North Too Cold

by Davidp1522

First published

The north is too cold, better microwave it

Sunburst has a plan to improve the frozen north, but Celestia likes it just the way it is.

This story is written for the Noble Jury's third monthly writing contest thingie, with the previous writing contest winner, alamais, giving the prompt, [The Frozen North].

Who knows

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It was a beautiful day in the Crystal Empire. 85 degrees and slightly windy with just enough butts so that you're sitting in the shade about thirty percent of the time. Cadance could not have expected a day any better even if she had directly ordered all her little ponies to work together and make it happen. Truly, Cadance thought to herself, it was a good day to hold Court outside.

And so she did!

She held Court in the courtyard, and her little ponies came in droves today. Many did not even have anything in particular to talk about today. They had only come because it was so nice out, and they had heard that Court was being held outside for once.

But with nothing prepared to say when it was their turn to talk, they mostly talked about how nice it was. Some opted instead to complain about how cold it usually was, though. No mater what they talked about, all were thankful for the Crystal Heart because it did a fine job of keeping the sub-zero temperatures out of the Crystal empire.

Eventually, it was Sunburst's turn to speak.

"Yes," he said, "it is indeed a great day outside."

Everypony politely stomped their little hoofsies. This was like the fiftieth time somepony had led with that line, and they were all kinda over it now.

"But its only this nice because of me!"

Everypony instantly stopped and listened.

"Yeah you heard me! For I have placed the Crystal heart into a Special Microwave of my own creation and heated it on low for over a whole minute. This has allowed the magic shield protecting us from the extreme cold to not just guard us, but to also attack the cold directly!"

Everypony was stunned. Could that be true? The perfect day created so easily by a mortal hoof?

"You are all still hearing me right. It was ME, Sunburst, who personally gifted this wonderful day to you! And you know what? I plan on doing it again! Every day even. From now until the end of time! I am going to go right now, set my Special Microwave on HIGH, and rig it so that it never shuts off, ever."

The crowd roared. Everypony saw this as the start of a new golden age. If Sunburst was right, and everypony knew he was, then they would never need to endure another blistery 60 degree day ever again! Maybe they could even venture outside the magic walls without risking their lives! Who knew the end of the possibilities?


It only took Celestia about an hour to realize that something big was going down. Her private champers, magically kept at the average temperature the world, was warming up. And it was warming up alarmingly fast. Because she was magically keeping the Frozen North frozen to keep the mean temperature of her room down, the only explanation was that the North was warming up.

So she flew off towards the Crystal Empire, because the only ponies could possibly want to warm up that wasteland were the ponies dumb enough to call said wasteland home.

Traveling at super sonic speeds, it did not take Celestia long at all to reach the Frozen North. Except it wasn't frozen at all! It was barely even chilly! Those maniacs had gone and done the unthinkable, without a single thought to how their actions might affect others.

Unacceptable, to be honest.

But as soon as she could see the Crystal Empire proper, she was attacked by blue lazer beams. The air sizzled with their passing. Pew pew pew, frizzle.

It wasn't hard for her to dodge them, she could see them coming from far off. She just zigged and zagged and wham-o, she wasn't even hurt. Not even impressive to see. She had just enough time afterwards to think about who would even try to attack her when there was a burst of static around her.

"Hahaha, I knew you would come and try to stop our GLORIOUS revolution, Celestia! I learned from a book that it was YOU who forced all this damnable cold weather on our GREAT nation during our real long time banishment. This is why I rigged up my Special Microwave with the Dihydrogen-monoxide Activation Velocity Identifier Death-ray!"

"I'm going to need you to stand down, Sunburst; you're only going to get ponies hurt with that thing."

"Wrong again, Celestia! For I have calibrated my weapon to home in directly on you and you only! Look behind you and be amazed that the lazers have turned around for a second pass!"

Celestia did turn around, but she saw nothing behind her but clear skies. She did not announce this to her clear enemy. Even so, Sunburst resumed firing as fast as he thought he could manage. All his effort was clearly for nought, though. His death ray was horribly inaccurate without the homing capability. His last true hope was that Crystal empire shield, powered up as it was by his Special Microwave, could repel even Celestia.

And indeed, as Celestia dove in for the kill, she bounced right off the thing!

Sunburst celebrated his total victory over Celestia all by his lonesome in his laboratory. Hooping and hollering like all get out. "Take that Celestia, you cold loving dictator! Now you will never ever be able to destroy my Special Microwave."

Celestia, for her part, simply got up and shook out the mud from her short coat. "You forget yourself, little Sunburst. I have many forgotten and overpowered magics at my command. In this case I will use All Losers Always Must Allow In the Sisters hex." With that said, she cast a small spell on herself, and started running in a straight line towards the Special Microwave. She passed through the barrier and other normal walls as if they were not even real.

Sunburst, in his new found distress, started firing the D.A.V.I.D. dangerously fast, but Celestia's A.L.A.M.A.I.S. did not usually allow him to see where she was. This fact, tied with the fact that the D.A.V.I.D. was not accurate to begin with, resulted in terrible property damage, if not casualties.

But Celestia was soon standing before the Special Microwave, totally unharmed. Sunburst rushed her, aiming to beat her with his hooves. It was a simple mater for her to hold out her hoof and hold him at bay.

"It is over. I will now destroy your microwave, and all will be as it should."

"NO, If you do that the whole world will be doomed forever with an eternal winter! I have ringed it to be so! That is my Final Gambit against you."

"If that is the only way to lower the temperature of my room, then so be it."

"What does your room have to do-" BOOOM

So Celestia doomed the world to never experience warmth ever again, and was happy.