Discord gets bored and seeks entertainment via bringing a human to Equestria for a little game.
During the second time he's imprisoned, Discord gets bored and goes wandering, looking for mortals to aggravate. He finds a species nearly as chaotic as himself, humans. He settles on one human male who seems happy enough, and decides to use him. Deciding to make a sort of game out of it, Discord tricks the guy into going to Equestria. After a few days Discord transports the princesses to opposite ends of the universe. Discord has the human sign a contract stating that all guy has to do is find and return the princesses and he will leave the pony folk alone and return to his statue. If the man should fail, however, Discord will rule both worlds forever. Rated teen for mild language.
All MLP:FIM characters are property of Hasbro Anthony is not.
Chapter ONE
Compassion. That word has caused me more trouble than I can count. Okay, well maybe not "compassion" exactly, but that whole kind of mindset. Whether it was getting into a fight at school when a smaller kid couldn't defend them-self, or taking the blame for a co-worker who didn't deserve it. Not that I can help it, it's just how I was raised. You know, the "Golden Rule", "Do unto others", that whole schtick. That may explain the situation i find myself in now. I'm currently falling upwards through some weird vortex thing towards what I hope is a bright blue sky. Since it looks like it's a good ways off, I'll fill you in on how I got here.
It all started Saturday, really early in the morning on my way home from work, listening to one of my all time favorite songs. My usual route took me by an old. dilapidated chemical plant. I would occasionally see a car or two out in front so I guess it isn't abandoned yet. I was just passing the old building when there was a huge explosion and an even bigger fireball rose into the cloudy night sky. I slammed on the brakes, skidded to a stop and just stared. The blaze lit up the area like it was the middle of the day. My fears that someone was inside were realized when a figure came stumbling up to my truck in a flaming mess. It was an elderly man, a scientist judging by his coat. I screamed as he hit my hood and slumped to the ground. I jumped out to do what I could for him, to at least extinguish him. I finally got him put out and got a good look at him. Most of the skin on his face was burned and charred, and the only notable feature was a long broken tooth jutting out of the corner of his mouth. He looked to be about sixty or better. What hair was left on his head was nearly frizzled down to his scalp. I would have called 911 but, I had left my phone at home. I made him as comfortable as I could. I was going to get my meager first-aid kit from my pick-up when he sat up, wheezing and coughing, and grabbed my shirt. He pulled me back and pressed something into my palm. Noting that it wasn't much bigger than a flash drive I stuck it in my pocket.
*HACK* "Take this...*wheeze* No one must know of it...." *gasp* He released my shirt,and gasped one last time before he.... expired. I took his white lab coat and covered him with it. After I did, something shiny caught my eye near the front of my truck. I said a silent prayer for the poor old guy and went to see what it was. I bent down and picked up the strange thing.
"Heh. Guy must have been a Whovian." I mumbled to myself. The "thing" was what appeared to be a replica sonic screwdriver. Not really thinking, I stuck it in my pocket too. I turned and looked at the covered form on the ground and just stood there, lost in thought as to just who this guy was. I stood there until I heard sirens getting closer. Coming to my senses, I hopped back in my truck and sped off, my mind in a daze. That was my first close up view of death. I felt sick.
After a few moments, the "dead" man rose up to his feet and shimmered brightly, chuckling to himself. The light faded and a mismatched monster stood in his place. Shining yellow, malice filled eyes watched the small red truck drive away.
I finally made it back to my humble home and (more importantly) my bed. I just lay there for a long time, staring at my posters on the walls of my bedroom. I saw the dead man's face every time I blinked. I was feeling too nauseated and tired to even think of turning on the T.V. A dry, scratchiness in my throat convinced me to get my sorry carcass to the kitchen for some water. I staggered in, leaning against the wall for support, and found a clean glass. After filling it and slaking my thirst, my pants stared buzzing. More specifically, my left pocket. I reached in and removed the "device" the old man had given me. I brought it to my old, steel desk and turned on my old lighted magnifier. The thing resembled a flash drive in size and appearance. The only difference were three buttons on the side. "Home", "Open", and "Close". Maybe "open" made the usb...uh, thing pop out. I pressed it and nothing. At first that is. A low rumble shook my house as my floor opened up and a portal of sorts started drawing me in. I couldn't run, and there was no chance of escape. I stood up, and took a deep breath, preparing for the inevitable. To quote the good Doctor, "GERONIMO!" And left Earth behind.
Well, that about sums it up, until now that is. Would you look at that? I'm a lot closer now to the opening. It shouldn't be much longer now 'ti---Oh? I'm out, aaaaaand back to falling normally. Man, that ground is coming up fast. Oh, cripes this is going to hurt like heck. I spread my arms and legs to try and slow down, but it doesn't help. My eyes clench shut in anticipation of the end.
"Good-bye everybody. I've got to goooo. Got to leave you all behind and face the---"
"Hot DIGGITY DA-oww..." Happiness hurts right now.
Trying to sit up ain't much better. I lay back and try to assess the damage. Most notably my back. I think I landed on a stone.
"Dumb rock." I mutter.
Well, it feels like nothing more than a good sized bruise from that rock that tried to break my fall. Wait. What's that in my pocket. I dig around and pull out the strange device. Well, what was left of it anyway. Guess I'm taking the long way home. If there is one. Looking around, I try to get my bearings to figure out where in the world I am. It appears to be just a normal, open field. A few trees along one side, and... I could see some roof tops over the top of the long green grass I was laying in. Bright as hell green grass. Too bright. It made my transition lenses darken. My clothes even looked brighter. Bright blue jeans, bright brown boots, and even my lucky black tee-shirt was bright. It was my lucky one because it was what I was wearing when I got my new job. But still, all this color was almost cartoonish. I just chalked that up to a possible concussion. Wait! I think i hear voices, and no, I don't mean the ones in my head. They went to the movies. Sigh, They never take me. Those voices are definitely getting closer! They sound like young women.
"Hey! Can y'all hear me?" I call out.
"It's over here girls, hurry!" one responded. It?
"I ain't no it, consarn it! I'm over here!" I yell. That voice sounded kind of like my cousin. Hmmm. Go figure. I hear steps coming up in front me and I lean up to see who it was. That's when I got the shock of a lifetime.
"Oh...my..." was all she managed to say before she fainted. She was a little yellow horse with wings folded at her back. Her mane was a light pink and long. Wait, wings?
"Makes her a pegasus I think." I said, trying to recall the pictures from that book I'd seen a long time ago. Seeing her, yes it was her. I guessed that by the lack of... evidence stating otherwise, pointed me straight to a sign that told me where I was. CrazyTown it said. Population: YOU. Or maybe not, judging by my fresh waves of pain. I sat up and popped my back a little before--.
"I think I see it!" a high pitched voice said coming up from behind me. I leaned back to see, and gazed into the blue eyed, pink face of madness herself.
"HI! I'm Pinkie Pie! Who are you?" the face wide grin asked.
"Gahhhh! I hollered and jerked my head back, smacking it into the ground.
"Gahhhh? That's a super weird name. Oh! Oh! I know! Can I give you a new one?" she asked bouncing around me in circles.
"Pinkie! What are you doing? Get away from that! It could be dangerous." A purple unicorn said, staying well clear of me. "See, it already got Fluttershy!" she shouted frantically.
"Silly Twilight, i don't think he did that. You know how easily she gets scared. Besides, I was just next to him and he didn't do anything. You wouldn't hurt me, would you Gahhhh?" the pink one asked only a few inches from my face, her breath fogging my glasses. It smelled like cookies. I'm pretty sure I left an outline of my hand on my face.
"My names not Gahhhh, Pinkie, it's Anthony. And no, not intentionally anyway." I said standing up and brushing myself off. Now that I was up, I noticed that the well, ponies seeing as they were so small, stood with their heads at just above my elbow. Not all that impressive, considering I'm only 5'10. The unicorn was looking between me and the pegasus.
"Well then, what happened?" she snapped, taking an aggressive stance, aiming that stubby horn at me. Oh, help! She's going to prod me to death.
"Dunno. All I did was look at her and PLOP! over she went. She gonna be okay?" I asked while stretching my sore joints.
"She'll be fine." the unicorn said after checking her friend. "So," she said with a sheepish grin, "let's start over shall we? We already know your name, I'm Twilight Sparkle, you've met Pinkie Pie, and that's Fluttershy. If you don't mind my asking, what are you? I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like you before." she asked nervously.
"I'm a human. Nothing more, nothing less." I answered.
She laughed. "Humans aren't real. That's just an old mares tale we tell foals to scare 'em sometimes, might as well say you're the boogeymare or slendermane. Now seriously, what are you?" She asked again, after getting herself under control. All she got was a raised eyebrow and a stare. She noticed. "You're serious." she said quietly.
"Deadly."
Pinkie was looking ecstatic by this point and had opened her mouth to say something when she was interrupted by a particularly loud snore from Fluttershy, I think her name was. She had curled herself into a little ball. Her mane and tail nearly covered her completely. The adorableness almost gave me a heart attack. That or it was all those Red Bulls i drank finally caught up to me. Whoa, wait. There goes one kicking in now. Twilight sighed.
"Pinkie, I think we should take her home soon could yo- "I'll do it." I interrupted. Well, it was only fitting, seeing as i had already picked her up and all. That and Pinkie had climbed up and was sitting on my shoulders.
"That's nice, but you don't know where she lives." Twilight deadpanned.
"I do Twilight, I'll show him!" Pinkie shouted from her perch. I don't think my ears will ever recover.
"Just come back to the library when you're done with him." Twilight said, sighing in defeat and walking off.
Pinkie tapped on my head. "Thata way." she said, pointing towards some trees with a hoof. "And step on it! It's getting dark!" I started off at a slow jog, but picked up the pace as the two didn't weigh me down much. Yeah, that was it. It had nothing to do with the fact that Pinkie was now wearing cowboy spurs on her hind legs. Yes, that had nothing to do with it at all.
"Ow! Crimeny girl! Can you do something with those things?" I asked my rider.
"Sure can!" She replied happily, giving me a solid kick with her spurs. I swear, if I wasn't holding Fluttershy right now..... We were coming up on a small cottage with a few animal pens and a chicken coop out in front. As we approached the door, it flew open to reveal an angry white rabbit. Pinkie jumped down and had me put the sleeping pegasus on her back to take her up the stairs that I could see from the doorway. Said rabbit was watching me like a hawk.
"Relax, little guy. We're just bringing her home. She's had a rough day, you might want to let her sleep it off." I said, reaching to pet the bunny. This seemed to infuriate the little rascal and he tried to kick my shin. It was more like an aggressive tap. I chuckled. "You'll have to do better than that squirt." He flipped me the bird and hauled tail around the corner just as Pinkie returned. I just stood there with my mouth hanging open.
"Heeelllooooo... Anypony home? It's time to get back to Twilight. I can't wait to see what she has planned for you!" she said, trying to hop back on my shoulders. I caught her in mid-leap and spun her back to the ground.
"Oh, no! Not after last time. Yer walkin' missie! I'm liable to have scars from them things." I said pointing at her hoof wear. "Besides, we can talk better this way. now, let's go. I want to see this town." And off we went.
"So," I said after my new friend had explained the basics, "let me get this straight. there are unicorns, pegasi and regular earth ponies that live in this town we're heading to called 'Ponyville'."
"Righty-o" she replied
"Okay, and this land 'Equestria' is ruled by two sisters who share traits of all three types."
"Yep-a rooni! Princesses Celestia also raises the sun every day and Luna raises the moon at night." she added happily before stopping in mid-air. Huh. Why not? She turned and set her sad puppy dog eyes on obliterate. "Anthony, can I please ride on your shoulders again? Pleeeeaasssseeee? It's super fun being so tall." Like I even stood a chance.
"Just no more spurs." I told her and helped her up.
"I AM EMPRESS PIEICUS! COWER BEFORE MY GIANT!" She bellowed. I decided it was best to reach the library quickly.
We entered town right around sunset in one of the quieter sections so as not to draw too much attention I would have just gone straight in, but, scaring the locals, may not be the best idea. It helped that there were only a few houses on this end. Pinkie insisted that if we were going to be stealthy, we both had to wear sneaking suits. How she had one to fit me, I doubt I'll ever know. She even had a bandana to tie my long hair back with.
"Where did you even get these?" I asked tying my hair back.
"Oh, I keep them stashed all over Equestria in case of a sneaking emergency." she replied. Of course she does.
...
...
She opted to bolt from shadow to bush, while as luck would have it, there was a decent sized box sitting next to a couple of trash cans. There was no way I could I resist. Just as I laid my hand on the box, a mint green unicorn walked out of the house across the street. We locked eyes for a brief second before she disappeared back behind the door with a slam. I grabbed the box and dashed around the corner.
"Bon-Bonnnnn!" I heard the mare yell from there. I crouched in the box next to a dumpster, as two sets of hoof-steps came from the other side. the green one asked her friend, this supposed 'Bon-Bon'., who sounded skeptical.
"Lyra dear, are you sure you weren't just seeing things again? I know you used to study these humans, maybe you just imagined it." Bon-Bon suggested. The unicorn sighed and lowered her head.
"You're right, as always. Let's go." Lyra mumbled. Well, crap. Now I kinda felt bad. Lyra gave one last look over her shoulder. I stood up and waved with a big grin. Her eyes almost popped out of her head. I held my finger to my lips to shush her. She smiled and nodded her head. Pinkie popped up from behind me.
"Move it! Move it! Move it!" she shouted and tossed me onto her back. Wait, What? The pink mare took off at full speed and reached the library in a few minutes Limping into the door, I slumped against the far wall. Twilight offered an ice pack, which I gratefully accepted.
"What's wrong with him?" Twilight asked. Pinkie just giggled and shrugged.
That ice pack was a godsend.
"Anyway, I had Spike send a letter to the Princess to let her know what happened. If she hadn't felt that tremor in the magical currents we wouldn't have even known about him. She replied and sounded very anxious to meet him for herself. But she said she only wanted Spike and I to be present. So, I'm sorry Pinkie, I'll let you know how it turns out." Twilight told her friend. Pinkie looked disappointed, but left with a smile on her face and a wink at me that sent shivers down my spine.
A door swung open to reveal.... Barney the Dinosaur's little brother? Or at least that's what he looked like. He was carrying a tray full of refreshments, which he sat on a nearby table.
"Okay, Twilight. I made tea, cookies and sandwiches. Did I forget anything-ing-ING WAHHHHHHH! Is that the monster you found?" he asked from his new hiding spot behind a bookshelf. I waved.
"Name's Anthony. I'm a human. Who are you?" I greeted him as calmly as I could.
"Spike. My name is Spike, I'm a dragon." he said, extending his claw for a handshake. I got up and went to return the gesture. And I would have too, had the avatar of the sun not appeared in a flash between us. That in and of itself would've been fine, had she been slightly farther to my left. Let's just say that sun emblem on her flank is definitely NOT painted on.
The silence in the library was so deafening you could hear a pin drop. Celestia's expression wavered somewhere between shock and mild annoyance. Oh, and I'm fairly certain you could've buried Twilight. If her look of abject horror was anything to go by. The little dragon, Spike, poor guy was laughing so hard he fell and was rolling on the ground. OHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAP! I had just grabbed Her Royal Highness's Royal Hindquarters and all I could muster was the "Deer caught in the headlights" look. We just stood there, eyes locked, staring holes in each other. the princess finally saw fit to break the awkward silence.
"My good sir, is there any reason you're still holding my flank?" She asked with a slight smirk. My hand shot back to my side instantly. She was trying to cut the obvious tension, though a bulldozer, while effective, may not be the best way. Recovering, her student spoke up.
"Princess, this is Anthony, the human I told you about." She said with a nod in my direction. I gave a not-at-all hamming-it-up-bow. The regal looking alicorn circled me, giving me a quick once over.
"Judging by your reaction, my student already told you about me I see. Did she also tell you of our stories of your kind?" She asked as she accepted a cup of steaming tea from Spike..
"Yeah, Kinda-sorta-not really. She didn't go into too much detail on the stories. She also mentioned you were coming, but one of her friends, Pinkie Pie I believe her name was, told me about you and your sister." I said accepting my own cup of tea from Spike and nearly dropped it. I had my cup in my hand, but how did the princess..... I looked at her and she noticed my confused face. Her cup was just floating there, enveloped in an aura for lack of a better term. She grinned.
"Magic." she said said with a snort and a laugh. Shaking my head, we moved over to some benches near a window to continue our conversation. I settled down next to Twilight and sat my cup on the small table. I yawned, and leaned back with my hands behind my head and crossed my legs at the ankles before I noticed the princess staring at me.
"That looks rather uncomfortable. Is that how all humans sit?" She asked.
"More or less. I'm just a little tired." I answered with a grin.
"Good lord, Those teeth! What do humans eat with those things?" The small purple equine asked with a wide-eyed expression and dramatically (a little over-dramatic, if you ask me) extended hoof. Ah yes, she had noticed one of my family's genetic oddities. See, every male on my mother's side has rather enlarged canines. I mean it's to the point where we don't have to buy fake ones at Halloween, but I digress. I guess it can be a little off putting if you didn't know to expect it. For some odd reason, I felt the need to play into this. I hopped up on the bench and started inching towards her with a wicked smile on my face. The princess looked a little worried for a second before it dawned on her what I was up to. She did her best to hold back a grin. Twilight rolled and hit the floor on her back. I hopped down and crouched over her. I looked my "victim" dead in the eyes.
" Humans, as a whole, are omnivorous. That being said, there are some who prefer meat over vegetables and vice-versa. Take a wild guess on which one I am." I said, licking my lips. Then something happened I didn't expect, she started to sniffle. Oh, no. Her lower lip quivered. Crap! And here came the tears.
"The kind th-that likes p-ponies?" She barely managed to say. Well, damn. I didn't mean to get her that upset. Sure, I can be an ass, but I don't like to make folks out and out cry like that. Well, now I felt bad. I picked up the sobbing pony and hugged her, stroking her mane, trying to calm her down. It felt like silk.
"Shhh. Shhh. Easy there. I don't eat ponies. In fact, the only meat I eat on occasion is fish." Celestia gave us a smile. Twilight pushed away and looked up at me with a smirk.
"I guess that means you pass the test. He did pass your test, didn't he princess?" She asked her teacher.
What!?
"Indeed, he did." she answered.
What!?
.......
.......
.......
"WHAT!?" Twilight took pity on me and decided to explain.
"You see. the princess wanted a way to determine whether or not humans were a threat or not, and we really couldn't think of anything. So, we decided that simple observation would be best. And, after that little display, you may be a bit of an oddball, but your heart is in the right place. We had to be sure though. The most recent thing we knew of your kind were the ghost stories I mentioned earlier." She said.
"Yes, and here's why. Pay attention Twilight, because you are the first pony outside of the royal family to hear this. A few thousand years ago, Humans and ponies lived alongside each other in peace. They worked, laughed, cried and loved together, Then came the rule of Discord. While he never physically harmed anypony, he changed the humans. He did something to their minds, and they began to hunt the ponies for food. My sister and I could no longer sit idly by and watch his chaos overtake what we had built. In order to preserve both races, Discord was sealed in stone and the humans were sent to a world where they could live in peace. and as you can see, stories of them persist to this day. It is good to see that Discord's influence is wearing off. But, you should know, had I thought my student were in actual danger, You would have been reduced to a pile of ash." She said, finishing her tea in a single gulp. It took my mind a few seconds to process this. My host had been nothing more than bait? I looked at the smugly smiling unicorn and only one thought came to mind.
"Clever girl... I had that one coming, being the 'alien' I guess. So I reckon Y'all want to get on with how I got here, huh?" I asked the two.
"I would, but it's time I retire for the night. I have a long day of court tomorrow. I'll send for you when i think it would be a good time to continue our discussion. Twilight, would you mind if our friend stayed here for the night?" Celestia asked.
"No, not at all. I have a spare room and some extra pillows and blankets he can use." She answered. The princess smiled.
"I'm off then. You two have fun." She said and with a flash, the sun princess was gone.
"Spike, be a dear and show our guest to his room please. I've got some research to do." Twilight said, turning to her numerous bookshelves. When the little guy didn't answer immediately, the young mare looked surprised. She was even more shocked when she noticed I was gone too.
"No, where could they have gotten to?" she wondered aloud.
"Why do I always have to take out the trash? It's not like her horn is broke or anything." Spike muttered to himself. he was in the middle of dragging the trash to the dumpster. I had seen him struggling with it and had left to help him while Twilight was talking to....herself, I think.
"I know that feel bro. It's like that for me back home." I said startling the dragon and picking up the bag at the same time.
"You mean you have kind of a bossy unicorn who makes you do all the hard work?" he asked skeptically.
"No, you're lucky there. I just have a horrible, fire-breathing, unspeakable, creature from the depths of Hell that crawled up from the commode and I'm fairly certain eats kittens for a boss." I said with a grin. He stared at me wide-eyed for a minute before he started laughing.
"HA! That's pretty good, mind if I use it?" he asked. I tossed the bag in with a thud ("OW!")
"Not at all. You okay?" I asked him
"Me? I thought it was you." he said, scratching his scaly head. We both turned to look at the dumpster. A silhouette of a unicorn rose out of the shadow.
"Who's there!?" Spike growled, small snorts of green flame leaking from his nose. Oh! Right! That sonic screwdriver replica thingy. It must be a penlight. I took it out and pointed it at the trash can and hit the switch. The green light it made wasn't that bright and the pulsing noise sounded pretty realistic. Then much to my surprise (and unending joy!) the latch holding the lid open detached and it swung down and hit our mystery pony. Well, that's that, and more importantly;
"HOLY CRAP! IT"S REAL! I just wish it made more light." I said looking at it in awe.
"Uh, dude?" Spike said, blowing a small burst of flame Oh, right. Spike was kind enough to provide enough light to learn our attacker's identity. There she was. Lyra. Rubbing her head and covered in filth and that evil brown ooze you find in the bottom of dumpsters.
"What in the world are you doing in there?" I asked as I helped the pony out.
"Bon-Bon didn't believe me and I just had to find some way to prove you were real, that I wasn't seeing things." She fell down and grabbed my ankles. "Please come back with me and show her! PLEASE!" The mint green unicorn begged. The library's door burst open and an angry Twilight appeared.
"What in Equestria is going on out here!?" She yelled before she saw Lyra on the ground at my feet. She took the whole scene in and just shook her head. "You guys just do whatever. *YAWN* I'm going to bed. Try to keep it down." She said and shut the door behind her as she went back in.
"I think she's got the right idea. I'm gonna turn in too." I said and started to walk away with Lyra. STILL. ATTACHED.
"Y-You're not coming back with me?" She asked, nearly in tears already. *SIGH*
"No. But, I'm not gonna send you home like that either. Let's go get y'all cleaned up." I drawled out. She seemed to perk up almost instantly with this.
"Dude, you know you'll probably regret this." Spike said.
"I know man, I know."
A bath, a pegasus, and my ugly mug lands me in the slammer
"No! You know what? Not just no, HELL NO!" I shouted at the green unicorn as I sat next to the tub in the bathroom holding a scrub brush. Apparently, she wanted me in the bath with her, that was why she had been so perky since I had offered to clean her up. At first I had thought it would be no different than giving my dog a bath, and so it was. To an extent. Up to the point where she had asked me to join her. The girl started on me with the sad puppy dog eyes. I'm beginning to suspect all ponies have this as a secret weapon.
"Why in the world do you want me in there with you? I barely know you." I asked the mare, averting my eyes from the S.P.D.E. Lyra shifted nervously in the bubble filled tub It wasn't that the water was dirty, we had changed it three times already. I wanted to know what she was thinking.
She pulled a hoof up and watched the water drip off. "I guess I'm just used to having Bon-Bon with me. At home we usually bathe together. I probably just used to having her in with me. Please?" She pleaded, upping the power of her sad face a few billion notches. Why me God, why me?
"No, Lyra. It'd be too weird for me to-ahhh, dammit." I muttered, resigning myself to the fate put before me.
"Anyway, I didn't want to say so earlier, but you need one too. You smell funny." She said, sticking out her tongue. *sigh* So, there I am getting out of my pants, when my phone fell out of my pocket and landed between my feet. Shocked beyond belief, I fell to my knees with my shorts around my ankles. I could call home, I could let someone know where I was. That is, if my luck was like a normal person's.
*gasp*"What is that funny looking thing?" Lyra shouted, pointing with a hoof. I looked at her.
"That' right, you never seen one before."
"No. It's really shiny. Do you polish it?"
"Polish it? No, but I do-"
"Can I play with it?"
"Wait, we are still talking about this right?" I asked holding up the phone. She blinked and tilted her head to one side.
"Huh? What did you think I was talking about? She asked evidently completely confused.
"Nothing, don't worry about it. But this is a smart phone. It's main function is to talk to people over great distances. However, they also take pictures and play music, depending on the model." I explained. I pressed the button at the top to see how bad it was really damaged. i could see a crack in the screen going all the way across. Pleasepleasepleaseohpleasework. The screen lit up, showing the lock screen, date and time, seventy-five percent power, annnnnd no service. Looks like my luck was holding steady at least.
"You said it takes pictures, do you have pictures of other humans on there? she asked, moving next to me as I sat down in the water. i went into my pictures and showed her a large group of people apparently arguing over something. I explained what was going on.
"This is the last family reunion I went to. I forget what exactly was being discussed, but I wasn't asked back to another." I said with a grin creeping up on me. "And I'm not the least bit sad about it."
"Why? Don't you miss seeing your family?" she asked, clearly a little confused.
"A little, but my family is extremely stubborn and opinionated. While I said I don't recall what was being discussed, I do remember that I wouldn't take sides in the matter and was basically shunned from then on except by my parents and a cousin or two." I thumbed over a couple more til I found another I liked. "Here, this is one of my best friends. his name is Claudius, but everyone calls him Andy. We've known each other since we were little." I told her.
"He looks a little like you, are you related?" she asked.
*sigh*" No, but I hear that a lot. I just don't see it personally." I said, wondering if I would ever get to see any of them again. I must have looked a little sad, judging by Lyra's worried expression. "Right, on to happier things then. This also plays music, remember? Would you like to hear some from my world?" I asked the blinking unicorn.
"Uh, sure. I play an instrument too actually, the lyre. I'm pretty good at it, if I do say so myself." she said getting a little smug.
"Well, I'm afraid I don't have anything with a lyre in it, but this one here's pretty good. Tell me what you think." I told her as I picked a song that has been with me since I was a toddler. The song ended and Lyra was stunned. "You want some more don't you?" I asked. She weakly nodded. I played twomore to see what her reaction would be. Oh, she reacted all right. She leaned over and tried to snatch it with her... magic? That crap still creeps me out. Anyway, I say tried, because she succeeded only in dropping it into the tub. Well, shit. I glared at her. "Just had to grab it didn't you? Couldn't just, oh I don't know ASK?!" I shouted just below a roar. I must have shocked pretty good with that display because she looked ready to cry. For real this time.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. Can you fix it? You built it didn't you?" She asked, wiping her eyes. The laugh I let out next scared her a second time.
"Fix it? No. Build it? I don't even know how it works. I might be able to save it if I can open it up and dry it out in-" I tried to say as a piece of the screen floated by my knee. "-time. Or not, I guess. Well, it's gone and there's not much I can do about it, so it's best not to worry with it. Let's get out now, the water's gone cold. I also saw it was pretty late on the phone's clock so, I'll walk you home. Sound good?" I asked.
"Yeah, good idea. It is getting pretty late and ol' "Bonnie's" probably getting worried." She said, getting out of the tub and shaking off. "Let's get a move on!" She shouted.
"Okay, okay I'm coming. Hold your horses." I told her. Wait. And I burst out laughing at what I just said. She just stood there looking at me like I had lost it. Until I stood up that is. She started snickering this time. I reached for a towel and started drying my face.
"What's so funny?" I asked.
"Oh, not much. I just didn't know that humans got so shriveled and wrinkly in the water." she was bursting at the sides trying not to laugh. Oh, so that was her game.
"Well, Ms. Lyra. There is something else you should know about humans...." i took my towel by the opposite corners and twirled it a few times. She stopped laughing to watch me. "Never laugh at one with a rolled up wet towel."
"Ooooooh, whatcha gonna do? Wrinkle my fur-KA-SNAP!-YIPE!"
Lyra's left flank now sported a small, red welt to the right of her harp. We were on our way to her home where as luck would have it I was now spending the night. Twilight had gotten tired of the racket and thrown the both of us out. (after I had gotten dressed thankfully)
"So with all that music on your phone thingy, can you sing at all?" she asked.
I cringed at the question. "No Lyra, I can't. The last time I tried the dog tucked his tail between his legs and ran from the room screaming. I know how to take a hint." I replied, Poor dog was never the same again. We both laughed at the thought. From there on, she decided to tell me what she knew about humans. She was about to tell me about the few recorded human sightings that had been reported recently, but made a *shush* noise as we neared the house that she and Bon-Bon lived in.
"All the lights are out so she's probably gone to bed already. Just be quiet and try not to wake her." She said, quietly unlocking the door. Wait, where did that key come from? No matter, I had something else on my mind.
'So, I'm curious, you and Bon-Bon. Are you two just roommates or are you-" I was interrupted as the door burst open and a VERY angry looking mare with curlers in her mane stuck her head out.
"Wake wh-OHGOODCELESTIAHE'SREAL!" I knelt, so as to be more at eye level with her.
"Hi! You must be Bon-Bon. Nice to meet (*KLUNK*) you.... Uh, does she usually faint like this?"
After I'd helped carry the unconscious earth mare to their bedroom, Lyra brought me a couple of pillows and a blanket.
"Sorry we don't have an extra bed, but you can use the couch if you want."
"Thank-you Lyra, you're being more than generous." I said and spread the blanket out on the couch. She gave me a funny look as I settled down on top of it.
"You're not gonna cover up with it?"
"Nope. Never have liked sleeping under one."
"Well, suit yourself. The bathroom is across the hall from the bedroom if you need it. Goodnight, human." She said and turned back down the hall. I smacked my face. Of course! I hadn't even introduced myself!
"Sorry. My name is Anthony. I have a nickname I go by, but, it sounds pretty generic. Maybe I'll tell you some other time. Again, I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself earlier." I apologized.
"Hmm, Anthony. It fits you." She said and shut the door. I lay back on the couch and drifted off to sleep, wondering if I would ever get home again, or if I really wanted to. Sure my family and friends were there, but, this was an opportunity for something nobody else had done before. To see a new world. Meet new lifeforms see new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before. Dear God, I was paraphrasing Star Trek. I guess I needed sleep worse than I thought. I slept like a rock. Or at least felt like I was sleeping under one.
I woke up extra early the next morning. Not because of some noise, or a bomb going off or anything remotely pleasant. A lone bright beam of sun came through a part in the curtains and right into my eyes. Cursing the weapons grade sunshine, I staggered to the bathroom. Seeing that my two hosts weren't up yet and deciding that it might put Bon-Bon in a better mood, i went into the kitchen to make some breakfast. The kitchen was surprisingly well equipped. All the appliances looked like they were really well taken care of. The stove, fridge microwave, wall-eyed pegasus, even a well stocked pant-. Pegasus? I turned and looked next to the refrigerator and yep, sure enough, a grey, wall-eyed pegasus. It's too early in the morning for shenanigans. I face-palmed. Way too early.
"Ms. Pegasus, What are you doing in Lyra's kitchen? When did you even get here?" I asked. She blinked and grinned.
"My name is Derpy Hooves, and I'm here for breakfast! Oh, and I spent the night." she said
"Ohhhhhkayyyyy, then where did you sleep? My name is Anthony, by the way"
"The couch."
The couch. Right........ Wait. "Ms. Derpy, I slept on the couch"
"I know. I slept on your back and you didn't even notice! You're a really heavy sleeper!" She said with the same grin as before. I just stood there in utter disbelief. I had absolutely no way to come back on that one. I shook my self from my stupor.
"Well, as long as you're here, you're gonna help! I'm afixing to start cooking." I asked her. She snapped to attention.
"FOR MUFFINS!" She shouted.
"FOR COFFEE!" I answered. We both spun, ending up side by side at the stove.
"FOR BREAKFAST!" We both shouted, raising a fist and hoof in the air respectively. We held the pose until we heard a slow applause coming from the doorway. There stood Lyra and Bon-Bon, both looking more than a little annoyed.
"Nice show, you two should go on tour." The cream colored pony said sarcastically. I felt my face flush while Derpy just stood there bowing to our "audience". "If you're taking requests though, how about Muffins and fried apples?" Sounded good to me. Derpy thought for a minute.
"I don't know that one. Can you hum a few bars?" She asked. And here I thought I was good for a groaner or two. Bon-Bon just shook her head.
"She actually does this pretty often. But here's some bits to go and get some apples." she said and handed me a small pouch full of coins. Naturally, I opened it.
"HOLY F*#KING SHIT! IT'S GOLD!" I hollered. I had never seen so much. All three mares looked at me like I was now certifiably insane. I looked up. "What? This bag weighs at least three pounds. Considering what gold was going for when I left ($1752.54 per ounce for those wondering), this is a couple years pay for me! I'm allowed to be a little shocked." I said matter-of-factually.
"Huh." was all any of them had to say on it. Bon-Bon continued. "We usually just send Derpy, but last time she came back with all muffins."
"Well, they were apple-cinnamon." Lyra admitted. Bon-Bon shot her a stare that made her shut up with a small "eep!" of fear. Definitely not roommates.
"DON'T. DEFEND. HER." she growled. I was glad I had already used the bathroom. She turned back to me, smiling like nothing had ever happened. "Just get some apples and muffins and try not to draw too much attention to yourselves." she said. I put the bag on my belt and offered my arm to Derpy.
"Shall we be off, Ms. Hooves?" I asked. She put her wing around my arm.
"Yes, Let's" She answered as we shut the door behind us. the other two mares just looked at each other.
"Oh, no. Now there are two of them!" Lyra muttered.
Luckily, it was still pretty early, so there weren't many ponies about. The few that did see me gave us a wide berth. Derpy and I just smiled and waved. It didn't take us long to find a nice looking apple cart not to far way from the weirdest looking bakery I'd ever seen. It reminded me of Hansel and Gretel's story. I knew that story. It was one of my favorites growing up. Now way in hell was I going in that place. Derpy dug some bits out of the pouch and trotted merrily to (I figured) her doom. She was already too far away to stop. I shed a tear. Alas, fair Derpy. I knew ye not well. I went about browsing the apple selection and quickly found my favorites, honey-crisp. They were right next to what seemed to be rainbow painted apples. Not sure of what kind they actually were, I was deciding to go with standard red delicious when I heard running and a woman yell.
"Get away from mah apples ya ugly looking critter!" the pony yelled. I looked up'
I don't recall much of what happened after that. That is until I woke up in a small, dark, room several hours later. I came to on a cot staring at a low, bare ceiling. I shifted and hit the floor. I saw iron bars on the way down. After picking my sorry butt up off the floor and bumping my head on the low ceiling. I was starting to wonder if these ponies had built a special prison for midget ponies. "Great, just great my first trip to a new world and I get tossed in midget jail." I muttered to myself. A snort of suppressed laughter brought my attention to the cell door. A new pony was there. She looked to be about a few inches shorter than me, not counting the horn she sported. Her coat was a sort of royal blue with a flowing mane of a darker shade that seemed to be dotted with twinkling stars. She noticed me staring and nervously shuffled her wings. I remembered something the pink one had told me. Let's see; blue, wings, horn, slightly larger...... "Princess Luna I presume?" She seemed a little shocked that I called her name.
"Y-yes. My sister and I were notified when a strange creature was brought to our dungeon. Shortly there after, a rather strange mailmare dropped in through one of our windows ranting about an Anthony being locked up by mistake. do you know her? I've seen her here and there before but never actually spoke to her." The princess said. I sat down on the floor.
"Yes ma'am, i do know her. Her name is Derpy. Due to her eyes I think. But, yeah she's sort of a friend I guess." I explained. "Why do you ask? She's not in trouble, is she?"
The princess was a little taken aback. "NO! No, not at all. Once my sister heard your name, she put two and two together and figured out it was you in here. She then sent me to retrieve you. are you quite ready?" Luna asked.
She opened the door and I stepped out, finally able to stretch. My back popped several times, and my knees, neck shoulders followed suit. Man, i sound like a bowl of a certain breakfast cereal when I get up. I rubbed my face feeling for a bruise from that pony that nailed me. Yep! there was a hoof shaped one on my forehead. I grumbled. "Let's go, your highness."
AppleJack was in the middle of cleaning up the overturned baskets from the problem earlier. She felt pretty proud of herself. "Ah bet that varmint thinks twice 'fore showing his face 'round here again." She said to herself. She righted an upturned basket and saw a frantic looking pegasus flying erratically. "Hey there Derpy! Lose somethin"?
The grey blur landed and focused both eyes on the farmer. "Hiya AppleJack! I did! Uh, actually somepony. Bon-Bon sent the two of us out earlier to get breakfast and now I can't find him anywhere. Have you seen him?" She asked hopefully.
"Naw. Ah ain't seen nothing since that monster critter attacked mah apple cart earlier." The orange pony said. Derpy was stunned. she hadn't heard anything about a monster.
"Were you scared? What did you do? What did it look like?" she asked busy mare. AppleJack put the last apple back in place and turned to her friend.
"He weren't scary at all. He's a might tall though, walked on two legs and had some nasty looking fangs on him. Ah bucked him right in the face and he went down pretty quick. Then Ah found a couple of guards in town an got 'em ta haul him back to the princess's dungeon." She told the pegasus. AppleJack walked around to pick up her hat from the other side of the cart. "Hey Derpy? Would you like a zap apple? It's on the-" She looked around but the other mare was gone. "-house."
"Where could those two be? I'm STARVING!" A pink and blue maned earth pony moaned. Her companion poured another cup of coffee and slurped loudly. The green unicorn trudged back to the table and plopped her head down.
We entered the Royal Throne Room (no, not the one that flushes!) to see Celestia sitting on her throne, shining like the very sun itself. My glasses didn't help in the slightest. While my eyes were still adjusting, Luna moved to her seat to the right of her sister and I was tackled by an over enthusiastic grey pegasus. I saw stars swirling around and briefly wondered if anyone had ever tried to grab one. A certain weight on my torso and excited shout brought me out of my musing.
"You're okay!" Derpy shouted from her apparently comfortable perch.
"Yes Ms. Hooves, I am. Though not for much longer if you don get off of me!" I wheezed. She chuckled nervously and removed herself. I stood up and caught my breath. GASP! Air! I could breathe again! I was a little surprised. I mean, the others were so light. I'd heard of buns of steel, but asses of lead? Hmmm, now that I think about it, I was fairly certain I knew quite a few people back home with that condition.
I must have been standing there staring into space for a while because Derpy took it upon herself to remind me there were people-er ponies I guess waiting to speak to me. I grinned and ruffled her mane making her blush a little. Darn. This whole thing was picture perfect and my camera was busted. The princesses just chuckled. Thet were soon joined by by a third, deeper, louder voice.
"Hmm hmm hmm ha ha ha haaa. What a lovely little scene we have here. Well Anthony, it seems you're adjusting to this world fairly easily." A tall figure suddenly appeared between the thrones. It's or well, his I guess, limbs looked like they had been thrown together from left over parts but, there was no mistaking what he was.
"HOLY SHINOLA! DRAAAGONNN!" I shouted. He snapped his fingers and both princesses vanished in twin flashes of light. Derpy hid behind me, quivering in terror. I just stared at the patchwork monstrosity. Seriously, this thing was at least eleven different animals. I just stood, staring at his face, too scared to move. The more I looked though, the more something at the back of my mind kept jabbing at me. Something that should be fairly obvious. Something about that snaggle tooth and those eyes.... I had seen them before, but where? Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
"The old man...." I mumbled. The creature blinked at me before bursting into a fit of maniacal laughter.
"I thought you never would catch on." He said, wiping a tear from his eye. He sat down and reclined in Luna's empty throne and continued. "I am Discord! Lord and Spirit of Chaos incarnate!" Listen, Anthony," he said appearing from behind me and stepping over the frightened pegasus, "I brought you to this world because I was bored you see. I needed some entertainment. For a while I let the ponies think I was imprisoned in a statue while I roamed the multiverse. Caused some mischief here, pestered a starship captain there, but after a few centuries it got tedious. So I came up with this honey of an idea that you get to be a part of." He said as he revealed his grand plan.
"Yay me." I muttered, placing myself between Derpy and Discord. Sure I didn't know her that well, but that didn't mean I was going to let him make her disappear like the princesses.
"Oh, and before I forget, I'm not a dragon. I'm a draconequus. You were close, but as they say, but no cigar. Anyway, back to my beautiful plan. I've hidden the princesses in two locations in two different universes and that's where you come in, my little human. You have to find them." He said with unrestrained glee. The glare on my face must have bothered him. "Now, now I'll have none of that. They are unharmed. All we need to do to get started is for you to sign this teeny, tiny little contract." He pulled a roll of parchment from.... somewhere and pointed to the dotted line. "It'll give you slightly improved regenerative abilities, and some other, minor less important things. Heck, put on a good enough show and I may even give you some sort of reward. Whaddaya say?" He asked with a toothy grin.
"An enticing offer, no doubt. I have to ask though, what if I refuse?" I asked, taking the contract. Discord stroked his beard in thought.
"Hmmmm, if you refuse.... Well, not too much. I'll just rule Equestria and Earth is all. Oh, and you and your friends get sent to the moon, POST HASTE!" He said with a growl that made him sound serious for the first time.
This. Royally. Sucked. I had to play this little game and rescue two creatures I hardly even knew from God knows where from God knows what. Or I could do nothing. That would doom me, and the well friends I had made here to almost certain death, and doom our worlds to be ruled by this Discord character. I thought for a minute and looked down at my companion. There was a small puddle on the floor where she had been crying. She sniffled and looked up at me. Well, that's that. I cleared my throat.
"I just have two questions. One; Do I have to go alone? and two; How do I travel like that?" I asked.
He snorted. "Is that all? Well, You can bring as much help as you would like, so long as the job gets done. Secondly, the "how" is up to you." He said, circling me in the air drinking..... chocolate milk? Damn, now I wanted some. "One more thing, the document needs to be signed in blood. Now don't ask why, I don't know the details myself, but it helps bind the magic to you." he said pointing at my hand and handing me a quill.
I shrugged. I'd had worse done in a Wal-Mart. I jabbed the quill into my arm until blood dribbled down to my fingers, using my index finger to sign. Discord made a face. "Ugh! No need to be so dramatic! A simple finger print would have sufficed. Anywho, the deed is done. I would give you a hint but, while I'm nice, I'm not that nice. Oh, what the heck. The first place you should check is th place you might least suspect. To find your missing princess of the sun, go back to where this tale had first begun." he said with an echoing voice as his form faded from view.
The room was silent and empty except for Derpy and myself. She suddenly pounced on me from behind and I found myself face-planting three feet away. I rolled over, only to come face to face with an angry mare. She was cute when she was angry. Cute and down right scary.
"Why did you sign that devil's contract? You didn't even read it! Are you insane? He could make you do anything!" She yelled. Mare's got a point
"Very true, but if you had a better idea, WHY THE DEUCE DIDN'T YOU SPEAK UP?! Listen, we need to get Celestia, but we need to get out of here, and fast." My vision started swimming. "Heeeyyyy Deerrrp...." I slurred as I hit the floor with a loud PLOP!
"Oops, sorry. I forgot to give you your magic. Welp, here you are champ! Now go get 'em! Hahahaha.....!" Discord's voice said. The last thing I remember from that room was a burning, tingling sensation.
"MARSHMALLOW!" I shouted as I sat bolt upright in bed. Wait, bed? When did that happen. The last thing I could recall was hitting the floor in the throne room. This bed was soft and a lot bigger than I imagined a pony bed to be. It almost fit me just right. The room was fairly plain a wooden nightstand with a lamp, a desk and a cabinet next to a small closet. The desk was empty save for a few pictures. Where was everyone?
"Derpy? Twilight? Lyra? Anybody?" I called out.
"Hey guys! He's awake!" A voice said as the door on the far wall opened. It was a pegasus with a light blue coat and a multicolored mane. I decided to take a wild guess on her name.
"Hey Rainbow, Where am I?" I asked catching the poly-chromatic maned mare off guard.
"Have we met? How do you know my name?" She asked, eyeing me cautiously. I chuckled.
" HAHA. I highly doubt it. I just took a wild guess, seeing that mane of yours. Why? Was I close? No way, Your name is Rainbow?" I asked, studying the odd expression on her face.
"Yeah actually. Rainbow Dash! I'm the fastest flyer in Equestria." She said with more confidence flaring her wings out. Just then the others walked in, hooves clip-clopping on the wooden floor. Twilight was the first in, followed by Derpy, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Lyra, a white unicorn with a deep blue mane, and an orange earth pony wearing a cowboy hat. I had a feeling that I should know that last one, but I had no idea why. Every last one looked like someone had kicked a puppy into a small child and lit both on fire.
I asked the obvious. "Who died?"
"The princesses are gone, Discord is back, and you pass out for four days and you make jokes?" Twilight snapped. Yeesh! Obviously not one to be trifled with.
"Yeah! What do you expect? Muffins?"Derpy asked. Wait a sec, what did Twilight say? I tried to think as she rattled off what had happened since Discord. Thinkthinkthinkthink.....
"And Derpy carried you all the way back here to the library...."FOUR DAYS!?"....by herself." Ms. Sparkle finished. "Yes, four days. In my bed. She's been taking care of you the whole time too, with some help from Fluttershy. You're probably a little hungry aren't you?" she asked, her tone softening a little. In answer my stomach roared like Godzilla tearing up Tokyo. We all had a laughed a little at my belly's announcement. I felt dizzy and put my hands to my head to steady myself. Or rather I tried to. I felt something hard. I pulled my arms down and looked. Two blue hooves.
"OH COME ONNNNN! A pony? Seriously? Discord, when I get my hands I mean hooves on you, I'll.."You'll what? Didn't you read that contract you signed? No? Well, you probably should have. Until, I end that contract, you can't lay a hoof on me. I'll be dropping in from time to time to keep things interesting. Ta! I shook my head. Most of the girls had cleared out leaving just Fluttershy and Derpy, both looking at me a little worried.
"Um, who were you talking to?" Fluttershy asked. I blinked and looked at both mares.
"Really? Neither one of you heard it?" I asked? They shook their heads. "Sorry for worrying you. Could you leave me for a minute, I need to think." Fluttershy got her first aid kit and walked out. "You too, Derpy." She stomped a hoof down defiantly.
"Oh, no! I was there when Discord showed up, I carried you all the way back from Canterlot, and I've been looking after you these last few days. I'm not leaving just because you want to sulk. We started this together, and by Luna we'll finish it together. Like it or not, you're stuck with me." she said, sticking her tongue out with this last part.
Shaking my head and smiling to myself, I rolled out of Twilight's bed and landed with a loud CLOP! Conveniently enough there was a vanity on the side of the room I landed on, so i could finally survey the damage. A navy blue, chocolate brown eyed unicorn stallion looked back at me from the mirror. I noticed I was only slightly taller than Derpy and more heavily built. My mane and tail were just as my hair had been dark brown with a grey streak and unkempt. I was about to ask where my glasses were, but I found I didn't need them. I wasn't exactly blind before, but this was like 20/20 vision. That's when I noticed Derpy staring at me with flared wings. More specifically, at my new flank.
*ahem*"See something you like, Ms. Hooves?" I teased.
"No. I mean Yes! I mean your flank!" She stumbled out. I turned my head back and looked. Nothing. I looked at her and arched an eyebrow. She sighed. "It's blank." Still not sinking in here. She shook her head. "Don't worry about it."
I tried to walk to the door, but wound up kissing the floor with every other step. After the fifth time, Derpy decided to help me. She caught me on the next stumble.
"C'mon, Let me give you a hoof." she said and wrapped a wing over my back. "Just lean on me and watch how I do it." We practiced walking around the room a few times and I nearly had the hang of it. "Go on, try it by yourself." she said. I did. I'd like to say I did pretty well. If you consider cantering into the bed at full speed and landing on my back next to it pretty well. I just lay there muttering curses most sailors wouldn't use, while my "coach" laughed her bubble sided flank off. She flapped over and landed on the bed, still grinning. Was she in for a shock. i jumped up and tackled her into a bear hug back onto the bed.
"What are you-AAAACCCKKK!" She yelped.
"Think my pain and suffering is funny, eh? Well then, laugh at this!" I yelled as I began a relentless tickle assault.
"I give! I give!" She squeaked. I stood over my latest victim in triumph. Twilight burst into the room loudly.
"What are you two doing..." she paused as she took in the scene "...in here? Not in my bed you're not! She screamed, her mane smouldering.
"Oh hey Twilight! She lost the tickle fight." I said grinning from ear to ear.
"OUT!" The newly evolved rapidash bellowed. Derpy and I took the hint and hauled butt. Me with my poofy tail firmly tucked in between my legs and Derpy with her wings fully extended. Seven sets of eyes were staring at us. The girls all had looks ranging from amusement to slight embarrassment. Lyra, who was laughing even more than Pinkie, sidled up to Derpy and nudged her side.
"Staking your claim already, huh?" She teased. Derpy just blushed and lowered her wings. Thankfully, a still smoking Twilight emerged from the bedroom and shot the unicorn a death stare.
"Enough foaling around! Tell us everything and I mean EVERYTHING that happened. How you got here, what Discord said, and oh, I don't don't know, why you're a unicorn now!" Twilight ordered. Hoo boy, what did I get myself into?
"Okay, but two things. One; I'm gonna answer that last bit first and two; after this we eat! No ifs ands or buts." I said. They all nodded. "Good. Actually I'ma combine most of that." I trotted (hey, I'm learning!) in front of my audience and started pacing. "*ahem* Discord claims he was bored and is sending me on kind of a treasure hunt to find your princesses. That's why he brought me here. He also thought that for whatever reason, making me a unicorn would be a nice extra challenge. As for how, I haven't the foggiest idea. All I do know is that he gave me some device that opened a portal, but I'm pretty sure it was only one way. He did give us a hint on where Celestia is though. I've just about figured his little riddle out. I'm sure he meant it to be confusing, but it was fairly straight forward." The mares all leaned in expectantly. Heh. I spun suddenly. "EARTH!" I shouted. They all fell over in shock. Don't look at me like that, I couldn't resist. Rainbow Dash stood back up and rubbed her head.
"Where is she?" she asked.
"Earth, didn't you hear me? What are you laughing at?" I asked her.
"Your home is dirt! Bwa-haaa-hahahaha" She fell over again, laughing this time. She raised her hoof and pointed at me. "Dirt." was all I managed to understand between fits of laughter.
"Laugh it up feather-brain. keep it up and I'll make a new pillow full of blue feathers." I said. She shut-up real quick and stared at me. I grinned innocently and made some weird squeaky noise. "Now, If I could please continue?" Once more I had everyone's attention. "Thank-you. I may know where the princess is, but I don't know how to get there. Any ideas?"
"Well, you are a unicorn now, why not a teleportation spell?" Pinkie chimed in after a moment of silent thought from the group. We all turned to stare at her. "Ugh! Why does everypony always act so surprised when ever I come up with a good idea." She mumbled. The face she made would have curdled milk.
"Okaaay.... Actually Pinks, that's a pretty good idea. Thanks." I said and turned to look at Twilight. We had a short staring contest before the light-bulb lit up over her head. I shooed Pinkie and her lamp away. "Nice touch though." I told her as she giggled and bounced away. This time, Twilight's face lit up with actual understanding.
"You don't know how to use magic at all, do you? Normally, it takes about five years for ponies to master basic magic and anywhere from ten on up for the more advanced stuff. You on the other hoof," and got face to face me with a wicked grin, "are rather lucky. I've been working on a spell for unicorns that have been seriously injured or might have learning disabilities. It's an experience compression and transference spell. I call it E-CATS for short. And you get to be my first test subject." She squealed with glee. Her horn glowed a blinding white and she moved to touch it to mine.
"Why me Lord? Why me?" was all I had time to say before I had the strangest dream ever.
I came to with a violent shudder. "So. Much. Twilight. Ohhhhh....." I groaned with a shiver in my voice. I forced my eyes open only to be blinded by technicolor overload. I was still in the library and everyone was staring at me. The unicorn in question was standing over me with a confused expression.
"So much me? What are you talking about?" She asked. I never was one to pass up an opportunity like this. I curled into the fetal position and pointed an accusing hoof at her.
"You! You were in my mind! Telling me things, Showing me things! You and Spike and some owl!" I murmured.
"Who?" A brown blob of feathers asked.
"You! Oh God! Unicorns! Dragons! Roast Owls! Blblblblblblblblblblbl" I said twiddling my hoof on my lips. The orange one just placed her hat over her heart.
"Twi, Ah think y'all done broke him." She said solemnly.
"Ha-ha! Nah just messin with ya. I could use a cup of water though." I said, sitting up and looking around. A pink ball of energy bounced up and tossed a can to me. I caught it with my magic and floated it up to take a look at the label. It look suspiciously similar to a drink that "gives you wings".
"Here! Try this! it always helps me recover after a big party." Pinkie Pie told me.
I shrugged, popped the tab, and downed it in one go. The resulting belch caused her poofy mane to stand back like it she had been in a wind tunnel. After her mane sprang back to normal she held up a "9" scorecard. I floated her over and gave her a hug so hard, I heard her back pop. I let her go, and it hit me. I had just used telekinesis, or some variation thereof. I turned to thank Twilight, but the smug looking mare just smiled and said, "You're welcome. Your first round of lessons begins as soon as we get a safe distance from town, just in case something goes wrong. Though, it shouldn't as long as you listen to me. Let me know when you're ready."
A few hours later, I had found out just how much experience she had shared with me. I now had minor telekinesis, elemental control, and teleportation, which according to her, I still needed a lot more practice with. (I don't think we'll ever find that sonic screwdriver again.) The sun was setting as we headed back into town. Wait. If the princesses were gone...
"Uhhhh..." I said looking up.
"If you're going to ask about the sun still moving, the princesses always have a spell in effect in case one or the other can't move it. It should hold for a few days, don't worry." She said as we walked up to the library. Pinkie and Derpy had elected to go with us and were talking quietly to each other. We went in and sat on the benches in the main room. Twilight paced around us.
"Okay, so your crash course in unicorn magic 101 is over. I think it's time we start working on a plan." She said in a deadly serious tone. The others had gone home so it was just us. Apparently, while I was out cold, she had seen fit to send Spike to the castle to help field messages coming in for the Royal Sisters. I kind of felt bad for the little guy. My stomach grumbled slapped me in the face to remind me it was empty. I raised a hoof. Twilight stopped and rolled her eyes.
"Anthony, this isn't a classr-"FOOD! HUNGRY! EAT NOW! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE!"-oom. Well, alright. Let's take a break for, let's see. What time is it?" She asked looking at the clock.
Pinkie spang up to her hind hooves. "ADVENTURE MMPH!" She tried to shout as a blue hoof was jammed in her muzzle. Ha! This is fun. Derpy's eyes focused on me and she frowned. Uh-oh. this might be trouble.
"Anthony! That wasn't very MMPH!" And there went my other hoof.
CHOMP!
"OWOWOWOWOWOW! GET IT OFF ME! GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF! AAAAAAAARGH!" I yelled and ran around failing trying to get the pegasus dislodged.
"Ptoo! Mmm, blueberries...." She said as I saw my escape and bolted to the kitchen.
Twilight turned to Pinkie. "And I thought you were random."
I threw a quick meal together. Nothing much, just some grilled cheese and a box of something called "hay fries". I brought out four plates and a pitcher of tea I had found in the fridge and sat them on the dining room table. The three mares just stared at me.
"Is there something on my face?" I asked.
"No, we just didn't expect you to be done so fast." Twilight said. We all sat down and ate our sandwiches. I was halfway done when Twilight asked what I did for a living back home.
"Oh, not much. I was just a short order cook. I was usually stuck in the kitchen unless something needed fixing. So, Derpy, blueberries?" I asked with a grin.
"Hm?" She asked with her tongue sticking out from licking the salt off her plate. Seeing her with one eye looking up, one eye looking down and her tongue hanging out was too much and I fell over laughing. Twilight sighed.
"Pinkie, let's get the dishes cleared so that whenever he calms down, we can get down to business." She said collecting the plates. She looked around. "Pinkie? Huh? I wonder where she went. For that matter, where are the plates?" She muttered to herself. The pink mare came bouncing from the kitchen.
"Done and done!" She said merrily. twilight just shook her head. She should have known.
"Alright. Now that everypony is settled, any ideas on how we should go about this?" The studious purple mare asked. I looked around. Derpy was deep in thought, and Pinkie was..... I'm not even sure what she was up to, but involved balloons and oatmeal. SIGH.
"I have something. The teleportation spell works of memory or line of sight, correct?" I asked. The unicorn nodded. "So, it would stand to reason that we could use it as long as there was power to back it up. Using the knowledge I got from you earlier, a portal style spell might work best to get us there. Though that presents another problem." I said rubbing my chin.
"Really? What would that be?" Pinkie asked.
"Oh, just the minor issue of that being first contact for humans. We would be carted away to some government laboratory, dissected, analyzed and whatever was left would be locked away in some hidden vault." I replied with sarcastic joy.
"You scare me worse than she does." Twilight spoke up and flicked her tail at Pinkie. The pink one looked a little crestfallen. I walked over and patted her on the back.
"You still scare me plenty." I told her. She perked up a little. Twilight shook her head.
"Anyway, you're right. The spell should work like that, though it's never been done on this scale. There's no telling what could happen. You may even get stuck in the Void." She said making some quick calculations on an abacus. I perked my ears up.
"The Void?" I asked.
"Yeah. The space between worlds. It's been called a few different things over the years; the Void, the In-Between, The Never-Never, just to name a few. You really don't want to get stuck there." she said finishing with her abacus. I sat there blinking and shaking my head. It couldn't be THAT Never-Never right? I mean the odds of that are-SNORE! I nearly jumped out of my pony skin. Derpy had fallen asleep next to me and had slumped against me at the same time as that snore. I wrapped her in a blue field of magic, got off the bench and eased her back down and tucked a pillow under her head. Quietly walking away, I sat down next to Pinkie.
"Wow, she really looks comfortable." Pinkie said as a rather impressive puddle of drool started forming under the sleeping mare's mouth. I was just glad I didn't have to wash the pillow.
"Yeah, well, she needs to rest. She said she was going with me whether I liked it or not." I said watching said drool spill onto the floor. I was starting to wonder if I should be looking for life rafts at this point.
"She must've really taken a liking to you." Pinkie giggled. Twilight just rolled her eyes.
"That's something that's been bothering me. Why is everyone-er pony, so sweet and kind? If you acted like this back home, you'd be likely locked up in the looney bin." I said gravely. After a few minutes of thinking, Twilight spoke up.
"Haven't you ever noticed that you feel and act differently with your friends than any other time? That feeling, that energy is what ponies here thrive on. We encourage friendship with everypony from an early age. Annnnd random inspiration strikes again!" She shouted with manic glee catching Pinkie and myself off guard. Derpy just rolled over.
"Well, don't keep us in suspense, what is it?" I asked.
"If you could make a portal strong enough for three ponies, I could cast a temporary disguise spell that would make us homan for a short time." She said looking at her bookshelves. Pinkie quickly ran up beside her.
"Psst. Twilight. It's spelled human not homan." She whispered in the others ear. Twilight jerked back and the both of us just stared at her like she had grown an extra set of legs. "Ugh. Someponies just don't understand comedy. It's time I went home anyway, I have a huge cupcake order to fill in the morning. Goodnight!" She sang out and headed out the door. It shut and I looked to my host.
"Twilight, could you demonstrate that disguise spell? I'm wondering how it works." I asked and we moved to a back part of the room so as not to disturb the sleeping Derpy.
"Of course. Just give me a minute." She said and closed her eyes in concentration. A mist surrounded her and began glowing after a second or two. After a moment the mist cleared and I could see the result. Before me stood a young woman, roughly my height. She had purplish hair that ran down to just past her shoulder and a pale complexion fitting of someone who inside a lot. She was also sporting a set of huge, shiny..... purple eyes. She was also stark naked. Having to look up to her, it was very hard to keep eye contact.
"Well? How do I look?" She asked, doing a little spin. Ye Gods!
"U-um, very h-human. I stammered.
"Is something wrong?" she asked.
"No, I wouldn't say wrong but, for humans, it's a little more awkward to keep certain body parts concealed than it is for fur covered ponies." I explained. She looked a little confused.
"I'm afraid I don't follow." she said. I facehoofed and pointed to a mirror on the wall. She looked. "Oh,wow! Is that me? I look awesome! Hey, is that my-oooh. I guess then these would be- ooookay, I think I understand now." She mumbled, turning a shade of red. I floated a nearby blanket over to her and draped it around her shoulders.
"But hey, you got the look down damn near perfect!" I told her with a cheesy grin.
"Yeah, but it's only temporary. The spell only lasts about six hours or so. We'll need a place to stay while we're on your world." She said and tied the blanket around her neck like a cape. I shrugged and yawned.
"It shouldn't be much of a problem. I've got a tidy little sum saved up so a motel shouldn't be a problem or hell, we could stay at my place. It's not much but, it'd be free." I said doing a double shrug and face planting. Twilight let out a loud laugh that faded into a loud yawn.
"I think it's time to turn in for the night," she mumbled. I nodded my agreement. I stood and rubbed my face.
"So, I take it that other bed is still available?" I asked hopefully. She sighed.
"No. There was an unfortunate incident involving Spike and a spider not long after you left the other night. To be blunt, he torched it. Missed the spider completely. It looks like we'll have to share a bed." She said as we went up the stairs. My parents raised me better.
"No, the gentleman would let the lady have the bed. I'll just curl up on the rug. No worries." I said, already half asleep. She giggled.
"You're right. A gentlecolt would, but we're talking about you." She snarked. My eyes snapped open. Aw, hell naw! Think quick Anthony!
"Sure, why not?" I said and trotted over to her bed when suddenly... "Hey! What was that on the balcony?" I whispered. She walked over and poked her head out the balcony door.
"What? I don't see any-WHOA! HEY!" She shrieked as I yanked the towel away and pushed her out the door, which was locked behind her. I stretched out in the comfy, spacious bed and watched my handiwork as sleep slowly took hold. Hearing her shout and seeing her jump around out there almost made me let her back in. I cracked an eye open for a last look. Almost.
The beach. One of my least favorite places. I never did care much for the heat. Or the sand. Or the crowds. Or the overpriced drinks you usually found there. This was different. No throngs of people sitting asses to elbows. Just me, laying back in the shade of an umbrella dozing with a cooler full of drinks, and Derpy building castles in the sand nearby. I reached into the bag I was using for a footrest and pulled out an old radio that normally sat on my desk. I flipped it on and found a relaxing song and set it down next to my head. Letting out an epic yawn, I lay back down with my hands under my head, just watching the clouds drift by. My eyes had just closed when I heard the soft flap of my friend's wings above me. I peeked up and saw her hovering there, smiling down at me with a bucket in her hooves. A bucket full of water. My eyes popped shut, just as my head was soaked. The flying demon floated malevolently back to her sand castle, cackling the whole time. I laughed a little myself. She got me good and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. I got up, stretched and got a soda out of the cooler and stepped into the sun to dry. I looked up to the burning sun. Burning. Burning.
"Man, that thing really is burning. It fells like it's getting hotter by the second. Shit!" I yelped as the soda boiled out of the bottle. Pinkie Pie suddenly bounced into sight wearing the typical grass skirt and coconuts.
"Wow, this beach is great! But, I'd wake up now if I were yoooooouuuuuu." she said in a singsong voice and continued on her way.
There was a weight on me. What ever this weight was it was hot. My ears twitched. And angry, judging by the growling noise. "Wha-huh? Oh, heya Twilight-OHGOD!" I shouted, looking into the eyes of the four legged inferno.
"I suppose you're proud of yourself, aren't you? It took all night for the spell to wear off! I couldn't cast any magic as a human and when I finally do manage to get back in, I find you and Derpy in my bed! I. Will. Smite. You." The flaming unicorn said menacingly. I sat up at that accusation.
"Ms. Sparkle. I'll have you know that Ms. Hooves is--mmm too many muffins...--.....right here apparently." I said, interrupted by the lump to my right. I chuckled nervously and glanced at Twilight. "Want me to make some breakfast? heh-heh."
"No." She sighed. "Just leave so I can get some rest. Oh, and take her with you. You're going to need to practice that portal spell some more." She said and picked up the WHOLE SHEET SET IN ONE BIG BUNDLE with her magic and threw us out the bedroom door. We landed with a heavy thud which finally woke up Derpy. She shook her head and her eyes rolled in opposite directions.
"What happened?" She asked. What happened indeed?
"I don't know Derpy, you tell me. How did you end up in the bed with me last night? I asked the mare.
"Oh. That. You see, I woke up and it was dark and I couldn't remember where I was. When I did remember I went to ask Twilight for a blanket. When I got upstairs, I saw a lump under the covers and figured it was her. The bed looked so comfortable, I just flopped down. You're not mad are you?" She asked as pitifully as she could.
"Of course not. It takes a bit more than that to get me really riled up. Though if word gets out, ponies will talk." I explained, shaking my head. She looked like she didn't catch on. I laughed. "So let them talk. Anywho, Twilight says I need to practice that spell. Let's get cracking on that." I said, looking around. "Hmm. We may want to go outside first." She added.
We walked out of the front door of the library and started off in search of Pinkie Pie. My companion suggested her job, Sugar something or other. I wasn't listening too closely, I was thinking. "What exactly is it you do for a living Derpy?" I asked.
"Huh? Me? I deliver ponies mail everyday. That's a lot of fun. You get to meet the nicest ponies Oh, oh! And sometimes I help out on the weather team. That's the pegasi who take care of the weather." She said beaming a smile that would make any dentist jealous. We slowly made our way through town and nearly got bowled over by an orange filly zipping by on a scooter pulling a wagon with two more fillies. After that a rustling in the leaves overhead made us look up.
"Awwww... You caught me. Looks like my distraction didn't work. Oh well. HEADS UP!" She yelled and did a perfect swan dive. RIGHT. AT. ME. I spied the branch she had just come from and concentrated. A loud POP sounded and I was looking down at the two mares. Derpy was shocked and Pinkie was grinning. "That worked even better than I thought it would. Good job!" She said before landing gracefully on all fours. It was my turn to be shocked.
"Twilight got you to help out, didn't she?" I asked.
"Yep! She came to see me last night. I don't think she thought you could pull it of that quick. That was quick thinking!" She said waving a... giant foam finger around. Don't think too much Anthony, This is another world after all.
"There is just one problem, Pinks." I said VERY calmly.
"Yes?"
"I'M SCARED OF HEIGHTS!" I calmly shouted. Derpy shook her head and flapped up and gave me a lift down.
We continued on to the park and sat around talking for a while once we got there. About an hour went by and we were in a heated discussion over names. I happened to like mine but it seemed to annoy Pinkie that nothing in my full name really meant anything. Derpy was listening intently. At least I think she was. One eye was fixed on me, the other on Pinkie.
She started on another "A pony's name should reflect their talents or their personality! What does Anthony J---."
"Whoa whoa whoa. Hold it. My name was handed down through my family for four generations." I stopped her.
"But, it doesn't even mean anything!" She pleaded.
"Alright smarty britches, then you name me." I snapped.
"Well I- what? Really?" She asked, clearly stunned.
"Yeah, sure. Why not? I'd like a name to fit in better around here." I told her. Then the unthinkable happened. Pinkie sat and thought. After a few minutes she cleared her throat.
"Alright everypony, I've reached a conclusion. This is going to take some serious consideration. I'll be following you, watching you. Based on what I observe, I'll let you know in a few days. Ohmygosh! I completely forgot! I gotta get back and finish that order! Gottagonow!" She yelped and took off in a cloud of dust and a streak of pink. Ah well, back to practicing.
"Well, I've got line of sight down, now to work on that memory/portal type. Any suggestions Derpy? I've only been a few places here, after all." I asked.
"Hmm. I really don't know that much about magic, but, I'd think that using the place that made the strongest impression on you would be best." She replied with a wing shrug. Oh, that is not fair! If I shrugged I'd kiss the ground. Note to self, find a way around this.
I took my friend's advice and started working on places that I knew. The spell worked similar to the line of sight one,just on a bigger scale. That is how Derpy and I came to pop in and out of a few random places around Ponyville. After dozen tries, I started to feeling a little tired. Then a thought occurred to me. I needed to try for a really long distance trip.
"Hey Derpy, I'm going to try one more. This time I'm going to aim for the castle. Go back to the library and let Twilight know for me okay?" I asked her.
"Okay. Just be careful. See you later!" She said as she flew off. Now on to lucky number thirteen. I lowered my head and began focusing my energy. A hole appeared in the air before me, well maybe hole isn't the best description. It was more of a disc that rippled with all sorts of colors, and you couldn't really see through it. I gulped and stepped through, hoping I had aimed right.
The trip lasted only a minute or so but it was really dark and the only lights I could see were the two portal ends glowing brightly. The floor of the In-Between felt like it was made of concrete or some kind of stone and the walls were nowhere to be found. A dark, empty tunnel. Screw this, I'm outta here. The way in felt like nothing at all, no weird feeling, nothing. The way out on the other hand, felt like walking through a wall of Jell-O. I stuck my tongue out.
"Strawberry. Mmm, tasty." I said to myself as I passed through the exit. Too bad it wasn't near the floor. I landed with a plop. I looked around and found myself in what appeared to be cell in the dungeon. There was one difference I noticed immediately. There was no door. "So how do I get out?" I wondered out loud. A low, familiar laugh echoed.
"Try casting the spell again. The one you used to get here. I'm getting impatient. And quit looking around like an idiot! You know good and well who this is." Discord said as he faded again. Huh. Worth a try I guess. I once again focused my energy to my horn and tried to fire off a spell. Instead of opening like it did earlier, it started ricocheting around the small cell. I actually looked pretty cool, until it hit the small cot and vaporized it. Considering the amount of bricks I dropped, I probably could've added a new wing to the castle. Well, that's no good. Might as well try plan B. I walked to the bars. They seemed to be made of some metal I couldn't identify. I wasn't about to try melting them as that ricocheting spell looked a little dangerous. I put my horn to the bars and started walking back and forth and shouting. CLANG-CLANG-CLANG "HEY! HEY GUARD! YOU GOT A NEW PRISONER HERE!" CLANG-CLANG-CLANG GUARD! "GET YOUR SORRY FLANK DOWN HERE NOW!" CLANG-CLANG-CLANG. CLANG-CLANG-CLANGITYCLANGCLANG! "YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? I'M BUSTIN' OUT TONIGHT!" CLANG-CLANG-CLANG-CLANGITYCLANG! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? ANTHONY'S IN JA-IL, ANTHONY'S IN JA-IL!"
"How in the heck did no one hear that? Surely somepony heard that ra- Oh?" I said to myself. It sounded like something headed my way. but it didn't exactly sound like a pony.
scrape-scrape-swish
What the heck?
scrape-scrape-swish
It's getting closer, whatever it is.
scrape-scrape-swish
What if it's something that escaped it cell and eats ponies?
scrape-scrape-swish
It's just around the corner! What if it caught my scent? What if it's scaring me because fear adds more flavor? It won't get me without a fight! I reared up on my back hooves and struck a fighting stance.
"COME GET SOME!" I growled at my presumed killer.
*clatter* A small dust colored pony poked her head around the corner. "Is somepony Ther-AAAAAAAAAGH!"
"AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!" I answered. We both fainted on the spot.
I opened my eyes and found I was in an office of some kind, lying on a couch. The next thing I saw was Twilight sitting on a cushion across from me next to a white unicorn wearing armor of some kind. Twilight was wearing a tired expression and spoke first.
"I let you out of my sight for a minute and what happens? You end up back in the royal dungeon's high security cell. What were you thinking?" she asked with a facehoof. I heard a barely audible chuckle come from nowhere in particular. The white unicorn looked at her.
"You want me to send him back?" He asked.
"NO!" My shout nearly knocked him over.
"uggh. Anthony, could you not damage my brother please? He just got married." She asked. Brother? Greeaaat. Now there's two of them. No need to be too rude, though.
"Sorry 'bout that. So Twilight's brother?" I asked him. I looked at him again. As I said, he was a large white unicorn. His mane and tail were both two-tone blue and of a medium length. I couldn't really see his cutie mark from where I sat, but being as they were family, I assumed it would be similar to his sister's. If those things worked like that.
"Yeah, my name is Shining Armor. Aside from being former captain of the royal guard, I'm also Twiley's b.b.b.f.f. and all around nice stallion. Good to meet you, Anthony. Sis told a little about you while you were out cold." He said, extending his hoof. I wasn't really sure if it was for a hoofshake or a bro-fist, I had something else on my mind.
"*ahem* B.b.b.f.f?" I asked. It was a simple question, requiring a simple answer. Music started from somewhere and Twilight took it upon herself to explain in song form. I leaned over and asked Shining if this happened often.
"NO INTERRUPTIONS!" An angry Twilight yelled and continued on as if nothing happened. After her song finished, she left the two of us and went to fix her mane, which smouldered a little. That mare needs some anger management classes. Her brother decided we needed a little talk.
"Twiley tells me you, her and a pegasus are going to get the princesses back. I really don't care how you do it, but know this," he leaned in close and I could see a flame in his eyes. Yep, definitely related. "If anything happens to her, I'll make the dungeon look like a paradise. Oh hey Twi!" he said and straightened back up as his sister walked back in.
"Anthony, we need to go now. Derpy needs time to get used to her disguise. You ready?" She asked as she walked for the door.
"Yeah, Twi. I'll be along in a minute." I told her. I turned to Shining. "Mr. Armor, you have my word that I will protect both of them with my life. See you around, hoss." I added and joined Twilight in the hallway.
"Say, Twi, You said that cell I was in was a high security cell. What exactly does that mean?" I asked her as we headed to the castle's entrance.
"As you no doubt noticed, there wasn't a door. There are also enchantments placed on it so that magic won't work right on the inside of the cell. On top of that, there is a ward on the whole castle right now to divert all unauthorized teleportation spells to cells like that until they can be sorted out." She said as I held the door open. I was not looking forward to the walk back.
"Um, now that we're out of the castle, do you think you can tele-*POP*-port us back? Huh. I'll take that as a yes." I muttered, blinking the spots from my eyes. I'm going to have to get her to show me that one.
"Spike came back earlier. He should be in the kitchen working on dinner. He could probably use some help. I'm going to go get Derpy and get started on getting her used to the disguise spell. I'll be back in a hour or so." She was half-way out the front door when I stopped her.
"Um, if it ain't too much trouble could you put me back to human form? While the telekinesis is nice, I'd prefer to use my hands. I'm just a little more used to those." I asked with a nervous smile.
"Oh sure! Just a second." She aimed her horn at me, concentrated and fired off a small ball of energy. It hit me and I felt a tingling sensation spread over my body, before suddenly feeling chilly. I looked down. Yep, not a stitch of clothes. Twilight smirked.
"Your clothes are in the cabinet in my bedroom. If you want them." She said and shut the door behind her. I was half tempted to spite her and not get them, but common sense won over. So I joined Spike in the kitchen after getting dressed and found him working on a stir-fry.
"Hey Anthony! Uh, could you get those noodles going?" he asked pointing to the counter behind him. "I would have used rice, but we're out. the pots are in cabinet next to the dishes."
"Sure." I got the noodles cooking quickly and not long after, everything was ready. All we had to do was wait on the girls, so Spike and I decided to pass the time by swapping stories. Spike decided to munch on some gems.
"All over the bathroom walls? Dude, that's gross." He said, turning an odd shade of green and laughing.
"It was. I just feel bad for the poor soul that had to clean it up!" I added, laughing like a maniac. Spike was looking at me funny. "What's up?"
"Your teeth look sharp enough. Want to try a ruby?" he asked. Ha-ha, wat? Eh, why not?
"Sure, pass me one. What's the worst that could happen?"
My eyes snapped open. No, it wasn't Twilight's freight train like snoring that woke me up. It wasn't Spike's muttering. Though now, I wanted to find out who this pony named "Rarity" was. It was the dull throbbing in my mouth. After the little dragon had offered me a gemstone, I tried it of course. My. Big. Bloody. Mistake. I had lost a canine in the aftermath, and it still hurt hours later. Twilight had come back in the middle of this whole ordeal. She sent Derpy home right after she walked in and saw the blood. I rose from my pile of blankets in the storage room that I was sleeping in and staggered to my hooves. Huh, looks like the spell wore off in my sleep. I ran my tongue over the gap where the tooth would have been and groaned. Spike wasn't really at fault here, I guess I was. Probably should've known better. I kept thinking about that fact and repeating it to myself as I shuffled to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. I opened the door to complete darkness.
"Glad these guys have light switches. Now where is it? GAAAAAAAH! MY EYES!" I yelped when I finally turned it on. After conquering near blindness, I opened the cabinet behind the mirror.
"Let's see, looking for aspirin, looking for aspirin....toothpaste, nope. Floss, nope. Comb, nope. Tamp-BWAAH! Nopenopenope." (Didn't realize ponies even used those.) Then I spotted my prize. A yellow and green bottle labeled "NAYER" aspirin tablets. I grabbed the bottle with my magic and closed the door back. I poured a couple of pills on the counter next to the sink and saw something out the edge of my vision, making me look up. I didn't really notice anything strange. My deer antler and goat horn didn't seem out of place, they looked like they always did. As did my snaggle tooth and tuft of a beard..... Wait a minute. Those looked kinda familiar, like I should know them. I leaned into my reflection to get a better look, and it leaned out toward me.
"boo."
I knocked the aspirin over and did a decent impression of Fred Sanford having "The Big One." Discord was roaring with laughter. I sat there catching my breath while he got control of himself.
"You should've seen the look on your face. Priceless. Ha! Anyway, I've got a present for you, human." he said with a smile. Like I'd trust him.
"Like I'd ever trust you, demon." I spat. He seemed to flinch at this.
"No, really. A gift. No strings attached." He said. He sounded hurt.
"What?" I asked. I had a fire spell warming up. Sorry Twi, but the bathroom might buy it.
"Your tooth. I was just going to replace it, seeing as the towns dentist is away on vacation. See? I'm not such a bad guy." He said as he crawled out of the mirror. How in the blue hell did he know about that? Was he stalking me? But, on the other hoof, I could use that tooth...
"Fine. Go ahead." I told him. No reason to look a gift whatever-he-is in the mouth.
"Really? Open up and say 'AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH!"
I opened up. "AAAA-AAAAARRRRRRRGH!" I hollered as he jammed his talon in my mouth. I felt a sharp pain and tugging on my gums. Then just as suddenly, he pulled his talon out and the pain stopped. He grinned down at me.
"There now. Isn't that better? I'd say that's some of my best work." He picked me up and held me to the mirror. "See?" I blinked. It didn't hurt anymore, but something seemed off.
"Did ya have to make it look like yours?" I asked. Not that I didn't appreciate the effort. "Discord?" I looked around. I was alone. Everything looked normal. There wasn't any evidence that he had even been in the room. Nothing except that new tooth poking out of my lips. It's too early for this, back to bed.
I woke up later that morning to the feeling of being poked. Repeatedly. With a hoof. Then my tormentor added her voice. "Hey Anthony." Poke. "Anthony." Poke. "Anthony." Poke Poke. "Hey Anthony." Poke Pokety-poke poke.
"grrr... WHAT?" I growled, rolling to face them.
"'Sup?" Lyra Heartstrings greeted me with a grin. I'm normally a fairly pleasant person to be around, even the early morning. "Normally" meaning not being harassed by Discord in the middle of the night. I levitated my pillow up and took a few swings. Then I locked eyes with Lyra. The mint-green unicorn gulped and started backing up towards the door. I uttered a single sentence.
The chase lead all through the town. Being a pony made me faster than I normally was and I kept running into things. That poor colt in the outhouse will be scarred for life. We started around the fountain. That went on for five solid minutes until I looked up and saw her waving at me from a bench. I followed her through the park and she tried to dive into the pond to get away, but I used and ice spell and froze it. She hit it and slid across on her face. I teleported over to where I thought she was headed, but the "Lyra" just dissolved into nothing. An illusion. I searched the area and found nothing. Snorting in assumed triumph I portaled back the library. The main room was completely pitch-black dark. That wasn't right. Then, in the darkness, a pony farted. An intruder!
"Who's ther-"MERRYCHRISTMAS!
After my heart stopped trying to beat its way out of my chest, and I picked my jaw up off the floor, I was assaulted by a pink madness. "Hi-Ya Anthony! Were you surprised? Wereya wereya wereya?"
"I'll say. Pinkie, I didn't know y'all had Christmas here too. This is the last thing I expected." I truthfully told the pink mare. She giggled and bounced away and came back with a cup of cider. I took it with my magic and enjoyed it while I gazed at the veritable splattered rainbow of ponies milling around. A white coated unicorn sporting a blue mane with an electric blue streak with a musical note cutie mark trotted up to an area that looked like it was set up for a DJ and pushed s small button. The speakers came to life, filling the whole building with familliar holiday type music.
"Actually, we don't." said the voice of Twilight Sparkle. I turned and found her sitting where Pinkie had been until a second ago. "We don't have that holiday here in Equestria."
"Then how is this here?" I asked the librarian. She grinned sheepishly.
"Well, remember when I tried the E-CATS?" She asked. I nodded, and loudly slurped my cider. What? It's damn good cider!
"It seems that the spell went both ways. It looks like I picked up some of your memories as well." She said. "And based off those memories, I saw how much it meant to you and the fact that it was getting close to that date when you were brought here. I talked with Pinkie and we decided to throw you a combination Christmas/Welcome to Ponyville party. That's not a problem is it?" She asked. She must've noticed the expression on my face, because she sounded concerned. It's true, Christmas is my favorite holiday, but... As argumentative and grouchy as my family was, they were family. Then, there were my friends. I didn't have many, but I thought of them as family as well.
"Anthony? Are you okay?" She asked sitting down in front of me. I turned away and sniffed.
"Yeah, Twi. I'm fine. Just brought up some memories is all." I said, my voice cracking a little.
"Your family?"
".....Yeah."
"You know you're going to see them again soon, right?" She asked, again walking in front of me. "Aren't we your friends?"
"You're right. *sniff* Just look at silly old me here, sniveling, crying over family, ruining a perfectly good party with my new friends on my favorite day of the year." Twilight offered me a tissue and I wiped at my eyes and blew my nose. "Let's go have some fun, huh?" I said, and looked around. "Speaking of friends, where's Derpy? I'd have thought she'd-." I was interrupted by a loud slam when the front door flew open and the pegasus in question nearly knocked me over.
"I'm sorry I'm late, I rushed through the mail route so I could come." She saw my reddened eyes. "Did I miss anything?" She asked. I had to smile. Something about the mare behind those golden eyes.... I brushed the thoughts aside.
"No, Ms. Hooves, you're just in time." I walked over to the DJ table and picked up a microphone, and blasted the speakers with some magic and prayed silently for a miracle. The DJ yanked me aside and demanded to know what I was doing with her equipment.
"The party was for me right?"
"Yes."
"You know I'm not from around here, right?"
"*sigh* Yes."
"Then allow me to sing you the Christmas song of my people."
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas / Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad.
I broke my bat on Johnny's head / Roscoe snitched on me
I hid a frog in Flutter's bed / Angel snitched on me
I spilled some ink on Twilight's rug / I made Tommy eat a bug /
I bought some gum with a penny slug / and somepony snitched on me
Oh I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas / Mommy and Daddy are mad /
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas / cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad
I won't be seein' Santa Clause / Somepony snitched on me
He won't come visit me because somepony snitched on me
Next year I'll be goin' straight / Next year I'll be good just wait
I'd start now, but it's too late / Somepony snitched on me
Oh I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas / Mommy and Daddy are mad /
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas / cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad
So you better be good whatever you do / Cause if your bad I'm warning you /
You'll get nuttin for Christmas, NUTS!
Oh I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas / Mommy and Daddy are mad /
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas / cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad
Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad
Silence. I looked out over the party goers. All eyes were on me. Some ponies at the back of the room started shouting.
"What the hell was that?" "Where'd he learn to sing?" "I don't know!" "Muffins!" (Et tu Derpy?)
(Oh, crap!) Just so long as they don't start throwing stuff.
"Hey, lets start throwing stuff!"
......Shit.
I flinched and waited for the bombardment of bottles and rotten fruit. Instead, I heard the tapping and clinking of coins. I peeked out and saw a small pile scattered around my hooves. They liked it? I thought about doing another song, and realized that the others I knew needed at least two people. Sighing, I slipped off stage and scraped up a few coins with my magic and stuck them in my pocket. I got about halfway back to Twilight and Derpy when it hit me. What pockets? I wasn't wearing pants, so, where did they go? I could bring them back easily, but I had no idea where they went. Trying to get rid of this thought, I sat down with my friends to enjoy the rest of the party.
The party lasted the rest of the day and into the night. My whole experience culminated in a dance off between Twilight and myself. She won, hooves down. Last time I danced someone called the EMT's because the thought I was having a seizure. I was worn out. Saying goodnight to everyone, I crawled back to my "bed" in the storage room. I shut the door with a light "click". I curled up on my blankets and tried to sleep, but I kept tossing and turning. It felt like something was jabbing me in the back. I stood up and made a small light with my magic and saw the culprit. A small wrapped bundle tied to a note. I levitated the note up to where I could read it.
~Anthony~
I know you were disappointed the other night, and I'm sorry Bon-Bon and I couldn't be there at the party. I hope this makes up for it.
~Lyra Heartstrings~
Now that I was good and curious, I opened the bundle. My phone fell to the pillow. It looked like it had been completely repaired, not a scratch on it. I kept turning it over examining it. It looked like it just came from the factory. The battery was a little odd though. I saw some rune like markings on it, the only one that vaguely looked familiar was an infinity symbol. I guess that meant infinite power? I wanted someway to keep the memories of tonight with me. I eased back out and into the front room, where the party was still going. Derpy and Twilight were standing next to the cider keg talking to that white unicorn with the diamonds for her cutie mark. Spike had wandered up and from the way he was staring at her, I figured this must be Rarity. He said something to Rarity and they all burst out laughing, while he just blushed. Heh. *click* I ducked back into my room and put the phone away. As I lay back and settled in for the night, one final thought floated through my mind.
Celestia tossed and turned. Her bed felt funny. It wasn't as soft and cloud-like as it usually was. *sniff* And why does it smell of pine trees? She cracked open one violet eye and winced. It took a second for her to adjust to the brightness, but what she saw made her gasp. She wasn't in her chambers at all. Where am I? The last thing she remembered was sittting on her throne at the castle when her sister brought Anthony in. Just after they walked in...
"DISCORD!" she growled. Looking around she found herself in a heavily wooded area, surrounded by pines. She snorted. Well, that explains he smell.Judging by the duller colors and the rather large clouds, I don't think I'm in Equestria anymore.Might as well have a look around. She grinned and gave her wings a couple of flaps, taking her a few feet off the ground.
"Look out world, here comes MYSWEETASS! What in Equestria is that thing?" She yelped, landing on her royal, lily white plot. The "thing" didn't seem to notice her as it went on it's way. As she looked at it, it didn't seem to even be alive. It was a silvery color with a red stripe on the side. Under each wing was a large round...... something that was making a dull roaring noise. She suddenly remembered seeing something similar on a few experimental dirigibles at an airshow in Los Pegasus once.
"So, a vehicle of some kind. Maybe they'll be kind enough to tell me where I am." She said out loud. CLICK-CLACK
Her ears twitched and swiveled as she turned to face the sound behind her. A figure figure stood before her pointing a long black tubular shaped thing at her with a sort of flattened end resting on the creature's shoulder. Hmm. Bipedal, arms ending in hands without claws, fully clothed with only a small patch of fur on the top of it's head. I know it's a long shot, but, I may as well ask.
"Hello. My name is Celestia, princess of Equestria. *ahem* You wouldn't happen to be a friend of Anthony's would you?" She asked with a smile.
He had just gotten his new "toy" home. A brand new shotgun, a Remington 870 express model. Taking it out of the box was almost like a holy ceremony. Claudius loved his guns. It was also a little poignant. The last time he'd bought a gun it was with his best friend, Anthony. That was going on close to ten, no twelve years ago now, about a week before he disappeared. After three years, his family had finally given up ever finding him. The next year they held a memorial service, and since there was no body, they took a few of his favorite things and put them in a casket and buried them on the family plot at the local church. The service itself was fairly small, only a few close friends and some of the family. Claudius remembered how he kept looking over his shoulder, expecting the old jack-ass to walk in at any moment. He laughed as he thought of how his friend had joked about coming back to haunt him if anything happened. He finished putting the gun together and sighed. Target practice had been one of Anthony's favorite things to do. He picked up a box of shells and grabbed his gun and headed out to the spot in the woods where they used to shoot.
"Anthony, the first shot's for you, hoss." He said as he shut the back door.
After about five minutes of walking and tripping over and cursing at the occasional root, he neared his destination. Something was odd. There were no birds chirping, no insects buzzing, no nothing. He rounded a particularly wide oak and almost filled his shorts. A white horse stood before him. No, wait. It had wings! That made it a pags, no a peega, no a pegasus! Yeah! A Pegasus! But those didn't exist. It, or rather she, now that he had a good look at it had a horn too. Not to mention a crown on her head and some weird golden shoe things. Screw it, cryptology was more Anthony's schtick any way. He loaded and cocked his gun in case she attacked him. She turned to face him and that's when the manure hit the rotating air circulating device. She spoke. She introduced herself as Princess Celestia and asked if he knew Anthony? The sheer shock made him drop his gun, causing it to go off. Sadly, the persimmon tree it hit will never be the same. He spun on his heel and got ready to haul ass. Then it hit him. No, not Celestia, the fact that she mentioned his friend. He turned back to her.
"You know Anthony? How? He disappeared twelve years ago. How do you know him?" Claudius asked, confused.
Now it was the princess's turned to be shocked. The human knew him, but the rest of what he said made no sense. "T-Twelve years!? Anthony was brought to my kingdom by a being of Chaos known as Discord, and he is in fact alive and well but Twelve years? I met him less than a week ago." She said to the still shocked human. She had no idea there was that much of a time difference between the two worlds. The implications were staggering. As much as she was nearly floored by this revelation, she suddenly remembered her sister. She could be anywhere. The princess thought for a minute. "You haven't by chance seen any others like me around have you, Mister uh.."
He shook his head. "No. You're the first, and my name is Claudius, though most people call me Andy." He told her extending his hand. She looked at it for a moment before shaking it. She frowned as she got lost in thought. A wave of exhaust swept over her. She shook her head to clear her head.
"If I know my student, Twilight Sparkle, she has your friend helping her to try and rectify the situation. Also, I hate to impose, but, is your home nearby? I'm feeling a little drained, I need to rest." She asked the human.
He smiled. "Sure, it's back this way, follow me. Oh, and watch out for the roots, they're a pain in the ass." he told her as they walked back the way he came.
The top drawer in the night stand next to the princess of the night's bed buzzed, rattled and shook. The whole thing seemed to almost jump in place. That was all the maid heard when she came in to dust. If she had listened closer, she might have been able to make out some words in all that noise.
"DISCORD! WHEN WE GET OUT OF HERE, WE SHALL MAKE THOU LOOK UPON THINE STONE PRISON WITH FONDNESS! THOU WILL PRAY FOR OUR MERCY!" The lilliputian Luna bellowed at near her normal volume. The maid sighed.
"I really do wish that she would turn her toys off when she's done with them, leaving them on like that just runs the batteries down." She walked over and tried to open the drawer but found it stuck. "Ugh, and she always gets so upset when she can't use those squiggle pens of hers to write in her diary. Her royal highness will just have to learn the hard way." She said to herself. She quickly finished her job and shut the thick door behind her. After a few minutes something crept out from under the bed. After he was sure nopony else was around , Discord stood up to and stretched, holding an old tome in his paw. He crawled up on the Lunar princess's bed, tapping on the nightstand a couple of times.
"Oh, Luna. You were always my favorite to pick on." he said and chuckled to himself as he settled down and opened the old book. "Luna's diary, Chapter one..." he read out loud. "DIIIIIIIIISSCOOOOOOOOORD!"
When I awoke the next day, it was well past noon. My phone said three so I figured it was a good time to get up. I tried to grin, but was interrupted by a mammoth yawn. Sleeping this late was a new record for me, as back home, I was usually up by eight at the latest. A gurgling in my gut quickly told me to hit the head and quickly. While I was taking care of business, I heard a gentle knocking on the front door which struck me as odd. This is a public library after all. I finished and went to see who this was. On my way, I called out to Spike and Twilight.
"Hey you guys! Where is everyone?" The mess from the party had been cleaned up and there wasn't a soul to be found. Still grumbling to myself I took a deep breath and opened the door.
"Hi! I'm sorry, but neither Twilight or Spike seem to be here at the moment, but I'll do what I can for you. My name's Anthony." I said as cheerfully as I could. A white unicorn wearing a saddle bag stared at me, her royal blue mane bouncing in the wind. "Um, You're Rarity. Right Miss?"
She smiled. "Yes, I'm the owner of Carousel Boutique, where everything is chic, unique and magnifique. As it happens, I'm not looking for Twilight, but, you." She explained.
"Where are my manners, please come in Miss Rarity. You were looking for me?" I asked, standing back to let her enter. She trotted in and stood in the middle of the room, pulling up a nearby stool.
"Could you stand on this please?" She asked, taking a measuring tape and a sheet of paper out of her bag, along with a pencil.
"Um, what?" I asked profoundly. It was much too early for this.
"I'm sorry darling, I thought Twilight would have left a note or something. I'm here to take your measurements for a outfit I'm making for you to use on your journey. It won't take long, just hop on up here, and we'll get right to it." She said, positively beaming. As small as the stool was, I wasn't sure how I could with four legs. I couldn't stand up for long on just two hooves.
"Uh, how?" I asked.
"Oh, right." She said, realizing the predicament. "Don't worry, Twilight showed me a spell to turn you human for a few minutes." She told me in a reassuring tone. Before I could say anything, her horn glowed and she hit me with a blast of magic. I felt the same sensation as before. I now looked down at the fashionista and felt rather naked. The mare looked me up and down as I now stood on the stool. She levitated the measuring tape and went about her work never batting and eye. Which only made sense, I mean ponies didn't normally wear clothes themselves. They were probably used to seeing this kind of thing. I held back a laugh, thinking about how this would work back home. I was brought out of my wonderings by a hoof to the knee. I looked down at the seamstress.
"I said I'm done. You can get down now." She said while she put away her things. I stepped down and felt the spell wearing off as soon as my foot hit the ground.
"What sort of outfit is it?" I asked the mare while I held the door for her. She turned and winked.
"A surprise." She answered and pulled the door shut.
I stared at the door for a second before my stomach rumbled that it finally woke up. I strode into the kitchen with only one thing on my mind; stew. I rummaged around to find the right sized pot. I got the pot and water going, I cut up some carrots and other vegetables and threw in a few good spices. Soon it was simmering. While I waited I found a book called Possible Temporal Discrepancies in Dimensional Jumping and decided to expand my understanding of magic. That and the cover looked cool. Over the next couple of hours, I read over a few chapters and found some kind of formula in the back that would have told me how to figure out exactly what the difference was from my world to here, if somepony hadn't started knocking on the door again.
"It figures," I sighed. "Not that I was good at math anyway." I went to open the door for the new comer but Twilight walked right in followed by Spike, who went straight to the kitchen, and a naked woman. "Heya Spike, Twilight. I got a stew going in the kitchen. Who's your knock-out of a friend?"
Twilight giggled as she spoke. "Take a closer look." It was my turn to laugh.
"Ms. Sparkle, It is taking every fiber of my being not to stare." I told her through clenched teeth. The woman plopped down on the couch and looked at me slightly crooked eyes. Golden, crooked eyes.
"You could just ask me, you know. I'm right here." She said.
"DERPY?!" I asked, completely dumbfounded. I mean seriously, my jaw is probably bruised from hitting the floor so hard.
"The one and only!" She shouted. "Oh, is your nose bleeding Anthony? Are you all right?" She asked, suddenly jumping up. Good god. Sure enough, there was a few droplets of blood on the floor. "Let me get that for you, here's a tissue. Whoa-OOF!" How she managed to trip and fall in the space of six feet, I'll never know. How she managed to land on me is even more of a mystery. Twilight was busy laughing her flank off. Not that I was complaining. I opened my eyes and saw the purple mare rolling on the floor. You've got to sleep sometime Twilight, you've got to sleep sometime. As Derpy got up, she pushed down on something. Something sensitive. I yelped and did an impressive flip onto my hooves. I staggered into the kitchen and tripped on a rug and landed in the pile of pots and pans from earlier. Twilight and Derpy came in to see Spike pulling me out of my stainless steel tomb and helping me to my hooves.
"Oh my gosh, Anthony, are you okay?" He asked.
"SOUPS ON, EVERYPONY!" Was all I managed to say before I fell back over into it.
We eventually sat down to eat and not five minutes later somepony was knocking at the door again.
"If it ain't telemarketers, it's somethin'. Never fails." I grumbled and got up to answer it and immediately wondered why. It wasn't my home. The knocks came faster.
"Twilight? Spike? Anthony?" The voice called. It sounded like Rarity. I opened the door and she trotted in carrying a large bundle.
"Hey, Rarity. What's in the bag?" Derpy asked, as she Twilight, and an excited Spike came in to the room.
"Why, it's the outfit I made for our friend here. If Twilight would be so kind, as to cast the longer lasting spell, I'd like to see how it looks on you dear." She said. Derpy opened the bundle and pulled out the different pieces. A pair of tan denim pants, a crimson red button up shirt, a pair of black faux leather gloves, and the whole bag turned out to be a canvas duster that was just a shade or two lighter than my hair. Needless to say, I was impressed. This much work and this high of a quality was just mind blowing that it was done in so short a time. I ran into the storage room and wriggled to my shorts before trotting back out for Twi to cast the spell.
"Alright, fire away!" I shouted and felt myself change as she cast the spell. I slipped everything on and strutted around the room. Rarity chuckled.
"I take it that means you like it?" She asked. Did I like it?
I walked over and picked her up in a bear hug. "Rarity, you have no idea how much I wanted one of these coats. Thank-you! Everything fits great!" I said holding the mare.
"You're quite welcome dear, but could you put me down please?" She asked. I set her down. I also noted that my shirt was full of white hairs. Just like a friggin' cat. After readjusting her mane, she continued. "That's not all, I also put a special enchantment on it." I stopped in mid strut.
"THERE'S MORE?"
"Oh, uh quite a bit more actually." she said rubbing the back of her neck. "The enchantment I put on it is on the pockets specifically. I gave them infinite capacity, more or less. You can put whatever you- Why are you staring at me like that?" She asked when she saw my wicked grin. Her ears flattened against her head and she backed slowly away.
"You gave me pocket dimensions, in my pockets?" I asked her, barely containing myself. The concerned unicorn nodded her head.
"Yes, I suppose I did." She answered, not quite sure what I was getting at. At this point, honestly, neither was I, but it sounded funny, so I went with it. She cleared her throat. "Well, anyway, it seems to suit rather nicely, but that's still not all there is to see. The others made small contributions. Pinkie made two I think. They made contributions based on their talents. Oh, and one more thing. It will magically adjust to conform to your unicorn form when you change." She let out a small yawn. "I really must be going now. Ooooh, I almost forgot. Check your left pocket, there is a pair of dresses for Twilight and Derpy. Good night Twilight, Anthony, Derpy. Good night Spikey-wikey." She said and headed home.
"I think she's got the right idea folks. If we're leaving tomorrow, we should rest up too." I said as I put the dishes in the sink. I cleaned up the mess in the kitchen and started to head back to my closet when I noticed three bags neatly situated by the door. When I opened them I found that Twilight had taken it upon herself to pack the bags and get them ready for tomorrow. That was fine with me, it meant more time for sleep. Speaking of which, Derpy had decided to claim the couch for the night again. Maneuvering quietly, I made my way to my bed pile and striped down to my shorts. I wanted to see what exactly was in my pockets, but the "contributions" could wait til later. I stretched out and wished there was a window to look out of.
That night I dreamed of home, and about my family and friends. Everyone was gathered at the church for some reason. All their expressions were grim and their clothes dark. I tried to ask someone near the back what was going but no one seemed to notice me. Finally, a pale-skinned man in a black pinstripe suit wearing a red tie told me it was a memorial service. When I asked who it was for, he took me to a table near the front that was full of pictures and a couple of cheap flower arrangements. The picture of the deceased was hidden behind a clump of carnations. I moved them and was greeted by my own face. I screamed and the man laughed a horribly evil laugh. I woke up screaming to a near bone crushing pressure of hooves and a thankfully friendly voice.
"Calm down! Calm it down! It was just a dream!" Derpy said, trying to get me under control. After catching my breath and realizing that I was still in the library, I latched on to the mare like a vise grip. "What were you reaming about that was so terrible?" she asked
"Someone I knew died."
"Somepony close?"
"....yeah."
"Who?"
"Me."
I finally noticed that I had reverted back into my unicorn form. Derpy laid me back down and the last thing I remember is a wing draped across me. The clippity-clop of hooves and a giggle from the doorway woke me up early the next morning. The dumb grin on Twilight Sparkle's face broke as she spoke.
"Looks like you two are getting along just fine." I wondered what she meant and looked down. Not only was Derpy's wing stretched over me still but the other stood straight out and she had somehow flipped over onto her back and had a leg splayed in every direction. I got up and reached over to wake her up. My blue hoof was only an inch from her face when her eyes popped open and focused on me in a split second.
"NO! MY MUFFINS!" she bellowed and slapped me with both wings. That really hurts, by the way. She blinked and her eyes unfocused and she remembered where she was. "Good morning!" she said cheerfully. "Are we leaving now?"
"Yeah, I think we'd better. Before anything else happens to Anthony." She said with a laugh. Spike walked in with the three bags while I put my clothes on. I concentrated for a minute before I fired off the portal spell at the opposite wall. In a second we were on our way. Spike looked around to make sure everypony was gone. He raced to the kitchen with a mad grin on his face.
"Hello ice-cream buffet." he said to the freezer as he opened the door.
We exited the other end of the portal and stepped out into an old playground Judging by the the light it was in the early morning hours. After shaking off a wave of dizziness, I quickly realized where we were. Derpy took a short flight around the small park inspecting everything and Twilight started taking notes in a journal she pulled out of her saddle bag.
"This park looks like a blast, I call dibs on the swings!" Derpy shouted, trying unsuccessfully to sit on the seat because her wings got tangled in the chains.
"Derpy, focus." Twilight said, putting her journal away. "First, we need to figure out exactly where we are, Anthony do you know?" Both mares looked at me expectantly. "Uhh, Anthony?" I was still in awe. I was home. I had been gone barely a week but it seemed like forever. The only thing that seemed out of place was a new building. I wondered why I'd never noticed it before. A couple of prods from a certain mare's horn got my attention.
"Hm? What's up Twi?"
"Where. Are. We?"
"Oh. As odd as it sounds, this is my hometown. See that old building?" I asked with a hoof gesture to a building across the street. "That's my old school."
"You live here? Are we far from your home?" Derpy asked.
"Yeah, actually we kind of are. You see, I live on the other side of town. I've got a friend not to far from here though. We should be able to get a ride from him. Let's go!" I yelled and broke into a gallop. I laughed, man was Andy going to be surprised. Then the purple voice of reason spoke up.
"ANTHONY!"
"Yes?"
"You do realize that you're still a unicorn, right?" she asked. Oh yeah, that. I screeched to a halt and trotted in place, waiting on her to cast the spell.
"Hurry, hurry, hurry!" She fired off the spell and I felt my skin tingle and my joints pop. "Man, it feels good to be back to normal. You've got to show me that spell some time Twi. Now it's your turn." She and Depry just glared at me. "Oh, right. You probably want your dresses, huh? Gimmie a second." I said and started digging in my left pocket. "Lets see, clothes, clothes. Oh, here! One bag labeled T.S. and one D.H. Here you go! There's a public bathroom over there you can use to change." I moved over to a picnic table and sat and waited on the girls. I decided to check my phone. I pulled it out and fumbled with it for a second and got it turned on. I got the time but no date or service. I sighed and put it away as the girls walked back up. Twilight's dress was a simple yellow sundress with matching sandals. Derpy's on the other hand, wasn't a dress at all. It was just simple blue jeans and a grey t-shirt and flip-flops. The bags had converted easily enough to backpacks. I laughed. "Took you two long enough. Let's get going."
"Despite the obvious differences, this town kind of reminds me of Ponyville." Twilight noted as we walked through the middle of the small town. My hometown is the typical kind, you know, where everyone knows everyone else. There was a couple of gas stations, a library, a restaurant, a church and that was pretty much it. It was populated mostly by farmers and retired military, so it was usually pretty quiet. I noticed that the few people who were up were giving us odd stares.
"Why are they looking at us like that?" Derpy asked.
"No idea, Derps. Oh look, there's the preacher! Heya there preach!" I yelled at the man walking into the church across the street. The balding man turned and waved and then he turned as pale as the building he worked at. He dropped the books he was carrying and ran inside.
"What got into him?" I wondered out loud
"Maybe he had to you know, go". Derpy suggested, scratching her head. I crossed the street, picked his books up and put them on the hood of his car. As we continued on I pointed out the old cemetery, and my job. Twilight's stomach at that moment cut loose with a growl like a monster on steroids. She blushed. I spoke up.
"Well it's no good traveling on an empty stomach. Let's get going to Andy's and grab some food, and most importantly coffee!"
The pastor made it to his office sweating, trembling, and pale. He staggered past the secretary and flopped into his old leather desk chair. A few minutes later the secretary knocked on his door and came in with a bottle of water.
"I've never seen you so upset, what's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost." She said as he took he water from her.
"I think I did see one just now." he mumbled, laying his head on the oaken desk. The secretary shook her head.
"When's the last time you took a vacation?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Back in Canterlot ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Discord was sill on the royal alicorn's bed reading aloud from her diary.
"And then I put baby oil on the toilet seat in Celestia's private bathroom. Her plot slid off and hit the floor so hard that the sun nearly fell from he heavens. Nopony was safe from her wrath that year." The draconequis let out a howl of laughter and fought to get himself under control.
"Oh my, that was rich! We really need to swap secrets some time Lulu." He said before shuddering and going still. "I feel a great disturbance in the chaos. I fear our friends are moving faster than I thought. Maybe I should send a surprise or two their way. Going to Earth, see you later." He said before disappearing in a puff of smoke. The nightstand rumbled softly.
We were getting close. Andy's house wasn't far now! I was getting tired and all three of us were hungry. I was hoping he'd be in a mood to give us a ride to my place, seeing as how the sun was just peeking over the horizon. I yawned and nearly tripped over a rock. I stumbled up between Twilight and Derpy grumbling like an old man. I really wanted that cup of coffee.
"Oh be quiet. You know it's not that bad, it could be worse." Derpy said, trying to make conversation. Heh, she took that way too seriously. But, then again, she'd probably never gone through caffeine withdrawals before either. It was a weekly event for me.
"Oh, but Ms. Hooves, I have don't have any sugar or caffeine in my system at the moment. How in the ninth circle of hell can it get any worse?" I asked her in utter seriousness. Twilight just stopped and stared at me and Derpy looked like she was about to cry. BOOM! I looked to the north, where the low sound came from.
"That was completely uncalled for! Hey! Are you even listening-BOOM!-to me?" Twilight scolded. It was getting closer, but there was a hill in the way.
"Shush!" BOOM! Yep, getting closer.
"Wha? Don't you 'shush' me!-BOOM!-You apologize to her right now!-BOOM!- What is that noise?" She demanded, finally hearing it and turning her fury away from me. Personally, I felt sorry for what ever it was. That's when I heard the noise a actually series of noises and as rapidly as they were coming, it almost sounded like.....
"Footsteps!" Derpy shouted. Awwwww man...... Me and my big snaggle toothed mouth.
I saw something coming over the top of the hill, and it saw us and it let us know.
"Everypony Run! Dragon!" Twilight screamed and the beast reached the top of the hill. It stood there for a second, it's massive head twisting left and right searching it's surroundings before spotting us again. It bellowed again and gave chase, and smashed a small wooden fence in its path.
"Actually I think that's a tyranosaurus." I commented to nobody in particular.
"Still, we should run like it is a dragon!" Derpy said grabbing my arm and pushing me along.
"Quickly, into the woods! It's too big to follow!" I yelled over the noise. We ducked in and got behind an abandoned shed. We watched as it paced back and forth, apparently looking for a way in before stalking off, out of sight.
"Sa-sa-safe at la-last." I gasped, trying to catch my breath. Oh, how wrong I was.
"What was that!? You called it a tyrano-whatsit?" Twilight yelled, trying to sketch the creature in her journal. When I didn't say anything she looked up to see me glaring at her. "Ha, yeah. Maybe now's not the time for that." She said with a nervous laugh and put her book away.
"Well, I thought she was a tyrannosaur, but, it's actually too big. Way too big. It's probably a giganotosarus. Also, if the same holds true for it, like it does for the other one, given its size, it's probably female. What am I saying? It went extinct millions of years ago! This just reeks of Discord!" I sat down to think. "Now we just have to figure out what to do with it."
"What do you mean 'do with it'? Shouldn't we just sneak away while it's gone?" Derpy asked looking around. *sigh* I wish.
"That would be the smart thing to do, but, we can't." I told her, pinching the bridge of my nose.
"Why not?" They both asked in unison
"You eat when you hungry, right? Well, it's hungry. It's hunting us. When she figures out she can't get us....." I trailed off. It took Twilight a second to put it together.
"It'll go after somepony else." She finally said.
"So now we need a plan to bring it down." I said. The dino bellowed again, as if daring us to try. And try we would.
Discord sat back on his bean-bag chair with a bag of popcorn, watching the whole scene unfold from a nearby cloud. Things were going pretty well for him at the moment.
"This is getting (crunch) interesting. I wonder how long they can survive. (munch) They have no idea how close they are to the princess. Maybe I'll tell them right before the end, just to see the look on their faces. (crunchity-bloody-munch) Hahahahaha-huauugh ack!" He choked. He snapped his talon and started chugging the soda that appeared. His eyes bulged and spat it out. Leering at the can, he threw it away and cursed at it. "Bleah! Diet Pepsi? What was I thinking?"
"So, is it gone?" Derpy asked from her position behind the shed. It was a decent question. "Grumpy" as she had taken to calling it, had been pretty quiet for about the past half hour. I peeked out from behind the wall and saw her lying in front of where we came in watching.
"Nope, still there. she hasn't lost interest yet. Well it seems like the perfect time to see what those contributions the others made were." I answered and started rummaging in my pockets. Twilight scooted over and started taking inventory as I pulled out everything that had been given to us. First up, there was a generous length of sturdy rope with a tag showing three apples on it. Twilight said it was from Applejack. Next was a first-aid kit with three butterflies. I recalled seeing that on the little yellow one named Fluttershy. That would really come in handy, considering what was waiting for us. Then I found a small bag with about five little bottles in it. When we held them up to the light the shown with a rainbow of colors. Derpy laughed.
"Three guesses who sent that." she said. A small piece of paper in the bag labeled them as something called "Bottled Rainboom". Rainboom? What in the world? Twilight turned a bottle in her hand.
"I've heard of this. It acts similar to nitro-glycerin. I'm surprised she put in here unprotected like that. *sigh* I wonder about her sometimes." she groaned. I dove back into the pocket. I sure didn't expect the next couple of items.
"Let's see, HOLY CRAP! A Cannon!" I think I scared Twilight, Derpy and Grumpy. "Oh, and a box of cupcakes."
"What!?" Derpy and Twilight shouted in near unison. Twilight came out of shock first. "Pinkie sent her party cannon?" A party what now?
"What's a party cannon?" I asked her. If it was anything like my grandpa's old crow gun...
"It's a compressed air cannon. She uses it to launch confetti, balloons, cakes, all sorts of things. She never leaves home without it. Never." Twilight looked nervous for a second. "She, uh, she's not in there too is she?" Hmmm... I had an idea. I stuck my hand in the opening. This really wasn't the time or place, but, I just couldn't help myself.
"AHHHHHH! SHE'S GOT ME! SHE'S GOT ME!" I yelled and shoved my arm in up to the shoulder. Twi and Derpy jumped. I pulled my arm almost all of the way out and stopped at the wrist and hid my hand in my sleeve and squeezed my eyes shut. "AAAAAHHHHH! She ate my hand! I-" I looked up and saw two angry glares aimed at me.
"You done yet?" Derpy asked.
".....Yeah, I'm done. You can't blame a guy for trying. Ah-hehhehheh." Derpy's eyes took on a wicked gleam.
"No, but I can do this!" She said and hit me in the face with a cupcake. That wall-eyed blonde wasn't getting away with this!
"ENOUGH!"
The two of us stopped in mid-throw and looked at the angry librarian. "Do we really have time to screw around?" She asked with a raised eyebrow. I smelled burning hair. "We need to come up with a plan already!"
"Yeah, I know. I came up with one a while ago, and if you and Ms. Hooves here hadn't been playing around, I could have started on it by now. I should really hire a babysitter for you two." I told her. The two of them just stood dumbstruck.
"You-you-you smartflank! That's not something to joke about!" Twilight stammered. Derpy dittoed the statement.
"That's funny and you know it, that's funny and you know it." I sang and danced around the two. Twilight grabbed me and held me against a tree. Girl's pretty strong.
"Anthony, do you even have a plan?" She growled. Strong, and scary.
"Actually, yeah. The rope gave me the idea." She let me go. "You two saw how tall it was right?" They nodded. "Well, as tall as it is and as heavy as it is, the weak point should be the legs. If we take those out, it should be easy enough to finish it off." I finished and started putting the stuff back in my pockets.
"Finish it off? You mean kill Grumpy?" Derpy asked in surprise. What did she think I meant?
"*sigh* As much as I hate to do it, yes. I mean to kill it. If we don't, Grumpy will just keep hunting and eating the people around here. I don't have much choice." I explained to her. Truth was I really didn't want to kill the creature, but my family and friends and the other people in this town. "So here's the details; Derpy, you're the fastest. You run out and get her attention then hide. I'll come out and lure her towards the woods and trip her with the rope. It'll be anchored to a tree, so it should hold. Twilight then comes out and ties Grumpy's ankles so it can't get up if her legs don't break. I'll come in and put her down." I looked at the two. "Any questions?" Derpy raised her hand. I made a big show of looking around. "Yes. You, the cute blonde in front." I said, pointing at her. She blushed and asked.
"What makes you so sure it's a girl again?"
"Any questions relevant to survival?" I clarified. She put her hand down. A warm, tingly sensation spread across my body. I looked at my friends and saw that Twilight's spell had worn off. I could've sworn she'd used the longer lasting one.
"This should make things interesting." I muttered to myself. I might have to change my plan a little. Who knows, this might even be easier.
"Um, girls, I.. Girls? Why are you looking at me like that? You look like you just saw Discord." I said in genuine confusion. They both sat there staring at me, wide eyed and slack jawed. Wait. Not at me, behind me. "Grumpy's right behind me isn't she?" I asked half-heartedly. I turned around and looked up. An open maw and dozens of teeth like steak knives grinned back. It seems our friend had found a way in. She lurched forward and picked me up in her jaws. "Twi, Derps, remember the plan?" The two nodded. "Good. Just two small extra steps. First, forget all that. Second, HAUL ASS!" I yelled right before Grumpy swallowed me whole.
The Spirit of Chaos did a picture perfect spit-take. He blinked at my sudden departure in disbelief.
"It ate him. Whole. One big gulp. WAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He laughed maniacally and wiped away a tear. A light-bulb went on over his head. He snapped his claw and popped into an office with a large desk. He turned on the lamp on the desk and pulled out the old contract that Anthony had signed. Putting on an old pair of spectales he started reading over it.
"Ah, now let me see. Hmm. Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Blah- blah-blah. Both parties bound.... Aha! If one party dies it is considered a forfeit. The remaining party wins by default. I knew it! That means I win! AWWWWWW YEEEAAAAHHHH!" He shouted and did a little victory dance. Then he ripped up the contract and started throwing it around like confetti. "I'm a happy bastard/ I'm real happy. I'm-.. Huh I should really work on that one." He mused to himself "Now to take my throne! First, I'll take over Equestria." He looked in surprise at the door it flew open to reveal the old preacher. The two stared at each other for a second before Discord vanished. The preacher shook his head.
I could feel the thudding of her footsteps and hear the muffled screams of the girls as she gave chase. You know, it's funny. In cartoons whenever somebody gets swallowed by a monster the stomach is usually this big, open round thing. Yeah, not so much in reality. There was barely enough room to move, let alone walk around. Oh, and the smell was horrible! It was somewhere between rotten flesh and used diapers. I had to think fast because I was running out of air. Air? Air! That's the ticket! Pinkie's cannon used compressed air. If I combined that with the bottled rainboom...
"One of us is going out with a bang!" I said to myself. It was a tight squeeze, but I managed to pull out the celebratory ordinance and loaded the bottles in to it. All of them. No sense in taking chances. Crap! My phone fell in the cannon! I felt Grumpy take a deep breath and bellow loudly. Gotta hurry!
Derpy and Twilight were petrified. Their friend had just become this thing's dinner and now it wanted dessert. Twilight ran and Derpy took to the air. The pegasus began circling Grumpy's head trying to confuse her while Twilight got away.
"Luna dammit! Why won't this thing follow me? This ought to get her attention!" She thought to herself. Racing right at its face, she turned one hundred and eighty degrees at the last second and slammed her hooves into its nose. Grumpy stopped in her tracks and blinked before blasting the pegasus with a sneeze that sent her tumbling away through the air. When she finally righted herself she met the eyes of an angry dino.
"Oh horse-apples."
Twilight, after getting her wits back, had modified Anthony's plan a little. While Derpy distracted Grumpy, she tied the rope between some trees. She tied it off and made sure it was secure, she waved frantically to get the blonde pegasus's attention. Derpy waved back and smiled. Twilight facehoofed.
"No, no, no! Ugh, lead it this way!" She yelled. Derpy seemed to get the idea and drew the beast toward her friend. It chased Derpy like a thing possessed and her feet caught the trap and down she went. Grumpy's knees hit first and she rolled to the side a little bit. The creature's head landed on a conveniently located boulder with a sickening splitting noise. A small pool of blood formed as its breathing eventually stopped.
"Is it dead?" Derpy asked and poked it with a stick. she got no response.
"Yes, but, it ate him. ATE HIM! What do we do now?" She asked nopony in particular. Neither one of them noticed the belly of the beast inflating like a balloon. She looked at Derpy. "Do you hear music?"
I was about to pull the cord on the cannon when she suddenly lurched forward and landed with a bone jarring impact. It was enough to activate the cannon and my phone for some reason. Heh, showtime! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!
The stomach burst like a paper bag, expelling a blast of confetti, music, gore and a bewildered unicorn leaving a rainbow trail in his wake as he flew over the tree tops. Derpy turned to Twilight.
The last thing I remembered was flying through the air after I made my less than dignified escape from Grumpy's belly. However, I found myself waking up in a bedroom. I did a quick check of myself and other than a large goose-egg of a bump on my head and a burn on my chest, I was relatively uninjured. As I surveyed the room, I noticed Derpy looking out of the window with her back to me. She was crying for some reason. I eased out of bed and walked over to her, the thick carpet muffling my hooves. The crying was starting to get to me.
"What's wrong?" I asked her, my own voice wavering. She sniffled an answer, but didn't turn around.
"My friend is....is dead!" And she started sobing all over again. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" I put a hoof on her back.
"I'm sorry to hear that, who was it? T-T-Twilight? Did the dinosaur get her?" I asked. Tears started falling down my cheeks. I hoped it wasn't Twilight. Even though she scared me she was still pretty nice. She turned around and leaned into me with her eyes squeezed shut.
"No, it wasn't Twilight. It was Anthony!" *sniff* "WAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAA!"
....
....
....
"That's so sad!" We both flopped down on our flanks in a sobbing mess.
"I know!" "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" The door flew open and Twilight, a creepy looking older guy and the Celestia formerly known as princess burst in.
"What in Equestria is going on in here?" the unicorn asked. From the looks on their faces they were just as upset as Derpy. The more I looked at the old guy, the more I thought I new him from somewhere, but I couldn't remember. Derpy pointed a hoof at me.
"He's dead!"
"I'm dead!"
"You're both dumb-asses." The old guy finally spoke up. He and Celestia turned and left the three of us alone. Twilight just stared in unbelieving confusion. She shut the door. She calmly walked over to the two of us. A rolled up magazine floated up next to her.
SLAP!
"Get it together Anthony! You're acting like an idiot. Though I guess I should explain how we ended up here with the princess." she said. I nodded and rubbed my head. She hit the lump. Derpy had calmed down and was blowing her nose on a tissue. Twilight waited for her to finish and cleared her throat. "When you were sent flying, Derpy took off after you in the air and I followed on the ground. We sort of lost track of you until we heard a loud crash. It took us a few minutes but, we finally found a shed with a large hole in one wall. It was unicorn shaped. We pulled you out, but we thought you really were dead. We heard somepony coming up behind us and beyond all hope, it was my teacher, the princess and well...." she trailed off.
"Well? Well what? That old guy? He kind of looks familiar. Do you know who it is?" I asked. It was really starting to bother me now.
"Well, you might want to sit down. It's pretty bad." She said.
"Um, Twilight, I am sitting. Please, tell me." I asked. Twilight looked at Derpy and sighed.
"Apparently, there's some kind of temporal distortion we pass through between here and Equestria. I don't understand how it works completely." she said.
"It's all a big bunch of wibbly-wobbely, timey-wimey....stuff. But, from the time you first arrived in Equestria until we came back, its been about fifteen years, give or take a month or two. Even the princess was shocked when she first figured it out. Your family assumed you were dead and they moved out of the area. There is some good news though." Derpy carefully explained. Fifteen years!? Temporal distortion? What the hell? That sounded like some random episode of Star Trek or something. I just sat there, my mouth hanging open and my right eye twitching.
"Anthony?" *twitch*
"Anthony? *twitch-twitch*
*sigh*"Let me get the magazine again." A purple glow picked up the magazine an brought it next to my head. *snort* Nope!
"I'm awake! I mean here! So what's the good news?" I asked. Twilight put the weaponized periodical back down. "Oh, and if it is not too much trouble, where did the burn on my chest come from?" I asked rubbing the burned hair and shiny skin over the burn.
"Well remember when we said we thought you were dead? It was because your heart stopped. We brought you back here and used an old stethoscope and we couldn't hear anything. It had been about ten minutes and the princess was a little reluctant, but, she zapped you a couple of times to restart you heart. You should probably thank her. And to answer your first question, that old guy is Claudius-er I mean Andy." Twilight said. It was shocking sure, but not that surprising that it was Andy. At least it was him. We were so close as friends and (some would say) appearance, that we were often mistaken for brothers.
"Hey! I've got some sweet tea ready if y'all want some." Andy hollered from the kitchen. Hot damn! I loved his tea! He always put a little "extra" in. I followed the others out of the room, falling in behind Derpy. On the way out, I picked up the stethoscope and put the prongs in Derpy's ears. She stopped and looked at me. I took a deep breath and got ready to blast her.
"A-hem." Twilight's glare made me think twice. I just put the little cup-piece-thing on my own chest. Derpy scrunched up her nose and cocked her head to the side.
"Your heart sounds funny, almost like it's beating twice for every normal beat. Is that normal for your kind?" she asked. Twilight dashed back and yanked the ear pieces to her ears.
"Let me listen." after a second or two, "She's right! Here, listen for yourself." she told me as she magicked it to me. I took it with my magic, and listened to my heartbeat.
"Ohhhh, that's not right. It sounds familiar, but I can't quite place it. What's up Andy? What's with that little wooden box and that look on you face?" I asked my friend as he walked back into the room and over to me with a serious expression.
"You told me that I would know when to give this back to you. I've kept it safe all these years, here take them." he said and opened the box. It was lined with red velvet and had three slots. The first was about as wide as my thumb and as long as a pencil. It was empty. The second held a plain looking key. The third and final slot held an antique pocket watch. The cover of the watch had a very interesting pattern that really looked familiar. I was about to pick up the watch when I saw something scratched into the underside of the box's lid.
"YANA? No, Y.A.N.A. Wait, isn't that from Dr. Who?" I asked, completely confused now. I remembered seeing it on the show. It meant...
"You are not alone." said a new voice that belonged to an Ood, suddenly appearing to my left. SHIT!
"AAAAAAAAAAAA(Anthony!)AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA(Anthony! Wake up!)AAAAAAAAAAH! Huh? Wha? Derpy? What happened? The last thing I remember is that thing swallowing me and then getting launched over those trees? Man, I had the weirdest dream." I sat up and looked around. My vision cleared and and I saw that I was out in the front yard of my friend, Claudius, or Andy as he preferred to be called. "Oh god, I hope it was a dream."
"It was. Don't worry, you're not a timelord or anything." She reassured me. Good. Wait, what? "After we found you, Twilight, the princess and Andy patched you up. You had a few places that were bleeding pretty good. As for why you're still outside, they didn't think it was a good idea to move you because they thought you might have a head injury." she explained. I looked behind me and saw some blood on the ground next to a gouged out rut. Dang! I must've hit pretty hard, that's kind of impressive. I got up and trudged into the house after Derpy. "By the way, we had quite the discussion while we waited for you to wake up. It's been about fifteen years since you've been gone. There was some kind of time warp or anomaly or something in-between here and Equestria. The princess suspects it was Discord's doing." I walked in the door and saw Twilight sitting on the couch next to the princess, chatting and sipping iced tea. In an old chair to the left of the couch sat Andy. An old Andy. An old Andy with a demented looking grin on his face.
"Welly welly welly welly well. Look who finally decided to grace us with his presence. Welcome back to the world of the living." he said. I gave him a glare.
"I'm taken to a different world. I'm turned in to a part-time pony. I'm gone for a decade and a half. I'm swallowed by a dinosaur, burst out of its gut and do an impression of a meteor. All that and that's the best you can come up with? Seriously? I'd kick you in the yarbels, if you had any yarbels." I growled. Celestia, Twilight and Derpy just stared in stunned silence while we tried to stare each other down. I cracked a smile first. The smiles soon broke out into full on belly laughs. Twilight face hoofed.
"We should've known."
After we calmed down, Celestia decided to speak up. "Well, now that that is out of the way how about we deal with finding my sister, defeating Discord, oh and I don't know, SAVING THE WORLD? While It's been nice living here with Mr. Claudius for the past three years, I would like to get home. Any plan on how we do it?" She asked with a forced calmness.
"Oh, you're one to talk. My bloody power bill was nearly double those three years. Once you figured out the t.v., I couldn't get you away from it. Damn those Twilight Zone marathons." The old fart grumbled. Twi slurped her tea at this.
"The me zone? What the hay?"
"Oh Twilight, it's my favorite show. It has nothing to do with you however. It'd be easier to show it to you than explain it, but we really don't have time right now." the unicorn's teacher told her. As funny as it was, she was right. We were short on time.
"Well, personally, I don't see why the portal spell wouldn't work like it did when we used it to get here. That however, raises a question. Princess Celestia, why didn't you just teleport back? You obviously have power comparable to Discord's. What gives?" I asked the royal alicorn. She eyed me for a moment and pointed a hoof at the silvery ring I hadn't noticed that was half-way down her horn.
"This. It is made of a metal that is very rare in Equestria. I've only encountered it twice myself. It cancels out magic in normal unicorns completely. In me however, it only scaled my power down. I have about the same level as a foal at the moment. I believe it is called aluminum. Discord intended to use the metal to strike me down with a viscous blow. Or at least contain me in this world. *chink* Andrew? What did you do?" Celestia asked in shock. Andy had reached over and cut through the ring with a pair of scissors.
"Aluminum? Hell, I thought it was some magical something or other. I'd have done that right off the bat and sent you home if I'd known it was as easy as that." He said as he plopped back into his recliner.
"Well, I see no reason to hang around. I can teleport us all back to the castle. We can start the search for my sister from there. After we deal with Discord. Are you ready?" she asked.
"I'm ready, princess."
"I'm ready as well."
"Me too, your highness."
"Just let me get Mr. Toothy and I'll be ready." Andy answered. The white alicorn looked at him curiously.
"You're coming too? She asked.
"Sure as hell am. I'ma get the bastard that started this whole thing. That, and I'd like to think we've become friends over this short time we've known each other. So, yeah. I'm coming too." He said and walked to a back room. He returned a second later with the meanest looking chainsaw I've ever seen. The blade was about three feet long and the middle was painted gold with "Mr. Toothy" written in drippy red letters. The other end had been modded to look like a human skull with the blade portion coming out of a screaming mouth. He tossed me a small bundle to me. It was my clothes. Considering what was coming up and the fact that I had used up the contributions of the others, I saw no reason to wear them.
"Thanks hoss, but I think I'll stick to this form for now." I told him. He snorted and mumbled something that sounded like 'nudist'. He gripped the handle of the saw and pulled the cord and revved it a couple of times.
Discord appeared in Equestria in the Everfree forrest. Silently, he stalked towards Ponyville making sure not to be seen, when he suddenly stopped and slapped himself. "Why am I sneaking like this? These ponies are powerless against me. Though, I suppose I should capture some of the remaining elements. Just to be on the safe side. Oooooh, I can make them my little pony servants. I still have to catch them first, but how?" He thought out loud to himself. Then Discord got an idea. An awful idea. A wonderfully discordant, awful idea. "Why just some? Why shouldn't I catch'em all? Oh, and little Luna as well. This is going to be fun. HAHAAAA-WAH-HAHAHAHA!" He laughed to himself as six orbs appeared at his side as he sped towards the town. "I sense my 'friends' are on their way. Looks like the human managed to survive my little pet. That's fine, I'll just have a surprise waiting on them."
"DERRRRPYYYYYY! Hurry it up!" I yelled. We heard the sound of a toilet flush and the grey pegasus walked out.
"Sorry. When you gotta go, you gotta go!" She said with a sheepish grin. Yeah, no kidding. Now we were ready to leave.
"Wait a minute!" Andy shouted. "You took so damn long now I gotta go!" I was starting to wonder if we would ever get to leave. Finally everyone was ready. Again. Celestia's horn glowed and she spread her wings. In a second we all disappeared in a golden flash. We reappeared a second later in what should have been the garden of the castle. I say should've been, because it looked like a stadium or an arena of some sort. And it was dark. Huge stadium lights flashed on and lit up the area, showing Discord on one end, waving. The seats were filled with ponies. I found myself suddenly floating in darkness. What. The. Hell? Where was everyone? Then I heard a booming female voice that must have been an announcer.
"WELCOME TO CANTERLOT STADIUM! LET'S GET READY FOR A PONYMON BATTLE OF THE AGES!" The crowd roared. "I'm Celadon Leaves and I'll be your announcer this evening." A screen at one end of the arena turned on and revealed a small green hued earth pony mare with a sky blue mane sporting a cutie mark with three over-lapping leaves. The camera then cut to show a large brown unicorn stallion with a darker brown mane and a squint-eyed expression. He was wearing a black and white stripped ref's shirt with a whistle and sporting a large boulder for his cutie mark. "Now let me introduce your referee, Mr. Pewter Stone!" The crowd erupted again. Ponymon? What the hell is that? It must be like pokemon.
......
......
Wait. If that's like pokemon, then....... Ah, crap. It dawned on me where I was. All I could hear is the announcer's voice and the deafening crowd. I tried to ask what was going on out there, but found I couldn't talk. What the heck was Discord thinking. A familiar theme started blaring from the speakers. Looks like ol' Disy thought of everything. The announcer came back on.
"THIS IS GOING TO BE A SIX ON SIX BATTLE! THE WINNER WILL GET TO DECIDE THE FATE OF EQUESTRIA!" Discord appeared next to her and whispered something in her ear before reappearing on the field. "Oh, and uh, the fate of someplace called Earth as well." she added half-heartedly.
Discord snapped his talon and a device like a iPad appeared in Andy's hand. The draconnequus's voice came from the speaker. "You might want this. I know you're familiar with a certain game series, so, think of this like you would your game screen. You can basically do the same things you could there, like issue commands and swap out whoever maybe on the field. I'd hate for this to be too easy for me." The small viewing screen lit up in front of Andy. The top half showed an overhead view of the main area of the field. Below that were six full ball slots. Six? But all I remember is Anthony, that purple one, the pegasus, and Celestia. I wonder who the other two are? He touched one of the slots. It now displayed a picture of a dragon-like creature called Spike and listed his attacks and stats. Hmm, he's a powerful little guy. Crunch, dragon rage, dig and flamethrower. And pretty well rounded, even if they are all attacks. He was about to try the next one, when it disappeared. An instant later, a pony he'd never seen before appeared on "our" side of the field. Her bouncy yellow mane swayed in a breeze that came from a light flapping of her wings. Her stats were listed at the bottom of the top half. Let's see. The attacks listed were hoof stomp, strength, air slash, and cosmic power. Discord's jaw hit the ground with a loud CLANG! The pony turned to Andy. She reached a hoof behind her and produced a cap. She tossed it to him. He looked at the gift. A red and white cap with a large green L on the front. The big guy teared up. "I'm going to be the very best." he said. She answered him and turned to face Discord.
"Like no one ever was."
"Where the hell did she come from?" he shouted. The white pegasus giggled.
"I know you originally had somepony else picked out to fill out his team, but, they had small 'accident'." she said, making air quotes with the tips of her wings. "I sorry if this comes as a," She paused and put on a pair of black sunglasses. "Surprise." Another white pegasus that looked like he lived on steroids hopped up with a loud shout.
"YEEAAHH!"
"LOOKS LIKE THIS BATTLE IS ABOUT TO GET UNDERWAY!"
The mismatched spirit of chaos sat for a moment in shock and thought. This latest turn of events threw his plan into disarray. Sadly, the irony was lost on him. This newcomer might just be the one to turn the odds against him, if the rumors were true. Surprise, like himself and a few others had access to dimensional jumping abilities. He stood there trying to gather his thoughts when something snapped him out of it. That other human was yelling.
"HEY UGLY! What's taking so long? Get your wannabe-Frankenstein ass in gear! Mr. Toothy's getting impatient!" Andy shouted across the field.
"You dare to order me around? Who do you think you are? Very well though, Luna, be a dear and crush them please." He said as he sent out his first choice. After a bright flash, there stood the princess of the night. Her normal color was muted and she had an angry look on her face.
"Don't take this personally, but, you'll wish you were on the moon by the time I'm done." Luna said, gliding out to the middle of the field.
"Well, are you going to stand there staring at my flank all day or are we going to do this? Hey, leggo my tail! Whooooa!" Surprise shouted as Andy grabbed her tail and flung her toward the waiting princess. She smacked into the others' flared out wings before they separated and glared at each other.
I just had to find out what exactly was going on out there. All I could hear was the occasional shout or maybe the announcer every once in a while. Just how in the hell was I supposed to get out of here? I couldn't see anything, it was so dark. I felt it getting colder as well. I tried moving, bouncing around, anything I could think of, but nothing happened.
"Well, you've gone and done it this time old boy." I said to myself. "If it weren't for being the unicorn stuck in a pokeball, this might be kind of funny. I mean another pony, like say Twilight would most likely just teleport out. But, how would...I....God I'm such an idiot." I facehoofed. With a bit of concentration, and a little effort, I popped out and appeared next to Andy. Twilight sat a little bit behind us next to the chainsaw, watching the fight intently. "What's going on, hoss?" I asked. Wow, it must be colder than I thought, because I could see my breath coming out in puffs of condensation. Twilight smirked.
"It took you long enough. Forget you could teleport?" she asked. I just smiled and nodded. I looked at the scoreboard and saw Andy was down to his last three ponies. Discord was only down two. Being as I was still standing around and Twilight was behind us, then who was...I looked out at the field and was mildly amused and somewhat horrified by what was going on out there. It seemed that number three was Derpy. Derpy was having a tough time of it against Rarity. I walked over and sat next to Twilight.
"Again, what is going on? How long was I in there? Are there snacks?" I asked the purple mare. She shivered and looked at me. I could see a sheen of sweat on her coat and a bottle of water next to her. Maybe it wasn't the temperature that was cold, maybe it was me. I looked back and noticed a light frost on my own coat and mane. It finally dawned on me. I was an ice-type. No wonder it was so cold.
"Well, I'll tell you if you back up a little. You're as cold as ice." She said. I complied and backed up and plopped my plot on the ground, a small area of frost spreading out around me. Both of our eyes snapped back to the field when we heard a loud shriek, to see Rarity fire off what looked to be a pin missile attack. Derpy was doing a decent job of dodging but one passed through her mane, which led to the shriek. The announcers were strangely silent. Twilight took a breath and sighed. "A white pegasus mare named "Surprise" filled in our sixth spot, our fifth being Spike. She was taken out by princess Luna, who was then knocked out by her sister, princess Celestia. The princess was then taken down by Pinkie Pie of all ponies." I looked a little skeptical. I mean if Celestia could move the sun, then how did she get beaten by her? Twilight continued, "I know it sounds crazy, but, Pinkie used a move called "metronome" and hit her with something called "thunder wave" which left her unable to move for the most part. She was finished off with stomp. Then Spike was sent out and when he saw what had happened to the princess he unleashed "dragon rage", I think that's what Andy called it. Between that and a move called "dig", Spike took Pinkie out quickly. Discord then sent out Rarity. Spike lost in a few seconds, because of his not-so-secret crush. As you can see, Derpy was next up. That about sums it up. Oh, and it's been about an hour and no. The only snack vendors sold out about ten minutes ago." My eye twitched. I had been trapped in a pokeball, nearly frozen, my friends were losing, and I was hungry as hell. I walked up next to Andy, a wave of frost spreading ahead of me. Looking over his shoulder, I saw Derpy's status wasn't too good.
"Switch her out with me." I said next to his ear. "I've got a plan." Andy nearly jumped out of his skin. Apparently, I'm quieter than I thought.
"SUMMINABITCH!"
"Don't need to, he's on the other end of the field. Anyway, listen." I said, and stood up and started whispering in his ear. All Twilight caught out of it was the occasional glance from me, a gesture at the surrounding stadium, a hoof pointed at Mr. Toothy, and the name "Jack Black". Andy stepped back and gave me a look that asked if I was insane. I probably was.
"You sure, hoss?" he asked. I just gritted my teeth and gave a curt nod. "A'ight then. DERPY! RETURN!" He called out as a red beam lashed out and Derpy disappeared in a flash of light. Comically enough, it happened just as Rarity was attempting a body slam. She froze in mid-air long enough to see an "uh-oh" expression on her face before she smacked into the dirt. I trotted out and took a little time to stretch while Rarity got her senses back. After a second or two she stood up and realized I wasn't Derpy.
"Darling, you simply must get that frost off your mane, it makes you look years older. Here, let me help!" she said and fired off a power gem attack that grazed my horn and took a good portion of the left side of my mane off. That shit ain't no joke! Better get started then!
"Miss Rarity, you really need to.....chill." I replied and fired off my own frost breath at her. Not the most witty reply I know, but, whatever works. I exhaled a cloud of super chilled air that hit her flank as she turned to dodge. She jumped with a yelp and started running around in circles.
"AAAAAGGGGHHHH! COLD! COLD! COLD!"
I laughed until a glare from her shut me up. Oh crap. Phase two! I concentrated and called up a blanket of mist that filled the stadium. Hopefully Andy had filled Twilight in and they were working on it. I just had to keep Rarity busy until I heard the signal.
"Dear, you can't hide forever. I'll find you eventually. AHA! THERE!" She yelled. I heard what could only have been a pin-missle fire off. I flinched and waited for the hit but it never came. Instead, I heard somepony in the crowd cry out. I heard soft hoofsteps to my left, and I just eased away. I suddenly got an idea. The frost on my coat and mane, if I could make it more dense and shinier.... I concentrated and the ice started building up. It was a good thing too, because I had just been discovered. An evil grin crossed the white unicorn's face. "That icy coat on your fur, it's lovely, almost magical too bad I'm going to ruin it." She snarled and hit me with another power gem shot. I didn't move and prayed my idea would work.
Andy turned to Twilight as soon as my mist went up. "Twilight, do you remember exactly where Discord was standing before?" he asked her. She nodded.
"Yes. Why?"
"I'm going to deal with him. Personally. Anthony's got a plan to get him to stop this once and for all." He replied grimly. She cocked her head to the side.
"How so?"
"Just some, how shall we say, aggressive negotiations." he said, reaching down and patting Mr. toothy. Twilight's lavender face took on a slight green hue. She really didn't want to hear the details, but she understood what he wanted her to do.
"You want me to teleport you next to him so you can you know...?" she asked. He picked up the chainsaw and nodded. "Do you really have to though? We could just imprison him again."
"From what I understand of what Celestia told-"
"That's Princess Celestia."
"Whatever. From what Her Royal Mooch told me, he only let you think he was imprisoned, so, that wouldn't work. It also seems that he's playing for keeps. What happened to Anthony and myself shouldn't happen to anybody else. He took one of my friends away for almost fifteen years. That's time we'll never get back. So, please Ms. Sparkle, give me this." he said, looking her dead in the eyes. She saw a chilling mix of anger and sadness in them, it wasn't something liked seeing. She nodded. Her horn lit up.
I felt a force slam into me, but no pain. I heard Rarity scream and go tumbling. My magic coat had worked. I faded back into the veil of mist, watching the frazzled unicorn stagger back to her hooves. She looked like she was getting angry. "You! You're getting my coat dirty! Come out and face me! Coward! Scared of a little mare like me?" I saw an opening.
"Hah! Little? You? HAW-HAW-HAW! I've seen smaller clydesdales!" I called back. I made sure to keep moving so she couldn't pinpoint me. I heard her gasp. I could hear a sound like a tea kettle boiling over.
"DID. YOU. JUST. CALL. ME. FAT?" I had her undivided attention.
"Well, you are the same color as a marshmallow, and you are pretty squishy. You do the math. Oh, and y'all ain't too light neither." I answered. Tee-hee, aren't I smart? A loud roar exploded from close by. *gulp!* Maybe not the best idea I've ever had. If that small puddle next to my hooves was anything to go by, that is. A brief flash on my right followed by a flash on my left told me it was nearly time. I called up an icy wind to part the mist and sent it toward the second flash. The mist lifted and Rarity was directly behind me. She had me dead to rights and would have finished me if another roar hadn't sounded from next to Discord.
Discord spun the moment he had heard the noise and brought his talon down in a swipe at the source. With a rev from the chainsaw and a scream from him his talon flew through the air and landed in the middle of the field next to a horrified Rarity. She swooned and fainted and I carried her back to Twilight. Her color slowly returning. Some movement out of the corner of my eye drew my attention back to the bloody talon. It seemed to writhe like a lizard's tail does when it breaks away. Suddenly it jumped in the air and gave a final snap of it's claws before it lay still. One of the strangest things I'd ever seen and that's saying a lot. Back to Andy and Disco-or-or HOLY SHIT! I quickly made my way over.
A burning, prickly sensation spread over Andy's body as a light momentarily blinded him. He felt an odd weight on his back. He rubbed at his eyes with a claw and almost dropped Mr. Toothy. A bird-like claw. Fearing what else he would see he looked down and saw dull, almost ash grey fur. Discord, meanwhile, was laughing like crazy. Andy just glared, an angry fire burning in his eyes.
"You should see your feathered face right now! If looks could kill I might be in trouble. BWA-HAHAHAHA!"
"Ain't no might about it. Looks, maybe not. My little friend here on the other hand..." Andy growled, tightening his grip on the chainsaw.
"I'm sorry, what was th-UUUUUUUURK!" he gurgled as blade chewed through the flesh and bone of Discord's neck.
"DECAPTATIOOOOON!"
A look of shock and fear was permanently frozen onto his face as it hit the floor and I encased it and the now slumped over body in ice. A bright flash found us outside the stadium, both princesses standing a short distance away in the middle of seven ponies and one little dragon.
"You may want to stand back a bit." the taller princess said. We moved back to where they stood and faced the castle. The princesses horn lit up in a series of, well, pulses. With each pulse, the stadium faded from sight and the castle slowly came back into being. Needless to say we were all awestruck by the display.
"What's happened to all the ponies in the arena?" Derpy asked. "Are they okay?" Celestia smiled.
"Believe it or not Miss Hooves, none of them were real. They were merely copies, images of ponies from around the area."
"All of them!?" I shouted. "Even that pegasus, Surprise, that Twilight mentioned?" Andy cleared his throat.
"Pardon me your Highness, but, WHAT ABOUT ME?"
Celsetia sighed. "I'm not sure what happened to her. She was an actual pony, however, she wasn't from this world either. She may return later, I can't be sure.."
Luna spoke up. "It seems Discord made a fundamental change to your body structure. Yours as well, I'm afraid Anthony. What I mean to say is that you are what you appear to be. I mean the two of you are now pony and griffon." she finished. Pinkie leapt up and grabbed the two of us in sort of a hug.
"You may kiss the bird!" I wriggled away and my friend just looked at her out the corner of his eye and spoke in a low voice.
We weren't walking back to Ponyville, oh no, the royal sisters had sent all of us back home first class. Huh. Home. This was home now. The princesses had sent letters to the mayor to make it official. I chuckled as I recalled what that conversation had led to. It had actually been pretty straight forward.
"Now that that's settled, there's really no point in the two of us going home. I was thinking about staying in Ponyville. Andy? Andy?" He just stared off into space. "Just ditto that for him then, I guess." She laughed. I had to ask something else. "What about Discord's body?"
"Well to answer your first problem, I'll have letters sent out to the mayor of the town, stating that as of now you are both Equestrian citizens and are to be treated as such. Secondly, about Discord. I was planning on having the Elements of Harmony turn his remains into stone and keep the three pieces sent to Tartarus. Why do you ask?" She asked.
"And that's how the royal guard barracks got a new urinal!" I said, having relayed my thoughts out loud to the girls. They all stared at me with expressions ranging from disbelief to disgust to utter confusion. Rainbow Dash spoke up.
"So, you mean that everyday ponies are going to almost constantly...."
"Be pissing on Discord's petrified corpse." I finished. She blinked a few times and fell over laughing her tail off. I looked over and saw Andy staring off out the window. I walked over and plopped down next to him. "Dude, what's wrong? I mean the transformation spell reset your age to a few years younger than me, and you can fly now. What could possibly be wrong?" He answered in a distant voice.
"I can't believe she really did it." I facehoofed. It would be that. Hoo-boy. Pinkie giggled and waved at us. This was going to be a long ride back to town. I joined him at at the window, watching the landscape go by.
