Inspection
Applejack checked her phone: 3:46 pm. Still about an hour left before she had to meet up with the rest of her friends at the Equestrialand Showplex. After their last visit, which was all but ruined thanks to shenanigans caused by a certain magical phone, everyone had decided to make another attempt at enjoying the theme park. So far, nothing out of the ordinary had happened, and for Applejack at least, no news was indeed good news. She had split up from the rest of the group for the moment—she wanted to see her cousin Apple Butter, who had brought her family’s prized cow for the livestock showcase—but she and the others promised to meet up later for a drumline performance they were all interested in.
Applejack walked around aimlessly, just taking in the sights. She had to admit, without the threat of Equestrian magic nor a strained relationship with Rarity, the fun of the park was much easier to see: rides eliciting screams of thrill, and perhaps fright, from guests; carnival games that rewarded prizes that were far too big to be practical; food stalls that left a plethora of aromas all clashing for attention…
That was when Applejack noticed her stomach making pained noises at her. It was only mid-afternoon, but at this rate, she figured a little something to hold her until dinner was an appealing idea. She looked around at the stalls, trying to find something that got her taste buds watering. Her eyes stopped on the caramel apple stand, and she made her choice. Her friends would probably tell her she liked apples far too much for her own good, but she wasn’t going to change that anytime soon.
She walked up to the service counter, where she saw, somewhat surprisingly, her fellow classmate Micro Chips still manning the booth. Chips turned around when he noticed he had a customer. “Hello, there. What can I—?!” He stopped when he realized who was there. “Oh, hey, Applejack.”
“Uh, ‘Hey,’ yerself,” she replied. “You still workin’ here?” she asked. “Ah thought after what happened with Vignette, you weren’t gonna be here no more.”
“Well, after everything that happened with the parade and whatnot,” Chips said, “Ms. Valencia decided to rescind any and all decisions regarding termination.” Applejack slightly rolled her eyes; it was as though Chips always had to say everything like he had spent his life reading a thesaurus and nothing else. Not that she could, or even would, change that about him; it was one of those oddities that was actually kind of charming in a weird way. Besides, she still knew what he was saying. For the most part.
Chips continued talking, not noticing Applejack’s expression. “She even realized her mistake of trying to mix-and-match occupations and aesthetics, so she allowed us to choose where to work based on our own preferences.”
“Well, glad to hear she’s takin’ the whole defeat thing in stride,” Applejack remarked. “But, then, why are you still here?”
“As much as I’ll admit that the culinary arts are not my strong suit, it’s never too late to learn a new craft and add new skills to one’s repertoire.” He started dipping an apple into the caramel vat. “That and they were still short one caramel apple seller.”
“Yer jus’ stickin’ an apple on a stick into some goop,” Applejack pointed out. “It’s hardly rocket science.”
“Maybe to a seasoned veteran,” Chips argued, “but for a novice, you never know when acquiring new talents will come in handy.” He pulled the apple out of the caramel, revealing a rather well-made treat, much better than the last time Applejack saw him. “Besides,” he continued, “if I don’t keep at it, how will I get better?”
“Heh, guess Ah can’t argue with that,” she admitted. She pulled out a dollar bill and placed it on the counter. Chips, in turn, handed her the apple. She bit into it, chewed, then spoke again. “But, uh, a little tip from a ‘seasoned veteran:’ go a little easier on the caramel. Ya don’t wanna overpower the apple part.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Chips said.
Applejack waved him goodbye and walked back into the park. It didn’t take her too long to finish her apple, which proved to sate her earlier hunger quite well. She found a nearby garbage can and tossed the stick inside. Just as she pondered where she should go next, though…
“HALT!” She heard a gruff, if light, masculine voice call from behind. She turned to see what was going on. To her surprise, it was the security guard she ran into the last time she came to the park. She had met him after Pinkie made her “deputy fun inspector,” and he had nearly taken her in for impersonating an actual law official. Things had only gotten weirder when he mistook her for a legitimate deputy fun inspector, even after she tried to assert she wasn’t and that her “badge” meant absolutely nothing to anyone. In all fairness, it had led to figuring out Vignette Valencia’s plot, but that was more of a happy accident.
What wasn’t so happy, however, was the guard; in fact, he seemed quite unhappy. “So,” he said, “we meet again, hmm?”
“Uh, hi?” Applejack offered nervously. Then she realized something; maybe she just missed the garbage can when she finished her caramel apple. “Look, if this is about the stick Ah threw, Ah’ll pick it up right away.” She looked back at the garbage can, but she didn’t see the stick. “Except it looks like Ah didn’t miss…”
“Oh, trying to play innocent, huh?” the guard said. “Nice try, missy, but you ain’t getting away with it this time.”
“Gettin’ away with what?” Applejack asked.
“You’re really going to make me play this game, huh? Fine.” The guard cleared his throat. “Young lady, as of this moment, I’m taking you into custody for impersonating an officer of the law.”
Applejack blanched for a moment before sighing in exasperation. “Oh fer the love of… This again? Ah tried to tell you last time; it weren’t even a real badge, my friend just…!”
“So you admit it, then,” the guard interrupted.
“What? No, that ain’t what Ah was sayin’.”
“No use trying to con your way out of it this time, sister. You want to make this easier for yourself? Just come along quietly.”
Applejack held her forehead in her hand and sighed again. Just like last time, there was no getting through to the man, and it was worse this time because he seemed to realize his blunder—just not in the way Applejack would have wanted him to realize. But at this point, her options were limited: she could either continue to explain, to no avail, that she meant no dishonesty with that stupid badge Pinkie foisted on her; or she could go with him and hopefully work things out peacefully in a more controlled environment.
“OK, fine. Let’s git this over with,” she said resignedly.
The guard led Applejack to the same security office that he had before. She remembered how he had let her use the space for her “deputy fun inspector duties,” despite telling him numerous times that he had the wrong idea. Come to think of it, Applejack wasn’t sure how he had come to that conclusion in the first place; according to Pinkie, she had made up the whole “fun inspector” shtick on a whim, even going so far as to make her “uniform” out of stuff she found from the park’s garbage bins.
Between last week and her current situation, Applejack was beginning to suspect the park attracted all the weird ones.
The mood around the office was slightly similar to last time, with the guard caught up in his delusioned ideas and Applejack insisting otherwise, though with the obvious difference being that, before, he was more than happy to help her complete her “mission,” whereas now, he just seemed determined to accuse her of wrongdoing.
“Put your valuables in the basket,” the guard said, indicating to a small basket near the entrance. Begrudgingly, Applejack took out her phone, keys, and wallet and placed them inside. “Have a seat right there,” the guard continued, pointing to a table with two chairs on either side. Applejack sat down on one side while he took the other. He stared at her for a moment. “So, what do you have to say for yourself?”
Applejack breathed once. “It’s like Ah tried to tell ya since last week; I ain’t no ‘deputy fun inspector.’”
“On this we agree,” he replied. “And here we are.”
“But Ah weren’t trying ta impersonate one, neither,” she insisted. “Mah friend just came up an…!” She was interrupted by a loud beeping sound.
The guard sighed. “Of all the times.” He turned to a two-way radio hanging from his shirt collar and pressed the button. “Officer Watchful Eye here, over.”
The voice on the radio crackled out, “Hey, uh, we got a situation at the cotton candy booth. Couple of rowdy kids wanna lick the stuff out of the machine, and we’re just barely holding ‘em back.”
“Fifth time this week, I swear,” Watchful Eye whispered to himself. He turned back to the radio. “Just hold ‘em as best you can; I’ll be right down.” He looked back at Applejack. “I gotta take care of something. Just sit tight ‘till I get back.” He got up to leave.
Suddenly, Applejack got an idea. “Hey, uh, mind if Ah make a quick phone call?”
“Do whatever you want,” Watchful Eye said as he got to the door, “but use the office phone. I want to keep things straight for the record.” He walked out the door, nearly slamming it as it closed.
Applejack looked around and saw her target. To her surprise, it was an old rotary phone, similar to the one Granny Smith still liked to use back at the farm. Wow, this guy’s more old-school than Ah thought. She walked up to it and removed the receiver. As she dialed the number she wanted, she thought, Here’s hopin’ it actually works fer a cell.
She finished dialing and held the receiver to her ear. She heard the ring tone go off. Then again. And once more.
“Heellloooo! Pinkie Pie here! How may I assist you in your merrymaking?”
“Pinkie, it’s Applejack.”
“Oh, hey, Applejack. Wait. If you’re Applejack, how come my caller ID didn’t say so? Does it hate you now?”
“Nothing so… that,” Applejack replied. “My phone’s been confiscated by security, so Ah have ta use their phone for the time bein’.”
“Oh, okay. That makes much more sense. Eeexcept for the part about security; that came out of nowhere.”
“That’s actually why Ah wanted to talk to you.” Applejack breathed in. “Remember last week when ya made me ‘deputy fun inspector?’”
“Of course. It pretty much saved the park. Why do you ask?”
“Well, the only reason I was able to do that was because the security guard escorted me ta his office. But now, he’s got me locked up fer ‘impersonatin’ an officer.’”
“What?! That’s just silly!”
“Ah realize that, but he don’t. Ah was hopin’ you could come down here and help me explain the whole thing.”
“Fear not, Applejack. By the time I’m through, that security guard will have nothing to say but apologies.”
“Glad ta hear it, Pinkie.” The door suddenly opened again and Watchful Eye walked back in. “Ah gotta go,” Applejack said to Pinkie. “Just get here quick as you can.”
“Okie dokie lokie!” She heard Pinkie hang up and replaced the receiver. She walked back to her seat.
“Darn kids,” Watchful Eye whispered to himself. “You’d think common sense would at least make that much sense, but noooooo.” He broke himself out of his mumbling and refocused on Applejack. “So, where were we?”
“Ah was tellin’ ya about mah friend and how she gave me that badge,” Applejack said.
“A likely story,” Watchful Eye said. “You expect me to believe that someone walked up to you with a badge, says, ‘Here, now you’re my deputy,’ and you just go along with it?”
“Well, it weren’t just anyone. Trust me, if you knew this gal even half as well as Ah do, ya eventually just learn ta roll with it.”
“So, you just decided to take her badge and parade around the park like a legitimate deputy fun inspector?”
“And that’s the other thing Ah keep tryin’ ta tell ya; Ah ain’t never even heard a’ such a thing. Mah friend told me she made the whole thing up before she even gave me the badge. Again, ya kinda expect this sort a’ thing from her.”
“Riiight,” Watchful Eye said. He looked like he was scrutinizing Applejack, as if he was trying to decide if she was lying or spouting nonsense.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. “Oh for the love of… What now?”
Applejack smiled confidently. “That would be mah phone call. She’ll explain everythin’.”
“We’ll see.” Watchful Eye walked to the door. He looked back at Applejack skeptically before turning the knob.
As soon as the door was ajar, a veritable explosion of confetti burst into the room, forcing the door the rest of the way open. Watchful Eye was knocked back, and Applejack had to shield herself with her arms. Once the confetti started to clear up, Applejack, while brushing off her hat, exclaimed, “Pinkie! What on earth do ya think yer do… in’…?”
Then she finally got a look at Pinkie herself; she was wearing mishmash of clothes that looked like they came from the garbage. The hat she wore had a star shaped emblem on the front. She even had a party blower in her mouth held like a cigar.
This was the outfit Pinkie wore as “fun inspector.”
Great, Applejack thought, Ah’m goin’ ta jail.
“Young lady!” Watchful Eye yelled. “What is the meaning of this?”
“Pinkamena Diane Pie, fun inspector,” Pinkie replied in an overly serious tone.
“Pinkie,” Applejack said, “what the Sam Hill are…?!” She was stopped by a pink finger pushed to her mouth, which was weird, considering Pinkie was still at the door the last time she checked.
“Shh! I got this,” Pinkie whispered with a smile.
“You expect me to believe some kid like you is a fun inspector, too?” Watchful Eye asked angrily. “Do you kids think I was born yesterday?”
“Given how old you look,” Pinkie responded, “I’m going to assume that’s a trick question.”
Applejack silently considered the quality of prison food.
“But since you don’t seem to believe me,” Pinkie continued, “my credentials.” She pulled her wallet out of her pants and opened it on top of the table. Applejack looked at it; there was a badge inside it, and it actually looked fairly real, with its metallic appearance and golden shine. It was in a similar shape and design to the badge Pinkie had given her, except for the added lettering along the top reading, “Fun Inspector.”
“Okay,” Watchful Eye said, his tone becoming less confrontational. “I’ll buy that, I guess.”
Wait, what?
“At any rate,” he continued, “this young lady claims you gave her a badge for deputy fun inspector, but when I checked things out later, I saw no mention of anyone on the force matching her description. You wanna explain that?”
Things were beginning to make more sense to Applejack, except they really didn’t.
“Oooohhh,” Pinkie said. “Okay, I see what’s going on here.”
Glad one of us does.
“It was a very last-minute call. See, when I came here last week, I could tell something was up. And when I ran into Applejack later on, I saw an opportunity to have an extra set of eyes. So, yeah, I made her my deputy. Simple as that.”
“And you didn’t think to make this official at any point?” Watchful Eye asked.
Pinkie coughed uncomfortably. “Weeeeeelllllll, paperwork isn’t exactly my strongest skillset. I just live in the moment, you know.”
Watchful Eye looked at Applejack, as if asking her to confirm. Still confused, Applejack decided to take her own advice and just roll with it. “Yeah, that’s true, alright. You shoulda seen the time she wrote her English midterm about the best flan recipe.”
“Besides!” Pinkie continued. “Without her help, and yours, I might add, last week’s Light Parade would have ended in a much different, and quite un-fun, result.”
Watchful Eye mulled to himself for a moment. “Tell me, Inspector, who’s your CO?”
“Captain Cheese Sandwich, Canterlot Precinct.”
Are they bein’ serious right now?
“Give me a moment,” he said. “I have to make a call.” He walked up to the phone and started dialing.
Applejack took this moment to tap Pinkie on the shoulder. “Pinkie, Ah know Ah probably shouldn’t question this, but what in the name of Sweet Apple Farm is goin’ on here?”
“I’ll explain later,” Pinkie whispered back. Applejack wasn’t sure if she could wait that long at this rate.
“Yes, is there a Captain Cheese Sandwich I can talk to?” Watchful Eye suddenly asked. There was a pause. “Captain, this is Watchful Eye, head of security at Equestrialand Theme Park… I’ve got one of your inspectors here, one Pinkamena Diana Pie?”
“Diane, actually,” Pinkie corrected.
“Diane Pie,” Watchful Eye amended. Another pause. “She made one of her friends a deputy and, apparently, hasn’t filled out the proper paperwork… Mhm… Mhm… Mhm… Okay, I’ll tell them. Thank you for your time… Will do.” He hung up the phone and walked back to Pinkie. “Well, looks like your story checks out. Your captain can vouch for your character, and all things considered, your actions did lead to an overall positive result. But he asked me to tell you that he’d like to speak with you personally at the earliest chance you can manage.”
Pinkie seemed to slouch a bit, but she saluted anyway. “Yes, sir,” she said, though with not as much enthusiasm as she had before.
Watchful Eye then turned to Applejack. “As for you, seeing as your actions did save the parade and the park, the captain’s willing to overlook your unauthorized status. However, as of this moment, you are hereby stripped of your position as deputy fun inspector indefinitely.”
Applejack blinked a couple times. “Uh, don’t worry ‘bout me; I ain’t gonna be too broken up about it.”
“Very well, then, you two are dismissed.” Watchful Eye went to the door and opened it. He stood off to the side and signaled the two girls out. Applejack got up from her seat and, after retrieving her belongings, walked out of the room, with Pinkie following behind. As they stepped outside, Watchful Eye called out, “Sorry for the inconvenience. Enjoy the park!”
“See?” Pinkie said. “Told you I’d make him apologize.”
“Don’t think yer off the hook yet, Pinkie,” Applejack replied harshly. “You still owe me an explanation. Yer tellin’ me that this whole ‘fun inspector’ gig is real? And after ya told me you made it all up?”
“Oh yeah,” Pinkie said. “I guess I did promise you, huh? Well, to answer your question, yes, fun inspector is an actual thing, though it’s more of a side job than anything else. I mean, I wasn’t lying about the whole freelance bit.”
“Then why’dja tell me you made it up?”
“Applejack, be honest,” Pinkie said. Her voice was more serious now, and not in the same way she had been when confronting Watchful Eye. “If I told you that being a fun inspector was a legit thing, would you have believed me?”
Applejack paused for a moment. She wasn’t too sure what to say. On the one hand, yes, it did sound so ridiculous that it couldn’t possibly be real. On the other hand, though, Pinkie was a mystery-and-a-half in her own right, so the idea of her being a legitimate “fun inspector” might not have been too far off.
So she went with the only response she could think of. “Ah… Ah’m not too sure.”
“Look, Applejack,” Pinkie went on, “even I know I can be a little offbeat sometimes. That’s just who I am. But that also means I know my limits, and yours too. I’d just rather not give you more crazy than you can handle. I mean, between high school shenanigans and Equestrian magic, I think we have enough crazy as is.”
“Guess Ah can’t argue with that,” Applejack replied. “So, all that stuff you said back there, about makin’ me a set of extra eyes to help you out, that was true too?”
“Let’s just say you weren’t the only one getting weird vibes from Vignette when we met her,” Pinkie said. “All that social media talk nearly made my head spin. And when I ran into you, I knew you’d be the perfect deputy.”
“Can’t say it didn’t work out in the end, huh?” Applejack said. “So, uh, what happens to you now?”
“Eh, captain’s orders. He’s probably gonna wanna talk about my methods and maybe stress the importance of proper paperwork procedure.”
“Sorry if Ah got ya inta any trouble,” Applejack said sorrowfully.
“Oh, I wouldn’t worry too much,” Pinkie replied. “Cheese is an understanding kind of guy, so I doubt I’ll be in too much trouble.” As she finished her sentence, Pinkie took out her phone. “Ooh, it’s almost 4:30! The drumline’s gonna start soon. We gotta meet up with the others pronto!”
“But what about yer captain?” Applejack pointed out. “Don’tcha gotta meet with him?”
“He said to come at the earliest chance I get,” Pinkie argued, “but no fun inspector, not even a captain, is gonna suggest this doesn’t come first. It’s in our motto: ‘We do pleasure before business because our business is pleasure.’”
Applejack just chuckled and ran off after Pinkie.
FIN