> Fluttershy and the Janitor
>  by Unwhole Hole
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Chapter 1: Bipedal Walking, and also Talking
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was a fine day. Not an especially great day, or even one that was all that good. Had most people been asked how that particular day was- -if they were even able to recall it- -they would have replied with an emphatic “fine”. It was the sort of day late enough in the school year for the novelty of it to have worn off and for the summer to have become something of a distant memory, but not far enough yet that winter break and the associated Hearthswarming vacation could be reasonably hoped for. Half the days were chilly but not cold, and the other half were sweaty and excessively warm.

            Had it been a Friday, it probably would have been a good day. However, this particular day was a Monday. Throughout the town, the various students and teachers were begrudgingly returning to Canterlot High, whether in droves or otherwise.

            On the morning of this particularly fine day, three high-school girls were walking together on the way to morning classes: Rainbow Dash and Rarity, who lived relatively close to one another on the most mundane of possible cul-de-sacs, and Fluttershy, who lived somewhere in the undeveloped forests outside of town. Where she lived exactly was something of a mystery, and there were several rumors that she ordinarily rode a deer to school every day. These were, of course, false, as it was an elk (named Jeremy) and she did not in fact ride him every single day.

            Fluttershy, as per usual, was remaining relatively quiet, listening to her friends regaling her with the story of their weekend. Apparently, they had visited Cloudsdale- -Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash’s home town- -with Rarity’s father, who had been serving as a correspondent for the semifinals of the Cloudsdale Derby. Rainbow Dash was, of course, ecstatic, while Rarity appeared to have only found the whole situation bearable because of Rainbow Dash’s presence.

            “Oh!” said Rarity suddenly. She reached into her purse. “That reminds me! Fluttershy, I found something for you at the airport!”

            “For me?” Fluttershy was surprised. “Oh, Rarity, you didn’t have to get me anything!”

            “Nonsense, darling! You know how much I enjoy giving my friends things that I know they’ll simply adore!”

            “Oh, no,” said Rainbow Dash, rolling her eyes. “Rarity, I thought you were joking!”

            “I never joke about perfume, darling,” said Rarity. Rarity produced a rather elegant looking but very small crystal bottle.

            “Even if it smells funny? Because that one smells REAL funny.”

            “I’m not exactly a perfume kind of person,” said Fluttershy. “It irritates the animals. And my sinuses.”

            “Those animals are the problem. At least in this respect.”

            “I don’t understand.”

            “She means you smell like you have thirty cats.”

            “But I do have thirty cats.”

            “Yes. But you don’t need to smell like a zoo. Here.” Rarity spritzed some of the perfume into Fluttershy’s face. The effect was immediate. Her eyes began watering and she started choking on the profound smell of purified fancy.

            “My asthma,” squeaked Fluttershy.

            “It’s called ‘Flemish Innocence’,” said Rarity, smiling. “When I smelled it, I just couldn’t help but think of you!”

            “It’s…certainly…strong…”

            “That would be the musk.”

            Fluttershy’s eyes widened. “It had better be artificial musk,” she said. “Do you have any idea where musk comes from?”

            “Musk dear, I know.” Rarity shivered. “But there’s no need to worry. I would simply never buy a product that comes from deer, especially ones with…fangs.” Rarity’s shiver became a shudder.

            “Well…at least it’s environmentally considerate,” said Fluttershy, trying to smile through her now bloodshot eyes.

            “I told you she wouldn’t like it,” said Rainbow Dash. “I mean, come on! ‘Flemish Innocence’? It has ‘phlegm’ right in the name!”

            Rarity glowered. “Flemish, Rainbow Dash. Het is een regio in België!”

            “Those aren’t even real words! And besides, how good can it be? You bought it in a duty-free shop.”

            “Your point?”

            “Well, if they have to advertise that there isn’t any duty in it- -”

            “THAT ISN’T WHAT IT MEANS!” Rarity cleared her throat. “It refers to international taxes. You would know that if you paid attention in economics rather than painting your desk in drool.”

            “I can’t help it! It just comes out when I’m sleeping! Or looking at a big pile of beef stroganoff- -” She caught Fluttershy looking at her. “I- -I mean TOFU stroganoff.”

            “And I assure you,” said Rarity, seeming somewhat insulted by Rainbow Dash’s behavior. “My sense for scents is impeccable!”

            “So is mine! I smell awesome!”

            “Darling, body spray is not a substitute for showers.”

            “It doesn’t say that on the label!”

            “I can’t tell if you’re joking,” said Fluttershy, looking confused.

            “Unfortunately, she’s not,” said Rarity, rolling her eyes.

            “You’re just jealous! I’ve seen the commercials! Body spray attracts ALL the women! And the TV said it, so it must be true!”
            “Men, darling.”

            “What?”

            “Men. Your goal is to attract men.”

“You said ‘women’. You meant men.”

            Rainbow Dash’s eyes flitted to Fluttershy nervously, and then she laughed awkwardly. “Ha! Yeah! My bad! Men! I meant I wanted to attract MEN. Not girls. Why would I want girls attracted to me? That would be silly, Fluttershy!”

            “I didn’t say anything,” said Fluttershy, confused.

            “Oh, yeah. It’s because you’re so quiet, sometimes I can’t tell.”

            “Oh. I’m sorry.”

            “Don’t apologize,” said Rarity. “Frankly, Rainbow Dash, you could learn a thing or two from Fluttershy.”

            “About what? Animals?”

            “About being demure and alluring.”

            “I’m plenty alluring!” She looked to Fluttershy. “What does ‘alluring mean’?”

            “It means attractive,” said Rarity. “Why, I would be willing to bet every diamond currently on my person that Fluttershy will have a boyfriend before you!”

            “How many diamonds do you have on your person?” asked Fluttershy.

            “Darling, a girl can never have too many diamonds!”

            “But aren’t you afraid somebody will rob you?”

            Rarity’s pupils narrowed. “If somebody tries to separate my from jewelry, I will separate his head from his body.”

            “Fine,” said Rainbow Dash. “Sure. You know I can’t turn down a good bet.”

            “Because you’re a compulsive gambler?” asked Pinkie Pie.

            The entire group screamed and jumped back. Fluttershy, of course, produced an adorable squeak instead of an outright scream.

            “PINKIE!” cried Rarity, putting her hand on her chest to steady her racing heart as soon as she realized exactly who had managed to surprise them so badly. “Where did you come from?”

            “A consummation ritual at the base of the Choosing Stone,” said Pinkie matter-of-factly. “It’s actually a pretty cool ritual. Unless you’re the mop guy.” She shuddered. “I do NOT envy him.”

            “Don’t sneak up on us like that!” cried Rainbow Dash. “I’m pretty sure you made Fluttershy pee!”

            “A little,” admitted Fluttershy.

            “Oh come on,” said Pinkie Pie. “Who hasn’t made Fluttershy pee? The real question is, did I pee?”

            “Did you?”

            “That’s for me to know and you to find out.”

            Rarity was partially regaining her composure. “Pinkie, don’t you ordinarily ride the bus?”

            “And live on the opposite side of town?”

            “Yes to both. But I got banned.”

            “How do you get banned from riding the bus?”

            Pinkie Pie leaned in close. There was a long silence as she looked around, suspicious of anything and everything. Then she whispered. “Silly string…”
> Chapter 2: Call him the Janitor
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The three of them proceeded to school. Few students were there, as they had mutually decided to arrive early to attempt to get in some band practice before first period. Only a few sleepy looking students- -and a few equally sleepy looking teachers- -were meandering into the building.

            As the group approached the front of Canterlot High, a pickup truck pulled up. It was belching at least three different colors of smoke, and from the sound of it at least one cylinder was gone, the brakes were bad, and the muffler had fallen off at least three hundred thousand miles earlier. When it stopped, the squeaking was so high in pitch that only Fluttershy could hear it.

            Rainbow Dash approached the cab. “Hey Big Mac!” she said, waving. “Did you finally fix the frame?”

            “Eeyup!” he smiled and pointed to an area of the truck where the outer surface had corroded away, revealing the truck’s frame beneath. It had indeed been repaired- -with two-by fours.

            There was a thump from the rear of the truck as Applejack and Applebloom jumped out of the bed. Applebloom looked extremely groggily.

            “I don’t see why I have to be here early too,” she muttered. “I was having the best dream…Scootaloo was in it…”

            “Now Applebloom, I won’t be having you havin’ Scootaloo dreams. It just isn’t wholesome. And I already told you, the bus doesn’t go out to Sweet Apple Acres anymore. It’s completely shot. Something about silly string.”

            Applebloom groaned, and Applejack pounded on the truck’s exterior, causing a substantial portion of it to crumble into rust. “Let’s go, Big Mac! If you want to flirt with Rainbow you can do  it AFTER you get to the harvest!”

            Big Mac shuddered. “Eeyup,” he said, grinding what was left of his truck’s transmission as he put it into gear and sped off.

            “Aww,” said Rainbow Dash. “I wanted to see more of Big Mac’s wood!”

            “Trust me, you’re not missin’ anything,” muttered Applejack.

            Applejack greeted and joined her friends while Applebloom wandered off to fall asleep in a pile of leafs somewhere, as farm folk were want to do.

            “Big Mac certainly looks nice today,” said Rarity.

            “Looks nice as he ever does, I suppose,” said Applejack, shrugging. An expression of realization crossed her face. “Why?”

            “No reason,” said Rarity, crossing her hands behind her back. “Although I do have to admit that he is a…straping specimen.”

            “My brother ain’t no specimen.”

            “You ain’t allowed to say ‘ain’t’,” said Pinkie Pie. “It promotes bad grammar.”

            “My point still stands.”

            “I’m more interested in whether Big Macintosh’s point stands,” said Rarity, grinning and looking over her shoulder at the still-clearing plume of smoke from Big Mac’s truck.

            Applajack glared, and Fluttershy intervened.

            “How did the sheering go?” she asked.

            “It went fine,” said Applejack.

            “I heard it got real hairy,” said Pinkie Pie, inducing groans from the others.

            “It kind of did, though,” sighed Applejack. “Had to do the whole thing myself. I don’t know why, but the sheep are absolutely terrified of Big Mac.”

            “So you will have the wool on time?” asked Rarity.

            “Big Mac will take your order to your house later today.” Rarity began to smile. “BEFORE you get out of class for the day,” noted Applejack. She sighed again. “But hoo boy, that was a tough job.”

            “Would you say,” said Pinkie Pie, “that getting it done was sheer luck?”

            There were more groans as the group finally reached the new glass door to the school. It had only been reinstalled twice in the last year after its repeated destruction by magical calamity.

            They opened the door and nearly ran into Twilight. Twilight jumped back at the sudden sight of them, her glasses nearly falling off in the process.

            “Twilight!” said Rainbow Dash, punching her friend in the arm. Twilight winced. “I was wondering where you were!”

            “Indeed,” said Rarity, looking around the empty foyer of the school. “You certainly got here early.”

            “Early?” Twilight blinked, and then checked her calculator watch. “Oh. No. Not really. I actually stayed overnight. I had some work to finish. Timepoints and all.”

            The others looked at each other. “You do know it’s Monday, right?” asked Applejack.

            “And it was a three-day weekend,” noted Fluttershy.

            Twilight blinked again, and then smiled sheepishly. “I guess I had a lot of things to get done, then?”

            Fluttershy looked around. “Where is Spike? Or is it too early for him too?”

            “Oh, no, he’s just not here right now,” said Twilight. She adjusted her glasses. “Actually, he’s off with Sunset. She’s not coming in today.”

            “I certainly hope nothing is wrong,” said Rarity.

            “I don’t think so. Or maybe food poisoning. But not the kind that kills you.” Twilight shrugged. “Or maybe something to do with the magical surges I’ve been detecting lately.”

            Twilight continued to talk about her research into magical fields. To the others, though, it came across as pleasant-sounding babble. They had long since learned not to listen too hard to Twilight when she was speaking in jargon.

            They proceeded to the seemingly endless halls of lockers that lined the walls of Canterlot High. Of all of them, only Fluttershy’s locker was on the first floor, so that was where they stopped first. It was also important for Fluttershy to check on the colony of bats that had taken up residence there, as well as the marmot that tended to live in the lower half of the locker during the daytime.

            As Twilight continued to babble and Fluttershy kissed each of her bats gently on the cheek, her locker-neighbor approached from down one of the long halls. Fluttershy’s locker neighbor was a gray-skinned amblyopic girl. Nobody really knew her name, exactly. In fact, it was highly unlikely that she knew her own name.

            “Derpy!” called Rainbow Dash. “How was your weekend?”

            “Not so good,” admitted the gray girl. “I’ve been trying to find my locker since last Tuesday.” She looked toward the locker. “Oh. There it is. Now I can finally go home- -”

            The locker was opened suddenly and forcefully. It struck Derpy in the face, knocking her back. The group of girls on the other side cried out in surprise, as it was quite clear to them that the locker had been opened form the inside.

            Then a man stepped out. He was clad completely in a blue jumpsuit, and quite clearly too old to be a student. His hair was long and gray, and he had a long and unkempt beard that sprouted from his lower chin and hung down over his grease-stained collar. As he stepped out of the locker which by any reasonable standard should have been vastly too small for him, it became apparent that he was eating something.

            “Boysenberry,” he said, dropping the wrapper of the muffin he had just eaten onto Derpy’s face. “A little to dry. And yeasty. I don’t like them with yeast.”

            “My…my muffins…” whined Derpy, her eyes growing wide when she realized that this man had decimated her entire stock.

            “Hey!” said Rainbow Dash, stepping forward. “Who the buck are you?”

            For the first time, the man seemed to realize that there was a group of girls standing next to him. His strangely red eyes darted from one to the other before settling on Fluttershy. “Oh my,” he said as a strange grin began to cross his face.

            “This is a school!” said Rainbow Dash. “That means no trespassing! Get out before we throw you out!”

            “Trespassing?” the man feigned dramatic insult. “You wound me, dear blue girl! Such insult! Such depravity!”

            “I’m going to call the office,” said Twilight.

            “Don’t bother,” said the man, suddenly leaning forward. He was tall, and seemed to loom over them. He reached for the nametag on his jumpsuit and pulled it forward, showing all of them.

            “Bob?” read Rarity, recoiling at the very thought of being near a jumpsuit of any kind.

            The man looked down at the nametag. “Oh. Yes. Well. She had the job before I did.” He shrugged. “You have no idea how hard it was to get her out of the suit.” He paused. “No, I take that back. Getting her nude was pretty easy. Not getting any part of my body bitten off was the hard part!” He laughed hard, nearly keeling over in the process.

            “Job?” said Fluttershy.

            “Why, aren’t you just the most adorable thing?” said the man, leaning in and putting his arm around her. He tapped her pink hair with his free finger. “Pink hair, pastel skin, and…” He smelled her hair deeply, and a sadistic grin crossed his face. “…and you smell like pure Innocence.”

            Applejack forcibly removed the man’s hand from Fluttershy. “You didn’t exactly say who you are, stranger. And I’ve still got a mind to see if I trust you as far as I can throw you.”

            “Who am I?” the man bowed deeply. “My name is Darius Schlootenbergerhuegenstandarkotenopolis D. Kord. Or D.S. Kord. Or Discord, if you like.” He looked up and grinned. For some reason his eyes did not leave Fluttershy.

            Fluttershy seemed to consider for a moment. “D…S…” she frowned. “But where’s the ‘D’?”

            Discord leaned in extremely close and laughed. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

            “You’re the new janitor,” said Pinkie, who was currently cramming Derpy’s few remaining muffins into her mouth as she kneeled in front of the still open locker. “You know, because the last one kept trying to eat students!”

            “Janitor!” cried Discord. “Why, I am a custodial engineer! An artist! A bastion of light in a land of crusts and unidentifiable stains! In fact, I have three PhD’s in the janitorial sciences!”

            “Why would you have three PhDs in the same subject?” asked Twilight. “Wouldn’t you just get a postdoc position?”

            “More to the point,” said Applejack. “None of those things are real.”

            “I’m more interested in how you fit in the locker,” said Twilight, eyeing the tiny gap. “And why.”

            “Why? Why, why else! Where is a janitor supposed to sleep?” Discord reached into the locker and removed a mop bucket, complete with a mop, a broom, and a bucket filled with filthy high school mop water.

            “How did you- -but the width- -”

            Discord leaned close to Fluttershy, ignoring Twilight. “It’s actually something of a specialty of mine,” he said.

            “Specialty?”

            “Yes. Fitting very large things into tiny, tight little holes.” He chuckled, not once taking his eyes off of Fluttershy. “I can show you, if you like.” He grasped her arm. “In fact, I can give you a personal tour of my janitor’s closet.”

            “Oh,” said Fluttershy. “I’m sorry. I need to practice in our band. I play the tambourine. Maybe after class?”

            “Oh, I promise, it won’t take longer than a few minutes! And I do believe you will just adore it…yes…you’ll leave feeling quite satisfied indeed…heh heh heh…”

            “Excuse me!” cried Rarity, angrily tugging at Fluttershy’s free arm. “Get your hands off of her!”

            “Yeah!” shouted Rainbow Dash, also grabbing her arm. “The only one who takes Fluttershy in the closet is ME!”

            “Takes her? How vulgar,” said Discord. “I wasn’t taking her anywhere. I don’t operate that way. She was going to come quite willingly.”

            “Please don’t pull me!” squeaked Fluttershy. “I bruise easily!”

            “Oh, my apologies,” said Discord, releasing her.

            Discord was surprisingly strong, and when he released her Fluttershy reeled forward into Rarity and Rainbow Dash. Rarity promptly fell outright, but Rainbow Dash was agile enough to maintain her balance, knocking Fluttershy back in the process. Fluttershy took several steps back, pinwheeling her amrs, and promptly fell to the ground. As she did, she knocked over Discord’s mop bucket, promptly covering her head and upper body entirely with the dirty gray water.

            Fluttershy coughed. The water did not taste good at all, but it did taste like what she had expected janitor’s mop water to taste like. She was comforted by the lack of surprise. Still, it was quite unpleasant.

With a groan, she wiped her eyes and her formerly perfectly clean pink hair away from her face. When she looked up, all of her friends- -and Discord- -were staring at her wide eyed.

            “Wh…why are you looking at me like that?”

            They did not answer, but all of their eyes suddenly moved from Fluttershy’s face. They focused on something slightly lower. Fluttershy, now quite soaked, looked down. In that moment, she realized something that she had never considered before: it was perhaps not her best idea to go braless when she was wearing a tight, all-white shirt.
> Chapter 3: More Talking
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The group had promptly retired to the nearest empty classroom. The reactions among the various members varied, but it was clear that Rarity was among the most offended. She was positively fuming.

            “That pervert!” she cried. “That despicable loathsome lecher!” She had grown so angry that her ordinarily ghostlike complexion had actually begun to redden. “That- -that- -Die haringe kont!”

            Pinkie Pie gasped so hard that she nearly inhaled a chalkboard eraser that she had been holding. “RARITY!” she cried. “You can’t use language like that!”

            “It means ‘butt’,” said Twilight. “In Dutch.”

            “Wait a second,” said Applejack. “Since when do you know Dutch?”

            “Since second grade,” said Twilight. “Why?”

            “He did that on purpose!” cried Rarity, her voice rising shrilly as she ignored those around her. She  removed her own sweater and slammed it down on Fluttershy so hard that Fluttershy was forced to gasp from the force.

            “Rarity,” said Fluttershy, “no he didn’t. It was an accident. I slipped.”

            “Don’t tell me what I saw, Fluttershy! I saw him push you into the water, knowing that you would get wet and that you were…well…you know…”

            “As braless as Rainbow Dash?” suggested Applejack.

            “Hey!” cried Rainbow Dash. “I wear a bra!” Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Sometimes…” Applejack continued to stare. “Alright, so I don’t! But I would if they made any in my size!” She turned to Rarity in a huff. “But I agree with Rarity! That perv totally knew what he was doing!”

            “He did not,” said Fluttershy, attempting to be as assertive as possible. “It was an accident. And he apologized. And he was even being so nice before that.”

            Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash stared at Fluttershy in shock. Pinkie Pie would have as well, but she was trying to find the chalkboard eraser she had just been holding and had a distinct suspicion that she may have eaten all or part of it.

            “Nice?” said Applejack. “Fluttershy, I don’t think ‘nice’ is the right word.”

            “But he wanted to show me his work,” said Fluttershy. “And he seemed so very proud of it.”

            “Um, that’s not what he was trying to do,” said Rainbow Dash.

            “Then what was he trying to do?”

            None of them answered, as none of them wanted to crush Fluttershy’s adorable naïveté.

            “What I can’t figure out,” said Twilight, “is why he was sleeping in a locker. I mean, if he also has a janitor’s closet, why wasn’t he in there?”

            “Really?” asked Applejack. “Everything that just happened, and THAT’S what you’re thinkin’ about?”

            “I’m thinking about several things, but that’s one of them, yes. I don’t know. I wasn’t really paying much attention to the whole exchange.”

            “Well I really would have liked to see the closet,” sighed Fluttershy. “He seemed so eager to show me something.”

            “I know,” grumbled Rarity. “It’s just a matter of what, exactly, he wanted to show you.”

            “Don’t worry about it, Fluttershy,” said Pinkie Pie. “Just ask Rainbow Dash, and she’ll show you what it’s like to be in the closet!” Rainbow Dash glared, and proceeded to chase Pinkie Pie around the room.

            “Well, maybe after class I can- -”

            “NO!” cried Rarity. She had called out with such vigor that Rainbow Dash stopped chasing Pinkie Pie and Pinkie Pie jumped hard enough to knock at least six chalkboard erasers out of her hair.

            “Oh…that’s where it went,” she said. “I’ve never been so glad I didn’t eat something before.”

            “Fluttershy!” continued Rarity, holding onto the girl’s shoulders. “You must NOT go with him, or do anything with him! You need to stay away from him no matter what!”

            “But why?” Fluttershy stared up with eyes filled with girlish innocence.

            “She…he…um…because he’s just a bad person!”

            “I don’t know,” said Pinkie Pie, flopping over a desk. “If I was Fluttershy, I’d think about taking him up on the offer. I mean, did you see that epic beard? I bet he knows how to party hard! With the operant word being ‘HARD’!”

            “Pinkie! I’m trying to prevent something terrible from befalling poor Fluttershy!”

            “What sort of terrible thing? Oh my!” Fluttershy pulled her arms close to her chest. “I just hate when terrible things befall me! Or anyone for that matter!”

            “It doesn’t matter,” said Rarity. “Just stay away from him, and evertything will be okay.” She reached out and straightened the white sweater that she had loaned Fluttershy. As she did, Rarity suddenly sniffed. She leaned forward and sniffed Fluttershy.

            “Five bucks on vanilla,” said Pinkie Pie.

            “Ten for strawberry!” retorted Rainbow Dash.

            “Ugh. Darling, the first thing you need to do when you get home is to wash that horrid residue off you. You smell like a mop. But for the time being…” Rarity produced the bottle of Flemish Innocence perfume that she had gotten Fluttershy. “Take this with you, won’t you?”
> Chapter 4: In the Pooper
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

School was as uneventful as always. The various members of Fluttershy’s friend group went their separate ways to their first period classes: Rainbow Dash and Applejack to morning woodshop, where numerous jokes would be shared concerning the word “wood”; Rarity to Advanced French Literature, where she would no doubt spend most of her time staring at the young man sitting beside her and his especially fancy pants; and Pinkie Pie went to first period study hall, or, as she called it, “sleepy-time-on-cafeteria-table-look-I’m-what’s-for-lunch class”. No one was sure where Twilight went, because as far as any of them could tell she did not actually take any classes.

            Fluttershy’s first period class was geometry. Under normal circumstances, Sunset would have been taking it with her; they usually sat together, with Fluttershy near the window so that she could spend the majority of her time looking out the window at various types of birds.

            On this day, though, there were few birds who wanted to come to the window who wanted to come to sing. Fluttershy did not mind, as birds were awfully busy creatures and likely had important jobs to do. She was not quite in the mood for happy songs either. For some reason, her mind kept coming back to the janitor she had met earlier. Her friends had not liked him- -she did not understand why- -but, as much as she did not want to admit it, she had possessed no strong feelings either way.

            There had been a look in his eyes, though. She had not recognized it at first, but the more she thought about it, the clearer it became to her. It was the same look that Sunset’s eyes sometimes had when she stared at the statue in the center of the school’s front courtyard, or when she looked out on distant fields of galloping horses. It was a look of terrible loneliness and a special kind of deep sadness that Fluttershy knew she had no way to fully comprehend. Thinking about it, though, made her feel sad too.

            This feeling persisted throughout the day. In fact, by the time lunch started to approach it had grown. Fluttershy barely even felt hungry, and could not stop thinking about how sad Discords smile had seemed.

            Fluttershy had chemistry lab immediately before lunch on Mondays. Her lab partner, of all people, was Applejack’s younger sister Applebloom, who was apparently as advanced at chemistry as Fluttershy was behind. This, of course, suited Fluttershy well, as she had babysat Applebloom at several points despite the fact that they were only three years different in age.

            In this case, Applebloom had taken the lead on the project and was performing it herself. In her distracted state, Fluttershy had let her run the project completely. Applebloom hardly seemed to notice.

            “This next reaction,” said the teacher, leaning over her desk and running a hand through her bristly two-tone Mohawk, “if preformed well should smell of fresh cut grass. If done wrong, though, it will smell like a boiled- -”

            “Ms. Zecora?” Fluttershy raised her hand. “I don’t feel so well. Is it okay if I go for a walk?”

            Zecora looked at her for a moment, and then smiled. “The ventilation is indeed poor in these rooms,” she said. “I believe you may be choking on the fumes.”

            “I guess,” liked Fluttershy meekly.

            “Then go for a walk, my dear Fluttershy. It would be terrible if I had another student die.”

            “What?” said one of the students, looking up for his work.

            “Just a little joke,” said Zecora as Fluttershy stood up. “And what will happen to you if your reaction starts to smoke.” Zecora turned to her students. “Now, for this next part, all my best students have ducked. Because if the reagent gets on you, you are totally- -”

            Fluttershy closed the door and started walking. Rarity’s sweater felt warm and pleasant against her body, although wearing a sweater without anything under it was indeed a strange feeling. It was something akin to wearing a skirt to school without underwear, which was a thought that literally gave Fluttershy nightmares. Of course, most things gave her nightmares.

            So, as she often did, Fluttershy found herself wandering the empty hallways of the school. This was normally looked down upon as it produced a distraction for the other students, but Fluttershy could get away with it because she was remarkably quiet. Also, for some reason, teachers and the ruling pair of principals had difficulty punishing her.

            After a few minutes of walking, Fluttershy decided to stop in the bathroom. Normally, she would just wait there and hold court with the silverfish that lived under the sinks. She had named all four hundred eighty six of them the week before, and knowing silverfish there would be a great deal of naming that needed to be done in the near future.

            When she reached the bathroom, though, Fluttershy found a set of distinctive yellow signs sitting out front of it, each one marked with the black silhouette image of some poor fool slipping and falling. Those signs always made Fluttershy feel bad for the silhouette man; he just looked so pitiful.

            “I guess I’ll have to come back later,” she said to herself.

            As she turned, though, the door creaked open and a pair of red eyes stared out from the gap. Fluttershy turned and let out a panicked squeak as a broad smile formed beneath the eyes, with one especially long tooth glimmering in the harsh bathroom-light.

            “M- -Mr. Discord,” said Fluttershy, now shaking. Rarity’s words came back to her, and she found herself wondering if she was doing something wrong.

            “Mr.?” said Discord, opening the door fully. He laughed heartily. “My dear…what was your name again?”

            “Fluttershy.”

            “My dear Fluttershy, I’m not a teacher! Which means you and I don’t have any sort of student-teacher relationship that would make things difficult! Discord alone is fine. But Discord with someone like you is even better.”

            Fluttershy smiled. “I’m sorry.” She looked past Discord into the bathroom. “What are you doing there?”

            “Do you want to come in and see?”

            “Oh,” said Fluttershy. “No, I don’t want to get in the way.”

            “Get in the way?” Discord laughed again. There was a strange tone in his laughter. “Oh, no, you won’t get in the way at all! In fact…” He rubbed his gloved hands together. “I think there’s something you can help me with.”

            “Me?”

            “Oh yes! I think a girl like you would be perfect!” He paused, stroking his beard. “I mean, I certainly could do it myself. I usually do, every day at about this time…heh heh…but it would be SO much easier if you could help me with it…”

            “Help you with what exactly?” Fluttershy cowered. “It’s not scary, is it?”

            “Oh, it might be a little scary at first, but trust me. It’s not nearly so bad once you get used to it.” He gestured toward the door. “Come with me, Fluttershy. And I’ll show you how to do something I’m absolutely positive you’ve never even thought about doing before…”

            He retreated into the bathroom. Fluttershy looked around and found that the halls were entirely empty. Everyone was at class. Rarity’s words once again occurred to Fluttershy, and she paused for a moment, but then dismissed them. Discord seemed unusually excited, and Fluttershy did not want to disappoint him. After all, he seemed so nice.

            She entered the girl’s bathroom, and the door closed behind her, only to open slightly one last time as a gloved hand put a sign on the front that read “OUT OF ORDER: Do not enter!”.



            Almost as soon as Fluttershy had entered, Rarity and Rainbow Dash turned the nearest corner.

            “Aww,” groaned Rainbow Dash. “Come on, Rarity! Why do I have to come too! I don’t even need to go!”

            “But I do,” said Rarity. “And we are ladies after all. Well, at least I am. And ladies simply do not go to the powder room alone.”

            “Powder room? What in the name of Celestia’s shiny butt are you powdering?” Rainbow Dash paused. “On second thought, I’m not sure I want to know.”

            “It means ‘restroom’.”

            “I just call it the pooper.”

            “Ah,” said Rarity, making a look of disgust. “You would.”

            Rainbow Dash groaned again. “I’m not going to hold your hand, you know that, right?”
            “Nor would I expect you to. That would make this far too awkward.”

            “It’s already awkward! And gross! I mean, just because you go around acting like your turds don’t stink doesn’t mean they, you know, don’t.”

            Rarity gasped. “Rainbow Dash! Must you be so vulgar? My word!”

            “It’s not vulgar. Everyone poops.”

            “A proper lady does not,” maintained Rarity. “A proper lady is graceful, beautiful, elegant, and - -EEK!”

            Rarity had tripped over one of the wet floor signs outside the bathroom and tumbled onto the linoleum floor.

            “Oww! My beautiful perfect white skin! I’ve been bruised!” Rarity rolled over in pain. “Who in their right mind would put wet floor signs outside of the bathroom?!”

            “The signs says it’s out of order.” Rainbow Dash pointed at Discord’s sign.

            “Out of order! Well then we need to get downstairs fast! It’s already almost noon, and if I don’t get to a toilet quickly, I’ll- -”

            “You’ll what?”

            Rarity cleared her throat and stood up, dusting herself off. “I’ll…I’ll not be powdered properly.”

            The two of them started walking away from the bathroom when a high and feminine voice stopped them.

            “D- -Discord!” cried Fluttershy, her voice muffled through the door. “What- -what is that?!”

            “Oh, don’t worry,” said Discord in a low voice, chuckling as he did. “I promise I’ll show you how to use it…”

            “Is…is it supposed to be that long?”

            “Oh, my dear Fluttershy. You’ll be wishing it were longer in a few seconds.” He paused. “Go ahead grab onto it.”

            “But I- -I don’t want to…”

            “Just do it!”

            “Oh- -okay…”

            “Yes, yes,” groaned Discord. “See? You’re already a natural! Now start moving it up and down.”

            “Like…this?” Fluttershy sounded extremely stressed.

            “Oh, yes, just like that! That’s PERFECT!”

            “I…I’ve never done this before,” whined Fluttershy. “I don’t know if I want to…”

            “Of course, of course. Here. Let me put it in.”

            Fluttershy suddenly cried out. “No! Discord, STOP! You can’t! It’s too big, it won’t- -!”

            There was a wet sound, and Fluttershy suddenly cried out. “NOO!” she cried.

            “Oh YES!” cried Discord. The wet sound happened again and again, producing a repetitive squelching. “There we GO!”

            “Discord, stop- -oh my Celestia, this is so GROSS! I can’t- -I can’t- -Please! Please Discord, stop!”

            “It’s too late now, Fluttershy! I’m already in! And we’re going until I’m finished!”

            “But- -”

            “You can just stand there like that if you want, or you can help me!”

            “I- -I- -” Fluttershy suddenly groaned loudly, and the sound of wet squelching accelerated.

            “That’s it!” cried Discord. “Just like that! YES! It’s almost there! You’re doing perfect!”

            There was a sound that sounded something like crying, and unintelligible muffled muttering from Fluttershy.

            “Yeah!” cried Discord. “Go down, just like that! Go down! GO DOWN you little- -”

            “DISCORD!” cried Fluttershy suddenly. “I don’t know if I can- -OHHH!”

            The wet squelching stopped suddenly and without warning. Everything suddenly went quiet, but Rainbow Dash could hear heavy breathing from two individuals on the other side of the door. It augmented her own. She looked over at Rarity, who was standing absolutely dumbfounded and unable to move.

            “They…he…they didn’t,” said Rarity.

            “I think they just did,” said Rainbow Dash. “I mean, what else could that have been? You heard it to!”

            “I would give every jewel I own to unheard it,” moaned Rarity.

            “Yeah,” said Rainbow Dash. “Me too…” She swore softly. “I mean, in the pooper too!”

            “He put it in her- -in her- -” Rarity promptly fainted. Rainbow Dash almost managed to catch her before she flopped onto the floor.



            As Rainbow Dash hauled Rarity off, Fluttershy and Discord were standing side by side in the lady’s restroom. Both were indeed breathing hard, and both were sweating profusely. Both of them were also soaked. In her hands, Fluttershy was holding Discords’ toilet plunger. Gingerly, Discord stepped forward. He put one finger on the flush handle of the now freshly unclogged toilet before them and tapped it gently. It roared with life, flushing itself perfectly.

            “Perfect,” said Discord, smiling. He clapped. “Bravo, my dear Fluttershy!”

            “Was I really that impressive?”

            “Oh my, more than impressive! Brilliant! A prodigy, even! Why, I hardly think I could have done a better job myself!”

            “It’s only because we worked together to get the job done.”

            “I think most of the credit goes to you. You are, indeed, a natural. In fact, you have the potential to be a professional!”

            Fluttershy blushed and gave him back the wooden-handled plunger that suddenly felt so natural in her hands whereas before it had felt completely alien. “That may have been the grossest thing I’ve ever done, though. But…oddly satisfying.”

            “Ha!” laughed Discord sarcastically. “If you think that was a bad situation, you should see it an hour after Taco Tuesday.” He shuddered violently. “Five times the size. I have nightmares.”

            “Well, I’m just glad I could help.”

            “So am I.” Discord picked up a mop and began to swab the area around the toilet. “This was certainly a job for two people. If you had not come by, I would have been stuck here all day, and I still have so much to do!”

            “I’m happy to help,” said Fluttershy. “But aren’t there more janitors? I mean, you’re not alone, are you?”

            Discord sighed, and his eyes took on the distant and sad look that they had held previously. “No, I’m afraid. Budget limitations and all. It’s just me. All alone.” He sighed again, this time more deeply. “But that’s the life of a janitor. That’s how it’s always been. I suppose I should be happy, shouldn’t I? I didn’t always have a job this fancy. Once I was the Choosing Stone mop boy.” Discord shuddered so violently that he nearly spilled his mopwater, or what remained of it after the better half of it had gone onto Fluttershy earlier. “If you think unclogging a high school toilet is bad, you have seen NOTHING like that altar.”

            “I can only imagine.”

            “Don’t. It’s not something for girls like you to think about. But even then, that wasn’t the worst part.”

            “Then what was?”

            Discord paused for a long time. “Just…there’s no one to help. But it’s not just the help. Just as a janitor…I don’t know. I guess I’m always alone.” He looked Fluttershy in the eye. “Nobody’s ever helped me before like you just did. Nobody at all.”

            “That’s so sad!” cried Fluttershy. “Well, that just isn’t right! If you need help, you need to ask! And me, I’m glad I could help.”

            “Really?”

            “Really!”

            Discord smiled. It was not the fake joking smiles he normally used, but a real one. “Thank you,” he said. Fluttershy saw him blot a tear from one eye. “Oh my, it looks like I got some toilet water in my eye. Dear me.”

            “I kind of got it all over me,” said Fluttershy. She sighed. “And this was Rarity’s favorite sweater.”

            “Not a problem, not a problem at all!” said Discord. “You can give me your clothes! I’m in charge of the school’s laundry. It’s usually just uniforms and such, but I am an expert in both wet and dry cleaning, and a third kind that I like to keep secret.”

            “Oh, but I don’t want to be a bother.”

            “It’s the least I can do! And besides, I simply adore that skirt. It would be a shame if I let the stains sink in. You helped me, so I will help you.”

            “That is what friends do.”

            Discord’s eyes widened. “F…friends?”

            “We just unclogged a toilet together,” said Fluttershy. She laughed. “What else would we be?”

            Discord smiled even more widely than before. “I’ve never had a friend before.”

            “I’ll leave them at the laundry office and change into my gym clothes,” said Fluttershy. She headed for the door. “And thank you for showing me how to do that! Now I know!”

            “You’re certainly welcome, dear Fluttershy!”

            “I’ll see you later! I need to change before Rarity’s sweater shrinks!”

            “Then hurry like the wind!” Discord waved as Fluttershy left. He watched her go, and smiled to himself. For the first time in a long time, he whistled as he continued to clean the restroom. One of the worst clogs he had seen in the better half of the last year had been averted, and he felt happy for the first time in a long time. Today was a good day, and Fluttershy was indeed a good girl.
> Chapter 5: A Gaggle of Idiots
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fluttershy paused for a moment, adjusting the glossy shorts and gray shirt that were her standard gym clothes. They were of course adequate as clothes for the sake of being clothing, but they were more scratchy and uncomfortable than the soft skirts she was accustomed to. Making it worse was the fact that she was not wearing anything at all underneath them, which was both scratchy and slightly embarrassing.

            As Discord had suggested, Fluttershy had brought her wet clothing to the laundry office. She was dismayed to see just how much laundry had piled up. There were uniforms of every sort, tablecloths, linens, towels from the pool, and several of Celestia’s shirts. The amount of work to do seemed positively mountainous, and Discord would have to do it all. Fluttershy was actually somewhat ashamed to put her own clothes- -neatly folded, of course- -in the waiting piles. She might even not have done it had she not wanted to end up ruining Rarity’s favorite sweater, which she had been wearing at the time of the unclogging.

            After this, she proceeded to the music room where her group had likely congregated during their free period. She was humming and felt relatively good, but could not possibly have been aware of how events were unfolding beyond her perception. Rarity had regained consciousness, and while Fluttershy had been changing both Rainbow Dash and Rarity had relayed what they had heard to the others. Of course, in reality, no aspects of impropriety had occurred; Fluttershy had simply assisted the school janitor in assuaging an unruly commode. The sounds produced in doing so, however, had produced an entirely different image in the heads of her friends, and they had understandably grown at least slightly concerned.

            So, due to her innate naiveté and innocence, Fluttershy had no idea why her friends suddenly hushed as she entered the music room, or why they all suddenly started staring at her.

            “Um…why are you all looking at me like that?” Fluttershy put her hand to her cheek. “Is there something on my face?”

            Applejack shuddered hard. “Oh double-slapped Celestia’s rump I hope not,” she said.

            Fluttershy was about to ask what that meant when Rarity’s hands clasped her upper arms.

            “Fluttershy!” she cried, nearly screaming.

            “Ow, Rarity, not so tight! You’ll leave marks!”

            “My marks are the least of your concern! You- -you- -” There were tears in her eyes, and Fluttershy wondered just what was wrong. “You- -and that filthy janitor- -he didn’t- -did you- -”

            Fluttershy at this point was utterly baffled. “You mean Discord?”

            Rarity nodded, unable to speak.

            “We heard you with him in the bathroom,” said Rainbow Dash. She was staring angrily, her arms crossed as she leaned against the wall. Fluttershy had rarely seen her oldest friend like that, and she instantly knew that something must not be right. “We know what you were doing!”

            Fluttershy blushed. “Oh. You heard that.”

            “What she was doing?!” cried Rarity. “You mean what he was doing TO her!”

            “I don’t understand,” said Fluttershy. “Is something wrong?”

            Rarity turned to her sharply. “Fluttershy…I have to know…please…did that filthy pervert…did he…”

            “Did he what?”

            Rarity released Fluttershy. “Did he…did he take your innocence?”

            Fluttershy was confused for a moment, and her hand went reflectively toward her pocket. Only then did she realize that her perfume- -a bottle of Flemish Innocence- -had remained in her skirt pocket in the laundry room.

            “Oh,” she said. “Yes. I guess he did.”

            Rarity swooned, and Rainbow Dash swore loudly with a word that Fluttershy did not understand. Applejack became pale. Twilight just looked confused, clearly not fully comprehending a definition, and Pinkie Pie, looking terrified, was taking notes.

            “That…that monster!” said Rarity.

            “He’s not a monster,” snapped Fluttershy, surprised at her sudden change in tone. The tension of the room was getting to her.

            “But he forced you- -”

            “He did. At first, I told him to stop. But he didn’t. And do you know what? I’m glad. I learned something I never would have been able to learn on my own, and do you know what? I actually think I liked it. At least after we finished. Because it was horrible at first.” Fluttershy sighed, glad that she had finally managed to show some level of assertiveness.

            She immediately regretted being assertive. Rarity promptly fainted as dramatically as possible, apparently expecting someone to catch her. No one did. Instead, she just felt to the floor. Rainbow Dash uttered another tirade of swear words, some of which Fluttershy was sure she was making up. Applejack had gone from the color of Rarity to the color of a beet, and Pinkie Pie had frozen solid with a look of inconceivable surprise on her face. Twilight still looked confused.

            “I’m sorry,” said Fluttershy, herself blushing. “But I just wanted to be honest with you all. And it’s not nice to keep making fun of Discord like that. He can be a little rough, but he’s an okay guy.” She looked at the door. “And I’m also sorry that I have to miss practice. I have study hall last period, so I’m going to go home early. I really need a shower. A long, long shower. And to change clothes. Discord has my panties right now, and these shorts are scratchy.”

            Fluttershy departed. Her friends stood sill for a moment, watching in absolute shock. Rainbow Dash had given them a description of what (in her mind) Discord had done to Fluttershy, with vivid detail. They had all assumed that she was either joking or participating in some manner of hyperbole. Now each and every one knew that everything Rainbow Dash had said was true.

            Applejack slowly walked over and with a shaking hand felt for Rarity’s pulse. Rainbow Dash looked at Twilight and Pinkie. “See?” she said, her voice wavering. “I told you!”

            “He…he buttered her flutter,” whispered Pinkie Pie. “But that’s not- -that can’t- -that’s not possible!”

            “Of course it is!” cried Rarity, sitting up suddenly and causing Applejack to nearly jump out of her denim skirt from fright. “That monster! That- -that ROGUE! He cornered her in the ladies room and he- -he- -” She put her head in her hands. “I can’t even say it! I should have tried harder! I should have known! Now she’ll never be able to find a husband!”

            “Husband my muscular rump,” swore Rainbow Dash. “I think we have bigger problems! He porked our friend!”

            “What if she gets pregnant?” cried Rarity. “Luna’s bony hips, it would be my fault! The stretch marks, the swelling, the damage to her…” She paused as everyone looked at her. “Never mind. I- -I need a moment to process this. I’ll be back in a short time.” She promptly fainted again.

            “She is right, though,” said Applejack. “We have to go to Celestia. Right now. Or even Luna.”

            “With what?” said Rainbow Dash. “I didn’t exactly make a video!”

            “I’m pretty sure that’s illegal,” noted Pinkie Pie. “Trust me, I’ve tried. I got arrested.” She shook her head. “Jail…jail wasn’t fun. So cold…”

            “It doesn’t matter! We still have to report it!”

            “We can’t!” cried Rarity.

            “Are you going to just faint out already or what?!” shouted Applejack. “Come on!”

            “I’ll faint when I’m well and ready and when the level of drama is appropriate!” Rarity sat up again. “We can’t take this to Celestia! If the school found out, Fluttershy’s reputation would be ruined!”

            “We have bigger problems than her reputation!”

            “There is NOTHING more important than a girl’s reputation!” squealed Rarity. “Applejack, that would be like somebody spreading word that you are secretly farming peaches!”

            Applejack gasped. “Whoever spreads that rumor would be a dirty bald-faced liar.” She slammed one of her fists into the open palm of the other hand. “And her kneecaps wouldn’t be around none to longer.”

            “The point still stands! Fluttershy is sensitive! It’s bad enough that Discord- -did that to her. To put her through all that…”

            “She wouldn’t be able to take it,” said Rainbow Dash.

            “I’m pretty sure she just showed that she’s actually pretty good at ‘taking it’,” said Pinkie Pie.

            “Don’t make me come over there, Pinkie. I’m pretty pissed right now.” Rainbow Dash looked at Applejack. “I like the kneecap idea, though. I’m taking this straight to Discord. When I’m done with him, he’ll be a lesbian!”

            “Now wait just a minute, Rainbow. Are you trying to get expelled?”

            “If that’s what it takes!”

            “What good will that do?”

            “So you just want us to ignore it?!”

            “No, but I say we need to be careful. This is real serious stuff.” Applejack paused. “I say we wait until Sunset gets back. She’ll know what to do.”

            Rainbow Dash considered for a moment. “I don’t like it. But…”

            The whole room fell silent, and they all knew that they had quickly come to an agreement. After what felt like several minutes, though, Twilight spoke.

            “Now wait a minute,” she said. “Explain it to me again. He put his what in her where? And why have I never heard that this is a thing?”




   [Wy�K
> Chapter 6: Sunset Finally Shows Up
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The week carried on, as weeks tended to do. For Fluttershy, it went quite well. She had made a new friend, and devoted some of her daily time to cheering up Discord. His job was hard, and it was apparent that the other students were either taking him for granted or outright not appreciating all the hard work he did in making the school clean and tidy. Fluttershy had taken to bringing him baked goods- -to the extent that she could bake- -and sometimes spending her free or lunch periods with him.

            To her friends, however, the situation was far more sinister. Most of the students found Discord terrifying. Either they were creeped out by him- -he would often stand perfectly still, smiling and breathing heavily- -or subject to a number of cruel pranks that could never really be traced back to him. When one student spilled breakfast cereal in the stairwell, for example, her locker was found the next day plastered with perfectly even Happy-O’s glued to the entire surface. The day after, she fell asleep in the courtyard and woke up with her person covered in them. Another time, the water in the water fountains was replaced with chocolate milk. On Thursday, the furniture in one room was found fastened to the ceiling (with a small student named Pipsqueak found in one of the upside-down chairs), and the day before the blackboards had been discovered to have been bleached into whiteboards. The worst by far, though, was that every bathroom in the school had been closed off for “maintenance” immediately after lunch on Taco Tuesday. In that case, Discord had caused a mess that would permeate the school for the rest of the week.

            Then, of course, there was the fact that each and every one of them knew that he was boinking Fluttershy. This boinking was, in their mind, performed with great vigor.

            On Thursday, the group- -save for Fluttershy, who was occupied in the school’s boiler room- -was waiting in their music room when Sunset appeared.

            “Twilight!” she cried, running through the door and slamming it behind her. “I got your text. Sorry, I didn’t see it because there were four thousand and eighty one from Rarity and I don’t ever read those so it got buried. You said it was an emergency- -”

            The others were looking at her angrily, save for Pinkie Pie, who was bloated and rolling around on the floor in pain.

            “Um, why are you looking at me like that?” asked Sunset.

            “You know you’re a student, right?” said Applejack. “As in, you’re supposed to go to school?”

            “I am at school,” she said. “And I’m not actually a student here.”

            Twilight looked around. “Where’s Spike?”

            “He’s watching my spell,” said Sunset.

            “Spell?”

            “Yeah. You have no idea how much effort I had to do to get that thing to work. There isn’t a lot of magic in this world, so I had to improvise.”

            “Improvise?”

            Sunset nodded. “I just spent the last week eating witcher mushrooms I found in the woods and dancing naked around a sacrifices in a shrine I found deep in the woods. I may have summoned a demon, so watch out for that. Also, Spike might be just a little traumatized.”

            “So you were doin’ some weird mumbo-jumbo in the woods?” asked Applejack.

            “And you didn’t invite me!” groaned Pinkie. “Sunset, you know I love unholy rituals! I want to be a sacrifice! Ow…”

            “Pinkie, what’s wrong with you?”

            Rarity sighed. “The other day she discovered that the drinking fountains were filled with chocolate milk.”

            “Eew,” said Sunset, making a face. “That sounds disgusting.”

            “Indeed. And yet she still drank six gallons.”

            “Sixteen gallons!” cried Pinkie Pie. “I wanted to see how much there was! And there was a lot!” She sat up. “Actually, I’m going to see if there’s more…”

            “No you’re not!”

            “I can’t help myself!” cried Pinkie, bursting into tears. “I have a probbbblem!”

            “Was that the emergency you called about?” asked Sunset.

            Twilight shook her head somberly. The group then went about saying- -in the most graphic and disturbing ways possible- -what the new janitor was doing to poor, innocent, formerly-virginal Fluttershy.

            “…and she doesn’t know how to defend herself!” said Rainbow Dash. She was frantic. “She’s all meek and adorable, she doesn’t even know she’s being abused!”

            “Are you sure about this?” said Sunset. She looked a little queasy. “You are sure his name was Discord?”

            “That’s hardly the problem!” cried Rarity.

            “Yeah! Look!” Pinkie Pie produced a list and shoved it into Sunset’s face. “This just isn’t possible! It’s breaking the law!”

            “It’s not impossible to break the law, Pinkie.”

            “Yes it is! Look right here! It says ‘stories cannot contain sexual content with humans or anthros under the age of eighteen!’ Right there! We’re gonna get banned!”

            Sunset took the page. “Really? That’s a rule?”

            “Of course it is! That’s why we’re all virgins!”

            “I’m not,” said Sunset, as if the idea were ludicrous.

            The entire group gasped collectively. “Sunset!” cried Rarity.

            “You- -you aren’t?” gaped Applejack and Rainbow Dash simultaneously.

            “Did it hurt?” whispered Twilight.

            “YOU CAN’T DO THAT!” cried Pinkie Pie. “The RULES! Sunset, you’re a minor!”

            “No I’m not.”

            The room gasped again. Rarity put her hand over her chest. “You mean…you’re eighteen?”

            “Then why haven’t you been buying me beer?” demanded Rainbow Dash.

            “Because you have to be twenty one to buy beer,” said Sunset. She laughed. “And I WISH I was eighteen again. Ha. That would be great.”

            “Then…how old are you?”

            Sunset frowned. “You do realize that in my reality I was Celestia’s personal protégé BEFORE Twilight was, right?”

            “Well, yes, you mentioned that…”

            “As in, Celestia took Twilight after I left. When I was twenty four. And Twilight was five. And Twilight in Equestria is in her mid twenties.”

            “So you’re…”

            “I’m forty seven.”  The entire room fell silent as the other gawked in horror. “And believe me, I’ve had sex. Lots and lots of pony sex. I mean, who hasn’t? It’s perfectly natural. Stallions. Mares. Actually, there was this one girl in magic school, Twilight Velvet…”

            “That’s my mom’s name,” said Twilight.

            “But…you got here when we were in the sixth grade,” said Rainbow Dash.

            “And you started dating Flash Sentry that same year,” said Applejack. She counted on her fingers and then cried out. “Holy Celestia naked and covered in apple buttery, you’re one of them pedo-philes!”

            Sunset’s face scrunched, to the point that a human face could scrunch. “No I’m not. We never did it. That would be weird.”

            “It’s still creepy as nuts!” said Rainbow Dash.

            “And I think it’s weird that you use the same swear phrases as we do in Equestria even though Celestia isn’t your divine and eternal autarch,” said Sunset, annoyed.  “And as I said, I’m forty seven. Which means I’m exempt from the rules.”

            “But Flash Sentry- -”

            “EXCEPT!”

            “Okay, okay,” muttered Rainbow Dash. “You don’t need to yell!”

            “I DO!” cried Pinkie Pie. “IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO DROWN OUT THE VOICES IN MY HEAD!”

            Applejack slapped Pinkie. “Quiet, you!”

            “Harder,” said Pinkie, shivering.

            “I think the bigger problem,” said Sunset, “is that Discord is here.”

            “Why?” asked Rarity. She gasped. “Do you know him?”

            “Not personally. But there’s nopony in Equestria that doesn’t know OF him.”

            “Why’s that?” asked Twilight. “Is he famous?”

            “He’s an interdimensional chaos-god who spent several thousand years tormenting our population because he found their pain and confusion hilarious. He’s one of the most dangerous creatures known to pony kind.” Sunset paused. “And that might explain the magical signals I’ve been finding…”

            “I’ve been detecting them too,” said Twilight.

            “Really?” Sunset seemed surprised. “Which Elder God statue did you dance naked around?”

            “I don’t dance naked. I don’t dance at all. If I did, though, it would be Dagon the Blue-Lit Flower of Creation. I detected it with SCIENCE.”

            “Bah! If there’s one thing I’ve learned in Equestria, it’s that science can’t be trusted! I trust my horn!”

            “You don’t have a horn,” noted Rainbow Dash.

            “Unless…you do?” said Pinkie. She gasped. “That explains why you never wear skirts!”

            “I never wear skirts because they’re drafty,” said Sunset, covering the part of her body where Pinkie Pie was looking.

            “But aren’t you normally naked as a pony?” asked Applejack.

            “Yes, but I have a tail. And no, I don’t have THAT kind of horn. I had a horn on my head. And I miss it a lot. I mean, do you know how great having a horn is? Especially when you can find a mare who will let you strap her down and force her to suck on it until you nearly blow her head off with magic?” Sunset shivered. “Oh, Twilight Velvet…”

            “That’s still my mom’s name,” said Twilight.

            “Oh,” said Sunset. She cleared her throat. “Yes, well, I imagine it is. But yeah. Discord. He might very well be the cause of the magic surges.”

            “From his horn?” asked Pinkie Pie. She paused. “Actually, we could just ask Fluttershy about that. She knows Discord’s horn better than anyone at this point.”

            “Discord actually has two horns, normally.”

            “Two?” Pinkie Pie’s eyes went misty, and she looked down at the floor. “Hot dog…imagine what I could do with that…”

            “But why would our Discord have any sort of magic at all?” asked Applejack.

            “Because there’s a good chance it’s the same Discord,” said Sunset.

            “Is that even possible?” asked Twilight.

            “It might be, I don’t know. With Discord, it doesn’t matter if things are possible or not. He’ll do them anyway.”

            “Hence our Fluttershy problem,” said Rarity, darkly.

            “That I don’t understand,” said Sunset. She started pacing. “Everything I’ve heard from Princess Twilight suggests that Discord is reformed. In Equestria, he and Fluttershy are good friends.”

            “Are they…you know?”

            “I don’t know!” said Pinkie Pie. “Describe it! Ooh! Do an interpretive dance! With Applejack!”

            “I don’t think so,” said Sunset. “Actually, I’m not even sure Fluttershy over there is into stallions.”

            Rainbow Dash’s eyes went wide. “Really?”

            “I didn’t exactly ask, but most mares are pretty flexible. We outnumber stallions ten-to-one.”

            “Oh…” Rainbow Dash looked around, and then grabbed her stomach as she made the least convincing groan of pain any of them had ever heard. “Oh, my stomach! Must be a delayed reaction to those fish tacos…so many tacos…delicious, smooth tacos…I need to go to the nurse’s office. And definitely not that dimensional portal on the front lawn.”

            Applejack grabbed her collar. “No you don’t!”

            “But what should we do?” asked Rarity.

            “I don’t know,” said Sunset. “I’m new to this whole friendship thing. Have you tried talking to Fluttershy about it?”

            They all looked at each other, then at Sunset. “We…tried,” said Rarity. “And she…” Rarity shook her head.

            “She might just be embarrassed. How old is she again?”

            “The same age as the rest of us. Sixteen.”

            “No,” said Pinkie Pie. “She’s a year older than me. I think she’s seventeen.”

            “And I’m fourteen,” said Twilight.

            The others looked at her. “What?”

            “That’s my age.” Twilight blushed.

            “You skipped a few grades,” said Applejack.

            “Um…sort of. I actually graduated high school at age eight.”

            “Then why are you here?”

            “I’m working on my master’s thesis. And teaching five math classes, plus general chemistry.” Twilight blinked. “Didn’t you know that?”

            “Does nobody tell us anything?!” cried Rainbow Dash.

            “Apparently not,” said Sunset. “But setting that fact aside, we should talk to Fluttershy. Maybe not in school. At that age, she’s probably nervous. Maybe a little embarrassed. And we don’t want Discord interrupting us, especially if he IS magical. That could get messy real fast. So why don’t we go to her house and visit her there?”

            The others looked at each other, considering for a moment. Without a word, they decided that doing so sounded like a good idea.   �    �1Ty��L
> Chapter 8: Fluttershy Lives in a House
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

That weekend, the group of them journeyed out to where Fluttershy’s house supposedly was. It was not an easy trip, as the distance was too far to walk. Since an elk was not available for them to all ride (few elk were large enough for six girls), they had to take a car. Big Mac’s truck had apparently split in half, so they were forced to take Pinkie Pie’s family’s minivan. It was, needless to say, unpleasant. Everything was sticky. Nobody asked with what.

            In time, the group of them reached the house. Almost immediately, they got out- -save for Rainbow Dash, who had adhered entirely to the back seat and was working on extricating herself- -stared past the gate.

            “That’s Fluttershy’s house?” asked Sunset.

            “I…I had no idea,” said Twilight.

            “Well dress me in buttless chaps, slap me with a fish, and call me Celestia,” swore Applejack under her breath, scratching her head. Rarity, meanwhile, was speechless.

            They had all expected some sort of small, cozy cottage. That would have been logical. Fluttershy lived out in the woods, far from town and amongst animals in nature. A cottage would have been appropriate. What they found in its place, though, was not appropriate at all.

            The forest gave way to a vast clear patch of land, one that seemed more substantial than most of Applejack’s family farm. It rose into a hill, atop which sat the most vast house that any of them had ever seen.

            “She…she lives in this?” said Rarity at last. “How…how could she…”

            “Afford the heating bill?” asked Pinkie Pie.

            “NOT TELL ME!” screamed Rarity. She grabbed the rungs of the ornate, expensive gate and shook it violently. “The wealth! The opulence! The SOCIETY! How- -how did I never know! I could have been going to rich people parties!”

            “You mean you didn’t know,” said Rainbow Dash, finally pulling herself free from the backseat of Pinkie’s Car. “Luna’s narrow butt, Pinkie, what is this, glue?”

            “Don’t ask me. It only gets like that after my parents use the minivan.”

            Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened, but she did not have time to consider what that meant beyond a deep and instinctual feeling of revulsion. Rarity instead grabbed her lapel and shook her.

            “You KNEW!”

            “Yeah! It’s not uncommon!” said Rainbow Dash, pushing Rarity away.

            “What’s not uncommon?” asked Sunset.

            “Cloudsdale doesn’t really have good high schools. Sometimes the students come here to go to Canterlot High, but their families have to stay in Cloudsdale. Fluttershy’s dad- -he’s a cool dude- -he’s too close to retirement at the factory, so he couldn’t leave.”

            “But you’re from Cloudsdale.”

            “Yeah. And I live in a basement apartment.”

            “But then why the buck is it so darn big?”

            Rainbow Dash blinked. “Seriously, you don’t know?”

            “If I knew, I wouldn’t be askin’, now would I?”

            “Unless you were testing us,” said Pinkie. “My parents try to test me all the time! But I keep telling them, ADD isn’t a real disease, it’s made up by liberals! Or at least that’s what the little goblins that live in my cupcake pantry keep whispering to me late at night…”

            “I don’t know if I should tell you if Fluttershy didn’t, I don’t know- -”

            “Tell me those secrets that I might be opulent and fashionably wealthy!” cried Rarity, again shaking Rainbow Dash by the lapel.

            “Stop shaking me, you’re going to give me ANOTHER concussion!”

            “Oop,” said Rarity. She released Rainbow Dash again. “Sorry.”

            “Fine,” said Rainbow Dash. “The house is a gift from Fluttershy’s mother.”

            “Her mother?” Sunset looked confused. “But you said her father works in a factory.”

            “Wow. Land must be really cheap out here.” Pinkie looked around. “There isn’t, you know, an Indian burial ground under it or something? Because curry gives me gas.”

            “Her adoptive father,” said Rainbow Dash.

            “Fluttershy is adopted?!” cried Rarity. “I need to faint…” She looked down at the ground and grimaced. “…though perhaps I will wait until we’re over some slightly cleaner ground.”

            “Yeah. Adopted. She doesn’t like to talk about it. But her biological mother’s covering her education. Tuition, housing. She gets an allowance each month. A big one.”

            “How big?”

            “Big. Gives it all to charity, though. It’s why she wears the same white shirt every day.”

            “But then how rich is her mother?”

            “She’s some CEO or something for Tartarus Corp.”

            Rarity gasped extremely deeply. Birds flew from trees nearby. “You don’t mean…it isn’t S. Veil, is it?”

            “I don’t even know who that is.”

            “She’s the only one of the most successful businesswomen of the modern era! I’ve read several of her books!” Rarity paused. “Actually, I’ve been trying for an internship in Tartarus Corp’s textile development division for some time.”

            “I didn’t know you had an interest in business,” said Sunset.

            “Why of course, darling! Fashion is truly my passion, but making the clothing is only one part of a very complex industry!”

            “Did you get in?”

            “Get in what?”

            “To the internship.”

            “No,” sighed Rarity. “It’s terribly challenging.” Her face brightened. “But now that I know Fluttershy has my in, I’m sure to get it for sure.”

            “Yeah, no,” said Rainbow Dash. “Have you ever seen Fluttershy angry?”

            They all stared at her. “Is that even possible?” asked Applejack.

            “Only if you hurt an animal or talk about her biological mother. So don’t. Or she’ll shank you. Seriously, I’ve seen it. She will.”

            “That sounds a bit out of character,” said Twilight.

            “Indeed,” said Rarity. “Although if she is that sensitive about it, I don’t think I would like to…um…Twilight?”

            “Yes?”

            “How did you get on the other side of the fence?”

            The group turned to Twilight, who was indeed standing on the other side of the gate and looking back at them. “Oh,” she said. She pointed to an area where the lock of the gate had been reduced to a puddle of molten metal. “A 1:1 ratio of ferric oxide and finely powdered aluminium, ignited by a magnesium fuse. I opened the door…with science!”

            “You do realize it was unlocked, right?” said Rainbow Dash. “Fluttershy doesn’t lock her gate. The animals can’t get in if she does.”

            “Yeah,” said Pinkie. “If she did, we wouldn’t be in this situation, would we?” She leaned close to Sunset. “When I said ‘gate’, I meant her- -”

            “I know what part of her you meant,” said Sunset. She shuddered. “I’d rather not think of that particular part of Fluttershy.”

            “Well, at least we can get in,” said Applejack, pushing open the gate. “So. Are we going to go?”

            “Hold on!” Rarity went to the back of the minivan and opened the trunk. “I have something that I want to take if we…” She trailed off and stared into the trunk. Maud stared back. They both stood in silence for a moment, and then Maud slowly lifted Rarity’s bag.

            “Thank you,” said Rarity. She took the bag hesitantly, and then closed the trunk. “Well…yes. I have this bag. So we can go now.”



            They proceeded up the path. As they did, they were struck by the sheer amount of wildlife that surrounded them. There were deer, pheasants, cows, goats, skunks, rabbits, antelope, and strange fuzzy things that even Twilight could not identify.

            What they did come to identify quickly, though, was that a car was parked in the top of the driveway. This was initially surprising, both because it meant that someone was here other than Fluttershy and because it implied that they could have driven up the driveway rather than nearly killing Rarity- -who had the muscular consistency of a marshmallow- -by way of winding on the way up.

            “What in the wide world of wherever we are is THAT?!” asked Rainbow Dash, looking disgusting.

            Indeed, it was a strange vehicle. As they drew closer, though, they could see that it was essentially the front end of a Yugo grafted onto the rear half of a Pinto. Flames had been painted on it- -badly, with spraypaint- -and they were backward, coming from the rear toward the front as though the back were on fire. Considering the fact that the rear end was from a Pinto, that was oddly appropriate.

            “I saw that car in the staff lot,” said Sunset. “I think it belongs to- -”

            She was interrupted as Rarity pulled her and all of the group behind a large shrub. Several hundred songbirds swarmed out of the bush from the sudden start.

            “Rarity, what the buck?” cried Rainbow Dash.

            “That must be Discord’s car!” she hissed. “It’s too late! He’s already here! He’s probably defiling her innocence at this very moment!”

            “So why are we hiding behind a bush, then?”

            “We don’t want him to see us! In fact…” Rarity reached into her bag and pulled out a mass of well folded but extremely insubstantial black fabric. “I thought this might happen.”

            “What is that?” asked Rainbow Dash.

            “Stealth suits. I made them in advance. So we can catch him in the act!”

            “I don’t want to catch either of them in the act! That’s super gross!”

            “Well you have to if you want to save our friend’s feminine honor! Now put on the spandex before I PUT IT ON YOU!”

            They looked at each other, and did as they were told. Within less than a minute, they were all wearing form-fitting black cat suits.

            “Aww, come on!” cried Rainbow Dash, looking at the chest of her suit. It was perfectly flat. “Rarity, you made mine wrong!”

            “I do not make things wrong!” She turned to Twilight. “Twilight, aren’t you going to use yours?”

            “I don’t have to.” Twilight smiled, and then pulled off all her clothes.

            “Gah!” cried the other. “Twilight, no! We don’t want to see you…naked?”

            Twilight was, in fact, not naked. Instead, she was wearing a futuristic looking leotard.

            “Oh my,” said Rarity. “Darling, what is that?”

            “My latest project,” said Twilight, grinning. “Polychromatic responsive textiles. It matches light from the surrounding area through a magnetic distortion field and modulates it through a flexible, wearable computer membrane linked to points of the user’s fundamental physiology- -”

            “In English?” said Applejack.

            “Or Flemish, maybe?” said Rarity.

            Twilight frowned and sighed. “It’s an invisibility suit.”

            “No way,” said Rainbow Dash. “No friggin way!”

            “Yeah,” said Pinkie Pie. “Come on, Twilight, that’s not realistic at all.”

            “Not realistic? I built a device that could contain and manipulate magical energy out of spare electronic parts! I think I can use the same technology to build an invisibility suit.”

            “More importantly,” said Sunset. “Were you just wearing that under your clothes?”

            “I always wear it under my clothes,” said Twilight, jumping with joy. “I’ve just been waiting to field test it!”

            “You haven’t tested it? Maybe you should- -”

            It was too late. Twilight activated the suit. It immediately shimmered, and then to the amazement of all present became completely invisible. This was somewhat unfortunate, though, as it did not make Twilight invisible by extension. Instead, she was left standing outside wearing completely transparent and imperceptible clothing.

            “Oh,” she said, looking down at her now naked body. “Huh. That wasn’t supposed to happen. But it really did turn invisible, though. So I guess it’s a partial success.”

            “Twilight!” cried Rarity, on the verge of fainting. “You’re- -NUDE!”

            “You look like a giant plum,” said Rainbow Dash.

            “Yup,” said Twilight. “Just a whollllle lot of purple.” She looked up. “What? Come on, it’s not like all of you haven’t seen me naked before.”

            “I- -I never did!” cried Rainbow Dash, turning bright red. “I’m not into girls! I don’t enjoy this at all!”

            “We took a shower next to each other after gym class yesterday.” Twilight paused. “Actrually, come to think of it, you never bathe. That was kind of weird.”

            “It’s weirder that you’re just standing there like that,” said Sunset. “I mean, I thought you’d be freaking out. This is actually pretty impressive.”

            “I think it’s because I can still feel it,” said Twilight, twisting herself around. “You know, maybe people hate being naked because it’s so drafty.”

            “I like being drafty,” said Pinkie Pie. “It’s why I never wear panties. Look it up, it’s canon. But this…” She looked down at herself. “This is still cool. Look how big it makes my butt look!” She laughed.

            “I think I might take one of those after all,” said Twilight. Rarity, now thoroughly unnerved, handed her one.


            They split into groups of two to cover as much ground as possible. Twilight and Sunset went toward one of the outbuildings while Rarity and Pinkie Pie attempted to go around the back. Rainbow Dash and Applejack, being the bravest of the two, attempted to find their way inside.

            Twilight and Sunset reached the outbuilding first. They realized quickly that it was a kind of barn for storing animal feed.

            “There’s no one inside,” said Twilight, peering into the darkness. She paued. “Hmm. I guess we could check her shed.”

            “I have misgivings about that,” said Sunset. “Big ones.”

            “What’s the worst that can happen?”

            Twilight passed by the barn. Sunset moved to follow, but jumped as she felt something against the back of her neck. She turned suddenly, thinking that she was under attack, and found an enormous horse looming over her.

            Sunset’s breath immediately caught in her throat. He was an astounding specimen: some derivative of a Clydesdale, brushed perfectly and maintained in peak physical health. Sunset could not help but feel her eyes wandering over his dark brown, silky smooth coat and the firm, rippling muscles beneath it.

            “Holy buck,” she whispered to herself. The horse snorted in return and lowered his head. Sunset put her hands up and ran her fingers through his long mane. By this time, she was sweating profusely.

            “Sweet Celestia’s you-know-what,” she whispered. She lowered her head and looked between the horse’s legs. “You’re not a gelding either,” she said. She felt a twinge in her chest, and looked down to realize that wearing spandex was not ideal for her current mood. “You have no idea what it’s like here,” she said to the horse, running her hands against his muscular body. “Having to live with these hideous monkey people…but you…you’re damn sexy…”

            “Sunset?” called Twilight. Sunset nearly jumped.

            “You check out the shed,” said Sunset. “I have to do…something…”

            Twilight shrugged and went on her way, and Sunset and the horse made their way toward the barn.



            Rarity and Pinkie Pie had nearly made their way to the back of the house when they heard a sound that confirmed Rarity’s worst fears.

            “Get down!” said Rarity, motioning for Pinkie to duck into a shrub.

            “Sure,” said Pinkie Pie. She proceeded to start dancing, forcing Rarity to pull her down.

            “Did you hear that?”

            “The voices telling me to cover you in peanut butter roll you down a hill covered in those little fake bacon bits? Facon bits!”

            “No!” Rarity hushed Pinkie. “I heard Discord!” She peered through the bush. “I can’t see anything!”

            “I certainly can,” said Pinkie. She was looking at her own butt. “Oh man…I wish I was Discord. I’d pour chocolate milk on me and pinch that thing all day…”

            Rarity poked Pinkie Pie, causing her to giggle and then become silent. They both listened.

            “Oh, Discord,” said Fluttershy’s voice from behind the house. Neither of them could see her clearly, nor could they see Discord, but the sound carried well through the open windows. “This is exactly what I needed!”

            “I aim to please,” said the pervert.

            Fluttershy giggled. “You’re so dirty!”

            “Only because you asked me to be. Now…if you don’t mind…can I come inside?”

            Rarity gasped and nearly fainted.

            “Here? Now?” Fluttershy sounded as though she were panicked. “No, wait, I’m not ready!”

            “I’m going to,” said Discord, “and I’m going to use your back door!”

            At this point, Pinkie Pie’s full attention was devoted to listening. Although she did not admit it, she suddenly found herself wishing that she and Fluttershy could change places.

            “No, you can’t! No, please, not that!”

            “I’m going in!”

            “Nooo! You’re not going to fit!”

            “Ugh…it is a little tight…but I think…yes! YES! I’M IN!”

            “Discord!” cried Fluttershy. There was a long pause, and then she spoke again, sounding distressed. “Oh my…It’s everywhere…”



            Rarity had promptly fainted, and Pinkie Pie had done something that is not permitted to be described in this sort of story. Meanwhile, inside the house, Fluttershy was fetching a mop. Discord closed the back door to her house behind him and stepped into the kitchen.

            “Try not to move,” said Fluttershy. “You’ll track more mud.”

            “Can I at least put this down?” said Discord, gesturing to the large wooden box he was holding. “I barely managed to get it through the door, but it’s awfully heavy. Not that I’m not strong enough to hold it, of course. Why, I’d hardly say you’ve ever met anybody as strong as me.”

            “On the counter is fine,” said Fluttershy, pointing toward the space next to her kitchen sink and the window that overlooked her now well-weeded garden. Discord set the box down and Fluttershy looked in.

            “Oh, Discord,” she said. “You got so many!” she ran her hand through the preponderance of vegetable matter, and then turned to him. “I just can’t thank you enough! I’m just so small weak, and the garden just overtook me!”

            “Oh, it is not a bother at all!” said Discord, wiping his dirty forehead with a gloved hand. “I am a trained groundskeeper, after all! I keep ground! Usually in little jars that formerly contained jelly. I do enjoy jelly. Or…” He leaned closer. “…butter.”

            Fluttershy giggled. “Oh, Discord, you’re so silly!”

            “I do like butter!” protested Discord. He picked up a buttercup from the box and held it under his chin. “See?”

            “Oh! Try me!” Discord held out the flower. “Do I like butter too?”

            “Actually, I can’t tell. You’re already the color of butter. Which is kind of weird. Have you been checked for jaundice?”

            “Several times. But that’s okay.” Fluttershy reached into the box. “These weeds will make great meals for all of my little animal friends!”

            “Personally, I would have smoked them,” said Discord, shrugging.

            “Like cheese?”

            “Um…sure.” Discord looked out the window. “I actually saw some of your horses out there.”

            “My mother’s, actually,” said Fluttershy, darkly. “Have you ever heard the legend of Catherine the Great?”

            “No.”

            “Then don’t. You wouldn’t like it. That said, they’re direct descendants of Felarof. I make sure to take very good care of each and every one of them.”

            “You certainly do love animals, don’t you.”

            “Of course!” Fluttershy paused. “Actually, I know some you would just adore! Why don’t you use my shower, and then I can show you.”

            “It would be my pleasure,” said Discord, bowing ornately. “Although, if I might ask, do you have anything to drink?”

            “You mean like cider?”

            Discord blinked. “You have cider?”

            “I have a lot of things. I don’t use most of them, so you’re welcome to anything you want. Here, let me show you my pantry.”

            “Any tofu sausage?”

            “Um…I think so?”

            Fluttershy led Discord into another room. Unbeknownst to her, Rainbow Dash and Applejack had just entered that room through the main window to it. Unbeknownst to either of them, the front door was actually unlocked and they could have walked in without difficulty.

            They immediately heard Fluttershy and Discord’s voices as they approached.

            “Oh my!” said Discord. “My dear Fluttershy, you mean you’ve never done it?”

            “Well, no,” admitted Fluttershy.

            “Oh! It’s just so hard to believe that a girl like you has never once had a sausage in her mouth!”

            “It always sounded so gross to me…”

            “Well, it may be. But I’ll teach you how to enjoy it. I promise…”

            “That son of a…” swore Rainbow Dash. She rushed forward, but Applejack grabbed a hold of her.

            “They’ll see us!” she hissed. “Get over here!”

            Just as Discord and Fluttershy entered the room, the pair of them ducked into a closet.

            “But he was talking about making her blow his- -”

            Applejack silenced Rainbow Dash by picking up an apple and shoving it into her mouth. It was something she did often to people at various times, in part because of a strange fetish for seeing apples forcibly inserted into people’s orifices.

            “Don’t worry, Fluttershy,” said Discord, approaching the closet where Applejack and Rainbow Dash were hiding. “I’ll show you every single thing you can do with a long, greasy sausage.”

            “I don’t know if I want to know.”

            “You’ll see.” To Rainbow Dash and Applejack’s horror, the door to the pantry opened slightly. A long, thin hand reached in. “Now, let’s see,” he said. “Cider, cider…I know it’s in here. I can smell it. And something like…is that skittles?”

            Rainbow Dash grunted against the apple in her mouth. As she did, Discord’s hand touched her. She froze in panic, immediately feeling disgusted and violated as it moved up to her chest area.

            “Oh my!” said Discord. “Fluttershy, I must compliment you on your choice of architecture!” His hand moved around on Rainbow Dash’s chest. “The plywood in this cabinet! It’s so very smooth and flat! Why, not even the slightest lump or bump or inconsistency! I consider myself something of a connoisseur of wood, after all.”

            “I’ve seen your wood,” said Fluttershy. “Lots of times.” Referring, of course, to the collection of antique boards that Discord had kept in the boiler room at school.

            “Oh, I’ll show you soooo much more wood. You don’t really have a choice. Once I get excited, well, I just can’t help myself.” Discord’s hand moved again, leaving Rainbow Dash and reaching toward Applejack. Applejack, not being one who liked being touched, reached behind her and grasped a bottle of cider. She pressed it into Discord’s palm.

            “There it is!” he said, pulling it out. “I’m just so parched after playing in your garden. Planting some seed is horribly tiring work, after all.”

            “I mostly just sat there and watched,” admitted Fluttershy. “But even I’m feeling a little tired.”

            “Well, you take a break then. I’m going to take you up on that shower so I can be squeaky clean and not smelling like a dead body which had been exercising. Then you can show me something…”

            The pair of them left, and Rainbow Dash and Applejack fell out of the closet. Rainbow Dash said something angrily, but then realized she still had an apple shoved in her mouth. She pointed at it and grunted.

            “You have hands,” said Applejack. “Use them for something other than…whatever you use your hands for.”

            Rainbow Dash seemed not to have realized this, and she reached up and removed the apple from her mouth. “Ah!” she cried. “I can’t believe it! He touched me! I’ve been molested!”

            “Why? It’s not like he touched anything, you know, that existed.”

            “They do exist, they’re just small, okay?! I’m a late bloomer and very athletic, so I’m developing slow! There’s nothing wrong with that! We can’t all be like Fluttershy!”

            “Well that part of Fluttershy’s getting’ her in hot water right now! Come on! We have to follow them! Maybe we can manage to save her!”

            “Yeah…if I get my hands on that son of a Celestia, I’ll wring his stupid little neck for putting a single finger on my Fluttershy…”

            “Your Flutterhy?”

            Rainbow Dash blushed profusely. “I mean our Fluttershy. The Fluttershy. A Fluttershy. Sorry. Stressed.”

            “Being in the closet stressed you?”

            Rainbow Dash sighed. “You have no idea.”



            Pinkie Pie was able to enter the house next. She had left Rarity in the bush because despite her relatively thin figure Rarity was surprisingly heavy. Pinkie Pie took that into consideration and made a mental note of it, resolving to put it in her notebook later. She had been trying to track just how easy or hard her friends were to move while they were unconscious. There was no surprise party, after all, like one you woke up to in a different place than where you had started.

            While Rainbow Dash and Applejack were becoming confused and lost in the hallways and corridors of Fluttershy’s mother’s massive summer home, Pinkie Pie did not falter. Her vision was not actually all that good; she had spent her formative years mining crystals deep in various caves. Generally, she navigated by scent alone.

            This was, of course, challenging, as there was a smell of cake that was distracting her as well as a scent of something else. It was lower, and distant, covered by cleaning chemicals but still pungent. It was a bad smell, and Pinkie Pie did not like it.

            She was led by her nose to a large door, and upon opening it, found the second most enormous bathroom she had ever seen. Everything was done up in ornate pink and green marble, all spaced and decorated with perfect attention to the grain. Had Maud been present, she would no doubt have stripped naked and lain quietly on every surface of it. To Pinkie Pie, though, it all looked kind of like ice cream.

            In the center sat a bathtub the size of a moderate-sized swimming pool, and on the edge of that stood Discord, preparing to step in. He dipped one toe into the water first to check the temperature, and as he did Pinkie Pie realized that he was naked.

            Her eyes widened and she inhaled sharply. “Holy cream-filled cannoli,” she whispered. “I suddenly understand you Fluttershy…”  Pinkie Pie hesitated, and then stepped forward. She was not making any attempt to hide herself.

            “D…Discord?” she said. “Hey, I know this sounds strange, but you should totally dump Fluttershy…and have a PINKIE PIE instead!” She giggled. “I don’t wear panties- -it’s canon!- -and my skin literally tastes like sweet, sweet sugar on account of the uncontrolled diabetes. Plus, I’m a year younger than Fluttershy! So what do you say? How about giving me some of that chocolate milk?”

            Discord stepped into the water. “Huh?” he said, turning around. He looked at Pinkie Pie- -or rather past her. “Oh,” he said. “I left the door open. There’ll be a draft.” He shrugged. “Oh well. I’m not going to try to avoid it. I’m no draft dodger.”

            He then turned away and slid into the bubbly froth of the bathtub.

            “Wait!” cried Pinkie Pie, running to the edge. “You can’t ignore me like that!”

            Discord continued to ignore her and produced a small toy boat, which he began playing with.

            Pinkie Pie did not understand at first- -but then she understood. She grabbed at the black spandex she was wearing. “Of course! Rarity made the sneaky-suits too well! He can’t see me! I’m camel-flagued!” She looked down a little further. “And camel-toed, actually…”  She swore. “Gosh darn it, why do I have to look so good in something he can’t even see!”

            “Huh,” said Discord, eying several bottles of shampoo. “I never get shampoo…I wonder…” He took a bottle, opened the cap, and started drinking it.

            Pinkie Pie gasped. “You like shampoo too? I love shampoo! Especially the kind that looks like a weird little fish!”

            Discord grimaced. “Well, it tastes like Fluttershy, I guess.”

            “Come on!” cried Pinkie Pie. “See me! You seem like such a fun guy! We could have chocolate milk and glue cereal to each other and there would be CANDY- -” she gasped. “I bet you have a van full of candy! I want it, I want it NOW!” She promptly slipped and fell into the soapy water.

            “What was that?” cried Discord, looking at the splash. He looked around as Pinkie slowly rose out of the water so that only her eyes and the top of her head were exposed, like an alligator or Richard Nixon.

            “I’ll just watch you then,” whispered Pinkie. “But just you wait…you’ll be tied down in my secret party basement before long…”



            It was nearly a half hour before the group of black-clad friends regrouped somewhere in one of the lower floors of Fluttershy’s house underneath the portrait of a very pale and sickly looking man with kind eyes.

            Not all of them were in the same condition that they had started. Rarity had been lying in the mud and was dirty and covered in small prickers and thorns. Pinkie Pie was soaking wet and dripping from having been staring at Discord naked, and Sunset’s clothing and hair were both extremely disheveled. She looked far more tired than the others, but also strangely satisfied. Twilight, meanwhile, just looked traumatized.

            “Twilight,” said Pinkie Pie, “you look traumatized.”

            “I saw…what’s in her shed…”

            “What was in it?”

            Twilight did not respond.

            “You think you’re traumatized? I got felt up!” cried Rainbow Dash.

            Rarity gasped. “Applejack! How could you!”

            “It wasn’t me!” retorted Applejack. “At least not the first time…and the second and fifth times were both accidents!”

            “We don’t have time for that!” Rarity turned to the others. “Have any of you seen anything?”

            “I’ve seen a loooottttt of things,” said Pinkie Pie.

            “So did we,” said Rainbow Dash. “He was in the pantry, talking about making Fluttershy eat his sausage!”

            Rarity gasped. “How disgusting! How lewd!”

            “Wait a minute,” said Sunset. “She was in the pantry. Isn’t it possible he was just going to get, you know, actual sausage?”

            They all looked at her. “Sunset, you’re talking crazy,” said Applejack. “I know what I heard.”

            A sudden cry came from overhead. They quickly resolved that it was Discord howling with laughter.

            “Discord!” cried Fluttershy, sounding utterly embarrassed. “Don’t laugh at it!”

            “I can’t help it, it’s just so- -HOOO HAAA! I’ve never- -I can’t- -”

            “It’s not like you’ve ever seen a beaver before!”

            The entire group gasped. “That lecherous pervert!” cried Rarity. “He’s looking at her- -at of all things- -DISGUSTING!”

            “But looking at one up close, not often,” said Discord. “And a PINK beaver!”

            “Dissscord! Don’t be so mean!”

            “I just can’t help myself! Pink! PINK!” He chortled and bellowed with laughter again. Then there was a pause. “I say we shave it!”

            Fluttershy cried out. “You can’t do that!” she screamed. “You can’t shave my beaver!”

            “But I want to take all that silky smooth pink fur and show it to my comrades! They’ll never believe me otherwise!”

            “Well you can’t have my beaver fur! I let you get away with a lot, but that’s final! I mean, what’s the point in having pink hair if nobody gets to see it?”

            Discord sighed loudly. “I suppose you’re right.”

            In the room over the others, Discord set the buck-toothed creature down at the edge of the artificial pool where it lived with its more traditionally colored friends. It looked up at him curiously. It really was a strange creature, though. According to Fluttershy, it belonged to a profoundly rare and endangered species. It had been smuggled into the country illegally, and Fluttershy had been tasked with rehabilitating it along with the others before they could be returned to the wild.

            The rodent turned away from Discord and slid into the water of the artificial pool. Discord shuddered. “Oh my,” he said. “Fluttershy, it looks like your beaver is all wet.”

            “That’s okay,” said Fluttershy. “It’s supposed to be.” She then stood up and tossed some beaver food into the water, and the creatures swarmed on it, pulling the carrots and small nuts under the water and taking some back to their lodge. “But it was pretty, wasn’t it?”

            “I’ve seen a lot of beavers in my time,” said Discord, thinking back to his youthful days as a rough and rebellious plumber in northern Canada. “But that was by far the prettiest.”

            “Oh, why thank you!” said Fluttershy. “Maybe next time you come over I can let you play with my kitty!” Referring, of course, to one of the numerous elusive felines that lived with her in addition to the rest of her menagerie.

            “Come over again?” said Discord, wide-eyed, as the pair of them left the beaver room and went to a higher level through a narrow staircase.

            “Well, of course! This big house…it gets so very lonely. I would move, but I need space for all my animal friends. And having you here…I guess it makes me feel a little better. I don’t know if you understand.”

            “My dear Fluttershy,” said Discord, “if there is one thing I understand, it is loneliness. I know I tend to be a bit…eccentric, and that scares a lot of people away. I know the feeling of being alone in a house, just sitting there with your thoughts…although admittedly in a substantially smaller house.”

            “Well, if you’re not busy next weekend, you can come over for tea.”

            “Tea?”

            “Do you not like tea?”

            “Oh, no, I simply ADORE tea!” Discord tried to hide a tear from one of his eyes. “But I simply never had anyone ask to share any with me before.”



            “Well what are we supposed to do now?” asked Applejack.

            “I think it’s too late to save Fluttershy’s beaver,” said Pinkie Pie. “By this time, it’s probably shaved smooth!”

            “Of all the things!” fumed Rarity. “Having inappropriate relations with her is one thing, but threatening her hair!”

            “It’s not that kind of hair,” said Rainbow Dash.

            “It doesn’t matter! It’s ESPECIALLY true for that hair!”

            “What hair?” asked Twilight. “What are we talking about?”

            They all looked at her and suddenly recalled that she was not only younger than even Rainbow Dash but the least developed of them all. She actually did not know.

            “You’ll see in about a year,” said Applejack. “Trust me.”

            “And hopefully yours won’t come in rainbow-colored,” grumbled Rainbow Dash. They all looked at her suddenly. “What?”

            “Seriously?” said Applejack. “I can’t tell if you’re joking.”

            “I’m not showing you if that’s what you’re asking.”

            “I…I had no idea,” said Rarity, taken aback. “I assumed you died your hair like that…I had no idea it was natural.”

            “Who says I don’t dye my hair?”

            “Darling. You aren’t exactly the kind of girl who thinks ahead to make drapes match the carpet, so to speak.”

            “I am so confused,” moaned Twilight. “Now we’re talking about interior decorating?”

            There was a sound from outside, and the entire group suddenly moved carefully to the window.

            “What was that?” asked Rarity.

            “It sounded like a car door,” said Sunset. She peeked over the window sill. “Look!”

            They looked and saw Discord opening the passenger side of his car. He was wearing a long coat, and Fluttershy was dressed in the skimpiest maid outfit that any of them save Rarity had ever seen.

            “That fiend!” squealed Rarity. “He’s- -he’s taking her home! And forcing her to wear THAT! It’s worse than I thought! It’s- -it’s some kind of dirty, horrid FETISH!”

            “Yeah!” cried Rainbow Dash, wiping a thin stream of blood from her nose. “Fluttershy would NEVER wear something like that! Not for any reason ever!” Then, under her breath: “not for me, anyway…”

            “What was that?” asked Sunset.

            “Nothing!”

            Sunset looked out at them and saw the car start up- -poorly- -and drive away with the pair of them in it. “I don’t know,” she said. “I mean, she’s wearing weird clothes, but…that’s not exactly illegal!”

            “Not illegal?” cried Rarity. “Sunset, you heard what we all heard! I think we have more than enough proof!” She removed a tape recorder from the chest area of her spandex suit, instantly causing Rainbow Dash to induce jealousy.

            “But all we really saw was her wearing the maid outfit- -”

            “And that’s quite enough!”

            “But it isn’t- -”

            “Sunset,” said Applejack, “I think Rarity’s right. We can deny it until we’re blue in the face.- -no offence Rainbow Dash- -but I think we pretty well confirmed it. He’s buckin’ her tree, and there’s not one cherry left on that bush.”

            Rainbow Dash looked as though she was about to kill someone, but Sunset just looked out the window. She was not so sure.



            Discord, meanwhile, groaned in the car. “That outfit is hardly appropriate for a girl like you,” he said.

            “Oh, Discord. It’s not immodest. And I feel so adorable.” Fluttershy giggled. “And besides. Yours is MUCH shorter.”

            Discord sighed and parted his coat, revealing that he was wearing an identical maid costume- -and since it was the same size as Fluttershy’s, it was much shorter on him.

            “Oh, you look so cute! Discord,” Fluttershy put her hand on his shoulder. “I just can’t thank you enough! Helping me with my garden, AND going to the charity maid café for the animal shelter with me?”

            “I aim to please,” said Discord, smiling. “And besides, the draftiness helps with the fungus. And the lace makes me feel pretty.” He frowned. “But I don’t do windows!”

            “But…you’re a janitor.”

            “It’s a matter of principle, Fluttershy!”

            “You mean like Celestia?”

            Discord’s frown became deeper. “That is something else I do not do. At least not anymore.”
> Chapter 9: Who Doesn't Want to Poke Her?
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The school week had come again. On this particular afternoon, Rainbow Dash and Twilight were walking around outside in a free period between classes. Twilight was wondering how to improve her invisibility field, and only half listening to Rainbow Dash.

            “And who does he think he is?” groaned Rainbow Dash, kicking a rock. It sailed across the area and struck poor Lyra Heartstrings square in the forehead, toppling her off a wall. Rainbow Dash neither noticed nor cared. “Doing that to her- -and then he has the nerve to show up to school and act like nothing happened? And Fluttershy- -she’s just going along with it!”

            “Well,” said Twilight, taking several mental notes that involved the possibility of implanting part of the suit in the subject’s skin, “maybe she doesn’t mind it that much.”

            “Mind it- -Twilight, she’s letting that dirty old man put his hands all over her, and put things…you know…INTO her! Of course she doesn’t like it!”

            “Possibly,” said Twilight. “But Fluttershy does have agency. If she felt she was in trouble, she could talk to us. Or her teachers, or her parents. Even her biological mother.”

            “Fluttershy would sooner be drawn and quartered than talk to that beast…”

            “That’s…gruesome. But it doesn’t contradict my logic. She seems fine. She would have said something if she couldn’t deal with this.”

            “Unless she’s too afraid! Twilight, I’ve known Fluttershy since we were little girls! She’s delicate and timid and needs to be protected by a big, strong, athletic woma- -I mean individual! If she gets too stressed, she freezes up!”

            “That may be true,” said Twilight, “but I’m familiar with the signs of human stress. Both for human studies and to help me learn to socially interact. She doesn’t seem stressed. She seems happy. I mean, if I had a boyfriend, I would be very happy. But that will never happen.” Twilight sighed.

            “He’s not her boyfriend!” cried Rainbow Dash. “He’s a horny old perv!” Rainbow Dash grimaced. “And if I get my hands on him, I’m going to take a long sharp knife and shove it up his- -”

            “I think we should stop right there,” said Twilight. “I’m technically a teacher here, and I don’t want to have to report you to the guidance office.”

            “Report me! I don’t care! Report the fact that one of your students is getting rammed front and back by the janitor while you’re at it!”

            “Back?” said Twilight. “Wait…I know you already explained it to me, but what’s in the back that he could be doing that with?”

            “The butt.”

            Twilight gasped. “I didn’t know that was a thing!”

            “Oh, it is,” said Rainbow Dash. “And it’s what I’m going to do to Discord if I can get him alone!” Twilight stared at her, and Rainbow Dash coughed. “Not in a sexual way, though! In a violent way that hurts real bad!”

            “I think doing that always hurts real bad,” said Twilight, shivering. “Why would that even be a thing?”

            Rainbow Dash was about to answer when both her and Twilight were struck by a horrid stench. Twilight nearly threw up, and Rainbow Dash started choking. It was as though they had both walked into a cloud of cheap vodka mist.

            “Celestia’s giant greasy butt!” swore Rainbow Dash. “Do you smell that?”

            “What the heck do you think?” said Twilight before retching again.

            Rainbow Dash looked up through her watering eyes and then gasped. Doing so was a bad idea, as it forced her to taste the noxious gas that surrounded her. In their walk, they had approached the school stadium and were standing near the bleachers. Rainbow Dash suddenly grabbed Twilight and pulled her beneath the structure.

            “Rainbow Dash!” cried Twilight. “Please! I’m not that kind of girl!” Then, whispered, “please be gentle…”

            “Eew, no, you’re not my type at all,” said Rainbow Dash. “Waaaaay to nerdy. Look!”

            She pointed out from the bleachers, and Twilight looked. Standing on the other side was Discord, holding a rake. He had apparently been working on maintaining the green of the athletic field. Strangely, though, he was not alone.

            A tall man stood with him. He was bizarrely ugly, with a ridiculously long pointed nose and a strangely square jaw. Neither of his eyes faced the same direction. His skin was gray, but mostly covered by a large overcoat and heavy boots that he wore despite the temperature. The man had a glass bottle in one hand.

            When the man spoke, his voice was made almost unintelligible with a thick Siberian accent.

            “So,” he said, looking around in several directions at once. “You will be bringing her, then?”

            “Of course, Ivan,” said Discord. “I think you’ll find her simply wonderful!”

            “Da. Perhaps.” Ivan paused. What he said next was badly muddled by his accent, but Rainbow Dash and Twilight both heard him say the same thing. “So,” he said, “we are going to poke her?”

            A strange and terrifying smile crossed Discord’s face. “Of course, Ivan. We are ALL going to poke her together.”

            “You are meaning Ivan, Ivan, Ivan, Ivan, and also Ivan?”

            “Yes, Ivan! You, me, all of your brothers! We’re ALL going to poke her tonight.”

            Ivan smiled. He had almost no teeth left. “Da,” he said. “This is good, then. Ivan wants to poke her the great much. As you have been giving description, Ivan is the hoping that Ivan is not to be the disappointed.”

            “You won’t be,” chuckled Discord. “She’s young, but trust me. She has a knack for it.”

            Ivan continued to smile and then took a long swig from his bottle. It had been nearly full, and he drained it completely before taking an identical full bottle out of his coat. “Da. Then Ivan will come, and we will all poke her together.”

            Ivan stumbled off across the field, and Discord laughed. He rubbed his hands together greedily. “Oh, yes!” he said. “I’m going to make SOOOO much money tonight!”

            Rainbow Dash and Twilight ducked behind part of the bleachers. “Crap!” cried Rainbow Dash. “It’s worse than we thought!  He’s trying to sell her out as a prostitute! I knew it! This is some sort of human trafficking scheme!”

            “What are we going to do?” whispered Twilight. She was on the verge of panicking.

            “What we should have done from the start,” said Rainbow Dash. She took out her cellphone. Twilight did not ask where she had been keeping it; Rainbow Dash had no pockets. “I’m calling the police.”



            “Ohhhh yes!” cried Discord. “I’m IN!”

            Ivan groaned. “Ivan is in also!”

            Fluttershy snorted. “No you’re not.”

            Ivan looked confused. “But Ivan knows that Ivan is in- -”

            “You call that ‘in’? That’s tiny!” Fluttershy laughed in his face. “Look at Discord. HE knows how to go in. Come on! If you’re going to do it, do it like a MAN!”

            Ivan looked perturbed and terrified at the same time. Then, slowly, he removed his ushanka hat and placed it into the center of the table with his money, vodka, and one of his boots. He then reached into his pocket and removed to small furry things that closely resembled hairier kiwi fruits with faces and tiny legs. One of them was covering its eyes.

            “Huuhuuu…” it squeaked. “No wan be bet! Am awive!”

            The other glared at Fluttershy and puffed out its cheeks. “Dummeh wady! Yu make fwend make sad huu-huu noisies!”

            “Hey!” cried Ivan, glaring at the creatures. “You shall not be dishonoring Ivan by mistreatment of glorious maiden Fluttershy! Respect is required!”

            The furry thing looked like it was about to cry too. It turned to Fluttershy. “Sowwy nice Fwutty-shy. Kiwi nu mean it.”

            “Aww, they’re adorable!” said Fluttershy. She grinned at Ivan. “And they’re about to be mine!”

            “Do not be being so sure,” said Ivan. He slammed his cards down on the table. “Three of kind!”

            “Flush!” shouted Fluttershy, putting her cards down. All the men at the table- -there were five of them total, one of whom was Discord and the other were identical men named ‘Ivan Ivanovich’ who Fluttershy had taken to be brothers- -cried out. The Ivans who had folded were laughing hysterically and jeering at their now despondent brother. Discord just laughed lightly, even though he had just lost over two hundred dollars in the bet as well. He could not beat Fluttershy’s flush either.

            “Ivan…Ivan lost?” said Ivan. “Ivan is now penniless…and has no more vodkas…”

            “You can win it back next round,” said Fluttershy, picking up the pot and putting the two kiwi fruits in her pockets.

            “But Ivan has nothing to bet!”

            “That’s a pretty  nice coat you’re wearing.”

            Ivan looked at it.

            “It is indeed,” said another Ivan. “We all wear it. Genuine wool of tiny fruit-horse.”

            “You have no idea the shaving required to be making such great coats,” said another Ivan.

            Fluttershy giggled. “I like this game!” she laughed. “Thank you so much for inviting me, Discord!”

            “It wasn’t a problem at all, Fluttershy.” Discord then muttered to himself. “But it will be if I don’t start winning…”

            “Ivan is also enjoying Ivan’s self,” said one of the Ivans. “Ivans great much enjoy to poker. Such are good games for the glorious proletariat!”

            “And far better than when we play roulette!” said another of the Russians.

            Fluttershy dealt the cards. Just the group was preparing to place their bets, though, there was a knock on the door.

            “I wonder who that could be,” said Discord. “Ivan, did you invite more of you?”

            “We have not bred enough of us to have more than this,” said one of the Ivans.

            Then, suddenly, the door exploded inward. Fluttershy squealed as four uniformed police officers burst into the room. Leading them was the sexiest police officer of them all, Shining Armor himself. He was clutching a long nightstick with both hands.

            “The NKDV!” cried Ivan, flipping over the table. “Ivan must hide! Cannot be sent back to Siberia! Ivan’s mother-in-law lives there!”

            “Sweet Luna’s perpetual virginity, it’s an infestation!” cried one of the secondary officers when he saw that there was an entire group of Ivans sitting quietly in chairs.

            “Where is she?” demanded Shining Armor. “Where is the girl?”

            The room went silent and Fluttershy, still clutching her cards, slowly raised her hand.

            “I think she’s right there, captain!” cried one of the secondary guards.

            “I can see that guard number two,” said Shining Armor. He let down his night stick and scratched his head. “Buck me in the bung-hole and call me my wife,” he said. “Miss, are you in any danger?”

            “No,” she said. “We were playing poker. At least until Ivan flipped the table.”

            “Ivan is sorry,” said Ivan, looking down at the mess. “Ivan panicked. Elegant maiden Fluttershy has not met Ivan’s mother-in-law.”

            “Great,” said Shining Armor. “So it was a prank call. Sorry about your door.”

            “Not a problem,” said Discord. “I’ve already kicked in my door four times this week. It usually gets up to seven. It’s easier than having keys. They make my pants look less sexy.” Discord looked down at the weapon Shining Armor was holding. “My, though. That is indeed an impressive night-stick!”

            “This?” Shining Armor lifted it. “Oh yeah. A custom design. Made out of forsythia wood.”

            “Forsythia? My my, that is rare indeed!”

            “It is, but there’s nothing like it for whacking criminals.”

            “And is it the standard twelve inch length? Because it looks a little bit longer.”

            Shining Armor’s eyes lit up. “No, it’s not. It’s an eighteen inch, and a little thicker. A custom design, actually. My wife got it for me for our anniversary. She knows how much I like police brutality.”

            “Well, I am something of a fan of wood,” said Discord, “and I do in fact collect antique batons. I actually have on one on me right now!” He reached into his pocket and produced a very short but thick club of dark wood.

            “A mahogany blackjack? Pretty sweet. Also illegal in this county.” Shining Armor pointed his nightstick at Discord. “Am I going to have to give you a beating after all?”

            They both laughed. The Ivans looked around nervously, not knowing if they were going to get sent to Siberia or not.

            “It is impressive,” said Fluttershy, referring to Shining Armor’s weapon. “I’ve never seen something quite like it.”

            “Do you want to try it?”

            “Can I?”

            Shining Armor extended the handle of the weapon to Fluttershy. She stood up and took it. “Oop!” she said. “It’s so heavy!” She swung it around crudely and without form. Discord and Shining armor laughed.

            “Oh Fluttershy,” said Discord. “You’re such a character! You look ridiculous!”

            “Do I?”

            “Of course! A girl like you would  never hit someone!”

            Fluttershy laughed. “You’re right! I’d be too scared! Too scared I’d break every bone in their face!”

            The entire room went silent, and then each and every one of them roared with laughter. Shining Armor nearly collapsed. When he recovered, he stood back up. Fluttershy gave him his nightstick back.

            “So you really are fine? I got a call that you were being abused.”

            “Abused? By my friends? Why?”

            “The only ones being abused here are these guys,” said Discord, pointing at the Ivans.

            “It is true! Ivan has lost all money!”

            “To her? Come on, she’s just a kid.”

            “Do not joke! Her skill is prodigious!”

            “Or you’re just that bad.”

            Ivan looked offended, but Discord leaned forward. “Well then, why don’t you join us?”

            “Can we?” said guard #3, looking excited.

            “I don’t know…”

            “I see,” said Fluttershy. “So you’re afraid you’ll lose?”

            “I never lose,” said Shining Armor. “Except in staring contests with my wife’s butt. You think you can take me?”

            “I’ve taken all of these guys. Several times. So yes. Yes I do.”

            Shining Armor smiled and picked up the table, putting it back on its legs. “Fine, then. You’re on.” lf. The �pyd[O
> Chapter 10: To Catch a (Not) Pervert
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day, Rainbow Dash was quite pleased with herself. She was absolutely sure that the police she had called anonymously would have arrested Discord and hauled him off to pedo-jail. They might even have tased him. She really hoped they tased him.

            Her surprise was impressive, therefore, when she turned a corner in the school and found Discord standing waist-deep in a hole he was digging.

            “Y- -you!” she cried. “What are you doing here! You’re supposed to be in pedo-jail!”

            Discord leaned over the handle of his shovel and grinned at her. “Why would I be in jail? I’m an upstanding, respectable citizen. I’ve never once broken the law.” A halo appeared over his head, which was actually him holding part of a pipe fitting with one of his arms behind his back. “I’m positively an angel!”

            “But- -but- -”

            Rainbow Dash sputtered, and Discord sighed.

            “Yes, well, I’m sure you have something TERRIBLY important to say to me. Like demanding I clean up yet another one of your messes or ‘actually put toilet paper in the bathroom’. But right now, I have important work to do.”

            With that, he sunk deep into the hole that he had been digging. Rainbow Dash stamped over to it, intending to pull him out, but saw that it led to nothing but a dark abyss below. She had no idea where he had gone, or even what he had been standing on.



            Rainbow Dash moved extremely quickly. It was actually one of her defining characteristics. Within seconds, she had made her way back to the room where her friends were sharing their lunch over a discussion of their next band’s proposed song.

            “It didn’t work!” she cried.

            “Oh,” said Twilight, “I thought a third chorus would balance it out pretty well…”

            “Not that! Discord! He’s still here! You’re stupid brother didn’t arrest him!”

            “Arrest him?” Sunset stood up. “You called the cops?”

            “Of course I called the cops! He’s molesting Fluttershy, and he was going to- -”

            A knock came at the door, and it was pushed open from outside. Fluttershy stepped into the room.

            “Sorry I’m late,” she said. “I needed to help Discord with something. He said he just needed to be inside a deep, warm hole, so I did what I could.”

            “He could have asked me,” muttered Pinkie Pie. “I love deep warm holes.” She paused, and then whispered under her breath, “so does Rainbow Dash.” Pinkie Pie then giggled to herself.

            “Fluttershy!” said Rainbow Dash. “You’re okay!”

            Fluttershy blinked. “Why wouldn’t I be, Rainbow Dash?”

            “Well, it’s just that, well, last night- -”

            “You mean when I took on an entire group of men at once?”

            The entire room gaped.

            “You didn’t,” said Rarity. “Fluttershy, that’s too much, you wouldn’t- -you COULDN’T- -”

            “Oh. Well, I did. I made almost six hundred dollars. And these things.” Fluttershy produced the two kiwi creatures from her pockets. One waved.

            “Hewwo, nice wady Fwutty-shy fwends!” it peeped.

            Fluttershy put them back in her pockets. “I had no idea making so much money was so easy! Or so fun…”

            “But…the police,” said Rainbow Dash. “They didn’t- -”

            “Oh, they showed up. Actually, your brother was there, Twilight.”

            “Shiny?” said Twilight, confused.

            “And they didn’t stop you?” asked Rarity.

            “Oh no. In fact, they joined in.”

            Twilight gaped. “Shin…Shining Armor…”

            “Your brother was REALLY good, Twilight,” said Fluttershy. “Oh. And his nightstick was really impressive, too. He let me hold it. It was so long and hard. I hadn’t seen any other than Discord’s until then, and his is short but really thick.” Fluttershy shrugged. “But I guess in the end they work for the same purpose, right?”

            Twilight at this point was sputtering. “But…Cadence…”

            “Actually, he said Cadence can come by next time. I think that will be fun. Supposedly she’s even better than me, and has played with lots more men. And a few women.”

            “But my sister in law…she can’t…she …” Twilight fell silent.

            “Did Discord say anything about me?” asked Pinkie Pie. “About how, you know, cute I am, and how much he secretly wants to bake my pie?”

            “I don’t know if Discord likes pie,” said Fluttershy. “And it would be weird if he thought you were cute. You’re really young.”

            “But…I’m only a year younger than you!”

            Fluttershy’s phone suddenly rang. She pulled it out of her pocket. “Excuse me,” she said. “Hello, this is Fluttershy, please don’t yell at me or I’ll cry.” She paused, and her eyes widened. “What? He ate an entire- -the whole thing? But how- -yes…yes, Dr. Fauna, I’ll be right there.” Fluttershy hung up and turned to her friends. “I have to go. Benjamin just ate…well, I don’t want to say, but he was a very bad little rattie. Socrates managed to get him to the doctor, but I need to get over there right now!”

            “For a rat?”

            “For a rat!” tears welled in Fluttershy’s eyes. “The poor little guy! I’m sorry!”

            She ran out of the room, leaving her friends alone.

            The stood in silence, and slowly, Rainbow Dash turned to her friends. “I…I tried,” she said. “Twilight, it looks like your brother’s in on it too.”

            “But my Shiny…he can’t…oh Celestia, what will I tell Cadence?”

            “That it’s her turn next, apparently,” said Pinkie. “I always thought Fluttershy had a screw loose, but I didn’t know that she was actually LOOSE.”

            “Franky,” said Applejack, who had been standing in the corner in shock, “I don’t even know what to say…”

            “I do!” said Rarity. “This is the last straw! I had hoped not to have to do this, but she’s forced my hand!”

            “You’re finally going to talk to Principal Celestia? Or even the other one?” asked Sunset.

            “No!” Rarity whipped out her phone. “I’m going to call Fluttershy’s mother!”

            “Are you kidding me?” said Rainbow Dash. “Have you met Fluttershy’s parents? They’re even more passive than she is!”

            “Not that mother,” said Rarity.

            Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened. “No. You can’t! Where did you even- -”

            “On a note on her refrigerator.”

            “You’re calling Fluttershy’s biological mother,” said Applejack. “Rarity, are you sure?”

            “More sure than I have ever been about anything ever since I was sure that plaid shorts were absolutely hideous.” Rarity typed the number into her phone and held it to her ear.

            It rang for a moment, and Rarity feared for a moment that no one would pick up. After a moment, though, a voice answered. The woman on the other line spoke with a low, sultry voice that immediately made several parts of Rarity’s body quiver. She did not sound at all like Fluttershy.

            “Hello?” said the voice on the other line.

            “Hello. I would like to speak to S. Veil please.”

            “You are speaking to her. I find it odd that a teenage girl is calling me. But I’m not complaining. For now.”

            Rarity shivered, not knowing how S. Veil knew that she was teenage. “It’s about your daughter, Fluttershy.”

            There was silence on the other side of the phone. “You didn’t kill her, did you?”

            Rarity gasped. “No, not at all!”

            “Then why are you wasting my time?”

            “Well, Ms. Veil, I have information that…that she might be…” Rarity took a deep breath, “that she is being repeatedly violated by our school janitor!”

            There was silence on the line. Then came laughter.

            “HA!” cried the voice, suddenly sounding far more harsh than before. “SO! My little fatty finally got laid! I didn’t think she had it in her!”

            Rarity sputtered. “But- -but- -she’s your daughter!”

            “No shyte! I was there when I pushed her out of me! But I figured that that flutterface would never managed to actually get a man to even think about touching her, let alone cramming her! I mean, have you seen her? She’s ugly and fat. Ugh. Worst daughter ever.”

            Rarity had started to turn red. Her friends did not know what was being said on the other side of the phone. “You- -you are a terrible person!”

            “I’m not a person, but that’s beside the point.”

            “You know she’s seventeen!”

            “So? I was about that age when I gave birth to her father.”

            Rarity cringed so hard she nearly dropped the phone. Mentally, she wished that the person on the other line was joking- -but from the tone in her voice, she knew that she was not.

            “That said,” said S. Veil, “maybe she can be useful for once in her life and pump me out some grandchildren. Who would also be my great grandchildren at the same time. You know what they say, incest is wincest. Which isn’t true. It ends up making, well, you’ve seen Fluttershy. Don’t do it.”

            “You- -you- -”

            S. Veil sighed. “And to be honest? Knowing that failure, I’d bet this is a ‘loving, caring relationship’. I didn’t get where I am today with ‘loving’ or ‘caring’. I got here by…well, offing everyone in my way, really. But that’s business. Fluttershy isn’t like that. She’s probably ‘in love’. And as much as I abhor the concept, who are we to deny that?”

            Rarity paused. “Do…do you really think that?”

            “You mean do I think he’s forcing her. No. She is my daughter. And my granddaughter. She’s slow, but she can be assertive when she needs to be. So yes. I really do think that.”

            “I never thought of it that way…”

            “That said, Rarity, you’ve been applying for an internship in my company, is that right?”

            Rarity’s eyes widened. “How do you know my name?”

            “Because I like them young and white. Congratulations. You’re approved.  You start in November.” She paused. “And wear that skirt. But just know you won’t be wearing it for very long.”

            “How…how do you know what I’m wearing?”

            “Look behind you.”

            Rarity did, and for a moment saw a flash of bloodshot eyes, red hair, and jaundiced yellow skin before the figure disappeared into a thick shrub. The line on her phone went dead.



            Rarity turned to Rainbow Dash and took a deep breath. “Rainbow Dash,” she said. “I tried my very best.”

            “At what? What did she say? Is she sending a bunch of soldiers to take Discord to FEMA camp or something?”

            “No. She didn’t. She isn’t going to do anything.”

            Rainbow Dash’s jaw dropped.

            “But- -”

            “You win.”

            “Well, yeah, I’m Rainbow Dash, but I don’t know what that has to do with this!”

            Rarity took another deep breath, and removed her diamond earrings. She handed them to Rainbow Dash.

            “Um, what are you doing?”

            “All my diamonds,” said Rarity, taking off her necklace. “That’s what I promised. If Fluttershy had a boyfriend before you. That was the bet. And I am a lady of my word.”

            “Boyfriend?! He isn’t her boyfriend!”

            Rarity reached high up under her sweater and removed two more rings. Then she removed her naval piercing and gave it to Rainbow Dash.

            “How many of those do you have?” asked Applejack.

            “Just one more,” said Rarity, reaching down the waistband of her skirt. She winced, and then removed one final ring, removing it and dropping it in Rainbow Dash’s hand. “You may want to wash that one before you use it yourself.”

            “I don’t believe this!” cried Rainbow Dash.

            “Um, it was kind of obvious,” said Sunset. “I mean, she told us she was getting it pierced like, four months ago- -”

            “Not that! That you’re just giving up like that!” Rainbow Dash stormed toward the door. “I don’t believe this! You’re just giving up on Fluttershy like that! Well FINE! I’ll take care of this myself!”

            They all watched her go, and Twilight slid off of where she was sitting. “I have something I can try too,” she said. “Just to be sure.” She ran toward the door, leaving the others behind.

            “Well, great,” said Sunset. “There goes our song.”

            “I just can’t believe Rarity had piercings in her ni- -,” started Pinkie Pie.

            “It’s not that uncommon,” said Rarity, looking at Applejack who blushed slightly. “A girl can never have too many diamonds. Unless it is a nose ring.” Rarity shivered. “Or even worse…an eyebrow piercing. As long as Fluttershy does not end up wearing either of those abominations, I think I can tolerate her relationship. As disgusting as it may be.”



            Twilight was a remarkably rational girl. There were many things she did not understand, though, and the largest among them was social interaction. It just did not make sense. However, she had acquiesced to her friends and avoided taking a logical course of action and instead done as they told her. Now, though, she wanted to at last try what she had wanted to do from eh start.

            To this end, she found herself sitting in the a chair in front of a desk in a small, stuffy office. The blinds on the windows were closed, letting in only a tiny amount of light. Across from her sat Vice Principal Luna, the head of all disciplinary action in all of Canterlot High. She did not look happy at all, but she never really did. Everyone on the campus was afraid of her.

            Twilight sat in silence after she had informed Luna of the situation. Luna sat, staring through the darkness of the room. Her eyes almost seemed luminescent. Then, slowly, she adjusted the moon pendant on her collar. Twilight found herself wondering if the rumors were true and it really was a piece of obsidian into which active diamonds had been sunk.

            “I think I understand the situation,” she said at last.

            “You do?”

            “Yes. In fact, I believe I have a fundamental understanding of her emotional state.”

            “From your experience in psychology?”

            “My experience is in art. And conquest.”

            “Of…men?”

            “Unfortunately, no. They apparently consider me ‘dark’ and ‘gloomy’ and ‘terrifying’,” she said, rolling her eyes and making air quotes.

            “I don’t know what to say to that.”

            “Of course not. You’re young and pretty. But my- -I mean Fluttershy’s- -situation is different.”

            “But Fluttershy is widely considered the prettiest girl in the school.” Twilight picked up her notes. “I took a poll.”

            “Of course. But that doesn’t really matter, does it?”

            “It doesn’t?”

            “No.” Luna leaned forward. “The problem is parental involvement. You see, this is where her and I are kindred spirits. I know what it is like to be rejected by your parents. To strive every day at creating things of beauty only to have your parents full attention showered on your ‘superior’ sister. The prettier one. The more BEUTIFIUL one. To watch as they glorify every little one of her successes while completely ignoring all of your deep-seated emotional struggles and accomplishments until you eventually snap and dress in leather and join a biker gang and attempt a hostile takeover of the school only to be literally and figuratively beaten by the very woman who stole all of your parent’s love and then be forced into a little stinking office with a perfunctory administrative role because you can’t find work anywhere else with your criminal record even though you’re six years older than her and have two bachelor’s degrees while she didn’t even graduate high school- -”

            By this time, Luna’s sharp nails were digging into the wood of her desk and she was starting to breathe heavily.

            “Um,” said Twilight, “I don’t know if that’s what Fluttershy’s problem is…”

            “Fluttershy?” Luna seemed to calm slightly. “Yes, well, no. But the problem is the same, basically. And if one of our staff is molesting one of our students we will take it very seriously. But of course I need to do a thorough investigation myself.”

            “Of course. I just want to be sure she’s okay.”

            “Indeed,” said Luna. “If I find something amiss, my judgement shall be swift and my retribution violent. None shall be left standing against the might of  the hammer of my divine discipline!”

            “O…kay?” Twilight backed up on her chair slightly, wondering if this had been such a good idea.



            Luna left her office shortly after Twilight had and went down the hall. She tapped on one of the doors and then opened it.

            “…and that’s why you never open a can with your eyelids,” grunted the teacher, one C.D. Donkey, or as his students called him, “Cranky Doodle Ass”. He turned to the door. “What do you want?”

            “Fluttershy.”

            “Well get in line, half the school does.” He pointed across the room. “Which one of you buttfaces is ‘Fluttershy’?”

            Futtershy raised her hand, and Mr. Donkey pointed toward the door. Fluttershy got up and stepped outside with Luna, the door closing behind her.

            “Am I in trouble?” she asked.

            “No,” said Luna. She looked Fluttershy in the eye. “Have you been having sex with Discord?”

            “No,” said Fluttershy.

            “Excellent,” said Luna, turning and returning to her office. “Carry on with your class.”



            Discord could not stop laughing. As the groundskeeper, it was his duty to keep the grounds. In pursuit of this duty, he had constructed a number of deadfall traps throughout the grounds. After his sojourn to the school’s Secret Basement (every high school had them, regardless of what the teachers said), he had retreated to the area in the front of the school where he was repainting the lawn. As he did, he watched as various students ignored his warnings (not verbal, or even written, but rather mental) to stay off the grass and fell into numerous deep holes, a few of which led to the Secret Basement itself.

            It was while he was doing this that he suddenly became aware of a presence. A strange scent of bubblegum and deep-seated psychological issues wafted over the land, and Discord knew that he was not alone. Slowly, he turned around. As he did, he found a wide-eyed pink girl wearing the skimpiest clothing that the moderators would allow standing unnervingly close to him.

            “You’re in my bubble,” he said.

            “Not yet,” she said, grinning far more widely than any person should have been able to. “But I’d like to be.”

            “I’m afraid I don’t know what that means.”

            The pink girl leaned closer, and Discord took a step back. “Stranger danger!” he exclaimed. “I need an adult!”

            “You are an adult,” said Pinkie Pie. “And I’m just a little teenage girl.”

            “Well, it would be strange if you were in high school and not a teenager. Like that gray girl with the muffins. I’m pretty sure she’s twenty four.”

            “Nope. Under eighteen. Does that turn you on?”

            “Very little turns me on these days, I’m afraid,” sighed Discord. “After all, I’m quite old. At my age, the most exciting thing a man can do is go to the home improvement store and look at new lawnmowers.”

            “You can cut my lawn,” said the pink girl. “You can cut it as much as you want…or let it grow long. I don’t mind it either way.” She leaned in closer. “And I promise it tastes like bubblegum.”

            “Eew,” said Discord. “That’s somewhat disturbing.”

            “I know you like it pink.” The girl grabbed her skirt. “I’d flash you, but standards won’t allow it. Unless, you know, you were to hit me with a weed-eater and then cover my arms and legs in spaghetti noodles. Ohhhhh spaghetti…then you could take a peek.”

            “That’s oddly specific and a waste of spaghetti.”

            “What, you’ve never covered a girl in spaghetti?”

            “I didn’t say that, of course. But not you. That would be weird.”

            The girl looked dejected. “You mean you don’t want to see what flavor my pie is?”

            “Banana cream?”

            The girl smiled. “It’s about to be.”

            She lunged forward. Discord, with his extensive witcher training, was easily able to dodge her advance. “No thank you,” he said. “I have to watch my girlish figure.”

            “Why won’t you watch MY girlish figure!” cried the girl, suddenly. “Come on! Party with me! I know you want to! Chocolate milk, cotton candy clothing, dipping in tapioca pudding! All the things my daddy would never do to me!”

            Discord and the girl both looked surprised. “Um…what was that last part?”

            “Nothing,” said the girl. She looked up at him. “Why Fluttershy but not me?”

            “Because frankly you are creeping me out. And I once lived in a sub-basement with cockroaches so big that they ate seagulls. Until the guy who owned it found out I was living under his bed, anyway, but that’s another story. You, though, scare me.” He paused. “That, and the rules clearly state that human and anthro minors in sexual situations are strictly forbidden!”

            “But you’re porking Fluttershy!”

            Discord blinked. “Whoever said that?”

            “I did!”

            Dramatic music played from somewhere unseen, and Discord and Pinkie Pie both turned to see Rainbow Dash standing near the school flagpole.

            “Where did that music come from?” asked Pinkie.

            “I’ve learned to stop asking questions like that a long time ago,” said Discord.

            “Pinkie Pie, step away from the pervert,” demanded Rainbow Dash.

            “Okie dokie lokai,” said Pinkie, stepping sideways and immediately dropping into a deadfall trap.

            “Oh my,” said Discord. “I forgot I made that one. Assuming it is one of mine.”

            “Discord!” said Rainbow Dash. “I’m calling you out!”

            “I must decline,” said Discord, smirking. “I’m not terribly interested in middle school girls.”

            “Yes you are! And I’m not in middle school! Why would you- -” Rainbow Dash suddenly blushed and covered her chest. “You were looking at my boobs!”

            “I cannot look at something that does not yet exist,” said Discord. “That’s simple physics. Now, if you would, could you explain to me why my day is going so very strangely? I was just about to paint the benches with glue…well, the rest of them.” He pointed to where Lyra and Bon Bon were both affixed to a bench, with Lyra lying down on it as though she were some sort of horse.

            “You know what you did!”

            “No I don’t. I know nothing. Nothing at all. Or so Socrates said. Not the philosopher. Fluttershy’s rat.”

            “Fluttershy is the problem!”

            Discord gasped. “That’s no way to talk about your friend!”

            “That’s exactly the problem! She IS my friend, and you’re hurting her!”

            Discord gasped again. “Hurting Fluttershy? You do realize that in certain dimensions that is a crime punishable by cruel death, or at the very least a thorough waxing? I would never dream of hurting my adorable little friend!”

            “Liar!” Rainbow Dash’s fist clenched. “You- -you did things to her! Things that were- -were- -”

            “Were what?”

            Rainbow Dash gritted her teeth. She did not want to say it, but her rage got the better of her. “THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO!”

            The entire school- -or at least the portion that had congregated around the screaming blue girl- -stared and gawked. Even Pinkie Pie poked her head out of the deadfall trap that she had been hiding in, eating some cake that she had found in the bottom.

            “Oh my,” said Discord. “Are you saying- -”

            “Did the fact that I’m covered in rainbows not make it clear? Yes, I like chicks! So what? Is that wrong?”

            “Not at all,” said Discord. “I like chicks as well. Especially when they are smeared in peanut butter.”

            “I can be smeared in peanut butter,” whispered Pinkie Pie, stroking one of Discord’s feet.

            “I had it all planned out! We were both going to turn eighteen, and on her birthday I was going to ask her to prom! She was going to say yes, and we’d go and dance and she’s wear a really pretty dress that Rarity would make for her. Then we’d go home and I’d strip that dress off, and we’d lose our virginity together and then get married! How am I supposed to do that now?!”

            “I don’t think Fluttershy’s a lesbian.”

            “It doesn’t matter anymore! You took all of that away from us!”

            “Or do you mean from you?” Discord shrugged. “If you felt this way, it probably would have been better to declare your feelings. That’s what I do.”

`           “That’s exactly the problem,” growled Rainbow Dash. She reached into her pocket and pulled out an object. There was a flick, and the metal blade of the switchblade extended.

            “Whoa whoa whoa!” said Pinkie Pie, pulling herself out of the ground. “Rainbow, Rainbow, stop right there! You can’t do that!”

            “Like nuts I can’t.”

            “No! Seriously! You can’t have a switchblade in school! And you can’t- -Rainbow Dash, this is crazy! And I know crazy! You need to calm down!”

            “I’ll calm down when I shank him in the BUTT!”

            Rainbow Dash screamed and charged forward. Discord did not move. He was leaning on his shovel and yawned, not seeming to care.

            Chaos ensued and ensued quickly. After two steps, Rainbow Dash stepped on a rake hidden in the grass. The handle shot up and smashed into her face.

            “GAH!” she cried, stepping backward. She immediately fell backward over the handle of a wheelbarrow, and one of the bolts holding the wheel on gave way at that very moment. The wheel went rolling across the grass and up a small hill. Rainbow Dash and the wheelbarrow fell backward, and she tumbled through an open back of manure that Discord had been spreading before coming to a rest back near the flag pole.

            “You did that on purpose!” she cried, trying to wipe her eyes.

            “I didn’t do anything,” said Discord. He looked over his shoulder, where the wheel had rolled up the hill and was staring to come back down. “But frankly as a member of staff I feel a duty to do something about this. Having a knife in school. That’s sure to get you…suspended.”

            The wheel immediately rolled by his foot and slowly approached Rainbow Dash. She watched it as it slowly rolled and tapped the base of the flagpole, causing the lower mechanism to release. One of the hooks immediately gave way and snapped upward, entangling her skirt as it did.

            There was a ripping sound. The skirt went up to the top of the flag pole, but Rainbow Dash remained at the bottom. The eyes of everyone watching- -but especially Rainbow Dash- -went wide as they looked down at where her skirt had been.

            “Well cover me in butter and call me Celestia,” said Discord. “I was sure that that pun would come to fruition.”

            Rainbow Dash let out a high scream and covered her crotch. “You- -you monster! You pervert! Don’t look at me! DON’T LOOK AT ME!”

            “Um…you do realize that you’re wearing spandex shorts, don’t you? They’re not even short. They go to your mid calves.”

            “STOP LOOKING!” Rainbow Dash suddenly burst into tears and started running away. “All I wanted was Fluttershy to love me!”



            Celestia sat in her office, mostly naked. Not for any particular reason; it was just her school, so she figured she could wear whatever she wanted. She was sitting at her desk drinking a tall bottle of cider and flipping through the school’s newly installed security system. Since she did not actually do anything for most of the day, she mostly liked to spy on the students.

            The cameras were small and stored in all high-risk areas. Celesiat’s favorites were the one that looked at the dessert section of the school cafeteria and the one in the boy’s locker room showers.

            “Oh my Flash Sentry,” she said, chuckling to herself. “I think you’re a security risk with guns like those…”

            The door suddenly flew open. Luna rushed in. “Sister!”

            Celestia looked up. “Luna.”

            Luna looked down and gowned. “You’re partially naked again.”

            “So? My office, my school, my sexy Celestia body. Did you know that my name is a swear word? I’m basically a god.”

            “Goddess.”

            “Why thank you.”

            Luna rolled her eyes. “Did you know that there is a commotion going on in front of ‘your’ school right now?”

            “Is somebody doing it?”

            “No. There are rules against that.”

            Celestia sighed and changed the channel again, flipping through four high resolution stations of the dessert preparation area of the school kitchen, six more hidden images of the boy’s locker room, one picture of the hall in which Maud Pie was staring into the camera, and then finally to a grainy picture of the front lawn.

            “Looks fine to me.”

            “Look closer.”

            Celestia leaned in closer. She saw Rainbow Dash trip over a rake, and then fall into manure.

            “Hah!” said Celestia. “Oh Rainbow Dash, so clumsy.”

            Then the flag pole suddenly shot up, taking Rainbow Dash’s skirt with it and hanging it high in the air like a flag.

            “I remember that happened to you,” sighed Celestia.

            “Yes. Because you were the one who did it to me. After you convinced me it was no-underwear Thursday.”

            “When you’re principal, every day is no-underwear Thursday.”

            Luna winced. “Remind me to have the janitor steam clean your chair. Or burn it.”

            On the video, Rainbow Dash suddenly ran off screen.

            “She does realize that she’s wearing spandex shorts, doesn’t she?” said Luna.

            “Rainbow Dash is paradoxically slow,” said Celestia. She chuckled to herself, and then frowned. Her eyes widened with shock and she nearly pushed her nose into the screen. “Who is that that?”

            “I can’t see. Your enormous head is in my way.”

            “That! There!” Celestia pointed. Luna leaned in close.

            “That would be the janitor,” she said. “Discord.”

            “DISCORD?! What in the name of my own sexy, firm, perfectly shaped BUTT is he doing in front of my school?!” Celestia stood up suddenly, and Luna nearly vomited before Celestia was actually able to get her trousers. The chair, she knew, was indeed ruined.

            “You hired him, dear sister.”

            “I would never hire that ugly, no good, cheating stoner loser  half-baked MORON! You must have done it!”

            “I don’t handle hiring. You sign those papers.”

            “Those papers? You know I don’t read those! You should have said something!”

            “About what? I’m six years older than you. I have no idea who he is.”

            “Let’s get this straight, I’M the big sister!”

            “Yes, in dress size. But only around the bottom half.”

            “You’re just jealous because you have that weird birthmark!”

            “As opposed to a gaudy sun tattoo? Don’t think I don’t know, sister. I’ve seen you naked far more times than any man has.”

            “Except maybe THAT fool,” said Celestia, pointing at the TV set.

            Luna groaned. “Ohhhh…so that is how this is going to go now. I’ll get the mop, I suppose.”

            “Bring him to me,” said Celestia. “Ideally as beaten as possible.”

            “We don’t beat janitors anymore.”

            “He’s not a janitor. As of this moment, he’s fired.”

            “Because he just strung up a girl’s skirt on the flagpole, or because he disassembled your car and reassembled it in the handicapped stall in the basement bathroom?”

            Celestia blinked. “Since when do we have a basement?”

            “Every high school has a basement. A Secret Basement. I lived there for several years. Not that you would take an interest in my life, though.”

            “I don’t care because I wasn’t listening. Get the janitor, and call the police. He just assaulted a student. He’s going to jail. FOREVER.”

            Luna sighed. “As you wish, sister.”   �    �DyLG[
> Chapter 11: And Sunset Does Not
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“To be absolutely honest, I feel much better not worrying,” said Rarity. She was walking alongside Applejack and Twilight up a relatively calm path through the woods outside of town. It was not in the area where Fluttershy lived, but rather near one of the darker state forests that everyone tended to avoid. It was pretty, but oddly foreboding.

            “About Fluttershy, or about the fact that this place is supposedly filled with haints?” asked Applejack, looking out at the trees nervously.

            “Darling, of course Fluttershy. I mean, perhaps I was being far too judgmental. If I were to have a relationship that were to get physical in that way, would I want her trying to interfere with my business?” She paused. “I suppose it’s just a frame of mind sort of thing. Also, the supernatural are not real.”

            “No,” said Twilight. “They are. I mean, I’ve done most of my recent research on magic and yeah, it’s there. There’s no telling what it could be used for either. I mean, just last week I discovered a gas that turns things inside out.”

            “My,” said Rarity, “that must be excellent for laundry.”

            “Or as a diagnostic instrument,” said Twilight. “So, yes. This place is super haunted.”

            “This doesn’t make me feel better,” said Applejack.

            The path grew thinner, and for a moment it vanished in a patch of ferns. Then, suddenly, the trio broke through the brush and stumbled into a small campsite.

            Spike looked up from the large bone he was gnawing on. “Twilight!” he said, his little dog-tail wagging.

            “Spike! There you are!” Twilight knelt down and Spike jumped into her arms. He hugged him. “See?” she said, turning to Rarity. “Talking dog. Just because ghosts are scientifically explainable doesn’t mean they aren’t going to try to do ghost things to you.”

            “Like what?” asked Applejack.

            “There aren’t ghosts here,” said Spike. “But I’m pretty sure I smelled bigfoot the other day.”

            “Really? What did he smell like?”

            “Like big feet.”

            “Big foot ain’t supernatural,” said Applejack. “He’s real as the hair on Rarity’s chest.”

            “Applejack! That’s a legitimate medical condition!”

            “Actually, him and I have a bit of a feud going on. So if I see him, we’re gonna have more issues than Pinkie Pie’s mental health.”

            “Has everything been okay out here, Spike?” asked Twilight.

            “Sure. There’s plenty of squirrels to chase. And I own all these trees now. They’re mine. Don’t touch them.”

            There was a rustling in the bushes, and Rarity squealed.

            “It’s bigfoot!” she cried. “I don’t know if I can handle the idea of a nonstandard shoe size!”

            “I’m not bigfoot,” said Sunset as she stepped into the camp.

            “Sunset!” cried Twilight. “There you are!”

            “I was just checking layout,” she said, dropping a box of objects on the ground. “And getting these.”

            “Sensors,” said Twilight, putting Spike down and picking them up. “You’ve been making these?”

            “I’ve been doing my best. That’s why I needed all of your help. There’s a lot of them, and I have to set them up in accordance with the correct schematic for the reception spell to work.”

            “And how long is that going to take, exactly?” asked Applejack.

            “With all six of us, and hour tops.”

            “Then why did you set up a whole camp?”

            Sunset looked at the tent and the fire and various empty cans of beans. “Oh. I didn’t set this up for that.”

            “Then what did you set it up for?”

            “This is where I live.”

            They stared at her. “Come again?” said Applejack.

            “I materialized in your dimension in the body of a twelve year old girl. I couldn’t exactly get a job to, you know, pay for rent. And it’s not like I have parents here.”

            “So you’ve been living in the woods since- -”

            “For the last five years,” said Sunset. She shrugged. “You get used to it I guess. Mostly. You never get used to how cold it gets in the winter…”

            “You could have said something!” said Rarity. “I’d have been glad to take you in!”

            “Me too!” said Applejack. “Any of us, really!”

            “Since last year. Before then, though, I was, well, unpleasant. Nobody liked me. So I had to live in the woods.” Sunset shrugged again. “At least I didn’t have to make a bed out of books in the second story of the school library.”

            Twilight’s eyes widened. “I have fantasies about that,” she whispered.  “Ideally with a man triple my age, also covered in icing. And tied to a table in my party basement. With icing.”

            “I have fantasies about being covered in icing and getting totally baked,” said Pinkie Pie.

            The others paused for a moment, each of them unconsciously wondering where exactly Pinkie Pie had been up until that point.

            “Plus,” continued Sunset, “since the Elder Priests used to perform sacrifices in this forest, the magic charge is pretty good. I mean, a baby in Equestria has several thousand times the magical residue without ANY sacrifices, but this is pretty good for earth. Or wherever the heck we are.”

            “If this is earth, does that make Applejack and earth earth-human?” Pinkie Pie paused. “Or…am I an earth earth-human?” She slowly dropped to the ground and laid on it. “Do I have solidary with dirt?” Her eyes went misty as she put some of it in her mouth and chewed it. “It tastes so earthy…”

            “Pinkie!” snapped Applejack. “Stop being weird!”

            “I’ve actually been doing magic here for a while,” said Sunset. “Actually, I can show you!” She got on the ground and crawled into her ragged tent. There was a sound of beer cans and vodka bottles rolling around, and she emerged with a stained cardboard box. “See? I’ve been harvesting whatever magical artifacts I can get.”

            “Sunset,” laughed Twilight. “Magic is a field effect brought on by concentrated transdimensional energy. It doesn’t come from ‘artifacts’?”

            “Says you.” Sunset reached into the box. “I’ve got everything. Graveyard dust, unicorn hair- -my own, of course- -the blood of a Black Fiend, bullets from a Carcano rifle, a shard of the Doomsword- -and this!” She pulled out something that looked like a badly cut square piece of metal covered in partial graffiti. There was a large whole in the center.

            “And what exactly is that?” asked Rarity, looking somewhat disgusted.

            “Well, I was trying to get a Hand of Glory, but I couldn’t find one. So I went down to the public restroom in the park and sawzawed this out of one of the stalls instead!”

            Pinkie Pie giggled. “So that means it’s a HOLE of- -”

            “We all know what it is, Pinkie!” snapped Applejack.

            “I don’t,” said Twilight.

            “Trust me,” said Spike. “You’d rather not.”

            “Unless you’re a Steel Panther fan,” added Pinkie Pie.

            They were all interrupted by a sound of running through the woods.

            “Is that bigfoot?” whispered Applejack. “Sunset, do you have a gun?”

            “No,” said Sunset.

            “She does,” said Spike. “But that’s not bigfoot. It smells too much like spandex and about…oh, ten, fifteen gallons of that gross body spray that women hate.”

            “Thank you!” said Rarity. “Nobody believed me!”

            Rainbow Dash suddenly burst into the camp. She was covered in thorns and scratches, and quite clearly had been crying. Confused, she looked around. The others realized that she was not wearing her skirt.

            “Rainbow Dash,” said Pinkie. “You do realize you’re wearing spandex shorts right now, don’t you?”

            “And they’re actually rather fetching,” said Rarity. “Frankly the fact that you live such an athletic lifestyle but wear a skirt always bothered me.”

            Rainbow Dash covered her crotch. “Please don’t look at me.”

            “Rainbow,” said Applejack, “we have all literally seen you naked.”

            “Even I’ve seen you naked,” added Spike. “And I still have nightmares. Just because I’m a dog doesn’t mean I tolerate nudity. Despite the fact that I am myself nude right now.”

            “Have a skirt,” said Rarity, tossing Rainbow Dash one.

            “Thanks,” said Rainbow Dash, sounding more grateful than she ever had before.

            “Um…where did you get that?” asked Sunset.

            “I always carry several,” said Rarity. “You never know when you are going to have a skirt emergency.”

            “I just wear pants,” said Sunset. “Mostly because I don’t have a razor to shave my legs.”

            “Bah!” said Applejack. “That’s for sissies!”

            “And for blondes,” muttered Rarity.

            “What’s that supposed to mean?”

            Rainbow Dash stepped between them and sat down on one of the logs that made up Sunset’s furniture. Twilight sat next to her.

            “Rainbow, what happened?”

            “I accidentally declared my lesbian love for Fluttershy in front of the whole school,” she said. “And then Discord tore my skirt off and hung it from the flag pole, and everybody saw everything. Today has been the worst day of my life. EVER.”

            “For one,” said Rarity, “you are in fact wearing shorts. You do know that, right?”

            “Second,” said Applejack, “everyone already knew you had a weird thing for Fluttershy.”

            Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened. “They- -they did? HOW?!”

            “In case you haven’t noticed, you’ve had your hair dyed rainbows since the third grade. Also, I’ve seen you looking at my butt. To be absolutely honest I would look at it too, my haunches are excellent.”

            “What…you mean you all…”

            “Darling,” said Rarity, sitting beside Rainbow Dash and taking her hand. “We all knew.”

            “Even I knew,” said Twilight, “and I’ve only known you for like three months.”

            “Applejack even considered asking you to homecoming,” said Pinkie Pie.

            Applejack turned several shades of scarlet. “I did not! I would sooner date my brother than I’d date Rainbow Dash!”

            Pinkie Pie chuckled. “Exactly…”

            “But Discord hanging your skirt on the flagpole?” said Sunset. “That seems a little extreme. Are you sure it happened that way?”

            “Well, no, I just sort of…” Rainbow Dash put her head in her hands. “I just sort of saw red. I love Fluttershy. More than I love myself, and that’s saying something. What he was doing to her, I just saw red…and I pulled a knife on him…”

            The entire group gasped. Even Pinkie Pie did, if only for the sake of solidarity. She had, of course, been there.

            “You WHAT?!” cried Rarity.

            “That- -that’s an instant expulsion!” cried Twilight. “Rule four, subsection G, one point two! ‘No dangerous weapons are permitted on the school grounds or in the school building, including but not limited to- -’”

            “Rainbow.” Sunset knelt down in front of Rainbow Dash and put her hands on the girl’s shoulders. “You know how serious that is, right?”

            Rainbow Dash looked dup at her and nodded slowly. “I do now. But he was molesting Fluttershy…I had to at least try…and now I’m a humiliated mess.” She lowered her head. “I guess I should just live out here in the woods like a dirty hobo.”

            “Yeah,” said Sunset, flatly. “Because that’s the kind of people who live in the woods.”

            They paused and all sat together for some time, occasionally talking about what Rainbow Dash needed to do next as well as some metaphysical considerations about whether actions in this world actually resulted in consequences. By this time, both Sunset and Twilight had utilized uncontrollable magic to manifest demonic forms of themselves and put hundreds of lives in jeopardy, and nothing disciplinary seemed to have been done against them. Rainbow Dash pulling a switchblade was probably far less severe than that.

            As they were preparing canned beans- -Sunset’s sole source of food- -a strange sound wafted over the land. It was distant at first, but then rose to a horrible scream.

            “What was that?” said Spike.

            “You don’t know? You’re the dog!” cried Applejack.

            “That doesn’t mean I know everything! Sunset?”

            “I don’t think all that naked dancing and sacrificing was supposed to summon a demon,” she said, nervously, “but then again I don’t really know how magic is supposed to work in this dimension.”

            “And you did it anyway?!” cried Applejack.

            “Well it’s easier in Equestria! You just sacrifice cake to the Sun Goddess!”

            Suddenly, the sky darkened as something massive and hairy leapt over the camp.

            “BIGFOOT!” cried Rarity.

            Instead of one big foot, though, four hooved feet landed beside her. The group stared up at an enormous elk standing over them. It opened its mouth and released the most horrible sound that any of them except Pinkie Pie had ever heard.

            Fluttershy jumped down from its back, and then proceeded to hug it. “Thank you Jeremy,” she said. The elk nodded and leapt back into the brush, and Fluttershy dusted herself off.

            “Come back!” cried Sunset, standing up suddenly. “Be my venison! I need protein or I’m going to die!”

            “Just eat your hair,” said Pinkie Pie. “It’s made of bacon after all.”

            “You’re about to be my bacon in a second!”

            “So you want to pork me? Get in line.”

            Fluttershy trotted over to them. “Guys!” she said. “Something really really bad happened!”

            “Aside from me getting stripped in front of the whole school?”

            “No, worse!”

            “How can it get worse than that?!”

            “Discord- -he’s been ARRESTED!”

            The entire group turned their full attention to Fluttershy.

            “What happened?” asked Twilight.

            “The police came! They found him with Rainbow Dash’s skirt on the flagpole and twenty six students in holes dug in the ground! And then they found a switchblade and they said he was going to shake someone- -”

            “But that’s not his knife!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash.

            “Of course not! Discord doesn’t need a knife, he’s Discord! But they took him away and…and…” Fluttershy was starting to sob. She suddenly crouched down, which was not exactly a good position for someone wearing a skirt. “And he’s going to be all alone and cold! He’ll be scared and confused, and he didn’t even do anything WRONG!”

            The group was silent for a long moment.

            “Well,” said Applejack at last. “He did strip Rainbow Dash’s skirt off.”

            “No he didn’t,” said Pinkie Pie. “She totally did that to herself because she’s super clumsy when she’s not playing with balls.”

            “Discord liked playing with balls,” said Fluttershy, wiping her eyes on her skirt. “And he showed me how to do it. He said I was good at it but I think he was lying.”

            “Well,” said Rarity, “what he was doing, it wasn’t exactly…well…legal, was it now?”

            Fluttershy looked up at her with tear-filled eyes. She appeared as confused as she was sad. “Why would you say that? He never did anything wrong. Sure, he smelled kind of funny and could be a little weird, but he has a good heart once you get to know him!”

            “It’s just that…well…what you and him were doing together…”

            “What were we doing together?” Fluttershy now looked absolutely confused.

            “You know…things.”

            “She means you were having sex with him,” said Spike. The entire group looked at him in shock. “What?” he said. “I’m like twenty in dog years. I’ve had sex. With Rarity’s leg. Annnnd that right there is why dogs aren’t supposed to talk…”

            “What?” said Fluttershy. “That’s ridiculous! Why would you think something like that?”

            “Because, um, you ARE?” snapped Rainbow Dash.

            Fluttershy frowned. “I think I would know if I were having sexual intercourse. One, I pride myself in my chastity. Two, I prefer women. Three, he’s like a father figure to me. And despite my biological ‘mother’s’ best efforts, I would never do that sort of thing with my dad.”

            “Ha!” cried Pinkie Pie. “Generational sandwich!” She paused. “Which would make your dad the meat…”

            “Pinkie, don’t be vulgar,” said Rarity. She turned wide-eyed to Fluttershy. “But we heard you! In the bathroom- -”

            “When I helped him unclog a toilet?”

            “Ha!” said Applejack. “I told you you shouldn’t eat those fat-free chips, Rarity!”

            “But in your house- -the backdoor, your beaver- -”

            “You mean my literal back door, as in to my house? And the beavers you know I rescue? And what were you even doing in my house anyway?” She shook her head. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you! You’re all my very best friends! I thought you would know me a little better than this!”

            “It’s not that,” said Sunset. “It’s just that all the things we heard- -”

            “And you didn’t stop to ask me? I know I’m quiet but that doesn’t mean I don’t exist. If you had concerns about my relationship with Discord you could have just talked to me.” She pulled her knees up to her face. “Not that it matters now. He was my friend, and now I’m never going to see him again, and he’s going to have to spend the rest of his life behind bars because I didn’t clear up a misunderstanding.”

            “No!” said Rainbow Dash, standing up suddenly. “Fluttershy, I believe you!”

            “You do?”

            “Of course I do! I’ve been a total idiot!”

            “So what else is new,” said Applejack, rolling her eyes.

            “It isn’t his fault! It was me! That was my knife!”

            “A knife?” Fluttershy gasped. “Rainbow, why would you have that sort of thing?!”

            “Because I was trying to protect you. You’re all soft and vulnerable and stuff…and kind of hot.”

            Fluttershy blushed. “Oh. Well. I am certainly soft.”

            Rainbow Dash turned to her friends. “I can’t just let him take the blame for something I did.”

            “And I cannot forgive myself either,” said Rarity.

            “For what?”

            “For having such a dirty mind, of course! All those perfectly innocent things, and where does my mind go? To sex!” She tapped her fists against her head. “I might as well live in the woods with Sunset like a dirty, dirty savage!”

            “Gee,” said Sunset, darkly. “Thanks.”

            “I think we can still help him,” said Rainbow Dash. She extended a hand to Fluttershy, who took it. “But I’m going to need all of your help to do it!”

            “I already told you,” said Rarity, standing up. “I have to atone for this! I can’t- -I just can’t process this in the present state. I just can’t.”

            “I’m always in for fightin’ the system,” said Applejack.

            “And if he’s not poking Fluttershy, then he can start frosting my cake!” said Pinkie, gleefully. “And I LOVE frosted cakes!”

            “Sunset? Twilight?”

            “It was going to be a cold night here anyway,” sighed Sunset. “I was probably going to freeze to death. Again.”

            “And I’m a compulsive follower,” said Twilight, adjusting her glasses. “So I’m okay.”

            “Me two!” said Spike. “I’ve barely even been in on all of this, so I figure I should get to do SOMETHING!”

            “Right,” said Rainbow Dash. “Let’s do this!” She pumped her fist, but then slowly turned to Fluttershy. “Um…did you also say you dig chicks?”

            “Yes. And right now, you’re starting to look pretty impressive…”

            Rainbow Dash let out a nearly inaudible squeak as she screamed with joy internally.   "'>
> Chapter 13: Why did I Even Write This?
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The plan unfolded, albeit slowly. The town in which Canterlot High resided- -it did not have a name- -had a reasonably good sized police station. The town jail was in the basement, while the upper portion contained the offices of the various officers that milled about and did police things.

            This day was no different. People milled about slowly; not much crime was committed in this unnamed town in general. Two officers sat at the front desk being bored. One of them had his hand down his pants.

            “I’m not one to judge,” said the other. “But what are you doing?”

            “There’s a lump. I’m dying. It’s testicular cancer.”

            “There isn’t a lump. You just went to the doctor.”

            “But what if there is? Can you check it?”

            “No.”

            “Why not?”

            “Because I failed out of medical school for a reason.”

            “Why?”

            “Because I’m a dullard and my head is full of wet cotton. Or at least that’s what the doctors told me.”

            “But what if they cut it off?”

            “My head? I don’t know. I’d lose my cotton.”

            “No, my nut! I’d be nutless!”

            “But safer for allergy sufferers.”

            “Huh…I didn’t think of that…”

            At that point, a girl in a brown mail uniform approached their desks. They smiled, as they were familiar with her. She looked at both of them- -at the same time, on account of her eyes- -and smiled.

            “Delivery!” she said, setting a package on the front desk.

            “What is it? A bomb?”

            “I hope not,” said the girl. “The last time that happened I got in BIG trouble. I just don’t know what went wrong!”

            “You delivered a water melon full of C4 to Celestia’s doorstep.”

            “I blame Luna.”

            “But we don’t have suspects.”

            “Which one of us is talking right now?”

            “I have no idea.”

            The girl, now thoroughly confused, left. The two officers opened the box.

            “Most excellent!” said the first. “Brownies!” He picked up the tag attached to the box and read it. “Huh. Courtesy of Pinkie Pie. That’s a terrible name for a daughter, isn’t it? Oh well. Brownies!”

            “And I thought I was going to have to eat grass and little rocks for lunch today,” said the second. “Let me cut that- -MOVING!”

            He screamed and jumped out of his chair. He was sure that he would look down and see that a vicious marmot had been attempting to mount his leg, but instead saw an adorable green and violet puppy.

            “Doggy!” he said, reaching down and picking up the dog.

            “Hey wait a minute,” said the other. “Isn’t it weird that there’s a dog here? I mean, shouldn’t we do something about that?”

            “No, of course not. We’re the local police,” said the other. “Not the ATF.”



            Neither of them noticed that a jaundiced-looking bacon-haired girl was sitting in the waiting room, reading a paper. People waiting to speak to detectives or officers were not uncommon, and the waiting area was a public space. That, and neither of them wanted to catch hepatitis.

            The orange girl looked over her paper and nodded to the large glass door at the front of the police station. Seconds later, the door opened. A strange cool draft entered the station, and a different girl followed it.

            While most had ignored the orange girl, the entire attention of the police station- -save for that of the small group that had gathered around the brownies and adorable dog- -turned to the girl that had entered. Despite the fact that she was a teenager, she was dressed with impeccable fashion and wore makeup that most of them there had only dreamed that their husbands or wives would wear. It was as though a movie star had entered their midst, and they could not take their eyes off her.

            She passed the area where the cops were eating brownies and approached the actual front desk.

            “Excuse me,” she said, removing her sunglasses and smiling wide at the young officer who sat there. “I’m here to visit an inmate.”

            He stared up at her, shaking. “Visiting- -visiting hours are closed, miss…”

            “Oh,” said Rarity, pouting. “I’m so sorry to hear that. I suppose I lost track of time.” She leaned in closer to the rookie, and he could clearly smell her perfume. It was most definitely not Flemish Innocence. “But it’s terribly important that I see him. I can tell that you are clearly the head officer here…” She smiled and ran her finger under his chin. “So I think I’ll chance it and ask you if you could just make one teensy exception just this once…”

            “I- -I can’t- -I’m not- -”

            “If it’s a security issue…” she leaned in closer. “You can stay by my side the whole time. As close as you want. And then afterwards, I’d be glad to take a…tour.”

            The rookie’s eyes did the opposite of crossing. He had been derped from excitement. He just sat there making a “FUH FUH FUH” sound for several seconds.

            “It’s fine,” said another officer, pulling the rookie’s rolling chair out of the way. “You can come in. Step this way. We have to send you through the metal detector. Just procedure.”

            “Oh of course,” said Rarity, “I wouldn’t dream of breaking procedure!”

            Rarity approached the metal detector, and by this time a crowd had gathered around her. She carefully and slowly removed her earrings and necklace and set them in a small container with her purse.

            “Is that everything on you that’s metal?” asked an officer.

            “I believe so.”

            “Okay then. Step through”

            Rarity did so, and the alarm on the arch immediately went off. One of the officers motioned for her to step back, and she did.

            “Are you sure that was all the metal on your person?” he said.

            Rarity paused, thinking. Then her eyes widened. “Oh!” she said. “There was something I forgot.”

            “Well, if you could just…um…what are you doing?”

            Rarity had removed her jacket, exposing the tight black shirt that she was wearing beneath. In that instant, all of the officers who had gathered around her realized that she was as braless as Rainbow Dash.

            “I have a few…additional piercings,” she said, smiling. Her statement was redundant, though. The officers could quite clearly see their outline already.

            An uproar immediately occurred amongst the group that had formed around the metal detector. The group that had started devouring brownies, though, hardly seemed to notice.

            “What was that?” said one of them, his face stuffed with chocolate confection.

            “If it’s not brownies, I don’t care,” said another.

            “Yeah! Besides, it’s probably weird to ogle teenage girls anyway.”

            “Yeah. Someone should call the cops on those guys.”

            “Hey, wait!” cried one of the officers, pointing at the tray of brownies and looking accusingly at one of the first two officers who had been there, who was also holding the adorable dog. “That’s not fair! You’ve eaten, like, seven!”

            “So?” he said.

            “So?” said the dog. “You’re not supposed to eat more than one. You’re in big trouble now.”

            They all suddenly fell silent and stared in absolute panic at the dog.

            “Did…did you just talk?”

            “Sure did?”

            They then all started screaming in terror. None of them had realized that they were THOSE kind of brownies.

            “I ate two! I ATE TWO!”

            “I don’t even remember what my name is!”

            “Talking dog! TALKING DOG!”

            As if to compound the problem, a horde of beavers immediately began pouring through the doors, led by one particularly large pink fellow.

            “BEAVERS!” cried one of the brownie eaters, now having confirmed without a doubt that he was tripping balls like an eighty-year-old man. “BY CELESTIA’S SWEET VANILLA BUTCHEEKS I SEE BEAVERS EVERYWHERE!”

            “Quiet,” said one of the guards at the metal detectors, even as a beaver was climbing up his leg. He did not take his eyes off Rarity, who was in the process of attempting to remove the last of the metal on her person. “We’re trying to make sure she’s secure…”



            Few of the inmates on the lower level noticed the commotion above. It was quiet and damp down there, and most of the hooting and hollering above was drowned out by a long-nosed man banging a tin cup against the bars of the cell while Discord played his harmonica to the tune. The two of them were in once cell, with the cell across from them occupied by a teenage boy.

            “UGH!” he cried, putting his hands on his ears. “Can you guys STOP THAT? It’s not even in time!”

            “Ivan cannot stop!” said Ivan. This of course was not one of the Ivans who had been at Discord’s house before; this was one of several who had snuck into the police station’s basement through the sewer lines. “If Ivan does not bang the cup, how will Ivan get the vodkas?”

            “They’re not going to give you vodka! They don’t even give me food!”

            “Ivan knows that! But if Ivan bangs cup fast enough- -” He started slamming the cup into the bars even faster. “And tries very- -oop.” He stopped suddenly and looked in the cup. “There it is. Full now. Now Ivan drinks.” Ivan drank contents of the cup.

            “How did you- -but that doesn’t- -”

            “And I have to play the blues,” said Discord. “You certainly wouldn’t want to hear me play the yellows. Or worse, the greens.”

            “Is true,” said Ivan, his gray eyes staring at both of them at once. “Ivan cannot even see color, but knows that the greens are the great much bad.”

            Discord leaned back and sighed. “So, Flash. What are you in for? Don’t tell me…”

            Flash Sentry crossed his arms. “They arrested my for…” the last part was grumbled and inaduable.

            “What was that?”

            “For…”

            “I can’t hear you.”

            “For stealing waifus!” cried Flash. “Luna’s perky blue nipples! That’s the fifth time you’ve asked!”

            “I just think so hilarious!”

            “Well at least I didn’t molest a high-school girl?”

            Discord leaned on his side. “Which I suppose means that you are not terribly effective at stealing waifus, then.”

            “Oh!” said Ivan. “The burn!”

            “Well at least Twilight think’s I’m hot!”

            “No I don’t,” said a voice.

            There was a sudden surge of electromagnetic energy and Twilight materialized in the center of the hallway. She was dressed in a futuristic looking body suit that was now sparking with energy. “Ha!” she said. “Take that laws of physics! Invisibility IS possible!” She checked the suit’s interface which was on her wrist. When she saw it, she grimaced. “Oof. That’s a lot of radiation. Hopefully none of you were intending on having children.”

            “I was,” said Flash. “With you.”

            “Well, that’s not going to happen. Now for more than one reason.” She turned to Ivan and Discord.

            Ivan shrugged. “Ivan is pretty sure that Ivan reproduces by binary fission and public intoxication.”

            “And I wear lead underpants,” said Discord.

            “For radiation?”

            “Lead stops radiation?”

            “Sure,” said Twilight. “Why not.” She approached Discord’s cell. “I’m here to get you out.”

            “Out of where?” said Discord, holding onto the bars. “How do you know I’m not already out? How do you know you’re not on the inside? That you’re not the caged animal, and I’m not the zookeeper who throws in the meat you crave but only in the name of pleasing the nameless, faceless masses who laugh and jeer at your entrapment? Huh? HUH?”

            “Um…”

            “I’m kidding. I know quite well that I’m locked up. I was going to follow Justicar rules just this once and stay for a while. But if you have the keys, I’d be glad to get home and give Fluttershy my crabs.”

            Twilight winced, but paused, remembering what Fluttershy had said. “Meaning?”

            “Meaning my ornamental iridescent crabs. Fluttershy promised to take care of them while I was on vacation.”

            “Ah. I see.”

            “So. Key?”

            “I don’t have it.”

            Discord grabbed the bars angrily. “Then how exactly are you supposed to get me out?”

            “I’m not. She is.”

            At that moment, Discord felt hands and thin arms close around him. Someone behind him held him close, and he heard her sniff his hair deeply. He slowly turned to see a pink girl staring at him, grinning madly.

            “Hey little piggy,” she whispered. “Are you gonna squeal for me?”

            Discord threw his body against the bars. “GUARDS! GUARDS!”

            “They can’t hear you,” giggled Pinkie.

            “This is making me uncomfortable! Male and female prisoners cannot be combined in the general population!”

            “Oh, relax,” said Pinkie, pulling the cell’s keys from her hair, despite the fact that she was locked in the cell with no apparent way of having gotten in. “Now that I know you haven’t really deflated Fluttershy’s soufflé yet, balance in the universe has been restored!”

            “I tend to dislike balance in the universe,” admitted Discord.

            Pinkie Pie leaned closer. “Me too! We have so much in common!”

            “It still does not explain how you actually got in here,” said Discord. He removed a dollar bill from his pocket. He began tearing it into pieces “In fact, you could say that it doesn’t make…cents.” As he said the punchline of his pun, he threw a pile of pennies into Pinkie Pie’s face.

            Pinkie Pie’s eyes widened so far that they nearly fell out, and she released a squeal that caused Ivan to claw at his ears in pain. “You do up close magic?! Oh my Celestia! Oh my Luna! Oh my CADENCE’S SEXY BUTT!”

            “Um…I didn’t know that you would like it THAT much.”

            “I do! I wasn’t sure before, but now I am! As soon as I turn eighteen- -like, the minute I do- -I am going to find you, tie you down to something heavy, cover you with whipped cream and party so hard with you you probably die!” She winked. “And that can be a Pinkie Promise, if you want…”

            “Oh my,” said Discord, looking at the pennies on the ground. “I regret not learning that trick when I was Flash here’s age.”

            “Pinkie!” hissed Twilight. “Come on!”

            “Oh, right!” Pinkie slid the key into the cell lock and turned it. The door slid open and all present inside stepped out, save for Ivan. He rather liked it in there. Pinkie Pie, Discord, and Twilight, however, began to run to the stairs out of the basement.

            “Hey, wait!” cried Flash. “What about me?”

            Twilight paused and stared at him. “Um…who are you again?



            At about this time, Shining Armor left his office to find his troops in complete and utter chaos. Half of the group were cheering around the metal detector, and the other half were freaking out for some unclear reason. Beavers were everywhere.

            As he watched, a blue girl ran into the front door. “Hey, everyone!” she cried. “Hurry, quick! Somebody spray-painted ‘Flash Sentry was here’ on all the cop cars! And there’s a sale on donuts across the street!”

            This got their attention, or at least the attention of most of them. Many ran out to tase this so-called ‘Flash Sentry’ and others ran for the sake of donuts. A few of them just jumped straight out windows.

            “What in the name of my wife’s hot-buttered BUTT is going on here?!” screamed Shining Armor. His eyes met those of the blue girl. “You! Get her! This is all a trick!”

            Some of the more stable of his officers turned toward Rainbow Dash, whipping out their nightsticks.

            “Get her too!” ordered Shining Armor, pointing toward Rarity. “And when you’re done, arrest yourselves for ogling a teenager!”

            Those of them who had not already done so pulled out their nightsticks as well and advanced on Rarity. Rarity took a step back.

            “Oh my,” she said. “Are those Billy clubs or are you just happy to see me?”

            The officers advanced, and one of them, and certain officer Dio, caught Rainbow Dash immediately. Rarity, in a panic, was backed into a corner.

            “Not in the face!” she cried. “Anywhere except the face!”

            It was this moment that Sunset stood up, throwing her paper aside and pulling the piece of bathroom wall with a hole drilled through it out of a bag. She held it in front of her like a talisman.

            “Let’s hope this works,” she said to herself. “CONPULSUS VENDIDERIT MATER EARUM IN HULL!!”

            There was precious little magic in this particular universe, but what little that there was responded to Sunset’s call. A red pentagram appeared on the floor, and in an instant tentacles shot forth from another dimension.

            “LOL NOPE!” cried the nearest officer, fleeing from the oncoming monstrosity. “I know where this is going!”

            His compatriots were not so lucky. A few were grabbed. “Not in the butt!” cried one of them. “NOT IN THE BUTT!”

            The only two that did not flee before the tentacle monster were the two who still sat at their posts, both munching brownies and one holding Spike.

            “Dude,” said one. “Are you seeing this?”

            “Yeah man, I’m seeing this.”

            “Those are some goooood brownies man…”

            “Righteous…”



            Shining Armor looked on, growing angrier and angrier as he did. These were supposed to be well trained officers of the law, and here they were in complete disorder.

            “Alright,” he said. “I didn’t wake up this morning wanting to teargas people. But I guess it’s just one of those days.”

            He turned to go back to the room where the teargas was kept, but stopped in his tracks when he saw Discord standing feet away from him.

            “YOU!” he cried.

            “ME!” cried Discord.

            “This- -this is a jailbreak!” Shining Armor unsheathed his long, thick, hard nightstick. Pinkie Pie, who was standing near Discord, gasped when she saw it.

            “Oh wow,” she said. “Is it weird that I want him to beat me over the head with that thing? Or maybe, I don’t know, rub it on my face or something.”

            “No,” said Discord. “Not weird at all. Or absolutely terrifying. Or indicative that you probably have issues that require immediate treatment.”

            “Wait!” Twilight materialized between Discord and Shining Armor. “Shining- -”

            “Twilight! You’re in on this two!”

            “Well, not so much ‘in on’ as ‘orchestrated’, but…semantics?”

            “The Jews!” cried Discord.

            “Twilight,” said Shining Armor, glaring at her. “Get out of my way.”

            “I can’t do that,” said Twilight.

            “Get out of my way,” Shining Armor raised his nightstick, “or I’m going to have to beat you like Cadence beats me.”

            Twilight frowned. “I didn’t want to have to do this to you, shining. But you forced my hand.”

            She reached for her wrist, tapping on the interface for her invisibility suit and changing the settings. The suit flashed and sparked as it turned invisible. With the changes to its function, though, Twilight did not disappear with it. She stood there once again wearing invisible clothing.

            “GAH!” screamed Shining Armor, dropping his nightstick and covering his eyes in horror. “NAKED SISTER!”

            “Come on!” said Twilight. “Now’s our chance! RUN!”

            “I would,” said Discord, “but I think I just went blind.”

            Pinkie Pie grabbed his hand and pulled him through the horde of chaos. Getting through it was strangely easily; the officers being attacked by beavers or tentacles, or the ones now rolling on the ground in reaction to the otherwise quite ordinary brownies should have gotten in their way, but the mass always seemed to clear as Discord approached.

            “Come on!” said Rainbow Dash. “Rarity!”

            “I’m coming!” said Rarity, quickly rebuttoning her outer jacket. She joined the others as they raced toward the door.

            Sunset likewise turned to join them as her spell collapsed. She seemed exhausted from doing whatever she had just done, and the Hole in her hands was steaming. It did not smell pleasant.

            “Out!” said Rainbow Dash, checking a guard out of the way. “Get outside!”

            Discord felt himself pulled to freedom, and he paused for a moment to see the pink beaver salute him.

            “I know him,” said Discord, pointing. “I never imagined that Fluttershy’s pink beaver would save my life! And to think, I almost shaved him! Say, did you know that pink beavers smell like strawberries?”

            “Didn’t know didn’t care,” said Rainbow Dash, shoving Discord down the stone steps to where Applejack and Fluttershy were waiting in Big Macintosh’s truck.

            “Discord!” cried Fluttershy.

            “Fluttershy! I thought I’d never see you again!”

            “There will be time for a touching reunion later!” yelled Applejack.

            “And not with LITERAL touching!” snapped Rainbow Dash.

            “Get in the back!”

            The group jumped in the back of the truck and Applejack gunned the engine. It backfired at least three times, shot in reverse, and then pushed forward with a lurch and a cloud of several types of smoke. From inside the police station, the guards watched it go.

            “Hey, talking dog,” said one of the brownie-eaters. “Did they just, you know, forget you?”

            “Yeah,” said the dog. “That’s par for the course, man.”



            The truck trundled forward as fast as it could, which was not very.

            “HA!” cried Rainbow Dash, pounding her fist against the cab roof and feeling it penetrate the rusted metal. “I can’t believe that actually worked!”

            “Neither can I,” said Twilight. “I feel so alive!”

            “It feels good to be bad,” said Pinkie.

            “It so does! I think next time I’m going to rob someone’s house…”

            “Let’s not go too far,” said Sunset.

            “I don’t know if we will be going that far at all,” said Discord. He pointed at the ground behind them, where a large and badly rusted metal object was receding from view. “I may be mistaken, but I believe that we have just had the commission of an omission of the transmission.”

            “We have bigger problems than that!” cried Applejack. She pointed. “Look!”

            “No, YOU look!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash, pointing behind them.

            The situation had decayed in both directions. Police cars- -all of which had been spray-painted in rainbow paint, apparently by one Flash Sentry who had signed them in Rainbow Dash’s handwriting, were chasing them from behind. In front of them, though, an angry mob had gathered, complete with pitchforks and torches.

            “Gun the engine!” cried Rainbow Dash.

            Applejack did, and it promptly leapt out of the hood of the truck and sputtered a distance forward before shattering into hundreds of pieces. The truck itself then slowed before stopping and collapsing into a pile of fine rust and pieces of wood.

            “Gosh darn it,” swore Rainbow Dash. “Big Mac’s never gonna forgive me for this one.”

            “If we even survive,” said Fluttershy.

            “Oh, Fluttershy,” said Discord as he stood up and brushed himself off. “There’s no need to worry. Why, I could hardly call myself a proper janitor if this were my first angry mob. The key is not to go into a windmill. That never works.”

            The crowd surrounded them on one side and the police on the other. Shining Armor got out of the lead car, still covering his eyes in case Twilight was still naked. On the other side, Celestia and Luna stepped forward.

            “Principal Celestia?” cried Fluttershy. “What are you doing here?”

            “What I should have done in the first place,” she said. She gestured toward the angry mob, which actually appeared mostly to consist of students of Canterlot High.

            “Oh,” said Applejack. “It’s one of THOSE mobs. So. Are you gonna tar and feather him?”

            “Indeed,” said Luna. “That is my sister’s intention.”

            “It is the will of the sun!” screamed Celestia, flailing her arms over her head.

            “Now wait just a minute,” said Twilight. “This is all a misunderstanding! We can explain!”

            “Twilight,” said Luna. “You’re in the nude.”

            “I know that.” Contrary to her assertion, though, Twilight adjusted the controls on her suit and made it opaque again. “And now I’m not.”

            Fluttershy stepped forward, and the crowd went silent. All of them knew that it was physically impossible to commit violence against Fluttershy. The universe simply would not allow it. “Please, wait,” said Fluttershy. “It really is a misunderstanding. Discord and I are just friends. He wasn’t molesting me. He’s not that kind of guy.”

            “We know that,” said Luna.

            “Indeed,” said Celestia. “That’s not why I had him arrested. Or why I got this mob.”

            “Then why?”

            “He glued me to a chair!” cried Lyra Hearstrings from the crowd.

            “He waxed the stairs!” said another student. “And I broke my head!”

            “He covered me in cereal!”

            “He buried me in a whole!”

            “He gave me free candy that made me sleepy!”

            “He painted his name on my face!”

            “He ate my muffins!” wept Derpy.

            “But he was just trying to help!” protested Fluttershy.

            “Um, no,” said Discord. “I wasn’t. I was having fun.” He stepped forward. “But that’s not what this is about, is it, Sunbutt?”

            “Don’t call me Sunbutt,” hissed Celestia. “You lost the right to call me that after what you did to me.”

            Discord blinked. “And what was that, exactly?”

            Celestia glared at him. “You know what you did.”

            “If I knew, I would not have asked.”

            “I’m pretty sure you know,” said Luna. She looked at her watch. “Just explain it and hurry up. My soaps are coming on soon and I was hoping to go to bed early tonight.”

            “It’s Friday,” said Rarity.

            “Verily,” sighed Luna.

            “We used to date,” explained Celestia. “All though high school. It was so much fun. He wasn’t so old back then.”

            “Wait a minute,” said Pinkie Pie. “But if you were in high school together, that means you’re the same age…and he’s super old. Like, sixty. So that means you’re- -”

            “I’m not old!” cried Celesita. “And that’s not the point! The point is that I used to love him!”

            “And I actually rather fancied you as well,” said Discord. He sighed. “You were a lot less of a buzzkill back in those days. And you didn’t wear those ridiculous purple slacks. I mean, come on. Purple? Even I don’t wear purple. It’s a terrible color.”

            “Oh,” sighed Twilight.

            “But you broke up with me,” said Discord. “In fact, you outright stopped talking to me after prom. I never found out why. Then I spent a great deal of time stoned and we got out of touch.”

            “LIAR!” screamed Celestia. “You don’t even remember?! On PROM NIGHT? You took me out, and then we went home, and then you took my virginity!”

            “Celestia!” gasped Twilight.

            “I was nineteen at the time so it was okay!” said Celestia. “But then you just never talked to me again! You just used me like a wet blanket and tossed me! I am lord of the SUN! I refuse to be disrespected like that! That’s a Luna sort of thing!”

            Discord blinked, confused. “Um…I never went to prom.”

            “Yes you did! You were there! I remember dancing with you! And you slowly taking my dress off, and pulling back my hair…”

            “I don’t need a description!” cried Applejack, covering her ears.

            “I wouldn’t mind one,” said Pinkie. “When you say ‘hair’, do you mean the hair on your head or…”

            “No, I’m sure of it,” said Discord. “Remember? That was the week I put chocolate milk in the sprinklers and set them off.”

            “You made it rain chocolate milk?!” gasped Pinkie. She grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. “WHY WAS I NOT THERE?!”

            “You weren’t born yet,” said Rarity, pulling her away. “Actually, your parents probably weren’t born yet. Or their parent’s parents.”

            “I’M NOT OLD!” cried Celestia.

            “Nevertheless,” said Rarity, “shush. I want to hear this.”

            “I got suspended,” continued Discord. “Banned from the prom and everything. You yelled at me and threw a lamp at me, and I figured you wanted time alone. But then you just never spoke to me again.”

            “But that’s not how I remember it!” cried Celestia. “You were there, I know you were!”

            “Sister,” said Luna, putting her hand on Celestia’s shoulder. “He’s not lying. You didn’t go to prom either.”

            “But I did! I remember dancing, and singing…kind of…it was a while a go- -but not THAT long ago!”

            “Um, no. You drank your weight in cider and passed out in your prom dress. Or rather half out of it. You never made it to prom.”

            Celestia blinked. “But…but…then who took my virginity? Luna?”

            Luna grimaced. “Well it certainly was not me. Incest is not in fact wincest. You are also not my type. Nor do I in fact want to know the status of your love life, or even to consider knowing such aspects. This entire conversation is making me vastly uncomfortable.”

            “But then…” Celestia paused. “But then what the buck happened?”

            “Apparently nothing,” said Discord.

            “So I’ve been holding a grudge for all these years over NOTHING? I never spoke to you because I thought you were ignoring me.”

            “And I thought you were ignoring ME.”

            “Yes, yes, love lost,” said Luna. “Nobody cares. This is tangential at best. Either disband the mob or allow that incredibly sexy officer over there to commence beating the criminals. Violence turns me on. Especially if they bleed.”

            “Me?” said Shining Armor. “I’m married.”

            “I do not mind,” said Luna. “It does not impede your ability to use that long, hard night stick.” She winked, and Shining Armor shuddered.

            “So that was a misunderstanding too,” said Fluttershy. “See? I knew Discord was really a good guy at heart!”

            “No, he isn’t,” said Derpy. “He’s a huge jerk!”

            “But you’re still going to hire him back, aren’t you?” said Sunset.

            “No,” said Celestia. “He did a terrible job.”

            “Fair enough,” said Discord. “Because I never actually worked at the school.”

            “Wait, what?”

            “Yeah. You never hired me. Nobody did. I’m not actually a janitor. I just showed up, stole a uniform, and decided to have some fun while it lasted.”

            “Oh,” said Celestia. “So…” She paused for a long moment. “That solves all the problems, then…?”

            “Yes,” said Luna. “Good. Done. Now everyone go home. I have stuff to do.”

            “But a whole bunch of illegal stuff happened,” said Shining Armor.

            “WE HAVE SPOKEN!!”

            Shining Armor cowered, and the other police retreated to their cars. The mob extinguished their torches and threw their pitchforks in a pile, returning them to Applejack (as they had borrowed them from her farm to begin with, as none of them were themselves people who would normally own such an implement). Everyone dispersed from the group, but Celestia remained for a moment.

            “So,” said Discord. “Now that we know that…you’re still pretty hot.”

            “I am,” she said, “but don’t push it. Stay away from my school.”

            She then left. Discord turned to Fluttershy.

            “What do you think?” he asked. “Does she dig me or what?”

            Fluttershy did not answer, except with a smile. She was glad to have her friend back.



            With Applejack’s vehicle turned to dust, the group had to walk home. Discord’s house was closest, and he waved to them as he left the group and walked to his door. Once he was outside, he looked to see them going back to their respective homes. Fluttershy waved once more, though, and Discord smiled. They would be having a tea party the next day.

            He closed the door and sighed. The day had indeed been eventful and chaotic, just the way he liked it. Still, he found himself staring in his empty house. Lawn chairs sat around a wire-spool coffee table and a beat-up couch that he had found on a curb. All was silent, and he was alone save for the sound of dripping water from his kitchen faucet.

            Discord sighed and sat down in one of the rickety lawn chairs. He spent several minutes like this, and then slowly raised one of his hands. He snapped his fingers.

            The environment shifted. The dirty walls became fancy dirty walls, and the wire-spool coffee table became one derived from a spool that had once held high-quality wire instead of orindary wire. His chair floated into the air, transformed into an upholstered one, and a smoking jacket formed around his body. Trumpets played somewhere in the distance.

            Discord snapped his fingers again, and a flash of light appeared over his dirty couch, which had grown a tiny pair of wings to haul itself into the air. From the flash of light emerged a draconequs.

            “Why hello,” said the second Discord. “How are things?”

            “Pretty well. Just some alone time right now. Just me, myself, and I.”

            “I see,” said Discord, snapping his own fingers and summoning a drink with a long curly straw. “So.” He snapped his fingers again and a board for Chinese checkers appeared in the air. “Do you want to play with yourself?”

            “Aren’t we a little old for that?”

            “Is it possible to be too old? For Chinese checkers, I mean?” Discord shrugged and the board vanished. “So be it. What’s the good word, alternate me?”

            Discord smiled mischievously. “You would not believe me if I told you.”

            “So I would disbelieve myself?” Discord moved to the edge of his seat and his eyes grew wide. “This must be juicier than Fluttershy’s butt!”

            “It actually has to do with that.” Discord laughed. “I actually managed to convince her friends that I was having inappropriate sexual relations with Fluttershy!”

            Discord gasped. “You didn’t! Are you even allowed to do that?”

            “Not in this dimesion, no. We have content rules. And let it be noted that no character under eighteen ever actually was placed in a sexual situation in this story.”

            “Indeed. Or else we would get banned.” Discord paused. “I, of course, could do it.”

            “Don’t be crude. We would never do that with Fluttershy. She’s just to adorable. Strictly platonic and all.”

            “If you say so.”

            “I do say so. And by extension so do you. At least so-so, anyway.”

            “But you actually convinced her friends? Are they that much of idiots in this dimension?”

            “Apparently.”

            Both discords chortled. “My my,” said Discord, “I can’t believe you actually did that. That’s so stupid.”

            “I know. But I rather enjoyed myself.”

            “Like you are right now?”

            “Indeed. As easy as they were to trick, their solution was intriguing. Quite chaotic. I’m sure you would have liked it.”

            Discord leaned back in his chair. “Speaking of that, Q is holding a party in dimension 34. That one dancing Celestia will be there. Are you up for it?”

            Discord snapped his fingers and a snazzy 70s-era disco suit appeared over him. “I’m always up.”

            They laughed again, and together they disappeared, leaving the furniture to fall to the floor. The room stood empty, save for one very confused Ivan who had been lodged between the couch cushions.

            And life went on as usual.   in-bottow@y�\