Celestia feels guilt and regret-- things her sister knows too well.
They all idolized Celestia, and she could never understand why.
Why would they praise her, why would they shower her with such adoration and glory? Celestia knew she didn't deserve it. But still, she could never bring herself to tell them the truth. She was far too selfish, far too cowardly to ever let them see who she really was--
Just a pony. A pony who made lifetimes of mistakes that still weigh heavy on her shoulders. Would her subjects accept her that way?
Maybe, just maybe, Luna can help the sun princess see the light.
Celestia didn't quite now how it had gotten to this point.
Her rise to power, the sudden fame and glory thrust upon her all seemed like a blur. It was almost as if she had become famous overnight. She knew that wasn't true, of course, but as time went on the past seemed to muddle and blur in her mind. Celestia remembered, however, how very young she was-- To young, it would seem, to be a proper ruler. Sometimes she would curse cruel fate for hindering the freedom of her and Luna... Why, they were only youths.
She herself was a naive, selfish, frivolous young mare back then, finding no pleasure in the mundane tasks of royalty and having no heart for her subjects. Luna was wise beyond her years, yes, but with no rein on her emotions and a fluctuating self-esteem. Celestia was not fit to rule, and it would be almost cruel to force Luna in such a position. It was duty, after all, that caused such a deep evil to possess her sister-- a mere teenager, young and afraid.
To think, back then, that Equestria laid in the hooves of mere teenagers. It was unfair.
Still, it perplexed Celestia to think that her young, foolish self gained so much love an adoration. She surely didn't deserve it. Yet all her subjects idolized her, some even calling her a goddess with the strength and power akin to the sun itself.
She thought of all the stained-glass murals, extravagant celebrations, and gilded silk banners, and smiled sadly to herself. The ponies of Equestria made them all for her, and she let them. Celestia let them sweat and toil over masterpieces depicting the sun princess' sovereignty, might, and compassion; she let them carve her face in stone and write her name on walls. She let them worship a being that didn't even exist.
Celestia never was a goddess, some days she didn't even feel adequate enough to be a princess. Sometimes she wanted to throw her golden crown in the dirt, to tell everyone that she was never worthy of any praise, to tell them all the truth. But, deep down, she knew that would never happen. She relished the limelight far too much, the praise, the love, the adoration surrounding her in every distracted her from the guilt. The pedestal she sat atop was one of the only things that put a smile on her lips, even if only for a fleeting moment.
The praise-- the praise was like a drug to her, and she couldn't get enough of it. Celestia needed to fill the hole of her own shame and inadequacy with the approval of others. What would they all think if they knew that their beloved "Sun Goddess" desperately sought their love, however fleeting? How she needed it in order to live with herself and all of the regret? How... How she was willing to do anything-- lie, pretend-- to keep their approval?
They would reject her, no doubt, and that was what Celestia was afraid of. What would they all think when they found out that their ruler, the Sun Goddess herself, was far from the noble they thought she was? She was their angel, their protector, their sovereign. In their eyes, she was the very pinnacle of perfection. Oh, her sweet, naive little ponies; little did they know, their idolization was her vice, their pedestal her prison.
Even Luna, at times, saw her sister through the haze of rose-colored glass. Celestia's heart ached whenever she thought about how, in the past, Luna had seen her sister as a better, almost holier pony. An angel. An angel that was better than her in every way, which was why she and her precious light were so better loved than the inky black of night ever could be. And from that sprung the resentment and hatred cultivating in the lunar sister's psyche.
Poor Luna's downfall was indeed Celestia's doing; she was certain of that fact. It yet another mistake, twisted and turned into a grand victory and yet another stained-glass mural, for her to see every single day of her life-- and now, for Luna to see for the rest of her life. It was, indeed, Celestia's greatest failure, which was why she tried to turn it into her greatest victory. All the murals decorating the walls fooled everypony into thinking all the Princess' mistakes were great victories and great strides for Equestria, they were beautiful pieces of artwork depicting their ruler's bravery and nobilty. For Celestia, however, all the murals reminded her of were old wounds and old mistakes.
She had let everypony believe those lies, and she knew it. Celestia kept telling herself that she was doing the right thing, that it was far too late to correct them. They weren't really lies, were they? She did save them all, didn't she? Not really, no, not truly. She hated herself for hiding behind all the lies and exaggerations, and everyday the shame and guilt would eat away at her being, gnawing away at her psyche. And what did she do to stop it? Nothing. She was too pathetic, too weak to free the truth and free herself.
No, Celestia. You can still make things right. She thought hopefully. She turned and gazed at the stained glass masterpieces, smiling sadly to herself. One day, you will make things right.
"Celestia?" Luna called from the entrance of the throne room.
Celestia snapped out of her daze, turning towards Luna with a slightly bewildered look. "Oh, is it sunset already?" She asked, then softly chuckled to herself. "Forgive me, sister, I lost track of time."
Luna gave Celestia an inquisitive smile. "It's alright." She pondered for a moment, stepping closer to the throne where Celestia sat. "Are you?"
"Am I what?"
This time, Luna chuckled. "Are you alright, Celestia?" Her cerulean eyes shone slightly with concern. "You seem a bit... distracted, to say the least. Anything pressing on your mind?"
Celestia sighed, stepping down from her throne to stand in front of her sister. "Yes, actually... Luna, I wanted to talk to you about something." She quickly glanced at the stained glass window depicting Luna's defeat, beginning to feel a flood of emotions left bottled for too long.
"Oh? What is it?"
"Luna, I..." Celestia found herself struggling to fight back tears. She hadn't realized how much weight she was bearing on her shoulders, and the toll it took on her psyche-- She never expected it to be this hard, but so many deep feelings of regret and guilt rose to the surface. It took all the strength she could muster not to break down. "I'm so sorry." Celestia finally muttered.
It took Luna a moment to react, and for a second all she could do was stare at Celestia with wide eyes. The only times she had ever seen her sister cry were when Celestia banished her to the moon, and when Luna had returned from her exile. She stepped closer to the white mare and placed a hoof on her shoulder. "Tia, what are you apologizing for?" Luna asked softly.
The sun princess shook her head. "It was my fault, Luna, I'm sorry..." Tears began to flow down her porcelain face, glinting like diamonds in the light of the sunset. "I never meant to banish you." She brought up a hoof to her face to wipe away the tears.
Luna took her hoof off of Celestia's shoulder, and stepped back. "W-what...?" She croaked, her kind smile turning into a confused frown as she tried to piece together the meaning of her sister's words. "Celestia, what do you mean you never... You never meant to banish me...?"
Celestia looked into her sister's eyes with sorrow. "No, I... I wasn't strong enough."
"But you used the Elements--"
"They didn't work." She replied. "At least, not the way I wanted them too... I was never as strong as you are, Luna, I could never wield the Elements on my own, not fully." Her chest heaved a heavy sigh. "I was so scared, so afraid that I'd lost you forever, and that it would be all my fault. I let you slip from my grasp into the hooves of that-- that Nightmare. You were my only friend, and I had forgotten you in favor of glory and praise.
"I was so selfish, Luna, I had no clue you were falling deeper into the clutches of darkness. I did nothing to help you. The Elements knew that. But what other choice did I have? I didn't know what to do, I just thought... the naive part of my brain thought that I could wield the Elements by myself, and against the only pony I ever cared about. I thought I could stop you, as foolish as I was."
"So you wanted to defeat me?" Luna asked, speaking slowly as she tried to process everything Celestia said to her.
"What? No, no! I was never trying to defeat you, Luna. I was trying to save you. Heal you. I wanted to bring back the Luna I knew and loved. I tried so hard to-- I thought the Elements would save you. I thought I would close my eyes, and when I opened them again, you'd be standing right there in front of me, smiling like you used to so many years ago. It all went wrong... I wasn't strong enough to heal you, I didn't have enough light inside of myself to dispel your darkness.
"I felt a surge of power in the Elements, and I thought I had done it. I thought, 'I've brought her back! I've brought her back to me!'. But when I opened my eyes, instead of seeing you there with me all I saw was dust, rubble, broken glass, and the Elements, encased in stone and void of power. I called your name, searching for you. It wasn't until I stepped outside the castle that I saw your face in the moon, staring at me-- Suddenly it had dawned on me what I had done." The sun princess croaked, tears now falling freely.
"You can't just blame yourself..." Luna finally stated, reaching her hoof out to comfort her older sister. "My sins were my own to bear; I payed the price for what I did, sister. I've come to terms with my past-- I used to blame you, yes, but that was foolish. I told myself it was all your fault to distract myself from my own shame. I don't blame you anymore, Celestia, so stop blaming yourself."
Celestia shook her head halfheartedly, looking into her sister's melancholy eyes. "One thousand years, Luna. One thousand. I banished you for lifetimes. Eras. I never wanted you to leave me... I needed you, but I cast you away." She felt tired and ragged, almost as defeated as she did that fateful night when everything crumbled before her eyes. "You were the very thing I needed the most, and I sent you far, far away from me for one thousand years. I didn't know what to do, Luna, and the kingdom almost collapsed because I just couldn't do it on my own."
"But Celestia, you did do it on your own." Luna said, smiling at her sister, so wise for others but foolish when it came to looking at herself. "Look around. Look at Equestria. Your subjects are thriving, because of you. This kingdom is a grand and prosperous empire, so don't you dare think for a moment that you are an incapable ruler."
"Our subjects, Luna. It is your kingdom too."
Luna's smile faltered slightly, a dark shade passing over her eyes. She cast her gaze sideways, chuckling a low, empty laugh that failed to fool anypony. "It never was." She muttered sadly.
Celestia was taken aback, forgetting her former distress. "Don't say that." She replied loudly enough so that her voice echoed off the palace walls.
"You know it's true," The moon princess sighed. "Even in your greatest defeat, they still find victory and praise. But in I--" She attempted a smile again, but the strain was obvious and her eyes showed no glimmer of a grin. "Defeat is all that they see." Luna turned at stared at the stained glass, the one with the monstrosity that was she and the savior that was her sister. "Even now, they celebrate your great triumph over me."
Celestia stomped, the distinctive cling of her golden shoes resounding across the throne room. "No. That is a lie, and you know it. They no longer celebrate your defeat, sister, they celebrate your return." She shook her hoof at Luna accusingly. "Don't you dare think for one moment that you are not loved and appreciated. You say you want to leave the past far behind-- I suggest you do it! You may have been ignored in the past, Luna, but not anymore. You are no longer overlooked. Ponies see you now, and they see your night. And-- and those fillies you helped-- they adore you! You are impacting their lives. You are impacting the future of Equestria. You weave their nightmares into dreams of comfort, sing the restless lullabies, and lead the weary to peace."
"But Celestia, you impact the whole kingdom much more--" Luna began.
"All I do is put on a show. I never could do what you can. I can't soothe troubled minds, or correct the paths of the lost. All I do is smile and sign documents and attend meetings. I don't fight dream demons, and I don't end nightmares," She stated emphatically. "I will not tolerate you berating yourself; that was the very thing that fed that Nightmare, and I will not let it steal you from me again. Understand?"
This time, Luna really did smile, eyes glinting with tears that she hastily wiped away with her hoof. "Yes, Tia. But there's one thing I don't understand."
"Hm?"
"Why do you impart such kindness and wisdom upon me, but refuse it upon yourself? You tell me to stop berating myself, yet that is the very thing you were doing. Why are you so hard on yourself? Why can't you accept those ponies' love and praise for what it is?" Her eyes glinted accusingly.
Celestia paused, feeling the guilt return.
"Because, sister, it isn't real. You of all ponies know that." Celestia finally sighed in a tone of resignation. "They think I'm a goddess, and that's simply not true. I'm nothing like the monarch they believe I am-- just as you are not the monster they once believed you were."
Luna pursed her lips together tightly. After a long pause, she spoke. "They don't believe I am... a monster anymore, because they know the truth about me. About Nightmare." She replied carefully. "If you want them to stop idolizing you, Celestia, you need to tell them the truth. Show them who you really are, just as you helped me to do."
"I don't know if I can."
"Well, you will never find out if you don't try."
"What will they think of me, when they see me and all of the mistakes I've made...?"
Luna took Celestia's hoof and led her out onto one of the main balconies of the castle, surveying most of the kingdom from the elevated height. "The ponies of Equestria-- our ponies are more accepting than you realize. They forgave me, just as they have forgiven so many others who have wronged them."
Celestia still was not convinced. A voice in her mind kept telling her she would never be forgiven, never be accepted for who she was. "All the lies I hid behind--"
Luna frowned. "I don't think you understand me, sister." She gestured to the land spread out before them. "Equestria is your home. Equestrians are your people. They will never abandon you. You have made mistakes, yes. But haven't you made so many great strides for the kingdom? We haven't had a war since the fall of the Crystal Empire, and that was centuries ago. You discovered Twilight Sparkle's potential, and now she is helping so many others in your name. Honestly, Celestia, you are foolish to think they do not truly love you. Just as I was foolish to think, so long ago, you never loved me."
At that moment, it was almost as if a light illuminated Celestia's thoughts. She looked at Luna hopefully. "They all deserve the truth, don't they?"
Her sister nodded in reply. "I'd say they did."
The sun princess nodded back, inhaling deeply. "We'd have to plan a formal gathering. I wouldn't want--"
"I think you should get some rest now, sister," Luna interrupted, nudging her older sister towards the exit of the balcony. "You can worry about that tomorrow morning; for now, it is my turn to look after the kingdom."
Celestia smiled, turning to go back inside of the castle when she turned to face Luna again. Her eyes sparkled in the moonlight, while her dark fur and starry mane blew softly in the evening breeze. She looked so at home in the nighttime, just as Celestia looked one with the daylight; it was hard to see, at first glance, that they were sisters. But if one noticed the wise gleam in both the sisters' eyes and that same kind smile they both shared, the fact that they were sisters wouldn't be surprising at all.
"You know," Celestia spoke. "We're not so different, you and I."
