Walking Down The Street
It was a beautiful day in Ponyville, because honestly when isn’t it a nice day except for those times it isn’t a nice day but really that’s beside the point. Twilight Sparkle woke up in her specially made Princess bed and yawned as she rubbed the sleep out of her eye.
Getting out of bed she made her way to the upstairs living area and turned on the television, because Equestria apparently has that now, and sat down on her plush purple sofa.
Starlight Glimmer came running into the room a minute later in response to Twilight’s yelling. “What is it, Twilight??” she asked with urgency.
“What the hell is this?!” Twilight spat.
Starlight looked at the television. It was turned to PMZ and the blonde mare looked a lot like Ponyville’s mail carrier Ditzy-Doo but with normal eyes, reporting on Twilight’s latest binge at the hayburger stand and a possible fling with a royal guard.
“It’s just gossip. No pony takes it seriously,” Starlight said.
“Maybe, but they have me flinging with the wrong royal guard! That’s Shining Armor! What sort of sicko would pair me with my own brother?” Twilight ranted.
Starlight looked up to the ceiling. Best to not mention to Twilight the hundreds of incest fictions online – yes, Equestria has the internet now too evidently – that did exactly that. She tried to comfort her friend and technically teacher.
“I’ll have Princess Celestia put a stop to this!” said Twilight triumphantly. “SPIKE! GET IN HERE!”
There was no answer from Spike’s room. Starlight interjected, “Do you really think Celestia has the power to censor the media these days?”
Twilight was not listening. “SPIKE! GET YOUR STUPID ASS IN HERE!”
“Language, Twilight,” Starlight cautioned. Still no Spike. Then she remembered. “Um, Twilight? I think Spike went off with the Mayor and Apple Bloom to a conference or something.”
“Well that was rude of him!” Twilight snipped. “Why didn’t he tell me first?”
“I think he did but you were in a food-coma,” said Starlight.
Twilight grumbled. “Screw it then. I guess I’ll just go to the Post Office and mail a letter myself.”
“Whatever,” Starlight said with a shrug.
As Twilight, not flying for some reason, stomped down the main drag she bumped into Pinkie Pie, who wore a severe expression and a black bowler hat.
“What’s up, Pinkie Pie?” Twilight asked with no enthusiasm.
“I’m on a case!” the pink pony replied. “I’m going to find Rarity and prosecute her for child endangerment because she drugged Sweetie Belle with drugs!”
“Hang on,” Twilight said. “Isn’t that redundant? And since when are you a prosecutor? We have Whinnifred Von Karma for that.”
“I’ve been the District Attorney for, like, ever. Don’t you remember?”
“No.”
“Well, Rarity is gonna get the book thrown at her this time!” Pinkie explained.
Out of nowhere, Rarity crossed the street rapidly, like a metal duck at a shooting gallery, shouting to all who could hear, “Shit! Fuck! Cock! Tits! Cunt! Twat! Pussy!” before disappearing as quickly as she had appeared.
“There’s the child-abusing bastard! Get back here!!” Pinkie cried out as she gave chase.
Twilight decided to ignore this for the time being, but she had only continued a few more yards when she saw Fluttershy. The demure yellow Pegasus stared at her, cheeks blushing.
“Hi Fluttershy? What can I do for you?” Twilight asked in a more peeved tone than she intended.
“Um…” Fluttershy began. “Twilight, we’re friends, right?”
Twilight nodded. “Yes. Of course we are.”
“So, um, I was wondering if you could, uh…” Fluttershy trailed off.
“What?” Twilight asked.
Eventually, Fluttershy finished. “Tickle me?”
Twilight jumped back in shock. “What?! No! Are you crazy? I’m not here to satisfy your freaky fetish! Where would you even get the idea I would?”
Fluttershy lowered her head sadly and slunk away.
“Maybe I was too hard on her,” Twilight mumbled to herself as she continued to the Post Office when she bumped into Rainbow Dash. “Oh! Hi, Rainbow Dash,” she said, smiling. “What are you doing out?”
“This is my only line,” said Rainbow Dash, then turned and tried to fly away but only made it seven yards before smacking into the side of a building. Chuckling guiltily she picked herself up and walked off.
Eventually Twilight reached the Post Office, where she purchased a non-magic scroll, quickly penned a letter expressing her displeasure at media, and mailed it to Celestia. She thought it was stupid she had to contact her mentor the normal way but she had no choice. Ditzy-Doo promised the letter would arrive at Canterlot Palace safely, but Twilight did not trust her for her mismatched eyes suggested she was a klutz, which was true.
As Twilight left the building to head back to her home to reread a few books she found herself face-to-face with Sunset Shimmer, her former rival and now friend.
“Sunset!” Twilight nearly cried as she wrapped her in a hug. “I’m so glad you’re here! This entire town has gone crazy today! You’ve gotta talk some sense int— Wait. What are you even doing here?”
Sunset sighed. “I’m cameoing in your story so it will have more readers, nothing more or less,” she said. “The Author really doesn’t care that I have my own character arcs to deal with right now. But, here I am. Enjoy my presence.”
Twilight facehoofed.
“If it makes you feel any better,” Sunset said, “This is the end of the story.”
Twilight looked at Sunset, skeptical. “But, nothing really happened. This isn’t even really a story.”
“It’s not my job to care. Anyway I’ve gotta get back to the humanoid world. I’ll see you soon!” Sunset waved before walking away to Twilight’s crystal-tree home wherein stood the magic mirror portal. Twilight was headed the same direction but stopped for a moment in the middle of the road to ponder her life.
“Why do you do this to me?” Twilight groused at the Author as the world faded to black.