An End to it All
Something didn't feel right. The bed was hard. It smelt like chemicals. It was hot. Her room was never hot. There were voices. So many voices. Why was it so loud? Where was that beeping sound coming from? Rainbow Dash gradually opened her eyes. Everything was blurry. Where was she? As her vision came into focus, she was able to work out the outline of the square ceiling tiles, each of them seeming like it was moving. She turned to her left and noticed a table with a jug of water situated next to a tiny plastic cup and a box of what seemed to be the thinnest tissues on earth. She looked back up to the ceiling and then slowly over to her right, her head aching more and more with every centimetre. She noticed all the wires that were attached to her, keeping her where she was. The source of the beeping was revealed as she glanced up and noticed the IV machine. Rainbow suddenly realised where she was. But why? Why was she in hospital? Had she got hurt in a soccer match?
As she rolled back over to continue looking at the ceiling, she was reminded of how hot she was. She felt the sweat all over her back and knew it soaked through to the bed. She pushed the itchy hospital blanket off as far as she could, kicking the rest of it away from her body. She looked down and saw what was on her legs. Cuts. Scars. A lot of them. Almost completely covering the upper half of her thighs. It suddenly hit her. That was why she was in hospital. She hadn’t hurt herself, at least not in the way she had originally thought. She had tried to kill herself.
Everything came flooding back. Every detail of the night before played in Dash’s mind, over and over again. No matter how hard she tried she couldn’t stop seeing it. No matter how much she stared out the window, no matter how hard she tried to count the ceiling tiles or the cracks in the wall, it was no good, it was all her mind wanted to focus on.
***
Rainbow Dash sat on her bed trying to understand the book she was supposed to be analysing for English. None of it made any sense.
“Ugh. Why do we need to know this crap anyway? No one talks like this. Not even Twilight.”
She re-read the paragraph she’d just finished writing and deleted the entire thing, knowing it made no sense and attempted in one more time.
“That’s literally what I just wrote. I give up. I can’t do this.”
She picked the book up and threw it across the room, slamming her laptop shut at the same time before half dropping it onto the floor. She held back the tears not wanting her parents to see her crying when they inevitably came into her room after hearing the banging.
“Dashie are you okay?” her mum questioned as she slowly opened the door.
“I’m fine. I just dropped my, er, school bag. It’s full of books, real heavy.” She picked her bag up and dropped it, praying it would make a loud noise. “See?” Rainbow smiled, trying to convince her mum that’s what had happened and not the fact she was on the verge of breaking down.
“Oh okay. I’ll see you later.”
They smiled at each other before she left the room.
Dash followed her out and headed for the bathroom. At least she could cry in the shower without anyone hearing her. As she turned the water on, the tears started to flow. She sat down and buried her head into her knees, letting the water wash down her neck and back.
She cried for a while, trying to get all the hurt and pain out, before splashing water over her face and turning the shower off. She headed back to her room and sat on her bed. She picked up her phone to see if had any messages from her friends, but there was nothing, only a reminder for her to take her medication. She grabbed the pill bottle and tipped two into her hand before tossing them into her mouth and taking a swig of water to wash them down with.
Once dry, from sitting on her bed for half an hour, Dash changed into her pyjamas and got into bed. She didn’t want dinner, she couldn’t be bothered to brush her teeth or dry her hair, she just wanted to escape her current state of mind and sleep was the only way that seemed possible. As she tried to sleep, all the dark, negative, horrible thoughts appeared in her mind once more. She started crying uncontrollably and used her pillow to muffle the sound.
She looked up and turned her head towards her bedside table seeing the vague outline of the medicine bottle. She grabbed it and sat up, pouring the remainder into her hand. Just as she was about to take them, she decided she couldn’t go without saying anything, without giving an explanation. She got up and ripped out a page from her school notebook, tearing it in half. One for her parents and the other for her friends.
I’m so sorry. I really can’t go on like this anymore. I’m in pain every single day and I’m exhausted. I love you so much and I’m sorry it’s ending this way, d I don’t see any point in trying anymore. I wasn’t cut out for this life and it’s time to leave. I will always be grateful for everything you’ve done for me. I love you. Dash <3
She folded the notes and wrote “Mom and Dad” one and “Applejack, Sunset, Pinkie, Fluttershy, Twilight and Rarity” on the other and placed them on her desk. She walked back over to her bed, took the pills and fell asleep. Feeling the calmest she’d felt in such a long time.
Rainbow woke up about an hour later, feeling extremely nauseous. She got out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom, falling into walls and having to hold onto them to ensure she didn’t fall over. Her vision was blurred, her legs were weak and she was confused. She lifted the toilet seat up and knelt in front of it, her head over the bowl. She started to retch, but nothing was coming up. She stood up to use the toilet for its intended purpose, but she felt dizzy and passed out.
***
Dash didn’t remember passing out. She couldn’t remember anything past getting into the bathroom. She couldn’t remember why she’d gone in there or if she’d come out again.
The tears started to fall once more as the realisation of what she had tried to do hit her hard. She regretted it so much, but she wished that she had been successful because now she was going to have to tell everyone why she’d done it, if they hadn’t already worked it out.
There was an unexpected knock on the door. Dash turned, sat half up right and saw Applejack walking in. She quickly tried to wipe her eyes, she’d never cried in front of anyone before.
“I know what happened. You don’t gotta hide it.” Applejack sat down in the chair next to the bed and held Rainbow’s arm.
"Applejack? What are you doing here?” Dash was confused as to how Applejack had known she was in hospital.
“I came to see you. Your mom told me everything?”
“Everything?”
“Well, just that you, er… overdosed. I didn’t ask nothing else. I just wanted to see you.”
“Uh, thanks…” Rainbow smiled at Applejack and received one back.
Rainbow Dash didn’t want to make any eye contact with her friend. She stared at what was probably once a white wall, but was now grey. Then she looked to the door, hoping a nurse would come in, meaning that Applejack would have to leave. And finally, over to the window, watching the leaves blow in the breeze and the sun beam down, making everything look so much better than she felt. She wished she was out there, with her friends, acting like everything was okay, but now she was stuck in here. Stuck in a room with four grey walls making her feel even crazier than the night before.
They sat in silence for what felt like hours, but was actually only a few seconds before Rainbow spoke, “I’m so sorry, AJ.”
"For what?"
“All this. You much think I’m such a mess.”
“And why would I think that?”
“I’m supposed to be happy. I’m the one winning all the sports competitions. I’m the one with the awesome guitar skills. I’m the one with all the energy… Except I’m not.” Dash couldn’t look at Applejack, it was too hard. She knew she had to get this out though, she needed help. “Everyone sees me as this person with so much energy and life. They all think I’m happy. I’m not Applejack, I’m not happy. I don’t think I know what that is anymore.” No matter how hard she tried to hold back the tears, there was no stopping them. Applejack could feel her own emotion starting to build up, she stood up and got onto the bed, sitting beside Rainbow. Applejack put her arm around and pulled her closer.
“How long have you been feeling this way?”
“A while. I’ve been on medication for two years, I keep trying different types, but none of them seem to be working.”
“Two years? And you never even hinted at this once…”
“It’s easier to keep it to myself. No questions, nobody checking to see if I’ve taken my medication, no assumptions, just people treating me how they usually would.”
“You didn’t feel you could tell me? I sure wish you had.” Applejack started crying as she thought about the possibility of losing her friend.
“I’m sorry. I just didn’t think you’d understand.”
“I definitely understand.” She looked down and sighed.
“Huh?”
“I get it. I know how you feel.”
“But...”
Applejack breathed in deeply, she wanted to tell Dash badly and she wanted her to know that there was at least one other person who knew what she was feeling, but it was difficult to get the words out.
“I… have depression, too”
“Wait… what? Really?” Rainbow was shocked. She would had never guessed that Applejack was suffering too, she always seemed so happy. Like she did. “Guess that makes two of us who are really good at hiding stuff.”
“Yep… We even managed to turn that into a competition.”
“Heh… yeah, I guess we did.”
Dash buried her head into Applejack’s stomach. This was the first time, in a really long time, that she had felt safe and secure. Finding out that her best friend was feeling the same way had instantly taken off the weight she’d be carrying for years.
“How long has it been for you?” Dash said still laying on her friend.
“Since…” Applejack could feel her heart racing, she felt sick. She hadn’t said those words in long time and she couldn’t get them out.
“Your parents?”
Applejack nodded as the tears started to fall harder. Rainbow wrapped her arms around Applejack’s waist and hugged her tightly.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry, AJ.”
“I ain’t seen you cry neither, but here we both are.” They let out a small laugh through the tears and finally looked at each other. “I’m here for you, Dash. Always.”
“You too. Thanks for this. Coming to see me, I mean. It’s nice to know someone cares.”
"Think maybe we should open up more?”
“Yeah, I think that would probably be a good idea.”