Brainbow Brash

by WhatDidIJustRead

First published

Alt universe nonsense retelling of some pony lore.

Nonsensical alt universe retelling of some well known pony lore.

That's probably the nicest way I can put it. This is stupid. Honestly, just don't even read it. It doesn't even deserve cover art.

My OC pls do not steal

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Brainbow Brash was a bregasus brony. She was part of The Bronderbrolts. Her brane and brail had all the colors of the brainbow, while her coat was a lovely sky brue.

She had five friends she loved with all her heart. Dilight Darkle, Stinkie Sty, Marity, Grapplegrack, and Gutterguy. Together, they were the Sane Mix. They each represented an Element of Farmony.

Dilight Darkle represented darkness, which is needed for farm animals to sleep.

Stinkie Sty represented the element of pens where the pigs are kept.

Marity represented the element of female horses. Because she was one.

Grapplegrack represented the element of grappling, which one must know in order to rassle the livestock.

Gutterguy represented the element of gutters. Everyone knows what gutters do.

Brainbow Brash represented the most important element of all. Intelligence and rudeness. They both count as one, or if you insist they are two, then she is represented by two elements. Fine, whatever.

Anywaywho, the Sane Mix were all gathered around a big table. They needed to figure how how to stop Lightmare Loon from bringing eternal day to the land of Equestria.

"We cannot let this happen!" said Dilight Darkle, for obvious reasons.

"Maybe we can build a giant pen to trap her," suggested Stinkie Sty.

Grapplegrack nodded. "Ah kin grapple her inside."

"And if it rains, I will make sure all the rain gets properly funneled where it can drain without being a nuisance," said Gutterguy.

"Yes, dear, we all know what gutters do," said Marity, showing off her lovely feminine mane.

"What do you even do, Marity?" asked Brainbow Brash with rude intelligence.

Marity gasped and refused to answer because deep down she really didn't know just what she contributed.

"Anyway, now that you idiots are done with your terrible ideas, I have one that will work. We just need to find the Elements of Farmony and use them to defeat her. If we can hit her with its deadly power, she will be crushed. And like red pepper, she is best when crushed and dried then sprinkled on like pizza or something." Brainbow Brash smacked the big table with a hoof, scaring everypony.

So two days later, after they defeated Lightmare Loon, they met at the table again.

"Wow, what an interesting and amazing fight!" said Marity.

"Yeah, that was some fancy rasslin' Ah did if Ah do say so mahself," said Grapplegrack as she recalled the amazing fight that happened, and nopony at the table would disagree or feel like she should go into further detail.

"I just wish it rained. I was almost as useless as Marity," said Gutterguy sadly, who had been completely useless, but at least he (or she?) wasn't Marity.

Marity started to cry sadly, but nopony really cared because she was Marity.

"Trike!" yelled Dilight Darkle, and in rolled her number one assistant: A red wagon.

"What is it, master?" asked Trike the Wagon.

"Take a letter!"

Trike the Wagon began writing a letter as Dilight Darkle dictated it to him.

Brainbow Brash was bored, however, so she pulled a very clever and overtly rude prank by kicking the letter out of Trike's grasp. "Ha! You just got pranked. Stupid wagon."

Everypony laughed, even Marity, who was actually slightly more useful and well loved than Trike.

The next day, Discord attacked.

Later, after he was defeated, the Sane Mix met at the table yet again to discuss their next move. Stinkie Sty couldn't make it, as she was busy rolling in mud. Gutterguy was also absent, as it was raining and there was water to divert. Marity didn't show up because she was a horse and horses are actually not all that intelligent when you get right down to it. Dilight Darkle was busy punishing Trike the Wagon in her torture dungeon, so she wasn't there either. Brainbow Brash couldn't come either because she had a date with Grapplegrack.

The empty table did not settle on a next move.

So when Tirek attacked, it really threw their plans into whack. Or out of whack. Whichever one is worse. Basically, their plans were ruined. He sucked all the magic from all the princesses, even the useless love one, and went on a massive rampage, destroying cities and towns everywhere he went. The death toll was in the quintillions if you count bacteria.

The Sane Mix were desperate. They gathered the Elements of Farmony and fired its crazy overpowered beam at Tirek and utterly destroyed him because without them, how would their toys sell?

"Congratulations, everypony," said Princess Moonestia, the goddess of the night and all around best pony.

"Thank you," said Dilight Darkle.

"You're welcome," said Moonestia.

"Thank you," said Stinkie Sty.

"You're welcome," said Moonestia.

"Thank you," said Gutterguy.

"You're welcome," said Moonestia.

"Thank you," said Grapplegrack.

"You're welcome," said Moonestia.

"Thank you," said Brainbow Brash.

"You're welcome," said Moonestia.

"Thank you," said Marity.

"Don't you ever speak to me, filth," Moonestia said to Marity.

A year later, the ponies recruited a new member, Alright Swimmer. She was a new Element of Farmony. The element of being an okay swimmer. Her powers kind of synergized with Gutterguy's if conditions were just right. Not everypony liked her, however, so just to spite them, she stuck around for many years to come, even overtaking Gutterguy in frequency of appearance.

It turns out it was a happy ending after all. Or was it?

Brainbow Brash was kicked off of the Bronderbrolts for using performance-enhancing magic, even though it was needed to save Equestria. They had her in a technicality that she couldn't legally loophole her way out of.

Marity lived her life in despair and uselessness.

Dilight Darkle gave up Trike for adoption. He went to a slightly worse home.

Stinkie Sty became a professional pig holder. She was okay at it.

Grapplegrack changed her name because she finally realized it was stupid.

Gutterguy went on to do more gutter related things, of course.

Over the next few centuries, their legends lived on and their descendants carried on their glory. Except Marity of course, whose lineage died with her.