> Subtofuge
>  by shallow15
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Or, the Case of the Undercover Lover
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Industrial espionage isn’t the usual line of work for a private eye. The job is usually mired in enough of a morally gray bog without the added complication of wondering if what you’re doing is strictly legal. However, when it comes to my friends, I’m willing to go that extra mile.

It all began when Sunset Shimmer mentioned several months ago that the designs for one of Twilight Sparkle’s upcoming Beanis Inc. products had somehow been pilfered from her computer and subsequently manufactured and put on the market before she had a chance to patent it. Toy-Fussy Adult Novelties quickly became Beanis Inc.’s main competitor. Since the business was growing by leaps and bounds, I decided to help my friends by figuring out who had done the dastardly deed and who was behind their mysterious competition.

Unfortunately, I was waylaid for a time with issues of a… personal nature and wasn’t able to commit wholeheartedly to the investigation until after graduation and after I had established myself in my new career as Canterlot City’s most fashion-forward investigator. A few subtle questions during various meetups toward Twilight and Sunset and I was able to figure out who had stolen the plans in the first place. The only question was: why?





They were a pair of apples so bad that Applejack wouldn’t use them to feed the pigs. Oh, yes, they seemed like they had turned over a new leaf ever since the Friendship Games, but Lemon Zest and Sugarcoat were graduates of Crystal Prep. And while it had become a somewhat more pleasant place since Abacus Cinch’s removal from office, the competitive streak CPA was known for instilling in its students was still very much ground in. 

I took a seat in the booth opposite the two. Both were dressed casually. Unlike my friends and me, who had gone into our various careers straight out of high school, the two former Shadowbolts were in college these days, the only two of the original group that still lived in town.

“Hiya, Rarity!” said Lemon Zest, in her usual overloud tone. The ever-present headphones were latched around her ears as usual. That dame would be lucky if she wasn’t deaf as a post before thirty. 

Sugarcoat made a perfunctory greeting. 

“Hello.”

She would be trouble. While she never told an outright lie, (preferring to deliver a harsh truth with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the face) when she clammed up, a crowbar couldn’t pry those lips open again. This would take nuance… subterfuge… a subtle probing until the time was right –

“You found out we stole Twilight’s plans for the Tofussy, didn’t you?!” Lemon blurted out, breaking into tears. Sugarcoat rolled her eyes and groaned.

“Really?” She glared at her friend. “You couldn’t even last ten seconds?”

“I’m sorry,” Lemon wailed. “I couldn’t take the pressure!”

Well, as efficient as this was, I have to admit I had been looking forward to a good grilling. Nonetheless, I pressed on.

“You do realize industrial espionage is a crime,” I said, putting on my best stern face and steadfastly ignoring the hypocrisy I was spouting. Sugarcoat remained as impassive as ever. Lemon Zest sniffled and blew her nose on a napkin.

“I know,” she sniffled. “But I came up short for my first semester in college, my scholarship didn’t cover it all, and I couldn’t get a loan because my parents make too much money.”

“Isn’t Beanis Inc. paying you royalties for the idea of the Datanis?” I asked. 

“Yeah, but I kinda spent all the money I had for that during spring break and the summer after graduation.”

“As you can see, she’s an idiot,” snapped Sugarcoat.

“I didn’t hear you complaining when I got you those earrings you liked!” Lemon snapped back. “You seemed really appreciative in bed later that night!”

Sugarcoat turned bright red. “This is not the time, or the place, Lemon.”

“No, it never is when it’s my feelings on the line, is it?”

“Ladies, please!” I cried, holding up my hands, and hoping to avoid a relationship squabble. “All I’m interested in knowing is who paid you to do it, and how you did it.”

That seemed to do the trick. Both girls went silent, and Lemon deflated. 

“I don’t know who she was. Just that she worked for some up and coming adult toy company. She offered to cover my debt to the school and in return all I had to do was upload a piece of spyware to one of Twilight’s computers. She gave me a USB drive and showed me a money transfer to my account on her phone. Half up front, the other half when I uploaded the spyware and they got something they could use.

“The next time I met up with Twilight to reload my Datanis and she left the room, I uploaded the spyware. A couple of days later, the rest of the money appeared in my account.” Lemon shrugged. “And as soon as I saw the Tofussy commercials, I realized what had happened.”

“Are you still spying on Twilight for them?”

Lemon shook her head. “No. After the first Tofussy commercial aired, she called me and said the deal was off. Twilight upgraded her security or something.”

“I see. And you never got this woman’s name?”

Lemon shook her head. “No, she never gave it.”

“Can you describe her?”

“She’s about our age. She’s kind of light purple. Purple hair, with aquamarine streaks. Kind of a bad attitude.”

A memory stirred, rising up from my subconscious like a fish that had died and taken a week to breach the surface. “Did she happen to wear her hair in pigtails with large star-shaped barrettes?”

“Yeah!” Lemon said brightly. “How did you know?”

“I’ve dealt with her before,” I said, my voice grim. “And if I’m right, this goes far beyond simple theft of a masturbatory aid.”





It took a couple of weeks, but I managed to locate Toy-Fussy’s offices. A couple of days of stakeouts later and I took a little after hours trip inside to confirm they had Twilight’s original plans. 

Getting out proved to be somewhat problematic, but my days in my previous career came in handy, and enabled me to leave and tell Twilight and Sunset what I had found. (Along with giving them a little present I stole from Toy-Fussy’s own R&D files. Turnabout is fair play, after all.) 

The three of us agreed that I would go undercover at Toy-Fussy in an effort to find proof of the theft that would stand up in court.

Obviously, the first step was to get hired.





“Gloriosa Daisy?” I stared as I entered the office of Toy-Fussy’s Human Resources director.

The former camp manager looked up and smiled. “That’s me! How can I… oh, wait, I remember you! You’re one of Twilight Sparkle’s friends! I got this, hang on… Rarity, right?”

“Yes!” I smiled, taking a seat in front of her desk. “What on earth are you doing here, darling? What happened to Camp Everfree?”

Gloriosa’s shoulders slumped. “Unfortunately, we had a couple of bad years after you and your friends helped us save the camp. We stayed open for a while, but eventually we had to shut down. We just weren’t getting the business.”

“Oh, darling, I’m so sorry,” I said. “I suppose Filthy Rich finally got his spa resort then?”

Gloriosa smiled. “No, he didn’t. We may not have gotten the business to keep the camp open, but we did manage to pay off the mortgage on the land. We haven’t decided what we’re going to do with it yet, but we’ll figure something out.”

She smiled. “In the meantime, I’m working as the accountant here. I like it—people appreciate me and listen to what I have to say!”

Maybe Sunset Shimmer was working for the wrong company. “Well, that’s wonderful!”

“So, what brings you here?” Gloriosa asked. “Wait. Are you my nine o’clock?”

“Yes, I am.”

Gloriosa rifled through some papers on her desk. She pulled out the resume I had sent and set it in front of her. A pink post-it note sat upon it. Gloriosa looked at it and frowned. 

“Something wrong, darling?” I asked.

“Apparently, my boss wants to sit in on the interview. That’s not a problem, is it?”

I felt my shoulders tense, but I quickly forced myself to relax. I had a story prepared that would stand up to scrutiny. I just had to keep calm and collected.

Gloriosa made a phone call and a few minutes later there was a knock on the doorframe. I turned in my seat and paled as Adagio Dazzle strutted her way into the office. She sat in the chair next to me and gave me her trademark lopsided grin. “Rarity! So nice to see you again,” she sneered. 

“Adagio,” I replied, trying to keep my voice even. “I had no idea you were in charge here.”

“It’s a partnership. But why on earth would you be applying here of all places?” Her voice was dripping with the same insincere sweetness she had used when she and the other sirens had tried to take over Canterlot High. “I would have thought that Sunset Shimmer would have given you a job if you really needed one, you being such good friends and all.”

I kept the smile off my face. She had just given me the perfect opening. I quickly put a quaver in my voice to start things off.

“Yes… well…” I swallowed. “Sunset and the others… they…”

I let a tear roll down my cheek. Easy, don’t oversell it.

“Rarity?” Gloriosa asked. “Are you all right?”

I let more tears flow. “You probably don’t know this, but in my senior year of high school, I started making films… adult films.”

Well, at least Adagio looked legitimately surprised. It was always enjoyable to see the constant smugness wiped off her face. 

“I’m… sorry,” said Gloriosa. I shook my head.

“No no, don’t apologize. It was my decision and I don’t regret it.” That was the truth. “But, I left that life behind and I wandered through a few different jobs, but they all fired me when they found out what I had done before. I thought Sunset would have a place for me, but… she told me she didn’t approve of what I did!”

I let the tears flow freely, the cheap mascara I’d worn just for this purpose running down my cheeks as planned. Gloriosa rummaged in her desk and produced a box of tissues. I nodded my thanks and wiped my eyes and cheeks. I sniffled and looked at Adagio, who had a strange expression on her face.

“So, one of your best friends refused to help you when you needed it,” she said slowly. “She cast you aside when you couldn’t meet whatever arbitrary criteria she had for being close to her.”

“Exactly! I couldn’t believe she would be so callous!”

“I can,” she said quietly. “I can believe Sunset Shimmer would be exactly that callous.”

Gloriosa looked from Adagio to me and back again. “Okay,” she began. “Now, you applied for an administrative assistant position, but… oh.”

“Oh?” I asked, looking back at her. This could be trouble  Much to my surprise, Adagio gave her a similar look.

“What’s the problem, Gloriosa?” she asked.

“Well, right now, we don’t really need an administrative assistant, Adagio,” Gloriosa answered. “Between the five of us, we have most of the office work covered.”

“Oh,” I said, putting on a dejected tone. I stood up. “I understand. Please keep me in mind if something becomes available.”

I turned to leave the office, but as I reached the door, Adagio spoke up.

“Rarity, wait.” She turned to Gloriosa. “Let me ask you this, Gloriosa, can we use any help anywhere in the business?”

“Well,” Gloriosa said uncomfortably. “There is the one position we talked about in yesterday’s meeting. I haven’t placed the ad yet…”

“Excellent!” Adagio said brightly. She turned to me. “Now, this isn’t the most glamorous position with the company, but we do need the help and, personally, I would really like to help out someone who’s been so callously tossed aside by her so-called friends.”

I felt my teeth clenched and silently told myself it was for the sake of the investigation. I put on a grateful smile and took Adagio’s hands. “Thank you so much, darling! I will gladly take whatever you have!”

Adagio smiled, and I could tell that maybe I had oversold my desperation. 





Human beings are disgusting. Nothing personal, but when you find yourself cleaning up after them, you quickly learn that we as a species are truly horrible when it comes to mess. 

And when it comes to public restrooms…blech.

I don’t know who committed the heinous brown crime in the ladies room, but I can tell you I have never been so torn in all my life. On the one hand, I was completely repulsed that my investigation had led me to take the custodial position at Toy-Fussy, especially the need to clean up various bodily fluids and semi-fluids. 

And don’t even get me started on the absolutely hideous formless gray jumpsuit and ball cap that were my approved uniform! Not flattering in the slightest, I can assure you. It would take days to make the necessary adjustments to make it less of an eyesore.

On the other hand, I would be damned if I would let my so-called coworkers cause the restroom to become a shrine to evil and slovenly ways… well, considering the staff, I probably couldn’t do much about the “evil” part, but I damn well could do something about “slovenly!” I grit my teeth, twisted my ball cap backward on my head so the brim didn’t get in the way, and attacked the hated foe with all the savagery I could muster.

Gone were the piles of discarded tampon wrappers on the floor! Away with the suspicious spots on the floor of the stalls! Expunged were the perplexing scatters of glitter and rabbit droppings! Soap, toilet tissue, and paper towels were all refilled. Porcelain scrubbed to a gleaming shine, as were the metal fixtures. I may not be their janitor for long, but by god, they would have the cleanest restrooms in the city while I was there!

Satisfied with my work, I returned my cleaning supplies to my cart. I made a cursory check of the men’s room. Toy-Fussy had no male employees at present, so usually I just needed to give the place a quick spritz and mop.

What I was not expecting was to see Sonata Dusk in the room with her head down one of the toilet bowls in the stalls. I shook her shoulder and panicked when I realized she wasn’t breathing. I yanked her out of the bowl and onto her back on the floor. Unfortunately, her natural complexion made it hard to tell if she had drowned or not. I opened her mouth and tilted her head back, trying to remember how one tended to a drowning victim, when she suddenly coughed and rolled onto her side, spewing out an admittedly impressive amount of water. She coughed some more and slowly sat up. She blinked a few times then let out a sigh.
Of exasperation.

“Damn it,” she muttered. “I was really hoping that would work.”

My eyebrows raised. “Um… hoping what would work, Sonata, darling?”

“Drowning. Hadn’t tried that yet.” She ran her hands through her sodden hair. Out of reflex, I handed her a paper towel from the dispenser. She took it and wiped her face.

“Sonata, how long have you been in here?” I asked.

“What time is it?”

“11:20.”

“About an hour.”

“WHAT?!”

“I know!” Sonata said, rising to her feet. “I was so sure it would take this time. That whole irony thing, you know?”

“Um… no?” I admitted.

“Well, back in Equestria we were kind of amphibious. We could fly around or swim in the water. I thought, hey, maybe going back to the water would actually kill my ass this time! But I didn’t feel like going all the way to the river.”

She tossed the paper towel into the wastebasket and turned to me. “Anyway, thanks for the assist. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna fire you for fucking up my suicide. I didn’t expect anyone to come in here. Laters!”

I watched her leave the men’s room and considered whether I could conceivably get away with drinking on the job.





“Aria? Could I talk to you for a moment?”

The third siren was in her office, typing away at her computer, headphones on. She was in charge of Toy-Fussy’s IT department. She rarely left her office during the work day, and judging from the emails she had sent, she resented any intrusion as well, but considering what I had discovered, it seemed an interruption was necessary.

Aria didn’t answer me right away, continuing her work. Eventually, however, she glanced up and when it was clear I wasn’t going away she let out an annoyed sigh and rolled her eyes, before removing her headphones.

“What the hell do you want?” she snarled. I ignored the hostility and pressed on.

“Sonata just tried to kill herself in the men’s room.”

“God damn it. Again?!”

I have to admit, this was not the reaction I expected. “This is a regular occurrence?”

Aria let out a sigh of aggravation. “It’s a colossal pain in the ass is what it  is. What did she do this time?”

I told her what I had found and she groaned again. She picked up her desk phone and dialed an extension. “Adagio? Yeah. Sonata did it again. Tried to drown herself in the men’s room. No, the new janitor found her. Really?”

Aria looked back at me and leaned forward. “Huh,” she said. “It is you. You look like shit.”

I frowned and opened my mouth to respond, but she held up a hand and continued her call. “Yeah… yeah… Oh, fuck that, Adagio. No, you tell her to stop freaking out the help. You’re supposed to be the boss around here, so act like it!”

She slammed the phone back in its cradle and looked at me. “Adagio will handle it. If Sonata does it again, just dump her ass on the floor and let her sleep it off.”

I stood there, astonished. While Aria had been rather nasty and sarcastic during the brief time we had interacted with her and the other sirens, this seemed downright callous.

“Are you certain, darling?” I asked. “You aren’t concerned about your sister? If she’s trying to kill herself…”

“She’s been trying to kill herself ever since you blasted us and took away our magic,” Aria snapped, putting her earbuds back in. “She does this every week. It never takes. Just do what you did today so she doesn’t make herself even more of a pain in the ass than she already is and everything will be fine.”

I opened my mouth to reply, but the siren had returned to her computer. I let out a sigh of frustration and left the office, returning to my cart.





A few days later, I turned my attention to another mystery: the fifth employee of Toy-Fussy. Unlike Beanis, Inc., Toy-Fussy subcontracted the actual production of their flagship product, with the main office focused on the running of the business. In my small supply closet, I pulled out my phone and went over my notes.

Adagio’s official title was CEO and President. Aria was in charge of IT and Outsourcing. Sonata allegedly ran Customer Service, and Gloriosa was HR and Accounting. But that still left the Head of Operations, who never seemed to be in the office. They had an office of their own, but it was largely untouched. No nameplate on the door or the desk. 

However, there were a few other odd items. Several decks of cards were in the drawer along some odd spheres that vaguely resembled bath bombs. The same glitter I’d encountered in the ladies room was scattered here and there and more of the inexplicable rabbit droppings under the desk. I began to get a sneaking suspicion about who the fifth employee was.

I made a show of cleaning up; emptying the trash, vacuuming, and so on. But what I was really interested in was the computer. I “accidentally” closed the door and left the vacuum running as I booted it up. 

The lock screen confirmed my suspicions. The overconfident face of Trixie Lulamoon smirked at me from the screen. While we had been mutual friends with Sunset Shimmer during our later years of high school, something happened in our senior year which caused Sunset to cut off ties with Trixie. Sunset only said that it was a situation she wasn’t at liberty to talk about, so we left it at that. 

Now we knew where she ended up. I made a mental note to inform Sunset as soon as I could of this development. In the meantime, I needed to get into her system. And if Trixie was still as egotistical as I remembered, then I had a pretty good idea what her password was.

It only took two tries. “Powerful.” Honestly, Trixie, learn some new adjectives. 

Unfortunately, it appeared Adagio didn’t trust her alleged partner. All I could find were some of the same files and project notes I had seen when I plifered the plans for the Octofussy. Nothing to prove that they had stolen the original plans for the Tofussy. I logged out of the computer and retrieved the vacuum. Clearly, this was going to take longer than I expected.





After a few weeks, I was getting frustrated. I'd had the opportunity to check out all the computers in the offices, but everyone else (including Sonata, surprisingly) had much better passwords and security. Aria’s system in particular was largely impregnable with several layers of security that I had never seen before. Possibly some sort of custom software of her own devising. 

Which isn’t to say I didn’t learn a few interesting things about Toy-Fussy and how it was run in the meantime.





Sonata was in my supply closet. She had a glass on one of the shelves and a cocktail shaker in her hands. 

“Hey, Rarity,” she greeted, as she poured the viscous blue concoction from the shaker to the glass. I recoiled at the chemical smell.

“Sonata, darling,” I began. “I’m a little concerned.”

“About what?” Sonata reached into her pocket and extracted a small paper umbrella. She popped it open and stuck it in the glass. “I like the little paper umbrellas, don’t you? Makes every drink more fun.”

“I’ve seen many strange things over the last few years, but… darling… why on earth do you keep doing this?”

Sonata sighed and looked at her ‘lethal’ cocktail. She opened her mouth, but as soon as she did, another voice came from behind me.

“Hey, loser,” said Aria, shoving me aside and glaring at her sister. “Staff meeting. Waste your time killing yourself later. Let’s go.”

“Okay!” Sonata tossed the glass behind her, causing it to shatter against the back of the closet, the chemicals dripping down the wall. I rolled my eyes and let out a huff of exasperation. I moved past Sonata, grabbing a cloth from one of the shelves.

“What the hell are you doing?” Aria asked. I looked over my shoulder.

“My job?” I responded, trying to keep the frustration I was feeling out of my voice. “Somebody has to clean this up.”

“Not now, you’re not,” Aria replied. “Adagio wants you in the meeting too. Some bullshit about wanting a new perspective or something.”

I blinked. Why on earth would Adagio want me in the meeting? Something was strange.

Well… stranger than usual.





“All right,” Adagio began from her seat at the head of the conference table. “So ever since our plans for the Octofussy were deleted from the servers… somehow.”  She glared at Aria, who returned it right back to her.

“I told you, our security was shit back then. I’d been demanding better software for months but we never seemed to have the budget.”

“Well,” Gloriosa began. “We didn’t actually have the budget, Aria. I tried finding the money, but honestly, most of our products other than the Tofussy haven’t really been selling all that well.”

I kept my mouth shut. This was an interesting development. 

“Which brings us to the purpose of this meeting,” said Adagio. “We need new products, ladies. Sales are slipping and Beanis Inc is kicking our collective ass in the market. Rumor has it they’re moving into personal security now.”

“What? Like a fake dick that shoots pepper spray?” Sonata asked.

“Go back to sleep, Sonata,” Aria groaned. “Nobody’s gonna buy a fake dick that could accidentally blind them.”

The door to the conference room burst open with a plume of smoke and an overdramatic voice.

“And no one thought anyone would buy a fake dick made out of bean paste either! But here we are! And here I am! The Great and Powerful Trixie has arrived with a number of sure fire winning ideas that will ensure our complete domination of the marital aid market!”

Trixie emerged from the smoke and grandly took her seat at the table across from me. She looked me up and down, then leaned forward.

“You look vaguely familiar,” she began. “Have you come to witness the awesome majesty of the the Great and Powerful Trixie in person?”

“She’s the new janitor, Trixie,” Adagio said. 

“Ah, well, don’t worry. Trixie is not only great and powerful, she is also the cleanest and tidiest person in this office!”

“Your little long-eared rat shit on the tables in the break room again,” said Aria.

“Sir Wickerbottom the Second would do no such thing!” Trixie protested. “He is a well behaved and sanitary assistant… helper… rabbit… person.” 

She sank into her seat, clearly having run out of whatever indignation was fueling her. After a moment, however, she was back to her usual bombastic self.

“Irregardless!” 

“Not a word, moron,” Aria muttered. Trixie shot her a glare.

“Irregardless,” she repeated, pointedly. “Trixie has been thinking and she has a strategy.”

“This should be good.” Aria folded her arms and slumped in her seat.

“Aria.” Adagio’s voice held a warning note. She looked over at Trixie. “Go ahead.”

Trixie smiled and stood up. “While we’ve been dominating the artificial vagina market, we need to get more aggressive in beating Beanis at their own game! Therefore, the Brilliant and Innovative Trixie is proud to present the item that will assure us total market domination!”

She reached into her pocket and threw another of the “bath bombs” I had found in her office onto the table. It exploded in a puff of blue smoke. The other four of us coughed and sputtered as we waited for the smoke to clear.

When it did, I stared at what was on the table in front of a very smug looking Trixie. My eyes widened as it registered just what I seemed to be looking at. I tried keeping my voice level. 

I failed.

“What… is… that?” 

“Behold, grubby new janitor person! The newest product that will being Toy-Fussy to the top of the adult entertainment world! The Penis-nis!”

“The what?” I asked, turning to look at her.

“It’s a penis made out of a penis!” Trixie said proudly.

I took a look at the… thing… on the table then at the others. Gloriosa looked ill. Aria looked disgusted. Sonata leaned forward and prodded it with a finger. It let out an unexpected squeak. I looked at Adagio, who sighed and rubbed her eyes before speaking.

“Trixie, remember the conversation we had the last time you pitched a product?” she asked.

“You said the Ice Creamnis was a great idea!” Trixie protested. “It’s not my fault they melted too fast for anyone to get any use out of them!”

“Not that.”

Trixie thought for a moment. “The Porn-nis? You all seemed to like that one.”

“Until we found out that we’d essentially be opening ourselves to a huge infringement lawsuit when it turned out all you did was buy a Datanis and encode a bunch of porn videos into the e-Jaculate,” said Gloriosa. “I’m not saying it was a bad idea, but we really need something we can prove we own outright.”

Trixie frowned. One could almost hear the gears turning. “The Glassnis?”

“That was a fucking glass dildo, Trixie!” Aria shouted. “Those have been on the market for fucking years!”

“The Treenis!” Trixie retorted, slapping her hand on the table. “Sonata, you liked the Treenis!”

“Yeah, but the bark tore me up something fierce.”

“The bark?” The question was out of my mouth before I could stop it.

“Yeah. I was laid up for a week. Went through a LOT of medicated balm.”

“Enough!” Adagio cried. She pointed at the… thing… on the table. “Trixie, if this really is what you say it is, where did you get it?”

“Medical supply warehouse,” Trixie answered. “Did you know they sell whole cadavers for medical schools and stuff? I told them we’d pay top dollar for all the penis -- Where are you all going?”

If I recall correctly, I was the lucky one who got the last stall in the ladies room. Aria was forced to use the sink.





“You wanna get a drink?”

The day was over and I was putting my supplies away when Adagio’s voice broke my concentration. I looked up. She was languidly leaning against the doorway to the closet, a smirk on her face.

“Pardon?” I asked.

“Aria and I are going out for drinks. We both need one after exposure to Trixie spitting in the face of human decency. I thought you might like to join us.”

I considered for a moment, then smiled. Rule #15 in the private investigator handbook: never pass up a chance to talk to the drunk. “I’ll need ten minutes to get changed.”





The bar was a dark but well maintained place on the ritzier side of town. Technically, I’m underage, but a good P.I. knows the importance of an equally good fake I.D. As the evening wore on, Adagio’s mood mellowed and conversation was had.

“So, there I am,” Adagio said, a faint alcoholic blush on her cheeks. “Hungry and horny and not really sure whether I want food or sex more. And all of a sudden, I think ‘hey! Why not both?’ And I just dump an entire bowl of strawberries all over the centurion and start eating and licking the juice off his naked body.”

“Mmm,” I sighed. “Food play is always so exciting with the right person.”

“Who do you think invented it that day?” Adagio smirked. “The centurion liked it so much he started doing it with other partners. A few centuries later, everybody’s trying it at least once.”

“Amazing,” I replied. “I never really thought how those kinds of things come about.”

“Oh please,” Aria snorted. Her face also had the faint blush of inebriation. “She tries to take credit for some kind of kink every time we go drinking with someone else.”

She downed her drink then looked at her sister with a sneer. “Never mind the fact she was a virgin until about a year ago.”

Adagio turned bright red and snarled across the table. “Shut. Up!”

“Wait, what?” I looked at both of them. “But you’re all immortal? How?”

“She’d never gotten further than third base until last year,” Aria explained, grabbing Adagio’s scotch. “Always got interrupted, or her partner passed out, or their spouse came home. Never seen such rotten luck in my life.

“Then she comes home last year and says, no shit, ‘Do you two know how good orgasms feel?’”

I couldn’t help it. I burst out laughing with her. Adagio let out a growl.

“Look, it’s not my fault I had bad luck until last year, all right?!” 

“I’m sorry, Adagio,” I replied. “But you have to admit the idea is very funny.”

Adagio scowled at me, then her expression softened. “I suppose it would be to someone else.”

She ordered another drink. When it arrived she took a sip and smirked back at us. “Of course, if we’re talking about kinks, Aria’s responsible for a few.”

I turned to look at the other siren. “Really?”

It was Aria’s turn to blush. She frowned and sipped her own drink. “I like shoes,” she muttered.

“Shoes, nothing,” Adagio giggled. “She’s the reason for foot fetishes. You should have seen her when we first came through. After the initial shock, she spent days doing stuff with her feet. And when she started messing with the various village girls we found, so did they.”

“Bite me, Adagio,” Aria snapped. She got up from the table and began walking away, swaying slightly.

“Aria, darling, come back! She was only teasing!” I said.

“No, I wasn’t,” Adagio grinned.

Aria looked back over her shoulder. “I’m comin’ back. Christ, I’m just going to the bathroom!”

I turned back to Adagio. “That wasn’t very nice.”

Adagio shrugged. “It’s how we are.”

I sighed and let the subject go. “So… she likes shoes?”

The siren nodded. “You should see her closet. She spent over a grand on a custom rack for all her footwear.” She signaled for another drink.

“I see. That’s very interesting.”

I sipped at my cocktail and allowed myself a small smile as Adagio flirted with the waiter. Thanks to her comments, a plan was beginning to form.







Aria looked up from her desk as the thud of the box I had dropped on the surface. She pulled out her earbuds and eyed it with suspicion.

“What the hell is this?”

I perched myself on the desk and tapped the box. “I was out shopping last night and I spotted something I knew would look divine on you. I had a bit of extra cash, so I figured, why not?”

She raised an eyebrow at that, but took the box and opened it. Her skepticism turned to shock as she pulled out a truly stunning pair of platform heels in a vibrant violet with dark crimson accents. She turned them back and forth in the light.

“You like?” I asked, allowing a teasing tone to creep in.

As expected, her general disdain returned to her face. “They’re okay. Dunno if I’ll ever wear them, but thanks.”

I slid from the desk to my knees on the floor. I took one foot in her hand and gently slid her shoe off, glancing upward with half-lidded eyes and my sultriest expression.

“Oh, come now, Aria, darling,” I soothed. I began gently dragging my fingertips along the sole of her foot. Aria’s jaw tightened, but I felt a tiny shudder. “How can you know if you like them if you don’t try them on?”

Aria didn’t respond, so I gave her other foot the same treatment, then slid the new pair onto her feet. I stood up and held out a hand, helping her to her feet. Aria seemed slightly dazed as she took a few steps forward. She looked down at her feet, then at me. She tried to reassert her usual cold demeanor, but her face was flushed. I noticed her looking me over with considerably less contempt than she usually did.

“Okay, they’re cool,” she muttered. “Thanks, I guess.”

“You’re quite welcome, darling. Well, I must be off. The trash isn’t going to empty itself!”

I walked out of her office, leaving the door open. I stopped by my cart and waited.

“Hey.”

I turned to see Aria standing in the doorway. She was holding herself with her usual air of ironic detachment. But she was still wearing the shoes.

“Yes, darling?”

Aria’s face flushed again, but she kept her usual annoyed tone when she spoke. 

“You didn’t annoy me as much as I thought last night. Adagio and Sonata have plans, and I hate eating alone. You wanna get dinner after work?”

I pursed my lips and allowed it to spread into a smile. “I’d be delighted.”

Phase one complete.






Dinner was nothing fancy. Aria led me to a small out of the way diner near the Toy-Fussy offices. It was the literal definition of “greasy spoon.” After subtly moving the spoon in question out of sight behind the napkin dispenser, I looked across the table at Aria.

“Well, this is…” I struggled for a term that seemed accurate without reflecting my actual feelings about the place. “... charmingly retro.”

“It’s a dive and you know it,” Aria replied, not looking up from the menu. “Do you trust me?”

I blinked. “I beg your pardon?”

She closed the menu. “To order for you. I know your type. But I can tell you right now, a salad is the last thing you want from this place. I can get you something I guarantee is good, but the rest of the menu is hit or miss. If you wanna gamble, it’s your funeral.”

I considered. I needed to get to know her better to get an idea of what her password might be, but by the same token, she was also the kind of person who would saddle me with something atrocious just to amuse herself.

“Surprise me,” I decided, closing my own menu and giving her a smile. She called the waiter over.

“Give us two Bacon Blasters, medium. Tots on the side. No ketchup. No tomatoes.”

“Anything else, Aria?” the waiter asked, not even writing the order down.

“Cola for me. I dunno what she wants to drink.” Aria nodded her head at me. I ordered water. The waiter smiled and left the table. Aria smirked at me again.

“So… you did porn while you were still in high school. How the hell did that happen?”

I sighed. “I was eighteen and my applications to all the major fashion design schools had been rejected. I was ready to simply attend a regular university, but I was not thrilled with the idea of drowning in student loans for the rest of my  life. I discovered an open call for ‘models’ and it seemed like a way to make a little extra cash.”

“And when you found out what it really was, they conned you into doing it anyway,” Aria finished. 

“Actually, no. They were up front about what it was when I arrived. I was going to leave but I thought about it. My romantic prospects have never been all that great. The boys all thought I was too stuck up, or unattainable, or were all uncouth brutes whom I didn’t consider worth losing my virginity with. And even then, I spent more time working on my portfolio than worrying about dating.”

I idly played with the straw in my water glass. “I figured, what the hell? I’d be able to make some decent money, I’d be working under a pseudonym, and I’d scratch the occasional itch. The producers were all very nice and respectful of their performers. Nobody was required to do anything they didn’t want to do. That may not be the case with all producers, but these people had hard and fast rules about consent.

“That was also how I learned I liked girls as much as boys. My first girl-on-girl scene… well…” I gave her another sultry smile. “I learned a lot about what turned me on, and how to do the same for my partner.”

To emphasize my point, I put my lips to the straw and slowly sucked. Aria watched me, transfixed. After I drank, I slowly withdrew my lips, taking special care to let the tip of my tongue slowly drag along the underside of the straw before pulling it back into my mouth.

Aria’s eyes were wide and I let a teasing grin cross my face. The waiter returned then and Aria jumped as her plate was placed in front of her. I suppressed a giggle as she yelped and tried to compose herself. 

“And what about you, darling?” I asked, after the waiter had left. “I don’t recall you being into computers during your time at Canterlot High.”

“Not much to tell, really.” She shrugged. “After you guys kicked our asses, we had to start looking for other ways to support ourselves. I heard that IT paid pretty well, so I took a couple of basic coding classes. Found out I have a knack for it and it was pretty interesting. Got my certifications, bounced around from place to place, until Adagio said we were going into the sex toy business and she wanted me to handle all the computer work.”

I picked up the burger in front of me and took a bite. My eyes popped open as the flavors exploded on my tongue. “Thif if amathing!” I exclaimed around the mouthful of food. 

Aria smiled. “Told ya. Best burger in the city that nobody knows about.”

I swallowed. “Well, in that case, tomorrow I am taking you to a little place that has the best pad thai in the city that nobody knows about.”

Aria’s smile turned into a grin. “You’re on.”





“We’re doing what?” I asked Adagio. I had been unexpectedly called into another staff meeting. 

“You and Aria are heading up a stakeout,” Adagio repeated. “We’ve got word that Beanis Inc has a new product in development for personal defense.”

“Called it!” Sonata cheered. Adagio gave her a dirty look and continued.

“They’ve apparently given it to their new security guard. You two, plus a few guys we’ve got on retainer, are going to follow him home and see if you can get it, or at the very least some photos we can work with.”

“Why us?” Aria complained. “She the janitor and I’m IT.”

“Because I said so,” Adagio snapped. “I want whatever it is. We need a new product on the market and we need it now. If we can get this thing, make our own version, and get it to market before they do, that will put us at the top of the game.”

“Still doesn’t explain why you want us --”

“JUST DO IT, ARIA!” Adagio screamed. There was an awkward silence from the rest of us around the table. Aria shrugged.

“Fine, whatever.” She got up from the table and tapped my shoulder. “C’mon, princess, before she gives herself an aneurysm.”

She led me to another storage room that I wasn’t given access to. She unlocked it and led me in. The room was small and lined with shelves that held an assortment of boxes of various sizes. She went to one and began rummaging through it.

“You’re what? A size four?” she asked. 

“Yes…” I said, confused. Aria nodded and pulled out a folded black garment in shrink wrap. She tossed it to me.

“Put that on and meet me at my office. We’ll take my car.”

I went to the ladies room and opened the package. It was a black coverall not that dissimilar from my work uniform. I looked it over with distaste, sighed and began removing my work coverall. As I did, I looked at myself in the mirror. I had on a simple tank top and yoga pants under the coverall. No sense in wasting any of my more fabulous outfits on a job where they’d never be seen. 

I paused, seeing myself stand there with my coverall unzipped and the opening revealing my clothes underneath. A devious grin spread across my face. A plan was forming. Oh yes.





Stakeouts are the most mind numbing part of any investigative job. It is true for the police, it is true for private eyes, and it is true for sex toy manufacturer employees engaged in recursive industrial espionage.

Aria and I had followed Flash Sentry back to his apartment complex. The “guys on retainer” had followed in four black vans that were parked at various intervals down the street. Flash had gotten home only an hour before and we were waiting for the opportunity to retrieve whatever it was we had been sent in for.

Aria sighed as she rested her chin in her hand. “I hate this shit.”

“Pardon?”

“This stupid stakeout shit,” she clarified. “Adagio gets a bug up her ass about beating Beanis and the whole goddamn day gets shot.”

“Why is she so determined to beat Beanis, anyway?” I asked, genuinely curious. 

“I have no clue. She just found out about it one day, saw they were doing great, and insisted we had to destroy them. I think she’s just out for revenge on all your friends.”

“And you?” 

She looked at me. “What about me?”

“Are you out for revenge?” I leaned forward, placing a hand on her knee. “You don’t seem as engaged in all this as she is.”

She sighed again. “I’m not. I think this whole thing is fucking stupid. And shit like this is really fucking stupid.”

“Then why do it?” I asked.

She looked at me with her usual contemptuous expression, but I spotted something else in her eyes. A kind of melancholy. One that I remembered seeing years ago when we had brought Sunset Shimmer into our little circle. 

“What the hell else have I got to do with my life?”

Loneliness.

I opened my mouth to say something, but before I could, a masculine scream got our attention. Flash Sentry rushed out of his ground floor apartment and collapsed on the lawn outside. 

“That’s our cue.” Aria grabbed her phone and dialed a number. “Move in, looks like it’s some kind of pepper spray or something. Use the gas masks.”

She reached into the back seat, produced a pair of gas masks and tossed one in my lap. “Put that on,” she ordered.

I complied and we both got out of the car. The boys in the vans arrived shortly afterward. Things were a bit hectic for a while. Aria, her identity hidden behind the mask, spun some sort of yarn about being a hazmat crew. Flash was quickly seen to and hustled off the site, allowing us to enter his apartment.

Inside, we found a Datanis sitting on the end table next to the sofa. Aria had it bagged and taken away. She took off the gloves she was wearing and watched her hands for a moment. When nothing seemed to happen, she nodded and took her mask off. 

“All right,” she said to one of the retainer guys. “Get that thing back to the office. Trixie and Adagio will look at it later. Is there any of the fluid still in there?”

“We think so, ma’am.”

“Well, keep it sealed in the bag. We don’t want to risk it discharging what’s left.”

I took off my own mask. “Or anyone else getting sprayed with it.”

Aria rolled her eyes. “That too, I guess. Get going. Princess and I will clean up here.”

“Yes, ma’am.” The remaining men cleared out of the apartment. Aria walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge. She grabbed a beer and snapped off the bottle cap.

“What are you doing?” I asked. 

Aria blinked. “Oh sorry. Did you want one?”

“It’s not yours!” I protested.

Aria shrugged and sat down on the couch. 

“I thought we were meant to be cleaning up.” I folded my arms and glared at her.

“Look, the only thing we can do is open the windows and let the place air out. I’ll call a deep cleaning crew when we get back to the office to take care of the rest. We give what’s-his-face a bullshit story about having to stay out of his place for a few days while Adagio does her thing, then we return it, let him know he can come back home and everything’s cool.”

I let out a sigh of exasperation and sat next to her on the couch. “You really are an amoral… never mind.”

“You can say it. I’m an amoral bitch.” Aria swigged the beer, then looked over at me. “I’ve been called worse.”

“Oh, I’m sure,” I smirked. She gave me a look, then smirked and elbowed me in the ribs. I decided it was time to put my plan into action.

II stretched, arching my back and thrusting my chest out.“It’s nice to get out of the office, anyway. I get so tired of being cooped up in there all day.”

“Yeah,” Aria agreed, somewhat absentmindedly. I reached up to the collar of the coverall and unsnapped it.

“It’s warm in here, though. Side effect of the beanis going off, do you think?” I asked, playing with the zipper at my neck.

“Um…” Aria swallowed as she looked at me. I pretended not to notice. “Maybe. Smells a little like jalapenos in here.”

“That might explain it.” I slowly dragged the zipper down. I glanced out the corner of my eye and smiled as Aria’s eyes followed it down. The fabric parted revealing my smooth porcelain skin underneath. 

“Um…” she said. “Are you… never mind.”

“What, darling?” I asked, turning to face her. The opening of the coverall parted even further, revealing the beginning of the curve of my breasts. I looked down and feigned surprise. “Oh, I’m sorry, Aria. It’s so stuffy in here and I figured if we weren’t going back to the office for a bit, I’d take the opportunity to cool off. I can zip back up if you want.”

“No!” Aria yelped. She blushed and tried to recover. “I mean, do whatever you want. It’s cool.”

“Oh good.” I put my hands behind my head and stretched again. Aria’s eyes nearly bugged out of her head as she watched my breast strain against the fabric.

“Um…” she began. “Do you… I mean… do you normally…?”

“Go commando?” I smirked, letting her off the hook. “Not normally. But today I just felt like getting dressed was more trouble than it was worth. You don’t mind, do you, darling?”

She was bright red at this point. “No… no… I mean… it’s…”

She looked at me, confused. I returned it with my sultry smile, the same I had given her when I gave her the shoes. She frowned and pursed her lips. I shrugged, baring one shoulder. 

“Oh, fuck it,” she snapped.

The afternoon passed rather pleasantly. And afterward, she took me back to her place.





“Oh my god, that was amazing,” Aria said as she spooned me in her bed. She leaned over and kissed me. “You really did learn a lot doing porn.”

“Well, you know, one tries to spice things up during a long shoot for their partner,” I answered. “You’re quite skilled yourself. I don’t think I’ve ever had orgasms that intense in quite a while.”

This was, in fact, the truth.

“Centuries of practice,” Aria replied. “And honestly, it’s been a while for me too.”

“Really?” I rolled onto my back so I could get a better look at her. “How? You’re mesmerizing, darling. You should have a line at your door with dates.”

“Amoral bitch, remember? Not exactly attractive to most people.” She slid down and rested her head on my shoulder. “I dunno. I try to be less bitchy when I’m with someone, but I always fuck it  up somehow. I guess… I guess I’m just unlovable.”

I gasped. “Aria Blaze, you stop that talk at once. You are not unlovable. You may be prickly, snide and sarcastic, but anyone who truly cares about you will take the time to get past all that to see who you really are.”

“Like you?” Aria smirked. I returned it.

“Like me.”

She squeezed my ribs and kissed me again. “You’re full of shit, Rarity, but I like you anyway.”

“I like you, too.” 

And I meant it. 

Which is why, later that night, as she slept and I searched her apartment for any sort of clue as to what her password could be, I felt like the sleaziest member of my profession.





A few more days passed. Aria was in and out of her office frequently. Beanis Inc. had just launched the Octofussy (or rather the “Octobox,” as they had named it) and it was all hands on deck time. I was in a prime position to take advantage of all the confusion. Except I was no closer to figuring out Aria’s password... and there was one other problem. 

I no longer had the heart to break into her system. She had told me things. Things she had kept inside for who knew how long. And it had caused me to break the most important rule in the private investigator’s handbook.

Never fall for someone you’re investigating.

“Hey, princess.”

I turned from the shelves in my supply closet to see Aria in the doorway. She stepped forward and kissed me. I stiffened in surprise, but quickly returned it. 

“Well, that was enthusiastic,” I said.

“Don’t have time for anything else. I had to pull the security logs on the servers we keep the product designs on for Adagio. She’s demanding to know how the Octofussy plans got swiped.”

“Ah,” I said, hoping she didn’t detect the uncomfortable tone. 

“ARIA! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!” Adagio’s yell came from down the hall. Aria let out an exasperated sigh. 

“Duty bitches,” she sighed. She flipped through the stack of paper in her hands. “Oh shit, I’m missing the ones for April. Do me a favor, will you?”

“Anything, darling.” 

“Go to my office and print out the logs for April. I left the file open. My password is ‘H7zhk93$1.’”

My eyes widened. “A-are you sure, darling?”

“I’ll change my password later,” she replied. “I don’t have time to go back.”

“ARIA!” Adagio yelled again. Aria sighed and looked at me.

“Please? I really need the help.”

“All right,” I said. “I’ll be right there.”

“Thanks.” Aria leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek. “You’re a lifesaver.”

She left the closet, heading for the conference room, leaving me to stare after her. I shook myself out of it and made my way to her office. I logged into her computer and sure enough, the data logs were right there. I printed out the April logs then turned my attention back to the file. I paged back several months in the logs and found what I was looking for.

The Tofussy plans. 

I reached into the pocket of my coverall and pulled out a USB drive I’d been carrying since my first day. I plugged it into the computer and paused. This was it. Thirty seconds and the case would be resolved. Twilight would have the proof she needed and then…

… then Aria would be out of a job and probably get blamed for the repeated breaches of security. Which would cause who knows what sort of rifts between her and her sisters. I hesitated, my hand on the mouse. 

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out. A text had arrived. 

Where are you? I need those logs!

I looked at the text, then at the screen. Then I stood up and grabbed the logs from the printer, and made my way to the conference room. I knocked on the door and opened it. Adagio and the others looked up as I appeared.

“Aria, darling,” I said, plastering on a smile. “You dropped these in the hallway.” I put the logs on the table in front of her.

“Thanks,” Aria replied in her usual disinterested voice.

“Thank you, Rarity,” Adagio said politely but firmly. “If you don’t mind?”

“Oh, yes, of course.” I walked back to the door, caught Aria’s eye and winked. Her expression didn’t change but I saw her tap her fingers on the table. I let the door close behind me, and began making my way up the hall. 

I stopped outside Aria’s office and looked at the computer. I still had time. I could easily get the proof I needed while everyone was occupied in the meeting. 

And betray a newfound friend who had let down her walls in every sense of the word to me. 

I pounded a fist against the wall, cursing my indecisiveness. I needed a way to get Twilight’s proof without causing any blame to fall on Aria in the process. I let out an aggravated sigh and leaned up against the wall to think. 

My eyes landed on Gloriosa’s office across the way. My eyes widened as an idea hit me. I pushed away from the wall and went inside. 

Rule number one of being a private investigator: follow the money.

I moved the mouse on Gloriosa’s computer and smiled as her desktop appeared without requesting a password. Oh, Gloriosa, Aria should have your head for this. I quickly opened the accounting program and brought up the summary page.

What I saw made me very happy indeed.





“So this is all that’s left?” Adagio asked, her jaw tightening.

Across the table, Chrysalis nodded as she slid the blue backed document across the table. “As soon as you sign this, Toy-Fussy Adult Novelties becomes a wholly-owned subsidiary of Beanis, Inc.”

Twilight sat next to her, looking very pleased with herself. And why not? Once the paperwork was signed, she owned her invention again, not to mention every other product Toy-Fussy made. Knowing Twilight, it was only a matter of time before some of them became profitable concerns.

Adagio angrily signed the acquisition documents and passed them to Trixie, who was sitting on her left. She let out a small frustrated growl.

“Now, now, Adagio,” I said from where I sat next to Chrysalis. I had finally been able to forego the hideous coverall and was now back to my own frankly fabulous look. “You’re getting a pretty penny for your company. No need to be a spoilsport about it.”

"The Great and Powerful Trixie will never submit to the likes of you, Twilight Sparkle!"

Trixie got to her feet and threw her arm out dramatically. Her unnecessary (and gaudy) cape swirled behind her. "I am equal partners with Adagio and her sisters. You need to have my signature before this farce goes any further!"

"Give it a rest, Trixie," Adagio groaned. "They bought the company out from under us. We've lost."

"Trixie never surrenders! Not under any circumstances!"

"You're getting a check with a six figure amount," Chrysalis reminded. "A high six figure amount."

Trixie paused. She looked at Adagio. "Wait. Seriously?"

"Would you just once read your god damn emails?!" Adagio snapped.

Trixie glared at her then leaned over. She scribbled her name in the appropriate places, and tossed the papers back to Twilight. "Fine. Trixie will take your blood money, but mark my words, you haven't heard the last of the Great and Powerful Trixie!"

She swirled her cape again and grabbed the door knob with a flourish. It would have been a grand exit.... except Aria chose that exact moment to open the door, causing it to slam into Trixie's face. There was a collective sigh of sympathetic pain as Trixie yelped and grabbed her nose. She staggered out of the conference room, past a confused looking Aria.

"What happened to...?" Aria froze as soon as she saw me on the opposite side of the table from Adagio. We stared at each other. Her face went blank and I found myself biting the inside of my lip.

“What is it, Aria?” Adagio snapped. Aria blinked and looked away from me.

“Sonata’s trying to electrocute herself with your car battery again,” she reported. “What do you want me to do, aside from getting some air freshener so your car doesn’t smell like grilled fish?”

Adagio sighed. “Just… let her do whatever. We’re almost done here.” She glared at Twilight. “Aren’t we?”

Twilight glanced at her over the agreement. “Yes, I’d say so.” She signed the papers and looked up. “Pleasure doing business with you.”

“And here’s your checks,” Chrysalis said. She slid four cashiers checks across the table. “One for you and each of your sisters, and for Ms. Lulamoon.”

Adagio grumbled and pocketed the checks. She stood up and swept out of the room, pausing only to give us a scathing look. Aria hung back for a moment and gave me a similar look. I felt the heat rising in my face.

“Aria, I…”

Aria rolled her eyes and left. Next to me, Twilight and Chrysalis high fived. Twilight got up from her chair and hugged me.

“Thank you so much, Rarity! We couldn’t have done it without you!”

I forced down my own feelings and smiled. “Anything for you, Twilight, darling.”





I poured a glass of red, turned on some jazz and allowed myself to sink into the bubbles. I let out a sigh. Months of work had finally come to an end, and it was time to relax. As I felt the steam from the bath seep into my skin, I closed my eyes and leaned back against the edge of the tub. 

It’s rare that I feel regret after a case closes. Normally, I’m professional enough to keep my feelings out of my cases. This time, however…

It had to be done. They stole my friend’s design and launched a company on the back of her hard work. I refused to compromise my own ethics when I had the opportunity to get the evidence we needed, so alternate forms of retribution had to be dispensed. The Tofussy rights were back in Twilight’s hands, Gloriosa had been retained as the new head of Human Resources, while Starlight Glimmer stayed Beanis’s accountant, and all seemed right with the world.

So why did I feel so guilty?

I sat up and grabbed the wineglass from the rim of the tub. I began to drain it when the door to the bathroom opened. I started to scream, but sputtered when the wine went down the wrong way.

“You know, for a private eye, your home security sucks. A couple of deadbolts and a chain? Seriously?”

Aria was leaning up against the doorframe, arms folded. I dropped the wine glass and tried to submerge myself under the bubbles. She rolled her eyes.

“Please, I’ve already seen everything you’ve got.”

“What are you doing here? Revenge? Is that it? You’ve come to kill me for ruining you and your sisters’ plans to take out Beanis?” I suddenly felt a sharp chill across my nipples. I glanced down and felt my face flush. In my protests, I had risen part way out of the tub, exposing myself to the siren. I quickly sank back below the surface of the bubbles.

Aria blinked then, for my second surprise, started laughing. I’d never heard it before. It was light and airy, and completely in contrast to her usual attitude. While she laughed, I began reaching for a towel. She spotted me and yanked it out of my hand, and the others off the rack.

“Uh-uh,” she chided. “Not yet.”

She tossed the towels behind her and looked me over. The bubbles suddenly seemed too few to adequately cover myself. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and gave her my best withering glare.

“What do you want, Aria?”

Aria’s eyes narrowed. “Was it real?”

I blinked. “What?”

“What happened… with us.” She closed the lid of the toilet and sat down, fixing me with a look. “What you said. Was it real? Or was it all just part of your little act?”

“Aria,” I began. 

“I need to know!” She leaned forward, her expression dark. “I… Do you know how it feels? Knowing that the one thing you actually cared about in years was just a lie?”

“Do you?” I asked. I looked her in the eyes. “You and your sisters caused strife and misery for centuries. You nearly caused Canterlot High to tear itself apart. And even after you didn’t need to feed on hate and anger anymore, you still kept it up. How many hearts have you broken, Aria? How many times have you told that lie to someone?”

I sat up in the tub. It was starting to lose heat. It felt barely lukewarm now. 

“Did you really expect that you would never be on the receiving end of that one day?”

Aria’s face fell. She looked away from me.

“I never thought… no one ever said…” She let out an exhausted sigh and rubbed her face. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I came here.”

I reached out a hand and touched her knee. “I’m sorry too, darling.”

“For what?” The normal bitterness was back in her voice. “Running us out of business? Forcing us to start over? Ruining our lives again?”

“Yes,” I replied.

Aria looked at me. I had surprised her for a change.

“I am sorry about that, Aria. You stole something that didn’t belong to you, and if you weren’t so good at your job, maybe things could have played out differently.”

Aria snorted. “You saw our books. We’d have been out of business in six months if something didn’t change.”

“Maybe. Regardless, it had to be done, I suggested that it be done, and I helped do it.” I leaned forward, letting my arms fall, and putting both hands on her knees. “I just didn’t realize how much it would hurt you personally, and for that, darling, I’m truly, deeply sorry.”

“Why do you do that?” she asked.

“Do what?” 

“Call everybody ‘darling.’ It’s weird, and kind of snobby.”

I gave her a knowing smile. “You never noticed?”

“Noticed what?”

“I don’t call everybody ‘darling.’” I pushed myself upward, the water sloshing as I did. Aria blushed and I smiled again as she briefly glanced at my chest before meeting my eyes again. “Only those people who I like.”

I stepped out of the tub, took Aria’s hands and pulled her to her feet. She looked at me in confusion. 

“And, these days, I only do this with people I care deeply about.” I took her face in my hands, leaned forward, and kissed her. I felt her stiffen and then relax. Her hands rested on my hips and she leaned into the kiss. After a moment, we separated.

“I can’t give you your job back,” I said. “But I could use an assistant… and a roommate.”

She gave me an incredulous look. I countered with my brightest smile.

“With the option for more,” I finished. “If you want it.”

She looked at me. I looked at her. The universe stood still for an infinity or two.

“Do you snore?” she asked.

“A lady never snores,” I replied.

“So that’s a yes.” She gave me her snide grin again, and she pulled me closer to her. “I get 35 bucks an hour and a minimum of two orgasms per night.”

“I believe we can do business, Miss Blaze. But there is one last formality.”

“What’s that?” 

I reached down and began undoing her belt. “You need a bath.”