Marshmallow Farts
Life as you knew it sucked.
It sucked glorious arse.
Ever since you were magically transported (without your willing consent) to the wondrous land of Equestria and dumped into the town of Ponyville with these hyperactively-positive pastel ponies, you have been left scratching your head for a reason as to why you were brought here in the first place.
An accident? Did you suddenly die when you were walking home from college and then a bright light came out of nowhere and you suddenly found yourself with your nose shoved into an annoying pink pony's snout? Or did someone try to make a nuclear bomb in your vicinity and manage to fail, plunging humanity into a downward spiral as the nuclear devastation and arising holocaust erased the world as you knew it?
Actually, no, that's stupid and just plain ridiculous. Of course, there has to be some reason besides that!
But...if that's so, then why haven't you found it yet? Why have you not discovered the reason that you were brought here?
Hmm, thinking of Pinkie Pie, you were wondering where she was. She didn't really say much to you, but maybe you had some suspicion on the ringing in your ears after the bright white light dissipated to blame for that. Afterall, you didn't recall much. Just a bunch of impossibly-fast lips running faster than a future generation Formula One car that's powered by nuclear energy on an unstable level.
She was at least kind enough to offer to be your friend, and being the daft twat that you are, you didn't object. You gave yourself a mental kick for that.
Suddenly you became all buddy-buddy with this walking tuft of candy floss and now you've gotten yourself into one hell of a mess. One hell of a mess, indeed.
To say the least, you felt fucking insane for taking the friendship of some magical, talking pink pony that could pass for a wad of coloured sugar on the end of a pogo stick.
Mind you, it's only been a couple or so years on this whole new earth as an unwilling but somewhat accepted member of the alien equine society. It seemed like only yesterday that Pinkie thought you should find yourself a place after spending some considerable time as a roommate in her living quarters at Sugarcube Corner.
Mr and Mrs Cake were delighted to offer their hospitality to you upon stepping off of their porch and into their living space and place of work, and who were you to turn down such a thoughtful and generous offer after being thrown into another utopian society that seems like it's made solely for the entertainment of young children?
Oh, wait...that's right.
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.
They are real! They are all bloody real!
By the power of the almighty gods at Hasbro, what the hell has happened here?! It's all so warm, fuzzy and over-bearingly-shit-your-pants nice! Everywhere you look, mares, mares, mares! There hasn't been a single stallion in your field of view aside from Mr Cake and the big brother of Pinkie's friend, Applebarack, or something. Big Macinbush! Yeah, Macinbush!
You couldn't believe you didn't manage to figure it out earlier! Your little sister, Abbigail, almost every Saturday, would turn on POP on the TV to catch up on the latest episodes of MLP: FiM! How could you be so stupid?!
You had a million questions! For starters, how in the hell is this world an actual, living and breathing pigment of the imagination when it was indeed just an imaginational work of fiction to begin with?! What kind of idea book has Lauren Faust been reading to conjure up this black magic?
Worst, you're friends with Pinkie Pie! Heck, she's your only friend in this crazy technicolour world of talking ponies and other mythical creatures! Did you mention that you've seen a fucking griffon flying in the air yet?
A living, honest-to-god griffon?! With large, razor-sharp talons, a lion's body and an eagle's head? Not to mention an attitude that could rival Satan. Man, Gilda, if you remembered her name correctly, acted like she had just had her period all over a nice prom dress and dismissed it as spilling her wine.
Moody bitch.
Anywho, where were you?
Oh, yeah!
Pinkie Pie had offered you a job at Sugarcube Corner and you thankfully took the position as a form of repaying the Cakes' generosity for allowing you to crash at their cake-shaped pad. Just looking at the thing makes you hungry.
C'mon, Andy, never mind hunger at the moment! Get back to your story!
Oh, yes, speaking of Pinkie Pie, you always found it a little strange how she behaves around you. Not even a week ago, as you were in the kitchen preparing cupcakes of your own recipe to sell at the bakery, Pinkie managed to sneak up behind you and get a good blast of flour into your hair, transforming you into Aunt Helga after becoming a widower.
''Pinkie Pie...what. In. The. World. Of. Buggery was that for?'' You said, forcing yourself to hold back a growl, your teeth clenched together as you spoke. Christ, you could make bread out of your own head if you wanted to.
Pinkie Pie could only shrug and offer a smile as she giggled at you. ''Because it's fun, silly!'' She said innocently. ''You've been moping around so much lately that I figured I'd try to cheer you up!''
''By dumping flour on me?'' I deadpanned. ''If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were trying to turn me into a cupcake or something.''
''Oh, Andy, cupcakes are made out of sweet stuff, not humans! Besides, I think you'd make an adorable little cupcake!'' She said with a soft blush against her pink coat. Although it blended in with her candy floss coat, you could still see its presence upon her cheeks.
In a split second, the atmosphere took on an awkward silence and Pinkie Pie decided to break it. ''Well, I-I think I hear a customer at the counter!'' And then she left in a flash.
You only blinked and stared at where she had stood only seconds ago.
What. Just. Happened?
That was your first encounter with the strange antics of Pinkie Pie. She would occasionally give you a flour bath as you were working, and rather than getting mad at the pony, you forced yourself to remain composed. You didn't want to upset her, after all. You did have a heart for consideration.
Pretty much every day transpired in the same fashion - Wake up, fart, commence the ritual of the good ol' Triple S, eat a tray of diabeetus known as breakfast and then pop off to work where you had to endure the wrath of Pinkie Pie.
Or rather, Pinkie Pie's infectious presence.
Mind you, you didn't have a single thing against her, aside from all of the strange hints and times she picks on you for no reason. What you couldn't figure out was why she was doing it so often, especially after that previous encounter where she decided to dash off someplace else after mentioning turning you into a cupcake.
As annoyed as you may have been with her for the endless teasing and flour baths, you couldn't help but feel oddly concerned for the mare. After all, as far as friends went in this fictional-non-fictional world, Pinkie Pie was the only friend you had. Heck, she was your best friend!
You've met all of her other friends before, Shitity, Applejam, Rainbow Crass, Twinlick and Twinkieshy, but you and the pink El Diablo have got this weird bond, it seems.
In the bakery, you returned to your usual routine of baking goods for the Cakes' to sell, yet your 'boss' was nowhere to be seen. Normally, Pinkie would be in the same room going crazy with the mixing machines and ramming batter and dough into the ovens faster than they could spit them out.
As strange as it was to not have the pink mare around, you didn't miss the constant flour baths that would be thrown your way out of the next dimension. You could almost swear that Pinkie has this weird talent or ability where she can travel between alternate universes, but despite how much you wanted to question her on her abilities, you kept your mouth shut.
There's no telling what Pandora's Box holds on the inside of the brain that was Pinkie Pie's.
Just as soon as you were enjoying the silence and absence of daily flour bombardments, it was cut short as you found yourself getting a minor heart attack as, somehow, an entire bag of flour was dumped over your head, coating you in a way that made you look like a happy snowman, although your frown was anything but joyful.
From above you and hanging from the ceiling was the pink denizen that was responsible for the dusting now covering your entire body. She was giggling and trying to hold back her laughter as you glared daggers up at her.
''Pinkie...'' You seethed, feeling fed up with her antics. Even more so, you were sick of washing your clothes at home. For some weird reason, Equestrian's don't even own washing machines, and some of that logic seemed to derive from the fact that ponies don't normally wear clothes. However, in your case as a human, it made life difficult.
You were quite certain that your hoodie was layered with what could only be identified as bread scratchings.
''Oh, you should see the look on your face, Andy!'' Pinkie laughed. ''I got you good!'' She continued to roar with laughter.
Anger bubbled up deep within your gut and it was beginning to surface. You could feel it burn and boil like the cauldron of the Three Witches from Macbeth, and much like The Witches themselves, it was going to be an ugly explosion of anger!
''What. The. Hell. Is wrong with you?!'' You hollered up to the pink mare on the ceiling, who froze instantly at your tone of voice. Her wide blue eyes stared back down at you and she magically floated from her hanging position to come to a stand in front of you, landing softly on all four hooves. ''Why do you keep bothering me like that?! Why?!'' You demanded, pushing your nose against her muzzle.
Pinkie Pie began to quiver and her lip trembled as her ears plopped back over her head. She made a noise like a whining puppy and managed to squeeze out, ''A-Andy, I was just...I was just playing,'' She said quietly. ''I didn't mean to annoy you.''
''Yeah? Well, you are annoying me and it's getting beyond a joke! Every single day that I come in here, I always have to get bombarded with marshmallow farts and I've always got to be the one to clean it up afterwards! So why in the name of Russell Howard's wonky eye are you constantly bombing me with flour?!'' You pushed hard against her snout and she flinched back at the rage burning in your fierce green emerald eyes.
''I-I...'' Pinkie Pie whimpered, her tone making her sound as if she was about to cry. True to herself, her eyes began to well up and she turned her head away from you, yet you caught sight of a bell-bottomed tear rolling down her cheek. ''I...Because I...like you,'' She whispered, her voice hardly audible to the dead air around the two of you.
''What was that?'' You said, slightly taken aback as your ear twitched at the sound of her hurt voice.
''I said I like you!'' Pinkie Pie blurted as she turned her head back around to face you, both of her eyes streaming with tears. ''I l-like you, Andy, b-b-but I guess you h-hate me and I ---'' Pinkie Pie didn't finish, but instead, she broke down and ran out of the room in a mess of tears and up the stairs, presumably up to her room after you heard a door slam shut.
You blinked a few times, feeling an itch due to the flour that was powdering your eyelashes. You shook your head, shaking flour everywhere in a flurry as if your hair was now an impromptu winter wonderland.
After what Pinkie Pie had said, your brain was left trying to process the words that left her mouth. Andy.exe has stopped functioning as you stared at the direction in which she had left to charge up the stairs and to her room.
Pinkie Pie...liked you? Is that really what she...no! No! It can't be! It just can't be!
It was official. As if you weren't already insane and still trying to deal with the fact that you were now away from your family and trapped in a world of magical talking horses and ponies, now one of said ponies likes you!
''Well,'' You said to yourself in disbelief. ''Shit.''
You felt like an honest and true jackass.
=======================
''Pinkie Pie?'' You asked as you stood in front of her bedroom door at the end of the upstairs corridor. You gently rapped your knuckles on the door as a request for entry, yet all you were met with from the other end was silence. Worry began to arise in your heart. Not only had you upset your best friend by raising your voice to her, you have probably just broken her heart.
Actually, no, there is no 'probably'. The correct terminology is 'definitely'.
Good going, you colossal rimjob.
''Pinkie?''
Silence.
Well, what were you expecting? It's not like she was going to respond to your or anything after the way you spoke to her only moments ago. It doesn't take half of a brain to know that small fact.
Without thinking, you decided to push down on the handle, slowly opening the door with a small creak. Entering her bedroom, you closed the door behind you and looked around for the bubbly pink mare.
A quick scan here and there directed your attention to a lump on the large bed in the middle of her room under the covers. A tuft of her pink tail was sticking out and hanging limply over the side of her bed.
Walking over towards the bed, you slowly came beside the form of Pinkie Pie enveloped in her covers. At this distance, you could see that her head was turned away from you and it was visible from underneath the covers and resting atop her pillow.
Oddly, you noticed that her mane appeared to be somewhat deflated, much like a basketball with a small puncture. However, seeing this feature with her hair was plainly strange.
''Pinkie Pie?'' You asked again, your voice quiet yet loud in the barrier of silence of her bedroom. ''Pinkie, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about earlier,'' You began, feeling guilty and terrible on the inside. Your guts felt like they were tied in a tight yet soggy knot. Pinkie's ear twitched, showing you that she was at least attentive to your voice. ''I didn't mean to upset you or anything.''
She didn't move or say anything.
Pinkie Pie remained as still as a rock and kept herself turned away from you.
''P-Please say something,'' You said. ''Pinkie, please, come on, what are you, dead?'' You said half-heartedly, yet feeling a pang of dread at the thought. As daft as it sounded, it seemed plausible enough as a reason for why she was unresponsive. ''Oh, God, you're not, are you?!'' You said as you reached down and touched her shoulder, turning her around from her side to face you.
Her eyes were closed and her lips were partially separated. She didn't seem or appear to be breathing and you immediately felt the dread in your heart grow.
''P-Pinkie?'' You asked, gently rocking her shoulder, getting no response. ''Pinkie?!'' You rocked harder, and this time, her eyes snapped open, her blue irises staring back at you.
She gave a comical 'Rawr!' and sat upright in bed as she raised her hooves at you like some kind of reanimated zombie. You were suddenly getting Tim Burton vibes from The Corpse Bride as you yelped and landed on your ass with a dull thud, almost shitting yourself in the process.
That's twice in a row that she's gotten you!
Damn, Andy, you should have seen that one coming! You saw her ear move, for Christ's sake! What were you thinking?
The laughter of Pinkie Pie once again filled the room as you heard her hoofsteps come towards you. She stopped directly in front of you and you put your hand on your heart to stop it beating out of your chest.
You stared up at her with a mix of a surprised and angry expression.
''What the hell, Pinkie? I thought you were dead!'' You said as you pulled yourself back up. ''You had me worried!'' Pinkie only giggled in that same adorable way as always.
''Oh, silly, if I was dead, I'd be a zombiepony! I'm as alive as you are!'' She booped you on the nose and you couldn't help but smile at her antics. True, she may have been somewhat of a pest towards you in the previous weeks, but you knew she meant well.
''Look, Pinkie, I just came up to tell you that I'm sorry. I've been here for two years without my family and it's kinda gotten to me, y'know?'' At that, Pinkie's face took on a sympathetic expression.
''Aw, Andy-Candy, don't be sad. I forgive you,'' Pinkie said as she moved in to pull you into a hug. ''Besides, I'm always here to talk if you need me. Even if you do kinda hate me for what I've been doing to you.'' Pinkie's ears flopped back and her eyes became downcast.
Wrapping your arms around her, you patted her back and snuggled her cheek. ''I don't hate you, Pinkie. I was only annoyed because you flour bomb me literally every day and I keep running out of clothes to wear. And listen, although I'm flattered, I'm not sure I'm that willing or ready to be involved like...that yet.'' You said, blushing.
Although she looked disappointed, Pinkie Pie gave you a small peck on the cheek and continued to hug you for a moment. Eventually, she broke off the friendly embrace and moved back to look you in the eyes with a hopeful expression.
''Are we...still friends?'' She asked, and you couldn't help but smile.
''Of course, Pinkie. You're my best friend.''