Get nosey with Celestia? Check. Marry Celestia? Check check. Run and defend a prosperous country, be a Prince, lead millions in wisdom and might, and not commit a huge social faux pas in high society? Gonna have to get back to you on that.
It is recommended you read No Nose Knows first but it's not absolutely required.
Baked Bean was just a regular citizen of Equestria until one fateful day when he accidentally booped Princess Celestia's nose with his own and then found he was forced to marry her to fulfil the terms of an ancient law. Miraculously, Love has blossomed between the princess and the pauper, and the new Prince of Equestria is now looking forward to taking his place at the side of the Princess of the Sun.
But Baked Bean is still very much a novice in the realms of government and nobility, and he's in for quite the crash course between old foes, snobby ministers, and his own shortcomings...
The Changeling Kingdom—or ‘Wuvy-Duvy Smoochy Land,’ if you were near Queen Chrysalis—was a remote and desolate place out on the furthest edge of the Badlands. It wasn’t the kind of place a pony would willingly go to, even if they did know where it was, thanks to the lack of foliage and the peculiar smell that was reminiscent of old hoof clippings, unwashed socks, year-old cheese and tomatoes. However, it was home for the Changeling Queen and her drones, and all about was the sounds and sights of construction as the worker drones slaved and stewed under a hot sun to bring about their Queen’s wishes for a grand castle.
Not all of the changelings were tasked with construction, however, and one particular drone who was known by the name of Bob stood idly by the main entrance to the new castle and watched his fellows labor as he waited. It was almost time for the mailmare to make her biweekly delivery, and the morale of the hive depended on everybug getting their letters, newspapers and magazines. If he should fail in his duties, the results would be…
He shuddered. It was best he did not think about that.
“She’s not here yet?”
“Mandible,” Bob groaned and facehooved while his obnoxious ‘partner’ approached him, “asking me over and over again won’t make her show up.”
“But you know how she gets when it’s late. I had to clean out the larva pits for two weeks last time.”
“I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe next time you’ll read the job description first before you apply for an open position.”
“Hey, the post stinks but I get vision and dental included with my medical, plus a seven percent match on 401(k) contributions. Another thirty years and I’ll be able to buy my own cave network.”
“Wait, what? You get a seven percent match? I only get five! I’m gonna have to talk to HR about that.”
“Good luck. You’re going up against Coxa and Trochanter.”
“What? I thought Ocelli was in charge.”
“Before the invasion. Our Queen ‘relieved him of duty’ and put the other two in not long after we settled in here.”
“Well, I should just forget it then.”
“Hey, at least you get something,” Mandible replied, but then he pointed out a grey spot that had appeared on the horizon. “And it looks like my abdomen is safe.”
“Takes her long enough to get out here.” Bob replied before letting loose a shrill whistle.
There was a pause in the construction as every changeling quickly adopted a more pony-like appearance, but by the time dutiful mailmare made her approach and landed with a bit of a stumble before them there was nothing in their looks that was amiss.
Ditzy Doo, for her part, groaned as she unslung the mailbag that was larger than herself from off her back before stretching out and eliciting a few pops.
“You know, I’m gonna have to increase your postage rates if this keeps up,” the blonde mare grumbled. “What in Equestria is all this, anyway?”
“Pen pal letters.” Mandible answered with a straight face. “Blueprints, diagrams, building permits, uh… glue. Paper clips, big ones. Y’know. Office supplies.”
“Paper clips?” The mailmare tried to give them a doubtful look, but the effort was ruined slightly by her googly golden eyes. “Is this going to be a constant thing with you ponies? ‘Cause if it is, I’m going to start getting some help and using a wagon.”
“Yeah, I’d do that. We’re going to need a lot of them.” Mandible replied with a sheepish grin as Bob began dragging the mailbag into the castle. “I personally have been looking forward to my subscription to ‘Better Caves and Lairs.’ I’m totally loving their Fang Shui concept.”
“Don’t you mean Feng Shui?”
“Meh,” he shrugged. “Fangs work better for my chakra.”
“Chakras?” Ditzy asked with some delight. “I’m working on my Third Eye right now.”
“Really? I’m trying to boost my Solar Plexus.”
“Neat! I’ve got a Topaz Crystal I never used, I’ll bring it with me next time and maybe it’ll work for you.”
“Thanks. Who do you get your crystals from? I haven’t been able to find a good supplier.”
“I know a pony, actually. I met her out on a rock farm, but she’s going to college now for her rocktorate degree. Her prices are on the high side, but she’s never sold me a crystal that was out of tune. Here, I’ve got a business card you can have if you want.”
“Yeah, totally!” Mandible replied. “That would be great!”
The outgoing mailbag fell out of the air with a loud thud, most likely due to the quality of the changelings assigned to the task and the high window nearby which was a convenient way to ‘send’ the mail. Neither Ditzy or Mandible flinched at its sudden appearance, although it fell a little close for comfort this time. Two changelings disguised as pegasi crawled out from underneath it with a groan and a whine.
“Tim, Phil.” Mandible replied nonchalantly and without looking at them.
“I think we need to cut back on the number of pen pals, boss.” Tim remarked with a wince of pain.
“I’ll look into it,” Mandible casually replied, and he gladly took the business card with the information he needed before Ditzy heaved the new bag up and onto her back.
“I’ll see you guys in a couple of weeks,” she remarked. “Don’t work too hard.”
“Never do.” Mandible chuckled, and several nearby changelings grumbled and glared at him.
Mandible turned and trotted inside after watching Ditzy take to the air once more and he then moved swiftly over to the mailroom. Once there, he offered a smile to the drone overseeing the sorting of the mail. “Morning, Proboscis. Do you have our Queen’s newspapers?”
“Yeah, right here,” he replied. “Looks like something big happened in Canterlot about two weeks ago. She’ll probably want to read that first.
“Right.”
“Looks like Roseluck wrote to you too.” Proboscis replied slyly.
“She did?!” Mandible squealed in delight. “Have that sent to my hole right away! I’ve been dying to hear back from her.”
Proboscis nodded, and Mandible proceeded to prance down the hallway towards his Queen’s throne with a happy tune. Roseluck was always so thoughtful and sweet in her letters, and she always gave him just that little bit of a nudge he needed to get through his days. If Queen Chrysalis didn’t like the headlines in the newspaper, he was going to need the extra help.
Mandible took two extra deep breaths before walking into the large chamber that made up the new throne room of Queen Chrysalis. The Queen of All She Surveyed was sitting casually on her obsidian throne, a quill and newspaper in her magic. She was intently writing something, and her tongue was sticking out of her mouth slightly as she thought.
“There,” she announced after a moment. “Mandible, what’s a six-letter word for the triangular solid mass of vertebrae between the lumbar vertebrae and the tail covered dorsally by the two ilia?”
“I believe that would be the ‘sacrum’, My Queen.”
“Ah!” She happily chortled as she wrote the word down. “So it is! Good job, Mandible. I will make Dave clean out the larva pits this week for your reward.”
“I cleaned them out last week!” Dave shouted in agony from somewhere.
“Are those the latest newspapers?” Chrysalis asked with an eager look.
“They are, My Queen. I suggest you read the top one first, you may find the news to be quite interesting.”
“Perhaps, but first I need to see if there is a new Gabby Gums article, and then I simply must check in on Caspian & Hobble! Oh, the adorable antics that mischievous little colt gets into! Do you think Caspian’s parents will ever realize Hobble is no mere stuffed animal?”
“I couldn’t say for sure, My Queen.”
“I do hope he tries to go sledding. I always love how he crashes into...”
Chrysalis paused, and her emerald eyes drank in the headline of the newspaper before her. A slow smile slid onto her face, much like a shark might get at the sight of blood, and after a moment she let out a low, hungry chuckle.
“Well, well! Sunbutt went and got married! I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks. This Baked Bean sounds absolutely delicious! Mandible?”
“Yes, My Queen?”
“I do believe we should make preparations to meet the new Prince. Even though we were not invited to the wedding, it would only be polite for us to offer our congratulations, correct?”
“Indeed, My Queen,” Mandible replied with a twisted grin.
Baked Bean, Prince of Equestria and Stallion of the Sun (though he wasn’t sure how he felt about that title yet) hummed a happy tune to himself as he strolled down the hallway and towards breakfast. The sunshine from his wife’s sun streamed in through the windows with a feeling of giddiness, and everypony he encountered in the hallways offered a cheerful greeting which he was most delighted to return. All in all, everything was shaping to be fantastic that day already, and Bean couldn’t keep the smile off of his face if he tried.
As he made his way towards more of his beloved’s pancakes, his mind drifted over the events that had led him to where he now was. It was still an incredible thing for him to recall that, by some fantastical chance, he had happened to have been booped on the nose by Princess Celestia herself. He definitely thanked the stars she had fallen in love with him—and he with her—and he happily realized he wouldn’t trade the events of the past three extremely busy weeks, be they good, bad, or otherwise for anything in the world. It was now his grand privilege to remain with her and to take his place at her side as her Prince, and that prospect alone filled him with overflowing joy.
There was still much he needed to learn, however. Apart from one petition he had approved while Celestia was out sick, he really had no experience governing on his own, and he was committed to being as useful as he could for his wife and the Kingdom she loved. He still wanted to finish writing his story as well; it was part of the core reason he had been in position to be booped in the first place. There was much to do and much to learn, but if he had Celestia to support and guide him then he could take on the world.
“Good morning, sir.”
“Ah! Good morning, Sergeant!” Bean turned to the Guard who had just walked up beside him. “How you doing, Pokey?”
“Just fine, sir,” he replied with a hoofbump. “You seem to be in a chipper mood as well, sir, if I may say.”
“I guess I am,” Bean said with a chuckle. “Can you blame me?”
“Not at all sir.” Pokey smiled slightly. “But I do need to go over a few security details for your upcoming trip, if you have a moment.”
“Sure!” Bean gladly replied. Celestia had mentioned that morning that she wanted to meet the rest of her new in-laws that weekend, and Bean had agreed it would be good to have a family reunion, even if the circumstances were a bit unique. “Whatcha got?”
“Not much, sir. That’s the problem. We have the addresses of your cousins, but not much else. Princess Celestia suggested that we should meet at the Zuerst, but I’m not so sure that’s a good idea.”
“Are there security issues?”
“No more than any other place, sir.”
“Okay. Wait. It’s because of the interruption of their business, right?” Bean asked, and Pokey nodded. “There is that, yes. I would bet my parents would be willing to shut down for a few hours in order to allow all of this to happen, though. After all, they’d have to close the place to meet us somewhere else, anyway. Do we have somepony who could go and check in with them?”
“I can have a messenger aloft in five minutes, sir.”
“Let’s do that, then. Just send a message asking if they can shut down this Sunday for a family reunion and visit. I’d really be surprised if they said no, but if they do we can figure something else out then.”
“Got it, sir,” Pokey replied. “Next, are there any special travel arrangements that need to be made for your family in Las Pegasus?”
“If you have them come by rail, you should be fine,” Bean replied with a quick chuckle. “But I don’t think you’d ever be able to get Grandpa Soy and Grandma Pole on to a chariot. They always said there was something wrong with flying ponies.”
“They don’t like pegasi?” Pokey asked with a slight ruffle of his own wings.
“No, they like pegasi. They just have this bizarre belief that ponies shouldn’t be able to fly. I never really understood it myself, but it was something to do with the concept of ponies shouldn’t have wings. We’ve tried to talk to them about it, but they won’t be swayed. So long as we don’t bring up the subject we should be fine.”
“But the Princess has wings, sir. Doesn’t that mean their granddaughter-in-law is breaking the rules, so to speak?”
“Yeah, but that kinda hurts my brain to think that a 1,200-year-old Alicorn princess can be a granddaughter to a present-day pony,” he chuckled. “It’ll be alright. My grandparents wouldn’t want to offend the Princess, so they’ll behave.”
“If you say so, sir,” Pokey replied. “And the rest of your family lives in Salt Lick, correct?”
“Yeah. So all we have to do is say ‘be here at this time’ and they’ll be there. Unless the local hoofball team is playing,” he added.
“Very good, sir.” Pokey replied. “I’ll get to work on that. If I need something else I’ll let you know.”
“Sounds good.”
Pokey offered a quick nod before peeling away, and Bean hoped that he hadn’t offended his loyal royal guard somehow. His mother’s parents had always been a bit peculiar, but nopony in the family had ever really given their odd avian sentiments much thought. Perhaps they should have, but it was hard to think there was any maliciousness in their ideals. They had employed numerous pegasi in their own buffet restaurant over the years, after all, and they gladly served any pegasus guests with the same cheerfulness they offered to unicorns and earth ponies.
“Well,” Bean muttered to himself, “maybe once he meets them, it’ll all be all right.”
With a shake of his head to clear his thoughts on the matter, Bean moved up to a steady trot to finish the trip to the dining room. He was eager to get going today, since Celestia had an opening in her schedule occur when the Benevolent Order of Griffons—Equestria Regiment had cancelled their meeting. There was now an hour before lunch for them to spend together doing something not related to the governing of Equestria, and Bean was hoping they might work on his novel a bit more. But, really, so long as he was with her, he would be pleased with anything they did, even down to simply sitting and staring into her delectable magenta eyes.
He then had the thought that, perhaps, he should try to do something she wanted to do. Despite loving his Celly more than life itself there was still much he needed to learn about her, and he really didn’t know a lot about her private interests and hobbies. When there had been a free moment or two before, Celestia usually would default to reading, but there had to be other things that she found interesting, or that she liked.
First things first, though. There was breakfast to be had, as well as a wife’s love to enjoy.
He took a quick glance back at his flank, and smiled deeply as he remembered that grand moment on the cloud when his cutie mark had changed. The more he thought of it, the more pleased he was with how it was now. With her sun supporting the book from behind and her words upon the pages, he finally felt like he had a destiny, one that was far more sublime and meaningful than anything he could have ever imagined. She would be behind him to support, she would be before him to guide, and she would forever remain at his side as a part of him, just as he was now a part of her.
He had a place in the world now, and that place was with her.
Bean hummed slightly with the thought, and he tried to move up to a canter, but he noticed that despite his legs making the appropriate movement for forward motion he was somehow moving backwards. He unsuccessfully tried to stifle a playful giggle and began swinging his legs furiously, but this had the intended effect of moving him backwards in the golden magic that held him aloft even faster.
“Where are you going, my little pony?” Celestia’s resplendent voice called out with a hint of jest. “Usually ponies run to me, not away from me.”
“They do?” he called out playfully.
“They do. Please, come here. I need to talk to you.”
Bean smiled mischievously for a moment, then twisted his face into one of horror.
“I’m so sorry!” he wailed. “I had no idea you were there, and I’ll pay whatever fine there is for trampling the flowers! Just please don’t throw me in jail, or banish me to the Everfree Forest, or build a jail in the Everfree Forest and throw me in there, or…”
Celestia’s magic gently pushed his mouth shut before he could prattle along anymore, and Bean felt a jolt of pure joy course though his whole being when he was turned around in midair and met those magnificent magenta eyes with his own.
“Why does everypony think I am going to do that?” she asked as she booped him lovingly. “I’ve never done that. I’ve never even threatened it.”
“Maybe you should,” he replied with a sly bob of his eyebrows. “I’d gladly go be banished with you.”
“Hm, don’t tempt me,” she cooed while sharing a nuzzle with him. “We do still have a honeymoon to enjoy together.”
“You really think we can get away for a honeymoon?” he asked as she placed him gently on the ground again.
“Not in the traditional sense, no. But that was one thing I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Oh? What are you thinking?”
“I had the thought that it would be nice for us to go on a tour of Equestria,” she replied while they resumed their walk down the hallway. “Just the two of us. And probably a few guards we can’t leave behind,” she admitted.
“I like it,” he replied. “Go on.”
“Obviously, we would make public appearances and tour the major sights that our kingdom holds, but we could also make an effort to go to the smaller places that have, perhaps, been a bit neglected. We may only be able to spend a day or two in each place, but I think the ponies of our kingdom would love to see us and we would still be together.”
“That actually sounds pretty awesome,” Bean replied with a bright smile. “I say we do that.”
“I’ll get Wysteria to work on it right away then.” Celestia replied while returning his smile back to him. “Did Sergeant Pokey talk to you about the ‘family reunion’ yet?”
“Yeah. He’s going to send a messenger to see if we can hijack the Zuerst and have it there. I don’t think my parents would say no.”
“But will it adversely impact their business?”
“If they’re as busy as they’ve indicated then they would probably enjoy a break, to be honest. Normally it would hurt, yes. But since Princess Celestia is coming to visit it’ll actually help. Ponies will want to eat where you’ve eaten.”
“The same will be true for you,” she pointed out. “There are ponies who will pay a premium to sit in the same chair you’ve sat in, to breathe the air you’ve breathed.”
“I bet that got annoying quickly for you.”
“It did, but I came to terms with it,” she sighed. “There’s very little I can do about it, other than passing some kind of law or ordinance. Really, ponies do such things because they respect me, so I take it as a compliment.”
“It is better than being met at the front doors with pitchforks and torches.” Bean quipped.
“If that ever happens then I think I’ll just turn everything over to Luna and banish myself to the sun.”
“That sounds… hot.”
“Oh, it’s not so bad,” Celestia replied with a giggle. “Sure, my shoes might melt but it’s actually quite nice once you get used to it.”
“I’ll just take your word on that one.” He chuckled back. “I’d rather not find out, though.”
“I agree.”
“How many pancakes did you make today?”
“Oh, only about five dozen or so. I hope you’re hungry.”
“I’m always hungry for you,” he replied with swift nibble to her neck, and she shrieked in delight before prancing away from him.
* * ✹ * *
“So, my dear Bean, what shall we do with our free hour?” Celestia asked her beloved.
“Well, I want to know if you want to do something.”
“Really?” Celestia asked with a left turn in the hallway.
“Yeah. I’m a little worried that we’re only doing what I want to do. I want to learn about your interests, your hobbies. My knowledge in that area is lacking, and I want to fix that.”
Celestia gave him a quick nip in his mane. “That is very thoughtful of you, but we may have a small problem with that.”
“Problem?” Bean asked. “How can your hobbies be a problem?”
“When you have lived for 1,224 years you have tried every hobby there is and grown bored with all of them,” Celestia sighed slightly. “Painting, rock collecting, music composition, whittling, underwater basket-weaving, dry macaroni necklaces, on and on. You name it and I’ve probably tried it.”
A glorious idea flashed into Bean’s head. “Wait, you can’t be bored with everything. You still like to teach.”
“Yes, I do.”
Bean tried to stifle his smile, but it was a horrible failure. “Have you ever done guard training?”
She gave him a playful look that indicated she knew full well where he was going with this. “Only a few hundred thousand times.”
“But ever one-on-one?” he asked, and he went up on his rear hooves and made a fighting pose. “You wouldn’t want me to be defenseless in a crisis, would you?”
“No, I certainly do not want that,” she replied with a hum.
“So maybe, if you don’t mind, we can do that together. But only if you want to!” He added in a rush and with worry. “Really! I don’t want you to do something just because I’m being obnoxious about it.”
Celestia moved in and gave her Bean a quick peck on the cheek. “I have not yet tried teaching my husband new things. I have no problem with your idea. I can teach you some defensive maneuvers, or I can help you write more of your book.”
“I worry I’ve been pushing that too much.”
“Not at all! I have quite enjoyed watching you write. You have a good imagination and a good grasp of theme and tone. I am very interested to see where you take your ideas.”
“I’ll probably run them right off a cliff and into a plot hole.”
“Not on my watch,” Celestia giggled. “But why don’t we work on your book for now, and we’ll talk to Lieutenant Spear Point about some private training time in the barracks.”
“That sounds good. I just don’t want you to have to worry about protecting me when you’re trying to protect others.”
Celestia nodded, but then a very pleased and lusty look came over her while her eyes wandered over her Bean.
“Hmm,” she purred, “I am willing to bet you look fantastic in armor.”
“Armor?” Bean repeated.
“Mm-hmm.” Celestia drew out the sounds in delighted anticipation. “Mares love a stallion in uniform, after all.”
“But you are the General of the Guard, so you must have your own set somewhere, too.”
“I do, but I haven’t worn it in quite some time.”
A visible chill ran through Bean’s hide and it made his fur stand on end. “But I bet you look really, really good in it.”
“You’ll just have to wait and see,” Celestia replied with a teasing nip of his neck and an inviting flick of her tail before slowly moving away.
“I am the luckiest stallion in Equestria,” Bean muttered under his breath before chasing after his wife.
* * ✹ * *
“So, let me see,” Bean said as he looked over the paper Wysteria had just given him. “My parents on Sunday. Crystal Empire on Tuesday—after the tea date with Fluttershy and Discord—and then our ‘official’ wedding a week from then.”
“Yes, Your Highness.”
Bean glanced up and over at her. “Do you really have to call me ‘Your Highness’ every time? Is it a law, or just respectful?”
“It’s mostly out of respect, Your Highness.”
“Can we maybe modify that a bit?”
“How so?” Wysteria asked with a questioning look.
“The guards get away with just calling me ‘sir.’ Any chance you could do that too?”
“I could work on it, sir.”
“Please? I know I’m a Prince and have all sorts of fun titles and honorifics that apply to me now but I’d like to have a few reminders that I was just a common pony at one time.”
“How about I call you Sir in the palace, but revert back to the usual honorifics outside?”
“I can live with that.”
“I’ll do that then, sir. Let me see. We’re still waiting on the reply from your parents, but I’m sure that will come in any minute now. The only other thing going on for now is Day Court.”
“Any good petitioners in the queue?”
“Not yet. It seems to be the usuals. Though I’d still watch it, I’d bet my quill Celestia is going to ask for your opinion on a lot of the petitions today.”
“Yeah, I get that feeling too,” he replied before pushing the rear entrance door open. “This should be amusing, eh?”
“Could be, but since I haven’t seen Discord yet I’ll say it’s only going to be partially amusing.”
“That would be just fine by me.” Bean laughed.
Wysteria chuckled along with him as they entered, but both grew quiet when they saw Lieutenant Spear Point speaking rapidly and in low tones with both Celestia and Luna just before the throne. Bean felt a small knot of worry develop in his stomach, and he tried to make as little noise as possible as he approached all of them.
“...and we need to make sure adequate preparations are made. This upcoming wedding party has got to look like an all-you-can-eat buffet to them, and what better revenge for what happened with the Captain and Princess Cadence?”
“Bean, please, come join us,” Luna remarked with a wave of her hoof. “This concerns you too.”
“What does?”
“Changelings.” Luna’s countenance clouded over in anger. “The Lieutenant is wisely pointing out that the wedding party to formally celebrate your marriage to Celly is a perfect time to attempt an attack. We need to make sure that we don’t have a repeat occurrence.”
“Do you think a changeling is in the palace?” Bean asked the devoted guard leader.
“No, but I don’t want to take any chances either,” he replied. “The security measures that Captain Armor put in place after the last invasion have prevented any more breaches, but I’m having another sweep done of all the staff, just to be safe. I would also like to double the guard, and run continuous sky patrols. Obviously, we would scan all the guests who come into the palace, and I was going to get thoughts on perhaps placing a magic block spell on all unicorns, just to be safe.”
“I’m hesitant to take that step, Lieutenant,” Celestia replied with a heavy sigh. “It’s one thing to block magic to prevent cheating during the Equestria Games, but I’m not sure the risk to our event warrants such actions.”
“Ponies would understand, Sister.” Luna remarked. “They would do anything to make sure you are safe during the festivities.”
“I know.” Celestia paused for a long moment before exhaling slowly. “All right. Let’s block out the magic, out of an overabundance of caution.”
“Thank you, Princess,” the Lieutenant replied. “That was all I had.”
“Thank you for your dedicated service, Lieutenant,” Luna offered, and Spear Point gave a salute before walking away with a quick canter.
“I had hoped…” Celestia softly murmured.
“Hoped for what?” Bean asked with a nuzzle for her.
“When Luna married Star Struck, there was a party unlike Equestria had ever seen before,” she replied in a contemplative and reminiscent tone. “We literally threw open the gates at the old Castle and let everypony just pile in. I remember how warm and cheerful it felt, and how inviting it all was. It was so magical, to just be surrounded by friends—not our subjects—and to share in their gaiety. I was beyond happy because they were happy. For one day and one night, they didn’t have any fears, any concerns, any problems. It was like the whole world was perfect, right then and there. Everything I had wanted for my little ponies, the end goal of my life’s work, all of it. It existed for one fleeting moment. I was actually disappointed when the feeling ended, and when I found you I really had hoped that I might be able to replicate the mood.”
“I think we can,” Bean replied softly. “Even if it’s not in the same way. I would love for everypony to have such a feeling, and I bet if we talk to Cadence and Pinkie Pie we can pull it off.”
“Bean speaks the truth, Sister.” Luna added with a small smile. “Simply having a party tends to bring out much levity and mirth in our subjects already. Your formal wedding to Bean will be a moment they will remember always, and I believe it will be even more wonderful than my own.”
“I hope not,” Celestia replied with her own small smile now. “I would much rather they be equal. But, you are both right. When we visit with Cadence I will let her know these things, and I’m sure some sort of plan can be made to bring out the best in our ponies.”
“If those two can’t come up with something then I would fear the end is upon us.” Luna chuckled.
“Your Highnesses?” Wysteria piped up from behind Bean. “I hate to interrupt but we do have quite a few petitioners waiting.”
“I will meet with you both after moonrise,” Luna offered, “and we’ll review the Lieutenant’s plans. We will have a better idea of what to do once we have those.”
“Sleep well, Sister,” Celestia offered with a smile and a quick hug.
Sergeant Pokey then quickly approached Bean and Celestia while Luna walked away, and he had a sneaky smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
“Yes, Sergeant? What is it?” Celestia asked.
“I have a visitor, ma’am, who is adamant about meeting with the Prince. She is threatening to break down the staff door if her demands are not met.”
“Why haven’t you detained her?” Bean asked.
“I felt it would be a very bad career choice to arrest Duchess Lima Bean, sir.”
“Mom?!” Bean cried out in amazed happiness.
“Baked?!” Lima’s voice carried into the hall. “Will you please come here? I could really use your help right now!”
“Luna wouldn’t dare.” Bean glanced up at Celestia. “Would she?”
“I very much doubt she’s being threatening, but you better go make sure,” Celestia replied through a giggle. “I can handle things here.”
“Thanks, love you!” Bean shouted over his shoulder while he galloped over to the door. “Hang on, Mom!”
* * ✹ * *
“Are you sure we can stay in here?” Lima asked. “I would hate to be a distraction.”
“Nah, it’s ok,” Bean replied while they both watched Celestia render judgement on a petition involving whether a tomato was a fruit or a vegetable. “There’s always ponies coming in and out. We’re fine.”
“I hope so. Your new cutie mark looks good, by the way.”
“Thanks. So what brings you by the palace, Duchess? I really was just expecting you to send a message back, especially given how busy you’ve said things are.”
“Do you remember me telling you that you can have too much of a good thing?” she asked, and he nodded. “Well, that’s exactly what’s happened. Your father and I have been running our tails off trying to keep up with everything. We had to hire another cook and five waiters beyond what I told you in the letter, and we expanded our hours, but we still end up stuffed to the brim and we’ve been turning away ponies at the end of the night. Poor Grumps is fit to have a coronary, and even Sip is looking a bit ragged with all the overtime he’s worked.”
“Huh. Are you still thinking of relocating?”
“At this point it’s either that or we remodel and expand. Your father also debated if we should open a second location.”
“That’s not a bad idea, really. You’ve said before that you wanted to open a place on Main Street. You have name recognition, and I bet a quick petition to the throne would get you a loan to get it up and running.”
“The Princess would loan us money?”
“She would recommend a few good places to get the bits, actually,” he replied. “It’s a rule that we don’t give out funds directly.”
“Ah. I’ll talk it over with your father then. I personally would like to see the Zuerst remodeled, the interior is beginning to look dated and some new equipment would be useful, too.”
“Perhaps you could do both. I really don’t think you’ll be lacking for customers anytime soon.”
“No, I don’t suppose so.” Lima chuckled. “But that wasn’t the only reason I came. I wanted to see how you were holding up, how things are going. I worry about you, dear, and how you’re adjusting to everything. Are you sleeping well at night?”
“Better than I ever have before,” Bean replied with a suppressed snort of joy as he thought about his most recent evening with Celestia.
“And you’re still eating well?”
“Yes, Mom,” he said with an eyeroll. “The chefs here are really good about portion control and variety.”
“Good. I was worried you’d just start eating cake all the time.”
“You know, I have yet to see Celly eat a slice of cake. Luna’s the one who gets into the stuff all the time.”
“Really?” Lima asked with interest. “I had always heard it was Princess Celestia who loved cake. At any rate, you are still scrubbing behind your ears, right?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Let me see,” Lima demanded, and Bean let out a small shout of protest as his mother grabbed his ear and began inspecting behind it.
“Mom! Seriously?!”
“I don’t want my daughter-in-law to pick up some horrible parasite because my little Bean didn’t scrub behind his ears like he should.”
“But you have to do this here?!”
“Yes. Now quit squirming. You’re as bad as your father sometimes.”
Bean did as he was told, but he wasn’t happy about it. He folded his arms tightly and grumped as his mother folded one ear back and forth in her inspection, and he groaned when she licked behind the other one and began scrubbing with a hoof.
“Mom, this is embarrassing,” he protested. “We’re in Court right now, and you’re after non-existent dirt?”
“Oh, there’s dirt here,” Lima replied and she began scrubbing harder. “You always did have a problem with behind your ears.”
“Good afternoon, Duchess!” Celestia called out. “Is everything alright?”
“If Baked would scrub behind his ears it would be.” she muttered.
“I do.” Bean glowered while folding his arms even tighter to emphasize his point.
“I think that speck of dirt you’re trying to remove is actually a mole,” Celestia offered while walking up to them. “I’ve noticed it too and it hasn’t moved or changed at all.”
“Oh.”
Bean finally managed to twist away from his mother’s iron grip, and offered a fierce glare to the nearby guards who had been snickering the entire time.
“I’ll keep an eye on it for you, if that would help,” Celestia offered. “I certainly want him to wash behind his ears too.”
“Thank you, Princess.”
“Great,” Bean grumbled. “I’m being ganged up on now.”
“That’s the way these things work, Baked,” Lima replied with a chuckle she shared with Celestia.
“It’s good to see you again, Duchess.” Celestia provided a hug that was gladly received. “What brings you to Canterlot?”
“A few things, actually, but mostly concerns that my little Bean is behaving. If it’s alright, I would like to stay and return with you and Baked on Sunday.”
“Of course!” Celestia and Bean replied happily in unison.
“Good. Also, when you’re done with Court, I’d like to show you something.”
Bean’s eyes shrank to pinpricks, and he let out a gasp of horror.
“No, please no,” he pleaded in fear. “Not that.”
“Not what?” Celestia asked, as she looked between them.
“The Photo Album,” Bean whispered in dread.
* * ✹ * *
“...and this one! Ha! He’s only about 13 months old in this picture, I think. I still don’t know how he got up onto the counter, but I was finding flour in his diaper for weeks after that.”
Bean groaned with an embarrassed smile as Celestia and Luna giggled at the antics of Little Baked Bean. Celestia was naturally interested in hearing all of the compromising and humiliating stories that her new mother-in-law had on her husband, and Luna had eagerly forced her way into Celestia’s library as soon as she had awoken and heard that Lima was present. Bean had made her swear on her moon not to take notes, but he was pretty extra sure her razor-sharp mind was recording all of these incidents for future use anyway.
“My little Twilight did something like that once,” Luna remarked. “We had just harvested the spring wheat, and she somehow got into a sizeable pile of grain while we were helping to thresh and sort the chaff off. I was sure she would sprout a rather healthy crop in the dirt behind each ear, a fact I used to my advantage to ensure she scrubbed behind them.”
“I didn’t know you had a daughter, Princess,” Lima said with a note of interest.
Luna smiled with a glint of fond remembrance in her eye. “Twilight Starbright, yes. My Wee Rascal. She was smart, but always into mischief. I’m sure I only know about half of the pranks she pulled on poor old Starswirl, but she was always the first to jump in and help out with anything that needed to be done.”
“You had braces?” Celestia asked while peering at another picture.
“Ah, yeah.” Bean groaned. “Those things were the bane of my existence. I couldn’t wait to get them off.”
“Do you still wear your retainer, Baked?” Lima asked.
“No. I don’t need to,” he replied with a slight edge in his voice.
“Yes you do. Doctor Smile Bright said you had to wear it for the rest of your life to overcome that tongue thrust that knocked your teeth out in the first place.”
“Mom, I broke that thing a month after I got it.”
“You did? Good gracious, son, we spent good money on those braces! Your mouth must be a mess!”
“I think it’s just perfect,” Celestia whispered with a wink for her besieged husband.
“Open up, let me see,” Lima demanded, and she clucked in disapproval when Bean complied. “Hmpf. At least you’re brushing good. This kid didn’t brush his teeth for his entire junior year. The root canal finally cured that.”
Luna tried very hard not to chortle… well, not that hard.
“I suppose it doesn’t look too bad in there,” Lima finally announced. “I assume you have access to a dentist, so you’d better get regular checkups and cleanings. I don’t want to hear about any cavities, all right?”
“Yes, Mom,” Bean offered in utter defeat.
“And you’d better make sure you see a doctor about your—”
“I will!” Bean quickly interrupted. “Can we please not discuss that right now?!”
“Fine, but just make sure you keep an eye on it,” Lima replied before chuckling slightly and turning her attention to Celestia. “Garbanzo and I had a few conversations about how we could best embarrass Baked in front of his special somepony.”
“Naturally,” Luna replied in knowing tones.
“But he really is a sweetheart at the core.” Lima smiled at her son, and he returned it to her bashfully. “And I’m glad he ended up here, with you. When Garbanzo sent him off to find himself, I was worried about what would happen to him. I thought his place was with us at the Zuerst, cooking. What if he ran into ruffians, or thugs, or what if some hussy bamboozled him out of the bits we’d given him? What if he got hurt, or lost, or couldn’t find something to eat? I just wanted him to be safe, and warm, and happy. I can tell he’s found all that with both of you here. He’s in good hooves.”
“Should we tell her about your warm reception?” Bean asked Luna, and he snickered a bit when a hit of red flared on her cheeks.
“Reception?” Lima asked.
“Oh, it wasn’t that bad,” Luna replied in an attempt to recover from her embarrassment. “I simply threatened to execute him and then threw him against a wall. What sister-in-law hasn’t done that?”
“Your aunt Sieva threatened to castrate your father when she met him,” Lima replied in a ho-hum tone. “And Grandpa Soy was extremely precise about how your father should treat me and the punishments that would be doled out if he did not. It’s really quite amazing that they didn’t run him off. I’m sure you were just letting Baked know that you would tolerate no shenanigans, right?”
“Right! Exactly!” Luna agreed with an earnest nod of her head. “And he’s behaved himself, with a few exceptions, ever since then.”
“Good. Now, Baked, are you getting out and exercising? You’ll go all flabby if you don’t get out and run a couple times a week, and we don’t need a flabby Prince.”
“Are you sure you have to stay here until Sunday?” Bean asked in mock agony, but with a smile.
* * ✹ * *
“The north tower is the best room in the whole palace,” Celestia said to Lima while they exited the library. “You should be quite comfortable there. Just follow Sergeant Clover Leaf and she’ll make sure you get anything else you need.”
“Thank you, Princess,” Lima replied with a smile and a yawn. “That’s very kind of you.”
“It’s the least we can do for family.”
“This’ll be the first time I’ve gotten to bed before dawn since your wedding, I think,” Lima replied with a chuckle. “I’m going to enjoy the quiet. Good night, Your Highnessess.”
“Good night, Mom,” Bean replied. “We’ll see you in the morning.”
“I should be tending to my duties as well,” Luna remarked as Lima and Clover walked away. “I bid you both good night and fair dreams.”
“Good night, Lulu.” Celestia replied with a quick hug. Luna took a few steps away from them, but then stopped and glanced over her shoulder.
“You both might want to try to keep it down tonight. If I can hear you in my room, then I’m sure Lima will be able to hear things that… well, you know. Those personal, intimate things that you might not want your mother to hear necessarily.”
“You can hear us?” Celestia asked in shock as Bean went bright red and stammered in embarrassment.
“Good evening, you two.”
Luna then simply vanished in a swirl of her dark magic that Bean could swear left behind the sound of a mischievous giggle.
“She can really hear us?” Bean asked. “That’s really mortifying if she can.”
“I think she’s just kidding,” Celestia replied before giving him a kiss. “But just in case she’s not, I just happen to know a silencing spell.”
“You are the greatest wife in the history of ever.”
“Indeed I am,” she replied with a nuzzle for his ear. “And I fully intend to prove it, right here and now.”
“Well, who am I to deny the Princess?” Bean replied softly. “Let us away, my dear.”
“Are you sure you want me to attend this reunion?” Luna asked for the third time in as many minutes. She was feeling like a fifth horseshoe within the tight and happy group already, and a visit to her sister’s in-laws didn’t seem to be the way to cure the ailment.
“Of course we do!” Lima replied while everypony was climbing into the passenger car of the train. “You are family, and all family members are invited. I think everypony would be rather disappointed if you didn’t come.”
“They would?”
Bean let out a rather large and solid scoff. “Mung, upon seeing your picture in the paper after your return, proclaimed to the entire Bean Clan that he was going to marry you one day.”
“I see,” Luna said with a chuckle. “But does he still feel this way?”
“No, he hasn’t mentioned it lately,” Lima replied over the clanking lurch of the train’s start. “He actually has a marefriend, last I heard. What was her name, Baked, do you remember?”
“I think it was Chowder,” he replied in thought. “Or something to do with sugar. Something like that.”
“At any rate, I’m sure he still thinks highly of you,” Lima continued. “I’m pretty sure Fava wanted to meet you too. I do know for sure that Lentil will be super excited to meet you, Celestia. She’s a huge fan of yours.”
“Oh, really?” Celestia asked with amusement.
“Very much. She has just about any merchandise that relates to you, and that’s all she ever wants for Hearth’s Warming and Birthday gifts. She has posters of you up in her room, and plush dolls, and the books you’ve authored. She’s even been saving up for the last few months so she could make the trip to Canterlot and meet you face-to-face. There was a bit of concern that she would spontaneously combust with happiness when she heard about the marriage. She’ll be beyond the moon happy to actually have a chance to talk to you.”
“Well, I will be pleased to speak with her,” Celestia replied. “She sounds like a charming mare.”
“Oh, she is. Baked has some of the best cousins that you could ask for.”
“Can’t say I don’t,” Bean added with a laugh.
“Princess?” Wysteria piped up from behind them. “Here’s the budget, like you asked.”
“Ah, yes. Thank you,” Celestia replied as she took the hefty stack of paper in her magic. “Lima, I’m afraid Bean and I need to review this, otherwise Minister Penny Wise is going to give me quite the stern lecture about passing her budgets in a timely manner, and there is nothing worse than being lectured in monotone. You’re welcome to sit in with us, if you’d like.”
“No, that’s all right.” Lima replied with a soft grin. “I think I’ll just relax, if I may.”
“Please do. Just let Wysteria know if you need anything. Luna, would—”
“Don’t you dare drag me into that numerical nightmare,” Luna threatened. “Those budgetary analyses are like little gremlins, I swear.”
“Fair enough.” Celestia laughed. “Bean and I will handle this.”
“Save yourselves!” Bean whispered before earning a nip on his ear from his wife.
“Wysteria?” Luna called out.
“Yes?”
“What do we have for refreshments?”
“All of the usual things, Princess. What would you like?”
Luna glanced over at Lima before replying. “Perhaps some rye crackers and cheese, and a nice tea to go with it if you please.”
“I know just the thing. I’ll be right back in a moment.”
“Thank you,” Luna offered, and then she turned her full attention to Lima. Bean’s mother had settled in on the cushions in the back of the rail car and was looking through her photo album with a wistful and slightly depressed expression.
Luna was fairly confident she knew what Lima was thinking, but she decided to have a motherly chat with her about it just to be sure, and to also pass the time. There was a warm smile for the new Duchess as Luna eased down next to her, and a small smile was returned before Lima again looked over the photos of her Baked as a foal.
“Not a fan of budgets I take it?” Lima asked with a short laugh.
“I have dealt with snooty ministers, stuck-up magistrates, prideful dukes, and wasteful barons, squared off against the deepest and darkest monsters spawned of Tartarus, ancient sasquatch foes, legions of armies that have stretched off beyond the horizon and thunderous dragons that have nearly ended my life, and yet none of that has been more frightening than the budget proposals of our modern day. I really don’t know how Celly does it.”
“I’ve told Garbanzo that the only power that might be able to truly defeat you and Princess Celestia is the power of compound interest.”
“It just might.” Luna laughed lightly, then paused. “I wonder what became of my back pay while I was away from the position.”
Lima looked as if she were taking the jest seriously and calculating a number with a great number of zeros before Luna shook her head and turned her attention to the photo album as well. There was a pause as they both looked over the snapshots of Baked Bean’s early years, but then Lima pointed to one and chuckled softly.
“This was the first cake Baked ever baked by himself, and from scratch no less. It was a delicious three-tier, and I still don’t know how he got that frosting to be so light. It was like he had made chocolate rain clouds somehow. I thought for sure he was going to get his cutie mark that day. I was so proud of him, and what he’d done.”
“They grow up too fast, don’t they?”
“Far too fast,” Lima agreed in a soft voice. “And then they fly away from the nest. I’m glad he’s with Celestia, and that he’s found his place in the world, I really am. I just…”
“It is a bittersweet thing,” said Luna after a moment. “You are overwhelmed with a great sense of pride and accomplishment when you see how your child has grown and what they can now do, but yet there is that loss of their presence in your daily life. You’ve grown so accustomed to their laugh, their smile, that it’s a shock when they are no longer there. A small part of your heart wants them to stay, but yet you scream for them to be great, to show the world the majesty that you have always seen within them.”
“I suppose you get used to the emptiness eventually.”
“You do, but only because it is filled with your joy over their success. I know I could nearly burst with pride when I would receive the letters back from my little Twilight while she was out on her quest.”
“Quest?”
“Twilight was a curious thing, but mostly in the field of alchemy. She spent three years traversing across Equestria and beyond, searching for anything and everything that could be used to make a pony’s life better. Many of the modern medicines we now enjoy come from her early research. When she did return, she turned to what we would now call laboratory work and the magic began to flow. She did much for the advancement of Equestria.”
“Did she have a family?”
“She did, in time.” Luna was lost in thought, and her smile grew. “You know, for all of her advancements in science, it was her family that always brought me the greatest amount of joy. Watching her struggle through newlywed life, then maturing as a mother to her own little brood was just as impressive to me as anything else she accomplished. She was the type of daughter that I could be proud of, no matter what she did. Your Baked Bean will be the same.”
“I hope so,” Lima replied. “He is a wonderful son, and he has many talents to share. I don’t worry about his future, but I will miss the past.”
“Thankfully, the good parts of the past are never truly gone. They simply move around a bit.”
“I suppose so. But I really need you to answer a burning question I have.”
“Oh? What is that?”
Lima paused, glanced over at Bean and Celestia for a moment, and then back to Luna.
“Is being a grandmother all that it’s cracked up to be?”
Luna’s smile nearly consumed her face. “Are you kidding? You have full permission to spoil your grandfoals rotten, give them all kinds of presents their parents would normally object to, and then send them home when they’re all hyped up on sugar. You’ll love it.”
* * ✹ * *
Bean had thought at one point in his life that he would never want to put a hoof inside the Zuerst again in his life.
Now, he couldn’t wait to do so.
Upon his arrival in Salt Lick, the Royals had been met by Mayor Rubber Stamp and a large and excited crowd of cheering ponies who filled the depot area proper. He had expected this because Celestia had told him that it would happen, and yet he still was still surprised to find more than thirty ponies in one place, and that all of them were there to see him, the unexpected prince from their hometown. A marching band—from Bean’s alma mater, of course—was playing Hail to The Crown, and large banners and posters shouting Bean’s praises were scattered amongst the happy throng.
This was all definitely something that he was going to have to adjust to.
Thankfully, the Mayor’s remarks to the throng were brief, and so were Celestia’s, and the meeting at City Hall with the city council had been pleasant but a bit dry. Sadly, most of the conversation was simply everypony trying to brown-nose their way into good graces and potential royal appointments.
Celestia had also been very clear that they were due at the family reunion promptly at two, so when the time came for their departure Celestia and Luna both gracefully excused themselves and marched neatly out to the waiting chariots with Bean in tow, despite several efforts to waylay them for just a few minutes more.
“There’s so much more about this job that you need to show me,” Bean remarked as they began moving down the street at a brisk clip.
“Extracting yourself from meetings will be a bit tricky,” Luna replied, “but you mostly need to stand your ground and exert some authority. You’ll have plenty of opportunities to practice, don’t worry.”
“Yeah, I don’t doubt that for a moment.”
“Just make sure that you are clear on your ending time. It’s very difficult for a pony to detain you when they know that.”
“Got it.”
“So, my Love,” Celestia now asked with a nip in his mane, “you know I hate walking into a battle blind. What should we know about your family, beyond what we already know?”
“I think you’ve gotten all the pertinent details, really. Most of my relationals will probably be a bit shy at first given that there will be two princesses in their immediate vicinity, but I don’t think it’ll take long for them to warm up. I’m the oldest out of my cousins, Mung is about twenty, I think, and the rest of them are teenagers. Don’t know if it matters, but there you go. Oh! There may be one awkward thing.”
“Oh?” Celestia asked with a peaked eyebrow. “And what is that?”
“Grandpa Soy and Grandma Pole may offer the somewhat crazy theory that ponies shouldn’t be able to fly.”
“They don’t like pegasi?” Luna asked as her own wings ruffled.
“No, they like pegasi. They just have this weird thought that ponies shouldn’t be able to fly. I know it’s strange, but it’s the way they are. We just smile and nod when it comes up.”
“If the subject comes up then we will let Celly handle it diplomatically.” Luna replied with a casual inspection of one of her shoes. “She is the best at that sort of thing.”
“I will certainly do the best I can,” Celestia added, “but I am a princess to all ponies, and I will defend the pegasi if I must.”
“Oh, I would be really surprised if it came to that,” Bean replied with a shrug. “There’s a good chance they won’t even broach the matter.”
“What are your thoughts on their beliefs?” Luna queried with a inquisitive expression.
“Me? Oh, I never understood it. It’s no stranger to me that a pony can fly than a pony can use magic. It’s our differences that make us all better ponies.”
Bean blushed a bit but smiled happily when Celestia gave him a loving nuzzle for his remarks.
“Good answer, my Love.”
~*~
“Princess Luna! Welcome!” Garbanzo Bean proclaimed grandly while he and Lima bowed deeply in respect. “And welcome back, Princess Celestia! We are honored to have both of you here as our guests.”
“All right, Garbanzo, you may dispense with the pleasantries,” Celestia replied, and her magic yanked both of them up and over to her for a rather large and familial hug. “We’re family here, and there’s no need for all that. It’s good to see you again too. How has business been? Are you able to keep up with the demand?”
“Business couldn’t be better, Your Highness.” he replied while she set them down.
“Oh, pfft.” Celestia blew a raspberry and waved a hoof at him. “Celly, please. You can keep the ‘Your Highness’ for something formal.”
“Where is everypony, Dad?” Bean asked with a glance around the suspiciously empty restaurant.
“We gave everypony the day off since we were shutting down anyway, and I believe your cousins and grandparents should be here shortly.”
“Probably got held up in security,” Luna dryly remarked.
“I’m afraid that could be the case,” Celestia replied with a nod of understanding.
“Your new cutie mark looks nice, Bean Buddy,” Garbanzo remarked. “Just as good as the one in the photo you sent your mom.”
Luna firmly placed her tongue in the side of her cheek. “You sent your mother a photograph of your changed cutie mark?”
“Yes.” Bean considered the expression, or more correctly the lack of expression on Luna’s face. “Is there something wrong?”
“You took a photo of your rear end,” said Luna in a slow and deliberate tone, “and sent it to your mother.” The tiniest bit of a smile began to show at the corners of Luna’s lips. “I’m never going to let you two live this one down.”
“Ok, har-har.” Bean laughed sardonically. “For the record it was a side profile picture, not just my rear.”
“Honestly, Luna.” Celestia tisked before her resolve crumbled into an expression that could only described as lecherous. “There is no way I would send Duchess Lima such a picture unless I first made and kept a copy for myself.”
“Yeah. So, when I… wait. Did you really?” Bean asked with a furious blush on his cheeks.
Thankfully for Bean, this rather embarrassing turn in the conversation was interrupted by the arrival of his extended family, and a gleeful feeling overtook him as he watched everypony file into the restaurant. He had been fairly close with his cousins growing up, and he wanted everypony to meet the most marvelous mare that could ever be, so it wasn’t hard for his excitement to build pressure quickly. There was playful chatter and laughing between them all, and Bean was amazed to see how much everypony had changed, matured, and grown. The once a year reunions were far too infrequent, they needed to have these more often.
All noise stopped once everypony was in and the door secured behind them, and all offered a courteous bow to the Princesses.
“Rise, my little ponies. This sign of respect is appreciated but unnecessary within these walls.” Celestia replied with a smile.
“Truly, it has been some time since my sister and I had the ability to take part in a reunion of family. It is we who are honored to be here with you.” Luna added from her grateful heart.
There was an awkward pause at this point, and it was clear the new Beans didn’t know what to say that would be appropriate.
But then Baked Bean made his move, and he practically dove head-first into the crowd. “Grams! Granpa! It’s good to see you guys!”
“Bean!” The ice was quite thoroughly broken as a hug was shared with them in elation. “What in the world have you been up to?”
“Oh, nothing much. Just decided to marry a Princess, y’know. How have you been?”
“What in Equestria did you do to your cutie mark?” Grams asked with a laugh.
Both Princesses smiled as an explosion of conversation occurred among the cousins. It was heartwarming to see the hugs, the ‘how’s it been?’ and the hearty back slaps being passed around like a Hearth’s Warming feast. It also wasn’t very long until a light blue stallion and a purple pegasus mare gathered up enough nerve to approach and make eye contact with Luna.
“Wait.” Luna held up a hoof. “Let me guess. You are Mung, are you not?”
“Uh…” Mung was quite obviously taken aback. “Yes, Your Highness.”
“Luna, please. After all, we both know what you were dreaming about when you found I had returned from exile.”
Oh how Luna loved watching stallions go red in the face when she did that! It never had gotten old. Perhaps she would paint her room with that particular shade of embarrassed red.
“Look, uh… that was… I mean, well…”
“Never fear, my good Mung. Your secret is safe with me,” Luna replied with a wink before turning her attention to the mare. “Now, who might you be?”
“Sugar Sweet, Your… I mean, Luna,” she replied, “but everypony calls me Chowder. It is such an honor to meet you.”
“Likewise. Are you Mung’s special somepony then?”
She offered up a light and playful giggle while throwing a wing over him. “You could say that, yes. In fact, if it’s not too presumptuous of us, we were wondering if we could ask you to be the officiator at our wedding.”
The room suddenly went silent. All eyes immediately focused on Chowder, and Luna could feel the squeal of excitement building in the air.
“Mung, sweetie?” One of the older mint green mares asked in delight. “Did I just hear that right?”
Mung had the dopiest smile of all time on his face, and his eyes darted about for a moment before he raised his head high and put an arm over Chowder’s withers.
“Mom. Dad. I asked Chow—”
Mung stopped to swallow and trade a gooey glance with the mare at his side. “Sugar Sweet to marry me,” he blurted out in nearly one word.
Every last male in the room was rendered momentarily deaf and winced in unison as the piercing shout of overjoyed delight finally hit critical mass and escaped its containment field.
A tidal wave of estrogen then hit the room, sweeping all mares hapless enough to be in its path towards the newest addition to the Bean pool. Celestia and Luna were no exception, nor did they want to be, and a group hug like none other was shared by all.
“Such wonderful news!” Grandma Flageolet remarked when the hug was over. “Now we can have a two-way challenge!”
“Challenge?” Bean asked with a confused look that matched Celestia’s. “What challenge?”
“Oh, nothing too bad. It’s just that if Celestia and Chowder want to be Beans, they have to cook us a meal.”
“Ma, I thought we said we weren’t going to do that,” the green mare who had to be Cannellini replied in a worried whisper.
“You said that. I said we needed to. It’s tradition.”
“What?” Bean asked with confusion dripping off the word and puddling on the floor. “Why have I never heard of this?”
“Well, the last wedding was your Aunt Adzuki, so we haven’t needed to discuss it.” Flageolet replied with a grandmotherly smile.
“This is a real thing? You didn’t make this up?”
“It’s a real thing, Bean Buddy,” Garbanzo replied this time. “For as long as there has been Beans, there has been the Code of the Beans.”
The heads of all senior Beans dipped in reverence.
“Why is this the first time I’m hearing about this ‘code?’”
“‘Cause it’s a married thing. Ma?”
“All mares must undertake the Challenge in order to be considered a true Bean.” Flageolet replied solemnly. “It has been so, it is so, and it must remain so.”
“What sort of a meal must I cook?” Celestia asked with an intrigued look.
“That is up to you. The kitchen, and all food within it, is available to use. You may select one female Bean to give you suggestions, but it must be you who cooks.”
Luna had a thoughtful smile on her face, and she took a turn now. “And any mare may take this challenge?”
“Any mare who wishes to be a Bean.”
“I’m in,” Luna then announced. “I always did enjoy a good challenge.”
“Very well,” Flageolet said with a smile.
“I guess that settles it,” Celestia added with a laugh. “It would be highly embarrassing to be excluded and you included. Count me in too.”
“Chowder, are you in?” Flageolet asked.
“I don’t know if…” she stalled, and the self-doubt was clearly drawn on her face. Luna placed a wing over the unsettled pegasi, and she dropped her head down to her level.
“Chowder, do you love that stallion?” Luna asked in a fiercely determined voice while pointing a hoof at Mung.
“Of course I do!”
“Then let me tell you what love does to a mare. When she is deeply and truly in love she will cross the ends of the earth and come back again for her special somepony. No barbarian army would be too large, no sea would be too vast to cross, no magic would be strong enough keep her from the tender embrace of her intended. A mare who loves as much as you do would cut down the mightiest tree in the Everfree Forest with a herring to have the one she desires, would she not?”
“I suppose…” Chowder couldn’t help but chuckle at that, but the message was taking root.
“A mare who loves as much as you do would push the city of Cloudsdale aside by herself if it stood between her and her intended, would she not?”
“Yeah!” Chowder replied with a determined look that was growing in intensity.
“And a mare who loves as much as you do would battle broccoli and reduce radishes to rinds to have what is hers! Am I not right?!”
“Yeah!” Chowder shouted. “I’ll do it! I’m in!”
Flageolet’s smile had a hint of deviousness and she nodded once.
“Then let us begin.”
~*~
“I swear, I had no idea that this was a thing that happened.” Bean remarked as the three potential inductees straightened their toques.
“Don’t worry about it, my love.” Celestia replied. “This will be fun, I can tell. Besides, all I have to do is make my pancakes. We both know I’m a shoo-in with those.”
“Baked! Get out of here!” Flageolet shouted. “Mares only!”
“I’m going, Nana! I’m going!” he replied. “Good luck, Love.”
“Thanks,” she replied with a quick nip to his ear.
Bean then reluctantly left the kitchen, leaving Celestia to inhale deeply and give a grunt of determination while looking everything over.
She was going to own this, and claim her Bean anew.
“So, what are the rules for this contest of ours?” Luna asked.
“You have them all already,” Cannellini replied before nudging Lentil. “Pay attention. You’ll need to help us do this when Haricot finds his special somepony.”
“Shall we begin?” Luna asked.
“Start whenever you are ready,” Cannellini replied with a nod.
“Sister! Chowder! Quickly, to me!”
“Huh?” Chowder offered.
“She means she wants us to come over to where she is.” Celestia sighed.
“There is no time to waste! Come, come!” Luna offered with an urgent waving of her hoof.
“C’mon.” Celestia sighed with a gentle bump of Chowder’s shoulder. “We better see what she wants or she’ll start pouting.”
“I will not!” Luna replied with a fierce pout. “I simply wish to establish battle plans.”
“Battle plans?” Chowder asked.
Luna shushed her with a fierce shushing, as if the mares who were standing five feet away couldn’t hear them and she didn’t want them to.
“The rules for this contest are very open and loose,” Luna replied in a soft whisper, and the other two moved in a bit closer to ensure they heard her. “Thus, we can use this to our advantage.”
“Oh?” Celestia asked.
“Indeed. This is not much of a challenge, considering that they have laid out no standards to judge by, no time limit within which to work, and no effort is being made to separate us. I thus propose we pool our efforts together. We can ensure the success of all in this manner.”
Celestia gave a pleased laugh, and she leaned in closer to Chowder. “Lulu has always been one of the finest strategic minds we have in Equestria. I think she’s on to something, and I say we follow her lead. What do you think? Care to join us?”
“Are you kidding?!” Chowder replied with a huge grin. “Who’s dumb enough to say no to cooking with the Princesses? I’m with you!”
“Excellent! Now, Luna, I propose that we should ask Lentil to assist us in this undertaking.”
There was a high-pitched noise from somewhere behind the gathered mares that would translate out to “Me?” if lowered by a few octaves. A hesitant, light-brown young mare then slowly pushed her way through the crowd, and she bowed deeply before the Princesses.
“What do you say, Lentil?” Celestia asked with an abundance of kindness. “Would you care to help me?”
“Do you really want me to?” she whispered.
“Indeed I do. Come, what would you recommend for us to prepare?”
Lentil straightened, and she took in a long, deep breath.
“Here it comes!” Cannellini warned.
“Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!” Lentil exploded. “I have been dying to meet you for the longest time, Princess, and now! Now I can actually cook with you?!”
“Lima!” Cannellini called out. “We need some paper bags, pronto!”
~*~
“It’s too quiet in there,” Bean remarked softly in worry. Despite being in the familiar setting of his childhood and among his family, he couldn’t help but be worried. He had faith in Celestia’s abilities, of course; he firmly believed she could do anything. But yet there remained that nugget of doubt: could she cook? Her pancakes were good, but perhaps he was biased. Would a palate more open to scrutiny still see things the same way he did? Should she not hold up to Nana’s standards, would she really deny her? How could she? They were already married. And since when was he a prize to be won?
A small smile broke through the worry. His Celly must really love him if she would rise up and take on this challenge to ‘win’ him.
“Hey! Bean Buddy!” Garbanzo gave his son a friendly nudge. “Stop worrying! Chowder is no stranger to a kitchen, and the Princesses have got to have picked up some cooking skills in the last thousand years. They’ll do fine.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” Bean sighed. “I just didn’t realize my Nana was running a cult.”
“Bean, Buddy. Do you really think that your Grandmother is involved in something nefarious?”
Baked Bean gave his father a long, long look, then slowly shook his head. “I guess it’s better not to know. Uncle Budge, did you have to do this too?”
“Nah, Pinto and your Dad had their own initiation ceremony. I remember that Ghost peppers were involved, but then it gets a little hazy.” A distant look overcame the balding, mustachioed stallion. “Woke up spooning a dairy cow with the worst case of dry mouth ever. Nothing happened, but she still gave me a weird look. I haven’t been back to Green Hill’s farm since.”
“Oh! So that’s why we get a Hearth’s Warming card from Moonica every year!” Haricot proclaimed while his father tried to hide behind his flagon of cider.
Pinto chuckled and smacked Garbanzo’s shoulder. “That was a pretty good one, wasn’t it?”
“I hope Chowder isn’t feeling overwhelmed,” Mung said out of nowhere. His doubts and concerns were beyond obvious while he passed Bean a warm mug of cider and continued. “I mean, she was worried enough about how everypony would take the news before we found out that Celestia and Luna were coming.”
Bean took a quick sip from the tankard, and then he sniffed the liquid. “Where did you get this from?”
“This? Oh, it’s fresh batch Dad and I just made to celebrate,” Mung replied. “Had to use some Greenland apples, though. It’s not as good, but it works.”
Bean nodded once and took a deep and long swig. It wasn’t Sweet Apple Acres good, but it was good enough. A little more tart, and the cinnamon was a bit more rich, but decent enough.
Uncle Pinto offered a few words of encouragement to Mung, but Bean didn’t hear what he said. He couldn’t help but look over to the still closed door to the kitchen with a million worried thoughts in his own head. He could faintly hear the clattering utensils and pots, but that did nothing to calm him.
“So?” It was Jumping Bean who poked the distracted Prince. “How did you do it?”
“Do what?” Bean asked with a confused glance towards his cousin who was on the cusp of stallionhood.
“Bag the Princess, of course! OW!” A swift hoof to the back of the impetuous teen’s head from Pinto seemed to silence him.
“That’s the diarch of our good nation, and a lady, colt. Don’t be so crude,” Pinto glowered at his son before looking to his nephew turned Prince. “But he does have a good point though. How did you do it?”
“You guys did see the story in the papers, right?” Bean couldn’t help but dislike how the stallions of his family now looked at him. Was it awe? Envy?
“Yes, yes, it was all there, but it still doesn’t explain how this all happened,” Pinto replied in bewilderment. “You gotta admit this whole thing is beyond surreal.”
“Tell me about it,” Balanced Budget exclaimed. “I read it in the paper, saw the pictures, heard it from Lima and Garbo and yet I still expected it to be a practical joke when I came here today. Oh, no offense Bean.”
“No, it’s alright. It sure felt like that when she told me about the Law, believe me.” Bean gave a distant look down into his half empty mug. “I still wake up sometimes and can’t believe it. I just… it was surreal, sure. The Law, Luna’s antagonism, the forced wedding, all of that was like some kind of waking nightmare at times. But then we’d talk, and she’d look at me with those eyes, and the expression on her face…”
Bean smiled warmly while the memories of his unorthodox courtship passed rapidly before him in review. “I guess we were both looking for something a bit more in life. I wanted to find my place in the world, and Celly was… well, I don’t know if I’ll ever know fully what brought Celestia to me, or what she sees in me. All I know is that when she is with me, and when I’m with her, we feel complete. It’s almost like we’re the last piece of the puzzle that was needed in each of our lives.”
The silence between the stallions was held in thoughtful and respectful silence for a moment before being broken by Haricot.
“So, with you being married and all, does that mean you and the Princess share a bed?”
Bean’s cheeks flushed red yet again, and he glanced around in an effort for somepony to step in and help him out of this awkward question. When nopony did he had no choice to answer truthfully.
“Um, well… yeah.”
All at once he could sense things go a bit more quiet and he could almost feel a rise in testosterone. He was afraid of what was going to be asked next.
“Huh. So… ”
Bean felt like he was staring down a fully loaded freight train bound for Dead Horse Pass at full speed, and he grabbed frantically at the only metaphorical brake lever he could see.
“Have you and Chowder decided on an exact date, Mung?”
And just like that everything gently eased back into normality. Bean knew the question was on their minds, but the Beans always were a proper sort, regardless of who their partner was, and they all knew there were some things a gentlestallion simply did not discuss. He smiled in unison with Mung’s dopey grin, and he eagerly listened as the plans for the next wedding were laid out before them.
~*~
“That is quite the… uh, unique method you have there, Princess Luna,” Cannellini remarked with wide eyes. The Mare of Eventide was, at that precise moment, disemboweling a squash by running the largest chef’s knife she could find through what would be equate to an abdomen on the cucurbita, flicking the knife down the length of it in a smooth and lethal stroke, and then quickly trimming the seeds out with the tip of her blade.
“Just Luna, please. We are family here, are we not, Aunt Cani?”
“The Princess of the Moon is calling me Aunt.” Cannellini muttered with a shake of her head. “This’ll be a good one for my therapist.”
“No, no, no.” Lentil stopped Celestia before she poured the chopped carrots into the pot before her. “Vegetable oil and some heat first, then the carrots. Trust me.”
“Here, you’ll want just a dash of paprika in there, too,” Lima added. “Gives it a little kick.”
“I thought only one Bean Clan member was allowed to help,” Celestia remarked with a grin.
“Ah, yes, but the problem is the Code of the Beans isn’t very well enforced,” Lima replied with a devious grin. “We should really work on that.”
The other mares in the kitchen—who had all begun to prep some component of the upcoming meal on their own—agreed heartily with Lima’s statement while laughing.
“Chowder?” Pole called out. “How did you meet Mung, anyway?”
“We met in college, actually,” Chowder replied with a tittering laugh. “We had an Equish class together, and I asked him to join me at lunch one day. We really started to bond after we found out when we both were really into Unification-era history, and that we both admired Princess Luna. I mean, did you girls know she once took a force of 500 ponies and managed to decimate an opposing force of sasquatch three times their size?”
Luna chuckled a bit, and her blade met the cutting board before her with a solid thunk. “That was quite the battle, but I fear the details of the First Sasquatchary Wars have become distorted over the years. While I had complete faith in my regiments, there is simply no way I would bring them to oppose such a numerically superior army. Our forces were equal in strength on that occasion, but superior training won the day.”
“That doesn’t ruin the magic, does it?” Celestia asked Chowder.
“No, that actually makes complete sense. Back then you could win and lose battles based simply on the number of fighters you had. Besides, weren’t those 500 all pegasi?”
“Indeed they were. The Sasquatch never were able to develop an effective defense against flying ponies.”
“Flying ponies,” Pole muttered under her breath with a scoff.
“Ma, not now,” Lima warned with a groan. “Don’t ruin the mood, please?”
“What? I’m sure you told her about my feelings on the matter. It’s just not right.”
“Why don’t you like pegasi?” Chowder asked, with perhaps a bit more of an edge in her voice than she intended.
“Oh, I love pegasi. Finest workers I ever employed, they were always the best and most consistent tippers, and I’ve yet to meet one I haven’t instantly liked. You are a very intelligent mare, and you and Mung will be outstanding together. I simply think that it’s strange that you can fly.”
“Why is that?” Celestia asked.
“Look at the physical makeup of any pony in Equestria. We all are built to traverse the earth. Our hooves, our legs, our muscle groupings and skeletal features, all of it. Don’t you think pegasi should be more adapted to the sky and the clouds? Shouldn’t their form and design be different?”
“But what if the pony form is the best for flying?” Luna pressed.
“Please, can we not get into this?” Lima begged.
“Yes, let’s not discuss this now,” Pole agreed with a nod. “I know my viewpoint is very strange and slightly offensive, and this is meant to be a happy time. Chowder, you will be a fantastic Bean. Don’t let this old and senile mare make you think otherwise.”
“Thanks,” Chowder replied. “And I can actually understand where you’re coming from, a little.”
“I’ll talk it over with you later. For now, do you and Mung have a date set?”
“It depends on if Pri—” She stopped, then tried again. “If Luna is willing to perform our marriage.”
“I would be most honored to wed the cousin of my brother-in-law,” Luna proclaimed with a broad smile. “What do you have in mind?”
“Well, we were thinking of a midnight wedding, under the moonlight on an open veranda or plaza, perhaps somewhere in Canterlot.” Chowder sighed, but Luna’s eyes lit up and she leaned forward with a badly suppressed smile.
“I am an instant fan of this idea. Please go on.”
~*~
“So why does everyone call her Chowder?” Garbanzo asked.
“Ah, yeah.” Mung laughed. “It’s actually an old family nickname. She loved chowder as a filly, couldn’t get enough of it. I think her father gave it to her, but I’m not quite sure.”
“Not bad. Better that how we came up with Uncle Budge, eh?” Garbanzo laughed and ribbed Balanced Budget with a wink. “How are things over at the Waffle Emporium, by the way?”
“Steady, but perhaps a bit slow,” Budget replied. “I don’t think I’ll have to go back to selling shower curtain rings anytime soon, but I have had to make a cut here and there. Think I can get in on that popularity wave you’ve been riding?”
“That’s easy enough,” Bean piped up. “Celestia and I will stop by sometime and have a meal there. You’ll be swamped for months after that.”
“That would probably do it,” he chuckled. “Thanks, Bean.”
“What good is royal position if I can’t abuse it for a little nepotism, right?”
“Right,” Budget laughed with the others.
“What’s it like living in the Palace?” Pinto asked now. “It’s gotta be a pretty sweet gig.”
“Actually, if I’m being totally honest it does have some annoyances. Yeah, everything is gilded or plush, but it’s really hard to do anything for yourself. Really, that’s been the biggest adjustment. I don’t have to make my bed anymore, I don’t have to sweep and mop, or wash dishes, or go buy more supplies, or do laundry, or even write if I wanted. There’s a pony for all of that and more, so Celestia and I can focus on meetings and legislation. Oh, and the meetings!” He laughed in annoyance. “Those meetings! It’s amazing how much Celestia needs to be involved with things. Most of it I get and it makes sense, but I really have wondered why more local decisions can’t be made.”
“Maybe they are being made,” Pinto observed, “and you’re only getting what you have to get.”
“I’ve had that thought too, and if so then there are a ton of meetings going on. I think the meetings will improve once I figure out what they’re even talking about. One of the first meetings I sat in on was a two hour discussion on the proper road base to be used for a roadway between Baltimare and Fillydelphia. I thought for sure I was going to die of boredom.”
“That’s still not bad, you just sit around all day.”
“Yeah, but that’s almost the worst part of it all,” Bean replied in thought. “I’m so used to moving and standing all day long that sitting starts to drive me nuts. I get this burning urge to just move sometimes, like I have to go do something since I’ve been sitting for so long. I’ll get used to it too, same as everything else, but it’s going to take awhile.”
“Well, that’s not a bad thing,” Pinto observed. “There’s that management style that… oh, what was it, Budge?”
“Managing by walking around?”
“Yeah! That. I know I’d like to hear that my new prince is walking around, getting involved in things, talking to ponies. If you’re doing that, then we commoners can see that you’re trying, that you want to make things better, if that makes sense. If we only ever hear about you sitting in an office somewhere, then it seems like you’re just enjoying the perks without doing anything for them.”
“I hadn’t thought of that,” Bean remarked as he contemplated the notion.
“I mean, you do what you gotta do in the end, but at the very least you’re not stuck in a chair all day long, getting all fat and lazy.”
“The Princess gets around anyway, right?” Jumping asked. “Like, she doesn’t just sit on the throne and make everypony come to her, right?”
“No, she gets around in the palace quite a bit,” Bean said with a bit of a laugh. “She has to sit for Day Court, but as soon as that over she’s up and moving, especially if it was boring.”
“So, really, you should be able to keep moving, and get things done,” Garbanzo replied.
“Yeah. I actually have been in the kitchens enough that Chef Sugar Beet just says ‘hi’ now and lets me do whatever I want. If I need to, I can always find a little of home there.”
“Good,” Garbanzo said with a smile. “You may not have been destined to be a cook, but I would hate for your skill to go to waste. You still have a fair amount of talent in that, son.”
“Don’t worry. I still owe Celestia a romantic dinner,” Bean chuckled. “But speaking of which, what do guys think I should make?”
~*~
“I did not!” Lima protested with a laugh as she whisked furiously.
“You did too!” Sieva replied with her own laugh. “There was sour cream everywhere!”
The other mares in the room laughed as Lima sputtered a bit but bobbed her head in begrudging acknowledgement of the truthfulness of her sister’s accusation. Lima had been quite the troublemaker in her earlier years, if all of the stories were true, and Sieva seemed to be beyond happy to share them.
“Are you done with that yet?” Flageolet asked.
“Just about… there.” Lima replied, and she quickly drizzled her sauce over a large pile of fried carrots and zucchini.
Celestia smiled broadly as she looked over the feast that had been prepared. The Bean mares had made enough food to feed themselves and the waiting stallions, but more importantly the stories they had shared while they had made the meal had given her wonderful insights into her in-law’s lives, their pasts, and their hopes and dreams for the future.
And the Bean Clan wasn’t half bad, in the end. She had, once again, done accidently well for herself.
“All right, let’s see here,” Flageolet remarked, and she walked by the dishes on the warming table, glancing them over with a critical eye. Chowder gulped in nervousness, but then smiled when she glanced over to Luna and caught her reassuring smile and wink.
“It looks good to me, personally,” Adzuki remarked. “I think they did quite well.”
“So it would seem,” Flageolet said with a nod. “And it does look respectable. So, allow us a minute to confer with the others.”
Celestia and Luna held their heads high, and Luna’s wing pushed Chowder’s chin up as the others huddled and conversed.
“Be proud of your work, young Chowder,” Luna remarked. “You have offered your finest, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I believe you will find a fair reward from the Bean family awaits you.”
“You’re right.” Chowder said with a firm grin. “I have, and I will be a Bean.”
“That’s the spirit.”
“Though, since Baked is going to be my cousin-in-law does that mean I get some sort of royal title?”
“You do, but it is symbolic,” Celestia replied. “We have determined that you and the other Beans shall be titular Barons and Baronesses. I believe Wysteria is working out all of the pesky details to make it official, but you should be able to introduce yourself as Baroness at your wedding.”
“Baroness Chowder,” she tried out the title. “Huh, doesn’t sound quite right. I guess I should use my real name if I’m going to do that.”
“Baroness Sugar Sweet does have a pleasing ring to it,” Luna agreed before the huddle broke and the official Bean mares faced the inductees.
“You have cooked an acceptable meal.” Flageolet said solemnly. “The Code of the Beans is very clear on this point: you’re in.”
“What?” Chowder asked. “That’s it?”
“It’s not very hard to become a Bean.” Aunt Adzuki replied while the others smiled from ear to ear. “You could have burned water and gotten in. It’s more important to us that you tried, and that we got to know you all better. Welcome to the family, Chowder.”
A small cheer erupted, laughter and a few hugs were shared, and then Luna and Celestia gathered up the prepared meal in their magic.
“I do believe we should share the good news with the stallions,” Celestia said with a great deal of happiness in her voice. “I’m sure Mung will be happy to know Chowder has been accepted, and my dear Bean will not have to worry anymore about the Princesses of Equestria being denied.”
“Yes, but remember you three,” Nana replied with a sneaky smile, “you need to act like this was difficult and draining on you.”
“Why?”
“So the stallions feel guilty and take care of the clean up.”
“I bet my Mungie and Baked will be more than happy to take care of that.” Chowder replied with a laugh.
“I’m surprised they aren’t back here already,” Luna remarked.
And on cue, Baked Bean burst through the door with a delightfully worried look on his face. Mung tumbled in right after him, his eyes wide with worry, and they both glanced around for a moment.
“Is everything alright?” Mung asked first. “It got quiet.”
“Couldn’t be better,” Chowder replied with a gigantic smile. “Let’s go eat, Mungie, and I’ll tell you what happened.”
* * ✹ * *
“I’m glad we did this,” Bean remarked from under Celestia’s wing. “It was good to see everypony again, and now you are officially an official Bean.”
“Did you doubt that I would be?” she asked with a light laugh.
“No, but I was worried about what Nana was up to,” he replied with a yawn. Between the sway of the rail car, his full stomach, and the excitement of the day, he was beginning to feel drowsy. “I’m glad it was just a way to get to know you better.”
“I think it’s a fine tradition, and we should carry it on when our foals get married,” Celestia remarked.
“Yeah, that would be fun. I can only imagine how intimidated the poor mare will be when they find out that the Princess wants them to cook a meal as a final test of worthiness.”
“I’ll let Luna handle that. You wouldn’t believe how intimidating she can be.”
Luna scoffed. “True as that may be, there is very little that is more intimidating than the Parents. I will assist as needed, of course, but in the end I think Celly will be keen to take the role herself.”
“I’ll get to work on my stern face then.” Celestia laughed.
“So how’s it feel to be a Bean, Luna?” Bean asked.
Luna smiled deeply at the question. “It actually is quite nice. I enjoy having in-laws and cousins again, even if it is by my sister’s marriage. Perhaps, someday, I shall find another, but for now, I believe I shall be quite content to be an honorary Bean.”
“Good.” Bean replied through a shared yawn with Celestia. “That means I don’t have to worry about finding a Tortilla for you.”
“Didn’t I warn you about horribly painful and yet delightfully vague?” Luna replied with an amused and most pleasant chuckle.
Celestia smiled as Bean slowly went through the moves she had shown him, with a small snort each time his hooves blocked hers. She was deliberate and slow, and he was doing pretty well for his first day. Once they had run through the entire sequence she quickly moved in and gave him a peck on the lips.
“Good. Again.”
Bean still snorted as hoof hit hoof. He was concentrating deeply on making sure he was doing everything right. Another peck.
“Good. Again.”
Celestia picked up the tempo slightly, but he still managed to keep her from smacking him upside the head. She could tell it had caught him a bit off guard, though.
Another peck. “Good. Again.”
Another slight uptick in tempo, and his moves grew a bit frantic, which then led to him missing a block and getting gently bopped by his left ear.
“Don’t panic,” she offered. “Focus on what you need to do. Don’t get flustered. Again.”
Same tempo, and less panic this time. He grunted in determination, and there was a small smile of pride spreading on his face. A slightly longer kiss this time for total success in blocking.
“Good. One last time.”
Again she went, and he kept pace with her. Both of them let out a snort of air when her last swing was blocked, and then they both smiled deeply and shared a more satisfying kiss.
“Not bad, my Bean. You’re pretty good at this.” she remarked when they pulled apart.
“Thanks,” he offered. “It’s in the incentives. Hopefully I remember this when we try again tomorrow.”
“I think you will. You’re a very clever pony,” she replied with a peck to his cheek. “Go run a couple of laps and then we’ll cool down.”
“Right.”
He took off like a shot, and Celestia lit her horn to raise the sun while he settled into an easy canter. She had nearly forgotten he had been on a track team in high school, and his gait was smooth, professional, and natural. Her eyes continued to watch those magnificent, sun-kissed haunches as light began to fill the sky, and the sun may have stalled slightly as it settled into position.
Whoof.
An extremely pleased nicker of delight escaped her royal lips as she watched his muscles and tendons flex, coil, unwind and release. It was easy to see how he had avoided putting on pounds during his cooking days. The gently loping pace he was using could chew up mile after mile with very little exertion. Just an hour or two a week at the pace he was going would be more than enough to keep him trim, fit, and very easy on the eyes.
She then frowned and glanced back at her own midsection. She wasn’t fat by any means, but perhaps she had a few extra pounds that needed to be trimmed here and there.
She then made up her mind, and when Bean came towards her after his first lap she gave him a deep smile and then quickly moved to match his pace and gait on the track. It took a moment for the two of them to get into sync. Bean had to double his stride at first to keep up with her longer legs, and when she had slowed down, he ended up a good length ahead of her before backing off again. Once they found their rhythm and groove, however, they smiled and felt a powerful serenity flow and grow between them.
Celestia wondered for a moment if this was how the primitive ponies of Equestria had felt. Before there had been magic, or science, technology or even complex thought, was this how cave ponies had shown love and devotion? Was the flick of the tail and the thrum of the hoof all they needed to convey dedication, solidarity, and intimacy? Could it be that a simple gait had carried the summation of what it meant to be a pony, despite all that had been added during the gentle cascade of time?
It didn’t matter if it did or did not. Hoof beat in time with hoof, heart in time with heart, and that was more than enough for her. Her heart was full, her spirit again felt young, and her view was filled with a future of beautiful yellow goodness.
But as wonderful as it all was, Celestia soon realized that her husband was a better runner than she was. Though she could keep pace with him, the signs of fatigue appeared faster for her, and after a mere six laps with him she was forced to stop to catch her breath.
“Are you all right?” he asked in concern as her chest swelled and deflated rapidly.
“I will be,” she managed to wheeze out. “I didn’t realize I was this out of shape.”
“I don’t think you are. You’re just not built for long distance running.”
“Oh, is that so?” She laughed.
“Yeah. You’d beat me by furlongs if we raced in a dead sprint, but my smaller frame is better suited for long distances. I bet you’d also do better if you were not weighed down by solid gold jewelry. You put that peytral on me and I wouldn’t manage to go more than five feet.”
“I should point out that this peytral is not ‘solid’ gold, but rather an alloy. But, you still make a good argument. I’ll take it off next time we go for a jog together.”
“And then you’ll run circles around me,” he offered with a nuzzle.
“Perhaps, but we should get going. We still have day court to get through before your tea date.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to come to the party?” he asked with a nip of her neck.
“I will come with you next week, but I fear Fluttershy would be overwhelmed today if we both attended together. I want to ease her into additional guests.”
“I still have a hard time believing that she’s so shy. I mean, yeah, it’s literally part of her name, and she’s more reserved than most others I know, but she didn’t hesitate to say hello when we first met.”
“You had the advantage of Discord,” Celestia pointed out. “She knew about you from him, and you came highly recommended. Without that, you would have been hard pressed to get much more than an ‘eep’ out of her.”
“If you say so,” he said with a shrug. “You do know her better than I do. You’re not going to foalnap me halfway into it, are you?”
“No, I’ll behave.” She giggled at the memory. “I do have your picture this time. I can fawn over that until you return to me.”
“I can’t believe you actually took a picture of my rump,” he muttered with a bemused shake of his head.
“It it so wrong to love my Bean so much?” she asked with a kiss for his cheek.
“No, it’s not,” he replied with a bashful smile. “Besides, it’ll only be for an hour.”
“Right, and then we’ll have the train ride to the Crystal Empire together,” she observed. “Then you’re all mine, you charming yellow stallion you.”
* * ✹ * *
“Oh! Hey Luna!” Bean called out to her as she exited her room, and he trotted quickly down the hallway to where she was. “I didn’t think you’d be up already.”
“Neither did I,” she grumbled, “but I just recieved a missive that I need to discuss with you and Celly. Is she in the throne room already?”
“Yeah. I was just heading there now. What’s up?”
“I suppose I can tell you first,” she replied with a thoughtful glance while they began walking towards the throne room. “Blueblood will be awaiting us at the Crystal Empire.”
“Blueblood.” Bean repeated as he tried to place the name. “He would be… don’t tell me… I know I’ve heard the name.” He struggled for a moment to place it, but then grunted. “All right, I give. Who is he?”
“He is our nephew, though that is being generous with the term,” Luna replied. “Perhaps you recall he was in the north, negotiating with the Yaks?”
“Oh, yeah!” Bean suddenly realized where he had heard of Blueblood from. “So, he’s done with that?”
“I’m afraid the Yaks have expelled him,” Luna replied with a sigh. “He did not say why, but I can imagine a few different scenarios that may have caused it. Whatever the reason, the Yaks will not be opening their borders to Equestria anytime soon, and much of our hard work has now been lost.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“It is a disappointing thing. We have not had open relations with them for hundreds of moons, and it would be preferable to have an ally so close to the Crystal Empire instead of an unknown, or perhaps even an enemy.”
“If things went south, would they be a threat?”
Luna glanced at him, but she was obviously pleased that he had thought of that. “Yakyakistan is a small kingdom, led by a tempermental prince who prides himself on perfection and being loud. They could be a threat, but I believe all we would have to do is smuggle you in, turn their food bland, and then smuggle you back out. They would tear their own camp apart at that point, and we would just have to sit back and watch.”
“You sure you want to smuggle me in, then?” he asked. “I worry I’d cave under the pressure, cook something they love, and somehow load them up on the carbs and protein they needed to have the energy to attack us.”
“It is a risk I am willing to take.”
Bean offered a scoffing laugh. “It’s only your brother-in-law, right?”
“Of course not! I would be right beside you. Night is my realm, after all, so who better to help you navigate it? And if we wish to be sure the food will be bad, I will take over and just do the opposite of what you say.”
“Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that,” he laughed. “Is there any way we can restart the negotiations?”
“Only on their terms. We will simply have to wait and see.”
“Huh. So, what should I know about Blueblood?”
Luna rolled her eyes. “That is a very long list. For starters, don’t let him get away with calling himself Prince.”
“He does that?”
“Yes. He is our cousin via my mother’s sister, but he is at least fifty-six times removed and is really not entitled to anything. But, since he is related, his parents thought it would be inspiring to give him the name Prince Blueblood, and he clings to that ‘Prince’ implication like a Smooze to treasure. I have caught him trying to pass himself off as a legitimate prince a few times, and Celly has busted him even more. I believe one of the Element Bearers was even duped into thinking he was such, and my sister had some choice words for him after that little incident.”
“So, why is he even allowed to be here?”
“He has his faults, but he is normally an excellent negotiator. He has been helpful on a few occasions in the past, and he really is second only to Celly in the art of wordplay, which makes this failure all the more confusing and strange. I hope to get more answers out of him once we have a chance to talk face-to-face.”
“I’d like to know what happened too.”
“The other thing you should be aware of is that he is very much a noble, and not in a good way. He is demanding, and temperamental, and a perfectionist. I fear he will not like you.”
“He won’t?”
“You are a commoner, and I am afraid Blueblood wants nothing to do with common things. But, perhaps this will be for the best. He will not be able to run you off, after all.”
“I imagine Celly would be rather perturbed if he did somehow,” Bean remarked with a sigh. “But I would also hope we can get along.”
“That would be ideal. I suppose we will just have to see how things go, but do not worry. Blueblood may question Celly’s decisions, but he will not oppose them. Since you are her Prince, that means he must subject himself to your rule, even if he doesn’t want to.”
“Sounds like I might just need to pull rank on him.”
Luna nodded. “You may, and remember that you do outrank him. Whatever he may try to do or say is meaningless. The head of Equestria is myself, my sister, and you.”
“You do realize how much that still hurts my head? I feel like I’m standing on a very tall ladder, and not quite sure what it is braced on.”
She offered a mirthless laugh and a sad shake of her head. “It is about to hurt a whole lot more.”
~*~
“He will?” Celestia repeated, and she blinked a couple of times.
“I am afraid so,” Luna said with a nod. “The Yaks have expelled him.”
“Well, that…” Celestia stalled.
“It is disappointing.”
“He did not say why he had been dismissed?”
“No, I am afraid not. He was surprisingly vague with this missive. We will need to have a detailed accounting of what happened. Yaks are tempermental, yes; but when I left they were being cooperative. I had believed Prince Rutherford when he said he wanted to re-establish formal relations with Equestria.”
“He said that?”
Luna frowned. “Technically, he said ‘Yaks be friends with Ponies for many moons.’”
“I suppose we will just have to wait,” Celestia sighed.
“We could send a letter to Shining and Cadence to ask him about it, couldn’t we?” Bean piped up. “Or is that not a good idea?”
“That could work,” Celestia mused. “They know about his trip, so it would be a simple matter for them to just ask for a debriefing.”
“If he will even talk to Shining Armor,” Luna grumbled.
“He’d better,” Celestia remarked with an unusual growl of annoyance and a hard look on her face. “I quite clearly remember having a lengthy conversation on that very subject.”
“I say we send the letter,” Luna declared. “At the very least, it will give Blueblood a chance to get his story straight for once.”
“Wysteria?” Celestia called out.
“On it!” Wysteria called out. “Give me just a minute.”
Celestia turned back to Luna. “Did you warn Bean about him already?”
“Out in the hallway before we came here, yes.”
“I love my nephew, for the record,” Celestia said through a strained smile to Bean. “I really do. But he is a bit insufferable sometimes. I keep trying to work with him, and he has made progress since that one amusingly disastrous Grand Galloping Gala, but I fear he still has far too much interest in himself.”
“Good thing you didn’t boop his nose,” Bean quipped.
“Don’t even joke about something like that,” Luna reprimanded.
“If that had happened, I’m pretty sure I would have forced the divorce option,” Celestia added. “I do love him, really. He’s done many good things for Equestria. I will never say he is unwelcome, or unwanted.”
“He just needs to tone down the snobbery,” Luna added dryly.
“Well, enough about him. We should get Day Court started, and I am sure you would like to rest more before we leave this afternoon, Luna.”
“I would prefer that, yes,” Luna replied.
“And you will enjoy the Crystal Empire, my Love,” Celestia said to Bean with a genuine smile gracing her lips now. “There will be much to see and do once we get there. I am actually quite curious to see what you think of the cuisine there.”
“Really?” Bean asked eagerly. “How different is it?”
“It’s more in the flavors, the subtle hints of things. You know it’s an eggplant in front of you, and yet it’s like no eggplant you’ve ever had in your life. I can’t even describe it. Perhaps your refined nose and taste buds will be able to.”
“It sounds delicious,” he replied, and it was clear the gears in his head were churning out ideas. “Perhaps I’ll gain some inspiration for my book, too.”
“I am most confident you will,” Celestia said with a laugh.
* * ✹ * *
“Wysteria, who’s next?” Celestia asked.
“A Big McIntosh, Your Highness.”
“Big Mac?” Celestia asked, and she shared a confused glance with Bean. “As in ‘Sweet Apple Acres, elder brother to Applejack, singer in the Pony Tones’ Big Mac?”
“I guess?” she replied with a second glance at her clipboard and a quick adjustment of her glasses. “It… just says ‘Big McIntosh’, Your Highness.”
“This is a surprise,” Celestia remarked. “I had thought he was the stay-at-home type. Please, send him in.”
“What d’ya think brings him all the way to us?” Bean asked.
“I would suppose it is something to do with Sweet Apple Acres, but beyond that I am unsure,” she replied. “Hopefully, it is not anything serious.”
The one and only tower of power known as Big Mac then entered the room with the customary look of overwhelmed awe, and he slowly approached the throne while trying to get a good look at all of the stained-glass windows in the hall. Once he had finished with that he bowed, and Wysteria floated Bean a small stack of papers.
“Good morning, Big Mac!” Celestia offered with a cheerful smile. “I trust you are well?”
“Eeyup,” he replied as he looked up at both royals with a soft smile.
“Excellent! And your family, are they well?”
“Eeyup.”
“Marvelous! So what brings you before the throne, Mister McIntosh? I am sure I can help with whatever you need.”
“This is an insurance claim,” Bean offered, and he held the papers up towards his wife. “But it looks like it hasn’t been paid out yet.”
“Eeyup.”
“What is it a claim for?” Celestia asked.
“Damages and loss of income due to the flooding of twelve acres due to a beaver dam,” Bean answered while pulling the papers back and looking them over again. “This happened quite a while ago, though.”
“Eeyup.”
“And there has been no payment from the insurance company?” Celestia asked quizzically.
Big Mac shook his head. “Nnope.”
“Explains why your apples shot up in price,” Bean continued. “You would have to hike prices up substantially to offset these losses.”
“Eeyup.”
“Do you have any idea why they haven’t paid?”
“Nope,” Big Mac replied with a sad note in his voice.
“Celly, does this look okay?” Bean asked. “I think it does, but I’m no claims adjuster.”
“Let me see,” Celestia remarked as her magic took the papers from him.
“You did fill out everything properly, right?” Bean asked Big Mac. “Trust me, I know how big of a pain insurance can be about things like that.”
“Eeyup,” he replied with a nod this time.
“And you filed everything in a timely manner?”
“Eeyup.”
“You had a claims adjuster survey the damage?”
“Eeyup.”
“And you received a copy of all the paperwork the adjuster filled out?”
“Eeyup.”
“Well, unless Celestia sees something that I don’t in the paperwork, then I see no reason for your claim not to be paid. Unless there was no actual flood. There was a flood, right?”
“Eeyup,” Big Mac replied with a glare that quite clearly showed his displeasure at having his personal integrity and honesty impugned, especially given Bean’s previous questions.
“All right, just making sure,” Bean replied while holding his hooves up to show he meant no ill with the question. “Wysteria, is there a ministry that oversees insurance companies?”
“That should be the Royal Commission of Insuring Agencies, sir, and that would be under Lady Fussbudget.”
“Any chance we can have her summoned?”
“She should be around somewhere, sir,” she replied with a glance to a guard in the hall. “Sergeant, will you locate her, please?”
The Sergeant nodded and quickly strode out of the room. Bean coughed, Celestia shuffled the papers, and Big Mac glanced around.
“So…” Bean offered after a few awkwardly silent moments. “How are things at Sweet Apple Acres? Are your harvests going well?”
“Eeyup,” Big Mac replied with a nod.
Bean smacked his lips. “Any other issues you need to bring before the throne?”
Big Mac shook his head. “Nope.”
Bean made a popping noise with his lips this time during the pause. “Uh… How’s Granny Smith? She was complaining about some aches and pains last time I was there. Is she still bothered by that?”
“Eeyup,” Big Mac replied with a bit of sadness.
“You know, I heard once that apple cider and beet juice mixed together is really good for that kind of thing. I’ve never tried it myself, but maybe it would help her out. Worth a try, right?”
“Eeyup!” Big Mac agreed.
“Prince Bean, I must protest this!” A shrill and disagreeable voice suddenly rang out in the throne room. Bean and Big Mac turned to the source of the irritated cacophony and found a dull grey mare marching up to them with a seriously perturbed step. “I was in the middle of a very important committee meeting! I don’t have time to deal with such trivial matters!”
“Oh?” Celestia lowered the papers slightly. “So what am I doing right now?”
“That’s not what I mean, Your Highness,” Fussbudget retorted. “You know just as well as I do that the Ombudspony Office is in charge of these types of issues. I should not have to be pulled away when there are dozens of ponies that are paid to deal with these sorts of things. I don’t care if you are going to let the Prince make decisions, but at least make sure he’s making the right ones, please?”
“Are you completely sure I’m not?”
Fussbudget hesitated for a moment. “Princess, look. This matter could be cleared up in ten minutes by an ombudspony, and without disrupting a very important meeting—”
“On what?” Celestia cut in.
“Regulatory reform and compliance. Unless you feel that filing a Notice of Payment Due is more important than ensuring the Sidesaddle loophole is closed.”
Celestia gave Lady Fussbudget her full and undivided attention, and the pony who lived and breathed subsections and termination clauses folded her ears back with concern as she realized what her Princess’ answer was going to be.
“I feel,” Celestia started as her wings slowly flared upward, “that you may have forgotten a few details concerning your employment. Closing the loophole is important, yes, but the purpose of your department is to ensure ponies are not being unduly burdened or taken advantage of by the insurance industry, if I may speak broadly. If your Prince deems it necessary for you to assist a farmer with a Notice of Payment Due, I believe you are duty bound and obligated to assist a farmer with a Notice of Payment Due, irrespective of anything else that you may feel is more important. Now, your Prince is requesting your assistance. What, pray tell, do you think the correct thing to say should be?”
Fussbudget took a deep gulp before turning to give the Prince a deep and courteous bow. “Good Morning, Your Highness. How may I assist you this day?”
Bean had the answer to one of the questions that he had been looking for already, but the look on his wife’s face told him he needed to ask again anyway. “Lady Fussbudget, thank you for taking a few minutes out of your busy day to answer my summons. I have two questions, if I may.”
“Please, ask away.”
“First, where does this good stallion need to go in order to have an insurance claim payment that is long overdue looked into?”
“He needs to go to the Ombudspony Office, three halls down and fourth door on the right. I can take him there, if it pleases Your Highness.”
“No, that’s all right. I’m sure you have more important things to do,” Bean remarked with a smirk. “The second question is this: how long should it take to have a claim paid out?”
“No longer than thirty days, Your Highness.”
“I see. Since that is the case, will you please have a pony look into why this claim was not paid out within the timeframe?”
“I will look into it myself, Your Highness.”
“Thank you. That was all I needed, please return to your day. Sergeant Pepper*, will you please show Mister McIntosh the way to the appropriate office?” (*) His mother really wanted him to go into medicine, but alas, it was not to be.
“Right this way, sir,” Sergeant Pepper replied with a bow, and he motioned with a hoof for Big Mac to follow him. Lady Fussbudget was quick to follow them out, and after the hall was clear, Bean inhaled and glanced over to Celestia.
“Messed that one up pretty good, didn’t I?”
“You did fine,” she replied with a nuzzle of reassurance for him.
“Are you sure about that? I’m pretty extra sure I made Lady Fussbudget upset with me.”
“Good.”
“Good?”
“Yes. The Ministers do tend to need a reminder every now and then of just exactly who is on which end of each string in this ball of yarn. It is an expectation of their employment. As I said, if she is summoned to handle something that is ‘trivial,’ then she should handle it. Besides, how do you think that would have played out if it had been me that had called for her?”
“A lot of bowing and scraping and ‘of course, Your Most Sunniness.’”
“Exactly. I need the Ministry to understand, without a doubt, that your voice is my voice in this Court. I fully intend to train you and teach you the laws of our land so that you may make a ruling without me.”
“You better not be going anywhere.”
“Perish the thought!” she exclaimed with a quick smirk and a nip of his ear, although she giggled for a time afterwards. “Sorry, it reminded me of a joke.”
Bean looked around. “It seems we have time, and I really want to understand your sense of humor. Can you share, please?”
“Oh…” Celestia gave a guilty look at the closed door and lowered her voice. “It seems there was this village who had a very old decrepit stallion, well over his century mark, who had never been married before. Well, one day he goes to the mayor and says he’s found a wife and wants to be married the next day so they can go about having children. Curious, the mayor asked about the bride and found out she was a sweet young thing, just barely out of school and filled with the bloom of life. Well, the mayor looked at the old codger, thought a while, and asked if perhaps he had thought about all of the dangers associated with (ahem) relationships. The old codger thought for a while, nodded, and said, ‘Well, Mayor. If she dies, she dies.’”
Bean closed his jaw after a while and shook his head. “That was terrible.”
Celestia looked humorously insulted. “Actually, it’s one of my best. But seriously, what if I were to get sick again, or if we had to be apart due to a scheduling conflict? I don’t want any questions concerning the validity of your authority or your decisions. It doesn’t do any good to have you make a ruling just to have it come back to me.”
“Guess that means we need to schedule some study sessions, then.”
“I believe that can be arranged, so long as we don’t indulge in any extracurricular activities,” she replied softly and with a bob of her eyebrows.
“I make no promises there,” he replied with a peck of her cheek.
“Me neither,” she replied, before locking lips with him.
* * ✹ * *
“Your Majesty?” Wysteria’s voice drifted in through the door. “The train will be leaving in fifteen minutes.”
“Thanks, I’ll be ready in just a moment,” Bean called back. He grumbled to his reflection, and then pulled a face in it in an effort to relieve his nerves.
He knew it was just a simple tea date and that there was nothing to worry about. Fluttershy would be a gracious host, being the Element and embodiment of Kindness, and Discord would probably love the chaos that seemed to naturally follow in Bean’s wake. There were no ministers, no ambassadors, no formal rules. Just two ponies and a draconequus enjoying some tea.
Yet he couldn’t help but feel a little nervous. He wanted to be proper and professional, but his commoner upbringing meant there was a good chance he would be unaware of some custom or unspoken rule that would get him into trouble. He gave a small sigh of sadness when the memory of the Citron Pressè came back to him uninvited, and deep down he was worried that Celestia would be upset with him again if word got back to her that he’d done something wrong.
He had most certainly not enjoyed her rebuke on that occasion.
But all he could do was try. He made his reflection give him a determined and dedicated look, and then he nodded. He was going to do this, and he was even crazy enough to even try to enjoy it.
He fiddled with his Celestial Crystal while he now debated if he should wear his formal coat. It certainly helped him to look and feel the part of being a Prince, but there was a chance it would be too much. If this was a state dinner he wouldn’t be caught dead without it, but Discord would probably care less and he didn’t figure Fluttershy would be troubled if he didn’t wear it.
“I’ll go without,” he told his reflection. “At the very least, I won’t spill anything on it.”
He then idly placed a hoof to his chin. He had thought about growing his scraggly chin hair out once or twice. It was somewhat old fashioned but perhaps it would be show of maturity and it would add to his accoutrement and overall image, like it had with Starswirl. What would his Celly think of a beard?
As if on cue the hair follicles sprung forth on his face, and before fully realized what was happening a thick patch of brown fur that matched his mane had fully formed and filled in, forming a thick and neat beard.
“I, uh...” He sputtered before sighing. “How does it look?”
“I always tended to favor a nice goatee,” came the increasingly familiar voice of Discord from behind. Most of the beard receded back into his face except for a long tapered chin goatee, which Bean then stroked thoughtfully for a moment.
“Eh. I think it looks better on you than me.” Bean shrugged.
“What doesn’t, my dear Bean-o? Now then! Shall we be off?”
“Sure, I think I’m ready to go. The train should be prepped and fueled, and we should be there right on time.”
“Train? Pish posh!” Discord replied with a scoff. “You ponies and your three dimensions. Why take that horrible old thing when we can take a shortcut?”
Discord then reached up with his paw, grabbed a zipper tab that had no business being in midair the way it was, and quickly unzipped until a large opening filled with sparks and white pulses of energy stood gaping before them.
“Well?” Discord asked. “After you, my good legume.”
“I’m not so sure I trust that,” Bean remarked as he slowly shied away from the rather nasty and possibly-capable-of-barbecuing-a-Bean-in-ten-seconds-flat portal. “It doesn’t look… safe.”
“Safe? I’m surprised, ol’ Bean. This is nothing more than a temporal schism in the fabric of the space-time continuum. What isn’t safe about that?”
“I don’t think I can even say that safely.”
“Oh, come now Bean-o!” Discord replied with a hearty chuckle, and he swept the moderately worried royal up and into a furry embrace. “Where’s your sense of adventure?”
“I think I left it back in the throne room. I’ll go find it, and you go on ahead without me. I’ll catch up.”
“Oh, you cut me to the quick, Bean,” Discord replied with a small pout. “I thought you trusted me. We are friends after all, aren’t we?”
Bean inhaled slowly and took a long, hard look at the portal. Even though this was Discord, Lord of Chaos that he was dealing with he did feel like he was being told the truth by a friend. Somehow, from that eager expression that was on Discord’s face, he could feel the honesty.
Did it help his nerves? Slightly. Was he still on edge? Yes, but he’d backed up from the lip of the edge by a good pace or two. Was Discord going to let this hurt him? Probably not. On a practical level he’d then have to deal with a highly irate princess who just happened to play - and win - the most intense game of hot potato every morning and night. But on a personal level, he’d injure his new friend.
Bean gave a quick chuckle. He had thought being married to Celestia was the most surreal thing that could happen to him, but befriending the premier purveyor of pandemonium was a pretty good addition to the category.
“All right, all right,” Bean relented. “Let me tell Wysteria to cancel the train, and then we’ll take the… the whatever you said that is.”
Discord let out a small squeal of happiness and placed Bean down on the ground.
“Oh, can we take this off too?” Bean asked with a tug on the goatee he was still sporting.
Discord gave a shrug and snapped his talon, and the hair promptly disappeared. Bean then trotted to the door and found Wysteria waiting on the other side.
“Are you ready to go?” she asked.
“I’m actually going to be going with Discord.” Bean tried to keep a straight face while ignoring the familiar goatee that was dangling from Wysteria’s chin. “You can cancel the train.”
“Are you sure about that, sir?” She asked with a note of wariness that was beyond obvious.
“My dear Hysteria—” Discord began.
“Wysteria,” she immediately corrected him.
“—you have nothing to fear. I give my word that I will return the Bean just as he is now, despite whatever improvements I could render. In fact, you should go take a break, you and that bucket headed boy toy of yours.
“How do you know—?”
“Ah! No time for compliments. I’ll explain everything to Celly, and you’ll be back much sooner than you want to be. Enjoy!”
And with a snap, the Secretary disappeared in a flash of light, and Bean quickly dove to catch her now unsupported clipboard.
“Should I be worried?” Bean asked with a hint of trepidation for his loyal steward.
“Not unless she finds her calling as a beach bum. I hear the Pineapple Islands are gorgeous this time of year.”
“Right.” With that handled, Bean still found himself facing the Portal of Uncertainty. With a gulp he took a step forward, and in that moment an old saying came to mind.
“Well, what is courage but being scared to death… and saddling up anyway?”
“Ah, Shake Spear. A true classic.”
“Actually, it’s—”
“No time to debate that, don’t want to be late! We’re coming, Fluttershy!”
And with that, Discord grabbed Bean and threw him in a tight spiral through the portal before putting on a polka-dotted swimsuit and jumping in, cannonball-style, himself.
“Discord?!” Bean bellowed, as a conga line of cuckoo clocks honked by him while performing the Cancan. “How much longer is this going to take?!”
As fun as it was to have those tedious little things known as relativity and the laws of physics rendered completely moot, Bean would feel much better if gravity would be his friend again.
“Why are you shouting? I’m right here,” the draconequus replied from over Bean’s shoulder, causing a gasp of alarm. “And never fear, mon capitaine! I just wanted to let you have a look around, since we had a few minutes to spare. We’ll be inside Fluttershy’s cottage as soon as we’re needed.”
“This is where you live?” Bean asked, while he watched some books flap by with a whistling ping.
“Well, this is where I want to build the outdoor pool once I get the master bathroom done,” he replied as he waved to a specific spot of nothingness. “Priorities, you know.”
“Uh huh,” Bean replied. “I’ve heard that adds value to the home.”
“Just avoid the bottomless pit and the flying badgers, no matter what. They’ve been held up in customs all day, and that’s enough to make any creature mad, y’know?”
“Flying badgers. Of course.” Bean looked around. “Is that your house?”
“Yes, but don’t bother asking me for a cup of sugar. I don’t have any.”
Bean thought for a moment as he floated on. “Would you happen to have some sugarn’t?”
“As a matter of fact, I do!” Discord proclaimed gleefully. “But that will have to wait until you have a proper container for it. You wouldn’t want your wifey-poo to get a hold of that stuff.”
“Good point.”
“Well, here we are!” Discord proclaimed as a sparking portal opened beside the both of them. “Just step through there, and you’ll find yourself smack on Fluttershy’s couch. Please, you first. I insist.”
Bean’s legs waved furiously, but movement in any direction remained an illusion. Discord watched this display of futility for a moment with a flat look, but then he simply grabbed Bean by the tail and began swinging him in a tight circle over his head. Once he had enough inertia, Discord released the now screaming Royal, and Bean hurtled head first through the portal…
… and on to Fluttershy’s couch.
It took a moment for Bean to realize he was all right, save for the fact that he was on his head. He was pretty sure he could feel four legs, a snout, and a pair of ears. Nothing felt broken or misplaced.
“Oh! Prince Bean!”
“Fluttershy!” Discord gleefully scooped up the pegasus and gave her a large hug. “So good to see you again, my dear!”
“Oh, um, it’s nice to see you too, but I think we need to turn the Prince right-side up. Unless he’s comfortable like that.”
“I’m fine,” Bean offered, and he flipped himself upright while simply waving his legs, counting them again to make sure there were still only four of them. “Though I think I’ll take the train next time.”
“Further posh!” Discord exclaimed. “By the time I’m done with you you’ll never want to ride on a train again!”
“I like trains,” Fluttershy offered. “They’re very soothing, and I like to watch the trees go by.”
Discord growled slightly while he put Fluttershy on the ground. “Yes, well. I have heard steam power is the way of the future.”
Bean shared a worried glance with Fluttershy. This was a fine way to kick things off.
“I do have to admit it was kinda fun to fly,” Bean offered. “Maybe I’ll like your way better once I figure out how to steer.”
“I suppose I could give you a few pointers,” Discord replied with a wary look. “If there is a next time, that is.”
“Oh! Will Prince Bean be joining us again?” Fluttershy asked with subdued glee.
“Didn’t I tell you?” Discord replied, and Fluttershy shook her head. “Huh, must have slipped my mind.”
Bean then felt something brush past his legs, and a six-inch version of himself, a scroll in his tiny hoof, ran by when he glanced down. Bean offered a snort of amusement as the mini Bean made a superpony leap up and shoved the scroll down one of Discord’s ears, and Fluttershy giggled a little at the show.
“That’s all right, Discord. I think we can always accommodate one more,” Fluttershy offered. “Welcome, Your Highness, to my home.”
“I’m a little short to be a highness,” Bean replied with a smile, “but thank you. I hope I’m not an imposition.”
“Oh, not at all!” Fluttershy said with a pleased smile. “Discord, did you bring the cucumber sandwiches?”
“But of course, my dear!” He produced a large tray of them from behind his back. “I could never forget these!”
“Wonderful! I have some haychips and rye crackers ready to go, and the water should almost be ready. Do either of you have a preference on the tea?”
“Don’t ask me,” Bean chuckled. “They still all taste the same to my poor taste buds. Discord, you pick.”
“Yes, what would you like?” Fluttershy asked Discord with a very earnest look.
“Oh, I always liked a good Camembert,” Discord replied while the cucumber sandwich tray floated to the table. “Why don’t we try that?”
“Isn’t that a cheese?” Bean asked with a confused look.
“My dear Bean!” Discord gasped in horror. “Please don’t tell me you’ve never had the pleasure of enjoying a cheese tea?!”
“Um… I’m afraid I have not.”
“Well, that changes today! My dear, if you would be so kind,” Discord replied with a bow to her, but Fluttershy’s eyes darted back and forth as she surveyed the ground.
“Um, Discord? I’m afraid I don’t have any cheese tea either.”
“No? Well, it’s a good thing I just so happen to have some here with me,” Discord replied, and he plucked three tea bags from out of his armpits. “Here we are! This should be more than enough.”
Bean went slightly pale, and his legs threatened to buckle. Steady, Baked. He can’t poison you. Celly would rip his goatee off if he did. Just ignore the blatant health code violations, and you’ll be fine.
“Why, thank you!” Fluttershy proclaimed as she took the bags. “Are there any special instructions for steeping them?”
“Oh, no. They should work just like any other tea,” Discord replied with a small scoff. “They might scream when you put them in the water, but don’t mind that.”
“Oh, Discord!” she giggled. “I’ll be right back.”
“How many kinds of cheese tea are there?” Bean asked as he and Discord sat on Fluttershy’s couch.
“Sadly, only about six or so, but the R&D department is hard at work on a Limburger flavor as we speak.”
Bean pulled a disgusted face as a second Discord in a lab coat and safety goggles dropped down from the ceiling, head-first, gave them both a thumbs-up while holding a beaker in one paw and a block of said repulsiveness in the other talon, and then quickly retreated the way he’d come.
“No offense, but I’ll pass on that. My parents once bought a block to experiment with, and we couldn’t get rid of the smell for months. That stuff still haunts my nightmares sometimes.”
“Don’t worry, Bean-o. I keep only the private label stuff for you.”
“Thanks, I guess?”
Discord smiled. “What was that word again? Ah yes! You are welcome. Oo, it makes my tongue tingle! Really, there should be a song about that.”
Bean snickered a little, and then sighed as he looked around Fluttershy’s cottage. It was a quaint place, and Bean rather liked the simplistic layout of the room. The various pet beds, birdhouses, and other bric-a-brac that went along with caring for animals added a peaceful air and serene ambiance, and he tried to imagine what it must be like when the room was full of critters instead of ponies.
He then took in a deep breath, and he mentally noted the smell of the room, or more specifically the lack thereof. He had expected her house to smell more ‘animal-ish,’ given the natural by-product of the various woodland critters she cared for, but instead of dander and poo-poo smell—as his mother would put it—he found that her home actually had just a faint hint of mountain breeze and citrus.
He then wondered how long it had taken Fluttershy to get her home this clean, and he hoped her animals weren’t too upset about what his visit had meant for them. He could imagine the lecture he’d get about using his royal position inappropriately when Celestia found out about the poor creatures being tossed out for his sake, and then the lengthy ‘discussion’ on how to not inconvenience others.
“Here we go!” Fluttershy announced. She trotted cheerfully in, and a large brown bear followed after her with the tea set on a tray in his paws. Bean watched on and was impressed as the bear gently made his way over to the table, slowly lowered the tray, and daintily placed it down. He then straightened and gave everypony a look that begged for feedback on his performance.
“That was wonderful, Harry!” Fluttershy cheered softly. “You’ve been practicing, I can tell.”
Harry gave a pleased grunt and a smile, but then he turned to Discord.
“Hm?” Discord had been filing a talon, and then he waved his paw in the general direction of Harry. “Yes, yes. Very good.”
Harry looked annoyed for a moment, but he was right back to curious when he turned to Bean.
“You did do good, but may I offer one bit of advice?”
Harry nodded.
“Keep your back straight and bend at the knees. When you bend with your back the natural tendency is to tilt, and you could spill what you are carrying. You can also avoid backaches that way.”
Harry nodded with a large smile, bent down at the knees, and scooped Bean up into a literal bear hug. Though he was surprised, Bean chuckled a little as he returned the favor, and Harry happily sauntered out of the room after returning him to the couch.
“Harry has been working on his manners,” Fluttershy explained while she began to pour out the tea. “He’s made wonderful progress so far, and I know he appreciated your help too, Prince Bean.”
“Just call me Bean, please,” he replied with a small smile. “I’m not here as a royal, I’m here as Discord’s friend and guest.”
“And I think that is just wonderful,” Fluttershy replied with a friendly pat on his talon. “He really is a sweetheart, once you get to know him.”
Discord giggled a bit behind his paw, and the cucumber sandwiches floated over towards Bean.
“Thanks,” he offered before taking a sniff. “Did you do the prep work on these, Discord?”
Discord scoffed. “Do you think I made these appear out of thin air?”
“Do you like chaos?” he retorted.
“Fine, yes. I did.”
“May I offer a teensy weensy suggestion?”
“Suggestion? My dear Bean-o, these were conjured out of nothing at the peak of freshness.”
“No, not that. Try adding just a dash of lemon juice. It gives the cucumber a little kick.”
Discord looked at the sandwich he’d taken in his talon and contemplated Bean’s suggestion. Bean, for his part, took a nibble of his sandwich and savored the flavor, but then he began to fret that he had overstepped his bounds. It wasn’t really his place to offer critiques of the snacks that had been provided, and he was not a food critic.
He was a ruler of Equestria. He needed to be gracious, kind. He needed to offer praise and support.
He needed to be more like Celestia. She wouldn’t criticize the food, she would simply enjoy it.
“You know, Bean-o may be onto something,” Discord offered. “Maybe I will add some lemon. I bet it would make it zestfully clean.”
“I’ll try one when you do make them,” Fluttershy said with a smile.
“I should take some cooking lessons from you, ol’ Bean. I bet you have some wonderfully chaotic concoctions I could try.”
“Maybe one or two,” he admitted. There were more than a few failed recipes that had occurred in Beandom throughout the ages, and he could see Discord enjoying them immensely.
But perhaps now was not the time to admit to them being failures. He didn’t want to run the risk of offending Discord with this knowledge.
“Here you are, Bean.” Fluttershy offered a teacup to Bean, and he gave a soft nod to her before taking a deep sniff.
He then recoiled a bit. It was tea, yet it had the distinct aroma of a finely crafted Camembert cheese. It was quite the contradiction, and he peered into the cup just to make sure there wasn’t an actual lump of of the stuff in there.
“Discord, this is delightful!” Fluttershy offered. “I really like the taste of it.”
“I’m glad you like it, my dear,” Discord replied with a smile. “What about you, Bean? What do you think?”
“It certainly smells good,” he offered. “I, uh… well, let me see.”
Bean took a slow and thoughtful slurp, paused, and then took another sip.
“Well?” Discord asked eagerly.
“It is good, but you’ll have to forgive me. I’m not used to drinking cheese.”
“So you don’t like it?” Discord pouted.
“No, no!” Bean offered quickly. “I do like it. I just need to adjust to the fact that it is drinkable.”
Oh, Celestia was going to wring him and then hang him out to dry, he just knew it. He should have said it was good right off.
“Next time I’ll bring an Edam for you to try. You’ll like the texture.”
“Speaking of which, what can I bring to the next tea date?” Bean asked.
“Oh, you don’t have to bring anything,” Fluttershy replied. “Just having you here is nice enough.”
“No, I insist. You provided the venue and some snacks, Discord brought the tea, but I didn’t bring anything. I really want to provide something too. What if I bring some sugar cookies?”
“I would like that,” Fluttershy replied. “You don’t have to, but if you’d like to bring some, that would be wonderful.”
“I’ll do that, then. My mom has a pretty good tea cookie recipe. Small and bite sized, good for dipping.”
“Fluttershy, didn’t you say there were some haychips?” Discord asked while he looked under the cushion he was now levitating in the air.
“Oh my goodness, I forgot them! I’ll be right back.”
Fluttershy quickly flew into the kitchen area as Discord came down and sat properly again, but then he gave Bean a rather serious look.
“Lighten up, Bean-o! This is supposed to be fun, and full of that magical friendship business. You look like you’re going to have a aneurysm on me.”
“Do I?” he asked before letting out a pent-up breath. “I’m just nervous. I don’t have a lot of experience with these kinds of things. I don’t want to ruin everything by doing something dumb.”
“And then having the missus chew you out, I bet,” Discord replied with a smirk. “Bean, let me tell you a secret,” Discord offered. “The trick to enjoying a tea party…”
Bean leaned forward a little, and he nodded his head to get Discord to finish the statement.
“... is to actually enjoy yourself.”
“Oh,” was the best reply Bean could manage.
“Really, Bean-o, if your wife has you on that short of a leash then you need to rethink your life. You are having tea with moi, the reining chaos champion for over a thousand years straight; and Fluttershy, the most easy-going and ‘oh, that’s ok’ pony in the history of ponkind. I don’t think we could get you into trouble if we tried.”
“It’s not you two I worry about,” Bean sighed. “It’s what I will do, or not do.”
“Bean, I want you to take a good, hard look at who you are talking to and then I want you to use those writing skills you’ve been working on to come up with any plausible scenario that would get you into hot water.”
“That’s easy. All I have to do is say something offensive, or run afoul of some unknown custom that you two have. Fluttershy may be kind, but even she is bound to have her limits. What if I inadvertently say something disparaging about one of her animal friends? That would cook my cucumber real fast.”
“Well, you are in for an absolutely miserable time then,” Discord proclaimed. “I can assure you that there is no way you possess the capability to offend Fluttershy, given the fact that even I have yet to offend her here. If you want to be afraid of every last word and every little movement you make then fine, but I am sure you would disappoint her more by doing that then by doing anything else. Relax and be yourself! That is what she really wants.”
Bean mulled over this just as Fluttershy returned with the bowl of chips.
“Bean?” she asked. “Are you alright?”
“Hm? Oh, yeah, I’m good. Discord was just giving me some good advice on proper tea expectations.”
“Oh, I don’t think we really have any expectations here, other than to have fun,” she replied in kindness.
“It’s hard not to with such good company.”
“Discord was telling me he helped you out in Court a few days ago.”
“He did, and he was very helpful too,” Bean offered, to which Discord gave a pleased scoff. “What did he tell you about it?”
“Well, he said he couldn’t tell me much about the details, but he did say it was a tricky decision and that you did a good job with your ruling. It must be very difficult getting adjusted to being a Prince.”
“Somewhat, but Celestia has been patient with me, and slowly I’m getting the hang of it. There’s a lot to learn, I’m finding out. I need to study history, legislation, diplomacy, etiquette, combat…”
“Combat?” Fluttershy asked with a hint of worry.
“Just some self-defense, nothing too in-depth for now. Celestia says she wants me to know enough to get myself out of a bad situation and to get the guards into it. I agree with her: I just want to avoid being dead weight if something like that happens.”
“Well, I certainly hope it doesn’t,” said Fluttershy with a pat of Discord’s talon. “But you would help Bean out too if something bad happened, right?”
“My dear Fluttershy, I hardly think we need to worry about that. I believe Princess Celestia would be the one to rescue our stallion in distress before anypony else.”
“I’d rather avoid all that too,” Bean chuckled. “I know I would turn Equestria inside out if I had to for Celly, and I think she would do the same for me, but it would be best if we don’t go there.”
“I know I always feel a little bad when we used the Elements of Harmony, but it always worked out for the best,” Fluttershy remarked. “I’m glad you have good friends to help you out, just like I do.”
“I am too. I know I’m gonna need all the help I can get to keep from totally ruining Equestria,” he said with a glance to Discord. “But the friends I have, and the ones I have yet to meet, are sure to help me avoid such a calamitous fate.”
“You just let me know if you need anything, and I’ll be more than happy to help,” Fluttershy offered. “And I know the other girls will do whatever they can, too. We’re all here for you.”
“Thank you,” said Bean with a deeply grateful smile. He felt the warmth of friendship burning in his chest, and he was amazed that there were so many who would do so much to help him out. He knew he didn’t deserve all of this support, but he was immensely pleased it was there and that it gave him something to stand on.
“Discord, why don’t you tell us one of your stories?” Fluttershy asked with a soft smile for her draconequus friend. “I bet Bean would love to hear one.”
“Yeah, tell!” Bean offered with a slight laugh. “I’ve always heard one way to become a better writer it to read and listen to a lot of other stories.”
“Oh, well,” Discord stammered playfully with some red on his cheeks. “If you two simply insist. Have I ever told you about the time I trained my right paw to fetch my left leg?”
Bean, Discord, and Fluttershy chuckled heartily at the draconequus’ tale. Discord had quite a few interesting and amusing stories, and Bean couldn’t help but laugh at his antics.
“Oh, Discord!” Fluttershy remarked after her giggles had settled down. “You’ll have to show me how to do that sometime.”
“I would love to, my dear,” Discord replied, but then a cuckoo clock appeared right next to him in a flash of light and chimed, sending the cuckoo in one ear and out the other several times. “Oh, but look at the time! I’m afraid I have to get Bean back to Canterlot.”
“Oh, do you have to go already?” Fluttershy asked somewhat sadly.
“Yeah, I do,” Bean replied. “This has been fun, but Celly and I are heading to the Crystal Empire this afternoon. I need to get back so I can head out with her.”
A knock at the door caught everypony’s attention, but Discord quickly stood and began moving to the door. “I’ll get it! It’s probably my supply of whoopie cushions. Pinkie Pie keeps stealing them off my porch, you know, so I have to send them elsewhere to prevent that.”
“Well, say hello to Cadance and Shining Armor for me when you do get there,” said Fluttershy to Bean as they both stood. “I think you’ll really like the Crystal Ponies, and make sure you get a chance to see the Crystal Heart. It’s really quite neat. Oh, and if you can, you should go see the tiny ewes in their petting zoo. They’re just so adorable!”
“Well hello!” Discord exclaimed. “I didn’t expect to see you here!”
“Good afternoon, Discord!” Celestia’s voice drifted into the house, and Fluttershy’s pupils shrank to pinpricks.
“Oh my goodness! Princess Celestia, here?! Oh, I hope she doesn’t mind the mess!”
“Come in, come in!” Discord offered. “Care for some tea?”
“I would normally say yes, but I’m afraid we need to be going.”
“I was just about to bring him back, tags and all, you know.” Discord reached out with one clawed hand and produced a mattress tag from the inside of the vest Bean had not been wearing two seconds ago that promised exile to the moon if removed.
“I’m sure you were, but I decided to come get him myself since we had to pass by this way anyway.” Celestia ducked slightly to keep from impaling the rafters and birdhouses. “Fluttershy, hello! I hope I’m not causing a disruption by coming here.”
“You, a disruption?” Fluttershy replied with a panicked smile and several quick breaths. “Not at all! I was just getting everything tidied up here, that’s all!”
“Good, I would hate for you to have a panic just because I am here. Did my Bean behave himself?” she asked playfully.
“Bean? Oh, he was a delight!” Fluttershy replied. “It was nice to have him here, and he and Discord had a lot of good stories and jokes to tell.”
“Bean-o was on his best behavior, Celly,” Discord added. “He even offered to bring sugar cookies to the next tea party.”
“He did? Well, I shall have to have a sample of them first to ensure they are fit for a tea party of such distinction as this one,” Celestia replied with a wink for her husband. “May I be so impetuous as to invite myself to accompany Bean next week?”
“Of course you can come!” Fluttershy immediately replied. “We would love to have you here.”
“Are you sure? I know you started this for yourself and Discord. I don’t want to interrupt that.”
“Not at all!” Discord replied, and he threw his talon over her withers. “So long as you can tolerate a little chaos, we would love to have you.”
“It… can get a little chaotic at times,” Fluttershy added. “We had a nice Camembert cheese tea today, for example.”
“Camembert?” Celestia asked. “Interesting. Camembert is good, but I always prefered Edam, or perhaps a nice Brie.”
“What luck, I was just saying I had a nice Edam to bring next time!” Discord proclaimed. “You simply must come next week.”
“How about we make it tentative?” Celestia offered. “I will plan on coming, but if you would feel better with my absence then please say so. I won’t be offended at all.”
“We’ll take that under advisement. Now, off you go!” he replied as he grabbed Bean, placed him on Celestia’s back, and then turned her around. “Important meetings to attend to and all that! Don’t worry, I’ll help Fluttershy tidy up here. Tootles!”
“See you next week, Fluttershy!” Bean called back as they exited, and both Royals waved goodbye before Celestia began walking down the path towards town. He then simply wrapped his arms around her neck, and she gave him a quick giggle for his nip of her ear.
“Did you have a good time?” she asked.
“It was fun, yes. I was a little worried at first about doing something wrong, but once I relaxed it was really nice. Fluttershy is a good host, and Discord has some amusing stories. I’m glad I came.”
“I’m glad you did, too,” she replied. “Discord needs more friends, and I think he likes you. Hopefully some of your distinct Bean-ness can help influence him.”
“Have to be careful with that. Some of his Discord-ness might rub off on me.”
Celestia glanced back at him with a smirk. “A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest of ponies.”
Bean was about to question that, but he heard her wings pop out, and he instead smiled as his grip tightened slightly.
“Did I mention that I liked flying with you?”
“You didn’t have to. I could tell.”
Bean whooped with delight as one mighty push of Celestia’s wings took them both airborne.
* * ✹ * *
“I think I’m a bad influence on you,” Bean remarked.
“Oh?” Celestia laughed. “How so?”
“The Princess of Equestria, flying?! What is this world coming to? Celestia doesn’t fly!”
“I actually quite enjoy flying,” she replied with a playful boop for him. “I just don’t have much time to do so, and I do have a tendency to fly faster than my guards can. They don’t like that very much.”
“Speaking of guards, how long were Sergeants Pokey and Clover Leaf hanging out by the front door of Fluttershy’s?”
“They took off as soon as we figured out Wysteria was missing, so perhaps fifteen minutes after you had started.”
“Wysteria is okay, right?”
“She’s fine, yes. She sent me a magic letter from the Pineapple Islands explaining what had happened. I sent a reply saying she should enjoy the time alone with Quillpoint and that we’d see her in a few days. I think she’ll enjoy a small break.”
“She could send a letter from that far out?”
“It’s not easy to do, but with enough magic power behind it she can, yes. There is also the side benefit of no belching at the receiving end.”
“You, belch? I’d pay good money to see that.”
“You’d better not,” she laughed. “For one thing, Luna would need to defend her title.”
“You’re joking.”
“Nope. The Royal Canterlot Voice is nothing compared to that thu’um she’s got.”
“You have got to be messing with me.”
“Provide me with a cold mug of root beer and we can settle the matter quickly,” Luna replied with a laugh while she entered the rail car. “I won’t relinquish my title without a fight, you know.”
“One of these days you two will quit surprising me.” Bean laughed.
“Just don’t get her anywhere near Shining,” Celestia whispered loudly from behind a hoof. “They might cause an earthquake.”
“Shining?” Luna replied with a scoff. “You should worry more about Cadance.”
“Should we just throw Twilight in the ring as well?” Bean asked with a laugh.
“I don’t think Twilight could handle seeing such a sight,” Celestia replied. “And I can only imagine the rather lengthy essay I would get on how Royalty does not stoop to belching.”
“Would she rather it takes the back door?” Luna asked.
“All right, all right,” Bean offered. “Before this gets any more out of hoof, let’s change the subject. How long before we reach the Empire?”
“Perhaps six hours or so,” Celestia replied. “It will depend on the weather.”
“There’s a storm?”
“The weather around the Empire is similar to the weather in the Everfree. Blizzards will frequently form on their own, and it can make the railroad tracks impassable for a time. However, the last weather report I received indicated that there were no storms in the vicinity. We should be able to continue without any undue delays.”
“Huh. That’s still so strange to think that weather can work on its own. It would make more sense to me if you said there were a bunch of rogue pegasi with snow clouds running around and making blizzards.”
“That might be more logical, but sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction.”
“Maybe once I see it for myself,” Bean shrugged. “So, what happens once we get there?”
“We’ll be greeted by Shining and Cadence, and then we will be treated to dinner before having some time together to chat and retiring for the evening. Tomorrow they will take us on a tour of the Empire, and you’ll get to meet many of the crystal ponies during this time, along with the major points of interest in the Empire. It’ll be a good time to practice your meet-and-greet skills.”
“Will you be with us, Luna?”
“I will not,” she replied simply. “I have set up a meeting with Blueblood, and I wish to figure out what went wrong as soon as possible.”
“Huh, okay,” Bean replied thoughtfully. “When will I meet him, then?”
“You will meet him at dinner this evening,” Celestia replied first. “It should be… memorable, to say the least.”
“I hope not. I’m not as good as you are at reading body language and vocal tones, but I am willing to bet you don’t mean the good type of memorable.”
“He’ll behave himself, and the meeting should be cordial,” Celestia replied with a hard glare. “If he isn’t, he’s going to find himself negotiating over the most banal things I can find.”
“You could always sic Shining on him again,” Luna offered with a wicked smile. “I did rather enjoy watching him try to run all those laps the last time.”
“Now, Luna. I do not wish to be the one responsible for giving my beloved nephew a heart attack.”
“From running?” Luna scoffed. “That won’t cause it. He quite nearly had one when I told him why I had to leave in the first place, so I imagine he will have one all on his own once he finally meets the good Bean. He told me that he hoped you had enough sense to boop a tall, rugged, and charming stallion who would remind him of himself.”
“But my Bean is charming,” Celestia replied with a quick boop for the one she loved. “I don’t care if he can see that or not. I’m keeping this Bean, and I will love him, and hold him, and squeeze him, and hug him, and cuddle him, and keep him warm so he never feels rejected, and…”
“Good moon and stars above, I’ll get used to this one day, too,” Luna muttered with a smile as Celestia nuzzled her Bean with a playfully delighted giggle. She then rapped her hoof on the side of the car and shouted, “Get this train moving! I am going to be smothered back here if you don’t!”
“Ow, my head,” Bean moaned. “How in Equestria do you read this stuff without going cross-eyed?”
“The trick is to tackle it like you would a banquet.” Celestia tapped the ream of papers on the desk to straighten them. “Take small portions over a long time, especially with complicated things like this.”
“Minister Wise will be happy to see her budget approved, I bet.”
“In her own deadpan way, yes.” Celestia chuckled. “Just sign this here.”
“My first budget!” Bean proclaimed, and he took the wooden handled quill in mouth. “Should we have a picture taken to remember the occasion?”
“We’ll have plenty of those when we return to Canterlot and give it back to Minister Wise for implementation,” she said while he dipped the steel nib in the ink and signed. “But perhaps we save this authorization paper. It is your first legislative accomplishment, in a way.”
“Probably the first time I’ve been accomplished in anything,” he remarked, but then Celestia gave him a not-quite-so playful nip on the ear.
“Stop that. You are an accomplished cook, after all.”
“I suppose so,” he replied back as she kissed his cheek. Though he had doubts about the validity of that statement he decided it wasn’t worth a debate. She was praising him, so he should accept it as such. “Does Luna need to sign this as well?”
“She does, but I think it would be best to let her rest for now,” she replied while they both turned their attention to her sleeping form. “The duties of the night will not wait, and she will need her energy for them.”
“I see what you mean about her looking tortured,” he offered with a touch of sadness. Luna was curled up into a tight ball and her face was contorted into what looked like depressed anger, but with a strong hint of self-loathing for some odd reason. “I feel bad for her, and she isn’t even doing anything.”
“I can only hope that she is not having troubled dreams. That realm lies beyond my abilities, so I cannot assist her unless she allows me in.”
“It’s a bit surprising that you don’t have access to that.”
“Not really.” She shrugged. “Just about everything has a limit in this world, including magic. I cannot do everything, as much as I might like to, just like anypony else. Dreams are under Luna’s power, just like the moon should be.”
“So, is there some sort of special ability you have with the sun that she does not?”
“Oh, indeed,” she replied in haughtiness. “I have the ability to read budget proposals without going stark raving mad.”
“Any chance you could share?”
They both laughed softly before she replied. “I’ll see what I can do. I do have prophetic visions from time to time, but I am not sure if that is limited to just me.”
“Visions? Wow,” Bean said in awe.
“It’s not quite as precise as you think. They are rare, and so far they have come to me only when there is something that is a grave threat to Equestria. I did not foresee Discord’s first release from stone, for example, so I cannot rely on them to warn me of all potential problems. However, when I do receive them I know that the threat is most dire, and I will do whatever I must to prepare for it.”
“Still, that’s pretty cool.”
“Let’s hope I don’t have one for a long time, though,” she replied.
“I agree. So what should we do now? We still have a few hours before we reach the Empire, I think.”
“We do, and I do have something we can try if you’d like.”
“I would like,” he replied with a curious gaze and an eager grin. “What is it?”
“I’ve been thinking about how you want to know more about my hobbies, and I thought I might try taking one up again, just to see if I have any interest in it.”
Bean looked like he might burst with happiness. “Really? What is it? What can I do to encourage you?”
She giggled at his enthusiasm. “Out of all the hobbies I have tried, painting was the one that has held my interest the longest and that I have enjoyed the most. I think that I should try that again.”
“I think you should too!” he replied. “What can I help with?”
“Would you like to be my subject?” she replied with a slight grin.
“Princess Celestia wants to paint my portrait? How could I possibly say no?” he said with a laugh. “I’d be honored, my dear.”
“Good. Have a seat right there for me.” She pointed to a plush chair, and Bean promptly plopped himself into it. “Let’s see. I need a canvas and easel first,” Celestia thought aloud with her horn alight. Said items then appeared in the rail car with a flash, along with an open wood box that held an impressive collection of paint tins and brushes. “And my supplies, naturally.”
“Naturally. How long has it been since you last painted?”
“Only five years.”
“Really, that recent?” he asked.
“It’s been an off-again, on-again hobby,” she replied while she squared away her canvas. “And I don’t claim to be a great painter, only a modest one.”
“Modest is just fine by me,” Bean offered, while Celestia pulled out a palette with her magic and began scooping out small clumps of paint to work with, although she had to add a few drops of solvent to each color. Personally, Bean wondered if it had been perhaps just a few more than five years since she had picked up a brush, but he dismissed the thought in order to offer encouragement. “I bet whatever you paint will astound me.”
“Perhaps,” she replied with a smirk. “But I do appreciate the inspiring words. Are you comfortable like that? I’ll need you to stay put for a while.”
Bean flung himself over the armrests and put a hoof on his hip. “Here we go. Paint me like one of your Prench stallions.”
Somehow Celestia didn’t laugh, but her lips twitched upward. “That’s not quite how it’s supposed to work, love.”
“No? How about this, then?” he retorted, and he sat upright before pulling a face that was probably supposed to be dramatic but came off as badly puckered lips. “How’s this?”
Celestia didn’t bother to try and hold back her snicker. “Do you really want that to be preserved and placed on display for all of Equestria to see?”
“I think the question is do you want this face to be on display?” He asked with a quick bob of his eyebrows.
“It is adorable and very kissable, so perhaps not,” she replied. “The guards would have to keep all of your fans away from it.”
“So, they would have to keep you away?”
“And it is very hard to keep me away from what I love, but I’m not kissing a painting,” she said with a shake of her head. “Just be natural. You’ll hurt those lovely lips if you hold it like that for too long.”
“I think you may be onto something,” he replied as he relaxed. “I’m good now. Paint away.”
“Hmm, let me see,” Celestia thought for a minute, and then she took the palette and brush in hoof. “A nice cadmium yellow, with just a touch of—”
“No magic?” Bean interrupted.
“No magic,” Celestia confirmed. “Believe it or not, I paint by instinct, without a preliminary sketch or drawing lines all over the canvas. The earth pony I learned from hated it, but in time, he realized that I actually work better this way, and it’s stuck ever since. Besides, I use magic for nearly everything I do in a day. It’s therapeutic, in a way, to use my hooves to create something. Though I suppose painting by mouth might strengthen my kissing muscles,” she said before smacking her lips and bobbing her eyebrows.
“I dunno, your kisses are pretty powerful already,” Bean said with a return bob. “But what you say makes sense. I love making new dishes and preparing meals by hoof, so why couldn’t that extend to other things?”
“Now that is an interesting thought,” she said. “I’m sure Luna told you about Blueblood’s more eccentric attitudes, especially regarding so-called ‘common’ things, but I wonder how he would react if he was served one of your meals in secret.”
“I think he’d love it until he found out the truth, and then he’d hate it.”
“Most likely,” she said as her brush began to move across the canvas. “Still, perhaps we’ll have you make a meal all the same.”
“If the food is as exotic as you say it is, you may not be able to stop me.”
She laughed a little at that, and dipped her brush in more paint. “I never want to stop you, my dear Bean.”
“Nor I you.”
Celestia smiled. “I don’t believe you ever will. Even now you motivate and inspire me, and I do believe you will always do so.”
* * ✹ * *
“You took up painting again?” Luna asked.
“I did,” Celestia replied simply.
“Good. You don’t take enough time for yourself,” Luna looked over her sister’s work. “And it is a fair start you have. I dare say it is even as good as your portrait of Star.”
“I hope so,” Celestia replied. “That still remains my magnum opus.”
“If anything deserves to replace Star, it is Bean.” Luna replied with a soft smile. “For you at least. Perhaps I shall make my own portrait of Star.”
“I’ll make a special wing just for Royal Husbands. We’ll have Cadence provide a portrait of her husband as well.”
“Does she know how to paint? I fear she may just cover Shining Armor in phthalo blue and roll him on the canvas.”
“I have taught her the wet-on-wet technique, so I’m sure she could paint a lovely winter scene with some happy little clouds. You and I would probably need to coach her some on portraits, however.”
“A pet project for another time, I suppose. Where did your husband get to, anyway?”
“Sergeant Clover Leaf pulled him away for a moment to go over some security details. I believe she is mostly showing him where the emergency exits are within the Empire. He should be right back.”
A scroll then flashed into existence before the diarchs, and Celestia quickly snagged it in her magic before unfurling and reading it quickly.
“Ah, good news! Pinkamena Diane Pie has graciously accepted my offer to join us in the Crystal Empire. She will join us tomorrow to help finalize plans for the wedding party.”
“Pinkamena? Who is that?” Bean asked with a quick close of the door. “Is that Pinkie Pie?”
“It is,” Celestia replied and she gave him a quick boop. “All done with the briefing?”
“I think so, but I really hope I never have to use any of those escape routes. Particularly the ones in the sewers.”
“As do I, but it is always best to be prepared.”
“Right. I think… that…”
Bean’s gaze had drifted to something outside the car, and he slowly walked over to the window with wide eyes and mouth agape. Celestia and Luna both chuckled slightly before joining him, and Celestia’s wing draped over her astonished beloved.
“Baked Bean, welcome to the Crystal Empire.”
The sight before the Bean was one that he knew he had to use at some future point in his writing, and he desperately wished he hadn’t left his notebook back in Canterlot. The sudden shift from snow-covered wasteland to lush, green fields was what had first caught his attention, but now that the tracks were bending around the perimeter of the Empire, he was graced with an unparalleled view of the silvery Crystal Palace, and the stately crystal homes and buildings that made up the magnificence before him. His wife’s sun reflected off of the structures with a brilliance and sheen that only served to amplify the grandeur of the structures, and his mind whirled in anticipation of what else the luminous Empire held for him to experience.
“I see why they call it an Empire,” Bean said softly, as he tried to take in the totality of the sight all at once. “This is astounding! All that is made out of crystal?”
“The exact same crystal that now hangs around your neck, yes,” Celestia replied with a smile.
“Wow. This thing is, like, indestructible then,” Bean remarked with a quick touch of the sun he wore.
“Not quite, but it is extremely resistant to damage.”
“So, how much of the Empire is made out of crystal?” Bean began, but both Celestia and Luna smiled as he rattled on without stopping. “Do they harvest it or grow it, or do they mine it? Is it like diamonds, or any other gem we know of? Do they eat it? How did the crystal ponies first come to be? Were they always ponies, and moved here, or—”
“My dear Bean! Breathe!” Celestia admonished with a laugh, and Bean paused long enough to inhale deeply. “All your questions will be answered, but I think we should let Shining Armor and Cadence handle them. It is their kingdom, and they know it best.”
“Any chance you could teleport my notebook here?”
Celestia smiled, her horn lit, and Bean’s notebook came floating out from under the train bench where it had been hidden.
“You brought it with you? I think I know a sun princess who is due for a wing massage tonight for having amazing foresight into what I would want.”
“Mmmm, that sounds good to me,” she replied with a nuzzle for him.
~*~
“Bean!” Shining Armor called out. “Good to see you again!”
“Good to see you too!” Bean offered, and the two shared a quick hoofbump. “Long time, no see, eh?”
“Right. It’s been, what? Two weeks maybe?”
“Something like that. Cadence, hello! It’s a pleasure to see you too.”
“Welcome to the Empire, Uncle Bean,” Cadence offered with a quick hug for him. “We’re glad you could come.”
“I don’t even know how to begin to say what I’m thinking. There really are no words,” he offered. “I need Celly to expand my vocabulary so I have more ways to express ‘overawed’ and ‘amazed.’ Everything I’ve seen is incredible!”
“And you haven’t even gotten past the train station yet!” Cadence laughed. “If you like what you’ve seen so far, you’ll love the rest of it. Canterlot is nice, but the Crystal Empire really is a treat all unto itself.”
“That it is, and I have to say Celly made the right call in sending you both here. My Crystal Empire history is a bit sketchy, but what I do know tell me you’ve been making miracles here.”
“We can hardly take credit for much of all the things our subjects have done. We just provided the means for them. They had the drive.”
“A thousand year rest and a fresh start will do that to a pony.” Bean chuckled. “So, what do have planned for us?”
“Dinner is almost ready, and Prince Blueblood is here as well,” Cadence replied as they walked towards a waiting carriage. “I’m sure Auntie Celestia warned you about…”
The Royals laughed as Bean quickly trotted away from them and up to the crystal ponies who were to provide their transportation. The newest Royal Spouse looked like a colt in a candy store who had gotten a hold of the largest candy bar in the shop and was about to make a gigantic chocolate mess of himself.
“I love his curiosity,” Cadence remarked to her aunts while they watched Bean pepper the nearest pony with questions. “It’s nice to see that he wants to learn so much about everything. The crystal ponies will be overjoyed to see he him acting like this.”
“You may have to put a leash on him, Sister,” Luna cautioned with a nod. “He’s liable to wander off on you.”
“I don’t think he’ll be too hard to find,” Celestia replied with a quick laugh. “He’ll probably attract a crowd wherever he goes. But, to answer your question, both Luna and I warned him about Blueblood, yes. How has his behavior been so far?”
“Well, he’s been civil and polite, so good, I suppose,” Cadence replied.
“Were you able to question him concerning the Yaks?” Luna asked.
“I did,” Shining answered, “but I didn’t get much out of him. He just said the Yaks cut off talks that morning and kicked him out. He claims not to know why or what could have caused them to so abruptly cease negotiations.”
“Have they shown any other signs of hostility? I mean other than being Yaks.”
“Not so far, no. I’ve got a scout patrol near the border, and I’ve got my commanders here on notice, but the Yaks seem to be content to just sit. There was a slight increase in troop numbers just after Blueblood arrived here, but I’m not sure if it’s a vanguard group or just a small increase to dissuade us from trying anything.”
“Interesting. Perhaps Blueblood will be willing to share more detail when I meet with him tomorrow.”
“We have that scheduled for right after breakfast,” Shining replied. “Would you like me to be there as well?”
“No, I believe he will be more forthcoming if it is just us. Besides, I would hate to cut into your ‘stallion time.’”
“No worries there,” Shining chuckled. “Cady and I are planning on returning to Canterlot with you for the wedding party. Bean and I will have plenty of time to talk buckball.”
“Should we go rescue poor Toola-Roola?” Cadence asked. “I think Bean is going to talk her ear off.”
“You two should have seen him when he first met Spike,” Luna laughed.
~*~
“Bean? Are you coming?”
Celestia giggled a bit when she turned and saw her Bean gawking at the composition and symmetry of the main foyer. “So… much… crystal…”
“I get the feeling you like the Crystal Empire.”
“That’s like saying I like you,” he replied, and he smiled up at her. “I’m sorry, I’ll quit staring now.”
“Don’t worry about it, my love,” she replied. “If anything, the Crystal Ponies will appreciate the attention and praise, especially from a Prince.”
“Yeah?”
Celestia nodded, and her gaze turned upward. “I’m sure you know at least the basics about King Sombra, and you’ll learn more about him while we are here. But, you can imagine that after the traumatic experience of his rule, the ponies of the Empire were a bit hesitant to see another male ruler within these walls. I would not have sent Shining Armor here without Cadence; the crystal ponies would have simply cowered in their homes in fear of another Sombra episode. His efforts to protect the Empire during its return did much to assuage their feelings, but the haunting memory of Sombra still weighs heavily on their memories. With you, they can see many things: one who was once a commoner, like them; a royal who wants to learn about their history and how their Empire runs; and most importantly a prince who loves his wife and what she loves as well. The more love they see and feel, the more at peace they will be. I believe they will receive much of both from you.”
“And the love and harmony that is generated here spreads to the rest of Equestria.”
“Right,” she replied with a quick boop for him.
“So, y’know. No pressure, right?” he chuckled.
“Just be yourself,” Celestia offered through a whisper in his ear. “That will make the biggest impact. They will be able to tell if you are trying too hard, or if you are ‘faking it’, so to say, and then they will wonder what your true motives are. If you are you, then they will know that you are here as their friend, and they will respond with friendship in return.”
“And if I mess something up, or say something wrong?”
“We’ll all have a good laugh about it, and we’ll move on,” Celestia replied. “Nopony here is expecting you to be perfect. Honestly, I think the ponies here will appreciate a bit of non-professionalism. If you are really a commoner, you should behave like one, and that involves slip-ups. There is no pressure, love. Enjoy yourself, and enjoy the time here.”
Bean nodded. “All right. I can do that.”
“Good,” she replied with a nuzzle for him. “Let me go check on dinner. I’ll be right back.”
She then teleported away, and Bean sighed with a glance around the hall again. He was still a bit worried, but his love’s words had calmed him and he was going to try to simply enjoy his visit, just as she had said. All he had to do was smile and wave.
A set of hoofsteps caused him to flick an ear towards the source, and he turned to see who was walking up towards him, expecting some member of the palace staff, or perhaps Shining Armor. However, the hallway he was looking down showed no pony, despite the hoof falls getting closer, so he glanced towards another hallway.
“So. You are ‘Prince’ Baked Bean, I presume?”
Bean let out a rather undignified yelp and whirled to face the voice that had come up behind him unawares. A white unicorn stallion stood before him, with a blonde mane and what looked like a gold-and-blue compass for a cutie mark and a rather disinterested glance over the Bean before him.
“Oh! Sorry, you startled me,” Bean remarked, and he extended a hoof. “I’m Bean, yes. You must be Prince Blueblood. It’s nice to meet you.”
“You’re a rather homely looking thing, aren’t you?”
“To some, yes,” he replied, and he dropped his hoof back to the floor. Blueblood was not much for hoofbumps, it seemed.
“Hmpf. Well, I suppose my Aunt Celestia could have done worse. I am Prince Blueblood, yes. I suppose it is my pleasure to make your acquaintance. You’ve just arrived, I take it?”
“Yeah, just about half an hour ago.”
“I must say, I was quite surprised when Aunt Luna abruptly left the negotiations with the Yaks to attend to your wedding,” Blueblood continued while he circled Bean with a critical eye. “And all of this occurred because of a nose boop?”
“Well, yes, but that was only the start.”
“So I’ve heard. I suppose you are quite madly in love with Celestia, yes?”
“I am,” Bean said with deep conviction in his voice. He wasn’t sure if Blueblood was trying to intimidate him or not, but he wasn’t going to let him win if he was. “And she is quite in love with me.”
“I suppose she must be,” Blueblood replied. “But I also suppose it wouldn’t take much to impress her. A little affection, some soft words, and she’d be putty in your hooves.”
“I love Baked Bean for all that and more,” Celestia replied, and both turned to watch her walk up to them, wings flared, with Cadence right behind. “And it actually took quite a bit for him to impress me. I would urge caution if you wish to think otherwise.”
“I meant no disrespect, Aunt Celestia,” Blueblood responded with a deep bow.
“I question that, but I certainly hope you are being honest. If you’re quite done with your ‘greetings,’ dinner is ready. Would you care to accompany us?”
“Of course, Your Highness,” Blueblood replied flatly.
* * ✹ * *
Prince Blueblood couldn’t believe what he was seeing.
When had Celestia repealed the rules of Order and Decorum? He didn’t recall hearing that it was acceptable for a pony in a formal and royal setting such as this to behave the way this Baked Bean was.
It had all started as soon as the meal had been presented for their enjoyment. Baked Bean, instead of nodding politely to the waitress, had chosen to hold her back and to interrogate her on what the meal was composed of and what the specific ingredients were. Chef Amberlocks was then summoned, and Bean had actually had the audacity to talk to her about how much salt she had put in the dish!
Of course, Aunt Celestia had simply thought the whole thing was amusing and probably adorable, given the look on her face and the way she kept giggling behind a hoof at his antics. Aunt Luna was no better; she simply smiled and watched as she ate, and Blueblood could tell she was not the least bit concerned with the way he was acting. Shining Armor was, well, Shining Armor. The other commoner in the room had that ridiculous smirk on his face too, and he hadn’t bothered to see how Cadence was reacting.
Then the Yellow One began eating the meal. He had this ridiculous habit, or perhaps some sort of nervous tic, of sniffing each new food before gently touching the tip of his tongue to it and then pausing to contemplate what he had just introduced to his senses. He would then scribble some thoughts in a notebook he had brought in with him, and then he would move to take another sniff-bite.
What was he trying to do with that sniff? He had been told that this Bean was a chef in some backwater town that he didn’t care to remember, but there was no way a simple sniff of the food and a quick taste could give him any insight into what he was eating, not to mention the impropriety of taking notes during a formal state dinner.
Clearly this Bean hadn’t learned proper etiquette prior to this point in life, and it was a bit shameful that his aunts had not bothered to educate him on the proper manners one should have.
Thankfully, things now seemed to be settling down, and Baked Bean was calmly eating his meal while Cadence, Shining Armor, and Celestia discussed their plans for tomorrow. Luna was silent as well, but Blueblood knew she was listening to the discussion, and he wasn’t looking forward to explaining what had happened with the Yaks.
But that was a problem for Future Blueblood. For right now, he needed to gather the facts and to perform his evaluation. He knew that the infatuation that Aunt Celestia and Baked Bean felt towards each other meant that this yellow mud-trotter wasn’t going to go away anytime soon, so he was going to need to play his cards carefully. One wrong move against her little pet, and he’d incur the ire of Celestia, which was never a pleasant experience. No, this required tact, as difficult as that might be, and discreet observation. Once he had a fuller understanding of what the competition was, then he could make the appropriate adjustments. There was even an outside chance he could teach the commoner a few rules and how things were supposed to be.
This brought a small smile. It would be a challenge, but he knew he was more than equal to the task. If his Aunts did not care to teach this Bean the proper order of things, then he would. It really was his duty and honor to do so, now that he thought of it. He alone could bring a degree of culture to this uncouth outsider. The fool would thank him for it later.
A small belch emanated and echoed in the room, and Blueblood barely held back his sigh of annoyance as Baked Bean blushed behind a napkin and excused himself. This was going to take a lot of work.
The sigh escaped, and was accompanied by a heavy eye roll when Shining Armor let loose a belch of his own with a smug grin. He stood corrected: there were two crass ponies he needed to work on.
Though he did realize he shouldn’t be surprised. The soldier-prince had probably had all manners drubbed out of him during basic guard training. He truly had no idea what Cadence saw in him.
But then another belch reverberated off the walls. By Celestia’s sun! Did the two of them really not understand how rudely they were behaving?
“Is that a challenge, my dear niece?” Luna asked Cadence, and the reply made Blueblood’s ears hurt:
“Why, I do believe it is. What will you do about it?”
“This is not happening! Please tell me this is not happening!” Blueblood protested, but his words went unheeded. He watched in a confused shock as Luna quickly emptied her goblet, pulled a face that made it look like she had just bitten into a lemon, and then let fly a belch that rattled the silverware on the table before him for a solid four seconds.
“Oh, you can do better than that!” Celestia laughed. “Come, I bet I can best you by at least two seconds!”
Blueblood groaned and put his face in his hooves while the floor beneath him vibrated and the dinner guests laughed. He had to act quickly. Baked Bean was already corrupting the Diarchy with his common ways, and if left unchecked he could bring about the end of Equestria as he knew it.
“He did it!” Wysteria grumbled and turned to pace back the way she’d come. “That two-faced son of a jackal really banished us!”
“I still don’t understand why I am here,” Quill offered, turning in the sun so that his shadow lined up with the rather odd circle around him and his horn shadow pointed to an oversized IX. “I make a fairly poor sundial.”
“He thought you were my coltfriend,” Wysteria quickly replied, and she twisted back again.
“Oh… am I?” Quill made a nervous chuckle that had a distinct squeak at the end of it. It seemed his question was unheard as the bespectacled unicorn continued to pace the sand, fuming to such an extent that one might expect the beach to turn to glass.
“You know you’re going to dig a trench doing that,” Quill remarked. He carefully stepped out of the circle, and when Nightmare Moon failed to gobble him up he moved to a nearby palm tree and placed his front hooves on it.
“You’re worried about that?!” She snapped. “In case you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t heard, there’s the little matter of a royal wedding coming up! I don’t have time for a vacation right now!”
“Well, what did you do to get us banished here?”
“What did I do?!”She exclaimed before barking out a sardonic laugh. “My job! That’s what I did!” She further huffed before plunking down in the sand.
“Sooooo, he sent us here for no reason? That does sound like him.” He gave the tree a sharp push, and a coconut promptly fell out and bounced off his helmet.
“I did not either, Hysteria,” Discord’s voice emanated from within the downed drupe.
“Wys-teria!” she enunciated with force.
“That! That right there!” Discord’s face appeared on the coconut, along with a paw and talon. “You are far too uptight, and you’re going to blow a gasket! You need to relax!”
“Relax?!” Wysteria shouted at Discorconut. “I am relaxed! If I was any more relaxed, I’d be dead!”
Quill snickered. He had never been privy to a coconut giving a pony a dubious look before.
“I’m not convinced,” Discorconut replied. “Look, I tell you what. Here’s a scroll and pencil,” he snapped his paw, and said items appeared. “Write a letter to your boss and tell her what happened. You’ll see. She believes you need a break too.”
“Fine,” Wysteria growled while she grabbed the items in her magic and began writing out the letter. “How long do you plan on leaving us here?”
“You and the bucket of bolts—”
“Hey!”
“—have a three day, two night, some expenses paid vacation here, unless Celly says you have to come back. I’ll even provide some island perks, how’s that?”
“What kind of perks?” Quill wondered aloud, before being cut off haphazardly with a hoof.
“Don’t even go there. Celestia will say she needs me,” Wysteria retorted as she threw the pencil to one side. Her horn then sent a surge of magic, and the letter disintegrated into smoke and quickly flew away on the breeze. “I can tell you that right now. I need to coordinate the catering, the cake, the photographer, and the gowns, not to mention the security details and crowd control, and—”
“Yes, yes,” Discorconut scoffed. “All of that is being handled by two very capable pink ponies. Really, you can’t go wrong when you have that much pink in cahoots together.”
“I beg to differ. Pinkie Pie may be good, but she’s never dealt with something this big before.”
“Oh? That little shin-dig with Shining, Cady and the Bug Bomb doesn’t count?”
“No, it does not. This is easily three of those weddings put together. And why am I arguing with a coconut?”
“Say, have you seen my legs?” Discorconut glanced about, and he used what limbs he had to move himself and look around. “I like to pace when I postulate with ponies, but you really can’t do that with arms. It ruins the effect.”
“Sorry, fresh out.”
“I may have seen a wing over here,” Quill offered from where he was inspecting the beach.
“Oh, so that’s where that got to! Hold on to that for me, I’ll be right over. Wis, could you be a dear and help a coconut out?”
“No way. Get yourself over there.”
“Oh come on, where is that famous Canterlot courtesy?”
Wysteria turned back to the animated nut, her discontent as clear as the sky above them, until something dawned on her and her face turned quite sinister.
The nearby macaws nesting in the trees received quite a fright as a coconut with eyeballs and arms went barreling through the air, bellowing all the way. The arc was clean, the spiral tight, and Quill whistled low in appreciation.
“Nice punt,” he offered as he put a hoof over his eyes to watch the landing. “Good distance.”
“Thanks. That felt amazing.”
“Well! That’s the appreciation I get.” Discorconut huffed after dropping out of the sky and landing in front of Wysteria again. “I don’t get no respect, I tell ya.”
A reply scroll then flashed into existence, and Wysteria cackled in delight as her magic snagged and unfurled it. “Here! Now, we can get this settled and over with.”
Wysteria,
I believe Discord is acting in your best interests; you have looked more than a little uptight lately. A few days to catch your breath would be beneficial in my estimation, but I leave the choice to you. Should you wish to return, I will send a chariot to bring you and Corporal Quillpoint back (provided Discord doesn’t bring you back first), but I will wish you a good vacation otherwise.
-Princess Celestia
“She said you need to unwind, didn’t she?” Discorconut smugly stated.
Without a word she picked up the coconut and place-kicked him, harder and higher than before, and she enjoyed watching him land in the ocean with a resounding splash before she muttered and reread the letter.
“You know, he is our quick ride back,” Quill observed. “Maaaaybe you shouldn’t—”
“Shush.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“She says it’s up to me if I want to stay,” Wysteria continued with a snort. She may have lost the battle but she wasn’t going down without throwing a few more punches.
Discord then sauntered out of the ocean, sans coconut, and back up to them while rubbing a paw against the side of his head. “Did you ever play hoofball professionally? That’s a mean kick you’ve got going there, sister.”
“I have lots of practice from kicking idiotic nobles who won’t move their plots and give me what I need.”
“Makes sense. Well?” Discord tilted his head, and ten gallons of water, three clams, a starfish, a couple of flounders, and an anchor proceeded to fall out of his ear and onto the beach. “You staying or goin’?”
Wysteria glanced around the island. Most of her inner self was screaming to get back to Canterlot since there was far too much work to be done. The wedding was only one part of it: there was Court and the petitioners, and the meeting with Various Special Interest Groups, L.L.C., and the rescheduled appointment with the Benevolent Order of Griffons, and she hadn’t even mentally mentioned the honeymoon she was trying to plan for her bosses.
But, there was a small but growing feeling in opposition to that. The island breeze did feel soft, slightly sweet, and held a hint of exotic fragrance that she usually only smelled in her laundry soap, the sand was gently warming her hooves and relaxing her strained leg muscles, and the gentle rush of the ocean waving and retreating did sound peaceful and clearing, in a way.
She then glanced over to Quill, who had lost his armor somehow and was now starting with a mild amount of horror at the polka-dotted swim trunks he was inexplicably sporting. She did want to spend more time with the reluctant guard, and maybe, just maybe, she could talk him into a hoof massage…
“Three days?” Wysteria finally asked softly, with a wary look.
“Three. I’ll even bring you back in the morning so you can get some work done that afternoon.”
“Some expenses paid?”
“There’s a cash bar. A trifling thing, really.”
“You promise?”
Discord smiled impishly. “I give you my word. But you need to hurry and make your choice. I left Bean floating through a rift in space/time all on his own. It’d be a shame if he ended up fifty years in the future on some other planet.”
Wysteria bit her lip in thought. A small vacation couldn’t hurt that much, could it?
“What ‘perks’ are you including?”
“Lodging, food and drinks, all the Quill time you can stand, and a personal guarantee that you will relax. I’ll even throw in some friendly locals, so you’re not all alone.”
“Locals?”
“That’s a surprise. Take it or leave it.”
Wysteria blew out a frustrated sigh. “If you leave me out here, I will hunt you down.”
“I would expect nothing less from Celestia’s secretary,” he offered with an unwavering grin. “One last thing: what happens on this island stays on this island. I won’t be around to supervise, so on the plus side I can’t tease you about what whatever you do later, but on the flip side whatever you two choose to do is entirely your responsibility. Now, do we have a deal?”
Wysteria weighed the option for a moment while staring at his outstretched paw, but then she put a hoof in it and shook.
“Deal. A little break would be nice.”
Discord giggled gleefully, snapped his talon, and Wysteria’s flowered collar was replaced with a floral lei. A grass skirt appeared around her waist, her glasses were swapped out for a tinted pair that would help to prevent sunburned eyes, and a rather full and beautiful plumeria blossom perched itself behind her right ear. A wave of relaxation washed over her as she felt her mane fall down and over her neck, and she actually smiled a little at Discord in gratitude while saying something she thought was impossible.
“Thank you, Discord.”
Discord simply chuckled and disappeared in a flash of light. Wysteria took a deep and relaxing breath, and her smile grew as Quill wandered back over.
“You know, I’m a little perturbed that I didn’t get to have a say in the negotiations.”
“I can figure out a way to get you back, if you like.”
“Can’t do that, ma’am.”
“What? Why?”
“My assignment is to guard you. Celestia’s secretary is a high value target after all.”
“Just admit you like the view,” Wysteria shot back with a grin.
“As you say, ma’am. So, what exactly did he leave on this rock for us, anyway?”
“I guess we should go find out. I don’t know about you, but a margarita sounds really good right now.”
“Wait. He said it was a cash bar, yeah?”
“Yes, I think he said that.”
“Do you happen to have any cash in that grass skirt of yours?”
Wysteria didn’t move for a moment, but when she did her face clouded over in anger.
“That freaking jerk.”
“Your Piña Colada, ma’am.” Quill held out half a coconut with his magic, and he smiled when her magic took it gently from him. He then simply plopped into the beach chair next to her, and both of them took a moment to admire the distant sunset while it danced across the waves.
“This is nice, isn’t it? I need to do this more often,” Wysteria remarked. “Raven is always on my case to take a vacation.”
“Raven is your sister, right?”
“Twin sister, yes.” Wysteria took a sip from the coconut.
“This is pretty nice,” Quill agreed. “And that bartender is nice to let us have a tab.”
“What did he say his name was? Fish, or Scales, or… oh. What was it?”
“I think he said it was Gil Egan. Or maybe Willy? I’ll have to ask him again.”
“If he is a real pony.”
“He’s real enough for the here and now, I suppose,” Quill shrugged. “He did say we should try out that three hour sightseeing trip that Skipper fellow was offering. Seems he’s the first mate on their charter boat.”
“I don’t know that I trust a boat that has Discord attached to it in any way.” Wysteria sighed deeply. “I’m good right here.”
Quill nodded but said nothing. The tender lapping of the ocean, coupled with the feather soft breeze that quietly danced among the palm branches were the perfect compliment to the velveteen touch of the approaching sunset, and Wysteria sighed a bit to herself as she admired how the blending of the realms of her employers could result in such vibrant reds, elegant indigos, and…
Wysteria smiled. Yellow.
Could she properly blame Baked Bean for the apparent increase of such a sunny color within the visible spectrum? Perhaps, perhaps not. But across all the color there was a… not an intensity, per se, but more a stronger tonal value, maybe.
No, Wysteria realized. It was a youthfulness. Everything she was beholding, from the elegant union of ocean wave and starlight to the blending of harmony and peace via the sophisticated artfulness that transpired when one sister rested and another awoke, spoke to the injection of pure energy that a certain commoner had given not only to his wife, but to those whom she held in love and deep regard as well, including a certain raven-maned secretary.
As for Quillpoint, his eyes were casually beholding something more towards the white end of the color spectrum, and that was all he needed. Sunsets were all fine and dandy, but there was something far better within his line of sight at the moment.
“Why did you finally take me up on that offer for a drink?” he offered once Celestia’s sun had disappeared behind the horizon. Wysteria didn’t reply right away, but her smile did slowly grow as her answer fermented.
“Why do you ask?”
“I know you’re seen other stallions before me, and I’m also pretty sure none of them got past a first date, but you and I apparently have enough of a relationship to fool Discord into thinking we were a couple. So why me?”
“I never said you were not my coltfriend,” Wysteria said with a teasing glance over to him. “But the answer to your question is pretty simple, actually. I asked you out because I liked your tenacity.”
“Thanks, I’ve been working out.” He offered a flex of his foreleg.
“Th-that’s not—”
“I know. You’re just adorable when your flustered.”
She rolled her eyes at him with a snort of amusement. “Keep that up and I’ll punt you into the ocean too. But, since you asked nicely, here’s the reason. I spend my working hours dealing with a never ending stream of ponies whose sole purpose in life seems to be to stall. ‘Oh, Miss Wysteria, I can’t get you that until,’ or ‘Miss Inkwell, I don’t have that because,’ or even simply ‘I know, but.’ You, however, always had a clear and simple offer. Dinner, in the kitchen, at nine, or perhaps a quick drink at The Violet after work. That was attractive, and I liked it. After I saw how happy the Princess was with the Prince, I thought I could try to have a love life, too, and you seemed like a good choice for a starting point.
“Then you were a dummy and ignored me until I exploded in front of my bosses. We’ll not discuss that here,” she held up a hoof to keep him from offering yet another apology for that, “but then you made up for it. That spoke to my heart too. You’re not half bad, really. I’ve dated plenty who just into me for my looks, or because of the power I have, real or perceived. You don’t really seem to care about that, though that request for me to put in a good word for you with Lieutenant Spear Point was a bit concerning.”
“Hey, it never hurts to pad your resume, especially when you’re shooting for sergeant.”
“Right. At any rate, you’re a pretty solid pony, Mister Quillpoint, and I enjoy spending time with you. Maybe this will all fall apart after we get back, but for now I’m happy to be here with you.”
“I do have to admit that if I have to be a castaway, this isn’t a half-bad way to do it, and it’s nice to have you here too. I wouldn’t have expected Discord to be so nice. He usually seems to be more standoffish with ponies in general.”
“At first I thought he was just appearing to be nice in order to stir up more chaos. Then I realized other ponies, Prince Bean included, have been having a positive influence on him, whether he wants to admit it or not, and it is nice to have him as a friend to ponies as opposed to an overlord. The Princess was right about him, it seems.”
“How so?”
“When she sent him off to Ponyville to be reformed by the Elements, she mentioned to me that she could sense some good in him, despite his destructive tendencies. I guess we’re all seeing what she felt now.”
“It would seem so,” he replied. “And for that I am glad. This beats trying to fight off those singing cacti he created when he first broke loose.”
“By a long shot.” She chuckled. “I don’t remember ‘Deal with Draconequus’ in my job description anywhere, so if I have to I’d rather deal with the one that doesn’t steal wings and horns and Elements of Harmony and whatever else he can get ahold of. I’m still missing a set of red heels from when he first was released.”
“Heels, huh? I didn’t take you for that type.”
“I’ll surprise you, if you give me a chance.” Wysteria gave him a playful wink.
“I actually really like that about you. You seem straight-laced and stuffy, but there’s a rather playful Wysteria in there that gets out occasionally.”
“Hey, I’m allowed to cut loose every now and then.” She laughed. “In fact, you know what? Let’s go on that sightseeing trip. If I’m going to take a vacation, I might as well make it an actual vacation.”
“I’ll let the Skipper know. He said there were a few other ponies that wanted to head out as well.”
“We should ask and see if they got banished too. I hope he didn’t abduct ponies just to populate the island.”
“I don’t think he did, but I suppose if he did then we couldn’t do much about it.”
“Miss Wysteria?” a voice called out. A pony clad in a red sweater and bucket hat bumbled up to them, pulled his hat out of his face, and then gave the secretary a bashful grin. “The Professor wanted me to tell you that the breadfruit and mango salad is almost done, and we’re having coconut pie and coconut souffle for dessert. Miss Lovey also wants to know if you and Mister Quillpoint will join her and her husband for dinner.”
“Gil, tell me something,” Wysteria replied. “Your name is Gil, right?”
“Yes, Miss Wysteria.”
“Good. Were you conjured up by Discord, or are you a real pony?”
“Gosh, that’s a silly question,” he laughed. “I’m real, and so’s everypony else.”
“All right. Tell the Professor we’ll be along in a minute.”
Gil nodded before walking away, and Wysteria stood with Quill.
“Well, perhaps there will be a Luau after dinner,” Quill offered. “And that Ginger pony said she had a magic show she would perform too.”
“Maybe.” Wysteria said with half-lidded eyes. “But Discord did say I could have all the Quill time I want, and I think I want s’more.”
“Y-you do?”
“You do have to keep me safe after all, don’t you?” she asked while walking down the beach, swishing her tail behind her. “If I should happen to wander off and get lost …”
“That mare is nuts.” Quill laughed. “But I dig it!”
Wysteria couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt this particular combination of relaxed and content.
Oh, she’d felt one or the other at times, sure. Relaxed typically came after work, with a hot cup of cocoa topped with whipped cream, and contentment always followed after successfully completing whatever task she’d been assigned to by the Princess.
Granted, it came a lot quicker when she got to kick a pretentious noble in the backside, in either a literal or figurative sense, but she liked to consider that as a ‘fringe benefit.’
But this? This was truly magic.
She was curled up with Quill on a blanket on the beach, with quite a few after-dinner and during-luau coconut samples scattered about them and with flushed cheeks as they took turns between sniping quick pecks and lingering upon those delightfully strong and yet smooth-as-silk lips that the good Corporal had been gifted with. This was an entirely different world than the one she was accustomed to, one that was almost the antithesis of everything her life had been. Here, one could kiss a handsome young unicorn without snide comments from other castle staff later, or run her hooves across his strong shoulders without leering glances and whispers that would hush instantly when she rounded a corner in the castle.
That was really the enticing difference she realized, while her inebriated mind thought the matter through. In Canterlot, her whole day was defined in words, written on paper, spoken, shouted, whispered, and yammered around as they invaded her ears and filled her inner soul with technical definition but without sustenance or true meaning. Here, with the strength of Quill surrounding her, she didn’t need to think in words anymore, nor did she want to, and the way Quill’s lips felt against hers kept all of those nasty words at bay. As long as she kept kissing him, he would not use any words either, and as the night went on, they would continue their wordless communication in the way ponies had ever since the first mare and stallion.
It would be wonderful.
~*~
It had been wonderful.
Wysteria groaned slightly as the most unwelcome light of her employer broke over the horizon and she smelled Quill’s breath from where his oversized head was resting on her chest. Words could not describe the stench, but she quickly calculated that her own breath might even be worse, if the lingering taste on her tongue and across her teeth was any indication. She was sticky, stinky, sore, and had sand stuck in places it had no business being, but as much as she wanted to push Quill away and stagger into the water, she just remained in place, listening to him breathe.
Bean suddenly found himself airborne for a moment after Celestia jumped on the bed, and he let out a large ooph when he landed.
“Good, you’re up.” Celestia carelessly tossed the blankets off the bed and nuzzled her husband. “C’mon!”
“Hello to you too,” he muttered with a laugh. “What has you all worked up this morning?”
“There’s so little to do and so much time to do it in!” she proclaimed. “And you promised to make breakfast! I want to see what you concoct. Come!”
Bean tried to make sense of the first part of her statement while he yawned and stretched, but the effort failed and he promptly gave up. He did snicker at her enthusiasm; while he knew she liked his cooking, he didn’t know it was that popular.
“So, have you had one cup or two?”
“Cup?” Celestia repeated while straightening her tiara. “Cup of what?”
“Coffee?”
“Oh!” she tittered. “None today, I don’t need it.”
“Huh,” he offered to that with a grunt. “Maybe you do. Either that, or I’m going to have you help me with breakfast, just to burn off some of that energy.”
“I would be delighted to help you, love,” she replied. Her magic snagged him as he hopped off the Equestria Princess-sized bed, floated him over to her lap, and she happily began brushing his mane while her wings wrapped around him. “Please forgive my enthusiasm. You have, once again, made my night most satisfying, and I slept so well that I feel like I could move five suns and six moons all at once.”
“That good, huh?” he chuckled, and she nipped both of his ears quickly.
“And more. We’re going to set something literally on fire one of these times.”
“And what is the likelihood that the thing that combusts is me?”
“I would never!” she replied, her wings tightening around him so that he was protected from anything that might hurt him. “Nothing shall harm you while I am here, my precious Bean, especially me. Besides, I would like to think I have some control.”
Bean tilted his head back and nipped at her neck. “For the most part you do.”
“I could say the same about you,” she laughed. “Breakfast calls. Come! We shall review the moves I showed you yesterday, shower, and then we shall win over my beloved nephew with your astonishing cooking skills. He won’t know what hit him.”
* * ✹ * *
“So, I figured out what the difference is between regular food and Empire food.”
“Oh, really?” Celestia flipped the hash browns in her frying pan quickly. “What have you determined?”
“Empire food is more concentrated, if that makes any sort of sense. Take these donuts, for example. I haven’t put a thing in here that is unusual, but I actually had to halve the normal amount of sugar I put into these things, lest I smite mine patrons with hyperglycemia. I couldn’t even sniff the stuff without shaking a little. The foods here are super potent.”
“That brings up a question that has been tossed around in scholarly circles,” Celestia remarked with a toss of the crêpes suzette. “What is it about the Crystal Empire that causes that?”
“What do you think?”
Celestia’s wings shrugged. “I have only theories, but the most likely one to me is related to the Crystal Heart. Since there is such a concentration of love here, and it flows from here outward, it seems that it would affect other things as well.”
“Love is supposed to be one of the great mystery ingredients in cooking,” Bean replied. “Mom and Dad always said you could smell a chef who didn’t love his craft from five miles out. You may well be perfectly correct, as well as perfect.”
“It’s a good thing we have the Princess of Love here, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, but then that makes me wonder about a great many things.”
“Like what?”
“How much of it does she control, to start.”
“Very little, actually,” Celestia replied. “She controls love about as much as you do. Her talent is to show ponies were love is, how to find it, and how to share it. That love then fuels the Crystal Heart, and then that spreads from here to Equestria.”
“Is the opposite true? Can we feed back into the Crystal Heart outside of the Empire?”
Celestia offered a curious look of interest with another flip of the hash browns. “I admit I haven’t thought of that. It does make sense that the flow of love could be like a two way street, but I think the strength of it breaks down the further away you get from the source.”
“Like how food smells. Great up close, but indistinguishable at a distance.”
“Right. You should commission a study into the matter. If that is the case, we may be able to power the Heart remotely, and that would be a great boon in an emergency.”
“I can do that kind of thing, can’t I?”
“You can indeed,” she replied with a quick peck on his cheek. “Watch your donuts, they’re done.”
“Whoop! I got it, thank you!” he offered in sing-song.
“Well, I think we’re just about done here,” Celestia replied. “Shall we summon the guests?”
“We should, but remember it’s bad luck to eat with your customers.”
“Why is that?” she asked. Her magic quickly began plating the food, and Bean assisted as he answered.
“Probably no real reason. It’s just a chef thing, kind of like having a lucky horseshoe or something.”
“Let’s risk it for today, and then see what happens. I stand by my commitment from this morning, and if some nasty little bit of bad luck wants to afflict you, I shall drive it away.”
“I bet you would,” he laughed. “Though it would really bite the bark if there was some truth to the statement.”
* * ✹ * *
“So, when will Pinkie Pie be joining us?” Bean asked before scooping up a large bite of his wife’s delicious hash browns.
“I believe she will be here just after breakfast, so she should be on her way now,” Celestia replied. “Part of this afternoon will be dedicated to finalizing plans, so you stallions will have some time together to do whatever.”
“I plan on returning to Canterlot as soon as you are done interrogating me, Aunt Luna,” Blueblood offered. “I’ve been away for far too long, and there is much work I need to catch up on.”
“You’re not going anywhere.” Luna’s voice was icier than a windigo’s sneeze. “To send the train to Canterlot and back again is a waste of resources, and I’ll have none of it. You’ll return with the rest of us.”
Blueblood’s response was nothing more than a nod, and Bean could see the discontent on his face.
“Is the Empire really so disagreeable, dear cousin?” Cadence asked. “Auntie Celestia and Uncle Bean are busier than all of us, and yet they’re staying for a full day.”
“The Crystal Empire is fine,” Blueblood replied evenly, “but I see no reason to stay here when my talents would be of greater use in the engagement of other endeavors. I understand the desire to show Prince Bean ‘the sights’ and to acclimate him to the whole of his newfound kingdom, but I have already familiarized myself with the essentials of this area. Unless there is something of vital importance that I have not been made aware of, I fail to comprehend how what will be shared today will be of use.”
“You know everything that the Empire holds?” Celestia asked. “That is most impressive. I find something new every time I come here, and yet you have unlocked every secret in so few visits.”
“Don’t twist my words, dear Aunt,” Blueblood replied. “I said I know the essentials. I see little need to become familiar with more trivial matters.”
“How many ponies currently reside in the Empire?” Celestia bit into a donut.
“Do you wish to include the ponies out in the rural areas and those working the farms, or just ponies within the boundaries of the Empire proper?”
“However you want to count it.”
“I couldn’t say precisely without a census, but…”
“Fine, fine.” Celestia waved a hoof at him. “You don’t know, and that’s understandable. Here’s the real question: of those ponies who do live here, which one of them is non-essential?”
“Obviously none of them. All are important and vital to Equestria.”
“So, you know every single pony that lives within the Empire then?” Celestia concluded. “You did just say you were familiar with all of the essentials and that all ponies are essential.”
“My dear Aunt, one day you will quit playing games with what I say.” Blueblood sniffed. “I quite obviously meant the major features and landmarks of the Empire, not the inhabitants.”
“Really? I do believe the residents are just as important as the Crystal Heart, for example. It is their love that powers it, after all.”
“And I have suddenly remembered why I left Canterlot in the first place.” Blueblood shook his head in disappointed amazement. “There is just no end to the way you can manipulate a phrase, is there? You’d have me believe Prince Bean is blue simply because I remarked it was a nice day.”
“Don’t be silly. I only point out what is truth,” Celestia replied. “And I see no reason why a Prince or a Princess should remain aloof from their subjects. We are here for them, after all.”
“As am I, dear Aunt. As am I.”
“Good.” Celestia took another bite of her donut. “Tell me, what do you think of breakfast?”
“It is barely acceptable. The hash browns are somewhat burnt, and the crêpes are rather bland and uninspiring. I’m a bit surprised, because usually Chef Amberlocks provides a exquisite offering. She seems to be aiming for mediocrity today.”
“That would be, but only if she had cooked the meal.”
“Ah, yes.” Blueblood leaned back in his chair. “This meal was prepared by the Chef Prince, was it not? Forgive my unflattering assessment of your skill, but it is the truth.”
There was a sudden reduction of oxygen in the room as three princesses and a prince inhaled to protest, but Bean beat them all to the first word, and with a chuckle to lead off.
“Well, you can’t win ‘em all.”
“Quite,” Blueblood replied. “May I humbly suggest that you allow properly trained and qualified ponies to handle meal preparations in the future?”
“I’m sure I’ll have to since the Princess and I are usually too busy in the mornings to allow me the time.”
“Perhaps you should show him how you make your pancakes, Aunt Celestia?” Blueblood suggested over the top of his teacup. “I’m sure you could give the Prince a few food pointers and help out his methodology.”
* * ✹ * *
“I love my nephew. I love my nephew. I love my nephew…”
“Forgive my impetuousness, but that’s not much of a mantra, love.” Bean wrinkled up his nose and gave it a wriggle, which had the desired stress-relieving effect.
“Don’t you give me that,” Celestia replied with a giggling nuzzle for him. “It’s not a mantra. It’s a reminder.”
“Might be easier to tie a string around your hoof. Less talking at the least.”
“If I do that then I’d be a walking ball of yarn.”
“Oh! Mee-yow!” Bean offered with a swat of his hoof in her direction, and then both of them broke down into a shared giggling fit.
“Why did you take the blame for breakfast?” Celestia then asked. “His criticism should have been directed at me.”
“That would be an unspoken rule of chefdom: what is cooked by one is cooked by all. A customer or a food critic doesn’t say ‘oh, the part of the dish by Chef Bean was excellent, but I found the portion that was prepared by Chef Beet was lacking in flavor,’ it’s always the establishment as a whole: ‘the Zuerst prepared a most excellent dish of chips,’ or whatever. So if one chef does well, then all the chefs did well, and visa versa. Besides, I’m used to taking the heat for a badly cooked meal. You may remember that I may be a decent cook but I’m a lousy chef. Anytime a customer complained about one of my messed-up meals, I had to go out and try to explain what had happened. Blueblood’s criticism was small beans compared to what I have dealt with.”
“Still, you should have told him I made the hash browns.” Celestia pouted. “You may remember I hate not taking responsibility for my actions, be they large or small.”
“Next time then,” he offered with a kiss. He then put his hooves around her neck and smiled as he gazed into her eyes. “So what is on the agenda now?”
“Kissing and snuggling, if you keep this up,” Celestia cooed. “Officially, we are to meet with Shining and Cadence to begin our tour of the Empire now. Pinkie Pie is most likely with them, and I am fairly certain she will accompany us as well. You will be introduced to the crystal ponies by Princess Cadence, and then there will be time for you to go get lost in the crowd and to meet as many ponies as you can.”
“I bet I give the sergeants a fit whenever I do that.”
“They’re getting used to it, and they planned ahead for it this time,” Celestia replied. “They have secured the area, so it won’t be a problem for you to just wander around. I believe we will then take the tour proper, where we will be shown the major landmarks of the Empire, and that will conclude with a visit to the Crystal Heart.”
“Is it really as impressive as everypony makes it out to be?”
“It is,” Celestia replied with a peck for him. “I think you will quite enjoy both it and the day.”
“If I’m with you, I would be happy staring at drying paint.”
“You would?”
“Yeah. You’d get bored, make it dry, and then we could go do something fun,” he laughed.
“I probably would!” she laughed with him. “C’mon, let’s get going. There’s a lot to see, and I know the locals are really looking forward to meeting you.”
~*~
Bean took in a deep breath of the crystal air about him, and he offered the most genuine smile he could muster while he walked out onto the balcony and into the bright sunlight with his beloved and the rest of the entourage. A sizeable crowd was assembled below, and the technicolor blending of their coats and manes was a sight he would never forget, even if he tried to. Celestia waved to a few ponies as she exited with him, as did Shining; and Cadence moved out a few steps in front of the group with her wings held high in pride.
“Citizens of the Crystal Empire!” she shouted. “Good morning, and happy Wednesday!”
Bean’s smile grew as the gleeful cheer reverberated in his ears and off the walls. He could almost swear he could smell the love the crystal ponies were emanating at that moment.
“Today, my dear friends, we are most pleased to have the opportunity to introduce you to the newest member of our family, and to your new prince. I’m sure all of you know the circumstances behind Princess Celestia’s marriage to Baked Bean, and I can say without a sliver of hesitation that these two are headlong in love. Prince Bean is a most kind, curious, and thoughtful stallion, and he has held nothing but respect and adoration for all the ponies he has met. My own personal introduction and interactions with him tell me he is a pony of the highest quality, just like all of you!”
Another cheer erupted, and Bean tried to make mental notes of what Cadence was saying for future use. She really had a way with words.
“Prince Bean?” Cadence turned slightly and offered a hoof to him, and Bean walked up to be beside her. While he had not been warned this would happen, he had expected it, and he had determined to follow the advice he had been given before:
To speak from the heart.
A hoof went to his Celestial Crystal, and then his smile grew to outlandish proportions.
“My friends, thank you!” Bean called out, and he was a bit surprised at how good the acoustics were. “It is I who is honored and humbled to be with you here today. I have heard nothing but the finest reports from all ponies who have told me about you and your most exquisite kingdom, and even that has not fully and adequately portrayed the love and harmony that I feel here now with you.
“I can see it in your eyes, my friends. This is a proud empire, a strong empire. This is a herd that has stood up to the darkest of overlords and then boldly proclaimed ‘no more! We are the Crystal Ponies, and we will never again be shackled to the evils that you would plague us with!’”
That drew a large cheer and applause out of the crowd. Bean nodded while looking over the crowd, and when they had settled down again he resumed.
“The ponies I see before me today are the types of ponies I hope to be: strong-willed, courageous, kind, and loyal. I could apply all of the traits of the Elements of Harmony to you, and many more besides! I am the commoner here, my friends, and you are the true nobles!”
Another cheer, and this was even louder than before. Bean could get used to public speaking if it always went like this.
“Now, as Princess Cadence mentioned, I’m sure you all know about how my nose managed to get me married to, who I believe, is the most wonderous mare in Equestria,” he offered with a light laugh. “While Celestia is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, the opportunity to be among and to learn from ponies like yourselves is a marvel, a wonder, and a great boon as well. While I do not yet possess the sophistication, grace, or elegance that your fair rulers already have, I can promise you that I hope to achieve that one day. It may take five hundred moons, but I will try. But know this: I have learned much from you already simply from reading and studying your history. With your stalwart example to guide me, and with the luminous guidance of our Princesses to teach me, I’m sure to at least be a half-baked noble at some point in my life. With you, and beside you, I wish to make the Crystal Empire—and Equestria as a whole—the envy of the whole world. I pledge to you that I will do all in my power to ennoble you, to enable you, and to uplift you. In the end, it is my most sincere hope that we will rise together, as one, under the banner of Equestria and the banner of the Crystal Empire!”
The roar of approval that slammed into Baked Bean nearly swept him off his hooves while simultaneously making him deaf, and he loved it.
“Not bad!” Shining offered in a shout from his side, and with a matching smile. “You’ve got a gift for working the crowd! C’mon, let’s get you down there!”
~*~
It only took a minute to move through the interior of the castle and down to street level. Another large cheer erupted when the doors flew open and Bean nearly flew out through them in his eagerness to make new friends. The first pony to greet him—a nice turquoise stallion who held a peach-cream colored foal in his magic—was met with a hearty hoofbump, a quick hug, and a deep smile. Bean took a moment to find out his name was Crystal Hoof, and he thanked him for being there to welcome him into the Empire.
This was then repeated dozens of times. Bean tried desperately to reach as many ponies as he could, to touch their hooves and to share a word or two when he could. He tried very hard to take an extra moment to go down to the eye-level of any fillies or colts that he met, learn their name, and then to ask them what they liked and how things were going for them in their lives. He wanted to connect with them, to hear them: they were the future of the Empire, after all. If a few words and a smile could help motivate them to overachieve in life, it would well be worth the time he was investing now. There were grand dividends that could be reaped, provided he did everything he could here and now.
He was most confused, but yet pleasantly surprised, when he almost literally ran into a familiar pair of blue eyes in the crowd.
“Pinkie Pie!” he cheered.
“Bean!” Pinkie replied with a manic grin, and the two of them shared a quick hug and hoofbump. “You are rockin’ this! I had to wait in line just to get off the train; there’s so many ponies who want to meet you!”
“I’m glad you made it! How was the trip?”
“It was peachy-keen! I’m two and five-eighths steps closer to that elusive cherrychanga now, plus I was able to figure out the grand unification theory! It’s amazing how inspiring trains are!”
“It sounds like it!”
“Well, what are you talking to me for?!” Pinkie shoved him towards another pony. “You’ve met me already. Go say hi! We’ll talk later!”
She simply bounced away after that, and Bean chuckled quickly before seeing he had been pushed towards a rather nervous looking filly and her mother. With a gentle smile, he went down on his belly and attempted to look the pale green pegasus in the eye. She turned her head away, however, and a small whimper escaped as her wings moved to try and cover her face.
“Oh, Emerald!” her mother chided. “Forgive her, Prince Bean. She’s usually not this shy.”
“It’s all right, I don’t mind,” he replied up to her with a quick wink and then turned back to Emerald. “Hey, what’s up? You ok?”
“Mm-hmm,” she mumbled.
“I’m Baked Bean. It’s nice to meet you, Emerald,” he offered a hoof to bump. “I apologize for being so yellow. I’m afraid I can’t help it.”
“I don’t mind,” Emerald said softly, and a brown eye peered out from between the feathers. “Is your name really Baked Bean?”
“Bit silly, isn’t it?” he offered a tiny laugh. “I’ll let you in on a secret, but don’t tell anypony, ok?”
“Ok?”
“Princess Celestia’s favorite color is yellow, so I dye my coat to make her happy.”
“You do not,” Emerald protested, and her wings slowly retreated.
“Don’t like that one? How about this: I ate too many bananas as a colt. It changed my fur, and I smell like one now too.”
“Nuh-uh!” Emerald giggled lightly.
“No still. Hmm. What if I said I was really a sunflower, and Princess Celestia picked me out of all the others ‘cause of how yellow I was. I still pull seeds out of my mane sometimes.”
“You’re a horrible liar, Your Highness.” Emerald giggled.
“I am, never could tell a good lie. Here’s a true statement, though. I am very pleased to meet you. I bet you’re a straight A student in school.”
“Well,” she stammered, “I do have one B. But math is hard!”
“Tell me about it!” Bean let out a knowing groan. “The worst part is when they stick the alphabet in it.”
“They do?!” Emerald gasped in shock.
“Yeah! Horrible, isn’t it? X, Y, and Z mostly, but there’s times when it looks like someone spilled alphabet soup on your math homework! They really should have a law against such things.”
“Yeah, you should totally write one! No letters in math!”
“Soon as I can I’ll whip something up, but the only problem is the Princess has to sign off on this, too. Think she’ll let me do it?”
“Give her a big kiss and she will,” Emerald stated knowingly and with a huge grin. “That’s what dad does anytime he wants something from mom. Like, the other day, he wanted to go bowling, but mom was like ‘you need to clean out the garage first,’ and then he gave her this huuuuge smooch, and then she got all wobbly in the legs and said ‘ok, but you’re going to have to do better than that when you get home!’”
“That sounds like a winning strategy,” Bean gave a wink to Emerald’s mom, who looked embarrassed but still amused. “I’ll give the Princess a ginormous smooch and hopefully it’ll work. Hoof bump for good luck?”
Emerald smacked his hoof, and Bean let out a small yelp of pain as he sat up and shook the injured appendage. “Yow! You’ve got some power! Do you work out?”
“No, but maybe you need to!” she giggled.
“I know it!” he laughed. “Soon as I can I’ll get on that. Maybe I should start with horseshoes, that seems to be about what I can handle.”
Emerald giggled again, and Bean gave her mane a quick ruffle before standing.
“Missus Emerald’s Mom, you have a fine young daughter here,” he offered. “She is clearly a product of excellent parenting, and I commend you for you skill. Think you could give me some pointers?”
“I could, if you really would like some,” she giggled. “Thank you so much, Your Highness. This really means a lot to us.”
“My pleasure, entirely.”
* * ✹ * *
“You know, I really need to watch my assumptions,” Bean remarked.
“How so?” Shining asked.
“I’m in the Crystal Empire, so naturally that means anything and everything related to it is crystal; but yet here we are, wrapping up a tour of a factory that produces sofas and quills. I should have realized you would expand your industries.”
“It hasn’t been easy,” Shining admitted. “Sombra’s economy consisted of foundries and mines; it wasn’t very diverse. Celestia has been wonderful about sending technical experts to get us up to speed here. Honestly, we just need to increase production capacity, and then the Empire’s gross domestic product will skyrocket.”
“Not an easy task, I’m sure,” Bean added. “Just the infrastructure alone has got to take a figurative and literal ton of horsepower to get up and running.”
“Right now we’re working on extending our capacity to get goods to market. It can take upwards of three weeks to ship something by wagon, but if we can increase our rail network we could cut that to days, and maybe even hours. It would also make it a lot easier to get the raw materials we need here.”
“Imports and exports are always a hassle,” Celestia remarked from behind them. “But I know the Baltimare and Ohayo Railroad is conducting railbed surveys, Numnah Southern is in the process of regulatory approval, and for some odd reason the Denspur and Roan Grande is trying to find a way to build through the Northern Mountains, not around them like the others. But as they come others will follow as well, and I am confident that we will soon see a huge boom of Crystal Empire products across all of Equestria.”
“I hope so. I bet that would bring a lot of new jobs and wage increases in the private sector,” Bean added, “plus the tourism would be a boon, too.”
“I would love to have more ponies visit,” Cadence replied to this. “But we should get back to the palace. It’s almost time for the thing.”
“What thing?” Bean asked, but he received naught but smug, knowing smiles in return. “Oh, c’mon! I don’t like conspiracies against my royal self!”
“You’ll like this, my love,” Celestia offered. “It is a good surprise.”
“Well, okay,” he muttered. “But I believe that only because you say so.”
He slowed his pace just enough for her to come up alongside of him, and he smiled deeply as her wing draped over him and nipped one of his ears.
“How do you think Wysteria is handling her ‘vacation?’” Shining asked while they exited the factory.
“I believe she is having an enjoyable time,” Celestia replied. “Otherwise she would have returned by now. I believe she will find that Discord was right, and that she really did need to relax. I know she’s been pulling her mane out in her efforts to get the wedding party and our honeymoon organized, but I think Cadence, Pinkie Pie, and myself can handle many of the details, and her workload should be greatly diminished when she does return.”
“Do we know when she’s coming back?” Bean asked.
“She indicated in her letter it was a three day vacation, so most likely tomorrow. If I don’t hear from her I’ll send a letter to see if she decided to extend it or if Discord forced her to.”
“I don’t think he would,” Bean offered. “If he said three days, it’ll be three days. For all of his chaos, he comes across as pretty reliable to me.”
“I would still be cautious,” Shining replied. “We are talking about the being who ruled over Equestria with unrest and unhappiness, and who nearly corrupted all of the Element Bearers.”
Was there a note of pride in the voice of Twilight’s brother? Bean wasn’t sure, but the way the edges of Shining’s mouth slowly migrated upwards seemed to confirm it.
“I’ll keep that in mind, but I’m sure he won’t try anything,” Bean remarked. “At the very least, he’d have to answer to Fluttershy.”
“Yeah!” Pinkie Pie blurted while bounding past. “And Fluttershy would be super disappointed if he did! It would be like when Twilight confronted Applejack about her baked bads, which we will never speak of again.”
“When did you get here, Pinkie?” Bean asked.
“Oh, about ten seconds ago.”
“But… how? Never mind.”
“So, are you as super excited for your surprise as I am?” Pinkie asked with an amount of glee that had to be illegal. “I can’t tell you what it is, of course; ‘cause that would ruin the surprise and there’s nothing worse than a ruined surprise, but when Princess Celestia wrote to me and said what the surprise was I went ‘gasp!’ and I knew it would be such a super-awesome surprise that I had to be there, even though I was already invited to be here to help plan the wedding party; but then I was all like ‘does Baked Bean have any thoughts on what he wants at the party,’ ‘cause it’s your wedding too, and I know I would feel horrible if I wasn’t included in the plans for a party that included me, ‘cause that kinda-sorta happened once…”
“She does need to breathe at some point, right?” Bean asked while Pinkie proceeded with her spiel.
“I think we clocked her at five minutes once.” Cadence chuckled.
~*~
“Is this the surprise?” Bean asked with a laugh.
“It’s part of it,” Celestia replied.
Bean went into a quick trot for a moment, but then smiled as he found himself in the midst of hugs and hoofbumps from all of the Elements of Harmony. He really should have seen it coming, but he had to admit that it was nice to see all of his new friends again.
He always did like making new friends.
“What are you all doing here?” he asked once all the greetings had been offered.
“Duh!” Rainbow Dash got the answer out first. “We’re here to help plan your wedding!”
“But I already am married,” he countered.
Rainbow scoffed. “Yeah, technically. But c’mon, you gotta let everypony else be part of it!”
“You’ve got me there,” he laughed.
“I invited all of the Elements here with Pinkie Pie,” Celestia commented with a smile. “I don’t think I could have a wedding party without all of them as my bridesmaids. Thank you all for coming, I appreciate you taking the time to help me and Prince Bean with our plans.”
“But of course, Darling!” Rarity spoke for the whole group. “Now, let’s get to work, shall we?”
“One thing first,” Celestia replied with a sly smile. “I believe Princess Cadence and Prince Shining Armor had something else they wished to show Prince Bean.”
“Oh, yeah! The Crystal Heart!” Bean exclaimed in understanding. “Is that it?”
“Indeed, but I think we can kick it up a notch,” Cadence replied. “My Prince, have you ever wondered how the crystal ponies gain their unique crystalline coats?”
“I have not, but now I’m dying to know.”
“Every year we hold a Crystal Faire to renew the spirit of love and harmony in the Empire, and this in turn helps them to protect the Empire from harm. The process of renewing the Heart sends out a magical wave that gives everypony the distinctive crystal appearance.
“But I propose that the love and harmony that now exists between you and Princess Celestia is worthy of celebration as well, and so I, along with all of the citizens of the Crystal Empire, would like you to join with us in a special renewal of the Heart at this time. Would you be willing to join us in this ceremony?”
“Your Highnesses, I would deeply honored to join with you in such a ceremony,” Bean replied with a deep bow to both her and Shining Armor. “Please, show me the way.”
~*~
Bean’s smile couldn’t be any larger if he had tried.
When Cadence had said that every citizen of the Crystal Empire wished to join in with the Renewal, she meant every citizen. They stood as a pleased crowd now, with a main walkway to the Heart clear for the new royal, but as he passed them they would fill in the space behind him. Once at the Heart—which Bean found to be phenomenal—he was instructed to stand just to the right of it, and Celestia just to the left. There were only a few inches between them, and Bean felt tears beginning to tickle the corners of his eyes as he once again became lost in those deeply charming and perpetually loving pools of magenta that only became more enrapturing with each view. Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy took up positions to the side of Bean; Rainbow Dash, Twilight, and Pinkie Pie to Celestia’s side, and once they were all ready, each of the Elements took a knee before the Prince and Princess.
“Citizens of the Crystal Empire!” Cadence shouted. “Prince Baked Bean, and Princess Celestia! May their love for each other remain as strong as our love for them!”
Both Bean and Celestia leaned slightly forward to boop noses, and the Crystal Empire smiled and knelt before them as one. Blue pools of light formed underneath each pony as they did so, and those pools quickly merged with each other and became rivers of love that flowed both outward throughout all of the Empire and inward towards the Heart. Bean was vaguely aware that the Crystal Heart had begun to spin rapidly, but he was far more interested in the surge of delight that was now spreading from Celestia’s nose upon his own and down through his coat.
It wasn’t until after they had pulled away from each other and heard Rarity giggling and squealing slightly in joy that Bean realized something was different. Celestia had now taken on a very crystalline hue, and he was a bit surprised her regalia had been affected as well. She gave him a quick wink before he took a look at his foreleg, and then back over himself, and he was interested to see the changes his own appearance had taken on.
“So, what do you think?” he asked after a moment.
“Wow,” Celestia offered with a laugh, and the crowd broke out into a huge cheer as the two shared a passionate kiss.
* * ✹ * *
“You did good with the crowd today, my love.” Celestia settled into the bed, and smiled when her Bean moved under her wing.
“Thanks. I was just trying to do what I would want if I were them, especially the little fillies and colts. I would have blown away to even have a royal wave at me, so I hope that my talking with them and joking around leaves an indelible memory they can enjoy telling to their grandfoals.”
“I do believe it will.”
“So, how long will this crystal coat last?” Bean asked with a glance over his foreleg again.
“I believe the effect will wear off shortly after we leave the Empire tomorrow,” Celestia replied with a quick nuzzle for the precious delight that she held close. “We would retain this appearance for longer if we were to stay, however.”
“Do you like this look?”
“It is a nice, but I would not want you to remain this way. I fell in love with the plain and regular Bean, and it is the plain and regular Bean that I desire.”
Bean hummed a note of happiness to that. “Plain and regular you shall have, then. Hopefully it doesn’t become a disappointment later.”
“I doubt that it ever could,” she said softly to him with a kiss. “What did you and Shining Armor do while I was busy?”
“Let’s see. There was the bowling alley, and the mini-golf, and the archery range—”
“How did that go?”
“Oh, I’m a natural,” he replied with pride. “As in I naturally kept drawing the bow back too far and smacking myself in the cheek, and I naturally couldn’t hit the target, but somehow I could hit anything five feet of to the side of it.”
“Do you need me to kiss your cheek better?”
“Please?” Bean asked, and he giggled a bit when she both kissed and nuzzled the afflicted part. “Oh, but that was the wrong cheek! It was my right one.”
“What?” she feigned surprise and horror. “Oh my goodness! Here, here.”
Bean then found himself under an unrelenting barrage of kisses that alternated between left and right, and he loved it.
“There! Better?”
“Much,” he replied with a return kiss to her cheek now. “How did the planning go?”
“I believe we actually have everything finalized, and things are moving forward wonderfully. Wysteria should have very little work to do when she returns; most of what needs to be done is being handled by Cadence and Pinkie, with assistance from the other girls as well.”
“Good. I’m looking forward to it, you know. I bet it’s going to be a party like never before.”
“That is the idea,” Celestia giggled. “But I am a little concerned that we are leaving you out of this. It is supposed to be our wedding party, after all.”
“Don’t worry about that, my love. What I wanted to have happen has already been included, so I am content.”
“What did you want?”
“You.”
“Well, aren’t you easy to please?” she scoffed, and Bean gasped.
“What?! You said the word!” He put a hoof in front of him in faux alarm. “Who are you, and what have you done with my Celly?! She would never use such a horrible word!”
She nuzzled him with a laugh. “It’s still not my favorite word, but perhaps I am being a bit too uptight about that. A good marriage has compromises in it, Luna tells me, so I believe I can tolerate the use of aren’t, but only if it is used properly.”
“And your feelings on ain’t?”
“One thing at a time, my love,” she replied. “Really, though. Is there something you would like to have at our wedding? I want you to have what you want, too.”
“I want family to be there,” he offered, “and they have already been invited and will be there. I want friends to partake of our joy, and that will happen too. I want good food, which Chef Beet will cover most excellently, and I want lots of happiness, which is guaranteed with Pinkie Pie as part of the planning. Really, I am happy with what will be, even if I don’t know all the details. If there is something else, I will let you know.”
“You had better,” she replied with a stern look. “Please don’t ever hold back from me, dear Bean. Don’t acquiesce just for the sake of my perceived happiness. Always tell me your thoughts, your innermost desires. Share your dreams and hopes with me, tell me of your plans and musings. Leave everything open for me, and I will do the same for you.”
“I will, for now and for always, my love,” Bean replied with a soft and delicate kiss. “So, since you mention that, I do have one proposal for you.”
“You do?”
“A most important one, yes. Have you ever considered the utter perturbation of mathematics that occured when the alphabet was introduced into it? I have heard from several two ponies that such a thing must corrected immediately.”
Celestia paused for a moment in a clear effort to keep from chortling out loud. “You mean you wish to outlaw, somehow, the basic mathematical principle of algebraic equations?”
“Now, don’t be too hasty in your rejection of the notion,” Bean offered with a teasing grin. “Let me lay out the case against it before you…”
Baked Bean yawned deeply, shook his head to try to clear the cobwebs of sleep, and smacked his lips while forcing his eyes open. He had thought that he could handle an early morning, but it seemed his body did not appreciate being awoken four hours before dawn for the march down to the red-eye train back to Canterlot.
The plan to return home had seemed innocuous enough last night, especially when he had seen the length of the to-do list for the wedding. Twilight had been the one who suggested leaving early to get a head start on the items, with a poorly concealed look of delight at the prospect of having a checklist to complete. Assignments had been divvied out before everypony had retired for the evening, and Luna was profuse in her assurances that she would wake them all in time.
She was a cruel, cruel alarm clock.
He had awoken with his hoof in a bucket of warm water and an intense urge to use the little colt’s room, leaving Luna to cackle with delight while he had made a mad dash to the crystal throne that was adjacent to the guest chambers. Celestia had been awoken by his sudden departure and his frantic scrambling across a crystal floor that made his hoof falls sound like a berserk tap dancer in the middle of a chineigh shop, and then Luna had playfully bounded away to awaken Shining, Cadence, Blueblood, and the Elements in her own lunar way.
Bean didn’t know what she had done, nor did he want to; but he had a strong suspicion part of it involved fabric, if the anguished cry of “not the Taffeta!” from Rarity was any hint.
Now that he had finished his business in the lavatory, Bean stumbled back out into the room and into Celestia’s magic. He smiled a bit while she levitated him up to drape limply over her back, and he hugged her neck gently as she walked into the hallway.
“I say we get a real, clock-with-bells style alarm clock next time,” Bean offered while his beloved yawned.
“I second the motion.”
“Where are we going?” Bean glanced around the unfamiliar hallway.
“I need to show you something before Blueblood wakes up,” she replied through another yawn. “But I need you to promise to never tell any living creature about this.”
“Certainly. I take it this is something that’s pretty important.”
“It is. The only ponies who know about this are Shining and Cadence, Luna, myself, and the Elements.”
Neither of them said anything more until Celestia stopped in front of a door that looked like it led into a storage closet. Celestia’s magic twisted the knob, and the door swung open to reveal…
“Brooms?” Bean asked. “Are they important brooms for some reason?”
“Oh!” Celestia muttered in annoyance. The door quickly shut again, and this time Celestia applied a surge of magic to the surface before opening it again.
Bean glanced around in the new room, which still looked much like a storage closet, as Celestia carefully shut the door behind them and moved towards a large object that was covered by a sheet. “Is that the secret?”
Celestia’s magic gently put Bean on the floor before pulling the sheet down and away. There was a brief pause while Bean looked over the intricate mirror, but then he glanced back to his wife with a confused expression.
“This is no ordinary mirror, my love.” Celestia put a hoof on the surface. “It is a gateway, or a portal if you like.”
“Really? Where does it lead to?”
“It leads to a different dimension, filled with creatures that are quite a bit different than you or I. They call themselves humans.”
“You-muns.” Bean tasted the word.
“Yes. A former student of mine used this portal to escape when she grew bitter and angry over her progress under my tutelage.”
Celestia then gave Bean a quick history of one Sunset Shimmer, her theft of the Element of Magic, Twilight’s travel to the human world to recover it, along with a quick note that three sirens had been banished to this world by Starswirl the Bearded and the Pillars of Equestria. Bean took all of this in with subdued interest and asked no questions until she had finished her explanations.
“And this thing only opens up once every thirty moons?” he asked in clarification.
“Yes. So for now, we do not need to worry, but when it is open we will need to be extra vigilant and guard it, just in case those sirens figure out how to use it.”
“And?” Bean asked. There had to be more, because he could see she wanted to tell him something else.
“And when it opens again, I hope my former student comes back,” she offered, while Bean put a hoof on the reflective surface. “I have even entertained the notion of going through the portal myself. I wish to make amends with her, and I want her to know that she is always welcome back in Canterlot, or anywhere in Equestria. From what Twilight has told me, I believe she has established a new life there, and I doubt she would want to leave it, but I still feel that I have failed her. Perhaps if I had just given her a bit more praise here and there, and not been so stern. I worry I was needlessly coarse with her, or that perhaps there was some other unknown issue that I did not resolve.”
“How’s that phrase go? Hindsight is always twenty-twenty?”
“You have no idea how true that is,” she offered in sadness.
“I maintain what I have said before: you did the best you could, and you did not intentionally sabotage her. She made the choice to rebel against you.”
“The sting of that rebellion still remains,” Celestia softly said, with a long and distant gaze. She then sniffed her sadness away, smiled as her magic snagged her husband, and she playfully booped his nose before placing him on her back again. “I will give you a more detailed history of the portal, the sirens, and my student when we get back to Canterlot. For now, we should join the others, and possibly save them from the pranks of my sister.”
~*~
Once everypony was in an upright position and awake enough to coax movement out of their hooves, Luna had far-too-cheerfully cajoled them down to the train station with an infuriating mix of statements such as: “What a delightfully beautiful night sky there is this evening, I am so pleased you are all able to witness it!” and “Isn’t this the most wonderful time to begin working on the many projects one has to complete?”
But now they were making the final steps towards the train, and everypony seemed pleased that they would again be able to slumber, if only for a short time. Bean did notice that the train was longer than before, as far as he could tell, and he glanced up and down the length of it while his sleep-deprived brain tried to figure out who or what had stretched out their ride.
“The dining car is open now and will remain so for the duration of our trip,” Luna announced, “so you may procure food and beverages at your leisure. The sleeper cars are there, and our private car is there, Celly. Blueblood, you will need to ride in the baggage car with Bean and Shining. It seems there was not enough time to procure a place for you stallions.”
“What?!” the now instantly awake Blueblood barked. “I utterly refuse to—”
“Oh, relax,” Luna cut his rant short with a scoff. “Do you really believe Cadence would leave Shining, or that Celestia would leave Bean? The first sleeper car is for you, the second is for the Elements.”
“Good,” Blueblood groused with a sour glare for his Aunt. “If you’ll excuse me.”
Luna watched alongside Celestia and Bean while Blueblood walked away, and as he entered the car she leaned over towards them.
“Do you think he will appreciate that mouse trap I put on his pillow?”
“He may never speak to you again,” Celestia offered.
“Worth it,” Luna announced after a moment of thought.
“Well, my dear Bean, shall we retire?”
“We can, but I don’t think I’ll be going back to sleep anytime soon,” Bean remarked.
“Why don’t we get something to snack on,” Celestia offered. “Then we can discuss what Luna learned from Blueblood.”
“Huh!” Luna snorted. “That will take all of five minutes.”
“Really?”
“His story remained the same,” Luna replied with irritation dancing on her words, while the three boarded the dining car. “The Yaks expelled him for unknown reasons, shut their borders, and are now refusing to talk to any envoy from Equestria.”
“But, surely there is a reason for their sudden dismissal.” Celestia shook her head. “It’s extremely hard to believe that they would simply cut us off like that.”
“I agree,” Bean offered. “You said yourself they were cooperating, as much as Yaks cooperate. Why the complete turn around? There’s got to be some underlying reason.”
“It remains a mystery for now,” Luna sighed while they all sat before the counter in the car. A unicorn with a chocolate mane and a pleasant smile waited patiently, and once they were settled in and comfortable, he simply asked what they would like.
“One medium caramel frappuccino in a large cup with an extra pump of frap roast, double shot affogato, and caramel drizzle, if you please Mister Roast,” Luna succinctly stated.
“I didn’t know you were a coffee drinker,” Bean remarked.
“I will indulge in a caffeinated treat every now and then, but usually it is more then than now,” she replied. “I do not wish to become addicted.”
“Coffee. Black.” Celestia proclaimed it as if it would be the newest law of the land.
Bean gave his wife an amused look. “Black? Really?”
“Sugar and creamers are for the weak.” She sniffed.
“Oh really?” Luna glowered, but then Celestia smiled.
“No, not really. You remember Father always used to take his black?”
“I do,” Luna replied with an instant flip to happiness. “It drove Mother absolutely crazy, too. He always said he wanted to taste the beverage, not the added sweeteners. ‘If I want sweet I’ll ask for a sugar cane,’ the crazy fool.”
“Yes, but thanks to that, my perception of proper coffee preparation has been forever skewed. It just doesn’t taste right with anything else in it. What about you, my love?”
“Oh, just water for me. You don’t want me to have any caffeine; it won’t end well.”
“What will happen?” Luna asked with a bit too much eagerness in her voice, and Bean rolled his eyes at the display.
“Do you want to peel me off the ceiling? Or perhaps you feel like running two marathons back-to-back? The stuff over stimulates me like mad. The last time I had a cup—and it was just one cup—I didn’t sleep for thirty-three hours. I went on some sort of bizarre cooking binge, but nothing I created was edible. It wasn’t pretty.”
“Oh, come now,” Luna scoffed. “I can believe the not sleeping part, but I doubt your parents would allow you to waste that much food.”
Bean gave her a flat look. “I’m telling you, it was horrible; beyond my usual bad screw-ups, by a long shot.”
“Wait, ‘it’?” Celestia asked. “Did you only create one dish in that time?”
“Eeyup,” he said with a deep nod.
“What was it?”
“You don’t want to know.”
“Please?”
Bean clamped his mouth shut, and he folded his arms tightly. He groaned and his lips quivered when Celestia batted her eyelashes at him, and he inwardly bemoaned his inability to resist that seductively inquisitive look that his wife was calling out with.
“Dah! Alright!” It only took a moment for him to break. “If you really must know. But don’t ever tell anypony else!”
“I won’t, love.”
“I meant Luna.”
“Mister Bean!” Luna gasped in disappointed shock. “Do you really believe I am capable of such an act?”
“You stuck my hoof in warm water,” he pointed out, “and you told me Star Struck had to put up with your snoring for fifteen years, and you slammed me up against a wall, and—”
“You should really have more faith in me, Mister Bean,” Luna said with a smile. “Fine. Not a word out of me either.”
“I made cod cakes.”
The unicorn behind the counter let out a deep gasp of horror, and the coffee cup he had been holding in his magic fell and shattered with a sharp snap. Luna recoiled backwards slightly, and Celestia’s face took on look of serious concern.
“I… I see.” Luna was the first to speak, but that was all she could muster.
“I warned you. I don’t remember how I got my hooves on fresh cod, but my guess is a trawler must have been in the docks with a load bound for Griffonstone. Thankfully, my mom talked my dad out of disowning me over a taboo, and she found a Griffon who was willing to eat it. Sadly, he said it was actually quite good. I self-banned myself from coffee after that.”
“Well, I suppose we know what to do the next time Ambassador Ghis visits,” Celestia replied slowly. “This was the only time you’ve done this?”
“The one and only, yes.”
“Then none of us shall ever speak of it again,” Celestia stated with finality. “I think we should continue this conversation in private, sister.”
“Indeed.” Luna stood, and her magic wrapped around the foam cup that had been placed before her. “Thank you, Mister Roast. Your services to the Crown are greatly appreciated, as always.”
“My pleasure, Princess,” he offered with Celestia’s coffee and Bean’s water in his magic. “Here’s these for you, and please let me know if you need anything else.”
“We certainly will.”
The rear door of the dining car slammed open, and three pairs of royal eyes turned to watch as Blueblood fumed his way over to them with a small object being towed along in his magic and a bright red line across his right ear. With plenty of venom in his glare but not a peep out of his mouth, he dumped the small mouse trap on the counter, turned, and left in the same way he’d entered.
There was a deep and profound silence for a few moments while each royal contemplated this turn of events, but after that moment Luna took in a slow breath through her nose.
“Totally worth it.”
* * ✹ * *
Bean took a quick glance out of the window as the train lurched under his hooves. As much as Rainbow Dash had wanted to take a flying leap off of the top of the car at full speed into Ponyville, Rarity had kindly pointed out that the ending for all non-pegasus ponies in that scenario would be rather uncomfortable. Having now allowed the passengers who needed to exit to do so, Bean was on his way with Celestia, Luna, and Shining to begin preparations in Canterlot.
“Let see,” Twilight announced while she quite happily applied those marvelous marks of check to the list. “Rarity and Fluttershy are taking care of the dresses, Rainbow Dash is checking in with the Weather Department, Applejack is handling the catering, and Pinkie Pie is… huh. Where is Pinkie?”
“I thought she was with Applejack,” Bean replied with a glance up and down the car quickly. “She didn’t go with her?”
“No, she didn’t. I didn’t see her get off. That’s ok; she’s probably checking on the cake.”
“Does she make a habit of disappearing?”
“Only on Thursdays, typically. It’ll be fine. Now, I need to see how the transportation for the VIP guests is coming along. I’ll be right back.”
She then teleported away, leaving Bean to sigh and to figure out what he should be doing to help.
But then he heard… screaming? It was low and distant, yet it seemed to be increasing.
“Discord, I’m going to rip the horns off of your head and use them for sconces in my apartment if you don’t get me out of here right now!”
Wysteria then poof-exploded into existence right before Bean’s eyes, but on her back and with her legs straight up in the air.
“Sorry, busy at the moment!” Discord’s voice emanated from nowhere. “The boy toy is with Shining Armor, you’re welcome, and I’ll see you on Tuesday!”
“Welcome back?” Bean offered a hoof up, and Wysteria accepted the offer with some muttered grumbles concerning Discord’s travel arrangements.
“Thank you, Your Highness.” She straightened her flowered collar, adjusted her glasses, and summoned her ever-faithful clipboard with a quick flash of magic. “It’s good to be back.”
“How were the Pineapples?”
“Delicious, and the Islands were nice too,” she remarked with a warm smile. “Discord was right, I did need that break. I feel a lot better now.”
“Glad to hear it. Did Discord take care of you and Quill?”
Wysteria’s lips thinned. “He did, except for the transportation. I really hope your little journey through the chaos zone was not as surreal as my trip. Other than that, though, he did provide pleasant arrangements. The bungalow was light and airy, the drinks were superb, the entertainment was charming, and Quill and I even got lei’d.”
Bean’s cheeks burned a bit, and he coughed into a hoof. “Um, I’m not sure that’s something you should be sharing with me.”
“No, no, no,” Wysteria groaned. “Lei! Ell Eee Eye!”
“Oh.” Bean nodded in understanding. “And you say Quill got lei’d too?”
“Anyway,” she shot back with an annoyed smile, “I’m positive that I am now very much behind schedule, and there is much that needs to be done.” Her magic flipped through the papers on her clipboard, but then stopped halfway and started over. A deep frown appeared when she started the process a third time, and Bean tilted his head slightly.
“Problem?”
“I’m missing some pages. The catering information is gone, and the transportation arrangements, and—”
“Oh, that. It’s being taken care of.”
“What? By who?”
“The Element Bearers. Princess Twilight just barely took off with the transportation details.”
“Oh,” Wysteria replied, and the papers flipped again.
“Should we have left them?”
“No, no. I just… uh. It looks like most of my work has been taken off of my hooves.”
“That was the idea. Celestia is working on the invitations at the moment if you want to check in.”
“I think I will. I’ll need to do follow-ups on everything, just for cohesion.”
“Go ahead. I was just about to go see if Cadence needed help with anything, myself.”
Wysteria nodded and turned to meet up with the Princess, but just as she reached the door she turned and looked at Bean over her shoulder.
“May I ask a personal question?”
“Of course.”
“What are your personal feelings about Corporal Quillpoint?”
Bean shrugged. “He seems nice enough, I suppose. I don’t know enough about him to really have an opinion.”
She nodded slowly. “I see.”
“Look, don’t let me stand in the way if you want to pursue a relationship. If you like him, then go for it. I think you would be a cute couple, honestly.”
Wysteria smiled a little. “Thanks.”
“Uncle Bean!” Cadence called out. “Could you come here? I need your input on the music.”
Bean watched on with a smirk while Wysteria pulled a goldenrod paper from her clipboard, crumpled it, and dropped it to the floor.
“That feels pretty good.”
Meanwhile…
Principal Celestia liked getting into school early, before the problems had a chance to breed in dark corners and produce more paperwork. Dawn normally found her secure behind the oak principal’s desk of Canterlot High, bent over one report or another that tied into the activities of her days.
This morning was no exception, but no sooner had she rested her rump on the Chair of Office, as her sister liked to describe it, than there came a light and expected tapping on the office door.
“Come,” she called out, putting on a polite smile when the school dietitian swept cautiously into her office, bearing a tray in one hand. “You know, you don’t have to do this,” she added.
“I’m sorry, Miss Celestia, but I think I do.” He placed the tray down on the cleared section of the desk she had prepared and swept off the cover. “A gently poached onsen egg, several miniature pancakes with real maple syrup and butter, a croissant with my aunt’s apple jam, organic orange juice, and two slices of whole wheat toast with butter and strawberry jam. A little high in carbs, but since you didn’t want any sausage or bacon, I had to work with what I had.”
“Thank you, Mister Bean.” Celestia heaved a quiet sigh. “How long are you going to make me apology breakfasts? It was just one minor bump, and my nose quit bleeding almost at once. I shouldn’t have been sticking my nose in the sunflower patch of the school greenhouse anyway.”
“Well, I shouldn’t have been standing in the sunflower patch,” said Bean, who finished laying out the breakfast items in a perfect arrangement and produced a large foam container labelled Java le Choza. “And your coffee. Black, as requested.”
Celestia could not resist taking a quick sip of the ebon brew, and tried to identify the subtle hint of flavor he had added, despite being discouraged several times so far. She was not about to admit she enjoyed the effort, despite the obvious smile on his face that showed her resistance might not have been as good as she thought. “Thank you again, Mister Bean.”
“You’re welcome, Principal Celestia.”
Bean bobbed his head and slipped out the office door at almost the same time her sister came yawning into the room. Luna looked at the breakfast spread, then quickly snatched a piece of toast and took a bite before any objections could be lodged.
“He still at it, sis?” Luna polished off the toast with several quick crunches and washed it down with a gulp of her own coffee, an undoubtedly corrupted brew filled with such things as soy and flavoring pumps.
“I don’t know what you are talking about, Luna.” Celestia blew gently on the poached egg and took a delicate bite. After some chewing and deep appreciation, she looked up at Luna, who had decided to sit on the edge of the table. “I’m not interested in him as a romantic partner, so you can wipe that smirk off your face, Sister.”
“You’re not getting any younger, Celly.” Luna took a deep drink out of her coffee and smiled. “Try something new. You might find you like it.”
“Baked Bean is freshly out of college. Imagine the scandal it would cause if I go for someone so much younger than myself.”
“When has age ever stopped true love, dear sister?” Luna countered and pressed forward, despite her sister’s scoff. “He is a far cry from the ‘forbidden fruit’ that you think he is. Besides,” her eyes went to her drink with a glimmer of tease, “I’ve seen the way your eyes wander.”
A school girl blush cascaded across Celestia’s cheeks, but she attempted to hide the fact behind a convenient manila folder. “H-Have you nothing better to do?”
“Sadly, yes. But this is not over.”
Celestia could only shake her head as Luna left her to the busy work, but she waited for a moment and watched the door like a hawk. Once she was satisfied that there would be no more intruders, she slowly opened the top drawer of her desk and withdrew a simple spiral-bound notebook. With a soft smile spreading across her face, she flipped over the cover and unfolded a piece of yellow lined paper from within.
This is the (very) rough draft of my story, per your request. It’s not much to look at, but I greatly appreciate you taking the time to review it and for your input. I doubt I will ever actually be a published writer, but if my simple tale can bring a smile to your face, I will consider it a success.
-Mister Bean
Celestia’s smile deepened. He had given her this draft only two days ago, and yet she had already found his tale to be an engaging and interesting yarn. As expected, he was making most of the mistakes an ametuer writer would—comma placement, subject/object inversions, passive voice versus active voice—but the core of it was good. With some red pencil polish and perhaps some encouraging words, the dietician could have a respectable story on his hands.
“Perhaps Luna is right,” Celestia remarked to herself with another loving glance over his delectable spread. “He does have a way with words. I wonder if he does desserts, too.”
Princess Celestia pranced and twirled about the dressing room with a gleeful smile. She was so full of happiness and contentment that she was certain she would either burst, or make her sun go supernova.
True, everything that was happening now was mostly an excuse to throw a party, but she didn’t care. After today, she would have full and complete custody of one Baked Bean, that delightful yellow stallion who had charmed his way into her heart and given her life a renewal she did not know it even needed.
It was perfect. So perfect, in fact, that she couldn’t help but sing about it.
“This day is going to be perfect, the kind of day of which I’ve dreamed since I was small!
“Everypony will gather ‘round, say I look lovely in my gown—”
“Your Highness?” Rarity’s voice drifted into the room with a corresponding knock. “May we come in?”
“Please enter!” Celestia called back, and she giggled furiously when Rarity and Twilight both entered the room.
“Were you singing just now?” Twilight asked.
“Indeed I was, Twilight!” She laughed out her response. “I’m so happy that I cannot help it!
“Excuse the silly smile upon my face, I can’t help feeling things will go my way!
“My heart is lighter than a song, How could anything go wrong? Today’s my wedding day!”
Rarity gave the princess an amused look, but she was forced to admonish Celestia to prevent her from being late to her own wedding. “Now, I know you are excited, Your Highness, but we need to get you ready! Your husband won’t wait all day for you, after all!”
“Oh, alright.” Celestia plopped into the chair in front of the vanity table. “I would hate to keep my precious Bean waiting. Let us begin.”
Twilight took a brush in her magic and began working on Celestia’s mane while Rarity produced a sizeable case full of cosmetics. With a small flourish of magic, she pulled a bottle of clear lip gloss out from the case, and Celestia gently took it in her own magic before Rarity moved into the eye shadows.
“I’m thinking light and airy,” Rarity remarked while Celestia puckered her lips. “To keep with the theme, of course. We only need to add subtle hints to your own natural beauty.”
“I believe that will work quite well,” Celestia replied after blotting quickly. “Baked Bean has always admired my natural beauty, so it is that which he will have.”
“Among other things, I bet.”
All three mares giggled like fillies at this, then Twilight began to offer her thoughts. “You know, when I was your student, I never even dreamed you’d find a special somepony. I thought you were happy with the ways things were, and that you had no need for romance. But ever since you found the Prince, you’ve been even more cheerful and animated than ever. I think Bean is bringing out something wonderful from deep inside you, and I have no doubt he’ll continue to do so. You and he are perfect for each other.”
“Why thank you, Twilight!” Celestia replied. “I never thought I would have a special somepony either, but now that I do you can bet all the bits in the royal coffers that I’m going to keep my Bean, no matter what. He fills every last bit of me with contentment and completeness, and that’s a feeling I never want to lose.”
“I don’t think you ever will,” Rarity offered with a deep smile. “And I bet he never wants to lose it either.”
* * ✹ * *
This was it.
Bean took another long, deep breath as he tried to steel himself. There were just a few minutes remaining before he was due to head out onto the balcony and marry Princess Celestia.
Again.
It wasn’t exactly the kind of wedding he had thought it would be when he was younger, but it was far better than anything he could have imagined.
“Just about there, sir,” Wysteria offered. “I don’t even know how that inseam got torn.”
“I’m just grateful you know how to sew,” he replied with relief. “I’m sure pulling Rarity away from Celestia’s side right now would be like trying to move Canterlot.”
“You pick up a lot of things as the secretary to the Princesses,” Wysteria offered with some pride, “including things you’d never think of. I don’t know how many torn dresses I’ve had to repair just before a formal event started.”
“I don’t doubt that,” he said with a chuckle. “Did you manage to find a plus one for today’s little event?”
“I did, sir, and it’s not Quillpoint.”
“No? Why not?”
“A royal wedding is a priority event, so he has to work. I invited an old roommate of mine, actually. She’s been pestering me for years to get her into a Grand Galloping Gala, so this is my way of making it up to her.”
“Sir?” A knock came through the door with Sergeant Pokey’s voice right behind. “It’s time.”
“Wys?”
“Oh, we’ve moved on to nicknames, have we?” She gave him a sly look. “I didn’t know you were ready to take our relationship to that level.”
“I can always go with Missus Wysteria Iris Inkwell.”
“Don’t you dare, that sounds like I’m some old nag. I’ll take Wys over that any day, and that should do it,” she replied with a quick tug of the thread to break it off. “Take a look, sir.”
Bean turned to the full length mirror and took a moment to fully appreciate his appearance. Dressed again in a blue coat with brilliant brass buttons, he was now sporting a golden sash that draped over his right shoulder and across his front instead of the white, sun-emblazoned shoulder pads of the previous version. His Celestial Crystal had been polished and cleaned until it burned with an outward fire that was but a reflection of what was in his heart for Celestia.
He could not keep from smiling.
“You look good, sir,” Wysteria offered.
“Thanks. You look good too.”
“I don’t know how Rarity managed to get so many dresses made in such a short time,” she offered with a glance back over her own green chiffon ensemble. “And it’s probably the finest dress I’ve ever owned. It’ll be nice to have this for future royal events.”
“Not to mention off hour dates with a certain somepony.”
“Yes, that too.” Wysteria laughed. “But enough about me. Celestia will tear the palace apart, brick by brick, if you fail to show. Let’s get you out there.”
“Did you happen to see her dress?” he asked while she opened the door with her magic.
“Nice try. My lips are sealed,” she replied with a teasing look. “You will love it, though.”
“I could pull rank on you. I am your boss, after all.”
“You could.”
“You still wouldn’t tell me, would you?”
“Not a chance, Your Highness.”
“Traitor. Would calling you a traitor work?” he asked with a laugh.
“Not in the slightest, sir, but nice try.”
Bean nodded and smiled all the more when he saw his loyal guards waiting for him just outside the doorway, and he took a moment to hoofbump them both. “I think you two used extra armor wax today. You seem brighter than normal.”
“Perhaps a little more spit and polish sir, yes,” Clover Leaf replied. “But it’s well worth it.”
“I bet this last week has been all sorts of fun for the guard.”
“It’s been interesting, sir,” Hokey Pokey replied, with a ruffle of his wings. “Sergeant Leaf and I have been involved in every phase of the arrangements, and while I am glad you and the Princess are getting married again, I won’t deny I’ll be glad when it’s all over.”
“I understand that completely.” Bean laughed, and he began walking with everypony as he continued. “But thank you, again, for everything you do. It really does mean a lot to me that you put yourselves through this for Celestia and me.”
“It’s our honor to do so, sir,” Pokey replied with a sly smile. “And the ‘Guard the Prince’ differential pay helps out quite a bit, too.”
“I don’t doubt that for a moment,” Bean replied. “Any word on changeling issues?”
“It’s been quiet, sir. Too quiet,” Clover replied first. “We’ve been running scans non-stop for the last two weeks and there’s been nothing. I honestly would hope they’re not dumb enough to try invading a wedding again; they have to know we’re looking for them.”
“Still, it’s good to be vigilant. Celly has only gotten the very basics of self-defence across to me so far. I’d be a dead duck if they did try anything.”
“No worries there, sir. Even if something happens, the Princess would make a flambé out of it before anypony could blink.”
“That she would. Have my parents arrived yet, Wys?”
“They’re waiting for you at the rendezvous point. They arrived about two hours ago.”
“They did?”
“Yeah. Your father wanted to surprise you.”
“Well, I suppose I can forgive them then,” he chuckled. “And everypony else is ready to go?”
“I’ll get the final go-ahead in just a minute, but yes. Everypony should be ready.”
Bean took a deep breath. “You know, I’m wondering if I was more nervous at my actual wedding or if I am now.”
“I would say the first one, sir. Your left rear leg isn’t shaking yet.”
Bean glanced back at the appendage with a smirk. “I am never playing poker with you, Wys. Ever.”
Nothing more was said as Bean walked with his small entourage through the hallways of the palace and towards the ceremony that, in honesty, he wasn’t sure he would ever experience in life. There had been times in his past when he had wondered if he would ever find a special somepony, of if the demands of the Zuerst would prevent him from ever having a life outside of cooking. There had always been so much pressure to perform, to meet the expectations of his parents and their dreams. He had honestly believed, at various points in his life, that he would never experience the warmth and companionship of a mare. He would be doomed into a forced and unwanted love of fruits and vegetables, sauces and soups.
But now he was here, at the threshold of what would, undoubtedly, be one of the greatest days of his life. The terms he was coming up with to describe how he felt about what was happening were perhaps a bit trite and beyond obvious, but it still was quite pleasing to think that he would have this moment to remember and to cherish until his dying breath. The magic of what was about to happen, the importance of what this ceremony symbolized to him, and the knowledge that he could claim, without any sort of reservation or hindrance, the Princess—no, the goddess—who was known as Celestia as his own, for now and for always, was something that filled every last inch of him with a joy indescribable. She would be his, he would be hers, and nothing would ever be able to drive them apart.
If there was a way to die of happiness, Baked Bean had found it.
Bean had to quickly dab at a tear of joy in the corner of his eye when he rounded a corner and found his parents waiting for him. Deep smiles and warm hugs were shared as they greeted each other, and Bean chuckled a bit when he noticed that his mom was on the verge of ruining her mascara.
“This is it, eh?” Garbanzo remarked. “You doing alright?”
“It is possible to feel every emotion at the same time?” Bean replied with a chuckle. “No, I feel good. I feel ready. And all of this?” He inhaled deeply. “It feels right.”
“Good. It should feel right,” Garbanzo said with a firm nod. “It did for me when I married your mother.”
“How are you two handling all this?”
“Oh, I think we’re doing all right. I personally feel proud, Bean buddy. You’ve done well, and you’re going to continue to do well. You may not be the chef I expected, but you are the Bean that I always knew you could be.”
“Wysteria has promised to keep me supplied with tissues, so I’ll manage,” she replied with a deep smile, while dabbing at the corner of her eyes with one of said tissues. “I’m proud of you too, my little Baked. You’re marrying a fantastic mare, and I’m not just saying that because she’s the Princess. She’s the one for you, I can tell. She deserves you far more than the Zuerst ever did.”
“I’ve actually been meaning to ask. What are you going to do with the restaurant now that all of this has happened?”
“We’re not sure yet,” Lima replied, and Garbanzo nodded in agreement. “We’ll still keep it going for now, but we’re not sure if we should find somepony else to take over for us when we’re ready to retire or if we should just shut it down.”
“We could always sell it, too,” Garbanzo noted.
“Oh, that would be a shame, though,” Bean said sadly. “Why not see if Mung and Chowder want to learn the ropes? I bet they’d do good with it.”
“We did toss that idea around a bit,” Lima said, “but we’re not sure if he’d want to have it. We’ll talk it over with them later, see what they think. Right now they’re both wrapped up in wedding preparations.”
“They are here, right?”
“Everypony is here, don’t worry. They’re waiting in their seats as we speak.”
“Your Highness?” Wysteria called out. “We need to move.”
“Is this what your days are like now?” Lima asked as they began walking again. “Having ponies endlessly telling you where to go?”
“No. Sometimes, they tell me how to dress, and if I ask nicely they’ll even brush my teeth.”
“You better not make anypony do that,” Wysteria called back.
Bean laughed a little. “In all honesty, my days are scheduled out pretty well, but there is time for some relaxation and non-governmental stuff. It’s actually not so bad, in a way.”
“I suppose not,” Lima replied as they rounded the last corner to the balcony.
“There he is!” Shining Armor shouted. “It’s bad to be late to your own wedding, you know!”
“Hey, at least I showed up, right?” Bean replied back with a hearty laugh. All of the Element Bearers—except Twilight—were waiting patiently with Shining and Spike, and all of them looked regal and delightful in their own ways. The mares were dressed in light and bright dresses that Rarity and Fluttershy had produced in an astonishingly short amount of time, and Spike looked quite dapper in his tailored suit and top hat. Even Shining, who was dressed in his Crystal Empire formal wear, looked a bit more royal than normal.
Or was it just because he had combed his mane? Bean wasn’t totally sure.
“So, we’re all here now, right?” Wysteria asked.
“No, we’re still missing Blueblood,” Shining replied.
“He isn’t here?!” Wysteria took a quick headcount again, grew red in the face with a low groan of severe annoyance, and then teleported away.
“So, I guess we wait?” Rainbow Dash remarked.
“I think we should get started without him,” Rarity replied with contempt and with her nose firmly in the air. “If he is uncouth enough to be late to our Princess’ wedding, he deserves to be left out.”
“Still holdin’ on to that grudge, eh Rarity?” Applejack offered with a grin.
“I am certain I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I’m with Rarity,” Spike announced to the surprise of nopony. “If he can’t be here on time, we should leave him behind!”
“If we have to, we will,” Bean replied, “but I’d hate for him to miss out. Maybe he just had a small emergency to deal with.”
Wysteria and the missing irksome prince then flashed back into the hallway, and she promptly prodded him with her horn firmly enough that it threatened to go clean through his navy blue blazer and into his ribcage.
“Move! Move, move, move!” she ordered.
“Gracious, Miss Inkwell, you don’t need to threaten me so!” Blueblood protested.
“Oh, look,” Rarity replied with a look as flat as her voice. “It’s Prince Blueblood, the pooper of parties. So nice of you to join us.”
“And you are?” Blueblood said aloofly, sending Rarity into a barely contained rage that took Rainbow and Applejack to hold her back.
“Do we really have to let him participate?” Rainbow Dash asked in a loud and hoarse whisper to Wysteria.
“I’m afraid we do. Celestia wishes to have him in attendance, so here he is.”
“I’m not sure why you are all so surprised at my presence. I always delight in taking part in the pleasant, trivial pastimes of the peasantry.”
“Why I outta…” Applejack growled, but Fluttershy stepped in front of her with her wings outstretched before a move could be made by the farmer.
“Now, Applejack,” she gently chided, “just because Prince Blueblood is being a big meanie pants doesn’t mean you should be mean too.”
“Alright, everypony,” Wysteria admonished with a heavy eye roll, “this is supposed to be a happy, joyous occasion, so let’s just pretend that we like each other until we get done with today, and then we can all go back to hating Blueblood.”
Said target of scorn let a small growl of irritation accompany his scowl, but nopony else really noticed or cared.
“Wait!” Discord suddenly intervened with no forewarning, per the norm with him. “No pony told me there was going to be a roast too! I want a turn! A-hem. That Blueblood, I tell ya!”
Fluttershy and Baked Bean both grinned at the sound of the new voice, and it only took a moment for Fluttershy to go airborne and give Discord a large hug.
“You came!” Fluttershy happily stated the obvious. “I knew you would.”
“But of course!” he replied, and with a snap of his paw, he again donned his garishly orange tuxedo and top hat. “Celestia did promise that I could be the ring bearer, after all. Bean, you were going to let me still do that, weren’t you? I’ve got them right here.”
Discord produced a heavy iron-bound chest and dumped it out with a clatter of iron chains and heavy weights that were attached to a full set of glittering steel manacles and a muzzle. “There’s yours. Let me look for your beautiful bride’s,” he added while rummaging through his pockets.
“Hold it, Discord. We have some already.”
“What? Oh, foo.” He pouted for a moment, but then brightened again. “But you will let me hold them, right?”
“I will, Discord. Just don’t lose them this time?”
“They will be treated with the utmost care, Bean-o.”
“And please don’t turn them into ringworms.”
Discord gave him an annoyed look. “Bean, I thought you knew me better than that. I would never even dream of turning them into worms. Snakes, yes, but not worms. I do have standards, you know.”
“Of course, how could I mess that up?”
“Well, I suppose I can overlook it just this once, but don’t expect a second wedding gift.”
“You gave us a first one?”
“I kept the changelings from invading, thank you very much.”
“How could they invade when nopony knew about it?”
“Are you two done?” Wysteria cut in. “We really need to get started.”
“Yeah, let’s get this going.” Discord offered a grin that nearly crackled as much as his knuckles that he was presently popping. “Pinkie promised me a chaos cake, and I am simply dying to see what she made.”
“Oh, your mind is going to be blown, Discord,” Pinkie offered with a severely devious grin. “This is going to redefine ‘chaos.’”
Sergeant Clover Leaf then held up a sizeable golden case towards Discord, but when he took it from her, it immediately dropped straight to the ground, and it took him along for the ride. There was a gasp of shock, but before any further reaction could occur Discord strained to stand straight again, and the case looked undamaged, much to everypony’s relief.
“Sweet lunar rocks, Bean!” Discord grunted. “What are these things made of, solid gold?!”
“Silver, actually. These are the same rings Luna and Star Struck exchanged when they married. Luna shot down our objections about using them, and she said it could be a new royal tradition.”
“That is so romantic!” Rarity sighed.
“That, and it takes care of the something old element. Discord, it really is an honor to me that you would do this.”
“So long as no hobbits or Gollums show up looking for them,” he remarked, and he slowly lifted the lid to inspect the goods. “I’m also not going anywhere near a volcano, no matter what kind of fellowship you put together.”
A blast of fanfare from outside cut off any further comments, and Wysteria helped everypony to hustle into their proper position. The balcony doors then swung open, and a full orchestra began to play as Shining Armor and Prince Blueblood strode out into the sunlight.
“You’re going to do just fine, sir,” Wysteria offered softly to Bean, while he took a deep breath.
“You will, too. Thanks again for everything. This couldn’t have happened without you.”
“Not a problem, sir. Just remember all this at my annual performance review.”
“I will,” he chuckled, and he gave a reassuring smile to his parents while the Element Bearers happily made their exit.
“You’re up, Your Highness,” Wysteria said with a smile. “Knock ‘em dead.”
“In other words, don’t trip?”
“You got it. Just remember to lead off with your right hoof.”
Sadly, Wysteria failed to mention which right hoof he was supposed to lead with, and he stumbled slightly when he walked out into the sunlight. Once he regained his composure, though, he managed to keep his steps even and sure as he strode down the red carpet with his parents, and they took their places behind him while he took his place at the front of the balcony. His heart was thumping hard enough in his chest that he was sure his Celestial Crystal was bouncing, but the smile of pure joy felt like it would be forever etched upon his lips.
The unicorn guards then let loose another proud fanfare, and all eyes turned upward. Bean had been told Celestia wanted to make a grand entrance, but the details on how she planned to do that had been withheld from him, mostly by his own choosing. He wanted to be as surprised as everypony else.
He was not disappointed.
From out of the midday sun, Celestia’s graceful and elegant form began to slowly and regally descend towards her beloved. To her right flew Luna, to her left was Cadence, and before her was Twilight, who played the part of flower filly quite well. Small rose petals daintily drifted out of her basket and upon the awestruck crowd as they all silently fluttered down to the awaiting Bean, and for a moment, his heart and lungs nearly stopped working.
He had heard, from time to time, about a strange phenomenon involving the slowing, or even the stoppage, of time. Reportedly, this unusual occurrence could be triggered by an event of extreme magnitude, in either the positive or negative regard, and for the participant the natural tick and tock of the seconds that made up one’s existence would become distorted, reduced, and could even be silenced for lengths that ranged anywhere from moments to eternity. He had never really put much faith or stock in these stories; the logic behind such an event was absurd. Time marched on, heedless to the pleadings of those who were subject to it and irrespective of the station, power, position, wealth, or influence any one pony may hold. Only two had ever truly escaped it’s grasp, and those two were they who led Equestria in wisdom and order.
And now, Baked Bean found he was going to be formally married to one of them.
It really shouldn’t have been a surprise to him when time did slow with her decent. Princess Celestia was every bit the goddess Bean believed her to be, and twice more besides. It was as if all of existence simply stood aside, patiently waiting for the two of them to have their moment before it would dare to intrude again.
When her bare hooves gently touched the dias in front of him, color itself bled away, leaving nothing but white for Bean to behold. Her dress was light as a cloud, gently fell off of her shoulders, and flowed like a gentle river over her barrel and over her haunches, but the sparkle it emitted from its pure-white surface would make the crystals of a fresh snowfall jealous. The smile that graced her lips would from that moment on redefine the word ‘pleased’, and the very taste of that moment was one that Baked Bean knew would defy time itself.
And then Celestia flitted her eyes open, and the pure magenta of her gaze slammed color back into existence for him with enough force to nearly take him off his hooves. The dance of the cerulean, turquoise, cobalt, and heliotrope waves filled his soul with pastel peace, and in her quiet giggle, his existence became complete. Everything he felt, everything he knew, everything that he was in that moment could be summarized in one glorious whole.
Celestia.
“Well, here we are,” Celestia softly whispered to him while Luna, Cadence, and Twilight floated into their respective positions, and a loud sob of joy escaped from Shining Armor.
“And I wish we could stay here,” Bean replied, but then he noticed something. “You’re not wearing your tiara?”
“We are equal here, my love,” she softly said. “I am not marrying you as a Princess. This union is between Baked Bean and Celestia, a stallion and a mare who are madly in love with each other. Nothing else at this point matters.”
“Nothing else ever will, I think.”
“I certainly hope so,” she replied with a quick boop of his nose.
“Dear friends!” Luna’s Royal Canterlot Voice boomed out across the assembled masses, but somehow Bean retained his hearing. “On behalf of Princess Celestia and Prince Baked Bean, it is my pleasure to welcome you all here, and to extend that welcome to all who cannot attend this ceremony. They know you are with them in spirit, and it is the earnest hope of the happy couple that the joy and happiness they now feel can extend to you, wherever you may be.
“We welcome the various dignitaries who have joined us today, both from Equestria and from lands abroad, as well as the Element Bearers of Equestria, and even Discord, even though we’re still working on a way to block his chaos magic.”
“She’s talking about me. I’m so flattered,” Discord remarked happily as he ribbed Blueblood, who scoffed in annoyance.
“This moment, my dear friends, is now the pinnacle of jubilation for my sister and for her husband. Despite the unorthodox circumstances surrounding their union, I can tell you all without reservation that the love that these two share is deep, strong, and true. They revere and admire each other, they care for one another, and from this moment onward, there will be nothing to impede the heights that they can reach together.
“However, we all know you’re here for the cake and the party, so let’s get this over with, shall we?” she called out, and a large, cheering laugh rose up from the guests. “Very well! Baked Bean, do you take Celestia as your own? Will you cherish her, will you love her? Will she be yours, for now until the end of your days, and will you do all within your power to ensure you treat her as your wife?”
“I will,” he proudly proclaimed.
“And do you do this of your own choice, with no coercement or intimidation on the part of myself?”
“I do this because I love Celestia,” he replied in joy. “I do it of my own choice.”
“Good answer,” Luna replied with a smile, and then she turned to her sister. “Celestia, do you take this Bean to be your Baked? Will you cherish him, will you love him? Will he be first and foremost in your life? Will you do all within your power to ensure you treat him as your husband, until his end?”
“I will,” she replied with enough joy to flood the whole of Equestria.
“And do you do this because you got all nosey with him?”
“Loving every moment of this, aren’t you?” she laughed back at her, and Luna nodded vigorously and with a huge smile. “I do this because I was nosey with him, and for so much more. I do this because I love him.”
“Good, ‘cause I still don’t want to mess around with that big ball of hot air you’ve got. And so! By the powers vested and invested within my most Royal Sisterliness, it is my supreme pleasure and greatest honor to proclaim Baked Bean and Celestia to be hitched, joined, connected, and/or married, and that you are now husband and wife …”
Her wings flared upward in perfect synchronization with Twilight, Cadence, and Celestia’s, and before Bean could react, her magic snagged him, pulled him to her, and she planted the most wonderful kiss upon his lips that he had ever experienced.
“... again!” Luna grandly finished.
The assembled crowd broke out into thunderous applause while Discord stepped forward and held the ring box before the newly remarried couple. Celestia gave him a quick peck on the cheek before pulling Bean’s hoof ring out with her magic, and Discord stammered with a shy blush while she slid the golden adornment onto Bean's left hoof.
Bean then gently took Celestia’s ring out from the box, and his touch was feather soft as he slid the ring down gracefully down her horn. They shared another smile, kissed again, and then turned to face the assembled crowd.
It was later said that the resounding cheer that then exploded out of Canterlot could be heard as far away as Ponyville.
Baked Bean had come to a realization.
Though he would never forget how he had felt during the ceremony, it was a virtual guarantee that he would forget a good portion of the party afterwards.
It wasn’t because he was trying to, of course, but the overwhelming rush of sensory inputs that occured after they had kissed was beyond what he could handle.
He would remember large chunks of it, thankfully. He would never forget cutting the cake, or how he somehow managed to smear it across Celestia’s muzzle. He wouldn’t ever forget her return shot either, or how he managed to eat most of it before she could properly paint his nose in retaliation. He would remember the luncheon with the dignitaries and ambassadors from the various allies of Equestria, and he was sure he would forever remember how Discord managed to get Ambassador Ghis to laugh so uproariously that he snorted, much to the amusement of all the other invited guests. He was even sure he’d remember that Blueblood, who he had expected to be irritated and annoyed with the whole of the day, actually gave a genuine smile and a short thanks to Bean as Luna’s moon had risen into the sky that evening. He would remember the feel, the aura of everything.
He would forever remember the joy.
But there was one moment in particular, towards the end of the day, that he knew would leave an indelible impression on his memory. It was during the open dance portion of the evening, just before everything was to be concluded, and Bean found himself on the floor with Celestia, his arms gently around her neck as they softly swayed to the gentle beat of the music.
“So, my love, what do you think?” Celestia asked. “Was this a fair party?”
“It’s beyond anything I could have envisioned, in all good ways. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to fully describe how I’ve felt about everything.”
“Wow?” she offered.
“Wow,” he agreed with a shared laugh. “Did Rarity design your dress too?”
“She did.”
“It’s amazing. I really like how it almost seems to glint with rainbows when you look at it. I’ve never seen a fabric so white before.”
“I’m glad you like it, but I must say I like the design of your coat too. It’s formal, dashing, debonair even. It is a small wonder that a such a charming stallion, dressed as you are, could capture my heart.”
“So long as you keep it, my love,” he softly replied. “Just as I will keep you.”
“We shall keep each other, through all of life’s trials.” She spoke with all of the authority she had as a Princess of Equestria. “Your for me, and me for you. Together, we will conquer all.”
She then rested her head on his shoulder, and Bean smiled as deeply as he possibly could from sheer glee. All he had ever wanted, all he had ever desired, he now had and held within his hooves.
He had her.
His eyes then caught sight of Luna, who was sitting off to the side of the dance floor and watching the proceedings with a happy tear in the corner of her eye. His heart broke a little as he thought about her, sitting through this, without her beloved Star Struck. She deserved to have the happiness he felt, and that her sister was producing.
But then his smile returned in full force. A waltzing couple blocked his view of Luna for a brief moment, but once they had moved aside he saw that a new pony was now sitting next to her, his arm around her barrel and her wing around his form. He was a broad and charming black stallion, with a black mane that had lightning blue streaks throughout, and he gave Baked Bean a nod of solid satisfaction before resting his head on Luna’s side. She, in turn, tilted her own head to rest on his, and Bean wiped away a tear quickly before Celestia pulled back and looked him in the eye.
“Star is here, isn’t he?”
“I hope that’s what I’m seeing,” Bean remarked.
“Even if it is just in spirit, he is here. It may be a bit trite and overused, but I am a firm believer that a loved one is never truly gone as long as they are remembered. Star will forever live in Luna’s heart, just as you will forever be in mine.”
“And when the end comes?” Bean had to ask. “When it is time to say goodbye?”
“I will cherish the memories we will make together, just as you will, but let us not dwell on that now. We have each other, and a lifetime of opportunity awaits us. Together, we shall ascend, together we shall succeed, and together we will thrive. Neither of us will ever just live again. Now, and forever more, we are alive.”
The newlywed couple then shared a kiss most worthy, and as they did so the crowd around them once again cheered and applauded. Fittingly enough, a round of fireworks then shot off into the night sky, and the blasts of light that now illuminated the sky served as the perfect visual to the feelings Baked Bean and Celestia felt within themselves and shared with each other.
Mandible watched in confusion as the distant pops of light and sound began to echo across the grassy fields were he sat. At the moment, he appeared to be a simple grey pegasus who was in the company of a svelte blue unicorn mare and two earth ponies of grey and opal blue, respectively. While the grey one cooked a simple meal over a meager campfire and the blue one gathered some nearby sticks and twigs, the unicorn sat and said nothing as the quill in her magic moved across the newspaper before her.
“Bob, I need a nine letter word that starts with a P for the outward appearance of a pony.”
“Would that be ‘phenotype’, my queen?” the grey earth pony replied.
“Ah!” the disguised Chrysalis chortled. “So it is! Good job, Bob.”
Bob smiled and stuck his tongue out at Mandible, who simply rolled his eyes and turned back to look at the fireworks in the sky.
“Still thinking about it?” the opal blue pony asked in soft tones while coming up on his right side.
“Yeah.”
“You shouldn’t. You’ll get us all in trouble.”
“Look, Thorax, we need to worry about these things.” Mandible replied in a whisper, and with a quick glance back towards his queen. “What kind of a precedent are we setting here? The biggest party in Equestria, with enough love to fuel twenty hives and here we sit like bumps on a log, waiting for who-knows-what.”
“Queen Chrysalis knows what she’s doing. We just need to follow her orders.”
“Her orders? Her orders are to sit here. What good is that going to do?”
“It sounds like you two are having a lively discussion over here,” Chrysalis offered over the top of the two changelings, and both yelped as they whirled around and bowed.
“Just idle thoughts, My Queen!” Mandible replied quickly. “Nothing your most exaltedness needs to concern herself with!”
“Oh, I think I do, Mandible,” she replied with a swat to his nose from her rolled-up newspaper. “From what I have heard, it sounds like you don’t like it here.”
“No, I love it here, my Queen. I would follow you to the ends of Equestria and back again.”
“But?” Chrysalis prodded after a moment, and she pushed up his chin with the paper to ensure his eyes were on her.
“But, my Queen, I thought you said we were going to invade.”
Chrysalis offered a low and amused chuckle, one that everyling feared. It was the cold and evil laugh of a heartless fiend who was about to demonstrate the depths of her sadism, and Thorax slowly began to slink away. He had no desire to be a part of his fellow bug’s suffering.
“Mandible, you delightful little bug you.” She bopped him on the head with the paper. “Let’s have a little review, shall we? When did we last visit Canterlot?”
“Uh…” Mandible swallowed hard. He really did not wish to answer that, but it would be far worse if he didn’t. “It was, uh, for the wedding of Princess Cadence.”
“Very good. What did we try to do?”
“You impersonated the Princess, and then we invaded.”
“Two for two, aren’t you a smart little bug.” Her fangs glistened in the moonlight, and Mandible was really beginning to regret his career choices while she stooped down low and began to whisper. “Now, here’s a tricky one: how did things end for us that day?”
“Uh ... we, uh ... we got blasted out into the Badlands by the combined power of Shining Armor and Cadence’s love.”
“Good, good. Now, for the hardest one of all: do you think that maybe, just maybe, ponies have something called memories, and that they remember all of this, too?”
Mandible didn’t answer. He was too busy watching his short and somewhat pathetic life flash before him.
“My sweet little Mandible,” Chrysalis cooed in the same way a spider would to a fly it was about to consume, and her magic took the newspaper while she pinched both of his cheeks with her hooves. “You’re not paid to think, so I would suggest you stop.”
“I will immediately do so, my Queen.”
“Mm, good,” she gave his face just a hint of a squeeze, and then she released him. “If you will recall, I said we had not been invited to the wedding. I never said anything about attending. Celestia’s guards have been scouring every square inch of Canterlot in an effort to prevent me from crashing the wedding again, and even with the hive at full strength we would not be able to overpower Celestia, Luna, Cadence, and Twilight Sparkle.”
She paused, and unfurled the paper to show the bold headline Guard on High Alert for Royal Wedding before letting out a snicker. “On a very simple level, I find some glee in the fact that they spent thousands of bits in a futile effort to expose a nonexistent invasion, and I can hardly wait to see the pictures of all those snooty unicorns trying to eat their cake without their magic.”
Thorax shot a warning look to Bob. The newspaper that was being used to smack sense into Mandible had also announced Celestia’s reversal of the order to block unicorn magic. It had been carefully removed by three little changelings out of an overabundance of caution and a basic, primal desire to live. Now was definitely not the time to broach the topic.
“No, what I said, exactly, was that we needed to make arrangements to meet the new Prince, and meet him we shall,” she grandly pronounced with another newspaper-driven swat of Mandible’s nose. “I will not be denied this time, and my revenge will be all the sweeter when I corrupt Celestia’s precious little Baked Bean.
“So do not question me, my minions. We will remain here until the party is over, then we will make our move. It will take time, even more than what was required for Cadence, but have faith, my little ones. Your beloved Queen knows exactly what she is doing.”
Her lips curled back over sharp fangs, and Chrysalis chuckled. “Oh, this is going to be so much fun!”
“Uh, Celly, sweetie? Apple of my eye, love of my life?”
“I’m not talking to you,” Celestia huffed playfully.
“Ok, but can you put me down now?” Baked Bean waved his legs in Celestia’s magic field as if he were doing the breaststroke, but went nowhere other than to continue floating behind his most Royal love.
Celestia scrunched her nose, rolled her eyes in thought, and let out a long, thoughtful hum.
“No,” she finally declared with a badly-suppressed giggle.
“So, do you plan on towing me along in your magic all day?”
“Yes,” she replied with a smirk. “It’s your punishment for that little stunt you pulled at sunrise. You’re going to start a doomsday cult somewhere if you keep interrupting me like that.”
“Hey, in my defense, I didn’t know you could lose your grip on the sun.”
“Now you know,” she replied before pulling him closer and giving his nose a quick kiss. “Where did you even find that thing, anyway?”
“They’re in the gift shop, down by the front desk. They were even buy one, get one half-off.”
“Oh, great,” she laughed. “That means you have a replacement.”
“If I turn it over, will you let me go?”
“I’ll let you go anyway,” she replied with another quick kiss, and they both giggled a bit after his hooves settled back onto the ground. “Ponies would wonder what we’re up to if I did keep you suspended all day.”
“That they would. I’ll behave.”
“I have my doubts about that,” she replied with a laughing scoff. “Shall we have breakfast now?”
“I’d like that. What do you think the hotel cooked up for us this morning?”
“I do believe it will be omelettes. You did mention that you haven’t had one in some time.”
“I do believe you will be right.”
A staccato burst of knocks came from the main door, and Wysteria entered after Bean called out for her to enter. Her magic held a large silver tray with two plates of food, and she offered a warm greeting while placing the tray on the nearby table.
“Omelettes,” Bean observed thoughtfully. “I guess you win, my sweet?”
“I suppose so, but whatever shall I claim for my prize?” she asked with a nip of his ear.
“We’ll discuss that later,” he purred.
“That we will,” she threatened gleefully. “Wysteria, good morning. How are you?”
“Just fine, Princess. I have just a couple of things to go over with both of you,” she replied with a quick shuffle of her paperwork. “Let’s see: the Astronomical Society is whining about the increase and the frequency of solar flares, but I already replied back to them. Princess Cadence reports no changes on the Yakyakstani border, and the most recent envoy was rejected as well.”
“Tell them to please keep trying. I don’t want to have them close off their borders for hundreds of moons again,” Celestia replied with a sigh. “I wish we knew what happened. Perhaps Bean and I should make an attempt at reopening the border.”
“I would bet Captain Armor and Lieutenant Spear Point would have a wee bit of an issue with that,” Wysteria commented, while squinting to read the next paper in line. “But I will send the message. Next, Luna sends her regards and reports that all is well in Canterlot, and she hopes you have enjoyed your stay in Fillydelphia. She looks forward to your return this evening, and she also says that trying to paint Prince Blueblood is very difficult, since he won’t hold still.”
“Does Luna paint too?” Bean asked.
“No,” Celestia said with a knowing sigh. “She is trying to paint Blueblood.”
“Oh. So if I ever see her with a paint can, I should run?”
“That would be a wise course of action.” Celestia shook her head and smiled. “What else do you have, Wysteria?”
“One last thing. I have confirmed the details for your visit to the Writer’s Convention, and I have also confirmed that A.K. Yearling will be the final keynote speaker. She has agreed to meet with you after her speech.”
“The A.K. Yearling?” Bean asked. “Wow. I’d heard she was a recluse and didn’t do conventions.”
“That depends on how you define ‘do conventions,’” Celestia replied. “She will make some brief appearances at events like this when she has a new book coming out, but otherwise she avoids them.”
“Have you ever met her?”
“I have had the opportunity to meet her before, yes. I believe I even have an autographed copy of each of her books.”
“Woah. Does Luna have autographed books too?”
“We don’t share everything,” said Celestia with a raised eyebrow. “She had to get her own. But, I will let you look at my copies when we return.”
“I should probably read them, too.” Bean remarked thoughtfully.
“It should be fairly easy to get you a reading copy,” Celestia offered.
“You haven’t read the Daring Do series?” Wysteria asked.
“I just couldn’t get into it.” Bean shrugged. “I think I got a third of the way through the Sapphire Statue and that was it.”
“May I humbly suggest you try again?”
“I suppose I could. Maybe I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind at the time.”
“I can believe that, given what I know about your history, but I think you’ll be more interested in them after your meeting with Miss Yearling,” Wysteria offered with a knowing glance over to the Princess.
“Indeed. I am most curious to see what your thoughts are regarding the mystery mage in her fourth book,” Celestia added with a wink for her secretary. “Anything else, Wysteria?”
“No, that’s all I have for now, other than letting you know the carriage is prepped and ready to go whenever you are.”
“Thank you,” Celestia replied. “We will be down shortly.”
“Are you really sure you want to go to this writer’s thing?” Bean asked while Wysteria made her exit. “I get the feeling you agreed just because I said it would be fun to check it out.”
“I do want to go, and not just because you said that,” she replied as she began to portion out her meal. “It will be good to have other writers and editors look over your work.”
“Isn’t that what you’ve been doing?”
“Yes, but second opinions are always valuable, especially on your first work. The ponies who will be in attendance today will give you ideas and suggest methods of phrasing and prose that even I might not think of. I believe this will help broaden your writing horizons, and there is even the possibility that you will inspire writing yourself.”
“I could?”
“There have been many times when one writer will help another’s own tale, or when their words will give another a spark of inspiration. Miss Yearling, in fact, was inspired to try her hoof at writing after reading Drifting Down the Lazy River and the Dragon King series.”
“Huh. So, I can help others while they help me?”
Celestia smiled and nodded. “The same principle works well in government, too.”
“That makes sense,” he replied with a sigh. “I still feel a bit nervous about showing off my work, though.”
“It is difficult to expose that part of you, I will agree. It is because this is something personal, something that you have offered from your heart and soul. It is a risk you will take as a writer, and it is a virtual guarantee that somepony will outright hate your work. But you cannot improve if you do not try, and even in failure, you can learn.”
Bean nodded while he mulled over his wife’s words. “You are right, as always. Have you ever considered a secondary career as a motivational speaker?”
“I hope I am motivational all the time.”
“You certainly are for me,” Bean replied with a growing smile. “And now, I do believe I am motivated to eat.”
* * ✹ * *
Bean held his papers a little closer to his chest, and his eyes drifted over the various booths and tables that meandered throughout the Grand Ballroom of the convention center. He was still eager to peruse the offerings of the various vendors, of course, but there was no denying that he was having second thoughts about letting another pony read his mush.
“Where shall we begin, my love?” Celestia asked, while her eyes swept over the offerings as well.
“I’m not sure. I think maybe over there?” He replied with a nod over towards the far end of the hall.
“You’re nervous about letting somepony else read your work, aren’t you?”
“Ah! You said the word!” Bean gasped before laughing with her. “All right, yes. I am. I mean, it’s one thing to let you read it. You love me, and you’ve always been super kind and nice about correcting my mistakes. I guess I worry that other ponies won’t be like that.”
“It is possible,” Celestia replied with a wise and understanding nod. “Each pony is free to evaluate your work in their own way, but you are also free to withhold your work from them. If you do not wish to, then I will say nothing more on the matter.”
Bean drew in a long breath, then exhaled quickly. “No. I trust you, and since you believe it would be good for me to let others look at my work, I will do it. Just hold me when I start crying, ok?”
“I’ll hold you anyway,” she replied with a quick kiss, “and I’ll banish anypony who speaks ill of your work to a prison in the Everfree Forest that I will construct for that express purpose.”
“I feel bad for that pony,” Bean offered while looking over the hall again. “So, who would do well in prison? Let’s see.”
They both then began walking through the crowd and among the booths with no clear purpose. Bean wasn’t even really sure what he was looking for, but it seemed like he would know it when he saw it, whatever ‘it’ was.
The convention did seem to hold just about everything a pony could need for writing, however one interpreted that, and Bean found himself awash in pencil and paper suppliers, binding companies, publishing houses, illustrators, promoters, agents, and even a pulp-to-paper conversion company. There didn’t appear to be any rhyme or reason to the layout or the setup of the booths, and it was a bit hard at times to tell who was selling what. Bean was grateful that the ponies they were mingling with didn’t seem to be too overawed by his wife’s presence. Most ponies simply offered a courteous dip of their head before attempting to sell their wares when the two of them approached a booth and looked over the offering.
Bean then came to a stark realization: this was going to take quite some time. Celestia was making a clear point of visiting every booth, in what was, presumably, an effort not to play favorites or to give one pony the advantage of claiming to have caught her eye, so it was a bit of a slog while they both moved from one pony to another. He did have to admit it was quite informative, and he was learning quite a bit about books and publishing as he went along, but he was a bit disheartened to see there were no proofreaders or editors within sight.
After a couple of hours of this, however, Bean was finally rewarded for his patience. Contrary to his prior assessment, there was a method to the madness in the hall; they had started in the publishing section and were now wandering towards the editors. Bean felt his apprehension and his excitement begin to notch up when the first proofreader came into view, and he began shuffling his papers while they walked up to the booth.
“Didn’t spend much money on his display, did he?” Bean remarked. The tanish yellow pony—who was standing quickly and looking a bit pleased with their approach—was behind what appeared to be a large cardboard box, with the simple statement of Frank appraisal of your work(s) : 2 Bits scrawled across the front in bold, black letters.
“Perhaps not, but it is effective,” Celestia replied. “I believe he shall give you an honest review.”
“Your Highnesses, good afternoon!” the vendor proclaimed with a deep bow. “Thank you for coming here today, and for your interest in my services. Do you have something to me to review for you? I would love to look over your work.”
Bean hesitated, but after catching an encouraging smile from Celestia he took another deep breath and slowly handed over his bundle of papers.
“I’ve got a few stray ideas in there, and the beginnings of a book that I want to write. Celestia has been helping me, but I would like to get the opinions of others. I doubt it’s very good, though.”
“Well, let me see,” the vendor replied with a quick glance at the middle of the pile. “If Celestia has been helping you then I would bet it’s practically perfect in every way.”
“Just a moment,” Celestia interrupted. “Your… box, I suppose, says that your services cost two bits.”
“For Your Highnesses, I can waive that fee. It’s no problem.”
“No, I insist,” Celestia replied, and two bits appeared with a flash of her magic. “It is always important to pay for the services one receives. What is your name, good sir?”
“I’m Quibble Pants, Princess.”
“And what are your qualifications?”
“I’m so glad you asked! I hold a master’s degree from the Baltimare School of Modern Art in Equish with an emphasis in Journalism, and I am currently employed at Hoofton Muffin as a secondary adjunct editor. I am also the president of the Daring Do Fan Club Local 4077, and I’m a voracious writer of high quality fan fiction, if I do say so myself. I’ll show you some of my work, if you’d like.”
“Perhaps you can send a sample home with us,” Celestia replied with a kind note in her words. “Now, what can you tell us about Prince Bean’s writing?”
“Excuse me, Princess?” a guard cut in.
“Yes, Corporal?”
“Miss Inkwell needs to borrow you for one moment for some kind of authorization.”
“Duty calls, eh?” Bean offered with a nip of her neck.
“As always. This should only take a moment, though. I’ll be right back.”
Bean nodded before turning back to Quibble. “So, what do you think?”
“Well, let me see,” Quibble replied while his eyes began darting over the first page.
“Be honest, please. Don’t hold back just because I’m the Prince.”
“Hey, if I advertise frank assessments, then a frank assessment is what you’ll get,” he retorted. “Huh. So, I guess this is a description of the train station in Canterlot. Why did you write it?”
“I was going to submit it as a tour guide description.”
“Huh. Well, it’s not very descriptive, is it?”
“I thought it was,” Bean replied with a lean to look over his words. “What do you mean?”
“You want this to be in one of those little booklets, right? Well, this is more like an encyclopedia entry. I mean, if I wanted a physical description of the building this would be adequate, but it doesn’t really motivate me to go visit the terminal.”
“So, what could I do to make it better?”
“I would start with being more descriptive. Show me, don’t tell me, in essence. Make me see it, give me a reason to keep reading and to be interested. Write to your audience. Since this is for a tourist, you want to paint the scene for them in vibrant colors, give them a reason to come visit.” Quibble quickly grabbed a pencil and a loose piece of paper from somewhere behind his box. “Here, something like this:
“If one wishes to make the pilgrimage to the shining city of Canterlot then they must first pass through the gateway that is The Grand Station.” Quibble wrote as fast as he spoke, and Bean was impressed that he could do both at the same time. “If the Castle is the head, one will quickly be forced to say that the bustling station is the beating heart, with more than two dozen tracks converging to bring the very lifeblood of this city; the ponies of Equestria.
“Those who do deign to visit this premier hub will have a view that the everyday commuter is scarcely aware of, provided they take the time to appreciate the grandiose vaulted ceilings, with their panes of marigold tinted glass framed by girders of solid steel closing overhead, sealing in the sounds of the city in motion.
“The walls themselves appear to be a plain red brick, mortared with white, but a keen eye will appreciate how an old classic will always work to fill the need of sturdy architecture. Even the perfectly sheened marble floors appear to keep deep secrets. It is only in the early hours of the morning, when one’s hoofsteps can be heard bouncing off the walls and echoing back to the walker in a sort of unseen tennis match, that one could possibly find the hidden meaning of life itself.”
“Wow,” Bean remarked in awe. “That’s really good.”
“It’s a start,” Quibble replied while he looked over the words. “But I’d probably go through and then try to play up the hidden elements, like the ceiling for example. Always try to go over your work two or three times, even if you have an editor, but then step away from it for a little bit and then look it over again. You’ll see things you missed the first time around that way.”
“I hadn’t thought of that.” Bean continued to scan the new description in a deeply contemplative state. “How hard is it to find a good editor?”
“You’re in the right place for a start.” Quibble smirked. “Just ask around. I don’t think it’ll be much of a problem for you.”
Bean gave a quick laugh. “Probably not.”
“Fillies and Gentlecolts, gather ‘round!” a bombastic voice suddenly flooded the hall. “It’s just about time for another demonstration! Hurry, hurry, it’s standing room only, my friends!”
Quibble let out a deeply annoyed groan. “This pony again? I was hoping he’d packed up and left by now.”
“Who is it?” Bean asked with a glance around the hall.
“A fat headed unicorn named Flam. He’s peddling some sort of document editing machine. I think it’s a bunch of smoke and mirrors, but nopony will listen to me.”
“Flam? Seems like I’ve heard that name before.” Bean rubbed his chin. “I’ll be right back. I’d like to go see what he’s got.”
“No problem, I’ll look over the rest of your papers in the meantime.”
Bean nodded quickly and trotted over towards a brightly lit stage that he was pretty sure hadn’t been there when he had first entered the hall. A sizeable crowd was already standing around and gawking at the metallic monstrosity that occupied the greater portion of the elevated platform, and Bean had to admit it looked rather shiny.
“I hope he picks my story this time!” a pink unicorn announced with barely contained excitement from his side. “I want to see what it says I need to fix.”
“Fix?” Bean repeated, but his question went unanswered when a yellow unicorn in a striped vest, straw hat and handlebar moustache proudly pranced out onto the stage.
“Fillies and Gentlecolts, old and young, one and all! I am the Fabulous Flam, and you are all now about to witness one of the greatest marvels of our modern era! I have here a device, a wondrous machine, a technological breakthrough that will revolutionize writing forever!”
“Revolutionize writing, hm?” Bean muttered to himself.
“That’s right, my friends, this device here will solve all of your editorial problems, once and for all!” The snazzy salespony gave the device a quick pat of the hoof. “By utilizing the latest and greatest proprietary mechanics, this humble little machine can make any document divine, any novella a novelty, and any story shine! Simply feed any writing that needs a little fix-me-up into the slot right here, and within just a few moments, you will have yourself one professionally edited document for your publication pleasure!”
“Huh, that would be amazing if it worked.”
“Now, I know what you’re all thinking,” Flam swept a hoof dramatically before the crowd, “it’s one thing to say, but what about the actual do? Well, good friends, have no fear! I am prepared to offer an extended demonstration of this delightful device, for the nominal cost of just five bits! That’s right, for a mere pittance and in a fraction of the time of a ‘professional’ editor,” and he made a great show about making air quotes with his hooves, “the Editing Emulsifier Two Thousand can give you—yes, even you—the high quality results your hard work deserves. Now, who would like to go first?”
“Me!” the pink unicorn beside Bean sprang up and rushed the stage. “Do mine! Please, please, please?!”
“My good filly, it would be a delight!” Flam said with a grin that was a little bit too sincere, and he swiftly took both the bundle of papers and the payment from the eager participant. “Now, we simply feed your papers into the slot on the side, and watch the Editing Emulsifier Two Thousand do its thing!”
“Ooh, I can’t wait!”
A great deal of clanking and whirring emitted from the contraption once the papers had been fed in. Gears ground, pistons pumped, steam whooshed, and an impressive display of arcing electricity danced in the vacuum tubes that adorned the top of the device. It only took a minute or so of this before the papers emerged from the other side, and the young volunteer giggled madly as she looked over the results.
“Oh!” she exclaimed. “I never even saw that! This is amazing!”
Several more ponies then pressed forward, each clamoring to have their own work run through the machine and without a thought to the price. Flam graciously took the bits while calling for calm, but his smooth movements suddenly paused when he found a certain yellow prince standing before him in the crowd with a scowl.
“So, what are the limitations of this machine?” Bean asked flatly.
“Limits, my Prince?” Flam replied with a grand bow. “Why, there is no limit at all! Any written word can be sent through the Editing Emulifi—”
“Yeah, great.” Bean cut him off. “But how does it work, exactly?”
“It works quite admirably, my Prince!” Flam replied with a grand motion towards his device. “Why, the Editing Emulsifier Two Thousand can even autocorrect those stuffy laws you find yourself battling day in and day out!”
“Right. Say, where is your brother?”
“Flim?” Flam replied, and he swept his hat off and placed it over his heart. “I am pleased to report I have parted ways with my rather dubious brother, good Sire. I am on the straight and narrow, a path that my brother never cared to tread. I assure you my intents are pure.”
“Oh, is that so?” Bean mulled this for a moment. “And do you guarantee the results of this thing?”
“Of course! The results of the Editing Emulsifier Two Thousand are bona fide certified to be accurate and honest.”
“Ah, well. That’s good to hear,” Bean replied with a sigh of relief. “So, surely you won’t mind if Princess Celestia looks over the results of your machine?”
Flam’s eyes shrank to pinpricks. “P-p-princess Celestia?”
“That is what most ponies call me,” the Princess replied while walking up behind her husband. A soft smile was offered to the pink unicorn before she continued. “What is your name, my little pony?”
“Feather Duster, Your Highness.”
“May I see what corrections the machine suggested?”
“Sure! Here!” She offered the papers with a slight squeal. “Princess Celestia is looking over my story!”
“Oh, Mister Flam!” Bean called out. “Where are you going?”
Sergeants Pokey and Clover were more than happy to block Flam’s attempt at a stage right retreat. A silent glare made the salespony gulp, and Bean could only imagine he would rather be anywhere but there.
“I was simply going to, um, step aside for a moment, you know, while—”
“Say, while we have a moment, let me ask you something,” Bean hopped up onstage and faced the moustache. “Four years ago, you and your brother were in the dishwasher business, right?”
“I do believe we were, Your Highness.”
“And in that self same year, you and your brother visited the small hamlet of Salt Lick, did you not?”
“We may have,” he replied with a nervous tug on his collar.
“What was that dishwasher called again? The Squeaky Clean Auto… something?”
“—Automated Liquid Dishwasher Unit 3000.”
“Ah yes, the S.C.A.L.D.U. That’s the one.” Bean rubbed the inner part of his left foreleg at the particularly rueful memory. “I remember you told my father that it was called the ‘three thousand’ because it could do three thousand pieces in an hour.”
“Now, see, that was an upper limit. It was never—”
“Funny thing about that machine of yours. It sprayed cold water around pretty well, and it hummed a nice little tune while it did so.”
“I believe it is rather difficult to wash dishes adequately with cold water alone,” Celestia offered without taking her eyes off the paper in front of her.
“Nigh impossible, really. Oh, the pressure took off the larger particles, but we found that ponies really didn’t like tasting the prior meal, and the health inspector wasn’t very keen on the lack of sanitary scrubbing. A failing grade is bad for business, you know.”
“Ah, well that would be another one of my brother’s unscrupulous cutting of corners.”
“It wasn’t much of a dishwasher, but it sure did a wonderful job cleaning the floors, and the walls, and the ceiling, and me, when the water temperature went high enough to make the hoses burst. I suppose we should have realized the thing would live up to its name. I think I still might be missing a patch of fur on my right hock from the incident.”
“Your Highness, while I sympathize with your plight, the S.C.A.L.D.U. was delivered in pristine condition, and I have no way to verify that it was installed properly. The defects you mentioned most likely arose due to operator error, incorrect installation, and/or a possible cross of the streams.”
“Oh, really?” Bean replied. “Well, then, I guess the four appliance repairponies and the six plumbers we contacted to get your lemon working again were all wrong in their universal denouncement of the construction of your contraption? We kept the repair bills and their written assessments, so perhaps once we look those over you can tell me what happened, right?”
Bean imagined it was rare for Flam to be at a loss for words.
“Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, why don’t we try this again: how does this editing machine work?”
“A most worthy question,” Celestia replied, and she joined her husband’s side with a matching scowl. “The first page of this document is only half correct in the errors it indicates, but every page after that is meaningless red marks. Please open up the machine and allow us to see what makes it work.”
Bean could see the look of utter defeat in Flam’s eyes while he slowly pulled on the top corner of the device. The whole side wall was gently folded down, and once Bean got a good look at the inner works, he gasped in delight.
“Why, Mister Flim!” he greeted the bashfully smiling unicorn. “What a completely expected surprise to find you in there!”
* * ✹ * *
As it turned out, the latest Flim Flam scam was rather novel, if somewhat poorly executed. A thorough search of the fraudulent contraption revealed a high-quality camera, dozens of rolls of film—some exposed and some not—a case of red pencils, and one twin brother. The plan was simple: Flim would take the papers, quickly photograph the pages, and then give the first page of whatever had been submitted a quick edit before scribbling on the other pages with red pencil, then feed the ‘fixes’ back out. Once the convention was over, the brothers had planned to recreate the works from the photographs and present them as their own for publication. Had they been successful, they could have been set for years in royalties alone.
But it had all been undone by one meddling Bean and his Princess, too.
In the end, the brothers refunded the cost of their ‘edits’, watched as their film was cheerfully pulled out and tossed around like streamers by the guards with whoops of childlike delight, and then sent on their way to Salt Lick—with supervision—to refund the cost of the S.C.A.L.D.U. to Duke Garbanzo.
Bean was annoyed and disappointed when he found he had missed A.K. Yearling’s speech while sorting all of this out, but he did feel a bit better when he and Celestia entered one of the private rooms to await Miss Yearling’s visit. It was a fair consolation prize, and perhaps he could get a transcript of what she had told the crowd. She was bound to have a few pointers he could use to help his own writing.
“So, what did they need your authorization for?” Bean asked his love while they waited.
“Wysteria was able to locate a full set of the Daring Do series for sale, and she needed my approval to purchase them. It’s another one of those silly laws that I need to revise, the number of bits that Wysteria is allowed to spend in my behalf is set too low.”
“How many ‘silly laws’ are there that need to be fixed?”
“I’m inclined to say all of them,” she replied with a snort of amusement. “But now you can read the whole series at your leisure. Perhaps Miss Yearling will even be kind enough to autograph them for you.”
“Well, thank you,” he replied with a quick nip of her neck. “We’ll call them an early birthday present.”
“Is your birthday coming up?” she asked with a small squee of delight.
“Amusingly enough, it’s exactly two weeks after yours.”
“Ah!” Celestia cheered with a nuzzle for him. “That makes it easy to remember then, doesn’t it?”
“That it does,” he replied with a hum of satisfaction, while returning the nuzzle.
They shared a quick kiss when the door swung open, and Bean was a bit disappointed with the first impression of the venerable A.K. Yearling. She seemed timid and meek, her steps were quiet and thoughtful, and her eyes swept over the room in what appeared to be concern from behind her red-rimmed glasses.
“Miss Yearling, thank you so much for meeting with us on such short notice,” Celestia warmly offered as the door shut. “I trust things have been well for you as of late?”
Bean sat up a bit straighter. Now that it was just her and them, Miss Yearling’s demeanor had perked up noticeably, and a playful twinkle was dancing in her eyes. What was going on?
“Never better, Princess, never better.”
“I’m glad to hear that. Allow me to introduce you to my husband, if I may. Miss Yearling, this is Prince Baked Bean, and Bean, this is Miss Yearling. However, you may also know her by her more popular alias:”
Miss Yearling then whipped off her shawl and hat with a dramatic swoop, and her glasses were tossed to one side with a quick shake of her head.
“Daring Do, at your service,” Miss Yearling grandly finished, and with a bow. “It’s an honor to meet you, Your Highness.”
“Wait, wait, wait.” Bean shook his head to try and help him process what he had just seen. “Daring Do is real?”
“As real as you are, my Prince,” Celestia began to gently explain, “and her novels are not fiction. The stories are real-life events.”
“All that stuff really happened?!” Bean replied in awe.
“I might add a few embellishments here and there,” Daring Do replied with a short laugh, “but only to enhance the story. Otherwise, yes, everything you read is true.”
“Wow. I really need to read them now.”
“You haven’t read my books?” Daring replied in shock.
“That’s going to change pretty quickly, I assure you.”
“Huh. Been a long time since I’ve met a pony who doesn’t know my stories inside and out.”
“Your first book came out during a difficult point in my beloved’s life,” Celestia replied. “He wasn’t able to fully appreciate the tale.”
“Fair enough.” Daring shrugged. “I’m afraid I do need to make this quick, Princess. I’m due for a book signing in an hour across town.”
“Of course. What do you have to share with us?”
Bean was then privy to one of the greatest meetings he had ever had the pleasure to sit through. Daring Do laid out the main points of her latest struggle against the dreaded but somewhat dim-witted Ahuizotl and his minions, and how she had managed to claim the fabled Bridle of Athena just before the Temple of Themys had caved in on itself. It was unclear if Ahuizotl had been crushed in the collapse, but both Celestia and Daring were of the opinion that he most likely had survived and would be back to cause more havoc.
“Good villains never really disappear, I’ve noticed,” Bean added once the tale had been told. “But I guess that means you’ll never have a shortage of stories to write.”
“That is one perk, but I really wouldn’t mind if he’d lay off the apocalyptic plans for world domination for a while,” Daring replied with an annoyed huff.
“Is there anything that we can do to assist you in your endeavors?” Celestia asked. “I can have a company of guards sent up to help patrol the jungle, if you’d like.”
“Nah, that’s ok.” Daring waved a dismissive hoof. “I got this. There’s no need to tie up valuable resources with the likes of Ahuizotl.”
“Very well,” Celestia replied with a nod. “But please remember that the offer stands. I am more than happy to send whatever resources I can to help you in your quests.”
“I’ll keep that in mind, and thank you. I’ll be sure to contact you immediately if I do need reinforcements.”
“I appreciate that. However, our time is nearly spent, and I would hate to keep you from your fans.”
“Yeah, I should be going,” Daring agreed while donning her shawl and glasses again. “My agent will have a fit if I’m late.”
“Thank you for your time, Miss Do,” Bean added. “But before you go, could I ask a quick favor?”
Daring Do chuckled with Celestia. “You bet. Do you have a quill?”
* * ✹ * *
“‘To Baked Bean, never give up on your writing dreams. You can go far if you’ll only try.’”
“A wise statement,” Celestia offered while she settled in and draped her wing over him.
“It is. I can’t help but wonder what other surprises you have in store for me, though.”
“They wouldn’t be much of a surprise if I told you, now would they?” Celestia laughed.
“I suppose not,” he added with a matching chuckle. “Would you like me to read to you?”
“I would love that, my Bean.” Celestia gave him a quick nuzzle and a nip of his ear. “The story will undoubtedly come to life with your voice as the narrator.”
“You can give me some acting lessons next, if not,” he replied with a warm smile. “Let’s see. ‘Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone,’ by A.K. Yearling. Wait, have I been saying it wrong this whole time?”
Celestia smiled while her magic pulled her copy of the story from a nearby bookshelf. “A.K. Yearling first published the Sapphire Stone in Trottingham with the title of the Sapphire Statue, as you can see on my copy. When it was published here, the title was changed. Both are correct.”
“Phew, ok,” he replied. “Nothing worse than getting the title of a book wrong, is there?”
“Indeed not,” Celestia chuckled, and both of them hummed while she rested her head on his.
“Let’s see. ‘Chapter 1: The Pegasus Who Lived. It was a dark and stormy night…’”
Baked Bean slid out of his chambers, across the hall, and into the opposing wall with a satisfying splat. His hooves skittered on the marble floors in a desperate attempt to get moving, and it took an unseen nudge from the butt of the nearby guard’s spear to get him reacquainted with traction.
He was late.
“Curse you, Daring Do,” Bean grumbled while he finally got moving up to a dead run. “Celly is gonna have me drawn and quartered and turned into glue. Maybe she’ll be nice and turn my tail into a violin bow, at least.”
Where had it all gone wrong for him? Was it when the bits had been exchanged in Fillydelphia for a pristine, never-before-opened set of the Daring Do anthology, or perhaps the fateful moment had been when Miss A.K. ‘Daring Do Is A Real Pony, By The Way’ Yearling had put her personalized touch on the title page?
Maybe it had been when he’d started reading to Celestia last night. He’d kept on reading long after she had slid into slumber, and when he’d awoken the next morning, he started right where he’d left off.
That was most likely how it had happened, and then it had cascaded on from there. Celestia had gotten ready for the day while he had read, and with a skillful deployment of the dreaded puppy dog eyes and a soft “just one more chapter, please?” he had managed to keep reading. One chapter, however, had turned into one book later, and now he was two hours late for the subcommittee meeting that he’d promised to be on time to.
Bean hit a corner at full speed during this musing, but his attempt to power slide around was a miserable failure and he managed to ricochet off of two successive pillars with his legs flailing in the air before getting upright again. This was not a good way to begin the day, and he hoped this was not a harbinger of things to come.
He slammed into another wall and narrowly missed a guard as he rounded the final bend and saw the door that lead to his intended target. Success! Celestia would still probably give him a stern look and then lecture him later about being punctual, but that would be preferable to not showing up at all.
When Bean was about eight years old, his mother had suffered a serious fall in the kitchen area of the Zürst and was out of commission for two months. The incident prompted Garbanzo to install slip-resistant flooring in the high risk areas around the preparation stations and stoves, and it had been agreed by all that the working area had been made safer by doing so. This had lead to Bean using the floor as a natural braking mechanism during his many failed attempts at cooking while rushing around, so he still expected the same results when he slammed all four hooves to the ground to stop himself now.
It was just then that he caught sight of a janitor, just to his right, who was whistling a merry melody while he buffed the floor, and Baked Bean imagined he felt the same amount of shock that the staffer was showing while he realized what was coming. Bean’s hooves flailed as he desperately tried to find something that would halt his forward momentum, but inertia was decidedly against such nonsense and was far more interested in sending him face first into the door.
Bean managed to prevent his nose from suffering a rather painful boop by throwing his front hooves in front of him at the last moment. He collided at full speed with the oakwood separator of rooms, but then found that he somehow had enough momentum to proceed through the unlocked entryway and into the room. The edge of a finely lacquered cherry wood table finally brought a halt to his skid, but he quickly popped up after he’d been leveled and dove into the conveniently empty chair that was next to him.
“Oh yeah,” he groaned, but then he smiled bashfully while he rubbed his ribs with a hoof and made an attempt at catching his breath. “My apologies, everypony, for being late. I’m afraid I got wrapped up in a good book.”
“Forgive me, Prince Bean, but I didn’t know you were scheduled to attend this meeting with us.”
Bean’s eyes shrank to pinpricks. That was not Celestia’s voice. It was too deep, too masculine.
This was the wrong meeting.
“We are, of course, honored to have you here, my Prince.” Blueblood offered from Bean’s left. “I’m sure your insights will be of great benefit in helping us settle this rather difficult dispute.”
Bean’s mind raced for a moment as he tried to recall the itinerary that Wysteria had gone over with them this morning. Curse you, Daring Do! He’d been so absorbed in reading The Griffon’s Goblet that he hadn’t heard most of what she’d said. There was the subcommittee meeting, and several schools were scheduled to tour the palace today, and… what else?
No more books in the morning for him, he decided.
“Now, shall we resume?” Blueblood turned to a gray, gruff, and burly pony on his left that had day old stubble on his chin and a yellow hard hat. “I believe we were negotiating dental benefits, were we not?”
“Yeah. We’re not budging on this. We have to have the orthodontia limits increased.”
“I’m afraid that is just not feasible,” a blue pony in a suit and tie across from him replied. “The tertiary costs alone will drive up premiums to a level that you have stated previously to be unacceptable.”
It was going to be a long morning.
* * ✹ * *
“Now I want everypony to stay close together!” Cheerilee called out to her class while doing a quick headcount. “As you can see, today is a very busy day here in the palace, and I don’t want anypony getting lost. Do you all have your buddies?”
“Yes, Miss Cheerilee,” her class droned back.
“Good. No matter what, stay with your buddy, all right? If we should happen to get separated, stay where you are and with your buddy, and either I will find you or one of the nice Royal Guardsponies will help you to find us.”
“What if the Princess finds us first?” Scootaloo asked.
“I’m pretty sure you can trust Princess Celestia,” Cherilee laughed.
“D’ya think we’ll meet her today?” Applebloom looked upwards, seemingly in the hope of watching her arrive right at that very moment.
“I wouldn’t count on it, but you never know,” Cheerilee replied while motioning with her hoof for her class to follow her. “She is very busy with her duties, after all. I’m not even sure she is in Canterlot right now.”
“Well, it’s not like we haven’t met her before,” Sweetie Belle observed. “She’s been to Ponyville a dozen times, at least.”
“Pretty impressive, eh?” Scootaloo remarked, her wings buzzing slightly in excitement, as she gave a shove to a blue colt who was lagging towards the back of the huddle. “Ponyville may not be Manehattan, but we sure got on the map when Rainbow Dash and her friends started saving Equestria.”
If the newest addition to little school house was impressed, he didn’t show it. If anything, the cheerful bragging of his fellow student seemed to have the opposite effect. He seemed almost rigid, taut like a bowstring. What movement he made was that of someone expecting to be attacked, but remaining aloof and cool about it.
“Have you ever seen the Princess, Flint?” His ‘buddy’ for the day, a little grey unicorn filly chirped from his side.
His gaze went further distant, as if he was remembering something, before his amber eyes fell on the filly. “Once,” he practically hissed.
“She is so cool, isn’t she?” The filly bounced in place in excitement. “Do you think we will see her?”
“I only hope I have something to throw if we do,” he snarled under his breath.
“Like… flowers?” She wondered.
“Or a brick. But I suppose some in a vase will suffice.” The little stallion’s posture remained unwavering, completely lacking the carefree nature of his classmates, making him altogether… unnatural.
“Oooookay.” This answer puzzled the filly known as Dinky Hooves, like much of how her new classmate talked. But Flint was new, and her mommy always said that she needed to treat new ponies in the community like how she would want to be treated.
“Everypony, follow me please!” Cheerilee called out. “We are going to begin our tour with the throne room, and then we’ll move on towards the Grand Ballroom, with a quick peek into one of the conference rooms. From there, we’ll move out into the gardens, and I expect you to be on your best behavior.”
Cheerilee’s gaze was squarely on three blank flanked fillies, and all three found the marble floor beneath their feet to be the most interesting thing in the world at that moment. Sweeping ahead, Cheerilee led her little throng of eager minds. This would be her eighth trip to the palace—fifth one as a teacher—and while she did feel this class was a hoof full at times, she had faith that a brisk pace and a packed schedule would prevent any chance for mischief.
Like dutiful ducks, the fillies and colts filed after her as the tour proper began, save one. The pony known by most as Flint Hearthstone further glowered as he glanced around the immaculate perfection around him, and he couldn’t help but blanch at it all.
How long did it take you to build these spires, so arrogantly confident that no one would dare have them crash down and make them your tomb? The polished gilding and decadence about him only fueled his disgust. If I still had my old form I would burn this obelisk of your pride, and send the ruin smashing down into the valley below.
His gaze drifted to the floor, and an unbidden but not unwelcome snarl emerged from his throat. Anypony else looking with him would of seen a mirror image of a grumpy looking colt taking in his own visage. But the child saw more, as he always did. He saw the visage of the soul that was now bound to this scrawny meat sack, his massive scaled hide stretching across the vast floor, his wings spreading far beyond the bounds of the hallway, his steel talons clenching the marble, yearning to crush it into powder, his fangs glistening in the sunlight that drifted in through the window. His eyes remained the same, the same burning amber fire that had failed to extinguish over a millennia ago, when the sisters had seemingly slain him with that rock from the aether above. Yet he lived, he breathed. At the cost of nearly a thousand years, and—
“Heelllooo?”
With a start, Flint’s gaze went back to the present.
“Hey? Get stuck on something shiny?” Dinky asked as she tilted her head.
Flint only offered a harrumph as he plodded forward, practically stomping, as if he were much heavier. Dinky simply shrugged at her buddy’s actions before bounding off to catch up with him and the rest of the class.
You have grown careless in your centuries, witch, Flint groused while he moved forward. Had I been in your stead, I would know you were here by now and I would have dispatched you, and any of those you were with.
Flint then stopped. A spiral staircase off to one side was unguarded, save for a thick velvet rope held aloft by two brass stands. Ideas began to form and churn within his head, and after a moment, a wicked smile began to appear.
“Woah, you smile?” Dinky asked.
“Only when I have a reason to. Tell me, Dinky, what do you think is up that staircase?”
“I dunno,” she shrugged again. “I suppose that’s where the private bedrooms and stuff are.”
“I do believe you are right, and all of the sudden, I feel a burning need to introduce myself to ‘Princess’ Celestia. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”
“Well, yeah, but we’re supposed to stay with Miss Cheerilee.”
“Then stay with her. I’m going.” Flint began to march over to the stairs. “Don’t come looking for me.”
Dinky twisted her head back between the rapidly retreating class and the departing Flint. She knew she shouldn’t wander off, but she had been told to stay with her buddy.
“Flint, wait!” she finally called out, and her hooves scampered across the floor. “I’m coming too!”
There was an audible groan, and Flint’s shoulders slumped for a moment. “Dinky, if you get in my way …”
“Oh, I won’t get in the way. I wanna meet the Princess too.”
Flint rolled his eyes, but he realized this could be advantageous. Dinky was naive and young, and she would most likely remain unaware of his true motives. She could also perform the part of a lookout, not that he needed one, and at the very least he could probably devise some reason to get rid of her once he figured out where Celestia was.
“Flint, do you think we’ll meet Prince Bean too?”
“Prince Bean?” he asked. His mind took a moment to recall that detail, but then he sneered. As he was now, he stood no chance at striking a direct blow to the white witch. But the heart was one of the most sensitive parts of a pony, after all…
“I think there could be a very good chance of that, Dinky. In fact, I think I’d like to meet him first. I haven’t had the chance to introduce myself to him yet.”
* * ✹ * *
Well, that was two hours of Bean’s life that he’d never get back.
Bean took a moment to stretch his right leg once he’d exited the room, and he rubbed his still-sore ribs. He’d hit the table with quite a bit of velocity, and he was going to be feeling that impact for a few more days.
But, at least the negotiations had been concluded, and with most everypony happy with the end result. Bean didn’t believe he had been much help during the discussions, but it did seem like his presence had kept tempers from flaring out of control, and perhaps a few concessions had been made that might not otherwise have been. He had been impressed with how Blueblood had handled both himself and the negotiations, and he had wondered once or twice if he could ever reach that level of skill. He was sure Celestia would teach him how to do so, of course, but a small part of him was worried that his inability to multitask would hamper his efforts in that regard. There were so many moving pieces in any negotiation, so many ins and outs to keep track of. Even the exact wording and the tone a pony used was important, vital even. The subtle clues that all ponies gave off had clearly shown Blueblood where to press and where to relax.
He shook his head and began walking back towards his room. There was no point in worrying about such things now, he had a wife to apologize to. He didn’t think she’d be mad at him, but she probably would be disappointed. He wasn’t looking forward to her inevitable lecture, but he knew he needed to take it and to learn from the incident.
But for now, he really wanted some food. He would most likely find his beloved in the dining room, ordering lunch, and the thought of a hearty meal did pick up his spirits some. His stomach had protested the lack of breakfast throughout the meeting, and a nice dandelion salad sounded rather good at the moment.
“Good morning, sir,” Sergeant Clover offered to him with a quick salute.
Bean let out a small startled gasp. “How long have you been there?”
“This whole time, sir.”
“I am both reassured and a little scared that you managed to hide out like that.”
“It’s part of the job, sir,” she smirked. “How was your meeting? It took me a moment to figure out where you went.”
“Long, but beneficial I think. Maybe I should crash in on the wrong meeting more often.”
“I think you might want to just walk in on them, sir. You won’t bruise as many ribs that way.”
“You make a very valid point,” he replied, but then he noticed something was a bit off about the guard standing next to Clover. “You’re not Sergeant Pokey, are you?”
“SIR, NO SIR!” the guard bellowed with as much force as she possibly could. “Private Lemon Tart, at your service sir!”
“Private Tart is fresh out of Basic, sir,” Sergeant Clover explained with a slight sigh while Bean rubbed his ears. “Top of her class, high marks in aerial maneuvers and close-range combat technique. The top five cadets out of basic are rewarded with the opportunity to guard either Princess for a few days, but Lieutenant Spear Point agreed to include you as part of that at the request of the cadets. She’s with me until Sergeant Pokey returns from vacation.”
“Well, it’s nice to have you here, Private,” Bean offered. “I’m sure you’ll be a tremendous asset.”
“SIR, THANK YOU, SIR!”
“I gotta give you points for enthusiasm.” Bean rubbed his ears again. “How long will Pokey be out, Clover?”
“Three days, sir. Once he gets back, Tart will be sent off for advanced training, and eventually she’ll be put in the rotation for Princess detail.”
Bean nodded in understanding and turned his attention back to the newbie. “Well, if you’re going to stay with me then we need to establish a few rules.”
“Sir, what rules, sir?!”
“First off, no more shouting. I’m right here. I know drill sergeants love that kind of stuff but I’m not a fan of that so much.”
“Sir, I will tone it down, sir.”
“There we go, I like that,” Bean replied with a smile. “Second main thing is to relax. You should enjoy this opportunity, and learn as much as you can from Sergeant Clover Leaf. She has a lot of good advice and practical tips she can share with you.”
“Sir, I’ll be sure to ask her lots of questions, sir.”
“Good. Now, I’m hungry, and I really should find my wife. I am willing to bet she wants to know where I got off to. Clover, is there any chance you could go find out where she is for me while I go get something to eat?”
“Sure thing, sir. I need to introduce Tart anyway. I’ll have her rendezvous with you in the dining room.”
Bean nodded to that and then made for the nearest path to the kitchen. He chuckled a bit as his ears focused on the steady din that was invading from the main floor upwards, and from the volume, it sounded like the school tours were a resounding success. Perhaps he could talk Celestia into making an appearance; he was pretty extra sure the little fillies and colts would love to have what could be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to meet her in the flesh.
They might be mildly interested in him, but his beloved would definitely be the focus.
He was grateful that the upper floors had been cordoned off and secured; it made it much easier to procure food, and it was beyond a fair bet to assume that Luna would not appreciate visitors at the moment. He could also imagine the bedlam that would happen if a rather adventurous child did somehow manage to stow away in his own bed.
With a chuckle for such thoughts, Bean pushed the door to the dining room open. At this time of day, the cooks should be barrel deep in their preparations for lunch, and it would probably be twice as bad with the extra visitors around and about today. From what he could see, the clean-up from breakfast had been as efficient as always, and all was peaceful and still, but also Celestia free. Perhaps he could make a reconciliatory lunch for Celestia, to help her forgiveness of his tardiness. It was hard to be mad at a pony who had made something delicious.
However, he found that he was not as alone as he thought he was. A grey unicorn filly was sitting in a chair near one of the ends of the table, an apple in hoof and a happy smile on her face.
“Well, hello there!” Bean smiled while he approached, but he also glanced around. “Who might you be?”
“I’m Dinky,” she stated simply. “Are you Prince Bean?”
“I am. Do your parents work here, sweetie?”
“Nah, my mommy’s a mailmare back home.”
“Ah, I see,” he replied. “And where is that at?”
“Ponyville.”
“Is she here with you on the tour?” he asked gently. Obviously she had gotten lost somehow, but she didn’t seem to be terribly concerned about it. It would only take a moment to reunite her with her mother, or her teacher, and then all would be well.
“No, I’m here with Miss Cheerilee,” she replied while stuffing the core of the apple into her mouth. “Well, me and Flint that is.”
“Oh?” he asked with a chuckle. This little filly was too adorable with her cheeks puffed out from the apple like a chipmunk’s would be. “And where is he at?”
“He’s right behind you.”
“He is?” Bean asked, but when he turned to look something connected with his head, and a field of stars filled his vision for a moment before he blacked out.
* * ✹ * *
Bean groaned as consciousness decided to take a turn with being in charge, and his head throbbed something fierce. “Ooh. What hit me?”
“A frying pan, if you really must know.”
Bean’s ears swiveled to the source of the noise in the darkness. It was a small colt’s voice, yet it held a deep undercurrent of anger, malice, and contempt. Bean had never heard such diametrically opposed tones blended together in such a way, and he attempted to twist his body so as to make a visual connection to this odd finding.
This ended quickly in failure when Bean found he was sitting in a chair and was secured to it with what felt like a strong and lengthy piece of rope. He pulled and tugged for a moment, but the laugh of amused contempt that came from the darkness that surrounded him caused a pause.
“Oh, please. Struggle all you like,” the voice offered. “You have no idea how much I like watching my prey squirm.”
“Who are you? What is going on?” Bean demanded. “Release me right now! When Princess Celestia finds out what you’ve done, you’re going to be in big trouble, young colt!”
“Oh, I’m rather counting on that.” A single light then flicked on over Bean, and he blinked rapidly at the suddenness of it. “In fact, I hope she hurries. I did promised Dinky we would be back in time to tour the gardens.”
“I wanna see the bird fountains!” Dinky’s voice emanated from somewhere.
“Quite. It’d be a shame if she missed out on that, wouldn’t it, Your Highness?”
For some reason, Bean could hear the owner of the voice curl his upper lip into a sneer. And it was not that good of a sneer either.
“Who are you?” Bean repeated. This time, a small blue colt with a blondish-red mane stepped into the light with a smug grin, and in his right hoof he held what appeared to be a skillet.
“Who am I?” he asked. “Well, for starters, I’m the one who beaned you with a frying pan. It’s a little embarrassing to be taken out by just a small little colt like me, isn’t it?”
“That’s not a frying pan.”
The colt blinked once. “What?”
“You took me out with a skillet, not a frying pan. See, a frying pan is shallow, has low sides and a long handle, while a skillet has high sides, is at least two inches deep, has varying lengths of handles, and can have a lid on it. That skillet you’ve got is an Inferno and Rossi, the highest quality cast iron skillet on the market. It’s also heavy as Tartatus, which explains how you managed to knock me out. It really doesn’t take a lot of force with something that heavy—”
“Fascinating!” he snarled, his patience clearly dwindling. “Truly. Had I but known my grievous error I would have hit you harder,” the colt threatened with a forceful tap of Bean’s nose.
“Flint!” Dinky protested. “You said we weren’t going to hurt him!”
“My plans do not require it; that is not to say I won’t.” His teeth curled back in a sneer as his eyes bore into the captured prince.
“C’mon, Flint. Be nice. You said you wanted to meet him, not clobber him.”
Flint rolled his amber eyes. “It’s always been impossible to find good help. This is why I work alone.”
“So, what’s your plan then?” Bean dared to ask. “You obviously foalnapped me…” the mere concept of being napped by actual foals interrupted his thoughts at the irony before he was able to get back on track, “to get at Celestia, but why?”
If Bean didn’t already have a headache, he would have gained one from hearing such a young colt cackle in such a cruelly malicious manner. “My plan is simple, Highness. You are missing, and the ivory sow that you call wife will naturally wonder where you have gotten to. I plan on making her personal acquaintance once she does find her way in here.”
Bean shook his head at the implied threats this little miscreant was spouting. “What in Equestria could Celestia have done to you to warrant all this?”
Flint’s eyes lit up with an inner rage, and his face contorted into a fierce scowl. “What did she do?! I’ll tell you what she did! Her ponies infringed upon my borders; invaded my lands! She dared to challenge my supremacy, and then! Then! She condemns me to this accursed form, a mere shadow of what I once was! I was a King, Lord of all fire drakes! A creature of such horrible glory that all who knew me feared and trembled, but now?! Her sin is condemning me to a body that is subject to her whims and proclamations! I will make her pay for her insolence, and her dark sister as well! They will feel my fury! They will—”
“Flint?” Dinky tapped his shoulder.
“What did I tell you?” His posture did not falter even as his tone fell to a hiss.
“Don’t interrupt when you’re monologuing?”
“And what are you doing?”
Bean could actually see some of the veins in his eyes turn bright red and bulge slightly.
“But it’s an emergency.”
Immediately, his eyes went wide and he spun around, skillet at the ready, only to find nothing.
“No, not that.”
“What then?” he all but roared.
“I need to use the little filly’s room,” she whispered while scratching a hoof on the floor.
Flint went to dumbfounded annoyance with enough speed to shear a tree clean in half. “Didn’t I tell you to go when we got up here?”
“Yeah, but I didn’t have to go then.”
“You’re going to have to hold it. We have to wait here for Celestia.”
Dinky clearly did not like this option. She began to dance slightly with her rear legs crossed, and a whimper eeked out in a rhythmic match to her ‘I need to go now’ shuffle.
“Oh, slag it all!” Flint groaned. “Fine! But make it quick. If we miss Celestia because of this…”
“I’ll be fast, Flint, really!”
From his position in the chair Bean did his best not to laugh at the sheer absurdity of what was going on. He should be afraid, he knew, but this kid was clearly off his nut, and his story might even be true. Magic did tend to do weird things like this. Still, he couldn’t really see a reason to be all that afraid, considering that Celestia had greater reach than this ‘fiend’. For a moment, the amusing image of his wife holding back Flint with one hoof on his forehead while he flailed in vain to hit her crossed his mind, but he decided it would be best not to share his thoughts at the moment.
“Don’t go anywhere, Highness.” Flint cackled back to Bean while the two left.
Bean immediately began to try to extricate himself from his bonds as soon as the door shut. Celestia had mentioned she was going to show what to do if he should ever find himself tied up, but they had not yet gotten to that lesson, much to his detriment. His mind began working furiously as he tried to figure this out, and he wiggled back and forth in an effort to squirm free. His rocking, sadly did little for him other than to nearly send him crashing onto his side.
“Ok, Bean. New strategy,” he muttered. “What else can you do?”
His stomach decided that now was a wonderful time to remind him that it was still empty, but the growling pain gave him an idea. He dropped his head down to the ropes that held his barrel against the chair, and he took a deep sniff.
Hemp rope. Not very tasty, but he could chew through it.
Immediately his teeth went to work. The texture left much to be desired, and it could really use some basil, a dash of allspice, and perhaps even some salt, but it was breaking under his jaw power and that was all he really cared about at the moment. With just a few more snips, he should be able to…
“Don’t break free just yet.”
“Luna?!” Bean squeaked, and he let out a deep sigh of relief when he saw her cyan irises appear a short distance away from him. “You have no idea how happy I am to see you! Quick, help me get untied before that little maniac gets back here!”
“Not yet, Bean,” she admonished. “If he comes back in here and finds you untied, he might do something rash. I will take care of him, trust me. Remain as you are for the moment.”
Bean started to protest, but then he realized what she was saying was true. Luna could ambush Flint if he returned and found nothing amiss. He really wasn’t keen on the idea, but he forced himself to relax.
“Does Celly know what is going on?”
“She does. Now be quiet. He returns.”
Her eyes disappeared, and the door of the room swung open again. Dinky bounded in with a happy little hum, and Flint followed closely behind with something in his hoof. Once the door was secured again, he turned back to Bean and chuckled.
“I’m not sure if I’m impressed or disappointed, Highness. You follow orders well, but you really should have tried to escape. But since we are on a time limit here, I’m afraid we need to expedite things and get that witch of yours up here.”
The thing in Flint’s hoof glinted in the light for a quick moment, but Bean cocked his head to one side once he was able to get a good look at it.
“Is that a potato peeler?”
“Flint couldn’t reach the knives,” Dinky offered.
“Silence!” Flint shouted.
“Well, you couldn’t,” Dinky huffed.
“This works for my needs,” Flint threatened while hopping up on a stool next to Bean. “You’ll scream all the same when your skin is peeled away from your hide, will you not?”
“No,” Bean stated firmly. “Not for a little psycho like you.”
“Let’s find out, shall we—eeee!”
Luna’s magic held Flint aloft in the air while simultaneously separating him from his weapon of fur removal, and a deep frown was on her face when the shadows that had been concealing her dropped from view.
“It has been a long time, King Xedranen,” she offered in a cool and even voice. “You are looking well.”
“RELEASE ME! MOON HAG!” Flint raved while he twisted and churned in her magic. “You and your accursed sister are the reason I’m like this, aren’t you?! I will have my vengeance! I will not sleep until—”
“Sleep.”
Bean blinked in amazement as Flint’s body instantly went limp. “I didn’t know you could do that.”
“It is useful to know how to help a troubled mind return to slumber,” Luna offered.
“You know, for a craven little psychopath, he’s kinda cute when he sleeps,” Bean offered dryly, before breaking the rope with a final snip of his teeth.
“Indeed he is, and he is already dreaming.”
“Really? That can’t be a pretty sight.”
Luna shook her head once with her eyes closed. “Actually, it is quite pleasant. He is dreaming of a picnic. It is a recent one in Manehattan, one with…”
“With who, Lulu?” Celestia asked from behind Bean. He gave a gasp of delight, and the two nuzzed each other affectionately.
“With his parents, his pony parents. Perhaps there may be hope for him yet.”
“Are you alright, my love?” Celestia asked while her magic wrapped around him and began checking for injuries.
“I think I’m fine,” he replied. “Bump on my head, but he bruised my ego mostly.”
“Can we play a different game now?” Dinky pouted from her place in the corner.
* * ✹ * *
Flint blinked a few times as the effects of Luna’s sleep spell began to wear off. He was no longer in the darkened storage room that he had commandeered, but once his eyes focused in on the white tormentor of his existence before him, he completely forgot everything that he had been planning.
“YOU!” he roared with an attempt to fling himself at the focal point of his hatred, but he went nowhere. It was then that he realized he was in the dining room again, and he was being restrained in a high chair, of all things. He growled and pulled at the magical restraints that held him while Celestia watched calmly, but after a few moments of failure he finally stopped and folded his arms tightly.
“Well?” he huffed.
“Well what?” Celestia replied.
“Come on! Do it!”
“Very well, if you insist,” Celestia replied with a deep sigh. She then slowly lifted her right hoof, and…
“Boop,” she giggled.
Flint scrunched up his muzzle and bit at the retreating hoof with an audible chomp. He further writhed against his restraints as well while he attempted to wipe away the offensive moosh of his nose. “ENOUGH! Use your infernal magic, lobotomize me! Render me into one of your simpering fleabags!”
“Hey, this fleabag made cookies,” Bean offered while entering the room with a fresh tray of slightly-steaming goodness in his hot-mitted hooves.
“Are they poisoned?” Flint sneered.
“Chocolate chip, actually.”
“So,” Celestia offered with a calm smile, “I say the four of us should enjoy some fresh cookies and milk, and then we send you and Miss Dinky on your way.”
“Flint, you’ve got to try one!” A milk mustachio’d Dinky offered while holding a round disk of bliss in one hoof, and a glass of perfectly chilled milk in the other. “These things are amazing!”
“You can’t be serious,” Flint replied to the diarch. “You’re letting me go?! Why would you do such a foolhardy thing?”
“Because you are just a child.”
“You dare—”
“You cannot possibly beat me as you are,” Celestia offered with such an unnatural edge in her voice that it made Bean cower slightly. “If I so wished, I could crush you with just a thought. But I will not do that, not to a child. I am not like you.”
It was almost imperceptible, but Bean did catch the slight wince that Flint could not stop.
“I will thus make you this promise before my husband, O fallen Dragon King of Zerilith. In twenty years’ time, I will face you, should you still desire to exact your revenge. Until then, you are free to live your life as you choose. Grow up, grow strong, and make friends. You may find life to be far more fulfilling if you do so.”
Flint snorted derisively at this, but otherwise remained silent. Bean watched as the diminutive overlord pondered this with his eyes downcast for a moment, only for them to flick back up. Despite his wife dwarfing him by hilarious degrees, the colt’s stare flared with an intense energy held behind his amber eyes that was matched by the fire behind Celestia’s own magenta irises.
“I accept.”
“Wonderful. Now, let us celebrate this… blood oath, I suppose, with some chocolate chip goodness.”
* * ✹ * *
“Ok. I know you explained this all to me, but could we run over it again?” Bean asked his beloved while they watched Flint and Dinky walk away under the intense glare and frown of Miss Cheerilee. “I got lost at a few points.”
“Nine year old Flint Hearthstone was once King Xedranen, the self-proclaimed King of all Dragons,” Celestia started. “He was one of the first foes Luna and I squared off against after we came to power, and our efforts to stop his reign of terror at that time nearly cost us our lives. Had we failed, he would have decimated our fledgling kingdom.” Her eyes didn’t leave the retreating sight of her one time enemy, but with him now gone she allowed a shudder loose at the memory. “He was a cunning and formidable foe, and he cared for nothing but his own power and comfort. We were only able to defeat him thanks to a meteor Luna was able to pluck from the heavens. The crater still exists in the Badlands if you would like to see it.”
“That might be interesting, but that also reaffirms my desire never to make your sister mad,” Bean remarked. “What I really don’t understand is how he made it here to our day, and why you’re letting him go if he is such a threat.”
“I do not know how his soul became bound to pony form, but I can only assume that the forces of Harmony have something to do with it. For all of his talk of being a King, he ruled over none and had none to call his own, and I believe his own misery is what fed his anger. He now has the opportunity to try again, to find the magic of friendship. I let him go with the hope that he might be able to find something better than what he had.”
“Do you really think somepony like that has a chance? He seemed pretty set on inflicting harm on you.”
“I believed Discord could be reformed,” she offered with a small smile. “There’s hope for Flint, just as there is for any creature. It will be up to him to choose friendship, of course, but I believe even he has some good in him. We need to look no further than his cutie mark for an indication of what he could be.”
“A dragon and a shield?”
“It’s in the details, love,” she offered. “The dragon was spitting fire, but it was towards the shield. He is meant to be a protector, but the true telling point will be what he places behind the shield. What will be so important that he feels that he needs to protect it from what he once was, or what he thinks he is?”
“I guess that makes sense. Hopefully he chooses well.”
“I have confidence that he will. But what is really troubling you?”
“It’s… well…” he stalled out with shame. “Some Prince I turned out to be. Isn’t it me who is supposed to rescue the damsel from the dragon?”
“I never did care much for those stories. They usually didn’t really reflect reality all too well.”
“No?”
She shook her head gently. “Not at all. My favorite version, in fact, is when the dragon is rescued by the knight.”
Bean tried not to look too surprised while he played the words over in his head. Once he had sifted through her words for sarcasm and came back empty hooved, he dared to look back at her and her smirk.
“True story, I presided at their wedding. They made a lovely donkey and dragon together, and had a fine clutch of dronkies.”
“Now that would be something to see,” he sighed in thought. “I also suppose none of this would have happened if I had been on time this morning.”
“Maybe it was for the best,” she replied with a nip of his ear, “and you’re not the first to get lost in a good book. It will make for a funny story for the kids someday.”
“Kids?”
“You did say Flint was cute when he sleeps,” she replied with a twinkle in her eye. “And your mother still wants grandfoals, after all.”
A month ago the idea of her suggesting offspring would have made him a blushing mess, but between the rough start, the rough meeting, the rough abduction and the attempted potato skin peeling, he was willing to be a bit daring.
“Good point. Come here.”
“W-what?” She leaned away from him with a slightly wild look in her eyes.
“You heard me. C’mere.”
“Bean, we have a meeting in an hour,” she squeaked in a most unprincessly manner while he nipped at her neck, but her smile stuck.
“Yeah we do.” He lunged towards her, only for her to bound up and dodge him. His smile was… predatory. It was thrilling.
She squealed as he pursued her, literally nipping at her heels as they retreated down the hallway.
“Just right,” Luna sighed and she wiggled a bit to settle into the bed of overstuffed pillows. “This little rascal hath been most unruly today.”
“Och, has she now?” Star Struck laughed while throwing another log on the fire.
“Indeed. Come, see for thyself. She stirs now.”
Star Struck eagerly moved over to his wife, and he smiled deeply while watching the swollen belly of his beloved. It only took a moment for her dark coat to pop and wiggle slightly, and when it did, Star chuckled.
“A wee rascal indeed. She must take after her mother.”
“I will banish thee to the darkest cell in the dungeons for thine remarks.”
“And that puts me at, what? Nine times imprisoned now?”
“Ten.”
“Ah, right,” he chuckled again as he watched tiny hooves dance from the inside out. “Ten it ‘tis. Ah should just go for an even eleven.”
“I give thee one week, at most, for that to occur.”
“‘Oy, you hear that?” Star asked Luna’s belly. “Either your Mum has got it out for me, or Ah’m out to get myself. Yer gonna have a felon for a father by the time your born, my wee rascal.”
“Thou shalt be a most charming convict,” Luna replied with half-lidded eyes. “Perhaps thou wilt be able to curry favor with thine captor.”
“Aye, that’d be my only hope.” He lowered himself down to the floor and gave her a gentle kiss. “Ah suppose she might like a rub o’ the wings to start?”
“Perhaps, but later. Let us simply be for this moment.”
“Not gonna be many o’ them once she makes her big arrival, eh?”
“Nay, but I can hardly wait. Mine kidneys will appreciate the cessation of hostilities, and I will have bested my sister yet again.”
Star frowned deeply and sighed. “Ah, Love. Ah do wish you’d stop fighting’ with your sister so much.”
“What? I am married, she is not. I am with foal, and she is barren. I am now two for two.”
“Green has never been a flattering’ color on you, Love. Let it go. There ain’t supposed to’ be a contest between you and her.”
Luna huffed, and her tail flicked in annoyance. “I am not suggesting that there is a contest betwixt me and mine sister. I am simply stating that I have done something she hath not. Twice.”
“To what end, Love? What good is it to make such an obvious point of it?”
“Come, let us not discuss this. We have had so few moments to enjoy together.” Luna reached over with one hoof and gently caressed his cheek.
“All right, all right,” Star smiled. “Just remember that nothing good can come from being’ envious of your sister. All ponies see the light from where they stand.”
“Very well, mine Star in the night,” Luna hummed. “But with thee by mine side, our little Twilight shall have all the love and support she shall ever need.”
From just outside the doorway, Celestia took a quiet step backwards in thought. She had intended to spend a few moments in idle conversation before retiring for the evening, but when she had heard Star Struck’s voice drifting out of the room she had paused and not made her presence known. It had been several weeks since Star and Luna had been able to find more than a fleeting moment of rest together, and Celestia did not wish to be the one to ruin the opportunity.
She then smiled a bit and began walking away. Luna was heavy with child and nearing the end of her pregnancy, and it would not be much longer until the Castle of the Two Sisters would have the pitter-patter of tiny hooves echoing from the warm stone walls. Secretly, Celestia was looking forward to having a little niece to play with—Luna was adamant that she was going to have a filly—and the youngster was bound to bring some sorely-needed life to the castle and to those who lived and worked within it.
Celestia stopped again just before an intersecting hallway, and a hoof slowly reached up and touched her own stomach. While she thought Luna had been acting melodramatic again with her comments, she did have a point about having two things that Celestia did not. It was easy enough to dismiss her feelings about not having a mate, but to be with foal? She would never outright admit it, but Celestia was a bit envious of her sister, if she was forced to be totally honest. What would it be like, she wondered, to feel a small life forming and growing within you? What went through your mind when you felt two hearts beating within your being? It was an experience she wished she could duplicate, but she knew it was unattainable at the moment. There were more pressing needs to take care of, as always. Perhaps once they had settled the border disputes with the Yaks, and had checked the power of the surprisingly resurgent Sasquatch Barbarians, and worked out the tariff details with Griffonstone…
Celestia twisted her head up and leaned backward slightly just moments before a stout brown unicorn popped around the corner with no advance warning. The stallion clearly had been expecting Celestia’s nose to be available to break his momentum, so in the absence of such his path continued forward until he face planted into the brickwork of the floor.
“Fair Eventide, Duke Iron Hoof,” Celestia casually offered while stepping over his prone and groaning form. “Thou wert close that time, but I am afraid thou didst still miss. Perhaps next time thou shalt be successful, no?”
* * ✹ * *
“The symposium will only be two hours?” Bean asked around a large bite of pancakes.
“Yes,” Celestia replied. “Contrary to popular belief, I do not like to hear myself speak endlessly. I anticipate spending the first hour discussing the details of my law, and then the second hour will be spent on questions and answers.”
“Ah, okay. That makes sense.”
“You don’t have to attend, you know.” Celestia took a small sip of her tea. “Most of what I cover will be very technical, and you may not understand what I am sharing.”
“But whatever will I do without you?” he moaned and pouted, which had the desired effect of making Celestia giggle.
“I’m sure you can find something. You could work on your book, or perhaps study, or even just walk around the palace. The guards always enjoy unexpected royal reviews.”
“I’ll consider it, how’s that?” he replied. “Maybe I’ll come for part of the symposium. I may not understand everything, but I do want to hear what you have to say about your law.”
“Perhaps we will have you graciously step out during the questions,” she replied. “That tends to be the boring part anyway.”
“Let’s see how it goes, but I may just do that.”
Luna then stumbled into the dining hall, and she looked like she’d been wrestling with an Ursa Major. Her nose barely cleared the ground as her hooves plodded forward, and she stopped only when she hit the table with her horn.
“Good morning, Luna!” Celestia cheerfully greeted. Luna slowly picked her head up and gave her sister an icy frown.
“Meh. Morn,” she grumbled while her magic snagged an apple. “Lonigt losanimare. Neelp ow.”
“Would you care to join Bean and me for breakfast?” Celestia offered while holding up a third smiley-face stack of pancakes.
“Too tired,” she managed to state coherently, and she took half of the apple into her mouth in one fell bite. “Morning.”
She then fumbled out the same way she’d come in, and Celestia sighed. “I do wish she’d join us for breakfast more often, but she always claims to be too tired.”
“I imagine it’s rather difficult for her to do things in the morning,” Bean observed. “She’s been out nightmare hunting all night. If there were a lot of them, she’s probably been running and fighting and burned up all her energy. I think it’s a bit like how tired you get after a full day. If Luna invited us to dinner right at bedtime, we both would probably have a hard time too.”
“I suppose so, but even if she would just sit for five minutes and talk to us about how the night went …” she trailed off in thought.
“You should talk to her about it. Maybe she just doesn’t realize how you feel.”
Celestia smiled and nuzzled Bean. “That is a most excellent idea, my love. I will discuss the matter with her when we have a moment. I shall…”
She trailed off into a furious round of giggling, and Bean felt something warm and sticky on his neck. He made a great show of rolling his eyes, and the sigh he offered had as much overacting put it to it as he possibly could.
“You just got syrup all over my neck, didn’t you?”
“I didn’t mean to!” she offered, and a hoof reached out to touch the spot before retreating. “Oh, here! I can clean it up.”
Bean fully expected her to conjure up a wet washcloth, but he was delightfully surprised when her tongue reached out and began slowly licking the affected spot. The action sent ticklish goosebumps in waves through his whole body, and he twisted slightly away from her while he enjoyed the sensation.
“Does that tickle?” she asked in a husky voice.
“A little, but it makes me all tingly too.”
“Oh! In that case…”
Bean sigh-giggled as she resumed, and he greatly enjoyed her actions while also continuing to lean away slightly in an effort to reduce the tickle. How he loved these little moments, when it was just he and Celly, acting like a normal couple would. He loved how she could fill him with delight and warmth, and how she shared her love with him so liberally. She never disappointed him, never left him wanting.
He couldn’t imagine his life without her, nor did he wish to.
“Mm, that’s a little better,” Celestia finally offered after a few moments. “But you may need to give my work a little help.”
“Aw, mom!” he protested playfully. “I just washed yesterday!”
“Now, now,” she chided with a playful nip of his ear. “No questions. You scrub that neck, and make sure to get behind your ears, too.”
“Ah! Again with the ears!” he laughed.
“I need to practice my mothering skills on somepony, don’t I?” she quipped.
“I suppose so, but you’ll be a wonderful mother, I’m sure of it.” He felt a knot in his stomach form while she turned thoughtful. “Uh, that is, if you want to be a mom.”
“Your flattery is most appreciated,” she offered with another nip, “but I do admit that I have yet to seriously consider the prospect of being a Mother.”
“Well, I’ve never really thought about being a Dad, either. My mind automatically goes to my Dad when it’s mentioned. It’s a bit scary in a way, isn’t it?”
“Indeed, but…” she trailed off, and a soft smile came over her. “Luna was a wonderful mother, and I do have to admit I was envious of her from time to time when I saw how happy she was with her little Twilight. I did wonder, more than a few times, what it would be like to bring a foal into the world, and to care for her needs.”
“Her?”
“I have always been convinced that, when I did have foals, the first would be a girl. Call it feminine intuition,” she replied with a wink. “I assisted Luna with my dear niece, of course, but being an Aunt isn’t quite the same. When it is your own, there is a level of responsibility, of dedication that really can’t be equalled anywhere else. This little life is wholly dependent upon you for everything, and her future success will depend on how you nurture her. It’s a bit like growing a delicate flower, in a way. There is much care and tending, but the rewards of seeing her grow and blossom are beyond any other.”
“It’s funny, I’ve felt the same way about it, too,” he offered with a quick peck of her cheek. “But it is a lot of work, and a lot of effort.”
“It is,” she replied, and her smile deepened. “But perhaps we should discuss this more later. It is good that we both wish to have foals at some point, but it would be prudent to discuss in depth what we expect, what our hopes and dreams are regarding them before we have any. Even the number of foals could be a point of contention, if we are not careful.”
“That it could be,” he replied, but then he began to snicker furiously. Celestia gave him a curious look, but a sticky sensation on her cheek elicited a sigh.
“You got syrup on me now, didn’t you?” she flatly asked.
“C’mere. I’ll clean it up for you.”
“You’d better,” she replied with a sly bob of her eyebrows.
* * ✹ * *
“Old MacBean lived in a palace, ee eye ee eye oh!” Bean sang while he walked down the hallway with his love. “And all he did was go to meetings, ee eye ee eye oh!”
“With a meeting here,” Celestia joined in with great vigor, “and a meeting there! One at three, one at five, where we will discuss beehives! Old MacBean lived in a palace, ee eye ee eye oh!”
They both then broke down into laughter and playful nuzzles of each other once the verse was complete. Bean had adapted the lyrics in between their last meetings, and Celestia was so enamored with his creation that she had threatened to make his new song the national anthem of Equestria.
“Oh, my dear Bean!” Celestia finally managed to talk again. “Why do I find such mindless lyrics to be so entertaining?”
“Probably because we’ve been to one meeting too many today,” he offered.
“That may be. This last obe with Miss Harshwhinny should be straightforward enough, and then once we finish the symposium we will have the rest of the evening to spend together.”
“We just need to go over security details for the Equestria Games, right?” he asked.
“That is part of it, but we will also see what other assistance needs to be rendered. Hosting the Games is a large undertaking, and quite often the Crown needs to provide some support to ensure that all goes well.”
“We’ll need to meet with Shining and Lieutenant Spear Point about all this too, won’t we?”
“We’ll meet with the Lieutenant later this week, and Shining will coordinate with him on the fine details. Since the games are in the Crystal Empire, Shining will be using his own Crystal Corps to secure the games, and the Royal Guard will augment his troops as needed.”
“I don’t remember the Crystal Corps being all that numerous when we were there.”
“Troop levels are still being built up, so at the moment it might be more accurately described as the Crystal Platoon. I believe we will be providing one company of Earth, one company of Unicorn, and one company of Pegasi to sufficiently cover the gaps.”
“How big is a company, again?”
Celestia giggled and pecked his cheek. “Approximately one hundred fifty ponies, my love. Those three companies will make a small battalion.”
“That sounds about right to me,” he replied. “A big event requires a lot of policing, doesn’t it?”
“Sadly, it does. While Equestria as a whole is rather peaceful, there are still some who are inclined to criminal activity among our citizenry, and they use such large events to help hide their deeds.”
“I bet it won’t be too much of a problem, in the end.”
“With a strong security detail, it won’t be,” she smiled. “Should we have something sent in to nibble on while we talk things over?”
“If you’d like, sure. I’ll just nibble on you. That always fills me up.”
Celestia laughed and smacked him gently upside the head with her wing, but then she gave him a kiss on the cheek. “You are wonderfully insufferable sometimes.”
“So long as it’s not all the time, I suppose.”
“You will never be able to do that in a million years, my love,” she replied.
“Thanks. What if we just have some truffles sent in? I don’t know what Chef Beet puts in those things, but they are addictive.”
“Almost as addictive as you.”
~*~
Bean knew he should be paying attention to what Miss Harshwhinny was saying.
This wasn’t some complicated legal matter, nor a weighty financial issue that would bring about the fall of Equestrian society if left unchecked. This was also not some snooty minister, though Harshwhinny did have a respectably furious scowl.
No, this was something Bean could follow along with, if he tried to. The discussion was, at the moment, centered on how preparations were going for the upcoming Equestria Games, and where the Crown could assist the Crystal Empire in said efforts to host the games, just as Celestia had said.
But he just couldn’t shake the conversation about foals and parenthood. For reasons beyond him, his mind had focused all of its efforts on that topic in the same way Blueblood tended to focus on mirrors when he came across one, and no matter how hard he tried, he just could not break free.
Bean took a discreetly deep breath while Celestia asked about attendance numbers, and he tried to focus his thoughts into an itemized list. Perhaps if he could summarize them all, he could then relegate them to a box in the far corner of his mind for review later.
The first item was being a father. This was both something that excited and terrified him, but for reasons that he suspected were rather common. Could he be a father; a good father? Would he be able to teach his little filly with kindness, and could he give her the tools she would need to be a Princess in Equestria? Yes, she would always have her mother to guide and direct her, but he didn’t want her to be forever reliant on others. He wanted her to be strong, noble, and able to lead in wisdom and serenity. There was an outside chance that there would be another long-lost Empire that would suddenly emerge from the dust of history, so would he be able to make her into the mare she would need to be to guide them into the future, just as Princess Cadence had?
The next thing was related: how would he and Celly go about raising a Princess? He was uncomfortable with the idea of a nanny, and his parents would frown on such a thing as well. A nanny only cared about their charge because they were paid to, the emotional attachment just wasn’t the same. But they were so busy with meetings and delegations and court and everything else that he might not have a choice. There was a very good chance that he would either have to have a nanny or bring their little one to court with them. He did smile a little at the thought of Celestia, proud and regal upon her throne, holding a small bundle of pink joy in her hooves while she listened to the crisis of the day. The smile deepened a bit as he thought of her losing a pacifier in her mane, and then having some gruff construction pony hold her daughter for a moment while she attempted to find it.
“I’m pleased to see you agree with that, Prince Bean,” Miss Harshwhinny offered. “That should save quite a bit on overhead expenses.”
“My dear husband knows a good idea when he hears one,” Celestia offered with a quick wink to him. “However, I think we need to be careful in this. Should the need arise…”
And Bean’s mind checked out again. He was momentarily frustrated with his inability to focus, but that got trampled under the stampede of parental thoughts that showed little sign of stopping.
How would they arrange visits to the Grandparents? Lima would move into the palace if she could to be as close to her grandfoal as possible, and Garbanzo had always enjoyed newborn foals, even if he denied it when asked. He didn’t really think they’d give up cooking at the Zuerst anytime soon, so they would probably just have to schedule a visit to Salt Lick every three to six months or so.
Well, at least that was one thing he could figure out right now. A small inkling of peace began to drift in his veins, and he realized that there were answers to these questions, and things would work out, eventually. Worrying about the details right now would not do any good, and once he was able to have an in-depth talk with Celestia about his thoughts, he would feel confident enough to move forward.
But could he be a father? That one nagging question was unrelenting. It was, in the end, the only one that couldn’t be answered by Celestia. She would tell him over and over he could be, with all manner of reinforcing language, but in the end only he could fully answer that to himself. Nopony else could tell him what was in his heart.
And his heart told him that he was unsure.
The problem was the addition of Celestia to the equation. Were he married to a normal, common mare, he would probably feel comfortable with moving forward with a family. But when the mother of your children was the beloved Diarch of a prosperous nation, and when you would be expected to raise them to be the future rulers in her kingdom, things got a lot more complicated.
Just the mere fact that he could make a mother out of Princess Celestia was dumbfounding enough. She was the Princess of the Sun, not the Changer of Diapers. How could he, a mere commoner, even dare to bring that about?
He really hadn’t missed his self-doubt. Just when he thought he was coming to terms with his life as Celestia’s husband, his inadequacies just had to flare up.
“...so, I believe that should cover everything.” Harshwhinny sounded like she was wrapping up, and Bean forced himself into the present. “It’s very kind of you to take the time to review the details of the Games with me.”
“It’s not a problem at all, Miss Harshwhinny,” Celestia replied with a graceful, diplomatic smile. “We are always pleased to help the games in whatever ways we can.”
“If only everypony else was so accommodating,” Harshwhinny muttered.
“Where are you off to now?” Bean asked, with the hopes that she had not already given that information.
“I will be travelling to Ponyville after this to lay out the rules and regulations regarding the Flag routine. From there, I will be returning to the Crystal Empire to oversee the setup for the games and to assist in the qualifier events.”
“We should let you be on your way then, it would seem,” Bean offered.
“Quite. The run-up to the games is always a busy time.”
“I will be sure to inform you of the security details once I have a chance to confirm them with Lieutenant Spear Point and Captain Armor,” Celestia offered while they all stood. “However, I believe this will be one of the best Equestria Games yet.”
“I believe it will be as well,” Harshwhinny offered with a deep smile. “Perhaps they might even be as good as the Games that were held in Salt Lick twenty years ago, hmm?”
“Perhaps,” Bean chuckled. “I was still a small colt then, but some of my earliest memories revolve around the hype everypony felt as we prepared for and then hosted the games. My parents still talk about it from time to time, even. However, I think these games will have a magic all their own. By hosting the games, it feels to me like the Crystal Empire is proudly and boldly proclaiming they are fully re-integrated with the rest of Equestria, and are ready to show everypony just how magnificent their Empire is.”
“Quite right, Your Highness. It will be a memorable time, of that I have no doubt.”
A few additional pleasantries were shared before Miss Harshwhinny was escorted out by a guard, but once she had rounded the corner Celestia gave his ear a nip.
“You didn’t hear a word she said, did you?” she asked.
“No, I did. I heard, what? Ten, twelve… nineteen words, about.”
“You little…” Celestia laughed while nuzzling him and wrapping one wing around him.
“I’m sorry, my love,” he offered with a sheepish smile. “I just couldn’t focus, but I should have. The Games are important, and I need to learn how to pay attention.”
“You’ll get there,” she offered. “However, we need to get going to be on time to the symposium. I think I know what had you distracted, and I would like to discuss it with you when we have enough time to give the matter the attention it deserves.”
“Until later, then.”
* * ✹ * *
Bean smiled slightly to himself, mostly to prevent a yawn from sneaking out. They were on the tail end of the symposium now, and it was just as boring as he’d expected it to be.
Of course, the assembled gaggle of lawyers and judges were besides themselves with glee, and it was easily seen in their faces and in the rapid scribbling that followed along with his wife’s every word. They clearly did not want even one definite article to take to the air and escape them, and Bean was instantly pleased with himself that he remembered what a definite article was.
His study sessions with Celestia were beginning to pay off.
The first part had been moderately interesting, but Celestia had been most serious when she said it would be technical. It was almost like she was going through the law word by word, explaining how each one influenced the other and then weaved with one another into a gigantic, inescapable destiny. Some of it was comprehensible, such as her explanations on the ad infinium bindings and the nullification of typical revocation clauses, but most of what she was explaining flew right over his head with enough speed to set new thought aviation records.
However, taking notes on what was being shared had helped him to stay focused. When he didn’t understand what was being shared, he would flip over a few pages and quickly scribble out a nonsense scene to practice his descriptive writing, and then he’d come back and try to comprehend the next tidbit.
But as soon as the question and answer session began, Bean totally stopped checking in. The questions themselves didn’t make sense, and he knew he had no hope of understanding the answer if he didn’t even know what the question was. While he would look up from time to time to give the appearance of paying attention, nothing he wrote had anything to do with the events of the moment.
Oh, except for that one little bit about a gaggle of lawyers teaming up to successfully stop Nightmare Moon’s first attempts at an eternal night via lawsuits. He smiled as he tried to figure out how such a thing could be possible, and what her reaction would be if they somehow pulled it off.
“...as you can clearly see, Miss Nightmare, paragraph nine of section twelve clearly defines the term ‘night’ as ‘That space of time during which the sun is below the horizon of the earth, except, that short space which precedes its rising and follows its setting, during which, by its light, the countenance of a pony may be discerned.’ Furthermore, your authority to quote unquote ‘raise’ the moon can be challenged by Article 5, in which sub clause C clearly states that the ‘moon’ is to be under the control, operation, jurisdiction, custodianship, ownership, and administration of Luna, Princess of Equestria, whom you clearly are not. Thus, your rights and claims are hereby considered to be null, void, and invalid, and you are to hereby relinquish your control to Celestia, Princess of the Sun, until such time as you can prove legal ownership of said celestial body.”
“You infernal simpletons! I am Nightmare Moon, and I answer to nopony! I will rule Equestria in eternal night!”
“But since you are claiming the rights of a Princess, that means you must be subject to—”
“I believe we have time for one more question,” Celestia stated. “Yes, Mister Curiae?”
“Ah, yes. Thank you,” he coughed into a hoof and stood. “Princess, this is not so much a legal question as a historical one, if I may.”
“Please continue.” Celestia nodded.
“Why go through all this trouble in the first place? You clearly would have outlived Duke Iron Hoof, and given enough time, you could have reformed and altered his actions once he was gone. Your law seems like a rather overcomplicated solution to a very minor problem.”
“On the surface, yes,” Celestia replied, and Bean gave her his full attention. This was the most interesting thing yet. “And it is true that I cannot qualify my rejection of his proposal using normal methodology. I rejected Iron Hoof and went through all of this trouble because of how I felt about the matter. His ideology had the possibility of corrupting and skewing my hopes and dreams for a unified and peaceful Equestria. Please remember that he was one of the most ardent supporters of unicorn superiority at the time, and I did not wish for the status quo to remain any longer than it had already. Ponies were meant to be equal, and I wasn’t going to wait five hundred years to bring that about. This law allowed me to minimize the influence of him and of any other who wished for one tribe to remain elevated over another, and I firmly believe Equestria would not be as prosperous as it is now if I had married him.
“More importantly, however, is the simple fact that I did not love him. I have always been an idealist, and the notion of marrying for power and position was as offensive to me as the supposed superiority of unicorns. Love, my friends, is what I wanted. If it had somehow come down to the choice between being a Princess and marrying for love, I would have chosen love without hesitation.”
She then gave a glance back towards her beloved, and a small tear was in the corner of her eye while her smile grew. “Thankfully, I have not had to make that choice. I am most privileged to have both, and to have things the way they are now was worth all the inconvenience and effort I put into this. I trust in the forces of Harmony, my friends, and Harmony has now given me the something I didn’t even know I needed. If I knew then what I know now about what would happen, I would do it again without reservation.”
Bean felt like he would melt in happiness right there.
* * ✹ * *
“There we are. How’s that?” Bean asked.
“Just right,” Celestia sighed while she settled into the bed of overstuffed pillows. “It’s been a long day, hasn’t it?”
“That it has. Is tomorrow going to be as bad?”
“It should be lighter tomorrow, plus we will have court,” she replied while Bean snuggled in under her wing. “Perhaps one of the petitioners will liven things up.”
“But not too much.”
“Just a little lively,” Celestia agreed with a quick boop. “Now, would you like to discuss how you feel about being a father?”
“You can read me like a book, can’t you?” he chuckled.
“Not quite yet. I am inferring that you are troubled with such thoughts due to the fact that you became contemplative and distant after we discussed foals. I could be wrong.”
“No, you are right, as always,” he replied with a flick of his tail. “I just worry about if I could be a good father or not, and how I would go about doing it. I’m still trying to figure out how to be a prince, and then we throw having a little princess on top of that? It’s a bit overwhelming for me. I know you’re here to support me, of course, but there’s just a lot of unknown down that road.”
“That there is, and I am most happy to help you answer these questions, if I can.”
“I’m glad you will,” he replied with another sigh. “I just… I don’t even really know how to articulate what I’m thinking.”
“Then let us wait, my dear,” she offered to him with a smile. “I will not deny I would like to have a foal, but I do not wish to rush you, as always. Sort out your feelings, and let us work together to find a solution that is best for us. If we do that, we can accomplish anything.”
“But how do you know you’re ready to be a mother?” Bean asked with some confusion. “Have you just had all these years to get ready for it?”
“I didn’t even think I’d be married two months ago,” she offered with a playful laugh, “and motherhood isn’t something you can study for, like a test. Yes, you can learn parenting tips and what to expect when you’re expecting, among other things, but I feel that I am ready simply because I feel ready. The idea of a foal excites me, Love, and having the opportunity to raise a little one is a challenging joy I wish to undertake. Perhaps that is where the issue lies, now that we look at it.”
“How so?”
“You were an only child, and your cousins are close to you in age. You have not yet seen what having a foal is like in its entirety. I have seen the good and the bad with Luna and her little Twilight, so I know better what to expect.”
“That might be it,” Bean remarked in thoughtfulness. “I really don’t know what I’m getting into with all of this. It’s a huge unknown.”
“Perhaps we should speak to Luna about this sometime,” Celestia offered. “She might be able to help address your concerns.”
“Let’s do that,” Bean offered. “And you can tell me what you know. Maybe with all that, I will feel better about starting a family.”
“I believe you will.” She offered a reassuring nuzzle and a kiss.
“Thanks. So, how do you feel about changing diapers?”
The Kingdom of Equestria was a proud and prosperous land that prided itself on the shining example of friendship that it projected to all the world. Indeed, it was a country that was renowned for its firsts, and for good reason.
It was the first Kingdom to be founded on the principles of friendship and harmony, for example. It was also the first to be led by alicorn sisters, the first to develop the modern fainting sofa, and the first to develop fully functional party cannons, among other things.
And upon this glorious morning, there was another first being made.
For the first time in recorded history, Princess Celestia was wondering what sneaky little trick her husband had come up with to disrupt and break her concentration while she raised the sun.
Oh, he looked innocent enough. Standing under her wing with a smug little smile, he calmly watched the eastern hills with an air of delighted anticipation. To a casual observer, he was simply waiting to see his wife work the magic she had worked for centuries.
But Celestia knew better. The delightful stallion she claimed as her own was doubtlessly brewing some sort of plan. That smug smile was just a bit too smug, that idle stance a bit too idle.
He looked like a stallion who had already set his master plan into motion, and was now simply waiting to reap the results.
“How did you sleep last night?” Celestia casually asked while lighting her horn.
“I slept fine, thank you,” he casually replied. “How about you?”
Celestia’s magic reached out for her sun in careful, watchful waves. “I slept well, as well.”
“Good!” Bean happily replied. “Do you think Luna had an uneventful evening?”
Celestia’s gaze went airborne, then swept around the balcony for her sister, who would just love to be involved with one of Bean’s ulterior motives. “I hope she did, but I am afraid I could not say for sure.”
“Huh,” Bean remarked with a shrug. “Well, at least she was on time with the moon.”
Oo, what are you planning? Celestia thought while her magic slowly touched the sun.
“Of course, I don’t remember Luna ever being late.”
Celestia’s body tensed, anticipating an attack from some unseen angle. When no dark blue blur of sisterly assault appeared, Celestia relaxed slightly and her magic began inching up the sun.
“Are you sure you’re alright?” Bean asked with what sounded like a hint of jest in his voice. “You seem tense this morning.”
“Not at all. I am as calm as a summer breeze.”
“Oh, okay then.” He shrugged. “Please, carry on then.”
This was going to go down as the slowest sunrise that had ever occurred. Celestia moved her orb upwards by fractions of degrees for several minutes, until Bean nuzzled her neck slightly.
“You might want to hurry. You’ll start a doomsday cult if you hesitate much longer.”
“All right, out with it.”
“Out with what?”
“You have some devious plan to interrupt the sunrise. What is it?”
“What, me?” he asked. “I have no plans at all to do anything of the sort! Please, don’t hold back because of me. I am simply enjoying the sunrise with you, nothing more.”
“You promise?”
“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” he replied.
Celestia would have conjured up a cupcake at that moment so he could make good on his promise, but that would make her drop the sun. Clever boy.
“All right. I’m going to finish raising the sun.”
“Go for it.”
“Up it goes.”
“Up it goes,” he parroted back.
“Into the sky, where it belongs.”
“My love, I double pinkie swear I am not going to do anything,” he chuckled. “Go ahead and finish. I just want to watch.”
Celestia took him at his word with a quick laugh, and the rest of the sunrise proceeded at the normal pace. Once she was done, Bean came out from under her wing, reared up, and gave her a deep kiss.
“I’ve been interrupting you too much during the sunrise,” he offered once they came up for air, “and it’s not something that should be taken lightly. I shouldn’t be playing around with something so important.”
“I don’t mind if you tease every now and then, you know.”
“I know. I just got to thinking about that last night, and I remembered that talk we had when you told me about the first time you raised the sun. This is something that is important to all life on this planet. I need to let you work, then I can tease you.”
Celestia gave him a wary look. “You’re not just saying this to appease me for some reason, right?”
“No, definitely no.” He shook his head quickly and emphatically. “I’m doing it because I need to respect what you do. I wouldn’t appreciate it if you kept interrupting me while I tried to cook, after all.”
“Very well,” she offered, and she gave him a quick peck. Her eyes then moved off of him and off towards the sunrise, and her smile deepened.
“What is it?”
“It looks like we will have an unexpected visitor this morning.”
“We will?” Bean asked, and he turned to see who was coming.
“Yes. An old friend of mine, actually. Here she comes now.”
“Where?” Bean asked, as he shielded his eyes with one hoof. “I don’t see anypony.”
“That’s because it’s not a pony,” Celestia replied.
Bean was puzzled for a moment more, but then he caught sight of a large, magnificent bird flying directly towards them. He took a step back in amazement while he watched the fiery streaks of red and gold sweep across the sky with the strong and powerful flaps of each wing, and he felt a little thrill run from his chest down to his hooves.
“What is that?”
The bird swooped around the pair once with a caw of delight, and Celestia offered an outstretched hoof for her to land on. Once she had landed, Celestia offered her a quick nuzzle, and then turned so that she was facing Bean.
“My love, meet Philomena. She is my pet phoenix.”
“Wow!” Bean looked like a colt on Hearth’s Warming Morning who had just seen the size of his haul. “I thought phoenixes were just a legend!”
“No, they’re very much real,” Celestia laughed while Bean looked the tall and graceful bird over. “Philomena lives out in the territory of the Dragons, but she does like to drop in on me every now and then.”
“But she’s your pet?” Bean asked, while Philomena began to give him a critical stare.
“Not in the traditional sense. Phoenixes are very free-spirited animals, so unlike a dog or a cat, you need to let them roam free. If I kept her in a cage, I would crush her spirit and she would be perpetually depressed. I rescued her from dragons when she was still a hatchling, and she comes to live with me whenever it is time for her renewal.”
“So she needs to do the whole ‘born from ashes’ thing right now?”
“Thankfully, she has recently gone through her rebirth cycle, so this is just a friendly visit,” Celestia replied while Philomena hopped off her hoof and took one quick flap onto Bean’s back. “Oh, hold still. She’s seeing if you’re nice or not.”
“She is?”
“Now, Philomena, this is Baked Bean,” Celestia stated. “He is my mate now.”
A confused chirp came out, and Bean felt her hop up and down his back while she investigated.
“Yes. He’s a good pony. You can trust him.”
Bean let out a small yelp of pain when she pecked the nape of his neck, but then he felt her hop up on top of his head. She then bent in half to look down at him, and Bean could somehow tell she was smiling.
“She’s surprisingly light. I hardly feel her up there,” Bean remarked.
“Well, she’s been working on keeping her figure slim,” Celestia chuckled. “She likes you.”
“Hello, Philomena,” Bean offered with a cheerful smile. “It’s nice to meet you.”
Philomena offered a happy caw in return, gave him a quick nuzzle, and Bean laughed a bit as he felt her settle into his mane.
“Well, I do believe she will be staying with you for awhile,” Celestia remarked with a large smile. “She only sits like that when she’s comfortable. You’ve just made a new friend.”
“And I bet it is the start of something beautiful,” Bean replied with a matching chirp of agreeance from the phoenix.
* * ✹ * *
“Are you ready for breakfast too?” Bean asked, and Philomena gave a squawk of eagerness from her perch at the table.
“Here you go!” Celestia replied while placing a plate of pancakes down for him and what looked like small, grape-sized rubies in a bowl for the phoenix.
“Wait. Are these fireberries?” Bean asked as he took one in hoof and sniffed it.
“They are.”
“My dad would have sold his firstborn son to get his hooves on just one of these.” Bean’s eyes went wide in awe while he studied every inch of the fruit. “Super rare, and super expensive. We were always told it was because they only grow out in the dragon’s lands, so ponies can’t get to them.”
“That is true, but there is one bush in the gardens’ greenhouse that grows them,” Celestia replied. “The grounds staff does an excellent job of caring for it, so there’s always a healthy batch ready to go. I’ll arrange to have a dozen or so sent to Garbanzo.”
“He’s going to be singing your praises, if he wasn’t already,” Bean remarked. He held the berry out towards Philomena in a hoof, and in a flash, she pecked it away and ate it with another happy chirp.
“What did he want to make with them?”
“There was some sort of spread he wanted to try and make with them, like Zap Apple jam, and there’s a few salads he wanted to toss them into. Seems like there were a couple of recipes he wanted to try out as well, but I don’t remember which ones. May I have one?”
Philomena gave a two-note chirp that sounded like she gave him permission to do so, and he chuckled a bit while he popped one in his mouth.
“Thanks. Huh. That is… not at all what I expected.”
“Oh, really?” Celestia laughed.
“Not at all. It’s surprisingly sweet, and smooth. There’s heat to it, but it’s not spicy heat. It’s temperature heat. Wow.”
“Just don’t eat too many of them,” Celestia warned. “They tend to give ponies upset stomachs when eaten raw. They’re best when they’re cooked with something else.”
“Gotcha. I’ll keep it down.” He held up another berry, and it disappeared just as quickly. “Besides, I think Philomena is hungry.”
“Maybe a little,” Celestia replied, but then a mischievous twinkle came to her eye. “You know, you two should spend the day together.”
“Yeah? That sounds like fun to me,” Bean replied with Philomena’s caw of agreeance. “Will the Ministers be okay with her?”
“They have met her before, so there should be no issues,” Celestia observed. “Besides, it’s not very wise to upset a phoenix.”
“I bet not. Are you still sure you want me to just go crashing in on their meetings? I still don’t think most of them like me.”
“I not only want you to, I think you need to. The Ministry is accountable to the Crown, and I occasionally will do surprise visits to remind them of this fact. They need to know you will make unannounced visits too, and that you will be reviewing their work.”
“I’m not going to know what they’re talking about,” Bean pointed out.
“Then ask them to explain themselves. Drown them in questions, if you want. You will learn about their proposals, and they will know you will be following your inborn gift to stick your nose into things.”
“I do have a knack for that,” he chuckled.
“Wysteria will be accompanying you as well to help, and I plan on getting some paperwork done, so if you need me I won’t be far. If needed, we’ll end court early so I can have a ‘discussion’ with anypony who gave you issues.”
“Do you think it’ll come to that?”
“With Philomena and Wysteria assisting you, I very much doubt it.”
Philomena offered a nod and a smile to Bean with this, and he laughed lightly.
“Well, how can things go wrong with a phoenix on my side?”
* * ✹ * *
“You ready to do this?” Bean asked with a glance back at Philomena. She was comfortably perched on his back, and she gave him a pleased smile and a two-note chirp to signal her readiness.
“Okay, but first, I gotta see the most serious face you can muster. I need you to back me up when I reject a proposal.”
Philomena nodded, and she gave Bean the most furious and annoyed glare she could. Her eyes squinted in deep disapproval, her beak took on a predatory frown, and she threw her shoulders back slightly, as if challenging anypony to take her on.
“Wow, you’re good!” Bean laughed. “Think you can show me how you do that sometime?”
Philomena nodded with a smile and gave a quick peep. She then gave a happy cry when she saw Wysteria round the corner, and with two flaps she was over to the secretary’s offered hoof.
“Well, welcome back!” Wysteria chuckled. “It’s been a little bit, hasn’t it?”
Philomena gave a happy series of chirps, then flapped back to Bean’s back and showed Wysteria her serious face.
“Oh, so you’re helping out? The Prince could use all the help he can get.”
“You know, I’d be offended if that wasn’t the truth,” Bean chuckled. “I’m still a greenhorn when it comes to working with the Ministers and their departments.”
“You’ll get the hang of it, sir. Just follow Philomena’s lead. A good scowl will get you far.”
“Right. So, who’s our first victim?”
Wysteria gave him a dry smile. “I think we’ll have you stop in on a committee meeting regarding waste disposal. It’s due to start in ten minutes, so we can get in right at the onset.”
Bean snickered when he heard Philomena make a gagging noise. “My thoughts exactly. I will completely understand if you decide to fly off.”
“Just this way, sir.” Wysteria motioned down the hall.
~*~
Bean glanced around the empty room before glancing over to Philomena, who gave him a shrug. He then turned to Wysteria, who was flipping pages on her clipboard and making a few notes with her quill.
“Um, Wys? Not that I question your skill, but we are in the right place, I hope?”
“This is where the meeting is scheduled to be,” she replied. “Just give it a minute. The ministers usually run a bit late and they always show up in a single pile.”
“Gotcha. Does every conference room have a comfy chair like this one for my most royal behind?” Bean bounced a bit in his seat to ‘test’ the comfy-ness of it.
“Actually, yes. It’s left empty if there is no Royal in attendance, but it is understood that a Royal could come occupy it at anytime; thus it is always available. We do have to bring in another one if, say, Celestia and Luna both want to attend the meeting, and there might be a bit of a scramble if all three of you show up to the same place. Now that I think of it, I should probably get a contingency plan going because that’s bound to happen sooner or later.”
“I’ll share a seat with Celestia, if that helps.”
Wysteria snorted in amusement. “I bet you would.”
The door to the conference room was then enveloped in a pale blue glow. Bean tried to exude an air of dignity and intelligence, but he was pretty sure it looked like he was trying to pass a kidney stone, especially given the reactions the entering ministers gave him once they noted his presence.
“Your Highness?” Lady Penny Wise asked from somewhere in the midst of the suddenly-remembered respectful stooping. “What are you doing here?”
“Am I not supposed to be here?” Bean replied. Philomena was going to make this both difficult and fun. She was doing a fantastic job of glowering at the nobles, which naturally led to him wanting to both laugh and applaud her skill.
“Of course not. We simply were not expecting you.”
“I see. Well, I am here now, so shall we continue? There’s no need to hold up everything on my account.”
Getting everypony into the room and seated took a few minutes, since introductions were in order and several of the attendees felt that his most Royal Hoof had to be kissed, for some odd reason. Thankfully, the guest list was set at fifteen, which just so happened to be the number of times Bean could stand hearing ‘Your Highness’ in a row without going nuts. Wysteria pulled up a seat next to Bean, clipboard at the ready, and Philomena perched herself on Bean’s head as a puce-colored pony approached the chalkboard at the front of the room.
“I take it Philomena will be attending the meeting with us?” Lady Penny Wise asked, and Philomena ruffled her feathers with a defiant, ‘just try to get rid of me’ stance in response. “Very well. Deputy Draff, please begin your presentation.”
“Just a moment, please.” Wysteria piped up. “Before you begin, I am obligated to inform you all that the Prince has a very busy schedule today, and we will be unable to attend for the entire duration of this meeting.”
“Of course, of course,” Lady Wise said dismissively. “We understand such things happen. Mister Draff?”
“Ah, yes.” He cleared his throat and turned to the board. “Firstly, I wish to thank you all for attending this very important meeting on the current waste management issues that are plaguing our fair kingdom. This is an issue that, if not dealt with in a timely manner, will become rather messy in a hurry.”
Draff chuckled at his own joke, but he was the only one. Bean’s cringe went unnoticed by the group, thankfully, and he sat up a bit straighter to help himself stay focused.
“Let me first start with one good observation, if I may. As a whole, our Kingdom is doing well in general waste management and control. The ponies who have dedicated their lives to the engineering of sanitation are working tirelessly to ensure that our fair Kingdom remains sparkling clean and free of general debris, and for that they deserve our most sincere thanks. However, improvements can always be made, and over the next two hours, I hope we can come to a consensus on the various proposals that I have to present to you.
“The first item is the manner of waste collection. At present, open air wagons are being used by a team of two ponies in most circumstances, but this does lead to air quality concerns, not to mention the…”
“I hate meetings sometimes,” Wysteria muttered under her breath.
~*~
“...that requires us to convert significant amounts of arable land into what amounts to a landfill. For us to continue in such a manner is unwise and slightly unsanitary, and so new methods should be developed to…”
Bean idly tapped his foot as Deputy Draff prodded along with his presentation. He wasn’t sure if it was irony that the first meeting he was able to understand in its entirety was solely about garbage, but it did feel rather poetic, in a pathetic sort of way.
Even Philomena appeared to have just about had enough. For the first twenty minutes of the presentation, she’d tucked her head under a wing and had a nap—Bean couldn’t say that he blamed her for doing so—but now she was perched on top of the chalkboard with a disinterested look of boredom, or perhaps the expression of an arsonist discouraged at the lack of flammable materials in the room.
“...are needed. Now, I believe that such gains can be made by concentrated efforts to encourage a reduction of total usage, which will then…”
Bean tried very hard not to snicker as she began to mimic Draff’s face and mannerisms. Her beak opened and closed in close synchronization of his words, and she put one wing to her chest while sticking her beak in the air. She continued with her haughty act of his presentation for a moment, but when he turned back to the board, she was the perfect picture of innocence.
“...uh,” Draff was thrown off balance for a moment by Philomena’s innocent look. “...um, thus reducing the total acreage needed. Before I go any further, let me point out that relations with the dragons have always been… let’s call it ‘tenuous,’ but I believe that, with the proper motivation, we can—”
“Deputy, if I may?” Bean asked. Though it was not audible, Bean could feel the round of groans from yet another question from the Prince.
“Of course, Your Highness! What is it?” At least Draff was eager to please.
“If I may, let me restate this proposal point, just so I make sure I understand it. You are suggesting that we ship our garbage to the dragon lands, and then somehow convince one of them to incinerate our waste for us?”
“That is the essence of it, yes.”
“That seems a tad bit extreme and rather dubious to me. What dragon is going to want to sit and burn garbage, day after day, for the foreseeable future?”
“I’m glad you asked, because that leads right back to where I was. All creatures have a price, to use a crude saying, and I believe that the lure of bits to add to a dragon’s hoard will be quite motivational. For very little work, the dragon will be able to increase his own wealth, and thus his social standing, from what I know of dragon culture.”
“All right, that may be true, but how much ‘compensation’ are we talking about here? Do you happen to know how much a dragon will want to be paid in order to do this? And what if he wants gems, instead of bits? Will we then have to enter into a contract with Diamond Dogs to provide us with the currency needed, or do our mines produce enough to cover the cost?”
“That is one element I am unaware of, Your Highness.”
“All right. I’m afraid I do need to leave now, if you’ll pardon my rudeness.” Bean stood, and he was pretty extra sure he heard Wysteria offer a nearly-silent ‘thank you’ while she stood with him as well. “Please continue, but Lady Wise, will you please make sure his budgetary cost analysis makes it to Celestia and myself in a timely manner? I’d like to see the cost comparison between our current methods and the cost of hiring a dragon to incinerate our waste.”
“Of course, Your Highness.” Lady Wise replied with a dip of her head.
“Thank you. Deputy Draff, I hope we are able to speak more about this in the future. Good day to you all.”
Bean then strode out of the room, and he did snicker as Philomena flew over his head with a caw of delight at being released from the tedium.
“That was a little too much sitting for you, wasn’t it?” he asked the now cheerful phoenix. “We probably should have stepped out sooner.”
“I was actually hoping you’d stay for a few more minutes.” Wysteria offered a small grin while Philomena landed on Bean’s back. “She had a pretty good impersonation going there. I wanted to see more.”
Philomena blushed a bit in embarrassment of her actions but still smiled smugly.
“I liked it too. Maybe we should go crash another meeting and see your impersonation of the presenter there?”
Philomena nodded adamantly and gave a chirp of delight.
“I think she likes the idea, Wys. How about it?”
“I know just the place, sir.” Wysteria’s smile turned devious. “Follow me.”
* * ✹ * *
Princess Celestia hummed a happy little tune as her quill scratched out a list of very important items. With her beloved’s birthday coming up in short order, she wanted to ensure that everything would be perfect and that his first birthday with her would be one that he would never forget.
“Let me see, what else?” she asked. “Perhaps Discord would enjoy an invitation. He may be busy, but I’m sure he would be pleased to be invited all the same.”
A knock came on the office door, and Celestia’s smile deepened. “Just a bit longer than I expected. Come in!”
“Princess, I must object!”
Celestia’s smile did not wane, but she did give a mental sigh at what was to come as the silver-grey unicorn barged in and took up a defensive position in front of her desk. “What is it, Straight Column?”
“Your... husband! He walked into the Third Subcommittee Budget Conference on the reallocation of road funding variants in Major Bridge Repair!”
“Did he wake anypony up?”
“Yes!”
Celestia offered a soft giggle while Straight Column sputtered at his own impulsive reply.
“I mean, no. Look, these meetings are highly sensitive! We are dealing with roads here! They are a vital and indispensable part of the networks which link all of Equestria!”
“So he made a suggestion, did he?”
“Yes!” Straight Column’s eye twitched, and a vein in his forehead was beginning to bulge. “We can’t have this, Your Highness! He has no concept of proper procedure!”
“Does this mean the road budget will make it out of committee on time this year, instead of being six months late like last time?”
“Well... yes, but it will be rife with errors and shortfalls! It could lead to the end of civilization as we know it!”
“Wow!” Bean exclaimed, and Straight Column let out a rather undignified screech of alarm while quickly spinning to face the music. “End of civilization, huh? I’m doing better than I thought!”
“Your Highness, I didn’t mean—”
“If you didn’t mean it, you wouldn’t be here in my office,” Celestia offered in a warning tone.
“See, I thought I was going to actually end the world with my meddling,” Bean continued, while Philomena glared furiously at the offensive ‘noble.’ “Like, it was going to split in two, explode, and then the remaining bits of rock would be burnt up by the sun. And then! Then I’d have to explain to Luna why all of ponykind was crowded in on her moon, and nothing about that sounds fun. At least Celestia can start over if civilization ends, if there’s still something to work with there.”
“I have started a country before,” Celestia mused. “I bet I could start another one. I’m sure Luna would love to have that thousand years of ruling that she missed on the moon back as well. Maybe this time I’ll make myself and Luna Queens, and my dear Bean can be my King.”
“So I may have exaggerated a bit,” Straight Column admitted. “But I still stand by my statement of proper procedure. My Prince, with no disrespect intended, you simply do not have the education and the experience yet to offer such suggestions. There is a way and a means to everything, and you cannot simply parade in to a meeting, uninvited, and expect to—”
“Oh, hang on,” Bean held up a hoof, and he then let Wysteria float in a stack of papers to the Princess. “That’s the budget you were debating, with my ‘improper suggestions’ added in. I’m not the greatest at math, I admit, but I did some crunching while you were talking about the advantages of type four road base mix. You’ll probably have to explain that one to me again, I got a little lost there.”
“I’m going to go check on that procedural vote downstairs, but then we can head over to the Science and Arts meeting,” Wysteria offered quickly. “I’ll be right back.”
“Here, I’ll head out with you,” Bean offered. “You still want to hang out with us, Philomena?”
She nodded once, but her stare remained on Straight Column. Her head swiveled to keep her glare fixated on him while her body turned with Bean, and she managed to look even more threatening while Bean walked out of the room.
“I’ll see you in just a bit, Love,” he called back, and Celestia nodded absentmindedly.
“Sounds good. I’ll tell Chef Beet to get a nice fireberry soup going. I think you’ll like the texture of it.”
“Can’t wait!” he laughed.
“Now, then,” Celestia asked Straight Column, who had been wondering when and how everything had fallen apart on him. “Tell me, as one servant of Equestria to the other: how far has this distaste of my husband spread through the nobility?”
Straight Column felt a little bit of his former bravado returning. There was strength in numbers, after all, and he knew for a fact that he was not alone in his feelings on this matter. “I can’t give an exact number, but I can assure you that the feeling is mutual.”
“I see.”
“It’s not that we don’t like him, Your Highness. We can all see he has brought you much joy and happiness, and we are happy because of it. But I would not be amiss if I said that you have given your husband too much power and control. By all accounts, he is a Prince Consort, and should be subservient to those who have held office until we, as a body, can come to a majority consensus on his ability to lead. Today it is roads, which I will admit is a more minor issue. But what about tomorrow? Will he begin to write budgets without your approval, or raise taxes while you are blinded by rose-colored glasses? He can cause a great deal of damage if he is left to his own devices just in sheer ignorance, and I dread to think what would happen if you were to be incapacitated for some reason. Do you really trust him to lead our fair kingdom in your absence, should the worst occur?”
Celestia’s gaze remained on the papers Wysteria had just given her, but she did give a short hum of thoughtfulness before offering her official reply.
“Mister Column, how old was I when I ascended to the throne of Equestria?”
Straight Column had the feeling one does half a second before they took a step into a bear trap, and he swallowed hard. “You were sixteen, My Princess.”
“That’s rather young for a ruler, isn’t it?”
“Typically, yes.”
“Yet Commander Hurricane, Princess Platinum, and Chancellor Puddinghead all placed their trust in me, and in fourteen-year-old Luna. That seems rather suicidal, doesn’t it?”
“To a rational mind, yes. But may I point out you were not given sole ownership of the Kingdom.”
“Exactly.” Her eyes now flicked up, and Straight Column wondered what backwater town she’d send him to, and how he would supervise the construction of a new statue in Bean’s honor. “I was offered help by The Three, and I graciously accepted it. Prince Bean is new to government, yes. He does not know proper procedures and protocol, yes. But consider for a moment that what he has to offer to me, to you, and to all of the ministers of Equestria is a fresh outlook, a new viewpoint. He is not burdened with the ingrained expectations on how and why one conducts the business of my little ponies. He looks at everything as we all should: from the viewpoint of a commoner. He evaluates policy based on how it will affect him as he cooks in his family’s restaurant, instead of how you will see the political points adding up in your favor. He is not out to secure his own position, nor does he care about keeping his power. He wants what is best for those who are like him, the ones living and striving in the trenches to make Equestria great. Rather than mocking his lack of intelligence and experience, you ought to try looking at the world the way he does while helping him learn the ropes. It would be rather revelatory if you did.”
Straight Column knew he’d been routed, and he simply nodded. “My most sincere apologies, Your Highness.”
Celestia nodded, and her gaze went back to the list she’d been compiling at first. “Now, since there still seems to be some confusion and debate on this matter, let me be perfectly clear. Prince Baked Bean is my equal, and he will remain so despite whatever objections others may raise. Should I be removed from power for any reason, I would not hesitate to entrust this Kingdom to his care. The Ministry may either come to terms with this, or they will find themselves in an increasingly untenable position that may require drastic action.”
“I understand completely.”
“Good. Is there something else you’d like to discuss?”
“No, Your Highness. That was all.”
“One last thing, before you leave,” Celestia called out as Straight Column entered the doorway. “I have checked Baked Bean’s math here, and other than missing one hoof bridge over a stream in Canterlot which I believe is next to your house, the numbers all line up. I would suggest giving his proposals more weight in the future, they seem fairly sound to me.”
* * ✹ * *
“Are you really surprised that she rejected you in such a manner?” Penny Wise asked with derision.
“I was rather hoping she’d give my concerns serious consideration. I would not have intruded otherwise,” Straight Column grumbled before taking a sip of the vin rouge that had just been placed at the table. “The Prince was being a menace with his proposals and cared not a whit for the proper procedures of submission. We wasted half of the allotted time dealing with his hair brained ideas.”
“This is the new normal, Mister Column,” Penny Wise replied. She was probably trying to laugh, but the sound that emanated from her was closer to the sound of a pony choking on a bite that was too large for their mouth. “We are all just going to have to learn and adapt to his interference.”
“My dear Penny,” Prince Blueblood laughed lightly, “you are the eternal optimist, aren’t you?”
“Unless you know some grand secret that we do not, I do not have a reason to show optimism at this point,” she huffed. “If you will have something that will inspire my hope again, I do pray you will share.”
Blueblood’s magic picked up his own goblet, and he gently swirled the vermillion liquid within while he continued. “There is no great secret to this, my dear. You are simply looking at this problem from a single angle.”
“Oh, is that all?” she nickered in annoyance. “Please, enlighten me.”
“Where there is a will, there is a way,” he offered with a bob of his eyebrows, “and in this particular case, there are several ways to handle our beloved Prince. There are elements in play at this very moment that will see to the removal of the commoner, but it will take time. We simply need to endure for now, and have faith that a force greater than us will provide. Do not despair, my friends. Continue on with your work as best as you can, and trust in me.”
“Trust you?” Straight Column asked. “You are treading into the realm of treason with such talk. We all remain in Canterlot on the mercies of the Princesses, and one wrong move against Bean will lead to a swift and inglorious end. The hope you offer is a fool’s dream, a wish that cannot be fulfilled.”
“Oh, but it can,” he replied with a sneer, and Straight Column could almost swear he had seen a flash of green sweep within his eyes. “I know there is a real and viable solution, and that none of us will suffer the wrath of my Aunts because of it. By the time all has been completed, Baked Bean will be naught but a fading nightmare for all of us. Just let me work, and soon you will see. All of Equestria will see, and then none will ever dare question me again.”
Princess Celestia was having the most wonderful dream.
In this perfect place, it was a bright, clear day, with nary a cloud in sight. A gentle breeze whispered across her well-brushed coat as she gently trotted among the multihued wildflowers of the meadow, and their fragrant delights were enhanced and magnified with the solid, rustic smell that came with the clods of earth her hooves tore from the ground. Such a place inspired calm relaxation and a deep pleasure from simply existing, and there was only one thing that could possibly make this place perfect.
And since this was a wonderful dream, Baked Bean wasn’t very hard to find.
He stood near the edge of a small, bubbling stream, with a smile and an eagerness for her to come to him that she was more than willing to fulfill. Celestia let out a whinny of delight that would be decried by the nobility as most unbecoming of a princess, moved up to a gallop to close the gap as quickly as possible, and she cleared the stream in one smooth bound. Both members of the lovestruck pair laughed with her antics, laughed more when she gently tackled him, and Baked Bean quite willingly joined his beloved in a furious round of ‘Kiss Your Love As Much As Possible.’
Soft giggles were shared once they finally separated, but Celestia found herself once again lost in his beautiful sea-green eyes, and the joy of pure contentment flooded every part of her, from snout to tail and from ears to hooves.
“You know, I rather like these shared dreams,” Bean remarked with a kiss to her cheek. “Do these just happen, or does Luna have to be involved?”
“Luna needs to link them, usually.” She gave him a quick nuzzle. “But if I understand her explanation properly, two dreams can spontaneously link when the two having the dream have deep connections to one another. You should be seeing a lot more of me in your dreams from now on.”
“No way. I’m invading your dreams first,” he replied with a laugh. “Did you come up with this meadow, or was that Luna?”
“This meadow is a recurring dream of mine, actually. Since I spend most of my days indoors, walking from meeting to meeting, I like to dream of times when I can just run and not worry about the cares of the day. When I am here, I can get a little dirt under my hooves without offending half of the nobility and worrying the population.”
“I wonder if we could ever go camping sometime,” Bean mused aloud. “I mean, I’ve never been camping myself, but it always looked kinda fun. Just you and nature, you know?”
“Mm, I like the idea,” she purred. “What else?”
“A nice fire, maybe,” he continued while shifting and moving to snuggle into her side, “not so large that it burns you, but just enough to warm your coat and to cast a gentle light on the one you love. We could roast some marshmallows, and make s’mores. I’ve always wanted to try one.
“And then we could snuggle together under a thick and billowy blanket, with your sister’s stars before us, and you could tell me about how she named the constellations and why she framed them the way she did. And then the lesson could move on to how you used those same stars to give directions to the first caravans, and how you opened up the eastern lands to trade and culture.”
“That was a fun expedition.” Her wistful smile came with a wave of nostalgia that Bean could almost swim in. “But that story will take quite some time to tell.”
“I would still love to hear it sometime. If I recall my history properly, you were rather influential in those proceedings due to your height.”
Celestia’s laugh was slightly worried but mostly amused while she nuzzled Bean again. “I never did understand Hassan’s odd fascination with my legs. Please don’t tell me they teach about his infatuation in public schools too. I will need to make reforms if it is.”
“Oh, a secret lover?” Bean waggled his eyebrows, but he received an amused scoff in return.
“Hardly. I believe the modern term is that he had a crush on me. That ended rather ingloriously a few years later when I told him, in no uncertain terms, that I had no desire to join any harems. I found out later his fourteen ‘special someponies’ did not want any more additions either, and they were kind enough to send me a finely crafted ottoman as a thank you for rejecting him.”
“An ottoman, really?” Bean remarked with a thoughtful look. “That seems like an odd gift to send to a pony.”
“It was also a subtle warning from them that I was not welcome to visit again. Ponies do not have much of a need for such furniture, and they did not have much use for me.”
“Ah. But I bet you accepted it gracefully, just because you’re awesome like that.”
“I remember laughing quite heartily when I received it,” Celestia replied with an amused shake of her head. “It is just part of diplomacy. However, I do believe it is time for breakfast.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Well, the flowers are turning into coffee cups, for starters,” Celestia nodded to the field before them, and Bean snickered when he saw two or three steamy cups of caffeinated succulence pop in among the purple and blue blossoms.
“I guess Luna made breakfast, then?”
“Or you’ve begun cooking in your sleep,” Celestia teased with a quick nip of his ear. “But I would hope Chef Beet would intervene somehow, if that was the case.”
“I wouldn’t trust myself around fire if I was asleep either,” Bean remarked with a laugh. “What do you think she made?”
“Burnt toast, I’m afraid,” Celestia said with a wry smile. “Luna is not known for her cooking, but she insists on doing so for my birthday. I appreciate the effort she puts into it, and usually she provides copious amounts of jam to cover up her efforts.”
“But what if she had help this year?”
Celestia gave Bean a curiously amused look. “She does tend to show marked improvement when she receives assistance. What did you do?”
“I offered a few suggestions, and I may have cooked a practice round or two with her over the last week.”
“You little sneak!” she happily proclaimed. “I am most curious to see what you two have crafted for my enjoyment now. Shall we awaken?”
“After you, my Love.”
Celestia gave him one more quick kiss, and with some thought and a little effort, the Fields of Foalger drifted and faded from view.
Waking from a lucid dream tended to be a little disorienting while one transitioned from one realm to the other. There was a slight falling feeling, then a tearing distortion of reality, and finally the odd notion that she was being stuffed back into her own body as she blinked herself fully awake. She found her sister to be right before her, with a wide grin and a large tray of breakfast that was ready and willing to be consumed.
“Fair morning to you, Sister,” Luna greeted, “and my most hearty congratulations on managing to stay in synchronization with the revolutions of this world for another year.”
“What? No.” Celestia stuck out her bottom lip. “This can’t be. I distinctly remember having a birthday last year.”
“That’s the funny thing about birthdays, Sister. They do tend to be an annual thing.”
“Thank you, Luna. And I see you made breakfast?”
“For all three of us, provided your husband will deign to rise sometime this morning.”
Celestia glanced down and chuckled at the sight of her still-snoozing husband. “He said he was going to wake with me. Here, I know how to speed this up, but you may wish to move the food.”
Luna did so while Celestia took the tip of her wing and began tickling Bean’s nose. The effect was almost instantaneous: Bean’s muzzle scrunched up, a few sharp and halting inhales passed, and he began rubbing his nose furiously with his hooves with a fair degree of alarm.
“Nyuh!” he groaned. “Not the food! Don’t sneeze!”
“Good morning, Bean,” Luna offered in a sweet tone. “Sleep well?”
“You know, I was coming,” he groaned with several sniffs. “I just wanted to try a cup of coffee first.”
“You may try one here, and then we will have you run to Baltimare,” Luna replied. “That should take care of any side-effects you may experience.”
“I’ll stick with just smelling it. I’ll get a nice contact buzz from that. So, what did you make, O Princess of the Night?”
Luna gave a quick snerk to that. “I’m sure that my sister has warned you about my cooking abilities. However, a certain anonymous pony offered a few suggestions on how I could improve, and I believe that I have crafted a meal worthy of a Birthday celebration.
“I shall begin with the beverage, since you have mentioned it.” Luna’s magic began to pour out a liquid that filled Celestia with the gentle, nostril-tickling warmth of those first spring days that came after a successful Winter Wrap-Up. “This is Brassage Noir et Riche, which your husband tells me comes from a small enclave found deep within the mountains of Neighpal, where a group of peacefully robed ponies have dedicated their existence to the secrets of the coffee bean. I am told it is a most robust and hearty drink, with subtle hints of floral and citrus notes. This is as black as my midnight, sister, but yet the flavorful aromas that wafted to my nose at the start of the brewing process should make this one of the most satisfying drinks you have ever enjoyed.”
“I do not doubt that. I can already tell this is quite a bit richer than what we usually receive. And you say my beloved helped with this meal, yes?”
“He offered a few suggestions, yes, but who better to help with beans than a Bean?”
“Ah yes.” Bean gave a playful frown as Luna snickered furiously. “Never gets old, that one.”
The conversation was interrupted when Celestia let out a low hum of complete satisfaction. “I remember this coffee. The delegation from Saddle Arabia brought some with them for the Summer Sun Celebration ten years ago, if I recall properly. I also remember it was well over five hundred bits per pound to procure the beans.”
“Ah, they’ve come down in price then,” Bean remarked. “This batch was only four hundred eighty bits.”
“A marked improvement, indeed,” Luna chuckled. “Mister Roast was both nervous and eager to try his hoof at properly brewing this batch, and he will be most pleased to hear he has succeeded.”
“Indeed, yes. He has my compliments.” Celestia paused to take a deep whiff of the cup of near-perfection she held in her magic, and then her smile grew. “What else do you have?”
“On the recommendation of both Chef Beet and Mister Bean, I have here what should amount to a delectable spread.”
“You burnt toast again, didn’t you?”
“I most certainly did not!” Luna huffed with a laugh. “I had help this year, sister. It will be normal toast, of course.”
“Naturally,” Celestia laughed with her. “But with what else? You have something that smells amazing.”
“It better be, or Mister Bean will have to explain his recommendations. I have gently poached onsen eggs, prench croissants raffine with zap apple jam and a beurre spread, and the aforementioned whole wheat toast, gently browned and drizzled with a special honey that came highly recommended from the Apiary Guild of Equestria.”
“Oh?” Celestia’s magenta eyes looked down into her cup, the steam swirling and billowing atop the brew that truly was worth its weight in gold. There was a hint of intrigue there that Bean and Luna could sense, but despite this she simply blew the steam aside a took a regal sip. “The A.G.E. has been trying to curry my favor for decades now with their gifts of honey. It will be of the highest quality, without question.”
“Quite,” Luna replied while she began to plate the food for the intimate group. “Does it meet with your approval, sister?”
“It always does, dear Lulu,” Celestia said with a smile. “Thank you. I am truly humbled that you would take the time and effort to prepare a meal for me, and I hope I can return the favor to you sometime.”
“When is your birthday, Luna?” Bean asked.
“It was four months ago.”
Bean’s grin turned delightfully devious, and he leaned in close to his wife’s ear. “That means we have eight months to plan something spectacular, don’t we?”
“Indeed, and I know all of Luna’s favorite foods. Perhaps the good Mister Bean would be interested in preparing a succulent meal of roasted eggplant and tomato casserole?”
Luna gave Bean a rather eager look while her mane began to wave and flow with a bit more intensity. “If you do that, I might forgive you for that thing you did.”
“What thing was that?” Bean asked.
“You know. The… thing.”
Bean shook his head while light laughter filled the room with a peaceful joy that could only be found in a setting as intimate as this. “Well, if it’ll get me off the hook for the thing, I might be able to do something with the request.”
* * ✹ * *
“I think I would like to rewind the sun for a few hours to enjoy that breakfast again,” Bean offered with a deep sigh and a pat of his slightly distended belly as they walked from the bedroom toward the throne room. “And may I observe that you do have the power to make it legitimate, my dearest.” The Prince smirked with a nod to the sun gleaming through the windows.
“It is very tempting, but such a thing would be an egregious misuse of my position and responsibility. Even if it is my birthday.” She smiled with a wink. “Nevertheless, it was indeed a sumptuous meal, Lulu. You’ve outdone yourself.”
“Here, here!” Bean agreed, looking to his prized—and only—pupil with a hint of pride.
“I offer my most profuse thanks for your praise.” She gave a contrite bow. “Perhaps the stigma of my past culinary blunders shall be expunged?”
“Time will tell in that regard. The legend of the Holly Berry Tort is still whispered about to this day,” Celestia chuckled.
“That was you?!” Bean exclaimed in whispered shock before his horrified expression crumbled under Luna’s icy stare into a smug smile.
“With a name like ‘holly,’ one would think it would be meant for eating,” she replied while smirking a bit. “However, the hour grows early and I am tired. If I wish to join you for your ‘party’ later I will need some rest.” With an extended dark wing, she hugged Celestia. “Happiest of birthdays, dear Sister.”
Leaning into the affection, Celestia returned the embrace. “Thank you, Lulu. As always, it is made better with your company and love.”
With the moment finished, Night and Day separated and proceeded down opposing directions of the hallway.
“So… what would it take to get you to play hooky?” Bean asked, and he received a look from his wife that could only be described as ‘you are incorrigible.’ “I know you won’t, obviously, but I am curious as to what it would take.”
“My mother warned me about stallions like you.” Celestia replied with a light laugh. “If I recall properly, we only have a half-day of scheduled events, so I shall save my day of absenteeism for another time. If we both work quickly, we should be done by lunch.
“And then a party?” Bean asked, but then his ears folded back in worry when he saw Celestia’s demeanor droop slightly. “Or maybe not?”
“Forgive me, I do not mean to worry you.” Celestia nuzzled him quickly. “It is difficult for me to have a party in the manner that you are anticipating. When Luna speaks of such, she refers to a small celebration that will include you, me, her, and Wysteria at dinnertime. There will be light refreshments, a small cake will be shared, and there will be nothing else but pleasant conversation and old memories, given my predilection to reminisce.”
“And that’s how you would like to celebrate?” Bean asked with an effort not to push her.
“It is. Oh, we used to have grand parties when I first ascended to the throne,” she replied with a distant gaze. “The day of my birth was a national holiday, and I would throw the most lavish party that I could. Of course, ponies from far and wide would be welcome to come, and there were always large meals, fancy desserts, and a mountain of presents for me to sort through.”
“But then Nightmare Moon?” Bean asked gently, and Celestia nodded.
“Obviously, my parties were not the sole reason she grew jealous of me, but it was one reason. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it again, with the knowledge that my frivolity had helped lead to her downfall. I flat refused to have anything to do with a birthday for fifty years following that, but my little ponies still wanted to celebrate in some manner, as is to be expected of a populace that loves their leader. I was forced to consider what was truly important, and what I really wanted for my birthday. It was a revelatory moment for me, really. I had become consumed with the material representation of love, but it was empty and hollow, with all of the form but none of the function. I realized that the greatest present that I had been given—the gift of family and true friends—was now gone, and I resolved to change it.”
“So now we celebrate your birthday by going out and doing good deeds for others,” Bean remarked.
“Indeed. I find great joy and pleasure in hearing of the good that is accomplished, and the new friendships that are forged. That is the true gift, because it will keep on giving for many years to come and it will be a present to far more than just myself. I issue the same proclamation for my birthday each year, and each year I find that my little ponies have acted upon my suggestions in a most admirable manner. Truly, there is but one present that could be greater than that.”
“Oh, and what is that?” Bean asked with an excessively smug grin.
“To have the love of a certain yellow stallion as my own,” she said with a kiss for him.
“That’s what I thought you would say, and it’s a gift I am more than willing to share.”
“And I shall treasure it always,” she said with a nuzzle. “But if we wish to have the afternoon free, we should move swiftly to complete the work that must be done.”
“I suppose so. But, now that you mention it, I don’t think I’ve seen Wysteria all morning.”
“Nor have I, and that is a bit strange,” Celestia remarked with a touch of worry. “I hope nothing is amiss. Sergeant Pokey?”
“Ma’am?”
Bean gasped and put a hoof to his chest. “All right. Either I need to get used to the fact that you guys can show up out of nowhere, or you need to stop doing that. I’m going to have a heart attack one of these days with you dropping in out of nowhere.”
“You’ll get used to it, sir,” Pokey said quickly. “What can I do for you, My Princess?”
“Do you happen to know if Wysteria came in to work today?” Celestia asked.
“I have seen here around, but she didn’t look well, ma’am. The last I saw she was near the kitchens.”
“I’ll go check on her,” Bean offered. “That way you can get started in the office.”
Celestia had a slightly displeased look, but she nodded. “Very well, but if she is ill make sure she is escorted home. She’s a stubborn mule sometimes, and I don’t want her suffering if she is feeling unwell.”
“I’ll make sure it happens, ma’am,” Pokey replied with a quick salute. “I’m sure Corporal Quillpoint would be pleased to assist her.”
Both Bean and Celestia snickered at that. “Doubtless. Thank you, Sergeant.”
Pokey simply nodded to this, and Bean fell in next to him while Celestia walked towards the ever-plentiful paperwork.
“So, what do you think, Pokey? The flu, a cold? Pony Pox?”
“It looks something like the flu to me, sir, but I couldn’t say for sure. I know she’s had a couple of ponies suggest she get checked out, but she’s rebuffed them so far with her usual ‘too much work to do’ excuse.”
“Huh. Is Doctor Horsenpfeffer available?”
“She is, sir. I believe she has also been notified of the situation, but I’m not sure if she’s made contact with Wysteria yet.”
“Well, maybe I can talk Wys into a quick visit. I might not be able to get her to go home, but at least we’ll know if we need to limit contact.”
“Agreed, sir.”
“By the way, how was your night out last night?” Bean gave a quick bob of his eyebrows, and Pokey smiled slightly.
“It was nice, sir. We spent most of the time at the Phoenix Fire, and we talked about all of the usual things a guard talks about after hours.”
“Nothing too bad about myself, I hope.”
“Not at all, sir. In fact, I have just put in the paperwork to make this posting permanent, as has Sergeant Clover. If it is approved by the Captain, you’ll be stuck with us.”
“Oh, how horrible,” Bean replied with a wide smile. “And what about Private Lemon Tart?”
“She’s doing well, sir. With a bit more training, she should be one of the fastest flyers in the guard.”
“Even faster than you?”Bean said with a smirk.
“That’s why I said ‘one of’ instead of ‘the fastest,’” Pokey replied while the rounded a corner and found another guard in the hallway. “Corporal Quillpoint!”
“Sir!”
“Have you seen Miss Inkwell?”
“Down by the kitchen, sir. She was hoping some toast would help to settle her stomach.”
“Thank you, Corporal. Carry on.”
“Why am I not surprised to find that he’s the one who knows where she is?” Bean quipped, and Pokey chuckled slightly.
“I’ll put it this way: he has no desire to change his assignment, sir. They’ve been going pretty steady ever since they returned from the Sandwich Islands.”
“Does that create a conflict of interest at all?”
“Not as of yet, sir, but it could. Thankfully, there are protocols and procedures in place if their relationship does become more serious.”
“Good. He’s an outstanding guard, I’d hate to lose him.”
“So would I, sir, but Quill has a good head on him. He wouldn’t have started the relationship if it put his career in jeopardy.”
The two chatted more while they walked, but they didn’t get very far before finding Wysteria. She happened upon them while walking down an adjacent hallway, the ever ready clipboard in hoof, but Bean could tell instantly that she was miserable. Her mane was fraying out of a loose and sloppy bun, her glasses were slightly askew on her muzzle, and her eyes looked bloodshot and baggy.
“Wow, Wys!” Bean couldn’t help but exclaim. “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine, sir,” she replied in a most unconvincing manner. “I apologize for running late, but before you say it, I’m feeling better than I was an hour ago. Just give me a little more time and I’ll be as good as ever.”
“Um, if you say so,” Bean remarked with a wary look. “Are you sure you don’t want to go check with Doctor Horsenpfeffer real quick?”
“No, no. This is just a bit of food poisoning, nothing more.”
Bean snorted at that. “This is not food poisoning, Wys. You wouldn’t be upright if it was.”
“Really, sir. I’m fine.”
“If you insist. Sergeant, why don’t you run back and let Celestia know we found her?”
“I will, sir,” Pokey replied with a subtle wink before trotting away.
“Now, since I have you, I have a request to make,” Bean turned back to the secretary who was beginning to sway slightly.
“What do you need, sir?”
Bean was beginning to wonder if she was going to faint on him, and he shifted his weight so he could catch her if needed. “I’d like to take Celestia camping.”
“Camping?” Wysteria smiled weakly. “Heh. That might be amusing. When did you want to go?”
“Soon, perhaps even tonight.”
“Tonight?” Wysteria replied. “Oh, no. There’s no way we could do it tonight. I’d have to clear a camp site, and I’m sure we don’t have any tents or other gear that would be appropriate for you and the Princess. Now, if you can give me a week or two, I might… uh, I might…”
Wysteria’s cheeks bulged out with a squelchy hurk noise, and before Bean could say anything she made a mad dash for the nearest potted plant. Bean tried to respectfully ignore her while the poor ficus was introduced to Wysteria’s limited breakfast and previous evening’s meal, but it was a bit hard not to due to the length of said introduction and the rather unpleasant noises that accompanied it. Once she finally finished her unexpected and unwelcome experience, she groaned and wiped her mouth with a hoof while turning back to the Prince.
“Wys, I—”
“Don’t.” Wysteria held out her hoof to silence him, and Bean retreated back a step in mild disgust. “Just don’t. I’ll go see Horsenpfeffer.”
* * ✹ * *
Bean stood quickly when Wysteria emerged from the infirmary with Horsenpfeffer giving her a cheerful farewell. There was a look of deep trouble and concern upon the faithful secretary’s face, and even Bean could tell that she was plagued with something more than just a flu bug.
“So, what did you find out?” He tried to ask as gently as possible, but Wysteria didn’t meet his gaze. There was an exceptionally long pause, and when she did finally answer, it was in no more than a whisper.
“I’m pregnant, sir.”
Bean felt a little jolt of joy run through him at the news, but he held back from giving any outward show of such. Clearly, Wysteria was not feeling the same way about the situation.
“You’re pregnant?” he repeated.
Wysteria gave him a fierce shushing with a hoof in his face. “Not so loud, please?! I can’t let this get out!”
“I don’t think this is something you can hide, Wys. Sergeant Pokey was telling me that most of the guard could tell something was going on.”
“What am I going to do?!” she asked him in a crescendo of horror. “I can’t have a foal! My career, my prestige! I can’t do my job with a little one underhoof! I’m going to have to resign, and then figure out how to care for it, and—”
“Wys, you’re not going anywhere.” Bean cut off her hysterics with force. “I’m sure accommodations can be made, and Celestia will be more than happy to hear this. She would love to have a little foal running around.”
“How am I supposed to take care of my duties and the needs of the Princess?!”
“I’m sure we’ll figure it out,” he replied with a small smile. “You’re too valuable to lose.”
Wysteria’s eyes went even wider, and her irises shrank to pinpricks while she finally met Bean’s gaze. “Oh, sweet Hasbro above! What is Quill going to say to all of this?! He’s going to freak out!”
“He’s the father?”
“He has to be!” she nearly shouted, and she began pacing across the hallway. “This must have happened back when we were on vacation, during that night. We’d both had several coconuts, and when I woke up the next morning, I…”
She didn’t complete the sentence, but Bean didn’t need her to.
“What am I supposed to tell him?! ‘Guess what, Corporal? You’re a father!’ Oo, I don’t even know what he’ll do, or what he’ll say, or if he’ll just go AWOL on me, or—”
“I don’t think he’d do that.”
“But you don’t know for sure, and neither do I!” she wailed in anguish.
“I thought you’d been seeing him for quite some time now. Do you really think his reaction will be negative?”
“I don’t know, and that’s just it! We don’t know anything about each other! I mean, we talk, yes; but all we’ve ever done is make fun of snooty nobles and talk about his training, and maybe a little about my time in court. I don’t even know if he has brothers or sisters, or where he’s from, or what his favorite type of potato is, or if he likes water wisterias—which he’d better like them, because those are my favorites—”
“Wys, woah!” Bean put a hoof on her shoulder to stop her rant and her pacing. “Deep breaths, okay? I’ll help you figure this out, but you’ve got to calm down. Your health and the health of your foal is paramount right now.”
Wysteria did so, but she still retained her air of panic. Once she had gotten back to something resembling normal, she dipped her head and sniffled back an angry tear.
“I’m so stupid. How am I going to tell him?” she hissed to the ground.
Bean shrugged. “He’s going to find out eventually, so the sooner, the better. Just walk up to him when he’s out of earshot of anypony else, look him straight in the eye, and say, ‘I’m pregnant.’”
Confetti burst into the air, the sound of a trumpet fanfare erupted from a dozen mice with cornets, and Discord floated down to the ground by way of a ‘Congratulations Baked Bean’ banner he used as a parachute.
“Bean, you sly dog you!” the draconequus exclaimed before thumping him on the belly like a ripe melon. “I thought you were showing. What are you having? Personally, I’m hoping for a zebra or a seal, but if you are having just a plain pony baby, that’s fine too. If a little bland and boring,” he added.
“Wysteria is pregnant,” said Baked Bean flatly.
“Both of you!” gasped Discord. “This is wonderful!”
“No, this is all your fault!” Wysteria shouted and snorted. Discord held up his hands, just in case he needed to protect himself from a snarling, flying leap.
“Don’t blame me for your actions, Wys,” he countered. “I warned you that I wasn’t going to be able to supervise. I didn’t force those Piña Coladas on you, nor did I make the choice to stay out on that beach. You did that all on your own.”
“But if you hadn’t sent me to that infernal island—”
“This would have happened anyway,” Discord replied. “Here or there, you would have made the same choice eventually, and you know it. You can blame me all you want, but we both know you were craving your Quill something fierce.”
Wysteria wanted to give a proper rebuttal to his point, given her irked expression, but when her mouth opened, it rapidly became apparent that she had none to give.
“Did you come here just to say that,” Bean interjected, “or was there another reason for your visit?”
“Well, I was coming here to wish Celly a Happy Birthday, so this is just icing on the cake,” he replied with a snorting laugh.
“Why don’t you go tell her that while I get Wysteria taken care of?” Bean offered. “You two can talk things over once we take care of the more immediate problem.”
“Fine.” Discord huffed, but then he picked Bean up and hugged him tightly. “But congratulations again! You put me down for your baby shower at my place in a couple of months. I’ll get a pool going on what species you’re having, with five bits towards shark. I’ve always loved those toothy grins they give!”
“Six bits on zebra for me. If, for some odd reason you’re right, I think I’d like to keep it to the same Genus as myself.”
“Fair enough. Tootles!”
Bean sighed while Discord disappeared. “If he is right…”
“Doctor Horsenpfeffer will have a field day, and I think the Princess might be a bit jealous.” Wysteria offered with a soft laugh. “I wouldn’t worry too much, sir. You’re not equipped to handle a foal.”
“In more ways than one,” he offered a scoffing laugh. “So what do we do with you?”
“Just… give me some time, sir. I will tell Quill, but I need to figure out how.”
“I can do that. But remember that I am here to help you out, and so is Celly. We’ll help you out however we can with this.”
“Thanks,” she replied, and then she gave a thoughtful sigh. “I’m going to need it. If Quill abandons me, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to do this.”
“Even if he does, we won’t,” Bean replied with a quick hug of reassurance.
“That’s the one thing I’m sure of.”
* * ✹ * *
“Luna?” Bean tapped on her door gently. “Are you awake?”
The door swung open, and Bean reflected Luna’s smile back to her. “I am, and I do believe it is time for a party.”
“Good. I think we could use one right now.”
“Oh? Have I missed out on yet another piece of critical news due to my nocturnal habits?”
“Yes and no?” Bean weakly offered. “I didn’t think it was something we needed to wake you up for. Wysteria is pregnant.”
“Oh.” Luna blinked once. “I take it she made the announcement recently?”
“Considering she just found out herself this morning, I’d say yes.”
“Your tone indicates that she has been less than pleased to discover this.” They both began walking while Bean nodded.
“Yeah, she’s freaking out. Celly sent her home for the day to rest and to sort out what she needs to do now. We’re both happy for her, of course, but I think she’s slipping into a depression.”
“It will be a challenge for her, should she choose to keep the foal.”
“She’s definitely keeping it,” Bean offered with a smile. “It would seem the good secretary feels responsible for the care and upbringing of this life she has created.”
Luna nodded. “But then adjustments will naturally need to be made. When I see her, I shall offer my reassurances and my personal commitment to her continued employment. She is nearly irreplaceable, and I believe she can perform her duties as secretary and as mother with equal effectiveness. In truth, her duties as secretary may even prove advantageous, as she seems to be the kind of first mother to fret excessively over the trivia of gravidism. In any event, untold millions have trod the path she has just begun with little or no preparation. I am quite certain she will be up to the task and then some.”
“That’s just about what Celly said, too.”
“And I am sure she is as serious as I am. Now, may I safely assume that my sister awaits us in her drawing room?”
“You may indeed. I have dinner all ready to go, the cake and the other treats will be brought in once we’re done, and a courier dropped off your present a few hours ago.”
“Good,” Luna’s smile grew wider. “I believe she will enjoy it immensely. I have quite the present planned for you as well.”
“Oh, really? I bet I can guess.”
“You think so?”
“Yup. You’re going to get me a stock pot.”
“That is a lame present.”
Bean scoffed. “Are you kidding? The only thing I’ve ever gotten for my birthday is various cooking supplies. Last year, for example, I got a peeler, a vegetable scrubber, a knife set to replace my worn out ones, and a set of measuring cups.”
“Will any of that end here at some point?”
“Nah, they’re of no use to me now. Might as well leave them with my parents and let them be used.”
“I see. I can assure you that my present is not cooking related.”
“This will be a very interesting birthday, then.” He gave a soft chuckle. “You aren’t planning on throwing a party for me, are you?”
“There may be something in the works,” she offered with a sly grin, “and I hope you are more willing to have an actual party than my sister is.”
Bean’s ears folded back in worry, but he did not offer a reply. Luna, however, seemed eager for a response, so when none came she let out a frustrated breath and stopped where she was.
“All right, Bean, let’s settle this here and now. You do not need to walk on eggshells when the subject of my betrayal comes up, or my life before it. I fully admit to being consumed by jealousy over my sister, but such a thing will not happen again. I have had a thousand years to learn my lesson, and it is one I have ensured I will never forget. You make speak of my treachery as openly as you wish, for I will always do so in warning to others. What has been done is done, and while I take no pride in my actions, I will accept them and accept the consequences for them. Celestia did what she had to in order to stop me. I hold no ill against her, nor will I ever.”
Bean nodded slowly while he took this all in. “Can you forgive me if I still hesitate when we mention it? I know I wouldn’t like it if ponies kept pointing out my cooking blunders.”
“I can accept that, but please remember that you will not cause harm by speaking of it. I was Nightmare Moon, just as you are Baked Bean. I will forevermore be willing to accept that fact.”
Bean took a moment to think this over as they began walking again, and it was clear he had a question that was begging to be released.
“Did Star’s… passing, uh, push you over the edge?”
“No. In fact, he actually prevented it,” she replied while they began moving again. “His love undermined my loneliness, and though I grieved at his loss I rejoiced in our life together, and that kept my jealousy and anger at bay for a time.” She gave a soft chuckle, and she shook her head while appearing to remember something. “You know, I couldn’t even begin to count the number of times he warned me and tried to change what would happen. He had a saying, the meaning of which was lost on me until my redemption: ‘all ponies see the light from where they stand.’”
“That’s an interesting phrase.”
“But very true. When a pony stands in darkness, they naturally yearn for the light. Light provides comfort, it dispels shadows, and it brings a sure knowledge of what was once unknown. In the early days of Equestria, there was much to fear in the darkness of night, and since the night was my realm, I was something to fear. From where they stood, the light of Celestia provided a deep and abiding comfort. If I could have taken my beloved’s words to heart, I would have seen that ponies would have eventually seen my light, once they could stand in my dark with peace.”
“The light that we can all see now.” Bean gave a deep smile. “I don’t know how many times I’d just stand outside after a frustrating day of failures and admire your stars. They always seemed to know, somehow, that I was hurting. They always spoke calm reassurances to me when there was no other comfort.”
“And yet, you married my sister,” Luna gave a hearty chuckle. “I could almost accuse you of being flirtatious with such language.”
“Hey, I can love Celly and still admire what you do. There’s no harm in that.”
“No, there isn’t,” she replied with a deeply satisfied smile.
* * ✹ * *
“So, did Discord stop by?” Bean asked while he gave Philomena a gentle scratch under her beak.
“He did, but then he said he had some dishes to unwash.” Celestia gave a bemused shake of her head. “He did leave a… well, a rather ‘unique’ present.”
“That is a gross understatement.” Luna tilted her head and tried to comprehend the splotches of paint on the canvas before her. “I suppose we file this one under the category of ‘surreal?’”
“I will never understand modern art,” Bean added while he looked over the ‘gift’ and tried to make sense of it.
“I believe it is an acquired taste,” Celestia remarked. “However, I thanked him for it and he seemed pleased when I mentioned that I would have it hung in the Gallery at the School for Gifted Unicorns.”
“As long as he’s happy, I suppose.” Bean shrugged.
“Indeed. However, let us move on to a happier topic, shall we? I have been smelling something absolutely delectable ever since you both walked in here, and I am now famished. What did you cook for us, my Love?”
Bean smiled, and he moved back to the cart that held his creation while Luna and Celestia settled in on the cushions around the table. WIth quick and sure movements, he distributed three domed dishes of food, and the Royal Sisters both began to salivate.
“I figured we wanted to keep dinner light, so that there would be room for cake and dessert later, so my offering is a bit simple but very worthwhile.” He smiled and lifted the domes off of the alicorn’s platters. “I have prepared for your enjoyment a quinoa stuffed acorn squash, a delicately curried parsnip soup and an endive salad with plums and apples. I think you’ll find the plums blend quite admirably with the red leaf lettuce, and the parsnip should add just enough sweetness to make everything pop. Please, enjoy! I would love to see what you think.”
“If this tastes half as good as it smells, you’re going to ruin my perception of fine cooking forever,” Celestia offered as she gently spooned out a sip of soup with her magic. “This can not be anything but divine.”
“Let’s see what you think when you actually try it.” Bean offered an amused chuckle while he exposed his own meal. “Then we will render a final judgement.”
“This is acceptable,” Luna remarked after having sampled a bite of everything before her. “I do like the texture and the smoothness of the soup, and the quinoa adds quite the pleasant crunch.”
“Thank you,” Bean offered with growing glee. “And you, my love?”
“I will echo Lulu’s sentiments. This is a meal that is most appreciable in flavor.”
“Glad to hear it,” he replied. “Perhaps I’ll add a bit more basil next time. That might help kick it up a notch.”
“Perhaps.”
The three royals shared some small talk as they ate, and Bean was given a grand retelling of the Birthday that Almost Wasn’t, a rather dubious affair where Luna nearly convinced her parents that Celestia’s eighth birthday had come and gone, thus leading to a near total breakdown of Celestia’s self-control. She had been calmed only after her Father had taken her aside and reassured her that Luna had not sold her story as well as she’d thought, and a pleasant family party was shared that evening, after Luna had apologized. When the last few bites of the meal were ready to be consumed, Bean stood and excused himself to procure the cake and birthday treats, and both Sisters had offered a demure nod while he did so.
As soon as the door shut, however, all decorum was bucked into next week, and pleased grunts of pleasure rumbled out of both Princesses while they quickly devoured the rest of their meals.
“Sister, this is pure ambrosia!” Luna remarked around the food she had squirreled away in her cheeks. “I don’t think I’ll be able to eat anything else again!”
“He’s mine, and his cooking skills are mine,” Celestia greedily replied. “You can’t have him, no matter how much you beg.”
“Pease?” Luna whined with a small pout. “At least let him make that eggplant casserole. I haven’t had a decent one in over a millennia.”
“Oh, all right.” Celestia smiled and dabbed at the corners of her mouth with her napkin. “I suppose I can let him cook one more meal, just for you.”
“Huzzah!”
“I didn’t realize you wanted cake that badly,” Bean quipped. He had entered without a noise, and in his hooves he held a delicious-looking white single tier cake that was surrounded by an assortment of sweets that had either been covertly purchased from Pinkie Pie or would certainly make her jealous with their existence.
“Did you make the cake too?” Celestia asked while only slightly salivating at the offering Bean had brought before them.
“I did, but don’t expect too much out of this. I took too long with dinner, so this is just a simple sponge cake with a lightly whipped frosting.”
“And the rest of it?” Luna asked.
“A small gift from Sugarcube Corner in exchange for a recipe to make rhubarb smoothies. Pinkie is convinced it will be a huge hit, if she can market it properly.”
“You seem to have forgotten something,” Luna replied with a sly grin. “There is a definite lack of candles on that cake.”
“Yeah. I always heard females were sensitive about their age, so I figured Celly would not appreciate having one thousand, two hundred and twenty five flammable reminders all at once. Chef Beet also refused to let me use her blowtorch to get such a large group of wax alight. I fear we will just have to pretend for this year.”
“But there must be at least one candle,” Celestia offered while her magic summoned a small, pre-lit white one, “in order for this to be a proper birthday cake. Besides, how else can I make my birthday wish?”
“How indeed,” Luna gave a soft laugh while the candle was placed in the center of the cake. “So, what will you wish for, Sister?”
“Alas, according to the Treatise on Birthday Wish Fulfilment, Volume 9, I am unable to reveal such, for in so doing I will nullify the desired effect.”
Celestia smiled deeply while Bean settled in under her wing, and once he was comfortable she gently blew out the candle. “However, I believe I can safely say that my wish involves both of you, my life, a rather lengthy amount of time, and a large grouping of cheerful feelings, in no particular order.”
All three of them laughed at her remarks while Luna sliced the cake and served a sizeable portion on paper plates. She then floated over a respectably large box to her sister, who took it in hoof with delight.
“You didn’t have to get me a present, Lulu.”
“When I saw it, I knew I had to. Go ahead.”
“You didn’t gift wrap it,” Bean noted.
“I didn’t want to make too difficult for old and creaky mares to get into.”
“Har har, Sister.” Celesta opened a flap on the box with her magic, but then she slammed it back down with a hearty laugh.
“What did she get you?” Bean asked, and Celestia opened the box fully.
Bean laughed when the item inside floated out. Luna had, somehow, found a stuffed toy version of himself, with bright glass eyes, a soft, velveteen coat and a dopey grin, and Celestia cuddled it in her hooves while her wing hugged the real Bean a bit tighter.
“Oh, I love him! He’s so soft, and plush. Almost as good as the real thing. Thank you, Lulu.”
“You are most welcome. I figured the stuffed version could keep you company if the real one is ever called away on a diplomatic matter.”
“I certainly hope that does not happen, but if it should then this will be a substitute, but only a fair one. The real thing will always be far superior.”
Bean giggled while Celestia booped him, and he could feel his reservoirs of contentment begin to overflow. What else could he ever want out of life beyond what he had, right then and there?
“Happy Birthday, my dear Celly,” he cooed to her.
“And here’s to many more with you,” she replied with soft delight.
* * ✹ * *
“Cady? You coming to bed sometime tonight?” Shining called out.
Light purple eyes rolled in their sockets, and Mi Amore Cadenza offered a silent sigh while she finished swishing her mouthwash. Her doofus was being a doofus again, and she couldn’t help but love his teasing tone.
“Do you want me to come in there with garlic breath?” she threatened after spitting.
“Good point.”
“You did brush your teeth, right?” she asked while she tied off her favorite fluffy robe.
“Uh, yes?”
“Fine. No kisses for you.”
“Aww!” Shining protested, and Cadence laughed while she entered the bedroom proper. “What if I chew some gum real quick, would that work?”
“It’s better than nothing,” she retorted, but then both of them gave a small gasp when a tightly-rolled scroll appeared in front of Cadence out of nowhere.
“Rather late for a message, isn’t it?” Shining observed.
“Well, Aunt Celly has been busy with her birthday,” Cadence replied while her magic snagged and unrolled it. “She’s probably just sending back a reply to my happy birthday message, and…”
Cadence stopped. Her eyes darted back and forth over the words quickly, and Shining felt a small amount of concern mix in with his happiness.
“Everything alright?” he asked after a moment, and he felt his smile grow when he saw hers spread quickly across her face.
A squee of delight then erupted with almost enough love and happiness in it to power the Crystal Heart by itself. This lasted for a good five to six seconds, and then Cadence flipped the scroll around for Shining to see while she began to prance in place.
“Are you just about ready to go, my dear?” Celestia called out while doing a quick double-check of her regalia in the mirror.
“Yeah, I’m good,” he replied. “I’m sorry about messing things up this morning.”
“Think nothing of it.” Celestia giggled. “It’s not very often a pony accidentally eats a bar of soap in the shower.”
“Half bar,” he corrected, “and what can I say? I’m a natural klutz sometimes.”
“But you are a very loveable klutz with morning meadow breath now.” Celestia gave a happy giggle, and Philomena offered a matching, chirping laugh.
“Oh, you too?” Bean laughed. “I suppose I deserve it. Shall we?”
“We shall.” Celestia picked up Bean and placed him on her back, and Philomena joined him. “You will behave yourself, young lady, right?”
Philomena blushed a bit and nodded sheepishly. Bean then grew thoughtful for a moment while Celestia’s magic began to flow.
“You know, Philomena, I remember hearing a small snippet of a story from Luna on the first night of my marriage. She told me of a phoenix that had decided to, how did she put it? Ah yes, ‘traumatize’ poor Fluttershy during her rebirth cycle. That didn’t just so happen to be you, did it?”
Philomena nodded again and gave a chirp that sounded like ‘guilty as charged’ to Bean.
“I bet Fluttershy will be happy to see you again anyway,” Bean remarked while he felt time and space begin to distort with the teleportation spell. “She doesn’t strike me as the type to hold a grudge.”
One quick pop and a flash of golden magic later found Bean, Celestia, and Philomena in Fluttershy’s front room. Bean glanced around quickly while he was lowered to the ground, and a happy squawk from Philomena matched the subdued greeting from the hostess of the party.
“Well hello, Philomena!” Fluttershy held out a hoof, and Philomena gave the pegasus a quick nuzzle in greeting once she landed. “What a pleasant surprise! I’m very glad to see you. How are you?”
Philomena offered a quick succession of cheerful chirps, and Fluttershy nodded. “I see. Well, it sounds like you’ve been having lots of fun with the Prince! How long will you be staying in Canterlot?”
“Celestia!” Discord bellowed, with a bone-popping hug and a massive grin for the diarch. “So good to see you again! I’m so delighted you’ve joined us for tea.”
“Hello to you too, Discord,” Celestia offered with an awkward pat on his back to return the ‘hug.’ “May I safely assume at this point that you will greet us in such a manner for every tea date?”
“But of course! I totally expect you to be too busy to join us, so it’s always a joy to find you here. And Bean-o! You made it too!”
“But of course!” Bean echoed back with a quick hoofbump for Discord’s outstretched paw. “It’s good to see you again, too. How’s that pool coming?”
“Oh, you know,” he scoffed. “Subcontractor issues abound. I can’t get anypony to give me a decent quote on my Ode to Discord’s Chaos mosaic I want to have installed on the bottom. It’s almost like they expect money to grow on trees in the Chaos zone.”
“It doesn’t?”
“Bean-o, there are some things you simply do not mess with, even if you are the Master of Chaos. The last thing I need is some dreaded Escrow attacking my house and eating my capital gains.”
“Good thing Celestia has kept me away from the Finance ministry then.”
“You have no idea. Fluttershy, do you need any help with the tea?”
“Oh, no, thank you,” she replied while holding up a fireberry with a wing for Philomena’s enjoyment. “Everything should be ready, I just need to bring it out.”
“Oh, wait!” Bean groaned. “I forgot the cookies.”
“It was a busy morning, after all.” Celestia gave him a wink. “I will make sure we bring extra next week to make up for it.”
“Oh, and I was looking forward to your cookies.” Discord pouted while the three of them settled in on the furniture. “They’re quite addictive.”
“Sorry. I really did mean to get them done.”
“Well, I suppose I can forgive you this one time.” He huffed while Fluttershy wheeled in the tea and treats. “But don’t let it happen again!”
“I won’t, don’t worry. Fluttershy, where is Harry?”
“Oh, he sends his apologies,” Fluttershy giggled while she handed out tea cups. “His mother came by for a visit this week.”
“I suppose that would take priority over us.”
“Yes, but his mother dotes on him so, and it drives him crazy sometimes,” Fluttershy giggled. “She is a very picky bear, and poor Harry never seems to get her requests right. The last time she came, the porridge was too hot, his chairs were too hard, and his guest bed was too stiff. I offered to help him, but he said he thinks he has everything just right this time, so long as he doesn’t break her favorite chair.”
“I can totally understand persnickety parents.” Bean rubbed his chin while Celestia began to pour the tea. “I wouldn’t be very happy if someone broke my favorite chair, either.”
“It would take quite a bit of effort to break the throne, Bean-o,” Discord offered with a sly bob of his eyebrows.
“Actually, it’s the third chair from the end on the far side of the table in the dining room,” Bean replied with a small laugh. “I don’t know why, but that thing is comfy! I’ve threatened to move it into the throne room a few times, but Celly keeps telling me no.”
“Luna would miss it,” Celestia offered while blowing the steam away from her tea.
“That she would,” Bean had to agree.
“So how are things in Canterlot, Bean-o?” Discord asked before taking a large bite out of his teacup. “Did Wysteria ever get around to telling her coltfriend the big news?”
“She did, actually, just yesterday.”
“Oh? How did that go over?” he asked, and he leaned forward in anticipation and with a huge grin. “Do tell, please.”
“Discord, you know royals don’t gossip,” Bean chided.
Discord gave Bean a highly annoyed look. “Bean-o, you really need to liven up. Your chaos production as of late has been trending downward, and that’s not a good sign.”
“Should I tell him, Celly?”
“I suppose we both should,” she replied. “Wysteria did give us permission, after all.”
“Very well then,” Bean offered, and Discord let out a small squeal of delight. “Let’s see. I suppose the best place to start would be yesterday morning…”
Wysteria Inkwell was already sick of being pregnant.
Her mother had warned her about morning sickness, and the Inkwell Curse. There had been descriptive warnings about what would happen when she first conceived, and how long it would last. From there, things would get worse, until by the end of it she’d be so bloated and nauseous that the only thing she’d be able to do is roll over in bed and eat three-day old onion peels that had been boiled in cacti juice. At the time, Wysteria had been able to shrug off Mama Inkwell’s tales of hormonal doom with the knowledge that Mama always did tend to be overdramatic.
But based on the severity and frequency of trips to the lavatory and the special bags she now carried with her for ‘just in case,’ she was beginning to fear Mama had been right about everything.
Maybe the little one inside her would be nice and allow her to hold down pickle juice instead of onions. She hated onions.
But, it was time for court now, and violent reminders of her previous meal at random moments or not, she was going to do as much of her job as she could for as long as possible. The work of Equestria went forward, and while the Princess could probably handle things on her own, Wysteria would have to admit she felt a twinge of betrayal whenever she wasn’t there to take care of the minutiae that needed attending to.
A few pages on her clipboard flipped while she walked to the throne room, and a quick note was jotted down to remind her to check on her maternity leave benefits. Eventually she would need to use them, but not yet. Not yet.
“You are going to tell us what happened, right?” Discord asked with annoyance.
“Don’t ask the aspiring author to tell you a story if you don’t want background details,” Bean retorted with an assured smile.
“Fine. Proceed.”
Wysteria sighed softly as she walked, and her mind went to the one thing it had been preoccupied with ever since she’d found out about this little dilemma: how was she going to tell Quill? She’d already spent a couple of sleepless nights trying to figure out how to break the news and how the conversation would go, but this always led to more questions and more worry about how he would react and what he’d say.
But she knew she had to tell, and the sooner the better. His reaction to her news would only become worse with time, and come what may, she would feel much better about the situation once she knew where they stood and what the path forward was going to look like.
At least she had the support of her employers. Princess Celestia and Prince Bean had been profuse in their statements of support, and Luna had burst out in joyful glee when she had caught the secretary the morning after the revelation, with a lengthy list of names that would pair with Inkwell and a promise to present the newborn with his or her own star upon arrival, if not before. Even Princess Cadence had sent a reply letter with an offer to induct her new foal as an honorary member of the Empire, complete with a Crystalling and special shipment of the finest Crystal baby toys that could be produced.
But, yet again, that left the matter of Quill. While Wysteria would absolutely love if, somehow, it could be arranged for Quill to be dragged before Celestia in chains... No, just presented before Her Highness and have the daytime diarch calmly explain everything to the loyal guard, and to then force his acceptance of the foal and his role in her life…
“No,” she muttered. There was nothing right about that. Despite her urgent longing for him to step up and to take responsibility for his part in this, there was a very clear possibility that he would walk away from it all, and she knew she would have to respect that, in the end. Ponies were creatures that could choose, and that meant there would always be the option that a choice would not be what one wanted it to be.
“Wysteria!”
“Quill?!”
Wysteria began to hyperventilate. Not yet! She wasn’t ready! She hadn’t had a chance to cross-reference her notes, or to formulate the rebuttal to the Parental Paradigm yet, or—
“There you are!” he grunted, and for a brief moment, Wysteria latched onto the fact that he was in his civilian attire and that he held what looked like a tabloid paper in his magic. “We need to talk.”
“We do. I mean, we do?” she asked with a nervous twitch under her right eye.
“Yeah. Have you seen today’s edition of the Equestrian Exposé?” He held the paper up for her to see, and her panic increased to heart attack inducing levels when she saw the bold headline proclaiming her pregnancy and an exclusive list of her possible dalliances on page six.
“What?” she breathlessly asked. “How did they…”
“Oh my,” Fluttershy stated in worry with a hoof to her mouth. “I didn’t think that that nasty article was actually true.”
“Yeah, it was a bit of a shock when we saw it, too.” Bean gave a long suffering chuckle. “I know it’s important, but that whole freedom of the press thing can be a bit obnoxious sometimes. Did we find out who gave them that scoop, love?”
“Not as of yet,” Celestia replied thoughtfully, “but I would imagine it was one of the guests in the palace that day. It may prove to be rather difficult to pinpoint who exactly overheard.”
“I guess it doesn’t matter too much since the cat is out of the bag,” Bean shrugged. “Anyway…”
“I know, right?” Quill replied. “I was pretty shocked when I saw it. I mean, I can’t believe that Countess Coloratura would snub Songbird Serenade at the Whinnys of all places, can you?”
“What?” The gears in Wysteria’s head were beginning to grind together hard enough to generate smoke. “Coloratura?”
“Yeah. I’d heard that she didn’t like Songbird’s sudden rise to fame, but this just seems petty now.”
“Wait, wait.” Wysteria held up one hoof for a moment, then began rubbing the base of her horn. “You’re not here to talk about diva pop stars.”
“No, I’m not,” he sighed and rubbed the back of his head. “I’m here about the… thing.”
“Look, Quill, I’m so sorry,” Wysteria quickly offered. “I have no idea how they found out about this so soon. Someone must have overheard me when I was talking to Prince Bean, and—”
“It’s the tabloids,” Quill snapped, totally chopping off Wysteria’s practiced and edited confession. “I don’t know why they’re printing this kind of salacious innuendo about you, but I’m going to get a few of the guys from work, and we’ll have a little ‘talk’ to the editor tonight—”
“I’m pregnant,” said Wysteria. “I’m really pregnant and you’re the father and there’s no reason to go beat up that poor editor... well, I suppose if you’ve already got it planned, I could set up an alibi, but—”
Wysteria managed a tense smile, although any passing ponies would have fled in terror at her expression. “Say something, Quill.”
“You’re really pregnant?” Guards had the most irritating ability to keep a perfectly impassive expression, and although Wysteria wanted to shake him until more words came out, she held herself back.
“I am. You can check with Doctor Horsenpfeffer if you don’t believe me.”
Quill blinked a few times while he mulled this information over. “No, I can believe it. It explains a whole lot of what’s going on. Who have you told?”
“Officially, I’ve only told my family, my employers, and Princess Cadance.” She swatted the paper with one hoof. “Obviously I’m missing a pony somewhere in that.”
“So, who would have…” Quill trailed off with a shake of his head. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter how they found out, what matters is what’s going to happen to us now.”
“What do you think needs to happen?” Wysteria asked, with no shortage of trepidation in her words.
“I am the father, right?”
“I don’t know how it could be anypony else. I’m pretty sure this happened back when we were on vacation.”
“That’s what I figured. So you are, what? Two months along, roughly?”
“Closer to six weeks.”
“Huh. Look, I, uh…”
Wysteria realized that now would be a fantastic time to remain silent while the Corporal sorted out his thoughts. Besides, part of her breakfast was trying to crawl up her throat, and it was taking all of her concentration to keep it down.
“I’m torn a bit, Wys. I really am,” he offered with a nervous glance around. “I mean, I’m stoked that I’ll get to be a Dad, and that I’ll have a little Quill Jr. to raise. I always hoped I could start a family at some point. But I’m also nervous about how this will affect our careers, and how you’re going to react, and what this means for our relationship. We really don’t know each other very well yet, and I don’t want us to be forced into an unnatural relationship over this.”
“Unnatural?”
“Yeah. I had an uncle that was forced to marry my aunt after this same thing happened, and he has to be one of the most miserable ponies I’ve ever met. He constantly blames my aunt for what happened to him, how her advances derailed the plans for his life, and how she forced him to take care of the foals they had together.”
“They had more than one?”
“Oh yeah. Twelve, actually. He demanded all of the perks without any of the responsibilities. They finally divorced a few years ago, and my cousins want nothing to do with him. That had an impact on me, and I don’t want to have my kids go through that.”
“And I don’t want that either,” Wysteria replied with a heavy sigh. “I want my foals to feel loved, and respected, and I want them to be successful in life.”
“Do you even want to keep this foal?”
“I’m keeping him,” Wysteria said with enough force to make Quill stumble back a step. “Or her. Or them, I suppose, since twins run in our family. Oh, Discord better not hear that. Him. I’m going… going with him for now, because he’s been… been making me—”
She darted to one side of the hallway and promptly hurled into a convenient vase, with the sudden onset of symptoms causing her to forget the emergency bags she had been toting around. It appeared that nerves only made her nausea worse, and while she finished emptying her stomach, she realized her current profession was going to make this a very long pregnancy.
“Ugh, and this is a Platinum-era vase,” Wysteria groaned. “It’s going to take at least two weeks to restore. I’m going to have to pay for that out of my salary.”
“Has this been happening a lot?”
Wysteria fought back a dry heave, but a soft smile came with the feeling of Quill’s heavy hoof patting her gently on the back. At that exact moment, it was the most comforting feeling in all of Equestria.
“It comes and goes, but it seems to be tied to how stressed out I feel. It seems like I’m good for at least two ‘incidents’ in a day, though. I dread to think what will happen when he gets big enough to mess with my bladder.”
“Oh, wow. You’ve got to be feeling miserable.”
“I was,” she replied with a glance over her shoulder to him. “But I’m getting better.”
“Look, I… uh, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do right here. I want to tell you it’ll all be fine, but I don’t totally believe that myself. I guess we just need to keep your stress levels down. Oh, and about that Quill Junior crack? It’s okay if you want to name him something else. Or her. Or them, if you’re going to have twins, but do you really think that’s going to happen? Because I can’t think of any names other that Quill, so I’d have to call them One, Two, Three, and so on like my Uncle did, and—I’m going to be a father?”
“If you want to be one,” Wysteria gently offered.
“I think I want to be,” he offered, “but I think we need to start over with all this. If we’re going to make it as parents, then we need to work on us first.”
“Did you have something in mind on how to start?” Wysteria’s horn gently crossed his, and her heart took a small leap when she saw his tail flick in happiness.
“One thing. You need some mouthwash.”
“Thanks,” she dryly replied while they pulled apart, but she did have a slight smile for the joke.
“In all seriousness, if we’re going to go forward with this then we need to be open with one another.”
“I totally agree with that, but how do we begin?”
Wysteria felt herself tense as the seconds beat by. He needed to say something quickly, or that vase was going to get topped off.
“I thought the last Daring Do was overrated. There. I said it.”
“I…” she paused a moment, then shook her head in bemusement. “All right. That’s as good a place as any to start. What do you like to read?”
“I really like the Rockhoof and the Great Helm series. One of the best out there, if you ask me.”
“Rockhoof? That is so juvenile.”
“Hey! My family comes from the old Colt Isles! That’s Heritage!”
“Oh? So I suppose you are a fan of The Eager Mares of the Cinnamon Islands?”
“I never read that one, actually.” He blushed a bit and rubbed the back of his head. “I’d never hear the end of it if I got caught with that in the barracks.”
“Where exactly did your family come from?”
“In a place on the coast called the Cloven Hills…”
“So, they’re going to try to make this work?” Discord asked.
“From what I understand of the situation, yes,” Bean replied. “It’s going to take a lot of work to integrate their libraries, but I think they’ll figure it out and everything will be fine in the end.
“It sounds like they’re off to a good start,” Fluttershy offered happily. “I think they’ll be a cute couple, once they figure things out.”
“Yes,” Discord yawned. “I’m sure, but you ponies tend to be so boring with things like this! They couldn’t be bothered to have just a teeny-weeny fight? I really wonder about your species sometimes.”
“That would be the magic of friendship at work, Discord,” Bean offered.
“Ugh, friendship. Friendship can’t solve all problems, Bean.”
“But it does take care of a good majority.”
Discord pouted and folded his arms. “I suppose so, but still. If they’re going to be so calm about this whole thing, then I’m calling her baby shower off. She clearly would not appreciate my pre-loaded diaper gift.”
“Oh, there’s still plenty of chaos, don’t worry,” Bean offered. “I haven’t told you what happened after that.”
“There’s more?” Discord asked warily. “This had better be worth it.”
“I swear, I didn’t do this!” Quill protested with a great deal of alarm. “I had to be a good five feet away from him, there’s no way I could have tripped him! I mean, I maybe thought about it, but I would never actually do such a thing! He must have tripped, and I really was going to chase him down the stairs! This is all just a horrible accident, Your Highness!”
“Oh, I have no doubt of that,” Celestia replied with a kind note in her words. Her magic gently turned the editor of the Equestrian Exposé hoof side down, and she placed him on the floor before continuing. “But it is remarkably good luck that I just happened to be here, and that I was able to catch him before he hit the bottom of the stairwell.”
“Right! Just a mistake!”
“Exactly. Now, Mister Nut Graf, shall we discuss your article?”
There wasn’t much of a reply from the editor, other than the look of one who was having their life flash before them, and a lot of hyperventilating.
“He is going to be fine, isn’t he?”
“I’m sure he will be, once his panic attack is over,” Celestia replied. “He is shaken but otherwise unharmed.”
“He did trip, didn’t he?”
“I do not know what else it could have been. Now, Mister Graf, focus! There we go. I need to run along to the throne room. Prince Bean is there, and he will give you the Crown’s official position on Miss Inkwell and her employment status here. I’ll be right along once I deal with Corporal Quillpoint.”
Nut Graf staggered away on shaky and unsure steps while muttering “so many stairs” to himself, and Quill gulped loudly while Celestia’s full attention came to him.
“Please let your friends in the guard know that Mister Graf will not be causing any more issues for Miss Inkwell. Prince Bean and I have the situation well in hoof.”
“I don’t want to know how you’re going to do that. That’s got to be a good five levels above my pay grade.”
“Why, we will simply offer him an official position, of course. How else would we handle it?”
“Celly, you little minx! I knew you had it in you!” Discord cackled with glee.
“I have no idea what you are referring to. I simply happened to be in an optimal place to save Nut Graf from a rather nasty injury, nothing more.”
“Right, and I’m a Yak.” He leaned back and gave her a smug smile. “I have to say, you’re beginning to show potential as of late. I think I’ll blame your husband for that.”
“If the horseshoe fits,” Bean shrugged with a smile before he gave his Celestia a kiss. “I’ll take the blame for that any day.”
When teatime occurred within Fluttershy’s humble but loving cottage, the various animals she tended to would spend the time outside, and today was a fine day to enjoy the pleasantness that the weather team had crafted for Ponyville that day. Birds frollicked in the branches and bantered to and fro from their birdhouses, the mice and chipmunks happily shared a nut feast that had been prepared, as they usually did for these occasions, and the bunnies were happily hopping about a large green meadow as they sniffed and sampled the daisies in bloom.
Except for Angel. He had hopped into town to see if he could sneak a few treats from Sugarcube Corner, even though he had been told he needed to watch his weight.
Indeed, a casual observer would not have seen anything amiss about the rabbit who was sitting nearby and looking in on the tea party. He seemed to be a rather ordinary grey, with ordinary ears, an ordinary but adorable cotton ball tail, and ordinary whiskers.
But a more astute and lengthy observation of the unremarkable fluff would have yielded a singular sight. A plump and puffy-cheeked gopher soon appeared next to the rabbit, glanced at him, then to the window where he was watching, and then back again.
“Bob.”
“Thorax,” the bunny replied without looking away. “You’re looking well today.”
“Shut up. You know I can’t pull off rodents.”
“No, really. This is one of your best. You just look very well-fed, nothing more. I assume you gorged yourself in town?”
“Since our Queen will just steal it anyway, I figured I might as well enjoy it for a bit,” he grumbled in reply.
“Fair enough. I assume you’re here for a status update?”
“Yeah. How’s it going? Can you hear what he’s saying?”
“Not from here, but I’m not after that today. I’m studying his mannerisms: his little ticks and the way he carries himself. Did you know he blinks once every three point seven seconds?”
“That’s… a bit creepy that you know that.”
“It’s how you pull off a successful swap.”
“I’m just glad she picked you and not me. I don’t want to be anywhere near Celestia when she finds out you’re not him.”
“All the more reason for me to get this right. There, see? He just twitched his ear ever so slightly. He does that when somepony says something that he thinks will be interesting. It’s like he’s subconsciously turning his attention fully to it.”
“So, does all this mean you’re ready to move forward?”
Bob shook his adorably furry head. “Not yet. I still need more time. I wouldn’t be able to fool the Bringer of Bedlam for five seconds. That yellow one, maybe. Oh, but you should go get a treat from her before you leave. They’re magically delicious, somehow.”
Thorax nodded. “I’ll consider it. Our Queen is still working on the magic negation stones, so you can take some more time. She will be pleased with your progress.”
“She should be. Oh, let Mandible know I’m going to need more bits, too. The price of the guided tour went up, and that’s the only safe way to sneak in into the palace.”
“Oh, that’ll make him happy. He came home last night with enough water in his coat to fill a bathtub. It would seem dishwashing is quite the soaking experience.”
They both laughed slightly at their fellowling’s discomfort, and then there was a long pause as the two of them continued to watch the party.
“And… there. See how he just nodded? That means they’re wrapping up. He does that whenever the conversation begins to wind down. It’s remarkable what you can learn about a pony just by watching them.”
“I’ll take your word on that.”
“Don’t worry, Thorax. By the time we do make the swap, I’ll be more of a Bean than he ever was. Just do what you need to do, and trust our Queen. Everything will be just perfect.”
Bean groaned a little, muttered something about more rest, and then tried to curl up into a compact ball of sleepy stallion under Celestia’s wing.
“Boop.”
Something was touching his nose. He grumbled again with the realization that Celestia’s wing was conspicuously absent, but his nose slowly began to sneak towards whatever was touching it.
“Boop.”
His neck stretched out a little more. Sleep had checked out for the day on him, but he was willing to play along with this little game for a few moments more. He was pretty extra sure he knew who was booping him, and it was his birthday, after all.
“Boop!”
“Boop?” One eye popped open, and a smile began to tug at the corners of his mouth. Celestia was laying before him with a playful grin and a hoof in the air that was ready to strike.
“Boop,” she repeated, and the hoof gently struck his nose.
“I think I like the other boop better.”
“But that is not a boop, technically,” she replied. “A proper boop requires a hoof to touch a nose. You and I have been sharing fraudulent boops.”
“Oh, the horror.” He yawned, and then his hoof reached out and touched his beloved’s nose. “Boop back, then.”
“You dare touch my most royal nose?” she exclaimed in mock fury, and her smile couldn’t be any wider if she’d tried. “I shall have to punish you for such insolence.”
“And how do you plan to do that, exactly?”
“By making you age by one year today.”
“A fitting punishment,” he replied while he gratefully accepted her quick kiss. “That should be in about an hour, I believe.”
“Happy almost birthday, then.” Celestia gave a playful giggle while they both stood. “Care to raise the sun with me?”
“I would be honored and delighted to do so, my dear,” he replied while they nuzzled each other. “And then I would be delighted to spend my day of birth with you.”
“You are most fortunate,” she replied with a warmth in her words that sent Bean’s universe into perfect harmony, “for I wish to spend this day with you.”
“Do you think anypony else would like to celebrate with us?”
Celestia’s eyes sparkled with a knowledge of something mischievous, but she simply clicked her tongue. “I am unsure on that. Philomena, would you like to spend the day with Bean?”
Bean laughed while Philomena let out a trill and flapped over to land on his head. She then settled into his bedraggled mane and gave a rapid sequence of chirps and squawks that sounded like she not only wanted to spend the day with him, she would be honored to do so, and that she would remain right where she was for the remainder of the day.
“That settles it, then.” Celestia’s light laugh was the summation of pure bliss for Bean, and he was pretty extra sure that he’d never find such delight in any other place. “That makes two. Should we ask Lulu if she would care to join us?”
Bean glanced around the bedroom in expectation of her being physically present. “I don’t think there’s enough room on the top of my head.” He shared a small giggle with Celestia before finishing his thought. “However, she may want to walk with us. It would all depend on how irritated she is with me at the moment.”
“To your credit, I don’t think you’ve irritated her for quite some time now,” Celestia observed. “I would even go so far as to say that she sees you as something like a brother.”
“You think so?” Bean asked with subdued delight. “I’d be happy if she just saw me as a friend, so if she really does think that, well…”
“You are a very endearing pony, my finely aged Bean,” Celestia replied with a kiss for her beloved. “You have won my heart, after all.”
“I still wake up and wonder how I managed to do that at times. Why should any fair and noble Princess of Equestria have any sort of feelings for me? It really is an astounding thing when I think too much about it. I am here, beside the universally beloved Princess Celestia, Bringer of the Day and Mare of the Morn. I feel her dewdrop coat against my own coarse hide, and her ethereal mane is intertwining with my strawbale of a hairdo. Why would such a perfect mare want to be in any sort of a relationship with me?”
“Should I tell you the answer?” she replied while they trotted out to the balcony. “Or perhaps I can show you?”
“Could I have both, please?”
“If you two are going to start kissing then I’m leaving,” Luna announced. “Three’s company in such cases.”
“I’ll take a raincheck on that answer, love.” Bean gave her a wink, and then turned to the other ruler of Equestria. “Good morning, Luna! How did last night go?”
“It was remarkably uneventful,” she replied. “In fact, I was able to catch a nap, so I do believe I can be awake during most of your birthday celebrations.”
“Really? I’d love to have you with us today. I have to admit I feel bad that we don’t see you much.”
“I appreciate your sentiment, Bean,” Luna warmly wrapped a wing over him, “but do not trouble yourself with such thoughts. Duty demands that my time with my friends and family will forever be somewhat limited, but I always cherish the time that I have with them. You and Celestia provide me with all the companionship that I need, and then some. My nights are made all the more whole because of your concern and your love.”
Bean’s smile was as wide as Canterlot when he felt Celestia’s wing wrap over him as well, and he felt like he might burst when he saw both sisters smiling just as broadly back to him. There he stood, the commoner who had somehow beguiled a princess, with the love and support of a wife and a family that he never in a million years would have guessed he would have.
“This is already the best birthday ever,” he gently replied. “I mean, it’s so good that I might leak some liquid pride here in a moment.”
“Go right ahead,” Luna replied while her magic began to reach out for her moon. “I won’t judge.”
“Really?” Celestia interjected.
“Well, not very much,” she admitted with a low chuckle.
Bean closed his eyes and sighed deeply as he felt the last whips of moonlight descend before the horizon. With his sister-in-law so close, it was easy to feel the cool, calm, and collected touch that her magic brought to the moment, and he couldn’t help but offer a small laugh with the thought that next proceeded.
“Do you find something amusing about my work?” Luna asked with playful ire.
“Not at all, actually,” he replied. “I was just thinking about how calm this moment is, and how peaceful this all feels. If you’ll forgive this commoner of a bit of impertinence, I was making the comparison to what you were as Nightmare Moon to what you are now. I feel no anger, no malice, no jealousy. The sun rises as the moon sets, and all is peace, just as it should be. I’m a bit amazed, really, at your self-control. I’m positive I wouldn’t even be a fraction of the way to where you are, if I had experienced what you have.”
Luna said nothing to this, and Bean’s ears folded back. Had he said something wrong? He gasped when he saw a tear trickle down the lunar Diarch’s cheek, and he instantly began to try and undo the damage he’d done.
“Wait, I don’t think that came out the way I meant it to. What I was trying to say was—”
Luna hushed him gently and with a deep smile. “Don’t try to change what you said, Bean. You spoke from the heart, and it was perfect the way it was.”
“You do know I meant it all in good ways, right?”
“I do, Bean. One of my greatest fears is that I will relapse into what I once was, and I have been taking great pains ever since my return to ensure that I do not tread that path again. If you have spoken truth to me, and I believe you have, then I have progressed further than I could have ever hoped. Thank you, Bean.”
Bean caught his wife taking a quick glance at his flank out of the corner of his eye, and he stifled a chuckle. Either his wife was enjoying a view that had nothing to do with the sunrise, or she was taking a quick peek to make sure he hadn’t somehow added a moon to his already crowded flank. When she met his eyes, though, he felt a surge of peace that couldn’t be fully described, nor did he think he could ever find it in any other place. In that moment, he caught a glimpse of what Celestia the Princess was after, what the endgame to all of her efforts. The pure perfection that he was sharing with the Diarchs of Equestria was what she wanted to bring to all, no matter how many centuries it might take.
“Would you like to raise the sun today, my love?” Celestia gently asked, with a soft peck on his cheek.
“I would be honored to, my beloved.”
“Hold it.” Luna’s wing retreated, and she moved three steps to the left quickly while Philomena took a short flight from Bean’s head to Luna’s back. “I don’t want to go through your birthday smelling of burnt hair. Now you may raise the sun.”
Both Bean and Celestia chuckled before Bean reached out again for his wife’s heavenly orb. He hadn’t had the opportunity to raise it since that transcendent day on the cloud, but he was beyond delighted to again assist. He couldn’t help but giggle a bit in joy as he felt his wife’s magic weave in with his while he gently touched the sun, but his breath did still when he felt that all-consuming fire gently wrap around his heart.
Was it really the power of the sun he felt, or was it Celestia’s love that was directly touching his soul?
Perhaps it was both, Bean realized, as he gently guided the sun upwards. It was a curious thought, but perhaps the sun was something of a physical embodiment of love. Both helped to sustain life, both helped growth and progress, both brought peace and direction to those who were in darkness.
But if it was or if it wasn’t, Bean didn’t really care. What mattered to him is that his beloved Celestia was more than willing to share it with him, and come what may, he would always share it back.
Bean felt a residual tingling in his system once he had finished setting the sun into position for the day, and his heart skipped a few beats when his beloved wife’s wing held him just a bit tighter and her lips gently tickled the inside of his ear.
“You’re a natural, my dear Bean. We make a good team together.”
“That we do.”
* * ✹ * *
“Birthday pancakes!” Bean proclaimed with a gleeful and unrestrained shout. “Nothing better than birthday pancakes.”
“And they differ from regular pancakes in what way?” Luna had to ask.
“They have been finely crafted on my birthday!” Bean proclaimed while Celestia placed three plates down on the table. “Otherwise, they’re the same, unless you did something to them, my dear.”
“I have either added extra love to them, or extra strawberries,” Celestia replied with a playful grin. “It will be up to you to determine which one, however.”
Bean scoffed. “You added love.”
“Perhaps you should not challenge the gourmet chef to determine what you did differently, sister,” Luna chuckled.
“Hey, I love extra love in my food, for the record,” Bean replied. “You can never have too much of that.”
“I will admit that is true.”
“Will you be joining us for court today, Luna?” Bean eagerly asked around a large bite. “I’d love to have you with us, if you could.”
“I was planning on accompanying both of you today, provided you will have me,” Luna replied with a slight laugh. “Unless you choke on your breakfast, that is.”
Bean chewed for a moment, tried to swallow, chewed a bit more, and then gagged slightly while he swallowed. The action made his eyes bulge slightly, and he took a deep breath once the food cleared his pipes.
“No choking on birthdays. It’s a new law I just came up with.”
“It shall be done,” Luna proclaimed. “And not a moment too soon, either. Do you have any other plans for this, the day of your birth?”
“I was expressly told to not make plans, so my day is at your disposal, it would seem.”
“And you will be rewarded for doing so,” Luna replied with a smirk. “I have consulted with my sister for many hours to determine the best use of this time, and the plans that we have crafted together should prove to be enjoyable.”
“It already is, so whatever you two planned will only add to that.”
“And add we shall, but first there is breakfast. We should not let these perfectly good pancakes go to waste.”
Three pairs of eyes then turned to Sergeant Clover while she strode into the dining hall and saluted.
“Yes, Sergeant?” Celestia got the question out first.
“We have just received a message from Miss Inkwell via Corporal Quillpoint, and she wishes to inform you that she will not be coming in to work today, quote, ‘due to my stomach deciding it wants to do the pony pokey,’ unquote. She hopes to return tomorrow, however.”
“Very well. Is the Corporal here?”
“He is around here somewhere, ma’am.”
“Please go dismiss him for the day and have him assist Miss Inkwell in whatever way he can. He is supposed to be keeping an eye on her, after all.”
“Tell him to go pick up some peppermint tea to bring to her,” Luna suggested with an understanding gleam in her eye. “I used to chew nothing but mint leaves for months when I was with foal. It was my saving grace.”
Clover nodded and dipped her head in acknowledgement, smiled, and then left as quickly as she’d come. Bean frowned a little as he thought about Wysteria’s misery, but then he had an idea that helped his smile to return.
“Celly, what would you say if I suggested making a soup for Wys to enjoy this evening? I think a nice vegetable minestrone might do wonders for her.”
“I would say that you have a marvelous idea that should be acted upon. How long would it take you to make it?”
“If I eat real quick I could get it started now and then let it slowly simmer throughout the day. That should infuse the broth with some nice flavors and a few nutrients, just in case that’s all she can handle.”
“I believe we can make time to act upon that.” Celestia cut a large piece of pancake off and stuffed it into her mouth. “And I will hurry and eat so I can help you.”
“I shall eat normally, so at least one of us stands a chance at surviving this meal,” Luna added with a shake of her head.
* * ✹ * *
“Floating along in the air on my birthday,” Bean sang cheerfully while swinging his legs in a slow approximation of the doggy paddle. “Got a blindfold on, doo doot doo, wife’s gonna surprise me with something once she puts me down, doot doo…”
“Your rhyming skills are somewhat lacking,” Luna noted with a playful scoff.
“That they are, Luna, wherever you are. Would you prefer I sing Modern Pony General? I usually do pretty good until I get to the ‘bothered for a rhyme’ part.”
“Perhaps later. We have arrived.”
Bean felt his hooves make contact with the ground, and he began dancing in place while he waited for his blindfold to be removed. “I don’t even care what this first present is. The only thing that matters is that you both went through the effort of procuring it for me. I still say I’m getting a stock pot.”
“I think this may be up a bit from that,” Celestia whispered into his ear while she removed the blindfold.
Bean couldn’t find his breath for a moment, let alone words. The best he could manage was to fall back on his haunches in an effort to take in the totality of what he was seeing.
Yesterday, the stained glass window before him had depicted his beloved Celestia in a gracefully flying pose, her wings fully outstretched and her head tilted slightly upwards towards the sun.
Today, the glass had been given a large infusion of yellow.
Baked Bean, in stained glass form, was in the middle of booping his beloved with his nose, and both of them looked rather pleased with this circumstance. Beneath their feet stood a strong and vibrant patch of sunflowers, and above them was a rendering of Baked Bean’s cutie mark, complete with the words of devotion that had been transcribed upon both his book and his heart.
“What do you think, my love?” Celestia pointed to him in the window. “I personally feel that you’re a bit less yellow than that, but otherwise I’m quite pleased with how it turned out.”
“It’s… it…”
Celestia’s wing wrapped Bean up and pulled him in tight against her. “I think you have some excess liquid pride that needs to be expelled.”
“I’m not even going to hide it, these are full-on tears of joy. It’s glorious.”
Nothing was said for a few moments as the three Royals looked over the glass, but there were ample sniffles, and not just from Bean. Once he was able to regain some of his composure, he both hugged and kissed his wife before asking a question of her.
“Did you come up with the motif?”
“Both of us designed this.” Celestia nodded to Luna, who gave a small nod and smile. “In fact, she was the one who did most of the work and planning to bring this about. If anypony can claim this project as their own, it is she.”
“Is this the present you mentioned a couple of weeks ago?” He asked her.
“It is part of it. I have yet more in store for you.”
“You got me a stock pot too, didn’t you?”
“Why do you want a stock pot so badly?” Luna had to laugh. “I’m beginning to worry about you.”
“Just beginning? I would think you started worrying about me when I first popped out of those sunflowers.”
“Perhaps I have begun to worry too late, but I suppose there is little I can do about that now. However, I believe we should move on to the next part of your birthday.”
“I’d like that.” Bean sighed with deep joy while he took another long look over the new window. “But I’m not sure how you’ll top this. Will there be an official unveiling sometime?”
“That will be tomorrow morning. It should prove to be a short press conference: the press usually takes a few photographs and then they move on to other affairs.”
“Their loss,” Bean remarked. “So where to?”
“We should probably get to day court,” Celestia replied. “Once we finish with that, we can move on to the party that I’m not supposed to tell you about.”
Luna gave her sister a playful glare and a small harrumph. “That was going to be a surprise.”
“I’ll still act surprised, how’s that?” Bean offered.
“I believe that will be acceptable.”
* * ✹ * *
“Birthday court, birthday court,” Bean hummed with Philomena’s whistled melody. “Sitting with my wife during birthday court.”
“You are bound and determined to add ‘birthday’ to everything you do today, aren’t you?” Celestia asked.
“Hah, you said it again,” Bean leaned over to give her a kiss, “and yes. I do plan on doing this all day.”
“I shall plan accordingly then. Sergeant Pepper, please escort the first birthday petitioner.”
“Birthday petition!” Bean squealed, and laughter was shared with his wife over Luna’s groan.
The first birthday petitioner was a pleasant brown pegasus, and he trotted in with a steady step while glancing around at the opulence of the throne room. He then offered a courteous dip of his head to the royals before answering Luna’s question of his name and the nature of his petition.
“I am known simply as Feathers, Your Highness, and I just have one request to make today, if that’s alright.”
“And what is that?”
“Could I get a picture with you?” he respectfully asked. “All of you? I’ve got a twenty-bit wager going with some buddies back home that I wouldn’t be able to meet you during my visit here.”
“And where are you from?” Luna pressed.
“Cloudsdale, where else?”
“I see. Do you have a camera?”
“I do, actually,” he replied as he produced it out of his saddlebags. “If it’s too much trouble, I understand, but I really would like to get one, if I may.”
“But of course,” Luna replied warmly. “It is my personal pleasure to help win wagers. Sergeant, would you please assist us?”
A few photographs were taken, a grateful “thank you” was shared, and Feathers left the Throne Room with a small spring in his step.
“Does that happen often, Sister?” Luna asked, and Celestia nodded.
“Quite a bit. It seems that most ponies do not believe somepony has met me unless there is photographic evidence.”
“Strange, but easily dealt with. Send in the next petitioner.”
A yellow pegasus and a light green earth pony were then shown in, and Bean tried not to give the green one a curious stare. There were very few ponies who had dreadlocks for a manestyle, nor did very many come in smelling of fresh compost and… something he couldn’t quite place but gave the impression of being smokey and possibly illicit in composition. Of course, Big Macintosh had visited them not that long ago, and he had still been wearing his yoke and had smelled of freshly squeezed cider.
He tucked the thought away with the mental admonishment to be more like his wife and to not judge a pony by first impressions.
“Like, wow,” the little pony remarked. “I am totally digging the feng shui of your pad! I’m Tree Hugger, Your Highnesses. Blessings.”
“Good morning to you, Tree Hugger,” Celestia replied, “and to you, Director Weatherby! What brings you before the court today?”
“Well, it seems we have a small issue, Princess,” Weatherby began. “Two weeks ago, we had to shut down our raincloud machines for some ‘unscheduled maintenance,’ thanks to a certain grey mailmare that I’m gonna throttle if she ever tries to deliver a singing telegram again. This means we’re two weeks behind schedule with water deliveries now, and it’s causing a bit of a kerfluffle.”
“How so?” Luna asked. “I would hope that the ponies who were scheduled have been notified of the delay.”
“Oh, that’s not the problem. We sent out a notice and most everypony is okay with the wait, except for two groups. See, we need to get a delivery to the west Equestria farmlands, but Tree Hugger here tells me that the delivery is going to interfere with the Breezie pollen collection for the year.”
“Totally,” Tree Hugger nodded. “That rain is gonna be such a downer for them.”
“Can’t the Breezies just wait a couple of weeks to harvest?” asked Bean.
“No way. The portal that leads to their dimension is only open for a short and specific time. They have to harvest then, or like, they won’t have the pollen they need for the next year, and that would be a major bummer.”
“So we tell the farmers to hang on for just a bit longer, then.”
“No can do,” Weatherby shook her head adamantly. “For one thing, I’ve already had one ear chewed off by the Equestrian Farmer’s Association about the delay. I push back the delivery by even a day, and they’ll come chew off the other one, and probably want my rump served on a platter somewhere, too. Secondly, those crops are going to wilt in the heat enough as is. We risk outright failures if we go too long. Thirdly, if I push the farmers back I’ll have to rearrange all the deliveries after, and that’s going to be a chore, to put it simply, and then I’ll have even more complaints to deal with, and they won’t stop with just me. I’m a bit surprised nopony has come directly to you about this yet.”
“This is a weighty problem,” Luna remarked thoughtfully. “Sister, do you have any ideas?”
Celestia didn’t say anything immediately, but she did hum slightly in thought. To Bean, the answer seemed simple enough: just make the farmers wait. From his experience, growers always did tend to overstate their problems, and their financial woes. He couldn’t even count how many times the vegetable suppliers to the Zuerst had demanded upfront and in-full payment for their goods because ‘they were going to lose the farm.’ If it really was that drastic, he was pretty extra sure they would have heard something before now. There might be some complaints, but either the situation could be explained or they could just deal with it.
“I believe,” Celestia said slowly, “that we can keep the water deliveries on their current schedule and still allow the Breezies to harvest their pollen. Tree Hugger, what if the Breezies were given a new place to harvest from?”
Tree Hugger gave a nod and closed her eyes. “That would work, Princess. So long as they have pegasi to give them a gentle breeze and a quiet environment, they should totally be able to harvest from anywhere.”
“I think I know just where we can provide both of those needs. Have you ever heard of a small town called Ponyville?”
Bean gave a curious look to his wife. “You want to send them to Ponyville?”
“Yes. There are many large, open fields just outside of the town that should have an exceptional variety of flowers for the Breezies to collect from, and I believe Fluttershy could provide a great deal of assistance, once she is apprised of the situation. Tree Hugger, why don’t we ask Fluttershy to accompany you to learn about the Breezies, and then she can oversee their journey and collection efforts. Would that be acceptable?”
“For sure, Princess. I can tune her chakras to work with the Breezie magic if she’ll spend a day with me studying them.”
“Then I believe the matter is resolved,” Celestia stated with a smile. “I shall inform Fluttershy of the need immediately and refer her to you. Director Weatherby, please continue your deliveries as planned, and if any other issues arise with the Breezies, we will contact you.”
A few more words were shared with the petitioners, but Bean didn’t hear what was said. He was mulling over his wife’s solution to the problem, and he found he didn’t really like what she proposed. Ponyville was near the Everfree, and there were all sorts of nasty monsters in there that might only be denied a delightfully tasty snack of Breezie Bites for the want of a key ingredient, and as far as he recalled, the residents of Ponyville had a bit of a hard time understanding the concept of quiet. And what of the portal that led to their world? Could the entrance be adjusted, like the mirror that led to the youmon world, or was it fixed? It really seemed like it was going to take more effort than was needed.
As the two petitioners left, Bean emptied his mind of questions. His beloved Celly had centuries of experience, and he needed to trust her judgement on this. If she felt the Breezies could be taken care of in Ponyville, then that’s what needed to happen.
But it still seemed like it would be easier to just tell the farmers to wait.
“Bean, my love? Did you have a question?”
“Hm? Oh, no,” Bean replied, but then he smiled sheepishly. “Well, maybe one. What’s a Breezie?”
* * ✹ * *
“So, what are we having for my birthday lunch?” Bean asked while Philomena wiggled a bit on his head to get comfortable.
“What would you like to have?” Luna asked while they rounded the last corner towards the kitchen.
“A good hayburger sounds good right now, actually. Maybe some fries too.”
Celestia gave her Bean a deep smile. “I’m sure the kitchen staff could provide you with a birthday burger, if we ask nicely.”
“What would you like to have?”
“I am undecided, but I’m sure I will receive a good selection to choose from.”
Bean nodded, and he started to say something while he pushed the door open to the kitchen for the mares in true gentlestallion fashion, but he was interrupted by a blast of confetti to the face from Pinkie Pie’s legendary party cannon.
“SURPRISE!”
Bean laughed while he tried to recover from the small heart attack, Philomena flew into the kitchen it what looked like an effort to protect her new friend, and Bean trotted in after her while Pinke pulled her cannon out of the way.
“Bean, buddy! Get in here, we need your help!” Garbanzo hollered playfully. “These friends of yours have no idea how to cook!”
“Now, see here, good sir,” Rarity interjected over the laughter in the room, “I offered to make everypony a nice apron and a monogramed toque, but you insisted that I should fight this absolutely horrid kumquat instead.”
Bean laughed all the more as he surveyed the bedlam. All six element bearers were in the midst of preparing food, as were Princess Cadence and Shining Armor, and each of them had a few Beans assisting them while sharing polite conversations and laughter. All of his cousins were there, as were Grandma Flageolet, Grandpa Soy and Grandma Pole, and from the looks of it, they were trying to feed the entire palace.
“What are you all doing here?” Bean asked over the din of the pots and pans.
“What, you think we weren’t going to show up for your birthday?” Uncle Budge retorted.
“Honestly, no! I didn’t!”
“We were invited by the Princesses,” Grandma Pole offered while she handed Pinkie Pie a large paring knife. “They both thought you would like to have your friends and family here to celebrate with you.”
“Well, they were right,” he replied before giving his beloved a kiss. “Thank you, Celly. It’s wonderful to have everypony here.”
“But of course, my dear Bean,” she replied with another kiss. “Now, it would appear that the kitchen staff has been run off by your family, so it seems we should help prepare for the lunch rush.”
“Oh, I have to work on my birthday again?!” Bean laughed. “Fine. Celly, quick! I need four or five apples for the Boomer!”
“Triple A, or Greenland apples?”
“Sweet Apple Acres, of course! We only use the best here!”
“Darn tootin’!” Applejack hollered from somewhere in the back.
~*~
“It would seem you have all cooked an acceptable meal,” Grandma Flagolet announced as the plates from lunch were cleared away. “The Code of the Beans is very clear on this point: you are now officially Beans.”
A cheer erupted from all, and then a round of laughter followed when a certain white unicorn noted that ‘Rarity Bean’ didn’t sound quite right.
“We’ll say it’s more of a title then,” Grandma Flageolet proclaimed. “But now it is time for presents!”
Bean had to sit back a little while a respectable pile of presents was placed before him. “Oh, you all didn’t have to do this! I’ve already had such a wonderful birthday.”
“We didn’t have to,” Garbanzo replied, “but we’re going to anyway. Here, start with this one. It’s from your mother and me.”
“Gee, I wonder what this is.” Bean held the stock pot shaped present in his hooves, and within moments, the obvious was made plain. “You realize I’m not going to be able to use this much, right?”
“Yes, but since we bought it specifically for you we figured you should have it all the same.”
Bean held his disappointment back quite well. “Thanks. I appreciate the thought.”
“That’s just the first part.” Lima pulled another present from the pile and offered it to her son. “We also figured we should get you something else. I hope you like it.”
Bean fairly demolished the wrapping paper, but it was Celestia who gasped when the present was shown. Bean held a large scrapbook, and within he found both pictures of all of his accomplishments as a colt, as well as photographs that had been taken during the ‘official’ wedding a few weeks ago. Newspaper clippings from across Equestria announcing the union of common and royal were scattered about, and each Bean had added a personalized letter of congratulations to the happy couple. They spoke of pride, of delight, and of the certainty that Bean and Celestia would be happy, prosperous, and glorious in their rule together.
“We actually meant for this to be a wedding present, but it took longer than we anticipated,” Lima explained with a bit of embarrassment. “Do you like it?”
“I love it.” Bean’s words were soft, and his hoof traced the edge of the book reverently. “It looks like you’ve put in everything.”
“Not everything,” Lima pointed to a page. “Only your victories, Baked. This is a book of your success and your rise to fame. See, here? This is when you won first place at the county fair for that rhubarb pie, and here’s that gold medal you took home for that cheddar broccoli soup from the Equestria’s Up and Coming Chef’s competition.”
“And, of course, your marriage to the Princess.” Garbanzo flipped a few pages to show the large wedding portrait that had been taken with all of them. “I think that will be your greatest coup ever.”
“I don’t know how I could ever top it,” Bean replied with a hug for his parents. “Thank you. It’s perfect.”
“You’re welcome. Now, which one should we do next?”
“How about I select at random?” Bean offered.
Bean then moved through the presents with glee. From his friends, he received a new formal coat and hat for official functions, coupons for the Sugarcube Corner and a recipe for something called Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness, five jars of zap apple jam, an autographed photo of Rainbow Dash (“I’m going to be a famous Wonderbolt someday and then that will be worth a lot of money,”) a hoof-crafted crystal pocket watch and a dragonscale necklace.
He also greatly appreciated the gifts from his family: his grandparents gifted him a book on management techniques, Aunt Cannellini and Uncle Budge gave him a book entitled The Nine Habits of Highly Efficient Ponies, Uncle Pinto and Aunt Adzuki presented him with a beautifully carved and intricate kabuki mask they had found during a recent trip to Neighpon, and Aunt Sieva gave him a collection of gold coins from the Pre-Unification Era that Luna took an immediate interest in.
This left only Twilight and her present, but she handed it over hesitantly. “I wanted to go last, just in case you don’t like this.”
“It’s a book, isn’t it?” Bean joked.
“Of course it’s a book!” Rainbow interjected with a groan. “This is Twilight we’re talking about!”
“I’m sure it will be wonderful, and thank you,” Bean offered while he tore the paper away.
“I found it in storage while I was tidying up Golden Oaks,” Twilight explained while he continued, “According to the records, the first librarian in Ponyville somehow received it from Canterlot, but I haven’t found out how or why. It’s nearly seven hundred years old, and yet it’s just as good as new.”
“And you are willingly parting with it?” Bean asked in amazement.
“We had two copies,” Twilight admitted with a slight blush, “but I would have parted with it anyway. I think it’s more important that you have it.”
Bean finished with the paper, but he had opened it backwards. He took a moment to appreciate the obsidian cover and the silver trim of the pages, but it was only a quick moment before Celestia gasped.
“Your library had two copies of that?” she asked in a breathless whisper.
“We did,” Twilight replied with concern. “Should I not have given this?”
“Not at all, Twilight. In fact, I’m quite pleased you found it. The only other copy that I know of is held in a special preservation wing in the Archives, having been worn and abused by the ravages of time. Perhaps there are more that can be found.”
Bean flipped the book over, and he read aloud the silver embossed title. “The Life and Times of Prince Star Struck, Triarch of Equestria and Most Eternal Mate of Princess Luna.”
“Celly!” Luna gasped, and Bean gently passed the book over to her. “You wrote a book about him?! When did you do this?”
“Seven hundred years ago. I have been meaning to show you the copy we have in Canterlot, but the Librarians always insisted it could not be touched.”
“It’s a complete biography of Prince Star Struck,” Twilight added. “Everything is in there: his birth in the Highlands, his courtship of Princess Luna, their marriage and life together, all of it. Princess Celestia spared no detail.”
“Thank you, Twilight,” Bean offered with deep gratitude. “Once I get it back from Luna, I’m sure it will provide me with a treasure trove of information on how to be a better prince.”
“Hah!” Luna laughed with a hoof to her mouth and with fat, happy tears in her eyes. “You put that in here?”
“I put in everything, Luna,” Celestia gently offered. “From his birth to his death, along with an epilogue detailing your anguish at losing him. I wanted everypony to know how deeply you loved each other, and how that love had come to be.”
Philomena gave a happy chirp from her nearby perch, and Luna nodded. “I agree. This is a wonderous present indeed. However, since it is not mine, I should return it and wait patiently for the owner to enjoy it first.”
Bean gave a playful scoff to that. “I’ve got plenty of books to read first, Lulu. You can keep that one for now.”
“We shall read it together,” Luna announced, “and I shall correct any mistakes my sister made in the narrative.”
“I certainly hope so,” Celestia offered a pleased chuckle. “We can add them into the soon-to-be published second edition, if you will permit it.”
“I will give my wholehearted endorsement of such.”
“Well, that’s it for the presents, it seems.” Bean remarked. “Now what?”
“Now what?” Pinkie asked, and she popped up next to Bean to throw a hoof around his shoulders. “Now we party like it’s your birthday, what else?!”
* * ✹ * *
“Thank you all, again, for coming to my beloved Bean’s birthday party today.” Celestia offered to the small crowd of beloved family and cherished friends that stood on the balcony. “I know many of you had to put aside important personal matters, so it does mean quite a bit to both of us that you would make the time to be here.”
“What she said,” Bean added with a huge grin. “And I’m looking forward to the tour tomorrow with all of you. This has got to be one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had.”
“Are you going to lower the sun already or what?” Haricot shouted from somewhere. “C’mon! I wanna see you do it!”
“All right, all right!” Bean laughed with the others. “But, please don’t tell anypony else about this. Raising and lowering the sun with Celestia is… well, it’s special. I’d even use the word sacred. I don’t want everypony to know that we do this together.”
“Darling, our lips are sealed,” Rarity offered, and her statement was agreed to by everypony present. “Please, go ahead.”
Celestia’s wing wrapped over a blissful Bean, and he gave his beloved a deep smile. “Thank you, love, for all that you did. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you to take the time to get this all set up.”
“It was worth it, my Bean,” she replied while their magic reached out for the sun together, “and I am glad you enjoyed it. But now I have to do even better next year!”
“I don’t doubt you will be able to pull it off,” he whispered with a shudder of delight as he felt the sun’s power flow back to them.
“You know, I do need to show you how much I love you still,” she offered in a sultry whisper to his ear while the sun dipped below the horizon.
“Should we run off the rabble then?” he teasingly asked.
“Later. The night is young, and I believe Luna and Pinkie Pie have more party for us to partake in. We have not yet had your cake, after all.”
“It’s not a birthday without the cake, and the candles,” he offered with a sly bob of his eyebrows.
“Indeed not. I believe twenty-five candles should just about cover it.”
Bean simply laughed to this, and nothing more was said while the sun finished and Luna’s moon gently rose.
Except, no moon appeared. Luna’s magic still appeared to be working, and for all appearances, there should have been a moon before them now. There was some awkward shuffling, a few murmurs, and then Luna stomped a hoof with a snort of frustration.
“Sister! You let the bulb burn out!”
“Oh dear.” Celestia held a hoof before her nose in concern. “So I did. I’m so sorry!”
“Wait, what’s going on?” Twilight was the first to ask. “Where did the moon go?”
“It’s right there,” Luna replied with a wave of her hoof to indicate where it should be, “but since my sister did not change the bulb during my exile, it burned out, and now you can’t see it.”
“You know full well I don’t like to mess with your moon,” Celestia replied with a haughty sniff. “Besides, you’ve been back for a while, so you could have replaced the bulb on your own.”
“The moon is powered by a bulb?!” Twilight’s left eye began to twitch furiously.
“Replacing the bulb on our celestial bodies is scheduled activity, dear sister,” Luna pressed on, heedless to Twilight’s growing mania. “I’m quite certain you took the time to replace the bulb on your beloved sun!”
“Well, of course I did!” Celestia replied. “But you know how I always mix them up. I never can remember if your moon takes the twelve gigajoules or just the eights.”
“Point-eights are the close up stars, one point fives are the distant ones, and fifteens are for the moon. You always did have problems with the decimal points.”
“Ooh.” Celestia nodded her head in deep understanding. “Those pesky periods. Well, now that I have my Bean here to help me remember, it shouldn’t be a problem in the future.”
“It won’t be a problem because I am here now, Sister.”
“A valid point.”
“Wait, wait!” Twilight cried out, and she physically interjected herself between the two princesses. “Can we please go back to the fact that the moon is nothing more than a light bulb?!”
“I tell you what, Lulu. Bean and I will go find a replacement bulb for you, and you can explain things to Princess Twilight.”
“Fine, but hurry!” Luna shooed them both off. “The citizenry is bound to notice the lack of a moon eventually.”
“We’ll be right back,” Celestia offered in reassuring tones, and her wing swept over Bean as they walked back into the palace.
It took a few moments, but eventually Bean asked the obvious question. “Birthday prank?”
“My dear Bean,” Celestia replied in a teasing tone. “Why would you think this is a birthday prank?”
“Because I’m one year older now, and I’m wise to your tricks.”
“I see.” Celestia’s wing gave him a small squeeze. “I shall have to change my tactics, it seems.”
“That you will. So what are we really doing?”
“Stalling. Luna will try to convince Twilight that the moon is just a large lamp with a long cord while Pinkie Pie slips away and assists us in adding the finishing touches to the Ballroom for your evening birthday party. Once Luna fails in her efforts, she will lead everypony down, and we will surprise them with cake and ice cream.”
“I like the sound of that. This would be a good time for Mung and Chowder to coordinate wedding plans with Lulu too.”
“I’m sure my sister will make time for that.”
“Celly, thank you again for everything.” Bean offered a broad smile and a slight blush with his gratitude. “Today has been fantastic, and I appreciate all that you’ve done for me.”
“It has been my pleasure, my beloved,” Celestia replied with a quick boop. “And I look forward to sharing many future birthdays with you as well.”
“That is cheesy,” Bean remarked.
“But is it birthday cheesy?”
“You beat me to it!” Bean groaned in faux agony. “But I still love it. I think that… Discord? Is that you?”
“Indeed it is, Old Bean!” Discord quickly pulled off the guard armor he’d been wearing, and Celestia gave Bean a nudge into the Master of Chaos’ open arms. “Didn’t think I would show, did you?”
“I was wondering where you were,” Bean laughed.
“Well, I couldn’t find a good present, to start,” Discord began while walking with Bean in his arms still and with Celestia trailing behind him with a case of the giggles. “And then I had to help Pinkie Pie with the decorations. I think you’ll like the way I have blended the moss, teal, and salmon streamers with the bright yellow balloons, and… Oh! I almost forgot.” The draconequus produced a huge, familiar-shaped object from an inside pocket of his plaid tuxedo. “I brought that spare sun bulb you were asking about.”
“Watch my right hook, love,” Celestia cautioned, and Bean snorted. He’d been smacked upside the head enough by her hoof this morning, and it hurt even though she was pulling her punches.
His hooves skittered on the grass, and he ducked low. The objective for this pre-dawn exercise was to somehow slip past her and to ring a bell that was mounted to a post at the far end of the field. Once he could do that, Celestia would proclaim that he had completed the first stage of his defensive training, and they could move on to countering unicorn magic.
But trying to slip past Princess Celestia was like trying to cook a casserole with nothing more than an egg timer. She might hold back her punches, but she didn’t let her iron wall defense slip in the slightest, no matter what Bean tried. He smirked as he quickly remembered the time he’d tried to kiss her to get past her, but that had ended with him pinned on the ground by her front hooves and her lips kissing and nipping his neck.
Today was his day, though, he just knew it. He slowly trotted left, his eyes fixated on the white wonder that was his wife, and he evaluated his options. Her stance allowed her to zig left or zag right, and if he tried going under she would simply collapse on top of him with a reverse flap of her wings for extra thrust. Over wasn’t an option, either; there was no way Bean had enough vertical to clear the Great Wall of Celestia.
Bean’s plan began to congeal as he danced right to escape a swipe of Celestia’s left hoof. His only hope was to fake her out, zag while she zigged, then break into a dead sprint. He could outrun her, but he had to outmaneuver her first.
He took a quick stutter step to the right, and Celestia’s weight shifted in anticipation, but she didn’t bite. A stagger step to the left, and she almost took it. He gave another snort as he watched the muscles in her chest flex and twitch as her hooves shifted to anticipate his moves, but then he smiled.
“You’re sweating,” he taunted.
“So are you,” she pointed out with a predatory grin.
“I always sweat, but you never do. Am I wearing you down, my dear?”
“Of course not, I used to go for hours like this,” she remarked with a hungry growl. “Perhaps I am just trying to distract you, hm?”
Bean had to mentally bodycheck the thought of how his wife’s glistening hide amplified her allure, and he danced back a few feet. Whatever he was going to do, he had to do it quick. There was a wall behind him that was coming up fast, and so far reverse had been the only way he’d been able to elude her.
A sudden and crazy thought then occurred to him, and he sidestepped to the left again while he processed it. Celestia was anticipating an opponent who would be on four legs. If he reared up, he reduced the number of trippable limbs by two, but then he had the disadvantage of trying to run on half power.
Bean threw caution to the wind and reared up. He really didn’t expect this stunt to work, but if it did, he could drop back to all four hooves once he was past her to make a break for it. He smiled as Celestia brought her head and neck up to negate the threat of his front hooves lashing out at her, and he saw her muscles adjust to block the blow. He then took a step right, spun as Celestia tried to compensate and attack him while he was in such an awkward position, then he put all the power he could into his left leg for a decent push off.
Celestia tried to move with him, but her weight had been thrown off, and he watched her lose her footing and crash into the ground as his right leg pushed him both forward and down so he could get back on all fours. He felt her rear hooves miss him by a breath as she tried to trip him while he moved, and he whooped in joy while he galloped over to the bell.
Bean let out a shout of protest when he found himself stopped by Celestia’s magic just as he was about to hit the brass indicator of success. He then folded his arms and pouted furiously, but Celestia was all smiles while she reeled him in, stood, and tried to catch her breath.
“No fair,” Bean complained. “You’re supposed to be a pegasus attacker, not a unicorn.”
“I am both, and that is how I can catch you.” She put him down right in front of her, but he simply sat and continued pouting.
“I would have hit it if you hadn’t cheated.”
“That you would have,” she offered while she nuzzled his sweaty neck. “So you actually won. But take this as a lesson in anticipation. Even though you might only see a pegasus assailant, there may be a unicorn compatriot that you are unaware of.”
“I guess so,” he groused. Even with his sore pride he could see the rationale, but it felt like it was a thin veil to cover up the fact that he, a mortal civilian, had thwarted the great Mistress and Commander of Equestria. He savored his victory inwardly—huzzah for Prince Baked Bean!—as he finished replying to his wife. “But to be fair, you haven’t shown me how to avoid magic yet, after all—yaHAH!”
Bean’s sour mood vanished when her gentle nips found a particularly sensitive spot on his neck, thus eliciting an involuntary giggle from the semi-more-or-less-if-looked-at-in-a-particular-fashion victorious prince. He could feel her chuckle as she mercifully moved up from the spot.
Trying to change the subject? Sneaky mare,he chuckled to himself as he breathed in the powerful aroma of her exertion. The thought of hygiene didn’t matter; this was her raw scent right now, and it was intoxicating.
“That will be the next phase of your training.” She nipped at his neck, then retreated a step. “You have done well, and you deserve a reward.”
“Oh? I like the sound of this,” Bean clapped his hooves together in eagerness. “What do I get? Asparagus?”
Celestia shook her head and scoffed. “You really want me to give you asparagus as a reward for anything?”
“It’s what I got as a colt when I got straight A’s on my report card. Well, that and a triple-scoop ice cream cone with sprinkles.”
“I tell you what.” Celestia’s magic snagged her Bean again, and she gave him a pleased smile. “You go ring that bell, and I will make sure you get a triple-scoop ice cream cone when we get to Neighagra Falls, and I’ll even put extra sprinkles on it.”
“I love this plan immediately,” he replied with glee before giving his beloved a deep and passionate kiss. “But before all that, we should probably raise the sun and have a shower, I think.”
Celestia gave a thoughtful hum and then shook her head. “You know, I’m really more in the mood for a bath. You may shower alone if you like, I suppose.”
“No way. You raise the sun, I’ll get the bath going.”
Bean and Celestia laughed as she put him down, and they shared a quick boop while they began walking towards the exit. As they passed the post, Bean paused, struck the bell with his rear leg, and then gave his love a delighted grin.
“That was a good move, by the way,” she offered. “But now we’ll need to see if you can do it when you’re laden with armor and a spear. If you can, you might make a halfway decent guard.”
“I don’t think I’m going to be plodding around in armor anytime soon.”
Celestia gave him a playful smile, and her tail smacked his rump. “You never know. I do believe both of us would enjoy taking the armor off of you.”
* * ✹ * *
“Celly? Is everything okay?”
“I’m afraid I have some sad news, my love,” Celestia replied while Bean trotted out to her. “Philomena tells me it is time for her to return home.”
“Oh, does she have to go?” Bean sullenly asked, and he felt a sad smile emerge when Philomena swept down from the roof and landed on the railing of the balcony before him.
“I’m afraid so,” Celestia answered with Philomena’s nod. “She has enjoyed her visit greatly, but the palace has become too stuffy and confining for her.”
“I can understand that.” Bean held out a hoof, and his smile had some happiness in it when Philomena perched on it and gave him a nuzzle. “A magnificent bird such as yourself deserves wide open skies to roam in. You will come back for a visit soon, right?”
Philomena gave an affirmative chirp. She then took to the air above him, and Bean smiled a bit more when she plucked a large feather from her wing and placed it behind his left ear.
“It’s beautiful, Philomena. Thank you. On your next visit, we’ll see about teasing Luna a little.”
Philomena gave a happy squawk to that before landing on Celestia’s outstretched hoof. The two of them shared a nuzzle, and there was a small tear in Philomena’s eye when she pulled back.
“You behave yourself, young lady,” Celestia admonished. “And don’t rush into anything. Consider your options carefully and choose the best of the best. It may take some time, after all.”
Philomena gave a “will do” chirp, hopped from Celestia’s hoof to the railing, and ruffled her wings in preparation for a long flight. Celestia lit her magic while she did so, and the sun broke anew over the eastern horizon at the moment Philomena spread her wings wide.
The phoenix then rose into the air with the sun and with just as much majesty. Bean gave a whoop when she flew around them with her tail in flames, gave one more noble cry of goodbye, and then shot into the sunrise in a blaze of fire and glory.
“I think your theater skills have worn off on her,” Bean remarked to his wife while she slid a wing over him. “She sure knows how to make an exit.”
“I may have given her one or two pointers in that regard.” Celestia let a light laugh dance through the air with the remark.
“I’m gonna miss her,” Bean said with a small sigh. “You should have told me how much fun phoenixes are.”
“Philomena is quite exceptional, but I am sure we will see her again very soon. There is even a chance she may bring a guest with her.”
“Oh? You didn’t tell me she had a secret, special somepony, er, somebirdy.”
Celestia gave her Bean a small smirk. “I do not think she has one at this moment, but I believe she will have one very soon. You see, the Phoenix mating season should be starting just as she is returning home, and Philomena has not yet found a mate. I personally think that you and I have influenced her, and that she is thinking about starting an ember of her own.”
“If that’s the case, I hope she finds a mate who is nice and who treats her with respect. She deserves somebirdy classy. Couldn’t hurt if he was mischievous too, eh?”
“That would be ideal for her, I would say.”
“Do phoenixes mate for life?” Bean looked up, and Celestia gave him a quick peck on the lips.
“They will be together for as long as we plan on being with each other.”
“That’s a long time.” He gave her a peck back, then nuzzled her neck. “And I’m sure she’ll find the one who is perfect for her, just like I have.”
Celestia gave a low nicker of pleasure and she gladly returned his nuzzles to him. The two stood in this serene embrace for a few moments, until Bean gently nipped his beloved’s neck.
“You smell funny.”
“Well, you’re no bed of roses yourself,” she shot back with a scoffing laugh. “Is the bath ready?”
“Should be by now. Wysteria even found me some strawberry scented bubble bath. Well, before she had to go visit the toilet. Which reminds me, we should hurry before the tub runs over.”
“I’m pleased she was able to make it in today. We’ll need to see if she plans on accompanying us to Neighagra Falls.”
“I get the feeling she will, but who knows,” Bean replied. “Shall we?”
“Would you be kind enough to scrub in between my wings?”
“I’ll even preen them for you, if you’d like,” he replied. “Just don’t toss Luna in with the bathwater this time.”
“I cannot make such a promise, but I will try,” Celestia replied with a laugh.
* * ✹ * *
“So, why did we fly today?” Bean asked while he leaned over the edge of the carriage and took in the view of the ground from a thousand feet up.
“The Falls are a very popular tourist destination, and using the train would cause a great deal of inconvenience for the visitors,” Celestia explained. “A carriage takes up less space as well. It will be easier to arrive and depart this way.”
“You just wanted a break from the paperwork. Admit it.”
“That too,” Celestia admitted.
“I’m a bit surprised Blueblood wanted to come with us today.” Bean sat up and faced his wife, but glanced beyond her and to the chariot that was flying alongside of them with Blueblood, Wysteria, and Quill in it. “I mean, he’s pretty well avoided me like the pony pox ever since he returned, but he seemed really eager to accompany us this morning.”
“You may thank Luna for part of that,” Celestia remarked. “She caught him last night and in the ensuing conversation she once again asked about what had happened with the Yaks. When his answers remained the same, she had a rather frank discussion with him. I do not know the whole of what was said, but most of it revolved around her disappointment in his failure, especially given how well things had been proceeding before she had left him. She even openly questioned whether he should retain what official titles and functions we have given to him, and when he protested, she made it clear that he has put himself in a rather precarious position. I believe this trip and his sudden goodwill is an attempt to get back into our good graces.”
“Oh,” Bean replied thoughtfully. “Well, maybe he and I can start over. I might not be able to please every noble, but I would like to make as many friends as possible. Perhaps that’s a bit naive on my part, but I think it’s easier to work with friends.”
“There’s nothing naive about wanting to be a friend,” Celestia replied to him with a warm smile. “So long as you do not allow your friendships to blind you to the truth.”
“I understand that one all too well.” Bean became solemn with the memory of his greatest mistake, and his gaze moved out to the distant horizon.
“Neighagra Falls is just up ahead, Your Highnesses!” Sergeant Clover shouted.
“Sergeant, please put us in a circle pattern above the falls,” Celestia called back while she turned to her love. “I think you would like to get a good aerial view of them before we land.”
“You know me all too well,” Bean eagerly replied, and he leaned over the edge again with Celestia as they began to descend.
Baked Bean had never been to Neighagra Falls in his life. He had only seen pictures in books, and what he had seen had left him unimpressed and disinterested in visiting the fabled cascades. What could be so interesting about water falling down?
It took just one glance for him to realize how wrong he’d been.
“Do you know what the best part about being married to you is?” he called out to his love over the rush of the water below them.
“What?”
“You,” he replied. “Second best thing is that I have wonderful in-laws, third best thing is the food. But the fourth best thing, easily, is all the new places I get to see with you. I didn’t realize how amazing this would be.”
“And I have far more to show you, my dear,” Celestia whispered into his ear, making goosebumps cascade down Bean’s spine. “All of the Kingdom’s hidden secrets will be revealed to you, in due time.”
Bean knew that Celestia meant that as a compliment, and as a promise. He knew she meant every word, that she would give everything to him.
But that reliable feeling of self-doubt and inadequacy stubbornly refused to quit messing with him. If he took Celestia’s statement for the grand total of its value, then everything from her most secret thoughts to the length and breadth of Equestria was being offered to him.
The scope of it was enough to make his legs go numb and his throat to dry out.
“Bean? What did I say?” Celestia asked in worry. “I wasn’t trying to make you cry.”
“Oh, you didn’t. It’s just me being me,” he replied as he wiped at the treacherous water that was escaping from his eyes. “I just feel so inadequate sometimes when I compare myself to the grandiose majesty that is you. You have absolutely no reason to give a plain pony like me the keys of the kingdom, and yet you cheerfully present them to me, over and over, with a kiss and a smile. Even worse, you willingly offer me the most precious keys to your heart, and that’s something I cherish more than life itself.”
Celestia nuzzled his ear, and a wave of peace began to fight back against his insecurities. “My dear Bean, always remember that you are my beloved. With that, it is only natural that you recieve all that I can give. You have always given me everything you have, after all.”
“Thanks. This is probably getting old for you, huh? You really think I’d be a bit more confident about things.”
“I think you are very confident, my love. Far more than what you give yourself credit for. I also believe that you need not equate overawed and overwhelmed with inadequate. There are still times when I feel the same way you do.”
“You do not,” he retorted while he met her eyes with his. “You’re always so sure, and so poised. I can’t believe anything ever overwhelms you.”
“Chrysalis overwhelmed me.”
Bean scoffed. “No, she overpowered you. That’s different.”
“It was both. Once the invasion was over, I felt like a failure. What kind of a Princess am I, if I cannot defend my little ponies from threats? I was so distraught that I actually considered abdicating the throne, setting up a little shop in Canterlot, and selling scented candles. I’ve always liked candles. They’re like little suns.”
“But you did defend your ponies. You did the best you could.”
Celestia gave his cheek a soft kiss. “Just like you. You are doing the best you can too, and in the end, that is always enough. Don’t be afraid of being overwhelmed, my love. Relish the sensation, grasp it with all your strength and hold it to your heart. Let it power you, and be greater because of it. The only thing you should ever fear is when your fears incapacitate you.”
“The only thing I truly fear is losing you.”
Bean shuddered in delight as she caressed his neck. “Never fear that. There is nothing that will separate me from you, nor is there anything that will end my love for you.”
“Not even if I tickle you while you raise the sun?”
“Not even that.” She nipped his ear playfully and giggled lightly. “Now, I believe you are owed an ice cream cone. Shall we land?”
“Only if you get one too,” he replied, and Celestia scoffed.
“I never pass on ice cream.”
* * ✹ * *
“What do you think, Your Highness?”
Bean gave Prince Blueblood a smile, then inhaled deeply. “This is all so amazing. This small-town yokel really should have gotten out more. There’s a lot I’ve missed out on.”
Blueblood nodded, but his gaze remained out on the falls. “There are a great many wonders that this fair Kingdom holds, and hidden treasures of great worth that lie in wait for us to discover. Though, I suppose we could argue that you have found the greatest treasure our kingdom could ever offer.”
“That I have, and I can only hope I will be equal to her someday.”
“Tell me, where else do you and the Princess plan to visit during this grand honeymoon tour of yours?”
“Let’s see. I believe we still need to visit Manehattan, Baltimare, and Cloudsdale for sure, and I know we will be attending the upcoming Equestria Games. I believe we were also going to try to make a trip to Maretonia for the Duke’s birthday party. Celly tells me they have a Tavche Gravche that I will both love and want to dissect.”
“I see. Perhaps I may be bold enough to invite myself along to some of these events?”
“I personally don’t mind, but I guess we’d need to see what Celly says. You were going to come to the Games, right?”
“I have made the arrangements necessary to be in attendance.”
“You know, I gotta say that it’s interesting that you’re even talking to me, let alone wanting to tag along while we tour Equestria.”
“It is understandable, I have been rather aloof since your arrival. If you will forgive my bluntness, I am hoping to make my final determination of your character and to see how your relationship with the Princess is progressing while I am in attendance at your events. From these observations, I will know how to best proceed.”
Bean nodded. “You and Luna have a lot in common, regarding me at least. It’s not easy for you to accept that Celestia fell in love at all, is it?”
“No.” Blueblood’s face grew grim, and his teeth clenched. “It’s not. However, I often find that my aunt has tastes, interests, and personality quirks that run counter to what I would consider to be proper. Perhaps one day I will understand her, but that day will be far into the future, I fear.”
“Well, so long as you try, right?”
“I suppose so. That is all one can ask of a pony, isn’t it?”
Bean was about to reply, but he was interrupted by three scoops of delightful pralines and cream with extra sprinkles stacked to perfection atop a waffle cone being presented to him by his wife. He gently took the offered treat in hoof, and he smiled a bit more when he saw that she had purchased a cone for Blueblood as well.
“Here you go, two scoops of rocky road,” she offered to Blueblood, and he thanked her while his magic transplanted the sugary mounds of goodness to his mouth for proper enjoyment.
“You didn’t get vanilla?” Bean asked his wife while he licked.
“Why did you think I would?” she replied.
“I dunno. I guess I just kinda assumed. What did you get?”
“Raspberry. The vendor here had a greater selection than I anticipated.”
“If you will pardon me, Princess,” Blueblood dipped his head. “I believe you would like some time alone with your husband.”
Celestia nodded, but she gave Bean a look of curiosity while Blueblood left. “Did he behave himself?”
“I guess so. He said he wants to tag along a bit more when we go visit places, and that he’s trying to get a better feel for my personality before he pronounces his final assessment of me. Or something like that.”
“Hopefully he finds in your favor, then.”
“I kinda think he will,” Bean replied with a glance over to the retreating royal. “I got the feeling that he was trying to be friendly, so hopefully it ends up that way.”
~*~
“Come one, come all! Come, and witness the amazing magic of the Great and Powerful Trixie!”
“No way! You again?!” a nearby orange pony scoffed loudly. “Fellas, look! It’s the Daft and Unimpressive Trixie!”
Trixie growled. She hated tourists, and the ones at Neighagra Falls were always the worst. “Trixie asks for all neighsayers to please save their criticism until the end of the show, when Trixie will then be gracious enough to accept their apologies.”
“Or what? You’ll turn me into a newt?” The boisterous heckler guffawed loudly while smacking his friend, and the rabble around him gladly joined in the derisive laughter.
“Fine. Trixie sees that she is going to have to prove herself. Prepare to be amazed! First, I shall transform this bowl of fruit into a flock of doves! Behold, and gasp in wonder!”
Trixie spun and snapped her cape, but when she lifted her hooves to transform the fruit, she found nothing more than an empty bowl on the table. “What? Where did the—”
A large white pegasus near the front of the crowd belched loudly. “Sorry! I thought you were offering free food for attending the show!”
The orange heckler howled in laughter with his friends, but Trixie maintained her composure while calmly floating the bowl off-stage. “No matter, the Great and Powerful Trixie has yet another astonishing magic trick she can perform. For this, I will need a volunteer with a newspaper or a brochure. Who would care to step forward? Perhaps you, my good stallion?”
“Uh, sure?” a confused pegasus flapped up to the stage, a tri-folded brochure full of information about Neighagra in hoof.
“Now, Trixie wants you to take that brochure and tear it up as small as you can.”
“Uh, really?”
“Do it,” Trixie laughed with an underpinning growl. “Trust the Great and Powerful Trixie!”
The pegasus did as he was told, and soon he his hooves were full of confetti. “Now what, Miss Magic?”
“Now be amazed as Trixie restores your brochure to as good as new!” Trixie proclaimed. She took the confetti in her magic, crumpled it into a ball, then rolled the ball in her hooves with a few murmured words and a smug smile. After a few seconds of this, Trixie’s magic then held up the brochure before the volunteer and the crowd, and it appeared she had actually managed to restore the brochure into one whole piece.
That was until the pegasus tried to take it back in hoof. As soon as Trixie’s magic cut out, the paper disintegrated back to confetti into the hooves of the now angry volunteer.
“Hey! I paid four bits for this! You ruined it!”
Trixie groaned as most of the crowd laughed and the pegasus demanded a refund. This was not going the way she wanted it to.
~*~
“This is really good ice cream,” Bean remarked with a long lick. “How much did it cost?”
“Five bits per scoop, but the extra sprinkles were included.”
“Ow, that much?” Bean’s eyes widened a bit, and he took a moment to study what remained of his treat. “I don’t know that it’s five bits good, but I guess overpriced food happens at any tourist stop I could name.”
“It does. The vendor originally tried to give them to me for free, but I insisted on paying full price.”
“Where did you hide forty bits?” He began to run a hoof along the edge of her peytral, despite her furious giggling. “Is there a secret compartment in this thing somewhere, or maybe you store them in those shoes of yours?”
“You tease!” Celestia laughed. “If you must be technical about it, Wysteria paid. I had her pull some bits out of our personal funds to pay for your treat and a souvenir or two before we left.”
“That makes sense. How’s she doing, by the way?”
“She’s just over there with Corporal Quillpoint, and I don’t think her young one enjoyed the flight.” Celestia pointed to the far side of the observation deck, and Bean saw them at the railing. Wysteria was bent over the rail, and Quill was gently patting her back while she completed her business. “I think they were trying to discuss names for the foal.”
“Is he going to stay with her, then?”
“I believe he is leaning that way. There is still much for them to work out before that, however.”
“They’ll get there, I’m sure.”
Celestia’s gaze went back to the falls after her nod. “I believe they will as well.”
Bean completely forgot his ice cream and his own name while he drank in the vision of perfection that stood in grace before him. Silhouetted as she was, and with the grandeur of the falls behind her, Bean gladly let his heart skip with delight with the thought that the most perfect mare in the world was his own, and his to keep.
His joy doubled when he saw some pink touch his wife’s cheeks, and she glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. “Enjoying the view?”
“I’ll never stop.”
Pink transitioned to red, and Celestia’s head dipped with a small snort of delight. “Will you always speak such flattery to me?”
“Until my last breath and beyond.”
~*~
“How about ‘Queasy?’” Wysteria bitterly offered while she retched.
“You don’t mean that,” Quill replied while he continued to pat her back softly.
“Fine. ‘Queasy’ for a filly. ‘Puke’ for a colt.”
“I think you’ll change your mind when you’re holding them for the first time.”
This was met with a grumble of annoyance. Clearly a change in tactics was needed, and Quill cleared his throat.
“Let me put it this way: imagine you’re getting after them to do their homework, or to clean their room. Do you really want to be saying ‘Puke, come get these toys picked up?’”
“At the moment, yes. But I suppose you have a point.
“Yeah. We’ll want something that is easily repeated, but elegant too.”
“Elegant?”
“Something like ‘Wysteria.’” He offered with a small grin. “Maybe we should stick with flowers?”
“Or colors. Raven will demand we name him Midnight.”
“That might work. Something with a nice… flourish.” He thought for moment. “But whatever we pick, we’ll want to inspire him to greatness. He’ll need a strong name if he’s going to survive basic.”
“Oh, got him going into the military already?” Wysteria shot with a sly grin.
“Sure! The Guard could give him a serious leg up in the world. I could even train him before he enlists, and then basic would be a breeze.”
“You hear that?” Wysteria looked to her stomach, which seemed to have a bit more bump to it. “Between your father’s training and my organization, you will be on the tips of your little hooves when you come out!”
“But above all, you should know Mommy and Daddy love you.” Quill added with an affectionate rub of Wysteria’s stomach.
“Mommy and Daddy?” Wysteria asked, and Quill quickly pulled his hoof back.
“Uh, well… that is, if you’ll let me.”
Wysteria took his hoof and placed it on her stomach once more with a gentle smile. “So, Corporal, do you like wasabi?”
~*~
Trixie tore a gouge in the wood of the stage with her forehoof and let out a shout of frustration while she plucked her drenched and dripping hat from her head and wrung it out. The crowd was loving her show for all the wrong reasons, and the orange heckler appeared to be struggling with which ripe and juicy insult to hurl at her next.
“Great and powerful?” he cawed. “You need to give up magic and try slapstick instead! That’s the only great thing about anything you’ve done so far!”
That was it! Trixie was done fooling with these churlish fiends and their infernal laughter. “You want great and powerful?! Fine! Trixie will show you great and powerful!”
Her magic surged out of her horn and enveloped her wagon, and with a tremendous grunt of effort Trixie hoisted it up into the air. Her magic then lashed out, snagged a pair of conveniently close chariots without a second thought, and she began to juggle the three large items in the air above her with a demented laugh at her accomplishment.
The ‘ooh’ that came from the crowd at this display emboldened Trixie, and despite the strain she was feeling and the sweat that was beginning to cascade off of her brow, she struck a pose and mugged to the crowd. “That’s right! Gaze, ponies, and be amazed at the wonder before you!”
“Hey! What are you doing?!”
Trixie’s eyes snapped to the three royal guards who had just climbed onto the stage. Though the back of her mind had registered the fact that there was nobility visiting the Falls today, she had not taken the time to find out who exactly had come. Now that she saw the heavily armored guards of Princess Celestia advancing on her, she finally made the connection and realized she was using the Princesses’ personal mode of conveyance as part of her impromptu act, and without permission.
“Put those down right now!” one of the guards bellowed.
Despite her best intentions, Trixie obliged.
~*~
Bean popped the last bite of his ice cream cone into his mouth while he surveyed the damage. To him, it almost looked like some kind of one-eyed, purple tentacled eldritch horror had suddenly appeared, smashed the chariots and the traveling wagon that belonged to one Trixie Lulamoon, and then disappeared without a trace. He and Celestia had heard the Guards shouting at the showmare, though they had not heard exactly why they were yelling, and they had both turned to see what all of the commotion was about just as Trixie’s magic had failed and everything had come crashing down to the ground.
“So, what were you doing?” Celestia still held the responsible unicorn aloft in her magic, although Trixie kept flailing her limbs as if she were still trying to make a run for it.
“Trixie didn’t do anything! You can’t pin this on me! It was that orange one’s fault!”
“Sergeant Clover, there is a vacancy in the dungeons at the moment, correct?” Celestia asked over her shoulder.
“Yes, Your Highness. I believe we have a rather dark and delightfully dank cell available, complete with rats and rusty restraints.”
Trixie finally stopped trying to run, and she let out a gasp of horror. “No! Not the dungeons! Trixie can’t do another⁽*⁾ nickel!”
(*) The five days Trixie spent in the clink on a double-parking violation left her a beaten and battered jailmare.
“Then I suggest you start explaining yourself, young lady,” Celestia threatened with a most displeased look.
“Trixie was trying to show how great and powerful she was, and she—or, I, used your chariot without permission to get those accursed hecklers to quit berating me. When the guards shouted at me to put the chariot down, I may have accidentally thrown them to the ground when my concentration slipped. But this isn’t Trixie’s fault!”
“I fail to see how that statement could be true.” Celestia swept a hoof over the mangled metal and splintered wood before them. “You’re quite fortunate you didn’t hurt anypony. Your actions were reckless, and you need to be held accountable for them.”
“No, please! I’ll do anything!” Trixie wailed. “Just not the dungeons!”
“What do you suggest, then?”
“Trixie can pay you back!”
“Pay me back? These chariots are... well, were custom built. It took three years and an appropriations bill to get them funded. How do you propose to repay the Crown for your negligence?”
“Oh, please, Princess! The penitent and apologetic Trixie does wish to make amends! I will earn the bits, I promise!”
Celestia looked inside the empty donations can which had been placed at the front of the stage and trampled a little in the crash. “I’m afraid I would die of old age before you could possibly raise the bits from your act.” Her gaze slid to the side and pondered the odd colorful bits of wood mixed in with the wreckage. “That is once you purchased another stage.”
“It wasn’t just a stage,” said Trixie with another wail of anguish. “It was my home!”
“Which adds to my concerns as to your commitment and ability to repay your debt. Do you have any other skills that could be used to augment your income? Perhaps you have held another job at some point?”
“Trixie once worked on a rock farm for a time, but—”
“That might be sufficient,” Celestia mused, a hoof rubbing her chin in thought. “I know of one rock farm that is always looking for help.”
“No!” Trixie shouted and shook her head vehemently. “I mean, no. I do not wish to go back there.”
“Unless you have some other alternative, Miss Lulamoon, your avenue of choices is far too narrow to allow you to be picky.”
“Um, well…” Trixie trailed off, and her gaze went to the ground. “Trixie did work as a secretary in her younger years, but it was only an internship for two months.”
“Where was your internship at?”
“Trixie worked at Copper, Magnesium and Cobalt Industries, Incorporated. But Trixie does not see how this could be helpful. All Trixie did was boring book sitting.”
“Don’t you mean bookkeeping?” Bean had to ask.
“No. Trixie was given ledgers to sit on, and I was told that by so doing, the numbers within would correct themselves. Trixie did not enjoy this very much, though. It was very tedious.”
“I think I just heard about a company that deserves a good audit,” Bean replied with a shake of his head.
“I agree, but let us stay focused on the more immediate problem,” Celestia remarked while she tapped a hoof to her chin.
“Oh, let’s just get this over with,” Wysteria interrupted. “Princess, I’ll take her as an assistant. She should be able to earn enough bits to replace the chariots in about a year or so. At the minimum, she can have a good down payment going.”
“You are going to employ Trixie?” Trixie asked with a great deal of bewilderment.
“It’s that, the dungeons, or the rock farm,” Wysteria replied. “Your choice.”
After some intense but brief deliberation, the blue magician saw no trap door out of this one, no trick knot she could riggle from. With as much dignity she could muster, Beatrix Lubella Lulamoon squared her shoulders and accepted her fate.
“Trixie accepts your most gracious offer.” Trixie quickly dipped her head low before Princess Celestia. “I’ll be the best assistant secretary that has ever been.”
“I certainly hope so,” Celestia replied with a stern gaze.
“Well, this trip has ended up being more eventful than I expected it to be,” Bean remarked before giving the snowglobe in his hooves a shake. “How long will it take for the train to get here?”
“It’s still a few hours away,” Celestia replied with a slurp of her diet cola. “But Luna insisted on coming so she could see the carnage for herself.”
“That doesn’t surprise me. Trixie did quite a number on the chariots, didn’t she?”
“She did, but I believe it looks worse than it actually is. The chariots were built to last, so it should be fairly simple to have them repaired. Her cart is another matter; she will have to buy a new one.”
“Is that why you’re having her work with Wys? I really can’t see you forcing her to pay the full amount for the damage.”
“She will have to pay some restitution, but you are correct. I am mostly worried about her impetuousness, however. The fact that she was willing to so recklessly endanger herself and those around her just to silence a heckler tells me she needs to learn some self-control. I am hopeful that Wysteria will be able to instill some patience and some organization into her life. When Miss Lulamoon leaves our employ, I want her to be better than she is now.”
“I bet Wys will like having some help during her pregnancy, too.”
Celestia nodded in agreement. “Trixie will probably be relegated to the more mundane details of Wysteria’s job such as stenography and schedule-keeping, but that is part of the price she must pay. Wysteria will treat her well, and Trixie can learn much from her if she will keep an open mind.”
Bean nodded to this and glanced over to the new employee. Trixie was gazing sadly into the rushing waterfalls with her shoulders slumped in defeat, and he could practically feel her depression from where he was. He could imagine the crushing feeling of failure and self-beratement that she would be experiencing, and he felt his own heart ache for her slightly.
“If you don’t mind, I think I’ll go have a few words with our new employee.”
“Why do you want to do that?” Celestia asked with a wary look.
“I think she needs to know everything will be alright. She looks pretty miserable.”
“Well, I don’t see why you couldn’t. If you think it’ll help, then go ahead.” Celestia replied with a strong undercurrent of uneasiness, and she unconsciously stood a little taller.
“Don’t worry, I’ll behave.”
“I know you will. It’s her that has me concerned,” she countered as her wings unfurled.
“I don’t think she’ll do anything either.”
“She better not,” Celestia growled softly, but she then forced her wings back down. “Good luck, my love.”
Bean gave Celestia a kiss before he moved over to the Sullen and Dispirited Trixie. She somehow heard him as he approached, and she dipped her head low in respect to him.
“Greetings, Prince Bean. May Trixie make a request?”
“Sure. What?”
“Is it possible for Trixie to get an advance on her first paycheck? I could really use some peanut butter crackers right about now, and I have no money.”
“You’re completely broke?”
Trixie gave him a sad nod. “I was trying to earn some bits for dinner with my show today. If the truth is told, Trixie’s magic is not very impressive, and I’ve been struggling ever since I left Ponyville.”
Bean was going to ask what had happened, but he instead smiled softly and gestured with a nod to something behind Trixie. “I don’t think tonight will be quite as bad.”
Trixie turned, and the corners of her mouth twitched upward when she found Wysteria holding a half-pound carrot dog with all the trimmings out towards her. “Is that for me?”
Wysteria nodded with her eyes averted from the tasty treat. “It’s customary for a new staff member to get a free meal, but you better hurry and take it before I add some unwanted toppings.”
“So why didn’t you buy me a meal when I first got here?” Bean challenged.
“You’re not staff,” Wysteria shot back with a smug grin. “No treat for you.”
“Trixie thanks you,” Trixie offered while her magic took the offered meal.
“You’re welcome. Now, here’s how the rest of the day is going to work. Once you’ve finished eating, go salvage what you can of your personal belongings. I’ll go over the basics of the job and what I expect out of you during the train ride to Canterlot, and then we’ll get you set up in a guest room for the night. Once we get to that point, I’ll lay out the itinerary for tomorrow.”
Trixie nodded slowly. “Trixie can handle that.”
“Good. I’ll see about getting you something a little more substantial to eat when we get back, too. Perhaps the Prince will be nice and make his famous cauliflower surprise.”
“I believe I could make something happen,” Bean agreed.
“Wys?” Quill called out. “Could I borrow you for a moment?”
“I’ll see you two later,” Wysteria offered before trotting away. Bean sat and began playing with his snowglobe again while Trixie ate, and for a time, there was nothing but the steady rush of the falls to entertain their ears. Once Trixie had finished her meal, however, she let out a heavy sigh and turned her attention to the rushing water.
“It would seem so, but Trixie is used to being in pickles of her own making.”
Bean gave his globe a hearty shake. “I bet I can guess how Trixie feels right now. I bet she is scared, confused, and possibly even a little cold. She’s gotten into a predicament that she’d rather not be in, and she has no idea what to expect now. She’s been forced into a world that she’d really does not want to be a part of, and her life has been forever altered.
“I bet her emotions are a lot like the snow in this globe here,” he continued as he held up his souvenir, and both of them gazed at the tumultuous interior. “Swirling and drifting, without any rhyme or reason.”
“If you end this analogy the way Trixie thinks you’re going to end it, then Trixie will make herself disappear right now.”
“Fine, ruin my Zen moment,” he chuckled. “But it is true. I know how you feel because it happened to me. When I found out I had to marry Celestia, I felt exactly like this. I thought for sure that my life was over, and I was scared of what was going to happen.
“But then the snow started to settle, like it always does,” he continued, and he held the snowglobe up a little higher to show off the photo of the Falls that was within. “And once it did, I found something amazing awaited me. Things might look pretty bleak at the moment, and I can’t say I know what will happen to you while you work for us in the palace, but I can say that if you give us your best and if you try to improve, the reward you’ll receive at the end will be worth all the agony you’re enduring now. Who knows? Maybe the winds of fate have directed you to us for a reason. Just give it time, and remember that Celestia isn’t known to deliver severe punishments.”
“Trixie will try to remember that.”
“Good. C’mon, I’ll help you get your stuff together. Think you could show me how to do that trick where I pull your card out of a deck?”
“Trixie doesn’t know how to do that one,” she sheepishly admitted while they walked over to what remained of her wagon.
“Well, once you do figure it out you can show me. Now, I do need to warn you about Princess Luna. She can be a bit hostile towards newcomers sometimes, but you can get on her good side by not appearing to be a threat.”
“You know, I never thought I would actually want to study up on the history of the Wonderbolts, but you sure are motivational,” Bean offered in a dreamy tone.
“The trick to being a good teacher is to know how each individual student learns best,” Celestia replied, while her magic took a glob of lotion that was about the size of a strawberry and applied it to his back. “And it would seem you are a hooves-on type of learner. Now, how many pegasi flew in the original Wonderbolt Squadron?”
Bean felt Celestia’s front hooves gently touch his back, and he took a moment to think of the answer. If he got it right, Celestia would continue to provide a blissful massage, but if he got it wrong, she would stop. They’d been going like this for half an hour, and to Bean’s credit, Celestia had been working the knots out of his muscles for twenty three of those thirty minutes.
“There were seven in the original squad,” he smugly offered.
“That is correct,” Celestia replied with a seductive undertone.
Bean’s groan of pleasure betrayed how much he enjoyed his wife’s movements across his back, and he hummed while she continued to knead and rub away all of his cares. “I should probably be asking when and how you learned how to do this, but I really don’t care right now.”
“I was serious when I said I’d tried everything for a hobby. I’m a bit rusty on this, though; I haven’t given a massage since before Luna’s banishment.”
“Over a thousand years and you’re only a little rusty?” Bean laughed lightly. “That’s pretty impressive. I’ll have to see about getting rid of that rust with a little oil.”
“Does that mean you will allow me to relearn with you as my test subject?” Celestia asked, and Bean let out a delighted moan in reply. “I’ll take that as a yes. Now, who was Commander Easyglider?”
“Oh, c’mon, give me a hard one,” Bean chuckled. “Easyglider was the premiere choreographer. Her moves are still used in the routines.”
“That is correct,” she replied with a warm hum. “But if you really want a hard one …”
“Bring it.”
“All right, you asked for it. What is my favorite flight pattern?”
Bean’s muscles tensed up despite his wife’s tender ministrations. “Um … wait. Don’t stop, but don’t tell me. I know you told me. It’s the … uh, the … Icaranian Sun Salutation?”
“That was a trick question,” Celestia replied, and Bean relaxed. “They don’t actually ask that on the official test. Well, I don't think they ask that. They’d better not be asking.”
“So did I get the right answer?”
“Yes and no. I actually don’t have a favorite. It is assumed that I like the Salutation maneuver the best because of an incident that happened six hundred years ago, roughly.”
“Yeah? What happened?”
“Oh, there’s not much to tell. Commander Barnstormer was setting up the show for that year’s Summer Sun Celebration, and she asked if there was any special move I’d like to have them perform. The Icaranian Sun Salutation matched my own choreography for the rising of the sun, so I requested that. Somehow, that request has evolved over time into what it is now.”
“I’d make the same assumption, though. I can see how it happened.”
Celestia’s hooves briefly paused as a knock came at the door, but she resumed and both royals smiled warmly when Wysteria walked in with her ever-faithful clipboard in tow.
“Good morning, Wysteria,” Bean offered. “How are you doing?”
“I’m feeling pretty good at the moment, sir, but the day is young. My new assistant and I have just … a few …”
Wysteria glanced behind her, and when she found no new assistant, she let out a small snort and stomped her hoof. “Miss Lulamoon, would you care to join us?”
“Trixie is coming!” she replied from just outside the doorway.
“Would you care to rephrase that statement?”
“I am coming, Miss Inkwell.” Trixie corrected. “But I am still not convinced that this is a good idea!”
“So, are you just going to stand out there and shout in the itinerary? That’s very unprofessional.”
Trixie’s head then slowly poked around the corner. “Trixie would really rather just go file some paperwork, or perhaps there are some pencils Trixie could push for you.”
“What did I say about pronouns?” Wysteria said calmly, even though it made Trixie snarl in frustration. Trixie then reiterated her statement, sans the inclusion of her name.
“The first day on the job is always the worst,” Wysteria offered to her employers as an aside. “Miss Lulamoon, if you’re going to assist me, then you’re going to have to talk to the Prince and Princess eventually, whether you want to or not.”
Trixie took a moment to look at Wysteria, Celestia, and Bean, but after a moment, she hesitantly stepped into the room. “Tr-” Trixie began before her eyes darted left to right. “Truly, it does not feel proper to walk into the personal chambers of the Princess, especially when she has her husband pinned to the ground.”
“You’ll get used to it,” Wysteria offered with a wicked grin. “Just for the love of the sun and moon, make sure you always knock before you enter.”
Trixie nodded and gulped while she watched Princess Celestia’s wings unfurl again, and she began to tug at the stiff and unyielding flowered collar she was now wearing around her neck.
“Trix-” She halted as, once again, her mind went into a panic for a suitable word. “Tricky, but I will strive to remember for sure.” She let out a half hidden sigh for her successful verbal maneuver before she continued. “But do I really have to wear this frilly collar? I feel like I’m going to choke.”
“Unless you want the guards hauling you off to the dungeon for trespassing, you need to wear it. The collar identifies your position and your affiliation to me.”
“Fine. But Trixie still doesn’t like this.” Trixie huffed, and she ceased to pull at the collar. “Arf.”
“Ahem.”
“I. Don’t. Like. This!” she re-huffed through her clenched jaw.
“You can hate it all you like, but if I have to wear one then so do you. Now, what’s on the itinerary for today?” Wysteria prodded.
Trixie’s magic seemed to be reaching for something, but nothing appeared. After a moment, Trixie glanced to her side, gulped loudly, then turned back to face Wysteria. “Um, it would seem that the itinerary has been misplaced.”
“You lost it?”
“I think it might be back in my room,” Trixie offered with a sheepish smile.
“Well … we are going to need it,” Wysteria stated plainly.
It took a few beats for the other unicorn to pick up on the pause that was meant for her. “N-now?”
“Preferably a few moments ago, but ...” Wysteria trailed off before motioning back down the hall.
“I … but … oh, crackers,” Trixie sputtered before taking off in a gallop with several grumbles trailing along in the air as she left.
“You seem to be in a rather stern and unforgiving mood today, Miss Inkwell,” Bean remarked.
“I don’t know what you mean, sir,” Wysteria said with an innocent smirk, before pulling out a paper from her own clipboard. “Now, while she is indisposed, let’s go over this copy of the itinerary.”
“See, that right there is just pure torture, Wys.”
“Perhaps, but this is how she will learn, sir. I won’t let her burn out, but she does need discipline, and maybe a kick of humility to the rump. She has a flair for the theatrical, so I am merely speaking in a way she will understand.”
“If you say so, I guess,” Bean remarked. “But I’ve found that cooking the meal behind the chef’s back just reinforces how much of a failure they are, and how deep your distrust of them runs.”
Wysteria pondered the words for a moment, sighed, and then put her copy back on her clipboard. “I’ll keep that in mind, sir.”
“Oh, but please do whatever you think you need to do, honest,” Bean added with a slight note of alarm. “I wouldn't dare to presume to know how to do your job. I'm letting my own past get in the way of your progress.”
“Well, I can see your point. I’ll try to do as you ask.”
Trixie then galloped back into the room, a clipboard in her magic, but it clattered to the ground once she had stopped, and she spread her front legs apart to help her lungs expand to their maximum capacity. “Got … the ... itinerary …”
“You were faster than I expected,” Wysteria offered with a satisfied smile. “Catch your breath first, Miss Lulamoon, then we’ll go over the items.”
It didn’t take long for Trixie’s breathing to return to normal, and once it had her magic again secured the clipboard for perusal. “Okay. There is nothing scheduled for this morning until Princess Celestia's class at the School for Gifted Unicorns at ten. During that time, Prince Bean is scheduled to have a study session in the Archives. Lunch with Ambassador Greyfeather will be at noon, and then Day Court will begin at …”
Trixie squinted and pulled the clipboard in closer. “Thirteen o’clock? Trixie thought that clocks only went up to twelve.”
“And you would be right,” Celestia replied. “We use military time in the palace to avoid confusion.”
“Oh. Um, Day Court is from thirteen o’clock to seventeen … thirty, I guess? It looks like an Officer’s Ball will then start at nineteen o’clock, and will end at twenty three o’clock. Bedtime is set for twenty three thirty.” Trixie looked over the paper again, and then up to the Princess. “You really need to have a scheduled bedtime?”
“I do. There are times when I have gotten so wrapped up in my work that I neglect to get the proper amount of rest.”
“Oh, I see.” Trixie flipped the paper over, then back again. “But I think that is all there is.”
“Good. Did Wysteria explain what you will be doing today?”
“Yes. Trixie has some new hire paperwork to fill out this morning, and then I will be following you and Prince Bean. Though Miss Inkwell will be assisting me, I am ultimately responsible for all aspects of your schedule.”
“Good. Please remember that keeping me on schedule is very important. There are days when all of our available time is taken, and if we don't keep to the time allotted we will create unnecessary issues.”
“Tr- uh, I understand. But, does this mean I will be attending the Ball this evening?”
“You are invited, yes,” Celestia replied with a small smile. “Though you need not worry about your attire. You are welcome to come as you are.”
“That reminds me.” Wysteria pulled out her own clipboard and began writing on a paper. “I’ll need to step out during Day Court to make sure my own dress still fits.”
“I’m sure it does, but it would be prudent to make sure,” Celestia replied with a small chuckle.
“I feel like a hot air balloon that has way too much air in it right now. They'll probably have to sew a few extra panels onto my dress, but we’ll both be there.”
“Good. Would you like to join us for breakfast, Miss Trixie? I can make some pancakes for you, if you’d like.”
There was a flash of eagerness in Trixie’s eyes, but her composure remained calm and even. “Thank you, yes. I would very much like to join you for breakfast.”
“We’ll meet you in the dining room, then.”
Trixie bowed while Wysteria dipped her head, and both left the room with no further comment. Celestia took a deep breath in through her nose, cleared her throat, and glanced back at her outstretched wings.
“Uh, Celly? Sweetie?” Bean whined softly. “You’re squishing your husband.”
Celestia let out a yelp of alarm and quickly pulled her front hooves off of her Bean. He let out a relieved gasp once he was free, but he then rolled over onto his back and gave his love a devious grin.
“We’re being a little overprotective, aren’t we?” he asked with a bob of his eyebrows.
“I am not being overprotective,” she replied quickly.
“Oh? Your wings suggest otherwise.”
“My wings suggest nothing. They will often extend on their own in response to my emotions, just like any other pegasus. I could be extremely pleased that Miss Lulamoon will be joining us for breakfast, you know.”
“Uh-huh, right,” Bean replied with a scoff, but then he had a devious grin appear. “Why don't we have Trixie accompany me to the Archives while you teach your class?”
Celestia’s nostrils flared, and her whole body visibly stiffened. “It would be better to have Wysteria assist you. She is far more familiar with the organization of the Archives, after all.”
“But Trixie needs to learn the layout, doesn't she? This would be a good way to learn where things are.”
“No.” Celestia snorted, and the only thing that kept her from stomping a hoof on the floor was the fact that she did not wish to trample her husband. “Wysteria will go with you.”
Bean chortled a bit, but he also realized there was no point in pursuing the matter further. “Alright, I’ll take Wys. Trixie should enjoy going to the School with you.”
Celestia nodded, and then she smiled softly while she bent down and kissed her love. “Very well. Come, we have pancakes to make, and I’m eager to see how you like the Ball this evening.”
“How often do they hold the Officer’s Ball?” Bean asked while Celestia helped him up. “Is it a once a year thing, or what?”
“It is once a year,” she replied, but then she had a sly grin of her own. “Hmm. I think I will give you a homework assignment.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yes. I want you to find out why it is held on this day. If you can, well …” She trailed off with a playful nip at his neck.
“Your implied reward is all the motivation I need,” Bean replied as they quickly nuzzled each other. “I shall give you a full report this evening.”
“I’m sure you’ll find it in short order. You are a very clever pony, after all.”
“I much prefer Celestia’s method of teaching,” Bean grumbled with a flip of a page in the massive tome before him. “I can’t imagine a more boring way to learn than this.”
“Didn’t you have to read cookbooks when you were a colt, sir?” Wysteria replied while scrawling some notes on her clipboard.
“Yeah, but I hated that, too. I always did better if I could just start throwing ingredients together. Cooking isn’t just some crude, mechanical process. It’s a delicate art; poetry in motion if you will. You can’t get the proper feel for the balance of flavor by rote, you have to find it for yourself.”
“I’ll remember that the next time I’m using a warm-up spell on a frozen kale pizza, sir,” Wysteria replied.
“Your Highness?” Trixie’s voice interrupted them, but Bean smiled while he turned to face her.
“Yes, Miss Lulamoon?”
“Trix - er, I found a few more books that I think might be helpful for you to look over.” Trixie gently placed a small stack near him, and Bean glanced at the top one quickly. “Most of them are military books, so they should have the information you need.”
“Thank you, Miss Lulamoon.”
“Is there anything else you needed me to do?”
“Not at the moment.”
“You should go get something to eat, Miss Lulamoon,” Wysteria interjected. “We’ll be busy helping with the Ambassador later, so now would be a good time. We’ll meet you in the dining hall at noon.”
“Thank you, Miss Inkwell,” Trixie replied with a dip of her head. “But Trixie does not have enough bits to buy a lunch.”
“Just tell Chef Beet to send the bill to me,” said Bean with a wink. “No good cook can bear the thought of a hungry soul who goes without due to the lack of a few bits. We’ll call it a sign-on bonus.”
“Um, thank you, Your Highness?” Trixie replied with no shortage of confusion. She then took a few steps towards the exit, but she paused and turned around again. “May I bother you for directions?”
Bean chuckled and pointed with one hoof. “Left once you leave, then right, then left again, up the stairs, another right, and then it’ll be on your left.”
“How long did it take you to figure out the layout of the palace?”
“Oh, I’m still learning.” Bean snickered slightly. “But I do have a nose for food, and it’s never led me astray.”
“Ah. Right.”
Bean went back to his book while Trixie left, but a few moments after she had gone he glanced up at the exit, then over to Wysteria. “I thought she was going to go with Celly today.”
“Hm?” Wysteria finished writing something, then focused her attention on him. “Oh, that. Miss Lulamoon was adamant about not going to the school, sir. She said she’d rather go get into a wrestling match with an ursa minor.”
“Do you know why she’s so opposed to going?”
“Yeah, it didn’t take very long to figure out. Trixie was a student there for a semester before dropping out, and she left a rather poor impression with the faculty. Her permanent record states that she was surly, argumentative, and hostile towards her fellow students and teachers. Once all that came to light, it was agreed that it would be best to have her remain with me. Besides, she would have just been sitting on her rump in a hallway while the Princess taught her class.”
“Huh. That’s a bit strange that she would drop out. Celly’s school is the premiere magic school, and as far as I understood, there’s a rather lengthy list of unicorns that want to get in.”
“It’s not so strange, sir. There are just some unicorns who can’t handle the demand that come with advanced lessons. I knew a couple of unicorns in high school who had dropped out, in fact. It’s not so different from a pegasus washing out in flight camp.”
“I still say it’s a bit strange, but I suppose it doesn’t much matter, does it?”
“Probably not, sir.” Wysteria stood and groaned, and she rubbed her head. “Ugh. I think I’ll go lie down for a few minutes, if you don't mind. It seems like if I’m not nauseous, I’m exhausted. A good nap should help out quite a bit.”
“Go ahead. I’m not going anywhere.”
Bean watched as the faithful secretary made her way to a nearby sofa, and then he turned his attention back to the mind-numbing, soul-sucking words before him. The record contained within would probably be more interesting if it had a bit more narrative in it, but this seemed to be a book of pure facts. So far, the format had been nothing more than ‘this happened, then this happened, and then this happened because of that,’ and it made it really hard to keep focused.
But Bean was motivated by a Celestia-powered reward, so he gritted his teeth, shook his head and legs to get his blood flowing, and then he pulled over a new book to study.
“Change of pace would be good. What is this book about, hmm?” he muttered softly to himself while randomly flipping the pages. He then jabbed his hoof in, laid the book flat, and began reading softly aloud. “The Third Sasquachary War. How many Sasquachary wars were there, anyway? Huh. ‘With its origins rooted in the assassination of Qaghan Y’Rbitta, it was the war that led to total destruction and annihilation of the Sasquatch tribe.’ Woah, Celly. You wiped out a whole tribe?”
~*~
Bean slowly closed the book before him, and he drew in a slow breath.
Celestia hadn’t wiped out just a mere tribe. She had erased an entire species.
The information presented had shown Bean a side of Celestia that he knew could exist in theory, but never in practice. If the book was to be believed, she had been ruthless and merciless, offering no leniency nor quarter while she had led her heavy cavalry in battle after battle in an unrelenting march across the barbarian lands.
“I earned the title of GhaH Qaw’ ‘ej Natlh in that war.” Celestia spoke softly, but Bean still jumped slightly and gasped. “It loosely translates to ‘She who destroys and consumes.’ It’s not one of my favorites.”
“I wouldn’t like that one much either.” He stood and moved quickly to hug his love. “Why?”
“At the time, I believed I had to. They were … possessed? Desperate? There isn’t one tidy term that can define it.” Celestia closed her eyes, and Bean could feel her tense up to a near stone-like state as the memories flooded into her. “Their Qaghan was killed by his own generals, and the blame was placed on my scouts. I tried diplomacy at first, but my messengers were sent back to me with enough arrows in them to make a porcupine jealous. Time after time I tried to reason with them, and time after time they flung themselves at us in a berserk rage that only yielded to death.
“We lost so many ponies.” Her tone went as soft as a tombstone. “So many lives cut short, so many relationships forever altered. I had no choice but to pursue them across those abominable, desolate eastern desert wastes that they called home, or they would double their troops and smash into my lines again. For centuries after, I would wake in a cold sweat, with the metallic taste of steel and blood in my mouth - and unable to identify which was which - while the echoes of Daybreaker rung in my ears, taunting me because of the loss of life and the carnage that I had allowed to happen. The Sasquatch were relentless, like some sort of horrible wave of swords and shields and bodies that endlessly crashed upon the fortifications that my ponies were duty-bound to protect, clawing and biting and slashing until their hearts had stilled and their bodies had gone cold and rigid. The pattern remained the same throughout the entire conflict. We’d defeat them in battle, and they’d burn their own settlements and murder their own wounded as they fell back and regrouped. General Picket coined the term ‘scorched earth’ to describe what they were doing to themselves.
“The war was over far before we ever reached their capital. We found that some kind of collective insanity had seized them, turning former friends into enemies and brothers against brothers. As we walked through what felt like the very gateway to death itself, we started to search for answers. I had my troops scour everything, fearful that we’d find some sort of artefact, or curse, or maybe even some sort of disease, but the longer we searched the more the question remained. It finally came to the point that we were so worried about the lack of a reason that we would have welcomed a deadly artefact. Anything would have been better than the oppressive nothingness, any reason at all. Even their ghosts did nothing but howl and scream for vengeance, ripping and tearing at their own spectral forms as if they wished to strike a fatal blow to death itself.”
Ghosts? Bean swallowed hard while trying to ask the question, but Celestia beat him to it.
“Ghosts, yes. You know from personal experience that they can roam among us at times, but there must be a strong connection, in one way or another, to the land of the living for such spirits to exist. Their once proud city had become a necropolis, and their pure hatred of all ponies, however it had come to be, bound them in misery to that place. They existed in function but not form, still consumed with their rabid desire for destruction but unable to act upon it. As one last act of mercy, I was able to dissipate the dark magics that bound them, but it took all that I had, and then some. The sheer amount of power that was needed nearly consumed me as well. It was one of the many times I wished Luna could have been there to assist me.”
Bean hugged his wife even tighter, and he felt a wet spot beginning to trickle down his neck. “You did what you had to, love. I know that. Nothing changes because of this.”
“Are you sure? Don’t you hate me?”
“Why would I?” he replied with a tender kiss. “One loves the light all the more once one has beheld the depths of the darkness.”
“There. Right there.” Celestia pulled back slightly, but her tear-rimmed eyes remained on him. “There’s the Bean I cherish the most. You love me. All of me. You don't love just the perfect princess part of me, or the passionate lover part, or the tortured mare forced into solitude by her own designs. You take all those parts, and more, and then you combine them and love the total that I am. I bear my heart and soul to you, and you return my affections back to me a hundred times over, if not more. I constantly worry you will run from my truths, but you stay. You move to me, and you stand with me.”
“That’s what I want to do, always. Beans grow toward the light, after all.”
“And then you say something like that.” She laughed. “I will never tire of your humor, no matter how riddled with puns it might be.”
“I hope not. I don't have any other material to use. My knock-knock jokes are atrocious.”
Celestia shook her head. “And thus is my gloom turned into sunlight. I thought that I was the one to bring light into the dark places, my husband.”
“And you forever will. But I would like to think that my little light can bring some illumination to your dark places too.”
“Your light is anything but little. It is with your light that I see my path forward.”
“Have I mentioned lately how wonderful it is to be married to you?”
“I believe you said something to that effect this morning,” said Celestia, with another quick kiss for him. “And may it be so for a thousand years. But, emotional memories do not cancel lunch appointments with the Griffon ambassador. We should be going. Where are Wysteria and Miss Lulamoon?”
“Wys is lying down over there, and Trixie should be waiting for us in the dining room.”
“Come, let us allow Wysteria some rest. She’ll need the energy for tonight.” Celestia's wing draped over Bean, and a deep smile was shared between them while they made their way out of the Archives. “I’m sure we can manage for one meal without her.”
“I would certainly hope so.”
“Did you find the answer to my homework question?” she asked with a playful, eager look.
“I did not. I got wrapped up in reading about the wars.”
“I see. Well, I suppose you don't get the reward, then.”
“Oh, would you really deny me?” Bean gave his best cute pouty face, but Celestia shook her head with a smile.
“I would. What kind of a teacher am I if I reward you for failure?”
“Oh, but you wouldn't … oh.” Bean became slightly frantic while his wife began to walk away. “You would. Wait! No! I'll find the answer! No! I can find it!”
“You know, you should really think about renaming these things,” Bean remarked through a yawn.
“Why is that?” Celestia asked with a glance to him.
“Calling it a Ball suggests that there will be dancing, and yet there has been a very distinct lack of such so far.”
“Well, ‘Officer's Social Time’ doesn't quite roll off the tongue,” she pointed out. “And there are enlisted ponies here too, so I would have to change the name to ‘The All-Guard Party Hour’ to be accurate.”
“I would pay good money to see you actually do that,” he challenged.
“I’ll run it by Shining Armor the next time I have a free moment.”
“I’m a bit surprised he isn’t here, now that you mention him,” Bean remarked, while his eyes swept over the cheerful guardsponies and their dates.
“He had every intention of coming, but then Cadence came down with some sort of cold and they had to cancel at the last minute.”
“Well, it’s a good thing she has a doting husband, then,” Bean observed with a wink. “Just so long as he doesn’t try to make any Citron Pressé.”
“Ah yes, that.” Celestia winced a bit. “I still feel horrible about the way I acted.”
“Water under a bridge, my love,” he replied before she could get the guilt train rolling down the tracks of regret. “It happened, we’ve dealt with it, so now we can joke about it.”
“I agree.”
Bean’s eyes lingered on his wife, and his smile grew while he drank her all in. Her dress for this evening was a nice pink number, with a simple skirt and no embroidery, and yet she still managed to be the most beautiful thing in the world. For his own part, he felt like he was a bit underdressed despite wearing his formal coat, but it was hard to feel equal to a room full of ponies in full dress uniforms.
“Enjoying the view?” Celestia asked with a smirk.
“As always. You look fantastic.”
“Thank you, but I hope I am not too fantastic. This night is a time to focus on our loyal guards and to give them the thanks they have earned. I want them to be the focus, not me.”
“We should probably not ask me to be the judge of that, then.”
“Perhaps not.”
“It’s so strange seeing everypony in their natural colors.” Bean’s eyes swept over the crowd again. “That is Sergeant Pokey over there, right?”
“If you are referring to the pony by the buffet table who is accompanied by a blue unicorn, then yes. That is Pokey.”
“I never would have guessed he was purple. It just doesn’t seem like his color. At least Sergeant Clover is green, like she should be.”
“It would be a bit strange if she was another color, wouldn’t it? I do have to admit that she has a handsome date as well.”
“Oh really?” he verbally jabbed. “Doth mine fair wife’s eyes begin to wander?”
“Hardly,” she retorted with a heavy eye roll, a laugh, and a gentle smack for the back of his head with her wing. “Mine eyes want for my Bean and none other. But as stallions go, he is a fair specimen, though I would say his wings to seem to be somewhat undersized, given his overall … heft.”
“Perhaps a bit, but who am I to judge?” Bean pointed to another partygoer. “I have to admit I like that dress that Sergeant Pepper’s date is wearing. I’m not quite sure how she did it, but she managed to make beige look good.”
“Some ponies are able to make any color look good. Fleur de Lis, for example, once wore a lime green ensemble to a Grand Galloping Gala, and she stole the show that night. I think the pattern and the accessories help, if it is done tastefully and properly.”
“Probably. That’s the only thing that makes me passible.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure,” Celestia teased. “I’ve seen how Trixie’s eyes wander.”
“What?”
“I may be a bit biased in this, my Prince, but you do turn heads these days. Many are better at hiding it, but Miss Lulamoon has a tendency to stare.”
“Really? No way. I mean … she does? Really?” Bean stammered while shuffling his hooves awkwardly.
“I am being serious. You are a fine stallion, but your attire and your title helps you to exude an enhanced sense of attention.”
“Well … I am pretty cute.”
“The cutest, but don’t let it go to your head. I can’t tell you how many ponies I have caught leering. They don’t mean to, or most of them don’t anyway. But after a century of being in the middle of things you begin to see who is trying hard not to look.”
“I suppose you would notice that kind of thing, wouldn’t you?”
“It’s not too hard. In fact, Blueblood’s date is a perfect example of what I am talking about. Watch her, and see how many times her eyes drift away from the ponies she’s speaking to and towards us. She can maybe stay focused for five to seven seconds before she begins to stare at us again.”
“Why would she be looking up here so often?”
“Oh, there are many reasons. She could be ‘checking you out’, as they say, but I find that it usually is because this is the first time a pony has been to an event here, in the palace, and with myself in attendance. She could also be watching us to see what her own actions should be. If she is unsure about what is proper and what is not in these circumstances, then she would want to follow our lead to stay out of trouble.”
“That makes sense.” He nodded, but then he laughed. “Or perhaps she’s stalking us, eh? She could be trying to figure out how to foalnap one of us.”
“She’d better not be. I would be rather perturbed if anypony tried to foalnap you. It was hard enough on me when Flint tried.”
“I don’t think we have to worry. We’re in a large room that is stuffed to the brim with guards. I don’t think anypony in their right mind would think attacking an event such as this was a good idea.”
“No, I suppose not. But I think I’ll ask Blueblood about it later, just to be sure.”
“Ah, the subtle art of asking about somepony’s date. I suppose you invented that some eleven hundred years ago, yes?”
Celestia scoffed. “Whatever I learned about subtlety I picked up from Luna. You wouldn’t believe how she can slink about with her words.”
“Oh, I’m pretty sure you could convince me. Speaking of which, why did she not come tonight? Was she too busy with her duties?”
“That’s the official reason. Between you and me, Luna has a hard time with balls, galas, or any other sort of social gathering. She tries to come as much as possible, but I’m afraid most of them remind her too much of Star.”
“Oh. I didn’t even think about that.”
“We discussed it at length when she returned from exile. I told her then, and I still tell her now, that she is under no obligation to attend any event that I plan. She is welcome to come if she wishes to, but if she does not then she simply does not.”
“I get that. I would hate it if I was forced to go to events without you.”
“It also doesn’t help that the Grand Galloping Gala has become rather dull over the years. I wouldn’t dare force such tedium on my sister if I can help it.”
“They’re really that boring?”
“Yes. Nearly all formal events unfold in a set and predictable manner, I’m afraid. Most ponies only expect me to appear, smile, wave, and to offer a few words in greeting. If I participate more than that, I set off a furious round of worrying. And if I should ever try to dance—” Celestia shuddered.
“So, I guess that applies to me as well, huh?”
“Yes, but this is actually a good thing. You and I can keep each other company.”
“That we can,” he replied with a quick nuzzle for her. “But is there anything else we can do to make these types of things less dull?”
“The Element Bearers have been inadvertently helpful in that regard in recent years.” Celestia paused for a moment, then laughed. “You should have been here a few years ago, when all of Twilight’s friends attended for the first time. That was a good Gala.”
The conversation was interrupted by a pony clearing their throat from behind them, and both smiled as Wysteria and Trixie stepped out and in front of them. Wysteria, however, had the audacity to hold up a hoof to the royals while Celestia's wings extended out, but both of them recognized that playful gleam that was in the secretary’s eyes and said nothing about it.
“Now, remember that you are the keeper of Equestria,” Wysteria admonished Trixie in a low voice. “You hold the kingdom in your hooves as Celestia’s secretary. She will look to you and your council in times of trouble, and your advice could shape the course of future events.”
“Right,” Trixie replied with a nod.
“Plus, you hold The Schedule. You can make or break everything with that, and with how you manage it. Always be a wise steward of Celestia’s time.”
“But you can waste mine all you like,” Bean piped up with a bob of his eyebrows. “Us Princes are pretty disposable.”
“I was getting to you, sir,” Wysteria shot back through clenched smile, but then she took a calming breath. “Now, since Prince Bean has so eloquently pointed out his own importance, let us move on. Let us say you have just approached the princess and the prince. How do you begin a proper conversation with them?”
Trixie paused for a moment in thought, but then cleared her throat and held her head high. “Excuse me, Princess? May I have a moment of your time?”
“Of course,” Celestia replied with a small grin. “What is it, Miss Lulamoon?”
“According to the schedule, you have ten minutes before your speech.”
“Thank you. You look nice, by the way.”
“Trix - er, I thank you, Your Highness.” Trixie said while looking back at the grey dress she was wearing. “Miss Inkwell was kind enough to loan this to me for the evening.”
“You look good too, Wys,” Bean offered, and the secretary smiled deeply and gave a twirl.
“Thank you, sir. I do rather like how this turned out, and it only needed very small modifications.”
“Black is a good color for you,” Bean noted. “And the sequins are a nice touch.”
“That’s what Quill said, too,” Wysteria replied with a hint of a blush on her cheeks. “But doesn’t he look rather dashing as well?”
“He looks better than I do, that’s for sure,” Bean replied.
“You should go be with him,” Celestia admonished, and she gave her faithful secretary a nudge with a hoof. “Go on. He’s waiting for you.”
“Are you sure?”
“I think Miss Lulamoon will be able to keep us on schedule.” Celestia nudged again, then nodded in Quill’s direction. “I'm sure. He’s been staring at you ever since you walked in.”
Wysteria giggled like a schoolfilly while she looked over to her date, and a full crimson spread across her face when he smiled and beckoned for her to come join him.
“If you’ll excuse me, Your Highnesses,” Wysteria called out over her shoulder, before she pranced down the stairs and over to her Quill.
“Yeah, I think they’re going to be able to work things out.” Bean chuckled with his wife.
“Trixie will need to beg her leave of Your Highnesses as well,” said Trixie with a bow.
“What? Where are you going?” Bean got out first.
“Anywhere but here. Trixie is not sure if the restraining order has expired yet or not.”
“What? Who has a restraining order out against you?”
“Missus Lulamoon,” a voice from behind Trixie interrupted the conversation, and she began to growl.
“That’s Miss Trixie to you, ‘Prince.’”
“Charming, as always.” Blueblood replied with a snort of amusement. “I must say, that collar is rather fetching on you. I trust that my aunt is not keeping you on a tight leash?”
“Trixie will cram that leash right down your throat here in five seconds, you miserable …”
“All right, that’s quite enough of that.” Celestia placed a wing between the two of them before things got out of control. “How do you know Prince Blueblood, Miss Trixie?”
“That is a short story. Prince Butthead did not like Trixie’s magic show in San Palomino, Trixie told him which ear he could stuff his criticism into, and then Trixie proceeded to shove said criticism in there for him.”
“It hurt, too.” Blueblood quietly added with a absentminded rub of his left ear. “Isn't that restraining order still in effect, by the way?”
“You’d better hope it is.”
“There’s no need for such foalish behavior, you two.” Celestia gave them both a stern glare.
“My aunt speaks the truth, Miss Lulamoon.” Blueblood offered a hoof to her. “I came here tonight for two reasons, and one of them was to make amends and to start anew with you. I humbly ask for your forgiveness for my inappropriate behavior, both in the past and here in the present. Perhaps we can be friends?”
“Trixie doubts that,” she sighed, but she shook his offered hoof. “But Trixie can be friendly. If you leave her alone, Trixie will leave you alone.”
“That will be acceptable. You know, I was rather pleased when I heard that Miss Inkwell had hired you on after the ‘incident’ yesterday. Her magnanimous gesture was an inspiring way to resolve the issue.”
“Inspiring. Sure, that’s what it was.”
“Miss Lulamoon,” Celestia interrupted. “It would seem I have left the notes for my speech back in my office. Would you go collect them for me?”
“Of course.” Trixie bowed her head, gave Blueblood one last glare, and then left with a snort of annoyance that sounded suspiciously like a small ‘woof.’
“Dear nephew, I sincerely hope that you remain committed to your peace agreement with Miss Lulamoon,” Celestia warned. “She will be under my employ for the foreseeable future, and I cannot tolerate any fighting with my secretaries.”
“Of course, dear aunt,” Blueblood replied. “You have my solemn word that I will treat Miss Trixie with all the respect she deserves.”
“Good. Now, what is the second reason for your visit this evening?”
“Your Highnesses, I wish to introduce you to my ravishing parter for this evening. May I present the fair Lady Chrysanthemum.”
A svelte blue unicorn then stepped forward, her eyes hungrily taking in every inch of the Prince while her head dropped in reverence, then raised again. Bean couldn’t help but feel a tickle of uneasiness run through his skin, but he smiled and nodded back.
“Good evening, Lady Chrysanthemum,” Celestia offered with a curious look. “Have we met before?”
“Oh, no,” Chrysanthemum tittered. “I don’t think we ever have, Your Highness.”
“Hmm. You seem so familiar. Perhaps it was a few years ago, during the fundraiser for the new windmill in Bosalville?”
“No, no. I’ve never been to Bosalville.”
Celestia gave her a dubious look for a moment, but then she smiled. “Well, perhaps I have just seen you around, then. How are you enjoying the festivities?”
“Oh, this is all very nice. I don’t get much of a chance to come to these sorts of things, so I always relish when I can.”
Bean took a step back while Chrysanthemum’s eyes again moved to him. It wasn’t so bad at a distance, but when she was up close it was rather creepy.
“You seem to be highly interested in my husband, ma’am.” Celestia remarked with a hint of warning, and her wings slightly extended again.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I stare a lot, I know,” the potential paramour giggled. “I’m being very rude. I’m not staring at you, my Prince, I’m actually staring at your crystal.”
“You are?” Bean asked, and a hoof reached up to cover it.
“Yeah. I'm really into geology, and when the Crystal Empire reappeared, well …” she devolved into a furious round of high-pitched giggling. “Sorry, sorry. I just really like crystals. They’re like … like an uber rock. I’ve wanted to go to the Crystal Empire to study them more, but things have prevented me from doing so. Does it absorb magic at all?”
“No, not that I’ve noticed,” Bean replied.
“Wow. I kinda thought it would, y’know, given how the Crystal Heart operates and everything. Does it focus your own magic then, or maybe it lets you tap in to the ley thaumological lines that are present in the quintessence above us, or ooh!” she gasped loudly. “Don’t tell me it allows you access to magics outside your realm! I mean, being an earth pony is fine, I guess, but if you could gain access to unicorn magic, or pegasus magic, or even Princess Celestia’s! Wait! Can you tap into alicorn magic with that?! That would change everything we know about—”
“Hold it, hold it.” Bean held a hoof over the sun-shaped crystal. “It’s just pretty. There’s nothing magical about it, other than the symbolism.”
“Oh? What symbolism does it hold?”
“That my heart will always be close to the Princess,” he replied with conviction. “It is she who guides me, and she who inspires me. Much like myself, there’s no value in this crystal by itself. It only becomes great by association.”
“Oh.” Chrysanthemum replied with a flat look. “Well, that’s fine too, I guess. Maybe a bit disappointing, but very informative too.”
“Come, my dear,” Blueblood gave his date a gentle nudge. “I think we’ve pestered my aunt and …” he swallowed hard, “and uncle long enough. Thank you, Prince Bean, for the information and for your time.”
“Not a problem at all,” he replied while the two before him bowed again. “Please feel free to ask more questions anytime.”
Bean smiled while they left, but not because they were leaving. There was a very low and subtle rumble coming from his left, and it was being generated by a beloved white mare with exceptionally large wings and a sharp horn that had lowered slightly to prepare for a perceived challenge.
“You know, I think it’s kinda cute how you keep running off any mares that get too close to me.”
“I am not doing anything of the sort.” Celestia replied while her wings ruffled and folded back down seemingly on their own.
“Uh-huh, right. Why do you think she was so interested in my Celestial Crystal?”
“I am not sure, so we must take her at her word, I suppose.”
“Do you think this thing has any of those properties she was talking about?”
“No, I believe it is a common crystal,” Celestia remarked while she looked it over with him quickly. “If you would like, we can do some testing with it another time to make sure.”
“I think we should. I’d hate to think I have some kind of superweapon around my neck and I don’t even realize it.”
“I think Cadence would have mentioned that, if that was true,” Celestia replied with a giggle. “However, you did mention one incorrect fact about it.”
“I did?”
“You said the crystal gains value by association, much like yourself. This would be incorrect on both parts. The crystal you wear is worth tens of thousands of bits, if we assign a monetary value to it, simply because it is a crystal. And you, my dear Bean, have great intrinsic worth as well. You are great with me, not because of me.”
“Thanks,” he replied with a nuzzle for her. “I’m glad I have value here, and to you. There were times I didn’t feel like I had any worth at all in the past.”
“Sometimes the value of something is not apparent until it has undergone some refinement and adjustments. I would say your marriage to me has refined you.”
“That it did, and I will forever be grateful for that.”
~*~
“Bob! You little termite, get over here!”
“M-my Queen?”
“Who else would it be, you idiot? Have you had any success yet?”
“No, My Queen. I'm still searching.”
“That is not what I wanted to hear. Ugh. I can't stand that overbearing oaf. If I have to listen to one more of his insufferable stories, I'm going to throw up.”
“My deepest apologies, My Queen, but my access is limited. There are still some guards on duty, because not all of them went to the Ball.”
“Fine. You get one more hour, but not a minute more. I’m going to throttle my parasite of a date after that.”
“I will do what I can, My Queen.”
“Just don't get caught. The last thing I need is for everything to be exposed. Now, give me that love you’ve been storing. I need a pick-me-up something fierce.”
“I mean no disrespect, My Queen, but can't you just take some from him?”
“Haven't I warned you about thinking?”
“Um … yes?”
“Obviously I need to use something larger to drive the point in. I can't steal their love here, stupid. Everypony would notice. Besides, he’s so full of himself that all I’d get is a bad case of gas.”
“Oh.”
“Where is Thorax?”
“With Mandible. They are trying to get that map of palace that you requested finished.”
“Good. At least something is getting done. Once they finish, I want you and Thorax to head out to Appleoosa. Sunbutt and her little Bean are heading there this weekend to meet with the Buffalo, and you both need to keep an eye on that. They should be making a visit to Vanhoofer immediately after that, but I don't care about that one. They’re just attending a ribbon cutting for some art school.”
“We will head out as soon as possible.”
“Have you received any news from the Hive?”
“Yes, My Queen. The containment pod is complete and ready for the Prince, but the last shipment of dark stone has been delayed in customs. It seems they thought it was a load of avocados, and they claimed it hasn't been properly decontaminated. Phil is working on it, but it’s gonna take at least two weeks to get it straightened out.”
“Fine. He’d better not let them eat any of it.”
“You can eat dark stone?”
“As far as you know. I have to get back. Remember, you have fifty seven minutes, and then I'm going to start taking it out of your paycheck.”
“Well, that was a rather successful ball, I would say,” Bean remarked while he and his wife slowly walked towards their room. “However one would score a ball, that is. Either by points or a letter grade, it still gets very high marks.”
“Indeed,” Celestia agreed with a small yawn.
“Amazing how tiring standing around can be, isn’t it?” he offered with a yawn of his own to match hers.
“It is, but it was very much worth it. However, I am ready to kick these shoes off and to curl up with you until dawn, and I would guess that you would enjoy that as well.”
“Snugglestia? Yes, please!” Bean replied, and the two of them shared a light laugh together. “Did we have anything important going on tomorrow?”
“Not in the morning. Wysteria is good to keep the morning after a late event like this open so that we can sleep in once I have raised the sun. I do believe our first appointment is not until eleven.”
“That would be nice,” he replied, and he rested his head on her neck while they proceeded. “I love you, you know.”
“I love you too, my Bean.” she replied, and Bean felt the warmth of that love spread through his chest.
“Good evening, Sister,” Luna called out, “and to you, Bean. How was the ball?”
“Where are you?” Bean asked with a glance around the hall, and Luna dropped down out of the air in front of them with a sly grin. “Oh, right. You fly too.”
“Every now and then,” Luna said with a low laugh.
“The ball was nice,” Bean continued. “The guards who spoke to us all said they greatly enjoyed it, and Trixie didn’t disembowel Prince Blueblood with a dessert spoon.”
“That does qualify it for an unabashed success, then,” Luna replied with a smile. “I apologize for not being able to attend.”
“It’s fine; Celestia explained why to me. I can imagine it’s still hard for you to be without your Star, even after all this time.”
“It is. Perhaps one day I will be able to attend a social function without him, but the pain of his absence still pricks deeply, I’m afraid.”
Bean felt his heart drop with Luna’s wings, and he felt horrible for bringing up the subject. He could bet that Luna was understating how much she really did miss her beloved, and how much her heart still ached for him. He had heard the phrase ‘time heals all wounds’ over and over throughout his life, but clearly some wounds never fully healed, no matter how much time one had.
A gust of wind tickled the hairs of his coat just then, and while Celestia asked her sister about the progress of the evening, Bean found himself hearing the whispered voice of an unseen other.
“Ah, my fair Luna. How ah wish ah could cure yer pain.”
Bean glanced around the hall, but there was no sign of the speaker. He hoped that the whisper was who he thought it was, and that perhaps his impassioned desire could somehow be brought to pass.
When Baked Bean was young and new to the world of cooking, he would occasionally receive bursts of inspiration for new dishes to make, and new ingredient combinations to try. His father had gently and gleefully explained that such flashes were the inner muse of a chef, and that if he followed the inspiration he could create fantastic wonders for the world.
When Baked Bean’s eyes returned to Luna, he saw that flash of inspiration once again. He wasn’t sure if it was the mysterious voice speaking to him, or if he had just stumbled into the idea by himself, but it didn’t much matter either way. There was something he could do to help his sister-in-law, and the more he thought of it, the more happiness he felt.
“Luna?” Bean asked. “May I have this dance?” He crooked an elbow in her direction and gave a short bow.
Luna and Celestia both gave him a curious look, but it was Luna who replied. “Why would I do that? The ball is over.”
“Yes, but the decorations are still up, and the tables haven’t been put away yet. You could at least see how the party looked, so when we tell you about it you could have a better mental image to work with. And it would be a shame if you did not have at least one dance this evening.”
Luna contemplated the offer for a moment, and then she smiled. “You know, I do believe I would like to have one dance. That is, if your wife approves of the idea.”
“So long as you hurry,” Celestia replied with a playfully stern look. “He has stayed out past his bedtime, after all.”
“This should take only a few minutes. Please, lead the way, Bean.”
“Be right back,” Bean offered to his wife, and with a quick kiss they parted. Bean then smiled slightly while he fell in step with Luna, and she gave him a pleased smile in return.
“I had feared that you would not appreciate the formal balls that are held here in the palace,” Luna offered. “It is one thing to attend as a guest, but it is quite another to attend as the host. Was it tolerable in that regard?”
“Oh, I would have liked to move around a bit more, but it wasn’t so bad. I don’t think I could stand it if I was by myself, but having Celly there to talk with was helpful, and she told me she liked having me by her side to keep her company also.”
“It is a shame that the modern gala has become so stiff and formal,” Luna commented thoughtfully. “But even back in my Star’s day, it was an unwelcome surprise to most when my sister and I participated in the festivities. You learn quickly that our little ponies expect a certain degree of decorum and propriety from their rulers.”
“Yeah, we do,” Bean agreed. “I suppose it’s comforting to know that you and Celestia will always behave in a respectable and predictable manner.”
“The familiar may be dull, but at least one knows what to expect and can grow comfortable with it,” Luna observed, but then she smiled softly. “Forgive me, Bean. I should not lay such weighty thoughts on you at this hour.”
“It’s fine. As a chef, you learn to get away from the familiar. You can’t just cook the same thing over and over again. Writing is the same way, from what I’ve seen so far. I won’t ever get any better if I always write the same way.”
“A wise observation,” Luna noted as they approached the vaulted and gilded double doors of the Grand Ballroom. “It is a shame you were not born a thousand years ago. Celestia and I could have used an observant commander like yourself on the fields of battle.”
“No, I’m pretty extra sure I would have seen all of the sharp, pointy things and then passed out,” he replied with a small chuckle. “I am a writer, not a fighter.”
“Huh!” Luna snorted out an amused laugh. “Star would say nearly that exact same thing just before he took off in a gallop towards the enemy’s lines. In my experience, idealists like yourself have the most to fight for.”
“I guess we do, huh?”
“Indeed. Shall we?”
Bean pushed open the door for Luna, and he bowed to her as she entered. She said nothing to him, but that slight glare he got from her was exactly the same as the one Celestia gave him when he deferred too much to her. He offered a cheesy grin as he straightened, and she shook her head a little and rolled her eyes.
“Did you know that this hall is an exact replica of the one we had in the old castle?” Luna remarked over her shoulder as she took in the decorations.
“It is?”
“Yes. Celly felt it was important to keep some of the old, even as she built anew. Even the tilework is exact, down to the pattern.”
“Wow. We visited the old castle a while back, and Celly did mention she wanted to visit again. I’ll have to look at it if we do.”
“I believe you will be interested.”
“What were those old Galas like?” Bean asked in soft reverence.
“Oh, they were simple affairs, especially if you compare them to today. It took many years before Equestria was prosperous enough for Celestia and me to feel comfortable with making them more lavish.
“I would naturally start here, at the entrance,” Luna continued with a wistful gaze and a small smile. She swept a hoof before the empty room. “In those days, the Royals were the last to arrive. This hall would be full of guests, and one or two rounds of dancing had most likely passed by already. The Yeomare of the Guard would be posted about where you are, ready and waiting to announce the arrival of Princess Luna, Diarch of Equestria and Mare of the Moon.
“You know,” she gave a small laugh, “the blame for those flat topped, flowered hats they wore is rightly placed on me. When Celestia and I were given the final designs for the formal uniforms of the time, Star adamantly noted his displeasure of the flat hat and he threatened to revolt if it was included in the final design. Naturally, this meant that I had to include it. He acquiesced in the end, but there were a lot of sighs and eyerolls during those first few months when it came into formal use. I added roses around the rim to make it a bit more tolerable, and that seemed to appease him.”
“Roses do tend to make everything better,” Bean offered in a gentle voice.
“They always did for me,” Luna replied back with a glance to her left and a small smile. “Once I had been announced, I would move into the crowd in the hopes of sharing some pleasantries with my subjects. It was one of the few times that they would reciprocate my friendship. ‘Hello, Baron Gaberdine, how are you?’ I would ask. ‘Just fine, thank you.’ ‘Lady Winding Roads, so good to see you again!’”
Luna dipped her head to the air, and she laughed lightly. “‘Oh, the moon is just as round as ever, Duke Whinnyfield, thought if I let mine wee rascal raise it once more, I run the risk of it becoming oblong. She doth not yet have the subtle touch that is needed, but she hath made great bounds in that regard.’ Oh, I loved to talk about my wee rascal, Bean. I couldn’t have been prouder over her accomplishments. But the best? By far, the best was when I had mine Star with me. He would blush in a most furious manner when I would place him within the conversation. ‘Yes, Lady Fairlane, Prince Star Struck still labors under the impression that his daring midnight raids of the castle’s stores doth go unnoticed. He feigns innocence, and yet he doth complain that his armor is shrinking!’”
The laugh that Bean and Luna shared seemed to stir an ancient dusting of happiness that had sat idle for far too long, and a breath of life began to tickle the edge of the senses. Imperceptible as it nearly was, the echoes of the ancient voices seemed to be at the tips of Bean’s ears, but those ears folded back when he saw Luna’s demeanor droop.
“It is the memories, sometimes, that cause the greatest amount of anguish; and that is where Death has its greatest victory. The loss of anypony ends the opportunities for more of those memories, more moments, more time. I ache for those moments, Bean, when I sat and listened to him as he would tell me of his day, or of the news that he had heard. Just to…”
She paused for a moment. “What I wouldn’t give to hear his delightful brogue again. No more can I feel his coat against mine, no more do his tears mingle with mine own. While he lived, I felt that I could protect him from all ill that could possibly befall a pony. I learned eventually that I could not save him from the ravages that come to all whose lives are measured by the steady fall of the sand in the glass.”
“Do you ever regret falling in love?”
“No.” The answer was swift and true. “Not in that lifetime, not in this lifetime, nor in any lifetime that yet may be. Even if I did have some foresight into what would be back then, I would have willingly tread the path.”
“Do you think Celestia and I have something similar to what you had?”
Luna smiled. “You do. Now, about that dance?”
“I do have to warn you about my four left feet,” Bean admitted with a sheepish grin, but Luna scoffed.
“Dancing is a very simple affair, Bean. Here, let me show you.” Luna turned to face him with a grin. “Let us start with a waltz. It is a simple dance, and you should be able to handle it.”
“And if I can’t?”
“Then you can not. Let us see how you fare, then I will know how to help you best.”
Another faint puff of wind ruffled his coat, and he smiled slightly while the two bowed to each other. Bean then gently swept Luna up and into his arms, and with an introductory cue from the unheard orchestra, they began.
The nonexistent song was a simple one, easy to follow and familiar even to Bean’s uneducated ears. He allowed her to lead at first, following her gentle directions as they began to sweep across the empty floor, and yet she seemed to be mindful of the other dancers and their relationship to her. Luna knew exactly when and how to move, how each hoof should fall and where each turn should occur, and she did it all with the subtle grace that only a true princess could ever hope to have.
Bean could almost feel the glares of the nobles that were not there, leering at and condemning this most unbecoming pair. She was the royal, and he was nothing more than the commoner, and decorum and tradition were quite clear about the rules regarding the two. Such a mixture was a distasteful affront to the station that Luna held, and a pure perversion of the proper order of things. Every pony had a place in the world, but nopony was meant to go beyond those bounds.
He smirked a bit as the absentee orchestra struck up the tempo of the tune. There had been one other who had bucked convention, and Bean knew that Star Struck was a major reason he could even stand where he was without getting blasted, in either a literal or a figurative sense. Thanks to Luna’s love, he had the precedent, however foul it may taste to the nobility, to be at Celestia’s side and to dance with Star’s Luna.
The common could ascend, no matter how many objections were raised. Let the nobles sniff in disgust, let them leer in derision. True nobility had always been more about one’s heart and character than one’s birthright and lineage.
Bean tried to be graceful as he attempted to glide about the room. The totality of his dancing experience could be encapsulated by his ability to deliver a full tray of soup bowls to the various patrons of the Zurest, so rough as it was he did manage to produce something that resembled poise. Luna never mentioned his missteps, however, and whenever he did stumble she would simply smile and allow him to regain his footing before moving in earnest again.
He did have to admit that the atmosphere of delight that began to fill the room helped his confidence and his willingness to continue trying. The notes of the music motivated his hooves towards elegant movement, the soft touch of Luna gave him the direction he needed, and the strength of tradition gave him the will to move on. Despite his own misgivings about a life with Celestia, he was doing it. He could do it.
And he could keep doing it.
“May ah cut in, Your Highness?”
Confused, startled, and surprised were three words that should have been used to describe how Bean felt at hearing the voice, yet none of those applied. Instead, Bean simply nodded and stepped aside, allowing the unseen speaker to seamlessly move in where Bean had once been.
Princess Luna’s entire countenance lit up like the night sky when she was passed into the embrace of her new partner. A cry of delight rang out in the hall, and the dance was interrupted for a moment for Luna to move into a deep and passionate embrace with…
Nopony. There was nopony in the arms of the Princess. As far as Bean could see, they were alone still. Nothing had changed in the grand hall from when they had entered.
Yet somehow, everything had changed. Bean blinked again, and a satisfied smile spread as he watched the dance resume. No matter how alone Bean had thought he and the Princess had been, there was yet another here, one who would forever hold the heart of the Night within his hooves and who had never stopped giving his heart to her.
Now the dance was as it should be. Luna swept around the room with no hesitation, no question. Her moves were familiar, born and bred from a thousand such dances over a lifetime long removed from the one she lived now. With him, there was no need to think about mechanics or control. She moved with pure feeling, acted with the flow of the moment, and loved without restraint.
Bean exclaimed in delight when Luna’s wings flared and she took to the air, her dance unhindered by the lack of a floor. She and her own defied gravity with the assured confidence of a pair that had dared to defy fate itself and won. She moved effortlessly through the air, her body taking flight in a way that hadn’t been seen in centuries. The sweep and the swing were so natural to her, so much so that Bean couldn’t help but believe that the dance he saw before him was as beloved to the Princess of the Night as the raising of the moon.
The forever couple then swept out through one of the open stained-glass windows and into the night, and Bean quickly followed as best as he could. His heart leapt with the dance of the Princess, and the flow of the heavens above him filled the very essence of creation with love unbound. Across the firmament and within the stars, he found not just the love of Luna and her love, nor just the single pair of dancers. The skies were filled with the love of all generations, from the distant then to the very now; dancing in beautiful partnerships across the technicolor borealis of existence and reality. Though Luna and Bean had started in a room of nothing, they now were part of the Grand Something, the summation of life, the universe, and everything. Unicorn and Pegasus, Alicorn and Earth. Each with her own, each loving his more than all other.
Bean’s tears flowed freely while the grand dance before him filled his eyes with illustration and understanding. This is what he could have with his Celestia. One day, the very definition of majesty, as it was displayed before him, would be his to have with her.
* * ☽ * *
Celestia’s hooves gently moved across the dewdrop grass, and her eyes swept across the carefully manicured grounds while she gave her little stuffed Bean a small hug. The live-action Bean had not yet returned to her, despite the imminent approach of dawn, and she was eager to find him before beginning her day.
Eager, but unconcerned. She had nothing but complete trust and faith in both her Bean and her Sister, and she was sure she would find her beloved out here, just as sure as she was sure her name was Celestia Bean.
She giggled slightly to herself and nuzzled her plush companion as the thought passed. Celestia Bean. It only became more perfect with each repetition, although she dared not use it in court for fear of breaking out in unstoppable giggles unbecoming of a Princess.
A gentle snore caught her ear, and it gave the rest of her a tug in the direction of her one and only. She smiled a bit more with her tiptoed approach, and when she did find Bean, she couldn’t help but let out a small coo of delight.
He was just too cute! He was on his back, his legs twitching slightly with his snores, and a small grin remained on his face while he slumbered. It looked like he had fallen asleep while watching the stars, and he would still be admiring them if he was awake.
“Bean?” Celestia gently nudged his cheek with her nose, and she kissed him softly as he stirred and yawned. His eyes slowly opened, and the look of delight that overtook him filled her heart with that incomparable joy that she could never tire of.
“Hey, beautiful,” he offered, and a sly grin overtook him. “Who is that devilishly handsome partner you have there?”
“This is my temporary cohort. He is helping me to find the one I love. Are you all right?”
“I think so. I was… I was just…”
Bean’s eyes darted back and forth, and his legs twitched again. “It’s morning?”
“Almost, yes.”
“But I was just with Luna. She was dancing with...”
Celestia giggled again while Bean flipped onto his stomach, and with one smooth movement she laid down next to him and spread her wing across his back.
“I’m not entirely sure what happened last night,” Bean offered with a note of worry in his voice. “I think Luna was… and she… huh. I don’t even know if it actually happened, or if I was just dreaming the whole thing.”
“Did you see it, Bean?” she gently asked. “Did you feel it in your heart? Can you still recall how it touched you?”
“Of course, but—”
“Then it was real in the only way it matters.”
Bean nodded to this, and his smile matched hers while they both looked to the twilight sky. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen the stars dance like they are now.”
“Luna always could bring out the best in them.”
“And from him?” Bean softly asked.
Celestia gave him a gentle boop. “And he from her. The moon will forever be touched by him, just as you will always touch the sun.”
Sergeant Pokey inhaled deeply through his nose as he paused before the office door of Lieutenant Spear Point. Though nearly every guard would admit that the Lieutenant was second only to Captain Armor in terms of likability and professionalism, Pokey always felt that being summoned to his office was like being called down to the principal’s office. It was just about time for the annual reviews, and this could be the first part of a final report that would be submitted to the Captain. His entire future as a guard could possibly be on the line at this point.
“Pokey? You’re here too?”
“Clover?” Pokey verbalized his thought, turned, and returned his partner’s salute before giving her a hoofbump. “I wasn’t expecting you. I guess this isn’t a review, eh?”
“Can’t be. This must be some new threat that’s just cropped up.”
Pokey then rapped on the Lieutenant’s door. “We’d better get the details, then.”
At Spear Point’s invitation, both guards walked into the office, came to attention in front of his desk, and snapped a sharp salute to him. “Sergeants Hokey Pokey and Clover Leaf, reporting as requested, sir.”
“At ease, Sergeants,” Spear replied with a quick return salute, and all three ponies sat. “I’ll get right to the point, since you’re both due to begin your shift. We have a problem on our hooves.”
“What sort of problem, sir?” Clover asked, and Spear slid a manila folder to each of them.
“A great and powerful problem. I’ve just gotten the dossier back on Beatrix ‘Trixie’ Lulamoon, and it’s not pretty. We’ve got a con artist working as a secretary to Princess Celestia.”
The guards quickly read over the documents they’d been presented with as Spear continued. “Here’s what we know: for the most part, Trixie is just a common traveling magician. She picks up the odd complaint of disturbing the peace and false advertising in various cities, but she’s always just sent on her way. Her biggest official offense is a double parking violation in Barrlestown, and she spent a nickel in the clink for that due to her ‘indignant circumstances.’”
“Shouldn’t that be indigent, sir?” Clover asked.
“You would like to think so. Either that’s a typo, or she got jailed for having anger management issues. But then we get to Ponyville, and we get a list of crimes that gives me heartburn: possession of an illegal ancient artifact, inciting a stampede, enslavement, destruction of property, just to name a few. Nopony in town pressed charges, though, and we wouldn’t have known this had even happened save for the fact that Princess Twilight sent a letter to inform us of the new and secure repository for the Alicorn Amulet.
“Sergeants, the official report states that her crimes were a result of the corrupting influence of the amulet, but that does little to assuage my fears. The last thing Equestria needs is a potential hoodlum like Trixie giving the royals advice, but when I approached Princess Celestia about it yesterday, she dismissed my concerns with a simple ‘I trust Miss Inkwell’s judgement.’ I need you two to keep an eye on Trixie and report back to me if she starts to pull any funny business. I would love to trust Miss Inkwell’s judgements as implicitly as Her Highness does, but that’s hard to do since she’s begun naming various potted plants around the palace. She was telling me last night about how Mister Green Leaf smells the best, despite her additions to his feeding schedule, but Miss Ficus relates to her pain better.”
“Is there anything specific we should be looking for, sir?” Pokey asked.
“No; just use your best judgement with this. Maybe it’ll all turn out to be a lot of nothing, but I’d rather not take the chance.”
“Understood, sir.”
“Good. Also, I’d like you two to take Private Lemon Tart with you today. She’s doing extremely well in the A.T.C., but I suspect that she’s doing too good for her own good. A little hooves on experience would help her humility levels, so you may proceed with Operation Ripe as planned.”
“Will do, sir,” Pokey replied. “Anything else?”
“Keep an eye out for changelings, make sure no ancient evils attack the city, maintain the peace, keep the petitioners in line, keep Prince Blueblood from making a fool of himself, make sure your armor is polished, and don’t spit into the wind,” Spear replied with a grin. “Oh, and remember that the review boards will be setting up soon. I’ll be watching you two very closely in the coming weeks.”
“Understood, sir.”
“Good. That is all for now. You’re dismissed.”
Clover and Pokey stood, saluted again, and left with no further comment for their commanding officer. Once out in the hallway, though, they began to discuss this latest information.
“So how big of a threat do you think this Lulamoon is?” Pokey asked.
“I don’t think she’s as bad as it seems,” Clover offered while they walked. “I mean, if she was, the Lieutenant would have had her hauled off by now. I think the main thing we need to watch for is any questionable actions or advice. I think we would have seen something by now, but we know we need to keep a closer eye on what she’s doing. Might be good to do some outside surveillance of her home and her after-hour activities, too.”
“Do you think we should talk to Corporal Quillpoint?” Pokey replied. “With his connections to Wysteria, he could watch that end of things and possibly give us some intel on what has been going on. I only worry he’d be hesitant to share what he thinks is private information.”
“I think it would be wise to advise him,” Clover replied with a smile. “But I also wouldn’t be surprised if he already is keeping a close watch on Miss Lulamoon. We are talking about his marefriend and his future foal.”
“I wonder if the Lieutenant took that into consideration.” Pokey gave a short laugh. “I’ll track him down and let him know what we’re doing, and I’ll get back with you on any intel he might have.”
“Sounds good. What about Private Tart? How should we handle that?”
“How did she do with you the last time?”
“Well enough, until that little Flint monster foalnapped the Prince. I had to dismiss her while we dealt with the aftermath of that. She’s pretty quick on the uptake, but she was cocky. I think a day of chasing Prince Bean around will be a good eye-opener for her.”
“Should we have her follow the Prince and Princess to their tea date?”
“Why not?” Clover replied before growing thoughtful. “In fact…”
Private Lemon Tart was bursting at the seams with pride as she strode down the hallway with Sergeants Pokey and Clover, and a smile threatened to break apart her regulation scowl at any moment. Here she was, still fresh out of training, and she was already being tasked with one of the most important positions in the entire palace. Sure, it could be argued that she would be guarding any and all royals in general, but this? This was the tip of the spear.
You couldn’t go any higher than Princess escort detail.
Oh, if only you could see me now, Mom! Not too bad for a filly out of Vanhoover! she inwardly cheered, and biting her tongue was the only thing that kept her from squealing in delight. All those sparring sessions in the gym, the flight camps, the late night study sessions, the endless pushing and running; everything she’d put herself through was paying off in spectacular fashion. She’d been told that it took years to work up to the inner circle that guarded Princess Celestia, and yet she had made the climb in mere weeks!
Or, she was on the cusp of doing so, at least. She was on provisional status at the moment, and her performance here would determine if she would be able to pursue her ambitious plans or if she would end up guarding a custodial closet in a forgotten hallway somewhere. Plus, she was being considered for Prince Bean’s personal detail, technically.
But guarding the Prince was the same as guarding the Princess, in her mind. The two of them were always together.
“Hold, Private,” Pokey instructed, and the new guard stopped. This junction right before the Princess and Prince’s personal chambers was the formal starting point for the Changing of the Guard, and she stood just a bit straighter. She had dreamed of being a part of this ceremony for as long as she could remember.
And for the first of what would hopefully be many times, Private Lemon Tart stepped off.
“Halt! Who goes there?!” the current sentinels called out.
Tart’s training served her well. She stopped in unison with her superiors, clicked her hooves together smartly, and she saluted the guards currently on duty beside the large door that led into the Princess of the Sun and her husband.
“Sergeant Hokey Pokey, Sergeant Clover Leaf, and Private Lemon Tart, reporting for duty,” Clover replied. “Pass on your orders.”
“Post and orders remain as directed.”
“Orders acknowledged. Well met and well fought; you have leave to retire.”
The steps of the relieved guards were as measured and precise as the new set that now replaced them, and Private Tart felt a wave of pride swell within her as she took up her position on the left of the doorway. Private Lemon Tart: Official Guard to His Highness, the Prince. The words set her skin to tingling.
With the lull that now settled in the hallway, Tart took a moment to review and to self-analyze her performance. She knew that Sergeants Pokey and Clover were tasked with seeing how she performed in this duty, and they could ask any number of questions that she should be able to answer on demand. Although her eyes continued to sweep the hallway, she mentally began to run through some of the potential answers that she might need.
“Sergeant, how was your evening with Bluebell?” Clover asked, and both Sergeants went from at attention to civilian casual.
“It went well, Clover. Really well. I’m really starting to think she’s the one, especially with how well we’ve been hitting it off lately.”
“Oh, you really think so? I didn’t think things were that serious between you two.”
Tart stiffened. This had to be some sort of test. There’s no way the two Sergeants would break regs so blatantly without it being a trap.
“Well, yeah, but I’m really thinking our relationship should be more. You don’t meet a mare like Bluebell just any old day. She’s special.”
“Well, if you take the plunge, I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks. How about you and Huff Duff? Is that going anywhere?”
“I wish it was; he keeps giving me mixed signals. First he’s interested, then he’s not; he wants to see other mares and then I’m the only one for him. I can’t make heads or tails out of his intent.”
“Really? And you’re still willing to date that mess?”
“I don’t know. When he’s sweet, life is wonderful. I just need to figure out how to avoid the lows. What do you think, Private? One mare to another. What should I do?”
Tart knew she had to answer her superior’s question, but she decided to avoid anything personal. “I’m not at liberty to say, Ma’am.”
“Sure you are,” Clover pressed. “C’mon. I could really use some help with this.”
“I’m not at liberty to say, ma’am.”
“Huh! Get a load of the newbie,” Clover scoffed while she turned back to Pokey. “‘Not at liberty to say,’ right. I bet she’s just jealous.”
Tart wanted to protest against the falsehood, but she remained calm, collected, and silent. A guard never spoke about personal affairs while on duty. She really wanted this post, and no insult-baited trap was going to stop her from obtaining her reward.
The doors to Princess Celestia’s chambers were suddenly enveloped in a golden glow, and all three guards came to the ready. Tart felt her heart beating wildly in anticipation, but on the outside she remained cool as a cucumber. She felt ready for anything that might come her way, and now it was time to prove it.
“Are you sure, love?” Prince Bean’s worried tones emitted from the slightly ajar door.
“Really, my Love,” Princess Celestia replied with a soothing voice. “We are hardly the first couple to be disappointed by the attempts of the evening. Sometimes the urge is just not there. It is nothing to be ashamed of.”
“But I really did want to—”
The Prince’s words were cut off when the door shut again, and Tart felt some confusion stir within her. Were the Prince and Princess having marital issues?
Her thoughts were interrupted by a low whistle from Sergeant Clover. “Wow. It’s worse than I thought. Wait’ll Gabby Gums hears about this juicy little tidbit!”
That one nearly got Tart to cry out in alarm. Was the Sergeant really selling royal gossip to the tabloids?! Did she have no sense of privacy and decency?!
“Yeah, no kidding!” Sergeant Pokey agreed. “They’ll pay through the nose for a scoop like that! This could be our biggest payout yet!”
The two Sergeants were spared a lecture from the Private by the timely arrival—and departure—of Prince Bean. Without any warning, the door to his room popped open, and he took off down the hallway in a dead run and while wearing Princess Celestia’s tiara. He attempted to slide around the corner, but he mistimed the approach and ricocheted off of a pillar before tearing down the hallway.
“BAKED BEAN! You get back here!” Celestia shouted in the Royal Voice, and she took off after him with a menacing snort and a slide around the corner that proved she had many years of practicing power slides within the palace.
“What? What is going on?!” Pokey exclaimed in fear. “She’s attacking the Prince!”
“What do we do, Private?!” Clover yelled, and Tart’s eyes went wide.
“What?! I don’t know!” she replied in confused alarm. “Why is she attacking him?!”
“We gotta do something, Private!” Pokey yelled back. “We can’t just stand here!”
Private Tart stammered for a moment as her panic stricken mind tried to formulate a solution. This had definitely not been covered in training yet. “I… we, should… we should pursue!”
“You heard her! Let’s move!” Pokey shouted, and the two Sergeants were off with a quick flap of their wings. Private Tart took off after them on her hooves, but then realized she had wings as well and went airborne with a mental admonishment for forgetting she could fly after her charge.
The three of them weaved through the hallways and followed the sound of Celestia’s golden shoes pounding on the marble floors. Tart’s breathing was coming in heavy bursts as her wings tore at the air, and her mind was reeling with possible reasons for Celestia’s sudden change in demeanor and how to protect Prince Bean from the Solar Princess. For a brief moment, she cursed at the fact that Princess Celestia was so fast, despite living a lifestyle that required very little physical exertion, but then she decided she was more interested in finding out what was in those cakes the Princess ate. There had to be some kind of magical protein mix in the chocolate slices for Celestia to have this kind of pursuit power.
Tart landed and skidded to a stop next to the Sergeants once they had chased the Princess into the throne room. Celestia was carefully surveying behind the throne, and she had a slight twitch in her eye as she sniffed at the air.
“I know you’re here somewhere, Bean,” she offered in a low growl and with a predatory smile. “You shouldn’t have used so much garlic in your spaghetti sauce last night. It will only take me a moment, and then…”
“You’ll never find me!” Bean called out, his voice echoing in the hall. Celestia glanced around quickly, and then she turned to the guards and pointed to Tart with a hoof.
“Private, come here,” she ordered, and Tart followed the command. Celestia then leaned in close, but her eyes continued to sweep the hall. “I’m going to leave,” she whispered, “but I want you to remain. When he emerges from his hiding spot, tackle him. Once you have him, I’ll take care of the rest. Understood?”
“Yes, Your Highness.”
“Good. Sergeants, you come with me. We’ll circle around to the staff entrance, just in case he’s trying to sneak out that way.”
Celestia and the Sergeants left without another sound, and Tart swallowed hard. What had she just agreed to?! Was she really going to assault Prince Bean? How had this spiraled out of control so quickly?
“She’s gone, right?” Bean’s voice emanated from somewhere, and Tart nodded.
“She’s gone, sir.”
“Okay. I’m going to sneak out the main doors. Go make sure nopony’s there, all right? I can make a clean break for it once I get into the hallway.”
“Why is she after you, sir?”
“No time to explain that, Private. Just go check the door.”
Tart then came to a decision, and she stood a bit straighter. “No, sir. I can’t do that.”
“What? I thought you were my guard. Just go make sure the hallway is clear, please?”
“No, sir. I have my orders.”
“Seriously?! What kind of treason is this?”
“It’s not treason, sir,” Tart replied with a note of exasperation in her voice. “Princess Celestia gave me a direct order, sir, and I’m not going to go against it.”
“Fine. I’m not going to come out then. Celestia can just spend the rest of the day searching for me.”
“Sir, really. Whatever it is that you’ve done, I’m sure it can be settled in a reasonable manner.”
“No way. You have no idea what she’s capable of. If she finds me, I’m never going to see the end of eeEEE!”
Bean was suddenly hauled out from behind a curtain by a golden magical field, and Celestia cackled with delight as she reclaimed her tiara from him.
“Thank you, Private. You kept him talking long enough for me to find him,” the Princess replied to the dumbfounded guard.
“Uh, you’re welcome, ma’am?” Tart replied. “What is going on?”
“Oh, this little tease thought it would be funny to see how my little ponies would react if I lost my tiara. He was trying to hide it from me.”
“Wait. You mean all of this is because of some dumb prank, ma’am?”
“It was a good prank,” Bean huffed while he folded his arms tightly. “And I was going to give it back.”
“I’m sure you were,” Celestia replied with a boop for him. “Now, no more funny business. We have a tea date to get to.”
“Fine, fine. But I still say it would be funny.”
“Perhaps another time, my love,” Celestia replied with a surge of her magic, and with a flash, the royalty disappeared from the room.
“Sergeant Pokey? What just happened?” Tart asked her superior while he approached her.
“Well, you just helped Her Highness catch His Highness,” Pokey replied. “Not bad, really. However, we need to get going.”
“Going, sir?”
“Yeah. We’re supposed to be guarding the Prince. We can’t do that if he’s in Ponyville and we’re here.”
“Oh, right. His Tuesday tea date,” Tart suddenly realized.
“Sergeant Clover should have a carriage ready for us to use. Let’s get going.”
“Carriage, sir?”
Private Lemon Tart was really beginning to question her decision-making abilities.
She had known from the start that being a guard to Prince Bean would involve pulling the royal carriage at some point. The idea of being one of those noble pegasi who conveyed the Princess to her various destinations had filled her dreams at night for years at a time, and the strong, proud, and dashing figure she would cut while doing so was the icing on the cake.
This, however, was nothing like what she had expected. Sergeant Clover had been sitting in the carriage when she and Sergeant Pokey had arrived, a newspaper in hoof, and she had ordered the both of them to haul her to Ponyville with a dismissive wave of her hoof. Once they had gotten hitched up and were airborne, Sergeant Pokey had decided that he was going to take a nap, and he was now nothing more than dead weight.
This left Private Tart as the sole horsepower for the flight, and the weight of everything was beginning to get to her. Sweat was beading on her forehead and burning down her ribs and flanks, and her wings felt like they were going to rip clean from her body with each flap. If she somehow lived through this, she was going to have a long conversation with Lieutenant Spear Point about her superior’s behavior and the possible hazing that she was being subjected to right now.
“Pokey!” Clover shouted. “Wake up, Sergeant! We’re almost there!”
“What?! Yes, I’ve been flying this whole time!” Pokey shouted immediately, and he rubbed his eyes with one hoof while his wings started pumping. Private Tart let out an audible sigh of relief as her load lightened, and she thanked whoever cared to be thanked when good things happened.
As soon as they had landed and had stopped, Tart quite nearly began kissing that glorious brown soil that was beneath her hooves.
“Well, that was fun, wasn’t it?” Clover asked while she began unhitching Tart. “Just imagine if it was the Prince and Princess in there, instead of me. The Princess alone has got to weigh a ton.”
“Please don’t tell me that, ma’am.” Tart stretched her legs and wings, and groaned as she felt the tendons stretching. “As far as I remember, the Princess has four pegasi pulling her carriage when she travels.”
“And what if three of them are incapacitated?” Clover asked. “Both Sergeant Pokey and I are ready and able, at any time, to pull that carriage with the royal couple by ourselves. Arduous as it may be, you need to be able to pull them to safety in case something happens.”
The reasoning was sound, but that didn’t help Tart’s inward grumbling. They could have warned her, at least.
“We’ll take up positions here, Private.” Clover continued. “Pokey will secure the rear. Their Highnesses usually take an hour for tea, and then they should be returning to Canterlot.”
“Are we going to be conveying them back to the Palace, ma’am?” Tart asked.
“Unknown. The Princess did just teleport here, so she may just teleport back as well.”
Tart did not vocalize her dismay, and with some considerable effort, she managed to keep from rolling her eyes as well.
“I got four contacts in the home, Clover,” Pokey called out. “Prince Bean and Discord are on the couch near the main window, Fluttershy is to Discord’s left in a chair, and Princess Celestia is on a sofa near the stairway. Harry just left the rear of the cottage and is moving in a south-southwest direction; no other ponies or animals are within fifty yards.”
“Very good. Maintain your post, Sergeant,” Clover called back. “All right. Private, since we have some time, let’s go over how things work out in the field. You have permission to speak freely and to ask any questions you may have, understood?”
“Yes, ma’am. Who has operational control at this moment?” Tart asked.
“For today, I do. Sergeant Pokey and I usually trade off with that.”
“Did I screw up earlier, when the Princess was chasing the Prince?”
“You did, yes.” Clover was blunt, but there was a note of sympathy in her words. “Your main failure was a breakdown of discipline. Rather than trying to figure out what to do, you should have asked Sergeant Pokey and myself what to do.”
Tart thought over that for a moment. “But you asked me what we should do.”
“Did you have operational control at that moment?”
“No, ma’am.” Tart replied in realization. “I did not.”
“The correct reply would have been to ask ‘orders, ma’am.’ Pokey and I wouldn’t be Sergeants if we truly had not known what to do at that point. As guards to Their Highnesses, we have to prepare for every contingency, and that includes the Princess and the Prince having a fight.”
“Oh. So, what would we have done if I had followed proper procedure?”
“We would have protected the Prince,” Clover replied matter-of-factly. “But we would not have engaged in that instance. The other thing you will need to learn is when Their Highnesses are just playing and when they’re serious.”
Tart said nothing more, and she took the opportunity to berate herself for falling apart so easily and so badly. At that moment, she was sure they were going to stick her in some forgotten part of the palace to rot, if she didn’t just get sacked and sent packing outright. She felt like an idiot for allowing her panic to overwhelm her.
“You’re not the first Private to panic in a situation like that, for the record,” Clover offered. “That’s why we do this. We want you to remain calm and collected under the most intense of circumstances, and we’ll get you there.”
“Why haven’t I been told about any of this yet?” Tart asked. “A.T.C. hasn’t covered anything on these things.”
“A.T.C. is for flight maneuvers and assault combat. Guarding the Princess is a whole other program, and it always starts with a panic situation. Now we know we need to work on your discipline.”
“I’m gonna get drummed out, aren’t I, ma’am?” Tart asked, but she hesitated when she saw Celestia’s ears flick towards the window. Had she heard them?
“That will be up to the Lieutenant, Private. Personally, I think you will remain, but you’re not going to get onto Princess detail as soon as you’d like now.”
Tart sighed. “That does seem fair, ma’am. I guess I… pegasus contact inbound, ma’am, to your high three!”
“Hm?” Clover casually glanced over towards where Private Tart was pointing. “Oh, her. At ease, Private. That’s just Rainbow Dash, she has clearance to be here.”
The two guards watched as Rainbow Dash lazily approached, her wings flapping just enough to keep her airborne. Clover then smirked a bit when Rainbow caught a nearby cloud that had been floating idly by, fluffed it up slightly, and then promptly collapsed on it and began to sleep.
“What is she doing, ma’am?” Tart asked.
“Having a nap, it would seem. She likes to come out this way to do so.”
“Oh.”
“She still doesn’t fully trust Discord, either, so she usually isn’t too far away during these tea dates. Pokey and I believe this is an attempt to ‘guard’ her friend Fluttershy. Don’t ever let me catch you napping on the job, Private, and that’s an order.”
“Understood, ma’am. That won’t be a problem.”
Private Tart was inconsolable for the rest of the tea appointment, but she was able to take her mind off of her misery when it came time to return to Canterlot and she had to pull the carriage by herself again. Sergeant Clover was again reading her newspaper, despite being strapped into the harness this time, and Sergeant Pokey enjoyed his turn by waving to non-existent crowds and declaring himself to be ‘the best pony princess that had ever been.’ A quick lunch was then consumed upon arriving at the palace, and the three of them were a few minutes early to their assigned posts in the throne room for day court. Tart wasn’t sure why she was allowed to continue with her assignment, but she decided to enjoy what little time remained to her before the Lieutenant banished her to guard duty on the moon.
At thirteen hundred hours precisely, Prince Bean and Princess Celestia walked into the throne room, with Sergeant Pepper and Miss Trixie Lulamoon following closely behind them. It appeared that Miss Trixie had done something to irk Her Highness, given the death glare that the Princess was now trying to give over her shoulder to the new secretary.
“Trixie really is sorry, Your Highness. I was sure the schedule said twelve thirty.”
“Just don’t let it happen again, Miss Lulamoon,” Celestia tersely replied. “That was… unpleasant, to say the least. I do not wish to deal with that again.”
Trixie’s nose nearly touched the ground. “I didn’t think it was that bad,” she muttered to her reflection.
“Well, we shall leave it in the past and move forward,” Celestia offered while she and Bean settled into the throne. “Let us begin day court now, and we’ll discuss this with Miss Inkwell when she returns.”
Tart felt a twinge of relief and sympathy. At least she wasn’t the only one who was having a miserable day.
“Sergeant Pepper, will you send in the first petitioner?”
Tart watched her comrade in arms as he saluted and moved to the main doors. With any luck, court would pass quickly and without any troubles, and she could get on with her dismissal. She hated it when things were unnecessarily dragged out.
Just as Sergeant Pepper began to reach for the double doors, they slammed open and sent the hapless guard careening back towards the Throne. Tart’s heart began to pound again while she rushed to protect her charge, and she was beyond sure that she was just not cut out for this kind of thing at this point.
“Sweet Celestia above, what is that?!” somepony shouted. The guards quickly formed a defensive line in front of the attacker, and Tart was able to get a good look at the abomination that had dared to assault the throne room.
In form, it looked like an alicorn, but twisted and corrupted beyond anything that should exist in the natural world. The whole of it seemed to be made up of nothing more than the inky shadows of nightfall, except for the two burning white eyes that were quickly assessing the threats before it. It didn’t take long to figure out what this blackened horror was, but it was Prince Bean who managed to verbalize its name.
“It’s the Pony of Shadows!”
An evil, reverberating cackle shook the room and threatened to knock over the assembled guards, but all managed to hold their ground. “So nice to see that I’ve been remembered! Now, I do believe I have some unfinished business with Princess Celestia and her abysmal light, if you don’t mind.”
A golden beam of magic struck the Shadow square in his chest, and he recoiled while letting out a shout of pain. Celestia then landed behind her guards, her horn still glowing and ready to attack again, and she stood proudly before her foe.
“I will not be silenced without a fight!” she shouted. “I will see your villany at an end this day!”
The Shadow roared again, and two tendrils swept out from his sides. Tart managed to leap backwards and out of the way of the onslaught by mere inches, but the rest of her comrades were not so fortunate. Golden armor clattered and banged against marble, and despite another blast from Celestia, the Shadow seemed to remain unharmed and undeterred.
“A nice trick, Princess,” he snarled, “but worthless now. I know how to counter your spells, and I will not fail this time!”
“Private!” Pokey called out to Tart while he got himself upright. “Get the Prince out of here!”
A black beam of magic surged down from the Shadow’s horn and towards Celestia, and she countered it with her own stream of magic. The two seemed to be evenly matched, but then Tart watched in horror as the Shadow began to win.
Another set of midnight tendrils struck out and prevented the guards from gaining their footing for another attack, and Tart suddenly realized that she was the only guard who could intervene. If she could distract the Shadow somehow, that might be enough to allow Celestia to gain the upper hoof and to defeat him. Without that, Celestia would most likely be struck down.
But then she would be leaving her charge, and she had been ordered to get Prince Bean to safety. In the milliseconds she had to ponder the choices before her, she realized that she could either try to assist the Princess or save the Prince.
And at the last possible moment, she made her decision.
“Move!” she ordered the Prince, and she gave him a violent shove towards the staff exit with the assistance of her wings. She refused to look back as she heard Celestia cry out in pain, nor did she relent as Prince Bean pushed back against her and ordered her to release him so he could aid his wife. She simply kept flapping her wings and pushing, and she refused to let anything else matter.
“You killed her! You killed her!” Bean shouted in anguish, but that didn’t stop Tart.
“I’m sure I did, sir, and you can have my head later! I need to get you to safety right now!”
“No! Let me go! Maybe there’s still a chance I can save her!”
“No can do, sir!” Tart closed her eyes and put everything she had into pushing the resisting weight that was the Prince down the hallway. “I have to follow my orders!”
A sudden flash of golden magic still wasn’t enough to stop Private Tart, but being enveloped in a magic field was. She didn’t realize she wasn’t moving or pushing the Prince anymore for a moment, but once she opened her eyes she realized what was happening.
“Good job, Private,” Lieutenant Spear Point offered. “You saved the Prince.”
“I did, sir?” Tart replied. It took her a moment to realize that the Princess and the Lieutenant had appeared out of nowhere on her.
“You did,” Princess Celestia replied warmly. “And for that, you have my thanks.”
“Hey, that was pretty fun,” Bean chuckled with a quick nuzzle for his wife. “We should help out with these things more often.”
“Indeed, yes,” Celestia agreed while she gently put the Private down. “I especially liked how you reacted when you thought I was in trouble.”
“That was no act, my Love. I’d really do that.”
“I have no doubt about that,” Celestia replied with a quick boop for him. “But we should really get day court started for real now. Lieutenant, is there anything else you need from us?”
“Not right now, Your Highness,” Spear Point replied while Tart’s head began to swim. “But I will need you to attend the debriefing later this afternoon.”
“That shouldn’t be a problem. Now, if you’ll excuse us.”
“Sister!” Luna shouted from the throne room doorway with a gleeful and eager expression. “How was that? Was it convincing enough?”
“It was perfect, Luna!” Celestia shouted back with a laugh. “I almost thought he was real!”
“Shadows are always a bit tricky to deal with; a little like clouds in a way,” Luna offered. “Nothing at all like the Nightmare, though. If you are firm, they will follow orders.”
“Private Tart, return to your post.” Lieutenant Spear Point’s voice broke through Private Tart’s walls of confusion. “We will discuss your performance this afternoon. Carry on.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Come in, Private.”
Private Lemon Tart pushed open the door to the Lieutenant’s office, and what little courage she had scraped together was dashed into a million pieces when she saw Princess Celestia in the office with him. Despite the end of her career staring her in the face, Tart still snapped to attention and saluted her superiors once she had entered.
“Private Lemon Tart, reporting in as requested, sir.”
“At ease, Private. Have a seat,” Spear Point replied while he looked over some papers in his magic. “I’m sure you know why you’re here.”
“To discuss my performance today, sir.”
“So what do you think I am going to say?” The Lieutenant dropped the papers to his desk and met Tart’s gaze.
“That my performance was not acceptable, sir.”
Spear Point steepled his hooves together and rested his chin on them. “Private, why did you not follow the orders of Prince Bean? He gave you a direct command to release him.”
“Well, sir, I am his guard. With the rest of his detail unable to protect him, it fell to me to follow orders and to negate any harm that might come to him. I could not defeat the Shadow on my own, so the best course of action was to physically remove him from the situation.”
“Even though it appeared that Princess Celestia was about to be destroyed?”
“I won’t lie, sir. I quite nearly intervened in the Princess’ battle. But I felt that I needed to follow my orders, in the end.”
“Interesting. Private, I’ll lay out what we’re looking at here. Every now and then, we get a Private who, like yourself, is exceptional. They score well on the testing, they learn the maneuvers quickly, and they are able to advance with ease. However, experience has shown that these sorts of soldiers can be given too much too fast, and in a crisis, they break like an improperly forged sword. Everything you’ve gone through today was a test, to see how you react to real-world situations.
Now, your conduct this morning could fall under Article Ninety-Two, if I wanted to try and press the issue. You usurped command from your superior officers, and you allowed the events of the moment to overwhelm your better judgement. However, your devotion to orders, despite a direct command by the Prince to the contrary, is commendable. Most new guards in your situation would have assisted the Princess and left the Prince to fend for himself. It would seem you learned from the failure of this morning, and you adapted well.”
“Thank you, sir.” Tart could almost dare to hope that she might get that abandoned hallway post, based on his tone.
“I’ve talked the situation over with the Princess, and the conclusion is that, while you may not be ready to be posted to the Prince, you can be entrusted with another important assignment while your training continues.”
“Sir?”
“Private, have you had the opportunity to meet Miss Trixie Lulamoon yet?”
Private Tart was nearly humming with delight.
She was still a guard, despite the mistakes of the day, and she was still being entrusted with guarding a very important pony. For the next month, she would be in training with Sergeants Clover and Pokey, and when she was finished, she would be the primary guard to Miss Trixie Lulamoon, assistant secretary to Princess Celestia.
Was it as glamorous as guarding a royal? No, and she wouldn’t pretend that it was. But it was a start, it was a fairly high profile assignment, and she would be associating with those who did guard the Prince and Princess.
It was far better than she could have hoped for.
There were just a few minutes left in the shift, and once she had been relieved, the Sergeants had offered to buy her a drink at the Phoenix Fire, and to discuss her new training regime. She was ready to be done with the day and to relax, and a night out with her fellow guards sounded like the perfect way to unwind.
Her thoughts were suppressed and a sharp salute was again offered when Princess Celestia and Prince Bean rounded the corner. They were chatting about their plans for tomorrow, and Miss Trixie was tailing behind them and trying to take notes while she walked. Private Tart watched her future ward, and she held a smile in reserve for what the future would bring for the both of them. From what she had heard, Miss Trixie was brash, unapologetic, and eager to speak in the third pony, for some odd reason. Tart knew that nearly everypony in the Guard saw her as a liability, and if she was to be honest, she felt that way about Trixie as well.
It was going to be terribly wonderful.
“Private?” Celestia called out while her husband and Trixie entered the bedroom. “May I have a moment?”
“Of course, Your Highness.” Tart dipped her head low. “What can I do for you?”
“I wanted to thank you for what you did, Private,” Celestia offered. “It’s no secret that I love my Baked Bean more than words can adequately express, and I really don’t know what I would do if something were to happen to him. I am most grateful that ponies like yourself have stepped up and are willing to sacrifice your own safety to ensure that those who are around you are protected. The dedication that you, Sergeant Clover, and Sergeant Pokey give to your assignment is noticed and appreciated.”
“Thank you, Your Highness. It is my honor to be given the opportunity to do so.”
“Carry on then, Private, and good luck with your training. I shall be watching your career with great interest.”
Private Tart saluted again, and Celestia nodded with a smile before moving into her chambers. The Princess’ words had given her an amazing boost, and she was ready now to go wrestle two hydras by herself, with enough energy for the odd manticore that might show up to see what was going on.
“Halt! Who goes there?!” Sergeant Clover called out, and Tart felt her chest puff out slightly as the relief guards saluted.
“Corporal Tallgrass and Sergeant Stalwart Grey, reporting for duty. Pass on your orders.”
“Post and orders remain as directed,” Clover announced.
“Orders acknowledged. Well met and well fought; you have leave to retire.”
The steps of the relieved guards were as measured and precise as the new set that now replaced them, and Private Tart felt a fresh wave of pride swell within her as she marched away. The day had been well met, and well fought.
But she was far from retiring, and a small smile emerged. The battle would yet rage on, and she was ready to emerge victorious.
“Mom, have you seen my saddlebags?” Lentil cried out. “I can’t find them anywhere!”
“They’re down here by the front door, right where you left them last night!” Cannellini shouted up the stairs. “Now get down here; they’re going to be arriving any minute!”
Lentil paused in front of her vanity mirror, fussed with her mane, and giggled. One month ago, on a bit of a whim, she had sent a letter to her cousin and his wife to see if they might be interested in visiting the Rainbow Falls Trader’s Exchange with her. She had not expected them to accept, given their busy schedules, but then to her delighted shock a return letter had come stating that they would be honored to accompany her.
Given the fact that cousin Baked just happened to be married to Lentil’s long-time Princess idol, this news caused a chain reaction of squeals that took several hours to abate. Even now, the desire to prance about in place was strong, but she had to resist.
Lentil had alternated between delighted and terrified in the time between then and now. While she could hardly imagine anything better than spending a day with Princess Celestia—and hanging out with Baked was always fun—she worried that she might say something or do something that would embarrass the Princess or make her uncomfortable. This was the Daytime Diarch of Equestria, and she wanted every moment to be perfect.
“She’s family now, so I need to play it cool,” she told her reflection. Sadly, this brought out the opposite effect because, once again, it brought up the fact that Princess Celestia was now part of her family!
“No! Seriously! Cool. It. Girl,” she told her bouncy reflection, while she took her brush—which just happened to have an iconic sun emblazoned on it— to her strawberry blonde mane.
“El! Come on! The first few guards are starting to arrive!”
Lentil grunted, brushed her mane furiously for ten seconds, then she thundered down the stairs like a buffalo who had spotted a fresh apple pie. Through the front window, she could see a pair of armored pegasus guards had taken up positions across the street, and her heart leapt into her throat.
They were coming.
“C’mere, let me see you,” Canneilli admonished, as she took Lentil’s red rimmed glasses in her hooves and began wiping them on her coat. “Now, remember, stand up straight. Look them in the eye. Be sure you call them ‘Prince’ and ‘Princess,’ and that you use ‘Your Highness.’ Don’t speak unless spoken to. Be polite, and make sure you—”
“Mom, I got it,” Lentil groaned, snatching her thick framed eyewear back and putting them on again. “I’ll be good, don’t worry.”
Canneilli smiled and straightened her daughter’s glasses with a smile. “I know you will. Most of all, make sure you have fun, okay?”
“That’s easy. I can do that.”
“Good. Did you eat breakfast? Please tell me you ate.”
An authoritative knock on the door prevented Lentil’s answer; she was too busy sprinting over to answer. She did take a moment to calm herself with a deep breath, and she smiled broadly while she opened the door.
“Baroness Lentil!” Prince Bean proclaimed with great joy. “So good to see you again!”
“It’s good to see you too, Bak—er, I mean, Your Highness.”
Baked Bean smiled a bit deeper. “On behalf of Her Most Royal Highness, the Princess Celestia, and His Trying To Be Royal Highness, Prince Baked Bean—who just so happens to be myself—it is my most welcome duty at this point to convey you to one Trader’s Exchange, being held at Rainbow Falls, where aforementioned Princess and Prince will be your guests for the day, provided you are still amiable to their company. Is this agreeable to you?”
Lentil glanced past her cousin and to the carriage, and her heart pounded even harder when Princess Celestia herself smiled and waved to her. She then turned her attention back to Baked and his playful smile, and she dipped her head to him.
“I would be honored if The Princess and The Yourself would accompany me, please,” she replied before glancing up to him. “Is that a good way to reply?”
“Works for me,” Baked replied with a small laugh and a shrug of his shoulders. “I just made up that introduction, after all. Shall we?”
“Yeah, I’m ready.”
“Saddlebags!” Canneilli yelped, and she quickly tossed them onto her daughter’s back. “Honestly, child, you’d lose your head—”
“—if it wasn’t attached to my neck, I know.” Lentil’s deadpan words overlapped her mother’s. “Can I go now, please?”
“Go on, scoot.” Canneilli laughed. “Just be prepared to give us a full report when you get home!”
“I will, I will.”
“Shall we?” Baked asked with a sweeping motion back to the awaiting carriage. Lentil giggled a bit, and she eagerly trotted with him down the walkway to the Princess. Celestia seemed to be both pleased and eager to talk to her, but Lentil remembered her manners and bowed before speaking.
“Your Highness, thank you for accepting my invitation today and for taking the time out of your busy schedule to do so.”
“It is entirely my pleasure, Baroness,” Celestia replied while Bean stepped up and in, and Lentil couldn’t restrain her squeal of delight.
“She called me Baroness! Oh my gosh!”
“Come on up, El.” Baked reached down with a hoof from the carriage. “We’re ready if you are.”
Lentil took the offered hoof, and Bean gently guided her to sit next to the Princess before sitting himself on the opposing side of the carriage, facing them. Though it was a bit tight with all three of them, it was still comfortable, and Lentil had to focus on the mechanics of breathing to keep from hyperventilating.
“Baked! I’m sitting next to Princess Celestia!”
“It’s pretty cool, isn’t it?” he replied. “You should try talking to her next. She’s quite the conversationalist.”
“Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry, Princess!” Lentil replied in horror. “I didn’t mean to ignore you!”
“No need for apologies, Baroness,” Celestia replied with a reassuring smile. “No harm was done. You may wish to hold on, though.”
Lentil braced, then shrieked in delight while the carriage rose into the sky and gently banked towards Rainbow Falls. Once they had leveled out, Lentil took a moment to peer over the edge and back towards the rapidly shrinking Salt Lick before composing herself and turning her attention to the Princess.
“Thank you so, so much for coming with me today. I know you and Baked—er, the Prince—are very busy with your duties. It means a lot to me that you would take the time to do so.”
“The pleasure is all ours, Baroness,” Celestia replied with a warm smile. “And I thank you for the invitation. I always enjoy traveling with my family.”
Lentil nearly melted in joy. Oh my gosh, she said it first! SHE. Said. It. FIRST! “Family, really?”
“Prince Bean has given me many wonderful gifts by marrying me, and one of the best is his family. For a thousand years I was forced to be alone, but now I have my sister, nephews, nieces, cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. I am quite happy to forget that I should add ‘in-law’ to any of my new relations, and I see you as a dear cousin, just like Bean does.”
Lentil could only giggle in joy for a reply to that.
“What did you bring to swap, El?” Baked asked. “I hope you managed to swipe that ridiculous leg lamp Uncle Budge has.”
“He actually hid it so I couldn’t do that, even though Mom suggested it,” Lentil replied before she shifted her voice to take on a deeper, fatherly tone. “‘It’s my major award, and I won’t let you vultures take off with it,’ he said. I’m really surprised it hasn’t been broken yet.”
“Your father has a lamp made out of a leg?” Celestia had to ask.
“Well, one that looks like a leg. He won it in some crossword puzzle contest, I think. Mom has hated it from the moment it arrived, and she’s been trying to get rid of it ever since.”
“Well, maybe I shall ask him to show me this legendary lamp when we visit next,” Celestia replied with a sly grin.
“Oh, there’s no way he would let you see it. He’d be so embarrassed. I think he’d rather throw it out… oh.” Realization dawned on Lentil, and she mirrored Celestia’s devious grin. “You know, I had heard you could be mischievous at times, but I always had a hard time believing it.”
“I find a hint of impishness helps my little ponies to feel at ease around me, and I hope you feel so with us today.”
“I’m pretty sure I will. I actually brought a bird whistle to swap, but I have no idea what I want to get. I think I’ll just need to be flexible. What did you bring?”
Baked chuckled a little before he replied. “I actually stopped at the Zurest and grabbed one of my old ladles to swap. I’m just gonna see what I can get for it.”
“How about you, Princess?”
“I elected not to bring anything,” Celestia replied with a bit of a sigh. “I fear that whatever item I select would be declared a national treasure and I would be unable to gain a fair trade for it. I did seriously consider bringing a rather hideous tapestry that’s been infesting the palace ever since Broad Stroke had his ‘grand epiphany,’ though.”
“Oh. I didn’t think about that,” Lentil replied with a bit of sadness. It didn’t seem like the Princess was going to have much fun.
“I am curious to see how my Bean fares with his bargaining, however, and I would love to help you find something for your bird whistle as well. This day will be most wonderful, of that I am sure.”
“Have you been to the Trader’s Exchange before, Princess?”
“A few times. Each year, the exchange has a Princess to ensure all trades are fair and that nopony takes advantage of another.”
“Oh. So, you’ve been to a lot of them.”
Celestia nodded and chuckled. “One or two. However, I believe my former student will be in charge for today’s events, unless I am mistaken.”
“Wait.” Lentil put a hoof to her chest, and took a few deep breaths. “Princess Twilight will be there?!”
“And her friends too, I believe. Is that a problem?”
Lentil felt like she might explode from a nervous excitement that was comparable to when Celestia had invited her to assist with the meal at the family reunion. She had explained that after Celestia, the Elements of Harmony were her favorite ponies in the whole of Equestria. She had followed their published exploits with great devotion, but she had been far too nervous and overwhelmed to introduce herself to them at the wedding. Celestia had then suggested that arrangements could be made for Lentil to meet her heroines, which had set off the latest round of ‘oh my gosh’ and a large buildup of panicked glee.
“El, relax.” Baked patted her withers with a hoof. “You’re not going to have any fun if you pass out. You need to breathe.”
“Breathe. Right. I can breathe, I’m very good at breathing.”
“Was I this bad when I met you?” Bean asked Celestia.
“She is actually faring better,” she shot back with a grin. “You tried to run away, after all.”
“Touché.” Bean playfully rolled his eyes at her. “So, where should we begin?”
“I believe we should make a general announcement,” Celestia replied while looking over the crowd and the booths. “There may be some confusion among the traders if we do not clarify that I am here as a guest. I do not wish to diminish Princess Twilight’s authority here, nor do I wish to complicate matters. Once we have made that clear, I believe we can begin trading.”
“Hey, everypony! Look!” A pony cried out. “It’s Princess Celestia!”
A wave of ponies then flooded their position, and Celestia offered a few quick greetings before holding up a hoof to silence the crowd. “My little ponies, thank you for your warm welcome. It is my pleasure to be here today, but I am not here in my official role as Princess.”
“You’re not?” A blue unicorn near the front asked.
“No. I am here at the invitation and as a guest of Baroness Lentil—”
“...ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh…”
“—and my husband and I will be participating in the Exchange with all of you. Thus, please remember that Princess Twilight Sparkle is the official Princess delegate for today, and all concerns or questions should be addressed to her, not to us. Now, I don’t know about all of you, but I believe I would like to do some trading! Who’s with me?!”
A cheer went up from the crowd, which then settled into a buzz of excited chatter. Princess Celestia, here to trade? This was going to be an unforgettable Exchange for sure.
An excited pegasus then quickly flew in and hovered over the crowd. “Princess Twilight just arrived at the station!”
The crowd quickly moved back to the main entrance for the exchange, and the three Royals followed at the rear. Lentil was close to getting her breathing back to normal, and she smiled a bit when Baked gave her another friendly pat.
“Do you ever get used to all of the attention?” she asked.
“Celestia keeps telling me yes, but so far, no.” He laughed. “Just smile and take deep breaths whenever you feel overwhelmed. Once everypony gets over the initial excitement of our presence, they’ll go back to trading. We may get a few requests for autographs, but other than that things should be pretty normal.”
“I hope so. I mean, being the center of attention is going to suck the fun out of today.”
“Don’t worry about that. Celestia causes a stir wherever she goes, but it’ll die down and we’ll have fun.”
“And if it doesn’t?”
“If we get desperate, you and me will ditch her and go make our own fun.”
“I heard that,” Celestia offered with a sly smile, and Baked scoffed.
“You’d be the one issuing the order for us to leave.”
“I would,” she agreed with a light laugh. “But I doubt we will need to resort to such drastic measures.”
“It’s Princess Twilight!” a pony shouted.
A large cheer again broke out, confetti and streamers drifted onto Twilight and her friends, and a huge banner with Twilight’s likeness was unfurled. Cries of “she’s so awesome!” and “I can’t believe it’s really her!” could be heard over the crowd, and Lentil felt a twinge of sympathy and relief as Twilight waved and smiled nervously.
“See?” Baked said over the roar of the crowd. “Nothing to worry about.”
~*~
“Princess Celestia!” Twilight called out with joy before she and her friends bowed. “I didn’t know you would be here.”
“Hello Twilight, and to you all,” Celestia replied warmly, and she draped a wing over Lentil. “It’s a pleasure to see you all again. I am here as a guest of Baroness Lentil, and I am looking forward to doing some trading.”
“Oh, I remember you!” Twilight replied with a smile. “You’re Prince Bean’s cousin, right?”
“Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!” Lentil replied. “It is such an honor to meet you all! I mean, I know we were introduced at the wedding, but I didn’t get a chance to really meet all of you, and oh my gosh! I don’t even know how to say how awesome it is to really meet you!”
“Well, let’s make this formal, then.” Baked interjected. “Princess Twilight, allow me to introduce you to Baroness Lentil Bean, daughter of Cannellini Bean and Balanced Budget. El, this is Princess Twilight Sparkle, and—”
“Baked, I know who they are,” Lentil replied with a bit of a huff.
“Go say ‘hello,’ then.” Bean gave her a shove towards Rainbow Dash. “We haven’t got all day. I’m sure the Element Bearers have some trading to do, too.”
Lentil took a moment to share a few words with each of the Element Bearers while they walked further into the swap, but as she did so Twilight broke away and approached her former teacher.
“Princess Celestia, I’m glad to see you here, but does this mean you will be in charge of the Exchange?”
“No, Twilight,” Celestia replied with a gentle shake of her head. “You are in charge here, not me. Any decisions on the fairness of a trade will need to go through you.”
“Well, that’ll never happen. A trade can’t occur unless both ponies get something they want, so it shouldn’t be a problem.”
“Indeed. I doubt that any issues will be encountered, but if one should happen I trust your judgement, and I will not interfere. Please, enjoy yourself, and proceed with your day as if I was not here. There is no reason for you to change anything you had planned.”
“Right. Thank you, Princess,” Twilight replied with a smile.
~*~
“So, where should we start?” Celestia asked. “Perhaps we should see about your bird whistle, Lentil?”
“We could, I guess,” she shrugged. “But I still don’t know what I want for it. Why don’t we try to get something for Baked’s ladle?”
“Too late,” Baked proudly announced. “I swapped it already.”
“You did?” Lentil verbalized the question both mares shared. “For what?”
“Well, it wasn’t easy. The stallion wanted to give me everything he had for it, but I insisted that wasn’t fair. So, we haggled a bit and I got this lovely pillow instead.”
“That has got to be the ugliest pillow I’ve ever seen,” Lentil pronounced. “It looks like split pea soup.”
“Well, I’m gonna try to trade it over there for a pineapple,” Bean remarked. “Then maybe I can use that to get one of those chalices over there.”
“And then what?”
“I dunno. Maybe I can trade for a cake for lunch.”
“Oo, I’d like that,” Lentil added. “A nice blueberry cake, maybe. Or some muffins.”
“I bet you could trade your whistle for a muffin, if you wanted. That seems about equal to me.”
“I dunno. Mom gave me some bits for lunch, too. I’m pretty sure I can find somepony who will trade for those.”
“I would recommend the oatburgers,” Celestia offered. “I have always found them to be quite delicious.”
Lentil sniffed at the air, then glanced around. “Hmm. There is something here that smells good.”
“It’s up to you, El,” Bean replied. “And don’t worry about the cost. I’ll cover it for you.”
“Isn’t that a misappropriation of funds, or something like that?”
“Nah, the Princess and I have a personal account that we use to buy stuff when we travel. There’s a pony in the Exchequer’s office who does nothing but maintain that account, all day, every day.”
“That’s gotta be boring.”
“Two Bits is actually kept pretty busy, if I understand how it works properly. He invests a portion of the funds in the account into various revenue-building ventures, and then the profits are kept and reinvested. That way, we don’t have to dip into tax revenues for personal expenses.”
“Really? That’s how it works?”
“It is,” Celestia replied, “but that is the simplified version.”
“Hey, El! Check that out!” Bean pointed over towards a tent. “They’ve got a bunch of pots and pans over there.”
“They do?” Lentil replied with wide eyes and a grin. “Do you think they have any Balefire stockpots?”
“I’ll trade them whatever they want if they do,” Baked replied with a grin.
“I take it this particular brand of pot is valuable?” Celestia asked.
“They last forever!” Lentil eagerly replied while they walked over. “Baked has told you about the legend of the First Bean, right? Well, the rumor is that whoever he was used Balefire cookware in the cookoff with your challenger. I’ve heard of some other chefs who have passed down their pans for the last fifteen generations, and some say they’ve gone even longer. Uncle Garbanzo has a set somewhere, doesn’t he?”
“He does, but he never uses them. There’s a little shrine set up in the office of the Zuerst with the set as the centerpiece, and every now and then he sacrifices a ripe zucchini to them for good luck and even better tips.”
“Well, let us see what they have, then,” Celestia replied with a light laugh.
~*~
“Thanks again for buying lunch for me, Baked,” Lentil offered while they unpacked their food at a table. “Can I repay you somehow?”
“Nah, don’t worry about it,” Baked scoffed with a wave of his hoof. “It’s my gift to you.”
“Shame they didn’t have any good pots or pans,” Lentil continued while she took a quick sniff of her oatburger. “I’m not sure why anypony would want any of their rusty old stuff.”
“Well, there is some vintage charm in them, I suppose,” Baked replied with a sniff of his own burger. “I’m sure they’ll get somepony to trade for their stuff.”
“Yeah, probably. This smells a bit off, doesn’t it?”
Baked nodded. “It does, slightly, but fried foods in busy locations like this always smell funny. They never have time to clean the grill between orders.”
“Barbarians,” sniffed Lentil before touching the tip of her tongue to the patty. “Huh. Oats, salt, and… hah.”
“Lentil beans?” Baked offered with a bob of his eyebrows.
“Always amusing when I find my namesake in something,” Lentil took a bite and chewed thoughtfully. “Hmm. This is all right, I suppose. Maybe need to dial back on the salt some. What do you think, Baked?”
“I’d maybe add a bit more spice, I think,” Baked replied while chewing. “Oregano, maybe.”
“You put oregano in everything,” Lentil scoffed. “You really need to broaden your horizons.”
“Oh ho, fine then,” he retorted with a playful smile. “What would you change?”
“Cut back on the oats, for starters,” Lentil spoke her thoughts. “This is an oatburger in the literal sense. Maybe a dash of paprika, for some kick. I always like my food to let me know it’s not going down without a fight.”
“You carnivore,” Baked chuckled. “Next you’ll want it to scream on the way down.”
“No, no. But c’mon, just a little pop is nice, you gotta admit. Here, look,” Lentil reached back and pulled a small shaker out of her saddlebags, and she sprinkled some paprika on his patty. “Try it out.”
“You brought seasonings with you?” Baked replied with a curious look.
“Well, yeah. You never know when inspiration will hit. Don’t you carry seasonings with you?”
“No, I never did. Maybe that’s why I failed as a chef.”
“You didn’t fail,” Lentil replied with a sympathetic pat of his hoof. She’d forgotten how sensitive he could be about his lack of skill. “You just did things differently.”
Bean scoffed before taking a bite. “Yeah, like ‘marry a princess’ differently. You know, this could maybe stand a little thyme, too. Do you have some?”
“Yeah, hang on.” It took just a moment for Lentil to produce the spice, and Baked measured out an exact pinch into his hooves before sprinkling it onto his patty.
“There. Try that,” Baked offered. Lentil took a small nibble, and for a moment, she said nothing.
“Better. You know, I think I’d maybe add some wild rice flour to this, too. That might make for a nice balance, you know. Even things out a bit.”
“I dunno about that. Rice can overwhelm everything with how plain it is, so you’d need to add some heavy spices just to gain a hint of flavor.”
Celestia then settled down next to them, and she smiled in an apologetic way while she unpacked her food. “I apologize for taking so long. The line was moving slower than I thought it would.”
“That’s all right, Princess. We haven’t really started yet, and…”
Lentil trailed off and suppressed a gasp of horror as Celestia snagged the nearby bottle of generic ketchup and promptly drenched the poor, innocent oatburger patty with a massive glob of redness. As if she had no idea what terrible crime against food she had just committed, Celestia then took one gloriously messy bite of the vandalized oatburger and chewed with obscene pleasure.
“Augh!” Baked proclaimed in agony with one hoof clutched to his chest. “You didn’t tell me you were going to kill it!”
“What? How can you kill an inanimate object?” Celestia asked with little flecks of oatburger carnage escaping from between her royal lips, but then she noticed Lentil’s matching look of abject horror and she swallowed hard. “And why do I suddenly feel like I have done so?”
“Ketchup is the ultimate disgrace a tomato can face,” Lentil replied slowly. “It is an unholy abomination, spawned from the depths of Blandness⁽*⁾ to cover the multitudinous sins one has committed while cooking; a horrific attempt to hide the fact that one does not know how to properly prepare food or that one has no taste buds. I might as well go eat the bark straight off a tree.” (*) A subsection of Tartarus. Seriously, do not eat at the cafeteria there. —
“I had no idea the humble tomato concealed such dark powers,” Celestia replied with a small laugh.
“Oh, the tomato by itself is fine,” Lentil continued. “Dad makes a lovely mushroom, lettuce and tomato sandwich. There’s really nothing quite like it, especially when the mushrooms are lean and crisp, and the tomatoes are ripe and perky.” She smacked her lips in approval. “Really, there’s nothing better. But ketchup is like you killed the poor thing, then brought it back from the dead with unholy rituals involving high fructose corn syrup, vinegar, and salt. If there’s such a thing as tomato necromancy, then ketchup is the end result.”
“I shall have to be more judicious about my choice of condiments, then.” Celestia thought for a moment, then brightened a bit as a thought occurred to her. “What if it had a bit more pepper?”
“Pepper we can negotiate on,” Baked replied, and the two Beans relaxed. “It could use a bit of pepper.”
“Perhaps after a hundred years of training, I will have a nose like you two have.”
“It’s a mixed bag at times to be able to do that,” Lentil replied with a munch on her fries. “It makes us better chefs, sure; but then you can’t help but sniff and taste everything, even when you’re not cooking. I’ve embarrassed myself on my fair share of dates with the sniff check. Not on them, of course,” she added quickly.
“I personally think it’s a wonderful skill to have,” Celestia replied warmly. “And I hope you continue to cultivate and refine it.”
“Oh, no worries there.” Lentil sat up a bit straighter. “Mom has let me run the Waffle by myself already. I’ve got a few ideas on some new menu items, and I’m thinking we need to expand, open up more restaurants. I think the concept of having waffles available whenever a pony wants to have one, day or night, could have great appeal. Our burro customers really seem to love ‘em.”
“Didn’t you say you were going to add pancakes to the menu?” Baked asked slowly.
“Yeah, I’ve thought about adding pancakes, but I’m not sure how well they’d do. I’d need a really good recipe for them.”
“I may be able to help you with that,” Celestia replied with a ketchup-smeared grin.
~*~
“You all right, Celly?” Baked asked with a bit of worry.
“I am, yes. I just…” Celestia shook her head, and she smiled to her husband and her cousin. “Forgive me, I just was not expecting to see that. Come, the hour is growing late, and we still need to find a swap for Lentil’s whistle, if we can.”
“I dunno,” Lentil replied. “I haven’t seen anything that I want to trade for it.”
“I don’t think it’s a big deal if we don’t find anything,” Baked offered. “We got to spend the day with you, and that’s been a blast.”
“Yeah, it has,” Lentil replied with a quick hug for her cousin, and a smile as Celestia’s wing draped over her. “I’ve really enjoyed spending the day with both of you.”
“Hey! Check that out!” Baked laughed, and he quickly darted away. It took a couple of moments for Celestia and Lentil to catch up to him, but once they did, Celestia began to chuckle to herself.
“What’s so funny?” Lentil asked, the puzzlement clear on her face. “Is it the lamps? These are really goofy-looking.”
“What?” Baked gasped. “My dear Lentil, these are anything but! Stellar Eclipse here has the most remarkable collection of Discord lamps that I have ever seen! They are perfect! Mister Eclipse, would you be willing to trade my set of antique chicken feed spreaders for one of your glorious lamps?”
“Yeah, I’ll trade you.”
“You’re not just making the trade because he’s the Prince, are you?” Lentil asked.
“Nah, that feed spreader will go great with this antique chicken I just got!” Stellar proclaimed, while holding up a small statue of a rather confident looking chicken. “It’ll make for a nice set! That’s totally worth it for one of my lamps.”
The trade was made, a hoofbump was shared, and Baked smiled gleefully while presenting his find to his wife.
“Not bad, eh? Now we just need to find a place to put it.”
“How about in the dungeons?” Lentil dryly offered.
Celestia gave a quick chuckle to that. “I believe we can do a bit better than that. There is a shelf in our drawing room that could accommodate this unique light fixture, and it will be useful to have during our late-night study sessions.”
“I thought you wanted the lights turned off for that,” Baked teasingly muttered under his breath, and Celestia’s wing smacked him upside the head.
Inadvertently, of course.
“You always did have some odd tastes and interests, Baked,” Lentil remarked with a shake of her head. “But I suppose that’s what makes you a good writer, and a good Prince.”
“Thanks. I should introduce you to the draconequus that this lamp is based on sometime.”
“No thank you,” Lentil replied with a shudder. “That guy gave me a seriously bad case of the heebie-jeebies at the wedding.”
“Oh, he’s not so bad, once you get to know him. Maybe I should try to get another lamp, and I can give it to him for his birthday or for Hearth’s Warming.”
“I do believe Discord would appreciate that very much,” Celestia replied with a smile. “I’ll see how much Mister Eclipse is selling them for.”
“TWILIGHT!” Rainbow Dash’s voice rang out over the din of the marketplace. “I need you to say a trade wasn’t fair! Fast!”
“What’s that all about?” Lentil asked.
“I don’t know, but it sounds like something we should go check on,” Baked said with some concern.
“You both go ahead,” Celestia offered with a wave of her hoof. “I’ll catch up to you once I finish here.”
Lentil glanced around at the crowd quickly before turning her attention back to Princess Twilight. Based on what she had heard, it seemed that Rainbow Dash had traded an orthros for a first-edition signed copy of Daring Do and The Quest for the Sapphire Statue, but she had also somehow added in Fluttershy to help train the cute and fluffy two-headed puppy. The trial that had been hastily called centered on undoing the trade based on the uneven value, but as Lentil had listened, she hadn’t heard anything that supported Rainbow Dash’s position.
But now that the arguments had been presented, it was time for Princess Twilight to issue her ruling. She looked nervous upon her throne, and Lentil could only imagine the amount of angst she had to be feeling.
“I’d hate to be Twilight right now,” she whispered over to Baked. “She might have to tell her one friend that the other friend is stuck in the trade.”
“That’s the joy of being in charge,” Baked replied solemnly. “I can relate to her.”
“I bet you’ve dealt with some doozies already.”
“Well, thankfully I’ve had Celestia to help me, so this is a bit different. It’s still difficult to ensure you’re doing the right thing, and it’s easy to second guess yourself.”
“I have faith in Twilight’s ability to rule properly,” Celestia announced. “And I believe a valuable lesson will be learned as well.”
Lentil caught the look of borderline panic that Twilight shot to her fellow Princess, but Celestia seemed to know just how to help, even from a distance. She put a hoof to her chest, inhaled, exhaled while drawing her hoof away, and then she gave Twilight a reassuring smile. With a shared nod, Twilight repeated Celestia’s actions and then faced her friend.
“I’ve heard what you both have to say, and I’m sorry, Rainbow Dash, but my hooves are tied. You did say it was a fair trade.”
“Yeah, I said it, but I was wrong!” Rainbow protested. “I did want that book, a lot. I said I wanted it more than anything in all of Equestria. But there’s no thing that’s worth as much to me as a friend. I might have forgotten that for a little bit, but it’s true. Which means there’s no way this trade can be fair!”
The other pony—Teddie Safari, if Lentil had heard properly—seemed to be irritated by Rainbow’s impassioned plea. “Oh, come on, that’s —” she paused for a moment, and then smiled “—the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard. Okay, the trade’s off!”
Rainbow gladly handed the book back to Teddie Safari while the crowd roared in delight, and the adorable orthros tackled both Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash to give them a happy and soaking lick with their tongues.
“And with that, I declare this trial, and this year’s Rainbow Falls Traders Exchange, over!” Twilight declared with a bang of her gavel.
“I still can’t believe you swapped your bird whistle for that, and after the Exchange was closed,” Baked remarked with a shake of his head.
“Hey, she made a compelling offer,” Lentil replied with a smile. “Besides, I think Dad will like him.”
“You’d better hope so. I don’t know how you could ever get rid of him.”
“Well, I think he’s cute,” Lentil replied, and she held up a square-ish, watermelon colored toy with large, playful red eyes, and a smile that would make anypony who looked at it feel instantly happier. The cute little pug nose was the cherry on the top of the adorable little bundle, and Lentil giggled in delight when her squeeze of the toy brought out a warm purring noise that instantly helped to soothe both body and soul.
“A fair trade indeed,” Celestia commented. “But I did harbor some concern that you would try to trade your bird whistle to Miss Dash for that orthros, I must admit. ”
“Oh, but he was a sweetheart too,” Lentil replied. “I’d take him home if I could, but we don’t have enough room for him, and I don’t think we have the time to train him properly, either.”
“I’m sure he’ll be happy in his new home,” Baked replied with a glance over his shoulder to where the orthros was walking away with his new owner. “But what are the odds we’ll hear about it if that doesn’t work out?”
“There is a small chance, I suppose,” Celestia replied. “I certainly hope we don’t have to intervene, however.”
“You know, I really don’t want to go home yet,” Lentil remarked with a heavy sigh. “I’ve been having so much fun. I hate it when days like this have to end.”
“I am afraid that is the way of all good things,” Celestia replied with a wise nod. “However, perhaps this day is not at an end yet.”
“No?” Baked asked with a sly grin. “Are you planning on keeping the sun up past its bedtime, my love?”
“Nothing quite that dramatic.” Celestia pointed with a hoof towards the train station. “But this should prove to be even better.”
Lentil froze in place when she saw who Celestia was pointing to, and she began to hyperventilate. “Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh…”
“Greetings, sister!” Luna called out from the platform. “I trust your day has gone well?”
“It has been most enjoyable, but we do not wish for it to end just yet,” Celestia replied.
“Ah, I understand.” Luna gave a quick nod. “Doubtless there is the possibility of the fun being doubled, yes?”
“There is, but only if you would care to join us.”
“But of course!” Luna cheered. “You know I am always ready to partake in merriment! Come, young Lentil! The night is young, and our slumber party awaits!”
“Slumber party?” Lentil asked in a very soft voice. “You want me… to…”
“Here it comes!” Baked called out. “Brace yourself!”
“OH MY GOSH!”
If there was a way to die from an overdose of happiness, Lentil was on the verge of discovering it.
“I do believe our cousin has understated her love for all things Princess, my Bean,” Celestia said with a nuzzle for her love while Lentil bounded to Luna’s side.
“I can’t believe Princess Luna wants to have a sleepover with me!” Lentil cheered. “Oh my gosh! We can build a blanket fort, and drink root beer until it starts coming out of our ears, and we can tell ghost stories, and I know a delicious recipe for caramel popcorn that I can whip up real quick…”
~*~
Lieutenant Spear Point drew in a suppressed yawn while he walked back towards his office. Whenever Princess Celestia was away from the palace, it felt like his working hours somehow managed to dig in their metaphorical heels and seconds would pass by in minute intervals. Thankfully, he had only a few reports to fill out before he could head home, and nothing sounded better than putting himself through a few reps on the free weights to release his built up tension.
He smirked a bit when Sergeant Pokey entered the hallway ahead of him. He remembered well the many times he’d been forced to stand guard for an entire day in the sun, and he could bet the Sergeant had lost five pounds in water weight from the day. Yet Pokey, being the consummate professional that he was, carried himself like he was ready to go tackle an Urlock, if need be.
“Sergeant! Hold up!”
Pokey snapped to attention and saluted. “Sir, yes sir?”
“At ease, Pokey. May I safely assume you just returned from the Exchange?”
“Yes sir.”
“How did it go?”
“Nothing of major importance to report, sir.”
“Good. We’ll forego the formal debrief then, just submit your written report. What’s that you’ve got there?”
“Oh, this?” Pokey held out an odd looking thing with a small plastic bear’s head on one end. “I picked it up at the Exchange, sir, from an odd little colt who just had to make a trade with a guard. I couldn’t say no.”
“Not much harm in that, I’d say. May I?” Spear asked, and Pokey gladly turned it over. “What is it?”
“I’m told it’s a bear whistle, sir. Something like a bird call.”
“Why would anypony want to call a bear?” Spear asked while he looked the device over. “Does it work?”
“I don’t know, sir. I haven’t had a chance to test it out.”
“Here, try it. I’d be rather upset if I swapped for a broken anything.”
“Yes sir.”
The roar that then proceeded from the ‘whistle’ defied the laws of acoustics and was at least ten times louder than it had any right to be. Granted, the physical makeup of the hallway may have helped to amplify the sound, but not to that degree. Lieutenant Spear Point was convinced a rattle and tinkle from the nearby stained glass window spelled a substantial deduction from his next few months paychecks, and Sergeant Pokey simply stared at his acquisition in shock.
A distant clanging of armor and spears brought the two guards out of their trance, and they glanced at each other as shouts of alarm began to join the chorus.
“Sergeant?” Spear asked. “When was the last time we ran an Ursa Major drill?”
“I’m not quite sure, sir, but not within the last year.”
“Ah.” Spear smacked his lips. “I blame Discord for what happened, for the record.”
“I concur, sir.”
“So, would you like to take point on the drill you just started?”
Pokey slowly began to smile. “Yes, sir. I believe I would.”
Baked Bean idly tapped a hoof on the exam table while Doctor Horsenpfeffer’s magic ran over his left foreleg. Visiting any Doctor’s office was never high on his list of things to do, and this visit was taking longer than he liked. But then, he had to admit that, all doctor visits took longer than he liked. Bean would have much rather limited his doctor-patient relationship to an occasional friendly wave across a palace corridor, and perhaps a nice gift during Hearth’s Warming. At least he did not have to wear one of those silly paper gowns, and there was a cherry lollipop in a jar nearby which had his name on it.
“So, explain to me how you managed to do this,” Horsenpfeffer asked without breaking her concentration.
“Oh, I landed wrong while attempting to dodge one of Celestia’s practice combat spells, and then she panicked when I let out a small—very small, mind you—yelp. That immediately ended the training session, and Celestia bundled me up in her magic and teleported me here to the infirmary.” He paused for a moment, but then added sourly “It’s not that bad.”
“I see.”
“So, Doc, will I ever be able to play the piano again?” Bean asked.
Horsenpfeffer glanced up at him. “Well, it depends. Could you play the piano before today?”
Bean pouted. “No.”
Horsenpfeffer chuckled. “You know, you should really come up with something a little more original than that. They teach you about that joke on the first day in med school. Now, would you like the good news or the bad news first?”
Bean shrugged. “The bad news, I suppose.”
“You definitely sprained your fetlock,” the doctor replied with a smile. “But the good news is that it’s a very minor sprain. You should be able to play the piano again, once you learn how. I want you to stay off of that hoof as much as possible over the next two days, keep ice on it to help with any swelling, and have the Princess give you lots of snuggles to help accelerate the healing process. Few ponies realize how much power there is in one of those things.”
“Should I not go to the Equestria Games, then?”
“I think you’ll be fine to attend,” Horsenpfeffer replied while she washed her hooves in the sink. “If you’re going to be with the Princess, she can levitate you around, and I believe you’ll mostly be sitting anyway. I’m going to get you a brace to help it heal, but so long as you don’t put a lot of weight on that leg, and don’t walk around a lot, you should be fine.”
“What about my training sessions with Celly?”
“First off, you tell your wife to play nice,” Horsenpfeffer admonished. “She’s sparring with you like you’re a sergeant of the Guard, and you’re not. She needs to pull her punches, or you’re going to be visiting my office in a basket. Second, no more training for a week, maybe two. I want that fetlock good and healed before you get back into the heavy training again.”
“Do you want to be the one to tell her she’s hitting too hard, or shall I?” Bean laughed.
“I’ll tell her; I don’t care. My job is to keep the Royalty as healthy as possible, and I can’t do that if she’s tossing you around like a cat playing with a mouse. I’ve gotten after her before, and I’ll do it again.”
Bean nodded. “Well, I think she feels pretty horrible about what happened, so I bet she’ll dial it back some.”
“Good. Now, if that starts to get really painful you come find me. I’ll be at the Games too, so I can look it over again, if need be. And I’ll get overtime for it, so it’s really not a problem.”
“Okay. Anything else?”
“You need to get a physical exam scheduled as soon as possible. Your records indicate you haven’t had one since high school.”
“I’m perfectly fine,” Bean said as his tail reflexively clamped down over his rear. “Other than one winged fetlock, I’m the picture of health. I admit my tap dancing is on hold for a few days, but I can still rumba and cha-cha.”
“Stallions,” muttered Horsenpfeffer with a grin. “I’m going to have a mare-to-mare chat with your wife. Both of you are as stubborn as they come about these things. I want you back here in the next three weeks, and then at least once a year thereafter. I want your reign to be long and prosperous, and you can’t do that if you’re suffering from high blood pressure.”
“Fine, fine,” Bean replied. “I’ll get something set up.”
“Wonderful! Now, anything else you want to discuss with me before the Princess blasts that door clean off of its hinges and spirits you away to Snuggly Healingland?”
Bean’s ears folded back for a moment, but then popped back up when he shook his head with a little extra vigor than was needed. “No, I’m good. It was just my leg, that’s all.”
“Are you sure, Your Highness? I am a fully trained and competent medical professional across all disciplines. If there’s something else you need me to look at, I’m more than happy to.”
The head shaking increased exponentially. “Nope, nope. Just that, honest. I can’t think of anything else.”
“If you say so, then,” Horsenpfeffer replied, but with a wary look. “If you change your mind about how ‘fine’ you are, I’m ready to listen and to help whenever you are.”
“I’ll remember that.” Bean hopped off the exam table, limped his way over to the door, and opened it a crack. “Thank you, Doctor, for taking the time to lo—eep!”
“Are you alright?! Tell me you’re alright.” Celestia’s magic hauled Bean into her waiting embrace at near breakneck speeds, and her wings wrapped around him tightly once he was within it. “I promise I’ll adjust our training regimen so this never happens again. How long will your recovery take? Please tell me you can come to the Equestria Games. I will be mortified if you cannot attend, and if you cannot go then I will remain here with you.”
“Celly, breathe,” Bean admonished. For a moment, he considered telling her that his leg was broken, but given her current mood, the joke would probably not be received well. “It’s a minor sprain, so I can still go to the games. I just need to take it easy for the next few days.”
“Then I hereby absolve you of any and all royal duties until further notice,” Celestia proclaimed instantly. “I will make sure you have everything you need, and you are not to lift a hoof unless absolutely necessary.”
“I’m wounded, not dead,” Bean muttered while Celestia nipped his mane. “I can still walk, you know.”
“Not if it’s going to aggravate your injury. I won’t let anything happen to you.”
“Don’t go overboard with your care, Your Highness,” Horsenpfeffer cut in. “He still needs to stretch it out, or else it’ll become stiff and painful. I’ll write up some exercises you can do to help it heal faster.”
“I’ll make sure he performs them as needed, Doctor.” Celestia levitated Bean up and across her back, and despite his grumbling, Bean had to admit to himself that he did like the extra attention.
“I don’t doubt that for a moment. Now, put my patient down, let’s get a brace on that leg, and then you two can head out to the Games. I’m sure Prince Shining Armor and Princess Cadance are waiting on you.”
* * ✹ * *
Bean smiled to himself while the carriage touched down just in front of the Crystal Heart. He’d been feeling a rising sense of excitement building within him since they had crossed the border to the Crystal Empire, and Princess Cadence seemed to be the source of it, if her slight prance was any indication.
“Auntie Celestia! Uncle Bean!” Cadence nearly pounced on them both in her excitement to embrace them, but she pulled back quickly when Bean took in a sharp breath. “Oh! I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were hurt!”
“Just a minor sprain, that’s all,” Bean replied with a smile, and he took a moment to show off his brace. “This is more of a precaution than anything.”
“Well, I’m glad to hear it’s nothing serious. Auntie Luna! Oh, I was worried you wouldn’t come!”
“What, and miss out on the first Equestria Games to ever be held in the Crystal Empire?” Luna hugged her niece while she continued. “Perish the thought! Besides, I have instructions to protect my brother-in-law from my sister. Doctor’s orders.”
Cadence rounded on Celestia with a stern look. “You broke your husband?”
Celestia’s ears folded back, and she chuckled nervously. “I may have had a small role in his injury during our training session this morning.”
“Oh!” Cadence brightened up. “At least you’re taking good care of him.”
“Do you need any assistance with your preparations? My Bean may be out of commission, but Luna and I would love to assist if we can,” Celestia offered, and Luna nodded in agreement.
“Oh, thank you, but we’ve gotten everything taken care of. Twilight should be arriving any minute now to help me take care of the arriving teams, Shining is doing one last check of the field and stadium, and Miss Harshwhinny has everything she needs. Unless some emergency arises, we should be good to go.”
Celestia smiled deeply. “I see. You’ve done well, dear niece, just as I knew you would.”
Cadence mirrored Celestia’s smile, and she stood just a bit taller. “Thank you, Aunt Celly. Now, why don’t we have the valets get your bags up to the guest suite, and then Uncle Bean can relax for a few hours before the opening ceremonies.”
“I like your addition to the courtyard.” Bean nodded to the new crystal sculpture while Celestia picked him up in her magic.
“It was installed just last week,” Cadence replied. “Do you think Spike will appreciate it?”
Bean took a moment to study the larger-than-life statue, and he chuckled. “How could he not love a towering version of himself, The Great and Honorable Spike the Brave and Glorious, holding the Crystal Heart aloft in a heroic pose?”
“I’m sure Spike will be quite enamored with it,” Celestia added in agreement. “In fact, it may be some time before we stop hearing about how much he likes it.”
~*~
“How is that, my dear Bean?” Celestia asked while her magic gently fluffed the pillow under Bean’s injured leg. “Is it soft enough? I’m sure I can find something else, or something softer, if you need.”
“I’m fine, my love,” Bean replied with a quick kiss. “The pillow is nice, and everything you’ve done is more than enough.”
“I still feel guilty. You would be fine if I was not so eager.”
“Well, I was the one who landed wrong. Really, this is nothing. I’ve had worse accidents in the kitchen.”
“Really?”
“On yeah. Cuts, scrapes, abrasions, burns, you name it. And the best part is that, injured or not, Mom and Dad still expected me to work the next day. The rule was that unless you had a bodily fluid coming out of you that wasn’t supposed to, you work.”
Celestia pulled a disgusted face. “I suppose that makes for a sanitary cooking environment, but the phrase could use some adjusting.”
“It got the point across. Keep it simple, right?”
Celestia tilted her head slightly and regarded her husband with half-lidded eyes. “I do believe that acronym has one more letter in it. It should be kay eye ess—”
And the kiss she then planted on Baked Bean’s lips threatened to ignite the air in the room. If this was what happened in Snuggly Healingland, he wanted to buy several acres, build a house, and then have Celestia move in with him forever.
After a few minutes, Celestia pulled back and allowed her love to catch his breath. “So, since you are so accustomed to working while injured, does this mean I won’t be needing my nurses outfit?” she said with a pout. “It took forever to find just the right stockings in my size.”
Bean blinked for a moment, fully aware of the blush in his cheeks. “Well, I… I think I could use a little attention. I mean, just a bit.”
“Only a little bit? Are you sure?”
Bean swallowed hard. “You really have one, don’t you?”
Celestia gave him a coy look with a flick of her long lashes.
Bean wanted to say something. He really did. But he found it was rather hard to speak when his face felt like it might set his mane on fire.
“But I am afraid such frivolous activities and abuses of my power will need to be postponed.” She nipped his neck, then booped him quickly. “After all, we don’t want to be late to the opening ceremonies. Perhaps we should complete some paperwork in the meantime, hmm? That might help you to cool down.”
“You might need to bring up a bucket of ice water too.”
“Be careful what you wish for,” she chided with a laugh. She then opened the door, presumably to call for Wysteria, but instead her wings flared and she retreated back a step when she found Trixie on the other side, a hoof raised and ready to knock.
“Oh! Trixie apologizes, Your Highness,” Trixie offered quickly while she retreated back a step as well. “Miss Inkwell sent me to help take care of anything you need. She’s having an argument with Corporal Quillpoint at the moment.”
“She is?”
“Miss Inkwell is rather displeased that the Corporal went out with his friends last night and forgot about a dinner date he had promised her. Trixie thinks that Miss Inkwell is making a big fuss out of nothing, but since Trixie is just the hired help, I will keep my opinion to myself.”
“I bet you will,” Bean remarked dryly.
“I will need the recent transit proposals and funding requests from Manehattan and Baltimare, Miss Lulamoon, and the minutes from the Ministry of Transportation’s last meeting. I also need a fresh ice pack and clean towels for Prince Bean’s injury, an inkwell and a quill, several sheets of paper, and our lunch, when it is ready.”
“I’ll be right back.” Trixie nodded, dipped her head, and took off down the hallway with a brisk trot.
Bean had to clamp his mouth shut to keep his giggles from escaping; his beloved was just too adorable when she went into super-protective mode like that. He quickly forced himself to be serious when Celestia turned to face him again, but the sly grin on her face made it hard to not laugh.
“And what is so funny?” she challenged.
“Nothing, nothing at all. I was just thinking about how cute you are, and how you care about me.”
Celestia puckered her lips slightly, and it was clear she didn’t fully believe him. “Hmm. I suppose I should thank you for the compliment. Now, let’s take that brace off and stretch out that fetlock. I don’t want you to be in pain during the Games.”
* * ✹ * *
When the Equestria Games had been held in Salt Lick, Baked Bean was still a small colt. From what he could remember, his parents had seen the influx in visitors as a fantastic way to promote their still-fledgling restaurant, and he had been so busy helping out with the crowd that he hadn’t had a chance to see any of the competition. At the time, he hadn’t minded this; there wasn’t much appeal in sitting in a large stadium, surrounded by ponies that produced screams and whistles at ear-drum splitting pitches while a pony ran around a large oval.
Now that he was older, Baked Bean found he really had missed out on something special back then.
Yes, the stadium was loud, and it was packed, but those were the only two slight downsides Bean could find. There was an electric energy in the air, a pent-up bottle of excitement that was begging to be released. Flags and banners waved all around him in support of the various teams, and Bean felt a bit of pride when he saw a large patch of ponies from his hometown, cheering and whooping like the games had already begun. He had the best seat in the house, both for the view and for companionship, and Celestia had been rather insistent that he have the softest cushion the Empire could produce for him to rest upon.
If his fetlock was hurting at all, the atmosphere all about him kept him from thinking of it.
“Miss Lulamoon?” Celestia called out, and the mare appeared out of nowhere. “Ah. Where is Miss Inkwell?”
“I’m not exactly sure, but I think it’s better that Trixie keeps it that way. Miss Inkwell threatened to make me the personal assistant to Prince Blueblood when I asked her where the Transit proposals were.”
“Very well then. I believe I would like some nachos. Would you go procure some for me, and for my husband?”
“Oo! I would like the cheese-covered chips as well,” Luna added eagerly. “And one of those sugar cinnamon sticks, if you please.”
“You do mean a churro, right?” Trixie asked.
“Is that not what I said?”
“You said… never mind. Anything else?” Trixie asked.
“Not at the moment, no,” Celestia said while floating a few bits over to the assistant. “This should cover the cost.”
“Fine. Trixie will be right back.”
Twilight then appeared from the nearby entrance, and she stopped abruptly when Trixie entered her field of view. Bean was glad that Celestia had sent a letter to Twilight explaining Trixie’s new position, but given their history, he was understandably worried about how this meeting would turn out.
“Hello, Trixie,” Twilight offered in a slow and low tone.
“If you’ll excuse me, Her Highness Princess Celestia has asked me to procure some items of vital importance.”
Twilight gave her former foe a flat look. “She asked you to get nachos, didn’t she?”
“And a sugar cinnamon stick!” Luna shouted.
Trixie stammered for a bit in frustration, but Twilight took one step to the left and motioned with a hoof to the exit. “Please, don’t let me stand in the way. Oh, but could you bring me a churro too?”
Trixie grumbled while she left, and Twilight took in a deep breath. Bean continued to watch as the fourth princess glanced to the dignitaries sitting before them, the crowd in general, and then down to the field where her friends were waiting to cheer on the flag bearers and Rainbow Dash’s relay team. She then turned to face Princess Celestia, and Bean felt a little knot of guilt build in his gut when Twilight bowed the knee, spread her wings, and dipped her head to the Diarchs of Equestria, and to himself. He didn’t think she needed to show such reverence. She was a princess of Equestria, after all.
Celestia nodded to her former student, however, and she motioned with a hoof for her to sit in her—well, her own throne, Bean supposed. It was too lavish to be called a seat, and far grander than the fluffy cushion he had next to Celestia, so he supposed that counted for more points. Twilight then glanced to Luna, waved to Cadence, and got a look of concern when she spotted the brace on Bean’s leg.
“Prince Bean, what happened?”
“Celly and I got into a fight, but I’m okay,” he replied before getting smacked upside the head by Celestia’s wing again. He giggled as said wing then wrapped around him, and he took a moment to explain what had really happened.
“Well, I’m glad it’s not serious.”
“You look nervous, Princess. Everything alright?”
“I’m fine, I’m just worried about Spike,” said Twilight while she glanced to the massive cauldron across the stadium. “He’s never been before this many ponies in his life.”
“I’m sure he’ll do fine,” Bean replied in a reassuring tone.
“I hope so.”
“Fillies and Gentlecolts!” Shining Armor’s voice echoed throughout the stadium. “I present to you the delegation from Fillydelphia!”
The Fillydelphia fans churned themselves into a foaming, frenzied mob as their flag and their team took the field. Though he wanted to cheer for his hometown, Bean decided it might be for the best if he followed his wife’s lead and remained calm and dignified. It was probably for the best that he not play favorites.
But he would still cheer for them if they did well in the events.
Bean snuggled into his wife’s side slightly as the teams were announced and presented. Most of the major cities, and many of the smaller towns had fielded teams this year, and Bean had the thought that there were more competitors at these games than there had been during the games in Salt Lick. He was pleased with this, though; he wanted the Crystal Empire to have the best games that had ever been, just to show how far they had come since their return. He did have to bite his lip when the team from Salt Lick was introduced, but he managed to curb his enthusiasm and remain professional.
He wasn’t the least bit surprised when Twilight cheered the arrival of the Ponyville team. Two of her closest friends were on the relay team, and she was the princess of friendship. She did smile in embarrassment when she noticed Celestia watching her outburst of support, but the gentle smile and nod that the solar princess offered showed her approval without saying a word.
Bean then turned his attention to the cauldron, and the small dragon who was standing at the base of a ladder. This would be one of the easiest tasks Spike would ever be asked to complete, all he had to do was use his dragon fire and the rest would take care of itself.
But Bean quickly saw why Twilight had been right to be nervous. Spike didn’t move until Miss Harshwhinny shouted something at him, and he hesitated yet again when he reached the top and leaned over to look in the bowl.
Spike leaned back and drew in the largest breath he could, but when he tried to produce his legendary fire…
He sputtered and coughed. Nothing came out.
Bean’s nerves ramped up quickly for the baby dragon, and Spike seemed to be talking to himself, possibly in an attempt to calm down enough to perform. However, he kept talking to himself, and with each unheard word he seemed to grow more alarmed.
“What’s wrong?” Cadence quietly asked herself, and Bean found himself echoing the sentiment. The Spike he knew was usually confident and capable, eager to please and surprisingly efficient. The Spike on the ladder looked terrified, and his feeble efforts to produce fire was beginning to make the crowd nervous. The cheers were turning into murmurs of concern, and even Celestia looked a bit worried over the delay.
Cadence then turned to the guard next to her. “Will somepony go and help him?”
The guard quickly trotted away, and Bean felt highly embarrassed for Spike. The poor little dragon looked like he was going to give himself a hernia with the amount of effort he was putting into this. All of his attempts were ending in failure, and Bean wondered if Miss Harshwhinny would just throw a match into the cauldron to be done with it.
Bean jumped a bit when the cauldron suddenly caught. The flames burned bright orange for a brief moment before settling down into a calm blue, and the stadium erupted into cheers. But how had that happened? Spike’s fire had been non-existent, but somehow the torch had been lit. Could Spike start fires with the power of his mind now?
Bean glanced over towards Twilight to ask her about the strange phenomenon, but he caught her wiping her brow and sighing with relief. Had she lit the cauldron?
“Let the Games begin!” Shining Armor shouted, and the sheer wall of sound that hit Bean silenced the question. All that really mattered was that things could move on.
“Trixie should not have to wait in line for food. Trixie is THE assistant secretary to Princess Celestia, she should get priority treatment.” Trixie continued grumbling while she walked up to the royals, and her magic flicked a churro towards Twilight. “Your cinnamon-sugar stick, Sparkle. Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Trixie has your nachos and churro.”
“Thank you, Miss Lulamoon,” Celestia replied flatly while her magic wrapped around the offered food.
“So, what did Trixie miss?”
* * ✹ * *
“Well, this has been a most successful Equestria Games, I would say,” Celestia remarked, and Bean nodded.
“It has been. I’m a bit disappointed in Salt Lick’s performance, and I’d still like to know what Spike was thinking when he mangled the anthem for Cloudsdale, but other than that this has been very exciting. I really didn’t think Ponyville would do as well as they have.”
“They have been practicing hard, and it shows,” Celestia replied with a quick nuzzle for Bean. “How is your fetlock?”
“I haven’t felt it at all, really. I think by the time we get back to Canterlot it should be all right.”
Celestia started to reply, but she was interrupted by a rather irate Wysteria. She nodded quickly to Bean before whispering something into Celestia’s ear, and Bean felt that familiar knot of concern growing in his stomach as Celestia’s demeanor turned serious.
“He has, really?” Celestia asked when Wysteria was done, and the secretary nodded. “Goodness, I wish he’d come to me sooner. Tell him I will be able to meet with him tomorrow evening to discuss the matter. It shouldn’t take long to sort out, but we will need to keep this quiet.”
“Of course, Princess,” Wysteria replied. “I’ll make sure he gets the message.”
“What’s going on?” Bean asked while Wysteria trotted away, and Celestia smiled back at him.
“Oh, just a small problem in Maretonia. It’s nothing you need to worry about.”
“Are you sure? You know me; I want to help out if I can.”
“I know,” she replied with another nuzzle. “And I am most grateful that you want to. But I’m afraid this problem is something that only Luna, Cadence, and I can handle. I need you to trust me on this, and when I can, I will inform you of what is going on.”
“Well, okay,” Bean said softly. “If it’s that important, I’d hate to be the one to ruin it.”
“Thank you for being so understanding, my love,” Celestia whispered into his ear. “Trust me, there will be a fair reward for your patience.”
Bean shivered in delight, then booped Celestia with a laugh. He’d go relocate Canterlot by himself for one of Celestia’s rewards.
“And so the games conclude,” Shining Armor announced from the field, “as they always do, with the ice archery finals! Ice archers, take your places!”
“At least Salt Lick has one more chance to medal.” Bean pointed down to the competitor in the white tracksuit. “See him? That’s Dusty Bottoms. We both went to the same high school, but I didn’t know him then. He was on the archery team there. I know Cloudsdale is favored to win this event, but I bet ol’ Dusty will give them a run for their bits.”
Celestia watched for a moment while the brown pony Bean had pointed out fired a few arrows. “He does seem to have a smooth draw, and a nice release. His aim seems a bit off, though.”
“Huh, it does,” Bean agreed. “I hope he’s not getting nervous.”
Nothing more was said while they continued to watch, but Bean became more and more nervous with every arrow that Dusty released. It was obvious Dusty was quickly becoming overwhelmed; each shot seemed to take longer, and he was constantly glancing over to his fellow competitors. He had to calm down, or he was going to take dead last in the competition.
There was an audible gasp from Bean when Dusty kicked his bucket of ice arrows, and the gasp was matched by the rest of the crowd when he tripped over it while drawing back, and his arrow went sailing into the sky.
Fortunately, the arrow’s trajectory was such that nopony was in danger of being struck by the bolt. Unfortunately, the weather team for the Crystal Empire was currently attending the games, so a few stray clouds had drifted overhead, and Dusty’s arrow drove deep into a rather large cumulus cloud that had been idly meandering by.
Gasps turned into shrieks of alarm when a large ice crystal emerged from the bottom of the cloud, and was followed by several more. Within a few moments, the cloud had turned into a jagged ice block, and the whole crushing mass began to descend upon the stadium and the ponies who were now trapped within. A few ponies ran for the exits, but most realized there was no way they could all escape in time.
Celestia and Luna both gasped and sprang to their hooves, but their action sent Bean flying forward and he tumbled end over end for a few rows before crashing into the back of Prince Blueblood. Celestia’s cry of alarm distracted Luna, but several pegasi from the competing teams took to the air and attempted to halt the downward trajectory of the airborne iceberg.
“Steer it towards the field,” Rainbow Dash shouted. “Away from the crowds!”
“Cut the disabling spell!” Shining Armor ordered.
“There isn’t time!” somepony replied.
“Dash, Fluttershy!” Spike’s voice cut through the panic with a confident purpose. “Move!”
Bean watched from within Celestia’s levitating magic as Spike leapt from pegasus to pegasus to the frozen cloud, and with one massive breath, his flames struck the underside with a massive release of steam. A brief rainstorm from the melted ice then occurred, but Spike was oddly prepared for the drizzle, and he smugly opened an umbrella to keep himself dry.
There was a pause while everypony took in what had happened, but then the wildest cheer of the entire games rang out in joyous celebration. That had been a spectacular maneuver, and Spike simply looked around like he was being applauded for blinking.
Bean wanted to cheer too, but he found he was in too much pain to really do much of anything. Celestia quickly wrapped him up in her forelegs and in her wings, and with a familiar surge of magic, Bean found himself in the first aid section of the stadium.
“Prince Bean?! What did you do now?” Horsenpfeffer demanded.
* * ✹ * *
“Well, you’re not dead. That’s a plus,” Shining Armor quipped. He’d been trying to fluff Bean’s hospital pillow for a solid minute, but he finally gave up on the attempt at making the flat lump comfortable and he slid it gently behind Bean.
“Yeah, but that tumble sure hurt,” Bean replied while he adjusted the ice pack on his head. “Oo. I’d rather not do that again. I’m just glad Horsenpfeffer managed to convince my wife to go to the closing ceremonies.”
“It’s too bad you missed it. The fireworks were pretty impressive.”
“I suppose I’ll just have to wait for the next games,” Bean replied with a wince of pain. “How’s Dusty?”
“Well, he’s wishing he was on the moon right now, but Cadence and I have been telling him that it’s not a big deal. Really, I should have kept a weather team on patrol; that would have prevented the whole thing, too.”
“Now we know, right?”
“Right. How long are they holding you here?”
“Just for a couple of hours, I think. Once they finish up some tests, I should be back under Celestial care.”
“Hey, that’s the best way to heal. It’ll be impossible to keep her away from you anyway.”
Bean sighed and settled into the hospital bed as best he could. “Shining, could I ask you something a bit personal? If you have a minute, that is.”
“Of course! What do you need?” Shining asked while pulling up a chair.
“Well, it’s kinda embarrassing, to be honest.” Bean smiled sheepishly. “I’m probably just overthinking the issue, too.”
“Hey, maybe you are and maybe you’re not. I’m here to help you. Us Princes have to stick together.”
“Well, it’s a… um, a personal issue. Between me and Celestia. Uh.” Bean stammered for a moment. “I think that I’m, well…”
Whatever Bean was going to say at that moment was interrupted by a bright flash of golden magic, and a white alicorn sweeping Bean out of his bed and into her embrace. “I am so sorry, my dear Bean! I feel horrible about what has happened, absolutely horrible! You will receive nothing but my undivided love and attention while you heal, I promise!”
“Thanks?” Bean asked while he pulled his head away from Celestia’s peytral. It felt like the center amethyst had left a deep imprint in his cheek. “So, what did I break this time?”
“Nothing, amazingly enough,” Doctor Horsenpfeffer replied while she strode into the room. “But you did bruise your ribs pretty good, and I bet that sprained fetlock feels a whole lot worse now.”
“I haven’t noticed yet, but it probably will when I put weight on it.”
“You’ve also got a nasty bump on the head, but the concussion tests came back negative. I’m going to release you to the care of the Princess, but only if you pinkie promise me you’ll stay in bed. I’ll check on you tomorrow and see how things look. Ideally, I’d like to keep you moving as much as possible, but for now you need to heal.”
“I don’t think the Princess will let me go anywhere, Doc. I’ll stay in bed.”
“Good. Make sure you keep hydrated, too. I want you to drink at least six cups of …”
The rest of the Doctor’s instructions were lost, and Bean found himself back in the guest room of the Crystal Palace. He wasn’t the least bit surprised that Celestia had teleported him away, but he did wish she’d waited just a minute longer so they could get the rest of Horsenpfeffer’s instructions.
“Now, you lay right there, and I will take care of everything,” Celestia admonished while she levitated a thin blanket over and tucked him into it. “I will not leave your side until you are fully healed.”
“The Doc is going to be mad at you,” he pointed out.
“She’ll understand. I want you to begin healing as soon as possible.”
“Don’t you have to meet with the Duke of Maretonia tomorrow evening?”
“Oh.” Celestia thought for a moment. “I can’t postpone that. I suppose I can leave for a short time, if need be.”
“I’m sure you’ll come back as soon as you can.”
“And I’ll bring all sorts of treats with me to help you heal. How does that old saying go? ‘Starve a fever, feed a cold?’”
“I think that’s it, but I’m not sick.”
Bean smiled and felt a wave of tingles pass through him when Celestia snuggled next to him and wrapped her wing across his back. “But as a chef, you must admit that there is much medicinal value in a good meal, and in a few sweets. I know cake always helps me to feel better when I am feeling depressed.”
Bean snuggled back, and he kissed his wife’s cheek. “And you always make me feel better. With your tender care, I’ll be up and running a marathon by this time tomorrow.”
“I hope so. I never want you to be hurt again, and I will do anything to make sure that you remain safe, secure, and with me.”
Baked Bean pushed his helm back slightly with another long and seemingly useless look over the bogs before him. Sentry duty was always the worst, and it was made all the more miserable thanks to the tartarus-spawned murk he was forced to sit in and watch over.
The sasquatch sure knew how to pick the most miserable, hot, sloggy, and sloppy pit of a defensive position. The mosquitos here constantly nipped and plucked at his hide, despite his armor and the heavy cloak he wore, and every other bug and pest seemed to be interested in his inner ear and nothing else. Even the menacing, moss-infested trees around him seemed to be harboring dark and devious thoughts, and they did not strike only because he was looking at them. He’d be happy once this offensive was done and over with, and he could get back to his clean and bug-free house.
He smiled slightly as he thought of home. Today was Tuesday, so there would be freshly laundered blankets on his bed now, still sun-warmed from drying on the line and smelling of the wildflowers near his back door. There would be a warm mug of apple cider awaiting him in the kitchen, and he could simply relax and take slow sips of the brew while allowing the aromas of his own fresh baking to caress his nose. He would have fresh bread in the oven, and a delicious stew bubbling within the large cauldron, filled with vegetables he’d picked that morning from the gardens, and it would be nearly impossible for him to refrain from sneaking over and sampling the broth. Baked Bean loved stew, always had. Were it not for Celestia’s interference, he would eat it morning and night without a second thought. It was easy to make, it was cheap to procure the ingredients, and it was one of the rare meals that felt filling. It was a hearty meal, a stallion’s meal.
It was certainly far better than the hard-as-a-rock ‘biscuit’ that he was given for his rations and the slimy swill that they had to drink. If he had to choke down another cup of the putrid, maggot-infested water…
“Wake up, Private Daydreamer,” a pony whispered in jest while smacking the back of Bean’s helmet.
“I wasn’t daydreaming, sir,” Bean whispered back while he adjusted his helm again.
“Right. Ah suppose yer not knee-deep in moss and peat either?”
Bean gave his commanding officer a slightly insubordinate glare. “Lieutenant, I’m not as bad as the stories say. I love to write, yes; but I pay attention when I need to. Commander Hurricane wouldn’t have put me with this detail if she had thought I was a liability.”
“Do you know what she said to me? ‘Take Celestia’s pet out with ya, Star Struck,’” Bean’s lieutenant replied with a chortle. “‘He’s gettin’ on everypony’s nerves around here. He’s got half a wit about him sometimes, and he does know to put the pointy side of the spear in the enemy, so he canna be too horrible.’”
Bean wanted to respond with a similar snide comment, but his anger kept him from saying anything other than a sputtered groan.
“Relax, Private. I’m just givin’ ya some grief to chew on,” Star replied with a quick glance over the yellowing stench that rose up from the swamp. “Anything out there?”
“No, sir. Nothing all day.”
“Can’t last. Them Squatch have been holed up fer too long, and they gotta be gettin’ a burr under the saddle. They’ll be keen to ambush us, if they can.”
Bean slapped a mosquito away from his cheek. “You think so, sir? I’d heard that they were running out of provisions, thanks to Luna’s attack on the supply lines.”
“Aye, they’re hurtin; but that makes them desperate,” Star replied, and his ear flicked to a sound. “And when yer desperate, you’ll do just about anythin’.”
“When will we—”
Star Struck shushed Bean and stuck a hoof in his face, and his eyes darted over the swampland quickly. “Something’s out there, Private. Get ready.”
Bean’s heart began to hammer in his chest, and he pulled his spear up to attack position. The Sasquatch were unmatched in their ability to use the natural motions and sounds of the bog to hide their movements, so—
“WATCH IT!” Star shouted, but the warning came too late and Bean’s spear was snapped in half in the ambush. It deflected the sasquatch blade, but the return stroke met no resistance and cut a deep gash through Bean’s armor and down to his ribs. A metal shield twice the size of Bean then slammed him into the bog, and what little air he had in his lungs was pressed out of him like juice from a grape when he hit the rocky soil under the water. The end had come surprisingly quick, and Bean was rather annoyed that he had been taken out so easily.
The shield then released him almost as quickly as it had hit, and Bean floundered to the surface with a hacking cough. Star Struck had flung himself at the assailant, and he had both hooves wrapped around the sasquatch’s neck while he cursed the creature and its wild movements.
“Aye, that’s right, ya doaty bampot! Yer keen for a fight, and I’m keen to give one! C’mon! Flail about all you like, I’ll skin and gut ya like the flounder you are! You’ve done tussled with the wrong pony!”
Another sasquatch appeared out of the bogs, and Bean stumbled and fumbled about in an effort to find the broken half of his spear. The effort ended quickly when Bean was cleared from the scene with a swift backhand from the monster, but through his now hazy vision, Bean could see that the action had only emboldened the crazed lieutenant.
“Oy, you leave him alone! I’ll not let ya batter about my ward!” Star screamed, and he sent both hooves into the top of the first assailant’s head with an overhead swing. The blow was enough to finish that fight, but just as Star leapt onto the face of the second, a third sasquatch appeared, and then a fourth.
“Bean, clear outta here!” Star shouted as he gave his current target a furious round of punches. “Get back to the outpost; sound the alarm!”
Bean tried to do as he was told, but the pain in his ribs was too much. Each effort to stagger forward left him face down in the water, and there was a high chance he was going to drown himself just by moving.
After a few abortive efforts, Bean had to simply prop himself up on a tree and wait. Each short gasp for air burnt like fire, and his whole body felt like it had been dropped into the middle of Black Smith’s forge. Sasquatch after sasquatch came after the pair of them, but each was dealt with in quick succession by Star Struck. His moves were clean and precise, doing just enough damage to render the current assailant immobile before moving on to the next one. He alternated between throwing punches, bucking, and simply stabbing and slashing with his sword when possible. By the time the whole affair was finished, no less than twenty sasquatch lay scattered about them, and it had taken less than five minutes.
“Bean!” Star crashed through the bog, slipped to a stop, and then ripped a large portion of his own cloak for a bandage. “Don’t you bleed out on me, colt! Celestia will tan my hide if anythin’ happens to you!”
“She will?” Bean groaned, and he cried out in pain while Star attempted to staunch the bleeding.
“Aye. She never wanted you anywhere near the front. If she could work her will, you’d be back at the Castle, sippin’ dainty drinks and lookin’ pretty for the nobility. She never expected you to amount to much otherwise.”
“I guess she was right, eh?” Bean laughed through a wet cough.
“Ah, none of that talk, and quit squirmin’. Yer not dead yet, and we’re gonna keep it that way. I need to get ya back to the outpost. Can ya move at all?”
“No!” Bean bellowed in agony when Star pulled on his right arm. “No. Something’s broken. I can’t move.”
“Fine, I’ll carry ya. But you don’t tell nopony about this, got it?” Star demanded while he slung Bean up and across his back. “I’ll never hear the end of it otherwise.”
Bean was going to reply, but he never got the chance. One of the sasquatches managed to regain consciousness, and when he stood to renew his attack, he swung his arm and sent both ponies skimming across the water like skipping stones.
“THOU SHALT PAY DEARLY FOR THINE ASSAULT AGAINST MY HUSBAND!” Luna’s voice blasted through the trees, and Bean was pretty extra sure one or two of them were felled by the sheer force of her words.
Bean thought he had seen fury before. It was an unmistakable emotion, one that made the eyes burn hotter than Celestia’s sun and twisted the face into lines of pure contempt and malice.
But the anger that Bean now beheld on Luna’s face would haunt him for the rest of his days. He never could have comprehended how dark and cold fury could be, had he not seen it for himself.
There was a flash of lunar magic, and in an instant, the sasquatch was no more. He did not slump over in death, nor did he clutch at the site of a magic strike. He was there, and then he simply was not. It was like the assailant had never existed.
“Quick, love!” Star called out. “We need to get him back. Can yah teleport him?”
Bean felt greatly confused while Luna’s magic started to cauterize his wounds with a venomous hiss. “My Princess, are you all right?”
“I am fine, Private. Now hold still.”
“But… you are without your armor, my princess.”
“Why would I have it?” she replied while her magic shifted. “I have not been at war for over a thousand years.”
“But we are at war now. How can this be?”
Luna began to reply, but then understanding dawned in her face. “We are not at war, because —”
And Bean felt the familiar flow and pull of teleportation magic.
* * ☽ * *
Baked Bean gasped and inhaled sharply before groaning. A hoof moved to rub his ribs, and for a brief moment, he expected to find blood.
“Because you were dreaming,” Luna finished her statement from earlier. Bean reached up and wiped away a smear of drool from his mouth as she continued. “Are you all right? It is very rare for a nightmare to be vivid enough to fool me into thinking it is real.”
“I think I’m fine,” he replied with another groan and a glance over the scrolls on the table. “I suppose I shouldn’t be sneaking off to the Crystal Archives when I can’t sleep.”
Luna clicked her tongue, and her magic picked up several of the scrolls that were strewn about. “The next time you are restless, I would suggest trying a glass of warm milk. My husband’s detailed—” she paused and her head jerked back slightly while she read a scroll, “—and rather graphic field reports do not make for a good bedtime story. It is little wonder that your dream was so violent. Why are you reading these?”
“Research,” Bean replied with a casual shrug.
Luna’s magic levitated the scrolls, and with a quick succession of pops, the documents were returned to their rightful places in the archive. Bean did not escape her critical eye during the process, though.
“Bean, there are outright lies, which is when somepony fails to use any truth in their statement. There are also lies of omission, which is what you have just done. You may be researching, but there is far more to this than just a mild curiosity. Nopony looks up such materials without a clear point and purpose in mind. Now, why are you looking through these?”
“Bean?” Celestia’s melodic voice drifted into the room, and both ponies turned to face the daytime diarch. It was obvious she would much rather be in her bed, but the overall look of concern revealed her inner anguish at not having her husband at her side.
“Hey, sorry about that,” Bean offered while they shared a quick nuzzle. “I couldn’t sleep.”
“What keeps you from slumber, my love?” Celestia asked through a yawn. “Are your ribs hurting? Your head, perhaps?”
“Mostly my head, I think,” Bean replied, and he winced a bit when he heard Luna growl behind him. “But not because I hit it. I’ve had too many thoughts running amuck up there lately. It’s so full that they may start leaking out my ears.”
“What troubles you? The hour may be early but I want to help you to overcome whatever ill is afflicting you.”
Bean had to chuckle a little when Celestia yawned deeply. He didn’t doubt that she wanted to help him, but she probably wouldn’t be able to stay awake either while he explained. “Look, why don’t we talk about this tomorrow, once we’ve both gotten some sleep. I’m just filled with a lot of thoughts, and it’d be better to sort them out when we’re both awake.”
“You will discuss it, correct?” Luna challenged. “This is not a diversion to avoid the subject?”
“I will talk to her about it,” Bean replied in a half-convincing voice. “Once I can get my thoughts into something resembling sense, that is. Right now, they’re too scattered and whatever I could say would sound like tapioca pudding.”
“Very well then.” Luna nodded, but her gaze remained fixed and stern. “I will hold you accountable to your words.”
“I hope you do.”
“Come, my dear.” Celestia’s wing wrapped around him tightly, and she gave his cheek a soft peck. “Perhaps I have been smothering you. If you need solitude to help you heal, I will gladly find another room to spend the night in.”
“You stay out of my room,” Luna threatened. “I have the blankets just the way I like them, and I don’t need you messing them up.”
“You’re nesting again, aren’t you?” Celestia replied with a tired grin.
“I am not!” Luna huffed, and her wings ruffled. “I do not nest!”
“I am convinced that, one day, my dear sister will lay an egg,” Celestia whispered loudly into Bean’s ear. “For some odd reason, she likes to make a large pile of blankets and sheets on her bed before settling down in the middle of them.”
“Your sun gets hot during the day, you do realize,” Luna grumbled. “I can’t get comfortable if I’m sweating.”
“That’s why you stick one leg out from under the covers and turn on a fan.”
Luna shook her head. “If only every problem in life was so easy to solve.”
* * ✹ * *
Breakfast that morning started out much earlier and with less Shining Armor than Bean was used to. It was clear that Celestia, Luna, and Cadence were all distracted by that evening’s appointment with the Duke of Maretonia. Bean wished he could do something to help them to prepare, but he didn’t know how he could, especially since Celestia had said only she and her fellow alicorns could solve the problem. This, however, led to a thought, and just as the orange juice was served Bean vocalized it.
“Does Princess Twilight know about the meeting?”
“Luna informed her of it, yes,” Celestia replied.
“Oh, good. She should be able to help out quite a bit. I bet her friends will be right there, too; ready and willing to do whatever they can.”
It was a subtle hint on his part, but if Celestia caught on to his hidden meaning she didn’t acknowledge it. “I’m afraid Twilight will not be in attendance with us. The Duke has asked for her not to attend.”
“Oh. Won’t she be upset about being left out?” He lobbed the pitch slow, underhoof, and right across the plate.
“She may be, but she will understand why once she has all of the facts. I know it is not easy to accept for her to accept something based on trust or faith, but she will need to in this matter.”
Bean paused. It felt like Celestia had just hammered the pitch right back at him, and he’d barely stopped the deadly metaphorical sphere before it hit him square in the face. “I guess she will just have to wait, then?”
“She will. I know she will find the request difficult, but she will understand once this is all over.”
“She probably will,” he replied. With another attempt routed, Bean simply nodded amicably and he let out a small huff while trying not to seem petulant. “I suppose I will need to find something to keep myself busy today.”
He was really trying not to sound bitter, but the prospect of being left out of this important meeting was slightly demeaning and worrisome. What could be so drastic that Celestia had to exclude him, especially since he was supposed to be her equal?
“I am certain Wysteria has a full schedule for you today, my Bean.” Celestia said with a nuzzle. “I do regret I cannot be with you today, but I will make it worth you while.”
“Sister, we should be off,” Luna said while she rose. “There is much to accomplish, and little time to work with.”
“Why don’t you go find Shining and see what he’s doing?” Cadence offered while she and Celestia stood. “The two of you can’t just mope around the palace if you’re together. I’m sure he knows of something that you both can do to keep out of trouble.”
“What is this, again?” Bean asked.
Shining shook his head in amazement. “Fantasy buckball, Bean! Seriously, you’ve got to get out more. I’ve got a league all ready to go, and it’ll be easy to get you in. We’ll just need to get a few things set up.”
“Like what? I’ve never played fantasy buckball before. What am I supposed to do?”
“First off, you gotta get a team together. Any player can be selected for your team, but you need to watch your salary cap. If you blow your budget on defenders, you’ll never score.”
“But since I’m Celestia’s husband, can’t I just buy all the players? I bet there’s enough bits in the coffers.”
“No, no. That takes all the fun out of it. Real teams can’t do that, so neither can you. You have to stay under the cap.”
“So who determines that?”
“Well, each fantasy league sets their own, and since I’m in charge of this one, I make the final call there. Let’s not worry about that for now, that’s boring stuff. Here’s what you really want to worry about.”
Shining’s magic then conjured a stack of papers that was as tall as Bean, and he happily dropped it on the dining room table in front of them with a heavy whumph. Bean stared at the papers for a moment in shock, but then he looked to Shining.
“Um, I’m afraid to ask.”
“STAT SHEETS!” Shining gleefully shouted, and he clapped his hooves together like a foal who had just gotten a perfect and long pestered-for Hearth’s Warming gift. “This is the heart and soul of fantasy buckball right here. Every player is in these papers, Bean, along with every conceivable statistic about their playing ability. Scores, blocks, wing strength, times off the line, injuries, everything! These papers will make or break your team. I’ve already got most of it memorized.”
Bean simply stared back at the Crystal Prince while his magic began to divide the large stack into smaller, but still formidable stacks. “Channeling your inner Twilight there, Shining?”
“I am older than her, so how do you know she isn’t channeling her inner me?” he retorted.
“Your sister is more popular than you are, I’m afraid to say. Nopony would say she channels you.”
“Yeah, well, we both were raised by nerds, so we’re really channeling them. What did your parents get you hooked on, again?”
“Touché,” Bean said with a laugh and a nod.
“I’ll let you talk my ear off about cooking sometime. I need some suggestions for a romantic dinner anyway; Cady’s birthday is coming up in a few weeks.”
Bean perked up a bit with this. “I can give you a few ideas, if you like. Might help me sort out what to make for Celly.”
“Don’t you cook a nine-course meal every night for her?” Shining gave him a sly smile.
“I wish.” He sighed while he picked up the closest paper to him and began to skim it. “If I’m being totally honest, I haven’t cooked a meal in three weeks. Chef Beet always has something ready to go for us, no matter when we actually sit down to eat. I’m glad she does it, of course, but…”
Bean didn’t finish his sentence, and his gaze went distant and held a touch of sadness. Shining gave him a nudge after a moment of this, and he offered a small smile of reassurance.
“What’s up? You look like something’s eating you.”
Bean gave Shining a look that was equal parts annoyed and amused. “Be careful about saying something like that around a chef. We’ll launch into a ghost story about how griffons used to carry ponies off and cook us up in their stews, and then use our skins for book covers and jackets.”
“You chefs have issues,” Shining replied after a moment. “Perhaps I need to reschedule that summit conference in Griffinstone next month.”
“You wouldn’t believe how crazy a good chef really is.” Bean smiled wryly before doing a double take at what was printed on the paper before him, “Sling Shot’s wing power is really that low?”
“Surprising, right? All those blocks but she’s not all that powerful.”
“Looks can be deceiving, I guess.”
“That they can,” Shining agreed with a nod. “But don’t leave me hangin’, bro. What’s on your mind? Please, help me help you.”
Bean shook his head at that, but he gave a playful scoff as well. “All right, all right. I’m probably just being an idiot, though.”
“I doubt that. Is this related to our aborted conversation in the hospital from last night?”
“Yeah, it’s exactly that.” Bean drew in a slow breath, and he let it out even slower. “You promise you won’t tell anypony about this?”
“Nothing you tell me ever leaves this room.”
“I mean nopony, not even Cadence. Particularly not Cadence.”
“Bro promise,” said Shining Armor, sticking out a hoof to bump. “May my Paladin be dropped to zero level and develop warts should I tell. Now spill,” he added when Bean gently returned the hoof-bump.
Bean then nodded, but he exhaled deeply again while glancing around to confirm that they were alone. “I don’t even know how to say what I’m thinking. Do you… um, do you ever feel like your love life is… well, is lacking with Cadence?”
“Lacking?”
“Oh, would you listen to me?!” Bean groaned. “Forget it, forget it. She’s the Princess of Love, of course you don’t have that problem.”
“Yes,” Shining offered quickly, before Bean could build a fortress of buckball statistics and repel Shining’s overtures of assistance with percentage catapults armed with scores per inning. “I’ve felt that way a few times since we got married.”
“But, like, how much? One or two times, or more than that?”
“Are you worried about you and Aunt Celly?”
“I am, yeah. It just seems like such a dumb thing to be concerned about, y’know?”
“Not at all, Bean. You need to be mindful of things like that. Cady tells me a lot of problems crop up in relationships because of mismatched expectations. Is there anything specific that concerns you? I’m not the expert that Cady is, but I’m sure I can give you a few pointers all the same.”
“I dunno. Maybe I’m just overthinking all of this, but I find I’m comparing how things were when we first got married to now.”
“Didn’t you sleep in separate rooms to begin with?”
Bean couldn’t stop his snorting laugh. “Okay, you’ve got me there. I mean when we first started…” he hesitated, and he tapped his forehooves together. “Um, that is, when… well, when she and I…”
“Started sharing a room?” Shining offered.
“Yeah!” Bean latched onto the offered euphemism and ran with it. “When we moved in together. She couldn’t wait to head off to bed then, and neither could I. It was the best part of the whole day, when we could…” Bean stalled again, and his face began to turn red while he tapped his forehooves together again. “Um, well. Y’know.”
“I get your drift. Go on.”
The blush on Bean’s cheeks lessened, but it didn’t fully disappear. “Yeah. Anyway, I thought then that our nightlife was pretty good, but lately, it seems like it’s been less than stellar. Celly always seems eager and willing to… um, share a room, but I don’t think I’m performing like I used to, and I’m worried about it. Maybe there’s something wrong with me? I almost asked Doctor Horsenpfeffer about it when I sprained my fetlock, but I was so embarrassed that I kept quiet. Stallions aren’t supposed to have those sorts of problems, y’know?”
“Why do you think you have this problem?”
Bean’s face could double for a tomato based on the color it took right then. “I dunno. Like I said, I’m just being stupid.”
“No, there can be a medical basis for these kinds of issues,” Shining reassured. “Did your Dad and Mom have any reproductive problems?”
“I didn’t think so, but I am an only child,” Bean replied. “So they may have, and they just never told me.”
Shining nodded. “See? It could be something hereditary, and that is treatable. But there’s also the, um…” Shining trailed off, and it was now his turn to blush. “Well, the physical differences between you two. If you were taller than Celestia, then this might not be an issue.”
“I had that thought too. It is harder for… um, for me to…”
Both Bean and Shining couldn’t speak, let alone look each other in the eye, until they had made a through and intense examination of the closest paper to them.
“So,” Bean began with a squeak that was swiftly covered with a deep cough, “I can take whoever I want?”
“Not quite. If you join my league, I’ll have a draft right before the Buckball season begins. A bunch of my Crystal Corps guards are in on this too, and they’ll get to pick as well, just like in real life. That’s why you need to know these stats so well. If your pony gets picked by somepony else, you need some alternative selections.”
“Right. That makes sense.”
There was another pause, and then Shining cleared his throat. “You know, there is magic out there that could make you… uh, taller. I’m sure Aunt Celly knows how to do it.”
“Oh, I don’t doubt that. She could make me as tall as the palace, or shrink me down to the size of a gnat, if she wanted to. I just… I don’t like the idea of having to change my height, or anything else about me. Celly has said a few times that she loves me just the way I am, and I really feel like I’d be betraying her if I changed my height, or my weight, or anything else like that. She didn’t fall in love with a Bean that could see her eye-to-eye. She fell in love with me, just as I am.
“And, before you ask, I don’t like the thought of asking her to change herself for me, either. I fear I would start to love the fake Celly more than the real one, and that I’d want the fake more than the real if my performance gets better that way. I love Celestia exactly the way she is, long legs and all. I don’t want her to change just so I can...” he tapped his forehooves together again lightly.
“I gotcha. I wouldn’t really approve of Cady changing her physical shape just for my pleasure either. But you may want to consider branching out, perhaps. Maybe you just need something new to try.”
“Something new?”
“Yeah, like how you add spices to a meal to make it more interesting. I mean, you must know about—” Shining quickly glanced about, and he placed a hoof between Bean and the empty room “—socks?”
Bean’s face felt like it might combust spontaneously. He knew about socks, every stallion knew. He had known since he was fourteen and the spring issue of Derby Illustrated had come out with none other than Miss Zenyatta on the cover. It had been a tasteful picture, in a respectable magazine, but he had never forgotten the image. Or the socks.
“Zenyatta?” Shining said with a knowing bob of his eyebrows.
“Spring issue.” Bean finished with a distant look.
“Now, take Zenyatta out and put Celestia in.”
Bean was sure he was smelling burnt hair, and that it was his own. “Well, I… uh, maybe…”
“Just keep it under consideration, all right?” Shining replied with a playful shove. “I’m sure Aunt Celly would do just about anything to make sure you’re happy with how things are. Really, though, the best thing to do would be to talk to her. See what she thinks and how she feels. You may be worried, but she could be perfectly content with you, despite the height difference.”
“I know,” Bean replied with a huff for himself. “I just had to fall in love with a mare who was taller than me, didn’t I?”
“That’s what bugs you?” Shining laughed. “Or have you forgotten she is twelve hundred years your senior?”
“Believe it or not, I do forget that most of the time.” Bean laughed in a good-natured and wholesome way. “I wouldn’t touch her with the longest pole in Canterlot if she acted anything like either of my grandmas, but she never has. When I’m walking with her, talking about the needs of Equestria and her little ponies, I feel like I’m talking to a mare my age, who shares my concerns and my interests. She sees things in the here and now, not from decades, or even centuries ago. I love that she’s kept up with the times like that. Oh, she still keeps tradition in mind when she works, sure. She never acts inappropriately, nor does she buy into the fads of the day. She’s always the Princess she needs to be, but when she can put that aside and be just Celly, she’s just like any other pony I’ve met in a lot of ways. I mean, she even told me she would like Songbird Serenade’s new album as a gift for Hearth’s Warming this year. She tells me nopony ever gets her practical gifts, just ancient necklaces of fallen civilizations or amulets of forgotten power. Sometimes she just wants bath beads, really.”
“That’s nice of her to tell you what she wants. Trying to get gift ideas out of Cady is like trying to pull teeth.” Shining offered. “It’s also nice to know that you don’t have a problem with Aunt Celly’s age.”
“I do try to keep my little problems down to a minimum, if I can.”
Just then, there was a knock on a nearby door, and Shining smiled broadly when Twilight entered behind it. “Twily, hey! What’s up?”
“Am I interrupting anything?” Twilight glanced over the papers on the table while the Element Bearers filed in behind her. “I wanted to talk to you about the Duke’s visit today, if I could.”
“I’d love to, but I’m afraid I know about as much as you do. Cady has been pretty tight lipped about the whole thing.”
“Oh.” Twilight’s gaze went to her fidgety hooves. “I was hoping you knew something about what was going on. The dignitaries just arrived, but all I did was smile and wave while they greeted the Princesses.”
“Don’t forget the banner!” Spike called out while he hopped into the seat next to Bean. “That was super important.”
“Count yourself fortunate, L.S.B.F.F.,” Shining replied with a reassuring smile. “At least you get to help. Bean and I were told to make ourselves scarce. Seems the Duke is really worried we’ll overhear something we shouldn’t.”
“But why would the Duke want to keep you and Bean away? You’re Princes in Equestria, after all, and you should be privy to—”
“Oh, no, Pinkie. I think Bean should select Braeburn first,” Fluttershy’s voice drifted over and interrupted the conversation. “He has a really good first shot score ratio.”
“But Winding Roads has that super-duper, extra-deluxe-hold-the-mayo sling block!” Pinkie retorted, and she jabbed a hoof into one of the stat sheets. “There’s no way to defeat it!”
“You’re starting a fantasy buckball league?” Twilight asked her brother, her previous train of thought having now departed for Seaward Shoals and all points south. “Have you had your draft yet? How many are in your pool? You should really take Nicker Bocker, he had a thirty-eight percent assist rate last year.”
“Ugh!” Rainbow threw up her arms in despair. “The eggheads are doing math stuff. C’mon, Rarity. Let’s go see if we can get that guard to burp the alphabet again.”
“I’d rather go watch Applejack grow grass, darling,” Rarity replied flatly. “You go do that, and I shall see if I can find some of that exquisite crystal yarn. I do believe sweaters will be a trendy item for this winter, and I’d like to get ahead of the crowd.” To her side, one of the sheets glowed a pale blue and nudged itself closer to Bean, as if by accident.
“Suit yourself,” Rainbow called over her shoulder while she flew out into the hallway.”Yo, Flash! Can you do that alphabet thing backwards?”
“Hold up, R.D.!” Applejack called. “I’ll join you. Ah’ve nearly lost the farm too many times bettin’ on buckball.”
* * ✹ * *
Bean watched from his bedroom window as the Duke and Duchess of Maretonia were escorted to the train station by a pair of crystal guards. The meeting had gone on far longer than he’d expected it to, and he was eager to find Celestia now and to find out what was going on.
He smiled a bit as he moved out into the hallway, and he wondered what Celestia would think when she heard Shining had introduced Bean to the world of fantasy buckball. The most likely answer was that she would giggle, perhaps chide Shining on spending time on such a trivial pastime, and then introduce her own team selections with an earnest desire to join his league.
It was one more thing he could add to the list of things he loved about her. She was surprisingly spontaneous at times, and involved with things that one would not expect her to be interested in. Bean had heard from various guards and staffers at the palace that Celestia was a mean billiards player, and that a good way to lose bits was to wager against her in a game of darts. She followed buckball, and she had a small but growing collection of baseball memorabilia in her drawing room. Really, he could see his beloved taking an interest in any sport she learned about, now matter how obscure it may be.
But what about the game of love? Did she still enjoy playing that game with him, or was she growing tired of her teammate? Bean wanted to ask her, to have her silken words drive away the doubt like frost before the dawn of a summer’s day. He had no doubt that his own love for her had grown and strengthened since their wedding, but had hers as well? Was he just overreacting to something that didn’t exist?
It was in the midst of his musings that Bean happened upon Prince Blueblood. Bean didn’t notice him right away, and when he did, he gave a startled gasp and then a sigh.
“Ah, here you are, Mister Bean,” Blueblood said. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”
“Hey, about that.” Bean rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment. “I really didn’t mean to crash into you yesterday. I don’t even know how that happened, really.”
“Oh, I’m not concerned about that,” Blueblood scoffed and waved a dismissive hoof. “Accidents do happen.”
“So what did you want to talk about then?”
“Nothing of major importance. I would simply like to inform you that it has been a pleasure to have you as a guest in my home, and that I wish you nothing but the best in your future endeavors.”
There was a little voice in Bean’s head that began screaming at him. It told him to just walk away, to go find Celestia and to snitch on him like two foals on a schoolyard. Nothing good could come from continuing this conversation, nothing at all.
Bean did not listen to the little voice. “I’m sorry, Blueblood, but I was unaware that I was going anywhere, nor was I aware that the palace was your house. Why do you believe I am leaving?”
“How can I put this?” Blueblood tapped a hoof to his chin for a moment, but then he brightened. “Ah! I know. You are a chef, so allow me to use food terms. That way you are sure to comprehend.”
“Thanks for keeping my keen intellect in mind,” Bean said sourly.
“Not at all. Now, let us suppose for a moment that you are lost in a vast desert, yes? There is nothing but sand for as far as you can see. There is no food, no water, no shade. Are you with me so far?”
“I think I can handle that image, yes.”
“Good. Now, let us say that you have been in this dire predicament for two months. You have been forced to wander with no provisions, and there has been no indication of relief from anywhere.”
“Still with you.”
“Good, good. Now, let us now suppose that I find you in this waste, at the brink of expiration. Should you go another moment without some sort of sustenance, you will perish. You would be rather pleased to see me, I would hope, but that is beside the point.
“Here is where it matters most. I present to you, at this moment, a plate of food. Upon this plate, you find I have provided a moldy, rancid block of cheese that has been left exposed to the elements for far too long, some stale bread that is more penicillin than carbohydrate, and a large bucket of swamp water that contains maggots, tadpoles, leaves, twigs, and whatever other odd debris one finds in such a place.
“Now, please remember your dire circumstances. At this precise moment, do you care that I have presented you with inedible food?”
Bean hesitated. His inner chef was revolted at the offering, but in light of the scenario, he was having a hard time finding a way out of the inevitable answer. “I suppose not. I would be so desperate that I would eat and drink whatever you gave me.”
“Exactly.” Blueblood folded his arms tightly, and a smug grin emerged. “Our dear Princess Celestia has, in a figurative way, gone without for over twelve hundred years. Imagine it! Twelve hundred years with no intimacy, no contact with a secret lover, no daliances whatsoever. Her devotion to her ideals is admirable, none will deny.
“Then you come along. For the first time in her long and celibate life, you give her something she has never had, but always secretly longed for. At this point, the quality does not matter to her in the slightest. Your moldy cheese and stale bread is like dewdrops from heaven to her, and she will consume and consume until she has been sated.
“But then, once that occurs, she will realize what she has been missing out on,” he offered in an all-knowing tone. “She will see you for what you are, and she will naturally move on to more artisan waters, and to cheese that is aged to perfection. With enough time, she will understand that you are inferior, and that all you have offered is a gross, simple, and temporary solution to an eternal desire. I believe that time is rapidly approaching, and you will soon find yourself in need of a new home. If you like, I can refer you to several fine apartment complexes in Canterlot, should you wish to stay in the city. I am on good terms with the managers, and I may be able to work out a deal so you can afford to live there on a modest chef’s budget.”
Bean said nothing for several long moments, but Blueblood remained confident and assured. The analogy was apt and simple; there was no way to make it more plain, even if he tried.
“Wow,” Bean finally said slowly. “That’s a good one, I have to admit. Pretty convincing, too. There’s just one small problem with it.”
“Oh? Please, do enlighten me.”
“That is totally and completely wrong. I mean, you couldn’t be any more wrong about Celestia and me if you tried! Have you even seen us together lately?!”
“Oh, I assure you I have been watching most carefully,” Blueblood replied while he stood and began circling like a shark who had found fresh blood in the water. “You wish for evidence? Then evidence you shall have. Tell me, what is your greatest executive or legislative action to date?”
“I passed… oh, well.” Bean hesitated for a moment. “I, uh… I helped out with the budget.”
Blueblood scoffed. “Helped? From my review of the matter, Celestia asked your opinion on one line item, a restaurant tax if I’m not mistaken. That hardly counts towards ‘helping’ on the budget.”
“I signed off on that new town that one unicorn wanted. Starlight, I think her name was.”
Blueblood was clearly unimpressed. “You do realize that just about anypony could have signed off on that? Any construction project can begin with the simple completion of a form, so long as it is filled out in triplicate.”
“Okay, so I haven’t done much in the way of legislation. That doesn’t mean anything. I’m not qualified yet to act on my own.”
“Ah! But Celestia has repeatedly stated that you are her equal, has she not? It’s not very encouraging to find that you have not risen to that lofty position she holds as our great arbiter and law-giver. One would almost think she is holding you back, if one did not know better.”
“She’s not holding me back,” Bean replied with less conviction than he’d hoped. “She’s been trying to teach me. Things have just been really busy.”
“Of course, of course. I’m sure that’s why she excluded you from the meeting with the Duke of Maretonia. She is too busy tending to tempermental delegations, there simply isn’t the time to educate you on the issues that trouble that fair land.
“Let us move on to the second observation I have for your consideration. You love her, she loves you. If this simple truth is a truth, then everything I have said is false. Do you agree with this statement?”
“It sounds right.”
“How have your evenings been as of late? Are they still filled with the fires of passion that you found when you first entered into the relationship with Celestia, or have the flames begun to dim and diminish?”
“Um… well, they’ve…” Bean didn’t want to discuss his love life with Blueblood, no matter how true or false his accusations may be.
“Does she still look at you with longing and desire, Bean?” Blueblood challenged with a hoof poking Bean’s chest. “Or have you seen what I have seen? Don’t deny it now, be honest. There was a burning there once, when your relationship was new. She craved you, she devoured you. But now? She falls asleep on you as soon as her head hits her pillows, and when you do manage to make an evening of it, both you and she are left disappointed. You know, more than anypony else, how dim the embers have grown. You haven’t been able to give her what she truly wants for many weeks now.”
“Should I be alarmed that you know so much about my love life?” Bean asked with no shortage of concern.
“Simple observations, Mister Bean. I’ve seen it dozens of times in my life, and what is happening to you is a textbook case. The fire blazed brightly at first, didn’t it? The attraction was strong. Really, what stallion would deny Princess Celestia the prospect of an intimate relationship, even if there was no ancient law to force things along? You saw an opening, and you deftly seized it.
“But then came the late nights, the disagreements. You and Aunt Celestia didn’t argue about things at first, of course. But then there was the tiff over the citron pressé, a minor thing that was blown out of proportion by decorum. She told you how things were, what your proper role was. That was the first step, and it was like you had taken that lemonade and used it to fuel her ire.
“As a result of that, your role in Day Court was diminished. Doubtless you have seen your ideas disregarded and your suggestions have gone unheeded. Despite being her ‘equal,’ Celestia has pushed you more and more into the background. Any argument about her treatment will fall on deaf ears, so why broach the subject? I’m sure you have found that if you just follow instructions, she remains pleased with you.
“But what if you should fail again, as you most certainly will?” Blueblood’s gaze went to something beyond Bean, and he frowned deeply. “Today is is lemonade, but what of tomorrow? Perhaps you will wish to spend an evening out with Shining Armor and Discord, though I cannot fathom why such a thing would ever cross anypony’s mind. But then, when you return home, you find naught but a cold bed for company, and a jewelry box devoid of your family’s heirloom pieces broken upon the coffee table.
“When you confront her, she will tell you, in no uncertain terms, that she seeks for someone more ‘thoughtful’ and ‘caring’ than you are. She will lay out your cold aloofness in grandiose terms and with vivid illustrations, and despite your vehement denials, you will see she is right.
“And then will come the distance,” Blueblood continued, but it was clear he was no longer speaking to Bean directly. “From then on, you will only be able to catch glimpses of her from across the room at a party or some other social event. You will see how she speaks to other stallions, and how she hides the pain you inflicted. Her broken heart will be hidden behind a masquerade most convincing as she flirts with other stallions, but you will be able to see how broken she is on the inside through her eyes. In time, the tides of change will cause you to continually drift away, until she becomes nothing more than a casual acquaintance you happen to see in the hallways. Oh, yes, Mister Bean. I know all too well the path you have inadvertently entered into. Mark my words, the end is coming.”
Bean glanced up and down the hallway quickly, hoping desperately that somepony would come and save him from this conversation. “Well, since you are the apparent expert, what can I do to avoid this? I don’t want to lose Celly.”
“Oh, there’s nothing you can do about it, my friend.” Blueblood’s eyes snapped back to Bean, the smug grin returned, and he shook his head. “No, the damage is already done. Today, you are denied an audience with the Duke. Watch very carefully, and see what she excludes you from tomorrow, and the day after that. With every passing moment, she moves to distance you and to find another who can give her what she really wants. The cold emptiness of separation will find you soon enough.”
Bean shook his head back and forth for a moment in thought. “Huh. Perhaps it’s for the best that Celly and I have a cooling off period. I would like to grow my mane out again, and I can’t do that when she keeps setting it on fire.”
One of Blueblood’s eyebrows slid up to indicate his disbelief. “I very much doubt there has been any physical fire between you two.”
“Well, not for the last month at least. The Royal Glazier is complaining about the constant repairs to the windows in the bedroom too, so I’m sure he would appreciate a small vacation as well. That would be an improvement, right?”
Blueblood sputtered for a moment. “Mister Bean, if that was truly the case, then the expenditure report would have been sent to me immediately. Such a waste of funds would never be tolerated.”
“You’re right, that does get expensive. Maybe if we added asbestos to the glass? I hear it’s not very healthy for you, but that would raise the melting point, wouldn’t it?”
Blueblood gave a snort of anger and stood quickly. “If you are not going to take this seriously then I see no need to continue the conversation. I have said my peace, and I will now take my leave. The sooner you are gone, the better.”
“I can still get those apartment references from you though, right?” Bean called out as Blueblood tramped down the hallway.
~*~
Baked Bean shook his head as he rounded the corner to his bedroom. Just when he had thought Blueblood was going to try to get along with him, he had to go off on some wild tangent like that. He’d been stuck in some pretty bizarre conversations before when it was his turn to tend the bar back home, but that one was easily in the top ten for ‘most surreal and unbelievable story ever told.’
But then Bean paused. It was clear that Blueblood had issues that went far beyond Bean’s annoying presence in his life, but he had been remarkably close about identifying Bean’s concerns. Perhaps there was a nugget of truth in his bloated bloviations. Celestia did seem to push him away for the Duke’s visit, and—
“No,” he muttered. “He’s just spouting off. He hates that I have what he doesn’t.”
But Bean didn’t want to tread the path that Blueblood had laid out before him. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with Celestia, to help her care for her little ponies and to give her the support she deserved, as well as all the love he possessed for her.
Shining Armor was right. He just needed to talk to her. Once he knew what Celestia was thinking, and how she felt, then he could either settle his mind once and for all or he could make the corrections he needed to. He knew he still loved her, and he felt that she still held some love for him.
Even if the fire had diminished slightly, it had not gone out completely. He could add fuel, if it was needed, and their love could be renewed and intensified. There was hope, there was time.
Bean hoped there was time to correct any issues. He then berated himself for thinking such a thing while he pushed open the door to the guest room, and he resolved to suppress all such thoughts. They were not helpful in the slightest.
Bean’s heart sank when once his eyes had adjusted to the darkness. Celestia had already gone to bed, while still wearing all of her regalia, but she stirred and yawned when the light from the hallway touched her.
“Bean?” she softly called out. “Is that you?”
“Yeah.” Bean reached up and gently took the tip of her crown in his teeth and moved it over to the sideboard, onto the velvet stand where it belonged. “How did the meeting go?”
“Oh, it went as well as can be expected,” she replied. “I’m afraid the matter is not yet resolved, though.”
Bean suppressed a groan as he nosed the petryal off Celestia’s neck and put it on the velvet stand also. That meant he was going to be left in the dark for some time yet, it seemed. “I see. I hope it doesn’t take too much longer to sort out.”
“That makes two of us,” she yawned again, and shook her head slightly. “I’m sorry. I’m afraid I have no energy left after all of the issues from today.”
“Was it really bad?”
“Tedious, more than anything.” She poked one hoof over the edge of the bed, and Bean wrestled the shoe off. It was tight, as if she had been standing all day, and her hooves had swollen slightly.
He wrestled with the second shoe while saying “Well, you should get some sleep then. Tomorrow will be better.”
She gave out an indeterminate grunt, but extended each other hoof for him to un-shoe, like some reverse Cinderella prince. When the last shoe was off and he finally curled up in bed, she gave him a quick kiss and added, “I believe tomorrow will be much better. Thank you for being so understanding during all of this. I was worried you would be resentful.”
“Because of your secrecy regarding the Duke?” Bean asked, and Celestia nodded.
“Yes. This has been difficult for many ponies, it would seem. Twilight has even begun to question her role as a princess.”
“She has?”
“Mm, yes. She is unsure of what she needs to do in her role as Princess. Luna, Cadence, and I tried to reassure her that she does have an important role to play, but I do not think she took our words of comfort to heart. I am pleased that you do not question your role with me, and that you have been so supportive, even when you do not know everything.”
Bean tried to swallow the lump in his throat. “I am happy to help you in any way I can, my Princess.”
“Oh, is that so?” Celestia replied, and her eyes wandered over his form. “And what if your princess desires your pleasurable company for the evening?”
Bean fought back a tear and the urge to blurt out all of his concerns. Now was not the time to burden her with his ridiculous thoughts. She had enough emotional baggage to deal with, she did not need him to add to the pile.
“I would love to provide all the pleasure you desire,” he softly whispered, and he forced a smile that he didn’t feel while Celestia’s wings and arms surrounded him. Now was his chance to fan the flames, and even if the effort consumed him, Celestia would not question his love for him after this evening.
* * ✹ * *
Rare Find walked through the back alleyways of Canterlot with concern and caution. The night seemed darker than it usually was, despite the full moon over head, and the mists that had drifted in were a bit unsettling. He felt like there was something just out of sight, hiding in the shadows and waiting to strike when he was least expecting it.
He determined at that point to make sure all future orange deliveries were made during daylight hours. Cinnamon Chai could wait, no matter how good her orange tea was.
A metallic clunk from behind him made him jolt and gasp, but when he looked, he saw the source of the noise was nothing more than a tin can rattling on the ground, most likely knocked off the nearby garbage by a stray cat. Rare sighed in relief, adjusted his magical grip on his orange basket, and began to walk again.
He managed one step before nearly plowing over another pony, and he paused in mid-step. This stranger was dressed in a long cloak and hood that obscured his face, but Rare assumed he was most likely the garbage pony, making his rounds and emptying the bins.
“Oh! Very sorry,” Rare offered with a nervous chuckle. “You came out of nowhere.”
“‘Is he a friend, or is he foe,’ the pony wonders,” the stranger said with what looked like ice on his breath. Rare cocked his head to the side slightly while the odd pony continued to speak; he was trying to figure out what magic was being used to allow small puffs of mist to form with every breath this pony took. “I can assure you, I am no friend. I am Lord Tirek, and I will take what should have been mine long ago.”
Rare Find did not get the chance to fully comprehend the statement. The strange creature—for it was now obvious he was no pony—opened his mouth wider than a mouth should be able to, and Rare found his magic being ripped out of his horn and seemingly eaten by this assailant. He was powerless to stop it, or to even move; all he could do was stand there in pain and shock while he watched every last bit of his magic leave him. He collapsed when the devilish deed was completed, and his oranges fell and scattered all around him. What had just happened? How had that just happened?
Rare was forced to watch on in horror as his attacker began to glow, and then grow larger right before him. Two pale yellow eyes then appeared under the cloak, and an evil laugh began to echo in his ears and throughout the alleyway.
~*~
Celestia gasped loudly, and she bolted upright in bed. The action again sent Bean tumbling, and he groaned from the floor just as Luna slammed the double doors open with both of her forehooves.
“Sister, are you alright?!” Luna asked with great concern.
Celestia took a deep breath and put a hoof to her forehead. “I’ve just had the most horrible dream!”
“Why do you think I’m here? You know as well as I that this was not a dream, but a vision.”
“Don’t worry about me,” Bean interjected with some slight irritation. “I’m getting used to having broken ribs.”
Celestia’s magic lifted him up, but she simply placed him back on the bed before walking with Luna to the window. “Then we haven’t much time. The stronger he becomes, the more we are all in danger.”
“Goodness, who could be knocking at such an early hour?” Bluebell muttered to herself while she tied off her robe and descended the stairs. “This must be rather serious. I do hope nothing has happened to my Hokey.”
“Bell? Oh, I hope you’re here,” Pokey’s voice came through the door with another rapid burst of knocks. “Please open up! This is serious!”
Bluebell slowly opened the door, and she gave Hokey Pokey a confused look through a yawn. “Hokey? I thought you were in the Crystal Empire. What’s wrong, my sweet?”
“Oh, good,” Pokey ripped his helm from his head, and he glanced up and down the hallway like he was expecting something to attack him at any moment. “There’s a threat that’s just come up; I’ve been sent ahead to round up the guards and bring them to the Palace. I need you to leave Canterlot, get as far away as you can. You’ll be safe if you do.”
“Safe? Threat?” she repeated with ample confusion. “Hokey, you’re not making any sense. What’s going on? Why do I need to leave?”
“Tirek!” Pokey blurted, and he clenched his eyes shut tightly while he groaned in pain. “L-lord Tirek has returned. He’s coming to steal the magic of all ponies. If you leave, he can’t get yours. You need to flee, head to the hills. There’s a small village under construction northwest of Manehattan called Our Town: you should head there. Tirek doesn’t know about it, and you’ll be safe. I’ll come get you when this is all over.”
“Oh my,” Bluebell replied with a hoof to her mouth. “Do be careful, my Hokey. This Tirek sounds dreadful!”
“Don’t worry about me, take care of yourself. I couldn’t live with myself if I knew something had happened to you.”
“I’ll leave as soon as I can, my Hokey. Go, do what you need to.”
Hokey Pokey began to leave, but then he turned back and met Bluebell’s green eyes directly. “Before I do, I want you to know that… well, that is, I’d like to talk to you about something when this is done. Something important, about us and the future.”
“We can discuss whatever you like, of course. I’ll wait for you until the end.”
Pokey then quickly leaned in, and he gave Bluebell as passionate a kiss as he could in ten seconds, pressing his lips against hers so energetically that they bumped noses. He then blushed while he replaced his helm, then sprinted down the hallway without another word.
Bluebell gently shut the door, touched a hoof to her lips, then inspected the kiss she’d just been given. She’d never been kissed like that before. It was… pure, somehow. Honest, even if it had hurt her nose a little. She had felt more genuine love in that kiss than she could have collected in a week of walking around Canterlot.
“That idiot wants to propose to me,” she muttered, and she shook her head. “Interesting. Thorax! Wake up, you dolt!”
“My Queen?” Thorax answered, and he emerged from the cupboard under the stairs with a tired yawn. “What is it?”
“Go fetch Mandible and Bob. We’re leaving.”
* * ✹ * *
Bean had decided rather quickly that he did not like Lord Tirek.
His eyes darted over the page he was reading one more time, and he forced a calm breath before he glanced up to Celestia.
“So, you’ve dealt with Tirek before, if I’m understanding this book right.”
“Yes, but the last time we defeated him, Luna and I used the Elements of Harmony,” Celestia replied while she fired off a message scroll off with her magic. “We do not have that luxury this time, so our strategy must adapt to the circumstances.”
Bean swallowed hard. “What do we do? Can we use magic against a creature that steals it?”
“There may be a way, but I am hopeful that we do not have to resort to that,” she said while scribbling furiously on another piece of parchment. “If we can catch Tirek before he grows too powerful, we can stop him and whatever dastardly plan he has concocted.”
“So we just need to find him, then.” Bean thought for a moment, and then he brightened. “Well, we know he’s in Canterlot, so the guards can lock down the city. Being the… um, what kind of creature did you say he was, again?”
“In form, he most closely resembles a centaur, love. Though that is being generous with the term.”
“Centaur, okay. But the guards could stop him since he sticks out, right?”
“I hope so, but I fear Tirek will be able to steal their magic as well.” Celestia fired off her current scroll, then turned to him. “However, I believe there is one who is better suited than any of us to handle this situation.”
“Really? Who?” Bean asked. “I mean, who could be better to deal with this than you and the other princesses?”
“You know, it’s rather rude to shove a scroll up my nose while I’m trying to sleep, Celly,” Discord’s disembodied voice came before he popped into the palace with a flash, said scroll still in his nostril and one foot tapping in irritation. “This had better be good.”
“My apologies, Discord, but time is of the essence and I needed to rouse you as soon as possible. Our need is most desperate, and you are the only one who can help us.”
Discord smiled with this, and he pulled the scroll out with a gleeful laugh. “Oh, really? Moi is the only one who can help? Well, isn’t this just a delightful turn of events. Please, do tell, my dear Princess. What is so dire that only I can assist?”
Celestia met his gaze with a serious frown. “Lord Tirek has returned.”
“Tirek?” Discord tapped his chin with a claw. “Tirek, Tirek. I know I’ve heard the name. Don’t tell me! I’m sure I’ll remember; it’s right there on the tip of my tongue.”
His tongue then stretched out of his mouth unbidden, and a smaller Discord, who was wearing a mortarboard, was sitting on the tip of it. Professor Discord then turned, and a chalkboard appeared next to him, filled with tiny illustrations of Tirek and some historical notes.
“Brother of Scorpan, Lord of Vordak and Haydon? Tried to steal pony magic, banished to Tartarus by your favorite Princesses?”
“Tath’s ith!” Discord replied to the miniature, and he pulled in his tongue quickly. “I remember him. No fun at all, always so serious. He really needs to learn how to loosen up.”
“I believe you can track him, Discord,” Celestia began to explain. “When he steals pony magic, a great deal of chaos magic is generated as a by-product. With your affinity to such, I believe that you can feel where he is, and then help us to apprehend him.”
“You want me to bring him in?”
“If possible, yes. I will provide you with whatever you need to complete this mission, but it is imperative that he is captured quickly. Every fleck of magic he steals makes it more difficult for us ponies to subdue him. He will soon grow too powerful for us to overcome.”
“Too bad that Tree wanted its little trinkets back, isn’t it?” he replied with a sly grin. “But let’s say I help you. What’s in it for me, hmm? What does Discord get for being such a good friend?”
“You will receive our undying thanks and gratitude, Discord,” Celestia said with some exasperation in her words.
“Oh, come now,” Discord pouted and folded his arms. “That’s the best you can do?”
“There will be parades, Discord,” Bean interjected, and both the Princess and the Draconequus turned their attention to him. “Huge parades, right down the middle of Canterlot. Can’t you just see it? There will be confetti everywhere, and large floats with huge Discords made out of papier mâché.”
Discord stroked his beard thoughtfully. “Go on.”
Looking over to Celestia, Bean could see her concerned and worried look about where this could lead, but she nodded and he took that as a cue to continue.
Bean grabbed a nearby chair and stood on it to properly wrap a foreleg around Discord’s shoulders. “And just think! There could be glorious songs written to praise your name, sonnets about your heroic attributes and daring good looks. We ponies might even commision paintings of you, and sculptures. Wouldn’t that be something, to look at a statue of yourself, rather than being one?”
“That would be rather nice, for a change,” Discord said.
“And then the feasts! I’ll get all the chefs in the palace together and we’ll cook up gobs of whatever you want. You name it, I’ll personally bake it. Shoot, I’ll make it rain chocolate milk out of cotton candy rainclouds, if you like. I’m sure Pinkie Pie and I could figure it out. And the popcorn! Mountains of popcorn, and all of it just for you!”
“Not bad, not bad. But I’m still not sold. What’s the absolute best thing you can offer to entice me?”
Bean paused for a moment, but then he smiled broadly. “Discord, if you will help us capture Tirek, then you will have Fluttershy’s thanks.”
“Oh, you’re bringing her into this, are you?”
“I am. Just imagine poor little Fluttershy, all alone in her cottage with her little animals huddled all around and on top of her in fear. Can’t you see the fear in her eyes when Tirek comes, and how he’ll hurt her when he takes her magic? You wouldn’t let him do that, would you?”
“How dare he!” Discord roared, and he shook Bean’s hoof furiously. “Bean-o, you’ve got yourself a deal. I provide the Tirek, you provide the party favors.”
“It’s a deal, my friend.”
“Thank you, Discord,” Celestia added with a nod of her head. “We are indebted to you.”
“My, it’s a shame this didn’t happen when I first broke out, isn’t it?” Discord giggled. “Celestia, indebted to me? What fun!”
“Now, what can we do to help you with this task?” Celestia’s eyes returned to him. “What will you need; what supplies can I provide to you?”
“Oh, I’ll send you the bill, don’t worry,” Discord replied with a wink before a Twilight-style mane appeared on the top of his head. “But first, I think I need to channel my inner Twilight and do some research. Won’t take long, I promise. I’ll have your big baddie back here before you can say ‘Baked Bean!’”
And with a snap of his talon, Discord disappeared.
“Baked Bean,” Bean softly said, and then he chuckled. “And I told you ponies channel Twilight, Shining.”
“Come, my love,” Celestia called with an outstretched wing. “We should eat while we wait. There is much we will need to do once we return to Canterlot, and we will need our strength.”
* * ✹ * *
Celestia couldn’t hold back her soft smile while her wing traced little lines across Bean’s back. He had tried to stay awake for as long as he could, but it was clear he wasn’t going to go for much longer during breakfast. His eyes had been droopy, and he had nearly gone face first into his hashbrowns more than once during the meal. Celestia had then gently teleported him back to the guest room before explaining the situation to Twilight, and he had remained asleep when they had made the quick trip to the train to return home.
He was trying so hard to fulfill his dual role as Prince of Equestria and husband of Celestia, and she worried sometimes that he was trying too hard. She knew it would take several years, if not decades, before he would be completely trained and acclimated to the first role, and he was performing far beyond Celestia’s wildest dreams in the second. In the short few months they’d been together, he’d proven himself to be far more thoughtful, caring, and loving than anything she could have hoped for. Her own marriage was far better than what Luna had with Star Struck at this same point in her marriage, but perhaps the lack of a proper war at the moment might account for that.
Still, her beau had not shown any of the stubborn crassness the earth stallion from the Emerald Hills had displayed all those years ago. Star Struck, in the beginning, had been obstinate and unyielding, and he would buck and bite at any change that came his way. Celestia had always thought that Luna enjoyed arguing and wrestling with him over the issue of the moment, until Luna was able to ‘convince’ him to acquiesce.
There were times the wrestle turned physical and occurred behind sealed doors, much to the relief of all who lived and labored within the palace.
But Bean? He was polite, a far better listener, and was content to simply go with the flow. This did not make him submissive, but rather, it gave him a quiet dignity and a reserved aura of intelligence. Bean had the willingness to observe and form conclusions based on things as they were, not as they seemed.
Celestia had to be fair in her musings, and she did admit to herself that she had grown to love Star in time. He had tempered out and mellowed with age, especially once their wee rascal had been born, but mostly Celestia had loved Star because he made Luna happy. If Star had gotten nosy with Celestia first, the ink for their signatures on the divorce papers would have been dry before the sun had set on the first day. With Bean, she had taken some not-so-secret delight in tossing them into her bedroom fire just before the trip to Salt Lick for the family reunion. Bean was yet to show any of the weaknesses or character flaws that Star had. Every moment of his waking hours were spent loving her and doing whatever was asked of him, without fail and without question, and even many of his nights were spent ensuring that Celestia was well taken care of.
A thrill of delight ran up her spine with the thought of what had happened last night before her horrid vision, but then another tingle followed behind it and down to her hooves. It was unlike anything she’d ever felt before, and it filled every bit of her with… with understanding, yes. Celestia had been alone with her body for centuries, and knew it intimately. Every place on her wings where feathers tended to grow in slightly bent, the little catch in her right rear leg where she had fallen down the stairs as a filly, the way her right eyebrow was ever so thinner than the left, which had made her change manestyles to cover it so long ago she could not even remember what it was like the other way. She could trace every muscle and tendon, her good moods and her crabby times, but this was not any of those. It was a feeling deep in her heart, and as she brushed her wings across her chest to revel in the sensation, she could feel...
Her wing stopped its slow circles against her barrel, and her eyes widened.
She was pregnant.
She could not deny the feeling, or could she un-think the thought.
Her. Princess Celestia. No, Celly. Was. With...
She rubbed her belly with her wings again, unable to even think the final word.
Celestia’s stomach tumbled slightly, and her breath stilled to near nothingness. For a millennia she has overseen life, guided it along and done all within her power to give it harmony and peace. She had been present for the birth of Luna’s wee rascal, and she had loved being a central figure in Twilight Starbright’s life. She had watched life progress, from within the intimate bonds of family and from her perch as the head of an entire civilization and species, for well over a millennia. It had a natural ebb and flow, broken up at times by famine and war, but it progressed all the same, renewing and reviving itself in each newborn’s first breaths right before her eyes.
But for the first time in forever, she had created life. She was not observing it, she was not gently coaxing it along. Within her, a new foal was beginning to form, to take shape and to eventually make a grand appearance in the world of Equestria.
Celestia forced herself to take slow and even breaths. One hoof reached in to touch her chest with an inhale, then move outward with the exhale. She knew from experience that panic would not help her to conquer this, just at it had never served her in the past. Logic and reason were needed, along with an impartial evaluation of what was to happen.
Yes, the thought of having a foal of her own frightened her. There was no shame in admitting it. Luna herself had panicked when Starswirl had given her the positive pregnancy results of his prognostications, and for a time, he was known as ‘the Hairless’ before graduating to ‘the Patchy.’ There were so many unknowns, so much that could go wrong and so much that would be different. She would need to adjust her schedule to accommodate her new little one; perhaps even to the point of withdrawing from teaching at her school for a time. Her young daughter would need supplies, toys, books of every sort and on every subject. A room or two would need to be requisitioned for a nursery and a classroom.
Celestia’s smile began to return with her logical ordering of needs. With logic and order came reason, and with reason came measurable and positive results. A foal. A foal of her own. A little princess that would be hers, created by her and beloved by her. Her own little Epiphany.
“Epiphany,” Celestia whispered the name to herself, and the peaceful warmth within her doubled with the additional tumble in her tummy. “Epiphany Vanilla Bean. Nilla for short.”
Her smile couldn’t be any larger if she had tried. She felt like she was learning the name of her young unborn one already, rather than creating a name of her own. She would be a magnificent Princess, one who would be spoken of in reverence and delight for centuries to come.
Celestia’s blood then turned into veins of ice when Bean snorted and shuffled a bit next to her. Celestia could not imagine her own life without Bean, let alone what bringing and raising a second life into the world would be like without him. Epiphany would need Bean as her father, just as she would need Celestia as her mother, and there was a very real chance that Tirek would... well, he might not pay any attention to just one more colorful earth pony, but he could easily harm or even kill a prince to hurt a princess in turn. Bean was in far more danger here than he realized, and she would need to send him away to keep him safe, should the unthinkable become reality. Tirek would not harm her, of course. He would remove her from her throne, but he would want revenge, and the sadistic joy he could experience from banishing her to Tartarus would be too alluring to pass up.
But Bean was nothing to Tirek, and he would be dealt with as such. Celestia never wanted to experience the agony of explaining why Bean was no longer with them.
“Celly?” Bean’s soft words broke her inward reflections and stemmed the swell of emotions running through her. “Are you crying?”
“Am I?” Celestia gently touched her cheek, and she recoiled ever so slightly. She had been crying and had not even noticed.
“Hey, hey, hey.” Bean’s soothing words came before she could reply further, and his rich baritone voice warmed the blood within her again. He gently took one of her hooves in both of his while he continued. “You have done everything you can at this point. I know it’s a bit nerve-wracking to put Discord in charge of finding Tirek, but I have a feeling he’s going to come through for us. For all of us.”
“All of us?” she repeated, her wings tightening around her sides, until she realized that he meant all of Equestria. “Oh, yes. I believe he will prove the depths of his friendship with this task.”
She dried her eyes and shook her head. Duty demanded her full attention now, and she would not shirk from it. Once Tirek was back in Tartarus, where he belonged, then Celestia would speak to Doctor Horsenpfeffer about gaining an official medical confirmation of her condition. Bean would be invited to attend with her, of course, and she smiled deeply when she thought of his reaction to the news.
“Do you think Discord has run into any problems?” Bean asked softly, his gaze on the wall. “I honestly thought he’d be done by now.”
“No need for worries, my love,” said Celestia with a soft kiss for his cheek. “Tirek is still weak and vulnerable, so his strategy must be to strike at night, where it is easier to hide in shadows. I believe Discord will set a trap for him then, and by tomorrow morning, this should all be a happy memory.”
* * ✹ * *
Baked Bean’s heart was hammering hard enough in his chest that it threatened to punch a hole in his sternum, and he could feel his Celestial Crystal bouncing with the beat. His left rear leg had taken up the scared salsa again, and he simply started at the messenger in disbelief.
“All of them?” Celestia asked with a calmness that Bean knew was taking every last ounce of willpower to maintain.
“Yes, Your Highness. Emergency medical protocols are in place, but it’s the same as the other instances. Not one Wonderbolt escaped with their magic.”
Discord, how could you, Bean thought to himself. I thought we were friends.
Earth ponies. Unicorns. And now the Pegasi. From top to bottom and from end to end, Discord had taken Tirek on a magic-stealing spree across Equestria that boggled the mind with its speed.
Bean then wrapped his foreleg around Celestia, and her wing hugged him back tightly. Her head dipped, and her eyes closed. The burden of leadership was on full display for Bean, and he hated what he was seeing.
Nopony or creature had a right to inflict such pain on his beloved wife.
“Thank you, Corporal,” Celestia replied after several long moments. “Inform Captain Armor to prepare for the worst.”
“Yes, ma’am,” the Corporal saluted, and then left the hall in a brisk trot.
“It is far worse than we feared,” Luna stated the obvious. “It seems that there is nothing that can stop Tirek now.”
“No, there has to be something,” Bean replied, and his mind began to reel. “We can’t just let him win. Maybe the Elements of Harmony can be taken from the tree, but then we put them right back once Tirek is taken care of.”
Celestia’s wing retreated. “I do not believe the Tree of Harmony will give up the Elements of Harmony, Bean.”
Bean hopped off the throne and began pacing in front of it in thought. “Well, then maybe we trick Tirek. He’s got to have some sort of weakness we can exploit. What about his brother? Maybe we could summon him real quick, and he can give us an idea of what to do.”
“Scorpan is—”
“Or maybe we steal it back,” Bean continued on with an increased pace to his steps. “There was one book I read in the archives—”
“Bean.”
“—that said there was some sort of staff that could absorb magic. Maybe we could go find that, or maybe—”
“Bean!”
“—we could use the portal to the hew-mon world, somehow. If we have magic, they must have some too, and the hew-mon Element Bearers might be able to assist us, or we could somehow—”
“BEAN!”
Baked Bean stopped dead in his tracks, and he looked to his wife with some of his hurt showing on his face. “I know they’re not good ideas, but we need to do something. I can’t just sit here and wait for Tirek to win.”
“Nor can I,” Celestia replied. “But Tirek’s defeat is not a burden that rests with you.”
Bean staggered back a step. “What do you mean? Of course it is. I want to protect Equestria, just like you do.”
“I need you to listen to me very carefully.” Celestia’s gaze was cold and absolute, and Bean’s ears splayed flat against his head while she continued. “The best thing you can do for Equestria is to leave.”
“Watch very carefully, and see what she excludes you from tomorrow, and the day after that.” Blueblood’s words began to thunder in Bean’s ears, and he fell back on his haunches in disbelief. “With every passing moment, she moves to distance you, to remove you.”
“Leave?” Bean whispered.
“Tirek is after all magic: Earth, Unicorn, Pegasus, and even Alicorn. He will come here eventually to steal our magic, and when he does, you will be in grave danger. There is a safehouse beneath the ruins of the old Castle, and you must remain there until Tirek has been taken care of. Sergeants Pokey and Clover will escort you, and I will send for you when it is safe to return.”
Bean wanted to protest. He wanted to shout, to scream, to stomp around like a petulant colt and yell at the top of his lungs. He could help, he could fight. He could summon guards, or direct the placement of troops somewhere. Leaving Celestia’s side was the worst possible thing that could be asked of him, and her suggestion that he do so left his whole body feeling numb.
But instead of doing what he felt like doing, he simply nodded. “All right. If you feel like that’s the best course of action, I’ll leave.”
“Thank you,” Celestia simply replied before turning to Luna. “Time is short, Sister. We must quickly find the spell that is needed to transfer our magic to Twilight, and she must be summoned immediately. She will then be able to hide until…”
“Sir?” Sergeant Clover tapped Bean on the shoulder. “Will you come with me, sir?”
Bean slowly stood, and his steps were laden with emotion. Blueblood had been right. He was right about the swamp water; the lack of usefulness. He was right about his Celestia wanting another.
The fire had grown cold and died on Bean without him even realizing it.
“Wysteria and Trixie will be evacuated with you, sir,” Clover called over her shoulder while they entered the hallway. “Once at the safehouse, we will be able to… sir?”
Bean had stopped, and his gaze was on one of the windows. “Sergeant, what do you think my wife’s plan is?”
“I couldn’t say for sure, sir.”
“Take a guess, then.”
Clover swallowed. “Well, Tirek probably doesn’t know there’s a fourth princess, sir. If Princess Twilight takes all alicorn magic, then he can’t steal it. How that remedies the situation is beyond me, sir.”
“I see. How long do you think it will take before Tirek sees this window when he gets here?”
Clover’s eyes followed Bean’s outstretched hoof. In bold technicolors—most of them purple—the glass before them depicted the glorious ascension of one PrincessTwilight Sparkle, in the glory that only stained glass could truly capture.
“Uh, well…” Sergeant Clover coughed. “This is in the main hallway, so within minutes, I suppose?”
“I see,” he repeated with a nod. “Now, having said that, I imagine he’s going to be rather perturbed when he finds out what my wife did. It is entirely reasonable, to my uneducated mind, that he will go after the fourth princess as soon as he realizes there is one. So, how do you feel about a little mutiny?”
“Mutiny, sir?”
“I refuse to believe the best thing we can do at this point is to hide Alicorn magic and then flee. There’s got to be more we can do, but we need time to figure out what, or at least to give Princess Twilight a chance to formulate a plan.”
“So, what are you proposing exactly, sir?”
Bean’s countenance turned grim while his gaze went back to the stained glass. “We stall Tirek as much as possible. Throw whatever we can at him, and keep him from finding Twilight if we can. I don’t know about you, but I won’t be able to look at myself in the mirror from this point forward if all I do in a crisis is hide.”
“Princess Celestia is trying to protect you, sir. Should the worst happen to the Princesses, you will be the one to take their place in ruling Equestria.”
Bean scoffed. “If the worst happens to them, there will be nothing left for me to rule over. I will spend the rest of my days in hiding, forever running from an enemy I should have faced. No, Tirek must be dealt with, now. I would rather die knowing I tried to do something, as opposed to living with the knowledge that I did nothing.”
Clover nodded slowly and with a pleased smile. “So, what are your orders then, sir?”
“Give me your spear. If I’m going to keep Tirek from learning about Twilight, then I need to remove the rest of the windows. Hopefully he’ll think it’s some safety protocol we use during invasions. You make sure Wysteria and Trixie are evacuated safely. Tell Pokey we need…”
Bean trailed off, and his eyes darted back and forth. Mentioning Trixie’s name had given him an idea, a wonderfully terrible idea that would never work.
“Sir?” Clover asked after a moment. “What is it?”
“Go get Trixie, and bring her to the carriage hangar. She’s an illusionist by trade, so she’s bound to know a few tricks we can use to stall and misdirect Tirek.”
“But what if Discord interferes, sir?”
Bean drew in a heavy breath. “Then we deal with him if it happens. Hopefully, he’ll be too busy helping his new friend to notice us.”
“Understood, sir.” Clover passed her spear to Bean, then saluted. “You have twenty minutes before I’ll be forced to return.”
Bean nodded, and his gaze went back to the stained glass window before him. He idly wondered how much it had cost to create such a masterpiece while Sergeant Clover’s hoof steps diminished, but once they were gone, he reared up slowly and squared his shoulders to the glass.
“I’m sorry, Twilight.”
The spearhead passed through the center of the colorful mosaic like it wasn’t even there. Shards of glass and metal rained down on Bean, threatening to draw blood with their descent, but there was no hesitation in Bean’s strokes across the whole of the window. Within a few short moments, all that remained of the formerly glorious art was a few broken and twisted bits of metal within an empty frame.
Bean’s efficiency against the remaining windows in the hall was astonishing. Window after window fell in rapid succession to Bean’s spear and to his lifeless, mechanical movements. Starswirl the Bearded and The Pillars of Equestria, The Rise of the Element Bearers, Luna, Cadence and Shining Armor’s wedding, the Royal Seal of Equestria. All of it and more was removed from history with broad sweeps and determined thrusts from the Prince of Equestria.
All but one, that is. When Bean stepped up to the last window, he paused. A single tear welled up and trickled down his cheek while he looked over the sunflowers, the magnificent Boop of Destiny, and his new cutie mark. It was the greatest things in his life, all in one.
Bean glanced down at his flank while he raised the spear and brought it behind his back to prepare for an overhead swing. He inhaled, and closed his eyes.
“Forgive me, my Love.”
When Baked Bean left the hallway, he was very careful not to step on any of the white or yellow glass that littered the hallway. There was a chance it would be all that would remain of his life with her.
Baked Bean had wondered, once, what it would be like to feel no emotion.
The idea had entered his head after one particularly taxing night at the Zuerst. Everything he had touched had turned into failure and ruin, and had ran the gamut from sending out a mixed-up order for the Mayor and the visiting Chancellor of the Equestria Education Association to breaking the new dishwasher and being scalded by boiling hot water when the hoses had burst.
He had wondered back then if the hair on his right hock would ever grow back, and he had sworn vengeance if he ever ran into those two shady salesponies again.
He had been sitting on his bed when the query had presented itself. What would his life be like if he could divest himself of all feeling? What would change, what would be impacted? Would he be able to do anything at all, or was the willingness to work an emotion, too?
As he strode into the hangar and watched a carriage loaded with nobility take off, he briefly reconsidered the thought. He wished he could act without emotion at this precise moment.
“Sir!” Pokey saluted, then fell into step with him. “Your carriage is waiting. Sergeant Clover and I will take you to the safe house, and—”
“Belay that, Sergeant,” Bean ordered, but then he shrunk a bit. “I can tell you that, right?”
“Yes, sir. Clover informed me of the change in plans. What are your orders?”
Bean hesitated while he watched Prince Blueblood hustle Lady Chrysanthemum and then himself into a chariot. Bean could see the terrified horror in Blueblood’s eyes, and in that brief moment, he realized that Blueblood was running scared. He could care less about what might happen to Equestria, or to those who were tasked with protecting it. His thoughts were focused in on a singular thought: life - specifically, his own life - above all else.
Bean realized he could choose the same, and for a moment, the idea had some allure. Bean could reverse his choice, and still go to the safehouse. Smashing the stained-glass windows would delay Tirek long enough for Twilight to make whatever plans she needed to. All it would take was a word, and he would be guaranteed to live another day.
“We do what we can to stall Tirek,” Bean replied to Pokey while Blueblood’s chariot took off. Bean might live if he ran, but he would never fully feel alive again if he did so. “I’ve got some ideas we can try, but I’m open to suggestions, too.”
“You’re serious about this, sir?” Pokey replied. “There is no shame in following the Princess’ orders. Nopony expects you to fight.”
“I expect me to fight,” Bean said softly, and he stomped one hoof. “If I am a prince of Equestria, I’d better be acting the part. Where is Trixie?”
“BEHOLD! The Great and Powerful Tr-r-rixie!”
Bean smiled and shook his head as all eyes turned to the entrance to the hangar. Trixie had struck her greatest showmare pose, her flowered collar having been discarded for her preferred star-studded hat and cloak which fluttered on a magical breeze. She then strode confidently up to Bean, but while she did so Bean couldn’t help but notice the difference between her eyes and Blueblood’s. Trixie was confident and assured, eager and willing. Bean could see she wanted nothing more than to be front and center in whatever scheme was being brewed, and that she would remain in the center of it until the end.
“I understand the Prince is in need of Trixie’s services?” Trixie asked smugly while casually inspecting a hoof.
“If you are willing to offer them. You’re under no obligation to do this, Trixie. If you wish to leave, then nopony will hold it against you and you’ll be escorted to safety. I can’t promise that here. My ideas could be quite dangerous.”
“Danger? Trixie laughs in the face of danger, ha-ha-ha-ha!”
“I see nothing funny about this,” Wysteria cut in from behind Bean.
“What are you still doing here?” Bean asked while he turned to face her.
“Officially, I am supposed to make sure you make it to the safehouse, under Princess Celestia’s orders. Unofficially, I’m disobeying the orders you gave me after you disobeyed your orders, but don’t tell my boss. I don’t think she approves of insurrections she’s not in charge of. Now, what’s the plan?”
“I can’t ask this of you, Wys. I would be risking your life and the life of your foal.”
“Part of the job, sir. I never expected a total and complete promise of protection when I signed up to be Celestia’s secretary. Now, do you need a strongly worded memo sent out to Tirek? I’m sure that would stop him.”
“Knowing you, it just might,” Corporal Quillpoint interjected while he walked up, and he saluted his prince. “Ready and waiting for your orders, sir.”
Bean glanced quickly at the ponies who surrounded him. This was a herd of friends he had never asked for, nor that he deserved. They had every right, in his mind, to be concerned with their own affairs and their own welfare. They shouldn’t have to deal with him, and he did not believe they should ever be expected to.
But they willingly came to him and stood by him. Even with the unspoken but obvious threat that Tirek presented, they offered their services to him.
Bean smiled deeply. “I don’t know what I ever did to deserve friends like you, but thanks. I don’t know what will happen in the end, but I know it’ll all turn out fine with all of you helping me.”
“Trixie is doing this to get back at Sparkle, for the record,” Trixie piped up. “Oo, I can’t wait to see her face when she finds out Trixie was the one who saved her flank.”
“Whatever floats your boat, Trixie,” Bean replied. “So, let’s figure this out. Sergeants, since Wysteria is here to make sure I leave, I am assuming that the guards have been given similar instructions, yes?”
“Not explicitly, sir,” Pokey replied. “But any guard who finds you within the city boundaries will report back to Captain Armor. Everypony knows you should be at the safehouse.”
“So whatever we do, we can’t do it here,” he huffed. “We need to stall Tirek outside of Canterlot. Do we know where he is now?”
“No, sir,” Clover replied. “The last report said he was at Rainbow Falls, but with Discord at his side he could be anywhere now.”
Bean tapped a hoof to his chin while he thought. “That makes ambushing him impossible, unless …” he paused, and then he brightened slightly. “Unless we know where he’s going.”
“Ponyville, sir,” Quillpoint stated the obvious. “He’ll go after Princess Twilight once he finds out about her.”
“Exactly. So, we need to set up a trap for him near there, keep him from making it all the way. Trixie, this is where you come in.”
“Oh? What can Trixie do?” she asked.
Bean’s smile turned devious. “Tell me, where do you get your fireworks?”
Bean sighed to himself while he watched the moonlit countryside pass before him, and under normal circumstances, the slight sway of the train would probably lull him to sleep.
He smiled softly with the thought of falling asleep next to his beloved Celestia, her wing draped over him like the world’s most perfect blanket and with her soft and steady breathing bringing his world back to center and to serenity. It was impossible for anything to be wrong when he found himself beside her like that, and if somepony were to ask him what the greatest feeling in the world was, he would answer it was to have Celestia’s gentle magenta eyes twinkling back at him while he drifted to sleep. They were like deep pools of comfort that stretched into infinity, and a small tear crept out of the corner of his own eye when he realized he may never see them again.
He couldn’t let anything happen to them, though. Even if her love had died out for him, he would never stop loving her, and he would do anything to protect her; to care for her.
For a moment, he wondered what she was doing right then. Had she summoned Twilight yet, or was she still in the archives, searching for the transfer spell? Had she noticed the havoc he’d created in the hallway, and if she had, was she mad at him? He hoped she wasn’t mad. She had every right to be, of course, but maybe she would see why he had done it, and when she did she would again proclaim that he was a very clever pony, worthy of her praise and adoration.
He could even accept her saying nothing. If he could see just one little spark in her eyes, one hint that there was still a spot in her heart for him, no matter what had been or what was to come, that would be enough. He could be content with Blueblood being right, so long as there was still one small ember of love for him.
A knock on the door broke his thoughts, and Bean offered a tired smile to Wysteria and Trixie while they walked in. “Good evening, ma’ams. What can I do for you?”
“We just received some news from Sergeant Clover, sir,” Wysteria replied. “She and Pokey were able to round up a few more guards, but the numbers are still low. We’re looking at five pegasus, six unicorn, and four earth pony guards. They’re en route to the rendezvous point and will commence with Operation Ever Free once they arrive.”
“What about Private Lemon Tart?”
“She is one of the new additions, sir.”
“Good. We’ll need her flying skill.”
“Trixie has just received a reply from her contacts in Baltimare,” Trixie added. “They have sent out every last firework they have, and we are scheduled to meet with that train at Dodge Junction in two hours.”
“That doesn’t give us much time, does it?” Bean sighed. “We’ll have to be fast. How are you holding up, Wys?”
“Oh, I feel like a piece of gum that’s been chewed on for too long and should have been spat out hours ago, sir; so not too bad.”
“And Quill Junior?”
One of Wysteria’s hooves reached up to rub her stomach. “He’s doing fine. He’s sitting right on my bladder at the moment, so I may need to duck out on you.”
“Please do. I’m serious about the offer to evacuate you, too. Just say you want out, and I’ll have Quill Senior take you away.”
“Not happening, sir. I may be a bloated lump, but I’m still your secretary and somepony needs to chronicle your heroic exploits, at the least.”
Bean scoffed, and his eyes drifted back outside. “Or my spectacular failure, brought about by my own idiotic choices.”
“I don’t think that’s your destiny, sir. This feels right to me. You’re choosing to take a stand, and to protect the ponies under your care. This is what Celestia would want, even if she’s saying something contrary to it.”
“I hope so,” Bean softly replied to the yellow reflection he saw in the glass.
“Heroic choices are never easy in the moment, sir. It’s a difficult thing to ask others to risk their lives for you, and for others. But I know, without a doubt, that the ponies who are following your instructions have faith in you, and they believe in your skills. I know I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t believe.”
Bean turned back to Wysteria with a small smile. “Thanks, Wys. When all of this madness is over, and if I’m still Prince of anything, consider Quill Junior’s education paid for.”
“I appreciate that, sir. I’ve already got the pamphlets.”
“Trixie, thank you too. No matter how this ends, I’ll make sure you receive the bits you need for a new wagon, and I’ll absolve your debt for the carriages. You’ve paid the crown back and then some with what you’ve done.”
“Trixie accepts your offer, on one condition.”
Bean chuckled slightly. “And what is that?”
“Trixie also wants a statue erected in her honor. A big one, too, that details all of Trixie’s exploits and heroic deeds for all of Equestria to see.”
“I’ll see what I can do. Would a stained-glass window be an acceptable substitute? I’m going to be buying them in bulk when this is all over.”
“Trixie would prefer a statue,” she huffed, “but if that is the best you can do, Trixie will accept it.”
“Why are you really doing this, Trixie?” Bean flatly asked. “You could have just slipped away in the confusion, or gone to the safehouse. You’re not staying here just for fame and glory.”
“Trixie has no idea what you mean,” Trixie replied quickly, her eyes unable to meet Bean’s stare directly. “Of course Trixie is here for the glory. Imagine the crowds that will pack in to see Trixie once she has helped to save all magic!”
“I can have Wysteria step into the next railcar, if that will help.”
Trixie then made eye contact, and all of her bravado was stripped away from her in that glance. Her shoulders slumped, and a great sadness swept over her face.
“I’ve done a lot of things that I’m not proud of, My Prince,” Trixie softly started. “And I’m sure you know all about them. I … I love the crowds, I always have. The cheers, the smiles, the air of delight and awe that came with my performances was - and is - wonderfully intoxicating. There’s something magical about seeing a filly or colts’ eyes light up in amazement, or in seeing their grandpa smile with pleasure when they see the joy of their grandchildren. I love to see two ponies talking to each other, trying to figure out how The Great and Powerful Trixie managed to perform her latest and greatest achievement. There’s a … well, a proud joy, that builds right here,” she touched her heart with a hoof, “and that feeling is one I’ve never found anywhere else.
“But when my usual tricks began to falter, and when the crowds thinned out, I became desperate. I embellished my achievements, to the point where I stopped performing magic entirely. Then Sparkle exposed my lies, and then she had to stop me when I used the Alicorn Amulet. I realized after that little incident that I had lost what I really wanted, and I wanted fame more than I wanted that joy I’d first felt. I tried to go on the road again, but I couldn’t bring the joy back. The only thing ponies remember is my defeats, and as you saw at Neighagra Falls, I get heckled and humiliated everywhere I go.
“I’m standing with you to prove I’m a different pony now,” she continued, her head lifting slightly with pride. “I don’t want ponies to remember my failures; I want them to see what I am now. I want to have my crowds see that I still can be great and powerful, and I want to feel that joy again. I want to see that look of awe and adoration once more, and I want to bring happiness again. Perhaps it’s all selfish, but it’s what feels right to me.”
Bean nodded slowly. Given that his own actions were being fueled by a desire to regain Celestia’s love, he could hardly be critical of Trixie’s motivations. But something she had said was tickling his brain and teasing an idea out of it ...
“But Trixie still wants to rub her success in Sparkle’s face, of course.”
“You just had to keep talking,” Wysteria muttered and shook her head.
“Trixie,” Bean asked, “what happened when you had the Alicorn Amulet?”
Two pairs of eyes went wide in alarm, and Trixie shook both her head and one hoof in rejection of his thought. “Oh no! Don’t even go there, sir. Trixie could not help being cruel and mean when she wore the amulet, and the only pony who can take it off is the pony who wears it.”
“But Twilight managed to convince you to take it off,” Bean countered. “If Twilight does have all alicorn magic, and then that gets amplified by the amulet, she should have more than enough to blast Tirek back to Tartarus, right?”
“In theory,” Wysteria replied, but with her doubt heavy in her voice. “Then she’ll destroy Equestria when she’s done. You’ll be swapping one problem for another that’s even worse.”
Bean’s eyes darted back and forth as he thought. “Maybe. If Twilight puts it just as she starts to fight Tirek, and then pulls it off as soon as she defeats him, then it could be done. With the amplified magic, she should be able to defeat him in just a minute or two, right? That’s not long enough to corrupt her.”
“Yes it is,” Trixie cut in. “The amulet corrupted Trixie even before she put it on. It used dark thoughts of revenge to draw me to it, and I spent every last bit I could beg, borrow, or steal to acquire it. Then I put it on, and all I could think of was power. Retaliation. Domination.” She shuddered. “This is a bad idea, Bean. Very bad. It’s not worth the risk to gain the power.”
“All of my ideas have been bad up to this point, you’ve gotta admit,” Bean countered.
“Yes, but don’t you have a better bad idea than this?”
“What if this is the best bad idea I’ve had, by far?” Bean sighed heavily. “I get that it’s not ideal, but it might be the one thing that tips the odds in our favor. Wys, when we get to Dodge Junction, we’ll send you ahead to Ponyville. Twilight would know better than anypony about the amulet, and she could tell you if she thinks she can handle it. At the very least, you can appraise her of our plans, and she can adapt to them as needed.”
“I’ll do you one better, sir,” Wysteria replied while she stood. “I can write a letter to Twilight right now. That gives her enough time to reply and to tell you the fifty-seven reasons why using the amulet is the dumbest idea short of giving Blueblood a mirror.”
“Fair enough.” Bean nodded. “Do it.”
This was it.
At long last, Triek was about to reclaim all that was rightfully his, and these pitiful ponies would finally know what true power was. All that remained was the magic of the alicorns, and once he had that, he would be unstoppable.
It was only fitting, then, that he make his grand entrance into the Throne Room by simply smashing the doors in, ripping what remained clean off the hinges, and then throwing them aside. He sneered as he approached the three princesses, but he wasted no time in crossing the room, and his ill-gained magic lifted Celestia from the throne in gleeful anticipation. She had tried to strike a defiant pose, but it was all for naught and they both knew it. His mouth opened wide, he began to inhale …
But no magic was forthcoming.
He stalled for a moment in confusion, but then his fury boiled over. “What have you done?!”
Celestia then stuck out her tongue at him. “Nyah nyah,” she taunted in sing-song, “Tirek wants my ma-a-agic, but I don’t ha-a-ve it!”
Tirek promptly dropped Celestia and grabbed Cadence instead, which seemed to enrage Luna beyond belief. “What about me!” she shouted while quickly going nose-to-nose with the beast. “You come storming in here and try to steal my sister’s magic, but I’m not good enough for you? I will not be ignored! Come here and try to take my magic, you big bully! Just because my pretty pony sister doesn’t have her magic, doesn’t mean you should assume I lack it too! DON’T LOOK AT ME IN THAT TONE OF VOICE, MISTER! I’M IMPORTANT TOO, YOU KNOW! This is the whole reason I became Nightmare Moon after all! All of my pretty ponies pay attention to my sister and ignore me just because I don’t have magic, JUST LIKE YOU’RE DOING NOW!!”
Tirek growled under his breath while his magic cast her aside, but she continued to rant while he attempted to take the magic from Princess Cadence. When that failed as well, he threw his arms up in frustration, and his anger doubled. “WHERE IS YOUR MAGIC?!”
“Where is my magic?” Cadence repeated with a sad and tired scoff. “Heh, don’t we all ask that? Aren’t we all nothing more than conduits, letting it flow through us while we wallow in the delusion that we control it, instead of it controlling us? No, my Shining Armor tells me he can make a shield, but it’s really the shield that makes him. Without that, he would be nothing, and that makes me married to nothing, and then I must be less than nothing.”
“HEY!” Luna shouted. “Celly, stop that right now!”
“Woo!” Celestia whooped in delight, and Tirek found he was having a hard time keeping his thoughts straight while Celestia spun herself like a top, her wings clipping the back of Luna’s head as she did so. “Lulu, lighten up! You’re always so angry!”
“I’ll show you angry!” Luna hollered in reply, but her off-balance attempt at tackling Celestia ended with her skidding across the floor, much to the older sister’s amusement. “Get back here, Celestia! I’m not taking second place again! You always win!”
“That’s because you’re such a klutz! Klutzy Lu, Klutzy Lu!”
“I AM NOT!”
“..but then, when I said I wanted to dye my mane black, do you know what he said?” Cadence asked, and Tirek’s eye twitched. “He said, ‘Cady, you’re so naturally beautiful that you don’t need to change.’ But I feel so dark and empty inside sometimes, and I just want to run away from it all.”
A crash and another angry shout from Luna finally snapped what little patience Tirek had in the first place. With one quick surge of magic, he ripped open a portal to Tartarus and gathered up the three oddly-behaved alicorns. Luna continued to take swipes at Celestia with her forehooves, Cadence simply pouted and moped, and Celestia began to giggle furiously.
“Is Tartarus far enough away from it all for you?” snapped Tirek with a sadistic sneer.“Give my regards to Cerberus!”
“Your magic tickles.” Celestia squirmed a bit. “But not like my Bean’s tickles. I want him back. Where did he go?”
Tirek growled again, and with a casual flick of his wrist, the Princesses of Equestria were sent to the very place Tirek had spent his imprisonment for over a thousand years.
“Aw, such a shame,” Discord replied while leaning against the damaged doorway. “I was quite enjoying that. Do you think they’ll do an encore performance if I ask nicely?”
“I did not come here for their foolish theatrics!” snarled Tirek. “I came for their magic! Where have they hidden it!” He paused and growled, “Where is this ‘Bean’ that Celestia spoke of? Is it some sort of magical vault?”
“No, just Baked Bean, a little earth pony who blundered into becoming her husband. Delightful cook, by the way. He’s been coming to tea on Tuesdays, and he makes the most delicious tea cakes and scones. Really, you need to try one sometime.”
Tirek’s scowl deepened. “Celestia is married?!”
“Goodness, where have you been?” Discord chortled, and he walked out into the hallway with Tirek. “I mean, there’s a big window that shows it right…”
Discord blinked when he saw the lack of stained glass in the window.
“Right where?” Tirek folded his arms tightly.
“Bean-o, what have you been up to?” Discord asked while he inspected the shattered glass on the floor with a magnifying glass. “This is not your usual chaos.”
“Do you know where this Bean is now?” Tirek demanded. “Surely he would know where their magic is.”
“Oh, he’s probably hiding somewhere. He’s just a common earth pony, and he can’t do a thing by himself.”
“Are you sure he poses no threat?”
Discord straightened and faced Tirek directly. “Why? Don’t you trust me?”
“Of course I do. That’s why I’m giving you this.” Tirek removed a medallion he’d been wearing, and he smiled as he tied it around Discord’s neck. “This was given to me by someone very close to me. I give it to you as a sign of my gratitude and loyalty.”
“Oh, my!” Discord exclaimed while he took the medallion in hand and looked it over in wonder. “I do love a good accessory. I suppose that’s Rarity’s influence.”
“So, where can we find Celestia’s husband?”
“Hm. Hard to say, really. I’m sure Celestia sent him somewhere safe. It would crush her if anything happened to him.”
“If you do not know then simply say so,” Tirek snapped, but then he smiled. “But no matter. Since he is useless, we do not need to concern ourselves with him. With the Princesses out of the way, we can now move forward.”
“Oh, yes.” Discord replied with a chaotic grin. “But first, I suppose you would like to meet Princess Twilight Sparkle.”
Tirek paused for a brief moment, but then he grabbed Discord by the throat in rage. “There’s a fourth? And you did not tell me this?!”
“I just needed some assurance that you truly considered this a team effort,” Discord replied while he admired his medallion again. “And now I have it.”
“So, where do we find this fourth princess? Where is her castle?”
“Castle?” Discord burst into laughter. “No, Princess Twilight lives above a library in Ponyville!”
“Then it is time we paid her a visit,” Tirek replied with an evil grin, and he rubbed his hands together in glee.
Bean snorted when the train rattled to a stop, and he rubbed his eyes quickly. He hadn’t remembered going to sleep, and he groaned in both pain and annoyance with himself as he stood.
“Fine leader you are, Bean,” he grumbled while he flexed his injured fetlock and walked to the door. “Just had to fall asleep at a critical time and leave your work to others. It’s a wonder they bother to follow you at …”
Bean stalled out as he pushed the train door open and beheld the scene on the platform. At first glance, it appeared that every pony in Ponyville had somehow crammed into the small area, and hundreds of eyes turned to him in an instant.
A confused chorus of voices then broke out, each overlapping each other with enough worry and volume to prevent Bean from hearing them clearly. He didn’t really need to hear them, though; he could guess what they were asking, and why Tirek was still on the loose.
It would be what Bean would ask, if he were in their place.
“My apologies, My Prince,” Sergeant Pokey offered from Bean’s left. “I flew ahead to advise the town to evacuate, but they gathered here instead. Maybe you can convince them to disperse.”
“I can try, I suppose. Everypony, please!” Bean held up his front hooves, and the crowd slowly grew quieter but still restless.
“Is Tirek still loose?” a pony shouted from somewhere in the back.
“He is,” Bean replied, and a wave of murmurs cascaded across the crowd. “Everypony! Listen, please! For your own protection, I need you to evacuate the town. Tirek is on his way here, and if he finds you he will steal your magic too. Sergeant Pokey and Clover can lead you all to safety, but you must leave now! Do not worry about your belongings; the threat to your welfare is too severe.”
“Where’s Princess Celestia?” another pony shouted out. “She should be protecting us!”
“Yeah, and Princess Luna!” a third voice added, and murmurs of agreement passed between the crowd.
“The Princesses are …” Bean hesitated. He wanted to tell the anxious faces before him that his beloved wife was doing everything in her power to protect them, or that a brilliant plan had been set into motion that would solve all their problems.
But the lie just wouldn’t come. “I don’t know what has happened to Princess Celestia, or to Princess Luna. I am acting against their direct orders. But I do know you are all in danger here, and that you need to evacuate.”
“How do you, the Prince of Equestria, not know what has happened to the Princesses?”
The voice was young and comically squeaky, but the command behind those words were enough to silence the masses. The eyes of the crowd then turned to the source — a little dark blue colt with a pair of menacing, piercing amber eyes — but Bean simply groaned and rubbed the side of his head with a hoof.
“Flint!” a soft indigo mare pushed her way through the crowd, and in one swift move she scooped him up by the nape of his neck and deposited him firmly between her front legs. “My apologies, my Prince,” the mare, clearly the former dragon lord’s pony mother, bowed. “He’s just a little scared—”
The colt didn’t break his stare with Bean, and he visibly bristled in defiance at the mention of being afraid.
“—like we all are,” she quickly added.
“It’s alright, I can—” Bean began to reassure her before once again being cut off by the little cretin.
“Answer. The question.”
Bean realized that the little beast would know where and how to strike, and when it would be most advantageous for him. But, even for his brash lack of social decorum, Flint’s words seemed to be resonating with the crowd. The silent question that was on everypony’s mind, expressed by their waiting and pleading looks, weighed down on Baked Bean until he felt the world shrink down to the point on which he now stood.
“The Princesses…” he began before hesitating, “are doing ...”
He couldn’t do it. As much as he might want to excuse away the actions of his wife, the growing confusion and fear mixed with the looming danger that was the Lords of Destruction and Chaos demanded Bean tell them what they needed to hear: the truth.
“Princess Cadence, Princess Luna, and…” he hesitated, swallowed hard, and forced himself to finish the sentence “and Princess Celestia are no longer able to help us.”
How it was possible to hush an already hushed crowd Bean would never know, but it needed to be said, no matter what.
“I don’t even know what has become of them, at this point.” Bean’s throat was dry, and his posture was beginning to strain as he forced himself to stand taller than he ever had before. “But I refuse to allow Tirek to continue stealing magic unopposed. Ponyville stands alone as the last location of magic, and I will do whatever I can to protect you and to defeat him.”
The citizens of Ponyville glanced at each other and began to murmur, but the moment was summarily broken by a cold chortle that turned into a derisive laugh.
“Is this funny to you?” Bean asked the maniacal foal. “Just can’t wait to watch me fail?”
Flint’s chuckles subsided with a sigh before he once again snapped to his default anger. “Hardly. I was promised vengeance, Highness, and now your wife has denied me my chance. Is it not rather odd how she seems to be useless when any sort of problem arises in her kingdom? One would almost think she fears dealing with things herself.”
“Stop it,” his mother scolded him. Despite the obvious shock on her face, it was clear she was as used to chiding her young troublemaker as she was breathing. The admonition seemed to have no effect, until she added a soft and plaintive “please?”
Her overture of desperation caused him to crane his neck to face her, and Bean felt a small smile tug at the corners of his mouth. It was small, and short lived, but Flint’s hard expression changed, ever so slightly, into tenderness and concern for his mother.
Celestia’s ability to read a pony’s body language was rubbing off on Bean, it seemed.
“Look, these are desperate times.” Bean found his voice and began addressing the crowd once more. “I don’t think any of us have ever experienced such a threat to our lives, and had things be so uncertain. I wish I had some magic words, or some sort of spell that would take care of everything, but I don’t. All I can do is offer my best efforts to protect you, flawed and faulty as they may be.”
There was a pause as the town contemplated his words, and Bean could hear hooves shuffling across the timbers of the platform. Inwardly, he begged for just one pony to leave, for if one did than the rest of Ponyville would too.
“This is...Ponyville, Prince Bean,” said a gray earth mare from the crowd. “We don’t need to be protected. We live near the Everfree.”
“We played host to Nightmare Moon’s return,” said a brown coated stallion with a green tie.
“We also survived the Parasprite epidemic,” said a red maned mare, a spark flaring to life in her eyes.
“Got through the return of Discord,” a mint green unicorn mare added, a laugh accompanying her own intense and defiant expression. “Twice, even!”
“We even had a regular pony become a princess, right here in our town.” A wall eyed pegasus mare added with a smile.
“And ah couldn’t help but notice,” the familiar twang of Applejack’s voice cut through the air while she stepped up. “Princess Twilight was not in the list of defeated Princesses!”
Murmurs of agreement and pride began to swell through the crowd while Applejack stepped forward and stood beside the Prince.
“Truly. We are down three princesses, but we still have ours,” Rarity proudly added while she joined Applejack and Bean.
“And we have a Prince!” Pinkie added with a quick bound up to her friends.
“A Prince who cares about us just as much as the Princesses do,” Fluttershy added meekly, but her head was held high and proud as she, too, stepped forward. “A wonderful prince who just needs a little help from his friends.”
Bean had no idea how it happened, but the formerly shivering masses were now a foaming mass of hope and determination. How did that happen? Why were they all looking at him?
Rainbow Dash then soared above them all in her typical dynamic fashion. “Yeah! Tirek wants Equestria? He’s gotta go through us!”
“Yeah!” hollered a hulking pegasus from the back, and he thrust both hooves into the air.
That was the tipping point, and Bean sat in dumbfounded confusion as the town erupted into cheers. “No! No! You all need to evacuate! There is no telling…”
Bean’s words of protest faltered and failed. Somehow, by some inexplicable means, his little rebellion was spreading and growing like the break of dawn. With a shake of his head in disbelief he scanned the crowd of ponies, but he saw the same thing, no matter where he looked. Each and every pony held their own sense of purpose, pride, and …
Yes. There was hope. These ponies really believed they could stand up to a fanatical monster and win.
Bean’s eyes moved back to Flint, but when their eyes met, the colt’s bemused expression tuned into a devious smirk.
Had the former dragon overlord planned this? Had he known that his words would embolden the population?
“Well, sir,” Wysteria said with her own contained smile, “it appears we have an army. What are your orders?”
Bean glanced back to Flint, and he shook his head when he saw the little miscreant’s smile grow from smug to diabolically delighted. He had one on him now, and Bean simply nodded. Much as he might regret it, he knew he owed Flint a solid, and that there was no way Flint would forget.
“This just keeps getting better and better,” Bean muttered. “All right. Let’s get to work.”
Ponyville’s Town Hall - or, ‘The Super Fortress of Freedom,’ as Rainbow Dash had insisted it now be called - proved to be an ideal watchtower and staging grounds for the upcoming fight with Tirek. Bean, Quillpoint, Wysteria, and Trixie had taken up positions in the cupola of the building, and each of them kept a silent vigil over the road to Canterlot.
There was nothing for Bean to do now but wait and sip the tea that had been provided by Mayor Mare. Wait, and worry, and second guess the decisions he’d made. It was easy to do, really, since he had no combat or leadership experience. He’d snapped off orders and made assignments, but were they any good? What if everything he had done was making it easier for Tirek to get what he wanted?
There was a small part of him that hoped he was wrong. He wanted everything that had happened to be just one big misunderstanding on his part, and that somehow all of the reports that had come in had been inaccurate, or that perhaps he had heard wrong. He was asking ponies to put their town, their businesses, and their very lives in harm’s way, and the thought of what damage could be wrought made his stomach churn in pain.
“Still no word from Twilight?” Bean asked in an effort to relieve the tension.
“Nothing, sir,” Wysteria replied while she looked out over the empty fields with her employer, taking a quick sip of her own tea. “Nopony knows where she disappeared to, and nothing at the Castle of the Two Sisters has been disturbed. If she does have the Princess’ magic, it’s possible she’s gone somewhere remote to practice controlling it.”
“I’m sure that’s what she’s doing,” he replied softly. “You and Trixie were probably right about the amulet, anyway.”
“And don’t forget it,” Trixie added smugly while Sergeants Pokey and Clover dropped down out of the sky, landed, and saluted.
“Sir!” Pokey spoke first. “Operation For Ever Free is good to go, sir. We await your signal.”
“For Ever Free?” Bean raised a brow at the sudden addition before smirking. “Rainbow Dash, again?
“Yes, sir.”
“She didn’t pick a name with ‘Awesome’ in it?”
“Yes, she did, sir. Twice, actually. But we made her change it.”
“Right.”
“We await your signal.”
Bean nodded, but then he gave a cold and blank chuckle. “Heh, I didn’t even realize it.”
“Realize what, sir?” Clover asked.
“Five friends: Clover, Pokey, Trixie, Wysteria, and Quillpoint. It’s like I tried to recreate the Elements of Harmony, but I pulled the souffle out of the oven too soon. That would make us, what? The Elements of Kinda Harmony? The Wannabe Elements?”
“Given what we’re doing, I’d go with the Elements of Disaster,” Quillpoint offered.
“We’ll go with that,” Bean nodded sadly. “Let’s see. Wys, you can be the Element of Nausea, and Trixie, you’ll be the Element of Pride. I can be the Element of Cowardice, I suppose.”
“What if I want to be the Element of Cowardice?” Trixie asked. “I’m just as afraid as the rest of you. Besides, you’re bound to be the Element of Idiocy, Your Highness.”
“Who’s the more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows him?” Bean asked. “Besides, I called dibs. And now I’ve lost my place.”
“To be fair, we’re all idiots for going along with this, sir,” Quill offered. “So I’ll take Idiocy.”
“Confusion,” Clover said quickly. “It’s alliterative.”
“Pokey, how about Stubbornness?” Bean offered. “That seems to be up your alley.”
“Stubborn it is, sir,” Pokey replied with a nod, and his wings flared out with Clover’s. “We’ll see you on the other side.”
“Quill, are your unicorns in position?” Bean asked while the two pegasus guards took flight, and Quill nodded.
“Yes, sir. Ready and waiting, sir.”
“Wys, last chance. We can still get you and Trixie out of here.”
“Not happening, sir. When I get done with Nausea I’m claiming Stubborn all to myself.”
“Hey, no stealing Elements,” Bean said with a mirthless chuckle. “You’d better get into position, Corporal.”
Quillpoint snapped a quick salute before he trotted to the stairs, but Bean couldn’t help but notice the way Wysteria’s eyes stayed focused on him. She appeared thoughtful, and perhaps a bit forlorn, and it only took a moment for Bean to realize what Wysteria was thinking.
There was a chance that it would be the last time she saw him.
“So, Wys, how is your relationship with Quill, by the way?” Bean asked gently, once Quill was out of sight.
“It’s getting better, sir. A lot better. I just need to work a few of those odd quirks out of him, and then I might be able to make something out of us.”
“You do you realize he’s a stallion, right? A mare weds a stallion because she thinks she can change him, and a stallion weds a mare because he thinks she will always remain the same, and they’re both wrong.”
“We’ll see,” said Wysteria while pressing a hoof against her side. “It’s good for a couple to smooth out those little quirks together.”
Bean offered a smile that was the exact opposite of what he felt. “Maybe I should try something like that with Celly, then. I’m bound to have a few quirks that need to be removed.”
“A few?” Wysteria winked at him while she took another sip of tea. “Curiously, I believe she would be rather disappointed if you did get rid of them, sir.”
“How so?”
“For the vast majority of her life, Celestia has had everything a pony could ever want, and then some. With a nod of her head, the world would be laid out at her hooves. She has power, prestige, fame, and popularity. The most exquisite food and succulent drinks a pony could dream of are always at her beck and call. Really, there is but one thing she’s never really had. Love.”
Bean shook his head. “All of Equestria loves her.”
“All of Equestria loves Princess Celestia,” corrected Wysteria. “You love her. The mare inside the golden cage, the golden runny egg yolk in an over-easy egg.” The secretary took another longer drink of tea and swallowed hard. “Excuse me, sir. Junior doesn’t like eggs.”
“The uncommon love of a commoner,” Bean noted, and Wysteria nodded.
“And with that, honesty. Loyalty. Devotion and dedication in the most genuine sense of the words. You give her things the nobility could never provide, even if they went insane and decided they wanted to try. Your quirks prove that there are no entanglements, no backroom deals, no smoke and mirrors, and no underhooved plans waiting to be put into motion. Perfect cannot exist in her world without deception and duplicity. To her, your impurities mean you are pure.”
Bean contemplated what Wysteria had said. It was something so mundane, perhaps too mundane to be true. But with her putting it out there, it was enough to give him a sliver of hope that he truly was overrea—
“Here he comes,” Trixie casually said, and she pointed out Tirek’s position on the horizon.
With the serenity of the moment now irrevocably broken, Bean swallowed and forced himself to behold his doom.
Bean’s stomach twisted at the sight of him. His massive bulk did not match up with the pictures that the book had shown Bean, but then again, the pictures had been nothing more than sketches. Were Bean to walk straight up to him, he would probably stand at half his height, based on the outline that he could see from such a distance; the result from already stealing the magic of countless ponies, without a doubt.
Bean felt his anger overriding his nervousness. Tirek had the magic of his ponies, his friends, and his family. He began to seethe as he thought of his parents, scared and huddled together under one of the tables at the Zuerst, wondering why their son and their daughter-in-law had allowed this to happen.
“I suppose it’s safe to say our secret is out,” Bean said without his eyes leaving the massive wall of mean coming into town. “Has anypony seen Mayor Mare?”
“Right here, your Majesty.” The silver maned pony stepped up from the stairwell. “Everypony is in position and ready for your signal.”
“I wish I had something inspirational to say,” Bean remarked. “Something that would inspire courage and proud defiance.”
“You already did, sir,” Wysteria pointed out.
Bean smiled softly to that. “I suppose I did. C’mon, let’s get this over with.”
Bean, Wysteria, and Trixie then quickly made their way downstairs, out of the building, and across the main plaza without a word. Once they reached the edge of town, they all simply stood in the middle of the road and waited.
“So, how long do you think it’ll take him to overpower us?” Bean casually asked while Tirek continued his steady approach.
“Trixie actually believes we have a fighting chance, Your Highness,” Trixie replied, and Wysteria nodded in agreement.
“You two need to quit being so optimistic. It’s infectious.” Bean replied with a short chuckle.
Nothing more was said, and Bean closed his eyes. He thought of the soft warmth he had come to enjoy during the daily rising of the sun, and how perfect the world was when he felt the downy softness of her wing pulling him into her silken coat. He remembered her laugh, and how it always managed to cure any ill he had been feeling.
Mostly, though, he remembered her eyes. He had to fight back a soft sob while he recalled the depths of emotion that were forever in her magenta perfection. He had heard the eyes were the windows to the soul, and her soul would was always one of concern, of dedication, of cheerfulness and of love.
He wished he could see them now. Just one glance would give him enough courage to attack Tirek by himself.
Bean didn't need to see Tirek's approach due to his earthshaking tread, but he knew when the abominable monster had halted his forward motion. His eyes slowly opened, and then they traveled up.
He swallowed hard, and he made a mental note to have a word with the illustrators of that book. Their proportions were all wrong; he’d be amazed if he managed to reach Tirek’s knees.
“Prince Baked Bean,” Tirek stated flatly, his arms crossed.
“Tirek, Lord of Vordak and Haydon ... good afternoon. As the duly designated representative of the Kingdom of Equestria, I hereby order you to cease any destructive activity, return all illegally obtained pony magic, and return forthwith to your place of imprisonment.”
Trixie scoffed. “Yeah, that oughta do it. Thanks very much, Bean.”
Tirek’s low and amused laugh sent some loose stones near Bean’s hooves to jumping. “You dare to tell me what I can and cannot do? Who are you to deny me and my right?”
Bean squared his shoulders and he gave what he hoped was a defiant stare. “I am a Prince of Equestria, Stallion of the Sun and the Beloved of Celestia. Her word is my word, and my word is hers. Return what you have taken, and we will be lenient with you.”
Tirek outright laughed at this statement. “You are an even bigger fool than I had supposed.”
“Return the magic, or I will be forced to take it from you.”
Tirek’s smile flipped upside down, and a large sphere of magic began to build in between his horns. “I fail to see how you will achieve your goal.”
Bean smirked. “You may have all the magic of Equestria, making you the most powerful centaur on the face of the planet, but we have something you will never possess.”
“I have more power than you could ever imagine. What do you have?”
“We have a Flint,” said Bean right before a furious blur of fighting foal launched out of a nearby bush and clamped down on his ankle.
“Die, you tyrant wannabe!” screeched the former dragon king through a mouthful of ankle hair. “I’ll rip your leg off!”
Tirek glanced at the the small attacker, then fixed Bean with a skeptical glare. “You must be desperate. You intend to defeat me with him?”
Bean shrugged. “No. I just wanted to distract you.”
A high-pitched whistle then split the air, but before Tirek could react, a large purple-tailed firework slammed into the side of his head and exploded in a cascade of blue sparks that looked suspiciously like Trixie giving a smug grin.
“Ha! Did you see that?!” Pinkie Pie shouted with a snorting laugh while Tirek staggered and roared in fury. “Quill got him right in the ear!”
“You dare to—”
Tirek’s declaration of impending destruction was cut off when another firework, launched from somewhere in town, hit him in the chest and forced him back a step.
“Last chance, Tirek!” Bean shouted, but the would-be overlord simply whirled and glared at the small yellow pest.
“I will make you pay for this insult!”
“Always the hard way with villains, isn’t it?” Bean shook his head. “Fine, I’ll pay. Open fire!”
Five firework rounds then slammed into Tirek, hitting him in various points on his chest and along his barrel. A battle-cry of deep defiance then rang out, and before Tirek could properly process what was going on, he found himself in the middle of an onslaught.
For a bunch of peasant ponies, they were surprisingly accurate and extremely well armed. Fireworks continued to scream into him, exploding in a colorful array of lights and thunderous waves of sound when they did so, but they were joined by a barrage of cupcakes that splattered in his face and rendered him blinded by frosting for a moment. Pinkie Pie chortled and giggled like a maniac while continuing her assault, and Bean wondered where she was getting her ammunition from and how she managed to throw so quickly.
Bean, Wysteria, and Trixie were forced to retreat when Tirek stumbled forward, but Bean pumped a hoof in the air while he did so. “Big Mac! Now!”
“EEYUP!”
Big Mac and three other stout earth ponies then rushed Tirek’s position while pushing green snowplows, and in quick succession, the four of them crashed into the back of Tirek’s legs. The action quickly reduced the plows to scrap, but it was enough to knock off Tirek’s balance and send him crashing to the ground.
Bean’s hopes rose with his adrenaline levels, and as Applejack ran by him with a rope as thick as his leg and long enough to wrap around Applejack’s barn twice he quickly followed to assist. Before Bean could blink, Applejack had one of the massive hooves wrapped up, but as they both ran the rope to the next one, Tirek stood and forced the two to abort their attempts and retreat.
“You infernal ponies!” Tirek bellowed, but the rest of his rant was cut off by a barrage of large apple pies, each somehow managing to hit him right in the face. Tirek quickly wiped away the sugary mess with both hands, and he prepared to incinerate the several pieapults that had appeared from nowhere, and the ponies who were reloading them as well.
They managed to fire again before Tirek could finish working his magic, and Bean could feel Tirek’s headache forming in his own head with the distinct ring of a hard metal object reverberating through the air on one of the impacts.
“Pinkie! Where did you get an anvil?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Where do you get all these pies from?!” Pinkie replied with an accusing stare. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’ve been saving all the ones I’ve been giving you!”
“Heh, what?” Rainbow replied while Tirek shook off the attack and blocked a firework with his hands. “I just happened to have a lot of extra pies lying around, y’know?”
Bean then let out a sharp whistle while running sideways, and he yelped in alarm as the hairs of his tail begin to burn while he outran the destructive beam that Tirek had aimed at him. “Salsa Picante! Now!”
There was a sharp twang, and a bright red splat of every extra hot salsa, burning spice, and flaming pepper on hoof in town suddenly appeared on Tirek’s face. He shrieked in pain while stumbling backwards again, but this gave Bean the opening he wanted. Bean quickly rushed forward to again grab the loose rope, and while Tirek rubbed his eyes and shouted unintelligible threats of death and revenge, he moved from the front hoof to the back.
“Darling, quick!” Rarity called out, and Bean felt the weight of the rope lighten a little with her levitation magic assisting. “Let’s teach this brutish oaf some manners!”
Bean and Rarity managed one wrap around Tirek’s rear leg before they were sent flying by a surge of red magic, along with all of the other exposed ponies in town.
“I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS INFERNAL NONSENSE!” Tirek roared, and with one quick blast, he reduced the pieapults to rubble. “You will give me your magic! NOW!”
“No way!” Bean hollered back. “You didn’t say the magic word!”
“Then I will rip it from your cold, lifeless—”
Tirek, once again, did not get to finish his sentence. A lightning bolt hit him right in the flanks, and just as he reached back to swat at the cause of the pain, another bolt hit him in between the shoulders.
“Let him have it!” Pokey called out.
Tirek then found himself underneath the most intense lightning storm Equestria had ever seen. Dozens of clouds, each steered by two pegasi and ‘coaxed’ into unloading their stored energy by two more pegasi jumping on the tops in unison, rained down an electrifying torrent of pain that could not be avoided or negated. Tirek simply hunched over and huddled in on himself while the bolts continued to unleash into his hide, and more fireworks began to join in with the assault, turning the bolts the most intense shades of blue, green, and orange that had ever been seen.
Bean was sure he was just about as shocked as Tirek was, but only in a figurative way. The attack seemed to actually be working, and Tirek had been fought down to a standstill! Once again he rushed forward, and this time he found both Wysteria and Trixie beside him on the rope. A short smile was shared while they ran to the next hoof and dodged the stray bolts that didn’t quite hit their mark, but they had to hesitate when they found Flint still attacking Tirek’s ankle.
“Flint! Get out of here!” Bean ordered.
One glance from the berserk colt and Bean knew he wasn’t going anywhere. Flint instead took a brief moment to climb up to Tirek’s hock, produce a potato peeler from his mane, and then he resumed his attack with furious, repeated stabs.
“Forget him!” Trixie shouted. “He wants to get zapped, let him!”
Bean shook his head and grabbed the rope, content to let the ‘king’ have his moment. Soon, all four hooves were securely tied off, and one step would send Tirek face first into the ground.
Bean and the two secretaries then retreated, but once they felt like they were a safe distance away Bean turned to look at the chaos he’d created. Sparks were flying from the lightning bolts and the fireworks, another large red splat had appeared in Tirek’s face, Flint was shouting his own threats and promises of vengeance if anything happened to Celestia, and several ponies were moving new pieapults into position and loading them with fresh boysenberry bullets.
“We’re doing it, y’all!” Applejack’s twang rang out above the din, and Bean’s heart swelled with joy and the hope that maybe they could stop Tirek. “Keep it up! He can’t fight us all off at once!”
Bean should have realized right then that such a hope was based on nothing more than illusion.
His joy and elation quickly turned to horror when Tirek straightened, opened his mouth wide, and swept a beam of un-magic across the pegasi operating the lightning clouds. With one rapid inhale, the magic of the attacking pegasi and the magic they’d put into the storm clouds was drained away, and he cried out in alarm while they all tumbled to the ground en masse.
A few more pies were launched, along with another firework barrage, but Tirek simply stood and took the abuse with a smile while he grew even larger from his newly acquired magic. Then, with nothing more than a glance, his magic lashed out in large bolts, striking the pieapults and igniting the caches of fireworks, forcing the ponies who had been using them to flee and cover.
“No, no!” Bean shouted, and he ran over towards one cache that had not fully been destroyed. A bright flash then pulsed through the whole town, and in an instant, everypony found themselves locked within large iron cages, unable to do anything more than shout and scream.
“Well!” Discord announced, while he strode onto the scene and wiped his paws. “I do have to admit that was delightfully chaotic, but I think we’ve had quite enough now. Except for him,” he pointed to Flint, who had lost his potato peeler and had reverted back to chewing on Tirek’s leg. “That is just too hilarious! I just have to let him keep going!”
“Discord!” Fluttershy cried out. “Why are you doing this? I thought we were friends!”
“Oh, we were. But Tirek offered me so much more than tea parties. Surely you saw this coming.”
“I didn’t!” Fluttershy sobbed while Applejack held her in a comforting embrace. “I really didn’t!”
Tirek then chuckled with wicked delight while his magic levitated the cage that held the Elements of Harmony. It took only a moment to drain away their magic, but as he did so, everypony noticed that Discord looked away.
Tirek then cackled slightly while he grew even larger, and he threw the cage with the now powerless ponies at Discord’s feet. “Do you really think she’d do anything for them?”
“If Twilight has magic to give, it will be yours. Soon, there won’t be a pegasus, earth pony, or unicorn who will be able to stand up against us.”
“US?” Tirek replied while his magic surged to life again. “Who said anything about us?!”
“You did!” Discord pointed out with wide-eyed surprise, but Tirek’s magic seized him and hoisted him into the air.
“You helped me grow strong,” Tirek said with wicked glee. “You have provided the means by which I can obtain Princess Twilight’s magic. And now, you are no longer of any use to me.”
The collectively imprisoned ponies gasped and cried out while Tirek tore the magic from Discord with a glint of pure evil in his eyes. It only took a moment for the dastardly deed to finish, just as it had been with all the others, and once he was done Tirek simply dumped Discord and began to walk away.
“But!” Discord called out while his trembling talon took Tirek’s medallion in hand. “You said this was a sign of your gratitude and loyalty; a gift from someone close to you.”
“It was my brother’s, and he betrayed me,” Tirek replied with a sneer before looking over his shoulder. “It is as worthless as he is.”
“Surely you saw this coming,” Applejack called out to Discord from within her cage.
“I didn’t!” Discord replied forlornly, and he gazed at the medallion in horrified wonder. “I truly didn’t!”
Tirek then began to walk away, but a whistling shriek pierced the air just before one last firework exploded across his lower back. With a stomp of his forehoof, Tirek rounded on the cage where the blast had come from, and he glared furiously at the defiant yellow pony within, who was attempting to light one more firework.
“YOU!” Tirek roared, and he ripped open the top of the cage. “I have had enough of you!”
Bean then suddenly found himself within the clutches of Tirek’s beefy hand, and movement became impossible from within it. Bean gagged and gasped for air, but Tirek’s grip was unyielding, no matter how hard Bean pushed against his crushing grip. He was determined to fight to the end, however, and just as Tirek brought him up to eye level Bean bit down hard on Tirek’s hand.
Tirek simply chuckled in satisfaction, and Bean realized he’d have more luck trying to bite a rock. This was it: the end had finally come. Tirek possesed the magic of the Element Bearers, and all chaos magic now. His plans had failed.
He had failed.
“You’ve proven yourself to be tenacious, I have to admit,” Tirek said while a ball of magic formed between his horns. “But you never had any chance of defeating me. You’re just a pony, after all.”
Tirek then opened his mouth, and Bean shuddered and sputtered while his magic was taken from him. It felt like Tirek was removing everything that made him Baked Bean all at once, and he was helpless to stop it. All of his energy, all of his drive and motivation, even his very core felt like it was ripped clean out of him, leaving nothing but a cold emptiness inside.
“How does it feel, Prince Bean?” Tirek mocked while he grew even taller and stronger with a crackle of energy. “I have taken everything you hold dear. Your wife, your loved ones, your friends, your magic, and your citizens. Everything you’ve ever cared about is gone, and you’ll get to die knowing that it’s all your fault.”
Tirek then hoisted Baked Bean into the air, so that all could see how far the former chef had fallen.
“Behold! Your Prince!” Tirek thundered, his voice seeming to echo throughout the whole of Equestria. He then drew back, and with a smooth, swift pitch, Bean was sent flying.
Time seemed to slow for Bean while he sailed through the air, but he had to smile. He had heard that a pony’s life would flash before their eyes just before they perished, but the only memory that was coming to him was the flight he had shared with his beloved during their first visit to Salt Lick. He could feel her soft arms around his chest, and hear the beat of her wings that matched the beating of his heart. He could feel her breath in his mane, and he heard her perfect laugh in his ears.
He then frowned as he realized his own impending end was not what frightened him. As his trajectory turned downward, he found that the thought of never seeing his beloved again was the most horribly frightening thing he could think of. Tears streamed from his eyes while he watched the ground grow larger beneath him, and he had three words upon his lips that he wished he could share.
“Will you stop with that infernal tapping already?” Luna snapped with a lash of her tail.
“Why?” Celestia cheerfully replied, and she resumed tapping on the chain that held her bound with an increased tempo. “Isn't this a lovely beat?”
“Nay, it is not. It reminds me of when Brilliant Idea showed us that ‘mechanical’ pencil invention of his.”
“And I would still be clicking it to this day, if you hadn't fed it to that Urlock.” Celestia pouted. “I think that poor thing is so grumpy because he’s still trying to swallow it.”
“Do you think Shiny could be convinced to move here?” Cadence asked with a small smile. “It’s so delightfully dark here, and wonderfully depressing. It’s the first time I’ve felt a place speak to my inner emptiness.”
“I swear, Cadence,” Luna snarled, “if you mention another word about depression, blackness, or anything else like that, I will personally stuff a rainbow down your throat.”
Celestia giggled furiously, and she clamped both hooves over her mouth. “Rainbow stuffing! Mmphf! Ha!”
A bright flash of light pierced the very air around them, and the three alicorns sat up in surprise as a large cage appeared on a nearby rocky platform, with a weak and sickly-looking Tirek trapped within. The chains that held the Princesses bound then melted away and evaporated, and Celestia breathed in the delightful scent of victory while she felt her magic and her strength flow back into her.
“She did it,” Celestia whispered with a laugh and a smile while Luna and Cadence gasped and drank in the rush of energy. “Twilight has found her place.”
“Ugh!” Cadence shivered and ruffled her wings furiously while doing a little dance on the tips of her hooves. “I most certainly do not want to go through that again.”
“It wasn't so bad,” Luna replied with a devious smile. “I found the whole affair to be most enlightening. Or, perhaps I should say ‘en-shadowing’?”
“We must never speak of what happened to us,” Cadence replied with a blush. “Ever.”
“Oh,” Luna pouted, “but you would look so lovely with some black eyeshadow and piercings at the tips of your ears. Perhaps you and Shining could get a matching set?”
“Never. Again.” Cadence dropped her face into her hooves. “I don't even want to think about the jokes Shiny would come up with.”
Cadence’s aunts shared a laugh, but then both crossed their hearts with their hooves.
“We both Pinkie Promise to never speak of this again,” Luna offered.
“Except for Bean. I think he should be told,” Celestia offered with a quick waggle of her eyebrows. “But we’ll also have him promise to keep it to himself.”
“We should return to them.” Cadence flared her wings with her fellow alicorns and all three took to the air. “I don't know about you, Aunt Celly, but I want to grab my husband… um, pull him into a tight embrace, and never let go. Yes, that's it.”
“Indeed,” Celestia replied with a deep smile. “I am most eager to reclaim my Bean.”
But as the three rose towards the light of Equestria, Luna couldn't help herself.
“You could always add just one streak of black to your mane, you know.”
“Absolutely not!”
Celestia let loose a nicker of delight while her wings propelled her towards her Beloved. She had it all planned out: first, she was going to entice Bean out of the safehouse with some teasing laughs and gentle summons, and then she was going to tackle him when he rounded the corner to the old throne room, and then she would hold him as closely as she could for as long as possible. Tickling would certainly be involved. And kissing. Lots of kissing. Enough kissing that he would blush right down to the roots of his adorable ears and complain, although not too loudly. Even in her recent less-than-ideal mental state, she had pined for his love and his loving embrace, and now that all was well, there was nothing that would keep her from that delightful and delectable yellow stallion and his world-altering kisses.
That was until she heard a deep rumbling, and a bright rainbow burst out of the Everfree Forest and touched down at the outskirts of Ponyville. The origin point appeared to be where the Tree of Harmony was located, and all three Princesses halted in mid-air.
“Aunt Celly? What is that?” Cadence asked.
The answer showed itself before Celestia could reply. Before their eyes, and to their great astonishment, a giant crystalline castle fairly exploded up and out of the ground, and the three alicorns shared an “ooh” together while they flew towards the new structure.
“It would appear that your most faithful student has unlocked the chest,” Luna observed while they touched down in front of the new glittering building. “And now, all the Princesses of Equestria have a castle to call their own.”
Celestia felt like she might burst with joy. She had always known that Twilight Sparkle would achieve her own greatness in due time, but now that the time was here, she couldn't help but be proud.
“Do we need to worry about him?” Cadence asked, and she trotted over to a small blue foal who was clinging to a nearby tree branch like his life depended on it, and was chewing on the bark with all of his might. “Hey little guy, how’d you get up here?”
“Why don’t you slag off, and mind your own-GAH!” A sudden snap of the branch sent the little colt tumbling down, only to be snared in Cadence’s aura.
“Whoa! Don’t worry, I’ve got you.”
Flint growled softly. “When my day of reckoning comes, you and yours will be spared,” he grumbled before being hefted into her arms.
“I appreciate that very much,” she giggled before giving him a nuzzle. ”C’mon, let’s go find your mommy.”
“Perhaps if you dropped him it may improve his disposition,” Luna dryly suggested.
Flint answered this with a contemptuous hiss. “No such quarter shall be granted to you, moon hag. And let me go! I have laid waste to countless civilizations; I'm more than capable of finding my own ‘mother.’”
“It’s probably best to do as he requests,” Celestia replied with an amused shake of her head. She then began to mentally organize a list of things she would need to do before she could properly celebrate the week-long party that Pinkie Pie was bound to produce, and she put one particular entry at the very top with a smile.
☐ - Recover one husband. ☐ - Find a private location. ☐ - Tell Bean about Epiphany.
Twilight and her friends then popped in with a flash of light, and Celestia smiled all the more when she beheld the new and colorful transformation Twilight and her friends had undergone. While she would need to confirm what she suspected, she was confident that the Elements of Harmony - or the power of the Elements, perhaps - were once again available to ponykind.
Celestia then started to congratulate the Element Bearers, but the words were cut off when Applejack gasped.
“Great hopping horny toads! Where’s Bean? Bean!”
Five ponies then galloped past her at full speed, their appearances having reverted back to normal, and Celestia watched them for a moment before returning to her former student.
“Twilight?” she asked calmly despite the leaden lump that was building in her stomach. “Is everything all right?”
“Quick!” Rainbow Dash’s voice cut through the air. “Derpy, Flitter, Cloud Chaser! You’re with me! We gotta find him!”
“I don't know what’s going on,” Twilight offered in bemusement while the reunited princesses watched Applejack and Pinkie Pie dash off towards the Everfree with a small gaggle of ponies on their tails. “I thought Prince Bean was at a safehouse.”
“Perhaps Bean disobeyed your orders?” Luna remarked while pointing to several scorched and pie-splattered buildings in town, one of which was still on fire. “I have not fought a proper war in a thousand years, but if this is not a battlefield then I am a goat.”
“This is a priority search!” Pokey’s voice rang out. “Execute search pattern alpha, no separation! Move out!”
“Bean?” Celestia softly questioned while a platoon of pegasus guards followed Pokey into the woods. There was a quick flash of golden magic, and Celestia was gone.
“What happened?” Twilight asked herself while she surveyed the damage Ponyville had suffered. “I thought I asked for everypony in town to go hide!”
“Twilight, darling!” Rarity called out with a furious beckoning motion of her hoof. “You know how I hate to intrude, but I do believe that we are in need of your organizational skills!”
“What’s going on?!” Twilight demanded while the three Princesses joined the frazzled fashionista and a nearby group of about ten ponies, but Rarity shook her head in reply.
“It would take too long to explain, and Prince Bean is in grave peril. Simply put, he rallied the town against Tirek, but he was thrown into the Everfree by that boorish brute before he stole our magic. We need to find him.”
“Baked Bean fought Tirek?”
All nearby eyes went wide in alarm, and the group slowly turned to face Princess Celestia. Somehow she had reappeared behind Cadence without alerting anypony, and Rarity chuckled nervously.
“Ah, well, you see, he didn’t fight by himself, Your Highness,” she stammered. “We all helped him.”
Celestia’s stance widened, her chest began to heave wildly, and her nostrils flared. “Bean… was… thrown?”
“I’m sure he’s just fi—” Rarity began, but she got no further.
“SERGEANT CLOVER LEAF!”
The Sergeant appeared in a flash of golden magic, and she nearly flew face first into Cadence. Celestia’s magic instantly snagged the hapless guard, and Clover would have saluted, if she had the ability to move. “Princess Celestia! Nice to have you back, ma’am.”
“Where. Is. My. Husband?”
“Y-your husband?” Clover stammered dumbly. She had never seen her liege so unsettlingly livid.
“Yes. My husband. Your charge. The one whom you swore to protect with a most solemn oath. The one I specifically ORDERED you to keep safe.”
There was the distinct smell and sound of hair being burnt, and the poor Sergeant shrunk back a bit from the barely contained fury before her. “Um, we’re not one hundred percent sure at the moment, but we believe he is somewhere in the central part of the Everfree. We last saw him on an arching trajectory heading towards—”
Clover was dropped, and Celestia disappeared once again.
“All right. We need to get a grid pattern set up,” Twilight announced, and her magic grabbed a nearby stick to begin drawing in the dirt. “Otherwise we’ll get lost ourselves while we look for him. Now, I think I can calculate Bean’s likely landing place, and we can use that as our staging point.”
A low, mournful, and impassioned cry then rose up from the Forest; a forlorn howl that came from a voice that was usually regarded to be the polar opposite of such a thing.
“BE-E-E-EAN! WHERE ARE YOU?!”
“We must act swiftly,” Luna said. “My sister will not last long without him.”
Several days passed, but to the dismay of the entire kingdom, there came no trace of the wayward Prince.
In the wake of a victory over one of the most destructive and cruel tyrants Equestria had ever known, there should have been grand celebrations and spontaneous parties that proclaimed the gratitude of ponykind to the Elements of Harmony, but such could not be while the worst was feared for Celestia’s love. The very sun itself seemed reluctant to move, lest the mare who controlled it missed one clue, one hint of a sign that the one she had grown to treasure above all had been where she was seeking.
Even in the newly formed Crystal Castle of Ponyville, the situation felt sullen and grim. Each passing hour chipped away at the hopes of the search parties that ventured into the Everfree after their Prince, and though none wanted to admit it, the citizens of the fair town began to feel in their hearts that the worst had happened.
It was in this most abysmal light that Twilight’s friends - and Applejack, in particular - decided that a frank assessment of the situation was needed with the newly christened Princess of Friendship.
“But what if she doesn’t listen to us?” Fluttershy asked while they made their way to the new throne room.
“She will,” Applejack replied. “She just needs to hear the truth.”
“I don’t think she’s going to like it, though.”
“That may be,” Applejack said as the reached the main doors. “But she’s gotta do something, right?”
There were murmurs of agreement to this, but they were reluctant and hesitant. Applejack then nodded, and she pushed open the doors.
“You alright there, sugarcube?”
Twilight snorted herself awake, and her head dipped dangerously close to the crystal table in front of her before she caught herself and looked back up. “Yes, Applejack, thank you. I’m fine.”
“You sure don’t look it,” the farmer noted while everypony entered the room. “Have you slept at all since Bean disappeared?”
Twilight nodded and yawned. “Of course I have. I was able to catch a lovely fifteen minute power nap out in that big foyer-looking area with all the flags a few hours ago.”
“And before that?”
“Oh, I slept … in the …” Twilight paused, her eyes unfocused for a moment, but then she shook her head and snapped back to reality. “Well, it doesn’t matter. Even if I did have the time to sleep, I have no idea where the bedrooms are in this place.”
“You can’t go on like this, sugarcube. Ah know we’re all plum tuckered out, but ponies have to rest sometime. Even alicons.
“Look, Twilight,” Applejack began by removing her hat and placing it on the table while her friends took their respective seats. “Ah always did like Bean; he was a good stallion and when the time came he stepped up, and then some. He made us all proud. But ...” she stopped and looked around with her hooves tapping on the table for a moment before she continued, “but even if he was the heartiest of earth ponies, there ain’t no way he would have survived that fall.”
“But we still would have found …” Fluttershy spoke up, but she choked slightly on what she was implying.
“True,” Applejack said with a nod. “We would have found a trace of him, and maybe that is cause for some optimism. But let’s be real here, there are things that are in those woods that would carry off a pony and other things that would pick it clean. Even if he had survived somehow, he would’ve been snapped up by a timberwolf, more than likely.”
Silence overtook the room.
“So you’re suggesting we give up?” Twilight asked after a moment, with a cold note in her words.
“No. Not at all,” Applejack said resolutely. “Ah meant what Ah said. He deserves to be found, in whatever shape he is in, even if it is to give him a proper send off.” She returned her hat to her head. “But we owe it to ourselves to see to other matters, too.”
“So we should scale back the search, then?” Twilight added thoughtfully.
“Ah’m thinkin’ so. Three days in the Everfree, even without the fall, is too long for anypony. He’s … he’s bound to be dead.”
“Are you willing to tell the Princess that?” Rainbow pressed.
“It wouldn’t be the first time Ah was handed bad news, Rainbow; nor the first time Ah had to give it. I’ll do it.”
The silence that overcame them was deafening.
“Fluttershy?” Twilight dared to interrupt. “Has there been any word from Discord?”
Fluttershy frowned, and her gaze went to the table. “He’s still very ashamed for what he did—”
“Good,” Rainbow added bitterly, but Rarity placed a hoof on her shoulder and frowned to prevent any further comment.
“—but he … he won’t say much else to me, other than to apologize. I get the feeling he is looking for Bean, in his own way. I don’t even think he’ll rest until Bean comes back.”
Twilight rubbed her face with a hoof. “I don’t think anypony will rest until we find Prince Bean. Even the volunteers are refusing to sleep.”
A knock on the chamber doors interrupted the conversation, and at Twilight’s invitation, Private Lemon Tart stumbled into the room. She removed her helm and bowed to the Princess, but for a moment, Twilight was afraid Tart wouldn’t be able to pick her head back up again.
“Search Group Foxtrot reporting in, Princess. Sector fifty five has been cleared.”
Twilight’s magic picked up a nearby wax pencil, and she put a large X on a map that was spread before her. A few papers and scrolls then floated over, and Twilight shuffled them for a moment before writing on one of them.
“Did you find anything at all, Private?” Pinkie Pie asked.
“Frogs. Mosquitos. A few dragonflies. Peat moss.”
“That’s better than Search Group Tango,” Twilight chuckled mirthlessly. “They stumbled into a nest of chimeras, with newborns. I was told Bon Bon only needed three stitches, and Lyra insists she’ll regain her hearing in a day or two.”
“What are your orders, Princess?”
Twilight took a long look at the Private. Her eyes were sunken, bloodshot, and hollow; her coat was nearly covered from withers to hooves in mud and dirt, twigs and branches were hopelessly tangled in her mane and tail, and her armor looked like it was beginning to rust in places.
“Is the rest of your group outside?” Twilight asked.
“Yes, ma’am. They’re ready and rearing to get back to the search. Oh, I was also supposed to report that Doctor Whooves is still working on the calibration to his ‘Bean Counting’ machine. I still have no idea how that’s supposed to find the Prince, but I did promise to relay the message.”
“Thank you, Private,” Twilight replied with a glance over to Applejack, who nodded slowly. “I think the best thing to do for now is to get some rest. You’ve all been putting in long hours, and you need to take a break.”
“Understood, ma’am,” Tart replied with a sloppy salute. “I’ll tell Foxtrot they have half an hour, and then we’ll start on sector fifty six.”
“No, wait. I said you and your group need to rest. Have the local ponies go home for the night, and you go find a bed. I’m sure there’s one around here somewhere. I’ll have you report back at oh-six hundred tomorrow morning.”
Tart didn’t move, and Twilight worried for a moment that her words had knocked out what little sense remained in the harried guard. There was a slow blink, and then confusion, before the reply came.
“But what about Bean, ma’am? We need to find him.”
“Yes, but you’re not going to find him in the state you’re in. Really. I have plenty of patrols still out, so you can take a break. Please don’t make me order you.”
“Very well, ma’am.” Tart replied, and her eyes drifted to the floor. “I’ll tell everypony to regroup at oh-six hundred.”
“Thank you, Private. You may go.”
Tart then simply shuffled out, and the doors closed softly behind her.
“Y’see?” Applejack pointed to the door. “That’s exactly what Ah’m talking about!”
“I know, I know,” Twilight groaned. “But you saw how disappointed she was! I feel so horrible about telling them to stop. They’re desperate to find him.”
“Just like the Princess is,” Applejack observed. “Celestia ain’t even returned to Canterlot yet. She spends all her time out in them woods. Shoot, Ah think she’s felled half of the trees in the Everfree in her desperation. Do we even know if she’s been taking care of the sun like she should?”
“I know she has been,” Twilight replied with a wry smile. “Princess Luna isn't covered in hives.”
“Still, she can't go on like she’s been doing. C’mon, she was your teacher. Can’t you talk the Princess into taking a break? If she did, the rest of them would follow.”
“Would you take a break if it was Big Mac out there?” Twilight hunched over the map, and she made a few marks to indicate where the search parties should be. “Neither will she.”
“Twilight, she’s starting to scare the searchers,” Applejack stated with the concern heavy in her voice. “The way she acted when that hydra ate that Pokey feller ... ah didn't even know there was a spell to make one of them critters dump the contents of their stomach that way. And so rapidly.”
“She’s not the only one that’s taking this badly. Sergeant Pokey had to be tied down to his hospital bed, otherwise he’d be back out there. And Sergeant Clover hasn't been seen for …” Twilight paused and she quickly looked over some papers, “thirty-two hours. I’m worried about her, but she told me she wouldn’t be back until she found him.”
“I think Celestia scared the applesauce out of her when she first found out Bean was missing.”
“A fact I greatly regret,” Celestia said while she strode into the room, and the Element Bearers stood and bowed. “Please, there’s no need for that. You are right, Applejack, my behavior was most unbecoming, and I should not have allowed my anger to flare out of control as it did. I will make amends when I can, but at this moment I am in need of your help, Twilight.”
“Of course, Princess! What do you need?”
“I believe I have a scrying spell that can find Bean, but I do not possess enough power on my own to make it effective.”
“But, all of our other scrying spells haven’t been able to penetrate the overgrowth and the trees. What did you do to compensate for that?”
“Another time, Twilight. Please. I will share everything I have done with you, but we must find Bean first. I am greatly concerned for his welfare at this point.”
“Oh! Right, sorry. Let’s go.”
“Applejack, could I ask a favor of you as well?” Celestia asked.
“Sure thing.” Applejack smiled. “Just name it.”
“Garbanzo and Lima are due to check back in with their search party in ten minutes. When they do, will you please escort them to Town Hall? Once we determine Bean’s location, I want them to accompany me for his retrieval.”
“Ah’ll make sure they get there, Princess.”
“Thank you,” Celestia replied.
The two Princesses of Equestria then made their way towards the exit with calls for good luck from the group, and Twilight took a few moments in the ensuing silence to evaluate her revered teacher and personal friend. Celestia had been out searching for Bean nearly non-stop, usually with a search party but a few times by herself. Applejack had been right to worry about Celestia’s mental and physical well-being; Twilight was sure the Princess hadn’t slept since the search began. She would insist the searchers eat and drink before she did when meals were prepared, and now that Twilight thought about it, it was very possible that Celestia had eaten as often as she’d slept.
“This is a fine castle you have been gifted with, Twilight,” Celestia remarked while they approached the main doors. “I would greatly appreciate you taking me on a tour, when all of this is settled and resolved.”
“I would love to, Princess. I’d just need to figure out where everything is first.”
A wan smile came to the solar princess, but Twilight couldn’t help but notice the deep lines that had formed in the corners of Celestia’s eyes and along her cheekbones. They made her look so depressed, so dejected.
So old.
Twilight had never been able to envision Celestia as anything other than her eternally youthful self, but for the first time, the everlasting bringer of the day began to look her age, and it broke Twilight’s heart anew.
“Um, Princess? Can I ask you something?” Twilight quietly asked while her magic opened the main doors of the castle.
“Of course, Twilight. What is it?”
“Have you slept at all since Bean disappeared?”
Celestia faltered, but just for a moment. “I have not, Twilight. I doubt that I will be able to do so until I have recovered my Bean.”
“You do realize that there’s a good chance he’s … um …”
“I refuse to believe that,” Celestia stated firmly, and her face hardened into a scowl of determination. “He would not leave me, nor would I leave him, for any reason. He is out there, and he awaits our rescue. He may be disoriented and confused, alone and injured, but he is there.”
“Are you mad at him?”
Celestia didn’t get a chance to answer. Luna landed before them at that exact moment, and she nodded quickly before falling in step with her fellow alicorns. “Everything has been prepared, Sister. Cadence awaits us, and she has a scrying crystal that has been cut and calibrated according to your instructions.”
“Did you review my notes?” Celestia asked, and Luna nodded again.
“Indeed. To my eyes, you have done no wrong. Perhaps you should allow Twilight to review the formula, though.”
“I’ll look it over only if it doesn’t work,” Twilight replied with a shake of her head. “I’m sure Princess Celestia got it right.”
“Then come. We must make haste.”
The remainder of the trot to Town Hall was in determined silence, but when they entered the main meeting hall, Twilight paused. A large, pewter colored crystal stood in the center of the room, easily standing at her height and shining with a clarity that she’d only seen in the Crystal Heart. Cadence stood nearby and she gave a quick hug to her sister-in-law, and then Twilight noticed her brother was drawing some rather intricate runes around the base of the crystal.
“You’re going to amplify the scrying spell by synchronizing four spells into one,” Twilight observed while she looked Shining’s work over.
“Yes,” Celestia replied. “The crystal should be able to provide the amplification we need to penetrate through the forest and allow us to find Bean quickly. Shining Armor, are the runepaths ready?”
“Just about … got it,” he announced, and he stepped back to admire his handiwork. “That should do it.”
“Thank you. Cadence, Twilight, may I impose upon you one more time?”
“Of course!” Cadence replied, and she quickly moved over to one of the rune circles that had been created.
“Are you assuming that I will help, Sister?” Luna teased while moving over to another circle. “There is no need to ask, for it is a foregone conclusion?”
“Luna, I am so sorry! I should have—”
“You are just too easy to tease sometimes, Celly,” Luna cut her off with a sly grin and a wink. “We both know you never need to ask for my assistance.”
“Thank you, dear sister,” Celestia replied while she moved to her own spot. “Twilight, are you prepared?”
“Shining, you really should have used a potrubie hlavný pattern, not a splynutie.” Twilight replied while she studied the runemarks in front of her. “You could gain a twelve percent increase in output if you had … oh.” Twilight smiled sheepishly when she looked up and saw everypony staring at her. “Right. It’s fine, the amplification factor is well beyond what you need.”
“I’ll remember that for next time, Twily.” Shining chuckled.
“Let us begin. Remember to focus all your thoughts on Baked Bean while the spell is being cast,” said Celestia. “This should only take a minute, at most.”
Four alicorns brought their magic up to full power, and in unison, four alicorns aimed a magical stream of energy at the crystal before them. The runemarks on the floor began to glow and pulse with energy, and it only took a moment for Twilight to feel the same surge of power that she had felt when the totality of alicorn magic had been gifted to her by her fellow Princesses.
For a brief moment, Twilight’s concentration was broken when she heard Cadence gasp and saw her falter slightly from the surge of magic, but she quickly regained her composure and stood tall, and by appearances, she was giving this spell everything she had. Twilight then forced herself to think of Baked Bean, of his visit to Ponyville and when she had first met him in Canterlot. She thought of both weddings he had shared with Celestia, and how happy her teacher had been in those moments. She thought of how that happiness had grown and ingrained into not only Celestia, but outwards from her and to all of the little ponies she served, day in and day out. She thought of the immense loss Equestria would feel if Bean was no longer the Prince, and she fought back a sniffle when she thought of the personal agony she would feel if Bean was no more.
The crystal before them began to glow, but instead of producing a clear picture of Baked Bean or his location, the crystal simply became cloudy and full of darkness. Twilight felt her confusion building, but she doubled her effort to pour magic in, and she began to grunt and sweat slightly from exertion. Maybe, with just a bit more energy and magic, the spell could penetrate through whatever was blocking out Bean, and …
“Watch out!” Shining Armor yelled, and he managed to form a shield around the crystal a mere instant before the whole of it cracked and shattered like a broken mirror. Without his shield, shards of razor sharp crystal would have been sent flying in all directions, and Twilight smiled deeply when she saw that her brother had flung himself between his wife and the potential explosion.
“I don't understand.” Celestia’s magic conjured up a large blackboard covered in magical, elemental, and mathematical symbols. “I accounted for everything. The crystal should have shown us where he was.”
Twilight stepped up next to her mentor and looked over the work. At first glance, she could see no fault in the work, and Celestia had been most meticulous in her calculations.
“Why did the crystal explode?” Luna asked, and she poked at the shards with a hoof.
“Too much power,” said Cadence. “I bet you did what I did; when the crystal became clouded, I forced more of my magic into it. It was too much; and the resulting overflow caused the cataclysmic failure.”
“But we should have seen something before that,” Twilight said while pointing to the board. “There’s nothing wrong with this. The only reason the scrying spell would have failed is if he were—”
There was a loud, crashing thump just before Sergeant Clover Leaf burst through and careened off the doors leading in, and she skidded to a stop on her face. Twilight and the other Princesses were instantly at her side, and all four gasped when they saw her condition.
Most of Clover’s armor was missing, and the claw marks that raked her barrel made it clear she had not been separated from her accoutrements willingly. Her helm was battered and gouged, her mane was half burnt and half torn from her scalp in large patches, one wing was bent in an angle it was never meant to be in, and she desperately clung to something with chipped and cracked hooves.
“Prince … Bean …” Clover managed to get out, but then her eyes rolled back in her head. Her grip gave out with her consciousness, and a scroll rolled out while Shining Armor rushed to aid his fallen comrade.
“Twilight, quick!”
“How is she?” Celestia asked, and Doctor Horsenpfeffer sighed while she gently shut the door.
“She’ll live, but we’re going to need to keep an eye on her. Thankfully, the staff here is top notch, and I actually went through residency with Doctor Stitch, so I know she’s in good hooves. I'll have her stay here in Ponyville for a few days while she stabilizes, and then we’ll get her transferred back to Canterlot.”
“Good. I have lost far too many guards in my lifetime.”
“But you have yet to lose a husband, and I would hate to see that streak end already,” Horsenpfeffer replied with a nod towards the door. “Go find him. I'll be ready and waiting for you both here.”
Celestia nodded and smiled quickly before teleporting back to the town hall. The broken crystal had been cleared away, the runemarks had been scrubbed, and the blackboard had been erased and filled with a crude map of the Everfree. Shining Armor and Sergeant Pokey had been discussing something, but the conversation died with their snap to attention and crisp salutes.
“I thought you were still supposed to be in bed,” Celestia said to Pokey while she looked over the fresh bandages around his barrel, the splint on his left wing, and the cast on his left rear leg.
“Not happening while my charge is missing, ma’am.”
“He ripped the restraints from the bed,” Shining Armor added. “They were still around his fetlocks when he arrived here.”
“I see.” Celestia nodded to the map. “Have you found him? What did that scroll say?”
The two guards exchanged a look between them that Celestia instantly feared.
“They were coordinates, ma’am. I think it would be best if we took you there,” Pokey answered.
~*~
Celestia was sure she would stop breathing at any moment.
The coordinates had led them deep into the Everfree, until finally they had come to a small thicket of thorns and pricklebushes that were growing near a pond that was no wider than Celestia was tall. There was still no Bean, but what they had found was even worse.
“The divots here indicate he came in pretty fast, and at a somewhat shallow angle,” Pokey said softly with a nod to the apparent landing site. “And we can pretty well see which trees he hit on the way in. The, um, tracks in the dirt parallel the bloodtrail, and they are those of a chimera. We think there is a nearby nest that came to investigate, and it may be that is what caused the injuries to Sergeant Clover, but we haven't been able to confirm anything yet.”
Pokey paused, and both he and Shining Armor swallowed hard. “Princess, I'm afraid we have no choice but to conclude that the Prince was killed by the chimera, or that he perished upon landing and his body was taken. There are no hoofprints or any other signs that would indicate that Prince Bean left here under his own power.”
Fire roared in her mind, an all consuming blaze that could devour the world, and in particular, every infernal chimera in the forest. They dared to consume her Beloved? For that, they would burn with fire eternal, and the world would gawk and tremble at the blazing pit her rage would leave where there once was untamed wilderness.
“Aunt Celly? Are you okay?” Shining gently touched her shoulder.
Celestia’s eyes popped open, and for a brief moment, she could feel them burning with the golden fury of the one who could never be satisfied. She forced herself to take deep breaths, and she nodded slowly after a minute.
“Captain, please have all the searchers meet at the town hall. There is no reason for them to risk their lives any longer. I would like one small squad to remain and continue searching until we know for sure what happened.”
“Of course. I’ll put my best soldiers on it. We’ll find him, no matter what.”
“Thank you. I … I will need a few moments alone.”
“We’ll see you back in town, ma’am,” Pokey replied with a grim nod.
Celestia spread her wings and took to the air quickly. She could feel her burning anger rising within her, pulsing and pushing with every wild beat of her broken heart. If she did not remove herself from the forest, there would be almost nothing that could keep her from turning the whole place to ash and burning cinders.
“No,” she told herself with a long and shuddering breath. “I will harm no creature simply because it was acting upon instinct. The fault is mine, and the blame for what has happened belongs on me and none other.”
But she knew there was a way to bring him back to her. There was a power, a raw well of pure energy that she could draw from to keep her from feeling the pain of Bean’s loss.
“I will not tread that path,” she stated with tears in her eyes. “If I let it out, I will experience a pain beyond any mortal comprehension.”
It had been a long time since Luna had visited the Plane of Ascension, but as she looked around, she found that nothing about it had changed. It was much like her own dreamscape, but without the commotion of dreams and nightmares to interrupt the serenity. It was a place of peace, a place of relaxation, and a place that she knew Celestia often visited when the world became too much to overcome.
It was also a place with very few hiding spots.
In a few moments, Luna located where her sister had settled down, staring off into the starry void with a hollow gaze and a limp mane and tail. Luna made no noise as she approached, but Celestia somehow heard her anyway and glanced to her with a doleful smile.
“I thought I might find you here, Sister,” Luna gently said while she settled down next to her and glanced around the astral plane before them. “And I am sorry to see that he is not here.”
“Even a fool’s hope is better than none,” Celestia said in a heavy tone. “Could you imagine it, though? My Bean, an alicorn?”
“I fear I would be quite jealous, to be honest. While I have grown to love your husband like I would a brother, I would be quite upset if Bean achieved what Star did not.”
“True. That would not be fair,” Celestia replied. “But then again, what did Bean ever do to earn it?”
There was silence for a time, and Luna offered her support with the gentle wrap of a wing around the sister who had given her so much. While Luna had many thoughts and ideas of what to say, she was unsure of how to begin the conversation.
“Why does it hurt this much?” Celestia said quietly. “I have only known him for a few months, and yet …”
“Your heart breaks for time that was taken.”
“Garbanzo and Lima were devastated, you know. The three of us simply cried until we could cry no more. I cannot imagine what they must be forced to endure, having lost their only child at such a young and tender age.”
Celestia trailed off, and Luna offered nothing to break the silence.
“How did you do it?” Celestia asked when her voice returned.
Luna inhaled slowly, trying to keep the breath from catching in her throat. “Losing Star was a horrible blow, and I still feel a tenderness with the wound. I cannot say that the pain will ease, for no two ponies experience pain in the same ways.”
“I did not mean—”
“I know.” Luna let out a long exhalation. “If I am totally honest, I do not know how I managed to keep Nightmare Moon from consuming me for as long as I did.”
“I feel so cold, and so angry.” Celestia’s gaze remained on the distant horizon. “Like I want to scream, and cry, and then burn everything that would ever dare to harm Bean. I don't know how to get through this.”
“May I suggest you need not suffer in solitude?”
Celestia glanced to her sister, and Luna met her gaze directly. “Solitude?”
“I know you, Sister. For a thousand years, you have been forced to travel alone, with the full weight of Equestria upon your back, like some cosmic turtle. Onward you have pressed, without complaint and with a cheerful smile, and your little ponies have never known how lonesome your duties have truly been.
“I can see it in your eyes, dear Celly. It is pure reflex for you now, much like breathing. The Great Celestia must press ever onward, the picture of perfection. None must see the pain, the anguish, for revealing that would show weakness to Equestria’s enemies, and bring questions to the faithful. You have become the living embodiment of our fair land, and everything you do, everything you say, and everything you are is a direct reflection of the Kingdom as a whole.
“I never fully appreciated that role when I was young,” Luna continued while giving her sister’s neck a soft nuzzle. “Nor did I appreciate how that separated and isolated you. It need not be that way, Celly. This is not a burden that you must bear alone. I am here to support you, and the whole of Equestria will stand beside you as well. Share your pain, Celly. Do not bottle it away; for that will bring about everything you do not want. The Nightmare gained strength over me with the lie that I was alone, that nopony cared, and your doubts can do the same with you. I am here to share the burden with you. You need not suffer your loss alone.”
Celestia’s head dipped, and her gaze went to the ground. “Thank you, Lulu, but how can I go on without him? How can I love my little ponies with a hole in my heart this large?”
“That is the most difficult question anypony will have to face, Sister, and I have no easy answer. I wish I could tell you that it was all in remembering him, or perhaps in knowing he would want you to press forward through the pain. It would be nice if all wounds could be healed by simply recalling the times that were shared together.
“The true answer to that lies within yourself; but for me, the hole was filled to a degree with the love I received from others. When I lost Star, the void that became my world was lessened by the affection I received from my Wee Rascal and from you. Within the embrace of those whom I loved and cherished, I found a measure of calm. Perhaps it will so be for you.”
Celestia gave a mirthless chuckle. “I do have some experience with burying myself in my work. Perhaps that is what I should do again.”
“You could,” Luna agreed with a nod. “But I fear you would never be anything more than a shell of your former self if you did. There is still much for you to live for, Celly. Our true selves are revealed in what we do after a tragedy such as this.”
Celestia did not reply, but Luna felt her sister shiver slightly, as if a cold chill had decided to run from the base of her tail upwards. One golden shod hoof moved to touch the solar princess’ midsection, and a long inhale came before Celestia nodded.
“You are right, dear sister,” Celestia said at length. “The choice is now mine, and your words have illuminated my path. I will need much of your strength and support in the coming days, but I will not allow the darkness of Bean’s death to overwhelm the light that he brought to my life. Come. I do believe there is work to be done.”
The ponies of Ponyville were restless, resulting in a great deal of murmuring while they awaited the arrival of Princess Celestia. It had been many hours since the search for Prince Bean had been ‘suspended,’ and at first, most had thought that the break was to give everypony a chance to rest for a full evening. Now that day had broken anew and no effort was being made by Captain Armor to get the search parties going, the concern was growing exponentially. Why did they not make use of every moment of daylight? Surely they still wanted to find the Prince who had tried so hard to protect them.
It was just as a few ponies began to threaten to break off on their own that Celestia emerged from town hall and stood in front of the masses. Her wings were fully outstretched, and she offered a sad and tired smile while Luna, Cadence, and Twilight took up their positions beside her.
“My dear friends,” Celestia began in a voice that quavered only slightly. “I … I wish I knew how to fully express my gratitude for your services. You have given everything you have - and more - in your efforts to find my beloved prince, and I will forever remember your sacrifices over these last few days. I am in your debt, my little ponies, and I do not know that I can ever repay you for what you have done.”
Celestia paused, and without even thinking about it, she slipped into the familiar role of emotionless diplomat. She held her head a bit higher, and her face became a neutral blank. “But I can no longer ask you to make this sacrifice. Sergeant Hokey Pokey, Sergeant Clover Leaf, and Captain Shining Armor have found where my Bean landed, and I am afraid I must report that he did not survive.”
A sharp intake could be heard, a gasp that left her feeling cold for being the one to say it, and the ponies of Ponyville glanced between each other in horror.
“I know this news is difficult to hear,” Celestia continued, and she took in a shuddering breath to try and shore up the cracks in her facade. “And how I wish I could tell you all anything besides the truth, for then my dear Bean would still be with us. But the evidence we have found indicates that he has departed this life, and so there is no reason for you to continue to put yourselves in harm’s way.
“I have, therefore, called off the search for Baked Bean,” Celestia went on with tears in her eyes, and she tried to make eye contact with each pony in an effort to show her gratitude. “Captain Armor will leave a small squadron here to continue to search until we know with finality what happened to him, but there is nothing more that can be done. We must all now move forward without him, as difficult as it may be, and return to our lives and the duties that we have neglected while we have searched.
“I’m sure none of us will ever forget the brief but powerful impact that Baked Bean had upon our fair Kingdom, and upon our hearts individually. Bean was the sort of pony who ever sought to be of service to his fellow pony, to lift them up when they were struggling, and to offer a smile and a kind word when the world seemed to have lost all meaning. He gave me insight into the life of the average pony that I could never have received on my own, and it was with his humble insight that I began to see the everyday challenges that you face a little more clearly. His was a life dedicated to the ennobling of others, and within it all he brought me a love that I never thought I could have in this life.
“Baked Bean loved me not because I was his princess, but because I was his friend. He was one of the few who saw me at my best, my worst, and just about everywhere in between. I will forever cherish the memory of his gentle kisses, his curious and loving eyes, and his beloved nose boops. He came to me when I did not even realize I needed him, and he brought with him a youthfulness and a joy of life that I do not think I can ever fully replace. If I am to be honest, I will admit that I will miss his cooking, and he never did bake that rhubarb pie he promised me.”
There were some light chuckles, both from the crowd and from the princesses. Celestia nodded and let a smile tug at the corners of her lips, but it went no further than that. “There are so many things I wish I could say to him. So many things I wish we could have done. Death can be cruel at times, taking those whom we love just as we begin to know them, and leaving us with nothing more than emptiness and questions in its wake.
“I have lost so many over my many years,” Celestia said as her feelings began to overrun her stoic composition. Her head dipped, and her eyes went to her hooves. “So many friends, acquaintances, and even family members have come and gone, never again to return. Each time they have left me, I have felt their absence keenly. Every soldier who marched and fell on the fields of battle in my name, every member of my family - especially those who came from Luna’s marvelous union with her husband, Star Struck - the various ministers who spent their days and their lives in the service of their Princess and their country; I have mourned at the loss of all of them and more. But if had I known that Bean’s life would be so fleeting, I might … I might have …”
Celestia could only imagine how ridiculous she looked at that moment. Her, the great Daytime Diarch of Equestria, the leader of a proud and prosperous country that was first and foremost in all aspects, and she had been reduced to a blubbering mess with the death of one yellow stallion. It was taking every last bit of her willpower to keep from collapsing right there, and she feared what would come to be when the news of what she was doing became public. She was supposed to be strong for her ponies, a steadfast light and an unbreakable bedrock upon which all hopes and dreams could be built. What kind of a message was she sending with her emotional breakdown?
It was in the midst of this struggle for self-control that a young filly worked her way out of the crowd and towards the Princess. In her peripheral vision, she could see the youngster had a red mane and a large pink bow, and that alone was enough for Celestia to know that Apple Bloom was the one who now stood before her.
“Princess Celestia?”
Celestia lifted her head slightly, and the concerned and sorrowful eyes of Apple Bloom met her own. “Yes, my little pony?”
“You’re really hurtin’ right now, aren’t you?”
Celestia gave a small chuckle. “You could say that, yes.”
“Ah think ah know how you feel. Ah’ve lost some ponies that were pretty special to me, and ah didn’t get to spend a lot of time with them either. Ah had to cry a lot, too. Ah miss ‘em real bad, and Ah still wish they could come back.”
“I wish they could come back for you too, my dear little one.”
“Maybe it’s not my place, but Ah think there might be somethin’ that can help you, even if it’s just a little bit.”
“What do you recommend?”
“A hug,” she simply stated as Applejack stepped up and put one hoof over her sister and pulled her in for one in demonstration. “Things are never so bad if you’ve got a pony to hug.”
Whatever rules of propriety that had held Celestia captive for centuries were destroyed in an instant, and Celestia felt the tears flow while she sat and opened her arms and wings wide.
Apple Bloom and Applejack needed no further invitation. Both moved quickly to Celestia’s embrace, and the three wept openly and without reservation as they each allowed their emotions to have the free reign they needed to be expressed in the only way they could be.
It was only a brief moment before Big Macintosh joined them by wrapping his earth-worn hooves around her shoulders, and the singular oddity of seeing such a rugged and placid pony weeping like a newborn moved the rest of the crowd into action. Luna, Cadence, and Twilight managed to reach Celestia’s side first to offer their own embrace to her, and before Celestia knew what was happening, she found herself in the middle of the largest spontaneous group hug that Equestria had ever seen. The entire town of Ponyville poured out their love and support to the heartbroken princess, and Celestia knew in that moment that they all hurt just as much as she did.
And Celestia, in that moment, felt her broken heart beginning to mend. There would be anguish and depression in the coming days, of course, and she would send many a tissue to a inglorious end while she worked her way through this maze of emotions and fears that had beset her.
But if this support could remain with her - and she had no doubt that it would remain - then there existed a light in the darkness and a path for her to follow.
“I have to admit, that was unexpected,” Celestia humbly mused while she landed with Luna in the former gardens of The Castle of the Two Sisters.
“Our ponies are, in truth, wondrous creatures. One can learn much of their ways within a few moons, but even after a thousand years, they can still surprise you,” Luna quipped from her side.
Equestria’s timeless princesses then began to walk close together on one of the many paths that led out from their old home through the Everfree forest. Their guards had protested, of course, but the fact that Celestia herself had been tearing the very trees from their roots for the past three days quickly rendered their arguments moot.
“I am still going to need time to sort all this out,” Celestia admitted. Her gaze still scanned the woods for something she had missed, something to reignite hope, until she remembered there wasn’t anything to look for.
“Of course.” Luna nodded solemnly. “A leave of absence is to be expected; prudent even.”
A peaceful silence then settled in around the sisters, and Celestia enjoyed the calm for a moment before a squirrel darted out of the bushes and paused in front of them, an acorn in its paws. For a moment, Day and Night were held at bay while contemplating the simplicity of this event, but then a distant chittering caught the visitor’s attention, and it was gone as quickly as it had come.
“Perhaps it has a young one to feed?” Luna remarked with a light laugh. “Twilight was never patient at mealtimes either.”
Celestia felt her wings tighten on her barrel. She felt she was cradling the one piece of her prince that was left, and a sudden fear chilled her to the bone when she thought of meeting with Doctor Horsenpfeffer. What if she was wrong, and she was not with foal? If such a horrible thing was to be, her blissful but brief union with her stallion was to be relegated to nothing, a blink of an eye to all of history and a memory that could fade from her in time.
It would be too cruel if such was true. She had to be pregnant. Her dear prince had to live on, in some way or another, and Celestia could carry on if she could still hold on to his legacy through their creation.
A moment of quiet silence followed before Celestia spoke again in an absent whisper. “Do you think Bean and Star would have been friends?”
“Bean’s teetotaling would have utterly confounded him,” Luna all but snorted, and the two sisters smiled to each other as they began to walk again. “I also believe Star’s concept of a good meal would have made Bean weep out of pity.”
“But what if they were to pass beyond that?”
“Star would have spoken of adventure and glory and then dragged poor Bean on every single one of his ludicrous crusades, be it camping in the Macintosh Mountains or pilfering desserts from the kitchens.” Luna laughed, her tears betraying her mirth at the idea of the Princes of Equestria operating in cahoots together.
Celestia laughed along, her own tears feeling welcome and comforting. “And Bean would have demanded that he and Star make a finer dessert and meal for the chef as an apology.”
Even with their heavy hearts, the sisters of Sun and Moon had found the ability to laugh. Ageless and eternal though they were, both still felt incomplete without the part that was mortal, the part of them that made their immortality have meaning from the time they had shared with their respective stallions.
“Perhaps they have met now,” Luna remarked with a wistful glance to the sky. “I know my Star would be delighted to assist the one who finally managed to capture your heart.”
“I have no doubt that Star would do whatever was in his power to make my Bean feel welcome,” Celestia replied while they both turned down a weed strewn and overgrown path. “And I do believe your wee rascal would be overjoyed to meet him as well.”
Luna nodded, but then she frowned. “I am afraid I have neglected this area, Celly. I have always flown here in the past.”
“As have I. I believe I could find some royal gardeners who would be willing to clean and organize this area, if we asked them to.”
“I would like that. Even if we are the only two who are to visit here, it would be appropriate and respectful to keep near the grounds cleaned and trimmed.”
Celestia nodded, and her magic gently reached out to open the simple iron gate that stood guard over the small plot of grass and stones behind it. “After you, sister.”
Luna gently crossed the threshold into the cemetery, and Celestia found her own breath slowing to near nothingness as she followed Luna across the hallowed ground. Despite being as old as the Diarchs themselves, the headstones were still in excellent condition thanks to the preservation spell over the area, and the grass was free of weeds and cut to a uniform length. A glance around revealed all of the venerated and heroic ancients of Equestria still lay in peace, and for a moment, Celestia allowed the memories she held for each of them to replay in her mind. She laughed a little as she looked over Chancellor Puddinghead’s tombstone, she stood a bit straighter and nearly saluted while she passed Commander Hurricane’s final resting place, and she paused to nod to the granite bench that marked where Princess Platinum now spent her eternity.
“I still miss them too,” Luna offered from her side, and a dark wing draped over her. “I never did get to hear Puddinghead’s ultimate joke. She kept telling me she was working on it, and that it wasn’t ready.”
“All she managed to complete was the ultimate punchline: ‘the gravy boat.’ I’ve had philosophers drive themselves mad trying to figure out what her intent was.”
“Smart Cookie,” Luna pointed to a small plaque that was embedded in the ground. “Wise beyond her years, and thank Harmony for that. I don’t want to think about where we would have ended up without her.”
Celestia nodded, but they said nothing more as they walked further in. Celestia allowed her eyes to linger on the tombs for only a brief moment; the day was fast approaching its end and Celestia hoped to return to Canterlot before she would need to guide the sun to its rest. She did inwardly promise to visit this sacred site again soon, and to pay the proper respect to those who dwelled within it.
“Well, here I find you again,” Luna announced, and she trotted up to a large obsidian headstone that rested near the back corner. Several large groups of night lilies were beginning to bloom from their places besides the marker, and Celestia was grateful that they yet lived on, despite their location.
“You always were a lazy layabout,” Luna said with a sad laugh to her husband’s grave. “Forever trying to get out of your chores. I miss getting after you about that.”
Her hoof then gently reached out to touch the relief of his face in the stone. “What am I saying? I miss you, period. I would give nearly anything to have you back beside me. Eighty-eight years, and it was still too soon.”
Celestia wrapped a wing over her sister, and for a long moment, there was nothing but the ambient sounds of the woods. Celestia doubted that mere words could ever convey the full feeling that was now caressing every part of their immortal being. This was a moment that simply had to be lived.
“I think Star will appreciate the company,” Luna finally said, and she wiped at her eyes with a hoof. “A next door neighbor, in a way. The marker should fit right here, between his and the memorial to the Pillars.”
Celestia nodded, and her wing hugged her sister a little tighter. “Bean would like that too, I’m sure. It would ensure he could make new friends, somehow.”
“We should have it hewn from sunstone, I think. It seems fitting for him. Perhaps we could even plant some sunflowers for him to enjoy.”
Celestia laughed softly. “They may just bring him back to me. I think he would like that very much.”
Luna nodded, but then her head turned to the east while Celestia’s gaze was drawn to the west. Night was beckoning, and Celestia knew that she needed to return to Canterlot and resume her life, no matter how empty it would seem.
“Come, Celly; the day is waning fast. These details can wait until tomorrow.”
Celestia nodded, but she took one last moment to turn her attention to the memorial for Starswirl the Bearded and the Pillars of Equestria. As much as she hated to admit it, there was a very real chance that her beloved Bean would be forever missing, just as the Pillars had gone missing without a trace so many centuries ago.
“You know, Lulu, I always wondered what happened to Starswirl and the others,” Celestia remarked. “They left so quickly, and with no information other than they were to battle a great evil. I suppose they were successful in their efforts, but I can’t help but wonder how powerful that evil was if it could overwhelm the Pillars.”
“It would have to be great, indeed,” Luna said. “But as I recall, their disappearance meant that we did not get into trouble over those assignments we never turned in.”
“The silver lining to the cloud, perhaps?” Celestia replied while they began to leave. “I couldn't write a coherent dissertation on Starswirl's Fourth Law of Conveyance then, and I doubt that has changed.”
“I hated those Laws,” Luna said as they stepped out of the cemetery and Celestia gently closed the gate. “All that nonsense about objects in motion. He really should have figured out a better way to present the information.”
Celestia nodded, and her wings flared out with Luna’s. They both gave them a slight ruffle in anticipation, and both crouched to leap into flight.
It was just then that Sergeant Pokey slammed into the ground in front of them, and the Princesses both gave a shout of alarm and reared back before moving to check on the mangled guard.
“Sergeant, hast thou been robbed of thine sense?!” Luna shouted while two magic fields began to check him for injuries. “We didst tell thee to remain in town, did We not?!”
“Couldn't … wait …” he groaned. “We … we need you in Ponyville. Bean … is …”
Celestia gasped, her eyes went wide, and with a flash of golden magic, they were gone.
Baked Bean groaned and drew in a sharp hiss of a breath around his teeth while the rest of his body immediately began to report on the injuries he’d sustained. That ride was about the closest thing to the opposite of fun he could have imagined, and were it not for the pain, he would believe he was in the afterlife.
He felt like he’d been drawn, quartered, and then turned into glue, and he hoped his tail had, at the least, been turned into a violin bow.
Bean then tried to open his eyes, mostly to verify that he could handle such a simple task, but also so he could establish where he was, and what was still attached to him.
He instantly regretted his choice. The wave of pain that pounded into his head easily tripled the amount of pain he felt, and what little light he had taken in felt like it had incinerated the back of his eyeballs. He drew in another sharp breath, and a whimper of agony managed to gurgle out of his throat.
“Bean?”
The trifecta of pain was now complete. His body hurt, his mind hurt, and now the range of emotions that slammed into him destroyed any remaining comfort he could have possibly felt. He felt his body nearly tearing itself in half as he went from disgust to pleasure, depression to exultation, total misery to pure bliss.
“Celly?” he croaked. “Is that you?”
Despite the flood of sensory inputs he was being overwhelmed with, he felt the familiar touch of the sublime as Celestia’s wing tightened over him, and his anguish multiplied when he felt her silken coat push closer to him. The tears began to burn while they left his eyes and traveled down his cheeks, and he buried his face in her side while she gently shushed him and caressed one cheek with her hoof.
“Oh, my precious Bean,” she softly whispered. “I’m here, don’t worry. You’re safe now, and everything is as it should be. I’ve got you.”
And Bean wept.
He wept for his ineptitude, for the devastation and destruction he had brought upon the innocent ponies of Ponyville. He wept for the damage he had caused in the palace, for the loyalties he had strained by asking his guards to act against their orders to protect him. He wept for the emotional toil he had forced Wysteria and Trixie to endure, and for the unnecessary risks he had forced on Quill and Wysteria’s unborn foal.
But mostly, he wept for what he had done to his beloved Celestia. He couldn’t even begin to fathom the torture he had put her through when she had found out what he had done, or especially when she had found out that he had tried to attack Tirek.
Bean’s tears only increased while Celestia quietly shushed again. “Oh, my dear Bean. You have suffered through so much. I am so proud of you, and I am pleased with what you have done.”
“You are?” he sobbed. “Please tell me you are. My heart feels as if it might shatter into a thousand pieces over what I have done.”
“No, no!” Celestia gently chuckled, and Bean felt her tears begin to wet his cheek as she nuzzled him. “You were willing to give your own life to protect our little ponies. How could I ever be displeased?”
“But I caused so much damage,” he whimpered. “So many homes were destroyed, and the windows in the palace. I asked ponies to fight against Tirek! What chance did a bunch of common ponies have against such a villain?”
“You did not have a chance, my Bean, but that is not what matters. You gave Twilight the time she needed to defeat him, and your heroics saved the day. Apart from yourself, no pony was seriously injured, and the damage to Ponyville was minimal. The homes can be repaired, and together, we will fix you. I will care for you; I will tend to your every need. Soon, what has happened will be a distant and happy memory, one that I will forever recall with pride. My Baked Bean, the Hero of Equestria.”
Bean took in a shuddering breath, but he did not move. He did not want to move, for in so doing he might ruin this perfect moment that had come to him. Celestia yet cared for him, and she willingly proclaimed and reaffirmed her love of him. He had her again, and what else could matter?
“Let it out, my love,” Celestia gently cooed. “Do not hold this burden any more. It is time to move forward, together and forever. The battle is past, the war is now over. You have won, and I will now ensure you receive the prizes you have earned.”
“The only thing I want is to hear you say that you love me. I did not fear Tirek, or what he could do to me. I did not fear while I tried to fight him, and I felt no fear when he defeated me and sent me flying into the Everfree. The only thing that I truly feared - the one thing that haunted me throughout all of what was happening - was that your love for me had died. I could not live another day if I found that you no longer cared for me.”
“I love you, Baked Bean,” she whispered into his ear with a gentle nuzzle. “I never stopped loving you, and I will never stop loving you. I love you.”
And despite the anguish and the torments that had beset him, Baked Bean smiled. “Could you say it again, please?”
“I love you,” Celestia repeated while her wing drew him in even closer. “I love you, I love you, I love you. I will repeat it as often as you like, so you never have to doubt again. You have my heart, you have my soul, and you have me. Rest now, my precious Bean, and know that I will remain. We shall never be parted again.”
“Just a moment more, Your Highness,” Doctor Horsenpfeffer admonished while Bean squirmed. “I know it hurts, but I need to scan the deep tissue too.”
Bean nodded, but his teeth remained clenched and he tried to fight back the groans of pain. “I get that this is helpful, but I think it hurt less when I hit the trees. ”
Bean pushed himself a little more into Celestia’s side, and that was enough to silence his fidgeting. Horsenpfeffer grinned a bit with this, and after a moment, her magic cut out.
“So?” Celestia asked with concern in her words and on her face. “How bad is it?”
“My Prince, you are a very lucky pony,” Horsenpfeffer replied while scribbling some notes on a clipboard. “By all accounts, you should be dead a couple of times over, but somehow you managed to make it. Your left rear leg is a mess of broken bone and torn tissue, you’ve fractured five ribs, a lung is collapsed, you have a bad concussion - you’re really lucky you didn’t just split your head open like a coconut, you know - your thoracic sling has been pulled so badly I could almost call it taffy, your spleen is badly bruised, and your liver is just a mess. That doesn’t even cover all the lacerations, cuts, nicks, and deep tissue bruising you’ve got. I’m not going to sugar coat it: you are on thin ice.”
Bean swallowed hard. He hadn’t realized his condition was so dire. “Why don’t I feel any of that, then?”
“Mostly because we’ve been stuffing you full of painkillers, but there may be some spinal damage that’s blocking the signals. I won’t know for sure for a couple of days.
“Now, having gotten all of that out of the way, here’s the good news: you can make a full recovery, in time; but you must not lift a hoof, both figuratively and literally, for at least the next two weeks. I will give the Princess a list of healing magic to run on you a few times a day, and I’ll keep an eye on you too during this time. I am hopeful that Celestia’s alicorn magic will be able to accelerate the healing process, and we’ll bring in some physical therapists when the time is right to work on that leg. But I cannot stress this enough: absolutely no movement.”
Bean shifted a bit, and he felt several stabs radiate from the left side of his chest outwards. “What about when I have to … um, y’know …”
“I’ll make sure you get a bedpan to use, and I can have a nurse put on-call to take care of it when you’re done.”
“Anything else?” Celestia asked.
“Not for the moment. Once Bean has mended a bit, we’ll reevaluate and adjust as needed.”
“Thank you, Doctor,” Celestia said with relief. “I am in debt to your service.”
“My pleasure, entirely,” Horsenpfeffer replied with a nod and a smile. “I’ll be right back with that list.”
“Guess I messed myself up pretty good, eh?” Bean said sadly, and Celestia gently wrapped her wing over him.
“Not at all. You were injured by a monster while defending our little ponies. You did not mess up anything.”
“There is just no hope for me.”
“Oh, don’t say such things,” Celestia said with a frown. “There is much hope, and much good you can still accomplish. If you are worried that I am upset with you, please believe me when I tell you I am not. My orders were rash and given out of a desire to protect you, and I did not fully appreciate your desire to help. I could have handled the situation better, and I should have worked with you.”
“No, what happened is my fault,” he groaned while his ribs began to ache. “I should have listened to you.”
“Do not blame yourself, my Bean. Tirek alone is responsible for what has happened. You did what you needed to, and for that I am proud.”
“Thank you,” he said with a hiss of pain.
“Oh, here. Doctor Horsenpfeffer showed me which magic spell would work the best for your pain. Close your eyes, and relax.”
Bean did so, and he felt Celestia’s magic tenderly wrap around him with a gentle tingle. He let out the breath he was holding while he felt his aches fade away, and he was smiling from ear to ear when her magic cut out and his eyes opened.
“Thank you, my love. I feel a lot better now.”
“Good. If those pains come back, just say so and I will be more than happy to ease them away.”
“Well, unless you’re in Day Court, or teaching your class.”
“I have cancelled everything for the next two weeks,” Celestia said firmly, and Bean gave her a confused look.
“You did?”
“Yes. I can’t bear the thought of being away from you for even a moment while you are like this. Luna has agreed to handle Day Court with Wysteria and Trixie’s help, and a substitute teacher has been brought in for my class. The only thing that could tear me from your side is something that threatens the lives of our little ponies.”
Bean smiled deeply while he felt the love of his wife permeate his heart and spread from there throughout his injured body. “Thank you, my love. I should try to heal quickly then, so you can get back to more important things.”
“My dear Bean,” she said with a nuzzle for him, “there is nothing that is more important to me than you. Equestria will go forward, as will the government of it, but I cannot bear the thought of it going on without you.”
“I hope I can regain the use of my hooves soon,” Bean said while he swallowed his bite of oatmeal. “You should be off telling Lord Fancy Pants that you would be delighted to attend the unveiling of the new metropolitan art exhibit, or even telling a petitioner why concerns over potholes should be taken to their local elected officials. It seems like such a waste of your time to have you here, doing this.”
“I certainly hope you can use your hooves again, too,” Celestia replied, “but do not worry about wasting my time. If it will help you to heal, then this time has been well spent. Besides, this gives me the chance to avoid all that.”
Bean laughed a little before gently taking the next bite, but his demeanor drifted to depressed while he did so. “Celly? How long was I out?”
“It is,” she paused, and her eyes went to the bowl before her in thought. “It is hard to say; I lost track of time while I was searching for you, and even then, we found you clinging to life at the edge of a ravine. You may have been in and out of consciousness during your ordeal. I was actually hoping you could tell me what happened to you.”
“I don’t really remember anything,” Bean replied while he thought. “I mean, anything after I hit the trees.”
“It is possible you were in a state of shock,” Celestia said with another spoonful of oatmeal for him. “I have had soldiers in the past who could not recall the details of a battle they had been in, even though it had been a pitched fight that lasted several hours.”
“I could see that being similar,” he replied. “Who found me?”
“Rainbow Dash did, but quite by accident. We had already searched in the area where you were, but Miss Dash happened to see you while she was flying to another search site. She was bound and determined to find you, and nothing would have stopped her; not even a direct order from me.”
“The Element of Loyalty, without a doubt.” Bean chuckled, and then took the next bite of oatmeal. “How did I get back home?”
Celestia smiled weakly. “That would be my doing. Luna was not very happy when she caught up to me. I teleported you away before she could be apprised of your condition. She has worried a great deal about you, too.”
“Quite the change in attitude from when she first met me,” he quipped.
“My dear Bean, everypony has worried a great deal about you. I have received messages of support and well-wishes from all across Equestria, and once you are better, I am sure there will be a party that will stretch from the Crystal Empire to the Mysterious South. The jubilee will doubtless last for at least two weeks, and your nose will be given quite the workout when you are called upon to judge the innumerable cakes, candies, and treats that will be presented for your enjoyment.”
“That sounds like quite a lot to ask of one lowly yellow prince,” he replied with a smug smile. “I don’t think I can handle that on my own. I may need to petition the Court for some royal assistance.”
Celestia smiled back at him and purred. “I’ll eat all the cake you want me to, but you have to ask nicely. You may even need to provide some … incentives, shall we say?”
“My dear Celestia, I would move the very mountain we reside on if it meant that I could claim the simple privilege of your presence for an hour in my life. You name your price, and I will gladly pay it.”
“I’m sure you would,” she replied in a sultry tone, “but all I ask for now is for you finish your oatmeal. Now open wide!”
Bean gumbled a bit as he tried to get comfortable without moving, and he was finding it really hard to do both. Every little twitch and spasm seemed to aggravate his ribs, and that in turn was making the base of his skull hurt.
He didn’t want to disturb his beloved; she had spent the greater part of the day tending to his every need. He had enjoyed the attention, and the snuggly cuddles they had shared when he didn’t need some kind of treatment, but he felt bad that she had to devote so much time to taking care of things that he should be able to handle on his own. He felt horribly useless whenever she gently fed him, or when she had tenderly brushed his mane and coat - well, maybe that part was pretty nice, and she could definitely coo into his ear about what a pretty pony he was all she wanted - but otherwise he had felt like dead weight.
He was asking far too much of her, and he needed to heal faster so she wouldn’t have to be burdened with him.
Besides that, he needed to make amends for the damage he had caused. The stain glass windows would be one of the hardest things to repair, and he really had no idea how to even go about that. Could he take some sort of job within the palace to earn the bits? Could he even earn that many bits in a lifetime of trying? Each one of them had been hoof crafted and set in the way of the ancients, so there was a very good chance they were priceless.
And then the damage to Ponyville. He knew the brave citizens of that town needed to be reimbursed for the damages that their homes and businesses had suffered during Tirek’s attack, but how could he do that? Was there some sort of emergency fund that existed for when a disaster like Tirek happened, or were the ponies of Ponyville forced to rely on their own private insurance?
“Bean?” Celestia’s voice drifted to him in the darkness, and those perfect magenta eyes focused in on him like a barn owl. “Are you awake?”
“Yeah. I’m sorry if I woke you up.”
“Are you in pain?”
“A little bit, but it’s just a dull ache.”
Bean let out a small moan of pleasure when Celestia began nipping in his mane. “You need to relax, my love. You can not heal if you are like this.”
“I just have too many thoughts running through my head, and it’s difficult to ignore them.”
“Will you share them with me?” she whispered.
“They’re just a lot of worried thoughts, like how are the windows going to be replaced, and how much will it cost?”
“That is something you do not need to worry about. The cost of the windows pales in comparison to the cost of your life.”
Bean felt a little wave of happiness flow over him. “And I’m worried about the citizens of Ponyville, too. There was a lot of damage, I’m sure.”
“Not as much as you would expect,” Celestia replied while she moved to nip and nuzzle down his neck. “And the cost to repair the town will be covered. Do not worry about that.”
Bean giggled when Celestia kissed that ticklish spot on his neck, but then he winced when his movements sent some needles of pain into his rear hips. Celestia instantly stopped, gasped slightly, and then gave him a long and passionate kiss.
“This is going to be difficult for both of us, isn’t it?” she said when they came up for air.
“I’m afraid so,” he said with begrudging sadness. “And to think, I could have avoided it all if I had just listened to you.”
“Don’t worry about that, my love. What has been has been, and it does no good to dwell upon it. Both you and I should now be concerned with your healing, and with our life together.”
“But I put you through so much agony. You must have been so distraught over what happened, and even more so when you couldn’t find me.”
“I was, but none of that matters to me now,” Celestia replied softly. “What I care about is that you’re here with me, that you are whole, and that we get you back to where you need to be. If you keep pressing the issue, I will be forced to tell you again that I am proud of you, and I am proud of what you’ve done. Your willingness to sacrifice everything you have - down to your very life - shows how noble and true you really are. Never be ashamed for that.”
Bean smiled a bit. “Thanks. It might take me awhile to believe all that, but I appreciate it.”
Celestia smiled back at him, and he felt some goosebumps of delight as her wing began to trace delicate lines along his back. He felt grateful for her forgiveness, and in that serene environment, he vowed to never do anything that would make her worry about him again. Any instruction she gave would be followed to the letter, any advice would be cherished and acted upon immediately, and any guidance would be heeded without question. His heart still ached for what he’d put her through, and he never wanted her to experience that anguish again.
He loved her far too much to ever hurt her like that again.
He winced a bit when Celestia withdrew her wing and began massaging his back gently with her hooves, but the pain was short and the relief he felt as she gingerly worked on the knots in his muscles was well worth it. Everything was so calm, so peaceful. He was home, in his own bed, with his cherished wife and her infinite love.
He couldn’t imagine anything more perfect.
Bean let out a long breath while he relaxed, but then he frowned. Though he was in his own room, the fringe edges of it seemed to be slightly out of focus, and the area that he could see through the open doors of the balcony seemed to be blurry for some odd reason.
“Celly?” he gently called out. “I think there’s something wrong with my eyes.”
“What?” Her hooves retreated, and she moved around to lay in front of him. “Let me see; open your eyes wide. What is wrong?”
“The edges of the room and what I can see of outside is blurry.”
Celestia glanced towards the balcony and frowned. “Strange. It must be something related to your concussion. As far as I can see, the edges of the room look fine.”
Bean blinked a few times, and sure enough, everything was in focus again. “Huh, I think you’re right. Everything is fine now.”
“You need to sleep, my dear Bean,” Celestia said soothingly, and Bean yawned while the magic of her horn illuminated the room.
“Are you going to cast a sleeping spell on me?” he mumbled with a smile, and he gave a small hum of delight when she kissed his nose.
“I am, but do not worry my love.” She smiled back at him. “Everything will be just perfect.”
“With you, I know it will be.” Bean’s eyelids grew heavy, and he sighed as he allowed the image of Celestia’s loving green eyes to softly carry him into slumber.
Thorax walked softly and with some trepidation towards the containment chamber that held his Queen and her current victim, and his magic shifted slightly under the weight of the tray of food. Fate, it seemed, had a cruel sense of humor to put him in such a position, but there was little he could do about it. Queen Chrysalis had called for an emergency hive-wide reorganization after Phil had somehow tripped and fallen out of the hamster wheel, thus allowing the illusion spell to falter slightly last night, and in the ensuing madness of department upheavals, Thorax had found himself ‘promoted’ to Chrysalis’ personal assistant. It was a demanding job that was fraught with peril unimaginable, but it was better than where Phil would end up.
Anything was better than that.
Thorax nodded to Mandible and Dave when he came to their position just outside of the chamber. Both had a thick red wire clamped to their horns, but Dave simply whimpered and twitched while Mandible casually flipped a page in his magazine.
“Hey Thorax, be careful,” Mandible offered. “Our Queen is still most displeased from last night. Did you bring her crossword?”
“Right here.” Thorax nodded to the paper next to the domed trays.
“Good. That’ll help her mood.”
“Is that even comfortable?” Thorax asked with a nod to the attachment, and Mandible shrugged.
“Not particularly, but you get used to it.”
“I feel like I’m licking a battery,” Dave whispered with a spasm.
“You are a battery. Be grateful our beloved Queen, who we would never criticize even in the slightest no matter how unlikely it is she’s listening to us from the other side of that door, did not decide to throw an illusion over the whole hive. Now that would hurt.”
Dave didn’t say anything, but his eyes went wide while he seemed to contemplate this news.
Thorax shook his head, and he moved to the entrance before Mandible could reveal where the negative terminal was located. He took a moment to make sure there were no gaps in his pony disguise, and then, with a deep breath, he tapped on the door and pushed it open with the tray of food in his magic.
The sight that then greeted him was one that he was never going to forget. His Queen was laying on the bed of cushions - still appearing to be Celestia - but she had somehow gotten entangled and entrapped in Bean’s legs, almost like when a jellyfish caught a meal. She shot him a seething death glare as he silently trotted in, and once he had put the tray of food down on the nearby table, he wisely decided to say nothing, look like nothing and not even breathe like anything.
“Thorax,” she hissed quietly. “If you ever say a word about this, I will extract your tail out of your nostrils. Now find a leg or something and unwrap me before he wakes up.”
“Too late,” murmured Bean in a dreamy tone, and he gently began to nibble up Chrysalis’ disguised neck with tiny little nips that made very little progress.
Well, progress in a direction. The young stallion’s attention made wonderful progress in keeping the queen of the changelings from speaking anything other than a tiny squeaking noise, much like a toy.
Thorax crept quietly backwards out of the Royal Bedchambers and closed the door.
After about a half-hour of panicked breathing, Thorax built up enough nerve to reenter the Royal Bedchambers. When he did, his Queen glared daggers at him but said nothing, and he found that she and Bean were enjoying the meal he had left behind. Thorax took the fact that he was still breathing as a good omen, and he dipped his head respectfully before addressing them both.
“Forgive my intrusion, Your Highnesses, but are you ready for me to clear away that tray?”
“Mmph,” Bean grunted, swallowed hard, and gasped a bit. “Ooph. What is your name, sir?”
Thorax froze. Name! He hadn’t thought of a pony name for this form! His Queen looked like she was ready to reduce him to a smear on the wall with a soon-to-be conjured fly swatter, but Thorax managed to swallow hard and think quick.
“I am Underhoof, Your Highness.”
Bean chuckled a bit. “Underhoof? I hope your name isn’t your talent.”
Thorax shook his head and said nothing. Maybe he could reduce the severity of the disciplinary counselling session on the Flensing Hooks of Extreme Discomfort later this way.
“Are you new here, Underhoof? I don’t think I’ve seen you around before.”
“I am new, yes. I was hired last week, Your Highness.”
“Ah, well! Welcome aboard. You’ll forgive me for not shaking your hoof, but I’m on doctor’s orders to remain put.”
“I understand, Your Highness. I wouldn’t want you to injure yourself on my account.”
Bean smiled. “Will you please pass along my thanks to Chef Beet? I know she tries so hard to cook a good meal for us, but I think she was a bit overwhelmed this morning. Usually her cooking is a bit better than this. Oh! But please don’t tell her that!”
“I won’t, Your Highness,” Thorax replied while his magic gathered up the dirty dishes. “Is there anything else you needed?”
“Please have some tea sent up for us, Underhoof,” his Queen ordered in a tone that he’d never heard from her before. It almost sounded nice, and he rather liked it, or at least until he thought about it some more. “Also, please inform Doctor Horsenpfeffer that Bean is unchanged this morning.”
“I will do so immediately, My Qu- er,” Thorax wilted a bit under his Queen’s furious stare. “I mean, Your Highness. If you’ll excuse me.”
“Underhoof?” Bean called out before Thorax could make it out the door. “Could I trouble you to bring my notebook down from the Drawing Room?”
“Your notebook?”
“Yes, if you don’t mind. I’m pretty sure I left it up there. Since I can’t really move, I figure I can look over my notes and start to plot out the next chapter of my book.”
“I’ll see what I can do, Your Highness.”
“Oh, but my dear, sweet Bean,” Chrysalis cooed while her magic began to radiate from her ivory horn. “I don’t know that you’re feeling up to that right now.”
Bean shook his head, but the magics worked their way in, and his eyes took on a sickly greenish hue for a moment before he blinked rapidly. “Y’know, I think you’re right? I’m not feeling so good all of a sudden.”
“Here, just relax. We’ll work on your little story later.”
“I think I’ll just relax, instead,” Bean echoed in a flat voice. “Never mind, Underhoof.”
“Not a problem, Your Highness. Just let me know if you need anything else.”
“Maybe one other thing,” Bean said with a yawn. “Could you just call me sir? I don’t like that ‘Your Highness’ stuff all that much.”
Thorax glanced over to Chrysalis, and she nodded once. “I believe I can do that, sir. Good day.”
Bean’s eyes then fluttered shut, and Chrysalis groaned. One hoof began to rub her temple in what appeared to be an effort to stymie a headache. “Underhoof, Thorax? That’s the best you can do?”
“My apologies, my Queen, but he did put me on the spot.”
“Whatever. Just … get that blasted tea up here, now. If this what I have to deal with, I’m going to need a lot of it.”
Princess Celestia did not gallop in the palace.
Most ponies, in fact, would say that Princess Celestia did not gallop at all. No matter where she was, or how urgently she was needed, it was believed that the Daytime Diarch never moved at a pace faster than a trot, at best.
That belief was shattered forever when the general populace that inhabited the centerpoint of government that morning saw their Princess barrel down a hallway at full speed and effortlessly slide around a corner.
“MAKE ROOM!” she bellowed, and a gaggle of ponies narrowly missed becoming the pins of a living bowling lane. Her breaths came and left in ragged snorts, and anypony who could not dodge the white missile that was shrieking down the hallway found themselves suddenly teleported away to Parts Unknown.*
*Fortunately, it was later discovered that Parts Unknown was actually a large fountain in the gardens that Celestia liked to visit. Some ponies ended up beside it; some ponies ended up in it.
Another slide around a corner, and Celestia’s horn began to charge a beam of energy that she aimed at a door before her. The ensuing shot took the offensive obstacle clean off the hinges and sent it rattling into the interior of the room, allowing Celestia to slide to a stop through the dust and smoke her spell had created.
“Is he all right?! Is he alive?! Please tell me he’s alive. I haven’t slept at all. I’ve been so worried about him. Is it as bad as it looked last night? How serious are his injuries? He will be able to pull through, right? Is he going to need a brace, or a wheelchair? Do you have him in traction? Did you have to shave his coat off? I will still love him, of course, but I fear he will look like a naked mole rat, and perhaps I can use a hair growing spell I know to help his coat to grow back. He is still alive, right?! Please tell me he’s alive! SAY SOMETHING!”
“You know, most ponies knock on the door before they enter my office,” Horsenpfeffer said with a cough, while she waved at the smoke filling her office. “You’re the first one to shoot it at me.”
Celestia forced herself to take a deep breath. “I offer my deepest apologies, Doctor, but I am greatly concerned for the well-being of my Bean. I need to know how he is doing.”
“He’s alive, and he’s doing fine for now,” Horsenpfeffer replied. “He’s not in traction, I did not have to shave his coat off, he does not look like a naked mole rat, and he may need a wheelchair for a time, yes. But only temporarily.”
Celestia let out a shuddering gasp of delight, and Horsenpfeffer suddenly found herself wrapped up in a Celestial Hug. “Thank you, Doctor. Thank you, thank you. May I be permitted to see him?”
“I think I can arrange that, Your Highness,” the good doctor managed to squeak through the pressure, and Celestia released her with a smile. “But first, could I trouble you to help me clean up a little?”
~*~
“You know, Prince Bean is actually in pretty good condition, all things considered,” Horsenpfeffer offered while she and the Princess walked to Bean’s room. “He has a collapsed lung, a couple of broken ribs, and some minor fractures in his right foreleg, along with some lacerations along his barrel. He’s also dehydrated and malnourished slightly, but he should recover from both quickly.”
“How long will he need to remain in intensive care?”
“Well, that depends mostly on how you treat him.”
Celestia gave the Doctor a curious look. “Me? I would treat him with the utmost care, of course.”
“That’s what worries me. I believe you would do anything to tend to the Prince, but I worry you will go overboard in your efforts. I know it’ll be difficult, but you’ll have to take it easy with him. If you can do that, I believe I can have him moved up to your personal chambers this evening, and we both can keep an eye on him there.”
“Doctor, I will follow whatever instructions you give me. All I want is for him to be healed.”
“As do we all, Princess,” Horsenpfeffer replied. “Now, one last thing. In situations like this, it’s very easy to let your emotions overwhelm you, and you’re going to feel an intense urge to rush to Bean’s side and to cuddle and hold him. I need you to refrain from doing that, otherwise you’ll just end up squashing him like a grape. It will be the greatest test of self-restraint you’ve ever experienced.”
Celestia nodded, but she had a smile of determination. “I will refrain from doing anything that will harm my Beloved, but I will not leave his side until he is well and whole again.” She snickered a bit. “I may not leave his side even then.”
“I wouldn’t imagine so,” the Doctor replied with a bit of a laugh.
Celestia moved to open the door that stood between her and her Prince, but she hesitated and looked back to her physician. “Doctor, do you have any openings in the near future for an exam?”
“You just had your physical a few months ago,” Horsenpfeffer replied thoughtfully. “Were you injured in the attack?”
“No, I was not. I may have another condition that needs to be examined by a competent medical professional.”
Doctor Horsenpfeffer thought for a moment but then her eyes went wide just as Celestia put a gentle hoof across her lips.
“Possibly. We would like to be certain before any announcements or celebrations take place.”
The doctor took a quick breath once Celestia removed her hoof. “So, no Pinkie Pie?”
“No Pinkie Pie.” Now it was Celestia’s turn to fight down an exuberant grin. “I received the impression that I was expecting while we were returning from the Crystal Empire. Do you think the news will help my Bean heal?”
“You tell him he’s going to be a father, and he’ll probably leap out his bed in joy. Oh! I’ve got so much research to do now! Once we know for certain, of course. I’ll need to talk to Luna and try to get some benchmarks to measure from. Do you know if there were any medical records kept from her time? Oh, but I bet they’d just tell me to attach a bunch of leeches to you. I don’t know how we ever survived.”
“I’ll have Wysteria and Miss Lulamoon pull what information they can from the archives for you.”
“But this is wonderful news!” Horsenpfeffer exclaimed, moving into full physician mode. “Let me get the door for my office fixed, and then we’ll run the usual array of non-invasive tests. I want you to get on a prenatal vitamin right away, though. Can you imagine it, little Beans running around the castle?”
“I can’t wait,” Celestia giggled, and she felt another source of warmth spread through her in happiness. “The poor guards will have to help me catch them; I imagine they will run all over like bean vines while exploring the grounds, if their father’s curiosity is any indication.”
“Well, this is wonderful news.” Horsenpfeffer paused for a moment in thought again. “Even once you know, it’s probably a good idea not to tell Prince Bean the news right away.”
“Why is that?”
“It you tell him now, he may try to rush his healing. Let’s hold off just for a few days, and then you can share.”
Celestia nodded in agreement before pushing the door to Bean’s room open, but then her heart sank into her shoes, and she couldn’t hold back the gasp of concern that came as she took in the full weight of Bean’s injuries.
She reminded herself that it looked worse that what it was. One arm was up in a sling and the other had an I.V. protruding from it, thick bandages were wrapped around his barrel, and an ice pack was resting on top of his head. A heart monitor in the corner showed a steady beat, and Celestia took some comfort in the rhythmic sound. He appeared to still be asleep, with a half-eaten meal on the table next to him and a few water cups scattered on the remaining space.
She quietly walked in, took a deep breath, and then gently rubbed her nose on his. She smiled when he stirred with the touch, and she fought back her tears as those beautiful sea-green eyes fluttered open, then locked on to her.
“Celly?” he whispered hoarsely. “Is that … is it really you?”
“Oh, Bean!” Celestia sobbed, and it took every ounce of willpower she had to keep from sweeping him up and into her embrace. “I was so worried about you, but here you are! Alive, and well, and back with me again!”
“I’m sorry, my love,” he weakly offered. “I’m sorry for what happened.”
“No, no,” she shushed him with a deep and passionate kiss. “What has happened is my fault, entirely. You bear no blame for what has happened.”
“But I disobeyed you.”
“And I will be forever grateful that you did. If you are worried that I am upset with you, please believe me when I tell you I am not. My orders were rash and given out of a desire to protect you, and that was wrong. Your place is here, beside me, no matter what evil or crisis we may face. I promise you will never be apart from me again.”
“I could not ask for anything greater, my love.”
“Say that again, please,” Celestia softly asked.
“My love?”
“Again.”
“My love,” he repeated, and a soft smile came while he kissed his Celestia. “My love, my love, my love.”
~*~
“Thank you, my love.” Bean said once he had swallowed. “This is delicious. Chef Beet has outdone herself.”
“I will be sure to send your compliments along,” Celestia replied with a quick cut of the roasted carrot on Bean’s plate.
“Oh, no more please,” Bean said with a small shake of his head. “I’m feeling pretty full already.”
“You are?” Celestia asked, and she glanced down at the remaining food. “You’ve hardly touched your carrot.”
“I know, and I am sorry,” he said. “It must be something to do with my injuries.”
“I’ll keep the leftovers here for now,” Celestia offered. “Perhaps it would be best for you to just snack here and there for now.”
“That may work better.” He shifted slightly while Celestia fluffed his pillows, and he smiled when she pecked his cheek.
“What else can I do for you?” Celestia asked. “Do you need more water, or another blanket, or perhaps I need to build the fire up more?”
“No, I’m fine this way. Maybe you could bring me my notebook? If I’m going to be stuck in bed, I might as well work on my story.”
Celestia smiled, and with a flash of magic, his notebook appeared with a fresh pencil and a large eraser. Bean took the items with a smile and a thank you, but he grew confused when Celestia oh-so carefully moved onto the bed and laid down beside him. She positioned herself so she was as close as possible without actually touching him, and with another flash of magic, a large pile of paperwork appeared on a nearby table with a quill and inkwell.
“What are you doing?” Bean asked.
“I can take care of the backlog of paperwork from here just as well as I can from anywhere else. Your recovery is my main concern, my love, and I will stay as close as I can so that I may provide you with anything you need.”
“Oh. Well, I’d like that, thank you.”
Celestia gave him a quick kiss, and the first paper floated over for her to review. Bean then slowly inhaled as he opened the notebook, and though his composure remained even on the outside, a massive panic attack began to brew within him.
She’s on to me. I know she knows. She’s acting too calm about all this, she has to know I’m not the Prince. She’s just biding her time, waiting for me to screw up so she can mount my carapace on a pike as a warning to the rest of the hive. And then the Queen! Oh, when she finds out that I’ve failed so soon …
Bob the Bean forced himself to breathe in an inconspicuous manner. All right, don’t get your metasoma in a twist. If she thought you were an imposter, she would have blasted you already. Just play it cool and follow the plan. Your Queen did say that you would be able to overpower her after a couple of days of absorbing her love, so you just need to fool her for a short time. Queen Chrysalis will soon have the Prince wrapped around her hoof, and once she’s completed that phase she’ll come for you. Just think of the rewards! There will be a top crevice reserved just for you, and all the sugar blocks you can stand. She did say she would pay the back overtime that you’re owed, and she’ll even ensure your pension plan is fully funded! Just think of the nice little burrow you’ll be able to build! It’s all there for the taking, Bob. Just a few days, that’s all. Be Prince Bean, and you’ll walk away from this a veritable King.
A sudden surge of incoming love nearly overwhelmed Bob and his disguise. He tried to casually look up from the notebook, and when he did, he found Celestia idly twirling Bean’s Celestial Crystal in her magic.
“What are you thinking about?” he asked while he tried to figure out what to do about the sudden influx of love, other than have it dribble out of his nose.
“Hmm? Oh, I have a few thoughts,” Celestia replied while she conjured a tissue and gently dabbed his nose clean. “I was thinking about how grateful I am that Sergeant Pokey disobeyed my orders. I do not want to think about what would be if he had not gone back out one more time.
“I was also thinking about how fortunate it was that Luna was with me when you were found. She kept me from tearing down the walls of Ponyville’s hospital to get to you, and it was her calm reassurances that helped me to endure the night while Doctor Horsenpfeffer treated you. I would have made some rather destructive decisions otherwise, and it chills me to think that I may have hurt you more without her presence.”
“Those are some weighty thoughts. I am so sorry I made you endure them.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for, my dear Bean. You disobeyed me out of love for our little ponies, and I could never hold that against you.”
Bob gave Celestia a curious glance when she stalled out and averted her gaze to the far side of the room. “Is there something else you want to tell me?”
Celestia’s mouth opened, closed, and then opened again with a complete lack of language proceeding out of it. She then smiled and laughed, and she gave him a quick boop with her nose.
“For now, my love, just worry about healing. Let me take care of everything else.”
A staccato burst of knocks came at the door, and Bob struggled for a moment to place the name of the unicorn who had just walked in. She was new to the staff, and it was clear Celestia did not like her by the way Celestia’s unending stream of sweet love gained a bitter taste of concealed irritation.
“Yes, Miss Lulamoon?” the Princess asked tersely, and she quickly moved to put herself between Bean and the apparent interloper. “What is it?”
“Trixie apologizes for disturbing you, but Miss Inkwell wanted me to inform you that her appointment with Doctor Horsenpfeffer was perfect. She suffered no injuries, and her foal appears to be unharmed as well.”
“I’m glad to hear that, but why did she not tell me herself?”
“Because it seems Junior wished to celebrate the good news by pinching a nerve, and Miss Inkwell cannot feel her rear legs.”
“Oh. I see. Please tell Miss Inkwell that Bean and I wish her well, and that we are overjoyed with the news. Also, make sure she knows that she may take a few days off to recuperate, if needed.”
Trixie nodded. “Anything else?”
Celestia glanced back to Bean, and Bob felt his heart begin to hammer in his chest. She appeared to be looking straight into his soul, and it was like she could tell something was not right. Her overwhelming emotions were far too powerful to pick out the specifics any more than she wanted to tell him something, but was holding back out of concern, or perhaps skepticism.
“No, Miss Lulamoon,” she answered at length. “That was all. Thank you.”
“Very well; I will relay your messages. Good evening, Your Highnesses.”
“Good night, Trixie,” Bob called out.
Celestia then turned her focus back to Bob, and he offered a soft smile to match her own.
“Well! Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, do you have enough room for some ice cream?” she asked.
“How much?” asked Bob.
Celestia smiled. “All of it.”
Bean paused for a moment, and he gnawed on the end of his pencil in thought. “But see, this forces Honeysuckle to double back to the barn with Megan, and then the two of them have to figure out what to do before the villagers find them. Do you think a tunnel would be believable, or would Honeysuckle have enough magic left to teleport them both away?”
The disguised Chrysalis tried to keep her expression neutral, but she had absolutely no idea what he was prattling on about, so she grabbed for the obvious answer. “I think the tunnel would be your best option, love.”
“But why does a barn out in the woods have a random tunnel?” he said mostly to himself. He gave his pencil a furious chewing for a moment, but then he brightened. “I think I’ll have them teleport just a short distance away. Then, they have to outrun the villagers! It’ll give Honeysuckle a chance to show her power range, and her stamina.”
“I’m sure it would.” Chrysalis had to agree, mostly because she didn’t dare say anything else. He’d launched into this story idea of his four hours ago, and he’d been going non-stop since then. There was a distinct risk she’d set him off on a tangent if she offered any sort of suggestion, and it might take another four hours to get him back to simple incoherence.
A knock came at the door, and Chrysalis quite nearly let out a gasp of delight while she quickly moved to it. Once she had opened it and found Underhoof on the other side of it, she stuck a hoof in his face and shook her head.
“Underhoof?” Bean called out. “Is that you?”
“We’ll be right back, my dearest Bean,” Chrysalis quickly answered for him. “I just need to sign off on a few quick resolutions.”
“Oh, okay then. I’ll work on this next bit while you do that. I think I’ll have them try to escape through a swamp. There’s all sorts of fun things to get stuck in that way. Oh! I know! I could add some unusually-sized rodents in there, too! Then, Honeysuckle has to fight them off, and Megan could grab a stick to clobber one over the head, and—”
Chrysalis shoved Thorax back into the hallway and slammed the door shut behind her. Thorax simply sat and said nothing while his Queen dropped her Celestia disguise with a blaze of green fire and groaned loudly. “Thorax, did you put something in that tea you brought us?! He’s been chattering nonstop ever since this morning!”
“It was your usual black tea, My Queen. I added nothing to it.”
“Ugh. Fine, from now on, I want you to bring us something that will put him to sleep. At this rate, I’m gonna strangle him long before I get enough love out of him.”
“Why don’t you just put him in a pod, My Queen?” Thorax asked.
“I’m getting ten times the love out of him this way, but I’m tempted. Didn’t Coxa go over this with you in orientation?”
“I’m afraid I haven’t had a chance to go through orientation yet. At the moment, both Coxa and Trochanter are still working their way through the purchasing department.”
Chrysalis reached up and rubbed both sides of her head in frustration. “Do I have to do everything around here? I wonder why I even bother sometimes, I really do.
“I’ll put it simply, Thorax. I don’t trust Bob to last more than a day under Celestia. There’s too much that he can screw up and get him sent packing to the moon. I need to get as much love out of that Bean as quickly as possible before Celestia kicks the front door in and burns the hive down.”
“Are you trying to match her magic level again?”
Thorax shrunk back while his Queen glared at him. “Don’t insult my intelligence, Thorax. There’s not enough time for me to get that much love. I’m not going to take her on directly again.”
“So, what is your plan?”
“Celly?” Bean called out. “Everything okay?”
“Just fine, my love!” Chrysalis called back in Celestia’s voice.
“Okay. I, um … well, I’m afraid my bedpan needs to be changed.”
“Deal with it, Underhoof.” Chrysalis said with a wicked smile, and she again donned Celestia’s image. “Coxa will go over the details with you later. For now, just follow my instructions and make sure we’re not disturbed. This time, everything will be perfect. Or else.”
Bob liked to think of himself as a simple changeling. He was loyal only to Queen Chrysalis, whom he would follow until the end while doing his best to carry out her delightfully psychotic wishes and commands. He was a frugal bug, who had a modest little crevice to call his own, and he kept it clean and organized like a good little bug should. He had little in the way of possessions, though he did have a cherished - but secret - stuffed Applejack plush that he would talk to when things didn’t go so well at work. He harbored no grandiose plans of fame or wealth, he would never claim to be a great military strategist, and he knew he was not one who could hold an audience in rapt attention with his wit and intelligence. He was a drone, no more and no less.
But as he lay beneath Celestia’s wing, listening to the soft pulses of her heart and feeling the steady rise and fall of her side, he wondered what he could have possibly done to anger his most magnanimous and gracious queen.
That was the only way to explain why he had been sent on this mission of pure and unadulterated torture.
Ever since he had been transplanted up to the Daytime Tormentor’s personal chambers, his entire existence had been going sour, and quite rapidly at that. Princess Celestia absolutely refused to be seperated from “her Bean” - she would even produce a checklist with itemized reasons for her absences from the affairs of Equestria - which meant that Bob had been forced to keep up the charade of being her beloved non-stop. He had expected her to be too busy with doing whatever she did to keep her kingdom going, and so he would have ample breaks. Since that was not to be, he had nearly fallen asleep in the middle of something from fatigue at keeping his physical and verbal disguise going.
Sadly, that wasn't the biggest problem to rear up and bite him in the abdomen.
“Bean?” Celestia gently asked, and Bob’s musings were put on hold while he swallowed hard. “Are you awake, my love?”
“I am, but it’s nothing to worry about.”
A pair of bright magenta eyes focused squarely on him in the darkness, and he had to fight back a shudder. Though he could feel Celestia's concern pouring over him like a pounding waterfall, he always felt like she was looking through his disguise, through his chitin, and straight into his heart. He was sure that, once those feelings of concern and fear for her beloved died down, she would realize what he was and then those huge gold-clad hooves were going to stomp him into a thin green smear.
“But you should be asleep. Are you in pain? On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate it?”
Bob scrunched his muzzle and took in a couple of halting breaths. She was doing it again! Despite the smooth warmth of her concern, it was her horrible love that kept overriding all over emotions and filled him with a need…
A need to …
“AH-CHOO!”
“Oh, dear!” Celestia quickly conjured up a kerchief, and Bob groaned while she cleaned up the mess he’d made with his nose. Out of all the changelings that had ever existed, he just had to be the first one to have an allergy to raw, unadulterated alicorn love.
It was the only explanation that made any kind of sense. Every time the White Horror of a Princess sent even a little love towards him, a horrible tickle would invade his nose, and it was only a matter of time before he would sneeze. This, of course, meant she would send even more love, and he would sneeze even more in a seemingly unending train of misery. Trying to hold it in wouldn’t work; he usually ended up sneezing for what felt like an hour afterwards and an itching line of pinpoint rashes had begun to trace their way down his neck in the direction of his spine. The end of his nose felt like it was being rubbed off with very coarse sandpaper by now, and tears came to his eyes while Celestia finished cleaning him up.
“I hope Doctor Horsenpfeffer can find the source of your allergy,” Celestia whispered, and a trash can floated over to accept the drenched kerchief. “Though it is most puzzling. I don’t know what could have gotten into our room that wasn’t here before.”
“I’m not sure either, but I wish it would go away,” Bob replied, and he meant it.
“It’s so strange that you’ve never had allergies before today,” Celestia continued, and Bob greedily drank in her confusion in the hope it would smother the flood of love that felt as if it were starting to leak out of his ears. “It seems like you should have been exposed to this irritant before now.”
“I think it’s probably comes from my upbringing. We had to keep the kitchen back home as clean as possible, and I really didn’t get out much.”
“Well, we shall soon discover the culprit, and then we can eliminate it,” Celestia replied with a small smile.
With a bugswatter, Bob thought dryly.
“How is your leg? Is it bothering you?” Celestia asked with a glance to the injured appendage.
“No, it’s not too bad at the moment. If I keep it still, it doesn’t hurt.”
“How about your ribs?” she asked, and her nose moved in and rubbed against the fluff on his chest.
Bob fought back another sneeze; he didn't want to spray Celestia with what few brains he had left. Besides being fatal, there was a good chance she’d figure out what it was while washing it out. “They’re a bit sore, but mostly because of the sneezing I think. That does feel nice, though.”
It really did, and Bob gave a contented sigh while the sneeze subsided. Changelings generally did not understand why any creature would want to be covered in hair, and if they weren’t careful, a bug could end up rolling on the floor in hysterics from the ticklish sensation. But Bob was sure his fellow bugs would quickly be convinced of the value, once they felt the same flow of tingles in their own carapace from the gentle rubbing of a hoof through a mane or along a furry chest.
“So, what keeps you awake? You’ve hardly slept over the last two nights.”
“I don’t think it’s anything in particular, my Love,” he replied while he tried to keep his focus on her concern. “I am just restless, nothing more … ugh … ah-CHOO!”
Again with the love! Bob had to force his own annoyance down before he blew his cover in frustration. The pain from having his nose wiped again helped him to push aside what Celestia was force feeding him without her even knowing it, and he sniffled while she clucked over him.
“Oh, my precious love. Perhaps I should summon Luna? She may be able to assist you.”
“No, no,” Bob replied with a barely hidden note of exasperation. “We don't need to trouble her. I think a glass of warm milk would do the trick, or perhaps I should let you smack me with a blunt object.”
“I’m not going to hit you,” Celestia replied with a deep frown. “And I really do not appreciate you suggesting any such thing. I know you are tired and frustrated, but the solution to our problems is not more physical violence.”
Bob nodded. “You’re right, I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.”
Celestia stood, but she kept a wary eye on him. “I will be right back, my Love. Please try to get some rest.”
“Bean? Shouldn’t you be asleep by now?”
“I’m not tired,” Bean replied, and he gnawed on the end of his pencil for a moment. “Hmm. Honeysuckle should have a few more charms, I think.”
Chrysalis took the risk of rolling her Celestia eyes. This pest of a prince had been going non-stop on his story, and thus Chrysalis had been given only a few fleeting moments to herself before she had to coo and fawn over him again, and it had quickly grown to be both irksome and obnoxious.
“You really need to rest, my sweet,” she softly said while sending a sleeping spell towards him. Bean’s writing paused for a moment, his eyes appeared to grow heavy, and his head dipped towards his book.
“Maybe … just a little rest …” he sleepily murmured, but then he suddenly bit down on his pencil hard, snapped back up, and his eyes lit up with delight. “Rest! That’s it! Honeysuckle hasn’t had a chance to rest! How did I miss that?!”
“Bean, please…” Chrysalis begged. “You must sleep. I need you to sleep.”
“Oh, there’s no way I could go to sleep now!” he cheerfully replied, and his pencil flowed over the page with quick and stabbing strokes. “I’ve just had an apostrophe!”
“I think you mean an epiphany,” Chrysalis said while she rubbed the side of her head.
“A lightning bolt of inspiration has just struck my brain. I’ve got to get this down! Now, what happens when Honeysuckle pushes herself too far? Does she lose coherence, or perhaps she just collapses outright? What would be more dramatic? Maybe both.”
“Bean, sleep,” she ordered, and her magic flared wildly.
Bean continued to write for a moment, but then his eyes began to flutter shut. “But, Honeysuckle … needs to get …”
Chrysalis let out a groaning sigh when Bean finally drifted off. This had been so much easier with Shining Armor.* “Thorax! Get in here, you idiot!” (*)That's because she had not expressed any interest in Ogres and Oubliettes. Thankfully.
“My Queen?” Thorax replied, and Chrysalis yelped while leaping up and away from him.
“Thorax! Don’t do that!” she snapped, and she put a hoof to her chest while she tried to breathe.
“You did call for me, My Queen.”
“You are this close to losing your sick time, you know,” she growled. “How are Mandible and Dave?”
“With the recent infusion of love, they should be good for another day and a half or so.”
“You checked the wires and made sure they were tight, right?”
Thorax grimaced and flinched back slightly, as if he had been forced to recall an unpleasant memory. “I, um. I did. I had to make some adjustments to Dave’s negative terminal connection, but it’s secure now.”
“Good. I don’t need another failure. Did you get my new crossword book?”
“I have it right here.” Thorax produced the requested item, and Chrysalis let out a small squeal of delight while she snatched it from him and hugged it tightly.
“Thorax, you loveable bug, you! I might just give you a bonus in your next paycheck for this.”
“Really?”
“No. Now get out of here. I have work to do.”
Thorax left quickly, and Chrysalis glared at Bean. If this yellow nuisance kept fighting her efforts to control him, he was going to find himself stuffed into a pod and left to rot. But how was he able to fight off her magic? Her other victims had never been so resilient, or so stubborn. Even Shining Armor had been bent to her will and whims within a few hours, and though it had taken time to build up enough love to fight off Celestia, she hadn’t had to force the Captain of the Guard to do her bidding like she had to with this Bean.
Could she possibly be losing her touch? The thought came unbidden, but she quickly seized it, slammed it into the ground, punched it a few times, and then kicked it out of her head and into oblivion. She was not losing her touch. It was impossible. There was some other rational and reasonable explanation for what was going on. Once she filled out a crossword or two, she would feel much better, and then she could figure out what was causing his defiance and destroy it.
“Good morning, Your Highnesses,” Doctor Horsenpfeffer offered while she entered their room. “Just making my morning rounds. How did you sleep last night, Bean?”
“Not very well,” Bob admitted. “I was very restless, and I had a few sneezing fits again.”
“I see,” she replied. Her magic wrapped around his injured foreleg, and Bob soaked in her confusion and concern. “The preliminary results from the allergy tests indicate that you don’t have a common allergy, like with peanuts or pollen. It’s going to be a bit tricky to nail down what your allergy is, I’m afraid.”
“Is there anything that can be done to expedite the testing?” Celestia asked. “I don’t want Bean to suffer any more than he has to.”
“I’m afraid not,” Horsenpfeffer said, while her magic shifted to Bob’s barrel. “These tests can’t be rushed. We have to be methodical so we don’t miss it.”
“I see,” Celestia replied, and her wings drooped slightly.
“The good news is that, so far, your injuries seem to be healing quite well,” the Doctor went on. “You still need to take it easy, of course, but I’m sure you would like to get out of this room, and I would like you to be up and moving, too. I want you to rest up for one more day, and then I’ll have a wheelchair sent up for you tomorrow. I want you to go get some sun; a little fresh air and a change of scenery can go a long way sometimes. This might also help with our allergy testing; if you stop sneezing when you leave then we can narrow the search to what is in here.”
Celestia perked up with this news, and her wings ruffled while Bob sneezed again. “I think that is a wonderful idea! We can take a short tour of the gardens, and then perhaps we can share a light luncheon with Cadence.”
“I didn’t know she was here in Canterlot,” Bob replied while his heart began to hammer against his chest. The Princess of Love, here?! They were going to take turns pounding him into bug pâté!
Bob hesitated. What in the world was pâté? He liked the word, but he really didn't know what it meant.
“She returned with us when you were rescued,” Celestia kindly explained. “Shining Armor would be here too, if he could, but neither of them felt comfortable with leaving the Empire devoid of leadership for an extended amount of time.”
“Will Princess Cadance be staying much longer?” Bob asked. “I mean, if I’m recovering, why does she need to be here?”
“She wants to offer the support of the Empire, as well as her own personal service to your needs,” Celestia replied with a slight frown. “She has always been interested in the welfare of others, and she will put their needs above her own without hesitation.”
Bob nodded, and he realized he’d said the wrong thing. The bitter tang of Celestia’s disappointment and suspicion burnt the back of his throat, and he needed to assuage her feelings, before those bitter emotions reacted explosively with the huge quantity of love he was lugging around in his belly. The explosion could level the castle. And him.
"I'm sorry, my Love," he quickly interjected. "That came out wrong, and I didn’t phrase it very well. I’m happy she’s here, and I’m glad she wants to help. I just think her time would be better spent caring for other ponies. You, Luna, and Doctor Horsenpfeffer are taking such good care of me already that I don’t know what she could do to help me recover.”
The tang from Celestia's suspictions lessened, but didn’t completely abate. “At the moment, she feels that you are the one who needs the attention, so she will provide it however she can. She has been handling Day Court and attending my scheduled meetings so that I may remain with you. She was even kind enough to prepare your breakfast this morning, despite the full schedule she is carrying.”
“She did? I’ll have to thank her. She did really good,” Bob replied, while he silently begged for some sort of catastrophic event to descend upon the Crystal Empire and force Cadence to leave. A fire, perhaps, if crystal burned. Or a weasel invasion.
“Princess? Why don’t you come with me to get that wheelchair,” Horsenpfeffer offered. “We can check in on Sergeant Clover Leaf while we’re at it.”
“Oh, yes, I would like to give the Sergeant my personal thanks,” Celestia replied. “We’ll be right back, my love. Just relax for now.”
Bob replied with a sneeze, a groan, and a nod. “Don’t worry. I think I can handle that.”
~*~
“Now then, let’s discuss the Bean-shaped elephant in the room, shall we?” Doctor Horsenpfeffer stated as she and the Princess walked down the hallway.
“His behavior has been most peculiar,” Celestia agreed. “He fluxuates between his normal, delightful self and that … that … that whatever it was he just displayed. Do you think this can be explained by a head injury?”
“That’s just about the only thing that could explain it. There may be some underlying trauma that I haven’t been able to find. The brain is such a complex thing, and it’s hard to tell if there is an injury just with magical scans.”
“So what do we do?” Celestia asked.
“For now, just keep an eye on him and take notes of his behavior. Stay by his side every minute you can. I want to get a good sampling of what exactly he is doing before we bring in a therapist. It may take some time to work out the issues, Your Highness, and there is a chance that he may not be able to recover. Some injuries are beyond our capability to heal.”
Celestia faltered ever so slightly. “I certainly hope not, for Bean’s sake. He has suffered enough for Equestria, and for me.”
“I’ll see to it personally that he receives the best care possible. We’ll do whatever we can, Princess. I promise.”
“Thank you, Doctor,” Celestia replied with a smile. “How is Sergeant Clover’s recovery progressing?”
“She’s doing amazingly well, too. I can’t share specifics, of course, but I believe she’ll be able to make a full recovery and return to her usual guard duties in a reasonable amount of time. I will admit I was worried about the damage to her wing, but it seems to be responding well to our treatments.”
“And Sergeant Hokey Pokey?”
Horsenpfeffer let out a long suffering laugh. “Has the Prince discussed the details of his fight against Tirek with you?”
“No, why?”
“Both Sergeants have told me about an incident that happened just before the attack. It seems that your husband fancied the ragtag group that had rallied behind him as a sort of half-baked Elements of Harmony, and each of them were assigned to an element. Clover Leaf claimed the Element of Confusion, and Hokey Pokey decided he was Stubbornness. I bring this up because it describes perfectly how Pokey has been as a patient.”
“He hasn't been too much trouble, has he?”
“Oh, no,” Horsenpfeffer said with a quick snort of amusement. “He’s simply bound and determined to get back to duty as fast as possible. I’m sure he’ll be back to his post by this time next week, no matter how severe his injuries are. He’s a lot like my ex in a way.”
“His dedication is admirable, though,” Celestia said with a smile. “Do you think he will be able to accomplish this lofty goal?”
“I think he will. His injuries were not as severe, so his recovery is progressing faster. Even if he is not fully healed, I think we can just prop him up in front of your door, and he can guard that with minimal physical exertion.”
The Doctor then spoke about the other injuries that had been sustained in Ponyville while they walked, but thankfully, they were fairly minor in nature and would heal with little intervention. Princess Celestia thanked her for the service she had rendered, but the good doctor simply waved a hoof at that.
“It was my pleasure to help out, Princess, just as it would be for any good doctor. Besides, I'm now one of the most popular ponies in Ponyville thanks to my vast lollipop supply.”
“Your name will forever be spoken of in reverence and smell like sour apple,” Celestia replied, and they both laughed.
“One last thing before we go in.” Horsenpfeffer stopped at a door and took in a long breath. “Sergeant Clover does feel responsible and guilty for what happened to Prince Bean. Perhaps you could say something about this not being her fault?”
Celestia felt a twinge of guilt and regret pierce her heart, and the memory of her outburst in Ponyville flashed in her mind. “I will be most pleased to do so, and to offer my heartfelt apologies. I fear I was the one who made her feel this way.”
Horsenpfeffer nodded and knocked on the door. The was a slight pause before Clover called out, but when Celestia entered the room, both Sergeant Clover and Sergeant Pokey offered a crisp salute.
“At ease, Sergeants,” Celestia said, “and good morning. I did not expect to find you here, Sergeant Pokey.”
“I decided to stop by after my physical therapy session, Ma’am,” Pokey replied. “To what do we owe the honor?”
“I simply wished to see how your recovery was progressing.” Celestia focused in on Clover with a worried frown. “And to offer my apologies. Sergeant Clover, you are not to blame for what happened, and my behavior that day was inexcusable. You did do everything you could to protect my Bean, and I am grateful beyond words for your service.”
Clover gave a soft smile to this. “No hard feelings, Your Highness. That had to be just about the worst way to find out what had happened, and I don’t blame you for freaking out a little. I should have been a better guard.”
“No pony could possibly be expected to do more than you did, not even myself. I will be honored to retain you both as Bean’s personal guards, provided you both wish to remain as such.”
Clover glanced over to Pokey, but then she smiled more when she looked back to the Princess. “I think we’d both like to stay, Ma’am. It’ll take more than a superpowered villain to get rid of us.”
“Then I look forward to your speedy recovery and reinstatement,” Celestia said, her inner joy expressed in her tone. “How severe are you injuries?”
“Oh, not so bad, Ma’am. Really,” Clover replied, and she shuffled a bit in her bed. “I mean, there will be some scars, but I can live with that.”
“Scars?” Celestia’s tone held nothing but trepidation.
“Yes Ma’am. That chimera caught me while I was trying to take off, and his claws left a nice reminder that I was not a welcome visit.” Clover pointed to the bandages on her right side. “Doc stitched me up good, though, so I'll be fine. Besides, it’ll make for a great story later.”
“And your wing?”
Clover reflexively twitched the injured appendage, and a wince came with the action. “Doc says I'll be grounded for a while, and I may need to have another surgery or two on it, but there's no way I'm done, Ma’am. I'll be back in the sky before you know it. Besides," she added with a quick flip of her shortened mane. "Studly stallions dig scars.”
“I certainly hope so,” Celestia replied with a grin. “And how is your recovery, Sergeant Pokey?”
“I'm doing just fine, Ma’am,” Pokey replied. “Nicks and cuts mostly for me, so I'll be back to duty within a week or so.”
“Good. I look forward to seeing you back at your regular post. Doctor, how is Corporal Quillpoint doing?”
“He’s already been discharged, Your Highness.” Horsenpfeffer shook her head and chuckled. “His injuries were relatively minor, but you would think he had been diagnosed with a terminal illness by the way Miss Inkwell fussed and fawned over him. I don't think we need to worry about his care.”
“I would have to agree,” Celestia replied with a laugh, and she turned back to the Sergeants. “Now, if I may impose upon you a bit more, I would very much appreciate it if you could give me your account of what happened during Tirek’s attack, and what you did to prepare for it.”
“Of course, Your Highness. We’ll tell you everything we know,” Pokey replied with Clover’s nod. “Where would you like us to begin?”
“So then Megan and Katrina face each other, their eyes glinting with resolve.” Bean paused, chewed on his pencil for a moment, then glanced up to the disguised Chrysalis. “Is glinting the right word?”
“I think it’s fine, love,” Chrysalis lied. “It fits the mood you are after.”
“Okay, good. Now, there’s a tense standoff, but Honeysuckle uses that time to maneuver around. Just as Katrina raises her staff to strike, Honeysuckle lets loose her own magic bolt, and it’s knocked out of her grasp.”
“Oh, no. Too fast, love.” Chrysalis tapped the page with a hoof. “Let the tension build, let them fight. It’s much more dramatic if Honey strikes right at the last moment, thus saving Megan just in the nick of time.”
“Ooh, right. I didn't think of that.”
Chrysalis hummed while Bean's love flowed with his writing. Of course, if Katrina had a competent bone in her evil body, she could have defeated Megan four or five times by now. Why do the villains in these stories never think past the first steps of their plans?
“Okay.” Bean paused and read what he’d written quickly. “So the day is saved, Megan is reunited with her family, and Honeysuckle announces that it’s time for everypony to return to their own homeland now.”
“Have it be permanent,” Chrysalis offered. “Ponies always find the end of a friendship to be very tragic.”
A worthless sentiment, she added to herself. Friendship is for the weak.
“Oh!” Bean’s eyes went wide, and he nearly bit his pencil in half. “That’s perfect! I can have this whole scene with them not wanting to say goodbye, yet unable to do anything about it. Maybe I could even have Honeysuckle start to fade out, like she’s being erased from existence or something.”
“Oo, that could be a bit dark.” Chrysalis licked her lips. That would improve this drivel immensely.
“You think so? Maybe it needs to be, though. I'll have to think about that one.”
“While you do, why don't I get us something to eat?” Chrysalis offered with a hint of her magic in the words. “You must be hungry from all of this work.”
Bean blinked for a moment, and Chrysalis suppressed her grin when she saw her spell reflect in his eyes. “Yeah, I could eat. What do you suggest, my dear?”
Chrysalis stood and gave Bean a seductive stretch to admire. “Oh, I have something in mind. How about a nice fusilli with artichoke hearts and parmesan cream?”
“That does sound good,” Bean said while he kept writing.
“And to celebrate the finish of your first full story, I'll have Chef Beet pull out a special dulcitto wine that I’ve been saving for a very—” her wing dipped and tickled Bean’s back “—special occasion.”
Bean paused, and his eyes snapped up to her for a moment before they began to dart back and forth. “A wine?”
Chrysalis could taste his confusion, so she dipped her head down and nipped his ear. “Mm, yes,” she whispered. “I personally oversaw the entire process, from when the first furrow was turned in the vineyard to the final bottling. It is the finest vintage Equestria can offer, and it will be all for you and for me.”
Bean gnawed on his pencil for a moment, but then he spat it out and studied the teeth marks he’d left in the writing implement. “You know what? That sounds good. Maybe we could have some spumoni afterwards.”
“That sounds delightful,” Chrysalis cooed. “You work out the details of your story, and I will go order our meal.”
“Okay. Is there any chance I could have two scoops, please?”
“Of course, my dear. I will be right back.”
Chrysalis swayed her hips while she left, but Bean was too absorbed in his writing to notice. She frowned and pouted, annoyed that the Bean wasn't paying attention to her, and the door to the chamber slammed slightly behind her when she left.
She hesitated as a realization swept over het. She should be acutely aware of Baked Bean’s emotions, and yet she felt nothing. There was no love, no confusion. There wasn't even any of the residual happiness that he inadvertently exuded.
She glanced over to Mandible and Dave, and found they were engaged in a conversation about which wood made for the best pulp. The wires powering the illusion spell were still attached and functional, and nothing else in the hallway seemed amiss.
She casually walked down the hallway far enough to be out of sight, but then she stopped again and tapped her horn. Perhaps there was something about holding Celestia’s form for too long that interfered with her ability to absorb emotion. This had not happened to her before, and a feeling of dread began to build within her.
“I am not losing my touch. I am not,” she muttered, but she found her legs had moved up to a trot without her knowing it. “There’s got to be a reason for this. I bet if I asked Thorax, he wouldn't be able to find that Bean’s emotions either. I bet somebug put a load of darkstone down nearby, and it’s interfering with my own magic. That must be it. Thorax!”
“My Queen?” Thorax instantly replied, and Chrysalis let out a shriek.
“Thorax, you do that again and I will personally turn you loose in the middle of Canterlot,” she snarled. “Go gather up a few drones and do an inventory of the unprocessed darkstone. I want every last pebble accounted for, do you understand?”
“Of course,” Thorax said with a small gulp. “I’ll get right on it.”
“Good. Get out of here.”
Thorax scampered away, and Chrysalis let out a snort. This turn of events was highly frustrating, but at least her primary goal was still being accomplished. With or without Bean’s love, Chrysalis knew she was going to win. All she had to do was stay the course, and continue to convince the Prince that she was his Princess.
Chrysalis smiled and chuckled. Everything was still going to be perfect.
Bean glared at the Celestia imposter who had walked into the room with a full tray of food in her magic, despite the confused look she returned to him. It looked like Celestia, and it felt like Celestia. But there was no way that the pony who was gazing back at him with small tears in the corners of her eyes could be his Beloved.
“What was that, my love?” she asked, and Bean doubled down on his furious look. Or, what he hoped was a furious look.
“You. Are. Not. Celestia.” He was precise in his enunciation of the words. “Let me go, immediately.”
Bean then forced himself up, and he bristled with defiance despite the pain that then surged out from his chest and down his leg. The imposter gasped with this action, and Bean worried for a moment that he’d upset his love by being so rash.
“Oh, Bean, don’t do that!” she cried. “Please, lay down before you make your injuries worse. I can’t bear the thought of you being injured more.”
“No.” He tried to say it with conviction, but he found that the emotional pain was just as bad as the physical. Celestia only cared for his well-being, after all, and she just wanted him to heal, so they could …
Bean shook his head, trying desperately to dislodge the treacherous thoughts that were coming to him. This was not Celestia! This mare before him did not have his best interests in mind, and he needed to get away from her as quickly as possible.
“Please?” the fake Celestia repeated, and Bean staggered a bit while the world began to twist and distort on him. Everything took on a greenish hue, and his knees began to give in to the softly spoken request.
“I … I really shouldn’t …” Bean murmured.
“My dear Bean, you are hurt, and sick. I want to take care of you. Please, lay down. I can take all of your pain away, if you will just trust me …”
Bean wanted to listen. Everything in his system was telling him that he needed to relax, that he was being foolish and paranoid. If he would just follow his Beloved’s instructions, everything would be just perfect. He could rest, and his hurt would be swallowed up by her love.
Bean closed his eyes to stop the vertigo, and he thought of his Celestia, the one he truly loved and cared for. He thought of her warm smile, and how her eyes would light up in delight when he would speak with her and share his ideas and his feelings with her. He could feel his own resolve being fortified when he recalled those marvelous moments he had spent with her, and in quick succession, he saw some of those moments flash before him. The memory of their trip to Neighagra Falls was filled with fondness, and the visit to the writer’s convention in Fillydelphia brought back a note of pride when she had assisted him in dealing with the Flim Flam Brothers. He happily recalled the calm peace he had felt during the Officer’s Ball, and a surge of joy came with the memory of their birthday celebrations.
He then went back to their wedding day, or rather, their first wedding day, and he once again felt a calm serenity flow over him as he fondly recalled the touch of her wing as it had slowly draped over him and given him a small squeeze of reassurance. Tears of joy came to his eyes when he recalled the touch of her nose to his, and his conviction doubled with the thought of her smile. He would march into the middle of Tartarus itself and return just to be rewarded with her beautiful smile once more.
That was his love, and that was his Celly. The power of her love swelled within his chest, and when he opened his eyes, there were no doubts in his mind.
“I am Prince Baked Bean of Equestria, Beloved of Her Most Royal Highness, the Princess Celestia. I have sworn my love and my life to her and her alone, and I will not be turned from her for any reason. You will release me, and allow me safe passage back to her Kingdom. I will not be separated from her any longer.”
Bean took one step forward, but the fake Celestia stood her ground and stared at him. “My love, I do believe you are suffering from some sort of delusion. I am your love, here in the flesh. Don’t do this to yourself. Perhaps once you have had something to eat, you will feel better.”
“I will not be dining with you tonight,” Bean stated, and he began to move forward. “I am expected back at my home.”
“No, you’re not.” The fake Celestia smiled while a surge of green magic lept from her horn. “You’re staying right here.”
Bean didn’t falter this time, and he pushed through the evil magic with his head held high. “No, I am not. Step aside, now.”
Celestia blinked once at him, then began to laugh. It started out as a low chuckle, but it grew in intensity, volume, and insanity, and just when Bean reached her position, a blinding flash of green eldritch fire forced him to stumble backwards and back onto the cushions where he had been.
Bean remained defiant but also felt horrified when the skin of the impostor began to peel and flake, burning away in a surge of green magic and leaving a pitch black carapace in its place. Feathers exploded outwards and disappeared in a flash of fire, replaced with thin, perforated, translucent blue dragonfly wings, and the perfect ivory horn became a twisted, gnarled, and corrupted version of what it once had been. The magenta coloring of Celestia’s eyes gave way to a piercing green that held no love or mercy within their soulless depths. Bean instantly realized what he was up against, but he stood again and he snorted out his contemptuous acknowledgment of her name.
“Chrysalis.”
“Well, well. My dear little Bean has gone and spoiled the surprise.” the changeling queen gave a satisfied groan while she allowed herself a luxurious stretch. “But my natural form is far more comfortable that that overweight sun lover’s body, so I suppose I should thank you for figuring it out so soon.”
“Release me, now,” Bean repeated. “I will not be your prisoner any longer.”
“Prisoner?” Chrysalis again chuckled. “Oh, my dear delusional Bean! You are not my prisoner, you are my patient. I’m afraid you won’t be going anywhere until you injuries are healed.”
“Injuries that you could be projecting on to me.” He swept a hoof across the room. “All of this is just as fake as you are, so how do I know you aren’t just brainwashing me into believing I am hurt?”
Chrysalis cooed a bit while she began to circle her prey. “Do you really think you escaped your flight without injury? Go ahead, please! Try to leave this room.”
Bean moved towards the unguarded door, but when his left rear leg attempted to move, he felt a stab of pain shoot outwards with enough intensity to buckle his knees and send him sprawling to the ground.
“There, you see? You are at my mercy at the moment.” Chrysalis stepped back in front of the door, and with another burst of green magic, Bean found himself wrapped from neck to tail in some sort of green, slime-filled cocoon. “You should be grateful I saved you from being a messy yellow splat, you know. Those first two trees you hit were not very understanding to your plight. Had I not caught you then and there, you would have been dinner for a rather hungry chimera.”
Bean grunted and struggled, hoping that the searing pain that was burning his leg off was being hidden by his efforts to escape. “I doubt you had my welfare in mind when you did so. This is a ploy to force me to bow to your whims.”
“What?” Chrysalis put a hoof to her chest. “Perish the thought! As soon as you are healed, I fully intend to return you to that horrible wench you call wife. You do belong to her, after all, and I’m not that kind of a thief.”
Bean narrowed his eyes while Chrysalis levitated the nearby wine bottle and two fluted glasses over to herself. “You can’t win, you know. The only way you could have gotten away with this is if you’d sent one of your changelings back disguised as me. Celestia will realize what you’ve done, and she’ll incinerate this hive when she comes to reclaim what is hers.”
“Oh, I am counting on that.” Chrysalis filled both glasses to the rim, and she shrugged when Bean clamped his lips shut and twisted his head away when she presented one to him. “Though, given the fact that my decoy has fooled your wife for two full days now, I don’t think she’s being very observant. Perhaps my dear little drone is a better husband than you are?”
“She will come for me once she uncovers your deception. Your minion is succeeding only because my Beloved is concerned for my well-being.”
“You go ahead and tell yourself that.” Chrysalis took a slow sip from her own glass, then gave Bean a fang-filled grin. “But until she does discover the truth, you will be staying here.”
“I’m not going to help you with whatever ridiculous scheme you have cooked up.”
“Oh, I do wish you would reconsider that,” Chrysalis purred, and in a burst of green flame, Celestia stood before him again. “Consider what I can offer you. You want your Celestia? Here she is, ready and willing for you to take her into your hooves and kiss her passionately.”
“You’re too big for me to take into hoof.”
“Are you calling me fat?”
“Yes.” There was no hesitation in his response.
“Feisty,” Chrysalis said with a sultry smile. “I like it. But, consider for a moment that you have the equally seductive Luna living under the same roof as you, and you are a stallion. Hearts tend to wander, and the younger sister is dark and mysterious. With me, you can have her, too.”
Another flash of fire came, and a perfect replica of Luna appeared before him, circling her bait with hungry eyes. “Don’t deny it, you have felt attracted to me, fair prince. I have been without companionship for over a thousand years, and my troubled world yearns for the calming touch that only a stallion can bring.”
Bean stayed with his defiant, ‘won’t happen in a million years’ look, and ‘Luna’ chuckled. “There is yet more, my young stud. Perhaps two princesses are not enough for you? With me, you can have them and the young student.” Another flash, and Twilight Sparkle now whispered into his ear, though she had to stand on tip hoof to do so. “Mounting the Diarchs of Day and Night must be difficult for a stallion of your stature. With me, you won’t have that issue. You’ll be the taller one! Wouldn’t it nice to not have to struggle and strain just to have a good time?
“Ah, but perhaps your heart secretly yearns for the forbidden, hmm?” she asked, and in a flash Cadence now stood before him. “I do a mean Cadence impersonation; just like her in fact. What would it be like to have the Princess of Love all to yourself? Don’t try to tell me you’ve never had that thought cross your mind.”
Cadence’s hoof gently traced the edge of Bean’s jaw, despite him turning away from her as much as his bindings allowed. “I see it in your eyes, Baked Bean. You maintain the outward appearance of piety, but deep inside you’re just like every other stallion that has ever been. You’ll love Celestia until life becomes routine and dull, and then your heart will seek for that surge of pleasure that you used to feel. You will leave Celestia for another, sooner or later. But if you accept my terms, you can have any mare you want, whenever you want. Royal, common, purple, teal, pegasus, unicorn, or even griffon, if that’s what turns you on! I can provide all of that and more, far more than you can comprehend. Just say it, love. That’s all it will take.”
Bean didn’t hesitate with his response. “I will not betray Celestia. There is nothing you can offer that would compare to the joy and perfect completeness that I receive from her, and even the length and breadth of your ‘kingdom’ is but a speck compared to her majesty. You have already lost, Chrysalis. The only question is how long you will persist in your futile efforts, and how many will be hurt in the process.”
There was a pause, but Bean could tell he had gotten under Chrysalis’ chitin. There was a brief flash when the Queen again resumed her regular form, but her face kept a sneer of contempt.
“Fine. I had hoped to avoid this, you know. I was trying to be nice, tending to your injuries and allowing you to feel Celestia again at your side; but I can just as easily move forward with my plans without doing so. I will not be so denied without punishing you.”
Her mangled horn flared with magic, and Bean suddenly felt like someone was taking an oversized railroad spike and driving it into his forehead with every last bit of Rockhoof’s strength. He gasped, gagged, then cried out in pain while Chrysalis cackled in wicked delight, but she simply poured more and more magic into her spell, and she did not relent for several minutes.
Bean let out a whimper when Chrysalis finally stopped, and every last inch of him felt like he had decided to take a leisurely stroll on the surface of his wife’s sun. He panted and gasped for air, and Chrysalis again traced his jawline with her hoof with a pleased and seductive grin.
“I very much doubt that your wife will be able to stop me this time, Baked Bean.” Her tone was dangerously soft, and the malicious intent danced with glee upon her words. “You have managed to fight off my control so far, but you cannot do so indefinitely. Now that I am not restricted by pleasantries, that magical surge you were just allowed to enjoy will turn your brain into mush within a few hours. By the time your precious wife’s sun breaks over that eastern horizon tomorrow, you won’t know up from down or left from right, let alone your own name. You will believe me to be your dear Celly, and then I will quite happily return you to the real Celestia.
“Then the real fun will begin,” she whispered into his ear. “You see, the magic I’m using to twist your thoughts is very much like a poison, one that can spread and infect others. You’ll toodle on back, oblivious to the fact that you were ever with me, and then the next time she weaves her magic in with yours, my humble little spell will travel the lines and corrupt her too. Just think of it! The great Princess Celestia, reduced to the intelligence level of a potato! Isn’t it just so delicious? Her own prince will be her downfall, and you’ll never know it!”
“Princess … Luna …” Bean moaned.
“Will be a minor inconvenience,” Chrysalis finished for him. “The last time I checked, she sleeps during the day. Subduing her will be like asking Celestia to eat a piece of cake.
“Oh, and before you try to suggest that ponies will notice, I’m afraid I must destroy that little hope, too.” Chrysalis pulled back and licked her lips. “When Celestia is taken out, I will step in as her replacement. Don’t worry, I’ll have to keep her around to raise the sun and moon, of course; or, at least until I figure out how she does it. But if I look like her, talk like her, and have you by my side, who will question the truth that is right before their eyes? Equestria will be mine, and then it will be open season for my dear little drones. Your precious little kingdom will fall, and there is nothing you can do about it.”
Chrysalis chuckled in glee while her goblet of wine again appeared, and Bean’s mind tried to work out a way to stop this horrible monster. He had to warn Chrys - Celestia, before she tried anything, but how? Bound in the cocoon as he was, he could not run, and even if he did break out, there were bound to be changeling guards around. What could he do? What options remained open to him?
“You really should try the wine, love,” Chrysalis offered. “This will be the last time you will be able to truly appreciate the finer things of life.”
Life. His life with Celestia was threatened. Celestia’s life was threatened. He had to do something. He mentally kicked himself, desperate to prevent the inevitable, and he shut his eyes so tightly that he saw little lights on the insides of his eyelids.
But then a gloriously frantic thought came to him, and his eyes popped open. It was a long shot, and if Chrysalis had done any homework, this idea would shrivel up like a raisin.
But it could work. He took a quick glance over his foe, but Chrysalis noticed and she preened a bit while he did so.
“Oh, coming to your senses now, are we?” she asked, and she gave him a sultry pose to enjoy.
“You have wings.”
Chrysalis rolled her eyes. “An astute observation.”
“You have a horn.”
“I also have green eyes, Prince Obvious. What other physical feature would you like to point out?”
“You are an alicorn.”
Chrysalis laughed. “Oh, no. I am no mere alicorn, Mister Bean. I am a veritable goddess.”
Bean forced out a smug smile. “How many times have we booped noses lately?”
Chrysalis barked out a laugh. “I think my magic is melting your brain even faster than expected. What does that have to do with anything?”
“If you’re an alicorn, then you are subject to the same law that forced Celestia to marry me. I guess since I’m already married, I don’t count, but have you bumped noses with anypony else recently?”
The Queen of the Changelings’ expression soured instantly. “Explain yourself.”
“I didn’t know the law applied to all alicorns!” Mandible protested, and he pawed at the invisible force that held him pinned to the wall by the throat. “I barely knew this law even existed!”
“I told you specifically to make sure all the loose ends were tied up, Mandible!” Chrysalis slammed him into the floor and put a hoof on his chest. She was trying to sound threatening, but even she was having a hard time making out what she was saying from behind the thick steel wired muzzle she now wore. Besides, a little physical punishment tended to go a long way with her daft minions. Provided she did not “incentive” them into unconsciousness, of course. “All that time, and you couldn’t be bothered to look at the one simple, idiotic reason Celestia and that Bean are together?!”
“Gurk!” managed Mandible from under the crushing foreleg of His Divine Queen. He managed to take a frantic breath when she relaxed her pressure slightly, allowing him to blurt out in one long burst of words, “Most ponies spoke of it like it was some sort of dusty old law that didn’t matter anymore. I couldn’t even find a version to read; the original is under lock and key and the copies are in the hooves of judges and lawyers. They taste awful,” he added.
“I ask so very little of you, Mandible,” she purred in deadly tones. “A little love here and there, perhaps some undying loyalty, and the capacity to complete a job in its entirety,” she finished with a snarl. “You do realize that if that yellow stain in there is right, everything I have been working towards will be undone? Our hive, and any hopes you have of moving into upper lower mid-management will be burnt to a crisp when Celestia comes calling.”
“But you should be fine, My Queen. It’s not like you’ve let your nose be touched by anypony, or anybuggy.”
Chrysalis’ head snapped up, and one eye twitched. It couldn’t be. Fate wouldn’t dare to be so cruel to her. Swallowing the bitter pill of inglorious defeat in front of her whole hive when her wedding to Shining Armor had failed was bad enough, but that would be peanuts compared to this.
“Nopony has touched my nose?” she repeated in a whisper, and Mandible glanced around the hallway for a convenient exit.
“Yes, My Queen. I suppose you could just boop one of your drones and then marry them to be safe, but I wouldn’t dare to presume to be the one who should be so favored to be your husband.”
“Sergeant Hokey Pokey.” Chrysalis’ eyes widened in horror. “He got me! His infernal nose touched mine when he came to warn me about Tirek! He’s the reason I’m losing my touch!”
“He did?” Mandible asked, a confused and disappointed look on his face. “But how did he do that?”
“Who cares how, you moron!” she thundered, and Mandible whimpered while he cowered before her rage. “If I don’t marry him in the next twenty four hours, I’ll lose all my magic!”
“I don’t think the law worked that way, My Queen.”
“Well, we don’t know for sure, do we?!” Chrysalis ripped the muzzle from her face and flung it at Mandible. “Somebug forgot to get the details! I can’t take the risk of that Bean being right! We have to go grab Pokey now! THORAX!”
“My Queen?” Thorax replied from her right side, but Chrysalis simply lashed out and put him in a chokehold.
“You will stay here and guard Prince Bean. Make sure he does not leave. Fail me, and I will mount you alive in a display case with the sharpest pins in existence. Am I clear?”
“Crystal clear, My Queen,” Thorax gagged. Chrysalis dropped him, then turned back to Mandible.
“You’re coming with me. We are going to fix this little problem you’ve created, and then I’m going to dip you in honey and stuff you head first into a fire ant hill. Maybe then you’ll learn how to see a job through to the end.”
Despite the frequent need to remind himself of that fact, he truly was faithful and loyal. Perhaps not as faithful as Bob or Mandible, but those two were a few sparks short of a lightning bolt, in his opinion. Mandible had a bizarre crush on Queen Chrysalis, and he was going to get himself fed to a pack of timberwolves if he didn't behave himself, and Bob was just a fanatic, pure and simple. No matter how twisted or deadly the command, Bob was always the first to act, and he’d proclaim the greatness of his illustrious queen while doing so.
It went a long way in explaining why Bob had allowed his Queen to bash him against the trees that Prince Bean had crashed through, and why he’d allowed Mandible to gnaw on him while disguised as a chimera.
No, Thorax’s main problem was his own rather unorthodox views. Though he mainly kept his odd notions to himself, he did wonder about the methodology employed by his queen, and he often had contemplated what it would be like to have a…
Well, a friend.
The concept of friendship was very poorly understood by changelings in general. There were acquaintances and co-workers, but the idea that two individuals could care about the well-being and interests of another - without thinking about how it would best benefit themselves - ran nearly opposite to the entire changeling way of life. Survival was the most important instinct any creature possessed, and anybug who did not worry about his own life tended to have issues preserving it.
Yet, as Thorax stood guard in the former Princess Suite, he couldn’t help but ponder on what provided Baked Bean with the motivation to resist. Granted, his relationship to Celestia was a bit more than friendly, yet there was the clear impression that the Equestrian prince was fighting just as much for his friends as he was for his love. Baked Bean was worried about what would happen to those whom he knew, and those whom he had stewardship over, and it appeared he was willing to sacrifice everything - up to and including his own life - in order to keep them safe.
Thorax secretly wished there was a bug who could care enough about him to do the same. Most of his fellowlings would have given up by now and begged for Chrysalis’ forgiveness to boot. What could possess any creature to value the life of another above their own? Why would Bean willingly endure this pain?
Even now, Thorax couldn’t feel any of Bean’s feelings. Normally, a changeling could pick up on background emotions, be they happy or sad, concerned or relaxed, or any feeling in between. But trying to pick up anything from Bean was like trying to read emotions from a rock*, and it required an immense amount of willpower to hide one's emotions completely. *There was that one time Thorax had picked up on a faint scent of loyalty from a small rock that was being carried by Maud Pie, Mandible’s crystal supplier, but he’d promised himself to never think of that incident again. It always gave him the heebie-jeebies.
“How does it taste?”
Thorax glanced around the room, then back to Bean. He wasn't expecting the captive to talk, since normally prisoners were fully encased in the pods. His Queen had left Bean’s head exposed for reasons known only to her, while everything from Bean’s neck down was suspended in the neutralizing goo.
“What?” Thorax asked.
“How does my heart taste right now?” Bean repeated. “Bitter? Sour? Spicy? I imagine it's maybe like raw garlic, or perhaps an onion that’s been on the shelf for too long.”
“Are you referring to your emotions? Because if you are, then you don't taste like anything at the moment.”
“You can't taste my fear?” Bean whispered.
“We don't taste emotions, you know,” Thorax continued. “At least, not like how you ponies taste. It’s difficult to explain.”
“I suppose I lack the proper frame of reference, or something like that.” Bean’s eyes flicked up to met Thorax’s gaze. “I wouldn't be able to understand unless I was a changeling.”
Thorax shook his head. “No, you could probably understand, if I had a way to describe it. I always have a hard time when I try to describe anything.”
“Did you ever try using adjectives?”
Thorax tilted his head to one side. “What’s an adjective?”
There was a pause, but a slow smile crept across Bean's face. “It’s definitely not an adverb. I learned that pretty quickly when I first started out. An adjective is a word or a phrase that names an attribute. You use it to modify nouns.”
“I don’t think that would help with my problem.”
Bean nodded. “Probably not. Maybe a simile would be better.”
“Look, it doesn't matter. Queen Chrysalis will be back when she finishes stewing, and she’s gonna be super upset if she finds me talking to you.”
“I think she’s already past upset. Livid would fit a bit better. Inchoate, maybe.” Bean shook his head. “No, that’s not right. I need my dictionary.”
Thorax hesitated for a moment. “Why are you doing this to yourself? You know you can't do anything to stop my Queen from succeeding. Once she eliminates this marriage issue, she’s gonna have everything she needs.”
“Because I still care.” Bean slumped forward, and he let out a mirthless chuckle. “I’m doing all this because Celly is more precious to me than life itself, and I can't bear the thought of anything happening to her. You know what that’s like, right?”
“No.” Thorax glanced over his shoulder, and lowered his voice. “I mean, our Queen wants us to love her, but she’s always so sarcastic and cruel. I don’t like it when she’s mean. Couldn’t she say ‘please’ every now and then?”
Bean gave a slow nod to this. “So you do know what it’s like, just in a different way. Do you like how your Queen is treating me?”
Thorax took a step back. This conversation was becoming far more personal than he was comfortable with. “It doesn’t matter what I think. I’m just here to follow orders.”
“No, you clearly are not like the others,” Bean replied in a contemplative tone. “If you didn’t care, you’d just stand there and glare at me. You’re not just a mindless drone, and you don’t just follow orders. You don’t like what’s going on, do you?”
Thorax glanced behind him again. The by-laws that governed the changeling universe practically forced Chrysalis to show up at this exact moment to overhear his treachery, yet there was still no sign of her. “I, um … I don’t necessarily condone what’s happening, but I would never think of questioning the beautiful and glorious Queen Chrysalis. Her wisdom is above all, and her reign will be forever.”
Thorax turned completely around as soon as he finished speaking, but there still was no irate queen behind him.
“You’re scared, too,” Bean offered. “You want to please your Queen, and you don’t want to be punished for being a rebel and a nonconformist. But try as you might, you can’t fully suppress your feelings, and you don’t like how the Hive is run.”
“No, the Hive is managed quite well,” Thorax offered over his shoulder while he glanced up and down the hallway. “I get five hours of sick time per year, four hours of vacation, and a half percent match on my retirement fund contributions. Before we left to abduct you, my construction bloc was operating at eighty-three percent of capacity, a full three percent better than the rest of the hive! We got a nice coffee mug and a kudos in our files for that. If the rest of the Hive can match it, we might even get coffee to put in the mugs. Oh, and we have a pretty nice dental package, too.”
“But do you have a friend, Thorax?”
Thorax tried to scoff, but it came out more like a wheezing cough. “Changelings don’t need friends.”
“I would be your friend.”
Thorax closed the door, ‘accidentally’ locked it, and turned back to Bean. “You would? Really?”
“That’s what you want, isn’t it? Don’t try to deny it, I can see it in your eyes and in your body language. You maintain the outward appearance of a loyal changeling drone, but deep down, you don’t want to steal love, or hurt others. You want to have somepony to talk to, a pony - or even a fellow changeling - who will share jokes with you, or maybe go on a picnic, or even just somepony who would give you a hug when you’re feeling sad. We’re not so different, really.”
“Yes, we are. Ponies are nice, and kind, and loving; but changelings are evil. We steal, we maim, and we defeat anyone who stands in our way. Just look at what we did to Princess Cadence’s wedding.”
Bean gave Thorax a knowing look. “Yes, but you didn’t want to have anything to do with that, did you?”
Thorax dipped his head. “Ponies have so many amazing things to teach us, if we would just listen to them! Despite all of the different ideas and opinions that you all have, you can still care about what happens to each other. If anything, being different brings you closer together. If we changelings could learn to share friendship, I bet we wouldn’t have to steal love!
“But, nobuggy around here will listen to me,” Thorax went on in a contemplative tone. “We just want to steal and consume. I tried to leave the Hive after the attack on Canterlot, but everytime I would think about escaping, something would come up that kept me back. If I … if you took me back with you - to Canterlot, I mean - do you think I could make new friends there?”
Bean grunted in pain, and he went rigid for a moment before hissing out the breath he was holding. “I won't mince words. Making friends after everything that's happened here would be as hard as my thick head. Some ponies may never accept you, no matter what. However, if you could show everypony that you're not like the changelings they think they know - that you really want to change and to be a friend to others - then I’m sure you could make all sorts of new friends.”
“But what if you’re wrong?” Thorax glanced back at the door quickly. “What if nopony likes me?”
“We won’t know for sure if we don’t try. Even if nopony else wants to be friends with you, I will be your friend.”
A loud bang on the door made Thorax jump in alarm, and he quickly skittered over to unlock it while somebug shouted unintelligible threats into the room. Once open, Thorax found an extremely irate Trochanter on the other side, a paper in hoof and a scowl on her face.
“You didn’t sign off on your timesheet again, Thorax! This is the fifth time we’ve been over this!”
“I’m sorry! I got so busy trying to tend to the needs of our Queen that—”
“I don’t want to hear your excuses,” Trochanter cut him off. “You had plenty of time to take care of this. It’s not that hard to just put an X on the line. You have to come with me so we can get the coaching session out of the way.”
“I can’t leave, Trochanter,” Thorax protested. “I was told to guard Prince Bean.”
“This can’t wait, Thorax. If I don’t get my documentation in by the end of the day, then Chrysalis will come after me and rip my horn off. Just lock the door. It’s not like the pony can get out of that cocoon anyway.”
“But,” Thorax weakly moaned, and he glanced back towards the Prince.
“But nothing. The longer you stand there and stammer, the longer this’ll take. The pony isn’t going anywhere, so quit worrying.”
Bean nodded and gave Thorax an encouraging smile. “You go ahead, Thorax. I'll just work on my book while you’re gone.”
“Let me double-check the pod really quick.” Thorax buzzed over to Bean, despite the growl of annoyance and the furious hoof tapping that came from the highly irritated Trochanter. He ran his hooves over the surface of the pod quickly, and then he nodded and buzzed back to the door. “Everything looks good. Let's go get this coaching session over with.”
The door to Bean’s prison cell slammed shut, and the rattle of a key in the lock echoed in the room for a brief moment. Silence then permeated the room …
...except for the quiet dripping of green ichor that came from the small incision in the thick skin of the pod.
A gap that grew wider as Bean applied his remaining earth pony strength against it.
Princess Celestia was worried.
This news was rather unremarkable, under normal circumstances. It was no secret that the fair Princess of the Day cared deeply for the happiness and well-being of her subjects.
But there was one who held a special place within her heart, and that pony currently had his face buried in a kerchief, having been seized once again by a sneezing fit.
Bean was broken. Her love, her light, her precious Bean had been dropped and shattered like a priceless vase, and Celestia’s deepest fear was that she would never be able to fit the pieces together in the proper order again.
She was grateful that many of the large pieces that made her beloved who he was were still intact. He still expressed a desire to be helpful and to do whatever work he could, he still showed a great interest in writing and cooking, and he would turn into even more of a limp noodle whenever she would nip in his mane and at the base of his ears than before.
But it was the tiny fragments - the little pieces of his personality that gave Bean his unique flavor - that seemed to be lost, and perhaps they had already been swept away and tossed into the dustbin of history.
The dread that her Bean would never fully be her Bean again had only grown as she had carefully observed his actions and movements. He had lost that charming touch to his pronunciation of words that marked him as a true Salt Licker, for one thing, and he no longer displayed his normal wit and humor. He had become cold and serious, unwilling to engage in conversation for more than was absolutely necessary and never with direct eye contact.
She still loved him, of course, and Celestia reminded herself of that fact every time she saw him, allowing her love to pour over him in the forlorn hopes that it would provide a respite for his suffering. He was still hers, and despite the allergic reaction that had again taken over his body, he would forever remain so. Even if he were nothing more than a vegetable, she would love and care for him.
But how could she fix him? What could she do to bring back what had been lost? It broke her heart to see him groan and sniffle while he blew his nose, and she wasn’t sure she could bear the ache that came with each cough and each used tissue. Celestia hated to see him suffering, and she desperately wanted to just whisk away every ill that had befallen him and snuggle him back to where he had been before this horrible waking nightmare had overtaken both of their lives.
Celestia both heard and felt a few hairs pop out of place in her mane while Bean grumbled and readjusted himself on the checkered tablecloth. Cadence was due to join them at any moment with their luncheon, and Celestia hoped that the meal might help to restore some of those lost pieces.
“Are you alright, my love?” Celestia quietly asked, before receiving another sneeze for a reply.
“Ugh. Yeah, I’m fine.” Bean wiggled his rump again for a moment. “I think I found a rock.”
Celestia’s magic quickly picked him and the tablecloth up, and she gave the grass beneath him an analysis that was more thorough than her review of most laws that came across her desk. “There shouldn’t be any rocks in this private garden area. I will have to have a conversation with the garden staff about letting such things go unnoticed.”
“It’s not a big deal, my love,” Bean replied.
Celestia swept the grass one more time, then tenderly lowered Bean back down to where he had been. “It is a big deal if it will aggravate your injuries, Bean. I don’t want you to suffer any more.”
Bean sneezed yet again, and a few more hairs frayed out of Celestia’s ethereal mane. Was she, in fact, doing more damage by offering so much assistance? Could she possibly be harming her Prince with her efforts to rehabilitate him? The very notion sent a cold chill cascading down her spine, and her hooves went numb. She should be the one pony in all of Equestria who could cure him, not harm him more!
“Celly? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, my love,” she lied, and she forced out a smile that probably looked like it had killed a grimace and was now trying to wear its skin. “I’m just a bit lost in thought, nothing more.”
“Oh. What are you thinking about?”
Celestia’s heart began to race. How could she begin to explain the fears that had possessed her? “Just a little of this and a little of that. How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine, I guess.” He shrugged, and his gaze moved from her to the ground. “I mean, I’m doing as well as can be expected, all things considered.”
This was her fault. Celestia felt the guilt of her actions pressing down like the whole of Canterlot had just been placed upon her back. If only she had just explained why she wanted him to go to the safehouse, or even if she’d kept him by her side during the entire ordeal. Tirek would have banished him with her, and the two of them could have comforted each other while waiting for Twilight’s victory. All of his pain, all of his injuries, all of the parts of his personality that had been lost…
All because she had not trusted her Bean.
Her sorrow compounded when she realized this had happened before. While the details were different, the core of what had happened to Luna just before her fall was almost exactly the same as now. Celestia had chosen the easy way out once again, and once more a beloved member of her family was forced to suffer because of her selfish ways. Luna had been lost to the Nightmare, and now Bean …
The most perfect pony to ever come into her life, and Celestia had callously pushed him aside. For all of her talk and claims of equality between them, she still had ordered him about like the commoner he had been before he had met her. Celestia had gotten what she wanted, but the price was turning out to be beyond what she could ever hope to pay.
Celestia's gaze drifted to his injured leg, and a piercing arrow of regret struck her heart and froze it solid. If her efforts to help were, in fact, hurting him, then there was the distinct possibility that she would have to leave in order for him to heal.
The very thought elicited a gasping breath that she barely managed to hide. For over a thousand years, she had stood alone and apart, beholden to none and accountable to none. There were times back then when she liked to think of herself as a lone oak tree; one that stood strong and proud by itself and could weather any storm that could come.
Then this exceptional stallion had stumbled into her life and charmed his way into her heart. She had never realized how destitute and forsaken she had felt as that lone tree, but a new and wondrous forest of feelings had grown around her and within her while she became acquainted with his genuine intimacy and devotion.
To leave him now would be a pain that she did not believe she could endure. She would rather tear her own heart out and present it to her most treacherous enemies as a trophy.
But if he could be made whole, either in her absence or because of it, then she would do what had to be done. Celestia would willingly give her life, even, if she knew of a surety that such an act would restore her Bean.
But then there was a faint flutter in Celestia’s stomach, and her eyes widened in horror.
Epiphany.
Bean still did not know about his daughter, and she felt a wave of nausea smash into her like a runaway freight train. How could she possibly tell him about her pregnancy now? How would he react? Would she have to withhold this most precious gift from him? The torrent of concerns, questions, and doubts threatened to drown her, and a cold numbness quickly flowed over her entire body. The very thought of her own flesh and blood being introduced to this shell that resembled the loving father Celestia had fallen head over hooves for was a thought too far.
Both Bean and Epiphany deserved so much better.
Celestia clearly felt her last nerve snap with this thought, and her mind desperately began to claw and scratch for a solution that seemed to be impossible. There had to be a way to restore her Bean and to bring back what he had lost. She needed to have her Bean back. But how? She clenched her jaw tightly and began to grind her teeth, while her mind began to crank out ideas and possibilities.
Bean sneezed again, and Celestia stared at him, hoping that an obvious answer would somehow appear in his yellow coat. Therapy offered only a faint glimmer of hope, and could take years, if it actually worked. Having him visit his family might be an option, but he remembered his parents and cousins, so she wasn’t sure what could be accomplished with that. Maybe she could have Twilight and the other Element Bearers … no. He was not evil, so there was nothing to purge.
Celestia shook her head. There was no quick fix for this; no magic that could undo the damage. The best thing for Bean right now was love, unconditional and undying.
It's so terrible, though. The more I love him, the more he sneezes, which makes me love him more, and he sneezes more, like he's allergic to my—
Ponies could sense emotions on a deeper level, but there was one creature who fed on love by disguising themselves and pretending to love in return. One evil, diabolical, loathsome creature who could not understand just why their disgusting feeding was such a threat to Celestia's loving and trusting ponies. And that creature was—
Celestia’s eye twitched. She couldn't believe it. She refused to believe it. Fate wouldn't dare to be so cruel to her. There had to be another explanation. But how could she know for certain?
"Hey," said Bean with a short blow into his kerchief. "I'm feeling better now. It must be the fresh air of the garden."
Celestia nodded. There was one way she could tell for sure if this really was her Bean. “Tu es très moche, non?” she whispered with a nip of his ear.
“What?”
Celestia saw a spark of panic in his eyes, and that spark lit something within her. “Je sais que tu peux comprendre. Je parle clairement.”
“Oui?”
Celestia giggled, and she began to nibble at the base of his neck. “Oui. Vous ne parlez pas un mot de prançais, n'est-ce pas?”
Celestia then moved up his neck, and she gently kissed a specific spot. It had never failed to elicit a reaction before, and she knew that it would again make him smile and shudder with delight.
She kissed. She nibbled. She begged deep inside that the terrible truth that she suspected was false.
“Um, love?” Bean pulled away and rubbed his neck. “That kinda hurts. Could you not n'est-ce pas so hard?”
Celestia let loose a wild and frantic blast of magic, and the spell struck Bean square in the chest. If this was her Bean, the spell would hurt him badly, but otherwise…
There was a flash of green, and Bean’s yellow coat instantly melted away to reveal a black carapace and a thin pair of translucent wings.
And with that, Celestia no longer felt the cold chill of despair or the numbness of defeat. A furious rage roared to life within her chest, and the ensuing bonfire burned away every other emotion she had been feeling.
“Changeling,” growled Celestia. She stood and rose up to her full height as a wave of heat swept over the garden path, turning the green grass underhoof into blackened dry husks. “Where. Is. MY. BEAN!"
Bob was seriously reconsidering his choice of employment.
There had been nothing in Queen Chrysalis’ description of his duties that included Fire. Or Incineration. Or Total Physical Disruption.
He really loved his Queen, for the record. Nothing could be as deadly and beautiful at the same time as his beloved Queen Chrysalis. Her every move and every word was graceful and smooth, like how a spider could dance about on the delicate strands of its web. Hers was a power that was confident in itself, and it only grew with every bit of love that her loyal subjects provided to her.
No, Bob was now realizing that he really should have thought through what his Queen had meant when she had pointed out the ‘other duties as assigned’ section in his employee handbook.
He had no idea how he’d managed to dodge Princess Celestia’s first blast of magic, which had left a glass-lined crater where he had been sitting moments before. He also wasn’t quite sure how he had managed to get back into the palace, but he did remember being forced to run because of the sudden appearance of pegasus guards in the air above the gardens. He poured every last bit of love-boosted effort he could into his hooves, and he was grateful beyond words that his injuries had been mostly faked.
Bob cursed his luck when a pair of unicorn guards appeared in the hallway in front of him, but he managed to send them flying backwards through several nearby windows with a shot of his magic. He was still holding a significant store of Celestia’s love within him, and perhaps he could use that to amplify his magic, punch through the palace defences, and make a mad dash back to the hive.
Every alternative that came to him in that moment ended with him being splatted, stomped, and possibly even barbequed after marinating in a hollandaise sauce.
It was not his imagination. Bob did not have an imagination, as far as he knew. No, Celestia had told him as much, in shrieks of rage between blasts of magic that had shattered statues, devastated hedges, and sent geysers of burning soil into the air directly behind him.
A blast of lesser magic ricocheted over his head, and Bob twisted slightly to return the guard’s fire. He had managed to lose Celestia, leaving only a squad of scattered guards on his smoldering tail. Thankfully, the return blast of love-powered magic he shot down the corridor left them tossed in all directions like bowling pins, and for a second, Bob thought his ill-conceived plan had a chance at succeeding.
The wall next to Bob did not explode so much as it simply was there one moment, and not the next, sending masonry and marble flying everywhere with a cloud of white dust. The sound of it shattered Bob’s eardrums, and he realized in that moment that he was a dead bug running.
Celestia was mad.
With a shriek of fear, he poured every last bit of energy and magic that he could into his wings. Celestia’s hoofbeats thundered down the hallway in perfect synchronisation to the snorting blasts of volcanic fumes that burned down the back of his carapace, and each of her steps tore large chunks of marble from the floor in a furious eruption of sparks and fire. Her peytral had turned into a liquid mass that flowed over her withers and shoulders in rivulets of gold, and her tiara had melted into her mane in streaks and waves that made Bob think of solar flares. Her eyes burned with a golden fury that knew no bounds or limits, and it was clear that those eyes would never rest until Baked Bob was no more and Baked Bean was again restored to her.
Bob rounded a corner, desperate to preserve his life for as long as possible, but Celestia simply removed the same corner with another blast of magic that pelted Bob with bits of stone and wooden splinters. Rational thought was replaced with a horror that was deeper than any changeling had ever before felt, and Bob squealed like a newly hatched grub as he foresaw his upcoming demise.
* * ✹ * *
“Did you hear that?” Mandible gulped, and his eyes darted about, desperate to find the location of the rumble that sounded much like a distant roll of thunder, despite them being deep inside the castle.
“Oh, stop your infernal whimpering, you coward.” Chrysalis gave Mandible a kick, then paused in front of a nearby mirror to admire her disguise. “We’ll be in and out before Sunbutt realizes we’re even here. Pokey shouldn’t be too hard⁽*⁾ to find.” (*) Ponies saw ranks of identical Royal Guards. Changelings saw each individual item in a full buffet, with a salad bar and croutons. Pokey was more of a chocolate pudding to her senses.
“Are you sure you can get him to come with us willingly?”
Chrysalis rolled her eyes while walking down a hallway filled with incredibly ugly tapestries. She hated it when her minions tried to think. “Do you doubt your Queen, Mandible? It didn’t take much to corrupt him before, and some of my magic should still be working inside that rather empty skull of his. Once he hears how madly in love I am and how we should run away together, he’ll be putty in my hooves. We’ll get him out of the palace, get married, and then I’ll stuff him in a pod in my throne room for the honeymoon. He’ll make for a nice conversational centerpiece. Maybe I should take two of them to balance the decor.”
“But, who are you going to get to marry you on such short notice?”
Chrysalis gave a deadly hum of delight and booped Madible’s nose with a hoof. “That’s where you come in. As Queen of the Changelings, I can give you the one time authority to perform marriages. I can then order your execution for my wedding present, so it’ll be a nice package deal.”
Mandible swallowed hard. “Actually, I was hoping to give you a nice, hardbound copy of the boop law instead? Which would be rather difficult if I were dead.”
Chrysalis glanced up and down one hallway, then grunted. “Where are all the guards? This is ridiculous. I could march right into her private quarters right now, short sheet her bed, and nopony would notice.”
“My Queen?”
“Oh, if it’ll get you to stop sniveling, Mandible,” Chrysalis snapped, “then yes. If you can somehow get me a copy of Celestia’s law then I’ll consider⁽¹⁾ letting you live. Now shut up and help me find Pokey.” ⁽¹⁾briefly
“He might still be in the infirmary, My Queen,” Mandible felt compelled to point out.
Another rumble, louder and punctuated with a shriek, made the floor beneath their hooves rattle, and Chrysalis glanced up while a fine powder sprinkled down from the ceiling. “What are those two doing up there? Bob better not be enjoying himself.”
Right on cue, Bob rounded the corner and, upon seeing his disguised queen, he let out another squeal and flew right into her chest before she could react. The two of them then slammed into Mandible and the nearby wall, and the surprise impact knocked Chrysalis’ Bluebell disguise off, forcing her to flail and twist to get her hooves back on the ground.
“Bob, you idiot!” She threw him off, but he instantly flew back and clamped himself around her neck, screaming into her ear.
“SHE’S GONNA EAT ME!”
Chrysalis didn’t get a chance to ask Bob to clarify his statement by slapping some sense into him. Celestia came skidding around the corner at the end of the corridor with fire in her eyes and sparks flying from the tips of her mane and tail. Chrysalis managed a weak yelp as a greeting, but when the floor beneath her began to melt, she decided this was a bad time for introductions and sprinted down a random hallway.
“Mandible, Bob!” She yanked at the whimpering drone that was choking off her air supply. “Split up!”
“Nooo!!!” howled Bob. “She’ll chase me!”
“That’s the idea!” spluttered the Changeling Queen, who could barely fly with Bob’s unbalanced weight hanging from her. “Heroic self-sacrifice! Taking one for the team! Saving my life!”
“I won’t leave you!” he shrieked. “Never! Nevernevernever!!”
Chrysalis made a random turn, flew into an open door, ripped Mandible in with her, then slammed it shut. “Mandible, get back here and help pry!” she gasped in the brief moment she managed to get Bob’s legs shifted open just the fraction of an inch. There was so much love cascading around inside of him that he was almost stronger than she was, although he was burning it fast.
“I was going to try to draw her away,” said Mandible, caught in the act of sneaking out of the rear door. “Honest.”
* * ✹ * *
“Your Highness! Your Highness!” The panicked guard bolted through Luna’s bedroom door, catching the Princess of the Night just as she was stepping out of her bed. “It’s terrible! It’s horrible! It’s the absolute worst thing ever!”
“I don’t look that bad, Corporal,” grumbled Luna, running a quick hoof through her tangled mane. “What in the world is making that noise outside?”
“Princess Celestia has gone crazy!” babbled the guard. “She blew up part of the statuary garden chasing a changeling! Then she chased it through the modern art gallery, the Hallway of Suggestive Pillars, the indoor orrara... orratarr…”
“Orrery,” said Luna, suddenly wide-awake. “The one we could never get to keep proper time, and that the Astrological Society refuses to have replaced.” She paused, then asked in a very calm voice, “The statues in the garden that were blown up. Were they, perchance, the ones from the Mid-Chancenhausen Era?”
“Uh…” The guard looked trapped, with his eyes darting from side to side.
“The ones with exaggerated hindquarters,” clarified Luna, who began to smile when the guard nodded. “I see. I believe there is a method to my sister’s professed madness, and I know right where she is going next. Let us be off!”
* * ✹ * *
“COME BACK HERE, WORMS!”
A searing beam of pure sunlight cut through the castle corridor, melting stone, vaporizing tapestries, and propelling a scrambling Chrysalis to velocities she never thought she could attain on her own without a cannon.
She’s too fat to be this fast!! Chrysalis buzzed down a hallway, desperate to find some way out of this death trap she’d inadvertently wandered into.
A whizzing ball of flames burst to her left at the intersection, leaving her and the two idiotic minions to dart right as the only option. In a desperate scramble for time, Chrysalis used her magic to grab every statue they passed and toss it into the hallway, from the sculpture of Celestia with eight legs to a large pedestal that held a silver-cast diorama of a village being overrun by some cutesy looking fluffballs. She snarled and took particular delight in hurling a rather large bronze effigy of Cadence and Shining Armor, but her annoyance boiled out in a groan when she heard it clatter away instead of splashing against a wall like a liquid.
Chrysalis then screeched in horror and scrambled to alter her course when the real Princess Cadence teleported in front of the doorway that the Queen had intended to use. Her reaction time was lengthened by trying to figure out how to dodge both Celestia and Cadence at the same time, so when she did finally settle on “away” as the best course of action, she was introduced to both of Cadence’s rear hooves ramming into her nose like a pair of steel sledgehammers.
Bob and Mandible were quick to ditch their monarch when she collided with an unburnt tapestry and tore it from its mounting on her way to the floor, but a crystalline shield from Cadence volleyed them back towards Celestia, who then promptly set and spiked both of them into a rather garish painting with exquisite grace and immaculate form.
“Chrysalis.” Celestia’s voice cut straight through the Queen’s chitin and drew a line of ice down her heart. “I want Bean. NOW!”
“Temper, dear sister,” Luna’s smooth voice slid into the room just before the Princess of the Night in a swirl of midnight clouds. “I’m sure Chrysalis has a perfectly reasonable explanation for her unannounced visit.” Luna plucked the smoldering tapestry off of the Queen. “You do have a reason, haven’t you?”
Bluff your way out! Thank me that I kept that yellow nitwit alive! I can trade him and these two numbskulls for my freedom, but only if I don’t make her so mad she fries us all.
“Parley!” she practically screamed. “If you ever want to see your Bean again!”
Luna calmly stepped in front of Chrysalis, and the solar flare that Celestia had summoned deflected upward to create a skylight for the room. “Wrong answer. Why don’t you try something that doesn’t threaten our beloved Prince?”
“Bean is alive, and I didn’t take him,” Chrysalis lied as fast as she could while rubbing her bloodied nose. “I was minding my own business, looking for any little stray bits of love to be had out in the Everfree - a predicament, may I note, that you have forced upon us - and I just happened to stumble across your Prince. He was in dire need of medical attention, and I took him back to my hive to recuperate. Bob here was supposed to tell you, but I see he decided to defy my instructions. Right.”
Chrysalis then ripped Bob from the remains of the painting and flung him in front of the fuming solar diarch. “You may inflict whatever punishment you deem fitting for this heinous act. I have no pity for those who reject my commands.”
“But-but, I’m Mandible,” squeaked the changeling.
“No! You’re Bob! You’re Bob now!” The other drone vehemently insisted from his safe place behind his Queen.
The reluctant “Bob” gave a quiet whine while being hoisted up by Celestia’s magic, and he tried to curl into a protective ball when her eyes met his. “Does your Queen have my Bean in your hive?”
“Yes!” he squeaked.
“Alive?”
“Bob” had frozen up to the point where he could not speak, but his snot-covered nose bobbed up and down ever so briefly before Celestia dropped him like a used tissue and focused her burning gaze on the Queen. Literally, because Chrysalis could feel the chitin on her chest begin to smoke. “Why have you not brought him here?”
“I incurred a great deal of expense in caring for your Bean, Celestia. His injuries were most severe, and he required some mental treatment when he found that you had left him for dead. Of course, this treatment was provided by the finest changeling physicians at our five star resort, with pool and sauna. I have a special discount for newlyweds if you would like to join—”
The few remaining tapestries in the hall spontaneously combusted, along with several oil paintings. “You abducted him!” fumed Celestia. “You stole him away before we could find him and you left that … that thing in his place!”
Bob’s contribution to the ongoing conversation was limited to following Mandible’s lead in curling up into a ball and making tiny whimpering noises.
“Calm, sister,” Luna cut in again. “Control yourself. There is a vacancy on the moon at the moment.”
Celestia tore a large divot of molten stone from the floor with her forehoof, but she said nothing more.
Chrysalis smiled wickedly in delight. This was going far better than she had expected. “Now, obviously, Wuvy-Duvy Smoochy Land is ill-equipped to handle such an expense, so I have come here to negotiate the terms for Bean’s return. I’m not asking much, just a token really; a trifle. You’ll never even miss him.”
Luna’s cold stare threatened to crush the changeling queen before Celestia could. “There is no end to the emptiness in your soul, is there?”
“Oh, you cut me to the core, Luna! I am not without compassion, and my price is not exorbitant. In fact, it isn’t even monetary. I simply wish to confess my true feelings to the one who has managed to capture my heart.”
“You have no heart!” Cadence snapped.
“Hard as it may be for you to comprehend, I do indeed have fond regards for many.” Chrysalis picked up Mandible and squished his cheeks between her hooves. “After all, I did not entice Shining Armor for my own benefit. No, I asked him to share his love so that I could feed my poor, defenseless drones, like Mandible here. How could any creature neglect such an adorable little face like this?”
Cadence’s horn lit, and her eyes began to blaze with the same fire that Celestia’s held. “Make a wish, Auntie Celestia. Whichever one of us gets the half with the horn, wins.”
“Would you really strike me down in front of my most special child? You’re such a cruel mare, Cadence. Though I suppose sacrificing myself in front of my true love would be rather romantic.”
“Your true love?”
Chrysalis looked over the guards that had filled into the empty spaces between Celestia and the walls of the singed gallery, and her eyes settled in on one in particular who she knew all too well. “Indeed. My dear Hokey is right there, and it is only my immense willpower that keeps me from throwing myself into his hooves.”
“Go ahead,” said Sergeant Pokey, lowering his spear until the needle-sharp point was aimed right between her eyes. “I love kabobs.”
Chrysalis smiled, and with a flash, Bluebell again stood before the steadfast sergeant. “But my dear, sweet Hokey! Haven’t I always treated you tenderly?”
“Drop. That. Form.” Pokey’s spear moved dangerously close to Chrysalis’ chest, but she ignored the threat and giggled with a hoof in front of her muzzle.
“Oh, Pokey. I really thought we had something special. Don’t you remember the night we met? It was so beautiful, with the stars reflecting in the pond and the gentle gurgle of the stream along the garden path. I accidentally bumped into you, and then apologized profusely.”
“I said drop it!” Pokey shouted.
“Or what about when you took that three day leave? We ran away to Manehattan and took the town by storm. Don’t you remember taking me to see Hinny of the Hills on Bridleway, or that delightful plate of pasta we shared at The Cantering Cook? I know I’ll never forget that whirlwind tour of Saddle Row, and I even still have that jade necklace and earrings that you bought for me.”
“No.” Pokey’s spear went slack in his grip. “You can’t be Bluebell. It’s impossible.”
“But I am, dear Pokey.” Chrysalis smiled knowingly, and she gasped. “Wasn’t it just horrible when you had to wake me in the middle of the night and warn me of Tirek’s imminent attack? I admit I did not go to Our Town; I had to check on my poor, defenseless drones. Thanks to you, all of my dear little children were safe and snug as a bug in a rug during the whole ordeal.”
Pokey’s spear clattered on the ground. “No. This whole time, you were a … a …”
“Yes,” Chrysalis said while reverting to her original form. “And in that time, you managed to steal my heart. While I cared for Baked Bean, the only thing I could think of was you, my sweet Hokey.”
Chrysalis paused for the briefest of moments. Her mind had been quickly patching together an alternative plan, and if she played her cards properly here, everything would still be perfect. She had little time to spare thanks to Celestia’s ridiculous law, but there was time enough to be patient and emerge the victor. Admittedly, she would not have to sacrifice Mandible and Bob to accomplish her goal, but no plan was perfect.
“Let me make you an offer, Celestia.” Chrysalis spoke with the assured tone that a Queen always had. “Allow me to send Bob and Mandible back to the hive to retrieve your Bean. I will remain here as… let’s say as your special guest. Once you are reunited, we can discuss the payment for his medical bills, and this will give me the opportunity to talk to Sergeant Pokey about our future together.”
Celestia glared at the Queen for several long moments, and Chrysalis wondered if Cadence or Luna would produce a magnifying glass and focus Celestia’s fury into a beam of death.
“Lieutenant?” The Princess called over her shoulder. “Prepare your troops. We’re going out on a courtesy call.”
Chrysalis clicked her tongue. “I wouldn’t do that if I was you. My poor little changelings are bound to mistake a fiery princess and her heavily armored shock troops as an invasion force. There is a good chance that they would take your Prince with them when they evacuate.”
Celestia snorted and set fire to the tip of Mandible’s wing. “Fine. They will go, but you will remain here until they return. I will not discuss this further until I am satisfied that you have not harmed my Bean in any way. Lieutenant, escort Chrysalis to her chambers, and ensure a double guard is posted at all times. She will not leave her chambers except at my express permission, nor is she allowed to receive any visitors. Particularly, Sergeant Pokey. Take her away.”
Chrysalis held her head high and walked with an aloof grace while spears and horns conveyed her to her accommodations. Celestia then turned her fury on the two drones, and they hugged each other tightly and yelped while waiting for their demise.
“I hope, for your sakes, that your flight to the hive is swift and that Bean is in good health. Should you fail to return, I will find you, and I will finish what I started. Leave. NOW!”
The two changelings needed no further convincing.
* * ✹ * *
Baked Bean let out a scream of agonized triumph as the skin of the pod finally gave way, and he collapsed onto the floor of his cell with the vile changeling goo searing the inside of his nose and burning his mouth. It only took a few moments for him to add his own bile to the corrupted slime he was practically swimming in, and for what felt like hours, he simply sprawled out on the ground and wheezed.
While he drew in large gasps of air and tried to suppress the numbing pain that was close to overwhelming his system, Baked Bean struggled to go over what he needed to do without making his headache worse. He was hurt, he was nauseous, and he was poisoned. He still had to figure out how to get himself out of the hive, and with a lame leg to complicate the effort. He then had to survive an arduous journey across the Badlands and find a pony or buffalo settlement, all while avoiding any search party Chrysalestia would send after him and without knowing which direction to go.
Bean snorted and shut his eyes tightly. Chrysalis. Celestia. One was a demented insect bent on dominating Equestria, the other was his cherished wife. If he was going to have any hope of surviving this and stopping the Princess of the Changelings, he had to keep the two of them seperate in his mind. If he allowed Celesalis’ poison to alter his thoughts, then all hope would be lost.
Bean figured that would be as easy as running The Zurst by himself during a Griffon convention in town.
There was still the faint hope that Thorax would somehow complete his punishment quickly and return to help him, but Bean couldn’t wait. He had no idea how long it would take Chrysalis to figure out she’d been duped, so he had to move as quickly as possible.
Once he felt like he had enough energy to attempt an escape, Bean hauled himself up and staggered to the door while suppressing a wave of nausea. This attempt was going to be over with in an embarrassingly short fashion if the door was locked, or if there was a guard of some sort just outside, so he placed a sticky ear to the door and simply listened for several long minutes. Once he was halfway convinced that there wasn’t a bug on the other side, he gave what passed for a handle an experimental tug.
He just about shouted for joy when it moved with his efforts, and Bean inwardly promised to give Thorax a barony somewhere for this. He took a moment to listen for hoofsteps and to survey the hallway, but he heard nothing.
Bean hissed out a breath when he limped out, and after debating with himself for a moment, he chose to go right. He was acutely aware of how slow he was moving, and he tried to make as little noise as possible, but the soft click of every hoofstep sounded like fireworks echoing around the changeling hive corridor. Even his breathing, shallow and labored due to the numbing pain in his ribs, was as loud as some idiot yodeling at the top of his lungs on the top of Mount Canter. There were no clues in the architecture of the hive that could indicate the way out, and Bean silently cursed the changeling preference for potted walls and no natural lighting. He could be wandering around in a circle and he’d never realize it.
Bean swallowed hard when he realized that being lost was not the worst thing about this predicament. Unless Chrysalis had taken every last changeling with her, this hive should be crawling with drones. Any one of them would be happy to inform Bean that though he could check out any time he liked, he could never actually leave.
Could he fight them off if he was discovered? Bean dismissed the thought as soon as it came. If he were uninjured he maybe could fight off a guard - a sick one, perhaps - but as he was now he would be totally helpless.
Bean moved at a pace and left a trail of green slime that would make a snail proud, punctuated with several pauses whenever he thought he heard something rise above the ambient sound of the hive. There was a dull and constant buzz and chittering in the air, pressing down on him and filling any empty space with a foreboding of imminent doom. It was like he was a small tidbit of squash trying to swim out of a stock pot full of boiling hot soup, and he was going to get cooked at any moment.
The little squash that was Bean then rounded a corner and came face to face with a changeling. He froze and waited for the inevitable cry of alarm, but while his heart tried to explode out of his chest and his lungs burned with fear, the changeling simply tilted his head in confusion.
“Bob? What are you doing here?”
Bob? Bean’s mind moved through several realizations at a near instantaneous moment. Thorax had said he couldn’t taste Bean’s emotions, so this drone couldn’t sense his emotions either. Thus, this drone figured he was speaking to a fellowling, and that bug had to be Bob based on what he saw.
Bean could use this to his advantage, but he had to reply now if he didn’t want to arouse suspicions. “Oh, I forgot to sign off on my timesheet. Trochanter called me back to take care of it, and now I got my directions turned around.”
The changeling gave Bean a sympathetic wince. “Oo, good luck. She’s on the warpath today thanks to Thorax. Better hurry up and get out, or she’ll call you back to initial a correction or something.”
The changeling made a casual hoof-wave in the direction of a tunnel, which Bean sincerely hoped was an inadvertent gesture in the direction of ‘out.’
“Thanks,” said Bean, meaning it more than he wanted to admit. “I’ll try.”
“Hey, when you get back to Canterlot, do you think you could get an autograph from Princess Luna for me?”
Bean really had to fight to keep his confusion from showing on his face. “Yeah, that shouldn’t be too hard.”
“Just have her make it out to Kevin. I owe you one for this. Good luck!”
Bean shook his head once Kevin had buzzed away. That was just about the last thing he would have expected to have happen, but at least Bean knew his emotions wouldn’t betray him, so long as he kept them repressed.
He moved forward again, and he limped down two hallways without further incident. He was forced to pause when he came to a large intersection of hallways, and he took a moment to debate which way to go. There was no clear indicator that one way was better than the other, and the wrong choice could be fatal, both for him and for those whom he loved.
He could only stare on in incredulous disbelief when the opening suddenly closed off, leaving him facing a solid wall. “Sure, fine. Doorways close at random, why not.”
With a grumble, Bean backtracked and took a hallway that had just opened up. This was a short hallway that lead into a large opening that strongly resembled a throne room, and it even came complete with a throne.
Or, half a throne. The seat portion was completed, but it appeared that the ornate back was still being constructed. Several black stones of various sizes were scattered around the base of the unfinished centerpiece, much like his own life had been shattered lately. Bean felt oddly compelled to pick up one of the squarest of the pebbles that looked a little like the book on his flanks, although it did not have any of the markings of his own cutie mark. Maybe when he had time later, he could add them as a substitute for his missing Celestial Crystal.
Bean decided he liked this little rock. The confusion of the poison felt weaker now that he was holding it, allowing a cool peace to slide across his nerves and tell all of his anxious concerns to be still.
With a small smile, Bean stuck the rock in a patch of slime that still clung to his mane, and then he looked around the center of the changeling’s kingdom.
“Not much to look at, is it? She should try a new color scheme. Maybe even get some of those decorative throw pillows.”
“I always thought some chairs and couches would do wonders for our morale.”
Bean gasped slightly and whirled to face the voice which belonged to a changeling who looked exactly like all the rest of them. “Thorax, I really hope that’s you.”
“It’s me. We need to move, though. You went the wrong way; we’re in the center of the hive now. This way.”
“Where are the rest of the changelings?” Bean asked while he hobbled with Thorax back the way he’d come.
“At lunch. They’re serving mushroom nuggets today, and nobuggy skips that. It’s one of the few things that has actual flavor to it.”
“How long do we have before lunch is over?”
“Not long, so we need to hurry. Over here.”
Bean forced himself to ignore the pain that seemed to be burning on every nerve he had. “C’mon, Baked. Feel the pain. Love the pain. This is nothing compared to spring training and the million-yard dash.”
“Here, quick.” Thorax dragged Bean through a hole that was closing, but then he motioned for Bean to sit and catch his breath. “We won’t have to worry about the hive changing once we get to the part that’s under construction.”
“Thorax, what’s your favorite color?”
“Huh?”
“If I’m going to be your friend, I need to get to know you. Besides, it’ll help distract me from the pain.”
Thorax glanced behind him. “I don’t have a favorite color.”
“Okay. How about your favorite dessert?”
Thorax tapped his chin. “Have you ever tried chocolate covered crickets?”
“I made some once on a dare. The guys on the track team didn’t think I could. Do you prefer milk chocolate or dark?”
“Oh, the darker the better.” Thorax smacked his lips. “Can you really make them?”
“I bet you twenty bits that I can make chocolate crickets that will make you go cross-eyed with how good they are. With the access I have in the royal kitchens, I could make the chocolate as dark as your chitin, if you like.”
Thorax smiled, and his wings buzzed in delight. “Really? Well, I gotta get you out of here first. You ready?”
Bean felt a twinge of regret over his actions, and he hesitated. Celly just wanted to—
“No. Not Celly.” Bean rubbed the sides of his head and sucked in a breath. “Let’s get out of here.”
Thorax moved along at Bean’s injured pace, moving ahead to scout the path from time to time before returning to Bean’s side. Though Bean couldn’t make sense of the twisting path they were taking, he trusted his new friend and kept as quiet as possible while they pressed on.
“Almost there,” Thorax finally announced. “The exit should be just up ahead.”
“Aren’t there any guards on duty?”
“Hopefully not. They should still be at lunch.”
Both Bean and Thorax gasped when they heard a pair of voices closing in on their position. “I guess lunch is over?”
“Quick, I’ll distract them!” Thorax shoved Bean around a corner. “Straight ahead and then turn right. Head northeast once you get outside. I’ll catch up to you if I can.”
“Thorax, I—”
“No time! Go!” Thorax shoved him again, and Bean stumbled away. As he retreated, he heard a blast of magic erupt, and when he glanced back, he saw Thorax had caused a small cave-in that had blocked the path from floor to ceiling. Several muffled groans of annoyance from the other side followed with complaints about Thorax’s clumsiness, but Bean mentally thanked the changeling and hoped his new friend would catch up to him soon.
Bean had to pause for a moment when he stumbled out into the sunlight, and he shielded his eyes from his Beloved’s sun. Had it really been that long since he’d seen it? He had missed it, but he missed his Celestia more. He pointed himself towards the sun, turned a few steps to the right, and then took off into the barren wasteland as fast as he could. He had to get to the Canterhive … no, to Hivealot … no, not there. It was ... somewhere. Images of the twisted hive and the tall castle merged and flowed through his mind. With Chrycelly’s poisoned magic churning his mind into a froth, there was no way to tell which way to run. There was only one option.
“Sister?” Luna peered around the stock pots and frying pans that were hanging from the ceiling. “Are you here?”
“I’m over here by the stove, Lulu!” Celestia’s chipper voice carried back. “Come! I could use your assistance.”
Luna slowly walked deeper into the kitchens, curious and more than a bit concerned about her sister’s cheerful attitude. Twenty minutes ago, she was melting stones and on the verge of reducing three changeling intruders to grease spots, and now she was happily humming a soft tune while she chopped up a bundle of carrots. The speed of Celestia’s mood swing was enough to give a pony whiplash, and Luna worried about her sister’s state of mind.
Insanity is hereditary, Celly. You get it from your sister.
“Lulu, could you bring some celery, please?” Celestia asked, while quickly sliding the diced carrots into a large pot on the stove before her. “Oh, and some of that vegetable stock, if you would.”
“I am a bit surprised to find you here, sister,” Luna offered while grabbing the requested items. “I thought you were going to see Doctor Horsenpfeffer.”
“Oh, I did already,” Celestia replied. “She said the only way to remove the remains of my regalia would be to cut my coat and mane off, to wait for it to grow out, or to superheat it again until it melts. I told her I would simply wait, and then I came here. I do believe Bean will be quite famished when he returns, and I thought a nice minestrone soup would be perfect. Look! I’m even using the same recipe he used when he cooked for us on our first wedding night.”
“That’s not what I meant, Celly,” Luna gently shot back. “You destroyed half of the palace while chasing Chrysalis and her little minions. I find it hard to believe that you can make the transition from destructive fury to lovestruck wife so easily, and I worry about your mental state.”
“I appreciate the concern, dear sister, but you need not worry. I am just fine, and once my beloved Baked Bean has been returned to me, everything shall be as it should. Besides, I only damaged a quarter of the palace, at best.”
“The total amount of damage is a side note, Celly. You let your anger get the better of you. You have told me time after time that I need to be calm and collected, yet you fly off the handle with little provocation and do very little to mitigate it. Had you followed your own advice, we could have ascertained Bean’s location from the imposter and simply imprisoned Chrysalis. Now we are forced to negotiate with her, and I fear for Sergeant Pokey’s welfare. You have created many complications, sister, and it will be difficult to disentangle us from them all, to say the least.”
Celestia’s chopping slowed, and her ears folded back. “I know, Lulu. I’ve made a mess of everything, and I’ll gladly pay the price for it. But I had to. There was just so much inside me that I had to let it out. If it was Star Struck instead of Bean, would you have acted any differently?”
It was a ray of sunlight cutting through Luna’s worry, and she could not help but chuckle. “No, I suppose not. If anything, you have shown more restraint that I would have.”
Celestia shook her head. “No, I doubt that. It was a near thing; I was so ready to simply let my anger control me. I could punish all who would dare to harm my beloved, level their hive, and there wouldn’t be a changeling left to report on what had happened. Just the thought that my Bean had been entrapped filled my mind with rage.
“But then I realized something. The changeling had learned how to act like Bean from Bean. He is alive, sister. Alive and well and probably driving the changelings just as crazy as our court. And since he is alive, he will return for real, which means if I lost my temper, he would look at me with those big, sad eyes and be so disappointed in me.”
Celestia paused for a moment, and her magic sprinkled in a dash of salt and a pinch of pepper into her soup. The steady rhythm of her chopping slowed once more, and she drew in a deep, steadying breath. “In his eyes, I could never do such a thing. Even so, I don’t know if I could hold back my fury if I was left alone with Chrysalis. To think that she would dare to send one of her minions …”
Celestia snorted, and the water in the pot suddenly began to boil. “Well, anyway. What matters now is that Bean is alive. When he gets back, I’m going to take him into my embrace, and I’m not sure I’ll ever let him go. I have so much to tell him; so much I want to apologize for. He needs to know why I wanted him to go to the safehouse, and why we transferred our magic to Twilight. Had I trusted him in the way he trusts me, he would not have been forced to endure all of this agony and pain.”
Celestia scooped the chopped celery into the pot with the edge of her knife, then looked her sister square in the eye. “He’s going to be upset at me anyway, isn’t he?”
“I am not sure Bean could be upset about anything, sister. Your husband is a deep well of forgiveness, filled to the brim and above with a never-ending supply of patience and understanding.”
“I hope so. I really do.” Celestia’s gaze went to the rolling bubbles in the soup. “I worry that I’ve pushed him too far this time. It’s …”
Celestia didn’t say anything for a long moment, but when she did speak again, it was in soft and contemplative tones. “Lulu, for hundreds of years I’ve been able to manipulate the means to meet my ends. I have been able to set the tone and the pace of innumerable diplomatic summits and practically write out the terms of all treaties by myself. Even centuries ago, when we first took the thrones, I made plans for grand battles in theaters of war, and I’ve watched you execute them with unflinching accuracy and devotion time after time, knowing full well that you would be able to do so. You and I established the means of governance for Equestria during its founding, and even Iron Hoof was bound by my boop law. Everything, Lulu, from what will be served at dinner tonight to when the sun itself would rise and set have all been at my whim and my decree.”
Luna bit her tongue. Celestia was inflating her own importance yet again, but Luna realized that now was not the time to call her out on it. Besides, she was right.
“But this?” Celestia tried to fight back the tears, but the effort was for naught. “I can’t control this. We’ve already seen what happens when I try to dictate my terms to Bean. When he returns, I will be at his mercy, and that scares me. My dear Bean could decide that what I have done is unforgivable, and rightly so. His fight with Tirek, his abduction, and whatever else has happened to him in the meantime is my fault, without question. I have inflicted pains and torments upon him that never should have been, and he might now view my crimes as beyond the pale.”
“What is that phrase you like to use?” Luna tapped her chin for a moment, then smiled. “Ah yes. ‘Trust in Harmony.’ Celly, all that you say could be true, I cannot deny, but consider for a moment; why did he defy your oh-so-perfect orders in the first place?”
“Because he was upset with me?”
Luna forced her eyes not to roll. “No, because he was right. Look at what he did, sister. He smashed the stained-glass windows, and he formed a small army to fight back against Tirek. Those are protective moves, designed to keep you safe. Removing the windows kept Tirek in the dark about Twilight Sparkle, and the fight was Bean’s attempt to slow him down more. Both actions were designed to give Twilight the time she needed, and we can only imagine what would have happened if Tirek had walked into Ponyville unopposed.
“Celly, nopony enters into the embrace of Death so willingly, unless there is something much greater than themselves that motivates their actions. What he did, he did out of love. Even now, imprisoned by the changelings, I am sure he is trying to manipulate events, to whatever degree he can, so that they will be in your favor and to your benefit. When he returns, I would daresay that he will beg your forgiveness for defying your instructions and for causing you such heartache. He will fear that your love for him is no more, just as you harbor that same secret terror.”
“I fear you may be right,” Celestia said with a slow nod. “But that may be even worse. I could not live with myself if I found that I somehow manipulated him into believing that.”
“Thankfully, that problem can be easily rectified, if so. It will take very little to convince him that your love is as strong as ever.”
Celestia smiled. “Thank you, Lulu. You are right, and when he returns I am going to show him how much I love him for several hours, if not days.”
“I have no doubt of that.” Luna chuckled, and her magic snagged a nearby mixing bowl. “Now, I think that some fresh bread would pair nicely with your soup, don’t you?”
Bob blinked.
He blinked again.
He then wondered if Celestia would slow roast him over an open fire or flash fry him in a pot of boiling oil with some garlic and butter, and then he wondered if he had spent too much of his rapidly shortening life studying the Prince.
Baked Bean was not in his cocoon. He was not in his jail cell.
And Bob was pretty extra sure that Baked Bean was no longer inside the hive, either.
“But, he’s supposed to be in here.” Mandible stated the obvious in a fearful and subdued voice, as if it would somehow reveal a Bean stuck in between the couch cushions, or in the drain’s grease trap. “Thorax was guarding him. How could he have gotten out?”
Bob didn’t reply. He was too busy trying to figure out how long it would take him to fly off the edge of the world if he took off now and headed due south.
He was just about to carry the two in the equation when Mandible grabbed him and began shaking him furiously. “Bob, Chrysalis is going to murderize us! Bean is gone! This is all your fault! If you hadn’t blown your cover, we—”
“My fault?!” Bob slapped Mandible’s hooves away. “How is this my fault? You’ve been here at the hive the entire time! How did he manage to get out when he was right under your nose?!”
“I wasn’t the one who was supposed to be guarding him!” Mandible shot back. “Our Queen put Thorax in charge!”
“Oh, sure. We’ll just waltz on back and explain it to her like that, shall we? ‘Oh, I’m sorry, My Queen, but Thorax somehow lost track of Baked Bean. Would you like to separate our legs from our bodies before or after Celestia gets done banishing us to the sun? Or perhaps we’ll be lucky and Princess Cadence will get to us first, and all we’ll have to worry about is how fast she’ll have us drawn and quartered and turned into glue!’” Bob thought for a moment. “Do you think they can use changeling tails for violin bows?”
“Who cares?! If we don’t bring Baked Bean back, Celestia is going to track us down and eat us alive!” Mandible began pacing the room. “She’ll probably bring her entire army with her too, and she’ll tear this place apart until she finds out we’ve misplaced her husband! We’re going to get squished! We gotta do something!”
Bob inhaled deeply and actually thought⁽¹⁾ for a change. ⁽¹⁾Proof that being around Bean had rubbed off on Bob, even if it was only slightly.
“Okay, okay. You’re right. Let’s just think this through. He couldn’t have gotten far, and he’s hurt. Maybe Thorax is hunting him down. Maybe he’s already caught Bean! That’s it! All we have to do is go out and find them, and never mention this to anyling, ever! That’s brilliant!”⁽²⁾ ⁽²⁾ Admittedly, as much as Bean had rubbed off on Bob, he was still a little new to actually thinking.
“Bob, do you have any idea which way they went?” Mandible stared at his fellow bug like he had just grown a second horn. “Do you know how long he’s been missing? Do you really think he left any tracks across bare rock?! How are we supposed to find him?!”
“Well, do you have a better idea? I’m open to suggestions at the moment!” Bob shouted back.
A sharp whistle then echoed throughout the hive, and the two bugs glanced to the open door. “The mail is here?” Bob asked. “I thought she came last week.”
“Special delivery, maybe?” Mandible replied while they both changed to their default pony disguises. “C’mon. We don’t need a pony figuring out where the hive is and reporting back to Celestia.”
Bob and Mandible fidgeted and took turns at taking swipes at each other while the dutiful mailmare dropped out of the clouds and landed with a hard thud in front of them. The wagon she had been pulling creaked and popped in furious protest of the rough handling, and for a moment, there was the distinct possibility that it would simply give up and shatter into splinters.
“Hey Bob, how’s it going?” Ditzy Doo asked while she unhitched herself. “Sorry about the late delivery; I just don’t know what happened. One minute, I’m making my rounds, and then before I know it, I’m shearing an alpaca named Lupé in the San Cremello Mountains. I’ve got a few certified letters I need you to sign for, and a couple of parcel post items too.”
“No problem.” Bob managed to remain reasonably calm and mostly collected while he signed for the items, and then he and Mandible pushed the mail wagon back towards the hive.
“Bob, she knows something is wrong!” Mandible hissed. “She’s going to tell everypony where we are!”
“Shut up, she’ll hear you!” Bob retorted. “If we act casual, she won’t suspect anything. Let’s just get this unloaded and get her out of here.”
“Maybe we could use her as a replacement Bean,” Mandible mused.
It was either a stroke of genius or an oncoming stroke, and it took Bob a moment to reply. “A replacement Bean.”
“Yeah. We could just paint her and then take her back with us. Celestia would never know, right?”
“Right. She’ll never know. She’ll love whatever we bring back, so long as it’s pony shaped and yellow.”
“So you think it would work?”
“Are you crazy?!” Bob nearly shouted, but he somehow managed to keep his volume down. “She has wings! Bean is an earth pony!”
“So we’ll say he ascended. He’s a half an alicorn, right? Yeah, a halfacorn now. That’s a real thing, isn’t it?”
“Maybe, but there is definitely something else she’s gonna notice.”
“What?”
“She’s a mare, you twit! I’m pretty sure Celestia is going to notice there’s a few parts missing! This is the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard of!”
“Well, do you have a better idea? We gotta do something. You wanna go back empty hooved?”
“Hey, uh, how long are you two going to argue?” Ditzy said with an uncomfortable chuckle. “I gotta get back to Ponyville.”
Bob groaned and dragged his hooves down his face. “I am not paid enough for this. I’m not. This is beyond ridiculous.”
~*~
“Your precious Bean is in the crate, Your Greatness,” said Bob. “He’s probably sleeping, so don’t open it up until we’re gone.”
“Yeah,” said Mandible, edging toward the ornate double doors at the other end of the room. “Like an hour or two. Maybe three.”
Celestia stood, gave the two changelings a flat look while she descended from her throne, and used her magic to rip open the top while the guards ‘persuaded’ Bob and Mandible to remain where they were at spearpoint. Celestia then took a long look into the wooden crate, blinked a few times, and then put a hoof to her forehead while letting out a tense breath.
“Hello, Ditzy,” she offered through clenched teeth. “How are you doing today?”
“Hi, Princess. I’m doing very well, thank you!” Ditzy replied while she hopped out of the crate and bowed, leaving a little trail of golden sparkles.
“I told you she would notice!” Bob shouted while taking a swipe at Mandible.
“Well, it’s not like you were trying to figure out something better!” Mandible shouted back.
“May I ask why you were in that crate, and why you decided to dye your coat?” Celestia asked Ditzy while the two changelings were slapping each other.
“Oh, I didn’t dye it. This is luster dust,” Ditzy replied with a quick glance over her golden wings. “Bob said he’d give me the most delicious muffins I could ever possibly taste if I would paint myself yellow and get in the crate, but I didn’t have any paint, or even any banana pudding, believe or not. By the way, where are those muffins, Bob? If they are really that good, I want to get the recipe from you.”
Bob was too busy with his own fight to acknowledge Ditzy. He and Mandible were now careening around the throne room while throwing punches, kicks, and insults at each other, and it took Celestia’s magic snatching them up by the nape of the neck to finally separate them.
“Bob. Mandible.” Celestia casually inspected a hoof while she reeled them in. “Those are your names, correct?”
“Yes, Princess,” Mandible squeaked.
“I will only ask this once, and I hope, for your sake, that you can give me a reasonable answer. Where is my husband?”
That familiar fire was beginning to blaze in Celestia’s eyes again, and Bob gulped. “We, uh … to tell the truth, he’s, um … that is to say, in a manner of speaking, uh …”
“He escaped, didn’t he?”
Bob broke. “It wasn’t my fault! I was here, with you, the entire time! I wasn’t responsible for guarding him, Mandible was!”
“No I wasn’t!” Mandible screeched. “Thorax was guarding him! You can’t pin this on me, I was on the oversight committee for the west wing expansion! Ask Trochanter, ask Kevin! Ask anybug you like! I wasn’t anywhere near his room at any time! I’m innocent!”
The two changelings continued to beg, plead, and blame one another while Celestia dipped her head and took slow, even breaths. After a minute of this, Celestia silenced the two of them by pulling them in so closely that they felt their chitin would begin to melt, and the guards at the door quickly took bets on how long it would take to roast them both.
“He escaped,” Celestia repeated. “You were supposed to keep him locked up, and he got away.”
“Um, yes?” Mandible replied.
Celestia was still for a moment. Then her shoulders began to shake. An odd noise started to emanate from deep within her, but then it grew louder, and stronger.
Princess Celestia was laughing.
“He broke loose!” Celestia crowed in delight. “You couldn’t keep him contained! My cherished Bean outsmarted you! Take that, Chrysalis!”
Bob and Mandible chuckled nervously, and Bob decided to press his luck. “Well, I’m glad this is so amusing, but since he got away there’s not really anything else we can do. Mandible and I will just quietly return to the hive now, and we both promise to never ever bother you again so long as we both shall live, which will hopefully be for more than thirty seconds …”
Celestia’s head snapped up, and her eyes met theirs with no trace of amusement, though there was some comfort in the fact that they were their normal magenta color, and not the churning whirl of golden fire from before. “Oh, no. I’m afraid we’re not done yet. You two will be traveling with a company of my finest guards to go find my beloved Bean and return him to me. I will keep Chrysalis here as my ‘special guest’ until you return, and I’m sure she will want you to make that as quick as possible. You would not want to upset your queen, would you?”
Bob and Mandible nodded meekly, then paused and began to shake their heads rapidly.
“I thought not. Lieutenant?”
“The search party will be underway within the hour, Ma’am,” Spear Point replied with a crisp salute. “And I will make sure Bob and Mandible are given our finest accommodations for the journey.”
Spear Point and three guards then escorted Bob and Mandible out of the throne room, but Ditzy watched the procession with a confused expression and a small pout.
“Does this mean I don’t get any muffins?”
“Sergeant!” Lieutenant Point snapped. “What in the name of Luna’s blue moon do you think you are doing?!”
“I’m going after my charge, sir,” Hokey Pokey replied while he tightened the straps on his saddlebags.
“Spur my sides you are!” Spear Point replied. “Need I remind you that you are on administrative leave?”
“That doesn’t matter, sir. My primary duty is to protect Prince Bean, and I’m not going to rest until he is returned and placed under the care of the Princesses.”
“Sergeant, you’re not going—”
“Lieutenant, with all due respect, I am going. Prince Bean was captured because of my failures, pure and simple. You can court-martial me when we get back, but short of clipping my wings and throwing me in the clink with Chrysalis, there’s nothing you or anypony else can say or do that will stop me. I owe it to him.” He paused, taking several short breaths while his jaw worked silently. “Besides, it will get me out of the castle and away from her.”
The Lieutenant gave his insubordinate subordinate a hard glare. “Do you realize this will end your career, Sergeant? By the time Captain Armor and the JAG Corps get done with you, you’ll be begging for Celestia to send you to the moon.”
“I’ll cede ops to Sergeant Clover, sir,” Pokey replied, and he faced his Lieutenant at full attention. “I also recommend Corporal Quillpoint and Private Tart be assigned to the search. We could use Tart’s speed, and Quill’s advanced tracking spells will be essential for the operation. I can brief them on the way out, sir, and we’ll set up a relay from base camp once we’re in and established.”
Lieutenant Point continued to glare for several long moments, but then he blew out a frustrated breath. “Element of Stubbornness for sure. Pokey, you’ve got operational control for now; Clover is still grounded. Take Quill and Tart, and get them up to speed while I get the rest of the recon team together. Reinforcements will be sent once you get camp set up.”
“Understood, sir. What about the changelings?”
“If they can help, utilize them. Otherwise, just tie them up somewhere. Either way, they are to be treated as a hostile liability, understood?”
“Completely, sir.”
“Dismissed, and good luck.” Lieutenant Point returned Pokey’s salute, and he said nothing more while the Sergeant marched out of the room.
~*~
Midnight had wrapped itself over the fair city of Canterlot, and across the breadth of it, all was still. The ponies who lived and worked within sight of the palace were now peacefully tucked away in their own beds, and each dreamed dreams of warmth and delight while they rested in preparation for another day. The Royal Guard kept their silent vigil over the beloved citizens, as they always did without fail, and the Princess of the Night worked her magic among her little ponies with a deft and delicate touch.
There was only one who was awake at this late hour who should not be, and she sat upon her gilded throne in a deep depression. Once again she had remained, long after Day Court had ended and the ponies of her staff had gone home for the evening, and nothing had been able to entice her to move. Food and drink had been rejected in a polite but firm manner, visitors were asked to graciously postpone their intended conversations, and even a cherished sister had failed to convince the elder to retire to her own quarters for the evening.
She sat in the darkness, unmoving, but not without feeling. On her right side a small stuffed toy sat and offered what company it could, its plush yellow coat stained with tears and its bright glassy eyes gazing out upon the emptiness of the throne room. In her hooves she held a brilliant, translucent yellow crystal, cut to resemble the shape of her own cutie mark and reflecting the moonlight in respectful beams across the hall.
She twisted the crystal in her hooves, then again, and again. Each time she did this she seemed to be muttering something softly to herself, but each twist and flip seemed to add to her misery and despair. It was as if she was wishing upon the crystal, like one might wish upon the first star of eventide, and yet each wish went unheard and unfulfilled.
Another flip, another unfulfilled wish. Her wing gently scooped up the toy beside her, and with a soft and mirthless laugh, her hooves tenderly placed the crystal around its neck.
“There we go,” she whispered. “Right where it belongs. You look so handsome, you know; just like a stallion straight from my fondest dreams.”
Her face contorted with the swell of emotions that surged out from her broken heart, and for a moment, her lips quivered while she fought in vain against the emptiness in her soul.
“Oh, my dear, sweet Bean,” she finally said with a sob as she drew the toy in for a deep and lonesome hug. “How am I going to get through this?”
* * ✹ * *
It was rare for Prince Blueblood to be bored at a meeting.
Normally, he subsisted on summits, cherished conclaves, and fancied forums. While his dear Aunts might be the figureheads of government, it was in the conferences and caucuses that the true work of Equestria was accomplished, and it pleased him to no end to be such an integral cog in the gears of the government. There wasn’t a thing in the world that could compare to a carefully negotiated concordat, and he always had to wipe away a tear when he could sign his name to a masterfully constructed regulation.
But for the first time, Blueblood was bored. Minister Penny Wise had been yammering on for far too long about the ‘impetuous and foolhardy’ damage that Princess Celestia had caused when she had attacked the imposter changeling in the palace, and he idly began tapping his hoof in the hopes that she would get on with her presentation already.
He was a bit surprised that his Aunt Celestia wasn’t trying to counter any of Minister Wise’s arguments. She simply sat, taking the verbal volleys with slumped shoulders and a gaze that was forlorn and despondent. Her little stuffed Bean sat on the table before her, and Blueblood noticed that, for the most part, her gaze had been on the toy’s bright glassy eyes and not the proceedings.
“... and with that, I have the preliminary damage assessments from your romp through the palace. I must say that I am highly disappointed, Your Highness. Somehow, through some inexplicable means, you managed to either damage or incinerate most of the greatest and most priceless art known to ponykind. In honesty, it may be impossible to ever know the true cost of your temper tantrum, as nearly all of the pieces that were destroyed were priceless. The Hall of Suggestive Pillars alone held the collective life’s work of ponies from over five centuries, yet you somehow blasted it to ribbons in thirty seconds or less. I could almost accuse you of deliberately destroying the pieces, based on the evidence.”
Celestia gave a weak chuckle but said nothing.
“However, the Office of the Exchequer has attempted the impossible, and the numbers are quite staggering, Princess. To start, we have the stained-glass windows that Baked Bean destroyed.”
“Bean.” Celestia’s magic grabbed the stuffed version and brought it in for a tight embrace.
There was an awkward pause, and most of the ponies in attendance cleared their throats and averted their eyes. It had been a full week since Chrysalis and her changelings had been caught in the palace, and Blueblood had watched on in silent wonder while Celestia had spent most of that time fretting about her husband’s welfare and waiting for the next status update from the search party. Shining Armor had quickly made the return trip from the Crystal Empire and was now leading the search personally, but the amount of territory to cover was almost overwhelming. Each passing hour without her Bean added to her depression, and Blueblood had found much truth in the whispers amongst the staff that Celestia’s heart might not be able to take the pain for much longer.
Minister Wise, however, let out an annoyed huff. “Princess, forgive my impertinence, but this simply must stop. The Kingdom has spent quite the sizeable sum in the search efforts for Baked Bean, but we must face the reality that is before us. As much as we all want to have the Prince returned, it would be nearly impossible for any pony to survive that long without food and water. Equestria is moving on, Your Highness. It’s time you moved with it as well.”
Blueblood watched his aunt very carefully, waiting for her fury to flare once more at the incredulous suggestion.
Celestia’s anger did not surge to life. She drew her wings around her substitute Bean and sniffled back a tear, and Blueblood felt a twinge of sadness pierce his own heart. Despite the differences in their personalities, Blueblood did care for and about his aunt, and he had never wanted her to experience the pain she was feeling now.
For the first time in Blueblood’s memory, his Aunt Celestia looked old. The youthful vigor that had always been a part of her reign was gone, and in its place, a dark miasma of depression and defeat had firmly entrenched itself.
Blueblood snorted. This would not do. “Minister Wise, may I ask a question?”
Penny Wise nodded. “Of course.”
“What price would you put on a life?”
Penny Wise somehow managed to frown even more deeply. “Obviously, the life of a pony cannot be measured in any quantifiable way, but we cannot continue to throw money at a problem that has no positive solution. The search for Baked Bean—”
“Should continue until he is found,” Blueblood finished for her. “Just as we would expend all possible resources to find any of our beloved Princesses. He is our Prince, after all.”
He then pushed away from the table and stood while Celestia and the other attendees stared at him and his outburst. “Now, if you will excuse me, I believe my services are needed elsewhere. Should you need me, I will be out with the search parties in the Badlands.”
“Where are those two morons?!” Chrysalis fumed, and she twisted back to continue her pacing across her room. “I’m going to feed them to a pack of puckwudgies when they get back. No, I’m going to throw Thorax at them first, but that will be after I rip his wings off and mount them on my throne. They have so lost their bonus pay for the year.”
Chrysalis continued to mutter while she stormed around her gilded cage. It had been a full week since she had sent those two incompetent numbskulls off to bring back Bean, and she’d spent most of that time devising ever more torturous ways to punish them and Thorax for their failures once they returned.
Bean had escaped. It was the only way to explain the lengthy delay, and those nattering nincompoops were going to pay through the nose for this when she got a hold of them.
Of course, Chrysalis took a few of those moments to plan revenge against Celestia and her infernal guards. Despite her very calm, collected, and reasonable arguments for why she should be released, her captors were insensitive enough to describe her persuasions as “the most epic hissy fit in the history of Equestria.” She may have raised her voice a notch or two when the deadline for her marriage to Pokey approached - and perhaps there had been some harsh words spoken when she found out that her magic was not affected by the lack of nuptials when the time came and passed - but she had not thrown a tantrum at any point.
At least not a very big tantrum. And she had not pounded her hooves on the floor like a petulant foal, no matter how many guards insisted she had.
“Guard!” Chrysalis pounded on the door with a snarl. “I demand you take me to your Princess right now! This is cruel and unusual punishment! I’ll sue!”
There was no response, just like always. Chrysalis kicked the door once more just out of spite, and then she began stalking around the room like a caged tiger once more.
She wanted to get out. She needed to get out. There was a whole hive of changelings that were, without a doubt, laying around like slugs and cheering her absence. They would only grow more insolent and defiant with each minute that passed without her, and that was a thought she simply could not tolerate.
Left to their own devices, her little minions would, without a doubt, try to unionize.
Chrysalis paused and looked out the small and triple-reinforced window, glanced to the two pegasus guards that were posted on either side, stuck her tongue out at them, and then peered off to the horizon. Her hive was out there, filled to the brim with her little changelings.
Chrysalis grunted. She was going to get out of here. She would devise a daring escape plan, find that insufferable yellow menace, and then return to Canterlot with him as a conquering hero. Those foolish ponies would be oblivious to the end that would shortly befall them.
Celestia would soon know the wrath of a true Queen.
Sergeant Hokey Pokey snorted in frustration while he looked over his hastily-drawn map of the Badlands. This search had gone on for far longer than he would have liked, but he was determined to find Prince Bean, even if he had to spend a hundred years looking under every rock and down every crevice.
He owed Bean and Princess Celestia that much.
“Search group Tango reports all clear, sir,” Corporal Quillpoint called out. “They’re moving on to to the next sector.”
“Very well,” Pokey replied. “Any word from the Captain yet?”
“Nothing, sir. I know Miss Inkwell has received the message, though.”
Pokey fought back a smile. Wysteria had proclaimed herself an honorary guard when the orders had come for Quill to move out, and in spite of her pregnancy and the complications that had come with that, she’d followed her coltfriend out into the wilderness and provided her invaluable organizational skills to the search efforts. The combination of her skill set and Captain Armor’s determination to find his fellow prince had sped up the search considerably, and Pokey couldn’t help but feel they were on the verge of success. At least she was not moping around the castle, throwing up into any vase or carelessly misplaced guard helmet anymore.
“Have we heard back from recon?” Pokey asked over his shoulder.
“Not yet, but they’re due back any time now.”
Pokey nodded but didn’t verbally reply. He had expected Bob and Mandible to make a run for it at the first convenient opportunity, but the two changelings had torn into the Badlands like their lives were on the line. They only let up to sleep for a few hours and to take an occasional water break. Pairing the two with Private Tart had been a stroke of genius on the Captain’s part, once he had gathered some intel on the topography of the area from the bugs, and the three of them had been able to provide valuable reconnaissance overflights and crucial details on the natural hazards that awaited the searchers.
“Sir! You should come see this!”
Pokey’s heart both simultaneously soared and sank. He had been begging for some sort of breakthrough, but the last thing he wanted to find was evidence of his Prince’s demise.
“What do you got?” Pokey glanced over Quill’s shoulder.
“Tracks, sir.” Quill’s magic illuminated the faint traces of hoofprints in the thin layer of dirt in a gully were the passing wind had not wiped them out. “See this? I’ll snap off my own horn if that isn’t the track a pony leaves when they’re dragging an injured leg across the ground.”
Pokey nodded, and for the first time in over a week, he smiled. “Send word to the Captain. I’ll head out with Tart as soon as they touch down. With luck, we’ll have the Prince back in Canterlot in time for dinner with the Princess.”
~*~
Pokey was regretting his words.
After spending two hours scouring the most likely path that Prince Bean would have taken, there was nothing to show for it beyond sore wings, two grumbly changelings, and a lot of rocks. It was infuriating, but Pokey remained calm and continued to stare at the ground beneath him.
“Sergeant!” Tart called from from his side. “We need to touch down! We’re losing the bugs!”
Pokey glanced over his shoulder and then nodded. Bob and Mandible clearly needed a breather, given that they were just barely buzzing over the ground.
The two collapsed in a heap as soon as they saw Pokey and Tart angle down to land, but Bob tried to stagger back up once the guards had landed.
“Gotta find … that Bean …” he wheezed.
“Catch your breath first,” Pokey ordered. “You’re not going to find anything if you’re dead.”
“We’re dead if we don’t find him,” Mandible hoarsely whispered from his prone position.
“Not exactly guard material, are they, sir?” Tart muttered while studying the ground for evidence of the Prince.
“I dunno. A couple of laps around the track and a few hundred pushups might help their stamina,” Pokey replied. “And we can’t deny that having a shapeshifter on our side would completely change how we do infiltration missions.”
Tart nodded while her gaze went to the horizon. “Correct me if I’m wrong, sir, but aren’t we getting close to the Forbidden Jungle?”
Pokey quickly produced his map, and the two guards studied it for a moment. “You’re right. We’re only a klick or two away, perhaps.”
“There isn’t anything in there that would … well, eat him, is there sir?”
“I really want to say no, but it is a possibility. The Forbidden Jungle wasn’t called that just to keep tourists away. However, if I was hurt and running for my life, I doubt I’d try to cross this ravine. He may have headed back north once he hit that.”
“Did you say we were near the Jungle?” Mandible asked while he approached the guards. “There’s a pony settlement nearby that might know where your Bean is.”
“There is?” Pokey asked. “Where?”
“It’s not a settlement, Mandible,” Bob cut in, and he pointed to a spot on Pokey’s map. “It’s one pony family. They live out on the edge, right about here. They harvest a lot of spices and such from the jungle, and it’s where we typically go to get ingredients for our Queen’s mint julips.”
“You don’t say.” Pokey rubbed his chin for a moment, then turned to Tart. “Private, I do believe we should go pay this fine family a visit, don’t you?”
“We did come all this way, sir,” Tart replied with a grin and a nod. “Really, it’d be rude not to.”
~*~
“Please be there. Please be there. Please be there…”
Pokey rolled his eyes before banking slightly and drawing closer to the changelings. “If there is a way to pessimistically think optimistically, you two have just found it.”
“Uh, thanks? I guess?” Bob replied.
“Is Queen Chrysalis really going to kill you two? That seems like a rather large waste of bugpower, if you ask me.”
“Yes!” they both replied, but then Mandible continued. “Won’t your Queen … I mean, Princess, do the same?”
“No. She’d never do anything like that,” Pokey replied while Tart pulled up to his left.
“Really? She doesn’t execute those who fail her?”
“I’m not sure ‘execute’ is in Princess Celestia’s vocabulary,” Tart chimed in. “At least, not that definition of the word.”
“So, what will happen if you can’t find Bean?” Mandible asked.
“She’ll just look …” Tart trailed off, and both royal guards shuddered. “Disappointed.”
Mandible glanced to Bob, the confusion obvious on his face. “Really? You don’t want her to be disappointed with you? That’s it?”
“What else could be worse?” Tart replied. “Princess Celestia naturally commands that the guard give their all and their best, and all without saying a word. Just her presence is enough to send our morale through the clouds, and every single one of us want her to be happy. It’s … well, it’s like when she’s happy, Equestria is happy, y’know? So, when we see how broken up she is about losing Prince Bean, it just makes us all want to do whatever we can to bring him back. We care about her because she cares about us.”
Mandible clearly couldn’t believe was he was hearing. “So, that’s all it takes to keep you ponies in line? A smile here, or a frown there? Not even a little yelling?”
“Why would she yell?” Pokey asked.
“Well, that’s how you know she loves you.”
It was now Pokey’s turn to exchange confused glances with Tart. “Chrysalis shows she cares by yelling?”
“Yeah. The more she loves you, the more she yells.”
Tart shook her head in disbelief, and Pokey vocalized their shared thought. “Well, whatever floats your little changeling boat, I guess. But if that is the case, she must really love you, Mandible.”
Pokey didn’t know it was possible for a changeling to blush until right then. “R-really? Do you think she l-loves me?”
“Well, if what you say is true, and based upon how much she screams at you, then yeah. You two should probably get married.”
“Don’t get any ideas,” Bob hastily cut in, and he smacked Mandible’s lovestruck grin clean off his face. “We’ve got work to do. Besides, our Queen needs to marry Pokey, last I heard. Sergeant, how much time does Princess Celestia’s boop law give for a pony and an alicorn to get married before they lose their magic?”
Pokey scoffed. “Three days, but that only applies to real alicorns. Chrysalis fell for Prince Bean’s bait hook, line, and sinker.”
“What?” Mandible shot in front of Pokey and stopped the entire flight in midair. “Wait, wait! You mean to tell me our Queen was never subject to that law?!”
“Why would she be?” Tart replied. “She’s not an alicorn. She’s a changeling. Besides, the law only affected Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.”
“I almost died because of that stupid law!” Mandible screeched.
“Well, maybe this’ll teach you not to abduct ponies,” Pokey casually replied. “C’mon, we’re wasting daylight.”
“Bob! Our Queen was gonna squish me over nothing!” Mandible sobbed while the guards resumed their flight, and Bob gave his fellow bug a comforting hug.
“I know, it’s okay. Let’s just find Prince Bean, and then this’ll all be one happy nightmare that we will never speak of again.”
~*~
“Sir, I have a visual!” Tart called out. “Looks like a cluster of houses, two o’clock low!”
“That’s it!” Bob called out. “Winding River and her family should be there, given how late it is!”
Pokey replied by banking with Tart towards the center of the small homestead, and they touched down with poise and strength while the now disguised changelings slammed into the ground with all the grace of a minotaur in an antiques shop.
It only took a moment for a pale orange mare to emerge from the house, and there was a look of both profound relief and severe annoyance on her features.
“It’s about time you showed up. I was wondering if I was going to have to smuggle Junior out somehow. Kale, Tip Top, good to see you again.”
“Good to see you too, Windy,” Bob replied. “We’re wondering if you could help us out. You see, we—”
“You’re here for Prince Bean,” she cut him off with a huff. “Dunno why it took so long for you two armored nitwits to get here. I guess it just goes to show how far the Royal Guard has fallen.”
Pokey suppressed a groan of annoyance and plastered on his best neutral face. “Do you know where the Prince is, ma’am?”
“He’s around back.” Windy turned and motioned with a hoof. “C’mon. Maybe you can talk some sense into him.”
The moon, as always, felt leaden and dull to Celestia’s magic, quite unlike the graceful motions of her own sun which had been eased over the horizon just moments ago this evening. She was not sure if the feeling was actually due to the moon itself, or the enveloping darkness she could feel in her own heart at the touch of her corrupted sister held within. Every evening, she swore not to cry; after all, it was one evening closer to the day when Luna would return. And yet every evening she could feel the tears welling up, fighting to the surface in sorrow for the loneliness that they both had to endure.
“Good evening, little sister. I hope you had a pleasant day. Forgive me for being a few minutes late, the meeting ran longer than I expected it to.”
There was no reply, as always, and Celestia sniffled a bit while she contemplated the moon. It was hard to believe that it had been nearly a thousand years since that fateful day, but Celestia was grateful that Luna’s banishment would soon be at an end.
“Just a couple of decades, dear sister, and then I will be able to right all of the wrongs I have committed against you.”
“Princess? Who are you talking to?”
Celestia inhaled, put on her best fake smile, and turned to the pony who had just strolled up to her. “I was just talking to myself, Mayor. Tell me, were you able to settle the right-of-way issues?”
Mayor Roulette glanced up to the moon quickly before replying. “We have come to terms, Princess, and I can’t thank you enough for your valuable insight and support. Las Pegasus will receive the water we need, and I believe things should run much smoother now.”
“I am glad to hear that, Mayor,” Celestia replied with her usual neverending grace. “Should you need any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.”
“I’ll remember that, and thank you.” The Mayor glanced up once more at the star-filled sky, shook her head, and offered a smile that reeked of a potential political scheme. “If it’s not too impertinent, Your Highness, may I ask what your plans are for Nightmare Night? If you should happen to have an opening in your schedule, I’m sure you would find an enjoyable time here in town.”
Celestia smiled and politely shook her head. “I’m afraid I do have some important matters to attend to back in Canterlot. I greatly appreciate the offer, however, and perhaps I can make arrangements to attend another festival to make up for it.”
“We would be delighted to have you for Hearth’s Warming, Princess. I’ll have my ponies contact your ponies, and we’ll see what can be arranged.”
“Of course. Miss Sorrel will make the necessary arrangements, and I look forward to enjoying the holiday with you and my little ponies here.”
Celestia then paused. Across the street from where her carriage was parked sat a young colt. He was dressed in a snazzy and fairly accurate Wonderbolt costume, but he looked lost and frightened. Large tears were streaming down his face while he searched the street, and Celestia felt her heart break at the sight of it. “Mayor, forgive me for being rude, but I do believe I see another pony who is in need of my assistance. Would you excuse me?”
Mayor Roulette nodded, and curious eyes remained on the Princess while she quickly trotted across the street and over to the troubled colt. He retreated a step or two back when she approached him, but Celestia gently dipped her head and offered the most comforting smile she could.
“Good evening, my little pony,” she said in her best, most friendly voice. “Forgive me for intruding, but you look like you could use some help.”
“I lost my Gramma.” He sniffled, and he quickly tried to wipe away his tears. “She was just right here, but then I saw some balloons, and when I went to ask her if I could have one, she was gone.”
“That is quite frightening, I must admit,” Celestia replied with a nod. “If I may, I would like to help you find her again.”
The young colt hesitated. “Grams says I shouldn’t talk to strangers.”
“And she is right. If you will remain right here, I can summon a nice policemare to come assist you. Would that be better?”
Again he hesitated, but then he shook his head. “You can help me, if you want to. I think I can trust you.”
Celestia felt a wave of delight grow in her heart, and she nodded while that joy spread to her smile. “I would be honored, Captain.”
“Captain?” Two adorable sea-green eyes gazed at her in confusion, and Celestia fought back the urge to scoop up the little yellow colt and squeeze all of his worries away.
“You are Captain Wind Rider, are you not?” Celestia asked with a playful giggle. “I certainly hope I know who the legendary leader of my Wonderbolts is.”
The little colt’s frown began to invert, and Celestia could almost see the dots connecting in his mind. “Oh, yeah. That’s me, Captain Wind Rider, at your service!”
“Well, Captain, shall we go?”
Captain Rider, Junior, nodded again. He stood, and Celestia admired the bravery he was trying to project, despite his young age. “So, how do we find Grams?”
“Well, I imagine she is looking for you as well, so the best place to start would be to retrace your steps. Where were you before you saw the balloons?”
Wind Rider Junior sniffled and wiped his nose with a hoof. “Well, we were at her restaurant, and we were going to go to the Nightmare Night Carnival.”
“Why don’t we walk back towards the restaurant, then. If we do not see your Grandma, then we can wait for her there. Do you have any other family members who might be looking for you?”
“Mom and Dad, and my Aunt See, but they’re working tonight. I don’t think they’ll be looking.”
“Where do they work at?”
“At Grams’ restaurant. They’re chefs there. One day, I’m gonna be a chef, too.”
“Oh, you are?” Celestia laughed. “You’re quite the talented young stallion. Not many ponies could be a Wonderbolt and a chef at the same time.”
“Oh, I’ll never be a Wonderbolt. These wings are fake.” The young Rider shook his barrel to waggle them slightly, but then he took a long look at Celestia, and his eyes lingered on her wings. “Your costume is really, really good. Are your wings real?”
Celestia just didn’t have the heart to tell him the full truth, so she opted for a standard diplomatic diversion. “They are. Why don’t you ride on my back? You might be able to see your Grams from a higher vantage point.”
Rider gave her a curious glance now. “What’s a ‘vantage?’”
“A place where you can have a good view of everything,” Celestia replied. “You will be able to see over the entire crowd up here.”
“Oh! Yeah, that’s a good idea. I won’t hurt you, will I?”
“Not at all! Here we go.” Celestia picked up Rider in her hooves, suppressed the desire to give him a hug and a nuzzle, and then gently tucked him in between her outstretched wings. He seemed rather delighted to be up so high, and he took a moment to poke at her feathers before beginning to scan the crowd around them.
“Do you see her?” Celestia asked.
“No, I don’t.”
“Which way do we need to go to get to your restaurant?”
Rider glanced around, then pointed with a hoof. “That way. I think.”
Celestia began to walk in the direction Rider had indicated, and she surreptitiously motioned for her guards to fall back and follow at a short distance. Rider’s family would already be worried sick over their missing little one, and she could easily imagine that they would be highly embarrassed as well if they found that their Princess was the one who had found and returned him. With luck, Celestia would be able to return Rider without exposing herself, but if she did, she would simply claim to be in costume as well.
“Have you been enjoying Nightmare Night, Rider?” she called over her shoulder.
“Yeah, it’s been pretty fun, but I really hope I can still go to the carnival. There’s a haunted house, and Jackpot the Magician is going to hypnotize a bunch of ponies and make them cluck like chickens, and there’s a bunch of really cool rides I wanna go on. There’s one Quilt Patch was telling me about, called The Shadow. She says it’s so inte … insen … um, in tents that you’ll throw up everything you’ve eaten since last week. Oh! And then, then there’s gonna be a huge candy hunt! I got a super big bag so I can get a ton of candy, and then I’m gonna eat it all tonight before Mom takes it away. I really hope I get a lot of those chocolate wafer things. I love those.”
“My goodness! You have quite the night ahead of you.”
“Yeah, but I bet Grams won’t let me go now. She’ll be mad that I got lost. I bet she takes me home.”
“Have faith, my little pony. All of this was just an accident, and I am sure your Grams will still allow you to attend.”
“Do you have any family here?”
The question cut Celestia deeply, but she refused to show the pain. She did glance up at the moon, however, and the long familiar twinge of regret introduced itself once again, kicked off its muddy boots on her heart, and settled into its favorite chair in her soul. “I’m afraid I do not. I am missing a pony very important to me, in fact.”
“You are?”
“Indeed. I have lost my sister.”
“Oh.” The sadness in Rider’s voice matched Celestia’s emotion perfectly. “Do you need me to help you find her?”
Celestia gave a small chuckle to that. “No, but thank you. I believe I know where she is.”
“Well, what does she look like? I can look for her too.”
Celestia thought for a moment on how best to answer his question. “I would appreciate that, Captain. She is tall, with a dark navy blue coat and cyan eyes.”
“Cyan?”
“Blue and green mixed together,” Celestia clarified. “Her husband once said that they were like looking into the depths of the sea.”
“Do you think he’s looking for her too?”
“I am hopeful that he is, and that he will comfort her once she is found.” Celestia again gazed at the moon. “She deserves to have it.”
“The moon is pretty tonight, isn’t it?” Rider remarked, and Celestia glanced back at him. “It’s like a big silver plate, and you’d put all your favorite food on it and then share it with your family. Do you have a favorite food?”
Celestia giggled again. She needed to find his Grams, and quickly, or else there was a good chance Celestia would try to adopt him for herself. “I admit I like cakes, but I think I like them too much. I’ve been trying to cut back lately and to eat healthier.”
“You could always try carrot cake, or maybe rice cakes, I guess. When my Mom says she needs to lose weight, she eat a lot of rice cakes. I think she just eats her own cooking too much, you know. She sneaks tastes of everything.”
“I imagine that is always a problem for good chefs.”
“Yeah, but Dad just says there’s more of her to love, and then she gets all red in the face. I don’t get grown-ups sometimes. Mom always says she hates it when he says that, yet it seems like she wants him to keep doing it.”
“Grown-ups can be a bit strange, I have to admit.”
“Yeah. Mom and Dad just say they’ll explain it to me when I’m older, but I don’t like it when they tell me that. I’m not a little foal anymore, but they still treat me like one.”
“Don’t be too hard on them, Rider. They do want what is best for you, after all.”
“I know,” the little passenger huffed. “Does your Mom and Dad tell you what to do all the time?”
Celestia nodded and smiled to a passing pony before replying. “They did, yes. They were very strict with me, but they loved me, too.”
“Is that why your sister is missing? Did she run away?”
“No, I’m afraid my sister is lost because of me.”
“Really?”
“Yes.” Celestia took a moment to compose herself. “You see, I wasn’t very nice to her, either. I said a lot of mean things, and I hurt her feelings very badly. She got really mad with me one day, and … well, we got into a fight.”
“You fought with your sister? Why?”
“Do you not have a brother or a sister, Rider?”
“No, not yet. Mom and Dad sometimes talk about it, but then they say I’m all they can handle.”
Celestia giggled. “I hope not. It would not do for the captain of the Wonderbolts to be a rablerouser.”
“Yeah, Mom says that, too.”
“Well, sometimes siblings fight over silly things, and I didn’t want to listen to what my sister had to say. This fight was as bad as a fight can get, and in the end … hmm.”
“What?”
“Well, I suppose, in the end, my sister did run away, in a manner of speaking.” Celestia thought over the odd notion for a moment, but then she shook her head slightly. “Anyway, I know where she ran away to, so I just need to wait for her to calm down. Once she does, I will ask her to forgive me, and hopefully we can be friends again.”
“So, it’s kinda like she’s in time out?”
“In a way,” Celestia replied with a badly suppressed giggle.
“I hope your sister forgives you. I hate it when ponies fight. It’s always so mean, and nopony really listens when they yell. I don’t ever want to fight with anypony. I’d much rather be their friend.”
“My dear little pony, never lose that.” Celestia felt a deep happiness spread outward from her chest. “You will be able to accomplish great things if you try to be a friend to any pony you meet.”
“You think so?” Rider asked.
“I know so. Everypony needs at least one friend, I think. There is great magic in friendship, and ponies can draw much strength from others.”
“I guess that means I need to go tell Maple I’m sorry for saying she has cooties?”
“That would be a good idea, yes,” Celestia replied with a small laugh. “Are we near your restaurant?”
“Yeah, it’s right over there,” Rider replied with a bit of fear in his voice. “And Grams is there already, talking to Aunt See.”
“You should hurry back, then,” Celestia replied. She gently placed Rider down but couldn’t stop herself from giving him a quick hug. “And go have fun! I hope you get lots of candy.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to help find your sister?” Rider asked.
“I appreciate your offer, but it’s more important for you to get back to your Grams. Go on.”
Celestia giggled when Rider gave her a quick hug around her neck, then skittered quickly over to his awaiting family. From her vantage point, she could see a great wave of relief come over both of his relatives when he appeared with a cry and a cheer, and she quickly cast an invisibility spell over herself while Rider was scooped up and hugged tightly by his Grams.
The Princess withdrew slowly, watching as the small Wonderbolt told his family about what had transpired, but she saw him frown when he pointed in her direction. It was short lived, however, and soon Rider was on the ground, his hoof firmly being held by his Grams, and his smile grew larger with each step they took towards the Carnival.
“What a delightful little stallion,” she remarked to herself while she began to walk back to her waiting carriage. “I certainly hope I will be able to meet him again someday.”
The house that Sergeant Pokey and his motley crew were headed to was typical construction for being in the vicinity of the Forbidden Jungle, except perhaps with slightly thicker walls and higher ceilings. Even Celestia would not have needed to duck her head when coming in the front door, and to Pokey’s relief, the inside of the house was as uneventful as the outside, with the delectable scent of something cooking back in the kitchen giving a good hint that Bean was really here, and occupied with his favorite task.
“It’s going to be so good to have Bean back at the castle again, sir,” said Private Tart. “I have to admit, for somepony that I didn’t think we needed at first, he sure left one huge gap. If nothing else, having him back will cut down on the construction budget. They must have hauled a dozen of those big-rumped statues out of the gardens, all busted up into gravel, and the Plump Rump Hall—”
“Ahem,” said Pokey. “The Gallery of the Mid-Ponopean Age paintings, Private. Frankly, I wondered how all of those particular paintings lasted three centuries without some unfortunate accident happening to them, and if one of the guard should happen to use that particular phrase...”
“Got it, sir,” said Tart. “We’re flammable too. Anyway, stiff upper lip, greet the prince, transport him back to Canterlot, and stay out of the way of the kisses, right?”
“The risk of getting trampled during the reunion is high,” confirmed Pokey. “But, yes.”
“Just back here.” Windy motioned with a hoof. “He’s spent most of the time in my kitchen. Good food, but it’s going to take me a month to restock after this. He keeps cooking like he’s serving twenty ponies or something.”
Pokey nodded. “He usually does. You should stop by when he cooks his three cheese tortellini.”
“Well, sooner he’s outta my kitchen, the better,” Windy grumbled while she swung the door open. “Bean! There’s somepony here to see you.”
Sergeant Pokey then strode in, hoping that his ward would still recognize him and was still in one piece. The kitchen itself was as unremarkable as the rest of the house, but every vertical surface seemed to be covered with pots and pans. There was a whoosh of steam by the stove, but just as Pokey looked, he heard the voice that would make Celestia’s world right again.
“Hello, Sergeant,” Prince Baked Bean offered cheerfully. “It’s good to see you. You caught me at a bad time, I’m afraid; I’m trying to get dinner going for Windy and Junior at the moment.”
“It’s good to see you too, Your Highness,” Pokey offered with a dip of his head while Tart gasped and bent the knee behind him. “We’ve been looking for you for a long time.”
Bean dumped a pan of something into a colander, and the escaping steam obscured the view once more. “I’m sorry for that. You really didn’t need to find me, you know.”
Pokey glanced to Tart, who shrugged at his odd behavior. “Princess Celestia has been worried sick about you, sir. We need to get you back to her as soon as possible.”
“Celestia.” Bean paused, and Pokey thought he saw a flash of green light in Bean’s eyes before he dropped the pan he was holding and grabbed the sides of his head. “No! Can’t go back. It’ll be … mm, good but bad. I’ll hurt her if I love her.”
“See what I mean?” Windy quipped from behind the guards.
“Your Highness, please. I think you’re a bit confused,” Pokey replied in a soft voice. “We just want to take you home, that’s all.”
“No.” Bean picked up the pot, and slammed it onto the counter. “I’m not going anywhere near Canterlot. Nothing—” he grabbed his head again for a long moment and groaned. “Canterlot is wrong. I’m wrong.”
Pokey nodded slowly, and he quickly worked out a new line of attack. “All right, I won’t take you back. What are you cooking?”
“I’m not sure,” Bean replied with a grunt. “And that really bothers me. I always know what to cook.”
“Why don’t you keep working on that for now, and I’ll get out of your way. Maybe we can share a meal together once you get it right.”
“Yeah. That would be good, I guess.” Bean looked over the misshapen lumps in the colander. “Might be awhile, though.”
“That’s fine. I’ll check on you again in a moment.”
Bean absently nodded, and Pokey retreated back to the front room of the house with the others. Tart, however, vocalized the question they both shared as soon as the door had swung closed again.
“What happened to the prince?”
“I don’t know, but something about this whole thing bugs me rather severely,” he replied with a withering glare to the changelings. “Right now, he’s here, and reasonably healthy, if a little fragile. If we can get him back to Canterlot, Doctor Horsenpfeffer can treat him there. If not, we’ll fly in the finest specialists Equestria has and set up camp for however long is needed. I’ve seen soldiers act like this before. Private, fly back, and report our location, and make sure Princess Celestia doesn’t come screaming over here like her tail’s on fire. I’ll make sure Bean stays put until the Captain arrives.”
“Sir!” Tart saluted, then trotted outside and took to the air. Pokey shook his head once he took another look towards the kitchen, and then he turned to Windy. “How long has he been here?”
“Four days. He staggered in towards sunset, dehydrated and mumbling something about a pony named Thorax before he passed out. We took care of him until he came to the next afternoon, but when I tried to send Junior out to summon you guards, he flipped out. He begged, pleaded, and even ordered us not to contact you, or anypony else in Canterlot. We agreed, mostly to get him to settle down, and he’s been puttering around here ever since, cooking meals for us and acting like he was going to be ambushed at any moment. I tried telling him that he needed to go back a time or two, but he wouldn’t listen to me.”
“Why would he do that?” Pokey asked. “What did Chrysalis do to him?”
“Hey, don’t look at me.” Bob held his hooves up in the air. “I was in Canterlot the whole time.”
Pokey glared daggers at Mandible for a moment before turning back to Windy. “Well, on behalf of Princess Celestia and the whole of Equestria, I thank you for the service and the care you have rendered to Prince Baked Bean. If he’ll let us, we’ll take him back to Canterlot, and hopefully we can sort out what happened.”
“I hope so,” Windy muttered. “I’ll miss his cooking, but he’s generally been underhoof otherwise. It’s gonna take me forever to replace all the spices he used.”
“I’ll see to it that you are reimbursed for the loss,” Pokey replied, and then he glared at the changelings again. “Kale, Tip Top, may I have a word with you two in private?”
~*~
“All right, Mandible. What did Chrysalis do to Bean?” Pokey demanded once they were away from the house.
“I don’t know!” Mandible whined. Pokey snorted, his wings flared, and the changeling had to stagger back towards the front porch as the Royal Guard advanced on him.
“Perhaps I’m not being clear, bug. I want to know what happened. If you won’t tell me, I assure you that Princess Celestia will be the least of your concerns.”
“Seriously, I don’t know! Our Queen doesn’t prance around the hive, proclaiming her latest evil scheme in a carefully choreographed musical number, you know.”⁽*⁾ ⁽*⁾Most drones believed that their Queen suffered from stage fright, given that they frequently walked in on her belting out show tunes when in private. They also knew better than to ask her about it.
“Then tell me what you do know, and fast.”
“She wanted to corrupt him, for sure,” Mandible started. “She was trying to get him to love her, but I don’t know why it mattered. She also wanted Celestia to come to the hive to get him.”
“A trap,” Pokey mused. “Capture the Princess and replace her. No pony questions anything with Bean there.”
“Sure?” Mandible offered.
“That doesn’t explain why he reacted the way he did. Even if he did think Chrysalis was the Princess, he should want to return home. Something about this isn’t adding up.” Pokey tapped his chin with a hoof. “I suppose the only way to know what’s going on is to ask the Prince or weasel an answer out of your Queen.”
“I doubt our Queen is going to tell you anything, especially if she’s still being held in Canterlot,” Bob noted.
“Probably not,” Pokey agreed. “The best thing right now is to get him back to Celestia.”
“What will you do with us once he’s home?” Bob asked softly.
Pokey didn’t reply for a long moment. “Honestly, I don’t know. That’ll be up to Captain Armor and the Princesses, though I am willing to bet that you two will not be barbequed, since you helped find him.”
“Maybe she should,” Mandible quipped. “I’m sure our Queen will be pretty upset with us.”
At that moment, there was a sudden burst of magic, and the two changelings dove into each other’s arms with a yelp. Shining Armor, Private Tart, Prince Blueblood, and a carriage with two pegasus guards appeared in the clearing, and Shining Armor glanced around in confusion while Blueblood collapsed to the ground with a shuddering cry of pain.
“You actually managed to pull that off?!” Tart shouted while she moved to Blueblood’s side. “You’re insane!”
“What is going on here?” Shining demanded.
“Prince Bean,” Blueblood wheezed. “He’s here.”
“What? He’s here? What is he doing here?”
“Making Gazpacho, I think, sir. It’s that soup with the little—”
“I know what Gazpacho is, Sergeant!” Shining snapped, but then he hesitated. “Is he done? Because I wouldn’t want to interrupt him before he’s finished.”
“I don’t think so, sir. He said he was struggling with it.”
Shining then went to Blueblood’s side, and he put a hoof on the bureaucrats’ neck. “Did you seriously teleport all of us here, you idiot?”
“Celestia needs Bean.” Blueblood struggled for the words and for air. “This was the fastest way to reunite them.”
“I ran into Blueblood on my way back to tell you, Captain,” Tart added. “Seems that he was coming to help in the search efforts. Once I told him we’d found the Prince, he said he’d teleport all of us there so we could get Bean back. I didn’t think he would actually do that.”
Shining glanced to the two guards pulling the carriage, and they both nodded. “All right. Pokey, I’ll get Bean while you load up Blueblood. We need to get them both back to Canterlot as quickly as possible. Private, I want you to fly back to Wysteria and let her know we found Bean. Have everypony return as soon as possible.”
“Sir!” Tart saluted and was off like a shot.
“Sergeant, you can fill me in once we’re airborne,” Shining continued while he produced a scroll and a quill. “I want a full debrief once we get back.”
“Yes, sir.” Pokey moved to take care of Blueblood, only to whirl around and stare when Shining Armor’s magic surged and sent the scroll on its way.
Pokey looked at the Prince with more than a little nervousness. “That didn’t go to the Princess, did it?”
~*~
“Come, sister. You must eat something,” Luna admonished. “You’re going to start some horrible trends if you don’t.”
“I know, I know,” Celestia replied with a small pout. “But I just have no appetite.”
“Come now. Just a small bite to start. Don’t make me force feed you,” Luna threatened.
Celestia rolled her eyes, but she did take a small spoonful of rice pudding and chewed slowly.
“There we go,” Luna said with a smile.
“Lulu, do you think Minister Wise is right?” Celestia softly asked. “Am I wasting resources on a lost cause?”
Luna clicked her tongue. “You already know the answer to that.”
“I’d spend every last bit in the coffers and renounce my crown if it would bring Bean back.” Celestia closed her eyes and slowly exhaled. “But this doesn’t just affect me, or you. I’m asking all of Equestria to support this search, and I can’t completely drive the thought away. Maybe I am forcing our little ponies to give too much.”
“Celly, I can assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. You need only to remember what those same ponies did when I returned.”
Celestia smiled and quickly took another bite. “Indeed. I lost track of how many parties, parades, and celebrations there were.”
“The love that they had then for a princess they had never known is the same love they have now for a Prince who charmed his way into your heart. They will not be happy until you are once again happy, and whole.”
“Thanks, Lulu. You are right, and—”
Celestia was cut off by the sudden appearance of a scroll, and the contents of it were devoured by anxious magenta eyes before Luna had a chance to blink.
Celestia then let out a screech of delight, lept from her seat and sent the chair clattering across the hall, and she swept up her younger sister in a tearful and bone-crunching hug.
“They found him! They found him! Sergeant Pokey and Captain Armor found him!”
“They did?!” Luna cheered, and her joy mixed with her sister’s while she joined in with another screech of delight. “Celly! Where is he?”
“Somewhere near the Forbidden Jungle, but they’re on their way back now! Come! I must go to him at once!” Celestia released Luna and sprinted to the door. “Cadence! They found my Bean!”
~*~
“No.” Bean moved around to the stove and stirred his sauce. “I’m not going back.”
Shining blinked. “You have to. Aunt Celestia has been worried sick about you, dude.”
Bean groaned, and he put a hoof on the obsidian stone that he was wearing around his neck. “No. It’ll be … good, and I’ve missed her, but she’ll hurt me if she gets to me. I can’t let her find me. She’s gonna hurt a lot of ponies.”
Shining took a step back while Bean’s other hoof went to the bridge of his nose. “Who is going to hurt ponies, Bean?”
“Celestia … no, it—” Bean stalled and choked on his own breath for a moment while both hooves pushed against the side of his head. “It’ll be really bad. I have to leave.”
“Where are you going to go?” Shining asked while Bean moved to the door.
“Away. Far away. I don’t … I don’t want to hurt anypony.”
“Bean, listen to me. You’re going to hurt a lot of ponies if you do run. I can see this is all very confusing to you, but you gotta believe me when I say I’m here to help.”
“I...I know you are…” Bean shook his head a few times. “I don’t like this. It hurts when I think about her.”
“How about this, Bean. Come with us to Canterlot, but!” Shining quickly snagged Bean in his magic before he could bolt out the door. “But we go see Doctor Horsenpfeffer first. She can figure out why you’re hurting, and she’ll fix it. Then we’ll worry about everything else, okay?”
Bean’s hoof went to the stone around his neck again. It was all so confusing; he wanted to be with Celestia more than he wanted to breathe, but just the thought of her made his head feel like a coconut being split open. Could it really be that easy? Would the Doctor be able to take away this pain?
“Okay.” Bean slowly nodded. “I’ll go with you, but not back to the Canterhive.” Bean paused, and shook his head. “No. Not to Hivealot. Wait. That’s … no …” Bean groaned in frustration and he pulled on his own ears.
“What if I take you to the Crystal Empire?” Shining offered. “Horsenpfeffer can treat you there, if it’ll help you to feel better about coming.” Shining released Bean and held out a hoof. “Can you trust me?”
Bean nodded, and he limped his way to the door. Maybe the Doctor could do something to stop the pain in his leg, too. It really hurt when he tried to move it, and it really slowed him down to have it dragging along like dead weight.
“What happened to your leg?” Shining asked with deep concern.
“I’m not sure, exactly. I think I hit a tree? I can’t really remember.”
“Looks like it’s busted pretty good. We’ll have the Doc get that fixed up, too.”
“I would like that.”
“You’ve gotta tell me about everything that’s happened once we get you taken care of,” Shining remarked while they crossed the front room. “We need to make sure this never happens again.”
“I’ll try, but I don’t really remember anything after the fight with Tirek. I’m not even sure how I got here.”
“I’m sure Miss Rivers will be happy to tell us that part,” Shining said. “She also said she’s gonna miss your cooking.”
“Oh. I could maybe send her the recipes I was using.”
“I’m sure she would appreciate that.”
“Yeah,” Bean replied while he stepped outside and blinked away the bright sunlight. “I think she will. Maybe she can show me what spices—”
Bean’s words died as his throat suddenly swelled and began to choke him. His injured rear leg began to shake wildly, and he staggered a step back while his heart began pounding in his ears.
“Bean?” The most perfectly awful voice in all of existence tenderly whispered his name. “Is that really you?”
“No!” Bean gagged, and foam began to build in the corners of his mouth. His love, his agony, the one who he cared for more than life itself and the one who wanted to hurt everything he held dear was standing right before him. Images of Celestia and Chrysalis began to tear his head apart from the inside out, and he grabbed at his ears in a vain attempt to staunch the pain.
“Bean, it’s me,” Celestia called out, and she took a step towards him. “I’m here to take you home. You’re safe now.”
“No!” Bean screeched as he stumbled backwards. “I won’t let you get away with this! I’d rather die first!”
Bean took off at a dead run. He couldn’t tell which image in his head was of his wife and which was of his tormentor, but they twisted and churned within him like cake batter being mixed up with a tornado. Every last inch of him caught on fire, and he was sure his head would explode from the pressure at any moment.
He had to get away. Running took away the agony. Running protected those he loved.
Running saved his love from his love.
“Stop him!” Shining ordered over the gasps of alarm, and Bean suddenly found himself at the bottom of a pile of guard ponies and contained within one of the Captain’s shields. His frantic churning and writhing to break free matched what was consuming his soul, and his screams were panicked and feral.
“Let me go! This is a mistake! She’s gonna destroy us all! I won’t go back, do you hear me?! I can’t let her win!”
“Bean?” Celestia’s voice cracked with concern and confusion, and Bean began to sob uncontrollably when he saw the anguish on her face. “It’s me, Bean. Celestia. Your wife.”
“You’re not my wife!” he bellowed. “I hate you! I want a divorce, right here and now! I never loved you, do you hear me?! I hate you!”
“You don’t mean that, my love. Chrysalis did this to you.”
Bean screamed again, but his energy was fading fast. “Let me go, now! Celestia … is going to … hurt Celestia … no! Please! I can’t let her win…”
The shadows that were clouding his vision were broken by a pair of cyan eyes, and it only took a word from the younger sister to stop Bean’s raving descent into insanity.
“Sleep.”
* * ✹ * *
Baked Bean awoke with a shuddering gasp, and his legs flailed around for a moment while his brain processed where he was and what had happened. Chrysalestia had found him, and then Luna…
Bean inhaled sharply. The thunderous cacophony of confusion still rang loudly in the space between his ears, and he found that his black stone was gone when he moved to touch it. He snorted at that revelation; that little hunk of rock had not helped when he had really needed it.
“Bean-o?”
“Discord?” Bean replied. “Is that you?”
“Indeed it is, mon capitaine,” The Lord of Chaos answered in a very meek voice.
“Where am I?” Bean groaned and rubbed the sides of his head.
“You’re back in Canterlot, where you should be. Specifically, you’re in your chambers.”
Bean’s heart began to race once more. This was very, very bad. “And Celestia?”
“She's just outside, talking to Luna, Cadence, Shining, and Doctor Horsenpfeffer about your condition. It’s the first time she’s left your side since they found you, and she practically had to be dragged out so as not to disturb you while they talked.”
Bean nodded, and his mind frantically began to plot another escape. He couldn’t stay here in the Canterhive; he had to get away before Celesalis tried to use her magic on him.
“Look, Bean-o, I need to, uh …” Discord dipped his head in shame. “ I need to apologize to you. I betrayed you, and I—”
“Apology accepted, Discord,” Bean cut him off. “I forgive you.”
Discord blinked. “What? Just like that? You don’t want me to beg, or to tell you how amazingly fantastic you are for hours on end? I mean, that’s what I would want in an apology, after all.”
“Nah.” Bean’s gaze had gone to the unoccupied balcony, and a plan was beginning to piece together. “I don’t even know if you’re the real Discord or a changeling that looks like him. Even if you aren’t, it’s nice to say it.” With a smile and a wince he pulled the covers off of himself and struggled to stand. His efforts were hampered by a splint that held his injured leg at its full extension, but after a moment of awkward shuffling he managed to get upright.
“Steady there,” Discord said warily. “Last thing I need is Celly to think I’m taking you away.”
“Then you’d better leave. I don’t want you taking the heat for this.” Bean limped his way to the door. “Literally.”
“Bean? Let it never be said that I impeded some good, wholesome chaos, but what is going on in that yellow head of yours?”
“Salmonella.”
“Gesundheit?”
“It’s a bacteria, Discord, and a rather nasty one at that. It’ll give a pony gastrointestinal problems, and the health inspector will shut you down for a month if your restaurant has an outbreak. There’s only two ways to ensure it’s totally been killed; either you bleach it—”
Bean stopped at the edge of the balcony, stared off into the distant eastern horizon for a moment, and his jaw set in defiant understanding.
“—or expose it to extreme heat.”
“Bean, wait a minute,” Discord hastily said. “I don’t like what you’re implying here.”
“Discord, everypony in Equestria is in danger with me on the loose. I can’t let Chrysalestia win.” Bean’s expression softened. “I wish things could be different, but I just can’t let this happen.”
“Bean…”
Bean shook his head. “Only a Princess can raise or lower the sun.” He reached out with his magic, and he let his heart reach with his magic towards his beloved’s celestial orb. “Give Celestia my love, will you? I hope she’ll understand.”
“Bean, wait!”
It was too late. Bean closed his eyes when he felt his simple earth pony magic connect with the sun, and a small smile came with the overload of energy that came roaring back down the line with all the furious power of life and creation itself.
“I love you, Celly.”
For what seemed like eternity, there was nothing.
Baked Bean did not feel. He did not hear, or taste, or touch, or think. It was like everything had been erased from existence, and a deep nothingness was left in its place.
For a brief moment, he thought he had made the glorious transition between life and death, and that now he would be privileged to see what awaited a pony once they shuffled off their mortal coil.
He smiled as a pinprick of light appeared in the distance, and he felt the calm peace of total surrender as the light grew and overtook his entire field of vision. This was good, this was right. The pains and confusions and doubts were gone, and nothing remained but perfect bliss.
“Bean?”
“Celestia?” Bean felt his heart swell with love, concern, and desire. If he was truly dead, then he was grateful that his beloved wife was here with him. He couldn’t imagine any sort of life without her in it.
“What are you doing, my love?”
My love. No two words had ever been able to hold the entirety of perfection for Bean like those two did. “I’m trying to raise the sun.”
“Oh, you are? May I be permitted to assist you?”
Bean paused, and he searched every last bit of himself for Chrysalis’ horrid magic.
It was gone.
Celestia was again Celestia in his head, and Chrysalis was Chrysalis. He remembered everything that had happened, all of the pain and the anguish, the despair and the longing for the one whom he truly loved.
So when her wing tenderly draped across his back, his sobs came with bursts of laughter. When her magic weaved in with his, he collapsed to his knees.
And when her nose touched his with the first rays of dawn, he knew he was home. Once again, he found himself in those perfect pools of magenta, and he knew that everything he had thought about her loving him less was completely and utterly wrong. Her love surrounded him, supported him, and caressed him, with all the gentle strength that Celestia had to offer. He felt every last piece of his broken heart mended and healed in one glorious surge of pleasure, and he knew that his dear Celly had never stopped loving him.
She was his, and he was hers. Nothing in Equestria could ever change that, and he had been the world’s greatest fool to believe otherwise.
After another eternity of hugs, kisses, relieved giggles and heartfelt tears, Bean finally pulled back and drank in the picture of perfection that was his wife. She was even more glorious and beautiful than he had remembered, and they both giggled when he realized she was looking him over with the same eager concern.
“My dear Bean.” Celestia ran a hoof through his mane, down his neck, and then up to his chin and cheek. “I’ve missed you so much.”
“Celestia.” Bean reached up and held her hoof where it was. “I don’t … I’m so sorry. I couldn’t… I didn’t…”
Celestia kissed him once more. “Can you forgive me, my love? Can you excuse one of the worst mistakes I have ever made?”
“You have no need of my forgiveness, my sweet Celestia. It is I who should be begging you.”
“Do you still love me?” she whispered in fear. “Is there still room for me in your heart, despite the wrongs I have committed against you?”
“I never stopped. Everything I did was because I loved you.”
Celestia’s breath shuddered in relief and delight, and her wing wrapped even tighter around him. “This will never happen again, my love. I should have never sent you away. Your place, from now until the end of time, will be with me; and I will never let you go. Whatever the future may bring, we will face it together. I love you, my Baked Bean.”
Bean let out a gasp of delight, and he buried his tears deep in Celestia’s silken coat. His Celestia was again his, and her love for him was stronger than ever.
He could not ask for anything more perfect than that.
Celestia laughed slightly. “No, my love. You are not dead, despite your best efforts. You are still very much alive.”
“Where are we, then?” Bean glanced around at the swirling nebulae and soft white clouds in the sky overhead, then down to the ground beneath them that seemed to be made of stars. “I’ve never seen anything like this before.”
“This place has no official name,” Celestia replied, while pulling her precious Bean in just a bit closer with her wing. “But Luna and I typically refer to it as the Plane of Ascension. This, my love, is where Alicorns are born.”
Bean said nothing to this, but reached slowly out, then up towards his forehead. He chuckled a little when his hoof found nothing but mane, but he did notice that Celestia was frowning slightly.
“Not today, I guess?” he offered.
“I suppose not,” Celestia said. “It’s a bit strange, though. With what you have endured over these last two weeks, I would think that Harmony⁽*⁾ would see fit to acknowledge your sacrifices on behalf of Equestria, and for me.” ⁽*⁾ Harmony had obviously never tasted Bean's Whipped Double Chocolate Moose or he would have gotten wings and a horn right there in the kitchen.
“But I have been rewarded, my dear. I yet live, and I know that you still love me. That alone has made everything worth it. I would endure the depths of Tartarus itself if it meant I would have you.”
“Thankfully, you need not pay such a drastic price,” Celestia replied. “And I am beyond sorry you felt the need to earn it in the first place. You should never have felt the need to purchase my love.”
“Oh, I never felt like I had to buy it.”
“Don’t lie, Bean.” Celestia’s face contorted and displayed her deep sadness and despair. “Especially if you are trying to spare my feelings. What has happened to you is entirely my fault, no matter how you try to spin it. I should never have demanded you leave my side, ever.”
“It hurt when you ordered me to go away,” Bean admitted while staring at the ground. “But I was far more worried about your safety. I just wanted to do what I could to protect you; to keep you safe. I couldn’t let Tirek just waltz in and do whatever he wanted to.”
Celestia nuzzled Bean’s neck, and he felt a small wet spot start to form when she rested her head across it. “And if I had told you why we were giving up our magic, this would not have happened. My love, from now on I will never exclude you from anything. My desires to keep you safe caused you great harm, and I was blinded to the good that you had to offer in my time of need. Your ideas were sound, and born from a desire to be supportive. It was wrong of me to dismiss you.”
“I can’t be upset at you for trying to keep me safe,” Bean replied, while glancing back to the sling on his left rear leg. “As you can see, I’m not as sturdy as you are by a long shot.”
A shudder passed through Celestia’s body, and Bean nuzzled up a bit closer to comfort her. “You have given so much, Bean. I promise I will make this right again, in some way or another.”
“You already have. I cannot ask for anything to be more right than your love.”
“My dear husband, your actions have thrown so much fuel on the fires of love within my heart that it is now as bright as my sun,” Celestia replied while her wing pulled him in a bit closer. “It has never diminished in the slightest. Everything you do makes it grow.”
“I’m glad to hear that," squeaked Bean, "but air! Air!”
Celestia let out a small yelp while she lifted her wing. “I’m sorry!”
“Ohthankyou,” he replied with relief and a small laugh while her wing came back over him with less force. “Give me some time to heal, and then you can hold me as tightly as you like.”
“I fully intend to take you up on that,” she replied. “I cannot live without you.”
“Nor can I without you.”
“Then together we shall remain, for now and forever. You kiss better than your stuffed toy counterpart, after all.”
“I should hope so,” he laughed. “How did we get here, anyway?”
“You were sent here when you tapped into the power of the sun,” Celestia replied. “Or, at least I think that’s how we got here. I’m not entirely sure of the details.”
“The sun sent us here?”
“It may be that I am responsible for this. When I saw what you were trying to do, I panicked. I just threw my magic in with yours, so it is possible I cast a teleportation spell while doing so.” She paused with her ears folded back. “Please don't ever mention this to Twilight. I spent innumerable lessons lecturing her to not do what I apparently just did.”
“Do you know why I was trying to raise the sun?”
“Yes, and don’t ever try that again,” Celestia chided. “You scared me. I thought you were going to be a baked Bean for real.”
“I couldn’t risk you becoming infected with Chrysalis’ poison. I just couldn't. No matter what.”
“And I greatly appreciate that, but there were other ways to remove her influence without resorting to such drastic measures. Doctor Horsenpfeffer had researched what we had learned about changeling magic when Chrysalis brainwashed Shining Armor and attacked Canterlot, and we had just finished discussing the treatment to cure you. Had you not tried to incinerate yourself, Luna and I would have assisted the Doctor in purging the corruption.”
“Oh.” Bean paused, and he frowned deeply. “I guess this jerk needs to quit making knee-jerk decisions.”
“Do not concern yourself with that, my love. You made the best decision you could, under the circumstances.”
“Really?” Bean gave her a skeptical look. “You qualified your statement, so forgive me if I don't believe you. I can't help but feel like just about every decision I made was wrong.”
“You did wonderfully, my love. I do not think any pony could have done any better than you did, all things considered.”
“You're just saying that to butter me up. If you saw what I really did, you'd be so ashamed.”
Celestia gave her husband a knowing smile. “I doubt that, but shall we find out? Since we're away from Luna's curious ears here.”
“It's going to take me a long time to tell the tale.”
“Not as long as you may expect.” Celestia stood, and her magic tenderly lifted him up as well, taking great care not to aggravate the injuries on his hind leg. “Do you think you can take a short walk with me?”
“Where are we going?”
“Further up and further in,” she replied with a warm smile. “The truth of what you have endured will be made manifest to us both, and then I shall know if the celebration for your victory should last for two weeks or for three.”
Bean was slightly confused, but he kept his question to himself and slowly limped his way down the path with assistance from his wife.
He gasped a bit when several glowing windows slid into view along the sides of the path, but his joy grew with his smile when each window showed a scene from his own life.
“This is so cool,” Bean whispered in amazement and awe. “Our trip to Fillydelphia, and the Flim Flam brothers, and there's the visit to Ponyville. Hah! I remember that.”
His head swiveled, and then he frowned. “Ah. There's when you first met my parents, and there. The trial for Swift Hoof's death. See that one, just right there? That's just one of the hundreds of times I had to apologize to a customer for messing up their order. So many mistakes.”
Celestia pointed to another portal. “But then, there is your forgiveness of your parents, and that one is when we visited the Crystal Empire and you endeared yourself to the crystal ponies.”
“Hey, I'd forgotten about that little incident.” Bean chuckled and pointed to another. “My parents and I were visiting Grams and Granpa in Las Pegasus for Nightmare Night, but I got separated and lost on the way to the Carnival. Thankfully, there was a nice mare who had dressed up like you, and…”
Bean had to stop when Celestia began to giggle furiously. It took him a moment to understand why she was laughing, but once it came to him, he rolled his eyes and let out a small laugh. “That was you, wasn't it?”
The official reply from the Princess of the Sun was to smile impishly and to point to another portal. “This one, however, is one of my favorites.”
Bean smiled deeply and felt his joy grow outward from his heart as he watched Celestia stick her nose into a well known patch of sunflowers, his own scream and panicked retreat, and his capture within her magic.
“Where are you going, my little pony? Usually ponies run to me, not away from me.”
Bean tilted his head, and he had to ask. “Did I really look that scraggly when you found me in the sunflower patch?”
"You could say so," said Celestia. "For a moment, I thought you were one of the gardeners. Now, let us review what has happened since we parted. I want to know everything.”
* * ✹ * *
“They've been gone for a long time,” Discord muttered, getting out a fishing pole and digging in a bag full of eclairs marked 'Bait.’ “Should we go after them?”
“Relax, Discord,” Cadence offered. “If Fluttershy had been foalnapped and injured, then lost for two weeks, I think you'd want some time alone, too.”
“If that had happened, I would hunt down whoever would dare to do such a thing and inflict Pinkie Pie on them,” Discord growled.
“I don't think that's much of a punishment, in the end,” Bean called out while he floated down to the balcony in Celestia's magic. “But I don't think you'd really do that either.”
“Bean-o!” Discord cheered while the Prince and his wife touched down side by side. “You're back!” He then grabbed Bean and twisted him around to look him over. “And you’re front! You’re both here!”
“We weren’t gone that long, were we?” Bean asked, but then he yelped and stammered as Luna’s magic snagged his left ear and dragged him closer.
“Thou shalt never frighten us like that again, Bean!” she admonished while she vigorously searched his ragged mane about where a horn would be located on a Beanacorn. “Thou didst cause us great consternation.”
“I’m sorry?” he offered, before Luna pried his mouth open and intensely studied his teeth.
“Thou wilt be sorry if thou dost attempt another foolhardy act such as that,” Luna threatened. “But thou seemest to be in no worse condition than when we found you. How is your leg?”
“It hurts a little, but I think the sling is helping,” he replied with a backward glance.
“How is the rest of you feeling?” Doctor Horsenpfeffer asked.
“Reasonably well, I suppose. I feel a lot better now that I’m home again, and free from Chrysalis’ poison.”
“Glad to hear it. Now, if I can pry you away from your wife for a few minutes ... well, hours, I'd like to do another evaluation.” The Doctor conjured two rather large jars, and smiled while she held them up in front of the Prince. “I want to make sure all of Chrysalis’ poison was removed, and I want to make sure I didn't miss any other injuries.”
“Sure,” Bean replied. “But after that, I think I need to sit down with all of you and explain what happened.” He hesitated for a moment, but then continued. “What, exactly, do you want me to fill those jars up with?”
* * ✹ * *
Shining Armor marched down the hallway that lead to Chrysalis’ chambers, accompanied by his treasured wife and two dozen of his finest guards. He had just sat through Bean’s retelling of his time under the changeling queen’s ‘care,’ and the circumstances were far too similar for the captain's liking. Chrysalis was going to pay for this latest attack against Equestria, and she was not going to enjoy it.
That thought alone brought a smile to Shining's face.
A smile that vanished when he saw the empty chamber with a single fluttering note pinned to the carpet where the bed had been.
Until we meet again. Chrysalis P.S. Where do you find fitted sheets for this thing?
“Clever girl,” Shining muttered under his breath.
~*~
“She escaped?” Bean's eye twitched slightly, and he shifted nervously on the double-padded cushion that had just been installed on the throne.
“I have the guard on full alert,” Shining answered, “and we're doing a sweep of the palace now. If she's here, we'll find her. If she's not here, we'll still find her.”
“I'll keep you safe, my love,” Celestia whispered into Bean's ear.
Bean chuckled with that. “Given the damage estimates that I saw for the Hall of Suggestive Pillars alone, I don't doubt that for a second.”
“Captain, please continue and inform us at once if you locate her.” Celestia paused. "And if you do, see if you can get her to go into the third floor gallery where—”
"Celly," hissed Luna.
"Oh, I suppose." Celestia gave a brief wave of dismissal. "Carry on, Captain Armor."
“This turn of events is most disturbing,” Luna remarked while Shining strode out of the room. “And I fear that Chrysalis may have already returned to her hive. It may prove to be most difficult to bring her to justice.”
“I wish I could remember more about the hive,” Bean muttered. “Or even if I had seen a few. I could guess how many changelings there were, and it'd make going in a lot easier.”
“We will bring her to justice, my love,” Celestia replied firmly.
“Oh, I'm sure we will, but I don't want anypony else to get hurt if we can help it.” Bean hesitated while thinking, then forged ahead regardless. “In fact, have you considered not attacking their home when you find it?”
"Actually..." Now it was Celestia's turn to pause for a long time while Luna looked back and forth between them, her scowl growing until she could no longer hold back her words.
"Sister!" she chided. "Do not tell me that after wrecking half of our home, you are considering—"
"Not burning down the changeling's home, killing them all, and leaving nothing but a smoking ruin? Yes, Luna. That's exactly what I'm thinking. And so is my husband, who is alive because of them, even if he was mistreated by their queen in a manner most foul."
Luna looked back and forth a few times before sitting down. "It would have been a lovely fire," she said after a time. "But, I can see your point."
“I just hope Thorax is okay,” Bean offered in a quiet and thoughtful voice. “I hate to think he's still at the hive.”
“I'm sure he managed to escape,” Celestia offered with a quick kiss to his cheek. “And I hope we meet him soon. I would like to properly reward him for the assistance he gave.”
* * ✹ * *
“Next!”
Thorax shuffled forward in the line of waiting ponies, and he glanced around nervously. There were a dozen or so ponies on the platform of Appleoosa's train station, and it felt good to snack on the wide variety of joyful feelings that hung in the air. Working in the local apple orchard for the past two days had been tiring and had left him oddly not as hungry as he’d expected, but he felt a bit of pride at having done the work and having the bits to prove it.
He took care not to steal much of the emotion around him, though. He was a fugitive at the moment, a wanted bug who would not be shown any mercy if his Queen managed to figure out where he'd disappeared to. He was trying to leave no trail to trace, no indication of where he had gotten to. All it would take is one pony's complaint of feeling a bit drained to tip Chrysalis off, and then he'd be in such a world of hurt that being pinned up and put on display would be a relief.
“Next!”
Thorax slowly shuffled his way up to the ticket counter. He had tried to find Prince Bean, but his efforts had been severely hampered when he had been held up in the hive for several hours. By the time he was able to sneak away, it had been dark and impossible to follow Bean's tracks. Eventually, he had been forced to give up and to make his own run from Chrysalis’ wrath.
“Where to, sonny?” the elderly ticketmaster asked.
Thorax began to answer, but then the headline of the newspaper in the rack next to the window caught his eye. He smiled as he picked up the paper, read a couple of lines, then placed it on the counter.
“A one way ticket to Vanhoover, and this paper, please.”
Payment was made, a ticket was provided, and Thorax smiled all the more when he sat on the lone bench on the platform and began to read about Prince Baked Bean's triumphant return to his wife and to Canterlot. Thorax was pleased to no end that his first friend had gotten back to where he belonged, and perhaps they could visit again, once things had settled down.
But for now, Thorax needed to lay low. He felt an inexplicable urge to travel north, but he still wasn't sure why, other than to put distance between himself and his Queen.
Whatever the reason, Thorax somehow knew it would all be for the best. He would again meet with his friend, Baked Bean, and when he did, he would have lots of stories to share.
And now that he had one friend, Thorax hoped that, maybe, it would be easier for him to make more.
“Okay, Doc,” Bean said with a grunt of pain when Horsenpfeffer’s magic cut out. “Will I ever be able to play the piano again?”
The doctor gave him a heavy eye roll, but then smiled. “If you can play with your rear hooves, then you and I are going on the road. We’ll make a fortune. ‘Baked Bean’s Backwards Bonanza,’ we’ll call it.”
“It’s a deal, as soon as I learn how to,” he replied. “But in all seriousness, how bad is it, really?”
Horsenpfeffer didn’t reply immediately, but she did draw in a long breath while she moved to the sink in the exam room and began to wash her hooves. “Well, it’s not what I had hoped to find. That leg of your is a mess, to use an official term.”
“Define ‘mess,’ please,” Celestia stated with the concern dripping off her words.
Horsenpfeffer shook her head and blew out the breath. “If changelings had medical credentials, I’d be calling for the ‘Doctor’ who treated you to be sacked. They bound up your leg in such a way that they actually aggravated the injury, and…”
“And what?” Bean asked while Celestia drew him in closer with her wing.
“It’s going to take time,” Horsenpfeffer said slowly. “A lot of time. I’m not sure that we can fully reverse the damage.”
Bean felt Celestia’s whole body shudder, and he nuzzled her neck in reassurance.
“Having said that,” the Doctor went on, “I’m encouraged by the fact that you’re up and moving around with a minimum of pain as it is, and with some intensive physical therapy we should be able to undo most of the damage. It’s going to be difficult, and it’s going to hurt. A lot.”
Bean pulled back and offered a smile to Celestia’s worried frown. “If I have the love and support of my wife, I’m willing to endure whatever comes my way.”
“And I will do whatever I can to help you heal,” Celestia added with a warm kiss for her beloved.
“Other than that, you actually are in pretty good shape,” Doctor Horsenpfeffer went on. “You’re mostly bumps and bruises at this point, and I think if you just take it easy you’ll do fine. The standard scar reduction spell will help with those gashes on your withers and flanks. But I need you to promise me that you won’t try to fight any gigantic tyrants that are overloaded with magic ever again.”
“I’ll do my best, but I can’t make any absolute promises,” Bean replied. “I will consult with my wife before I go rushing off, if that will be acceptable.”
“Works for me,” Horsenpfeffer replied. “Now, Your Highness, I’m going to need you to go on some prenatal vitamins as soon as possible, and I’ll need to have you stop by at least every other week for check ups. The records are extremely old and rather incomplete for a pony with your condition, so we’re basically establishing a whole new baseline here, if not a completely new branch of obstetrics and gynecology.”
Bean blinked. “I’m pregnant?” The words soaked in rather oddly in his already thoroughly-stuffed mind, made only more confusing by Doctor Horsenpfeffer’s abrupt twitch as if she had said something she should not have said, like maybe changelings had some very odd mating habits and parasitic wasps and all kinds of terrible horrors that typically would only be seen in late-night horror movies.
“Oh! Not you, Prince Bean. I meant Princess Celestia,” Horsenpfeffer quickly said, and Bean glanced up to his wife.
“Celly?”
“I’m pregnant, my love. You’re going to be a father.”
Bean’s head was not exactly a well-oiled machine at the best of times. With the abuse he had suffered during his time in the changeling lands, the battered mechanisms of his mind already had wobbling gears and squeaking wheels. Somewhere deep in the hidden recesses of his mind, a spring went ‘sproing’ and ricocheted around his skull, several bearings seized up, and smoke began to leak out of his ears. It took a long moment for him to fully comprehend what his wife had said, and when he managed a reply, it was in a stunned whisper.
“A father?”
Celestia simply nodded in reply.
“What? No. Wait. How did this happen?”
“Well, when a stallion and a mare love each other very much—” Celestia began.
“No, no. I know how it happened, but how did this happen?” he repeated. “We’ve been separated for two weeks.”
“Her Highness is just over one month along,” Horsenpfeffer added. “Give or take a week.”
“But, before all of this, you were … I mean, I wasn’t, well, performing the way I used to.”
Celestia gave her husband a confused look. “You were not? I thought you were improving, to be honest.”
“You did?” Bean whispered, and he paused for a moment. “I thought you were disappointed.”
“My dear Bean, you will never be able to disappoint me. I am absolutely enthralled with you.”
There was another long pause while Bean studied the floor and thought. “A father.” He tasted the flavor of the words. “You’re not kidding, right? You’re serious?”
“I am. You and I will soon be parents to a beautiful little filly.”
“You know she’s a she already?”
“Not officially, but I feel that we have a daughter on the way. She will be our little Epiphany.”
“Epiphany.” Bean chewed his lip in thought for a few moments, but then the corners of his mouth twitched. “Epiphany Vanilla Bean. Nilla for short.”
Celestia remained still when Bean took a step away from her, but her smile grew with his when he put a hoof on her side. For several long moments, he simply stood, but then his hoof began to rub her stomach in small and tender circles.
“Hello, my little Nilla,” he swelled with gentle pride.
Then he fainted, right there on the floor.
* * ✹ * *
“Baked!”
Bean let out a small shout of alarm when his mother leapt from the still airborne carriage, but that was quickly stifled when she stuck the landing and then smothered him in a bone crunching hug. If he had hoped for Celestia to save him, it was for naught since she was giggling behind a hoof and obviously enjoying the outburst.
“Ribs, Mom!” Bean protested with what little air remained in his lungs. “I’m still fragile!”
“Don’t you ever scare me like that again!” Lima released her son, but she took his face in her hooves and studied it intently, with an obvious emphasis on his forehead. “You had your father and I so worried! Have you lost weight? I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, and I couldn’t even cook! We thought you were dead, and then we found out you were alive, but then just as we come to visit we find out it’s not you, and then you end up lost, and I couldn’t stop thinking about all of the horrible things that had happened to you! When was the last time you ate something? Did that awful Chrysalis starve you? I’m going to go give that pest a piece of my mind when the guards find her, and she won’t like it. Why is your leg bandaged, what happened to it? Did you break it? You should be eating more protein to help it heal. How bad is it? I hope it’s not too bad; I know how you love to run. What can we do to make it better? Should I make you some peanut butter and pecan nibblet cookies? What happened to you? Say something!”
“I’m fine, Mom!” Bean protested. “I’m sorry I made you worry about me, but I had to do something to stop Tirek.” Bean took a breath, then reluctantly added, “Although a few of your cookies would be nice.”
Lima smiled, and her love and pride for her son shone in her eyes. “I wouldn’t expect any less from you, Baked. It’s what a Prince would do.” Then she clopped him over the head with one hoof. “Stop it!”
Garbanzo had waited until the flight had come to a full stop before exiting the carriage, and then a little more to allow his wife first access to Bean. He quietly cleared his throat to provide a distraction before Lima thwacked her son over the head again and asked, “So, how bad is that injury?”
“It’s not great, but it can get better,” Bean replied with a hug for his father that was a bit tighter and longer than a normal hug would be. “Let’s head inside. The rest of the family is here already, so I can explain it all in one sitting.”
“You would make your own mother wait?” Lima asked with a pout.
“I would, but only because there’s something else I need to tell you first.”
“Oh?”
Bean smiled sheepishly, but he stood a bit taller while Celestia’s wing wrapped around him. “See, Celly is … well, before all of this happened, that is, I … um…”
“Just spit it out, love,” Celestia replied with a kiss on his cheek.
“Celestia is p…” Bean was giving it his best try, but all the air kept getting sucked out of his lungs every time he confronted that wonderful and terrifying word.
“Pretty?” prompted Garbanzo.
“Proper,” said Lima.
“No, she’s pr....” Bean gaped a little like a fish. “Pre...”
“Prepared?” asked Garbanzo with a worried expression.
“No, she’s with... I mean... Buns and ovens and I can’t say it!” His bottom lip trembled and tears began to well up in his eyes. “We’re gonna have a foal.”
What then followed was an explosion of words that could never properly be translated into any known language. Baked Bean was able to pick out a few key phrases, such as “I can’t believe it!” when Lima again tried to crack some of his ribs, and “I’m going to have a grandfoal!” while he was smashed into the middle of a group hug, but that was only based on the tones and inflections being vaguely similar to their Equish counterparts. There was possibly a mention by his mother of a new nursery in the ancestral Bean home, something about a beginner’s cooking set, and some advice for a proper diet while the new grandmother studied Celestia’s overall weight and stance, but everything else was lost in a torrent of overjoyed parental clucking.
“Does anypony else know?” Garbanzo managed to ask when Lima paused to inhale.
“Princess Luna knows,” Bean replied, while wiping away a few tears of joy. “Her reaction was similar to Mom’s. I think she’s trying to find a book that was written in the last few centuries or so about what Celestia can expect while she’s expecting.”
“Is your… um…”
“Pregnancy,” prompted the proud princess.
“Yes.” Garbanzo swallowed. “Will it be the same as other ponies? I mean since you’re an alicorn, does that mean it will take a few years, or involve some celestial event, like a comet or…” he hesitated, and for one moment, he looked so much like his son. “Eggs?”
“I believe that my pregnancy will be similar to any other mare, especially if Luna’s pregnancy is any indication of what I can expect.” Celestia’s ears folded back slightly, and she offered a nervous laugh. “From what I can recall, the Royal chamberpot was one of my sister’s closest confidants from conception and throughout until her daughter was born. I am hopeful that such symptoms will be more subdued for me, but I have to admit I have my concerns.”
“Will Princess Luna be alright with a new little one around?” Lima asked. "It's been a long time since she's had to deal with a foal."
“Actually, I believe I shall have to place a tracking spell on my own child to keep my dear sister from absconding with her. It may not seem like it, given her usually impassive demeanor, but Lulu has always regarded fillies and colts with a tender regard and deep concern. She would be devastated if she ever felt like she had disappointed any young one in any way.” Celestia shook her head. “The spoiling will last forever.”
“I would have never guessed,” Lima remarked while they all began to walk inside.
“Luna has always found it difficult to show her true emotions to other adults; she does not wish to be an imposition, if she can. It is possible to misread how she feels, and—”
Celestia paused for a moment with a sad and distant gaze, but then her focus came back to the present and she smiled brightly. “Well, it is sufficient to say that Luna will need little enticement to foalsit for us. Now, why don’t we share this news with the rest of the family? I am sure they will be just as overjoyed as you.”
* * ✹ * *
Bean couldn’t contain his smile, even if he had wanted to. He was surrounded by family, friends, and good food, and he was once again home.
Home. The word meant more to him now; the connotations were richer and fuller. Home had been in Salt Lick, and a small part of him would forever claim loyalty to the small town where he had spent his formative years, but it was a bit astonishing to think that, in just a few months, Canterlot and the palace had become his home.
Bean’s gaze lingered on his wife, who was in the middle of the ballroom and happily clucking with the other hens in the roost, and his smile deepened a bit when his eyes moved to her stomach. His physical location wasn’t what really mattered; what he truly cared about was who he was with. He could be in the Palace, or he could be in a run down shack in the middle of the Smokey Mountains, and he would still feel the same joy within his heart, so long as he had his family, his Celestia, and now his new little one.
A father! He was going to be a father! He and Celestia were going to be parents! He and his wife were going to have a family, and his wife and his daughter were going to be—
“Excuse me, Your Highness?”
“Trixie?” Bean turned, and one eyebrow slid up when he found the Element of Pride before him with her formal secretarial collar in its customary position.
“Hah. The Princess has that exact same look,” Trixie observed.
“I thought you’d be long gone by now,” Bean replied. “Princess Celestia agreed to absolve your debt, once I told her about our deal. Did you not get paid for a new wagon?”
“Trixie got the money, but Trixie has decided to stick around for awhile.”
“Really? I thought you wanted to get back on the road as soon as possible.”
Trixie smiled slightly. “Let’s say I had a slight change of heart. I thought things over while you were away, and I decided that remaining in Canterlot was the best choice for now. Miss Inkwell offered to double my salary if I did stay, and it would be wise to build up some savings, after all. Besides, Trixie’s new wagon simply must have at least four trap doors, self-lubricating axles, the latest magical lighting, triple barrel firework launchers, pure satin stage curtains with gold trim and tassels, double paned windows, and one of those new cloud stuffed beds that Trixie has been hearing so much about. This will require more money than I originally anticipated.”
“And?” Bean prodded.
Trixie’s smile grew. “And Trixie is not quite ready to leave her new friends yet. Sergeant Clover Leaf promised to show me a few card tricks she knows, and I’m running the pool with the laundry staff on names for Miss Inkwell’s foal. Plus, Trixie enjoys having three square meals a day, and a dry roof overhead that Trixie doesn’t have to fix herself.
“Trixie also has to admit that she was worried about you while you were gone,” she added, but then her eyes grew wide. “But only as a concerned friend! I don’t care about you otherwise! I mean, I do, but not like that. Princess Celestia would roast me alive if she thought Trixie was trying to make a move on you.”
“I really don’t think she’d do anything like that.”
“Oh?” Trixie scoffed. “That introduction to the trees must have scrambled your brain. It’s pretty obvious that Princess Celestia doesn’t like me in the slightest. She wouldn’t need much of an excuse to banish me to the moon.”
“Why do you think she hates you?”
Trixie gave Bean a flat look. “How does she act whenever I’m around you? The wings go up, the horn comes down, and she starts pawing at the ground like she’s in a jousting match.”
“She’s not that bad,” Bean countered. “Yes, she gets a bit possessive, but …”
“But what?” Trixie asked in the middle of his pause, and he chuckled.
“It just dawned on me. About ten years ago, we hired a new waitress at the Zuerst named Violet Rose, if I remember right. She was good at what she did, but for the first four months or so, my mom watched her like a hawk. Whenever she got near my dad, Mom would interject herself into whatever was going on. It got pretty awkward at times.”
“And what does that have to do with Trixie?”
“My mom was being possessive, just like Celestia. Subconsciously, Violet was a threat, a homewrecker come to steal her husband away and to leave little Baked Bean without a father. Mom was making sure Violet understood that Garbanzo Bean was very much taken, and that one wrong move would spell certain disaster.
“Celestia is doing the same thing, Trixie. You’re a potential threat, since you are a mare and you are near my age. She’s establishing her herd of one, if you will, and she’s letting you know that I belong to her, in nonverbal ways.”
“But she doesn’t do this with Miss Inkwell.”
“That’s because Wysteria is our friend, and she trusts her friends. Had I shown up right when Wysteria was hired, she’d do the same thing. I bet if you just give her a month or so, and if you show her you have no ulterior motives for my royal self, she’ll stop.”
“This is why Trixie doesn’t bother with special someponies,” Trixie muttered. “But I guess we’ll see if you’re right or not as time goes on.”
“I’m glad you chose to stay, for the record. Even if Celestia is still warming up to you, I consider you a friend, and I’m always happy to have friends around.”
“Just don’t expect me to hang around forever, Your Highness. I still plan on taking my show on the road again, once I feel that the time is right.”
“I fully expect you to,” Bean replied with a smile. “As your friend, I want you to be happy first and foremost. If that happiness lies elsewhere, then I will send you off with my best wishes and with a sincere hope that we will cross paths again.”
“Trixie would like that,” Trixie replied with a broad smile. “However, the reason I approached is because Prince Blueblood seeks an audience with you.”
“He does?” Bean glanced around the ballroom. “Where is he?”
“Out in the hallway. He says he needs to speak to you in private, if you have a minute.”
“Sure, I can duck out for a moment, I think.” Bean stood and began walking to the door with Trixie. “Did he say what he wanted?”
“No, Your Highness.”
Nothing more was said while the two walked out into the hall, but Bean offered a small smile when he found Blueblood just a few steps away from the main doorway. “Hello, Prince Blueblood. Would you like to come in? We have plenty of food, and Pinkie Pie made a really good mango strawberry punch.”
“I appreciate the offer, Your Highness, but I’m afraid I don’t have much time. I’m due to leave on the next train out of Canterlot.”
“You are? Why? If this is because of what happened earlier, you don’t need to—”
“That is only part of the reason, sire,” Blueblood interjected with a grimace. “I am returning to Yakyakistan.”
“Oh! Did they finally allow an envoy in?”
“No, but there is a good reason for their rejection. Your Highness, the truth of the matter is that I grew tired of the seemingly endless demands of Prince Rutherford and the Yaks. Every little detail had to be to their exacting standards, and it infuriated me how one minor omission could set back all of our work, and with a ‘Yak no like!’ added on as a seeming insult. It reached a point that I felt that my time was being wasted, and so I concocted a story about an imminent changeling invasion, ironically enough, and told the Yak delegation that I was needed back in Equestria to help prevent an attack. In this process, I also convinced Prince Rutherford to close his borders and to admit nopony within his lands, with the ruse that this would prevent a changeling from infiltrating his home. This, I hoped, would keep us from having to negotiate with them for a very long time, and I was quite pleased with myself when I saw the end result of my work.
“But then, while you were being held hostage by Chrysalis, I saw something that I had never expected to see. Despite my harsh evaluation of the motivation for the love that my Aunt Celestia held for you, I came to realize that her devotion to you was genuine and true. She loves you, and that love is deeper than anything I could ever possibly experience in my life, I fear. Every hour she spent away from you was another hour of the most exquisite torture, and it became clear to me that she could not live without you. She would remain alive, perhaps, but her life would become empty, shallow, and meaningless. She needs you, and you need her, I would dare say.
“In every way, my assessment was wrong. I realize that now, and I ask your forgiveness because of it. Had I seen the matter in the light of truth, there is a strong possibility that you would have remained safe and uninjured. Should you feel the need to punish me for my misdeed, I will submit to your rule and take my just desserts, as it were.”
“None of this is your fault, Blueblood,” Bean replied. “I mean, yeah, what you said got to me, and I kinda believed it for a bit, but if I had shared my feelings with Celestia before Tirek attacked, none of this would have happened, either. She would have told me how wrong you were, and we could have dismissed what you said with a laugh.”
Blueblood dipped his head. “I thank you for your kindness, Your Highness. I shall strive to be more informed, we’ll say, the next time I judge your character and motivations.”
“Thanks, I guess. Will it be hard for you to reestablish relations with Yakyakistan?”
“I’m afraid it may take many moons. They will be most displeased with my deception, and I will, undoubtedly, need to earn their trust again before any negotiations can be undertaken. However, I believe that there is a possibility of achieving our original goals, and I am willing to pay the price to bring about improved Equestrian-Yakyakistanian relations, just as you were willing to pay the ultimate price to keep Equestria and Princess Celestia safe. You may yet need more education in the affairs of governance, but you have shown that you possess the heart that a Prince should have.”
Blueblood then pulled a pocket watch from his suit coat, and his eyes widened a bit when he saw the time. “I’m afraid I do need to be going, however. Will you pass along my apologies to Auntie Celestia, as well?”
Bean smiled. “I’ll let her know. Maybe you can teach me some of your diplomacy tricks when you get back. Good luck, and please let me know if you need any help. I’m more than happy to do what I can.”
“Blueblood, dear?” Lady Chrysanthemum glanced around the corner, frowned, and waved at Prince Blueblood frantically. “We need to go!”
“She’s going with you?” Bean asked, and Blueblood chuckled lightly.
“It would seem that there is a great demand for geologists in Yakyakistan, Uncle Bean. Until we meet again.”
Prince Bean dipped his head to Prince Blueblood, and he drew in a long breath while the diplomat quickly trotted over to his awaiting partner. “He just called me Uncle, Trixie.”
Trixie simply stared at the retreating form of the white unicorn. “Uncle, huh? Does that mean he gave up?”
“In a way, I suppose, but it’s probably one of those times that it’s good to give something up.”
“I’ve called him worse,” Trixie added thoughtfully. “I was hoping he would apologize to me, too.”
“One step at a time, I guess,” Bean remarked. “Shall we return to the party?”
“Maybe if I write up an official apology, use Celestia’s royal seal, and then have him sign it without telling him what it is,” Trixie mused while they moved back into the ballroom.
“Or, you could just let it go,” Bean said with a knowing glance that Trixie completely missed.
“Why would I do that? Blueblood owes me.”
Bean rolled his eyes. “Maybe one day, Trixie. Just don’t hold your breath.”
“Bean-o!” Discord hollered, and a rather petulant-looking draconequus appeared before him with a flash of light. “Can we talk?”
“Somepony is popular tonight,” Trixie muttered.
Bean ignored the comment and offered a smile to Discord. “What’s up?”
“Well, since somepony decided to try to play around with the sun while I was trying to offer a very heartfelt and moving apology, I feel that I still need to ask for your forgiveness. You see—”
Bean held up a hoof. “I said what I meant, and I meant what I said, Discord. I forgive you. You don’t need to ask again.”
Discord leaned back. “Just like that? No pleading, no awkward promises or humiliating favors that you’ll cash in at the worst possible moment? Don’t you want me to get down on my knees and tell you how magnanimous you are?”
Bean shook his head. “Do you know what you did wrong, Discord?
“How could I forget, seeing as how Rainbow Dash reminds me every thirty seconds?”
“Are you going to do it again?”
“Goodness, no! I realize now what Tirek did, and nopony makes a fool out of me!” Discord quickly wiped the clown makeup from his face and tossed it across the room, where it then hit Rarity in the face with a solid splat. “Discord is his own draconequus, thank you very much!”
“May I still come to your Tuesday tea dates?”
“Only if you bring more of those tea cakes and apple scones. I’ve had a hankerin’ for those lately.”
“Then I see no reason why I should not forgive you. You made a mistake, but you’ve learned from it. Friends forgive, after all.”
Discord put a fist to his quivering lip, and he squealed a bit in delight while tears welled up in his eyes. “Bean, I don’t care what Twilight says about you. You’re all right, in my book.”
“Do I dare ask what Twilight does say about me?”
“Oh, just that she’s glad you’re back, too. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s discuss how you can produce chaos responsibly in the future. There’s better ways of getting that inner desire to be random out of your system, you know.”
Bean smiled at this while they walked back into the ballroom and towards the rest of the partygoers. “Discord, I would love to hear all about it.”
* * ✹ * *
“I can’t believe they got to Principal Celestia and Vice Principal Luna, too,” Fluttershy lamented, while she watched a ladybug crawl onto her finger.
“They’ve gotten to everybody!” Rainbow Dash added.
“Not everybody!” Pinkie interjected.
“Pinkie Pie’s right,” Applejack added. “We were there when the Dazzlings were singin’ and we weren’t affected. It was like we were protected somehow.”
“So let’s take them down!” Rainbow declared while balancing her soccer ball on her head. “It’s not like we haven’t tangled with dark magic before and totally whooped its sorry butt!” Rainbow headbutted the ball, and caught it before realizing what she had said, and to whom. “Uh, no offense.”
Sunset Shimmer rolled her eyes and frowned. “None taken. Again.”
“But that was when Twilight was here,” Fluttershy pointed out. “There may be some kind of magic inside us, but it only comes out when we play music. I sure don’t know how to use it to…” she paused while she watched the ladybug take to the air, “whoop anybody’s butt.”
“If only we could get a message to Twilight.” Rarity inspected the nail polish she had applied, and then moved in again to touch up her work. “Maybe she could tell us how to break the spell the Dazzlings have cast on our friends.”
“Well, that’s not gonna happen. The portal’s closed.” Rainbow threw her soccer ball at the pedestal in frustration, causing Rarity to jump in alarm and let out a groan of annoyance when her handiwork was ruined by the scare. “And I get the feeling they don’t exactly have cell phones where she’s from.”
The mention of cell phones triggered a memory within Sunset Shimmer, and after a moment, she faced her friends with a smile. “I may have an idea how we can get in touch with Princess Twilight!”
~*~
Sunset rummaged at the bottom of her locker for a moment, with a mental admonishment to clean up the mess of candy bar wrappers, week old leftovers, and old assignments, if there was still a school at the end of all this. Thankfully, the book she was after wasn’t buried very deep, and she grinned while she turned and faced her friends.
“When I was Princess Celestia’s student back in Equestria, she gave me this.” Sunset wiped the accumulated layers of dust from her cutie mark on the cover, and her gaze drifted to the past for a moment. “Even after I abandoned my studies, I held onto it. Deep down, I guess I knew I was making a big mistake, and I wanted to still have a way to reach out to her.” She flipped the book open to a blank page, and her hand ran over the surface with hope. “Maybe it still works.”
“That’s a book, darling. What do you mean, ‘maybe still works?’” Rarity asked.
“It used to be that if I wrote something here, it would appear in the pages of a book back in Princess Celestia’s library. I get a message to her, then she can get a message to Princess Twilight.”
“So what are you waiting for?” Rainbow held out a pen with a grin. “Get to writing!”
Sunset hesitated, took the pen, then drew in a deep breath as she put the pen to paper. “Been a long time since I’ve written these words. ‘Dear Princess Celestia…’”
* * ✹ * *
“How is your leg, my love?” Celestia asked, and Bean wiggled a bit on his bed of pillows.
“It’s hurting a little, but it feels better now. I probably overdid it a bit at the party last night.”
“Relax, then, and thank you for trying to help.”
“Are you really sure you want to get rid of these books?” Bean asked while he idly flipped through one that had just been placed in a box.
“I believe they would be better utilized if they were in Twilight’s collection,” Celestia replied while her magic pulled a few more from a shelf. “I have not used these in quite some time, and one of the greatest injustices a book can experience is neglect. Besides, there are copies of all of these in the Royal Archives, and Twilight would willingly send a volume back to me, if I ask her to.”
Bean closed the book he’d been looking at and gave his wife a grin. “You know, I think the bassinet would still fit in here, even with the shelves.”
“Perhaps, but I have other plans that require more open space,” Celestia replied with a warm hum.
“Couldn’t we just requisition another room in the palace for the nursery?”
“We will, but I would like to have a small little space in here where Epiphany can rest,” Celestia replied as her magic teleported the now empty bookcase out of the drawing room.
“Can’t argue with that,” Bean replied, but he grew curious when Celestia pulled a book from a shelf and looked at it longingly. “What’s that one?”
Celestia ran a hoof over the embossed cover, and the corners of her mouth twitched up into a sad smile. “This is a journal, my love. It is tied to a similar book that my former student, Sunset Shimmer, has in her possession.”
“I thought she disavowed you.”
“She did, but she still kept her book. I hope that, one day, she will forgive me for my failures as her teacher, and that she will wish to talk to me again. Of course, I don’t even know if the magic will work where she is.”
“May I?” Bean held out a hoof, and Celestia floated the journal to him.
“I have read and reread the messages we exchanged dozens of times,” Celestia remarked while Bean studied the cover. “Perhaps you will see something that I have missed, something that will help illuminate where I went wrong.”
“I’m happy to look it over,” Bean replied. “But I don’t think I’ll find anything new.”
“You never know.”
Bean jumped a bit and gasped when the book in his hooves suddenly began to glow and vibrate. “Um, sweetie? I think that magic still works.”
Celestia let out a small cry of delight, and her magic eagerly snatched the book and flipped it open. Her smile turned into a frown as she read, however, and Bean felt a knot of worry form in his gut while he waited for her to read.
“What’s going on?” Bean asked when Celestia snapped the book shut, and his ears folded back slightly when he saw the lines of determined concern on her face.
“We must go to Ponyville, immediately. Sunset needs our help.”
* * ✹ * *
Mandible and Bob stared at the four post bed that was residing in the hallway just outside their Queen’s personal chambers, and both were thinking the same thought.
“How did she get—”
“Shutup,” muttered Mandible.
“I mean the bed is huge—”
“Shut. Up. Now,” hissed Mandible. “She wants the bed in her room so we’re going to put the bed in her room. Unless you’d like to find out what being drawn and quartered feels like.”
Bob eyed the doorway, which was not very “Princess Bed” sized, then took a look at the nearby wall. Princess Celestia had given him a more liberalized view on interior decorating during his brief stay in Canterlot, the wall was not all that thick, and Queen Chrysalis really did deserve a larger bedchamber...
This chapter was originally published April 1, 2018 with the title of My OC Baked Bean is awesome and once you read this you will agree and if you don't then I'll fight you over it :) but we won't because you'll love him and my story and you'll give me a million upvotes once you see how awesome the. It is not part of the official storyline, and can be skipped entirely if you don't like bad April Fool's jokes.
Baked bean was the awomest that had ever been in the history of ever.
Nopony disupted this, no one wanted to. It was so blindingly, mind-numbling-ly, uncategorically true that to trie to fight it was like trying to telling Twilight to not study for a test, which would never happen, because Twilight always studies for tests and hyperventalites about them and then she does fine which really makes me wonder why she gets so nervous. I mean, She’s aced every exam she’s ever been given, and she knows magic like a pony should know magic, so why is she alway s so scared when one comes up? It really makes no sence if you think about it for a while.
Anyway, this isn’t a story about Twilight, this is a story abotu Baked Bean, who was still awsome. Why? Well, because he’s my OC, but also because he was the kind of pony who just made everything work.
Take last monday, for example. Baked Bean was casually strolling [walking, meandering, maybe trotting?] in the palace, a happy grin giving a happy song to the staff that he met as he walked along, and while he walked, he managed to still say hello to eveyrpony.
It was just right at that exact moment that Wysteria came up with a bundle of papers that needed to be royally reviewed and bean knew he could do it for his beloved Celly and he gracioulsy took the papers from Raven so she wouldn’t have to walk around all day with them while she looked for Princess Sunny because papers get heavy, like one is not all that bad and even not a ream is so heavy but then try carring a box of them or a couple of boxes and then it really gets to be a strain, even if you have magic, which Bean didn’t because he wasn’t a unicorn, silly, he was an earth pony who could handle all of that weight and not even have to breath hard while he did so so he took the papers and he went to the office where he could look them over and when he did look them over he saw they were all the dry boring kinds of laws that the ministeries always sent when they wanted their own little pork projects passed, like the one from Ministeress Penny who wanted to have all currency changed from doubloones to tripbloons and then there was the one from Bluebood that said every town should make a statue in the center of their towns in his honor, but of course no one was going to do that because no body likes Blue Blood, he’s a jerk and the worst and I’m not going to talk about him anymore :derp: so bean signed off on the important ones, like new roads and playgrounds for the kids and ;then he vetoed the bad one like prince I’m-not-saying-his-name’s proposal and then when he got done with the hundred thousand laws that had been given to him it was still only quarter to nine so he had more time before Cellestia would show up and want to make out with him, and he really liked making out with her but all the other guards got jealous when they did and Blue -- oops! Almost said his name ha ha not-Prince went all green with envy, so maybe I shoudl call him greeny instead is that a funny enough funny, Georg? Let me know, thanks! and Greeny decided he was just going to leave cause he’s not important anymore, ok bye bye, and he left and that was that and then Bean went out and found a small group of school kids nearby trying to figure out if the vase went in and then out or maybe out and then in.
It was a very important question. This vace was white, with little blue specks that sparkled and shimmered a bit when Celestia let the sun shine on it just right, and the handles on each side were about two inches tall and looked a lot like an elephant’s ears, if you looked at it right, and they were as smooth as the vace was which vace also had nifty little greek square patterns on it that looked pretty cool when you looked at it crossed eyed, like one of those old 3-D eye things that used to be popular.
Do you remember those things? ‘Cause I do, and I could never see the image in them.
Anyway, Bean walked up to Luna, who was eating a bowl of corn flakes, and he asked Luna are you ever going to try Celestia’s pancakes?’
“I would, but I’m always so tired in the mornings, Bean.” she replied. “I don’t like to stay up past my bedtime.”
“Ha, you whiner. Bean laughed. Luna didn’t think that was very nice, but it was kinda funny when she thought about it more, (so you should be laughing too. } so she laughed and said she was.
“Maybe I’ll eat some tomorrow, all right?” she told him. “But first I need to sleep, i always sleep during the day. I’ll make the moon come up in the west tonight just for a change of pace.”
“Oh, Luna, youre so strange and micheivieious.’ Bean replied. “Your pranks will get you into trouble if you’r not careful.”
“I don’t care. Im going to do it anyway, and Ill laugh while I do it.”
“But what about everybody who will think you’uve gone all N.M.M. again and are trying to bring about an endless and eternal night?”
“Ah, you are right again as always. I won’t do anything for now. I’m going to bed now.”
So what should we do now? Celestia asked her husband who she loved more than anyone else.
“Why don’t we have lunch? I can make a very delicious horseradish soup. It’ll be the best soup you’ve ever tried, trust me.”
“Oh, but my Bean!” Celestia fell swooned into his arms. “I am so starvingly famished! I could eat
“Well, let me make you some soup then. I know. Youll like it as soon as you try it.”
“I love everything you do, Dear Bean, so if you make me a soup, Bean, then I will eat the soup and it will be the best Soup my Bean has ever souped.”
“And don’t you forget it,” he laughed with her. “I always soup a mean soup.”
…
[hr[
Baked Bean was going to do something that no other pony had ever done before.
He was going to defeat Lavan.
“Who is Lavan?” you ask. Well, I’ll tell you. Lavan is a a lava demon, who everybody thought was destroyed back in G1, but now he’s come back for revenge and to settle the score.
BEAN: Well, I should go defeat the Lavan now.
CELESTIA: Oh, Bean! It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this!
BEAN recieved a SWORD!
(ha! Do you see what I did there? )
BEAN: Where did you get the sword from?
CELESTIA chuckles.
CELESTIA: It’s an old heirloom, the Mythic Sword of Rightness in Truth. Even more powerful than the Elements of Harmony, even more powerful than Discord, the only thing that might be more powerful is me. But, of course, I can’t go with you becaue I have many great and important things to do here that I don’t need to tell you about, because you already now.
BEAN: Well, that is true, I do know. And because I love you so much I will go defeat this horrible monster and then Equestria will be free from his plage.
CELESTIA AND LUNA: Go then, Bean, with our blessing, and know that we know you will be triumphant and sure.
BEAN leaves. He walks out into the hallway, where POKEY and CLOVER are waiting for him.
CLOVER: Bean, you cannot go alone, even if yo do have the ledgendary sword. You will need more help.
POKEY: Sgt. Clover, you should not speak to the prince in that way! Of course he can beat LAVAN!
CLOVER: But I am not sure, POKEY. LAVAN is very powerful and very EVIL, so BEAN should really take some more help.
BEAN: I suppose you ar e right. I can take maybe one or two of the ELEMENTS OF HARMONY, will that make you feel better?
CLOVER: Yes, but make sure it is APPLEJACK and FLUTTERSHY and RARITY. TWILIGHT is used too much, she can just stay home and do alicorn-y things for once.
BEAN: Of course. I will take those three, and together the three of us will travel across Equestria and beyond Equestria’s land to make sure that LAVAN never distrupts Equestria again. Wish me luck for luck!
ALL laugh. BEAN then leaves the palace, gets on a train, and begins to ride to Ponyville.
BEAN: (inside his own head while he watches the world pass by out the window of the train car) I wonder how I will defeat LAVAN. Will I have to trick him? Maybe there is a secret phrase that will immobilize him. I am unsure, which is really highly and not very common for me. maybe I will go ask SPIKE THE DRAGON to help me find some information.
So bean gets to Ponyville and spike is there and spike says sure ill help and spike helps by finding all the books in Twi’s library about LEVAN and Bean reads them all faster than The Lavender Unicorn ever could because he’s taught bimself how to speed read laws ans the second to last book he reads tells him that LEVAN can be beat by his super-awesome-bad-guy-busting sword of greatness.
“Aw, That’s just like my Celly to take care of me like that ok I'm going. Rarit, flutters, and Dashie, you come with me.
[Sipioc, you should totally draw an epic pic of them standing togwther looking awesome! ]
So they were off. BEAN took the lead, SHY stayed behind him, RARITY™next, and then the Rainbow one. “Wait shouted the lavendar unicorn, and Bean smiled in a kind way. “You can't defeat LEVAN HE’S TOO POWEFUL FOR YOU.
YES I CAN HE REPLIED I HAVE THE SHIELD OF IMPERVIOUS MIGHT TO PROTECT ME,”
“Oh, I didn't know that the lavender unicorn said with a laugh “well I suppose you will be ok. All on your own. With three of my bestest besties.”
“Yeah, but, why dont, you, come too?”: he said. “I have two flyers but only one magic. You will make it it even. Two and two. Perfectly balanced.
[Hey DQuirk, check that last paragraph for me. I might have missed a comma domewhere. Thanks! ]
So off they went. They faced an insidious journey together, and if you *ADD LINK HERE*support my patreon, l’ll PM you the password to the unpublished story so you can read it for yourself and then our four heroes founs themselves outside Grogar’s cave.
“I am sacred” said Fluttershy. “I know you taught be how to believe in myself while we were travelling bit now I am scares.”
That’s because you’re not wearing the Helm of Indeterminate will [is that the right Word, Moon Fire?] Rarity smarmed. “Oh, right. I will feel much braver when i put that on,” she put the helm on, “Now i feel brave. LEVAN will stand no chance against us.”
“Do you still have the Spear of Skwering, BEAN?” DAshie asked.
“I do, and i will be using it in this upcoming battle. It will be the most epic battle in the history of battles, and no other battle will ever be the same.”
And it wasnt. Bean beat LEVAN handily.
BEAN; now this great evil is reformed and will be one of our friends
LEVAN, IN TEARS: OH yea I will be you friend thank you. For showing me what a big meanie I was.
And then ALL GASP!
LAVENDER UNICORN: *gasp* BEAN! YOU HAVE GROWN WINGS AND A HORN YOU ARE A UNIPEG! THE VERY FIRST BOY (and only] ONE IN EQUESTRIA!”
CELESTIA: Yes, this is most indubitably correct and it makes me love you all the more.
BEAN: I know, because who doesn't love me, right? *wink*:raritywink;[\u]
******_****************************************
“Well, now I have wings, and a horn.” Bean stated. “This is strange, but I think it will be good.”
“Yeah, but you’re still not a faster flyer than me!” Rainbow Dash the Bragger proclaiemd. “I bet you couldn’t even do a half rainboom.”
“I bet I could. Youre on!” Bean announced. With one mighty flap of his mighty wings, he mightly took off into the mighty clouds.
“All right, let’s do this!” Rainbow took off and they both landed on a cloud. “First one to rainboom wins, got it?”
“Got it!”
“Ready and set and go now!”
“Cheater!” Bean laughed as Rainbow zoomed away. Bean shook his head, and with a mighty flap of his wings, he caught up to her in five to three seconds.
They flew alongside each other for a little bit, Bean casually flapped along while Rainbow poured all of her effort into her wings. She flew and flew and flew and flew and flew but now matter how hard she flew she coulnd’t shake bean.
Just as she began to tmake a Sonic Rainboom, Baked took off for real. Each flap of his mighty and gloriously awesome wings propelled him faster, until he had not only made a rainboom, but two rainbooms at the same time! He was so fast, he broke sound twice! TWICE! Ha ha ha!
“How did you do that!” Rainbow asked once he stopped going so fast and came back toher. “I’ve never seen a double Rainboom!”
“It hadn’t been done before, so i decided to do it. It was pretty cool, huh?”
“Totally! Celestia will totally want you now, for sure!”
“Thanks! But it looks like Fluttershy needs some help down there, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah. You should go help. I have a nap that needs taking.”
Bean agreed and flew down to Fluttershy. “Hey Flutter flutter. What are you doing can i help’
“Oh, yes please. Angel Bunny won’t eat his carrots again.”
“Angel! As a Prince of Equestria I order you to eat that carrot and to never give flutter flutter a problem about eating again.”
Angel had to listen, because a unipeg prince had told him something. He began eating the carrot, and Bean nodded. “Good. He shouldn’t give you any more problems, Flutter flutter.”
“Thank you, your majesty. Say, could you head over to Rarity’s shop and help her out? I can’t.”
“Sure, I am always willing to help a friend.”
Bean meandered over to Rarity’s Fashionable Clothes shop and walked in.
“Hello, Darling. Did Flutter flutter send you?”
“She did.”
“Such a good friend. It is magic, after all.”
“That is is. What did you need help with?”
“Well, I need you to help me with this design. Bean glances it over and then replies “you’re’re using the wrong stitch. You should use a Faust stitch there, not a Thieesen.”
“Oh, Darling! Isee that now!” Rarity will say. “You are right!”.
Bean will smile lagubriously and tell her is is ok before heading out to check on Applejack, who was in the middle of a harvest.
“Hoo-wee, y’all. This is hard work,” she proclaimed. “Hey ya sugarcube, can you help me get all this in?”
“Of course,” you reply. “I can do it. I can do it nine times.”
You let the magic flow off of your magnificent horn, and your magic reaches out and pulls every ripe apple down and stacks them neatly all at once at the same time togeher with each other. Into the baskets they go, and you then levitate all the baskets into her barn for storage.
“Well, shoot sugar cube. That went faster than a commercial brake. I should hire you on full time?”
“But what would my darling wife do without me?”
“She would freak out, is what.” Pinkie Pie replied. “And just you wait until she hears about this poorly written fanfic that you’re in. She’s going to come out of the monitor and have quite a talking to with Irrespective about how to write properly.”
(J/k, I *am* her so she wouldn't ever do that. -Irrespective)
“And just imagine what will happen when the moderators find this mess, Ir!” Pinkie yelled with a squeak. “You will be banned from fimfiction for-ev-er! And your readers! They will hate this and your story will have a million down votes and three point seven million unshares and then No Nose will Know!”
But pinkie! They love me!
“No they don’t! Now cut it out right now or I'll have to do something drastic.”
Yeah, like what?
Pinkie gave me an evil look. “I go turn on the modem.”
“Modem?” I say. “I have a modem still?”
A dial tone sets my heart to racing. I still have a modem! Why do I have a modem still? #firstworldproblems
A screeching noise screams out of my desktop! No! She actually did it! The handshake has been initiated! I can’t take the noise! So old!
“Do it, Irrespective! Stop this whole crazy mess right now!”
“ … can I at least have a cupcake?”
“Ok. But no sprinkles!”
Aw.
“I’ll dial up again!”
All right, all right! Yeesh.
Bean gasped and popped up on to his hooves. Celestia couldn’t help but be awoken by the sudden shift, and her wing retreated back as she quickly turned and faced her love.
“Bean, what is it? Are you all right?”
“I think … so?” he replied, and he glanced down at a hoof while taking slow and even breaths.
“Were you having a nightmare?” Celestia’s magenta’s eyes shined through the darkness with concern.
“No, I don’t think so,” he replied. “It wasn’t a bad dream. I just …”
Celestia’s worry didn’t abate with his nuzzle, and she wrapped her wing tightly around him once he had laid back down and snuggled into her perfectly soft fur.
“Just don’t let me have any Jalapeno poppers before bedtime ever again.”
this isn’t a story about Twilight, this is a story abotu Baked Bean, who was still awsome. Why? Well, because he’s my OC, but also because he was the kind of pony who just made everything work.
} so she laughed and said she was.
)
and then our four heroes founs themselves outside Grogar’s cave.