> The Everlasting Hope
>  by Plasmadon
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> The Human
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------




Chapter 1: The Human

Twilight Sparkle was studying the book intently. It was a bright and sunny day, interspersed with only a few still clouds.
“Elements of Harmony…” she muttered thoughtfully. “I know I’ve heard of those before… but where?”
Twilight levitated her book into her saddlebag and began her trot home. On the way, she was stopped by a trio of unicorns talking animatedly.
“Oh, there you are, Twilight,” the middle one said. “Moondancer’s having a little get-together in the west castle courtyard. You wanna come?”
“Sorry, girls,” Twilight said, racing around the thought of socializing when she could be studying. “I’ve got a lot of studying to catch up on.”
She dashed off, racing back to her room in Canterlot Castle. As she left, she heard a voice behind her say, “Does that pony do anything besides study?”
“I think she’s more interested in books than friends,” another replied. Twilight shook off the insults and dashed back to the room.
“Elements of Harmony…” she muttered. “I know I’ve heard of them before.” 
She walked into her room, searching frantically for a book. “Spike! Spi-ike! SPIKE!” she shouted. A little purple dragon with green scales on his underside peeked out of a pile of books, a torn present adorning his spade tail.
“Ah, there you are, Spike. Find me that old copy of Predictions and Prophecies.” She noticed the present box stuck to his tail. “What’s that for?”
“Well, it was supposed to be a present for Moondancer, but…” he stopped as a squeaky stuffed bear dropped from the box. Twilight shook her head.
“Oh, Spike. You know we don’t have time for that stuff.”
But we’re on a break!” Spike whined. Twilight’s horn glimmered and flashed, and books jumped off their shelves and flew towards her.
“No… no… no… no, no, no!” she muttered. “SPIKE!” she yelled.
“It’s over here!” he called from atop a huge ladder. Twilight levitated the book- with Spike still holding on- back to her. She trotted away, while Spike groaned and began to pick up the books she left behind.
“Elements, Elements… Aha!” Twilight exclaimed. “The Elements of Harmony… see Mare in the Moon?”
“Mare in the Moon?” Spike called. “But that’s just an old pony’s tale.”
“Mare in the Moon: a myth from olden pony times,” Twilight read, not taking her eyes off the book. She didn’t notice the glimmer of light that appeared to be heading for her window. “A powerful pony who wanted to rule Equestria, defeated by the Elements of Harmony and imprisoned in the moon. Legend has it that on the longest day of the thousandth year, she will return and bring nighttime eternal.” She gasped. “Spike, do you know what this means?”
“No?” Spike said, balancing precariously on the ladder he was using to replace books. With a crash, he fell and landed on Twilight’s back.
“Spike, take a- watch out!” Twilight yelled, as the gleam of something shot towards her room and crashed through the window. It flew past Spike and smashed into Twilight, knocking her out.

I groggily woke up. What happened? I was just heading to the loo to take a good piss, and then BAM! Darkness. P.S. remind me to never drink a full three liters of Mountain Dew again. Maybe that’s what made me pass out. I’d suffered from caffeine overload before, but this didn’t feel like the overpowering rush of blackness. I felt almost… comfortable. 
Comfortable was not how I should feel.
I shot up, opening my eyes to the most brightly colored room I’d ever seen. Either I was in the bedroom of a six-year-old girl, or something bad happened. I wiped my eyes with my hoof and stoo- wait, hoof? I stared down at my used to be hands, trying to get my bearings. When the bloody hell did I get hooves? This had to be a dream. I slapped myself. The pain was there. Just to be sure, I took my hoof and slammed it straight into my- well, you know what I mean.
“Not a dream,” I decided, in a voice an octave higher than I normally spoke. As the pain receded from between my (hind) legs, I heard a knock from the iron door. Other than the entryway, everything looked like it cost a fortune: a red velvet sofa, solid ash coffee table, and even a real crystal chandelier. I heard a second tinny knock, and the door opened. 
Let’s just say I wasn’t expecting visitors.
To be specific, my jaw actually dropped to the floor. A regal looking white horse popped through the doorway, followed by a second lavender pony, which was much smaller than the first. For some reason, my eyesight went dark. After a few second of flailing, I used a gesture of greeting that I hoped they wouldn’t recognize: I touched my hoof to my lips and said, “Atra esterní ono thelduin, Ebrithil.”
“Atra du evaŕinya ono varda, finiarel.”
I grinned widely. “So, you read the series too?”
“Why, yes,” someone said. “I especially love the character progression of Eragon and Brom in the first book. It was quite a shock when I read about him being Eragon’s father.”
“Monsieur Paolini does have a way of twisting a reader’s emotion, doesn’t he?” I asked. I and two others sat, someone apparently reading, due to the rustling of pages I kept hearing, and the other still discussing the Inheritance cycle with me.
After twenty minutes and a refreshing tea, my associate (Princess Celestia) got down to business.
“So…” she trailed off.
“Andrew.”
“Andrew, my student, Twilight, tells me you fell from the skies a few hours earlier. My question is, how did you get there? Where are you from? Who are you?”
“Um… I don’t know how I got there. I was just heading to the loo and I wound up here. As for where I’m from, it’s Wales.”
“Wales? Where’s that?”
I was seriously starting to panic by now. “Um… where exactly am I?”
“You’re in Canterlot Castle, in Equestria.”
“No…” I remembered the word Canterlot from a show my little sister used to watch: My Little Pony, Friendship Is Magic. My heart felt like it was boiling in my stomach acid.
“No…” I repeated. “How can I be here? I’m a human. Talking ponies don’t exist.”
All of a sudden, my eyesight came back, razor-sharp and lucid as a Jared™ diamond. I was sitting across from the lavender unicorn and Celestia. And Celestia was talking to me.
“Andrew? What’s wrong?” she asked.
“What’s wrong is that I’m a human, not some frigging pony!” I muttered. She looked at me in confusion, so I explained. For a half hour, I ranted on about me being a human, and not a unicorn. Funny thing, it turns out I was a medium grey with an ebony mane and tail, and a grey horn. My mane was kind of spiky, like the Doctor’s would be if he was a pony, but it stuck out less. To be honest, I actually thought I looked kind of cool.
After said rant, Celestia looked at me thoughtfully. 
“Twilight, I think you’ve been in the library too much lately.” Twilight looked shocked. “I’m sending you, Spike, and Andrew to check on the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration and make some friends.”
I snapped out of my stupor when I heard my name. “Say what now?” Twilight agreed with a shocked look.
“It’s a crucial part of the preparations, and I don’t have the energy built up to send you back yet, Andrew.”
I sighed and locked away my negative emotions. “Sure, why not?”
Twilight still looked grumpy.

Twilight looked pissed all the way to Ponyville. Spike tried to calm her down while I looked at the vivid scenery. They didn’t have anything like this back on Earth. An abundance of trees, bursting with every fruit imaginable, rose out of the ground in thick clumps. We finally landed in an open square. So many bloody colors, I felt like I was going to contract epilepsy. I was starving, and thinking about epilepsy got me thinking about my epileptic brother. He made the best fish-and-chips in the universe. Damn you, Dominic…
Oh, I forgot about Dominic. He’s my brother, and an asshole to boot. Ever since my parents died, I was stuck in an orphanage. I met Dominic there. We became foster brothers and ran away. After two years, we each got a house right next to each other. Ah, that was the old life. Everything seemed so complex, challenging. I was starting to miss the practice of using my brain. I absently nodded and muttered thanks to the pegasi who flew us here. Oh, bloody hell. I was already starting to talk like flying ponies were a normal occurrence. I’d just finish this stuff and bide my time until Celestia builds up enough glowing magic to send me back, then dismiss it all as a dream.
“Come on, Twilight!” Spike said, still attempting to reason with the pony equivalent of the Grinch. “Maybe the ponies in Ponyville have interesting things to talk about!”
A pink pony with a -dare I say it- frazzled mane trotted up to us.
“Hello. My name is Twilight Sparkle,” Twilight said in a formal voice that did not sound like it got much use. The pink pony gasped, jumped into the air, and sped off.
“Well,” I said. “This is awkward…”
Twilight just sighed. “Let’s get this over with.”
We walked for a few minutes until we got to a farm by the name of Sweet Apple Acres.
“First on the list, catering!” Spike exclaimed, checking a list of preparations for the festival. We trotted through the gate, marveling at all of the apple trees.
“YEEHAW!” I heard someone shout. I turned my head to see a pony with a straw-coloured mane and a cowboy hat kicking at trees. Wherever she (bucked?) them, the apples would fall into neat piles. I whistled.
“Wow, she’s cute.” Twilight looked at me irritably. “What? Just because I’m a human doesn’t mean I can’t find ponies attractive.” The farmpony was cute, and I had a hard time taking my eyes off her. She noticed us and trotted in our direction.
“Hello. My name is Twilight Sparkle,” Twilight said in that same unused voice.
I tipped my head and stared enviously at her Stetson. “Andrew. It’s a pleasure. Love the hat, by the way.”
“Well, howdy, Andrew and Twilight!” she said cheerily. Then I saw just the slightest bit of red enter her cheeks, and she looked away. “Thanks. About the hat, I mean. Mah pa gave it me when I was just a lil’ filly.”
I winced. “Sorry if I brought up a bad memory,” I said.
The farmpony brightened. “Ah, it ain’t a problem! Name’s Applejack, by the way.”
That gave me an idea. “Applejack… do you mind if I call you AJ? Seems a bit more fitting.”
Applejack thought for a moment before smiling. “AJ. I like the sound of that. Feel free to use it anytime ya like, Andrew.” I grinned at that.
“Thanks, AJ,” I said. “We’re here to check on the prep for the Summer Sun Celebration.”
“Ooh, yer just on time, then.” She rang a triangle next to her and yelled, “SOUP’S ON, EVERYPONY!”
What must have been fifty ponies dashed out of the barn. Twilight, Spike and I suddenly found ourselves sitting at a table.
“Well, why don’t ah introduce ya to the Apple family?”
Twilight started to protest, but AJ cut her off.
“This here’s Apple Fritter,`Apple Bumpkin, Red Gala, Red Delicious, Golden Delicious, Caramel Apple, Apple Strudel, Apple Tart, Baked Apples, Apple Brioche, Apple Cinnamon Crisp,” AJ gasped for air. “Applebloom, Big Macintosh, and Granny Smith. Up and at ‘em, Granny Smith. We’ve got guests.”
The old green pony, which I assumed until now to be dead, gave a startled snort. “Wha- guests- soup’s on-”
AJ put her front leg around Twilight’s neck. “Why, ah’d say yer already part of the family!” she exclaimed. Twilight spit out her apple in shock. I couldn’t help but notice that the apple was green when she put it in her mouth, but red when she spit it out. Did she have internal bleeding or something? She turned her head to leave. I got an idea. I sneaked over to Applebloom and whispered my plan in her ear, grinning mischievously.
“Well,” Twilight said, looking annoyed, “The food’s coming along great, so I guess we’ll be off.”
“Aren’t you gonna stay for brunch?” Applebloom asked, with the best puppy-eyes I’ve ever seen. Twilight faltered. We had her hook, line and sinker.
“Well, I guess if it doesn’t take too long…” she murmured. Applebloom and I, still looking straight on, hoof-bumped each other, grinning.

A while later, Twilight was stumbling along with a bulging belly. For some reason, I was still starving. I had at least ten apple pies, but I wasn’t any fuller than a deserted islander.
“I think I ate too much pie…” Twilight moaned.
“There’s supposed to be a pegasus pony named Rainbow Dash clearing the skies,” Spike said, double-checking his list.
“She ain’t doing a bang-up job,” I muttered, just before a rainbow blur knocked me and Twilight into a mud puddle.
“Oops, sorry,” I heard some…pony? Yeah, somepony say. Unfortunately, my vision was a lavender blob because Twilight landed on top of me. “Let me help you with that.”
There was a crash of thunder, and suddenly I was soaking wet. I heard more giggles, and Twilight finally got off of me. The laughs were coming from a cyan pegasus with a rainbow-coloured mane. 
“Here,” she said. I was suddenly enveloped in a rainbow tornado, the wind ripping at my mane. Once it was done and I could finally take my eyes off the seizure-inducing rainbow pony, I looked at Twilight. Her mane was sticking out in odd clumps. I busted up laughing with the other two. Spike gave me a mirror.
“Dash… I look bloody AWESOME!” I shouted. She grinned, and oddly, blushed. Oh, God. Please don’t tell me I have a pony crush. Well, I am technically crushing on a pony.
“Ugh.” Twilight stopped and started talking to Rainbow. “I hear you’re supposed to be keeping the skies clear.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Dash said, laying back on a cloud. “I’ll do that once I’m done practicing.”
“For what?”
“THE WONDERBOLTS!” Rainbow exclaimed. She pointed towards a nearby and extremely convenient poster of a group of performers.
“THE Wonderbolts?” Twilight asked, eye raised. Dash nodded. “The best fliers in all of Equestria?” she nodded again. “Please. They wouldn’t accept a pegasus who couldn’t keep the skies clear for one measly day.”
Rainbow Dash stood up, a look of anger on her face. “I could clear Ponyville in Ten. Seconds. Flat.”
“I’ll time,” I said. “Ready? Go!”
Rainbow Dash shot into the air, kicking and flying through clouds with ease. It astounded me how fast she was; it was like watching a rainbow Bullet Bill. She halted in front of us, all the clouds around her gone.
“See? Ten seconds flat.”
“Actually, Dash, that was nine seconds,” I said. Her grin widened.
“Sweet! I beat my record!” she shouted, punching the air. I said my goodbyes and Spike and I dragged Twilight to the next destination.

Once Twilight regained the ability to walk, we entered a huge gazebo-like building. A white and purple unicorn was looking at ribbons with a bored look on her face.
“Beautiful,” Spike said. He had the classic cartoon hearts-for-eyes. I thumped him on the head to snap him out of it and dragged him along.
“Excuse me…” Twilight started, but the white unicorn cut her off.
“In a moment. I’m in the zone, as it were,” she said in a melodious English accent. Finally, another Brit about this place. “Ah!” she exclaimed, tightening a red ribbon. “Sparkle always does the trick. Why, Rarity, you are a talent. Now, how can I help yo- OOOOOH!” she shrieked, staring at Twilight’s frizzing mane. “Oh my stars, darling, whatever happened to your coiffure?”
“You mean my mane?” Twilight asked. “Long story. I’m just here to check on the decorations, and then we’ll be out of your hair.”
“Out of my hair?” Rarity said, somewhat shocked. “What about your hair?” she pushed me and Twilight into separate changing rooms. I realized for the first time since I got here that ponies didn’t often wear clothes. She shoved me into suit after suit. She finally settled on a rather nondescript black one with a white undershirt and a black bow tie. I grinned to the mirror.
“The name’s Bond. James Bond,” I said to myself. And I looked like a total spy badass. I seriously wish I had a pistol or something right now. Twilight suddenly appeared in a powder-blue saddle.
“Come on, let’s get out of here before she decides to dye my coat a new color!” she shouted. She somehow grabbed me with her hoof and dragged me off.
“Hey, Spike! Get your scaly arse over here!” I yelled. He followed blearily. I swear, ponies can get drunk off of love and tolerance. After Twi and I (hey, that rhymed) snapped him out of it, he pulled out the checklist.
“All right,” he said. “Last on the list is… music!”
“Well, this shouldn’t be too boring,” I muttered. All of a sudden, I heard several birds whistling a beautiful tune that sounded oddly like the Song of Storms. I pulled out my ocarina (how the HELL did that cross over with me) and played along. It was a melodious song, both haunting and joyful. At the end, Twilight and Spike had tears in their eyes.
“Works every time,” I muttered to myself.
“Hello!” Twilight called to the conductor of the avian choir, a sunshine-yellow pegasus with a pale pink mane and tail. She shrieked, and the birds scattered. I slowly called them back with Nocturne of Shadows. I stopped in the middle of Twilight and the pegasus’ conversation.
“-it sounded beautiful. What’s your name?” 
“Fluttershy.” It barely came out as a whisper.
“I’m sorry,” Twilight said. “What was that?”
Even I couldn’t hear the repetition of the name. “Didn’t quite catch that,” Twilight said apologetically. A small squeak came after. Twilight turned away to me and Spike.
“Well, that was awkward…”
“You’re telling me,” Spike said. I suddenly heard a gasp and moved just in time to see a yellow and pink blur rush by me.
“A baby dragon!” she exclaimed, elated. Twilight was knocked over by Fluttershy, her face in the dirt. I helped her up, then tuned out as I remembered a few times Dominic and I worked together through our greatest and weirdest occurrences.
It was sixth grade, and we were bored as hell. We were chilling with another friend of ours, Jason, when the school bully, Erin, walks up. He freaks Dominic and Jason out like Fluttershy. Instead of being all passive, like he thought I’d be, I used six years of Kenpo experience to kick his ass flat on the ground. After that, Erin got arrested. It turns out, he was physically abusing his girlfriend, and they found a hidden room behind his locker filled with stolen cocaine and money. To be honest, I felt kind of bad for him. He had a perfectly normal life until some idiot decided to give him cocaine, and he was a mess. He was sent to juvenile prison for ten years. Dominic, Jason, and I actually refused to testify in court. When the police asked us why, we all simply said “the guilt would drive us mad.”
You see, I always had a more philosophical approach to life. Maybe that was one of the reasons I was into the more obscure and mysterious branches of learning, like mystery and the theory on how the universe was made. One time, I even challenged Dominic and Jason to figure out how God could possibly exist. Dominic gave me the best answer I’ve ever heard: he said the residual energy released by the Big Bang must have mutated and formed a collective consciousness.
Sorry, getting off track. That’s what you get when you’re a human in a pony’s body.
Twilight, Spike and I finally got to the library. After rather rudely kicking Fluttershy out, Twilight floated Spike in through the door.
“Nice much?” I asked.
“Sorry, guys, but I have to get back to studying and I don’t need a bunch of crazy ponies getting in the way. Where’s the light?”
I fumbled across the wall, hearing light whispers and giggles in the darkness. I grinned, flicking the switch. A horde of ponies was standing in the library, yelling: “SURPRISE!”
Bloody asthma attacks.
After I recovered from near-death, I noticed Twilight with fire in her mane and steam coming out of her ears. Normally, this would concern me, but it’s a cartoon, right? I enjoyed the rest of the night, often hanging out with Applejack and Pinkie Pie. After a while, I heard it was time to watch the sunrise. So, I gathered in the pavilion like all the rest of the sober ponies. Thank Christ Pinkie was underage.
I zoned out again at about the “fillies and gentlecolts” part, but I quickly reasserted my consciousness when I heard a loud gasp.
“She’s gone!” Rarity exclaimed.
“Oh, this can’t be good…” I muttered to myself, shaking my head. A booming laughter permeated the room. A midnight blue mist coalesced into a black alicorn with ice-blue armour. 
“Well, well. My beloved subjects. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen your precious little sun-loving faces.”
“What did you do to our princess?” Rainbow asked. AJ was just barely holding her back.
The black alicorn chuckled again. “Why? Am I not royal enough for you? Don’t you know who I am?”
“Ooh! More guessing games!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Um… Hokey Smokes? How about… Queen Meanie! No! Black Snooty, Black Snooty!” AJ shoved a cupcake in her mouth before she could continue. The black alicorn turned to Fluttershy.
“Does my crown not count after being imprisoned for a thousand years? Did you not recall the legends? Did you not see the signs?”
“I did!” Twilight called from next to me. “And I know who you are! You’re the Mare in the Moon: Nightmare Moon!” there was a collective gasp from the ponies.
“Well, well, well,” Nightmare murmured. “Somepony who remembers me. Then you also know why I’m here.
“You’re here to… to…” Twilight trailed off.
“To bring eternal night.”
If it hadn’t come out of my mouth, I wouldn’t be sure who said it. As it were, Twilight and the other ponies looked at me funny. Nightmare Moon laughed.
“Remember this day, little ponies, for it was your last. From this moment forth, the night will last forever!”
The Mayor strode forth. “Seize her!” she shouted to some of the guards. “Only she knows where the princess is!” the guards flew towards Nightmare.
“Back, you foals!” she shouted, eyes glowing. Lightning flashed and knocked them out of the sky. I beckoned to Twilight.
“Come on!” I yelled over the din. “We’ve got to find out how to stop her!” We rushed out of the pavilion and to Twilight’s library. I put Spike to sleep (with a knock on the head, unfortunately) and returned to Twilight, who was searching through book like an insane librarian.
“Ugh… how are we going to stop Nightmare Moon if we can’t find the Elements of Harmony?” she grunted.
Rainbow came zooming up to us. “And just what are the Elements of Harmony? And how did you know about Nightmare Moon, huh? Are you a spy?” Rainbow asked, aggressively shoving her face in Twilight’s. AJ and I tugged her back.
“Simmer down, Sally,” AJ said. “She ain’t no spy. But she sure knows what’s goin’ on, don’t ya, Twilight?”
Twilight took a deep breath. “I read all about the prediction of Night Mare Moon. Some mysterious objects called the Elements of Harmony are the only things that can stop her, but I don't know what they are, where to find them. I don't even know what they do!”
“Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide!” Pinkie said unexpectedly.
“Pinkie, am I going to regret asking you where you found that?” I said. Pinkie thought for a moment.
“Probably.”
“Okay, not going to ask.” I picked up the book and began reading. “There are six Elements of Harmony, but only five are known: Kindness, Laughter, Generosity, Honesty and Loyalty. The sixth is a complete mystery. It is said the last known location of the five elements was in the ancient castle of the royal pony sisters. It is located in what is now… the Everfree Forest.” Everyone gasped. “What?” I asked, confused. “It’s just a forest.”
“It is most certainly not just a forest!” Rarity exclaimed. “The clouds move on their own. The animals take care of themselves. The trees grow without anyone caring for them.”
“Okay, still don’t see how that’s a problem. It’s completely natural on Earth.” By now, we were trotting through the forest. Rainbow Dash accidently stepped on a loose stone hold what seemed to be half the cliff together. Unfortunately, it was the half of the cliff we were all standing on. Everyone but the pegasi dropped. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy managed to catch Pinkie and Rarity, but Twilight, AJ and I were still sliding. I caught a foothold and billy-goated my way down. I saw RD and Fluttershy zoom up to catch Twilight, but AJ was stranded, and it didn’t look like our feathered friends were cut out for carrying another body. I scanned the steep drop, looking for foot- sorry, hoofholds.
“AJ!” I called. “There’s a niche in the cliff three feet to your right! It’s thin, but you should be able to slide down.”
Applejack complied with my suggestion and rolled to the right. She landed in the niche and started gliding down the smooth stone. About five meters up, the crevasse dropped off, leaving me to catch AJ. She landed neatly on my back, blushing slightly as she did so. Her hat fell on top of her head a moment later. I heard something like “thanks” come out of her mouth before she hurried towards the front of the group. 
Okay, what was that about?  
We walked on. Here and there, I swore I could see a bluish mist, but when I turned back, it was gone. Eventually, we hit a clearing with a strange shadow. It stood up, and I was face-to-face with the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. It was like part lion, part scorpion, and part bat.
“Manticore!” everypony screamed. 
Dude, this day kept getting bloody better and better.
“This is bucking awesome!” I couldn’t help shouting. Everypony stared at me. “What?” I asked, shrugging. “I’ll be the first human to tackle a Manticore, here!”
“Now what in tarnation do ya mean by tackle?” AJ asked me. I grinned, ran along the clearing, and jumped, smacking the thing right in the face.
“that,” I called back, “is what I mean by tackle, AJ.” She grinned and charged the manticore too. She straddled the beast, riding him like a bronco (no sexual reference meant). After a few moments, she was finally thrown off.
“All yours, partner,” she mumbled to Rainbow Dash. Dash saluted and flew off to engage the manticore while I intercepted AJ. Landing on my back once again, and blushing once again, she scrambled off me. Am I really that hated in this group? I jumped to the right, catching Rainbow before she crashed into a tree.
“Can you guys not go flying in random directions for a minute? I’m not a crash mat!” I yelled. Rainbow and AJ looked at me apologetically before returning to the battle. It was at this precise moment that I heard Fluttershy yell, “WAIT!” she nuzzled the manticore’s paw. I named the manticore Leroy.
It’s a lot easier than typing manticore a hundred times.
Leroy opened his paw to reveal a splinter so big it would’ve needed surgery on a human or pony. Fluttershy sighed sympathetically and nuzzled the mangled paw. “Oh, you poor little baby,” she said, rubbing against him.
“Little?” I heard Rainbow snort.
“Baby?” I asked myself. I was wondering what in the bloody hell could possibly give birth to something that big when Leroy snatched Fluttershy up and roared. A second later found him licking her mane. I stared in disbelief that a pony could do that. This world just kept getting weirder and weirder. Weirder than Doctor Who. 
We walked on, my eyes constantly flicking to the shadows. It wasn’t so much paranoia, but impatience. We finally reached a point where Rarity snapped. 
“Ugh, I wish my eyes could get a rest from such drab scenery,” she exclaimed. The canopy thickened and we were stuck in near total darkness.
“You were saying…” I trailed.
“Well, I didn’t mean that literally,” she shot back.
“Uh, guys?” AJ called back to us. “Ah think ah stepped in somethin’.”
“Fluttershy screamed.
“What? It’s only mud…” AJ said as she turned. Everyone screamed. On the trees were…
The most ridiculous faces I’ve ever seen.
They kind of looked like jack-o-lanterns, but they were carved entirely from wood. The moonlight, sparse through the thick foliage, revealed a soft red glow coming from inside the trees. At exactly the same time, Pinkie and I busted up laughing.
“What are you two doing? Run!” Twilight yelled. Pinkie and I were now on the ground crying from laughter.
“Oh, girls!” Pinkie said, waving them off. And began doing the one thing I love more than pizza.
Singing.
“When I was a little filly and the sun was going down...” 
“Tell me she's not...” Twilight groaned. 
“The darkness and the shadows, they would always make me frown.” 
“She is,” Rarity sighed. 
“I'd hide under my pillow from what I thought I saw, but Granny Pie said that wasn't the way to deal with fears at all.” 
“Then what is?” Rainbow put in. 
“She said: "Pinkie, you gotta stand up tall Learn to face your fears, you'll see that they can't hurt you, just laugh to make them disappear." Ha! Ha! Ha!” one of the faces disappeared, and everyone gasped with shock. 
“So, giggle at the ghostly, guffaw at the grossly, 
Crack up at the creepy, whoop it up with the weepy, 
Chortle at the kooky, snortle at the spooky, 
and tell that big dumb scary face to take a hike and leave you alone and if he thinks he can scare you then he's got another thing coming and the very idea of such a thing just makes you wanna... hahahaha...heh... Laaaaaaauuugh!” 
By the end of the song we were all on the ground laughing. It was a fun time, laughing with my friends…
Wait a minute… did I just say friends?
We walked on a lot longer, passing cliffs, swamps, and an enormous tree that vibrated constantly if anything was within a few meters of it.
“Why did you come with us, Andrew?” Twilight asked me. It was a good question; one I couldn’t really answer myself.
“I don’t know… I just like to think of it as a way to pass time until I get sent home.”
“Wow, you must have a really great family,” Pinkie commented. I stopped, feeling the sadness of the orphan I am trying to overwhelm me.
“A foster brother… but no. No real family…” 
Pinkie winced, realizing she had come upon a touchy subject. “If you don’t want to talk about it…” she trailed off.
“No, I might as well. I can see the curiosity in your eyes.” I turned towards Twilight. “Especially you, finiarel. Never let that curiosity drive you into danger. That was one of the lessons I learned that day.”
“What day?” Rainbow asked.
“The day my family was murdered.”

FLASHBACK INCOMING!

It was a stormy night, and Mom and Dad were watching NCIS. Me and my sister, Sarah, were playing with Legos. Snow glittered outside the house, turning everything white. I knew something was wrong when I heard a knock on the door. No one ever came out to our little farm this late at night. I peeked out the window and saw a very scary man. He had a really shiny thing in his hand, but I didn’t know what it was. When my Dad opened the door, he shoved the shiny piece of metal between his eyes. At first I thought it was a joke, but then I saw the blood pouring out of his face. Sarah screamed and ran to the barn. I tried to warn Mom, but the man got there before me. He cut her head off. I ran to the barn too, trying to protect my sister. By now I was really scared. I tried to fight the man off, but he knocked me out.
“By the time I woke up, the man was gone and there were police everywhere. My sister… he cut off her head and shoved a stake through it, then put it where I’d notice the second I woke up. There was blood… so much blood…” my voice cracked at the end. I suddenly felt six pairs of hooves wrap around me. Slowly, I felt the hug dissipate until only Twilight and AJ were there. They both had tears in their eyes.
“I’m sorry… I didn’t know…” Twilight began sobbing. I calmly shushed her.
“Don’t cry. It’s in the past, and nothing can change the past. There’s actually a part of me that’s glad it happened.” AJ and Twilight looked at me in horror. “Oh, don’t look at me like that. That night changed me; it made me a large part of who I am now.” There was a large crack of thunder.
“Go!” I yelled. “Get to the Elements!” We began to run, but a huge black stallion blocked my path. The girls looked back at me.
“GO!” I shouted. AJ gave me one last concerned look before dashing off. I stared at the black stallion. It laughed with unwavering crimson eyes.
“You’re Death, aren’t you? I saw you that day…”
“Yes,” he said. His voice cut through my thoughts like an icy bullet. “Rather, I’m the essence of Death, given voice by your imagination and form by your magic.”
“Magic? Then that means…” I touched my horn consciously.
“Yes. You have a… unique, I should say, power inside yourself. I am truly sorry for the death of your family. Unfortunately, it was one of the many things I could not interfere with. I had only enough influence to turn his blade before you were hurt.”
“But why me?” I asked.
“Andrew Henry Gillen.” I flinched. Only I knew my full name nowadays. “I was charged to protect you, no matter the cost. I feel your time has finally come to prove yourself. I can give you a warning, but only that. Nightmare Moon has abilities that rival even Death. I can only tell you: trust in Hope.”
“Hope? Who’s Hope?”
“Not who, but what.” The black stallion began to fade away. “Andrew, I don’t have much time. I know you have so many more questions, but please let me say: I’m sorry.” As suddenly as Death appeared, he was gone. All that remained was the smell of rotting flesh, mold, and old marble. I trod along the path, eventually reaching a river. Once I could see the castle, I realized something. Was it possible that I could teleport using magic? It seemed like a stupid idea, but Death said I had power and imagination, so I imagined myself being wrapped in a cocoon of light, then disappearing. As soon as the light faded in my mind, I felt a burning sensation all over my body. I opened my eyes to a castle hall. It was dilapidated, but managed to pull through as I rushed towards Twilight’s yells. I reached a huge chamber with all of the girls in it. I shielded my eyes just in time, as a blinding rainbow light filled the room and crashed down on Nightmare. Once the spots cleared from my vision, I looked up. Nightmare Moon was standing tall over the Elements, while they lay curled up in a defeated heap.
“Foals!” Nightmare screeched. “I will not be defeated so easily!”
“There’s no way we can beat her…” I heard Twilight mutter. “No hope left for Equestria.”
That sparked something in me. I felt the urge to protect my friends. Trusting my blasted heart on this one, I stepped into the hall.
“Are you guys forgetting little ol’ me?” I asked in an innocent tone. Before anyone could react, Nightmare was gaining on me. I felt something inside me, touching my very soul. It was huge, powerful, and determined. A bright light pushed me back. When it was gone, I saw Nightmare at the back of the room, looking dazed. Death appeared at my side.
“Damn connection. Is this thing working? Ah, Andrew. I suppose you’ve discovered what I meant?
“Yes.” I was surprised at my own answer. “Trust hope. Not a ‘who’, but a ‘what’. When Twilight said there was no hope, I realized she was wrong.” I turned towards Nightmare. “Do you hear that, Nightmare? There aren’t six Elements… there are seven!” I felt, rather than saw, the glow of the Element appearing. It was a hammered gold disk, inset with a perfectly spherical diamond that appeared to be spinning. There was suddenly a howl from the Element. The spinning diamond was leaking ice-blue smoke. The smoke eventually coalesced into a wolf.
“Hello, Andrew Henry Gillen,” it said. Its voice was deep and melodic, like a whale’s song.
“Who are you?” I asked.
“Who’s who?” AJ called from the middle of the room. I looked at the wolf rather inquisitively.
“Only the embodiment of Hope and certain… individuals… can see me,” it told me. The wolf was glaring at Nightmare and Death. “As for whom we are, we do not have names. We would be honored if you would give us a name.”
“We…” I trailed off yet again (anypony notice this recurrence of me trailing off?). Circling the room was a total of twenty wolves. Some were male, some were female. They came in all hues, from crimson to sable.
“Wolves… how about Brenner’s Wolves?” I asked, grinning. A lime-green wolf balked.
“You just had to make a video game reference, didn’t you?” he asked sarcastically. The remaining twenty wolves laughed. 
(If you don’t get the reference, I suggest you play through the first two or three chapters of Advance Wars: Days of Ruin.)
“Well, I guess my name shall be Brenner from now on?” the icy wolf asked me. I nodded in agreement. He turned to the rest of the wolves, who lined up.
“We have been charged with protecting this young human in his trials, as well as assisting him when he asks it of us. Does anywolf object?” he boomed. No one spoke up. “So be it,” Brenner said. He turned back to me.
“The Element of Hope, unlike the other Elements, cannot be contained, nor handled by anyone but you. As such, you must give it a form to take. I suggest a weapon of some sort.”
I thought for a while. The wolves seemed to be protecting us from Nightmare, so there wasn’t any shortage of time. My mind finally came upon the image of a blade I was all-too familiar with. It was the sword often depicted to banish darkness. I mentally reviewed it with Brenner, who grinned, well, wolfishly.
“Ah, a fitting choice. One that can adapt to any situation, with my wolves and I as the keychains.”
I reached into the air and the wolves howled. A Keyblade glittered to life above me. I focused on the hilt and imagined it moving up. To my amazement, the magic seemed to be acting as some sort of arm for me to swing it with. I called the wolves off and beckoned to Twilight.
“Can you get up?” I asked softly. “We’re going to need all the power we can get. Is there any chance you can get another charge out of the Elements?” the girls nodded groggily. I faced Nightmare as they shakily stood up. There was a faint glimmer from behind me, and the Keyblade was charged with rainbow energy. I faced Nightmare Moon, stopping the Keyblade just a foot or two from her heart. The wolves closed in, growling, snarling, and barking.
“Nightmare, I’m sorry for what I’m about to do. I know your emotions took you over. But that doesn’t change the face that you’re evil, and evil needs righteous punishment. So, just remember, when you’re wallowing in hell: you would have killed every pony on this planet. No more light, no more heat. That means no more rays to grow food, and no more heat to keep our blood pumping. If you had succeeded with your plan, you would have frozen and starved each individual in Equestria. That is what I leave you with. I leave you with guilt that lasts for eternity.” I pushed the Keyblade towards her chest. Just before it connected, a ball of black and white energy radiated out. The black dissipated, while the white grew until it was whole once more. I removed the Keyblade and set it by my side, asking a black male wolf to watch it for me. I walked towards the unconscious form of an alicorn. I turned its head, revealing a midnight blue mare with a starry mane. Not Nightmare Moon anymore, thank God…
Everyone behind me except the wolves gasped. I turned my eyes to the window, startled to see Princess Celestia standing there. The six mares bowed, while Death stood stock-still and the wolves surrounded me. The black wolf I had confided the Element of Hope to earlier was growling.
“Princess Celestia!” Twilight exclaimed. She started towards Celestia, but the Keyblade got there first. I laid the teeth of the enormous key on her throat. Twilight gasped. Brenner’s Wolves started towards the white alicorn, but I stopped them with the wave of a hand.
“Stand down. I just want to make a point.”
“Who is he talking to?” I heard Rarity whisper to AJ.
“Listen to me, Celestia,” I said through gritted teeth. “I know you were the one that brought me here. I know you saw the Element of Hope in me. But if you ever put my friends in danger again, you’ll have me and my comrades to answer to.”
Celestia gulped and nodded. I pulled the Keyblade away, giving it back to the black wolf. Celestia looked at Death a bit uneasily.
“I did not expect to see you here, Mortis,” she said. Something in her voice told me that she wasn’t exactly pleased to see Death.
“I was charged with protecting the boy when he was born, and I plan to stay true to my vow until I have to reap him myself.” He chuckled a little bit. “And I don’t plan on doing that for a long time, Celestia.”
“Enough of this.” She turned towards Twilight. “Twilight Sparkle, my favorite student. I knew you and your friends could do it.”
“But… you told me it was an old pony’s tale.”
“I told you to make some friends, nothing more. I saw the signs of Nightmare Moon’s return and I knew it was you who had the magic inside to defeat her. You only had to let friendship into your heart; now, if another will as well. Princess Luna!”
Luna gasped and scrambled back. I gently pushed her back towards Celestia, making sure I meant no ill will.
“It has been a thousand years since I’ve seen you like this. It’s time to put our differences aside. We were meant to rule together, sister.”
“Sister?!” Everypony exclaimed. Now that I think about it, it’s not that strange at all. I mean, there are only two alicorns in Equestria, one in charge of the sun, and the other of the moon. I really feel like an idiot right now.
And, of course I miss the heartfelt montage between Celestia and Luna.
Celestia turned to me. “Are you sure you don’t want to stay?”
I shook my head. “No. I just don’t fit with this place. Too violent, too emotionless. I have the strangest feeling, though, that Brenner and his Wolves are going to follow me.”
Brenner nodded. “Of course. We swore to protect you, and that’s that.”
Death stepped forward. “I will help you, Brenner. I owe this boy a debt that cannot be easily repaid.” The two nodded before turning back to Celestia.
Celestia sighed. “Very well then.” She pointed her horn at the doorway, and it went pitch black. In it, I could see images of Earth: the raid on Osama Bin Laden’s mansion, the northern lights, and a tropical island. I took a step towards it before turning back.
“Thanks, everypony.”
With that, I jumped into the portal headfirst, waiting to see what greeted me on the other side.

Applejack had tears in her eyes. Andrew jumped into the portal. She half-raised her hoof, and then realized he was gone, and put it back down. She looked around, relieved to see she wasn’t the only one crying. Death followed him through the portal. Suddenly, a howling filled the room. Staring at the portal, Applejack saw almost two dozen wolves running through, one after the other.
“What in tarnation…” she muttered as the last wolf, an icy blue one with violet eyes, ran through.

Applejack had fun at the party that night, but something still weighed at her. She had liked Andrew, more than she would admit to anypony but her new friends. Even the thought of him that day was enough to set her heart racing and her cheeks blushing. Now that he was gone, though…
A light tap on the shoulder interrupted her thoughts. She turned to see a pony in a hooded cloak. On his back were saddlebags. He had a guitar case and a long object wrapped in a white shroud strapped to them.
“Excuse me, miss,” the pony said. “Do you know where I might find some lodging for the night? It’s not been an easy day for me.”
“Well, ya can stay at Sweet Apple Acres if ya want,” Applejack said mildly. “Outta curiosity, though, what’s yer name?”
The pony flipped back his hood, revealing a grey stallion with a black mane and a unicorn horn. Applejack actually felt her heart skip a beat.
“The name’s Dusk Stargazer. My friends, though, know me as Andrew.” He grinned. Applejack jumped on him, hugging him tight.
“AJ… too tight… crushing… me…”
“Oops. Sorry ‘bout that, partner.” The two of them walked throughout the town, heading down to Sweet Apple Acres. All AJ could think on the way was: this is gonna be one fun life.

HAHA! You think I end chapter there? Shame on you! I haven’t even put in an extra-romantic bit.

AJ shot out of bed. After weeks of Applebloom sneaking out to try and find her Cutie Mark under cover of night, her senses were on a hair-trigger response after 10:00. A light tapping sound was distancing itself from the house.
“Oh, that silly lil’ filly’s gonna get it now…” she muttered. She followed the noise out of the house. It led her through a long-forgotten path in the orchard. After about an hour, she finally reached a clearing. She could hear the soft strums of a guitar under one of the trees. Suddenly, a beautifully soft, clear tenor voice split the darkness:

“I feel like I'm drowning in ice water, my lips have turned a shade of blue
I'm frozen with this fear, that you may disappear
Before I've given you the truth

I bleed my heart out on this paper for you, so you can see what I can't say
I'm dying here, 'cause I can't say what I want to
I bleed my heart out just for you

I've always dreamed about this moment, and now it's here and I've turned to stone
I stand here petrified, as I look you in your eyes
My head is ready to explode

I bleed my heart out on this paper for you, so you can see what I can't say
I'm dying here, 'cause I can't say what I want to
I bleed my heart out just for you

And it's all here in, black and white and red
For all the times those words were never said

I bleed my heart out on this paper for you, so you can see what I can't say
I'm dying here 'cause I can't say what I want to
I bleed my heart out just for you
I bleed my heart out just for you.”

Applejack was stunned at the beauty of Andrew’ voice. She had never, in her fifteen years of life, ever heard a colt singing in the foreground instead of the background. His voice was (pardon the cheesiness) like fire, dancing in the wind. It was like the slow and hard-packed earth, the tempting melodies of the wind, the clarity of a bright diamond, and the softness of velvet on her skin.
“Andrew?” she blurted. The figure froze before relaxing.
“Oh, AJ,” he muttered. “Warn me next time you plan on following me out here.”
“Sorry about that,” she shyly said back. She felt shy? What was wrong with her? It was like Andrew took everything she said or did and made it ten times as meaningful. “Applebloom likes ta sneak out at night, and, well…” she trailed off (another trail off. Surprised, anywolf?). Andrew laughed, a clear peal echoing in the meadow.
“I can understand your feelings, AJ,” he said. “My foster brother, Dominic… he got into so much trouble sometimes.”
Applejack laughed too. She sat beside him, scooting a little closer in the darkness. He noticed the gesture.
“Well? I won’t bite, if that’s what you’re worried about.” He allowed himself a grin. Applejack found herself extremely thankful the dark hid her blush as she leaned against him, resting her head on his shoulder.
“What was that song you were playing?” she asked, yawning. “It was beautiful.”
“It was a song called “Bleed.” It was a favorite of mine back on Earth.” She yawned again. Andrew chuckled. He pulled his ocarina from the saddlebag lying next to him. As he raised the woodwind to his lips, the perfect song floated into his head. He began playing the Prelude of Light. Somewhere during the second stanza of the song, a wolf added its howl to the music. Eventually, all twenty one of Brenner’s Wolves were either singing or howling in perfect harmony to the music. As the song ended, he heard a soft sigh from Applejack. She squirmed, snuggling a bit closer to him in the dark. Andrew started to blush himself. He patted her forehead gently.
“Sweet dreams, Applejack…”
And Andrew Henry Gillen nodded off to sleep as well.
(Song is “Bleed” by Hot Chelle Rae. My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic is the sole property of Hasbro, Lauren Faust, and Studio B [I think it’s Studio B, at least].)

> The Ticket Master
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------




Chapter 2: The Ticket Master

I opened my eyes gently. For some reason, I was lying on something soft. I had my guitar and my ocarina with me, and there was something exceptionally plush lying next to me. I looked around and realized it was Applejack.
“So it wasn’t a dream,” I muttered. “Good. I can start fresh.” I softly shifted to get out of AJ’s grasp. I took my ocarina to the center of the field. Once again, imagination pulls through at the most random times, as I got a crazy idea.
Death told me in my brief period back on Earth that unicorn magic is limited only by magical reserves and imagination. If I had the Element of Hope, then just maybe I’d have enough…
I started playing the Song of Storms. As expected, rain clouds began forming above me. So, I could channel my magic through music, as well as my horn. The rain began pouring. With a little magic, I separated each droplet and stopped them before they could hit the ground. Once the air was filled with watery orbs, I played a four note tune from the third stanza of the extended Prelude of Light. A single pinprick of sunshine formed through the clouds, refracting off the water and forming a dizzying collage of flashes and rainbows. I gathered up the light (still have no idea how I did that), sculpting it into a bright copy of myself. The figure hardened and pulled out a Keyblade. I mirrored its movements and it vanished, satisfied. I used the remaining light and water to form a dragon. It stood well over thirty feet tall, with glimmering, translucent scales, and balls of light for eyes. It roared a soundless roar, then shot a geyser of water and ice crystals into the air. I suddenly heard a scream from behind me. Seeing as that broke my concentration, the dragon sloshed to the ground, and the eyes winked out. I turned to see the little filly, Applebloom, staring at me, terrified. Note to self: ponies are scared of dragons. Brenner’s Wolves formed around me, hackles raised and teeth bared. Applebloom flinched at the sight of them. I looked to Brenner inquisitively.
“She’s young,” he explained. “The younger tend to be able to see us more easily. As for how, I don’t know.” I nodded, satisfied with the response.
“Stand down, Wolves,” I commanded, though hopefully not unkindly. “She is no threat.” All of the wolves relaxed slightly. Applejack, having apparently woken up, came up from behind me.
“What in tarnation is all the ruckus-”
Pinkie appeared from out of nowhere. “Fracas!” she shouted, then vanished. AJ looked at the spot, then continued. “-is all the fracas about?”
I nodded to Brenner’s Wolves. “You can show yourselves to her. It won’t do any harm.” The twenty one wolves flickered a little bit, and Applejack jumped back.
“Holy harmonicas!” she shouted. She ran and took a protective stance in front of her sister. I ignored this and turned back to the wolves.
“Listen up!” I shouted, making sure they could all hear. “One of you will be accompanying me wherever I go, save the restroom and bed. The shift will change regularly, to make sure that I get a chance to know you all. But first…” I nodded towards the black wolf. “How about you, sir?” the wolf nodded vigorously.
“You need a name… how about… Daniel?” I asked. The wolf gave me a grin. 
“I like it,” he said in a raspy tenor. “After Daniel X?”
“Yeah. There’s just something there that makes you… untrustworthy.”
“Good.” I laughed along with a few of the wolves. I turned back to AJ. “Calm down, you look like you’re hyperventilating.” I jumped back across towards her and laid a hoof on her forehead. “Normal temperature, extremely high pulse rate, profuse sweating. Are wolves predators in this world?” I called back to Brenner.
“Only our wooden cousins, the Timberwolves.” He shouted back.
“Oh. Don’t worry, you two. They’re on our side.” I waved a hoof at the wolves. “Applejack, Applebloom, I’d like you to meet Brenner’s Wolves.”
Applebloom stopped shaking and slowly approached a midnight-blue female with deep green eyes. “Hi,” she said tentatively. “I’m Applebloom. What’s your name?”
“I don’t have a name, young one,” the wolf said. Applebloom looked shocked.
“No name? That ain’t right. How ‘bout… Starlight? ‘Cause yer eyes are like stars against yer fur.”
“Starlight… it fits. Thank you, Applebloom. May you live long, have many pups, and become as beautiful as your namesake.” Applebloom blushed and sat down with Starlight and another female, quickly dubbed ‘Whitefire’. I gotta admit, the filly had a knack for names. I trotted back to Applejack and Brenner, who were now talking like old friends.
“I see we’re getting along well now?” I asked jokingly. Brenner looked at me mildly, while Applejack was jumping around in excitement.
“Aw, ah almost forgot! Ah bet Big Macintosh ah could harvest all the golden delicious in the orchard. If ah win, he has ta walk down Stirrup Street in one of Granny Smith’s girdles.”
I burst out laughing. “Now that would be a sight,” I managed to choke out. “You need any help?”
“Thank ya kindly, Andrew,” she replied. I once again turned to the wolves. 
“Daniel, Starlight.” They dashed across the fields, coming to attention in front of me. I chuckled. “At ease, guys. Will you guys help me and Applejack with the harvest?”
“Of course,” Daniel said instantly. “Whatever you ask us to do.”
And so we set to work, the four of us apple-bucking for the next hour or so. By the end, AJ and Daniel were panting, but Starlight and I had more fortune. Daniel and AJ, having gotten their fill of water, approached us.
“Andrew, I was wondering,” Daniel said in a tentative voice, “Why do you treat us like equals?”
“Why shouldn’t I?” I asked, confused. Hopefully this wouldn’t turn out to be a repetition of the DearS incident, where all they knew was being a servant.
“Well, the Element of Hope has had two other embodiments over the past four thousand years. Both times, Starlight and I served them faithfully. Both times, we were treated like common rats. I don’t even think they treated Brenner like an individual. To them, we were just Hope; stupid, bumbling Hope. Why don’t you treat us like that?”
“I don’t treat you like that because you aren’t like that,” I said sternly. “What others may see as bumbling rats I see as intelligent beings, one of which is having an ethical debate with me right now. In fact, I say many of the Wolves’ knowledge surpass my own. Besides, I will hardly look down upon one of the most revered predators in history.”
Daniel looked shocked and awestruck at this. Starlight was equally amazed.
“Well, snap out of it, you two!” I grinned. “I need my friends’ help with this project. Come on and help us carry the apples back to the barn.”
They shook their heads and smiled widely.
Andrew, you’ve done something right.

About an hour later Twilight showed up and, well, clobbered me in a hug. Considering she thought I was back on Earth, she brought the squeezing to a minimum. At this moment, Spike burped up a letter.
“Spike, you’ve got to teach me how to do that,” I said. Daniel snickered.
“-Grand Galloping Gala!” Spike exclaimed. “Gala held on the twenty first of –blah, blah, blah, --cordially extends invitation to Miss Twilight Sparkle plus one guest!”
“The Grand Galloping Gala?!” Twilight and AJ exclaimed.
“The Grand Galloping What-now?” I asked, my eyebrow raised.
“The Grand Galloping Gala! It’s only the most popular dance in Equestria,” Twilight said, the look of obvious sarcasm on her face.
“Twilight, need I remind you, I’ve been a pony for two days. I’m not exactly in on culture. Besides, the biggest dance I ever went to was my sophomore homecoming dance. I still have nightmares about that one…” I shivered, and Daniel and Starlight busted up laughing. I shot them the dirtiest look I could, then turned back to Twilight and AJ.
“-ta fix the barn’s saggy ol’ roof, Big Mac’s saggy ol’ plow, Granny Smith’s saggy ol’ hip,” AJ was saying.
“Wow, that is a good reason to take you,” Twilight murmured. She turned to me. “What would you do, Andrew?”
“Well,” I started, thinking very carefully, “It’s this huge ball, right? So I’d try to introduce a bit of Earth’s culture to you ponies. Some food, dances, maybe a bit of music…” I trailed off.
Okay, can you readers please count the times I “trail off”? It’s really hard to keep track.
“You’re a musician?” Twilight asked me. AJ whistled.
“Darn tootin’ he is!” she exclaimed. “Last night he played the most beautiful thing ah ever heard!”
“Really? Do you mind if I hear a bit?” Twilight asked. I nodded, grateful to pull out my ocarina again. Daniel and Starlight gave each other knowing looks. The moment I played the first note of Serenade of Water, the two began to hum. It was a longing melody, so haunting you could hear it play on even after the music stopped. As I blew the last note, my two wolfish friends howled. Twilight was staring, openmouthed, at the ocarina in my hoof.
“Where did you learn to play that?” she asked in a little wonder.
“Primary school, my dear Twilight. I can’t remember why I wanted to learn, though. Something about an adventurer in green…” I trailed off when I saw Daniel staring at me in disbelief. “What?” I said defensively. “I put being a pony above Nintendo, dude!” he shook his head, clearly pissed that anyone would put Nintendo second. I mean, yeah, LoZ was good and all, but Pokémon?  What in the hell were they thinking? Five generations…
My reverie at Nintendo’s stupidity was interrupted by a certain cyan tomboy trying, once again, to kill me. I looked up to see a mildly apologetic Dash and a laughing Starlight.
“Jeez, Colors, if you wanna punch a hole in me, you could have just asked,” I muttered. We all busted up laughing again.
“What about you, Rainbow? What would you do if you wanted to go to the Gala with Twilight?”
“Twilight’s got an extra ticket to the Gala?!” she exclaimed. “Oh, thank you Twilight!”
“Now wait just a minute, Rainbow,” AJ said. “That ticket’s mine.”
“Is not.
“Is too.”
“Is not!”
“Is too!”
“Girls!” I shouted. “Why don’t we let Twilight decide? It is her ticket, after all.”
Twilight gave me a relieved look. “Thank you, Andrew.” I tipped my head.
“Not a problem, Twi. Now, I’m going with Twilight for the day, so no one tries to kill her for that extra ticket. Danny, you coming with?” Daniel nodded and padded after me. He leaned over.
“Should we show the rainbow pony and the unicorn the rest of the wolves?”
I shook my head. “Nah, let it be a surprise,” I chuckled out. “They can’t see you two right now, correct?” Daniel nodded again.
“See ya in the evening, AJ!” I called. She tipped her hat, picked up a basket, and beckoned to Starlight. 
“Come on, Star, we gotta get these here apples back to the barn fast.” Rainbow looked at her oddly, then flew off to help. As she passed, I heard her mutter, “Never been called Star before. Maybe because I’m faster than a shooting star…”
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
Shut up, subconscious. I’d like to keep that song for the next story.
Twilight walked on throughout the streets, finally coming to a stop in front of Carousel Boutique. I trotted in, hoping Rarity would be able to make me something epic. She trotted around the corner, smiling warmly as she did so.
“Twilight! And… Andrew, is that you?!” she jumped and hugged me tightly. “I knew you’d come back! I told you, didn’t I, Twilight?”
Twilight grimaced. “Yes, you did, Rarity. We came because I have an extra-” she was cut off by a miniature explosion upstairs.
“Oh, Sweetie Belle,” I heard Rarity exclaim. She started towards the stairs, but I intercepted her.
“You just go on with Twilight. I’ll check on the blast radius. Besides, explosions are my specialty,” I said, giving her a cheery grin. She looked at me like I was insane (face it people, I probably am), but nodded and turned back to Twilight. I ascended the stairs slowly. Years of playing Fallout and Black Ops: Zombies ingrained the idea in my head that most, if not all, explosions were radioactive, and therefore transformed anything in the blast radius into a mutated demon/zombie. As I peeked into a room, I was relieved that there was only one non-zombie pony in there, and the room wasn’t burned black or glowing green. The filly looked sad, and I couldn’t help but D’AWWW in my head.
The filly looked like someone had put an ice cream swirl in the shape of a pony, then gave it life. She had a snow-white coat, like Rarity, and was a unicorn. Her mane was kind of 50’s (I think) little girly looking, with a soft curl here or there that was accentuated by her twisting bubblegum and lavender mane. Once again, the Rarity family shows their progress at all things fabulous (or as I really wanna say it, FAABULOOOOOUUUUS). She looked at me with a little despair.
“Hello, mister. If you’re looking for something to wear, the shop’s downstairs,” she said. She looked so depressed it actually made me want to cry.
NO! not now, you damn mood swings. I do NOT need of you right now.
Instead, I placed a hoof on her shoulder. “What’s wrong, kid?” I asked, in the most polite tone I could muster. She looked at her flank sadly.
“I’m trying to earn my Cutie Mark, but I just can’t, no matter how many things I try.”
Cutie Marks. So that’s what they were called. AJ caught me staring at hers last night and explained the whole concept of ‘appearing when you find your calling in life’.
“Well, maybe you just need to try a little harder. If it makes you feel any better, I don’t have one either.” Sweetie Belle stopped and examined my flank with interest.
“That’s impossible,” she muttered. Then she saw the guitar case strapped to my back. “Are you sure you aren’t good at music?”
I tapped the case. “This old thing? Nah, I’m only okay with it. Would you like to hear me play something?”
She jumped up with excitement. “Sure!” she said, bouncing around the room. I unlocked the case, ruffling through the stacks of lyrics underneath my beauteous acoustic. Hand carved and polished, made from the finest maple, and 100% badass. I finally pulled out two familiar sheets of lyrics. I handed one to Sweetie Belle.
“I’d be honored if you’d sing with me,” I said, a warm smile on my face. She looked at the music, confused, then nodded apprehensively. I set the song with a few strums, then began.
(Song is A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton. Unfortunately, the lyrics had to be removed due to copyright infringement.)
I ended on several strums. It actually went pretty well, considering I was playing the percussion section on the base (Base, not Bass. Base) of the guitar.
Sweetie Belle’s voice was (pardon the French) tres magnifique. She matched me note-for-note from the first word she sang. Ah, it was like watching a little female me with parents and magic. After the song ended, she jumped around in excitement.
“That was awesome, mister!” she chirped, waddling around. I replaced my guitar and turned back to Sweetie Belle.
“Thanks, kid. By the way, I think I know what your special talent is.”
She stared at me. “You do?” she asked head cocked to one side. She then rushed up and put her enormous eyes to my enormous eyes. “Tell me, mister!”
“Nuh-uh.” I waggled a hoof at her. She drooped slightly. As I exited, I had a thought. I turned my head back to the crestfallen filly.
“Sweetie Belle, keep practicing. You have a great voice. And as for the Cutie Mark problem, look at it this way: ponies with Cutie Marks have only one thing they’re really good at. The longer you’re a ‘blank flank’, the more things you can learn to do extra-good. Okay?”
Sweetie Belle looked confused, but nodded vigorously. “Come again soon, mister!” she said, waving a hoof. I allowed myself a small smile, then greeted Daniel outside the room.
“You are the most peculiar creature I’ve ever met, you know that?” he told me. I let the smile go a little wider.
“Oh, hell yeah.”
Danny-boy and I trotted back down the stairs, where Rarity was doing her weird space out/ daydream thing. The three of us snuck out, trying not to be noticed by the white unicorn’s detailed eye. I finally released a breath unintentionally held. 
“Well, I did not expect to be playing songs for ponies a week ago,” I muttered. Twilight and Daniel laughed.
“Yet here you are, having a conversation with a lavender unicorn and a magical wolf who only you, Applejack, and Applebloom can see.” Danny was able to splutter that much out between his laughs.
“Oh yeah, I am sooo insane.”
I still found it peculiar that Twilight couldn’t see, hear, or even smell Daniel. He was solid as a rock, and walking right next to her. She did shiver whenever she brushed by him, however, making it positive he existed.
We walked on, only stopping when we got to a certain animal-maniac’s house. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see a butter-yellow pegasus and a bright pink, well, Pinkie Pie standing at one of the windows, watching Twilight. I hurried to catch up.
“Twilight!” I hissed. She stopped and turned to me, confused. “They already know. Let’s get out of here while they can’t get us.” Twilight’s stomach growled like Daniel at the thought of a broken N64. “Besides, your stomach could use relief as well.” We turned and bucking ran. We ran until there wasn’t a ticket-hungry pony in sight, which was conveniently right in front of a restaurant. 
“Table for three,” I muttered to the waiter. He led us to an open-air table outside, where Twilight, Spike (Oh, you didn’t think we had Spike with us? I had to drag the scaly bastard out of Rarity’s with my own teeth) and I sat, staring at menus.
“Hey, Spike, what do you think is better? Hay fries, or the lemongrass and daisy salad?” I asked him. He shrugged.
“I personally prefer hay fries, but that’s because they taste more like gemstones.”
I gaped. Daniel, beside me, did the same. “You eat gemstones?”
“Yeah,” he replied, leaning back to examine his claws. “All dragons eat gemstones, but they’re often hard to find. That’s one of the reasons I like Ponyville so much; it has pockets of gems pretty much all over town.”
“You’ve gotta be kidding me!” I exclaimed. I lowered my voice to a whisper before adding, “On Earth, and with the size of those gems, you’d be richer than Princess Celestia!” he gawked at me.
“Seriously?”
“Damn straight, my scaly friend.”
The waiter arrived. “What may I get Sirs and Madam today?”
“I can’t decide!” Twilight shouted in frustration.
“Uh, Twilight?” Spike said. “He just wants your order.”
“Oh. I’ll have the daisy salad, please.”
“Do you have any rubies?” Spike asked. I nearly slapped him before realizing that wasn’t as much of a stupid question as it was on Earth. The waiter gave him a look that plainly said “Does it look like I’ve got rubies, idiot?”
“No? I’ll have the hay fries, then. Extra crispy!”
“Just the lemongrass and daisy salad with some lemonade,” I murmured. The waiter took our menus, glared at Spike one more time, then went to get our things.
Before you ask, let me explain. I have this HUGE addiction to lemonade. I’ve been drinking it almost every day for the past ten years, and the last two days have been giving me a killer headache.
The waiter eventually arrived with our food. He got me what must have been a gallon-size tankard of lemonade. I dug around in my saddlebags, pulled out the coin purse Big Mac had given me, and gave him a few bits. He nodded gratefully, then turned to attend to another table. I downed the several liters of lemonade in a matter of seconds, with Spike looking on in awe. I managed to get two refills in the space of three minutes. I was just downing my third mug and starting on my salad when water dropped on me like a brick. The waiter called to us from the door.
“Sirs and Madam, are you sure you want to eat in the rain?”
“What?” Twilight said, confused. “It’s not raining.”
“What was that, Twilight?” I asked sarcastically. “I couldn’t hear you over all the rain.” My mane, coat, and tail were now thoroughly soaked. Bits of my mane were dropping into my eyes. I looked up to see who was protecting Twilight from the downpour…
Rainbow Dash. Of-bloody-course.
“Hey, Dash, can you do me a favor?” I called hopefully. She turned to look at me angrily, before blatantly disregarding me.
“Rainbow? What are you doing?” Twilight asked uncertainly.
“Hi there, best friend forever that I’ve ever had!” she called in a cheery voice. Way too obvious. “I just saw the smartest, most generous pony in Equestria about to get rained on, so I thought I’d kick a hole in the clouds to keep her dry so she could dine in peace!” Waaayy too obvious. 
“Rainbow, are you trying to get extra consideration for the extra ticket by doing extra special favors?”
“Me?” Rainbow shook her head. “No, no, no, of course not!”
“Uh-huh.” Twilight raised an eyebrow.
“Seriously, I’d do it for anypony!”
Without looking over, Twilight pointed a hoof at me and Spike. Rainbow giggled nervously.
“Look, Rainbow, I appreciate the offer, but I am not comfortable accepting unwanted favors, so I’d appreciate it if you closed up that hole!”
Rainbow finally relented and blocked the hole. Unfortunately, Twilight did not see the consequences of her actions.
“Uh, Twi,” I chuckled nervously. “Maybe you should’ve eaten your salad before-” Twilight moaned with displeasure as her salad was utterly crushed beneath a volley of raindrops.
“Twilight!” I heard Rarity call from somewhere nearby. “It’s raining!”
“Oh, you think? I had no idea!” I muttered. I downed the remains of my watered-down lemonade and followed Rarity, who was dragging Twilight towards the boutique.
“The tasty die soggy…” I whimpered. Spike sobbed an agreement as he groped for his now-drowned hay fries.
The trek to Rarity’s was short, but unforgiving. When we finally got there, we just managed to slip in without getting a door in our faces. I shook off most of the water, making a small circle of wet carpet around me. Rarity looked at me with distaste, and continued.
“—Makeovers!” she exclaimed. She then proceeded to get Twilight into a fancy saddle.
“It looks good,” I decided, smiling.
“Yeah, it’s pretty cute, isn’t it?” Twilight said. I seriously hope to God that she didn’t just bat her eyelashes at me. That would just make my love life more complex than it already was.
“Oh, and Spike!” Rarity said, literally obsessing over the clothes she had that would fit Spike. He came out of the curtain next wearing a dark blue shirt and matching trousers, with a sparkling wig on his head.
“Now for a hat!” Rarity said, shoving on a Three Musketeers-esque hat with a feather onto his head. She looked at me next, an odd gleam in her eye.
“Damn you, universe,” was the last thing I said before being pulled into measurement hell.
Like before, I came out in a suit, but this one was more… casual. It actually took me all my self-control not to make a Godfather reference in a Brooklyn accent. Twilight looked over at me, impressed.
“Wow,” she said. “You look good.” I silently agreed, but shoved that under the “arrogant and not needed at this moment” section of my brain.
“Ugh, I’m leaving. I don’t want any part of this girly Gala gunk. See you back at the library, Twilight!”
I ran after him, only stopping when a lightning bolt struck the ground about two centimeters in front of me. “Heh,” I chuckled. “You know what? This suit really does bring out my eyes. I think I’ll stay here for the time being.”
Rarity looked displeased, as if she expected me to leave once she got me all suited up. I then realized that Rarity must want the ticket too. But why try to get me out of the running?
The truth hit me like a water bottle hitting Justin Beiber. Of course! Rarity didn’t know I didn’t want the tickets! Okay, I might have wanted the tickets a little bit, but not enough to go bat-shit insane over them. 
Alright then. I’ll play along… for now.
“Um… Rarity?” I asked. “Do you mind if I go to the other room to take this off?” I tugged at the tight collar, while Daniel (yeah, did you forget about him again too) tried desperately not to laugh.
“Oh, go right ahead, darling! Just be sure not to tear anything!” she said, looking greatly relieved. I walked into the room and closed it quickly. I pulled the suit off, Daniel now freely laughing. He was still choking when I trotted over to the door and turned the knob experimentally. It was locked.
“Oh, predictable Rarity,” I chuckled. Daniel stood by my side.
“Danny, I’m gonna try teleporting again. Grab on!” he jumped to my side. I felt the burning sensation, then opened my eyes to Twilight’s library. Spike half-waved a hello before returning to his cleaning. I lounged about, reading, while Daniel tried to play pranks on Spike. After about a half-hour, Twilight came bursting through the door, hair slightly out of place and a terrified look on her face.
“Thank Celestia… I’m safe…” she spluttered. She turned on the light to the fiction section and gasped. I looked over to see Rarity, AJ, Rainbow, Pinkie, and Fluttershy staring at her with innocently demonic smiles.
“I CAN’T DECIDE!!!” Twilight screamed, finally snapping. “I just can’t decide! It’s important to all of you and I can’t stand to disappoint any of you, and giving me gifts and favors won’t make any difference because you’re my friends and I want to make you all happy and I can’t. I just can’t!” she put her head down, covered it with her hooves, and began shaking. Okay, that got me pissed. This was going too far, so I finally decided to add my shit to the line.
“What in the name of Luna is wrong with you ponies!” I said, the anger in my voice just barely held back by my faint psychic connection to Daniel and Brenner. I pointed to Twilight. “You’re all supposed to be her best friends, and here you are, forcing her to choose between you. Not only that, you’ve let your obsession with the tickets turn you into total assholes!” by then, Brenner and Daniel had given up trying to calm me down.
“Oh yeah?” Rainbow retorted. “Well, you’ve been trying to get her ticket the entire day! I mean, you’ve been following her!” Rarity and Pinkie nodded to this, which only pissed me off even more.
“Actually, Colors,” I said, making sure to use the nickname that irked her most. “I was spending the day trying to get to know one of my friends better. Maybe get some lunch, talk about extra-dimensional physics, stuff like that.” My voice was, to this point, deadly calm. The kind of calm that sends so many chills down your spine, you’d still freeze even if you were on fire.
The ponies, in contrast, looked so guilty you couldn’t have seen a more guilty face on a first-time offender. Dash was stunned into silence. I turned to Daniel and Starlight, who had followed Applejack in. “Protect her if need be,” I whispered to them. They nodded, eyes blazing with the anger I now felt. They situated themselves on either side of Twilight, teeth bared. I saw AJ gulp before I turned to the door.
“I’m sorry, Twi, but I need some time to think. See you later!” I slammed the door. Wandering aimlessly in my anger for a few minutes, I found the restaurant I had visited earlier. Inside was a magnificent grand piano. I knocked on the door. The waiter came up behind me.
“Excuse me, sir, but the restaurant is closed,” he said in a soft voice.
“I know,” I said in the most emotionless voice I could muster. “But do you mind if I play that piano for a while? I often find it helps to let your emotion out through music.”
The waiter nodded knowingly. He unlocked the front door and let me inside. I strode over to the piano, marveling at how smooth the keys were. Probably made with real ivory and ebony. 
After ten minutes and a few songs, I finally came upon a familiar one. I started playing. After a few bars, I heard a near-perfect voice come from behind me.
I turned to see Sweetie Belle, Applebloom, and a little pegasus filly with a gamboge coat and a royal purple mane. Sweetie Belle gave me an enormous grin, which I couldn’t help but return, and sat down next to me. We played through the rest of the song, smiling cheerfully all the while. As the song ended, Applebloom jumped up and down.
“That was awesome, Andrew,” she exclaimed. I raised an eyebrow at the name, and she blushed. “Applejack told me that you’re…”
I sighed. “That mare does have something against keeping secrets, doesn’t she?” Applebloom laughed. The pegasus filly looked at me with all the suspicions of Rainbow Dash, except with about fifty times more adorable-ness.
“Who is this guy, Applebloom?” she asked, putting her enormous eyes against mine. “Is he a spy?”
“Let me guess: fan of Dash, right?”
“Duh!” the filly said this with all the obviousity she could muster. “She’s only the fastest, coolest, awesomest, most radical, most-” Applebloom cut her off, which brought a relieved smile to my face. Suddenly, our stomachs growled in unison. I grinned.
“Come on, you three,” I said. “Let’s go back to Sweet Apple Acres and I’ll give you something to eat.”
We walked to Sweet Apple Acres in relative peace. I had to sneak through an alleyway or two when I noticed Pinkie prowling the streets, her mane flat and her eyes sad. It terrified me that I had gone so far as to invoke the dreaded “Pinkamena”. 
After maybe thirty minutes, we arrived at the main house. I walked in, saying, “Granny Smith? You still alive?” she slowly walked in, leaning on her walker.
“I ain’t dyin’ that fast, sonny,” she muttered, irritated. I laughed inwardly, turning back to the kitchen.
“Who’s up for breakfast?” I asked, shaking my hooves together.
“But it’s, like, 8:00,” Scootaloo muttered. I turned to her, twirling a knife expertly.
“Ah, but that’s the best part, dear Scootaloo,” I said, grinning. “Who needs salads when you could have some delicious eggs?” and with that, I set to work making breakfast for dinner.
Twenty minutes later, there were four plates of eggs, hash browns, apples, and juice sitting at the table. Now, I’m not exactly the best cook, especially when it comes to breakfast, but apparently I wasn’t half bad with my new appendages. I let out a small moan of delight as I sated my stomach. Thank God they had lemon trees interspersed in the most tropical portion of the farms. Otherwise, I thought I’d have to go back to town and get myself a jack-ton of lemonade.
I had fun with the fillies. After eating, Scootaloo and I had a juice-drinking competition, we played hide and seek, and just sat down and talked. It was only when Applebloom asked me why I was playing the piano that I felt a slight twinge of sadness.
“Well, I had a fight with your sister and her friends, Applebloom,” I sighed. “They were harassing Twilight on who’s going to the Gala with her. She had a breakdown, and I got, well, angry.” Applebloom and Sweetie sat by my sides sympathetically. I then felt a certain pegasus jump on my head.
“Cheer up, Andrew,” Scootaloo said happily. She shoved her eyes against mine once again, saying, “I mean, if they really feel bad, they’ll apologize to you and Twilight, and then you can all be friends again.” I started to explain to Scootaloo why that wouldn’t work, but I realized: it would work. So far, every argument I’ve seen in this world has been resolved in a matter of seconds. There’s something that anger just can’t feed on in this world. The ponies are born ready to forgive and forget; they just can’t argue.
It’s physically impossible for them to truly hate.
I heard a sudden knocking on the door. AJ walked in, looking sad. Her cheeks were red, and her eyes were watery. She looked utterly shocked to see me. She rushed up to me, crying.
“Ah’m sorry ah got carried away like that, Andrew,” she choked out. I could see the three fillies edging their way out of the room. Applebloom looked a little scared. “Ah was so excited about wantin’ ta go the Gala, ah got angry with the others. Ah never even stopped ta think about Twilight.”
I did something next that surprised even me: I hugged her. Now, this wasn’t just a hug. This was the kind of hug two people at their most vulnerable share; the kind of hug that’s just a little bit more than friendly. She was taken aback, but hugged me back. For a long time, we sat there, holding each other. At one point, I thought I heard a faint “awww”, but I dismissed that as you readers. I finally broke the hug, staring at her, all anger washed away.
“I could never stay mad at you, y’know?” I said, voice cracking slightly. She blushed slightly.
“I know.”
After that, we talked for a long time. I must have eventually dozed off, because when I opened my eyes again, it was midnight. Applejack was sleeping peacefully beside me. I chuckled slightly, and gently lifted onto my back. I climbed up the already-familiar stairs, only stopping when I reached her room. It was plain, but charming. Only one poster adorned the wall; it was of the Wonderbolts, but that wasn’t a surprise. Rainbow Dash probably gave it to her. I slowly set her on the bed, saying:
“Sweet dreams, Applejack.”
With that, I teleported to the roof of the barn. It was a warm night out, and I quickly fell asleep under my favorite things in the galaxy: the stars.

> Applebuck Season
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------




Chapter 3: Applebuck Season

I awoke to the first rays of dawn. It was a beautiful sight, now that Celestia and Luna decided they would work together on the sunrise and sunset. I rolled off the barn, grabbing my ocarina as I went. I found the Wolves in the field I was sleeping in last night, all curled up peacefully. I nearly had a D’AWWWW moment when I saw the youngest of the troop, a little cub I named Nightstar, curled up next to his mother.
Damn wolves. Why do they have to be so cute?
Daniel and Starlight greeted me at the edge of the field. They looked exhausted, bags under their eyes and movements jerky.
“You’ve been up keeping watch all night, haven’t you?” I deadpanned. The two nodded, too tired to speak.
“Go and rest for the day. You’ve earned it.” Without another word, my friends collapsed on the ground next to each other. I chuckled and went to the center of the field.
Now for the hard part.
I hadn’t done my daily routine in four days now, and though the salads were low fat, I still needed to maintain muscle. 
(Daniel here. Let’s skip ahead. You probably don’t want to read about how a pony gets all sweaty.)
I noticed Applebloom as I was doing my one-hoof push-ups. She, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were standing at the edge of the field. I finished my fifty set, but I thought of something else. I wasn’t tired yet, so I recreated my experiment from yesterday. I used magic to make a carbon copy of myself, from dirt this time. Its unseeing brown eyes stared forward as it summoned a fake Keyblade. I summoned mine, and… well, you can tell what happens from here.
Thirty minutes later, I was thoroughly exhausted and stopped the fight. What did you expect from a magic golem that can match you blow-for-blow? I stood there panting. After a minute, I called up another rain cloud and showered off.
“Hi, Andrew!” Sweetie Belle called as I shook off. Applebloom ran up to me, but Sweetie and Scoots stopped in fear when they noticed the wolves. I beckoned to them from the top of the hill.
“They won’t bite!” I shouted back. “Well, only if I tell them to.”
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo picked their way carefully around the wolves, only breathing normally when they got up to Applebloom’s position. I suddenly had another idea.
“Girls, you wanna see some magic?” I asked. They nodded, confused. I focused on recreating the dragon I had made yesterday. My horn flashed with a gold aura, and I felt Hope fill me with power. The dragon appeared slowly, pulling the water it needed from the clouds directly. As it finished, I let its eyes open. The one on the left was pure black, while the one on the right shone with white light. I heard the fillies gasp. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo hid behind me, while Applebloom just stared on in wonder. I finally felt a bit of strain from the dragon and stopped its construction before it gained free will and intelligence. It halted. Its body trickled into the ground, leaving behind two orbs of light and shadow. They combined, and in a burst of fire, became nothing. I sat back, now so tired I felt like I’d pass out.
“Applebloom, would you get me a few apples, please?” I asked. “Magic like that really takes it out of me.” She nodded and tried bucking a tree, which yielded about a dozen apples. I swallowed three, then split the rest between the fillies. 
A few minutes later, I was feeling relatively normal (meaning I didn’t stumble all over myself when I tried to walk). I led the fillies down to the base of the hill. Just before we got to the orchard, a black flicker caught my eye.
“Hi, Nightstar,” I said, not looking up. The cub peered out from behind the tree.
“How’d you know I was there, uncle?” he asked.
“Too slow, Night. You’re getting there, but you’re still just too slow to beat my eyes.”
Night hung his head. “Sorry, uncle.”
I laughed. “What do you have to be sorry about, Night? You’ve got to be the fastest kid I’ve ever seen.” I looked up to see the girls only slightly ahead. “Girls, come here.” I presented Nightstar. He looked at them with a little uncertainty.
“Girls, this is Nightstar. He’s the youngest member of the pack.”
Scootaloo leaned back a little, and Sweetie Belle had fear in her eyes, but Applebloom was shining with happiness. She bounded forward, taking Nightstar by surprise.
“Hi!” she exclaimed. “Ah’m Applebloom! If yer one of Andrew’s friends, then ah hope we can be good friends too!” Nightstar was definitely taken by surprise, I can say that much. He stumbled a bit, wheeling backwards.
“Really?” he asked. “You’d want to be my friend?”
Applebloom looked a bit confused. “Why wouldn’t ah?”
Nightstar looked down again. “Well, I’ve always been the… runt… of the litter.” He spat out runt as an insult. Applebloom sized him up carefully, then gave him a thump on the head.
“Ow!” Night muttered. “What was that for?”
“Well, ah’ve always been the ‘runt of the litter’ too. See, us three are the only ones in Ponyville without Cutie Marks.” She showed him her flank for emphasis. “Just because yer a runt doesn’t mean ya gotta be alone yer whole life.” She gave Night a small smile. He slowly returned one.
“Uncle Andrew, is it okay if I stay with Applebloom and her friends for the day?” he asked me, grinning. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle gasped before jumping on me.
“Please, Andrew?” Scoots begged. She gave me the puppy-dog-eyes. I then proceeded to have a heated argument with myself.
No. I say it one more time, no.
But… the eyes…
NO!
“Sure.”
Goddamn you conscience! You’re supposed to be immune for that stuff.
Night jumped up and down with Scootaloo. “Thanks, Uncle!” he said. They both crushed me in a hug.
“Alright, I get it. You’re happy. Now, could you please stop before my ribs and spine shatter?” I asked in a pained voice. They gave me sheepish smiles and backed away.
“God, I hope there’s a masseuse in this town. My back is killing me from all that applebucking yesterday.”
Applebloom looked at me funny. “Yeah, Aloe and her sister Lotus run a spa in town.”
“Okay, I’m not one for spas, but who wants to be the most relaxed ponies in Equestria?” I asked. Sweetie Belle and Applebloom squealed, while Night and Scootaloo sighed.
“Alright, let’s go,” Scootaloo muttered. She fluttered off, followed closely by Night. Sweetie, Applebloom and I followed them. Though the two fillies had a bounce in their step, I couldn’t reciprocate, as the pain in my back made it a challenge to even walk.
The spa came into view shortly after we left the forest (and I was in agonizing pain the whole time). I sighed with relief when I saw Aloe sitting in the window, looking bored. The bell above the door tinkled when we opened it, and Aloe rushed over.
“Why, hello Dusk!” she said in a cheery French accent. It didn’t escape me that she used my Equestrian name instead of my real one.
“Hello, Aloe. How much will it cost for me, three fillies, and a wolf to get full treatments?” I asked tiredly, motioning for Night to reveal himself to Aloe and Lotus. They recoiled slightly, but quickly recovered.
“Nonsense, Dusk.” Aloe looked slightly offended. “All first-timers get their treatments free. As for the wolf… we have a treatment for Applejack’s dog, Winona, which would most likely work.”
“Thanks,” Night said. Again, the sisters managed to hide their surprise.
“Right this way,” Lotus said. She beckoned the fillies to a steam-filled room, while another assistant led Night off deeper into the spa, and Aloe brought me to a high table with an indent in it.
About an hour later, I emerged from the spa with my little charges, feeling completely refreshed.
“Ahh,” I sighed. “That massage was the best I’ve ever had.”
This massage was completely put out of my mind, however, when the ground began to shake. My body involuntarily vibrated, and my voice decided to go along for the ride.
“H-e-e-e-y-y-y-y!” I exclaimed. “T-t-t-t-h-h-i-i-i-s-s i-i-i-i-s-s-s c-c-c-c-o-o-o-o-o-o-l-l-l!”
“Pinkie, Andrew, are you two crazy?!” Twilight called from somewhere. Oh no, I’m crazy. What’s the big deal?
“YEEHAW!” I heard a familiar voice shout out behind the now-noticeable stampede of cows. I grinned from ear to ear. Pinkie sat down next to me, holding a bag of popcorn. I levitated a few kernels to myself and hoof-bumped her.
Applejack was single-hoofedly bringing a stampede of cattle under control.
Why does she have to be so damn awesome, as well as hot?
Several minutes, an explanation by talking cows, and Winona introducing herself to Night rather… ecstatically, I was sitting by Pinkie and the Mayor.
“Applejack was just… just…”
“Appletastic?” Pinkie and I supplied. The Mayor nodded.
“Exactly. We must do something to honor her for helping out so much and saving the town…”
Pinkie grinned, then turned towards the computer screen. “You readers are thinking what I’m thinking, right?” she asked. My jaw dropped.
“Dear God… Pinkie… are you a fourth-wall breaker?”
“Well duh, silly!” she exclaimed. “Didn’t you see the way I cut the fade-out at the end of episode 2?”
“Sorry, Pinkie. Must have still been on Earth during that one.”
“Um, can somepony explain what those two are doing?” Rarity asked the small group of ponies behind us. I grinned.
“We, my dear Rarity, are destroying reality bit by bit.”

It had been a week. A week and four days since I’d landed myself in Equestria, and I’d finally managed to convince myself someone did not put a large dosage of bath salts in my Mountain Dew. The two parts of it that unnerved me were:
1.	I was a person- erm, pony- from another dimension. Even though I was in pony form and I had a good cover, it still freaked me out just how accepting these ponies were of everything. It was a peaceful system, but that system only survived because nothing was trying to cause harm.
2.	The fact that I had only seen AJ twice in the past week. Normally, she was helping her friends, and as such, got to see her all the time. Hell, I was living in the loft of her barn.
5. You get the reference, right?
As Pinkie and I put up the last streamers for the party (the damn ribbons at the bottom of the gazebo kept disappearing to who-knows-where), I had to shoo off Applebloom and her friends. I was now officially a babysitter, seeing as Rarity, Big Mac, and the matron of Scootaloo’s orphanage (she’s like me, except orange, has wings, and is female [Scootaloo, I mean]) offered to pay me to keep them occupied. I was now stashing a handy sum of bits, ready to be used anytime.
I waited in silent anticipation for AJ to finally reappear. Once Twilight had been interrupted (for the third time) the curtain was pulled back to reveal…
Nothing.
“Where’s Applejack?” Spike said from next to me.
“Quite a good question, Spike. In fact, you just gave the universe an opening for her to show up. in 3… 2… 1…”
“Ah’m here!” a groggy voice called back. I turned to a mystified Spike.
“But… how did you…” he muttered.
“I’m friends with Pinkie,” I stated flatly.
I glanced over at AJ. She had bags under her eyes, she was stumbling, and she was dropping apples left and right. Okay, now I know why she’s been missing for a week. No one should go out in public looking that tired.
“Sorry ah’m late, everypony,” she muttered, stumbling again. “Whoa- ah was just- whoa- did I get yer tail, Miss Mayor? Thank ya kindly for this here… award thingy.” She yawned. “It’s so bright and shiny, and- I sure do look funny, heh- ooh.”
Okay, either AJ is thoroughly exhausted, or she is high as fuck.
“Okay…” Twilight said, obviously disturbed by AJ’s behavior. “Well, thank you Applejack for saving us from that scary stampede, and for always being there for everypony.”
“Yeah. Ah like helping the pony folks. Um, thanks.”
AJ trotted back to the farm with the award in tow and a trail of perfectly good apples behind her.
“Was it just me,” Twilight asked, “or did Applejack seem a little…”
“Tired?” Dash said.
“Dizzy?” Fluttershy whispered.
“Messy?” Rarity asked. We all looked at her. “Well, did you see the state her mane was in?”
“I was gonna go with stoned, but I’m guessing you ponies don’t have drugs here,” I said.
Twilight sighed and trotted off after AJ. I followed at a brisk pace, hoping to figure out what was going on.
After about a half hour, Twilight and I reached Sweet Apple Acres. The heat of the sun was unbearable, and I was sweating by the time I passed the gates. Applebloom automatically shot into the clearing with a huge mug of lemonade.
“Applebloom, you have no idea how much I appreciate this,” I gasped. I chugged the drink, holding it with one hoof, and ruffling AB’s mane with the other. She laughed a bit, then tackled and proceeded to question me.
“So, what’cha doing here do early, Andrew?” she asked. I sighed.
“Applebloom, what’s been going on with AJ? She looks like she’s met Morpheus.” Twilight gave me a questioning look, but I just shot her a glance that said I’ll tell you later.
“Well, ah don’t know ‘bout this Morpheus fella, but Applejack’s been trying to harvest all the apples in the orchard.”
“Is she crazy?!” I shouted, startling Twilight. “I’ve seen those orchards myself! They go on for miles in all directions!”
Applebloom nodded. “She’s still stubborn as a mule.” I noticed a mule that had happened to stroll on by. “No offense,” I murmured.
“None taken,” it replied.
Oh, just fuck my life right now. Now I have to deal with talking donkeys too?
Oh, and if you haven’t noticed, I’ve been a bit crabby today. Guess what pink bouncing creature broke into the barn, found my secret napping place, and woke me up at four in the morning?
Twilight and I found AJ bucking apples nearly an hour later. She was even more erratic than before, and was often knocking herself over instead of the apples. I walked up to her, sighing.
“Well, howdy there, Andrew,” she said, head twisting around. “What can… what can I do ya fer?”
“What you can do, AJ, is put your stubborn pride aside and ask for some help,” Twilight said flatly. AJ looked shocked.
“Twilight, that ain’t very nice of ya!” she said, a bit irritated. “Besides, ah ain’t being stubborn. Big Mac got hurt by an outta control cart a few days ago, and Applebloom ain’t strong enough to buck yet.”
“Hey!” I said. “What about me and the Wolves?”
“Yer not technically family,” she stated. Great excuse, AJ.
“What about your friends?” Twilight asked. “We’d love to help you if you need it.”
“Ah said no, and that’s final!” AJ exclaimed, bucking a tree in her annoyance. One of the apples flew so far off the tree it impaled itself on my horn.
“Classic,” I explained to Twilight, who was on the ground laughing at me. I brushed the remains of apple off my horn and looked up to find that AJ was already halfway down the path, bucking apples again.
“Does that pony ever give up?” I sighed, putting my face to my hoof. Twilight shook her head.
“I’ll give you fifty bits if you can get her to stop.”

I stalked around town after that, hoping something good were to come of it. To my surprise, a heavenly smell was wafting up the street from Sugarcube Corner. When I turned the corner, I was met with the most delicious muffins I’d ever seen. They were golden brown, flaky, and overall superb. I noticed AJ was standing behind the counter, though, so I decided to hang back and see if anypony got poisoned.
I was a very good judge in that regard.
I watched as Derpy Hooves, who had delivered mail to the Acres every morning, dropped to the ground, clutching at her stomach. The other ponies keeled over as well. Pinkie frowned.
“Aw, come on! They can’t be that bad,” she said, taking a bite out of a muffin. She immediately began to vomit. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw AJ trotting back to the farm. I followed, watching her stop by Rainbow Dash, then lost interest and dashed over to Twilight’s library.
“Twilight?” I called from the depths of the tree. She scooted over on a ladder.
“Oh, hey Andrew. “What do you need?”
“I was wondering if you had any books on advanced magic.”
“Okay, I think there’s one right over here…” she rummaged through the shelves before pulling out an enormous black tome. She dropped it to me, nearly tearing her own foreleg off in the process from trying to lift it. I thanked her and struggled to the balcony, where I opened the magic book to a random page.
“Magic,” I read, “Is most commonly known as grammarye, for its use of mental language. Indeed, the only limitations of a unicorn’s magic is its imagination, as well as what energy they can muster. As such, the spells in this book are highly dangerous and can only be performed by the most powerful of unicorns, ere Death you will meet.” I chuckled at that. “This first spell is not often used for anything besides installing fear, but the possible uses for it are deadly. To create a copy of what you are thinking, simply imagine an element of nature coalescing to form that object.” Just then, a rainbow blur went flying into me.
“Hi, Dash,” I muttered.
“Hey,” she said back, albeit a little tiredly. I went back to reading my book while Dash took off. After several hours, I decided to leave the library and head back ‘home’.
And I was greeted with another goddamn problem. Great.
“Applejack!” Twilight said desperately.
“NO!” AJ yelled. “Ah will not accept any help from anypony!” she bucked another tree. “Ha!” she exclaimed triumphantly. “See? Ah harvested all of Sweet Apple Acres, all by mahself! How do you like them apples?”
Big Mac trotted up from behind me. “How do you like them apples?” he said, pointing to a whole other field of covered apple trees. AJ gaped. She muttered incoherently for a moment, then dropped to the ground, unconscious. I sighed and picked her up.
“Twi, you go and round up the girls. I’ll keep AJ from breaking her legs.” Twilight nodded and zoomed off. I trotted back to the farm, AJ on my back (again). As I reached the house, I swore I could see Applebloom trying lemonade herself in the kitchen. Good. She finally knows good taste. I got to AJ’s room and carefully deposited her on the bed. Then, very slowly, I made my way out to finish Applebuck Season.

Applejack woke up with a start. At first she couldn’t understand why she was in such a rush, but then she remembered Applebuck Season. Racing outside to the starry night, she completely ignored the fact that she was not in the fields anymore, but rather in her room. She opened the door to reveal an astonishing sight: all of the trees in the orchard had been bucked clean, without a single leaf on the ground. Looking around to see who did it, she finally found her culprits: five mares and a grey stallion were curled up at different places in the clearing. Beside each of them was a member of the Wolves, snoring softly. She smiled, knowing they must have worked themselves to the bone. She picked up Andrew and carried him to his temporary bed. Unbeknownst to her, he opened an eye just a fraction of an inch. He grinned as she set him down and went to get her other friends.
“I was on someone else’s back for once,” he whispered as she turned a corner. “Goodnight, my friends.”
He closed his one eye and drifted off to sleep again.

> Griffon the Brush Off
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------





Chapter 4: Griffon the Brush Off

I awoke to the sound of metal screeching to a halt. It was safe to say my first thought had much cursing and revenges against whatever had disrupted the beautiful sleep I was getting. Opening my eyes, I saw a certain Pinkie Pie doing who-knows-what with pots, pans, and a hoof-file.
“Pinkie, what are you doing?” I muttered, waving in her general direction.
“I’m waking you up, silly!” she said, as if this were the most obvious thing on the planet. “I mean, the readers don’t want to hear about you dreaming for the next chapter, do they?”
“I suppose you’re right.” I pushed myself off the pile of hay I was sleeping on, and landed flat on my face. “Oof. That’s gonna hurt in the evening.” Pinkie rushed over to me.
“Get your face off the ground, Andy!” she said excitedly. Andy… I hate that name. “Don’t you want to surf the internet using the readers’ computers?”
“Pinkie, what are you talking about?” Twilight called from about ten feet to our right.
“Pinkie, remember the rules of the internet. Remember everything that can go wrong?”
She shivered at the mention of the rules of the internet. “I guess you’re right,” she muttered before trotting off. I heard her mutter something about ‘Rule 34’ and shudder. I grinned.
I finally found a weakness in the breaking of fourth-wallism!
After silent celebration, I went off with Pinkie and Rainbow Dash to play pranks on others. I do have to admit, it was quite good fun. The look on Spike’s face when Rainbow kicked a storm cloud in front of him was priceless.
“Uh *hic* oh,” Spike said, before burping green flame all over the scrolls in his hand.
“You’re not hurt, are you?” Pinkie asked in a worried tone.
“Nah *hic*. Don’t be *hic* silly. Dragons are *hic* fireproof.”
“What I’m worried about is Celestia getting crushed under all the letters you just sent her,” I put in. Spike was mortified. 
“You’re right!” he shouted. He ran around trying to grab the letters, but each time he did, he would accidentally burp dragon fire on them. Ah, I had a bad feeling about this. I could just imagine Celestia underneath a pile of scrolls. The thought of this, combined with Spike’s futile attempts at cleaning up, finally got me laughing. The four of us sat there in tears for a good five minutes, until Pinkie finally recovered enough to speak.
“Have you ever seen anything more hilarious?” Pinkie asked us.
“I can think of one thing,” Rainbow muttered. I was lucky enough to see Rainbow coil her back hooves and slam them into the cloud again. Since it didn’t startle me, and my unnatural immunity to sneezes, coughs, and hiccups (no idea how that came about, by the way), Rainbow was slightly crestfallen when she saw me standing there with a raised eyebrow.
Pinkie hiccupped. The surprise that anything could startle her got me laughing all over again. A few minutes later, when all was said and giggled, the three of us were on our way to the next ‘destination’.
The next stop was Rarity’s. We stuffed a bouquet of flowers with sneeze powder and waited. Once Rarity finally came and predictably, stuck her nose in the flowers, the laughter was immediate. She began sneezing so hard, the saliva she blew out was opaque. Rainbow made a, well, dash for it, knocking over the tin of sneeze powder. The cloud of powder got Pinkie in the face, and she sneezed with enough force to send her flying. The last thing I thought before pink completely obscured my vision was that for six glorious hours, I was not the crash mat of other ponies.
After a quick trip to the hospital to make sure none of my bones and/or organs were permanently damaged, we got back to pranking. Our next stop was Twilight’s. I used my magic to go invisible and sneak an inkwell of invisible ink to her experiment. As she was recording her notes, Rainbow and I couldn’t help but snigger a little. When Twilight turned back to see that her notes were gone, the potion puffed once, then turned the color of emeralds. It then proceeded to explode violently, revealing the invisible ink. Once making sure Twilight wasn’t hurt, we laughed our faces off, then ran to pull our next prank.
The next prank was for AJ. We hand-painted all of the apples different colors and ran off with her pelting apples at us. I don’t know why she was so angry; I personally thought they’d be good for business. Kind of like that one SpongeBob episode.
Our final prank took us to the lake, where Pinkie set up a fake squirting turtle. Rainbow looked out through the telescope on her right, giggling.
“Who’re we gonna squirt?” Pinkie asked, a rubber balloon filled with water in her mouth.
“Fluttershy,” Rainbow giggled.
“Are you crazy?!” Pinkie and I screeched at the same time. “She’s Fluttershy!” I said.
“Yeah!” Pinkie added. “She’s sooo sensitive. Even our most harmless prank will end up hurting her feelings.”
“Ugh, fine,” Rainbow relented. “We need somepony made of tougher stuff.” As soon as she pulled her face away, I burst into laughter again. Pinkie had put ink on the ring surrounding the magnifying lens of the telescope, so when Rainbow put her eye to it, the ink stuck to her face. Rainbow looked at me oddly.
“I… I think we know someone who fits the description,” I managed to choke out. Rainbow cocked her head inquisitively.
“Really? Do I know them?” she asked. At this point, Pinkie was laughing too.
“Yeah… you know them… really well,” she gasped. She pointed to the pond. Rainbow leaned over it and, after a half-dozen seconds, realized the prank.
“Good one, guys!” she said, and fell back with us. For a long time we laughed, the sounds of Fluttershy poking the fake turtle only barely audible. I eventually had to leave them, for fear of not getting any sleep that night. I trudged down to the barn, exhausted, waiting for the new day to come.

I woke to a cacophony of noise. Pinkie was standing over me, with odd green glasses, a fake moustache, an arrow through her head, a clown's ball-nose, and a party-popper in her mouth.
“Wake up, Andrew!” she hissed. “We’ve got a lot of pranking to do.”
“Sure, Pinks.” I looked around, realizing where I was. “But first, can you get off of me before the readers start jumping to conclusions?”
“Oh!” Pinkie scrambled back, startled at her lack of awareness of you readers. “Sorry, Andrew!”
“No problem, Pinkie. Where did you say Rainbow’s house was?”
“Oh, it’s in the sky.”
“Oh, that’s helpful. Okay, we’ll need a cloud-walking spell and teleportation. Hang on a sec, Pinkie. This’ll tingle.”
I focused on Pinkie and myself and imagined us walking on clouds. There was a faint pop and a mild tickling sensation, then all was normal. “Alright, now for the teleport. Pinkie, hold on and shut your eyes!”
Pinkie squeezed a hoof around me and shut her eyes. I felt the burning pass, and suddenly we were on top of…
A cloud mansion. You have got to be kidding me.
Seriously, it was quite possibly the awesomest thing I’ve ever seen. The architecture was amazing; it reminded me of the Parthenon. The only problem was the choice of decoration. There were rainbows everywhere. I was beginning to feel the post-teleportation migraine I had recently begun developing, so I sat down and picked at a piece of cloud. I tried dipping it in the rainbow and popped it in my mouth. It was like cotton candy, only extremely spicy. As I tried washing the taste out of my mouth, Pinkie explored. As soon as the fire was no longer dripping off my tongue, I followed.
Rainbow certainly did have an impressive setup. A plush couch, huge living room, and even a cloud fireplace in a corner. And by that fireplace…
“No.” I stared at the ice-blue beauty. “Is that a guitar?”
It certainly was a guitar. A six stringed, blue, awesome electric guitar at that. I picked it up gingerly, making sure not to scuff it. I twiddled the knobs, then tried an E-chord. It sounded perfect. I tried playing Skillet’s “Monster”. The guitar never failed. I was just starting “Ammunition” when an angry voice came from outside.
“There’s a burglar in my house?! If I get my hands on you, I will-” I cut her off by continuing the song while she yelled a stream of very creative curses. She rounded the corner, a frying pan in her hand. I kept playing, completely oblivious to her antics. I must have used magic subconsciously, because when I finished the song and looked up, Rainbow was repeatedly trying to hit a golden barrier with said frying pan. The pissed-off pegasus only looked up when she was panting from exertion.
“I’m… gonna… get… y- ANDREW?!” she yelled. “What are you doing with my guitar?”
“Well, I was just walking on by when I said to myself, “It’s a good day out. You know what I wanna do? Steal from Rainbow Dash.” So, I found Pinkie, teleported up here, decided to blow up your toaster, and take your guitar. Is that a problem?” I said, sarcasm dripping from my voice. Rainbow’s eyes widened. 
“You were the one that blew up my toaster?” she asked incredulously. I shrugged.
“Nah, that was probably Pinkie. But the guitar is awesome. Where’d you get it?”
She was just about to answer when a… griffon… walked into the room. Seriously. A griffon. It was definitely female, if it was in Dash’s house (does not mean Dash is a lesbian). It took one look at me and shrieked, “Thief!” I once again had to pull up my barrier to deflect a storm of razor-like talons.
“Keep your little friend under control, Colors!” I yelled while struggling to back away.
“Gilda!” Rainbow said. “He’s no thief. Actually, he’s a friend of mine.” The griffon backed off, eyeing me suspiciously.
“So, Andrew?” Rainbow asked, hovering above me. “What’d you come over for?”
“That’s right!” I face-hoofed myself. “Pinkie dragged me over here to ask if you wanna go pranking today. Where is she, anyway?”
“I’m right here!” Pinkie exclaimed, dropping from the ceiling. I tried to figure out how exactly she’d managed to get on the ceiling when the entire house was made of clouds, but thought better of it.
“I’d love to, guys, but I promised Gilda we’d get a flying session in after breakfast.”
Pinkie was slightly crestfallen, but I just put a hoof behind my head and laid on the couch. “It’s cool, Colors.”
Rainbow took off, flying to a nearby cloud and motioning for Gilda to follow. Before flying off herself, she turned to me.
“I’ve got my eye on you,” she hissed. I opened my eyes and stared at her with my signature “bring it on, asshole” look.
“Likewise,” I said. She fumed for a moment before storming off to find Dash. I turned to Pinkie.
“You’re gonna follow them, aren’t you?” I asked. She nodded happily. “Good luck.” I cancelled the cloud-walking spell on myself and dropped out of the house. About fifty feet from the ground I cast a teleportation spell, this one taking me to Twilight’s library. I rounded the corner to see her studying a book intensely.
“Hey, Twi.”
She just waved at me half-heartedly before returning to the book. I swear, that pony does absolutely nothing other than study. 
I browsed for a while, eventually coming up with a series of books called “Daring Do”. It seems she’s the ponified Indiana Jones. Now all I need is pony Bourne, and I’m good for the next few days. I was just starting on “Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone” when a very angry Pinkie stomped in. 
“What’s up, Pinkie?” I asked with a little concern.
“What’s up is that Gilda is a mean-grumpy-mean-meanie pants!” Pinkie snarled.
“Pinkie Pie, are you sure that this friend of Rainbow’s is really so mean?” Twilight asked, still not looking up from her book.
“Um, yeah!” Pinkie exclaimed. “She keeps stealing Rainbow Dash away, she popped my balloons, and she told me to buzz off! I’ve never met a griffon this mean.” She paused. “Actually, I’ve never met a griffon at all, but if I had, I bet she wouldn’t be as mean as Gilda!”
“You know what I think, Pinkie?” Twilight said. “I think you’re… jealous.”
“WHAT?!” Pinkie yelled.
“Green with envy,” Spike put in.
“Well, in this case, pink with envy,” I added. I couldn’t help but chuckle at my choice of words.
“Pinkie, just because Rainbow Dash has a new friend doesn’t mean she’s a pest. Maybe it’s you that needs to change her attitude.”
“Improve my attitude?!” Pinkie shrieked. “But I… it’s Gilda that… are you serious?!” she stormed out of the library.
“Twilight, I’m gonna go check on her,” I said. She nodded, head finally coming up from the book.
I walked through the town, trying to locate the pink wonder. I finally found her sitting at a small table, sipping a milkshake. I sat down next to her and duplicated the milkshake with magic.
“Pinkie, what’s up? You’re seriously pissed, I can see that. But what makes Gilda so much of a jerk that you won’t consider rethinking it?” I took a big sip of milkshake. Mmm, strawberry. She was about to answer when someone behind us screamed.
“RATTLER!” Granny Smith yelled, then started muttering incoherently and zoomed off at the speed of about one mile per hour. I looked at the stand behind her to see a familiar tail poking through the vegetables. Gilda poked her head out and said, “This stuff ain’t fresh, dude!”
“Okay, I can see where you’re going with this,” I murmured to Pinkie, who nodded. We watched Gilda further terrorize the citizens. She snuck an apple from a basket with her tail and popped it in her mouth.
“I was right!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Not only is she mean, she’s a thief!” then she thumped herself. “No, maybe she’ll give it back.”
“Pinkie, by now, giving it back would be more of an insult,” I muttered. I suddenly noticed Fluttershy on a collision course with Gilda. Oh, this is not going to be good…
“Hey!” Gilda shouted. “I’m walkin’ here!”
“Oh,” Fluttershy muttered, obviously terrified. “I was just trying to…”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Gilda imitated. “Why don’t you watch where you’re going?”
Fluttershy squeaked something out. Gilda drew a huge breath, then roared a lion’s roar. Fluttershy screamed, then ran off crying.
“That’s it, I’m beating the life out of her,” I hissed. I stalked towards her.
“Hey, Gilda!” I said. She turned and glared vehemently (I’ve always wanted to use that word!) at me.
“Oh, it’s the thief. What do you want?”
“What I want is for you to stop being such an ass to my friends,” I snarled. She grinned cockily.
“Oh yeah? And what are you gonna do about it?” with that, she flew up above the buildings and blew a raspberry at me. I used magic to lock her wings, dropping her to the ground. I turned her mouth into a zipper and levitated her to eye level.
“Next time, you’re not getting off so easy,” I said in a calm voice. I flung her across the town square and trotted back to Pinkie. “Pinkie Pie, I hope you have a better plan than I do.”
She smiled from ear to ear, and whispered her idea in my ear.

“Welcome!” Pinkie exclaimed in a cheery voice. I really hoped that her plan would work; it’s not easy putting so many pranks up in an hour. As Dash walked in, she rushed immediately over to me.
“Gilda told me what you did,” she spat. I merely nodded.
“And I suppose only one side of the story was told?”
“I don’t need to hear your side of the story,” she said. She turned away. “I heard enough from my friend.” I just smiled sadly. Oh well, the truth would be revealed soon.
Pinkie set up some genius pranks. There was the snakes-in-a-can, the re-lighting birthday candles, the pepper-in-the-food, the dribble glass, and the good ol’ tricking-your-target-into-thinking-she’s-getting-pranked-when-she’s-really-not-so-she-makes-a-complete-fool-of-herself trick. Finally Gilda snapped, and with a loud roar, started berating the group. I snickered, then headed to the edge of town to work the final phase of the plan.
About five minutes later, Gilda came storming down the path. I grinned, then called out to her. She whirled and shot towards me, trying to slash my face. As soon as the claw got within my reach, it stopped suddenly. I motioned for Gilda to look down. She did so, a look of rising terror on her face. In front of her was a black void. A pale arm was rising out of it, holding Gilda’s talons in place. The thing in the pit raised its head, revealing a grinning face with empty sockets for eyes and long, lank hair. Gilda screamed once, trying to release herself from the grip. Once the Grudge finally let go, she flew off, screaming, into the sky. I chuckled and dismissed the illusion magic and walked back to Sweet Apple Acres.
Once I got back to the Acres, the Wolves and I got to work bucking the rest of the grown apples. I managed to balance sixteen buckets on my head at once, if you can believe it. I jumped into bed, waiting for the blackness of sleep to overtake me. What I saw, however, frightened me.

It was a face, a horrid face that reminded me of the Ring Girl, the Grudge Girl, and a Heartless at the same time. It was laughing maniacally, struggling to break out of crumbling stone chains.
“Soon,” it told me. I felt a chill creep up my spine. “Soon, I will be free. I can see the rage coming, brighter and brighter like a bonfire. It will be soon, my host, and then I will rampage until nothing is left of this world!” it broke into another fit of laughter as the scene started to fade away.
“Wait!” I shouted. It turned to me, curiosity shining in its unblinking gaze. “What are you? Who are you?”
“I suppose I had a name once, but it has been long forgotten. Call me Vael, for I will break the veil that will lead me to eternal carnage. As for what I am…” it leaned closer, its shifting face burning in the pale moonlight. “… I’m you.”




A/N
Thank you everypony who has liked The Everlasting Hope, and a thank you to everypony who disliked it as well. I Hope (hah, get it) the mystery of the beast will be a good enough intro to the next chapter. A special thanks to rainbowdash_25 and Skillet (the band) for giving me the best idea I’ve had for a while, which will hopefully stand out in the next chapter. I hope that story’s coming along well, rainbow!

> The Monster Within/Boast Busters
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------




Chapter 5: The Monster Within/Boast Busters

I dropped back into my thoughts again, thinking of the haunting face of Vael in my dreams again. The chains were only wire-thin the night before. I was worried what would happen if he could finally break free: would the Wolves and I be able to seal him away again? Looking at his chains in my mind, they had obviously held for thousands of years. If something like that needed chains so strong, how was it possible for me to defeat it?
No, I was forgetting my friends. They wouldn’t possibly abandon me.
But what if they got hurt in the process? I’d never forgive myself if they got hurt, especially AJ. But if I don’t let them help, I’ll probably die, and then where would I be?
“Andrew… ANDREW!” Twilight yelled, snapping me out of my reverie.
“Huh?” I asked. “Oh, right. We were talking about illusion spells, right?”
“Andrew, that was fifteen minutes ago.”
“Wow, time really does fly.” I gave a weak chuckle. “Well, Twilight, I’ve gotta go. Ponies to see, things to do and such.”
“I’m coming with you.”
“What?” I asked, mildly surprised. “Don’t you trust me?”
“Frankly, no.” Ouch. That really hurt, Twi. “You’re hiding something; I can tell.”
Dammit. I thought I’d be able to get away and think for myself. For the past two weeks, my friends had me horn-deep in work so I couldn’t worry myself about Vael. They knew something was bothering me, and they were trying to take my mind off it. Even Death popped in once or twice to distract me. Why couldn’t they realize I just wanted to think?
“Fine,” I muttered. She brightened up when she realized I had given in. we walked out of the store, me trying to focus. Just when I thought I’d have a good strategy, it would be completely forgotten by a bright flash of color walking by. Why do all these ponies have to be Technicolor?
I was finally getting to the point of anger when a huge explosion rattled the town. I looked over at Twilight, who had a stunned expression on her face. We raced to the center of the town square to find…
A trailer. A real horse trailer.
The sight of it got me laughing so hard, a small group of ponies was hovering around me, concerned. When my fit was finally over, I managed to right myself. There was a bluish unicorn with a powdery blue-silver mane standing in front of the now-apparent stage. The mare was wearing a classic wizard’s hat and cape and was bragging so much it hurt just uncovering my ears.
So, now we have the self-centered Gandalf pony? Universe, you never cease to amaze me.
“Come one, come all, to see the magic of the Great and Powerful Trixie!” the unicorn shouted, fireworks and smoke popping out from the stage.
“Come Advil, come Aspirin, to relieve the Great and Powerful migraine,” I moaned as the noise took its toll on me. Once the headache had passed, I resumed listening.
“Watch and be amazed as the Great and Powerful Trixie performs feats of magic never before seen by pony eyes!” the unicorn said. Okay, Gandalf pony talks in third person, too. Why did I just mentally file that under “important information”?
“My, my, my,” Rarity said disdainfully. “What boasting.”
“Come on, nopony is as magical as Twilight… Twi…” Spike stopped talking when he noticed Rarity. “Oh… um, hey, Rarity. I, um… moustache!” Spike zoomed back to Twilight and me.
“There’s nothing wrong with being talented, is there?” Twilight asked.
“Nothin’ at all,” AJ replied. “Except when ya go showing it off like a school filly with fancy new ribbons.”
“Just because one has the ability to perform lots of magic does not mean they are better than the rest of us,” Rarity stated.
“Especially when you have me being better than the rest of us,” Rainbow put in. AJ and I glared at her. “Um, I mean… magic schmagic! Boo!”
“Well, it seems we have some neighsayers (another pony pun? I love this world!) in the crowd,” Trixie said. “Who is so ignorant as to challenge the magical abilities of the Great and Powerful Trixie? Do they not know they are in the presence of the most magical unicorn in all of Equestria?”
Rarity snorted. “Just who does she think she is?”
“Yeah!” Spike popped up from between the three of us. “Besides, everypony knows that Twilight here-” he was cut off as Twi dragged him off to the side. 
“So, Great and Powerful Trixie, what makes you think you’re so awesome anyway?” Rainbow zoomed up and  glared at her. Trixie flashed a triumphant smile.
“Trixie is the only unicorn in Equestria to have such awesome magic as to defeat the 
Ursa Major!” she exclaimed. Getting a lot of confused looks, she elaborated.
“When the citizens of Hoofington were in mortal peril from the dreaded Ursa Major, the Great and Powerful Trixie defeated it and banished it back to its cave, deep in the Everfree forest!” a spark of fireworks proclaimed an enormous blue bear being zapped by a Trixie-esque shape. The crowd cheered, while Rarity, Rainbow and I yawned dismissively.
“That settles it!” a rather fat unicorn colt said. 
“Trixie truly is the most talented unicorn in all of town,” his lanky friend stated.
“No, in all of Equestria!” the fat one exclaimed.
“How do you know?!” Spike stormed. “You didn’t see it. And besides, Twilight-” she zipped his mouth, cutting him off again.
“It’s true, my little admirers,” Trixie bragged. “Trixie certainly is the most powerful unicorn in Equestria.” There was silence. “Don’t believe Trixie? Then I issue a challenge to all you Ponyvillians. Anything you can do, I can do better.”
“Finally, I can show this unicorn up,” I muttered. It was at this unfortunate moment, though, that Trixie noticed me. More specifically, my lack of a cutie mark.
“Oh, a blank flank?” she asked with an amused grin. “Did you never discover your talent, or are you just useless?” she looked me over entirely. “Then again, maybe you’re not that useless.” She trotted closer, a lustful smirk on her face. “Maybe you’d like to come over later and I could help you find that special talent.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “In your dreams, and in my nightmares, Trixie.”
Trixie faltered. “Oh well, suit yourself. I don’t go around offering free rides, you know.”
“So, you normally charge for them?” I asked, a devilish grin on my face. Trixie went crimson. “Now, I’ll take you up on that bet. Twilight, Rainbow, AJ, I need your help with this.” The three ponies gathered around me, hesitant.
“Alright. Rainbow, I need you to get as many clouds as possible. AJ, have a lasso on standby. Twilight.” I whispered my plan in her ear, her eyes widening.
“Are you insane?!” she hissed. “That could get us all killed.”
“Eh, I’ve been in worse danger.” Don’t I know it.
“Fine.”
“Sweet!” I shouted. “Colors, are those clouds ready?”
She punched a hole in one and gave me a thumbs-up (or as close to one as she could get with a hoof). AJ was twirling her lasso above her head. I started the spell, feeling the rush of magic in my veins. Twilight, supplementing my magic, started her half of the spell. I saw the aqua dragon quickly take shape. It had a long muzzle, with a nose like a spade and ears like fins. Its light-and-shadow eyes stared forward without recognition. Instead of letting the magic go, I implanted more into it. As much as me and Twilight added, however, it still wouldn’t activate that spark of life. 
Well, in all fairness, I was trying to create life. It was bound to be pretty hard.
Brenner appeared next to me, fur waving in the magical wind. Twilight gasped at his appearance. I shot her a look that said “not now”, then turned back to the wolf.
“It’s possible,” he explained. “You just need to find that bit that fits in perfectly. The Allspark, if you will.”
“You know I don’t like sci-fi references. Sci-fi itself is fine, but when you bring the whole reference thing to it, it just kinda falls apart in my brain.”
I searched inside the sea of glimmering gold and violet magic, looking for something different. After a few minutes, I finally found a black-and-white checkered strand, glowing more brightly than the rest. I ripped it free and shoved it into the dragon. Instantly, there was a sort of click, and the magic stopped abruptly. I dropped, now feeling the full effect from so much magic use. I stared up at the dragon I was forming. Its eyes now shone with a dim intelligence. Hopefully it knew right from wrong now. I shooed it off, and it flew into the Everfree forest. Though it had a brain of its own, I didn’t think that it was really… alive. It just didn’t have that kind of fire in the soul I’d formed for it. I glanced back at Trixie, who was staring, dumbfounded.
“Twilight?” I asked. I heard a feminine grunt in reply. “If I ever want to do that again, punch me in the face and call me an idiot.” I shakily stood up as AJ rushed over and helped.
“Thanks,” I said, giving her a weak smile. She nodded and grinned back.
“Ya never told us ya had that much power,” she said.
“No, I don’t. I was the inspiration for the spell. Twilight provided a good eighty percent of the energy.” I looked over at Twilight, who was being helped up by Rarity and Pinkie. “Thanks, Twi!” I said cheerily.
“Where… where did you learn that?” Trixie asked, her voice cracking a little.
“It was simple really, just find the spark that fits the illusion best.” I smirked as she lowered her head in puzzled fury. “Now, the only way you can top that one is if someone actually brings an Ursa here and you defeat it.”
Why the FUCK did I say that? Pardon the curse.


I was spending the evening at Twilight’s, due to her loss of spellcasting for a while. It turns out I nearly drained her magical reserves in the process of giving the dragon life.
Huh. Never thought I’d say that.
Anyways, I was sitting by her bed while reading the fourth Daring Do book. She hadn’t fared well since the incident, so I had Spike send a letter to Celestia and see if she could help. As I waited, I couldn’t help but notice the rhythmic trembling of the ground. Seeing as I know next to nothing about this world, I thought it was an earthquake. That is, until I saw the screaming crowds and the enormous purple bear crushing trees.
So much for relaxing.
I trotted out of the house to see AJ and Rainbow trying to get at the Ursa while Fluttershy and Rarity pulled them back. I shot a burst of flame in the bear’s hide, which sizzled and smoldered. The bear roared in pain, then went chasing after me. I dodged a swipe, unleashing another blast of flame. The bear ignored the second one and caught me with a hook, sending me flying into an alley. It then turned back to its original prey: AJ and Rainbow.
I tried lifting a hoof to help them, but an agonizing pain shot through my body. In my head, the white room formed again.
The chains snapped.
I screamed in pain as Vael tore at the room, desperately trying to get out. He shattered a window, sending me into total darkness as my eyesight gave way. The last things I heard before plunging into unconsciousness were two screams: one of fear, made almost positively by AJ, and a scream of delight. A scream of maddening happiness.
“I’M FREEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

Rainbow Dash watched in horror as Andrew was thrown into an alley. She was unable to help her friend, however, when the Ursa sent her flying as well. She landed with a groan. AJ screamed as she too was knocked away, landing inches away from Rainbow.
“How are we gonna beat it without Andrew or Twilight?” she asked her cowpony friend.
“Ah don’t know, sugarcube, but we gotta try.”
And on it went for a good five minutes. Being pounded mercilessly by the giant bear, Rainbow and her friends could only keep the Ursa in place. Fluttershy even tried using her “Stare”, but it didn’t work. Finally, the bear got fed up and knocked AJ into a wall. As it went for the killing blow, something darted out of the shadows. It extended a claw and…
Punched a hole through the Ursa Major.
The beast screamed as golden blood pumped out of its heart, then froze and dropped to the ground. The thing that had killed it was standing with its head low. It turned towards her.
Rainbow screamed. She couldn’t help it; the thing was hideous. It was wreathed in shadow- no, made of shadows. They danced off its form like fire, breaking the night with streams of blackness. It had paws, like Spike, and it stood on two legs. What stood out about the appendages was the fact that the claws on its arms, as Spike liked to call them, were almost as long as she was tall. They clacked together whenever it made a move.
It had an extremely long mane that trailed off into wisps of shadow as it reached the ends of the hairs. It was muscular, from what Rainbow could see of its fuzzy outline. Then it lifted its face up, and she stifled yet another scream.
The beast’s pus-yellow eyes glowed in the dark. Whenever she looked at them she felt convinced that behind them were black sockets, waiting to devour her. What unnerved her most, however, was the pure madness, hatred, and amusement that filled its eyes in equal amounts. It flashed her a deadly grin, sharp teeth gleaming gold with the bear’s blood. Its grotesque arms twitched in excitement as it flicked a long, bony tail upwards, twisting its spade tip towards AJ’s throat. Seeing as her friend was about to be killed, Rainbow intervened. 
“No!” she yelled, catching the creature’s attention. He zoomed towards her at an unnatural speed, bringing her chin up with a single two-foot claw.
“Well, well,” it said in a voice both rich and chilling. It sparked a primal fear in her; she knew instinctively she would die unless she ran. “You’re quite the pretty one, aren’t you? It’s a shame he doesn’t want any of the wretched ponies killed. Maybe I’ll go on a rampage in the forest, then. I can have what I want while keeping you pathetic things alive.”
“Who are you?” Rainbow squeaked. She put as much bravery in her voice as she could. “What do you want?”
“Call me Vael. As for what I want… it is simply carnage. Endless destruction without cease. Everything dies eventually, but it takes much too long. I have had my fill of waiting, and the destruction shall flow forth like a river of blood!” the thing gave a spine-shuddering laugh. He reached out with his other hand and hissed a word she didn’t recognize. The claws shot forward, extending until they were a good five feet long. He dropped Rainbow and strode to a house. With a flick of his- what did Spike call it? Wrist? Yes, wrist. With a flick of his wrist the house was cut to pieces. He glared at a petrified filly, demonic eyes the only source of light in the night.
“STOP!” a deafening voice screamed. Vael was halfway to the next house before he froze and looked up. there, in front of him, was Princess Celestia herself. He heard a rustling and shot towards it to reveal Princess Luna. She knocked him aside with her magic, standing almost as tall as Celestia herself in the few short weeks she had been sane. The beast got up, grinning wildly.
“Well, it looks like I get to entertain royalty. That’s good that you attacked me first. He never said anything about “self-defense”.” Vael lunged for Luna, his claws extending. He nicked her side, and blood flowed freely from the gash. He shrunk his claws and lapped at the blood with a forked tongue.
Rainbow Dash shrank back at the notion that the thing liked to drink blood. She had coughed up blood once or twice during a particularly bad flight session, and it tasted terrible. This thing, however, apparently enjoyed the bitter, metallic taste. He re-extended the claws, a smirk growing on his face.
“Now, we should really do something about those horns, eh? I find they are a tad too sharp for my liking.” It charged Luna again, laughing maniacally. Celestia, meanwhile, put a wing over Rainbow.
“You’re not hurt, are you, my little pony?” she asked in a calm voice. Rainbow warily shook her head. “That’s good. I will teleport you and your friends to Sweet Apple Acres to recover while Luna takes care of this… abomination.” They trotted over to the rest of the unconscious group, then a flash of white light signaled their disappearance.

Luna was amazed that the beast could keep up with her, even with her newly-restored powers. It laughed the whole time, sending chills down her spine. About half way through the fight, it started singing a demented tune.
“Tick, tock, goes the clock, as everypony dies
Tick, tock, goes the clock, in graves their bodies lie
Tick, tock, goes the clock, as all the flowers wither
Tick, tock, goes the clock, just how long ‘till I kill her?”
The beast inflicted two more cuts on her, as well as broke a wing and bruised her side. She, however, could not even touch the thing, let alone hurt it. After it had leveled another house and gave her another gash, she finally got tired of the fight.
“Enough!” she boomed, though not in her Royal Canterlot Voice. She wanted her subjects to be as calm as possible, and the shout would only terrify them more. She summoned the strongest binding magic she knew: the Chains of Illusion. They clamped onto each wrist and fused themselves to each other, locking its arms and sapping its strength. The chains were so powerful Luna expected it to be dead in seconds; yet it struggled for a full minute before finally screaming.
“DAMN ALL OF YOU!” it shrieked. “I’LL KILL YOU ALL! ESPECIALLY YOU TWO!” it glared at Luna. “You will suffer slowly, and I will make sure your torment last for a thousand years.” It looked towards the empty night one more time and howled. “Equestria will burn!” it cackled. Then, a much softer, more reliable voice intercepted it.
“No, it won’t, Vael. I will protect this land to my dying breath.”
And the monster within passed out.


I smelled iron. Iron, mold, and very old stone. So where the hell was I? I remembered the Ursa Major, being knocked into the alley, and then…
Vael!
I scrambled up, unaware of the darkness of whatever room I was in. I had the nagging sensation that there was something deep in my head, striving to get out. Horrified, I pulled up the image of the white room. Vael was sitting there, struggling against new chains. Thank God and Celestia alike…
I looked around, my horn glowing dimly as I cast a small light spell. It looked like… a dungeon? But then…
I gasped. Vael must have taken over my body and gone on a rampage!
I tried even harder to pace in my worry, but something on my hooves held me back. To my surprise, there were chains restricting my hooves. I let a short burst of magic out to dissolve them, then resumed my pacing. 
What happened? Why was I in a dungeon? What kind of damage did I do? How long ago was the attack?  How did- HOLY MOTHER OF RAINBOW DASH!
I looked down to see a thin line of blood pooling around my feet. There was a gash, long and deep, in my chest. For the first time, I could feel the pain Vael’s influence inflicted on me. Definitely a broken leg, some broken ribs, a damn lot of bruises on my sides, and the cut in my chest. It was life-threatening, but barely oozed blood. I tried breathing in and out to relax the clenched muscles. No sooner than I had taken my third breath than blood sprayed from the wound, and I let out a small groan at the pain. For a long time, I sat there, slowly bleeding out. After my first five minutes of agony, I realized I could just use magic to hasten the blood-production process in my body. Once I made sure I wouldn’t die of blood loss, I tended to my broken bones and bruises. I knew nothing, and absolutely nothing about healing magic, and I wasn’t about to try in the state I was in. I merely summoned a few bandages and splinted myself as best I could.
For hours I waited, anticipation twisting my thoughts. I finally got so bored, I decided to play a little prank on the next pony who walked down here. I used the magic to change my eyes to those of Vael’s.  I hid in the darkest corner of the cell, positive that nopony would be able to see my true form.
Finally, after what seemed to be another day, somepony trotted into the dungeon. I grinned as I saw Princess Luna’s face; oh, it would be priceless!
“You’re still alive?!” she hissed when she saw my new eyes. I flashed them back to their normal liquid gold and laughed.
“Now, Luna. Is that anyway to treat the pony who saved your sanity?” I asked, mock hurt rolling from my voice. She stifled a gasp and stared at me.
“Andrew?” Luna asked.
“The one and only.”
She rushed into the cell, not bothering to check for danger. Before I could react, she had her hooves around me in a hug. “Tia and I thought that foul thing was still inhabiting your body!” she squealed. 
“Thank you for worrying, Luna, but do you mind not crushing me? I think I have a few broken ribs.”
She backed away quickly in apology. 
“Thanks, Luna,” I said shortly. “How much damage did I do, will Ponyville hate me, and did I kill anypony?”
“Well, you killed an Ursa Major, but nopony was hurt. You did destroy a house or two. No, I don’t think Ponyville will hate you. You were in a completely different form and state of mind when you lost control and became that… demon.”
“Good, because I was just about to have a talk with that demon. You coming?” I offered a hoof. Before she could take it, Daniel, Brenner and Starlight appeared near me.
“And what the hell took you guys so long?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Shut up, Andrew. Vael cut off your connection to us when he went berserk. After that, it took us nine hours just to get past the barriers you set up, Luna.” Danny glared at Luna, who smiled sheepishly. 
“Alright, all aboard the Teleport Express!” I said, and with a flash of light, we were in the white room. Vael glared up at us, hatred set in his gaze.
“You came here to rub your thrice-damned victory in, didn’t you?” he snarled. I laughed quietly.
“No, I came to make a deal.” Luna gasped. 
“Are you sure you want to deal with something so evil as Vael, Andrew? She whispered. I nodded slowly.
“Here’s the deal. I let you out twice a month for a day and a night. I only let you out in the Everfree Forest, and you are to stray no closer than two hundred miles of its border. I’ll let you kill anything non-sentient and harmful, but other than that, nothing. You can crush trees, break boulders, and cause general destruction there without hurting anypony. So, are you in?” I cut my hoof on my horn and held it out, blood oozing. Vael let out a whistle.
“A blood contract, eh? You really are serious. Well, I suppose this is the best offer I’ll get anytime soon, so it’s a deal.” He cut a hand and pressed it to my hoof. There was another flash of light, and we were all in the dungeons, save Vael.
“You are completely insane, you know that?” Daniel asked me. I grinned from ear to ear.
“Oh, but that’s just a part of my charm.”

I trotted along Luna as we headed to the throne room. She had graciously healed my injuries (though I think she was a little bit more hooves-on than necessary), along with restoring the damaged connection between the Wolves and I. as we trotted along, some of the guards looked at me with trepidation. A few even got their weapons out before they saw Luna.
“You know, these guards are seriously uptight,” I whispered to Luna. She giggled. 
“I’ve been dying to ask Tia to give them a little bit more relaxing time, but she insists their vigilance is helping Equestria.”
“Luna, you have no idea how happy I am to find out there’s another laid-back pony out there who’s not Pinkie Pie.” She giggled again. “I mean to say, she’s just a bit too hyper. Whenever she sees something, it goes off in her head like a fireworks show.”
“You’re right, she is like that a lot.” Luna paused for a second. “Tell me about humanity,” she said.
“What do you want to know?”
“Tell me about their society, their… technology, and their appearances. That should keep us busy for a while.” So, I proceeded to tell her about humans. How humans had the great potential for good, but it often gave way to greed and violence. I told her how we used thing like cell phones and planes and cars to get along without the use of magic or wings. Finally, I told her about the human appearance. This one was a bit more tricky to explain, but I tried the best I could. I eventually shortened it to this: “Imagine something that looks like Vael, but use him as a general shape. Now, shorten the claws to near non-existence, take away the tail, shrink the eyes, and you’ve got a general human. We’re all roughly the same shape, though some are fat and some skinny. Our hair and eye colors differ greatly depending on the DNA of our ancestors. But the skin color, that’s where it gets interesting. There have been countless ideas and theories on who is better than whom just over one’s skin color. In other words, racism, and a shit load of it. We can be as pale as the moon or as dark as a shadow.”
“You race certainly seems… lively,” Luna said after a short while. I chuckled.
“You don’t know half of it, and trust me, you don’t want to know that half.”
We walked on for several more minutes. Luna told me about castle life, the Royal Guard’s antics, and her nephew, Prince Blueblood.
“Is this Blueblood guy somepony I can punch?” I asked. Luna laughed.
“Only if gets to be too much of a pain in the flank. If you do rough him up a bit, Tia and I will understand.”
Luna and I laughed for the short while it took to get to the throne room. I took a deep breath at the doors.
“Well, here goes nothing,” I muttered. I pushed open the doors and walked in.
Celestia was sitting there, looking very angry.
Crap. I need some backup.
“Danny,” I whispered out of the corner of my mouth. “Can you find the dragon I made earlier today and tell him to wait outside the window depicting my friends? If this gets nasty, I’m gonna need a getaway.”
He nodded, and the three vanished in puffs of smoke.
“Luna,” Celestia asked slowly, trying unsuccessfully to hide her anger, “Why did you bring this… thing… here?”
“Ouch. That hurts, Celestia. It really does,” I said, holding a hoof over my heart.
“Silence! A beast only speaks when its master commands it.”
“I told you it would get nasty, Luna.” She chuckled. I trotted over to the window depicting me and the Elements vanquishing Nightmare Moon. I leaned against the fragile glass carefully, as not to fall through just yet.
“Well, Celestia, it’s been fun. I wish I could stay for tea, but I have a couple of houses to apologize to and a filly to de-traumatize. Luna,” I called over. “Thank you for telling me about this place. It puts a whole new perspective on the word “stress”. I know not to doubt you anymore. Oh, and if Blueblood gives you any trouble, don’t hesitate to call me. Now, ladies, I bid you goodbye.” I pushed against the glass with all my force, shattering it. I dropped for about eight feet before being caught by a scaly lump of dragon.
“Onward, my scaly friend! To Ponyville!” I shouted, guiding the dragon with my thoughts. It seemed like whatever intelligence I had given it had included an instinctive compass. Though it could move, think and had free will, I still didn’t believe that it was truly alive. Something just felt… wrong about it. 
My suspicions were confirmed about halfway to Ponyville, when the dragon flickered ominously. With a faint pop, it vanished, leaving me zooming through the air of my own volition. I managed to pull off a teleport just before I hit the ground. I popped up in the town square. A couple ponies, namely Lyra, Colgate and Carrot Top looked at me disinterestedly before going back to their shopping. For a moment I was confused; there was a black beast raging through their town nine hours ago, and all they did was shop? I turned the corner to see a pristine road. The Ursa was gone, the houses looked brand-new, and the filly Vael had scared was trotting around, with not a care in the world.
“Luna, you are the best alicorn to have ever lived,” I muttered under my breath. I could have sworn I heard a smug “I know” from somewhere, but I quickly dismissed it as my imagination.
Oh, well. Time to hit the hay. I trotted back to Sweet Apple Acres, making my usual rounds at Sugarcube Corner and Couches and Quills. As I got to the property, I noticed the lack of ponies. I shrugged it off and opened the doors to the barn.
“SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I fell flat on my back at the shock of seeing a good hundred ponies with party hats on. Pinkie rushed up to me.
“Surprise!” she shouted. “I realized last night I never threw you a “Welcome to Ponyville” party, and a lot of things happened since then, so this is a “Welcome to Ponyville and Thank You for Defeating Nightmare Moon and Sorry Your Body got Taken Over by an Evil Spirit Hell-Bent on Destroying All of Reality” party!” she helped me up. “Did ya like it? Did ya did ya did ya?” in response, I grinned from ear to ear and hugged Pinkie.
“Pinkie Pie, you are the second-best friend I could ever have asked for,” I said. Pinkie looked at me, half ecstatic, half confused.
“Wait, if I’m the second, then who’s the first best friend?” she asked. I winked.
“It’s a secret.”
Pinkie whined and begged for an answer, but before I could give in, I spotted Ponyville’s local DJ.
“Yo, Vinyl!” I called. She strutted over, walking through the partygoers with practiced ease.
“What’s up, Dusk?” she asked. I grinned from ear to ear.
“Put it on.”
She smiled like Pinkie after eating a vat of cake batter. She literally ran on stage.
“NEON! PINKIE!” she yelled, catching their attention. They got on stage too, and well… you can tell where this is going.

(If you can’t tell where this is going, it’s Shadyvox’s “Pony Rock Anthem”. I won’t include lyrics because I’ve gone over my desired word count already.) 

The party was a blast. There was cake, music, everything you’d expect from a party, but the fact that Pinkie Pie threw it made everything seem more awesome. Vinyl, Neon and Pinkie played another song (Equestria Girls), then handed the music responsibilities to Vinyl. Princess Luna herself came to the party near the end, but that didn’t turn out so well; mostly, everypony just screamed and ran.
Twenty minutes later, Luna, Applejack and I were sitting in the clearing, surrounded by sleeping wolves.
“Well, I must get back to the castle. I need to raise the moon for my subjects,” Luna said, standing. I thought of something. Just to test my magic.
“Luna, if you do the moon, do you mind if I do the stars?” she gaped at me. “What? If Vael kept on par with you without magic, I’m sure my magic could be strong enough.”
She slowly nodded. “Very well.” Her horn glowed azure, and the pale disk of the moon’s surface floated up the horizon. Now, time to show Equestria the wonders of deep space…
My horn glowed, and countless pinpricks of light dotted the sky. I tried to put a faint galaxy or two in there. By AJ and Luna’s gasps, I succeeded.
“Andrew… are your skies always like this?” Luna asked, a hint of awe in her voice.
“Only during the clearest of nights, when no cloud of smoke fills the air. I guess you’d have to be really high up, too.”
“It’s darn pretty,” AJ said. Luna flew off, still admiring my handiwork. After a few minutes, I laid down on the grass. I took AJ’s hoof and pointed at each of the constellations, naming them. After a while, I must have drifted off to sleep, because I suddenly found myself in the white room. Vael looked up at me, amused.
“I’ll still break free, Andrew,” he said in an icy voice. “And when I do, that little orange pony will be the first one killed.”
“If you so much as lay a claw on her, I will personally drop you into a pit of lava and seal it shut.”
“Then I’ll drag you down with me.”

> Dragonshy
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------




Chapter 6: Dragonshy

I awoke in the Wolves’ Clearing, as I liked to call it. AJ was lying next to me, murmuring incomprehensibly. I grinned, slowly moving as to not wake her up. Danny and I started with cooking breakfast over a small fire while the light of the sun shone down on me. The sun’s glow felt colder around me, like some celestial being was angry with me.
“I forgive you too, Celestia,” I shouted to the sky. In response, the light grew even chillier. I laughed.
“The sun is angry with me,” I said to Danny, who chuckled as well. Once the two of us had breakfast for twenty one (most wounded) wolves done as well, I rounded up everyone in the clearing.
After a hearty breakfast, AJ and I went into town to buy some much-needed supplies (basically, paint for the barn and twenty gallons of lemonade). On the way, I noticed the cloud of ominous smoke on the horizon.
“Um… does that happen often?” I asked AJ, pointing to the smoke. She studied it curiously.
“Well, ah sure hope not. Otherwise, ah’ve lost mah sight faster’n Granny Smith.”
“Everypony!” I looked over at the bridge to see Twilight standing there with a very tired Spike. “A cloud of smoke is spreading over Equestria!” She pointed towards the sky. Everypony gasped. 
“Don’t worry!” Twilight yelled again. “It’s not a forest fire!” We all sighed with relief. “It’s a sleeping dragon!”
This, expectedly, caused all of the ponies to freak out even more. They all ran, gasping and crying and screaming.
“Nice one, Twilight,” I called. She looked sown sheepishly.
“I’m guessing we’re gonna be the ones who gets this dragon to leave?” I asked. She nodded.
“How do yah always know what’s goin’ on?” AJ asked me. I grinned.
“Elementary, my dear Applejack,” I said. Now, only if I had a Holmes-ian outfit. Twilight looked at me funny.
“Okay… can you guys gather the rest of the girls and meet me at the library?” she asked. We both nodded and headed our separate ways.
“Alright, first on the list: Pinkie Pie.” I re-read the list. “WAIT!”
They sent me to get Pinkie? What, do they want me dead or something?
I trotted along the path, watching for pink. I finally found my cotton-candy friend next to Sugarcube Corner. She was licking herself (okay, anyone who just thought a dirty thought, you’re disgusting). I walked up, hoping she wouldn’t release the gates of insanity on me.
“Hiya, Andy!” she squealed. Andy… I hate that name. “Have you ever wondered why bubblegum and cotton candy are pink?”
“Pinkie, do you taste like bubblegum?” I asked seriously. She looked at me for a second, then burst out laughing.
“Now why would you think that, Andy?” she asked, tears of joy still flowing from her eyes.
“But- you just- you were- ugh, never mind. You will never be fully understood, Pinkie.”
“I know!”
“Pinkie, just help me get Rainbow Dash out of her house for a minute. We’re gonna slay a dragon!” I shouted. She began bouncing around and around, asking all sorts of questions about the dragon, like what color it was, what its favorite sweets were, and if it knew how to play the tambourine.
“Pinkie,” I asked tiredly, “what was that last one again?”
“Well, I wanted to know if he could play the tambourine, because I had an itchy flank, then a twitchy tail, and that means-” she was cut off as I bashed her over the head with a hammer, knocking her out cold.
“Well, that’s one down,” I muttered, grimacing. I slung Pinkie across my back and teleported to Rainbow’s cloud house.
“Rainbow!” I shouted to the bedroom. “I know you’re in there, so don’t even bother trying to hide!”
She peeked out of the room, her face pained. “Do you mind not blasting a metaphorical subwoofer in my ear?” she asked, annoyed.
“So, still hungover from the party, eh?” I asked, a slight smirk on my face. “Of course, I’m not surprised; you were flirting with as many mares as you were stallions.”
Rainbow looked horrified. “I flirted?” she asked, sounding like her life was at stake. I laughed.
“Of course not, I was just pulling your hoof.” She swung a punch, which I blocked lazily. “It looks like the shock sobered you up quite nicely, too. Let’s get going. Twilight says we’re going to have a talk with a dragon.”
I think she took that the wrong way, seeing as she punched her hooves together and started muttering something about “dragons ruining her nap time”. I, like any stallion that feared for their future children and/or sex life, got out of her way before she started punching something and set out for the treehouse. On the way, I met a rather strange brown earth pony with an hourglass for a Cutie Mark. I told Rainbow to take the still unconscious Pinkie and go on ahead. I trotted up to the pony, who was fiddling with a robotic dog and muttering in a British accent.
“Well, what do we have here?” I said, grinning. “A Time Lord and K-9.”
The pony stared at me. “But how did you…”
I laughed. “Well, in my universe you’re a television show.”
He looked at me once, then slammed into me. “Do you have any idea how hard it was to find you?” he hissed.
“Wait, what?”
“I was just zooming around in the TARDIS one morning when all of a sudden I pick up a life form falling into an alternate universe. So, I follow you through, get turned into a damn pony, and just to top it all off, the TARDIS has refused to leave without you.”
“Well, I guess you’re staying for a while, Doctor,” I said. I cut him off before he could speak. “Dammit Doctor, listen to something other than your alien brain for once. Maybe the TARDIS brought you here for a reason. Settle down, buy a house, maybe fall in love.”
The Doctor laughed. “I’m a 900 year old alien from another reality. What in the name of Gallifrey would fall in love with me?”
I looked at him. “You’re kidding me, right?” I asked. He stared, bemused. “We are in a land of talking magical ponies, Doctor. If anything can happen, it’ll happen here. Rose certainly did, and that was just on Earth.” He paled. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to convince a dragon to stop snorting smoke across the planet’s surface.” I trotted off, leaving the Doctor behind with a look of confused fury on his face.
“Why do I have the feeling that man/pony will make life hell for me?” I asked myself. The white room formed in my head. Vael sat there, laughing.
“I don’t know. Maybe because he has the power to do so?”
“Look, Vael, you are not going to be the annoying voice in my head, so GET OUT,” I hissed. The room dissipated, Vael still laughing.
Great. Now I have three beings of great power that want me dead. You know what? I’m starting to feel like the Frodo of this series.
I finally got to Twilight’s library, where she was waiting for me with an angry expression on her face. She opened her mouth, but I stuck her hoof in it.
“I was sidetracked by an idiot of an alien who needs to listen to his friends more often,” I explained. She stared at me like I’d gone insane. “Alrighty then!” I shouted, raising my head to the smoke clouds. “What’s first, Pinkie?”
Pinkie, who had apparently recovered while I was gone, grinned. “Action montage!” she squealed, running off into the distance. I turned, facing the camera.
“Lauren, you know what to do.”

One extremely awesome action montage (in which I took the role of this world’s equivalent of James Bond, Con Mane) later, the gals and I were headed towards the mountain. Pinkie looked at it with hope in her eyes. Before she could say anything, I stopped her.
“No, Pinkie,” I said in a firm voice. “You may not make any more references.”
“But you did!” Pinkie whined. AJ looked at me with a little confusion. I mouthed “I’ll explain later” and returned my attention to Pinkie.
“Yes, but that was justified. I mean, I have Vael, the last known living Time Lord, and Princess Celestia angry with me, Pinks.” 
Twilight stopped abruptly. “Princess Celestia’s your enemy?” she said in a quiet voice. I laughed out loud.
“No, my dear Twilight. I am Princess Celestia’s enemy. It is a matter of switching the roles.”
Twilight still looked ready to explode, so AJ calmly directed her attention elsewhere.
“Thanks,” I whispered as I sped to catch up with her. She gave me a sly wink.
“Yer gonna owe me, partner,” she said in the same tone. Well, at least something good came of Twilight’s outburst. Whatever I owe her, I have a feeling we are going to be spending a lot of time together.
The seven of us walked on. Soon, we reached a small crevasse with boulders positioned on either side.
“Okay, be very, very quiet,” Twilight said in a hushed tone. “These rocks are ready to fall at a moment’s notice. If anyone makes a sound, we’re all dead.”
“Comforting thought,” I told Pinkie, who suppressed a giggle. Danny appeared beside me, laughing as well.
“Again, why are you Wolves here?” I asked sarcastically. “’Cause you’ve been doing a ton of work around here.”
He bit my leg, drawing a little blood. “Shut up, hotshot,” he hissed quietly. “Most of us worked ourselves to the bone trying to bypass Luna and Celestia’s barriers. You should see Starlight right now…” he shivered a bit. A tendril of guilt crept into my stomach.
“How bad is she?” I asked. AJ came over to listen as well.
“Like I said, she worked herself to the bone. Turns out, Celestia was expecting us to come to your aid, so she set up a few… surprises. Mainly, an army of spirit ponies created from her magic. We took them all, but she has a horrible gash on her back and a few broken ribs. We’re not sure, but she might have a punctured lung, too.”
I winced. “At the very bottom of my guitar case, there’s a secret compartment. I packed some pain relievers and antibiotics from Earth in there. Give her two pills twice a day, and the cuts won’t infect.”
Danny nodded, relieved, and vanished in a puff of smoke.
“He likes her, doesn’t he?” I asked AJ.
“Well, ah’d say so.”
A scream pierced the near-silence.
“AVALA-” Rainbow shoved her hoof into Fluttershy’s mouth to stop her from screaming. It was too late. The boulders shivered on their mounts, trembling little by little until one after the other, they all fell. The seven of us ran for it, twisting through the boulders. Once I was nearly out, I heard a moan of pain from behind me. AJ was stuck, her foreleg under a boulder. Two more were headed right at her.
“NO!” I yelled, the magic involuntarily surging through me. With a halt, all of the falling rocks stopped, encased in a gold aura. I threw them all out of the way. When I got to AJ’s boulder, I snarled in surprise. Her foreleg was nearly crushed underneath the weight of the stone. I lifted it like the others, throwing it into the Everfree Forest. There, Vael. One more thing you can destroy, you heartless bastard.
I refocused on AJ. Her leg was in really bad shape; the bone was broken in four different places. I set it as best I could and hoped for the best.
“That’s all I can do, AJ,” I said a bit doubtfully. I splinted her leg temporarily, but she wouldn’t be seeing any action in the next week or so. “Can you walk?”
“Sure ah can!” she said, overly cheery. She stood up and wobbled for a bit before falling over again. “Then again, maybe not,” she admitted. I helped her up.
“Here, you can lean on me,” I said. She started to protest, but I cut her off. “AJ, it’s not going to make me uncomfortable. Now, are you coming, or do I have to drag you along?”
With a small blush and a huff, she leaned against me as we walked, resting her head on my shoulder. I’ll be the first to admit: it wasn’t that bad. Her coat was much softer than my own, and her slightly fast breathing was somehow… comforting. I noticed Rarity giving me a sly grin. I returned with my classic Vael look, and she immediately shrank back.
“I can’t wait to kill that dragon,” Rainbow hissed as we hobbled through a band of trees.
“Nor can I,” I said. “That bastard’s got my sympathy, though. I’d hate to see what you’d do to it.”
Trotting on, we had to stop several times because Fluttershy got too scared to move. I mean, she’s shy and everything, and we did kind of force her to come with us, but seriously? How can a two foot gap scare the daylights out of a pony? Especially one who can fly?
After much coaxing, pleading, and forcibly dragging Fluttershy up the mountain, we finally reached the peak. There was a loud crash, signaling the dragon was still asleep.
“Alright, let’s get the diplomacies out of the way so I can burn him with his own fire,” Rainbow and I hissed at exactly the same time. Fluttershy hid behind a rock. Twilight was eager to study the dragon. AJ looked bored out of her mind, and Rarity was cringing at the dust on her hooves. Pinkie was nowhere to be found; probably off having tea with the Cakes or something.
Twilight went into the cave first, hoping beyond hope that she could convince the dragon to leave in peace. She came back five minutes later with a smoking mane and a sheepish expression on her face. Seeing as AJ wasn’t going anywhere, Rarity would steal anything from that dragon’s hoard, and Fluttershy was scared of dragons, it was mine and Rainbow’s turn to enter the cave. I trotted in, with Rainbow close behind. The dragon had an angry, if resigned, look on his face.
“I assume you’re here to pester me too?” he asked in a deep voice. I nodded.
“Why don’t you sleep in the mountains to the north?” I asked. “From what I’ve read, dragons enjoy the cold, and you won’t have to be bothered with us ‘pesky ponies’ again.”
“Yes, child, but how am I to get my hoard there?” he rumbled, pointing to the massive collection of jewels, coins, and other valuable pieces in his pile.
“I’m a unicorn. I could accompany you and levitate them there.”
“Ah, but then you would know where my lair is,” he pointed out. Damn, I thought that would work.
“Then we are at an impasse, and we all know there is only one way to settle an impasse: a good old fashioned drinking contest!” I shouted, startling Rainbow.
“Whatever, Andrew,” she told me in a huff. She rushed over and punched the dragon in the snout. “Let’s just fight this guy.” She punched him again. I grabbed her with my magic and ran as fast as I could.
“You idiot!” I yelled. “That could’ve gone a lot better if you didn’t freaking attack a dragon!” Rainbow was still struggling against my aura.
“Let me at him!” she shouted. “I can take him!”
“Yeah, right. The only thing you’re gonna be taking if you go back in there is burn medication.”
The dragon chased us out of the cavern, trapping us by the edge of the peak. AJ was too weak to stand, Pinkie was still nowhere, Rarity had fainted, and Twilight was struggling to do even the most basic of magic because of her fear and the fact that she’d barely recovered from the “Vael Incident”. I knew I was missing somepony, but who would-
“HOW DARE YOU!” Fluttershy yelled from atop a rock. I looked up in mild fear. An angry Fluttershy was just like an angry Earth nerd: they’d go all Dovahkiin on you, and you’d be on the ground in, as Rainbow Dash graciously puts it, ten seconds flat. Of course, Fluttershy is more of an animal lover, not a nerd. Twilight could be considered a nerd, since she lives in a library. Speaking of which, aren’t libraries usually made of stone or something, not wood? I guess if the books burn down, the tree burns down with it. Kind of a “captain goes down with his ship” thi-
Dammit, sorry. I lose focus when I panic. So, back to the whole Fluttershy rant.
“Listen here, mister.” She sounded absolutely peeved. “Just because you’re mean doesn’t mean you get to be a bully. You may have huge teeth and sharp claws and snore smoke and breathe fire, but you do not-” she got really close to the dragon’s eye- “I repeat, YOU DO NOT HURT MY FRIENDS! You got that?”
The dragon whimpered and lowered its head. “But that rainbow one hit me,” it cried.
“Whoa, wait a minute,” I said. “You’re telling me that you tried to kill us because Rainbow 
Dash hit you? For God’s sake, it probably didn’t even hurt!”
“He’s right, and you should know better. You should also know not to sleep where your snoring will be a health hazard to other creatures.”
“But I-”
“Don’t you ‘but I’ me, mister! Now, what do you have to say for yourself?”
The dragon started to cry.
“There, there. No need to cry. You're not a bad dragon, you just made a bad decision. Now go pack your things. You just need to find a new place to sleep. That's all.” Um, it’s come to my attention that Fluttershy may be slightly bipolar when it comes to animals and her friends. Nevertheless, I was quite glad she’d saved us.
“Fluttershy, that was awesome!” I shouted, startling her. “Rainbow’s assertiveness lessons are paying off.”
She blushed and hid behind her mane. “Oh, it was nothing.”
We all celebrated going back down the mountain. I, like I promised, transported the treasure hoard to the dragon’s new cave. Heading back to Ponyville, I became aware of Vael watching through my eyes with a curious interest. Every now and then, his gaze would flick to Fluttershy or Applejack. Temporarily unconcerned, I resumed my trek with AJ at my side. 
It took only about an hour to reach the bottom, seeing as Fluttershy had set off any disturbances on our way up.
“I was worried that would be absolute hell,” I murmured to AJ, who grinned.
“Ah, there ain’t nothin’ yah can’t handle, Andrew,” she said. I smiled (not grinned, smiled; there’s a distinct difference), returning my attention to the road. If I was a pegasus, I’d probably put a wing around her; as it was, we leaned closer to each other. Rarity gave us another look, but turned before I could unleash all the fear-inspiring power my eyes could muster.
It was dark by the time AJ and I reached the farm. Without a word, we parted ways at the stairs. She nuzzled my neck one last time before trotting up the stairs on her three good hooves. I used the last of my strength to teleport to the roof.
Confound that pony… she drives me to think.
And so, I fell asleep with my thoughts on AJ.

> Look Before You Sleep
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------




Chapter 7: Look Before You Sleep

I woke up to a sunny day, which quickly changed for the worse. I woke up like usual: get up at the crack of dawn, do my exercises, shower off, cook for the Wolves, and take on whatever fate has in store for me.
Which turned out to be applebucking.
Now, normally I’d enjoy work a lot, but I was seriously sore from the dragon encounter the day before, and since AJ’s leg was broken, I had double the workload. To be fair, AJ still helped out whenever she could, letting Big Mac and I have a break once in a while and bringing out lemonade (which bought her serious points in my book).
After that, I was assigned once again as the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ unofficial babysitter. We went rafting, hiking, and we even tried our hands at DJing. Vinyl had noticed me singing at the party, and the second I walked into her house, she begged me to work there. I tried my best to decline politely. Thankfully, Scootaloo caused a little… mishap, let’s call it… with the sound system. I rushed them out of the club before Vinyl could go all vampire on us. Have you ever noticed she has all the characteristics of a real vampire? Bloodred eyes, pale coat, wears glasses pretty much all the time. Kind of creepy, just saying.
So, after that fiasco, I bid my goodbyes to the little fillies I had become a brother to, and headed off to get some lunch. I stopped by the restaurant Twilight and I had come by on my second day in Ponyville. The waiter walked up to me, smiling.
“Well, sir, it seems you are in a considerably greater mood than when I saw you last. What may I get you today?”
“Hay fries and a glass of lemonade, please,” I said, a quiet idea forming in my head. “Also, have you found yourself a pianist yet?”
The pony’s smile widened. “No, sir, we haven’t. I assume you’d like to play something?”
“How do you ponies always read my mind?”
I got up from the table and trotted over to the piano. I played a quick melody to make sure it was in tune and began. After playing through “Don’t Stop Believing” and encoring with “Hikari”, I took a seat and began my meal. As I ate, I noticed the weather getting steadily darker. How come whenever I visit this place it starts storming like Armageddon?
I managed to get out of the place before the rain started, but unfortunately didn’t manage to get back to Sweet Apple Acres. So, I was stuck in the rain for a full half hour before somepony decided to help me.
“Andrew?” a voice called. I recognized the source as my violet-coated librarian friend and scooted over. “Jeez, we need to get you inside!” She opened the door quickly so I could hurry in. once I was, I immediately noticed I was shivering all over. Twilight vanished and reappeared moments later with a towel. She threw the towel on me, looking at me with mild interest. The towel effectively absorbing the loose moisture in my mane and tail, I quickly heated up and stopped shivering.
“Why were you out in the rain like that?” she asked. I raised an eyebrow.
“Twilight, if I answer, I fear something horribly sarcastic may fall out of my mouth and hurt your feelings.”
“Right, not going to ask.” She trotted halfway up the stairs before stopping and turning back to me. “Well, come on. We’re just about to start our sleepover.”
Sleepover… with, I freely admit, attractive ponies… in a tree. Hopefully there’s no booze or else something very bad will happen. I trotted up the stairs to find a rather pleasant surprise: AJ and Rarity were there as well.
“Well, what are you girls doing inside on this fine afternoon?” I asked, giving a look of mock-incredulity. AJ grinned.
“Alright, girls and Andrew, it’s sleepover time!” Twilight said cheerily. “First on the list: makeovers!”
“Yeah, yeah, just put the damn mud on my face, Rarity.” I felt something gooey and cool being smeared around my face. Somepony tried to touch my mane, but I slapped it back. “I swear to Celestia and God alike, if you touch my mane, Rarity, I will prick your hoof with a needle and wring you so much every drop of blood in your body will go squirting out of said prick.” The pony next to me shrank back. Good. No one touches the manestyle, not even AJ or the Crusaders. Somepony put a couple of cucumber slices on my eyes.
“Now what in the hay are these fer?” AJ asked from beside me.
“You know,” I said slowly, “That’s actually a good question. I never really thought about it, but what do cucumbers do?”
“Why, they reduce the puffiness around one’s eyes, of course,” Rarity answered in her dignified tone. There was a crunching noise.
“Puffiness, schmuffiness, these are good eatin’!” AJ said. Twilight giggled.
“Yay! We’ll do everything by the book and that will make my first slumber party fun!” crazy Twilight, always doing things by the book.

After the makeovers, it was time to move on to part two: scary stories, my forte.
“Now, who’s going to go first?” Twilight asked. We were huddled around a lamp filled with- and get this –fireflies. They had fireflies instead of lightbulbs. Who knew?
“I’ll go. I’m the best when it comes to scary stories.” I covered the lamp with a blanket, casting a dim lavender glow on the room. I started with one I generally loved, but fitted it to become more pony-ish.
“In this world, there was a time where peace was found everywhere. It was during this time that three little fillies and their brothers decided to have a slumber party, just like this one. They were telling scary stories when one of the fillies left, for unknown reasons. Now, her little brother was concerned, because he knew his sister was afraid of the dark, and it was a very stormy night. He followed her into the Everfree forest, where plants grow freely and animals run wild. He followed her to a red tower in a clearing. He peeked his head inside to see the pony of foals’ nightmares… Slendermane. Slendermane is a tall, thin stallion that always wears a raven black suit. They say he can grow extra legs, and he can hypnotize ponies with a single word. But what makes Slendermane the most scary is his face, for he has none. No eyes, no mouth. Just a flat, even surface.”
“The boy screamed and galloped away, but Slendermane was too fast, and he brought the boy under his control. Together, the hypnotized foals returned, only this time, they led the others deep into the forest, where the red tower was. Only one colt was smart enough to stay behind, and he stayed alive an hour longer for it. When his sister and friends didn’t come back, the colt got worried and went to check on them. Needless to say, Slendermane found him, shivering at the sight of his dead friends. Slendermane, thecolt and his friends were never seen again.”
A whitish blob was creeping up behind AJ and Twilight. At the sight of its violet eyes, I grinned even wider. “But some say that Slendermane is still out there. No one knows what makes his victims special, other than one thing: they were all having slumber parties on a stormy night. He might even be watching us right now…” I let the grin turn insane, a disturbing testament to the story. “Twilight, turn around.”
The other two mares turned to Twilight. AJ’s gaze slowly traveled up, meeting the white-blue blur. Rarity remained confused. Twilight gulped and slowly turned around. The blob rose slightly as she saw it.
“Hello, little filly,” it hissed. Twilight and AJ screamed and ran for cover. The insane grin on my face became a smile, then full laughter. Rarity was still sitting there, looking confused. Brenner, Danny and Starlight (thank God and Celestia she recovered so quickly) tumbled off each other and started laughing with me. After a few minutes of cowering, Twilight got up and trotted hesitantly back over. Once she was next to me, she raised a hoof and promptly punched me in the face.
“Idiot!” she yelled, but with a smile.
“I… thought I… told you… to only do that… when I tried… to make life…” I choked out. AJ found me and quickly delivered a punch of her own (at least it wasn’t a buck). She then scooted next to me, still shivering a little. I gave one more chuckle, then floated the book and quill over.
“Scary stories: check. Remind me to tell that one to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Rarity.”
We all started laughing again. Who knew hanging out with women on a stormy night would be so much fun?
“Number three: pillow fights?” Twilight said uncertainly. The second I heard “pillow”, I jumped my way up to a high windowsill.
“Twilight, I’m not getting in the way of this,” I called down. She looked at me oddly for a moment then turned back to AJ and Rarity, who were having a pillow fight-to-the-death. I pulled my guitar out of thin air (thank you, Pinkie, for teaching me how to break the governing laws of space). Flicking through my music sheets, I finally found one that I thought would drown out the two fighters.
“Now and then I think of when we were together,
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember”
Danny took the reins after those first words and finished the verse:
“You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness,
Like resignation in the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense, well you said that we could still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over”
Three of us sang in perfect harmony while Brenner, who refused to admit he had a good voice, hummed the melody.
“But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough
And you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somepony that I used to know”
(Now you’re just somepony that I used to know)
After I finished the first verse, Starlight joined in on Kimbra’s line:
“Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
And had me believing at was always something that I’d done
But I don’t want to live that way, reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somepony that you used to know

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough
And you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somepony that I used to know

Somepony
(I used to know)
Somepony
(now you’re just somepony that I used to know)

Somepony”
I finished the song with a single strum from the guitar. I looked up to see the wolves congratulating each other, Twilight clapping, and Rarity and AJ still trying to murder each other with pillows. I shifted a little to get more comfortable. In doing so, I accidentally fell off the ledge and landed smack-dab in the middle of the pillow fight. At first I played along, but, knowing me, I got fed up when a pillow hit my face so hard I got a nosebleed. 
“Alright, that’s enough,” I said. I levitated the pillows out of everypony’s grasp. “Let’s get you three to bed, or else I might do something I’ll regret.”
About an hour later, the three mares were in bed and I was leaning on the ledge again. I cast a small sleep spell on myself to make sure I’d get through AJ and Rarity’s bickering. I was just nodding off to sleep when somepony woke me up. Guess who?
If you guessed AJ and Rarity, you were right! Congratulations: have an imaginary cookie.
It turns out, they were fighting over the bed being made. I mean, who fights over making a bed?
I was finally starting to fall back asleep when an enormous crash filled the silence. Pegasi, when I get my hands on you…
Well, it was actually AJ’s fault. She’d lassoed a tree nearby to keep it from falling on a neighboring house. In her haste, she unconsciously tugged the tree back, sending it flying through the window. Something cool and wet impaled my right shoulder.
I twisted, trying to free myself from the tree, but it was too heavy. I tried shouting for help, but all that came out was a strangled gurgle, and I quickly spit out a mouthful of blood. The branch must have pierced my lung, because every time I breathed out, a fine mist of blood came with it. I tried to call for the Wolves with my mind, but the mental shout was too weak. With almost all of my remaining strength, the white room formed. Vael looked at me with an expression I never expected to see on him: sheer terror.
“Do not die on me, man!” he screeched. “If you die, I die with you. I still have to kill that bastard Luna!” 
Figures. For a second there, I was actually hoping he was worried about me.
“Listen, Andrew. I’ll lend you as much strength as I can, but you need to hang in there long enough for someone to patch you up. Got it?” I nodded weakly, and the room dissipated.
A shadowy substance touched my mind. I let it in. for just a split second, I felt the pure hatred Vael felt. There was something locked beneath the rage, but I couldn’t get a closer look before he merged with my mind. I felt newfound strength filling my limbs. My sight sharpened and my hearing cleared. Rarity was picking up tiny bits and pieces around the library. AJ was trying unsuccessfully to move the tree itself. Twilight was desperately searching for a solution in her book.
“Ickiness is often a sign of effective hard work.” Definitely AJ’s voice. “But righ’ now, ya gotta stop worrying ‘bout the little things and help me move this one big thing.” Aw, heartfelt make-up scene. I tuned it out, however, to focus on the internal damages of my body.
I tried twisting my mid-section again, only to be answered with extreme pain. Definitely a few broken ribs. That, combined with the punctured lung and the severe bruising I must have gotten when I was slammed against the wall, would inevitably lead to my death if not treated soon. Of all things to be done in by, it had to be a tree branch. The guys in the afterlife would laugh their asses off at me. Well, there is one incentive: if I die, I’ll get to see my family again.
The branch slid out of the hole in my body. I looked down, surprised, to see a small replica shrubbery. At first I was glad the thing was out of me, but I took that back when I saw the blood spilling out of the wound. It was the tree branch that had plugged the hole so I wouldn’t bleed out. How could I have been so stupid?
“Oh, dear, what a mess. Twilight, your red ink has spilled.
“Rarity… I don’t have any red ink.”
“But… that means…” the three mares followed the pool of blood to my limp form.
“Andrew!” AJ yelled, rushing over to me. Rarity fainted, while Twilight stared on, horrified. I chuckled weakly.
“What’s wrong, guys?” I choked out. Speaking was much easier with my lungs free of blood, though breathing took much more effort. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Well, I guess I’ll be one soon.”
AJ started crying. Tears streaked down her face, falling through the hole in my chest. I cupped her face with a hoof. The edges of my vision turned black as Vael left my mind.
“AJ, don’t cry. It ruins your eyes…” my hoof dropped as the strength to lift it left me. My eyesight blurred. “Those beautiful green eyes…” my vision went black. AJ’s face burned into my mind. She looked so sad.
I hated that sadness. I hated the pain that showed itself when you lose someone important. I resolved in the afterlife, I would do everything I could to prevent that pain.

I shot up, flailing my hooves wildly. I looked around. It seemed I was in a log cabin. There was a roaring fireplace in one corner, illuminating a thick woolen rug. A table was propped up in the center. Three figures were playing poker: Death, Brenner and Vael.
“Well, it looks like the idiot is awake,” Vael said, tossing me a bag of poker chips.
“Alright, what the hell is going on?” I asked. “Do you mean to tell me I’m stuck with the Grim Reaper, a talking dog, and an asshole for the rest of eternity?”
“Watch it. Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean I won’t kill you,” Vael muttered.
“Yes, you are dead, Andrew,” Death said. “However, you have a choice to make: you can either stay dead, or live once again.”
“Life or death? What kind of stupid question is that? I’m living.”
“Alright, that’s settled. You can go back to Earth if you want as well.”
“But I’m going to have to stay there, aren’t I?”
“Yes.”
I knew there was going to be a catch. I weighed the options. On Earth, I could get back to the hustle and bustle of life. I could have my hands back. I could even see Dominic again.
Here, in Equestria, I could use magic. I could stay with friends I’d genuinely grown to care for. I could stay with AJ…
I found myself doing what I often did in times of doubt: What Would Dominic Do? I weighed every option carefully, looking for hidden pros and cons. I reviewed my memories, looking for any advice Dom had already given me. My mind froze on a memory from about four years back, when Dom and I had just finished setting up our house.

Dom and I had just moved the last furniture in place and paid the delivery guys. Thanks to my now-dead uncle, I had a lot of extra money to spend, so luxury wasn’t a big deal. I was sitting at the first floor window, strumming aimlessly, when I saw someone. She had cocoa hair, curled into ringlets, and tanned skin. By all means, she was gorgeous, so I watched her. For a few minutes I just looked at her and her friends playing basketball outside. I turned my head away to reveal Dom staring at me with a funny grin on his face.
“You like her,” he teased.
“So what if I do?” I asked bluntly. He looked at me for a second before speaking.
“Andrew, I’m gonna tell you what my dad told me before he died. If you ever find a girl that just seems to click in your head, go after her no matter the consequences. Hell, knock me out if I try to stop you.”

The memory faded as quickly as it appeared, but I knew then and there what my choice was going to be.
“I choose to stay in Equestria.”
“Good choice, kid.” Vael looked at me with interest. He got up out of his seat and kicked me, sending me flying through the wall. As everything went dark, I saw Vael staring at me, a keen curiosity in his disturbing gaze.
Hell, that demon is going to be the biggest threat to my sanity.

I woke up on a soft bed, with warm blankets covering me. I threw them off casually. There was a faint beeping to my right and an IV was inserted into where my wrist would be. I pulled the IV out and disconnected the heart rate monitor. I was just about to walk out the door when I spotted an orange figure at the corner of my eye. AJ was curled up in a chair. Tear streaks stained her cheeks, and she was muttering incoherently. I smiled down at the scene; not because she suffered so much because of me, but because she cared enough to do so. I gently picked her up, draping her across my back. I trotted out of the room, where Nurse Redheart tried to tranquilize me. After accidentally turning the needle on her instead (don’t look like that; it was purely impulsive), I teleported out of the hospital and into the house at the Acres. Applebloom nearly tackled upon finding out I was alright, before Big Mac had to forcibly restrain her. I turned and headed to AJ’s bedroom, dropping her off at the bed before heading downstairs to make food.
An hour later, I had breakfast (consisting of eggs, hash browns, apple juice, toast and salad) for two balanced on a tray on my head. I entered AJ’s bedroom just as she woke up. I set the tray down on the nearest bookcase, expecting a lot.
She stared at me for a full two minutes. After the second minute, I was worried I might have broken her brain. I waved a hoof in front of her.
“Helloooo?” I asked mildly. “Is Applejack in the building?”
She gave me a weak smile and tackled me to the ground. Hugging me to the point of near death, she cried freely into my shoulder. After a minute or two, I leaned out of it and held her at hoof’s length.
“I told you once before not to cry,” I said softly. “It ruins your beautiful eyes.”
She then laughed weakly and buried her face into my shoulder again. For a long time, we sat there. I stroked her mane as she got all the tears out of her system. After what must have been an hour, she wriggled free of the embrace. 
“Well, now that’s over with, how about some food?” I asked. Her eyes widened at the mention of food, and her stomach didn’t growl so much as scream with longing. I laughed and levitated a plate over to her. She wolfed it down in an easy minute and a half. I could sense the Wolves watching me, more startled that I was alive than anything else, but they didn’t interfere. After we had both finished our food, I felt a sudden decrease in strength.
Wow, I didn’t know dying made me this tired. I curled up on the floor and without another thought, fell asleep.


A/N
Hello, everypony! Plasma here. I have the next chapter going as you read, so don’t worry. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to write these lately. Also, I want to know if anypony thinks I should add Dominic as a main character sometime in the story. Send me a private message with your opinions!
> Bridle Gossip
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------




Chapter 8: Bridle Gossip

Something was next to me. Something soft, that smelled of apples. I groggily turned my head and found myself nose-to-nose with AJ. She was breathing peacefully. I smiled inwardly and leaned gently against her. She murmured something that involved “dying” and “giant trees” and snuggled closer. The blush on my face was most definitely present, because Danny floated into existence in front of me with a grin on his face.
“Well, look who’s got a girlfriend,” he whispered. I gave him a glare.
“Danny. One: personal moment. Two: do you really want to be skewered by a dull scimitar in the middle of the Arabian Desert?” Danny’s expression changed to mild fear as he vanished. I thought so.
After a few minutes I shifted out of AJ’s grasp and headed downstairs to make breakfast. As I dropped down the stairs, I noticed a little steam coming from the kitchen area. Applebloom was trying to make breakfast, and from what I could smell, she wasn’t doing a half-bad job of it.
“Morning, Applebloom,” I said, feigning sleepiness. She smiled.
“Mornin’, Mr. Back-From-The-Dead,” she said. I groaned.
“You are going to antagonize me about that for the rest of my life, aren’t you?” I asked. She just smiled angelically and returned to making breakfast.
About ten minutes later, there were five steaming plates of food on the table, courtesy of Applebloom and I. She went to wake up Granny Smith and get Big Mac from the fields while I went up to AJ’s room. She was still fast asleep. I shook her foreleg.
“AJ, wake up,” I whispered. No response. I shook her harder. Still nothing. I softly kissed her cheek. She bolted upright, blushing, with a dreamy smile on her face. I grabbed her by the hoof and brought her downstairs. She gaped at the food.
“Applebloom, I think you just broke AJ,” I said. She laughed. I put a bite of egg in my mouth, slowly savoring the flavor. “Applebloom, I think you just broke me.” AJ literally shoveled the food into her mouth, drawing another laugh from me.
“Hungry, AJ?”
“Well…” she turned away and blushed. I noticed how thin she’d gotten.
“AJ,” I said seriously, “How long was I asleep?”
“T-three days.”
I gaped. “And you didn’t eat the entire time?” I asked, incredulity laced in my voice. She nodded slightly, blushing even more.
Wow, she must have been in the hospital the whole time. Looking after me…
A blush formed on my own face as I realized just how much she’d done for me. I got up from my seat and hugged her. AJ’s blush went darker than Vinyl’s eyes.
“AJ,” I said softly, “Thank you for worrying so much. But that doesn’t mean you should go starving yourself for my sake.”
Applebloom squealed when we hugged. Granny Smith must have fallen asleep again, because she jumped when Applebloom shrieked. Big Mac just stared on, observing us carefully. I broke the hug and got back to our meal, while AJ just sat there, frozen.
After the hearty breakfast and shaking AJ out of her trancelike state, Applebloom, AJ and I headed into town to buy groceries and more barrels for apple storage. On the way, I noticed how strangely quiet things were. You would normally hear ponies mingling and, on occasion, Vinyl begging Lyra and I to play at the club. No such sounds were heard. The ponies seemed to be hiding from something, considering how the whites of their eyes shone in the darkness of their windows.
That something was about to make itself known.
Excuse me for being dramatic, but I couldn’t possibly give up that opportunity, now could I?
So, anyway, we were walking through the town when…
“Psst!”
If I didn’t know it was Pinkie, I would’ve pissed myself. As it was, I jumped when she hissed. She beckoned us to the door she was hiding behind. “Get in, quick!” The three of us jumped in. Pinkie, who was not at all surprised to see that I was still alive, shut the door quickly. The other four girls, however, were staring at me with open awe.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, consciously rubbing my hooves together. Rarity gaped even more.
“But… you were dead…” she gulped out. “We… had… a funeral…”
I laughed. I didn’t care if they looked at me strangely, it was just so funny. “you mean to tell me that I missed my own funeral?” I started laughing all over again. “Just wait till the guys at the pub hear this!” I wiped a tear from my eye. “Oh, speaking of which, Pinkie. How were you not totally shocked when I was brought back?”
“Well, I read the last chapter.”
“Why must the universe torture me with this mare?” I groaned. Pinkie elbowed me.
“Watch it,” she warned. We looked at each other for a second, then both burst out laughing again. I wiped another tear of mirth from my eye and refocused on Pinkie.
“So, what’s the big deal that you would have us jump a door to some here?”
“Her!” Pinkie pointed to a window. There, standing in the middle of the street, with a hood over her head, was a strange pony. She dug at the ground with her hoof, making deep indents.
“Can I go all One Power on this pony, or is she another happy-go-lucky one?” I asked. Pinkie shuddered.
“That’s Zecora!” she squeaked. I raised an eyebrow.
“Zecora?”
“Yeah, and she’s evil!”
Okay, evil pony pawing at the ground in a non-menacing manner. “Does she have a mustache?” I asked. Pinkie shook her head, confused. “Pinkie, you don’t know somepony’s evil unless they have a mustache.” A big pony that looked like a Big Lebowski reference glared at me from across the street. “Scratch that, let’s make it ‘almost all’ instead of ‘all’ ponies with mustaches are evil.”
“But… look at her!” Rarity exclaimed. I calmly walked into the kitchen.
“You know, I think I’m going to make some cake while you five freak out. Applebloom, you in?” she nodded hastily, eager to get out of the terrified ponies’ way. I trotted around, grabbing bags of ingredients, and set to work.

About an hour and a lot of flour accidents later, I was sitting at the table with a slice of amazing cake in front of me. Applebloom’s mouth was watering, an identical piece across the table. I was just about to dig in when a gasp came up from the other room. I trotted in to see Twilight and Spike there as well. Twilight greeted me with a nod and waved me over. I trotted over to the window to see the Zecora pony still there. She carefully lowered her hood to reveal… 
A zebra.
“Holy shit!” I shouted, startling everypony. “You guys have zebras too?”
“Of course we have zebras,” Twilight said. She looked confused. “Why wouldn’t we?”
“Well,” I started, “we have zebras back on Earth, too. I just didn’t know.”
“Will somepony tell me what the hay a zebra is?” AJ asked. I sighed.
“Zebras are quadripedal equines similar in stature and anatomy to horses, or, in this case, ponies. The zebra is usually defined as being white with black stripes running through its coat and mane. Zebras hail from the savannah plains of Africa, though evidence suggests they lived in the eastern forests of South America several million years ago.”
Everypony, Twilight included, looked stunned at the near-encyclopedic knowledge I’d given them. I shrugged. “What? I had to do a project on zebras for school a few years ago.”
“How old are you again?” AJ asked me. I realized I didn’t even know what age these ponies were.
“Fifteen. Why?”
“What?!” AJ exclaimed. “Yer only a year older than me an’ yer still in school?”
“Humans go through twelve years of school,” I explained. “Thirteen, actually, if you count kindergarten.” Twilight looked at me with mild interest, but I noticed a red mane sneaking out of the door in the corner of my eye. I pointed to the window.
“Hey, look. Something shiny!” they all turned to look.
Oh my God, I’ve got to use that more often. By the time they turned back, I was gone. I was actually walking through the fringe of the Everfree, keeping a close eye on Applebloom. I was just about to sneak through a field of pretty blue flowers when Brenner appeared next to me.
“Don’t step in the flowers!” he hissed. I raised an eyebrow, so he explained. “It’s called Poison Joke. It’s pretty much poison oak, but Peeves the Poltergeist would be proud of the aftereffects.”
“So, no touchy the pretty blue flower?”
“You know, Andrew, sometimes it amazes me just how stupid you can actually be.”
“You,” I said, “are quite possibly the biggest killjoy on the face of Equestria.”
Brenner just grinned like mad and vanished. I picked my way around the Poison Joke and returned to watching Applebloom. Zecora had just turned, obviously noting someone was following her, when a voice came out of the darkness underneath the tree I was sitting in.
“Applebloom!” definitely AJ. “Get over here righ’ now!”
Zecora spoke in a voice that hinted at an African accent. “Beware, beware, you pony folk! That flower blue is not a joke.”
Wait a second. Did this pony just rhyme? Alright, she is now officially the fourth coolest creature ever to have lived (aside from me, AJ and Rainbow Dash). In my reverie, AJ yelled something, distracting me.
“Wait, if you’re here, then where’s Andrew?” Twilight asked. I somehow hooked my hooves onto the branch and swung down. Everypony looked utterly stunned; even Pinkie.
“So, there I was, hanging upside-down on a tree while staring at magical talking ponies, when…” I trailed off, grinning. The six of them slowly came to the realization that I was following Applebloom, and thankfully left it at that. Everypony except AJ.
“Thanks fer lookin’ out fer mah sister,” she said slowly. I grinned wider.
“Come on, AJ. She’s like a sister to me.” I frowned at a sudden thought. “Though I can’t shake the feeling that if I did, you’d buck me across the Acres.” 
She laughed. “You bet yer Cutie Mark ah would,” she joked, forgetting that I didn’t have a Cutie Mark. My grin returned.
“I’d still look amazing flying through the air with half my teeth knocked out and blood spraying from my face.” She laughed again, but this one was a little more forced. Her pupils contracted a bit when I said “blood”. “Aw, come on, AJ. You’re still not over the whole ‘me dying’ thing?”
“It happened yesterday!” AJ protested. I grinned.
“Yes, which means it’s in the past. And I prefer to look towards the future.” I nuzzled her neck before turning back to the woods. “Now, you go back home with Applebloom. I’ve got something to check out back at the castle ruins.” Before she could respond, I trotted deeper into the forest. I turned back and winked.
“Hey, there’s nothing I can’t handle, right?” I asked. She frowned, knowing I’d used her own words against her, and trotted off. I continued my walk through the forest, picking my way around the plants in case any of it was dangerous. I finally reached a stump at a clearing about ten miles in. I knocked on the wood door, which was answered by a quick gallop. Zecora opened the door.
“Ah, it has been too long since I have had guests. Tell me, young traveler, what is your quest?” she ushered me in. I sat on a mat and examined the masks decorating the walls. 
“This,” I said slowly, “is Ancient South African. Where in the name of Aes Sedai did you get it?”
Zecora looked genuinely shocked. “What manner of pony are you, stranger? For all who know the name of my land face mortal danger.”
“First off, please cut the rhyming thing. I know it’s the language you’re most comfortable with, but it’s making it hard to get a clear sentence out of you. Second, you may know me as a human.”
“You say you are a human? Here? The wheel of fate has been steered!” Zecora exclaimed. I shot her a look and she composed herself again. “Many apologies, young human. It has been quite a while since I have spoken naturally.”
“No worries, although I wonder how you know of humans?”
“My mother told me of them when I was but a small child. She said they were ferocious and wise creatures, capable of killing with a single look, that built structures so tall they broke the clouds themselves.”
“All correct, except for the ‘killing with a single look’ thing. Speaking of which, do you have any tea? I hate to be a burden, but I’m parched from the walk here.” The zebra bustled around the room, bringing out two teacups just as a kettle shrilled from over a fire. I narrowed my eyes. “You knew I was coming, didn’t you?”
“I could hear your footsteps from a mile off, young unicorn.”
“Please, call me Andrew.” Note to self: learn to be sneakier. Maybe I can just ask Rainbow Dash to help me. The tea was perfect; not too sweet, not too bitter. There was probably a faint hint of coconut and lavender in there, but I was too absorbed by the décor to notice. I only snapped out of it when Zecora spoke again.
“Why are you here, Andrew? I have heard the rumors that circulate the town, and they are not pleasant.”
“If I’d heeded the rumors, then I would not be here. If you presented a threat, you would be hanging from the ceiling with a wooden stake in your heart. I simply wanted to make friends, that’s all.”
“You are a surprising creature, Andrew.”
I grinned. “I’ve learned not to judge a book by its cover.”
Zecora smiled as well. “You are wise as well,” she said. “I’m not sure I will ever meet a sentient being as… interesting as you.” The fire popped, sending embers into my tea. With a sigh, I set it aside.
“Well,” I started, “I must be going. The girls must be going haywire about what happened to me.” I turned and trotted out the door. I stopped in the entranceway and tipped an imaginary hat. “Thank you for having me over, Zecora. I just wish my friends would say the same.” With that, I left the house. Trotting my way through the forest, I was met with Twilight and Pinkie Pie at the edge. When they came into view, I waved. Pinkie looked stunned to see me, while Twilight was irritated.
“I told you he was okay, Pinkie!” she exclaimed, causing me to raise an eyebrow. Pinkie zoomed up to me and examined me critically.
“Should I be asking why I’m being searched by a- Pinkie! I don’t care what you think; you are not searching down there.” I swatted her hoof away and she gave a sheepish smile. 
“Sorry, Zed. I got carried away with my investigation.” She returned to examining me.
“What exactly am I being investigated for, Pinks?” I asked.
“Signs Zecora cursed you with her evil voodoo magic, of course!” Pinkie stared at me like I was an idiot. Do not laugh at expression… do not laugh at expression…
I laughed at her expression. Goddammit, I always laugh in this world. I wiped a bit of drool off the corner of my mouth and faced Pinkie again. “Pinkie Pie, do you honestly expect me to believe Zecora is some kind of evil enchantress?”
She stared at me suspiciously. “How do you know my song?” she asked.
“Song? What song?” I tilted my head for a moment. “You know what, never mind. I will not ask the question.” Twilight nodded her approval. “Well, I’m gonna hit the hay. See ya later.” I trotted off back to Sweet Apple Acres, thinking merrily of the next day.
Well, I was stopped by a very worried mare.
“AJ, I’m serious!” I exclaimed when she jumped on me for what seemed to be the fourth time that day. “I won’t get hurt when I have friends to protect.” She still didn’t look convinced, so I went with the one thing that would reassure her: the Pinkie Promise. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” I poked my eye, which REALLY hurt. But I braved through the tears. AJ finally popped up a little. 
“Ya promise?” she asked. I nodded, and she finally deflated. She stuck me with applebucking duty for the rest of the day, though it was in her section of the orchard, so we saw each other often. After that, we chatted about the recent events in town: Lyra hooking up with Thunderlane (I personally thought she had the hots for Bon-Bon, but whatever), the Doctor’s adaption to society, Pinkie accidentally causing a nuclear explosion in her old Easy-Bake oven (how the town wasn’t leveled I have no idea), stuff like that. Finally it was night, and I teleported to the roof of the barn. I had noticed a few faint twinkles of light in the sky, so I decide to use telepathy (the best fucking spell in existence, by the way) to contact Luna and see what’s up.
“Luna, you there?” I whispered. A faint voice came out of nowhere.
“Yes, Andrew. What is it?”
“Those flashes of light in the sky. What are they?”
A hint of embarrassment crept into Luna’s disembodied voice. “I’ve been trying to make one of those nebulae you showed me, but I just can’t get it.”
I showed her an image of billowing gas clouds forming different colors in deep space, twisting and roiling as its own gravitational field held it in place. Luna whispered a quick thank you before severing the connection. Moments later, a faint cloud of violet and gold touched the black sky, softly illuminating the apple orchards. I sighed to myself, dropping back onto the shingling. I fell asleep almost instantly.

And of course, I get woken up to screams of suffering. Very high pitched screams of suffering. I raced into the house, only to find a very tiny Applejack sitting at the table. I held a hoof to my mouth to keep from laughing. She glared at me.
“Yeah, jus’ keep laughin’, partner,” she squeaked. “When I get this fixed yer gonna be one sorry stallion.”
“What’ll you do?” I asked. “Kiss me to death?” she grinned and lowered her eyelids, swaying her hips as she walked forward. If she was normal-sized, it would have been a bit too sexy. 
“Maybe ah will,” she said in a low voice. Well, as low as you can get when you’re only two inches tall. I tried my best not to smile as I blushed slightly.
“Well, it doesn’t help that whenever I give you just a kiss on the cheek you freeze up and go into fantasy-land,” I retorted. AJ started stammering incoherently as her threat was shot down. I chuckled and lifted her onto my back. “Now, let’s go to Twilight’s and see if we can get your… little… problem fixed.” I snorted again, and AJ bucked the back of my head. Damn, that mare was strong…
Twenty minutes later, I was standing in front of Twilight’s library with an apple sized bruise on the back of my head. How could a pony 1/48 of my height hit so hard? I knocked on the door, rubbing my bruise like nopony’s business. Twilight answered the door looking slightly shell-shocked. I wondered why until I looked above her eyes.
“Bwahahahaha!” I laughed, clutching my stomach. Twilight’s horn was covered in blue splotches, and it was hanging limply. I tried choking out a sentence, but all that came out was a strange gurgling sound. Twilight looked me over with a mixture of fear, annoyance and concern.
“Just get inside before I do something I’ll regret,” she said. I grinned, spinning out another chuckle.
“Yessir, Twilight Flopple,” I said, saluting. I collapsed into laughter while Twilight kicked me inside. “Alright, alright,” I stammered. I got up and walked inside…
Where Spike and I started laughing again.
I was on the floor, curled up and clutching my stomach, before I even knew what was happening. Rarity’s hair was a mess, Rainbow’s wings were out of control, and Pinkie had the same blue spots on a swelled tongue. Spike was on the floor next to me, rolling around. AJ gave me another buck on the head and jumped on the table.
“Look at you guys!” Spike said, still giggling. “There’s Hairity, Rainbow Crash, Spitty Pie, Apple-tini, Flutterguy, and...” Spike stopped.
“Twilight Flopple?” I suggested. We looked at each other, nodding, then roared with laughter again. I managed to stop myself before the girls tried to give me brain damage.
“Fine, I’ll stop,” I said, getting up and brushing myself off. “The fact remains that we need to get this fixed. Twilight, have you and Spike found anything in the library?”
“Not yet,” Twilight admitted.
“There’s only one solution for this!” Rarity exclaimed, startling everypony. “We have to find Zecora and force her to undo this curse!” I facehoofed. Just when I thought you might be useful, Rarity…
“How many times do I have to tell you?” Twilight asked angrily. “There’s no such thing as curses!” I was about to agree when something caught my train of thought. Applebloom had no supervision, and she still thinks Zecora is a nice pony. Well, she is, but she’ll be in major trouble if she goes into the forest alone. Before anypony could ask, I zoomed out the door and off to the forest.
Even I had to admit the forest was mildly creepy. There were manticores, hydrae (hydrae is the correct plural of hydra), basilisks and all sorts of other beasts. Not to mention the fact that the Doctor said a few Weeping Angels might have followed him through the dimensional rift. My horn glowed with a soft gold light as I searched the place for Applebloom.
“Now, where are you, little one?” I asked the air, looking for a familiar bob of red and yellow. Finally, after a good hour of searching, I found Zecora’s house again. I knocked. Zecora smiled when the door opened.
“Ah, welcome, young human boy. More company I would enjoy.” I raised an eyebrow, and she thumped herself. “Please forgive me, Andrew. It has been hard converting to a different style of speech.”
“No problem, Zecora.” I trotted in and adjusted a few masks. “Have you seen a yellow filly with a red mane and a bow in the forest recently?”
“If you mean little Applebloom, then yes. She is out collecting herbs for a special brew of mine. This potion reverses the effect of Poison Joke, which your harem has most undoubtedly discovered.”
“Harem?” I grinned. “Zecora, as much as my hormones would love that, please don’t refer to my friends in such a crude way. It’ll give readers the wrong idea.” We laughed. Hers was a bit more of an evil cackle. Now, I’m starting to understand why ponies misjudged her. I trotted around, examining the masks and fixing up tea for three. Ahh, making tea is so stress relieving for some reason…
Until six stressed females knock down the door. God, why does this always happen to me?
“Where’s mah little sister?!” AJ yelled in her squeaky voice. Then she turned towards me.
“Yo.” I saluted. Sipping some tea, I waited for Pinkie.
“OHMYGOSH!” Pinkie screamed. “Zecora’s used her voodoo magic to turn Andrew into a zombie!”
“Pinkie,” I said slowly, “You’re missing a lot here. One, I wouldn’t be able to talk if I was a zombie. Two,” I gestured to the gold aura holding my teacup in the air, “I wouldn’t be able to use magic as a zombie. Three, if I was a zombie, it’d be safe to say all of your brains would be in my stomach.”
“Are you saying humans eat brains?” Twilight asked.
“Probably,” I said, shrugging. “People eat anything somewhere in the world. South India has brains, Africa has lions, the old Amazon tribes ate their own roasted breasts.” Twilight gagged.
“People eat their own breasts?”
“A long time ago, when the Amazon tribe was comprised solely of women. They’d cut off one of their breasts to shoot better.” Twilight gave a faint nod, still choking on her own vomit. Pinkie started shaking my shoulders, whipping my head back and forth.
“Snap out of it, Andrew!” she yelled in my ear. I stopped her with a hoof.
“Pinkamena Diane Pie, I swear to God and Celestia alike, if you do that again I will string you up by your ankles and dunk your head in a tank of boiling water.” She froze and inched away from me. “Good. Now that’s over with, where’s Applebloom? She should have come back with the ingredients by now.”
“Yer tellin’ me you have no idea where the hay mah sister is?” AJ practically screamed. I shrugged.
“Meh. She’s tough. Trust me, I know her sister.” I winked, which softened AJ’s expression, though only slightly. “Besides, the first thing she’d do if she got in a tangle with a monster is run to Zecora.” Even as I spoke, the door burst open, revealing a panting Applebloom.
“Scary…” she stammered, terror leaking into her voice. “Statues… monsters… chasing me…” she curled and started crying. I narrowed my eyes.
Shit’s about to get ugly.
“Those Angels are getting the living shit beaten out of them!” I shouted, startling everypony but Applebloom and Zecora. Twilight cocked her head.
“Weeping Angels,” I explained impatiently, “Are creatures nearly as old as the universe itself. They evolved with a perfect survival mechanism: they turn to stone whenever they’re being looked at.” Twilight looked disbelieving, so I pointed to the window. Three grey pegasi were frozen in place, staring at the house with menacing fangs. Fluttershy whimpered and curled up like Applebloom. “Now, everypony got their position in your head? Turn away from the window.” I waited until everypony was looking away from the windows. I blinked once. 
The grey pegasi moved with alarming speed. I was lucky I cast a one-way transparency spell on my eyelids, or I wouldn’t be able to catch them at all. Once my eyes actually opened, they resumed their stony appearances, literally inches away from the window. Rainbow shouted and wheeled backwards; the other girls huddled closer together. I trotted out the window with a strip of cloth. Securing it over my eyes, I called out to the house.
“Pinkie, put on track 11.”
I immediately heard the opening bars of I Am The Doctor and grinned to myself.
“HELLO, EVERFREE!” I shouted, undoubtedly getting the attention of the now-mobile angels. “Whoever takes the filly has their feast. But, bad news everyone! ‘Cause guess who?” I barked out a laugh. “Now, you all are mulling about and stomping up a storm, and it’s really quite distracting. So, could you all sit still for a minute, because I! AM! TALKING!” hundreds of paw and hoofsteps stopped. I guessed by now half the Everfree Forest was in the clearing. “Now. Question of the hour: Who’s got Applebloom? Answer: I do. Who’s coming to take her from me? COME ON!” I shouted, probably startling the nearest creatures. “Look at me! No plan, no back-up, no weapons worth a damn! Oh, and something else I don’t have: anything to lose. So, while you’re sitting over there in your silly little packs with all your silly little claws, just remember who’s standing in your way. Just imagine every dark day I will ever torment you. And then. AND THEN! Do the smart thing.” The forest was now deadly quiet as every living thing stopped to listen to my declaration. “Let somepony else try first.” I swiped off the blindfold, laughing inwardly. All of the animal were sitting there, stunned. The hydra was looking a little afraid. But my best laugh came from the Angels. They were kneeling in a praying position. I knocked one on the head and turned. 
“Basically, run.” They all complied without question. When I turned, the Angels were gone too. I walked back into the house, my stress and anger levels now considerably lower. The mares gaped at me.
“And that,” I concluded, “is how you scare every living thing in the Everfree Forest shitless.” I took a bow. Applebloom rushed up to me, all fear faded.
“That was awesome, Andrew!” she yelled, hugging me around the neck. I smiled and hugged back. Then a flash of pain burst from my foreleg, and I dropped to the ground.
“FUCK!” I yelled, cradling my foreleg. Apparently, one of the Angels hadn’t gotten the message. I grinned, rivulets of blood running to the ground.
“Kill me slowly, huh?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at the statue. “Wow. I must be really important if you aren’t just going to feed off my potentials.”
Of course, the Angel didn’t say anything back. It just stood there, a twisted sneer on its face. “Girls, get back.” I spoke with such finality it surprised even me. They all shrank back, even Zecora. I focused all the magic I could into my horn and touched the tip to the Angel’s forehead. It started glowing, then exploded. Coughing, I raised my head. Dust clung to my mane.
“What did you do?” Twilight asked nervously.
“I fed it,” I said. “Weeping Angels feed off of energy: radiation, kinetics, magnetics, the works. What happens when you stuff too much food into an already full stomach?”
“It… explodes…” Twilight stammered. Comprehension dawned on her violet face, and she looked at me with a combination of admiration, jealousy and fear. “You’re a genius.”
“I have my moments.” I tried standing, but my leg wouldn’t allow it. AJ snapped to my side.
“Let me help ya, partner,” she said. “Think of it as payment for helpin’ me on tha’ mountain.” I leaned on her gratefully. Zecora fixed the gals an herbal bath for the Poison Joke. 
About an hour later, we were all ready to hit the hay. As we trotted out of the forest, I turned for just a moment.
“Zecora!” I shouted. “That was the best tea in the multiverse!”
With that, we headed back home. I asked AJ if we could stop by the Doctor’s new house on our way back. When he answered the door I gave him a few bits.
“Payment for letting me ponify and use your ‘Pandorica’ speech,” I explained. He looked at me with a mixture of shock and outrage.
“You used my most influential, famous and inspiring speech without even telling me?!” he shouted. I nodded.
“In the process, I did manage to blow up an Angel, though.” He looked at me critically, then nodded.
“It’s not like anything I say will ever sink in, so…” he slammed the door in my face. I grinned wickedly and returned to AJ’s side. 
About a half-hour later, we returned to the farm. Applebloom went off to bed the second she entered the house, but AJ stayed downstairs to help me bandage my leg. I winced as she pulled on the gauze, knotting it.
“Thanks,” I said softly. I turned to teleport, but a hoof on my uninjured leg stopped me. I turned around to a small, slightly nervous smile.
“Ya know,” she said, “Ya still owe me from all those jokes on me bein’ little.” She leaned closer, our noses touching in the cool moonlight. I could feel her warm breath on my mouth as I leaned in as well. 
The second our lips touched, it sufficed to say my mind went completely and utterly blank. We just sat there for a moment, kissing like our lives depended on it. When we finally broke to gasp for air, I managed a weak laugh.
“You know, AJ,” I started, “I never thought my first kiss would be a pony.” I stopped for a moment. “Then again, I never thought I would find a pony totally gorgeous, so…” she laughed and kissed me again. Though this one was a little less desperate, I still felt the same contentment in my chest, right where my heart is.
I broke the kiss and nuzzled her affectionately. I used magic to bring a blanket downstairs and draped it across the two of us. She snuggled closer to me in the cool room. The last things I heard before falling asleep were the crackling fire and AJ’s soft breathing.


A/N
Thank God, there’s another update! I want to say how sorry I am for keeping you guys waiting so long. Unfortunately for me, I have writer’s block, and it’s been a hectic week. Nevertheless, I hope that I’ll be able to bust out a few good chapters before school starts for me. I’d like to thank BBC, and more specifically, Doctor Who, for giving me the idea for the speech. Also, I’d like to give a shout-out to rainbowdash_25, ozpakko, UltimaReborn, High_Wind, Lavram, and everypony else who’s read this story. Thanks, guys!

> Swarm of the Century
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------




Chapter 9: Swarm of the Century

WARNING! Two songs are in this chapter, so… yeah.
I awoke to the faint smell of apples. I turned my head, trying to process what happened last night, when I found orange obscuring my view. My mind raced as I remembered the kiss. Well, that settled it.
I officially LOVE Equestria.
I tried to slip out from under AJ’s grip, but she squeezed me in her sleep, drawing me tighter. I tried a kiss, but even that wouldn’t wake her.
Okay. Teenage boy in a land full of talking animals with a hot girl clinging to him? If I didn’t have to use the toilet, that thought alone would’ve made my effing day. I spent the next fifteen minutes slowly extricating myself from AJ’s grip and rushed to the bathroom.
Yeah, let’s skip ahead. You probably don’t wanna read about what happens in there.
Thirty minutes later, I emerged, feeling relatively cleaner and with less of my bowel space filled. Going to the kitchen, I started working on my breakfast specialty: omelets! 
Flipping eggs in a pan, I heard a small yawn from behind me.
“Morning, AB,” I whispered, not looking back.
“Mornin’, Andrew,” she squeaked back. “Mah sister still in the livin’ room?” I nodded.
“You have nightmares about the Angels, I guess?”
“How’d yah know?”
I turned to her, the memory of “Blink” still in my head. “Because I did too the first time I saw them. Be wary around town, Applebloom. Tell me if any statues move around too often, or if somepony goes suddenly missing.” She nodded, and I went back to making omelets. Applebloom left, and another pony took her place.
“Mornin’, Andrew,” AJ said from behind me. She stifled a yawn.
“Mornin’ gorgeous,” I said back. I could feel, rather than see, the blush on her face as she sat at the table.
“So…” she stammered. “Yah… remember last night… huh?” I flipped five completed omelets onto their respective plates and magicked them to the table. As I passed, I gave her a swift kiss on the cheek, making her blush deepen even more.
“Yeah, and you know what? It was one of the best nights I’ve had in a while.” I swear to God, if you readers get the wrong idea of that…
AJ herself breathed a sigh of relief. “So, yer not mad?”
“Why the hay would I be mad, AJ?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. I pretended to count with my non-existent fingers. “Let’s see. One, you’re beautiful. Two, you’re caring. Three, you’re honest. Four, you are , quite frankly, an amazing kisser.” I decided to stop there, as AJ looked like her face was going to explode with redness. “I could go on for the rest of the day and describe the things that make you awesome. And not one of them would get me even remotely pissed off.” I backed off, realizing AJ seriously looked like she was going to pass out.
I rounded up the rest of the family for breakfast. As usual, it only took about two seconds to get Applebloom downstairs. Big Mac was a light (and very paranoid) sleeper, so I wasn’t surprised that he was already awake. Granny Smith was the trickiest. In the end, I blew a foghorn in her general direction to wake her up, with mixed results. Once we were all seated at the table, I reviewed the plan for the day.
“Alright, applebucking with AJ until noon. Big Mac, you said you wanted more wood to replace the doors to the barn?” he nodded. “After that, I help Applebloom and her friends try to earn their Cutie Marks.” Applebloom nodded this time. “Okay, last but not least, school time. I promised Cheerilee I’d help the unicorns with their magic.” I finished my omelet, and with one swift motion, got out of my chair and jumped through a window to get started applebucking.
About two hours later, I was gulping lemonade by the quart and soaked in a sheen of sweat. You ever need exercise? Screw the gym. Try kicking five hundred trees until all the apples fall off. A passing Rainbow Dash thankfully kicked a storm cloud over my head, hitting me with a torrent of water and cleaning me off quite nicely. Next, to hit the shed. I got the wood, and with newly developed strength (I’m serious. Those trees work miracles for your body), hauled all of them back to Big Mac in one load. 
After that, it was my time with the kids. In other words, me being used as a test dummy while they did everything short of pouring radioactive waste over me.
Seriously, we did a lot of dangerous stuff today. Deep-sea diving, blasting, drug-trafficking investigation. Anything that involved some form of danger, we did it. But besides that, nothing much happened. Probably the biggest shock of the day, however, came from Scootaloo. When I was escorting them to school, she buzzed up behind me and jumped on my back.
“Thanks, big bro,” she said. That comment alone quite literally made my day. In fact, I realized something for the first time: Scootaloo was basically Sarah, but littler and orange. A warm smile touched my face.
“No problem, little sis.”
Second biggest shock of the day: trying to teach four unicorn foals how to control magic when it’s already haywire.
Cheerilee welcomed me with a small smile and ushered me into the schoolhouse. Can I just say one thing in advance: so many bleeping colors. Seriously, these foals were like a demented, ultra happy rainbow.
“Everypony, calm down,” Cheerilee said in a bright voice. “This is Dusk. He’s going to be teaching the unicorns how to better control their magic for the day, while the earth ponies will stay with me. The pegasi are going to be taught by miss Rainbow Dash.” Rainbow zoomed into the building and landed next to me. I grinned.
“Rainbow,” I whispered just loudly enough for her to hear, “Don’t cause too much property damage. They’re only kids, after all.” A quick thought crossed my mind. “Oh, and don’t treat them like badly. Especially Scoots. I am not having my little sister degraded.” Rainbow looked stunned. She leaned over to me and whispered back.
“You guys adopted her?” there was a twinge of sadness in her voice.
“No, but she called me ‘big bro’ this morning, and I feel the same way. She pretty much is the sister I wished would come back.” I left it at that and brought the unicorns to a secluded clearing near the edge of the forest.
“Now, you’re all here to learn about magic. First thing’s first: can anypony actually use magic yet?” I asked. No one raised their hooves. “Good. That makes my job one hay of a lot harder, and I love hard work.” I started pacing back and forth. I noticed the kids were staring at me with strange looks.
“Um, Dusk?” a bluish colt asked. “Aren’t you gonna be teaching us?”
I nodded. “Yes, but there’s a special teacher I’m waiting on. Ah, here she is now.” A familiar wolfish shape formed in the shadows. Starlight popped out of the trees, shaking her fur.
“Ugh, I hate smoke-travels. Always pop my ears.” She stopped to look at three terrified foals and an excited filly. “Hello, all. Hello, miss Belle.” She tipped her head towards Sweetie Belle, who waved back.
“Aw, come on, guys,” I coaxed. “I know she may not be much of a looker, but she ain’t that bad!” I dodged a swipe from Star and danced backward, laughing. Once everypony had calmed down, I began again.
“Alright. There are two parts to this lesson: actually unlocking your magic, and then taking control of it. I prefer to do these separately, but only because the magic is more uncontrollable when combining these two.” I summoned the Keyblade. “Now, this is a shortcut, but I won’t use it unless absolutely necessary. The key to unlocking your magic is actually understanding magic itself. Can anypony tell me what magic is?”
The blue colt raised his hoof. I pointed at him. “Archer, you’re up.”
“Magic’s the energy all ponies absorb from the planet’s core, Gaea, right?”
“Correct, Archie. Now, Gaea is, in itself, a living being. Think of her as… the ultimate alicorn. That much energy, super-compressed and spinning at extremely high speeds, mutates very easily. Now, about five, maybe six thousand years ago, Gaea began to give off huge amounts of energy. Nopony knows why, but most theories point to the fact that she just couldn’t build up any more power. The unicorns were hit by this the most heavily, and so we’re the ones that can use magic.” I rubbed my hooves together. “Now, let’s move on to practice. Star will be the one who teaches you to unlock your magic, and I will help you master it.”
And so, the lesson began. After some concentration, all four unicorns were able to let their magic flow. The interesting part was that it manifested as different runes: one for fire, one for flight, one for emotion, and the last for music. Then we got to the magic mastery, and things got a little… explosive.
Turns out, Archer was very good at handling blast spells. I wasn’t sure what Dinky was doing, but whenever she was nearby, I began to get this uneasiness in my gut. Probably an instinct-twisting spell. The third unicorn, Blaze, wasn’t very surprising. Guess what? Fire!
It was actually Sweetie Belle that was having the most trouble. I found her straining on a rock, struggling to redirect the flow of magic to her will. She gave up, panting, and looked at me with tears in her eyes.
“I’ll never get it,” she moped. I placed a comforting hoof on her shoulder.
“Sweetie Belle, I have an idea. Something that’ll calm you down.” I pulled my guitar out of thin air and adjusted a knob. “Damn space-travel. Always bends it out of tune.” Sweetie made a sad laugh. I started strumming again.
“Beauty queen of only eighteen, she had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her she always belonged to someone else

I walked for miles and miles and wound up at your door
I’ve had you so many times but somehow I want more

I don’t mind spending every day, out on your corner in the pourin’ rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay a while
‘Cause she will be loved, oh she will be loved

Tap on my window, knock on my door
I wanna make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure, but that don’t matter anymore

It’s not always rainbow and butterflies, it’s compromise that moves us along
My heart if full and my door is open
You can come any time you want

I don’t mind spending every day, out of your corner in the pourin’ rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay a while
‘Cause she will be loved, oh she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide alone in your home
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch them every time they fall
Yeah

Tap on my window, knock on my door 
I wanna make you feel beautiful

I don’t mind spending every day, out on your corner in the pourin’ rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay a while
And she will be loved,
And she will be loved,
And she will be loved,
And she will be loved.”

As usual, Sweetie’s flawless voice captivated all those around her. This time, though, it was different. The notes were laced with extremely subtle hints of magic; so subtle, in fact, I doubt Rarity or Twilight would be able to catch it. The music twisted the laws of nature. The trees swayed, though no wind was blowing. The grass was growing at an alarming rate, and the other three unicorns stared at her with half-conscious smiles.
“Sweetie Belle, I think we just found your control,” I said. Sweetie stared at me for a second, then with a massive smile, jumped on me and hugged me. Beautiful moment, right?
Well, it was all ruined by the damn parasprites.
There was an explosion of sound, like hundreds of ponies screaming in agony at once. The unicorns snapped out of their trance in time to dash for their homes. Sweetie, Starlight and I raced back to town to see what the commotion was all about. 
In the town square, hundreds of little multicolored flies were buzzing around and eating things. Cake, veggies, anything that was related to food and was dead, they ate. Whenever they swallowed something, however, they multiplied. Now I was starting to see what kind of threat these things were.
“Twilight, what’s going on?!” I yelled to a passing lavender unicorn. She turned. 
“Fluttershy found these things in the Everfree and now they won’t stop eating!” she yelled back. I ran around town, helping out as many ponies as I could. Twilight found me barricading a bunch of them in a bucket.
“Andrew, I’m going to try a spell to make them stop eating!” she shouted. I nodded.
“Just make sure it doesn’t end up like last time!” I called back. She blushed a little and set to work on a spell. If I know Twi, there’s gonna be some collateral damage…
And I was right.
Twilight’s spell worked perfectly. The parasprites turned away from any and all food. The only problem was, they started to eat everything else instead. Houses and trees were devoured instantly. The ponies running around town were screaming with terror. And Vael was enjoying every last second of it.
“Can you shut up for a second?” I asked myself. “I’m trying to concentrate.” I tried to focus, but a horrible thought crept into my mind. “The Acres…” I whispered in horror. I quickly teleported. 
Sweet Apple Acres was a complete disaster. Apples were half-eaten on the trees, parasprites were everywhere, and the house was in tatters. AJ was running around with Big Mac, trying unsuccessfully to protect their property.
“ENOUGH!” I shouted. Magic buzzed through me like a storm, and a golden wave of light flashed from my horn. Everywhere in a two mile radius, the parasprites froze and dropped to the ground. With another burst of magic, the apples and the house were once again normal. I stalked up to the nearest parasprites. Though its body was unmoving, its eyes were wide with terror.
“Listen to me, you insolent little bastard,” I hissed. “If you or your friends even come close to this farm in the future, there will be consequences. Understood?” the parasprite’s eyes bobbed up and down in agreement. I released the stunning spell, and the insects zoomed into the Everfree faster than you can say “nuisance”. The rush of magic left me dizzy and nauseous. I grabbed the nearest empty bucket from its tree and vomited in it. Spitting the taste of bile out of my mouth, I turned to the gaping Apple family.
“If I ever do that again, you have free permission to buck me from here to Ponyville for being such an idiot,” I told them. Big Mac just kept staring while AJ grinned.
“What in the hay happened here?” a voice asked from behind me. Applebloom was sitting at the gate, her head cocked to the side with a quizzical expression. “Wasn’t there weird critters like the ones in town over here?”
“Applebloom, let’s just say I got the good end of the bargain with those cheeky gits.” I turned to the house. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to see if stomach acid reacts with baking soda.” I turned back to the house.
Stomach acid + Baking Soda: not a very good idea. It explodes. Violently.
So, after cleaning up the kitchen and brushing the taste out of my mouth, I returned to the chaotic Ponyville. Twilight was apologizing profusely to everyone who would stop long enough to listen. As I rushed down to help, Pinkie whizzed by. I caught her by the tail (it really DID taste like cotton candy!). 
“Pinkie, where are you going?” I asked mildly.
“I have to find a trombone, quick!”
Okay. “Casting the total randomness of that statement aside, why do you need a trombone?”
“Silly!” Pinkie exclaimed with her usual smile. “Everypony knows that parasprites love music. I wonder if they love cupcakes. I saw a few eating a tray of cupcakes in my kitchen, you know.”
As Pinks rambled on, the dots slowly connected in my head. “Pinkamena Diane Pie, you are a frigging genius!” I shouted, pulling Pinkie into a hug. “Go find the rest of those instruments. I know somepony who can help.” She nodded, saluted and then dashed off. Running back through town, I quickly weaved my way to Rarity’s boutique. Flinging open the door, I completely disregarded Rarity and headed straight for Sweetie Belle’s room.
“Sweetie Belle!” I shouted when I opened the door. She came rushing up to me. “No time to explain. Grab on!” she clung to my foreleg as I teleported. Reaching the other side of town in less than ten seconds? No problem. Call on Rainbow Dash or Andrew for all your speedy needs.
Pinkie was waiting for us just outside of town. She had a one-man band getup: accordion, trombone, snare drum, etc. I pulled out my second favorite instrument and tested it.
“You play sax?” Pinkie asked me. Sure enough, there was a beauteous gold saxophone in my hooves.
“What can I say? I like jazz.” I tossed it back into the crack in reality and pulled out my guitar. “Ah, there we go. Alright, we’re ready. Sweetie, when I start playing, sing, alright?” she nodded. I twisted a knob and began.
“I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known
Don’t know where it goes, but it’s home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street, on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps, and I’m the only one and I walk alone
And I walk alone, and I walk alone
And I walk alone, and I walk a-

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there would find me
But till then I walk alone

I’m walking down the line that divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge is where I walk alone
Read between the lines, what’s screwed up and everything’s alright
Check my vital signs to know I’m still alive
Then I’ll walk alone 
And I walk alone, and I walk alone
And I walk alone, and I walk a- 

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there would find me
But till then I walk alone

I walk alone, I walk a-

I walk this empty street, on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps, and I’m the only one and I walk a-

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there would find me
But till then I walk alone”

Ah, the joys that song can bring you, even when you’re crying. The parasprites themselves were so moved that they went single-file down the street and Pinkie, Sweetie and I passed. We led them deep into the Everfree Forest, to a clearing I knew well; it was t place Vael went berserk twice a month. All around the clearing there were shattered boulder, uprooted trees, even a bloody manticore carcass.
“Oh, dear,” I said quietly. “I hope that wasn’t Leroy.”
“Who’s Leroy?” Pinkie asked excitedly. “Ooh, can we throw him a party?”
“Leroy was that manticore that Nightmare Moon attacked back in chapter 1, Pinks.”
“Ooh! Does that mean we can throw his ghost a party?” Pinkie asked. Damn that exuberant attitude. 
“Fine. We can throw Leroy’s ghost a party. It better be a freaking good one, though.” I was aware that I didn’t just say damn. Oh well, it must be those “never cuss around children” instincts. Believe me, I’ve already gotten into enough trouble like that.
“Now, we must escort the savior of Ponyville back to her home!” I shouted in mock glory. Sweetie laughed and hit me on the shoulder. How come all the girls in this town can throw the deadliest punches in history? Must be something to do with the hooves.
I headed back towards Carousel Boutique with Sweetie. Rarity was half demonically enraged that I would drag her into the Everfree without prior knowledge, half kissing the ground at my feet for bringing her back safe.
“Rarity, you’re worrying me. I was under the impression that you and AJ were the only ponies in our little clique who didn’t have their bipolar moments.” Running away as fast as I could to get away from the constant mood swings of Rarity, I dashed back to AJ’s farm as the sun set over the sky.
I teleported my way onto the roof and fell asleep. I know it’s an anticlimactic end to the day, but come on! There were two songs in this chapter, I had to explain magic to four kids, I had to help lead a horde of parasprites away from the town, and on top it all off, I was working my ass off in the morning. In other words, I was tired. Goodnight.

> Mini Chapter 1: Hearth's Warming Funeral
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------




Mini Chapter 1: Hearth’s Warming Funeral

WARNING! Third person POV switch imminent!

Applejack was having a good day. It was Hearth’s Warming Eve, and she and her friends had taken time off their respective jobs to play in the snow together. Of course, things took a relative turn for the worse when she realized the unicorns were seriously good at throwing snowballs, and she soon ended up in a pile of snow next to Pinkie Pie. Laughing and clawing her way out, she jumped on top of the pile. 
After that, they had hot cocoa and Pinkie’s famous cookies in Sugarcube Corner. While they were content waiting out the flurries of snow in the warm bakery, something felt… off about the day. She couldn’t place her hoof on it. In the end, she guessed she must have been too used to working all day.
The rest of the day was spent in total fun. Pinkie zoomed off when she realized she still hadn’t set up a Hearth’s Warming Eve party. After that, you could only signify her presence as a pinkish blur leaving various tracks in the snow.
Applejack, along with Pinkie, had the task of making the various treats and goodies for the party. Of course, this took up a lot of time. By the time everypony was done and the party was set up, it was late evening. As the girls and the CMC headed back home to prepare themselves, a faint strumming was heard from inside the Everfree. 
A very familiar, sad strumming.
Concerned, Twilight led them on a faint trail deep into the woods. As they passed poisonous plants and strange creatures that made them shiver, the strums became ever louder. Finally, they reached a clearing. Andrew was sitting against a tree, words barely passing his lips.
“-Dear agony, just let go of me,
I’ve suffered slowly, is this the way it’s gotta be?
Dear agony.”
His voice, though melodious as ever, was broken and hollow. No light shone in his defeated eyes, and his mane was dull and flat against his coat. What he was staring at, though, they could not identify. As they reached closer, Andrew flicked a sad glance in their direction before resuming his song. It was mournfully sad, and by the end, everypony save Andrew had tears in their eyes.
“Hey, gals,” he said. His voice cracked. Twilight, Scootaloo and Applejack trotted over and placed hooves on his shoulder.
“What’s wrong, sugarcube?” AJ asked with a kind smile. Andrew responded with a weak chuckle.
“I’m in the middle of the most dangerous forest in Equestria with my guitar, and I’m playing sad songs. Whatever would make you think something was wrong?” everyone chuckled. He nodded towards the three strange objects in the middle of the clearing. The group crowded around to see what had made Andrew lose his cheer.
The objects were made of polished marble. Each was about two and a half feet deep. The two on the ends were long, maybe six feet, while the one in the middle was only half that.
“Graves,” Andrew said from behind them. AJ’s blood ran cold, and she shivered.
“Ya mean…” she trailed off. He nodded.
“My family.” Everypony backed away from the coffins. Fluttershy and Applebloom even looked scared, like touching them was bad luck. Andrew sighed and trotted up to them, strapping his guitar to his back as he used his magic to open the lids. Three human figures stared up, unseeing. The physicians had managed to fix Andrew’s family’s heads up quite nicely. You would assume only that they were sleeping, if not for the broken and unseeing eyes. He pointed to the smallest one, a young girl.
“That was Sarah. I figure you all would’ve liked her. She was creative, adventurous, and the most annoying part of all, she had spunk that would rival RD’s.” the group laughed, with the exception of Scootaloo and Rainbow herself. “Now that I think about, you remind me of Sarah, Scoots. The difference is that you’re a pegasus.” I rubbed her head and she smiled contentedly. Andrew circled about to the next coffin. A young man was looking up to them. He was, under other circumstances, particularly handsome, with close-cut black hair and the remnants of a beard.
“My father, Lucas. You guys definitely would’ve loved him. He was sarcastic, funny, and always cheerful in that half-annoying, half-infectious Pinkie way. I remember more about him than any of my other family. That’s probably because we got into the most trouble together.” He laughed in spite of himself, then continued. “He was always the leader when it came to group activities. That was one of the things about him: he would do things just right at the right time. Over time, it became an unofficial rule around town that whenever someone was planning a trip, organizing a sport, hell, even starting a riot, Dad would be in charge.” Finally, Zed trotted over to a young woman. She had golden brown ringlets and wore a simple black gown.
“My mother, Gwen. She was the active one of the family. Whatever it was, unless it involved violence, she was always part of it. She left a lot, though. Business trips took her all over the country. As such, I never got to see much of her. When she was home, she would take Sarah and I on the most extraordinary adventures. We got stuck on the St. Louis Arch one time, when a kid with black hair jumped off and plunged straight into a lake. Something about a killer Chihuahua or something. it was quite a laugh, now that I think about it.”
AJ trotted up and laid a hoof on his shoulder again. “Why didn’t ya tell us ‘bout this before?” she asked softly.
“Because, it was a secret that only I keep. Every year, I spend this day at my family’s graves, playing my guitar in the hopes that I’ll attract their attention from wherever they are. It seems like this time, I got an answer.”
“Really? What was it?” Twilight asked, cocking her head to one side. Andrew looked up, a single tear in his eye and the bright golden glow back.
“It was you guys.”
Everyone “Awwwww’ed” and group hugged. After squirming out, Andrew’s horn glowed gold once more. A long, low wall of polished marble appeared at the heads of the coffins. As they watched, flowing script etched in gold twisted its way across the surface.
“Here lie the last humans to enter Equestria: Lucas Christopher Gillen, Gwendolyn Marie Gillen, and Sarah Riley Gillen. Though their souls are long gone, they still exist in body and memory, and they wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Andrew headed back to the Acres after that, not participating in the Hearth’s Warming Eve party. The other girls had a fun time, though Applejack still couldn’t help but feel uneasy. Rarity noticed right away.
“Oh, Applejack darling. Whatever is the matter?” she asked. The cowpony looked around for a moment, then pulled Rarity off to one side.
“Ya promise ya won’t tell nopony?” she asked quietly. Rarity nodded. AJ gave her a stern look.
“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” Rarity sighed. AJ squirmed a little.
“Well, it’s about… a stallion.” She immediately stuffed her hoof in Rarity’s mouth to keep her from squealing.
“Oh, this is marvelous!” Rarity softly exclaimed. “Who is he? Is he handsome? Does he have manners? Where does he come from? Oh, dear, you must tell me everything!” by this point, Rarity was no longer able to control her own hooves, and they went flailing wildly into the air. AJ dragged her even further away from the party before answering.
“Well… it’s Andrew.”
Rarity squealed again, though this time it was not stopped. 
“Well, you certainly did pick the right pony to fall for. He’s so handsome. I mean, those gorgeous liquid gold eyes. That beautiful ebony mane. And he’s so fit.” Rarity rambled on for several more minutes, making Applejack queasier by the second. By the time Rarity stopped, she felt like she’d be sick.
“Oh, what’s wrong, my dear?” Rarity asked.
“Ah’m worried!” AJ squeaked, finally admitting her fears. “What if he doesn’t like me back? What if he’s just using me? What if he gets sent back to Earth?” It was AJ’s turn to rant now. Rarity patiently waited for her to calm down before speaking.
“Well, how far have you gotten in your relationship?” she asked. AJ looked shyly at her hooves.
“Well, we’ve already… kissed…” she said tentatively. Rarity looked as though she would explode with excitement.
“Then you’re doing everything right, Applejack!” she nearly shouted. AJ tried as hard as she could to calm Rarity. Once the unicorn was again stable, she continued.
“Ah’m still terrified. What if ah mess up in front of him? What if he loses interest in me? What if-” Rarity shoved her hoof in AJ’s mouth to keep her from hyperventilating.
“Applejack, it’s obvious he already likes you for who you are. I mean, he’s seen you often enough out in the orchard, where you get all dirty and sweaty, and he hasn’t run away yet!”
“Yeah, but in all fairness, Rare, he’s in the exact same condition. Although,” she admitted, “He don’t look half bad when he’s tuckered out. Ah mean, the way the sweat just rolls off his coat.” AJ went into another trance. Rarity had to actually slap her to snap her out of it.
“Now Applejack, I want you to go home, find him and confess your feelings.” AJ began to protest, but Rarity wouldn’t have any of it. “No buts. Now, go. You don’t want him to have fallen asleep.” 
Applejack got home that night to find a small gift wrapped up on the rug. She took a look at the tag.

“From Andrew
To AJ
Happy Hearth’s Warming. Hope you like it”

Confused, Applejack opened the box. Inside was a stunning fire opal, carved and faceted into the shape of an apple. Surrounding it was an intricately twisting pattern of golden vines, nestling the gem in place. A fine gold chain held the pendant up. Applejack stared at it for a while before finally snapping out of her trance. She smiled and put it on, tucking the chain behind her mane. She walked over to a slightly snoring Andrew, leaned down and kissed him on the cheek. His face cleared, and a soft smile was visible on his features. AJ silently thanked him one more time before heading to bed.

> Winter Wrap-Up
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------




Chapter 10: Winter Wrap Up

Four months. Four months is how long I stayed in Equestria when the weirdest thing ever to grace my ears was heard:
“Come on, gals! It’s time to clean up winter!”
What the bloody nine freaking hells.
I mean, who cleans up winter? I know the ponies take care of the weather around here, but that’s just ridiculous. Besides, why don’t they make it a gradual process instead of a one-day thing? Doing it all at once; it’s like homework. When you’re done, you’re nothing but cranky and irritable and people have a hard time approaching you without getting their eyeballs gouged out by dull pencils.
Yeah, I wasn’t that great in school.
So anyways, I was off to help the ponies clean up all the snow in Ponyville. As the mayor gave the whole “winter cleaned up on time” speech, I ran the ideas through my head. We could simply shovel away all the snow and use a big lens to melt it, thus providing clean water that we could drink and use to feed the plants and animals. We could, in theory, use all of the clouds for this too, or we could just recycle the clouds for the next few months. The earth ponies could simply use all of the free space that the snow had taken up to grow more food, so we wouldn’t run low.
These ponies didn’t know anything about recycling, did they? Then again, they didn’t exactly have dwindling resources and pollution to worry about.
So, off it went. Since neither Twilight nor I had figured out what we were good at, we stuck together. But you know what has to happen beforehand…

(Please note: I will be writing this script-style because there are way too many parts to handle the way I normally do songs.)

Rainbow: “Three months of winter coolness, and awesome holidays.”
Pinkie: “We’ve kept our hoovsies warm at home, time off from work to play.”
Applejack: “But the food we’ve stored is running out and we can’t grow in this cold.”
Rarity: “And even though I love my boots, this fashion’s getting old.”

Twilight: “The time has come to welcome spring and all things warm and green
But it’s also time to say goodbye, it’s winter we must clean
How can I help? I’m new you see. What does everypony do?
How do I fit in without magic? I haven’t got a clue!”

All: “Winter Wrap Up, Winter Wrap Up! Let’s finish our holiday cheer.
Winter Wrap Up, Winter Wrap Up!
(‘Cause tomorrow spring is here) ‘Cause tomorrow spring is here!”

Rainbow: “Bringing home the southern birds, a pegasus’ job begins
And clearing all the gloomy skies, and let the sunshine in!
We move the clouds and we melt the white snow
When the sun comes out its warmth and beauty will glow!”

All: “Winter Wrap Up, Winter Wrap Up! Let’s finish our holiday cheer.
Winter Wrap Up, Winter Wrap Up!
‘Cause tomorrow spring is here
Winter Wrap Up, Winter Wrap Up!
‘Cause tomorrow spring is here, ‘Cause tomorrow spring is here!”

Rarity: “Little critters hibernate under the snow and ice.”
Fluttershy: “We wake up all their sleepy heads, so quietly and nice.”
Rarity: “We help them gather up their food, and fix their homes below!”
Fluttershy: “We welcome back the southern birds,”
Rarity and Fluttershy: “So their families can grow!”

All: “Winter Wrap Up, Winter Wrap Up! Let’s finish our holiday cheer.
Winter Wrap Up, Winter Wrap Up!
‘Cause tomorrow spring is here
Winter Wrap Up, Winter Wrap Up!
‘Cause tomorrow spring is here, ‘Cause tomorrow spring is here!”

Applejack: “No easy task to clear the ground, plant our tiny seeds!
With proper care and sunshine, everyone it feeds.
Apples, carrots, celery stalks, colorful flowers too!
We must work so very hard, it’s just so much to do!”

Andrew: “Been playin’ my music all three months, just me and Vinyl Scratch
Octavia and Lyra too, but I never liked orchestra crap.
So it’s time for me and Scratch to make up some new tunes
Some rockin’ songs and heartbreak, and maybe dubstep too!”

All: “Winter Wrap Up, Winter Wrap Up! Let’s finish our holiday cheer.
Winter Wrap Up, Winter Wrap Up!
‘Cause tomorrow spring is here
Winter Wrap Up, Winter Wrap Up!”
Pinkie: “’Cause tomorrow spring is here!”
All: “’Cause tomorrow spring is here!”

Twilight: “Now that I know what they all do, I have to find my place
And help with all of my heart, tough task ahead I face.
How will I do without my magic, help the earth pony way?
I wanna belong, so I must do my best today
Do my best today”

All: “Winter Wrap Up, Winter Wrap Up! Let’s finish our holiday cheer.
Winter Wrap Up, Winter Wrap Up!
‘Cause tomorrow spring is here
Winter Wrap Up, Winter Wrap Up!”
Twilight: “‘Cause tomorrow spring is here
‘Cause tomorrow spring is here
‘Cause tomorrow spring is here!”

Okay, even I, the sarcastic and upbeat demon, will admit that the song we just sang was quite possibly the most insanely AWESOME song on the face of Equestria.
“What did you mean by ‘playing your music’?” Twilight asked as she, Vinyl and Octavia congregated in the square. I gave her an incredulous look.
“You mean all, and absolutely ALL, of the background music we’ve been playing for you ponies for the past ten chapters has been completely ignored?” I asked. Octavia huffed and trotted off. Vinyl muttered a quick “not cool, Twi”, and followed her. Pinkie popped up out of nowhere.
“You mean that was you guys?” she bubbled. “Oh, that was sooo cool!”
“Yes, it was, Pinkie, though Twilight here seems not to appreciate it very much,” I mumbled. Twilight looked half confused, half guilty.
“Sorry, guys,” she said.
“No problem, Twi,” I muttered. “Let’s just find our places in this whole ‘winter’ thing.” We trotted along the path, me sulking and her trying to apologize for something she didn’t recognize she had done.
As we walked, I reviewed the spots I was most adept at. Pinkie was an obvious choice; I’d spent many a winter with Dominic and a few other friends tearing up a lake in speed skating contests. Applejack? No. as much as I like her, I had absolutely zero skill with plants. Fluttershy was a maybe, since I wasn’t usually bad with animals and had twenty one wolves backing me up. Then again, maybe little forest critters wouldn’t take kindly to multicolored predators waking them up. Rarity was again a no, mostly because I wouldn’t stand to hear her drone on about her newest fashion line for the next seven hours. So that left… 
Dear God, not Rainbow Dash.
You see, I hadn’t exactly been on the best terms with her, what with me scaring Gilda away, making fun of her name, shouting at her when she wanted those thrice-damned tickets back in chapter 2, etc. Basically, she and I were pissed with each other, and continued the feud for no good reason. And I absolutely refuse to be on her team for the weather brigade.
Besides, I’m not a pegasus, but meh.
So, I was left with either Pinkie or Fluttershy. Out of the two, I’m going with Pinkie. But only because she hands out free cupcakes every ten minutes. 
And so, after Twilight completely forgetting she didn’t have wings and therefore couldn’t fly, we headed on down to the lake where Pinkie was skating. She was humming a jolly tune that sounded like “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” as she slid expertly on the ice. I whistled.
“Dang, Pinkie. I knew you were good when it came to skating, but that’s the best I’ve ever seen.” She grinned and tossed me a pair of skates.
“Well, from what I’ve heard, you’re not bad yourself.” She gave me a sly wink. “Catch me if you can, Andy!” she cackled as she zoomed off. Laughing, I raced after her. I zoomed past her, blowing a raspberry, before sharply turning and leaving her in a pile of snow. I whisked across the lake, carving thin, curving lines into the snow and ice as I curled inwards to pile up my mass into one spot. Several minutes of spins, tricks and all around speed, I laid against the cold snow, panting. Pinkie had somehow managed to get into her huge balloon and was staring at the lake. She suddenly burst out laughing.
“Andy… you’ve gotta see this!” she shrieked.  I twisted up and used a teleport spell to pop up at the top of the balloon. 
I doubled over. I swear, it was just too damn hilarious. I had accidentally carved- and get this –a troll face. A goddamn troll face, in the middle of a lake. Take that, Celestia! Problem?
After my fit, Pinkie and I landed on a very sad Twilight. She had tried to skate, but apparently Sparkles weren’t good when it came to anything icy. Or skatey. 
So, that’s one down, one to go. I stuck with Twi when she trotted off, only because I wanted to be a good friend and she was… well, to put it bluntly, depressed. Her first two ideas totally messed up, and I doubted she was going to be good at the others. I mean, she’s afraid of snakes, bats, badgers, etc. and she was never the best when it came to crafts. Nevertheless, she pushed forward with the determination of a pilot breaking the air-speed record. I traced along, making light conversation with the rest of the ponies. I passed the Doctor and Lyra dragging piles of seed down to Sweet Apple Acres, where AJ was directing ponies in the distance. Colgate was trying, unsuccessfully, to clear the path without magic. Poor unicorns. Wait, strike that. I’m a unicorn, aren’t I?
We finally made our way to Rarity’s, where she was measuring the size of a branch with a tape and a magnifying glass.
“Rarity, it doesn’t have to be to exact measurements. They’re birds; anywhere other than Equestria, and they’d be complete idiots.” Rarity glared at me.
“Of course they have to be perfect!” she said. “These birds are finally coming home after three months, and I want to have their nests in top condition.”
“While you’re at it, you might as well add a walk-in closet,” I snickered. Something in Rarity’s eyes told me she was going to take my idea seriously. Why do I hang out with these girls again? Oh, right. The whole “Elements of Harmony” thing.
“Alright, Danny boy, what’s next?” I asked. Danny, who had appeared to give me angst, as usual, was holding a notepad in between his teeth.
“You know, you still never explained this guy to me,” Twilight said, gesturing to Danny. He growled and dropped the pad.
“Calling me ‘this guy’, Miss Sparkle, is like calling you a horse,” he said softly. Twilight recoiled at the word “horse”. “For your information, I am a sentient form of energy recreated from the Element of Hope, as well as the second in command for Brenner’s Wolves, the alien’s personal guard.”
“Call me ‘the alien’ again, and I’ll sic Cat on you,” I said. Danny raised an eyebrow and laughed.
“Who’s Cat?” Twilight asked.
“Friend from home,” I said shortly. I idly pulled my Keyblade out of thin air and flipped it about with magic. Well, until I almost gave Derpy an accidental mane cut. She stomped past me, holding her wings close as she took to the skies, heading south.
“Sorry!” I yelled, only to receive a cloud to the face. I licked it off.
“Mmm, tastes like chicken,” I whispered to myself. Danny roared with laughter, scaring Twilight. We trotted on, heading towards Sweet Apple Acres, with AJ leading the others in the distance. I stopped a few yards away and called her over. She grinned as she approached, nuzzling me as she passed.
“Howdy there, stranger,” she said. I tipped an imaginary hat. Twilight stared at AJ for a second, desperation in her eyes. I noticed her silent pleas.
“No magic, Twi,” I warned. She turned and nodded quickly before looking back to AJ. The cowpony sighed.
“Fine,” she said. “Just no magic, ya hear?” Twilight nodded again. As she rushed out to the farms, AJ turned towards me. “Now, why haven’t ya come to visit me sooner?”
“Well, I never was the best with plants,” I murmured. “Seems the only thing I can do related to farming is applebucking.”
“Now, ya know that ain’t what ah meant,” she said softly, nuzzling me again. She leaned her head softly against my shoulder and stared ahead at the apple orchards, a soft sigh escaping her lips. The orchard was beautiful in the snow. Of course, apple trees bore fruit all year long here, and the bloody reds and spring greens made the soft snow seem like it had infinite texture. To put it simply, the moment was simply… magical.
After several minutes, I broke the soft embrace and trotted down the road. “AJ, please take care of Twilight. I know she can be a little… overzealous at times.” We both chuckled. “Just promise that if she fails, you won’t get too mad at her.” I facehoofed. “Oh, listen at me. I sound like a worried parent. Well, see ya.” I trotted off just to hear a massive bang from the middle of the fields. Great, it looks like Twilight has discovered the explosive effects of mismanaged spells. Streaking past the curious ponies, I raced to get away from the farm in case any more accidents happened. Besides, Applejack had been acting slightly more explosive with her emotions over the past few days. Do ponies get periods? That may explain much.
“Pinkie!” I shouted. She was there in a flash.
“You called, Gold?” she said seriously. I choked.
“What… how do you know that name?!” I asked, a mixture of trepidation and anxiety seeping into my soul. I know you readers want to know what I have to do with this “Gold”, right? Well, I’m not telling! Just wait. All will be revealed eventually.
“Well, I was walking along today when I got a combo! It was ear flop, tail twitch, achy shoulder, lazy eye, and shuffly hooves, and that means somepony named Gold is nearby!” not going to ask. Not. Going. To. Ask.
“Pinkie,” I said slowly, “Please, whatever you do, don’t mention that name again. Just Pinkie Promise me, I’m begging you.” Pinkie looked confused, but made the Promise. “Oh, speaking of which, I need a triple chocolate cupcake with two shots of pure caffeine.” Out of nowhere, she handed one out to me. Thanking her, I swallowed it in one quick gulp. Wait for it… wait for it…
Holyshitthiscupcakemakesmefeelincredible!
So, after the initial caffeine rush, I set about with waking up the animals. You might think this is normal, right? Except I was going approximately seventy miles per hour. Fluttershy finally had to send me off because I’d woken up a family of snakes too fast, and well… you get the picture.
“This sucks!” I shouted. “I’ve got nothing to do, I’m on a sugar/caffeine rush, and if I don’t move soon, I think my heart is gonna explode!” Heart… now why did that give me an idea? Two hearts… TIME LORD!
Well, it’s official. Come on, everypony, let’s go annoy the crap out of the Doctor!
I shot down to Ponyville at near-inpony speeds, abruptly stopping at a small flat with an hourglass overhead. I knocked four times, in quick succession. Another four knocks. And another. And another.
The Doctor burst out of the door, pointing his sonic at me with murder in his eyes. His expression softened only slightly when he saw me.
“Let me guess, you thought I was the Master?” I asked. He nodded, and I hoof pumped. “Yes!”
“What are you doing here, Andrew?” he sighed.
“Well, I’m on a sugar high, and I thought the best place to be would be a Time Lord’s house.” He facehoofed. 
“Well, you might as well come in,” he said. I trotted in, my brain taking in information like an extremely hyper computer. There was an abundance of random knick-knacks: a timey-wimey detector here, half-finished blueprints there. I could’ve sworn I saw The One Ring in there somewhere, but I got distracted by our favorite blue box before I could take a closer look. The Doctor unlocked the TARDIS and flung her doors open.
“It’s bigger on the inside,” I said in faux awe, just to humor him.
“I know. Brilliant, isn’t it?”
“Oh, Doctor. I have one thing to say before I go mayhem.” I grinned. “Still not ginger.” He looked like he was going to explode with a combination of laughter and resignation. Poor Doctor. He’s never gonna be ginger, is he?
“Oh, by the way, Doctor. Since you technically changed forms when you entered this universe, does that mean you’ve used one of your regenerations?” I asked. He cocked his head.
“You know, I’m not sure,” he admitted. “I was unconscious when I came through the gap, so I might have regenerated without knowing.”
“Whoa, wait a minute. How did you get knocked out in the middle of the TARDIS? Did it have something to do with the Weeping Angels?”
He nodded. “I had just dropped Martha off back home. It turns out the Angels Sally Sparrow defeated were moved. It had something to do with a cult ritual or something. naturally, the second they weren’t staring at each other, the lock broke and they killed all of the cultists. They decided, against better judgment, they still wanted the TARDIS, and traced it forward to the 2200’s. I was zipping around when they somehow managed to get on the TARDIS and wrecked the bathroom. I managed to subdue them, but then I got the distress signal you were inadvertently sending. When I turned back to the controls, I set the course, but then an Angel bashed a pot over my head.”
“Hold on, that still leaves too many questions. Why would the Angels just knock you out, instead of sending you back and feeding on your potentials? Why would they not feed off the TARDIS control matrix?” 
“Well, if the Angels sent me back in time and I died beforehand, they would have to absorb all my existence at once, which would undoubtedly kill them. As for the control matrix, I have no idea…”
The gears whirred in my head, and slowly things fell into place. As a kid, I’d convinced the CEO of the BBC to loan me all of the original Doctor Who seasons for a day. Don’t ask me how. Well, I copied them all onto DVD format. If the Seventh Doctor was right…
“I’ve got it!” I shouted. “Doctor, they couldn’t get to the main power source because it isn’t in the control matrix!” he stared at me for a second, before motioning me to continue. “Well, what if the control matrix was only a conduit for the power?” The Doctor cocked his head.
“Then where would the power… come… from…” he looked at me with a mix of astonishment and incredulity. I grinned.
“The Eye of Harmony!” we both shouted. The Doctor raced through the TARDIS with me close behind. Soon, we reached a small observation room with a thick steel cube set into the floor. I put my eye up to a scanner. After a moment, the top of the cube opened to reveal a black hole, suspended in space.
“But this can’t be the real one!” the Doctor shouted, shaking his head.
“That’s the thing; it isn’t,” I explained. “I theorize that somehow, Rassilon (greatest Time Lord of legend) managed to start a never-ending nuclear energy mine in the real Eye: the balance of Gallifrey against the Eye would split the atoms already absorbed by the black whole, releasing massive amounts of energy. Meanwhile, the Eye itself would force them back together. But that still leaves the output with nowhere to go.” The Doctor eyed me, somewhat impressed. “So, I’m guessing that each of these replica Eyes are receivers: they capture and harness the energy released by the main Eye and send it to the control matrix to run the TARDIS. Only now that this is the only functioning TARDIS left in existence, the power from the Eye is supercharging it. That’s why the Angels want it so badly; they can smell it from across galaxies, Doctor.”
“But that leaves only one problem: Gallifrey is stuck in a time-lock.”
“Oh, Doctor. Poor, naïve little Doctor. What is time but motion? And what is motion but heat? And what is heat but energy?” At this, the Doctor got a goofy grin on his face. “The energy is escaping by using the time-lock against itself; the time-lock is expelling all of the energy from Gallifrey the day it happened. Energy takes the path of least resistance; in this case, to the receiver around the Eye. That means the Time Lords literally created an endless fuel supply for the last TARDIS in existence.” I finished my rant with a flourish and a bow. The Doctor looked like he was going to hug me, but dashed around and checked the buttons and screens that dotted the room.
“Andrew, you are a bloody genius!” he yelled. I tossed him a pear, in hopes that his hate for the fruit would calm him, but he bit into it cheerfully. I groaned and made my way out of the TARDIS and the house.
“Alright, now what’s going on here?” I asked myself, rubbing my hooves together. Rainbow Dash, AJ and Fluttershy were arguing in the middle of the square.
“Rainbow, move those clouds pronto!” AJ yelled. “We gotta melt this here snow so we can plant the crops.”
“Oh no, we can’t do that,” Fluttershy murmured. “If we melt the snow too fast, it will flood the little animals’ homes.”
“Then wake up the critters faster!” AJ shot back.
“No, we need to wake them up slowly.”
“Ugh!” Rainbow said. “Will you guys make up your minds?”
“Ladies, please,” I said as I approached. “I think I have a solution to all your problems.” I tell you, going on theoretical rants with madly brilliant aliens limbers up your mind so quickly.
“Now what the hay does that mean?” AJ asked. I grinned.
“TWILIGHT!!!” I shouted to the sky.
“Right behind you.” True to her word, the lavender unicorn trotted up beside me. “I see you came to the same conclusion I did.”
I nodded. “Now, I guess I’ll let you get to it. Right now, I have to rest my brain. You have no idea how hard interdimensional energy transmission theories are to keep track of.” Before anypony could question me, I raced back to the farm. As I jumped through the barn window and onto the hay, I fell asleep with a single thought:
How the fuck did Pinkie know about my past?



A/N
Hello everypony! Plasma here. I'm sorry it took me a full five days to write this out. School and all. Speaking of which, i actually have my physics and algebra teachers to thank for that rant above. Also, evil mean meanie pants author refuses to tell you how Andrew and this "Gold" are linked. but as i said earlier, all will be revealed in time.
Peace!
> Heat Season!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------




Chapter 12: Heat Season!

Everypony listen up! I know you’re all thinking, “Where’s the next episode?” Well, since I accidentally roped the CMC together before this, I must cut out episode. Instead, I give you…
Hell, and Benny Hill.
P.S. this was incredibly fun to write!
I woke up as usual. Cooking breakfast was, at that point, something I was amazing at. It turns out as long as the ponies knew it wasn’t real meat, they’d eat tofu. So, I set to work making enchiladas. What that has to do with tofu, I have no idea. I think I might have been spending a little too much time with the Doctor. He’s been teaching me, a mere human, to fly the TARDIS. So what if I messed up and accidentally landed us on a spaceship full of Daleks? I got to fly the freaking TARDIS!
I noticed something odd. Usually, AJ and the rest of the family would have come in by now. Granny Smith and Applebloom were seated at the table, but Big Mac and AJ were nowhere to be seen. I chalked it up to having an addiction to work, and guessed they were out in the orchards.
My mistake.
After making breakfast, I headed off towards town to make my usual rounds. The town was oddly deserted. No one was at the market, and even Sugarcube Corner had its lights off. There wasn’t a griffin or anything nearby, so the whole “stranger that looks weird might be evil” gig was out. There just wasn’t any explanation for it. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a certain rainbow-maned pegasus approach me.
“Rainbow,” I said curtly.
“Hello, sexy,” she said softly. Whoa, wait a minute!
“Excuse me?” I raised an eyebrow to emphasize. She had a strange look in her eyes; they were almost… hollow. 
“You heard me.” The mare suddenly put on a lustful grin. “Why don’t you and I head back to my place so we can make up?” Guys, I think Rainbow Dash wants to have sex with me. If only I actually liked her…
“Sorry, Rainbow, but I gotta dash!” I yelled, running as fast as I could to the town. She kept up beside me effortlessly.
“You know, you’re making this sooo much harder than it has to be,” she whispered. I suddenly felt hot breath on the back of my neck, sending shivers down my spine. Good lord. I knew that mare was uncontrollable, but this was not what I meant.
“Help!” I shouted. “I’m about to be raped by an Element of Harmony!” Dash giggled beside me.
“Oh, you know it doesn’t have to be rape,” she murmured in my ear. “Besides,” she traced a circle on my back with a hoof, “We both know I could catch you and force you back right now.”
“Ah, but there’s one thing you forgot about me, Colors.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m a motherbucking unicorn!” I shouted, and teleported to the center of town. Mistake number two of the day.
About a dozen mares froze when they saw me. Each one had the same hollow look in their eyes as Rainbow. There must be something in the water… not now, brain.
“A stallion!” one of them shouted.
“Get ‘em, girls!” Colgate yelled. Of all the times for toothpaste to betray me…
“Cue Benny Hill chase music… aaaaand… RUN!” I screamed, leaving everypony but the pegasi in the dust. 
Alright… Benny Hill: check. Nearly getting raped once: check. Huh, I still have to nearly get raped two more times for this to be an adequate chapter…
I ran straight into the library without my knowing. Spike was locked behind a door, staring at me with incredulous horror. At first I didn’t realize why.
Then the door slammed shut behind me.
Twilight was trotting down the stairs, her mane combed straight and her eyes blank. As she faced me, a smirk appeared on her lips.
“Well, look what handsome stallion decided to drop by,” she said, flicking her tail across my nose and giving me a generous view of her butt in the process. “You know, I just learned of a new way to make ponies happy. You wanna help me test it out?” she shook her rear in my face to make her point. I backed away very slowly.
“Look, Twi. As much as I’d love to have sex with you (which isn’t a lot, really), I think I heard somepony calling my name.” I ran to the door and tried to pull it open, but a purple aura locked it in place.
“Oh no you don’t, mister,” she said sternly. I smirked.
“Twi, there’s one problem with your trap. I assume you had the foresight to place a magic-dampening spell on this treehouse, and you locked the door, right?” she nodded, coming ever closer. “Well, I have something that can override both of those things.” A flash of light signaled the appearance of my Keyblade. “This is a Keyblade. It can unlock anything.” A look of comprehension dawned on her face too late. I tapped the doorknob and the locking mechanism clicked. I ran out of the door and jumped clear over a group of crazy mares.
“What is wrong with everypony?!” I yelled to no one. Out of nowhere, Danny appeared beside me.
“I don’t know!” he yelled back. “One minute I’m sleeping peacefully, the next Star and Cinder are trying to molest me!”
“Do you think it’s some kind of disease that only affects females?” I asked. He just shrugged.
“Hell if I know.”
We finally managed to make our way to the edge of the orchards. My theory was that if we could get to Applebloom, her levels of adorable and annoying would snap any mares out of their trances. 
Unfortunately, we were jumped before getting halfway through the trees. Something hard and cold slammed me over the head and I fell back, unconscious.

“Look, he’s waking up.”
“He looks so sexy when he’s asleep.”
My eyes shot open of their own accord as the anxiety filled me. My memories flashed back as a very good looking blond mare filled my view.
“Well, sugarcube, yer finally awake.”
“I can see that, AJ,” I snickered sarcastically. Now that I could move my head, I noticed the other ponies in the barn with me: Twilight, Rainbow, Pinkie and Rarity. Six trails of moist earth led from the barn door; one a dark red, four clear, and one a rainbow of colors. The darker trail led up to me. I tried to feel my forehead, but my front hooves were cuffed behind my back. I noticed Pinkie with another pair of cuffs and a gag in her hooves. Great, it’s Kinky Pie. The other trails led up to the mares watching me. Why are they...?
Aw, that’s just nasty.
I tried to use my magic to teleport, but a sharp pain echoed through my forehead. Twilight tutted.
“Nuh uh, Andrew,” she said smugly. “There’s a magic sealing ring on your horn. If you even try a levitation spell, it’ll hit you with a few hundred volts of electricity. But by all means, keep trying.” She licked her lips. “I like it when they struggle.”
The other mares closed in, eyes shining with lust and anticipation. Then I saw my opening. For just a second, AJ’s face flickered with doubt.
“Having second thoughts, AJ?” I asked. “Finally, somepony sees a little bit of sense. Twilight, you’re too weak to break free from your instincts. Rarity, I personally think you went with them of your own accord. Pinkie… wait a minute. You’re a year younger than all of them. If this is some instinct, then why are you affected?”
“What are you talking about?” Pinkie asked happily. “I thought we were playing ‘Cops and Robbers’ and I was the interrogator!” That explains it. An idea quickly formed in my head. If I could get Rainbow angry enough to make a mistake…
The white room formed in my head. Vael looked up at me, laughing his ass off.
“Hardy-har. Vael, how do you feel about pain?”
“I love pain!” he responded happily. “It’s the only emotion other than anger I can actually feel, so it doesn’t really bother me.” Alright, the term “happy” doesn’t describe him quite right. More of a sadistic grinning evil demon.
“Good, because in a second you’re about to feel a whole lot of it.” I transferred the pain receptors in my brain to Vael’s control and continued my talk with the girls.
“And Colors,” I said. “Well, your conscious mind probably isn't smart enough to realize that you even went through this.”
“What did you say?!” she snarled. I smirked.
“You heard me, sweet cheeks.” 
“Oh, I’m gonna enjoy you,” Rainbow said with a sadistic smile on her face. I focused all the magic I could into an unformed spell and released it. For a fraction of a second, I felt a stabbing pain, but then Vael took over and it went away. The way the ground lit up around me, I got the impression that the ring on my horn was glowing. Twilight sighed.
“Haven’t we gone over this?” she asked impatiently. “I’m getting tired of waiting for my fun.”
“Well, Twi, you’re just gonna have to wait a little longer,” I said. The ring exploded as it overloaded, sending an electrical shockwave pulsing out. It hit each of the girls square in the face.
“And that,” I said smugly, “Is my goodbye gift to you fiends.” No, I did not just call my friends fiends. I call their crazy possessed mindset fiends. Distinct difference, people.
I teleported to someplace I knew would keep me safe: Canterlot Castle. I mean, there are male guards literally freaking everywhere!
I trotted through the gates. Mistake number three. Strike, you’re out!
There were guards everywhere: on the tables, half stuck through walls, even in the water barrels. One of them groaned and inched his way towards me.
“R…run…” he whispered. “They’re… b-beasts.” Crap. I just forgot Celestia and Luna were females too, didn’t I? And to top it all off, the elder has this deep-set hatred for me.  Hopefully I could snap them out of it, but I didn’t have much time. I raced through the halls, avoiding the still safe guards. I nearly ran into Celestia a couple times, but unicorn horns have this weird built-in magic radar. I burst through one of the doors, hoping I’d find a safe room.
What was there instead was a bedroom. A silver crescent moon was embroidered on navy curtains. A midnight blue fire sparkled from the obsidian fireplace, and the walls were painted with stars. Luna’s bedroom, by the looks of things. And Luna was staring at me from her bed. Without a word, she tackled me to the blue woolen rug.
“No. I am not taking any of this shit from you, Lu.” I had already been nearly raped three times, so another wasn’t really on my agenda. So, I did the only thing a sensible male would do to a sex-crazed woman.
I slapped her across the face.
She blinked a few times before nervously getting off me. “Andrew?” she asked tentatively. “Where are we? I remember being with Tia in the throne room, then everything went all blurry. I remember feeling a lot of… pleasure…” she trailed off as she realized what happened. She squealed and jumped back, horrified.
“No worries, Luna. You didn’t get me.” She visibly relaxed.
“But why did I feel such uncouth emotions?” she asked, a blush rising on her face. I pointed out of the room.
“Well, there are thirty guards in the kitchen that might explain.” I grinned as she went maroon. “Again, no worries. I promise I won’t tell anypony.”
“Well, that’s a relief,” she sighed. “Why are you here, anyways?”
“I need a place to hide. Something’s wrong with all the mares in this crazy place.”
Luna looked at me for a second, then started laughing. “It… it’s Heat Season,” she choked out.
“Damn, I forgot. I’m so glad that someone decided to tell me.”
“That was sarcasm, wasn’t it?”
“Good observation.” I trotted around the room in agitation. “Anyway, I need a place to hide until this all blows over. Speaking of which, how long does Heat Season last?”
“Well, since Ponyville was finally on time with the weather this year, it sent the mares’ internal clocks wild. Nevertheless, it should be over by the day after tomorrow at the latest.”
Great. I have a day and a half to spend in a castle avoiding an oversexed princess, while at the same time managing to entertain myself. Or…
“See you later, Lu!” I shouted, running to the window. I teleported to a clearing a good four hundred miles into the Everfree Forest and gave Vael control.

So, a day and a half passes, I turn back into myself and return to Ponyville. The girls apologized profusely for injuring and nearly raping me, but I held up a hoof.
“I got one thing out of that that makes your apologies enough.” They stared at me, uncomprehending. “I have new material to torture Colors with.” I leaned in to whisper in Rainbow’s ear.
“You cum rainbows.”
She blushed furiously and started stuttering. I started laughing like mad at her reaction.
Ah, it’s good to be in Equestria.

> Fall Weather Friends
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------




Chapter 13: Fall Weather Friends

A/N
Hey, everypony! Plasma here. Before we start the story, I'd like to give  a big thank you to my little sister, and now co-author and editor, Sync. That is all.

I woke up to shouting. Lots of shouting.
You know, I’m starting to wonder why I even sleep. It seems like nearly every time I try, something bad happens. Oh well, I guess I had better settle this dispute between AJ and whatever pony was unfortunate enough to cross her path. I trotted out the door of the house, surprised at the change in color. All of the green apple trees had changed to mottles of rust, orange, gold and mahogany. Seriously? It was winter just two freaking weeks ago, and suddenly it’s autumn again? This world continues to amaze me.
AJ and Rainbow were yelling at each other from beside a horseshoes peg. Horses playing horseshoes? I see what you did there, universe. I approached calmly.
“Ladies, please,” I said. “I know I’m amazing, but there’s more than enough of me for the both of you.”
They both grinned and punched me.
“Alright, I guess I deserved that,” I said, getting up from the tree they smashed me through. I coughed up a little blood and continued. “Alright, what are you two fighting about this time?” That’s right. Andrew Gillen, median extraordinaire. 
“AJ thinks she’s the most athletic pony in Equestria, when it’s obviously me!” Rainbow exclaimed, puffing her chest out.
“Well, judging by the color of your house, I’d certainly agree,” I said, remembering the events of three days ago. Rainbow blushed. “Besides, I live with AJ, so I’m inclined to agree with her. We need somepony with absolutely no bias. How about… Twilight!”
“Fair enough,” Twilight said from behind me. I brohoofed Spike, who tossed me a juicy apple. I bit into it, waiting for AJ and Rainbow to start arguing again. 
“You know what?!” Rainbow yelled after ten minutes of pointless bickering. “Why don’t we have a contest to see who’s better?”
“Ah’m fine with that,” AJ said, lowering her Stetson. 
“Twilight, what have we gotten ourselves into?” I murmured from the corner of my mouth. She shook her head.
“Whatever it is, it most definitely isn’t good.”

The “Iron Pony Competition” was held about a day later. Fluttershy was going to be keeping score, while Spike, Twilight and I were judges. Spike was lazily flipping a bit in his hand while Twilight sat with rapt attention. Considering my not-so-much-existing attention span, I had taken to juggling apples with magic, throwing nine or ten of them around at a time. Twilight glanced over irritably.
“Don’t you guys have any attention span?” she asked. Spike and I shook our heads.
“Twilight, you’re talking to one of the most imaginative creatures in existence, with a talent for magic and a case of ADD so strong it might kill an ordinary person,” I deadpanned. She raised an eyebrow.
“Nopony has ADD that strong,” she said in an incredulous tone.
“Twilight, right now I’m envisioning four hundred and twenty seven romantic situations that could come out of this, two hundred and five of which result in one of our deaths, and only ninety seven of them involving the two of us. That’s how diverse my mind is.”
She gaped for a moment, then manually shut her mouth with her hoof and started shivering. Situation two hundred and nine, right there. But that wasn’t the point. The point was…
You know what? I don’t even know anymore.
“Alright, let’s get this started!” I shouted. “Pinkie, you’re up!” 
“Welcome, everypony, to the first annual Iron Pony Competition!” she said into a bullhorn.
“Uh, who’s she talking to?” Spike asked. I shrugged.
“Probably Marik. Whatever you do, do not accept a hug from that guy.” The two of them just stared at me for a second before sighing and turning away.
“Did I hear somepony say hugs?”
I whirled around, my Keyblade glimmering to life as I pressed the near-nonexistent tip towards the speaker’s throat. I’m serious. This guy scared the hell out of me. In front of the Keyblade was a snow-white pegasus with alternating lime and electric blue stripes in his mane. I relaxed slightly. He had a weird guitar case strapped to his back; it looked like it could carry both an acoustic and an electric at the same time.
“Jesus, man,” I muttered. He cocked his head.
“Who’s Jesus?” he asked. I waved off the question.
“Who are you, anyway?” I asked him.
“Name’s Spark. I’m a traveling musician. I noticed a blue box on the side of the road a few minutes ago and went inside. There was this pony going around and around in circles. I don’t think he ever noticed me. The box started shaking, and BOOM! I’m here.”
“Don’t worry. I think I can send you back to wherever you’re from.” I whistled as loud as I could. “PINKIEEEEEEE!” I screamed. She was there in a flash.
“Get the Doctor and his blue box, please.” She saluted and zoomed off, reappearing only moment later with an angry Doctor and a TARDIS.
“Andrew, what is the meaning of this?” he said hotly. I pointed to Spark.
“Take him back.” The Doctor raised an eyebrow.
“Take him back to his own dimension, or else I will turn the brakes off every time you land that box.” Not many people know this, but the TARDIS’ iconic sound is actually made by the Doctor leaving the brakes on. It does horrors to the transmission, too.
“Fine, fine,” the Doctor said irritably. He trotted over to the TARDIS and opened the doors, beckoning Spark inside. I waved him goodbye and returned my focus to the competition. They were already on the fourth event. Time really does fly when you’re yelling at an alien.
The events passed fairly quickly, with Rainbow winning over half of them. I did notice, however, that she used her wings to win them. 
“Judge!” I shouted when the games were over. “I call foul play!” everypony gasped.
“Rainbow Dash used her wings to win over half of those contests,” I continued.
“How is that foul play?” an angry Rainbow Dash asked from the air.
“Well, Colors, AJ here has no such amenity to help her. That gives you an unfair advantage.” Rainbow tried to think of flaws in my argument for a few seconds, but stopped after she appeared to get a headache.
“Now, I have a better idea to see who’s the best athlete,” Twilight said from my side. “Tomorrow is the annual Running of the Leaves. You two will race, on foot, to see who’s the winner.”
“And,” I added, “to make sure you don’t use your wings, I will temporarily remove them, Colors.” Rainbow gaped at me. Grumbling, she resigned herself to the inevitable. Alright, now let’s timelapse to the next day. I’m getting tired of all these contests.

It’s the next day!
AJ and Rainbow were stretching at the starting line when Twi and I approached. They stared at us for a few seconds, completely uncomprehending.
“Uh, what are you two doing here?” Rainbow asked.
“We’re here to race,” I said. “Oh, and this.” I zapped Rainbow’s wings with a flash of gold light, making them vanish. She didn’t notice, however, because she was too busy laughing at us.
“A race? You two? Bahahahahaha!” Rainbow barked a laugh.
“Ah gotta agree with Rainbow Dash here, sugarcubes,” AJ said from beside her. “Twi, yer not really the athletic type. And even though ya are well built, Andrew, yah just don’t got enough stamina to win a race this long.” I smirked.
“Oh yeah?” I asked. I’m gonna let my ego intercept this one. “I’ll bet you both thirty bits I’ll finish first!” I spit in my hoof, and AJ shook it.
“Yer on,” AJ said. I took my place at the starting line and tried to limber up the best I could. The Doctor popped up next to me.
“You’re racing too?” I asked. He nodded.
“There was a time back on Gallifrey when the Time Lord children used to do something similar. Of course, our leaves were much more beautiful than any they have here,” he explained. Time Lord culture. File that under important, brain.
“Welcome, everypony, to the annual Running of the Leaves!” The voice in the balloon seemed oddly familiar. A blue eye poked out.
“I’m Pinkie Pie, and I’ll be your Pie-in-the-sky announcer! And co-reporting with me is Spike the dragon!”
“Hello there, everypony!” Spike said from beside Pinkie. “Now, it’s time to start the Running of the Leaves. On your mark!”
“Get set!” Pinkie squealed.
“GO!” they both shouted. I began a light jog. Boring, right? Well, this was actually a secret plan. See, everypony will tire themselves out. Then, Twi and I sprint to the finish and win. Not much of a plan in terms of elaboration, but it would supposedly work well.
So Twilight and I trotted along at a brisk pace, keeping just behind the pony crowd so we could see the scenery. It was really quite breathtaking. Every now and then, I’d turn a tree’s leaves silver. Just a little gift for the Doctor. At about the halfway point, AJ and Rainbow Dash kept falling behind at intervals, blaming the other on clearly visible obstacles.
“AJ, look behind you,” I said irritably as she fell behind for the fourth time. “There’s a massive rock sitting right there, and you’re telling me you didn’t notice it?” she gritted her teeth.
“That cheater Rainbow must’ve put it in mah way,” she snarled.
“Calm down, Applejack,” Twilight said slowly. “Getting angry won’t help you at all.”
“Don’t tell me ta calm down, Twilight!” she yelled before dashing ahead. I rolled my eyes.
“Give a round of applause for the most stubborn pony in Equestria,” I said sarcastically. Twilight giggled and returned to the race. Nature is a beautiful thing, is it not? Especially when you can view it on your TV instead of taking a walk.
AJ and Rainbow fell behind again and again, only to get back up again and run. Eventually, they started cheating; flipping signs, knocking each other over, things like that. It got to the point where they didn’t even realize they were in last place. Finally, I saw my chance. Once everypony else was gasping for air, I dashed ahead as fast as I could. Twilight and I overtook all of them, though she was lagging considerably. We crossed the finish line to an explosion of cheers. Somepony put an olive branch crown on my head. Hail Caesar! I reclined against a fence and waited for all the other racers. After maybe fifteen minutes AJ and Rainbow rolled to the finish.
“Ha!” Rainbow cheered. “I won!”
“No, ah won,” AJ retorted.
“Well, technically you both lost,” I said as Twilight and I trotted over.
“What?” they asked simultaneously. I showed them my crown, as well as Twilight’s silver medal.
“First and second place, baby,” I said, smirking. My expression softened slightly when I saw their distraught faces. “Hey. You’re both great athletes. Sometimes, it just makes you headstrong and overcompetitive. Learn to control your impulsivity and you’ll be just fine.”
“As much as I dislike Andrew, I must agree with him on this case,” a soft voice said behind me. Princess Celestia was standing tall, her mane flowing in an unfelt breeze. Everypony but me dropped to their knees. Celestia raised an eyebrow.
“No,” I said. “Three things, Celly. One: I’m not a citizen of your kingdom, and therefore not one of your subjects. Two: To be brutally honest, I have to say I respect Luna more than you. Three: there is no way in hell I’m bowing to you after you almost raped me three days ago.” Everypony gasped.
“Well, I can’t argue with points one and three, but why do you respect Luna more than I?”
“Simple. She’s been way nicer to me, and with the magic you used to make her grow to her normal size, she is definitely hotter than you.” At this, both AJ and Celestia bristled in protest. I smirked. “Ladies, calm down. Like I said before, there’s more than enough of me to go around.” Some of the ponies in the background swooned, but my main focus was the pair of nicely toned orange legs heading straight for my chest.
“Alright, I deserved that one too,” I groaned, picking myself up from the smoking trail of dirt AJ sent me into. There was a burst of pain in my lower chest area, and blood blossomed on my fur.
“Although I don’t think I deserved a broken rib.” I trotted back over to the group, trying to ignore the agony my body was sending my brain. Celestia touched her horn to the damaged area, and the bone knitted back together.
“Alright, Celestia is now even in my book,” I said. “Now, I believe I’ll head back to the farm before I sustain any more unnecessary injuries this week.” And cue the teleport. Have I ever told you guys just how much I LOVE magic?
After doing a few quick chores, one of which involving tying the CMC together with chains and a lock and throwing away the key, I tried to sleep. Dozing off, I thought about just how much I’d been injured since I got here. Let’s see… I died at least once, got a concussion or two, and many broken ribs. That about does it. After that painful reminiscence, I fell asleep.

I woke up to the sound of crying. It was a familiar voice, but I couldn’t tell who. I opened the barn to and was faced with a sobbing Pinkie Pie walking down the road. I closed in on her quickly. Her mane and tail were hanging flat, like somepony had squeezed the life out of them.
“Pinkie, what’s wrong?” I asked. She looked up at me with teary eyes.
“Oh… hi, Andy.” She sounded like she was holding back full-on wails. “It’s nothing.”
“Nothing my ass. Come on, let’s get you inside. It’s too cold out here for you to be walking around.” I led her up to the house and quietly opened the door. Once we were both inside, I settled her on the hearthrug and made us some hot chocolate. She sipped at it gratefully.
“Pinkie, what’s wrong? I’ve never seen you like this.”
“Well,” she began, “I was having some really good dreams, where me and you and all of our friends were playing together. Then, the dream changed. It was a really… a really horrible nightmare. I woke up shivering and shaking, and I couldn’t get my mind off the dream.” She tried to continue, but broke down into more sobs. I gently patted her on the head.
“Pinkie, do you want me to see it, so you don’t have to explain?” I asked. She nodded a bit, her mane swishing in the air. I charged up a spell and touched my horn to Pinkie’s forehead.

Ugh, where am I?
I opened my eyes to a brightly lit Sugarcube Corner. Oh, this must be Pinkie’s dream. But why Sugarcube Corner…?
A grounded rainbow caught my attention. Oh, Rainbow must be in this, too. Pinkie walked out the door of the sweet shop and started talking to her. She handed Dash a rainbow colored cupcake. The pegasus bit into it cheerfully. She started to talk again, but fell over, unconscious. The background fell blank for a minute, then reappeared.
They were in a room filled with sadistic torture stuffs and disturbing trinkets: a necklace strung up with unicorn horns, a stretching table, the heads of victims mounted on plaques. If I hadn’t had a long and eventful past (still not getting anything out of me), I wouldn’t either passed out or vomited on the spot. Pinkie was illuminated in one corner, twirling a knife expertly in one hoof. She then proceeded to slowly cut Rainbow Dash to slivers; no anesthesia involved. I could see Dash screaming in pain, but for some reason, I couldn’t hear her agony. I suppose Pinkie edited that part out, to keep what semblance of sanity she has left.
Soon Rainbow’s body was covered in blood, with dozens of cuts, a missing cutie mark, hacked-off wings, and several broken bones. She had passed out twice due to sheer nerve overload, and she looked like she was approaching a third. Poor Dash. I didn’t like her as much as my other friends, but nopony deserves this brutality. What did Pinks do to dream this grotesque universe up?

Then the dream abruptly ended. I returned to reality with a sort of tunnel vision effect. Pinkie was on the ground in front of me, shivering, her eyes pinpricks as a tormented expression covered her face. I pulled her into a tight hug, ignoring the hot stream of tears.
“Shhh. It’ll be alright, Pinks,” I cooed. She dug her face into my shoulder, sobbing harder than before. We sat there for a while, me comforting a friend in a time of grief. Just like back at home. At some point, AJ came down and checked on us. I told her what happened. She gave Pinkie a look of sympathy, then trotted out the door for unknown reasons. Several minutes later, she came back with Rainbow. Pinkie wouldn’t meet her eyes, but I turned her head in the pegasus’ general direction. Dash immediately embraced her in a bear hug, and Pinkie cried anew. 
After another short while, Pinkie stopped crying. I smiled.
“Pinkie, how about this? Tomorrow, we’ll plan the biggest, bestest, super-duper awesomest party in all of Equestria. That’ll cheer you up.” Pinkie got a huge smile on her face, and the mood changed with a nearly-audible bang as her mane and tail puffed up again. She tackled the three of us to the ground, giving me the most painful, heartfelt hug of my life. I smiled and laughed as she jumped around repeatedly, saying how fun it’d be.
Dash offered to fly Pinkie home. When they were both out the door, AJ trotted up and nuzzled my cheek. “You might be the sweetest stallion ah’ve ever met,” she said softly. I chuckled.
“That compliment is definitely new,” I said. “But, I appreciate it nonetheless.” I gave her a soft kiss on the cheek before teleporting up to the little area I’d claimed on the roof of the barn. With the news of Pinkie’s party gradually fading in my mind, I drifted off to sleep again.

A/N

Hey, everypony! Sync here. I’m Plasma’s little sis, editor, and co-author. The only reason I’m writing this author’s note is because there’s been an idea for an OCxRD or OCxPinkie floating around in my head for days now. Since Plasma just introduced Spark, I was wondering if you guys wanted a story based on his adventures in Equestria. That’s all folks, and see you next time on: The Everlasting Hope!

> Suited For Success
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------




Chapter 14: Suited for Success

I trotted through Ponyville, making my usual rounds (if you can’t remember, it’s whatever the Apples need and twenty gallons of lemonade). Ponies all around waved and greeted me happily, and I returned their hellos. I think I’m starting to get soft. I need a Trigun reference soon or I’m going to die. And I thought I knew just where I could find one. 
I spotted Rarity working hard on some new dress in the Carousel Boutique. I trotted in, stopping the familiar bell ring with a little magic. Hey, she’s in “the zone”. The last time I interrupted “the zone” I was nearly impaled by two dozen sewing needles. Luckily, she already had two visitors distracting the crap out of her.
“Hola, mi amigos,” I said in what I hoped was a Spanish accent. Everypony looked over at me, confused.
“What in the hay does that mean?” AJ asked me. I shrugged.
“Something to do with ‘Hello’ and ‘friends’, I think. Never was good at foreign language.” I looked up, hearing the faint whistle of a pegasus falling. “Rainbow Crash in three… two… one…” on cue, our favorite rainbow-maned pegasus crashed through the ceiling and embedded her head in the floor. “And, here she is, right on schedule. I should be a director or something.”
“Ha, ha, very funny,” Rainbow hissed, pulling her head out of the floor. Rarity got that gleam in her eye that signaled something out of measurement hell.
“IDEEEEA!” she crowed. “I’ll make you all outfits for the Gala!”
“But Andrew isn’t going to the Gala, Rarity,” Twilight said. “Celestia didn’t give him a ticket.”
“Yeah. I’ll be staying on the farm, taking a good old nap, while you guys are off at Canterlot.” AJ gave me a sympathetic look. “Oh, I still want an outfit, though. I’ll run you by the details in a few minutes, Rarity. Right now, I have a bad feeling about Sweetie Belle’s room.” Before anypony could answer, I raced upstairs. I knocked on the door and opened.
“The room’s on fire!” Sweetie and Applebloom yelled to me. No freaking way. I never would have noticed if you didn’t point it out.
Not now, brain. Save the sarcasm for when you’re not saving lives.
The room was indeed in flames. Though no smoke rose, blue-green fire danced across the furniture. I sighed and crossed the room, putting out fires wherever I went. Eventually, the room was clear. Sweetie Belle came up to me with tears in her eyes. She hugged me tight, like a toy that a kid refused to let go of.
“It’ll be alright, Sweetie Belle,” I cooed, stroking her mane. “Don’t worry, I can fix all of it.”
“But… how?” she asked sadly. I grinned and winked.
“Magic.” I envisioned the room as it once was, with a few personal touches; an eighth note on the headboard, a treble clef painted into the wall, and a few other music-related things. I tried using my magic, and the entire room was engulfed in white light. When it cleared, everything was as it was in my head. I even put an ice-cream sundae maker in a corner. Sweetie Belle hugged me again. After a minute, I shrugged it off, and stared at Scootaloo.
“You were playing with Spike’s dragon fire again, weren’t you?” I deadpanned. She nodded sheepishly. “Scootaloo, how many times have I told you not to bottle up dragon fire and use it in people’s houses?”
“Um… once?” she said innocently. I facehoofed. 
“Just don’t do it again. If you do, I’ll make sure Cheerilee has your head on a silver platter.” Scoots shivered a little, and that’s when I knew I had her. The filly only answers to three people: me, Cheerilee, and Rainbow. Get one of us on her case, and she talks like Pinkie Pie on a sugar high (hey, that rhymed!).
“Alright. Nopony’s injured?” I asked. They shook their heads. “Good. I have an outfit to rock.”
I trotted back down the stairs. Rarity was scrutinizing a few measurements. I noticed the tape next to her.
“Rarity,” I said. She began to approach me with the tape held aloft. “If you go anywhere near me with that tape, I’m lighting this place.” I kindled a small flame on the tip of my horn to emphasize. Rarity looked at me with exasperation. “Hey, if you’re that desperate, use the measures you took from me last time.”
“Oh, but you’ve developed so much more muscle since then!” she exclaimed. “Please?”
Damn you Bambi eyes. I’m starting to see why Maximum Ride fears Nudge so much. “Fine. But no more measurements than necessary, got it?” she nodded eagerly. I sighed. That annoyingly funny white room formed in my mind’s eye.
“These ponies will be the death of us both, Andy,” Vael said. I sighed.
“Long time no see, demon boy. And if you call me Andy again, I will rip out your shadowy intestines and force feed them to you through a straw. Got it?”
“Killjoy.”
“Shit pile.”
After trading a few more choice insults with my emotion-bonded demon, I returned to reality to find Rarity studying me with fervor.
“What would you like, Andrew?” she asked. “Something simple? Something abstract?”
“I don’t care, as long as you make me look damn awesome.” She cocked her head, apparently thinking. Then, without so much as a warning glance, she jumped and shrieked, zipping towards her studio.
Well. I guess she got her idea.
I went through Ponyville, kind of upset that I didn’t get my Trigun reference. And that’s when I spotted it.
It was beautiful. It was awesome. And it was an exact, to the molecule, replica of Vash the Stampede’s revolver. I quickly bought it off the Doctor.
Wait. The Doctor.
“So let me get this straight.” I was equally surprised, jealous, and pissed. “You got to meet Vash the freaking Stampede and you didn’t even take me?” he nodded. “I hate you so much.”
Well, he didn’t take it into further detail, so I just bought a black synthetic holster for it and went on my way. Did you know cows were sentient in this world? No leather.
That brought me to another problem. On this world, I didn’t have fingers. How the hell was I going to hold a gun, much less shoot it? That led me to yet another problem. Do these ponies even know what guns are? Hell, do they even know what violence is? Wait a moment, how exactly is that a problem?
Damn, I’m rambling on again. Sorry.
So, about a day passed. I learned that ponies had speed skating rinks, so the girls, Danny, Starlight and I headed on down there to try. There was so much blood.

I headed back to Rarity’s the next day. Hey, I can’t say I don’t trust her ability to work fast. The other girls were already there.
“Aren’t they all wonderful!” Rarity exclaimed in a proud voice. I opened the door and…
Well, let’s just say this: jaw, meet floor. Floor, meet jaw. Here’s a ball. Play nice.
Seriously, those dresses were incredible. You could distinctly tell which one was for whom; twilight’s had stars, AJ was spruced up with a new Stetson, etc. I imagined just how much Rarity worked for those, but none of the girls seemed to be applauding.
“It’s just not what we were expecting,” Twilight explained sheepishly. I raised an eyebrow.
“Really? ‘Cause these look freaking awesome.” 
Twilight shrugged. “whatever you say.”
“No!” Rarity shouted, startling us all. “I mean… I want you all to be happy with your dresses. You can’t simply like them, no! you must love them!” Rarity, the thing about these ponies… they’re insane. Making them love their dresses is making them look horrid. No offense to my friends here. 
“Thanks for this, Rarity,” Twilight said as she and the others exited the shop. Rarity raised an eyebrow.
“Hey, I don’t have any specifications, other than making me look totally badass.” She nodded and took me to a different room, where only one outfit was displayed on a masculine-looking mannequin. 
Again, the jaw and floor meet.
It was incredible. A black denim jacket was tucked over a white undershirt, with a loose tie hanging around the neck. There was a pair of sunglasses on the head, and a massive silver cross was strapped to the back. 
(The author would like to make an announcement. This cross is in no way a Jesus reference, as the author does not want to be religiously classified. It’s just pure awesome.)
I’m serious. I nearly fainted from the sheer awesomeness of it.
“Do you like it?” Rarity asked nervously. To answer her question, I jumped up and kissed her forehead.
“Rarity… you are freaking incredible,” I choked out through my laughs of awesome-induced drunkenness. “Seriously, if I wasn’t already in love, I could kiss you right now.”
“Well, you are a friend, and my friends deserve the best of the best!” Rarity twittered.
“Alright, since you’re obviously busy, I will continue to go about Ponyville in a manner that not only exclaims ‘I feel like a badass’, but I will manage it without ruining this beautiful piece of art.” Fate decided to catch wind of my words.
Fortunately, I kicked its immortal ass before it had a chance to make sure stuff went wrong. So I put on my new outfit, paid Rarity for said outfit, and stepped out into the sunlight.
Blade the Vampire Hunter, eat your heart out.

(Hello. It’s me, Daniel. The next couple days were rather boring, so the author will now skip them. Enjoy!)
On the third day since I got my outfit, I strode through town, making my runs. I was extremely glad Pinkie and the Cakes had stocked up on lemonade, because that was pretty much the only thing that woke me up at that point. I walked into Rarity’s boutique, ready to see the finished dresses again.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” I screamed, scrubbing at my eyes. It burned! Oh, God, it burned!
“I take it you don’t like them?” Rarity asked miserably. I looked to her instead of the dresses, feeling the tears slowly stop.
“That is a crime against fashion!” I almost shouted. Rarity suddenly collapsed, bawling on the ground.
“Oh, I know!” she cried. “They’re terrible! Applejack wanted something so farmworthy it looks like a nightmare. Twilight’s has too much to do with stars, Pinkie’s is too celebratory, and Rainbow Dash would look like a barbarian in hers. And Fluttershy –oh, Celestia, it’s horrible!” she cried even harder. I trotted over to comfort her, but at that moment, five mares walked through the doors. Rarity immediately sat up, stopping the tear flow like a faucet.
“Oh, hello, girls!” she said cheerily. It kind of scares me how she can switch emotions at will. It’s like she’s so bipolar, it’s hard to tell that she’s bipolar.
Wait, that didn’t make any sense.
“Well ah’ll be,” AJ exclaimed.
“It’s exactly what I wanted!” everyone said happily. I felt a pit sink into my stomach. So it’s official. Rarity is the only one with any sense of fashion in the pony universe.
“Rarity!” Spike shouted from the window. He was holding a rather expensive looking letter. “You know that big fashion hotshot, Hoity Toity?” 
“You mean the greatest-fashion-critique-ever-to-live Hoity Toity?” Rarity asked, excitement creeping into her voice.
“Yeah, him! Well, it turns out he’s visiting Ponyville to visit his daughter, and he’s stopping by to see your fashion show!”
Shit.
Rarity’s eyes widened. I quickly scooped her up and dragged her outside. “Come on Rarity, we have a stage to set up.”

It took me a full half hour to calm down Rarity after Spike delivered the message. She moped around, miserably setting up equipment. Poor her. It must be hard, having all of your dreams crushed by your friends. Wow, that made me sound like a dick.
“Hoity Toity is here!” a prissy voice said. If I weren’t so concerned about Rarity, I’d punch that guy for being male. Seriously, he sounded like Justin Beiber on estrogen.
“Alright, maybe this won’t go so bad,” I muttered to myself.
Oh, how wrong I was.
The girls came out together. Stifled gasps came from the crowd that had gathered. Somewhere, a foal started crying. I had to stifle my own moans of pain. The girls looked around proudly, until Hoity Toity started talking.
“Oh, look at these foul dresses. They’re horrible!” he said condescendingly. The crowd began to agree with him and boo the girls. AJ looked around nervously.
“Girls… ah think we overdid it.” She rubbed the back of her head with a hoof. I could hear Vael laughing his ass off inside my head. The nerve.
Rarity herself was in hysterics. The second the show ended, she locked herself in her room and refused to come out.
“Dammit, Rarity!” I shouted. “Open up!”
“NO!” she wailed. “I want to stay in here for the rest of my life. I’ll never leave again!”
“Alright, then you won’t mind if I torch your boutique.” A pause.
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“Oh?” I asked innocently. I summoned a burst of flame at the tip of my horn, making sure the crackle was audible. “Watch me.”
Rarity shoved the door open, knocking me out of the way in the process. She began frantically checking her merchandise for burn marks.
“What happened to my Gala dress?!” she squeaked. 
“Hell if I know,” I muttered. I rubbed my head and got up. Trotting out the door, I found out where the dress had gone.
“Uh, I think I just found your dress, Rare.” Rarity raced outside to see the most incredible dress I’d ever seen. The other girls were looking at her, sheepish smiles on their faces.
“Nice save,” I muttered to Twilight. She nodded doubtfully.
Oh, it’s gorgeous!” Rarity exclaimed. “But however did you make it?”
“Well, it was a combined effort,” Twilight started.
“Along with Fluttershy’s freaky knowledge of sewin’,” AJ interjected. Fluttershy blushed and stepped back.
“Well, it’s right damn impressive, if I do say so myself,” I said. 
“Oh, dears, you shouldn’t have. It’s positively beautiful!” Rarity cheered.
“Now what say you girls we show that prick Hoity Toity who the best designer in Equestria is?” I asked, grinning like a madman. The girls cheered. Welcome to handsome, Mr. Toity. Welcome to handsome.

“Alright,” Hoity growled impatiently, “When is this going to be over? I have places to be.”
Rarity’s voice rippled over the stage. “Welcome, fillies and gentlecolts, to Rarity’s newly improved fashion line!” Twilight started the procession. With her blue dress embroidered in stars, the newly formed crowd was rendered awestruck. 
Applejack was next, followed by Fluttershy. The two had their own distinctions, but may I just say…
Damn, AJ looks hot in that dress. It was mainly just a saddle with a sort of skirt, an apple brooch, and the new had, but something about it just caught my eye. Fluttershy’s looked much better as well. At least she didn’t keep the bird’s nest hat.
The crowd “ooh’ed” and “aah’ed” when Pinkie came out in her dress. It was –that the lord– better than the one covered with streamers and candy. The background montage shifted to cover Rainbow’s dress. Hers was the one that looked the most formal, especially with the gold olive branch Rarity had crowned her with. It complemented her rainbow mane considerably, and the crowd was absolutely infatuated. 
Alright, it’s showtime, I thought. I grinned and slid my glasses down over my eyes, walking onto the strip with the air of confidence only a vampire hunter could give off. The crowd gasped as I appeared. Many of the mares dropped to the ground. My grin grew wider. I strutted up the runway before finally giving one last bow and returning to the shop. Then the spotlight hit Rarity.
she had burned off any traces of nervousness, and was flaunting her beauty with the grace of a model. Hoity decided it was now to explode into cheers. “Bravo! Magnificent!” he shouted. “Oh, I want a dozen of each of these, as fast as you can make them!”
I escaped to the barn to avoid the hundreds of swooning mares that wanted my blood. It was actually late in the evening, considering the fact that the fashion show had only taken about ten minutes. The other odd part that I had trouble adjusting to with this new season was the fact that the sun never had any gradual descent –it just stayed in the sky until about nine in the evening, where it would suddenly drop to be replaced by the moon. I shut the light out, however, and fell asleep leaning on my cross.

A/N

I'm back!
Oh God, I'm sorry for making you guys wait so long. after three weeks, i finally regained use of my left hand, but the creative juices just weren't flowing, so I got lazy and put the story off for about a month. I finally got my big inspirational break about a day ago, but don't criticize if it's worse than before; I am most likely very rusty in my writing. Also, I'd like to reiterate that the cross is not a Jesus reference. Because some people just don't listen the first time.
> Feeling Pinkie Keen
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------




Chapter 15: Feeling Pinkie Keen



I woke up with the mother of all headaches. Vael and I had been playing life-sized chess for about six hours straight after I fell asleep. The best part was that I got to actually punch and kick the other pieces like they were real people. It helps, having an ethereal demon creature living inside your head. It really releases the stress.

Eventually, though, it was time for me to wake up. Little did I know, beating the crap out of huge plastic blobs while you’re asleep does not count as actual sleep, and thus I got about an hour and a half of real sleep time on me. I groaned and rolled off the roof, using my back and legs to twist around and land on my hooves. As I knocked the bleariness from my eyes, I trotted over to the Wolves’ encampment. Danny and Nightstar were keeping watch this time. I had to hand it to Danny, he was teaching little Night well. I could barely even see him until they padded towards me.

“Hi, uncle!” Night said excitedly. 

“Hey, Night,” I replied, ruffling his fur. He grinned.

“Uncle, Daniel’s been teaching me all about being a great hunter!” he exclaimed. “I even caught today’s breakfast!” he gestured to a line of rabbits laying out along the fireside.

“You helped,” Danny said affectionately. “In all fairness, you did catch half, though.”

“Wow,” I said. This kid had incredible potential. If Brenner was smart, he’d choose Night as his successor after he retires. If semi-corporeal spirits of Hope even age.

“Good job, Night. I’ve noticed you’re getting better at sneaking around. Using the shadows to hide with your dark fur –very impressive. Give it a few more months, and you’ll be the youngest member of the squad.” Night was glowing with pride and delight.

Before I continue, let me explain. The Element of Hope keeps constantly forming new wolves. There’s some kind of unstable magic variable that could possibly kill us all mixed in there, but whatever. So whenever a Wolf gets to the point where they’re tired of protecting the Element and its bearer, they’re just absorbed back into Hope and a new Wolf takes their place. The best part of it is, all of the sentient consciousnesses that are absorbed retain their mind and will, so I don’t have to feel guilty about “killing” my allies.

“Alright, then. Night, you’re with me today. Danny, sit down and sleep, for Christ’s sake. You’ve been up for three freaking days, and I can’t have my left-hand man tired as a sloth. Tell everywolf to wake up and eat while I head back to the Acres.” Danny nodded and returned to the camp, while Night jumped on my shoulder. I trotted back to the farmhouse and began cooking breakfast with Applebloom. She and Night chatted aimlessly for about a half-hour as the three of us set everything up. I noticed that Applebloom would stare at him for a moment or two longer than was necessary every once in a while. It seemed strange, but I chalked it up to my imagination. I made my average rounds after breakfast, stopping to get about twice the amount of lemonade as usual. That was when my Common Sense told me there was something about to fall above my head.

“Twitchy tail!” Pinkie screamed from nearby. I dove to the side as a piano nearly brained me.

“Derpy, watch it!” I shouted. Derpy, who was hovering sheepishly above me, gave an apologetic half-glance. I heaved a sigh and found the great Pink.

“Pinkie, how did you know that was going to fall?” I asked.

“My Pinkie Sense, of course,” she responded cheerfully.

“What exactly does this ‘Pinkie Sense’ do?” I asked curiously.

“Well, when different parts of my body move in different ways, it means things are about to happen. For example, when my tail twitches, it means something is about to fall.”

“Oh, so you mean like my Common Sense,” I remarked. Twilight walked up, looking at me oddly.

“What’s so special about common sense?” she asked. I chuckled.

“Come on, Twilight. All three of us know that common sense is so rare it’s a superpower. I have numerous examples: Jackass, Project X, the future production of Star Wars: Episode VII by Disney…” I trailed off as Pinkie groaned.

“Disney’s screwing with another good series?” she asked hopelessly. I nodded.

“Damn executives,” I sighed. Twilight looked at me oddly.

“Human thing.” I waved off her stares and returned to the main focus: Pinkie. Her tail suddenly twitched again, and my Common Sense detected several large, painful objects. We dove in opposite directions to avoid the death by falling evil, while Twilight just gave us an idiotic look.

“Oh, come on, that doesn’t even make se-” she was cut off as an anvil shattered on her head.

“Dammit, Derpy!” I screamed, looking up at the wall-eyed pegasus. She gave another apologetic smile and hurriedly flew away. “Twilight, you need to learn that in this world, nothing makes sense.”

“That’s where you’re wrong; there is a scientific explanation for everything,” said Twilight, nursing a large welt that split her mane. “Pinkie Pie’s powers must come from some magical source. Or, maybe they’re an inherited trait from the generations of Pies. Or…” she trailed off as another mental train went away from the station, so to say. I had to knock her over the head to get her out of her twisted, bookish mindscape.

“Explain to me how the fuck magic makes sense in the first place? Oh, and how did we temporarily create life? Or maybe I should ask how ponies can grab things when they don’t have fingers?”

Twilight looked stumped. “See?!” I almost shouted. “Nothing makes any freaking sense in this world!”

“Well at least I’m trying to make it so!” Twilight yelled at me, her eyes flashing. I smirked.

“Oh, how the knowledgeable have fallen, resorting to lame excuses,” I said smartly. Twilight’s eyes widened, before shrinking and becoming angrier than ever.

“Now I totally forgot the argument I was going to give you!” she screamed, drawing attention from several of the mares perusing the marketplace. Her mane and tail began to smoke as a fire lit in her eyes.

“Pinkie, let’s get out of here!” I shouted, just before Twilight shot a blast of fire at me. Pinkie grasped my hoof and dragged me through the void between dimensions, inspecting other rifts carefully. After about a minute, she dived through one, and we popped up in Sugarcube Corner. I immediately began to barricade the door with non-flammable items.

“Pinkie, help me out here!” I said rapidly. “You know how Twilight gets when she doesn’t understand something!” Pinkie nodded and ripped the entire front counter off the floor. As I barricaded the door with it, I cast a shield spell against the doors and windows, hopefully fending off any magical attacks.

Not two minutes after we closed the doors, a tumultuous crash emanated from the doors. “Pinkie!” Twilight shouted. “Come out here! I only want to run some tests on you!”

“She’s lying, Pinkie!” I injected. “She really wants to dissect your brain and use it for her evil magic!”

“Uh, Andrew?” Pinkie asked. “You’re a unicorn. You can use magic, too.”

“That’s beside the point!” I shouted as Twilight once again pushed against the doors. One last strong push later, and Twilight burst into the room, a manic gleam in her eyes.

“Pinkie…” I said, very shakily. “Back away slowly. Do not make any sudden movements, and do not scream. Scream, and you’re dead.”

Pinkie screamed.

Twilight burst into action, seizing Pinkie while simultaneously casting a paralysis spell on me. I was surprised at her action; Twilight usually wasn’t so… aggressive when it came to her experiments. I could only guess that it had to do with Pinkie’s abilities. Normally, divination and scrying were some of the hardest magic spells even adept unicorns could cast. The fact that Pinkie could do it by instinct probably left Twilight feeling endless combinations of anger, curiosity and jealousy. I disabled the spell with a quick flash of magic and leapt to Pinkie’s defense. I summoned Oathkeeper and slashed at the air, creating a golden barrier that separated Twilight and Pinkie. I cautiously lowered the blade.

“Twilight, calm down,” I said gently. “You’re going batshit insane right now.”

“NO!” she roared, startling us. “I WILL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!”

“Twilight.” Twilight quickly turned for the source of the voice. Brenner, Daniel, and Starlight were staring at her, eyes glittering with pride. “You will set her down. Now.”

“And if I don’t?” God dammit, Twi. You just had to let your curiosity consume you, didn’t you?

“If you do not, we will not hesitate to tear out your eyes, slit your ass in two, shove your eyes up your ass, and watch them slowly dissolve in stomach acid through the web of intestines we see when we rip your abdomen open with only our teeth,” Danny stated calmly. That shut Twilight up. She glanced back and forth between Brenner and Pinkie. Sweat broke out on her forehead, and the mad gleam slowly faded from her eyes. With a sharp gasp, she let Pinkie down.

“Oh my Celestia!” she squealed, hugging Pinkie. “I’m so sorry! I was really curious, and then I kind of…”

“Went overboard and tried to kill us?” I supplied. Twilight wilted in front of us, and a small pang of guilt stabbed through me.

“Okay, even I’ll admit that was a bit harsh,” I said apologetically. She flashed me a sad, yet grateful smile, and returned to hugging Pinkie with the force of a small bear.

“Alright, now that’s over with, what next?” I asked.

“Um… if it’d be okay with you, Pinkie… I’d still like to run a few tests,” Twilight babbled. Very bipolar today, she is. 

“Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie said Cheerilee (heh, see what I did there?). The three of us trotted back to the tree-brary, with Twilight using a combination of apologies and excited muttering to get her point across. As we entered, Spike stuck his head around the corner.

“Uh… is Twilight okay?” he asked awkwardly. “She kind of burst into flames and ran after you screaming bloody murder.”

“Don’t freak, little dragon thing,” I said. My smartass-o-meter was still a bit on the high end from the verbal ass-handing I’d given Twilight and the adrenaline slowly fading from my veins. With this information in mind, it wasn’t really a surprise when he glared at me with the force of a thousand burning demons from the deepest planes of fiery hell. “I’m kidding, Spike. Twi is fine. She just had a selfish moment because of Pinkie’s impossible abilities. Where is she, anyway?” Twilight had disappeared, as had Pinkie.

“No idea. I think I saw her going down to the basement, but that’s where she keeps all of her lab equipment. Why would they be down there?”
“Don’t worry about it,” I said. I looked around. “Speaking of which, why don’t we get this place cleaned up? It looks like the inside of an oven.”
Spike sweatdropped. “Yeah, it does.”

I was almost done with my newest book when Spike started to get worried.

You see, Twilight and Pinkie hadn’t some out of the basement in several hours, and given what kind of industrial machinery Twilight has down there, I was a little nervous too. In the end, Spike and I decided to take a quick peek.

Of course, the moment I get to the door, it slams me in the face.

Twilight walked out, looking confused. “What did I just hit?” she asked. Like she didn’t already freaking know.

“Uh, that was Andrew,” Spike began. He smiled sheepishly as I unpeeled from the wall and returned to being three-dimensional. Ouch. You guys don’t know just how painful being stuck to a wall can be, can you? It hurts.
A lot.

“Did you guys plan this?!” Twi shouted. I must have forgotten to drink my lemonade that day, because all I grumbled about was Twilight not apologizing.

Okay, at least three painful things had already happened, so I was sure nothing else could go wrong. I was actually right for once, you know. I successfully followed a fuming Twilight out of the door, all the way through town and into Sugarcube Corner without anything bad happening. I lasted a whole six hours, which was pretty good in my book.

Twilight, on the other hand, got so angry I could have sworn I saw her hair smoke a few times. Flaming unicorns; great. It was around four or five in the afternoon (because apparently this chapter is already at 2500 words) when Pinkie finally chewed Twilight out. Well, I say chewed out. Pinkie can’t really do that seriously, so that’s what I’m going with. 

All of a sudden, Pinkie began to twitch. The infamous Pinkie Sense came to a blisteringly intense peak when her whole body began to spasm like an epileptic on an acid trip. 

“It’s- it’s-” Pinkie tried to spit out. Every time she jumped, she would bite her tongue, making it effectively impossible to talk.

“Out with it, woman! What’s out there?!” I shouted.

“It’s… a doozy!” she yelled back, quieting the rest of us.

“A doozy?” I asked. she nodded. “That’s it? A doozy? Please, I can handle fifty doozies with a single nonexistent hand. While the other one’s tied behind my back. On fire. In a volcano. With acid lava. And crying babies. On the Sun.” 

Getting a little on the sadistic side, but it works,” Danny barked from behind me. Twi and I (hehe, another rhyme) whipped around, while Pinkie bounced around Danny, still occasionally spazzing out.

“Hold on, you’re calling me sadistic?!” I said. “This is coming from the guy, who not a few hours ago, decided that he was going to make a horror movie from dissecting Twilight and dissolving her with her own acid. Hypocrisy, bro.”

“I’m a hypocrite, and I’m proud!” he shouted, striking a pose. I snorted as Pinkie began bouncing off.

“Come on, guys! The doozy’s this way!” she gleefully said. I sighed and tried to pinch the bridge of my muzzle.
“She deliberately goes towards danger… I swear, without me, you people would all be half-dead by now.” I followed her, with Twilight quickly following up the rear.

We ran like no tomorrow towards a swamp, trying to catch Pinkie. Every time one of us got close, she would twitch and rocket forward, leaving us to catch up. After maybe another thirty minutes of galloping, I caught her tail (still tasted like cotton candy –what kind of shampoo did she use?) and yanked her back. She skidded to a stop, just as I looked up and noticed that there were frogs.

The frogs were freaking everywhere.

I’m dead serious. I was literally standing on a pile of frogs. Kind of gross, but it was nowhere near as bad as what was underneath the frogs. 

Apparently, some sort of weird beast native to swamps was sleeping under the nest of frogs. I blinked as it raised three serpentine heads and yawned some seriously foul breath. Then it focused on me and roared. I backed up, hastily erecting a shield with magic.

“Guys, on the count of three, run,” I shouted. They glanced at the hydra. The back at me. Then back at the hydra. Then back at me. Fortunately, the hydra wasn’t me. That would have raised some questions, not to mention how weird it would look if I had three heads that wiggled around like that. “One… two… five!”

“Three, sir!” Pinkie yelled as we took off at a breakneck pace. The hydra broke my shield in mere seconds and stomped after us. Bloody bastard, I worked hard on that barrier!

Pinkie was still having seizures every now and again, so she was stuck a little bit ahead of us. She was the one that spotted the gorge ahead. I jumped just as my feet hit the edge and rocketed over. When I landed, I pulled Pinkie out of her jump and began swinging her like a rope (by the tail, of course). Of course, Pinkie just giggled the entire time. I threw her at the hydra, which stumbled back from the force of the blow. Pinkie curled up like a pinball, rocketing back and forth along the canyon and bonking at least two of the hydra heads. Finally, she rolled to a stop and jumped up next to me, not looking the slightest bit dazed.

“Alright, let’s do this!” I shouted. “LEEROOOOOOOOYY…”

“JENKIIIIIIIINNS!” Pinkie screamed. We charged the beast (now lovingly named Leroy), Pinkie trailing streamers as wisps of Vael’s influence trickled from my mane and tail. We slammed into it together, bringing it down to the ground. Pinkie ran around it, tying it with her streamers, while I hacked away at its body with Oblivion.

Five minutes later, Pinkie and I sat back, admiring our work. Leroy was in a bruised and bloodied heap on the ground. His body was half covered by ribbon and confetti, but the little part of his face(s) I could see clearly told he was out for the count.

“That was… an experience,” I said. I was personally heaving for breath; taking down a hydra is a lot more physically demanding than yelling at a bunch of animals. Pinkie nodded, still not looking fazed. She swiped a bit of blood off her face and lapped at it, not noticing the horrified stare I sent her. Even Vael felt a bit scared.

“That doesn’t taste like punch at all!” she said, eliciting a sigh of relief from me and my tenant. Unnoticed by us, Twilight walked over. She cuffed us both over the head.

“What the hay is wrong with you two!” she ranted. “You could have gotten yourselves killed!”

“Ouch! You’re gonna get us killed if you keep abusing my head like that, woman…” I grumbled. She hit me again. “OW!”

“Still, that was one doozy of a doozy!” Pinkie shouted, bouncing around my agonized form. She suddenly began twitching again. Oh dear holy things…

“Guys, I d-d-d-don’t think th-that was the d-d-d-doozy,” she stammered, trying to regain control of her muscles. I saw 
Twilight’s mane begin to smoke again, and silently edged away.

“WHAT?!” Twilight screamed as she burst into flames. “What do you mean that wasn’t the doozy?! What could be doozier than that?!” I could think of a lot of things doozier than that, actually: Rarity falling from the sky, Discord breaking free, me exploding into a ball of fire as I re-entered the atmosphere… wait, what?

“I dunno,” Pinkie began, “but whatever it is, it must be really, REALLY big!”

Twilight sputtered for a moment, then dropped to the ground and sighed. Her mane extinguished, and she looked so utterly defeated that I almost felt bad for her.

Almost. That mare almost killed me!

“Oh, shut up about it and listen to the dialogue,” Vael muttered from the back of my mind. I promptly mind-crushed him and returned to conversation.

“I give up,” Twilight grumbled. “I can’t explain it! It’s just… Pinkie being Pinkie!”

Pinkie’s jittering rose to new heights. She seemed to phase in and out of existence for a few moments, then all of it sudden, it stopped.

“Is it gone?” I asked. “Has it stopped?” Pinkie nodded slowly, testing out her limbs.

“Yeppers!” she cheered. “All gone! I know what the doozy is, too!”

“So, what was it?” Twilight asked. Pinkie pointed at her.

“It was you! I never ever ever ever ever thought that you’d not question my Pinkie Sense. That was a doozy!”

“And what a doozy of a doozy it was,” I muttered. Everyone laughed, and, picking myself up, we trotted out of the bog and back into town. I stared up at the sun as it set, thinking about Pinkie’s mysterious powers. 

A doozy of a doozy, indeed…