> Hearth's Warming Treasure > by CategoricalGrant > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Holiday Confusion > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- You are the only human in Equestria. It’s been a difficult transition the last several months. It was hard to be away from your family and friends in a strange world, but thankfully you had made plenty of friends that helped you pass the time and deal with your emotional baggage. It was thanks to these friends that you were where you are at this moment: Pinkie Pie’s annual Hearth’s Warming Eve Party, hosted at Sugarcube Corner. It’s been a real bonanza so far- it looks like half the town showed up, and the first floor of Sugarcube Corner was absolutely packed with ponies chatting, eating, and merrily enjoying the holiday spirit and the company of others. It was nice that some of the holidays in Equestria matched up with those on Earth. In particular, you had enjoyed dressing up for Nightmare Night. Hearth’s Warming, however, was so similar to Christmas that you almost felt...at home. You feel a tugging at the leg of your jeans. Looking down, your eyes widen as you see the soft pink mane of Fluttershy and her wide, shimmery blue eyes. “Oh, hello there, Fluttershy,” you greet. “Are you enjoying the party?” She nods softly. “Umm, so, I was wondering if maybe, since we’re under the mistletoe, if maybe you’d want to kiss or something?” You furrow your brow. “You’re going to have to speak up, Fluttershy! I can’t hear you over the roar of the party.” “Ummm, so, you’re under the mistletoe, and so I was wondering if you wanted to maybe kiss me?” You stick a pinkie in your left ear to clear it before cupping your hand around it. “One more time?” “Umm-” Just then, Pinkie Pie leaps on top of Fluttershy, crushing her into the floor. “Pinkie!” you call joyously in greeting. “This is such a great party, thanks for inviting me!” “You’re welcome! Happy Hearth’s Warming, bestest friend!” she squeals, holding out a tray of intricately-prepared drinks topped with all manner of sweet creams and candies. “You look thirsty! Take a hot chocolate!” You oblige her, taking one of the scrumptious looking cocktails from her tray. “Gee, thanks, Pinkie. But, I’m not really your best friend, am I? We’ve only known each other for a few months!” Pinkie Pie lets out a joyous laugh, complete with a punctuating snort. “Silly, everypony here is my best friend!” Looking around, she leans in toward you. “Be careful; this tray is filled with hot chocolates that have a secret ingredient in them.” Pulling away, Pinkie slaps a hoof to her cheek. “Ahh! I can’t keep a secret! It’s creme de cacao!” You put a hand on your hip and shake your head in resigned affection. “Oh, Pinkie, you troublemaker, you!” Pinkie Pie lets out a giggle and begins to hop away. “Enjoy the party!” “Thanks!” You turn your attention back to the floor. “Sorry Fluttershy, what we-...Fluttershy?” You look around the crowded parlor and spy Fluttershy’s hindquarters as she weakly crawls away across the floor. “Huh...She must’ve seen somepony else she knew.” You look back to your right and almost spill your hot chocolate as you come face to face with Twilight Sparkle, who is resting her head on her forelegs immediately next to you. “Oh, geeze, Princess Twilight Sparkle, you scared the jeepers out of me,” you breathe. “Sorry to scare you,” she replies, her eyes lidded in a rather romantic fashion. “And, please, ‘Twilight’ is just fine.” Taking a moment to recover, you take a sip of your hot chocolate, which, by the way, is incredibly tasty. “Hoo! Well, it’s nice to see you. How is your Hearth’s Warming season so far?” Twilight slowly draws a hoof over the table in small circles as she stares intently into your eyes. “Oh, things are going well, I- OH LOOK! We’re seated underneath the mistletoe!” Cocking an eyebrow, you look up to find that, by chance, you had situated yourself below one of the many sprigs of mistletoe Pinkie Pie had rigged to hang from the ceiling. “Oh, look at that!” you remark cooly. “So,” Twilight breathes heavily, “I guess this means that, as per tradition, we’re required to-” “Did you know that mistletoe is a parasite?” you say, looking up at it with wonder. “Yes,” she says curtly. “I know everything. Now, since we’re under the mistletoe, we should-” “Did you also know that mistletoe is poisonous?” Twilight lets out an annoyed huff. “Yes, it contains a potent ribosome-inactivating lectin with enteric cytotoxicity. Now, are we going to smooch, or what?” “Well, I guess we should since we’re here,” you say, turning your attention back to Twilight. Just then, a berry falls from the mistletoe into your hot cocoa. “Oh no!” you seethe. “Now my drink is poisoned!” Twilight leans forward to place a hoof around your neck, which you promptly use as support in standing up. “Hold on Twilight, I gotta get a new mug from Pinkie Pie.” You skillfully work your way around Twilight’s flailing, affectionate hoof-arcs and towards the other side of the room. “Darn it,” Twilight hisses once you are out of earshot. “There’s no way he’s getting away that easily. Before the end of the night, I will kiss that human under the mistletoe!” “Come on, Rainbow Dash, stop fibbin’.” “I’m not kidding, AJ!” Rainbow Dash spits back, slapping a hoof on the table. “Twilight told me; I heard it from the horse’s mouth!” Applejack’s ears perk up. “Well, ah still don’t believe none of it! There’s just no way it could be true.” Sniffing, Rainbow Dash leans back in her chair. “Okay, fine. Suit yourself. I, on the other hoof…” She kicked her hooves back and out of her seat, standing up. “Am gonna kiss him.” Applejack’s eyes shoot back and forth several times between the table in front of her, Rainbow Dash, and you, standing on the far side of the bakery. Applejack suddenly tenses her muscles, as does Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy furtively looks back and forth before opening the window. Along with a gust of cold air, two winter birds enter and perch on the inner windowsill, ruffling their feathers to rid themselves of the snow. “Oh, I’m so glad you were able to come, friends,” Fluttershy coos to the new entrants. The birds chirp briefly. “Oh, umm, well, I tried,” Fluttershy admits shamefully. “But he wasn’t able to hear me! I just got so nervous that I couldn’t speak up.” The birds share a brief glance, before appearing to take on a displeased disposition and emitting some scolding titters. “I know, I know. But I can’t try again! I just know I’ll be too timid to follow through…” One bird pauses for a moment and tilts his head before letting out a crescendo that sounds like a suggestion. Fluttershy gasps. “Oh my goodness! That’s a great idea. He’ll have to kiss me then!” “Fluttershy, darling!” a proper-sounding voice cries from beside her. Fluttershy’s wings flare in surprise. “Eep.” “Who on earth are you trying to kiss, dear?” Rarity asks. “And do tell me the truth, or I’ll tell Mrs. Cake you let birds inside to defecate on her windowsill.” Fluttershy bites her lip and looks around guiltily. The birds do so as well. “Fluttershy…” “Oh, alright,” Fluttershy softly sighs. Tentatively, she lifts a shaking hoof to point at you on the other side of the crowded room. Rarity cocks an eyebrow in scandalous surprise. “My my, Fluttershy, our new arrival? I didn’t have you picked out as an adventurous one.” Fluttershy blushed bright red. “Oh, goodness no,” she reassured Rarity. “I-I don’t l-l-love him, or anything.” “You must forgive me if I don’t believe you, dear,” Rarity chides, readjusting her colored light-studded ushanka with a hoof. “If you don’t fancy him, then why in Equestria would you be trying to kiss him? Are you trying to spite another mare? Believe me, there are far better ways to-” Fluttershy shakes her head back and forth emphatically. “Oh, no, I would never hurt anypony’s feelings on purpose.” “Well then what is it, darling?” Rarity demands, stamping a hoof impatiently. Fluttershy looks around carefully before leaning in to whisper in Rarity’s ear. As soon as she is finished, Rarity scoffs. “Come on, now, Fluttershy, do you seriously expect me to believe that? Him?” Fluttershy nods. “I heard it right from Twilight.” “I’m sure you misunderstood her, then.” “N-no, I’m sure that’s what she said. She was very clear.” A brief moment of uncertainty flashes across Rarity’s features before she looks over toward you. “...Are you certain?” Fluttershy nods. Rarity’s lips fold into a pout. “Well, dear, don’t you worry about it. I think that I’m more his style anyway, wouldn’t you agree?” Chuckling and flicking her mane, she leaves, sallying towards you. One of the birds tweets briefly. Fluttershy almost chokes on her gasp. “Oh, my goodness! Mister Flappington, language!” You are able to secure another mug of hot chocolate in short order and retreat to the corner of the bakery to enjoy it. You take a sip and sigh. “That’s the stuff.” “Howdy there, pardner!” Looking down, you make eye contact with Applejack. “AJ! How’s it hangin’?” “How’s what hanging?” she asks. You furrow your brow. “Uhm, I don’t know. The apples?” “Harvest season’s over.” You clear your throat awkwardly. “Well, uh, nevermind. How’s your Hearth’s Warming so-” “Oh my gawsh!” she drawls, slapping a hoof over her mouth. “Wouldya look at that, we’re standing under the mistletoe!” You look up. Sure enough, Applejack is right. “Oh wow, again, huh?” “We gotta kiss now! My Pa always told me that not followin’ the mistletoe tradition would lead to ten years of bad harvests!” Tossing her head, she blinks cutely at you several times. “Well, of course not, Applejack. Let’s kiss and-” You stop immediately as you notice something on the floor. “Hey, somepony dropped a button on the floor!” Stooping down to pick it up, you hear a whooshing sound just over your head, followed by a thick crunching sound. “Oooow!” Startled, you leap upward and spin around. “Rainbow Dash, is that you?” Rainbow Dash is crumpled in a very painful-looking heap on the ground, with a dent in the wall clearly visible behind her. Lips quivering, she sniffles as a small trickle of blood comes out of her nostril. Immediately, you lean down and scoop her into your arms. “What happened?” “I-I was just trying to give you a kiss, s-since you were under the mistletoe,” she shakily explains. “B-but you ducked!” “Aw, I’m sorry Dashie. Do you want one now?” Rainbow Dash nods softly. “Mmhmm.” She puckers her lips and leans toward you. Applejack’s hoof blocks her muzzle from advancing any further. “Now, hold on, Sugarcube, ya’ll have to kiss me before her! Them’s the rules, since I was here first. Ya’ll don’t want my family’s apple farm to fail, do you?” You scrunch up your face in thought, unsure of what to do next. “Oh, my goodness, I’m so happy!” cooes a new voice. Immediately, you’re knocked into the dent Rainbow Dash made in the wall, dropping her in the process. Rarity pins you to the wall in an aggressive hug. “Oh darling, I’m so happy you were waiting here under the mistletoe for me!” “Uhhhhh…” Rainbow Dash rises shakily to her hooves as Applejack pries Rarity off of you. “Rarity, what are you doing? Wait yer darn turn!” “How about both of you lay off!?” Rainbow Dash seethes, her voice still slightly shaky from what you guess is pain. “Uhh, wow,” you begin, scratching your arm bashfully. “I guess I’m really popular tonight! It must be the love of the holiday season in the air, huh?” “Shut up darling, the ponies are talking,” Rarity dismisses, waving a hoof at you before Applejack nabs her ushanka with a hoof. Sensing an opportunity, Rainbow Dash lunges for you, but trips over Rarity’s back hoof. Soon, the three ponies are in a pile, struggling violently for control. On the other end of the room, Twilight scowls at the scene unfolding in front of her. Mumbling ruminations to herself, she disdainfully takes a swig from her hot cider. “This is the last time I ever share my research notes with anypony…” “Now, now, Twilight, sharing knowledge is an important facet of friendship!” Freezing in place, Twilight slowly cranes her neck around to look behind her. Her eyes widen. “Princess Celestia! Princess Luna! When did you get here?” “I’m sorry we’re late, but somepony didn’t pick up the mail this morning, so we didn’t get Pinkie’s invitation until an hour ago,” Princess Celestia half-scolds and half-apologizes. Princess Luna stomps a hoof and exhales forcefully through her nostrils. “Sister is just jealous that nopony came to greet her at the door and kiss her rump, as she has come to expect.” Princess Celestia rolls her eyes. “I think everypony might have been a little distracted by your friends fighting, Twilight.” “Indeed!” Princess Luna’s eyes shimmer with excitement as she watches you stand, flummoxed, next to the three wrestling mares. “I am glad to see that the traditional Hearth’s Warming Feats of Strength are still practiced amongst the peasantry!” Twilight scowls and growls at the dogpile of ponies. “They aren’t. They’re fighting over who gets to kiss him first.” Princess Celestia frowns. “Who? The human?” Twilight nods slowly. “...I am disgusted,” Princess Luna begins. “But intrigued.” “He gave me some of his books on Earth holidays for me to study,” Twilight explains. “Many holidays there are celebrated almost exactly as they are in Equestria, and through careful study I found that humans have a magical power related to their version of Hearth’s Warming, which they call ‘Christmas’.” Twilight slowly turns her attention back to the Princesses, her demeanor grave, as if she was about to relate news of great importance. “Every year, the first being to kiss a human being under the mistletoe gains access to their treasure.” Celestia and Luna share a curious glance. “Treasure?” Twilight nods. “Sources seem to disagree on exactly what the treasure is, although many mention a box full of platinum bullion. Regardless, it’s obviously a treasure trove of immense  wealth.” Twilight stands up from her seat. “I should have never let anypony know about it, and now it seems it’s gotten out. I’m sorry, Your Highnesses, but if you’ll excuse me, I have to sort my friends out.” As Twilight walks over toward the melee, Princess Celestia looks hopefully at her sister. “Luna, are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Luna nods. “With the treasure, we could-” “Pay off Equestria’s National Debt!” “Purchase a diamond toilet!” They speak simultaneously. “What?” “What?” Princess Celestia scrunches up her muzzle. “Alright, so, let’s just agree to disagree?” “Lets.” “...To the victor go the spoils, then?” “Alright, Alright, break it up!” Twilight calls as she wades into the pile of bodies, using her magic to separate her friends. “What in Equestria is wrong with you!? Go to opposite ends of the room and think about what you’ve done!” The ponies are released several feet away, and scowl at each other as they prowl to opposite corners of the party. The battle having ended, the partygoers slowly return their attention to their drinks and friends. “I’m sorry about that,” Twilight sing-songs, brushing you off with a hoof. “Oooh, my, is that silk you’re wearing?” “Uhh, no. Linen, I think.” “Well, it suits you!” she gushes. “Is that a bruise on your cheek? You poor little human!” “Huh?” you ask, brushing a hand across your cheek. You wince. “Oh, yeah, I guess it is. I must have been caught with a hoof during all the commotion.” “Aww...Well, would a kiss make it feel better?” You smile bashfully at the adorable little pony princess. “Well, I dunno, maybe…” Before anything else can be said, Fluttershy stumbles over toward you, knocking over a table. “Oooooh, noooo,” she moans strangely. “I am experiencing unexpected, crushing substernal chest pain that radiates to my jaw and left foreleg, accompanied by shortness of breath and unexplained sweating!” Letting out a few weak coughs, she gently falls to the ground and rolls onto her back. “I really hope that somepony is able to provide me with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, preferably under the mistletoe,” she adds quietly, before shutting her eyes and allowing herself to fall limp. Immediately, you push your way past Twilight and the crowd of onlookers that had come to surround Fluttershy. “Everypony, stand back!” you order. “I know CPR!” Falling to your knees, you quickly pull Fluttershy’s cute striped scarf off and place your palms on the center of her barrel. Immediately, you press down hard and fast several times. Several deep cracks are heard, followed by Fluttershy gasping for air. “Fluttershy, you made it!” you celebrate. “Stay with me, alright? The paramedic ponies will be here soon!” Fluttershy coughs some more. “I...umm…” she mumbles, tears in her eyes. “I still need some help breathing.” You chuckle. “There’s the Fluttershy I know and love. I’m glad you’re alright!” The paramedics haul Fluttershy onto a stretcher and carry her out into the snowy night not long after. She reaches a hoof out to you as she disappears from view. “I hope she’s okay,” you whisper to yourself. “Pretty sure I broke a few ribs.” Immediately, you are compressed by two fuzzy fields of indigo and white. “Our human visitor is the newest hero of Equestria!” Princess Celestia declares as she shoves your face into her chest floof. “Yes!” Princess Luna agrees, pulling you back toward her and wrapping her wings around you. “In fact, he is my personal hero!” The ponies in the room cheer for you, the lifesaver. “Aww, shucks, guys,” you say, bashfully waving a hand to dismiss them. “You deserve a kiss from me as a reward,” Princess Celestia declares sweetly. “No, he shall receive a kiss from me! It is nighttime, after all.” The two princesses pucker up and lean in toward you, one aiming for each cheek, when you stop them by placing a hoof over the front of each of their muzzles. “Thank you for the offer, Your Highnesses,” you begin. “But there’s no need for that. I was just doing what any Good Samaritan would have done.” Carefully, you wriggle out of the Princess’ grasp, leaving them looking longingly in your direction. “Hey!” Starlight Glimmer calls to you. Your eyes widen. “Why, hello, Starlight! Enjoying the party?” “I am,” she nods, an artificially wide grin plastered across her muzzle. “Pinkie really outdid herself! So, I was super impressed at how you just saved Fluttershy’s life, and figured that now was the perfect time to declare my undying love for you and invite you to kiss me passionately under the mistletoe!” “Begone, violet wench!” Princess Luna calls from nearby, dodging her sisters’ attempts to shush her. “He is ours to kiss!” You frown as you look back and forth between your two unexpected suitors. “Something doesn’t seem right about tonight. Everypony is trying to kiss me for some reason!” “Whaaaaaaaaat?” Starlight asks, trying her best to appear shocked. “That’s crazy talk! I’ve, like, been in love with you since you showed up in Equestria!” You look back at her with a thoroughly skeptical droop to your eyelids. “What’s my name?” Starlight’s pupils immediately contract. “Your name? It’s, uh...I mean, come on, we’re way past regular names, aren’t we...honeybuns?” “Something fishy is going on here!” you declare rather loudly, attracting the attention of nearby party attendees. You narrow your eyes and make eye contact with some of Twilight’s friends around the room that were still carefully observing you. Twilight skids up to you. “N-nothing weird is going on! Ponies just get a little affectionate when we’ve had too many candy canes, that’s all! Let me walk you home,” she suggests, taking one of your hands with her hoof and leading you to the door. Before you reach it, however, a blue Unicorn kicks it open, sending blizzard-force winds and a smattering of snowflakes into Sugarcube Corner. The slightly frazzled unicorn looks around frantically before her eyes settle on you. “You, there, next to Twilight! Are you the alien that the Great and Powerful Trixie is supposed to kiss in exchange for wealth beyond measure!?” Immediately, you rip your hand away from Twilight and cross your arms. “That’s IT! Everypony that’s been trying to kiss me, go over to that side of the room, NOW!” Everyone freezes at first, before three-quarters of the party’s attendees slowly begin shuffling in compliance with your command, leaving a few very confused and now dateless stallions looking around aimlessly, with only Pinkie Pie to tend to their needs. You walk purposefully toward the guilty group of several dozen mares, herding them into one of the bakery’s seating areas. “Now,” you begin, scowling. “Who here wants to tell me exactly what is going on?” There is only silence for the next half a minute, punctuated only by the occasional cough. “It’s all Twilight’s fault!” Trixie accuses from the back row, pointing a condemning hoof at Ponyville’s resident Princess. Frowning, you glower down at Twilight. Paternal disappointment paints your features. “Twiggle-Spriggles? What’s been going on?” Twilight scrunches up her muzzle and scrapes the floor with a hoof. “We’ve all been trying to kiss you under the mistletoe,” she admits. You nod. “I thought as much.” “But we only did it for the money!” Rainbow Dash declares, tapping a hoof on a candy-cane shaped wooden pillar. “Kissing is disgusting, anyway!” “The money?” you ask, your brow furrowing. “What are you talking about?” “The treasure, dear,” Rarity scoffs. “What, did you think we were actually interested in you?” “Treasure!? What is...Who...Is this even real life?” you ask to nopony in particular. “What is going on?” “Don’t play dumb!” Twilight accuses sharply. “It may have been bad for us to manipulate you like that, but I found all the information about the human Christmas treasure in the holiday books you gave to me!” “Christmas treasure?” The cogs in your head turn furiously as you try to think up something, anything, that Twilight might be trying to communicate to you. “You mean like...Gold, frankincense, and myrrh?” “I believe my former student is referencing the uh, box of platinum?” Princess Celestia offers politely. Your eyes squint so far that you can barely see out of them, and you gesticulate wildly in confusion. “You were trying to kiss me so you could get...a box of platinum?” “I read it in your books!” Twilight’s horn lights up, and with a flash of light, her notes appear in front of her. She taps them furiously with a hoof. “I wrote it all down here! If we capture a human and are the first ones to kiss him under the mistletoe, we get his box of platinum!” You stand with your mouth open in silence for several moments, hoping that your mind will come up with something different than the theory that had just popped into your head. Nothing comes. “...Are you possibly confusing Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day?” Twilight snorts at you derisively. “Absolutely not. I don’t make such crude mistakes.” You cock an eyebrow at her. “Fine, I’ll prove it to you.” Twilight scans her notes. “On St. Patrick’s Day, humans celebrate by consuming copious amounts of alcohol.” You nod. “Correct so far.” Twilight clears her throat before continuing. “The holiday celebrates the birth of legendary figure Patrick Henry, who drove the red-coated snake out of the continent of North America through the use of pyrotechnic displays and the introduction of the invasive stuffed turkey.” Placing both hands on your face, you rub them up and down furiously for several seconds. “That is extremely wrong,” you inform her. Twilight scoffs again. “Doubt it.” Taking your hands off of your face, you hold them out palms-first to the crowd, as if framing your statement. “Okay, I’m going to tell you exactly what happened, Twilight. You conflated St. Patrick’s Day with Christmas. You confused a box of platinum with a pot of gold, humans with leprechauns, and the end of a rainbow with mistletoe. Even worse than all that, however, is that you likely also mixed in the phrase ‘kiss me, I’m Irish’, which is insulting given that I’m not even Irish.” The crowd is silent. The only sound that can be heard, save for the quiet muttering of the party guests that were not subjects of your ire, was the frantic paper-ruffling of Twilight’s notes as she rechecked them, appearing less and less sure of herself with each passing second. “So...I’m not going to be able to buy a diamond toilet, then?” Princess Luna asks you, seemingly unsure of your response. Your angry lecture put a bit of a damper on the tail end of Pinkie Pie’s Hearth’s Warming Party, and only a half an hour later most of the ponies have cleared out. You watch the remaining few eerily as they quietly chat in the corners. Pinkie Pie dumps some dirty mugs behind the counter and sits on a barstool next to you. “Hey, friend! I brought you the last hot chocolate!” “Thanks, Pinkie,” you groan, taking the cup from her and sipping on it. “Your hot chocolate was the only good thing about this evening.” “Aww, I’m sorry that all my friends tried to kiss you out of greed,” Pinkie apologizes for her friends. “Ahh, it’s alright,” you say. “And I’m sorry that none of them liked you even a little bit and have so little respect for you that they were willing to manipulate you for their own personal gain!” “Uhh...yeah,” you reply, slouching a little more on the stool. “And I’m sorry that you’re trapped on an alien world far away from your family, friends and everypony that you’ve ever loved on the most important holiday of the year!” Sighing in pain, you slide back and lean on the wooden counter. Suddenly, Pinkie Pie springs onto you, sitting on your lap and giving you a warm kiss on the cheek. “But the good news is that I still love you, because I love all my friends! And look, we’re under the mistletoe!” You look up, and indeed, you are sitting directly beneath one of the many sprigs Pinkie had hung earlier. Wrapping your arms around her, you sit up and give her a peck on the top of her muzzle, causing her to giggle. She snakes her forehooves around your neck and pulls you into a soft, happy hug. You can smell the scent of peppermint coming off of her mane as she fiercely nuzzles your cheek and gives it another kiss. Pinkie Pie pulls away, and you look into her eyes. “Thanks, Pinkie Pie! You always know how to make me feel better!” “Nothing makes me happier than when my friends smile!” she cheers, hopping back to her own barstool and beaming at you. You quickly finish your hot chocolate. “Well,” you groan, standing up. “I best be getting home. It’s late.” Picking your coat off of a rack by the door, you prepare for your trek out into the cold. “Goodbye!” Pinkie Pie waves furiously. “Happy Hearth’s Warming!” “Happy Hearth’s Warming!” you call back, before disappearing into the cold. Still smiling, Pinkie Pie looks down at the seat you had just left and notices the magical pot of gold you had left for her. “OOOOooooohhh,” she sings. “Shiny!”