Detective Jakkid is on a GLOBE TOTTING adventure to solve the murders of the world. He is acompanies by his breatest friends, Twilight and whoever the others are. Will he find out the truth about the crime... and HIMSELF?
Detective jakkid166 might be th greatest detective in the world, but what he ISNT is gonna be found out! Today his past comes back to haunt him when he go back to we do the he has to find out who is causing the murders of the around the world. In this spawling epic he will come across friends and bad not friends and find out if he is truly frothy of his detective title. And also theres ponies like Twilight and stuff. So read it or else you will miss the stunning big part 3 of the DETECTIVE jakkid166 equestria series!
"Aha I capture your Knight that means I win, Detective jakkid166 the greatest detective in the world," said Twilight who was sitting at the other side of the table in her house. We was there because we were playing chess at each other.
"Fuck," said me. "You might think you've won, but for actual, you actually forgot about to not forget about my SPECIAL MOVE!" and I backflipped outta my chair and pulledout my gun and shoot all of Twilights chess pieces off the board.
"Damn" said Twilight "I just cant beat you, youre too good at chess."
"Thats right," I said "To be a good detective after all you have to be good at chess after all. And a detective like me thinks outside the box."
"Is that really true?" said Twilight and I said yes in sign language cause we was both couldn't hear anything right now because of me shooting my gun so much.
"Anyway," said me "What should we do now?"
"I think you should go hang out with Applejack. Or Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie or Rarity or Fluttershy. Or anybody who isnt me."
"Good idea," I said at her. "Ill go do that." so I went over to the front door of her house and tried to push it open but it wouldnt open. "Oh shit" I said.
"What?" said Twilight
"Your door doesnt work. Im gonna have to use my ACE DETECTIVE skills to find this out the problem."
And so I looked at the clues around the door. There was clues on the door, and clues on the window. I picked one of the clues up and it was a footprint on the ground. "Aha" I said, "This footeprint matches my own shoes. This means I walked to the door"
And then I did a big RUN JUMP and landed at the door and tried to open it. "And also the door isnt opening." And then I walked at the window and looked outside. "And finally, its SNOWING A lot outside!" And I walke back to twilight.
"From this I can conclude ONE THING!"
"WHat is it?"
"The door will not open!"
"OH NO!" said Twilight "But if we are snowed in what are we gonna do if we can't leave?"
"I will have to find the source of what might could be possibly making all this snow as fuck," said me and so I RAN AT THE WINDOW and I JUMPED through it and crashed through it and I landed outside in the snow and glass shards.
"PERFECT" I said and I pulleda glass shard out of my face. "Now to solve the mystery."
~ LATER TIME ~
I was walkening throughout the snow blizzard of Ponyville. And it was really cold, so cold especially cause I was only wearing my Detective suit which isnt made for protecting me against deadly snow. But its fine because im a char broiled detective whos tough and dont care about being cold, and besides I could use the detective tools I have to stop myself from becoming cold anyway.
"GO AWAY" I shouted and I pulled out my gun and shot up and shot all the snowflakes that was falling before they could land on me and make me colder. But then I heard a CRASHING FALLING sound from somewhere!
"What the fucking shit was that" I said and I looked around and then in the thick fog distance I saw something. I ran upto it and it was a PONY with WINGS, except it wasn't alive. It was DEAD!
And it was also BLEEDING! It looke like someone shot it.
"Oh my god," I said "Who could have done this?" and so I pulledout my phone and called the Equestria police.
~ LATER AGAIN ~
"Detective jakkid166 what do you think about the crime?" said the reporter TV pony who was interviewening me.
"It is a sad crime" I said smadly. "I dont believe who don'tve done this. But I will catch them at many costs."
And so I got on my snow skateboard and skated back to the crime scene to look at the crime that happened. Twilight and Rarity and Fluttershy and Applejack and Pinkie Pie were there. "Hi Jakkid" said one of them I dont know who it was. "Are you gonna solve the crime?"
"Maybe," said me and then I began to wept tears of distrorrow. "How coulde anyone possibly murder an innocent poney? I will find who done this or else my name is detective jakkid166."
And so I looked at the crime scene to see if I could look at the crime scene. But the only evidence was the pony's body and cause it was still snowing she was got all buried in snow so I couldnt examine the body. But still the snow was gotten all stained red from the blood leaking out of her and it was looked like a movie poster which was kinda cool.
"Im gonna have to interrogate some witnesses," I said to the dead pony. So I looked around at anyone who mighta seen the crime happen. I saw there was one pony looking out a window at me so I got in my car and drove it and crashed it into something and I went flying out tha windshield and through the window the pony was looking out of and I landed next to him.
"HI PONY WHAT ARE YOU DOING" I said and I looked around and we were in a bar and he was an alcohol.
"Im drinking beer," said the alcohol "What do you want?"
"Im here to ask you some questions about the crime you saw." and I took out my handy dandy notebook. "What did the killer look like?"
"Snow"
"And what did the pony who died look like?"
"Snow"
"And what else did you see outside where the pony died?"
"Snow"
"Thank you this is valuble information," I said and I walked back out the window.
I walked back at the crime scenery with where the was Twilight and her friends and I was disappointed cause the guy didnt give me any good info mations. "God damn the fuck", I said loudy when I got to Twilight. "This investivigation is gonna be harder than I thought. But then I noticed something: There was POLICE TAPE around the body and there was POLICE CARS everywhere!
"What the fuck," said me "Why is there police at a crime scene?"
BUT THEN a police car drove in front of me and stopped and a GUY got out. He was wearin sunglasses and had detective clothes too except his tie was made out of american flag instead of mine which was made out of blue.
"No.... Not you...." I said, coursing the earth I had my feet on.
"Who is that?" asked Twilight because it was hard to see through all the snow on her eyes.
"That is my ARCH NEMESIS... the second greatest detectiv in the world... DICK AMERICA!"
"AHOOHA" laughed the dick "Oh hello detective jakkid166 the worst detective in the world what are you doing here?"
"Im here to investigate the CRIME!" I said angerly. "What are YOU doing here?"
"Too bad," said him "Im the one investigating this here crimer scene and you're not gonna solve the crime yet 'cause I will first."
"Shut the fuck your face" I shouted at him. "Im the one who FOUND the BODY! That means I should investigate it. And it cant be investigated anyway cause its covered in snow"
"Yeah well we did a way better job of investigating, cause we use a special tool to uncover the snow from the body. Its a SHOVEL!"
"I dont care about your high tech special detective gadgets," I said. "Just let us investigate the CRIME or else I will not investigate it."
"Nope" said him "Police ponies please remove Jakkid from the crime scene" he said, and then we was removed from the crime scene.
"And dont come back or ill arrest you," said America.
"What the hell im a detective I can't be arrested." said me.
"Oh yeah darn. But i'll still solve it first."
"You have got to be fuckidding me" said me "Man I really hate that guy. I bet he's the true killer"
"Its okay jakkid," said Twilight "There will always be more cases to solve."
"Yeah I guess," I said and then we went to go to someplace else to do something else.
While we walked I pulle out a big violin and started playing sad music on it (cause i took violin music lessons) and I went over to a trash can and jumped into it.
"Why are you in the trash detective?" said Twilight.
"Because imma garbage detective," I said and I had a banana peel on my head.
"No youre not a garbage detective, even if your case got stollen from you. If you want I can go murder someone so youll have a case to solve."
"Thats nice Twilight but no thanks." and I got outta the trash but then I SAAW something in the distance. I pulled out my detective telescope and looked at it because it was weird. "Holy SHIT twilight!"
"WHAT IS IT JAKKID" Twilight screamed in my ear.
"LOOK" I said and she wanted to look through the telescope but she couldnt cause there was only one looking hole. So instead she looked at the other end to see the reflection of my eye that showed what I was seeing.
"What the fuck?" said Twilight "What is THAT?"
And the CLOOOOOUDS was getting really big and swirly and cloudy and biggy and swirly. And then LIGHTNING STRUCK FROM ABOVE and there was a VOICE saying words at me.
"Detective jakkid166" said the voice "If you do not solve the CRIIIIIME then the WOOOOORLD WILL EEEEEEEND."
"Whaaaaaat?" I said loduly. "What do you mean"
But then it was gone. "Shit" I said "How am I gonna do this? I cant let the world end, if that happens ill get really mad."
"You gotta solve the crime jakkid!" said Twilight.
"Shit you right," I said. "But we gotta find out how we can investigate without getting caught.
"Wait a minute" said Pinkie Pie "I have an idea, how about we uses DISGUISES?"
"Good Idea Pinkie" said me
~ LATER ~
Me and Twilight and Pinkie and whoever else were gone back to the crime scene and we was all dressed like TV reporters. I walked up to Dick America and talked to him.
"Hello Dick America can I give you a TV interview please?" and cause Dick was really stuck up and stupid about himself he said yes. "Yes," He said. And so he walked up to where I was but then I PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE and knocked him out. "Wow that was easy." I said.
"Alright now lets investigate," said Twilight. We all went to look at the body of who it was that died and we were all shocked at who it was that was died and we were investigating.
Me and Twilight and Pinkie and Rarity and Applejack were all was standing there looking at the dead pony that was Rainbow Dash and who was also a pegasus who was blue and had rainbow hair and also was the element of loyalty. And is also a pegasus.
"Aw fuck," I said at the body. "She dead. Thats not good."
"Oh NOOOOOOOO!" said Twilight "Not RAINBOW DASH! How coulde she have died?!"
"Yeah how are we suposed to do the elements of harmonarmony now?" said Pinkie Pie.
"I dunno." said me.
"Well shit," said Applejack. "Now we gotta find out who killed Rainbow dash. And then we can beat THEM with the elements of harmony!"
"But we cant do the elements if Rainbow is dead!" said Twilight. "Hey Jakkid do you wanna be the new element of loyalty?"
"Nah no thanks." I said.
"Oh okay"
I went to the body and investigated it some and I got sad at rainbow being dead. "ALAS! Poor rainbow, she died doing what she loved best: being alive."
But then Rarity saw somethign in the snow. "What the what is this?" said Rarity and she pulled out a bullet out of the snow.
"What the fuck I'M THE DETECTIVE IM SUPPOSED TO FIND THE CLUES! PUT IT BACK" I shouted at Rarity. So she put the bullet back in the snow.
Actually Twilight delete that part when you put it on fimfiction for me thanks.
"Hey wait a minute theres something in the snow" I said and I reached in the snow and pulled out a bullet. "This looks like a BULLET!"
"Wow!" said the mane 5 ponies at my astonishing revelation.
"This is an important clue" I said and I put the bullet in my court record.
"But," I said thinkingly "How could a bullet be related to a murder where a pony got shot?"
"I dont know," said Twilight. "But we've gotta figure out whose gun the bullet came from!"
"Good idea," I said me. "Its a good thing I brought my RIFLING MARKS DETECTING STATION!" and I pulle that out of my briefcase and set it up.
"What are rifling marks?" asked Applejack because she is an idiot.
"Rifling marks are like the fignerprints of a gun. With them you can tell WHAT GUN the BULLET came from!"
And so I put the bullet in the machine and it made a bunch of whirry whoogy machiniwinish drrdrrfgmm BrOOOOOP noises and it printed out a piece of paper. I grabbed the piece of paper and read it really hard. "Wait a minute" I said "This says the bullet came from MY gun!"
"WHAT?! Does that mean YOU killed her?" said Twilight and she made her fur stand up on end to look more big and intimidating.
"No I didnt" said me because I wasnt intimidated cause I'm a fearless detective. "This is stranger. I wasnt doing anything that could make somebody get shot when she died."
"Then what WERE you doing?"
"Well I was gone to find out why it was snowing so much. And I was shooting my gun a lot and stuff. And also I was walking." I said. "Wait that's IT! My WALKING had to be connected to the murder somehow!"
"But how?" said Rarity.
"Simplementary," I said really condesendingly. "Stastistly speaking, whenever someone dies on earth theres usually someone somewhere who is walking. This means that from me walking, the chance of a pony dying became a lot bigger."
"I dont understand these things you saying." said Twilight.
"Well thats just one theory. I have ANOTHER theory too which is this one: What if someone saw me walking by and tried to FRAME me for MURDER?"
"GAAAASP" gasped the gasp "But who would do that?"
But just then DICK AMERICA woke up! He sat up and looked around and said "What the fuck? Jakkid why are you here? You're a detective youre not supposed to be investigating."
"I figured out new information on the CASE!" I said smuggingly. "And you ain't gonna be really solving it first unless you can find more info too."
"Oh shit," said America "Hey jakkid I'll pay you money to give me new info on the case. Detective jakkid166 is a loose cannon."
"No," I said loyally. "Detective jakkid dont take bribes. Unless its a LOT of money, like maybe 2 hundred dollars."
"God dammit" said America "Im gonna have to take more drastic measure." And he took a phone out and talked into it. "Yes master it is time for plan B."
"What the hell is plan B?" I said, but then all of a sudden the GROUND started getting really SWIRLY. The clouds turned into WATER VAPOR and there was a big FLASH of a little bit of light and then DICK AMERICA and the CRIME SCENE were gone!
"SHIT!" I said. "He STOLE the CRIME SCENE! Now he can investigate it all he wants without us interfering in it."
"Wait a minute" said Twilight and she sawed a note on the ground that was left from where Dick America was standing. I picked it up and read it. And it said:
Dear Dick America:
You cannot let Jakkid solve the case or else the world will end. Also the world will end if jakkid reads this note so dont let him do that.
From ???
"Woah," I said loudly. "Who is question marks person? It could be anyone. What if its GOD?"
"No its not," said Rarity who was an atheist.
"But what does that mean?" said Twilight "If you solve the case the world will end? I thought the world end if you DON'T solve it."
"Well who am you gonna trust, god or some guy who talk through the clouds and sky?"
"I think thats the same thing."
"HMMMM" I said "God is testing my faith, I must persevere." And I pointed my finger really dramatically and the camera zoom in on my face. "WE HAVE TO FIND DICK AMERICA!"
"Thatsa good question" I said and I pushe the glasses into my face to look big harder at the investigation. "Its gonna take all my detectiving skills to solve this crolve, I think I gotta take a drink of water first" And so I grabbed Rainbow Dash and threw her body into my car. "Come on guys we gotta see if Twilight has a spell in he house that could help us."
So I backflipped into my drivers seat and shouted "DRIVE, MOTHERFUCKER"
And so we all got into my detective car (which is in Equestria now) and I drove it to Twilights house. I crashed through her doors and drive up her staircase and into her library room with all her books. I parke the car in her kitchen and all of us went to look for spells except for Rainbow Dash because she is dead.
"Wait a minute," I said "Actually earlier I palanted a tracking device on Dick America when I pat him on the back earlier because that happened. So I can track him with this GPS" I said and I pulled out the GPS and it sayed that Dick America was in whatever the pony version of Istanbul is.
"But thats like 3 billion miles away!" said Twilight "How are we gonne get there in time?"
"We'll have to go super fast, thankfulley I installed nitro gas in my car." So we all jumpe back in my car and I drove it out of Twilights house and we was on the way to Dick America.
I turned on the radio and put in a CD of Bong Jovi and sung along it.
"Aww yeah HERE i GO aGAIN on my OWN" I sang except I wasent on my own I was with Twilight and the others.
We was all rockin out to the good music except Rarity because she is an atheist and doesnt believe in Rock and Roll. We was driving down the grass fields of Equestria and it was like a cool road trip except theres no roads. But that also means theres no cars and no driving laws so I can do what I want.
"Holy crap Jakkid" said Twilight "Youre going like 166 fast!"
"Yeah thats cause my name is jakkid166 so I only always go 166 miles per hour." But all of a sudden I got DISTRACTED by Twilight talking to me so I didnt see we was going up a hill!
"JAKKID LOOK OUT!" Shouted Rainbow but it was too late. The car droved up the hill and we went FLYING in the air and everyone was screaming like "ahhh AHHH ah AHHHH OHH NOO wawAWAWAAAA we gonna DIIIIEEEE" But I was prepared. I steered the car in midair so it only landed on one of its wheels so it only broke that wheel and we finally stopped on the ground. I went and got the spare tire outta the back of the car and changed the tire and we were good and we kept going.
"Jakkid you need to pay more attention" said Twilight "Your brain is full of idiot."
"Sorry" said me and they all forgave me or something.
After more driving we made it to our first stop: Filladelphia. It was a city that was big, and was also a city. We went into the city and walked a lot and was on the streets that was between the buildings that was built in the city probably a long time ago. We decidee to stop and get some food at a place that could be a restaraunt.
"Hmm lets see where should we eat?" I said looking at all the libraries and electronics stores "So many optiones."
"Maybe you should eat in hell"
"I dont know that doesnt- WAIT WHO SAID THAT?" And I turned around and there was a GUY there, I think.
The dude was wearing samurai and He was looking really bad and ass. Just from that I looked at him, I could tell he was a bad guy.
"What is your name and why are you here" I said cautiousingly.
"I am Heertu Killu. I am here to kill you"
"Shit"
And then the guy ran at me and swang his sword but he forgot to hit me with the sharp part so it didnt hurt me that much. I pulled out my gun but the guy use his sword to chop it up and it became into pieces.
"What the fuck" I said "Thats not fair you have skill. Thats cheating"
"Yea well I'm a bad guy I can cheat all I want" He said and he prepared his KILLING BLOW
But then Twilight punched him in the magic and he went Flying into a store that was by the near us. He came back out with some groceries he bought and said "Oh hey thanks for reminding me I had to get milk today. Since you helped me I dont wanna kill you anymore. Bye" and he left.
"But why did the guy wanna kill us?" said Aplpejack.
"I think he was hired by Dick America to stop us. Man I hate that guy" I said "We gotta kill him or something. Or put him in jail."
"Well its a good thing the us managed to beat him, or else we mightve been cutted like your gun was." said Pinkie
"No my guns fine" said me and I put it back together. "He only cut it into the pieces that you normaly take it apart into. Hes a very precise sword guy."
"Well now what" said Twilight.
"Im still hungry" I said because I didnt forget about it this time. So we went into the grocery store and got out and had lots of food with us to eat the way there.
"Why dident they have burgers in there?" I said "Detective jakkid166 eats burgers. And also food"
"Well we better get back to the search for Dick America," said Twilight. So we all got in my car and kept driving to find him.
We was all going in the car and my radio was playing music that was so good. But the music was so good that I accidentally started breakdancing while driving the car
"Jakkid pay attetion to the road" said Rarity.
"OH right sorry." and I got back in my seat. "Wait we're not in a road. Theres no roads in Pony world."
But then we stopped at a stop sign that was there for some reason.
"Why is there a stop sign?" I said comfusedly.
"I dont know jakkid but just be pateient and wait for it to turn green," said Applejack.
"Okay." I said and we waited for a while. But then we heard a SOUND other than the car making car sounds.
"Who does there?" I said and I got out my gun and looked around. But then a GUY came out of the bushes!
"Who Are yYou?" I said at him.
"My name is Assassins Creed. I'm here to murder you all!"
"No youre not."
"Oh okay" he said and he left.
Finally the stop sign turned green and we kept driving. "I wonder why people keep trying to murder us," I said. "Whoever is hiring them must be rich and also have a lot of money. I think its DICK AMERICA whos hiring them!"
"But" said Twilight "Doesnt Dick America use earth money?"
"No hes from Australia" I said.
"Oh okay"
Finally the all of us appeared at the next town that was a good town: It was called Appaloosa and it was a town that was filled with ponies and dirt.
"We better stop and rest here guys," I said leaderly "So we can be well rested for tomorrow."
So I park my car at the hotel but since it doesnt have a parking lot I had to park it in the lobby and all the ponies looked at it and was in awe at how cool my car looked. All of us bought a room (but it was realy expensive cause we neede a room with 7 bedrooms) and we went up there to sleep in the room for the night. When we got up there I sit on the couch and turne don the TV and but there was something WRONG!
Suddenly the guy from earlier appear on the TV and he said "Detective Jakkid your detective mind tricks wont work on me this time. I will kill you if its the first thing I do"
"Oh yeah? What if I pay you more money than Dick America to kill us?"
"No dice jose," said Assassin "Im not being paid in money. Im being paid in CASH!"
"SHIT!" I said and then the guy JUMPED OUT OF THE TV and he pulled out his gun and I pulled mine out and we shot a bunch of bullets at each other but we both missed. And since we was out of ammo we started sword fighting with our guns instead. Us two locked guns and the guy leane in real quick and said "Detective Jakkid166 I know the secret of who your Father is."
"WHAT!" I shouted and I break gun lock and aim my gun at him. "Tell me the secret!"
"Sorry but if you kill me you lose the secret forever."
"Then what do we do"
And then the guy grabbed Pinkie Jack and hold herhostage. "I kill all of you so you cant solve the crime."
"Ah but thats where you wrong" I said and I wagged my finger a bunch.
"What"
"If you kill us we will just become ghosts, and if were ghosts we can still go there and investigate."
"NOOOOOOOO!" shoute the Guy and he was about to Shoot Pinkie but I did a backflip onto his head and kicked him in the head and his gun fell into the sink and he walked over to the sink and accidentally pressed the garbage disposal and his gun was shreds. But it wasnt over! He grabbed a knife out of the garbage and aimed it at me.
"So what" I said "You gonna kill me now? If you do that ill become even more powerful"
"Not if I kill you two times." and he Threw the knife at me but I kickedit back at him and it ZOOM past him and he dodges it but he was distracted so I tackled him into the next room. I had my gun and I said "Tell me the secret NOW!"
"Sorry Jacked but you have beaten me, but you will not get my info mation." And suddenly he ate one of his teeth.
"What are you doing" I said
"Im eating my poison tooth pill. I think that was the wrong tooth though. Dammit I forget which one it was" and he started eating all his teeth trying to find the pill. Finally he found it and he ate it and his mouth got all worthy and he died.
"Goddammit!" I said "He musta had the poison tooth pills like in the spy movies. How can I get the secret if he disalived himself?"
So I walked out of the room and Twilight said "Did you learn the secret of your father?"
"No," I said "He was about to but got assassinated by himself before he could finish talking."
"Well that sucks," said Rarity.
"Yeah it is," I said. "Oh well. We better go to bed soon."
"I agree" said me. "We gotta be prepared for tomorrow. Anything can happen in the warld of Equestria"
But then Twilight was investigating the guy dead body and she said "Hey Jakkid look at dis"
So I went over there and she showed me it and it was the guys wallet. He had money in it and the money said it was paid to him from DICK AMERICA!
"I knew it" I shmouted "That bastardly villain. I will arrest him in the name of the law"
"But detectives cant be arrested," said Twilight.
"Oh right. Well then I'll put him in jail without arresting him first."
"Good idea!" said Applejack and we buried the dead guy in the living room because he was died of honor. I salute his body because he is respectable fighter. "Now then, it is the time for bed," I said and we went to sleep.
When I was in the sleep that night, I had a dream about stuff. It was a weird dream cause it had weird stuff like me in it and I was in a castel. But then I heared a voice behind me.
"Detective jakkid166," siad the voice, so I turned around and I was SHOCKED at what I saw! It was PRINCESS LUNA.
"Oh shit Luna are you here to talk to me in my dream and give me important infomation?" I said. I could tell she was here cause of important reasons.
"Yes." said Luna. "I am here to tell you that I am in your dream and im talking to you in your dream now."
"Holy shit" I said and I waked up. Twilight was awake too and was like "Did you sleep good Jakkid?"
"Yeah," I said "Did you know Princess Luna talked to me in me dreams last night? She told me super good important information that will help our case solving."
"Wow really?" said Twilight who was shocked and wondered. "What di she say?"
"I dont remember." I said and I got out of bed and pointed to the door. "Anyway BACK TO THE ADVENTURE!" So we all got in my car and we drove outta the hotel room and down the elevator and out of the hotel and bacccck onto the road. Life is a highway and I was drivin on it ALL DAY LONG
I was also getting thristy and so I pulledout a bottle and drinked stuff out of it.
"What are you drinking jakkid?" said Twilight.
"Its a new special detective energy drink," said me. "Its called Dick Juice."
I was gotten bored while driving so much though so I pulle dout my playstation PSP and started playing Supre Mario World on it cause I jailbroked it to play emulaters on it. Finally while we was driving some more we made it to the next place: The Grand Chapel Churche of Equestreia.
"Sweet" I said as I crashed the car into a tree "Now lets go look for more clues."
All of us went into the chappal and Twilight asked "Jakkid why do we need to be here?"
"Cause I gotta ask the pony pope if for guidance, and also to buy more ammo for my gun from him."
So we all went into the chapel and there was lots of ponies paraying to god and stuff and so we had to be really quiet, so we made sure to walk on the air instead of th ground. We got to the back of the church and I knocke on the door of the Pony Pope's office, but there asent any response.
"oh NO!" I Shouted. "That must mean he's DEAD!"
"What" said Twilight "What if hes just not here?"
"Oh yeah youre right." And then I opened the door and the pony pope was dead. "OH GOD DAMN IT"
"Are you seriousing me?" said Rarity "Why does there so much murder today?"
"Hmm," I said looking at the body to investigate detectively. "Whats weird about this is he's dead but he doesnt have any blood. This means he wasent shot or stabbed."
"But what does that mean?" said Twilight.
"It means THIS!" I said and I jumpe out of the shadows and STAB TWILIGHT IN THE ARM LEG
Except that actually wasnt me who did that it was another guy who wasn't me and was a bad guy who was wearin Cowboy outclothes.
"OW!" said Twilight and her blood was coming out of her leg all ovre the floor and so she was picking it back up and putting it back in her leg hole.
"Oh great another bad guy to fight" I said "Dude can you leave us alone please"
"What" He said "But I want to fight you. Partner"
"No"
"Why not?"
But I was CAUGHT HIM BY SURPRISE! I reache over to his face and punched it with MY face and he was stoggered back and hit the desk and walked desk. "OW!" He said "Okay good now I can fight you partner."
"Not so fast" I said and I pulle my gun out. "tell me the answer. Who is Dick America working for and who is my father?"
But the guy pulle out a lasso and I shot my gun as a waraning shot but he lassoed the bullet out of midair and threw it back at me and I had to backflip out of the way of the bullet and it went into Twilight's leg and made it even more bleeding.
"What the fuck?" I said "Okay murdering a pony is one thing, but shooting them is WORSE!" I threw my gun away and I craped my knuckles. "Lets do this Texas style" I said like engineer.
So the guy tryed to lasso my neck and he got the lasso on my arm and pulled me toward him and punched me in the face and tha force with the lasso pull and the face fist punch combined and made it double hurt. But when he did that his hand smashed my glasses and the galss shards went in his hand and he was bleeding and distracted so I elbow him in the intestines and suplex him onto the desk and broke it in half.
But he got up and pulle a revolver out of his shoe and tried to shoot me but his gun was a old sucky old west gun. He tryed to pull the trigger but I put my finger in the gun barrel and the gun couldnt shoot, so he instead he took apart the gun and re built it in my hand and made me shoot at myself with it but I missed on purpose.
"That does it" I said and I was about to pull my big epicer punch into his nuts but instead he fell asleep. "What the fuck" I said and I looked at Twilight who was used a magic spell to make him fall asleep.
"I used a magic spell to make him fall asleep" said Twilight.
"Oh." I said. "Shit I was having fun fighting him." So I put handcufes on the guy so that he would get arrested by the other pneys in the church, but then I sawe in his pocket something.
I pulede out the thing in his pocket and it was a NOTE! It said:
Dear cowboy guy
Dick America is on his way to help u kill the ponies and jakkid. He will intersept them before they get to me. Also Detective jakkid if youre reading this letter ignore it.
from Father
"FATHER?" I said. "Who the hock could that be? I don't know"
"Idk jakkid," said Applejack. "We better go though. If we don't get to outside it will be dark inside too."
But then we all heard SOUND! and also aNOTHER SOUND!
"What was that" I said and I turned around and I SCREAMED! "AAHHH! A GHOST!" I said and I jumped under the desk and was abot to shoot myself out of fear but Twilight took me gun away.
"Jakkid stop, its just Rainbow Dash" she said.
"What?" I said and the ghost was Rainbow Dash.
"Hey guys" said Rainbow Dash ghost.
"Oh right I forgot about ghosts." I said. "Hey Rainbow how are you enjoyeing being dead?"
"Its cool cause I dont gotta eat anything or drink anything or poop or pee or do taxes."
"Rainbow youre ALIVE!" said Twilight "Except youre a ghost. Which is the same thing as being alive anyway, except youre dead."
"You wana help us solve the crime of how you got murderered?" asked me.
"Sure" said Rainbow. But then the cowboy guy WOKE UP!
The guy took out his gun again and SHOT IT but he missed and hit RAINBOW DASH instead!
"WHAT" I said and Rainbow Ghost fell into my arms and she was dying. Twilight made the guy fall asleep again but it wa too late, Rainbow was being dying.
"Rainbow spalk to me" I said.
"No I can't I'm dead." said Rainbow Ghost and she died.
"SHIT" I said but then, rainbow woke up again. But this time as a ACTUALLY ALIVE PONY! And she was okay and not shot.
"What?!" said Rarity "How did that happen?"
"Well its cause when you die you become a ghost" said me. "But if you die when youre a ghost then you come back to life."
"Oh yeah I forgot about that." said Pinkie Pie.
"Sweet the gang's all back together" I said, and I pulle a new pair of glasses out of my pocket. "Now, lets go SOLVE THE MYSTERY OF RAINBOW'S MURDER ONCE AND FOR ALL!"
~ BUT AT THE SAME TIME! ~
"Dick America I see you have investigated very well." said a mystery person who I dont tell you the name of yet.
"Yes master" said Dick America "I will beat Detective Jakkid166 or else he will beat me."
"Good." said him "But be careful, he may be tray you."
"I am prepared." said America and he pulle out his gun "To do whatevre it takes to make your plan come to fruit, your honor."
I knew we had to hurry so I picked myself up and threw myself out the window into my car and th rest o fus went into the car too.
"Okay multiple ponies of harmony, we're almost at Pony Istanbul," I said lookeing at my GPS that tracked where Dick America is. "Its a good thing I installed google maps"
"More like google craps," said Rainbow.
"Why do you say that," I said but then I saw I was actually going a BAD PATH! And we were going at a CLIFF!
"OHHHHH SHIT" I said and I grabbed the Car Anchor and dropped it ouside the car but it caught on somethign and the car stopped INSTANTLY and all o us went flying out the car and the six mane ponies went at the edge of the cliff but I went flying over them and started to go over the cliff.
"AAAAGH Hey Twilight can you help me please" I said as I was falling off the cliff.
"Oh shit, okay," said Twilight and she grabbed my hand to stop me from falling. "Damb it jakkid you're too heavy!"
"Twilight DONT LET ME FALL!" I shouted and I looked down at the ground that was like 500 feet downways.
"I canot hold ON!" said Twilight and my hand slippe from her grippe
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" I said as I was falling 500 feet and then i HIT THE GROUND!
I got back up and dust myself off "Dammit Twilight you idiot now we all have to split up. Ill try and find a way back up"
"Okay," said Twilight.
So I eyed around the place and sterted to walk around a lot. I noticed that the place wasn't trees anymore, but instead it was really sand and desert. "Where the fuck did I fall into?" I said but then I got to a town and the ponies in it were ponies.
"Holy shit!" I said. "I fell into Pony Istanbul!"
And so I did a special detective victory dance thats only taught to detectives, and then I pulled out my phone GPS again. "Sweet I am almost at Dick America. Hes even right behind me right now!"
But then something SMACKED ME IN THE HEAD AND I GOT KOCKED OUT
_ LATER TIME _
"Uggggh" I said and I woke up and I wa in a prison cellcage and I was only had been awake for like 2 seconds cause I only just woke up right now.
But then there was someone standing out my CAGE! And I looked and it was
DICK AMERICA
"YOU jastard!" I spitted words out my mouth at him angerly. ""What did you do?!"
"Haha," said Dick America "Hello Detective jakkid166. It looke like you really are the worst detective in the world. YOu didnt even deduce I was behind you."
"How was I suposed to know you were behind me" I said. "I dont have eyes in my ass"
"Well too bad," said America. "Now you gonna have to sit back and watch while you beloved Pony World gets destroyed into not existing."
"Course you" I cursed him mad. "But what about Twilight and the others?"
"They will die when the world ends."
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" I said and I slammed the cage bars with my face so much that my nose broke and blood starte coming out of my nose and going all over my face.
"Dont bother jakkid" said America but for some reason he looked sad. "Here use this napkin to clean yourself"
"I dont need it" I said and I threwe the napkin at him and the napkin hit him and knocked him on the ground.
"OOF" said America. "Dammit, you tearsonous dolpe!"
So I RIPPED the BLOOD off my face and said "Dick America I will stop you and father if it is the LAST THING I DO!"
"Your last thing you do will be carying in agoney as you get erased from exist," said America. And he leafed the room.
"Dammit" I said and I pulled out m yphone and called Twilight. "Hey Twilight are you there?"
"Oh hello Detective jakkid166 the greatest detecitve in the world what are you calling me about?"
"Dick America ARRESTED ME" I saided into the phone loudly but not too loudly or else America would hear us.
"What? But detectives cant be arrested" said Twilight.
"Yea but he has TOO MUCH POWER! You gotta come beat him!"
"But where are you right now" said Twilight.
"I dont know, im in some kind of parison cell."
"A prison cell? But theres no prisons in Equestria other than that big one called Tater Tots or something."
"It must be a ILLEGAL PRISON!" I said. "That means I can ARREST THEM! But I need to escape first. You guys gotte come find me"
"But how?"
"Hmmmm" I said and I thought really hard. "Oh i GOT IT! you gotta use the find my iphone app to find my phone and it will lead you to me."
"But jakkid you use a Galaxy S7 Edge phone."
"Fuck" I said. "Well try it anyway Im gonna figure out if I can escape." And I hong up.
I looked around at me prison cell and looked around at my prison cell and looked around my prison cell and I saw on the wall there was the KEYS! I tried to reach them and i ALMOST did but they were like 20 feet away so I couldent quite get them. So i tried to use my DETECTIVE TELEKINESIS powers to retreeve them but that didnt work either because I dont actually have those.
"God dammit"
~ MEAN WHILE ~
Dick america was wented up to the Father Master person and talked to him again. "Father, I have captured Detective jakkid166."
"Perfect" said Father "Our plan is almost in Motion. You just need to set the shit in motion like a man in motion."
"Very well." said America and he went back to the cell I was in.
"What the fuck do you want, Penis Australia," I said because I was making up names for him cause I didnt like him.
"Detective jakkid, I have a cofnession to make" said America.
"What is it?"
"I AM YOUR FATHER!"
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!" I said and I screamed so hard my throat almost fall out my mouth. "NO THAT CANNOT BE!"
"It is true, idiot," said America and he handed me the keys. "I am actually a spy on Father, and want to foil his plans. Now let us escape and beat him as dad and dad's kid"
"Alright then dad" I said and I unlocked my cell. Me and America ran back to the throne room but then I got ELECTRIFIED but it was also really hot!
"SHIT!" I said and I looked at america and he was holding a LAVA TASER!
"BUt why did you do this dad?" I said and I fell on the ground.
"Hahaha" said Father who was on his throne. "You fool, Dick America is not your dad."
"WHAT?"
"Its true" said America. "I just wante to trick you to get you in here to this room easier."
"Also," Father said, "I am the one who murdered Rainbow Dash to frame you for it."
"YOU SHIT POOPER!" I said and I ran at him but he had the lava taser so I couldnt attack him. "Dammit, the things I can do is not a lot!"
"Damn right," said America and he pulled out his phone. "Once I make this phone call all will be set in motion"
"Wait a minute," I said pointing at him dramaticaly.
"What"
"Is that a iphone?"
"Yeah."
"Ha," I laughed with my hands on my hip. "You fool."
Just then TWILIGHT and her FRIENSD brust thropugh the WALL and landed in fronta me. "JAKKID we found your phone!" Twilight said.
"Perfect," I said. "Now that I have Twilight and friends you are no match for me."
"But you see jakkid," said America. "This was our plan all along."
"WHAT?!?!?!???!!??"
And then FATHER pressed a button on his throme and there was a ELECTRICITY field and all the ponies got trapped in it!
"Perform thextraction now" said Father.
"Very well" said America and he pressed a button on his phone and the electricity field ELECTRIFIED and suddenly the ELEMENTS OF HARMONY got extracted outta the mane 6s booty marks!
"Shit!" I said.
"Yes I agree," said America. "We are gonna harness the power of the elemets of harmony to DESTROY THE WORLD!"
"But why?" I said.
"Because ponies is for little girls," said Father "And little girls do not exist. They are a myth"
"wait what" I said. "Thats not true what the fuck do you talk about?"
"Silence" said America and he jabbed me with the lava taser and it gave me a electricity burn on my arm. "Dont try to stop us or we will kill you to death."
I was manegry at him but I couldnt do anything. I looked at Twilight and said "Twilight what in fuck do we do now?"
"I don't know," said Twilight. "We are doomed to death"
"Alright America you can do ur thing now I'm gonna go into the new world so I dont get blown up. Have fun killing everyone" said father and he opened a portal with his magic that he has and went in it and th portal closed.
"Shit" I said and America put tthe elements into the doomsday bomb that was gonna erase the world away. A count down began on it that said 60 seconds.
"Once I press dis button," said America, "The countdown cannot ever stop. The world wille nd in 60 seconds from when the button is pressed"
I was outa options. I decided I have to use the power of WORDS to beat him!
I threw my hand to the ground. "Alright Dick America you win."
"Hell yeah I do."
"But is there anythign I can give you to make you not press the button?"
"hmmmmm" said America. "Yeah there is one thing."
"What is it?"
"If you quit being a Detective forever."
"NO!" I sand angrily. "I will never stop detectiving!"
"But why?"
"Because" I said and I struck a pose of drama. "Detective is the most important job. Without it the criminals would get away. If I wasnt a detective, there would be less detectives like me in th world to make saure the criminals recieve justice! Us detective should not work AGAINST each other, we should work AT GOOD each other!"
Dick America thoughte about it for a second. "Shit" He said. "Youre right."
"Yeah I am" I said.
"Its a good thing I didnt press that button huh?" said America and he laughed some.
"Yeah it was that woulda been bad. Okay lets give the elemets of harmony back to the mane 6 ponies." I said and I pressed the button and the electric field went down.
"Yeah that sounds cool," he said. So we went to the machine but then I TRIPPED ON MY OWN HEAD and I FELL ONTO THE START BUTTON and PRESSED IT! and then the countdown started downcounting.
"Oh" I said. "Shit. Thats not good."
"oohhhh my GOD are you FUCKING SERIOUS?" said Twilight. "Detective jakkid I am going to make sure you get fired after this."
"IT WASNT MY FAULT, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!"
But just then Father came back thruugh the portal. "Hey America you takin too long to join me in my world that only has me in it."
"Yeah I am" said America. "Because I am not work for you anymore! In fact, I ALWAYS hated you and was gonna be tray you before hand!"
"Wait what" said me. "So I didnt actually convince you? You were already good?"
"Yeah I just thoughte this was a good time to reveal Im actually a good guy."
"oh"
And so he and I and Father and everyone were there and Fatehr was really mad. "Dick America you limey fuck" said him. "I will make sure you get blown up too."
"But we only have 60 seconds to fight you so do it fast" said Twilight.
So we was all at a FACE OFF! We didnt know who was gonna make the FIRST MOVE so we all didnt know what to do and it was really awkward. But then Father jumped at us and tried to Punch us and he missed and Dick america kicked him in the beard and it hurt him a lot so we Double Teamed him and punched him a bunch in the face.
But
But father decided he wasnt gonna let us win so he pulled out lightning bolts out of his pockets and throwe them at us. We both dodged them and then Twilight flew at him and blasted magic at him and knocked him into the wall. Dick America went to Father to arrest him but then Father had a KNIFE and he knifed him in the stomach!
"SHIT" said me and I ran to Dick. "STAY WITH ME AMERICA!"
"Dont worry about America you gotta save Equestria," said Dick.
So I dropped Dick and looked at Father. I pointed at him real big and dramatic in his face. "Father, I am Detective jakkid166... and you are UNDER ARREST!"
"No I'm not" He said and he pulled out his dimension portal remote and opened a portal and went in it and the portal closed.
"Oh." I said. "Shit"
"WHAT NOW?" said Rainbow. "We gotta stop the bomb, its only at 15 seconds now!"
"Jakkid" said Dick.
"What is the it?" said me.
"Look in my tie pocket. Theres a dimension portal remote"
So I looekd in the pocket in his tie and there was a portal remote to open portals with. "You know what to do right?" said him.
"Right" said me.
So I ran to the bomb. "Twilight and guys you gotta help me with this!" And I opened a portal with the remote to Father's world.
The all of us worked together to pushe the bomb into the portal WHILE IT ONLY HAD 5 SECONDS LEFT! And then I closed it.
~ MEANWHILE ~
Father was in his world that only has him in it and he was drinking tea and relaxing.
"Yeah man this is the life" said Father.
But then the portal opened and the bomb appeared next to him.
"Aw shit"
~ BACK IN EQUESTRIA ~
"Dick America stay with me" Said me. "We couldve been friends for real!"
"Jakkid I have a cofnession to make" said Dick.
"What is it?"
"I am not your father."
"I know that already. But who is?"
"I dont know, but I mean something else. I am however... your ADOPTED cousin!"
I was a look of surprise. "WHAAAAT? But I thought manfred von karma from the Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney games was my cousin!"
"Unfortunately no he is not. You see, the life of a detecive is dangerous... I didnt want you to get hurt yourself, so I tried to be your rival and make you not want to be a detective anymore..."
"Awwwwwww no!"
"But jakkid" He said. "You have proven yourself to me, adopted cousin. You truly are the world's greatest detective."
And I was crying out of my eyes and nose and said "But adopted cousin, you cannot die."
"Im sorry son" said America and he died.
We all had a moment of silence for Dick America, the second greatest adopted cousin detective in the world.
~ LATER ~
After we had the furenurenal for Dick America, we went back to Twilight's house.
"I am still sad about Dick America being dead," said me. I was sad and I used my tie to wipe my tears and nose snot.
"Dont worry Jakkid" Said Applejack. "Dick America would be proud of you. You are detective."
"Its true" said Rarity. "You are a detective."
"But what do we do now that the world has been saved?" Said Pinkie Pie.
"Well" I said, and I thought really hard. "I have an idea."
"What is it?" said Twilight.
"We should go on a fanficion website and tell everyone about this true story that really happened in real life."
"Great idea jakkid" said everyone.
And the camera zoomed out from Twilights house into the sky, and two words appeared on the screen to signafy the concludion of our adventure:
