Chapter 1: In Which Spike Leaves a Note
Spike was fairly smart, or at least he liked to think so. It could surprise you just how much intelligence had rubbed onto him from all his time as Twilight's assistant.
Since he was smart, he knew what emotions he should be feeling as he sat off to the side. The after-party was in full swing, and everybody had made it abundantly clear as to how they felt it all.
They were happy for her.
After all, she had done it! She had fulfilled her destiny and ascended. She had become a princess.
But he wasn't. He wasn't happy for her. Why wasn't he happy for her?
The only thing he could feel was an overwhelming sense of dread.
He felt his expression slide like water. Quickly, his mouth bounced back into the best imitation of a smile he could pull. A small sweat broke out as he scanned his friends, checking if anyone noticed his fractured mask. Noticing no one, he let out a small sigh of relief.
When he laid down to bed that night, he could feel that creeping sense of dread.
He prodded it.
He poked it.
And he came to one singular conclusion.
He wasn't needed anymore. As it turns out, he was useless, and–
What the heck?
Spike was surprised. For a second he was starting to slip into edge-lord territory. Pushing his emotions to the side, he coldly analyzed what was happening.
Careful to keep his thoughts from getting dark, he could only come to one conclusion.
He needed a vacation.
Spike took a serious mental look at himself and decided that if he stayed, he would literally jump off a cliff. His mind grew out of control at the mere thought of Twilight leaving him. His emotions were shot. Overall, it was clear to him that he had to cut the rope before he choked.
He chuckled. Twilight as a rope. It seemed so demeaning, yet apt.
Before I explain what happened, please be aware that at the time, he had a small amount of alcohol going through his body, and it was nearly midnight.
Flicking an eye open, he noted that Twilight was asleep. With no small trepidation, he tiptoed down the stairs. Quietly, he walked to the kitchen and grabbed the bag he had used when he travelled to the dragon lands. Scanning through the floor, he packed the essentials. Water in a canteen, food, bits from his allowance, and of course, The Hitchhikers Guide to The World.
He spotted a piece of paper. He should probably leave a note.
~|~|~|~
"Spike, are you awake yet?"
Twilight called out to her assistant, expecting a mumble or groan. Furrowing her eyebrows, she pushed herself out of her bed and walked over to his bed. She raised an eyebrow when he saw a piece of paper in Spike's place. Rolling her eyes at the obvious prank, she levitated it in front of her face. Chuckling slightly, she casted a quick tracking spell.
Wait, why wasn't it working?
It should work all across Ponyville and beyond that for the next couple miles.
She cast the spell again.
The wry amusement quickly turned into panic.
No, not panic.
Pure, unadulterated rage.
She galloped out the library, crashing through the door, screaming about alcohol in the punch as the note gently fell to the ground.
Gone on a vacay, be back in a couple weeks/months
~|~|~|~
Spike felt the sunlight clash against his eyelids. Groaning slightly, he opened them.
"Hey Twi–"
Oh yeah. He's on a vacation.
Spike looked at the landscape sliding by as he sat on top of the wagon. Despite riding for nearly an hour last night, he couldn't find a suitable place to start his vacation. So when they arrived at the next stop, he dropped off, rented out a room and slept.
Deciding to ignore the town for the time being, he asked to hang out with some guy delivering hay to a nearby outpost.
With a slight grunt of exertion, he hopped off the cart. The stallion who had been pulling it pined his head at Spike and raised his eyebrow.
"This is my stop, mister," said Spike.
The stallion simply nodded his head, turned around, and continued his march.
After walking for a bit, Spike popped open his sack under a stony hill shielded by the sun.
"Are you kidding me?"
Spike twitched his eye. He didn't have five bits to his name. As it turns out, money runs out real fast when you want a hot meal and bed. Flipping out The Guide, he skimmed through the book until he found the entry on wilderness survival.
Huh.
Spike looked to his left, spotting one of the many plants the book claimed was edible. It looked like normal grass, but it had a slightly maroon tint. He walked over the the odd plant and tugged upwards. Rather then ripping from a the ground, an odd radish-like plant came out of the hole. Careful to utilize as little water as possible, he washed the plant of imperfections. Pinching his nose, he leaned forward and bit.
Oh lordy, it tasted awful.
Spike immediately gagged. What monster would say this was edible? It tasted like Applejack's farm after they'd started making the fertilizer.
Spike swallowed the disgusting food. Holding his nose the entire time, he unceremoniously tossed the rest of the plant against a nearby hill.
He wasn't going to eat that junk. He needed money and/or cooking skills. The first was probably easier to get. He nodded to himself.
The problem was how he was going to get that money. He wasn't about to get a job, as that would defeat the whole purpose of his vacation.
Sighing, he walked over to the maroon plant. Picking it up, he tossed it once more against the hill.
As soon as it smacked into the hill, a blue light shone from the spot where it had been hit.
Wat.
In less then a second, the light died down. Approaching it slowly, Spike pressed a claw to the spot where he threw the plant. Instantly, he made out the blue outline of a couple of words.
Beware ye who enter, for this be the home of many an artifact, old and new. Spells of every type have been created to prevent all but the bravest from ransacking what remains of The Great Kingdom of Discord!
This was a Discordian dungeon.
Spike had heard about them, but only as theory. Twilight had mentioned it once in one of her many study sessions. All in all, it was decided that they probably didn't exist. Why would they exist if after all this time, not even one had been found?
Spike set the sack and stick to the side of the blue words. Walking up to where he words had since faded, he pressed his finger into it. A low groan echoed as stone slid and heaved, revealing a dark entrance.
The only thing he could see was a torch, left alone at the side. Picking it up, he let out a small burst of flame. Instantly, the hallway was illuminated.
As he walked down the seemingly endless stone pathway, he realized something. It was a bit sobering, and honestly depressing if he thought about it.
He was alone. For the first time in a while, he was truly, completely alone. No friends to save him, no friends to mourn him.
Spike allowed a small tear to fall down. He was alone after all. He took a step, his feet pressing into the hard stone–
Clink!
Spike's eyes widened. He was so wrapped up with himself, he didn't even notice the obvious trap. He turned his neck, not surprised to see differently colored stone then the rest of the hallway.
As soon as he stepped off the plate, it would trigger some kind of device.
Spike smirked. What an incredibly simple trick.
Or maybe not. The thing could be pressure sensitive. If he moved the tiniest bit, he might get the same punishment he would've gotten if he had just stepped off.
Oh well. No risk without reward.
The decrepit cavern had been wasting away for awhile. A byproduct of that was the tons of heavy stone all over. Spike fell flat on his stomach, keeping the pressure on the plate. With his extended reach, he lifted a fairly heavy rock closer to him.
Bit by bit, he slid the rock on the pressure plate, at the same time slipping his foot off.
As soon as his foot came off, he sighed in relief.
The dungeon was incredibly old. Half of the traps didn't even work and the other half were hilariously easy to break or escape from. Before long, Spike had to head back and grab his bag from the sheer amount of artifacts and valuable minerals.
The artifact that interested him was a map.
A map with every single Discordian dungeon on it.
When Spike had arrived at the outpost, he was surprised to find a pawn shop. All together, he had managed to scrape together seventy bits. More then enough to legally buy a ticket.
Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
The train rolled to a stop. Spike calmly stepped out.
~|~|~|~
"Legendary Discordian artifacts returned by Crystal Empire Hero?"
Rarity stared wide-eyed at the headline. For the past several days they hadn't heard a peeper. Twilight had a meltdown and thought he was dead. They had even gone so far as to send Rainbow to contact the princess. Missing posters were supposed to be distributed across Equestria within the week.
That did nothing to assuage Twilight, however. She wanted to immediately start searching the entire nation. Rarity was about to agree, but Applejack had disputed the practicality of the idea. They eventually decided to wait for a week before doing anything. After all, she had some valid points. They didn't even know where to begin!
That is until five seconds ago. She threw some bits at the newsie, telling him to help her round up her friends.
~|~|~|~
"Rarity, why did you send us here?" said Twilight, her voice low and ominous.
Rarity shoved the newspaper into her face. The other mares took a look at the headline. In the distance, a pin dropped.
"Five days and he's already got himself on the headlines?" Said Rainbow Dash, eyebrows raised and a smirk on her face.
Twilight simply pointed at the train station.
~|~|~|~
"What do you mean he's going to Las Pegasus!?" Rarity screamed at the outpost manager.
"That sounds scary…" whispered Fluttershy.
The rest of the group simply settled for looks of general annoyance.
"We're gonna be chasin' him round and round for the next several weeks, aren't we," commented Applejack.
Twilight sighed.