The History of Equestria, I Guess....

by Beakwood

First published

The History of the world building of Equestria told by a very cynical, sarcastic viewer. He was probably drunk at the occasion.

The History of Equestria is retold by somepony else, or someone else from a World entirely different.

Someone who got nothing better to do than watch cartoons and get wasted.

The purpose of this fanfic is to narrate the events that unfolded during the show in the most nonsensical way possible.

Warning for triggery, profanity and comedy.

Friendship is Magic - Part 1

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Once upon a time there was this Kingdom. The Kingdom of Equestria. Which was located in a place that no one knew how to officially name it yet because that was irrelevant anyways.

The Kingdom of Equestria was ruled by two princesses cause reasons. One was named Princess Celestia and the otter was Princess Luna. It was said they both were sisters though it was not really explained how could that be since Celestia was a pony and Luna was an otter.

One day, many days ago, Princess Otter threw a hissy fit cause her older sister didn't want to play Super Hero and cosplay with her. Enraged by her sister's refusal, Princess Otter had no choice but become Batmare Moon and terrorize those who oposed her fierce way of justice. She also had to do this only during night, otherwise she felt it would be out of character.

Troubled by her sister's dramatic cosplay, Princess Celestia had no choice but to send the otter to a rehab facility, she managed to capture Batmare Moon using the Elements of Plot Convenience. Princess Otter was sent to rehab until she recovered from her weird illusions.

Batmare Moon became even more insane as time went by. She swore vengeance on her older sister, but she waited a thousand years because plot convenience demanded so.

And this is how the history of Equestria started.

I think...

All of that history was read by no otter, but by a pony unicorn named Twilight Sparkle. She was a high society class nerdy mare with obnoxious social skills. It was unheard of this mare being interested on anything else that not her magical studies. Which made her future relationship with a bat pony named Sir Edmund Sparks-a-lot very unlikely to happen.

Thank Celestia for that. We wouldn't want another Twilight saga with Sparkly characters.

Twilight had many qualities and personal tastes, she liked studying books. She was mostly studying books with purple cover, she wrote using purple feathers that were enchanted with purple magic, she had a purple mark on her flank, her eyes were also purple, her mane and tail had purple markings, and she had a purple lizard pet named Spike, who's favorite colour was purple.


Spike was once a purple egg. He hatched, due reasons yet to be explained, and became Twilight's personal little slave. Purple slave was always eager to aid his master to organize things around her humble personal library-observatory-house whatever the fuck that was.

One day purple slave was cleaning the shelves to please his....mistress....huh....

One day purple pet was cleaning the shelves to aid his owner on keeping the place sparkling since Twilight always wanted her home to be something she could print her personality or whatever.

Twilight, being bored out of her mind, and for reasons that only she would ever know, decided to research more about Batmare Moon herself. Twilight was getting Han Solo's vibes from a galaxy far away as she had a bad feeling about the whole Batmare Moon thing, and the time limit for her rehab to be almost over.

Lucky for her Batmare Moon was just some comic nonsense that Princess Celestia made up to avoid ponies from creating their own headcanons about Princess Otter's disappearance many years ago. Which is something that purple pet pointed out, but that only made Twilight grimace. She had secretly wrote her own headcanon about Princess Otter and felt that this Batmare Comic was utter nonsense.

Twilight wasted no time and wrote a formal complain to Princess Celestia inquiring about the validity of her headcanon by specifically pointing out the inconsistencies.

Princess Celestia wrote back telling Twilight to fuck off, to get out of the basement and make some friends. If not she would take away all her books and coloring pencils.

Twilight, fearing the loss of her precious pencils, had no choice but to get some sunlight and perhaps go out on a trip or something.

She decided to go to Ponyville. Because Celestia told her so, and because that was the closest town near Canterlot. Who needs the other major towns of Equestria to distract themselves with?

Also Ponyville sounded incredibly fucking stupid and ironic. So it was the perfect choice. If humans were around they probably would've named one of their towns Humanville, because why not?

So Twilight flew in a chariot of fir- flying ponies towards Ponyville with her purple pet, because she was royalty after all and getting a train was for losers. Purple pet was clearly excited at the possibility of not having to clean shelves for quite some time.

Once they arrived at town center nopony gave a fuck and continued with their lifes. Twilight was worried that her attempt of looking rich and important wasn't working, perhaps her emo haircut was giving it away.

They trotted around town before being harassed by a pink pony that had an overdose of coffe. Though the only thing the mare did was to scream and bail. Perhaps she realized the horrifying lizard pet nearby and ran for her life before it could eat her.

Twilight decided to lead the way to the library but she fucked up and ended up in the farm. There she meet with the cowpony mare named Applejack.

Applejack was your stereotypical farm/cowboy/Texan/southern girl chewing on a piece of hay. Her flank/plot/rump/ass had a butt tattoo made of three Ipods. Her talents were pretty modern for a farm girl.

Cowpony introduced her whole family to the newbie of town and her pet slave. Her family had several different kinds of Ipones, each of different shapes and colours.

After leaving the Applestore, with her saddle bag filled with Apps, Twilight went around Ponyland looking for the library that she had no idea where it was cause she forgot to buy a map. Spike told her to chill and enjoy mother nature.

Twilight replied she was no Tree-Hugger and for pet slave to stop acting like a hippie.

Twilight and pet slave heard the faint sounds of birds chirping like some Beethoven wannabes. They followed the sound only to find butterfly pony waving her hooves in slow motions like she knew what she was doing. Probably her special talent was orquestria.

Unfortunately Twilight triggers Butterfly's PTSD and the yellow pegasus mare ends up deadly silent. Twilight asks something, Butterfly's voice comes with the sound similar of a rat being squished by a cartwheel.

After a very awkward experience Twilight moves around town, yet it seemed everypony disappeared as she was the only one trotting around. That until the copy-paste nyon cat wannabe crashed into her, throwing her back into the nearest pile of ma-mud.

Ponyon cat apologizes for screwing it up and blows a tornado to clean Twilight from the dirt. Because shoving tornadoes at strangers is perfectly safe.

Twilight asks Ponyon cat if she kno da weh to the library. Ponyon cat ignores her and starts talking about how much of Blue Angels wannabes she intended to be.

Twilight suggests them to be friends but Ponyon cat tells her to get bent and flies off to find somepony else to inflate her ego.

Twilight gets triggered and storms away like a spoiled kid that was raging due getting owned in Call of Duty.

She ended up in a clothing shop at some point, but the owner of the shop was such a white whorse that it was unworthy of further mentioning.

Twilight finally finds the library, but she also found out that Butterfly had followed her around cause she had a lizard fetish and stalked after her purple slave.

After shoving her away she enters the library only to be assaulted by a over excited mob from the nearest Comic-Con. It ends up the Pink Nuts had brought them here to pester her up during the night.

Twilight says she doesn't have time for nonsense and has to finish her FanFiction about Batmare Moon. Yet Pink Nuts talks her out and gets her drunk.

Twilight wakes up next morning with a huge headache and wondering how many ponies she banged last night. Cloud Kicker definitely was one of them.

Not wanting to waste time Twilight tries to work on her FanFic but she can't even tell if two plus two are numbers or horseshoes. She gives up and decides to go to that Summer Event she was supposed to celebrate because Celestia is her new mom and this event is like her birthday or something.

She goes to the event, the ponies she saw last day are all there because they have to, if not the mayor would shave their manes, and things get spooky cause it gets dark, Celestia doesn't show up, and something comes down from the roof using a gigantic dark cape.

Batmare Moon announces herself to the town and of her duty to protect them from scum and villainy. Everypony else claims that Robin Hoof is a better crime fighter and that pisses off Batmare Moon.

And at that point Twilight realized that her headcanon about Batmare Moon was real and she couldn't wait to laugh it at Celestia's face.

Before she realized that Celestia was probably gone and that they were all fucked.

*Will Continue Cause I'm Too Lazy To Write This Whole Thing In A Single Go*