Cards Against Starlight

by Universal Librarian

First published

Cards Against Humanity meets Starlight, Trixie, Maud and Sunburst

Psyched up for her very first sleepover with her own circle of friends, Starlight Glimmer brings a human game she borrowed from Sunset Shimmer. It goes about as well as you'd expect

Sex tag is for raunchy jokes, no actual sex involved (sorry about that).

Inspired by Mythril Moth's excellent Cards Against Equestria Girls.

Edit: Featured on Equestria Daily, 14/9/18
Featured on Fimfiction, 10/9/18, and briefly with each update since!


Round 1

View Online

“Ooohh, you have no idea how much I’m looking forward to this!” Starlight gushed as she trotted through the crystal tunnels.

“Well, you haven’t talked about anything else since I got off the train so I think I’ve got a fair idea,” Sunburst quipped.

Starlight couldn’t help the small blush that crept onto her cheeks. “Oh, right, sorry.”

“It’s fine, Starlight. I’m looking forward to it too,” Sunburst said with a chuckle. “After all, this will be the first time the four of us have had a slumber party together.”

Starlight grinned as the two unicorns emerged from the tunnel into Maud’s waterfall grotto. Maud herself sat against a huge rock a little ways from her gazebo, a sumptuous picnic laid out on a blanket before her.

“Hey, I hope we’re not late,” Starlight said quickly as they approached.

Maud shook her head and responded in her usual, flat tone, “No, you’re right on time. I just finished setting up the picnic.”

Sunburst eyed the colossal spread warily. “Do you really think we can eat all of that?”

Maud looked down at the piles of food and drink; mounds of sandwiches, cake and assorted sweets interspersed with jugs of water and milk along with several bottles of fizzy apple cider gifted by Applejack. “Pinkie was really happy that I’m having my first slumber party with friends. I guess she went a little overboard.”

“Nah, this’ll be fine. Besides, anything we don’t eat now we can have for breakfast.” Starlight glanced around, raising an eyebrow. “Where is Pinkie anyway?”

“She left not long before you arrived. She’s going to look after Boulder for the night,” Maud replied.

“Oh, okay then.” Starlight shrugged. “Well, since Mud Briar was busy with that tree thingy you mentioned, I guess we’re just waiting on-”


The Great and Powerful Trixie!” The three sat and stared as the smoke bomb cleared, revealing Trixie in her trademark hat and cape striking a dramatic pose.

“You’ve been hiding behind that boulder the whole time, haven’t you?” Starlight deadpanned.

“No.” After a moment, Trixie pointed a hoof at another rock. “Trixie was standing behind that one.”

“Hello again, Trixie.” Sunburst smiled as he levitated his saddlebags off and dropped them to the floor. “Now that we’re all here, shall we get started?”

Time passed swiftly as the four sat around the blanket; eating, drinking, and bringing each other up to speed on recent events in their lives. After a while though, the conversation slowly started to wind down. As Maud finished regaling the group about a vein of biotite gneiss she’d discovered, Trixie drained her glass and yawned loudly. “Okay, so do we have anything planned for this party, or what? I’ve brought some of my fireworks if anypony wants to see a display?”

Starlight grinned and levitated a heavy book out of her saddlebags. “I actually borrowed this from Twilight, in case we wanted ideas.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow as she read the cover. “Slumber one-oh-one?”

“Oh, I’ve read that one. It’s quite an informative book for those who’ve never been to a slumber party before,” Sunburst said, stroking his beard.

Trixie just rolled her eyes. “Right. Did you bring anything else?”

Starlight gave her a frown, then levitated a small black box out of her bags. “Well, I did borrow this from Sunset Shimmer.”

“Oh, your friend from through the mirror?” Sunburst asked with interest.

Trixie leaned forward, studying the box intently. “What is it?”

“It’s a card game from the human world, but she’s modified it to fit Equestrian culture a bit better,” Starlight replied.

“We’re playing that!” Trixie demanded.

Starlight gave the box a hesitant look. “Um, I should probably tell you that Sunset gave me a warning about this game. Apparently it can get a little… extreme.”

“I don’t care, I want to play it!” Trixie exclaimed.

“Cards Against Equestria, a party game for horrible ponies,” Maud read aloud. “What does that mean?”

“Well… according to Sunset, this game is disgusting, obscene, tasteless, raunchy and absolutely hilarious,” Starlight replied with a slight blush. “She says it’s something you should only really play with your closest friends.”

“Pfft, in that case we should definitely play it,” Trixie grinned. “That way we can show the world that we have the greatest and most powerful friendship of them all!”

Starlight raised an eyebrow at her. “Yeah, no. I think that title goes to Twilight and her friends, what with the rainbow laser beam of friendship and all,” she deadpanned.

Trixie folded her forelegs with a pout. “Fine, but I still say we should play.”

“I agree with Trixie,” Maud cut suddenly. “It would be nice to have played a game that Pinkie’s never heard of for a change.”

“Sounds good to me, what about you Sunburst?” Starlight asked.

Sunburst hummed, frowning at the box. “On the one hoof, I am somewhat concerned by the warning Sunset gave you, but on the other hoof, this is a game from an alternate world. It’s so fascinating!” Finally he smiled and nodded curtly. “All right, I’m in!”

“Excellent! Okay, so here’s the rules.” Starlight opened the box and pulled out two sets of cards, shuffling them in her magic. “We each get ten of these white cards. The pony who goes first becomes the Card Princess and draws one of these black cards, then reads out either a question or a fill-in-the-blank phrase. Everypony else answers the question or fills in the blank by passing one of their cards, face-down, to the Card Princess. Are you with me so far?”

The others nodded obediently as Starlight started dealing out the white cards. “Once everypony has given the Card Princess their card, the Card Princess then shuffles the answers and reads each card combination out loud to the group. The Card Princess then picks the funniest answer, and whoever submitted it gets one point. After that, everypony draws more white cards until they’re back up to ten, the next player becomes the Card Princess, and you start over again.

“Sounds simple enough,” Sunburst said brightly. “How do we decide who wins?”

Starlight rubbed a hoof under her chin. “Sunset said it’s best to just pick a number of rounds to play for, then whoever has the most points at the end wins. Shall we see how we go with ten rounds?”

“So we each get to be the Card Princess ten times?” Maud asked.

“Yep,” Starlight confirmed with a nod.

Sunburst smiled widely. “Sounds good to me.”

“Me too, it sounds like a stand-up comedy act,” Maud added.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie shall prove her superiority using this otherworldly game of wit and humor!” Trixie declared confidently.

Starlight grinned at her. “We’ll see about that. Who’s going to go first?”

“I think Starlight should be the Card Princess first, she did bring the game after all,” Sunburst supplied. “After that we’ll just take it in turns going around the group.”

“Alright then,” Starlight replied. “In that case, let’s get started. Everpony take a look at your cards!”

There were a few moments of silence as the four picked up their cards and inspected them. Sunburst nearly choked as he read through his cards, Trixie’s eyes were popping out of their sockets, and even Maud raised her eyebrows as she sorted through hers.

“What… what is this?” Sunburst asked quietly.

“Should I be concerned? I’m concerned,” Trixie said flatly.

Starlight glanced around at each of her friends worriedly. “Are you still sure you want to play?”

Trixie threw her a haughty look. “Trixie is not going to chicken out from this.”

Sunburst rapidly shook his head. “But this is… this is obscene! How can you expect me to sit here and let a mare say some of these things!?”

“Oh you’re not getting away after saying something like that!” Starlight growled. “What about you, Maud?”

Maud looked slowly around at each of the others, then back down at her cards. “I’m playing, but only if we agree to never show this game to any of my sisters.”

“Deal! Start us off, Starlight!” Trixie cut in before Sunburst could interrupt.

“Alright, here we go.” Starlight smirked and flipped over a black card. “Fifty percent of all marriages end in blank.”

“Oh no,” Sunburst muttered.

Surprisingly, Maud was the first one to slide a card over to Starlight. Trixie hummed as she sorted through hers, trying to decide between them, until finally she shrugged and passed one over, leaving just Sunburst still frantically flicking through his.

“Come on, Sunburst, it can’t be that bad. Just throw one over,” Starlight admonished.

“Oh… but this one’s too- but then this one doesn’t make any sense!” Sunburst bit his lip anxiously. “Maybe this one…?”

The three mares let him continue like this for a few minutes, before eventually Trixie snapped. “Just hoof a card over already!”

Sunburst jumped as if electrocuted. “Oh, um, this one!”

Starlight rolled her eyes and shuffled the answers, not an easy feat when there were only three cards, and picked one out at random. “Okay, here we go! Fifty percent of all marriages end in…” She flicked the card around and raised an eyebrow, torn between amusement and disgust. “Braiding three penises into a lollipop. Nice to see that we’re off to a classy start.”

Sunburst grimaced as his brain tried to process that mental image, then firmly rejected it. “That’s… I just… what?”

Maud blinked slowly. “That’s not an easy thing to picture, but I assume it would probably be enough to end a marriage.”

“I guess it depends on who’s doing the braiding,” Trixie quipped, earning a look of shocked disgust from Sunburst.

“Pretty sure whoever does the braiding is going to get divorced,” Starlight shot. “Next one, fifty percent of all marriages end in getting really high.”

“Isn’t that how fifty percent of all marriages start?” Maud asked.

Starlight shook her head, grinning evilly. “Nah, that’s how fifty percent of foals are conceived.”

Sunburst stared from one mare to the other, a look of abject horror on his face. He seemed to be beyond the capacity for rational thought at this point.

Starlight smirked and prodded him in the side. “Come on, Sunburst. Lighten up.”

A blush crept across his cheeks as he stared down at his cards. “I’m sorry, I guess I’m just not used to ponies being so… blasé about such topics.”

“Your best friends are all reformed villains, best start getting used to it.” Starlight reached over to pat him on the shoulder.

“I’m not a reformed villain,” Maud put in. “Then again, I suppose I did unintentionally help Starlight enslave a village. Do you think that counts?”

“Eh, we’ll ask Twilight about it later, just to freak her out. Anyway, the last answer is… fifty percent of all marriages end in…” Starlight flipped the last card over. “A sassy hippogriff?”

Trixie snorted. “Oh, wow, that’s lame!”

“I don’t know, I’ve noticed Silverstream getting more than a few looks from the colts at Twilight’s school.” Starlight frowned as she inspected the three answers before her, then shrugged. “Who had the lollipop braiding?”

“That would be Trixie,” Trixie said smugly.

Starlight smirked and tossed her the card. “Congratulations, you win the first point.”

“Naturally, and now it is Trixie’s turn to judge you all as the Card Princess!” Trixie dealt a white card each to herself, Maud and Sunburst. After a moment of inspecting their new cards she cleared her throat and drew a black card. “Trixie gets by with a little help from blank.”

“Oh, this is going to be good,” Starlight muttered.

“Do your worst,” Trixie countered with a smirk. After a minute or so of checking their cards, and cajoling Sunburst into picking one, three answers sat in front of Trixie, who drew herself up impressively as she selected the first card. “Very well, the Great and Powerful Trixie gets by with…” Trixie flipped over the card and the smile slid from her face in an instant. “Daddy issues,” she deadpanned.

Starlight snorted with laughter at the blank look on her face.

“Hey, so does Starlight! No wonder you two get along so well,” Sunburst quipped, killing the laughter instantly and earning a scorching glare instead.

“Next answer,” Trixie huffed. “Trixie gets by with a little help from…” She flipped over the next card and her eye started to twitch. “My collection of Neighponese sex toys.”

Maud smiled slightly as Starlight howled at that one. Even Sunburst couldn’t restrain an awkward giggle, though he looked mortified at his own amusement immediately afterwards. Trixie ignored them and said in a flat voice, “And finally, I get by with a little help from…” She arched an eyebrow as she read the last card, bewilderment etched across her face. “A pangender octopus who roams the cosmos in search of love?”

“Is that a friend of Discord’s?” Maud asked, earning a renewed chuckle from Starlight.

Sunburst gave a small, smug smile. “That one wasn’t so lame now was it?” The three mares stared at him in surprise. “What, I thought it was funny?”

“I suppose it was, in some small way,” Trixie admitted. “But I think the Neighponese sex toys were better, who had those?”

“I don’t have any, but it was my card,” Maud replied.

Trixie’s jaw dropped as Maud casually scooped up the black card and dropped it next to her. “I thought for sure that it was Starlight’s card!”

“I wish. What makes you think that?” Starlight asked.

Trixie frowned at her as if she’d just said something ridiculous. “Well, duh, you’re the only other ex-villain here. I thought Maud was frigid and innocent like Sunburst!”

“Hey!” Sunburst and Starlight exclaimed in unison.

“I do have a colt-friend, you know.” Maud dealt out white cards and picked up a question card. “Anyway, it’s my turn now. In the Canterlot Dungeons, word is you can trade two hundred cigarettes for blank.”

There was a brief shuffling as the others sifted through their cards.

“Meh, this is the only one I have that makes any sense,” Starlight sighed as she tossed a card over, swiftly followed by Trixie.

Sunburst was still flicking through his cards anxiously.

“Come on Sunburst, you don’t have to put too much thought into this,” Starlight said softly. “Just pick any card that makes sense, or even one that doesn’t if it’ll be funny.”

Sunburst separated one card in his magic, staring at it as if it was toxic. “Well, the only one I have that makes sense is this one, but I couldn’t possibly force a mare to say something like this.”


“Wha- no!” Sunburst made a desperate lunge for the card as Starlight yanked it out of his magic with her own and tossed it to Maud. “Maud, please, just let me pick ano… ther…”

Sunburst trailed off as Maud grabbed the card, neatly slotted it between the other two, then started shifting and shuffling them at a speed nopony could have imagined that she possessed, her hooves moving so fast they were a blur.

“Sorry, but I don’t know which one is yours now.” Maud selected a card at random and held it up. “In the Canterlot Dungeons, word is you can trade two hundred cigarettes for… bubble butt bottom boys.”

“Wow, okay. Sunburst, I didn’t know you swung that way,” Starlight said appreciatively.

“That wasn’t my card!” He barked.

Ignoring the others, Maud picked up the second card. “In the Canterlot Dungeons, word is you can trade two hundred cigarettes for…” Her nose seemed to crease for an instant, then she looked up and fixed Sunburst with an odd look. “A posh wank.”

Starlight and Trixie burst into hysterics as Sunburst blushed so quickly and so deeply he suddenly bore a startling resemblance to Big Mac. A scrawny, weedy version of Big Mac, perhaps, but Big Mac nonetheless.

“How… how do you… even have a posh wank?” Trixie gasped.

“I don’t know, ask Sunburst!” Starlight spat, tears of mirth streaming down her face. “It’s the only kind he’s ever had!”

“I… what… how do you…” Sunburst babbled, indignation and shame scrambling his thought process.

Maud suddenly made a hook with her hoof and started pumping it in a very inappropriate manner between her hind legs. “Oh, I say,” she said in her usual deadpan voice.

That was enough to break the other mares. Starlight and Trixie both flopped onto their backs, roaring with laughter as they cried. Whether that was from the bizarre image of Maud pretending to have a posh wank, or just because their sides hurt too much, nopony would ever know.

Sunburst, for his part, didn’t respond. His embarrassment had knocked his brain far beyond the capacity for rational thought by now.

Maud patiently waited for the mares to get themselves under control before she flipped over the last card. “In the Canterlot Dungeons, word is you can trade two hundred cigarettes for… meth.”

“Eh, probably,” Trixie giggled, wiping away a tear.

“Well, you would know,” Starlight shot.

Trixie threw her an evil grin. “You’d know more about it than Trixie, didn’t you use it to enslave a whole village?”

“Only on Mondays,” Starlight chuckled. “So, who wins that round?”

“Much as Trixie hates to admit it, the posh wank was by far the superior answer,” Trixie admitted.

Maud nodded in agreement and made to hoof the card over to Sunburst, but he was still in some sort of shame-induced coma.

Glancing around, Starlight picked up a jug of water and threw the contents in his face. Once he’d finished spluttering, Maud pushed the card over to him. “Here, you won that round. Now it’s your turn.”

Still somewhat dazed, Sunburst took the card and stared at it as the others dealt out new answers. “Right, my turn. Right.” He took a moment to shake the water out of his mane and clear his throat, then picked up a question card. Voice trembling, he read it out slowly. “What did I bring back from Mexicolt?”

A few moments later, after some grumbling about the cards, three answers sat in front of him. “What did I bring back from Mexicolt?” Gingerly lifting the first one in his magic, Sunburst gave a little sigh of relief as he read it out, “Bananas.”

“Do bananas even grow in Mexicolt?” Starlight asked.

“Who cares! I like that answer! Next one, what did I bring back from Mexicolt?” Sunburst eagerly flipped the next one over, and regretted it instantly. “AIDS.” He turned a half-lidded stare on the mares as they giggled. “Nice.”

“That’s what happens when you mess with dirty mares and guacamole,” Trixie quipped.

“Speaking from experience?” Starlight asked.

“Pretty sure she’d be dead by now if she was,” Maud replied.

Anyway,” Sunburst cut in. “Last card. What did I bring back from Mexicolt?” He picked up the last card, then sighed. “Do I really have to say this?”

“Say it!” Trixie urged with a twisted leer on her face.

“No prizes for guessing whose card this is,” Starlight muttered.

With the air of a pony who just wants to get things over and done with, Sunburst read out, “A fuck-tonne of almonds.”

Trixie grinned widely. “Haha! The Great and Powerful Trixie has successfully gotten Sunburst to swear! All shall bow befo-ow!”

Her grandstanding was cut off as Sunburst flicked the card at her in his magic, catching her right between the eyes. “There you go, your reward.” He sighed heavily. “Alright, that’s this round over, Trixie’s in the lead, and Equestria is doomed if this sick game ever leaves this grotto.”

“Probably,” Starlight admitted. “But we still have nine rounds left, are you up for it?”

Sunburst mulled it over for a moment, then he stomped his hooves, determination lining his features. “You know what? Yes, yes I am. You fillies are going down.”

Starlight cracked a grin. “Alright, Sunburst is finally fired up!” Her horn lit up as she started topping up everypony’s cards. “Ready for round 2?”

Round 2

View Online

“Do we swap cards, or do we keep the ones we have?” Maud asked.

“Pretty sure we keep the same cards,” Starlight replied, “Everypony ready?” As the others nodded she smiled and flipped over a black card, “Oh boy, here we go. As the mom of five rambunctious colts, I’m no stranger to blank.”

Surprisingly it was Sunburst who put an answer in front of her first, while Trixie and Maud spent a few moments mulling over which one to pick. Once all three answers were ready she shuffled them and picked up the first.

“Okay, as the mom of five rambunctious colts, I’m no stranger to selling crack to foals.”

“Your own or others?” Trixie quipped.

“I wouldn’t sell crack to my own foals!” Starlight shot.

Sunburst raised an eyebrow at that, “You shouldn’t really sell crack to any foals.”

“Or any ponies at all, for that matter,” Maud added.

“Next card!” Starlight said loudly before anyone else could interrupt, “As the mom of five rambunctious colts, I’m no stranger to…” She snorted as she flipped the next card over, “Solving problems with violence.”

“That has… disturbing implications.” Sunburst said slowly.

“It also describes Starlight perfectly,” Trixie cut in, then she yelped as Starlight swatted her upside the head with a quesadilla, “You only serve to prove Trixie’s point!”

Maud frowned as she stared at the cheesy lump gripped in Starlight’s magic, “I don’t remember Pinkie bringing any of those.”

“I brought some,” Starlight replied, “I can’t eat them around the castle since Twilight’s terrified of them.”

“Wha- you could have told me that before I brought some with me last time, she threw Fluttershy at me for Celestia’s sake!” Trixie snapped.

“True, but that wouldn’t have been as funny,” Starlight said brightly, “Anyway, last card. As the mom of five rambunctious colts, I’m no stranger to…” Her eyes widened as she looked at the last card, then she smiled slightly and leaned forward, speaking in a sultry voice, “Looking in the mirror, applying lipstick, and whispering ‘tonight, you will have sex with Fancy Pants.”

“Is that how you ended up with five colts?” Trixie grinned.

“Not likely, Fancy Pants has standards,” Sunburst said casually, ignoring the scandalized spluttering coming from the other end of the picnic.

“Are they always like this with each other?” Maud asked, even more slowly than usual.

Trixie just shrugged, “Trixie thinks it’s some sort of bizarre mating ritual they have.”

Maud nodded sagely, “Boulder gets like that sometimes.” As Trixie’s brain stalled, she glanced over at Starlight, “So who wins that round?”

“Fancy Pants,” Starlight said softly, a bright smile plastered across her face that in no way matched the aura of pure menace radiating out of her.

“Ah, that was mine!” Sunburst piped up, snatching up the card before Starlight could hurl it at him. Or through him.

“And now it’s Trixie’s turn.” Trixie said, still glancing sidelong at Maud, “Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative properties of blank.”

Starlight floated a card over almost instantly, followed swiftly by Maud. Sunburst spent a little while flicking through his, before he shrugged and passed one over too. After a quick shuffle Trixie pulled out the first card with a flourish.

“Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative properties of… tentacle porn.”

“Oh, I like where this is going!” Starlight giggled.

“As does Trixie,” Taking a peek at the next card, Trixie smirked and took a deep breath, “Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative properties of…” she rose onto her back legs, throwing her forelegs out to the side as fireworks and sparklers flashed and crackled out behind her, “The Great and Powerful Trixie’s bright pink fuckhole!”

Starlight and Sunburst collapsed to the floor in hysterics, and even Maud managed half a smirk, “I’m pretty sure your fuckhole’s blue, Trix,”

“Not after all that tentacle porn!” Starlight gasped.

“Thank you, thank you, Trixie appreciates your adoration.” Trixie took a bow, preening herself as the other unicorns got themselves under control, “And now, for the last card! Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative properties of… being a motherfucking sorcerer!”

The two other unicorns cheered at that one.

“Whose mother did you fuck?” Maud asked.

“The mother of those five rambunctious colts, obviously.”

“Right in my bright pink fuckhole!” Starlight piped up.

“While reading tentacle porn,” Sunburst added.

The three unicorns slumped over the picnic, laughing in an only slightly insane manner, while Maud held a hoof in front of her face to hide what could almost be described as an actual smile.

Gathering herself together, Trixie levitated a card, “Who had the pink fuckhole?”

Starlight just held up a hoof, giggling like an idiot.

As she floated the card over, Trixie flicked her hair and sighed dramatically, “Alas, the Pure and Unsullied Trixie does not actually have any tentacle porn.”

Still chuckling, Starlight glanced over at her, “You mean you haven’t seen those books in the castle?”

“Wait, what?”

“Oh, look at that! It’s Maud’s turn!” Starlight said quickly, dealing out the cards for her.

Ignoring the deeply concerned look on Trixie’s face, Maud picked up her black card and gave it a confused look of her own, “This one has two blank spaces.”

“Oh, right. With those ones we each pick two cards and give them to the Card Princess in the order they’re supposed to be read in,” Starlight clarified, “Of course, that means we’ll each know exactly whose those answers are.”

“Oh, okay,” Maud nodded, “In that case, why don’t you each just read out your own answers?” The others glanced at each other for a moment, then shrugged and nodded to her, “I never truly understood blank until I encountered blank.”

Maud fully expected the answers for that to be traumatizing. What she didn’t expect was for the three unicorns to sit and stare at their cards, grumbling audibly.

“Eh, screw it,” Starlight said suddenly, “I never truly understood inappropriate yodeling until I encountered holding down a colt and farting all over him.”

She blushed as the others turned to her in surprise.

“What the shit Starlight!?” Trixie shot.

“Let’s see you do better!”

“Gladly,” Trixie drew herself up and cleared her throat, “The Great and Powerful Trixie never truly understood unfathomable stupidity until she encountered Nightmare Moon herself!”

Dead silence.

“Um, Trixie?” Starlight muttered, warily glanced up at the shadows in the ceiling which suddenly seemed a whole lot more ominous.

“Please don’t try and get my home cursed,” Maud deadpanned.

“There’s no such thing as curses,” Sunburst supplied, though he too was sneaking peeks upwards, “Then again I also used to believe that there was no such thing as Nightmare Moon so…”

“You do realise you’re going to have some hardcore nightmares tonight, right?” Starlight asked.

Trixie rolled her eyes, “Oh please, stop being such babies. Come on Sunburst, what’s yours?”

Sunburst gave the ceiling one last wary look, “Er, right. I never truly understood not giving a shit about homeless griffons until I encountered hospice care.”

Starlight groaned and pressed a hoof to her forehead.

Sunburst raised an eyebrow at her, “What’s wrong? That’s hardly the worst thing any of us have said so far.”

“I know, I know. It’s just…” Starlight groaned again, “Gallus has been secretly coming to my office a lot recently. He’s still bothered about the fact that he used to be homeless.”

The four friends just sat there for a moment, staring at the floor.

“Well that turn was fucking depressing,” Trixie said flatly.

Maud shoved the card over to Starlight, “Here, you win that one for not being depressing or scary.”

“And it’s my turn,” Sunburst sighed, “Blank. That was so metal.”

There was a brief pause as three answers were passed over.

“Okay, number one. Autocannibalism. That was so metal.” Sunburst raised an eyebrow, “If we have another turn like the last one I think eating myself might be a good idea.”

“I wish I could eat myself,” Starlight sighed.

“Don’t we all?” Trixie asked.

Maud shook her head, “Not really, I’ve got Mud Briar and Boulder for that.”

“Boulder!?” Starlight and Trixie squawked in unison.

Sunburst just shrugged and glanced at the next card. Not for the first time he found himself regretting moving on with the game, “Oh for the… you mares need professional help.”

“Obviously,” Starlight deadpanned, “But why this time?”

In answer he held up the card, “Kissing granny on the forehead and turning off her life support. That was so metal.”

Starlight chuckled nervously and looked away.

Sunburst glared at her for a moment, then flipped over the last card, “Gay conversion therapy. That was so metal.”

“Wow, these last couple of turns have been a mess,” Starlight said quietly.

Trixie nodded, “Trixie agrees, it’s almost like being on the road with you again.”

“Oh screw you.”

“Hmm, maybe later.” Trixie smirked.

“Not if the gay conversion therapy works!” Sunburst chimed in, "Which wins, by the way. Who had that one?"

"Trixie did."

“Is that even still a thing?” Starlight asked.

Trixie just shrugged and picked up a cupcake, “Meh, who cares? Let’s just get on with round three.”

Round 3

View Online

Starlight rolled her shoulders as she dealt out the cards for the next round, “Okay, let’s see if we can make this round a little less depressing.”

“Or less traumatizing,” Sunburst muttered.

Ignoring him, Starlight flicked over a black card. The wide grin she cracked did nothing to reassure the others, “Here we go Trixie, this one was made for you."

“Oooo, do tell,” Trixie crooned.

“For my next trick, I will pull blank out of blank,” Starlight smirked, tapping a hoof under her chin, “In fact, this turn I want all of you to read out your own answers, Trixie style!”

Maud almost raised an eyebrow, “Including the ridiculous titles?”

“Including your own, ridiculous, made-up titles,” Starlight confirmed, struggling not to laugh as Trixie tried her level best to vaporize the two of them with a glare.

After a few moments, the three were ready with their answers.

“Hmph, Trixie supposes she must show the rest of you mere fillies what true showmanship is!” Tossing her mane, Trixie stood as she held up her cards in her magic, “For her next trick, the Unique and Unappreciated Trixie shall pull-”


“Penis envy out of erectile dysfunction!” Trixie cried as she reappeared next to Sunburst, gesturing at his nether regions.

“Hey!” He blushed furiously and threw his hooves over his crotch as Starlight giggled.

“My turn,” Maud stood and held a hoof to her chest, “For my next trick, the Sweet and Seductive Maud will pull Songbird Serenade out of my fat daughter.”

Sunburst’s jaw dropped as Starlight and Trixie cackled like maniacs.

“Wait, wait, wait. So you’re saying your daughter ate Songbird Serenade?” Sunburst asked.

“Either that or Songbird has a strap-on and a food fetish!” Starlight shot, prompting a renewed squeal of laughter from Trixie.

Stifling his own giggles, Sunburst drew himself up, “And finally, for my next trick, the Hung and Traumatized Sunburst will pull ecstasy out of breezies!”

“Is that how they actually make it?” Maud asked.

“Why, do you want some?” Trixie smirked.

Sunburst tilted his head as he stared at Maud, “I’m not really sure I can picture what Maud would be like on ecstasy.”

“That’s easy, it’s Pinkie with a firmer rump,” Starlight clarified, then blushed as Maud turned to her, one eyebrow ever-so-slightly arched, “Anywaaaay… I, uh, I think Maud wins that one.”

“Wow, nicely done Maud! You out-Trixied Trixie!” Sunburst beamed at her.

“Impossible! The Great and Powerful Trixie refuses to be upstaged by a rock farmer!”

Starlight just shrugged, “Sorry, Trix, she had a funnier answer.”

“And a firmer rump.” Maud added.

Trixie sighed heavily, “Fine, whatever. Trixie is still in the lead.” She quickly dealt out the cards and picked up a black one, “Coming to Bridleway this year, blank: The Musical.”

Maud’s answer was in front of Trixie so quickly she could have sworn the earth pony had managed to teleport it somehow. A minute later the other two had added their answers to the pile. Shuffling the cards, Trixie pulled out the first one, “Coming to Bridleway this year…” She snorted as she read the answer, then collapsed in a fit of hysterical laughter.

“What? What does it say?” Starlight asked eagerly.

“Blow… Snrk… Blowing My Colt-friend So Hard He Shits: The Musical!”

Trixie was soon joined on the floor by Starlight, both rolling around in hysterics as Sunburst tried to cover both his blush and his giggles. Maud, however, ever the classy comedian, stuffed a hoof in her mouth and started pumping it in a very inappropriate manner. If the sight of their deadpan friend rhythmically blowing her own hoof wasn’t enough to throw the others into a fit of hysteria, the horrific, rippling fart sound she unleashed at the end certainly did the trick.

Both the game and the picnic were postponed for several minutes as the crystal grotto rang with the mad laughter of three demented ponies.

“Oh wow,” Trixie sighed, finally bringing herself under control.

“I think… Maud… wins this round,” Starlight gasped, “Purely for that… demonstration.”

“We’ve still got two answers left,” Trixie replied, though without much conviction. Hauling herself back into a sitting position, she glanced over at Maud, “By the way, was that your face or your ass?”

“Do we really want to know?” Sunburst asked.

Starlight made a show of sniffing deeply, “I’m guessing it was her face.”

Sunburst threw her a disgusted look, then shook his head, “Can we just have the next answer please?”

“Uh, yeah,” Trixie replied, giving Starlight an odd look of her own, “Coming to Bridleway this year, Bisexuality: The Musical.”

“Doesn’t that describe pretty much every musical?” Maud asked.

“Probably,” Trixie giggled, “And last we have…” She flipped over the last card, frowned at it for a moment, then shrugged and read out, “Coming to Bridleway this year, Just Touching Hoity Toity’s Hair: The Musical.”

Starlight snorted, “Yeah, no. First one wins.”

“Definitely,” Trixie agreed, “So who blew their colt-friend so hard he shat?”

“That only happened one time,” Maud replied as she held up a hoof.

Dead silence followed that little proclamation.

“You… actually managed to make somepony’s ass explode with a blowjob?” Starlight asked as she floated the card over to Maud.

Maud just shrugged and added the card to her little pile, “He had a bad stomach. In retrospect, I probably should have gone easier on him, but I’d found an Iridium deposit and I got a little over-excited.”

Starlight grimaced and shook her head, “Oh sweet Celestia there’s a mental image for you.”

“I’m honestly not sure if I should be horny or horrified,” Sunburst said sheepishly.

“Ugh… no… Trixie’s… gonna…” Her cheeks bulging, Trixie barely managed to dart behind a nearby rock before hurling her guts up.

Maud watched impassively as the magician’s stomach made it’s displeasure violently known, “I’d appreciate if somepony cleaned that up before you all leave.”

“It’s fine Maud, I’ll sort it out later,” Sunburst replied.

Starlight glanced at him in surprise, “Really? I’d have thought you’d be the last pony who could handle puke.”

Sunburst just sighed and rolled his eyes, “Yeah, well once you’ve had an Alicorn projectile vomit all over you, you kinda get used to it.”

“Oh, right, yeah. I bet Flurry does that sort of thing all the time,” Starlight nodded sagely.

“Flurry?” Sunburst frowned for a moment, “Oh, right! Yes! Flurry. Sure let’s go with that.”

Before anypony could respond to that Trixie ambled from behind the boulder, still looking a little green, “I’m never going to be able to look Mud Briar in the face after this. Okay, Maud, it’s your turn.”

“Got it,” Maud dealt the white cards out with a practiced hoof, then flipped over a question, “This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but with blank.”

There was plenty of rustling and mumbling as the three unicorns flicked through their cards, but soon enough three answers lay face down in front of Maud.

After a quick shuffle she picked one out at random, “This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but with a fart so powerful it wakes the dragons from their hundred-year slumber.”

“Nice, it’s good to see such sophisticated humor in this round,” Starlight chuckled.

Sunburst tapped a hoof on his chin thoughtfully, “I wonder if it’s actually possible to wake a dragon with powerful flatulence?”

“I suppose we could always ask Twilight if the Royal Canterlot Voice works from both ends?” Starlight suggested, “Either that or just get Maud to blow somepony.”

Maud rolled her eyes, “I told you that only happened once.”

“Trixie wishes you all painful deaths,” Trixie said flatly, turning green again and massaging her belly.

“Awww, we love you too Trix,” Starlight cooed.

“Bite me. What’s the next answer?”

“This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but with…” Maud flipped the next card over and stared at it for a moment. She looked slowly around at each of the others before reading out, “Lactation.”

The others snorted at that.

“So Armageddon is going to be caused by somepony’s teats?” Sunburst asked.

Starlight shrugged, “Well, most ponies only lactate if they’re pregnant so…”

“Oh wow, can you imagine if Princess Celestia got knocked up?” Trixie giggled, “No wait! Princess Luna!”

Sunburst frowned at her, “You know, if you keep mocking Luna like that she’s going to turn up in your nightmares.”

“Oh please, the Great and Powerful Trixie does not have nightmares.”

“Keep telling yourself that Trixie,” Maud muttered, “Last one. This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but with some peace and bloody quiet.”

Sunburst tilted his head as he pondered that one, “That’s… oddly poetic.”

“And entirely impossible as long as Pinkie is still around,” Maud added, “She’s actually got an ‘End of Days’ party planned already, just in case.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Starlight said as she rolled her eyes, “So who wins that round?”

Maud folded her forelegs as she thought, “I think the über-fart wins this one, who had that one?”

“Trixie did,” Trixie said smugly.

“Oh hey! That puts you back in the lead Trix!” Starlight said brightly.

“What do you mean, back in the lead?”

“Maud caught up to you in the last round,” Sunburst supplied.

Trixie turned to narrow her eyes at the earth pony, “I’m watching you.”

Maud glanced at Trixie, then down at her own flank, “Are you trying to stare at my rump too?”

Trixie spluttered at that, “I… you… but… argh! Sunburst will you please just pick the next question already!”

“Oh, uh, okay!” He couldn’t restrain a small smirk at Trixie’s incessant screeching, “Here we go. Fillies, I don’t need drugs to get high, I’m high on blank.”

There was much muttering as the three mares checked their cards, mostly along the lines of ‘crappy cards’. Eventually they each shoved a card over to Sunburst.

“Okay, last turn. Fillies, I don’t need drugs to get high, I’m high on being a mare,” Sunburst raised an eyebrow and glanced down at his crotch, “Really? You’d think I’d have noticed.” The others tittered as he flipped over the next answer, “Fillies, I don’t need drugs to get high, I’m high on yeast.”

“Yeast infections, woo,” Maud deadpanned, pumping a hoof in the air and earning a reluctant giggle.

“And finally, fillies, I don’t need drugs to get high, I’m high on the arrival of the pizza.” Sunburst grinned at the last one, “Pizza wins, pizza always wins.”

“And so do I,” Maud piped up, turning to stare at Trixie, “That means we’re tied again.”

Trixie returned her look with an evil grin, “Trixie is going to enjoy crushing you. Next round!”

Round 4

View Online

Starlight smirked as she dealt cards out to everypony while watching Trixie and Maud glare at each other. Or rather, Trixie was glaring and Maud was just… sort of… staring.

“So… are you going to make out or should I get the next question ready?”

“Why not both?” Sunburst asked.

“Get the card so Trixie can reclaim her rightful place on top,” Trixie shot. Maud raised an eyebrow with all the haste of a glacier, eliciting a small blush from the magician, “You know what Trixie meant! Just read the stupid question already!”

Starlight giggled and pulled a black card out with a flourish, “Okay, here we go. Mate, do not go in that bathroom. There’s blank in there.”

“Mud Briar post-blowjob?” Trixie quipped.

Sunburst couldn’t restrain a snort, “Sorry, Maud. I don’t think you’re going to live that one down.”

“I will eventually,” Maud said slowly, “I just have to outlive the three of you.”

The three unicorns shared a concerned look at that.

Starlight smiled awkwardly. “Okaaay. Moving swiftly on, why don’t you all pass over your answers.”

That was apparently easier said than done, as it was several minutes before all of the answers were plonked down in front of Starlight.

“Going by the looks on your faces I’m guessing you’ve all got crap cards, so let’s just get this over with,” Starlight said as she flipped over the first one, “And speaking of crap… Mate, do not go in that bathroom, there’s a salad for stallions that’s made of metal in there.”

“…Trixie wishes she could mock it, but Trixie’s card is just as awful.”

“I’ll take your word for it. Mate, do not go in that bathroom, there’s self-loathing in there.”

“Okay maybe not that awful.”

“And lastly… Mate, do not go in that bathroom, there’s amputees in there.”

The four ponies just sat in awkward silence for a moment.

“Well that was terrible,” Sunburst said flatly.

“Agreed,” Starlight gave a half-lidded stare as she levitated one of the answers, “The metal salad wins, by sheer dint of being the least fucked up. Who had that one?”

Maud raised a hoof.

Starlight flicked the card over, “Okay, Trix, your turn.”

Trixie nodded and swept up a question, “Here is the church, here is the steeple, open the doors and there is… blank.”

“This might be a little more interesting than the last turn,” Sunburst grinned and passed an answer over, swiftly followed by the other two.

Eyeing Sunburst warily, Trixie picked up the first card and snorted, “Here is the church, here is the steeple, open the doors and there is a little colt who won’t shut the fuck up about dinosaurs.”

“Sunburst? What are you doing in a church?” Starlight quipped.

“Getting some peace and quiet, it’s the only place you can’t follow without bursting into flames,” he shot back, earning a glare from Starlight and a giggle from Trixie as she flipped over the next answer.

“Here is the church, here is the steeple, open the doors and there is… radical draconic terrorism?”

“So… guerrilla pillow stealing?” Maud asked.

“Or throwing baths out of windows…” Trixie added slyly.

Starlight squashed the cupcake she’d been about to pick up, glaring at the mess as if it had grievously insulted her and muttering furiously, “I swear if Twilight hadn’t stopped me I would have blasted that over-sized turd into the middle of next week. Stupid, lazy, thieving old thundercun-”

“A-anyway, last answer!” Trixie cut in quickly, “Here is the church, here is the steeple, open the doors and there is… uh…” Trixie raised an eyebrow as she looked at the last card, “The miracle of childbirth.”

Sunburst stared blankly at her, “Who would want to give birth in a church?”

“My parents decided to do that with Limestone, they thought Celestia would bless their firstborn with a sunny disposition if they did,” Maud said slowly, “They stuck with home-births for the rest of us.”

“Was it a normal birth for Pinkie or was it more of a flap-cannon?” Starlight asked, getting a disgusted look from Sunburst.

Trixie raised an eyebrow, “You mean like, ready… aim… fire?”

“And out flies a shit-load of confetti and a fluffy pink cannonball.”

“That gives me an idea for my show…”

“Don’t go getting knocked up just for an act, Trixie.”

“No no, Trixie was thinking more along the lines of her assistant-”

“Fuck. Off.”

Sunburst groaned and stuck his head in his hooves, “You’re sick, you’re both sick.” He declined to mention the image running through his mind of a doctor with a catcher’s mitt preparing to grab said pink cannonbaby.

Maud, for her part, just shuddered, trying desperately to keep any image of her sister’s birth out of her mind, “Can we please stop talking about anything that involves my mother’s vagina before I get irreparably traumatized? Who won that round?”

Trixie hummed and flicked through the answers again, “The little colt with the dinosaurs.”

“That was mine,” Sunburst said weakly, “Is it just me or has this game taken a trip towards weirdsville?”

“With a stop-off at the vile village,” Maud nodded as she dealt out the cards, “My turn, let’s try not to be so disgusting on this one.”

“No promises,” Starlight grinned.

Maud just rolled her eyes, “I’m sorry, Sir, but I couldn’t complete my homework because of blank.”

There was a brief shuffling of cards, and shortly three answers sat in front of the lone earth pony. Her lips almost twitched as she looked at the first one.

“I’m sorry, Sir, but I couldn’t complete my homework because of the gays.”

The other three burst into laughter at that one.

“They’re just so much fun to watch!” Starlight giggled.

“Is that how you passed the time at your old village?” Sunburst asked.

Trixie snorted into her cup, “What, you think she ordered stallions to pair up and churn the butter for her amusement?”

Starlight looked away, laughing awkwardly, “I never ordered them to…”

Trixie and Sunburst both blushed furiously, and even Maud raised her eyebrows.

“Oh… wow…” Trixie muttered.

Sunburst shifted uncomfortably, “You… uh… you never happened to be a member of the Canterlot After-Dark Circuit… did you?”

Starlight just looked at him blankly, “The what?”

“N-never mind! Next question!”

Despite her own curiosity, Maud obligingly flipped the next answer over, “I’m sorry, Sir, but I couldn’t complete my homework because of… teenage pregnancy.”

Trixie nodded, “Trixie thinks that would be a good reason.”

“Unless it was doing their homework that got them into trouble,” Starlight smirked and leaned forward, her voice taking on a sultry edge, “Who wants to study some… biology?” She burst into giggles as the others threw various food products at her, “Oh come on, that was funny!”

“So is cheese-based assault,” Sunburst narrowed his eyes at her as he levitated a random quesadilla, “Hold still.”

“Don’t start that again, you two,” Maud deadpanned as Starlight raised her own edible weaponry, “Last one. I’m sorry, Sir, but I couldn’t complete my homework because of… Cards Against Equestria.”

“Nopony who has homework would be anywhere near old enough to play this game,” Trixie said flatly.

Starlight raised an eyebrow, “Have you even seen some of Twilight’s students?”

“I though most of them were roughly teenaged?” Sunburst asked in surprise, “I know she’s got a least a couple of fillies there. What about that one I heard about recently, Cozy Gl-”


Sunburst shrank away from the suddenly seething Starlight, unable to tear his gaze from the crimson glow of utter wrath burning in her eyes.

“Trixie thinks you probably shouldn’t talk about that one, she’s a little sensitive over what happened,” Trixie stage-whispered.



There was a roar of unfettered fury from a certain unicorn-shaped hell-beast, then a flash of light as the demented former slave master teleported away. Moments later a colossal blast shook the cave, causing dust and grit to trickle down from the ceiling.

The remaining two unicorns could only stare in mute terror as Starlight casually trotted back into the cave and resumed her place at the picnic, a thin wisp of smoke rising from the tip of her horn.

“…better?” Sunburst asked cautiously.

Starlight smiled and nodded, “Much.”

“Thanks for doing that outside,” Maud added.

“No problem. Who won that one?"

Maud glanced at the answers, "Who had the teenage pregnancy?"

Trixie shakily raised a hoof, too shocked to comment even on such an easy innuendo.

Starlight just nodded again, "Sunburst? I think it’s your turn.”

“Er, right,” Sunburst glanced warily at her still-smoking horn as he picked up the last question of the round, “When I am the ruler of Equestria, I will create the Ministry of blank.”

Trixie smirked at Starlight, “Is this still the game, or one your old to-do lists?”

“Let’s not test her blood pressure just yet!” Sunburst said quickly.

Starlight just chuckled and waved a hoof, “It’s fine Sunburst, I just needed to vent my anger a little. I’m fine now. Besides, Princess Luna made sure to put that silly little filly right where she belongs.”

“All of those stories you write about hate-fucking her when she’s old enough probably help too,” Trixie shot.

Starlight just shrugged, “If it helped Twilight deal with her issues about you, why wouldn’t it work for me?”


“You really haven’t seen the books in the castle have you?”

Trixie just stared at her blankly.

“Anywaaay,” Sunburst said slowly, “Why don’t you all just pass your answers to me and we can get this round over with.”

A few moments later all three answers were sat in front of him.

“Okay. When I am the ruler of Equestria, I will create the Ministry of…” Sunburst blinked as he read the first answer, “Becoming a blueberry.”

“Trixie just wanted to get rid of that card.”

With a little frown Sunburst tossed the answer aside and grabbed the next one, “When I am the ruler of Equestria, I will create the Ministry of Catapults.”

“Don’t we all ready have one of those?” Starlight asked.

“Probably,” Sunburst sighed and flipped over the last answer, then choked as he read it, “Oh for the- that is just wrong!”

Starlight couldn’t resist a smirk, “Read it out, Sunburst.”

Sunburst just rolled his eyes and read out in a flat voice, “When I am the ruler of Equestria, I will create the Ministry of itchy pussy.”

Trixie and Starlight both burst into a fit of giggles at that one.

“Here, have an itchy pussy,” Sunburst flicked the card at Starlight, “I don’t know about you mares, but I could do with a break after that round.”

“Trixie thinks that is a good idea.”

“Really? I thought you’d be desperate to continue,” Starlight said.


“You’re still tied with Maud.”


Round 5

View Online

After a short break so the group could eat without either hurling it back up or running the risk of laughter-induced choking, the four picked their cards back up and prepared to resume the game.

“Is everypony ready to violate their sanity a little more?” Starlight asked.

“What sanity?” Sunburst muttered under his breath.

Trixie snorted, “Sanity is over-rated, now stop complaining. Trixie has a game to win.”

Try and win,” Maud shot.

Grinning at Trixie’s scowl, Starlight pulled out the first question of the round “What’s there a ton of in heaven?”

There was a brief rustling of cards before three answers were pushed over to her.

Flipping over the first one, Starlight raised an eyebrow as she read out, “Bat-ponies on vacation?”

“Bat-ponies?” Sunburst smiled and stroked his beard idly, “I’ll have to work harder on getting into heaven then.”

“Good luck with that while playing this game,” Maud said flatly.

“Oh, right.”

Starlight smirked at the slightly crestfallen look on her childhood friend’s face, “Got a bit of a fetish there, Sunburst?” Sniggering at his splutters as he vainly tried to deny it, she flipped over the next card, “What’s there a ton of in heaven… spectacular abs.”

Trixie just tilted her head, “Well… probably?”

“And the last one… huge biceps,” Starlight frowned down at the answers, “Well given that Bulk Biceps and Big Mac are still alive I think those last two seem unlikely, so I’m going to go with bat-ponies.”

“Ha! Trixie is in the lead once again!”

“For all of thirty seconds,” Maud quipped.

“We shall see about that,” Trixie scowled as she dealt the cards out, then grinned as she looked at the question, “Oh this should be good. What will always get you laid?”

“Enslaving a village?” Sunburst shot.

Starlight opened her mouth to say something scathing, then closed it as she realized he had her there.

Trixie snickered behind her hoof, “Come on, get your answers in.”

The other three swiftly complied, Starlight tossing hers with a little more venom than was strictly necessary.

“Now now,” Trixie chided as she grabbed the first card, “What will always get you laid? Getting married, having a few foals, buying some stuff, retiring to the south of Prance and dying.”

Sunburst rubbed a hoof under his chin, “I’m not really sure how that’ll get you laid?”

“I guess if you’ve had foals you’ve already gotten laid,” Maud replied.

Trixie just sighed and grabbed the next answer, “What will always get you laid? Peeing a little bit.”

“Kinky,” Maud supplied

Starlight grinned at that, “Heh, the girls through the mirror asked us about that. Watching Sunset try to explain pony sexuality was hilarious.”

“Aww, Trixie wishes she could have seen that,” the magician giggled as she grabbed the last card, “What will always get you laid… uh…” She frowned at the card, holding it out in her magic as if it were toxic, “King Sombra.”

Sunburst threw a disgusted look at the card, “I suppose dark magic and mind control would work. You would know wouldn’t you, Starlight?”

“Hey I never mind controlled them!” Starlight retorted, then winced, her eyes darting around sheepishly, “At least… not for that.”

“With a plot like that Trixie doubts you had to,” Trixie added, ignoring the school councilor's blush, “Trixie thinks she will go for the peeing on that one, who’s was that?”

“Mine,” Sunburst replied.

“Here you go.”

“My turn,” Maud slipped a question off the stack, “But before I kill you, Daring Do, I must show you blank.” Maud stared down at the card in her hoof, “And I want you to read out your own answers, doing your best villain impression.”

“So… just behave like ourselves?” Starlight asked.

“Hey, I’m not a villain!” Sunburst growled.

“You’re a closet pervert, same difference,” Trixie shot, earning herself a glare.

Once everypony was ready Maud nodded to Starlight, who rose to all fours. An unearthly glow surrounded her body as she levitated herself off the ground, her voice echoing powerfully through the grotto, “But before I kill you, Daring Do, I must show you…” There was a bright flash as a set of photographs appeared in mid-air, “Pictures of teats!”

Sunburst and Trixie burst into laughter at that, Trixie in particular giggling as she flailed a hoof in the direction of the teat-pics.

“Why do you even have those photos?” Sunburst chuckled.

“Twilight wanted reference material for her books and she didn’t want to try and sneak into Trixie’s wagon while she slept, too many explosives,” Starlight replied.

“Why not use photos of her own teats?”

“She tried, but she couldn’t quite get the aim right on the camera,” Starlight sighed as she teleported the photos away again, “At least, that’s what she told me. Okay, Trixie, you’re next… Trixie…?”

Trixie was sat on her haunches, gaping at the two as if they were utterly mad. It was only when Starlight poked her with an éclair that she finally roused herself, “That does it! The next time I get a chance I’m going to ransack that library and find the books you’re talking about!”

“I doubt Twilight will let you read them so easily, you’ll have to sneak in.”

“Fine!” Trixie spat, “In the meantime Trixie shall just have to win this game.” She flicked her hair and rose up onto her hind legs, throwing her forelegs wide, “But before the Dark and Terrible Trixie kills you, Daring Do, Trixie must show you…”

The was a puff of smoke and suddenly Trixie’s hat and cloak were gone, replaced with a miniskirt, blouse and tie. A stereotypical slutty schoolgirl outfit.

“A much younger mare!”

Sunburst snorted at that while Starlight just covered her eyes with a hoof.

“Okay, that’s just wrong.”

“Really awful,” Sunburst added.

With another poof Trixie’s outift disappeared and her trademark cloak and hat returned as she sat back down with a petulant snort, “Hmph, let’s see you do better.”

“Gladly,” Sunburst smiled slightly and took off his glasses, setting them down on the blanket as he smoothed out his mane and beard with his magic. When he looked back up his expression had changed, his eyes cold and hard and his mouth set in a grim line. He stood and strode slowly around the group in a tight circle, regarding the three mares with a malevolent sneer that rivaled that of Queen Chrysalis.

“But before I kill you… Miss Do…”

Trixie and Starlight unconsciously shuffled closer together at the sound of his voice, a harsh whisper that sent chills down their spines. They both squeaked in fear as he suddenly lunged forward, staring them in the eyes.

“I must show you… just how bad my daughter fucked up her dance recital.”

The tension snapped instantly as the two unicorns let out a squeal of laughter. Even Maud’s lips twitched at the sudden shift in tone.

“Oh wow, that was brilliant, Sunburst!” Starlight gasped.

“Eh, I have my moments,” he grinned, trotting back to his spot and retrieving his glasses.

“Apparently. I’ve never seen you act like that before.”

Sunburst just shrugged, “I don’t really do it very often. It does come in handy when doing bondage play though.”

The other three just stared at him blankly.

A crimson blush spread across the lovable dork’s face as he realized what he’d just said, “So… uh… who won that round?”

Maud just wordlessly pushed the card over to him, then passed him a question card too.

Tugging on the collar of his robe, Sunburst brushed a layer of sweat off his forehead as he read out the question, “Okay, here we go… um… yes… okay here we go. Equestrian Rail apologises for the delay in train service due to blank.”

“Somepony tied up on the tracks?” Trixie smirked.

“Don’t tempt me,” Sunburst shot back.

Starlight raised an eyebrow as she thought, “I think that’s actually something Twilight does to her in volume four.”

“Wait, WHAT!?” Trixie screamed.

“Or was it volume eleven?”

“Maybe we should just get our answers ready before Trixie has an aneurysm,” Maud suggested.

Shortly, and with much eye-twitching on the part of a certain stage magician, three answers were lined up in front of Sunburst.

“Right. Equestrian Rail apologizes for the delay in train service due to… my abusive colt-friend who really isn’t so bad once you get to know him?”

Starlight sighed heavily, “What’s Blueblood done this time?”

“Existed?” Maud quipped.

“Next, Equestrian Rail apologizes for the delay in train service due to…” Sunburst flicked over the next card and raised an eyebrow, “Glory-holes.”

“That could definitely interfere with train times,” Starlight muttered, blushing slightly.

“Trixie agrees,” Trixie agreed, sporting a blush of her own. Even Maud was looking a slightly rosy tint of grey.

Trying to ignore the rather perverse implications of the mares’ increased blood flow to their cheeks, Sunburst bravely soldiered on with the last answer, “Equestrian Rail apologizes for the delay in train service due to… oh for fuck- a bowl of mayonnaise and pony teeth.”

Trixie’s cheeks bulged at that, her cheeks rapidly switching from red to green, “Blrgh, not again…”

Starlight grimaced in disgust, “What. The. Actual. Fuck.”

“I had crap cards,” Maud deadpanned.

“Well there’s a boner-kill,” Sunburst muttered, “Who had the glory-holes?”

Trixie spat a mouthful of… something… behind a rock and held up a hoof, “Trixie… did…”

“Congratulations, Trixie. You’re in the lead.”

“Trixie… urgh… doesn’t really give a shit right now.”

Round 6

View Online

After a brief respite to allow Trixie’s stomach to settle, and a hushed bet between the other three on how long it would take for her to spew again, the group got themselves ready for another round of family-friendly fun and frivolity.

Or, at least, one seriously fucked up card game.

“If Trixie gets an eating disorder from all of this, somepony is getting a firecracker shoved up their ass.”

“You’ve only thrown up twice, Trixie. I sincerely doubt you’ll get an eating disorder from just that,” Sunburst replied reasonably.

“Hmph, Trixie is just making you all aware of the possibility.”

“If I were you I’d be more concerned about staying in the lead,” Starlight quipped, “Question time! Okay, this card says you have to each draw an extra two cards and pick three. Blank plus blank equals blank.”

Dealing out the additional cards swiftly, there was a brief rustling as the others inspected their new options and selected their answers. Sunburst and Trixie were ready first, with Maud following a minute or so later.

“Let’s see what you degenerates have come up with, shall we?” Starlight smirked, then raised an eyebrow as she picked up Trixie’s cards, “Your weird brother plus having sex for the first time equals seven dead and three in critical condition.”

“Does anyone here even have a brother?” Sunburst asked.

Maud shook her head, “Not unless one of my sisters has grown a penis without me noticing.”

“If anypony could manage it, it would be Pinkie,” Starlight sighed, then cocked her head as she wondered aloud, “Maybe Twilight knows a spell for that?”

“She doesn’t!” Trixie snapped, earning a surprised stare from the others.

“O…kay…?” Starlight shook her head and picked up Maud’s answers, “Only dating East Equestrian mares plus going an entire day without masturbating equals four hundred years of colonial atrocities?”

“Don’t ask,” Maud said, shuffling her cards idly.

“Is this something to do with Princess Luna?” Sunburst asked.

“Trixie sure hopes not.”

“I doubt it. If repressed sexuality manifested as expansionist tendencies Fluttershy would have conquered the Dragonlands and half of Yakyakistan by now,” Starlight shot. She snorted as she glanced at the last cards, “Oh, wow. Having big dreams but no realistic way to achieve them plus seething with quiet resentment equals bat-pony dungeon porn.”

Trixie tried to laugh and nearly choked on her soda.

“Wh-what the shit, Sunburst?” she spluttered.

Sunburst just shrugged, “What? I dropped out of Princess Celestia’s school and I was still mad at my mom. How else do you think I managed to afford a new build in the Crystal Empire?”

Stunned silence greeted that little proclamation.

“Are you saying you… actually did bat-pony dungeon porn?” Starlight asked tentatively.


Trixie blushed and fidgeted with her hooves restlessly, “Are… there any illustrations for sale?”

OKAY I think we’re done with that round!” Starlight cut in loudly. “Sunburst wins and here’s your question Trix!”

Trixie yelped as a black card smacked her on the nose. “Spoilsport,” she muttered as she picked the card up, “Old Macdonald had blank. E-I-E-I-O. Bonus points if your answer actually fits the tune.”

A great deal of grumbling was her only response as the others flicked through their cards. After a couple of minutes the others gave up and each tossed a card her way.

“Going by your lack of enthusiasm Trixie is going to assume you have rubbish cards.”

“Trixie assumes correctly,” Starlight sighed.

“Gee, thanks,” Trixie muttered as she shuffled the answers. “First up, old Macdonald had… Chemical weapons. E-I-E-I-O.” She smirked and raised an eyebrow, “So… he has a load of cow shit readily available?”

That got a small chuckle from Starlight and Sunburst.

“Old Macdonald had… dead birds everyone,” Trixie gave the others a half-lidded stare, “One of you has issues.”

“We all have issues here,” Starlight said flatly.

“Good point. Old Macdonald had… a middle-aged stallion on roller skates,” Trixie frowned and tilted her head curiously, “Like, had him up the ass or kept him in the basement?”

“Why not both?” Maud asked.

Trixie chuckled and waved the question card around in her magic, “Who had chemical weapons?”

Starlight raised a hoof.

“I think all of Equestria is glad you didn’t,” Sunburst shot as Trixie tossed her the card.

Starlight gave him an evil smirk, “You never did taste Sugar Belle’s muffins before she got her cutie mark back, did you?”

“Were they really that bad?”

“Even Pinkie couldn’t stomach them, that sounds like a chemical weapon to me,” Maud replied as she picked up the next question, “What never fails to liven up the party?”

Starlight instantly teleported a card to her, as if simply levitating it the meager few feet over the picnic just wasn’t fast enough. Trixie and Sunburst’s answers followed swiftly.

After a quick shuffle Maud pulled out the first answer, “What never fails to liven up the party? Whipping it out.”

Starlight and Trixie both cheered and whooped at that one.

“Go on, Sunburst! Whip it out!” Trixie cried.

“Liven up the party!” Starlight chimed in.

Sunburst scowled and pulled his cloak tighter around himself.

“If you want to have an orgy, I’d prefer it if we waited until Mud Briar was available,” Maud said in her usual deadpan fashion. The unicorns blushed furiously at her words and glanced awkwardly at each other. Seeing that her audience was under control, Maud continued, “What never fails to liven up the party? A foul mouth.”

“Well, you’re not wrong,” Starlight chuckled.

“Tonight is pretty much proof of that,” Trixie added.

“Last one. What never fails to liven up the party? Blowing up Canterlot Castle.”

“Is it another Royal Wedding already?” Trixie quipped.

“Or another royal baby?” Starlight piped up.

Trixie smirked, “Can you even imagine one of the other princesses pregnant?”

“I’m trying not to,” Sunburst muttered.

Maud raised an eyebrow, then returned her attention to the answers, “Whipping it out wins.”

Starlight grinned and pumped a hoof in the air, “Woohoo! I’m on a roll!”

“Congratulations, you’ve finally caught up to the rest of us,” Sunburst said brightly.

“Ah, screw you.”

“Hmm, maybe later,” Sunburst ducked the bag of marshmallows that was tossed in retaliation and picked up a black card, “Well if you’ll excuse me, gentlecolts, I have a date with blank.”

A few moments later, three answers and a folded sheet of paper sat in front of him. Levitating the paper he quickly unfolded it to take a peek, blushed furiously, then set it alight using his magic.

The mares glanced at each other curiously as Sunburst shakily snatched up the answer cards, “W-well if you’ll excuse me, ahem, gentlecolts, I have a date with…” His cheeks turned an interesting shade of green as he looked at the first answer, “Eating a hard-boiled egg out of my husband’s asshole.”

Trixie rapidly joined him in the color-changing, “Oh that is disgusting!”

Starlight grinned evilly as she sidled up to the magician, “Do you think that would taste like an eggy fart, or…?”

With a tremendous, heaving retch, Trixie scrambled to dive behind a certain much-abused rock. Maud gave Starlight a half-lidded stare as the sound of a mare loudly emptying her guts filled the air once again.

Starlight, for her part, just smiled and fluffed her mane, “I believe that’s five bits to me?”

“You’re a sick bitch,” Sunburst muttered.


Groaning piteously, Trixie staggered back from around the rock and collapsed next to the picnic blanket.

“Um, should we continue?” Sunburst asked. Trixie just waved her hoof vaguely in response, prompting Maud to pat her head gently. “I’ll… take that as a yes. Well if you’ll excuse me, gentlecolts, I have a date with… hot cheese.”

“Twilight would freak the fuck out,” Starlight chuckled.

“And lastly, well if you’ll excuse me, gentlecolts, I have a date with… covering myself in Parmesan cheese and chilli flakes, because I am pizza.” Sunburst frowned at the cards for a moment, “Pizza wins. Who had that one?”

“Pizza. Woooo,” Maud deadpanned, waving her hooves slowly in the air.

Sunburst flicked the card over to her, “Here you go. Well, Trixie. It looks like you’re still in the lead. Um, congratulations?”
Trixie didn’t reply. She was too busy mentally coming up with several cruel and unusual plots for revenge against her evil psychopath of a beloved assistant.

Mostly involving Twilight.

And cheese.

Lots and lots of cheese.

Round 7

View Online

Starlight wouldn’t stop grinning as she doled out fresh cards, making sure to collect her winnings from Maud and Sunburst while they waited for Trixie to get a hold of herself. After several minutes of sprawling on the floor the stage magician finally managed to pull herself into a sitting position and chug down some water.

“Okay, are we all ready?” Starlight asked brightly. The others nodded dutifully. “Blank. Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!”

“Your cherry?” Maud quipped.

Sunburst chuckled, “If that’s an actual answer now…”

Trixie snorted and flicked a card over to Starlight, “Trixie doesn’t know about the rest of you, but the fun has stopped plenty of times since Trixie had her first Great and Powerful Humping.”

“You should totally trademark that,” Starlight giggled as she scooped up the answers and shuffled them. “Here we go… oh, wow. Coat hanger abortions. Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!”

The other three just stared blankly at her.

“That’s fucked up,” Sunburst finally said.

Starlight nodded, “I know, right? Who needs a coat hanger when you have a horn?”

“Or a strong hoof and a good aim,” Maud added.

Sunburst grimaced and set down his drink while Trixie glanced at Maud and raised an eyebrow. “Are we entirely sure this one isn’t a villain?” she asked.

“Fuck if I know,” Starlight replied. She smirked at Maud as she read the next answer. “An endless stream of diarrhea. Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!”

“Don’t even say it,” Maud said quickly, for her at least, cutting off the inevitable Mud Briar and/or Bowel-loosening BlowjobTM jokes.

Starlight smiled and shook her head, “And lastly… seppuku. Once you pop, the fun don’t stop.”

Sunburst raised an eyebrow at that, “Seppuku? As in, Neighponese ritual suicide?”

Trixie shrugged, “Trixie’s cards weren’t great for this question.”

“Fair enough,” Starlight replied. “Who had the endless stream of diarrhea?”

“As in literally, or the card?” Sunburst asked.

“The card, you fuckwad.”

“Oh, that would be me then.”

Starlight flicked the card over to him. “Hey, you’re tied with Trixie now!”

“We shall see about that,” Trixie growled as she picked up a question card, “It’s a pity that foals these days are all getting involved with blank.”

Surprisingly it was Sunburst who dropped an answer in front of her first, with Maud and Starlight shuffling through their cards for a short while before finally giving up and passing one each over.

“Trixie is guessing you all have crappy cards for her turn, again.”

“I don’t!” Sunburst spluttered indignantly.

Trixie smirked and shook out her mane, “Oh please, it’s only pure luck that has you keeping up with the Great and Powerful Trixie, luck that shall soon run out!” Her smirk morphed into a grin as she flipped over a card with a flourish, “It’s a pity that foals these days are all getting involved with… magnets.”

Dead silence.

Trixie stared blankly at the card for a second, then casually tossed it aside and levitated the next one, “It’s a pity that foals these days are all getting involved with…” She winced and unconsciously covered her torso, “50,000 volts straight to the teats!”

Starlight and Sunburst both hissed and grimaced, Starlight covering her teats too. Maud just cocked her head to the side and raised an eyebrow, “That sounds interesting.”

“That’s ‘cause you’re a kinky bitch,” Trixie quipped.

“I wish I could deny it,” Maud replied, then tapped her chin in thought, “Come to think of it, I would like a new bridle.”

“Oh, I can put you in touch with a designer if you’d like?” Sunburst offered.

Starlight raised an eyebrow at that, “And how do you know any bondage designers?”

Sunburst gave her a flat look, “You do know I work for Princess Cadence, right?”

Starlight pulled a face and pressed her hooves to her head, “Aww great, now I’m picturing Shining Armour sticking a bridle and bit on Cadence.”

“Wrong way around,” Sunburst supplied.

The three mares just stared at him with wide eyes.

“Trixie… has no response to that.”

“Try ‘sploosh’,” Starlight breathed.

“Aaaand Trixie is continuing the game now. It’s a pity that foals these days are all getting involved with… mutually assured destruction?”

“Hey, it’s nice to see Starlight’s old hobbies are still popular,” Sunburst quipped.

Starlight didn’t respond. She was too busy staring into space, apparently daydreaming about a certain white stallion being gift-wrapped in leather straps.

Trixie just rolled her eyes, “50,000 volts to the foal-feeders wins. Who had that one?”

“Me,” Sunburst grinned, “And that one puts me in the lead!”


Trixie's sudden yell dragged Starlight from her reverie, “Bwuh? What’s going on?”

“Trixie’s not in the lead anymore,” Maud replied. “Also, you’re drooling.” Starlight blushed and quickly wiped her mouth as Maud dealt out fresh cards. “This should be a fun one. I got 99 problems, but blank ain’t one.”

Trixie grinned as she slid her answer over, “Trixie has the perfect one for this.”

“Mine’s not too shabby either,” Sunburst warned, floating his over too.

Starlight just cleared her throat as she passed hers over, still a little flustered from her impromptu fantasizing.

One quick shuffle later and Maud pulled out the first answer, “I got 99 problems but waiting ‘til marriage ain’t one. Well I guess you’re not wrong there.” The others giggled as she picked out the next card, “I got 99 problems but laying an egg ain’t one.”

“I’d imagine not, unless you’ve been porked by Spike recently,” Starlight chuckled.

“Or half of the other creatures Equestria is friends with these days,” Sunburst added reasonably.

“Getting ridden by a dragon should be pretty hot,” Maud quipped, earning a groan and a barrage of food products from the others for daring to utter such a terrible pun. Brushing marshmallows from her mane, she picked up the last answer, stared at it for a moment, then gave the others a flat stare. “I got 99 problems but Permanent Orgasm-Face Disorder ain’t one.”

The grotto echoed loudly as the three unicorns collapsed into hysterics.

“Oh… oh sweet Celestia!” Trixie gasped. “Do you even have an orgasm face!?”

Maud sighed, then suddenly crossed her eyes and ever-so-slightly crinkled her nose while poking out her tongue, sending the others collapsing to the floor in a paroxysm of laughter.

Please tell me that’s your actual orgasm-face,” Starlight said while wiping away a tear.

“You’ll never know,” Maud replied.

“We’ll just have to ask Mud Briar,” Sunburst giggled.

The corners of Maud’s mouth slowly curved upwards, “Orgasm-face wins.”

“Wooo,” Trixie cheered weakly, clutching at her sides.

“And then it’s Sunburst’s turn.”

Dragging himself off the floor and into something resembling a dignified pose, Sunburst hiccoughed and levitated a question card over, “Phew! After four platinum albums and three Gala awards, it’s time to get back to my roots, to what inspired me to make music in the first place: Blank.”

Starlight grinned, “Alright girls, what kick-started Sunburst’s music career?”

“Was this before or after his porn career?” Maud asked.

“Oh, I did both at the same time,” Sunburst said airily.

Trixie giggled, “Sure, he used to compose his singles while balls-deep in Princest Poon.”

Starlight spat out a mouthful of soda, “What the fuck kind of name is that?”

“It’s not a real porn star name,” Sunburst assured her. “At least, not that I know of.”

“I’m not surprised. Princess Celestia is pretty laid back, but I can’t imagine her being too happy about a porn star taking a name like that,” Starlight said slowly.

Sunburst nodded in agreement as the three mares passed over their answers, “Okay, last answers of the round. After four platinum albums and three Gala awards, it’s time to get back to my roots, to what inspired me to make music in the first place… my ex-wife.”

Starlight smirked, “So… instead of books about hate-fucking it’s songs about hate-fucking?”

“Apparently,” Sunburst replied. “After four platinum albums and three Gala awards, it’s time to get back to my roots, to what inspired me to make music in the first place…” his eye started to twitch as he looked at the next answer, “an Oedipus complex.”

Starlight burst into a demented cackle at that, earning a startled look from Trixie and a somewhat less obvious look of surprise from Maud. Sunburst turned a half-lidded stare on her.

“How did I know this was your card?” he said sardonically.

“I wish!” Starlight chuckled.

Trixie glanced from one to the other, “Why does Trixie feel like she’s missing something here?”

Starlight sniggered, “Let’s just say Sunburst’s mom is pretty much the walking definition of milf. Until she opens her mouth, that is. Then you just want to stuff a pillow over her face until she stops struggling.”

“Well I can’t say anything to the first part of that but the second part is definitely true,” Sunburst chimed in. “And finally we have, after four platinum albums and three Gala awards, it’s time to get back to my roots, to what inspired me to make music in the first place… a fleshlight.”

“So, you don’t just sing about your ex-wife and your sexy mom, you also write lyrics for your magic cock sleeve,” Maud deadpanned.

Sunburst shrugged, “Well I’ve never had a wife, I’ve never sang about my mom and I’ve definitely never written lyrics for Starlight so…”

“Wait, what?” Starlight asked.

Sunburst ignored her, “Hmmmm. Meh, Oedipus complex wins.”

Maud slowly pumped a fore-hoof, “Woo. I’m catching up.”

Starlight grinned, “Wow, the scores are actually pretty close so far.”

Trixie folded her forelegs, “Hmph, not for long.”

“And on that note, I need to use the restroom,” Starlight said brightly as she stood and stretched. “Oh, and Sunburst?”

Just as Sunburst looked up a cake smacked him in the face and sent him sprawling.

“That was for the cock sleeve comment!”

Round 8

View Online

Starlight sighed with relief as she rejoined the group after her not-so-short restroom break.

“Took you long enough,” Trixie smirked. “We were starting to wonder whether or not we should send out a search party.”

Starlight chuckled and sat back in her corner, “What can I say? I’ve had filth pouring out of me from both ends tonight.”

“There’s a mental image I could have cheerfully lived without,” Sunburst muttered.

“At least you didn’t have to smell it,” Starlight shot. “Are we ready for the next round?” The other three nodded in response, “Okay. Oh, this is another pick two. They said we were crazy. They said we couldn’t put blank inside of blank. They were wrong.”

“Why does Trixie suddenly have a very bad feeling?” Trixie mumbled as she sifted through her cards.

“Probably because Trixie pissed off Princess Luna and she’s getting ready to ram a curse up Trixie’s ass,” Starlight replied.

Trixie snorted dismissively and passed her answers over, though she did sneak a quick peek over her shoulder. Just in case.

Starlight grinned and picked up Trixie’s cards as the other two pushed their answers over too, “Okay, Trixie, what have you got for me? They said we were crazy. They said we couldn’t put strong female characters inside of an entrenched class system. They were wrong.”

She and the other two looked curiously at the stage magician.

“Uh, you do realize we have an entrenched class system that’s ruled by four powerful females, don’t you?” Starlight asked tentatively.

Trixie huffed and blew a lock of hair out of her face, “Obviously. Those were the only cards Trixie had that made any sense.”

“If you say so,” Starlight muttered as she grabbed Maud’s answers. “They said we were crazy. They said we couldn’t put sunshine and rainbows inside of pedophiles. They were wrong.”

Trixie shivered at that, “Did anypony else just get a sense of existential dread, or is it just me?”

“No, I felt it too,” Sunburst said uneasily.

“It is a bit of a creepy one, “Maud admitted.

Starlight just scoffed and rolled her eyes, “Oh, come on, it’s not that bad.” She pressed a hoof to her cheek and turned half-lidded eyes on Sunburst, “Ara ara.”

Sunburst gave her a disgusted look. In all honesty he couldn’t decide if he was more horrified or horny, but there was no way in Tartarus he would ever admit to that, “Please don’t do that again.”

“Hey, I think I pull off the incestuous older sister vibe quite well,” Starlight huffed.

“Speaking as an actual older sister, that’s just fucked up,” Maud replied in her dull monotone.

“Trixie thinks Starlight has been reading way too much hentai,” Trixie shot.

“How did you know that’s a hentai thing?” Starlight retorted.

Trixie just gave her a flat look, “Because Trixie reads hentai. Duh.”

“I’m sure there’s a joke about tentacles in there somewhere,” Maud said quietly.

Trixie smirked, “Oh those tentacles go somewhere, alright!”

“I thought you said you’d never read tentacle porn?” Starlight asked.

Trixie shook her head, “Trixie said she doesn’t own any tentacle porn, not that she hasn’t read any. There’s a difference.”

“P-perhaps we should get back to the game!” Sunburst cut in, eager to move on from the conversation before his cloak became more of a marquee.

Starlight gave him a knowing grin, but picked up the last answers anyway, “Fine. They said we were crazy. They said we couldn’t put my cheating-son-of-a-bitch husband inside of a mating display. They were wrong.”

Trixie hissed through her teeth, “Ooo, ouch. That doesn’t sound like a fun time.”

“I’d blast the bastard into the middle of next week,” Starlight muttered.

“Like you did with Discord?” Sunburst asked.

Exactly like I did with Discord,” Starlight replied as she looked through the answers again. “Point goes to the filly-fiddlers, here you go Maud.”

“I have mixed feelings about this,” Maud mumbled as she accepted the card.

“That’s what you get for playing with perversion you can’t handle,” Trixie shot, before blushing and giggling nervously. “That sounded a whole lot better in Trixie’s head.” She shook her head vigorously, “Anyway, it’s time for Trixie’s turn! Oh, you’re all going to have fun with this one. What ended the Great and Powerful Trixie’s last relationship?”

“Your ego?” Sunburst asked.

“The love potion wore off?” Maud added.

“Twilight found a new toy?” Starlight chimed in.

“Oh, go fuck yourselves,” Trixie retorted.

“I’ve got Mud Briar for that,” Maud piped up. A moment later she added, “And Boulder.”

Sunburst raised an eyebrow, “How does that even work? On second thought, no, don’t answer that. I’m not sure my brain can take it.”

“Mine can, how in Tartarus does that work?” Starlight asked.

Maud looked her dead in the eye, “You’ve never heard of a spit-roast?”

Absolute stunned silence greeted her statement. Even the waterfalls trickling into the cavern’s lake seemed to fall silent at the sheer insanity of that image.

“Does everypony have their answers ready?” Trixie asked finally, glossing over the moment. Starlight and Sunburst wordlessly levitated their answers over, while Maud rolled her eyes before picking one out and hoofing it over too. Trixie gave them a quick shuffle in her magic and pulled one out at random, “What ended the Great and Powerful Trixie’s last relationship? A homoerotic volleyball montage.”

“I thought that was what started your last relationship,” Starlight shot.

“Trixie sure wishes,” Trixie replied. “Next answer. What ended the Great and Powerful Trixie’s last relationship?” She gave the next card a curious look, “Sitting on Trixie’s face.”

“Are you really that bad at oral?” Sunburst asked.

Trixie scoffed, “Of course I’m not, they clearly just sat the wrong way.”

Maud’s eyebrows almost twitched into a frown, “How can you sit on somepony’s face the wrong way?”

In response, Trixie reached up and gave her horn a light tap, “You really need to be careful when sitting on a unicorn’s face. A misplaced horn is not a pleasant experience.”

Starlight gave an involuntary shudder, “Don’t remind me, I found that one out the hard way.”

“Trixie told you it’s a bad idea to try that when drunk,” Trixie said tartly, ignoring the retaliatory glare as she picked up the last answer. “What ended the Great and Powerful Trixie’s last relationship? Being a dick to foals.”

“Oh, like that time you forced Snips and Snails to pull around your giant golden throne?” Starlight asked.

Trixie just gave her a flat look, “Do you really blame me for that one?”

Starlight paused for a moment, “No. No I do not.” She smiled wryly, “It’s not like I really could, even if I wanted to, given my history.”

“Well, the Humble and Forgiving Trixie wasn’t going to say anything if you did,” Trixie replied, garnering a roll of the eyes. “Hmmm, Trixie thinks sitting on the face wins. Who had that one?”

“That would be me, and that puts me in the lead,” Sunburst said smugly, earning a scowl and a card flicked in his general direction. “Your turn, Maud.”

Maud nodded and picked up a question. She stared at it for several long seconds, before finally turning to the others, “During sex, I like to think about blank.”

The three unicorns smirked at each other.

“Which of you wants to go for the obvious?” Starlight asked.

Sunburst just shrugged, “Insert obligatory rock and slash or wood joke here. And maybe an immature remark for good measure.”

“Who doesn’t love a bit of hard wood?” Trixie put in.

“Thank you, Trixie.”

“You’re welcome.”

Maud puffed air out through her nostrils in what may have been something approaching a laugh, “Just pass your answers over, you twerps.”

“Insulting us directly? That’s rare for you, Maud,” Starlight chuckled as they all floated their answers over.

“I think I’m having a sugar rush,” Maud replied flatly. “Either that or the unspoken sexual tension is getting to me. During sex, I like to think about Chancellor Puddinghead.”

“I’m sure there’s a euphemism in there somewhere,” Sunburst muttered.

“Probably,” Maud agreed. “During sex, I like to think about natural selection.”

“There’s nothing natural about your selection,” Trixie shot.

Maud gave her a blank look that somehow managed to convey ‘watch it!’ successfully, “Last card. During sex, I like to think about Princess Celestia.”

“Who doesn’t?” Starlight asked.

Trixie shrugged, “Trixie alternates between her and Twilight, depending on her mood.”

“Should’ve seen that coming,” Starlight muttered.

“That’s what she said!”

Sunburst chuckled and stroked his beard, “I actually prefer Princess Luna myself.”

The others looked at him in shock.

“I thought you’d be all over Cadence!?” Starlight exclaimed.

Sunburst shook his head, “Only on MFM Mondays. The rest of the time it’s Luna all the way. She’s surprisingly gentle.” He couldn’t help but smirk at the sight of three mares having their minds collectively blown.

“Every part of that sentence breaks my brain,” Trixie said quietly. Sunburst just grinned proudly.

Maud finally tore her gaze away from him to look down at the answers in front of her, “Natural selection wins.”

“Yes!” Sunburst cried as he threw his hooves up in the air.

“What are you so happy about?” Starlight asked.

Sunburst polished a hoof on his cloak and gave her a faux-humble smile, “Oh, no reason. I’m just ahead of all of you by at least two points now.” He sighed contentedly as he picked up his question card, “Which means no matter which of you wins this turn, I’m still in the lead.”

“There’s still two turns left after this, assbag,” Starlight shot.

Trixie scowled at him, “Ask the next question so Trixie can prepare her Great and Powerful comeback.”

“Why is it on your back? Did they miss your face?” Maud asked, earning an indignant glare from Trixie and a snort from the other two.

“Anyhoo,” Sunburst chuckled, “last question. Life for earth ponies was forever changed when unicorns introduced them to blank.”

“Shoving a horn somewhere it shouldn’t go?” Starlight quipped.

Trixie smirked, “Oh it absolutely should go! When it’s in there and you gently use some magic…” She hissed in a quick breath then let out a satisfied sigh, “Ah, bliss.”

Starlight rubbed a hoof under her chin thoughtfully, “I don't know, I'm still a little wary after what happened the first time I tried it.”

“I just prefer a good pounding,” Maud put in.

“I neither need nor want to know how you mares prefer to get off!” Sunburst exclaimed, then he sighed and shook his head, “Having said that, from a professional standpoint, yes, I’ve received excellent feedback on the effectiveness of gentle thaumic stimulation. Now hurry up and hoof your answers over!”

Starlight couldn’t resist grinning evilly at him, “What’s the matter, Sunburst? Getting a problem under that cloak?”

“You’ve just got cock on the brain,” Sunburst retorted, shuffling his cloak over a little more nevertheless. Ignoring Starlight triumphant smirk, he picked up the first answer with as much dignity as he could muster, “Life for earth ponies was forever changed when unicorns introduced them to… perfunctory foreplay.”

Trixie snorted, “Trixie thinks we’ve established that unicorn foreplay is far from boring. Unless you’re Starlight.”

“Fuck you, Trix,” Starlight shot back, as witty and creative as always.

“Eh, maybe later. Somepony has to show you how to do it right, after all.”

“It would make a change to have somepony screaming Trixie’s name other than Trixie herself,” Maud deadpanned.

Sunburst rolled his eyes as the unicorn mares alternated between glaring at each other and Maud, “Life for earth ponies was forever changed when unicorns introduced them to… oh… wow.”

“What is it?” Trixie asked eagerly.

Sunburst took a deep breath and spoke in as flat a tone as he could manage, “Life for earth ponies was forever changed when unicorns introduced them to Saddle Rager uncontrollably guzzling cum.”

As if on cue, Maud picked up a glass of milk and knocked it back, then tilted her head back and started violently shaking her head from side to side, making weird noises as milk sprayed everywhere, “Blpblbplbpblpblpb!”

Gameplay was halted temporarily as the others burst into hysterics, Sunburst collapsing and thumping his hoof on the floor as Starlight and Trixie rolled around, tears streaming down each of their faces.

When the laughter had died down somewhat, and the three were once again capable of some form of coherent, if not particularly sane or intelligent, speech, Starlight glanced over at Maud, “You should win this round, just for that!”

Maud just blinked, milk still dripping from her muzzle, fringe, and coat, “That was my card anyway, but we still have one answer left.”

Sunburst levitated up the last card, still giggling quietly, “Life for earth ponies was forever changed when unicorns introduced them to… puppies.” He snorted and tossed the answer aside, “Maud wins that one.”

“No shit,” Trixie laughed. “Now go clean yourself up, you filthy mare.”

Maud nodded and got to her hooves, “It’s not the first time I’ve heard that this week.”

Round 9

View Online

“I’m back.”

The rest of the group looked up as Maud returned from de-milking herself.

“Got rid of your bukkake, then?” Trixie asked.

Maud just nodded as she sat back in her corner.

Starlight smiled brightly, “Okay, now that Maud no longer looks like she’s been gangbanged, shall we start the next round?”

“If you think that little bit of milk is what a mare looks like after a gangbang, you’re doing them wrong,” Maud deadpanned as she sat back in her place.

Trixie smirked, “That’s the voice of experience talking.”

Maud turned a blank look on her, “I don’t mind being caught between a rock and a hard place. Or several hard places.” The others all groaned at the horrific word play, not to mention the frankly mind-boggling images it conjured. “Besides,” she continued doggedly, “I doubt I’m the only pony here who’s been involved in group activities, right, Sunburst?”

Sunburst turned a deep, ruddy hue as Starlight and Trixie’s heads snapped towards him. “That’s right… you said you’ve done porn before!” Starlight cried.

“I implied it, I didn’t state-”

“So what does a mare look like after she’s been gangbanged then, Sunburst?” Starlight pressed, a sadistic grin spreading across her features.

Sunburst gave her a flat look and slowly raised an eyebrow, “Why does it have to be a mare who gets gangbanged?” He smirked proudly at the look on each mare’s face as their minds collectively broke. Even Maud’s mouth dropped open, her eyes widening into an expression more commonly seen on her fluorescent sister.

“I need to talk to Mud Briar as soon as he gets back,” Maud said bluntly, the gears in her degenerate little head whirring madly.

“Trixie… never knew she was into that…” Trixie mumbled, shuffling her hind legs and blushing furiously. “Did you… uh… have you ever…?”

Sunburst’s smirk widened into a malicious grin, “You’ll never know.” Satisfied that he’d efficiently turned the tables on his gutter-minded compatriots, he glanced over at Starlight, “Anyhoo, shouldn’t you be kicking off the next round, now?”

Starlight just gaped at him unblinkingly.

“Are you okay there, Starlight?” Maud asked.

Trixie rolled her eyes, “Great job, Sunburst. Way to break Trixie’s best assistant.”

“It’s not my fault she’s an incorrigible pervert!” Sunburst countered.

“I am not incorrigible!” Starlight shot, stirring from her shaft-filled daydream.

“Obstreperous?” Maud suggested

“That’s Trixie,” Starlight replied.

Trixie hurled a black card at her assistant, then added a cupcake for good measure, “Trixie doesn’t know what either of those words mean, and she doesn’t care. Lets just get on with the game already.”

Slowly wiping frosting from her chin, and giving Trixie a distinctly un-amused look as she did so, Starlight levitated the first question of the round. She sighed inwardly as she read the card, “Well, the answers for this one are going to be just swell. How am I maintaining my relationship status?”

Maud tapped her chin thoughtfully, “That depends, are you still mind-controlling ponies?”

“Of course she’s not, that’s why she’s still single,” Trixie quipped, earning herself a scorching glare that would send a more sensible pony running for the hills.

“That, and everypony thinks she’s Princess Twilight’s, er, consort,” Sunburst added.

Starlight mulled that over for a moment, then shrugged, “Eh, I’ve been called worse. Alright you three, do your worst.”

“Don’t tempt us,” Trixie shot.

A few moments later, three answers were placed on the floor in front of Starlight. “First one. How am I maintaining my relationship status?” She snorted and got to her hooves as she read the card, “My neck, my back, my pussy, and my crack!” Starlight turned and flicked her tail as she read out the last two, narrowly avoiding flashing said parts of her anatomy.

“Ooo, giving us a little show of your own, Starlight?” Trixie asked coyly.

Starlight shrugged and sat back down, “What can I say? I’ve got to get my thrills somehow.”

“By becoming an exhibitionist?” Sunburst asked.

“Like you can talk, mister porn-pony,” Starlight shot. “Next answer. How am I maintaining my relationship status?” She sighed as she read the next card out tonelessly, “Alcoholism.”

Sunburst winced at that one, “That has somewhat… dark, implications.”

“You’re not wrong there,” Starlight replied, tossing it away and levitating the next answer. “How am I maintaining my relationship status? Serfdom.”

“I thought you didn’t mind-control ponies anymore?” Trixie asked slyly.

Starlight just smirked, “Eh, these days I only do it to the perverts that enjoy it. Who had the neck, back, pussy and crack?”

“I’m pretty sure almost everypony in this cave does, but the card was mine,” Maud replied.

Starlight floated the card over to her, “Here you go. Your turn, Trix.”

“Yep,” Trixie chirped as she picked up a question, “ooo, this could be interesting. What are the Great and Powerful Trixie’s parents hiding from her?”

Contrary to Trixie’s hopes, the other three just sat and stared at their cards, frowning and grumbling as they flicked through them. After a few minutes the answers were plopped in front of her with a lack of any enthusiasm whatsoever.

“Going by your faces, Trixie’s just going to go ahead and assume that your cards for this are shit, so let’s just get this over with. What are my parents hiding from me?” She picked up the first answer and rolled her eyes, “The Prench. Yep, shit cards.”

“Hey, look, even Trixie is right about things sometimes,” Sunburst quipped.

“Why don’t you make like Mud Briar and shit yourself?” Trixie shot back.

“Not all over the picnic spread,” Maud cut in.

“Doesn't he have to get a blowjob for that first, anyway?” Starlight asked.

“Only if his cocksleeve wants to give him one,” Trixie replied slyly, getting a flat glare in return. “What are Trixie’s parents hiding from her? Spaghetti? Again?” She raised an eyebrow at that one, “O…kay… and, last answer. What are my parents hiding from me? The cool refreshing taste of fizzy apple cider.”

Starlight sniggered behind her hoof, “It sounds like your parents hate you.”

“Me and papa get along great, I’ll have you know,” Trixie replied with something approaching dignity. “Meh, spaghetti wins. Who had that one?”

“Yay! I finally got another point!” Starlight cried gleefully, clapping her hooves together. “Steady on, ponies, I’m not out of the game just yet!”

“You’ll have to utterly dominate the rest of the game if you want to have even a chance of winning,” Sunburst pointed out.

“It’s Starlight. If anypony can pull off a tide of amusing bullshit when she’s in trouble, it’s her,” Maud deadpanned as she picked up her question. “Check me out, yo, I call this dance move blank.”

“The bowel blaster!” Starlight cried, shoving a hoof in her mouth and pumping it rhythmically.

“That’s the wrong orifice,” Maud replied, raising a hoof, “here, let me show you how it’s done.”

“I-I’m good! Let’s just get those answers out, shall we?” Starlight said quickly.

Maud managed an attempt at a smirk as the others sifted through their cards. After a fair amount of shuffling, and a few wary glances at Maud’s hoof from Starlight, three answers were placed in front of the lone earth pony. “Check me out, yo, I call this dance move racism.”

“Um, how?” Sunburst asked bemusedly.

Maud shrugged, “I don’t know, I’m not great at dancing. I am good at racist jokes though, after all, I’m the only pony here who isn’t… horny.” A chorus of groans greeted that particularly awful pun, shortly before a cream-pie (of the food variety) greeted her face. After wiping sticky white stuff off her face for the second time that night, Maud picked up the next answer, “Check me out, yo, I call this dance move licking things to claim them as your own.”

Sunburst perked up at that, “Oh, that sounds fun. Which of you wants to get your clitoris claimed?”

Starlight instantly spat out the mouthful of fizzy cider she’d tried to drink, while Maud arched an eyebrow with glacial slowness. Trixie just gave him an uncertain look, as if she wasn’t quite sure whether he was being serious or not… or how she’d respond if he was.

“We’re not starting an orgy,” Maud cut in. “Not unless Mud Briar is here. Check me out, yo, I call this dance move not reciprocating oral sex.” She stared at the card for a moment, then tossed it back into the box in apparent disgust, “That’s just mean. Licking things to claim them wins, who had that one?”

“Trixie did,” Trixie replied. “And does it count as an orgy if the rest of you are only watching?”

Sunburst rolled his eyes, “No, Trixie, that’s what we call porn.”

“You would know,” Starlight shot.

“Hmmm, indeed I would,” Sunburst smirked as he picked up the last question of the round with his magic. “What’s a mare’s best friend?”

“Her vibrator,” Starlight and Trixie both said in unison.

Sunburst sighed with resignation, “I suppose I should have seen that one coming.”

“Maybe you still can, later. After all,” Trixie smiled and fluffed her mane, “Trixie does like to put on a show.”

“Alright, that’s enough,” Starlight said firmly, glaring at Trixie as Sunburst blushed yet again. “Just get your answer ready you little perv.”

“Like you’ve ever complained,” Trixie retorted, flicking her answer over to Sunburst. Starlight and Maud quickly followed suit.

“Here we go, let’s see what each of you thinks a mare’s best friend is.” Sunburst picked up the first answer with a flourish, then grimaced as he read it, “How far I can get my own penis up my butt.”

“Oooo, how far can you get your dick up your own butt?” Starlight asked.

Sunburst sighed, “I’m going to assume that I can’t do it at all.”

“You’ve never tried?”

“No. And I have no intentions of doing so, either,” he muttered, evidently not interested in self-boning.


“Pervert. What’s a mare’s best friend?” Sunburst continued. He smirked at the next answer and read it out in the sing-song voice beloved by all fairytale bards, “A gossamer stream of jizz that catches the light as it arcs through the morning air.”

“Oh, wow,” Starlight grinned.

“Its not perfect until its splashed on a rock,” Maud cut in.

“Either that or your ass,” Trixie quipped.

Maud almost smirked, “What’s the difference? Both can be used to break a stallion.”

“That's... disturbing,” Sunburst said, giving her a concerned look. “A-anyway… what’s a mare’s best friend? My genitals.”

Trixie broke into a giggling fit as Starlight tried to hide a snort behind a hoof and failed miserably. Maud, for her part, privately wondered which of the two horned hussies was going to try to find out for themselves first.

Sunburst rolled his eyes as the two kept laughing, “Yeah, yeah. Gossamer jizz wins.”

“And Trixie’s winning streak continues!” Trixie cried happily, pumping a hoof in the air.

Starlight rubbed her chin thoughtfully, “Hmmm, that makes things interesting.”

“How so?” Maud asked.

“Well, there’s no way I can win this now, but that last point makes a three-way tie between the three of you.” Starlight grinned evilly as the three tried to stare each other down. “Which of you fuckers is ready for the last round?”

Round 10

View Online

The four somewhat insane deviants all mentally prepared themselves as they entered the game’s final round. Starlight knew she had no chance of winning, but that wasn’t going to stop her from trying her hardest. Admittedly this was mostly because she wanted to see just how close of a game she could make it between the others. The closer the match, the more over-the-top, and therefore hilarious, Trixie would be.

“Here we are, the beginning of the end,” Starlight said dramatically as she picked up a black card. “If you can’t be with the one you love, love blank.”

Maud turned an impassive look on a certain stage magician, “If you can’t be with Princess Twilight, love Starlight instead, a.k.a. Trixie’s life story.”

“You’re going down, you pebble-fucking pervert,” Trixie shot back.

“Bring it on, bitch,” Maud deadpanned.

Sunburst snorted, “Oh, please, it looks like I’m going to have to put both of you back in your stables.” His confident smirk slipped as he sifted through his cards, “Though, maybe not this turn. My answer is going to suck.”

“Trixie hates to admit it, but so is hers.”

“Mine too,” Maud mumbled.

“Great,” Starlight huffed, “my last question of the game, and I’m getting nothing but crap.” She sighed as she picked up the first answer. “Let’s just get this over with. If you can’t be with the one you love, love seeing what happens when you lock ponies in a room with hungry seagulls.”

Sunburst winced, “That sounds… unpleasant.”

“It sounds like somepony’s getting eaten, and not in the fun way,” Starlight said, holding the card out distastefully.

Maud rubbed her chin thoughtfully, “I’ve heard that birds have hollow bones that help them to fly without magic. If that’s true then they should be pretty easy to break, or even chew, so the seagulls would be the ones getting eaten.”

The other three stared at her in surprise, confusion, and disgust.

“Are we entirely certain that this sick bitch isn’t a super-villain?” Sunburst asked, jerking a hoof in Maud’s direction.

Starlight subtly shifted herself away from the earth pony, “Shit, she even manages to creep me out, and I was a super-villain!”

Trixie smirked and threw her hooves out wide, “All hail Maud Pie! Rock farmer and unholy predator, both sexual and otherwise!”

“Damn straight,” Maud said in her usual monotone.

“Like hell you are,” Starlight quipped. She levitated up the next card, then dropped it down again, a look of pure disgust on her face, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love a brain tumor.”

Trixie hummed and folded her forelegs, “Trixie feels conflicted. There were so many jokes she could have made about other ponies there, but that just feels like crossing a line too far.”

“Say anything about Derpy and I will end you,” Starlight warned.

“Trixie was actually thinking about Snips and Snails.”

“…yeah. Yeah that’s a little mean.”

“A little!” Sunburst spat incredulously.

“And last of all,” Starlight said brightly, completely ignoring her childhood friend, “if you can’t be with the one you love, love an over-sized lollipop.”

“Pinkie does,” Maud said instantly. “Often, and repeatedly.”

“Kinky,” Trixie smirked, prompting a flat glare from the rock farmer.

“Lollipop wins, purely because it’s the least fucked up answer,” Starlight muttered in a bored tone.

Maud blinked and looked back to Starlight, “Oh, that’s mine.”

“And Maud’s now in the lead,” Starlight said brightly. “It looks like our literal dark horse might actually win this game.”

“Not if Trixie has anything to say about it,” Trixie shot, levitating up a black card. She drew herself up and cleared her throat before reading out, “Mr and Mrs Swift, we called you in because we’re concerned about Cloudy. Are you aware that your daughter is blank.”

"A stallion?" Sunburst put in.

“A rock-humping deviant?” Trixie shot, smirking as she glanced sidelong at Maud.

Maud just shrugged, “I haven’t told them. Does your father know you’re the star of your own porn books?”

Trixie’s expression instantly morphed into a dark glower, “He’d better not or I’m going to shove one of my fireworks somewhere where the sun won’t shine. And the same goes for you lot if you tell him!” she added, pointing at the others menacingly. “Now hoof your answers over already!”

The other three quickly complied, none of them particularly willing to test the patience of a lunatic with easy access to copious amounts of high explosives and a talent for making a spectacle.

“It’s about time,” the lunatic in question huffed as she picked up the first card. Reading it silently first, her face cracked into an evil smirk, “Mr and Mrs Swift, we called you in because we’re concerned about Cloudy. Are you aware that your daughter is throwing grapes at a stallion until he loses touch with reality?”

Sunburst gave her a curious look, “What’s so funny about th-” He was interrupted by something bouncing off the side of his head. “What the…? Oh, very funny,” he rolled his eyes and flicked away the offending grape.

Starlight giggled as Trixie picked the next answer, “Mr and Mrs Swift, we called you in because we’re concerned about Cloudy. Are you aware that your daughter is judging everyone?”

“Is she related to anypony we know?” Starlight asked, surreptitiously bouncing another grape off Sunburst’s flank.

“Probably,” Trixie replied half-heartedly. She tilted her head in confusion as she read the next card, “Mr and Mrs Swift, we called you in because we’re concerned about Cloudy. Are you aware that your daughter is Trenderhoof?!”

Sunburst frowned, “That just sounds like bad parenting.”

Starlight smirked, “Because their daughter turned out to be Trenderhoof, or because they didn’t notice?”


“This was a pretty lame round again,” Trixie huffed. She hummed as she considered, levitating the three answers in front of her. “Meh, grapes win,” she decided, flicking another one at Sunburst. “Who had that one?”

“I did,” Sunburst replied. “And I believe that puts me in joint first place with Maud.” Trixie couldn’t suppress a shiver as a sadistic grin flashed across his face, “It looks like you’re not going to win this, after all.”

“There’s still two questions left,” Trixie shot. She tossed the black card at Sunburst and followed up with another grape to the face, earning an indignant splutter in response.

Maud just rolled her eyes as she picked up the next question, “Now at the Canterlot Museum: an interactive exhibit on blank.”

“The connection between a blowjob and liquid ass?” Starlight snarked.

Trixie smirked, “So, what? Just a statue of Maud, or…?”

Sunburst shook his head, “No no, she said it was an interactive exhibit, so it’s probably Maud herself just plonked on a pedestal.”

“As long as Mud Briar isn’t there too. I’d hate to be the janitor if he was,” Starlight shot. “I wonder what they’d call the exhibit. Spurt and Squirt?”

Trixie turned an interesting shade of green at that last part. Maud just shook her head slowly and deadpanned, “You all suck.”

“On occasion,” Starlight said with a coy grin.

“And by on occasion you mean whenever you actually convince a stallion to let you anywhere near their crotch,” Trixie quipped.

“Or get them drunk enough,” Sunburst added, floating an answer over to Maud.

Starlight just pouted as she grumpily flicked a card over too. Trixie’s followed moments later. After a quick shuffle Maud picked up the first and read out, “Now at the Canterlot Museum: an interactive exhibit on throwing a virgin into a volcano.”

Trixie’s ears instantly perked up, “We get to throw Twilight into a volcano?”

“I would love to see you try, Trix,” Starlight replied with a smirk.

“Pfft, please, if that porn stash is as bad as you say it is, I’ll take you up on that,” Trixie retorted, flicking yet another grape at Sunburst.

Ignoring the closet pervert’s indignant squawk, Maud picked out the next answer. , “Now at the Canterlot Museum: an interactive exhibit on mouth herpes.”

“Nice,” Trixie said flatly.

Starlight raised an eyebrow, “So… an interactive exhibit on cold sores? Pass.”

“I agree. It’s hard enough avoiding normal herpes,” Maud replied, getting a snigger from her friends. As she looked at the last card her face almost crumpled, the corners of her mouth coming dangerously close to tilting down. “I think this is one of my top three biggest fears.”

The other three leaned forward eagerly. “What is it?” Starlight whispered loudly.

Maud looked around at them all, held the card up dramatically, and read out in her usual deadpan, “Now at the Canterlot Museum: an interactive exhibit on running out of semen.”

The game was forcibly paused for several minutes afterwards, as three grown unicorns descended into a fit of hysterical laughter. Each time one of them managed to almost get a hold of themselves, they’d glance over at Maud, radiating absolute devastation at the thought of Equestria’s spunk supply running dry, and morph once more into a useless pile of giggling lunacy.

Eventually, once the three little ponies had laughed themselves hoarse (Maud’s Maud Sense™ gave her a sudden urge to bitch-slap someone for terrible use of puns, though she had no idea why), the group managed to pull themselves together.

Maud looked down at the card before delivering her deadpan judgement, “Running out of semen wins.”

No shit!” Starlight snorted as Sunburst and Trixie started giggling again.

“Who had the card?” Maud asked patiently. Trixie just raised a hoof, trying to hold back a laughing snort and failing miserably.

“Wait, seriously?!” Sunburst cried, garnering surprised looks from the others.

“What’s wrong?” Starlight asked.

“That means she has the same number of points as Maud and I!”

Starlight raised an eyebrow, then gasped as she suddenly clicked. “Wait a minute, don’t we only have your question left?”

“So basically this is a showdown?” Trixie put in. “The Great and Powerful Trixie versus a rock fucking cock farmer?”

“Cock fucking rock farmer,” Maud corrected.

“As if you don’t do both!” Trixie shot. Maud paused for a moment, then nodded in agreement. “Either way, it’s not even a contest,” Trixie continued. “This game is mine.”

Starlight grinned evilly. “Unless I get the last point and you, Sunburst and Maud are stuck in a three-way.”

“Three-way tie,” Sunburst added pointedly.

“Eh, either or.”

“No three-ways unless Mud Briar is here too,” Maud countered.

“Wouldn’t that make it a four-way?” Sunburst mused. “Or a five-way if Starlight joined in, too?” His idle orgy-thoughts were interrupted by another grape smacking him in the face.

“Just ask your fucking question already so Trixie can win this,” Trixie growled, levitating another grape menacingly.

Sunburst eyed the grape warily, more out of concern about Trixie’s terrible aim than anything else. The last thing he wanted was to end up Ponyville General with a fruit-related eye injury. Fetching a card before she could make good on her unspoken threat, he cleared his throat before reading it out, “Step 1: Blank. Step 2: Blank. Step 3: Profit.”

There was silence save for the sound of rustling cards as the ponies sifted through their possible answers, each of them glancing shiftily at each other as they did so. Soon enough, the last answers of the game were waiting in front of Sunburst. He hesitated for a moment, staring at them as if they might burn him. “Hold on, if I read these like this I’ll know who’s cards they are. You’re basically asking me to pick which one of you wins!”

“Oh, that’s an easy fix.” There was a bright flash as Starlight cast a spell at the three pairs. “There, I randomly teleported each pair. Now there’s no way you can tell which pair belongs to which mare.”

Sunburst raised an eyebrow at her. “I’m sure there’s a euphemism in there somewhere, but I just can’t think of it.” He shrugged and picked up the first pair. “Oh well, here we go. Step 1: Shiny Objects. Step 2: Preteens. Step 3: Profit.” He frowned and tilted his head at the cards. “That actually sounds disturbingly accurate.”

“Why do you think Trixie is so popular?” Maud quipped.

Trying to hold back a chuckle at the sight of Trixie’s acidic glare, Sunburst ended up almost choking on his own laugh at the sight of the next pair.

“What the heck was that about?” Starlight asked.

Sunburst sighed and shook his head in a resigned manner as he read out, “Step 1: An octopus giving seven hand jobs and smoking a cigarette. Step 2: Free samples. Step 3: Profit.”

Starlight tried to hide her snort with a hoof. “What, is that another friend of Discord’s, or…?”

“Honestly? It’s probably a sound business plan, especially given the sort of degenerates you can find in Equestria these days,” Trixie said with a meaningful look at her companions.

“Hey, I’m not a degenerate, I’m a professional!” Sunburst cried indignantly.

“Professional degenerate, maybe,” Trixie shot.

“Well, then I guess we have something in common,” Sunburst retorted. Trixie opened her mouth to continue their verbal sparring, but he silenced her by holding up the last cards. “Here we go, the last answers of the game.” Starlight and Trixie leaned forward eagerly as he levitated the cards with a flourish. “Step 1: A tiny horse. Step 2: Cuddling. Step 3: Profit.”

Silence reigned for several seconds as the answer slowly percolated through their brains.

“That’s… cute?” Trixie said slowly.

“It’s giving me a combination of diabetes and an existential crisis,” Starlight said flatly.

Sunburst nodded. “Agreed. I hate to say it, but the octo-slut wins.”

BOOM, MOTHERFUCKERS!” Trixie yelled, throwing her hooves into the air. “The Great and Powerful Trrrixie wins again!”

“Shit,” Maud hissed, managing an actual scowl.

Starlight and Sunburst both sighed as Trixie displayed her characteristic brand of humility; fireworks and sparklers crackling and popping as she danced like a complete lunatic.

“Yes, yes, congratulations, Trixie,” Starlight said slowly, and evil grin spreading across her face. “You are officially the most foul and perverted one out of all of us.”

“Wait, what?” Trixie paused in her dancing, barely even noticing as a rogue firework knocked her hat off.

Sunburst stood and stretched, moaning as he felt his joints pop. “Well, I guess that’s over with.” He flicked his hair and gave a lopsided grin. “Now, who’s up for a foursome?” He didn’t even have time to duck as three demented mares pelted him with a deluge of cake and various confections.

As Sunburst slumped to the ground, Trixie noticed a little piece of paper flutter out of his cloak. She recognized it as the one he’d blushed furiously at shortly before she had suffered one of her many stomach upsets of the night, the one he'd burned. Apparently Trixie wasn't the only one capable of misdirection. Glancing at the others, she subtly levitated it over and unfolded it to take a look. “Starlight?” Trixie called out in an even voice.

“Yeah?” Starlight replied, not looking away from Sunburst as he wiped cream off his glasses.

Trixie slowly turned to look at her, triumph once again etched all over her face. “Why did you give Sunburst a picture of you blowing a banana and saying ‘Show me yours and I’ll show you mine’?”

Starlight froze, her face instantly flushing a deep, deep crimson. Her embarrassment was perhaps the reason she didn’t even think to raise shield as another torrential rain of sugary treats introduced itself to her face, knocking her sprawling. Gritting her teeth in furry, Starlight lit up her horn and retaliated, hurling any form of cake or sweet she could find back at Trixie and Maud. Sunburst was quick to join in, and the whole party swiftly descended into a colossal food fight, one that only ended when the four of them lay exhausted and utterly plastered in sticky creamy stuff.

“Now this is what a gangbang looks like,” Maud deadpanned.

The morning after the party, Starlight yawned as she and Trixie made their way out of the caves to Maud’s grotto and emerged into glorious sunshine.

“Didn’t sleep well?” Trixie asked.

“Eh, well enough,” Starlight replied. “What about you?”

“Trixie slept very well, thank you.”

Starlight shot her a sidelong glance, noticing the deep bags under her eyes and the way her head was drooping as she walked. “Are you sure? You look like you’ve barely slept a wink.”

“I’m fine,” Trixie huffed.

Starlight couldn’t help but smirk. “Let me guess, all of your jokes at Princess Luna’s expense caught up with you?”

Trixie snorted and drew herself up to her full height. “Hmph, as if. Besides, even if she did appear, I’ll have you know that the Great and Powerful-”

“Ah, Trixie Lulamoon! I have been searching for you.” The two stopped in their tracks at the sound of the voice, looking ahead to see none other than Princess Luna striding towards them, a determined look and Princess Twilight at her side. “If I may, I have some questions for you regarding last night.”

The kitchen at Sweet Apple Acres filled with the heady aroma of pancakes as Applejack busied herself preparing breakfast for the rest of the family. Quietly humming as she prepared to flip the pancakes, she nearly leapt out of her skin as a shrill shriek tore through the air. “What the hay was that?! Big Mac? Did you catch your bits in the plow harness again?!”

Starlight, Luna and Twilight stood in stunned silence, staring blankly at the cloud of dust Trixie had left in her wake as she galloped for dear life.

Luna sighed sadly. “Alas, it seems I truly have upset her somehow.”

Starlight glanced at her in confusion. “Uh, what do you mean, Princess?”

Luna shook her head. “I wish I knew. I was making my rounds in the dreamscape last night when I noticed that her dreams were particularly disturbed. However, when I entered her dream to attempt to sooth it, her terror only seemed to grow every time she saw me.” She sighed again and looked back in the direction Trixie had sped off. “If only I knew what it was that I had done to terrify her so.”

Starlight snorted, then tried to cover it up with a fake coughing fit as Luna turned to glare at her. “I, er, don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, your highness. She’s just feeling the consequences of her own actions. She’ll calm down eventually.”

“Hmm, if you are sure.” Luna made to turn away, then paused as she spotted something on the ground. “Oh, it appears Miss Lulamoon dropped something.”

Starlight’s heart leapt into her throat as Luna picked up the box of Cards Against Equestria in her magic.

“She must have dropped it when she ran,” Twilight supplied, looking at the box curiously. “What is it?”

“Oh, uh, its nothing!” Starlight cut in quickly. “Its, uh, just a game I borrowed from Sunset for our sleepover. To help with friendly bonding and all that stuff.”

“Truly?” Luna’s face lit up with joy. “Huzzah! Such a game would be the perfect addition for our Princess Summit tomorrow!”

Cold fear gripped Starlight at the thought of all four of Equestria’s princesses playing that game. “Uh, I, um, I really should be getting it back to Sunset Shimmer, you know?” she said, reaching for the game with a hoof.

“Don’t be silly, Starlight,” Twilight giggled. “I’m sure Sunset wouldn’t mind us borrowing it for a little while longer.”
Indeed,” Luna agreed. “Fear not, Starlight, we shall bring the game back in one piece. Farewell!”

Starlight could only watch helplessly as the two princesses took flight and flew away, the game gripped securely in Luna’s magic. Thinking quickly, she decided a spontaneous trip back to Sire’s Hollow might be in order, at least until the Princess Summit was over and the worst of the fallout could be avoided. And if all else failed, and the rulers of Equestria were particularly unimpressed, Starlight did at least have a backup plan ready and waiting.

Blame Trixie.