What a Weird Little Pony.
Regalus Blueblood, Prince of Equestria trotted up a winding flight of stairs in Canterlot Castle, feeling completely drained. What a day I have had today … he thought with a groan. At least he could enjoy the rest of his evening undisturbed.
He arrived at his chambers and set about giving his mane the usual amount of brushing before bed, changing out of his jacket and placing it where it belonged so the maids could collect it for cleaning. He sighed.
As he was about to collapse into bed he spotted an envelope that had been delivered to his private room. Feeling curious, he picked it up. It was addressed to him, but he didn’t know who would send him mail. The writing was sloppy and uneven, as if the writer could read and write well, but wasn’t used to the act of writing. (This was entirely true.)
Blueblood’s eyes widened when he realized the most likely candidate for the author. He couldn’t stop a grin from spreading across his muzzle. Could it be? He’d been awaiting this, but he didn’t think it would come. He levitated a letter opener over, and carefully opened the letter. He read the first few lines and frowned. He read the whole letter and then reread it. He hadn’t misread.
Fury filled him, and he screwed the letter up. “THAT DAMN INSECT!!!” he screamed. Part of him wanted to set the letter on fire before he remembered that that behavior was unbecoming a prince. He growled and cast it aside. To Tartarus with sleep. He couldn’t go to bed after that.
He threw open the door and stomped down to the ground floor. He came to the Hall of History, with its many stained-glass windows chronicling important events in Equestria’s history. He sat on a bench near the end of the hall, trying to calm down. There were times he hated how self-restrained he had to be. He glanced at the windows, and his eyes came to one of the more recent. He growled. The mirror showed a snaky shape in battle with a shadow above an hourglass symbolizing a trip through time, above the same being pulling a pony out of the shadow that had consumed it. In the two main panels, another being played a large part. A lime green creature that resembled a pony, if it weren’t for the wings and orange moose antlers.
Blueblood growled again. Oh, he had no direct quarrel with the King of the Changelings. Well, the original King of the Changelings anyway. If Thorax had gotten a window, Blueblood could have lived with it. But, no, he had to get the bloody window!! The fact that he’d profusely insisted that he didn’t want one and they built it anyway only served to infuriate Blueblood further.
The main characters in this story were Sombra Ebon, Tyrant of the Chrystal Empire. Fighting and then somehow saving him was Equestira’s second resident Draconequus, Secundus, the Spirit of Duality. Why Aunt Celestia didn’t keep that freak on a tighter leash was beyond Blueblood’s imagination. On the hoofful of times they’d interacted, it practically took divine intervention to stop a corpse turning up in the punchbowl. To make it worse, he had gotten a window, while Blueblood was pretty sure that he never would. Of course, if Blueblood had gotten the response he’d been secretly hoping for, that would mean that he and Secundus would be – he shuddered violently at that thought. No. Best that things had worked out as they had.
Even as he thought it, Blueblood slumped further down in his admittedly uncomfortable bench. Not even Aunt Luna’s wonderful lavender floral arrangements were helping tonight. It wasn’t his fault!! Nopony really had control over this, it just happened, and you had to find a way to live with the consequences. But why did it have to be him? Blueblood thought dejectedly. Why did I have to wind up feeling that way about someone like that, and why did he react that way? A memory surfaced, a flash of blue fur, deep red antlers, a throaty laugh that sounded like it was full of gravel. Never, never in a million years had Blueblood imagined he’d – he couldn’t even finish the thought.
“If there’s some sort of prize for rotten judgement, well, I guess I’ve just won that,” Blueblood muttered.
He was broken out of his funk by somepony singing. He couldn’t quite make out the words, but a stallion was singing some point further down the castle. Feeling curious, Blueblood went to investigate. A distraction might do him good. If he’d glanced back, he would have seen a certain window change so that a figure was glancing at him and grinning.
As he trotted the halls, Blueblood had trouble telling where the mystery vocalist was. The source seemed to change drastically. Now, Blueblood could make out the words. They were … familiar.
Who ya think ye’r kiddin’, he’s Equus and Heaven to ya
Think you’ve got it hidden, darling we can see right through you
Face it like a grown up! Just try to own up that you’ve got it really bad!!!
Blueblood gave an amused snort. He recognized this song, it was from a Disneigh movie he’d seen as a foal. Feeling somewhat foalish, Blueblood cleared his throat and quietly gave the reply.
No chance! No way! I won’t say it, no, no!
To his surprise, the reply came.
You swoon, you sigh, why deny it? Oh-oh!
Blueblood rolled his eyes. “It’s too cliché, I won’t say I’m in love,” he muttered.
Blueblood came to a balcony overlooking the ballroom and saw his mystery singer. A stallion was “busy” sweeping the entire floor. It was just him and Blueblood, nopony else was around.
The stallion was abnormally tall, his fur was a sullen, ashy grey. His mane was short and messy, and stuck up at odd angles. It was the color of fresh blood. His tail was completely different, it was a glossy, wavy black. He was dressed in a janitor’s uniform, Blueblood squinted to get a better look. In flowing cursive stitching, his nametag read “Greg.” Blueblood saw something and his eyes widened in shock. Blueblood had never seen an adult blankflank. The stallion’s eyes were closed, and he was singing loudly.
Greg was technically sweeping the room, but not with his broom. That, he was treating as a dance partner while dust and debris levitated neatly behind him. If it wasn’t for the use of magic, Blueblood wouldn’t have known the stallion was a unicorn at all, his horn was an underdeveloped nub. Blueblood was surprised again; this stallion’s magical aura was jet black. Even Sombra’s had been just dark purple with green lights. This stallion got stranger and stranger.
Greg was singing what sounded like a HearthsWarming carol, which annoyed Blueblood, HearthsWarming wasn’t for another two months. Blueblood was pretty sure it was a carol, but it wasn’t one he had heard before. The lyrics were strange.
Ding ding and dong
Balance in song
One seems to hear
Words of good cheer
From everywhere
Filling the air
Gaily they ring, while people sing
Songs of good cheer –
Greg hadn’t noticed Blueblood trot onto the balcony and was apparently oblivious to the fact the two stallions had just technically sung a duet. Blueblood shuddered. Solaris help him if he started treating his life like some sort of Briddleway musical the way the rest of Equestria did.
Blueblood interrupted the singing by clearing his throat. Loudly.
Greg let out a yelp of surprise and dropped his broom as the dust fell to the floor with a “Whoomph!”. He spun around and started panicking when he saw the Prince. “P-p-Prince B-Blueblood!” he stammered. He gave an awkward bow. “I’m so sorry your Highness, I thought everypony was done with this section of the castle for the evening!” Greg straightened up.
Blueblood sighed. It wasn’t his fault, so … “We should be. My apologies. I’ll … leave you to it then.” Greg nodded, and Blueblood went back to his bench and his moping.
Blueblood heard somepony trotting up the hall and a familiar voice singing. He chuckled. “Well, he does have a nice voice… I’ll let it slide.”
Oh, the weather outside is frightful
But the fire is so delightful!
And since we’ve no place to go:
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!
Greg trotted into view, his broom balanced on his head. Blueblood had no idea how he did that. His tail was wrapped around a polishing cloth that he was using to clean the hall as he moved through it, his tail moving like a pony’s leg. It was very strange. He was also travelling in a personal cloud of dust that didn’t seem to go away.
When Greg saw Blueblood sitting there, he stopped and dropped the rag, his broom falling off his head with a clatter. “I’m so sorry! I thought this was they way I was supposed to go, I didn’t know you’d be here.”
Blueblood noticed that Greg had a slight Anglish accent. To cap off all his strangeness were his eyes. His right eye was a bluish-grey, his left eye was a lime green like somepony had mixed lemon yellow into the first color. Heterochromia. Blueblood remembered the name from a book.
Blueblood sighed. “It’s not your fault, all right?!” he said irritably. “Stop apologizing every other sentence, if I’m unhappy, believe me, you’ll know.”
Greg nodded quickly. “R-right sir. I’ll just carry on. Thank you.” He quickly trotted away humming under his breath.
Blueblood’s ear twitched and he growled as he heard Greg coming back. “Yes?” he said frostily.
“… I know this isn’t my place, and I’m certainly not the best at telling how somepony’s feeling, but what’s wrong?”
“Wrong? What makes you think something’s wrong?” Blueblood snapped.
To his shock, Greg set his broom aside and sat next to him a cloud of dust appearing. “Well, that for one thing,” Greg said with a grin. “That obviously screams ‘upset.’ Most ponies need a reason to be upset.”
Blueblood was stunned. Who did the pony think he was?!! “How long have you worked here?! I don’t recognize you!”
Greg shrugged casually, dust settling all over him. Blueblood scooted away. “I’m just here on a temp job, that’s all. I’m sure I’ll be out of your mane soon, don’t worry.” Greg’s “Whatevertude” drove Blueblood up the wall. Greg sighed. “Do you want to talk about it or would you rather I go polish your crest while you’re distracted? I might steal something in all honesty, so best that I’m here, right?”
Blueblood’s jaw dropped. What member of staff would admit to the fact that they were lighthooved?!! A dangerously unhinged one, Blueblood decided, getting ready to bolt.
He then thought about it. Despite Greg’s … quirks, he seemed genuinely interested in hearing Blueblood’s troubles, and Blueblood couldn’t really tell Aunt Celestia or Luna about this, and he really didn’t have a confidant besides them … what the Tartarus. “You cannot tell anypony this!” Blueblood growled.
Greg shrugged, dust appearing and settling like magic. Where did it come from? He should have run out by now. “Who am I going to run my mouth off too? I wouldn’t betray a confidence and sell this to the tabloids or something. Besides, I’m not interested in money.”
Obviously not. Blueblood thought. With this attitude and work ethic, you’ll never hold down a job. Blueblood winced. This wasn’t going to be easy. “Well, if you must know … there’s … somepony I like.”
Greg grinned happily. “Congratulations! That’s wonderful.” Greg frowned. “Why would that make you this snappish?”
Blueblood rolled his eyes before his ears dropped. “Well, I’ve only met them a few times. I was … interested at first sight, but I’ve never told them how I feel. Well, I hadn’t, I wrote them a few letters, and I finally confessed to them.” He clenched his teeth. “The reply I received basically tore my heart out of my chest and stomped on it. I have never been spoken to like that.”
“I’m sorry. May I inquire as to her name?”
“Him.” Blueblood said so softly even he hardly heard it. He glanced up, expecting derisive laughter or a hidden camera.
Instead, Greg simply said, “All right, what’s his name?”
Blueblood was stunned. He, Prince Blueblood, playcolt extraordinaire, had just come out of the closet to a random stranger, and he hadn’t cared! That was … inconceivable. Most ponies would use that as a weapon against him, but Greg hadn’t batted an eye. Greg was also treating him like they were equals instead of a Prince and a janitor. That was again inconceivable. To Blueblood’s growing horror and fascination, he found somepony treating him like an equal … nice. Inconceivable.
Blueblood and his conscience weren’t on speaking terms these days, but in the back of his mind, it quietly whispered, You keep using that word, but I don’t think it means what you think it means. Blueblood blinked in surprise.
Greg grinned and stuck out a hoof. “Greg Cleansweep. Nice to meet you. Are you going to put your tongue back in your mouth now?”
Blueblood slammed his jaw shut and quickly shook the hoof, trying to touch as little of it as possible. “ … Likewise…”
“So, what’s the stallion’s name?” Greg asked patiently.
“Uh, Pharynx,” Blueblood managed.
Greg’s head tilted to the side as he processed that. “That’s … an unusual name.”
“He’s … a Changeling.”
“Oh. Well, that’s all right. Changelings are pathovores, so I’m sure he’d appreciate being loved.”
“Patho what?”
Greg rolled his eyes. “‘Pathovores.’ ‘Emotion eaters.’ It’s a word I made up, I make words like that up. Sue me.” Blueblood actually chuckled at that. Greg asked, “So you’re attracted to him, you wrote him to tell him, and he vehemently rejected you. Why was that?”
“I don’t know!” Blueblood shouted. “I’ve never met a pony who didn’t want me!”
“I think they were just after your money and status,” Greg said reasonably.
Blueblood glared at him. “I can have any mare I want!” he snapped.
Greg smirked. “OK Lothario, answer me this: When was the last time you ‘had’ a mare at all? Beyond that, when was the last time you had a meaningful relationship with anypony, ever?”
Blueblood stared in shock. He couldn’t remember. He usually kicked mares out after he was done with them, not caring who he hurt.
Seeming to read his mind, Greg continued, “You enjoy toying with ponies because it makes you feel powerful. If you’ve got power, you’ve got worth, right? Otherwise you feel like a nobody. But … is toying enough for you? Is having vapid affairs for the rest of your life going to actually satisfy you? Or … do you want to stallion up, and admit that what you actually, desperately want is somepony to love you? You have to admit, not caring about anypony but yourself is a very lonely way to live.”
Blueblood went from shock that this pony seemed to know him so well to outrage that a commoner was treating him like this. “How dare you speak to me like that!! I’ll have you imprisoned!”
Greg shrugged, dust settling all over the bench. “The Canterlot dungeons have been out of use for centuries. Everypony knows that.” He smirked. “You’re welcome to have me beheaded, but only insofar as you do not alter my neck in any way.” Blueblood actually gave a hoot of laughter at how ridiculous this whole thing was. A janitor treating him like a foal! Greg smiled. “Nice to know I haven’t lost my talent for comedy. I did seem to hit a nerve back there. Was it because I hit too close to home?”
Blueblood’s mouth opened and shut. Admitting defeat, he nodded.
“Ah,” was all Greg said. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Greg reached into his uniform pocket and pulled out a small paper bag, holding it out. “Would you like a gumdrop?”
Blueblood peered into the bag. True to Greg’s word, it was filled with black gumdrops. They might have been licorice flavored but considering that Greg radiated dust like some sort of halo, they might not have been. Anyway, Blueblood didn’t really like licorice. He shook his head.
“Suit yourself,” Greg said. He popped several into his mouth and chewed. When he opened his mouth, his tongue was dyed a deep black. Blueblood blinked. For a split second, it had looked like Greg’s tongue was forked, but it must have been an illusion. Greg sighed. “So. What do you want, Regalus Blueblood? You’re at a crossroads, but it’s your life. Do you want to try to have a meaningful relationship with Pharynx?”
Blueblood sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t exactly know him that well. And then there’s his family,” Blueblood said, shuddering deeply.
“What’s wrong with his family? I heard the Changelings were reformed now.”
“It’s not the Changelings, it’s his … brother and brother-in-law, the two kings.”
“What’s wrong with them?”
“Have you heard of Secundus?”
Greg thought about it. “No, I can’t say I-” his eyes lit up as he connected the dots. “Oh! You mean that maniac Draconequus who did that thing in the Crystal Empire? Princess Sparkle’s friend? The one who makes Discord look sane? I think I’ve seen him at a few parties here, he always looks miserable.”
Blueblood nodded. “That’s the one.”
Greg’s eyes widened. “Wow. That’s Pharynx’s brother-in-law?” Blueblood nodded. Greg winced. “My sympathies. He’d be horrible to live with.”
“What makes you say that?”
Greg shrugged. “Just a feeling, that’s all. I can understand wanting to stay as far away from him as possible, but what’s wrong with Pharynx’s brother? Epidermis? I forget his name.”
“Thorax. King Thorax. He’s nowhere near as bad as Secundus, but he’s a Johnny-come-lately who has no right to be treated like a genuine member of Equestrian royalty, he’s a complete pushover, and their son is a freak of nature.”
“If you say so.”
Blueblood shivered. The room suddenly felt twenty degrees cooler. It was night and it was Autumn, so that was normal, Blueblood just didn’t remember it being that fast. He sniffed angrily. “That nightmare Secundus must have found out from Pharynx that I like him when I first started writing, and he had the gall to threaten me with it at this year’s Gala. Can you believe that?”
Greg winced. “I can, yes. Maybe he was just having a really bad day.”
Blueblood huffed. He then remembered his behavior that evening. He had been toying with Secundus and had insulted his son. Regalus had heard that it was safer to swan-dive off a cliff than to threaten the Prince of the Changelings, especially in front of his father. He sighed. “Perhaps. I was intentionally being cruel to him, I will admit that.”
“Mmm … So! What’s your choice?”
“Choice?”
“Carry on as usual, or give a relationship with Pharynx a try? I will warn you, that second choice will be much, much more difficult. You’ll have to try to be a better stallion. You’ll have to change. Change isn’t good or bad, but it can certainly be painful. You might find it’s worth it though.”
“What makes you think Pharynx would even give me another chance?”
Greg smiled, and it was the smile of someone who knew more than was good for them. “I just know. I know lots of things.” He examined his hock, looking at where a watch would be. “I have to get back to work, otherwise they’ll dock my pay. Sorry I can’t help more!” Greg grabbed his broom.
Greg gave Regalus a friendly pat on the back. Blueblood yelped. Not because he’d been touched, but because he could feel the dust settling into his coat, and it made his skin crawl. “Sorry,” Greg said quickly. He grabbed his broom again, twirled it, and starting beatboxing to himself, moving the broom in time with the rhythm. “Sweep, sweep, sweep, sweep!” He spun the broom around. “Sweep, sweep, sweep, sweep!” He moved on down the hall.
Blueblood blinked. That was certainly earwormy. Auntie Celestia hired the strangest help these days. He shuddered at the fact he was now dirty, dust rose from his coat, and he sneezed. He felt defiled. He then blinked. So, what. He could always take a bath. After today, that sounded good.
Blueblood chuckled. He hadn’t thought like that in a long time. He reflected on that strange conversation. Did he really want -? He thought of Pharynx and smiled dreamily. Yes, he did. He processed this. He barely knew Pharynx, he’d just said “hello” a few times. It was very likely he’d be rejected. Even if he wasn’t, the relationship would most likely not work out. Even if it did, he’d be laying his soul at Pharynx’s hooves, which was inviting a world of pain into possibility. The relationship would have more repercussions for him socially than he could possibly count.
Blueblood blinked and started laughing hysterically. He didn’t care. About any of that. He’d never been genuinely attracted to somepony, he just kept up the playcolt façade because it was fun. The chance of an actual relationship intrigued and terrified him. He felt sweaty and felt butterflies in his stomach. Steady, he told himself, You can do anything you put your mind to! That strange stallion had been right, if he wanted somepony to actually like him, he’d have to clean up his act. He had no idea how to do that. “Nice” wasn’t exactly his forte. He would have to get advice.
On the other hoof, if the relationship headed where Blueblood secretly hoped it would, he’d officially be brothers-in-law with that menace Secundus. He didn’t want that.
Regalus thought about it. Maybe Secundus was … he didn’t know what. Maybe, just maybe, they could have a do-over? He hated Secundus, but he didn’t want to ruin his family if he was going to join it. Anyway, he’d come to realize that they were both at fault, even if it was mostly Secundus’s fault. Blueblood then grinned. Why not kill two birds with one stone and ask Secundus how to seduce get Pharynx to go out with him? If Secundus could teach Sombra to walk the path of kittens and rainbows, he would certainly be able to get Blueblood to come out of his shell.
Blueblood cackled maniacally. It was perfect! A weight that Blueblood hadn’t even noticed had been with him his whole adult life suddenly felt lighter. He felt like the happy foal he’d been what felt like lifetimes ago. He wanted to sing in the streets, he wanted to dance in the rain, he wanted to march on the Changeling Hive and serenade his love. Blueblood gave a bubbling laugh of joy. He felt drunk. That stallion had to have gotten him drunk. He should have him locked up. That, or thank him.
Not caring if he looked foalish, Blueblood charged down the halls of the Castle, looking for a tell-tail trail of dust. He finally found Greg by the Servant’s Entrance to the Castle, looking ready to go home for the night.
“Are you leaving?”
Greg nodded. “Yeah, I said I was just here for a temp job. I gave the Castle a pretty good scrub down, so I feel good.”
Blueblood glanced around. The Castle did seem much cleaner, which shouldn’t have been possible with the way Greg spread dust everywhere.
“I just have to ask; what kind of a name is Greg?”
Greg grinned. “What kind of name is Regalus?”
Fair point, Blueblood thought. “Will I … see you again? I could use some more advice.”
Greg nodded and grinned. “Don’t worry, you’ll see me again, and I’ll be happy to give any advice you might need. I’ll probably have a more familiar face though,” he said with a toothy grin. Blueblood wondered what the hay that meant. “Goodnight, sweet Prince,” Greg said with a bow. He trotted out the door.
Blueblood rushed after him to ask a million questions, but when he got outside, Greg was gone.
Blueblood wondered who he was, where he went, and what he was doing. He then shrugged, before quickly trotting back to his chambers to begin another letter. He picked his words more carefully, and more honestly this time.
Canterlot wasn’t as much of a night city as Manehatten or Singapony, but it did have a nightlife. Nobles and commoners mixed freely on the streets, greeting each other on their respective ways. For some reason, nopony noticed the stallion trotting the streets in a janitor’s uniform, broom balanced on his head, having a dual conversation with himself. It was like he wasn’t there.
“Well … that was interesting. Why did you do that?”
“Because I could. Because I wanted to. Because I got off on the wrong hoof and wanted to make amends. Because I know what it’s like to feel like that.”
“You really need to stop playing matchmaker,” the stallion told himself.
He grinned. “Yes, but so far it’s always worked out. Anyway, it’s for a good cause: getting Blueblood to act like an actual pony, instead of a spoiled jerk.”
“You’re going to get in trouble…”
“Nah. I’m allowed to interfere in the name of family. Besides, I know they'll bring out the best in each other. Slowly.”
“If you say so. What are you going to do now?”
“Well, the night’s young. If I go home, I won’t be able to keep a straight face. I’ll need to have a good talk, of course. But not at this moment. Tell you what. Why don’t I take you out to a nice dinner? I’ll even take you to some place that has bacon.”
The stallion licked his lips with a long black forked tongue and started drooling uncontrollably. “Mmm! Bacon!” he moaned happily.
He then chuckled. “You’re hopeless, you know?”
He grinned and replied, “Maybe, but I’m not as bad as you!”
The stallion chuckled.
And Secundus stepped Up. And Out. And was gone.