I'm Putting Together a Team
In the space between spaces and the time between time, Discord, Lord of Chaos, sat upon his throne, gazing upon a large map that went out into the horizon. He hmmed and stroked his beard before floating off of his throne and hovering above the map. On the map were thousands upon thousands of universes, some sharing the same reality, some alternates of others. At the center of the map was a large black spot, almost like someone had come along and erased that section from existence. What concerned Discord more, however, was the fact that the dark spot was slowly growing, so slowly one would barely be able to see it unless they were paying attention.
Discord tsked and shook his head. "That won't do," he muttered to himself. "That won't do at all."
Discord materialized a large tape measure and extended it so that one end was at the inky blackness, coming to a stop at a random universe on the table. He grimaced and took out a pocket watch, staring at it for a few moments before shaking his head and snapping the tape measure back. He popped it and the watch into his mouth, crunching down on them like ice cubes.
"Well this can't continue." He shook his head again. "No it certainly cannot. What to do, though? What to do?" Discord tapped his jaw and floated onto his stomach, staring down at the ever growing dark spot with a frown. He reached down and touched the dark spot. His eyes went milky and he clenched his jaw. His lion paw clenched hard enough to crush rocks in its grasp. He grunted in what seemed like pain for a few moments before, with some effort, pulling his claw back. He took a few deep breaths and rubbed his head.
"Well, we shan't be touching the stove again, shall we?" he said to himself with a small grin. "But you have been busy, old chap, very busy indeed." Discord looked back down to the universe he had measured. "Well, I suppose I should do something before you become too powerful for anyone to stop, but I'll be needing a little help for that one. But who should..."
A large, nasty grin spread across Discord's face as he had an idea. A wonderful, hilarious, chaotic idea. It would take some doing and a lot of searching, but maybe, just maybe...
Discord touched one of the universes on the map and his eyes went milky for a few seconds again. He retracted his claw and shook his head.
"No, no, not that one. Let's try something else, shall we?" He went back to the universe he had measured and his grin widened.
"Or I could start in my own backyard."
* * * *
TD groaned and slowly stood up out of bed, gently wiggling out of Cheerilee's grasp. Ever since the incident with Chrysalis, she'd been more reluctant to let him go, choosing to snuggle up with him at night as though he'd vanish without a trace again. He ran a hand through his hair and stretched his legs and back with a satisfied groan before putting on his clothes to start the day.
"Gmpf," Cheerilee groaned. "You making breakfast?"
TD nodded. "Yeah, eggs and toast sound fine?"
"Yeah, should be okay. Did you remember to check Comet's homework?"
TD nodded. "Yeah." He scoffed and shook his head with an amused grin. "Gotta say, high school is harder the second time around."
"As long as you're not doing everything for her, she'll do fine," Cheerilee replied, sitting up in bed.
TD grunted and made his way down to the kitchen where Comet was already sitting at the table. Her head was leaned against her hoof and she was flipping through a thick textbook.
"Mornin', Comet," TD said with a smile as he got one of the pans out of the cupboard. "You get everything done last night?"
Comet glowered at TD and grunted in reply.
"Is that a yes or a no?"
Comet sighed and closed the textbook with a roll of her eyes. "Yes, Dad, jeez, I got everything. Still don't know why I have to do that stupid essay for Ponish class on that stupid book about Celestia."
"Come on, it'll up your analysis skills. I know the book itself isn't that fun, but you still need to do it. You have to have all of your--"
"Grades up if I want to get into medical school. Yeah, yeah, tell me something I don't know." Comet grunted and opened up the textbook again. The kitchen was silent for a few moments before Comet spoke up again. "I want to get another piercing."
TD frowned and titled his head. "Comet, you already have three in your ear. What on Earth for?"
"I don't have any in my left ear."
"I dunno. Ask your mom."
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to veto that one, Comet," Cheerilee said, entering the kitchen as TD grabbed a half dozen eggs out of the fridge. "Three is plenty."
Comet groaned and rolled her eyes. "But Mooooommmm! You had piercings in both ears when you were my age!"
"Yes, I did. One in both ears, not three in one and one in the other."
Comet scowled and went back to her book.
"For the record, I didn't have any piercings when I was sixteen," TD said as he began stirring the eggs. "I did want to get a tattoo, though."
Comet looked up from her book with a raised eyebrow. "Yeah? What of?"
"I wanted it on my back. The numbers thirty two and thirty three. The years the Broncos won the Super Bowl." TD tapped his chin in thought. "Probably would have gotten one of the team logo, too."
Comet cocked her head. "Why didn't you?"
TD grimaced, took some bread out and turned the toaster on. "Parents wouldn't let me. Asked me to think about it for another few years before I did it."
"Well, I for one am glad that you didn't," Cheerilee said, turning the coffee maker on. "I might get a little jealous if you had another equine tattooed on your back."
"Fair enough."
Comet rolled her eyes again, but this time she had a small smile on her face. "You're weird, Dad."
"A little bit, yeah."
"By the way, I'll probably be a little late getting home today. I need to pick up some stuff from the market."
"You out of eyeliner and eye shadow again?"
Comet nodded. "Yeah, and I'm a little low on mascara, too."
"Well, don't stay out too late, and be back as soon as you're done," TD said, setting plates in front of his family. "We haven't had a family night in a while, so I was thinking of playing some games or even going to a movie. Just a quiet night in."
"You know, I wasn't waiting for you to say that per se, but now that you have, you've left me the perfect opening!"
Before anyone else could respond, Discord popped into the kitchen and floated over the table. He bowed to Cheerilee and gave Comet a wave before turning to TD. "So I've--"
"Discord, get the hell out of my house!" TD growled, his hand curling into a fist. "You and Celestia have talked about this enough times to--"
"Yes, yes, I know, I know," Discord said with a wave of his claw. "But believe me, I wouldn't do this unless it was an extreme emergency. Something that threatens the very existence of your world!" He floated down to the ground and extended his arms to grab Cheerilee and Comet. He pulled them close and gave TD puppy dog eyes. "You'd do anything to protect your family, wouldn't you?"
"Discord..." Comet looked up at him with a glower that could melt ice. "Get your fucking claws off of me before I shove my textbook up your ass."
"My my, temper," Discord said, frowning down at Comet before he let them go.
"To be fair, I was going to say a variation of the same thing," Cheerilee growled. "Now is not the time, Discord!"
"I'm afraid it is. If now is not the time then there will be no time left and believe me, you don't want that happening. This is serious." Discord looked TD straight in the eye, all traces of amusement gone from his voice. "Very serious, TD. If it wasn't, I wouldn't be here. I'd leave you here with Chipper and Grump here." Discord mimed sticking a cupcake in his eye. "Cross my heart and hope to fly."
TD's glare softened and he frowned. "Dang. What the heck is going on?"
"Oh, I'll explain all of that later. For the moment, I'm putting together a little team, and I need you to be on it. All will be made clear very soon, I promise."
TD looked to Cheerilee, then Comet, then back to Discord. He slowly nodded and walked closer to them. "Alright, if it is that serious. You sure I can help?"
"Positive."
"Who else is on the team?"
Discord's cat-like grin returned. "Oh now, that would spoil the surprise!" Discord turned back to Cheerilee and Comet. "Don't worry, I'm fairly certain I shall have him back soon ninety-five percent unharmed."
Cheerilee's glare returned. "Ninety-five percent?"
Discord shrugged and motioned to TD's missing ring finger. "It's not like I can fix the finger and bring him back to you one-hundred percent, now can I?"
"I got a finger for you here, Discord," TD said.
"In any case, we must be off!" Discord floated over to TD and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "Adieu for now!"
With that, Discord snapped his fingers, causing him and TD to vanish into thin air. Cheerilee and Comet both stared at the spot where they had been before Comet grunted and rolled her eyes. "I'm glad you guys adopted me, but I seriously had no idea what I was getting into."
"Hey, I married him and I still feel that way sometimes." Cheerilee grabbed the coffee pot and a mug before sitting down at the table. "Coffee?"
* * * *
TD drained the last of his tea and leaned back in his seat at the small cafe in Ponyville. He set the cup down and smiled at the pony sitting across from him.
"So how's business, Rarity? Any big clients in lately?"
Rarity took a dainty sip of her tea and nodded. "Yes, my Canterlot shop has been seeing a big upturn in business lately, in no small part because of your endorsement."
"My pleasure, Rarity," TD poured himself some more tea and sprinkled in a little sugar. "I'm happy to help in any way that I can. Maybe you can be part of my next interview?"
"Oh, I couldn't possibly," Rarity said. "And besides, you've done more for me than I could ever deserve. I have to find some way to repay you beyond paying for lunch during our weekly get-togethers. You protected me while was on Earth and I will not forget that..." A wry smile crossed Rarity's face. "Father."
"Don't worry about it. You giving me permission to write the book was thanks enough. We have more money than we know what to do with these days."
"Yes, how is your wife? Is she still doing okay?"
TD nodded. "We're looking at adoption agencies now since..." TD grimaced. "Well, we're not exactly compatible."
"Yes, I cannot blame you. The two of you tried your best. If she can't figure out a way, nopony could."
TD shrugged. "Well, we'll be giving some awesome filly or colt a home beyond their wildest dreams. I'm excited to see who we adopt."
"As am I. I will probably spoil that foal rotten." Rarity tilted her head and tapped her chin. "Would he or she be some sort of cousin of mine in a bizarre way?"
TD chuckled and drained the rest of his tea again. "If you want to look at it that way, I suppose you could. In any case, try not to spoil them too much, alright?"
"I will do my best, but no promises." Rarity took a deep breath and put her fork on her empty plate, which she pushed away. "Well, I think I'm out of time for today, TD. I still have a few orders to take care of before Sweetie Belle gets home from school and tries to destroy my home with her friends."
"They have been getting better since they got their cutie marks, though," TD pointed out as he stood up from the table.
"Perhaps, but I still wouldn't trust her in my boutique alone. You know how they can be."
"Sure do. Well, I'll be seeing you later, alright?"
"Same time next week if nothing else."
With one final goodbye, TD and Rarity went their separate ways. TD smiled as he walked down the streets of Ponyville back to his home. The thought crossed his mind that he'd need to pick up some things for the market for dinner for the next few days. Eh, he could bother with that later. He'd had a long day already and just wanted to get home.
Just as he made the final push back to his home, he spotted Discord leaning against a nearby house, giving TD a grin that he didn't really care for.
"Not today, Discord," TD grumbled. "Don't you have tea with Fluttershy or something to get to?"
"Oh, not at the moment, my good fellow. Right now I have something far more important to attend to, and you're going to help me."
TD rolled his eyes and walked past him. "Not interested. Go find someone else to be in your mad schemes."
"Oh, I'm finding several someone elses, TD, but you need to be one of them." Discord took to the air and floated next to TD, who tried to avoid making eye contact. "I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important." Discord floated in front of TD, blocking his path. "Life and death important. Fate of the universe important."
TD stopped in his tracks and frowned. "What? Are you kidding me? Let's say I believe you. What could I do that would possibly stop some world-ending threat? The Elements would be better for that."
"Perhaps," Discord said, tapping his jaw. "But on the other claw, I really think you're the best person for this." Discord nodded and straightened up. "Yes, you certainly are. So we must be off." Discord materialized a scroll tied in what appeared to be silly string and waved it in TD's face. "This is a note for your wife explaining everything. So there. You have no reason not to now!"
"Discord, I swear to--"
Before TD could say anything else, Discord snapped his fingers and the two of them vanished.
* * * *
TD leaned his head back on the ice machine, one hand still gripping his pistol, ready to use it if someone else came around the corner. Several dead bodies lay around him, still gripping the guns they'd used to shoot him. He tried shifting into a more comfortable position, but hissed in pain as his bullet wounds flared up. He groaned and stared straight ahead. Was it getting colder? His body wasn't hurting so much anymore he felt... fuzzy.
At least Celestia had saved Rarity. Rarity was safe. That was all that mattered.
TD closed his eyes, his breathing becoming more shallow. It wouldn't be long now. At least he managed to take out the people who had shot him, and he rather doubted that the head of the pharmaceutical company who had ordered Rarity's kidnapping would be walking again. He'd done his job, then.
"Oh my, you've made quite a mess of things, haven't you?"
TD cracked one eye open and saw an upper-middle aged man in a suit leaning against a wall in the room with his arms crossed. He looked down at the bodies and tsked. "You've got spunk, though, I'll admit that. I know many, many people who would have just let things lie if they endured what happened to you. They would have just sat down with several cartons of ice cream and wallowed in self-pity, wondering if they'd ever see their charge again. Not you, though."
TD glared at him and slowly, shakily raised his gun. The man straightened up and raised an eyebrow with a little chuckle.
"Really? You're going to sho--"
The man was cut off when a single gunshot rang out. TD's arm immediately went limp as the effort of raising the gun caused whatever strength he had left to leave him. He was getting really cold now. It wouldn't be long. At least he'd gotten the snarky jerk who had come to mock him.
"Wow. Nobody has ever done that before."
TD glanced up at the man and his glare returned. The bullet had flattened against the man's forehead and was sticking there like it was a suction dart and not a bullet. He chuckled and plucked the bullet off of his forehead, sliding it into his pocket.
"Well, that was amusing."
"Fuck off and let me die in peace," TD croaked. "I have nothing left right now."
"On the contrary, good man, you have much left to do. I wouldn't be here if it weren't supremely important."
"Saved Rarity. Nothing more important left to do."
"See, that's where you're wrong." The man squatted down in front of TD and placed his hand on his shoulder. "You have one last little mission in you, I think, and I'm going to make sure that you are a part of it."
TD opened his mouth to respond, but before he could, the man snapped his fingers. TD instantly felt all of his pain leave him, and he warmed up instantly as the bullet holes managed to mend themselves. TD frowned and lifted up his arm again, this time finding no shortage of strength. He nudged the man away and slowly rose to his feet, stretching out to test his body.
"Okay..." He looked at the man with suspicion. "Who the hell are you?"
The man grinned as he stood back up. "I, my good man, am Discord, Lord of--"
A gunshot rang out through the room again.
Discord glared at TD and plucked another bullet out of his eye. "Really, you should let me finish my sentence!"
"I know who you are and I want nothing to do with it," TD said, still keeping his gun trained on Discord.
"Boy have I heard that a lot today."
"Thanks for saving me, I guess, but there's nothing you want that I'll indulge, so if you'll excuse me."
TD tried to push past Discord, only for him to block TD's path. "Your goal has been to save Rarity this whole time, has it not?"
"Of course, but now I've done that, so--"
"Oh, but you haven't." Discord gently nudged TD back. "You really haven't. You've saved her from one, minor threat, but something else is coming. Something that will destroy her and turn her into something that not even I want to think about." Discord grabbed TD's shoulder and his expression turned serious. "I need you, and more importantly, Rarity needs you if everything you've done here today isn't going to be in vain." Discord took a few steps back, never breaking eye contact with TD. "I know it's asking a lot, but I need you to trust me. Once we've succeeded, you can go back to dying on the ground in a hotel."
"I'd still rather not be doing that, even if we do succeed."
"Fine, then, I'll send you back to your Equestria or something. The point is..." Discord walked up to TD and threw his arm around his shoulder. "Time's a-wastin'!"
With that Discord snapped his fingers and they vanished.
* * * *
"PUNCHMASTER!"
"Cheerilee giggled and clapped her hooves before snatching the bracelet off of the bedside table and sliding it over her foreleg. After a quick flash of light, Cheerilee was in her... er... more natural human form. She gave The Punchmaster a sultry look and laid down on the bed.
"Come and get me, big boy."
The Punchmaster grinned and unbuttoned his shirt, exposing his bare chest. He laid down on top of Cheerilee, causing her to shudder in excitement.
"Gosh I love it when you find a Man Comic," Cheerilee said breathlessly.
"The Punchmaster already knows," The Punchmaster crooned. Just as he reached for the button on his pants, a white light flashed in their room. Cheerilee screamed and quickly threw The Punchmaster off of her before quickly covering up with a sheet.
"Discord! What in Equestria are you doing?!"
The Punchmaster shot up and bared his teeth at Discord, fire appearing in his eyes. "NOBODY COITUS INTERRUPTUSES THE PUNCHMASTER!"
The Punchmaster wound up and punched Discord right in the face with enough force that his head popped right off. It bounced on the floor for a few seconds, then rolled around, coming to a stop at the foot of the bed. Discord's arms flailed around above his shoulders as if looking for his head.
"No, no, I'm over here," Discord's head said. His body followed the sound of the voice, bumping against the bed. "A little to your left. No, my left. Down. A little more. A little... there I am."
The body picked Discord's head up and placed it back on his shoulders, screwing it back on. "There. Where were we?"
PUNCH
"Nobody Coitus interruptuses The Punchmaster!"
"Then it pleases me to be the first."
The entire room went silent, with both The Punchmaster and Cheerilee looking at Discord as though he'd absolutely lost his mind.
"Wow, even The Punchmaster thinks you're a creep," The Punchmaster said.
"Discord... um..." Cheerilee sighed and facepalmed. "Now is really not the time."
"Oh, I can see why the timing is bad, but I need your husband." The Punchmaster raised his fist again to punch Discord's head off, but Discord backed out of range. "I'll have him back soon, I promise."
He snapped his fingers and they were gone.
Cheerilee's face twisted into a pout and she angrily crossed her arms. "Great. Now what am I supposed to do with the rest of my day?"
* * * *
"Where's Daddy? Here he is! Wheerrree's Daddy? Here he is!"
Nymeria giggled and clapped her hooves together, much to the amusement of her father and aunt.
"It never gets old to see her laughing," Kristen said with a smile. "I don't know how you managed to produce not one, but two cute kids."
Antares rolled his eyes as he levitated some more crackers onto Nymeria's high chair. "And apparently that joke never gets old for you. Baby ponies are cute. Besides, if you ask Equestria, her parents are the standards for beauty and masculinity respectively. She has good genetics."
"I guess." Kristen took a bite out of the cereal she'd materialized out of thin air. "So what's on the agenda for today?"
"Well, mostly just court and paperwork. A few little outings here and there. It'll be pretty relaxed." Antares smiled and patted his daughter's head. "But I'm going to find as much time as I can to hang out with my daughter. Maybe we can go to Canterlot so that I can see Maia, too."
"That sounds like fun. You sure she'll be awake, though? She has a nocturnal mother."
"Yeah, that's why I was thinking an evening trip. Something to end the day. Besides, I have to get Nymeria back to Celestia anyway."
"I guess so." Kristen took another bite of her cereal, then frowned as a thought crossed her mind. "Hey, you ever notice that you're a combo breaker?"
Antares frowned and looked over at Kristen. "A what?"
"A combo breaker. Alicorns tend to follow certain stereotypes, and you don't follow them. All of the other alicorns are female, and you're a male. In your family there's Nymeria, Celestia, Luna, Maia, and... Antares."
"Yeah, well, I was a female for a few years, and I think 'Antaria' is a stupid name. Besides, you're forgetting Cadance."
"Whose full first name is 'Cadenza.' I'm not saying it's a bad thing, It's just a thought that struck me is all."
"Okay." Antares smirked and shook his head. "Thank you for that."
"Just an observation."
"A weird one." Antares chuckled a bit. "A very Powell one."
Before Kristen could respond, the door to the dining room opened behind them. Antares stood up and turned to the door. "Is there something..." His eyes widened and his wings flared out to their full width. He bared his teeth and fired off a beam of magic that would have killed just about anything.
"Discord!" he cried. "I killed you!"
"Yes, yes, I heard all about that," Discord said, lazily dodging the attack spell. "I'm not the Discord you killed, though. I can see why you killed my alternate. He wasn't being very nice, was he?"
Antares began walking closer to Discord, his horn crackling with deadly energy as Kristen grabbed Nymeria to protect her. "What are you playing at? If you think--"
"I've been through this enough times today that I'll just speed this along. There's a big threat, yadda yadda, fate of the universe, I need you to help me stop it, etcetera, etcetera." He leaned over and peeked behind Antares to look at Kristen. "By the way, congratulations on being the new chaos god. It's a very fun job."
Kristen covered Nymeria's eyes with one wing then made a rather rude gesture with the other one.
"You people are no fun. In any case, you and I must be off. We have a lot of work to do, and an increasingly small time to do it. Thank goodness you're my last stop."
"Discord, if you think I'm going to go anywhere with you after what you pulled last time, you have--"
With a snap of his fingers, the two of them were gone.
Kristen stared at the spot the two of them had been, still holding on to Nymeria. "What the heck was that?" she whispered. "I'm going to have to go get him back somehow, aren't I?"
Just then the door to the dining room opened again, and Celestia walked in with a serene smile on her face. "Ah, good morning, Kristen. I had some free time in the area so I decided to drop by. Do you know where your brother is?"
"Discowd!" Nymeria said happily, clapping her hooves together.
"Um..."
* * * *
TD's eyes fluttered open and he rubbed his head, where the beginnings of a headache were forming. The first thing he noticed was that he was sitting on an uncomfortable plastic chair. The second thing he noticed was where Discord had put him. He frowned and titled his head.
"Is this... the DMV?"
He found that all around him where several rows of the uncomfortable chairs, all facing a drab gray counter. Above the counter was a sign flashing "number 601", and to the left of the counter was a big white sheet and a camera for taking ID pictures.
TD sighed and looked around the drab room. "Discord had better get me back to Cheerilee and Comet soon or I'm going to lose it," he grumbled.
Just then he heard a door open behind him and he shot to his feet. Finally somebody was coming to explain what was going on.
"Discord, this isn't fu--"
His eyes widened when he saw who had come through the door. It looked like... him, though twenty years younger. His alternate's jaw dropped and he blinked heavily as though the other would disappear if he looked away long enough.
"Uh... what's going on?" said the first TD.
"You've got me," the second one said. "I was walking back home and Discord showed up and brought me here."
"Yeah, he appeared in my kitchen and said something about a great evil that he wanted me to help stop. He said he was putting together a team of some kind."
"Aw dude, what the hell is going on?"
The first two TDs looked to the source of the voice and saw a third TD walk through another door, though he was wearing a bulletproof vest and carrying a handgun.
"We were just trying to figure that out," the first TD said. "Discord said he was putting together a team. I'm guessing it's a team of TDs."
The third TD sighed and rubbed his temple. "Great. Just great. Maybe I was better off bleeding to death on the floor."
The second TD frowned. "Um... huh?"
"Nothing. Don't worry about it," the third TD said, sitting on one of the plastic chairs. "I've already shot Discord twice, so I don't think that we'll be able to get out of this one unless we do what he wants."
"Or band together to stop him," the first TD said.
"Doubt it," the second TD said, taking a seat as well. "In any case, we might as well see what he wants. He can't force us to do his bidding, can he?"
"I don't see why not," the third TD said. "He could keep us in this..." He looked around the room. "DMV forever if he wanted to."
"Okay, The Punchmaster took too many drugs, but The Punchmaster doesn't know when."
The three TDs looked at another door and saw a fourth TD walk in. The three of them sighed and all rubbed their temples.
"Look, it's better to just go along with it at this point," said the first TD.
The Punchmaster's eyes narrowed. "The Punchmaster doesn't go along with anything."
The second TD raised an eyebrow. "The who now?"
"The Punchmaster," the Punchmaster said as though that settled the issue.
"Um... okay, then," said the third TD. "We've all decided to at least wait and see what Discord wants before we say no."
"The Punchmaster is going to punch Discord some more when he sees him next," The Punchmaster growled.
"Like I said before you came in, I already shot him twice," the third TD said.
"The Punchmaster's punches are better than bullets!"
"Yeah, okay, you believe that," the third TD said.
"This guy might get annoying fast," the second TD said under his breath.
"Oh dear," a fifth voice said. The three TDs and The Punchmaster looked to the source of the voice and saw an alicorn larger than Celestia even walk into the room. The alicorn sighed and shook his head. "I should have figured Discord would pull something like this. This... is very like him."
"Well who the heck are you?" the first TD asked.
"Um, I'm... you. Or at least, I was," the alicorn answered. "My name is Antares. I kind of got hit by the Elements of Harmony and they turned me into..." He motioned to himself with a wing. "This."
"Dang, how's that worked out for you?" the second TD asked.
"It's had its ups and downs for sure," Antares said, looking at the chairs to see if there was one that he could sit on without crushing. Seeing none, he levitated four into the air and combined them into one large chair. "Leading world wars, getting hit by ancient weapons made of dark magic, having some wonderful kids and devoted ponies, my own religion, that kind of thing."
"A world war?" said the second TD. "Dang, we didn't have that where I came from."
"Yeah," Antares said with a grimace. "Some nut job named Purgle got it in his head to unite the minotaur clans and attack Equestria."
The first TD's eyes narrowed and he tilted his head. "Wait, did you say Purgle?" Antares nodded. "Huh. That's interesting. When Celestia said she couldn't send me back, I went on a six year journey around the world. I fought Purgle in a death match and killed him."
Antares sighed and rubbed his temple. "Yeah, would have loved to be able to do that. We lost tens of thousands of good ponies fighting that war, including some of my most loyal guards."
"The Punchmaster also killed Purgle on that journey," The Punchmaster said. "Now he spends his time having sex with his wife and punching Celestia."
Instantly the other four in the room broke out into wide grins, and one or two of them chuckled.
"Oh, so you punched Celestia too?" said the first TD.
"So did I," said the second one. "I actually also shot her in the head. She had a shield up, so she wasn't hurt, but still."
"After I ascended Celestia and I got into a fight. I landed in some pretty good hits, if I do say so myself," Antares said.
"So all of us have punched Celestia in the face?" the third TD said, triggering nods from the other four. He grinned back at them. "Awesome. So it runs in the timelines, I guess." His grin slowly faded into a frown and he turned his attention to The Punchmaster. "But wait, you said wife? Who on Earth did you marry?"
"Cheerilee," The Punchmaster said.
The third TD scoffed. "So you're having sex with a pony?"
"Come on, dude, it's not that weird to marry a pony," the first TD said. "When you're stuck somewhere forever, you just adapt to your situation."
"I guess," the third TD muttered. "Who here didn't marry a pony?"
None of the other TDs raised their hands/hoof.
"Yeah, I married Cheerilee, too," said the first TD. He motioned to the second one. "And I'm guessing he did as well."
"Cheerilee?" The second TD shook his head. "I didn't marry Cheerilee."
"Well then who did you marry?" Antares asked.
"I married Twilight."
"Twilight?!" Antares, One and Three said incredulously.
"Yeah," said Two. "She's Princess Twilight Sparkle Powell, Princess of Friendship."
"Oh, did she actually get hit by the Elements instead of me in your timeline?" Antares asked.
Two nodded. "Yeah, not too long after we were married, actually."
"So you're Prince TD, then?" said Three.
Two nodded. "Although I don't like being called that."
"The Punchmaster thinks it sounds pretentious."
"Well, none of this makes me feel better about the fact that you're all having sex with ponies," Three grumbled.
"Well, I'm kind of not," said One. "I have a bracelet that changes Cheerilee into a human whenever we want to get physical."
"So does The Punchmaster."
"Same here," Two said. "Got it as a wedding present from, if you can believe it, Discord."
"Yep, that's how I got it, too," said One.
"And in my case, I'm a pony, so it's not that weird," Antares said.
"A little weird," Three said. "So who did you marry? Twilight or Cheerilee?"
Antares blushed and looked away from the other four. "Um... you know, neither of them."
"Oh? This'll be good," Two said with a smirk. "Come on, it can't be that bad. It's not like you married Celestia or something."
The room was dead silent for a full ten seconds before it hit one of them.
"Aw dude..." One shook his head while the other three's jaws were on the floor, and the Punchmaster is almost never shocked by anything. "No, there's no way that you married Celestia!"
"Well, I did. You should have seen some of the stuff we've gone through together. We really formed a connection." Antares smiled at the rest of them. "Besides, we have a really cute, wonderful filly named Nymeria and..." The blush returned again in full force. "I was the sperm donor for Luna. She gave birth to a filly named Maia."
"That's just..." One groaned an facepalmed. "Wow."
"What was it you were saying about adapting to your situation?" Three said smugly.
"You should see us. We actually make a good couple," Antares said. "There was this one time we fought this evil, magic-draining centaur named Tirek, and--"
"Oh, yeah, Tirek. I fought him, too," Two said.
"Same," One said.
"Yeah? How big did he get? He'd drained a lot of magic by the time I was able to deal with him."
"Not very big," Two replied. "Celestia had the brilliant idea to send Discord after him, but Twilight and I talked her out of that moronic plan."
"So how did you deal with him?" Three asked.
"Well, there was this magical box that Twilight and her buddies went to open so that they could stop him. I thought that was taking too long, so I grabbed the gun I'd brought back from the time I was protecting Rarity on Earth, long story, and dealt with the problem myself. Found him skulking around Ponyville and..." Two shrugged. "Yeah."
Antares tilted his head. "So you shot him?"
"Four times in the head, once in the dick."
"Awesome," Three said to the agreement of Punchmaster and One.
"The Punchmaster would have punched him."
"I'm noticing a theme with you," Two said. "In any case, Twilight was pretty annoyed, but I'd saved the day. The worst part was the fact that they'd actually managed to open the box, and her and her friends had turned into some... I dunno, poofy haired rainbow-y creatures that actually creeped me out a little bit. I'd never seen my wife like that, and, in one of my less intelligent moments, I said 'Twilight, honey, I've never been less attracted to you than at this moment.' Rainbow Dash lost it, and I could tell that the other four thought it was funny as well, but I still spent a week on the couch in our new castle that had grown up out of the ground."
"Dang." Three smiled and shook his head. "But yeah, I was on Earth after protecting Rarity myself when Discord found me. She'd been kidnapped by some pharmaceutical company and I got her back after a year. Celestia and the gang came back for us, but I needed to buy some time for the portal to open." Three tapped his bulletproof vest. "These things work pretty well against handguns, but not assault rifles. So that's why I was bleeding to death when Discord found me. Took the guys who shot me down, so that was a plus."
"Man, our timelines sure turned us into different people," Antares said with a shake of his head. "But all of you punched Celestia in the face after waking up in the hospital after nearly being hit by a car?" The other four nodded. "Huh. How about that. Anyone else have kids?"
One nodded. "Yeah, me and Cheerilee adopted."
"Twilight and I were trying for a bit, but no go, so we're going to adopt as well."
One smirked at Two. "Yeah, about that: if you go to an adoption agency in Canterlot, you should find a little bat pony filly named Comet Screech. Go for that one. She's awesome."
"I'll keep that in mind."
Just then a white light flashed in the middle of the room, and Discord himself appeared, his usual grin on his face. "Well, we're all here! How exciting!" he said, rubbing his hands together. "Have you ladies gotten to know each other well?"
"I guess you could say that," One said. "We're all still wanting to know what's going on."
"Well, wait no longer. I think we're ready to begin this marvelous journey of ours!" Discord floated to one of the walls and a giant American flag appeared, while Discord materialized a general's uniform, complete with helmet, on his body. "Men, a great evil has been spreading across the multi-verse. It is taking over more timelines and universes as we speak. Even now it threatens the Equestrias that all of you come from. If we do not stop it as soon as possible, it shall take over all of reality as we know it. You five are here to stop it."
"Yeah, in case you haven't realized, we're not the Elements of Harmony," One said. "And other than this Celestia-loving moron over here..." He motioned to Antares. "None of us even have magic."
"Oh, I'm aware of that," Discord said. "I shouldn't be a problem. This evil is rather... tuned to you, if you will. I've chosen the TDest of TDs to fight this evil." Discord began pacing back and forth as if addressing troops. "It took me a long time to find you five. You are all alternates of each other, but even each one of you have countless alternates, each one a little less TD than the last. I will say that it was amusing seeing where each one ended up." He turned to Antares with a nasty grin. "Especially you. Power like yours has the most potential, so you have the most interesting alternates. The poet, the pacifist, the diplomat..." Discord's nasty grin widened. "The tyrant."
Antares's eyes widened. "Tyrant? There's no way I could be a tyrant! Celestia and Luna--"
"Didn't survive. Very few of your loved ones did. The Elements, Celestia, Luna..." His grin widened more. "Maia, Nymeria, Cheerilee, Blaze, Rapids, Tulip, Ara, Veritas, Cadance, Shining Armor, and that's just to name a few."
"But how did--"
"Let's just say that it's a good thing Celestia had the foresight to bring the Elements with her when you returned to Equestria and went into your Primal state." Discord waved his claw and shook his head. "But that doesn't matter for our purposes. I say there's no time like the present to start our wonderful adventure. Be warned, it will be fraught with peril, and despite what I told your wife and Comet, not all of us might survive this."
"If that's the case then I may want out," Two said. "Prince isn't just a title, I actually do stuff to help govern Equestria."
"Is that so?" Antares muttered with a touch of snark in his voice.
"I'm afraid none of you have a choice. As I said: this will destroy all universes. With that in mind, I have something for most of you."
Discord materialized a large brown sack, which he put on the floor and opened up. "For you, TD Number One, I present this." He reached into the bag and pulled out a long staff with familiar carvings. One's eyes widened.
"Reginald! Dang, I haven't seen him in years!"
"I know. I figured you'd want him for the fight." He reached into the bag again and pulled out a belt of knives. "These as well." He reached into the bag once more and pulled out a duffel bag which he floated to the feet of Three. "Your guns. All of them."
"Fuckin' A," Three said, unzipping the bag and peering inside.
"And you, Antares..."
"A new bow worthy of the skill of your woodland kin?"
"No, something much better." He reached into the bag with both hands and, with some effort, pulled out a giant war hammer. "Recognize this?"
Antares smirked and nodded. "I think I may have fought a few battles with this, yes."
"It is stained with a lot of blood, yes." Discord smirked and turned to The Punchmaster. "I haven't forgotten you either." He reached into the bag once more and pulled out a stack of what appeared to be comic books. "A stack of Man Comics. This is what gives him his power. If you ever feel that power fading, simply read one and you should be good to go."
"The Punchmaster already knows," The Punchmaster said, snatching the comics out of Discord's hands with barely concealed glee.
"And I haven't forgotten you, good sir," Discord said, turning to Two. "I also have your copy of Reginald, and I've ensured that neither your guns nor his will run out of bullets." Discord took Reginald out of the bad and tossed it to Two. "And there is one more thing I think you'll like." Discord tossed Two something metal that clinked together. Two caught it in the air and examined it, grinning when he saw what they were.
"Car keys," Two said. "You have the keys to my car."
"Your car has a few upgrades, naturally. It'll be waiting for you when you need it." With that, Discord snapped his claws and the bag disappeared in a puff of neon smoke. "Well, gentlemen, there is no time like the present. Let's get started."
With one more snap of his claws, the group disappeared.