> The Elements of Absolution
>  by leeroy_gIBZ
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Ever since you were born you've been dying
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes, you have a good day. Sometimes, your asshole boss ships you off to a two-bit town in the middle of nowhere and orders you to prepare a ceremony in celebration of some random holiday nopony cared about for the last five hundred years. I wasn’t having a good day.

Luna shoved a clipboard in my hooves, shoved my ass on board a chariot and ordered the guards to give me a one-way trip to Ponyville. Yeah, I get the message, Princess. You didn’t need to banish to get that done. I’ll take the partying down the notch, alright? I’ll pay a bit more attention to your books, okay? It isn’t like I need to do that since I’m literally smarter than your entire school put together but I’ll humor you, sure. Just don’t fly me off to a town that thinks fun is something you feel guilty about afterward.

The chariot dropped me off in the main street, or thereabouts. It wasn’t even paved. The houses were tiny and no good for any kind of meet and greet. The place was pretty much deserted, which was good, in a way. That meant nopony would be wasting my time. I could get in, drag everyone to where they needed to be, and get out before any hicks had any stupid ideas about asking me to stay and watch the fireworks. Bitches, I make way better fireworks out of my horn than you Mud Ponies could with all the gunpowder in Griffonstone.

“Small town, huh? Kind of cool in a rustic sort of way.” Smolder said, stepping off the chariot behind me.

“This place is dead, and you know it. Just tell me what I need to do so we can go home, alright?”

My assistant groaned and examined the checklist. It was long, painfully long. “Okay, Sunset. First thing Luna says you have to do is check that the skies are all nice and cloudy so we can have a good few inches of snow for the Winter Night Festival.”

“I knew she was old but I never guessed she was demented. How in Tartarus am I supposed to do that? I’m a Unicorn, not a Birdbrain.”

“Hey!” Yelled a peach-colored Pegasus, swooping down and landing in front of my face. “Who’re you calling Birdbrain?”

“You, obviously. Do I really need to explain this?”

She took a step forward, “Do you know who you’re talking to?”

“A Birdbrain who doesn’t understand the simple concept of personal space?”

“The name’s Indigo Zap and I’m warning you. Watch your mouth or you might find it kicked in.”

“Well, if you don’t want to be called names, don’t answer to them, idiot.” I said, turning away.

I got about two feet before she bit my tail and yanked me back. I turned around and started charging up a Stun spell. No point in murdering one of these hicks, after all. They’re probably all armed.

“This is your last warning. I don’t know how smart you think you are, but I’m smarter. So, take my advice and buck off before blast those stupid goggles right off your face.”

She screamed and jumped at me. I let loose with the spell. A cyan ray of pure magic warmed up the cold air before smashing uselessly against a wall. That Pegasus had actually dodged my spell? She then hit me in the head. A burst of pain shot through the right side of my face as I skidded backwards in the dirt. Blinking the stars out of my eyes, I saw Indigo fly up before swooping forward again.

I started charging another spell. I was too late. A hoof smashed into my back, knocking the air out of my lungs and knocking me to the ground. Gasping for air, I raised a shaking hood, a common symbol of surrender.

“Giving up so soon, city-slicker? I thought you Unicorns were made of stronger stuff. Pathetic.” Indigo sneered, landing a short distance away.

“Didn’t… expect… you Birdbrains to fight dirty.” I said, picking myself back up.

“Dirty? What? I kick your ass and you call me a cheat? If you hadn’t realized, this isn’t Canterlot. We don’t duel here. There aren’t any rules. We just throw hooves until one of us calls it quits. And today, Bonehead, that pony was you.”

“Wait, you said your name was Indigo Zap, right?” Smolder said, hopping down from the tree she was hiding in.

“Yeah. Indigo Zap. Ponyville’s Premier Weather-Pony and Shadowbolts cadet. You’ve probably heard of me.”

“Yeah, uh, sure I have. You were in the parade over Canterlot last month, right? Did you get my letter?” 

“Nice try, dragon. The show was in Appleloosa that week.”

“Oh, sorry. Anyway, I have the orders from Princess Luna herself here.” My assistant said, handing over the clipboard and pointing to the relevant note. Indigo stared at it for quite some time before giving it back to Smolder.

“You want me to make the sky cloudy?” She asked.

“Yes, Luna does. The order was very clear about that.” I said.

“I get that done in, like, ten seconds flat. Don’t worry about it, okay?” 

“You know if I can stop talking to you, okay. Fine, it’s your problem when the Night Guard arrests you for disobeying a direct order from the Crown.” I said, starting to walk away.

Halfway down the street, a cloud drenched me in freezing sleet. Shielding myself with magic, I looked up and saw Indigo laughing at me from atop the offending cloud. I rolled my eyes and continued on. I hope the next pony around here isn’t as petty. She already won the fight so I don’t see why she also has to mess up my mane after I went to all the trouble of actually combing it for once.

Next up on the list, as Smolder kindly informed me, was the catering. That was the responsibility of a certain Sour Sweet, a pony whose restaurant I had just walked into. The place was large but sparsely decorated, and the menu informed me that the food seemed to be a fusion between Manehattanite and Prench. Absolutely disgusting.

“Hi, you must be Sunset Shimmer. It’s lovely to meet you.” A cheerful-looking yellow pegasus said, extending a hoof. I reached out to shake it, only for her to swipe it back. “Is what I would say if you didn’t look like crap and hadn’t tracked mud in here!”

“Nice to meet you too, Sour Sweet. I guess you already know why I’m here then.”

“Yes, so you’ve figured out that this is a restaurant. I’m impressed.”

“Good for you. I don’t really care. You like you have everything under control so I’ll leave you to it. Have a great time making whatever the heck poutine hotdogs are.

“You know ponies eat in here right?”

“Could’ve fooled me,” I said, looking around and seeing nopony else but the owner.

“And it’s really nice of you to have tried to redecorate but I don’t really think that dirt matches the décor!”

“Well, isn’t that a bucking shame. I didn’t know you made your patrons eat off the floor.”

“I don’t but if you’d ever like to eat here, I think a tip might be in order. I have to get the carpet dry-cleaned now, after all.”

“Listen, the only way you are getting Bits out of me if you sell me alcohol first. If it gets you off my back, I’ll even clean your carpet myself.”

“Sure, go ahead. You’d only disintegrate it and leave this place in a bigger mess than it was before.”

Damn. She’s smarter than she looks. Which wasn’t hard, considering she looked like a horizontal ice cream cone with those bangs, but still. Not fun.

“I’m not paying you, okay? If you want somepony to blame, go to talk to that prick Indigo Zap. She was the one who thought it’d be funny to make the mud in the first place.”

“Fine. I’ll go do that. But until then, you are officially banned from the Chevelle Café.”

“Oh no, what will I do? I’ll have to go somewhere where the food actually looks appetizing” I said in mock horror, before leaving.

“Yeesh, what was her problem?” Smolder asked as we looked for the next pony I had to suffer through a conversation with. That pony was apparently a Lemon Zest, and she was apparently in charge of the music. Knowing this town though, it’s country music and I would rather be liquified into rainbows than listen to any of it.

Lemon’s store was built right in the center of town, and it the first thing I saw that actually looked vaguely interesting. Unlike all the other buildings in this town, it was cool. The place was a giant jukebox, complete with music blaring out of it. The music was even good. Never thought I’d hear hard rock in Ponyville of all places.

The doorbell played a few lines of thrash guitar as Smolder and I entered the store. Rows of records lined the shelves and stands filled with every type of instrument available stood to the side. A few ponies examined those. My dragon apparently recognized a posh-looking pony balking at a price tag on a cello and rushed over to bother her.

I walked over to the counter, which was a messy desk coated with bills, unopened letters and half-drunk cups of coffee. A pink Earth Pony with a green mane that matched her desk was currently seated at it, eyes closed and headbanging to metal blaring out of her headphones.

“Hey, you Lemon Zest?” I asked.

She ignored me.

I levitated a flute and smacked her on the nose with it. She yelped and fell out of her chair.

“What! Can’t you see I was busy?”

“Yes, I could see that, dumbass. Do you know what you’re supposed to be doing?”

“Err. I totally do, yeah.” Lemon said, rifling through the stack of papers coating the counter.

“And what would that be exactly?”

“Music. I’m the music pony so obviously whatever job you want me to do involves that. Like, why else would you come all the way to find me?”

“Let me just explain it to you because you don’t actually know what you’re doing. Luna wants you to organize some music for the Winter Night Festival.”

“Wait, what? You mean, like, the Luna? Princess Luna? Princess Luna of Equestria?”

“No, you tool, I mean Princess Luna of the Crystal Empire. Of course, you know who I mean. Here’s the list of specifications she wants.” I said, tearing the relevant page off of the clipboard and giving it to the scatter-brained pony.

She stared at it and, unlike Indigo, took an appropriate of time doing so. Her eager smile quickly faded into a broken frown. “Classical.” She said, “Princess Luna wants me to compose an entire symphony of classical music, due tomorrow.”

“Hey, I don’t make the order. If it were up to me, we’d just be playing what you’re playing now. Ghast AD kicks major ass, actually.”

“Yeah. Still though. This is going to be rough. I mean, I know I’m good, but how the buck does she expect me to put together an entire concert in, like, a day?”

“Again, don’t blame me. Maybe if your desk wasn’t such chaos, you’d have figured out we sent these letters two weeks ago. Have you thought about getting an assistant, maybe?” I said, pointing a hoof over to where Smolder was standing. She was missing.

“Hey, I can barely afford to pay Octavia and Vinyl as is. Getting a roadie is totally out of the question. Nobody in this town appreciates my talent. Besides, I’ve got to close shop now. Tchaiclopsky isn’t going to plagiarize itself.”

“I feel you. Have fun and hope that Luna doesn’t kill you for screwing up. Now, I have a dragon to track down.”

Now, if I knew Smolder, which I liked to think I did since I literally hatched and raised her, she would be doing something impossibly lame. Like discussing acoustic music or drinking tea or playing dress up. I know she’s basically still a kid but please, grow up.

I walked around Ponyville looking for her for a while and I was still impressed by how drab these ponies managed to make everything look. Do they not know different colors of paint exist or something? Anyway, eventually, I found a place that my dragon might be: A dress store. And, due to some miraculous twist of fate, the Flare Garden was also apparently where Sunny Flare lived and she was apparently in charge of making sure Ponyville was appropriately decorated. Judging from what I’d seen so far, she better have a good excuse or I’m breaking out the Stun spells again.

I found Smolder covered in something gay with too many frills sipping herbal tea and discussing court politics with an Earth Pony. I’m going to have to talk about that, that’s the second one today. At least this one was sort of cute. In a prim and proper and prissy sort of way.

“Hey! Quit your tea party. You’ve got work to do.” I yelled, causing both of them to jump half a yard into the air and spill their drinks.

“Well excuse me, who do you think you are bursting into my store and shouting orders like some kind of hooligan?”

“I think I’m Sunset Shimmer.”

“Oh, well, in that case, please excuse me. I was merely entertaining a guest.” Sunny said, nodding to Smolder, who was currently trying and failing to hide under the table.

“You’re taking a break? But you’ve barely done anything? This place looks more boring than, well, having a tea party.”

“I’m afraid that’s the point, dearie. Princess Luna’s orders were to go for a minimalist style. You see, it’s a reference to the Solar Rebellion, in which the harsh conditions brought about by the rise of Daybreaker drove thousands into poverty. The Winter Night Festival commemorates the-”

“Cute excuse. I don’t care.”

“Sunny’s right, actually.” Said Smolder, banging her head while emerging from underneath the table, “The orders specifically requested an iconoclastic celebration.”

“You’re off the hook. For now.” 

“Thank you! Say, you wouldn’t happen to live in Canterlot, would you, dearie?”

“Where else would I live? I’m literally Luna’s protégé. Of course, I stay in Canterlot, you backward-living twit.”

“Oh, sorry. It’s just that I’ve heard that it’s a spectacularly beautiful city, filled with art and culture and magnificent fashion. I’d love to visit someday. I’ve heard the ponies there are absolute gentlemares.”

“I guess? I mean, it does have amazing nightclubs. So, if you’re looking to get drunk and laid, you’d be in the right place.”

“I see. Well, I thought that since you’re, well you, you could maybe tell me a little bit more about it, over coffee maybe?”

“Make it an Hayrish coffee and then take away the coffee and you have a deal. For a glass of whiskey right now, I’ll tell you everything you want to know about Blueblood, Fancy Pants, Shining Armor or any other white-coated prick that’s hit on me.”

Sunny’s gaze drifted off towards the floor. “Well, I’ll need to go shopping, but a nightcap could certainly be arranged, yes.”

“Cool. I’ll be back here by sundown.” I said, levitating Smolder out the door behind me before she got any funny ideas about pretending she was Cadance. 

The next few tasks I finished fairly quickly. The other denizens of Ponyville had about three personalities between them and those were stupid, ignorant, and pointlessly overenthusiastic. That was, until, I came to Sugarcoat. She was the opposite of all those things. Depending on how you look at it, it was almost a good thing that she was a schoolteacher.

I’d been putting off talking to her because, frankly, I am not too fond of foals. I was one once and I regretted it. My idiot brother still is, even though he’s five years older than me and is engaged to Luna’s niece. How Sunburst did that, I will never know. But, like all mentally underdeveloped ponies, he thought his opinions mattered and he was wrong about that.

I waited until the stampede of colts and fillies was a safe distance away before approaching the schoolhouse. How any education at all took place in a one-room building that smelled like stale cheese and chalk was beyond me, but a grey Unicorn was currently attempting to perform some of it anyway. Her subject, a gangly-looking yokel of an Earth Pony, was currently squirming in her desk while Sugarcoat subjected her to a monotone explanation of how telekinesis worked.

“Hey. I am interrupting anything?” I said, knocking for once because I felt like a change.

“No! Please, oh please come in!” Yelled the filly before her teacher had a chance to open her mouth.

“I presume you’re Sunset Shimmer. I received your letter and the play is ready to perform. All the students know their lines and I can personally assure you that my assistant has it all under control. If you have any questions about that, talk to Cheerilee. I'm busy here.” 

“Okay then. Well, that’s four ponies in this town who’re vaguely competent.”

“Exactly. Now, if you excuse me, Applejack here needs to understand Unicorn magic for the test and I doubt she’ll learn that with you standing here and distracting her. Please leave.”

“Aren’t you just a barrel of laughs? Listen, kid, if you want to know something works, you have to actually try it. You’re not going to learn anything sitting in a classroom and being bored out of your mind.”

“I know that Miss Shimmer, but I can’t do any telekinesis cause I ain’t got no horn.” She drawled, removing her oversized Stetson.

“Yeah, I know that. But you’re still a pony. You can still do magic. Go out and, I don’t know, farm something. If Mud Pony magic works anything like mine does, you should feel a kick when your plants start growing right.”

To my surprise, the filly actually started taking notes. Sugarcoat stood to one side, the only expression on her face being a single raised eyebrow. I took it as a sign to continue.

“Basically, all pony magic gives us control over something. For Pegasi, that thing is air. For you Earth Ponies, that thing is ground. For me and teach over there, that thing is everything in the universe because we’re the best.”

“Unicorns is the best.” Applejack muttered while writing, “Wait just one gosh-darned minute, that ain’t-”

“No kid, it’s true. Why do you think we get to live in all the cool places? Anyway, you channel this control into making the land do what you want it to do. Imagine you’re growing a cabbage and-”

“Apples. My family grows apples.”

“Okay, fine, apples. Literally doesn’t matter. Imagine you’re growing an apple plant and you want it to grow big. You tell it to, right?”

“Yeah, we do actually talk to our trees. How’d you know? Ain’t nopony else in Ponyville does that for their crops.”

“Intuition. But back to the point, telekinesis is like that. I use my brain to talk to objects or sometimes particularly disobedient dragons and make them move around. Got it?”

The filly smiled and nodded. Sugarcoat inclined her head a quarter of an inch and twitched her lips.

“I’m impressed. I’ve been trying to tell her that the whole afternoon. Maybe you should become the teacher here instead. After all, I only took this job as a stepping stone to the EEC. I'm sure I could find more capable students in Trottingham.”

“Yeah, thanks but no thanks, I’d rather be tortured to death by some pointlessly complicated contraption in a basement somewhere than spend another minute in this place. Have fun with your play, goodbye.”

With that, I walked out the schoolhouse and back through the bland streets to Sunny’s place. At least this place’s eye-gougingly boring atmosphere made sense. But what did Luna think she was going to accomplish here? Sure, I’ll follow her orders, but only so far allowing me to keep my status as her personal student and, more importantly, the money that comes with it. Hanging around this place sure isn’t going to instill a work ethic in me. Either that or she wants me to make friends, which is something I’d rather be baked into cupcakes than do. Friends are for people who aren’t me and therefore need other people to like them past their looks and bank balance. But I’m me, the most talented Unicorn in all of Equestria.

“Uh, Sunset?” Smolder asked.

“What?”

“You’re thinking out loud again.”
> Every day a little more you've been dying
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

After ordering Smolder to go find an inn or something to spend the night in and stop pointing out my thoughts, I finished my walk back to the Flare Garden. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, ponies are not good at naming things. We just aren’t. I mean, like what kind of egotistical moron names her house after her? And before any hypothetical dragons correct me, the Sundowner is completely different and also a delicious cocktail. The fact that I created it is completely coincidental.

“Ah, you came!” Sunny said, opening the door. She was wearing clothes. If I cared about fashion, I’d guess that the midnight-blue dress and star earrings actually complimented her green coat and pink mane pretty well.

“Obviously I came. This town doesn’t have a bar.”

“Well, do come in. I picked out an apple brandy. It was the best I could get on such short notice.” 

“Sounds cool. Lead the way.” I said. Sunny proceeded to show me through her store, making insipid comments about her choice of material or cut of the dress or whatever. I smiled and nodded until we got to her living room. Two couches and an armchair sat around a fireplace. A few bookshelves held bad mystery novels and spy romances. Tacky art hung on the walls. There was a bottle and two champagne glasses on the coffee table.

“Do make yourself at home,” Sunny said, taking a seat on the couch, gesturing for me to join her.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“What would that be?”

“The fire. It isn’t there.”

“Oh! I’m so sorry, are you cold? Should I get you a blanket?”

“Not really. But thanks for the chance to show off.” I said, preparing a Heat spell. The cyan ray hit the dry wood and it burst instantly into flames. I sat down after that, next to Sunny.

“That was quite impressive.” She said, reaching to pour the brandy.

“Again, wrong. You can’t pour brandy into that.”

“Why not, dearie? They’re rather nice glasses, don’t you think? The crystal really does make the firelight look quite marvelous.” 

“Yeah, they look cool but that’s not how you drink it. I hate to say this, but there are actually rules here.”

She frowned, “I’m sorry, I’m quite new to this.”

“I guessed. It’s not really a problem, I mean it’ll still taste fine but it looks kind of trashy.”

“Go on.”

“I mean, that’s a major faux pas in Canterlot. They’d literally kick you out of some places for trying that.” I lied. Well, maybe they would at Zesty Gourmand’s restaurant, but the sort of places I went to generally served everything either by the bottle or in a rocks glass. Sunny shot out of the couch like I’d set it on fire and galloped into what was presumably her kitchen.

I sat back and levitated the bottle over to me. Bright Mac’s Genuine Applejack it said. The label showed a smiling Earth Pony standing next to a vaguely familiar filly, presumably his daughter. I had a sip. It was fine. Not the best I’ve ever had but far from the worst. It tasted like a combination of apples and transmission fluid. Don’t ask how I know what the latter tastes like. Cloudsdale gets wild during the winter.

Sunny returned shortly afterward, carrying a tray with two actually appropriate snifters and a platter of cheese and crackers.

“Great,” I said, taking the platter and carving myself half a block of brie. “I’m starving.”

“Oh, yes, I do suppose you haven’t found a restaurant yet, considering that you are new around town.”

“Not like I plan on staying.”

“I see, but you absolutely must try Chevelle Café before you leave. The chef there, Sour Sweet, is simply unbelievable in the kitchen.”

“I couldn’t believe her in the foyer either.”

“You met her?”

“That bitch tried to make me pay to get her carpets cleaned,” I said, eating another slice of cheese.

“I’m terribly sorry to hear that. Sour isn’t very good at first impressions. But how have you been finding the rest of the town, dearie?” Sunny asked, finally pouring me a drink.

“Pretty boring. Lemon’s cool but, honestly, the rest can go to Tartarus.”

Sunny’s smile dropped right off her face. That was not an improvement. Though I'm actually pretty surprised it could move, considering how much makeup she was coated in.

“Excluding you, obviously. You’re cool too.”

“Thank you. That means quite a bit coming from a Canterlot Unicorn and Luna’s personal student.”

“Sure thing. But I’m still leaving tomorrow, after your little party. I sort of blew off a date with Fleur de Lis to be here right now and she does not like to be kept waiting.”

“You know Fleur?” Sunny shouted.

“Know her? Yeah, you could say that. She and I know each other pretty well. Fancy Pants’ head almost exploded when he found out. It was in the papers for weeks. Or don’t you get those out here?”

“We certainly get the papers. I just didn’t make the connection between you and her.”

“What, you think that there’s like two Sunset Shimmers running around Canterlot?”

“Well, that world always just seemed so far away. I didn’t believe you’d actually come here, to Ponyville, to my store.”

“I’m here now, alright. And you fulfilled the end of the bargain so ask away.”

“What bargain? I don’t recall making any deals.”

“I said I’d tell you about Canterlot in exchange for a glass of something that’d get me drunk. And here we are, drinking Applejack and eating cheese and crackers. I repeat, ask away.”

“Oh, you were serious about that. Just give me a second then, I think I have a list somewhere.” Sunny said, rushing out of the room again.

Have I mentioned yet that I hate lists? Anyway, she turned over half her workshop looking for the damn piece of paper. It was kind of impressive to watch, actually. She moved pretty gracefully, and I guess choking down Sour’s food must do you some kind of good because she had a figure to kill for. Which, on an unrelated note, is how I got my own figure. Don’t worry though, Tirek totally had it coming. And she wasn’t exactly to shy where she moved her tail either, giving me quite a good view.

“I found it, Sunset!” Sunny said after a few minutes, dragging a notebook out from under a pile of cloth.

“Good for you. Where do we begin?”

“On the couch,” Sunny said, taking my hoof.

“Hey, hold on. Are you a filly-fooler?”

She blushed bright red and let go of me. Good. I don’t like being touched. I like touching. “Is that a problem?” She asked.

“Obviously not. It was a question.”

“I’m not. I just thought you might want to sit down since I’ve got a lot of questions.”

Sure, you did, Sunny. Sure. You just so happened to put on an expensive perfume and a cute dress and wave your flanks in the air because you’re enamored with my culture and you’re trying to be hospitable. And yeah, I still don’t care about fashion. I just know what Trop Cher smells like because it’s Fleur’s favorite and I bought her a bottle of it while she was still cheating on Fancy.

“Sure. I’ve still got a bottle of brandy to finish anyway.” I said, walking back to the living room, in-denial mare behind me.

“You’re seriously going to drink an entire bottle of Applejack in one sitting, dearie?”

“Hey, you’re welcome to join me.”

“Well, when in Canterlot…”

“Exactly. Cheers.” I said, refilling the glasses, levitating one over to Sunny and clinking them together. “Now, the questions.”

“Excellent. Question one: Tell me your entire life story, and don’t leave anything out.”

Funny. She wants to hear about all the times I woke up hangover on somebody else’s front lawn. Well, whatever gets your rocks off. I am so glad I learned the Headache Removal spell in my second year with Luna.

“I suppose you can skip those parts. Unless that’s some high-society tradition I haven’t heard of.”

“What?”

“You were thinking out loud, Sunset.”

So, Smolder was right. I do do that. Here I thought dragons could just read minds.

“Excuse me?”

“Never mind. And yeah, waking up in random places after a night of partying is totally Canterlot culture. I mean, this one time I went out clubbing with Shining Armor and he woke up naked in a palace fountain. He was so mad that I’d drawn a pair of balls on his forehead so his horn looked like a dick, I thought he was going to kill me…”

“... And that's why I gave up on this whole ambition shtick and focused on trying to drink every vintage of wine in the world. Turns out life as an aristocrat is way more fun with you can leave all the governing to your nutjob sister-in-law...”
> Dying to reach the setting sun
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The second I woke up, I knew something was wrong. I was lying on somepony else’s couch and I was covered in something vaguely sticky and my brain hurt and I felt like throwing up and the sun was in my eyes. The first two were to be expected, and I considered them a part of my daily routine. But hangovers and sunlight were things can fuck right off as far as I’m concerned.

Firstly, I had specifically engineered a spell to prevent headaches. Well, I had technically converted one used to treat Meningitis into my own personal hangover cure but the general sentiment remains. I should be feeling fine right now, not blowing chunks on Sunny’s table.

Secondly, Indigo Zap is in deep shit. Legally, I don’t have the authority to execute ponies, even really annoying public nuisances with stupid headgear. But I’m sure I spin that into being self-defense. When I find that Pegasus, I am going to shove the sun up her ass. That’s right, the sun. It’s out and that’s her fault and I’m in too much pain to care about the logistics of fucking a pony with a literal celestial body right about now.

After wiping my face off a blanket and then throwing it over the worst of the mess, remind me never to mix brie and brandy ever again, I set out to track down my dragon and maybe also find a shower. That and breakfast, definitely breakfast.

“Good afternoon, Sunset. How’re you feeling?” Sunny said, painfully loudly, once I had walked into the storefront.

“Oh, yeah. I crashed in your house. I feel like cold shit warmed up, thanks for asking. My back’s killing me and I’m awake before noon. Get me coffee.”

“I thought you said you didn’t like coffee.”

“Either that or Bucks Fizz but considering your level of general knowledge, I’ll go for coffee. I take it black, like my heart.”

Sunny, who was apparently one of those abominations known as “morning ponies”, walked over to a coffee maker and started fidgeting with that. I started poking around the top floor of her house for a shower before I accidentally smelled my self and threw up again. 

Her bed was one of those four-poster things with satin sheets and fourteen pillows and a herd of stuffed animals. It looked annoyingly soft and comfortable compared to the couch. I found the shower and was just about to step into it when Sunny walked into the bathroom, carrying a mug of steaming coffee.

“Don’t you knock?!”

“Oh, I’m so sorry!” She said, dropping the coffee.

“I really didn’t need to hear the sound of breaking glass this early in the morning.” I said, wincing.

“Dearie, it’s seven in the evening. I was about to wake you up for the Winter Night Festival. After all the work you did yesterday, I didn’t think you’d want to miss it.”

“What? You tellin' me I slept through an entire day? How come the sun’s still up then? It’s supposed to be the longest night of winter.”
“Don’t look at me. I’m just as confused as you are. But I really think we should get going. As fashionable as being late is, Ponyville never really grew attached to that particular tradition.”

I pointed to myself with a hoof. I was still covered in mud and brandy and vomit. “Thanks, but I’d rather be late than arrive looking like this.”

“I could lend you a dress and perfume. It’d probably be faster than trying to shampoo all of… that out your coat.”

“Fine. Just make it simple, alright? I’m not really one for frills or pomp.”

Fifteen minutes later and two bottles of Trop Cher later and I could impersonate a survivor of the Great Taffeta Massacre. I was also standing outside Sour Sweet's restaurant, the place being used as a town hall while the last was being repaired or something. I guess the weird shit that lives in the forest sometimes gets out. At least, that’s what Lemon Zest said.

“Well, let's get this over with,” I said, shoving through the crowd outside the building, pushing open the doors. The café was more puritan than ever, its tables and bland wall art were replaced with rows of fold-out chairs and pastel orange banners respectively. I found my seat in the front row, with a placard taped to it.

S. Shimmer, Royal Diplomat to Ponyville

Nice, an upgrade from Royal Parasite, which was the last thing Luna titled me. Although that was after a pretty heated argument. I may have accidentally steered the Moon a little too close to the ground and caused a tidal wave. Big deal, it wasn’t like anypony in Manehattan actually died. At least, not anypony I knew. Luna did not let me help out with heavenly bodies after that. Not even her own, a real shame considering that she made Fluer de Lis look like, well, Sunny Flare.

Smolder took her obligatory place hovering a few feet above my head and the townsfolk filed in pretty quickly after that. For some reason, Sugarcoat decided to sit next to me. Luckily, she regretted that decision.

“What happened to you? Did you fall in a trough of pig slop before coming here?” She asked, crinkling her nose.

“It’s called Trop Cher, dearie. It’s terribly vogue.” Sunny piped up from behind us.

“I’m sure the pigs must love it. But please, next time actually bathe before attending an official government ceremony. Some people look forward to these things, you know.”

“I pity them. This the lowlight of my month.”

“Then keep your mouth shut. You might learn something. That and your breath stinks worse than the rest of you.”

“Hey, at least I can actually pull off the ‘ungroomed beauty’ look. You just look like a rat who wasted her night correcting some snot-nosed brat’s homework.”

Sugarcoat adjusted her glasses. Usually, insulting somebody’s career gets a bigger rise out of them. I guess I’ll have to dig deeper.

“For your information, I was discussing the script with my assistant. She had slipped in some rather unorthodox edits.”

“Hear that, everypony? Sugarcoat here spent all night slipping things into Cheerilee! Who’d have guessed, your goody-four-shoes teacher is actually a pervert!”

“I will kill you. I will peel your skin like a potato. I will hammer nails into your hooves. I will-”

“Shut up, both you.” Smolder interrupted, “The show’s about to start.”

The dragon was right. A pink-maned Earth Pony had found her way onto the stage, accompanied by a small army of guards. She tapped the microphone expectantly until one of Lemon’s bandmates looked up from her magazine and turned it on. A wave of feedback screeched through the audience. Off to a great start.

“Good evening, fellow ponies. I’m honored to welcome you to the 897th Annual Winter Night Festival. Before we commence with the festivities proper, I feel obligated to provide a brief explanation of the history behind this event, for those newcomers in our audience.” Droned the Mayor.

I had suddenly realized why I was seated so far to the front. It wasn’t because I was apparently a diplomat or anything because Equestria’s actually pretty lax with seating arrangements, at least, compared to the Yaks anyway. Uptight bastards. But great fun at parties, as long as their aimed at somepony else. No, I was stuck right in front under the watchful eye of ten Royal Guards because of a little thing called my fondness for levitating stuff out of ponies’ hooves.

How I wished to throw a wineglass at that idiot politician. Boring. Or maybe at one of her bodyguards. If it aimed it right, I reckon I could land it on his spear. That would certainly liven things up a bit.

“… And that’s the significance of the traditional carols. Without any more ado, let’s begin.” The Mayor finished, hours later.

“Two thousand and five. A personal record.” Sugarcoat whispered.

“What?” Sunny asked.

“Two thousand and five assorted historical inaccuracies, grammatical errors and non-fluency features. And we voted for this pony.”

“What’s next then, your little play right?” I said, looking over the event schedule. It did not inspire.

As if by cue, a little horde of foals stumbled and tripped their way onto the stage, covered in the gaudiest costumes I’ve seen. Seriously, these things put Luna’s own treasury to shame. There was not a single filly there not wearing a dress with at least thirty rhinestones on it. After their procession had ended along with the applause, and all of the tykes were corralled into something resembling order, the assistant teacher walked on stage.

“Good evening, Ponyville. Here is our school’s play detailing the events Mayor Mare has just discussed. Hopefully, our version will be a bit more entertaining.”

I hope so too.

“So please, give them another big round of applause; we all worked very hard on this.” Cheerilee said, clapping herself off.

“In the beginning, there were two sisters.” Lisped a narrator, “The older sister controlled the Sun. Her name was Celestia.”

A filly wearing a multi-colored wig and a few pounds of costume jewelry walked on stage to yet another round of applause. She took a bow and then nodded, her fake her nearly slipping off her head as an orange disk was paraded around the stage.

“Her younger sister and our Princess controlled the Moon. Her name was Luna.”

Princess Luna herself proceeded to materialized on stage or, at least, her severed head did.
> As a child, with your mind on the horizon
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

All Tartarus had basically broken loose. Foals were screaming, mares were fainting, stallions were screaming and the Mayor and her guards were trying, failing, to keep order and Luna was dead!

Sunny had started crying. I didn’t know Alicorns could die. Sugarcoat shot a sleep spell at somepony. The formerly-starry mane had solidified into a limp blue. Lemon fiddled with the microphone, frantically trying to get it back on. She’s dead and she died angry at me. 

Indigo flew out to the door and screamed, falling back into the crowd, trying to beat the fire off herself. The way was blocked with a wall of flames and so were the windows. It was boiling inside. My teacher’s corpse began to smoke. Sour was shouting death threats at whatever killed her and set her restaurant alight. The flames stayed at the exits though, their crackling sounding almost like laughter.

A gigantic pony burst into view above Luna with a flash of burning light. She stood at twice my own height, with a mane and tail of pure fire. Her teeth were daggers and they twisted into a manic smile and her white coat was coated with hundreds of wounds and scratches, dripping blood onto the stage. She stamped a hoof covered in golden armor.

“My little ponies.” The Alicorn said.

The crowd stopped panicking.

“I have returned and this is the welcoming you give me? You would greet your god with a farcical play and a droning speech. Pathetic!”

Her voice boomed and knocked me out my chair. I hit the floor with a burst of pain. The fuck is happening? Luna's dead and who the fuck are you? Did you do this, you fire-haired elk?

“You’re… you’re Celestia, aren’t you?” Smolder stuttered, her head poking up from behind a chair.

“Correct, dragon. After a millennium trapped roasting in the Sun, it positively cools my heart to see that something still recognizes me.”

“Did you kill her? Luna?” 

“Of course, Unicorn. She was weak. She is unfit to rule Equestria. I, Daybreaker, am not. My reign begins today."

“Like Tartarus you are! A psycho like you ain’t fit to rule this country. Why don’t you buck off to wherever you came from?” Yelled a large stallion, standing up and pointing at the killer.

“Cute. It thinks it can win.” Daybreaker scoffed. She fired a ray of magic from her horn. It hit Bright Mac and turned him to ash.

“Pa!” Yelled a pair of foals, rushing over to cry over his remains. The rest of the crowd, me included, took a step back. Whatever this creature was, I did not plan on fighting it. I liked Luna. Okay, I loved Luna. She was like a mother to me. Well, more like a crazy aunt who’s really wise and also addicted to gambling, but I’m not about to go and get killed trying to avenge her. 

“And it begins, mortals. Dragon, take a note.”

Smolder obliged, terrified, and climbed out from under the furniture. After she had, a pen and stack of paper appeared in her claws. Both were ornate, decorated with gold leaf and sparkling filigree. Almost like a complete opposite of the orders Luna gave me.

“Until every Unicorn, Pegasus and Earth Pony swears their eternal and undying fealty to me, the Sun will remain in the sky. For every day this request goes unfulfilled, I shall draw it nearer to Equestria. In one day, your crops will wither and die. In one week, you water shall evaporate away. In one month, you will burst into flames. If one single pony refuses to comply, the world shall be destroyed. If one single pony lies or is insincere, I shall know and I will double the rate at which your homeland burns. Do not disappoint me, Equestria. Your lives do depend on it.

Signed, Daybreaker, Princess of the Sun”

The crowd stood in stunned silence. You know, that actually explained a lot. Like why I feel like shit and my magic isn’t working properly. Like why the Sun was still up even though it’s night-time. 

“Send that edict to every city, town, and village, Dragon. Once you have completed that task, prepare to be devoured.” Daybreaker said as a golden cage materialized around Smolder, trapping her inside with the stack of letters. She gulped and picked up the pace of her writing.

“Farewell, my little ponies. Once all of you are obedient, my Empire will truly begin. Until then, choose wisely.” The Alicorn said. Once finished, the air around her started to spark and smoke, slowly filling the room with fog. I dropped to the ground, trying to keep low and fire off a Teleport. The sooner I could get out of here, the sooner I could get back to Canterlot, and get Starlight Glimmer.

I used to hate the Princess of Equality more than anything. Except now I had a deranged megalomaniac to deal with and another Alicorn’s firepower might come in handy. But no matter how much magic I channeled into my horn, no matter how I commanded the space around me to twist and warp, nothing happened. I was stuck in the building, about to fry like bacon.

I started to cough. The smoke had started to cool, and sink. I gasped, and ripped a length of fabric off my dress and wrapped it around my face and started to crawl for the exit. From what little I could see through the grey clouds, the fire had cleared from that at least. I stayed close to the walls, keeping out the way of the stampeding horde. I had no real desire to get crushed to death tonight. Or today. Or whatever this screwed-up time is.

Something clicked in my mind. Magic. I finally had enough of it for a Teleport. I shot it off, picturing my bedroom back in the Palace. The world blurred and tore and warped and I reappeared moments later. Standing right outside the burning building. How convenient. I suppose I might as well at least try to save somepony if legging it isn’t an option anymore. At least Smolder is fireproof.

I shot a Demolition spell at the wall of the restaurant. It blew apart like a house of cards and I started grabbing anything vaguely pony-shaped with my magic and throwing it out the building. I heard a few nasty crunches but hey, better a broken leg than a burned-off face. After I few minutes of that, I felt like fainting myself. Ponyville had a way larger population than I’d guessed and damn, were those hicks heavy. Soon though, a few other Unicorns pitched in and we’d managed to get nearly everyone out before the roof caved in. I hope Smolder’s alright, but then again that cage looked pretty much indestructible and I doubt Daybreaker would seriously follow through on her threat. After all, what’s the point of ruling over an empty desert?

“Sunset! I’m so glad you’re okay!” Sunny said, pushing through the crowd of survivors and trying to hug me to death.

“I’m not okay. The closest thing I had to a parent just got incinerated and I don’t have a fucking idea what to do next.”

“Oh. Oh, yes. I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t want your sympathy. Let go. I’m going to try and figure out how to fix this.”

“Face it, we screwed. There’s no way in Equestria we can kill an Alicorn.” Sugarcoat said, brushing the ash off her coat.

“Bullshit. I’m the most powerful Unicorn in Equestria. If anypony can take out Daybreaker, it's me.” I said, starting back to Sunny’s house, which seemed like as good a place as any to start trying to figure out how I was going to save the world.

“And Daybreaker is an Alicorn. She’d kill you and barely break a sweat. Look, Sunset, this is suicide. I don’t think even Starlight Glimmer could defeat her. Did you see what she did?”

“Yeah, Sugarcoat, I saw it. And that’s why I’m going to murder her. I just need to figure out how first.”

“Have fun spending the rest of your life in my library then.” She said, before starting back to her house.

“Great. If you have a library, why don’t you show the Magic section? Maybe something there could help?” I said. Okay, this is officially the worst-case scenario. I am actually planning to open a book and learn something. And it only took the Princess being killed to make it happen.

“Fine. Considering how much alcohol you’re covered in, maybe you’ll make a pretty fireball when you die pointlessly.”

“Lead the way.”





I had spent the last two hours dying of boredom in a library and had nothing to show for it. To her credit, Sugarcoat had at least tried to help, in between bouts of reprimanding me for ignoring her sorting system. Listen, you grey-haired misanthrope, I might not know much about books or about how to sort them but I can pretty safely say that nonfiction does not go in alphabetical order. Seriously, you go to all the trouble of hollowing out a damn tree and then you half-ass the part of the job that actually matters?

But I’m getting distracted. I still feel like shit and I can’t focus. The town’s still chaos and nobody’s actually taken charge of that mess since the Mayor’s currently buried until half a ton of rubble along with everypony else in this place that could qualify as a community leader.

“Tea, dearie? You look terribly parched.” Said Sunny, walking into the room, carrying a tray and a stack of books.

“Fuck it, sure. Trying to down a cup of that poison’s probably going to be more useful than committing suicide by bookcase.”

“Maybe you should go back to bed? That and a shower would probably do wonders right about now.” Sunny offered, giving me a cup of tea. I levitated it down on a shelf.

“I’m not sleeping until I figure this out. I’ve pulled all-nighters before, I’ll live.”

“I do suppose you have, but still, I don’t think your teacher was murdered last time you needed to.”

“Shut up. Don’t talk about her.”

“I’m sorry. I guess I’ll go now then.” She said, starting out of the room. Just as she reached the door, she turned, “Do keep in mind that I’m here if you need me.”

“I don’t. Like, go do first aid on ponies or something.”

She sighed and walked out. I returned to scanning the treehouse for anything of use. Of course, being stuck in a mostly Earth Pony town in the middle of nowhere didn’t mean Sugarcoat exactly had a large stock of anything magical. The most information I actually found about this Daybreaker pony was in a book of fairy tales. She played the role of a bogeyman, the sort of thing that parents would threaten their children with if the brats didn’t choke down their vegetables. I am glad I never had to go through any of that. It sounds equal parts tooth-rottingly saccharine and brain-rottingly boring.

Anyway, according to Everfree Fairy Tales, Daybreaker was originally Celestia, Luna’s older sister and bearer of the Sun. That much I remember from Cheerilee’s play. Following off of that, Celestia apparently went batshit crazy and tried to kill her sister over something that effectively boiled down to an argument over whether pancakes or waffles were better. She then flips her shit and turns into Daybreaker and starts murdering ponies right and left until Luna eventually finds this set of magical artifacts and banished her sister to the Moon, thereby cementing the supremacy of waffles for millennia to come.

The artifacts themselves sounded like the key here. Sure, Luna could take Daybreaker in a fight easy, she was smarter and faster and didn’t resort to mindlessly incinerating everything. But the thing is, Alicorns are immortal. Killing her wouldn’t solve the problem, it’d only delay for a few weeks until Celestia’s body reformed and the whole schlep restarted. So Luna had to track down these six bits of pure magic called The Elements of Harmony and use those to give her sister the time out of the century by sticking her crazy ass in the Sun for all eternity.

Like, talk about punishment, okay? The storybook played this off in a single sentence but, shit, that is pretty metal. I mean, imagine spending a thousand years having your flesh roasted off but never actually dying from it. No wonder Daybreaker’s first act as Princess was to kill her own sister. If I had one, I probably would too. I’m still going to stop her though.

“Any luck, Sunset Shimmer? Or has the smoke damage finally started affecting your brain functions?” Sugarcoat asked.

“Yeah, actually.”

“Good. Do you want me to get a helmet for you, or should I just arrange a padded cell at the inn?”

“No, you cunt, I mean that I have an answer.”

Sugarcoat blinked. “What?”

“You heard me, I figured out how to take out Daybreaker and save the world. You’re welcome.”

“That’s a storybook. I read to the foals every Hearth’s Warming. You know those things aren’t factually correct, right?” She said, pointing to the book.

“Hey, if it’s a choice between old mare’s tales and being roasted alive, I’ll pick the former.”

“The choice also includes being a sensible pony and just accepting her as your new ruler. As far as we know, she might actually be reasonable.”

“If genocide if reasonable, then I’m a fucking saint. Sugarcoat, are you even listening to yourself? This is our only shot. There’s no way in Tartarus every single damn pony is actually going to sell themselves into slavery here.”

“Then I don’t suppose we have a choice.”

“No, dumbass, we never did. Now, if you excuse me, I am going to the Everfree Forest and fetching the Elements before things start catching fire.” I said, walking out of the library and taking the book. I left the tea.

The wave of heat hit me like a train. The sun had definitely gotten closer. I starting sweating instantly and nearly tripped over my own hooves and fell face first into the yellow grass.

“Hey, careful there. I don’t want you dying on us, Sunset.” Lemon Zest said, catching me.

“Thanks, but I’m not going just yet. Now, if you excuse me, I have a world to save.”

“It’s really brave of you to try that all on your own. And by brave, I mean stupid! Are you insane?” Sour Sweet said, standing next to Lemon.

“Yeah. I always wanted to kill an Alicorn.” Indigo Zap said, kicking the air.

“And besides, Sunset, I think its probably for the best if we actually arrange some supplies before venturing into the Everfree Forest.” Sunny agreed.

“There’s no ‘we’ here. I work best alone.”

“Trust me, you don’t. The entire time you’ve been here, you’ve had your assistant telling you what to do next. And then when she was captured, you came running to me.” Sugarcoat said, walking out of her library.

“I keep Smolder around for admin. Not for fighting. Have you seen her? And here I thought Dragons weren’t all cowards.”

“Hey, if I can kick your flank, so can Daybreaker,” Indigo said, landing next to me.

“And besides, a little backup wouldn’t hurt. That and that fiery-haired bitch trashed my restaurant and I’m going to hack her wings off myself and melt her stupid crowndown into gold ingots.”

“Fine. I need somepony to carry my stuff anyway. If you ponies really want to play heroes, meet me here in an hour.

Sunny and I walked back to her house in silence, after ignoring her the first few times, she got the message. My head still pounded and I doubt inhaling half a lung of smoke made that problem any better. We stepped into the store and I headed for the bathroom while Sunny busied herself with packing supplies or mourning her melted sister or whatever.

Even after I turned the cold tap all the way on, the water was still steaming hot. Her shampoo smelled like cotton candy. I considered using magic to comb the thousands of knots out my mane, but the dull thump in my skull intensified after lighting my horn. I stopped, and the headache almost started going away. I grabbed a brush with my mouth and used that. I was years out of practice after using magic to do everything, it was almost scary. How weak I was after just one day of everything falling to shit.

It occurred to me that Luna wasn’t dead. Well, not exactly. She was immortal after all. But, at the time, I hadn’t exactly realized that because 99% of ponies actually die when they’re killed. And even after that, it’d take her months probably to put herself back together and that’s only if Daybreaker didn’t do something before that. I decided not to let that happen. I turned off the taps and grabbed a towel, wrapped it around my mane and walked out of the room.

Sunny was lying on the bed. Not particularly erotically or anything, she was just there and paging through a book. Which sort of made sense, considering this was her room. “Are you alright Sunset?” She asked, sitting up.

“Yeah. I’ll live. You’re out of shampoo by the way.” I said, starting for the door.

“You know you can talk to me, right? You really don’t look alright.” She said, following.

“I’ve got a Dragon for sappy shit. I don’t need a complete stranger to vent to. Let’s just get this Daybreaker thing over with and then maybe I’ll think about us and having a heartfelt conversation.”

“Okay. Okay then. I packed you a rucksack, by the way. It can’t hurt to be prepared.” Sunny said, pushing a heavy bag of useless junk into my hooves.

“Sure. Thanks. I’ll be really happy that I got a bag of cookies and a thermos of tea standing between me and a pissed-off fire god. Let’s just go, okay? We’re literally burning daylight here.”
> Over corpses
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, I had not figured the Everfree was a forest. As far as I knew, the place was a castle. Apparently said castle was inside the forest because that’s totally a wise and tactical place to stick the capital city of your nation. Hanging around the entrance with me were the usual suspects, Sunny and Sugarcoat and their vaguely memorable friends. At least, I think they’re friends. Didn’t care to ask.

“Alright, Sunset, do you have a plan or do you propose we walk in there are get torn apart by two manticores and a Zebra?” Sugarcoat said.

“Of course, I have a plan. I always have a plan.”

“Good for you, now stop being a cryptic shithead and tell us what it is.” Sour said.

“We find the castle. We get the Elements. We use said Elements to put Daybreaker back in the Sun.”

“Nice, a simple plan.” Lemon Zest said, a gratingly cheerful grin on her face.

“She was being laconic, dearie.” Sunny said.

“For a simple mare. What if we’re ambushed, or the Alicorn tries to stop us? Then what?” Sugarcoat asked.

“Then I bust its ribcage open with this!” Indigo said, hoisting a spear. “You got any other stupid questions, teach, or can we go and save the world?”

“Go ahead. It’s only our funeral.” Sugarcoat said, staring into the jungle. We followed on hoof, the low branches and clusterfuck of spiderwebs making it impossible for the Pegasi to fly.

The Everfree Forest was surprisingly cool. Not in a trendy way or whatever, I normally wouldn’t be caught dead in here, but the trees were close enough to blot out the Sun. Which was good, because I think I was starting to get sunburnt and I’m named after the bloody thing. Sugarcoat looked like she was about to melt.

We walked for what felt like hours, the other mares bickering about irrelevant bullshit, making it hard to hear our own hoofsteps. Or anything else’s. I had no idea what kind of creature lurks in this place, and I wasn’t about to find out either. Sunny had the prudence to actually pack something useful, a lantern, and that managed to illuminate the shadowed and gloomy paths decently enough for us all to see. Good thing she had it too because my horn was the only part of me that still felt like it was on fire after escaping the café and Sugarcoat didn’t look too much better herself, panting and puffing as we navigated the undergrowth. She’d taken a position at the back of our line, with Indigo and Sour hacking through the plants with a halberd and meat cleaver respectively. Come to think of it, why the heck does that Pegasus even have a cleaver? We are vegetarians after all. 

A ragged screech settlement Sour and Lemon’s argument over their preferred genre of music. Screamo was on the list, and it apparently came attached to some kind of giant buck-toothed lizard with a pair of wings and balls of fire for eyes. It was twice as tall as me, covered in a combination of bits of dead forest creature and dull green scales and it lunged for Sunny.

I threw up a Shield spell, causing another spike of pain to shoot into my skull. The Jabberwocky’s claws scratched uselessly into the cyan wall and it burbled in anger. Indigo whipped around her weapon and stared the beast down. Sour joined her and Lemon and Sunny cowered behind Sugarcoat’s own magic shield.

The creature circled around the clearing on all fours, limping slightly from where its knife-like claw bashed against my magic. Sour lunged at it, kicking off the forest floor and swinging at the thing’s neck with her cleaver. I heard two cracks as Sour smashed into a tree on the opposite side on the path. The first was the Jabberwocky’s tail breaking the sound barrier. The second was Sour Sweet’s leg and the limb bent so far to the side that it scraped her cutie mark.

The monster whiffled and pounced. I managed to teleport aside just as its jaws snapped close. Reappearing behind Sugarcoat, I grit my teeth and starting channeling more magic. The other Unicorn’s face was twisted in concentration, the ponies behind her staggering back as I popped into existence. Indigo batted off the beast’s next swipe with her halberd, giving the Jabberwocky a good cut across its arm. Sour Sweet stayed down.

“What the? What is that thing?” Lemon said.

“Jabberwocky. Didn’t you read the poem?”

“Uh, no. Should I have?”

“It was very pretty but rather hard to understand. Perhaps we ought to run instead?” Sunny said.

“Probably a good plan. Haul ass and I’ll find you later. Let the adults handle this, alright?” I said, seconds before Sugarcoat’s barrier gave out and the Unicorn nearly collapsed to the floor.

“I’ll go too. Good luck. I think you’ll need it.” She said, following after the other mares.

I turned back to the Jabberwocky. It traded blow after blow with the Pegasus soldier and neither of them looked to be enjoying the experience. Indigo’s peach fur was coated in dozens of cuts and gashes from where the monster’s jaws had bit her and its claws had caught her. I chucked a Stun spell. For once, the azure ray hit its mark, the fire in the lizard’s eyes momentarily dulling as the thing lurched forward, right into Indigo’s spear.

“Finally! Eat shit and die, you stupid manxome cocksucker!” She said, drawing the point out the thing’s chest, ramming it again afterward.

Said thing being mostly dead by this point, I went to check out Sour. The mare was still breathing, at least. Unconscious and with an ugly gash running the length of her shoulders, but alive. I put together a Healing spell after calling Indigo over.

“Kinda busy right now, Shimmer! This thing ain’t gonna fuck up itself!” She shouted, hacking at the Jabberwocky’s corpse.

“General piece of advice, Birdbrain, if it's in more than six pieces, its dead!” I yelled back.

“I’m not taking chances. These Everfree shitheads don’t like staying down.”

“I think its down. Stop stabbing it and go get the others and let’s keep going.”

“You do it. I’m gonna carve my name in it.”

“I can’t do it because I’m trying to stabilize Sour. Quit playing around and start helping.”

“Fine. You boneheads are always telling us what to do anyway. What’s another order going to hurt?” Indigo said, holstering her spear and starting back down the dark line of stone.

I kept pumping magic into Sour. By now, some color had returned to her cheeks and her legs were mostly pointing in a healthy direction again. I doubt she’ll be running any marathons but, hey, that’s why she’s got wings. After another few minutes of that, the pain started to interfere with my vision. I shut off the horn and took a step back. Everything was in the right place. Not bad.

Sour flicked open an eyelid, “Not bad? Aww, that so sweet, stop checking me out, you pervert!”

“You nearly died. I saved your life and glued your spine back together. If I want to look, I’ll look.”

“Yeah, maybe look at something else before I stick my knife up your ass.”

“Glad to see you’re alright too. Listen, Sour, the others are almost back, let’s just stick a pin in this argument and revisit it when a madpony isn’t trying to cook us alive. That look okay to you?”

“Fine. But you’re still banned from Chevelle Café.”

“Like I wanted to visit that smoking lump of rubble anyway.”

Indigo returns triumphant, an exhausted Sugarcoat literally in tow, her tail wrapped around Indigo’s spear. Following them were Sunny and Lemon, looking offensively surprised that Sour and I were still standing. After depositing the schoolteacher, Indigo immediately galumphed back to the Jabberwocky and decapitated it.

Once that grisly stunt was over, the six of us returned to walking through the tulgey wood. The cold I had been enjoying started turning to ice as the canopy above grew thicker and thicker, darkening our surroundings until only the pinpricks of dull light from my and Sunny’s lanterns remained.

“Oh my, this place is rather creepy. After that horrid monster, I’m not too sure how much more of this I can take.” Sunny said, frowning and staring nervously at the trees.

“Stop whining, you’ll live. Probably. Statistically, nopony has actually ever died in the Everfree.” Sugarcoat said, her breath finally back. I guess that her name applies more to her choice of desserts than her attitude to life.

“Yeah, but nopony’s ever returned from this place, either. And I don’t like those odds.” Lemon said, trying and failing to keep the fearless smile on her face.

Indigo sniggered, “Guess we’ll be the first then. Captain Indigo Zap and her loyal team of heroes.”

“Captain?” Sugarcoat asked, “I thought you were a private?”

“Hey, I am totally getting a promotion after we kill Daybreaker. And once I do, I am hanging this in my office!” She said, showing us the severed Jabberwocky head. It had her name carved into it. Sunny screamed and jumped back. Lemon bent over against a tree and tried not to throw up. That thing was nasty.

“Indigo, your name doesn’t have a Y in it.” Sugarcoat said, “Besides, Shadowbolt Captains don’t even have offices. My father was one and he spent most of his nights sleeping beside his soldiers in the barracks.”

“Oh, yeah. I keep forgetting that your father is Nimbostratus. How did a stallion as cool as him make a mare as lame as you?”

“Well, when a mother and a father love each other very much, they-”

“I get it, alright? Indigo’s a moron, can we please continue?” Sour said, stamping her hoof so hard the icicles on a nearby tree jingled.

“No, no, keep talking, Sugarcoat. I haven’t heard this one before.” Indigo said.

I tried to stifle my laughter. This was getting good. The Pegasus was like, what, twenty and she still didn’t know how sex worked? 

“Hey, I’ve got a joke,” Lemon said.

“That’s nice. You know that jokes are like fetishes, right?” Sugarcoat said, her breath fogging in the wintry cold.

“What? How in Tartarus does that work?”

“Well, for starters, you can keep them to yourself.”

“Hey! It was a good joke, Sugarcoat. Try to lighten up for once, okay?”

“I’ll lighten up once the Moon rises again. Can we keep going, please?”

Might as well. We kept walking, and a few minutes later, I heard another scream. My blood ran colder than the forest. It was Lemon. She wasn’t where she was supposed to be, in front of Sunny and behind me.

She kept screaming, crying and pleading and begging for help and generally blubbering about how awful clowns were. Which actually made quite a bit of sense, considering one of their breed had got her by the leg, jammed it between two slices of bread and was preparing to have it for lunch.

“What. The. Shit.” Indigo said.

“Help!” Lemon cried, struggling against the clown's grasp.

Now, I have always liked clowns. They’re funny, in a goofy slapstick kind of way. I actually lived with a circus for a while, before Luna took me in, but that’s neither here nor there. Looking at this ugly bastard, I stopped liking clowns. Yeah, even you, Mr. Bozo, the stuffed jester that most certainly does definitely not sleep under my pillow.

The stallion was big, nearly as tall as the Jabberwocky, with a curly blue afro, a shiny red rubber nose and a mouthful of fangs that looked better on a lion. It looked up from the Lemon sandwich and laughed.

“Hey, Sunset?” Indigo asked, “You think if I stab it with my halberd, balloon animals will come out?”

“Go crazy.”

Indigo obliged, and charged forward with a war cry that sounded more like a scream than like real Ponish. She missed, the clown ducking under the blade and hopping up to tickle her on the wings. Indigo screamed, struggling and writhing as the clown did its work. Soon though, her screams turned to cackles as she started crying from either the laughter or the pain. Just as Sour reached it, the clown dropped Indigo to the ground, leaving the Pegasus to twitch and giggle.

Sour swung at it with her cleaver. I moved behind a tree and winced as my horn lit up. The clown apparently dodged again because when my vision cleared, it had Sour pinned to a tree and it was singing her a lullaby. I felt kind of sleepy and I could barely hear it over the thrum of my spell charging up. Sour and Sunny though started blinking slowly, swaying back and forth. Just as the clown finished up its indecipherable song, both ponies stumbled to the ground, fast asleep.

It was me and Sugarcoat left and I wasn’t too keen on those odds. The clown turned to me, galloping forward, wearing an evil grin beneath its makeup. Just a few more seconds and I’d be blasting its pasty white ass into the sky.

I never got that chance. The stallion screeched to a halt right in front of me, nullifying my Blast spell unless I also fancied being turned to ash. It took a deep breath and then whispered something, almost too softly to hear.

“Hey, check this out.” 

Against my better judgment, I let the magic go, and looked at the clown. I was staring back at myself, only worse. That Sunset was decrepit, coated in filthy and wrinkles. Patches of her mane, now a sickly yellow and bloody red, were falling out. The hair draped over her eyes which were clouded over and ringed with years of too much drink and too little sleep. It smiled and what few teeth it had were chipped and rotted like black tombstones. Worst of all though was its horn. 

My horn was gone.

I screamed, wrenched my eyes shut, shielding them with a hoof, backing away into the undergrowth. Thorns scratched me. So what? I was going to be that, one day, hideous and useless and alone. Branches clawed me. I didn’t care. I was going to die anyway. This is hopeless. All of this. Every last single Bit I have will be gone, along with my looks and talent. And then what? Where will I go? What can I do? I don’t have any friends. Fuck, Smolder only hangs around because she’s forced to. And it's not like Sunny would take me in either, she only cares about me because I’m hot. And then I won’t be and I’ll die. 

“Stop whining. Believe it or not, I actually care about you. Sure, you are attractive and you are a far better magician than I could ever be and I’m little jealous. But you’re brave, Sunset. Braver than all of us. It was your idea to stand up to Celestia, not any of ours. And that isn’t going away, no matter what she takes from you. So shut and stand up and help murder this clown!”

I opened my eyes, blinking away the tears. There was Sugarcoat, glowering and covered in streamers being half-heartedly groped by the clown. The stallion was way smaller than before, with a limp afro and blunted fangs. It frowned despondently as it grumbled insults. 

“What do I do?” I asked. That felt weird to say.

“Help me blast it with magic. It isn’t actually real. The clown’s just an illusion, probably some kind of guard dog created by the Zebra that lives in this place. Just Dispel it and we all should be alright.”

“Okay. Okay. I think I can do that.”

“Of course, you can do that, Sunset. You aren’t Luna’s personal student because you have a nice pair of flanks, you’re her student because you’re good at magic. On three.”

“Alright, sure. One-”

“Twothreego!” Sugarcoat said, her horn lighting up with a pink fire. I pushed magic into mine as well, directing the clown away. It wasn’t real. The things it said were not true. I am Sunset Shimmer, and I plan on taking out Daybreaker, one way or another. Then I’m going to drink a tankard of beer, screw somepony, and apologize to my pet Dragon. Probably not in that order though. The clown screeched as our magic hit it, fading and shrinking until only its rubber nose remained.

“Good job. But don’t tell anybody I actually complimented you. They’ll never let me hear the end of it.” Sugarcoat said, a tired smile flitting across her face.

“Don’t worry. Your secret’s safe with me. But don’t frown all the time. You actually look sort of cute when you smile.”
> To the prize you kept your eyes on
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once the clown was sorted out and, by sorted out I mean disintegrated, Sugarcoat and I went to check out the other ponies. Sunny and Sour were still asleep, leaning against each-other and snoring slightly. A light shake brings them back up on their hooves and Indigo only needed a light slap before she stopped spasming. Sugarcoat helped Lemon wipe the apparently not-illusory butter of herself and then we kept walking. Nobody was in the mood for lunch, especially not the token musician.

The temperature started picking up pretty rapidly once we’d escaped the clown’s little slice of this shithole forest. At least it was bright enough now for Sunny and I to put the lanterns away since they were running low on fuel. My head still kind of stung but it sure felt a lot better than when I was stuck in the burning restaurant. I almost felt relaxed as the forest began to thin out into sparse trees and shrublands. A few clouds drifted by lazily, giving some much-needed shadow now that the thick canopy of leaves was behind us. Damn good thing too, I was getting tired of squishing a worm every few steps.

“So, why did you choose to come with us, Sour? No offense, but this doesn’t really seem like your kind of place.” Lemon said as we walked.

“You know, the first thing I saw when Daybreaker appeared was all that beautiful jewelry she wore. That and the fire.”
“It was quite extravagant. In an antique sort of way. Terribly out of date nowadays.” Sunny added.

“Sure, I guess. But it still looks amazing and I bet that all that gold would go a long way to financing my new restaurant after that fucking bitch burned it down.” Sour said, smiling, And how about you?”

Lemon shrugged, “I guess I wanted the prestige of doing it. I bet I’d sell way more records if I named the band Alicorn Slayer.”

“Nah, you’d sell way more if you just made good music. I mean, ripping off actually nice singers is one thing, but rock?”
“Symphonic metal.” Lemon corrected.

“Nopony cares. Basically, Indigo’s point is that you’d be far more popular if you wrote your own music that conformed to a mainstream style, instead of plagiarizing underground artists.” Sugarcoat said.

“For the last time, I write my own songs already. Just because I take inspiration from somepony doesn’t mean I copy them.”

“Wait. Stop. Do you see that?” I said, pointing to the ravine we were approaching. The rough rock and dry grass suddenly gave way to a massive crack in the earth, and I could spot a bunch of stone spires behind the darkening clouds. Those should be Castle Everfree, or what’s left of it anyway.

“Yeah. It’s a canyon. So what? It’s not like we can’t just fly over it.” Indigo said.

“Well, that’d be just wonderful for you and Sour, dearie, but the rest of us can’t actually fly,” Sunny said.
“Oh, I keep forgetting you’re all lame.”

“Excuse me?”

“She means that you’re literally lamer. It’s Pegasus slang for creatures that can’t fly.” Sour explained, “Now if you all will excuse me, I’m going to fly across.”

“What about us? Full offense, you’re not going to be able to defeat Daybreaker with a pointed stick and a sharp chunk of metal. The Elements need six ponies to work.” Sugarcoat said.

“Hey, cool it. We’re gonna scout out the castle and then we’ll come back. Hey, maybe we’ll even find the Elements and save you all the trouble of figuring out how to cross the bridge.” Indigo said, before taking off.

The wind started to pick up just as her hooves left the ground. It was strong enough to permanently destroy any chances of my mane looking decent for the rest of the trip, but both Pegasi managed to overcome it. Together they flapped and glided over the canyon, slowly but surely making it toward the Castle.

A bolt of lightning smashed down in front of Sour just as she was about to land. Screaming, she jumped back and managed to dodge the next one. Indigo wasn’t so lucky. A bolt of white-hot fire flashed into her spear, jolting her out of the sky.

I galloped to the edge of the canyon as the storm picked up, hailing down golfball-sized lumps of ice and blotting out the blazing Sun. Indigo had managed to catch a branch on the way down, and her wing looked bad. The thing was charred black and smoking. It twitched uselessly as Sour tried in vain to pull the larger Pegasus up. I summoned magic toward me, pushing past the stinging pain, and focused on Indigo, willing her to move up.

She was soon coated in a cyan glow as Sour and I pulled her up. What in Tartarus did she eat? I know I’m not exactly at the top of my game right now and the storm was making it tricky for them to fly, but another pony and I should’ve easily been able to lift Indigo Zap. Then I saw it. The spear. And still impaled on the spear was the Jabberwocky’s head, well camouflaged against the dark rocks and patches of grass. I don’t know if that nasty thing got bigger since I’d last seen it but it sure was weighing us down.

Sour was actually trying to lift the spear itself, not Indigo directly. I thought about calling Sugarcoat for help, but the flickering purple barrier above us told me that that was probably a pretty stupid idea. No point in letting all of us get brained by hailstones, after all.

“Hey!”

“Yeah? Can you throw down one of those Healing spells, Sunset? That’d come in really useful right now!” Indigo shouted back.

“I don’t have enough magic. I’m running on fumes as is and Sugarcoat’s busy shielding us from the storm!”

“I know you’re tired and all, but so are we. Just fucking try harder, Sunset! Unless you want us to die, that is!” Sour shouted, flying back as something in the canyon snapped back up at her.

I didn’t notice those before. Basically, the bugs were same muddy grey as the canyon itself and about the size of a foal each and, just like foals, there were way too many of them. Hundreds of ants, at least, and they were gaining on Indigo. Okay, time for Plan B.

“Drop the spear!”

“What? Fuck no! She and I agreed to split the cash from selling the head! Do you even know how much a genuine Jabberwocky skull goes for?” Sour said, still struggling to lift it and Indigo.

“I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be poor than dead, Sour!” Sunny shouted.

“Bold words coming from you, you’re like the third richest pony in town. Some of us have to work, you know! Some of us didn’t get a fat loan from mommy’s film industry!”

“Shut up, both of you. I’m trying not to get eaten here!” Indigo shouted, kicking against the approaching ants.
They were getting closer. Way closer. A brown wave of clicking and chittering insects was advancing on the Pegasi. I funneled for magic into the levitation and managed to get both of them off the ground at least. Indigo bucked one off the spear, and the ant tumbled back into the hungry mass of bugs.

Said mass started building a tower. Standing on each-others backs, the ants were like bricks in a pyramid that was rapidly gaining on the mares.

“Alright. Plan C.” I said, “Sunny, give me the lantern.”
“If you insist, dearie.” She said, nudging it over.

I took a deep breath, before picking the glowing lamp up and enchanting it. The shock from splitting spells nearly made me drop Indigo, but I tried as hard as I could to push through, effectively making the lantern a grenade.

I chucked it down into the pile of ants, aiming far away from the Pegasi. The lantern exploded brilliantly, covering the insects with a flaming cloud of boiling oil. That should teach them.

“Now drop the spear and move,” I ordered.

“No! I need it!” Sour said.

“Just drop the spear, alright? I can get another from the Guard. Hey, I reckon I can even kill another Jabberwocky. But we aren’t ever gonna do that if we die here.” Indigo said.

“But. But…” Sour mumbled, before sighing, grabbing hold of Indigo, and letting the spear and head tumble into the writhing mass of bug and fire below.

With the weight basically halved, Sour and I managed to hoist Indigo out of the canyon and we collapsed from exhaustion afterward. Never am I doing that again. Next time, I am so fucking investing in a bag of holding.

“Alright. What’s the next plan, Sunset? I can’t keep this up forever.” Sugarcoat said.

“We need to get out of this storm before somepony’s get cracked open. Now it’s absolutely magical considering how the only lightning we’ve seen so far has only tried to attack us when we’ve tried to cross the canyon.” I said, “So does anypony have an idea?”

“Shit. You’re supposed to be the smart one, right? Why don’t you figure it out?” Indigo said, brushing bits of ash and chitin out of her coat.

“Because it’s a storm, dearie. Unicorn magic doesn’t work with the weather and, besides, even if it did, we’re still technically in the Everfree.” Sunny explained.

“Well, I’m not going out there again to chase around a cloud. I almost died last time!” Sour said.

“I know that you penny-pinching twit, I was there. But it’s not like we have any other options.”

“Why don’t we just, like, ask the storm to stop?” Lemon asked.

“Because it’s an unintelligent atmospheric phenomenon, Lemon. I doubt it speaks Ponish.” Sugarcoat said.

“Hey, it’s worth a shot. I mean, you Pegasi make storms so maybe this is like that? You never know if you don’t try.”

“Fine, go ahead. That’s only the stupidest idea you’ve ever had and yes, I am counting that time you tried teaching a minotaur to waltz.” Sour said.

Lemon cleared her throat. And then, moving slightly out from under Sugarcoat’s shield and dodging the chunks of hail, she stared directly upward into the dark sky.

“Uh, hello? Anypony there? We’d kind of like to, you know, get across the canyon and we can’t do that if you’re shooting lightning bolts at us.”

Naturally, Lemon’s plan failed and the clouds ignored her. Supernaturally, however, a bolt of lightning struck the ground just inches in front of Lemon’s hooves.  Now, I don’t know exactly what that mare smokes but I’m pretty sure I want a pipeful of it now if it lets you stare down a thunderbolt and win. Seriously, I have a newfound respect for her now.

“Cool. Nice light show, but could maybe talk face to face for this?”

The sky darkened and thundered in response. I almost miss the Sun now. At least that only tried to burn me alive, not blow my mane into a bird’s nest. But the hail subsided at least, letting Sugarcoat turn off her shield.

“Can you come out, please? We just want to talk!” Lemon shouted.

Okay, wow. The clouds have officially parted, letting a scorching ray of light shine back down like a spotlight. I take it back. I do not miss this and I feel sunburnt just looking at the sky.

“How many of there are you?” A voice asked. It sounded pretty good. Really good, actually. Like, the accent was cultured and kind of foreign but not obnoxiously posh or anything and the tone lay somewhere between sultry and mildly annoyed. Put simply, it was hot.

“Six of us, Miss… uh?”

“Call me Pizzicato. And if there’re six of you ponies, why don’t you talk to yourselves?”

“Because, if brains were dynamite, only the bacon-haired one and I would have enough of the stuff to blow our heads off.”

“Well, you’ve got a mouth on you, alright. What’s so important across the canyon that you simply can’t just walk around it?”

“There’s a castle on the other side we really need to get you. Like, the fate of the world is at stake here. Can’t you help a sister out?” Lemon said.

“Maybe. But I feel like a having a storm right now. What you could possibly offer me, Pizzicato the Siren, in exchange for removing it?”

Oh fuck. She’s a Siren. Well, if today could get any worse, it official has. Those things are serious trouble. I don’t really remember too much from my days as a lion tamer, but my act was right before this magician who liked to tell stories. I remember pretty clearly seeing the Great and Powerful Trixie regale the crowd about how this ancient hero from like a thousand years ago had to actually tear a rift open to a different dimension to get rid of some of them. I wasn’t much for fairy tales then or now but I have a bad feeling that, for once, Trixie wasn’t actually lying.

“Wow, I never thought I’d see a Siren before!” Lemon said, completely oblivious to the fact that these things require Alicorn-tier magic to fight, “Could you come down and sing for us.”

No. No, that’s like the one thing you never want them today. They’ll steal your soul. And I would have said that too if Sugarcoat hadn’t clamped a hoof over my mouth. There’s a time and a place for that kind of thing, honestly.

“Well, I haven’t had a performance in centuries. I don’t see why not.” Pizzicato said, before flying down to see us.

Now, I had always pictured Sirens as a sort of Merpony kind of creature and that was completely wrong. This thing was about the size of a small dragon and coated in sparkling white scales. Its mane was the color of molten copper, and it waved almost lazily in the gale-force wind and its eyes looked to be carved from giant sapphires. This creature looked awesome, but wait, no. It’s not supposed to be beautiful or whatever, that’s just its spell working.

“Incredible! I’ve never seen such amazing colors before. Pizzicato, have considered performing?” Lemon cheered.

“Excuse me? I am a Siren; I don’t perform for the entertainment of lesser beings. I eat them.”

“No, not like that. I meant you could totally take over the world with that voice. Just listening to you speak is giving me so many ideas!”

The Siren raised an eyebrow, “Go on?”

“In Pony culture, pop stars are a super serious deal. Ponies, like, we treat them like gods. Why bother living here, in the ass end of nowhere, when you could be living it up in Canterlot?”

“And do what? Be surrounded by rats?”

“Hey now, you’d be surrounded by worshippers. Imagine, you wouldn’t have to hunt or whatever, they’d just walk straight into your mouth. And all you’d have to do is do what you already love doing?”

Pizzicato smirked, “Perhaps I could to that? But why are you telling me all this, little pony? Don’t you care about your herd?”

“Hey, between you and me, I’m only working with these tools until we get can rid of Daybreaker. After that, they’re on their own. So, like, if you want to chow down on one of them next week or something, be my guest.”

“You make a good offer, pony. But how do you suppose we accomplish this then? What’s to stop me simply devouring you all now?”

“My cleaver in you neck, for starters,” Sour said, brandishing the knife.

Pizzicato raised a webbed claw in response, preparing to strike. Sugarcoat and I started charging up spells. Indigo jumped into action with a short sword. Sunny jumped behind Indigo. Lemon stood perfectly still, despite the brewing storm of combat and the very literal storm of rain.

“Please, ignore my bodyguards. They mean well but they’re not exactly the smartest tools in the shed. You see, my name is Lemon Zest. You might have heard of me.”

Pizzicato lowered her claw, the appendage shimmering in her ray of sunlight. “I haven’t heard of you, Lemon. Why would I have?”

“Because I own the largest record label in Equestria. You’ve got talent, sure, but you’re going to get real far without a manager on your side. I’m saying we split the profits 60-40 and take over a city or two? What do you say to that?”

“I say you make a very interesting proposal, manager. I accept. Pizzicato Dawn is at your service.” The Siren said, shrinking down until she was about the size of a pony. She then extended a claw. Lemon shook it.

“Don’t call me. I’ll call you.”

“Noted. Now, about this canyon. I believe this should suffice.” She said, starting to hum.

Shit! She’s singing!

Sugarcoat was surprisingly strong, or maybe that was just because Sour was helping. Again, I really do not like being touch and I made sure to get the latter a good kick or two to hammer that message home. But, to my surprise, none of us were brainwashed into zombies. Not that I was too worried about that for Indigo and Sunny because they’d actually need brains for that to be a problem.

Instead, clouds began to break out their formation in the skies above and they drifted down to us while the most beautiful song I ever heard danced through my ears. I stopped struggling at some point, going limp and just marveling at how perfect Pizzicato’s song was. Not a note was out of place, and if her speaking voice was good, hearing her sing was like a combination of silk, chocolate, and orgasms.

But then it stopped, and I looked up from staring at the Siren. Beside her was a line of clouds stretching the length of the gorge, sparkling with the same pearl radiance as her coat. She bowed slightly.

“Shit, that was awesome!” Indigo said.

“Absolutely incredible. I’ve never heard something more amazing in my entire life.” Sunny agreed.

“Yeah. Wow. That really does the trick.” Sour said.

“It was nice. You have an excellent grasp of harmony and crescendo.” Sugarcoat said, actually smiling again.

Lemon started to clap, “You see, Pizzicato? Ponies love you! That was superb! Here, take my card.” Lemon said, dropping a small business card into the Siren’s claws.

“Why thank you, my little ponies. I eagerly await the contract, Lemon Zest. I think it’ll be the beginning of a delicious relationship.” She said, winking before the clouds started to dissipate, and she flew back into the sky.

Once she was gone, Lemon broke the stunned silence. “Told you I had that in the bag.”

“You do realize that we’ve got to kill a Siren now, right? Those things do not go down easy.” I said.

“Hey, I didn’t mean any of that stuff I said. You mares are my friends. I just needed a way to get rid of her and I thought that tricking her into flying over Dragon territory would be a great way to do that.”

“Well, I totally misjudged you. It turns out that you actually have a brain between those earphones.” Sour said.

“Couldn’t have said it better myself. Now, let’s go get theses Elements and save the world.”

The bridge held and Lemon walked across it first, with about as much triumph as somepony who’d just outsmarted a Siren had any right to. Sugarcoat stepped onto it, more nervously shuffling than walking across it, with Sour and Indigo prepared to catch her if she fell. It seemed that the schoolteacher did not have a thing for heights. Then, once she was finally across, it was Sunny’s turn. The mare was staring blankly into space, silently mumbling something.

“Hey, Sunny. You’re up.” I said, waving a hoof in front of her face. “Sunny. Sunny… uh… what was it? Flare, right? Sunny Flare. This is Sunset.”

Nothing.

I slapped her. Gently.

Nothing.

Okay, I guess I’m moving in with the only other vaguely attractive mare in town because this one seems to be broken. 

Seriously though, if it wasn’t that there were exactly six Elements and exactly six of us, I would have left her. But that not being an option, I opted for magic.

“SUNNY FLARE. THIS IS SUNSET SHIMMER. REMEMBER ME? I’M BEAUTIFUL AND TALENTED.”

Hopefully, that Telepathy sank in because I was starting to feel like one of those damn ants chomped me on the head. I felt like shit after that.

Sunny blinked.

“Sunset?” She asked nervously.

“Correct. Now can we go and save the world or are you going to keep admiring the view?”

“Oh, sorry. I must’ve just blacked out there for a second. Must be the dehydration. I haven’t had a cup of tea in what feels like days.”

Sure. Not buying that.

“Alright. Take a drink and then cross the bridge. Or do it in the opposite order. Either one can work.” I said, starting across it myself.

When I was about halfway across, I looked back and saw Sunny still standing there, that thousand-yard stare back on her face. For fuck’s sake. Nothing is easy in this place, is it?

“Come on!”

Sunny shook her head and hurried after me. I know I’m nice to look at, especially from behind, but this is getting ridiculous. There’s a time and a place, you know?
> Trying to be the chosen one
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once all safely across the bridge, it was time to venture back into the forest proper and end this. The weald started picking up again on the other side of the canyon, and soon I was trudging through the jungle again, batting away flies and trying my hardest to ignore the cries of the hopefully well-fed animals. The spires of the Castle of the Two Sisters disappeared again beneath the trees as we walked and the now-familiar chill darkness returned with a vengeance.

And now we only had one lantern. I hope those ants liked my present because I am sure regretting giving it out now. It feels like something is going to jump out from beneath a bush or from behind a tree and bite me any second now. And, as usual, the persistent hangover wasn't making life to easy either.

“How big is this fucking forest? I feel like I've been walking for days. I can't wait to get out of here and fly properly again.” Indigo complained.

“You said it. Once we get back to Ponyville, I'm not touching the filthy ground for days.”

“What a good idea, Sour. I’ll be sure to fail to catch you when you pass out from exhaustion.” Sugarcoat said.

“Come on now, living on the ground isn’t that bad, right Sunset?” Sunny said, walking behind me, carrying the lantern.

“Best sex I ever had was in Cloudsdale. Now can we stop arguing and hurry up? I’d guess we’ve been walking for at least a few hours, and I’d really like to finish this before we all die.”

“Hey, we’ve got, like, a month before everypony actually dies. What’s wrong with a little banter?” Lemon said.

“No, we don’t. I know you’ve got good taste in music and all.” I said, and Indigo tried to stifle laughter, “But can you turn off and think for a minute? Daybreaker said the crops would die after a day. Now, I don’t know about you, but I kind of need to food to eat and there’s no way in Tartarus that Equestria has enough stockpiled to feed the whole population for an entire year.”

“Oh. Shit.” Lemon grimaced, as did the others.

“Yeah. So shut up all of you and stop wasting time.” I said. Sour and Indigo sighed, looked amongst themselves, and followed me. Good.

I don’t know if my little pep talk helped or not but we’d actually managed to get to the ruined castle only an hour later. Most the grey stone buildings were weathered from centuries of neglect and disuse. Wilted vines clung to the spires and terraces, while the uncut grass grew long and dry through cracks in the tiled floors. The Castle of the Two Sisters stunk of rotting plants and ancient dust, but at least it was respite from the Sun. The brief hike out the forest and through the palace gardens was brutal and it felt like had been stuffed in an oven.

“Alright, so Sunset, what’s our plan?” Lemon said, after downing an entire canteen of water.

“We split up and find the Elements. I’d reckon that if they are here, they’d probably be in a dungeon or treasury somewhere. Stuff like that is too valuable to just show off.”

“That should be easy.” Indigo scoffed, “But what comes after that?”

“You each get one Element and hope for the best. I honestly don’t have a clue how they’re supposed to work, but that seems like a decent place to start. Sour, Sunny, you two are with me. If we don’t find anything in an hour or so, we meet back here, in the throne room.”

“Good luck then, don't die. We need you.” Sugarcoat said, before leaving with Lemon and Indigo to explore the castle’s east wing.

I went to the west. Now, I’d say that I’ve spent enough time in castles to basically know how these things work. All the valuable stuff goes in the biggest building, the keep, because it's the easiest to defend. Useless crap is kept in the outside buildings, like the library.

“I wouldn’t exactly say that its useless, dearie. Just think, we’ve got books here from before Equestria was even founded. Imagine how useful all this knowledge could be, imagine what this could do for our culture.” Sunny said, marvelling at a stack of moth-eaten tomes.

“Imagine what we could sell this for! We’d never need to work again.” Sour said, stuffing a few into the other mare's saddlebags while she was distracted.

“Can both of you please stop dicking around? If you really want to come back here and the loot the place, go ahead. But let’s do that some other day, when our lives aren’t at stake!”

Both flinched, “Sorry.”

“Alright. Now let’s get out of this place before I choke to death on the dust.”

We continued walking through the library. This place was big, like four stories of boredom big. I really wanted to set it on fire. Like, I would give up alcohol and one-night stands for just one little spark. All this dry paper would make such a beautiful fireball. Yeah, that’d show them. Sunset Shimmer doesn’t need to learn anything. Especially not from some outdated pile of nonsense. I’d bet that they could see all the way back in Canterlot. Hey, when I’m done here, I’ll go there. Torch that too. And then, maybe I’ll check out my old stomping grounds. Luna’s School for Gifted Unicorns always felt a bit cold. It would be so generous of me to warm it up. Toast the ego out of a few upstart prodigies.

“Sunset!” Sunny yelled, grabbing me.

“Get off!” I yelled, summoning a ball of flame. Finally, my magic was back. It felt amazing, like a full-body massage after a long day’s work.

“Listen, you psycho, I agree that maybe this isn’t the right time to steal something but we’re standing in the place you want to cook. Did it occur to you that we can’t save the world if set us on fire?” Sour said.

“Back off. Both of you.” I smiled. I didn’t need them. All I needed was magic, and I had all I needed right here. Right now.
Both pleaded. I ignored them, channeling more magic into my fire. So, what if Daybreaker’s made of the stuff? Mine burns hotter. Why bother fucking around with the Elements if I can just turn this world into a new Sun and imprison her that way?

“Sunset! Stop this, please. This isn’t you. The Sunset I know is smart, she wouldn’t do something like this.” Sunny said, hugging me. I picked her up with a spell and tossed her into a bookshelf. Crack.

“You know what, I’ve been waiting to do this ever since we met.”

Something crashed into my skull. A wave of pain followed it. Blinded by it, I fell down. My fire, my precious fire, dissipated and the air turned to snow. I gasped for air. What just happened?

“I hit you. And I’ll do it again if you don’t stop trying to murder us. Daybreaker was screwing with your mind and I got rid of her. Now get up and starting being useful again.” Sour said, extending a hoof.

I took minutes before my body responded. I blinked the tears out of my eyes and stood up alone. “I don’t know what happened there.  Let’s just keep searching, alright?”

“It’s alright, Sunset. We’re just glad to have you back.” Sunny said, brushing herself off.

“Sure. Sure, it is. Let’s just get this done before something else happens.”

The three of us left the library. Taking a flight of stairs downward, we finally found the treasury. A massive gilded door stood between us and the Elements, it had six circular slots in it and each slot had a plaque in some alien language beneath it. Otherwise, the room was blisteringly hot, just like the rest of the castle, with a window that opened to the outside. The Sun loomed over the forest like a magnifying glass over an anthill. Everything was done up in shades of orange, red and brown and everything smelled faintly of sweat, blood and smoke. Time was running out.

“Well, it seems like great minds think alike, Sunset.” Sugarcoat said, walking down the stairs on the opposite side of the room with Indigo and Lemon in tow.

“Sazaori tasa brungona. The Vault of the Elements.” Lemon translated, “Interesting choice to write that in Zebra.”

“You’re fluent in Zebra, dearie?” Sunny asked.

“Sure am. All this used to be Zebra territory actually, before the Princesses moved in. One them taught me how to rap and brew amarula.” Lemon said proudly.

You learn new things every day. I may have to keep Lemon around. I have a feeling that she'd be great at parties. That and I haven't tried amarula yet.

“Anyway, let’s crack this baby open.” Indigo said, walking over to it, giving it a kick. Flesh sizzled against the metal. She screamed and hopped back, clutching her wounded hoof.

“I’m not done yet.” Said Lemon, “Laibasaj porsa aizbonya wat laibzas anvar tiscort. Okay, that’s pretty tricky. And it doesn’t rhyme either, so this place must be ancient.”

“Obviously, dearie. It is a thousand years old, after all.” Sunny said.

“Okay, cool, we don’t care. What does it say?”

Lemon scratched her head, “I know the first bit means ‘No entry’ but my mind’s blank on the other half. Zecora taught me mostly how to insult other ponies, not to solve magic riddles.”

“You know, the best solution is always the simplest one.” Sugarcoat said, charging her horn.

“And that would be?” Sour asked.

“Brute force.” She said, firing off a bolt of magic at the door. It ricocheted off, severing Sunny’s ear and flying out the window. Great, another injury to fix.

“Maybe, don’t do that!” Sunny shouted, clutching the side of her head.

“No, she’s on the right track. The door shook when she used magic on it. Sugarcoat just didn’t have enough.” I said, starting to gather my own power. It was agonizing, and the usually-cool taste of magic was boiling hot.

Before shooting the door myself, I imagined it was Daybreaker. She got me into this mess, I’ll take her out of it.

A cyan beam flew out my horn and into the centre of the door, causing it to rattle and shake. The pain grew, pounding into my skull. The world blurred and muted as I pushed more magic into it. I was not going to lose to a lump of metal. I was not going to lose to a deranged demigod. I am Sunset Shimmer, and I do not lose!

The door shattered as the last of my reserves hammered into it. I felt my chin hit the ground with a scream. My back spasmed as the world flashed in colour. I coughed. Blood.

“Fucking wow. Do you do parties?” I heard Lemon say over the ringing in my ears.

“Only orgies. Now help me up. We have a world to save, remember.” I muttered once my senses were mostly back to normal. Everything looked a bit sharper than I recall it being. It sounded clearer too once the tinnitus had faded.

Five pairs of hooves pulled me back to my own. Each mare bore an expression somewhere between shock and awe.
“What? I’ll live.”

“You have a pair of wings, dearie.”

“Yeah.” I coughed, “Her name’s Lightning Dash. We’re friends with benefits.”

“She means that you literally grew your own pair of them trying to get through the door.” Sugarcoat said, tapping one of them. That felt weird.

“Did I get through the door?”

“You definitely did. And the wall behind it, and the wall behind that and so on and so on.”

“Good. Wings later, Elements now.”

We walked into the remains of the Vault. Almost everything but a small pedestal holding five stone orbs was a pile of ash. Guess those were the Elements then.

“I thought they’d be cooler.” Indigo said.

“Nonsense, I’m sure they’ll work just fine.” Sunny said, walking over to them, picking one up.

“Be careful with those.” Sugarcoat said.

Sunny dropped it and the Element shattered on the hard tile floor. “Oops.”

“Oops? Oops? You just destroyed the world you clumsy motherfucking imbecile!” Sour screamed.

Sunny winced, “I’m terribly sorry, but she made a better offer. It’s for the best, really.”

“What? You got ten seconds before I defenestrate you. Explain.” I said.

“Remember our talk at the bridge, Sunset?”

“Yeah. You telling me that Daybreaker somehow convinced you stab us in the back?”

“More or less exactly.”

“You bitch. You utter fucking bitch. I’ll kill you!” Sour said, drawing her knife, jumping at Sunny. Indigo followed. I didn’t stop either of them. What was the point? We’d lost already.

Just as Sour was about to decapitate the traitor, both were enveloped in a burning orange glow. Daybreaker exploded into the room, shattering the rest of the Elements and knocking me off my hooves.

“Nopony but me is killing anything today. Especially not you, Alicorn.”

“Say that to my face, asshole.” I said, standing up, charging up a Kill spell. Don’t ask me how I knew how to do that, I didn’t know either. But damn if I didn't want to use one.

“Very well. Begone, mortals.” Daybreaker said, and all the other ponies but me and Sunny disappeared in a flash of blood red light.

“Alright. Cool. It’s just you, me, and the moron who thinks siding with you is a good idea. By the way, my name is Sunset Shimmer and you killed Princess Luna.”

“I am well aware of that. It was almost an effort to do so. I doubt you will be, Sunset of Clan Shimmer.”

“I’m not done, firehair. My name is Sunset Shimmer. You killed Princess Luna. Prepare to die!”

I threw the white orb of death at Daybreaker. She rolled her eyes as it hit her, doing nothing and dissipating into the air.
“What did you expect, Alicorn? That you could ever amount to a tenth of what I am capable of?” She said, smiling.

Her horn glowed with all the colours of the Sun. I screamed as the fire touched me. Every muscle I had tore itself off the bone. Every bone I had shattered to dust. My hair burned. My eyes melted. My blood boiled. The world turned to fire as everything turned to pain.

“Fuck you.” I stuttered, before dying.
> All those things that you desire
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up, and I was in bed. To make matters better, my headache was finally gone. The room was cool, and I don’t know how long I spent just lying there resting, curled in soft satin sheets and watching the Sun through the stained-glass window bathe everything in a soft red hue.

Eventually, I grew thirsty after spending a few hours tracing the intricate patterns on the ceiling. Sitting up, I saw a jug of water sitting on an ornate nightstand beside my bed. I poured myself a glass. It was ice cold spring water, still slightly fizzing like a hummingbird’s wings.

After two glasses, I climbed out of bed and walked over to the mirror. Looking myself down from head to hoof, I found that never looked better. Hey, I never felt better either. Not a single hair was out of place and my coat has a new, glossy golden shine to it. A pair of wings lay perfectly plumed at my sides, their feathers glinting in the crimson light. My eyes sparkled with a new intensity and I felt infinitely relaxed.

I would have spent days reveling there if something hadn’t caught my eye. A tiara, built from intricate silver filigree and balanced gently atop my mane. In its center was a beautiful sapphire, carved into the shape of a star. I took it in my hooves and examined it further. It was nearly weightless but, at the same time, it held a certain weight to it, more moral than physical. This was an epic crown.

The last day’s events came flashing back to me. Daybreaker appearing. Venturing into the Everfree Forest. Slaying a Jabberwocky. Overcoming my own insecurities in the giggling face of evil. Outwitting a real, live Siren and battling an army of ants over a ravine. And then I remembered it. We’d lost.

I’d got right past that door, blasting it open and somehow ascending to godhood in the process, only for Daybreaker to appear and for Sunny to betray us. She burnt me to ash while the pair of them laughed. At me. At Sunset Shimmer, former personal student to Luna herself and currently… currently, what was I? Aren’t I dead?

That, that really explains everything then. The cool room, the relaxation, the actually-decent haircut, everything. I died. And this is Heaven.

“Not exactly, dearie.” Sunny Flare said, entering the bedroom.

“Of course, this isn’t Heaven. You’re here. This is obviously Tartarus.”

Sunny sighed, frowning with what almost looked like regret. “I’m sorry. But I didn’t have a choice.”

“To do what, stab me in the back? You utter cunt! We were so close and ruined it all!” I shouted, any feeling of relaxation long gone. I was itching to test out what these new powers could do anyway.

“Stop! Don’t hurt me.”

Against my better judgment, the magic seeped out of my grasp just like it had in the library. Again, fucking thwarted. I just can’t win, can I?

“Fine. It isn’t like a have a choice anyway. So what, have you come here to gloat?”

“Oh, no, not at all.” Sunny said, taking a seat at the foot of the bed, “Come, sit down.”

“Like fuck I will. I’m standing and you’re not laying a single hoof on me. You had your chance with me and you blew it. Besides, I didn’t take you for a rapist.”

She had the audacity to gasp, “Sunset! I would never! No, just let me explain, please.”

“Speak.”

“Alright then, well, to be perfectly honest with you, we never actually that close to victory.”

“Yeah, obviously. There are six Elements, and correct me if I’m wrong but there only five ponies actually willing to use them.”

“You see, that’s the problem. The Elements of Harmony aren’t even real.”

“Bullshit. I saw them with my own eyes.”

“No, what you saw was something completely different. Something that can defeat Daybreaker.”

“And where does fucking me overcome into this? Before or after you just decided to give up?”

“I’m getting to that, dearie. Really, you should sit down, you look rather tired.”

“I look great and you know it. Maybe you’re projecting, Sunny?” I said, taking another look at the mare in front of me. Lack of sleep ringed her eyes and her coat had lost quite a bit of its former gloss. Her mane and tail were ruffled with split ends and her breath smelled like insomnia. One of her ears was wrapped in a bloodied bandage. She looked like cold shit warmed up. Good.

“No, I… yes, I am tired. I’ve spent the last week doing research.”

“What week? I’ve been out a day at most.”

“Now, dearie, you really haven’t. It took you three days before even looked like a real pony again after what Daybreaker did to you. It took another two before you started breathing again.”

“You’re telling me I came back to life?” I said, deciding to take a seat before I fainted.

“Exactly, Sunset. You are, after all, an alicorn.”

“I got the message. But skip to the part where your research actually yields something meaningful.”
“Well, back when you, me and Sour Sweet were exploring the library here-”

“Here? You mean we’re still in the Everfree? In the Castle of the Two Sisters, right under Daybreaker’s nose?”

She nodded, “Yes, anyway, I had a quick glance at a book Sour gave me. It was titled The Elements of Discord.”
“Good for you. Remind why this matters?”

“It matters because everything in this castle is at least a thousand years old. Which means that it was written before Luna had a chance to put forth her propaganda.”

“Okay, you’ve lost me. What propaganda? We’re the good guys, remember? Well, not you specifically but ponykind as whole is. We’re the ones who fight off the psychotic Griffon invaders, barter peace treaties with the Buffalo and pacified the Yaks. Fuck, I was even there for the last one.”

Sunny raised an eyebrow, “That means that the propaganda is working, dearie. Tell me, do you really think all that happened because we’re somehow morally better than everything else or because our leader literally controlled the Sun, Moon, and stars?”

Admittedly, she had a point.

“Yeah, so? Even if you are right about that, are you telling me that there’s a centuries-long conspiracy to retell a foal’s story?”

“I am. Look at this.” Sunny said, giving me the book.

I scanned it. Alicorn magic was pretty useful there because I actually remembered what I had read for once. Long story short, the book claimed that Luna sought of some kind of chaos demon for access to the Elements of Harmony, sorry, the Elements of Discord, and she used them to banish her evil sister. Waffles were not mentioned.

“Okay, let’s say I believe you and Luna really did try to lie about how she got rid of Daybreaker the first time around. Then what?”

“Well, then she started telling everypony that she had done it with the Power of Friendship, in order to start the fledgling nation down a hopefully good and wholesome path. After all, if she had admitted that she used some serious dark magic to banish her sister, ponies would be rioting in the streets. She’d be seen a new tyrant, another Queen Cadence if you will.”

I was familiar enough with the legends of the Love Queen of the Crystal Empire to know that she had been bad news while she was around. On an unrelated note, that also my favorite of Trixie’s performances, mostly because of the pole dancing involved.

“Again, where is this going?” I asked.

“It means that all we have to do is correctly assign the Elements of Discord to each pony and we should be able to slay Daybreaker.”

“Alright, Sugarcoat and the idiot brigade is still around then. What a nice surprise. But why do you even care, you won, didn’t you?”

“Truth be told, I really didn’t. You see, I think our new Princess is actually insane enough to follow through with her threat.”
“Remind what that is again, I had a pretty rough last couple of days.”

“She threatened to destroy the world unless we all swore fealty to her.”

“And how is that working out?”

“She is currently fighting seven major rebellions and an invasion, courtesy of the Griffons.”

“Good.”

“No, that’s the opposite of good, Sunset. It means that she’s distracted.”

“Again, I assumed that we a prerequisite to successfully banishing her.”

“Yes, it is, but it also means that the Sun will smash into the world in about a month’s time give or take because the only pony who can stop that is currently bathing in the blood of her enemies.”

“Oh, well that sucks. Maybe you should have figured that out before stabbing me in the back.”

“Again, Sunset, I’m terribly sorry. I honestly regret having to do that to you.”

“Again, I don’t give a shit. What she even promise you? Was it money, or fame, or just a really good stack of pancakes?”
Sunny cringed, looking away, out the window.

“Well?”

“She… she promised me, well, how do I say this in a way that doesn’t make me look like a madpony?”
“Chances are, if you’re worried you’ll look insane, you already do. Just spit it out.”

“She promised me you.”

“I’m sorry, what?!”

“Well, there is the issue. Truth be told, I’m not exactly not a filly-fooler.”

“Cool. You sucked at hiding it anyway. If you wanted to, all you needed to do was ask. You didn’t need to destroy the world to get laid.”

“Well, I was just so worried that you’d judge me for it, or something. I mean, I didn’t know you were, and even after you implied it, I didn’t really click. I was scared that you’d run away from Ponyville after your work was complete, and we’d never see each other again.”

“Yeah, that was basically my plan. Full offense because you frankly deserve it, you’re like a soft six at best by Canterlot standards. I can and I do get better on regular basis.”

“That’s why I did it. Do you remember our talk out on the bridge, just after we’d met Pizzicato?”

“Vaguely. You were spazzing out, I remember.”

“Yes, I had a vision.”

“You know, I became less attracted to you by the second. Hurry up and get to the point.”

“Fine. I owe you that much. Daybreaker basically offered me anything I wanted in exchange for betraying you all once we’d found the Elements of Discord. That was, by the way, what she referred to them as, which gave me the idea about all of this in the first place.”

“So this was all part of your plan then? You didn’t really want me as what, a sex slave? You just thought that it’d be a really good idea to save the world by trying to kill me?”

“Uh, yes, definitely. Let’s go with that.”

“Just for the record, go fuck yourself.”

“I know, I know and I deserve it.”

“I mean, I would but that’s probably only because Daybreaker put some kind of spell on me that makes it impossible to refuse your orders.”

Still looking away, Sunny nodded. “You’re right, again. But I knew that to really use the Elements, the tests had to be sincere. That was something that both books agreed on.”

“What tests? What do you mean?”

Sunny poured herself a glass of water before continuing. When she sat down, she did so next to me. I stood up.
“Basically, everything we had encountered leading up to the Vault of the Elements was a test of some attribute. Not, as would think, the Elements of Harmony. None of us were assigned any sort of positive role.”

“Makes a surprising amount of sense, so far. Well, it would if this wasn’t a dangerous forest filled with murderous monsters that would have tried to kill us anyway.”

“Think about it, Sunset. Our encounter with the Jabberwocky.”

“I have. It was exhilarating until Indigo decided to start mutilating the thing.”

“Indeed. And what is the opposite of Kindness.”

“Cruelty. Obviously.”

“And another one. What about Pizzicato? Lemon managed to trick her into helping us across the canyon. Does that speak of Honesty to you, or of Deceit?”

“Actually, Sugarcoat would have been the Element of Honesty. She’s the most honest pony I ever met and, for the record, a way nicer and more attractive pony than could ever be.”

“You don’t have to rub it in. I’m sorry. But she’s only one out of five. What about Sour? What Element can you assign her.”
“Beats me.” I shrugged, “She's a massive bitch.”

“Exactly my point. She’s Greed. It all fits, doesn’t it? Sour Sweet is Greed, Lemon Zest is Deceit, and Indigo Zap is Cruelty. And Sugarcoat is actually Misanthropy, by the way, not Honesty.”

Four for five, if she isn’t lying.

“Alright. What are you?”

She pointed to herself, “Why, I’m Treason, of course.”

Smart mare. Absolute prick, but intelligent.

“Sure. Let’s say that I believe you. What then, do we just go to the dungeons and free the others, then blast Daybreaker’s ass back into the Sun?”

“More or less. But they didn’t listen to me.” Sunny sighed.

“I cannot imagine why they didn’t.”

“But I hoped you would. You did, last time.”

“You mean your inane list of questions about Canterlot? I only listened because I thought I could get sex and booze out that. And I’m one for two at this point.”

She smiled coyly, reaching out a hoof. “We still have time to change that.”

“I’d rather be burnt alive again than touch you right about now.”

She withdrew her front leg. “Of course. Of course, you would rather do that. But, let’s go get the others, alright?”
“Give me an hour to think about it. I’m tired of talking to you.”

“Very well, please make the right choice,” Sunny said, getting up and starting for the door.
“One last thing. What’s my Element then?” I asked.

“Magic. Our little argument in the library should've told you that much.” She said, shutting the door behind her.
> You will find here in the fire
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I didn’t need an hour to think about it. What did I even have to lose? If Sunny Flare was actually telling the truth and the thing on my head was really the Element of Magic then I almost felt obliged to finish what I started. If not, well, I’m sure I can accidentally cause a chunk of ceiling to fall on her. This place is ancient, I’m sure nopony of actual value would bat an eyelid. But that didn’t mean I wanted to talk to her again. I spent the hour practicing my new magic instead and I liked what I saw. Normally, pony magic only lets us manipulate stuff, Pegasi can condense water vapor into clouds and Earth Ponies can grow food like its going out of fashion, but they can’t actually create anything new. I could.

I started off small, with the glass. After the third try, two of the little crystal tumblers stared back at me. After the fifth try, I had twenty. Pulling at the fundamental strings of the universe a little differently rewarded me with bourbon, and I’d even got most of it in the glasses too. Four drinks later and I felt ready to save the world.

“Alright, Sunny. I’ve made up my mind. You’re still in deep shit, but I’ll kill you later. Let’s go get the Elements.” I said, after teleporting out my room. I don’t know if it was from the surprise or from my threat, but she nearly jumped out of her skin, dropping a bag of jewelry, the ornate stuff clattering to the corridor’s tiles.

“Excellent, well the latter half is anyway.” She said, once her voice had come back.

“I guess those are the other Elements then?” I said, levitating one of the necklaces. The green gem was engraved with a slice of lemon and a salt dune, resembling Lemon Zest’s cutie mark of the stuff you drink with tequila. I hadn’t guessed the physical embodiment of lying was so fancy.

“Yes, these are the other Elements. Now, let’s hurry off to the dungeons before anything catches us.” Sunny said, taking it and stuffing it back in her saddlebag.

“Wait, catching us? There are guards here?”

“Of a sort. Not ponies though. They’re more like golems or elemental constructs.”

I grinned. “Cool. I’ve been itching to blow something up, and since you’re off the menu…”

“I’d still advise being somewhat stealthy. Not that I doubt you could defeat a brass golem, but I’d rather not alert the entire castle to our presence.”

“What, don’t they know you’re here? I thought the traitor got specials privileges?”

“They know I live here now, yes. They don’t know that I went back to the Vault and stole the Elements after Daybreaker left for battle in Griffonstone.”

“Then lead the way.”

Sunny obliged, and we walked through the halls. Loads had changed during the week I’d been out dead. The decayed stone had been refurbished and hemmed with glinting gold and gemstones. The ragged tapestries and carpets were remade into elegant scenes depicting Celestia’s majesty and the invading vines and grass had all been clipped away, leaving shining tile and paneling in its wake. Portraits hung on the walls, mosaics decorated the floors and the glass windows shimmered with enchantment. Cooling magic, I’d guess, since nothing inside was on fire. It was a palace fit for Princess, really.

After about half an hour of walking, Sunny stopped me, pulling me over into an alcove. Roughly. Like, mare, I’ve established that I’m no longer into you. No amount of touchy-feeling crap is changing that fact.

“Sunset, be quiet. I see one.” Sunny said, shushing me.

A cloud of hissing and sizzling orange smoke drifted past, swirling and leaving a faint trail of embers behind it. Within the whirlwind of molten metal, there shone a pair of rubies. The golem’s gemstone eyes scanned the hallway, and it clinked a sigh of relief once it found nothing. I started charging up a spell.

“Don’t you dare. It’ll alert Daybreaker.” Sunny whispered. Again, I felt the magic fade against my will, leaving an empty pit in my stomach.

A few minutes more than were necessary later, Sunny spoke up again, after peering around the marble column separating us from the room proper.

“I think they’re all gone.” She said, “Let’s go.”

“Finally. You know, I could have just teleported us out of the way.”

“I know that, dearie. I went to one of Luna’s Gifted Schools too. I am fully aware of how your magic functions.” She muttered.

“One, you absolutely aren’t. Two, Luna uses ‘gifted’ as a euphemism for 'retarded' when talking about Mud Ponies. Three, what would they even teach you, how to grow flowers and speak with a pretentious accent?”

“Oh, you’re one to talk, Miss Received Pronunciation. Let’s just go, please. I didn’t ask you to teleport me because I was worried you’d throw me off the roof.”

“Finally. An emotion that isn’t lust or regret. You were beginning to remind me of a teenage stallion’s Playcolt collection.”

Sunny rolled her eyes and kept walking. Good. The sooner we get this over with, the sooner I never have to see her again. Though I think I’ll keep the palace, it sure is roomier than my apartment back home. Hopefully, Daybreaker’s disintegrated the forest for me already. I do not want to have to clear that myself.

Before I knew it, we had arrived at the dungeons. Or, at least, the entrance to them. A cloud of sparkling gold blocked the doorway, its three pairs of marble eyes rising slightly when we approached.

“State your name and purpose, pony.” The golem hissed at Sunny.

“By the supreme edict of her majesty, Daybreaker, Princess of the Sun, Empress of the East, Slayer of Griffons and Devourer of Cake, get out of my way. My name is Sunrise Flare, and I have express permission to taunt the prisoners.”

“Acceptable. You may pass.” The golem fizzled, a hole appearing in it around the doorway. Sunny entered, unlocking the barred gate before gesturing to me.

“Well, aren’t you coming?”

I took a step forward. Instantly the golem flashed back into place, singing the tips of my mane to black and sending a jolt of shock down my horn. I hopped back at the thing started screaming.

“Intruder alert! Intruder alert!”

I pictured it at the bottom of a lake. Nowhere, in particular, just someplace far away and shit to be in. My magic did the rest. The way now clear, I entered the dungeon behind Sunny.

“Oh look, it’s Sunny Flare. Come to taunt us again, have you, you bitch?” Sour yelled.

“Calm yourself, Sour, I’m sure that she’s serious this time. Maybe she’s come to apologize again.” Sugarcoat said, “Maybe she’ll even be sincere about it.”

“Yeah, why don’t you just cut your throat already. If anypony’d miss you, they’re probably already dead!” Indigo yelled.

“I’ve heard enough. She’s telling the truth.” I said, stepping into the light of the cell’s single candle.

Four jaws hit the ground.

“Aren’t you supposed to be dead?” Sugarcoat asked, after wiping clean her glasses.

“Daybreaker underestimated who she was dealing with. Now stand back, I’ve got a door to open.” I said, my horn starting to glow.

Something exploded. And I didn’t do it. Once the dust had settled and the ringing in my ears had settled, I stood face to face with Daybreaker.

“I thought I smelled megalomania.” Sugarcoat deadpanned.

She raised a single, flaming eyebrow. “I knew I smelled insolence. What a shame it has to end like this. You would have been an excellent assistant, Alicorn.”

Her horn glowed an angry red, and the building crumbled. Bricks and mortar flew back as another bomb had gone off. The ceiling crumbled to ash, chunks of it glancing off of her battle-scarred armor. I put my new reflexes to good use and dodged the larger ones. The smaller ones didn’t even hurt. Seconds later, we stood in the basement of the castle, the rest of it torn away and thrown aside, making an earthquake upon landing some hundred miles away. I was beginning to regret my decision to save the world.

“Cool. You done showing off?” I said, levitating chunks of plaster out my hair.

“The show has just begun, Alicorn. Do you have any last words? I’m sure your fellow dissidents will remember them for as long as they live.” Daybreaker sneered.

“Yeah. I do, actually. But you can tell me yours first. You won’t have the privilege of hearing mine for a long, long time.” I said, taking a step forward to her. I even felt taller. Let's do this.

“Then perish!”

“That’s a stupid choice of last words.” Shouted Sugarcoat, from the miraculously mostly intact jail cell.

“Says the mortal. Perhaps, in time, you could have understood my machinations.” Daybreaker said, preparing to charge.

I teleported straight up, channeling magic through my wings to keep me afloat. It felt good, strange and almost disorienting, but good. Then Daybreaker hit me with a bolt of lightning. That did not feel good.

Taking to the skies herself, Daybreaker readied another shot as I blinked the ash out of my eyes.

This time I was ready. I put my new powers to good use and summoned a wall of glass, parrying the bolt. Only to be punched in the back by another. Cheat.

“Alright.” I coughed, “Enough playing around.”

I threw a ray of cold at the Alicorn. She ducked, no flickering, out the way as the ice blew apart a nearby tree. She responded with more lightning. I teleported out the way. Right into another bolt.

They were starting to sting., and she hadn’t even broken a sweat. I changed tactics, sending a fireball her way. She took it head on, the white-hot flames doing as much damage to her as butter would have. I ducked the next bolt, summoning another wall of glass and blocking the next few as well.

She shattered the shield with a tree trunk. Her next swipe knocked the air out my lungs and swatted me out of the sky. I cratered a mile away, spitting out spots of blood and bone. Now things really hurt, like I was being stabbed in the barrel by a knife rack’s worth of daggers. Gasping for air, I rerouted the magic from my horns and wings into my body, ordering my flesh to knit itself back together. I was too slow.

Daybreaker thundered down, throwing up a mountain of dirt and dust and rock when her armored hooves hit the ground. Her horn flashed again, and an ax of pure magic crashed into my skull.

I felt something pop as the left side of my vision went dark. A new burst of pain thumped with my heartbeat as Daybreaker raised her weapon again. I put up another shield, catching the blade, giving me just enough time to teleport out the way.

I cast Invisibility as a reappeared, hunkered down in the ruined castle. My breath returned after a few hoof-biting seconds of magic healing. I felt revitalized after I’d finished it, ready to take on a goddess again. I think I’ll need it.

“You most certainly will, alicorn. Now come out, and kneel down. I promise I’ll make your destruction swifter than last time.” Daybreaker said, bursting into view inches away.

I shut my lips and held my breath. Even from here, she burned with heat now that I was paying attention to it. The turned-over walls shook with each step as she stalked them, incinerating torn curtains and ruined furniture as she moved, muttering threats all the while.

“SUGARCOAT. OPEN THE DOOR TO THE JAIL. GIVE THEM THE ELEMENTS. I’LL DISTRACT DAYBREAKER.” I sent the telepathic message just in time, Daybreaker stomping by seconds later.

“Ah, there you are. Hiding under the floorboards, I have found you at last.” Daybreaker said, her axe slashing through my defenses. And my leg. I couldn’t stifle the scream. Or the spurting flow of arterial blood.

She didn’t bother wiping it off her face as she raised her axe again. I didn’t bother with a one-liner, instead starting up a pair of teleports.

She countered my own with a stamp of her hoof. I didn’t even that was possible. How strong is this cunt? Nevermind, I can still win this. I just need to buy some time.
“Now that you’re in one place again, how about that offer for those last words. I can assure you, you might not die, but you won’t have a tongue either.”

“Yeah, behind you. There’s a Siren and she is really angry.” I said, not looking up from the smoking wallpaper.

“You fool. I am omniscient! There is no Siren behind me. Now prepare to die.”

“A mare can dream, can’t she? And no, Pizzicato isn’t there. She wouldn’t fit. But Sugarcoat sure is, and she is not pleased to see you.

With my remaining front leg, I brought the Element of Magic back into existence on top of my head. The other mares had already donned their necklaces. All six of them began to glow and flicker erratically with a chaotic rainbow frenzy.

“I repeat, you malodorous toffee-nosed pervert, you waste of stretch-marked skin, you shit-eating excuse for a monarch, do you have any last words before my friends and I stick your fat ass back where it belongs?”

Daybreaker spun her head around the destroyed room. She gulped. “Sunrise of Clan Flare. You have betrayed me.” She eventually said.

Sunny nodded, “It’s what I do best. I am the Element of Treason, after all.”

“Then I shall rule alone and, if need be, I shall rule over naught but a graveyard.” She resigned, her armor melting away as she radiated heat.

Reflexively, Sugarcoat put up a shield.

Daybreaker melted it but she didn’t melt mine. I willed my leg back onto my body. I wouldn’t be running any marathons anytime soon, but that’s what the wings are for, I guess.

The Princess of the Sun continued to rise, cackling maniacally and smoldering with solar heat as our Elements flashed and charged up. Soon her horn brushed the now-floor of the room, and it disintegrated in a flash of light.

“Sunset, look.” Lemon pointed with a shaking hoof. Everything outside was beginning to burn, and the Sun took up the whole sky. It was flying toward us, like a meteor bigger than the planet.  

I focused on my magic. It had got me through everything so far, live and love and now, death. I wasn’t going to let the world be destroyed. I am Sunset Shimmer, and I do not lose.

My tiara shone with brilliant cyan light, soon being joined by shades of pink and green and red and yellow and silver. Daybreaker stopped levitating, her eyes snapping open, her mouth dropping into a silent scream as the ray of rainbow energy encircled her.

“Now you’re scared, Daybreaker, or is it, Celestia? You didn’t expect us to unlock Elements of Discord, did you?”

She turned her flaming orange eyes down to me, her face fixed into a pained sneer. She radiated brighter, the rainbow light seeming almost unsure about completing its task.

“Indigo Zap, who mauled a Jabberwocky, represents Cruelty,” I said, and the Pegasus’ necklace, a crimson thunderbolt, glowed proudly in response. It’s owner cheered.

“Sugarcoat, who refused to give into the clown’s torment, represents Misanthropy.” Again, her amulet, a single stylized slice of cake, flickered and throbbed with a pink light.

“Sour Sweet, who refused to surrender her loot even in the face of death, represents Greed.” Sour nodded, the twin smiling and frowning masks of crystal that made up her necklaces sparkled with new intensity.

“Lemon Zest, who tricked a Siren into giving us passage, represents Deceit!”

“And Sunny Flare, who betrayed both you and me in order to save the world, represents the Element of Treason.” Sunny’s necklace, a half-sun rising over the horizon, twinkled and flashed. She smiled nervously, with what almost looked like relief.

Daybreaker laughed weakly as the rainbows began to pick up speed again, “And what of yourself, little pony? Though you possess it, I doubt you can fathom its true purpose. That Element has remained a mystery even to my very sister.”

“Bullshit. I know exactly what it's for. Sure, you might be Princess of the Sun, Celestia, but I, Sunset Shimmer, am the Alicorn of the Day. I am Magic!”

The Elements of Discord consumed the mad tyrant in a vortex of swirling color, blaring sound and debilitating chaos. She let through a single, furious scream as it dragged her back into her prison and forcing both her and the star away from Equestria at last, slowly at first but then suddenly snapping both across thousands of miles in a single second, leaving an empty quiet, calm and cool, in its wake. Flashes of green and blue began to return to the landscape and the Sun began to set. For a moment, I spotted the Sun morph into the howling face of Daybreaker as it drifted below the horizon. Then everything went black.

Finally.