Spike Writes a Book: The Only Chapter
It was a bright and sunny day in Ponyville, as it always was because the story always starts with a bright sunny day. Like I mean really I get most days start off sunny but not like every day. Sometimes there’s a rain storm scheduled to start early in the morning so it’s cloudy on those days but you never hear a story start with, “The day started out dark and stormy, signaling a turbulent day ahead.” It just doesn’t happen and I wish some authors would take a little liberty with the beginning of their novels. Another peeve of mine is when like there’s just so much exposition in the beginning. Who honestly reads a book so that they can get twenty whole pages of nothing happening, let the reader figure out how the world works by example, not by holding their hand and pointing at every little piece and explaining it’s existence. Like I get there’s some things that you have to go into detail about but for real, it’s not like you’re pandering to an audience of imbeciles.
Right, so it was another sunny day in Ponyville and there was another monster because there’s always another monster in Ponyville. It was like a hydra or something, except this time it was...red? Yeah, sure, it was red, that’s an intimidating color. So there’s a red hydra and it’s attacking Ponyville and there’s ponies running and screaming everywhere. And then boom, the Elements of Harmony appear, with Twilight at the front, and the reat of the crew taking a pyramid formation behind her. They launch into action and begin fighting the hydra and it’s all over in about twenty seconds. It was pretty cool. Probably.
With the hydra defeated it was time for them to head home for the day, but suddenly-
“Okay, Spike, first of all, what in the world.” Twilight lifted her head from the manuscript on the desk in front of her to look at Spike.
“What, do you not like it,” he asked, standing on his tip-toes and peering over the desk.
Twilight sighed and turned to the page in front of her, “I mean it’s written okay, it just feels a little...bland, and rushed.” She glanced at Spike again, “Look, like I said, it’s not terrible, it just needs a little...help. Like take this part for example, ‘And then I showed up to help them, my wings flarin-‘ Woah, wait, you mean to tell me that you wrote a self-insert story centered around the lives of your friends whereupon you have wings and are also the hero of the story.”
Spike looked pretty much everywhere but at Twilight, “...maybe.”
Twilight had a perplexed expression on her face. On one hoof, Spike’s story was bad, it was simply a fact. On the other hoof, it gave Twilight something to think about. Here Spike was, writing, at least on a fundamental level, and he was showing her while asking for help. It almost seemed as if he was...growing up. Twilight thought for a moment before turning back to Spike and saying-
Celestia pulled her head out of the book she was reading, blinking hard as if she wasn’t entirely sure where she was. Across the table her sister Luna was reading her expression carefully.
“Okay so excuse me but you say this came from where exactly,” Celestia asked.
“It was in the archives, I’m telling you. I went in there to check on how my mang-I mean how the books were and this was just laying in the middle of the floor,” Luna replied, looking down at the hardcover manual in Celestia’s hooves.
“It just doesn’t make any sense why this would exist, it seems like a recounting of Twilight’s life. Or at least parts of it,” Celestia said while looking out the balcony to her room before focusing on the book again. “Like take this for example, ‘With a huff Twilight sat up and lit the bedroom with a spell, shouting, “IF YOU TWO ARE GOING TO BANG AT LEAST FIND ANOTHER ROOM THAT I’M NOT IN.”’”
Both of the princesses raised an eyebrow at that, looking at each other across the table. Luna smacked her lips before saying, “Well her life certainly sounds interesting even when things aren’t about to blow up.”
“Yeah, if I didn’t know any better I’d think that she’s had a few adventures she hasn’t told us about,” Celestia mumbled as she flipped through some more pages, her eyebrow lifting a bit higher upon stopping on a certain page.
“What is it,” Luna questioned before walking over and looking at the book, her eyebrow raising as well.
“How would she even fit that in-“
A knock on her window caused Rainbow Dash to jolt, the book in her hooves falling to the floor. She quickly scrambled out of the bed and shoved the book underneath of the pillow before moving over to the window and opening it, looking out.
“Hi Dashie, I know you were busy but I need help with a thing, like right now.” It was Pinkie, on a flying contraption. Because of course she was, it’s Pinkie.
“Uhh, yeah, sure Pinkie, what do you need,” Rainbow asked, trying to calm her racing heart.
“Oh, nothing really, we just need to do something interesting enough so we can get another hundred or so words in, gotta hit that 1,000 word mark,” the pink pony responded cheerfully.
“I’m sorry, what? Nothing you just said made any sense,” Rainbow argued before rolling her eyes. “Whatever, let’s just get going.”
“Okie dokie lo-“
You look up from your device. The bright light from your screen causes you to squint into the relative darkness of your room as you try to process what the actual fuck you just read. Your forehead creases as you try to find some meaning or message behind the words you just read before failing and giving up. Some things serve a purpose that will never be understood by anyone. You turn off your device and turn over to go to sleep, but you can’t get the sorry excuse for a story you just read out of your mind.
With a sigh you turn over and turn your device on, going back into the breach once more.