And There’s Nothing I Can Do to Make It Right
Bon Bon had really tried to enjoy the wedding. Cranky and Matilda’s love was genuine and heartwarming. The unexpected eruption of the flameless fireworks was spectacular. And the reception was an all-around pleasant affair. But she couldn’t enjoy herself. Not when she knew she had hurt Lyra.
Lyra had hugged her before the ceremony began. She had even shared a secret of her own to try to make Bon Bon feel better. But there was a big difference between not telling your marefriend that you ate her oats and not telling your marefriend that the pony she had been dating for fifteen whole months wasn’t entirely who she thought she was. Bon Bon wanted to believe that the hug meant that everything would still be okay between the two of them. But how could Lyra truly forgive her? After all, Bon Bon couldn’t forgive herself after seeing the wounded look she had put on her true love’s face.
(Bon Bon was also upset that she couldn’t get upset about Lyra eating her oats. Because Bon Bon knew that her lie of omission was so much greater. And the fact that she felt angry about not being able to be angry made the lump in her stomach even heavier.)
During the ceremony and the reception, the two of them had sat next to one another… at the distance they sat when they were just friends. It was the first time they hadn’t slightly leaned toward one another in fifteen months. Even though it was a difference of only a couple of inches, to Bon Bon, it felt like miles.
And the entire time, she knew it was coming. The inevitable conversation about her sudden revelation. How could she really enjoy the wedding when she knew what was going to happen once the festivities ended?
It had been an uncomfortable walk home. Mostly in silence. After so long together as a couple, they had taken plenty of walks in silence before. But in all of those other instances, it was because they were so comfortable with one another, they didn’t need to constantly talk. This time, the silence was because neither of them wanted to talk. It was a very different type of silence.
After a walk that felt much longer than the usual distance from town hall to their house, they finally reached the front door. Bon Bon let Lyra go in first, of course. Lyra walked into the living room and took her usual spot on the loveseat. She sat in her unconventional posture, her legs kicked out over the edge and her back firmly against the backrest. She only sat that way in two circumstances: When she was extremely content and relaxed or when she was extremely tense and needed to relax. It didn’t take a mind reader to know which was the case in this situation.
Bon Bon didn’t take her place on the other side of the loveseat. Instead, she sat on the floor near the center of the room, positioned at Lyra’s rear hooves. It gave Lyra the high ground, so to speak.
For a few seconds, neither of them said anything.
Finally, Bon Bon broke the silence. “Thank you for not bringing up my secret identity until we got home. I know you have a lot of questions.”
Lyra had a neutral look on her face. “Do you have answers?”
Bon Bon physically winced. That hurt. And she deserved it.
“Yes. I promise. Now that the cat’s out of the bag, there’s no point in hiding anything anymore. I swear that I will be completely honest with you.”
“Okay.” She nodded, an indication that she still took Bon Bon at her word. “To tell you the truth, I only have one question. So I’ll just ask it:”
Lyra looked directly at Bon Bon.
“Who are you, really?”
Bon Bon exhaled, then began. “I was born with the name Sweetie Drops. Everything that I’ve told you about my foalhood – that’s all true. I really am an only child, I really did move around a lot, my dad really does work for the Magical Imbalances department. And that night that I don’t like to relive… that happened, too. What I didn’t tell you is that as soon as I finished school, my dad didn’t just kick me out of the house. He forced me to enlist in the Royal Guard Support Corps.”
Lyra didn’t react. So Bon Bon continued.
“I was assigned to the anti-monster agency. Top secret. My parents didn’t even know I was there. That’s why I took it. You know how I’ve always been vague about what I did between school and moving to Ponyville? That’s what I was doing. Helping to capture monsters so they could be relocated.”
Lyra continued to listen.
“A few years after we captured it, the bugbear escaped. Before the agency’s existence could be exposed, they shuttered the whole thing and made us all take new identities. That’s when I changed my name from Sweetie Drops to Bon Bon and moved to Ponyville. I’ve technically been on the lookout for prolonged monster attacks since then, but I’ve never had to take action.
“The bugbear’s escape haunted me. I’ve never been able to forget it. But I couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t tell anypony. You know those nightmares I sometimes have? They aren’t actually about the ursa. They’re about that bugbear.”
Lyra still didn’t react.
“I meant what I said earlier. What we’ve had? Everything between you and me? It’s all been real. Every single moment of it. I might have had to take on a new name when I moved to Ponyville, but that was just my name. I’m still me. And I never faked my feelings for you. The only thing I didn’t tell you about was the agency and my original name. Everything else has been the complete truth.”
Lyra’s expression remained unreadable. It was the first time Bon Bon couldn’t read her marefriend’s face. It was extremely unnerving.
“Please say something. I know I deserve the silent treatment, but please… tell me what you’re thinking. Even if it’s bad. Please.”
Lyra closed her eyes for a moment. Finally, she opened them and spoke. Her words were quiet; her voice revealed an unmistakable sense of betrayal.
“I thought we knew everything about each other.”
Bon Bon stood up and spoke with conviction. “I wanted to tell you, Lyra. Believe me, it was tearing me apart inside that I couldn’t.” Her voice became heavy with fear and what she recognized was a misplaced sense of anger. “But they said that if I ever told anypony, it would be like committing treason. And not just for me – for the pony I told, too. I know I can trust you. It was never about that. I didn’t tell you because… I don’t know how it could happen, but if somepony ever found out that I told you… I couldn’t put you at risk like that. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if anything ever happened to you.”
Lyra matched Bon Bon’s angry tone with one of her own. “So why tell me now? Why not just make up another lie?”
“Because once the bugbear came here, I didn’t have a choice. I had to leave. I had to get away from you, so if it attacked me, it wouldn’t hurt you. You were going to ask why I was chasing after it, and I knew I didn’t have a good made-up reason. And if the bugbear killed me, better that you know the truth.”
Lyra’s angry expression was briefly replaced by shock. She swallowed. “…Killed you?”
“Its sting is lethal. Its claws are razor sharp. I don’t think the princess and her friends realized just how dangerous that thing was. It nearly killed two of my coworkers at the agency. When I captured it, it learned my scent. Today was my worst nightmare come true – I had no idea what I would be able to do to defeat it again. I really thought I was a dead mare. The only reason I didn’t say good-bye to you was because then it would have sunk in that that was my final good-bye. And if I let that get into my head, if I started thinking about that… I knew I wouldn’t have stood even the tiniest chance of surviving. I thought that if I said that I’d see you at the wedding, I could convince myself that everything would turn out okay. But honestly… deep down, I didn’t believe it.”
If nothing else, Bon Bon could read Lyra’s expression again.
“I know you’re angry that I didn’t tell you. You have every right to be. I just hope you can understand why I did it.”
“No,” Lyra said. “That’s not it. I was angry about that. But now I’m angry about something else.”
Bon Bon tilted her head slightly in confusion.
“If you thought that was going to be our final good-bye, then you should have let me know that was it.”
Bon Bon was momentarily stunned. It was the first time in a long while that Lyra’s response was something she wouldn’t have expected.
“Celestia forbid it happen anytime soon, but if we’re at the point where we’re saying good-bye to each other for the last time, I want to know it. It’ll destroy me inside, but not as much as it would if you were taken from me and I realized that my final good-bye didn’t let you know just how much I love you.”
Lyra looked away in an attempt to hide her tears. She tried to suppress it, but a choked sob came out anyway.
The sight of her marefriend crying brought tears to Bon Bon’s eyes. She wanted to step over and give Lyra a hug, but she genuinely wasn’t sure whether she should.
Instead, she spoke. Her tone was gentler now. “Lyra, I’m sorry. About everything. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m… I’m sorry I didn’t say good-bye. And I’m sorry that I didn’t even realize that I should have said it. I never wanted to hurt you.”
Bon Bon’s first instinct was to further explain herself. To defend herself. But as she looked at Lyra, she knew that it was the wrong thing to do. Instead, she just said again, “I’m sorry.” She really was. But even though she meant it from the bottom of her heart, saying the words didn’t make the guilt go away. She didn’t know whether the guilt would ever go away. She looked down at the floor and quietly said it again: “I’m sorry.”
Lyra wiped at her eyes with her foreleg. She turned to look at Bon Bon. “I know. I know why you did it. I just… it’s a lot to deal with.”
Bon Bon looked back up. “Should I… do you want me to go?” In truth, she didn’t know where she would go. But she knew that she had no right to assume she should stay.
“No!” Lyra said. Bon Bon hadn’t moved, but the word was strong enough to stop her in her tracks anyway. “We’re going to get through this. I still love you. I’m not going to stop loving you.”
Bon Bon didn’t understand how Lyra could still love her so readily, but she didn’t try to argue the point. “I love you too. Whatever you need, just tell me.”
“I need… I need to know… you said that everything between us was real. And that’s true? All of it?”
Bon Bon dared to step closer. “All of it. I fell in love with you. What my name was and what I did in the past had nothing to do with it. I would have fallen in love with you no matter what. And I am always going to love you.”
She looked into Lyra’s eyes. Once again, she could see what her marefriend was thinking. Lyra wanted to believe her. She just needed to be positive that Bon Bon was telling the truth.
Bon Bon slowly put her foreleg next to Lyra on the loveseat. Then her other foreleg. She slowly raised herself up. Lyra didn’t shrink back. In fact, she leaned forward a little bit.
So Bon Bon leaned in. Tenderly, she placed her lips on Lyra’s. And they kissed. No tongues, no hooves – just a simple, genuine kiss. A kiss with an earnestness that couldn’t be faked.
After a few seconds, they separated.
“Always,” Bon Bon said. “I promise.”
“I know,” Lyra said. Then, after a moment, “Now get up here.”
Lyra brought her foreleg down onto the other cushion of the loveseat. Bon Bon shifted her forelegs over and climbed up into her usual spot. As she did, Lyra changed her posture to sit like a pony again.
Uncertain of what else to say, Bon Bon once again told her, “I’m so sorry.”
“Okay, you’re going to need to stop apologizing so much.”
“But…”
“I know you’re sorry. We’re moving past that now. You don’t have to keep saying it.”
Bon Bon blinked. “…Really?”
“Yes, really. If you want me to forgive you, you have to forgive yourself, too.”
Bon Bon shook her head. “I don’t deserve you.”
“Yeah, well, tough. Because you’ve got me anyway. Now and forever.”
To prove her point, she leaned over and kissed Bon Bon on the cheek. In response, Bon Bon picked up Lyra’s front hoof and kissed it. “You really are the best marefriend in the world,” she said.
“And don’t you forget it,” Lyra replied. “So… should I call you Bon Bon or Sweetie Drops?”
There was no hesitation. “Bon Bon. And not just because it’s the name they told me to go by. I want to be Bon Bon. Every good thing that’s happened in my life has happened while I was Bon Bon.” She held Lyra’s hoof in hers. “Especially you.”
Lyra leaned over and nuzzled her marefriend. Bon Bon nuzzled her back. Together, they sat in the silence. The familiar, comfortable silence.
After a short while, Bon Bon observed, “Was that our first fight? After all this time?”
Lyra thought for a moment. “Yeah. I’m pretty sure it was.”
“…I didn’t like it.”
“Neither did I. Let’s never do it again.”
“Agreed.”
“So, what should we do to forget all about this?”
Bon Bon got a mischievous smile. “We should celebrate how strong our bond is. Oh, I know – there’re some imported oats that I’ve been saving for a special occasion. Those would taste really good right now.”
Using her magic, Lyra picked up a nearby throw pillow. With a smile on her face, she used it to hit Bon Bon upside the head.