Take As Recommended
“If you’re already happy,” the pill container read, “then these aren’t for you. If you’re still looking for meaning in life, these aren’t for you. If you’ve tried everything and still somehow get up in the morning to keep at it, then Happy Mints aren’t for you. Happy Mints are intended for those with no other place to turn. They will make you happy, guaranteed. Happiness, or your money back! Take one by mouth once per day, as needed.”
Pinkie Pie frowned at the label. It wasn’t like she needed to take them. She wasn’t depressed; at least, not that depressed. There were still good things in the world, and she knew that. There was no way she had given up hope, and while she may not be getting better very quickly, she didn’t think she was getting any worse.
Yet, the second she saw them listed online, she placed an order. If she were Twilight, then she’d chalk it down to scientific curiosity. If she were Rarity, she’d blame it on a fad or a trend or something equally whimsical. If she were Applejack, it would be to improve productivity. But Pinkie was Pinkie, and she couldn’t quite pin down why she wanted to try them.
Of course, she had done her research. It was totally not fun, and left her bored out of her wits, but every study conducted on it said there was no medical reason why everypony shouldn’t take it. Each researcher concluded that it worked as advertised, and had no harmful effects that they were aware of. Still, the warning on the label made Pinkie hesitate. Maybe, just maybe, she should be careful?
Well, one couldn’t hurt, could it?
She bit her lip, her tail all twitchy-itchy as she tipped the container onto her hoof, sliding a few out and putting all but one safely back in their little pink-tinted home. The pill was yellow, round, thin, and had a happy face indented on it. It beamed cheerfully up at her, and Pinkie couldn’t help but smile back.
Pinkie Pie had seen quite a few scary movies, and it was because of them that she hesitated. In the movies, super cheery and innocent things often turned out to be the most dangerous. Was real life ever like that? Maybe she’d just flush them all down the toilet and be done. A toilet full of happy faces, that would be quite a sight! No, no, she had to know what they did. Maybe they would make her happy! Before she could talk herself out of it, she stuck the pill on her tongue, grabbed a bottle of water, and gulped it down.
For a moment, all she could taste was a lingering sweetness of peppermint on her tongue. That didn’t bother her too much. Medicine often took a while to take effect. She swallowed again, and the aftertaste faded. Huh. Was that it? Maybe it was a placebo. She couldn’t be sure with that sort of thing. Never again would she buy drugs off the internet, certified and proven or not!
Pinkie frowned at the pill container. Nopony should know that she got them, that was for certain. They’d wonder and ask too many questions. Pinkie Pie, the Element of Laughter, needs a drug to be truly happy? That wasn’t the kind of message she wanted to send at all! Not to mention, her friends might not approve. What would they say if they knew? They weren’t illegal, and yet a tiny bit of her felt guilty. Pinkie couldn’t quite figure out why, but she shrugged it off. Since she only took one, it shouldn’t do any harm. She stashed away the Happy Mints underneath the sink and bounced out of the house.
Halfway to the Castle of Friendship, she felt something. Something tingly, something that somehow felt the way peppermint tastes. It started from her chest, a pleasant warmth that spread slowly, creeping through her veins to the tips of her hooves. It felt nice, a welcome heat that warmed her from the inside in the best possible way. Only when her cheeks started to ache did she realize that she’d been smiling.
It was as though a weight had been lifted from Pinkie. She felt floaty like a balloon, as though her hooves never quite touched the ground as she bounded her way to talk to Twilight and her friends. They wouldn’t notice anything odd about her, of course. There’s nothing wrong with being happy, after all! She smiled up at the sky. The pills did work, then! Hurray for drugs!
It had been a week since Pinkie had begun taking the Happy Mints and she was already noticing some positive effects. Everything seemed so much more wonderful, and while her problems were still there, Pinkie had a hard time getting all worried and sad about them. It was much easier to deal with the daily stresses of life when she was always happy.
She skipped to the castle, humming gleefully to herself. She hadn’t been the only one to try the Happy Mints, so it wasn’t like she was all alone in enjoying them! Every day, more and more ponies suddenly seemed a lot more cheery, more than Pinkie Pie’s influence had ever caused. By now, half of Ponyville must have at least tried the drug at one point or another. It was rather surprising to see ponies cheerfully calling out to each other or waving as she pranced past. She heard singing from houses that used to be quiet and dark. It was an amazing change to watch!
And yet, despite all the good they caused, there had been rumors. Some ponies really didn’t like them, for some reason. While there weren’t any physical side effects, a few of her bestest-ever friends said they felt sadder when they stopped taking them, like something was missing. Pinkie kind of understood that. Nopony liked being unhappy, after all! Still, it was peculiar that some ponies were against such a wonderful thing.
Apparently, some ponies up in Canterlot were trying to get them shut down! They thought Happy Mints were actually keeping ponies from getting better, but that couldn’t be right, could it? Ponies seemed so much happier when they were taking them, and happiness was the best sign there could be! Pinkie looked over at the newspaper stand as she bounced past. Another day, another rumor, but this one simply had to be disproven, it just had to! Ponies not wanting other ponies to be happy just didn’t make any sense at all!
If any other pony had been concerned about this, they’d probably not do much of anything, but this was Pinkie, and Detective Pinkie was on the case! She’d sleuth around and crack it before teacake time. And what better way to gather clues than with her friends? Pinkie sauntered nonchalantly past Spike as he held the door open for her, and tipped her super special sillylicious sleuthing sombrero at the confused dragon. It was Answers Time.
“I’ve summoned you all here on account of a super-dupery important investigation,” Pinkie announced as she trotted into the Table Room. Twilight gave her a quizzical look and sat down with a puzzled frown, slowly lowering her notes on what appeared to be an in-progress presentation on Tax Adjustments for Castle-Keeping Yearlong (or, T.A.C.K.Y., for short). Everypony but Twilight looked thoroughly relieved at the interruption, except for Rainbow, who didn’t notice, because she was asleep.
“As you all may know,” Pinkie continued, undeterred. “A new type of pill has been released to the world, and it’s making ponies very happy, and yet, some ponies, somewhere, don’t even like them! Which means they must not like being happy! And that’s a real problem, you guys! So I need all of your help, because now we gotta find out why ponies wouldn’t want to be happy!”
Twilight cocked her head, letting her ears flop as she thought. “You mean the Happy Mints? I don’t really like the idea of them. I tried a couple, but being happy because of medicine just feels… weird. What do you all think?”
“Ah won’t touch ‘em,” Applejack drawled, before looking around to gauge her friend’s reactions. “What? They’re like bein’ dishonest with yerself, and Ah just don’t think that’s right. Other ponies can do that to themselves, if they wanna.”
Fluttershy tentatively raised a hoof, but Rainbow chose that moment to jerk awake. “I was paying attention!” She shouted, jolting up so fast she hit her head against the back of her chair. “Ow… anyways, those Happy Mint things? I’d love to try them and all, but Spitfire banned them from the Wonderbolts. They aren’t performance enhancing, but Soarin took one too many before practice right after they became a thing and decided it was a brilliant idea to dive-bomb into a rainbow! Heh, Spitfire never let him hear the end of that, let me tell you!”
Rainbow chuckled to herself before realizing nopony was joining in. “What? Nopony got hurt. Soarin just got a bit more colorful for a few days, that’s all!”
Fluttershy raised her hoof a bit higher before lowering it again to tap against the table restlessly. “Um, I’d love to try it, it sounds like a lot of fun, but I don’t know what would happen if one of my animal friends found one. Oh, just think, what if a little bunny or squirrel ate a whole bunch of them, thinking they were treats, and got seriously hurt!” She bit her lip and slowly slid down her seat.
“I don’t think they have that much of an effect, Fluttershy, dearest,” reassured Rarity, propping up the pegasus with her magic. “I, for one, take one or two whenever I’m feeling particularly sad, or when the world is simply too much to handle! They help lift my spirits, and I haven’t noticed anything truly harmful about it. There’s nothing to worry about, so long as you follow the instructions.”
Twilight nodded brusquely before shuffling a few notecards absentmindedly. “There, see, Pinkie? Most of us don’t take them, but we’ve all got our reasons. It’s certainly not because we hate being happy! Now, I’d like to get back to-”
Pinkie frowned, for the first time in a week, surely. “It just doesn’t make sense! I mean, I guess you all have reasons, but they’re doing so much good, can’t you see? Everypony is so much happier! They’re bursting out into at least double-percent more songs spontaneously on the street! That’s good, isn’t it?”
“I… I suppose,” Twilight said hesitantly, lowering her notecards. “Be careful if you take them, okay? Just because they say there’s no side effects doesn’t mean that nothing bad can happen.”
“Okie-dokie-loki!” chirped Pinkie, with a little more enthusiasm. She couldn’t tell if she was faking it or not, but that was a-okay! She trotted back out the door and headed towards Sugarcube Corner as the excited droning of Taxtime Twilight resumed behind her. They’d see in time, wouldn’t they?
It had been a month, probably, since Pinkie had first taken the Happy Mints. She smiled at the row of little pill bottles underneath her sink. There they were, her usual supply and some extras in case her friends needed them for some reason. Who knew? Everypony deserved to be happy, and maybe an extra bottle would make somepony’s day. She had needed to increase her order, since she was taking them every day herself to be at her happiest, but she was careful to only take one a day, especially after Trixie’s… incident.
Starlight Glimmer had noticed it first. Both of them had been taking Happy Mints, but Trixie’s happy seemed a bit over-the-top. Everypony thought that maybe the pills just affected her more, but her reactions to the medication kept getting more extreme. It got to the point where nopony would see Trixie for a few days before she turned up giddy and bouncing in circles in somepony’s garden, mindlessly trampling their tulips and tiger lilies.
One day, though, somepony realized that Trixie had disappeared. It was after a shipment shortage had delayed everypony’s scheduled delivery by a few days, so nopony noticed at first. A search was called, and while the smiling ponies found it difficult to be too worried, they were concerned nonetheless. It was hours before somepony finally found her. Starlight found Trixie curled up in a box on the shore of the river, halfway to the Everfree Forest, and bawling her eyes out.
Starlight Glimmer had taken it upon herself to find out why, and after some careful questioning (and plenty of tissues), Trixie admitted to have been taking more than one per day, because when she stopped taking them, she felt sad and hopeless, so she took more the next time to make herself feel even better. When the next shipment didn’t come, Trixie took an entire week’s worth of happy pills, decided to make a boat out of a crate to float down the river and perform magic tricks in. The Happy Mints’ effects didn’t last long enough to plan out and enact her most daring show yet, and the post-pill slump hit her hardest of all, leaving her unable to move and unwilling to leave her crate.
Of course, Trixie didn’t want everypony to know that she, the Great and Powerful Trixie, was also slightly Addicted and Depressed, but the word leaked out somehow. Starlight swore off of Happy Mints in an effort to support Trixie’s weaning off of the pills, and many ponies followed suit. That made Pinkie a little sad, but there were still plenty of ponies in Ponyville who still took them, surely, and nopony would judge her for wanting to be happy, so long as she didn’t overdo it, right?
Pinkie was starting to notice something, though. While the burst of warmth and peppermint still happened every time she took the pill, the happiness itself wasn’t quite as wonderful. Sure, she was still cheery, but it just wasn’t having the same effect. One day, she stopped taking them, and everything just seemed so much sadder, so she went back to taking them. The change wasn’t quite as wonderful as she had hoped.
Maybe they had changed the dosage, or she bought the wrong strength of Happy Mint? No, no, there was only one kind, and if they had changed the dose, wouldn’t more ponies be complaining? Besides, she had seen Rarity just a few days ago, and Rarity said they worked just fine for her!
There had to be some reason why the pills weren’t working quite as well for her anymore! What if–and this was a spooky scary thought–what if they stopped working completely for her one day? What if Pinkie stopped being happy forever, and could only be… not happy! Oh, that would be horrible, and if any other pony had the same problem, then they’d be unhappy forever!
That thought was the final straw. Sad-forever ponies were the worst possible thing! Pinkie grit her teeth and went to find her sleuthing sombrero. This would require some extra-special sleuthing. Her first instinct was to ask Twilight, but Twilight hadn’t really seemed all that interested in her concerns the first time she’d brought it up. Clearly, she needed somepony really really smart to figure out why they weren’t working as much. Maybe somepony higher-up than Twilight would have an answer?
Of course, Princess Celestia must know the answer! She was smart, and princess-y, and she knew absolutely everything, probably! Pinkie jumped with glee, but not quite as much glee as she would have liked, and scampered off to the train station.
A hop, skip, and a train ride later, Pinkie was half-bouncing, half-pacing in front of Princess Celestia’s throne room. It hadn’t been difficult to get a quick audience with her, being an Element Bearer and all, but she had still felt kind of nervous. For some reason, meeting with Celestia always felt a bit more formal, a bit more intimidating, than meeting with Twilight.
Another thing, though, was that to explain the problem to Princess Celestia, Pinkie had to tell her that she had been taking a pill for over a month or something just to be happy! Her mind filled with unhappy worries as she waited for the guards to call her in. What would Princess Celestia do? Would she decide that Pinkie wasn’t worthy to be the Element of Laughter? Was there going to be some super unfun paperwork to do? Could she, reasonably, siphon it off to Twilight to fill out if there was?
The door creaked open ominously, as doors are wont to do. A guard cleared his throat, startling Pinkie out of her bounce-pacing. “Pinkie Pi-”
“Make Twilight do it!” She blurted, before blinking and smiling at the guard. “Oh, never mind, it’s just a silly worry-flurry, and it’ll all go away! Not Flurry as in Flurry Heart, of course, because she’s a Princess and I’d never really want her to go away, because I do like her a whole bunch, even though one time when I was helping to babysit her, she threw pies at the Cakes. Not cake-cakes or cupcakes, but, you know, the actual Cakes, like the family Cake, and-”
“Princess Celestia will see you now, Ms. Pie,” the guard interrupted, before nodding curtly at her and holding the door open without another word. A brief thought entered Pinkie’s mind, about how much a Happy Mint would help the poor sad guard out, but she shook her head and away it went. Smiling nervously, she hopped towards where Princess Celestia sat mostly-majestically upon her magnificently moulded throne.
“Hiya, Princess Celestia,” sang Pinkie halfheartedly. The Princess nodded serenely back, waiting for Pinkie to continue. “So, I know you’re busy and I don’t wanna take forever and ever and ever, but I’ve got this problem, and I’m kinda worried and I wanna know if you can solve it.”
Pinkie took a deep breath. “See, there are these pills called Happy Mints, and I’ve only been taking them once a day, but they aren’t working nearly as well as they used to and I got all nervous that they weren’t working anymore because that would be just horrible, and then I got even more scared because what if they stop working forever and I’m never happy again, and I can’t be the only one who’s this not-happy, because Trixie took too many and she got very unhappy when she stopped and does that count as a negative side effect or what? But that’s off-topic, and, um, what do you think?”
Celestia smiled warmly, her posture barely betraying a smidge of exhaustion. “Pinkie, I think you’re worrying a bit too much about this, but let me ease your mind. The Happy Mints haven’t stopped working at all. You simply have gotten used to being happy all the time, my little pony. Happiness by itself is a wonderful feeling, but without other emotions to balance it out, it loses much of its meaning. Does that make sense?”
Pinkie bit her lip and nodded slowly. “Kind of, but… what about the whole problem with Trixie? She got all depressed! That isn’t what the drugs are for! They’re supposed to be non-addictive!”
“The drugs themselves aren’t addictive, Pinkie. Trust me, we’ve tested that thoroughly. We wouldn’t want something so easily accessible to hurt ponies.” Celestia gave a hollow laugh, fluttering her wings behind her back. “But happiness can be addictive, and no warning label can stop ponies from abusing the many methods they find of cheating their way to it. There’s a difference between true joy and happiness. Happiness, like what is synthesized in the Happy Mints with magic, doesn’t last, but joy does. The only way to find joy is through yourself, not through any drug.”
Pinkie scrunched up her muzzle and stomped a hoof. Why did that have to make sense? “Then why not stop the drug, if ponies are gonna use them just to try to be happy? That isn’t fair! Nopony warned us!” Nopony told me, she wanted to add, but bit her tongue and refrained.
Celestia shrugged her mighty shoulders and leaned back on her throne. “I have no real reason to stop the production of them. They do exactly what they claim, they come with adequate warnings and directions, and they don’t truly hurt ponies. They’ve helped a pair of entrepreneurs make a fortune from creating something that does exactly what it’s advertised, and they left no discernable loopholes to exploit. They aren’t responsible for ponies that misuse the drug if instructions are provided. Legally, my wings are fairly bound.”
Pinkie opened her mouth to complain, but Celestia held up a hoof to silence her, before awkwardly patting Pinkie’s shoulder. “Even if I wanted to remove them, I still have to consider their intended purpose, and how they’ve helped fill their need. The pills were created for ponies with depression, to help lift them up when all other methods fail. Besides, they have helped a pony near and dear to me remember that there’s still hope and good in the world. Even though some ponies abuse them, Happy Mints have caused more good than harm. I’m sure you’ve seen it yourself, have you not?” Celestia smiled and gently pat Pinkie again, tender understanding in her eyes.
Pinkie sighed. Yes, they had done quite a bit of good, but what was the point if some ponies didn’t listen? Ponies like, well, Pinkie? “I guess I have. But why don’t you just make sure whoever takes it really needs it?”
Celestia fluffed her wings uncomfortably, her face twisting up in an unreadable expression. An awkward pause hung in the air before the Princess responded haltingly. “Ponies who truly wished to take them would find a way to get their hooves on them, regardless of my efforts. Besides, this is something most ponies need to learn on their own. There are no shortcuts to true happiness, Pinkie.” Almost too quietly for Pinkie to hear, the alicorn added, “It makes me a little sad that some require a pill to learn that.”
Celestia took a deep breath and put on a gentle smile. “Do not worry about ponies who take things too far, like your friend Trixie. I have guards and contacts stationed around Equestria, keeping an eye out for those whose consequences would lead them to harm. In fact, I’ve asked Twilight Sparkle about her thoughts on the matter, and in light of recent events she’s agreed to keep a lookout over her friends in Ponyville. Perhaps a talk with her will help clear up any remaining questions?”
Pinkie sat there and blinked for a few moments. Twilight and Starlight had been watching everypony? Wait, Twilight… cared about all of this? And she understood that it was a problem, but it also could be okay-ish? Pinkie puzzled over it for a few minutes more, making faces at the floor by her hooves. Maybe Twilight understood happiness better than Pinkie did, sometimes. Or maybe it was just because Starlight had such a tough time with Trixie taking the Happy Mints.
Pinkie looked up, a thank-you on her lips, but Princess Celestia was gone, her throne empty. She stared at it for a moment before turning and starting on her journey back to the train station, ignoring the nagging thought that maybe Princess Celestia herself could use a Happy Mint now and again.
“So, you’re looking out for everypony who takes these?” Pinkie blurted the moment Twilight stepped into her room.
Twilight blinked, taken aback for a moment. “Well, yeah, of course! Just because I don’t like those Happy Mints doesn’t mean that I don’t care about the ponies that do!”
“Oh.” Pinkie scuffed her hoof at the ground before grasping Twilight’s hoof. “Come on, I need your help, then.”
She pulled Twilight into the bathroom and tugged her down underneath the sink. “Look, Twilight,” Pinkie mumbled, scooping out the pill bottles from where she’d stashed them. “These are mine, but I don’t really need them. Do you think I’ll be happier if I don’t take them anymore? Be honest, please.”
Twilight managed a crooked smile at her friend. “I do. I really do.”
“Then what am I waiting for?” Pinkie giggled with a forced grin, before opening the cap of one. “Help me out with this bit, Twi.” She held it over the toilet, her hoof hanging in the air in hesitation before tilting ever so slightly. First one, then two, then many more small smiling yellow pills tumbled into the toilet bowl. Pinkie laughed and reached for another bottle.
“They really do look kinda silly, Twilight. Smiling faces, floating in the toilet.” Another bottle’s contents fell into the bowl with light little plinks.
Twilight hoofed her another one. “You don’t need fake happiness, Pinkie. What you need is to make yourself happy, and from there move on to other ponies.”
“Yup,” mumbled Pinkie, dumping a few more in. “If I do get depressed, though, will you help me through it?”
“Always,” Twilight responded without hesitating, clearing away the empty bottles.
“Good.” Pinkie smiled, before reaching up to flush the toilet. “You know what? I think I feel a little happier already!”