Wait. So Capes Are Sexy Now?
“Maybe,” Princess Cadence mused aloud, wondering if she could move a few meetings around after lunch. With a yawn, she looked over the many papers on her desk before someone knocked on her door.
“Ye—”
Then they knocked again before she could even finish a word.
“It’s op—”
After the third series of interrupting knocks, Cadence kept quiet and instead opened the door using her aura. Sunburst rushed inside, out of breath and somehow more disheveled than normal. Anxiously, he fiddled with his glasses while beads of sweat trickled down his face.
“Something’s… uhh… happened, Princess.”
Cadence raised a brow. “Something Flurry Heart related?”
“No.”
“Shining Armor related?”
“No.”
Cadence pondered. “Something apocalyptic in nature, perhaps?”
“It sure feels like that, but… well, maybe it would be better if I just showed you.”
Using his own horn, he pulled a rolled newspaper out from his saddlebag and loudly slapped in atop Cadence’s desk. He then flipped to a particular page with a very particular pony at the very center of it. In bright, beautiful color, too.
“That’s me!” Sunburst yelped.
Cadence nodded. “It sure is. So, what’s the problem exactly? I’m sure you’ve had articles written about you before. You are a rather well-known pony around these parts.”
Sunburst swallowed dryly. “B-but not articles like this! This article… it says I’m… I’m…”
Cadence finally glanced at the heading of the several page spread. “Sexy?”
Nodding spastically, Sunburst added, “Yeah! S-s-s… umm… that word! And it says a whole bunch of other things about me, too! Impossible things! Completely ridiculous things!”
“That you’re the top eligible bachelor in the entire Crystal Empire?” Cadence continued to read from the article. “And a rather sexy stallion to boot?”
“Must be a misprint,” Sunburst said, taking a deep breath and shaking his head from side to side. “Some sort of editing mistake. That’s all. We… uhh… should speak with the newspaper… get them to fix it or rewrite it or…”
“Or maybe it’s actually not a mistake?” Cadence ventured.
Sunburst snatched up the newspaper, staring at it with a mixture of anger and nervousness. “Then it must be some kind of elaborate joke. I mean… who even is this Mrs. Lonely Hooves? Usually all her articles talk about are romance and love and dating advice… so why did I suddenly need to be written about?”
Casually sliding a half-finished document loaded with heart symbols inside a desk drawer, Cadence replied, “The identity of Mrs. Lonely Hooves remains a mystery to us all. But what does not remain a mystery is the entire point of this piece.”
“To make me feel more embarrassed than I’ve ever been in my life?” Sunburst flipped to the next page and waved it around in the air. “There’s a picture of me exiting the royal pool! Without my waterproof cape! I’ve never felt so exposed before…”
Cadence blinked. “Wait. Waterproof cape?”
“Who would even take such a photo?”
Again, as casually as she could, Cadence slid her large black camera off her desk and out of sight. “Sadly, Mrs. Lonely Hooves’ personal photographer remains a mystery, as well. But can we get back to the point of all this?”
Sunburst lowered the newspaper to look at her. “Which is?”
“That maybe the article’s right? And that you are, indeed, a somewhat sexy stallion?”
Sunburst barked out a weak laugh while his face reddened. “Seriously?”
“How about we get a second opinion?” With that said, Cadence angled her head to look out the open doorway and into the hallway. “Rarity? Do you have a second, dear?”
And just like that, Rarity softly trotted inside the room, causing Sunburst to take a double and then triple take. “You shouted for me, Princess?” Rarity greeted sweetly.
“Y-y-you can summon ponies just by saying their name?” Sunburst yelped.
Rarity smiled. “Don’t be silly, Sunburst. I arrived here just this morning along with Twilight and the rest of the girls. The fact that I just so happened to be walking by Cadence’s study when she called is… what’s the correct term? Serendipitous?”
Rising from her desk chair, Cadence said bluntly, “I’ve got meetings coming up, so we need to settle this quickly. There was an article printed this morning stating that Sunburst is sexy. He disagrees. Thoughts?”
“Many,” Rarity said, grabbing the newspaper out of Sunburst’s aura to investigate. From one stallion to the other she read and studied, before seeming to make up her mind. With an assured nod, she held the article out to Sunburst. “Notice what separates you from most of the other candidates?”
Sunburst scratched at his chin, before looking down at his own chin. “Bigger chins? Wider shoulders? Unlimited confidence? They all have a ton of good things I don’t! Being compared to any of them is crazy!”
That thought alone made Sunburst shudder where he stood.
Until Rarity wrapped a gentle foreleg over his shoulders.
She told him softly, “Everypony thinks that all mares want are big, tough, macho stallions. Sadly, that hasn’t been the norm for quite some time now. What’s wrong with a more sensitive pony? One with real thoughts and feelings and emotions and troubles? And, say, one day that particular stallion is feeling more down than usual? What mare wouldn’t want to just wrap themselves around that particular pony and make all their troubles go away—just hold them and hold them until they melt like warm butter!”
During Rarity’s speech, Sunburst’s shakes had abated. Without realizing it, he’d closed his eyes and was softly nuzzling into Rarity’s neck.
Rarity patted his head. “All right, Sunburst. I think you’ve melted enough.”
Opening his eyes again, Sunburst took a step back, running a jittery hoof through his mane. “Okay. I’ll admit, I am a bit sensitive sometimes. And, perhaps, I overreact a tad. But how does that make me… s-s-sexy? Cute, sure. I’ve heard that before. Most ponies in Equestria are naturally cute. And, I mean, my mom used to call me cute. And adorable. And sometimes her little snuggly-muffins. But never… sexy.”
Cadence chuckled richly. “Take that as a good thing, Sunburst. If your mother actually called you sexy, then this conversation would be headed in a very different direction. One with several inkblot tests and an uncomfortable loveseat with your name all over it.”
Clearing her throat, Rarity gathered their attention again. “And let’s not forget that impeccable fashion sense of yours!”
“My what?” Sunburst blurted.
“Please, Sunburst. As if I haven’t been taking notes ever since we first met.” Rarity began circling around Sunburst, eyeing him from hoof to head. “The flashy cape. The glasses that continuously slide down your nose. The wild goatee. The forever messy mane.”
“You just used the terms ‘wild’ and ‘messy’. Are you saying I’m gross?”
“Not at all! I would’ve noticed the lack of soap when you nuzzled me,” Rarity chirped. “All I’m saying is that it’s so you! One hundred percent true Sunburst! What’s inside is also what’s outside. There isn’t a false face to be found on you. Some ponies dress or act a certain way depending on who they’re with, but not you! You are yourself, through and through. And I know a lot of ponies respect that; I imagine a lot of would-be pony partners respect that, too.”
Sunburst frowned. “I’m still not sure where the word ‘sexy’ fits into all this. Thus far all I’ve heard today is that I’m sensitive and somewhat of a snappy dresser… even if that never was my intention. I have bad eyesight; that’s why I wear glasses. I get cold easy; that’s why I wear the cape. I hate scissors; that’s why I rarely get my mane or goatee clipped.” Again, using his aura, he took the newspaper from Rarity and scowled at it. “Thankfully, this is nothing more than one pony’s bizarre opinion of what constitutes attractiveness and little else. I really can’t see many others thinking the same way they do.”
“Oh… sweetie…” Cadence glanced away with a blush. “Did you actually read the entire thing?”
“Umm.” Sunburst awkwardly chewed on his tongue. “I skimmed it. Most of it, I mean. I was mostly preoccupied by the words ‘Sexiest Eligible Bachelor’ and the fact that my face was right next to them. That’s why I ran here as fast as I could.”
Cadence’s eyes remained fixed on her hooves. “Yeah, the article wasn’t just one pony’s opinion. It was based on a readers’ poll. Thousands of ponies in the Crystal Empire voted.”
“T-thousands?” Sunburst squeaked. “Meaning… that more than one pony genuinely thinks I’m sexy? That’s… that’s a whole lot of mares! Too many mares! I’m feeling overwhelmed here! I don’t think I can handle this!”
Rarity lightly tapped him on the shoulder. “Don’t forget the stallions, Sunburst. Some of them took part in the poll, too.”
What Rarity said didn’t help matters much. Grabbing at his mane, Sunburst sank to the ground in a heap of vibrating nerves. “I didn’t even consider that! So… not only do I have to appear sexy for the opposite sex, but now the same sex, too? That’s just too much pressure. Far too much. I really need to… I need…”
Sunburst’s head shot up like a jack-in-the-box.
“I need to get to the gym! Right now! Which way is it? Does the Crystal Empire even have one? Oh, fine. Darn it all. I’ll have to make do right here.”
Then he fell to the floor to try a push up.
He managed one. Then another. Then struggled on the third. Winded, he collapsed to the ground and gulped in air.
“I’ll… I’ll have to work on that. For now… horn exercises!”
He used his aura to levitate one of Cadence’s books up and down several feet.
“Soft covers this week… hard covers next week…” Sunburst exhaled.
With a sigh, Cadence took the book from him. She told him earnestly, “I really think you’re looking at this the wrong way, Sunburst. These ponies didn’t vote for the Sunburst you think they want, they voted for the Sunburst that they know. The one they’ve been living with for years and genuinely like to be around. Do Rarity and I need to make a list of positives for you?”
Rarity started. “Smart.”
“Handsome,” Cadence continued.
“Polite.”
“Thoughtful and courteous.”
“Respected job title. Magical studies to the max.”
“Obviously good with children given your relationship with Flurry Heart.”
Rarity thought for a moment. “I’m sure if Twilight were here, she’d mention something about how many books you have… so, books?”
“I do have a lot of books,” Sunburst admitted.
“Well educated and driven,” Cadence added. “No topic is out of reach for a pony that reads a lot.”
“Now I’m not sure if that’s entirely true,” Sunburst said.
“What can you tell me about hoofball?”
Sunburst brightened. “Did you know in Saddle Arabia it’s not called hoofball at all? Rather, it’s called ‘Ball in Shape of Egg that is Kicked by Hoof’ all because one hundred years ago a powerful sorcerer—”
“See?” Rarity said. “Big brains are all the rage these days. Just ask a zombie pony how much they love brains.”
Rising back to his hooves, Sunburst said, “Zombie ponies don’t exist, Rarity. And I don’t need a library full of books to tell me that.”
Rarity playfully rubbed at his head. “Aww! Look at the smart pony with the big, juicy brain.”
Ignoring her, Sunburst looked at the article once more—this time actually reading it instead of glancing at it. “Still seems hard to believe, though. Come on. Look! Look right here! Numbers fourteen and fifteen! You’re telling me I’m honestly more attractive than these two stallions?”
Cadence and Rarity narrowed their eyes to read off the page. Cadence snorted.
“I’ve heard of those two,” she admitted.
“So have I,” Rarity added. “McSteamy and McDreamy.”
Sunburst deadpanned. “Those aren’t their real names and you know it.”
Rarity shrugged. “Regardless, it still sums them up rather well. One that’s constantly falling asleep and another that sweats profusely? Sure, they might both be ridiculously good looking… but that doesn’t mean I’d actually want to spend an entire evening with them. What in Equestria would we talk about? The best position to nap? The cheapest deodorant brands?”
Rarity furrowed her brows as she read another list entry.
“Why in Equestria is Thorax on here? Twice?”
Cadence explained casually, “One’s from his original black version and the other’s from his newer version.”
“But he doesn’t even live in the Crystal Empire.”
Cadence groaned. “We may or may not have a secret changeling problem right now.”
Sunburst avoided the possible changeling invasion discussion. Instead, he leveled a hoof at the list’s number two entry—a stallion so big and muscular, he barely fit inside his own photograph. “I’m ahead of Dreamboat Jr.? Of the Dreamboat family? Every single pony in that family is beautiful! That has to be a mistake. It just has to be.”
Rarity wrinkled her nose at the picture. “A gorgeous stallion to be sure… if one truly enjoys having their spines broken during each and every embrace. Clearly, a lot of voters like the muscular type. As for myself, usually when I’m kissing someone, I tend to focus my attention on the kiss and not being swallowed whole.”
“This…” Sunburst exhaled shakily. “Is still a lot to process. I guess, I sort of get where you two are coming from—beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that. I’ve read more than a few books with that message in it, but still… me out of every eligible stallion in the Empire? Sexiest? I don’t think I could even walk outside today—or this entire week! I’d just feel so self conscious right now. What do you two think I should do? Stay inside? Wait for this all to blow over?”
Cadence tilted her head back and forth in thought. “You could. That’s always an option. But what about option B?”
“Which is?”
“A playdate. Not a real date, mind you. Just someone to tag along with you while you go around town. Ponies see you with someone, maybe they think you’re already taken. Perhaps… a playdate with the next pony that passes by my door?”
Sunburst frowned. “That’s oddly specific, Cadence.”
Just then, someone knocked on the door.
“Hope I’m not interrupting anything,” Starlight Glimmer asked, sticking her head inside the doorway. “Heard ponies talking in here.”
Sunburst smiled brightly. “Hey, Starlight! No, you’re not interrupting anything. We were just waiting for the next pony to pass Cadence’s—”
A sharp kick from Cadence to Sunburst’s ankle shut him up quick.
“What I meant to say was,” Sunburst said through gritted teeth. “Any chance you could help me get some shopping done today? I know of at least five new magic books available at the bookstore.”
Starlight Glimmer pondered the proposal. For all of three seconds.
“Sure. I don’t see why not. Although, it is a bit chilly out. You might want to—”
“Grab my double-layered cape?” Sunburst finished for her. “I was thinking just that. Meet you downstairs in five?”
“Sounds like a plan.”
With Sunburst out of the room, the three remaining mares stood together in awkward silence. Eventually, Cadence said, “You owe me for that, Starlight. That magazine poll might’ve been real, but you suddenly strolling by my door definitely wasn’t.”
Starlight rolled her eyes. “I know, Cadence. And if all goes well, Flurry Heart will be the official flower girl.”
Cadence roughly cleared her throat.
“And you can be my wedding planner,” Starlight added. “There. Happy now? So, since we’re on the topic, do I owe you anything, Rarity? Role of dress designer, perhaps?”
Rarity waved a hoof. “Don’t be silly, darling. Honestly, I feel I owe Sunburst somewhat.”
“Why’s that?”
“You know how many capes I’m going to sell once he makes them sexy again?”