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Wait... Did You Fuck a Dragon?
B_25
DEDICATED TO THE BOYS: AID, FLARE, IORRI, SKIRTS, JACKRIPPER, BLITZ, CURFIY, COMET and COFFEE.
Before you give me shit:
I have to explain a few things. Don't worry—I'm not going to give a rant about my shitty life, because really, who gives a fuck about that? There's not much you need to know about me other than I hooked up with a dragon.
Okay, okay, stop that. I can feel the dirty looks from all here. If it helps, it wasn't my fault; I was just trying to help out... and the dragon was female, okay? She was actually a cute chick and—alright, alright! I'll give you some details. Just... don't think I'm totally crazy, alright?
Her name is Barb. She was the first to find me in the forest. Dunno how I got there, or why I was here, and even now, I still don't know that answer to that. If I couldn't find the meaning of my life back on Earth, then I highly doubted that I'd find it in Equestria.
But I did find friendship with some of the girls here.
And I did find something more than friendship with Barb.
Let me tell you a little story.
It wasn't before long that Twilight had me set up at her place.
And by place, I mean fuckin' palace. It was a castle made out of crystal. It had everything you could ever dream of—a room with a fireplace, a room with tons a bookshelves, a room with nothing but mirrors. Basically, you fucking name it, and there's a room dedicated to it down the fuckin hell.
To your left. Second on the right.
I did have to share the place with a couple of roommates, but they were bad, to say the least. They were kinda like me, except they had fur instead of skin. Okay, back the fuck up a second—they had skin too, but it was underneath the fur. So technically, they were like me, but they had fur over fuckin skin.
...man, I suck at describing shit.
Anyway. Those two were nice enough: Starlight and Twilight I mean. You know, this may sound strange, but thinking back on all this now, both of their names end in 'light'. Was everyone aware of this? Am I just slow in—
Fuck. Distracted again. My bad.
Those two weren't the issue. They treated me well, but really, they were kind of fucking weird at the same time.
“Man these two are kinda weird,” I murmured to myself.
“No kidding.”
“Oh shit.”
The voice came from the left of me, and I spun, afraid to see one of the girls glaring at me. I sighed with relief when it wasn't one of the girls. I mean, it was a girl, but like, a dragon girl instead of the other kind of girls.
“Don't sweat the small stuff.” Dragon girl was holding up a palm, her expression gentle, her voice gentle. “Knowing those two, they'll want to lock you up in the basement. Don't hold it against them, they... just really like knowing stuff.” She huffed, kicking a foot. “They make it their business to know everything.”
I looked at the dragon girl, feeling bad I'd forgotten her name, but very much glad to have someone 'normal' to speak to. “You mean they're always like this?”
“Not always,” dragon girl said, “but most of the time. Don't take it personally: they don't mean any harm about it.”
“They locked me in a cylinder of glass for an hour,” I went on. “They slowly started filling that shit with water. Think they were trying to test how'd I react.”
Dragon girl snapped her hand... claw... talons? “Stress test! How'd you react?”
“Told them both to fuck off and let me out.”
“What did they do?”
“Let me out, took some blood out of my arm, then fucked off.” I shook my head, feeling the world sway more than I would have liked. “Not of a fan of that second part, but from what they said, that'll be enough to have them fucked off for a few days.”
“And how's your arm doing?”
“I can't feel it.” I looked down at my right arm, seeing it limp at my side, and no amount of force or willpower could get it to move. “Watch this shit.” Using my other arm, I grabbed it, lifting my limp hand into the air.
A second later, I dropped it, watching sway back and forth, each swing pricking at my cold skin. After a few seconds, it came still into place, and I stared back at the dragon girl. “I think they may have killed my right arm!”
“That's a bummer,” Dragon girl said. “Did you use that hand for anything useful? Like... I don't know, writing and stuff?”
“Nah, I write with my right hand.” I glanced down at my limp arm. “I jerk off with my left. So I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that tonight.”
“Hey, dude?”
“Yeah?”
“I don't know how stuff is where you're from,” she began, “but around here, it's best not to talk about your dick around most chicks.”
“Oh shit.” I scratched the back of my head. “My bad. I didn't mean to make things awkward.”
“Nah, don't worry about it.” Dragon girl smiled at me; I felt slightly better about myself. “I'm pretty cool with stuff like that. But most of the girls here? They're pretty girly, so like, watch your mouth if you can.”
I nodded.
“And lock your door during your night sessions.”
“Oh?”
“They like to barge in randomly.” Dragon girl shook her head. “Caught me with my fingers between my legs one time. Never heard the end of it for a week.” She then whistled, leaning back on the heels of her feet. “Not sure they'd do with a guy like you wanking your stuff.” She blinked. “They may actually try some experiments on it.”
I offered her my hand. “My name is Anon.”
Dragon girl blinked, looked confused, but ultimately smiled. “Name's Barb.”
We shook hands on claws.
That was my first mistake.
“Wanna get the fuck out of here, Barb?”
She nodded. “Sure!”
So we got the fuck out of there real quick.
The first few weeks of being in Crazyfuckville was being surrounded by crazy fucking fucks. The was I couldn't even be mad at them, or a the very least, call them truly crazy. In fact, I understood them. Who wouldn't be curious about some furless dude with green skin?
So I didn't give them shit. It'd take everyone a few weeks, or months, or, for fuck's sake, a year to get over the novelty of me being around. The only problem with that was I was lonely as fuck. Being taken away from home and placed in a strange land... it made me want to be with someone at least slightly normal.
And dragon girl—or Barb—was the most normal of them all. Ironic, because was also a fucking dragon, but you shouldn't judge a book by its cover. So we chilled for most of the day. Barb was pretty cool. She showed me the sights and protected me from a few crazy chicks.
“Is that some kind of fucking farm?” I said, pointing at the far-off fucking farm.
“It's... a farm, for sure.” Barb stopped next to me, scratching the side of her head. “I'm not sure how much fucking goes on in there.” She then blinked. “The Apples have always been kinda close.” Her eyes began to narrow. “Maybe a little too close.”
“Oh shit,” I said. “Let get the fuck out of there.”
So we got the fuck out of there. Barb the Dragon was pretty chill with my bullshit. To be honest, I was pretty sure she was as bored as I was. As it seemed, being a dragon among... whatever the fuck the rest of these girls were, she felt kinda lonely.
Who the fuck was to blame her though? She seemed weird out about everything like I did. We talked a lot about shit that didn't matter, ended up auguring even more about shit that really didn't matter, until finally, we decided that fighting each other was stupid and decided to get milkshakes.
So we decided to get some milkshakes.
“Has anyone ever called you hot before?”
Barb pulled off from the straw. “What now?”
“Like, you're hot.” I lifted my glass of chocolate milkshake, feeling it half-full instead of half-empty. “Total banger if you ask me. Don't think I'd ever say I was attracted to a dragon before.”
“That's because I'm not a proper dragon,” Barb said as she looked back at her milkshake. “Not even a proper girl here either. To both sides, I'm kinda a freak.” Barb took the straw in-between her firm and supple lips. “Reason why I don't leave the castle so much. You took all the strange looks and glare for me today.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Fuck 'em. You're a banger.”
“Is that a good thing?”
“It means you're a fucking banger.”
“I'm going to take that to mean something positive.”
“It means you're a fucking banger.”
It turns out that saying “You're a fucking banger” was a decent recipe to get laid around here.
And I wasn't fuckin' lying when I said that shit too. Barb really was good looking for a dragon—slender body with perfect curves. She knew what to work what she had. The lumps on her chest were covered by tamed green scales—each breath neither too big or too small, just slightly more than a handful.
Her biggest asset was either her face or her ass. She had a cute face with green eyes that almost glowed. Her spines were thick but bunch together, sometimes twitching up whenever she was excited.
It made her even more adorable in that way.
But the thing about asset: it begins with an ass. I've never heard of a faceman before, but I have heard of the assmen. The thing about assmen was that they only become facemen when an ass came down on their faces.
And Barb had an ass worthing singing about... or to. I would sing to Barb's ass if she let me.
“You have a nice ass.”
“What now?”
“Your ass,” I continued, “it's perfect.”
The problem with purple scales was that I could never tell whenever the fuck she was blushing or not. There went my indicator to know when I was being suave, or really, just fucking up and making things awkward. I think it was mostly the latter, but for whatever reason, Barbed seemed to dig the awkward shit.
It was the only time, in all my life, where being myself could get myself laid.
“Like, you don't understand how hard it is to find an ass like you.” I shook my head, leaning against the wall. We were both in my room. It'd had been a few days after our walk around town. Barb and I became pretty close. “It's supple, but it's not too big. You get what I mean?”
“I've never really paid that much attention to my ass before.” Barb decided to look down between her legs, staring down at her butt. We were both sitting on a mattress. We'd laid it down on the ground and called it a day on my room's remodeling. “You thought it's nice?”
“It's a fuckin banger,” I went on. “You're a small girl who's slender, but in a way, all your curves kinda lead to your ass. It accentuates your presence without taking away from it.” I shook my head. “Just a shame you girls don't care much for clothes here. Having some tight jeans around your waist would be like a fuel-line for the imagination.”
“Anon?”
“Yeah?”
“Would you like to touch my ass?”
“That... would make me a very happy man.”
Barb was very nice, and by very nice, I mean very fucking dirty. She turned away from me in a second, getting up on her claws and knees, presenting her ass only to me. Her thick tail draped between her cheeks, but with a small flick, fucked off to the side, exposing nothing but booty to my eyes.
I went to a handful and did not feel regret. Her ass was supple like a though, surprisingly soft to the touch, allowing my palm to sink, even a few inches, into the softness of her cheek. The surface was hard, and it should be—it was covered in fuckin' scales after all. But the fact that it was so hard, that I could never truly take hold of it... it made me want to grab and squeeze and slap it all the more.
“Anon?”
“Yeah?”
“Is your arm still messed up?”
“Yeah,” I replied. “I'm starting to get worried.”
“Would it help if I jerked you off?”
I blinked. “You would be willing to do that for me?”
She turned her head to look at me, holding it slightly low, but still making eye contact. “As long as you don't tell Twilight.”
I didn't even need to think on that shit. “That bitch won't know nothing. Yank me off, yo.”
And then dragon girl yanked me off.
Things were starting to get pretty close with Barb and me.
It kinda became a game to see who could tell Twilight to fuck off more. I don't know who started it: probably me, to be honest. Barb—or anyone in this town—didn't know about the cuss words of earth, and to them, it was like I was sprouting sacred knowledge for all to have.
If fuck, shit, cunt, and prick could ever be considered holy.
Twilight got pissed at us soon enough. We didn't let her experiment on us anymore. Both of us could take her in a fight. In the morning, every day, we would wreck her lab with some baseball bats. Made them myself. The Apple Family lent us some wood.
And by lending us some wood, I mean we went to the farm, late one night, and chopped some fucking trees down. We kinda fucked up when one of the trees was very important to Applejack. She cried when she found it gone. They held a funeral. I showed up with the ax I used to chop the fucker down.
I felt slightly bad about that one. Then Barb jerked me off. I felt slightly better about myself after that.
Anyway. Twilight got tired of my shit after a while. Before I knew it, she was kicking my green ass out the door. She swore never to use the word 'fuck' in her life, but having to tell me “Fuck off and never come fucking back” made me feel like I had started something great.
Like a new trend that would sweep across Equestria.
Who fuckin knew?
I was in the process of fucking off when, suddenly, Barb appeared alongside me. She declared that she, too, was fucking off alongside me. Apparently, we had become close, and by close, I mean she let my finger in-between her legs. I didn't have an issue with this: we both flipped Twilight off, both of us laughing, as we fucked off for good.
The first thing Barb suggested was fucking off into the forest. I wasn't sure how to feel about that shit. The forest sounded hella fucking dangerous, but then logic came in and kicked my ass. I was partnered with a hot ass (who just so happened to have a hot ass) dragon, who could blow even hotter flames. Dragons were pretty much fucking hunters, so I let Barb take the lead.
“You take the lead,” I said. “You know more about this shit than I do.”
So Barb took the lead. She brought us into a place called 'The Everfree Forest' and I would have noped the fuck out of the place if it weren't for her. I kept close to her, if only to have her scales brush against my skin, but really, I was just also scared as fuck.
At some point, I heard some sticks breaking, said, “What the fuck?” And when I turned around, there were three wooden motherfuckers trying to chow down on me. I was told from before that these creatures were called 'timberwolves', but to that, I call bullshit.
Either they're Mr. Woodies, or 'timberfucks'. I went with the latter. It made them less scary in my mind, you know, when they were charging at me, heads low and mouths open, ready to rip me a fucking apart?
But then, once again, dragon girl, timberfucks.
All Barb had to do was blow a jet of fire at all three of the timberfucks. They burned on the spot. At once, they went from wood to ash. We didn't dare change their names after that—disrespecting the dead was a coward's game.
But when a part of the forest caught on fire? That's when it became fucking debate time. Barb and I argued about trying to put out the fire, but then, quickly came to realize that the Everfree was really, really fucking evil.
So we let that fucker burn. In our minds, we were getting rid of evil. Because we were getting rid of evil, that meant we were doing a good thing. Because we were doing a good thing, that meant that we were heroes.
And because we were heroes, Barb could finally get fucking rid of the inferiority complex she held around Twilight. Basically, since they were both heroes, that made them both heroes. Twilight was a princess, of course, but Barb at the better body, so that put them at equal value.
Barb started to love me a lot more after that.
Anyway. So we fucked up a mountain at one point. It was pretty chill; I did my best not to trip over the said mountain. Barb being, well, a fuckin' dragon, we found some cave to chill in. She would hunt shit during the morning, afternoon, evening, night... fuck, she'd fucking hunt all day now that I was thinking about it.
As for me? I just kinda chilled in the cave. We got enough cloth and stuff to make our own clothes. Barb was able to make some cavemen loins for her, well, loins, what outlined her ass to near-perfect quality.
And then we banged a lot.
That's the story of how I fucked a dragon. We fucked in the cave nearly every night. It was pretty dope. We were also heroes too. Mostly everyone called us villains for burning down the forest, but we didn't care too much about them and, instead, focused on each other.
If you started this story thinking I was crazy, then sorry to say this, but that didn't change. It only becomes crazier when you realized I wrote all of this on stone tabs. Oh! Barb's coming home! Gotta go!