Papers Please Asshole
Papers Please Asshole
I walk along the sidewalk in Manehatten, passing by many buildings for housing and job placements for diverse immigrants of all kinds. I see many Equestrian guards around the area, keeping watch to see or hear anything suspicious or dangerous. I pay them no mind as they march past me to their posts. I keep shivering slightly in my coat, and tug on my hat to make sure it stays where it is. Damn ponies, saying the seasons have to change. They literally control nature, but they do this winter bullshit anyway. I steel myself for another day of work as I see the border checkpoint up ahead. It was simple really, a small building with walls extending from either side. Walls that are so high, you get dizzy from looking up at them. I sigh and check my watch as I pass a certain guard. Spearhead. He’s one of the most tolerable guard out of all of them. He actually has a personality.
“Mornin’ Anon, make sure to keep the insults light today,” Spearhead says seriously, smiling at the very thought of needing to tell me that.
“Provided that they stop giving me shit, I’ll be happy to,” I reply, not sparing a glance. Spearhead laughs and returns to his post. I open the door to my small office, an office that was used for one purpose. My job.
My job is simple, get in, stamp ponies’ and immigrants’ papers, and do so until the bell for 6 PM rings. There are two main stamps, green for allowing the creature in my booth to pass, and red to deny entrance to the creature in my booth. There was a blue stamp to tell the creature why they were denied, but I called it retarded and disassembled it myself. The princesses didn’t charge me, knowing that I always made sure to call out the mistakes. Princess Celestia has given me this task since I had nothing else to do with my life. In the span of a month, I’ve suffered numerous terrorist attacks, flirts, strip club invites, threats, bombs, weapons pointed at my face, and worst of all: pure stupidity. See, everyone makes honest mistakes. They do. They also expect me to just let it slide most of the time for no reason. I may not be a stickler for the rules, but if I get the opportunity to make fun of everyone I meet and get away with it, I’ll take it. Of course, I still have to be nice to a degree. Thus, I set up some rules.
Rule one, if the entrant is a prick, be a prick. Rule two, if the entrant is already embarrassed from a detail on the passport, or they’re impaired, be nicer. To a degree. Rule three, the ones who don’t piss me off outside of work get a pass from my assholyness. Simple right?
I currently sit in my small office. It consists of a desk next to a window with a shudder I can open or close with a lever. I pull it down, and the shudders fly up with a clang. I look at my desk to see various buttons, a mic, two stamps, a scale, a clock, a rule book, a confiscation box, and finally, a letter. I pick up the letter to see it’s from Celestia. What the hell does Sunbutt want? I open the letter to read its contents.
’Dear Anon,
I am glad you chose to be on our side the other day, knowing you might save ponies lives and cease a senseless revolution. The captured criminals confessed to planning to bomb the checkpoint and allowed us to discover the rest of the cult’s location. We have decided to compensate you for your bravery and honor. When you return home, you will find that you have a lot of bits for your heroism.
Your Princess,
Celestia’
Heroism? I start laughing to myself. I only did it because they thought I would sacrifice myself for some stupid cult I never cared about. When Celestia allowed me to use crossbows for protection, I mostly used lethal ones. The only reason the recent terrorists are alive is because I couldn’t find any of the lethal ones. Though, I compensated by shooting them in the ass. I think I have too much fun here sometimes. I look at my rulebook. There are quite a few rules, though I don’t remember them at the top of my head. When I look at papers, I don’t look at how it’s correct, I look at how it’s wrong. I throw the letter aside and leaned towards the mic.
“First creature, please come in,” I say to the mic. I hear my voice echo outside. Through the window in front of me, I see a mostly empty room with a door to my left and right. The left one opens as an earth pony walks through. He seems to be a little old, his wrinkles being an indication. He has a brown coat with a brown mane. “You look like shit, papers please,” I say. The stallion does a double take. Something I’ve learned, I can cuss and I’m safe for some reason. I actually paid Celestia to allow me to curse as much as I want. She considered it as a booth upgrade, but after a few days, she told me that if I’m going to cuss, I’ll have to pay for it. I make shitloads of money, so I’m fine with it.
“W-what?” The stallion asks, perplexed.
“I want your passport, now allow me to inspect it or I’ll detain you,” I say. Detaining someone is basically like making an arrest. If I push the detain button, the shutters fly down and the guards take the entrant in for questioning. Sadly, as fun as it is to push that button, I have to have a good reason for it. The pony shakily gives me his passport. “And Access Permit,” I say. He gives that to me too. “And Vaccine Certification,” I say. He gives it. “As well as entrance fee.” The pony starts to reach for his money, but realizes what he’s doing.
“Hold on a minute, there isn’t an entrance fee!” The stallion retorts. I chuckle.
“Ah, you’re paying attention,” I comment and look at his papers. “Reason for stay?” He recollects himself and faces me with a stern look.
“I’m here to visit family.”
“Duration?”
“Three months.” I check his papers, his name, his paper’s expiration date, his weight and height. All is sadly correct. I kind of wanted to detain him. I stamp with a green stamp and hand him his papers. “Welcome to Equestria my friend, get your shit and get out.”
“Well, I never,” He says.
“Well, I have!” I reply cheerfully. He walks out, angry.
“Let me guess, the inspector?” I hear Spearhead ask. I chuckle stupidly and call the next entrant.
The next entrant is a crystal mare. Her translucent blue coat blinds me a little, but I can make out her purple mane. “Shut the damn door!” I yell. The door shuts and the mare is easier to see. “Jesus, papers please.”
“Hmph, rude aren’t you?” She asks as she gives me her papers. I nod.
“Yep, rude. I don’t care though, it’s fun,” I say. “Reason for stay?”
“Immigration,” she says simply, narrowing her eyes at me. “My husband wanted to move to Equestria for its ‘hospitality’.”
“Oh, you’ll get hospitality. Just, not from me,” I say. I pause when I look at her passport, finding something wrong. “... Are you a guy or a girl?” I ask. The mare (or stallion, as this passport says) blanches.
“Um... well, it’s kind of hard to explain...”
“Turn and face the scanner.” The scanner is basically an x-ray machine. It’ll take two photos, one for the front of the entrant, and one for the back. The scanner also helps me indicate what gender the entrant is.
“W-what!?”
“It’s either this or I deny you. Or I detain you, that’s also an option,” I say. The crystal pony sighs defeatedly and nods. I press the scanner button and curtains close. I hear two snaps of photos being taken before I see the results. Yep, stallion. Since the passport is correct, I stamp it with the green stamp. “Alright, you’re fine. Welcome to Equestria.” The stallion is blushing, but has a look of gratitude.
“... Thank you for not making a big deal out of this,” he says.
“No problem. Were you telling me the truth about having a husband?” I ask. He nods.
“He was shocked at first, but he accepted it. I’m pretty lucky huh?” I nod.
“Go off, I don’t embarrass someone who’s already embarrassed,” I say. He smiles, bids me farewell, and leaves... I’m so glad he didn’t spill some emotional bullshit backstory. I shrug and return to the mic. “Next!” I say.
A grey Pegasus mare with a blonde mane steps up. I recognize her instantly. I smile at a familiar walleyed face while she passed me her papers. “Hiya Mr Anon!” Derpy says. Turning on nice guy mode.
“Sup Derpy? Out of country delivery?” Derpy nods. She pulls out a muffin.
“Uh huh! I got you a muffin too!” She says. I smile even wider. I take the muffin, pat her head, and check her papers. Thankfully, everything’s correct. “It was really weird to deliver a griffin’s letter when she’s a mail mare too! Her name’s Gabby, and she’s so nice!” I nod, stamping the passport with the green stamp.
“Welcome back to Equestria! Tell Dinky I said hi, okay?” I ask. Derpy nods and heads out, greeting everyone with a smile. I remember when she first came here. She mixed up her papers and I wanted to deny her. When I learned she had a daughter, I reluctantly let her pass. I never regretted it afterwards. Thus, the rules I made came to exist.
I lean towards my mic and say, “Next!” I turn my nice guy mode off and turned asshole mode back on. A red changeling with yellow accents walks into the booth. Thank God it’s not a complete eyesore. He gives me his papers without my instructions. “Thank you cheese legs,” I say. He hisses, but clamps his mouth shut when I look up. “The other day, a changeling stabbed my hand. Sorry if I’m a little sour towards you guys,” I say harshly. He keeps silent as I scan his papers like a computer. “Purpose for staying?” I ask.
“Work,” He rasps. “About two months.” He’s missing his worker’s pass.
“Where’s your worker’s pass?” I ask. He shrugs.
“Lost it. I don’t see the need for it though.” I stamp with the red stamp almost instantly, my smile returning.
“You can buzz off now,” I say, smirking. He takes his papers and tries to enter. The magic enchantment on the door senses the denial stamp and stops him. “... You’re completely colorblind aren’t you?” I ask bemusedly. He nods sheepishly. “Read what the damn stamp says!” I say. He looks at the stamp and sighs before leaving. I lean towards the mic, “Next!”
A familiar red chubby stallion walks in, his prickly beard and jolly expression reminding me of Santa. His mane and beard are a sort of blue-ish green. “Ah! Dusty Powder, how are ya buddy? I haven’t seen you since December,” I say. He laughs.
“Oh, you know, I find good stuff, I sell good stuff, all about good stuff!” He says cheerfully as ever in a Russian accent. I keep my smile as I search his papers. I spot an error.
“... Dusty, your weight’s off,” I say, keeping my smile.
“Um, well, my mare friend is rather insistent I try the ham she and her fellow griffins crave so much,” he says, chuckling.
“Face the scanner,” I say, my smile still on my face. As I see the two snapshots, I spot drugs magically hidden under his barrel. I sigh as the detain button lights up.
“Well, you know me Anon, I’m fond of selling,” Dusty says, hoping I’ll let it slide.
“Sorry Dusty, but ya gotta stop,” I say, chuckling to myself. I push the detain button. This is the fifth time I’ve detained him. It’s the fifteenth time he came into checkpoint. I have denied him five times.
“Oh well, at least you do job right!” Dusty says cheerfully. Spearhead comes over and spots Dusty.
“Trying that old business again Dusty?” He asks. Dusty chuckles with a good natured attitude.
“You know I have to try my comrade,” he says as he leaves. I shake my head. Dusty is quite a character. Strange as hell, but a nice guy. At one point, when he was in my office, He admitted that he wasn’t even selling drugs anymore. He actually managed to make it a way of greeting the security here at the checkpoint. Now we’re just trying to make him stop doing that. I lean towards the mic.
“Next!” I say. A grey griffon with yellow accents on his feathers walks in. The first thing I notice, is that he’s wearing a big coat and a satchel. I quirk an eyebrow. “Wow, great way to hide a bomb like the most suspicious looking guy in the world,” I comment. He gives me an offended glare. “Papers please,” I say, smirking at his reaction. He hands me his papers with his claw. I look over the papers to see that he’s an official representative from Griffonstone. “Ah, So you’re a rich asshole,” I say. The griffon rolls his eyes, remaining silent as I check his papers. His weight is correct, sadly. Guess I can’t check him for bombs or say he ate one too many cupcakes or some shit. I look at his documents again and noticed something off. “... Are you allowed to be here?” I ask. He tilts his head. “You have to have granted access to go to Equestria,” I say. He pales. “Guess you’re shit out of luck,” I say, reaching for the detain button. He gestures for me to stop for a second. I sigh and cross my arms impatiently. This better be good. He looks through his satchel, trying to find something. He silently gasps excitedly and hands me a letter. I take it and read it.
‘Dear Featherbird,
I would like to request your presence immediately here in Canterlot. We have found a way to establish trade routes to Griffonstone in order to lend a helping hoof. All we need is for your approval before we complete the establishment.
With regards, Celestia. ’
I look at the letter for a long while before chuckling. The nervous expression on the griffon’s face grows as I laugh. I turn to him and show the letter. “You’re an idiot,” I say. His face hardens and glares at me. “Look at the handwriting, it’s plain, the letters are crooked, and it’s cheap paper. Someone just wanted to get you thrown in jail,” I say. The griffon raises an eyebrow, unconvinced. I find the letter Celestia sent me. I pull it up and show him. He eyes it with confusion. “This is her official handwriting,” I say. “Important letters like that are written by Celestia herself. She established that rule with me when I almost screwed over the whole nation. She had to come down and approve the entrant since I wasn’t convinced.”
The switch from confusion to anger is hilarious in a way. The griffon nods to me, and points at the red stamp. I reach over for it, and stop. “... You know what, you can just leave with your papers. You seem like an okay guy if you hurried over like this,” I say. Without a red stamp, I hand his papers over. I’m aware of what financial state Griffonstone is in. If I stamped his papers with a denial stamp, he would have to repay for tons of paper work that was already correct. Another reason I won’t stamp his paper, is because I’ll get a citation since it’s incorrect to give a denial stamp to papers that are in order. He looks up at me with confusion. I nod. “Consider it a gift for showing concern for your country’s relation with Equestria or some shit,” I say, gesturing towards the door. The griffon smiles.
“Thank you, I hope we meet again,” He says, before walking out the door.
“... The little shit could have spoken the entire damn time,” I observe. I sigh before laughing a little. I lean into the mic. “We are incredibly grateful to know that Featherbird from Griffonstone can speak. Next!” I say. I can hear someone laugh outside with the entrants.
The next entrant walks in, a blue dragon. A small blue dragon. Shit. I don’t need her papers to know she’s Princess Ember. We met when she visited Manehatten. I gave her some bullshit to deal with, and she was having none of it. She followed me, stayed in my house for coffee, and set my house on fire by accident. She didn’t realize that the coffee was hot. The irony was strong that day.
Ember walks in, sees me, and groans. “... Hi Anon,” she says. I keep my posture. “... No hard feelings about the house, right?” She asks. I shrug.
“I got compensated. Papers please,” I say. Ember hands me her papers and I look through them. I smile when I see her height and weight’s off. She hates it when people talk about her height and weight. “Well, there’s a problem.”
“W-what?” She asks. I look up.
“The Ember I know is a little squirt,” I say. She blushes and glares at me. To handle height, I have to have the entrant’s fingerprints. Some people will grow some after getting their passport. I once had a guy who apparently shrunk. Now, everyone’s fingerprints come in different ways. For pegasi, it’s their feathers. For unicorns, it’s their magic. For earth ponies, it’s their hooves. I asked Celestia why we didn’t just do that for everyone, and she just laughed and called me silly. Funnily enough, dragons and griffons use claws. When I asked Celestia about this, she just shrugged. DNA in this world is really friggin’ weird. I hand Ember the paper to press her claw on with ink. Once she passes me the paper, I check to see that she’s herself. Now for the weight. One thing I learned about in Equestria, is that everyone is sensitive about their weight. “Please turn and face the scanner,” I say. She tilts her head in confusion, but complies. Once I hear the two snapshots taken, I look at the pictures. Of course, she was just a bit bigger.
“... Was that necessary?” Ember asks, knowing I’ll say something. I look up and smile at her.
“Definitely,” I say. She sighs in relief, thinking I’ll be silent. “Also, I think you should try staying on a diet.” She only gives me a bemused look.
“Just give me the damn stamp,” she says, shaking her head. I give her a green stamp while chuckling. She takes her papers and walks away angrily.
After about ten more entrants, I hear the warning bell for noon and reach into my coat’s inner pockets. In the pocket, there is a wrapped up sandwich. A ‘tomato, lettuce, cheese, and a dollop of mayo’ sandwich. I bite into it as I lean towards the mic.
“Next,” I say. The next entrant is... Twilight Sparkle. She’s a bitch.
“Y-You!?” She exclaims in shock. I smirk and wave.
“Hi Ms Bitch,” I say. In the past, I was going to live in Ponyville, hearing about the calm and peaceful village/town. Until I realized the residents there sucked. They all not only torn down my house, but ran me out of town because of a mishap with Twilight. Twilight asked me to come into her home. We started off talking normally, until she started asking questions I couldn’t answer. She tried to use magic on me to tell the truth, but certain spells didn’t work on me. I also didn’t even know what the hell she asked. We started screaming at each other and the ponies assumed I was a big bad monster. So far, the only ponies from Ponyville who managed to befriend me is Derpy and Applejack. Applejack apparently has a built in lie detector, and she knew I didn’t hurt anyone.
In any case, the pony standing before me is the same pony who ran me out of town just because I couldn’t answer a couple questions. Twilight stares at me in shock. “W-why are you here?” She asks.
“Oh, this is my job. Now, papers please or I’ll detain your star spangled ass,” I say. Twilight reels back.
“D-did you just curse at me?” She asks. I nod. “You just broke a code in-“
“I don’t give a shit.”
“But you-“
“DETAINED!!!” I yell, pressing the detain button. Twilight hears the alarms and panics.
“W-why?!” She asks.
“Because you’re annoying as hell!” I answer. She can only look shocked as the door opens. Spearhead looks on and gasps at what he sees.
“P-Princess Twilight!?” He exclaims. He looks at me. I look at him. Twilight looks at me.
“Why am I in trouble!? He’s acting unprofessional!” She says desperately. Spearhead looks at me.
“She refuses to show me her papers,” I say. Spearhead looks back at Twilight.
“Anon has a grudge against me!” She replies. Spearhead groans.
“Just deny her Anon,” he says. “I’ll talk to the princess about this.”
“B-but I’m right!” Twilight yells incredulously. I shrug.
“Too bad,” I say. Spearhead trots out and Twilight stands there, shocked. “Now get out please, there are others who want to enter today.” I hand her papers back, and she hangs her head. She leaves, leaving in silence. I sigh when she’s out of my sight. I lean towards the mic. “Next!”
A blue pegasus with an aqua mane walks in, looking back. “Did you give the princess a pill of depression?” He asks. I shrug.
“Nah, she was being trouble,” I say, shrugging it off. “Paper’s please.” The pegasus shrugs and hand me his papers. I look through them. “Wow, you look like you kick ass and chew bubble gum,” I comment. He smirks. I check his papers while he talks.
“Thank you, I’ve been traveling a long ways before I decided to come back home,” he says. I nod.
“How long do you plan to stay?” I ask. He shrugs.
“Couple of weeks, I guess,” he says. I feel like something’s off, but I cannot put my finger on it. I scan through his papers again, only to find that nothing’s wrong. I stamp green and hand him his papers.
“See ya later Terminator,” I say, knowing the movie reference will fly over his head. He freezes, and slowly nods. Strange. He leaves quietly. I lean to the mic. “Next!”
The next creature that walks through my door is... Princess Bitch again. She’s silent, but staring at me with a glare. Before I can say anything, Princess Celestia teleports beside her. She does not look happy. “Anon, explain to me why Twilight was not allowed in?” she asks. I shrug.
“Well, you see-“ an explosion shakes the building and the right door bursts open with a small shockwave sending everyone to the ground. I hear screams from the both sides of the office. Very damn convenient. I get up quickly, searching for my crossbow. I find my crossbow as well as the lethal arrows. In terrorist situations, the objective is to keep calm, grab my crossbow, and take out threats. Once everything calms down, I am relieved from working the rest of the day while the damage is being repaired. “Alright everyone, stay down, or else I’ll shoot you in the ass!” I yell. The princesses comply as I hop through the window. I keep my crossbow up, and make sure the left door is locked before I go to the right door. Outside, there are many injured guards, including Spearhead. I see the blue pegasus I allowed in. He’s smiling like a maniac, a crude-looking grenade in hand. He sees me and lobs it. I shoot a bolt at him, which hits his chest. He falls and I notice the grenade land right beside my foot. Shit. I do the only thing I can think of, and kick it into the air. It flies high in the sky before blowing up. I duck for cover and the shrapnel failed to hit me.
I get up, adrenaline running through my veins. I look around to see that most of the guards are fine, aside from the intense injuries. The pegasus I shot is already being lifted by magic to get to a hospital. I look over to the building Celestia and Twilight are in and rush over. I walk inside and sigh, seeing the princesses are fine. Twilight spoke first. “What the hay was that!?” She screeches. I sit down, adrenaline starting to wear off.
“Some asshole tried to commit mass murder or something,” I say nonchalantly. I’ve dealt with these situations about four times now. Or was it six? I can’t remember.
“Mass murder!? Why!?” She continues to yell, still shocked. I look up.
“I dunno, maybe he’s just bat shit crazy?” I suggest sarcastically. Twilight scoffs.
“What is it with you and being a disrespectful jerk?” She asks.
“I dunno, why have you yet to apologize for running me out of town and destroying my house?” I ask, our argument getting heated.
“Enough!” Celestia yells. Twilight and I shut up instantly. She turns to Twilight. “Twilight, I already know what your plight with Anon is, and I know why Anon is here. He is Equestria’s best Checkpoint Inpector. He has detected far more terrorists and discrepancies than any other pony.” I scoff.
“Well, that’s just because I’m competent,” I comment. She shoots me a glare.
“In any case, I understand that we are all tired and ready to leave. Thus, I shall go ahead and try to deal with your problem quickly. Twilight apologize to Anon,” Celestia says, her patience having run out from the recent attack. Twilight looks over in disbelief and tries to form words. She fails to do so and sighs.
“... I’m sorry Anon,” she says half assedly. Good enough for me.
“Thanks Ms Bitch,” I say. Twilight’s face turns red with anger before Celestia teleports both herself and Twilight somewhere away. With a sigh, I walk to my office. I look around and find that I forgot to eat the rest of my sandwich. I look at the clock to see it’s about two in the afternoon. I shrug and grab my food before heading outside. I look around to see Spearhead laying next to a wall, being healed by field medics. I walk over and sit next to him.
“... Crazy day again,” he says. I take a bite out of my sandwich and nod.
“Mhmm... Think we can find Dusty? I bet he’s got a deck of cards to play poker with,” I say. Spearhead shrugs.
“Soon as I’m healed up, we’ll find him. He owes me five bits anyway,” he says. I laugh.
“You know Dusty, he won’t pay you back,” I say. He nods sadly.
After Spearhead was done healing, we found Dusty walking around the guard’s mini prison, being patrolled by another guard. We took him and played poker until five in the afternoon. I wave bye to my coworker and friend before heading home, ready to relax from this day from hell.