Due to a slight miscomunication, King Thorax and King Secundus become parents. This is a sequel to A Draconequu's Destiny, so it won't make much sense without reading that first. But, what fun is there in making sense?
After a year of wedded bliss, Secundus makes a slight error, and presents Thorax with their child. Deciding to make the best of it, the two of them give parenting their best shot. They weren't expecting large parts of what would happen, but wouldn't trade it for anything. In this mis-matched family, all that really matters is that they love each-other, no matter what. After all, it's not like they could send him back!
King Thorax, leader of the Changelings rolled over in bed. His hooves were met with empty air. His eyes snapped open, glowing a faint violet in the dark. A scan of the Royal Bedchamber confirmed that he was its only occupant. Thorax stretched all of his legs, and sat up on his haunches, thinking. He then smiled thinly, he knew just where to look at this time of night, or most times for that matter.
He silently crept out of bed and left the chamber, nodding to the drones on guard. He set off at an almost silent trot down the ever-shifting halls of the Hive. His destination was a relatively-recently added wing of the Hive. Changelings were still unused to doors, they considered them an unnecessary segregation of space. Instead of knocking on a door, Thorax knocked on the inner wall of the room, near the entry hole. “Sec?” he called, “Honey, are you in here?”
“Up here, Moosey!” came the muffled reply. Thorax chuckled, and stepped into the Hive Library. The room was almost pitch-black, but changelings needed very little light to see by. Thorax looked all around him, but couldn’t find anyone. A laugh caught his attention. “Moosey, how long have we known each-other? I said ‘up’ here.”
Thorax glanced up. Perched on the ceiling of the Library was Secundus, the Spirit of Duality, and mate of the Changeling King. Thorax laughed, and flew up to meet him. Walking on walls was second nature even for young Changelings, so sitting on the ceiling wasn’t much of a stretch. Thorax stretched out a bit, and nuzzled Secundus affectionately. “You never could like gravity, could you?” Thorax asked teasingly.
Secundus stared at him. “After all of my encounters with Discord, and meeting others of my kind in my travels, I think I can scientifically prove that ‘It’s a Draconequus thing’ to not like gravity. Unless you’re Steve, the Spirit of Order.”
Thorax gave Secundus an amused look. “The Spirit of Order is named ‘Steve?!’” he said in a semi-mocking tone. It wasn’t a good idea to insult a Draconequus, but it was still too funny of a name for so important a Spirit.
Secundus nodded seriously. “Yeah, it’s not even ‘Steven,’ it’s just Steve. Given that a Draconequus’s name is our version of a cutie mark, no one is brave enough to ask him why. It’s just one of those things. I learned not to question some things.”
Thorax’s mind wandered for a moment. Despite them being mates for three years, Thorax couldn’t help but think of Queen Chrysalis when he heard Secundus’s voice. It sounded like two very different stallions speaking in mostly unison, with the occasional lapse between the two voices. Thorax then remembered what had brought him here. His face took on a concerned expression. “What’s wrong?” he asked politely.
Secundus took on an expression of innocence. “What makes you think something’s wrong?” he asked in a casual tone.
Thorax smiled wryly. “I know you don’t need to sleep, you just enjoy it, but whenever you come in here for a reading binge in the middle of the night something’s usually wrong.” Thorax put a leg around Secundus’s shoulder. “I should think I know my own mate a little better than that.”
Secundus sighed, and snapped the book he was reading closed, casually defying gravity by putting it “down” on the ceiling next to him. He then looked at his form, his mind wandering. Whenever he was in Equestria, or just being himself, his usual form resembled Discord’s. Secundus was every bit as Chimeric as Discord, but with a slightly different theme, his body was split in half.
His head resembled a pony’s, instead of a goat’s. The left side of his face was a sunny yellow, the right side of his face was a muted blue. The two colors were not split in a straight line, but in a mild wave. Instead of two horns, he had a horn that resembled an unreformed Changeling’s, although it was a bit oversized. His eyes were jet black from edge to edge, with glowing blue irises, which served as a separation between his sclera and pupils. The teeth on the right side of his mouth were like those of a deer, the teeth on the left side of his mouth were needle-like fangs. The long fur on his neck was the same yellow as the left side of his face.
His ears were like a bat’s, with their colors opposing the sides of his face, blue on the left, yellow on the right. He had a long white goatee, but it only ever grew on the left side of his face, the right side was always beard free. His mane was shaped like Discord’s, but had the colors of a Zebra, repeating stripes of black and white. The fur on his body was a slate grey, which he’d never really liked. His left arm and paw was that of a grizzly bear’s, his right arm and paw was that of panda’s. His right leg was that of gazelle, his left leg was a lion’s leg and paw. Instead of one long tail, his spine split into two short ones, the left was that of a cheetah, the right that of a kangaroo. He seemed to be split along carnivore/herbivore lines. He didn’t have any wings, but could still fly by “snaking” through the air like a Chineighes dragon. Magic came in handy sometimes.
Thorax waved a hoof in front of Secundus. “Sec? You OK?”
Secundus blinked. “Hmm? Oh! Yes, I’m fine. Sorry, my mind was wandering again.” He gave Thorax a sheepish smile. “Uh … what were we talking about again?” He cringed slightly.
Thorax rolled his eyes. As smart as his mate was, he could be a little featherbrained at times. “We were talking about why you’re wandering the Hive in the wee small hours, and why you’re currently trying to escape into,” his eyes scanned the upside-down title, “Harry Trotter and the Dungeon of Mysteries.”
Secundus lightly pushed Thorax’s hoof off his shoulder, and sighed. “Just … thinking. I do my best thinking at night, and not physically needing sleep anymore keeps me up even more. I mean, I’ve had a crazy time these past two years.” He grinned at the memories. “Going from bipedal ape-thing to Draconequus, and getting sucked into an alternate dimension would be a shock for anyone.” He frowned slightly. “Yeesh. Took me months to figure out I even had magic, let alone how to use it.” He then shuddered. “Meeting the Draconequine Council, that’s an experience unto itself.” Secundus then smiled again. “It was really cool to find my name and destiny: Secundus, Spirit of Duality, bringer of balance.” He put an arm around Thorax, and snuggled into him. “Plus, I got to fall in love with the most wonderful technicolor bug-horse I’ve ever met.” Thorax gave him a Look. Secundus shrugged. “It’s true. I still think you’re adorable.” Secundus frowned. “Although, two stallions as mates is still kind of rare. That was an entirely new hurdle, I didn’t even think I was into stallions. Although, you and I might not qualify as stallions due to our natures, we both can change if we want. Sorry, I’m rambling again.” He then pulled Thorax into an even tighter embrace, snaking lightly around him. “Thorax,” he said softly, “Did I do right?”
Thorax didn’t know how to respond. The two sat in silence for a minute, then Thorax began to run a hoof through his mate’s mane. Secundus began to purr softly. Thorax then put a hoof under Secundus’s chin, and tilted his muzzle up until he was looking into Thorax’s eyes. “What do you mean, ‘Did you do right?’” It was asked in a slightly forceful tone, but still a caring one.
Secundus pulled an arm free, and gestured at the room below them. “This. Our life. You’re the King of the Changelings, I’m a Spirit with responsibilities in a minimum of seven different dimensions. I can go months without seeing you, even if I’m back almost before I left. I’m immortal, and you might be, I at least know you’re very long lived, but ... I don’t want to lose you. You have a kingdom to run, I have to help keep balance across the realms. I just …,” he paused. “Do you think this will work out? I can’t see the future, at least not without getting in major trouble from the Council. What if - ”
Thorax put a hoof on Secundus’s lips. “What’s to work out? You’re my mate, and I love you. Yes, we’ve both got busy lives, and more responsibilities than we can count, but we still have each-other. And yes, you have to travel even more than me, to places I can’t imagine, but I know you’ll always come back, knowing you, with a physics-defying gift. And if one day I do die,” Thorax stopped for a moment, before tenderly kissing his mate. “You’re a lot stronger than you think. I know you are, because you helped me to find my strength. You always pull your weight around the Hive, and Equestria as well. It’ll all work out somehow, you don’t need to know how, you just need to know it will.”
Secundus gave crooked grin. “So, I not only married a King, I married a philosopher and an optimist. This just keeps getting better. Thank you. Just for being you, the Changeling I love.”
The two sat embracing each-other for a long time, feeding off of each-other’s love. Thorax smirked, unseen by his mate. He then bent his head, and gently bit Secundus’s neck. He then flicked his forked tongue into Secundus’s ear. “Want to make a nymph?” He hissed in a goofy attempt to be seductive.
Secundus laughed as his mate’s adorkableness. He then sat up, and started stroking his half-goatee, looking thoughtful. “Well, … actually yes. I don’t know what kind of father I’d make, I believe in dessert before dinner, among other crimes. Hmm. I wonder if we’re even genetically compatible? I mean, I am a Spirit, I could always tweak it a bit. It’d be interesting to see if the baby’s a hybrid of some sort. Say that reminds me-” He then caught Thorax’s expression.
“You just went full Twilight Sparkle mode dear,” said Thorax.
Secundus gave a weak grin. “Sorry, did I kill the mood?”
Thorax shook his head. “Never,” he said with an evil grin. Secundus swallowed nervously, he knew that look.
Secundus then said, “Well, let’s get to it … Papa Thorax.” He started to kiss his mate. He then snapped the fingers on a paw, and teleported them back to the Royal Bedchamber. Where, thankfully, there were doors.
Thorax rolled over in bed, and sniffed. Still mostly asleep, he licked his lips at the smell hitting his nose. He then sat bolt upright, and gave a small whine like a puppy at Secundus. Used to this morning routine, Secundus passed him a cup of coffee.
“Morning,” Secundus said as Thorax drained half the cup of coffee in one gulp. “You know, one of these days, I’m going to have to gently wean you off of that stuff.”
“Never!” hissed Thorax. “It is the lifeblood!” Secundus rolled his eyes. “What time is it?” Thorax asked when he finished his vampire impression.
Secundus shrugged. “Ten-thirty. I let you sleep in, I thought you’d need it.” He then placed something on the bed in front of Thorax.
Thorax eyed it curiously. “I’m guessing you’re hungry? That’s a pretty big egg to have on your lonesome. Thinking of frying it?”
Secundus’s eyes grew wide in horror. “Thorax …” he said slowly, “It’s our egg.” Thorax froze. Thinking he hadn’t understood, Secundus said, “I’m not eating our unborn child for breakfast.”
Thorax let out a scream, before stammering incoherently. He finally got out, “Y-you mean – y-you went and – you mean you actually-?”
Secundus nodded. “Well, your … invitation to bed … last night was ‘Want to make a nymph?’” he said in a perfect impersonation of Thorax. “You didn’t mean it?” Secundus said in a worried tone.
“I did, I just forgot you take everything literally!” screamed Thorax. “I didn’t mean right this second! I just – AUUUUGHH!” he screamed. “Secundus, we are not ready to be parents! What are we supposed to do?!!”
Secundus shrugged. “Typically, parents raise, nurture, and protect the offspring as it grows and develops, trying to pass down their beliefs and values to the next generation. I could always burry the egg in the woods with the warning ‘If we meet again, I might eat you, so, I’ll check in on you in a hundred years!’”
“Please tell me that that was a joke,” Thorax muttered.
Secundus shrugged. “It works for snakes.” Catching Thorax’s expression, Secundus said, “Yes, it was a joke.”
“How exactly did you lay an egg?” Thorax said, trying to cling to his sanity by the tips of his hooves.
“I don’t have the requisite anatomy, and I didn’t have time to change genders, so … I coughed it up at about six this morning. It felt very weird, I have to admit.”
Thorax thought for a minute. “Just a sec.” He then cackled manically for three minutes, before finishing on a bout of hysterical laughter, somehow managing to summon lightning indoors. “All better!” Thorax said with a broad, happy smile.
“I can see I’m rubbing off on you,” said Secundus drily.
Thorax examined the black and green polka-dot egg with interest. “So, how exactly did we have a kid last night?”
“I just needed a bit of genetic material from both of us, that was easy enough to get. The rest just took a bit of,” Secundus spread his paws, and a rainbow appeared between them, “mmmaaaagiccc!”
Thorax groaned, it still felt too early for this. “So, whatever’s in that egg is a perfect hybrid of both of us?”
“Yes, but it’s ‘whoever,’ not ‘whatever.’”
“Forgive me.”
“I will, but try not to refer to our child as a ‘what’ or an ‘it.’”
“Sec!” shouted Thorax, “It was just a slip-up!”
Secundus grinned. “I know, but surely I can wind you up on occasion.” Thorax groaned, and buried his head under the pillows. Knowing full well that Thorax could still hear him, Secundus continued. “After the egg came out, … and the ensuing ‘my god what have I done?!’ panic attack, I traveled around the multiverse a bit, and asked the rest of the family what they thought.”
“And?” Came Thorax’s muffled reply.
“You know how I said that once in a while a Draconequus might fall in love with and marry a mortal?” The pillows moved in a way that suggested a nod. “None of them went so far as to have kids from any relationship. Congratulate me, I’m the first member of my species to have a kid! I can’t exactly Facebook my human family to ask them what they think I should do, so I’m about as lost as you are, but I’ve been reliably informed that nobody is ever actually prepared to be a parent.”
Thorax pulled his head back out. “Facebook?” he asked in a confused tone.
“It’s one of the human equivalents of dragon-fire mail,” Secundus replied.
“Oh.” Thorax said, knowing Secundus hard a hard time putting human things in pony terms sometimes. He then asked, “Do you have any idea when it will hatch?”
Secundus pulled a pocket watch out of thin air, before turning it upside down to make better sense of it. “Sometime late this afternoon, I’m not exactly sure.”
“That’s … fast,” Thorax said in a surprised tone.
“Draconequui develop almost instantly, so the baby’s a bit of a late bloomer in Draconequine terms.”
“Oh.”
Secundus cleared a spot on the floor, got down on all floors, and paced around in a circle a few times. He then curled around the egg, breathing fire on it to keep it warm. Seeing Thorax’s bewildered look, he groaned, “It’s instinct, I’m not going to fight it.”
“Okay…” said Thorax with a laugh. He started to walk out of the room to get the day underway.
“You could at least get me some potato chips!” shouted Secundus. Thorax rolled his eyes and shook his head.
Secundus whined pitifully at the unfairness and cruelty of life, that his mate no longer loves him enough to get him chips while he guards their child with his LIFE! “Fine, I’ll get you some chips!” Thorax laughed.
“Ooh! I’m just so excited!” cried a purple female Changeling named Pronotum. “It’ll be so wonderful for the two of you to hear little hooves running down the halls!” She then did a double-take. “Err, will the foal even have hooves? No offence,” she finished quickly.
“None taken,” said Secundus. “I honestly don’t know what the baby will look like. Draconequui can look very interesting. The baby is half Changeling, so I assume he or she will be slightly equipomorphic.”
“Hmm?” said an orange Changeling named Cornicle.
“Pony-shaped,” supplied Thorax.
“Oh.”
The Changelings were all gathered in a large wing of the Hive, looking expectantly at the egg, which had started shaking slightly half an hour ago. The tension was killing Secundus, and Thorax was every bit as nervous.
“What’s wrong?” piped up a green Changeling near the front. Secundus once again grumbled in his head that it was unfair that he was the only person in the Hive who wasn’t empathic.
“Thorax is worried about what kind of a parent he’ll make,” Secundus replied.
All the Changelings snickered. “Thorax, you’re a surrogate dad to the entire Hive! Even the adults! You’ll do fine!”
Seeing Secundus’s ears droop, another Changeling said, “You’ll do fine, too, don’t worry.” Secundus managed a smile.
The was a slight cracking noise. Everyling and one Draconequus crowded around the egg. There was a loud sneeze, and the eggshell blew apart. Three different Changelings took it in turns to say, “Oh …” “My …” “Goodness.”
No one had known what to expect, but they were still surprised. The baby wasn’t like anything they had ever seen. The front half looked a bit like a pony, and a bit like a Changeling. It was a dark grey foal, with the beginnings of a spiky black mane. He had the Changeling’s unique mix of fur and chitin, but was furrier than a Changeling. When he started to cry, everyling noticed a set of snake-like fangs in his mouth, and the same forked tongue as both his fathers. His eyes were a perfect mix of both his father’s; he had Secundus’s black sclera that matched his pupils, and his irises were the same shade of amethyst as Thorax’s eyes. His eyes were the same almond shape as Thorax’s, as well as all the other Changelings.
From the back, things got very different. Instead of having the hindquarters and legs of a pony or Changeling, he simply had a long snake tail, in shades of pastel blue and yellow that glowed the way a reformed Changeling’s colors did. He looked like the Equestrian answer to a naga.
Everyling started to talk at once, causing Secundus to clap his paws over his ears, and growl, “One at a time, please! Thorax, you first.”
“Is the baby a boy or a girl?” Thorax asked calmly.
“How do you even tell with snakes?” hissed a Changeling to another Changeling.
“He’s a boy,” Secundus replied. Everyling just stared at him. Secundus sighed. “No, I didn’t check, I just know somehow. Maybe it’s a plot device.”
Used to Secundus’s seemingly random statements, Thorax asked, “Our son is half snake?”
“Yes. He looks like some sort of boa constrictor, if I’m remembering the markings right. You don’t usually get those colors in snakes, though.” Thorax pointed at Secundus’s blue and yellow face. It took a moment for Secundus to figure out why he was pointing. “Oh, right. Hybrid. He seems happy enough,” Secundus said uncertainly.
A Changeling reached out to give the baby a cuddle, and he bared his fangs in a snarl, hissing loudly, before drawing back frantically. It was frightening, but slightly cute, in a weird way. “The baby doesn’t like to be touched?!” she said in shock.
“Neither does Secundus unless he’s in a really good mood, and wants to be,” said the Changeling next to her. “Even then, you still have to ask. Unless you’re Thorax, of course.” Thorax nodded.
The baby looked up at Secundus, tilting his head to both sides, and giving Secundus the most intelligent stare he’d ever seen on a baby. He then leaped into Secundus’s arms, curling up into a ball, and trying to hide in the fur on Secundus’s neck, which wasn’t long enough.
“He likes Secundus,” said the Changeling who’d tried to cuddle him.
“Well, you are his mother,” said Thorax with an evil grin.
“Har, har,” said Secundus. He then got a gleam in his eye, and said, “Would everyling excuse me, there’s just one tiny thing I have to do.” He then teleported both himself and the baby to the highest balcony on the Hive, which overlooked the gardens, and gave a good view of the Badlands. Secundus concentrated for a moment, and see-through images of elephants, zebras, giraffes, and wildebeest filled the garden, all of them kneeling in front of the balcony, which would have been impossible in real life. Secundus held the baby out, and sang “It’s the Circle of Life! And it moves us all! In the Circle, the Circle of Life!” Rather than trumpeting and cheering before the newborn prince, the images just disappeared.
Secundus walked back into the Hive, to find everyling walking up the stairs into the room leading to the balcony. “Well, I can cross Reenact The Lion King With Any Potential Offspring off my bucket list!” he said cheerfully.
“Sec,” said Thorax warningly.
“Oh! When he’s older, I can take him back up there and do the “Everything the light touches” line and mean it!”
“Sec,” said Thorax with a grin.
“Sorry,” said Secundus with a smile, snapping out of it.
“You are aware our son isn’t a toy, right?” said Thorax jokingly.
“Yes,” said Secundus with an eye roll.
When the baby yawned, his fangs displayed prominently. “Is the baby venomous?” asked a yellow Changeling named Aphid nervously.
Secundus nodded. “Probably…” he said in a hesitant tone. He then conjured up a bottle of a pale pink liquid.
“Is that … strawberry milk?!” Thorax asked in mock horror, pretending to faint. “It can’t be!”
Secundus nodded. “Not every Draconequus likes chocolate milk, you know. I just got the feeling he’d prefer this. Maybe he’s telepathic, who knows?” Secundus held out the bottle. “Would you?”
“Hmm?”
“He is half Changeling, therefore he requires food, in this case love. I’m not as good at sharing love as a foodsource as a genuine Changeling.”
“Sure,” said Thorax with a smile. His horn lit up with its lilac aura, and concentrated. “There, that should do it!”
A few other Changelings added some of their love as well. “Just making sure he gets a square meal!” one joked.
As the baby ate, Thorax asked, “It had crossed my mind that with your hoodoo it might be possible to have kids, but … this was a bit sudden. We didn’t get to pick out names. What do you want to call him?”
Secundus watched their son intently. “Well, I have no idea how pony names work, since somehow their names describe either them or their talent perfectly, I have no idea how Changeling names work, and he might grow up and discover his name like I did, in which case this name won’t be his anymore. Hmm.” He looked thoughtfully at his son for a minute, before pronouncing, “I hereby name thee ‘Albert.’”
“What kind of name is ‘Albert?’” asked a Changeling.
“A perfectly respectable one,” said Secundus, looking affronted. “It means, ‘Nobel,’ and ‘Bright.’ I just thought it fit.”
“You would give your foal an alien name!” laughed Cornicle.
“I like it,” said Thorax diplomatically. “It’s strange, but it does fit him.” Thorax pulled Secundus’s ear level with his mouth and whispered, “It’s a human name, isn’t it?” Secundus nodded. Thorax shrugged. “Albert it is then. You know we’ll have to tell everypony about this.”
“Later. I’m a bit tired at the moment.”
Thorax pulled his family closer to him, and to his surprise, the baby snuggled next to him as well. “Well this is not what I expected when I got up this morning, but, thank you.”
“You’re welcome, but you might not be thanking me later.”
“I doubt it,” said Thorax. He tried to give his son a tickle, but his son hissed at him. Albert then changed his mind, and moved from Secundus to Thorax. “Well, we’ll just have to see what comes,” Thorax said optimistically. “After all, what could happen?” Secundus swallowed nervously.
Secundus was broken out of a dream about deep-fried yo-yos by a voice shouting something he couldn’t make out. The voice came again. “Dad! Dad! DAD!!”
Then the voice was shouting in his ear. “Dad! Come on, let’s go!”
Secundus turned over, and nudged his sleeping husband. “I forget, am I Dad, or are you?”
Thorax gave his mate a bleary look. “Before sunrise, you are definitely dad!” He buried his head back under the pillows.
Albert shouted, “Come on, Dad, I know you don’t need sleep!”
Secundus was about to say something, when Albert pounced, and clamped onto his cheetah tail with his teeth. “YOW!”
Thorax hadn’t opened his eyes, but calmly said, “You know he gets that from you and not me.”
“Yes, I know,” growled Secundus. He then bent into a ‘U’ shape, so that his tails were level with his eyes. “Albert,” he said calmly.
“’Orry,” came the muffled reply. Albert then let go, and dropped into Secundus’s outstretched arms.
“Thank you. You’re lucky you learned how to control your venom.”
“So? Can we go? You promised.”
“Go? Go where? Is there something important about today?” Secundus said, trying unsuccessfully to hide a grin.
“DAAAADD!” Albert half-whined, half-shouted. Although he was only one year old chronologically, Albert was already the size of a young colt, and had the vocabulary and maturity of a thirteen-year-old. His rate of growth had been a huge shock to both of his fathers, but they’d quickly gotten used to it. Thankfully, he seemed to be slowing down.
“I’m joking, I’m joking. I’ll need to touch base with Twilight first, why don’t I make you breakfast for while you’re waiting?”
Albert nodded. “Bye, Papa! Love you!”
“You haven’t left yet!” said Thorax. He had given up his plan to go back to sleep. “Come and give your old stallion a hug, will you?” Albert cringed, but allowed himself to be smothered in a hug from his papa. Thankfully, the snack’s worth of love he got from the hug made up for the embarrassment.
“Come on then,” said Secundus, getting out of bed. “I may not need sleep, but I still enjoy it once in a while, and most people don’t like being woken up before sunrise.”
Secundus headed down to the kitchen, Albert slithering quickly next to him. Albert’s tail was now three times as long as his front half, which meant he could be very fast when he wanted to. Instead of using his front hooves for locomotion, his pony/changeling half was upright, a bit like Secundus. He hadn’t grown a horn of any kind, and didn’t seem to be able to do any more magic than sense and feed on emotions. Thorax and Secundus weren’t worried, he would develop magic when he did, and if he never did, they’d still love him every bit as much.
Secundus opened the fridge in the kitchen, and tied an apron around himself. He then quickly started to scramble eggs. He set a mound of eggs down in front of Albert, when Albert needed to eat food, he always ate a lot. Albert’s fork was a blur leading from his plate to his mouth. “Slow down! You’ll choke!” Secundus shouted. Albert slowed down.
Thorax trotted into the kitchen. “Nice apron dear,” he smirked. Secundus’s tongue flicked out of his mouth. “So, shouldn’t you get going? We wouldn’t want to waste the day…”
Secundus nodded, and undid his apron. “I should be an hour, tops. (Twilight’ll kill me for waking her up this early.) See you both later!” He then pulled Thorax and Albert into a hug, both changelings sighing happily from the amount of love that he poured out.
Secundus then blinked out of the Hive, and into Twilight’s Castle. Although the Castle was mostly dark, he sniffed at a smell wafting up from downstairs. He walked into the kitchen, and found Sombra Ebon, former king tyrant of the Crystal Empire, and current student and lover of Twilight Sparkle busy making prench toast.
“No waffles?” asked Secundus in surprise.
Sombra turned around, and broke into a smile, his fangs glinting in the light. “Twilight’s trying to wean me off of them. I haven’t seen you in a while.”
Secundus shrugged. “I’ve been busy.”
“Being a king isn’t as easy as I made it look, is it?” asked Sombra smugly.
“Oh, yeah, the kid had nothing whatsoever to do with my being busy at all…” Secundus drawled.
Sombra chuckled. “How is Albert?”
Secundus sighed. “Aye-yi. Even I can’t keep up with him.”
“Oh,” said Sombra, knowing that Secundus was usually an unstoppable force of manic energy.
“Yeah,” Secundus chuckled. “So, are you excited for today?”
“While I do enjoy Hearths’warming Eve, I do not understand the pre-season rush.” Sombra said curtly.
“Me either, but at least it’s fun.”
Sombra pointed at the toast. “Would you like some?”
“Yes, please,” begged Secundus, knowing what a fantastic cook Sombra had turned out to be.
Sombra set a plate of toast in front of Secundus, which Secundus slowly ate. “Any idea when Twilight will be up?” Secundus asked.
Sombra smirked. “You know as well as I do how she feels about early mornings unless it’s something she really wants to do.” Secundus nodded. Sombra’s grin grew, his eyes glinting dangerously. “Although…” he said.
Twilight Sparkle felt something tickling her ear in her sleep. Without waking up, she chuckled. The tickling resumed. “Stop it!” she giggled in her sleep, trying to swat somepony’s hoof away. The third time, she opened her eyes, and smiling, turned over, and wound up staring at a pair of glowing blue irises. “GHAAAAH!!!” she screamed at the top of her lungs.
“Good morning, Darling,” Secundus said with an evil grin.
“Secundus, what are you doi-” Twilight then saw Sombra grinning in a corner of the room. “Auugh! You two are impossible together!” Twilight shouted in frustration.
“Don’t blame the noodle, it was my idea,” said Sombra. Twilight groaned. Sombra then levitated over a tray with a plate of prench toast, a glass of orange juice, and a rose in a vase. Twilight glowered, but started eating her breakfast.
“So, are you ready for today? Albert’s very excited, I’d hate to disappoint him,” said Secundus.
“Today? What’s today?” asked Twilight.
Secundus sighed, and pawed her a mug of coffee. “You agreed that Thorax, Albert, and I could come to Ponyville to kick off the holiday season with you all. It’s Albert’s first Hearths’warming.”
“Oh! Right.” Twilight said. “Can I finish my breakfast first?”
Secundus nodded. He then said, “Have you given any thought to my other proposal?”
Twilight smiled. “I think it’s a great idea! It’s not up to just me, I’d have to coordinate with the school, but I think Albert going to school would be a good idea. Education is very important!”
Secundus nodded. “Believe me, I know. We’re trying to set up a school for the nymphs of the Hive, but that’s going to take at least another year. At the rate Albert’s growing, I think he should start now.”
Twilight nodded. “Well, if you two pranksters will leave me be, I have to get ready.”
Secundus and Sombra bowed out. Sombra then tapped his hoof against Secundus’s knuckles, and snickered. “Did you see her face?!” he chortled. Secundus nodded.
Secundus then stepped through the wall, and wound up back in the Hive. “You two ready yet?”
“Coming!” called Thorax.
Twilight stepped down the stairs leading to her castle to find Sombra waiting for her, wearing a long red scarf. A few feet behind him were Secundus and Thorax. “Where’s Albert?” she asked. A mound of scarves and hats moved into view.
“Hi, Twilight,” came the muffled reply.
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you think that’s overdoing it?”
“YES,” growled Thorax and Secundus in unison.
Secundus sighed. “But … if he gets too cold he slows down quite a bit. In a not good way.”
“Oh,” said Twilight.
Secundus started pacing up and down. “So, when can we get going?”
Twilight laughed. “You still can’t sit still?”
Thorax grinned. “Not unless I give him a biscuit.”
Twilight tried to hide a smile behind her hoof. She then said, “Well, the only other pony up this early would be Applejack. If you really can’t wait, why don’t you scout ahead for the best places to show Albert? I’d like to do Ponyville proud!”
Secundus gave a lazy salute. “Mission heard, and accepted!” He then stalked off, trying to remember the best parts of town around Hearths’warming. Most ponies got up fairly early, but the streets were almost deserted. As he walked down the street, he heard faint singing. His ears rotated to try and figure out where it was coming from before he realized the singing was in his head. It was also his voices.
I see a cold wind blowing through
I see days neither fun nor free
I see a future caused by you
I see a path not meant to be ….
Secundus then caught sight of his reflection in a darkened store window. It turned to face him, and gave a wide, lazy smile. As opposed to only half of Secundus’s teeth being sharp, his reflection’s teeth were all sharp. The reflection’s irises were a glowing, cat-like yellow. It gave an exaggerated half-bow, and started to sing.
I’m there when you are sleeping,
I see through you when you’re awake
I know everything you’ve done
Every sin, every mistake…
Secundus clapped his paws over his ears to try to drown out the singing. “GoawaygoawaygoawaygoawayGO AWAY!!!” The singing stopped. Secundus opened his eyes.
His possessed reflection was still grinning at him. Its voice was old and dry. “Stop asking for me, and I’ll go away. But you might have to split yourselves down the middle with an axe first. Did you tell ‘Moosey’ about little old me yet?” It then put a finger to its lips, before fading back into Secundus’s normal reflection. Secundus almost smashed the glass. Almost.
Secundus sighed. Juuussstt great. He thought. He then chuckled at a memory of a quote from the Joker. “Another voice in my head?! Why, the more the merrier!” If only… Secundus thought bitterly.
Secundus heard hoofsteps behind him. “You know, the point of looking around is looking around,” said Sombra. “You’ve only seen the one store. What’s up?”
Secundus chuckled weakly. “Oh, … just having a disagreement with my evil side. You know how it is.”
Sombra guffawed. “You? Evil? Forget it!”
Secundus managed a grin. He folded his arms. “Just because I’m a nice person doesn’t mean I can’t be evil, or did you forget what I was like the first time we met?”
Sombra swallowed nervously at the memory of an enraged dragonequus ready to rip his throat out. “You might have a point there,” he croaked. Secundus chuckled. Sombra held up a hoof. “In my defense, I didn’t know Thorax was your mate at that point.”
Secundus shrugged. “I didn’t know either. It was a bit of a surprise.”
“I also didn’t even know you even existed. If I’d known I’d just foal-napped a draconequus’s mate, I’d have gone with plan ‘B’ instead.”
Secundus raised an eyebrow. “You had a plan ‘B’ for your return to power?”
Sombra sighed, and shook his head. “Oh, my poor, naive noodle, I had a plan X.” Sombra grinned. “Being disembodied for a few years gives you a lot of time on your hooves.”
“I can just imagine,” said Secundus.
“So, I’ve apparently met your conscience, but what’s this evil side of yours like? Is he as fluffy as you?”
Secundus shrugged. “He considers blood a basic food group.”
Sombra’s face paled. “I-is that a joke?” Secundus smirked, and sauntered back to the group.
“What, pray tell, where the two of you up to?” asked Twilight.
“Oh, just hatching half-baked plots to conquer Equestria,” said Secundus casually. Thorax snickered, and Twilight frowned. “Don’t you trust us?” asked Secundus. He and Sombra gave Twilight puppy-dog eyes, and wide, fang-filled happy smiles. The halos might have been overdoing it.
“Yeah … NO,” said Twilight.
“You are so weird dad,” muttered Albert.
Secundus grinned. “Yeah,” he said happily, “it’s my defining characteristic!”
Twilight examined the clocktower. “Well, Applejack will still be giving the orchards the once-over. Fluttershy is usually up by now. Do you want to try her?”
Secundus nodded. “Hey, where’s Spike?”
“He usually sleeps in late in the winter. I think it’s some sort of hibernation thing. I was going to get him once everyone was here.”
When they got to Fluttershy’s cottage, Secundus knocked on the door. A deep, demonic voice loud enough to shake the walls bellowed, “GO AWAY, YOU PASTEL PESTS!”
Secundus sighed. “Would everypony excuse me? I need a word with my cousin.” Rather than open the door, he just stepped through it. There were some cartoonish sound effects, and a flash of light. Secundus stepped back through the door, dragging Discord behind him.
“Morning all!” said Discord, giving a cheery wave. “Sorry for screaming. It’s just that we’ve had ponies dropping by non-stop!” he growled. “Carolers, relatives, salesponies, we even got 3 month advance offers for filly-scout cookies! It’s … it’s …”
“Chaos?” said Secundus with a grin.
“If it is, it’s not the fun kind of chaos,” Discord huffed.
Fluttershy opened the door to her cottage, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. “Oh, good morning. I wasn’t expecting you all quite this early.”
Secundus shrugged, and started heading for Sugarcube Corner. He only raised his knuckles to knock on the door before a pink blur zoomed out. “Hi all!” said Pinkie Pie, hyper as ever despite the early hour. “Nice to see you, Secundus, it’s been kind of quiet without you around!”
Secundus shrugged. “I’m still causing trouble, but it’s out of sight.”
Pinkie’s eyes widened. “Wow! You’ve gotten a lot bigger since the last time I saw you Albie! How fast are you growing?”
“About a year a month, if my math is right,” said Thorax. “Thankfully, he’s slowed down a bit.”
“So does this mean I can give you twelve birthday parties this year?” asked Pinkie.
“No, he’s still only a year old, and it’s not his birthday yet,” said Secundus firmly.
Pinkie “Awww”ed unhappily.
“It’ll be his birthday pretty soon,” said Secundus. “Oh, Albert, one thing I forgot to say. For Hearths’warming, I can conjure up anything I can imagine, but please ask your papa for something he can realistically get you.” Albert nodded, before he started pulling the hats and scarves off.
When Fluttershy saw him, she reached out to give him a hug. “He doesn’t-” when Flutttershy’s legs closed around him, Albert gave a loud, angry hiss, and forcibly broke the hug. “Like … to be … touched,” Secundus finished.
Thorax nodded. “It’s a little strange, but he gets it from Secundus.”
Hooves touched down nearby. “Oh, come on!” shouted Rainbow Dash. “You two practically cuddle when you walk!”
Secundus gave a lopsided grin. “Yes, but I know Thorax pretty well, I give him my permission to touch me, and I’ve had a lot more experience fighting down the impulse to bite anyone who touches me unexpectedly. He looks and acts older, but Albert doesn’t have much actual experience controlling his emotions. He hasn’t had the time yet.”
“I guess that makes sense,” said Rainbow Dash.
“Ah, good morning everypony!” called Rarity brightly. “Lovely day for it!”
Thorax nodded. “Secundus loves it cold.” It was true. Most ponies had boots, coats and scarves, but Secundus’s only adaptation to the weather was a scarf, and growing his coat out a half inch.
Secundus noticed Albert shivering. “I’m going to do something you won’t like,” he said quickly. He then quickly picked Albert up, and held him close, draping his tail around his neck like a scarf.
Albert squirmed in a desperate attempt to get away. “Dad! Quit it! Ponies are staring! Can’t you-” he then gave a happy sigh. “Hmm. You’re warm.”
“It pays to have an endothermic relative,” Secundus said with a grin. He raised his body temperature so that he was a walking space heater. Albert would have denied it, but he snuggled in closer to his dad. “Well, that just leaves Applejack and Spike,” Secundus commented.
Twilight beamed. “Actually, I have a surprise if we could go to the train station.”
Discord said, “Secundus and I will be right there, I just need to talk to him about something. Official Draconequus business,” he added hurriedly.
Secundus pawed Albert down to his papa. “Be there soon, don’t start without us.” When they had all left, he asked Discord, “So, what’s so urgent you have to disguise it as business from the Council?”
Discord grabbed the fur on Secundus’s neck, and dragged him closer, his eyes wide with panic. “You have to help me,” he hissed. “It’s Fluttershy!”
“What’s wrong?” asked Secundus, now fearful himself. “Is she sick? Does she need help? What can I do?”
Discord shook his head. “It’s not that! She … wants … kids,” he finished in a mumble, looking at his ‘feet.’ Secundus snickered. Discord looked up, his eyes blazing with anger. “I blame you for this!” he shouted. “If you hadn’t had Albert, she never would have had the idea!”
Secundus grinned. “You’ve been married for three months. It was a nice wedding,” he mused, as memories flooded back. He returned to the present. “Trust me, she would have had the idea on her own, without any interference from me.” His grin widened. “I don’t think you can keep playing the ‘fear of commit-” Discord flinched, “ment’ card,” Secundus finished evilly. Discord sighed. Secundus said, “Look, it’s not my place to tell you, but if Fluttershy wants kids, you should at least discuss it with her. I think you’d be a pretty fun dad!”
Discord grinned. “I know, I’ve read the fanfiction about me as a father.”
Secundus snickered at the thought that a person thought to be fictional read human fanfiction about himself for kicks. It was a little bit meta. Although knowing what some fanfiction was like…
Discord snapped the fur on his tail, and the two of them were at the train station with the others. Twilight was watching the clock intently. The train rolled in with its usual ear-splitting shriek.
Secundus clapped his paws over his ears, and Albert clamped his hooves down on his ears. When the noise was done, Secundus said, “One of these days, they really need to oil that thing. I’m just saying, as a safety precaution…” Everypony laughed.
The train doors opened, and Starlight Glimmer stepped onto the platform. Secundus swept her into a hug. “Hi! I’ve missed you, it’s no fun torturing Twilight without you! Just … uh … kidding,” he said, catching Twilight’s expression. Twilight actually laughed.
Secundus set Starlight down on her hooves. “Bwah? Hrrnnghh…. Mi-fwah?” Starlight slurred.
“Uh, you ok there?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Mornings evil,” Starlight managed to get out. Everypony laughed.
“I’ll be sure to pass that along to Yfel,” said Secundus, “he’d be flattered that somepony thinks he invented mornings.”
Discord nodded. “Oh, yessss…”
“Um, hey! I haven’t seen you two since Secundus and Thorax’s wedding,” said Sunburst as he stepped out of the train.
Twilight shrugged. “Well, you and Starlight have been pretty busy in the Empire lately.”
Secundus nodded. “Plus, I’ve been trying to keep a kingdom from going down the drain, and trying to stop my son from making the universe implode.”
“Uh, can he actually-” Rainbow started.
“No,” Thorax said, giving his mate a Look. Secundus shrugged innocently. Thorax said, “Well, this nearly completes our questing party! Let’s go get Applejack and Spike before my husband does something I’ll regret…”
Secundus put a paw to his chest, looking hurt. “While I’m always over the top, I almost never do that! You wound me, Moosey.”
Thorax sighed. “True,” he said with a grin. “Come on then.”
“Howdy!” greeted Applejack once they got to Sweet Apple Acres. “You’ve certainly grown Albert!”
Albert grinned. “I’ve been working on that since before I was hatched.”
Discord chuckled. “Well, I can see he got his father’s sense of humor.”
Nopony had to ask which father Discord meant. Secundus gave a sheepish grin. “Yeah. The Snark is strong in my family. We’re kind of infamous for it.”
Everypony looped back to Twilight’s Castle to pick up Spike. “Hey Thorax! I’ve missed you!” Spike then peered behind Thorax at the oversized can labeled “Liverwurst,” with the mismatched legs sticking out of it. Spike rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Don’t worry, I missed you too Secundus!”
Secundus popped back into his preferred form. “Sorry,” he said with a grin. “Just giving you a hard time. I know you two were friends long before I showed up here. Aren’t you going to say hello to Spike Albert?”
“Hi, Spike,” said Albert, slithering out from behind Secundus.
“Heya Albert!” Spike gave Albert a bro-claw. Albert was staring at the ground. When he met Spike’s eyes, he winced slightly. “You OK?” Spike asked.
Albert nodded. “Oh, yeah. I just don’t like looking people in the eye, it kind of hurts. Sorry.”
Secundus’s fur stood on end for a second. He pulled out a notebook and pencil, and jotted something down. Thorax made out the word “Symptoms,” along with several checkmarks on the edge of the page before Secundus sent the book and pencil back.
“What’s that?” Thorax asked in confusion.
Secundus shrugged. “Oh, it’s just a list of some things. I’m probably overreacting, I usually do. Most lifeforms on this planet do have very large, expressive eyes, so you get too much information from that sometimes. That’s why it would hurt. Anyway, shall we roll along?”
As the group started to head into the town proper, Starlight asked, “Anypony else feel like singing?”
Secundus and Discord rolled their eyes. Albert grinned. “Sure!” He didn’t have as good a singing voice as Secundus, but he enjoyed it much more. “Life is so grand in our town, we’re always filled with cheer! We never have to look around to know that we’re all here. In our town, in our town we don’t have to wait, to find out that our destiny is just to emulate! Life’s a smile in our town, our cutie marks the same, because we do not sperate ourselves by more than name!” He was singing very cheerfully, enjoying himself.
Starlight’s mouth opened and closed several times. She made a noise like she was being strangled. “WHERE DID HE HEAR THAT?!!!” she roared at Secundus.
Secundus’s head tilted to the side slightly. “I didn’t teach it to him,” he said in a confused tone. “I’d forgotten the words. Albert, where did you learn that?”
Albert shrugged. “I just heard it somewhere. Did I do something wrong?”
Secundus sighed. “I don’t think so, no. It’s just something personal from Starlight’s past she’d rather not have brought up.” He turned to Starlight. “He didn’t know, he wasn’t trying to be cruel or anything. He just heard it somewhere and decided to sing it. I’m sorry.”
Albert said, “Would it help if I sang another? Discord I’m howling at the moon, and sleeping in the middle of a summer afternoon. Discord, whatever did we do to make you take our world away? Discord, are we your prey alone? Or are we just a stepping stone for taking back the throne?”
“Hey, that’s one of my favorites!” Discord said with a grin. The tension broken, the group moved on to get some shopping done.
“What’s the deal with those songs?” Thorax quietly asked Secundus.
“Weeellllll … one of those songs he would have to time-travel to hear, and the other is from Earth. I know both of them, but I’m pretty sure I don’t hum them around the Hive, so I have to wonder where exactly he learned them. Anything special you’d like for Hearths’warming?”
Thorax thought about it. “Well, it’s kind of cold in the Badlands. Maybe some socks?”
“GOOD GODS, NO!!!!” Secundus and Discord shouted in unison.
Thorax’s head tilted to the side. “What’s wrong with socks?”
“You don’t want to know,” said Discord, as Secundus said, “Nothing … on their own merit.” He then sighed, and said, “I might get you some slippers. They can’t corrupt slippers, right?” he nervously asked somepony who wasn’t there.
Secundus started dry washing his paws. “I mean, it’s not my place to judge, and I’m strange too, but it just seems like a strange thing for them to do, and what business is it of theirs anyways, they’re always watching, I don’t want to hear them, I don’t want to-”
Everypony stared in shock at Secundus’s reaction. Discord said, “OK, deep breaths, it’ll be OK…”
“Is he having a Wall freak-out?” asked Pinkie Pie. Discord nodded.
*Pinkie directs your attention to this hoofy video while Secundus calms down…*
“Th-thanks,” Secundus said when he was feeling better.
“No problem!” Pinkie beamed.
“What just happened?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Some things I prefer not to think about,” Secundus stated flatly. He chuckled. “I think I’ve officially used up my freak-out allowance for the week, and it’s not even nine a.m.! Right, let’s go shopping before I mess up any more…”
“Hey, Albert, do you like comic books?” asked Spike. Albert’s face lit up. “I take it that’s a yes,” Spike grinned. He and Albert quickly headed for the non-enchanted comics shop.
Secundus started to follow them, when a lilac aura grabbed his cheetah tail. “Foals only!” Thorax laughed.
Secundus pouted. “Spike’s nearly my age… in a few years…”
Thorax chuckled. “Ok you overgrown colt, what would you like for Hearths’warming? Don’t say you don’t want anything.”
Secundus thought about it. “World peace would be nice, but I’m not allowed to visit Earth, and I’d get in SO much trouble for causing it. Books usually work. I still have to find something nice for you.”
Sombra grinned. “I know a shop that has something he might like, if I could possibly tear you two apart?”
Secundus nodded. “Meet you all back here in an hour. Have fun!”
When everypony had gotten their shopping out of the way, Thorax and Secundus met back in the town square, each carrying a large gift bag. “Hope you like it!” they both told each-other.
“Where’s Albert?” asked Thorax.
Secundus said, “Probably at the comic shop still.” When they arrived, Albert slithered out to meet them. Secundus facepawed. “Oh, good grief. Albert, put those back, I have to pay for them first! I’m very sorry sir, I – No he wasn’t shoplifting, he just wanted to show them to me. He doesn’t even know what shoplifting is, he’s a year old for heaven’s sake! I am NOT hysterical, I am calmly explaining the situation!!! DO YOU WANT TO SEE HYSTERICAL?!!”
Secundus was sitting at his desk, filling out paperwork. Albert was curled up on the floor, reading busily. Thorax walked into the room, dressed in a warm coat, some skates slung over his withers. “Hey, a pond at the edge of the Badlands has frozen over. A bunch of us are going ice-skating. Do you want to come?” Secundus simply raised an eyebrow. “Right. Bad idea,” Thorax quickly corrected. “Albert, do you want to go?”
“I don’t have back legs,” Albert grumbled. He then asked, “Why is it a bad idea if Dad goes skating?”
Secundus chuckled. “A few years before your papa met me, he and his friends had to break into the Hive to save Equestria. In order to tell themselves apart from the Changelings, they used the passcode ‘Klutzy Draconequus.’ Little did your papa know he’d one day marry a klutzy Draconequus. My going ice-skating would most likely end in a small disaster, and I might accidentally hurt one of the Changelings. I could write Discord and see if he wants to go with you, he loves ice-skating.”
Thorax shook his head. “No thanks, we’ll be ok.”
Albert asked, “Why did you have to break into the Hive? Changelings are pretty nice.”
Thorax chuckled awkwardly, a strangled grin on his face. “Um … we weren’t always. I’ll tell you about Changeling history when I get back. Have fun you two!” he waved.
A few minutes after Thorax left, Secundus thunked his head down on the desk, and groaned, “Ugh! All these forms are starting to blur together! I’m beginning to see why Celestia could potentially turn into Daybreaker, it’s a never-ending daymare. I give up. I’m pretty sure most of the Hive went skating, so you do you want to do today?”
Albert thought about it. “Could you tell me about humans? What are they like?”
Secundus froze momentarily. He then laughed. “Sheesh. I have no idea where to even begin.” He thought about it. “Wonderful. Horrible. Amazingly kind. Horrifically cruel. They create amazing beauty, and they tear down other beauty. Selfish. Self-sacrificing. Supportive. Hatefully prejudiced. Brilliantly, wonderfully intelligent. ‘My-gods-what-were-you-thinking’ stupid. Protective. Dominating.”
Secundus laughed, and rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry, I know I’m just describing them in conflicting dualities, which is my thing, but it’s all true. You can actually get a lot of those conflicting traits in the same individual. I … never really understood humans, they always seemed too complicated. They are amazing though, I have to give them that. They always tell amazing stories, and that makes everything worthwhile, even on the worst days. Collectively, they can be pretty scary, but they can also be some of the most wonderful people you’ll ever meet. Sorry, that didn’t nearly describe them well, ore come remotely close to doing them justice.” Secundus thought some more. “Hey, come here.”
Albert unwound, and slithered over to his father. Secundus’s horn lit up with its black and white aura. He bent down, and touched his horn to Albert’s forehead. A flood of sounds and images filed Albert’s mind, showing as much of humanity as Secundus was able to fit into a fifteen-minute slideshow. When he was done, Albert had a huge smile. “Wow!” Albert said. “They’re just … wow!”
“Yep!” Secundus replied with a grin. “Don’t tell me I’m raising a reverse brony?”
Albert chuckled. “I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t want to be a human, they’re just … fascinating.”
“Yes, Spock,” teased Secundus.
“Albert thought for a minute. “When you were showing me stuff, some of the humans were playing a … game? I think it’s a game. It had a white ball and a … tree branch?”
“Baseball?” asked Secundus. “What about it?”
“So, could we Papa? Please?!” Albert begged Thorax.
Thorax sighed. “I don’t know. It sounds like you need a lot of space to play this.”
Secundus shrugged. “You don’t need Candlestick Park to play baseball, you can do it in your yard if you want. We’re not exactly short on acreage out here. I never got to play baseball with my dad.”
“So, is that a yes?” asked Albert slyly.
Secundus started to stammer. “In the first place, it’s not the right season for baseball quite yet. In the second place, I’m supposed to limit cultural contamination. I mean, I do bring some contamination all the time accidentally, or by just existing, but if I can avoid it, I should. In the third place, you need teams for baseball, and I don’t know if any of the Changelings would want to play it. In the fourth place, … maybe we could make it work,” he sighed, giving into the hatchling snake eyes Albert was giving him. “I’ll just go and find a place I can conjure up a baseball field,” he muttered. “I hate when you do that to me, you get it from your papa.”
“Do you want to play?” asked Albert.
Secundus cringed. “I’d love to, but unless I use magic, I’m not exactly what you could call coordinated. Since I’m the only one who knows all the rules, I think I should be the umpire. Why don’t you play against your papa?”
Albert grinned.
“ARE YOU BLIND?!!” roared Thorax. “That ball was out by a mile!!”
Secundus calmly said, “The ‘out’ line was clearly defined. If you have a problem with my rulings, play better.”
All the Changelings had stopped playing, and were watching this exchange with interest. Most of them weren’t even bothering to hide their grins.
Thorax flew up so that he was eye level with his husband, giving Secundus his version of the Stare. It had no effect. The two of them literally locked horns as Thorax headbutted Secundus and started to push him backwards. “I can’t believe you!” Thorax shouted. “You’re just cheating in Albert’s team’s favor so that he’ll win! How can you do that?!” He then stopped pushing Secundus, and started to snicker.
Secundus said, “Moosey, it’s just a game. I wasn’t cheating, that hit was in. Cornicle can still make a run, assuming anyling wants to play still?” he shouted the last part at the crowd. The Changelings all nodded, chatting happily. Secundus blew a whistle around his neck. “PLAY BALL!”
All the Changelings trotted or flew back into the Hive, discussing what they all thought about the slightly strange game they’d just played. Secundus overheard Aphid say to Thalamus, “That was even better than buckball!” Secundus grinned, thinking they were right. Thorax and Albert walked/slithered into Secundus and Thorax’s room trailing mud and grass.
“Right,” Secundus said to the two of them, pointing out the door, “Showers, now. There’s going to be a run on the hot water and the springs in a minute.”
Thorax gave Secundus a kiss before bringing a hoof up and dragging dirt along Secundus’s nose. “That was really a lot of fun!” he said over Secundus wrinkling his muzzle.
“Yeah,” said Secundus, “It was one of my favorite games. I think the Hive needed a fun day out. Although between most of the Hive going skating this morning, and the whole Hive playing or watching baseball this afternoon, everyling’s going to be exhausted tomorrow.” He reached out and tapped Thorax on the snout. “Boop! Anyways, I believe you promised Albert a Q. and A. on Changeling history?”
Thorax nodded. “I did, yes. Keep in mind most of the early stuff has been hoofed down as word of mouth for millennia, so it’s as much legend as truth.” Albert nodded. “Right!” Thorax said, “Do you want the long version or the short version?”
“The short version to start with,” said Albert.
Thorax cleared his throat, and sat down. “Almost 2,000 years ago, the first true Changelings arose. These were the Changeling Elders, and the young Changeling who would one day become Queen Chrysalis. In those days, Changelings were born starving. The Elders found that pony food, or meat, or fruit could neve fully satisfy their ravenous hunger. The Changeling looked upon the ponies with a deep envy. Changelings believed themselves superior to ponies, even the lowliest drone could fly as fast as a Pegasus, could hone their magical abilities as well as a Unicorn, was as strong as an Earth Pony, could sense the emotions of those around them, and could shapeshift into almost anything they could imagine. If they could do all these, why were these limited ponies so much happier, and more prosperous?”
Thorax gave a nervous laugh. “OK, no Changeling has thought of ponies as a lower lifeform for years, this was way back when in the days of yore,” he said, gesturing with his hooves. He cleared his throat again. “Anyway, on with the story. Chrysalis was and is the most cunning Changeling to have lived. She discovered the reason that ponies were so happy and prosperous, something the Changelings believed themselves to be lacking: love, the purest and most powerful emotion. Chrysalis discovered that this was the key to the ponies’ happiness, she discovered that Changelings could feed on love and that it could truly satisfy their hunger for a short while.
“When the Two Sisters discovered that Changelings were draining ponies of their love, they cast them out of pony society, exiling them to the Badlands. In defiance, Chrysalis swore to build a kingdom as prosperous as that of the Two Sisters. She and the Changeling Elders commanded the very dust of the Badlands to form into the new home of the Changelings: a semi-living Hive that would thwart, mislead, and trap any pony foalish enough to enter it. (OK, noling is sure exactly how they built the Hive, but it’s a cool legend.) In recognition for her accomplishments, the Changelings made Chrysalis Queen of the Hive.
“For reasons unknown, the Changeling Elders left the Hive, fading into myth and story. Chrysalis was now the Queen and mother of the Changelings, laying and caring for her broods. Yes, Sec, she’s my mother, happy now?” Thorax snapped slightly, rolling his eyes.
“After a few centuries of foalnapping ponies to impersonate them and feed on their loved ones’ love and … other misdeeds … the Changelings decided to invade Canterlot. Chrysalis chose to impersonate Princess Cadence, using her and her fiancé Shining Armor to get to Celestia. To make the story a bit shorter, Shining Armor’s little sister, Twilight Sparkle stopped the invasion. I was … part of the invasion force,” Thorax said, his ears drooping. “When I saw what we were doing to the ponies, how scared they were, I decided to leave the Hive. When we were throw back to the Badlands after the invasion failed, I ran away and didn’t look back.
“I wandered Equestria for a few years on my own, always hiding what I was, usually starving. Then Cadence and Shining Armor had a daughter, Flurry Heart. The Crystal Empire was now filled with more love than a Changeling could ever eat, and I was drawn there like a magnet. While there, I met Spike. Spike the Brave and Glorious!” proclaimed Thorax, his eyes shining with excitement. “He showed me how amazing friendship was, I’d never had a friend before, even though I’d always wanted one.
“When Spike’s friends found out I was a Changeling, after a … mishap, he stood up for me, and then his friends did too. I was able to live in the Crystal Empire, and discover more about friendship, in the hopes I could bring it back to the Hive. I found that freely given friendship was more satisfying the stolen love. For the first time in my life I wasn’t hungry!
“Then, Chrysalis returned. She foalnapped the Princesses, Shining and Cadence, Twilight and her friends, anypony who could have stood up to her. When I saw my friend being foalnapped, I flew to Ponyville to find Twilight, but it was too late. Starlight Glimmer, Trixie Lulamoon, Discord and I went to the Hive to free our friends. When we faced Chrysalis, Starlight gave me the idea to share the love I’d found. I did, and wound up like this.” Thorax pointed at himself. “Almost all the Changelings shared love and transformed, and Chrysalis fled.
“I became King of the Hive, and did my best to do right by the Changelings. I also continued to have adventures with Twilight and her friends, who helped me put the Hive in order, including sorting out some rogue Changelings. About a year later, your dad fell from the sky. Literally,” laughed Thorax. “He wound up in a crater near Ponyville. He had to find himself due to some weird Draconequus thingy, which Twilight and Discord helped him to do. One day I went to visit Twilight, and since your dad was living with her at the time, I met him too. I’d never met anyone like him before, he was very … intriguing. Twilight and Princess Cadence sort of tricked us into our first date, and we wound up falling in love.”
“It took King Sombra foalnapping your papa to for me to realize he was my mate,” Secundus cut in with a grin. “Before that we were just coltfriends. That’s a story for another time. I saved the day, helped reform Sombra, blah, blah, blah. A few years later you came along, and now here we are, one big happy family.” Secundus gave Thorax a smirk “By the way, your ‘short version’ was almost two pages long.”
Thorax chuckled. “There’s no way of knowing how much of that early Changeling history is actually true, a lot of it came from Chrysalis. Any questions?”
Albert thought for a minute. “Since she does so much, is Twilight like a goddess?”
Secundus guffawed. “No. She’s just very involved in the narrative of Equestria.”
Albert asked Thorax, “Were you scared when you had to break into the Hive?”
Thorax chuckled and nodded. “Terrified, yes.”
“Is Chrysalis still out there?”
Thorax looked uncomfortable. “Most likely, yes, she is. The legends aren’t kidding when they call her crafty. If she’s smart, she’ll lie low and not try anything. If she does, your dad has my express permission to kick her flank.”
Secundus chuckled. “I can’t be the deus ex machina of every story. I prefer to leave the flank-kicking and reforming to the professionals. Anything else you’d like to know Albert?”
“Actually, yeah. Could you teach me more about humans? They’re pretty cool.”
“Cool?” mouthed Thorax. Secundus shrugged. “Yes, if you’d like me to. I don’t know if I have the right words for it, it would be a lot easier to…” One of the bioluminescent lures that served as the Hive’s interior lighting flickered brighter over Secundus’s head. “Thorax, is that storage room in ‘I’ Wing still empty?” Thorax nodded. “Right. Both of you, meet me there. After you shower,” Secundus laughed. He then proclaimed, “Dichotomy, dualism, duplex. Dichotomy, dualism, duplex!” A portal opened in front of Secundus, and he stepped through it. Thorax and Albert heard him start to hack out a lung. “Good Lord, I need to dust in here!” *Choke!*Wheeze!* “WHO REORGANZIED MY TIE RACK?!” Then he was gone.
“He’s … going to his realm?” asked Albert uncertainly.
Thorax shrugged. “Apparently.”
“I thought he hated it there.”
Thorax shook his head. “No, he actually loves his realm, he just hates being alone in it for long periods. Really hates it,” Thorax said, wincing at the memory of Secundus having a breakdown in his room at three A.M.
“So what’s he doing in it?” asked Albert.
Thorax grinned. “I have no idea. Race you to the showers!”
“Eat my dust, four legs!” shouted Albert, streaking out the door. Thorax laughed, and flew after his son.
After a lengthy wait to clean off, Thorax and Albert descended to the lower levels of the Hive to meet Secundus. Thorax noticed that the storage room now had a freshly-installed door. Only one individual in the Hive liked doors for privacy. Thorax raised a hoof and knocked. “Come in!” called a double voice. Thorax and Albert walked/slithered into the room and their jaws dropped. Secundus was surrounded not by piles, but by towers of books that took up the whole room and nearly reached the ceiling. Secundus had a small sack on the floor in front of him, and was quickly pulling even more books out of it. The sack looked too small to hold even the books he was currently pulling out. As he pulled out a book, he’d glance at the title, name a subject or genre, and toss the book into the appropriate pile. “Art, history, philosophy, fiction, political science, astronomy, mythology … hi you two,” Secundus said, giving a wave.
“Dad, what is all this?” asked Albert.
“I told you I didn’t have the right words to describe humans accurately, so I thought I’d let them describe themselves in their own words!” Secundus said with a grin. “My family always said research is the answer to your problems. I tried to describe humanity from every angle you could want. You might want to take Nietzsche in small doses, but to be fair, he lived during a really depressing time in human history, so I can’t really blame him. You … uh, … don’t have to read them all … at … once,” Secundus said, his voices trailing off at he glanced at the mountains of books he’d made.
“Where did you get this many human books?” Albert asked eagerly.
Secundus smiled. “Well, I can’t visit Earth for at least a thousand years, but the library in my realm connects to the Draconequine Central Library System, which can get you any book in the multiverse, provided you know what to ask for. It’s pretty cool,” Secundus grinned. “The gods wouldn’t be cruel enough to cut me off from books. Actually, they aren’t cruel at all.”
“This is awesome!” grinned Albert.
Thorax pulled down a book and flipped through it. “Some of this stuff seems pretty advanced. Do you think Albert would understand all of it?” Seeing Albert and Secundus’s expressions, Thorax sighed and said, “I wasn’t calling him stupid or anything. For being only a year old, Albert’s actually one of the smartest Changelings or ponies I’ve met, but I think philosophy will go over his head.”
Secundus shrugged. “It goes over my head, and gives me a headache. It’s just there if he wants it. I’m not expecting him to understand all of this, or be an expert on humanity overnight. Humans aren’t experts on humanity. This is just the best way I could think of to teach Albert about humans.”
Thorax laughed, giving in. “All right, all right, you win. It actually is a good idea. So … can I read some of this?” Thorax asked slyly, a large grin on his muzzle.
“Sure!” Secundus replied. He passed Thorax and Albert a key to the door each. “You’re my mate and my son, which means you get special privileges. It’s fine that the rest of the Hive knows I was human, but I’d get in trouble if they read these. Don’t lock yourself in here for ‘research’ Albert, I’m not going to fall for that. Anyway, enjoy you two! I have a lot of recommendations I could make.” Secundus spotted something, and grinned evilly. “Hey Albert? Do you want me to read you my favorite book from when I was your … uh … age?” Secundus finished uncertainly. He wasn’t sure what age Albert actually was since he still thought of him as one, he just usually guessed “early teens.” Albert still had a lot to learn about life, the world, and everything, even if it wasn’t obvious when you first met him.
“Thanks!” said Albert. “Is it a cool book?”
“The coolest!” replied Secundus.
“Have fun you two!” Thorax trotted out of the room, a stack of books levitating in front of him. Secundus curled up on the floor, and Albert curled up next to him. Secundus opened the book and began to read.
Half an hour later, Thorax trotted into the new library. “How’s it going?” He then screamed when he saw the cover of the book. “What are you reading him?!”
Secundus paused. “You heard me. My favorite book from when I was around his age. It’s a modern fairytale of sorts. It’s really good.”
“Ok then,” said Thorax nervously, shooting glances at the book as he left the room.
Secundus started reading again, changing his voices for different characters.
“Why does she want me?” Coraline asked the cat. “Why does she want me to stay here with her?”
“She wants something to love, I think,” said the cat. “Something that isn’t her. She might want something to eat as well. It’s hard to tell with creatures like that.”
The day and night slowly wore on for the two of them, and even Thorax snuck back in to hear some of the stories.
One afternoon in early March, Thorax was walking through the Hive gardens, admiring the new growth that was starting to show. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Secundus. Secundus was stretched out in a lazy coil on the ground, rolling around and twitching happily, purring deeply. Thorax stalked over. “Did you get into the catnip again?!” he shouted.
Secundus pointed at the sky. “SSsssuunnn…” he purred.
Thorax chuckled. “Happy Spring to you too. I’m sorry we didn’t do the ‘Winter Wrap-up’ song, but the seasons pretty much happen by themselves way out here.”
Secundus chuckled. “It’s fine. I’m sorry that I’ve been a misery these past few months.”
Thorax smiled. “It’s not your fault, it just happens. Chemistry, right? I’m pretty used to your Winter funks by now. Trust me, you’ve gotten better between last year and this year. Shall I leave you two alone together?” Thorax teased.
Secundus smiled, and leaned back. “If you wouldn’t mind. It’s been months.”
Thorax nodded, and left his husband basking in the sun. As he headed into the Hive to catch up on paperwork, he noticed Albert stretched out on a rock, snoozing peacefully. Like father, like son, Thorax thought with a laugh.
Later that day, Secundus was helping some of the eighteen-year-old (nine in Changeling years) nymphs practice their shapeshifting. He was walking around the chamber, mostly observing, wearing a pair of genuine x-ray specs. He commented, “OK, Phalange, that’s pretty good, but you want to change your internal anatomy to match as well.”
Phalange shifted from a lime-green pony filly back to a lime-green Changeling colt, an annoyed look on his face. “I hate being a pony,” he complained. “I feel like I’m inside out!”
Secundus nodded. “I know, I’ve heard that from all the adult Changelings as well. It’s just important that your alternate shapes be complete and convincing. A really good shape-shifter can pass a pony blood test with flying colors. Not so easy when your natural blood is blue.”
“Why do we even need to practice shape-shifting?!” another colt asked a bit angrily. “We don’t even have Scouts anymore! We don’t need to hide ourselves anymore, ponies accept us for who we are!”
Secundus smiled. “Yes, for which I’m very grateful. However, shapeshifting is an important aspect of Changeling nature and biology, so it’s important to keep it up, and to practice it. Besides, it’s fun!” he pronounced, turning into a large blue and gold Changeling stallion with black eyes and small dark blue antlers similar to Thorax’s. “Now normally I can’t sense emotions, but when I’m in this shape, physically I am a Changeling, so I can. That’s how shapeshifting should work, you become the thing you’re pretending to be.”
“But you’re a Draconequus,” pointed out a young female.
Secundus nodded. “Yes, which means my magic is fundamentally different from a Changeling’s, but the principle still applies. Now, keep practicing, and I’ll check on your progress,” Secundus said as he shifted back into his preferred form.
After a few minutes, Secundus started feeling nauseous. He clutched his stomach, and his cheeks bulged.
“Uh, you OK there your Highness?” asked Phalange.
“Don’t call me ‘your Highness,’” Secundus croaked. “I’m fine, just give me a second.” His mouth opened further. “WAH-CHOO!” Black and white flames shot out of his mouth, along with a scroll, which he caught. “I’ve never sneezed correspondence before,” he said with a sniff. Secundus glanced at the scroll. “It’s a letter from Twilight.” He looked at the assembled nymphs. “Class dismissed, try not to be too happy about it. Same time next week!” The nymphs cheered and scattered.
Secundus read the mercifully short letter. “Secundus, I don’t know if you’re in Equestria, on business, or just out exploring for kicks, but could you con and see me today? I have some important news for you. Your friend/mentor/unfortunate occasional victim, Twilight Sparkle. P.S. I’m standing in front of a huge pit of spikes, so don’t try the whole turning-up-behind-me thing.”
Secundus grinned evilly. He popped out to the gardens and flagged Thorax down. “Twilight wants to talk to me, I shouldn’t be too long.”
“Bring me back one of those amazing apple fritters!” Thorax begged/commanded.
Secundus saluted. “As you wish!”
Twilight was waiting patiently in the basement of the castle when she felt a rush of air above and behind her. She looked and saw Secundus standing about three feet in the air, smirking slightly. Twilight facehoofed. “I actually forgot that gravity is optional for you,” she groaned .
“Mm-hmm,” Secundus said, looking beneath him. True to Twilight’s word, there really was a huge pit of spikes directly below him. “You weren’t kidding,” Secundus commented. His nostrils twitched slightly at the smell hitting them, his eyes growing wide with horror as he worked out what those reddish-brown stains were. “Uh, Twilight?” Secundus asked slowly and carefully, “Why does the Castle of Friendship have a huge, bloody pit of spikes in the basement? Has Sombra relapsed?!” Secundus was starting to panic. “Have you gone to the Dark Side?! Snap out of it Twilight, the power isn’t worth it! Oh, gods, what if I have to fight you, I don’t want to-”
Twilight cut off Secundus’s panic attack with an evil grin. “Got you!” she said in a sing-song. Twilight’s horn glowed, and the illusion snapped out of existence.
Secundus’s jaw nearly hit the floor. “That was illusion magic?!” Twilight nodded. “Wow. That was seriously impressive. Do you have any idea how hard it is to fool a Draconequus’s sense of smell?!”
Twilight nodded. “Isn’t it how you identify each other, since none of you really have a fixed shape?”
Secundus nodded. “Apparently, I smell like ink, paper, marengo, and a dash of insanity. Our sense of smell is also how we recognize things like magic, and the specific type of magic it is. The fact that you could make me smell something that isn’t there is way impressive. Why a huge pit of spikes?”
Deep, warm laughter that still sounded slightly sinister filled the room. Sombra stepped out of the shadows. Secundus had to give him credit, he was at least trying really hard to not accidentally appear evil these days. “Sorry,” Sombra said, not looking sorry at all, “That was my idea as a memento to your setting of every single trap I built into the Crystal Palace.” Secundus chuckled at that memory. Sombra shrugged. “Twilight just said she wanted to get you back for some of your practical jokes.” Sombra then looked Secundus dead in the eye and said, “You don’t have to worry about me ever relapsing. I promised I wouldn’t ever go there again. Besides, you’re not the only one I promised,” Sombra said, walking over and giving Twilight a nuzzle.
Twilight beamed. “I’ve been licensed to kick his flank if he so much as looks at dark magic again.” She levitated over a card.
Secundus put on a pair of reading glasses and squinted at the familiar frilly hornwriting. He read the first few words aloud. “”I, Celestia, hereby authorize Twilight Sparkle to-‘ Good grief. She really did give you a license. Say what you want about Celestia, she has a sense of humor. It’s not as obvious or as warped as mine or Discord’s but it is there. “
Secundus saw the mush eyes Sombra and Twilight were giving each other. He said, “You know, for you vaporizing him the first time you met, and him foalnapping you the second time, you two worked out pretty well as a couple. “
“I didn’t vaporize him!” Twilight shouted.
Secundus smirked. “Are you really going to blame Spike for it?”
“It did hurt,” Sombra said, trying to stay polite. “A LOT.”
I was stuck in a tower!” Twilight snapped. I didn’t … augh! Never mind!”
Secundus remembered the way Sombra had looked on the show when it had happened and winced. He then thought about the Changelings being blown back to the Badlands right before then. More to himself than to anypony else, he said, “You kind of have to admire a species that figured out a way to weaponize love. Sorry for bringing that up,” Secundus said. “I just meant that I’m happy for you two. What did you need to talk about? I was giving lessons. I teach shapeshifting to the younger Changelings. Apparently, I’m the best shapeshifter in the Hive, since I can be anything, physical or not, regardless of physics.”
“Good for you!” Twilight said with a beam. “I’m glad you putting your talents to use to teach younger generations. Actually, teaching is what I wanted to talk to you about. I’m pleased to tell you that Albert will be able to start attending the local high school, starting this summer! There isn’t exactly a high school in Ponyville, the students here combine with the school from Trotsby. It’s close enough that most of the students walk it.”
“That explains why you never saw any teen-agers on the sh-” Secundus cleared his throat. “Would it be possible to meet with Albert’s teachers? There’s some stuff I want them to know about him in advance so that it isn’t as much of a shock.”
“Teacher, not teachers,” Twilight said. “It’s a small school. One of the joys of living in a small town like Ponyville. That’s a really good idea, I’ll make an appointment with her for you.”
“Thank you,” Secundus replied.
Sombra cleared his throat. He looked uncomfortable and he wouldn’t meet Secundus’s eyes. “S-Secundus?” he asked in a small voice. For being a full-grown stallion and former evil tyrant, he looked like a scared and lost colt. It reminded Secundus of when he’d seen Sombra as a foal. “Can you see the future?” Sombra asked hesitantly.
Secundus sighed. “Well, there’s a duality between the past and the future, and even between the present and the future, so yes, if I want, I can see the future. I just prefer not to. Do you have any idea how much trouble I could get into for just looking at the future, let alone telling you about it?”
Sombra gave Secundus a desperate, pleading look. Secundus grit his teeth. “Fine, it’s not like I haven’t been dragged before the Council before. What do you want to know?”
“Just if we’ll be alright, that’s all. Say … ten years from now?”
Secundus groaned, and nodded. He sat down with his knees against his stomach and wrapped his tails around his legs. He put his palms on the ground, leaned back, closed his eyes, and concentrated. Out of habit, he decided to do the exact words thing, and chose to see Twilight and Sombra ten years from that exact day.
Twilight came down the stairs into the kitchen, where Prince Sombra was making breakfast. Some days, he still joked about it being a demotion, but he was honestly very grateful. When Twilight got to him, he extended a wing, and hugged her with it before giving her a kiss. Sombra’s wings were massive, and the inky black of a crow’s wings. Unlike his wife, he religiously groomed them every morning. His mane had grown out, even longer that it had been when he was a corrupted shadow. Distant lights shone in it, they could have been stars and nebulae or something else entirely. Sombra also sported a lengthy swirling goatee that put Secundus and Discord to shame, the same distant lights shone in it. His fangs had grown out so that they stuck out over his lower lip. He looked very serious and stern, until you saw the mischievous glint in his eye.
Sombra Ebon, Prince of [REDACTED] had ascended to Alicornhood due to his amazing work that [REDACTED] and had forever changed [REDACTED]. Ponies were still grateful to him.
“Morning, gorgeous,” Sombra said with a smile. Twilight rolled her eyes. Sombra set out three plates. “Harmony?” he called, “Are you coming?”
There was a rapid fluttering sound, and Harmony Dusk flew into the room. She was a dark grey, with a black mane and tail that had lilac and pink stripes. Her eyes were a bright green. She wasn’t the greatest flyer yet, but she was getting better, and was much better at controlling her magic.
As the family ate, Sombra noticed that Harmony was picking some of her vegetables out. He smirked, and his horn lit up. Shadows surrounded him, and in a perfect impression of his corrupted self, Sombra playfully growled, “If you don’t eat them … the Shadow King will have to eatyou!”
“EEEK!” Harmony squealed in playful fear. She spread her wings and flew off.
“Oh, no, you don’t!” Sombra chuckled. He flew after his daughter, still able to revel in his relatively new ability to fly.
The two of them played chase, laughing all the while. Just as Sombra was about to catch Harmony, …
Secundus snapped out of it. “Curses, I was just getting to the good part,” he grumbled. He threw his paws up. “I could have done without the redactions, but, that was probably Tempus just being kind. He hates it when anyone else knows the future.” Secundus finally noticed the look Twilight and Sombra were giving him. “WHAT?” he asked nervously.
“You, uh, wouldn’t stop laughing,” Twilight said carefully.
“I was worried you were going to break out into a song,” Sombra said. He may have been a reformed villain, but he still had standards to maintain. Besides, rock concerts in the shower didn’t count.
Secundus grinned. “I try to avoid that.” He shrugged. “This is Equestria, so it’s happened one or ten times. Sorry if I worried you, but I just…” he snickered. “That was very fun to watch.” I am socallinghim ‘Dadbra’if that future happens, Secundus thought evilly. I will call her ‘Momlight.’ Hmm. What’s their ship name again? Twibra? I guess my ship name would be Secax. Or Thorundus. Neither of those sound very good. I hate to think who the fandom would have shipped me with had I been a cannon character on the show.
Secundus then pulled out of his head, and remembered he was talking to somepony else. “Well?” asked Sombra insistently.
Secundus thought about what he could legally get away with, since there had been some obvious interference from someDraconequus with an interest in preserving the timeline. “Well, I work for the Spirit of Time, and I’m good friends with a pony who’s well-versed in Temporal Theory, so they’d tell me to tell you that just because you see a future doesn’t mean that it’s the future. But, if what I just saw comes to pass…” he grinned warmly. “I think you’ll be just fine.”
“You mean that’s it?!” Sombra shouted.
Secundus nodded. “Yes, like I said, I can get into trouble for telling you any more than that.” He then remembered something he’d premembered. “Your birthday is the 24th of May, right?” Sombra nodded. “OK, I’m really, really early, but…” Secundus held his paws about two feet apart, and something appeared between them. “Happy Birthday!”
Sombra took the object with interest. It was a circle of silvery metal a little larger than his head, without any obvious ornamentation.
“You’re giving him a crown?!” Twilight exclaimed.
Secundus shrugged. “Consider it an investment for the future.” He then thought of something. “Hey, Twilight, if you’re terrified of snakes how do you handle being around Albert so well?”
Twilight smiled. “Oh, that’s easy! Albert just looks a bit like a snake, he isn’t actually a snake.”
Secundus folded his arms. “Well, I look like a crummy O.C. that’s a poorly-disguised rip-off of Discord.”
“Exactly!” Twilight said with a smile. “You aren’t that at all. “
“I really, really hope not,” Secundus sighed. He stood up and stretched. “Well, thanks kids, it’s been a blast, I look forward to your scroll telling me when I can meet with Albert’s teacher. I’ve got a thing to do before I go home, but goodbye for now.”
Secundus snapped his fingers, and hopped over to Sweet Apple Acres. “Heyya, Sec!” called Applejack. “What can Ay do fer ya?”
“It’s probably the wrong season, but do you have any of those amazing apple fritters?”
Applejack nodded. “Yer just in time! How many would ya like?”
Secundus counted under his breath for a second. “Four-hundred-eighty-six, please.”
Applejack’s ear and eye twitched. “Say what now?”
Secundus gave a nervous grin. “I’m King of the Changelings, and I’d need to bring back enough for everyling.”
“Whoa, Nelly.” Applejack said.
As Secundus sat in the Hive munching on an amazing fritter, he realized something. He’d been allowed to see the future without winding up in some sort of divine bug zapper, the only thing that had happened was anything truly important had been carefully edited out. Maybe he could try again? He decided that he didn’t need to be omniscient, he just wanted to make sure his family would be all right this time. He closed his eyes and concentrated. Something was wrong with what he was seeing. He then tried to look at the present and the past as well and ran into the same issue. He opened his eyes. “That can’t possibly be right,” he muttered. Hmm. I need a Doctor.
In the Ponyville Clock Tower Secundus was standing on a frozen gear. The clock wasn’t running, it was being repaired. A light brown leg popped out of a mess of gears nearby. “Can you pass me the squiggly-whatsit?” asked a voice. Secundus passed him the squiggly-whatsit. The leg disappeared, and there were some thumping and banging sounds. The leg reappeared. “Screwdriver?” the voice asked. Secundus passed over a short, thin metal rod with a light on the end. The leg took it, and there was a high-pitched whirring noise. Doctor Whooves’s head popped out, he was covered in oil and grime. “There! That ought to do it!” he said happily. The clock started up again. The Doctor glanced at the reverse of the hands and noticed that it was about to chime the hour. He glanced up at the enormous bell right over his head. “Oh, BLA-”
Secundus snapped his fingers, and the two of them were standing on the street a few blocks away. The Doctor noticed that all of the oil, dust, and grime that had been covering him was gone, and his tie was freshly pressed. “Thank you,” he said.
Secundus shrugged. “Didn’t cost me anything.”
The Doctor then panicked. “Where’s my toolkit?!” Secundus held it up. The Doctor breathed a sigh of relief. “Sorry, it’s just that some of the tools in there are irreplaceable. Now, I can believe that you of all the beings I know would find clockwork genuinely interesting, but I get the feeling this isn’t a social call?” Secundus shook his head. The Doctor chuckled, “In that case, you’d better step into my office.”
The two of them walked over to the Whooves’ cottage, and into the backyard. In the yard was a tall blue box with windows, a door, a light on the top, and a sign that read, “Pony Public Call Box.” Hanging from the knob was a sign that read, “Out of Order.”
“What’s with the sign?” asked Secundus.
“Hmm? Oh, believe it or not, some colts tried to nick her.”
“Yeesh. That must have been an interesting conversation with their parents.” The Doctor chuckled and clicked his hooves. The door swung open. Secundus broke down and asked something he’d wondered for years. “Why do the door swing in when the sign says, ‘Pull to enter?’” The Doctor simply shrugged and walked into the TARDIS. Secundus hung around outside the door for a second. He then made a fist and knocked a quick pattern of four beats on the door.
The Doctor whirled around, a snarl on his muzzle, pawing the ground angrily with his hoof. He blinked when he saw it was just Secundus. He relaxed.
“Sorry,” said Secundus with a nervous look. “I’ve just always wanted to do that to a TARDIS, and I have poor impulse control.”
The Doctor chuckled. Thank Heavens, it was just Secundus being Secundus, there was no way he could know about… The Doctor blinked. On the other hoof, this was Secundus who seemed to know things about most ponies they didn’t know about themselves. It must be a Draconequus thing, there couldn’t be any other explanation.
Secundus looked at the door, and said, “May I enter?”
The Doctor nodded. “I said you could, yes.”
Secundus shrugged. “I wasn’t asking you, Sexy doesn’t like me very much. I can’t blame her, I’m … a bit eldritch at best. Oh, good, I can.”
Dr. Whooves raised an eyebrow. “You speak TARDIS?”
“Well, I’m not exactly fluent, since she has to really dumb things down for me, but I can pick up her basic meaning.” Secundus walked into the TARDIS and looked around with interest. “You’ve redecorated. I like it.”
Dr. Whooves chuckled. “So, what did you want to talk about?”
“Oh, well, I can view the future if I want to, and before you lecture me, I know all the reasons that’s a bad idea. Just out of curiosity, I tried seeing a future related to me, but something was wrong with it.”
“Wrong, how? What did you see?”
Secundus thought for a minute. He then picked the Doctor up and brought him to his head level. “Really, really sorry about this,” he said with an apologetic grin. He headbutted the Doctor. He set the Doctor on the floor, tried to clear the stars from his eyes, and groaned, “OwowOW! I am NEVER doing that again!!”
The Doctor rubbed his forehead and winced. He analyzed what Secundus had shown him. “I don’t see what the problem is, it’s a pretty standard future. Actually, it’s kind of nice. What’s wrong with it?”
“It’s not what’s in it, it’s what’s not in it. What’s not in the timeline at all if you go looking for it. That worried me.”
The Doctor shrugged. “I’ve always believed that worrying just means you suffer twice. My advice is to just let the future handle itself.”
Secundus nodded. He then asked, “Just out of curiosity, where’s Gallopfrey? I’ve never seen it in my travels.”
“It’s just gone,” the Doctor said with a pained look. He waved a hoof under Secundus’s nose. “I know you can time travel, so don’t go looking for it! It’s for the best.”
“Relax, I don’t time travel unless it’s a universe-ending emergency, I don’t do it for fun. I know what could happen if I mess with time. Thank you for the advice.”
As Secundus was preparing to leave, the Doctor said, “In your travels, have you ever met a Gallopfreyan called the Master?”
Secundus shook his head. “I haven’t had that displeasure yet, but if I ever do, I’m asking for his autograph.”
The Doctor’s mouth dropped open. “WHY?!”
“I like watching him dance,” Secundus said with a grin that made the Doctor want to hide behind the couch. “Besides, I kind of have to admire somepony who can leave behind that impressive a smoking crater. Anyways, he was your stallion crush when you both went to the Academy, right?” The Doctor blushed and nodded. “Thanks Doc. Catch you later.” He disappeared back to parts unknown.
That evening, Secundus was heading down to the lower levels of the Hive, looking for Albert. He smelled him in a cavern in the lowest level. He walked in. “Hey, Albert, Thorax said you were in here, and I was wondering if – AAAIIIIEEEEEEEUUUGGHH!” He screamed.
Secundus dashed out into the hall and thumped a paw against his chest in a vain attempt to get his right heartrate to slow down. OK, don’t panic. You’ve faced worse. You’ve stared down a charging Ystlptiq for crying out loud! You can handle a couple … hundred … sp – he couldn’t bring himself to even think the word.
He nervously walked back into the cavern, and nearly fainted. “Hi, Dad.” Albert wondered why his dad was radiating terror in visible waves. Secundus wished he could press against the wall, but it was occupied. His fur was puffed up in an attempt to make himself look bigger, and his tails were thrashing nervously. “What’s wrong?” Albert asked.
Secundus wasn’t looking at him and was talking to himself in an attempt to stay sane. “I love snakes. I think rats are adorable. Monster clowns just make me laugh. I’ve met with horrors from beyond spacetime and had tea and scones with them. SO WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE SPIDERS?!!!” he screamed. The entire cavern was filled with what must have been every spider in the Badlands, crawling all over the floor, walls, and ceiling, and even Albert.
“What’s the matter?” Albert asked.
“I HATE spiders,” Secundus said through clenched teeth.
“Why?”
“Because me dad’s house was full of them, and he thought it was funny to feed me to them, alright?!” Secundus hissed, clicking in the back of his throat. “One time I had an allergic reaction so bad I wound up in the hospital for two days, so forgive me if I haven’t liked them since then. They remind me of him.”
“Oh,” was all Albert said to that. “Do you want me to get rid of them?”
“Where did they all come from?!”
Albert shrugged. “I found one and wanted to see some more. A few minutes later they all showed up.”
“Great, I’ve got a son who grants wishes with one of the things I hate most.” Secundus held out a meter and ran it above Albert’s head. It didn’t even tick. “Well, you still don’t have any magic, so gods know how you even did this.”
“Sorry,” Albert said.
Secundus sighed. “I’m not mad at you at all, I actually think it’s pretty cool that you can summon spiders somehow. I just wish it didn’t have to be spiders is the thing. I just need a way to deal with this.” His ear flicked at something only he could hear. “Would it be alright if I did something a bit unusual? I need to get over my fear, and it would help. It’ll be kind of fun to watch, too.”
Albert nodded, looking forward to whatever was coming. Secundus closed his eyes for a minute. When he opened them, his irises were a glowing yellow. Albert was worried by something he felt, he couldn’t read his dad’s emotions any more, it was like he wasn’t there. Secundus started to beat time with his right paw, his left lion’s paw taping out a beat on the floor. Music started to fill the cavern, Secundus counting under his breath. His left paw began to twist and turn like he was playing with a marionette, and the spiders all began to dance.
Secundus began to loosen up, and even enjoy himself, getting into the rhythm of the song and dance. The spiders were very impressive dancers, and Secundus was singing a bit. “And you’ll be in my spider dance, spider dance…” It was a pretty good song. Albert thought the banjo solos were a bit strange, but his dad had strange taste in everything. *The spiders all clapped along to the beat.*
Albert blinked when he realized he wasn’t imagining it. The white was draining out of his dad’s mane and beard, leaving them black. It made him look few years younger. Secundus was acting like a slightly different Draconequus, but was clearly enjoying himself, so Albert didn’t worry. When the song was done, Secundus bowed, and all the spiders curtsied. Secundus then shook himself, his coloring returning to normal. Secundus then snapped his fingers, and the room was now full of flies and insects for the spiders to eat.
“Why’d you do that?” Albert asked.
“When you use or borrow an animal like that, you have to pay it back to them, or you’re just being cruel. A witch named Weatherwax taught me that. The books are in the science fiction section of the human library, under PRAT. It’s my favorite series, and if you don’t like it, I will cast you out into the treacherously predictable Equestrian weather to fend for yourself,” Secundus said with a grin, clearly not meaning it at all. Albert laughed. “Well, that was honestly kind of fun,” Secundus said.
“So, can I keep them?” asked Albert.
Secundus winced. He then said, “Alright. But you’re feeding them. And cleaning out their cages and litterboxes. And taking them for walks. And-”
“Daaad!” groaned Albert.
Secundus chuckled. “Yes, you can keep them. By the way, a spider’s favorite food is spider, so you might want to find a way to keep them apart. Come on, my snaky son, let’s go get dinner.”
A few days later, Secundus coughed up a scroll from Twilight telling him the time and place to meet with Albert’s teacher. Thorax trotted downstairs to meet him. He looked all around but couldn’t see him anywhere. A throat was cleared. “Over here,” said a small voice.
A pony trotted out of the shadows. He was a bit short for a stallion, and his coat was a dark blue with splotches of sunny yellow like somepony had thrown paint on him. He had a long spiky mane that was black on one half and white on the other. His tail was stripes of black and white. His right eye was sky blue, and his left eye was a deep yellow. His short horn was a light grey, and his cutie mark was a yin and yang symbol. He was wearing a collar and black tie. “How do I look?” he asked nervously.
Thorax sighed. “That’s still a bit blatantly obvious, Sec.”
Secundus sighed and looked down at his hooves. “Yeah, I know.”
“Why are you trying to go like that? Are you ashamed or something?”
Secundus’s mouth dropped open. “No, of course not! This isn’t for me, it’s for her. I … know how ponies react when a Draconequus they don’t know suddenly appears. I thought this might make a better first impression. That’s all.”
Thorax sighed. “I can understand that, but you should really go as yourself, that’s the best way to do it.”
Secundus nodded. He yelped when a lilac aura surrounded him, and Thorax squished him into a hug/snuggle. “You are too cute when you’re smaller than me!” Thorax squealed.
Secundus huffed in irritation. “Please. If I was my real size, I’d crack the planet in half.”
Thorax chuckled. He then realized that Secundus hadn’t been joking. “Really?” he asked in surprise.
Secundus nodded. “That fluffy noodle you’re married to is technically just my favorite mask. It’s … complicated. I’m glad you still think I’m cute, though. I’ve got to go.” His horn lit up, and he was gone.
Secundus appeared in front of the Trotsby High School main door. He was back in his Draconequus form and was still wearing the tie. Since this was Equestria, he wasn’t wearing anything else. He walked in and found the room he was looking for. He knocked on the door.
A dark pink mare with a grey mane looked up from her desk. “You’re Secundus, Albert’s father?”
Secundus nodded. “One of them, yes.” He noticed the slight way she flinched. “Are you Mrs. Flintheart?”
“Yes, it’s a pleasure to meet you, won’t you sit down?” Even in a chair, Secundus was still too tall. “What did you want to talk to me about?”
Secundus thought about where to begin. “Well, Albert is very … unique. I just thought I should tell you a bit about him. Maybe I should start with his appearance, or … actually, the first thing I should start with is the fact that he has some sensory issues that make life a bit hard for him.”
Mrs. Flintheart plastered on a smile. “Oh. He does?” she said.
Secundus stalked through a portal home. It didn’t technically have a door, but he still slammed it, the sound echoing in the Hive. Thorax looked up from the cookies he was baking. Uh, oh. He thought. Aloud he said, “That’s your ‘I am this close to wiping all so-called intelligent life off the face of Equestria’ slouch.” He held his hooves a few millimeters apart.
Secundus faced his husband in surprise. “I know whatever I’m feeling is written all over me in ten-foot neon letters, but I have a slouch for that?!”
Thorax nodded. “Mmm-hmm. What happened?”
Secundus took off his tie and sighed. “Well, I met with Albert’s teacher today, as you know.”
“And-?” prompted Thorax.
“I’m pretty sure she’s an orc in a pony skin-suit.” Secundus groaned.
Thorax snickered. “And you didn’t take a Ring of Revealing?” he teased.
Secundus snickered at the memories that brought up. Discord and Spike had invited the two of them to a Guy’s Night campaign of Ogres and Oubliettes, since Thorax enjoyed it when he lived in the Crystal Empire, and Secundus had never played. Even Shining Armor had shown up to play. Secundus picked up the rules really quickly. Since it was his first time playing, before the second campaign, Spike had innocently asked if Secundus might like a turn as the Dungeon Master. Nopony had walked out of that dungeon alive. Secundus’s cackling maniacally the entire time hadn’t helped matters. He hadn’t been invited back yet, but Thorax kept assuring him that the rest of the group was considering it.
Secundus then sighed. “Well, it’s my fault. I’m the one who thought he should go to a pony school to learn social interaction a bit better than I can teach him at home. Do you think it will be OK?”
Thorax nodded. “I’m sure he’ll be fine, he’s our son. He can handle just about anything. Now refresh my memory. Do I put the butter in before or after I bake these?”
Secundus facepawed. Thorax had asked him to teach him how to cook, since he was interested in it, but since he’d never needed to eat pony food, he was dismal at it. Secundus loved his husband dearly, but some of those meals probably should have killed him. “Be right there!” he called, tying an apron around himself.
As they baked, Secundus said, “Oh. I put a portal between Ponyville and the Hive into place for Albert. The doors are isomorphic, so they’ll only open for him. He can decide where he wants the doors to be, and what they’ll look like later.”
“Um, wouldn’t you have to know where they are and what they look like before you put them in?” asked Thorax.
“What and do things the rational way?” grinned Secundus. Thorax rolled his eyes.
The day after the meeting, Secundus, Thorax, and Albert were all curled up reading, when Secundus’s ear twitched of its own accord. He sniffed a few times.
“What’s up?” asked Thorax
“Shh…” There was a distant rumble. Secundus pumped his fist. “EEyes! Summer thunderstorm! Albert, do you want to see what a thunderstorm looks like up close?”
Albert grinned. Thorax turned a little pale. “I’m not sure that’s safe,” he said.
Secundus shrugged. “I’ll take an umbrella,” he said, holding one up.
“That’s not what I-” Secundus and Albert disappeared. “Meant,” finished Thorax with a sigh. He gave his wings a few buzzes to warm them up and flew out of the Hive and into the sky in search of his family.
He spotted them right in the heart of the storm. Lightning was crashing around them, and thunder was roaring. Both Albert and Secundus had headphones on, and Secundus was shouting to be heard over the storm. “Now what causes lightning is all of the turbulence in the air causes the molecules in the air to vibrate and rub together. If they spark the right way, they generate lightning. The thunder is caused by the heat and force of the lightning ripping the air currents around it apart.”
Thorax flopped onto the cloud next to Albert, panting a bit. “Can your science lectures be slightly less life-threatening from now on?” he got out. “Some of us are mortal.”
“I’m mortal,” said Albert. “Well, half-mortal, anyway.”
“Sorry,” said Secundus, “I’ve just always loved thunderstorms. WHOOOO!” he cheered as a bolt of lightning zipped by. “Hey, want to dance?” he asked his family.
“You want to dance in this?” Thorax asked in shock.
Secundus nodded. “You have to dance in a storm, otherwise, what’s the point? Hmm. How can I dance with two of you?” He then snapped his fingers and split into two copies of himself. The copy on the right looked like Secundus always looked, but the copy on the left was slightly different. Its eyes were a glowing yellow, and its beard and mane were jet black, which made it look a bit younger than Secundus. It turned to the normal -looking Secundus, and in a horrible impression of Gollum, said, “What shall wese dance to?”
The normal-looking Secundus thought about it. “A song to end the world to,” he said with a smile.
The other Secundus grinned and held out a paw. He shot a bolt of rainbow-colored lightning into the clouds surrounding them. The lightning started to look a bit more like strobe lights. A song that the world had in fact ended to (Sort of) began to play.
The normal looking Secundus took Albert’s hoof, and began to dance with him, while the oddly colored one grabbed Thorax and began to dance with him. Thorax noticed that he couldn’t read this Secundus’s emotions. At all. It was like he wasn’t there. He glanced at the Secundus dancing with Albert and could read him just fine. He noticed something else about the two of them. Secundus was without question and by his own admission, the worst dancer in the Hive. He was possibly the worst dancer in all Equestria, Twilight had greatly improved since Sombra had started teaching her dance. The Secundus dancing with Albert was simply having a fun time being goofy and dancing horribly. The Secundus dancing with Thorax was dancing very well, with ease. He was staring at Thorax with an almost predatory smirk. Thorax got the distinct impression he was being hunted.
When the song was over, both versions of Secundus bowed to their partner. The normal colored one then grabbed the other by the scruff of his neck, and said, “Right, come on, you.” The other Secundus looked very disappointed before they merged back together.
Secundus looked at his family and smiled. “Well, thank you both for that. That’s probably enough crazy for one night. Let’s go home and put your papa to bed, OK Albert?” Albert nodded.
Early the morning after the strange dance, Secundus looked at Albert and said, “Right. Slither hither, kid. You need a manecut.”
“Do I have to?” Albert groaned.
Secundus nodded. “’Fraid so. How about I make it up to you after words?” Albert groaned and accepted his fate.
A Pegasus stallion was busy sweeping the floor of his shop when the bell over the door rang. He looked up to see a familiar face heading towards him. “Hey! Albie! How’s my favorite hybrid today?”
“Heyya, Zeph!” Albert greeted back.
Zephyr noticed Albert’s dad behind him. “Hiya!”
“Hello, Zephyr,” said Secundus. “My poor unfortunate son is in need of your services this morning. Try to go easy on him.”
Zephyr Breeze puffed out his chest. “I am the best manedresser in town! Don’t worry, I got this! Why don’t you hop in my chair, Albie?” Albert awkwardly got into the chair. “So, what’ll it be kid?”
“The usual,” groaned Albert.
“Sure thing!” Zephyr got to work, making small talk to pass the time. When he was close to being done, he examined Secundus critically. “You know, I’d be happy to-”
Secundus cut him off. “Zephyr, we’ve been over this. My mane doesn’t grow unless I let it, I’m trying to grow it out, and I like the shampoo I have.”
Zephyr shrugged. “Alright. Suit yourself. There we go! Stylin’!” Albert looked in the mirror, and honestly liked what he saw.
“Thank you, Zephyr!” said Secundus. He set out the payment plus a good-sized tip.
“Say hi to that crazy brother-in-law of mine!” Zephyr said as he waved them out the door.
Secundus then said, “All right. At this rate, I’m spoiling you rather badly, but I’ve got a surprise for you.” He snapped his fingers, and they were in Ponyville, in front of Carousel Boutique. “Ta-da!”
“What are we doing here? I’m not a filly.”
“Just trust me.” The two of them walked/slithered into the shop.
Rarity looked up from her paperwork. “Oh! Hello, darlings! To what do I owe the surprise?”
“Albert starts school in a few months. I just thought that he might like a first day of school outfit. It was always one of my favorite things about a new school year. Speaking as a veteran of the public-school system, I know you need all the help you can get.”
Rarity laughed. “I’d be delighted! I don’t often get to design for colts, let alone one as unique as Albert! Let’s see, I think I have some catalogues.” She levitated over a stack of magazines, which Albert began to flip through. “See anything you like?”
Albert shrugged. “I don’t really know, I’ve never worn clothes before. I just want something that’s comfortable. These all seem a little high-end to me, I’m not exactly royalty.”
Rarity had to forcibly pick her mouth off the floor. She gave a weak chuckle. “Um, technically, you are, dear. Your fathers are both kings.”
Secundus shrugged. “I just married into it, Thorax does most of the actual reigning. Besides, I look stupid in a crown, and I never got the bloody wave down for parades. Most Changelings aren’t big on ceremony anyways, they like to just get to the point and have fun.”
Rarity vaguely wondered if she had some smelling salts. She then said, “Well, what are your favorite colors? That might be a good place to start.”
Albert shrugged. “Royal blue and orange.”
Rarity’s ear twitched. She glanced at Albert’s tail colors and pictured that particular combination. Alright Rarity! You can do this! Even if you can never show your face in public again… Aloud, she said, “Actually, I might have a way to make that work. You’d just like something casual, it sounds like?” Albert nodded. “Alrighty dear, I’ll get back to you both when I think I have something.” She showed the two of them to the door with a gracious smile. When she was sure she was out of Secundus’ spectacularly good hearing range, she collapsed into a sobbing heap on the floor. “WHHHYYYY?” she cried.
Two days later, Secundus got a letter. In crayon it read, “You are cordially, blah blah blah, to the Castle of Chaos, Ponyville for the most amazing Fluttershy’s baby shower. Oh, and bring your husband, if you really must. D.”
Secundus chuckled. He knew Discord was just being playfully grouchy. He hoped he was, anyway, he knew what a cranky Draconequus was capable of. He quickly asked one of the older Changelings to mind Albert for a few hours, grabbed Thorax, and headed to the Ponyville/Everfree boarder. He knocked on the door to Fluttershy’s cottage. “Intrude!” called a voice.
“Discord!” snapped Fluttershy. She opened the door. “Sorry about that, he’s a bit … protective at the moment.”
“Trust me, I understand that,” Secundus grinned.
“The girls are all inside,” Fluttershy said.
“Thank you,” said Secundus, wiping his hoof and paw on the mat. “Why were we even invited? This is a female bonding thing, and I don’t like to change genders. Neither does Thorax.”
Fluttershy giggled. “Discord said he needed some moral support.”
“Alrighty then.”
Secundus hadn’t walked more than two steps into the cottage when he was tackled by something. “Thank gods you’re here!” Discord shouted. “I’m going out of my mind! How did you handle this?!”
“I was the one who was pregnant, and Thorax didn’t find out until after the fact. So, Fluttershy’s…?”
Discord nodded. “Yes. We found out this morning.”
Thorax grabbed Fluttershy into a hug. “Congratulations!” he said with a broad smile. “Now I won’t have to be the only one dealing with this kind of crazy! I’m very happy for you both.”
Discord grabbed Secundus. “Would you all excuse us? Guy business.” He snapped his fingers, and he and Secundus were standing in front of Discord’s house in his Realm, Chaosville. “Ah, the old Bachelor Pad! Sometimes I miss this place.”
A Yzzthp flew overhead, and affectionately tried to take the top of Secundus’s skull off with its claws. Secundus shooed it away. “I can imagine. I miss my Realm sometimes too. It’s honestly pretty cool. I guess one day I might be moving back there, if …” he didn’t finish the sentence. “What did you want to talk to me about? Why only me and not Thorax as well? He’s male. Usually.”
“Have you ever seen him around a baby?” Discord asked in an annoyed tone.
Secundus nodded. “Yes, two broods have hatched while I’ve lived here.” He thought about it. “You might have a point there,” he groaned.
Discord chuckled. “I just wanted some advice, that’s all.”
“You’re quintillions of times my age, but, OK. Count your blessings that you don’t need sleep, because odds are that your mortal partner will make you take most of the late-night feedings. You’re allowed to treat your kids to things, but don’t give them the world just because you literally can. Make sure you know what’s going on, they won’t always talk about the things that are bothering them, less so as they get older.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m having trouble with that last one, but at least he talks to Thorax. Anything else?”
Discord looked Secundus straight in the eye, and in a tone you would use to comment on the weather asked, “What are you going to do when Thorax dies?”
Secundus froze. “I-I, uh, well, that is to say, I-”
Discord folded his arms. “It must have crossed your mind at some point.”
Secundus sighed and nodded. “I’ve thought about it, but I don’t really know exactly what I’d do until it actually happened. I know myself well enough to know that I’d most likely want to break whatever did it and would cut myself off from others for a long time. It would break my hearts and cripple me, but at the end of the day, I have responsibilities to the Hive and the Multiverse, and would have to find a way to carry on somehow. Who knows, maybe at some point afterwards, I might fall in love again. Hasn’t that happened to some of us who have fallen in love with mortals?” Discord nodded.Secundus sighed. “Then I guess I’d just have to keep living, since I can’t actually die. I wouldn’t ever forget Thorax, but maybe I could be happy again. Does Fluttershy have some terminal illness I’m not aware of?”
Discord’s face paled. “No, no, no! Of course not! What made you think that?”
“Just wondering why you had asked such a cheery question. Got any others?”
Discord grinned. “I don’t suppose you two would foalsit once in a while?”
“Not on your life,” Secundus replied with a grin.
Discord shrugged. “Can’t blame me for asking.” He snapped his fingers, and the two of them were back in Fluttershy’s cottage, which was really named the Castle of Chaos 2.0. In Discord’s head, anyway.
Fluttershy looked up from her tea. “Oh, hello! Nice to have you back. Did you two have a good talk?”
Discord nodded. “Yes, it was very helpful. What have you girls been up to while we were away?” Thorax let the slight against his gender pass.
Twilight smiled. “Well, actually, we were talking about some of our favorite memories of Discord.”
“Ooh! We just got to when we first met him, and he made us all our evil opposites!” Pinkie said in a chipper tone.
Discord sighed happily. “Ah … good times.”
Secundus chuckled. “Huh, since I’m the Spirit of Duality, I guess turning ponies into their opposites would be my schtick now. Not that I would actually do it!” he added hurriedly, catching everypony’s expression. He then snickered. “Except maybe to Blueblood.”
Rarity smirked. “In that specific case, you would have my express permission.”
Pinkie laughed. “Ooh! Hey! I’m just wondering, if Discord did that to you, what would your evil side be like?”
Secundus froze. A few snowflakes drifted down around him and landed on the carpet. He then said, “Well … I …”
Discord came to his rescue. “I’m sure that’s just Secundus’s business. Why don’t we talk about another amazing story about me?”
“Aww, c’mon!” Pinkie said unhappily. “We’ve all gone through it, except for Thorax ‘cause he doesn’t have an evil bone in his body. Well, he doesn’t have bones, he’s got an exoskeleton, but you know what I mean! Just answer the question!”
Thorax winced at all of the emotions Secundus was experiencing. He carefully said, “Pinkie, we’re here for Fluttershy, why don’t we move on?”
“I bet you’d totally conquer Equestria!” Pinkie said cheerfully. Secundus clenched his fists. “How about just a little hint?”
Secundus’s irises flashed yellow for a second. The fur on the back of his neck stood up, and he started to growl and click in the back of his throat. Before anypony could say anything, he lowly hissed, “Trust me, you do not want to meet my evil side, but if you really want to know, he and I get along swimmingly. Please stop provoking me!” A small flurry was now swirling around Secundus and everypony shivered. Secundus looked ready to explode.
“I’m sorry, I just thought it might be fun to learn more about-” Pinkie started to say.
“OH, GO HUG A SHOGGOTH!!” Secundus yelled. He disappeared in a flash of dark light.
Discord sighed. He said, “He’s right, you shouldn’t have kept going like that. If everypony will excuse me, I have to go stop him from burning down a small town or something.”
“He wouldn’t do that!” Thorax said.
“It’s not Secundus I’m worried about,” Discord snapped. He too disappeared.
It didn’t take Discord long to track Secundus down, he just had to follow the snow. Secundus had abandoned his physical form and was a whirling storm of thought energy that was screaming at itself in two different voices. Imagine someone blasting Toccata and Fugue in one ear, and Highway to Hell in the other, and you’d be close.
When it became apparent that he wasn’t going to calm down on his own, Discord cleared his throat. Part of the storm whirled around and glared at him. Go away! It hissed.
Discord sighed. It was too early for this. He let his mask slip slightly. Part of his face disappeared into shadow. In the shadow, eyes glowed, and lots of teeth shone. In a calm, quiet, reasonable tone, Discord replied, You are more powerful than me, I admit, but I’m older than you, I’m scarier than you, and I’m not here to hurt him, so you don’t have to do your job. Relax.
The storm calmed down and flowed back into a corporeal shape. Secundus looked the way he had when he was human, it was the first shape he’d thought of. He sighed. “Thank you,” he said aloud.
Discord glued his form back together. He sighed. “You really need to get that under control. Feeling better?” Secundus nodded. Discord chuckled. “Normally, I’m in favor of discord, it’s why I picked the name, but I’m in favor of external discord. No one should have to sound like that in their own head. I will go back to my wife if you will go back to your husband. Deal?” Secundus nodded. Discord chuckled. “You … might want to change first.” Secundus looked down, facepalmed, and changed back into his preferred Draconequus form. The two of them went back to the party.
Secundus was attending Fluttershy’s funeral. She was one of the last Element Bearers to die, aside from Twilight. Discord was heartbroken and Secundus didn’t know how to comfort him. Discord never looked at him the same way again.
Secundus was kneeling over Thorax’s broken corpse. There was nothing he could do, he hadn’t been there to save him, why hadn’t he been there?!! He’d just been gone for a stupid reason, and now Thorax was dead. And it was all. His. Fault!
Secundus and Albert were standing on a moon in the depths of space, having a heated argument. “Why did you lie to me?!” Albert roared, the angriest Secundus had ever seen him. “It was all a damn lie! Why couldn’t you have saved Papa?! I HATE YOU!!” Albert disappeared. Secundus never saw him again.
Twilight, Luna, Celestia, Cadence, Sombra, and Harmony were clustered together, the last living ponies of Equestria. They had lived forever, but even they couldn’t outlast entropy. Secundus could do nothing he had to stand by and watch his friends die. Again, and again, and again. His hearts had broken more times than he could count. As they burned, Encore told Secundus, “This is what happens when you fall in love with mortals.” Secundus turned and fled.
Secundus was in chains before the Council, his crimes laid out before him. He had only tried to help others, but it had backfired spectacularly, and cost the gods a universe. Tempus gravely looked at Secundus, and said, “You know what happens now.”
“No! Please! PLEASE!” Secundus begged. The Draconequui came together, and Secundus turned to stone. They cast his statue out into the stars, to drift alone, unseeing, unfeeling, forever. As Secundus listened to the screaming in his head, a voice whispered, “Just thought you’d like a little preview of what’s to come…”
“GAAAAHHH!” Secundus screamed, sitting bolt upright in bed.
Thorax’s horn lit up. “Are you OK?”
Secundus put a paw to his chest, breathing shakily. “F-fine. I just had a horrible nightmare. I forgot how bad they can be. Go back to sleep, I’m sorry I woke you.” Thorax nodded drowsily and went back to sleep.
Secundus turned onto his side and faced the wall. His fur stood on end when he saw he was casting two shadows. One was his normal noodley self, the other was of a creature that had never set foot on Equestria. Secundus didn’t want to wake Thorax again, so he didn’t speak out loud, but he didn’t have to. He knew he’d be heard anyway.
I know you’re upset, but that was downright sadistic. Since when have you been cruel?
The shadow shrugged, yellow circles appearing where its eyes should have been. It replied to the question by loudly singing in Secundus’s mind: Stop telephoning me eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. It then put a finger to its lips and slithered back where it belonged.
Secundus sighed, turned onto his back, and stared at the ceiling. Well, so much for getting any sleep this week, he thought.
Spike was walking through the gardens of the Badlands, heading for the Hive. It was earlier in the day than he would have liked it to be, but this was supposed to be a surprise. He was kind of surprised that there weren’t any Changelings around, he knew most of them liked the mornings.
As he passed a large rock, a giant shadow leaped out from behind it, and stood on top of it. “NAME YOURSELF, INTRUDER!” it snarled, bearing some seriously sharp fangs, yellow eyes flashing.
“Gaaah!” yelled Spike, toppling over.
“Oh, sorry Spike!” the shadow said. Secundus shifted back into his normal, much less threatening form, and helped Spike to his feet. He gave a nervous chuckle. “I’m really sorry for that, we’ve had two monster attacks just this week, and everyling’s really on edge. It’s nice to see you, you’re up early.”
Spike chuckled nervously. “Yeah, I am. So, you can be scary.”
Secundus shrugged. “If I have to be, or want to be, yes. I take it you’re here to see Thorax?”
“Yeah!” Spike said with a grin. “I’ve got a surprise for him, and I thought he’d be thrilled. I sure was.” Spike stood up a little taller, and puffed his chest out, showing off.
Secundus didn’t seem to notice. He pulled out a pocket watch to check the time and winced. “OK, but you’re waking him up, not me. He’ll be thrilled to see you, but I have to warn you, he might throw something at you. He’s not very happy when he first wakes up.”
Spike chuckled. As the two of them walked into the Hive, Spike wondered how in Equestria Secundus hadn’t noticed. Sure, Secundus had his head in the clouds most of the time, but he wasn’t blind. Actually, he could be a little too observant sometimes. When some of the Changelings saw Spike, their mouths dropped open. Spike gave a regal wave, smirking slightly.
Secundus walked Spike up a dizzying array of paths to get to his room, then walked them in. He pulled out a kitchen timer, wound it up for thirty seconds, and quietly hissed to Spike, “Duck!”
Spike wondered what was going on, but when he saw Secundus hit the floor, he did too. The timer went off, loudly. “WHAT IS GOING ON?!” Thorax roared. He glanced at the clock on the wall. “SEC! What kind of time to you call this?”
Secundus pulled himself off the floor. “Six A.M., a perfectly reasonable hour. I wouldn’t have done it, but you’ve got a visitor.”
Spike had never seen this side of Thorax before. He was kind of scary. “Does he do this every morning?” Spike asked Secundus.
“Only if I wake him up before eight when he’s been completely stressed for two weeks straight. He likes mornings once he’s actually awake, just not for the first thirty seconds.”
“Oh! Hi, Spike!” Thorax said, back his normal cheery, all-loving self. “It’s nice to see you!”
“Uh, you too. Notice anything different?” Spike asked with a sly grin.
“New tie?” asked Secundus.
“What?” asked Spike. He couldn’t be this clueless.
“Yeah, it really goes with your wings,” Secundus finished with an evil grin.
“So, you did notice,” Spike said flatly.
Secundus shrugged. “Yes, but it was your surprise, not mine.” He folded his arms. “’Bout bloody time, I don’t know what the writers were thinking putting it off this long,” he huffed, giving some unseen force a death glare. Spike and Thorax exchanged a concerned look. Secundus continued his rant. “I mean, OK, I’m technically in some alternate universe. I think. Still, we’ve been waiting for this since Season Two.” He blinked. “I wonder what season this even is? Twelve?”
“Have you hit your head?” Thorax asked carefully.
“No.”
“What did you mean alternate universe?” asked Spike.
“Oh, well, when I got sent here, I probably changed the timeline. It’s not my fault,” Secundus hissed. “I just think I’m not in the Equestria I’m familiar with, that’s all. It could have been worse, some of the alternate Equestrias I’ve read about were horrific. I’m pretty sure that Twilight would have opened up some School of Friendship or something by now, so hopefully I’m not canon.”
Spike wasn’t telepathic, but he still managed to silently ask Thorax, Have you considered upping his meds? Thorax shrugged. Spike then chuckled at something Secundus had said. “Yeah, a School of Friendship sure sounds like Twilight. Maybe I could tell her about that.”
Spike then remembered why he had come here. He looked at Secundus and wondered something. “Hey, can you fly?”
“Why do you want to know?”
“Well, ever since I got these beauties,” Spike said, unfolding his wings proudly, “Rainbow has been saying she wants to help me learn how to fly better. I thought that since Thorax can fly, and we’re good friends, he might want to come too. If you can fly, you’re welcome to come as well.”
Secundus’s ears drooped. “I can’t actually fly,” he sighed. “I can levitate, but I can’t legitimately fly, I don’t have any wings. Even if I did give myself wings, I couldn’t fly like this, I’m not exactly aerodynamic. If I wanted to actually fly, I’d have to change shape, and … why are you two grinning at me like that?”
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were waiting for Spike on a cloud near the Wonderbolt obstacle course. A quick teleportation spell popped Spike and Thorax over to them. Standing next to them was a very large grey Batpony stallion, almost the same size as Thorax, with yellow eyes and a long black spiky mane. He was walking a bit funny and kept looking like he was going to fall over. Riding on his back was Albert.
When the four of them got over to the girls, Rainbow nudged Thorax, and said with a sly grin, “Hey, look at you, having a hot date lined up on the side! I’m kind of jealous.”
Thorax snarled, and the Batpony brought a hoof to his mouth, and started to die laughing. “I’m glad you think I’m hot, since that’s a word I would never use to describe myself, but you might not want to talk to my husband that way. He almost gored the last mare who flirted with me in front of him.”
“Se-Secundus?!” Rainbow said in shock.
“Ta-da! In person! Spike and Thorax had the brilliant idea that I should try actual flight instead of just levitation.”
Rainbow buried her face in her wings. “Oh, my god,” she muttered.
“Thanks, but I’m just a Spirit,” Secundus said with an evil grin. “So, should I tell Soarin that you encourage stallions to cheat on their partners…?”
“NO!” Rainbow shouted. She looked completely mortified, so Secundus decided to take it easy on her. Rainbow stared at him. “Why are you a Batpony?”
Secundus shrugged. “It’s the weirdest thing, but I can’t shape-shift into a regular Pegasus. It’s like the template’s missing. It, uh, makes sense if you’re a Draconequus,” he mumbled, catching her stare. “Anyway, this is the closest I can actually get to being a Pegasus. Unless I want to be an Alicorn, which I don’t.”
Rainbow peered at Albert. “You going to be OK all the way up here?”
Albert nodded. “Yeah! I found out that I can cloud-slither, which is awesome! I just can’t actually get to a cloud on my own is all, but once I’m there, I’m safe. Watch!” He hopped off Secundus’ back and landed on the cloud as smoothly as if he’d been cloud-walking his whole life.
“Nice!” Rainbow said. Albert beamed. Rainbow examined Secundus critically. “Have you ever actually flown before? I know your husband’s a great flyer, but have you ever done any at all?”
Secundus stammered, “Uh, well, not in so many-”
Rainbow grinned. “All right, newbie. Down on the ground there’s a foal’s training course. Start with that. Uh, you can get to the ground without breaking every bone in your body, right?”
Secundus nodded. “Well, it would probably be every third bone, but not every bone. Just because they heal almost instantly doesn’t mean broken bones don’t hurt,” he muttered to himself. He then said, “It sounds silly, but I wanted to do this the right way, with no magic other than what a Batpony would have. So, no using magic to fly, which means it’s going to be a lllooooonnngg trip to the ground.”
“Well, you don’t want to use magic to fly, which is pretty cool of you, but how about you just conjure a cloud or a parachute or something? That way you won’t end up a pancake, and you won’t be breaking the ‘no magic to fly’ rule.” Rainbow noticed the way everypony was staring at her. “What?! You hang around Twilight and Discord as long as I have, you get good at thinking of sneaky loopholes like that.”
Secundus grinned and conjured a parachute. He stepped to the edge of the cloud, then stepped back hurriedly, his legs flailing under him, and his head spinning.
“You’re afraid of heights?” Rainbow asked. Secundus nodded. “Even as a Batpony?” Rainbow asked in disbelief. Secundus nodded, harder and faster. Rainbow facehoofed and sighed.
Secundus then grit his teeth. “Oh, well. It’s not like I would have gotten to do this on Earth. Have fun, you guys! I’ll be watching.” He leapt off the cloud. “GERONIMOOOO – YEAAGH! HELP, HELP, HELP!” He got over his panic attack quickly and even managed to give his wings a few flaps that helped him get to the ground safely.
“So, you’re into Batponies?” asked Fluttershy.
Rainbow Dash seemed flustered. “I don’t know! Maybe? Sometimes? I have a coltfriend! Besides, we can’t all be into Draconequui!”
“He is pretty cute that way,” Fluttershy said.
Thorax growled but kept himself under control.
“So, who wants to see how awesomely I can fly these days?” Spike asked with a grin.
Thorax grinned. “Want to race? Just so you know, I can come pretty close to doing a Sonic Thorboom!”
“Ha!” Rainbow shouted. “I’ve already patented that! It. Is. On!”
Even Fluttershy spread her wings, remembering that she was a pretty good flyer when she applied herself.
Thorax glanced at Albert. “Will you be ok up here?”
Albert nodded. “Yeah, just because I can’t fly doesn’t mean I don’t want to watch this. On three! One … three!”
The two Pegasi, Thorax, and Spike blurred off the cloud, leaving a streak of it behind. Albert was impressed, they could all fly quickly. Four colored streaks raced around the cloud and obstacle course, getting faster and faster. Albert’s head was spinning trying to keep up but eventually he had to stop trying. There was a loud “BOOM!” and a circle of rainbow colors appeared. Albert clapped his hooves over his ears, he hated loud sounds. He was shocked when there was a second “BOOM!” and a circle of green fire appeared. Albert grinned. His Papa could do a Sonic Thorboom. That was amazing.
Albert heard a far away cheer of, “You go Thorax!” followed by a thud and an “Ow.” He glanced at the ground. His dad was picking himself off the ground, rubbing his muzzle irritably like he had fallen on it. Albert was confused as to why his dad would find something as simple as flight so hard to manage. He was in the shape of a Batpony, shouldn’t it have just been instinct? It didn’t make sense, but his dad usually didn’t make sense.
The four flyers collapsed back onto the cloud. Naturally, Rainbow had barely broken a sweat. Thorax was panting hard, and Spike looked about ready to pass out. He was taking huge deep breaths. “Maybe take it a bit easier on me next time?” he croaked. “I’m still kind of new to this…”
Rainbow chuckled. “Sorry there. Thorax and I got a bit intense.”
“How do you do that as often as you do?” Thorax managed to get out.
Rainbow shrugged. “Just lots of practice. Plus 110% pure awesome! You might get there someday!”
Fluttershy smiled. “That was a bit fun, but I’m with Spike and Thorax. Can we please take it a bit easier next time?” she begged.
Thorax and Spike chuckled. They both jumped when something thumped onto the could. “Ha! Made it!” Secundus panted. He tipped off the cloud. “Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!” He flopped back onto the cloud.
“How’d it go?” Rainbow asked.
“Well, I made it back to the cloud. That’s the most impressive thing I did. The others were all disasters.” Secundus looked at Albert. “Hey, do you want to try flying? It’s even more fun than it looks.”
“How are you going to do that?” Albert asked. “You can’t fly.”
Secundus gave an evil smirk and hopped off the cloud. Everypony rushed to see where he had fallen. “Well, I’m not scraping him off the ground,” Rainbow commented. “Why would he do something so stupid?”
They all jumped as something huge passed over their heads and grabbed Albert in its talons. Albert screamed and glanced up. He was in the talons of a giant grey eagle. The eagled noticed him staring, and in a double voice said, “OK, so I may have watched Lord of the Rings one too many times growing up. Sue me. This is worth it for me, so I hope you’ll like it.”
“DAD?!” Albert yelled in shock.
“Yep! I think the reason I couldn’t fly as a Batpony is that part of me still believes ponies shouldn’t be able to fly. For some reason this works. Hold on to your hat. Oh, and cover your ears!” Albert did, and Secundus let out a screech of delight as he looped and dove. Albert actually began to laugh after a while. The two of them circled far and wide, having the time of their lives.
When the two of them got back to the cloud, Albert’s mane was unkempt, his eyes were wide, and he had the biggest smile Thorax had ever seen him have. “Did you see that?! That was the most amazing thing! Did you see that bit where we went over and through the waterfall? Hey, did anypony know that rainbows are spicy?! Maybe that’s why your name’s Rainbow, Rainbow, you’ve got kick!”
Rainbow Dash chuckled and gave Secundus a sly look. “Not bad, Halvsies. I didn’t know giant eagles could cloudwalk, that’s pretty cool.”
Secundus’s eye’s grew wide. He held up a wooden sign that read, “Good Lord, what have I done?!” He fell through the cloud. “GAAAAAaaaaahhh!!!” Secundus flopped back onto the cloud back in his usual noodle form and coughed up a bit of cloud. He held the sign back up and turned it over. The other side read, “STOP, in the name of humanity!!” Since he wasn’t human, there wasn’t any effect.
Thorax chuckled. “Why don’t you two head back home? Just leave me a way to get back to the Hive, I do not want to fly all that way after training Spike some more.” Secundus nodded weakly and tossed Thorax a collapsed portal the size of a tennis ball. Thorax set it on the cloud. “See you two later!” Thorax said with a cheery wave.
Secundus groaned. “I don’t know where you flyers get that amount of stamina from, nectar? Do you want to stay and watch Albert? I’m not up to flying again.”
Albert shook his head. “Nah, I promised I’d meet up with some of the guys later. Thanks for bringing me Papa, have fun!” Secundus snapped his fingers and they were gone.
“Your husband’s kind of strange, but in his own way he’s pretty cool,” said Rainbow. “Like ‘bow ties are cool because they aren’t cool’ cool. Ya know?”
Spike interrupted. “If we’re going to race again, can we please take it easier?!”
Thorax chuckled. “Sorry, I just got a bit carried away trying to show off. Let’s just practice flying this time. I am impressed at how well you kept up with us though.”
Spike grinned with pride and spread his wings, ready to take on the world.
Late May
Secundus was standing in a Bubble of Silence, and still had to have his paws over his ears. “I still don’t understand why you wanted me here!” he shouted.
“Because you’re my first friend, and you’re the only other being in Equestria who hates parties almost as much as I do!” Sombra shouted back.
“Fair point,” Secundus replied. A rousing course of laughter caused him to clench his claws into his palms. He stuck his head through the bubble to the party outside it, and growled, “Would you please keep it down to a dull roar?! Not everyone can block out sounds!” His eyes flashed yellow, before he pulled back into the peace and safety of the bubble. “I wish I’d been able to do this when I was a human,” he said. “I could have actually been able to handle socializing. I might have even enjoyed myself, gods forbid.”
Sombra chuckled. “I know it’s loud, but you seem like it’s twice as loud for you.”
“It is.” Secundus replied. “Probably more so since I’ve got even better hearing than I did as a human. In addition to that, I can’t filter out any of the sounds, which means that I’m hearing all of this at once, as opposed to just hearing the conversation I’m having like a normal pony. I think Albert’s the same way, which makes me worry he’s-”
Secundus was interrupted by Pinkie walking into the bubble. “Birthday hat for the birthday stallion!” she sang. She set a sombrero lined with candles on Sombra’s head. Sombra growled and had to stop himself from biting her. “Can I get you two anything?” Pinkie asked.
“No, thank you,” Sombra replied frostily.
“I think we’re good, thanks Pinkie. Sorry to be wet blankets,” said Secundus.
Pinkie pronked out of the bubble back to the fray of the party. Sombra looked up at his “birthday hat” and groaned. “I hate it when ponies make fun of my name like this. Sombra was a very good name a thousand years ago! Now everypony calls me ‘Sombrero Ebon’ behind my back.”
“I learned not to after the first time,” Secundus said. “I think Pinkie will kill me if I take your birthday hat off, but I could probably get away with a quick embellishment.” He snapped his fingers and a dark and scary crown appeared wrapped around Sombra’s sombrero. “Any better?”
Sombra chuckled. “Not really, but thanks for trying. What I really want is to get out of here.”
Secundus gave a toothy, grinchy grin that would have chilled a lesser stallion’s blood, before snapping his fingers. Sombra blinked and took a bite of his cake. “This is most enjoyable,” he said.
“I agree with you,” Secundus said cheerfully. “Would you like to discuss Grimgore’s Theorem of Spatial Alterations?”
“Absolutely!” Sombra replied with a happy grin.
As the two talked, Twilight walked over. “Sorry dear, I’ve been swamped by other ponies! How are you? You seem like you’re in a much better mood.”
“I am perfectly content, thank you!” Sombra replied with wide eyes and a slightly crooked grin. “This is a wonderful experience! Is there anything I can do for you, dearest?”
Twilight chuckled. “Well, I wouldn’t mind if you helped me reorganize the library some time.”
“I’d love to!” Sombra replied.
Twilight’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. Sombra never agreed to that. “How about if you do it on your own? I know you have a different system than I do, maybe I should try yours.”
“Sure thing!” Sombra took a long drink of punch and Twilight noticed he was forgetting to breathe….
Secundus glanced up from the board in front of him when he heard what he was pretty sure was a tank with for legs approaching. The door blew off its hinges. “SECUNDUS!!” Twilight roared.
“Oh. Hey Twilight,” Secundus said nervously. “I wasn’t expecting you quite yet.”
Twilight stalked over, her horn sparking. In dangerously sweet tones, she asked, “Would you care to explain to me why a near-perfect replica of my coltfriend just agreed to hoof-wax every floor in the castle?!”
“I what?!” Sombra shouted.
Secundus facepawed. “I misplaced the decimal on the friendliness stat.”
Twilight continued. “Would you also care to explain to me why a pretty good replica of you is currently leading the townsponies in the fifth chorus of Ninety-nine Bags of Oats on the Wall?”
“Well, there went that idea,” Secundus muttered.
“What were you thinking?!” Twilight blinked. “Why are the two of you holed up in the castle, playing a quiet game of chess?”
Sombra sighed. “Because this is our idea of a genuinely fun time, as opposed to being surrounded by loud, rowdy, hyperactive ponies forcing us to have fun when we don’t want to.” His horn lit up. “I kept the stupid sombrero!” he said with a nervous grin. He levitated it over to show Twilight, then sighed again. “I thought if anypony would understand hating parties, it would be you.”
Twilight sighed. “I’m sorry. I forget that parties tend to drain some ponies. And Draconequii,” she added with a grin.
Secundus’s head tilted as he thought of something. “Hypothetical question. Can you have a birthday party without the guest of honor?”
“No, you can’t!” Twilight snapped. “The whole point of a birthday part is to be surrounded by friends and loved ones!”
Secundus snapped at Sombra, “Oh, no I don’t! I’m only a guest!”
Sombra sighed at what Twilight had said. She had a point. He grumbled to Secundus, “If I have to suffer through this, so do you.” His brain processed what Secundus had said a moment ago. “You knew I was going to say that?” he asked with surprise.
Secundus facepawed. “I was never very linear, even as a human. Being a Spirit really didn’t help that.”
Twilight shoved Sombra’s sombrero onto his head. “MOVE IT!” she shouted.
The two males slouched along like a pair of overgrown colts. “Is Thorax this pushy with you?” Sombra asked.
“Only when I’m being stupid.” The trio arrived at Sugarcube Corner. The copies of Sombra and Secundus stepped outside to meet them. They looked even more glitchy then when Twilight had last seen them. Secundus proclaimed, “Go forth my minions, and spread the gospel of-” He caught Twilight’s expression. “Only joking.”
“Give Thorax a kiss for me,” Copy Secundus told the original sadly. Secundus snapped his fingers and they were gone.
Twilight pushed the duo into the building. “Right, Sombra needs to mingle. You can sit in the corner,” she told Secundus.
When Sombra got back, he noticed Secundus drinking a glass of bright blue, glowing liquid. It made Sombra uncomfortably think that Secundus was drinking his own blood, but his blood didn’t glow that brightly. Besides, Sombra was pretty sure he saw stars glowing in the drink. “What is that?” he asked.
“A Draconequus party drink. I’d offer you some, but it would kill you.”
“What would happen? My head would explode?” Sombra joked.
Secundus smirked. “Your internal organs would liquify, your brain would turn to soup and pour out your ears, and you would turn to dust with an expression of pure ecstasy on your face.” He took a long swig of the drink. “In Draconequus terms, it’s Kool-Aid. I’m not allowed to have the good stuff.”
Sombra’s face paled, he sometimes forgot what Draconequui were like.
Twilight walked over to the two of them. “You know, I have to admit, ever since you got here Secundus, Equestria’s been a lot quieter. We haven’t had a villain try to take Equestria over in years.”
“You’re welcome,” Secundus said flatly. “That probably just means it’s my turn.” Sombra snickered. Secundus continued, “Of course, Chrysalis is still crafting a plan to retake the Hive, but that’s a ways off.”
Twilight raised a brow. “You wouldn’t happen to know where she is, would you?”
Secundus nodded. “Of course I do.”
“What?!” Twilight shouted.
Secundus shrugged. “’Keep your friends close, and your enemies under surveillance.’ I didn’t even have enemies before I came to Equestria, so that’s a bit ironic, since your entire planet is reputed for friendliness.”
“Why didn’t you tell any of us where she is?! She swore vengeance against most of my friends!”
“Ever hear of free will? As long as she isn’t actively hurting anyone, I need to leave her alone. At the moment, she’s just hiding and biding her time. Besides, I technically stole her kingdom, so she’ll try to exact revenge against me and Thorax first. I don’t think that will happen in this particular story, though. He’s probably saving it up,”
“Who’s saving it up?” Twilight asked, a headache coming on.
Secundus glared at something nopony could see. “Someone I know pretty well,” he growled, “That’s all I’m going to say about it.”
Sombra chuckled and shook his head. “Is it a trait of your entire species to make as little sense as possible?”
“No, that’s just me. The main reason I haven’t made a move against Chrysalis is because I’d overdo it. You only hurt Thorax once, and I tried to wipe you from history. She hurt him multiple times, and even tried to kill him. Need I paint you a picture? Plus, she’d see Albert as an ‘abomination polluting the Changeling genepool,’ and try to eliminate him. There wouldn’t be a smoking crater big enough.”
“Hmmm. I understand that your conscience is the only reason I exist?” Sombra asked.
“Yeah, he’s pretty mouthy sometimes.” Secundus’s eyes flashed yellow, and he growled something in a language Sombra couldn’t understand. He then went back to normal. “I still need to find a way to make that up to you,” he told Sombra
Sombra examined his hooves the way a human would their nails. “Well, I’m an expert on hypnotism. I could always make you my love slave.”
Secundus spat out his drink. He turned to Sombra and said, “Ignoring several other aspects and ramifications of that sentence, I’ve seen your entire life. You’re as straight as they come.”
Sombra batted his eyelashes. “Who said you’d be male?” he whispered seductively.
Secundus looked like he was going to pass out. Sombra burst out laughing. “Sorry,” he said, “I just had to see your expression. I wish I had my camera.” Secundus gave a weak chuckle. Sombra then asked, “Actually, I’ve never known how these things work. You and Thorax-”
Secundus’s coloration turned to shades of black and dark grey, shadows filled the room, and the temperature dropped thirty degrees. “DROP DEAD, SOMBRA.” Secundus growled in a voice from the nethermost pits of Hell. Sombra wisely shut up.
Secundus got rid of the special effects. A bucket of ice water appeared over Secundus and upended itself on him. “Problem?” asked Sombra.
“Nothing that I would discuss.” Sombra snickered. Secundus then said, “Right. I’m having a piece of cake. I know that pony parties can last ‘till the wee small hours, so you two are explaining to Thorax why I’m late getting home if this party does.” Twilight and Sombra nodded.
Sombra asked, “So, Twilight tells me you’re really good at magic these days.”
Secundus nodded. “My personal brand of magic isn’t meant to even function, so I technically have to invent a new spell if I want to have oatmeal for breakfast.”
Sombra chuckled. “I’ve invented new spells too, some of them were pretty useful. Maybe someday they’ll make me an Alicorn Prince,” he said with a playful grin.
Secundus swallowed his drink the wrong way. He’d done this often enough that he’d gotten pretty good at somewhat subtly fixing the problem. He glanced at Sombra. Sombra didn’t seem to know what he’d seen, it was just an ambitious joke. Secundus sighed in relief.
“Problem?” Sombra asked.
Secundus thought about it. “Just – oh, never mind. Anypony want custard pie? I’m feeling creative.”
First of June
Trixie and Starlight were greeted at the “door” to the Hive and shown out to the gardens. “Oh, hey,” said Secundus. “You two here to see Thorax?” They nodded. “Right, I’ll go get him. Nice to see you again Starlight!” Secundus disappeared and reappeared with Thorax. “Have fun guys!”
After a fun day of catching up, having hooficures, and swapping stories, Trixie and Starlight were ready to go home. Secundus stopped them at the entrance. “Er, Ms. Lulamoon? I was wondering if I could request a favor?”
Trixie nodded. “What is it?”
“Would you mind putting on a magic show for the Hive sometime? I’m sure the Changelings would all love it. Plus, I haven’t seen a magic show since I was eight, and I loved it. I’ll pay you whatever you think is fair, of course.”
Trixie raised an eyebrow. “Can’t you turn reality inside-out just by thinking about it?” she asked.
“Yeah, but that’s just magic. It’s like breathing for me. Stage magic is an artform.” Trixie froze. Her eyes widened, her pupils shrank, and she made a high-pitched whining noise. “Did I say something wro-”
Trixie tackled Secundus into a hug. Secundus yelped at the unexpected contact. “Thankyou,thankyou,thankyou,THANKYOU!!!” Trixie shouted.
“What did I say?” Secundus hissed to Starlight.
Starlight chuckled. “I’m pretty sure you just validated her entire existence.”
“Oh.” Secundus said. He detached Trixie from his waist. “I’m glad. Let me know when you’re passing through again!”
Trixie was so thrilled that she asked Thorax if the two of them could stay the night, to which Thorax happily agreed. The three friends spent hours talking about how they had all met, and their first adventure together. Albert was thrilled to have alternate perspectives on the story, but Secundus was pretty sure Trixie was making some things up.
After a long evening, the immortal, and the demi-immortal bowed out to let everyling else finally sleep.
True to Trixie’s word, the next afternoon, she put on a spectacular show, to the delight of the entire Hive. The three friends said “Goodbye,” and everyling went back to work, but they were a lot happier that day.
June Fifth
“Got everything?” asked Secundus. Albert nodded. “You look really nice,” Secundus commented.
Albert was wearing a button-up collared shirt that Rarity had made him for the start of the summer school term. It was even in the colors that he had requested, a royal blue and orange plaid. Rarity had even found a way for the colors to not clash with Albert’s tail, Secundus had no idea how she had done it. That mare was good at her job. Of course, Spike had shown himself to be a surprisingly good assistant, and knew as much about fashion as his marefriend, if not more so.
Because Albert couldn’t wear saddlebags the way a pony colt had, Secundus had designed a human backpack for him, with a single strap the crossed over his chest. Secundus had been worried that he wouldn’t be able to handle the zippers, but he’d been just fine. Despite having gone native in Equestria, Secundus still wasn’t entirely sure how ponies handled things like zippers and buttons with hooves. He’d been meaning to test it, he’d just never gotten around to it.
“You know where the portal home is?”
Albert rolled his eyes. “You only showed me ten times,” he snarked.
Secundus chuckled. “Sorry, I’m turning into my mother.” He bent down and gave Albert a kiss on his head.
“Daaaad!” Albert complained.
“Sorry,” Secundus said again. Albert slithered over to a corner of the room, and a portal opened up at his presence. Albert gave his dad a wave. As he slithered through the portal, Secundus cupped his paws around his mouth and shouted, “Good luck! Try not to kill anyone!”
“What was that?” Thorax asked, stepping into the room.
“Some advice I could have really used my first day of school. I was only five, but I was still… never mind,” Secundus said with a cough. “It’s not important.” His eyes flashed gold, and he snickered. “Shut up!” he hissed as his eyes returned to normal.
Thorax was a bit concerned. Secundus had informed him on several occasions that he was certifiably insane when they were dating, but he hadn’t been having … episodes like this. They seemed to be getting worse. Thorax didn’t think Secundus could ever be dangerous to anyone or anything, but … it was still unsettling. Perhaps the most unsettling thing, for a Changeling anyway, was the fact that Secundus was unreadable at the moment it happened.
When Secundus’s emotions came flooding back, he read as irritated, like he’d just had a heated argument with somepony. He was also … afraid? Not of what had happened, it was more along the lines of concern for a love one in danger.
“Something wrong?” Thorax asked.
“I … … have bad memories of high school. That’s all. Albert’s very similar to me, and that worries me.”
“Is high school really that bad?” Thorax, renegade Changeling, asked with genuine curiosity.
“You have NO idea,” Secundus replied.
“How’d you survive?” Thorax joked.
Secundus sighed. “By being invisible, by being too nice to bully, and by being the mad kid who knew three different ways to break your arm, even though he’d never use it. That, and I knew all of the escape routes off campus. I … wouldn’t recommend my survival strategy to anyling.” Thorax chuckled at that. “Come on,” Secundus said, “I need to keep my nerves under control, which means I need to keep busy.”
“Do you think he’s OK?” Secundus asked, pacing on the wall instead of the floor for variety.
“Sec, you’re going to wear a hole in the wall! He’s fine, I’m sure. He’s only been gone an hour!”
Secundus shrugged. “I’ve seen whole worlds turned inside out in an hour. A lot can go wrong in an hour.”
Thorax groaned. “Why don’t you head to one of the libraries and read to take your mind off of things?”
Secundus nodded and headed off to try and take his mind of the nightmarish scenarios filling it.
At three-ten in the afternoon, Thorax came in, pleased to see that Secundus wasn’t radiating anxiety. “How’s it going?”
Secundus shrugged. “Better, thanks. I can’t take every day off like this, but … is was a nice treat, thank you.” Thorax smiled. Secundus was about to say something else, when he started sniffing like he was smelling something baking in an oven.
“What’s up?”
“I smell … injured Draconequus. No, … injured half Draconequus, half … Changeling.” Secundus’s eyes grew wide with terror. “ALBERT!”
He quickly teleported to Albert’s room and his jaw dropped. Albert’s shirt was torn, there were leaves and twigs in his mane, and mud coating his tail. The thing that had Secundus the most worried was the scrapes and bruises all over Albert, some still leaking light blue blood.
“Albert, what happene-”
Secundus was cut off by Albert shouting, “I HATE YOU!!” and slamming his door.
Secundus stood there in shock, reminded of the nightmare he’d been “gifted” the night of Fluttershy’s baby shower.
Thorax finally made it up to Albert’s room, having forgotten he could teleport too. “What the hay happened to him?” Thorax asked frantically.
Secundus sighed. “Either he slid fifty feet through rocky mud into a pricker bush, or, the more reasonable explanation, somepony beat him up.”
“WHAT?!” Thorax shouted.
Thorax tried to magic open Albert’s door but was stopped by a familiar black and white aura. Secundus put a paw on Thorax’s withers and shook his head. He sighed. “Trust me, you don’t want to push him, even on this, until he’s ready to talk about it. Anyway, he’ll talk to you before he talks to me, it’s my fault.”
Thorax sighed. He looked at his husband and said, “Try not to … get how you get. You know what I mean.”
Secundus gave a sad smile. “Too late. I am what I am. Not even magic can stop me feeling things I don’t want to. Just … take it easy on him. Try to be kind, but not overly so. … Call me if you need anything… I, um…”
Thorax nodded. “If you eat all of my ice cream, I’ll kill you,” he said sweetly.
“The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind,” Secundus said.
Thorax smirked. “Then if I were you, I would sue my face for slander.” Secundus chuckled. His physical form then dissolved.
Thorax sighed and gently knocked on Albert’s door. “Go away!” Albert hissed.
Thorax said, “I know you don’t want to talk to me but at least let me get you some bandages and anti-septic!” The door opened a crack. Thorax gave a sad smile, it was a start. “Be right back!” he called.
Thorax got everything he needed and entered Albert’s room. Secundus hadn’t let on how bad Albert looked. Thorax sighed. “Right, this is going to hurt, I’m really sorry.” Albert hissed as the anti-septic was rubbed onto his cuts, then Thorax bandaged them. Thorax said, “Right. I can’t force you to talk, but at some point, can you please tell me what happened to you?”
Albert nodded. “Shut the door,” he said in a quiet voice. Thorax was surprised that Albert wanted to talk that quickly, but his horn lit up, and the door closed.
The next day, Pharynx was making an early morning patrol, surprised to find that the sky over the Hive was overcast with sullen grey clouds. Uh oh. He thought. His finding Secundus curled around a cactus confirmed his fears. The fact that Secundus didn’t even hiss at him for invading his personal space meant things were really bad. Pharynx sighed and sat down. Secundus didn’t seem to notice. Secundus wasn’t registering as having emotions, or else he was feeling too much of everything. It was hard to tell.
After an uncomfortable pause, Pharynx said, “Look … I’m probably the least touchy-feely Changeling in the Hive, but we are brothers-in-law. Do you want to talk about it?”
“My son hates me because I had a brilliant idea that I knew from going through the same experience would backfire horribly. What is there to talk about?”
Pharynx rolled his eyes and sent a quick prayer to the Eldest Brother. “What do you mean “going through the same experience?”
Secundus chuckled. “Given my maturity level, this is probably a shock, but I did actually attend high school. There were even actual, real live people. I just … forget how cruel people … and ponies can be. I ascribe cruelty to adults. I forget kids are cruel as well.”
“Why did they … you know. Why Albert of all Changelings? Uh, hybrids. Whatever.”
Secundus gave a shrug. “I think it’s because people and ponies are afraid of people who are different than them. I don’t know why, but I don’t understand most things like that. Albert’s very different from ponies. That, and I think bullying is a power thing. I don’t really know. I just wish he’d talk to me!”
Pharynx sighed. “He will. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but he will. In his own time. There’s a chance he’s immortal, so it’s not like he can hate you for all Eternity.” Secundus gave an amused snort. “You know Thorax was bullied when we were younger right?” Pharynx took Secundus’s snarl as a “Yes.” Pharynx sighed. “I think I was a bit of a bully.” A thought struck him. “Were you ever bullied?”
Secundus gave a sharp-toothed grin, and his eyes flashed yellow. “For some reason, no one ever really tried. It’s the strangest thing.”
“So, you were this scary as a hoo-man?” Pharynx tried the unfamiliar word out.
Secundus thought about it. “Sometimes,” he sighed. “My teachers all thought I was demonically possessed.” He snickered. “I mean, I … Oh, well. It’s not important. Thanks for the talk.”
“Well, my definition of therapy is to destroy something. Can I interest you?”
Secundus chuckled. “No, because I’d overdo it. Thanks though.” He uncurled from around the cactus. “Duck,” he said. Pharynx saw what he was about to do and hid behind a rock. Secundus shook himself, cactus needles flying everywhere.
“How do you do that?” Pharynx asked.
Secundus popped his head off and rolled it across his arms before popping it back on. “Technically, I’m not a physical being even when I have a body, and I’ve got a long history of messing with cacti,” he said with a laugh.
“Be seeing you,” said Pharynx.
“You know where to usually find me,” Secundus said.
June Seventh
Secundus was lying on the roof of the Hive, watching the sky. He still wasn’t sure if the Hive had a mind to speak of, but whenever he did this, the roof always shaped itself to his back like one of those mattresses he’d never been able to afford. It was comforting. He was counting under his breath. “One billion, five hundred fifty-five million, six hundred sixty-six thousand, three hundred forty-two … One billion, five hundred fifty-five million, six hundred sixty-six thousand, three hundred forty-three … One billion, five hundred fifty - ” his counting was interrupted by someone joining him on the roof.
“What are you doing?” asked Albert.
“Discord has his thinking tree, Tempus collects perfect moments, Encore plays piano, Steve files, and I lay on top of the Hive and count the stars. I like stars, I couldn’t really see them where I lived. The only constellations I could see were the Big Dipper and part of Orion.”
“What’s the Big Dipper?” Albert asked.
Secundus drew the constellation in the sky with a finger. “It looks like this. It was also known as Ursa Major, if that helps to provide context.”
“And Orion?”
“Orion was a mighty hunter,” Secundus said, flexing his arms. “There are two different versions of his story. In one, he declared that he would kill every animal in the world. The Earth Mother was so enraged that she sent a giant scorpion to kill him. The goddess of the hunt, Artemis mourned him, and asked her father to place him in the stars. In the second version, he fell in love with Artemis, which so angered her brother that he killed Orion. Again, Artemis asked her father to place Orion in the stars. He’s usually ‘followed’ by the scorpion that killed him as the constellation Scorpio. Orion’s constellation looks like this,” Secundus finished, again drawing the constellation.
“You really do like stories,” Albert said.
Secundus smiled. “Yes, of course. Stories shape reality. More importantly, they offer a way out of it, if need be.”
“Do gods really do that?”
“Do what?”
“Place mortals in the stars?”
Secundus chuckled. “I have no idea. It’s a nice thought though. Does this mean you’re talking to me?” he asked hopefully.
Albert thought about it. “Maybe.”
“Would you like to watch a movie?” Secundus asked suddenly.
“Dad, it’s three in the morning.”
“So? Last time I checked, neither of us sleep. I do know how to soundproof a room, you know. It might cheer one or both of us up. More importantly, we could spend time together and not have to talk.” Albert thought about it. “I’ll make popcorn, strawberry milk, and mouse burritos,” Secundus shamelessly bribed with a grin.
“Deal,” Albert said.
The two of them walked out of a room, trying not to disturb anyling. “I can’t believe you actually ate mouse burritos,” Albert said in surprise.
“Well, I’ll try anything once. Besides, I’m not a pony or Changeling. I’m me. They were actually pretty good. You like them.”
“Yeah, but I’m at least half snake,” Albert said with a quiet laugh. “That was a pretty good movie. Was Hades really like that?”
Secundus snickered. “Not at all. They weren’t overly true to the myths. Hades was a pretty decent god who drew the short stick. Literally. He wasn’t evil, just … moody. You didn’t want to try and cheat him though, and he was good at thinking up creative punishments for the damned.”
“How come you knew all the words to I Won’t Say I’m in Love?”
“Oh, no reason,” Secundus said carefully and quickly. “I know the words to lots of Disney songs. My friends and I used to reenact most of Frozen. I usually got to be Elsa.”
“What happened to your friends?”
“Well, for one thing, I got sucked into an alternate universe. Before that, they were pretty much gone anyway. We all got older, they grew up, and moved on. I … didn’t. It was bad enough when I was mortal, but with an unlimited lifespan…” Secundus winced. “Anyway, enough moping. I notice you went to school anyway the last few days.”
“Only because I knew you’d make me,” Albert growled.
“I might not have, if you’d talked to me about it. Is it ok if I ask what happened?”
Albert groaned. “There were three older colts who were friends. They … called me some pretty horrible names, and followed me to the portal, then beat me up. I don’t know why. I just …” He snarled, bearing his fangs.
“Well, was it only a one-time thing?”
“Hmm? Oh, no. They got me every day, I just got better at hiding it.”
The plate Secundus was holding shattered in his grip. In a frighteningly calm, reasonable tone, he asked, “They what?” Secundus’s left eye turned gold, and he started arguing with someone who wasn’t there, his paws gesturing. “NO, I’M NOT GOING TO K- Oh, come on, even you aren’t that crue- no, that wouldn’t be funny, I – Hmm? What? No, I can live with that. Fine, let’s do it.”
Secundus turned to Albert, both of his eyes yellow. He gave Albert a smile that was supposed to be friendly, but wasn’t, because it looked like he hadn’t had much practice smiling. He ruffled Albert’s mane. “You’re pretty cute little bro. I can see why he likes you.”
Albert was pretty scared. Secundus (?) then crawled up the wall, and crawled away on the ceiling, chuckling evilly.
Albert slithered into his fathers’ room and nudged his papa. “Albert? What time is it?” Thorax asked blearily.
“I told Dad what happened.”
Thorax sat up, feeling much more awake. “What happened?” he asked, noting Albert’s tone.
“I … uh, … think he finally snapped.”
June Eighth
3:08:36 P.M.
Ponyville
Albert was slithering as fast as his tail would carry him. C’mon, c’mon, almost there, almost there… A yellow aura surrounded him, and stopped his progress, throwing him to the ground. Normally, Albert was fine with the fact that he didn’t have magic of his own, but the past week he’d been seriously cursing this fact.
The three colts that had been picking on Albert appeared behind him. The leader was a tan unicorn colt, his lackeys were a white and a yellow Pegasus. They weren’t much older than Albert seemed to be, but they had been vicious to him.
“Going somewhere, freak? Didn’t you forget to pay the toll?” the leader asked. He levitated Albert closer to him, and was about to beat him up, when a strange sound stopped him.
Buffoonish laughter and a strange honking sound came from behind the colts. They turned and saw a clown stallion behind them. His fur was chalk white, his mane a cotton-candy blue afro, his eyes sky blue, and his cutie mark a pie. He was wearing a frilly collar, and juggling, rather badly.
The clown waved to the colts, then tripped over a rock and dropped all of his balls, a honking sound coming from him as he hit the dirt. Despite their shock, the colts snickered. It was pretty funny. The clown picked himself up and dusted himself off. He extended a hoof in greeting. “Howdy!” he said in a squeaky voice. “I’m Blücher!”
The two Pegasus henchponies reared up onto their hind legs, pawing at the air and whinnying in terror. They stopped, wondering why they had done that, feeling slightly stupid.
The lead colt was so surprised by all this he dropped Albert. Instead of fleeing for the portal, Albert stayed to watch. “I – uh -I don’t-” The colt couldn’t string a sentence together.
The clown smiled. “You seem like a nice colt! Here! Have a balloon!” His hooves blurred around the colt’s hoof, and a dark red balloon was tied to it. The colt hadn’t seen where the balloon had come from. The clown then ruffled the colt’s mane. “Well, it was nice to meet you three!” He gave a salute with a hoof and walked away.
The clown then remembered something and walked back over. “Oh! Some free advice,” he said in a friendly tone. “Don’t pick on a crown Prince of Equestria.” His form shifted. His mane turned black, his eyes turned yellow with slitted pupils, his smile grew larger than should have fit on his muzzle, revealing rows of sharp yellowed teeth. Yellow eyes opened along his sides, and shadowy tentacles instantly sprouted from his back, hoisting the three colts into the air. “You mIghT LiVelOngeR!” two voices snarled discordantly. He then very gently set the colts on the ground. “BOO!” he shouted.
The colts ran for their lives, girlish screams fading away as they did so. The clown shifted back to normal and fell to the ground, rolling on his sides as he laughed hysterically. “Did you see them?” he asked.
Albert sighed. “Dad, you can stop acting weird now.” Secundus shifted back to his Draconequus form. “Don’t ever do that again,” Albert said with a shudder.
“No guarantees,” Secundus said. “I will refrain from doing it in front of you.”
“Thanks,” Albert mumbled. “Can we go home now?”
Secundus snapped his fingers and the two of them were home.
That evening, Secundus was lying next to a sleeping Thorax, listening to him gently snore, reading a book. Without turning over or opening his eyes, Thorax said, “Albert tells me you need to practice your juggling…”
A few snowflakes drifted down as Secundus froze with fear. “Eh, heh. What exactly did he say?” he asked nervously.
Thorax turned over to look at his husband, giving him a look that managed to be amused and unamused at the same time. “That I should restrict your reading Lovecolt before bed. That you interfered. That you can be terrifying and cool at the same time. Also, he wanted me to thank you.”
“Oh.”
Thorax snickered. “He described your ‘Bitwise’ form pretty well. I need to stop letting you read horror stories if you’re going to reenact them in broad daylight.”
Secundus growled, but not at Thorax. “They hurt him, just because he was different from them, and the thought it was FUNNY!” he shouted. “I will never be able to understand that.” His anger faded away and he sighed. “You’re the sane one in the family. I suppose you would have reasoned with the colts, spoken to the teacher, written Twilight, or something reasonable like that.”
Thorax smirked. “No, I would have H’asvvs Zzsip tlk c’ha sszzaks*,” he said, giving his wings a few buzzes to punctuate his accent. (*Ancient Changeish threat: “Put their soft parts on the outside.”) “Those colts are lucky they dealt with you instead of with me, you can talk yourself out of things pretty well. Albert said you seemed to go through a couple of variations of what you were going to do to them.”
Secundus sighed. “Yeah, my first overreaction is never very good. I most likely scarred those colts for life, but no one hurts my family,” he snarled. He sighed. “I would never, ever actually hurt anypony, but if somepony hurts my family, I have no moral qualms about scaring the daylights out of them. I hate that about myself.”
“I know. Next time, we’ll work something out. Albert didn’t tell me it was every day either,” Thorax said with a sigh. Thorax then snickered. “I just have to ask, of all the names for your monster clown ‘sona, why ‘Blücher?’”
Secundus snickered. “Oh, it’s from this insane comedy I loved when I was in my early teens. I just thought the meme would carry over.”
“What meme?” Thorax asked in confusion.
Secundus snaked out of bed and opened the door and glanced out at the darkened Hive corridor. “Blücher!” he shouted. A passing red and gold Changeling guard who was on night patrol reared up onto his hind legs, his wings popped out of his shell, and he pawed at the air, whinnying in terror. Secundus turned back to Thorax and smirked. “See? Meme.” Secundus turned to the guard. “Sorry Vespid.”
Vespid put a hoof his chest to slow down his heartrate. “Don’t do that again!” he snapped.
“Promise,” Secundus said, crossing his hearts to show he meant it. Vespid rolled his eyes and carried on with his patrol, cursing the fact that the kings were so weird.
As Secundus got back into bed, Thorax said, “Well, for today, I’m not going to yell at you. That’ll come later. Some of us in this family are mortal and need sleep, so good night.”
“’Night Thorax.”
Well, you have to admit, it was fun. A voice said.
Oh, hush, Secundus thought. No one asked you. But, yes. It was.That worries me. Please go away.
You know what it would take for me to do that… it said in a sing-song tone.
“Yeah, I know.” Secundus sighed.
“Hmm?” Thorax asked sleepily.
“Just talking to myself, nothing to worry about. Go back to sleep.”
At a horrifically bright and early hour the next morning, Secundus wandered the Hive. Albert was nowhere to be found. Assuming he hadn’t run away from home, that left one place he could be. Oh, great. Secundus thought with a shudder. He grit his teeth and headed to the sub-levels of the Hive. He came to what had officially become his least favorite room in the Hive. “Albert?” Secundus called. Please, please don’t let him be in he-
“Come in!”
Oh, joy. Secundus thought sarcastically. He walked in and his fur puffed up from fear. I’ve got to learn how to control that! he thought angrily. I look ridiculous!
Albert snickered. “Still don’t like it in here?”
“No, and I never will! On the other paw, at least you got them to all stay in one place. I still don’t know how you did that.” Secundus looked at the hundreds of spiders surrounding him and shuddered. “Are they all still alive?” he asked with interest. He hated them, but they were his son’s pets, and he should mourn their deaths. Outwardly at least.
“Yep!” Albert said with a smile. “I have to hunt down a lot of bugs every week to keep them from starving, but so far, they haven’t eaten each other.”
“That’s good,” Secundus said weakly. He cleared his throat. “Anyway, there’s no school today, so I thought we could maybe talk? Or not talk. Just spend time together? I’m … I’m not very good at this,” he literally deflated a bit, sinking in on himself. “I don’t know what to do to help, other than scare the daylights out of ponies…”
Albert snickered. “At least you’re trying to be a good dad. I mean, I’m still alive, right? Plus, that freaky form you had was pretty cool if you’re not on the receiving end. I wish I could shapeshift like that.”
Secundus smirked. “Changelings can only do one form at a time, they can’t alter parts of a form as they want to. You are half Draconequus, so maybe you’ll be able to someday. It would be nice to be able to show you what you can do. I’m … glad you’re feeling better. Twilight’s going to have a stroke when she hears what I did. I’m amazed she hasn’t designed a summoning spell for me yet.”
Albert snickered. “So, you can look like anything?”
Secundus shrugged. “More or less. If I visit another world, I automatically get ‘defaulted’ to the species of that world, but sometimes I can work around that. It helps that I’ve got an amazing and twisted imagination,” he said with an evil sharp-toothed grin.
Albert blinked as he thought of something. “Hey! What did you look like as a human?”
Secundus groaned.
“Sorry, I was just wonder-”
“I didn’t say ‘no,’” Secundus groaned. He shrank back into his old form with long sleeves and pants and no shoes and glanced at himself. He muttered, “Forgot what this looks like.” He sighed. “It’s not like I could have changed it. You know, if I lose focus, sometimes I shapeshift back into this, since I’m more used to it. I had it a lot longer. Make one derogatory remark about my appearance, and I’ll-”
“Actually, you look pretty good.”
“Hmph. Thanks. I usually describe myself as ‘pale and tragic,’ just as a joke. Of course, I’m the only human you’ve actually seen in person. If you ever go to Earth, I’m sure you’ll see I’m Handsverage.”
“What’s that?”
“Averagely handsome,” Secundus said with a smirk.
“Why are you wearing clothes?”
Secundus laughed hysterically. “I’ve gotten used to being a nudist as a Draconequus, but then I have fur covering everything. Humans nearly always wear clothes, except in certain circumstances. That, and I file me without a shirt on under “Things Man Was Not Meant To Know.” It’s not that bad, I just don’t like it.”
“Why is your mane different colors on different parts of your head?”
“What? Oh! My hair and my goat, right?” Secundus pointed to each patch of hair.
“Goat?” Albert asked in confusion.
Secundus laughed. “This kind of beard is called a goatee, like what Discord and I have. Most of my friends and family just shorten it to ‘goat.’ To answer your first question, the reason they’re different colors is because genetics is weird in my family. Most of my mom’s cousins are extremely red-headed, and that somehow wound up in my beard, giving me a blood red goatee naturally. I really like it, I’d wanted a goatee since I was six, the cool color just made it better.”
“What’s ‘genetics?’”
“We’ll cover that later,” Secundus said. “Can I please change back now?”
Albert nodded. Secundus shifted back to his furry noodle look he loved. Secundus cleared his throat. “So, anyway, I wanted to ask you something important. Assuming that those colts’ parents don’t sue me for mental trauma, and I didn’t just get you kicked out of school, do you want to keep going to that school, or do you want me to homeschool you? You don’t have to answer right away, but I’d need an answer by Monday.”
“I’ll think about it,” Albert replied.
Albert chose to go back to school. Amazingly, Secundus didn’t get in trouble for what he’d done. The fact that the colts were too afraid of it happening again to tell anypony might have had something to do with it. Mrs. Flintheart was surprised by the change in the colts’ behavior towards Albert. It was like they were going out of their way to be nice to him.
Albert came home from school one day and set his overflowing backpack down. Secundus eyed it. “I know it’s Summer School, but I don’t remember having that much homework when I went.”
“Mrs. Flintheart gives me extra because I’m so far behind the other students in what I know,” Albert grumbled.
“I’m really sorry about that. You are only a year old, and I couldn’t cram what most ponies get in sixteen years into six months. I’m sorry if that ruined your life, I know what it’s like to fall behind in school.”
“It’s … fine. As long as you spend every night helping me catch up,” Albert said with an evil grin.
Secundus groaned. “It’s a deal.”
The two of them settled into a routine. Secundus would cram as many of his duties as a king as possible into the time Albert was at school, and the two of them would stay up all night studying and doing homework together.
Because Secundus was better at helping Albert study since neither of them needed sleep, Thorax had to pick up the slack in the duties of running the Hive and maintaining relationships with other, more powerful countries. There were times it took its toll on him.
Secundus was in Thorax and his combined study. Thorax was surrounded by piles of paperwork. “Moosey, I’m bored. Do you want to do something?”
Thorax’s pencil snapped on the scroll he had been writing. He turned and glared at his husband. “If you don’t let me finish this report to the Minoans, … I’ll put on the ‘Titanic’ theme song,” he hissed dangerously.
Secundus’s eyes widened, and his fur visibly paled under his fur. “You wouldn’t.”
Thorax grinned evilly. “Oh, yes, I would! And I’ll make sure there isn’t a single tissue or hoofkercheif in the entire Hive!”
“All right! I’m going! I should never have watched that movie with you!” Secundus shouted, quickly disappearing before Thorax could make good on his threat.
Thorax got back to work. After a few minutes he sighed. “Sec?” he called.
Secundus appeared behind him and started to rub his withers. “Yes, my liege?”
Thorax gave a happy sigh. “I just missed you. Let me work though. I just have to ask, why do you keep a record of a song that reduces you to a sobbing wreck around?”
Secundus frowned. “My emotions are … different. Sometimes I feel everything at once, and other times, I can’t feel anything at all. When I can’t feel anything, I start by trying to feel sad, so I can work my way up.”
“Oh. So that’s why you made this?” Thorax levitated something over. It was a music box, like the one Secundus had given him for his birthday. Thorax wasn’t sure what the song was, or what the figure on top was supposed to be. It looked like a goat in a green and yellow stripped sweater, standing in a field of buttercups.
Secundus drew back and pressed himself against the wall. “Put that down and no one gets hurt. I’m not up for feeling that much today.”
Thorax smirked, and wound it up. A song that was like a lullaby began to play. Secundus pulled out a white handkerchief with black polka-dots and began to sob. Thorax heard him muttering, “Why couldn’t they just SAVE him?” He gave a shout of “Damn you, Toby Fox! Quit making me feel things!” He went back to crying, a little more quietly.
When he was done, Thorax said, “Someday, you have to tell me why that song does that to you.”
Secundus sniffled. “It’s a long story. Equestria has videogames, but not a computer advanced enough for this yet. I don’t want to spoil it. It just … messes with my hearts, that’s all. He was pretty cute.” Thorax wondered who Secundus was talking about. Secundus blew his nose and said, “Listen, why don’t I take over for a bit? The garden could use some TLC, I know it always helps you feel better.”
Thorax smiled. “You mean it?” Secundus nodded. Thorax hugged him and gave him a quick kiss. “Thanks! You just need to fill out that form in triplicate, and then there’s ten easier forms to go, plus a letter to Celestia.” He flew out the door so fast he was a blur.
Secundus sighed wearily, he hated paperwork. There wasn’t a lot he could do about it. Changelings had next to no paperwork, since everyling knew everyling, but the other kingdoms of Equestria sent mountains of the stuff to the Hive. All just part of being a ruler.
That afternoon, Albert slithered into the study. “Hi, dad. How’s it going?”
“Miserably. Could you do me a favor?” Albert nodded. “Can you go down to the kitchen and see if we have any pears? I could just conjure one, but I like the taste of food that’s actually grown somewhere better, and I can’t leave this desk. Your papa would kill me.”
Albert nodded. “Sure, I’ll go look.” One long trip to the kitchen and back, and Albert reentered the room, carefully balancing a pear in his hoof.
Secundus glanced up. “What’s that?”
“You wanted a pear,” Albert said in confusion.
Secundus bared his teeth at the fruit and growled. He then picked it up. A hole in the exterior of the Hive opened up in front of him, serving as a window. Secundus tossed the pear through the hole, it must have flown fifty feet. “AND STAY OUT!!!” Secundus screamed, practically in the Royal Canterlot Voice.
“I thought you wanted a pear.” Albert was used to Secundus being random, but this was a bit much.
Secundus shuddered. “I hate pears, they’re all mushy and belug. Bring me bacon!” he said urgently.
Albert noticed that Secundus’s eyes were a bright gold. A thought struck him. “Can I talk to Dad?” he asked.
“Sure, I thought we were talking,” Secundus asked in a confused tone, his eyes and manner back to normal. He looked at Albert. “We didn’t have any pears?” he asked in a disappointed voice.
Albert didn’t have a clue how to describe what had just happened, so he simply said, “No.”
“Oh, that’s too bad.” Secundus conjured up a nectarine and bit into it with a loud “crunch.” “Thanks anyway,” he said.
When Albert got to the door, he turned back and asked, “Uh, Dad? Do you have another p-”
“Another what?” Secundus asked.
“Another possible way to spend the day?” Albert lied.
Secundus sighed. “No. I really wish I did. Tell you what, after homework tonight, I’ll play Scramble with you! I know you like it.”
Albert smiled. “Thanks. See you then.”
June Twenty-First
As the family were sitting down, having one of their bi-weekly breakfasts, Secundus’s nose twitched. “Hold on, I - I - *A-CHOO!” A letter popped out of his mouth. “While I’m glad I don’t burp correspondence, sneezing it isn’t much better.” Secundus complained. He opened the letter, then dropped it like he’d been burned. Albert caught a glint of gold. “I know this is an annual event, and every year I forget it’s coming up,” Secundus growled, clicking in the back of his throat.
“What’s up?” Albert asked.
Secundus reached down and held up three golden tickets. “We’ve been invited to the Grand Galloping Gala,” he said in the tone of someone saying, “We’ve been invited to hand-feed sharks.” “Again,” he grumbled.
“It isn’t that bad,” Thorax said calmly.
“Making small talk to snobby, speciest upper-class ponies who think you’re a class-jumper in a setting that would tranquilize Pinkie Pie is not my idea of a good evening,” Secundus growled. “I can barely manage to make small talk with my friends. I never know what to say to the upper class! I grew up on the other side of the scale.”
Thorax smirked. “I was a homeless renegade for my early adult life. You think I’m comfortable in a setting like that?”
“Touché,” Secundus said with a smile. He then said, “Right I need to make a quick trip to the ends of Equestria to find a Tatzlwurm.”
Thorax said, “Why do you need to do that?!”
“They’re one of five things in this universe that can make a Draconequus sick. I’m getting out of this if it kills me, which can’t happen.”
“Sec!” Thorax said in an exasperated tone. “It’s one night! You’ll live! Besides, if we’re all invited, we all get to suffer together.”
Sec nodded. He looked like he wanted to start picking out his coffin. He peered at Albert. “Do you have any idea what size clothes you wear? I think you’ve grown again since school started.”
“Why do you need to know?” asked Albert.
“It’s a formal-attire event. Of course, nopony wears pants, but that’s normal in Equestria. I’d need to make you a tux to wear. Actually, the dressing up part can be kind of fun. I know how sensitive you are about textures though.” He snapped his fingers and a tux jacket, dress shirt, and blue bow-tie appeared in his paw on a hanger. He pawed it to Albert. “Right, try that on to start with, and I’ll adjust it any way you need or want. Try not to go crazy with the colors, it’s best to stick to black or white for the jacket, and save colors for the tie, and a pocket square if you want one. That’s as much of a fashion lesson as I can give you, since I don’t remotely understand fashion.”
Albert nodded and took the jacket, slithering away to try it on.
Thorax was silently laughing. “What?” Secundus asked.
“Nothing. You just make a good mother sometimes.”
“Oh, shut up. I’m his dad, I’m not going to fit into a gender stereotype just because somepony thinks I should.”
Albert slithered back in. “It’s a great fit! It needs something though.”
Secundus snapped his fingers. Thin grey lines in the pattern of scales appeared on the jacket, and Albert’s tie changed to a pretty blue and gold tie with sequins. A yellow pocket square appeared in the jacket pocket.
Seeing Thorax’s look, Secundus said, “One of my philosophies in life is ‘If you’re walking into a room where everyone will judge you, go wild.’ That way, they can get all the judging done faster, and you’ll know who likes you for you and not the clothes you’re wearing.” He held up a tux that looked like it belonged to Schism from Batmane, half black, half white. “Besides, they’re almost used to me in this, so I’ll have to whip something else up. Next year.” Thorax chuckled.
That evening, the trio made their way to Canterlot Castle. They showed their tickets to the guard and entered the battleground party.
“Kings Thorax and Secundus and Prince Albert of the Changeling Kingdom!” The announcer proclaimed.
“There’s Twilight!” Thorax called. “She’s with Celestia and Luna.”
“Well, I shouldn’t commit a faux pas at the beginning. I usually save several to scatter throughout the evening.” Secundus said.
The three waited in the insanely long line to greet the Princesses. Secundus fought down three impulses to “liven things up.” He glanced around the room. “No Discord,” he sighed. Normally, Discord and Fluttershy attended this event, but Discord practically had Fluttershy under house arrest he was so worried about her and the baby. It was sweet, but he was overdoing things a bit. “I would arrive in Equestria and have to attend this and miss when it got interesting,” Secundus grumbled.
After the first second of Eternity passed, the family finally got to the front of the line. Secundus gave a bow. “Your majesties,” he greeted.
Celestia chuckled. “Oh, good heavens, Secundus, there’s no need for that!”
“I find it pays to be polite. That way, they won’t see it coming,” Secundus replied with a grin. “Besides, you three have been royalty a lot longer than I have. I’d like to respect your seniority. Thank you for the invitation,” he said politely. “I don’t think we should take up too much of your time. May I present Prince Albert Jones, our son?”
Celestia and Luna nodded. Secundus nudged Albert forward a bit. Albert gave a bow to the three Princesses as best he could. “It’s nice to meet you,” he mumbled. “Nice to see you again, Twilight,” he said with a more sincere smile.
“Nice to see you! Sombra is here, hiding near the punch probably, if you three would like to offer moral support.”
“Thank you,” Thorax said.
The three headed into the event proper. Secundus and Thorax were an extremely unconventional couple by Canterlot Society standards, so Secundus was used to whispers and rude stares, but he’d be damned if he let somepony insult Albert his first time here.
They were only walking down the stairs, and were about three feet into the hall, when the whispers started. Secundus cursed the fact that he couldn’t ignore sounds, and he was pretty sure Albert couldn’t either.
“Do you see that?!”
“Is it some sort of giant snake?”
“They would have a freak of nature for a son!” Secundus’s head whipped around to see the stallion who’d made that remark. His eyes flashed yellow, and the stallion’s cup of punch spilled all over his three-thousand-bit suit. Secundus’s eyes remained yellow for a few seconds, and he clicked a few times in the back of his throat before he brushed it off and kept walking.
He whispered to Albert, “It helps if you don’t care what anypony thinks. Most of the ponies here are bigoted idiots who think they’re the gods’ gift to Equestria. I’m really sorry you have to go through this. I’ll stay with you, if you want me to.” Albert silently nodded.
The three of them got to the buffet table, Secundus shaking in anger at they way the upper crust had talked about his son. He was used to ponies (and humans) talking about him like that, but he couldn’t forgive them treating Albert that way. Secundus loaded up his plate with ‘hoof foods,’ that he’d never have been able to afford as a mortal. A waiter passed by with a tray. “Would you like a drink sir?” he politely inquired.
“No, thank you very much for the offer. If I want something I can get it myself.”
“Of course, sir.” The waiter bowed out.
Secundus sighed and snapped his fingers. A tall clear glass filled with a blood red liquid that bubbled and smoked appeared in his paw. The glass had a crazy straw. “That had better not be alcoholic,” Thorax said in warning tones.
“Believe me, I don’t want to be drunk at this. I’m dangerous enough sober. It’s just a more exotic form of punch.”
“Is that actual blood?” Albert asked.
“That would be telling,” Secundus replied, taking a long sip. “Why don’t you two go and see if you can find Sombra? I just need a minute to calm down.”
As he ate and drank to stop from throttling sompony, Secundus recognized somepony approaching him. Haven’t I suffered enough? he thought.
Regalus Blueblood walked over, a slight smirk hovering at the edges of his lips. “Good evening Secundus.”
“Evening Blueblood.” He was not in the mood for a game of social chess. If they were going to play a game, it would be his game.
“How is your family?”
“Pretty well, just plotting global domination. You know, the usual.”
“A pity. Your son is so like you! How charming.”
Secundus snapped, literally and metaphorically. When he snapped his fingers, the party around them greyed out, time slowed down, and silence surrounded them. Secundus bent down, and whispered in Blueblood’s ear, “Most ponies who read about you or even know you don’t think you’re capable of love. I know you are, and I know who you love, and if you push me any more, I can, and I will destroy your life with it.” The lips on one half of Secundus’s mouth rolled back to reveal pointy fangs and shadow covered his face. “SSSStay away from my ssssson,” he hissed softly.
Blueblood was a born and raised Canterlot royal. He was an expert at constructing the perfect mask to seduce anypony, and more importantly, not reveal what he really thought. Both of his ears twitched, his knees started knocking, and he swallowed nervously. “O-of course!” he said with a nervous laugh. “I meant it as a compliment, truly!”
Secundus growled and he snapped his fingers. Time and the party returned in full force. Blueblood quickly trotted away. If anypony knew him well enough to read him, they would have said he was trying very, very hard not to gallop for his life.
Secundus noticed that he was messing with gravity slightly, judging by the fact that everything on the table behind him was floating. . He sighed and stalked out to the gardens. He very carefully avoided the menagerie and found a quiet spot to be alone.
In a dark part of the gardens it started to snow. Secundus blasted a blue beam from his hand. A life-sized ice sculpture of Blueblood appeared. It was exquisite, if Blueblood had seen it, he would have shipped himself with it instantly. Other ice sculptures representing the nobles of Canterlot appeared. The plants and trees frosted over. Secundus snapped his fingers and created a triple soundproof bubble around himself and his newly-minted ice garden. He took a deep breath and began to scream. It was a long scream, it started lower than most species could hear, low enough to make the statues move, and then it slowly started to rise in pitch.
As he continued to scream, Secundus’s form shifted/split open. He turned into a writhing mound of flesh and mouths lined with razor-sharp teeth. Tentacles lined with suckers and teeth, and spidery legs tipped with long-fingered hands unfolded and started to shake at the sky. Thirty blue and yellow eyes opened along the mound, and the scream continued. It rose past the point glass should have broken at and disappeared into the ultrasonic. Finally, it stopped. Secundus exhaled slowly through all his mouths, feeling drained.
There was a polite knocking on the outside of the bubble. Six eyes swiveled, and saw Thorax waiting patiently outside it. The bubble opened for him to walk through. Thorax examined the miraculously intact sculptures. “Beautiful work, even if it is just magic,” he commented. He chuckled. “You have a VERY strange way of working out anger.”
“If it stops me breaking things or hurting ponies, I’m all for it,” Secundus mumbled through six mouths. “Besides, when I’m angry, I’d rather make something than break it.”
Thorax laughed. He walked over and hugged the mound roughly around the middle. “Thorax?” Secundus asked hesitantly, “I’m not exactly ‘dressed’ for this.”
“Shh. I’m hugging my fluffy eldritch abomination,” Thorax whispered softly.
Secundus rolled eight of his eyes, and a snort escaped one of his mouths. “Thorax, I don’t even have fur, so how can I be fluffy?”
“If I say you’re fluffy, you’re fluffy.” Thorax said in firm tones. Secundus obediently sprouted long grey fur. Thorax let out a shriek of laughter. “Sec, that’s not what I meant! I just meant I like you even when you’re like this. You’re kind of cute.”
Secundus snickered. “You and Fluttershy are the only two beings in Equestria who would call something like this cute or use an eldritch abomination as a teddy bear.”
“I had a pretty good idea what I was marrying,” Thorax said with a grin. “Just out of curiosity, do you like having forms that look like this?”
None of Secundus’s eyes would meet Thorax’s gaze. “Uh … … maybe?” he said hesitantly.
Thorax laughed. “I think Albert needs us.”
Secundus let out a swearword in an alien language. “I totally forgot! I promised I’d stay with him!” He flowed back into his Draconequus form in his tux, picked Thorax up bridal style, and rushed the two of them back into the party.
They found Albert happily talking to Sombra and both let out a sigh of relief. “How ya doing?” asked Secundus.
“Good,” said Albert letting out a yawn. “Kind of boring, I’m a bit sleepy.”
To Secundus’s surprise, nopony was picking on Albert. Sombra noticed him glancing around and took him aside. “Some of the nobles were making derogatory remarks about him loud enough for me to hear, so I quietly took them aside and explained to them that if they didn’t stop, they’d have to go through me and I’m a dark lord.”
“Former dark lord,” Secundus corrected.
“Old habits die hard,” Sombra said with a fang filled grin. Secundus laughed. “Now, I think we’re both supposed to make mind-numbing small talk with ponies who hate us, or something to that effect,” Sombra said in a chipper tone. On the one hoof, his smile was wide, happy, and charming. On the other hoof, it made him look like he was going to pounce and devour you alive. Secundus knew he was doing both on purpose.
They two of them grabbed their families and partners and headed into the fray. Secundus did his best to make small talk, and Thorax had to give him credit for trying. If any of the nobles could see past themselves, they would have noticed Secundus’s shadow. It wasn’t shaped like any creature on Equestria, was dressed in a top hat and tails, had a long, curved cane, and was dancing wildly, apparently having the time of its life. Only Secundus heard it, but someone was singing loudly. I left my head and my heart on the dance floor! We’re sorry, the number you have reached is not in service at this time, please check the number, or try your call again.
You really need to find a new theme song, Secundus thought. This is heading into torture territory.
What, and spoil the fun? Thank you, by the way, you’re doing pretty well for you.
When the evening finally came to a close, Secundus picked Albert up. He had collapsed into a snoring tube.
“I thought Albert didn’t sleep,” Thorax commented.
“I’m pretty sure he was bored to sleep,” Secundus joked. “That’s about the only thing that would do it for me.”
They came to Celestia and Luna. “Thank you for an … interesting evening. Hopefully I didn’t mess things up too much.”
“I’ve been told the castle now has an exquisite out of season ice garden,” Celestia said with a grin. “You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that?”
“Consider it a gift and an apology. Oh, do me a favor. Send your nephew to his room with no desert. He was the worst of them to Albert.” Celestia looked upset at that. “Until we meet again,” Secundus said with a bow.
Secundus brought the three of them home. He vanished Albert’s tux, set him in his bed, and tucked him in. He stepped out into the hall, gave a wide yawn, and fell backwards, snoring loudly, still in his tux.
Like father, like son, Thorax thought with a grin. His horn lit up, and he levitated Secundus into their room. Thankfully it wasn’t too far, Secundus was too heavy for this.
July Fourteenth
“But dad!” Albert protested.
“No buts Albert,” Secundus said, “We’ve been planning this for over a year!”
“Dad, could you just-”
“ALBERT EPICRATES JONES!!” Secundus bellowed, “If you don’t let your papa and I celebrate our wedding anniversary, so help me gods, I will exile you to another dimension!! And it will not be full of sock puppets! Humidity will be the least of your problems,” he hissed.
Thorax got in between his son and his husband, and very gently pushed them apart. He honestly didn’t know who he was protecting from who, Albert was every bit as stubborn as Secundus, they were both a match for each other.
“Albert, your dad’s been very busy with work, so he’s been stressed. He’s a bit snappish at the moment.” Thorax said, trying to maintain harmony.
“I am not!” Secundus snapped.
Thorax rolled his eyes, and said to his son, “Look, he really needs this. I really need this. It will be good for us both. It’s just for the one day and night, if we’re right, we should be back early tomorrow morning. Your uncle Pharynx will look after you while we’re gone.”
“I have a foal-sitter?!” Albert exploded in outrage.
Secundus sighed. “No, I know you’re old enough and responsible enough to spend the day on your own. He’s just there if you need him, or if you get bored. I’m very sorry for yelling at you.”
Albert growled. Pharynx walked over, and tried to put a leg around Albert, remembering he hated to be touched in time to withdraw it. “Come on, I can be fun if I try!” Pharynx said. Albert chuckled. As Thorax and Secundus got ready to leave, Pharynx called, “Hey, aren’t you at least going to tell me to put the grub to bed at a reasonable hour?”
“Nope,” said Secundus. He grinned. “Albert, put your uncle to bed at a reasonable hour, mortals get cranky if you don’t let them sleep.”
Albert smiled. “Have fun, but please hurry back.”
Secundus nodded. “I’ll bring you back something fun!” He snapped his fingers, and he and Thorax were gone.
It was a hot, clear day in Sahara Square. In an empty alleyway, a lion stepped out of the shadows. He was tall, and lanky. His fur was an unusually bright yellow, with a black mane, and sky-blue eyes. He was wearing a slate-grey t-shirt, and black pants. Around his neck hung a yin/yang pendant.
From behind him, a queasy voice said, “Oog. I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to that.” The lion’s eyes adjusted, and he noticed a tiger leaning against the wall behind him. While the lion was lanky, the tiger was in great shape.
Once the nausea cleared, Thorax looked over at his mate. He didn’t have access to his empathy at the moment, which was kind of freaking him out, but he was pretty sure he knew that look. “What?!” he asked.
Secundus ran a paw through his mane, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly, a sheepish smile on his face, a blush showing through his fur. “Sorry,” he said in an embarrassed mumble. “I’ve got a … thing … for tigers.”
Thorax grinned. “Oh, so is that why you’re panting?”
“We’re in Sahara Square! It’s hot out!” Secundus stammered.
“Rrriiiigght…” Thorax said evilly. He then stepped out into the light. When Secundus saw his shirt, he let out a shriek of laughter. Thorax looked down. While he was wearing a comfortable pair of jeans, his t-shirt was not to his taste. It was a lime green that clashed horribly with his orange and black fur. Purple block letters across his chest proclaimed: “Love Bug.” “Very funny,” Thorax growled.
Secundus grinned. “I don’t pick out what I wear or look like when I visit another planet. You really think I had time to customize your shirt?”
“I wouldn’t put it past you,” Thorax muttered. He took a step forward and fell down. “How do you walk on only two legs?!” he shouted.
Secundus shrugged. “Sorry, I’m used to it. Being a quadruped for me is as weird as being a biped is for you.” He walked over and helped Thorax to his hindpaws. “Use your tail as a counter-balance, that should help.” With Secundus holding his arm for support, Thorax took a few wobbling steps. After a few more, he got the hang of it. “Your voice sounds funny,” Thorax commented.
“Well, I can’t exactly have the special effects voice here. This is what I sounded like as a human, actually.”
“I like it, it’s kind of cute.”
Secundus then examined Thorax’s large paw and took it in his own. “What’s up?” Thorax asked.
“Oh, sorry, I just wanted to hold your hand. I hold your hoof all the time, but it’s not the same, since I grew up expecting to hold hands. When you’ve got fingers, you lace them together, like … this!” he said as their fingers interwove. He then sighed happily. “Sorry if I’m being weird, but … it’s been a really long time since I’ve held anyone’s hand. As in years before I even came to Equestria.”
“Technically, we’re holding paws, not hands,” Thorax pointed out.
“Oh, hush. Don’t ruin this moment.”
A shadow blotted out the sun. “Aw, isn’t that adorable,” a large, deep voice boomed, “Two kitty-cats in love.”
Secundus looked up at the rhinoceros towering over him, then at the gun clenched in his hand. Secundus’s hackles automatically rose, but he tried to keep it under control.
The rhino pointed the gun. “Wallets, credit cards, money. Now,” he growled.
Secundus put his paws up. “I don’t have any money,” he said slowly, enunciating each word.
“Gee, that’s too bad,” The rhino said. He then slammed Secundus against the wall. Secundus went down hard, a trickle of bright blue liquid leaking from where his head hit the wall. Thorax screamed. The rhino pointed the gun at him. “What about you handsome? You got any money?” Thorax’s eyes went wide. Something tapped the rhino on the shoulder. He whirled around. “What?” he snapped. His eyes went wide with terror. Standing behind him was something horrible. It was nearly twice as tall as he was, jet-black and slimy, it had no face but far too many eyes and mouths, and the standard assortment of tentacles.
The rhino started to blubber. The thing then opened several of its mouths, and let out a metallic, screeching roar. The rhino fainted dead away.
Thorax looked at the monstrosity and sighed. “I have to give you points for imagination, but I think you over-did it a bit this time.”
The thing moved several of its limbs in an approximation of a shrug, before shrinking back into a lion, and pulling his shirt back on. Secundus glared at the fallen gun. His hackles were raised, and his muzzle was parted in a silent snarl. “I really, really hate those things,” he growled.
Thorax knew better than to ask what it was at the moment. Instead he said, “I thought on worlds with no magic, you had to try and be subtle.”
“That was being subtle,” Secundus growled. “No one hurts you in front of me.” Seeing Thorax’s expression, he sighed and said, “Look, most lifeforms refuse to see what they think can’t exist. It’s a defense mechanism. When he wakes up, he’ll have convinced himself the whole thing was a nightmare, and I won’t have to help with that. Nobody would believe him, anyway.”
Thorax opened his mouth to tell his husband off. Before he could get a word out, a voice cried, “OK, what is going on here?”
They both turned around to the mouth of the alley. Standing in it was a lanky red fox in a police uniform. His green eyes were narrowed in suspicion, and his tail was twitching irritably. He then noticed the fallen rhinoceros between the two large cats. He recognized the face. “Oh, boy,” the fox muttered. “Was this sack of potatoes trying to rob you two?” he asked.
Wordlessly, Secundus nodded. “Hmph. Welcome to Zootopia,” the fox muttered irritably. He then spoke into a radio wired into his ear. “Hey, Carrots? Yeah, I’ve got Steve McHorn here.” The reply was inaudible. “Yes, that Steve McHorn, how many do you think there are? He’s in Sahara Square, in the alley between Oasis and Ypress.” The fox chuckled at the unheard reply. “No, actually you don’t have your favorite stud-muffin to thank for his capture. Somehow, a lion and tiger managed to make him pass out.” The fox sniffed. “And wet himself.” The fox then flipped a lazy salute at the unseen person at the other end of the call. “Roger. Over and out.”
The fox then looked at the two large cats. “In all seriousness, welcome to Zootopia, sorry about the welcoming committee. How’d you manage to take down a fully-grown rhino?”
“I didn’t ‘take him out,’” Secundus huffed, “I just scared him a bit.”
The fox raised an eyebrow, his face radiating disbelief. “Riiiighht. And I’m the tooth fairy.” Thorax chuckled. “He might not look like it, but my mate can be genuinely terrifying when he wants to be.”
“Oh, you kids are mates?” The fox asked politely.
Thorax nodded. “Yep! He brought me here to celebrate our anniversary.”
The fox stuffed his paws in his pockets. “Well, that’s sweet I suppose. Oh, where are my manners?” He stuck out a paw. “Officer -“
“Nicholas Piberius Wilde!” Secundus said excitedly. He took the fox’s much smaller paw in his own, shaking it so fast Nick was worried it would fall off. “I knew you looked familiar! Huge, huge fan!”
Nick chuckled weakly, trying to shake some life back into his paw. The only other mammal he’d met who could be that enthusiastic was Benjamin Clawhauser. Nick vaguely wondered for a minute if it was a large cat thing. Nah, the tiger looked pretty relaxed. “Well, I’m … glad to have a fan, I guess. Anyway, what’s your name?”
“Secundus,” Secundus replied automatically, forgetting he was supposed to lie.
Nick snickered. “What, you were the second-born in your pride?”
“Something like that,” Secundus muttered.
Nick crossed his arms and grinned. “So, where’d you grow up?”
Secundus shrugged. “Oh, a large farming city I’m sure you’ve never heard of. We’re kind of famous for raisins. And broccoli,” he finished with distaste.
Nick chuckled and turned to Thorax. “And you are …?”
Thorax was a much better liar than Secundus and knew that the name “Thorax” wouldn’t work here. “Thomas,” he said casually. Secundus snickered. “I grew up … out West and traveled around a lot growing up.”
Nick took out a notepad and pen. “OK then. Secundus and Thomas what?”
“Fangsley-Clawsen,” Secundus replied quickly, remembering how last names worked on this planet.
Nick jotted down the names. He then looked at Secundus. His head tilted to the side a bit. “Have we met? You seem familiar. I never forget a face.”
Secundus shrugged. “I … passed through very briefly with my cousin about three years ago and managed to disrupt traffic. I knew that fox and rabbit looked familiar!” he muttered to himself. “I’ve been back twice since then, once for business, once for pleasure. I never stay very long, I’ve got a lot to do.”
“Hmm,” was all Nick said. He then said, “Well, my partner’s busy helping out with a mouse auto accident, but she’ll be right over, and we’ll have more questions for you. Try not to wander off, I get huffy when witnesses do that.”
“Got it,” Thorax said. He then walked Secundus a few feet out of the alley. He stared in fascination at the things racing by on the street. “What are those?”
“Hmm?” Secundus said, not understanding. “Oh! Those. I forgot you don’t have a reference for that. They’re cars, they’re a mode of transport. If it provides context, in the old days when they first started coming out, they were called ‘horseless carriages.’ At least that’s what they were called on Earth, I have no idea what they were called here.”
“Oh, OK,” said Thorax. They stepped out into the busy square. Secundus kept shooting nervous looks back at the alleyway they had just come from. Thorax took grabbed Secundus’s muzzle and turned his face so that he was looking at him. “Don’t look back, just keep your eyes on me.”
Secundus stopped dead in his tracks. He grinned. “You’re holding back,” he supplied.
Thorax’s head tilted. He then grinned as well. “Shut up and dance with me!” he shouted. The two of them grabbed each other’s paws and whirled around the square to music only they could hear.
When the “song” was done, they bowed to each other. Nick’s voice called, “So, what do ya think, Carrots? Do we arrest them for being such horrible dancers, or give them a medal for being so gosh-darn cute?”
Thorax and Secundus turned around to find a grey rabbit with purple eyes in a police uniform leaning against her partner, a smirk on her face. “I don’t know,” she said slyly, “I thought the tiger was grrrrreat!”
Secundus grabbed Thorax and drew him closer to him. “Mine,” he snarled.
Thorax rolled his eyes and pulled out of Secundus’s grip. “Please forgive my husband, he’s not good in social situations, and he’s a bit … clingy. In a good way. We get … separated sometimes, and it never goes well.”
Secundus cleared his throat. “Sorry,” he muttered. He dug his claws into his arm, trying to focus. One of his hindpaws started tapping out a nervous beat, and he began to fidget.
Thorax noticed, and said, “Hey, you’re OK, alright? It’s fine, I’m glad you feel that way. Stop overthinking their reaction.” Secundus nodded.
Nick’s mouth had fallen open. He then cleared his throat, looking a bit uncomfortable, and said, “Anyways, this is my better half, the one who reminds me to keep on the mostly straight and narrow, Judy-”
“Lavrene Hopps.” Secundus finished. He stuck out a paw. “Pleasure to meet you, I saw you during the Nighthowler case.”
Judy shook his paw. “Nice to meet you too. Anyways, we have some questions about the … uh, almost mugging. Is that OK?”
Secundus nodded. When the two officers had finished their questions, Nick asked. “Uh, listen… I don’t suppose you could help us load him into the back of the cruiser? We can’t exactly manage a rhino on our own.”
“Sure!” said Secundus. He walked into the alleyway and returned carrying Steve’s still unconscious body. When he noticed Judy and Nick’s jaws hit the pavement, he quickly dropped him, hunched over, and put a paw to his back. “Ow. My back,” he said unconvincingly.
Thorax rolled his eyes again, and helped Secundus, Judy, and Nick load the rhino into the large car. “Well, thank you both!” called Judy. The two officers drove away.
“You really need to learn how to lie,” chuckled Thorax.
“Tell me about it,” muttered Secundus. He then laughed. “I would pick a nice, quiet alley to appear in, and get mugged five minutes later. How does the Doctor do it?”
“Doctor who?” asked Thorax.
“That is an excellent question, but he usually hangs around Ponyville fixing clocks. I don’t know him very well, but nobody really does.”
“So, what do you want to do now?” asked Thorax. “I assume you had plans.”
“Yep! I wanted to show you around town. I love it here.” Secundus looked at a clock. “It’s almost lunchtime, actually. Are you at all hungry?”
Thorax thought about it. “I have an overpowering craving for a tuna fish sandwich,” he said with surprise.
Secundus chuckled. “It’s a bit of a stereotype, but tigers will do anything for a tuna fish sandwich.”
Thorax folded his arms. “Oh, yeah? What, pray tell, do they say about lions?”
Secundus shrugged. “That we’re a bunch of lazy freeloaders who use our status to live the good life without ever raising a claw.”
Thorax nodded. “That’s pretty true.”
“I pull my weight around the Hive!” snapped Secundus.
Thorax chuckled. “I’m joking, I know you help out.”
“So, if you want tuna, the best restaurant is … this way. I think.”
It only took two tries and four blocks to find the restaurant that Secundus was thinking of. “You’re getting better at finding things,” Thorax commented. Secundus chuckled, and pulled Thorax’s seat out for him, then sat down and opened the menu. “You said you’ve been here before, but how did you know those two? It’s obvious you’ve never met before.”
Secundus winced. “It’s a funny story. It’s the same reason I knew so much about Equestria when I first came there.”
“Which is a roundabout way of saying you’re not telling me,” groaned Thorax.
Secundus nodded. “For the million-fourth time, it’s for the best if I don’t tell anypony.”
“It’s not that I don’t believe that, but I’m your husband! If you can take me to other worlds, surely you can spill some of your past secrets!”
Secundus chuckled. “What and ruin the fun?” he glanced at the menu. “I … haven’t had seafood in almost three years, so would you forgive me if…?”
Thorax chuckled. “Go for it.”
Secundus ordered a sushi bowl, and Thorax got his tuna fish sandwich. As they chewed, Secundus asked, “So, what do you want to see? The city’s divided up by habitat, so they have almost any climate you’d like to visit. We could go see a movie, have a snowball fight in Tundratown, go shopping in the Rainforest District, visit the Outerback, what sounds good?”
Thorax thought about it. He grinned. “Surprise me!” he declared.
Secundus did just that, hopping from district to district like a madmamal. He wanted to show Thorax everything, and he came pretty close. As he walked, he couldn’t help but sing Shakira Gazelle’s Try Everything. Thorax said that he sounded better with two voices, to which Secundus replied, “Yes, of course. What did you expect?”
As the day wore on, the sun started setting. Secundus took Thorax to an upscale restaurant, treating him to a romantic dinner. When they were done, Secundus asked, “OK, I know I don’t get tired, and you do, but is there anything else you want to do before heading to the hotel?”
Thorax thought about it. “I’d really like to go dancing again. If that’s not too much trouble.”
Secundus thought about it. “Well, it’s after dark, so the only place we could really dance would be in a club. Which would mean I’d have to forge us some IDs, but that’s easy enough. The thing I’m worried about is that clubs can be kind of … well …” He paused when he saw Thorax’s expression. “You owe me!” he sighed, grabbing Thorax’s paw.
A door in a back alley opened. A lion stumbled out, clutching his head. He sank against the brick wall in front of him, groaning slightly. “I forgot what noise does…” he muttered. A few minutes later, the back door to the club opened up, and a tiger walked out to join his mate.
“Are you OK?!” Thorax asked in a worried tone. “You looked miserable!”
Secundus chuckled slightly. “Yeah, there’s a reason I never went to clubs. I can’t deal with that much sensory overload at once. It really, really messes with me. I can handle noise and stuff a bit better when I’m allowed to be a Spirit, but, disguised as a mortal, not so much.”
Thorax frowned. “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
“You’re then one I’m stopping dancing!”
Thorax shrugged. “We can dance any time, I’m worried about you.”
Secundus said, “Well, I can think of one thing.”
“What’s that?” asked Thorax.
Secundus pulled Thorax down and whispered into his ear for several seconds. Thorax pulled away, blushing furiously. “Maybe we should work up to that gradually,” said Secundus with a tired smile. “Come on, let’s go find a hotel for the night.” Thorax pulled Secundus to his hindpaws, and the two of them walked off into the night.
Thorax woke up the next morning to hear running water. He then heard what sounded like rushing artificial wind as Secundus stepped into a fur dryer. Secundus walked out of the bathroom, trying unsuccessfully to wrap a towel around his waist. He then gave up, and just sat on the bed. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. I tried to pick a reasonable hour to get up, instead of four in the morning.”
“You didn’t sleep at all?” Thorax asked, a bit confused.
Secundus smiled. “Do you stop being yourself just because you’re shaped like a rock?” Thorax shook his head. “I get a few new instincts if I change bodies, but I’m still myself,” said Secundus.
Thorax smiled up at Secundus from the bed. “Last night was great,” he said in a happy tone.
“You were enjoying yourself,” laughed Secundus.
Thorax shrugged. “It’s been a while.”
Secundus frowned. “Look, if you really want Albert slithering in on us…”
“Ohmigod, NO!” shouted Thorax.
Secundus laughed. “I thought not. Sorry, I missed it too.”
Thorax thought for a minute. “I think the hotel had some kind of buffet breakfast. Do you want me to bring you anything?”
“You spoil me,” replied Secundus with a smile.
Thorax stood up. As he got to the doorway, Secundus called, “Thorax?”
“Hmm?” Thorax turned around to look at his husband.
“Put some clothes on first,” said Secundus with a grin.
A portal opened in the Badlands, and Secundus and Thorax stepped out of it. “Well, the Hive is still standing, that’s good news,” Secundus commented drily.
“I don’t think Albert could knock down the whole Hive in just one unsupervised evening,” snarked Thorax. He then snickered. “Maybe a wing or two though.”
They two of them got to their room. Pharynx walked in. “How was the anniversary trip bro?”
“Pretty good. How was Albert?”
Pharynx laughed. “What, that kid? He’s well behaved. Abnormally well behaved. We had a nice evening, but he didn’t need me too much.”
“Do you know where he is?” Secundus asked, holding up a bag, “I got him a few souvenirs.”
“Last time I saw him this morning, he was in his room.”
As Thorax flopped into bed, drained for their vacation, Secundus headed down the hall to Albert’s room. He knocked on the door a few times. “Hey, Albert? I got you some fun stuff!” There was no reply. “Albert?” Secundus asked nervously. “Alohomora,” he muttered. The lock clicked open.
Thorax jerked awake at the sound of a blood-curdling scream. He flew down the hall and winced at the levels of panic flowing out of Secundus. “What is it?! What’s wrong?”
Secundus held up a scroll, his eyes wide. “It’s Albert. He’s gone!”
Thorax was the sane one. He hated it, but someling in the relationship had to be. At times like this, it was extremely difficult for Secundus to be rational. He’d told Thorax that wasn’t a Draconequus trait, he’d always been that way. Thorax’s mind raced at all the implications of that sentence. Trying to keep his voice level, he said, “What exactly do you mean ‘gone?’ Gone to the next town for groceries? Gone to Ponyville gone?”
Secundus gave a manic laugh. “Oh, I wish it was that easy.” He unrolled the scroll and cleared his throat a few times. It always unnerved Thorax when Secundus did this, but in a perfect impression of Albert’s voice, he read, “Dad ‘n Papa, I’m going away for a while. Don’t come looking for me, I’ll be fine. I just need to try something new. I think I’ve figured out a way to travel, so I’m going to Earth. I know Dad will have two heart attacks, but it honestly can’t be as bad as he’s said. I’ll come home when I feel like it. Albert.”
“How the Tartarus could Albert have gone to Earth?!!” Thorax shouted, not caring if he looked upset. He was beyond panicked. “He doesn’t have any magic at all!”
Secundus closed his eyes, his horn lighting up with its black/white aura. He looked like he was listening for something. His eyes snapped open. “He’s not anywhere on Equestria, so assuming he wasn’t sucked into a black hole, I think it’s safe to say he made it somehow.”
“YOU HAVE TO GO FIND HIM!!” Thorax shouted/begged.
Secundus gave a bone-chilling smile. “I can’t. If I could, I’d rearrange the universe to make him safe, but Earth is the only place in the entire multi-verse I can’t go. I don’t know what to do! I – I’d need …” Secundus snapped his fingers.
Discord appeared in the hall, eyes closed, dressed in an elegant waiter’s uniform, a spectacularly arrayed table with covered dishes floating in front of him. He gave a bow, and said, “Dinner is served!” He opened his eyes, glared murderously, and growled, “You little-” He spotted where he was. He glanced and Secundus and groaned wearily. “Have you never heard of knocking first?!” Four knocks echoed throughout the hall, slightly late. “Thank you,” Discord said sincerely.
Thorax had a genuine emergency, but he just had to ask. “What in Equestria are you doing?”
Discord folded his arms and sighed. “Fluttershy and the girls are on one of their stupid map adventures, and it’s not like I can stop her from fulfilling her job as an Element of Harmony, so I get to feed her abominable rabbit while she’s gone.”
Thorax raised an eyebrow. “With a five-star dinner service?”
“He’s very particular about food presentation,” Discord growled, green flames leaping up behind him.
Secundus chuckled. “I know.”
Discord’s anger drained away and the flames snapped out. “Anyway, what’s up? You never summon me like this unless there’s a world ending without writing first.”
Secundus said, “Albert’s gone.”
Discord snickered. “Where’d you leave him last?”
“DISCORD!!” Secundus shouted, magic charging the atmosphere like static electricity.
Discord held his paw up as a token of peace. “Sorry, sorry, I couldn’t resist. Where’s he gone?”
“He’s gone to Earth,” Thorax supplied.
Discord’s jaw literally hit the floor before he wound it up again. “Holy jalapeno marmalade,” he muttered.
“See? I knew you’d understand!” Secundus said.
Discord snapped the table back where it belonged, not caring if Angel Bunny was upset. That rabbit had caused him enough trouble, he could last one night without a soup course. “Right, and you can’t-” Secundus shook his head. “Oh boy,” Discord muttered. He looked at Thorax. “Do you know anything about Earth?”
Thorax nodded. “Yeah, Sec’s told me a lot about it, and I’ve read up on it a lot.”
Discord rolled his eyes. “There’s a difference between theory and application. Have you changed bodies before?” Thorax nodded. Discord closed his eyes for a second. “Found him! I think. Let’s go then!” He opened up a portal, grabbed Thorax, threw Thorax head-first through the portal, and leapt in after him.
“GAAAAHHH!” Thorax screamed. He’d gone to other universes before with Secundus, but this time, it felt like the universe was fighting him. It got so bad he blacked out.
Thorax opened his eyes groggily. His head felt like it had been hit with a mallet, and his whole body felt wrong. It was too long, and his exoskeleton … felt – why didn’t he have an exoskeleton?! His short-term memory booted up all the way. Oh, he thought.
He looked up. He was lying spread eagled on a sidewalk and was pretty sure he was in a human body. He glanced at the limbs in fascination. He held his hand up in fascination. “Whoa. What a weird color!” He glanced at the clothes he was wearing: jeans, heavy-duty boots, and a green t-shirt that had the words “I’m Thorax.” on them. Well, duh! Why does my shirt say that?!
He glanced up. A man was standing uncomfortably close to him, a creepy smile on his face. He had green eyes and a long black goatee, his long black hair pulled back into a ponytail. He was wearing jeans and a blue sweatshirt with a symbol in the middle that looked like a circle with arrows coming out of it. Thorax wondered who he was, until he spoke. “Mornin’ gorgeous! You must have hit your head pretty hard back there!”
“Discord?” Thorax asked.
Discord nodded. “Wow, you are out of it!” He glanced at himself. “Oh, right, you wouldn’t recognize me.”
Thorax wasn’t the best judge of human ages, but Discord looked … young. Maybe thirty at the oldest. It clashed with the way he looked and sounded in Equestria. “I thought you’d be older,” Thorax mumbled.
Discord looked affronted. “I’ll have you know I’ve been in my prime for longer than your universe has existed, and I’m still young! I hate that most fanart makes me look like some creepy old man, just because I’ve got a white goatee,” he muttered, rolling his eyes. He hauled Thorax to his feet. “Anyway, we should be finding your wayward son, no?”
Thorax nodded. They didn’t know where to go, so they just set off. “Where are we?” asked Thorax.
Discord grinned. “This is the town your husband grew up in! Quaint, isn’t it?” He inhaled deeply. “Ah, I love the smell of carbonic oxides in the morning! What do you think? Do tell!”
Thorax glanced around. “It’s … nice. Lots of trees. It sure is hot! Sec always made this place sound like a … what’s the human word? ‘Hellhole?’”
Discord shrugged. “You make your own hell. It doesn’t help if you can’t leave, I will admit. I think he was referring to the larger town this town is built into.” He glanced around. “Well, if Albert’s anything like his fathers, he’ll have headed for the nearest library. It’s this way.”
“How do you know so much about this place?”
Discord didn’t seem to be able to give a smile that wasn’t at least slightly creepy. “Oh, I know lots of things! LOTS of thINgs!” he said in a demonic growl. He caught Thorax’s expression. “Spoilsport. You know how Secundus spied on Sombra’s tragic life?” Thorax nodded. “I did that to Secundus, only more so. I saw everything. It was mostly out of curiosity, partly because the Council told me to.”
Thorax shuddered. He’d only met the entire Draconequine Council on a hoofful of occasions, but they could be terrifying when they put their combined energy into a task. He was just grateful they were usually the good guys. He noticed that the street underneath his feet had turned to hexagon brick pavers, and he was surrounded by antique stores. “What’s this place?”
“Olde Towne! Sec’s got a lot of happy memories here!” Discord glanced around. “Well, at least the squirt didn’t time travel on top of everything else. If he’d met his dad or something, that would have caused the kind of paradoxes no Draconequus likes sorting out.” He felt something in his hoodie pocket, reached in, and pulled out a short metal cylinder with a bright orange label. “Yes!” Discord cheered.
“What’s that?” Thorax asked in confusion.
“It’s human soda! I’m going to drink it like a person!” Discord opened the can, took a long swig, and poured the rest over his face, licking it out of his beard. Thorax wasn’t an expert on humanity, but he was pretty sure humans didn’t drink like that. Discord glanced around him in confusion as they walked. “Where is he? I can’t really feel him. That’s … worrisome.”
Two guys were walking past them, they turned to stare at Discord with confused expressions. “Is that John de Lancie?” one asked the other.
“Nah, it just sounds exactly like him.”
Discord grinned and cackled with glee. Thorax didn’t get the joke. They finally came to the library. Discord ushered Thorax in and said, “Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like hideout!” They walked in.
Thorax asked, “How will I even know Albert when I see him if he looks human?”
“Trust me, you’ll know,” Discord replied. Thorax couldn’t read his expression. It was a small library, so it didn’t take long to examine the whole thing. “He’s not here,” Discord finally said. He pulled at his beard. “Where would he have gone? I know he went this way. What’s further up the road?” Discord’s eyes widened, and he facepalmed. “Tell me he wouldn’t be that stupid after last time,” he groaned. He grabbed Thorax by the shirt and dragged him out the door, practically running.
“Where the hay are we going?!”
“Your husband’s personal Hell on Earth, his old high school.” It was a long run to the school. When they finally got there, Discord slammed the door of the administration building open and breathlessly said, “HiI’mheretopickupmynephew,hemighthaveaccidentallycomehere,andhe’dhavebeenhavingseriousproblems!!”
The secretary said, “Calm down sir! What’s your nephew’s name?”
“Albert Jones,” Discord panted.
“What does he look like?”
Discord pointed at Thorax. “Half like him.”
The secretary’s eyes widened. “He’s in room 211b. Do you need me to-?”
“I know where it is!” Discord snapped, bearing his teeth slightly. He shoved Thorax out the door.
They came to the room. Instead of opening the door like he normally did, Discord very quietly and gently pried it open. Thorax wondered why. He heard someone screaming. What kind of school is this?!
They entered the room. A teacher and a policeman were looking at a young man sitting at a desk, covering his ears with his hands and screaming loudly. He had long, spiky black hair, and was dressed oddly. He was wearing a grey t-shirt with the words “If lost, please return to Thorax.” bright yellow shorts, and tennis shoes that had a shimmering blue scale pattern.
“Albert?!” Thorax asked in shock. His eyes narrowed. “What did you do to him?!”
Discord put a hand on Thorax’s shoulder to restrain him slightly. “They didn’t do anything, they’re trying to help him.”
The policeman said, “Can I help you? Who are you?”
“I’m his father! What is going on?”
The policeman sighed, and said, “Sir, your son was found wandering the halls. He isn’t a student, and that’s not allowed. He’s been having a meltdown for the last hour and a half. Sir, you can’t just let a disabled child run wild like this.”
“What do you mean disabled? Albert isn’t disabled! I-”
Discord quietly said, “We need to talk, and then I get to tell Secundus. Goody. Just go make sure he’s OK, I’ll deal with the red tape.”
Thorax hesitantly walked over. “Albert?”
Albert looked up. “Papa?” Thorax nodded. “I just want to go home!” Albert said with a sniff.
“We’ll go soon, I promise. Right, Discord?” Thorax growled.
Discord nodded. “Yes, yes.” He looked at the two adults. His irises shifted from green to their normal cherry red. “Right, I think it would be for the best if you two forgot about this and carried on with your day.” They nodded and walked out of the room. “I hate having to do that!” Discord groaned. “I don’t know a single Draconequus who likes it. Are you two ready?” Thorax and Albert nodded. Discord snapped his fingers.
The three found themselves back in the Hive, floating aimlessly in the main hall. Gravity appeared to have been switched off and the walls were slowly changing colors. Thorax remembered the reality tended to have minor breakdowns in Secundus’s proximity if he became upset enough to lose control slightly.
Thorax cupped his hooves around his mouth. “Sec!” he called, “We’re home!”
“Thank god,” Secundus mumbled appearing right behind them. He gave Albert the once-over and worriedly asked, “Are you all right?! Nobody hurt you, did they? Do you feel OK? I-”
“I’m fine Dad!” Albert grumbled, pushing Secundus’s paw away. “I’m just tired, and I felt weird the whole time I was there. It’s no big deal.”
“NO BIG DEAL?!!” Secundus screamed. “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORR-”
Discord pulled Secundus aside and quietly said, “Mon ami, there’s something you should know.” Secundus gave Discord a confused look, but allowed him to teleport them to a neutral location. Discord sighed, and rubbed the bridge of his muzzle with his talons. “OK. I’m not sure where to begin. I noticed it after a while, and I think you noticed it right away, but were hoping it wasn’t true. I guess I can understand that.” Discord sighed again. “Albert’s … a lot like you. And your father, and your grandfather, and your great uncle, and your brothers, and your sister, and your nephews, and two of your cousins.”
Secundus winced. “I … hoped not,” he mumbled. “In my family you don’t walk away from it, I was just hoping since I had new genes, I … I don’t know. I guess I always knew, I just …” He didn’t finish the sentence. “How do you know how to recognize it?” he asked Discord with interest.
Discord grinned. “I get around. For hating chaos as much as people like you do, you can be … fun. Sometimes. Provided it’s quiet.”
Secundus rolled his eyes. “Some of us like noise,” he said. “There isn’t a one behavior fits all.”
“Well you hate it,” Discord said with a grin.
Secundus nodded. “Oh. I have to tell Thorax. That’s going to be an interesting conversation.”
Discord looked panicked. “I should warn you, it’s not as common in Equestria. It exists, but … not to that level. He might not have heard of it.”
Secundus facepalmed. “Oh great. That makes it so much easier,” he said with blatant sarcasm. He snapped the two of them back into Albert’s room, where Thorax was making sure he was OK.
Discord said, “I really should leave you three alone. You’re welcome.” He hissed to Secundus, “You owe me one act of chaos on the planet of your choice, since I know you won’t do it here.”
Secundus sighed. “Deal,” he said, shaking paws with Discord. “Here I thought you were helping out of the goodness of your heart. Discord cackled before disappearing.
Secundus looked uncomfortable. “Uh, Thorax? There’s something I need to tell you.” Thorax nodded. “You know how Albert’s … different from your average teenager, even though he’s not actually a teenager? Never mind, that last part’s not important. I just mean … I don’t know how to put it. I’ll just say it. Albert’s Autistic, like me.”
“What’s Autistic?” Thorax asked in confusion. “Is that like artistic?”
Secundus smirked at that, before his face fell. “Scoot over,’ he told Albert. Albert did, and he sat on the bed. He thought for a minute. “Well, I know a great analogy using computer operating systems … but those don’t exist here, so there goes that idea.” He sighed. “Basically, our brains are just physically different from a ‘normal’ person’s,” he said, spitting the word “normal.” “It’s not inherently a bad thing, some parts of it can actually be pretty useful, it just means we have challenges others don’t. Things like reading body language, handling social situations, not handling change well, not understanding what people are saying, getting stuck in the same interests, things like that.”
Secundus chuckled. “Actually, Albert’s got an unfair advantage, since he’s empathic. He automatically knows what someone’s feeling, whereas I mostly have to guess. I’ll tell you more about it tomorrow Albert.”
“Do I still have to do my homework for tomorrow?” Albert asked nervously.
“YES.” Secundus growled. “Oh, and Albert? You are grounded until your five-hundredth birthday for scaring me like that!!! Got it?!” Albert swallowed and nodded. Secundus sighed. “It’s been a long day for everyone, go to sleep.”
“I’m not even tir-” Secundus’s eyes glowed and Albert passed out, starting to snore.
“I should have thought of that months ago,” Secundus mumbled. “Most parents would kill to be able to do that.” He glanced nervously at Thorax, like he was expecting an outburst. “I swear I will tell you everything I know about it. You were already exhausted from our anniversary, and the rest of the day can’t have helped. As King, I order you to bed.”
Thorax saluted. He then smirked. “You know … that sentence could be taken a couple of different ways,” he said suggestively.
Secundus threw a pillow at him. “Oh, hush. You’re exhausted, and I’ve got a long night ahead of me. I’ll write you an I.O.U.” Thorax chuckled, went down the hall into their room, and collapsed into bed.
Secundus spent the next few days explaining the ins and outs of autism. With graphs and flowcharts, and lots and lots of pictures, metaphors, and analogies. Thorax always made sure to ask good questions.
“OK, so I’m understanding a lot of this, but … it hurts to look someling in the eyes?”
Secundus sighed. “Not so much Changelings, ponies, griffons, yaks, or any of the other species of Equestria. It’s always been easier for me to look animals in the eye.” He winced. “Sorry, that was speciest of me. I know that a lot of the ‘animals’ in Equestria are sentient, and should be treated with respect. I don’t think of them as animals, it’s just why I think I can look them in their overly-expressive eyes,” he said with an amused snort.
“OK, I can sort of understand that, but it hurt to look humans in the eyes, right?” Secundus nodded. “Why?”
Secundus’s fur puffed up in mild anger, and he turned his fingers towards his palms with his claws slightly more out. He said, “You both know what humans look like, so imagine a human-shaped star. Not like a human that glows, an actual sun with all of the solar flares, heat, light, unbearable brightness, and cosmic radiation. Now imagine that you’re two feet away from it. Can you do that?” Albert and Thorax nodded. “Good. Now look it in the right in the eyes, and don’t blink.” Thorax winced. “That’s the closest comparison I can make for what it’s like for me to look someone in the eyes.”
“OK, so why is noise so hard for us?” asked Albert.
Secundus gave a sad smile. “We … pay attention to everything. We don’t really have a choice most of the time. When we’re surrounded by lots of ponies talking, we’re hearing every single conversation at once. It’s my understanding that most humans and ponies can selectively listen to only the conversation that they’re a part of, rather than the entire room. That, and speaking is like shouting,” Secundus finished with a grin. “Any other questions?”
It turned into a very long day.
At the end of that week, Secundus was sitting in the gardens, staring at Thorax’s currently vacant throne, pondering a few things and his family. He sniffed a few times as an unusual smell hit his nose. Directly in front of him, a large silk spider slowly descended on its thread, before finally hitting the ground near his paw and hoof. It scurried a few feet away from him, then grew to a massive size. Secundus gave a slight bow of recognition.
“Thank you for not swatting me with a newspaper,” Destiny said with a smile showing in most of her eyes.
“You’re lucky you smell like a Draconequus,” Secundus admitted. “Even though Albert keeps them as pets, I don’t think I’ll ever like spiders. It’s very nice to see you, I don’t get a lot of visits from my cousins. Except Discord, who is naturally over here a couple of times a month to pester us. Just his way of showing his affection. Can I get you anything?” Destiny shook her head. “Are you here on business or pleasure?”
“Business, I’m afraid,” Destiny replied. “I have a message to give you.”
“Oh? What is it?”
There was a flash of bright light, and a sound of rushing wind.
Secundus came to in a white spartan room with a long table and two comfortable chairs, all of which were the same shade of white as the walls, floor and ceiling. The room was brightly lit, but not to the point it hurt. Secundus noticed that he was in his human body, wearing a white t-shirt, long pants, and no shoes or socks. Someone politely cleared their throat behind him.
He turned around, then growled, “Don’t wear my face, it’s not yours.”
His exact look-alike gave an amused grin. “If you want, I can get you the patent application and blueprints. Would that help?”
“Oh. You’re a god.”
The god snorted with laughter. “Most beings who work for us wouldn’t say ‘god’ in the same tone of voice as ‘door to door salesman’ or ‘criminal defense attorney.’”
“Sorry, it’s been a long week. I’ll try to be more respectful.”
The god grinned. “No, you won’t, you know yourself better than that.”
“Touché,” Secundus grumbled. He tried to improve his mood. “It actually is nice to meet one of my employers, not even most Draconequui get to meet you. You lot certainly do have a sick sense of humor sometimes.”
“Well, we have to enjoy ourselves somehow. It’s always for the best. Anyway, you liked divine practical jokes when you were mortal.”
“It was the only way you’d talk to me,” Secundus said bitterly. “Might I inquire as to the reason I’m currently outside creation, talking to an omnipotent being?” He then realized something and clenched his fists. “It’s about what I was just thinking about, isn’t it?!” The god nodded slowly. “Look, I’m most likely three types of crazy, but no one could call me stupid. What’s going on?!”
The god gestured to one of the chairs. “You … might want to sit down for this…”
Secundus popped back into the Hive, his normal noodley self. A couple of Changelings passing by winced and clutched at their horns. “Sorry,” Secundus mumbled softly. He went to his room and collapsed into bed, feeling drained.
A few minutes later, Thorax wandered in. “I’m getting complaints of a horrific mood tainting the food supplies,” he joked.
Secundus didn’t crack a smile. “Sorry about that,” he muttered. “I’ll feel better in a while. Might take a few days, I can leave if I’m upsetting everyling that much.”
Thorax grew concerned. Even when he was in a bad mood, Secundus almost never contemplated actually leaving the Hive, it was his home. “What happened? You just … disappeared this afternoon.”
Secundus sighed. “Well, I got to meet one of the gods this afternoon. That’s actually an honor, even if it didn’t feel like it.”
“So? That’s a good thing, right? What would make you this upset?”
“I got an answer to a prayer I didn’t know I was making,” Secundus said bitterly. “I can’t talk about it.”
“Oh, come on! I know you don’t like to talk about things, but I’m always-”
Secundus cut him off. “No, you don’t understand. I can’t talk about it. I desperately want to, I just cannot actually do it. I couldn’t even tell another Draconequus about it. I wish I could, it would really help. Jerk put a geas on me. With a god, you cannot find a way around it. He was honestly kind of right to do so, but I wish he hadn’t.” He stared at Thorax and sighed. He held up a paw. “Look, I swear to you it’s nothing bad. There isn’t some cataclysmic disaster headed our way, nopony’s dying, I just … got some answers. Everything’s fine, honest.”
“Then why are you heartbroken?” Thorax asked lowly.
Secundus didn’t answer.
Thorax was busy taking a shower, trying not to get soap in his eyes. He didn’t have a mane to shampoo like a pony, but his fur still needed washing. He spotted a noddley silhouette on the other side of the shower curtain and rolled his eyes. “I’ve got a really long day ahead of me, and I’m not in the mood for you to join me in here, so would you mind-”
Discord pulled the curtain back with his talons. “I’m married, you creep!” he hissed.
Thorax shouted in surprise. “Sorry, I thought you were-” He noticed Discord smirking. “AUUUGH!” Thorax shouted in frustration. “You are impossible!”
“Thank you,” Discord said sincerely.
Thorax glanced at himself and blushed. “Do you mind?!” he shouted.
Discord rolled his eyes. “We don’t wear clothes!” He snapped his fingers. Thorax’s fur was shampooed the point it was silky soft, his chitin was freshly polished, his horns were reflective, and he smelled faintly of lavender.
“Uh, thank you?” Thorax said uncertainly.
“Don’t mention it,” Discord said with a smile. He turned serious. “Is your husband around by any chance?”
“Not when I got up, why?”
Discord growled. “Everypony’s accusing me of unleashing chaos, and for once in my life, I’m innocent! Secundus is the only other being who can use chaos magic that well.”
Thorax was confused, so he trotted outside to see what Discord was talking about. “It’s a perfectly ordinary day,” he said.
Discord rolled his eyes. “Like he’d mess things up here. Go past the borders of the Hive, and you’ll see what I’m talking about.”
Thorax did, and his jaw dropped at the unholy sight before him. The sky was practically split open, changing into impossible colors and patterns like a kaleidoscope. Gravity would randomly halve, or double, to the point it physically hurt. Black and white clouds zipped overhead at dizzying speeds, raining frogs, blood, scalding hot tea, peppermints, licorice, hail, and still stranger things, all at random. The landscape had changed to a giant game board, complete with living cardboard cutouts harassing ponies they met. It was almost worse than what Discord had done when he was free.
“What did he do?” Thorax shouted. He spotted the sun and moon hanging next to each other. The Mare in the Moon was back, but she looked … different somehow. The sun had a similar shadow.
Discord started counting on his fingers. “Well, the first thing he did was to change all of the coffee in Equestria to decaf…”
“That’s just evil,” Thorax said.
Discord nodded and continued. “He messed with the weather, freed all the monsters from Tartarus, banished Celestia to the moon and Luna to the sun, gods know what he did to the Elements of Harmony, and more importantly their bearers, he kind of set physics on fire, Appleooa is currently a giant banana split, Cloudsdale is a hurricane trapped inside a small snow globe, Yakyakistan is a tropical paradise, and you really don’t want to know what he did to Canterlot for the way they treated Albert.” Discord shuddered. “There’s more, a lot more, but I think you’ve got the gist.”
“Wh-why would he do any of that?!” Thorax stammered.
Discord shrugged. “He’s your husband, you tell me. Do you have any idea where he is?” Thorax slowly shook his head. Discord licked a finger and held it up to the wind. A rainbow aura quickly flickered around it. “Huh. The highest concentration of chaos is in Ponyville,” Discord said with surprise.
Discord snapped his fingers and the two of them appeared in Ponyville. If what Thorax had seen at the border of the Badlands was horrific, it had nothing on this. All of the houses were upside down, there was a permanent snowstorm covering everything and reality would slowly shift and warp.
The worst part of it all was Secundus. He was sitting at the far end of Mane Street, perched on a throne made of optical illusions. His color was gone, he was a uniform dark grey all over. His mane and beard were an inky black. Thorax always got nervous when Secundus’s eyes turned yellow, since it didn’t seem like he was himself. Thorax didn’t want to know what Secundus having glowing maroon irises meant. At Secundus’s “feet” was a purple and green dragon, curled around the throne protectively. Thorax realized with horror that this was Spike. Spike’s eyes were closed, but black mist was seeping out of them. Apparently, Secundus had aged him up, and he had obviously hypnotized him. To one side of the throne was a large gold bowl of gems for Spike. Spike was also wearing a golden collar with Secundus’s Yin/Yang seal of office engraved into it.
The most horrific aspect of the day was what lay between Thorax and Discord and Secundus at the far end of the street. All the townsponies were dancing in couples in the street, bright happy smiles on their faces as “Heaven is a Place on Earth” played. It wasn’t physically possible for a changeling to throw up love, but Thorax wished he could. None of them had eyes.
Thorax and Discord simply tried walking up the street but there was some kind of mental barrier that even Discord couldn’t cross. They simply walked around a few corners and came up to the throne near Spike’s snoozing head. Secundus hadn’t noticed them at all. His panda paw was lazily beating time, and he was humming softly to himself.
“SECUNDUS!!!!” Discord bellowed.
Spike cracked open his eyes. He still had green irises, but his eyes looked like Secundus’s, black from edge to edge, plus the black mist flowing out the corners. Yep, definitely hypnotized. “What do you want?” he growled in an annoyed tone.
“It’s OK, love, they’re just here to check up on me,” Secundus said with a friendly smile, running his fingers down Spike’s back. “Love?” Thorax thought with distaste. If they were suddenly a couple now, Secundus was treating Spike more like a pet. “You might want to sit this one out,” Secundus told Spike. Spike nodded and took to the skies, screeching loudly.
“WHAT IN GODS’ NAMES HAVE YOU DONE?!!!” Discord roared.
Secundus shrugged casually. “I was feeling kind of down, so I threw a party. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? Look, I even invited all our friends!” He pointed to the other side of the street the pair where now on.
Just when Thorax thought today couldn’t possibly get any worse. Secundus had meant “all our friends.” Everypony: the Mane Six, Starlight, Sunburst, Trixie, the Armors and Flurry Heart, Sombra, everyone except the Princesses were frozen in stone. They were all in poses that ranged from rage to terror. Thorax officially felt sick.
Discord growled when he spotted Fluttershy, curled in on herself, sobbing. “I’ll kill you!!” he shouted at Secundus.
Secundus smirked. “I’d like to see you try.”
“If you weren’t more powerful than me, I’d-”
“You’d what? You want to fight? Alright, mon cousin, let’s fight.” He stepped off his throne. The two Draconequui circled each other, sizing each other up, but not in physical terms.
Discord threw the first spell, which Secundus blocked with ease. After that, it was an all-out magical war. Reality groaned, bent, and twisted under the weight of it. Impossible was the new possible, and creation suffered a minor systems error. Neither Draconequus seemed to have the upper paw, but Discord was getting tired.
Secundus smirked. “You’re really getting old.” He flexed his fingers outwards. “Boom.” He stated simply.
Discord joined Fluttershy’s statue, curled around her in a protective pose. His entire being radiated silent rage.
“Sec!” Thorax shouted. “Snap out of it!! When the Council sees what you’ve done, they’ll destroy you!”
Secundus gave a sad smile. “Oh, my poor naive husband. You don’t understand. I want them to blow me out of the sky, but until they do, I’m going to enjoy myself,” he finished with a twisted grin. “Do you like it?” he asked eagerly. “I’ve redone the whole world! Everything’s mine, which means it’s yours, if you want it. Why stop at one world? We can have everything, ever!”
“Are you seriously giving me the ‘we could rule together’ speech?!!” Thorax shouted angrily.
Secundus gave another said smile, and for just a second, he seemed like his old self. “We already do rule together, Moosey.” He murmured. “I’ve just expanded the boundaries. I didn’t want to be a king, I just wanted you. I did all this to show you I love you, so that you would know you’re worth it. That’s all I ever wanted, was to love and be loved.” He held out a paw. “We can make everything right, as long as we’re together.”
Thorax extended a hoof, feeling relieved. It seemed like Secundus was snapping out of it. “Thank you. You have to undo all of this! This isn’t you! I don’t know what happened, but you’re just not yourself, and I hate it! We can find a way to apologize, some way, somehow, and I swear,-”
Secundus withdrew his paw, clicking and growling. Thorax suddenly felt very, very nervous. Despite them being Spirits, an angry Draconequus was more like an animal, and that animal was more predatory than a hydra. “So … does this mean you don’t want to rule with me?” Secundus asked slowly and carefully.
Thorax shook his head. “No. Not if it’s like this. I don’t want any part of a world that you’ve twisted like this.”
Secundus clenched his fists and spat at Thorax. In an enraged scream, he bellowed, “WHY DO YOU ALWAYS LEAVE ME??!!!” He leapt at Thorax and the last thing Thorax saw was needle-like teeth headed for his throat.
“GAAAAHH!!!” Thorax yelled, sitting up in bed, heart racing a mile a minute.
Secundus popped into the room. “Are you OK?! What’s wrong? I heard you screaming.”
“GET AWAY FROM ME!” Thorax shouted, firing a bolt of magic at Secundus.
Secundus swatted it away. “What’s wrong?”
Thorax pressed his snout to Secundus’s. “Tell me you didn’t just destroy reality and then pull the ‘It was all just a dream’ routine on me!”
Secundus was confused. “Thorax, what happened?”
Thorax slowly realized it was just a dream. He flopped down on the bed. “I … had a nightmare where you turned all evil and stuff…” he mumbled.
Secundus sighed. “I’m so, so sorry. I should have woken you up sooner. If you want we can talk about it tomorrow, but for now, you need your sleep. Heh. I’m still upset by what happened at that meeting, and now you’re having nightmares. We should both be better in a few days, I hope. Go to sleep, I’ll stay with you.”
Thorax nodded and got back under the covers. Secundus wound around him the way he used to do when they were dating. For some reason, right before Thorax fell back asleep, he thought of the makeover Discord had given him before the dream went south. “I wouldn’t mind if you made me pretty…” he mumbled before passing out.
Secundus wondered what that meant and made a mental note to ask about it tomorrow. He grew nervous. In theory, he could do something like destroy reality (not that he’d ever, ever do it) and then retcon it to the point it would affect even his memories. Even if he didn’t remember it, it would have left tell-tale traces of magic. He ran a quick self-diagnostic. It really had been just a dream. He let out a sigh of relief.
Secundus mentally hissed, Did you have anything to do with that?
-Relax, corpse. I don’t have access to your magic, since you put up, like, twelve firewalls the week you got it. Paranoid much? Since I’m trapped here, the only person I can give nightmares is you. Not everything that goes horribly awry in your life is my fault you know.
-Yeah. I know. Sorry.
-Hey, can I tell you a bedtime story? I … really miss doing that. I know you don’t sleep, but it was one of my favorite things to do.
-I’m not five anymore.
-I know, but-
-Your bedtime stories are like an acid trip.
-Yeah, I guess so.
-I didn’t say “no.”
-EEyes! (ahem.) Once upon a time…
True to his word, Secundus’s mood did lift over a few days, although he still acted a bit oddly. Thorax felt a lot better about the situation when he went down to the lowest levels of the Hive one day. He spotted what looked like rave lights and smoke coming from an empty cavern and he heard music playing loudly. Out of curiosity, he took a look. To his surprise, the empty cave looked more like a club floor, with dance lights, music, smoke, the whole nine yards. Unlike most clubs, there was only one occupant.
He was an anthro cat. Thorax had seen some of them around Equestria, but they were supposedly pretty rare. He’d never seen a cat like this though. He was black on the left side of his body, with a white ear and a yellow eye, and white on the right side of his body with a black ear and a blue eye. The color split even continued down his tail. He was wearing a hot pink t-shirt that had yellow words reading “Are you kitten me right meow?” and turquoise pajama pants with a pattern of cartoon fish and can openers. It all clashed horribly. He even had a couple of glow bracelets around each wrist, which added more color to the chaos.
The cat didn’t seem to have spotted Thorax, so Thorax hid and watched. The cat was simply dancing alone, greatly enjoying himself, singing along to the current song blasting out of who-knows-where. The lyrics he was singing didn’t match, it was like he’d made up his own lyrics to go with the song. Thorax couldn’t quite tell what the song was about, it was a woman singing something about being hot then cold at the same time.
Given the fact that the cat had apparently broken into the Hive undetected, set up a private dance club, the cat’s coloration, and his dancing skills, there was only one explanation. Thorax smirked and headed over.
When the song ended, Thorax stamped out some polite applause.
“YEEEP!” The cat yelled, jumping a foot in the air, his fur puffing up from fright. He turned to glare at Thorax. “I prefer to dance when no one is watching, not like no one is watching,” he huffed.
“You’re actually getting better,” Thorax said with a grin. “What’s all this for?” he asked, pointing at the set-up.
Secundus shrugged. “Our anniversary made me think that you’d most likely like to go to a dance club again at some point, so I thought I should try and get used to the environment. I’ll take it down,” he got ready to snap his fingers.
“Don’t!” Thorax called. Secundus looked at him in surprise. “Uh, could you stay like that?” Thorax asked sheepishly. Secundus slowly nodded. Thorax tried to remember what something had felt like, then green flames whooshed around him. An anthro tiger took a few teetering steps forward, trying not to fall flat on his face.
Secundus rushed over and helped prop Thorax up. “I take it you want to dance?” Thorax nodded eagerly. “You could have stayed yourself, it’s a lot more comfortable. I know you don’t like being bipedal.”
“Yes, but I know what this shape does to you,” Thorax purred with an evil grin.
Secundus blushed and mumbled something unintelligible. He then grinned back. “Let’s go then…” After a few dances, Secundus smirked at Thorax.
That afternoon when Albert got home from school, he couldn’t figure out why his fathers had locked their door. He shrugged and went to work on his homework.
Two days later, Albert came home from school, feeling sick to his stomach. Thorax and Secundus were holding court indoors that day, trying to untangle a dispute between two guards. Secundus wasn’t empathic, but he knew that expression. He nudged Thorax and pointed, and the two excused themselves, promising to get back to the issue soon.
“What’s up?” Secundus asked, visibly worried.
In a daze, Albert managed to say, “We had health class today … we discussed growing up, and puberty, … and … and …” he couldn’t finish the sentence.
Secundus’s eyes grew wide. He facepawed. “Oh. My. Gods,” he groaned.
“What’s wrong?” Thorax asked, feeling left out of the loop.
Secundus eyed him. “How do Changelings tell nymphs about the birds and the bees?” he asked carefully.
Thorax was confused. “We usually take them out to the gardens and point them out to them. Why? What do animals have to do with – OH, MY GOD!”
“Eeeyuuuppp….” Secundus said lazily. He and Thorax glanced at each other. Thorax stuck out a hoof. His first month in Equestria, Secundus had discovered that ponies were capable of playing “rock, paper, scissors” despite not having fingers. A hoof held straight out meant “paper,” a hoof held downwards at a sharp angle meant “scissors,” and a hoof turned upside down meant “rock.” Behind Albert’s back, his fathers played a quick game. Secundus lost and growled unhappily.
He groaned and said to Albert, “Right. Put your bags down. We’re going for a long walk, and then we’re going to Sugarcube Corner.”
“You’re getting me candy?” Albert asked in confusion.
Secundus nodded. “Yes, but it’s also because when I finish giving you ‘The Talk’ I’m going to need a piece of chocolate the size of a boulder. Why couldn’t this have waited ten or twelve years like a normal parent?” he groaned. He took Albert’s hoof. “Right,” he said angrily. “Tell me exactly what you covered, and I’ll answer any questions you have, and determine if I need to kill your teacher, OK?” Albert nodded, and the two of them went to their respective dooms.
Despite Albert’s entire childhood being ruined before he was two years old, life in the Hive carried on as normal. Once Secundus explained everything in a slightly calm and rational manner, Albert even managed to not be too scarred by the experience. On the other hoof, once Secundus explained to Albert that no, he wasn’t conceived immaculately, Albert spent an entire week yelling “Perverts!!” whenever he saw his fathers together, even if they were just reading. Finally, everything went more or less back to normal.
Well, almost normal. In this family, strange was the new normal.
Thorax knew that Secundus didn’t need to sleep, but unless he was busy working, or out of town on “business,” he nearly almost cuddled with Thorax until Thorax fell asleep. He was nowhere to be found this evening, in the entire Hive. Thorax knew he wasn’t working, so he couldn’t figure out where he was. When he got into their room, the mystery deepened. Built into the wall was a door that hadn’t been there that morning. It was the kind of vault door that couldn’t be hacked into and could withstand a nuclear explosion. A sign on the door had Secundus’s best pawritting. It simply read: “KEEP OUT. KEEP IN!”
Thorax smirked. That was just a stupid thing to put on a sign. To his surprise, the wheel to open the door turned with ease. With the level of curiosity that was usually fatal to felines, Thorax headed in.
The world turned Upside Down.
Thorax had been expecting a small room, not this. The other side of the door was hanging in space on a darkened street. This side of the door was blue painted wood, not a steel door. A small plaque by the door, also hanging in empty air read, “I am in 221.”
Thorax stepped the rest of the way through. The door clanged shut with the finality of an earthquake. Thorax noticed there wasn’t a knob on this side. He tried shoving against the door with all his might. It didn’t budge. He tried teleporting to the other side of the door, his magic simply fizzled out. He wasn’t getting back out this way it seemed.
He stared at the street in fascination. It was night, full of stars, but on the edge of the sky was a fiery streak of red and pink that suggested the sun had just set. The air was chilly and dry. The street seemed to be abandoned. He cautiously trotted down it. He tried sniffing, he couldn’t smell anything. At all, not even the air. It was unsettling.
There were streetlamps along the side of the road that did a good job of illuminating the path, but they were slightly strange. Most streetlamps had a soft orange glow, these shone with a bright bluish-white light.
Thorax noticed a sign under one of the streetlamps right by the door he’d come through. In bright white, urgent, large numbers, it read: “7-5-20 15-21-20 15-6 13-25 8-5-1-4!!!” It seemed to be some sort of code, but Thorax had no idea what it said. He shrugged and kept trotting.
There were buildings on either side of the street, but they didn’t look lived in. Thick, ropey, black vines covered them. Thorax spotted cars lining the street. That clinched it, he wasn’t in Equestria anymore, Toto. Thorax blinked. There was something odd about the cars. Oh. They were parked in such a way that they were arranged by model, then size, then color. That was … odd. Thorax couldn’t imagine any species would park that neatly.
He heard loud music thumping from up ahead and spotted what looked like neon searchlights. He nervously trotted on. He got to the source of the noise and realized he was walking past a graveyard, lined with giant, old pine trees. It was what he saw in the graveyard that made his jaw drop.
Humans. The graveyard was filled with humans, but they were … wrong. For one thing, they were all translucent, and looked like they were made out of neon light, instead of flesh and bone. You could see through them fairly well, and they glowed brightly in the dark. They were all young adults and were dressed oddly. Thorax finally recognized the dress as from the Victorian era of human history. That didn’t match at all with they way they were acting. They were having a loud, brightly-colored party, adding to the lightshow with their own glows. They were all dancing and Thorax spotted one ghost in a top hat and overcoat who had a DJ’s turntable in front of him. When one of them passed through a gravestone like it was thin air, Thorax realized that they were all ghosts. Victorian ghosts having a rave in a graveyard. That was … a strange anachronism.
One of the young me spotted Thorax and waved. “Hey! Join us!”
Another shook his head and laughed. “Nah, it’s not his time yet!”
A young woman smiled and called, “Never dance with the fair folk, and never dance with the dead, Thorax!”
Thorax’s eyes widened at the fact that they apparently knew his name. They didn’t seem to bear him any ill will, they simply waved him goodbye as he very quickly trotted past the graveyard.
He walked a few blocks without incident. At this point in the street, the buildings were turning to houses. Thorax spotted what should have been a “for sale” sign in a front yard. Instead, it read, “Ehzduh wkh Ehdvw zlwk jroghq hbhv. Kh vshdnv lq ulggohv, brxu wkrxjkwv duh olhv.”
Thorax rolled his eyes. “Seriously?!” he shouted. “Is everything here some weird code?”
He glanced at the sign again. To his surprise, the text had changed. In larger, sloppy red letters that glowed faintly in the dark, it read, “DUCK!!!”
Thorax wondered why that had changed, until he heard something fluttering overhead behind him. He hit the pavement. A swarm of enormous butterflies went overhead. Each butterfly was the size of a raven. What was the most unusual about them was the fact that their wings glowed in bright colors, shifting patterns and colors hypnotically. It was breathtaking. A few of the butterflies turned back to look at him. In childlike sing song, they called, “Thoooorrraaaxxxx …. Where are you Thorax? Thoooorrrrraxxx….” They finished flying overhead.
“OK, that wasn’t creepy at all,” Thorax muttered. He picked himself up and dusted himself off. Since nothing was directly attacking him, and he seemed to be trapped here, he decided to press forward.
He noticed that even the houses he was passing had dead lawns and were covered in the same ropey vines. This place was very, very strange. Two blocks later, he started having the strongest feeling of Deja-vu. Wait a second … I recognize this street … This is the town where Sec grew up! If it was all dark, and twisted, and creepy, he finished with a shudder, glancing around at him.
He decided to head up the same street where he’d traveled to find Albert. To his surprise, this street was actually clean, the vines were gone from the houses. He heard noise coming from one of the houses. To his surprise, there were four identical houses right next to each other, they hadn’t been there in the town when he went to visit it. He tried a door, just to see what would happen. This house was bigger on the inside and didn’t have a house on the inside. Instead, a wintery landscape stretched beyond the door, the northern lights going overhead. Thorax spotted a cabin in the distance, smoke coming out of the chimney.
He closed the door and tried the next house. This one had a windy, sunny beach, with a sand dune that went down at a 6o° angle leading to the water. Thorax closed the door and tried the next house. This one had a river in the mountains somewhere on a summer’s day.
Thorax tried the next house. This one did have a house inside. A human mime was sitting in an invisible recliner, reading an invisible newspaper. When he spotted Thorax, he glanced up, gave a friendly smile, and waved.
Thorax shrieked in horror and slammed the door closed. He galloped for all he was worth down the street. “Nope, nope, nope, NOPE!!!!” he shouted. When he realized he wasn’t being chased, he slowed down to catch his breath.
He was heading to what had been Olde Towne in Sec’s home town. In whatever this place was it was Olde Towne as well, but it was decked out for the holidays. Every light post had a wreath made out of lights hanging from it, or a bell made out of lights. The edges of buildings were all covered in Christmas lights, and snow was gently falling, disappearing before it hit the ground.
Compared to the rest of the town the air here was freezing. The shops were all lit up, with displays of toys and presents and food and deserts in the windows. Thorax noticed that every shop had a model train whizzing around in the window, as well as a small blue box with the words “Police Public Call Box” near the top tucked into a corner of the window. Thorax wondered, If this town is abandoned, then who is this all for?
Thorax thought some more and snickered. A creepy, dark world, that’s also strangely beautiful. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear this place was made for Secundus.
Thorax then heard something. He glanced up. In the town where Secundus had grown up, there had been poles with speakers in Olde Towne that played human pop music as you shopped. This Olde Towne also had speakers but they weren’t playing music. Instead, voices came out of them.
A woman’s voice asked, “So, if you had to tell me what the person in this picture was feeling, you’d say…?
“Sad,” a boy replied.
“Good!”
The audio changed.
“Quit mooching around!!” A man roared. “I’m working!!”
“Sorry, dad,” the boy mumbled.
The audio changed again.
“Come on, you’re like totally a timelord! How are you always in the right place at the right time?”
“I don’t know, I’m just lucky.”
The audio changed again.
“Hey. Um, so have this-”
“Friend who wants to know if I’m gay, right? Good golly! The whole school must have the same friend!! Tell your ‘friend’ that it’s none of their business. Also tell your friend that I don’t date aliens, and that by the time I do get around to dating, your planet will be dead and cold, all right?”
Another voice said, You know, you could relate to humans better if you’d try to relate to humans better.
The first voice said, Yeah, well, if humans would stop treating me like a freak, maybe I would try. Besides, thinking like a ‘normal’ person just hurts. The two voices sounded almost identical, but there were slight differences. For some reason he couldn’t explain, Thorax thought of them as “good voice” and “bad voice,” although “bad voice” seemed to care a lot more.
The audio changed yet again.
“Bad voice” said, I’m so, so sorry! I didn’t mean to-
“Good voice” snarled, No you’re not! You can’t be sorry!
I – I can I try to-
If you don’t start running and hiding now I will hunt you. You can’t be hurt or killed, but please let me know how many pieces you’d like to be immortal in. There was a sound like someone running very quickly.
The audio changed again. “Good voice” said, Why – why does everyone always leave?
-It’s just part of being human to grow up and leave the nest. You might get to one day too. I mean, it’s not like you can spend eternity rooted to the same spot…
The audio seemed to switch every couple of sentences.
-Are you going to get out of bed today?
-Maybe. Probably. Even I can’t sleep all day.
-Would you like a hug?
-… Yeah …
-What species?
-Otter.
-One fluffy otter coming up! Is that better?
-Thanks.
Another fragment played.
Thorax heard someone singing, “My little pony, my little pony, aaahh-ahh-ahh-ahh!”
The voice that cared that Thorax still thought of as “Bad voice” snickered. I can’t believe you like this!
-Hey, you requested it! It’s all Discord’s fault anyway. Two episodes and I was hooked.
-Mmm. What species do you think you’d be? You’d probably be a Changeling, you are starving for love. The Changelings are pretty cool. Oh! How about a Draconequus!
-Right, because giving me Phenomenal Cosmic Powerwould be such a good idea. Why are you asking, anyway, Equestria isn’t even r-
The audio cut out and switched to something else.
A familiar double voice called, “Hey, Twilight? I was wondering if you could explain Silverthorne’s self-replicating hexes to me?”
“Where did you even find that?!” Twilight yelled.
“It was in the forbidden section of the castle library,” Secundus replied. “I was curious, so I picked the lock. You really should have a better security system than that.”
-Wow. You’re considering hexing somepony?
-I’m trying to learn magical theory! Secundus replied. I want to learn as much about it as I can, is that so wrong?
-You’re still a huge geek.
-Mr. Pot, allow me to introduce Mr. Kettle. I’m sure you’ll get along fabulously.
-OK, OK! I still can’t believe you somehow wound up in Equestria. That’s just … I don’t know.
-Yeah. I … I don’t know what to think of it.
-Ooh! They’ve got a whole section on hexes specifically to use on unicorns!
-Down, boy. I couldn’t actually use them if I knew them.
-You’re no fun at all… Bad voice pouted.
The audio switched again. Thorax realized it was in chronological order.
-OK. So, you’re attracted to Thorax. That’s not a bad thing.
-I’m a stallion. He’s a stallion. I’m a human. He’s a horse. That’s like, six levels of wrong. Secundus replied.
-You’re not human anymore, and you never will be again, so that takes that element out of it. As for the other aspect, well … there’s not a lot you can do about who you’re attracted to. You could do a lot worse. You always thought he was kind of adorkable, and now that you’ve actually met him, you know he really is! Besides, did you see that flank? The voice purred.
-Yes. For a horse, he’s got an admittedly gorgeous flank. Thorax blushed. You’re incorrigible, Secundus continued on the audio, you do know that?
-Yep! The voice replied happily.
The tape switched again.
-You really, really need to go out and see somepony, you’re driving yourself crazy!! Which means you’re driving me crazy, and I can only put up with so much of your whining. You can’t stay in your Realm forever!
-I’m fine, ok? Secundus growled.
-No, you’re really not. Why don’t you go see your coltfriend? I’m sure Thorax would understand.
-It’s like, three in the morning there.
-I order you to go talk to him!!
-FINE! Secundus snapped.
The tape switched.
-I’m glad you had a fun day nearly getting killed with Sombrero.
-Don’t call him that! Secundus replied with a laugh.
-No, it’s just … I’m glad you have friends. You’re a lot less agoraphobic since you’ve lived here. Maybe you won’t need me some day. Who knows.
-Don’t worry, I’ve never really gone for the evil overlord type. I think I see them as competition on some level.
-Right, because you’re such a villain.
-Hey! I was voted “Most Likely to One Day Conquer the Earth” in elementary school. That was kind of an indicator of my personality. I’m just usually the nice one.
-You’re adorable you know that?
-Fite me! Secundus snarled.
The track moved forward.
-Wow. I … um … Gosh. He looks just like a kitten sleeping there. I’d never have thought …
-You would focus on the last few hours, rather than my entire wedding. Secundus said with a laugh.
-Oh, no, it’s not that. Your wedding was everything we always hoped it would be and more. Thorax just surprised me is all. I mean – wow.
The track moved further ahead.
-I can’t believe I made that.
-Yeah, he’s adorable. You’re lucky you can put up a crib with a thought. Albert’s admittedly one of the cutest things I’ve seen, and we aren’t overly fond of babies. Hey! He’s got my hair!
-There is such a thing as coincidence.
-Afraid I’ll corrupt your firstborn?
-Terrified, yes. Secundus replied good-naturedly. It was obvious he didn’t mean it.
-Heh. So, can I be like a cool uncle or something?
-I thought you didn’t like me introducing you to “corpses.” It tends to get me locked up.
-Yeah, but I’m like an older brother now or something. I swear I will do whatever I can to help you, Albert Jones, even if I have to override this nutcase to do it!
-Easy! I get you want to help but try not to overdo it!
The tape moved quickly on.
-Why did you give me such a horrible nightmare?! I lost EVERYTHING in it!! Secundus roared.
-I …
-It’s because I won’t play with you anymore, right? Call it what you want but that’s what it is! For gods’ sakes, it’s not like I can get away from you! Just because I have a family now doesn’t mean I won’t be spending time with you. We do care for each other, even if it’s in a weird way. Don’t ever do that again!!
The other voice was silent.
The tape skipped a bit.
-We might have overdone that a bit…
-“Might?” Those colts are scarred for life most likely! I just – yeesh. I should have done something more practical, I’m going to get in so much trouble. I know I’m overprotective of my family, but yeah, we overdid that.
Well, you have to admit, it was fun.
Oh, hush, Secundus replied. No one asked you. But, yes. It was.That worries me. Please go away.
The recording skipped further forward.
-Uggh. Gods willing, may I not have to deal with yaks the rest of the year. I nearly got everything trampled.
-Well, it was nice of Blueblood to give you pointers. They actually helped, I didn’t think he’d be that kind to you.
-“There’s no such thing as a free lunch.” I’ve had my fill of socializing for the foreseeable future.
-Cheer up! You’ve got the Grand Galloping Gala to look forward to!
*BAM!* BAM!*BAM!*BAM!*BAM!*
-Uh, you’re going to break your horn off if you keep banging your head against the wall like that.
-I. Can’t. Take. Any. More. Bloody. Diplomacy!! Secundus shouted in time with the beats of his head. I’m horrible at it, it drains me, and I never know what to say! Why the hell did I have to wind up being a king?!!
Thorax chuckled. I remember that night! It took me almost an hour to convince him not to run away from home!
The tape wound to a stop. A DJ/announcer’s voice said, “You’re listening to Memory.Now. Bringing you laughter, trauma, hope, and fear for over twenty years. We’ll get back to your most-requested memories after this message from our sponsors!”
An inequine screeching came over the speaker. Thorax clamped his hooves over his ears. It felt like somepony was dragging a file down the exoskeleton on his back.
“Thanks for that encouraging message, Dave!” The DJ said. “And now, highlights from High School!”
Thorax quickly trotted away from the speaker, in case another “sponsored message” came over it. He mulled a few things over. “So, I’m in a world that would be designed for, and maybe by Secundus, and I’m listening to his memories apparently.” Thorax facehoofed. “OK, I know I’m missing something blatantly obvious, but I don’t know what it i-”
Thorax then realized something important. Who the hay could Secundus have talked to his entire life, including when he met me, without anyling noticing?!
Thorax then heard far away music. It sounded like it was coming from all around. It seemed to be someone singing passionately, but he didn’t recognize the song. Suddenly, he just knew the name of the song and the artist, like someone had politely dropped the information into his head. The Police. “Every Breath You Take.” Cover by ???
The person singing seemed to be on the last few lines of the song, before they started another. Again, Thorax automatically knew the name and artist. Lady Gaga ft. Beyoncé. “Telephone.” Cover by ???
Thorax wondered who was singing, his ears couldn’t pick up where it was coming from, until it was right behind him. When he turned and saw who was singing, his jaw dropped.
It was either an enormous dog that looked like a wolf, or an enormous wolf that looked like a dog. The tips of Thorax’s antlers barely came up to its shoulders. Its fur was a bloody maroon, streaked with grey and black. Thorax didn’t have to check between the dog’s legs, the dog automatically radiated “I’m male.” He was walking down the street and singing loudly with his eyes closed, he apparently didn’t need to see to know where he was going. He had a nice tenor voice, although it was a bit strange. The only person Thorax had met who could glitch his vocals like that was Secundus. He was singing multiple lines on top of each other, the way a pop song worked.
The strangest thing was the dog’s body language. He wasn’t walking, he was strutting. His tail was held high, he was taking steps that made him look like he was dancing, and his hips swayed side to side the way a stallion trying to catch a mare’s eye did. Thorax had never seen a dog swagger before. In addition, despite his eyes being closed, the dog was smiling. Not in an “I’ve been called a good boy” way, or in an “I’m baring my teeth at my dinner” way, it was a cross between the two that radiated smugness.
He simply walked past Thorax without noticing him at all. When the song was over, and he got a few feet past Thorax, his tail wiggled a bit. His head snapped around, and his eyes snapped open. Thorax caught a flash of gold. The dog started growling, but not at Thorax, at his tail. He bared his teeth at it, while his tail swayed mockingly. The dog barked loudly, and the chase was on. Dog and tail fought each other tooth and nail, each just out of the other’s reach. The dog ran around and around in dizzying circles, never quite able to catch his tail. Finally, his quarry eluded him, and he slumped down on the ground, panting heavily.
Thorax trotted over. Working on the assumption that if the dog could sing it could probably talk, he said, “Despite that amazing display of cunning, reflex, and physical prowess, your tail still has a death grip on your butt.”
The dog looked floored to see Thorax. “How did you get in here?!” he asked in shock.
Thorax shrugged. “There was a door. I walked through it.”
“Of course, there’s a door,” the dog grumbled. “Why not declare war on reality while you’re at it?”
Thorax couldn’t figure out what that meant. “I’ve met diamond dogs, but I’ve never met a talking dog that looked like you,” Thorax said with interest.
The dog scratched behind his ear. “I’m not a dog,” he said irritably.
Thorax was about to point out that, yes, he was, when he had to blink. The dog was gone. In his place was a very strange looking human. He was young, tall and thin, with long spiky black hair like Albert’s mane. He was wearing dress clothes that looked very professional. He was pretty average physically, what was strange was his color. Clothes, hair, skin, everything was monochrome. He looked like a black-and white photograph, except for his eyes, which were a glowing yellow.
He gave Thorax a smile. Thorax was fine with the fact he had small fangs, but the smile was just wrong. It was meant to be friendly and disarming, but he looked like he’d never actually practiced smiling in his life. Thorax got the impression that this was some … thing … trying really, really hard to appear as a friendly, harmless human, and failing miserably.
“What are you?” Thorax asked, getting ready to go into fight-or-flight.
The person looked down at himself. “Hmm. This is missing a good reference.” His outfit changed so that he was wearing a yellow tailcoat with a brick pattern over his shirt, a black bowtie instead of a black necktie, and a tall black top hat. He pulled a curved black cane out of the air. “Much better!” he said happily. He then glared dangerously at Thorax. A black magical aura surrounded his left hand, and Thorax found himself hanging upside down in the air. “Listen up, Buttercup!” the man said. “I’m an all-powerful dream demon, and you’ve invaded my territory!” He broke into a hopeful smile. “Want to dance?” he asked excitedly.
“What?” Thorax asked. The next thing Thorax knew, he was on his hind legs, tangoing with whoever this was, a rose between his teeth. He had no idea how that happened. The man was a surprisingly good dancer. Thorax spat the rose out. “What are you doing?!” he shouted.
“You’re right! Who needs to dance? I know a great hotel up the road we can go to, and-”
Someone cleared their throat behind him. Loudly. He turned to look behind him and cringed. “Oh! Um. Hi. It’s nice to see you.”
Thorax peered over the human’s shoulder. Standing behind him was another human. The second human was dressed in slacks a long-sleeve t-shirt, a grey and orange striped hoodie, and geeky glasses. Thorax stared. If it weren’t for the fact that the human holding him had mildly demonic features, the two could have been identical twins.
The normal-looking human had his arms crossed and a foot tapping angrily. “What … are you doing with my husband?” he demanded angrily.
The other human cringed again. “Dancing! See! Perfectly innocent!”
“He was inviting me to bed,” Thorax said flatly. “Wait! Husband? Is that you, Sec?”
Secundus nodded. “Eeyep.” He glared at the other human. “Put him down, gently, and back away. Now.” The other human did so.
“Where are we?” Thorax asked in confusion.
The other human cut Secundus’s reply off. “A world of pure imagination!” Secundus glared at him. “What?! It’s the perfect response!”
Secundus sighed. “I don’t know how in Equestria you got here, but we’re in my mind. Like what I’ve done with the place?” he said, gesturing at the world around him.
“Ooookaaay, I can sort of process that, but who the hay is he?” Thorax asked, pointing at the strange looking twin.
The twin looked affronted. “My name is beyond your ability to comprehend, morta-”
“His name’s Mal, because I was seven, and I thought it was funny.” Secundus said flatly. Mal glared murderously at Secundus. “When I’m yelling at him, I lengthen it to ‘Malectus.’”
“OK, but who is he?” Thorax asked.
Secundus sighed. “You’ve met him a couple of times. That time we danced in the storm, when he suggested how to ‘deal’ with Albert’s bullies, and a couple of other times. Apparently, my eyes turn yellow when he’s ‘driving.’ He switches from being my id to my ego to my superego depending on his mood, but he’s really just my imaginary friend.”
There was an audible “Twang!” as the last of Thorax’s sanity finally snapped. He started speaking in a calm, reasonable tone. “Let me see if I understand this. The reason I have thought that you are demonically possessed on occasion or have another personality this past year, the reason you have terrified Albert on two occasions, IS BECAUSE OF YOURIMAGNIARY FRIEND???!!!” His scream echoed off the nearby buildings.
“That about sums it up,” Mal said mildly. “This is why he doesn’t introduce me to real people.”
Thorax was snorting angrily and looked like he was ready to charge them. Finally, his anger drained away, and he flopped to the ground. “I give up,” he muttered.
Mal snickered. “Wow. That went better than in any of my simulations.” He walked over and stuck out a hand. “It’s really nice to finally meet you. I’m sorry for freaking everyling out.” Thorax shook the hand. “Wow! Your hoof feels awesome! It’s not what I was expecting from a pony’s hoof at all!”
Thorax gave Secundus a confused look. Secundus sighed. “He’s not real. Therefore, he’s never been outside my head, therefore he’s never actually experienced physical sensation. You’re the first person or pony he’s actually touched. It would be an amazing experience if it’s your first time shaking someling’s hoof.”
Thorax nodded, too tired to answer verbally.
Mal said to Secundus, “You really shouldn’t have built a door into here. Anything, including me, could have gotten out.”
“I think it’s a one-way door,” Thorax said, not lifting his head up. “I couldn’t get back out.”
Mal seemed relieved. “Well, at least you didn’t wind up in the basement,” he said cheerfully. “No one might have ever seen you again!”
“Basement?”
Secundus sighed. “Everyone’s got a ‘downstairs’ in their mind, where they burry stuff. Since it’s actually a location here, I call it the basement. It’s not actually a basement.”
“No, it’s a hospital,” Mal said with an evil smirk.
“It’s a hospital?”
“Well, hospital/prison. It’s where he puts anything that troubles him too much. He’s threatened to send me there a couple thousand times, but I know all the shortcuts here,” Mal said. “All the patients/inmates are nightmares.” He pulled out a book and glanced through it. “Let’s see… he’s got five versions of his mother down there, fifteen of his father, 3,000 ways to die at the last count, and a couple of dozen movie monsters.” Mal noticed something in the book and screamed, dropping it like he’d been burned.
“What?” Secundus asked.
“The Corinthian and Springtrap are on guard duty this week,” Mal said in a worried tone. “You let those two guard the other nightmares?”
Secundus shrugged. “The more powerful the nightmare, the better a guard it makes. It was their turn. Besides, Springtrap makes amazing pancakes.”
“Mmm. I still say having a firewall of Weeping Angels was a bad idea,” Mal muttered moodily.
Thorax was feeling better, so he shakily stood up. “You two are like an old married couple,” he said with an amused snort.
“We are an old married couple,” they said in unison, “We’re the same person.”
“Well, sort of,” Mal said. “It’s kind of complicated.”
“Hey, would you do me a favor?” Secundus asked.
“What?” Thorax asked warily.
Secundus sighed. “Dance with him. All he’s wanted to do most of our life is dance, and he’s never even been able to touch anyone. Please try to imagine what that’s like.”
After Thorax pictured that kind of existence, he nodded.
“Take that costume off,” Secundus told Mal with a smirk.
Mal stuck his tongue out. “Like you could do better.”
“This is my costume, I’m going as myself. I very rarely get to do that. Have fun you two! Try anything funny, and I’ll kill you Mal. In fact, let me pick your first song!” Secundus finished with an evil grin.
“Don’t you da-” Mal shouted, but Secundus was gone.
Thorax listened to music playing. He recognized this song. “Isn’t that-?”
Mal nodded. “Countess Coloratura’s ‘Applause,’” Mal confirmed. “He went and did it.” He cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted at the sky, “I am NOTthat desperate for attention!!”
“Yes, you are,” Secundus’s voice came from overhead. “Unless you want to put another quarter in the jukebox, I suggest you enjoy yourselves.”
Mal rolled his eyes and grabbed Thorax’s hoof, drawing him to his hindlegs. “Come on, my horse husband!” Once Thorax realized that Mal wasn’t going to try anything underhooved, he relaxed and genuinely began to enjoy himself. Mal obviously loved dancing as much as Secundus, but he was a much better dancer. Thorax had always been a good dancer, so it was nice to have a partner more on his level.
They danced to three or four of their favorite songs. Two from Secundus, two from Thorax. “You know my favorite songs?” Thorax asked with surprise.
“I know everything Secundus knows. Plus a few things he doesn’t, otherwise what would be the fun?” They danced like Thorax had never danced before, laughing and joking the whole time.
“You know, you’re actually not as bad as I thought you were.”
“No, he isn’t,” Secundus said from right behind Thorax. Thorax jumped. “Never gets old,” cackled Secundus. “He’s actually saved my life a couple of times, believe it or not. He usually gets me out of the trouble he gets me into. When he’s not ruining my life, he’s a really great friend. He really does care about me, even if it is in a slightly twisted way.”
Thorax chuckled. “So, this is your mind. It’s actually pretty cool. Kind of creepy, should I be worried?”
“This is my mind, we’re talking about,” Secundus said with a grin. “Were you expecting kittens and rainbows? Actually, we do have a lot of cats, but they’re all from Cheshire or Ulthar, so tread carefully around them.”
“I take it you’re leaving?” Mal asked.
Secundus nodded. “Yeah, I’ll be waking up any minute.”
“It was really nice to meet you Moosey,” Mal said with a smile. He grinned. “Ivnvnyvi! Pvvk gslhv blf olev xolhv gl blf, gsvb nrtsg yv tlmv hllm. Fmgro gsvm, R'oo yv dzgxsrm blf, hdvvg uozmph! R'oo yv dzgxsrmt!!”
Thorax blinked. “What language was that?”
Secundus sighed. “Enciphered Equestrian.” He elbowed Mal. “Can’t you even say ‘goodbye’ without being creepy?” he hissed.
Mal blinked. “No, of course not,” he said in confusion.
Secundus sighed. “Well, I’m glad you two didn’t kill each other. See you on the other side.”
Thorax came too groggily. He was lying on a soft, furry pillow … that was breathing. He quickly climbed off of Secundu’s stomach. Secundus quickly sat up. He looked at Thorax and said, “Before you ask, no that one wasn’t a dream. If you want to divorce me, it could be tricky. We were married under pony law, but we had a Draconequus witness it, and Draconequui divorce procedure is awful.”
“Why would I want to divorce you?” Thorax asked with a smirk.
“Because I just get weirder and weirder,” Secundus groaned.
“So. You’re Autistic, and you’ve still got an imaginary friend. I still don’t know what your job has you do either.” An incredibly guilty look crossed Secundus’s face. “Tell me everything,” Thorax commanded in a tone befitting a king.
“Everything?” Thorax nodded. “That could take a while. Well, in the Beginning was the Word, but before the beginning a council arose to determine-”
“Sec! I meant tell me everything about you!”
“Oh. Right.” Secundus cleared his throat. “I was born on a small rock farm in northern Minnesota. The winters were hard with no coat or shoes, but even as a young boy, I had a dream, that one day-”
“That’s strike two.”
Secundus momentarily regretted introducing Thorax to baseball. “All right, all right! I just don’t like talking about my past!” He sat down and began to talk…
Despite all of Secundus’s evidence to the contrary, Thorax actually was a morning pony. Once he was awake, that is. He woke up, and actually managed it on the first try. He tried to snuggle into his husband, but was met with empty air instead. Thorax sighed, feeling pouty. Secundus didn’t sleep, and sometimes he was called away for work in the middle of the night. Some nights, he just went for a “walk” and wound up on a moon in another universe, just staring at the stars. He almost always left a note and a cold breakfast though or some love he’d stored away. This time, there was neither. Thorax grumbled in his head and got up, trying to think of what the day’s calendar held. Unlike Celestia, he didn’t have a henchpony to help keep him organized.
Thorax wound up in the twisty, slightly impossible main hall of the Hive. On the “floor” that gravity agreed with was something he hadn’t seen before. It was a rare sight in the Hive. A large, slate grey Pegasus stallion with a spiky black mane was trying unsuccessfully to preen his wings. He spat out a feather. “Ppbbfft. Bah! How do ponies do this?!” he shouted at no one in particular.
Thorax trotted over, wondering how an intruder slipped by the guards. “Did Celestia send you?” he asked in dangerous tones. “We don’t take kindly to ponies breaking in here without permission.”
Not meeting Thorax’s eyes, the stallion huffed, “Oh, please. I’m not an intruder Moosey.”
Thorax glanced down and his eyes went wide. The stallion wasn’t casting a pony’s shadow. His shadow was long, serpentine, and furry and had six limbs: two arms, two legs, and two tails. Despite not matching the stallion’s shape the shadow was firmly attached to him and was copying his actions perfectly. “Secundus?” Thorax asked uncertainly.
The stallion looked up at Thorax with gold eyes, a slightly insane smile on his face. “Surprise! It’s me!”
“Oh. You’re … I don’t … you aren’t Sec?”
“Nope. I’m part of him, but not the whole picture. You remember me, we met a few days ago. I’m Mal. We had a nice time dancing.”
“How did you get out of his head?” Thorax asked, feeling a headache coming on.
Mal frowned. “We had one of our flaming rows, and to cut a long story short, he wound up screaming, and I quote, ‘If you’re so sure you’d have done better as a ‘corpse’ try being one!!’ Next thing I know, I’m looking up at an enraged noodle. Your husband’s scary when he gets mad. Not that I didn’t know that from personal experience,” Mal huffed. “Anyway, he stormed off. I have no idea where. Don’t worry, he’ll be back, sooner rather than later. He hates being away from you for too long.” Mal peered at himself. “I don’t know what I look like, or the first thing about being a human, let alone a pony!”
“So … you’re an actual flesh and blood pony?”
“Yep! Cut me and I’ll bleed,” Mal said morosely.
“What do you think of it?” Thorax asked with interest.
Mal shuddered. “I hate it. I don’t know how you do it. I can feel my kidneys working.” He shuddered again.
Thorax sighed. This … person … had scared him half to death a few times. Secundus had made him sound like the ultimate evil sometimes. But, he was a part of Secundus, and Thorax loved Secundus, eldritchness and all. He noted with interest that he could actually read Mal’s emotions this time, although they were a bit strange tasting. He didn’t seem evil, he seemed … lost. And scared, and, judging by the way he was shivering, cold. Thorax sighed again. “Wait here,” he commanded.
Thorax returned a few minutes later, dragging something along with him in his mouth. He unceremoniously threw it over Mal. “You’re lucky my son’s exothermic and my husband likes to knit.”
Mal took the afghan gratefully, wrapping it around him, and tracing part of the pattern with a hoof. He chuckled. “Yeah, he loved this one. He nearly had a stroke when he made a knot … here,” he said, tracing part of the blanket with his hoof, “but he enjoyed making this. Thanks Moosey.”
“You’re welcome. How … how do you know how he felt making that? I didn’t even know he’d made a mistake there.”
Mal shrugged. “He wove it in. To answer your first question, I share his head. I know everything Secundus knows. Plus a few things he doesn’t,” Mal said with a grin. “I have … had access to all of his memories, and got to experience his whole day with him, every single day. I … don’t like being separate,” Mal said, slumping down. “My mind’s too quiet without him. He probably feels the same way. We did have a love/hate relationship, but we worked well together. I’ve been there through thick and thin with him. I’ve even saved his life a few times.”
“How?”
“By talking him out of it,” Mal said absent-mindedly. “It’s not really important. I – I don’t know what to do on my own. He can manage just fine,” Mal spat. “Well, probably. I don’t know. He might be doing worse. I-” Mal’s stomach let out a growl that would have put a bugbear to shame.
“Have you eaten at all today?” Thorax asked.
“I forget you’re supposed to do that,” Mal mumbled. “I’ve never needed to. I did usually remind him to eat, the scatterbrain. Now that he doesn’t need to eat, I don’t even have to do that.”
Thorax rolled his eyes. “Stay here.” Thorax trotted out of the room. Every once in a while, Sec actually had a really good idea that could be used, and Thorax was about to use one of them. He grabbed a bag of bits on his way to a chamber that usually stayed around the center of the Hive. He stood in front of an upright stone circle that three ponies could have trotted through at once.
The Hive was a day away from the nearest village, as the Changeling flies. Sec had been happy to send Changelings and ponies to and from the Hive, for errands, or just for visits, but he wasn’t always there to serve as a “train conductor.” He’d been worried he’d accidentally leave someling in Appleoosa by mistake, and they’d have to hoof it back to the Hive on their own fare. One day, he’d finally snapped when he’d been juggling transporting almost thirty Changelings across Equestria while trying to fulfil some of his duties. He’d written to the leading councils of several major cities of Equestria with a crazy proposal, but he made a good case for it. To his surprise, most of them agreed, since there wouldn’t be a bill, he just needed a location in each city.
Secundus had set up a portal system to and from the Hive in cities with strategic locations, or accommodations that the Changelings wanted. There was one portal out in the Hive, and a way back in in each of the cities. It had actually done a lot to help the Hive economy, although Sec and some of the Changelings were still slightly uncomfortable letting outsiders in. To make sure a pony didn’t accidentally wind up hundreds of miles from home in a strange environment, the portals had “access codes.” For example, the portal in Canterlot asked a different riddle twice daily, which Celestia and Luna found amusing, and Blueblood found irritating, even though he enjoyed riddles. To go from the Hive to a specific city, you simply set a large dial to the side to a specific city, an idea Secundus absolutely did not steal from one of his favorite anime movies.
Thorax sighed and set the dial to “Ponyville.” He returned about ten minutes later holding a steaming cardboard box, to find Mal laying right next to the portal, looking like a dog waiting for its owner to come home. Mal sat up expectantly. He really did seem like a dog at times.
“I got your favorite pizza,” Thorax said, transferring the box to levitation.
“Oh, yeah? How exactly do you know my favorite pizza?” Mal asked scornfully.
“Jalapeño, pineapple, and tomato, right?” Mal nodded wordlessly. “Do you have to be so cutting all the time?” Thorax snapped.
“Sorry. I only ever interacted with someone with … impaired social skills is a nice way to put it. I was usually yelling at him for a stupid decision. Thanks for the pizza,” Mal said somewhat warmly.
They both trotted to the kitchen. As Thorax put the pizza on two plates, he noticed Mal mumbling something. “What are you doing?”
“Praying.”
“You don’t strike me as the religious type.”
“Well, I’ve met a god, so it’s hard not to be. Anyway, it’s an old habit.”
Thorax chuckled. “What are gods like? I only met the gods of an alternate universe. Do you think I’ll meet a god someday? Like, from our universe?”
A corner of Mal’s mouth curled up and he snickered. He then burst out laughing.
“What’s funny?” asked Thorax.
“Sorry, I was just premembering something.”
“Don’t you mean ‘remembering’?”
“‘It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backwards,’” Mal quoted with a grin.
“‘Off with his head! Off with his head!’”
Mal snickered and they dug in. “WOW!!” Mal shouted. “This is amazing! I’ve never had anything this good! Literally, actually, this is my first meal ever. It’s a pretty good meal too.”
Thorax chuckled and his horn lit up, mugs and tea supplies arranging themselves on the counter, and a teapot setting itself to boil. “OK, spill!” Thorax said.
“Spill what?”
“What’s Secundus actually like?”
Mal laughed. “That I can’t talk about very much. Now that I have skin, I’d prefer to keep it. Let’s see … well, most of him you know by now. And he’s told you the important bits of what he didn’t tell you at first. He’s even more insane inside his head than he is outside. Actually, it’s my job to keep him semi-distracted at all times, otherwise he might conquer Equus, turn Canterlot into a hot fudge sundae, plunge Equestria into eternal winter, or get rid of all the coffee on the planet or something. He’d think that last one was a favor, actually.” Thorax shuddered. “He’s really nice, which you know. Just sort of … I don’t know, Secundus-y. That’s really all I can say. I’m the only one who understands him of course, since ‘we are one’ and all that. We could talk about me, if you want…” Mal finished with a grin. Thorax noticed he had fangs. What kind of Pegasus had fangs?!
“Oh, really? Is that your favorite subject or something?” Thorax asked slyly.
“One of them, yes.” Thorax made a motion to continue. “Basically, I’m just part of Secundus that’s allowed to roam free and cause mayhem. Well, roam free in his head anyway. Sometimes I’m his Id, and sometimes I’m his conscience. Usually the latter.” Mal looked uncomfortable. “Sec was … left alone a lot. As a kid, I mean. His parents weren’t really available. He wasn’t abused or anything,” Mal added quickly, “He just didn’t get as much love as he should have. He didn’t have a lot of friends, and his extended family hated him, and he was alone most of the time, so he didn’t have anyone to talk to. So, he started talking to himself. As a way to stay sane. After a while, he started talking back,” Mal said with a smirk. “Years later, here we are. I’m what started talking back. He feed me a bit of himself, slowly, and I … grew up into what I am. I’m technically a part of Secundus, and we both now we’re the same person, we just consider ourselves separate versions of the same personality. It would help if I had a flowchart,” Mal muttered, “one of those things they explain the Trinity with. Never understood that one.”
Mal continued. “Anyway, basically, I’m Secundus’s opposite. I like him. He doesn’t. I’m … selfish, petty, I can be arrogant … things like that. I probably qualify as some sort of sociopath,” he muttered.
“Oh, come on!” Thorax shouted.
Mal gave him a pointed look. “If I thought I could get away with it, I’d take you apart to see how you worked, and then put you back together wrong because I’d find it funny. Is that the act of someone nice?” he said, putting a Scottish twist on the word “nice.”
Before Thorax could answer, the kettle boiled. He wordlessly got up and made the tea, mulling over what he’d just heard. When he passed Mal his mug and sat back down, he slowly asked, “So … you’re evil?”
Mal chuckled. “No. I’m Secundus. That kid doesn’t have an evil bone in his body. I’m supposed to be his dark side, and I’m not that dark. He doesn’t have enough evil in him to have an evil side. The only reason I’ve been acting all … demonic lately is-” Mal blew some air out of his nostrils and sighed, stirring his untouched tea. “I’m an imaginary friend. One of my great fears is that one day, Secundus will wake up, he won’t need me anymore, and I won’t exist. Can you try and imagine what that’s like?!” Mal said with a pleading look. “I don’t even look like anything unless he’s picturing it! When he sleeps, I … switch off. One minute I’m saying ‘goodnight,’ and then there’s … darkness. Nothing. Void. I’m not aware that I’m not aware. I only snap out of it when he wakes up. I’ve only been aware of myself when he’s asleep once and that was because he was having a horrible nightmare and was somewhat awake. The reason I’ve been so horrible lately is because I am terrified … that … that you’ve replaced me.” Mal said in a small voice. “And that I’ll go back into the dark. Forever. So, I was trying to get him to notice me, I just went about it entirely wrong, because I was so angry at him! It was stupid, and wrong.”
Mal sighed again. “Look. I’m not evil, I’m good. I’m not remotely nice, but I’m good. I try to be. I’m actually one of the things holding Sec back sometimes. You know that voice that talked him out of vaporizing Sombra when he foalnapped you?”
“I think it was a bit beyond vaporizing at that point,” Thorax said with a grin.
Mal chuckled. “Yeah, complete erasure from time might be overdoing it. Anyway, that was me. Look, I care about Sec, almost as much as you do. It’s one of the reasons I’m glad he found you. One of the reasons he made me was so that he could have a cool, protective older brother. I just wound up with some of the negative aspects of his personality. In a way, that’s actually a good thing.”
“How so?”
“Fluttershy told you that if Discord stops being chaotic for too long, he vanishes, right?” Thorax nodded. “Well, he wouldn’t have died, but it would have taken him about a hundred years to pull himself together, so to Fluttershy, he would have died. Discord’s the Spirit of Chaos, therefore he needs to be chaotic. Secundus is the Spirit of Duality. Having a part of your personality that is the opposite of you in a lot of ways, and contradicts you most of the time, is a really good way to have a personal dichotomy. Although, he has gotten a little more … polarized since he got the job. At least he’s used to it.
“So. That about covers my tragic backstory. Lord that was a lot of exposition, why did I have to do that?” Mal’s ear flicked at something Thorax couldn’t hear and he shook his head. He then said, “Well, yes, you could drop an anvil on me, but you won’t. You know better than to play God here. Anyway, since when were you the one in control?”
“Uh, who are you talking to?”
Mal shrugged. “Just a human I know pretty well who has a keyboard, a twisted sense of humor, and far too much time on his hands. It’s nothing to worry about, just a part of Sec’s insanity I got. So. Not too scary, am I?” He took a sip of his tea. “Wow. This really is amazing! I usually taste things second-hand. Er, hoof.”
Thorax laughed. “Yeah, you’re not too bad. Um. Not to be rude or anything, but how long are you here for?”
Mal shrugged. “Probably until this evening. I think Sec wants you to keep an eye on me so that I don’t get into trouble. I wouldn’t mind spending the day with my host’s husband.”
“‘Host’?”
“Oh, I call Sec my host. You know, like ‘host organism’? It’s because I get to ride around in his head.”
“That makes you sound like a parasite or something.”
“It’s actually pretty symbiotic.”
“Why do you call ponies ‘corpses’?”
Mal chuckled. “Oh. It’s … well … it’s …” he cleared his throat. “Present moment notwithstanding, I don’t have a body. I’m made of imagination and thought. So, from my perspective, lifeforms with a body are basically minds and souls walking around in corpses that are slowly decaying, until they finally stop working altogether, at which point they really decay. Which, while being a perfectly charming viewpoint, is somewhat accurate. It’s also short for ‘corporeal lifeform.’ I actually mean it affectionately, although as Sec puts it, ‘because he doesn’t have a body, he thinks he gets to be smug about it.’ I find beings with bodies … weird. I didn’t even like sharing, so having my own is …” Mal suddenly jumped up, swatting at himself with his hooves. “Auugh! Itches, itches, itches! Oozing! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!” He jumped onto a counter and curled into a ball, shuddering constantly.
Once Thorax could tell he’d calmed down slightly, he said, “Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Find a way to stop me feeling my arteries working?” Mal asked, looking a bit green. “Sec could do that when we were human, and he’d freak out like that too. Now I see why. Hhggghh.” Mal chuckled and gracefully fell back onto the floor. “I could maybe get used to it, given a couple of years, but I hate being a monoform.”
“You’re a shapeshifter?” Thorax asked eagerly.
Mal puffed his chest out, looking like a grey male Rainbow Dash in terms of smugness. “Of course! I don’t have a body, so why should I be stuck in one shape? I loved shifting! Sec used to make fun of me because I wouldn’t stay in one shape for more than a few weeks, but if he could, he wouldn’t have either. I did have a couple of favorites I’d always cycle back to. I make a great wolf or otter!”
“Or dog?” Thorax said with an evil grin. “I seem to recall what you looked like when I first met you.”
“For your information, that was a dire wolf,” Mal said with an offended sniff. “You’re pony shaped, does that make you a pony?” Thorax shook his head. “I thought not,” said Mal. He then laughed. “Actually, I can tell you something about Sec, but you already know it. What did you think of the world in his head?”
“It was … eerie. Creepy. But … kind of cool. Interesting, at least.”
“What did you notice about the sky?”
“There were lots of stars,” Thorax said with a smile.
“And the sun?” Mal prompted.
“It was setting, why?”
Mal smiled. “There’s always a sunset, but never a sun to go with it. It’s always nighttime there. Although, before you psychoanalyze that, that’s just one viewpoint of his mind, there are others as well. Some of the worlds in his head are pretty bright and cheerful. Not as cheerful as a stupid world of singing pastel ponies,” Mal muttered with an eye roll, “but still a bit more upbeat than something out of a horror movie.”
“What was Sec’s family like?”
Mal looked uncomfortable. “They … got used to him. It just took them twenty years. Before then, they … I’d rather not talk about it, I’ll get in trouble,” he finished. “Anyway, he’s told you about his dad, so you sort of get the picture.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.” Mal cleared his throat uncomfortably. He then brightened up. “So! What do want to do all day?! I’ve got independence, so I’d like to use it to the fullest!”
“I don’t exactly trust you,” Thorax said with a grin.
“Ah, wise man. Er, stallion.” Mal took a sip of his tea. “Ge’ta! This is amazing!” he said, eyes almost bugging out of his skull.
Thorax laughed. “You speak Changeish?”
“A bit. Mind you, I don’t have the right wings…” Mal gave his wings a few experimental flaps.
“How do you speak Changeish?”
“I listen,” Mal said with a shrug. “‘Every word you say, every single day, every game you play,’ as the song goes.”
“That’s not totally creepy,” Thorax muttered softly.
“I heard that! I know it is, all right? I don’t exactly have a lot of choice. What he sees and hears, I see, it’s as simple as that. He’s picking up some Changeish, so I am as well.” He took another sip of his tea. “Want to hear something he’d never tell you? I don’t think he’d actually hurt me, and you should probably know this.”
Thorax nodded and Mal continued. “Does he ever talk about his work?”
“No,” Thorax said uncertainly.
“It’s his job to balance extremes in the multiverse. Which means that half the time he gets to distribute rainbows and puppies. The other half of the time, he … makes volcanoes explode, crashes stock markets, that kind of thing. It’s not an everyday thing!” Mal said quickly, catching Thorax’s expression. “The multiverse’s definition of an ‘extreme’ that needs balancing is much more extreme than most people’s. It’s in the case of about a thousand years of outrageous amounts of peace and plenty type thing, and even then, he doesn’t go overboard, he just … throws a slight spanner in the works. That’s all. He hasn’t killed anyone, but … he knows what he has to do has consequences for others, and he hates it. That’s not the worst part,” Mal muttered.
“What’s the worst part?” Thorax asked, worry gnawing at his stomach.
Mal sighed. “‘A thousand years of peace and prosperity?’ Try and think of a planet that’s had that in its very recent history. I’ll give you a hint: it’s a musical.”
Thorax’s eyes went wide, and he started to shake. “Please tell me that’s some sort of sick joke. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t.”
Mal shrugged. “He’ll have to, like it or not. Thankfully, you’ve had all Tartarus break loose quite a few times the past few years, but … let’s face it, Equus is usually a bit of a utopia in recent history. Too much good vibes, and … well, let’s just say even he doesn’t want to know what he’ll have to do. He’s praying he can get another thousand year minimum, and he won’t have to do anything too drastic, but one of these centuries, it’ll be Sec’s turn to turn Equestria inside out. He’s worried he’ll enjoy it.”
Thorax swallowed. “I think my tea’s gone off.”
“Heh. You’re terrified at what might happen. That’s … cute,” Mal said with a malicious smirk. “Don’t be. It’ll be fine. It’s not like he’s going to destroy where he lives and loves. But …” he rubbed the back of his head. “That’s one of the reasons he won’t meet his reflection’s eyes.”
“What are the others?”
“Well, for one, looking even himself in the eye hurts, there’s the whole shame thing I just mentioned, and then there’s the creeping, fluttering things that live behind reflections and camera screens. They’re hungry. They only eat you a tiny bit at a time, and it’s throughout your whole life, so it’s not like you’d ever even notice it,” Mal grinned, “but they’re still creepy to see.”
“Tell me that was a lie,” Thorax groaned.
“OK, yes that was a lie,” Mal said, grin somehow getting wider. “If it’ll help you sleep better at night, then it was a lie.” Thorax rolled his eyes.
“Why do you have a desperate need to be creepy?” Thorax groaned.
“Because it’s fun…” Mal said, momentarily looking nothing at all like a pony without even having to shapeshift. Thorax pressed further back into his seat, heart racing. Mal switched back to normal, if he’d ever even actually changed, and asked, “Are you going to finish that? I’m still hungry.”
Thorax pushed over his plate of pizza. He’d never seen a pony eat like a predator, but it might have been the fangs. Nope, only big cats tore into their food in that exact way. Thorax gave a nervous chuckle. “So … does this mean I’ve married Jekyll and his accompanying Hyde?”
Mal glared at him. “I am the Hobbes to Sec’s Calvin, and the Yin to his Yang, but I am not Edvard bloody Hyde,” he growled, putting a strange accent on “Edward.” He grinned. “I’m not evil, just misunderstood!”
“Where have I heard that before?” Thorax pondered.
Mal suddenly stood up, walked over to Thorax, and ran his tail under Thorax’s chin, giving Thorax a funny look, before galloping away into the depths of the Hive.
Thorax’s jaw dropped, and his face burned. I’d better go find him before he causes real trouble. As soon as I get my hormones under control.
Thorax found Mal in Albert’s Spider Room as it had come to be known, covered in spiders and laughing in delight. Thorax cleared his throat. “Oh! Hi!” Mal said with a grin. “These little guys are delightful!”
“Do you know what you just did?”
“Oh, I’m sorry about just running off like that, I’m pretty impulsive. I’m trying to work on it.”
“I meant with your tail,” Thorax growled.
Mal blinked. “What about my tail?”
“You ran your tail under my chin,” Thorax said.
“I did?” Mal said, clearly confused.
Thorax nodded. “You’re not a pony, and neither am I, but do you know what that act means?” Mal shook his head. Thorax groaned. “Basically: ‘Come Hither.’ You don’t remember even doing it?”
Mal shook his head, face flushing with embarrassment. “Sorry. I didn’t mean anything remotely like that. I didn’t even know I was doing that. I’ll keep my body language under control. Don’t worry, you’re not my type, you’re too nice.”
“Oh? You have a type?” Thorax said with a grin. “What is my husband’s dark side’s type?”
“Monsters,” Mal said simply. “What would you like to do today?”
Thorax shrugged. “Well, we’ve had pizza, so … movies?”
Mal smiled. “I’d like that.” He grinned evilly. “So. Pizza and a movie. Are you asking me out on a date?”
“Well, you are part of my husband,” Thorax smirked back. “Besides, I haven’t had a day off in ages. Albert’s at school, and everyling is pretty busy without me. It would be nice.” Mal nodded, and the two headed off.
When they got all set up with snacks and a comfy couch and a projector screen, Thorax asked, “What would you like to watch?”
Mal settled into the couch, laying down next to Thorax with his head facing the screen. “I like action comedies,” Mal said after some thought. “Things exploding can be very entertaining.” Thorax tried to not swallow nervously. Thorax popped a reel into the projector and started running the film. As the film started playing, Mal was oddly silent, seeming almost tranquil. Thorax started running his hoof through Mal’s mane, and Mal practically melted into the couch. He gave a soft nicker of contentment. He then clapped his hooves over his mouth, his face burning. “Oh, my gods, I’m a freakin’ horse!”
Thorax chuckled. “Being a pony’s not that bad!” He went back to running his hoof through Mal’s mane. “You know Sec purrs when I do this?”
Mal nodded, seeming sleepy. “Yeah. You’re a good parent.”
“Uh, thanks,” Thorax said, taken aback by a genuine compliment. “I’m glad you-”
“They’re getting to the good part, hush!” Mal said with a grin.
That afternoon, Secundus came back home, looking completely drained. He walked into a small chamber that served as his family’s “living room” and saw Mal and Thorax snoozing peacefully in front of the projector screen. He waved a paw and the projector snapped off. He waved his paw again and a blanket draped over the two of them. It was designed to look like the night sky, complete with moving shooting stars. He headed off to check on the state of his kingdom, which didn’t exactly need checking.
As soon as he left the room, Thorax snapped awake, sitting upright. Mal grumbled and pulled the blanket closer to him, before Thorax nudged him. Mal slowly came back to consciousness. “Oh. He’s back,” he mumbled, giving a wide yawn that reminded Thorax of a snake.
“How can you tell?”
“Well, I may not be an empath, but reading your own mind isn’t exactly hard. When we’re within a certain distance of each other, we can hear each other’s thoughts again.” Mal gave a sigh of relief. He then chuckled. “Aside from the Borg, I am probably the only person who would be grateful for the voices in my head to be back.”
“Yes, but we’re so used to functioning that way it’s painful not to,” Secundus said, leaning against a pillar with his arms folded, smiling. He glanced around. “Well, the Hive’s still standing, that’s good.”
“Give me some credit,” Mal muttered. “Did you do this so that I would learn humility or some such crock?” he asked, eyes narrowing.
Secundus sighed. “No, because I’m not that clever. I just wanted you out of my mane, because you’ve been driving me CRAZY!! I figured if Thorax can put up with me, dealing with you and keeping you from your evildoer ways wouldn’t be that much of a stretch.” He pointed at the side of his head. “Would you like to go back in, or do you want to stay out here-?” He thought about something. “If you really wanted to … I mean …” he was at a loss for words. “Do you want to be your own person? I couldn’t make you a Spirit, but I could maybe manage a unicorn.”
“You’d do that for me?” Mal asked in shock.
“I owe you,” was all Sec replied.
Mal thought about it for about five minutes, before he grinned and said, “Thanks, but I’m one of the only things keeping you in check. I think for all our sakes it’s best if I stick to my job as your conscience.”
“Touché,” Sec said.
“However,” Mal said with the speed of a striking cobra, “Can I come out on occasion?” he begged. “It’s really fun! I was genuinely surprised.”
Secundus looked uncomfortable. “I’d … have to clear it with Thorax. And Albert. And I should maybe give my friends advance warning.”
“I’m not that b- Oh. I am, aren’t I?” Mal asked.
“You have your moments, but so does everyone.”
“Hearths’warming! Let me out just for Hearths’warming this year! You’ll have six months to prepare!”
“Deal,” Secundus said. “So, would you like to ascend back to your true form,” he teased, “or-”
“Actually, I’d like to stay. Is that OK?” Mal asked Thorax. Thorax nodded. Mal smiled. “Thanks for taking such good care of my host.” He snickered. “It’s kind of funny that a Changeling married the Changeling King.”
“What do you mean?” Thorax asked.
“Oh! That’s right! He hasn’t told you about human Changelings, has he?” Mal said with an evil grin.
“Mal,” growled Secundus.
“Earth has Changelings?” Thorax asked Secundus.
Secundus sighed. “No. Humans have stories about Changelings, but they’re not real there. You know the Fair Folk in mythology? I’m sure you’ve read that far.” Thorax nodded slowly. “Right! Well, originally, elves and fairies were nothing like how Tolkien or Shakespeare depicted them. They were basically glamorous psychopaths. Occasionally, they’d kidnap a human baby to be a sort of toy. Gods help that child. Anyway, you couldn’t just make a baby disappear, the parents would notice. So, they’d leave a young fairy or a piece of wood disguised as the baby they’d stolen as a replacement. The imposter was called a Changeling. There were … interesting stories about Changelings,” Sec said slowly. He cleared his throat uncomfortably. “Mal always teases me that if I’d lived a few hundred years ago, I would have been a Changeling, since there was a list of “symptoms” to tell if a baby was human or not. In reality, those symptoms were caused by biological and neurological disorders, and some of the symptoms I have in abundance. So, my parents would have thought I was a Changeling, and would have probably taken me out into the woods and burned me alive to get their human child back.” Secundus gave a horrible, brittle smile. “Is it any wonder I prefer the Equestrian version of the story? Before you make another snap judgement of humanity, that’s just how things were back then, they didn’t know what autism was, and in all fairness, I wouldn’t have survived anyway. It was just a human story to explain things they didn’t understand, with horrible consequences. Did you have to make me explain that?!” he hissed at Mal, bearing his teeth and growling in his throat.
Mal swallowed. “I forgot how horrible it was. I was just winding you up. Sorry.”
Secundus growled, clicking in the back of his throat the way he did when he was upset. He sighed. “Right. Albert will be home in about an hour, if he slithers quickly. Can we all play Happy Families until then?”
“You hate doing that,” Mal pointed out.
“I know. I just want to not be ready to strangle you again today.”
Mal nodded. “All right, I can behave for my younger brother. Thorax?”
“I always behave,” Thorax purred. “Why do you call Albert your ‘younger brother?’”
“I’m Sec’s very first OC,” Mal said simply. “And that’s all the explanation you’re getting!” he said, with a light flick of his tail against Thorax’s nose. His eyes widened. “Er … did I just accidentally seduce you again?”
“YOU WHAT?!” Secundus shouted.
Thorax chuckled. “It’s a long story, and it was an accident,” he said firmly. “He just didn’t understand something about pony culture. It’s fine. Changelings don’t have an equivalent for that anyway.”
Secundus gave Mal the Evil Eye. “We’re talking later.”
Mal gave a nervous chuckle. He then said, “Could I change forms? I might not get in as much trouble then.” Secundus gave in and nodded.
An hour later Albert slithered through a portal and went hunting around the Hive. “Dads? I’m home!”
“Dear me, we’ve gone from ‘Dad and Papa’ to ‘Dads,’” Secundus said. “In here Albert!”
Albert came in and saw Thorax and Secundus sitting on a beat-up couch. Secundus was knitting an afghan at furious speeds. At their hooves (and paw) lay an enormous black dog, sleeping peacefully. “Did we get a dog while I was at school?’
The dog opened his yellow eyes and glared. “I’m a Grimhound you Philistine!” he snapped.
“Don’t talk to Albert that way,” Secundus chided. He pointed at the dog. “Albert, this is Mal. You’ve met.”
The voice and eyes clicked for Albert. “Are you the thing that possesses my dad sometimes?”
“Young stallion, I am a person, not a thing!” Mal said. “I’m your dad’s imaginary friend, and for the billionth time, I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting!!”
“Yeah, well, part of repentance is making amends,” Secundus said firmly.
“I’m not doing chores just because I scared a couple of Changelings,” Mal muttered. “Anyway, who died and made you a god?”
Secundus ignored that and said to Albert, “You’ll have to forgive him, he’s been stuck in a body all day, and it’s wreaking havoc with his manners. He’s usually better than that.”
Albert nodded. He asked Mal, “Would you like a dog treat?”
Mal bared his teeth and growled dangerously. He then spat out a phrase in an alien language. Albert’s eyes widened. Mal was then surrounded by a black and white aura and lifted in the air. He yelped, his paws and legs running furiously.
He turned back and saw Secundus’s horn glowing. His left eye had shifted to a deep red. Secundus’s voices clashed horribly as he snarled in icy tones, “In case you have forgotten, which is very unlikely, omnilingualism runs in the family!”
Mal managed to get out a “But-!”
“You are NEVER to speak to my friends or family like that again!!!” Secundus took a deep breath and calmed down. “Albert, do me a favor and cover your Papa’s eyes.”
Sensing Secundus’s emotional maelstrom, Albert nodded, slithered over behind Thorax, and put his hooves over Thorax’s eyes. Some horrible curiosity made him watch what happened next. Thorax couldn’t see what happened, but there was a yelp, followed by a loud crunch. Sensing pure horror radiating from Albert, Thorax pushed his hooves away and shouted, “What happened?” He noticed Mal was gone.
“H-h-he a-ate h-him…” Albert slowly stammered, looking green around the gills.
Secundus huffed. “No, I didn’t, I just reabsorbed him and got rid of the body I built him. Completely different.”
Albert looked terrified. “He unhinged his jaw, and he ate him!!”
Secundus sighed. “That’s our relationship. He does something absolutely horrible, I ‘kill’ him to get him to shut up and distract him. It doesn’t remotely hurt him, and he comes back two seconds later, perfectly fine. We’ve been doing that since I was five,” he muttered with an eye roll. “That’s actually pretty tame compared to some of the ways I’ve had to shut him up.” His eyes flashed gold, and he muttered, “Ow, ow, ow. It actually hurt that time!” “Good,” he growled back.
“Some creatures just have tea parties with their imaginary friends,” Thorax said.
“I’m not most creatures,” Secundus said.
“Just out of curiosity, what did he say to deserve that?”
Secundus winced and closed his eyes. “In Changeish, it approximately translates to-” he rattled off a phrase, vocally making the sounds of wings buzzing for accent marks since he didn’t have any wings. “It loses a lot of the venom in standard Equestrian,” he finished.
Thorax’s jaw had dropped. “I am washing your mouth out with bleach!”
“Tell me about it,” Secundus muttered. “I’m sure I don’t need to tell you to not say that in any language?” he asked Albert. Albert quickly shook his head. “Good.” Secundus’s head tilted to either side suddenly. He snapped his fingers. A twenty-minute hourglass appeared by his feet and a bar of soap appeared in his mouth. His eyes were a dull gold. He made a dour face, before he spat out the bar of soap and clutched at his throat. “BLEAUK!” He groaned and put the bar of soap back in his mouth, then he turned the timer over to start it. He grabbed his knitting and went back to work.
Thorax caught on. “Mal?” Mal nodded, glancing at his knitting. “Did Sec just make you put soap in your mouth?”
Mal nodded, glaring. “I ‘ulnteer’d,” he got out.
“You knit too?”
Mal took out the bar of soap and laid the timer on its side to pause it. “Yes. I’m a guy, and I knit. And I can kill you six different ways with my knitting alone, should I desire.”
“Which of you said that?” Secundus/Mal just grinned, before Mal went back to trying not to eat soap. When the hourglass starting chiming, he spat it out.
“There! Happy?!” Mal shouted. He then shrugged and ate the soap. “Perfectly,” Secundus replied.
“How am I going to tell you two apart?” Thorax groaned.
“As Simba and Mufasa once said, We Are One,” Secundus said with a grin. “At the end of the day, Mal’s just a part of me, that’s all.”
“And you’d say that to Albert?!” Thorax shouted.
Secundus winced. “If somecreature insulted me, my Id would say that to anyone, before it realized what it had done. Which is basically what happened. Albert did call him a dog.”
“He was dog shaped!” Albert shouted. “It was an honest mistake!”
Secundus chuckled. “Well, this family of all should know not to judge by appearance. Sorry about that. Both of me, I mean.”
“I’ll … let it slide. Provided you get your Id under control,” Thorax growled. Secundus laughed and nodded. “Why are you working on that afghan so quickly anyway?”
“Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies, but one of these mornings we’ll get a surprise.”
“Ohmigod, are you pregnant again?!!” Thorax asked frantically.
Secundus laughed. “No. It’s just for something that’s coming up. Well. That’s an interesting day for all of us. Shall I make dinner, or do you want to order love takeout?”
“There’s no such thing as love takeout,” Albert grumbled.
“Worth a shot,” Secundus said with a grin.
The Mane Six and Sombra stood on the streets of Ponyville, all glaring murderously. If looks could kill, there would have been a direct nuclear strike. The pony who they were glaring at didn’t pay them any mind, and he held up a bottle from the crate in front of him. “Yes, Siree!” Flim said, continuing his spiel, “Having heard of the astonishing number of maladies plaguing your fair town, the Flim-Flam brothers are proud to unveil our newest product: Genuine Snake Oil!” As he continued talking, a shadow behind him blotted out the sun. The crowd in front of him suddenly looked very afraid and backed up a few feet. Flim kept going. “Hoof milked from the Quetzals of the Amanezonian Rainforest, the miracle elixir is one-hundred-percent guaranteed to cure what ails-” Flim stopped suddenly, his mouth growing dry. Primitive instincts that were still hard-wired into ponies were screaming that he was about to be eaten. Feeling nervous, he turned around, and tried not to scream.
A wall of pink was behind him. It appeared to be some sort of knitted sweater. Flim’s eyes traveled up a long, noodley stomach and chest to view a long yellow neck sticking out the top. The head attached to the neck was a thing of nightmares. It was topped with large bat ears, and the fur on it was split between painfully bright yellow and sullen blue. The creature was smiling brightly at him, and it was terrifying to see. The teeth on the right side of its mouth were normal enough, but the teeth on the left side were like razors. And sweet Celestia, those eyes! They were inky black and allowed you to gaze into the abyss at the end of all things. A touch of madness glittered in electric blue irises. Flim knew that this being was staring directly into his soul and highlighting the bits it didn’t like.
“Howdy!” the thing boomed in a distorted voice straight out of a horror movie. There was a loud “Thud.” Flim turned back and saw that Flam had fainted dead away. Whatever this creature was didn’t seem to have noticed as it cheerfully asked, “What’s going on here?”
It suddenly clicked for Flim that this was the second resident Draconequus of Equestria. He’d heard that there was another but hadn’t ever actually seen him. Flim didn’t think it was possible to look scarier than Discord, but this Draconequus managed it. He swallowed nervously. “My brother and I are offering our services to the wonderful residents of Ponyville.”
“Really?” the Draconequus asked with interest. “Your brother’s fainted, by the way. I might have some smelling salts somewhere, if it would help.”
Flim walked over and hauled Flam to his hooves. “Flam!” he hissed.
“Oh! Are you two the Flim-Flam brothers?”
Flim suddenly felt very, very nervous, an emotion he wasn’t used to. “Y-yes,” he stammered out. “You’ve heard of us?”
The Draconequus nodded. “Your reputation precedes you, gentlestallions,” he said with a friendly grin. “Might I enquire as to the nature of your product? I’ve heard that you sell amazing, once in a lifetime offers.”
Flam levitated over a bottle of Snake Oil. “This is genuine Snake Oil!” he said proudly. “A miracle cure-all, one that will fix any ailment of body or mind!” The Draconequus let out an impressed whistle. Flam levitated over a large card. “I have here a signed testimonial as to the quality of our product by Princess Celestia herself!”
The Draconequus took the card in his paws, held it up to his eyes, and squinted. After a few minutes, he proclaimed, “Yes, that almost certainly resembles the Princess’s signature.” His muzzle scrunched up. “WHA-CHOO!!!” he sneezed loudly. Black and white flames shot out of his mouth, reducing the card to free-floating ash. “Sorry,” he said, dabbing at his nose with a black and white polka-dot hoofkercheif, “I have horrible allergies. My husband thinks that just because I’m immortal, I don’t have the right to complain about my health.” He thought about it. “Actually, I might be coming down with something, there’s a horrible case of blue flu running through where I live.” The assembled townsponies drew even further away at that statement. “I could honestly do with a bit of a cure-all at the moment. To be honest, I’m feeling pretty run down. I’m tired all the time, and I think my horn is a bit stuffed up. Mind you, it takes a lot of a potion to have any effect on me…” he muttered. He thought about it. “I don’t suppose I could buy up your entire stock, could I?”
Flim and Flam’s jaws dropped open. “Y-you want to buy it all?!”
The Draconequus nodded. “Sure! Like I said, I’m going to need a lot of it, and everyling where I live could use some too. That’s going to take a lot of tonic. Money’s no object,” he said casually. He snapped his fingers and a chest filled with gold coins appeared on the ground in front of him. “Should this cover it? I’m not quite sure,” he said hesitantly.
Flim and Flam stared hungrily at the coins. That was three times what they’d been hoping to make off these crates, and this idiot Draconequus acted like it was pocket change. This had to be too good to be true. Flim trotted over and bit into a coin. To his surprise, it was the genuine article. “YES!” Flim shouted. He composed himself. “I mean, that should certainly cover it. Thank you for your patronage.”
“No problem!” the Draconequus said with a smile. Flim shook his paw. He noticed that the Draconequus shook with his left paw, which was a grizzly bear’s paw, tipped with razor-sharp claws perfect for rending a pony’s hide from their bones. The Draconequus then quickly unloaded the remaining two crates off of the cart and helped to tie down the chest he’d summoned.
“Thank you very much my good sir!” Flam said. The brothers quickly got out of town before the Draconequus realized what was going on, not even bothering to have a farewell song.
Secundus sagged, his act dropping. “I wish those two would stick to fleecing ponies the legitimate way by scamming them at their casino. Bleagh. Lying that much is exhausting. I don’t know how people do it!” He picked up a bottle, uncorked it, and sniffed it. “This is just colored water,” he said distastefully. “It’s not even colored water with bits in! I mean, placebos are all well and good, but you’re not supposed to use them like this!”
“Couldn’t you have, I don’t know, arrested them or something?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“I wish,” Secundus said. “I’m King of the Changelings, I have very little influence in the world of ponies. I wouldn’t lock up Changelings for something like that without proof either.”
Sombra growled, “I should have taken those two right down to the dungeons and-”
“Dear, you don’t have dungeons anymore,” Twilight gently reminded him.
“Oh. Right.” Sombra cleared his throat, looking uncomfortable. “Sometimes I forget that.” Secundus chuckled.
“I do appreciate you getting those scoundrels off our backs,” Rarity said, “but I do wish you hadn’t given them money.”
Secundus grinned. “Who says I gave them money?”
“The chest of gold you gave them would be a pretty good indication,” Sombra pointed out.
“Did I give them gold? I don’t recall. I’m pretty sure I gave them a chest, but not gold.” Seeing the way that they were looking at him, he smirked and said, “I was raised on Scottish and Irish fairy stories. You really think I don’t know how to trick a couple of greedy conponies? Our esteemed Princess of Friendship isn’t the only one who can do illusion and glamour magic, you know.”
“Then what did ya give ‘em?” Applejack asked.
Secundus’s grin widened. “Let’s just say that by the time they get back to the arid clime of Las Pegasus, they’ll be ready to go into the premium hot chocolate business. Mind you, they’ll have a lot of wrappers to fish out first.”
Rainbow Dash snickered. She then cackled, “You gave them chocolate coins?!” Secundus nodded.
“Huh. Fer not bein’ able to lie very well, ya sure can be tricky when ya want,” Applejack said with a grudging admiration.
“Thanks! Anyway, it’s not that I can’t lie, it’s just that I’m really, really bad at it, and too much of it wears me out. I had to learn how to lie just to survive. It’s kind of cynical, but you have to be able to lie at least a little just to have relationships. Mind you, they’re not going to fall for that a second time.”
“What’ll ya do if they make trouble for ya?” Applejack asked.
“I’ll show that they were ripping off ponies first.” Secundus snapped his fingers, and the bottle of “Snake Oil” he was holding disappeared to parts unknown. “Evidence, witnesses,” he said, pointing at his friends. “I even have a head of the Equestrian government to rely on. Besides, I don’t think they will make trouble. Not messing with Spirits is kind of wired into the subconscious of most sentient species.”
“Why were they so scared of you?” asked Pinkie Pie.
Secundus grinned. “You’re all used to me. If you haven’t met me before, I look pretty scary from a pony point of view. I know how to work that to my advantage if I want to.”
Sombra chuckled. “How devious,” he said with a grin.
“Coming from you, that’s high praise,” Secundus said. Sombra blushed. Secundus cackled under his breath. “Mind you, with a description like that…”
“What description?” Twilight asked.
“Just something I read in a story I’m in the middle of,” Secundus said casually.
“Well, thank you for … handling … that,” Twilight said uncertainly. “What are you doing in town, anyway?”
“My son goes to school here, remember? Well, the next town over, but he cuts through here at least. I just wanted to see if they’d take him for the winter semester, but it is not to be.”
“Don’t you mean for the next year?” Twilight asked.
“Whoops. I’m used to a college schedule. Man, how’d I ever live through a whole year of school? Either way, they wouldn’t take him.”
“Why not?” Twilight asked, concerned.
“Oh, it’s nothing bad. Let’s see, how to put it… At the start of the summer, Albert had a basic understanding of Arithmetic, and was impossibly far behind anypony else in his grade. Last week, he started to teach me calculus and trigonometry. At the same time. To put it mildly, his teachers can’t keep up with him, so they’d rather let me deal with him. You can’t exactly call someone an insufferable know-it-all when they really do know it all. Thankfully, he’s not omniscient or anything, but in time he might be.”
Secundus turned to Fluttershy. “So! How are you all doing? I’m kind of excited to see another baby Draconequus or two turn up here!”
“Uh, she’s been kind of-” Rainbow started to say.
“She’s been a super-duper cranky McMeanpants!” Pinkie interrupted.
“I HAVE NOT!!!” Fluttershy roared, completely out of character. She then clapped her hooves over her mouth. “Oh, my goodness! Please excuse me, I don’t know where that came from!” She sat down and started to cry. “I can’t take another six months of this!” she whimpered.
Secundus passed her a hoofkercheif. “Blow.” Fluttershy blew her nose adorably. Secundus stared at her thoughtfully. “Hmm … how far along are you?”
“Well, she looks like a boat, so preeettyyy far, I’d say!” Pinkie said cheerfully.
Fluttershy blew fire out of her nostrils, glaring at Pinkie. Pinkie slinked away. Turning back to Secundus, Fluttershy said, “Not far enough…”
“Well, … as Pinkie … pointed out … you look a lot further along then you should be, even if it might be twins. When was the last time you had a checkup?”
“Last month, why?”
“Draconequui develop instantly when they’re ‘born,’” Secundus used finger quotes, “naturally. Seriously, they go from an infant to an adult in about a day. Albert’s just a lot slower because he’s half mortal, and Changelings age slowly. Even he went from an egg to a hatchling in about eighteen hours. Mind you, both his parents are males, so biologically, he took a bit of fudging, but you do look like you’re due any day now. The fact that your baby was conceived a little more naturally probably means a not instantaneous gestation period, but I don’t think you’ll have too much longer to go.”
Fluttershy flew into the air, turned a cartwheel, and gave an earsplitting cheer of joy. “Whoops. Sorry everypony.”
Everyone chuckled. “Is it really that bad?” Twilight asked.
Fluttershy’s eyes grew wide. “Oh, no, it’s wonderful!! I really can’t describe it! It’s the most amazing feeling ever! There are just parts of it I could really do without,” she said with a smile.
“Glad you’re back to normal,” Secundus said with a smile.
“What was it like when you had Albert?” Pinkie asked Secundus.
“Having an egg grow in you overnight does not count as being pregnant,” Secundus said with a grin. “I have absolutely no right whatsoever to complain about it. Mind you, it was a … good feeling. New life wriggling around in you. If that doesn’t sound too creepy,” he said with a cough. “Of course, I have no idea where Albert actually formed, since I don’t have … aaannnddd that’s way too much information,” he finished, ears drooping in embarrassment. He pulled a paper bag out of thin air and started munching on something black and gummi found within, as a way to shut himself up.
“Oooh! Is that candy?” Pinkie asked excitedly.
Secundus blinked. “Um, yes actually. It’s from another planet, but … it should be safe enough for you to eat. Would you like one?” He proffered the bag.
“Sure!” Pinkie popped one into her mouth and chewed twice. An expression of pure disgust overtook her face, and she spat it out, wiping her tongue to get the taste off. “Pah-too! Bleaugh! It’s like black licorice, seaweed, and nightmares had a baby,” she whined. “I never thought I’d find a candy I didn’t like!”
“There’s no accounting for taste,” Secundus muttered.
Fluttershy had snuck two out of the bag and was chewing thoughtfully. “Um. Could I have the rest of those?” she asked quietly.
“Pardon?” Secundus asked, certain he’d heard wrong. Fluttershy gave him a sweet, gentle look filled with all the innocence and longing of the world. Secundus screwed his eyes shut. “AAUGH! Take it!! Take it!!” he held out the bag, which Fluttershy quickly swiped, now chewing happily. When he was certain it was safe to look, he opened his eyes and growled, “I HATE it when ponies do that!!” Fluttershy shrugged, not wanting to be rude by talking with her mouth full.
Secundus turned to Rarity. “Tell Sweetie Belle thank you again for the sweater, it’s perfect,” he beamed.
“Of course, darling! She was happy to try something new. It is hard to get used to working with your measurements, though.”
“This is my body, and I’m sticking with it,” Secundus said, flicking his forked tongue out immaturely. “Is it true Albert did the stitching for the wording after school one day?”
Rarity beamed. “Why yes! He did a simply smashing job for a novice, didn’t he?”
Secundus chuckled. “That he did.” I slightly sloppy stitching, the words “King Dad Guy” adorned his chest in yellow yarn. “I mean, technically for the reference to be right it should be ‘Mr. Dad Guy,’ but I’m no Asgore, and Albert’s on a learning curve.” He glanced at the crates of phony tonic in front of him. “What to do with these?” A bolt of fire roared down from the sky and reduced them to their constituent particles. “That’s probably sacrilegious on some level, but I don’t really care.” Secundus turned to the townsponies across from him. “Right, nothing to see here folks! Back to your business!” The townsponies all muttered various things before going back to their days. Secundus growled. “I don’t get it! It’s not like the ponies in this town are stupid! Most of them are slightly crazy, and they can be very xenophobic at times,” he snarled, having been on the receiving end of that, “but nopony could say they’re stupid. Are they ever going to learn not to be taken in by those two?!”
Twilight chuckled. “That would be nice, but probably not. At least the Flim-Flam brothers won’t come back for a while, I think they work on some sort of circuit.”
Secundus sighed, annoyed that he couldn’t reminisce further. “Well, Albert should be slithering home about now, so if y’all will excuse me, I’d better make like a shrub and leaf.” Secundus quickly vanished with a dark flash.
“Uh, isn’t it make like a tree and leaf?” asked Applejack.
Albert was busy slithering home at a leisurely pace, flanked by the CMC. Summer school would be over at the end of the week, and he was looking forward to a break. He was busy chatting with his friends, glad that he had made some.
“Woah!” Scootaloo said, “So you’re saying that Changelings and Draconequui never get Cutie Marks?”
Albert chuckled. “Nope. We’ve always said we don’t really need them. In the Bad Old Days, a Changeling was assigned his or her role by the Queen soon after birth. You didn’t question it. Ever. You just developed talents for the role you were assigned, not one defining talent. Draconequui don’t get them either, you become the Spirit of a specific concept, and if you’re like me and Dad, you take on a new name. To me, that sounds cooler than the fur on your butt changing colors,” he said with a grin.
“Hey! Ah worked hard fer this!!” Apple Bloom complained.
“I know, I know!” Albert chuckled, holding his hooves up in a “peace” gesture. “It’s just fun to tease you three about. I’m really happy for you guys, I heard you had a horrible time earning them. It just seems strange if you didn’t grow up in pony culture, that’s all. Actually, I’ve been meaning to ask-” his voice trailed off. Albert stared at a large holly shrub growing on the side of the road and his eyes narrowed. He slithered over to it and curled his tail up like a spring. He then unwound his tail and it went whipping through the air and smacked loudly against the holly shrub, Albert’s version of giving it a hard kick. “Stop stalking me!” he hissed.
“Sorry,” the shrub replied, “How did you know it was me?”
Albert grinned. “Next time pick a shrub that’s native to this area. What do you want?” he groaned.
“Just thought I’d offer to walk you home. Since you’re obviously far too cool to be seen in public with me, I guess I’ll just hobble home then. You’ve got a heck of a kick on you.”
“Thanks,” Albert grinned. “Get thee hence, all right?”
“Fine,” the shrub grumbled.
“Aren’t you hot in that sweater this time of year?” Albert asked.
The shrub moved some branches in an approximation of a shrug. “Not really. Besides, it was a gift! See you soon!” The shrub vanished with a faint “pop.”
“Uh, were you talking to a bush?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“It was a shrub, not a bush. Actually, it was my dad trying to be discreet,” Albert said, rolling his eyes. “I guess he thought I’d handle talking to a shrub better than being embarrassed by my dad.”
“Ooookaaayyy then,” Sweetie Belle said.
“Hey! Are you coming to the Summer Wrap Up Festival and Hoedown?” Scootaloo asked excitedly.
Albert gave a nervous chuckle. “I … uh … don’t handle crowds of strangers well. The only reason I can deal with all the Changelings in the Hive is everyling knows everyling else. Dad went once, and he said he had to lie down for two days afterwards. I think Papa would enjoy it, but he’s pretty busy.” Albert gave a huge smile. “Actually, we’re celebrating in a really cool way!! Dad took Papa to another planet for their anniversary, and they’re both taking me there to celebrate the fact that I wrecked the grade curve,” he said with a smug grin. “They went to some city called Zootopia. Dad’s really excited to show it to me, since it’s the closest parallel to where he grew up, it’s just without humans. He thinks I’d like a world of talking animals, and he’s right! Plus, he says he wants to see what I look like as a liger, whatever that means.” Albert’s excited grin shouldn’t have been physically possible to get bigger, but it somehow did. “I’ve always wanted to go to another planet!!! Dad always wanted to take me, and now he has an excuse to. I did run away that one time,” Albert said thoughtfully. He frowned. “I’m not sure how I did that, and I don’t want to try again.”
Apple Bloom was laughing. “Some of us just get an apple pie if we do well in school,” she said with a raised eyebrow.
“I can’t help it if I have cool parents,” Albert said.
Apple Bloom’s eyes narrowed. “Are you saying your parents are cooler than mine?!”
Albert chuckled. “Absolutely not. They’re just cool for me. Actually, I think stories like your parents’ story are this beautiful, interconnected thing that almost no one can see. It’s like everything that ever came before us, no matter how small or unnoticeable is this amazing, flowing tapestry that shapes and moves us from the past, through the present, to the future. It’s like there’s a whole world connected by strings that no one can see, but if they could, it’d be amazing!”
Apple Bloom’s mouth had fallen open. “Uh … are ya takin’ philosophy in summer school, or are ya smokin’ Poison Joke?”
Albert chuckled. “Not really. I just like to think about things like that.” He grinned again. “Heh. My life would make a very funny story. I haven’t been alive long, but I’ve done a lot. If you took just the highlights from the last two months alone, it’d go on for pages and pages. Probably over fifty…” he thought aloud. He waved goodbye to his friends. “See you tomorrow?”
“Sure thing!” the CMC all called.
In an alley a few streets over from the portal Albert always took between the Hive and Ponyville stood Secundus. In front of him was a small brick wall. It was only three feet high, and four feet wide. It stood in the middle of the alleyway and was too small to be of any use as a border guard. Secundus was gripping it with his paws to the point it creaked, sweating profusely, straining against it with all his might, and gripping it with a couple of limbs that mortals wouldn’t have been able to see. In a strained voice, he managed to snarl out, “Absolutely. NOT!!!” The Fourth Wall admitted defeat, and it dissolved to return whence it came. Secundus flopped down onto the street, completely drained. Breaking the laws of narrative causality really took it out of you when you were in a story. He snickered. “Besides, he’ll find out about that soon enough anyway.”
Secundus was “on duty,” holding court in the Hive. Some of the Changelings had jokingly suggested that he do it and had said he would need a throne to go with it. He’d shrugged and summoned … a rocking chair. It wasn’t even an ornate rocking chair, it was beat up when it was brand new. Secundus had never thought he’d have to deal with a case like this though.
An earth pony stallion was standing in front of him, having travelled to speak specifically with him. “I don’t understand why you want to speak to me,” Secundus said, “Wouldn’t it be better to speak with a representative of your government, instead of one of the Changeling kings?”
“No. It’s something only a Draconequus would understand, and you’re one of two on the entire planet. Besides, Discord scares me.”
“All righty then. How can I help you, Mr.-?” Secundus blinked. “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name.”
“THEY NEVER GAVE ME ONE! All I’m called is ‘Background Pony #18!!!’” The stallion went from calm to hysterical in six seconds flat, and only got more worked up as his rant continued. “What kind of name is Background Pony #18?! I’ve been around since the opening title sequence of episode one, and I still don’t have a name!!! All of the other background ponies have gotten names, some of them are even fan favorites! I’ve worked hard to be seen! I’ve done odd jobs all over Equestria so that I could be where I’m required during a certain scene. I once worked for a month as an assistant florist so that I could be in the scene for all of twelve seconds while Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash passed by. Do you know how hard it is to get work like that?!” Background Pony #18 slumped down despondently. “I’m not asking to be a main character or anything, I’m fine with my life, I just think it isn’t too much to ask for a name of my own.”
Secundus swallowed nervously. He cleared his throat. “I … uh … don’t know how to break this to you, but this isn’t the show.”
Background Pony #18 looked up in shock. “IT ISN’T?!”
“Nope. This is just a fanfic.”
Background Pony #18 looked at him skeptically. “Really?” he asked after a while.
Secundus smiled. “’Fraid so.”
“B-but I have memories of-”
Secundus shrugged. “I’m not sure how it works out that way, but it does.” He quickly said, “Don’t worry though, I know the Author extremely well, and I’m sure he’d be happy to help!” After an awkward pause, he growled, “Well?”
{Hmm … you look like a ‘Garry’ to me. At least when I picture you. Would that work?}
The newly-christened Garry jumped up into the air, fireworks and confetti exploding behind him. Secundus still had no clue how ponies did that. “I HAVE A NAME!!!” he shouted rapturously. He quickly galloped back to the portal home to tell his friends and family.
“Wait! You need a last name to … go … with … that…” Secundus managed. “Nice going!” he growled.
{How was I supposed to know he’d go running off like that? You really think I preplan and dictate every aspect of your existence? I just write this. I have next to no actual control.}
Secundus chuckled. “Good point.” He smirked. “So … if you created this AU, does that technically make you its God?”
Celestia paddled overhead in a banana-yellow inflatable raft, singing a heartrending operatic rendition of “and bingo was his name-o” andante, before rafting through the wall and disappearing. “Uh … was that a ‘yes?’” Secundus asked.
{Maybe…}
“Was that the real Celestia, or just a hallucination to prove a point?”
{You’ll never know!} the Author replied smugly.
Secundus facepawed. “I’ve gone mad with power,” he muttered.
{Well, part of us has, anyway,} the Author said. {Hmm… Is the capital ‘A’ too pretentious?}
“Just a bit yes but go ahead and keep it. ‘Til we meet again. See you in your dreams!”
{And at three a.m. to dictate any changes you feel are necessary.} the Author grumbled before getting back to work. Secundus laughed before he was pulled back into the story.
Secundus looked around the empty Hive and sighed. Usually, the Hive wasn’t this empty, but everyling was busy with other tasks, and he went stir-crazy if he just sat still by himself too long. He pulled out his pocket watch and glanced at it. I could be back in five minutes. I mean, worlds have ended in five minutes, but I really need to do something besides be redundant! Just a quick “walk around the block.” He nodded and stepped Outside.
A few seconds later, Secundus was in the universe, admiring a stellar nursery that was forming, hanging around in relatively human form. He was very shocked when he heard hoofbeats behind him. He turned to look, and nearly wet himself. Behind him was a milk-white stallion that was taller than he was. It wasn’t the kind of horse you’d see in Equestria, it was a mighty steed. Sitting astride this magnificent creature was a seven-foot-tall human skeleton clothed in robes woven from absolute darkness, a scythe folded neatly behind him, lifetimers strung along his sides. When his blue eyelights landed on Secundus, his permanent grin widened. The effect was truly impressive and would have been a lot more terrifying if it weren’t for the fact that Secundus knew the White Steed’s name was Binky, and he was a sucker for sugar cubes.
Secundus licked his suddenly dry lips. “Um … from what I understand, you can’t actually be here for me, right? I still have a lot I want to see and do… I mean, if it’s up to me that is.”
Azrael asked me to confer with your encore about certain matters, that is all, Death replied cordially. I am simply on business and happened to be passing.
“None of us are ever ‘just passing,’” a voice replied. Secundus turned and saw a young woman with bone white skin, and long raven black hair, dressed a bit like a goth, with a silver ankh on a cord around her neck. She was smirking at Death across from where Secundus was standing. She was very beautiful and was probably one of the friendliest beings you could meet, and one of the most terrifying. “Hello, Death,” Death said cheerfully.
GREETINGS, Death replied politely.
“How is your granddaughter?” Death inquired.
Death shrugged. She and time are getting along extremely well, so I suppose that is a good thing.
“I … um … hate to interrupt, but what are you two doing here?” asked Secundus. “Neither of you actually belong in this universe.”
Both versions of death grinned. We are having a conference, Death replied. All the differing versions of us for several nearby universes.
“I’m sure you’ll be getting a note about it from Encore soon,” Death said in friendly tones. “You’ll probably be needed as well.” She glanced at her counterpart. “Well! Shall we?”
Death nodded, and with a hyah! urged Binky forward, disappearing after a few feet. Death gave a shrug and followed, seeming to dance before she disappeared, with a sound like a single flap of very large wings.
Secundus sat down in space, breathing heavily. He knew he couldn’t ever die, the same way he knew that water was made of oxygen and hydrogen on most planets, but he still felt like he’d been lucky. He then gave a slightly demented chuckle, an insanely happy smile lighting up his face. “I just met two of my favorite characters in literature!” he snickered. “Being a fictional character rocks sometimes! Wait ‘till I tell Thor- oh.” He cleared his throat. “Well, maybe I can still find a way. Hmm … a meeting of various personifications of Death. That’s … worrisome. I’ll have to be sure and write to Encore to ask what’s going on.” He stood up and dusted himself off. “Right, back to work you crazy Spirit!” With that, he was gone as well.
Secundus was busy sitting in an empty room in the Hive, idly reading a couple of books. For once in his life, he was caught up on the necessary paperwork, and he didn’t want to bother anyling. Sometimes, he and Albert got together in the dead of night, sitting and studying in comfortable silence, just passing the wee small hours, but tonight Albert was at a friend’s house, something Secundus considered an important step in his development. If he concentrated, he could most of the Hive lightly snoring, the light hoof falls of the night guards, and … a crash, a yelp, and somepony running? Secundus sighed. Oh, boy.
A few minutes later, two of the guards came into the room somepony wedged between them. “We found this one lurking, Sire,” said one with a nasty grin. “Shall we give him the usual punishment?”
“Guys!” Secundus peered at the large stallion. “Oh! Guys, he’s a close friend, let him pass. You don’t have to pounce on everyone who walks into the Hive. And don’t call me ‘Sire.’”
“But pouncing’s fun!” one of the guards complained.
“Yes, but try not to scare ponies off. Not everypony who walks in here is a threat to national security.” Secundus waved them off. “Good work catching an intruder, now get back to work.” The guards walked off, muttering under their breath. “Hello, Sombra! What brings you to my not-so-humble abode?”
Sombra didn’t answer, instead he asked, “What’s the usual punishment for intruders in the dead of night?”
Secundus grinned. “It varies, depending on the nature of the crime. Usually, it’s a really, really bad poetry recital. I’ve made ponies weep with horror at what I’ve done to the standard Equestrian language. Prose, I can do, poetry … not so much.” Sombra chuckled. “So! What can I do for you?” Secundus noticed that Sombra was shaking slightly, sweating profusely, and had his teeth clamped. He’d also avoided using magic at all, which was second nature to a talented unicorn like him. “Oh.” Secundus said. “Uh, … cravings?” Sombra nodded, keeping his teeth clamped. Secundus got very nervous. “Uh … you haven’t actually-” Sombra furiously shook his head. Secundus breathed a sigh of relief. “Does Twilight know? Scratch that, does Twilight know you’re here?”
Sombra finally started talking. “No,” he admitted. “It just started out of the blue about three hours ago, and I didn’t want to wake her. I can’t go through this again!” he shouted. “Not the withdrawal, that’s … survivable, but what’s going to happen to everypony if I-”
Secundus commanded, “Relax,” in a funny voice. Sombra instantly relaxed, feeling slightly better. “Breathe in and breathe out.” Sombra managed to stop his panic attack. “Now. You’ve only had this one craving in years. That’s hellishly impressive, that shows amazing willpower. And rather than instantly delve back into Dark Magic, you came to see me instead. Why did you come to see me, anyway?”
“You can usually be relied on to be awake, and you’re the one who cured me last time.”
“Hmph. Doesn’t mean I run a clinic. Let me ask you this: Could you do just one spell without … uh …”
“Becoming totally corrupted by an addicting, forbidden influence, turning back into the monster I used to be, doing unknowable harm to those I love, and trying to conquer Equestria for the Tartarus of it, most likely winding up back on ice?”
“Yeah. That.” Secundus said lamely.
“I don’t think I should try and find out, wouldn’t you say?” Sombra asked with an icy smile.
“Probably not. Well, I know that cravings will go away eventually, once your brain realizes it doesn’t actually need that right this second. I’d be happy to spend the night with you, I’m honestly kind of bored. What would you like to do?”
“I hadn’t thought that far ahead, I just knew that I should not be alone right now.”
“Hmm, well, next time I think you should let Twilight know you’re struggling. She’s entitled to know.”
“Probably,” Sombra admitted with a grin, “but you aren’t officially licensed to kick my flank in this specific circumstance.”
“True. Say, do you like Disneigh movies?”
Sombra winced, then shuddered, then actually thought about it. “Actually, some of them are almost tolerable, I suppose.”
Secundus grinned. “Great! I can show you my world’s version! I’ll even make popcorn!”
“Goody,” Sombra muttered.
“Oh, I can think of one or two parts you might enjoy,” Secundus said with a wicked grin.
“If you say so.”
The next morning, Thorax blearily searched the Hive for his husband, and found him in the entertainment room. He was sitting on a couch, a few books floating in front of him, the pages turning themselves as he read. That wasn’t so unusual, but there was something Thorax hadn’t been expecting. Sombra was curled up on the couch next to Secundus, his front legs wrapped tightly around Secundus’s middle, snoring like a jackhammer. It was almost cute.
“Is there a reason a reformed villain is affectionately cuddling with you in his sleep?” Thorax asked.
Secundus shrugged, being careful not to move too much. “I’m very fluffy?” he guessed.
“Let it go,” Sombra muttered, one of his legs twitching before he went back to snoring.
Secundus snickered at that. “You don’t have to be jealous, he doesn’t even know he’s doing it, if he did, he’d be mortified. He came over late last night … for … personal reasons, and I insisted he spend the night. He’s fine now. I’m going to send him on his way when he wakes up. We spent the night watching movies, and he actually enjoyed some of them.”
Sombra suddenly bellowed, “BEEEEE PREEEEPAAAAARREEEED!!!!” in his sleep, not even waking up, before going back to snoring.
“He, um, really likes Scar,” Secundus said with a grin, “I can’t imagine why.”
Thorax sniggered, having gotten the reference. “Yeah, complete coincidence. Can I get you anything?”
“Nah, I’m good. How to wake him up without getting bitten…?”
Secundus grinned and snapped his fingers. A plate of hot waffles appeared on a table in front of the couch, drizzling syrup and complete with cutlery. Sombra sniffed twice, before he inhaled deeply and licked his lips. His eyes snapped open and he sat bolt upright. “MINE!” he snarled.
“Good morning to you too!” Secundus said with an eye roll. “All yours, you can dig in without cursing somepony, honest.”
Sombra practically flew off the couch and started messily inhaling the waffles.
Thorax’s jaw had dropped. “Is he like this every morning?”
“How am I supposed to know?!” Secundus snapped. “I just know that you don’t get between Sombra and a plate of fresh waffles. That, and Twilight won’t let him have them very often for that specific reason.”
“Isn’t there some sort of cruel and unusual punishments clause in the Equestrian constitution?” Sombra said around a mouthful of waffles.
“You’ve been on the receiving end of what Celestia does to her enemies, so I’d have to guess no, there most definitely isn’t. Anyway, that would cover government interference, not marefriend interference. Slow down before you choke!”
Sombra swallowed. “Sorry,” he said, looking ashamed. “You don’t have to treat me like a foal.”
“I didn’t personally spring you from your dismemberment, but I am the reason you’re here, so I think I can scold you once in a while.”
Sombra’s table manners drastically improved. “I had this strange dream that I was cuddling something fluffy.”
Thorax gave a hissing laugh and Secundus said, “That was me.”
“Really?” Sombra had finished his breakfast and he trotted over and poked Secundus with a hoof. “Hmm, that seems accurate. How fluffy are you?”
Secundus conjured a computer with a black screen and green text, a metal arm, and what looked like a strange glass vase in the front. He plucked out a piece of his mane and dropped it into the vase, where it disappeared in a spark of electricity. The computer rumbled before saying, “Secundus: 60% magic, 50% fluff, 43% insanity, 29% eldritchness,” Sombra had a pad of paper and a pencil and was scribbling furiously as the computer continued, “30% kindness, 6% cool.”
Sombra glanced up from his calculations. “That’s two hundred and eighteen percent! How can you be two hundred and eighteen percent of a person?!”
Secundus shrugged. “It’s called ‘personality’ darling,” he drawled. “I’m kind of disappointed I’m only six percent cool.” He grinned and disappeared in a flash of light.
Sombra felt a snip in his mane and glanced up to see Secundus holding a pair of shears and part of his mane, running for the analyzer. “Don’t you dare!” Sombra shouted.
Too late. Secundus dropped the piece of mane in. The computer rumbled again. “Sombra: 40% arrogance, 34% intelligence, 10% emotional baggage, 10% secret kindness, 6% evil.”
Sombra had his hooves covering his face and he was crying slightly. “I’m down to six percent!” he sobbed. “I’ll never live it down! I’m ruined as a villain, ruined!” He uncovered his hooves and saw the way that Secundus and Thorax were glaring at him. “I mean … yay. I’m almost cured of my heinous ways. Joy. Rapture.”
“Do you want to go back to being a villain?!” Secundus asked. “I mean, really? After everything you’ve accomplished both before and after you fell?”
Sombra sighed. “No. Not really. I just … still consider myself one for some reason. It’s probably guilt at what I did. I mean, I don’t remember most of it, but … I’ve read the history books. Anyway, villains do have more fun.”
“Right up until the heroes introduce you to a whole new world of pain, as I recall,” Secundus said in a no-nonsense tone of voice. “I’m not having you relapse on my watch.”
Sombra chuckled. “Thanks.” He thought about something. “Did … we play chess last night?” Secundus nodded. “When did you get to be so good at chess?” Sombra asked suspiciously. “You actually managed to beat me! And were your eyes … yellow? I distinctly remember that.”
“It was four in the morning and you were tired, I’m sure it was your imagination playing tricks on you. To answer your first question, I didn’t really have anyone to play against growing up, so I’d play against myself. Part of me got to be really, really good. Not all of me, just part.”
“Were you … flirting with me?” Sombra asked.
Secundus facepawed. “I’ll kill him,” he muttered.
“What?” Sombra asked in confusion.
“Nothing to concern yourself with, I … wasn’t quite myself at that point. I’m sorry if I creeped you out, neither of me actually meant it.”
“It was strange, but … you were honestly pretty good,” Sombra said with a grin. “I’d better get back before Twilight asks for my hide. Thank you for a good, strange evening.”
“See you later!” Secundus called ask Sombra trotted off the head back to Ponyville. He turned and saw Thorax’s malicious grin. “What?!”
“So does Mal flirt with everycreature?” Thorax asked teasingly.
“Oh, shut up,” Secundus mumbled.
“Which word of ‘Absolutely not’ is confusing you?” Secundus growled.
“But think of the benefits!” Twilight said as she trotted after him.
“‘Benefits?’ What benefits?”
“OK then, think of the knowledge to be gained!”
Secundus stopped and turned around. “Twilight, there is no way I am giving a lecture on Duality Magic to a class at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns!”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t know how it works!” Secundus snapped. “I just do it! You’re the one who figured I should use it in the first place, you’d have better luck analyzing it! It’s completely contradictory to cast and use. Even other Draconequui have trouble with it, although that’s probably because our magic is specialized to each of us.” He sighed. “Look, it’d be like explaining unicycling to octopi. You could maybe do it, it just wouldn’t work well.”
“Could you at least think about it?”
“Well, I can’t say the phrase ‘Not in a million years,’ since I’ll be here in a million years. Ask me then, and I’ll see if I’ve changed my mind.”
“Secundus!” Twilight groaned.
Secundus sighed and snapped his fingers. Sombra appeared, a towel draped over him, his mane wet, his eyes closed, singing into a comb. “AAAAANNNNDDD IIIIII-EEEE-IIIIIIIIII WWWIIILLLL ALLLLWWAAAAYSS LLLOOOOOVVEE YOOOOUU-OOOO-OOOO!”
“Thanks, you have no idea how much that means to me,” Secundus said with a grin.
Sombra yelped and turned around, glaring murderously. “Can you ask before you do that?! I’m not decent!”
“Your fur’s wet and you’re wearing a towel. How that that indecent? The only times I haven’t seen you naked as a jaybird was when we first met and you were wearing your cape and armor, and every year at the Grand Galloping Gala. Even then, nopony wears pants. I’m a former human, and humans wear clothes all the time! I’m the one who should be embarrassed!”
“Yes, but you’ve gone native!” Sombra growled, drying off his mane with the towel. Secundus shrugged. “What do you want?!”
“Has Twilight told her about her aspirations for my teaching career?”
“Yes.”
“What did you think?”
“In much more polite terms, I told her she should have her head examined,” Sombra replied. Twilight glared at him. “It’s not a very sound idea, given the fact that your magic is technically impossible, plus your temperament.”
“It’s ONE lecture!!!” Twilight shouted. “I’m not offering him a tenure!”
“No,” Secundus said stubbornly.
Twilight sighed. “Oh, come on, how hard can your magic be to do? I remember when you discovered it! Mind you, I haven’t tried to do it myself.”
Secundus’s eyes flashed gold. “Fine,” he said in a calm tone, “You want magic? You’ll get magic.”
Secundus snapped his fingers and the world went white for a second. Twilight, Sombra, and Thorax found themselves sitting in seats in front of a ramshackle stage with moth-eaten red curtains. A record hissed before corny carnival music played and Secundus stepped out from behind the curtain. He was wearing his Two-face style top hat, as well as a black cap with a large turned up collar and red lining. “Thank you all for coming here today!” He handed Twilight some strange-looking devices. “These are the standard instruments for analyzing magic, I believe?” Twilight nodded. Secundus continued. “You will observe nothing up my sleeve, since I’m not wearing sleeves.” A large black upright box wheeled itself on stage. “For my first trick, I will need a volunteer from the audience. You sir!” he said, pointing at Thorax, “You will do perfectly.” Thorax nervously trotted on stage. When Secundus felt like this, trouble was brewing. “Let’s give our volunteer a big round of applause, shall we?” Sombra and Twilight applauded weakly, unsure what was going on. Twilight made sure to keep an eye on her instruments.
“Now, if you could please step into the vanishing cabinet? Our last volunteer turned up in Appleoosa a week later, but I’m sure you’ll be just fine! We’ve ironed out the glitches, I’ve been assured!” Thorax swallowed nervously, but stepped in. “Are you all right?” Secundus asked once Thorax was in and the door had been locked.
“It’s a little cramped in here!” Thorax called.
“Don’t worry, it won’t be for much longer!” Secundus wiggled a magician’s wand in front of the box a few times, muttering under his breath. He then grabbed the edges of the box with his paws and started violently turning it around, faster and faster.
“Hey! What the – WHHOOOAAA! HEY, HEY, HEY!” Thorax called. His voice disappeared quickly.
The box fell open to reveal an empty space. Secundus bowed deeply. “Thank you! Now, we’d better bring him back! I wouldn’t want to be accused of regicide!” He snapped his fingers and the box flew back together. He then spun it the other way, before opening the door.
Thorax stumbled out, seeming dizzy. His face was covered in lipstick marks and he had a stunned expression on his face. “Uh … I think I just accidentally got engaged to Mareilyn Maneroe,” he mumbled.
“Tell her your husband’s a jealous axe murderer. That usually does it. Did she book a chapel?” Secundus asked. Thorax shook his head. “Then you’re fine!” Secundus said with a smile. “You can take your seat now.” Thorax hobbled over to his seat.
“Now! A classic of prestidigitation awaits you next!” Secundus said, his grin too wide for his face. He held up a large saw, his teeth sharpening. A box appeared in front of him with holes for legs at one end, and a hole for a head at the other. “My next volunteer is right … there!” He pointed at Sombra. “Please come up! Don’t worry, I’ve washed my paws. I can do this!” Sombra clambered up on stage, unsure what fate awaited him. Secundus helped him into the box before securing the locks.
*Vrsh, vrsh, vrsh … CRUNCH!*
“I can’t feel my legs! I can’t feel my legs!” Sombra screamed in horror. He wiggled one of his lower hooves, which was now separated from his upper body by a three-foot gap. “Oh! There they are! We’re good!” Secundus pulled the two halves of Sombra back together before he flipped the box so quickly it was a blur. Sombra fell out before he stood up and hobbled over to his seat, clutching at his back. “Ow,” he muttered.
“Sorry,” Secundus said. “At least I joined your spine right! Now, for my next trick, I would like you to pick a card young filly!” he said, pointing at Twilight. He held out a deck of cards. Twilight nervously picked one. It’s not like a card trick could have a horribly fatal flaw, right? Secundus examined the card she’d drawn. “Mm. The Tower. My deepest condolences.”
“What? What’s that supposed to- GAAHH!!!” The Hive floor suddenly gave way beneath Twilight and she fell into an unfamiliar sky. Behind her was a three-mile high tower built of black brick. As Twilight fell in front of it a bolt of lightning struck and blew the top of the tower off with an eardrum shattering explosion. Twilight was flailing madly, trying to get her wings to work, when she suddenly fell back into Secundus’s arms and he set her gently on the floor.
Secundus stepped back and shadows filled the room. In an eerie voice he intoned, “And now, oh Princess, you shall deal with me … AND ALL THE POWERS OF HELL!!” he screeched. In a flash of black and white flame, Secundus disappeared and a fully-grown hydra was in his place.
Twilight let out a horrified scream and fired an offensive spell at the hydra. It clasped a hand over where her spell had hit, all three heads wailing in pain. It then quickly dissolved into black and white flames and sparks, its death cry still in Twilight’s ears.
Secundus popped back into his normal body, and gave an overexaggerated bow, hamming it up completely. “Thank you, mares and gentlestallions, you’ve been a wonderful audience!” he shouted in a warm voice.
Twilight and Sombra had identical expressions of stunned horror on their faces, while Thorax had a wide smile and was enthusiastically applauding. After a few moments of sitting in silence, Sombra leaned over and urgently whispered to Thorax, “Is this just a typical afternoon for you two?!!”
Thorax nodded, still smiling. “It’s … not so bad. When you get used to it,” he said with a casual shrug. “Sec’s not just a King of the Changelings, he’s also a King of Drama.”
“I heard that!” Secundus huffed.
Twilight finally found her voice. “WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!” she screeched.
Secundus shrugged. “You said you wanted to figure out how my magic worked. You were annoying me, and I had said ‘No’ about ten times. You never said you wanted to analyze my magic doing something nice.”
“He does have a point dear,” Sombra said. Twilight gave a very unponylike growl.
“So! What did you discover? I’m kind of curious, to be honest.”
Twilight peered at the steaming remains of her instruments, having forgotten she was supposed to be analyzing Secundus’s Duality Magic. She slowly said, “They … got so cold that … they … melted.” She blinked in surprise and confusion. “That’s-”
“Not scientifically possible?” Secundus finished with a grin. “Welcome to my world! When you helped me to discover my magic, I did start out by just combining Harmony and Chaos Magic, but I quickly started combining different dualities, until I got who-knows-what as my personal brand of magic. All I know about the magic I use is that it just works for me somehow, even though it logically shouldn’t especially according to magical theory. I really don’t think anycreature else in the multiverse could use it. I wouldn’t want them to, it’s pretty unstable sometimes. Sorry.”
Twilight sighed. “All right! I’ll avoid trying to use eldritch magic. Happy now?!”
“Thrilled,” Secundus said with a smile. “Now, I’m sure we all have a bit of reigning to do, so before you try and remove my pelt, I’ll bid you good day.”
“I’m not royalty,” Sombra said with a huff. “And unlike you, I don’t think I’d marry into it.”
“Whoops,” Secundus whispered.
Sombra’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Why, do you know something I don-?”
Secundus’s eyes widened and an expression of horror graced his face. He pointed behind Sombra and Twilight and shouted, “LOOK!! A THING!!!!”
As Twilight and Sombra’s heads whirled around, they heard a tell-tale *BAMF!* of Secundus teleporting for his life. They turned back to find he was gone. Sombra facehoofed. “I cannot believe I fell for that coming from him!” he muttered.
Thorax chuckled. “He knows better than to try that with me. Sorry if my husband added to your mental scarring. We’ve got a great therapy system, with reasonable rates, plus expenses,” he said with a sly grin.
“I can see your husband’s rubbing off on you,” Sombra said. “You were almost scary there, are you sure you’re a Hooflefluff?”
“Turns out Sec’s actually a Hisstherein,” Thorax said with a shrug. “You kind of get good at devious thinking married to one.”
“That explains so much,” Sombra said with an eye roll. He saw the way Twilight was looking at him, stars in her eyes and a squeal forming on her mouth. “What?!”
“YOU’VE READ HARRY TROTTER?!!” Twilight asked excitedly.
Sombra nodded. “Of course. I can enjoy literature that’s too young for my demographic too you know!” He gazed at Thorax. “Tell your husband we must have a Hisstherein Club Meeting,” he commanded snobbishly. He turned away and called to Twilight, “Come, Princess, I have plots to conceive and nefarious deeds to commit!”
Thorax was shaking with laughter. “I can see why Sec worked so hard to set the two of you up!”
“Wait … WHAT?!” Twilight asked.
Thorax held up his hock, glanced at it, and his mouth dropped open. “Oh, wow! Look at the time! Arrivederci!!” He flew away in a blur, Twilight and Sombra’s manes streaking back in the direction he’d flown.
“How do those two accomplish anything?!” Twilight groaned.
Sombra chuckled. “They love each other. They make it work. Kind of like us. A former Tyrant and a Princess are a pretty unusual couple.” Twilight looked at him with a loving smile.
A Changeling popped his head out of a hole in the ceiling. “Oh, my Chrysalis, JUST KISS ALREADY!!” he shouted. “We’re all waiting for it!”
Twilight and Sombra blustered for a moment. “Were you watching the whole time?” Sombra asked.
The Changeling nodded with a grin. “Sure! Free food, right?”
Sombra growled, “Listen, you blood-sucking-”
“That’s speciest,” the Changeling said, “We eat emotions, not blood.”
“I didn’t mean-” Sombra tried to say.
The Changeling closed his eyes and in a perfect impression of every younger sibling in the multiverse shouted/whined “Sec! Sombra’s being mean to me!!!”
“I am not the father you are looking for,” replied Secundus’s voice. “Break it up, all right?”
“Uh … is this your other son?” Sombra asked, sweating nervously. He didn’t want to have just accidentally gotten in trouble with another member of Secundus’s family, given what Secundus could be like.
“No, it’s … There’s a running joke in the Hive that Thorax is the adoptive father of most of the younger Changelings, and when I came along, I became second adoptive father by proxy. Not that I’m very good at it. If I have to split you all up …. Y̩͌o̯̣̮̾͑̋ȗ̺ ̯̒͊̔͢ͅa̤̬̭̙͐͌̍͝r̽ͅȩ͚̜̣̖̄͛͛̈̚ ̐̎͜͢rẽ̙a̭͕̽́͌͢l̛͇̹̼̄̿l͇̦̚͞y̨̭͉͛͒͠ ̨̩̩͙͑͊̏͡N̺̲̳͔̄̌͌͞OT͓͒ ̍ͅg̰̚oi̥͓͕̲͐͊͛̓͒ͅǹ͙̼̕ḡ̟ ̢̊to̬̫͌͘ ̥̤͂̒l̥͍̯̱̉͒̀̃ì̛͔̙̩͒̊͜ḱ͓̞̗͙̑̿̈̏͜ė̛̹͓ ͜͠wh̯͍̆̅a̠̖̭͂͋̊t̥͉͛̚ ̡̱̅͐͝ͅha̼͓͈̮̍͐͌͝p̧̗͂̾p̛̤͉̿̋͜e͇͡n̡̠̮̑͒̆s͎͍̟̽̿͞ ̥͎̪̓͋̈́͆͟ne͇͝x̱̃t̘̜̼̺̋̓̐͐.̛̙͈̞̬͗͋͐.̢̗͚̏̏̽̓ͅ.̡̀”
Twilight had never seen Sombra run so fast. The Changeling had also apparently vanished into thin air. It took all of her self-control not to wet herself. She cleared her throat. “Firstly, may I commend you on how perfect you’ve gotten your Scary Voices? You sounded downright demonic.”
“Thank you,” came the unseen reply.
“Second, … DON’T MENTALLY SCAR YOUR FRIENDS FOR LIFE!!”
“Will do! See you later!”
Twilight certainly did not fly back to the portal at breakneck speeds. Sinister chuckling followed her.
All the Changelings lining the hall of the Hive were staring in slight shock at what was approaching. Secundus had grown to almost the size of a fully-grown dragon, walking down the hall on all fours. His teeth were carrying a pony mare by the scruff of her neck the way a cat would carry its kittens. The mare in question was a mint-green unicorn with yellow eyes, a green and white mane, and a cutie mark that looked like an old-fashioned harp. She was currently shouting at Secundus.
“Oh, come on! You have a library! A whole library filled with books on humans!”
Secundus could talk with his mouth closed, it just meant that he had one voice instead of the usual two. “You’re lucky I’m not pressing charges for trespass, Lyra. Guests are supposed to keep out of the levels marked ‘Out of Bounds,’ which you didn’t. That library is for my immediate family’s use only.”
They’d come to the portal, and Secundus gently set Lyra down inside it. Lyra raised a hoof to the sky and shouted, “The people have a right to know!”
Secundus rolled his eyes and shrank down to his normal size, standing up and folding his arms. “The Badlands are a monarchy, and I am one of its monarchs. My kingdom is so small that when necessary, I am all three branches of government. Provided I don’t abuse it, in certain circumstances, my word is law. If I say that no one is to use that library, then no one is to use that library.” Lyra opened her mouth to object, but Secundus held up a paw to cut her off. “You could always petition Celestia to petition me, but that would be a long, drawn-out engagement involving mounds of paperwork for both of us, a few books aren’t worth that. If I find out that you personally are responsible for tripling my paperwork just to get into that library, I will come in the night and drink your blood,” he hissed, baring his teeth. “It’s not worth all this trouble. Humans are just another species in the multiverse, with all the flaws and graces granted therein. They aren’t much better or worse than most others. They just are. Anyway, I’m not supposed to let anycreature know about them, I just made that library because my son is even more obsessed with humans than you are,” he said with an eye roll. He thought about something. “Aside from me, how did you hear about-? Never mind. I don’t want to know. Goodbye Lyra, I will see you in a few weeks for the Running of the Leaves and the start of cider season.”
“Fine…” Lyra huffed.
“Thank you,” Secundus said, pressing the button. Lyra was quickly whisked back to Ponyville. Secundus slumped against the wall.
There was a familiar chuckle behind him. “We … might need to take some extra security precautions with that thing,” Thorax said, stepping out of the shadows. “Would you be willing to work with Pharynx on that? He would not want to know we’ve got ponies showing up more than they already do.”
Secundus nodded. “Will do.” He sighed. “It seemed like such a good idea at the time, too.”
“It was,” Thorax said supportively. “We were almost completely cut off from the rest of Equestria before, now we’re more connected then we’ve ever been! We just have one or two issues to work out, that’s all. And just think! In a few months, it will be Hearts and Hooves Day! We’ll be able to go all over Equestria on that day! With all the love we’ll be able to harvest, we’ll be unstoppable!” Thorax cackled manically, green flames shooting up behind him.
“Rrrriiiiggghhhttt….” Secundus said slowly, his body tensing up in a predatory manner. He peered at Thorax, then said, “I honestly don’t know if I should apologize for this…” He snapped his fingers, and Thorax was suddenly tied very securely to a chair.
Thorax struggled in vain against the bonds. “Hey! What gives?!”
Secundus got down on all fours and padded over to him, clicking in the back of his throat the way he did when he was really upset. In one motion he stood up and plunged his paws into Thorax’s chest. Thorax gave a cry of pain before Secundus pulled something out of him.
Thorax looked back and saw his body slumped in the chair. He looked down and saw that he was floating in the air, and pretty transparent. He stuck a hoof through his chest to confirm something, before glaring murderously at his husband.
Secundus seemed relieved. “Oh, thank heavens, it’s you.”
“YOU RIPPED MY SOUL OUT OF MY BODY?!!” Thorax screamed.
Secundus shrugged. “It’s the only way I know to be 110% certain that you’re you and not your mother. I’m a little paranoid that she’ll show up one of these days to exact her unholy revenge. I’m sorry, I completely overreacted. Again.”
Thorax fumed before he said, “Your parents never pop out of your mouth by accident?”
Secundus snickered. “Oh, absolutely. I sound just like my mother a lot. However, the last time I checked, my mother isn’t a super-villainess hell-bent on world domination. Mind you, the last few days I’ve been acting like a villain. I don’t understand why I’m being written this way,” he muttered too softly for Thorax to hear. He cleared his throat. “Anyway! I’ll just pop you back in, no problem!” Due to his very sharp teeth and over-exaggeration of facial expressions, Secundus’s reassuring smiles usually weren’t at all. He reached out a paw and gently shoved Thorax back into his body.
Thorax sat up and his eyes narrowed. “Firstly … don’t talk about my mother like that. If anyling gets to slander her, it’s me. Secondly … try thinking before you do something like that again. Now untie me before I come up with another way to kill you. I’m up to seventeen. No, eighteen.”
Secundus didn’t even bother snapping his fingers for dramatic effect. The ropes just poofed away and the chair disappeared from under Thorax. Secundus managed to catch him in time and set him on his hooves. “Sorry. I guess … I don’t know. I can be pretty … I don’t know.”
Thorax shot his husband a look at his sudden mood change. “You OK?”
Secundus nodded a little too quickly. “Sure, I’m fine, honest.”
Thorax chuckled. “You really are the worst liar I know.”
“Hey, not everyone can be raised to infiltrate other societies, all right?”
“Hey, just because I was raised to do it doesn’t mean I was good at it!!” Thorax said with a chuckle. “I never told you about the time I wound up accidentally impersonating the Mayor of Whinnyapolis, did I?”
Secundus facepawed. “Oh, gods, you didn’t!!”
“Hey, I was twelve, I could see that everypony seemed to really like him, I figured it was a good way to get lots of free affection. Was that ever a mistake!” Thorax said with a grin. “Someling who’s the equivalent of six is not qualified to run a major city.”
“No kidding. Judging by your Crystal Hoof ‘sona, you didn’t seem to have gotten much better between then and the time you met Spike.”
“I got a little better!” Thorax snapped defensively. He then thought of something. “Hey, what does your soul look like?”
Secundus suddenly got very nervous, the taste slightly bitter. “Oh … you know…” he said casually, waving his paws around vaguely. “Soul-like. Nothing too exciting. I’m sure you’ve seen lots of souls and can get the gist.”
“Sec,” Thorax said. “Use adjectives, please.”
“Do I have to?!”
“What’s making you so upset?”
Secundus sighed. “Fine, but don’t claim in court I didn’t warn you. Here.” He passed Thorax something.
Thorax examined them closely before he gave an amused chuckle. “Your soul looks like a pair of three-dee glasses?”
Secundus stuck his tongue out childishly. “3-D glasses are red and blue; those glasses are blue and orange. They’re sixth-dimensional. Oh, and I don’t fit in here, so sorry about this. Put them on.”
Thorax did so and blinked when he found himself floating peacefully in space. He wasn’t wearing the glasses anymore and found that he was again translucent. It didn’t take him long to figure out that he wasn’t in his body again. “I just ask him what his soul looks like and he takes mine out again,” Thorax said with an eye roll. “YOU’D BETTER HAVE A GOOD REASON FOR THIS!” he shouted. He glanced around at the starry night he was in. “Sec?” he called nervously. “Where are you?!”
“Behind you,” Sec said in a small voice. “You might want to turn around slowly.”
Thorax flailed until he figured out how to steer, and when he managed to turn around, his jaw dropped. If he’d still had a bladder, he might honestly have wet himself. “Whoa. You’re HUGE!”
“You should have seen me before I went on a diet,” Secundus said, amusement pouring off of him in waves of light. “I did say ‘I don’t fit in here,’ remember?”
When Thorax was out of his body, he looked like Thorax. When Secundus was out of his body, he looked … …
He was made up of ribbons of white light gently curving through the stars and nebulae, and around and throughout planets. The ribbons changed brightness, direction, and shape in seemingly random ways, although some did appear to function as limbs. At the center of … whatever this was … was an endless knot made up of smaller ribbons, gently coiling and retying itself with infinite patience. At the edges of the not-shape shapes would appear and fade that briefly suggested a multitude of eyes or sharp teeth the size of a large moon. It should have been unsettling or creepy, but Thorax found it … beautiful.
Thorax managed to find his voice again. “H-how big are you?” he asked in wonder.
The ribbons seemed to shrug. “About the size of a standard solar-system actually. There’s a reason a Spirit’s true form isn’t material, we’d break the planet!” More of the suggestions of teeth briefly appeared in a Cheshire-cat smile. Yep, that was definitely Secundus.
“Wow,” was all Thorax managed to say.
Some of Secundus was tinged yellow with amusement. “I’m sorry if my magnificence blinds you,” he said, feigning arrogance. A tendril of light that could easily have wiped the entire continent of Equestria off the map lazily uncoiled from the main mass and reached out towards Thorax. The pointed end was smaller than Thorax’s head, and it gently poked him on the tip of his snout. “Boop.”
Thorax cantered around madly in circles. “AAUGH!!! I’VE BEEN ‘BOOPED’ BY AN ELDRITCH ABOMINATION!! I HAVE ELDRITCH GERMS!!!! GET SOME HOLY WATER! GET SOME DISINFECTANT! GET SOME IODINE!!!”
Secundus’s edges were now purple, and a couple of tendrils folded over themselves like he was folding his arms. “Thorax,” he growled lowly. “I have ‘booped’ you plenty of times before now, and it hasn’t killed you yet. I’m still me,” the ribbons that made up Secundus’s strange soul turned in a way that suggested his was looking at himself, “I’m just a little more cosmic and glowy than you’re used to seeing me.”
Thorax was still running around. Secundus sighed loudly enough that some cosmic dust rippled. He reached out a couple of tendrils and yanked Thorax and held him in one place. Thorax cackled with a manic grin on his face. “I have seen Eternity, and it snows choco pies!!!”
“Oh, for th’ love o’-” Secundus booped Thorax a second time.
Thorax quickly shook his head, the insanity clearing away. “Um… thanks?”
“And that is why you don’t ask to see a Spirit’s soul! Can we say you learned a lesson and things I don’t talk about are best left undiscussed?”
“Never,” Thorax said with a grin.
Secundus rippled with laughter and let Thorax go. “I’m actually kind of sad, I … used to still look human. Inside, I mean. This doesn’t exactly look human, does it?”
“Not really, no.” Thorax’s eyes widened. “What is that?”
“Hmm? Oh. It’s a, uh…” Secundus twirled around in a rather dazzling display until his other side was facing Thorax. “I guess ‘scar’ is the right word.”
One of Secundus’s ribbons was a dull grey that ranged through to a black that hurt to look at. The edges were jagged, and the air suddenly pulsed with pain. Thorax screwed his eyes shut. “What is that?!”
“I told you, it’s a scar.”
“How can a soul have a scar?”
Secundus sighed. “If you take a hot knife, and cut your arm all day, every day, you’ll wind up with a hell of a scar. Same principle. It’s just what hatred does to you. Well, that and it leads to the Dark Side,” he said with amusement.
“Oh. … You-?” Thorax couldn’t even finish the question.
“I … I’m getting better. It just takes practice. And time. And support. All of which I have in abundance. Now! I should probably pop us back in our bodies before someling thinks we’ve died.”
“YOU JUST LEFT OUR BODIES-” Thorax sat up. “THERE?!!” he finished shouting. He glanced around. “Oh. Whoops. Sorry everyling. Long day.” The assembled Changeling all chuckled nervously and got on with their days.
Thorax tasted a maelstrom of emotions behind him. He glanced back and saw Secundus with a nervous look. His emotions ranged from nervousness to fear to hatred to sadness, and it was really messing with the nearby Changelings.
“Sorry. I have to stop doing that.” Secundus had his claws dug into his arm.
“You OK?” Thorax asked carefully.
Secundus nodded, a huge smile suddenly plastered on his face. “Yep! I’m fine. Never better.”
“Sec,” Thorax groaned in exasperation.
Secundus dropped the act, closed his eyes, dug his claws in harder and grit his teeth. So quietly Thorax could hardly hear it, Secundus said, “I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine….” Thorax knew when he was like this, he wasn’t aware of anything around him, and wouldn’t even talk to himself.
Thorax sighed in defeat. He hated not knowing what to do.
The next morning, Thorax woke up bright and early and gripped his horn as he yelped in pain. “Sweet cheese sticks!!! What is going o-? Oh, no.” He dashed to the “window” of his bedroom and waited for it to open. When it did, he noticed that the entire sky over the Badlands was covered in thick grey fog. Thunder rumbled sullenly. Thorax let out a stream of curses in Changeish that would have made even Pharynx blush. “It’s been months!! Why here, why now?!”
He dashed downstairs to a large main chamber of the Hive. If he had to use a word to describe the Changelings in it, he would have picked, “hiding” or “cowering.” There were several empty bottles of aspirin lying around the floor, and the Changelings were all huddled together for emotional support. When they all saw Thorax the started yelling about twenty different things. Thanks to his assertiveness training, Thorax was able to get them to stop just by holding up a hoof. “Right. I know this looks bad, but we can get through this. If we’re careful. I hope. Does anyling know where Albert is?”
“He left for Canterlot the second this started,” a Changeling whimpered.
“Well, I can’t exactly blame him.” Thorax did a quick head count. “Right. Someling find about twenty sticks about the same size and bring them back. If you try and run away, I’ll throw you in the brig for treason,” he joked to make the mood lighter. It really didn’t help.
“We’re drawing lots?!” a mint Changeling cried in outrage.
Thorax sighed. “Yes Cornicle, we’re drawing lots. I did it last time and I never want to do it again. And this is me we’re talking about.”
“Why couldn’t this just be solved in Feelings Forum?” a Changeling sobbed.
“Some things aren’t that simple,” Thorax said with a sigh. “Right. Quicker we start, quicker this can finish.”
As soon as the sticks were brought everyling drew one with their eyes closed. The loser swallowed nervously. All the Changelings grabbed him in a hug, feeding him love and emotional support. He glared at Thorax. “You just had to go and fall-” Thorax gave him the Stare, and he quickly ran to start his mission.
The doomed Changeling didn’t know exactly where he was heading, but he knew how to tell when he was getting close, he’d hurt more. He headed down into the lower levels of the Hive, growing more and more nervous. The hornache was getting really bad. He came to the hall leading to the Library. Of course. It had to be in there.
He stared in shock. No, it wasn’t his imagination, the color really was draining out of the world the closer he got. This was not a good sign. When he got within three feet of the Library, he started hearing whispers, too quiet to make out, but eerily hissing things at him. Nope, not going there. He nervously cracked open the door. Changelings can see pretty well in the dark, but it was pitch black in there. After his eyes adjusted, he picked out what looked like a long shape coiled on a stack of books like a dragon. Two small pinpricks of blue light were regarding him coldly.
He swallowed nervously. The feelings of hatred and despair were horrible down here. “Um. Your high-” No. Bad idea. He hated being referred to by a royal title. The Changeling simply settled for, “Sir, um, we were-”
“I want to be left alone.” Secundus only had one voice, and it was devoid of any emotion at all. He couldn’t even be bothered to sound upset at being disturbed. Secundus’s eyes narrowed, and he managed to sound coldly threatening when he said, “If you don’t leave me alone so I can work through this, I’ll turn you into something funny, and when I’m like this I have a very twisted sense of humor.”
The Changeling quickly fled.
Secundus set his head back down on his paws, another voice joining the swirling mess in his head. Nice job, now you’re threatening your subjects. Some great king you’ve turned out to be. And they’re all empaths! You’re leaking insanity all over the place, in a building full of empaths. That’s not going to cause any mental health problems. Why can’t you just – forget it. You’re not worth my time. I don’t see why anycreature puts up with you. Those thoughts were replaced by others. Secundus sighed, pried his ears off, and gently chewed on them to stop the noise, knowing it wouldn’t work. The room slowly grew darker and colder.
Several hours later, Secundus appeared in the kitchen with a faint *BAMF!* Thankfully, the kitchen was empty, and he couldn’t hear anyling around. He slumped into a chair. He didn’t know what to do. He was feeling better, but…
Secundus conjured up a carton of a heavily-trademarked brand of personal-sized ice creams, the flavor of which was a fruit-based pun on a famous Earth guitarist’s name. He sighed again at all of the memories of home this particular flavor of ice cream brought. Oh, well. He opened the lid, held the carton in his paws, and closed his eyes. His horn lit up half black and half white. A few seconds later, the cartoon was steaming. Secundus took a swig of the warm ice cream, chewing on the maraschino cherry halves and fudge bits. Beats having to use a microwave. He drained the rest in one gulp. He then bit into the cartoon and chewed morosely, since the ice cream had had about that much flavor due to his mood. Besides, he was part goat, right? Maybe. He’d eaten things far worse for him, like glass, and anti-matter, and … Probably not a good idea to eat broken glass when he was in a mood like this. Sweet soggy cardboard. Mmm. Just like Ma used to make. Right.
Now that he was done, Secundus knew he owed a couple of hundred Changelings a profuse apology. His depression wasn’t technically his fault, but it had still hurt them, so he wanted to make up for it. Besides, he’d threatened one of them for just being nice to him, because gods forbid that he ever think he was worth being nice to, he thought with an eye roll. He could certainly be a monster when he put his mind to it though. At least his dad hadn’t been actually trying to be cruel. That was a depressing thought for another day. Right. Apology. Preferably with cake.
He got up and started wandering through the Hive. No one was in sight. Ah, good, I scared them all off! Wonderful.
Secundus came to a large chamber and looked around in confusion. The room was crammed full of strange things. Chairs, rugs, a painting, a bowl of fruit on an end table, rocks, bushes, crystals, and even a ticking grandfather clock. There must have been hundreds of random items crammed into a room. It was like the multiverse had had a rummage sale and dropped everything off here.
Secundus scratched his head in confusion. “OK, I know I’m absent-minded, but I do not remember all this being here this morning.”
A rocking chair with green cushions suddenly leaped up and cried, “ATTACK!!!!”
There were so many flashes of green light that Secundus was blinded. Seconds later he was flattened by a group of Changelings dog-piling him. He was completely covered except for his head. “Get off of me!!!” Secundus bellowed, his form rippling as he prepared to shapeshift.
A Changeling buried his head into the fluff on the top of Secundus’s chest and said, “Nope. We answer to a higher authority than you.”
Secundus blinked in shock. “I’m your King. I basically rule. I was just reelected Dictator-for-Life of the Get Rid Of Scary monsterS club. Who the heck outranks me?!”
“Thorax has seniority,” a Changeling replied with a smile.
Secundus opened his mouth to object before he admitted, “Fair point. Um. What are you all doing?”
“It’s a science experiment Thorax thought we should try! We’re attempting to see if we can cure your depression by transferring love via osmosis. Is it working?”
Secundus thought about it. “Not quite. But maybe we should keep trying. For science.”
“FOR SCIENCE!!” the Changelings cheered.
Secundus chuckled. “I … just – wow. What did I do to deserve you all? I’m nowhere near that good a person.”
“Shut up and feel better!” Cornicle muttered, clinging to Secundus’s arm.
“I … uh …” Secundus stammered. He heard a very familiar “Hmph.” “Pharynx?!” Secundus asked in shock. “What are you doing here?”
“Your mood is affecting the entire Hive in a seriously negative way. You’re a threat to proper Hive functioning. I do care about you, but don’t think I’m getting mushy.”
“Duly noted.” Secundus thought about something. “Why, after how much emotional trauma I put you all through, which translates to physicalpain for Changelings, are you all being so nice to me?”
“Thorax isn’t the only Changeling to have traveled Equestria,” a member of the group said in serious tones. “I know what somecreature not wanting to live tastes like.”
Secundus’s eyes widened in horror. “I – I wouldn’t – I mean-” he gave a hollow bark of laughter. “In the first place, it wouldn’t work. In the second, it would really hurt. In the third, I don’t want to do that to anyone I love. In the fourth place, I’d get bored of it after a few tries. I mean … I might not want to live, but that doesn’t mean I have to act on it! Sooner or later, I’d feel at least a little better. Enough to carry on for the day if nothing else. I might be kinda … off forever, but that doesn’t end planets or anything. It’s just a really bad mood thanks to my chemistry being off. It’s fine.
“I actually owe you all a huge apology. Today was bad enough for me, but you all had to share it. That’s … messy.” Secundus finished. A Changeling chuckled somewhat deviously. “What?” Secundus asked.
“You’re feeling better,” she replied with a sly grin.
Secundus blinked. “Oh. I am. Look at that.” He gave a grin, before vanishing in a flash of black and white fire. A blue and gold Changeling was in his place. Some of the other Changelings grumbled as they readjusted the snuggle pile.
“Why’d you do that?”
“Well, I’ve got all this love and support being aimed my way, might as well take full advantage of it! I kind of like the way love tastes.”
“What … uh … set you off this time?” a Changeling asked carefully. Some of the other Changelings shot him dirty looks.
“Guys, it’s fine! I’m better!” Secundus cleared his throat. “I was, uh, thinking about the fact that I’m going to outlive this universe. And the next one. And the next. I try not to think about it, but sometimes I remember that I’m going to outlive everyone I’ll ever care about. Except Draconequui, but … I kind of prefer mortals. My adoptive family scare me a bit still. Anywho. After a while, I started thinking that it was my fault,” he gave a sudden snicker. “Well, it is, but not this me. Buddy, I tell you, if I could reach through that screen…” There was a faint, distant sound of very nervous typing…
Secundus cleared his throat. “Anyway, back to ‘reality,’” he said with a grin. “So, one thing kind of led to another, and … here we are. Depression bites. Again, sorry.”
“Well, you’re joking again, so that’s good,” Thorax said from the doorway with a grin.
Secundus waved a leg. “Get in here! There’s room right here!”
Thorax chuckled, walked around the pile of Changelings and snuggled up to his husband. Noling said anything, they just all offered emotional support to one another, and contently hummed.
After about half an hour, Secundus said, “You know, I think I’m going to decree twice a month Hive-wide cuddle sessions. They aren’t mandatory, they’re just there if you need them. We are a fairly democratic monarchy, would anyling care to second the motion?”
“Aye!” about ten Changelings called.
“So motioned,” Secundus said. “I’ll write up the paperwork later.”
The Changelings chuckled. While they had been intending this to make Secundus feel better, so he’d stop messing with things, it had actually helped everyone feel better.
After a while longer, Secundus sat up. “OK, that’s enough! Get lost before I turn you all into hideously adorable kittens or something. And THANK YOU!” he shouted, voices echoing off the walls as the Changelings scattered to get an actual start on the day they’d missed most of. “Right, I’ve got about fifty things to do now. I hate that part. C’mon Moosey, help me figure this out.”
Early the morning after Secundus wound up scaring the Hive, Thorax woke up and noticed breakfast had been laid out for him. There were about three bottles on the table next to the bed, each filled with a glowing light. Secundus had joked at one point that he’d had so much practice metaphorically bottling his emotions over the years that literally bottling them for his family and subjects wasn’t much of a stretch. Thorax examined the tag on each bottle. On one side they all said, “EAT ME,” which made him chuckle. One of the bottles was labeled “Love,” one was labeled “Peace,” and the last was labeled “Gratitude.” Thorax knew that Secundus had trouble with gratitude and almost never felt peace, so the fact that he had yesterday made Thorax feel good about himself. A note under the bottles read, “Share the leftovers!” Thorax chuckled and uncorked a bottle. He ate about half the Love, and took a small sip of the Gratitude, intending to share the rest with the Hive, since they were responsible for it. The Peace he decided to save for a rainy day.
He got out of bed and set the bottle of Love outside Albert’s door. He trotted into the chamber that held Secundus’ throne room. Hanging above the weathered rocking chair that served as Secundus’ “throne” was a sign with three sections and a sliding arrow at the bottom that moved to point up at one of the sections. The three sections were from left to right; “IN,” “OUT,” and “SHAKIN’ ALL ABOUT.” “IN” meant that Secundus was currently in either the Hive or the Badlands. “OUT” meant that Secundus wasn’t in the Hive, but was still on Equis, and could be reached quickly I.C.O.E. “SHAKIN’ ALL ABOUT” meant that Secundus was out somewhere in the multiverse for business or pleasure and would return your call at his earliest convenience.
The arrow was currently pointing at “IN.” Thorax concentrated. He couldn’t feel Sec anywhere, but the sign never lied, … which meant there was only one place Sec could be. Oh, foal. Thorax thought with a chuckle.
Thorax headed out into the gardens behind the Hive. In the very back, in an out of the way place, there was a gap in the plants, a line in the sand, and a wooden sign. The gap was wide enough for two Changelings to comfortably walk through. The line that marked the border was about an inch deep and an inch wide. The air on the other side of the line rippled and shimmered like a wave of heat. The sign read, “Management is not responsible for loss of life, limb, or sanity. Enjoy your stay, and DON’T LITTER!”
Thorax pushed through the border, the air tingling on his carapace as he did so. He was still in the Hive gardens, but not gardens that would show up well on a map.
Secundus had one day innocently asked if he could stick a garden on the back of the Hive, so that he could have a place to relax. Thorax had agreed without knowing quite what he was getting himself into. The fact that Secundus had been gone for the next sixteen hours should have tipped him off. When he was done … well … creativity can be addicting, and he’d “overdone it a bit.”
Secundus’ additions to the garden were at least the size of the rest of the Badlands. He’d created something that was pretty relaxing, and he’d done it with an artist’s eye, but … he’d forgotten one or two minor details. Like physics.
The garden was broken into sections. Even Secundus wasn’t exactly sure how many there were anymore. He had a section apiece where it was always the stereotype of one season: burning fall colors and the smell of campfires in one, frosty paths, icicles, and snow in another; the sort of weather you dreamed about as a kid.
There was a section where every plant and object was a different color of black, with a koi pond full of skeletal fish, since Secundus couldn’t accidentally kill something that was already dead. They really liked being fed dark Rye.
There was a section that was just a wheat field. There was another that had more sunflowers and poppies than could easily be counted. There were streams running throughout everything, and occasionally running uphill and into water mills that were straight out of an Escher lithograph. There was an Anglish country manor garden, a tea garden that was just missing a Hatter and Hare, it went on, and on, and on.
Most of the Changelings agreed that Secundus’ gardens were a tranquil, timeless place to take your mind off things. EVERY Changeling agreed that no sane creature would ever set hoof in there. You could spend an entire day in there, and not see everything. Which made finding a certain noodle tricky … unless you followed the music, Thorax thought with a grin.
As if the music wasn’t enough, the scent of joy would have helped Thorax find his husband. He found him in a clearing where it was always a perfect summer afternoon. At least … he thought it was Secundus. There couldn’t be many temporarily human-shaped entities in Equestria who danced that badly.
Secundus couldn’t lie to save his life, so he’d eventually told the rest of the Changelings that he hadn’t made up humans as a species, he used to be human. He’d even shown them what he looked like. Once the jokes of “Who’d shave a chimpanzee?” had died down a few weeks later, Secundus had offered to answer questions about humans, explaining that he couldn’t tell some things, he was by no means an expert, and he wasn’t exactly unbiased.
Since then, Secundus occasionally hung around the Hive in his old form, although he very much preferred his Draconequus form, since his human body, “Hadn’t ever fit right.” Whatever that meant.
Secundus was currently wearing a grey and orange striped hoodie and grey slacks, although he was still barefoot. He also had on a black feather boa, for reasons that could only have made sense to him. He was twirling it around as he danced. He had some sort of rectangular device plugged into a portable speaker and was singing along with The Birthday Massacre’s cover of I Think We’re Alone Now. It helped that he could magically autotune his voice to match.
Thorax chuckled and just stood and watched. Secundus had his eyes closed and hadn’t seen him yet. Thorax squinted. Across from Secundus there were very brief semi-transparent flashes of … black, gold, white, and grey. They seemed to be forming a shape. Thorax concentrated. It looked like a mirage, but he made out a dancing monochrome human in dress clothes, with black spiky hair, gold eyes, fangs, and a white feather boa. Mal. When Mal noticed him, he put a finger to his lips and grinned.
Something suddenly grabbed Thorax and hauled him into the air. He squeaked and noticed that Secundus, still with his eyes closed was dancing with him and singing the song to Thorax specifically. When he was done, he planted a quick kiss on the tip of Thorax’s muzzle. He then sat the two of them down.
Thorax chuckled. He forgot that Secundus could suplex him in just about any form. “How come you only have about three settings between suicidal and manic?” Thorax asked with interest.
Secundus shrugged. “Simplicity? I’m really not sure. Try seeing it from inside my head. It’s even worse in there.”
“Hmm. Beautiful day, isn’t it?”
Secundus nodded. “Yeah it really is! Mind you, that’s kind of the point of this place. Believe it or not, it was Mal’s idea to have a place where I could always cheer myself up and reflect. It’s saved me from going off the deep end about twice.”
“Wow. I take back everything bad I said about Mal.”
“Thanks Moosey,” Secundus said, his accent changing slightly. It wasn’t really noticeable the way his voices clashed. Thorax glanced up.
Thorax hadn’t noticed before, but even in human shape, Secundus still had black sclera, and his irises were currently reflective gold. That and the cocky grin gave Thorax a clue. “Don’t call me ‘Moosey,’ only my husband can do that,” he huffed. Mal put a hand on his chest, looking deeply hurt. “You wound me. I’m part of your husband, surely that counts for something?” Thorax firmly shook his head. Secundus sighed, his eyes switching back to their normal blue. “You’ll get there,” he promised Mal. “It’ll just take a while. I – ayyyeee…” Secundus let out a huge yawn. “Sorry, I just-”
Secundus gave a wide stretch, and then went right on stretching. Thorax had seen Secundus shapeshift before, but a human stretching into an eight-foot noodle Draconequus was an interesting sight. He grew even thinner than he was already, grew fur, and his now much longer neck sprouted yellow fur. His face pushed out into a muzzle and he grew a curved black horn out of his forehead. His new maw was wide open as he continued to yawn, putting the half of his teeth that were very sharp on display. Thorax had been so focused on Secundus’ head that he hadn’t noticed his hands change into paws or his feet morph into a hoof and paw. With a loud ripping sound Secundus’ tails burst through his pants, tearing them to shreds. The reason Thorax found Secundus’ shapeshifting so interesting this time was that it took about two minutes instead of a few seconds. It was pretty slow and leisurely, like it really was a good stretch.
Secundus was still wearing the sweatshirt he had been wearing, but it now only came halfway down his stomach. He glared down at his feet and his glasses fell off. “I really liked those pants,” he grumbled. He pulled the neck of his sweatshirt out and glanced at his chest. “And this shirt. They’re both copies of some old favorites.”
“I have to admit, that was a stretch!” Thorax chuckled.
“Yes, but you don’t have to recreate clothes. Again.”
Thorax grinned. “You only wear clothes on special occasions or other planets these days. Most of the time you’re starkers.”
“It’s a matter of principle,” Secundus huffed.
“Seriously, why do you wear clothes when you’re human shaped? We see everything the rest of the time!”
“Being clothed is kind of built into the human shape. I can’t explain it better than that. Besides, I look a lot better naked as a Draconequus than a human. When I’m a Draconequus I have fur! Can we please talk about something else now?!” Secundus hissed, his ears going flat.
Thorax chuckled. “Sorry. I guess I can try to understand your alien cultural needs.”
Secundus rolled his eyes. His ear rotated back slightly. “Hey Albert,” he said softly.
Albert hesitated before Secundus patted the ground next to him, on the other side from Thorax. He slithered over. “Hey. I heard you two were in here. I’m … glad you’re doing better Dad.”
Secundus smiled. “Me too.”
“Sorry for running out yesterday,” Albert said meekly.
“I would have too. I can’t exactly blame you. You doing any better?”
Albert nodded. “I’ve got growing pains again,” he muttered, rubbing his tail irritably into the ground.
Secundus winced. “Sorry. I swear on what little I hold holy that I didn’t pick your growth rate when we had you. If it had been up to me, you’d have grown at the rate of a pony or even a Changeling, not a half-Draconequus. You up for a hug?”
Albert considered it before he slowly nodded.
Secundus wrapped one of his tails around each member of his family, trying to feed them his love and peace. Thorax and Albert sighed happily. Secundus had very little control over his emotions, but when he did, he was a really good cook. Suddenly his emotions shifted. They were still the same emotions, they just tasted … off.
The two empaths glanced up at Secundus to notice that his eyes were again yellow, and he had the happiest smile they’d seen him with.
“What’s up?” Thorax asked worriedly.
To his shock, Mal was purring so loudly that they could both feel it. “I’m … cuddling with people I love,” Mal said with a slightly dopey smile. “I’ve wanted to do that since Sec was seven. Not having a body has some advantages, but lots of disadvantages too.” He saw their expressions. “What?! You don’t believe I can crave snugs too?”
The two of them laughed as Mal and Secundus had an internal battle for control of the body to see who could get the most cuddles. Thorax said, “It’s funny. I’ve been pretty stressed the past few weeks, you were practically suicidal yesterday, Albert’s having adolescence…”
“WHAT?!” Secundus shouted, both of him snapping out of their squabbling. He turned to Albert and grinned, before giving him a noogie. “My son can’t be having adolescence, he’s not even two yet!”
“DAAAAAAADDDD!!!” Albert whined. He thought about it. “How old am I? I’m not sure from one day to the next.”
Secundus buried his snout in Albert’s fur, inhaling deeply before giving a few sniffs. “Well, chronologically you’re about a year and three quarters, biologically and mentally, you’re … sixteen.” Secundus blinked. “Wow. Sixteen already. Hmm. Well, if I’ve missed a lot of your angst-ridden teenage years, I’ll dadfinitely have to start making some punbearable jokes to make up for lost time.”
Albert sighed wearily. “You shouldn’t take that line of thought any father, Dad. I’ve got a snakeing suspicion that you’re not as punny as you think you are. You’re certainly not hissterical.”
Secundus growled. “I hate to noodle you, but my puns are fangtastic! I don’t want to blow my own horn, but I have a pawsome sense of humor. I’m even better at telling funny tails. I mean, sure, my thoughts can be a bit mix ‘n match, but’s it’s not like my jokes really Dracon. My jokes may sound pretty dad to others, but you’re going to love them at some point, it’s just whether it’s going to be sooner or Vader.”
Albert rolled his eyes. “Well, as everything under the son can tell you, you’re only kidding yourself with these childish jokes. I’m going to have to call a time out if you wind up throwing a hissy fit like a kid. Why don’t you just pick yourself up and toddler off before you embarrass yourself? I’ve heard and teen much funnier people than you, Dad.”
Albert and Secundus bared their fangs at each other and growled and hissed dangerously. The two of them then burst out in insane laughter, rolling around likes strands of spaghetti in a pot as they wheezed for air.
Thorax’s jaw had dropped. “Are you two OK?” he asked, worried they’d lost their minds a bit more than normal.
Since Secundus didn’t technically need to breathe, he nodded. “Yeah. Sorry. We get into pun wars in the wee small hours sometimes. They’re really fun!”
Thorax sighed. Secundus sat back up and pulled the two of them into another hug. “Hey. No matter what happens, you guys know I’ll always love you, right? You’re my first spouse and my firstborn, which makes the two of you pretty special.”
Thorax nodded. He then grinned. “You’re still doing the dishes tonight.”
“Oh, come on! You two don’t even eat!” Secundus protested.
“We are tonight,” Thorax said smugly.
Secundus sighed. “Fine. How about I take us out for Neightalian, and we can let the dishes be somecreature else’s problem?”
Albert and Thorax looked at each other, grinned, and nodded.
Thorax was pulled out of a dream about spending quality time with Spike by a high-pitched whimpering, like a puppy that was in pain. He blearily searched around the bedroom, his eyes taking a second to adjust to the dark. Something almost twice his length thrashed in the bed next to him. He glanced over at Secundus, and saw that he was wriggling around, sweating, and whimpering, a pained expression on his face. He was having a nightmare, which meant – Crap. Thorax had found out the hard way that Secundus could accidentally warp reality while having a nightmare, and it was rarely things he wanted to do. There was only one thing to do.
Thorax put his muzzle right next to Secundus’s ear, took a deep breath and shouted, “SEC!!!” at the top of his lungs, flying to the other end of the room in a flash.
Secundus screamed and sat up, putting a paw on his chest to slow down his heartrates. He glanced around the room. Thorax settled back down on the bed. “You’re ok, I’ve got you, it was just a bad dream…” he said in a tone you’d use to calm a frightened animal with.
“Y-you’re real?” Secundus asked. Thorax nodded. Secundus sighed. “I had a really bad dream. I’d never left earth; I’d just lived my life. That part wasn’t so bad. What scared me was that I knew I was married to you, but our life was just a couple of badly written fanfictions on my computer, and I’d never be able to get back here.” He chuckled. “I mean, if I had never left earth, I wouldn’t think I was married to you, but I knew I had been.”
“That … sounds kind of worse than it did at first. You’d know your whole life, either life, was a lie, right?” Secundus nodded. Thorax chuckled. “Well, thank goodness we’re not fictional characters in a strange story, right?” Before Secundus could reply, a brick dropped out of Nowhere, hitting Thorax right between the horn and antlers before falling on the bed between the two of them. “OW!” Thorax yelled. “WHERE THE-” he caught Secundus’s expression, “did that come from?” he finished lamely.
Secundus picked up the brick and sniffed it before he gave an annoyed growl. “Apparently the fourth wall is in a snarky mood, but just because you literally hit someone over the head with evidence doesn’t mean that they’ll see.”
“I’m sorry, what?” Thorax asked in confusion.
Secundus sighed. “It’s not important, and I’m sure it won’t happen again.” He tossed the brick up into the air where it disappeared. “Now, I would kiss it better, but you don’t have my legendarily thick skull or my healing factor, so odds are you have a concussion. I’m taking you to the hospital.”
Thorax was about to protest, but then he thought better of it. He nodded.
Secundus opened the door to find Albert standing outside with a messenger bag stashed full of sketch pads and drawing supplies. “Papa got hurt, so you’re going to the hospital, right?” Secundus nodded. “Can I come?” Secundus thought about it and nodded again.
“You want to spend the night in an E.R.?” Thorax asked in shock.
Albert shrugged. “I just want to get out of the Hive.”
Thorax chuckled. “Makes sense. Hang on, how did you even know I was hurt?”
“Albert just knows things sometimes,” Secundus replied. He pointed at the bag. “Still designing new species and worlds in your spare time?” Albert grinned and nodded. “You aren’t doing that instead of homework I hope,” Secundus grinned.
“You give more homework than my teachers ever did,” Albert grumbled.
Secundus nodded. “I’m your father, I’m supposed to give you more work.” He stuck his head out the door and whistled. Two of the night guard trotted over.
“Problem?” one of the drones asked.
“Thorax got hurt, I’m taking him to Ponyville General.”
“Can we come with?” the other guard begged with a pleading look. “Nothing ever happens here anymore!”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know that protecting my home from monsters would make things boring for the guard,” Secundus said, oozing sarcasm. “Yes, you two can come. Just don’t menace anypony.” The two guards saluted. “Right then!” The five of them headed off.
The morning after the trip to the E.R. Thorax was woken up by a kiss on his forehead. “Ow,” he muttered. “Still sore.” Luckily, he hadn’t been seriously injured.
“Heh. Whenever you’re ready to start the day then,” a voice whispered.
Thorax sat bolt upright, feeling wide awake and mildly terrified. That was a lot like Secundus’s voice, but it had a slightly different accent to it. Thorax glanced around the room. Sitting in a chair and grinning at him was a Draconequus that looked a lot like Secundus, except for the coloration. His mane and goatee were black, and his eyes were a honey gold. Mal. Thorax growled. “Where’s Sec?”
“He’s on business. A universe is ending, he has to go and be a witness. That’s the reason various versions of Death were getting together.”
“What?”
Mal cleared his throat. “It’s not important. Anyway, the point is, he left me in charge of his body, provided that I be on my best behavior. It’s a trial run for Hearths’warming. I swore on my mother’s grave to be a complete gentlestallion.”
“You don’t have a mother,” Thorax growled. Mal shrugged. “Why does Sec have to go see a universe end?”
“Because endings and beginnings are the same thing. Now that there’s a Spirit of Duality, they kind of need that perspective to help things.”
“Ooookkaaayyy … but why leave youhere?”
“It’s a tiny bit easier to not have to regrow a completely new body, and you wouldn’t want to see a universe end while you’ve got nerve endings and pain receptors. Sec can make a new body if he has to by just thinking about it, but he gets attached to the one he currently has, like a favorite t-shirt. He asked me to take care of it for him.”
“I keep meaning to ask, you always look almost exactly like Secundus if you’re both in the same shape, you just look more … uh…”
“Goth?” Mal said with a smirk. “Tell me about it. Poor kid was seven when he decided what I should look like, and he’d thought I was a demon. So … I got mildly demonic features, and a couple of really obvious tells that I’m me. My hair or fur’s always black, I always have eyes that are some shade of yellow, and I’m usually in monochrome. It’s kind of nice to be in color,” Mal said as he admired himself. “Anyway, since I’m supposed to be helping, would you like to take the day off while I do the paperwork? I’d rather not just sit and knit all day.”
“You’d know how to do it?”
Mal nodded. “Yep! Been watching for years. I actually helped Sec perfect his filing system.”
“It’s official royal paperwork, you wouldn’t do anything…?”
Mal shrugged. “Well, after I got the easy stuff out of the way I figured that I’d declare war on Yakyakistan, impose two-hundred percent tariffs on Griffonstone, mail Sombra my plan to help him retake the Crystal Empire by killing off the Armors, and then I’d sue the combined governments of Equestria. I can’t find a decent BLT anywhere!” Mal grinned slyly at Thorax’s horrified expression. “Joke. I’m just going to do the basic stuff.”
Thorax took several Deep Breaths. “You … certainly have Sec’s sense of humor.”
Mal nodded. “Of course. Now go take the day off. You deserve it.”
“You know where the office is?”
Mal rolled his eyes. “What part of ‘I see everything Sec does’ do you not understand? Honestly, you two are like rabbits sometimes.”
Thorax’s eyes widened. “Y-you’ve seen-?”
Mall rolled his eyes again. “Yes. I honestly wish I hadn’t. Now scoot or I’ll start spilling details.” Thorax quickly buzzed out of the room.
About an hour later, Thorax stuck his head into the office. “Hey, I was wondering-” What Mal said next chilled him.
“Oh, I could throw you in the lake, or feed you poisoned birthday cake, I won’t deny I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone. Oh, I could bury you alive, but you might crawl out with a knife and kill me while I’m sleeping; thhhaaaat’ss whyyy – I can’t decide whether you should live or die; Oh you’ll probably go to heaven, please don’t hang your head and cry. No wonder why my heart feels dead inside, It’s cold and hard and petrified; lock the doors and close the blinds, we’re going for a ride!”
Thorax realized that Mal was singing along with a record and not actually threatening to kill him. Songs about plotting murder should not be that sunny and bright! He crept over to the record player. The album sleeve read, “Mal’s Murder Mix.” “Huh. I wonder what-” Thorax turned around and was snout to snout with Mal, who was grinning hugely. “GAAAHHH!” Thorax screamed. He almost slapped Mal. “You and Sec really need to make sound when you move!” he shouted.
Mal winced. “Sorry. Sec used to say he needed a collar with a bell around his neck. Then we grew up and found out that for humans that’s pretty kink-” he cleared his throat, looking nauseous. “What can I do for you?”
“Just checking on you,” Thorax said.
Mal grinned. “I’m done! Sec should be home about-” *BAMF!* “now,” Mal finished as Secundus plopped into the chair.
“Hi Honey, I’m home,” Secundus said in a tired voice.
“How was it?”
“Pretty good, all things considered. I mean, a universe died, but it died peacefully. It’s interesting, when a universe we help dies, Draconequui hold a wake for it. A wake, but not a funeral. We sit up all night and tell our favorite stories about that universe and celebrate all the lives in it. It’s kind of cool.”
Mal cleared his throat, with a wide Cheshire grin.
“Ah. Yes. Of course,” Secundus said. He walked over to the door and stuck his head out. “Hey Albert! Do you want to have lunch with us?
Albert slithered in. “Sure, are we going somewhere?”
Secundus snapped his fingers and the four of them were in the kitchen in Secundus’s realm. He glared at Mal. “You’re lucky I could even find this stuff, I practically had to bribe Griffonstone.”
“Less talking, more cooking!” Mal commanded.
Secundus growled and his horn lit up as ingredients and cutlery began to fly around the room.
“Uh, what’s going on?” Thorax asked.
“Mal and I had a bet, the exact nature of which I decline to comment on, and I lost, so I owe him a meal of his choice, and there’s about only one food he’ll actually eat. Do you even want lettuce and tomato?” he asked Mal. Mal shrugged. “Albert, do you want one?” Albert nodded. Secundus started frying something in a large pan and the smell of cooking meat filled the room.
“What are you making?” Thorax asked, the smell making him slightly nauseous.
“Bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches, B.L.T. for short. They’re Mal’s favorite food, and Albert likes them too. Do you want veggies Albert?” Albert nodded. Secundus toasted eight pieces of bread, and in record time four BLTs were at the table. “Albert, would you mind saying grace?”
Albert nodded. “Grace,” he said before he began to dig in with savage ferocity.
Secundus was the only one taking slow bites. “Dig in!” he told Thorax.
“If you haven’t figured out that I’m a vegetarian after all this time, you clearly don’t know me.”
“Just try it!” Mal said.
“I’m not getting out of this, am I?” Mal shook his head. Thorax grumbled and took a bite out of his sandwich. His eyes widened. He chewed very slowly before he swallowed. In a somewhat shaky voice, he said, “You said you got this from Griffonstone?”
“Yeah, why?” Secundus said.
“I’m writing up a treaty with Griffonstone to get all the bacon,” Thorax said. Mal started to die laughing.
Secundus chuckled. He then looked serious. “Look, I know I say this all the time, but I want you all to know how much I love you.”
Garbunkle the Wise and Sir McBiggun were carefully navigating a jungle, keeping a watchful eye. Captain Wuzz was in another Plane on business, but they were joined by Cha’zix, a Changeish Rogue. As the three crept stealthily through the unforgiving terrain, far above them, another three people were doing something very different.
“Spike, that’s the fifth time you’ve sighed wearily, and you’re radiating apathy,” Thorax said with concern. “What’s up?”
Spike gave his dice a halfhearted roll. “I dunno. I guess … maybe Discord spoiled me. After living Ogres and Oubliettes for so long, playing with paper and dice just isn’t as fun as it used to be.”
“Nope,” Big Mac muttered gloomily.
Thorax grinned. “You know, if you want, I could get Secundus over here, and ask him to do it. All I’d have to do is scream.”
“That works?” Spike said with a raised eye ridge.
“You’d be amazed,” Thorax said with a smug grin.
Spike scratched the back of his head. “I don’t know if he would. I mean, last time didn’t exactly work out well.”
Thorax winced. “I heard. He’s … not always the nicest person, even though he tries to be.”
Spike chuckled. “Tell me about it.” He glanced at his character sheet. “I kind of have to wonder what his alignment would be if he were an O&O character.”
“True Neutral, heavily leaning towards chaotic neutral,” came Secundus’s voice.
Thorax’s eyes narrowed. “Have you been spying on us this whole time?”
“Not at all, I just heard my name being used in vain. What did you want?”
“Maybe you should tell him,” Big Mac said slowly. “I’m not going to do it.”
Spike sighed and ran a hand over his spikes. “Hey Sec? Would…” He strained to get the words out. “Wouldyoubeourdungeonmaster?” he said in one breath.
Secundus blurred into physical existence. “What?!” he asked in shock.
Spike sighed. “Look, I’d just like you to join us. I mean, the last time you DMed, you did kill us all, and we had to retcon the whole session, but you really got into character! It was kind of fun, … until it wasn’t.”
“When I was done, you said,” Secundus’s voice became a perfect impression of Spike’s, “’I HATE you, you bucking cheater! I am never playing with you again!!! GET OUT!!!!’” Secundus’s voice switched back to normal. “I actually did what I did legally, I just got abnormally high rolls. You really want me to DM again?!”
Spike nodded. “To be honest, I’m kind of running out of ideas,” he admitted.
“You ran out a long time ago!” Big Mac said with a grin. Big Mac didn’t speak very often, but he was comfortable enough here to express himself more.
“I mean, I still have the dungeon master’s guide,” Secundus said uncertainly, summoning it. “You all really want me to DM again? I swear I won’t kill you again. Intentionally.” He quickly added. The three nodded with wide grins. “Well, I mean, I guess I could come up with someth- Wait a second.” Secundus’s eyes narrowed. He pointed accusingly at Spike. “You just want me to bring the game to life, don’t you?!”
“I, uh, well…”
“Is that all I am to you, Spike? A way to make your outrageous fantasies momentarily real? I thought we were friends!!”
“We are friends!” Spike said quickly.
Secundus folded his arms and scoffed. “I mean, honestly! If you think I’m the kind of person who would go out of my way to bring a ridiculous, cheesy, geeky, underrated, cliché-spawning game to life … You’d be absolutely right!” he said with a grin. He snapped his fingers. “Boom.”
There was a flash of light, and the four of them were suddenly in the game in full costume. Secundus was floating in the air, dressed in a simple hooded robe, and had several sheets of paper and a set of black and white metal dice floating around him. He was busy scanning through a book. “And … done! What’s everyone’s AC again?” When they told him and he jotted it down, he said, “Whenever you’re-” *Pah-thoop!* An arrow whizzed out of the bushes and buried itself in his gazelle leg. “Oh, COME ON!” he shouted. He turned and glared at the bushes. “I’m the DM! I’m not even an NPC. Well, OK, I am, but … ARRGHH,” he growled.
“Sorry!” a voice in the bushes called. After an awkward pause, the voice said, “Is it too late to roll for stealth?”
“Just a little,” Secundus said with an eye roll.
“Right,” the voice said. The bushes rustled and three stallions stepped out. Rather than the animated cardboard cutouts Discord used, these were three genuine, not flesh and blood, skeleton ponies.
The skeleton on the left said, “Shall we charge them Skullcrusher?”
The skeleton on the right nodded. “Whenever you’re ready Spinesnapper.”
The skeleton in the middle sighed. “I dunno. Charging the heroes just seems so cliché. Now that we’re three dimensional, couldn’t our characters have depth as well?”
Spinesnapper sighed wearily. “You’re overthinking it Bob.” He drew his sword. “Stick with the basics of villainy, I always say. CHARGE!!!” The three skeletons rushed at the heroes, who screamed, turned tail and ran, Secundus floating with them.
“Hey, Spike,” Secundus said with a wicked grin. “Discord tells me you once asked if you could date one of the henchponies. If you want, I could make things a little more three dimensional for you,” he said, making a couple of parabolas with his paws.
“SHUT UP!!” Spike screamed as he ran for his life.
“Uh, you know you have more actions than ‘Flee,’ right?” Secundus said uncertainly. He pointed at Spike’s staff.
“Oh, duh! I have magic!” Spike said. He turned around. The skeleton ponies were in hot pursuit and closing in. “I … I … I cast ‘Frostbane!’”
“What’s your spell save DC?” Secundus asked, grabbing his d20.
“Nineteen,” Spike said smugly.
Secundus’s eyes widened. “Crap.” He rolled his die and facepawed when he got a two. “Fire when ready!”
Spike slammed his staff into the ground. “SHAZAM!!!”
It was as though a portal to the Everfrost had opened up. Pure ice magic blasted out of Spike’s staff and froze everything in a forty-foot cone in front of him. The ice the skeleton ponies was in then shattered.
Secundus’s jaw had dropped open. “WHAT SLOT DID YOU USE FOR THAT?!!”
“Uh … eighth?”
Secundus facepawed. “Spike … don’t waste your highest spell slots on early mooks!”
“So, any idea where Schmarity is?” Spike asked.
“You’re not rescuing Schmarity this time,” Secundus said, “You’ve done that every time you’ve played, so I’ve changed things up.”
“So who are we fighting?” Spike asked.
Secundus looked affronted. “I’m not telling you that!”
A door appeared to the rest of the Castle and Twilight stepped through. “Hey! I was just wondering if-” The world swam, and Twilight shook his head. “Whoa,” Dusk Shine said. “I feel weird! Why is my voice deeper? And why do I suddenly want to learn everything there is to know about hoofball theory?” he said, tapping his chin. It was at that point that Dusk Shine realized that he was in fact, a he. “SECUNDUS!” he roared. “What. Did. You. DO?!!”
Secundus had the good grace to look ashamed. “Sorry, Twi. I take ‘Guy’s Night’ incredibly literally. You’re welcome to stay and play, you just have to be a guy to do so.”
Fire shot out of Dusk’s nose. “If you don’t change me back, right now, I’ll-”
“It’s an area of effect spell, once you leave the room, you’ll be fine.”
Dusk growled.
Sombra stepped into the room as well. “I was wondering if-” he caught sight of Dusk Shine and blushed, stammering incoherently.
“What?” Dusk snapped.
“I’m kind of questioning my preferences, because I find you incredibly hot as a stallion, and I’m straight,” Sombra admitted.
“I think it’s just because it’s Twilight,” Secundus said, “Don’t worry, I’m not corrupting you. What did you want?”
“I was wondering if I could play next time?” Sombra asked.
“You’d have to ask Spike.”
Spike nodded. “Sure, we’d love you! I wish you’d started playing years ago!”
“What did you want Dusk, I mean Twilight!” Secundus said.
Dusk sighed. “I was just wondering if you wanted snacks. I’ll leave you to it. I had better be back to normal when I walk out this door,” he threatened.
Secundus nodded. “Promise!”
The two walked out. Secundus got back to narrating. “The skeleton bandits vanquished; you head further into the woods!”
“Come on!” Thorax said. He and Spike took off, Secundus floating with them.
Big Mac scrambled to keep up. “Hey!” he called, waving his hooves. “I can’t fly!”
“Sorry!” Secundus called. He floated down and pulled at his half beard in thought. “A-ha! You stumble across a mysterious chest.” *Whud* “OK, you trip over a mysterious chest,” he corrected. “Sorry.”
“OW.” Big Mac muttered.
Once Big Mac had gotten up, Secundus said, “This random chest is inscribed with ancient runes which Garbunkle is able to translate as reading … ‘I got what ya need, Dawg?!’” Secundus narrated in disbelief. He cleared his throat. “Either this is an honest and totes rad chest, or it is a shifter and will messily devour you alive. If I remember right, Cha’zix has a set of lockpicking tools, don’t you?” Thorax nodded and hoofed them over. “What do you do?”
“I … uh … I pick the lock,” Big Mac said uncertainly. He did so, and quickly stepped back. Inside was a red cloak.
“You have found a Cloak of Levitation! Congratulations!” Secundus fastened it around Big Mac’s neck. “OK, just think where you want to fly, got it?”
Big Mac almost instantly got the hang of flight, turning barrel rolls and laughing with joy. The four friends grinned, and headed off to see what the rest of their adventure would bring them.
About three hours later, the four of them trotted out of the room. Big Mac’s armor was dented, Thorax’s cloak was slashed, and Secundus was trying to beat small flames out of Spike’s singed clothing. It mostly worked.
“Whoa…” Thorax said “That… that … was…”
“AWESOME!!!” Spike shouted
“EEYUP!!” Big Mac exclaimed with a wide grin.
Spike gave Secundus a confused look. “Uh, was all that even legal?”
Secundus looked affronted. “I’m the DM, aren’t I? My word in the game is law, right up until someone’s dice decide otherwise. Trust me, that was legal. It’s not my fault I prefer homebrew to original,” he muttered, “the original’s too limited.” He looked hopeful. “Same time next week?” he asked with a pleading expression.
Big Mac scratched the back of his head, “Uh, that’s not really great for me.”
“Same time next month?” The other three looked at each other and nodded with wide grins. “Perfect,” Secundus said in a sinister voice, his shadow growing as he rubbed his paws together evilly. He dropped the persona as he realized an important factor. “Uh, will Discord be OK with my being the DM?”
“Trust me, playing a mission like that compared to what we normally do, he’ll like it,” Spike said with a grin. “He might even steal your thunder.”
Secundus chuckled. “Well, for coming up with that off the top of my head, that was … fun. Catch you guys later? Are you coming home my liege lord, or are you coming back later?” he asked Thorax.
Thorax rolled his eyes. “Quit with the ‘my lords’ around me, all right?”
Secundus shrugged. “You were King first. I just hang around the Hive and irritate everybody.”
“No, you don’t,” Thorax said with a smile.
“You’re right. I also double as eye candy.” Thorax rolled his eyes. “Thus ends my contributions to my Kingdom.”
“Sec,” Thorax groaned.
Secundus chuckled. “All right. Home?” Thorax nodded. Secundus remembered something. “Hey, Spike!”
Spike turned back. “Yeah?”
“I um … have a friend who’d like to play. Not now, but later, when I’ll need him too. He’s … a bit of a pawful. Is that OK?”
Spike nodded. “Sure! The more the merrier! Any idea when he’ll be playing?”
“Next spring.”
“What type of character does he have?”
“Hang on and I’ll ask him.” Secundus concentrated for a minute. “You WOULD play a chaotic evil warlock!” he snapped. “No evil characters, all right? Just play as an extreme version of chaotic neutral.” He caught everyone’s expression. “Sorry. Just … talking to myself again.”
Secundus spotted Sombra. “Is Twilight back to normal?”
Sombra nodded. “I forget how you do the exact words thing so well,” he said with a smirk. “She’s still mad at you.”
Secundus nodded, knowing he deserved it. “Hey. Could you do me a favor? It’s nothing harmful or demeaning,” he added quickly.
Sombra nodded. “I suppose, yes. What do you want?”
“Strike a pose, and in your snobbiest tone of voice say, ‘I will do it my way!!’”
Sombra looked confused, but decided to humor Secundus. He struck a dramatic pose, and in a tone of voice befitting a (former) ruthless tyrant he said, “I will do it my way!”
Secundus snickered. “Yeah, your voice is much less goofy here. And at least half an octave lower. The reason I asked you to do that is that I had this very strange dream the other night that took place in an alternate universe where I didn’t exist. Discord brought you back to life and brought the remaining villains together in some harebrained scheme to help Twilight advance, and, well….” He cleared his throat. “You sounded like this,” he said in a perfect impression of Sombra from Season Nine.
Sombra snorted in amusement. “Was I going through puberty?” he asked with an evil grin.
Secundus shrugged. “Who knows. You were also vaporized. Again. That tends to happen to you.”
“So I’ve noticed,” Sombra said drily. “Thank heaven a mildly insane Draconequus took pity on me, or I’d probably be dead. Again. It wasn’t much fun the first time,” he said, every word of those sentences oozing smarm.
Secundus chuckled. He rubbed the back of his neck, ruffling his mane slightly. “Yeah. I’m glad we’re friends. It’s nice to have a friend you can make half-baked schemes for world domination over cookies with.”
Sombra nodded. Secundus spotted Spike, and realized he’d missed something obvious. With all of his usual subtlety and tact, he pulled out a tape measure and measured Spike, bending down to examine the result. “‘Spike T. Dragon, practically perfect in-’ Sorry, wrong tape measure.” He threw it aside and tried again. “Huh, you’re six and a half inches taller than you were last month. Nice! Pretty soon you’ll be beating them off with a baseball bat! The growing pains must be horrific, you and Albert should get together and commiserate sometime. Every once in a while, he screams the Hive down, usually at 4 a.m. I can’t exactly blame him, he really hurts.”
Spike nodded. “Yeah, it’s … not fun. At least I’m getting older! I’m going to be even more of a stud in a few years! I mean, what mare wouldn’t want some of this?” he said, flexing in an exaggerated manner. He looked up and saw that Thorax and Secundus’s faces were bright red. “What?” he asked in confusion.
“I didn’t see anything!” Secundus said at the exact time Thorax said, “Good for you, I’m sure you’ll be great!” With a “Foomph!” sound, Thorax’s wings shot open, his face turning beet red. Secundus facepawed. “Give me strength, O Lord. Come on, Moosey, I’ll buy you an ice cream cone on the way home.”
“Uh huh,” Thorax said, Secundus dragging him away as his butt scooted on the ground.
“What the hay was that?!” Spike asked.
“I’ll … tell you when you’re older,” Sombra said uncomfortably.
Thorax came downstairs one morning to find Secundus had turned a chamber into what looked like a witch doctor’s hut. Bundles of herbs and bottles containing strange substances lined the walls. Secundus was wearing a wizard’s hat and stirring a large cauldron with a spoon, about a million candles covering every surface adding a mysterious ambience.
“What’s up?”
“I’m making Albert a potion to turn him into a pony for a day.”
“Why?”
“Because he asked me to, and because making a potion is actually safer for him than me just snapping my fingers. He wants to go to Ponyville and hang with his friends. I thought I could give him a day to see what he thinks, that’s all. I don’t think he’s broken or anything, he’s just mad because he’s the only creature in the Hive who can’t shapeshift. I don’t blame him. Wouldn’t you want to spend at least a day in another shape?”
Thorax chuckled. “Sec, you don’t have to defend it that much. That’s really nice of you to do. It’s not dangerous or anything, is it?”
Secundus shook his head. “No, worse case it’ll make him grow gills and we shove him into the pond for a day. If he needs saltwater, San Franciscolt’s nice this time of year. It won’t come to that, I actually know what I’m doing.”
“Ok. … And the candles and voodoo are for…?”
“It’s atmospheric!” Secundus said, shocked that Thorax needed to ask. “Anyway, it’s not Voodoo.”
“If you’re sure.”
Secundus gave Albert the potion and watched the effects with interest. The effect was almost instantaneous, one second Albert was his usual snaky self, and the next a light grey earth colt with a spiky black mane and lilac irises was looking at Secundus. He took a step forward and nearly fell flat on his face. Secundus caught him just in time. “Sorry! I forget you’re not used to legs. Move the opposite back leg as you move the front leg.”
It took Albert a few wobbly tries, but pretty soon he was cantering around the Hive. “Thanks! How long will this last?”
Secundus grinned. “Till sundown. Bippidy Boppidy Boo. Get out of here, I’m sure your friends are waiting.”
Albert let out an excited whiny. “Heh! Cool! I’m a pony!” he dashed off to catch the portal to Ponyville.
Secundus shook his head. “Ah, he’s growing up too quickly.”
“Those are your genes, not mine,” Thorax said.
Secundus chuckled. “I know, I know. Want to hang out?”
“‘Hang out?’” Thorax asked with a chuckle. “You really need to learn to not try to be hip. I’d love to, but I have work. I should be free around three.”
“Duly noted,” Secundus said with a smile.
At exactly 3 p.m., a skinny black and white tomcat with blue eyes walked into the office, and started butting his head against Thorax’s leg, meowing in complaint. Thorax chuckled. “Sorry, I guess I’ve been ignoring you. Let’s fix that.” He telekinetically picked up the cat, who went completely limp and stretched out the way every cat does when they’re picked up against their will. The cat shot Thorax an irritated look that clearly said, Really?
Thorax took the cat into Secundus’s “throne room” and sat in the rocking chair, gently rocking back and forth as he began to pet the cat. Shortly after he started, the cat melted into a puddle of happiness, purring like an engine. Thorax chuckled. “What is it with you and cats?”
Secundus shrugged. “According to my friends on Earth, I was basically a giant cat on two legs. Besides, cats are awesome. A little to the left, minion.”
“Minion?!” Thorax snapped.
Secundus looked embarrassed, insofar as a cat could look embarrassed. He cleared his throat. “Sorry. Cats don’t have a word for ‘owner.’ You can’t own a cat, you can only serve one.”
Thorax rolled his eyes. “True that.”
“You know I love you…” Secundus teased. He licked Thorax on the nose with his sandpaper tongue, a sign of either affection or you tasting like chicken. Thorax chuckled.
Albert trotted into the room, his grin almost splitting his face open. “I had an amazing day!!! I got to play buckball and go apple picking and have a hayride and go to the library-”
“Sounds fun!” Thorax said.
“I even got to go to this really cool comic shop Spike told me about and get a one of a kind Batmane comic!” Albert almost shouted, his grin somehow getting wider.
“Cool!” Thorax said encouragingly. Secundus’s eyes widened, and he popped back into his shape, landing back on Thorax’s lap. “Ow!” Thorax said.
“Sorry dear,” Secundus said quickly. He clambered to his hindpaw and hoof. “What comic shop?” he asked forcefully.
Albert shrugged. “Something enchanted?”
Secundus held out a paw. “Albert, give me that comic RIGHT NO-”
“Hey, there’s something written here! Enjoying this story? Take a look! You can leave once you’ve finished the book.”
Secundus facepawed. “If we survive this, I’m writing an angry letter.” The comic fluttered open, the pages lighting up with white light.
“What’d I do?” Albert asked.
“You didn’t do anything, it’s - ALBERT!!” Secundus shouted as Albert was pulled headfirst into the comic. Secundus gripped the end of Albert’s tail and pulled with all of his might. His super strength wasn’t helping much. “A little help here?” he asked Thorax. He was then pulled up to his shoulder into the comic, his head and neck quickly following. Thorax grabbed Secundus’s tails and heaved with all his might, wings buzzing furiously, but the next thing he knew, he was pulled in too.
Albert sat up, feeling groggy. “Urgh,” he muttered in a much deeper voice. He glanced up. “Papa?!” he asked in shock. Thorax was dressed in a sleek dark blue supersuit with an opening for his wings, a domino mask, and a high tech gadget belt. The silhouette of an owl adorned his chest. Thorax nodded. Albert glanced down at himself, and saw that he was dressed in a shadow-black supersuit with a long cape shaped like bat wings, and a utility belt. He was pretty sure he was wearing Batmane’s cowl as well.
“Holy cheese, Batmane, I’m Sparrow,” came Secundus’s voices in a ‘please kill me now’ sort of monotone.
Albert glanced over and saw that Secundus was dressed in a light tan suit emblazed with an “S,” a feathery cape, a domino mask, and a pair of green short so short they were basically a speedo. Secundus folded his arms and glared. “You tell anybody about this, you’re dead, got it?”
“So you’re Sparrow, Papa’s Nightowl, and I’m Batmane?!” Albert asked in shock. Secundus nodded. “And we’re inside the comic?”
Secundus grinned. “The Enchanted Comic Shop thanks you for your patronage. Welcome to San Goth. The only way out of here is to complete the story. Any ideas on how to do that?”
Albert shook his head. Just then his communicator beeped. He fumbled with it for a second. “Uh, Alb- Batmane speaking.”
“Batmane! This is the commissioner! Meet me at the morgue, stat!”
“Sure thing! We’ll take my car!” Albert said with a smirk that was terrible to behold.
Secundus looked terrified, before he elbowed Thorax. “Honey! Our sort-of sixteen-year-old is going to drive for the first time with us in the car! This is a rite of passage for human parents, I’ve been dreading this for years.”
“Uh… can you drive?” Thorax asked, terror flooding off of him.
“From what Spike told me, you inherit the skills of the characters. Yes, Albert can drive, for the moment at least. Whether he should is another matter, but I never learned, and Sparrow isn’t allowed to drive the Batmanebile unsupervised. Nightowl can drive it, so if you want to…” Thorax shook his head, looking like he was about to pass out. Secundus didn’t look much better.
Albert cackled and pressed the button to summon the Batmanebile. Minutes later, it pulled to a stop in front of the trio. Thorax held Secundus’s door open before clambering into the passenger side. Secundus looked around and sighed. “Well, at least I’m not in a booster seat.”
“Sparrow does a lot of good!” Albert said, “He’s just … a bit inexperienced.”
“He’s right,” Thorax said, “Mind you, Nightowl gets the grown-up jobs. And the mares,” he said with a smirk.
“Just start the car,” Secundus groaned.
Albert nodded. “How do you start this thing?” He pushed a button at random. “Just like that!” he shouted as the car went from zero to sixty in three seconds. Albert did his best to steer, and quickly got the hang of it, Batmane’s instincts kicking in. Albert rolled the roof open and whooped with joy. “THIS. IS. AWESOME!!!!” he shouted.
“Albert, you’re running out of road!” Secundus shouted in (im)mortal terror.
Albert smiled like a snake. He pushed a button on the dash and the car began to rumble. “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.” The car shot into the sky, Albert turning cartwheels in the air as he learned how to fly the now Batmaneplane. “HELLO SAN GOTH!!” Albert shouted with joy.
“GOODBYE LUNCH!” his fathers yelled together.
“In 300 feet, turn left and descend 20 feet,” the Batmanebile’s navigation guide said helpfully.
The plane quickly landed in front of the San Goth Morgue, gently coming to a halt. The three got out of the car, Thorax stumbling a bit. Albert pushed a button on his communicator, and the Batmanebile turned back into a car and locked itself. They headed in quickly and were met by the Commissioner, a no-nonsense stallion in a tan coat with an epic mustache.
“Glad you could make it. I’m worried about the city, this looks like the work of one of your enemies.” He pushed open the door, the smell of formaldehyde and preserved meat flooding the trio’s nostrils. Albert looked sick. The Commissioner tossed a newspaper, which Albert caught. “Lady August was murdered last night, shortly after a break in.”
Secundus examined the paper. “They used an express train brake to kick her door open. Break in, I get it. What did they steal?”
“The Diamond Jubilee.” The Diamond Jubilee was San Goth’s most valuable gem, a polished diamond the size of a grapefruit with a warm magical flame contained in the center.
The Commissioner continued. “The nature of her murder was … ah … theatrical.” He whipped open a cloth covering a body on a slab. Her Ladyship had been sawn in half. Messily.
Albert threw up in a bucket by the door. Secundus winced. “Sorry, he’s never seen a corpse before.” The Commissioner looked confused. “I mean, of course Batmane’s seen a corpse before, just not a corpse killed in this exact manner.” The Commissioner relaxed.
“You’ve seen a corpse before?!” Thorax hissed. Secundus nodded, almost imperceptibly “Oy, vey.”
“We have the murder weapon,” the Commissioner continued, “No forensics, sadly, but it’s a pretty unique weapon.” He held it up. The saw looked like a lumberjack’s saw, but it was curved, almost into a complete circle. It wasn’t a practical weapon at all.
“What is that?” Albert asked.
“It’s a C-saw,” Secundus said. His eyes widened. “Oh no. Break in, C-saw, Diamond Jubilee …”
Thorax nodded. “This could only be the work of-”
“The Punster,” Albert finished, his cape billowing dramatically indoors.
The Punster was Batmane’s chief enemy, a twisted, fiendish clown with the ability to make his horrendous puns come to life.
“Well, he’s usually hidden in his lair, the abandoned Amazeing Labyrinth theme park. Let’s start there,” Thorax said.
“Nerd,” Secundus said with a grin.
“Oh, you’re so cool,” Thorax said, tongue flicking out.
“I just meant I’m proud of you,” Secundus said with a smile, “You know about Albert’s favorite comic enough to help him live it. Don’t worry Commissioner, we’ll get him!” Secundus said with a salute.
The theme park was a truly decrepit place, the joy of foalhood turned into a wasteland where a nightmare could be around any corner. The trio crept quietly, checking every corner for traps. They were almost to the center, when …
“WHOA!!!” Secundus shouted as the three of them were scooped up in something and hauled into the air He sniffed. “Fish?” he asked in shock. They were tied up in what looked like rope made from various aquatic species instead of fibers. “Oh. Duh. It’s a fishnet. Good one,” he snickered. He glanced around. “Not much of a trap, I could just eat my way out of here, look there’s even calamari.”
“Shocking that it’s so simple, isn’t it?” a voice asked from the shadows. The three heroes shouted in pain as they were jolted with electricity. A bomb was tossed under the net, ticking quickly. “I brought a little house warming gift for you, Batmane, it’s sure to end your night with a bang! I - … Oh, thank God, it’s you three,” the voice said with relief. “Saving your presence. Hang on and I’ll cut you down.” The bomb was swiped back into the shadows and quickly defused, and the three heroes were dumped unceremoniously on the ground. Secundus grabbed a hunk of salmon and tore in happily.
A stallion stepped out of the shadows, grinning nervously. He looked like the Punster, except for the fact that he was in monochrome and had black hair, yellow eyes, and fangs.
“MAL?!!” Thorax asked in shock.
“In person!” Mal said with a bow. “I got sucked in here too, although a few hours ahead of you in the timeline. Nice to see you’ve made it!”
“You’re the Punster?” Albert asked.
“Who did you expect me to be, Felidaemare?” Mal chuckled. “Just so you know, I didn’t saw that mare in half, that happened before I took the part over. I’ve been having fun too! Oh, that reminds me, I’ve got a forty megaton thaumonuclear bomb hidden in the heart of town. It punches a hole in the universe and lets pure chaos into the world. San Goth won’t survive. Fun, right?”
“That’s both terrifying and slightly impressive,” Secundus said.
“Well, it took all morning to invent,” Mal said with a modest shrug.
“You put a bomb in the middle of the city?!” Thorax asked in shock.
“It’s the classic ‘You can either catch me, or, you can save the city/your friends/your sidekick/your little dog too’ routine,” Mal said in a reasonable tone. “They teach that the first week of Villain 101.”
“I think you’re a little too good at this job,” Secundus said in an angry tone.
“Yeah…” Mal grinned wickedly. “I really blew myself away!” Wind whipped through the maze and Mal began to rise a few feet above them, until he was suddenly blown away to make his escape like a dainty balloon of fifty percent evil.
Secundus sighed. “Right. Thorax? We’ve got a bomb to locate and disable. Albert, you’re Batmane, you stop him, before he does something I’ll really regret. Thorax, you’re driving.”
“I can’t drive!” Thorax shouted.
“Yes, you can,” Secundus said.
“How am I supposed to stop Mal?!” Albert asked in shock.
“Have you ever read Batmane? He’s the Punster,” Secundus said.
“Oh, duh! Batmane just always outpuns him!”
Secundus put a paw on Albert’s withers and in a paternal tone said, “Son? Go forth and do me proud. Let’s go Nightowl!” Albert’s parents dashed out of the maze, Albert hot on their heels. The two older “sidekicks” hopped into the Batmanebile and screeched off into the night. Albert wasn’t sure where to start looking, San Goth was huge.
He tapped his chin with a hoof. “Hmm…. If I were Mal as the Punster, where would I go? Mal’s part of Dad, but he’s his opposite in some ways …” It clicked. “I’d go to the library, where I could find more puns to use.” He spoke to his Batcave computer. “Alexi? Where’s the largest library in San Goth?”
“In one quarter mile, turn left. Your destination will be on the right.” the automated voice responded smoothly. Albert galloped as fast as he could, skidding to a halt outside the library. “You have arrived at your destination.
Albert stared in shock. Gigantic snakes made of books were coiling around the outside of the library, blocking anycreature from coming in. No, not snakes. “Bookworms,” Albert groaned. “That just hurts. MAL!” he shouted. “Come out!”
Mal trotted out of the doors, head held high. “I just wanted to find a new lair. I’m heading to rob the bakery next, I really need some dough.” Bread dough rained down, splatting onto the ground.
“That’s the yeast creative pun you could have come up with!” Albert ground. The dough rose.
“I don’t know, I think I’m on a roll!” The dough all baked into rolls in about five seconds, Mal on top of a giant roll.
Albert thought quickly. “Two hot-cross puns in a row. Wow, you’re really on fire tonight!”
*WHOOMPH!* “Aaauuughhh!” Mal screamed, “Put me out! Put me out!”
“Snow problem,” Alberet replied.
*WHUMP* “Thanks,” Mal muttered from under the snowbank that had fallen on top of him.
Albert grinned, remembering the bits of the O&O Player’s Hoofbook he’d read. “Did you hear about the metallic Drake who joined the police force? He’s a Copper Dragon.”
A Dragon ran up and hauled Mal out of the snowbank, quickly cuffing his hoofs and taping his mouth shut. “You’re done punning today, Punster!” Mal was quickly dragged away to Miskatonic Asylum for the Criminally Wacko.
“Nicely done!” came Secundus’s voice. He held up a bomb the size of a tennis ball. “‘Though she be but little, she is fierce.’ I think we can go home now. Mal’ll be back in my head in a few seconds.” True to Secundus’s word, bright white light surrounded them. Albert felt something rooting through his utility belt, and the next moment the family was back in the Changeling Hive, all back to normal. Secundus cackled. “I got it!” He held up a familiar object. “Did you really think I’d pass up the chance to collect a genuine Batarang instead of a replica? So! We saved San Goth from certain doom, and Albert outpunned me, technically. This calls for a celebration! Albert, do you want to see more of the multiverse?”
“Yeah!” Albert said with a smile.
“Great! We’re going to Devonia for diner. Charming little world, they think they’re the only intelligent life in their universe. I’ll explain etiquette on the way.” With that, the family headed out.
