to a degree more than we can. So when Charlie jumped up at Dewdrop, his tail wagging, for a fuss, I knew that I wasn’t going to have any problems. I said as much to Dewdrop.

“Ah, looks like Charlie approves of you too,” I commented. “This guy’s gotta be one of the smartest dogs I’ve ever met. Anyway, it’s getting a bit chilly out here. How about we head inside?”

An hour or so later and Lizzie and Dewdrop had left. She and Margaret had got most of the washing up done, and we were just down finishing putting everything away. It had been a nice little evening, and Margaret had already suggested doing something similar with Bones and Applejack.

Still, as pleasant as the evening had been, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of sadness now that it was over. Both my kids are pretty much grown up. And having left home, with jobs and everything, it’s been getting harder and harder to see them much, except in passing from time to time. But that all comes with being a parent I suppose. Eventually, you have to let the youngster fly the nest. And of course, while it might be hard to arrange getting together for an evening meal, it wasn’t really that hard to just see them. Margaret in particular often dropped in on Lizzie or Bones when she had time on the weekends.

But as I said, it was a shame the enjoyable evening had come to an end. However, I was glad to see how well things were going for Lizzie. I mean, let’s face it, randomly ending up in some other world puts quite a dent in your life plans. In the grand scheme of things, we haven’t really been in Equestria that long. But since arriving here, we’ve all managed to settle in and build new lives.

I’m just glad I’ve still got the kids around. Celestia only knows what I’d be like if I ended up here alone.

After finishing up, Margaret and I headed up to bed, turning the lights off and leaving Charlie to settle down to sleep in his basket. It had been a relaxing evening. Tomorrow in contrast, was going to be quite busy indeed as my new foe once again found himself in court.

Chapter 19 - Educational Espionage

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“Roger,” Celestia said, with the tone of a mother who has long since gotten used to her son’s behaviour. “Is this really necessary? I thought you were trying to retain the moral high ground.” I smiled to myself.

“And I fully intend to, Tia,” I replied as I stood next to her as she sat on her throne. “But no, I admit it isn’t really necessary. However Chancellor Neighsay only seems to respond to pettiness, and it is a good song.”

Sitting nearby on a small table was a record player with a 33 rpm single album sitting in it. It was actually one of mine, and one of the few records that started life as a record, instead of being converted by magic into the format when it too wound up in Equestria. I’d picked it because it seemed so deeply fitting for the occasion.

Let me explain. Neighsay had made his feelings about Twilight’s school quite plain, but he had been utterly powerless to close it down when she outfoxed him by opening it as an independent school. So his new plan it seemed, was to back a competitor, which was a newly opened university in Las Pegasus called, strangely enough, Friendship University, with Starswirl the Bearded no less as its top professor. Twilight’s school was, at the end of the day, quite a small affair, and the larger campus of Friendship U as it became known, allowed for far more students to enrol in the courses on offer.

Now, I, and Twilight, are all for healthy competition and we were all initially pleased to see another institution open its doors and offer courses on the study of friendship. However, when Twilight went to visit the place, she found a few things amiss. First of all, the place was very much pony only, to the point that it was stated in their charter. Friendship U did not accept any non-pony student from outside Equestria. That got my attention because of the small matter of it being really, really illegal; breaching no less than half a dozen different anti-racism laws, and leaving the place ripe for getting sued back to the Stone Age. Secondly though, there was the issue of fees. It followed the decidedly American model, as do most schools in Equestria. You see, back home, you took out a loan when you went to uni, and only started paying it back once you earned more than £21,000 a year. And after twenty years, the debt was written off anyway. In contrast, while most education in Equestria is free, higher education is very much a case of pay as you go. And Friendship U was making its students pay for every little thing, from the courses, right down to individual worksheets. Needless to say, that kept more than a few students from applying, or getting part way through and having to drop out.

While that wasn’t as illegal as barring non-ponies from attending, it was still decidedly not kosher. And when the students found out just how they were getting fleeced, they were rather keen to have a word with the proprietors. And while they’d managed to avoid being tarred and feathered on the spot, they now found themselves staring down the barrel of a class action lawsuit to go with one already being brought by several rejected Griffon students.

And just who were they you ask? I’d have expected Neighsay, or one of his lackeys from the EEA. But instead, it was some old friends who I had previous given a pass to. Remember Gladmane? After he got the boot from Las Pegasus, Flim and Flam took over his resort, and had for the most part done quite well for themselves, operating within the law while still getting to con idiots in the casinos. But it seemed that they’d gotten a touch ambitious, and had planned to use the funds from this joke of a school to finance renovation and expansions to their resort.

So it was that all three of them now found themselves being led by Buttercup into Day Court, with me and Celestia waiting for them. And I was rather planning on rubbing the whole thing in Neighsay’s face a bit. After all, he had immediately rubber stamped the place with the EEA seal of approval as soon as it opened its doors, making it the second time I’d caught him breaking the law. So, as the doors opened and the three of them were led in, I got them to literally face the music. Picking up the needle, I set the record going, doing my best to keep a straight face while Neighsay glared daggers at me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AL8chWFuM-s

What can I say, The Clash does good music. And all three knuckleheads were about to fight the law, i.e. me, and lose badly. Whilst me and the guards all struggled to contain our mirth, Celestia succeeded in keeping a straight face. Although I know for a fact that she too had been looking to take Neighsay down a peg and wasn’t exactly a fan of Flim and Flam. All three of them stopped at the foot of the throne and after making them suffer for a few moments longer, I shut the record off.

“Was that entirely necessary, Princess?” Neighsay asked coldly. I smiled. Celestia was unmoved.

“I take it you know why you and your compatriots are here, Chancellor Neighsay,” she said in a neutral tone. Neighsay opened his mouth to speak, but was quickly cut off by Flim.

Or was it Flam? Seriously, I have no idea which one is which. Those two are like Ant and Dec, but worse.

“It was all his idea, your majesty!” Flim, or possibly Flam, shouted desperately, pointing an accusing hoof at Neighsay.” The head of the EEA rounded on the shyster.

“Don’t pretend you had nothing to do with this, you cretin!” he snapped back. “Besides, you’re the ones charged with embezzlement.”

“Could be worse,” I commented, catching his attention. “You could be getting done for discrimination on the basis of species.” I snapped my fingers. “Oh, wait, that’s right, you are.” That just waved a red rag in his face. Luckily, Celestia was there to play the elder statesman.

“Alright, that’s enough,” she commanded. We all shut up. She smiled. “That’s better.”

Taking a moment to resettle her wings, Celestia continued, first turning to Flim and Flam.

“Now, Flim and Flam. Allow me to start of by saying that you are hereby banned from ever opening a university, college, school, or other place that provides an education of any kind. Furthermore, given that your business practices were grossly illegal and in clear violation of regulations governing tuition fees, I hereby command you to repay all improperly collected fees back to the student body.” Flam, not seeing the bone he was being thrown, tried to interject.

“But, your highness,” he pleaded. “Without those bits, Flim and I don’t have a hope of getting the new resort facilities open in time for the tourist season.” Celestia’s face now became stern.

“Perhaps I did not make myself clear,” she mused to herself before turning back to the pair. “Let me put it another way. Either you shut down your joke of a university and refund your students, or I shut down you resort and seize all your assets, just as I did with Gladmane, and then send you to prison.”

Mention of their predecessor was more than enough encouragement. I couldn’t help but smile. It’s too rare of a thing to see Celestia wield the absolute power she commands. The two nitwits quickly agreed. There was one other thing I wanted to ask them about though. But that would come later, after Neighsay got what was coming to him.

“And Chancellor Neighsay,” she went on, now turning her disapproving eyes in his direction. “This is the second time I have heard of you discriminating against non-ponies, and it will also be the last. While as the head of the EEA, you may chose which school you endorse, your promotion of Friendship University’s pony only policy breaches basic equality and anti-discrimination laws.” She paused, shaking her head in disbelief.

“Tell me, what did you think would happen when I found out about this?”

Now, you’d be forgiven for thinking that Neighsay might be fearing for his life at this point. But no, he was still as petulant as ever, and still spouting off his racist nonsense.

“I had hoped that you would be pleased, princess,” he replied, stunning the two of us. “I was merely following in the hoofsteps of Princess Twilight Sparkle and helping to spread the magic of friendship through education. I even ensured that Flim and Flam had the best lecturer in the entire realm at their disposal.”

“Starswirl’s presence is besides the point,” Celestia countered. “This time, Chancellor, you have broken the law. I can only be thankful that this time you didn’t also draw the ire of several dignitaries and heads of state. What the EEA chooses to allow, or not allow, at its school is its own business. But when those choices bring it into conflict with Equestrian law, it becomes mine. As such, I am hereby ordering a review into your organisation’s royal charter.”

Now let me explain what Celestia had just done. The EEA has a charter, essentially a permit from Celestia and Luna to exist. If that charter was withdrawn, the EEA would cease to be, period. Effectively, Celestia was telling Neighsay to either quit his nonsense, or else be the very last chancellor of the EEA.

Needless to say, that got him to back down, and in contrast to our previous meeting, I doubted that he would be trying anything again any time soon. Even if the decision was made to retain the EEA’s charter, the mere note of its withdrawal being considered would be a very black mark on the EEA’s reputation, a reputation that wasn’t doing too well to begin with.

With that final warning to Neighsay, Celestia concluded the court session and all three ponies were free to go. However, there was one small matter that was nagging me that I wanted to speak to Flim and Flam about.

You see, Flim and Flam might be marketing geniuses, but they know jack about teaching. More to the point, you can’t just go and buy coursework for friendship studies from your local college book store. Twilight’s school is the only institution running the course, which is of Twilight’s own design. But when she came across Friendship U, and uncovered all the dodgy dealings, there was one thing that puzzled her. Namely, how had Flim and Flam got their hooves on her course material. The only copies were kept in her office and hadn’t been published anywhere. Celestia might have concluded one investigation and duly punished those two morons, but I had good reason to believe there was another avenue to be explored.

Now, in academia, plagiarism is a very serious matter. I know more than a couple students in my own university career who got the boot for doing it, or even just attempting it. However, it was not a criminal offence. In Equestria though, a university was effectively, as far as the law was concerned anyway, a business. That meant that Twilight’s course work was the intellectual property of her school. And since she didn’t give Flim and Flam permission to use it, you could make a reasonable case for copyright infringement, and even industrial espionage, since their goal was to draw ponies away from the School of Friendship in Ponyville. That made it very much a matter for the court. Before I brought it up with Tia though, I wanted to grill Equestria’s two best con artists. I suspected that they were just the middle men. It was far more likely that Neighsay, or somepony else had something to do with this. Why catch those two when I could go after the big fish?

So I had Buttercup gently, but firmly, escort the pair to my office for a little natter. And Buttercup, being about the same size as Big Mac, is not a guy you say no to.

Back on Earth, when I was still just a solicitor taking petty criminal cases at the magistrates court, there was one guy who was something of a regular. Everyone called him Gordon the Gopher. He was a nice enough chap, didn’t do drugs, drink or get in fights. He even had a steady job as a self-employed recovery van driver. There was just one small problem; he had this annoying habit of ‘recovering’ vehicles he wasn’t supposed to, which often found their way onto the cross Channel ferry and on to Albania. Quite clever really; after all, who questions a recovery lorry towing away a car?

Flim and Flam were a lot like him. They weren’t mean or particularly nasty, but you’d never manage to get them on the straight and narrow, no matter how much you tried. But they were hucksters, shysters, petty con men. They weren’t the type to engage in industrial, or shall we say, education espionage. So I was rather curious to know just how they’d got their hooves on Twilight’s papers and course notes.

It was about half an hour after Neighsay was unceremoniously removed from the castle. I specifically had Buttercup hold the pair for a little while to spook them. Like I said, they aren’t hardened criminals, and it doesn’t take too much to intimidate them. I’d just finished my preliminary work on this new possible case when Buttercup brought them in.

“Ah, Flim and Flam, excellent!” I said looking up from my work. “Please, gentlecolts, have a seat. Buttercup, would you run downstairs and ask a maid to bring us up a pot of tea?” Buttercup nodded and left the room, closing the door behind him.

The two stallions took a seat opposite me, both looking decidedly uncomfortable. I once again used my big scary human perk to my advantage.

“Right, I’ll keep it all nice and simple for you,” I said, holding eye contact and forcing a smile. “How did you two get your sticky hooves on Twilight’s coursework?”

The pair looked at each other in surprise. Obviously, in contrast to everything else they said, they hadn’t quite planned for this and didn’t have a matching response planned out. I went on.

“I’ve already spoken with Starswirl, and he tells me that the paperwork and teaching materials were all there when you first hired him on staff.”

“We had no idea those belonged to the princess,” Flim (I think, whichever one doesn’t have the moustache) replied earnestly. “We just bought them. We figured we could recoup the cost from the student fees without digging too deeply into our projected profits.”

Well, this was interesting. I was thinking Neighsay might have been the one. He’d had access to the school after all. But apparently there was some sort of academic black market going on. Was this another case that was going to lead me back to Neighpon, or had Cosa Nostra come up with a new way to make money?

“Bought them from where?” I asked patiently, forming my fingers together in a steeple. Flam now spoke up.

“Well, bought isn’t really the right word,” he replied. “What my brother means is they were provided to us by a third party.” Of course they were.

“Just like that?” I asked, not even attempting to hide my disbelief. “A random pony gives you all the tools you need to open a school specialising in friendship studies. Come on, try a little harder.”

“It’s true,” Flim persisted. “We were planning on opening a for-profit school, but we didn’t plan for it to be about friendship. Then one day we get a package full of all this material, and a letter suggesting that we give this new friendship course a try, since it was popular and all.” I quietly jotted what they were saying in a notebook.

“I don’t suppose this pony had the courtesy to sign their name or leave a return address?” Both con ponies shook their heads. However, a moment later, Flam spoke up.

“Although having said that,” he said. “I do seem to recall that it had a Ponyville postmark.”

Now that got my attention. If it was mailed from Ponyville, that strongly hinted at an inside job. But if that was the case, where was the pay off? In these sorts of situations, the likes of Flim and Flam approached somepony, not the other way around, and paid, or blackmailed, them into giving them access to whatever documentation they needed. There was no point in just sending out the documents first. I’d need to dig a little deeper into this mystery.

I kept up at the pair for a little while longer, doing my best to extract any more information from the,. But it seemed they told me all they knew. And even threats of introducing them to an army of their satisfied customers did little to loosen their tongues. It seemed then that these two had been used as a patsy, and somepony else in the School of Friendship was responsible.

Time to go and tell Twilight that she’s got a security leak.

The next morning saw me making my way to the School of Friendship. The place had been open for several months now and was now a well recognised landmark just outside Ponyville. It kind of reminded me of a college campus in a way in its design. In particular, the large open quad made a great place for students to study in their free time.

You had a mix of high school age kids and younger foals, not to mention the various non-pony students that had been such an issue for Neighsay and the EEA. It was also a boarding school of sorts, with dorms for students to live there full time, although plenty commuted in, just as I commuted back and forth to Canterlot.

In short, it was the great experiment. And so far it was doing very well for itself, if not for this minor leak.

Making my way along the stone path, I crossed over the small brook, taking a moment to admire the beautiful waterfalls against which the school was set. Like a lot of grand buildings in Equestria, the way in was by two large double doors, emblazoned with the schools emblem; a shield with the six elements on it.

Heading up a flight of stairs, I soon found my way to Headmare Twilight’s office. She’s gained herself quite the collection of titles, Princess, Element of Magic, Headmare. Still doesn’t come close to all the titles Tia has, but so rarely uses though. Rapping on the door with a knuckle, I heard the lock turn, and a moment later, Spike appeared. The little dragon continues to serve as Twilight’s assistant.

Of course, there was one major change, I now no longer needed to look down at him. The little drake had recently undergone his molt, sort of dragon puberty, and was now sporting an impressive pair of wings. These allowed him to overcome his still small stature by hovering at eye level with whoever he was talking to.

“Hey, Roger,” he greeted brightly. “What brings you here?”

“Bit of a bad business I’m afraid, Spike,” I replied. “I’m here about Flim and Flam and that university con they tried to pull. I need to have a quick chat with Twilight. Is she about?” Spike shook his head.

“Sorry, she’s teaching a class right now,” he said in an apologetic tone. “You’re welcome to wait though. She shouldn’t be too long.”

Eh, I had time.

“Sure, why not?”

Spike gently moved to the side and opened the office door for me. Twilight’s office was an impressive sight. For one thing it was bigger than mine, although unlike mine, it lacked marble floors. Still, she had some amazing panoramic windows and plenty of space to work in. It was clear too that she spent a lot of her time here. She’s really thrown herself heart and soul into this school. As Spike led me to a comfortable looking sofa that Twilight evidently used for entertaining company of the professional kind, I noticed we weren’t quite alone.

On the opposite side of the room was a small pegasus filly. She had a very light pink coat, with a baby blue mane done up in curls. She reminded me of some stereotypical image of a little girl from fifty years back. Right now, she seemed to be going over some paperwork. An odd occupation for what seemed to be a filly of only eight or nine.

“Who’s that?” I asked, gesturing towards her.

“Oh, that Cozy Glow,” Spike explained. “She’s one of Twilight’s students here. She’s been having a bit of a hard time learning friendship lessons, so the Crusaders helped her out. She’s real smart too. Twilight took her on as a sort of personal assistant for the school. I can only do so much, you know?”

I didn’t know what it was, but at that moment, the filly looked up from her work, and her reddish amber coloured eyes met my brown ones for the briefest moment. I can’t quite describe it. I just got this...odd feeling. Something made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. A moment later, as she turned her focus back to her work, it vanished. I put it down to me being a little put off by how overly cute she was. Even by pony standards, the little filly looked able to induce diabetes.

However, it occurred to me that if this filly was helping out Twilight, and had access to this office, she might be able to help find the source of the leak.

Talk about not seeing the wood for the trees. But then again, who would suspect a little kid of being what she was?

But we’ll get to that another time. Getting up from my seat, I crossed the office and went to speak with the little filly. I doubted that she’d have anything useful, but you never know. I remember a case years ago where a kid saw his parents both killed in a nasty robbery attempt gone wrong. In the kid’s statement, he said a dragon killed his parents. When they finally caught the bastard, it turned out he’d been wearing a hooded green raincoat; to the kid, terrified beyond belief, it looked like a dragon. So I never fully discount a child witness.

Cozy looked up as the big six foot ape creature lumbered over to her. I did my best to appear non-threatening, getting down into a crouched, kneeling position.

“Hi, Cozy Glow,” I said with a smile. “My name’s Mr. Owen. Spike here tells me you’ve been helping Headmare Twilight with some of the paperwork she has to deal with.”

“Oh yes,” Cozy said, in a voice that was as sickeningly sweet as her face. “Headmare Twilight has given me a lot of responsibility as her personal assistant.”

“Do you know where the documents for the course records are kept?” I asked innocently. The filly nodded and flapping her wings a couple of times, flittered over to a filing cabinet.

“They should be right in here,” she said, pulling open one of the drawers and propping herself up on her hind legs. I peered in too. But to our surprise, the drawer was empty.

“What?” Cozy said in surprise. “Where are they? They should be right here.”

She sounded surprised, and it sounded pretty genuine. But there was something off about it. Again, at the time, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It certainly wasn’t enough to rouse any suspicion. Like I said, who’d suspect a little filly?

“I think I know, Cozy,” I answered. “We found them at Friendship University. Do you have any idea how somepony could have taken them?” The filly shook her head.

“No, Mr. Owen,” she replied sweetly. It was actually starting to get quite grating. “Headmare Twilight always keeps her office locked after school finishes, and she has the only key.”

“Well, obviously she doesn’t always lock her office, since we’re both standing here,” I replied.

“Oh, she let’s me borrow it if I need to get in,” Cozy explained, gesturing to her saddlebags which sat resting against the far wall.

Well, the most logical explanation, as far as eye could see was that the little filly had left the door unlocked by accident at some point, and pony or ponies unknown had entered the office. The theft would have most likely happened after hours. Twilight was in and out of her office in the day. Unless whoever it was had been watching beforehoof. Argh, this getting a bit beyond my remit. I might play shamus from time to time, but I was by no means a trained investigator. This was a job for the Royal Guard. In addition to being the security force for Canterlot, they also function as the city’s police force, somewhat like the RCMP in Canada, and cover most of the Canterhorn Valley. In contrast, other cities like Manehattan have their own police forces, separate from the military. And it was decidedly their bailiwick now.

Thanking Cozy for her time, I was about to go over and chat with Spike when the doors to the office opened and Twilight walked in, a couple of scrolls and quills floating around her in her magic.

“Ah, Twilight,” I said, standing back up to my full height again. “I was hoping I’d be able to have a chat with you. I’m here about those course documents Flim and Flam somehow got their hooves on.” Twilight paused in her work at that.

“Oh, great,” she said, now giving me her full attention. “I’ve been going over any time I might have let somepony in here. But the only ponies with access are me, the other professors, and a couple of students.”

“And I certainly can’t see why any of them would just send the documents off the way they did,” I said with a nod. “It’s so odd. Flim and Flam got these papers just handed to them anonymously. No pay off or anything like that. I just had a word with Cozy Glow and Spike. Neither of them know anything either. It looks like I’ll have to refer this up to the Royal Guard. I’ll swing by and see Wrought Steel when I’m next in Canterlot and let him know too. He’s a damn fine investigator as well as a barrister. With any luck, they’ll be able to turn up something.”

“I sure hope so,” Twilight agreed as walked behind her desk, putting a few things away. “In the meantime, I’ve made sure to have all the other important documents in here kept under lock and key.” I prepared to take my leave.

“Alright. Well, I’m sure he or the guards will be along in a day or so. Can you think of anything else? Any idea of who might do something like this. It’s bad enough not having any suspects, but I can’t even figure out the motive for doing something like this. Whoever stole the papers got no reward to speak of. They just created some competition for your school.”

“I can think of one pony,” Spike interjected. “Chancellor Neighsay was helping Flim and Flam by endorsing their school, and he wants this place to fail. Plus, with that EEA amulet of his, he could have gotten in here even if the door was locked.”

Both Twilight and I paused to admire the young drake’s deductive reasoning skills.

“I think the boy’s onto something!” I declared with a smile.

The next morning saw me in the offices of the Crown Prosecution Service, the CPS, to pay call on my friend and comrade in arms, Wrought Steel. If there was anypony alive who could help build a case against Neighsay, then it was him. Spike may have made a reasonable supposition, but it was only a theory. Neighsay had the holy trinity of means, motive, and opportunity, but there was no empirical evidence to show that that was what had transpired. And as he isn’t an Islamic extremist and this isn’t the land of liberty, that meant we couldn’t just throw him in jail.

So we had some investigating to do first. Wroght’s job made him an ideal partner for the case. The CPS often play an investigative role, alongside the Royal Guard, in a lot of criminal cases, in a sense acting like a detective as well as a barrister. It was an intriguing difference compared to the justice system of old Britannia.

I started out by putting the facts of the case to him; what we knew. When you stepped back, we actually knew very little. We knew that Flim and Flam had come into possession of Twilight’s course documents, we did not know for certain how. We knew that the door to Twilight’s office was locked, and that only a select few ponies had the key. The door had not been forced open, and there were no other ways to gain entry. Finally, we knew roughly when the documents had been taken, based on when Friendship University opened its doors.

Apart from those details though, there wasn’t much to go on. We suspected that it had to be a unicorn, and one skilled enough in the use of teleportation magic, as there was no other way a pony could get in. There was no signs of the locks being picked either, and windows didn’t even open. So our suspect was a unicorn who had something to gain by handing over those documents to Flim and Flam. It was circumstantial, but the evidence did rather point toward Neighsay. Still, Wrought wanted to tread carefully. Depending on how this went, it could blow up into a huge political scandal that could quite possibly bring down the whole EEA.

“First things first,” Wrought said, after having had a look at my preliminary notes. “I want to reinterview everypony else from the school; the professors and students who had access to the office, along with anypony else who might have been able to get in after hours.”

“Makes sense,” I replied with a nod. “If we’re gonna do this, it needs to be airtight. If you’re happy to do that, I’ll go before the princesses, see if we can get Neighsay brought in for questioning.”

“I’d also suggest sending those documents to the technical services ponies. Paper isn’t the best material, but there may be some forensic evidence that could help us out. If whoever did it did use teleportation, there might even be a magic residue left behind.”

And so, we set to work. Wrought went back and grilled Twilight and her friends, along with a bunch of students, including Cozy Glow who I’d met the day before. They all had an alibi for the time of the theft, apart from the little filly, who had been asleep in her room in the dorms at the time, but several ponies had seen her go to bed.

I meanwhile went to see Tia, who was just finishing up with Day Court for the morning and was about to take her lunch with Luna. I filled her in on the progress of our investigation, Initially, I was planning on just asking if we could request that Neighsay come in for a chat. He wouldn’t be interviewed under caution, it would just be an informal talk; help with enquiries.

However, as I was discussing the matter with her, Buttercup joined us with a message from the CSI boys. Wrought Steel had been right on the money when he suggested checking the document for forensics. They’d found magic residue that matched the pattern for a portal spell. Don’t ask me about the science of it; that’s Bones’ department. What mattered is that we now had evidence against Neighsay. There was no good reason for his signature spell to be on those papers.

Celestia was quick to issue the warrant.

Neighsay had looked pretty damn smug when he greeted Twilight at Friendship University, all proud of his bigger, xenophobic version of her school. He didn’t look smug however, when he was, rather publicly, arrested by the Royal Guard on suspicion of burglary. They caught him right as he was leaving his office at the EEA. Two guards, in full kits, politely informed him that he was under arrest and that he would need to accompany them back to Canterlot Castle.

Needless to say, the gent didn’t take it all that well. He wasn’t stupid enough to try and run. Understandably, he was more concerned with saving what little remained of his reputation, even going so far as to use his long robes to hide the metal hoofcuffs locked around his forelegs. Still, the look on his face when he was brought into the interview room where Wrought Steel and I were waiting spoke volumes.

“Good day, Chancellor,” I said with a smile and a nod. “Please, have a seat.” I gestured to the chair that sat opposite from us across the cold, metal desk.

The interview rooms down here in the castle dungeons were actually quite modern. In contrast to the cells, which would have fitted in quite nicely in the nineteenth century, the interview rooms were modern, reminiscent of the late 80’s. The walls were featureless and painted a drab grey, as was the hard concrete floor underfoot. The room was small, with a single light illuminating the whole room in an unnatural glow. The only furniture was the table, four chairs, and the large mirror, that anypony with half a brain knew was a one way window, complete with microphones, so that others could observe the interrogation.

Neighsay slid into his seat, his eyes not leaving mine for an instant. It was if he was hoping that, even with his magic cut off by a security spell, and his EEA medallion confiscated by the custody sergeant, he could cause me to spontaneously combust by glaring at me. Wrought leaned forward in his chair, opening up the manilla file on his desk.

“Chancellor Neighsay,” he began. “I must now caution you that you do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention, when questioned, something you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” Neighsay hissed in a bitter tone.

“Do you wish to speak with an attorney or have any other legal representative present for this interview?”

“No.”

Well this was going to go one of two ways. Either he was going to try and defend himself, eventually screw up, and spill the beans to Wrought. Or…

“Can you tell me how you came to be in possession of copyrighted teaching materials taken from Princess Twilight Sparkle’s School of Friendship?”

“No comment.”

Bugger.

Back when I worked for the dark side, there were two ways you defended someone. First of all, I took them to one side and asked them to honestly tell me if they did what they were being accused of or not. If they said they were innocent, I could try to find evidence to prove that, and give them responses that would mitigate anything plod might have on them. However, I cannot lie for a client. If they tell me they did it, there’s only two options, go for a deal, or say sod all, and ‘no comment’ your way through the whole interview. That way at least you didn’t give them anything else.

Now, normally, saying nothing in interview didn’t bode well. While silence could not be used as evidence to confirm guilt, since as Wrought had cautioned Neighsay, he was not obliged to say anything, it also cut off any potential ways to explain away the situation. At best, you got an impasse.

And that was where we found ourselves now. Wrought tried a few more questions, but it became clear after the fifth one that Neighsay didn’t plan on saying much.

“Do you have anything you wish to say in relation to this matter?” Wrought tried.

“No comment.” came the reply.

Well, only one thing for it. Time to lay our cards on the table and see what happens.

“Chancellor,” I began. “Might I take a stab at telling you what happened?” Neighsay said nothing, so I went on.

“Here’s how I think things went down. We both know the EEA was caused no small amount of embarrassment by the reopening and subsequent success of the School of Friendship. Your own conduct certainly helped to show the organisation in a very poor light. But you were unable to take any action. So you concocted a plan, to use the course materials for a competitor school that would receive EEA accreditation and consequently draw prospective students away from Ponyville. But the documents were kept under tight security, and there was no way you could convince anypony on staff to help you. So you used your EEA medallion to create a portal directly into the office. From there, it was a simple matter of taking the documents and letting them fall into the hooves of Flim and Flam.”

Neighsay pondered what I had said for a moment before speaking.

“An interesting story,” he replied, opening up at last. “But just a story. You have no proof that I did anything.”

“Not true,” I replied with a smile. Here kitty kitty. I laid out the magic forensics report on the table. “The lab picked up traces of the magic from your amulet on the documents.”

Neighsay leaned forward to examine the report.

“Background levels,” he declared after a moment. “This could be explained away by my mere proximity to these documents. I’ve examined them when Flim and Flam applied to have their school accredited. And if they truly do belong to Twilight Sparkle...”

“Princess Twilight Sparkle,” I corrected smoothly, prompting yet another glare. Neighsay continued.

“Then it is to be expected that there would be traces of the magic from my amulet on them.”

Damn, there it was, reasonable bloody doubt.

We were dead in the water.

Both Wrought and I kept things up for a little while longer, but Neighsay quickly stopped answering again. We were left with no choice. After holding him for the twenty four hours we were allowed to without charging him, we had to cut him loose. Curiously, Neighsay didn’t seem to gleeful about it. He didn’t act like he’d just gotten away with something. If anything, he seemed quite curious about the whole affair as well.

But he wasn’t telling us anything. If Flim and Flam were telling the truth, and my gut says they were, then somepony had sent them those documents. But who, if not Neighsay? Who else could possibly gain anything by sending those documents off into the wild blue yonder. The only other vague suspect I had was one of the students, possibly any of the students from outside Equestria. I may be nothing like Neighsay, but profiling does have its place in investigations. It was entirely possible that one of them might have an agenda.

However, I wouldn’t learn the answer to this particular riddle until several months later. For the time being, the trail went cold. The Royal Guard did some follow up work, but it yielded very little. Twilight upped the security in her office, but other than that, there was little to do. And while I didn’t like leaving a mystery, never mind a crime, unsolved, I had other cases waiting on the docket.

Chapter 20 - Conduct Unbecoming

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As a rule, my work mainly keeps me in Canterlot. Celestia and her Day Court are here, so it's quite rare for me to need to travel outside of the capitol for work. However, there are occasions every now and then that send me all over Equestria on the princesses behalf. I’ve been her man on the ground during the manhunt for Troubleshoes, I’ve been her representative at tribal council meetings during disputes between the ponies and the buffalo, and I’ve sat on Counsel Row while half of the Cosa Nostra went inside for all day in Manehattan.

Today it seemed that I was to be going much further afield than before. For the first time in my career, I was to be sent overseas to our long standing friends and allies in the Griffon Kingdom. Unfortunately, it was not a pleasant social call. There had apparently been some sort of incident involving a couple of guards. It was something to do with an exchange program; we have a good thirty or so of our boys on loan and vice versa. And it seemed that it had been serious enough to get the Griffon legal system involved. How did I know this? Because the Griffons had sent a representative to Canterlot to bring the matter to Tia’s attention. Hence why I was now following my old friend Buttercup along the familiar path to the entrance to the throne room.

Heading in by the side entrance, I walked up to the dais and bustled up the small steps to join my friend and ruler. Celestia was sat on her throne, a concerned look on her face, while a griffon, in full dress uniform of their military, a colonel I think, addressed her.

“You sent for me, Princess?” I asked as I joined her, Celestia smiled slightly as she turned to me.

“Yes, my advisor,” she said gently. “This is Colonel Guillotine of the Griffon Defence Forces. He’s brought some rather troubling news.”

This Colonel Guillotine was an impressive looking chap. He wore the slate grey uniform of the Griffons, with red and gold epaulettes on his shoulders. He was without a hat, but wore a monocle in his left eye. He also boasted a rather impressive chest of medals, although like Russians, the Griffons do tend to pass them out like candy. Still, with a name like that, I wasn’t going to try anything funny with this guy.

“Indeed I do,” he said, with traces of a Prench accent. The region of Prance borders the two countries and has changed hooves and claws more than once over the last few hundred years.

“The facts put simply, sir, are these. Four days ago, two of your guards, serving on the military exchange program went to a bar in the capital city of Moscrow. They proceeded to get themselves absolutely soused to the point the landlord cut them off and told them to leave his establishment. Instead of accepting that however, the two ponies engaged in a most violent brawl with both the establishment’s staff and several members of our police force before being arrested.

“Now, ordinarily, we would simply have these two removed from our country and returned to you. However, in the course of that fight, the two ponies also severely injured one of the patrons who was attempting to stop the fight; my comrade in arms Major Hartwin. Given that these ponies are technically serving the Defence Forces, you can see the problem.”

I nodded in understanding, seeing just why this had become quite so serious.

“Indeed I do, Herr Colonel,” I replied, offering a bit of the griffon’s native tongue to build some rapport. I then turned to Tia. “In the laws of the Griffon Defence Forces, striking a senior officer is a capital offence, even in peacetime. Both ponies could be sent before a court martial and hanged.”

Griffon laws, like the people and land, are noticeably harsher than those of Equestria. They believe in a strict adherence to the law and have a strict hierarchy, particularly in the military. And there were equally harsh punishment for breaking those laws.

“However,” Guillotine went on. “We are well aware that such an action would be entirely unacceptable to our Equestrian neighbours. So his majesty has sent me here to see if a compromise may be reached. We, that is to say both his majesty’s government and Major Hartwin himself, are certainly willing to simply see these two removed from our nation, never to return. But as I’m sure you are aware, we would require some sort of restitution.”

Celestia nodded sagely and pondered the situation for a moment before replying.

“That is a most reasonable request, Colonel,” she replied. “While the laws and customs of my guard are not quite as strict as your own, I assure you that these two will face severe punishment upon their return. If nothing else, allow me to offer to send a representative to escort them back and deliver my personal apologies to Major Hartwin.”

Hartwin had previously served in the Royal Guard in the same exchange program. He and I had gotten along quite well, with the both of us learning a thing or two from the venerable Captain Strong Shield. It certainly hurt to hear that our supposedly well disciplined guards had not only kicked off, but kicked off on him as well. Celestia wasn’t kidding either. I had no doubt that she had something in mind for these two twits.

“And who might you be willing to send, Princess?” Guillotine asked. “While the offer is kind, I fear that, for the moment, we would not be able to allow any of your guards into our homeland.”

That was a pickle wasn’t it. Ponies as a rule didn’t much care to go to the Griffon Kingdom. While they are allies, their society is remarkably different and at times the antitheses to pony culture. A consequence of being predators I suppose. Whoever went would only need to be there for half a day at most. It was simply a collection to bring our two boys back home to face the music.

“I could do it,” I offered before I could stop myself from speaking. Both alicorn and griffon looked at me in surprise.

“You, my advisor?” Celestia asked after recovering from her slight shock.

To be fair, it was quite out of character for me. While I have gone further afield in the past, it has always been because I’d been ordered to rather than volunteering. I’d certainly never gone beyond Equestria’s borders. But it made sense, and I told Tia as much.

“Well, I’m not a pony,” I replied. “I’m not affiliated with the Royal Guard in any meaningful way. I can confidently represent you and Princess Luna at proceedings. And I have the authority to arrest and repatriate the two guards on the spot. Plus I’m on good terms with the head of the Griffon military.”

Ah, yes,” Guillotine replied. “I remember hearing Herr Riverbill talk about your meeting at that reception two years ago.”

Riverbill, the Reichsmarschall of the Griffon Defence Forces, and I, had met at a formal reception when he visited Canterlot on behalf of the king. We’d gotten on well enough together, bonding over our shared experiences of soldiering, me in the volunteers, and he in the militia. If nothing else, a familiar face might help smooth over the effects of this incident. Celestia seemed to agree.

“If you are happy to go Roger, I shall not stop you,” she said, after considering it for a moment. “I must admit you would be an ideal candidate.”

“I can leave first thing tomorrow,” I said, now sure of myself.

“Excellent!” Guillotine said, sounding satisfied. “I am staying the night here myself. So allow me to offer you a ride to my country.”

“And I meanwhile will arrange for your transportation home, along with the two prisoners,” Celestia added.

With that, the matter was settled. And a potential political rift between two otherwise friendly nations, was nipped in the bud. Now all I had to do was tell the memsahib where I was going.

“The Griffon Kingdom?” Margaret said with some surprise as I broke the news over dinner.

Learning from previous mistakes, I’d been careful to serve her a fair bit of wine before hand. Margaret doesn’t have much of a tolerance for booze. Half a glass and twenty minutes later, she’s overcome by a fit of giggles and falls fast asleep. It certainly seemed to be working, since her tone was more curious than accusatory.

“It’s only for a day,” I assured her. “I just go to the capital, collect these two plebs from the griffon’s version of the Old Bill, bus them back home to Canterlot and turn them over for a proper good bollocking. The only reason I volunteered myself was so Celestia could send a non-pony representative so as not to fan the flames. Plus I am rather in the good graces of that Riverbill bloke.”

Margaret considered this carefully, as much as anyone could when they were just bordering on tipsy.

“Well, as long as you promise to be careful. But griffons seem alright. I remember we had that griffon, what’s his name, Hartwin over to the school a while or so back to give a talk on Griffon history. You remember, it was just after Pinkie and Rainbow came back from Griffonstone.”

“Would you believe me if I told you it was Hartwin the two idiots punched?” I asked.

“Seriously?” she replied, pausing in her meal. I nodded.

“Yeah, he stepped in to try and break things up, and that’s when they both jumped on him.”

“For goodness sake!” Margaret shook her head in dismay. “I know soldiers on leave can get a little rowdy. But when you’re representing your country overseas the least you can do is not get arrested.”

“Come on, think of what your dad used to say about the Yanks that were stationed back home during the last war.”

“I remember him telling me how he and friends got a fight with some redneck GIs when they wouldn’t let the black squadies drink at the Red Lion. Still, you’d have thought ponies wouldn’t be quite as bad.” I shrugged.

“Hey, I was rather hoping this place didn’t have racist jackasses either, but Neighsay exists to put a dent in that.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” Margaret agreed. “So when are you leaving?”

“First thing. I’ll head up to Canterlot as usual, and from there the griffons will take me across the sea to their capital.”

“I trust you’ve been properly briefed on how to behave over there?” she asked.

“What do you mean?” I asked puzzled.

“Well,” she said, trying and failing to suppress a giggle. “You know...Moscrow rules.”

We both laughed.

Margaret might have been joking, but she did have something of a point there. Moscrow, or rather Moscow Rules, were a set of rules western intelligence agencies adopted when working inside the Soviet Union. While the Griffon Kingdom was an allied power, you still had to stay on your toes, particularly when you considered the reason for my visit. Still, while I’d keep my head on a swivel, I didn’t foresee any major problems.

And so, the following morning, I bid goodbye to my wife and to Charlie, and set off on the train up to Canterlot. Taking a cab up the hill to the castle to save time, I quickly made my way to the throne room, where Celestia, along with Colonel Guillotine were waiting for me. The alicorn looked a little uneasy, but for the most part seemed calm and relaxed as ever. No doubt that she, in the unlikely event anything went wrong, had at least a dozen contingency plans to get me back. In contrast, the colonel appeared eager for the off. I suppose being here in the land of peace and harmony was just as odd to him as it was for ponies to visit the dark and somewhat foreboding land of the Griffon Kingdom.

“Good morning, Princess,” I said, offering a slight bow before turning to my new travelling companion. “Herr Colonel.”

“I trust you have made all necessary preparations?” Celestia asked. I nodded.

“I have all my travel documents, including my diplomatic clearance right here, your highness,” I replied. “Along with the arrest warrant for both of the ponies I’m to retrieve.”

“Do not worry yourself, Princess,” Guillotine assured her. “I shall have your man back before you set the sun.” It wasn’t until a few minutes later that I noticed that odd turn of phrase. After all, ponies had no concept of what ‘man’ is before they met me, and possibly that weird mirror world.

“I’ll wire you with a report from Moscrow once I’ve met with the two prisoners, Tia,” I added.

And with that, we both collected our luggage, such as it was, and made for one of the landing platforms used by castle chariots. I’d taken these plenty of times, particularly when I travelled up north to the Crystal Empire. The white and gold chariots of the guard are a well known sight across the country, and arriving in one automatically links you with Celestia in the minds of most ponies.

However, the landing area also acted as a mooring point for airships that docked in the city. In the absence of propeller or jet powered flight, these were your primary mode of long range transportation. While a trip up north was doable with pony power, it simply wasn’t feasible to travel all the way to the Griffon Kingdom without a relief pair of flyers.

In the aftermath of the Storm King incident, Equestria had pulled several of its military airships out of mothballs, and these were now used as a form of border patrol. After all, the only reason the incursion was as successful as it was, was due to the fact that the enemy fleet entered Equestrian airspace undetected and unopposed. Early warning would have allowed the princesses, or Twilight and her friends to easily turn them back, and the whole matter would never have blown up as seriously as it did.

It was by this means that Guillotine and I would be travelling today. He had come in one of the Griffons' own airships, an impressive looking warship, rather than by carriage or chariot. First things first, I encountered something of a pun when it came to the name of the vessel.

“Well, what do you think of the Birdsmark, Herr Owen?” Guillotine asked, gesturing to the large airship. “She is named after one of our greatest leaders.”

The Griffons seem to share commonalities with both the Germans and Russians, and sometimes not in the best ways. For the Ruskies, you have their fondness for drink as well as the names of several of their cities. But the Germanic influence is stronger I think, reflected in their language, traditions, military, including their slate grey uniforms, as well as their overall history, being a long time enemy of Equestria in the past, and having always contested the Prench region. Then again, they do refer to the war that united the country under the current royalist regime as the Great Patriotic War.

The Birdsmark was currently moored at one of three airship stations, the one on the left held a cruise line airship making a voyage from Vanhoover to Manehattan, while the other currently berthed a Fancy Pants’ private airship. The Birdsmark dwarfed both craft.

Two griffon sentries met us at the gangplank and led us up onto the ship. Following usual maritime tradition, I called up from the gangplank and requested permission to come aboard. She was quite the impressive sight, probably falling into the battlecruiser class of ships, with large canons on either side, and smaller bow and stern chasers on the top deck mounted in turrets. The gondola that formed the main body of the ship, suspended below the vast helium filled balloon, was made of steel and painted grey. From the aft section flew the flag of the Griffon Kingdom and their naval ensign.

She was by no means a pleasure craft, but being taken aboard, I found it quite the comfortable ship. Both Guillotine and I were given quarters usually reserved for officers, and they were quite comfortable, despite the slightly limited headroom that I had to put up with. As we prepared to get underway, I headed out on deck to get some air. The voyage, according to the airship’s captain, would take roughly four hours, an impressive time for an airship. I suppose we were lucky we had a tailwind behind us.

The airship gracefully cleared her moorings and began to depart Equestria’s glittering capital. However, we would not be making the trip to our homeland’s borders alone. While the griffons were allies, it was expected that we were to be given an Equestrian escort to the ocean. I had to let out a laugh when I saw the airship that took station abeam.

You see, when the airships were taken out of mothballs, most of them were simply re-entered into the roster. One however, named the Sunlight, had a rather chequered past. The bottle didn’t break when she was launched, and her career had been plagued by a serious of accidents and mishaps, including an incident when she collided with the Equine State Building in Manehattan as she attempted to dock in a stiff breeze. So it was decided to rechristen her, and give her a fresh start. The matter of a name for her came up when I was helping Celestia with a civil case in Day Court and I offered a couple of suggestions, based on famous British warships like Victory, Indefatigable, and Warrior. I didn’t realise which one Celestia had settled on until now.

“Sir, our Equestrian escort has arrived,” a young griffon lookout said. “It’s one of their refitted warships. The Hood I believe.”

Now, for those of you who don’t know their history. HMS Hood, known in her day as the Mighty Hood, was the battleship sent, along with HMS Prince of Wales, to stop the Bismarck when she came out of harbour to attack allied shipping in the Atlantic. The battle was expected to be long and difficult, but due to poor design (Hood was a retrofitted Great War battleship), the Hood was sunk by Bismarck’s first volley, with only four men surviving. Of course, the Royal Navy’s subsequent vendetta and pursuit across the high seas, which ultimately resulted in Bismarck’s destruction, is a celebrated moment of naval lore. But we’ve never built another ship with that name. I’d told Celestia that sea story, so it surprised me that she’d selected the name. Maybe she was going for ‘what are the odds of that happening again?’. At least she didn’t name it General Belgrano, I suppose.

Anyway, Hood took up station alongside us and signalled their intent to escort us to the border. The two warships sailed gracefully through the peaceful skies. I tell you, if these two ships had been there when the Storm King invaded, his forces wouldn’t have lasted a minute against these great guns.

The next couple of hours were spent watching the world float on by. Heading East, we left Canterlot behind and cruised over middle Equestria, passing all sorts of little towns, farms and settlements. One odd thing caught my eye as we journeyed through the sky, and that was this one small town. On its border was this huge wooden rainbow, sort of like a billboard I guess. But the town itself...it all just seemed grey, as if all the colour had just been sapped out of it. I figured that it must be some kind of trick of the light.

It wouldn’t be until much later that I learned from Twilight that that was Hope Hollow, a town that was very much in need of friendship and magic in equal measure.

Passing between Manehattan and Fillydelphia, we eventually came to the coast of the Eastern Sea. Across that water, connected in the north by a thin strip of land, lay the Griffon Kingdom, a land of dark foreboding mountains, rocky crags and and high peaks. Quite a contrast to the rolling pleasant grasslands of Equestria.

As we reached international waters, about five miles off shore, the Hood signalled that her mission was at an end and in the best maritime traditions, wished us a safe voyage. She then bore away, and before too long disappeared in the thick clouds.

That left us alone in the skies. We encountered the odd ship or two as we cross the ocean, mostly freighters carrying cargo between the two kingdoms. There were certainly no pirates to worry about this far north. They were more a problem in the south, although with the demise of the Storm King, their main employer, the crews were slowly starting to take up more legitimate roles. Privateers for the Hippogriff navy apparently, whilst they rebuilt their own forces. Although for the life of me I don’t see why a species who is able to switch between hippogriff and seapony at will thanks to that pearl, would ever have need of a navy.

Anyway, before too long, we were over the kingdom and beginning our approach into Moscrow. This was the kingdom’s third capital. In the ancient days, the seat of power had been Griffonstone. In the days of the Griffon Empire, it had been Birdlin. But now, with the royal lineage again restored, the government operated from Moscrow, famous for its huge parade squares and the king’s winter palace. In contrast to Equestria, the Griffon Kingdom is more industrialised along the lines of the early twentieth century, with rudimentary internal combustion engines and a thriving heavy mining industry. And unlike Equestria, a good many of these developments had been used as weapons of war. And that included the cruiser on which I now stood.

The Birdsmark docked at a specially designed mooring station close to the palace. Colonel Guillotine had told me that I would first have an audience with Riverbill, who was acting on behalf of the king, a figure seldom seen in public, and would then be taken to speak with the two morons I was here to rescue.

Descending the gangplank, the two of us were met by a pair of officers from the king’s personal security force, who would escort us to the palace. I couldn’t help a twinge of fear as the pair saluted Guillotine.

It didn’t help that they clicked their heels.

The Griffon Imperial Palace, a holdover from the days when the country had an emperor, was the official seat of power and residence of the king, making it the counterpart to Canterlot Castle. Unlike that building though, the palace was a large, Germanic affair, in keeping with the architecture surrounding it. In a way, it reminded me of Colditz, with high walls and towers, as well as the grey and drab exterior.

Following Guillotine inside, I found the interior to be reminiscent of the Bavarian style. The walls were lined with tapestries, paintings and ancient weapons and armour. Riverbill was going to meet with me in one of the large audience chambers, where it was typical for the king and his representatives to meet and entertain guests and diplomatic visitors. I was a little saddened that I was not to meet the king personally, but then again, according to rumours, with his advancing age, he’s apparently grown quite eccentric. Last I heard, he believed himself to be a small village in Lincoltshire, commanding spectacular views of surrounding valley. He also wanted his son, the crown prince, to marry a rose bush.

But that’s by the by. It would be nice to see Riverbill again. Reminders of darker times aside, he was an easy man to get along with, and the two of us had become good friends during his last visit to Canterlot. With any luck, a familiar face might help smooth over the insult caused by this upset. Coming to the large oak double doors, the guards escorting us carefully opened them, and a sentry by the door announced my arrival to Riverbill and the other assembled ministers and military officers. I also noticed a small band on one side of the room.

Now, in Griffon diplomatic protocol, it was expected that any visiting dignitary, particularly when I was coming in Celestia’s stead, would be given the same honours as a visiting ruler. As such, you were subjected to a royal salute from an assembled honour guard. This just involved a short strain of the visitor’s national anthem and, unsurprisingly, a salute. However, I was quite caught off guard when the Equestrian anthem didn’t play.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ho0PwxeO8Pk

Evidently, Riverbill had decided to do me a little kindness, although I had no idea where he’d gotten the music from. I must confess though, it had been too long since I’d heard it. It may sound like a funeral march half the time, but when done properly, in can be quite stirring.

After pausing a moment until the band stopped playing, I walked over to Riverbill who was waiting, along with several other griffons, along with their two prisoners. Neither of them looked pretty happy but seemed to be in good shape. I’d been a little concerned about that actually. Like I said, griffon society in general was harsh compared to Equestria, and that extended to their prisons. I was honestly surprised to see no bruising. Evidently they’d been treated remarkably well, considering their crime. Riverbill smiled as I came over, and and I extended a hand in greeting.

“Riverbill, good to see you again,” I said with a smile. Riverbill took my hand carefully in his claw. One of the sentries however, didn’t much care for my informality with the deputy commander of Griffon Defence Forces.

“Hey, you’re addressing the Reichsmarschall!” He snapped sharply. Riverbill smiled.

“It’s quite alright, lieutenant,” he replied, his accent sounding more Russian than anything else. “This human and I are close friends. I permit him this informality.” He then turned back to me. “Sorry about that. Protocol, you understand.” I nodded.

“Of course,” I answered. I gestured to the two pegasi. “I take it these two are the idiots that I am here to collect.”

“Quite correct,” Riverbill said. “And standing with them is the chief of the military police. They are currently in his custody, and ready to be transferred to you.”

The transfer was a simple enough process. The head of the Griffon MPs and I signed a few documents, I re-arrested both guards and informed them that they were being extradited back to Equestria to face charges. Riverbill, along with a few other military types and a few from the Griffon press, looked on quietly. I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of shame brought on by the actions of my adopted countrymen. As a couple of sentries began to frog march the two prisoners out to the landing station, where an Equestrian transport would take the three of us home.

“Riverbill,” I said, just before I departed. “I hope you will accept both my and the princesses sincere apologies regarding this incident, and pass them to his majesty, as well as Major Hartwin himself.” Riverbill nodded.

“Of course, my friend,” he said. “I had hoped the major would be here today. I know the two of you were friends when he was stationed in Canterlot. But the doctors insisted he stay in hospital another week. Those two boys really did a number on him.” I scowled.

“And I can assure you, they will be paying for that, very dearly.”

With a final handshake, the two of us parted amicably. I caught up with the two prisoners. One of them, I recognised.

“This is a new low for you, Corporal Sand Dune. I’m just thankful your captain isn’t alive to see it.”

I had no doubt that Strong Shield’s blood would be boiling when he read about this. Sand Dune had been in trouble with the Provost Sergeant more than a few times, once even being subjected to Field Punishment No. 1. This though could very well see him busted back to private if nothing else. The other guard I didn’t recognise, perhaps a newer recruit. It would be Celestia who decided their fate in any case.

I wondered just what punishment she had come up with to assuage the griffons as we departed, bound for Canterlot.

It was a week later before I got an answer. I found myself, along with both guards, Flash Magnus, the current captain who had replaced Mareclellan, and Major Hartwin, who was now more or less recovered from his injuries, although underneath his hide you could see the odd hoof shaped bruise.

We were all gathered in the throne room, the two guards standing before the dais, and the rest of us standing next to the thrones, well out of the proverbial line of fire. Both princesses were present, each sitting in their throne, and neither of them looked happy as the glared down at the pair.

Now, Luna’s anger is very well documented, and has been proved to go quite high in the decibel range. She doesn’t mince words, she just switches to the Royal Canterlot Voice and tells you in no uncertain terms what she thinks of you. Celestia, as a rule, is more subtle, and in a way a lot more scary, as I’ve said many times before. She would keep her calm demeanour, never so much as raising her voice while she verbally eviscerated you and made you feel as if you were an inch tall.

Today though, it seemed, she had finally run out of patience.

“Do you have any idea of the trouble you have caused me?!” she bellowed in a deep voice that felt as if it shook the castle walls. “I had to send my own advisor to retrieve you, because your disgraceful behaviour had made the griffons unwilling to even accept a pony being sent to retrieve you!”

Neither guard said anything, both wishing no doubt, that the floor would open up and swallow them.

“You have brought shame on your country and the Royal Guard! But worse than that, you brought the same on my sister and I! You realise you could have been hanged?! And for what, some foalish sense of pride in a backstreet birdbrain drinking pit?!”

Celestia does have quite the flair for language when she chooses to. She swears very well too, in several languages. Luna now stepped in.

“And that’s not even counting the political fallout,” she added furiously. “The griffons are considering abandoning the officer exchange program because of this incident. Combined with the incident at Twilight Sparkle’s school, griffons are now starting to view ponies as uncivilised, xenophobic brutes. All because you couldn’t accept it when you were cut off and should have crawled home.”

Sand Dune now desperately tried to make excuses, quite possibly regretting coming back to Equestria.

“Princesses,” he said lamely, in a very subdued voice. “We didn’t mean for...” Celestia cut him off.

“QUIET!” she roared, making both guards start in fright and shiver in abject fear.

The normally serene alicorn snorted in disgust. She glared at the two cowering morons a few moments longer, before her usual calm nature reasserted itself. Luna now passed judgement on the younger and more junior guard.

“Silver Cloud,” she said sternly. “Ordinarily, I would submit you to the Gauntlet until your white hide turned red with your blood. But sister tells me that such practices are no longer permitted in the guard. So we shall settle for softer tactics. You are hereby placed on continuous watch for the next thirty six hours, and you will send reports to me personally, on the hour, every hour. In addition, you will forfeit one month’s pay and shall be stripped of all privileges for sixty days. And if I catch you sleeping on watch, I shall have that doubled. Do I make myself clear?”

“Y...ye...yes...pr...prin...princess,” Silver Cloud stuttered desperately. Luna was unmoved.

“Then why are you still here?” she asked coldly, her tone acidic. “To your post, whelp!”

Silver Cloud quickly took flight, all but flying out of the room to take up his post. It would be a challenge for anypony to manage thirty six hours, but I didn’t think for a moment that Luna’s threat to double it was an idle one.

“Now,” Celestia went on, turning her ire towards Sand Dune. “What do we do with you, Sand Dune? It has become abundantly clear to me from reading your file, and seeing the number of reprimands on your record, that simple loss of earnings and privileges are not going to get through to you. So let us try something a little more emphatic.

“I wish for you to relay a message to the Provost Sergeant when you go and see him in a moment. You will report to him and say ‘Provost Sergeant. I have not met the standards of behaviour for a member of the Royal Guard.’. And when he asks you why, you will say, ‘Mind your own bucking business’. Understand?”

Sand Dune was stumped by his commander’s odd request. It was actually a very traditional punishment, having badly behaved troops deliver rude messages to get them in trouble. It was certainly never a good idea to piss off the provost sergeant, the only pony the guards feared more than their immortal alicorn rulers.

“Princess?” he asked, actually struggling to avoid laughing at the order he’d been given.

“Do not laugh!” Luna boomed. “This is not a funny matter. Now tell us what you will say!”

“Mind your own bucking business, sergeant.” Celestia smiled.

“Don’t even say sergeant,” she added.

And so, I got to watch a car crash unfold, all from the comfort of my office, which from one window, you could see the parade square, where the guard room (a sort of police station for the regimental police) stood. Celestia declined to come and watch the fireworks she’d lit, but Discord was more than happy to join in, along with Major Hartwin himself, who was eager to see the disgraced guard get what was coming to him. He even brought popcorn for the both of us as we watched from the open window.

Sand Dune marched across the square and reported himself to the provost sergeant, who had a couple of his cronies with him.

“Well? Speak to me!” the sergeant ordered gruffly. “What are you doing here, corporal?” Sand Dune swallowed.

“I am here, because I have not met the standards of behaviour for a member of the Royal Guard,” he said.

“And why is that?” the provost asked. Sand Dune braced himself.

“Mind your own bucking business.”

You could have heard a pin drop across the entire square. For a moment, the look on the provost sergeant’s face was one of complete and total confusion. Surely nopony could be that stupid, right? A moment later though, confusion turned the righteous fury,

“Say that again,” he said quietly. “And say it loud.” Sand Dune did nothing.

“Go on! Bucking say it again!” the provost bellowed.

“Mind your own bucking business!” Sand Dune bellowed back.

“Is that right, Sand Dune?!” he snapped, turning to his subordinates. “We’ve got a bucking comedian here! I’ve never, ever, ever, ever, been told to mind my own bucking business! Of all the ponies, of all the bucking ponies in this castle, you have the balls to tell me to mind my own bucking business!”

While the shouting was intended to invoke fear, and it did, it also invoked the response of causing Sand Dune to grin and giggle in fright. That didn’t help his case as the provost barked orders to his men.

“Are you bucking laughing at me? That’s it! Gentlecolts, we have a crucifixion!”

“Ooh, this is gonna be good,” Discord said, revelling in the disharmony. Hartwin too seemed to be taking some measure of enjoyment at his tormentor’s plight. I, on the other hoof, couldn’t help but feel sorry for the idiot, since I knew precisely what crucifixion was. They weren’t going to nail him to anything, if that’s what you’re worried about.

Two of the provost sergeant’s men fetched three steel drums from a storage shed. Two were placed alongside Sand Dune, and one behind him. He was ordered to climb up onto them, putting his hind hooves on the single drum at the back, and putting a wing on each one at his side. His forelegs dangled in the air as he held himself in the pegasi equivalent of a press up. Painful enough on its own, but the provost was about to make it so much worse.

“Alright you two,” he said. “Start moving those drums apart.”

The two guards slowly pulled them drums further and further away, making it that much harder for Sand Dune to hold himself up. In short order, he went from slight pain to absolute agony. His face turned red and his wings began to shake as they struggled to hold his weight.

“Back off, lads, back off,” the provost ordered. “Let him suffer it, let him suffer it.”

Sweat was now pouring down Sand Dune’s hide as the provost lectured him further.

“This is crucifixion!” he said. “You let all those little buggers in your section know, that nopony comes down to the guard room and tells me to mind my own bucking business! Do you understand?”

“Sergeant!” Sand Dune shouted back.

“It is not right to tell the provost sergeant to mind his own bucking business, is it?”

“Sergeant!”

Are you sure you understand?!”

“Sergeant!”

“Tell me properly, do you bucking understand?!”

“SERGEANT!”

Finally, the provost relented.

“Get off my bucking drums, you miserable feather duster, and put them back over there!”

Sand Dune gratefully let himself down and, with still shaking limbs, carried the drums back behind the shed. The provost let him go after that. Message received, loud and clear I think. Hartwin certainly seemed to agree and he was happy to let the matter lie with no further action. His subsequent report to his government resulted in the same reaction from the Griffon authorities.

And so, another little diplomatic crisis was averted and I had another case under my belt. While he will never be a model guard, I can say that, since that day, Sand Dune hasn’t found himself in front of the provost again.

Now if only I’d been allowed to do the same thing for my next case.

Chapter 21 - Deadbeat Dad

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What can I say about Sludge that hasn’t already been said? He is a fat, useless, incompetent, lying sack of shit. And that’s me being particularly polite about it. The guy not only tried to go and mooch off of Spike and Twilight, but in order to keep up his new easy life, he actually pretended to be Spike’s father. You know, Spike, the young orphan who’s currently at that critical crossroads of life, and is doing his best to establish his own identity and figure out his place in the world? He should consider himself damned lucky he didn’t leave the poor young drake with serious mental scars.

Now, I can assure you, little would give me greater pleasure than to find him in a dark alley, and kick his head in. But I am not the only one who was out for his blood when it came to light what he’d done. Let’s take a moment and look over all the ponies and other creatures who consider Spike a friend.

Well, first of all, you have all four alicorn princess. Then there’s the reigning Dragon Lord. After that you have the ruler of the Changelings. Then there’s the entire population of the Crystal Empire, including Shining Armor, of course. Closer to home you have Discord, Big Mac, the Cutie Mark Crusaders not to mention Bones, myself and pretty much everypony else in town. There’s at least one near omnipotent demigod on that list, plus two nigh immortal alicorns that are capable of moving celestial bodies at will. In short, he has quite the list of people in his corner, who take a dim view of somepony screwing with him like that.

Now, naturally, after Sludge was exposed for the lying bastard he was, and found to be something less than the ideal dragon, contrary to what Spike had been taught to believe, he had promptly left Ponyville to avoid violent reprisals. Spike himself was actually quite forgiving, letting his more pony side shine through, mixed with the nobility of a true dragon. He had no desire to do anything further. Don’t get me wrong, he was hurting inside, but his friends and adopted family rallied around him.

Me though, while more than happy to comfort him, I was rather keen on getting Sludge over a barrel. Bones meanwhile declared he had a right to vengeance, and plotted to track down Sludge, cut out his heart, and eat it in front of him in the true Klingon style in retaliation for his dishonourable actions. I’m honestly not sure if he was serious.

What was serious though was the reaction of two key players; Celestia and Discord. Now, for Celestia, major events like Spike possibly reuniting with his father didn’t take long to reach her ears, particularly when Spike sent her a letter using his flame breath to tell her what had happened. He kept it fairly short and to the point, making it more like one of Twilight’s old friendship reports. As painful as the events had been, it had taught him a great deal about his own identity. Celestia however, while not as visceral in her reaction as some, was left beyond furious.

“I want his head on a platter!” she exclaimed in the Royal Canterlot Voice. “I’ll throw him in a dungeon until he rots! No, actually, I’ll put him in a dungeon until the dungeon rots on top of him. And then I’ll move him to a new dungeon and let that rot on top of him! I’ll…”

After all, given that Twilight hatched Spike when she herself was just a filly, Celestia had spent a good portion of Spike’s early life looking after him, and considered him something of a son. I did my best to calm her down as wisps of what looked like flames appeared in her usual multicolour mane.

“Tia! Easy!” I said desperately. “If you want to get Sludge, you’ve got to do it the right way. Get him extradited to Equestria. Have him brought up on fraud charges.” That seemed to placate her, and she returned to her usual serene self.

So, she took out her quill and dropped Dragon Lord Ember a line. In short, she demanded Sludge, or at the very least 51% of his carcass to be extradited back to Equestria. She told Ember in no uncertain terms exactly what Sludge had done to Spike and what she planned to do about it.

Ember’s response was almost immediate. She had every available dragon out looking for him, with instructions to bring him to her as soon as possible. Like Celestia, she was beyond furious. Unlike Celestia though, she was more than happy to let her rage show in full force. You’d never know it looking at her, but having known Tia as long as I have, I could see the fire in her eyes, even now that she’d calmed down. I would even wager that Daybreaker, that twisted alter ego, was weighing in on the discussion.

But what was the point of all this? Sludge might have been a liar and a coward, and a sorry excuse for a dragon, but on the surface, he had committed no crime. Well, you see, that’s where you’re wrong. He had broken the law; he’d committed fraud by false representation. He’d pretended to be Spike’s father in order to lean on Twilight’s hospitality and essentially mooch off of her and Spike. That was a gain obtained through fraud, thus the offence itself.

Now, normally, given, in the grand scheme of things, how low a value the deception was, the matter would normally be passed down to the courts at a more local level. But Celestia has the authority to bring any case, no matter how trivial, up to the level of Day Court. And that was precisely what she planned on doing.

“So what are you planning, Tia?” I asked carefully, once her anger seemed to have fully cooled. “I take it you’re not going to send him down to the Provost Sergeant?” Celestia smiled as she turned to me.

“No, but you’re on the right track, my advisor,” she replied cryptically. “You know how much I value restorative justice.”

Ah, yes. Celestia would always rather you work off your crime that go to jail or pay a fine. But what precisely she planned to do with Sludge, she was keeping close to her chest.

“Well, I’m sure that’s much more than what Ember will be offering,” I replied. “Do you think we’ll have any trouble getting him back here?” Celestia shook her head.

“I think, given the choice between angry Dragon Lord, and angry alicorn,” she said. “He will much rather take his chances with me.”

It was then that one of the other key ponies who might want to chip in their two bits on this whole matter sprang to mind. Well, I say pony…

“What do you think Discord is going to make of all this?” I asked. Celestia started as the same thought crossed her mind.

Discord, for all his misanthropy and cynicism, is very good friends with Spike. The pair have bonded over their Guys Night escapades, with Discord becoming very protective of the little dragon. It’s one of his best qualities brought on by his reformation really. If you mess with his friends, he’ll do all he can to help them. Only problem is that sometimes his ‘help’ can verge on the homicidal. And it was this that worried me. What happens if angry draconequus gets his paw and talon on Sludge before angry dragon or angry pony? Celestia seemed to think along the same lines.

“I fear he may try to take matters into his own hooves,” she said, with no small amount of concern in her voice.

“And why would I do that?” Discord asked, having seemingly appeared from nowhere behind Celestia’s throne. Both me and Tia briefly jumped in fright. Discord did not look in the best of moods.

“Please tell me you haven’t done anything, old man,” I pleaded. Discord held his paw and talon up.

“No, my dear boy, no, of course not,” he replied. “Well, at least not yet.” I tried to slow him down before he got started.

“Look, Spike is fine. Celestia is going to deal with this. Promise me you won’t do anything stupid, okay?” Discord smiled, and not in a nice way. He was doing his best to hide his anger.

“Roger,” he replied. “You know I respect you, and Sunbutt over here. But I think it would be best for all concerned if I dealt with Sludge. I won’t do anything serious, just have a little chat.” I frowned.

“Discord. The last time you had ‘a little chat’ with anypony, the pony in question needed eighteen months of psychological counselling. We both know you don’t need your magic to mess somepony, or some dragon, up.” Discord folded his arms and thought for a moment.

“Alright then,” he said. “How about we have a little race? Whoever gets to Sludge first gets dibs. If you get him, I’ll leave him alone. If I get him, I’ll deliver him here, intact and unharmed, more or less.”

Before I could reply and tell him no, he’d snapped his talons and was engulfed in a flash of light. A moment later he reappeared, this time as what looked like a foxhound. Blowing a hunting horn, he set of a horrible baying and charged out of the throne room, causing everypony in his way to scatter.

“Well, Tia,” I said, turning to my equally alarmed employer. “Looks like we’ve got a good old fashioned manhunt on our hands.”

Not long after Discord left, we heard from Ember that she’d found Sludge. He was more than willing to come back to Equestria for the foreseeable future. It turns out dragons don’t much care for liars, or lazy slobs. He was apparently now flying back eastward, crossing the southern ocean from the Dragon Lands back to Equestria. Celestia dispatched a few guards to try and locate him before Discord did. I on the other hand, had a different plan in mind.

“Why don’t I head back down to Ponyville?” I suggested. “I can go and see Fluttershy. With any luck, she’ll be able to get him to calm down. Maybe we can rope Spike in too. You of all ponies know she’s the only one who really has any power over him.”

“That might be a good idea,” Celestia agreed. “Fluttershy has always been gifted when it comes to calming Discord down, and as he thinks he's standing up for Spike, talking to him might help as well.” I prepared to leave to head to the train station.

“Right then,” I said, turning to leave. “I’ll head down to the station. If I run I can make the half one train.” Celestia now smiled.

“I think I might be able to offer a quicker solution,” she said, powering up her horn.

And with that, the two of us vanished in a teleport. A moment later, we reappeared just outside Fluttershy’s cottage. Teleports have never entirely agreed with me, but in contrast to Discord’s variant, Celestia gave me a smooth ride, and aside from a bit of roomspin, I emerged none the worse for wear.

It was quite the surreal sight; Princess Celestia and one of her advisors going to pay call on a little cottage on the edge of the woods. Given her status, you usually go to the princess, not the other way around. Knocking on the door, we were greeted a moment later by Angel, Fluttershy’s pet rabbit and avatar of pure evil. If it isn’t Fluttershy, he hates it. I swear, he’s more like a cat than a rabbit.

The little fluffy ball of nastiness regarded both immortal alicorn and dimension hopping human with equal indifference, before hopping off to fetch his owner. A moment later, Fluttershy appeared. Her eyes went wide as she saw the two of us, promptly offering a quick bow at the sight of Celestia.

“Oh my! Princess Celestia!” she exclaimed in surprise. “What are you doing here?” Celestia was quick to calm the startled Fluttershy. I just struggled not to be overcome by the adorableness.

“We need your help, Fluttershy,” the alicorn said. “It’s about Discord.” Fluttershy now gave us her full attention as Angel hoped up on her back and continued to stare at us with a look that says his disgust is too deep for words.

“Is this about Spike and Sludge?” she asked. Celestia nodded as I explained.

“I’m having Sludge extradited back to Equestria at Celestia’s request,” I explained. “But Discord has rather got it into his head to go off on some mad scheme to punish Sludge himself. And you know what he can be like once his temper’s up.”

Fluttershy nodded, remembering how he almost threw her friend Treehugger (who I know for certain is somehow growing and smoking whacky baccy in this land of children’s cartoon horses) into a twisted sock puppet dimension.

“I’ve tried to talk him down,” I went on. “But you know how stubborn he can be. We were hoping you might be able to help calm him down.”

Fluttershy thought for a moment. She’s not the most confident girl around. After all, she wasn’t too sure about even reforming Discord in the first place when Celestia gave her the assignment. Still, after a moment, she showed some resolve and looked up from her hooves again.

“I can certainly try,” she promised. “Today’s the day Discord and I have our tea parties anyway. He’s never missed one the entire time I’ve known him. I’ll bet he’ll how up here this afternoon. I’ll talk to him then.”

That was pretty much all we could do. If Discord doesn’t want to be found, you weren’t going to find him. Even Celestia, with all her powerful magic and knowledge couldn’t even guess at where he might be. But since he hadn’t come back with Sludge’s severed head, he obviously hadn’t found him. So there was little to do but wait.

And so the pair of us returned back to Canterlot by the same way we had come. I’m starting to think it isn’t teleports per se that make me lose my lunch, I think it must have something to do with Discord’s magic. As before, Celestia’s teleportation spell did little to bother me, apart from a moment of unsteadiness that quickly passed. Who knows, knowing Discord, there’s a good chance he does it solely to mess with me. Or it could be a by-product of his chaos magic. He might be a jackass at times, and teleport me about when it suits him, but I doubt he causes me to feel unwell on purpose.

Reappearing back in the throne room, Celestia returned to her seat, with me joining her atop the dais. We’d done all we could to deal with Discord, at least for the moment. So instead, she turned her attention back to Sludge and his punishment.

“What are the sentencing guidelines for fraud by false representation, Roger?” she asked me as she sat down. I thought for a moment as I recalled the relevant information.

“Depends on the value obtained by fraud,” I replied. “Anything over a five hundred bits warrants jail time. Below that, you’re looking at fines and community service.” Celestia frowned.

“I think Sludge deserves a bit more than that, don’t you?” she asked.

Now see, here’s an advantage of being an absolutist ruler. If you don’t like the law, you just change it, and nopony stops you. Once again, I couldn’t help but be reminded of Daybreaker; Celestia if one day, she just stopped caring. As it turned out though, Celestia had something a little different in mind.

“I take it that, while he facing criminal charges, he may also be subject to a civil suit?”

“You want to sue Sludge, Tia?” I asked, a smile forming. The alicorn nodded.

“Just enough to make sure there’s no way he can possibly repay it,” she replied.

Now, just for the record, I abhor ambulance chasers. They are a cancer in the legal profession, creatures that live on the pain, misery and suffering of other. However, that wasn’t going to stop me from setting up a case to take Sludge to the cleaners.

“Well, let’s see,” I said, slowly compiling a list of possible avenues for compensation. “First of all, there’s the emotional distress caused by hearing what Sludge had done to Spike, then there’s punitive damages, my own legal costs, of course, and let’s not forget the fees payable by the losing side when a civil case is escalated to Day Court. So I’d say I can reasonably ask for somewhere in the region of...sixteen thousand bits, or thereabouts.”

“Excellent,” Tia replied with a cunning smile. “I’d like you to begin drafting the application right away.” I prepared to head back to my office, but turned and paused at the opened double doors.

“Mind telling me exactly why you want to drain a deadbeat’s bank account?” I asked. “It’s not like you’re going to notice the funds in your coffers.”

“Tell me, my advisor,” Celestia said, sitting up taller in her throne. “What happens when a pony, or dragon, is ordered by the courts to pay monies over to somepony and doesn’t.”

“The court or the claimant can instruct bailiffs, and eventually High Court Sheriffs to recover the debt, through assets if need be.”

“And if the defendant has no assets of value?” Ah, now I saw where she was going.

“Then the law falls back on very old customs; debtor's prison and penal servitude, until such a time as the debt is cleared.” That’s right folks, Equestria still has slavery, it’s just really, really hard to get.

Okay, technically, it wasn’t slavery in the true sense of the word. It was a way somepony with no funds or assets could repay a debt; through labour. Celestia now fully revealed her master plan.

“And I believe Proper Place has been looking to hire a new janitor this past week, has he not?”

“Indeed he has, Tia,” I said with a smile.

And with that, I returned to my office. Sludge was in for quite the mound of paperwork if and when he got here. Criminal charges and now a civil case to answer. He’d really kicked the hornet’s nest.

That afternoon after I returned home from work, still not having heard from Discord. There’d also been no sign of Sludge. Celestia, in the meantime, had gotten bored of waiting, and wanted the matter settled before she was forced to hand things off to Luna who was also...shall we ‘terrifyingly angry’ at Sludge and anypony else foolish enough to catch her attention.

I was still deeply concerned what my friend might do. He wouldn’t kill him, I was fairly sure of that. But there was a good chance that Sludge would wish he was dead by the time it was all over. It was as I was pondering whether or not it might soon be Discord in the dock rather than Sludge, when there was a knock at the door.

“I’ll get it,” I called to Margaret, who was in the next room marking homework.

Heading into the hall, I opened the front door and was pleased to see my son standing on the stoop. He looked up at me, pushing the brim of his cowboy hat back a little on his head.

“Hey, Dad,” he said in that soft drawl of his. “Ah’m here ‘bout Sludge. Was wonderin’ if y’all had heard anythin’ up in Canterlot.” I nodded and explained what had happened when word reached Celestia.

“Oh, you should have seen it, Bones,” I replied, shaking my head as I invited him in. “I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I’ve seen Celestia that pissed off.”

“Makes sense,” Bones agreed. “She’s known Spike as long as Twilight. He’s just as much her adoptive son as Twilight’s her daughter. So, is there anything you can do against Sludge?”

Ah, looks like Bones had been thinking along the same lines as me.

“I’ve already got something in the works, Bones,” I explained. “Like I said, Celestia was absolutely furious about what had happened. She sent a message to the Dragon Lord demanding, and I do mean demanding, a meeting. Apparently, Celestia wants to haul Sludge back across the border and extradite him to Equestria.”

“What does she want to do?” Bones asked curiously, tilting his head to one side. “Ya can’t put a dragon on trial for just lying and being an asshole.”

“No, but you can do him for fraud by false representation,” I replied. “And the princess isn’t trying to charge him as a criminal, she’s served civil papers on him. According to the writ from the court, Sludge now owes Spike 15,780 bits in compensation and court costs for misrepresenting himself to him. And since he’s got no assets to seize over here, or in the Dragon Lands and so no way to pay it, Celestia’s offered a deal for him to pay off his debt by working in the castle.”

“So that’s what she’s going to tell Dragon Lord Ember?” he asked. I nodded.

“Pretty much,” I said. “From what I understand, the dragons ought to take a pretty dim view of this bugger as well. They may be a little different from ponies here and there, but they don’t much care for lying, Bones. And of course, you’ve got to remember that little Spike is good friends with Ember herself. I wouldn’t be surprised if she wasn’t as cheesed off as Celestia.”

“Well, it’s good to see that that no good sidewinder is gonna get his,” Bones agreed with pleased expression. “Ah hate to see Spike taken advantage of like that.” I barked out a laugh. Bones always did like to put himself in the centre of things.

“Bones, I think you forget just how many friends Spike has,” I replied. "In addition to Celestia, Luna’s pretty mad too, as is Cadance and the entire Crystal Empire. Then there’s Ember, and of course old Thorax up in the Changeling Kingdom. And let’s not forget his friends that all meet up for his O&O games.” Bones now took on a more concerned expression as he came to the same conclusion I did.

“How...how did Discord take this anyhow?” he asked, sounding somewhat nervous. I rubbed the back of my neck as I recalled his reaction.

“Oh, you wouldn’t believe it, Bones,” I answered. “All I’ll say is I hope some other creature finds Sludge first. He heard what had happened, as he always seems to, and he was baying for the dragon’s blood. Literally too; the idiot turned himself into a foxhound and ran, baying, down the mountain and off toward the Dragon Lands.” Bones now went from unnerved to alarmed.

“Jesus, didn’t you try to stop him or something? Y’all know what Discord can be like. For pony’s sake he almost threw Treehugger into a dimensional portal just because he got a mite jealous. Celestia know what he’ll do to somecreature that hurt his friend.”

“I warned Fluttershy about it as soon as I could. She’s the only one who can really get him under control,” I replied a little defensively.

“Come on, Dad. You’re his best friend!” Bones persisted, channelling his inner Twilight Sparkle. I sighed.

“Alright, I’ll try something,” I said. There was no harm in trying again to talk him round. Now let’s see if he’s still listening.

“Discord!” I called out loudly.

Silence held for a few moments before Discord appeared in a flash of magic. What I saw didn’t fill me with hope. He was dressed like some 19^th century explorer wandering about darkest Africa, and had a Blunderbuss in his paw and talon. He still had that same mad look in his eye too.

“Roger!” Discord said, a false smile appearing on his face. He then turned to my son. “And Bones too. I hate to do this to you, but I’m in a bit of a rush right now. Is there any chance I can stop by later?” I waded in to try and calm him down. Maybe the passage time would have cooled his temper.

“I just wanted to ask you about Sludge, Discord,” I said calmly. Discord faux happy expression now darkened to something that genuinely scared me, reminding me that this was a near omnipotent chaos spirit I was talking to, in addition to my best friend.

“Oh? What about him?” I folded my arms.

“Have you found him yet?” Discord now smiled again.

As a matter of fact, yes I have,” he replied. Oh God. That wasn’t the half of it though.

“And actually, you could lend me a hand if I could borrow some of your things.” Snapping his talons, he magicked up a list and a pair of reading glasses.

“Let’s see. I need a chair, a few rolls of duct tape, a stereo player, a copy of a Stealers Wheels ‘Stuck in the Middle with You’ single, a straight razor, a jerry can of petrol, a cigarette lighter, and some place where nopony will be bothered by incessant screaming, or small fires.”

Why, oh why, did I ever let him watch Reservoir Dogs? Evidently Fluttershy hadn’t had much luck getting through to him either.

“Discord, no!” I said sharply, like I was scolding one of the kids when they were little. “Removing ears is not going to solve anything. And I’m not having you end up in the dock charged with Equestria’s first ever murder. Tia’s going to handle this. Trust me, Sludge will get his soon enough.”

Now it was Discord’s turn to fold his arms and throw me an incredulous look.

“Really?” Discord asked, raising an eyebrow. “She’s actually going to punish him, or is she just going to give him a slap on the wrist like that unstable unicorn that hangs around Twilight?”

“She’s actually going to punish him,” I reassured. And she was, only it was going to be a little more proportionate that Discord’s brand of vigilante justice.

Discord mulled that over for a moment. While Celestia can’t necessarily control him, I know that he does have a quiet respect for her, behind all his tricks and occasional flirting. He was genuinely sorry after the whole Tirek incident if those flowers were anything to go by. He also seemed to have calmed down from the state of barely contained rage I’d seen earlier.

Seeing that he was now in two minds, Bones now joined in to offer his two bits.

“Besides, what will beatin’ the tar out of Sludge do anyway?” he asked the draconequus. “It ain’t gonna undo what he did to Spike.”

Discord pondered that, and sensing that he was winning him over, Bones continued.

“Spike said it himself; even if he never finds his real parents, he’s got loads of ponies, and all sorts of other creatures, that love him just as much.”

Discord thought for a moment longer before coming to a decision. Snapping his talons, he removed his hunting garb and returned to being the mismatched nutjob I was familiar with.

“Perhaps the two of you are right,” he conceded. “Besides, that fat slob isn’t really worth my time anyway.” I restrained myself from letting out a sigh of relief at that. Like I said, the last thing I wanted was to see Discord end up on the wrong side of the law because of a dragon like Sludge.

Having calmed the storm, Discord announced his intention to go and see Fluttershy again and tell her that he’d called off his dragon hunt. With that, he disappeared with a flash and pop.

And so, with Discord no longer interfering, Sludge safely arrived in Canterlot early the next morning. I was there to greet him, and serve papers on him. As he landed, or more like crashed if you ask me, since he didn’t seem a particularly talented flyer, I walked over and introduced myself.

“Sludge the Dragon,” I said in an official tone as two guards joined me. “By special command of Her Grand Royal Highness Princess Celestia of Equestria, I do hereby place you under arrest on a charge of committing fraud by false representation.”

The two guards moved to arrest him, putting on a pair of hoofcuffs and Mirandized him. It might be personal for me, Celestia, and a bunch of other ponies, but I was still going to ensure the twit underwent due process. Having completed the criminal charges, I moved onto the civil charges.

“Furthermore, I hereby serve notice in relation to a separate civil action against yourself on behalf of Princess Celestia. Sign here please.”

Sludge, somewhat bewildered, made his mark on the forms, officially accepting the notice of legal action through the civil, rather than criminal, court. That was my job done for the moment. Sludge would be remanded in custody for a few hours before the criminal case could be heard and then, depending on the sentence passed, would then either be allowed to go free, or given some sort of restriction by the court.

I won’t bore you too much with what happened next. I wouldn’t call it a show trial; Sludge was given proper legal counsel and all proper procedures were followed, as with any other criminal or civil case. However, the idea of the criminal charges coming back as a not guilty were pretty remote, considering who was overseeing the case in whose court. Celestia had been careful to note her conflict of interest at the start of proceedings, and hence had me act as a check and balance. While I may care for Spike and consider him a friend, I was also going to make sure Celestia didn’t break the law herself. Sludge got a fair hearing; this was Day Court not some damned drumhead trial.

So the criminal case went our way. Sludge was sentenced (remember, he was convicted in his absence, which certainly didn’t help him) to eighteen months community service. It was also noted that he had been further indicted in a civil case, which had also not gone his way. This, given that Celestia was the claimant, had been heard by Luna. And again, I was there to ensure things were fair and impartial. Sludge, as a result of that, was ordered to pay a little less than 16,000 bits in compensation, court fees, and legal costs. As it was clear he had no funds to pay that, no assets to seize and no wages to garnish, it was decided to add a further eighteen months to his existing community service as a form of penal servitude, as enshrined in Equestrian law.

It actually got some attention from the press, since there hadn’t been such a judgement in over fifty years. While it didn’t undo what Sludge had done to Spike, it did, to a degree, make up for it. It fitted with Celestia’s style of leadership; it was fair and proportionate, but at the same time, gave just a touch of retributive justice.

And so, as the months went on, Sludge became something of a common sight around Canterlot Castle. Celestia ‘hired’ him to work as one of many janitors that kept the castle spick and span. The place doesn’t stay the gleaming jewel in Equestria’s crown just by good luck you know. Behind the scenes, this place has a small army of cleaner, janitors, and maintenance ponies that together rival the Royal Guard in numbers. They all work tirelessly behind the scenes to keep Canterlot Castle running smoothly.

Sludge got a role somewhat suited to his ability to fly; cleaning the large stained glass and panoramic windows in the castle. Typically, this was a job for pegasi, or earth ponies or unicorns with window washer’s platform, but Celestia made an exception in assigning him the task. It ensured that she saw him at least once a day in the castle.

As for Discord, he also got some measure of justice, in his own crazy way. While I’d managed to talk him down from committing serious violence or homicide, he was still rather keen to get some measure of payback for Spike. The little dragon had told him time and again at our Guys’ Night meetings that Discord didn’t need to do anything, and while the draconequus praised the baby dragon for taking the moral high ground, he admitted that he was unable to do the same. While it might have been for selfish reasons, I suppose his heart was in the right place.

So he came to a compromise. Instead of doing something drastic that potentially put another case on my desk, he decided to annoy Sludge. He’d pull minor pranks, by his standards anyway, on the hapless dragon; nothing too malicious, just the sort of stuff you’d expect from a six year old. It was certainly low key enough that he could keep doing them without the concern of Sludge having a major psychotic episode. He didn’t keep it up for too long anyway. After a month or so, he got bored of the torment and moved on to other projects.

Finally, Spike was not too seriously effected by the events. He’d heard that Sludge had been brought back but he was...well, he wasn’t apathetic to what was going on, it simply didn’t interest him. As Discord had put it, Spike was indeed taking the moral high ground. Sludge might have been a cheat and a liar, but he was not Spike’s father, and so Spike saw no reason to dwell on what had happened. As far as he was concerned, a dragon scam artist had come to live with him for a couple of weeks. His bond with Twilight was stronger than ever. It also helped him further establish his own identity.

Spike is, after all, rather unique. He has a foot in both worlds, being somewhat a dragon and somewhat a pony, but not quite fully either. But rather than feeling conflicted by that, he’d used it to forge his own identity, combining the strengths of both species to make himself a better person. He really is an old head on young shoulders that lad.

As to the matter of his real parents, if they really were still out there somewhere, that was something that could be discussed another day. He still held out hope to one day meet them and get to know them, and I sincerely hope he does too. I just hope that, wherever they are, they know that he has survived and thrived, despite his circumstances. I think Dragon Lord Ember put it best; Spike was the very model of a true dragon. And that ain’t something you can say about Sludge.

I mean, what kind of name is that anyway?

Chapter 22 - Sociopaths

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It was cold. In all honesty, I expected Equestria’s answer to Hell to be just that little bit warmer. But instead, the place was cold, dark and draughty. It was like a vast network of caves, all connected to each other by narrow passages, bordered on each side by seemingly endless drops. Up above, all you could see was the rock face ceiling and a few stalagmites staring back down at you.

Now, what was I doing here you ask, in Tartarus of all places? Well, I wasn’t here just to make a fuss of Cerberus, although I must admit the giant three headed dog has grown on me over the years. He certainly seems to like me and enjoys having his three heads patted. No, I was here on business. I was here to pay call on one of this place’s nastiest prisoners.

You see, a week ago, Equestria was almost stripped of all its magic. That wasn’t a new emergency, it had almost happened before when Tirek got loose. But this time, instead of taking it for himself, he had been able to siphon it off to a remote location, and then planned to cast is all into the Void. I guess he went down the six year olds’ logic route of ‘if I can’t have it, no one can’. Had he succeeded the world would have lasted...oh… about another week maybe. After all, nopony would be able to move the sun and moon, or control the weather. So you’d have half the planet cooking, the other half freezing, mass starvation that would make Ethiopia look like a minor thing, and the few who survived all that would be ravaged by out of control weather.

This time though, he’d had a bit of a trick up his sleeve. After all, Tirek was locked up down here, in a cage created by the Elements. He wasn’t getting out, even with all the magic gone from this world. So how had he managed to do it? Simple; he’d had help.

Remember that filly, Cozy Glow, I told you about at Twilight’s school? It turns out my odd feelings about her were right on the money. Behind that cute and innocent facade was something I’d not expected to find in Equestria, at least not in a nine year old foal. Still, at least I now knew who pinched those course materials. She had somehow got in contact with Tirek, who’d reinforced her existing warped view of the world and friendship. She’d joined him in his scheme and got it into her head that by getting rid of all magic, she could declare herself Empress of Friendship.

Yeah, that was never gonna fly. Even by the standards of villains here in Equestria, that was never going to work. Twilight and her friends had gone to confront Tirek, and it had been their six students that helped stop Cozy, with the help of the Tree of Harmony. It had used its magic to close the portal to the Void and returned everypony’s magic.

That now left us with a bit of a problem. What to do about this mad little filly? Magic or no, Celestia, Luna, and half the Royal Guard, who thanks to Flash Magnus are finally back up to their old strength, came down from Canterlot to put a stop to her plan. After her plan was exposed for all to see, she was promptly arrested.

That sort of rubbed me the wrong way if I’m honest. I mean, yes she did something terrible, and yes she was an evil little filly, but at the age of nine, she was technically below the age of criminal responsibility. And given that she did seem quite mad, I figured she belonged in a hospital more than anywhere else. The real culprit was surely Tirek. He’d obviously manipulated a vulnerable child into doing his bidding.

It was this that brought me down to Tartarus. The place was a whole lot busier than when I last came down here. Celestia has gone on quite the spree of late. Whereas before the place had been fairly quiet, now you had several dozen cages set up, holding beasties like hydras, cockatrices, and even that bugbear that SMILE had been dealing with (yes I know about ‘Bon Bon’ and who she really is). But beyond them, situated on his old little island of sorts, was Tirek, still in his cage. In addition to his plan not foreseeing the six students, he also didn’t plan for Pinkie Pie. See, he planed to use the lack of magic to trap the six ponies in Tartarus with him, having seemingly resigned himself to the fact that he wasn’t getting out. A sort of scorched earth policy. Cozy would help him remove all the magic and then he could sit back and watch the world end. Pinkie though, pulled the old ‘I’m not locked in here with you, you’re locked in here with me’ line on him, that promptly changed his mind.

He certainly wouldn’t be going anywhere any time soon. That little stunt had killed any surviving notions of possibly reforming Tirek. He was going to be in here for a long old time.

But before that got started, I needed a word with him. It seemed simply locking him up hadn’t deterred him in the slightest. So I was going to try a little negative reinforcement. And beyond that, if I could learn how he and Cozy came into contact, so much the better. Maybe then we could do something about undoing the damage he’d done to her.

But I won’t hide behind flimsy rationalisations; I was also here for a spot of revenge. The last time we’d spoken, Tirek had told me that when he got loose, the first thing he’d do was take the magic of my children. I’d politely told him that I’d kill him if he tried it. Evidently words weren’t enough, so I was going to provide him with a more emphatic response. Nopony, and no creature lays a hair on my children's heads and gets away with it. Turns out I still had some useful skills from my days with the volunteers.

As I walked along the narrow winding path and Tirek’s cell came into view, I sung an old jaunty tune that seemed appropriate, given the circumstances.

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
If you think we’re on the run?
We are the boys who will stop your little game,
We are the boys who will make you think again.
Cause who do you think you are kidding Mr Hitler,
If you think old England’s done?

Tirek however, wasn’t a fan of Dad’s Army. Further evidence if you ask me, that he’s absolutely and utterly evil and incapable of reformation. Staring through the bars at me, it looked as thought he was trying to use what little magic he still had to vaporise me.

“Must you persist with that infernal singing?” he asked in his rasping voice. “It’s bad enough being stuck down here.”

“Oh, I can’t help it, Tirek,” I replied with a smile. “I’m in such a good mood. I’ve come all the way down here just to see you.” Tirek folded his withered arms.

“To gloat no doubt,” he sneered. Now I dropped the happy facade, letting out a dark chuckle.

“No, Tirek,” I answered with a smile. “I’m here because of what I said to you the last time we met. You hurt my children, and that really upsets me.”

Tirek retreated a little in his cell as I fished out the rusty iron key that unlocked the door at the front of his cage. Stepping inside and being careful to close it behind me, I watched as he retreated further, right to the opposite corner of the cell. I slowly walked towards him.

“If I remember correctly,” I said. “You said ‘One day, I will get out of here. And when I do, your children will be the first to fall.’. And do you remember what I said?”

The gap between us was now almost non-existent. Tirek was pressing himself up against the bars and I was using my full height advantage to loom over him.

“Get...get away from me!” he rasped fearfully. Like most villains and school yard bullies, Tirek wasn't much of a fighter unless he had an unfair advantage. And he didn’t seem to like the shoe being on the other foot. I showed him no mercy as I leaned in close.

“And I said,” I went on, leaning down, and wrapping a hand around his scrawny neck. “’You touch then, and I’ll snap your neck’. So what do you think I’m here to do?” Tirek was now deeply frightened.

“I...I never touched your foals!” he wailed desperately. “I wasn’t even the one stealing their magic, it was that wretched Cozy Glow doing it. I never even got out of my cell! I never laid a finger on either of them!”

And with that, with the most evil centaur in the land about to wet himself from fear, I relented, my hand stopping just a hair’s breadth away from his neck. Standing back up to my full height, I backed off a little.

“Well, that is true,” I admitted, my tone now becoming a little more understanding.” You didn’t hurt them yourself. And, while I have no doubt you intended to kill me too at some point, revenge is not really an idea we promote on my planet.”

I turned away for the briefest moment as I said that. If he’d kept quiet, I might have let things lie. But Tirek is an egotistical maniac amongst other things, and he always has to have the last word.

“Ha, I knew it!” he declared with sudden confidence as he sensed what he thought was weakness. “You humans claim to be different from ponies, but you’re just like them; soft and weak and...”

Yeah, that’s enough I think.

Rounding on him, I quickly closed the distance between us and grabbed Tirek roughly with both hands. He was fairly light due to his emaciated state, so it wasn’t too much of a chore to lift him up onto his hind legs, making the two of us roughly equal in height, our faces mere inches apart. And due to his unusual body shape, he had no leverage to use against me. I leaned in close and said;

“But we’re not on my planet, are we?” Tirek’s eye went wide as he realised what was about to happen.

And with that, I pulled my one leg back and kicked as if I was trying to score a penalty in the World Cup final. Only I was aiming for quite a different ball, or balls. Turns out centaurs also don’t like being punted in the wedding vegetables.

Tirek let out a strangled cry of pain, now noticeably higher in pitch than before, and once I released him from my grip, he promptly collapsed to the floor.

Unfortunately for him, I was only just getting started. Time to fall back on old habits.

As he collapsed onto his hide on the cell floor, I took the opportunity to get another couple of kicks in around the stomach. His four legs had cured up into something approximate to the foetal position, and he was smart enough to try and protect his head, but not his gut. That knocked the wind out of him even more. Vainly, he tried to get up to put up some sort of fight or defence, but I kept on him, kicking him back down again a few times.

After that, I grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him up. Bending down slightly, I switched from kicking to punching, or rather, pummelling. I got a few good strikes in on the face. A little bit harder and I’d probably fetched out a couple of teeth or done some damage to his orbital bone.

Eventually, I let up on my unprovoked assault, and let him go. He crumpled back to the floor with a low groan of pain. Blood was streaming from his nose and mouth, and he was gonna have more than a few bruises in another couple of hours. I probably would too. My right hand hurt like a bastard; more than once I’d connected with his stupid nose ring. I figured my hand would be sore for a day or so. Getting on my knees, I grabbed his jaw in my free hand and forced him to look at me.

“Tirek,” I snarled. “I once kicked a man to death for the sake of a twenty pound bet. You do anything to my children, and by God, by the time I’m done with you, you’ll be begging for me to kill you.”

With that, I released him and turned to go. Pausing, I turned around and gave him one more firm kick for good measure. I wasn’t lying either. Back in the mid-70’s, I had indeed kicked a poor soul to death over twenty quid. He was a bookie, dodgy as all hell, but he had himself a nice little side business. I’d had some free time, so me and some friends had put some money on the nags. Turned out though, he was in cahoots with people at the track, fixing the odds to net himself a nice little profit. The fact that he had moved up to Belfast from the Republic was just an excuse. We left his body in a ditch somewhere in County Down for the RUC to find. Only time I killed someone due to greed, rather than sectarianism.

Walking out of his cell, I locked the door behind me. He was battered six ways from Sunday, but he’d live. Perhaps now he’d be in a more talkative mood.

I got a bit of information out of him. What the spell was, how he’d gotten in contact with Cozy, as well as a few other interesting details. It seemed he and the little filly had ‘met’ before she ever came to Twilight’s school. She was a plant from minute one. It certainly explained both her odd behaviour and why she seemed to eager to ingratiate herself with Twilight. It gave her the access she needed to all the artifacts for Tirek’s plan.

Still, Tirek was of little interest to me. Now that I’d had a chance to take out my frustrations on him, I had bigger fish to fry. Or smaller, now that I think about it.

Stepping back through the portal, I found myself once again back in my office. There’s two ways to get into Tartarus. Either you can go in through the big double doors that need magical artifacts to open, doors I might add, which close behind you, or you can do what I did and open up a portal to the place.

Well, I say I, as a human I have no magic. Luckily for me, I have a best friend who also hates Tirek’s guts, and had absolutely no qualms in getting me in there to give him a good kicking. Discord smiled as he snapped his talons, closing the portal behind me as I stepped through.

“Better?” he asked curiously.

“I suppose so,” I replied with a nod. “I got a bit out of him. And I certainly don’t think he’ll be stupid enough to try anything like that again. That boy’s fresh out of ideas. He’s realised that he’s stuck for the rest of his days in a box. Hopefully that little chit chat will convince him it isn’t a good idea to try anything else.”

“Tirek is many things, Roger,” Discord replied. “But he’s not an idiot. Well, not entirely at least. He may well continue to plot and scheme, and if I were you, I’d keep an eye on him.”

“Agreed,” I said. “You okay to bus me down there from time to time?”

“Just call if you need me,” Discord replied. “Although I’m sure Tia or Lulu would be happy to help too.” I frowned to myself.

“Eh, I think it might be best to keep this between us for the moment,” I replied. “Celestia certainly wouldn’t approve of what I just did, justified or not. And you know she put a stop to her old idea of me being being a sort of security guard for that place after Starlight was captured.”

“I know she was more worried about Sombra getting into your head than anything else,” Discord countered.

“Bits to bridles says he’s going to try something else at some point,” I replied. “The guy just doesn’t know when to give up. After all, whatever else you might say, he came pretty close thanks to that filly Cozy.” Discord shook his head.

“I’ve got to admit, that was a new one, even for me,” he replied. “I never suspected the sickeningly cute filly for even a second.” I shook my head as I sat down at my desk and pulled out her case file.

“Ah, I should have figured something was off,” I said ruefully. “From the moment I met her she rubbed me the wrong way. She was too nice, too cute, even by pony standards.”

“No sense beating yourself up, old friend,” Discord replied. “I don’t think anypony suspected just what she was capable of. What are you going to do with her anyway?”

That was the million bit question, wasn’t it? What do you do with an irredeemable nine year old foal, who shows all the classic signs of being a sociopath? She was below the age of criminal responsibility first of all. While aware of her actions and their consequences, in the eyes of the law, she was not capable of understanding the concept of law and order for another year. She technically couldn’t be convicted. But at the same time, she had committed treason, kidnapping, illegal use of outlawed magic, and tried to, you know, overthrow the government and everything.

The big problem though was what set her apart from former villains like Starlight or Discord. They could be reformed. But Cozy had, supposedly, seen the error of her ways several times. She’d been shown the path to good, light, and harmony, and each time she’d discarded it. The Crusaders had tried to help her, the other students had tried to help her, and Twilight and the others had tried. She just had this serious mix up. In her mind, friendship wasn’t magic, it was power; a tool to manipulate others.

The question on everypony’s lips then, was how she came to this conclusion. How did a young filly get so twisted and, dare I say it, evil? That was what I was going to find out. Her conviction was a matter of course, brought on by royal decree of Celestia herself. Given Cozy’s past behaviour, she was taking no chances with reformation this time. But I wanted to know what had gone wrong and where.

So I was going to go and talk to her. Think of it like those behavioural science interviews the FBI did back in the 70’s. I was going to try and understand how Cozy went from just another filly, to one of the most dangerous ponies in Equestria. Somewhere along the line, somepony had to have missed something.

I suppose I’m a little biassed here. Back on Earth, when I was doing my PhD in Law, my dissertation subject was on juvenile offenders, and how early life treatment could potentially lead to a life of crime. Cozy might be nuts now, but I wanted, and hoped to see, if there was a way to undo the damage, or at least identify how it happened.

So, leaving Discord in my office, I set off for the dungeons in the castle’s lower levels.

Cozy was under heavy guard downstairs, more so than any prisoner I’d ever seen in there. The guards were all stationed outside, and under strict orders not to say a word to her or engage her in conversation in any way. She might not have had magic like unicorns, but the filly was clearly a gifted manipulator. All it would take was one slip up, one error of judgement, and she might just get out.

She might only have been a child, but I hadn’t felt this unsettled since I went to speak with Sombra, back when Starlight was still one of the bad guys. The two would probably get along, or kill each other, given how much they had in common. This was like interviewing the two kids from the Bulger murder back home. I was about to go and speak with a little child who, according to the head shrinker had no moral compass, was incapable of empathy or forming any real relationships. A sociopath, to use the correct term. She had no capacity for remorse and operated purely on self interest. But in contrast to psychopaths like Sombra, she was fairly disorganised and prone to violent outbursts. That was how she’d exposed herself in the end; she panicked.

I steeled myself as I had the guard unlock the door. Stepping inside the interview room, the door was just as quickly shut and locked behind me.

The room was a simple affair; plain walls, a single light overhead, a table and two chairs, on one of which sat Cozy.

She was smiling. She was sitting there, looking right at me, and smiling. It seemed to genuine too; not a forced smile to hide anger to fake emotion. She was genuinely smiling at me. I felt like throwing up. She was reading me as much as I was reading her though, so I steeled myself and sat down.

“Hello, Cozy,” I said. “My name is Mr. Owen. I’m Princess Celestia’s legal advisor.”

“I remember you, Mr. Owen,” Cozy replied sweetly. “You came to the school after I stole those course materials on Friendship Studies.” So it was her after all. Still, I was surprised she remembered me.

“I want to talk to you about what you did,” I went on. Cozy shrugged her shoulders.

“I already told everypony everything I know,” she replied. “I told them about Tirek, and how he tricked me; made me think all sorts of mean things about friendship. I just need somepony to help me learn from my mistakes. Only nopony here will talk to me.” She put on a puppy dog expression.

She was good, I’ll give her that. But it was too late in the day to be trying anything like that. She was more than likely just testing me. This was going to be hard.

“That’s not true, Cozy,” I replied simply.

Her reaction was instantaneous. Her demeanour changed from scared little filly to angry ball of evil. Her eyes went from cute and innocent, to glaring daggers at me. She snarled and barred her teeth. I gave her nothing in response.

“You knew what you were doing. You knew it was wrong. You even got help from some of the best experts on friendship in Equestria when they saw what was going on. And you ignored them.”

“I didn’t need them. I don’t need anypony!” Cozy snapped back.

“Why?” I asked, tilting my head to one side.

“Friendship isn’t magic, it’s power,” she replied. “You don’t share power with other ponies.”

“Why do you want power, Cozy?” It was a little odd for a nine year old filly to want to take over Equestria after all.

“Because then I can do what I want,” she answered coldly. “And nopony can stop me.”

Okay, so you had the classic narcissism there. She was deeply egotistical too. Both classic signs of what we now call anti-social personality disorder. I decided to work through a mental checklist, to confirm what I already feared was the case.

“How do you think that made other ponies feel?” I prodded. “What do you think it was like to suddenly lose their magic?” Cozy shrugged indifferently.

“Don’t know, don’t care,” she replied callously.

And there was your lack of empathy or remorse. She couldn’t put herself in anypony else’s shoes. She could only ever see things from her point of view. Hence why she’d struggle with the basic concepts of friendship, since it relies on our ability to empathise with others. She could understand right and wrong, but unlike other ponies, she could just ignore the concepts. Without empathy, she had no moral compass. She operated purely on self-interest. It also explained her relationship with truth.

Another symptom was heightened aggression. Sociopaths, in contrast to psychopaths, tended to be more disorganised. When things went wrong, they’d typically lose their temper, as Cozy had. This short temper was also a hair trigger for violence. Time to push her buttons.

“Don’t care. Now that sums up my opinion of you nicely,” I replied coldly. Cozy sneered at me. “I’ve come across plenty of whack jobs in my time here, including a few who wanted to take over the world. They were always nuts, but you Cozy, you’re special.” I let out a laugh.

“I mean, getting rid of all the magic, and then you somehow crown yourself empress. How was that gonna work? What, you think ponies all over were just going to submit to a stupid little child like you? What were you thinking? Seriously, how dumb are you, Cozy? Is that why you started going to that school, because all the others kicked you out? Maybe we should do an IQ test, see just how dumb you really are.”

That was enough for Cozy. With an angry scream, she launched herself at me. The hoofcuffs under the desk quickly caught her, of course. But my poking had the desired effect. She was livid.

“I’m stupid?!” she screamed at me, still clawing at the air trying to grab me. “You didn’t figure me out for months! Nopony did! I tricked all those stupid ponies and took all the magic in the world! Me! On my own! If it wasn’t for that stupid Tree thing stopping me, I’d have won! If anypony’s stupid, it’s you!”

With that, she calmed down again, her breaths coming in ragged. There was the sociopath. Underneath all the cuteness was something truly evil. It also served as a very nice little confession for her trial a couple of days later.

The meeting also changed my opinion of her markedly. I’d gone in expecting something along the lines of a cult follower. Somepony who’d been brainwashed by Tirek’s nonsense. But this filly hadn’t been brainwashed at all. They were more like kindred spirits. They both had the same world view, independent of one another. Cozy was just as guilty as Tirek was.

And that just plain old sucked. Cozy became Equestria’s first juvenile psychopath diagnosis.

I delivered my report to Celestia, reinforcing what we, sadly, already knew. Cozy was guilty and competent to stand trial. She was sick, yes, but there was no cure. There would be no reformation for her, no hope of redemption. There was only one place for her; Tartarus. Celestia was heartbroken when she signed the order.

The hardest part though had to be telling her parents. I’ve met the parents of child offenders before, both here and back on Earth. It’s never a pleasant experience. Usually, you can see the pattern repeating itself. A kid gets arrested for stealing and doing drugs. He’s never had a job and has no aspirations. Just like his dad, who’s been in and out of prison his whole life. He’s never held a job, and lives off the dole. Just like his dad. You’d see the same cycle generation after generation.

I don’t know what I was expecting meeting Cozy’s parents. I’d hoped that there would be some explanation. Maybe they had a rough marriage, maybe a difficult life. I found myself hoping that her father was being inappropriate with her; anything that would let me point and say ‘here’s what caused it’. I just wanted an explanation as to why a normal little filly turned out the way Cozy had.

But no answer was forthcoming. They were just as confused as we were by her actions. They told us that she’d had some problems from a young age, but they’d hoped sending her to Twilight’s school would help her. Instead it had damned her. We checked them very carefully. They were good parents. They’d done everything right. There was no abuse, no mistreatment, nothing that would cause sociopathic symptoms to manifest in the way they had.

We were faced with an unpleasant truth; she’d always been this way. I interviewed the two of them at length, and slowly, bits and pieces started to tumble out. Cozy had always been different. She had trouble playing with other children. She’d hurt one little colt quite seriously while playing, and thought nothing of it. Her mother had caught her more than once hurting small animals, birds, rabbits and bugs. And then there was the little puppy they’d adopted. They only had it for three weeks when it ‘died’.

Cozy met what we used to call the Dark Triad; three key signs of future violent behaviour; cruelty to animals, bed wetting beyond the age of five, and fire starting. I suppose some of the blame should rest with the parents but...you prepare all you want as a parent, nothing prepares you to confront the idea that your child may be a monster, incapable of love, or remorse.

The matter was hard on everypony. Celestia, while she was the one who made the call to condemn Cozy to Tartarus, was still deeply broken up about it. At the end of the day, we were putting a child, not yet ten years old, in jail for life. She couldn’t even bring herself to go down there, Luna had to do it.

I too was struggling with the mental toll of what had happened. Cops say there’s two cases you remember; the case that makes you, and the case that breaks you. This was the latter. The case that keeps you up at night, that other folks talk about when you walk by, the case you never, ever discuss.

Trying to find some clarity, I made a rather irrational decision. I decided to go and talk to the only other psychopath I knew.

Perhaps Sombra could shed some light.

I wouldn’t call Sombra a friend. In fact he’s probably much better suited to the title of enemy. I first met him a few years ago now, back when Starlight Glimmer first came on my radar as a dangerous foe.

Now I, like all ponies, including Bones, was under the impression that he was dead; blasted into atoms by the light of the Crystal Heart. But apparently, the heart, like the Elements, cannot outright kill something. Sombra was blown apart, but a small part of him, the tip of his peculiar fang shaped horn, to be precise, survived. It went flying off into the wild blue yonder, landing somewhere far outside the Crystal Empire in the icy tundra of the Frozen North.

And it was there that the mad ex-king had slowly begun to regenerate himself. It would have taken decades, even centuries, and more than a good portion of his magic to bring himself back, but it was possible. However, before he could do that, Tirek got loose. When he was defeated by Twilight and the others, a magical wave was sent all across Equestria. It redistributed all the stolen magic. But it also picked up on Sombra and whisked him off to Tartarus. It also partially regenerated him, giving him physical form once more, but with very limited magic.

It was not long after that I’d been introduced to him. Since my job back then had been to keep an eye out for escapees, Sombra was certainly somepony to watch. He’d also been quite useful though in tracking down Starlight. The two of us ended up in quite the war of nerves. Sombra actually tried to use Starlight’s temporal meddling to get free from his prison. That was all undone though when the timeline was restored. And he was once again a prisoner, only now I knew his game.

After that I’d left him there. He wrote me from time to time, including an unsettling Hearth’s Warming card. It was like a pony version of Ed Kemper or something. We had cultivated this odd sort of friendship. We wanted each other dead, but we each had a quiet respect for one another. I’d been to see him a few times since then, but he had been mostly lethargic and not as talkative as he once was. But now, well, if anypony could help explain Cozy, it was him.

Luna was kind enough to create a portal for me this time. She’d been down to Tartarus not too long ago to deliver Cozy to her new cell. I was actually a little uneasy about that. She’d be right next to Tirek, close enough for the two of them to talk. But, what with Celestia’s recent, dare I say purge, of dangerous creatures, Tartarus was getting rather full. Still, they were both in a cage, and this time we were making sure there was no way they could develop any more ‘pen pals’.

The night princess and I made our way along the same route I had taken previously. Instead of following the path to Tirek’s little island though, we bore right into a small cavern of sorts. In contrast to Tirek’s cage, Sombra’s cell was built into the rock face itself, making escape that much more difficult. The whole place had dampening spells on it to prevent him from using his magic to change into his shadowy form and slip through the bars.

I should have realised sooner.

Rounding the corner, Luna and I came into the antechamber that let visitors view Sombra’s cell. Normally, the dark unicorn would be waiting for me, having heard my footsteps with those sensitive ears of his. This time though, he wasn’t. And there was one simple reason for that.

He wasn’t there.

My blood ran cold when I saw the empty cell. Luna checked around carefully to try and locate how or why. The answer soon came to her. When Cozy and Tirek drained all the magic, including magic from artifacts, the spells holding Sombra at bay stopped working. But by the same token, Tartarus was the only thing keeping Sombra alive. Left to his own devices, he would still need to regenerate himself. Stepping out of his cell would be tantamount to suicide.

Maybe that explains why he left a note. It was addressed to me and ran in this way.

My dear Roger,

I assume, if you are reading this, that you have come to seek my counsel on the matter of young Cozy.

I’ve followed with great interest the course of her disgrace and subsequent public shaming. My own never bothered me; apart from the inconvenience of being incarcerated. But I would image such a young child lacks perspective. In our previous discussions, and from what I gleamed from your days as an avant garde freedom fighter, it is apparent that, like dear Luna, the notion of redemption figures largely in your value system. I think that your inability to reform what you hoped was an innocent child saddened you, because it represents yet another weight to lay on the scales tipping against your new life.

Do you imagine it in such a way, I wonder? Is there indeed such a balance? Can you one day undo everything you did to all those innocent people through justice and the Equestrian way? Is that what is worst about poor Cozy? The notion that someone may be born bad, and no matter much they might want to, will always be so? Do you worry the same applies to you, Mr. Rowain?

By the way, I couldn’t help but notice that old Starswirl’s little trinket seems to have taken an interest in me, almost as much as it did with poor Stygian and the once mad Starlight. Is this coincidence, or was it that clever little tree that got you to come down here to look for me? Either way, it is an excellent turn of events. Magic or not, it is time I think to end my sabbatical and return to public life.

I imagine you standing in my old cell, this letter in hand, an astonished look on your face. Is that accurate? Please do tell me, my dear adversary.

Regards

Your old friend

His Most Imperial Majesty, King Sombra, Ruler of the Immortal Crystal Empire.

PS – Now that you know I have broken from my bonds, I have no doubt that you will set yourself the task of recapturing me. Your job is to once again craft my doom. So I’m not sure how well I should wish you. But I know we’re going to have a lot of fun.

- S

“Christ,” I muttered to myself.

Luna and I read and reread the letter in horror. It actually took a bit of work given Sombra’s love for cursive. Still, he was out. From what I understood of magic, there was only one place he could be; the Ether. Somewhat similar to the Void, it was the place where all lost spirits end up, particularity as Sombra had now ‘died’ twice. Even he couldn’t bring himself back from that. He was as dead as Julius Caesar. So why this taunt?

It wouldn’t be long before I found out.

Chapter 23 - Immortal Love

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Understandably, Celestia and Luna were quite unsettled by the news of Sombra’s escape. However, all was not as serious as it first appeared. He had got out, true, but where could he go? Sombra had been brought back from the brink, from a mere fragment of horn by the magical wave of harmony that had swept across Equestria. Alone, he could not survive. The last time he had got out, it was due to Starlight’s meddling in the past. Changing the past, changed the present to where Sombra was alive and well. But simply removing the magic meant that there was nothing to sustain him.

From the moment he stepped out of that cell, he was dead. Luna surmised that, given the circumstances, and that fact that his regeneration left him not quite gone, he would most likely be trapped in the Ether, or the Void. In effect, he’d stepped from one prison to another. But in another way, he had got out, he had ‘escaped’, only his escape was death. Did that make it a suicide? After all, he must have known, being somepony so gifted in the use of dark magic, what would happen. Was that why he’d did it, as one last taunt to us all?

As unsettling as it might be though, to know that a mad lunatic like Sombra was out there, it was somewhat tempered by the fact that he was also no longer a threat. He might have been skilled in those dark arts, and one of the greatest magical geniuses since Starswirl himself, but even he could not crawl back out of his own grave.

So, there was little to do. I eventually settled onto the idea that his letter was simply there to mess with me. On our previous meetings, that seemed to be what he did most. He gave me some pointers when it came to Starlight, but for the most part, he just played mind games for his own amusement. And as much as I hate to say it, I wasn’t smart enough to outwit him.

In any case, I set the matter to one side and went on with my life. If he did crop up again by some fluke, I had no doubt that Twilight and the others could handle him. Hell, the first time around, he’d even been bested by the two sisters, without the Elements or the Crystal Heart.

However, whilst I might have wanted to just ignore the dead madman, others in the castle continued to dwell on his demise. Of the small group of ponies that knew about Sombra, the one who seemed most affected was Celestia. While to the untrained observer, she continued about her duties as if nothing was wrong, to me, having known her for several years, I could see that she was deeply troubled. And as the days passed, the dark, metaphorical cloud hanging over her, began to have an effect on her work.

It was one rainy afternoon when she had just finished dealing with a case, with my help, relating to a rather nasty custody battle between two noble families, that I finally broached the subject with her. As the last pony left the room and the great double doors were closed, I got up from my seat and walked over to my friend, who’s shoulders and wings now sagged, and who’s head hung low.

“Hey,” I said softly, catching her attention. “Do you want to take a break?”

She looked up at me, as if she’d briefly forgotten I was there. In an instant, the sorrow and pain vanished, replaced by that old maternal smile and caring look, combined with the authoritative aura of of a monarch. It was a brilliant mask, but a mask nonetheless.

“No, thank you, my advisor,” she said softly. “I am quite alright.”

Now, I may be her friend, but there’s a fine line between being a good friend and respecting the will of one’s princess. I was in no position to turn around and tell her she needed to deal with what she was going through. It reflected badly on the both of us for me to do so. Sometimes I hate all the damned rules of court etiquette.

Luckily, Celestia seemed to waver after a moment. Maybe she saw my conflicted expression, or realised on her own that what she was going through needed to be addressed. And as I’ve said before, one of the benefits of being the princess; you get to make your own hours. She smiled a gentle smile, one of a friend rather than a ruler.

“Actually, on second thoughts,” she went on. “Perhaps a recess would be in order. The docket has been rather full of late, hasn’t it?” I smiled back at her. She now stood up and addressed the guards and remaining attendees.

“Day Court shall take a brief recess,” she announced.

The guards all began to usher the remaining ponies out of the throne room, and the other advisors and ministers who were in attendance also left for their own offices, or for the castle’s public cafeteria. Celestia meanwhile took her leave. Walking down the steps of the twin thrones, she stepped through the open door that led into her chambers. From there, she could take a short walk back to her own rooms if she wanted. I’d figured that we’d just sit in her chambers, her office as it were, for a few minutes and talk, but the snow white alicorn instead led me up to her rooms. Unlocking the door with her magic, she ushered me inside.

Even after having worked for her for so long, it was a rare thing to be invited into Celestia’s inner sanctum. This was where she’d given personal lessons to a very little Twilight Sparkle so many years ago, and where she spent her evening diligently going over the masses of paperwork that came with being the ruler of Equestria. Only a select few of the castle staff and a handful of guards came in here, besides Luna and a few other ponies. I myself had only been in here at most four or five times.

Crucially though, I knew that Celestia only ever brought me in here if she wanted to talk as Tia, rather than Princess Celestia. This wasn’t my boss; this was my friend, and she needed my help.

Walking over to a small group of large cushions, which passed for chairs in a world of quadrupeds, Celestia sat down. She reminded me somewhat of a large dog as she finally relaxed on the soft cushion. I joined her, sitting down on one side on one of the other cushions. The fireplace had a small fire burning at the moment. It was early autumn, at at this altitude, things were starting to get chilly. Canterlot Castle is many things, but energy efficient isn’t one of them. They really ought to invest in some double glazing.

Celestia sat, pensive, for a few moments. We both knew what was weighing on her mind. Luna had told me about it. It was Sombra. Back when I had first started visiting him, Celestia had always refused to go near him, not out of fear, but due to the heartache such a meeting would cause her.

You see, many years ago, long before we arrived in Equestria or even before Twilight and the others were born, Celestia had been tinkering with Starswirl’s mirror magic concept. The two of them found many worlds parallel to this one. In one of them, she and her sister were evil, and the villains of this world were the good guys. The man in charge was the benevolent King Sombra. The two had met and, in time, fallen in love. Celestia had continued to visit over the years, in secret, even after Starswirl explicitly told her not to. The two worlds began to grow unstable, and eventually, in order to save both versions of Equestria, the good version of Sombra sacrificed himself by absorbing all the dark magic from the mirror versions of Celestia and Luna, turning him into the Sombra we all know and despise. He might have looked the same, but the good stallion she knew was gone.

Ever since then, she’s always been touchy about him. She entertained the idea for a time that he might still be in there somewhere, and searched tirelessly for a way to save him. But his corruption was so severe, that there was little to be done. She could do nothing but leave the stallion she once loved and admired to languish in Tartarus. And now he was dead; gone for good. It had been hard enough, according to Discord, when she’d lost him back in the mirror world. Now that same loss was hitting her again full force. Nopony, not even an immortal, should have to mourn somepony twice. Looking up, I caught her eye. She looked so sad it almost hurt.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked softly. Celestia let out a sigh and closed her eyes.

“I can stand despair, Roger,” she said sadly. “I can endure the pain of loss. I can get myself to move on. But it’s the hope that hurts most of all.”

“You hoped he might one day find his way back?” I asked. She nodded.

“A part of me knew it futile. But there was another part, the part that loved him so dearly, that knew that somewhere underneath all the anger and all that hate, there was still a good stallion. I couldn’t reach him through the darkness, but he was always so strong. I hoped that, imprisoned as he was, he might some day be able to break free of the evil that took hold in his heart.”

“In a way he has,” I offered kindly. “At least now he can be at peace.”

I’d expected that to give Celestia some small measure of comfort. But her reaction was quite the opposite. For a moment, anger flashed across her features, in a degree I had never seen before. I’d seen her cross before, I’d ever seen her angry. But I’d never once seen her like this.

“What about me though?!” she shot back. “What about my peace?! I loved him and like everypony else in my life he had to go and leave me behind!”

“Celestia...” I tried, but she cut me off.

“You will too!” she went on. “One day, you’ll be old and frail, and you’ll die. That will be another friend I lose! Do you know how many friends I’ve lost over the years? How many friendships I’ve nurtured and watched grow, only to see them wither and die in a few decades! I’ve lost count! Even Luna was taken from my for a millennia, and that was by my own hoof! Sombra was the closest thing I had to a soulmate! I knew it wouldn’t last forever, but no, he was taken from me like everypony else. When you live as long as I do, everything is like the blink of an eye. My one moment of happiness and like everything else it was taken from me.”

She was up on her hooves now, pacing around the room. Her horn sparked with arcane power as her emotions began to have an effect on her magic. I stayed where I was, feeling slightly unsettled by her outburst. There was nothing for me to say, she was venting, as she needed to.

“I’d never even entertained the idea of falling in love with somepony before then,” Celestia continued, tears now welling up in her eyes. “I knew what would happen, and I resolved to never put myself through that heartache. But when I met him…he was so kind, so caring, so noble. I couldn’t help myself. I suppose even I am not immune to my niece's arrows. I didn’t care that one day it would all be over. We had all the time in the world. I lulled myself into thinking we would be together forever. But he was taken from me like everypony else.”

She finally paused in her pacing and turned to look at me, that same anger still in her eyes.

“And the best part? He only had to sacrifice himself because of my continued visits to his world. The two realities became unstable. If I hadn’t kept going back and forth, he could have lived a long, happy life as that handsome stallion I first met. It should have been me that died, not him!”

She sat down on her haunches, her head and wings drooping as before. The magic stopped and her anger seemed to cool for a moment. Getting up, I walked over to her and laid a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“Tia,” I said. “You can’t blame yourself for what happened. Sombra chose to absorb that dark magic to save his world. He knew what he was doing. He also knew what would happen if he didn’t.”

“But why did it have to be him?” Celestia asked, tears now flowing freely down her face. “It’s not fair!”

“I know,” I replied. “But we both know life isn’t fair. As much as it hurts, you have to accept that he’s gone.”

I knew it was a hard thing to hear. But it was what she needed. She needed to let go of that memory. Not forget him, but accept what had happened and that it was out of her control. But my words seemed to have the opposite effect.

“I don’t have to accept anything,” Celestia said darkly, looking up at me. “I am an alicorn. I can do what I want!”

That...didn’t sound good.

“Tia, even Discord cannot bring ponies back to life. And even your magic has its limits.” Celestia got up, shrugging away my hand.

“But death is not one of them,” she replied with a haughty tone. “I have lived for over a millennia, and I still have the body of a mare in her prime. I have conquered death. I am not at its beck and call. There is no reason I cannot use the power within me to make the same apply to others. I could bring him back, and make him immortal if I wished it. I raise the sun with a flick of my horn, caused a normal unicorn to become an alicorn with a thought. Why should a little thing like death stop me?”

“Because you know what that magic is,” I countered. “Necromancy is illegal, never mind dangerous for both the caster and target alike. It’s dark magic which you yourself expressly forbid over four hundred years ago.”

“And it was short sighted of me to do so,” Celestia replied. “And since I am the one who made the law, I can simply unmake it. It might be dangerous for some piddling little unicorn, but not to me. I have more magic and more knowledge than anypony else alive. I know I can bring him back.”

Okay, now she was really starting to scare me. This wasn’t even sounding like Celestia any more.

“I can’t let you do that, Celestia,” I said firmly standing across from her.

“I won’t see you put yourself in harm's way like that.” Celestia smiled.

And at that moment, I felt fear.

“And how do you propose to stop me?” she asked curiously. “You, a human, with no magic to call on. Do you really think you can stand against me? You are like an ant to me. I wouldn’t even have to think about it, and you would be reduced to ash. Even my dear sister wasn’t able to resist me, with all her own dark magic. Before little Twilight came along, I was the one who dealt with all those villains who sought to take from me. I might have let them live, but through compassion, not inability. Tirek, Scorpan, Discord, Chrysalis, the Storm King; all of them, if I really wanted to, I could have burned them alive with the light of my sun. Why, if I wanted to, I could destroy this world, and not even Twilight and the Elements of Harmony could stop me.”

There was something different about Celestia. It wasn’t just her personality; her whole form seemed to be changing. Her mane was turning slowly orange, her eyes burned like fire, and the room was slowly beginning to heat up, going from comfortable, to a blazing summers day. Celestia kept on.

“I’ve always held myself back, you know. I’ve never used my full potential. My whole life has been spent making sacrifices for all these little ponies. I think it’s time I stopped caring about them all and their short, petty lives. It’s time I take what I wanted.”

I was now utterly terrified. She was sounding like...like Daybreaker; the twisted version of Celestia that Starlight imagined. What was truly frightening was that she was right in everything she said. But that didn’t make it right, and I knew that she knew that.

“No!” I said sternly, desperately pushing down the terror I was feeling. “I won’t let you do that, Celestia.” She rounded on my, her horn glowing a reddish orange colour instead of its usual gold.

“You dare defy me?!” she asked incredulously.

“You are my friend,” I replied. “And I won’t let you do this. If you want to go down this path, then by God, you’ll have to go through me first.”

We both stood, facing each other, locked in a silent battle of wills. I stared at Celestia, and she stared back as flames continued to form in her mane and tail. Neither of us was backing down. I never thought I’d be the one facing down a villain, nor did I ever think it would be one of my dearest friends. But if I didn’t stop this now, who knows what could happen.

I don’t know how long we were like that. She glaring at me, her horn crackling with impossible power, and me, waiting for her attack, knowing there was nothing I could do about it. Eventually though, after several tense moments, the storm passed. The anger on Celestia’s face faded, as did that dark sparkle in her eye. The flames receded and she slowly began to look more and more like that mare I was familiar with. A moment later, and I saw horror flash across her features, quickly followed by regret and shame. Deactivating her magic, she rushed over to me and embraced me a hug.

“Roger!” she said desperately, hugging me wish both wings and forelegs. “I...I’m so sorry! I don’t know what came over me! Are you alright?” I let out a sigh of relief; she was back.

“I’ll let you know when I stop shaking,” I replied.

“I can’t believe I said all those horrible things to you,” she said regretfully. “It was so strange, it was like I was watching everything unfold, but I wasn’t in control of my actions.”

I did my best to offer some sort of explanation.

“I don’t know if it helps,” I said. “But when you were talking a moment ago, you looked all different. Your mane and tail were changing. They looked more like flames. And you magic and your eyes changed too.” Celestia let out a startled gasp.

“That dream Starlight had when Luna and I switched our cutie marks,” she said. “Daybreaker said that she was me if I stopped caring about my little ponies. But I never for a moment thought it was real.” She now released me from her hug.

“Well, we all have our dark sides, Tia,” I replied. “Everypony, and everyone, has a breaking point. I think you almost reached yours.”

“But I wouldn’t hurt a friend, even if it meant getting Sombra back,” she finished. I nodded.

“Yeah, I was kinda counting on that.”

Celestia became pensive again. She was no longer mourning her lost lover, now she seemed more afraid that anything else; afraid of herself.

She’d might have been ranting and raving a moment ago, but she was quite correct in what she said. Despite Rainbow Dash’s complaining that the princesses never really do much, they are capable of a great deal, and both wield incredibly powerful magic. Let’s not forget, these being routinely move huge celestial bodies through the sky; a feat that required six extremely powerful unicorns, and which left all of them forever drained of magic after one attempt. And let’s not forget, who was it who defeated both Nightmare Moon and Daybreaker in that dream of Starlight’s? When she truly lets loose, Celestia certainly isn’t that far away from being a goddess. If the mood struck her, she could potentially do whatever she wanted.

But it seemed that her desire to reclaim her lost love had also been the catalyst to temper any arrogance she might have on the matter. Or at least, the notion that she had even considered the idea of killing me to bring him back had frightened her into abandoning the idea.

After that little scare, Celestia asked me to leave her alone for a while. Day Court was shut down for the rest of the day, and I didn’t see her when I left for the train station that evening. She never came out of her room, although I did catch a glimpse of Luna heading inside.

I worried about her. While she had been wrong in what she’d said, she was right in some ways. She’d ruled Equestria along for a thousand years, and a hundred more before that with Luna alongside her. According to Pinkie when she put on that play, Celestia had ruled Equestria in one way or another for 1,111 years. All that time she had devoted to her subjects. She’d never married, never fallen in love, or had children. She’d watched countless friends age and die while she was forced to live on. She’d even had Luna, her only companion who would always be with her, taken from her for a thousand years.

I’ll be honest, were I in her horseshoes, I would have gone insane long ago. She needed a break. I spent the train ride home worrying, not for my princess, but for my friend.

I spent the train ride home pondering to myself, about Celestia, Luna, and Discord. The three of them had the blessing and curse of immortality. I wasn’t sure if the same applied to Cadence or Twilight, even Celestia isn’t a hundred percent sure on the subject, but it certainly applied to those three.

I suppose I never really thought about it before, but three of my closest friends just happen to be creatures that aren’t that far off of being called gods. And here I was, the best of friends with them, chatting every day like it was nothing. Perhaps that was why Celestia liked me. I might call her princess in court, but I always treated her Celestia, or at most, as royalty. I suppose it never really sunk in until now just how different we were from one another. I was just yet another interesting chapter in her long life. I mean, can you imagine it? If you were to be born the year of the Norman Conquest, and lived until today, you still wouldn’t have been alive for as long as Celestia has. You’d see so much happen; the Crusades, the forging of the Magna Carta, the creation of Protestantism, the Reformation, the Black Death, the Great Fire of London, the Renaissance, the Civil War, the Glorious Revolution, the Regency, the conflicts with France, with Germany, with Russia, the end of Empire, all the way up to today.

How could anyone, never mind anypony, experience all of that in one lifetime? It boggled the mind.

On the plus side though, it did make me feel young to say I ‘only’ sixty one now.

As I continued to stare out of the window, watching the train slowly make its way down the mountain, bound for Ponyville, I caught, in the corner of my eye, the unique bright flash that signified Discord’ appearance.. Turning around, I found him sitting on the cushioned seat next to me. Like me, he looked a little uncomfortable seated so on something so clearly designed for quadrupeds.

“Discord,” I said with some surprise. “What brings you here?”

For once, my friend looked genuinely concerned. That alone gave me cause for concern.

“It’s Celestia,” he said seriously, his usual gags and parlour tricks conspicuous by the absence. “It sounds like she had a close brush with something nasty today.” I nodded.

“She’s still dealing with Sombra,” I replied, keeping my voice down, lest anypony else in the carriage hear me utter the name of a dead man. “I’ve never seen her like that, old man. And I hope I never do again.” Discord clasped paw and talon together.

“I’ve known her a lot longer than you, Roger,” he replied. “And the only time I saw her like that, was the day after she banished Nightmare Moon. The grief almost consumed her.”

“How do you know?” I replied. “I thought you were stuck as a statue back then.” Discord snorted.

“Please, being turned to stone doesn’t stop me from being awake. You’d be amazed what ponies discussed in that garden. Celestia even started using me as a confessional at one point.”

Wow, and I thought Celestia had it rough. How did Discord survive a thousand years in stone but perfectly aware of everything that was happening? Although it certainly explained a lot, though I’m told he was as mad as a march hare before then. Still, his similar situation gave me an idea.

I figured that I’d stared death in the face once today. There was little harm in doing it again. I broached the one topic I know for a fact Discord does not want to discuss.

“How do you cope with it?” I asked him.

“What? Immortality?” he asked. I shook my head.

“How do you cope with knowing that Fluttershy is going to die some day?”

I’ve said it plenty of times, Discord is properly in love with his reformer. A lot of other ponies might not see it, but spending as much time with him as I do, it’s pretty obvious. But his relationship with Fluttershy is a bit of a hot button issue for Discord. He doesn’t like to talk about it. He’s uniquely private about his feelings towards her. Whereas everything else is out there plain to see, he does his best to avoid revealing anything about personal relationships, instead deflecting with humour and sarcasm.

“Well...” he said, trailing off for a moment. “I suppose I will always miss my first ever friend.”

I bit the bullet.

“You love her,” I countered. Discord now glared at me something fierce.

Snapping his talons, something rather strange happened, as is usual when Discord’s magic is in play. The world slowed down to a crawl, and all at once, everything came to a halt. Time itself had stopped dead in its tracks. Only he and I were unaffected. He glared down at me coldly.

“You’re a good friend, Roger,” he said with a dark smile. “So I’ll show you the courtesy of telling you to shut up instead of turning you into a flying pig.”

That was actually a much better reaction than I was expecting.

“I promise I won’t tell a soul, Discord,” I went on. “And I wouldn’t ask if you weren’t the only one who could help Celestia.”

For a moment, the draconequus was torn between his own feelings and his feelings for Celestia. He might not love her like he does Fluttershy, but I know he does care for her deeply. The two of them have known each other for a long time after all. Eventually, his reformed side won out over his more selfish side. He kept things frozen though, so nopony else could hear.

“It’s the only thing that keeps me from saying anything,” he replied solemnly. “She’d never agree to live forever like me, and outlive her friends. But I can’t bear the thought of losing her, so I just say nothing. We stay friends, and we get to enjoy that friendship while it lasts.”

“That’s no way to live, Discord,” I replied.

“It’s the only way I can stay sane,” he countered sadly. “At least Celestia got a few centuries out of Sombra. Fluttershy might last, what, another fifty or sixty years, if I’m lucky?”

“You could still cherish the time you have together,” I said.

“And spend the rest of my existence, my immortal existence, missing her every day? It’s going to be hard enough as it is. And spare me that ‘Tis better to have loved and lost’ horseapples.”

I tried a change of tack. Discord and Tia both thought their situation was unique. It was time to change that.

“You think I won’t have to deal with something like this?” I asked. “Margaret’s two years older than me and has already had a mini stroke. There’s a good chance she’ll be called before I am. It might be shorter, but I’ll still have to live on without her. How is that any different from you two?”

Discord looked genuinely surprised for a moment after I had said that, as if he’d never even considered the idea.

“Well, how do you cope with it then?” he asked. “How do you force yourself to feel love, knowing that one day it’s going to be over?” I shrugged my shoulders.

“Simple,” I replied. “I count my blessings and enjoy it while it lasts. Us mortals do tend to rather live in the moment.”

“You’re smarter than you look, Roger. You know that?” Discord said with a smile. I smiled back.

“It has been suggested,” I replied. “So, any ideas to help with Celestia?”

The next day court was again closed. Luna offered to sit in for Celestia, but her presence and past performance scared off more than a few petitioners, much to her annoyance. So it was decided to close the court instead. As I’ve said before, as princess, Celestia made her own hours. She needed some time off to deal with this.

I made my way up her chambers, where, if Discord was to be believed, she was still holed up. Knocking on the door, I found it open, courtesy of her magic. Heading inside, I found Celestia somewhat calmer today. But she had begun to slip back into melancholy.

Still, at least she wasn’t alone. There was one other immortal living in Canterlot castle, and that was Philomena, Celestia’s pet phoenix. An immortal fire bird, who else better to be a companion to an alicorn? The phoenix was currently perched on Celestia’s shoulder, chirruping in an effort to cheer her owner up. She looked up as I came in and flew over to perch on my arm, like some great bird of prey. She likes me, I think. She’s pretty friendly, and incredibly smart by bird standards.

“Hey there, girl,” I said, gently running a finger along her plumage. Celestia now spoke.

“She’s the only one,” she said softly. “The only one who’s been with me through everything.”

She let out a sigh. And I walked over to her, I saw that she had something in her hooves. It was the shard of the mirror portal; a keepsake she’d retained after the mirror had been destroyed. Her only real reminder of her lost love. I sat down next to her and tried to meet her gaze.

“You know, I was thinking,” I said. “You were very lucky with Sombra.” Celestia looked at me incredulously, but said nothing.

“I’m serious,” I went on. “You met another pony, and you dated, met in secret, or whatever you want to call it for centuries. All through your life after Starswirl was lost, through Luna’s banishment. You must have spent at least a good five hundred years or so together. You know how long Margaret and me have been married? Thirty five. Thirty five years, that’s nothing really to you, is it?

“I’ve got maybe another twenty years with her, and then she’ll be gone, or I’ll be taken from her. So at best we might get spend sixty years together. You got centuries with Sombra. Visits, sure, but centuries. You can’t imagine what I’d give for that kind of time.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Celestia asked.

“You don’t know how lucky you are, Tia,” I said. “Yes, it’s over now. But you got all that time, all those memories.”

“And that’s all I have,” she replied bitterly.

“They don’t have to fill you with sorrow though,” I went on, more gently now. “You can cherish them, they can bring you happiness and strength. Those memories let you recapture those positive emotions, the happiness, the love. Don’t dwell on what you lost. Think of what you gained. You’re looking back down the path already trod. But there’s so much more out there to explore.”

Celestia seemed to be swayed a little by my argument. Philomena joined in, cawing gently and rubbing herself against Celestia’s shoulder.

“If nothing else, Tia,” I said softly. “I know Sombra wouldn’t want you to spend the rest of your days mourning for him. He sacrificed himself to save you from being encased in crystal. He wanted you to live. If you really did love him, you’ll do that.”

After that, Celestia opened up to me again. There were more tears, hours of conversation that aren’t worth recording here. Plus I don’t think Celestia would want me to. Slowly, she began to recover. She still missed him, and I know she misses him every day, but it no longer weighs heavy on her heart. She grieved, she processed, and slowly, she came to terms at last with her loss.

Now if only the version in our universe would have had the decency to stay dead.

Chapter 24 - Abdication

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“Sorry, Tia,” I said, not quite fully processing what I’d just heard. “Run that by me again?”

Celestia chuckled at my bewilderment, as did Luna who was sitting next to her in her own throne.

“Luna and I are retiring, Roger,” Celestia repeated.

It was a good month or so down the line from the incident with Sombra vanishing from Tartarus. Things had settled down into relative peace and quiet. Twilight’s school was still on break and court had finally settled down into a steady pattern of nice, easy cases. All had seemed right with the world.

And then my bosses decided to drop a sodding great thermonuclear weapon into the mix.

“What?!” I exclaimed. “You...you’re abdicating?! Are you are insane, Tia?!” The pair of alicorn smiled indulgently at me.

“The two of us have talked it over,” she went on. “Twilight and her friends are more than capable of taking care of Equestria. Thanks to them, Equestria is experiencing an unparalleled age of harmony. It’s time the two of us step aside.”

“Step aside? You’re immortal alicorns, you don’t step aside. Tia, this is going to cause a constitutional crisis. There’ll be riots in the streets!”

“I think you might be a tad overreacting,” Luna suggested gently, but I was now borderline panicking.

“Your sole purpose on this planet is to raise and lower the sun and the moon. It’s your destiny! Twilight doesn’t have nearly enough power to do that. And are you seriously suggesting we put the mare who has so many near mental breakdowns that the term ‘Twilighting’ now appears in the Oxcolt Ponish Dictionary as an actual word? She can protect Equestria, sure, but she’s no politician. I mean, can you see her running court?”

“We weren’t perfect when we first took up this role, Roger,” Celestia replied. “I’m sure Starswirl could tell you many entertaining stories of our early adventures. I can assure you, Twilight will do just fine. I wouldn’t be giving her the job if I didn’t think that.”

“But why?” I exclaimed in frustration. “Equestria might be in an age of harmony, but since I got here there’ve been at least five near world ending disasters happen. Do you really think now is the best time to step down?”

“As much as it pains me to say it,” Luna replied. “You’ll find that my sister and I were somewhat sidelined during many of those events. Our presence, or lack of it, did not have a great deal of an effect on the outcome.”

“We still need you though,” I replied, fearing for my friends’ self-esteem. “You two are the reason Equestria has existed for so long. You’re both an institution. Removing you from power will cause a vacuum to form that could be filled by who knows what. You’re talking about transitioning from diarchy to monarchy.”

“Equestria was a monarchy for a thousand years in my absence,” Luna countered. “And I have no doubt that a similar conversation took place when it was decided that sister here should rule alone.”

“Equestria has been run by the same two ponies, in one way or another, for over a thousand years,” Celestia continued. “Stagnation is fatal to any society, and Equestria has been at a standstill long enough.”

“But...but...” I spluttered, trying vainly to come up with some other argument to try and change their mind.

I couldn’t think of anything.

Well, there seemed to be no swaying them. The two of them had obviously thought long and hard about this. And over the years I have learnt to trust both princesses. I can recall a number of times Tia’s political manoeuvrings seemed to be sending us over a cliff, when they actually concluded quite nicely in her favour.

And it did make sense in the long term. It was pretty clear, looking back, that Celestia was preparing Twilight for a future role. She turned her into an alicorn for a reason, not just so she could confer a title on her.

And I suppose after a millennia, it was time for a change. Still, that didn’t make it any less of a shock. It was like world had fallen out from under me. I’d always assumed that I’d keep at this job until I retired, and Celestia would still be running the show when I was called.

The pair had made their decision. If I really did have any respect for the diarchy, the least I could do was respect it.

“So how long before you step down?” I asked, admitting defeat. Celestia smiled as she saw me calm down.

“I’ve just sent a message summoning Twilight and the others,” she said. “After we explain things to them, and Twilight stops Twilighting, we’ll start preparing for the handover. It will be just a simple ceremony, and we should be ready by the end of the week.”

“The end of the week?” I asked with no small amount of surprise. “That’s a little fast don’t you think, considering the ramifications and all.”

“Better to rip the plaster off quickly than by degrees,” Luna replied.

Well, it seemed all was in hand. And this time next week I’d have a new boss.

“Alright then,” I said at length. “I guess there’s nothing I can do to change your minds?” Both mares shook their heads.

“Okay, then I’ll say thank you, and good luck to the both of you,” I said, leaning in to hug the two of them. What can I say; I’m British, I keep calm and carry on, even amidst the biggest political sift since the American cabinet split after independence.

“When you get back from Manehattan we can get together for a game of Mornington Crescent,” Celestia offered.

“I’d like that.”

And with that, I took my leave, my stomach doing somersaults. The princesses retiring? It was preposterous, almost as much as the idea of leaving purple book horse in charge. If I hadn’t been certain it wasn’t the case, I might have suspected changeling infiltration or some sort of dark magic at play. This was a fundamental shift in Equestria as a whole; a change that would shake it to its core. It would be like the day Queen Elizabeth dies, a day I’m glad to say, here in Equestria, I shall never have to see. Things would carry on but they would be so different. I couldn’t imagine how Bones would react when he heard the news; badly was my only guess.

Still, I had other things to attend to today. I was once again going to leave Canterlot and head to Equestria’s metropolis; Manehattan. I was going there to take part in what the press was calling the trial of the century.

Remember Marelone; that mobster I had dealings with a year or so ago? I’d caught him on tape agreeing to take part in criminal activities and exposing his involvement in organised crime. Confronted with the evidence, I’d managed to turn him into an informant, and through him, I had been able to deal a major blow to what I shall continue to call La Cosa Nostra; the mob. With his evidence and information, myself, the Royal Guard and the Manehattan Police Department had arrested, tried and convicted the vast majority of the group; the so-call Five Families.

There was one though that was proving far more difficult to catch, and that was the stallion they called Capo di Capo; the Boss of Bosses; Speakeasy. The old stallion was in his early fifties now, but he pretty much ran Manehattan for a time, and where his compatriots had been caught out, he had continued to evade prosecution. Several attempts had been made to get indictments against him, but at one point or another, all charges had been dropped. The reasons had been various, procedural errors by the courts, ‘missing’ evidence from police storage facilities, and the simple fact that so many of the witnesses either at some point retracted their statements, or simply vanished.

Celestia and I were both sick and tired of this blight on Equestria, and given how much energy I had put into destroying the vile organisation, I was determined to see it through to the end. Otherwise, well, they were like weeds. Give it a few months, and the criminal networks would be fully recovered, only with one pony in charge instead of five in competition. Needless to say, that would not be good.

So Celestia had asked that I go up to Manehattan to aid in the prosecution, along with Wrought Steel. Speakeasy had rattled more than a few of the local boys to the point where many were unwilling to put a case up against him. And given today’s announcement, if nothing else, Speakeasy behind bars would make a nice retirement gift for Celestia. I couldn’t help but liken myself a bit to Elliott Ness. Since the local law couldn’t get the job done, it was time to get my own version of the Untouchables going. First stop, the offices of the Crown Prosecution Service.

I found Wrought lounging in his office, looking rather pleased with himself. He’d just won himself a guilty verdict in the last Assizes against a rather unscrupulous huckster that had been conning poor old mares out of their retirement savings under the pretence of investing it in some non-existent venture.

I’ve said it many times, but it’s worth repeating. I’ve never met a more able prosecutor in all my days. Nopony, hell no one, is as thorough in his preparation, diligent and observant of details, or as merciless when it comes to cross examination. He’s the only pony I can honestly say I’ve never won an argument with, and Celestia forbid the day I have to face him from the opposite side of Counsel Row.

But he isn’t just in it to win at any cost. His moral code is equally impressive. If anypony could be called an Equestrian Elliott Ness, it would be him. Ponies have tried, and failed, to get to him. He has a strong sense of justice, and a clear code of right and wrong, hence his balanced scale cutie mark. He’s withstood offers of money, mares, power, and even threats to his life, and each time he’s brought the case home. In some cases, he’s nailed the bad guy when even I thought the battle lost.

I can’t think of anypony more suited to help me bring down a pony who was bucked three trials, seven indictments, and one extradition order. Wrought Steel is as brave as a bulldog, and tenacious as a lobster if he gets his claws into you. He could bring down Speakeasy, and bring him down the right way.

“Well,” Wrought said with a smile. “Out of all the offices of all the prosecutors in all the world, you walk into mine, Roger.” I grinned back at him.

“Hey Wrought,” I greeted. “How would you like to bring down a genuine mob boss?”

The stallion was instantly on his hooves, his former languid repose forgotten. He was now like a hound on the trail of the fox.

“You’re going after Speakeasy?” he asked hopefully. I nodded.

“He’s the last man standing,” I replied. “But he’s proven more than a little tough to get to trial, never mind secure a verdict. I’m headed up to Manehattan now to see if I can’t finish the job. Fancy coming along?” Wrought was already grabbing his briefcase and files.

“Fancy it?” he asked. “I’d give my horn just to see the look on Speakeasy’s face when he goes down. Never mind the opportunity to put him there myself.”

I knew he’d leap at the chance. Still, before I took him along, I owed it to him to give him fair warning of what he was getting into.

“You know this won’t be any old case,” I added. “Speakeasy’s seen off more than a couple prosecutions. He’s bribed his way out, and when that doesn’t work, he’s gone from silver to lead real fast. This is one hell of a risky job. And I wouldn’t hold it against you for backing out.” Wrought shook his head.

“I’m not married, no family to speak of, and I have no interest in money. If those bozos want to do me in, they’re welcome to try. Frankly I’d be more worried about you, Roger. After all, you have a family and everything.”

“Speakeasy knows what happened to the last guy who tried to get near my family,” I replied darkly.

It was true. Back when I was helping to prosecute the so called Five Families after Marelone delivered the goods, an attempt was made at my house. Two earth ponies out of Baltimare had sneaked around and tried to lob what was essentially a Molotov in through my bedroom window. Luckily for Margaret, I’d been up going over some papers and caught a hint of movement in the bushes.

I’d carefully dealt with the two of them, sending them back to Speakeasy with a simple message. The same message old Tito sent to Stalin. Please stop sending people to kill me. Otherwise I’ll send one to kill you. And I won’t need a second. Ever since then, the stallion had given me a wide berth, lest I tell Celestia what had happened and he incur her wrath. So I wasn’t too concerned about him trying to send somepony after anyone I cared about.

“You and he have crossed paths before?” Wrought asked.

“Once or twice,” I replied. “Back before we started the crackdown on his organisation. Anyway, you all set to jump on a train then?” Wrought nodded.

“Sure. I haven’t got any cases due until next week, and I’m sure everypony else can keep things running here for a couple of days.”

The same applied to me. Originally, Celestia had just planned to hold off on any major legal cases until I got back. But with her impending abdication, court was in a state of recess until further notice. The last thing Twilight needed when she took the reins was to have to deal with half finished cases in her court.

As Wrought and I headed down to the station, I still couldn’t quite believe it. It was just all so sudden. A part of me even felt a little insulted that Tia hadn’t thought to tell me about her plans earlier. To be honest, it annoyed me more than a little the way she’d sprung things on me, never mind Twilight. If she’d pitched the idea to me a few months back ,I might be a bit more onboard. As it stood, I imagine my reaction was the same as Twilight’s and Bones’ was.

And speaking of Twilight Sparkle, as Wrought and I got to the station, where the train from Ponyville was just pulling in we almost bumped into them, quite literally too. The train was just pulling in when the lavender alicorn and her friends either flew or ran, depending on their possession of wings, right past the two of us. I had no doubt that she’d run all the way from her own castle, nervously paced up and down the train carriage on the way here, and would now run straight up the hill in response to her mentor’s summons. I didn’t envy her; taking on a job it currently took two alicorns to do. Still, she would have her friends by her side.

“What’s all that about then?” Wrought asked curiously as he watched the six ponies and one dragon go tearing hell for leather up the hill towards the castle. “Don’t tell me there’s another bleeding monster attack. It was annoying enough being locked up in a cage for three days last time.”

“Oh nothing like that,” a familiar voice replied. Pivoting around, I found that Discord had joined us, prompting Wrought to jump in fright.

“Hey, Discord,” I said with a wave. “What brings you here?”

“Why the chaos of course,” he replied with a grin, rubbing paw and claw together in anticipation. “Any minute now, dear Celestia is going to tell Twilight that this time next week, she’ll be ruling Equestria.”

“What?!” Wrought exclaimed in surprise.

Running over, I reached up and grabbed Discord by his snout, holding his gob shut, lest any more news ponies weren’t yet supposed to know come tumbling out. The Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony resisted for a moment before giving up.

“Shut up, you twit!” I hissed. “She hasn’t even told Twilight yet. Now isn’t the time to spring all that on the public.”

Snapping his talons, Discord teleported out of my grip, reappearing a few steps away.

“Well they’re going to find out sooner or later,” he replied a little huffily, folding his arms.

“Yes, but from the princesses,” I replied. “Not you.”

Rolling his eyes, the draconequus snapped his talons again and vanished. Wrought was instantly on me with questions. And it was all I could do to get him to calm down and keep the news under his hat for the time being. A moment later, the train’s whistle caught our attention, and we quickly boarded the Manehattan carriage on the express service. As we stepped up, I flashed my rail warrant to the guard. It certainly makes travelling easier, and cheaper.

As we bustled ourselves into a free compartment, Wrought was still going on at me about what was happening with Celestia and Luna. As I suspected, he wasn’t taking the news all that well. Particularly the notion that it would all be said and done by next week.

As the train pulled out of the station, I reflected on the fact that at least this and Speakeasy would be all I’d need to deal with this week. But you know what they say; it never rains, but it pours. And by God were we in for a downpour.

The two of us spent the train journey going over the case as it stood. After I’d turned Marelone, a higher ranking soldier in Cosa Nostra, I’d slowly began to build a case against the so-called Five Families; five criminal organisations that collectively controlled the area around Manehattan. While not as violent as their human counterparts, they still operated in racketeering, money laundering, trade unions, and contract work to name just a few of the pies they had their hooves in.

Ordinarily, it would be difficult if not impossible to get insider information due to the organisations code of silence, the omerta, and those outside weren’t willing to talk due to fear of reprisals. But I managed to get Marelone on tape, admitting his involvement with a criminal enterprise. Remember, officially, the members of Cosa Nostra are legitimate businessmen in the construction and waste disposal businesses. His effective confession, along with the promise of getting his wife and daughter into witness protection, gave me enough leverage to turn him. His position meant he was able to serve as a star witness and help bring down all the major players. The result was a series of raids by Manehattan PD and the Royal Guard the dismantled Cosa Nostra wholesale.

A series of trials later, and Speakeasy was the only one still standing. He’d been clever, very clever. While we could prove links to organised crime, that was all we could prove. Despite his position being weakened, he still wielded a considerable amount of power in the city, and was able to bride or intimidate witnesses. He’d even come close to nabbing Marelone, to the point where we’d had to completely relocate him. Even I didn’t know where he was now. He might have been our best witness, but he was no use to us dead, and I would never forgive myself if anything happened to his family.

The case against him was solid enough, it was just a case of bringing it home through a trial. Like I said before, both evidence and witnesses had been known to disappear, and it was an unfortunate truth that Speakeasy had people inside the PD working for him. Hence why Wrought and I were going in. We were outsiders, and we could neither be bribed nor intimidated. As Celestia is my witness, I was going to get him found guilty.

The best approach we decided was to start from scratch; a new investigation leading to a new trial. It would be a much smaller operation, working with uniform we could trust and limiting our contact with others in Manehattan society. We wouldn’t just be fighting Speakeasy, but a corrupted version of the Equestrian justice system. As the train pulled into the station, we prepared ourselves to cut the puppeteer's strings.

Arriving in Manehattan’s Grand Central Station, the pair of us stepped down onto the platform. I was a little surprised when two official looking earth ponies in suits came over to greet us.

“Mr Owen?” one of them asked with a thick Hocklyn accent.

“Yes?” I replied in a guarded tone. The stallion reached out to shake my hand.

“Detective Marelow. This is my partner Detective Spade.” He reached into his jacket and flashed a badge. Wrought and I looked at each other in surprise. “The commissioner sent us to escort you to City Hall. He’d like to give you an overview on the case against Mr Speakeasy.”

On the face of it, nothing seemed amiss, but my gut said otherwise, and I could tell Wrought felt the same way. For one thing, as far as I knew, nopony had told the police commissioner we were coming. And Marelow had been awful quick in flashing that badge, certainly not enough time for me to check it was genuine. And if nothing else, their suits were very nice; too nice for a pony living on a detective’s salary.

Still, there was no sense kicking up a fuss just yet, so I played it cool. Reaching out, I shook Marelow’s hoof.

“Pleased to meet you, gentlecolts,” I replied congenially. “This is my associate Wrought Steel of the Crown Prosecution Service.” Wrought too shook hooves with the pair.

“If you’d like to follow me, please,” Marelow went on. “We have a carriage waiting out front.”

As the four of us strolled across the marble floor of the station’s great hall, I couldn’t help but be astounded by Speakeasy’s arrogance. I mean, here we were, being met by what were clearly two wise guys disguised as cops, who were going to bundle us into a carriage and presumably drive us out into the middle of nowhere to take us out.

He must be scared if he’s getting this desperate. Surely he knows what will happen if it doesn’t work. Well, there was no way I was letting either of us into that cab, so as we made for the exit onto the street, I made my move. There was a little newsagent stand in the station, selling papers, magazines, as well as other odds and ends you’d find in a corner shop, including cigarettes. Time for an old standby. Patting down my jacket for a moment, I feigned a sigh of annoyance.

“Oh dammit all,” I exclaimed crossly. “I knew I’d forgotten something. I must’ve left my smokes on the train. Marelow, I know we have places to be, but do you mind if I just grab a pack from that stall over there.” Marelow and Spade looked at each other for a moment before coming to silent agreement.

“Sure, knock yourself out,” he replied with a shrug. Oh the irony!

Heading over to the stand, I fished a couple of bits out of jacket pocket and bought a pack and a lighter. Smoking is somewhat rare in Equestria. Most who do tend to prefer pipe tobacco or cigars. Cigarettes are a fair bit rarer, but still commonplace in cities. In contrast I can’t think of anypony in Ponyville who smokes. And I do include myself in that. So why was I buying a pack? Well, wait and see, eh?

After paying the stallion behind the counter, I rejoined our little group. Opening the pack, I pulled one out, stuck it between my teeth and quickly lit it. And of course, prayed to whoever might be listening that I didn’t turn green or cough, showing that I wasn’t really a smoker. Luckily, it was quite mild and I managed to bluff my way through.

“Want one?” I asked Marelow.

The stallion considered for a moment before nodded.

“Sure. Thanks,” he replied with a nod. Tossing the pack to him, I watched him pull a cigarette out with his teeth. Leaning down, I offered him a light.

“Here, let me get that for you,” I said in a friendly tone.

I shot a knowing glance to Wrought. He’d done enough assault cases to know what was coming. See, there’s no such thing as a fair fight, and you need every advantage you can get. Getting your opponent to lean forward, leaving themselves exposed, is a great way to get a sucker punch in. And that’s precisely what I did.

As Marelow leaned forward, with me holding the lighter in my left hand, I gave him a solid thwack on the jaw with my right. He didn’t see it coming and the impact sent him sprawling across the floor. Wrought quickly joined in, but it seemed that Detective Spade wasn’t much of a fighter, for he quickly bailed and took to his heels. There was no point chasing him. Marelow on the other hoof…

Well, for starters, it seemed he had quite the glass jaw. My one solid thump had knocked him woozy and given him quite the bloody nose. Honestly, I’d have thought a mobster would be able to spot a cigarette punch coming. That trick had saved my neck more than once back in Belfast. But there was little point now recriminating on the failings of equine organised crime. Speakeasy had just committed himself. He’d tried to take me out. Now the gloves came off.

Marelow came around a couple of moments later and our struggle began anew. But the ground is the worst place to be in a scrap, particularly when you’re outnumbered. Between the two of us, were able to get a hold of all four of his limbs. Earth pony or not, he was no Applejack. We were also quickly joined by a couple of legit transit cops who were on patrol through the station. After a minor disagreement about what was going on, they helped us take Marelow into custody. It might be tricky, but this guy might be somepony we could turn, particularly now that he was looking an two attempted murder charges.

As things settled down again, I left my new prisoner with the two cops and went to check on Wrought. He looked more than a little shook up by what had just happened. He currently sitting in a cafe across the plaza, nursing a strong black coffee. I sat down opposite him on the little table he was sitting at.

“How you holding up, Wrought?” I asked, with a note of genuine concern in my voice. He took another sip of coffee.

“I’m fine,” he replied, a little shakily. “Although I doubt I would be if you hadn’t clocked that guy. How did you know they weren’t real police anyway?” I smiled.

“They were dressed way too nicely,” I replied. “You show me a single detective in all of Manehattan who can afford a beautiful Sifillyan suit like that and I’ll eat my hat.”

“Wow,” Wrought replied. “I’d have just trusted them and gotten in the carriage. Hay, by now I’d probably be somewhere out in the woods.”

“Like I said, Wrought,” I said. “This isn’t your ordinary case. We don’t have the luxury of trusting local law. There’s crooked cops, fake cops, and good cops who’ll turn on you to protect those they love. And believe me, this is just the tip of the iceberg.”

“I certainly see what you mean when you said Speakeasy had friends. So what now?” I smiled.

“You want to get Speakeasy? Okay, listen.” I put on my best impersonation of Sean Connery “He pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue! That’s the way things work in this city, and that’s how we get Speakeasy.”

And so, the two of us set out to do precisely that. Our first stop was indeed city hall. Those two cronies had at least been right about that. Our visit however, was not an expected one, we’d be dropping in quite unannounced to ensure that Speakeasy’s trial progressed smoothly to a satisfying conclusion. If nothing else, I wanted to see for myself just how far Speakeasy’s reach extended. We knew there were crooked cops and judges. It wasn’t that big a leap to assume that Speakeasy had a politician or two in his pocket. If we were going to make any progress on this, before we did anything else, we needed to identify the good guys and the bad guys.

Climbing into a cab together, I related the store of the famous Untouchables to Wrought. That was pretty much what we’d need if we were going to get this case through. It was certainly more than your normal job for a legal advisor and a prosecutor. I honestly expected that we would be here for at least a week or so, if not longer. It takes time to land a big fish.

Or at least, that was what I was planning on doing. All day long, my thoughts had been about this case, Speakeasy, and Manehattan. I tend to tunnel vision a bit when I’m working on a case, I must admit. I’d put all other thoughts to one side, and one of them was about to jump right back to the forefront.

We were just passing through Manehattan’s version of Times Square when it started. Bones has told me a bunch of times how he keeps track of all the important incidents involving Twilight and her friends. Despite the fact that this whole world is real, he still believes that it is in some way connected to the TV show he remembers. Critically, he has found, after a couple of attempts, that by counting off these events, he can determine when we’re due for a major incident, like another villain cropping up. Cozy’s attempt marked a finale as he put it, so we were now due for another major event. Understandably, I’d put this down as Celestia and Luna announcing their retirement and Twilight assuming the throne.

Turns out though that was only the half of it. There was trouble brewing. In fact, trouble had been going on since not long after we left Canterlot. Only now had it reached a point that all of Equestria got to hear about it. The news was already flashing across the telegraph wires.

As our cab pulled onto the main drag, I did my best to block out the noise of the city. Canterlot is busy enough, but Manehattan is something else. I guess I’ve gotten used to the peace and quiet of Ponyville, because the din of this place was damn near deafening. But as I tried to block up my ears, I became conscious of a new sound, a strange warble that slowly rose in tone and volume, before falling again. As the sound repeated, now much clearer than before, my blood ran cold.

I heard the eerie wail of the civil defence sirens; that horrid rising and falling tone that signalled only the most dire of emergencies. Wrought heard it to and looked at me in alarm. Our cabbie meanwhile, in accordance with the law, pulled over to the side of the road.

“Sorry, fellas,” he called back to us. “I gotta drop ya here. Roads have to be kept clear until the alert ends. I’m goin’ out of service. If ya need to get somewhere desperately ya can still walk it, but my advice is to get inside pronto. That’s what I’ll be doin’.”

And with that, he unhitched himself from the yellow dog cart and hurried off, leaving us stranded where we were. After a moment of indecision, the two of us got out of the cab. I took a moment to reflect on the fact that our trip was at least free, since the cabbie had bolted without asking for the fare.

The sirens continued to wail across the city and ponies were beginning to panic. A two tone siren and flashing blue lights shot past as a police wagon sped past us on the now clear main road. Ponies were running hither and thither in alarm at the danger signal. But as yet, I could see no cause for alarm. No enemy airships or warships, no dark looming clouds, no tidal waves or earthquakes. Everything seemed peaceful apart from the state of utter pandemonium that seemed to have gripped the city.

“What in Celestia’s name is going on?” I asked, turning to Wrought. He looked at me with just as much confusion.

A moment later though, his eyes fixed on something and pointed with a hoof.

“Look!” he exclaimed.

Following his hoof, I found he was pointing at the famous news ticker that constantly ran breaking news stories in a short format across one of the buildings. It took but a moment to read the message.

‘King Sombra attacks Crystal Empire. Canterlot under siege.’

“Oh my God,” I muttered.

“But he’s...he’s dead!” Wrought exclaimed. “He was destroyed by the Crystal Heart!”

I hated to do it to him, but I bit my tongue and kept quiet about my own knowledge of Sombra. It would hardly be of much help and only cause him more fright.

“Evidently not,” I replied. “Come on, we need to find a way back to Canterlot. We might be able to help.” Wrought was dumbfounded.

“Help?!” he exclaimed. “That’s King Sombra they’re talking about. The only thing that could stop him was the Crystal Heart. And from what that ticker is saying, it seems pretty clear he’s beaten it. We need to run.” Grabbing Wrought roughly, I tried to calm him down and talk some sense into him.

“What? Did you forget the last few years or something? The Elements will deal with him, or the princesses. They stopped him before, remember. Now calm down and get a hold of yourself. Besides, where do you plan to run to.”

Wrought slowly came back down. He was still frightened, but to his credit, he seemed to get a handle on his initial panic.

“Okay,” he said. “So, any ideas on how we can get to Canterlot, or what we can do when we get there?” I thought for a moment.

To tell you the truth, I didn’t have a sodding clue. The last time this had happened, during the invasion by the Storm King, I’d been in Canterlot itself. I’d gotten involved in some pretty desperate street fighting and done my best to hold the line, rather ineffectually I might add. Wrought was right. If Sombra was back, there was little I, a magicless human, would be able to do. At worst, I’d potentially be giving him the chance to use his sick mind control magic on me.

“Fine, you’re right,” I admitted, coming down from my own panic. “But we should at least try to get back to Ponyville. Twilight and the others will be there. We might be able to lend a hoof that way.”

Oh God. Margaret and kids…

I pushed that thought out of my mind as best I could. If I followed it, I’d be a panicking wreck in seconds.

And so the pair of us took to our heels and headed back towards the train station. With any luck there’d at least be some services still running. If not, screw it, I’d hijack an engine if I needed to. If Sombra was attacking Canterlot, he’s probably go after Ponyville too. That meant my family was in danger. I was getting back there by hook or by crook.

As we legged it, the news ticker flashed up another piece of breaking news.

‘Everfree Forest growing out of control. Ponyville threatened.’

“Sod it!” I snarled as we ran for the station.

And to think, this morning I was worried about something as trivial as my boss retiring and busting some two bit mobster.

Chapter 25 - The Old Enemy

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In the end, we did manage to get back to Ponyville, and later Canterlot, without me having to resort to hijacking, or other criminal enterprises. The pair of us managed to engage a special; a single car train bound for Ponyville. I paid the driver and fireman with everything Wrought and I had on me. It was enough to allow them to overcome their natural instinct for survival.

But even with just a single carriage travelling on almost empty tracks, it was a long way inland from Manehattan to Ponyville. To their credit, the crew did their best to get us there as quickly as they could, breaking every speed limit, blasting through points and crossing, everything but committing a SPAD, which would have automatically stopped the train anyway.

By the time we got to Ponyville, the crisis was over, the danger had passed, and my old friend was once again very much dead. When we arrived, the town seemed unusually quiet, with many ponies apparently returning on another train that was just pulling into Ponyville station. As the pair of us leapt down from the slow moving carriage, we were greeted once again by Discord, who appeared in front of us with his usual flourish.

“Whoa there. Simmer down, boys,” he said reassuringly. “I’m afraid you’re a little late to the party.”

Smiling, I breathed a sigh of relief. Discord, of course! Sombra might be dangerous, but he wouldn’t have lasted three seconds against Discord. Even Chrysalis only managed to take him because of the BS anti-magic throne of hers. Remember, regardless of what else he was, Sombra was a unicorn.

“Thank God,” I said with relief. “What the hell happened, old man?”

And so Discord explained. Sombra seemingly randomly returned and attacked the Crystal Empire. As was the case a thousand years ago, he caught them off guard, before they had a chance to unite and use the Crystal Heart against him. He captured Shining and Cadence and threatened Flurry Heart, while using mind control spells on other ponies.

That lasted all of five minutes until, courtesy of Twilight and Co, he took a rainbow to the face and was promptly blasted into bits. Or at least seemed to be.

When Twilight and the others went back to the Tree of Harmony to replace the Elements, Sombra, having somehow survived the light of harmony, reappeared and, through the use of dark crystals, destroyed the Tree. I was horrified by that. The Elements were destroyed, as was the Tree itself. That left Twilight and the others without a weapon.

Sombra went on to attack Ponyville and turn its citizens, including my wife and children, into his soldiers and used them to attack Canterlot. Worse still, since the Tree kept the Everfree in check, its destruction caused the forest to go haywire. Celestia and Luna, having come from Canterlot, did their best to hold the plants at bay, while Twilight and the others went to confront Sombra in Canterlot, which he had now occupied, using his dark magic on its citizens to further bolster his new army.

But that was where things came unstuck for the shadowy bastard. Discord arrived and allowed Sombra to continue on for as long as he found it amusing. While Twilight and the others were figuring out what to do, he easily held off Sombra. And then, as a final bit of help to Twilight, he feigned being injured (as if that little whelp could actually do any harm to him), prompting her to protect him as a friend. The end result was the Elements manifesting in the six ponies, even without the physical parts. Sombra was again blasted by a rainbow and this time definitely went down.

The wave of harmony also undid all the damage he had done, freeing everypony from his mind control and destroying all the dark crystals he seemed compelled to scatter everywhere. There was only one real casualty, and that was the Tree of Harmony. A heartbroken Starswirl had inspected what remained and confirmed the worst; it was gone. But at least, so was Sombra. And this time there was no horn fragment flying off into the wild blue yonder. According to Discord, the guy all but evaporated when he was hit. And seemed painful too, which I didn’t mind one bit.

“And so,” Discord finished up. “After convincing Twilight and the others to care for me little old me for a bit, I came here to catch you at the station. Figured you might be in one your tempers.”

And boy was he right. Sombra went after my family and my friends and my home. I was going find that little upstart, wherever he might be cowering, alive or dead, and I was…

Well, actually I wasn’t sure what I was going to do actually. Luckily, at that moment we were joined by saner heads in the form of my wife and my boss, at least for the time being.

“Roger!” Margaret exclaimed, running into my arms. We hugged each other tightly, just glad that the other was okay.

“Margaret, thank God you’re alright!” I replied as she buried her head into my shoulder. “Are the kids okay?”

“They’re fine,” she assured me. “Bones is mad as hell and trying to work out how Sombra came back and is trying to find a way to repair the Tree. He’s also pretty mad his anti-changeling hypnosis spell didn’t work against Sombra’s mind control magic. Lizzie’s pretty shook up too. She’s with Dewdrop and Fluttershy back at their house. But they’re not hurt and no worse for wear all things considered. How about you?”

“I was out in Manehattan when it kicked off,” I replied. “Wrought and me were getting ready to make a case against that mobster, Speakeasy. The emergency sirens went off and we legged it back to the station. I blew pretty much everything I had on me to bribe a driver and fireman to get us back here by train.”

I gestured to the steam engine with its single carriage that stood across from us in the platform. I’m pretty sure they broke old Mallard’s speed record on the way back.

As we separated, I turned to Celestia, who had also joined us on the platform. Despite the recent calamities, she looked quite calm. That was even more impressive when you consider that she, Luna and Starswirl had been busy battling to keep the Everfree Forest at bay for the last hour or so.

“Are you alright, Tia?” I asked, dropping formalities given the circumstances. Celestia nodded.

“I am quite alright, Roger,” she replied. “In spite of his claims of conquest, after he stormed Canterlot, Sombra took no interest in seeking battle with me or Luna. If nothing else, it was quite a nice change of pace to get some adventuring in.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at that. Equestria had nearly been overrun by a crystal obsessed whack job, well, at least for as long as Discord found it interesting anyway, and Celestia was going on about how it reminded her of her younger days. I suppose though it reinforced how little a threat Sombra was, despite his performance. Remember, this guy was first of all bested by the princesses with just their own magic, then he was blasted by the Crystal Heart, and then took two separate hits from the Elements. None of his attempts had lasted all that long. And from what everypony was saying, he was definitely dead this time.

On the other hand though, despite all those setbacks and defeats, Sombra had kept turning up like a bad penny. Unless I had a dead body sitting on my desk, I wouldn’t be quite happy, particularly in light of that note he left for me in his cell. After all, Sombra appeared to have been quite decisively killed the last time, and yet here we were. I’d much rather things go the way they had with the Storm King, a physical corpse that you could give a good kick to check it was dead. I turned back to Discord.

“So where is he now?” I asked. “Back in Tartarus? Trapped in shadow?” Discord shrugged his shoulders.

“Don’t look at me,” he replied defensively. “I know what I saw, but even I can’t say for certain what Twilight and the others did to him, or where they sent him, if they sent him anywhere at all. If I remember rightly, I saw his hide burn off. Nasty way to go.” I turned back to Celestia.

“Do we know how he came back?” I asked. “You said it yourself, Tia; he was dead and buried. And even Sombra can’t perform necromancy on himself.” She nodded.

“That is true, my advisor,” she agreed. “Sombra must have had some form of outside help. But who or what I am not sure. It could be anything from a spell or artifact he left behind in the Empire, or it could be somepony bringing him back.”

As we were pondering that, we were joined by our local amateur expert on magic, and expert on the lore of My Little Pony; Bones. He came bustling through the crowd to join us. After a brief hug from Margaret, he turned to the three of us, evidently having overheard our conversation.

“Ah’ll tell ya how that egotistical two bit generic bad guy got back,” he said. “It was his horn! Back when the Crystal Heart banished him, it blew him apart. You guys didn’t see it, but on the show, a small piece of his horn went flyin’ out into the Frozen North. He must have somehow survived through that and used it to regenerate himself.” The lad looked pretty pleased with himself for thinking of that one.

It was a sound theory too. Indeed, it was what Sombra was trying to do when Tirek was defeated and he found himself flung into Tartarus. But that sort of spell took far more magic than he had. Had he some sort of ace in the hole that we didn’t know about? It certainly fitted in with his previous behaviour and with the letter he’d left for me.

“Ah’m just curious what his plan was though,” Bones went on. “Ah mean, Ah get attackin’ the Crystal Empire, and Ah get following Twilight and the others here to attack the Tree, but why Canterlot, and why didn’t he do anythin’ after that? From what Applejack told me, he was just sittin’ there, like he was waitin on ‘em.”

It did seem a little odd. Sombra always had a plan. We’d seen in the alternate timeline that Starlight inadvertently created that after taking back the Crystal Empire, Sombra would have set his sights on Equestria. But his strategy here made no sense. Surely he must have known what would happen. Even if Twilight and the others hadn’t stopped him, Discord would have, or the Crystal Heart would have been used, never mind Celestia and Luna. His plan seemed doomed from the start, and that didn’t fit the stallion I knew.

Than again, I never thought him to be quite as boastful or egotistical as the pony Discord described. Don’t get me wrong, he was also arrogant and full of himself, but the personality and behaviour Discord and the others told me about seemed quite in contrast to the cagey strategist I’d come to spar against. Perhaps it was an effect of the dark magic; the power going to his head. Or maybe it was all just an act.

In any case, something was off. His plan was doomed from minute one. So why did he even try? It was like he was trying to prove something, going as far as to be within a moment of taking over Equestria and then relenting at the last moment. Almost like he was showing off.

I frowned and shook my head. Something wasn’t adding up here. As things settled down and ponies began to return home, I was left alone with Discord on the platform.

“You look troubled, my friend,” he commented. “Curious considering we just won a great victory over crystal for brains.” I looked up at my best friend.

“Something’s off here, Discord,” I said, pondering to myself. “Sombra’s actions don’t make any sense. He’s crazy, but he’s not stupid. He must have known that he wouldn’t be able to hold Canterlot for long, so why do it?” Discord shrugged his shoulders. Snapping his talons, he turned his head into an old dial telephone.

“The tyrant unicorn you are trying to reach has been vaporised by a rainbow or is no longer in service,” he rattled off in the style of those automated telephone voices. Snapping his talons, he turned back to normal. “The only pony who can answer that question is Sombra, Roger.”

Frowning to myself, I resigned myself to the fact that we’d probably never know Sombra’s true intent and turned my attention back to the here and now.

It was a few days later, and things had again returned to their comfortable routine. Everypony had more or less gotten over the shock of Sombra’s brief attack, particularly when they stopped and thought about it. Bones had even taken to doing a study of his experience under the mind control magic and, as is often his way when it comes to dark magic, was looking to develop a counter spell or other means of resistance.

I too had slowly relaxed again. As dangerous as Sombra was, it appears that he’d played his trump card. He’d has his fling and he’d flung it. That little letter, as unsettling as it was, was now far less of a concern. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder what happened to him.

And speaking of enemies, I suppose you’re wondering what became of Speakeasy. Obviously, when that whole mess kicked off, things like trials get put on the shelf for a little while. But once things had returned to normal, Wrought and I had returned to Manehattan to once again see the prosecution through.

It had been a pretty tough fight. The chaos that had broken out in the city had been the perfect environment for a few pieces of evidence to go ‘missing’ as it were. Still, our case had remained fairly strong throughout the trial. There was just one problem and that was the corruption we were facing. The fact that Speakeasy had the means to bribe both the officials and the jury of his peers meant that he still stood a good chance of getting out.

So I decided to pull that same old trick that got Capone. You see, as Celestia’s legal advisor, I have a few of the political powers she has, and can act on her behalf in legal matters. That meant I could command the court officials, including the judge, to do what I wanted. And so, at the climax of the trial, just before the jury, which our investigations showed to have clearly been paid off, retired to enter into deliberations, I asked the judge to do something rather unusual. I had him switch the juries. Speakeasy might have gotten to one group, but not all of them. And so we got a more honest verdict.

And wouldn’t you know it, they came back guilty, in less than two hours too.

Speakeasy was sent down for a total of twenty five years; a harsh sentence by Equestrian standards. His departure also marked the final permanent death of La Cosa Nostra. The mob in Manehattan was at last put out of action. It would take time for all of the effects to disappear, and we would need to watch for other groups attempting to fill the power vacuum while the city officials reasserted themselves, but the mob was, for all intents and purposes, dead.

I’d gotten back to Canterlot a few hours ago now to quite the little celebration, courtesy of the princesses. Speaking of, much to everypony’s relief, the princesses had announced a delay in their retirement. Twilight would still be succeeding them within the year, but now there would be a period of several months as a sort of transition period, giving Twilight a chance to get to grips with her new role, and for everypony else to do the same. Plus there was a practical reason; the loss of the Tree of Harmony and a second occupation of Canterlot had ponies rattled. They looked to their ancient, immortal guardians for support. It would have been foolhardy and dangerous for them to step aside straight away.

So, as is often the case after a major event, things settled down into a quiet routine again. At the moment, I was treating myself. After such a long time being stuck in Manehattan, I needed a break from the hustle and bustle of city life. I needed a break from ponies. The Royal Gardens of Canterlot Castle are world famous for their splendour and beauty. Over the years, Celestia has cultivated a little slice of Eden halfway up a mountain, seemingly entirely isolated from the rest of Equestria. She would often come here to think and be alone when she needed it and, as her close friend and confidant, she had given me free access to the place whenever I needed it.

It was amazing how peaceful it was here. There was slight breeze blowing, but other than that, all you could hear was the birdsong and the splashing of a nearby brook. It was hard to believe that I was standing in the capital, and a city of millions, never mind that I was halfway up a mountain.

I was ambling around, literally stopping to smell the roses. The animals, whilst they can be a little shy, would often come out to me to investigate. Little birds would land on your finger and the squirrels and rabbits would run around your legs. Philomena even stopped by to say hello, her fiery body standing in a sharp contrast to the soft earthy colours that surrounded me.

Still, despite the peace and serenity, my mind was troubled. I couldn’t help but think of the Tree of Harmony, now lost to us. Okay Twilight and the others still seemed able to use the Elements without the physical objects, but it was alarming that the ancient magical construct had been destroyed. Given how it created the key lock box, and Twilight’s castle, and helped construct the school, I’d have figured it would be one step ahead of the likes of Sombra. It was a damn shame, such a fascinating thing.

As I rounded the corner and came into something of an open clearing, my eyes caught something odd. See, the gardens were filled with plenty of trees, shrubs and bushes, and in the middle of this clearing, out right on its own, standing atop a small knoll was, I think, a mulberry bush. Now, that in itself is quite a common sight in Equestria, particularly in say, the well kept royal gardens. However, this particular example of the species was rather distinct.

It was on fire.

Yeah...that was a new one.

And just as in the old story, while it burned, it didn’t burn up. There was no smoke, no heat, just flames that seemed to be almost sitting on the leaves and stems. Perplexed by the sight, and possible magic at play, I went closer, still feeling no heat at all.

“Discord,” I called out. “If that’s you, this ain’t funny.”

But Discord didn’t appear. So I drew a little nearer. And that’s when things got much worse.

“Roger,” a voice said.

It was like a whisper on the wind, and somehow familiar. It was at this point taking all my effort and sheer force of will to not run screaming for the hills. I might be a Protestant, but I’ve never really considered myself religious in the true sense of the word. I never thought any of it was real. I always figured it was all symbolism, not reality. And yet here I was, standing before a burning bush. Uncertain of what else to do. I played along.

“Yes?” I replied, with more than a little nervousness in my voice.

I figured the next thing it would say would be to take off my shoes, and tell me that it was the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. As it turned out though, I wasn’t talking to the God of Classical Theism, although I dare say it wasn’t far off.

The fire glowed brighter for a moment, to the point where I had to actually shield my eyes from the bright glare. A moment later though, it receded. The bush stopped burning and standing before me was a very familiar lavender alicorn.

“Twilight?” I exclaimed. “What the devil are you playing at?! Jesus, you trying to give me a heart attack or something?”

Twilight didn’t reply, she just looked at me curiously. Something seemed off about her. She seemed to sparkle, a bit like the crystal ponies after they used the Crystal Heart. It certainly didn’t do much to calm me down. Hell, my stomach was practically competing in gymnastics at the Olympics at this point. After a moment longer, she finally spoke. Her voice was like Twilight, but different, with an echoing quality to it.

“You are not of this world,” she said.

“Right,” I said unsteadily, not quite keeping eye contact. “And you...you’re not Twilight, are you?” ‘Twilight’ shook her head.

“I am not Twilight,” she replied, that same odd tone in her voice.

“Then who are you?” I asked. Whoever, or whatever, this was, they clearly meant me no harm as far as I could make out. They’d had more than ample opportunity to attack me.

“I am honesty,” she said. “I am loyalty, generosity, kindness, laughter, and magic. I am friendship. I am harmony.”

“The Elements of Harmony?” I asked. She nodded.

“I am that which bore them so long ago. I take on this form so that we may speak.”

It couldn’t be.

“You...you’re the Tree of Harmony?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper. She nodded. “But...how? Sombra destroyed you.” The alicorn shook her head.

“The creature of shadow sought to destroy friendship. But magic cannot be created or destroyed; merely transformed.”

“What do you want with me?”

“You and the creature of shadow have met many times,” she explained. “He will soon be gone from this world. I had thought you would wish to speak to him before that moment passes.”

Ah, now I saw what the Tree was driving at. I suppose it would be nice to see Sombra one last time, now that he was finally defeated once and for all. After all, I could hardly let him go with that taunt hanging over me. And I owed him more than a little payback for how he went after my family. So I agreed. The Tree explained what it would do, and then, with a flick of its non-existent horn, it engulfed the pair of us in what I can only guess to be a form of a teleportation spell.

I found myself standing in a black void. I suppose I should hardly have expected anything less from a place call the Ether, or the Void, should I? The avatar, as I will call it, of the Tree, stood beside me, it’s form giving off a faint glow of purple light. Wordlessly, it gestured for me to walk forwards. So I did.

There was a physical floor beneath me, but I couldn’t touch it as such. It wasn’t truly there. Sorry, but non-existence is a touch difficult to describe. My footsteps made no noise, and it was hard to tell if I was even going anywhere at all. There was no point of reference, no horizon, no light at all, just darkness. And this wasn’t just your average everyday darkness either; this was...advanced darkness.

Eventually though, I picked out a pair of eyes in the dark. I recognised those cunning red eyes a mile away, more so when I saw the tendrils of dark magic pouring out of them. A moment later, I found myself with Sombra. The dark unicorn started slightly at my sudden appearance, a first for me, which I greatly enjoyed. The Tree had assured me that here, he was without magic, without even a physical form, so he could not harm me in any way. Unless you count talking me to death. Sombra always did love his monologues.

“Just me, your majesty,” I reassured, with just a hint of sarcasm in my voice. Recognising me, Sombra scowled.

“Roger,” he said, with no small amount of disdain. “What do you want? My plan failed, The Empire is lost to me. And once again, I am dead. There’s nothing to do now but rub my nose in it.” I shrugged my shoulders.

“Never really been my style,” I replied. Sombra turned his head slightly and shot me a curious look.

“Then why are you here?” Now it was my turn to monologue.

“Well, Sombra,” I said. “There remains a debt. You see, civilisation is built on the principle that we treat our criminals better than they treated their victims; that we not stoop to their level.”

At this, I began to slowly pace around Sombra, stalking him almost. For the first time ever, I saw a flash of fear in his eyes. I went on.

“Now, you and I, we’re outliers. The things we’ve done. We’re not really a part of civilisation. We’re something...” I searched for the right word. “Older. And that means we can do the terrible, horrible, violent things that civilised people can’t. When you were in Tartarus, I told Celestia plenty of times to simply execute you, and no matter what, she always said no. She is civilised, and will be to the very end.

“Now, I know that she sometimes doesn’t like the way I do things. But regardless, I admire and respect her very much. And you...you sought to do her harm. You harmed her subjects, her nation, and tried to destroy those she holds most dear.”

I now found myself standing in front of the dark unicorn again, our eyes fixed on each other. I could feel his anger and rage, and he could no doubt feel mine. Yet each of us kept it under tight control, not giving way to passion, despite the strength of the emotions. I brought things to a point. In the corner of my eye, I faintly caught sight of the Tree’s avatar.

“So now, I consider it my personal responsibility to fix the particular problem that is you, King Sombra.”

The unicorn leered and me, barring his fangs that had no place on an equine. I’d pushed the right buttons. He was beyond furious, and yet entirely incapable of doing anything. Still, that didn’t stop him from boasting.

“You really think you are going to be the one to kill me?” he asked haughtily. I smiled.

Now, it was was true that I would have a hard time killing Sombra, considering that he was technically dead and so on. But the Tree of Harmony, who knows no moral code, only harmony and disharmony, was not so limited. I barked out a short laugh.

“No, Sombra,” I said, shaking my head. “No, my friend is going to kill you.”

At this the Tree’s avatar silently stepped into the small circle of light. Sombra at first thought that it was Twilight herself, but as she advanced on him, it quickly dawned on him who, and what, she was. Letting the smile fall from my face, I looked Sombra in the eye.

“I’m just gonna watch.”

The Tree closed with Sombra, the mad unicorn was now terrified, just as he had been when the Elements hit him that final time. The Tree’s eyes were glowing with a white light, showing the raw power of its magic. After all, this was the same being that banished Nightmare Moon, turned Discord to stone and sent Tirek to Tartarus, twice. In vain he tried to fire off a couple weak blasts of dark magic, but they bounced off harmlessly.

“No! You can’t do this!” He pleaded desperately. The Tree paid him no mind. “Please! Please!”

He looked at me in desperation. I just smiled and stepped back into the shadows. This is what you get for hurting my family. Just before the Tree struck the killing blow however, his eyes became cunning again.

“Wait!” he pleaded. “If you kill me, you’ll never know about the other monster that plots to destroy your precious kingdom! With my help, you might just survive!”

Now, I knew Sombra was desperate, as most people are when faced with the grim spectre of death. But I also know he wasn’t stupid enough to make up a lie he couldn’t at least part way build on. There would be some truth to his words. If nothing else, it piqued my interested. The Tree seemed to feel the same way, for it stayed its magic, backing up a couple of steps.

“What monster, Sombra?” I asked, doing my best to feign disinterest. Sombra leapt at the opening I’d offered.

“I did not bring myself back from death, Roger,” he explained. “I was pulled back by another. A legend, a being even I thought to be a myth. I was brought back by Grogar.” I raised an eyebrow at that.

“Am I supposed to know who that is?” I asked, still uninterested. Sombra seemed a little put out by my ignorance of ancient villains.

“The Father of Monsters?” he offered. I shrugged my shoulders. “The powerful goat who ruled the lands of Equestria when it was just a little collection of farms. He has returned and plots to reclaim his lost kingdom.”

“And he brought you back to help him?” Sombra shook his head.

“No, not just me,” he replied, now smiling. “Chrysalis, Tirek, Cozy Glow. He had brought all of us to his lair to work together to defeat Twilight Sparkle and her friends once and for all.”

That got my attention, and there was little I could do to not show it. Chrysalis had previously been considered basically no threat after she disappeared. What few reports I’d heard about her suggested she was going more than a little mad in her new solitude, But Tirek and Cozy were in Tartarus. And this Grogar had managed to pluck them out. Not even Celestia could do that. Seeing he had a captive audience, Sombra continued.

“I however had no interest in sharing power with a foolish old goat, never mind a bug, an ignorant centaur and a child. So I chose to leave and reclaim my empire on my own. Grogar told me that we needed to work together. And it turns out he was right. But I told him I could defeat Twilight Sparkle alone. I suppose I have served an example to the others.”

Well ,that explained one question. The reason Sombra had done nothing after attacking Canterlot was that he was waiting for this Grogar to come out and face him. If what he was saying was true, we were in deep doo doo. A creature capable of doing what Grogar had done was dangerous enough, but having a changeling, Tirek and that little sociopath at his side...well, it would make Discord pairing up with Tirek look like a minor thing. And now we didn’t have the Elements either.

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked him. “What makes you think I won’t just let the Tree here finish you off?” Sombra smiled again, making my blood boil.

“Well, you could do that,” he replied casually. “But then, you would never know where Grogar’s little hideaway was, would you? Tell you what. If you will let me go back to Tartarus, and live again, I will do my best to help you defeat Grogar and his lackeys.”

“Why would you do that?” I asked. Sombra smiled again, knowing that he’d beaten me.

“My enemy’s enemy is my friend. Is that not how it goes?” he replied. “I wish to rule over the Crystal Empire. I cannot do that if Grogar takes over.”

Well, this was a deal with the devil wasn’t it? I turned to the Tree looking for guidance. Despite all that had happened, it seemed calm and at ease as it had been from the moment I met it. I looked at her, a silent question on my face. She merely nodded, signalling that I should take the deal. I hated to let that sick bastard have his way, but at least I would be putting him back in a cage where he belonged.

“Fine,” I all but spat. “Do right and you’ll live through this.”

Sombra smiled as the Tree again powered up its magic, preparing to return him to Tartarus.

“Spoken like a true Protestant,” he quipped.

A few moments later and I found myself once again in the gardens of Canterlot Castle, standing next to that same mulberry bush I had been before. And standing opposite me was the Tree’s avatar. It seemed happier now, rather than just at ease. I could hardly say the same for myself.

“There,” she said. “The creature of shadow is once again imprisoned and will now assist you if needed.” I wasn’t quite as confident.

“Won’t Grogar just break him out of there again?” She shook her head.

“He has fulfilled his purpose. Grogar has no further use for him. He will not try to release him a second time.”

That made sense. If I knew villains, there was no such thing as a true team up. At best, he would use his new allies until they ceased to be useful, and then turn on them, just as Tirek did with Discord and the Storm King did to Tempest. Of course, he might very well find the situation reversed. With any luck, that would help us stop whatever it was he was planning. As I said, I knew jack about this Grogar character.

“If Sombra does help us,” I said. “Celestia and the other princesses, along with Twilight and her friends should be able to stop him. I’ll bet he was banking on surprise being on his side. Who knows, we might even be able to nip this whole problem in the bud.” The Tree however, had different ideas.

“No,” she said. “You will not tell anycreature what you have seen today.”

“What?” I exclaimed in shock. “But why?”

“Remember what Chaos told you when Magic’s pupil was still a threat.”

Ah yes. Discord had known about Starlight’s time travelling plan for some time. But instead of helping, he’d kept quiet, because the Tree had told him to. From what I understand, the Tree is all but omniscient, which is why I was so surprised at its apparent destruction. As such, it knows how events are going to play out. As Bones puts it, we all have to stick to the script. Things might go bad for a while, but following events in their natural course, good would always triumph. And given its track record, I’ve come to trust the Tree’s judgement, enigmatic as it might be. Still, it didn’t make me feel any better about concealing knowledge of a threat to Equestria.

“Alright, I understand,” I said at length.

With that, the Tree’s form glowed brightly, and it disappeared in a bright light, leaving me with these parting words.

“Do not despair,” she said. “I will return soon.”

Chapter 26 - Moving On

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It was about a week later that I heard anything more about the Tree. I’d found myself back in Canterlot gardens and, much to my chagrin, sworn to secrecy on the Tree’s survival. I couldn’t even tell Celestia. I hated keeping a secret like that from her, but as I’ve said before, I learned to trust the strange being, even if it only communicates rarely and is enigmatic at best. Better to stick to its script than deal with something else.

The Everfree Forest was more or less under control, courtesy of Starswirl. As the one who first planted the Tree, he was familiar with various previously lost forms of magic that could help control the forest’s wild nature and keep it in check, lest it overrun Ponyville and surrounding countryside. And while it was apparent that Twilight and the others could still save the day, even without the Elements, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of unease, knowing that we were without our ultimate defence.

Still, as it turned out, I was taking the whole thing a damn sight better than Bones was. I didn’t learn it until later, but he too had had an encounter with the Tree of Harmony, a little after Twilight and her friends went on a camping trip to the Everfree. He was going on about something to do with strange magic signatures or something like that and went charging off into the forest. There he had met the Tree, who had calmed him down about whatever he was worrying about. Like me, he was alarmed at the destruction of the Elements. But unlike me, he didn’t have the luxury of knowing that the Tree was still kicking.

I was working in my office one Saturday afternoon when Margaret got back from the market. I heard the front door open and close, following by Charlie’s excited barking at her return.

“I’m back!” she called out from the hallway.

“I’m in the study!” I called back. I heard a few bags being sent down in the kitchen, and a moment later, the memsahib poked her head in.

“Everything alright?” she asked curiously. It was a little odd for me to be working on the weekend after all.

“Yeah,” I replied, swivelling around in my office chair. “Just finishing up my write up about Blueblood’s latest cock up.” Margaret rolled her eyes.

“What’s he done this time?” she asked with a grin. Like most people, she isn’t exactly a fan of Prince Blueblood.

“Insulted the Yakyakistan ambassador,” I replied. “It took four guards to bail him out, plus Celestia and Luna to convince the ambassador not to stamp on his head.”

“I swear, that idiot never learns,” she said, shaking her head. “I can’t believe Celestia lets him slide so much. I know family is family and all, but they aren’t even really related.”

“Better to have an idiot at the head of the nobility though,” I offered. “Instead of somepony who might actually have half a brain or any kind of political nous. Blueblood acts as a bulwark against any kind of power play by the nobles. You know they didn’t exactly take news of Celestia’s abdication lying down.”

“No, I read the newspapers. There’s still all sorts of rumours flying about. Still, Celestia will get them in line; she always does.”

Closing the file on my desk, I got up, leaving my work for later.

“Enough about work,” I said kindly, pulling her into a hug and gently kissing her. “Tell me about you, darling. You see anypony we know at the market?” Margaret chuckled.

“Come on, Roger,” she chided. “A little town like this; everypony knows everypony. You’re better off asking me if I saw anypony I didn’t know. On that front though, I saw Applejack today when I stopped by to pick up some cooking apples for tonight. We got to chatting about Bones. It sounds like he’s in a right state.”

That got me to perk up my ears. The two of us headed back into the kitchen, where Margaret had already put the kettle on to make a brew. I leaned back against the worktop.

“What’s up with him?” I asked.

“It’s that Tree thingamabob,” she said. “According to Applejack and Big Mac, ever since it was destroyed, he’s been holed up in his room trying to figure out some way to repair or restore it. He’s gone the full Twilight Sparkle; he’s been working up there for three days straight and Applejack’s starting to get worried. Don’t get me wrong, I know he gets caught up in a project from time to time, but this has turned into an obsession.”

Yeah that sounded like Bones alright. If you give him a problem, he’ll devote all his time trying to find a way to fix it. I remember back when he was little, the power went out during a storm, and spent the whole blackout trying to find some way to get the power back on so he could watch TV. Only in this case, there was a whole lot of emotion flying about. He knew what the Tree was, so I suppose he was taking it like a death of a friend. And Bones is like Celestia in that regard; he doesn’t take it well, but grieves very privately.

“Well, I suppose I could drop by and see him; see if I can talk him round,” I offered.

And so, a few hours later, I set out for Sweet Apple Acres. The town was still fairly busy with the market, but all in all, it was just your average day in Ponyville. It was hard to believe that psychopath had been running rampant not so long ago.

Heading through the town, I passed Town Hall and the post office, Quills and Sofas, a business model I still can’t believe works, and that infernal Barnyard Bargains; Ponyville’s answer to Asda. Crossing over the river that ran through town, I soon found myself on the outskirts and saw the landscape slowly change from open countryside to row upon row of apple trees. It had been a while since I last went to Sweet Apple Acres, in fact I think it was last cider season when Margaret gave me the job of queuing on her behalf. The place sure is a sight and as quaint as Ponyville is, I always feel like I’ve gone back in time when I visit. I can see why Bones fell in love with the place, amongst other things; we can all appreciate the idea of a simple life.

Heading along the dirt track, I eventually found my way up to the barn/farmhouse. The place seemed pretty quiet at the moment. I figured Big Mac and Applejack would be out in the fields, but Granny Smith ought to be about. As I headed up to the house though, a certain little filly crossed into my path. This being the weekend, Apple Bloom wasn’t at school.

Let me set the scene for you. Imagine yourself on Sweet Apple Acres, you come along the path and into the open farmyard. You get your first look at this seemingly harmless cute little filly as you move away from the tree line. She moves a bit like a bird; lightly, bobbing her head a bit, and you keep still because you think her visual acuity is based on movement, and that she’ll lose track of you if you don’t move. But no, not a filly, and certainly not a Cutie Mark Crusader. You stare at her, and she stares back. And that’s when the attack comes, not from the front, but from the sides; from the other two fillies you didn’t even know were there.

The CMC you see are pack hunters; they use coordinated attack patterns, and they are out in force today. And they leap at you to hug each and every one of your limbs, knocking you down and pinning you to the ground. They don’t bother jumping up at you like Winona might, they just pull you down instead. And the point is, you are alive when they start to hug you to death.

“Clever girl,” I muttered. And with that, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo did indeed leap at me and hug me along with Apple Bloom.

Okay, so maybe I’m being a bit melodramatic, but I swear, those fillies are damn dangerous. The three of them did indeed leap out and jumped up to hug me. Since I’m Margaret’s husband and Bones’ dad, they seem to just like me by default, even if it is utterly terrifying for me to be jumped on like that.

“Alright, alright, you three; you got me!” I exclaimed as they finally relented.

“Hey, Mr. Owen,” Apple Bloom said as I got back to my feet. “What brings y’all to Sweet Apples Acres?”

“Margaret told me that Bones was having a bit of a hard time,” I explained to the three of them as I dusted myself off.

“Yeah, he’s been really upset about the Tree of Harmony,” Scootaloo agreed. “The guy’s barely left his room all this week. He hasn’t even come out to help us do the repairs to our clubhouse.”

“Well, hopefully I can talk him round for you,” I said reassuringly as I set off again for the house, the three fillies following at my heels.

“It must be hard for him,” Apple Bloom mused. “He spent months studyin’ that thing, tryin’ to learn about it. It’s almost like he’s lost a friend.”

She didn’t know how right she was.

Coming up to the farmhouse, Apple Bloom pushed open the door and led me inside, past Granny Smith, who was peacefully sleeping in her rocking chair. I did my best to avoid the squeaky floorboards, following Apple Bloom’s steps.

“He’s still upstairs in his room,” she said, keeping her voice low so as to not wake her grandmother. I nodded.

“Alright, thanks kids,” I said. “Why don’t you go head out to your clubhouse and play for a bit while I talk with Bones?”

The three foals promptly left, leaving me all but alone in the house. Heading upstairs I slowly made my way along the hall. I passed Big Mac’s room on the left and Granny Smith’s on the right. Then on one side was Applejack’s room, and on the other, with his cutie mark emblazoned on the door, was Bones’ room. I gently rapped on the wooden door with a knuckle. From within, I heard somepony start, and then there were hoofsteps on the wooden floor. A moment later, I heard the lock turn and the door opened. Bones poked his head out.

He looked tired. Margaret was definitely right when she said he was getting obsessed. From the looks of things, he hadn’t slept in a good while. His eyes had bags under them, his mane was a mess, and a thin layer of dark blue stubble was starting to appear through his grey coat. He needed a wash, a shave and some kip, in that order. He seemed a little annoyed as he peered out into the hall.

“Applejack, Ah told ya...” he began before realising it was me. Blinking owlishly a couple of times, he continued. “Oh, sorry Dad. Didn’t realise it was you.”

There’s only one way to snap him out of a rut like this, and gentle persuasion wasn’t it.

“Your mother’s worried about you, son,” I said sternly. “She heard from Applejack that you’d holed yourself up in your room, but I didn’t realise you were this far gone.” Bones rolled his eyes.

“Dad, Ah’m fine,” he replied, pausing for a moment to yawn. “Ah think Ah’m on to something now anyhow. Just give me another day or so, and Ah should be ready to try and undo what that stupid crystal obsessed snake did to the Tree.”

Peering over him, I took a look at his room through the open door. The place matched him. Books, tomes and scrolls littered the floor and desk he was working at. The curtains were drawn letting only minimal sunlight in, and the place needed a good clean. The only thing that was anything close to neat was his bed, which clearly hadn’t been slept in.

“Bones,” I tried again. “I know how important that Tree was. But Twilight, Celestia, even Starswirl, who knows more about that thing than anypony, says its gone. You can’t bring it back.” Bones scowled.

“We need that thing,” he replied crossly. “And we need the Elements of Harmony. Sombra might have been the first round, but Ah’ll bet ya anythin’ we’re in for somethin’ far worse soon.”

He didn’t know how right he was I thought to myself. I once again cursed the fact that I was bound to keep silent. The lad was tearing himself up over something, or someone, who wasn’t actually dead.

“We don’t need it,” I replied. “You heard from Discord what happened with Twilight and the others. They were able to use the magic of friendship even without them. The elements worked, just without the necklaces and that crown thingamabob.”

But Bones was having none of it. He was determined to bring back the Tree one way or another. It was easier for other ponies to let go. To them, it was just an ancient artifact. They didn’t know that it was sentient, alive even. I tried one more time, this time taking a more personal approach. Ushering Bones back inside his room, I sat down on his bed and prompted him to join me. He hung his head as he sat, Lyra style, on the edge of the bed.

“Dad, ya don’t understand,” he said. “Ah’m not tryin’ to bring back the Tree just because of the Elements. It was alive! At some point, it went from being a magical artifact, to a living, sentient lifeform. Listen, remember when Twilight and the others went on that camping trip to the old castle?”

“Sure I do. The whole campsite was knocked about when they got there if I remember rightly.”

“Right,” he replied. “And after that, Ah went down there to try and figure out what happened. There was somethin’ real strange. Right at the foot of the Tree were these little coloured logs. And just as I was tryin to figure out what it all meant, the Tree started to...power up Ah guess. Anyway, out from behind it steps Princess Luna. Only it wasn’t Luna, it was the Tree, usin’ her form to talk to me. That’s why Ah’m tryin’ to bring it back. It’s a living creature, and Ah’m tryin to resuscitate it.”

I didn’t say anything for a moment, instead, I took a look around the room we were in. I don’t wholeheartedly believing in profiling, but I say you can learn a lot about someone based on their possessions and the way they live. Even if I didn’t know him as well as I do, looking around, I could tell you Bones was a pony firmly entrenched in the past. He looks back, has a strong belief in tradition and is extremely resistant to change.

I mean, here we were, sitting on an old wooden bed with hand, or rather hoof sewn blankets. On the bedside table was an old fashioned wind up alarm clock, complete with a bell on top. The bookcases nearby was filled with old texts ranging from magical theory, to farming, to classic fiction. On the wall, mounted above his desk was an ancient Lunar Guard sabre; a gift from Luna. The old oak desk was covered in parchment paper with quills and ink pots, despite ballpoint pens being readily available. Everything about this room told me the pony living here looked to the past. He likes living here, in this simple life, because it offers a comfortable routine. Major incidents aside, his life is quite calm and peaceful. When that life is disrupted, he doesn’t take it well.

Take for example the other time a tree got destroyed. When Tirek blew up Twilight’s library, he spent the better part of a month, trying to find a spell to restore it. He even considered tinkering with time travel magic until that whole matter with Starlight came to a head. He’d spent many months in that library learning all he could about magic, and its loss was painful to him. But rather than face up to and deal with that loss, he tries to remedy it.

Luna once said to me over lunch that she told him that not everything is within his power. And while he takes that on board and accepts it, he still struggles with change. And in particular, death is something he does not deal well with at all.

“Bones, you are many things,” I said at length. “A gifted unicorn is one of them. But not even Celestia can bring back the Tree. We barely understood how it worked in the first place.”

“And that’s why Ah’m studyin’ it,” Bones shot back.

“Look, I know you don’t deal with death well, son,” I tried in a little more gentle tone. “And I understand your grief. But you have to let go, like you did with your Uncle George.”

Bones snorted at that. He was trying to put on a mask of anger, but I could see him struggling to hold back tears. His great uncle is where all this stems from really. Back when he was little, he and his great uncle, my uncle that is, were quite close. He was a grumpy old man with a fondness for whiskey, but nice enough. Then one night, when Bones was around eight, and Lizzie was six, I went to go and check on him.

He thought I was a burglar. He didn’t believe me when I told him who I was. In the end, we had to call the police and an ambulance. In hindsight, I should have seen the signs. He’d been forgetting little things for a few months, maybe even a year. That incident just marked the crisis point. The doctors were quick to confirm Alzheimer's. Bones once said that his great uncle died when he was eight, but it took his body another decade to die. The long drawn out process of watching his old friend wither away made the loss even more painful. And as a result, he’s always found loss hard to cope with. He ended up not even coming to the funeral, and shut himself away for weeks, bottling all his emotions up inside. Ever since, death has always been something he struggles with. I honestly worry how he’ll cope when me and Margaret are called.

“It just isn’t fair,” he said softly. “We’d only just discovered that the Tree was alive and then, poof, it’s gone forever.”

I sighed to myself. The Tree had told me not to say anything. But I’ll bet it had said the same thing to Bones about his own meeting with it. We were both in on the same secret, I figured he ought to know what I knew. He certainly didn’t need to be tearing himself up inside like this.

“I know about the Tree,” I replied simply, catching my son off guard. “I’ve met it too, lad. For me it took on the form of Twilight. I met it in the castle gardens a couple days ago.” Bones started.

“A couple days ago?!” he exclaimed. “It’s been over a week since Sombra destroyed it.”

Getting up off the bed, he began to pace like a certain lavender alicorn I know. I knew the symptoms well, he’d got an idea into his head and had a breakthrough. The melancholy of a few moments before was forgotten. He had a plan, he could see some way to remedy the situation. And while it wouldn’t do much for helping him improve the way he deals with loss, it did help us in other ways.

“But if was able to do that,” he said, mainly to himself. “That that would suggest either there’s some latent magic in whatever is left or…or it isn’t really dead! Dad, do you know what this means?”

Bones was smiling now. He seemed to return to his normal jovial self in an instant. In fact, he was grinning like Pinkie Pie at this point.

“Erm...that the Tree of Harmony hasn’t been completely destroyed?” I offered. Bones shook his head.

“More than that!” he replied. “It’s still alive, which means there is some way it can restore itself! I knew it! It was too smart to let Sombra destroy it like that. It’s all part of its plan. The Tree knew what would happen because of the way it perceives time. It knew what Sombra would do and took countermeasures, ensuring that Twilight and the others could manifest harmony magic without the Elements themselves.”

He was running hither and thither like a madman now, running through notes and old books, the better part of a dozen quills dancing in his magic, jotting down notes and formulating theories.

“Okay, so how?” I asked, thinking back to the Tree’s parting words to me. “How do we get the Tree back?” Bones grabbed a pair of saddlebags and stuffed a few sheets of parchment in.

“Ah’ve got a few ideas,” he said. “But Ah’ll need to look at what’s left of the Tree to be sure. If Ah’m right, a sufficiently powerful charge of positive energy, namely the magic of friendship, should be enough to kickstart the regeneration process. Come on! We need to get to the Castle of the Two Sisters.”

And with that, he bolted out of the door, the light from the hallway streaming in. It took me a moment to register the sudden emotional turnaround, and a few more before I considered that it might be a good idea to follow him. I was quickly hurrying down the stairs, shouting out a quick apology to a now thoroughly confused Granny Smith.

Once upon a time, my son was not exactly what you’d call athletic. He was smart, sure, but he spent most of his free time upstairs in his room on his computer, or playing video games, or watching TV. He wasn’t overweight or anything, in fact, he was quite the opposite, being the closest thing to a human stick insect despite his diet and lack of exercise. He never did particularly well at sports, not that he ever had much interest in them to begin with.

But since coming to Equestria, he’s undergone quite the change. His pony body was quite similar to his old human one when we first arrived here, but over the last few years working on Sweet Apple Acres, he’s changed into quite the specimen. He’s got a lot more stamina and strength now, although I’m sure he’s still a far cry from being in his marefriend’s league. And of course, four legs rather than two does give him something of a speed boost compared to his old self.

Needless to say, he was more than a match for me. By the time I was making my way out the door, he was already halfway across the farmyard running at a full gallop. He even jumped the fence at the edge of the property as he made for the Everfree, leaving me to do my best to follow. Bones might have improved his physique, but I’m a solicitor getting on for sixty. I’m not exactly a marathon runner.

“Bones!” I called horsely after the rapidly disappearing unicorn. “Wait for me!”

Luckily he heard me and he checked his headlong excitement, as well as his gallop to give me a chance to catch up.

“Come on, Dad!” he said encouragingly as I rejoined him. “We’ve gotta get to the Tree!” I was already out of breath.

“I’m not a young buck any more, Bones,” I replied. “Give me a minute.”

Luckily for me, Bones slowed his headlong charge down a touch, to the point where he was eventually happy with just a brief trot. He resolved that if the Tree had been able to communicate with me as recently as it had, then there was little danger of it running out of energy, assuming that it was in any kind of danger to begin with. As such, Bones decided that there was no need to rush.

Of course, had he done so, we would have run right into some of the students from Twilight’s school who, unbeknownst to either me or Bones, had also found themselves summoned to the site of the destroyed tree. And like Bones, they were also struggling with the loss. Although in their case, they were looking to memorialise rather than restore, with each of them having their own views on the subject.

We meanwhile now entered the foreboding Everfree Forest. I have to admit, I was lot more cautious going in here than I normally would be. As dangerous as the Everfree was, it had always been kept in check by the Tree. Based on what had happened, that control had been disrupted, to the point that it took Starswirl and both Celestia and Luna to get the forest’s growth back under control. Starswirl claimed to have set up some powerful magic to help stop the forest from overrunning everything. After all, he’d been the one who did it back before the Tree was created. Still, I was a little uneasy going in here, knowing that we didn’t have the usual safety net. Even with the Tree, this forest could be dodgy at the best of time. There were timberwolves, cockatrices, and don’t get me started on that bloody great Ursa Major and its cub.

Bones however, if he was unsettled, didn’t outwardly show it. As I said before, he has something of a one track mind when it comes to accomplishing his goals. Right now, his goal was to restore the Tree of Harmony, and all other concerns were secondary. It’s a character flaw that’s put him in harm’s way more than once, and also served to hurt his friendships. The upside was that when he was done, he would come back down and do his best to make amends for shutting everything else off.

It was quite a hike to the Tree. The strange magical being resided within the dried up moat of the castle, which lay at the heart of the forest. It’s even deeper in than Zecora’s hut. I remember I asked Celestia once why on Earth she chose such a place as her home back when she and Luna first ruled Equestria. She replied that they wanted solitude, or at least to be away from other ponies, particularly the nobles, who were just as bad, if not worse, than they are now. The castle’s location also offered them a degree of protection against any would be attacker, since it was dangerous to go through, or fly over the forest. Still, it seemed safe enough for the moment.

With little else to do, I struck up a conversation with Bones. Like I said before, he’s an expert on this world, to a degree. He knows all there is to know about the show that it is based on. I wondered if he might know something about this Grogar that Sombra had warned me about. I’d gone through all the historical archives and hadn’t come up with anything. Unsurprising I suppose, since the guy supposedly pre-dated even the likes of Starswirl. But Bones might be able to throw me a bone, if you’ll pardon the pun.

“Say Bones, can I asked you something?” I asked as we cut our way through the dense brush.

“Ya just did,” Bones called back with a grin. I rolled my eyes. “But sure, go ahead.”

“Does the name Grogar mean anything to you?” Bones let out a low whistle at that.

“Wow, now there’s a name Ah ain’t heard in a while.” Ah, he did know something! I quickly pressed him for more information.

“You know about him?” Bones nodded as he used his magic to blast away another stray vine.

“Sure,” he replied. “Old school G1 bad guy.” I resisted the urge to let out a sigh.

“Remember I’m not part of your weird pony cult,” I added, prompting Bones to laugh.

“G1; Generation 1,” he explained. “The first version of the My Little Pony cartoon from back in the eighties. Grogar was an antagonist for a multi part episode. A goat who had access to powerful magic; more powerful than any unicorn. Coming from the city of Tambelon, he tried to conquer Ponyland, what this world, G4, calls Equestria, about five hundred years ago. He was defeated and banished to the realm of darkness. He later fashioned a magical bell that allowed him and the city to return and begin attacking the ponies. He tried, and almost succeeded, in sending Ponyland into the realm of darkness, but was stopped when his bell, the source of his power, was destroyed.”

“What about this version then?” I asked. “G4 as you call it.” Bones shrugged.

“From what Ah can make out, he’s just a foal’s story here. Ah did some checkin’ around for old villains after that business with Tirek, and the Smooze too. The way the story goes here, is that Grogar used to rule a big chunk of Equestria some time after the first Hearth’s Warming Eve. But he was defeated by a pony named Gusty the Great. She took his bell, the source of his power, and hid it somewhere. Why do you ask anyway?”

Dammit, I wanted to tell him. He certainly deserved to know. But the Tree had been very clear; I was to tell no one about either Sombra or Grogar. It was to stay a secret for now, in order that events could transpire in the way they were supposed to. And I can’t see the future in the way it can. So, as much as it sucked, I lied.

“Oh just a name I came across,” I replied. “Had some fruit loop in Day Court a while back threaten that Grogar would return and spread darkness across the land.” Bones let out a laugh.

“Figured it wouldn’t hurt to know who I was up against,” I added with a little more meaning.

Bones actually had been helpful. At least now I knew who I was looking for. And given the similarities between Tirek and his old school counterpart, those few titbits on Grogar might prove useful. The point about the bell certainly seemed to be key in both versions. Maybe once I got back to Canterlot I could go trawling through the archives.

We were now getting close to the castle. It couldn’t be more than another quarter mile or so. I’m certainly glad Bones decided to not gallop all the way. I’d probably have packed it in after the first hundred yards just trying to keep up with a galloping pony. The denizens of the Everfree hadn’t troubled us for the most part. Bones had pointed out a pack of timberwolves watching, and most likely stalking us at one point, but a couple of blasts from his horn was more than enough to scare them away. We’d seen no sign of cockatrices, cragadiles, ursas major or minor, or even that bugbear that Bon Bon had been tracking.

I’ll be honest, it wasn’t really that scary when you got right down to it. To the ponies it might be a strange place that doesn’t follow the laws of nature. But to me, it’s just another forest, apart from the terrifying animals that try to eat you. If it weren’t for the dark and foreboding atmosphere, I’d have figured we were somewhere in the Brecon Beacons.

However, not long after, the apparent calm was shattered by two sudden shocks that came one after the other. First, there was a strong burst of magical energy. It came like a wave; white light whipped through the trees and quickly engulfed us before passing on harmlessly. What was far less harmless though was the earthquake that followed. Bones Bones and I struggled to keep our footing, with me almost falling on my rear end from the tremors. It only lasted about ten seconds, but it was definitely up there in terms of severity. I’d say certainly somewhere between four and five on the Richter scale. After the shaking stopped, we took a moment to get our bearings.

“What the hay was that?” I exclaimed in shock. Bones too was equally caught off guard. But as a unicorn, he could tell a bit more about the situation than me, thanks to his connection to magic.

“No idea,” he replied, looking about in bewilderment. “But whatever that wave was, it was charged with mighty powerful magic. Ah’ll bet ya anythin’ it has somethin’ to do with the Tree. Come on!”

And with that, he set off at a gallop again. I was just glad that we were now only a stone’s throw away from the castle and the Tree. The path was much clearer too, so I no longer had to duck to avoid low branches and vines. I put on a burst of speed and did my best to keep up with him.

It wasn’t too long before we came out of the treeline and saw just what was going on. The ancient ruin of Celestia’s old home has certainly seen better days. The roof had long since fallen in, although many of the lower levels were still intact. Now though, it seemed to have gained quite the new addition. Protruding through the old structure was something quite unusual. It was a huge crystalline tree. But unlike the Tree of Harmony I was familiar with, this tree looked a lot more like an actual tree, with pink and purple foliage growing from its aqua branches, in sharp contrast to the jagged form of before. It was much larger too, dwarfing a good section of the castle and towering over the forest canopy. It certainly explained the earthquake. The ground must have damn near split open to let that thing grow through.

Bones was, of course, overjoyed to see all this. It was clear that the Tree had indeed not been destroyed, and it had kept its promise to me to return. He wasn’t the only one though. As I later learned, the six students from Twilight’s school had been trying to do something to honour the Tree, and their efforts seemed to have somehow triggered this resurrection, much to their own surprise and delight. Twilight too, along with Spike, quickly arrived on the scene, having felt to disturbance in the Force, if you will. She too concluded that the Tree was indeed somehow still alive, although how this would affect it was unknown.

Bones however, didn’t really seem to mind. He was just glad to have the entity back. This new form, instead of being just a means to hold the Elements of Harmony, now seemed to be a building of some sort. Twilight later explained that the kids had been trying to turn the Tree’s remains into a treehouse as a place for them all to meet up. It seemed to have now pulled the same trick that it did with that box, and had given them a huge clubhouse to play with.

We came on the scene just as they all headed inside to explore. As the door closed, there was a small flash of light, and the Tree’s avatar again appeared in the form of Twilight. Now, my son isn’t usually that emotional, but this happy reunion seemed to have caused quite a stir in his usually unflappable self, as shown by what he did next. Walking over to the Tree’s avatar he said;

“And he cried in a loud voice; ‘Lazarus, come forth!’”

The Tree smiled. I’m not sure if it was aware of the significance of that verse, but it seemed glad to see the both of us nonetheless. It didn’t even seem to mind when Bones hugged its ethereal form. I joined the pair, being a little more subdued than my son.

“You kept your word,” I said, smiling at the fascinating being that stood before me. “What will you do now?”

“I shall do what is needed,” the Tree replied. “No more, no less.”

Enigmatic as ever. And with that, the Tree’s avatar again vanished. The two of us headed inside and ran into Twilight and her students, and spent the next hour or so exploring the place. It had been a good day today. And tomorrow was looking to be even better, thanks to a very unlikely ally.

Chapter 27 - New Friends, Old Problems

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It had been a good long while since I’d heard much about Twilight’s school. In fact I’d heard hardly a peep since the semester came to an end not long after Cozy’s arrest. By all accounts, despite that somewhat serious near disaster, the first class had gone on to graduate without too much trouble, with several of the non-pony students being awarded a distinction not only for their studies and high test scores, but also for their practical use of friendship in stopping that adorable soulless little psycho. Of course, while they’d finished that first year, Twilight had been quick to update things, now offering advanced studies in addition to the existing curriculum that was only available to School of Friendship alumni, so they would sticking around for a while yet.

With the school prospering and no longer quite so cutting edge and controversial, it had fallen out of the spotlight, and was no longer subject to quite as much public scrutiny and criticism. The ending of that school year though also saw a change in public consciousness. You see, after the attack by the Storm King, as I said before, xenophobia flared up sharply all over Equestria, particularly in Canterlot. You had idiots like Blueblood, Neighsay, Flim and Flam, and many others all touting this nonsense about how everything that wasn’t a pony was at best a threat, and at worst some lesser being. That point of view had, of late, come rather unstuck, considering that the last two foes, three if you count everypony’s favourite turncoat Tempest, had been ponies rather than monsters from some other land.

The result of that was that ponies’ attitudes began to change again. As time passed with no real trouble to speak of, you heard less and less about how it was everypony’s duty to guard against the foreign hordes, or how we needed to isolate ourselves from the dangerous world around us. Combined with empirical evidence, what we might call your fair-weather racists were beginning to come to their senses. The hysteria gave way to calmness and rationality, and views that had been perfectly acceptable a year or so ago, were once again becoming unpalatable.

It was nice to see things returning to the way they were. In fact, you could argue things were a little better now. A whole lot of those ponies, they were racist in the true sense of the word. They didn’t hate other creatures because they were different; they were afraid of them. And when the proverbial veil was lifted to show just how much the various species of this world had in common, that fear evaporated. At last, the last echoes of the invasion by the Storm King faded away. Ponies no longer feared other creatures, and instead sough to connect and understand. The magic of friendship permeated the nation once again, driving away the fear and mistrust.

It certainly pleased Celestia. While she might be an absolute ruler, she had no say on what ponies chose to believe. She had had little choice but to sit by and sadly watch in those few months between the attack and when Twilight’s school opened, when ponies all around her, particularly in Canterlot, were gripped by paranoia and suspicion that had not been seen since the first changeling incursion. Now though, peace was returning, and the future looked bright for Equestria. She was certainly glad to end her reign on a high note.

While most ponies who previously ascribed to such views had now simply changed their tune as the times changed, there was one pony, who I knew to hold his racist dogma much closer to his heart than most, who I had not really heard much from. Chancellor Neighsay had, by all accounts, come to his senses at the climax of Cozy’s attempted coup, if you can really call it that. He realised that it wasn’t foreign creatures that were his enemy; it was a psychotic little filly, and those same creatures had been doing all they could to stop her. The incident had had quite the profound effect on him, and had certainly caused him to re-evaluate his views. Whatever else you might say about Neighsay, he is a rational pony, and in the face of a reasoned argument with clear empirical evidence, conceded the point.

I’d heard little of him after he turned up through his portal that day to alert the princesses of what was going on. He was still the chancellor of the EEA, despite putting himself up against a no confidence vote, which was defeated six to two in the ayes’ favour. However, he had opted to take something of a sabbatical, and had briefly disappeared from public life, apparently to re-evaluate his own position as an educator, and I image to do a great deal of soul searching. Today though, he would once again walk into my life.

Over lunch, I found myself deep into the endgame of a match of Mornington Crescent with Celestia and Luna. Discord, our usual acting conductor, was absent today, having gone to visit Fluttershy. And I use the term ‘visit’ euphemistically. The pair have grown somewhat closer of late, while not outright in a romantic relationship, the two seemed to have gone from being just simply best friends. I was toying with the idea of dropping a line to Cadence to see if she could offer any advice. At this point it was starting to look a bit like Bones in the early days of his relationship with Applejack, with neither side willing to make the final, daring move. Perhaps she could help the two bridge the gap just as she had done with my son and his girlfriend.

Speaking of relationships, it seems that Cadence’s arrows have also struck the night princess down. Again, while nothing has really happened as of yet, I’ve seen Luna and Stygian together on more than one occasion, taking evening strolls through the palace gardens, or taking lunch together. He’s still living in Canterlot, now a successful published author, and regularly visits the castle. They are a curious looking couple, with the alicorn positively towering over her much smaller unicorn friend. Still, height preferences don’t seem to be quite so much of a thing in Equestria, and few ponies, apart from perhaps Big Mac, are quite as tall as Luna. Of course, Celestia, as the big sister, had quickly gotten wind of things, and was now gleefully teasing her younger sibling, much to Luna’s annoyance.

“Oh come on, Luna,” Celestia persisted. “I’m just curious.”

Luna let out a huff as she moved her playing piece to Arnos Grove, expertly blocking my own attempt to head her off at the pass at Kew Gardens.

“You are never ‘just curious’, dear sister,” she replied. “You pry, plot and scheme almost as much as that insufferable Discord does. And combined with Cadence, you will no doubt conspire to set me up on some overly romantic outing that will make both Stygian and I deeply uncomfortable. We aren’t like that; we’re just good friends.” Celestia idly sipped her tea.

“Yes,” she replied with a smile. “I’ve often seen good friends walk through the palace garden late at night, with one draping her wing over the other as he leans into her, nothing intimate about that at all.” With that, she moved her own playing piece to Highgate. Luna now went on the offensive.

“Perhaps we should examine your romantic encounters then?” she suggested with a grin of her own. “If I recall the gossip columns correctly, it is as yet undecided whether you are sharing your bed with the Spirit of Chaos, or your legal advisor.”

Both of us spewed out our tea at that.

“What?!” I exclaimed in horror.

Using her magic, Luna levitated a copy of the local rag over to the both of us, opened to the society pages. There was indeed an article speculating that, with the princess’ impending retirement, they may now seek out a suitor. And for whatever reason, the race was down to Discord and me. Curiously, Luna’s relationship with Stygian was unmentioned. Now, don’t get me wrong, Discord does have a sort of on again off again thing with Celestia. But I know for a fact he’s in love with Fluttershy. His teasing and flirting is more just a way to ruffle the usually unflappable Tia’s feather. Me on the other hand...well, I wasn’t sure what to make of that. I just hoped to high heaven Margaret hadn’t seen it. She’d never let me live it down. Celestia and I were close sure, I certainly was proud to count myself amongst her closest friends, but lovers? Seriously? Aside from the fact that I was married with two kids, it seemed way off. But it was too late now, published as it was, it would be all over the court rumour mill before long. For the next couple weeks, I would just have to grin and bear it, and keep my visits to court as brief as possible. Celestia, in contrast, found it very amusing.

“My my,” she said, reading the article over. “This is an interesting development. I never knew you saw me in such a light, my dear advisor.”

“Tia!” I blurted hotly “You’ve got to do something about this!”

Come now, Roger,” the white alicorn said. “You should know by now that the worst thing you can do with a rumour is attempt to debunk it. Denial just pours fuel on the fire. Besides, there are worse things to have written about you than saying you’re bedding a princess. After all, Luna and I are considered the two most sought after single mares in all Equestria.”

I couldn’t help but smile as Celestia shot me a flirty wink. This was the part of Celestia that so few ponies got to see. Underneath that maternal princess mask was a fun loving prankster who adored the long con. And of course, there was a purpose behind her little game to.

“If nothing else, this little bit of nonsense should help to conceal the unpleasantness that is about to befall my nephew.”

Ah yes, Prince Blueblood. A more disliked pony I’ve never met. For years, since he was a young colt, Celestia had coddled him and done all she could to shield him from the results of his...shall we say indiscretions. Be that insulting a noble or foreign dignitary, making an off colour remark about the Griffons, in front of them, or possibly making a painfully awkward pass at the Element of Generosity after snubbing her so coldly before.

Celestia had now run out of patience with him, and at my and Luna’s urgings, had finally admitted that it was time he faced the consequences of his actions. Later today, Prince Blueblood would go before the princesses and their advisors, who would vote on whether or not to strike his name from the Civil List. This was the annual grant from Celestia’s coffers for the upkeep of the Crown, and also paid out to its various servants for their upkeep. I’m on it and draw my salary, as well as my travel expenses from the grant. All of Blueblood’s money, more or less, came from that grant too. So his unceremonious removal would mean he would lose all his funds. Celestia did not plan to make this permanent, just a month or so, enough to teach him a proper lesson. Not that she was going to tell him that, of course. As far as he was concerned, he was about to lose everything. I would find myself master of ceremonies later today, and the initial polls did not look good for the most hated royal in Equestria. After all, while you might need at least two thirds of the nobles to vote in favour of the motion, I had no doubt that he’d pissed at least that many off over the years.

“And it serves him right too!” Luna declared as I made my own move to Temple, playing for time. “Perhaps a good few moons or so living as naught but a pauper will teach that impudent wretch some manners. If not, I shall be glad to strip him of his title, and hang the consequences.”

“I have to agree with you there, Luna,” I admitted. “But with any luck, Celestia’s stick should bring him around. If that filly Diamond Tiara my wife was always moaning about can be reformed, I see no reason why that little upstart can’t be.”

Celestia was about to reply, when there was a knock at the door. Typically, it was standard protocol that the two sisters be left undisturbed during their meals, unless the matter was urgent. And I knew that Corporal Gleaming Shield, who was presently standing guard outside, was not a mare to bother her princesses without good cause. Celestia set down her teacup and cleared her throat.

“Come in!” she called.

The doorknob turned and the young guardspony appeared in the open doorway. She was dressed in the usual golden armour of the Royal Guard, with a turquoise star emblazoned in the centre of the chest piece. As a pegasus, her coat had been turned white and her mane blue. Celestia was actually beginning to phase out the use of the spell that temporarily changed her guards’ coat and mane colour, and it was now becoming more common to see guards in their usual colours, but still dressed in their armour.

“Forgive the intrusion, Princess,” she said in a somewhat deep voice that indicated her impressive physical strength and somewhat above average size for a mare. “But I have Chancellor Neighsay out here. He wants to speak with Mr. Owen.”

Well, that was interesting, wasn’t it? Neighsay and I have been political enemies at best ever since our paths first crossed. He’s been among a small minority of ponies who never fully accepted my position in Celestia’s court and had done more than enough to draw my ire over this past year. After all, I even had him arrested not so long ago.

Turning to Celestia, the two of us exchanged a look. Given what had happened with Cozy, I wagered that there was a good chance that Neighsay was not here to cause trouble. And if nothing else, it never hurt to follow the old 76^th Rule of Acquisition; ‘Every once in a while, declare peace; it confuses the hell out of your enemies’.

You’d be surprised how much of my job involves reference to the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition. I even lent Flim and Flam a copy.

“Did he say what he wanted?” I asked the guard. Gleaming Shield shook her head.

“No sir,” she replied. “He only said that he wanted to talk to you in private.” I nodded and turned to Celestia.

“Well, in that case, if you’ll excuse me, princesses.” I got to my feet. “It seems I shall have to forfeit this game under the Nairobi Rule. Luna, since you’re in the lead, you get my tickets and Celestia gets my sixpence. I’ll drop by when I’m finished to let you know how things went.”

With that, I followed Gleaming out of the room.

The guardspony led me away from Celestia’s private dining room, back into the main body of the castle. We passed the way leading up to Luna’s tower as well as the corridor leading to the archives and the old vault where the Elements of Harmony were once stored. Walking along one of the main thoroughfares, we passed several stained glass windows, showing various important historical events, from the defeat of Discord to the more recent ‘death’ of Sombra and the Storm King. There was a whole lot of history up there, and I found myself feeling a touch nostalgic as I contemplated the idea that another chapter in Equestria’s history was about to come to an end, and a new one was about to begin. Twilight was already coming to the castle fairly frequently to undergo lessons with both princesses on her various new duties. Although ,as Bones put it; ‘if Cadence can hack it, so can Twilight’.

Rounding the corner and coming to my office, I set thoughts about the future to one side and returned my focus to the present.

“I asked him to wait in your office, Mr. Owen,” she said as we came to the door. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“No, not at all, Gleaming Shield,” I replied. “Although I am contemplating about asking the princesses to give me a waiting room. I seem to be getting more and more ponies dropping in wanting to see me of late.”

Dismissing the young mare, I turned the knob and stepped into my office.

I’d left the window open to air the place out a little. I’d had a visit from old Fancy Pants earlier in the morning, and while he is a good friend, I can’t abide that damned pipe he smokes. I’ve never really cared for the smell of strong tobacco. Then again, given my old clientele, it was something of a step up. My old office used to stink of weed half the time. Still, I liked to keep my current office in good condition.

In addition to letting the smoke smell out though, it had also let a certain friend in. Perching on Neighsay’s back, regarding him curiously, was Philomena, Celestia’s pet phoenix. The ancient, immortal firebird was regarding the gaunt faced stallion curiously, evidently not quite sure what to make of her new perch. Conversely…

“You know,” I said as I walked in and closed the door behind me. “Philomena only ever perches on ponies she considers a friend. She won’t come within a mile of Discord or Prince Blueblood.”

Neighsay didn’t respond, instead simply being content to stroke the soft down on the phoenix’s chest. Philomena chirped in approval, making him smile. I meanwhile circled around and took my seat behind my desk.

“So, Chancellor,” I said, clasping my hands together and resting them on the desk. “What brings you to me this fine day?”

Neighsay took a seat, looking somewhat uncomfortable as Philomena hopped off his back and perched on the back of the chair next to him. He had a hard time looking me in the eye. Understandable really.

“I’m here to apologise,” he replied after a moment. “Over the course of the past few months, I’ve been more than unkind to you, Mr. Owen. I’ve repeatedly mocked and insulted you in front of the princesses, attempted to undercut your authority, caused at least one diplomatic incident, and even put your wife’s vocation at risk.”

“But now you’ve seen the error of your ways?” I suggested. “And wish to make up for all of that?” Neighsay nodded.

“It may have taken Equestria nearly being brought to ruin,” he admitted. “But I now see that I was wrong in my mistrust of other species, including yourself. So I’ve come here to apologise and ask your forgiveness.”

Now, this was, while not unexpected, a brilliant turn of events. The conflict between the Crown and the EEA had been the only real long term issue on my radar these past months. Of course, there were other things, such as Chrysalis, Sombra, and this whole new threat in Grogar, but they were all ultimately things for Twilight to fix. Neighsay however, had been my problem; the feud had been between him and me rather than between the Crown and the association he represented. It was good to know that I would finally be able to bury the hatchet.

In the spirit of this new found glasnost, I decided to do Neighsay a bit of a kindness. Credit where credit is due; it took guts to come up here and admit he was wrong, regardless of what else I might think.

“I do not accept your apology,” I said firmly.

Neighsay seemed a little disheartened, but did not seem surprised at my reaction. His face fell, but didn’t show any anger or annoyance as his old, more arrogant self, might have done. The whole experience with the school certainly seemed to have made him humbler. I’d say he even came here expecting that sort of reaction.

“I understand,” he said simply as he prepared to get to his hooves and leave.

“No, you don’t,” I replied, catching him off guard and prompting him to take his seat again. “I do not accept your apology, because you are not the same stallion that I met when Twilight first opened her school. So you have nothing to apologise for.”

I smiled and Neighsay smiled back as the two of of us shook hand and hoof. We now fell into a more comfortable, easy going conversation.

“I honestly expected you to tell me to get out, or even refuse to see me,” Neighsay said.

“Oh, I’ve been involved in too many conflicts over the years,” I replied. “I’m always happy to see reconciliation, particularly when the two parties ought to be on the same side to begin with.”

Whatever else you might say, I never took issue with the EEA as a concept. Independent oversight is a vital part of the education system, indeed of government. It’s why we have two rulers, each one balancing the other’s authority. I only ever had a problem with Neighsay as a pony, not Neighsay as the Chancellor of the EEA. After all, prior to the recent unpleasantness, the organisation had worked well to keep Equestria’s schools all working at the same standard. It was only Neighsay’s personal beliefs that undermined the organisation and saw it take such a hit to its credibility.

“So what do you plan to do now, Chancellor?” I asked curiously. “As I understood it, you had put your own head on the chopping block not so long ago.”

“I was ashamed,” Neighsay replied. “Ashamed of my actions and the disgrace I’d brought on to the organisation I represent. I thought it best that the EEA get a fresh start.”

“And yet as I understand it,” I countered. “The committee voted to retain your services.” Neighsay nodded.

“I still have no idea why,” he said. “To be honest, I’ve been considering resigning from my post. A little less brash the offering myself up as a sacrificial lamb, but still most likely for the best as far as the association is concerned.” I frowned.

“I don’t think that would be the case,” I countered. “Whatever else ponies might say about you, you are a fine administrator, and your resignation would have a profound impact on an already struggling organisation.” Neighsay looked surprised.

“A curious thing to hear from one of my most severe critics.” I shook my head.

“I was critical of your views and dogma,” I replied. “I never took issue with your work. While it gives me no pleasure to say it, there was some truth in what you said. Equestria had left itself exposed and vulnerable. In fact, in the aftermath, I found myself criticising the princesses for just blocking off the way to the south, never mind keeping silent about the Hippogriffs. The attack on Canterlot should never have happened. Where you were wrong was the cause. All too often our foes have been our kin, rather than invading foreigners, a fact I believe you have recently become acutely aware of.”

“Very true,” Neighsay said with a smile. “So you think I should look to retain my position then?”

“I do,” I said. “One of the things I admire the most about ponies is their ability to let go of the past, and of old grudges. If humans shared the same quality, our own history would no doubt make for much more palatable reading. You were wrong in your beliefs, but you were able to see, and admit, that you were wrong. You’d be amazed how many teachers are incapable of that.”

The two of us spent the next half hour or so talking, and properly burying the hatchet when it came to our previous relationship. Neighsay apologised for threatening Margaret’s job, and I apologised for that stunt I pulled in court, blasting ‘I Fought The Law’ over a phonograph. Admittedly, in hindsight, as Celestia’s advisor, regardless of my feelings towards Neighsay, I should have taken the moral high road and not stooped to equally petty acts.

The repairing of relations also gave us a chance to discuss Neighsay’s future. He would indeed be continuing in his post as Chancellor, but now with a very different set of policies. We had been talking about how the official EEA guidelines had had a negative impact on Twilight’s school when they were strictly enforced. As such, Neighsay committed himself to examining the School of Friendship and using it as a model for a revised version of the EEA’s guidelines, which had been unchanged for over a century, so an overhaul was certainly overdue. He admitted that both he and the organisation as a whole had grown distant from actual teaching, instead doling out arbitrary advice based more on their own beliefs than actual experience.

Of course, these changes would not take place overnight. Just as the handover of power from the Two Sisters to Twilight would take several months, Neighsay expected it would take at least that long to begin implementing reforms within the EEA; given the organisations staunchly traditionalist mindset.

Still, it was a step in the right direction. And that was more than enough for me. Neighsay later went on to not only make a public apology for his previous actions, but also founded a new organisation; the NAARH; the National Association for the Advancement of Racial Harmony. This new organisation, which was quick to gain its own royal charter, was founded as part watchdog and part educator. Neighsay, from his own experience, knew that racist attitudes arose from ignorance more often than malice. Ponies, as I’ve already said, are quite sheltered creatures, and can be naturally xenophobic at times. Just look at Zecora and her rocky introduction to Ponyville. He sought to use his skills as an educator to teach ponies young and old about other species; to bust myths and rumours, and educate the public about other races and cultures. And at the same time, the organisation would stand as a bulwark against racist ideology, challenging it and helping to protect anycreature from unlawful discrimination. The new body quickly prospered, with Neighsay himself giving lectures all over Equestria, from San Fransiscolt to Fillydelphia, and from Vanhoover to Appleloosa. In time he would restore not only his own reputation, but also the reputation of the EEA, which had been so badly tarnished in the previous year.

The two of us remain on good terms with one another. We even laugh and joke about our previous sparring matches. Neighsay is a fine debater and skilled teacher, and with the creation of his new organisation, it wasn’t too long before he was once again welcome at court.

Still, while I may have reconciled with one nemesis, there was another, far less threatening that still needed my attention. After sharing a pot of tea with Neighsay and breaking bread as it were, I was compelled to take my leave in order to see Prince Blueblood finally get what was coming to him.

I’ve made no secret of my absolute disgust towards Prince Blueblood. For one thing, I have a damn hard time calling him prince. Technically, he is the Prince of Canterlot and head of the nobility. Back when Celestia and Luna ruled from their isolated castle, deep within the Everfree Forest, the position was created in order to have a spokesperson to represent the nobility. Even back then, Canterlot was the home of most nobles, many having grown rich from the now long forgotten mining industry. In the grand scheme of things, the Prince of Canterlot has very little real power, more so since the royal throne was moved to the city. In contrast to, say, Shining Armor, who also holds the title of prince (prince consort if you want to be picky), Blueblood has very little political power, being little more than a figurehead, although terrifyingly, he is seventh in the line of succession, after Flurry Heart. There are even times when I, acting on Celestia’s behalf, can overrule him, which I must confess, I love to do as often as possible.

Still, the position itself is not the issue. There have been many Princes of Canterlot, going a fair way back in Blueblood’s family tree, remember the position is an inherited one, for almost as long as Celestia has ruled Equestria. The problem was Blueblood himself. In the absence of any children of her own, Celestia made the fatal mistake of spoiling Blueblood rotten as a colt, and by Jove does it show in adulthood. Since his position requires him to do very little, he’s developed into something of a trust fund brat, who occasionally has to be convinced, or more likely forced, to take part in state functions. And over the years, he’s made more than his fair share of enemies, although for quite some time he was considered something of an eligible bachelor, at least until word of his abrasive personality got out. Rarity in particular got her hooves burnt on that one.

Consequently, he’s caused more than a few incidents down the years. At first it was just an annoyance for Celestia, an odd wrinkle to smooth over. But as time’s gone by, he’s gotten worse, much worse, to the point where I’ve had to step in to bail him out on more than a handful of occasions. Naturally, Celestia, the maternal mare that she is, did her utmost to overlook these indiscretions, but when the nobles started complaining, and when he gets himself involved in that whole xenophobia hysteria, she finally ran out of patience, and listened to Luna and I.

So today, Blueblood would go before Canterlot’s city council, the ruling body that runs the city, whereas Celestia herself governs the nation as a whole. They could not remove him, only Celestia could do that, and she couldn’t bring herself to tarnish the memory of his family. However, they could do what Celestia had suggested, and raised a motion to strike him from the Civil List.

As the man in charge of all legal matters in Equestria, including a few parts of the upcoming transition of power actually; I helped Twilight properly bequeath the School of Friendship to Starlight Glimmer, despite my personal objections, I would take part in the process. I was there to act on Celestia’s behalf and ensure that the voting was fair and proper. After all, while Blueblood was thoroughly hated in Canterlot, he still had money to throw around, and could quite easily have...shall we say ‘influenced’ some of the members. As such, I would be the one counting the votes. It’s not unusual, I’ve taken part in Canterlot city council meeting plenty of times, as well as a few more local functions in Ponyville at Town Hall.

The meeting chamber, rather paradoxically, was within Canterlot castle itself. There’s a good deal of overlap between the city and state governments, with the former occasionally borrowing living space from the latter. Pushing open the large mahogany double doors, I found my way into what looked like a scaled down version of the Commons. Several rows on plush chairs on either side, with the princess’ seat, my seat for today at least, in between the two sets on benches.

As I said, I’d be conducting business today. Normally, it would be Celestia who would chair the meetings, but as this issue raised a conflict of interest, she had stepped aside and asked me to stand in. Blueblood, as head of the nobility was also there, and glared daggers at me as I walked in. As with Neighsay, there’s no love lost between the two of us. To be frank, I’d like nothing more than to see him stripped of his title as Luna suggested.

Taking my seat, all the other members sat down. There were a total of fifty members of the nobility present, including Blueblood. The motion had already been raised and debated in a previous session, so it was now just a matter of voting. I cleared my throat and put on my best Bercow impression.

“The Question is that His Royal Highness Prince Blueblood of Canterlot be struck from the Civil List. As many as that are of that opinion, say Aye.”

“Aye!” came a loud cheer from at least half the members. Blueblood looked gutted. Still, it was not a clear majority, so I couldn’t close the book just yet.

“Of the contrary, No.”

“No!” came a surprising number of voices. Blueblood seemed to have more friends than I expected. Still, I was fairly confident things were in our favour. But I must follow process.

“Division! Clear the lobbies!” I called. Since I couldn’t be sure by simply how many shouted who won the vote, we’d now make sure all members were present and try again, and then if needed, do a headcount.

A bell rang out, summoning any members that might not be in the chamber, while the Royal Guard made sure than there was now no one except members of the nobility entitled to vote outside in the lobby. Two minutes later, I tried the vote again.

“Again, the Question is that His Royal Highness Prince Blueblood of Canterlot be struck from the Civil List.”

Again though, there was not a clear majority, and everypony able to vote was now here. So the division continued. All the members would now leave the chamber and renter by one of two side doors, one to vote yes, and one for no. The two sides then gathered on each side of the chamber. A short while later and all members had cast their vote, except Blueblood of course, who was compelled to abstain.

In the end, the result was, while not unexpected, surprisingly close. I suppose no matter how much you dislike somepony, if they have enough money and connections… Anyway, the last thing to do was declare the result. Once again, I dipped into my best impression of Bercow. I stuck out one arm and gestured to the much larger group on the right.

“Ayes to the right, thirty six,” I declared, before turning to the left. “Nos to the left, thirteen.”

The cheering already started before I even had a chance to finish.

“The Ayes have it! The Ayes have it!”

And with that, Blueblood was suddenly broke.

Unsurprisingly, the prince was quickly in my office after the motion was passed. I barely had time to sit down and start reading through the docket for tomorrow when I heard and angry cry from Buttercup and Blueblood pushed his way into my office. Buttercup quickly followed, apologising for letting him get past.

“If you obstruct me any further, I’ll have your job!” Blueblood said to the irritated guardsman.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Owen,” Buttercup said. “This...pony, pushed his way past before I could stop him.”

“That’s quite alright, Buttercup,” I replied reassuringly. “It’s not your job to stop bankrupt princes.”

That, unsurprisingly, really got under Blueblood’s skin.

“I demand that you overturn that farce of a vote this instant!” he demanded in a tone that was filled with righteous indignation. Smiling, I leaned back in my chair, while Buttercup lingered at the threshold.

“And why, your highness, should I do a thing like that? The vote was fair and impartial, you saw the votes counted yourself. I may be the legal advisor to the princesses, but even I cannot overturn a decision by the city council without cause.”

“Cause?” Blueblood exclaimed. “They’re robbing me of my bank account! I have barely two thousand bits in savings, that won’t even cover me for this month.”

“Unfortunately, that isn’t my problem,” I replied evenly. “The council, and the princesses, have every right to remove you from the list.”

Blueblood really did look worried now, the notion that his playboy lifestyle was over was really starting to hit home. I just hoped that the lesson would stick in a month’s time. It certainly didn’t seem to be sticking at the moment though, as the young prince now threw a modest sized bag of coins onto my desk. I looked in mild surprise. Buttercup meanwhile looked appalled. I got to my feet.

“What is that?” I asked, pointing to the bag.

“Just overturn the damn vote,” Blueblood persisted. Buttercup and I made eye contact for a moment, with him nodding in understanding at me.

“You know, Blueblood,” I said serenely. “In Roman times, when a fellow was convicted of trying to bribe a public official, they would cut off his nose, sew him in a bag with a wild animal and throw that bag in the river.”

With a snarl, I hurled the bag back at him, and after hitting him in the chest, it clattered onto the floor. Blueblood looked up, utterly at a loss. I pointed out the obvious for him.

“This is the part where you leave,” I said condescendingly.

And with that, Blueblood scurried out of my office.

Chapter 28 - The Heist

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If you ask me, the Royal Guard gets a raw deal when it comes to criticism. Bones himself has often lamented over their supposed failings; how they didn’t protect Celestia when Nightmare Moon returned, or how they couldn’t do anything to stop Discord, their failures at the Royal Wedding, and when Tirek attacked, never mind the princesses being kidnapped from the castle twice now, and then there’s the whole Storm King incident and Sombra’s attack.

But if you ask me, it’s pretty unfair to say that the Royal Guard did a poor job. A few points of order, if I may.

First of all, the Royal Guard is made up of ordinary pegasi, unicorns and earth ponies. They aren’t all super powerful alicorns or Element wielding heroes. They are just normal ponies armed with normal magic, swords and spears. I would never expect them to stand up to the likes of Discord, Tirek or the Pony of Shadows. The threats they faced over the years have often been way out of their league, requiring powerful magic to defeat.

Secondly, they are quite a small outfit, numbering around five hundred. They’re a guard, not a standing army, and more like a police force than anything else. Judging them alongside the Changeling Army or the Storm creatures is an unfair appraisal.

And thirdly, it has often not been a fair fight. The wedding and Friendship Festival saw the Royal Guard either infiltrated, or stood down against their better judgement, undermining their ability. And more often than not, the threats they face are far more powerful. How do you expect them to deal with a magic sucking centaur or mad unicorn who can control the minds of others?

Still, despite that logical argument, ponies had begun to complain and whinge, as they so often do, to Celestia about the supposed ineffectiveness of her guard, particularly since the departure of Shining Armor from their ranks. And as a result, Celestia had decided to do a spot of housekeeping. As I said before, there was nothing wrong with the guard per se. The problem was they weren’t equipped to handle the threats they often faced. After all, they had no problem keeping order in the city, even after that near riot after Canterlot lost the buckball match to Whinnyappolis. So, some beefing up of defences was in order. If the Guard was going to go with the likes of Sombra, never mind this Grogar twit, they needed more firepower and better defences. If there’d been AA batteries on the rooftops, and a dedicated radar network during the friendship festival, those airships wouldn’t have lasted five seconds.

The question now was who to get to help revise things and devise these new security arrangements. That, as it turned out, was a bit of a sticking point between the two sisters.

“No, absolutely not!” Luna boomed angrily from her own throne to her sister. “We are perfectly capable of dealing with our own guards. There’s no need to have that lackadaisical prince come all the way down here to reteach them all challenge phrases.”

“Luna,” Celestia replied gently, looking to calm her fiery younger sibling .”Shining Armor was the best Captain of the Royal Guard I’ve ever had. You need only look at the way he’s transformed the Imperial Crystal Guard to see that.” Luna snorted.

“As I recall, they were just as ineffective against the likes of Sombra. And he too was of little use. The foal didn’t even think to check on his own daughter until Cadence brought it up! And may I remind you he surrendered to that infernal upstart rather than stand and fight.”

I now waded in, again playing the peacemaker between the two.

“Luna, Shining couldn’t have won against Sombra,” I pointed out. “That madman was too powerful for him to take on alone. It was sensible to live to fight another day, rather than put himself at undue risk that could have gotten him killed.” Luna however was unmoved.

“Those who want to, let them fight,” she said. “And those who will not fight in this world of eternal struggle, do not deserve to live.” I scowled.

“Quoting Hitler never won an argument,” I replied crossly.

“I still say that Celestia and I would be better suited to devising the new security arrangements,” she persisted. “We are more aware of the powerful magic that would be in play and are better suited to devising ways to counter it. Shining Armor, while he may be a fine guardspony, is not a mage or wizard.”

“It’s not just magic though, Luna,” I replied. “We need to look for ways to defend against all threats, both conventional and unconventional. The Guard needs to be able to prevent infiltration, as well as direct attack. After all, two of the most serious incidents in the past few years involved kidnapping from under their noses.”

“Look, Luna,” Celestia tried. “Why don’t you just listen to what Shining Armor has to say? I’m sure the two of you could potentially work together.” Luna pondered that for a moment.

“Fine,” she said at last. “But I still say you and I should be doing this ourselves sister. As princesses of Equestria, we should have no need of outside help.”

And so, Shining Armor was summoned and put on the books once more as a security consultant. He spent the next week going over things, inspecting the Guard as it was under Flash Magnus, looking at gaps in their defences, and where improvement and change was needed. Our paths crossed when he came to pay me a visit in my office, in quite the unusual way too.

I was busy going over the documents on a legal dispute regarding the border between the city of Manhattan and the smaller townships surrounding it. The city was looking to start a new construction project to expand its suburban areas, and was now apparently crossing into land already claimed by other towns. And in true Manehattan fashion, they’d thrown a right hissy fit over it, and at some point, somepony had threatened to cram a copy of the Equestria Daily up somepony else’s rear end. So muggins here was stuck with neutral arbitration.

It was as I was reviewing this fascinating case that I became aware of an odd sound outside. I keep the window to my office slightly open as a rule to keep the air from getting too musty; all those books, you see. Normally, I can hear the sounds of the city far below, but at the moment, I could hear something much closer at hand. It sounded like somepony struggling with something, and it was steadily growing louder.

Perplexed, I went over to the open window and was just about to look out when, to my amazement, Shining Armor appeared. The sounds I heard were of him climbing his way up the side of the castle, using the creeping vines for leverage. He was joined a moment later by a pegasi holding a notepad and quill.

“Here,” the unicorn said, clearly a little exhausted. “Enemies could potentially climb up here and use open windows to gain access to the castle, bypass the checkpoints that are already in place. These creeping vines need to be taken down, as does anything on the roof that might act as a land anchor.”

“Got it, sir,” the pegasus guard replied, jotting down some notes.

“Hey there, Roger,” Shining said with a wave. “Mind if I come in?” I couldn’t help but be stunned for a moment by the surreal sight before me. Eventually though, common manners reasserted themselves.

“Er...yeah, sure, Shining. Come on it.”

I stepped back from the window, and the stallion hauled himself through the window and landed quite gracefully on the marble floor.

“Sorry to drop in, but I’m just going over the new security arrangements,” he explained.

“I figured,” I replied. “Something told me you weren’t climbing up here to confess your undying love to me.” Shining Armor laughed, but quickly fired back.

“No, I wouldn’t want to take you away from Princess Celestia,” he replied, referring to that stupid article in the paper that suggested I might be going out with Tia. Smiling, I gestured for him to take a seat and rest.

“So how are things coming anyway?” I asked.

“I’ve got a few good ideas,” he said as he eased himself into a seat and did his best to get his breath back. I think he hasn’t quite admitted to himself that he’s not a young buck any more. “That way I see it, there are two kinds of threats that the castle needs to be protected against; direct assault and infiltration.”

“Makes sense,” I agreed. “Particularly with that whack job Chrysalis still out there. She could either try and sneak in, or, with her powerful magic, she might try and do what Sombra did. The pair of them have similar abilities after all.”

“Right, so I first looked at how to prevent infiltration. And for starters, that means getting the Royal Guard trained up when it comes to telling friend from foe. I’ve been working with Flash to rearrange the duty rosters so that guards will constantly stand watch in the same locations, getting to know ponies in their section very well. That way, any infiltration will be easier to see, compared to how things are now, where guards are regularly moving around the castle. I plan on doing something similar with other castle staff.

“In addition, I’m also looking at implementing this idea from the Crystal Guard. Each pony will have a small crystal on their armour, tuned to a certain magical frequency. Each door in the castle will have a lock that only opens if it detects the right frequency, so only ponies who have that key can get in.”

“Sounds like RFID cards back on Earth,” I replied. “Similar technology; if you don’t have a key, you can’t go somewhere you don’t belong. So even if somepony looked like a guard, they couldn’t bluff their way past a locked and guarded door. Anything else?”

“Yeah, I’m installing a new alarm system in the area around the throne room and the princesses’ chambers.”

“Nice,” I replied, imagining some intricate security system. “What is it, lasers, motion sensors, biometric recognition?” Shining shook his head.

“Geese,” he replied with a smile.

“Geese?” I parroted in confusion. Shining nodded.

“They’re highly territorial and hostile towards creatures they don’t know. And when they do get alarmed, they make enough noise to wake the whole city. Plus, in addition to sounding the alarm, they can pretty dangerous in large numbers; enough to at least delay an opponent until the guards arrive.”

I wanted to take him seriously, I really did. But the idea just sounded so damn ridiculous. I mean, geese, really? Sure they’re annoying nasty little buggers who can peck a chunk out of your hand, but they were hardly an effective security system. I mean, for one thing ,they have to sleep.

“That’s ridiculous!” I exclaimed, unable to think of a way to sugar coat my opinion. “Geese aren’t a security system. They’re the jackass that Canadians created as a way of removing and storing all their anger so they’re nice to everyone else. They’ll just fall asleep or shut up if you chuck them some bread.”

“Eh, you say that now, Roger,” Shining countered. “But I’ve been running some field tests with the geese from the Royal Garden and they’ve been pretty encouraging.” I was still unconvinced.

“You can say what you like, Shining,” I replied, but geese will never come into my head when I think of security systems.” Now Shining smiled.

“Oh really?” he said. “How about a live demonstration then? We’ve got the first group set up in the throne room right now for testing. If you can sneak in there without them catching you, I’ll but you lunch.”

“Done,” I replied extending a hand to shake on it, and seal the bet as a gentlemen’s agreement.

I mean really, how bad could geese be? I’ve been an officer in the UVF and once sneaked past a whole mess of Garda officers on a job south of the border. I’m pretty sure I can overcome some angry birds.

Okay, so I was wrong. It’s been known to happen. There were, as it turned out, a few things that I didn’t count on. Firstly, Equestrian geese are noticeably larger than their Terran counterparts, and look more like flamingoes than anything else. Two, they are a whole lot more aggressive and territorial. They not only don’t tolerate you coming near them, they don’t tolerate you being in the same room as them either. And finally, and perhaps most crucial of all, the featherless, honking bastards have teeth. Yes, you read that right; teeth. They can bite as well as peck. If these things don’t work out, I’m tempted to put forth a motion in court to have all geese in Equestria exterminated.

Anyway, so I tried my luck sneaking into the throne room. Shining gave me a simple task. Go and sit in Celestia’s throne undetected. The alicorn was currently in her chambers while Shining was testing his new security features, so I doubted she’d mind too much, certainly less than when she catches Discord lounging there.

I have one key advantage over ponies when it comes to sneaking. I don’t have hooves and can move pretty much silently if needed. Arriving at the double doors of the throne room, I undid the laces, and took of my shoes to give me that added bit of stealth and crouched down low, balancing myself on the balls of my feet.

Gently pulling down on the door handle, I hesitated for a moment, lest the sound wake up any of the geese. Then, with equally great care and caution, I eased the one door open and peeked inside. The geese were all stationed on pedestal like perches, some ten feet off the ground, and were all seemingly asleep, their heads curled up along their bodies. None of them seemed to be stirring, so I pressed on. Crossing the threshold, I carefully began to creep my way towards the throne. The floors were all solid crystal and marble, so I wasn’t worried about squeaky floorboards. I moved without a sound, like a god damn ninja towards the throne, and I would have got there if I hadn’t forgotten one thing; scent.

Despite being asleep, these geese apparently had a razor sharp sense of smell. About halfway to my target, one of them began to stir. I went stock still and hoped it would pass, but it made no difference. One by one, the evil beasts began to wake, and as soon as they opened their eyes, they clocked me.

And that’s when the honking started. The noise was deafening as the birds screeched at me, flapping their wings in agitation. Seeing my cause was lost, I prepared to beat a hasty retreat, as the birds were now starting the fly down from their perches and chase me, teeth bared.

I just about made it to the door, though I still had no idea how I was to avoid being eaten alive, when help arrived in the form of a very angry Luna. The Night Princess had had a busy night previously, and was now somewhat sleep deprived. Being woken by geese, for what was, as I later learned, the third time, had not put her in the best of tempers. Still, I’ll take angry alicorn over angry geese any day. Dashing behind her, I got to see the fireworks.

“Shut up dammit!” she howled in the Royal Canterlot Voice. A moment later, a spell fired from her horn, and all the geese fell fast asleep.

My reprieve was short lived however, as she quickly rounded on me. She didn’t look too good, with deep bags under her bloodshot eyes. I grimaced at the sight of the typically graceful and composed Luna in such a state.

“Give me coffee if you want to live,” she said plainly.

Luckily, I wasn’t murdered by one of my princesses, and instead found myself a little while later taking lunch with Shining Armor at a restaurant close to the castle. I wasn’t having much, since I was footing the bill, but Shining was more than content to order the most expensive thing on the menu.

“Believe me now, do you, Roger?” he asked, with just the tiniest hint of smugness.

“Okay, I admit it,” I caved. “Geese can be a security system. Assuming you can train them to recognise certain ponies.”

“I’m working on it,” he replied. “Just count yourself lucky you didn’t actually get to the throne.”

“Why?” I asked, pausing in my meal.

“I also had a trap door installed at the foot of the throne. Anypony except Celestia or Luna try to get up there, and the floor opens up to drop them into a pit.”

“Very Daring Do of you,” I replied. “So what else do you have planned apart from geese and trap doors?”

Shining pulled out a set of blueprints from his saddlebags.

“Well, first of all, I figured that a lot of threats to Canterlot come from the air. So I plan on installing these huge fans around the castle. They’ll set up impassable wind currents, making it imposable for anypony to fly near the castle unless they know the exact route to take. And to help fight attacks by magic users, Starswirl has helped out by reconfiguring those shards of Chrysalis’ old throne to block unauthorised magic throughout the castle. If Sombra tried the trick again, he’d find his mind control magic blocked. After all, the throne was strong enough to block even chaos magic. And finally, I had all the entrances to the tunnels under the castle sealed up and guarded.”

That last one certainly made sense, particularly now that we know about all those old crystal mine shafts and caverns underneath the city.

“Nice,” I admitted. “Anything else?” Shining nodded.

“I’ve also had Flash Magnus do another recruitment drive to help bolster the Guard’s numbers. In another few months, we should have over seven hundred guards protecting the castle and Canterlot.”

It certainly all seemed like a good idea. You had intrusion detection by the geese, magic dampening to stop powerful spells being used by an attacker, the huge wind turbines to make attack from the air difficult, and those enchanted gems to guard against infiltration. All in all, it looked pretty solid to me. But as a wise man once said, no battle plan ever survives first contact with the enemy. To be considered truly effective, the whole system would need to be tested, and Shining had quite the plan for that, involving his little sister.

He told me about this little toy crown they’d had for years, since they were little foals. While the pair don’t have that much of a sibling rivalry, given their relatively equal positions in life, they did have a serious competition going over this little trinket, and Shining planned to use that in a test to see just how effective his new arrangements were.

His plan was simple. If Twilight could somehow get into the castle and bypass the defences, breach the throne room and get her hooves on the crown, she’d win, and Shining would use that as a way to plug any holes in his new system. And if she didn’t make it...well, Twilight was without a doubt one of the smartest and most powerful ponies in all Equestria. If she couldn’t beat it, nopony could. So he’d invited her up to Canterlot with her friends. If nothing else, it would be nice for the siblings to reunite, considering the last time they met, Sombra was on the loose in the Crystal Empire. And, of course, Shining was rather keen on getting one over on his little sister. After all, she has saved his hide...what...six times now? Never mind that his little sister was soon to become ruler of all Equestria, and, much more alarmingly from his point of view, was steadily growing taller, to the point that she wasn’t that far behind her big brother.

But that was by the by. The point of the exercise was to test the new arrangements. If this all worked out, then the only way I can see of getting into the castle without authorisation would be to have access to magic on par with Discord. They’d already wargamed their way through the attack by the storm creatures, and between the restored airship fleet, and the new defences for the castle, had the Friendship Festival happened today, the Storm King would have met his end long before he did.

The only downside was the annoyance caused by all these new security measures. It certainly made getting around the castle a whole lot more difficult. Every few yards you came across a guard checkpoint and had to show some ID and go through a magic scanner and have a chunk of that throne run over you to break any disguise or illusion spell.

The little RFID crystals weren’t too bad. In fact I was quite used to that. The Magistrates Court back home had had a similar system that let you into the CPS offices, the duty solicitors offices, as well as the cafeteria where they had the nice toilets that the clients couldn’t destroy. Some of the guards though, particularly the earth ponies, had a bit of time manipulating them with their hooves, instead opting to affix them to the chest piece of their armour. Of course, that meant, to get through any secured door, they had to bodily press themselves up against it to release the lock.

And then there was the geese. Shining had them set up not only in the throne room, but in several sensitive areas of the castle, such as the archives. They were very good at detecting movement. The only problem is that they didn’t care if it was friend or foe. They didn’t like anypony coming within a mile of them. False alarms became an annoyingly common occurrence, as did an angry Luna doing her best to calm the birds down.

And speaking of Luna, I have to say, she wasn’t taking any of this well. I think I’ve said it before that, in contrast to Celestia, who likes to guide ponies towards their goals, Luna likes to just solve the problem for them, and regularly lobbies for the two of them to take a more active role in Equestrian affairs. And she was rather keen on the two of them reviewing the security of their own castle. As she’d said earlier when Celestia first pitched the idea, she figured that as alicorns, they were more able to see the powerful magic that could be employed to overcome defences.

And while she had begrudgingly accepted Shining’s temporary role as security consultant, she still wasn’t happy about it. I think a lot of ponies forget that, if nothing else, Celestia and Luna are sisters. And like all sisters, from time to time, they fight. And this was proving to be a real wedge issue for the two sisters. For the moment though, Luna was content to merely grumble and angrily cast sleep spells to shut the geese up whenever they started their infernal honking.

To be honest, it was kind of annoying to me too. My work takes a lot of time, energy and concentration. And now, without fail, every time a guard patrol went past my office and passed the corridor to the throne room, our wonderful new security system went off. There would be a good thirty seconds of honking, followed by some colourful language from a certain midnight blue alicorn, then a burst of magic, and silence. Forty five minutes later, the same thing would happen again.

The geese were all well and good, but if you were going to end up with this many false positives, you were going to end up with a cry wolf effect before too long.

And then there were the fans. Back home, from time to time, a little bird would mistake the windows in my kitchen for an open path and fly into them with a resounding thunk. Now imagine that, only increase the bird to have the size and weight of a pony. The first time a pegasus slammed into my window, it scared the living daylights out of me. By the fourth, it was just annoying. The new fans were making it damn near impossible for the guards to do their new patrol patterns.

But these little problems were minor compared to the one thing the redoubtable Shining Armor had overlooked. That one thing that can render any security system, no matter how advanced, utterly useless; a man on the inside.

So, the competition began to see whether it would be Twilight or Shining who would be crowned Sibling Supreme. Of course, as much as I wanted to, I didn’t have the luxury of spectating. Time and tide and buttered eggs wait for no man, as they say, and nor did legal paperwork. Still, my office gave me a good overview of the castle courtyard, so I would be able to see Twilight and her friends from there, at least until they got inside the castle.

After lunch with Shining I headed back to my office. As I said before, I now had to pass through several checkpoints to get there. It was honestly almost as bad as Belfast back in the day; all that was missing was the ironically named ‘Peace Walls’. And it was as I was making my way through yet another one of these checkpoints that I came across a face that was vaguely familiar.

He sort of reminded me of Dewdrop. Like my daughter’s boyfriend, he was a pegasus with an aqua coat and a blonde mane and tail. That though, was where the similarities ended. This stallion was somewhat taller and lankier compared to Dewdrop, his mane was more of a rat’s nest and he was badly in need of a proper shave, with a faint five o’clock shadow around his muzzle. I knew this chinless wonder; this was Zephyr Breeze, Fluttershy’s older brother. Last I heard he’d gone off to barber college. What the smeg was he doing here? More to the point, what was he doing in the armour of the Royal Guard?

“Zephyr Breeze?” I asked in surprise. The stallion turned to me with a look of surprise. Not being from round Canterlot way, he probably wasn’t used to seeing a human casually wandering around.

“Oh! Erm...yes?” he replied nervously, before regaining his confidence and adding. “That’s my name; don’t wear it out!”

His voice was effeminate; painfully so. Despite the fact that I’ve heard from Fluttershy, via Discord, that he hits on Rainbow Dash every time they meet, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is completely and utterly bent. The only way he could make it more obvious is if he bought a sports jacket with the words ‘The Other Team’ emblazoned on it. Still, I guess, despite that, and his occupation as a stylist, he wasn’t quite ready to admit that.

Still, on the other hand, it was good to see the Royal Guard was so accepting of ponies from the LGBT community. Maybe that’s how he’d gotten in; positive discrimination. Either that or Flash Magnus was really getting desperate for ponies.

“Since when are you in the Royal Guard?” The stallion drew himself to attention and saluted poorly.

“Well I figured that having a bit more disposable income couldn’t hurt,” he explained. “And when the princesses announced the new recruitment drive, I leapt at the chance.”

I wasn’t mean enough to straight up ask him how he got through selection, never mind the academy. But there was no way in hell Zephyr met the basic fitness requirements, and I can only imagine what his psyche test came back as.

“So you’re guarding the entrance to the tunnels then?” Zephyr nodded.

“Yes, siree,” he replied excitedly. “I’m on the front lines, protecting Equestria from any foe that might seek to do it harm.”

Well, at least he was enthusiastic.

God help Equestria and the flaming Royal Guard!

After that, I returned to my office, and I only caught the odd glimpse of something afoot. I saw Pinkie’s balloon go down when it tried to land near the castle, I caught sight of what I think was Rarity disguised as a guard trying to bluff her way past the sentry post, and I was continually interrupted by that infernal honking from the throne room. Each of that particular incident was quickly followed by Luna shouting in the Royal Canterlot Voice, her language becoming more colourful as the day went on.

In all honesty, I wasn’t sure which horse to put my money on, if you’ll excuse the expression. Shining had developed a very clever interlocking system of security, drawing on the mistakes of the past. He’d made approach from the air difficult, approach from below impossible, and entirely ruled out the effects of magic. Then again, Twilight Sparkle is a genius, and had she taken a less honourable path, I think she would have made a fine criminal mastermind, to the point that she probably would never have need of my services, since she’d never get caught.

It wasn’t until I heard the sounds of hooves coming from the ceiling that I finally decided to put off work and go and watch the display. Twilight was evidently going for a multi pronged attack, going after all the defences. And knowing her, some of them at least, were just ploys to draw attention away. I once made the mistake of having a game of chess with her when she came to visit Tia. She mated me in twenty three moves. Still doesn’t beat Celestia’s record of seven though.

I figured, in reality, if I thought for a minute that there was an intruder in the castle, I’d be doing all in my power to track them down. After all, I might need to do it all for real some day. I may not be magical, or have wings, or super strength, but I’m human; a natural predator, trained in combat, and I’ve held my own in the past. When the Storm King attacked, I was the one who broke Bones and me out of our cells, and had Twilight’s friends not launched their own attack when they did, I would have made a play against the Storm King. So if this was going to be a fair test of security, I would need to go and see who it was that was skulking about on the roof. Presumably, somepony was trying to get in by the skylights that lit up the throne room in both day and night.

Leaving my office, I made my way to the throne room. Unfortunately, the various checkpoints held me up, to the point that, by the time I’d got there, it was all over, and the puppet master, hiding in the shadows, had stepped forth for all to see. I came to the side entrance to the throne room, where the princesses typically entered from. From there I saw it all unfold.

You see, Spike had decided to play double agent. While ostensibly helping Twilight get the crown, he was actually planning to grab it for himself. After all, he’s just as much Twilight’s sibling as Shining. And he’d found an ally in Luna, who was more than happy to see Shining’s new improvements bested. Together, the two of them had schemed and, through clever misdirection, managed to win the day.

You should have seen the look on poor Tia’s face. Twilight and Shining took it well. But Celestia was cheesed off about Luna going over her head, and making her look just a bit stupid. Of course, they couldn’t descend into quarrelling in front of their subjects, and the pair carefully retreated out of the room, and ran right into me, the plastic smiles still on their faces.

“Well, that went well,” I said to the pair of them. “Luna, Machiavelli would be impressed. Tia, your brilliant new security system was beaten by a baby dragon.”

“A baby dragon and a scheming princess,” she replied, shooting a cross look at Luna.

“I warned you that Shining Armour wouldn’t be up to it,” she replied smugly. “If we’d arranged the new defences, this would never have happened.” All three of us started to walk to Celestia’s chambers, with me carefully inserting myself between the two siblings.

“True,” Celestia replied, still annoyed. “Because if we’d done it, you wouldn’t have deliberately undermined the whole thing!”

“Sister,” Luna replied. “Our most dangerous enemies are more than capable of dealing with our guards. At the end of the day, they are ordinary ponies. We should not be expecting them to deal with foes that threaten even us, and no amount of bells and whistles is going to change that. I’ve said it a thousand times; we must take a more active role in the defence of the realm.”

“We do, Luna,” Celestia replied, as we walked into the dining room and some much needed privacy. “But we can’t take care of every little thing in Equestria. A wise leader delegates.”

“Indeed they do,” Luna countered, now muzzle to muzzle with her sister. “But a wise leader does not delegate everything, which is what you seem to be fond of doing!”

“Why you…!”

This was getting ridiculous.

“Alright, enough!” I called over the two of them. The sisters stopped arguing and both turned to look at me.

“You’re not going to accomplish anything by screaming at each other,” I went on. “I thought we all learned our lesson about failing to communicate after that whole mess when Starlight came to the castle. Instead of yelling at each other, just talk. Like adults.”

Both sisters looked away from each other, evidently embarrassed that, despite the both of them being at least a thousand years old, they still squabbled like little kids sometimes. Eventually, Luna broke the silence.

“I just have a hard time trusting other ponies with my protection,” she admitted. “I’ve always felt safer when I know that I’ve done all in my power to make it that way. Having no say in all this just made me feel even more vulnerable. Particularly considering all that’s happened.”

“And I suppose, given my own recent failings,” Celestia admitted. “I didn’t really trust myself to organise the security. I’ve been almost sidelined so many times now, and saved by Twilight and her friends just as much, that I sometimes don’t trust myself.” Luna looked up in surprise.

“That isn’t why you suggested we abdicate is it?” she asked with some alarm. I’ll admit, this sudden loss of confidence from Celestia surprised even me. Celestia shook her head.

“No,” she replied reassuringly. “I had the idea in my mind for a few years now. I do not doubt either of our abilities to be good rulers. I just know that, of all my skills, security isn’t one of them. I’m sorry I didn’t take your own feelings into account, sister.”

The two alicorns lovingly nuzzled each other in an adorable display of affection.

“You know, maybe we’ve been looking at this the wrong way,” I suggested. “You’ve both settled with one option or the other; Shining does the security, or you do. Why not both? Twilight and her friends all worked together to achieve their goal, as did Spike and Luna here. Why don’t we take what we’ve learned from the test today, and all four of us work with Shining to make some additional improvements?”

“You would join us, Roger?” Celestia asked. I shrugged my shoulders.

“Well, you know what they say; send a thief to catch a thief.”

And so, the four of us sat down later that evening to go over what we had learned and make a few changes here and there, as well as adding some new ideas into the mix. By the time Luna raised the moon, we had quite the set of improvements in the works. All in all, I was quite pleased. The only problem was that all defences have a breaking point; they can only take so much punishment. And our enemies would soon have the ability, not to go around all these protective measures, but to tear straight through them.

Chapter 29 - Familiar Faces

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Guys' Night had rolled around again, and I found myself sitting in the main hall of Twilight’s castle. This week it was Spike’s turn, and was often the case, he’d opted to have a game of Ogres and Oubliettes as his pick. We’d been playing for a couple of hours now, and were well into a good campaign. However, this week, we were short one member of our little group.

Rather unexpectedly, Discord had stopped by at the last minute to say that he’d have to bow out this week. Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s been the odd time where that’s happened to all of us. If I’ve had a long case to deal with, if Big Mac has a backlog of work on the farm, and if Spike is working on some big project with Twilight, then we do sadly have to put work before play. Discord however, was an exception. He always made time for Guys Night, just as he did for his weekly visits with Fluttershy. And if there was a game of O&O going, you could guarantee that Captain Wuz would be present, fighting for Spiketopia.

Even more curiously though, he hadn’t said why. He’d just snapped into existence in around the time we were about to start, apologised, and said that he couldn’t stick around, promising to drop by next week. I’d asked him what was up. Regardless of what other ponies might say, the guy is my best friend besides Celestia, and I’ve learnt to be wary when he suddenly clams up. But he wouldn’t say, only that he ‘had some stuff to take care of’. And with that, he’d snapped his talons and vanished again. He wasn’t worried, that much I knew. He seemed his usual, easy going, confident self. But I didn’t like the idea that something might be up.

I mean, let’s be honest, if the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony is hiding something, you want to know what it is. If nothing else, so you can prepare for whatever in Celestia’s name is coming your way. And having known Discord for as long as I have, I know he loves a good scheme. He was up to something, and I wanted to find out what it was. Even his good intended ideas, after all, tend to cause some trouble, like last Hearth’s Warming Eve, when he tricked Rainbow Dash into getting a Winterchilla; a creature that turns into a Winterzilla at night, just so Fluttershy could save the day.

Still, there wasn’t exactly much I could do. It’s not like I can tail Discord to whatever hidey hole he’d run off to. For all I knew, he was in that pocket dimension of his. But I still wanted answers, and planned give him the third degree when he next showed up. It could be nothing, but you don’t live my life without learning to trust your gut. And my gut said he was up to something shady.

The notion that something was up stuck with me the entire game, to the point that it actually started to affect my gameplay. I ended up getting knocked out by some griffin bandits and had to have Big Mac’s character revive me. Still, the game was fun, and it was always nice to spend some time with the pair. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was up.

After our little meeting broke up for the evening, I started on my way home. It was a fairly short walk from Twilight’s castle to my house. Back on Earth, I might have been a touch wary about walking home in the dark. But Ponyville is pretty safe; most ponies don’t even lock their doors. It wasn’t even that dark either. The moon was full and there was more than enough light to see by.

As I made my way onto Stirrup Street though, old instincts flared up. I felt a presence, close at hand; someone was following me. I didn’t stop, didn’t turn around, or do anything else to show that I was onto them. I instead went with that old trick of making four turns on the same bloc. They were still on my tail after turn four. Whoever this pony was, they weren’t just somepony on their way home in the evening. Stopping on the street corner, I paused and looked in a shop window, using the reflection in the glass to look behind me. The pony was across the street now, standing near a lamp post. They were a unicorn by the look of it, although I couldn’t be sure, since they were standing in shadow. Still, no time like the present. Wheeling round, I called out.

“Can I help you?” I asked, making the pony start. A moment later though, they stepped out into the light.

It was Twilight Sparkle. Or at least, that’s who it looked like to start with. A second glance though would tell you that something wasn’t quite right. The way her coat sparkled in the night, the oddly serene expression that you’d never find on the stressed out little alicorn, and the fact that I knew that she was having a sleepover at Rarity’s tonight, all told me that this wasn’t really Twilight.

This was the Tree of Harmony. Twilight was the avatar it chose for itself. She and I had met before now, not long after Sombra had gotten loose and apparently destroyed the Tree. It had been the one who had, ultimately, turned me onto the lead about Grogar. . It was odd to see it out in the open like this. The Tree was cryptic and mysterious at the best of times. Why would it suddenly step out into the world to meet with me? Well, unless it wanted something. Her deep purple eyes fixed on my own with a stare the hinted at the age and power behind them.

“We must speak,” she said.

Her voice had a slight echoing quality to it, as if she were speaking from a great distance. Then again, I suppose she was, considering that the Tree itself was deep within the Everfree Forest, now turned into a clubhouse for Twilight’s star students.

“Oh, what about?” I asked curiously.

“You are concerned about Chaos,” she said. “His actions occupy your thoughts.”

Could the Tree read minds, I wondered to myself? Or was I just that easy to read? ‘Twilight’ continued.

“I am here to tell you that he is playing his part in the final test, and to offer you the chance to see it unfolding.”

Like I said, this strange, ancient being spoke in riddles on a good day.

“What do you mean?” I asked. The Tree then showed its other annoying habit.

“It is simpler if I show you.”

And with that, I found myself caught in a teleportation spell.

As with Celestia or Discord, the Tree’s version of a teleport was noticeably different to that of your common or garden above average unicorn. I didn’t know where I was exactly, but I had no doubt that I was a long way from Ponyville. I found myself standing in a large cavern. There were lanterns scattered about, giving the place more than enough light to see by, while casting menacing shadows into dark corners. The whole place gave me goosebumps.

Various paths, leading up and down, appeared to lead off into several other chambers. This cave system had to be quite large; certainly on a par with Twilight’s castle. What caught my attention though was what was at the centre of the room. A chunk of rock had apparently been carved down, either by nature or by intent, to resemble a large, round table, and what could pass for seats. It reminded me, in a way, of the map room, where Twilight and her friends would get sent on friendship quests. But unlike that magical construct, this table didn’t have a clever 3D projection of Equestria and the surrounding lands. Instead, resting on the surface, was a large crystal ball that appeared to resemble the eye of a sheep or goat. The thing gave off an unnatural, dark glow; pulsating with light, and yet shining with darkness. You didn’t need to be an expert in magic to know that it was bad news, and that was further reinforced by the old chap was currently gazing into it with his back to me.

Grogar, as I surmised that was who it was, was about the size of Sombra or Luna, perhaps a little taller, with a shaggy light blue coat. But his most prominent feature was the absolutely massive horns that curled back on themselves atop his head, which gave him the appearance more like an Arabian ibex than a goat. Although like a goat, he had an impressive beard that could rival Starswirl’s. Around his neck was a sort of collar, lined with a series of little golden bell chimes.

I had apparently been transported to this place alone. The Tree had not joined me as far as I could see, although I expected it was at least watching me, somehow. That creature is many things, but it doesn’t throw you into danger without giving you a way out. Still, I was at a loss as to do what I should do. From what Bones had told me, Grogar had much that was more than a match for the princesses, or any other pony. The only way to defeat him was to steal his bell, the source of his power, leaving him weak and vulnerable.

Not that that was much help to me. I’m no unicorn anyway. I wouldn’t have the first idea about how to fight him with such magic. But, on the other hand, I’ve always believed in that old axiom; if it bleeds, you can kill it, and I still had my old knife strapped to my ankle. I’ve carried it ever since Chrysalis kidnapped Tia and Luna, and it had served me well during the attack by the Storm King, and made me feel much safer walking through the rougher parts of Canterlot. Grogar could have all the magic he wanted, but no magic could help if I slit his neck open and watched him bleed out.

So, seeing an opportunity to nip a problem in the bud, I prepared to make my move. Unfortunately, as I began to creep down the rocky steps toward my target, a few pebbles came loose and clattered down, echoing around the chamber, and giving me away.

Grogar started and turned around to face me. My own dark brown eyes met his devious looking yellow and red ones. Spotting one another, we both froze where we were. Me crouched down, blade held ready to slash at my target, and he staring me down, a look of mild surprise on his features. He was the one to break the silence.

“I wondered if you might find your way in here,” he said in a low, gravelly voice that suggested someone getting on in years.

I didn’t say anything back. I wasn’t sure what to say. I’d never met this guy in my life, and he seemed to know me. Grogar continued.

“Let me guess,” he went on. “That infernal Tree of Harmony tracked me down and sent you here to clue you in on my master plan?”

Okay, what? He knew about the Tree too? How could he know me, how could he know anything? Grogar smiled at me in a way that seemed oddly familiar. And as I was still dumbfounded, both by his manner and that fact that he hadn’t tried to kill me yet, he decided to reveal what was really going on.

“Well, what’s the matter, Roger?” he asked, dumping fuel on the fire of my confusion. “Don’t you recognise your own best friend?”

With that, Grogar began to power up his magic, his horns glowing with that same darkness that somehow gave off a horrid light. Snapping out of my reprieve, I readied myself for his attack, but it never came. Instead, the ancient goat sorcerer's form began to change. The blue coat faded into grey, the body turned into that of a biped, the two horns turned mismatched, and a pair of odd wings sprouted from his back, while his stub of a tail turned into a long serpentine thing. The only thing that didn’t change were those clever yellow and red eyes. A moment later, and the transformation was complete, and I found myself, not staring down Grogar, but face to face with Discord.

As a wise man once said; well, this is new.

“Ta da!” Discord said gleefully, party poppers exploding confetti out behind him.

“You’re...you’re Grogar?” I exclaimed in surprise. Discord nodded.

“Honestly, I’d have thought that at least that maniacal Chrysalis would have noticed a disguise spell,” he said. “But they all just accepted the fact than an ancient evil had come back to life and wanted their help to take over the world.”

Quite the revelation tat one. It took a minute for the ramifications to sink in.

“So hang on,” I said. “Grogar isn’t real then?” Discord shrugged.

“Oh, he was real,” he replied. “But he’s long gone from this world. I made sure of that. There’s nothing quite as awkward as having the guy you’re impersonating walk in on you.”

“So it was all you then?” I went on, now starting to realise what all this meant. “You broke Cozy and Tirek out of Tartarus, you found Chrysalis and brought her here? And you brought Sombra back and set him loose on the Crystal Empire and all Equestria?!”

Discord quickly saw that his brilliant plan wasn’t getting the reception he was expecting, and, in the true fashion of the chaos spirit, tried to downplay the near catastrophic results of his actions.

“Erm...kinda?” he shrugged awkwardly.

With that, I snapped. My hands moved much faster than my mouth. Pretty much out of reflex, I socked my best friend on the jaw. Immortal incarnation of chaos or not, the blow sent him sprawling on the floor. I immediately jumped on him and wrapped my hands around his throat.

“Why you reality warping…!” I exclaimed, choking the unfortunate draconequus, who’s mouth was now stuck open as he tried to catch a breath. In hindsight, it must have looked like a skit from the old Simpsons show, with Homer and Bart.

Discord could have easily snapped himself out of my grip, but instead, he just tried to bat me off with his lion paw and eagle talon. Eventually, he won out and I relented for a moment.

“What’s the big deal?!” he exclaimed. “It’s not like anypony was ever in any real danger. My chaos magic is more powerful than any of those buffoons. If things go wrong, I can just put them right back where I found them.” I was at a loss for words.

“The big deal, as you put it,”I shouted. “Is that you just let a total of four villains loose on Equestria. Why, Discord?”

Pushing me off of him, Discord got back to his feet, dusting himself off as he went.

“Simple,” he replied. “Our little Princess Twiley is growing up, and in a few months time is going to be the princess. I saw how she was struggling to prepare for the job, and that she could use a confidence boost. If she can deal with four bad guys all at once, then she’ll be ready for whatever comes her way.” Again, I was dumbfounded.

“So you’re telling me that you brought Sombra back, let him loose, causing all sorts of havoc, including my two children being turned into mind controlled soldiers, and Flurry Heart’s life being threatened, and then turned three more villains out into the world, as a test to build Twilight’s confidence?”

“Yep,” Discord replied with a nod.

That got him another right hook to the jaw.

“Are you insane?!” I bellowed, my voice echoing around the chamber. “I mean, I know you’re nuts, Discord. But this is bonkers even by your standards. Any of those villains were dangerous enough on their own, and now you’re ‘helping’ them too. What if something goes wrong?”

“Oh relax, Roger,” he reassured me. “The three of them are quite harmless. My magic is more than a match for any of them, and as far as they’re concerned, they’re working with Grogar, helping to overthrow the princesses and defeat Twilight.”

“How?” I asked. “The least you can do is tell me what they’re planning.” Discord explained.

“The real Grogar had a bell that stored most of his magic and made him powerful enough to be dangerous. I sent the three of them off to Mount Everhoof to find it.” Jesus!

“Mount Everhoof? And you’ve sent them to gain access to a source of vast magical power? Discord, not to state the obvious, but don’t you remember what happened last time we saw a team up; a certain draconequus got stabbed in the back. Those three hate each other and are probably looking to forward their own agenda anyway.”

“Exactly,” Discord replied. “As you say, they hate each other. So at worst they’ll turn on each other. They’d never be a threat to me, and I can flip the kill switch at any time and shut this whole thing down.”

It was mad, stupid, irresponsible, and downright dangerous. This wasn’t just one of Discord’s little schemes; this had the potential to blow up into something very serious. And worse still, partly as a result of his actions, we didn’t have the Elements any more to stop whatever might happen. The idea that he’d brought Sombra back after his own escape was bad enough, but to have Chrysalis and Tirek on the loose (Cozy, I wasn’t so worried about), and allied together was more than I could handle.

“Give me one good reason,” I said in exasperation. “Why I shouldn’t just go and tell Celestia what you’ve done.” Discord opened his mouth to reply, but we were joined by another voice.

“That would be very unwise,” the Tree said, walking into the chamber to join us. I sighed in annoyance. The Tree knew about this, and that meant I had to stay out of it.

“So you’re saying that Discord’s plan is sound then?” I asked. The Tree shook its head.

“It is both dangerous and foolhardy,” the Tree agreed. “But events must follow their course in order to come to a suitable outcome.”

“So if I leave him be,” I went on. “This won’t all end with Equestria in ruins?” The Tree shook its head again.

Well in that case, as much as I hated to admit it, I would need to hold off for the time being. The Tree, being such an ancient magical being, was pretty much omniscient. It knew what was going to happen in the future, and that events had to follow a certain course. Hence why it had not interfered prior to Tirek’s return, and why it had allowed itself to be seemingly destroyed by Sombra. I’d grown to trust the Tree over these past few years, ever since Discord himself told me about how it had contacted him to get him to ‘stick to his script’ as he put it.

If it said Discord needed to play out this scam of his, that was what needed to happen. And much to my never ending frustration, I would need to keep quiet about it. The only upside was that I knew therefore, that these three villains wouldn’t get their way. They would be defeated somehow, although the Tree refused to divulge how this would take place.

So I agreed to keep quiet, and not tell anypony else what Discord was up to. I never liked doing that. Celestia and Luna are some of my closest friends, and it felt so wrong to keep silent about a threat to them and their little ponies. But on the other hand, speaking out could set in motion a chain of events that could lead to a very undesirable outcome. I always said, better the devil you know. And that was my rationale for deceiving them. Still, I hated the fact that I could potentially take down two escaped convicts and a dangerous renegade, and yet could not take action.

On that front though, Discord, after discussing it with the Tree for a moment, offered me something of a compromise. The Three Stooges would be back soon from Mount Everhoof, hopefully with the bell, which Discord, or rather Grogar, would hold onto for safe keeping. All three of them would need to rest in their own rooms, and that would leave Chrysalis alone.

And if you remember, I made a promise to that witch.

And I don’t break my promises.

So the three of us parted ways. The Tree vanished back into the shadows, and Discord, turning back into Grogar, waited for his erstwhile allies to return from their little expedition. I meanwhile, made my way through the odd lair that the four of them called home, and set myself up in Chrysalis’ room. As with the rest of the place, there were plenty of dark shadows to hide in. And what reason would she have to suspect an intruder?

It was about twenty minutes later that I first heard echoes coming from the main chamber, as three new voices appeared. Apparently, despite their best efforts, the trio had been unsuccessful in getting their hooves and hands on Grogar’s bell. Apparently, in ancient days of yore, before even the likes of Starswirl’s merry band, it had been sealed away in a cavern atop Mount Everhoof; a virtually unclimbable mountain due to high winds, avalanches and, if Grogar was to be believed, ancient magic protecting the artifact. Apparently, the bell itself couldn’t be destroyed while it held the magic, so the only option the ponies had had was to contain it. When this was all over, I decided it would probably be a good idea to turn the thing over to the princesses for safe keeping.

Anyway, Grogar scolded the three idiots for their failure and inability to work together, something I think we were both glad for. Although it would be rather ironic if they had. After all, wouldn’t that be the magic of friendship?

That thought was pushed from my mind though as I heard hoofsteps drawing nearer. Chrysalis and her compatriots seemed to converse for a moment after Grogar left, allegedly to come up with another plan, and then headed for her own room. I had stationed myself in a dark corner of her room. It was a spartan affair; just a bed and a desk, with a large mirror for the changeling to vainly admire herself. Like Tirek and Cozy, she had few possessions given her hurried departure from her old hive. However, I did notice an odd piece of lavender coloured wood, though what that could be I had no idea.

Chrysalis entered, and I held my breath. She didn’t see me as she walked in. Like I said before, she wasn’t really looking. Her guard was down, since she felt safe in her temporary home. In a sense, I was giving her a taste of her own medicine. She never went for a fair fight, she always waited until her target’s back was turned, and then struck when they were at their most vulnerable. Sensible really. Following a code of honour, if you ask me, makes you an idiot, not a gentleman. If you can kill your target without risk to yourself, then what’s wrong with stabbing them in the back?

Of course, I wasn’t about to do that. Both the Tree and Bones would be mad at me, although for entirely different reasons. Bones has his own little vendetta against Chrysalis, and despite his embracing the magic of friendship, would still very much like to see her dead. Still, while I couldn’t kill her, I could fulfil the other part of my promise.

Carefully sneaking up behind her, keeping low to stay out of the reflection in the mirror, I made my way towards the changeling. As with Grogar, I had my knife out ready. Guns aren’t really a thing in Equestria, although cannons do exist. If you ask me, a knife is far better in a situation like this. The twenty one foot rule aside, studies have shown that people are less likely to cry out at sight of a knife compared to a gun. It had certainly worked for me back in Ireland. Guns, while not hard to come by, were loud and unwieldy. Give me a blade, knuckle dusters, or baseball bat any day.

But enough about my personal views on deadly and offensive weapons. Time to get down to brass tacks. The key thing would be to put Chrysalis in a life threatening position, before she had a chance to use her magic, and to stop her crying out. So, speed would be essential; speed, aggression, surprise, as the SAS used to say.

I came to stop just outside her peripheral vision when I made my move. Calling on swiftness that I was honestly surprised I still had, I put one hand around her mouth, and brought the knife to her throat. The sight of me suddenly appearing in her reflection did plenty to spook her too. We struggled for a brief moment, but as soon as she felt the cold steel pressed against her chitin, she held still. Our eyes met for a moment in the mirror. I leaned down to whisper into her ear.

“I told you I would find you,” I said softly.

The changeling’s eyes went wide in terror. After all, she didn’t know I was operating on a leash. As far as she was concerned, this was it. Queen Chrysalis was about to leave this world with naught but a whimper. And while I couldn’t kill her, I could leave her with an ominous warning.

“I don’t know what it is that you’re planning, your majesty,” I said, still holding her fast, despite her repeated attempted to kick at me with her hind legs. “But I do know this. All it will take is one quick slice, and you will be dead. Right here, right now.

“Remember this; I had you. For all your magic, your clever plans and your new allies, I still had your number. Your life is in my hands now. If you live to see Celestia raise the sun tomorrow, it will be because I allow it. Everything you do from this day on, is because I let you. Whatever you accomplish in the coming months, no matter what you achieve, it will all be because I let you live. Tonight, you failed. Tonight, you died.”

I drew the blade slowly across her neck, gently grazing the black chitin. She shivered in my grasp, too scared to even consider using her magic or crying out. I will admit that I took some pleasure from her fear and from screwing with her head.

“I’m going to leave you now, Chrysalis,” I went on. “I’m going to take my hand away in a moment, and you’re going to be a good little girl, and keep quiet. You won’t tell Grogar, Tirek, or Cozy what happened here. I imagine you’re too ashamed anyway. It will be just the two of us; our little secret. The mighty Queen of the Changelings, caught out by a human well past his prime.”

Removing the blade, I released her and stood back up to my full height. Given the quadruped nature, despite being as tall as Celestia, I’d been obliged to hunch down slightly in order to pin her. She didn’t move, she just kept her eyes fixed on mine, the terror quickly being replaced by anger.

“Why?” she asked furiously. “Why do this to me? Why not just kill me and be done with it?” I smiled. I even considered telling her the truth for a moment.

“According to my friends in the Buffalo Nations, killing when unnecessary is a sign of stupidity. But in this meeting, I have taken far more than your life, wouldn’t you agree?”

And with that, I left the changeling to her solitude, still shaking like a leaf as I departed.

The Tree transported me back home, and I went back as if nothing had happened. I didn’t say a word to anyone or anypony about what had transpired. And I felt like a right git for it. I mean, I knew about Grogar, I knew that three very dangerous villains were on the loose, and that Discord was responsible for all the major events since the princesses announced their retirement. If I spoke a word of this to Twilight, Celestia, or anypony, the whole matter would have been nipped in the bud, and it would all have been relegated to an interesting thought experiment, instead of the biggest near miss of our time.

But as I said before, I trust that Tree. Even if it doesn’t give me the full story, I knew that Twilight would prevail when push inevitably came to shove. I just felt like such a traitor keeping all this under wraps. I promised myself that, when this was all over, I would tell Celestia everything. Hang the consequences, I’d tell her about the Tree and the fact that it had been letting me in on spoilers since Sombra first came back from the dead. I just hoped my friend would be understanding.

Anyway, after that odd incident, life returned to its normal routine again. I was in this odd world, knowing a storm was on the horizon and yet unable to do much about it. Holding a secret as big as that was hard on my psyche, and I had no doubt that it would eventually start to show through. I just needed to tell somepony, and get this whole thing off my chest. And as luck would have it, Discord knew of just the pony.

Sombra, as you may recall, was once again imprisoned in Tartarus. He voluntarily returned there in order to avoid the wrath of the Tree of Harmony, promising to aid me in defeating Grogar.

Yeah, I didn’t really need his help now, did I?

Sombra has always been a scheming devil, always plotting and planning some way to defeat his enemies. Even when languishing in a prison cell, he was able to come up with a way of using the ponies around him and outside events to further his own agenda. And as much as it pains me to say it, he’s outsmarted me more times that I care to admit. He’s a genius that can rival Celestia in terms of knowledge and planning. He plays the long game, like Discord.

Now though, he didn’t really have a card to play. Grogar was neither real, nor a credible threat. So he had very little to offer me in terms of information. In a sense, he’d shot himself in the foot. He’d willingly gone back to Tartarus, possibly to wait for Grogar to be defeated and use the chaos to make his own move. Instead, he was now stuck here, with no leverage.

I figured that it was time somepony told him that, and explained just how badly he’d overplayed his hand. This was it for him. He had no more cards to play. I could sit back and say that he and I had clashed swords, and I had come out on top. Plus, as I said before, it would be nice to tell somepony about the Tree of Harmony and everything else that I was compelled to keep under my hat.

Discord took me down to Tartarus by way of a portal and joined me to watch the ensuing fireworks. We passed the now empty cells that previously contained Tirek and Cozy, and made for the small cavern that he’d Sombra’s cell.

We found him, as ever, calm and relaxed; confident that he knew more than I did. It was going to be fun to see this psychopath taken down a peg. Discord hung back while I took a seat across from the bars. Sombra looked up as I approached, his red eyes fixing on my own.

“Hello, Roger,” he said in that menacing tone of his. “Have you come for a few pearls of wisdom from little old me?”

Now, at first, I wanted to string him along a bit, have a bit of fun at his expense for once. And then, after he’d given all this useful information, reveal that it was all bunk. But at that moment, I couldn’t help but laugh. And it wasn’t just a chuckle either. I burst out into full on belly laughter, and each time I tried to get myself under control, I’d meet those menacing, and now angry, red eyes again, and it would just get me going again. I must have burst out laughing three or four times before I finally got myself under control again, with tears streaming down my face.

Sombra of course, didn’t take that well. He snarled at me, but without any magic to call on there was little he could do from his side of the bars. He did his best to remain composed, sneering at me as if he was studying some fascinating insect under a magnifying glass. But even he couldn’t bluff his way through it. I’d gotten to him, invalidating him.

Eventually, after I managed to stop laughing. I got my breath back and dried my eyes with a handkerchief, doing my best to regain my own composure. But there was nothing I could do to take the smile off my face as I replied to his question.

“No,” I said simply, after barking out another short laugh.

And that was by far the best moment of the encounter; seeing Sombra, the Machiavellian manipulator, who always has a plan ,and always has some cutting remark on hoof, looking completely and utterly bewildered. The world seemed to have just been pulled out from under him. Wanting to twist the knife further, I explained.

“You’ve been duped, Sombra,” I said. “Grogar is no more a threat to Equestria than...well...you.” That just cheesed him off even more.

“What do you mean?” he demanded. “I saw Grogar’s power. He brought me back from the Ether with ease, freed Lord Tirek and that filly from Tartarus, and effortlessly plucked Chrysalis from her solitude. He is more than a match for Twilight Sparkle, or the princesses.”

“True,” I replied. “But he’s hardly likely to harm Equestria when he’s been such a close ally.”

“Explain!” Sombra roared. I turned to the passageway from which I’d come.

“Oh Grogar?” I called out, prompting Discord is his disguised form to join us. Sombra snarled.

“I believe you two know each other,” I said as the goat walked in. It was wonderful to see Sombra so off balance like this. “But perhaps not as well as you thought.”

With a burst of magic, Discord removed his disguise and gave a friendly wave to Sombra, who’s eyes were now bulging in barely contained fury.

“Discord!” he shouted.

“Hello, crystal for brains,” Discord replied with a grin. “Sorry to break it to you, but you just stumbled onto my little experiment. You didn’t think you actually knocked me down back then did you?”

“Discord brought the four of you together as a little training exercise to prepare Twilight for her new role,” I explained. “He was running the show the entire time you got loose. You never had a chance.”

Sombra said nothing. As a wise man once said, like the greatest virtue, and the worst dogs, the fiercest hatred is silent. And boy did he hate me now.

“Why are you telling me this?” he asked, his voice little more than a whisper through gritted teeth. I shrugged my shoulders.

“Well, I figured that you should know that I won’t be coming back to here again. You’re of no use to me any more.”

So, what?” Sombra asked. “Are you going to let that Tree contraption finally destroy me?” I shook my head.

“No, Sombra. You turned my children into mindless slaves, harmed my dear friends, and no doubt would have eventually done the same to me. For that, I will do far worse than kill you. Telling you all this has hurt you. And I wish to go on...hurting you. I shall leave you, as Tirek left my dearest friends. Marooned for all eternity in this place, buried alive.” I leaned in close and glared at him through the bars, a cruel smile on my face. “Buried alive.”

Discord then snapped his talons, and the two of us returned to my office from whence we’d come.

I could still hear Sombra screaming in wordless anger though. Closing my eyes, I leaned back in office chair, and revelled in the knowledge that I had just beaten my old foe.

Chapter 30 - Vacation

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Kill me. Please, somepony, anypony, put me out of my misery. I don’t want to live on this planet any more.

Okay, maybe I’m being a touch dramatic, but I was going ever so slightly crazy as I stood next to Celestia’s throne. I’d been called in consult on what initially appeared to be an interesting case relating to the succession of the throne, but it had quickly turned sour.

You see, in Day Court, cases are brought by petitioners. They can be anypony from accomplished politicians to your average Joe. And then there was Nit Pick. He was a wannabe lawyer, and had apparently skimmed through a few legal textbooks. And he was using this knowledge to try and argue that the princesses’ abdication was illegal and demanding that they cancel their retirement plans.

To be fair, he had started with at least a semblance of rationality, arguing that any changes to the sitting government had to be approved by at least two thirds of the nobility. But when Celestia had gently brushed aside these points, his arguments had quickly devolved into long, painful rants about how only Celestia and Luna were fit to rule. He turned out to be one of those wackos that, despite the assurances to the contrary, believe the princesses to be goddesses.

I’m not even going to argue the point of a pony arguing with a god.

We’d been stuck listening to this ad hoc Ted talk for the past half hour. But as much as it annoyed me, he had a right to make his petition, in its entirety, without interruption or censure. So there was very little anypony could do to stop him. I had no choice but to sit and listen to his inane prattle.

Celestia and Luna, for both were present in court at the moment, were also getting tired of Nit Pick’s drivel. And unlike me, they had a way out. I’m not quite sure how to put this, but over the past week or so, the princesses have been repeatedly ditching court in order to go and help ponies in trouble. I’m talking full on, don capes, dash out of the window, save the day type stuff. At first it was just a little odd, but lately, they’ve been using it as a get out of jail free card for when court gets too dry.

And they were planning on using it right now it seemed.

“And that,” Nit went on, entirely ignorant or uncaring of the bored faces around him. “Is why you cannot lawfully retire from your positions, princesses.”

At least, we all breathed a sigh of relief as he finally stopped talking. Now, Celestia could give him her response to his petition. Obviously, she was only going to give one response, and that would be a big, fat no. But to her credit, she would always dress up her rebuttals into polite language. She was just about to open her mouth to respond, when the rambling moron started again.

“Furthermore!” he declared, pointing his hoof in the for emphasis.

I almost screamed as I did my best to stay composed standing next to Celestia, scroll and quill in hand, taking notes for future reference. I cursed the protocol that required the legal advisor to be present for all legal cases.

At that moment though, a young guard burst into the throne room, startling Nit Pick out of his rhythm.

“Princess Celestia! Princess Luna!” he exclaimed as he caught his breath. “A huge turtle is attacking Sweet Apple Acres and is threatening Ponyville. Princess Twilight is doing her best to hold the creature back, but it’s eating half the trees and will reach the town in minutes.”

Oh no.

The two princesses were on their hooves in an instant.

“We shall aid our fellow princess!” Luna declared in a heroic sounding voice.

“Indeed, my sister,” Celestia agreed. “Come, there’s evil afoot! Day Court is hereby temporarily suspended.”

And with that, the two of them leapt through the nearby open window and took flight, leaving me, and the rest of the court staff to stand there.

At first it was nice to get some time off when those two went off to save the day. But at this point they’re using any old excuse to bunk off. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to see them take a more active role in the affairs of ordinary ponies. But they are also pretty much essential to the continued functioning of the Equestrian Government.

I resolved to have a talk with Celestia when she got back. Like it or not, this was getting out of hoof, and as her legal advisor, it was my job to remind her that neither she nor Luna can go neglecting their royal duties to go play heroes.

“Celestia,” I said, as the three of us sat down to lunch. “As your friend, and legal counsel, I really have to ask that you stop with these excursions.”

I was in full solicitor mode now. As much as it hurt me, I couldn’t afford to be too gentle with this. We needed the issue resolved sooner rather than later.

“But, Roger,” Celestia replied, taking a sip of her tea. “Surely you’d agree that when our subjects need help we should be there to protect them.” I nodded.

“From threats both foreign and domestic, yes,” I agreed. “However, helping a lost Fillies Scout troop find their way out of Whitetail Wood does not count as that. Tia, if nothing else, your and Luna’s continued absence from court could eventually force the nobles to bring a petition for dereliction of duty against you.”

Princess might be the top job in Equestria, but like any good leader, Celestia never placed herself as the proverbial boss. She was a ruler, but she also served her subjects. A ruler has responsibilities and duties, as well as immense power. And while it was nice to duck out of court once in a while, it was now beginning to have a noticeable effect on day to day matters. The docket was piling up quickly, and cases that had been brought on Monday still weren’t heard by Friday.

“Alright,” Celestia admitted. “So maybe we went a little overboard today. It’s just so draining being in court all day long.”

“Indeed,” Luna agreed. “While my own court may be quieter, so much of it is inane drivel, pointless debates and irrelevant minutiae. We both miss those days where we battled monsters, protected our subjects with magic and might, and were not so constrained by the shackles of Equestrian politics.”

“Look, there’s no harm in doing any of that,” I said. “But you need to indulge in all this outside of court hours.”

“Ah yes,” Luna replied with a hint of annoyance. “Is that before or after I walk the dreaming world, or sister here teaches class at her school? The role of a princess is a difficult one, Roger. But of late the load has gotten too much to bear.”

“And I do so miss those old days,” Celestia added. “Helping to keep back the Everfree Forest with Starswirl during Sombra’s attack really brought back a lot of memories.”

Only Celestia could be wistful about a near apocalypse. Although I suppose it did show how tiresome her job was at times. She went on.

“Before we retire, Roger,” she said. “We want our subjects to see us as ponies they can turn to for help, not just some distant rulers who occasionally appear to raise the sun and moon.”

I could see where they were both coming from. God knows I certainly didn’t mind these breaks in routine. But in my case, I had a loving wife and family to go home to every night. For the princesses, their job was almost their whole life. It wasn’t something they did nine to five. As Luna said, even in sleep she has her work protecting the dreaming world. And Celestia had been pulling double duty for a thousand years too.

“What you need,” I suggested. “Is a break; a holiday, away from Canterlot and all its foibles. You’re both too worked up being stuck in court all day. I can see how these little adventures provide a distraction for you. Perhaps you could consider taking something of a sabbatical for a week or so? Maybe you could even temporarily turn things over to Twilight; give her a chance to see what it’s like running the show.”

Both princesses seemed to like that idea. I could see the two of them planning silently all the things they wanted to do. You’d have thought that after a thousand years you’d have done and seen it all. But I suppose, with their job, it was easy to not necessarily live a life, no matter how long it was.

The two of them were just about to come to an agreement, when a young guard burst into the room.

“Princesses!” he called. “Princess Twilight and her friends are meeting in her castle. There seems to be some sort of friendship problem in Ponyville.”

And before I could say anything, the pair had taken off straight out the window. Sighing to myself, I poured a fresh mug of tea and resolved myself to the fact that court would be shut for at least another twenty minutes.

Well, as it turned out, the friendship problem as it were, that Twilight and her friends were meeting about, was more of an intervention for Celestia and Luna. Like me, they were getting a little worried by their constant ‘help’. Twilight was even starting to worry that they were changing their minds about retirement, something Bones quickly leapt at and grabbed with both hooves. Celestia was quick to reassure her former pupil though, that they were still set on retiring.

As she'd said to me, Celestia explained how much they enjoyed taking a more active role in the lives of other ponies and yearned for the old days of adventuring together. It was then that Pinkie Pie came up with a cunning plan, and for once I mean that.

She reminded the princesses that there were plenty of fun things to do in Equestria besides stealing the Elements’ shtick. The pair had wanted to do a lot over the years, such as when Celestia had a go at acting in Twilight’s play to celebrate her 1,111th year of ruling Equestria. But given how much their royal duties occupy their lives, they’d never gotten a chance to try half of it. So the little pink genius suggested that the pair of them make a bucket list of things they’d always wanted to do, and then take a vacation to cross some of them off.

Together, they cam up with the idea of Celestia and Luna taking about a fortnight or so off to go on vacation, and at the same time, Twilight would get something of a trial run in managing Equestria, with me and her friends on hoof to help out if needed. It was a good time for it. Provided Tia cleared her diary of the stacked up appointments, the only thing on the books for the next couple of weeks was that stupid swan gala; nothing major really.

In short, it would be good for both sides, letting the princesses work all this nervous energy and excitement out of their systems, and giving Twilight a chance to get to grips with running a nation.

So, when the two of them returned about forty five minutes later, and after apologising for dashing out on me, we got to planning. The pair would have two weeks off to travel around Equestria, ticking off the things on their bucket lists. Twilight would come up to Canterlot the day after tomorrow with her friends in tow, with the handover happening that evening.

The only hiccup would be the small matter of raising the sun and the moon. Twilight was an alicorn sure, and had magic beyond your average unicorn, but until her accession of the throne, she wouldn’t have anywhere near enough power to move the two celestial bodies without nearly exhausting herself each time. To that end, they reached out to their old mentor Starswirl, who provided them with a most useful little trinket. It was sort of like a pocket watch, with a winder on the top. Imbued with a portion of their alicorn magic, this clever device would allow Twilight, using it in concert with her own magic, to look after raising and lowering the sun and moon as needed. Beyond that, her temporary job was nothing beyond her and her friends. She would hold court on a semi regular basis. As soon as word got out about the princesses going on vacation, petitions dropped off markedly, although that was also to be attributed to the Royal Swanifying, being a major even in the noble social calender.

Other than that, Celestia and Luna gave Twilight a few parting words of advice and then temporarily stepped down from their duties. While the young alicorn and her friends got settled, I headed up Celestia’s chambers to wish the pair well on their holiday, and possibly lend a hand with the packing. I found the two of them, rather alarmingly, dressed in Hawaiian shirts. Although I must say, they wore them rather well. And they both looked absolutely adorable with their ethereal manes done up in ponytails.

“Hey, you two,” I said, rapping on the door frame of the open door with my knuckle. “All set?”

The two sisters didn’t acknowledge me at first, since they were both struggling to close their suitcases. While the both of them were planning on travelling fairly light (after all, without a need for clothing, it was a lot easier to do so in Equestria), they still had a good two full suitcases each. Right now, Celestia was using all her earth pony strength to try and force the suitcase shut. Falling back on old gender norms, I stepped in to help.

“Here, let me give you a hand with that, Tia” I said.

Putting all my weight down on the lid, I managed, with a deft shove, to force the suitcase shut and do up the latch. Feeling ever so slightly smug, I turned to my friend, who took this moment to blow a stray lock of mane out of her eyes.

“Thank you,” she said, sounding just a touch annoyed. “And to answer your question, yes, we are all set to go.”

“Oh I can’t wait to get started,” Luna said, prancing around like an excited filly on Hearth’s Warming Eve. “There’s so much to do!”

Pulling out her own, quite lengthy, bucket list from her saddlebags, she excitedly began reviewing her plans for this ad hoc vacation.

“Where are you heading to first then?” I asked.

“Manehattan first of all,” Celestia said. Ah a classic start to any holiday. “I trust you won’t have any problems minding the store as it were until Luna and I get back.”

“Oh relax, Tia,” I replied with a wave of my hand. “We’ll be fine. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?”

Okay, in hindsight, that wasn’t the smartest thing to have said. In fact, looking back, I might as well have been calling on Discord to come and cause as much chaos as possible. Still, to start with, things went pretty well. Celestia and Luna departed and Twilight and the others took over running things. The day went by smoothly, with no major problems, and I went home that evening calm and relaxed.

It stayed that way for the next few days. Twilight really did seem to have a handle on running the country. She certainly didn’t seem to be having too much trouble with the Royal Swanifying preparations, particularly with her friends to help her.

A few days after they left, I received two postcards, courtesy of Derpy, from Tia and Luna. The two had already been on quite the adventure across Equestria and had sent me a little update on their progress. As I climbed into bed that night with my wife, the two of us had a look through the postcards and photos they’d sent.

“Well, it sure looks like they’re having a lot of fun,” I said to Margaret as I passed her a photo of the two of them going on a log flume ride at a theme park. I couldn’t help but laugh at Celestia’s mad grin and Luna’s look of absolute terror.

“I never pegged Celestia for an adrenaline junkie,” she replied. “All that serene calm and coolness, no matter the disaster. Now, Luna, I figured she’d want to do something a bit more relaxing. Although I’m not quite sure why she’s sending you so many postcards.”

“Well, she does have this sort of...fascination with the postal service,” I reminded her.

It made me laugh the first time I heard about it, but Luna does really find the Royal Equestrian Postal Service absolutely fascinating. When she went away into exile all those moons ago, the only way to send messages was to take it yourself, or hire somepony to do it for you, with little chance of success if it was more than a few miles. Now though, you could send a letter from Manehattan, and it would be in Vanhoover, signed, sealed and delivered, in two days at most if it went by first class. And that’s ignoring the telegraph network that lets news get flashed across the country in an hour at most.

And to be fair, if you stop and think about it, it is a really interesting system. So many intricate parts all working together, carrying millions of letters daily, with a vast network of ponies, trains, boats and airships, allowing ponies to communicate with virtually anyone anywhere, so long as they have a name, an address and a post code.

On the Celestia front though, I have to admit it surprised me at first as well. I figured that Celestia would, like Luna, be looking to relax, kick back, and maybe look to pick up a couple hobbies that she never had a chance to get into in her younger years. So imagine my surprise when I get a picture of her going over Neighagra Falls in a barrel. The two princesses were polar opposites in terms of what they wanted from this vacation. And reading their individual letters, it seemed that they were beginning to grate on each other a bit. Luna wanted to relax, and Celestia wanted to live life to the fullest.

I’ve known them too long not to see the disaster that was looming. But I didn’t have a chance to worry about that, as things in Canterlot were starting to come unstuck as well.

The Royal Swanifying, and yes, that is the name of this utterly ridiculous gala, is a party hosted annually by Celestia, as a celebration of the swans which live in the lake near the centre of the castle gardens. As in Britain, all swans are property of the head of state, and it is actually a fairly serious criminal offence to harm, injure, or kill a swan, and I actually did once have to assist the princess during a case involving the ancient law.

Of course, the gala is just another social occasion where rich snobs get together to hob knob with each other and Celestia usually has to put on her best princess mask and put up with it. Of course, this time, she was quite happily zip lining, kayaking, and cave diving her way across Equestria with her sister in tow, and instead Twilight would be the one to run the gala this time. It’s not a big occasion, and nothing like the Grand Galloping Gala, so not too much in the way of work is required. Still, there was plenty of scope for things to go wrong.

I happened to be one my way to the throne room when things first began to unravel. I’d wanted to give Twilight a quick update on the few cases that Day Court had to hear this week, providing her with a simple briefing and some clip notes. However, on my way there, I ran into a friend and two jackasses. In order, they were Fancy Pants, the de facto head of the nobility under Blueblood, and one of the few nobles I get along with outside of court, and Jet Set and Upper Crust, who are idiots. Together though, the trio were the heads of the Royal Swanifying Committee, and were responsible for planning the gala and making all the arrangements.

What, you didn’t think Celestia did any of that did you? She’s got enough on her plate as it is, without needing to worry about some simple little party.

All three of them, both nobles and petty bourgeois alike looked displeased. Although Fancy did brighten up as he saw me.

“Hello there, Fancy Pants,” I said as our paths crossed. “How goes the Royal Swanifying?”

I figured that Twilight would be glad to have his help. Jet Set and Upper Crust not so much, but Fancy has helped run things for the past few years and has been very good at it. Celestia pretty much leaves him to it these days and enjoys the party. Like me, she gets along very well with him. Turned out though that I’d guessed wrong.

“Frankly sir,” Fancy said, with no small amount of disgust. “I don’t give a damn!” I was taken aback.

“What ever is the matter?” I queried. Fancy was usually such an easy going chap, and very hard to provoke. A lifetime of dealing with Blueblood and other members of his own social class I suppose.

“The three of us offered to help Princess Twilight and her friends plan the event,” Fancy explained crossly. “And the girl just turns around and snubs the offer.”

Ah yes, for all her progress, Twilight still isn’t always the best at reading social cues. It’s something Tia’s going to have to work on before the coronation. Fancy continued.

“She was going on about how she needed to show Princess Celestia that she and her friends could manage things on their own.”

Ah, I saw what was up. It seems I’d given Twilight too much credit, and she thought she, as princess, would need to do all the work. Surely she knows Celestia delegates most of her duties, including legal rulings I might add.

“I’m sure it was not her intention to cause offence,” I replied, attempting to smooth things over. “Allow me to go and speak with her. I’m sure I can make her see her mistake, and she’ll be happy to have the assistance of the committee.”

And so I passed the trio of still annoyed toffs and made for the throne room. All it would take would be a quick explanation. I think what most likely happened is that Twilight assumed that this was all some sort of test on Celestia’s part to see if she really was up to the challenge of running Equestria. The last time Twilight had a fit over a test was when the Crystal Empire returned, with similar Twilighting results.

I was just about to pull on the handle, when a single yellow eye with a red pupil appeared on the door.

“I’m sorry, Roger,” Discord said in a creepy monotone. “I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.” I jumped about a foot in the air as Discord’s eye was joined by its twin, and his mismatched form formed out of the throne room door.

“Dammit, Discord. Do you really find it so hard to just walk up to somepony?” My friend shrugged his shoulders.

“What can I say? I saw an opportunity for a good sci-fi reference and I took it.” I tried to sidestep around him ,but he was too quick for me, blocking my way with his snake like form.

“Look, I just need to talk to Twilight for a minute,” I said. “Then I’ll join in whatever weird scheme you’re running now.”

But with snap of his talons, Discord brought the door handle to life. The brass handle ran all around the door in an effort to avoid being grabbed. Eventually I gave up and looked up at my best friend.

“Alright, I’ll bite,” I said. “Why can’t go in there? Is the Tree stopping me for the umpteenth time and making me bite my tongue?” Discord looked a little surprised; a curious expression to see on the face of the physical incarnation of chaos.

“What? No,” he replied. “I just wanted to bring you the newest dispatches from Celestia and Luna. It sounds like they’re having quite the spat.”

He handed me a small stack of letters and I started reading. He was certainly right about them falling out. I’d seen from the get go that the pair each had differing ideas on what to do on their vacation. Celestia was dead set on thrill seeking and cutting loose, while Luna wanted to relax and unwind from the stresses brought on by her job that followed her into the dreaming world.

It seemed that this had finally come to a head when Luna went off on Celestia for not doing any of the things she wanted to do. Celestia countered by complaining about all the art galleries they’d gone to, and other supposedly ‘boring’ things Luna had picked. The argument eventually boiled over when Luna said Celestia actually wanted to rule Equestria alone and never cared about her input, while Celestia criticised Luna for not knowing how difficult it was to run the country and be her big sister. They ended up screaming at each other in their versions of the Royal Canterlot Voice and parted ways bitterly.

“Oh hell,” I muttered as I read through the most recent one from Tia. “That’s the last thing we need.”

“Well, you can hardly blame them,” Discord replied. “They are sisters after all. Plus, you were stupid enough to ask what was the worst that could happen. As the avatar of chaos, I can tell you that that is very much tempting the fates.”

“Cut me a break, old man,” I replied. “I’ve spent the better part of fifty years not having to watch what I say like that. Well, at least Twilight has the Royal Swanifying more or less under control.”

Discord folded his arms and looked at me with no small amount of contempt.

“What?” I asked, shrugging my shoulders.

“You’re an idiot,” he replied.

I didn’t hear anything more from either of the princesses until they came back to Canterlot and I was reunited with them in pony. And let me tell you, I was sure glad when they did come back, because, possibly thanks to my poor choice of words, we sorely needed them.

Let’s see, where to start? Well, I never did get a chance to go and see Twilight after I ran into Discord. With Celestia and Luna away, I was directly in charge of overseeing any legal petitions coming before either Day or Night Court. That included the preparation, hearing the petitions and making rulings. In essence, I was doing Celestia’s job as far as legal matters were concerned. Needless to say, that took up, oh, about ninety percent of my time. There were plenty of cases involving the law that Celestia didn’t need advice on, and so had no reason to call for me. But now I was getting every legal case in Equestria on my desk. Everything from patent and trademark disputes, high profile criminal cases, to challenges to case law. If it was important enough to be heard by Day Court, I was dealing with it. It certainly gave me an idea of just how much Celestia had to deal with on a daily basis, and this was just a portion of the petitions she heard.

I honestly found myself wondering how she hadn’t gone completely and utterly insane after all these years.

Twilight too was having similar problems. After dismissing the Royal Swanifying Committee, the whole thing had fallen on the shoulders of Twilight and her friends. Now, don’t get me wrong, they’re capable mares, with a pony with expertise in party planning and fashion counted in their number. But standards in Canterlot, and I say this with no disrespect to my dear Ponyville, are a great deal higher than some little valley village that has a population under a thousand.

While the committee were no longer there to help, they were there to complain, and loudly at that. Twilight and the others couldn’t do right from doing wrong. It got to the point where the usually friendly and unflappable Fancy Pants began to lose his temper with the six of them. After all, regardless of what I might have to say on the matter, this was an important social and political event in the royal calendar.

The upshot of all this pressure was that Twilight did was Twilight does best, and came close to having something of a nervous breakdown, which in all honesty doesn’t give me a great deal of confidence in her ability to lead Equestria as a monarch. Her friends did their best, but it simply did not cut the mustard here in Canterlot.

Luckily though, it was at that point that Fancy, near the end of his rope, asked the same question I’d been planning to ask Twilight before I ran into Discord. He asked her why she had been trying to organise everything herself, instead of delegating the role to the committee as Celestia usually did. That was lightbulb moment for the little alicorn. She’d misinterpreted the whole thing and thought that, as princess, it was her responsibility to do everything. With this revelation, which didn’t occur to her previously, which is in itself quite odd, considering that Celestia has pretty much delegated the task of protecting Equestria to Twilight for the last few years, Twilight managed to get things back on track, re-enlisting the help of Fancy and his friends.

As a result, the Royal Swanifying was a resounding success. The nobles were pleased to see that the young princess and heir apparent seemed to have a good handle on running things, delegating tasks and allowing herself to focus on the big picture. I actually ran into her myself at the party and we both got caught up on what had happened this past week.

Despite the success though, I found myself dwelling on the two absent princesses. Neither of them had written me since they’d had their blowout and parted ways with some pretty harsh words exchanged. I figured that they’d make up in the end, but it still saddened me to see the pair fight. Having said that though, the two of them did have valid arguments. Neither had gotten the vacation they wanted, having to compromise for the other. And as a wise man once said; a compromise is a solution where neither side is satisfied.

A couple of days later, having still not heard anything from either of them, I decided enough was enough. Given how mobile the two had been over the last week or so, I’d not been writing them back, simply enjoying the postcards they’d sent. Now though, I found myself writing two letters, one for each of them, counselling them toward making up with their sibling.

It was funny in a way. A lot of ponies see Celestia and Luna as being somehow above the usual foibles of ponies. Some even still mistake them for gods. But these two are very decidedly one of us, and more than capable of being wrong. They were following in a time honoured tradition of vacations; falling out with your travelling companions.

I’d just finished my letter to Celestia and was partway through my letter to Luna when the sunlight suddenly vanished. Now, you see, my office window faces east, so throughout most of the morning, I get a fair bit of natural light in through the large, panoramic windows that are such a common sight in Canterlot Castle. I also knew that the weather schedule today was nothing but clear skies, and given the way it had gone completely dark instead of merely a little more overcast, I knew it wasn’t just a passing cloud.

Puzzled, I got to my feet and took a look at the window. I was in for quite a shock. There was an eclipse on.

There hasn’t been one of those since the...unpleasantness involving Luna and her dark alter ego.

Just as suddenly though, the moon shot below the horizon at a rate of knots, and the sun flew right up to the midday point. Then the moon shot up and the sun rapidly set. Then both started darting around the sky like a pair of balls on a pool table. Needless to say, this unusual celestial phenomena caused quite the minor catastrophic social upheaval in Canterlot. Ponies were, as if often the case in times of danger, running around like headless chickens.

I headed for the throne room to see what was going on. The best explanation I could think of, judging by the sporadic way the sun and moon were moving, was that that little gizmo the princesses had left Twilight had gone haywire.

As it turned out, I was actually right on the money. While Twilight might have gotten a handle on running Equestria, her little magic amplifier had gone bananas. Sunburst sent some advice in trying to reset it, but an overstressed Twilight wound it past its limit and the whole thing broke making things even worse. I honestly wondered if the gravitational forces might soon start doing damage to the planet.

Now there’s a way to go.

Luckily, help was at hand. Celestia and Luna had made up after running into each other. Finding travelling Equestria decidedly less pleasant without their respective travelling companion, they’d managed to reconcile and take back the unkind comments made previously. The pair had been making their way back toward Canterlot anyway when their respective celestial charges suddenly went haywire.

While Twilight was not yet powerful enough to control the sun and moon on her own, the two sisters were. With no small amount of effort on their part, they managed to bring the sun and moon to heel, with Luna placing the moon back below the horizon, to await the setting of the sun, and Celestia manoeuvring the sun back onto its proper course, to steadily cruise through the sky until dusk.

Needless to say, we were all glad to see them again, and I was glad to see they hadn’t let their brief rift form into something worse. Still, that didn’t stop me poking a little fun at them.

“I thought you said you two were taking this holiday to get this whole ‘save the day’ thing out of your system,” I said as the two alicorns landed.

“I promise, Roger,” Celestia said as she folded her wings to her sides. “That’s the last time.”

She smiled as she went over to check on an ever so slightly flustered Twilight.

Unbeknownst to any of us though, those two, along with Discord would be saving the world one more time before the reign of the Two Sisters finally came to an end.

Chapter 31 - Bellwether

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Normally, I’d be home by now. I’d have had dinner, and Margaret and I would have gone up to bed, ready for an early start the next morning. Tonight though, I’d been taken out of my usually comfortable routines to take part in a very special occasion. It was the longest day of the year today. Well, technically tomorrow, but then again, in terms of time, it was tomorrow, the sun just hadn’t come up yet. Whatever. Anyway, it was the eve of the Summer Sun Celebration; the annual festival that celebrates Celestia’s victory over Nightmare Moon and Luna’s return to grace. Typically, the ceremony involved ponies getting up at an ungodly hour and gathering to watch the sunrise. Each year, Celestia would perform the actual act of raising the sun in a different city. And once, several years ago, she had chosen little old Ponyville, and sent her then student to help complete preparations.

This year, the ceremony was to take place in Canterlot. There was good reason for that; this would, to a lot of ponies eternal sadness, to be the very last Summer Sun Celebration. With the retirement of the princesses, given how the festival was built around the two of them, they had decreed that it would no longer be kept as a national holiday, wanting to move Equestria beyond the two of them, and look to their future ruler, Twilight.

Still, if it was to be the last one, then everypony was looking to put on a show. All of Equestria more or less had gotten in on the act. Some of the most talented unicorn illusionists would be performing a spectacular fireworks show, using magic in the place of fireworks, earth ponies had come together to feed the vast crowd of ponies that would be attending, stretching the city to near breaking point, and Cloudsdale had drafted in half the roster of weather patrol teams to ensure the skies were kept perfectly clear for the sunrise, in addition to having the Wonderbolts perform a flyby. All in all, it was shaping up to be quite the show.

The only problem was the fact that it also entailed getting up at half past two in the morning to catch a special train up to Canterlot. I was currently running on a whole lot of coffee and doing my best to stay awake as the train steadily made its way up the mountain. Luckily, Margaret was with me, and far more awake, and eager to prod and poke me if I ever showed sign of nodding off.

Our kids had come along too. Well, like I said before, pretty much all of Ponyville was going. They’d had to draft in a series of special trains to get everypony into Canterlot station in time. Bones was a few rows behind us, chatting with Applejack about the logistics of feeding the five thousand without divine intervention, while Lizzie, who was coming with Dewdrop, was just ahead of us, looking forward to seeing the unicorns’ light show.

I had something of a role to play in the ceremony today. It was nothing major, but I was pitching in to ensure things ran smoothly. Twilight and the others were organising things. Well, actually, it was just her friends. Twilight would be busy preparing to give her address. The celebration would mark the first phase of the official handover of power. And while Tia trusted them all implicitly, I still found myself on guard.

Remember, while Grogar might not be a threat, there were three x-rays out there, looking to cause some real damage. The Summer Sun Celebration has always been a pretty tempting target. Still, at least unlike the Friendship Festival, my own security recommendations had been heeded, and Cadence and Shining were staying up in the Crystal Empire. I’d heard nothing from the Tree, from Discord, or anypony else since I ‘met’ Grogar and was briefly reunited with Chrysalis. Whatever plan Discord had, he was keeping his cards close to his chest and telling me nowt.

I hoped I was wrong, and that the ceremony would go off without a hitch. It turned out I was half right. This wouldn’t be the big one, as it were. This was more like a bellwether event; a harbinger of things to come.

“It’s so nice to get to go up to Canterlot for the celebration,” Margaret said, startling me out of my thoughts. “I really must ask Lizzie later and see if she wants to go up on a shopping trip with me next month.”

Shaking myself out of my reprieve, I nodded in agreement.

“Yes, dear,” I replied tiredly, doing my best to stifle a yawn.

“It wouldn’t hurt for you to come along, you know,” she added. “It’s high time you went to see Elusive about getting some new suits.”

Elusive was my tailor; the finest I’ve ever met on Earth or Equestria. He kinda reminds me of Rarity, albeit catering more towards stallions than mares.

“Yes, dear,” I parroted again. That got me a light smack on the back of my head.

“Just get that coffee in you,” she instructed. “The last thing you want is for the princesses to see you yawning away like you’re trying to catch flies.”

I smiled and turned to my wife. I might be tired, but I was still awake enough to tease her.

“Yes, dear.”

“Oh grow up.”

At that moment, the train’s whistle blew, rousing a few ponies from their sleep. We were coming in to Canterlot station now. The city was brightly lit and it looked like the pre-celebration party was in full swing.

The four of us would be helping out Applejack, Braeburn and the other earth ponies with the cooking. Margaret’s a natural, Bones has picked up plenty of culinary skills from his time with the Apples and even I can follow basic instructions if you give me a cookbook. Applejack was just glad to have the extra help. Like I said before, this was shaping up to be the biggest Summer Sun Celebration ever.

As the train pulled in, the four of us hopped down onto the platform and followed Applejack to the square, which the earth ponies had turned into Equestria’s biggest food court.

The place was absolutely packed when we got there. Braeburn and his friends had come up from Appleloosa, while other members of the Apple family had come from far and wide to lend a hoof. There were plenty of other earth ponies too, including old Grand Pear; Applejack’s great uncle, who I swear to God, sounds exactly, like one James Tiberius Kirk, of the Federation Starfleet. Several other ponies from Ponyville had also joined in on the act.

Stalls had been set up all over the place, and supplies were steadily being ferried in by train, airship and pegasi power. Since ponies haven’t really subscribed to the idea of processed foods as much as humans have, most of the cuisine on offer was being cooked on site prior to the celebration itself.

Bones and I would be helping out with both the cooking and hauling some of the raw ingredients and cooked produce around. The nearby market square had been made over to accommodate all the food stalls that would be serving the hungry public. Applejack lead us over to one of the ad hoc kitchens where Braeburn was already hard at work.

“Y’all two are gonna be workin’ here,” she said. “Helpin’ Braeburn and the other earth ponies get the apple pies ready to go before sun up.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Bones said with a grin and wink to his marefriend.

“We’ll get started right away, Applejack,” I added, grabbing a nearby apron that was a little undersized for a human.

“Ah really appreciate y’all doin’ this, partner,” she said to me sincerely. “Celestia knows we need as many ponies, and humans, as we can for this party. Even Pinkie Pie’s gonna be workin’ flat out.”

“Where is Pinkie anyway, AJ?” Bones asked. Applejack gestured across the square to where several kitchens were busily working on more sweet confections.

“She’s helpin’ out with the cake side of things,” she explained. “Ah’ll be back in a little while, once Ah’ve signed off on the last of these ingredients from Fillydelphia.”

With that, she left us with Braeburn. Applejack’s cousin is a nice enough guy, and I’ve met him once or twice when he’s come to visit Ponyville, and on my occasional visits to Appleloosa when I’m called on to mediate disputes between the ponies and buffalo. Like Applejack, he’s a skilled cook as well as a farmer, and he was quick to put us to work.

Before too long the three of us were busily working away, almost like we were on an assembly line in a factory. Still, that didn’t mean we were skimping on quality. And once we’d got a decent batch ready made and gently cooling, Bones and I soon found ourselves sent off to another part of the square to help out on another station. We were cooking everything from pies with Braeburn, cakes with Pinkie, hauling ingredients and cooked food over to the market square with Applejack, and even doing basic janitorial work to keep the place clear. It was a lot of work, but everypony was pitching in and giving it their all.

I actually got so lost in the work, that my earlier concerns about something going awry actually went out of my mind entirely. Cooking on such a vast scale does tend to divert your attention, and it wasn’t until things started to go wrong, that I was reminded of my suspicions.

It was a couple of hours before dawn; about half three or four in the morning. We were getting close to being all set to go and were looking forward to just enjoying the celebration. Bones and I had just gone on a quick break to clear our heads and cool off. Despite it all being outdoors, cooking was still a job that involved baking heat, and both us were visibly sweating somewhat.

We’d left Braeburn on his own for about five or ten minutes at most. Like us, he’d been working his tail off to get everything ready on time. Bones had been watching the moon slowly setting in the sky as a means of gauging how long we had until the show began. We still had plenty of time, but something like this wasn’t something you wanted to go down to the wire. The kitchens had worked like mad ponies, churning out all kinds of snacks, both savoury and sweet, and I was more than a little proud to say I played a part in it. There’s something to be said, if you ask me, about making something tangible; a work product you can take pride in. My job advising Celestia is important, sure, but it’s not always easy to see the effects of my work, considering that most of the decisions which have any impact are made, and attributed to, Celestia herself. I’m just an adviser. So it was nice to be able to point to a bunch of the delicious looking pies and say ‘I made that’. I just wish I could have talked Braeburn around into letting me make a couple steak and kidney pies for myself and any visiting griffons.

Anyway, back to my point. Bones and I were just coming back from break, we’d gone to check on Margaret and Lizzie, who had been helping Pinkie Pie out in the same way. Margaret’s a natural cook and brilliant when it comes to cakes. And Lizzie has a knack for...well...interesting vegan foods. Having had a quick drink to quench our thirst, we were now ready for the last push to finish up all the orders.

Getting back to where we’d left Braeburn, we were surprised to find him not there. When we’d left a short time ago, he’d said he was just going to check on some of the other stalls and send some more cooked items over to the market square. It shouldn’t have taken him any more than five minutes.

“How’s it coming, Braeburn?” I called out as we both got back. I got no reply.

“Braeburn?” Bones called out. He got no reply either. In fact the whole place seemed oddly quiet. My guard went up.

“Braeburn, you about?” I called again.

That was when we heard it; a low groaning of a pony obviously in a world of pain. Worried, we both ran around the corner to find the source of the noise. And it was here that we found the poor stallion, doing his best to care for one of his kin. The pony in question had collapsed and now seemed barely conscious. He could barely lift his head, which Braeburn was holding, never mind get up. I quickly got down on my knees and took a look at him, as did Bones.

“Braeburn!” he exclaimed. “What happened?” Braeburn just shrugged in response, too startled to speak. We managed to roll the pony onto his side at least. But it was clear that he was in a bad way.

“What the hay’s wrong with him?” Braeburn asked, turning to Bones, who, scowling, showed how he earned his nickname from me.

“Dammit, Braeburn,” he said crossly. “Ah’m a unicorn, not a doctor! And that’s what we need right now!” Too worried to laugh, I looked to see if anypony was about.

“Medic!” I called out. That grabbed the attention of a couple of nearby guards on their patrol route, and a short time later, we had one the Royal Guard medical officers on the scene giving the downed pony, as well as Braeburn, the once over.

Of course, this attracted quite a crowd of onlookers, half crowding around to check on their friend and offer help, and the other half just being nosy buggers. Bones, me and a couple other guards soon found ourself doing our best to keep the crown back from the two medics that were tending to Braeburn’s friend. Eventually, one of them gave us a possible diagnosis.

“Well, I can’t be certain until we run some tests, but from here it looks like a possible case of food poisoning.”

That of course, didn’t help matters and ponies started to panic. It didn’t take long for the word to spread to the market where the food was being sold that somepony had fallen ill. So the guard had even more of a problem to deal with. Still, they managed to get a stretcher out and get the ill pony taken away. While I just saw this as an unfortunate bump in the road, Bones had a different theory. And as we started clearing down in the kitchen we’d been using, he put it to me.

“Did ya see his eyes?” he asked me, keeping his voice quiet.

“What about them, Bones?” I asked.

“It looked like he had cataracts or somethin’,” he said. “Did ya see how glazed they looked; out of focus and dulled?” I considered for a moment.

“Well, he was delirious,” I replied. “It’s a common enough symptom with a bad case of food poisoning.” Bones now turned round to face me, worry and alarm clear on his face.

“Food poisonin’ would lay a pony in in less than five minutes,” he countered. “Besides, we’ve both eaten this stuff too, remember? If this was a case of Baked Bads, that feller wouldn’t have just passed out like that. He’d have felt unwell before, started sweatin’, then gotten woozy. Instead he just fell down almost out cold. And did ya see how weak he was; poor guy could hardly lift his head.”

“What’s your point?” I asked.

“Ah’m sayin’,” he shot back. “That there’s only one thing that can knock an earth pony down, cause glazed eyes and severe weakness, and that’s having their magic drained.”

Shit.

“What?!” I snapped.

“Ah saw the same thing happen when Tirek got loose,” Bones explained. “When a pony loses their magic, their eyes glaze over and go dull, and without magic, they get as weak as a kitten.”

My mind was going a mile a minute now. Could this be Discord’s little exercise kicking off?

“The guy still had his cutie mark though. I remember when Tirek stole magic from ponies, it took away their cutie mark because they had no magic.” Bones had an answer for that too.

“Partial draining doesn’t do the same thing. Ah tried it myself when Ah was lookin’ for ways to counter the spell,” he explained. “Say ya take most of a pony’s magic. If ya leave a little bit behind, it won’t take their cutie mark. But Ah don’t think that pony would be winnin’ any strength tests right about now.”

I thought about what I should do. Bones could be right. This could be Tirek making a play. Discord had given him enough magic to be dangerous; clearly enough to be able to drain earth ponies and pegasi, as well as unicorns. Tirek is like a fire; tackle him in time and he’s not dangerous. I needed to get the jump on this, but quietly. I tried to excuse myself to go and see Celestia. But before I could, the game changed.

“Tirek’s in Tartarus, Bones,” I said. “As is that fruitcake Cozy Glow. It can’t be magic draining. Trust what the docs said for now. Tell you what I’ll...” I didn’t get to finish that sentence as a scream cut through the night air.

The two of us rushed out to see what the commotion was about. And to my horror, three more earth ponies had been struck down. All of them had identical symptoms and had collapsed out of sight of passers by. I don’t even want to take a guess at the odds of the three ponies all contracting the same condition with the symptoms manifesting at the exact same moment. It certainly seemed to give Bones’ theory some merit.

“Still think it’s food poisonin’?” he asked coldly.

There was no doubt about it. All the pieces fitted neatly into place. Somewhere out there in the night, Tirek was stalking ponies and stealing their magic. But why only partly? Why not drain them entirely as he had before? And why not attack everypony? He was clearly strong enough to take earth pony and pegasi magic, and presumably it wouldn’t be too long before he’d have enough to engage the princesses. That meant we needed to act fast.

Calling over the guards, I instructed them to stick to the story of food poisoning for the time being and look after the ponies as best they could. Bones and I then went to find Tia and sound an alarm.

At least, that was what we were planning to do. It was a fairly quick walk. We were right outside the castle as it was. It would only be a short walk inside the gates, and then we could both race up to the throne room and alert them to what was going on. Test or no test, I would much rather Twilight clamp down on this threat before it got too serious.

But we had hardly taken two steps when the weather changed. Now, obviously, the weather for the very last Summer Sun Celebration was due to be clear skies to give everypony a good view of the sunrise. And as the whole event was outdoors, the last thing anypony wanted was for the weather to take a turn for the worse. So it came as quite a surprise when the wind kicked up and a steady rain began to fall.

“Ah thought the weather pegasi were s’posed to be keepin’ the skies clear!” Bones called to me as the wind really began to pick up.

“They are!” I replied. “Clear skies for the next forty eight hours at minimum. I saw the schedule myself.”

The wind picked up even more. I soon found myself leaning into the wind as I struggled to stop myself from being blown over. And that was ignoring the what could now only be described as a torrential downpour, which was soaking everything and already starting to overflow the drains in the street. And then, as it that wasn’t enough, a bolt of lightening struck a nearby lamppost, shorting it out.

“Well that sure as hay don’t look like clear skies to me!” Bones called over the din, holding his stetson in place with one hoof and hunkering down against the wind.

“You think this is Tirek?” I asked. Bones shook his head.

“No! Even with pegasi magic, he never tried controlling weather,” he replied. “This feels more like a rogue storm, like during the Storm King’s invasion.”

As we tried to find shelter, some help did arrive. We saw Dash, along with several other members of the Wonderbolts; Equestria’s premier air squadron, fly overhead and engage the storm clouds. While it would take them time, they seemed able to kick them apart and get them under control.

It would later come to light that the whole thing was an unfortunate misunderstanding by Feather Flatterfly, the local weather patrol commander. I’ve known him for a while. While we aren’t exactly friends, we’ve crossed paths in court. He’s a nice enough guy, although how he worked his way up to CO I’ll never know. He’s not incapable by any means, in fact I can think of nopony who knows more about weather control then him. But he’s not the most confident leader, and he finds changes to his minutely planned weather schedules more than a challenge.

Apparently, he was approached by a certain sociopathic filly, who offered to ‘help’ him deal with the changes to the weather schedule. How he didn’t recognise the first child in Equestria to ever receive a life sentence in Tartarus, and whose face had been plastered over newspapers for weeks, I have no idea. But he didn’t and allowed her to proceed. From there, Cozy did all she could to screw with the weather, hence the disruptive storms.

Still, I wasn’t about to be held up by storms and a heavy rain squall. With help from Bones, who was able to use his magic to put a protective bubble around the both of us, I continued to make my way towards the castle, as did my three, as yet unseen, adversaries. Luckily for us, the storms were pretty localised, and as we approached the castle, where the stage for the fireworks display had been set up, the rain eased off.

Unfortunately though, we walked into a whole other problem. Coming the other way, with their bags packed, were the unicorn display team, who were slated to use their impressive illusion magic to create fireworks, as well as an image of the mare in the moon on the moon itself. They did not look best pleased. I’d actually seen them perform before at a reception in the castle I’d gone to with Margaret a year or so ago. And I’d had the pleasure of meeting the leader of their troop.

“Hello, Fire Flare,” I called out to her, while Bones wrung out his soaked and drooping stetson. “How goes the light show?” Fire Flare however, stuck up her snout in disgust.

“Ha!” she laugh coldly. “As if we unicorns are going to waste our potential giving some humdrum little light show to a gaggle of dullard earth ponies.”

That got Bones’ attention, you know, with his girlfriend being an earth pony and all.

“And just what is that s’posed to mean?” he asked crossly, blocking their way.

“We unicorns are gifted with powerful magic,” Fire Flare went on. “And the last thing we should be doing is wasting it on lesser races.” I was shocked, and Bones looked ready to fight.

“You are out of order there, Fire Flare!” I said, doing my best to hold back my own anger. I knew unicorns in Canterlot could be a bit stuck up, but this was ridiculous! But the mare was not to be deterred.

“If you’ll kindly get out of our way, human,” she said, shouldering her way past me. “We have better things to do with our time that be at this silly celebration.”

I was too stunned to say anything. Racism was bad enough, but insulting one of Celestia’s advisors and an officer of the court? Bones too seemed to be at a loss. I think if Fire Flare had been a stallion, the situation would have played out quite differently. She should consider herself fortunate that Bones would never put his hooves on a mare.

“That just happened, didn’t it?” he said after a moment. I nodded dumbly.

The three tribes had been unified for over a thousand years, since the very first Hearth’s Warming Eve. Where the hell had this sudden unicorn superiority come from? Something was definitely going on. You had Tirek going after the earth ponies, Cozy messing with the weather, now who do I know who’s good at manipulating others? Chrysalis was in play.

But what was the point of all this? Okay, I get stealing magic. But why cause chaos just before the celebration? Were they trying to catch us all off guard? Or was their grand plan of revenge just to make Twilight’s life somewhat unpleasant? I could certainly live with the latter. Still, regardless of what else might be going on, my objective was clear. Warn the princesses of what was going on and expose this infiltration. We were at Canterlot Castle now. It was time to blow the lid on this thing.

I knew that Twilight was in Celestia’s chambers, with her former mentor and Luna, practising lowering the moon and raising the sun with the special device Celestia had given her during her brief vacation. Her friends meanwhile, were all gathered in the throne room planning the celebration, and presumably now doing their best to undo the damage Discord’s merry band of villains had caused. Of course, as far as Braeburn, or anypony else was concerned, a few ponies had gotten sick, there now weren’t enough cooks to make all the food, never mind enough ingredients, the weather teams had messed up with the storms, and the unicorn display team had walked off in a huff. None of them knew that three of the most dangerous villains had infiltrated the city. I just hoped the security in the castle would hold.

Before too long, we came across a guard checkpoint. I’d been planning on giving the order here to start cycling through security codes every fifteen minutes to protect against infiltration or replacement. Our foes couldn’t gain entry from the skies thanks to the fans, but I wouldn’t put it past at least Chrysalis to be able to slip by a guard post.

To my dismay though, the checkpoint was empty. There ought to have been at least two guards on duty here at any one time. But now it seemed deserted.

“Well this ain’t good,” Bones commented dryly. “Still, it’s pretty weird that Tirek would try for stealth tactics. Guy always struck me as a more straightforward type.”

I’d been playing my cards close to my chest this whole time. As far as Bones knew, this was just Tirek. And no matter what that tree might say, it was foolish to leave him out of the loop. The two of us quickly searched the guard post, and it wasn’t long before Bones found what I was hoping we wouldn’t.

“Ah ha!” he said. “Here we are. Out of sight, out of mind, as some folks say.”

Walking over to join him, I found an unconscious guard hidden up a corner. Chrysalis had probably nabbed the other one when he stepped away for a moment, replaced him, and then used her new disguise to catch this poor chap off guard. Well, at least she hadn’t cocooned him, and his magic seemed intact.

“Ya know,” Bones said. “This don’t feel like Tirek at all. This kind of cloak and dagger work reads more like changeling.”

“Chrysalis,” I said, nodding in agreement. “They’re working together.” Bones barked a laugh.

“Sure,” he replied. “Because Tirek really plays well with others.”

“He does if it serves his agenda,” I replied. “And Chrysalis or Cozy would be able to help him sneak into the city. He plays the muscle, they’re the brains.” Of course, this was a bit too much for Bones.

“What?” he asked perplexedly.

And with that, I explained it all. Grogar, and who Grogar was. The three deadly enemies were now working as a team and had, in all likelihood, successfully infiltrated the castle for reasons unknown. Bones took it all reasonably well. If anything, he seemed more interested that Grogar was a real being in this universe as opposed to that G1 thing. Still, his attitude to Discord…

“Okay,” he said. “You go find the princesses. Ah’m gonna go find Discord and see how long he can survive without a head.”

“Bones!” I shot back.

“At least tell the princesses!” he pleaded. “Those three are dangerous enough on their own. Together, and without the Elements, they might be just dangerous enough.”

“The Tree says no,” I replied.

“The same Tree that didn’t foresee itself nearly getting choked by vines, that stood idly by when Chrysalis, or the Storm King, or the Pony of Shadows attacked? The same Tree that missed Sombra blowing it away? Y’all can do what ya like. But Ah say we step on this thing here and now.”

“Better the devil you know, Bones,” I said, now moving to block his retreat. “We might have to go through hell, but at least we know we’ll come out the other side. You stray from the timeline, who knows what will happen? For goodness sake, you’re the one who put me onto this whole non-interference malarkey in the first place!”

That luckily seemed to sway him, and he relented. Though not before one last complaint.

“Just for the record,” he said. “Every single successful Starfleet captain has broken the Prime Directive at least once.”

“Look. At least we can sound the alarm on this. The Tree hasn’t shown up and told us to stand down, so I say let’s get these buggers and put ‘em back in jail.”

At that moment, we were joined by a third voice.

“Ooh,” Discord said in excitement, having materialised behind the two of us. “Can I help?”

Rather then being startled, both Bones and I turned around and gave him an unamused look.

“What?” the draconequus asked curiously.

“Discord,” I said. “Your little psychology test and Twilight confidence building exercise is running around out there causing havoc. Any idea why?” He shrugged, which just made me more annoyed.

Discord is many things, but he’s not an idiot. He’d be keeping tabs on those three while they were loose. After all, you don’t send three beings that were fairly likely to stab you in the back at the first opportunity, and then not know exactly what they were up to. But he chose to feign ignorance.

“How should I know?” he replied. “I haven’t told them to do anything ever since I sent them off to try and find that bell thingy. Now I have to find some other ancient artifact for them to use to make them actually dangerous and pose some degree of threat.”

“So you set those three loose on Equestria, and ya don’t even know what they’re planning?” Bones asked in amazement.

“Well, if I knew it would spoil the surprise,” he replied. “And even if I did, if I tell you, you’ll just go and run off to tell Tia and ruin the whole thing.”

See, this is the problem with Discord. He’s reformed yes, and he genuinely did mean well and wanted to help boost Twilight’s confidence. But he’s never been able to fully shake off his Machiavellian ways. Hence why, instead of talking to her, teaching her a thing or two, or even simply offering words of encouragement, he had instead put everypony I cared about at risk, resurrected a supposedly dead tyrant, and broken two more out of jail, placed hundreds of ponies in danger, and had left us open to even more serious attacks. And worst of all, he can’t admit when he’s gone too far, unless Fluttershy tells him, and even that’s hit and miss.

“Discord, this isn’t safe,” I said, doing my best to get through that thick skull of his. “Any of those villains on their own are dangerous enough.” Discord now cut me off.

“But not a match for me,” he replied.

Snapping his talons, he produced a flying pig, which flew a little way down the hall, before it was set upon by one of the security geese, and vanished in a burst of confetti.

“Even if they do get out of hoof,” he went on “I can have them back in Tartarus in moments. And that’s assuming they don’t turn on each other first. They really do hate each other remember.” I turned to Bones, whose attitude had changed a little at Discord’s reassurance.

“He does have a point there, Dad,” he agreed. “Ah still think what he’s doin’ is dangerous, but he’s got a kill switch ready, and we’ve both seen how well Tirek handles alliances, never mind Chrysalis.”

“So what, you think we should just let this play out?” I asked.

“Ah say we keep tabs on ‘em, but yeah,” Bones said with a nod. “This is Equestria, Dad; they were screwed from minute one. Worst case scenario, they end up in Tartarus. Who knows, this whole mutual cooperation thing Discord has them doin’ might even prompt reformation. This could all end with the last three outstanding bad guys either on side or dealt with permanently.” I folded my arms.

“I still want to know what they were doing,” I persisted. “I can take letting Discord’s plan play out, but I want to know every move. I certainly don’t want my wife or children subjected to mind control or worse.”

“Well then,” Discord said. “In that case I suggest you direct your attention to the archives, in particular the restricted section. Ta!”

And with that, he snapped his talons and vanished.

Given Discord’s love of cryptic hints, I decided to take him at his word and pay a visit to the castle’s archives. While I still planned on warning Tia and the others, it wouldn’t do us too much good if we didn’t know what was going on. In all honesty, I suspected that Chrysalis, Tirek and Cozy were long gone.

I figured that what we’d just seen was a clever bit of misdirection; cause all sorts of havoc in the celebration, and then use that confusion to enter the castle and achieve their actual objective. What that objective was though, was still unclear. In any case, there was little point in reporting anything until I had better evidence. And of course, much to my dismay, I couldn’t let Celestia in on Discord’s plan. But the Tree had said nothing about reporting on other things. And a break in seemed more than important.

Still, Twilight’s friends seemed to have everything under control now. The earth ponies had regained their strength. Tirek couldn’t keep the stolen magic without arousing suspicion on the part of his erstwhile master. Rarity managed to talk some sense into the unicorns, and Rainbow Dash, with help from the Wonderbolts, got the weather back under control. The ceremony itself would go off without a hitch.

Before that though, Bones and I made our way to the archives. There was evidence of foul play, with the locked gate now open, by force by the looks of things, and several texts scattered about the place. I quickly found the catalogue, and we started going through the texts to see what was missing. It would have taken us an age if the name of one particular tome hadn’t caught my eye.

“Hey, Bones,” I called out, catching my son’s attention. “See if you can find ‘ On the Bewitching Bell’ anywhere. Given what we know, there’s a good chance that’s what they may have been after.”

I too set to looking through the shelves and on the floor where books had been scattered. A minute or so later, Bones reported.

“No sign of it, Dad,” he said. “Ya think they took it?”

“Makes sense they would,” I replied. “Discord said they couldn’t retrieve the bell when he sent them to Mount Everhoof. Maybe they’ll use this as a way to overcome whatever it is that’s protecting it. In any case, we better report this to the guard and Celestia. But keep quiet about this whole Grogar business until I say otherwise.”

Bones grumbled irritably at that. Like me, and possibly more so given his relationship with the Element of Honesty, he doesn’t much care for lies, even those of omission.

Still, we did indeed report the break in after we watched the very last Summer Sun Celebration. Although much to our collective delight, Twilight announced that while it was the last one, she would be creating a new holiday to replace it; the Festival of the Two Sisters. Both princesses were deeply touched by the gesture and remained confident in the little alicorn’s ability to take the proverbial reins.

I reflected on the fact that, like it or not, she was going to get a good test of her abilities before long. But along with that, I couldn’t help but dwell on the incident with Fire Flare. Ponies might have been a touch xenophobic at times, but conflict between the three tribes was a thing of the past as far as I knew. It alarmed me how vulnerable they seemed to be to manipulation. When things had gone wrong, they’d been awful quick to start blaming each other. And to my alarm, I’d see those same long forgotten prejudices coming to the fore in Canterlot as the day of the coronation drew near.

Chapter 32 - Bad Medicine

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As much as it pains me to say it, I am not a young man any more. I turned sixty one last year, and realistically, I’m getting close to retirement age. And while once upon a time, I was a gifted soldier with quick reflexes, nowadays, I’m just an old boy past his prime. As such, I’m starting to come across all sorts of little niggles with my mortal coil. I bruise a bit easier, I certainly can’t keep up with ponies at a run, and of course, I find myself needing reading glasses for anything smaller than newspaper headlines.

Of course, it’s the natural order of things. As the good book says, there is a time for everything, and while I don’t plan on dying any time soon, I do know I have to take things a little easier. I certainly think I’d have a harder time taking on Tirek as I did when he first got loose, and there’s no way I’d be up to that same hand to hand combat I saw in Canterlot during the Storm King’s invasion. I’m not infirm by any means mind you; I can still hold my own, I just have to remember, and occasionally remind myself that I’m not a young man any more.

Today’s chief complaint was my back. I’ve had some pains in there for a few days now. I think it’s partly my own fault due to bad posture over the years, but I also think it’s being caused by the mattress on my bed. It’s high time Margaret and I get a new one really. It wasn’t exceptionally painful, but getting up and sitting down was causing me to noticeably wince, and I had a hard time bending down or kneeling. Luckily, in my job, none of those are really required much.

Still, it was damn annoying and irritating. While I might have accepted my mortality, that didn’t mean I liked being reminded of it in every waking moment. I had hoped that it would just go away on its own, or at least that the pain would lessen. But if anything, it was getting worse as time went on, and I was now left with little choice but to go to the doctor’s office.

“It’s about time you did,” Margaret said to me over breakfast. “You’ve been moaning on and on about your back for the last two weeks. I’m amazed you haven’t gone already.” Picking up a copy of the local rag, I rolled my eyes.

“Come on, dear,” I replied. “You know how I feel about doctors and hospitals.” Margaret sighed in exasperation.

“I know, I know,” she said. “But Ponyville General isn’t The Manor. They’re qualified up there, and Dr Horse really knows his stuff.”

The Manor, was The Manor Hospital in the Midlands; the local A&E department when we were still living there. I both hated and feared that place for one simple reason; every single member of both my family and Margaret's who had gone in there, had come out in a box within seventy two hours. The place was infamous for its poor management, poor sanitation and general incompetence on the part of its staff. Margaret’s dad died in there as a result of both hospital infections, and also because the idiot nurse who was supposed to be looking after him screwed up his IV drip, missing the vein completely, and didn’t notice until he was so dehydrated it was far too late. Then when he went into arrest, despite the DNR the old man had, they jumped up on him and broke most of his ribs, making him look oh so peaceful for the Chapel of Rest.

So yes, I don’t much care for hospitals, doctors, or anything medical really, and do my best to look after myself, only going to see a quack as a last resort.

“I’ll pop in and see Nurse Redheart tomorrow,” I promised.

“In the meantime, at least take some paracetamol,” my wife suggested. “It should take the edge off. I’ll get some for you.”

Getting up, she went into the hall and headed upstairs to the bathroom and rooted around in the medicine cabinet. We’re both getting to that point where we have something of a pharmacy of our own in there now, particularly with the blood thinners the memsahib’s on. Returning a moment later, she tossed me a packet of Equestria’s version of Neurofen. It did help a little, at least dulling the pain, but it was still pretty uncomfortable. With any luck, a visit to Ponyville General tomorrow should land me with something a bit stronger.

Who knows, Horse might even hook me up with some of his own stash. Celestia knows he owes me for bailing him out the last time.

So the next day, after breakfast with my wife, I grabbed my coat and set off for Ponyville General Hospital. It honestly surprises me that Ponyville has its own hospital. I mean, I would understand the place having a doctor’s surgery, and possibly even an on-call doctor that made house calls, but it always struck me as a little disproportionate for the small town to have a fully fledged accident and emergency department. Although I suppose, given the alarming regularity with which weird stuff happens around here, it does sort of make sense.

It certainly explains why the place is outfitted to cope with a level three biohazard contamination event, and has enough staff to cope with a Holby City series finale.

Anyway, I set out to drop in at the walk in clinic. The hospital is on the other end of town, quite on its own really, with pretty large grounds around it. I think at one point it may have been a country estate, and later converted to serve as a hospital. It certainly didn’t look like the classic pseudo post-soviet 1980’s concrete monstrosities that passed for hospitals back home. Although I must confess, I do miss socialised medicine. While Equestria doesn’t have the same problems as the Americans, buying health insurance has become something I’ve needed to add to my annual to do list.

At this time in the morning, it was pretty quiet. Few ponies were up and about in the early hours on a Saturday. There were a few ponies about though, particularly pegasi buzzing about in the skies. I had no doubt that the Apples would also be up and about tending to their farm, while Fluttershy would be giving breakfast to all her animal friends.

Speaking of, she’s really come into her own this past year. For a good long while, she had her own sort of mini vet clinic operating out of her cottage that also served as something of a hotel for all sorts of animals. But with the opening of Sweet Feather Sanctuary, her own animal sanctuary, built not too far from her cottage, she’s really gone all in for the All Creatures Great and Small business. The place is only rivalled by Canterlot’s own royal gardens in terms of the sheer variety of animals. There’s everything from common garden birds, rabbits, birds of prey, to bears, snakes, and even elephants and giraffes. How she manages to care for them, I have no idea. Remember, she also has to devote a good chunk of her time to her new career in teaching at the school too. And don’t even get me started on taking care of Discord. In short, that’s a whole lot of plates for one mare to be spinning.

Although, having said that, they all do in one way or another. Twilight has her job as princess, librarian, and headmare. Applejack runs her farm, plus teaching. Rarity has her own little mini fashion empire, plus caring for Sweetie Belle. Pinkie has her job at Sugarcube Corner, never mind planning parties for pretty much everypony. And Rainbow Dash is an active duty Wonderbolt on thirty minute standby, plus the captain of the local weather team. Honestly, all of them need to really look at getting some ‘me’ time at some point. And that’s forgetting the occasional save the world scenario they get caught up in.

But back to Fluttershy, my daughter’s best and first friend in Equestria. She really has been running herself ragged of late. I mean, feeding and caring for all those animals would be enough on its own, but she even has blooming group therapy sessions for them. No pony, not even an element of harmony can keep up that pace forever.

It was as I was pondering this that I became conscious of the signature whooshing sound of a pegasus in flight, and it seemed to be getting awfully close for comfort. If I’d only looked up a couple of seconds earlier, I might have had a chance to dodge.

“Lookout!” Derpy called as she spiralled down towards me.

The pegasus mare, her saddlebags still streaming mail from both sides, had corkscrewed down and was now flying pretty much right at me at a speed far faster than I was comfortable with. One of the many ‘benefits’ of old age is that your reflexes go. So by the time I’d processed the impending disaster, the adorable little pony had ploughed into me at a good twenty miles an hour, sending me flying onto my back and knocking the wind out of me.

“Argh, sod it!” I snarled, more to myself than anything else. I could never be cross with Derpy.

She’d effectively tackled me, hitting my right in the chest, sending us both flying temporarily, and landing me a good few feet away on my back, with a now very bewildered pegasus pony sitting on top of me, looking like a perplexed St Bernard.

“Oh, sorry, Mr. Owen,” she said apologetically, as her two eyes briefly aligned themselves to look at me, “I think I overloaded myself back at the post office. Are you okay?” I groaned a little, gently nudging the pegasus off me as I sat up.

“I’m fine, Derpy,” I replied, fairly confident nothing was broken. “Are you alright? You ran into me at a fair rate of knots.” Derpy smiled, instantly making me feel better.

“Oh I’ve had way worse crashes than that,” she reassured me. “It takes a lot more than that to put a mailmare out of commission.” Smiling, I got to my feet, wincing as my back decided to shoot a new wave of pain up my spine.

“Here,” I said, as I stretched a little. “Let me give you a hand clearing up.”

So the two of us set to work, picking up letters, in what I’m sure was a gross violation of data protection laws. I was starting to feel a touch sore in my gut by the time we were done, but I was none the worse for wear really. Like Derpy, I’ve taken worse knocks over the years.

I couldn’t help but find the whole thing a little funny. Just one of the surreal every day events that has become part of my life now; literally running into an adorable four foot tall pegasus. Some ponies get cross with Derpy when she crash-lands or makes a mistake, but I really can’t see how anypony can be so black hearted. I still remember having to physically hold back Bones from knocking Blueblood inside out after he called Derpy a stupid wall eyed retard to her face. She’s a really sweet gal, and when it comes down to it, is very good at her job. She has a kind heart too, caring deeply for her daughter, the equally adorably unicorn filly, Dinky. The two of us got to talking about the adorable little girl as we finished collecting half of Ponyville’s mail that had been scattered from here to Timbuktu.

“Dinky’s really enjoying school,” Derpy was saying. “She really gets on well with Margaret, and Cheerilee too. And ever since the Cutie Mark Crusaders were able to convince Diamond Tiara to not be such a bully, school has gotten a lot better for them.”

Ah yes, my wife had told me about Diamond Tiara. Until not so long ago, she was quite the mean little bully at school, along with her best friend Silver Spoon. The both of them came from what passes for money in Ponyville. Diamond’s father was Filthy Rich; owner of Barnyard Bargains. And while he doted on his daughter, the problem was his wife, Spoiled Rich. She was the one with the real mean streak, and was in general an abusive parent, being cold and distant toward her daughter, resulting in the bad behaviour towards her classmates, including Dinky. But Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were able to help her and redeemed her somewhat. Ever since then, things have been pretty quiet at the school.

“Oh, it’s always nice to see the kids getting along,” I said as I passed her the last couple of letters. “And how have you been keeping, Derpy? I know I haven’t had a chance to chat in a while.” The pegasus shrugged her shoulders.

“Oh, not too bad I suppose. Although I got to see Princess Celestia and Princess Luna not so long ago. The two of them were at a post office when I was making a delivery, and the post master asked me to make a quick delivery for them. It was kinda strange really. Princess Luna posted a letter to Princess Celestia, but they were standing right next to each other. So the letter just got stamped and I handed it to her. She seemed really excited about it for some reason.” I smiled at that.

“That’s just Luna’s way, Derpy,” I reassured her. “You know with her having been gone for a thousand years, there’s quite a lot of mundane stuff that we all just accept that she finds fascinating, and I know the postal service is one of them. She even has quite the stamp collection going. But you didn’t hear that from me.”

Luna’s stamp collection was indeed something of a state secret since she told her big sister about it. Celestia of course, found her younger sibling’s antics endearing, but the giggling was not taken well by the Princess of the Night, who ordered me to tell no one. Naturally, I still use it from time to time to tease her, as does Discord, who found out in his own way. Derpy certainly didn’t laugh at it, but was instead just a little touched that her princess would take such an interest in her profession, which is sadly so often overlooked in this modern age as just another convenience.

After making sure Derpy had all her mail squared away again, I sent her on her way to continue with her rounds, although she was kind enough to hand deliver some of my own mail, which both saved her a stop on her route, and guaranteed I picked up my new mail promptly.

Heading back on the path, I continued on my way to the hospital, and butterflies once again decided to nest in my stomach. I did my best to ignore it. Like Margaret said, this wasn’t the NHS I was dealing with her. The doctors and nurses had actual qualifications, could speak proper Ponish, and didn’t spend all their time huddled outside around burning rubbish bins demanding yet more money from the government.

I soon found myself in front of the large stately home that now served as the hospital. A large red cross on a white background was displayed prominently on the front of the building, reminding me of an old field hospital from the last war, and with the traditional red lantern hanging by the door. Just as police stations have a blue lantern, in days gone by, a doctor’s office would have a red one. The resources inside were far greater than any RAMC establishment and would certainly have shamed The Manor. Automatic doors, an uncommon sight in Equestria, slid open as I walked into the clean, well kept lobby.

It was fairly quiet this early on in the morning. Ponyville’s population doesn’t exactly have heavy medical requirements. It wasn’t like back home, where you had an ageing population that were stretching all services to breaking point and hogging all the appointments and antibiotics. Here, it was quite possible to simply stop by the free clinic that they had each day with Nurse Redheart or Doctor Horse. And if anything serious did come up, they were quite good at pencilling you in for an appointment in the near future.

I found Nurse Tender Heart on the reception desk, the youngest of the two senior nurses, and far less intimidating that Redheart, who reminds me of an old school matron. She was dealing with my old enemy paperwork as I walked in, a pencil grasped in her teeth. She set it down as I walked up to the desk.

“Good morning, Mr. Owen,” she said brightly. “How can I help you today?”

“I’m just looking to see whoever is running clinic today, please,” I said, leaning slightly on the desk to take some pressure off my back. Tender Heart nodded.

“Well, Nurse Redheart is on duty in the clinic today. She’s with another patient right now, but she should be free shortly. I’ll take a few details from you while we wait if that’s alright.”

“Sure,” I replied. Tender Heart pulled out a clipboard and set to work.

She confirmed a few details, my age, date of birth, a few lifestyle questions, such as smoking and alcohol intake, and finally took a brief summary of the reason for my visit. It saved Redheart having to ask a load of questions and kept appointments moving. I explained that I’d been having some back pain for the last couple of weeks. Tender Heart dutifully jotted all of this down and then invited me to take a seat while her colleague finished dealing with another patient.

I wasn’t kept waiting too long. I barely had time to pick up one of the nearby magazines that were left around for patients to read when the door to the exam room opened and Cranky Doodle, one of Ponyville’s two resident donkeys came out, followed by Nurse Redheart. The grouchy old coot is pretty much a neighbour of mine. He lives just across the way with his wife Matilda. We get on well enough as neighbours, but he prefers to mostly keep to himself. Redheart said something to him that I didn’t bother listening to. It wasn’t really my business anyway. After she sent him on his way, she called me over.

“If you’d like to come this way, Mr. Owen,” she said sternly as she picked up my chart from Tender Heart.

Like I said before, Redheart is your classic old fashioned hospital matron. Her word is very much law under this roof, and there was no way I was going to keep her waiting. Getting to my feet, I followed her inside. The exam room was just what you’d expect; a fairly small room with a hospital bed in the centre, as well as a small desk for Redheart to work at. The walls were covered with cabinets, mostly locked, which held various medical tools and equipment. Following her inside, Redheart closed the door. Despite her smaller size, she still had the ability to intimidate, and I once again remembered my fear of hospitals.

“So, I understand you’re experiencing some back pain?” she said, as she glanced over my chart with a practised eye.

“Yes,” I replied, sitting down on the slightly too low bed, and wincing a little. “I’m fine standing up or sitting down; it’s moving around that does it, things like getting on and off the train at Canterlot.” Redheart frowned.

“Well, it probably has something to do with the fact that most of the seats in Equestria weren’t really built with you in mind,” she said. “I know you have your custom made furniture at home, and presumably you have something similar in your office, but a lot of day to day activities would put a real strain on a biped.”

She did make a good point. Most places we went to weren’t exactly suitable. Chairs and benches were too low, and don’t even get me started on those cushion seats ponies seem to be do fond of. Then there’s all the ducking I have to do to get through some lower doorways. The castle isn’t too bad, considering I’m about the same height as Tia, but a lot of other places did have me hunching down somewhat. I suppose being shorter at five foot, it was less of a problem for Margaret.

“So what do you suggest?” I asked. Redheart thought.

“Well, sadly, I can’t redesign all of Equestria to accommodate you,” she said with just a hint of sarcasm. “However, I can suggest something for the pain and to help reduce the inflammation.”

Pulling out her prescription pad, she jotted down a few things before tearing it off and handing it to me. Curiously, I could actually read her writing.

“I can prescribe a herbal remedy to help deal with the pain, and a cooling lotion to reduce the inflammation.”

“Grand,” I said, taking the sheet of paper from her. “So I take it just get this filled out at the pharmacy then?” Redheart smiled.

“In a manner of speaking,” she replied. “You’ll find everything you need over at Zecora’s. She’s been most helpful recently with remedies for more than couple of my patients. I’m trying to convince Dr. Horse to let us hire her as a pharmacist.”

“Wait,” I said, with no small amount of surprise. “So you’re telling me I have to trek all the way into the Everfree Forest, risking timberwolves, cockatrices, and a massive ursa major just to fill my prescription?”

“You always said we were better than the NHS,” Redheart replied.

So, with a prescription in hand, I once again set off on a journey. It would be quite a trek to Zecora’s, the Everfree’s flora and fauna notwithstanding. I was on one side of Ponyville, away from the Everfree and closer to Canterlot. The hospital, as I’ve said, is quite out on its own, away from the town proper, being a former estate. I really must ask Celestia when I get a chance which noble it was who once owned it. The Everfree Forest though, was on the other side of town, as was Sweet Apple Acres and Fluttershy’s cottage, meaning I either had to go back through town or go on a bit of a walk.

Well, Margaret’s always saying I could use the exercise, considering how much of my job involves sitting down in a comfy chair, so I opted for the longer route. The advantage was that I wouldn’t have to go back through a now busy Ponyville; it was market day after all, and I could enjoy the scenery of the surrounding beautiful countryside. It was an gorgeous sunny day after all. And when was the last time I just went for a walk? Given all that had gone on over the past couple of weeks, it would be nice to just relax and be alone with my thoughts for a while.

There were a few paths and roads that skirted around the edge of Ponyville, and I took one of these as I left the hospital grounds. Being nestled as it is, deep in a valley, Ponyville’s surroundings as mostly open flatlands, in contrast to the hilly Welsh countryside I’d previously lived in before we ended up here. Trust me, up and down repeated ad naseum is not a recipe for a relaxing stroll. I always used to joke that the Dutch holidaymakers who would visit the area every summer only came for the novelty of the hills.

The weather was warm, but there was a slight breeze blowing to make sure you didn’t get too hot, and the grass was soft underfoot. I’ll always maintain that England is God’s own country, but Equestria certainly comes a close second, being just as much a green and pleasant land. A few birds flittered to and fro overhead, the odd squirrel or rabbit would occasionally appear in front of me, and on the wind, I could hear the clock in town striking the hour.

Before too long though, I came around to the other side of Ponyville, having crossed the river, and approached the foreboding Everfree Forest. I’ve been in there once or twice, but I always avoid the place if I can help it, more so now that the Tree of Harmony was no longer holding back the woods in its new form. Starswirl had said that he’d done something to rein the place in, and he did create the Tree after all, but I still didn’t like the looks of Equestria’s answer to the Wild Wood. And just like in The Wind in the Willows, while the place itself isn’t evil or anything, and plenty of the creatures within are harmless, there are others who would eat you as soon as look at you, or worse.

Still, Zecora had been out here, on her own for years, and remained quite safe in her home, so obviously it could be done. And I’d been alright when I first found myself in there. So, swallowing my fear, and noticing that it was far less than my fear of hospitals, I pushed a few branches out of the way, and headed inside.

There’s not really too much I can say about my trip through the Everfree Forest, apart from the fact that it was uneventful. I could give you a blow by blow account of the trip, but I think it would be rather boring, given that the highlight would be that I tripped on a exposed tree root at one point and almost lost my balance. Other than that, apart from the feeling of slight dread that I felt whenever I went near the place, it was all quiet. I suspect things got noticeably safer as I neared Zecora’s home. It was a well known fact that she could look after herself in this place, and most predators gave her a wide berth as a result.

In reality, the trip was probably no more dangerous than walking through the woods in America. Sure there were bears, or wolves or cougars (and not the fun kind), but the odds of you running into one were pretty remote, and even if you did, they’d tend to leave you alone unless provoked. I didn’t see or feel anything prowling around near me. And let’s not forget, a few months ago, Twilight and her friends came here on a camping trip of all things. And with Starswirl and the restored Tree keeping the forest’s wilder nature at bay, the place was in reality, as safe as White Tail Woods, just a little darker.

Amongst the darkness though, there was the shining light given off by Zecora’s home. It was somewhat like Twilight’s old library, in that it was partly built out of a vast old tree, adorned with small lanterns. It looked a little unsettling at first, with gnarled, twisted branches, and the door and two windows seeming to form an eerie face. I can certainly see why some ponies once thought Zecora to be a witch at one point. Still, while she could be enigmatic at times, she was definitely one of the good guys. Her knowledge of potions is more than impressive. She’s treated Poison Joke contamination, an outbreak of Cutie Pox, and even once gave Twilight a potion that allowed her to see past events and learn about the Tree of Harmony.

So I was fairly confident she could whip up something to deal with some back pain. Either that or I might ask Fluttershy where Treehugger is.

Knocking on the wooden door with my knuckle, I called out to the zebra inside.

“Zecora, it’s Roger. Nurse Redheart sent me up here.” A moment later, and the door opened to reveal Zecora.

She’s the average size for a pony. Although unlike a pony, her hide is the classic black and white stripes. Her mane is done up in a mohawk, giving her an extra couple inches of height. Around her neck and forelegs are gold bands, and her cutie mark (at least I think it’s a cutie mark, for all I know it may just be a cultural thing, but I’m too polite to ask) was a spiral pattern. Her blue eyes fixed themselves on me for a moment as she smiled up at me.

“Roger, welcome to you,” she said in that African sounding accent of hers. “Come inside, and I shall fetch you a brew.” God I love that clever on the fly rhyming of hers.

The zebra stepped back from the threshold, allowing me inside. Zecora lives very simply. Her home is just a single room, centred around a large stewing pot, in which she always seems to be mixing something or other together. Along the walls were shelves filled with all sorts of unusual ingredients. It hard to determine what was used for potions, and what was just provisions for living out here. For decoration, there were a variety of Zebrican works of art, mainly masks, as well as what looked like a dream catch from the buffalo. Finally, on a sort of raised platform, which reminded me of the compartment in a camper-van, was a hammock like bed.

Zecora returned to the pot in the centre, under which a fire was steadily going. Setting out two cups with tribal designs on them, she grabbed a ladle in her teeth and carefully poured out two servings, one for me, and one for herself. She pushed one cup towards me with her nose.

“What’s this then?” I asked, taking a look at the hot, golden red liquid within.

“A pleasant new herbal blend. With the added bonus of helping injured bones to mend.”

I took a sip of the liquid and quickly felt the effect. It tasted not too different from any other herbal tea I’ve come across, but that was the last thing on my mind. Why you ask? Well, simple; my back pain was gone, as in poof, vanished. I’d only taken a brief sip of whatever potion she’d cooked up, and it had worked like a charm.

However, as I enjoyed this new, pain free existence, I became cognisant of one rather important fact.

I’d not had a chance to tell Zecora precisely why I was here, and the prescription Redheart gave me was still in my jacket pocket. And yet Zecora clearly had this stuff waiting for me just as I walked in.

“How did you know I had back problems?” I asked in surprise as I set my cup down. Zecora chuckled.

“You are not the only one who sometimes over exerts. Sometimes, after a long day of work, I find that it is my shoulder that hurts.”

True enough, I suppose, I thought to myself. Zecora may live very simply, and more in harmony with nature than anypony else, but it is a difficult and demanding life at times, I have no doubt.

She was kind enough to provide me with a decent sized pouch of tea leaves to tide me over, but counselled me to heed Nurse Redheart’s advice and try to avoid putting any unnecessary strain on my back. After all, this remedy of hers was a treatment, not a cure.

It seemed a bit rude of me to just take off and leave, so I opted to stay a while and chat with the zebra. She may come across as mysterious and enigmatic, but she reminds me a lot of Celestia, having quite the mischievous side to her and is wonderfully friendly. We swapped a few interesting stories; Zecora had plenty of them from her time teaching Apple Bloom about potions, apparently the filly is well on her way to becoming a skilled chemist at this point. We also talked about our mutual friend; Discord. He seems to like Zecora too, what with her being something of an outsider like himself, and he certainly enjoys her willingness to occasionally step outside social norms.

Eventually, the subject of Fluttershy came up. I think we were talking about that sanctuary of hers. I suggested that maybe Zecora could consider offering her some advice or maybe lend a hoof from time to time. While she is a medicine mare by trade, she also knows a fair bit about animals due to the amount of time she’s lived amongst them various creatures of the Everfree.

“It was not the amount of work that strained the poor mare. It was that companion of hers, the cousin of a hare.”

“Ah, you mean Angel, Equestria’s only lapine psychopath,” I replied with a smile.

I honestly think it’s due to living with that rabbit for so long that she was able to reform Discord. While he’d never admit it, the two are disturbingly alike. Both love being the centre of attention, both adore Fluttershy and seek her approval constantly, and the both of them can throw right tantrums at the worst moments.

“Your opinion of him is indeed quite true,” Zecora replied, sipping on her tea, “But I think you’ll find the two have a better understanding, now that they’ve seen life from a different point of view.”

“What do you mean?” I asked curiously.

“Each of them did not understand the other’s motivation,” Zecora went on. “With my help, they got to experience their lives in a different vocation.”

See, this is where talking in a combination of rhyme and riddle can make you a bit hard to understand at times.

I eventually managed to get the full story out of her. And what I found was rather alarming.

Fluttershy and Angel had been having a bit of a tiff, with Fluttershy not able to spend as much time with him as she used to, due to her commitments at the sanctuary, as well as her teaching job. With a grumpy Angel on her back, Fluttershy went to Zecora’s to get some more concentrated carrot extract for her stores. Zecora saw how the two were in such a state of disharmony and offered a potion that she promised would help, giving only the advice to take it back at the cottage. Angel however, didn’t heed that advice and took a swig on the way home. It turned out that the potion somehow switched the two creatures’ minds around, putting Fluttershy in Angel’s body and vice versa.

Now, how do I best describe my feelings towards this? Ah yes.

What in the name of Celestia herself?!

Okay, it wasn’t technically illegal, as there’s no legislation against the particular potion Zecora cooked up. But the fact that she gave the pair this potion without telling them what it did, or the way to undo it (i.e. solve their friendship problem), left a lot to be desired. Add to that the fact that Fluttershy, in Angel’s body, had almost been nabbed by a hawk and was entirely exhausted by the end of her ordeal, and you had one very cheesed off legal advisor.

Zecora however, was quick to reassure me that she had kept a careful eye on the pony and rabbit and did eventually explain to Fluttershy how to undo the effects, as well as having an antidote if needed. And to be fair, she did recommend taking the potion in the safety of Fluttershy’s cottage, so I could hardly blame her for that. Still, it was a touch irresponsible, but no more than any of Twilight’s little mishaps. So it seemed a bit hypocritical of me to take any action against her. Her goal was honourable enough, letting each side see the other’s point of view. It was only because they’d drunk the potion before they got home that there were any problems.

In the end, given that Dr Fawn had already advised Zecora not to do anything so rash again, and as the outcome was ultimately good, I decided to let things lie. There’s a world of difference between the letter of the law and its spirit. And while Zecora’s version of couples’ therapy was teetering on the edge of Equestrian law, it was still on the right side.

And speaking of couples’ therapy, I would soon find myself involved in mediating a dispute of my own, between three very unlikely characters.

Chapter 33 - Failure to Communicate

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“What we have here,” I said, as I leaned back in my chair and smiled a touch to myself. “Is a failure to communicate.”

The group assembled across from me all looked at me with a perplexed expression across the desk.

“Er, say what now?” Rainbow Dash asked, tilting her head in a very avian way. I quickly drew myself back to the matter at hand.

“Sorry, Dash,” I said, all business again. “Just one of my human references.” Dash rolled her eyes.

“But seriously, we do have quite the sticky wicket here don’t we?”

A stocky wicket was right. I’d come to work this morning to find myself mediating in a very unusual dispute. The briefing was that a couple of rival archaeologists, along with some sort of a guardian creature, had been butting heads over various ancient historical artifacts that were dotted all over Equestria’s answer to South America. Now though, they’d put aside their differences, having come to see things from their opponents' point of view, and were looking to undo the damage caused by several years of conflict.

That would be normal enough, if the two ponies and guardian creature in question weren’t supposed to be fictional. Believe it or not, but across from me stood Daring Do, Dr. Caballeron, and Ahuizotl. If you’d asked me yesterday, I’d have told you that they were characters in the ponies’ answer to Indiana Jones. Good books sure, but just stories. Although, when you consider that entire world was supposedly fictional, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.

Dash and Fluttershy, who were with them in my office for this pow-wow, explained that A. K Yearling; the author of the Daring Do books, was actually the vine swinging, trap dodging, bad guy punching protagonist of her stories. They were all very much real and true, more or less. It was all kept under wraps to protect both Daring’s privacy, and to safeguard the valuable artifacts that she secured on behalf of Equestria.

I’ve been a bit of a fan of the series myself. Lizzie got me into it originally after Fluttershy turned her onto the books. She quickly fell in love with the stories and characters, which to me, harkened back to the likes of The Thirty-Nine Steps or Greenmantle, recapturing that spirit of adventure that seems to have entirely disappeared from the modern world, at least as far as Earth is concerned. I too quickly made my way through the series, and I’ve gotten into the fandom a bit, much to Bones’ glee. But I always figured it was just a story. Well written, perhaps, but still just a story.

So you can only imagine the surprise I felt when Celestia told me what her next case was. She had Buttercup come and fetch me down to the throne room, only saying that she needed help mediating a dispute between a couple of archaeologists and one of the locals about some ancient artifacts. I heard her chuckling when I stopped dead in my tracks upon seeing Daring Do, in her full explorer gear, standing next to her two most hated adversaries.

But while Celestia might have sprung the case on me as one of her little games, I had unknowingly been dealing with it a little earlier in the week, when my daughter approached me for some legal advice of her own.

It all started when Lizzie came storming into my house and all but cantered into the living room. Like most people in Ponyville, I don’t tend to lock my door, certainly not in the daytime at any rate, so the kids, when they drop by, do tend to let themselves in. I was pretty much napping on the sofa, having spent the afternoon alternating between catching up on some case files and watching films of the projector we have rigged up in the house. I was just about to doze off when I was violently startled awake as Lizzie all but slammed a book onto the coffee table in front of me.

“Jesus, Lizzie!” I exclaimed in fright, and with some annoyance. “You trying to give me a heart attack?” She wasn’t in a sympathetic mood though. You get my daughter angry and, well...Celestia help you.

“Having you seen this?” she exclaimed gesturing to the book that now rested on my possibly cracked wooden coffee table.

Leaning forward, I fished my reading glasses out of my shirt pocket and put them on, taking a moment to translate the Ponish writing into English. It was entitled ‘The Fallen Idol’ and was authored by a Groom Q. Q. Martingale. A curious name in a land of ponies, but then again, so is A. K Yearling when you stop and think about it. It appeared to be the newest Daring Do book judging by the cover art. Although as it wasn’t written by Yearling herself, I assumed it was some kind of fanfiction or a spiritual successor. Celestia knows not all the fans liked the direction Yearling took the series with the fifth book. Opening it up, I took a look at the summary. It was actually quite clever, the story was written from the perspective of Dr Caballeron; an archaeologist and Daring Do’s main rival, who sought to acquire treasures for profit at best, and to sell dangerous magical artifacts to the highest bidder at worst. As such, Daring was the antagonist, with Caballeron playing more the victim and painting Daring in quite the negative light.

More interestingly though, it claimed that A. K Yearling and Daring Do were one and the same, saying that the author took stories of her own archaeological adventures, wildly inflated them, and then spread misinformation about her competitors. As a piece of fiction, it was quite well written, with a very interesting premise that almost made me believe it was real. As a solicitor, I’m always playing the Devil’s advocate, so this sort of seeing things from the other side was quite the norm to me.

Lizzie however, didn’t much care for it.

“Interesting premise,” I commented.

“It’s a load of horseapples is what it is!” she shot back.

“Hey, language, sweetie,” I said warningly.

“It’s true though,” she replied. “This Groom Q. Q whatever is dragging Daring Do’s name through the mud.”

And I thought Bones was the one who took fiction too seriously. He once told me that he spent the better part of a night arguing with some random guy on the Internet about why Princess Luna was better than Princess Celestia.

“It’s just a story, Lizzie,” I replied placatingly.

“But it has a go at A. K Yearling too,” Lizzie pointed out. “Saying that she’s really Daring Do and accusing her off all sorts of stuff she didn’t do. And it’s causing ponies to really turn on her. She’s taking flak for what her own fictional character didn’t even do. How is that fair?”

Hmm, well, she had a point there. Okay, it was a clever idea to suggest that Daring Do was in some way autobiographical, but given the unflattering nature of the story toward the khaki wearing adventurer, it might have been an idea to include a disclaimer on the front page. Technically, you could make a case for defamation if it was actually being taken seriously. Some ponies aren’t exactly the sharpest tools in the shed, and that goes double for fanatics.

So, being the upstanding fan of Daring Do that I am, I decided to at least humour my daughter and do some nosing about. Unbeknownst to me, at the same time, Rainbow had also just become aware of this new book that had come out, courtesy of Fluttershy. She took it about as well as Lizzie, and the pair quickly set off to find and warn their friend.

I meanwhile, after Lizzie had left to return to her duties with the Weather Patrol, took the more Twilight Sparkle type approach and started doing some research, my subject, one Groom Q. Q Martingale.

The back flap of the book had the usual brief biography of the author. He was a middle aged stallion, with a light brown coat and a greying, but once black mane. He actually reminded me more of a horse from Earth than any other pony I’ve come across, his coat and mane being unusually neutral colours. He had a pretty thick grey beard that obscured the lower half of his face, and on his head he wore a flat cap. In the picture I had, he was wearing a light blue shirt, with white suspenders, which were attached to a pair of dark blue trousers. These of course, covered his cutie mark entirely. Finally, he had somewhat hazel coloured eyes that struck me as being almost familiar. In fact, despite having never seen this pony until today, I couldn’t shake a feeling of familiarity, and some hostility too, although I put that down to my subconscious being none too pleased about the way he was slandering a good pony.

The biography itself was nothing special, just your generic BS. He was an archaeologist who had taken up writing to, allegedly, dispel some of the myths about the science that the Daring Do books had stirred up, and criticise some of the practices. After all, there’s a fine line between archaeology and looting. Still, I thought it best to dig a little deeper, and the next day when I was at work, I took the opportunity to run a make on the guy.

And that was where things got interesting.

There were records of him, sure. And what was there was reasonably extensive. But there was nothing on this guy going back more than a year or so. He just seemed to appear out of thin air. Well, from my own experience, I knew that this was a cover identity of some sort, fashioned very well. But as good as it was, this author just popped into existence and wrote his magnum opus, slandering Daring Do and A. K Yearling alike. So whoever he was, he wasn’t just Groom Q. Q Martingale.

Now, while technically, this wasn’t my bailiwick, it had got me interested. It appeared that I’d stumbled upon somepony with something to hide. For the life of me though, I couldn’t find any connections. Martingale had a reasonably well fabricated life with little to suggest who he really was, or why he’d created this false identity. I know many authors tend to write under a pseudonym at times, such as Samuel Clemens, known to the world of literature as Mark Twain. But usually, if you dug deep enough, you could find out who they really were. This guy though, was a ghost.

Of course, I had cases to deal with, and couldn’t spend my whole day on this wild goose chase. Speaking of, one of the security geese got loose in the day, and I actually ended up with a couple of Royal Guards bursting into my office in a vain effort to chase the bird down.

That evening, I was still pondering the odd affair as I leafed through the pages of one of my own Daring Do books, number three if I remember rightly. The Fallen Idol certainly raised several interesting counterpoints to each book in the series, and as I read, it was a little tricky not to see Daring as a bit of a rogue at times. I mean, for one thing, what gave her the right to keep all those dangerous artifacts to herself? In the real world, you’d expect them to be turned over to the princesses or something for safe keeping.

I’d left Lizzie’s discarded copy of The Fallen Idol open on the coffee table as I sat down to read on the sofa, the back flap hanging open with the author’s portrait, and was still leafing through the pages of A .K Yealing’s version of events when Margaret walked in.

“Busy day?” she asked as she sat herself down. “I haven’t seen you read that in a while. “She gestured to the book.

“Lizzie stopped by the other day,” I explained. “Got a right bee in her bonnet about this new author. He’s written a book taking a few pot shots at A. K Yearling and her character Daring Do. I did some checking into him, but Groom Q. Q Martingale is obviously a pen name. The guy doesn’t exist until a couple years back.”

Margaret sat down and looked at the image of Martingale, and then to the front cover of the book I was reading. The artwork was of Daring leaping over a waterfall and escaping the clutches of Dr. Caballeron. It was then that she hit the nail on the head.

“You know,” she said, pointing at Martingale’s picture. “If you take away the scraggly beard and the flat cap, this guy looks a bit like this fellow.” For effect, she tapped the image of Caballeron.

Turning the book over to look at the front cover, I compared the two images. While one was a photo and one was just an illustration, there was still a noticeable resemblance. Both had dark coats and manes, and in Martingale’s case, a key identifier, his cutie mark, was covered. And the thing that leapt out the most were the eyes. Both ponies had those same hazel eyes that held a sort of animal cunning in them.

It made sense I suppose. Martingale claimed that all of Daring Do’s stories were real, albeit widely exaggerated. Could Martingale actually be Caballeron?

I’d get my answer sooner than I though. Because while I’d been busy going in circles on a wild goose chase, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash had had themselves quite an adventure with both hero and villain. And in the morning, the Daring Do series was going to take a very unexpected turn.

And so, that morning, I found myself standing in the throne room with Tia on one side, and Daring Do, Dr Caballeron and Ahuizotl on the other. She smiled at my utter surprise. While I’d considered the idea that Yearling and Martingale might be competing archaeologists, I never for a moment thought that they were both simply Daring Do and Caballeron. And that was ignoring the massive, cat...thing that Ahuizotl is, standing a bit taller than even Celestia.

“I take it these are the two archaeologists and the member of the local populace who are in dispute, your highness?” Celestia smiled a small smile that belied her inner mirth.

“Indeed, my advisor,” she replied. “I believe you are familiar with all three of them, as are most of Equestria.”

“I’m familiar enough to know that he,” I replied, gesturing to Caballeron. “Is little more than a common theif and criminal. And by rights I should have him arrested.” We were at that point joined by two more ponies.

“Actually, Doctor Caballeron has agreed to stop hunting treasures for profit,” Fluttershy explained. “He’s also agreed to help undo the damage his book caused to both Daring Do’s and A. K Yearling’s reputation.”

“What?” I exclaimed, turning to the criminal in question. “Why?”

“Fluttershy, in a word,” Dash said with a shrug. “After I heard about what Caballeron was doing with that book of his, she and I went to confront him. I figured he was up to no good, trying to ruin Daring’s good name. But Fluttershy listened to his side of the story instead.”

“Most of that was made up,” Caballeron admitted. “As a pegasus, Fluttershy would be able to help me retrieve the Truth Talisman of Tonatiuh. So I spun her a story portraying my opponent here as the villain, and I as just a humble collector working for a museum.”

“But in the course of our journey together,” Fluttershy went on. “Caballeron and his hench ponies learned the importance of listening to each other. They even saved me when I accidentally triggered a trap.”

“That’s when Rainbow Dash and I came on the scene,” Daring said, picking up the story. “Caballeron didn’t realise the effect holding the talisman would have on him, and it compelled him to admit that he’d tricked Fluttershy. But at the same time, he’d also come to value her as a friend. That redemption trick of hers sure works wonders.”

“And that is when I intervened,” Ahuizotl added. “Trying to protect the talisman, I once again tried to stop those two adventurers. It wasn’t until Fluttershy asked me why I was trying to stop them from taking it that we began to understand one another.”

Seeing my curiosity peaked, Celestia now explained, bringing the story to a close.

“Ahuizotl is a guardian of the Tenochititlan jungle basin,” she explained to me. “He is responsible for protecting the various artifacts from misuse. Both Daring and Caballeron’s attempts to take various artifacts over the years have caused him no small amount of trouble. But thanks to Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, the three have been able to put aside their difference, each understanding why the other acted as they did.”

Quite the friendship mission,” I said in an impressed tone. “But why do you need me, princess. From the sounds of things, all’s well that ends well.” Celestia smiled.

“While the three of them have made peace, there are some issues still remaining. Chief among which is the various artifacts both ponies have taken over the years from the region. Ahuizotl would like them to be returned. However, most of them are owned either by museums or private collectors. I need you to help ensure the items are all located and returned to their rightful owner.”

Ah, now I saw how the land lay. It’s always a bit awkward to return stolen property, never mind property you paid fr in good faith. Particularly when the injured party can’t exactly show you a receipt. Most collectors would probably not be willing to part with their trinkets on just a say so. So I’d need to draw up some legal paperwork to lawfully seize them.

And of course, there was the small matter of Caballeron. While he might have come around now, based on what I knew of him from the Daring Do books, he was guilty of more than a few offences, including a couple counts of attempted murder. Statute of Limitations ought to take care of a fair chunk of them, but there a few things that would need to be settled to avoid him having to go to court and stand tall before the mare.

That however, wasn’t exactly the first thought that crossed my mind. I never quite got, until now, just how Bones could get so excited about meeting the ponies when we first arrived here. Despite everything, he was all but bouncing up and down in delight. As a fan of Daring Do, I was about to get to spend some time with a storybook hero and two of her greatest villains. I might have let that take over a bit.

Crossing the throne room to where the four ponies and guardian creature stood, I quickly introduced myself to the three of them.

“A pleasure to meet you all,” I said diplomatically as we shook hooves, hands and paws. “I’m a big fan of your books Daring Do. Or should I call you A. K Yearling?”

“Hey, the secret's out,” she replied. “I don’t mind, and I don’t think Groom over here will mind being called Caballeron.”

“Dr. Caballeron, please,” he added.

It was all so, surreal, meeting supposedly fictional characters. I’d met actors before. I even ran into Sir Patrick Stewart once. But you always knew them as actors. There was a big difference between meeting the actor and meeting their character. I felt like I’d somehow stepped into a Daring Do novel.

“Well then,” I said. “If the three of you would like to follow me, we can go to my office to discuss how things will be working out going forward.”

And so we come full circle, back to where my little story begins, with Daring Do, Caballeron and Ahuizotl standing in my office together.

“So you three were rivals and enemies all these years, and you never once wondered why you were at odds with the other?” I asked curiously.

“Not exactly,” Daring replied. “If you’ve read my books, you’ll know I first ran into Caballeron down in the jungle, when I was on assignment from the Fillydelphia Museum of Natural History. We were both after the same artifact, but he just wanted to sell it for profit.”

“Weren’t you doing the same? I asked, catching her off guard. “I know that wasn’t your ultimate goal, but you were being compensated by the museum for your services weren’t you?”

“Well, yeah,” Daring admitted. “I suppose when you put it that way, we weren’t so different.”

“You know,” I went on. “Having read both your book series, and the good doctor’s own foray into the world of, dare I say, fiction, you really are both very much alike. Both skilled in your craft, knowledgeable on ancient history, and both possessing a fierce determination. Were it not for your competing paymasters, and slight variation in motivation, I would have thought you might get along quite well.

“But speaking of you, Dr Caballeron. There is the awkward matter of where we go from here with you. While Daring was employed by museums, you were working for private collectors, often with less than pure motivations. Technically, you are looking at some serious jail time, were it not for the princesses agreeing to overlook your past indiscretions at Fluttershy’s insistence. You should consider yourself very lucky.”

I then turned back to Daring Do.

“Out of curiosity,” I asked. “What do you plan to do now that your cover is somewhat blown? The world knows now that Daring Do is a real pony.” Daring smiled.

“True,” she replied. “But that isn’t going to stop me from doing my job, or writing. The only change is that I guess my series will get moved to the non-fiction section instead. In fact, Caballeron here was talking about starting his own series, but more on the history of the artifacts and civilisations we’ve encountered over the years instead of adventuring.”

An idea came to me on that front, which could possibly help ensure a continued friendship between the former foes.

“You know, given all that has happened,” I said. “It might be an idea to consider writing something together. This little incident would certainly make for an interesting story in its own right. You might even consider working together, given how your individual skills compliment one another.”

“Now that is an interesting idea!” Caballeron agreed. “We could maybe rewrite some of your earlier works, Ms. Do, with the story now including my perspective as well.”

“Or we could start a whole new series if you fancy teaming up and working together.”

“As long as you two stay out of the Tenochititlan jungle basin, I don’t care what you do,” Ahuizotl said, folding his long arms across his chest. “Just don’t put my job on the line any more.”

Ah yes. That was the real reason we were here after all. I did my best to get things back on track.

“On that note,” I said with a nod. “We do need to start the process of recovering all the artifacts you pair have taken from the region over the years.”

“I never even really understood why you wanted them,” the guardian added.

“Well, mostly either for museums to study the various ancient civilisations, or to protect them myself from ponies who might want to misuse the more magical artifacts.”

“But that’s why I’m there in the first place,” Ahuizotl pointed out. “I mean, how many times did you find yourself almost getting killed by traps or by my minions? They’re there for a reason. You taking them just put them more at risk, never mind the issue of selling them to rich ponies looking to buy a trinket they barely understand.”

Alright, let’s simmer down a moment,” I said, stepping in to try and calm him down.

I could understand where Ahuizotl was coming from. You saw the same thing in Africa, South America and Asia in the nineteenth century. European explorers pillaged chunks of ancient Egypt and the Middle East. It wasn’t until more recently, mainly toward the end of the last century, that a lot of the items were returned, or at least re-evaluated to not be quite so scathing in their disgust toward the foreign cultures. I mean, for goodness sake, the Spaniards held onto El Negro until after the fall of Franco. That’s, just for the record, a stuffed and mounted pygmy native that they came across somewhere in central Africa. That’s right, they stole a corpse and brought it home with them to display.

“Now, I’m sure the various museums can be convinced to part with the artifacts Daring provided to them. If nothing else, it looks very bad to be holding onto the property of another civilisation when that civilisation is still going. They should agree to avoid a scandal. Although I’m sure we could at a later date discuss the possibility of some items being loaned to the museums for temporary display and study.

“As for the various collectors Caballeron sold to. That may be a little trickier. There’s the possibility that they may have been sold on again. And they may not be as willing or as moral as the museums when it comes to giving up their artifacts. However, I’m fairly certain threatening them with a charge of receiving stolen goods should be enough to convince them. If not, there are international conventions governing the trade of ancient artifacts, which Equestria is a signatory to. It will take time Ahuizotl, but we should be able to get all your items back in the end.”

And so began a rather long and protracted process of returning dozens of ancient artifacts to their proper resting place. I always did wonder why Daring was gallivanting around retrieving those artifacts. I mean, they’re surrounded by all these ancient booby traps, from poison arrows, trap doors, deadly creatures, magical constructs, and that old standby the rolling ball of death. In terms of keeping them away from ne’er do wells such Caballeron, you were better off leaving them where they were. For instance, look at that bell thing Discord’s merry band of morons tried to nab. The environment, coupled with a few magical defences was more than enough to prevent them from nabbing it, whereas they were more than able to steal a book from the supposedly secure Canterlot Archives.

But back to the matter at hand. That line of thought actually got me thinking. We hadn’t really known Ahuizotl’s motivations up until now. But I didn’t really fully understand Daring’s. Okay, I know she worked on behalf of various museums and sought to protect ancient magical artifacts from falling into the wrong hooves. But how did she know what to grab? She always seemed to be competing with Caballeron or some other baddie at the same time, looking for the same thing. Now, in a story, that made sense; you need a bad guy, and a good old fashioned race is a decent literary device. But it made little sense, and was far too much of a coincidence.

Whilst the Royal Guard were out trying to locate some of Caballeron’s more elusive clients, I got to pondering. Daring ostensibly worked alone. But from what I’d seen, she was clearly getting help from somewhere. Did she have somepony inside Caballeron’s organisation?

Of course, there was another possibility.

“Daring works for you, doesn’t she,” I said to Celestia as we sat across from each other over lunch.

“Correct,” Celestia said with a smile. “She’s been a most useful asset this past few years. I’d always thought Ahuizotl was an opportunist looking to use the remains of his ancient civilisation to cause harm to Equestria. I must confess, the idea of him being a sort of night watchman never occurred to me.”

“So Daring keeps an eye on things in the jungles for you, just as Twilight and her friends deal with major threats?” Celestia nodded.

“It never hurts to have a second line of defence,” she replied, sipping on her tea.

“Are there others?” I asked curiously. She smiled.

“Of course. I have many agents across Equestria. Twilight and her friends deal with the tip of the iceberg; the most dangerous threats. But there are plenty other out there that bear watching. I may be an alicorn, Roger, but even I cannot be everywhere at once.”

Celestia could be quite the puppet master when she wanted to be. Daring didn’t really know it, but she’d been working for Celestia, through various museums and universities, for years, quietly protecting Equestria, just as Twilight had.

“How is your little project of retrieving all the artifacts coming?” Celestia went on. “It’s quite the treasure hunt you’ve been on these past couple weeks.”

I set down my cup of tea and stretched my back out. Zecora’s little brew has been really helping, and Celestia has been kind enough to replace one of the cushions in her dining room with a proper chair. I feel like Commodore Perry though, sitting on a chair while my friends all relax on cushions.

“The museums have been more or less cooperative,” I said with a nod. “A few were a bit resistant, but the threat of the papers publishing some story about them stealing from ancient cultures brought them round quick enough. Ahuizotl has agreed to allow some of them to be loaned to museums from time to time. Daring is even helping him out with some of the temples; refitting the security and the like.”

“Send a thief to catch a thief?” Celestia replied.

“Exactly.”

“And what about the various private collectors?” I grimaced at that.

“That’s been a little more awkward,” I admitted. “The whole thing blew up into quite the investigation with the CPS. The Royal Guard have already seized around a half dozen artifacts that could be categorised as potentially dangerous. We even came across one little bauble that can supposedly stop the sun from moving. The stallion owning it was some kind of nutjob obsessed with you; wanted to bring about eternal sunshine.

“We also ran across several of Caballeron’s contacts in the criminal world. Like he said, he was more into the archaeology game for the money than anything else. So we’ve had a few picked up for receiving stolen goods and so on. A few bought them in good faith, but plenty more knew that what they buying wasn’t exactly kosher. And then there’s the problem of international trade. There’s a couple outstanding that we think may have been sent off to the Changeling Kingdom, or possibly Yakyakistan. I’ve already arranged meetings at the embassies to try and get something arranged on that front.”

“How did I ever get along without you, Roger?” Celestia asked with a grin. I smiled back. “And what about Dr. Caballeron?”

“Well,” I replied. “In light of you granting him a pardon, he seems to be doing alright for himself. He’s been more than helpful in recovering the various odds and ends he’s half-inched over the years. I guess being pulled around to the side of good and justice really got to him. You should consider just sending every villain you have to deal with to her. It’d be nice to see a nicer Chrysalis or something.”

“Fluttershy may gifted at reforming creatures,” Celestia replied with a chuckle. “But I’m not sure even she can reform her, assuming we ever catch her that is. It is strange; I’d have expected her to try and make a move by now. Although it will be much harder with the castle’s new defences.”

Inwardly, I frowned. I knew exactly why Chrysalis hadn’t shown up yet. And she was indeed making moves. And my best friend was helping her. I was once again tempted to spill the beans, but couldn’t quite bring myself to take the plunge. I did my best to remind myself of why it was necessary to keep silent, and the promise I’d made to myself to confess everything when it was all over.

“Although as I have shown,” Luna said, coming into in join us. “It is more than possible to circumvent those defences.” I was startled out of my thoughts by her arrival, but was glad for the company of the night princess.

“Luna! How goes it?” I asked. The alicorn gestured to a set of saddlebags draped across her back, which seemed to be stocked to the gills with treasure.

“I just spent the last hour recovering some of my property from Dr. Caballeron and his lackeys,” she explained. “It seemed it wasn’t just the jungles he was plundering, but our castle too at times. Really sister, I’m gone for a mere millennia and half my stuff gets looted from our old home.”

It was meant in jest, of course. It was nice to see Luna was in a place now where she could joke about her exile. She had indeed recovered quite the collection of Lunar memorabilia too. I’m sure Bones would give his horn for a pittance of it. The three of us spent the next while going over the various bits and bobs from the younger sister’s past.

But let us now look to the future. Things ended up turning out pretty well in the end. While it took some time and a lot of man and pony hours, we were able to recover all the artifacts and return them to their rightful places, guarded by Ahuizotl and the various ancient security systems. Honestly, I don’t care what fancy laser tripwire system you have, flying stone gargoyles that come to life and attack you are way more effective.

Daring Do continues to work in the service of the Crown, keeping tabs on the region, and keeping an ear to the ground in case anypony else comes up with the idea of trying to use or sell those artifacts. Her secret is out now, and A. K Yearling is no more. The world knows Daring Do is as real as anypony else, something that sent ultra fans like Fancy’s nephew Quibble Pants into a right tizzy. You can’t get more canon than real life, now can you?

Dr. Caballeron meanwhile, for obvious reasons, retired from his life of crime. Like most ponies, he wasn’t born bad, nor was he really evil. He’d just lost sight of his first love; archaeology itself. In our brief conversations, I found him to be extremely well read. He had to be I suppose, to know about all those different artifacts and how to use them. He did indeed join Daring and together they co-authored a book on their latest adventure, which I understand sold quite well, bringing the Daring Do series to a surprising conclusion. Last I heard he’d been offered a position at Baltimare University, where they have quite the prestigious archaeology department. I was somewhat surprised when I heard from Rarity of all ponies that, contrary to the expected gender split, most of his first class were females. While I never saw it myself, Caballeron apparently has quite the silver fox thing going on. Now, I always knew Daring had more than a few...odd male fans, something Daring unfortunately had to contend with in the real world, but I never figured Caballeron did. I guess mares like bad boys just as much as human women do.

And as for Ahuizotl. Well, he’s become something of an overnight sensation. I figured he’d just go back to his job of protecting ancient temples from wannabe explorers. But instead, he too threw his hat in the ring, and wrote his own book on the subject of Daring Do and her adventures. And from what I hear, it’s been selling like hot cakes.

Chapter 34 - Proposals

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We all have hopes and dreams in our lives, be they big or small, simple or complex. Me, well, I’m a pretty simple guy. I’d just like it if we could go one year without Equestria almost being destroyed. That would be nice. In contrast, Margaret’s dream is infinitely more complex, although it appears simple on the surface.

She wants grand-kids.

Bones and Lizzie were both getting towards their twenties when we ended up here, and now both are getting to that point in their lives where they would settle down and start a family. At first she expected Bones to be first, having gotten into a relationship, albeit quite an odd one, with Applejack. But after almost five years together, there’s been no sound of wedding bells, never mind kids. I think it’s partly to do with his asexuality and partly because I don’t think either of them want kids. At least not yet. So instead, she turned to Lizzie. Her relationship with Dewdrop is much younger, but that doesn’t stop my wife from hoping and eagerly waiting, never mind occasional ‘prompting’.

Still, so far, no grand-kids, and no marriage for either of them so far. Both of them seem to be at that point, but neither is ready to take the proverbial plunge.

Now, normally, this is just something that’s quietly bubbling away behind the scenes in Margaret’s mind. But every now and then, something happens to bring it to the forefront and she turns into Sunburst’s mother (by all accounts, the two are disturbingly similar, and poor Sunburst is in a similar situation, poor chap). And this time, it was to be me who accidentally set the power keg off.

It all started when I dropped by to see Bones. I always make a point of visiting the kids whenever I can, either with their mother or on my own. It’s nice to just touch base, even if they have both long since flown the nest. Plus I do like to visit Sweet Apple Acres, it gives me a chance to see Big Mac outside of Guys’ Night if nothing else. Walking up the path, I caught sight of Bones’ grey coat between the trees, along with a splash of yellow and red; he was with Apple Bloom.

Bones was never particularly good with kids back on Earth. He never was much of a kid himself, even when he was very young. But with Apple Bloom, he’s really bonding, sharing dad duties at times with Big Mac. It does make me smile seeing that, and as Rarity put it, in the eyes of many mares, it makes him ‘husband material’. And while he’s never going to outshine Big Mac in that department, I know for a fact that more than a couple of the gals in town are sweet on him. Not that he ever notices mind.

He was lying down, leaning against an apple tree, with Apple Bloom sat next to him, with Winona opposite. He was chatting with her, apparently telling her a story. And nearby, hovering the air, held in his magic, was that old Lunar Guard sabre Luna had given him for Hearth’s Warming a few years ago. As I walked up, I heard what he was saying to her.

“Oh, the Force is what gives a Jedi his power,” he was saying, in a very Sir Alec Guinness type tone. “It’s an energy field created by all living things; it surrounds us, penetrates us, and it binds the galaxy together. And if Ah’m right, this spell should let me copy their signature weapon.”

“Bones, that sword is dangerous enough as it is, never mind turning it into a laser sword,” I said. “And I don’t care how good you are with magic. Even Twilight can’t reattach severed limbs.”

“Oh, hey, Dad,” Bones said as he clocked me. “It’s not really a lightsabre. Ah’m just gonna run my magic through it. If Ah’m right, it should make the blade way tougher.”

“Ah wanna see it too,” Apple Bloom chimed in. “Bones reckons that if it works on this old sword, he can use it on other stuff like axes and ploughs. That’ll make some work on the farm a lot easier..”

Holding the sword steady, Bones powered up his magic. His signature dark blue aura was currently only surrounding the handle. Actually, now that I have a moment, why do ponies even have swords that are designed for use by beings with fingers and opposable thumbs? Anyway, concentrating, he pushed some of his magic into the blade. There was a humming sound for a moment and then, with the easily recognisable sound, the sabre ignited. A blue beam, much lighter in colour than his aura ran up along the swords length and continued to emit that same low hum, which changed tone and pitch as Bones slowly moved it around.

“An elegant weapon, from a more civilised age,” he said to himself with a smile.

After a moment, he powered down his new spell again and the sword returned to its normal state.

“So, what brings ya down here anyway?” he asked me, pushing his stetson back a little on his head.

“What? I can’t drop in to see my own son from time to time?” I asked with mock offence. Bones smiled.

“Sure,” he replied. “AB and Ah were just about to head back for lunch anyhow. Y’all are welcome to join us.”

“Thanks,” I replied.

And so the three of us headed up to the farmhouse. On the way, Bones explained that Applejack had spent most of the morning tinkering with the cider press, which was acting up, while Big Mac had been busy ploughing one of the fields. Bones had been working on one of his many little projects as part of his new role at Twilight’s school. After Cozy’s arrest, he was brought on as something of an associate professor. He gets to use the school’s resources for his own experiments, including his interest in dark magic, and takes a few lessons off of his marefriend too. He’d gone out to clear his head and been joined by AB and Winona, the latter of whom was now excitedly bounding around us, and I’d arrived just as he came to test his theory.

The three of us headed back along the path and soon found ourselves back at the farmhouse. Leading us in through the back door, we found ourselves in the kitchen. The other members of the Apple family were already here. Granny Smith, the ancient Apple matriarch, was putting the finishing touches on lunch, while Applejack and her older brother were both sat at the table. Big Mac looked a little uneasy as we walked in, his eyes darting about nervously.

“Mind settin’ another place, Granny?” Bones asked as he walked in. “Dad’s stopped by to say hi.” Granny Smith turned from the stove and smiled up at me.

“Well sure,” she said obligingly. “There’s plenty of vittles to go around Ah reckon. Nice to see ya again, Roger.”

“You too, Granny,” I replied.

I used to call her Mrs. Smith when we were first introduced, but she much prefers if everypony calls her Granny. I always wonder if, given that she shares her name with a variety of apples, if that was always her name. Must have been an interesting childhood growing up as Granny. But hey, pony names can be weird. They don’t seem to really have family names, or any real naming conventions like humans do. It’s one of the few things that set our two societies apart.

Sitting at the table was a bit of a faff, given that I had to make do with the pony sized table. Then again, it was good enough for Big Mac, who’s about my height if he gets up on his hind legs.

After we were all settled, Granny served the meal and we all began to chat amongst ourselves. Bones quickly found himself monopolised by Apple Bloom who proceeded to grill him heavily on Star Wars mythos, leaving the rest of the Apples and myself to talk.

“So how have things been going then here on Sweet Apple Acres?” I asked them all. “Bones was telling me you were having a spot of bother with the cider press, Applejack.” Applejack nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, the darn thing’s been real finicky ever since that whole business with Flim and Flam the first time round. We really pushed it hard to outpace those varmits. Still, Ah reckon Ah’ll have it runnin’ in time for cider season.”

And how about you, Big Mac?” I asked, turning to my fellow O&O player. “How goes ploughing?” Big Mac now looked up with a start.

“Oh...erm...” he said, going a shade of red under his already fairly red coat. “Ahm almost halfway done Ah think.”

“Macintosh Apple!” Granny Smith chided. “Y’all have been going at that there field all mornin’. How can ya still not be done?”

“Sorry, Granny,” he said apologetically. “Ah’ve been workin’ on some other stuff as well.”

“It wouldn’t have anythin’ to do with Sugar Belle bein’ in town, now would it?” Apple Bloom asked, leaping on the opportunity to tease her big brother.

“Nnope!” he said quite unconvincingly. He’s almost as bad a liar as his sister.

“C’mon, Mac,” Bones said, jumping on the bandwagon. “Ah’ve seen her round town the last couple of days. You guys goin’ on another date?” Mac’s blush intensified. Luckily, Applejack was there to play peacemaker.

“Oh, stop teasin’ the poor feller, the both of ya,” she said in a faux stern voice. “Ain’t none of your business.”

After that, the conversation returned to more neutral topics. I filled Bones in on a couple of cases he was curious about, the coming and goings in Canterlot Castle, and how Lizzie and his mum were keeping.

After an excellent lunch with the Apples, I prepared to head back home to catch up on a few files that needed sorting over the weekend. Blueblood had just gotten his name back on the Civil List and seemed to have been quite humbled by the experience, and there was still that ongoing investigation into the break-in at the castle archives. However, before I headed off, while AJ and Bones headed out to make a start on applebucking their way through the north orchard (take from that what you will), and Apple Bloom trotted off to meet up with her friends at their clubhouse to see a new client, Big Mac came up to me for a word as I stepped out into the farmyard.

“Hey, Roger,” he said in that low baritone of his. “Can Ah see ya for a minute?” I smiled down at my friend.

“Sure, Mac. What’s up?” I asked.

The red stallion gestured for me to follow him and led me around to the other side of the barn; away from prying eyes. We were both standing in the shadow of the large building, and this whole side of the farm seemed noticeably quieter. Mac looked around conspiratorially before explaining himself.

“It’s about Sugar Belle,” he said. “Ah’m gonna ask her to marry me.”

“Mac! That’s great!” I said with a grin, giving him a solid pat on the back. “Margaret always said you two were good together.” Mac however, was a bit more hesitant.

“It’s just that...well, ya know Ah don’t talk much,” he went on. I shrugged my shoulders.

“Nothing wrong with that,” I replied. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool and all that.”

Mac is very careful with his words, although I’m told he used to wax quite lyrical back in the day when he was a younger colt, and that given how that often got him into trouble, he’s now much more reticent. Having said that though, a lot of the mares, who would no doubt soon go into a state of mourning when they heard the news, like the strong silent type.

“Ah just want to show her how much she means to me,” Mac continued. “If Ah’m gonna propose to her, Ah want it to be real special, and Ah’m havin’ a real hard time comin’ up with the right ideas. Shoot, Ah can’t even find her a nice ring.”

It saddened me a little to see him down like that. I tell you, if he got down on one knee to Sugar Belle, there’s a snowball’s chance in Hell that she’d say no. I mean, okay, I don’t know exactly what women want, but I do know that Mac ticks most of the boxes in both the physical and emotional departments. His only fault really is that he can sometimes be real stubborn, like any of the Apples, and sometimes has a hard time sharing his own feelings and troubles. But when you consider that Princess Luna and Princess Celestia have both ‘noticed’ him when they visited Ponyville, you know he’s far from ugly. And as I said, it’s not just looks either. Everypony knows him to be kind, gentle, dependable, and good with kids. Just like Bones, Rarity has marked Big Mac as ‘husband material’.

“Well then,” I said. “How about your best mate helps you out with that? Call it an early wedding present.”

I find it a little odd that ponies also practice the tradition of engagement rings. While I suppose it makes sense for unicorns, it doesn’t really work for other species, given their lack of anything resembling fingers. Sure t makes sense to have something to symbolise the engagement and marriage, but it has always puzzled me why that more human tradition has been exactly copied in Equestria.

Still, it is a rite of passage for all bachelors to go through; purchasing a ring for the women they hope to marry. I’d been there myself when it came to Margaret. I’d first met her when I was barely scraping by working as a driver for the store, and while we might have fallen in love then, neither of us were considering marriage until much later, for financial reasons if nothing else. Margaret was studying to be a teacher, and was going back to school myself to study law. It wasn’t until I’d graduated and was working my first job as a solicitor, though long before I was a partner in my own firm, that I considered asking her to marry me. For one thing, I needed the extra money to be able to buy her a decent ring. Thank you very much De Beers for artificially creating scarcity in the diamond market.

I’d spent months saving up enough cash, and almost as long looking to find the right cut, the right ring, the right stone, for the woman I wanted to marry. I know, at the end of the day, it’s just a thing, but I wanted to put some effort into it and ensure I got her the perfect ring.

It was very much the same for Big Mac. The stallion is a firm believer in the notion that actions speak louder than words. And while he wasn’t looking to wow Sugar Belle with a fancy diamond and gold ring, he was looking to get something that would be special to her. He also wanted the proposal itself to be special. It would be in private of course. He’s both a fairly private pony himself, and he knows that Sugar Belle wouldn’t want to be put on the spot like that in public. But he wanted it to be truly special and memorable.

And so the two of us headed off to the local jewellers; just up the road from Doc Hooves’ shop. There’s a modest shop in Ponyville that deals mostly in gems. Rarity buys from there a fair bit, using gems to accentuate her latests designs, as well as selling the surplus that she finds when she goes gem hunting with Spike. The little dragon himself is also a fairly regular customer, although he treats it more like going to the grocery store than anything else, given that dragons primary diet is gems. But aside from those, he also sold earrings and rings, as well as bracelets.

Heading inside, the small bell above the door chimed softly. The owner was out back at the moment, inspecting his newest intake, but there was plenty on show in the display cases. So the two of us started browsing.

It was actually a lot tougher than you might expect. While diamonds were reasonably common on Earth, they were typically small little things. In Equestria, it’s perfectly common to come across sapphires and diamonds the size of your fist. I’m sure if De Beers showed this place their finest wares, he be decidedly unimpressed. For Celestia’s sake, most of the little trinkets on display here would put even the famed Koh-i-Noor to shame. Mac was right when he lamented the commonality of precious stones. Aside from being used in fashion and as food for dragons, lesser stones can even be used as pocket change. More than once I’ve tipped a cabbie with a gem or two rather than bits.

The upshot was that, despite the fairly impressive range on offer for a jewellery store out in the sticks, there wasn’t anything that leapt out at Mac, nothing that would be good enough for Sugar Belle. While there were plenty of beautiful gems on show, he could not find the right one. I too had been on an equally difficult search to find the right stone for Margaret all those years ago. Leaving the store, we tried to come up with other ideas.

“How about this,” I suggested. “I’ve got a free tomorrow. How about the two of us head up to Canterlot. My tailor, Elusive, knows almost as much about gems as he does suits. He might be able to give us a line on something.” Mac was about to reply, when we were joined by somepony else.

“Yeah, you could do that,” Pinkie Pie said, seeming to just materialise between us. “Or you could go and ask Maude. She knows more about minerals and precious stones than almost anypony I know.”

“Pinkie!” I exclaimed in fright. “Where the devil did you come from?” The pink earth pony looked nonplussed.

“Sugarcube Corner’s just over there,” she replied, pointing to the bakery. “I’m on break!” She beamed at us both excitably.

“So when are you going to ask Sugar Belle, Big Mac?” she asked. Mac’s eyes went wide in fright.

“How the...” he exclaimed, but Pinkie cut him off.

“Oh, right. I’m not supposed to know about that yet, am I?” she whispered conspiratorially. “Don’t worry Big Mac, you’re secret is safe with me.”

I suppose I should add that Pinkie once had to keep the fact that Cadence was pregnant during the scavenger hunt she and Shining took Twilight on. Pinkie Pie almost went bananas...well, more bananas, from keeping quiet. Still, there was little to be done about it now. On the flip side, she did make a good suggestion.

Pinkie’s big sister Maud, while a little odd at a first glance, is the mineral expert. Growing up with Pinkie, Limestone, Marble and her parents on their rock farm (which is an actual thing, quite separate from mining), she’d gone to college and gained her PhD in the subject. Not long after, she’d moved to Ponyville, setting up shop in a large cavern that is absolutely stock to the gills with all sorts of minerals for her to study and catalogue. She now lives there, along with feller, the deeply irritating and pedantic Mud Briar.

“Pinkie does make a good point Mac,” I conceded. “If there’s anypony who can help you find and craft the right stone for Sugar Belle’s engagement ring, it’d be her.”

“Eeyup,” Mac agreed with a nod.

“Well,” Pinkie said with a satisfied air. “My work here is done. Onward to the next mildly interesting story that needs my presence to move the narrative forward!” And with that, she bounced off.

Like everypony else in Ponyville, I’ve learn to just accept that Pinkie Pie is Pinkie Pie, and leave it at that.

Maud’s cavern as I’ll call it wasn’t too far from where that damned dangerous mirror pool was. You step into that thing and you create a clone of yourself. Twilight had the place sealed up after Pinkie found her way in there and used it a few hundred times. I just thank God that we didn’t find ourselves in Equestria until about eight months later. I don’t think I could stay sane around so many Pinkie Pies.

Luckily, Maud is a great deal more sensible and is far more interested in the rock formations in the caves than dangerous magical anomalies. While she doesn’t exactly welcome guests with open arms, she isn’t anti-social either, and is always willing to offer help and advice when she can, particularly when it comes to the subject of, and I’m not joking here, her rocktorate. Descending down into the gem cave, we both peered around in the dim light, looking for the mare.

“Maud?” I called out, my voice echoing in the open chamber. “Are you about? It’s Roger and Big Macintosh.”

There was some sounds from deeper in the cave, in what I guess is Maud’s workshop or study. A few moments later, the mare herself appeared. She’s got a coat colour similar to Bones, although it’s mostly hidden under the navy blue tunic she wears, while her mane is a light lilac done in bangs not too dissimilar to Twilight. Spotting us on the stairs, she regarded us with the same look of mild disinterest a cat might give to its owner who has lavished attention and affection on it for years.

“Hello, Roger. Hello, Big Mac,” she said in that slightly unsettling monotone of hers. “Come in, please. It’s always nice to have visitors. I don’t get many living so far away from Ponyville.”

Nothing against Maud, but I was really looking for the exits now. It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if she turned out to be a serial killer. I’m joking of course. She takes some getting used to, but I could just make out the friendly demeanour in her greeting. I quickly explained the reason for our visit, bringing her in on the secret.

“Big Mac’s planning to propose to Sugar Belle, and we’re trying to find a decent diamond for the wedding ring. I thought you might be able to give us some help.” Maud blinked slowly in a very cat like way.

“I have plenty of diamonds that I’m currently studying,” she said serenely. “Most are uncut though. I can easily arrange something for you though, depending on the type of cut and clarity you’re looking for.”

Maud led us over to a small workbench she had set up, covered in enough scientific equipment to make Twilight take notice. There were several fairly small diamonds and other precious stones undergoing examination. Maud showed Mac several cuts of diamonds, but there was one thing that bothered him.

“Ah want this diamond to show Sugar Belle how much Ah care about her,” he said to Maud. “It seems mighty unfair to give her one that’s been cut and re-cut so many times in its life.”

“Big Macintosh,” Maud said, with a vague undertone of annoyance. “The average diamond is older that Equestria, and even pony civilisation as we know it. You can’t just have ‘new diamond’. They are all still just carbon, and need to undergo years of heat and compression.”

That was when an idea came to me. Many moons ago, in the aftermath of Starlight little sojourn across time and space, I’d gone down to visit Sombra for what I had at the point thought was the last time. For a change, Celestia had joined me, and, after a brief verbal sparring match, she had goaded Sombra into losing his cool. At that point, he didn’t have access to his magic, and the only thing he could do was throw rocks from his cell at her. I remember quite vividly how she grabbed one of these, aimed at her head, in her magic, and using her alicorn magic, had compressed it into a diamond in a matter of moments as a display of her power.

Well, if Mac wanted a new diamond, that would be cut especially for Sugar Belle, perhaps my employer might be able to lend a hoof. I floated the idea to Maud.

“If I could lay my hands on a new, uncut diamond, would you be willing to work on it for, Mac?”

“Of course,” Maud replied with a slow nod, her more friendly, neutral tone returning. “I’d be happy to help. You can take this too if you like.”

She passed Mac a beautiful looking geode. The both of us marvelled at the sight.

“Consider this my own early wedding present,” she added with a small smile.

And so, the next day, I headed up to Canterlot as usual, but with a very unusual request. The morning was fairly quiet for a change, with not too many petitioners coming up to the castle, giving Celestia a chance to catch up on her own work as well. Remember, just like Twilight, she has her own school to look after, and occasionally teach at. I went over a few files ,but there was nothing really major on the books. As such, when lunch rolled around and Celestia stopped by to invite me to join her and Luna for our usual session of Mornington Crescent, I decided to put my request to her.

“Say, Tia,” I said, as the two of us walked side by side along the corridor to her dining room. “Any chance I could ask you a favour?” Celestia turned to me with a maternal smile.

“Of course, Roger,” she replied kindly. “You know I’m always happy to help a friend.” Time to bring her in on the secret. Well, one of them at any rate. I still felt like such a cad for keeping quiet about the Tree and Discord’s mind bogglingly stupid plan.

“It’s about Big Mac; Applejack’s brother.” Celestia nodded.

“Ah yes,” she said, a gleam coming into her eye. Apparently not even Celestia is immune to Big Mac’s...shall we say allure. “What of him?”

“Well, he’s planning on asking his girlfriend to marry him,” I began. However a moment later, I realised the steady beat of Celestia’s ornate horseshoes had stopped. Turning around, I found that Celestia had suddenly stopped where she was. She seemed to be rooted to the spot.

“Er, Tia?” I asked curiously. It was a little perplexing to see the alicorn frozen in place like that. A moment later, she moved again, her princess mask slipping, replaced by a look of deep irritation.

“Dammit, I knew I’d waited too long,” she muttered to herself before turning her attention back to me. “Sorry, Roger. Yes, you were saying?” I’ve dug into my boss’ love life enough as it is, so I decided not to press her on what just happened.

“Well,” I went on. “I’ve offered to help him out with the engagement ring, and we’ve been having a hell of a time trying to find the right stone. Pinkie’s sister Maud is willing to cut a stone for him, but Mac wants to have it all done special for Sugar Belle. Remember the last time you were in Tartarus?”

I specifically avoided mentioning Sombra’s name so as not to drag up too many bad memories. After all, that was the last time the two met before his ‘death’. I was honestly dreading that part of the story the most; telling her that mockery of her lost love was still alive. Celestia however, seemed more interested in where I was going with this and nodded.

“Well, I remembered how you used your magic to turn that rock into a diamond in a few moments.”

“Perks of being the pony who moved the sun,” she replied with a grin. “I take it you’d like me to produce a new diamond for Big Macintosh?” I smiled back.

“I thought you said you couldn’t read minds?” I said jokingly. Celestia laughed.

“Let’s have lunch and play the next round of the game,” Celestia suggested. “And I’ll do it before I head back to court.”

And so, after lunch and our concluding session of Mornington Crescent, which I won for a change, Celestia turned her attention to my little request. The alicorn briefly teleported down to the crystal caverns underneath Canterlot, returning a moment later with a lump of rock. It didn’t look particularly different to any other stone. But with a little bit of alicorn magic, it would soon be something quite different. Holding the small rock, which about the size of Boulder, Maud’s pet rock, in her magic, Celestia focused and powered up her horn.

“You might want to shield your eyes, Roger,” she cautioned. I remembered the last time I saw this it was really flipping bright.

Focussing on the rock, Celestia first created a bubble around it, using her magic to heat up the air inside. In a matter of moments, the rock was glowing white hot, almost turning to liquid. Raising my hand, I did my best to shield my eyes from the glare, and I had to take a step back due to the heat. Celestia however, seemed unaffected.

She then began to make the sphere surrounding all this incrementally smaller, applying more and more pressure, thereby creating the same conditions that you’d find deep under the planet’s surface. Obviously, it would normally take a long time for the atoms to coalesce in the way they needed to, forming the necessary geometric patterns and sharing the right number of atoms. But in this case, the process was accelerated by Celestia’s magic.

Eventually, the heat and light began to die away and I was able to lower my hand and see what Celestia had done. Where there had once been a lump of rock about the size of my fist, there was now a much smaller, and very beautiful, diamond. Steam was still coming off it as Celestia set it down, allowing it to cool after the intense process. It shone and sparkled magnificently; a flawless clear diamond.

“Did I ever tell you you’re amazing, Tia?” I asked, my voice hushed. Celestia smiled softly.

“Once or twice, yes,” she replied. “I take it then that this is satisfactory?”

Satisfactory would be the understatement of the century. This was no small favour on her part. It had clearly taken a fair amount of her magic to pull off, and she’d done it simply because I asked, neither expecting nor demanding anything in return. Thanking my friend for her kindness, I carefully took the diamond and deposited it in the pocket inside my jacket for safe keeping.

And the rest, as they say, is history. After finishing work for the day, I returned to Ponyville by train and stopped by Maud’s place on my way home. I gave her the as yet uncut diamond, which more than impressed her. According to Pinkie and that annoying twit Mud Briar, she spent the next few hours studying the mineral, before slowly fashioning it into something suitable for an engagement ring.

Mac had a brilliant and wonderfully romantic plan for how to propose to Sugar Belle. Somewhat reverting to stereotype, the gentle giant is a big softie really and devised a clever way to slowly lead Sugar Belle to a small hill, overlooking Sweet Apple Acres at sunset, where he would propose to her. No grand gestures, no big party and reveal, just the two lovebirds. It was all going to be perfect.

Of course, that was before my psychotic best friend got involved. Discord is good friends with Big Mac too. Mac told him on the day that he was going to propose to Sugar Belle. Of course, Discord trumpeted this all across Equestria. Fortunately, Sugar Belle didn’t get wind of things, but dozens more mares, including both princesses went into an odd state of mourning, as Big Macintosh appeared to be disappearing off the market. Mac forgot the old iron rule of Karl von Clausewitz; ‘no battle plan ever survives first contact with the enemy’.

His plan was to have several apples, with little riddles written on notes attached to the stems, scattered around Ponyville. These would lead Sugar Belle through town and eventually to Big Mac, who would be waiting on Sweet Apple Acres. But due to a series of unfortunate events, Sugar Belle missed the first apple. Discord, trying to be helpful, for a given value of helpful mind, used his magic to send them to where they were supposed to go. This, naturally, involved bringing them to life and turning them into creepy talking abominations, which fused together when they touched.

Long story short, we ended up with a gigantic apple based monstrosity bellowing out a mixture of love poetry and Big Mac’s most important question for all of Ponyville, including Sugar Belle, to hear.

But, as in all good love stories, all was not lost. While Big Mac was despondent over his failure to make the perfect proposal, Sugar Belle was far more understanding. She was able to see the funny side, and it would eventually become one of those moments they looked back on fondly with laughter. The key though; she said yes!

Big Mac was over the moon.

The engagement itself was reasonably short. The pair had been courting for over a year by this point. They decided to get married in the same place Bright Mac and Pear Butter had tied the knot, which was now marked by the fascinating intertwined tree, that symbolised their immortal bond. Mayor Mare, as the local justice of the peace, oversaw the proceedings, and I was honoured to be the Best Man. That job was originally going to be offered to a certain Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony, but Mac wasn’t quite ready to forgive his friend yet for his cock up.

It was a wonderful ceremony that moved even the usually stoic Bones. I caught him once or twice dabbing his eyes with a handkerchief.

Speaking of Bones though, allow me to return to my original point when I started this little musing. The wedding had the added effect of reminding my wife that she wanted grand children sooner rather than later. And well...Bones happened to be in the line of fire. He’s been dating, cohabiting, courting, or whatever you call it at this point, with Applejack for the better part of three or four years. It took them both long enough to admit they liked each other, but we’d all expected to hear something about marriage by this point. And now Big Mac had come along and done in just over a year what Bones hadn’t in four.

I did honestly wonder what the hesitation was. The pair clearly loved each other, even if Bones wasn’t necessarily ‘physical’ with Applejack. And it wasn’t like money was an issue. While the Apples aren’t rich by any stretch of the imagination, they live comfortably enough, particularly as they own the land their farm is built on; another gift from Princess Celestia long ago. As the party was winding down, I decided to go and have a bit of a chin wag with my son.

“Always nice to see a wedding, eh, Bones?” I said as I walked up.

He’d been standing a little ways off on his own, looking up at the large twisted tree, pondering as he often does.

“Sure is,” he agreed looking up at me. “Although Granny Smith is already pesterin’ Big Mac about great grand foals.” I let out a laugh at that.

“Well, your mother’s no different,” I replied, causing Bones to chuckle in response.

A comfortable silence held for a moment. Around us, the party was in full swing. Big Mac and Sugar Belle were dancing to some soft romantic number as the guests all looked on. You have to give him credit, Mac sure can dance well for someone of his size.

“You ever think about it?” I offered. “Tying the knot I mean.” Bones thought for a few moment before speaking.

“Ah thought about it, sure,” he replied. “Me and AJ have talked about it a few times.” He trailed off at that.

“And?” I prompted. Bones shrugged.

“Just that,” he said. “Why?” Now I shrugged.

“I always figured you two would be getting hitched before too long, that’s all,” I answered. “Whatever else I might say, I know you two have something very special.”

“All things in their own good time,” Bones replied in a philosophical tone. “To tell ya the truth though, this has got me thinkin’ if it might be time. Shoot, we’ve been together so long, at this point it feels like we are married.”

“Do I hear wedding bells then?” I asked with a grin. Bones chuckled.

“Maybe,” he admitted.

With that, the two of us returned to the party at large. Sugar Belle was just about to partake in one of a few traditions that crossed over between humans and ponies as she hurled the bouquet behind her with her magic.

Would you believe me if I said Pinkie of all ponies caught it?

Chapter 35 - Die Wacht am Nacht

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Officially, there is no such organisation as SMILE. That’s the Secret Monster Intelligence League of Equestria. It has never existed, and any suggestion of there being such an organisation has always been dismissed by the government and the princesses as preposterous rumour. There are no records of such an organisation; no employees, no infrastructure, not a single shred of evidence to even suggest the group might be real.

Well, that’s because they’re very good at their job.

SMILE does indeed exist, and in the last few years has been quite busy. It’s the closest thing Equestria has to an intelligence service such as Five, Six, or Cheltenham. Created in secret by royal decree, the organisation works to defend Equestria from all types on enemies, foreign and domestic. They’re primarily focused on dangerous creatures and ensure they don’t become a threat to citizens. Their most recent escapade involved a bugbear that was terrorising Ponyville a few years ago. Beyond that, the organisation works also as a sort of men in black type group; dealing with unknown phenomena. When Doc Hooves, as he calls himself now, inadvertently brought one ponified Captain Jack Harkness to Equestria, both were quickly recruited into their ranks. They are the watchdogs as it were. Twilight and her friends deal with direct threats. SMILE deals with them before they have a chance to, and you’ll never know they were there.

I was brought in on the organisation’s existence quite by accident. Even with my senior position, I was not privy to SMILE’s existence. It was only when Cranky and Matilda got married, and that same bugbear rocked up, that I discovered one of my neighbours was herself an agent of the mysterious organisation. Bon Bon was nothing but a cover identity for Agent Sweetie Drops. The mare went on to play a small part in stopping the beastie. As a result, the following day, I found myself brought before Celestia and sworn to secrecy, pledging on pain of death that I would not breathe a word of what I knew.

The upside of that though, was that I was able to, on occasion, assist SMILE in their operations. You’ll remember earlier, when Thorax was first admitted to the Crystal Empire (God that seems like such a long time ago), that I considered using him as a way to draw out his older brother, the head of the changeling military, and for SMILE to get involved in your classic black bag operation.

Still, it was a rare thing that I ever came into contact with them. I certainly didn’t get any reports from them. I even heard rumours that the group had been disbanded, given how they seemed to have filled up all of Tartarus with all manner of dangerous creatures of late. That however, was about to change, and I would soon find myself pulled into a world few even know about, never mind get to see.

It all started late one evening. It had been something of a long day. The last case had run on far longer that Celestia or I were expecting ,to the point that Luna was waiting outside the throne room, tapping her hoof as she waited in irritation. It wasn’t even that interesting a case, just your nice run of the mill criminal number. I’d finally finished up and had headed back to my office. I decided to do the report tonight, and take the later train home, so that I could at least start tomorrow fresh.

Walking into my office, I found the lights had been turned off. With the fading light, I’d left them on when I went down to the throne room. If my office has one design flaw, it’s that the light is suited for ponies. So walking in in the dark means I have to grope around on the wall to find the switch.

Abandoning the idea, I resolved to just use the lamp on my desk. After all, I wouldn’t be here too long, and there was just enough moonlight coming through the windows to see by. I’d just sat down at my desk when the door to my office suddenly closed with a thud. I was on my feet in an instant. Flipping the shade of my desk lamp so that illuminated the rest of the room.

“Easy there, Mr. Owen,” a voice said reassuringly. “If I’d wanted you dead, you wouldn’t have made it through the door.”

Standing there, having apparently concealed himself in the recess behind the door, was a stallion approaching middle age, with a faded grey mane. This was Furlong, the head of SMILE as far as I understood. He was certainly the most senior figure I’d come across, being responsible for dozens of agents embedded all over Equestria.

“What do you want, Furlong?” I asked crossly.

As much as SMILE might serve a purpose, that didn’t mean I liked them. Given my former occupation, I’ve never entirely trusted the security services or spies in general. Furlong and his boys operated without oversight. For the good of Equestria, of course. Everything they did was covered under DORA; the Defence of the Realm Act, and it effectively gave them a blank cheque. Fifth Freedom as one American put it. While I knew of their existence and their purpose, that didn’t mean I was ever privy to their plans. And I don’t much like that.

Furlong however, remained impassive, only giving me a small smile. What he said next through surprised me.

“I need your help,” he replied.

That was unusual. SMILE has plenty of agents out there aside from Bon Bon. Hell, I happen to know that they’ve even, indirectly, worked with Twilight and her friends, albeit without the latter knowing SMILE was involved. They have plenty of ponies better qualified than me. So what was Furlong here then?

“Me? Why?” I asked, now more curious. Furlong now turned serious.

“I won’t beat around the bush,” he said in that Trottingham accent of his. “There’s a threat to the princesses.” That got my attention. Had they found out about ‘Grogar’? “Their decision to abdicate and turn the throne over to Twilight Sparkle is not sitting well with everypony.”

That was nothing new. While it was a very small minority, some ponies weren’t happy with the idea of the two sisters stepping down, either because they thought Twilight wasn’t a suitable replacement or, in the case of the more paranoid, because they believed the princesses were being forced out somehow. It was a load of hogwash, but was still something of a concern. As the date of the coronation drew nearer, I was having to deal with more and more petitions to legally block the transition of power.

“That’s no secret,” I replied. “The Royal Guard has looked into all the ponies who’ve made threats, and they’ve all come up as non-credible.”

“It’s not just that,” Furlong went on. “There’s a big target out there; something in the shadows. We’re seeing a serious shift in things. The bond between the three tribes is being harmed by it. I’m sure you’ve noticed that too.”

He was right. It was subtle, but I had of late, noticed an odd change in Canterlot society. You see, each of the three tribes has their part to play. Earth ponies farm, pegasi control the weather, and unicorns use their magic for knowledge and defence. Each one works in harmony together, in balance; a relationship that goes all the way back to the first Hearth’s Warming Eve, which saw the Windigoes banished and let the new nation flourish. Recently though, there’d been some tension, particularly here in Canterlot. It’s like each tribe was slowly beginning to become distrustful of the others. And for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why.

“In any case,” Furlong surmised. “We need to identify and contain this threat, whatever it may be.”

“You still haven’t told me how this involves me, Furlong,” I replied.

“We believe that there is a plot within the ranks of the Royal Guard,” he said bluntly. “Specifically, the Lunar Guard section.”

“Bullshit,” I shot back. “Their loyalty and devotion to their princess is beyond question.”

“Exactly,” Furlong replied. “And that devotion is threatening to spill over into something dangerous in order to preserve Princess Luna’s place as Princess of the Night. One of our embedded agents has reported that a group of high ranking officers are plotting something to try and stop the change in management.”

“So deal with it,” I countered. “Tell the princesses and the senior leadership in the Guard.”

“It’s not that simple. We don’t know how high up this goes,” furlong warned. “To make accusations now might just cause the conspirators to go dormant. Our man got too close to their operation, and he was transferred out to the Badlands by somepony in authority. We believe this is the pony behind the plot. We want you to identify him and his confederates.” I glared across the desk at him.

“I’m a legal advisor. I don’t work for spooks like you. Find somepony else.”

“You’re the only pony...” Furlong caught himself. “The only human, in a position to get close enough to all this. Inserting another agent would take months of work; time we don’t have.”

I considered his argument. He was right, as much as I hated to admit it. Assuming he was correct, and there was indeed some sort of plot or coup in the works, then we did need to stop it sooner rather than later. At the same time though, this would be yet another secret I’d be keeping from my friends. A man can only keep so many secrets, and my knowledge about Grogar was putting me at my limit.

More to the point, I never entirely trusted SMILE or Furlong. They claimed to always put Equestria first, and did all they could to protect ponies and the country. But then again, they did this by very un-Equestrian methods.

Still, if there was a threat to the princesses. I would be a poor friend and a poor subject, if I didn’t try to stop it.

“Fine,” I said. “But when this is over, we go by the book. If there are any traitors, they will be dealt with. I won’t have them disappeared off to Tartarus.” Furlong nodded.

“I can accept that,” he said. “You’ll find me staying at the Equestrian Imperial Hotel in the city. Room 899. When you have a lead, come find me there.”

With that, he prepared to leave, presumably by the same way he got in. I guess Shining’s security measures weren’t entirely perfect. I decided to take one last parting shot at Furlong.

“You look pretty good for a dead pony by the way, Furlong.”

He smiled at that, and as he left, proved he was still one step ahead of me.

“For God and Ulster, Mr. Owen,” he said.

And with that, he left, leaving me startled and wondering just how he found out about my days in the UVF.

So I had myself a new job. I found myself suddenly pulled into the word’s second oldest profession, which is just as honourable as the first. But if there was indeed some sort of plot within the Lunar Guard, then it needed to be exposed. It just plain sucked though that I couldn’t yet bring it to Luna or Celestia’s attention. Still, if all went well, I could present them with a fait accompli, warning them of the potential threat and presenting the conspirators.

Still, finding out about any of this would be no easy task. I’m quite close with a few guys in the Lunar Guard, both officers and enlisted men, so I decided that that would be a good place to start. Whenever I got the chance, I’d have a friendly chat with them ,as I often do when I find myself wandering around the castle. In the course of that, I’d dangle a line for them. I’d make some passing comment about how the transition made me uneasy and see how they reacted. For the most part, I got nothing. It wasn’t until I was talking with a young corporal named Moon Beam that I got a lead.

“I just find it a little quick, that’s all,” I was saying to him as we chatted in the empty corridor. I was on my way back to my office when I’d run into him, posted outside the library. “I’m sure one day Princess Twilight will make a fine leader. But now she’s little more than a filly.”

“I know what you mean, sir,” Moon Beam agreed. “I’ve been in the guard a lot of years, and I never thought the princesses would consider stepping down like this. If it was something they’d raised a while ago, okay, sure. But the way they just sprang it on everypony. Hay, if it wasn’t for Sombra returning, they would have done it already, with barely a week’s notice. It just makes no sense.”

“And as I recall, it was just Princess Celestia who said they were stepping down. It was almost like Princess Luna wasn’t even involved,” I pressed carefully.

“That’s made more than a few ponies suspicious,” Moon beam agreed with a nod. “Only trouble is, any kind of questioning, or suggesting a postponement puts you at risk of getting done for spreading dissension.”

“You think something’s off though,” I persisted. Moon Beam nodded.

“Something stinks,” he replied. “I remember being on duty when that changeling interloper was pretending to be the princess. This feels just like that, only we can’t do anything to expose it.”

“We?” I asked. Moon Beam looked around for a moment and gestured for me to come closer. He whispered in my ear.

“There’s a lot of us in the Lunar Guard who feel the same way. Several of the senior officers are trying to come up with a plan to expose whatever is going on. I trust you, Mr. Owen, and we could use your help.”

How so?” I asked, keeping my voice low.

“You’re close with both of the princesses,” he explained. “Luna forbid, but if it becomes necessary to make a move, you would be in a great position to help, being at their side so often.”

“You’re talking mutiny, Moon Beam!” I warned, making sure to avoid looking too eager.

“To protect the princesses and Equestria,” he replied. “This isn’t right! The diarchy must be preserved!”

“So what, you plan to disobey the princesses to protect them?”

“Assuming they are the princesses,” he answered. “We’re guards, it’s our duty to protect them, from themselves if need be.”

Inside, I was appalled at what I was hearing. I’d always thought Moon Beam to be a good lad, with the potential to be an officer some day. But to hear that he, and several others were actually planning some sort of coup….I wanted to punch his lights out. Still, I had a job. I had my opening and took the plunge.

“Alright,” I said carefully. “I’ll do what I can to help.” Moon Beam smiled and nodded.

“Good,” he said. “There’s going to be a meeting tonight in the Officers’ Mess. Come along and we’ll bring you up to speed.”

And so, that evening, I found myself in the Officers’ Mess. This was where the officers of the guard spent their free time and had their meals. It also made for a convenient meeting place. I ran into Moon Beam there, who lead me inside. There were six other guards there; two private, a corporal, a sergeant and two lieutenants, all dressed in the dark blue armour of the Lunar Guard.

Moon Beam introduced me to the head honcho; a Lieutenant Noctus. He outlined the situation as it stood.

“First of all, I want to thank you all for attending this meeting. You’re putting your careers and your freedom on the line. And we all know that the rest of the Guard is already getting suspicious if that Corporal Sparrow is anything to go by.” I assumed that was SMILE’s agent. “We were lucky I was able to get him transferred out before he could blab anything. If he does talk, it can be dismissed as him being bitter about getting transferred out of the castle.

“Now, to business. We must prevent the abdication of Princess Luna, and ensure that Twilight Sparkle does not ascend to the throne. While she is a fine pony, she is not fit to rule this kingdom, much less be a steward of the night. That role falls to our princess, and her alone. I know this is dark business, but we are not doing anything wrong here. We are protecting Equestria, as we were trained to. This transition of power is already affecting Equestria as a whole; the three tribes are growing distrustful and suspicious. If the young princess becomes sole ruler, we may face a breakup of the realm.”

Jesus! There was some small amount of truth to what Noctus was saying. Twilight was untested, and there was indeed growing strife within the realm. But acting against the princesses like this could push us into a full blown civil war the likes of which hadn’t been seen since the Lunar Rebellion. I needed to know just what the hell they were planning so SMILE could put a stop to it.

“So what’s the shot?” I asked plainly. Noctus smiled.

“Simple,” he replied. “In the event that things get as far as a coronation, we will, while acting as the security force for the event, arrest both Twilight Sparkle and Princess Celestia, and place Princess Luna on the throne.”

Well, that was optimistic.

“And you think, what, ponies are just going to go along with that? Hell, what about the rest of the guard. No disrespect to you chaps, but the eight of us aren’t exactly an army.”

“We’ll have the element of surprise,” Noctus assured. “And if all goes well, we won’t need to fight. Our action should spur others, who are just as uncomfortable with this change, to action. It will force the princesses to re-evaluate their decision. From there, we can come to a negotiated settlement.”

Okay, that was more than optimistic, that was wing and a prayer level of hopeful. But there was just a tiny chance it might work, or at the very least cause chaos. Ponies do have this trait of playing follow the leader after all. In any case, it represented a credible threat, and I needed to inform Furlong about this, as well as the princesses. The one saving grace is that this all seemed to be confined to a small number of guards, and didn’t go up the chain of command. Still, Night Song would have some explaining to do.

From there, we got down to brass tacks. Noctus outlined the plan for the day in detail, which was only a fortnight away at this point. They would be assigned to Luna’s protection detail. Noctus as the two lieutenants would take out their counterparts in Celestia’s detail, while the others would secure the room and keep everypony else under control. I meanwhile, was to restrain both the princesses. Like I said, the plan was very optimistic. In a fair fight between me and Tia, it would end with me as a smoking pile of ash. Still, it gave me more than enough to make a report.

Whether SMILE was involved or not, I was sick and tired of keeping secrets and playing my cards close to my chest. Screw Furlong and his ‘we don’t know how high up this goes’. It was plain as day that this only went as far as seven over zealous muppets. Celestia and Luna needed to know. Then we could deal with things the right was; open and transparent, as opposed to the way SMILE liked to do things. I’d fill Furlong in later when all was said and done. Maybe next time he’d think twice about keeping his princesses in the loop.

As it was night now, Luna was on the throne. In all honesty, as it was her guards that had decided to go off the reservation, it seemed only proper that she be the one to deal with them. Still, I figured Tia ought to know as well. It was late, but not yet late enough for her to be in bed. So, heading up to her rooms, I went to deliver my grim warning.

Flashing my ID to the two sentries on duty, I was let into her section of the castle. From there, I found myself at the door to her personal apartment. Knocking on the door, I waited for a response. A moment later, Celestia appeared. She looked a little tired. It felt odd to see her like this, out of her usual regalia and with her billowing mane done up in a ponytail. It made her seem more normal, just another mare trying to catch forty winks.

“Roger?” she asked, still a little bleary eyed as she blinked owlishly at me.

“Sorry to bother you so late, Tia,” I said apologetically. “But there’s a bit of a problem, and I figured you ought to at least hear about it.” Celestia now seemed more alert and she straightened herself up.

“What is it?” she ask.

I explained Furlong’s recent visit, and the disturbing find I’d made meeting up with Noctus and his pals.

“I feared something like this might happen,” she admitted. “I knew there had been some mutterings amongst my own guard, but the thestrals in particular are something of a law unto themselves, as you well know.”

“I’m going to head up and report this to Luna as well. From there we’ll go and speak with Night Song and do our best to nip this problem in the bud,” I explained.

“Good,” she said. “Meanwhile I’ll go and speak with Flash Magnus and have him turn out the guard.” Activating her magic, she floated her regalia over and a moment later, I was looking at Princess Celestia again.

The two of us split up. Celestia went to get things moving with the guard, while I went to go and tell Luna what was going on.

Or at least, I would have. I hadn’t taken five steps around the corner, out of sight and hearing range, when I suddenly felt a sharp blow clout me on the back of the head. My legs instantly went to jelly and I fell to the ground stunned, with my ears ringing. My vision swam for a few moments, and then I blacked out.

I think the phrase I’m looking for rhymes with clucking bell.

I don’t know how long I was out for. What I do know is that when I came to, I had a splitting headache. My vision was blurry for a few moments as I slowly came to, but I was quickly cognisant of a few points. Firstly, I’d been sapped on the head, two, I was currently unable to move my arms or legs, and three, Noctus was staring me in the face, with a smug expression. Well done, Roger. You’ve gone and gotten yourself captured. Brilliant!

Noctus, along with his lackeys, were standing in front of me. I soon realised that I was the same officers mess where we’d all met up before. Only now, as I said, I was tied to a chair, and not going anywhere.

“Tell me, do you think I’m an idiot, Mr. Owen?” Noctus asked curiously. “Or did you honestly expect me to trust you implicitly after one meeting?” Still not fully back with it, I tried being funny.

“Well, based on that plan of yours you pitched, I did figure you probably weren’t the full shilling,” I replied.

That earned me a punch in the stomach that knocked the wind out of me. Didn’t stop me from wise cracking though.

“Now, now, temper!” I said condescendingly. I tested the ropes holding me fast. The knots were pretty tight, but there was some give. “What do you want with me anyway?”

“You went to talk with Princess Celestia,” Noctus replied bluntly. “I want to know what about.” I shrugged my shoulders.

“Sorry, attorney-client privilege,” I said with a grin. Again, that got me another punch, this time to my face. Spitting, I tasted blood. Hooves really do pack a wallop you know.

“Tell me what you discussed. What does she know?” Noctus repeated.

It was fairly obvious what he was driving at, He wanted to know if I’d told Celestia exactly who was involved. And like an idiot, I hadn’t. But he didn’t need to know that. If he did...well, were our roles reversed, I’d kill him to cover my tracks.

“She knows enough,” I replied, evading the question. “And so does Luna. Tell me, what do you think your princess will do to you when she learns how you betrayed her trust.”

Noctus’ eyes went wide in fury.

“I will never betray her!” he snarled. “I do this to protect her!” Time to play mind games.

“You’ve already betrayed her, Noctus!” I shot back. “You’re a traitor, an honourless traitor who by rights should be taken out and shot!” That got me another punch.

Noctus now got up close and personal with me, the two of us found ourselves locked in a staring contest as he grabbed my head with both hooves.

“Tell me what you did!” he roared.

“You’re screwed, Noctus!” I replied with a grin, ignoring the pain as best I could. “They know what you’re planning, and any minute they’re going to burst in here to take you down!”

The other conspirators now started looking around nervously. There was only one way in and out of here, through one door. And as far as they knew, they were now exposed. But then again, when a cat is cornered, it will scratch even the fiercest dog. Noctus backed off, now calmer than before.

“They can try,” he replied. “But then I always have my fallback option.”

Eh? Noctus, his now turning more cunning, explained.

“Aren’t you curious why we were so eager to recruit you?” he asked.

“You told me; I’m close to the princesses.” Noctus smiled now.

“True,” he replied. “But you also had something we need; a bargaining chip. I believe you planned to make use of it during the attack by the Storm King. A way to force the enemy’s surrender without a fight.”

Oh no. He couldn’t be serious!

“I know in a locked cupboard, you have what your species call a nuclear bomb, which is capable of vapourising this entire city. If the princesses do not meet our demands, then we will destroy Canterlot.”

Noctus now moved to search my jacket pockets. Tied up as I was, I could do little to stop him as he floated the keys out in front of me.

“I hope you don’t mind me borrowing this,” he said coldly. I glared at him. There was little else I could do. I just wanted to know how he knew about the bomb in the first place.

He was right, I do indeed have a nuke in my office. It was previously to be turned over to SMILE, but after a conversation with Celestia and Luna, it was decided I should keep it, in a locked cabinet in my office. Furthermore, all knowledge of the damned thing was supposed to be suppressed. Bones in particular had voiced concerns about letting the Equestrians have access to that kind of technology. It was supposed to go through a deactivation process next month to make it safe, but at the moment, it was still live.

And now those moon worshipping fruit loops had access to it.

Noctus and his boys then left me, alive for now. Nopony knew where I was, and at any rate, by the time they did find out where I was or what was going on, it would be too late. Still, that didn’t stop me from trying, and with some work, I was able to start loosening my bonds.

It was about another twenty minutes before I managed to undo the ropes and get out again. I’d been knocked about, but I was in pretty decent shape all things considered.

In any case, I’d inadvertently kicked the hornets nest. Discovered as he was, Noctus was now putting his maniacal plan into motion. We were staring down the barrel of a genuine military coup. Still, as I found my way back to one of the main thoroughfares of the castle, things seemed more or less okay. For one thing, there were no alarms going off, and pandemonium didn’t seem to have broken out. I figured my best bet was to head for the throne room and meet up with Celestia and Luna. If Tia had turned out the guard, she must have gone to warn her sister too when I didn’t resurface.

Or at least, I would have done if I didn’t run into one of the guard posts on my way there. Reaching into my jacket pocked, I prepared to show my ID and get myself waved through as I normally did. Before I had a chance though, all three guards, which were made up of two thestrals and a unicorn, readied their spears.

“Halt! Surrender!” the corporal in charge ordered sharply. Eh?

“Easy!” I said, raising my hands for a moment. “I’m friend not foe.”

I now however, found myself launched into a world of issues.

“It’s over, Mr. Owen,” the young guard said. “Lieutenant Noctus told us everything. You’re under arrest for conspiracy. Come quietly now.”

Oh son of a…! I tried to talk my way out.

“If I say Noctus is the traitor, not me, and that I’m on my way to warn Princess Luna about an imminent coup attempt, I don’t suppose you’d let me go?” The guards were unimpressed.

“Turn around. Face the wall,” the corporal instructed. Well, only one thing for it. I could apologise later.

Initially, I complied with their request, trying to lull them a bit. Then, as one of them moved to cuff me, I took a swing at him. Taking him by surprise, I caught him clean on the jaw and sent him sprawling.

Of course, that prompted his two mates to join in, and both quickly leapt at me, going for my arms to restrain me. But being bipedal, I had something of an advantage, since Royal Guard training is mainly focussed on quadrupeds, their fighting style reflects this. Still, at the end of the day, I’m just gone sixty at this point, and was really pushing my luck. While I’d stunned the unicorn and put him out of the fight, he’d be back on his feet before too long. On reflection, I really should have just legged it.

I was fast running out of strength to keep fighting, and I was just about to haul down my colours, when there were three short, sharp magical blasts. Each guard suddenly fell down unconscious. Surprised, I looked around. And there was Furlong, looking mildly amused.

“Much obliged, Furlong,” I said.

“You can’t do the simplest thing right, can you?” he remarked dryly. Fair, to be honest. “I asked you to find the conspirators and report back, not try to take them down yourself. Now they’ve accelerated their plans, whatever they may be.”

As quickly as I could, I explained Noctus’ plan. Instead of looking terrified at the prospect of all of Canterlot being blown to smithereens, and the surrounding valley being contaminated with fallout and uninhabitable for decades, he seemed to be mildly amused.

“Well then, I think we ought to do as you were planning, and go see the princesses about this. Although I think you’ll have to play prisoner until we get there.”

And so, with some effort on our parts, we managed to get to the throne room to see Luna. Celestia was there too. As promised, she had woken Flash Magnus and turned out the guard. The word was out that there were mutineers about, only they didn’t know who. Luckily, Noctus identifying me as a traitor was enough for Celestia to clock him as a bad lad.

By the time we arrived, the situation was, more or less, under control. Well, sort of. Noctus and his fellow traitors were holed up in my office with the bomb, and had barricaded themselves inside. The Royal Guard had sealed all the exits and were under orders to stop anything coming out. The only problem was that they were now threatening to detonate.

So, you know, minor problem.

“I’m open to suggestions,” Celestia said as she finished summarising the situation. “ We need to neutralise the six guards and prevent them from using that weapon.”

“You don’t believe they actually would do such a thing, do you sister?” Luna asked in alarm.

“Your guards are loyal to a fault, Luna,” she replied. “They will do whatever it take to ‘protect’ you.”

“Plus, it seems fairly obvious that Noctus at the very least isn’t quite right in the head,” I added. “As to getting them out...well, we dare not risk a direct assault, and waiting them out puts us in just as much danger. I think the best option is to try and talk them down before we look to resort to more drastic measures. At the very least, the city should be evacuated, and a shelter in place alert sent to Ponyville and the surrounding towns.”

“Actually,” Furlong spoke up. “I’d advise against that last part. Making a statement about this could very well start a panic, or worse, others might take it as their cue. I’d counsel keeping this quiet for the moment. If all goes well, it can be written off as a training exercise.”

“Furlong! There’s thousands of ponies in Canterlot!” I exclaimed.

“Far better to keep them where they are and unaware. For the moment, the threat is contained.”

At that moment, we were interrupted by one of the guards coming to report on the situation.

“Princesses,” he said. “The traitor wants an audience with Princess Luna. He says he will speak with nopony but her.”

“Not a good idea,” I warned. I was about to go on, when Luna cut me off.

“On the contrary, Mr. Owen,. It is an excellent idea. Sister, I believe I’ve often said to you how we should take a more active role in the defence of the realm.”

Ah yes. Sometimes, having been friends with these two for so long, I forget that they’re alicorns of phenomenal power not that far from being goddesses. Still, there was the small matter of the nuclear weapon in there. I didn’t really know jack about that thing, other than it probably wasn’t a good idea to blast it with magic.

“What about the bomb though?” I pointed out. “One stray blast of magic and we’ll all be standing outside the pearly gates.”

“Doubtful,” Furlong replied. “Considering that it can’t go off.”

Eh?

“Say what?” I said dumbly. Furlong smiled at me with an air of fatherly patience.

“Mr Owen, when you requested we transfer the device to your custody, did you really think SMILE would leave it intact?”

You’ve got to be kidding me!

So, as it turned out. Noctus had no bargaining chip. The bomb, contrary to popular belief, was already disarmed, with all the blasting caps removed. There was no way it would ever go up, since there was nothing to start the reaction.

With that knowledge in hand, Luna and a group of her guards went to indulge in some baton therapy, and Noctus and his confederates were soon detained and placed in the castle dungeons.

What follows next was nowhere near as exciting, so I’ll give you the Cliff Notes version. Obviously, Noctus and the others were promptly informed that their services in the Royal Guard were no longer required. Attempted coups do really tend to do a number on your future career prospects. They were all charged with high treason and sent to prison at a military prison down south near Dodge Junction. All of them were also on SMILE’s watch list for life.

There was also something of a witch hunt shortly afterwards. As Furlong had said, they wanted to be certain that there were no other potentially hostile elements still in the guard. My participation, while it exposed Noctus and his group, did leave the possibility that we’d scared other like minded ponies into hiding. However, after thorough investigation, it was ultimately concluded that the rest of the guard were on the up and up. As loyal as they were, the vast majority accepted the princesses’ decision to step down. After all, if you remember the oath Thorax took when he became a citizen, which is similar to the attestation for a member of the Royal Guard, they swore to obey not only the princesses, but all their rightful heirs and successors.

In any case, the whole matter died down and was dealt with. I didn’t see Furlong again, and have heard nothing about SMILE since, apart from occasional rumours. All that remained now was to wait for the day of Twilight’s coronation. And while most ponies were anxious to see what would happen next, I was concerned for entirely different reasons, as Discord’s mad plan was about to come unstuck in the worst way possible.

Chapter 36 - The Changing of the Guard

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It was a beautiful summer’s day in the gardens of Canterlot Castle. The sun was shining, birds were singing, all seemed right with the world. And I found myself idly regarding the place’s newest addition in the form of a new statue. I munched on an apple I brought with me from home for lunch, fresh off the tree from Sweet Apple Acres.

I wasn’t sure what to feel at this point. Should I feel bad for the three of them, trapped forever in stone? Or should I have nothing but contempt for the three most dangerous villains who arguably came closest to destroying Equestria, albeit indirectly? At the present, I was feeling a bit of both, although leaning quite strongly towards the latter. I stared up at the three creatures, the raging Chrysalis, and the begging Tirek and the cowering Cozy.

“I think the phrase ‘I told you so’, is appropriate,” I said to them. “Discord says you’re still awake in there, so I know you’re listening.”

The three statues didn’t move an inch, rather unsurprisingly.

“Tirek, I told you, I warned you, that if you ever tried anything, you’d be begging for me to kill you by the end of it. And I’m sure you would be, if you could still speak that is. Chrysalis, I trust you remember our little chat too? Would you rather I slashed your throat then and there I wonder? And Cozy, congratulations, you’ve convinced me that it is possible for a child to be born evil, so bravo.”

It was all rather cathartic to me. I knew, of course, that this was where we would end up at the end of the day. The Tree hadn’t been specific, but I knew that these three were doomed to fail. As threatening as they were, given Twilight and her friends’ track record, it was more an inconvenience at best. Ponies might have been rattled by the whole business, but I’d found it...well, annoying if anything else.

“I’m just sorry things had to end this way. Trust me, if it had been up to me, I would have just had all three of you flung into Tartarus. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. But you had your chance. Each of you were given the opportunity, in some cases on several occasions, to reform, and you chose not to. Still, that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I think that, with help, you might have become allies, rather than enemies.

“I mean, Tirek, let’s start with you. I know all about your issues with your father. It’s a story I’ve seen too many times to count. Chrysalis, whatever else I might say about you, you were a gifted ruler and strategist. Had you accepted Starlight’s offer, I would have been pleased to see an alliance between our peoples, with you still as their leader; the one who got them through starvation and found a new path. And Cozy, it’s bad enough to see this happen to hardened villains, but it’s so much worse to see it happen to a child. You might be crazy, but I always thought you could be helped.”

I let out a sigh and took another bite of the apple.

“I just don’t get it,” I said after a moment. “I get the whole revenge thing, sure. But why, when offered a way out, did you not take it? That Tree thing told me how you three bonded up on Mount Everhoof. You saw what friendship can do. Why reject it after that? Why continue down that same road?”

Of course, I got no answer. I let out a hollow laugh. I’m sure even if they could speak, I wouldn’t be getting the answers I wanted.

Let me fill you all in on what happened. The long and short of it, was that Discord’s idiotic plan came unstuck. Turns out these three nutjobs actually did managed to get a hold of Grogar’s bell, and their break in at the archives gave them the information they needed to use it. They managed to siphon old Grogar’s magic into themselves, and also used it to drain Discord of his powers, although they weren’t able to use it themselves, thank goodness.

Armed with this magic, they attacked Canterlot, blowing straight through the defences and capturing the princesses, the Elements, and the Pillars. That bitch Chrysalis even managed to use the chunks of her old throne to fashion anti-magic cells for them. Twilight, thanks to her friends, was able to get away though, to the Crystal Empire. Worse still, the three had covertly been undermining the bonds between the three tribes, and this briefly caused the Windigoes to start circling.

Luckily, by degrees, the others were able to break out, partly thanks to Discord. After helping Twilight regain her confidence (Discord’s plan actually had the opposite effect of shattering her self-belief for a time) they launched a counter attack. And at the same time, the students from the school, rounded up pretty much everypony they could think of, from changelings, to yaks, to buffalo, to humans (the lot of us were in Ponyville since we actually got an early warning of the attack from Discord), while Twilight’s friends helped reforge the bonds between the ponies. This eventually resulted in a sodding great battle, which ended with all of us, myself and my family included, channelling the magic of friendship and blasting all three of them with a rainbow of harmony, stripping them of their ill-gotten magic and restoring everything.

Given how serious things had been, a seriously cheesed off Celestia, Luna and Discord acted decisively. No more chances at reformation, no more being sent to Tartarus. All three of them were petrified on the spot. And Celestia had no intention of letting them out.

That had been a week ago. The damage to the castle had been repaired, and things had returned more or less to normal. The bonds between the three tribes were closer than ever, and there was even talk of a permanent alliance being formed between all the nations and peoples who joined in to help.

However, it still saddened me that it had come to this. Permanent petrification was a hell of a punishment; far worse than death if you ask me. But then again, what can you do with dangerous criminals that won’t reform and continue to be a threat to society? In a world that doesn’t practice the death penalty, this was your answer. Anyway, back to my one sided conversation.

“It didn’t have to go down like this,” I said to the three of them.

“Well, technically, it did,” another voice said as Discord joined me. I turned to my friend who now stood beside me.

“Hey, old man,” I said. “You come to say your piece too?” Discord shrugged.

“Oh, I think you’ve already said all I would,” he replied. “Besides, even if they can hear us, whether they’re listening is entirely another matter. For all I know they’re all just screaming trying to drown us out.”

There’s a thought.

“Celestia asked me to check on you. She said you’d been a bit pensive these past few days.”

“I just can’t help but wish there was another way,” I said to him.

“If it makes you feel any better, Roger,” Discord replied. “Had we kept on doing things my way, Grogar would have attacked Equestria, done the stereotypical nonsense, and then started taking things too far. I figured that, with Twilight and her friends struggling against him, these three might have a bit of a Return of the Jedi moment, reform, and help them defeat me.”

“Too bad they got the drop on you, huh?” I poked. Discord is still sore about that. After all, it’s the second time he got caught napping. And given how the whole thing was more or less his fault, I figured he deserved some ribbing. “I warned you that would happen, remember?”

“Yes,” Discord replied icily. “Still, thanks to that marvellous tree, events stayed their course and we got the right outcome. Twilight is confident in her ability to run Equestria, that last three outstanding bad guys are not going to be bothering anypony any more, and the next generation is ready to take the stage.”

At that, I thought back to the trio’s final moments. After taking a rainbow to the face, Discord used the bell to restore his and the princesses’ magic. With only their normal magic to call on (none in the case of Cozy) they were at their mercy. It still unsettled me somewhat. I recalled with perfect clarity what Celestia did.

She never raised her voice.

That was the worst thing; the fury of the alicorn.

And it was then I discovered why; why Celestia, who had powers almost beyond my comprehension, why she so often stood by as an almost passive observer and left Twilight to save the day.

She was being kind.

With a thought, she, Luna and Discord turned the three to stone, trapping them together forever. There was no mercy in her eyes, no look of sorrow. Each had been given a chance, the option to walk away, to reform, or just accept their fate. Such was their punishment.

I shook myself out of that stupor as Discord tapped me on the shoulder.

“Hey, you okay?” he asked with some concern. I nodded.

“Yeah, fine,” I replied, only partly lying. “So what happens now?”

“Well, now things carry on,” Discord replied. “Tia and Lulu are going to be stepping down next week. Twilight will ascend to the throne and...well, I guess we’ll see what happens.”

“It still feels strange,” I said. “I know this has all been coming for months, but I still can’t quite believe it’s actually happening.” Discord smiled.

“I felt the same way when I saw the three tribes give up their claims to a certain two young alicorns,” He admitted. “Everypony was nervous and unsure of what was going to happen. They were going to completely upend the political system, doing away with the Unicorn Council, the Pegasi High Command, and the Earth Pony Assembly. All three tribes were to be unified under these two new, untested rulers,. Nopony knew if it would even work.

“But then little Tia raised the sun for the first time. Everypony cheered and celebrated. It was as if they knew all was going to go right. And for the next century, the new realm of Equestria enjoyed a time of peace and prosperity. Ruled over by the Two Sisters, and defended by the Pillars of Equestria, the new nation entered a period of harmony, just as we have now.”

“It’s going to be weird,” I said with a chuckle. “I’ve gotten so used to their being some major event every few months. It’ll be strange to just have things carry on without interruption. No ancient bad guys coming back for another try, no skulking whack job trying to create a new world order.”

“Oh, don’t worry, there will still be the odd bit of chaos and plenty of adventures to keep you all interested,” Discord said reassuringly. “Harmony cannot exist after all without just a bit of chaos.”

“It still sucks these three will never be able to be a part of it,” I said, a little sadness returning to my voice. Discord shrugged.

“Hey,” he said. “It may not be that way. After all, I eventually came around. It might have taken me just over a thousand years, but I managed it. I wouldn’t say this is the end of the road for them.”

I reflected on that. He may be right. Of course, I wouldn’t be around to see it.

At that moment, my boss, at least for the next week, joined us in the gardens. Celestia had been riding quite the popularity wave recently. Despite all that happened, the public just remembered her, Luna and Discord soundly defeating their enemies and saving the day. At the same time, they’d seen the same of their new future ruler. So the current princesses would get to retire on a high note, and ponies trusted Twilight to protect them in the future.

“I thought I might find you two here,” she said as she strolled up. I briefly pulled the alicorn, who is after all, one of the few creatures in Equestria that’s near my height, into a hug.

“We were just admiring the latest additions to your garden Tell me, does this count as a castle warming gift for Twilight?” I went to bat Discord behind the head, but he deftly ducky out of the way.

“Actually,” I said. “We were just talking about if they’ll ever end up going the same way as Discord.”

“Anything is possible,” Celestia agreed. “But remember, Discord took a thousand years to get where he is today. And each of these three have had their own chances at reformation before. While I will never discount the possibility, I have to admit that it seems unlikely.”

I again found myself staring at the evil trio.

“It’s strange, Tia,” I said after a moment. “Equestria has perhaps the most binary judicial system I’ve ever come across. Breaking the law is either not punished, and the guilty party is put through a program of reformation, or the punishment is harsh enough to make everycreature sit up and take notice.”

“I believe you were the one who coined the phrase no half measures, Roger,” she replied with a ghost of a smile.

Our little gathering now swelled again, as we were joined by Luna, Bones, Margaret and Lizzie. My family were all up here for the ad hoc celebration that had taken over Canterlot in the aftermath of things. God knows after something like that, we all needed to spend some time together, just until things eased back into normalcy.

“And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept,” Bones said theatrically. “For their were no more worlds to conquer.” My wife rolled her eyes.

“You don’t half come out with some nonsense, do you?” she said to him. Bones chuckled.

“Ah figured it was fittin’,” he replied, before pointing to the petrified villains. “That right there, is the last of the bad guys. No more ancient threats, no more villains from foreign lands, no more schemin’ unicorns. Harmony has finally triumphed.”

“I still kinda feel sorry for Cozy Glow,” Lizzie said, eyeing the cowering filly. “I know she’s was properly messed up in the head, but it still sucks that she’s going to be stuck like that, being just a little kid and all.”

“That little kid,” Margaret pointed out. “Was willing to destroy everything just to get one over on Twilight and the others.”

“Yeah, of all three, she was definitely the most nuts,” Bones agreed. “Ah mean, I get the roid monkey, and I get the love thief, but even if you cover everything in snow, ain’t nopony gonna follow a filly.”

All of us now turned our attention to the statue. Unsurprisingly, they still didn’t move, speak, or doing anything one does when not petrified.

“It is regrettable,” Luna said at length. “I can personally say I didn’t much care for being petrified. But when confronted with a threat so grave and persisted as these three, one must act decisively.”

“Very true,” I agreed. “Sometimes, good men must do bad things to make the world right.”

Discord shot me a knowing look.

A couple days later saw me at the dinner table, along with Margaret and the kids. Owing to the recent close shave, and the fact that half the castle needed redoing, I had some time off to recoup. All four of us were taking the opportunity to spend some time together again. As I’ve said many times before, it’s always nice to reconnect and touch base with everyone. Everything’s changing now, and my kids are now different. Hell, there not really kids any more. Lizzie’s out on her own with her coltfriend Dewdrop, with a steady job and a place of her own. The same goes for Bones; he’s gainfully employed, moved out and living his own life.

What’s that old passage; ‘When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child. But when I became a man, I put away childish things’. That’s where my life is now. The kids have flown the nest, and it won’t be too long before I enter my twilight years. It’s the same for all Equestria with Celestia and Luna retiring. Then again, they also say the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Anyway, all four of us had gathered together for a convivial family dinner. Margaret had done everyone spaghetti bolognaise, with vegetarian options of course in the form of quorn mince for our herbivore children. We were discussing what the future held.

“It’s certainly going to be interesting,” Margaret said. “Although I know the kids will miss having Twilight occasionally stop by with magic lessons for the unicorns.”

“Yeah, not having Twilight around is gonna be real weird,” Lizzie agreed. “I hear Starlight is going to be looking after the castle and the library for her.”

“Ah’m sure Twilight will still stop by from time to time,” Bones added. “Canterlot is only a teleport spell away after all.”

“I’m still going to miss her though,” Margaret replied. Bones sighed and nodded wordlessly. A slight sense of melancholy descended over our little gathering.

Things were changing, and yes, it was for the better, but Twilight, along with Spike, was about to walk out of our lives almost. I wouldn’t be able to just drop in and say hello. It was like she was taking a part of Ponyville with her. In a way, I suppose she was. Over the last, what has it been, a decade, she’s become an institution. All of us were good friends with her, and it would now be that much harder to keep connected, just as it was getting with my kids. I hadn’t felt like this since Bones went off to university. I tried to gently change the subject.

“On the flip side,” I said encouragingly. “It’ll be a whole lot easier to see Tia and Luna now.”

“Where are they off to anyway?” Margaret asked, shooting an annoyed glare at Lizzie as she childishly slurped up her spaghetti. “Are they staying in the castle?” I shook my head.

“They’re going to live at Silver Shoals for a while,” I explained. Bones damn near choked on his dinner.

“That’s a God damn nursing home!” he exclaimed in alarm. “This whole abdication thing ain’t costin’ them their immortality is it?!” I did my best to calm down the pony fanboy I call my son.

“It’s a retirement village,” I replied. “They just wanted to get used to living out of the castle before they set out on their own. And it isn’t some Jurassic Park. There are plenty of ponies my and your mother’s age there. There’s no nurses. It’s more like one of those gated communities, you live in your own place, but there’s help if you need it. Apparently Luna already invaded the HOA and staged a coup so she and Celestia can bring their pets with them.”

That got a laugh from everypony.

“I suppose it will be nice in that sense. We’ll all get to see the two of them as you do,” Margaret said. “God knows being the boss for so long gets you down.”

“And it’ll let Luna take things further with that Stygian pony,” Lizzie added.

“Lizzie, what have I told you about reading the Foal Free Press. It’s worse that the Mail, the Star, the Express, and the Sun combined.” I decided to drop a bit of a bomb.

“True though,” I said with a grin. Bones damn near turned green at that. He might care deeply for Applejack, but I know he always sort of fancied Luna as an unattainable crush.

So the revised coronation date crept ever closer. Things were soon a hive of activity in the castle. Court had been pretty much suspended during the transition period. After all, the last thing Celestia or Luna wanted to do to Twilight was leave her with problems half resolved. So instead all business had been temporarily halted until the new gaffer was installed.

Still, there was plenty to do, for me, mostly paperwork. After all, my services were retained at the diarchy’s pleasure, so I effectively had to hash out a new contract of employment for me to work with the new princess. And that went the same for everypony. The guards would automatically swap over to Twilight, as dictated in their oath to follow all of Celestia and Luna’s lawful heirs and successors, but pretty much all the maids, butlers, cleaners, cooks, and everypony else that kept Canterlot Castle running needed to have new contracts. Twilight also needed to re-approve all members of what I will continue to call the Privy Council, and had to go through ceremonies with the nobility acknowledging her as the new princess and rightful heir to the throne. And that’s ignoring all the paperwork to do with the abdication. You can’t just up and leave when you’re a princess you know.

It was dull as anything, but if I didn’t do it, Equestria would go the way of the Yanks when they can’t figure out a budget. Still, when lunchtime rolled around at last, I took the opportunity to pay call on Celestia. She knew we probably both needed a break. She’s had it just as bad, teaching Twilight all she needs to know it terms on etiquette and all her new duties, Luna too. Although I understand that she will continue to keep an eye on the Dreaming World for some time yet, so as to help Twilight ease into her new role. After all, Celestia never did it when Luna was away.

I found Celestia in the throne room, now with its roof back on and fully repaired. Last time this happened, the magic of the four alicorns undid all the damage. This time, it was good old earth pony labour that rebuilt the place. I kinda feel sorry for the architect. He only got the new throne room finished about a year ago, and now it’s been blasted to bits and been redesigned again to reflect the new monarchy. As I walked in, I found Celestia overseeing two of her guards hauled her throne away. Smiling, I leaned on the doorway.

“You know,” I said, catching her attention. “Traditionally, you pinch a few odds and ends of stationary, or at worst copper wiring, when you leave a job. Half-inching the furniture is somewhat frowned upon.” Celestia chuckled.

“Well, considering this is technically my house,” she replied. “I think I’m allowed to take a few mementos.”

“I have to admit, I was always slightly jealous of you with that chair. That thing looks pretty comfy.” Celestia smiled and shrugged her shoulders.

“Well, if you have to run an entire country, you might as well be comfortable while you’re doing it,” she said with a chuckle. Her smile then turned mischievous. “Why don’t you give it a try?”

I was a little caught off guard by that. If there’s anything that can really cheese off Celestia, it’s anypony but her sitting in her chair. One of Discord’s favourite ways to tease her was to do just that. She’d walk into the throne and find him lounging there, grinning at her. More than once, we had to get builders in to repair the damage she did to the back wall in an effort to his the draconequus with her magic. Hell, Even Luna wasn’t allowed there. That was partly why they’d sprung for separate thrones when the place was remodelled. Still, would you turn down the offer?

“Sure, go on then,” I said with my best roguish grin.

I had sit crossed legged in the seat since, like most pony chairs, the throne wasn’t built for bipeds to dangle their legs over the edge. Still, the high back was nice to lean back against, and the seat itself was rather comfortable. I took the opportunity to lean back and relax as Celestia smiled down at me.

“Comfortable?” she asked coyly.

“Very,” I replied. “I can see why you spent so much of your time in this thing and had Twilight catch the bad guys.”

Celestia laughed and playfully batted at me with a wing, which I managed to dodge. Getting back to my feet, I offered to lend the two guards a hand in getting it hauled out to the waiting chariot. Celestia followed serenely behind.

“So,” I said as we made our way down the corridor. “Everything all set for Twilight's coronation?”

“Pretty much,” Celestia replied. “I must admit I’m glad Luna and I ended up putting things off for a while. The ceremony is going to be quite elaborate, and I think the exchange of power should have a bit of pomp and circumstance as you say.”

“How’s the Canterlot Symphony coming with the music I provided?”

In a nod to the only other coronation in living memory, I’d given the Canterlot Symphony Orchestra, who would be handling all the music for the event, a copy of Zadok the Priest; the traditional coronation anthem since the days of King George II.

“It’s an excellent piece,” Celestia said. “Young Octavia was playing a few of your world’s selections last week as well you know. She’s a most gifted musician, more so when she’s teamed with Vinyl Scratch. A more strange, yet fascinating musical genre I’ve never come across.”

We now came to the landing platform, stepping out into the open air. The two earth pony guards hauled about the throne, alone with several other large items and suitcases. To my surprise, Celestia too climbed aboard.

“You leaving already?” I asked curiously. Celestia shook her head.

“I’m just going down to Silver Shoals to get a few things moved in,” she explained. “I’ll be back by this evening to lower the sun.”

I don’t know why, but it was at this moment, that I felt compelled to speak my mind.

“I have to admit, Tia,” I said. “I never figured you’d be retiring before me. I figured I’d grow old and frail, and you’d still be sitting in that chair, keeping us all on the straight and narrow. Hell, I kinda wish I was going with you. I wouldn’t mind flying off into the sunset.” Now it was Celestia’s turn to smile.

“But you’ve got a job to do,” she replied softly. “Where I’m going, you can’t follow. What I’ve got to do, you can’t be any part of.” Her eyes turned misty and wistful as she looked out onto the open horizon. A moment later, she turned back to me, that same knowing gleam in her eye.

“Roger,” she said. “I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little ponies don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.”

I chuckled at her little reference.

“Here’s lookin’ at you, Tia,” I replied.

With that, Celestia signalled for the two guards to take off. She did indeed return later that evening. But in all honesty, I think that was the last time I saw Princess Celestia. From then on, it was just my friend Tia.

The coronation would take place a few days after that. It was all set up to be this wonderful, elaborate ceremony marking the historic change in Equestria’s government. The Two Sisters would step aside, and allow somepony new to take their place, who would lead Equestria into the future.

What we actually got was...well, it was a bit of a farce if I’m honest. Twilight and her friends ended up arriving a little behind their time, and things quickly snowballed from there. The highlight of the event was supposed to be when Celestia and Luna would remove their own crowns, and with their magic, fuse them into one for Twilight. Somehow, the poor alicorn ended up overbalancing on the balcony and went plummeting to the earth below. Of course, her wings saved her from that, but she didn’t look half daft in that ornate coronation gown and ungainly flapping back up to the balcony.

Still, it was funny, and everypony had a good laugh. Laughing with her mind you, not at her. In a way, the little mistakes and foibles made Twilight seem like...well, Twilight. She wasn’t becoming somepony else. Sure she was now a princess of Equestria, but she was still our Twilight; that adorable little bookworm that Tia had had to coax out of her rooms and all but force to make friends. It was comforting, and it made the whole event memorable for everypony, like Big Mac’s proposal to Sugar Belle. It wasn’t perfect, but everypony I know looks back on the day with fond nostalgia.

The crowds cheered, trumpets blared and for the first time in their lives, Celestia and Luna took a bow. They now renounced their titles as princesses and recognised the authority of Equestria’s new monarch. Her Grand Royal Highness Princess Twilight Sparkle of the Realm of Equestria.

I was up there too. Not on the balcony mind you. I was with the rest of the princesses’ advisors and ministers, just a little way behind, dressed in my finest courtesy of good old Elusive. Shining was there too, as was Flash Magnus in their best dress uniforms, and Cadence with little Flurry Heart. Even Blueblood, who’s really turned a corner these days was there, as head of the nobility to swear his allegiance to the new monarch.

With the final act completed and a new princess crowned, the coronation ball began; a grand festival to rival even the Grand Galloping Gala. Celestia and Luna stepped off of the balcony along with Twilight and we all proceeded down to the main hall of the castle. I managed to spend the trip there between the two former princesses.

“Well, I’m sure history won’t forget that coronation in a hurry,” I said with a chuckle as we walked. Tia smiled and chuckled too.

“I must admit, I thought things might not go quite to plan, but I never envisioned Twilight falling off the balcony. Still, at least we didn’t have to contend with yet another ancient evil.” Since she was now ‘off duty’ as it were, I decided to have a little fun.

“On that front,” I said. “Just to be clear; that was all of them, right? There’s no other bad guys from a thousand years ago that might come back wanting revenge?” Celestia paused for a moment and thought.

“No, I think we’ve dealt with all of them,” she said gladly. “There’s no more ‘bad guys’ as you put it left. Peace and Harmony have at long last prevailed.”

“What say you, Luna?” I asked.

“My sister is right,” the former night princess agreed. “Evil has at last been vanquished, and dear Twilight Sparkle shall make a fine princess to oversee Equestria’s new golden age. She and her friends shall protect Equestria and we shall always be on hoof to help if needed, as shall the Pillars and our nation’s many allies.”

“Speaking of,” Celestia chimed in. “I was speaking with the various other rulers in the aftermath of Discord’s little experiment. Given how we all came together to fight a common foe, and how we have all helped each other over this past decade, there is quite a consensus.”

“On what?” I asked. Celestia now unveiled her last gift to her one time pupil.

“They are willing to all enter into a treaty of mutual alliance,” she said. “Ourselves, the Griffon Kingdom, Yakyakistan, the Buffalo Nations, the Dragon Lands, the Changeling Empire; they are all willing to form a somewhat smaller version of what I believe on your world was called the United Nations.”

I knew Celestia had been toying with an idea like this for a few months now. Ever since Chrysalis was overthrown, Equestria has had no more bad guys in terms of hostile states, just individual lunatics. What better way to spread the magic of friendship than by cementing the bonds that had been formed? Celestia continued.

“The ground work has been laid, and the leaders are all willing to meet with Twilight in a couple of months time to discuss the formation of such an organisation. If all goes well, by this time next year, the nations will all sign a unilateral peace treaty with one another.”

“Tis a fine gift for our successor,” Luna said with a smile. “She has helped bring peace and harmony to Equestria, and as we step down, we sow the seeds to spread it across the world.”

We now came to the great hall, which was already filled with ponies eager to meet their new princess, including the young alicorn’s friends and my own family. The three of us paused at the threshold. I figured Tia and Luna would have to do a fair bit of mingling and hobnobbing. So I decided to say my piece while I had the chance.

“The two of you,” I said. “Just before you go off to mingle, can I just say something? I want to thank you. When we all got here ,we had nothing but the clothes on our backs. You gave me a job, my family a home, and helped us rebuild our lives here in Equestria. I’ve been proud to have worked with you, and honoured to call you both my dearest friends. I’m going to miss you.”

I felt a tear forming in my eye. Seeing how actions tend to speak louder than words, I simply leaned in and hugged the two mares, my two friends. And they hugged back.

It would have been a touching moment, if I hadn’t suddenly felt a lion paw and eagle claw at my back. All three of us started at once as we realised Discord had suddenly joined our little group.

“Discord!” I said in alarm as well all suddenly shot apart.

“What?” he said. “Don’t I get to share in this touching moment of fond farewells?”

“You’re not retiring,” I replied. “I know for a fact I’ll come home tonight and find you nicking beers out of my fridge.” Celestia, ever the peacemaker, smoothed things over.

“Now, now, my dear ad...” She was about to say ‘advisor’ but caught herself. “My dear friend. Discord has been just as close a friend these past few years. And I’m sure he’s going miss us just as much.”

Discord now looked away a little shyly, something I’d not expected to see from the draconequus.

“I am,” he admitted simply with a small smile. “Take care of yourself Celly, you too Lulu.” He then hugged the two alicorns like old friends. To think they had been bitter enemies for so long. All parties were by now dabbing their eyes.

“Come on,” Luna said, blinking back her own tears. “Let us go and join in the party. We have much to celebrate.”

And so, the next day, I had myself a new boss. Twilight would spend much of her first week just getting to know everypony she had working for her. Just before lunch, she came to pay call on me in my office. I’d known Twilight as a friend for many years, and I was sure our relationship would be pretty much the same as the one I had with Tia. Still, for our first meeting with her as princess, I opted to stand on ceremony.

Buttercup let her into my office, bowing as he did so. Twilight walked in with the beginnings of an air of confidence, but she hadn’t quite mastered it yet. She was still that adorable little bookworm, even with that crown on her head.

Getting to my feet, I too offered my best bow to her, making the alicorn look just a touch uncomfortable. She never was one to fully buy into the whole ceremony that came with being a royal. Back in Ponyville, she hardly ever wore her old crown, and never had anypony call her princess. She didn’t object when ponies did, but always preferred to be just Twilight.

“Princess Twilight Sparkle,” I said with a kind smile. “A pleasure as always.”

“Hello again, Roger,” she said brightly. “Thank for seeing me on such short notice.” I chuckled and waved her thanks away.

“Princess, for you I am open all hours. As of yesterday, you are my only full time client. I am here to represent and advise you on any and all matters relating to Equestrian or foreign law. Should you ever need advice when holding court, you need only send young Buttercup here, and I shall be there to offer counsel.” Twilight chuckled back.

“Roger,” she said. “Please, I already know your job as my legal advisor. And you don’t have to call me princess. Unless we’re in court, just call me Twilight like you always do.”

“Of course, Twilight,” I said, dropping the overly official tone I’d been using a moment before. “Pull up a chair and we can make a start. Thanks, Buttercup.”

The young stallion nodded his head and departed, leaving the two of us alone.

“So, Twilight, whatever shall we talk about?”

With that, the two of us went over all the nitty gritty of my duties as her legal advisor. We worked out how Twilight wanted to run things. It seemed, like Celestia, she was looking for something of a confidant. Of course, she already had something like that in Spike, who she had given the title of Royal Advisor, so I would be sharing the limelight somewhat, but I was happy to help the alicorn find her feet in these first few months.

And so, the reign of Princess Twilight Sparkle began. The first few months were perhaps a little unsteady, as if often the case following the stepping down of a long standing leader, but in time, Twilight became a fine ruler, and I served her loyally as an advisor and friend.

Life eventually again settled down into a comfortable routine, only with a different princess sitting on the throne. The months and years passed with no monster attacks, invasions or attempted coups.

Bones once told me that when the show he loved so much first started, Equestria had seemed like a utopia. With episodes though, it became clear that, like earth, it had its share of problems. Now though, it was different, it really was slowly becoming that utopia he first saw. I often wonder what we’d do if we ever did find a way back to Earth. Starswirl, Twilight, Tia and Luna, even Discord weren’t sure how we ended up here, and the way we’d come had been sealed by my own command.

But you know, I think, if we had the chance today, even if it was back and forth, I don’t think we’d take it. Our lives have changed so much over the last near decade. This was our life now. I have a good job, so does Margaret. Lizzie and her boyfriend and setting out on their own, and Bones too has forged a new life for himself in a way I don’t think even he ever expected. I mean, who would have thought that I’d be sitting here, writing all this, working as an advisor to purple pony princess. It sounds like something out of children’s story. But it’s my life.

And you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Epilogue - Endless Summer

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And so, you ask, what happened next? Well, a lot, in short; a lot happened. Life carried on its merry way, and just as Tia said, Equestria entered a golden age of harmony. At first, I remained on my guard for any new threat that might lurk on the horizon, but as time passed, my concerns faded. I found myself able to fully relax into my original role as legal advisor to the princess, putting aside the various hats I’ve worn these past few years. Twilight, in time, became a fine ruler, one I am proud to have served.

But let’s travel forward in time shall we, to the present as it were, considering how I’m recounting this all after the fact.

Many moons later….

Well, first of all, let me be a bit selfish and talk about me. I served Princess Twilight loyally for several more years. I was and still am something of an institution in Canterlot Castle. With Spike as her trusted friend and confidant, as well as an avant guard diplomat, and me as an old hand to help guide her, she flourished and in a few years, particularly after her growth spurt kicked in, she became just as respected and admired as her predecessors.

But I was not a young man when Twilight ascended to the throne, and it was perhaps six or seven years later that the matter of my own retirement came up. My hair had been thinning and grey for several years. Luckily, I don’t think I’m ever going to go bald though. My body was...winding down, as they say. Even working an office job, I was past my prime and Twilight eventually broached the subject, saying that it might be time for me to consider stepping down. I didn’t put up much of a fight, I just didn’t like the idea of admitting I was getting older. I spent the next year with Wrought Steel as my ad hoc apprentice. I could think of nopony better suited to take my place. He knows just as much about the law as I do, possibly a little more, and he is firm but fair in its application, adhering to spirit, rather that the letter.

So I left Canterlot Castle, bidding a fond farewell to the now Lieutenant Buttercup, and returned home to Ponyville to live out my retirement. I actually found myself quite restless at first. You’d have thought that by the time you turned sixty eight, you’d just want to relax, but not me. I found myself travelling back and forth between Ponyville and Silver Shoals to see Tia and Luna. They were both doing quite well for themselves. At the moment, they were taking a sort of extended vacation, going through their inordinately long bucket lists. Unlike me, neither of them had aged a day. We’d chat and reminisce as friends are wont to do, and of course, we still kept up our tradition of Mornington Crescent. Discord, my other immortal friend, would also drop by, and sometimes our visits would all align, and we could have a full game like in the old days.

Speaking of my best friend, I am pleased to say that he’s blown off with his little experiments at last, and he too appears to have finally settled down. He’s taken to living with Fluttershy full time. As ‘friends’ of course. To this day, he still won’t come clean, but the two are closer than ever, and thanks to a certain fashion loving pony who shall remain nameless, everypony else knows that too. He still comes by to see me whenever he can, and still joins me and Big Mac for Guys’ Night, although Spike’s work sometimes keeps him away.

And what of my own family? Well, Margaret too has retired, although she clung on far longer than I did. Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo had become teachers themselves, teaching at the School of Friendship under Starlight and Sunburst before she finally stood down. Speaking of my old arch nemesis. She and Sunburst too seem to have gotten into something of a relationship, although I fear Starlight’s...at times frightening, attachment may cause the odd bump in the road. But back to the memsahib, she now spends her free time doing all sorts of little social activities. She’s applied to sit on the school’s Board of Governors just to keep her hand on the tiller, and from time to time helps Mrs Cake out at Sugarcube Corner. Like me, she’s not the sort to relax into retirement.

Then there’s my daughter. Well, she’s the biggest change. It was only a few years after Twilight started looking after things that Dewdrop, her boyfriend, came to see me at the house. He was as nervous as the first time I met him, and with good reason. In a nod to old traditions, he came to ask for my blessing, saying that he intended to ask Lizzie to marry him. Of course, I said yes. I might appreciate the old traditions, but I won’t pretend to have a say in who my daughter chooses to spend the rest of her life with. The two were married by Mayor Mare, as the resident JP, at Town Hall a few weeks later. The two now live together, and in the next few months are expecting their first child, much to Margaret’s delight.

And then, on the flip side, we have Bones. Well, he still lives on Sweet Apple Acres. I’m not really sure what to say about him at this point. He worked for a little while with AJ at the school, which allowed him to further his studies in dark magic. He even taught for a while what he jokingly called ‘Defence Against the Dark Arts’. But he’s now returned to that simple life of a farmer that he’s always longed for.

As to his relationship with Applejack...well, they never did end up tying the knot as it were. They love each other, and I’d definitely say they’re still in a relationship. It just seems that neither of them are quite ready to tie the knot. I put it down to their odd personalities. Bones has his asexuality, and AJ is so committed to her work on the farm. Although having said that, said workload has gotten a little lighter these past few years. Apple Bloom, now a grown mare, who is just as strong as her big sister, always offers to help out when she can, and while Big Mac might be past his prime, he is still a force to be reckoned with. Even Granny Smith, who somehow is still going, helps out when she can. And then of course, you have the two additions to Sweet Apple Acres. Sugar Belle lives there now with her husband (and yes, Granny Smith is circling just as much as my wife is), but also Rainbow Dash of all ponies.

She’s still in the Wonderbolts, but as an instructor now for the next generation and has taken to spending more time on the ground. Like Bones, she’s attracted to the gentler pace of life Sweet Apple Acres offers I think. Well, amongst other things. You didn’t hear it from me, but I hear talk that the most awesome pony in Equestria might have a soft spot for a certain apple farmer, and I’m not talking about Mac or Bones.

The farmhouse certainly seemed a whole lot fuller when I last went to visit. I can tell you that. It’s nice to see one of the oldest families in Ponyville still prospering.

Now, let’s see, who else have I left out?

Let’s see, well, Lyra and Bon Bon finally tied the knot. Scuttlebutt says that she’s finally out of SMILE and that world of shadows and espionage, but I wouldn’t count on it for sure. On the plus side, Lyra’s relationship with her marefriend, now wife, has tempered her...shall we say, interest, in humans. They’ve both settled down together and have been married a few years now.

Now, what of Twilight’s friends? Well, as I said before, AJ is still on her farm, with Rainbow now living under the same roof. Pinkie Pie meanwhile has been the first of her group of friends to become a mother. She married Cheese Sandwich a few years ago, and not long after Lil Cheese came into the world. The new family have their own place in Ponyville, with Pinkie having moved out of Sugarcube Corner, although she still helps out there a lot of the time, and even babysits for the Cakes. On that front, Pound and Pumpkin are growing up fast, and a far cry from those creepy dead eyed little demons I first remembered.

Rarity meanwhile has done quite well for herself, continuing to expand her little fashion empire. While she still lives in Ponyville, and Carousel Boutique will always be her flagship store as it were, she now spends quite a lot of time travelling, including beyond Equestria. She’s become quite the household name, the Laura Ashley of Equestria as Margaret once put it. She remains single, having spent more time working than anything else. Between us girls, I think that day when Spike finally got over his boyhood crush on her caught her flat-footed. Like all of us, she looks a little older now, with a few streaks of grey in her purple mane, but that hasn’t stopped many a would be suitor.

And then of course, there’s Fluttershy. She’s still very much as she was, living in her beautiful little cottage out by the Everfree. Angel is still clinging onto life, possibly fuelled by the pure evil that makes up his being. He’s less troublesome nowadays, and more of a friend to Fluttershy, and even to Discord, who as I said before, now lives there more or less full time. Sweet Feather Sanctuary is still going too, and with Discord’s help, it’s a lot easier for Fluttershy to get things done. I still hold out hope though that one day, my best friend might finally pluck up the courage to admit his feelings. Although a part of me thinks that Fluttershy already knows. Like Bones and AJ, there’s this unspoken bond between them; deeper than friendship, but not outright love.

All in all, everypony and everyone is prospering across Equestria and beyond. Celestia’s final gift to Twilight before stepping down did indeed bear fruit. I was pleased to see that before I retired, I was able to see the international community form. The final name for the group was the Council of Free Nations. Made up of Equestria, the Griffon Kingdom, the Changeling Kingdom, the Crystal Empire, Yakyakistan, and the Dragon Lands, this group did indeed become an, albeit more effective, counterpart to the UN, with treaties of mutual alliance, as well as trade and a common defence pact, in addition to acting as the world’s policeman. Other small nations, such as the Buffalo Nations, the Storm Territories, the Kirin, and others, are slowly applying for membership. It has been hailed as Princess Twilight Sparkle’s crowning achievement.

The only real downside in my current life if that we never did end up finding a way back to Earth. Starswirl, Twilight, Celestia and others all had various theories, but after a few experiments that went more than a little pear shaped, me, Bones, Margaret and Lizzie all had a sit down to talk.

Now, just to be clear, I’m not a misanthrope. But at the same time, I’ve seen how humans react to things that they don’t understand, and the damage we’ve done to new civilisations we’ve encountered. While I was fairly sure there would be no malice behind it, I couldn’t help but be concerned about what would happen if a rift was indeed opened.

First of all, you had the risk that we wouldn’t be able to get back to Equestria. And at this point, there was very little hope of us re-entering our old lives. Then, as I said before, you had the risks of contact with humanity as a whole. While I’m sure plenty of Bones’ friends would be overjoyed, plenty others wouldn’t like how it knackered their world view.

In the end, it was Bones who came up with the idea and helped me draft the legislation. As with so many things, he’d borrowed it from some old video game. He called it the Cole Protocol. In short, it was a law that forbade any attempt to recreate the interdimensional portal that had brought us here. It explicitly forbid any attempt to locate or contact Earth, and in the event any such portal did reopen by natural or unknown causes, it was to be closed without delay. It was brought in under existing legislation which governed the use of dangerous or potentially dangerous magic, and also incorporated into the Royal Guard under General Order 098831A-1, SMILE meanwhile referred to it as Directive Pied Piper. To this day, there has been no contact with Earth.

While it does sadden me that I’ll never see it again, I have in all honesty come to think of Equestria, and Ponyville in particular, as home. Like I said before, we’ve all been gone from Earth for so long now, that even if we did find a way back, we’d be like aliens. So much has most likely changed in the twenty or so years it’s been since we left. Hell, for all we know, humanity may have finally bottled it and blown itself to smithereens. In any case, apart from memories, there’s little for us really there now.

This evening, we were all getting together as a family. While we all have our own lives, busy as they sometimes are, we always do our best to get together every couple moons or so to catch up and spend time with each other. Margaret still cooks dinner for the four of us, doing a pony friendly version for the kids (and I do still call then kids) if there’s any meat involved. It’s nice to just get together every once in a while. It was hard enough when Bones and Lizzie were younger, and it remains just as tricky to find a time where everypony’s schedules line up.

Tonight though, was one such night. It was getting on for the tail end of summer now. For Bones, farm life wasn’t yet too hectic, although the coming autumn would soon change that, with Applebuck Season right around the corner. Lizzie too normally would be quite busy, although in her case, it had been a little easier, what with her being on maternity leave from the weather patrol and so forth.

I was working to set the table when they arrived. I have to be careful these days. My hands are getting a little shaky in my old age; nothing too serious according to Dr Horse, but still something to deal with. It’s caused more than one broken plate or smashed mug I can tell you. Striking a match, I lit the candles in the middle of the dining table and placed the last couple pieces of silverware out.

Just as I was finishing up, there was a knock at the door. Margaret was still in the kitchen putting the finishing touches on the dinner. She was cooking us a roast. A decent sized pork joint for the two of us, and a Quorn alternative for Lizzie and Bones.

“Can you get that?” she called from the kitchen. “I’ll get everything set out for you.”

“Alright,” I called back. Walking to the door, I undid the latch and found my two children standing on the stoop. How they’d grown up.

Bones hadn’t changed too much. His seemingly ever present stetson has undergone a few styling tweaks, with the brim now turned up on one side, pinned in place by an old cavalry pin. He’s grown something that might at some point be called a beard, although not especially thick. He’s put on a little weight too, although that’s mostly muscle; he’s certainly a far cry from the lanky teenager I remember. His face too has changed a little, like all of us, he now has a few wrinkles, and despite his relative youth, is already starting to see the odd bit of grey creep into his dark blue mane.

Lizzie meanwhile, well, she was very different. She of course, looked like a mare in her early thirties. Her previously long, flowing mane was now done up in a ponytail style that reminded me a bit of Applejack. It was more out of necessity than style. She’s the boss nowadays, the gaffer of the Ponyville Weather Patrol. Rainbow, now that she’s retired from active duty in the Wonderbolts, is still on the team, but more in a reservist capacity, and in an unusually humble move by the brash pegasus, she stepped aside, saying that Lizzie was suited to running things up front. The rest of them are all still there too, along with a couple of new faces.

But the most noticeable thing about my daughter was her figure right now. She was a fair way along and had started showing about a month ago. At this point, it wasn’t obviously a case of her being the family way, but she was definitely getting bigger. Margaret and I were just glad that her bosses up in Cloudsdale had allowed her to start maternity leave as early as she had. It made both me and Margaret happy to see the family continuing on, even if it was along a path none of us could have envisioned.

“Hey, kids,” I said with a smile. “Come on in.”

I stepped back and the two ponies trotted inside. Like a good host, I took Lizzie’s jacket that she’d been wearing, and hung it up on the coat hook. Bones meanwhile, following with proper custom, used his magic to remove his stetson and hung it in the same place.

The three of us all headed through to the dining room, where Margaret was just setting out the dinner. The air was filled with the smell of home cooking, as well as the slight smell of phosphorous from the match she’d struck a moment or so ago to light the candles.

She greeted our two children warmly, with the both of them briefly propping themselves up on their hind legs to wrap their forelegs around her. Even as grown ups, they still see her as their mum, just as when they were kids.

The four of us sat down to dinner, with Margaret and Lizzie on one side of the table and Bones and me on the other. The two ponies had to scramble a bit to get into the human style chairs. But hey, I had to put up with those cushion train seats for years, as well as in dozens of other places outside of my home and office. And they didn’t seem to mind much. Although I couldn’t help but smile at how they looked more like dogs, sitting on their hind quarters on the dining chairs.

All four of us tucked into dinner. Bones used his magic to manipulate the utensils, while Lizzie used her wings. After taking the edge off of our hunger, we began to talk. The subject ranged from everything to nothing. Like I said, it was all too rare we could all get together as a family, outside of say Hearth’s Warming Eve or birthdays. So much of it though would have seemed complete nonsense to a human observer. We chatted about the upcoming weather schedule, holidays that no one on Earth would recognise, jobs that on Earth had either been outmoded by technology, or never had a reason to exist in the first place, and in general, the supposedly fictional world of magical talking ponies.

It was all normal for me of course, but even after all these years, I still find myself reflecting on things. I wonder, if I ever got my hands on that time travel spell of Starswirl’s, and somehow managed to get back to Earth before we all left, and met my past self, what would he think? He’d probably come to the not entirely unreasonable conclusion that he’d lost his marbles in his later years. God only knows what my old business partners would say if they ever found out what happened to me.

On that note, I do wonder what happened after we left. With the whole family gone, there wasn’t really any one to report us missing, until I suppose the bailiffs came knocking looking for money for the utilities, or the post piled up. What did people think? Were we considered dead, missing, or had we become one of those unsolved mysteries for the ages? I guess I’d never find out for sure. That was the only downside really about our current situation. It would have been nice to have at least tied off a few loose ends.

“Roger, are you in there?” Margaret asked me suddenly. I came to with a start and found both my wife and two children all staring at me.

“I was saying it’s such a nice evening,” Margaret went on. “Maybe we should have a brew out in the garden or something.”

I roused myself, shaking the cobwebs loose. That’s something I’ve been noticing these past few years, my mind does tend to wander more than it used to. It’s so easy to get lost in your own thoughts.

“Sure, that sounds lovely,” I agreed, getting to my feet. “You three head out and I’ll put the kettle on.”

And so they. All four of headed into the kitchen, which overlooked the back garden. I peeled off and made for the stove, while Margaret and the kids headed out the back door.

One of the things that I’ve been doing to keep busy these past couple of years is gardening. When we first got this place, it had a nice enough garden; a nice lawn with low fences. But with time, effort, a little patience, and some help from a couple landscapers, I managed to turn it into something you might see at the end of an episode of Ground Force. There was a garden shed now that I’d built for myself, a bit more shrubbery and a small apple tree, along with a patio area with a bench to sit on in the evenings.

After having boiled the kettle and brewed a combination of tea and coffee, as well as picking out an assortment of accompanying biscuits, I headed out to join the rest of my family.

It was late evening now. The sun was setting, courtesy of Twilight. I still find it strange to think it isn’t Tia doing that any more. The rolling hills beyond Ponyville were bathed in beautiful reds and golds.

Margaret had sat herself down on the wooden bench we had out here. Lizzie had briefly flown up into the air and pulled down a small tuft of cloud for her to splay herself out on. Bones meanwhile was laying down on the soft grass.

Carefully balancing the tray, I joined Margaret and sat down beside her, setting the tray down between the two of us. Everyone helped themselves to what struck their fancy.

We didn’t talk much after that, instead simply enjoying the peace and calm of the summer evening. I found myself again taking a moment to reflect.

I’ve lived a long life. It’s not always been a good one, but I like to think I’ve always tried to do right. I was fairly pleased with how things had turned out back when we were still on Earth. Now though? Now I was more proud than ever. I’d led a long and successful career, I’d helped raise two beautiful children, and I’d had more friends that you could shake a stick at, should you do desire.

I remember when we first got here, my only thought was of getting home, getting back. This strange new world might have been fascinating, but I didn’t belong here. But through all the odd little adventures, misadventures, accidents, squabbles and near world ending disasters that me and my family had been through though, that had changed. Now, I can’t imagine being anywhere else. This was our home, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Further Tales From Day Court

by Blade Star

Prologue - An Ordinary Morning

Chapter 1 - Crystalling

Chapter 2 - New Friends in High Places

Chapter 3 - Curry Night

Chapter 4 - Applewood Derby

Chapter 5 - A Prank Too Far

Chapter 6 - Immigration

Chapter 7 - Guys' Night

Chapter 8 - Viva Las Pegasus

Chapter 9 - Relapse

Chapter 10 - Kidnap

Chapter 11 - Designated Survivor

Chapter 12 - A Mile in Their Horseshoes

Chapter 13 - Unexpected Results

Chapter 14 - La Vita Nuova

Chapter 15 - Redemption

Chapter 16 - Aftermath

Chapter 17 - Rights and Freedoms

Chapter 18 - Dewdrop

Chapter 19 - Educational Espionage

Chapter 20 - Conduct Unbecoming

Chapter 21 - Deadbeat Dad

Chapter 22 - Sociopaths

Chapter 23 - Immortal Love

Chapter 24 - Abdication

Chapter 25 - The Old Enemy

Chapter 26 - Moving On

Chapter 27 - New Friends, Old Problems

Chapter 28 - The Heist

Chapter 29 - Familiar Faces

Chapter 30 - Vacation

Chapter 31 - Bellwether

Chapter 32 - Bad Medicine

Chapter 33 - Failure to Communicate

Chapter 34 - Proposals

Chapter 35 - Die Wacht am Nacht

Chapter 36 - The Changing of the Guard

Epilogue - Endless Summer