Chapter 1
Harem Scare'em
I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!
...III...
The whole thing started on fairly typical day. Twilight and her friends were tired from the whole 'Cozy Glow' fiasco and had let their students have the day off so they could have some much needed R & R.
They were just chilaxing in Twilight's castle, when out of nowhere Pinkie asked-
"Guy's have we peaked?"
Her friends looked at her confused, "wha- What do you mean?" Asked Twilight confused.
Pinkie frowned... "I don't know...it's just...the last season was great and all-
"Season?" Thinks her friends confused.
-but ...well, Twilight got her wings, her castle, and apprentice...Dashie got on the Wonderbolts...Rarity has... What? THREE Boutiques now?"
"I'm trying to figure out where to put my FOURTH...what do you girls think? Las Pegasus or Trotingham?" Asked Rarity suddenly.
Talking over her, Pinkie continued, "The cutie Mark crusaders got their cutie marks long ago, I can't even remember the last time anypony mentioned Diamond Tiara-
"Who?" Asked Applejack confused.
- Discords reformed, the changelings are reformed, we got the blockbuster involving Fizzlepop Berrytwist as the very memorable and amazing former main villain Tempest!"
"Wait, I thought the 'main' villain of that whole debacle was the Storm king?" Asked Applejack uncertain.
"Who?" Asked Rainbow Dash baffled.
Again, Pinkie simply continued, "And now Twilight has started a school of friendship- Which don't get me wrong has been VERY enjoyable, the Young 6 have been a joy, and Cozy Glow was probably our best villain yet! ...but still...a SCHOOL of friendship? I hate to say it girls...but were getting dangerous close to 'sequelitus' territory..."
"Uh, Pinkie? If we could get back to your original question?" Asked Twilight, wanting to get things back on track.
"Wha- Oh, right. Basically...where do we go from here? I feel like we've already done everything we wanted and more...so what's next for us?"
Twilight opened her mouth to happily answer her friends query...then went pale as she realized...she had no answer! The chilaxing forgotten, she called an emergency meeting...
...
"Why don't we go find Crysalis? Reform her?"
"No one's seen her since her last defeat! Where would we look? Besides, even if we DID reform her...then go on to reform what few parts of our 'rouge' gallery that are left...we'd be right back to where we started! No, we need to think of something more Long-term..." Pondered Twilight out loud.
"Not to mention the whole 'reform villain' thing has been REALLY played out at this point..."
"Pinkie! Focus!"
"Oh! How about instead of just waiting for the Cutie mark map to send us somewhere, we just proactively wander Equestria going on adventures! And solve friendship problems!"
"YAY!" Exclaimed Pinkie Pie. "Now THAT could give the series the shot in the arm that we-
"Now hold on just a cotton picking minute! Apple bucking season is coming up! I barely have any time to myself nowadays between the school, the farm, and the OCCASIONAL adventure as it is!"
"Yeah, and I got the Wonderbolts to think about!"
"Let's not forget about me and my businesses!"
"Um...I actually need to stay by my animal shelter in case of emergencies...if that's okay with everyone."
"Oh, yeah...good points...and we do STILL have the school to think about now as well..."
Pinkie sighed, "Well...so much for that...stupid 'Reality Ensues'." Then her eyes light up. "Wait, why don't we all try to be alicorn princesses! We-
"No, pinkie! Princess Celestia made it very clear that the current political climate is too unstable for ANYMORE princesses, Flurry Heart ALONE lead to a hundred new decrees and statures!"
"Oh, really? But...wait, okay...how about we just focus on overcoming the emotional angst caused by you being immortal and outliving your friends?"
"Meh."
"We all gotta go sometimes."
"Death is a natural part of life."
"Things happen. That's life."
"Princess Celestia has already made preparations and set contingency plans in place to help me when that happens!"
"Oh, come on girls! Work with me here!" Groaned Pinkie.
"Oh! I got an idea! How about in addition to the school... we start a Friendship COLLEGE? Eh? Eh?" Asked Dash excited.
Twilight became thoughtful, "Well...maybe a good idea for the future...but that sorta seems more of the same, really...OH! maybe we could do scholarships!"
Pinkie Pie slams her head on the table, "GAH! This is reading more and more like a bad sequel no one asked for! The only thing that could make this worse is if we go with the old 'form a herd, find a stallion, and pop out foals' cliche!" She snapped angrily.
...there was a long pause...
"Hey...that's not a bad idea!"
"Why didn't we think of that before?...I LOVE FOALS!"
"Let's be honest, were not getting any younger..."
"A successful mare of my stature should consider such things after all...
"...me? A mommy? (giggle, blush)...Okay...yay..."
Pinkie Pie was aghast! "What? No! Wait! Girls! I didn't- But they'd already left the room to make preparations...
Pinkie Pie deflated in resignation, "Well...writing's on the wall...this will be our last season..." She suddenly looked thoughtful, "Well, I guess there are worse ways to end things then with a bundle of mini-me in my arms!"
With a spring back in her step, she hops happily out after them...
...
And so the girls set out to find themselves a stallion!...only to sheepishly realize...they had no idea how to do that. Indeed, none of them(except possibly Rarity, but even she'd apparently forgotten of romance a while ago) could remember the lat time they even MENTIONED a non-friendship/romantical relationship, never mind trying to get one for themselves!
Twilight quickly calculated and decided To simplify things, she convinced the others to simply form a herd(over Pinkie's objection's and moans of 'that old cliche.'). That way they would only need to worry about was finding ONE stallion!
"Simple and practical! After all, we only need one Stalion to impregnate us!" Exclaimed Twilight, proud of her own cleverness
...
The three other princesses, who were secretly watching all this...face-hooved themselves.
"Did she seriously just say that?" Said Candace in disbelief.
"Sister, no offense...but I feel you neglected some rather important parts of Twilight's education...and whoever taught her friends seem to have done so as well..." Pointed out Luna.
Celestia groaned, focusing all her students time and attention on learning magic and friendship at the exclusion of all else had seemed so practical at the time...but now...
"Yes...I can see that...but what should we do then?"
Candance sighed, "Look...people make lousy decisions when they first get involved in love- true I was MOSTLY able to sidestep most of the usual pitfalls, but only because of my unique alicorn magic regarding love. In any case, it's practically a rite of passage. Sometimes you need to learn things the hard way to make better decisions in the future. It's sad, but sometimes you just gotta let these things happen. Even if you know better, it's best to just let them make their own mistakes..."
Celestia frowned...but nodded, "Very well then Candace, since this is your area of expertise I'll differ to your judgement..."
There was a long, solemn pause...
..."So, do you think now would be a good time to finally reveal to Twilight that we've formed a herd with her brother?" Asked Luna suddenly.
The other two princesses groan, "Dang it Luna! We were trying to have a serious moment here!"
"Okay, okay, okay. Gloom and respectability, got it...sheesh..."
...
Another one of Twilight's 'brilliant' ideas was to publicly declare their intent to find an 'alpha' stallion and set up tryouts that any male could enter...
To this day it is said that during this declaration, the unmistakable sound of Celestia having an aneryism could also be heard throughout the entire empire...
In any case, onto the massacr- I mean matchmaking!
...
Twilight smiled warmly at the stallion sitting in front of them, "Well your resume seems solid, so let's move on to the questionnaire." She lifted her painstakingly crafted personality compatibility quiz and began.
"Question 1: if you could apples with anyone would you choose: A: Celestia. B: Starswirl the bearded. C: Muhammad. Or D: Cthulhu?"
"Uh, I don't like Apples the lady in the pamphlet said they contained lard." Explained the guy.
"Oh, I see..." Said Twilight, as Applejack contained her fury and silently threw away the mans resume...
...
"Uh...Mr. Geriatric?" I couldn't help but notice a few gaps in your resume. Would you mind explaining?" Asked Twilight confused.
"Oh, well! Back in 69, 'Ef D. Ar' was in the mayor's house, so I was on the welfare. And in 89, you had Jimmy wimmy. So I was on the welfare. And in 97-
Twilight sighed as the elderly pony blathered on... "In hindsight...I probably should have put an age limit on this." She whispered.
"Yah, think!?" Whispered Dash harshly back.
...
Dash Sentry waited patiently as the girls whispered quietly among themselves.
"Don't get me wrong, that was a nice thing he did to Twilight and everything. But he hasn't really done ...well, ANYTHING since then, has he...?"
"Maybe, but still. It was sweet of him to do..."
"Actually, dose it really count as the 'pony' him doing it, if technically the 'human' him did it...?"
"Their the same person...sorta..."
"But he still didn't really do anything..."
Finally they break up and turn back to the stallion, "Okay, were deadlocked on how to feel about you. So we'll put you on the 'maybe' pile. Don't call us, we'll call you..." Said Twilight neutrally.
...
"Well, hello ladies! I very much doubt I need any intro-GAH!" Screamed Blueblood as he feel through the suddenly opened trapdoor.
Rarity smirked as she flips the switch back to close the door again, "Well, that was cathartic...
...
"Oh, my!" Exclaimed a very flustered Twilight.
"Whoa yeah ladies! What you see is literally what you get! Nude dude for life!" Shouts the hairless Stallion excited.
"For the love of Celestia, COVER YOURSELF! Their are ladies present!" Shouted a flustered Rarity.
"I don't know girls, I kinda like this guys attitude...and a whole bunch of other things." Smirked Dash as her lustful eyes wandered over the stallions 'naked' form...
"It's inappropriate, is what it is!" Shouts a flustered and mortified Applejack.
"Oh, this is classic Applejack! You were always so uptight!" Exclaimed Nude Dude. "Hey, remember when we were foals and we went skinny dip-
"NEXT!" Shouted an embarrassed Applejack as she quickly bucked him out of the room...
...
"YES!" Exclaimed 5 of the Mane six as Big Mac entered the room.
"BUCK, NO!" Shouts an irritated Applejack.
"Oh, right...I guess it wouldn't be fair to bring your brother in since you wouldn't be able to join in, would it?" Said Twilight with a resigned sigh.
"Darn tootin it wouldn't be! I any case, I thought you were dating Sugar Belle!" Pointed out Applejack.
Big Mac blushed, "Uh...we got an understand-
"Never mind! Forget I asked!" Exclaimed Applejack, desperate to not hear anything about her brothers sex life...
Suddenly cousin Braeburn stuck his head into the room. "Uh, that doesn't disqualify me too, dose it? I mean after all were FIFTH cousins, so if you think about it-
"BOTH OF YOU GO HOME, NOW!" Shouted an irate Applejack over her friends resigned groans of disappointment...
...
"It is a writhing cesspit of scum and villainy out there, and the only way to survive it is to prove were the biggest shark in the jungle!" Shouts a unicorn known simply as 'angry pony'.
Twilight looks at him confused as Fluttershy hides behind her in fright. "Uh...okay...but what dose that have to do with your favorite color?"
Suddenly the Young Six came into the room. "Hey, Mrs. Twilight! We thought you could use a break! We brought doughnuts."
Before a relieved Twilight could say thanks-
"DOUGHNUTS!?" Snapped Angry pony, "Who has time to sit on their fanny and stuff their faces with- Oh, is that a bearclaw?" He asked in a suddenly nicer voice.
"Uh...yes?" Said Ocellus as she handed up said pastry helpfully.
"Oh, that's good because I FREAKING HATE BEARCLAWS!" He screamed as he started firing magical bolts at the now screaming students.
"NEXT!" Screamed Twilight as she quickly blasted Angry Pony out the window.
...
Applejack blushed, "I...Rockhoof?"
Rockhoof blushed, "Uh, well...if your okay with it..."
"YES!" Exclaimed Applejack happily.
"NO!" Shouted the rest, he was old enough to there great-great-great-great-great-grandpa for crying out loud!
Applejack gave a resigned groan of disappointment...but nodded...
...
"But he-
"NO! Fluttershy we are NOT including Discord into this!"
"Awwwwww." She groaned in disappointment.
...
Twilight sighed, "Spike what are you doing here?" She asked pointedly.
Spike blushed and tired very hard not to make eye contact with Rarity, "Uh...well...I just thought..."
"Spike, first of all. We want FOALS, which requires a male PONY. Secondly, you do realize you'd be essentially marrying ME as well, right?"
Spike turns very green after that last one, "I'll...I'll just see myself out." He said awkwardly..."
...
Rainbow Dash sighed, "Over hundred applicants...and over a hundred losers."
"Now come on dear, that's not...COMPLETELY true." Said Rarity delicately.
Twilight sighed, "Okay, girls...I'm starting to think this wasn't the most optimal way to find a mate..."
"Yah don't say?" Snarked Applejack sarcastically.
Twilight piled up all her paperwork, "I suppose it was too much to hope for that it would be so easy...in hindsight I don't really know what I was expecting...a long, tall handsome Stallion would just come in here and sweep us off our feet? I mean, come on! How unlikely is-"
Suddenly Tempest(AKA Fizzlepop Berrytwist) burst into the room. "The statue of the Storm King! It's been stolen!" She immediately had the mane Six's attention. If the storm King got free of his curse...
"Wait, refresh my memory...who was the Storm King again?"
"He was the one who conquered your home!" Stated Tempest flatly.
"I thought that was you..."
"No, I was his second in command..."
"Really? You seemed to REALLY know what you were doing, great leadership skills and everything-
"Well...he was kinda lazy, he more or less had me do the 'heavy lifting of the invas- Look, that's not important! What is important is this!" She shows them the note that was found where the statue used to be.
Hey ladies!
Sorry I forgot my Resume!
I hope you'll accept the defeat a tyrant instead?
Meet me at the address written on the back!
Sincerely, Dipper Pines...
"DUM! DUM! DUM!" Shouted Pinkie dramatically, while everyone looked at her weird...
...III…...
TO BE CONTINUED?