A man wakes up in Lyra's body... But how can he avoid ruining Lyra's life if nopony believes him?
This could be Lyra's big break: she's the warmup musician for the first annual Running of the Leaves autumn concert! The audience will be huge, and if the musician does well, she could be on her way to bigger and better things! But it's going to be hard to prepare in the few days she has left, so Lyra really needs to work hard to be ready.
Unfortunately for Lyra, her mind doesn't seem to be at home right now. Instead, her body is being controlled by a very surprised MLP:FIM fan named Lyle Hartman. He doesn't know the first thing about playing the lyre, but time stops for nopony and the show must go on. So all Lyle has to do is figure out a way to get back to his proper world (and hopefully bring Lyra's mind back to wherever it went) before the unicorn is expected to perform on stage. Easy, right?
...Now if only Lyle could get somepony to believe him.
The metallic jangling of the alarm clock jolted me abruptly out of strange and foggy dreams. I had the vague impression of sitting at a desk, typing away. Great. I’d been dreaming about work—definitely something I wanted to be thinking about on a beautiful Saturday morning. Groaning and mouthing what may or may not have been obscenities, I batted awkwardly at the alarm clock until one lucky swing sent the demonic clockwork thing off the nightstand and across the floor. Ah, blessed quiet.
I lay still for a few moments more, trying to take stock of things much like an operating system running startup checks. My head throbbed a bit, but I’d had worse hangovers. I couldn’t precisely recall what had happened last night, but I’d probably been out with the guys from the office again. Ralph knew this nice little bar out on the other side of Tacoma that served the most amazing margaritas…
Shaking my head, I tried to focus. Okay. So I’d probably been out partying. Then why in blue blazes would I be up early on a Saturday morning when—oh! The show. The show would be on soon. Okay, that changed my priorities somewhat. No more lounging on the mattress for me.
Lingering headache or no, it was time to get moving. I rolled out of bed and swayed for a moment. My body felt oddly heavy, but that was hardly a surprise if I’d had so much to drink last night that I couldn’t even remember what I’d done. The surprise was more that I wasn’t praying at the porcelain altar right now. Heh.
Kicking at the much-abused alarm clock until its face was facing upward, I peered blearily at it. Yup, it was about 6:45 AM. If I hurried, I could be plunked in front of the television right on time. Breakfast could wait until later. I headed for the bathroom for my morning constitutional.
A few minutes later, I trotted down the stairs to my living room, sighing in relief. My headache seemed to be lifting somewhat, so that was good. My mouth still tasted a bit like a cat had slept in it, but more thorough hygiene could wait. It wasn’t like the television was going to complain that I had morning breath.
I took a comfortable seat on my couch, leaning back into the soft padding to try to make up for lost mattress time as I flipped on the TV. Now where was the—aha, there was the remote. I mashed the ‘on’ button and grinned in anticipation.
Confession time. I wasn’t getting ready to watch some cool, manly show. This wasn’t GI Joe, or Transformers, or Batman, or anything like that. I, Lyle Hartman, 30-year-old software engineer and resident of Tacoma, Washington, was sitting on my couch grinning like an idiot in anticipation of the most girly show imaginable: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I was pretty excited for today’s episode, too—this was going to be the autumn concert episode. Out of any part of the show one could name, the song and dance numbers were probably my favorite bit. I couldn’t wait to see how the music was. Yeah, I know, grown man getting excited about little animated horses. What of it?
My Little Pony was my secret, guilty pleasure—and I hoped it stayed that way. I’d been as careful as I could possibly be and would have gladly died before risking the unending mockery and pranks of Stan and Ralph. ‘The Stan’ and Ralph MacGuffin were two of my best friends at Delphi Software and as jock-like as you can get in a company that employs nerds almost exclusively (I swear, even the janitor has a pocket protector)… but I’m drifting off topic again. Suffice to say that I was certain that nobody knew that I liked the show, and I intended to keep it that way.
The TV flickered to life. I stared at the images on the screen, my eager smile falling into a frown and then an expression of open-mouthed horror. On the screen, colorful ponies chatted happily… but I wasn’t watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. This was an early morning news show on CNN… only, it was PNN—the Pony News Network. I groaned. Either I was still dreaming, or Stan and Ralph had found me out.
Okay, there was no need to panic yet. Maybe I was just hallucinating. I flipped channels until I got to the Hub. Oh, good. It was just coming off commercial break. The announcer’s voice was just as I remembered, calming my nerves as he said, “Now back to My Little Person: Software is Magic here on the Hub!”
Wait. What had that guy just said? I watched in wide-eyed disbelief as the theme song started. The tune was right, but something seemed… off, to put it mildly.
My little person, my little person,
Aaaahh… Aaahhh…
My little person!
I used to wonder what my job could be,
Until Delphi gave employment to me.
Staring fixedly at the screen, I saw a cutesy, animated version of myself climb out of a taxi. It was definitely supposed to be me; the character was wearing my favorite vest and tie. This was… Wow. There was no question about it now. Managing to hijack my television receiver had Stanley ‘The Stan’ Winkowski written all over it.
Beta testing, tons of fun
No nine to five job; just get it done!
I had to smile a bit despite the situation. Aside from being horrified at the prospect of having every conversation with my co-workers start out with, ‘so Lyle, how about them ponies,’ the work my friends had gone to on this prank was incredible. None of them were all that artistic, yet they’d somehow managed to put together a full-length flash animation complete with music. And their singing voices weren’t half bad. Who knew?
Crazy weekends; margarita treats!
And software makes it all complete.
My little person…
Don't you know you are my very best friends..?
Finally, the title sequence ended with my co-workers and me grinning in a big group hug, just like the original opener and the real characters. Not bad at all. I was going to get my friends for this, but they’d actually done some impressive work.
The sound of someone coming slowly down the stairs wrenched my attention momentarily away from the television. Odd. What had I been doing last night? I didn’t remember bringing anyone home with me, but stranger things had happened. Now that I thought about it, there had been a warm presence in the bed next to me when I’d awakened… I’d simply been too groggy to think about it at the time.
I flipped the TV off and turned to greet my mystery visitor. Her voice preceded her as she neared at the bottom of the stairs. “Lyra! Lyra, honey, are you up already?”
My mind ground to a screeching halt when my guest came into view. She was naked, her creamy body completely exposed to my astonished gaze. So far, so good. Her hair was a luxurious, curly dark blue with pink highlights, and she had the most amazing blue eyes… Oh, and she was on all fours. And she was a pony. In fact, she was a pony I recognized: it was Bon Bon, one of the minor characters from My Little Pony.
What was a pony doing here? On earth? In my house?! I opened my mouth to say something, but hesitated. Should I talk to Bon Bon? Should I hide? What would she think, seeing a human for the first time? Was it the first time? Should I—Oh god she was looking this way!
Bon Bon caught sight of me and smiled happily. “Oh, good morning. Did you sleep well?”
“I- I- Don’t be scared, Bon Bon! I—!” Whoops, maybe I shouldn’t have used her name so early. She might get the impression I was stalking her. I stammered and tried to think of how to recover.
The cream colored mare stared at me, confusion obvious on her face. “Scared..? Why?”
Bon Bon was obviously made of stronger stuff than I’d thought. Maybe it would be better if I introduced myself. “Er… Well I would be if I woke up in a strange house with a big, pink ape thing. You’re taking this pretty well, Bon Bon. Uh… I’m Lyle. I’m what we call a human. How are you?”
Some introduction, right? Lyle Hartman: Humanity’s Ambassador to Ponykind. I kept my eyes fixed firmly on her face and tried to smile in a friendly manner as I held out my hand in greeting, but Bon Bon made no move to shake it. Now she was reacting a bit more normally. She stared at me with growing puzzlement. “You... what? ‘Human..?’”
“I’m not really sure how you got here,” I continued… but Bon Bon wasn’t listening. She looked absolutely dumbfounded, staring at me without really hearing the words. After a moment she closed her eyes and began massaging the bridge of her muzzle with one hoof. I trailed off, letting her wrestle with her inner demons in silence. It probably wasn’t easy, finding out that you’d woken up in the wrong world somehow.
Finally, Bon Bon looked up at me again. She started to smile as though at a joke she’d just remembered, then frowned again. Then smiled again. I could practically see the gears turning in her mind, trying to process her bizarre new setting. Seeing me was probably a heck of a shock. Finally she managed to speak. “Hahaha… uh… You’re… I…”
I nodded, trying to encourage the poor earth pony to continue. Bon Bon swallowed and gathered her strength. Setting her jaw, she took a deep breath and let it out. The mare’s face was a friendly yet serious mask as she waved one hoof towards the door leading into my house’s small kitchen. “Could… could you join me in the kitchen for a bit? I’m sure you’re hungry for breakfast.”
“Sure.” It would be best to go along with this for the moment. I slid off the couch and followed the cream colored pony into the kitchen. Only when we got there did I start wondering how it was that she knew her way around my house. Had she been here before? Hah, not likely…
Plates clattered as Bon Bon set the table. I started to help, but she shook her head and, still in silence, started preparing a meal. It was interesting to watch her work. I’d never really considered all the aspects of living without hands, but somehow the earth pony mare made it seem easy. Finally, she broke the silence as we sat, waiting for the toaster to pop up. “I hope you don’t mind toast; we really need to go grocery shopping today.”
Didn’t Bon Bon mean that I needed to go grocery shopping? This was my house, but she was acting like it was hers and I was the guest! The entire situation felt increasingly surreal—and when you start with a talking pony, that’s pretty weird. I had to ask. “Toast is fine. Um… Bon Bon? Why are you acting like this is ‘our’ house?”
“Because, I—I… Oh, Celestia, I can’t do this, not even to keep you calm until you go back to normal or I can find someone to fix this. This is our house!” Bon Bon was looking at me with a strained expression, her face twisted as it tried to display fear and pity in equal measure.
“Whuh..?” Okay, not my finest moment, I admit. I’ve never been that good around women, especially with the way they always seem to come up with the most random things. How could I possibly have something intelligible to say to what the distraught pony had just blurted out?
Instead of waiting for me to form a coherent response, Bon Bon turned and rummaged in my—apparently in her cabinets. By the time she turned back around with a large, shiny steel pot lid clenched between her teeth, I had just about gotten my brain in gear. I drew in a deep breath as she approached, trying to gather my thoughts. “Now look, Bon Bon. I know this is a weird situation. But saying crazy things like that won’t get you back to Equestria any sooner, so— Whoah! Watch it!”
I jerked back in surprise as Bon Bon all but thrust the pot lid into my face. I had to grab onto it just to keep from having my nose pasted across my cheeks by a thin layer of stainless steel. As soon as I snatched at the lid, Bon Bon let go and begged, “Just look at yourself, you stupid filly!”
Poor Bon Bon… All this must be too much for her. She’d clearly lost her grip on reality. I was about to drop the pot lid and give serious thought to calling animal control when something caught my eye. It was a large, light green shape reflected in the shiny surface of the lid. I stared at it, beginning to feel faintly ill. Two gold-orange eyes stared back from a distorted reflection of a face… a pony face, complete with a cute little muzzle. And was that a horn peeking out of my hair..? I swallowed, my throat suddenly dry.
Bon Bon’s angry tones cut through my numb shock as she hissed, “I don’t have to ‘get back to Equestria’ because this is Equestria, Lyra Heartstrings! Now why don’t you come back to Equestria! Let’s stop this foalishness and—Lyra? Lyra!”
The pot lid clattered from my hooves as I felt myself collapsing to the floor in a dead faint.
“Lyra? Oh, Celestia, I’m sorry… Lyra! Please wake up… I’m not mad at you or anything, you stupid, crazy mare… Lyra Heartstrings! Wake up!” Someone was shaking me awake. Why was whoever-it-was calling me Lyra? My name was Lyle, and… I opened my eyes. Oh. Right. Make that somepony was shaking me awake. Moaning a bit, I sat up.
Everything felt wrong. I looked down and felt my jaw drop. My hands! In place of the normal five-digit appendages, my arms were tipped with wide hooves, just as green as the rest of me seemed to be. I struggled upwards until I was standing unsteadily on all fours. Good lord. No wonder Bon Bon had confused me with Lyra. This wasn’t my body at all! “Oh god, this can’t be happening…”
Instead of the expected baritone, my words came out in a soft, feminine tenor. Before I could recover from that shock, I received the next as a horrible thought occurred to me—had my voice actually sounded any different from when I had first spoken to Bon Bon in the living room? When precisely had I gone from ‘me’ to, well, this?
Concentrating, I played back my meager memories of the morning. Had I ever actually looked in a mirror? Stared at my hands? Anything like that? No. I hadn’t even been paying attention to that much besides the lingering headache and sense of nausea when I’d hit the bathroom a half hour before. There was no way I could put my finger—er… whatever—on precisely when the transition had occurred. Maybe even before I woke up. Definitely before I’d gotten into a conversation with Bon Bon, but…
My imagination began working overtime to conjure up near hysterical mental images of myself trotting to work at Delphi Software, oblivious to the fact that I was wearing the body of a little green unicorn pony. I could see it now, like a bizarre version of that old chestnut, the ‘show up at school / work without your pants’ dream. Co-workers rolled their eyes. Stan and Ralph snickered and complimented my flanks with leering grins on their faces. Ugh…
If I kept imagining bizarre things like this, I was going to send myself straight off the deep end. Desperate to distract myself, I looked around the room and out the kitchen window. The sky was a perfect blue, without a single visible cloud. This definitely wasn’t western Washington State, then. Not at this time of year. As I watched, a bright speck of color—a distant pegasus pony no doubt—zoomed by and started pushing a small cloud out of view.
Bon Bon had been right about one thing, at least... She wasn’t on Earth; I was in Equestria. Somehow, my entire house had been transported here, leaving nothing behind… nothing save for a little thing I like to call MY BODY.
I examined myself again, craning my neck to look back at the green-furred pony whose form was now mine. Soon I was turning in a circle almost like a dog chasing its tail until I caught sight of a golden lyre on my—on the body’s—flank. So it was true, then. Somehow I looked like Lyra. Or maybe my mind was in her body. Or… or something. I found myself swaying a bit, dizzy from the realization.
Bon Bon was next to me in an instant. The earth pony let me lean against her for support, her warm, gentle strength keeping me upright. She nuzzled me affectionately, sending a thrill up my spine as she whispered into my ear, her voice full of anxiety. “I’m sorry… I thought that would snap you out of it. Um… Are you all right, Lyra?”
The gesture was strangely comforting. Bon Bon seemed genuinely concerned… maybe even more than a friend would be. Was the so-called ‘fanon’ right about the off-white earth pony and her mint green unicorn friend? Hah, well I was certainly in a good position to find out, now...
But even if I looked like Lyra, I couldn’t let Bon Bon treat me like I was Lyra. I sighed and stepped away. “It’s okay. Um. Please, Bon Bon, don’t call me that. I... wow. This is awkward. Could you please call me Lyle? This may be hard to understand, but I’m not Lyra. I’m… I think I’m in her body or something, but I’m not her.”
Hooray, this was going swimmingly. The morning had started out well enough even with the hangover, but now I was nearly making Bon Bon cry trying to explain something that seemed more ridiculous than the plot of the first fanfic I’d written (what? Yes, I've written fanfics. So sue me). What could I possibly say to make this less awkward? Heck, I would have been happy to think of something to say that would have made it more awkward at that point; it would mean I hadn’t done the worst possible job breaking the news to the blue-maned mare.
I was about to beg Bon Bon not to hate me, but to my surprise I found it wasn’t necessary. With a deep sigh, the earth pony nodded. I couldn’t tell whether she believed me or was just humoring me; all I could see was the look of concern in those big, blue eyes and the deepening creases of worry lines on her face. “You… All right, Lyra… ‘Lyle,’ I mean.”
Bon Bon trailed off for a moment, leaving a pause just as awkward as our earlier furtive attempts at conversation. She bit her lip and searched my face nervously. Finally she nodded and stomped one hoof emphatically. “Right! Did you still want some breakfast? The toast is done.”
Although I started to shake my head, but my stomach—or Lyra’s stomach—growled with flawless dramatic timing. Thinking better of it, I nodded and slid gratefully into a chair at the kitchen table where our interrupted breakfast still steamed. Bon Bon joined me, hopping up to a neighboring seat and tucking in without a moment’s hesitation.
I found myself watching Bon Bon eat with a slight smile tugging at the corners of my mouth. As she munched on the toast, she seemed to lose some of the worried lines that had marked her face. Chowing down hungrily, the earth pony was almost cute… and more to the point, I would need to watch her to figure out how to do any eating myself.
After a moment Bon Bon noticed that she was the only one eating and shot me an exasperated look. “Come on, ‘Lyle.’ Aren’t you hungry?”
“Sorry, just thinking about all this, er…” I shrugged, gesturing distractedly with one forehoof.
Bon Bon saw through me immediately and laughed. It felt good to see a bit of a smile on her face. “If you’re worried about how to pick things up, just try it without thinking so much about it. You’re a unicorn pony, remember?”
“I’m not a unicorn, I’m—oh. Right.” I looked down at the toast. There was a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach as I looked at my breakfast. The toasted bread was cut diagonally, with the crusts off. Just how I liked it. I hesitated a moment to consider this, but I was far too hungry to mull it over for long. Instead, I concentrated on the slice of toast and tried to imagine how a unicorn might use telekinesis.
Perhaps there was some mental chant or exercise that unicorn ponies had to use? Or maybe I had to perfectly visualize the toast and—
Interrupting my train of thought, Bon Bon slammed a hoof down on the table. “For Celestia’s sake, stop staring at your toast and pick it up!”
Taken aback, I did so. To my surprise, I found the toast slice I’d been thinking about floating in the air, right next to my muzzle. Huh. It had worked! Experimentally, I picked up a glass of juice as well. It seemed like as long as I didn’t concentrate specifically on what I was doing long enough to realize how impossible it was, telekinesis was almost second nature.
I took a bite of the toasted bread. Instead of the expected humdrum taste of buttered toast, the slice was packed with sweet… tangy… nutty… words failed me. Suffice to say, it was delicious. I washed it down with some of the juice and shoveled another piece of toast into my mouth, eating as though I hadn’t seen food in a week. Between gulping bites I managed to gasp out, “Hey, this is really good!”
A pleased smile graced Bon Bon’s cream-colored muzzle. “You really like it? I had some leftover spices and such from the last batch of truffles, and so I was trying something new with some compound butter…”
I nodded. “It’s amazing!.. So your cutie mark really does mean that you work with candies? Everybody thought so, but it’s nice to know for sure. Um…”
Bon Bon was looking at me like I had a horn growing out of my—okay, bad choice of words there. I realized after a beat that I had referenced my fellow My Little Pony fans. Whooops. I’d been so pleased that we’d powered through the initial embarrassment of ‘sorry I seem to have woken up in the wrong body’ that I’d failed to bug check my words before compiling my sentence. Fortunately, the mare seemed just to write it off as another weird Lyle-ism and didn’t press me for further explanation. Eager to avoid any further dimension-traveling faux pas I focused on the rest of my toast and juice.
Like me, Bon Bon ate in silence for the rest of the meal. Despite the delicious food, the entire situation was amazingly uncomfortable. Every time I looked up to see what she was doing, she was very specifically not watching me… but her pretty face was once again marked with concern, and I could feel her eyes on me when I wasn't looking. Fortunately for both our sakes, finishing breakfast didn’t take very long.
After swallowing one last bite of food, I pushed away from the table. I stood up, patting my bulging stomach appreciatively with one forehoof and nodding my thanks to the mare who’d made it all possible. “Thank you very much, Bon Bon. That was excellent. I’m just glad I don’t have someone like you to cook for me every day, ha ha… I’d end up needing a new pair of pants in no time flat.”
One glance from Bon Bon told me I’d just pushed the knife deeper and twisted it a bit. I could see tears welling up in her eyes. Good god. Open mouth, insert hoof. Here I was, basically prancing around in her fillyfriend’s, or wife’s or whatever’s body, and I wasn’t missing a single opportunity to remind her about it. “Oh, Bon Bon… I’m sorry. I… Look, this is Ponyville that my—that this house is in, right?”
“Last time I checked.” Bon Bon wiped her muzzle and hopped out of her chair to start with the washing up. She seemed to be concentrating on the work to take her mind off… other things. Like the problems I was probably causing her.
I set my jaw and clapped my forehooves in what I hoped was a decisive gesture. “All right, then. Come on, we shouldn’t just hang around here all day. Let’s see Twilight Sparkle about getting me home… and Lyra back for you. We can leave the washing until later.”
“‘Back..?’” Bon Bon stopped clearing the table and gaped in disbelief. “You mean you want to go out there and tell everypony that you’re convinced you’re Lyle Hartman?”
“Er, no. Not everyone…. Wait. Bon Bon, how did you know my surname?” I examined the mare suspiciously. That was odd. I didn’t remember telling her my last name. My mind was still a bit scrambled, but I was pretty sure I hadn’t… had I?
Bon Bon pressed one hoof to her face in a gesture of tired acceptance. “Just—never mind, Lyle. You’re right. I was going to go get Twilight Sparkle, but it would be faster just to go to her. Maybe she can do something for you.”
Well, that had been easier than I anticipated. I smiled and headed for the door. Another tricky problem solved by Lyle Hartman’s amazing personal skills! Or something. Bon Bon’s voice caught me up short. “…And Lyle?”
“Yes?” I turned to see her disapproving frown.
The cream colored pony waved a hoof, indicating my bipedal stance. “Could you… Could you walk on four legs when we’re outside, please? Everypony’s already seen you sitting like, well, like you do, but…”
I bit my lip nervously and shifted from hoof to hoof. “I’m not actually sure how to walk on all fours…”
“You were doing it just fine before breakfast. Try for me. Please?” Bon Bon’s pleading glance was all the excuse I needed. With a sigh, I dropped again to all fours and took a few experimental steps.
When I somehow failed to tumble forward onto my face or otherwise to activate my excellent Delphi Software dental plan, I nodded to the waiting earth pony. “Okay Bon Bon, I think I’m ready.”
“I don’t think anypony is ready for this,” the mare muttered as she led the way out the door and into the streets of Ponyville.
Author’s Notes: Goodness, so many comments on chapter one! Believe it or not I actually do have a plan here, so hopefully it all becomes clear within the next few chapters… I just hope I don’t pace it too slowly for everyone’s tastes. Don’t worry, I plan to take this from soup to nuts in about five chapters total.
Despite my best efforts to look calm and nonchalant, I felt a grin slowly stretching across my muzzle as Bon Bon and I trotted through town. The cream-colored earth pony led the way, but I felt almost as though I didn’t need a guide. Here was the town and citizenry I had been watching for so many episodes, now in full living color. I certainly hadn’t been expecting to see Ponyville from this perspective, but seeing it I was!
The sights! The sounds! The smells! I was doing my best not to fanboy up a storm, but the sensations of actually being in a place I had only ever seen on a screen were hard to ignore. Here, a young pink unicorn filly bounced a ball down the street while singing a happy song I couldn’t quite make out. There, a powerfully-built, deep red earth pony—wow, was that Big Macintosh?—strained to pull a rumbling cart down the street. The heavily laden wagon was full to the brim with apples, so fragrant and sweet that I could smell them even from a stone’s throw away… although perhaps that was only thanks to Lyra’s more sensitive pony nose.
If this situation had been like one of those silly “human in Equestria” fanfics I’d read (yes, yes, and written, too), now would have been a great time for me to go galloping all over town, seeing the famous landmarks and meeting important ponies from the show. Perhaps Rarity could have given me one of her gem-studded, fashionable designs—although in all honesty, I’d always found her work to be a bit overdone. Maybe I could have sprinted up to Big Mac and scored a few of those wonderful apples from Sweet Apple Acres. I might even have dropped by Sugarcube Corner to get a few muffins, then split them with Ditzy Doo when she took her lunch break... But no.
Turning back to my guide, it was easy to remember why I couldn’t—or shouldn’t—do any of those things right now. Bon Bon was glancing back at me, her face carefully neutral… but I could see the worried look in those big, blue eyes. What kind of fan of My Little Pony would I be if I put Bon Bon’s happiness second to my own selfish desire to be the new man about town—sorry, mare about town? She hadn’t done anything to deserve the current situation. No. Straight to Twilight’s I would go.
As if on cue, Bon Bon and I rounded a building and the Books and Branches Library was in full view. Thankfully I retained enough self control not to shout out something like, ‘Sweet Celestia, will you look at that,’ but my muzzle was probably sporting as wide a grin as it was possible for Lyra’s face to have. I looked up at the tree-slash-library-slash-house with the kind of awe that more normal people might have reserved for architectural masterpieces. I was probably more excited now than I’d been to see the Seattle Space Needle. Okay, I was definitely more excited.
Bon Bon had no such reverence for a building she probably saw most days of the week. She trotted right up to the door, leaving me a few feet back where I continued goggling at the way the entire library had been carved right out of the wood of the living tree. After only a few sharp raps with her hoof, the door opened to show a small, scaly biped with tall green ridges down his back. It was Spike. He yawned, rubbing his eyes a bit as he stared blearily out at what must have been the library’s first two visitors of the day. “Oh… Hey Bon Bon. Hey Lyra.”
“Spike,” Bon Bon acknowledged with a nod. “Is Twilight there?”
I had resolved to myself that I wasn’t going to do anything too crazy when it came to meeting any of the main characters of the show. All right. This wouldn’t be too bad. All I had to do was stay cool and not start asking a bunch of questions, make any in-jokes just to see the look on Spike’s face, or generally make a complete ass out of myself. This should be easy, right? Right?
The little purple dragon cleared his throat. He was staring at me in askance. “Hey, Lyra. Are you going to come inside? Only, Twilight gets mad at me if I just leave the door open…”
“Whoops, heh heh… yeah. Sorry, Spike.” Oh right, ‘Lyra’ was me for anyone not in the know. Shaking my head to clear it, I realized I had been standing and staring fixedly at Spike for what might have been an uncomfortable length of time for the little dragon. Bon Bon had already gone inside who knew how long before, so I quickly followed.
Stepping into the library was like walking into a cathedral dedicated to knowledge. The soft, tangy smell of the living tree’s sap was but a faint undertone, like a hint of incense in the air. The overwhelming musty scent of hundreds upon hundreds of books made the atmosphere seem almost oppressive. Despite my conscious efforts to quiet my steps to something respectful, my hooves rang loud on the wooden floor as I approached Bon Bon and the lavender unicorn… Twilight Sparkle.
Both Twilight and Bon Bon already had their heads bent in close conversation when I approached. Their voices were low—this was a library, after all, I supposed—so I only caught a few snippets of the conversation.
“…Any idea what caused it this…?” Twilight was asking when she suddenly noticed my presence.
Celestia’s faithful student shifted conversational gears, grinning awkwardly—so adorkable!—and waving a hoof in my direction. “Oh! H-hey, Lyra…”
“Er, hey. Um. So how much has Bon Bon filled you in on… this?” I waved one foreleg at myself, trying to be as expressive as possible without actually having to say it. While I knew intellectually that I was a human trapped in Lyra’s body, it definitely wasn’t something I could say without feeling extremely silly.
Twilight nodded slowly as though thinking about my question. Finding myself trying to avoid her studious and probing gaze, I glanced back at Spike. He was busying himself re-shelving a large pile of books, but was obviously doing his best to keep one ear trained to the conversation across the room. Twilight noticed it too and reacted at once with a raised, almost motherly voice. “Spike!”
“Yes Twilight?” replied the little dragon. He grinned, trying to look innocent despite his poorly disguised eavesdropping attempts.
The purple unicorn gave me a wink and turned back to her Number One Assistant. “I’ve just remembered a few errands you need to run for me, and I’d like you to get started as soon as you can.”
“Errands? But I don’t remember you mentioning any…” Spike’s protest died on his lips. He sighed. “What do I need to do now—Whoah!”
In a sudden flash of amethyst energy, a scroll appeared and dropped onto Spike’s unprepared head. He hit the floor with a surprised cry as the long ‘To Do’ list unspooled comically across the wooden planks. None the worse for wear, the little dragon pushed himself up and looked at the first entry. “Sweet Apple Acres?! But that’s all the way over—”
“Spike,” Twilight prompted firmly, “why don’t you read the second entry on the list?”
Spike’s green eyes widened as he read down the parchment. He looked up, his face breaking into a wide, toothy grin. “You can rely on me, Twilight! Number One Assistant Spike, awayyyyy!”
The little dragon threw us a regulation salute and raced out the door. We three watched as the dangling end of the list jerked taut and followed the dragon out the still-open entrance. After a moment Twilight sighed. Her horn flared, closing the door gently.
“What exactly did you put on that list, Twilight?” Bon Bon asked, still staring in the direction the baby dragon had run. He’d practically left a purple and green streak in the air.
Seeing the slight smile on Twilight’s face, I hazarded a guess. “Something involving Rarity, right?”
“Yes. After he finishes at Sweet Apple Acres, he’ll be doing odd jobs for her for the rest of the morning,” Twilight confirmed.
The lavender unicorn turned to Bon Bon and continued, “Actually though, Bon Bon, could you help me? I need you to go give Rarity a heads up about it so she isn’t surprised when Spike shows up.”
Twilight Sparkle, you are a clever, clever pony. I was still shaking my head in amazement when Bon Bon nodded and said, “A-all right. If you think that would be best. Should I come back here afterwards?”
“Oh, yes please. I’ll just be talking with our friend, here.” Twilight smiled and nodded towards me as the cream-colored earth pony turned to head for the door.
I felt a sudden pang of fear at the thought of Bon Bon leaving me alone with Twilight. While I may not have known Bon Bon for more than the morning, it still seemed like the blue-eyed mare was closest thing I had to a friend here in Ponyville—and now she was walking out the door. I gave her a furtive wave. “You’ll… You’ll be back soon, right Bon Bon?”
“Of course. Don’t worry, I’ve filled Twilight Sparkle in on… all this,” Bon Bon said reassuringly.
Twilight Sparkle was quick to support the other mare. “Don’t worry about it. I’ve already gotten all I need from her for now. I just need to ask you a few questions so I can better understand what’s going on.”
“Well, all right…” I allowed, waving one hoof uneasily at Bon Bon as the earth pony trotted off in the direction of the Carousel Boutique.
The door closed again, and Twilight nodded in satisfaction. “All right, Lyle. Just give me a minute to get ready and we can begin.”
“Yeah, sure. No problem.” I sat down on my haunches and waited. If I’d still had thumbs, I would have twiddled them. As it was, I whistled tunelessly and mulled over my situation in a vain attempt to straighten my thoughts into the most sensible order for Twilight’s questioning. It was a bit pointless, of course; I didn’t even know what she would ask…
So, Twilight already knew my name. But how much could Bon Bon really have told her in the minute or two that it had taken me to enter the library? Well, it wasn’t as though I had a wide variety of choices here, regardless. What was I going to do, go straight to Princess Celestia? ‘Oh hey, supreme ruler of the land! You rarely interfere in the lives of your subjects but I’d like you to make a special exception for me! Well no, I’m not one of your actual subjects at all; I just stole this body by accident somehow. What’s that, Princess? To the moon with me?’
By the time I’d finished imagining Princess Celestia banishing me to the moon either for possessing one of her subjects or for wasting her time, Twilight Sparkle had gotten her things prepared. Despite the situation I found myself fighting down a grin again. There was Twilight, little librarian glasses perched precariously atop her cute muzzle and long purple mane done up in a tight bun. She patted her psychiatrist’s couch—where had she even gotten that thing?—and smiled confidently. “Could you lie down here, please? I’d like you to feel as relaxed as possible.”
“Thanks, I guess. What do you want to know?” I asked. I settled gratefully onto the couch, leaning against the backrest and swinging one foreleg over to stretch my back out. Ah, that was better. Walking around on all fours may have been normal for Lyra’s body, but it was unnatural as all get out to my mind. I leaned to one side and stretched to drive away the ghosts of mental fatigue, trying to ignore the exasperated look Twilight was giving me.
Seeming a bit flustered, Twilight drew out a notepad with her magic and poised a pencil over its blank surface. “Yes… Um. Where to begin… You say you’re Lyle Hartman, a human, but are trapped in Lyra Heartstrings’ body. Right?”
“Well, yes. That’s pretty much it,” I agreed. I felt my ears drooping a bit as I frowned. This was a serious situation, why did it always sound so ridiculous when someone—somepony, whatever—said it aloud?
Twilight made a few notes and continued. “Could you tell me a little about yourself?”
I thought about that for a minute. “I… what do you mean? Like, where I live, what I do for work, that kind of thing? Favorite foods?”
“Yes, please.” Pencil poised, Twilight listened attentively as I struggled to explain my life. Who, really, has his life story in a nutshell ready to recite on command? I did as good a job as I could manage. I skipped over large chunks of my early life in Nebraska and minimized the details on my college days; the purple unicorn was probably more worried about recent events rather than ancient history. Besides, my employment at Delphi was certainly more interesting. It’s amazing the kind of craziness you can get up to at a software company, sometimes.
Twilight had filled up several pages by the time my impromptu autobiography wound to a close. I’d been forced to backtrack a few times when I realized I’d forgotten to mention something important—for instance, my allergy to shrimp and how that related to my first taste of sushi at the ‘welcome to Delphi Software’ party that Ralph had thrown for me—but was pretty satisfied; I was sure I had covered most of the important highlights.
“Anything else?” I asked solicitously. “I’m not really sure how that helps, but I hope it does… So, what next?”
The only sound in the library was the quiet rustling of pages as Twilight Sparkle peered through her glasses, her lavender eyes reading over her notes and comparing them to another stack of papers resting next to her on the floor. She looked from the tight, neat script on the notebook to the voluminous pile of paper and back again. Not sure what else to do, I waited in silence as she reviewed both documents.
“Lyle,” Twilight started. She paused for a moment and tried again. “Lyle, what would you say if I said I already knew everything you’ve just told me?”
Twilight seemed ill at ease—but any anxiety on her part was nothing compared to what must have been showing on my face. My mouth worked for a minute before any sounds came out. “…Excuse me?”
“Have a look at these,” Twilight Sparkle directed. Lifting the large stack of papers with her magic, she passed them to me. I started to take them awkwardly in both hooves before remembering my own magic.
A greenish glow covered the papers and they floated up to my eyes. I started to read the first page. “My Little Person: Software is Magic. Episode 1: Software is Magic, Part 1… Plot Synopsis… Lyle Hartman graduates from Nebraska Sta—What the hell is this?!”
“It’s the scripts for the entire first season of My Little Person: Software is Magic,” Twilight said with a sigh. She misinterpreted my expression and hastened to add, “They’re not mine. Spike loves the show. I just watch it with him. Sometimes. Rarely. Don’t look at me like that! It’s a good show, even if it is made for little fillies.”
I flipped through a few more pages, skimming the documents line by line. There was no possible way that Twilight could have written all this up as I was talking. Unless she was a mind reader, not even magic could have gotten to the level of detail that this script had. Every single important or exciting event in my entire employment at Delphi was here: the office Christmas party. That time Stan and dragged me into downtown Seattle to score some tickets for the Seahawks game and we nearly ended up in jail. The weekend when Ralph had gotten all of us completely wasted and we’d woken up two days later in the office with half of the program module written in Pig Latin instead of C++… Everything was here. Everything.
My anger started to rise. The green nimbus around the big stack of papers flickered out as I lost my concentration thanks to the roiling emotions inside me. I felt sick. I felt like I wanted to lash out. And there was Twilight, looking as cute as ever—but somehow that didn’t soothe me as much as it might have a moment before.
“Twilight Sparkle! Are you kidding me? You’ve been spying on us?!” I cried, my voice almost a snarl. It was the only logical explanation. Never mind that the pot was calling the kettle black, here; I was pissed.
“No! No, I’m not, Lyle. Nopony is. You don’t understand,” Twilight said, dropping her notebook and moving forward in a vain attempt to placate me.
I was about to make another angry retort, but I managed to rein myself in. Hah, look at me. Another pony joke; I’m so witty. Somehow I didn’t feel like laughing at the time. I drew a deep breath and sighed, rubbing my muzzle—Lyra’s muzzle—with one hoof. “…No. Yelling at you isn’t going to do anything constructive. I’m… I’m sorry, Twilight. It’s just kind of a shock. And here I thought we were the ones spying on you. I guess this makes it more fair, ha ha.”
“…Sure. Now, Lyle—” Twilight started, but I wasn’t finished.
“Look, Twilight,” I cut in before the unicorn could complete her thought. “You’re probably the only one who can help me here, short of Princess Celestia or Princess Luna or someone. Somepony, I mean. Being here is great and I bet could have a lot of fun, but… I’m pretty sure I’m really messing up Lyra’s life while being here. Not to mention Bon Bon’s. If you can just help me get home, I’m sure we’d all really appreciate it.”
There was a knock at the door. Twilight seemed almost relieved for the break from our conversation—especially when the visitor turned out to be Bon Bon. The earth pony entered with a hopeful smile… that soon turned to a worried frown when she took in the anguished atmosphere of the room. Twilight looked frazzled. I couldn’t even begin to describe how I must have looked.
“Twilight!” Bon Bon exclaimed. “Is she..?”
“Still thinks she’s Lyle Hartman, yes,” Twilight sighed. “I thought for sure showing her all the scripts would help.”
My mouth dropped open in shock. ‘Thinks she’s Lyle..?’ But the conversation continued before I could find my voice again. Bon Bon sighed. “I should have told you this earlier… When I came downstairs this morning she was already watching an episode. I didn’t think telling you that would help…”
“You what?!” I managed at last. Neither mare seemed to notice.
Twilight shrugged in exasperation. “It might have, Bon Bon. But I’m not out of tricks yet. Let me try one more thing…”
By this point I was already off the couch and trotting towards the door as fast as my legs—my hind legs, thank you very much—could carry me. Twilight cantered forward and blocked my path. “Hold on a minute, Lyle…”
“Don’t you mean Lyra?” I accused, pointing one angry forehoof at her muzzle. “That’s who you think I am, isn’t it? You think Lyra’s just gone nuts! Well I don’t know if she’s nuts, but I’m as sane as the next man!”
“Lyle, if you would just listen!” the purple unicorn exclaimed.
“Why? You’re not listening to me. This is just like that time with you and Pinkie Pie’s ‘Pinkie Sense!’ If you can’t poke it with a stick or read about it in a book, you don’t think it’s real!” I started to edge around Twilight Sparkle, watching her warily. I couldn’t believe it. She had been leading me on this entire time hoping somehow to logic me into believing I was crazy.
I turned to Bon Bon, looking for support. “Bon Bon. You believe me, don’t you? Why would Lyra do something like this to you? Come on.”
“I don’t know why, Lyra,” Bon Bon sighed. “I just want you back.”
I found myself blinking back hot, angry tears. Yeah, real manly. Well, I didn’t care. This was the kind of close-minded junk I expected from the real world, not the characters of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Now here I was in Ponyville, trying to make things right after accidentally screwing up two ponies’ lives, and this was happening.
“Look,” Twilight broke in desperately. “If you would just let me talk, Lyra—er, Lyle. Think about it. Do you even really know how to program, or do you just know what you remember—ah!”
Before either mare could react, I bolted for the door. I tripped on a loose floorboard, but went to all fours and transitioned effortlessly from a run into a gallop. I could hear Bon Bon shouting something from the door of the library, but I ignored her and kept up my pace.
My mad, aimless flight finally slowed when I ran out of breath, energy, and tears at roughly the same time. I slowed from a gallop to a canter, then to a trot. Still breathing hard, I looked around. It would have been cliché if I had found myself deep in the Everfree Forest, or at Fluttershy’s hut, or at Sweet Apple Acres, or some major landmark of the show. Instead, I was simply in a park.
Head hung low, I walked down green, grassy paths and tried to think about what to do now. I felt too numb to come up with a reasonable plan. What did I know about dimension-hopping, or brain-switching, or whatever? Not a blessed thing. And apparently Twilight Sparkle didn’t either, or else she might actually have taken me seriously. I wanted to raise my fists to the sky and scream—oh right. No fists.
I contented myself with sprawling out on a park bench. I stared out at the peaceful fountain before me and sighed. Well. Whatever else happened, it looked like Lyra and I would be solving our own problems for the time being. And if that wasn’t enough… well, I had better start learning to enjoy the flavor of grass, and Lyra, wherever she was, had better acquire a taste for margaritas and Chinese takeout.
I leaned against the wooden slats of the backrest, staring blankly off into the middle distance. I’m not really sure how long I sat on the park bench with my mind grinding away, running over the same problem again and again. Unfortunately, no matter how I came up against it, I was stuck. I could compile my meager little assembly of facts however I wanted, but I was going to keep getting the same errors. My face twisted through a variety of emotions as my mental gears spun furiously.
What the heck was I going to do? Twilight Sparkle didn’t believe me at all! Even Bon Bon didn’t seem to believe me, even though I was reasonably sure that she should be able to tell the difference between the mannerisms of a female unicorn who played a harp for a living and a male human who earned his bread as a computer programmer.
All right. I could do this. There comes a time in a man’s life when he has no one else to turn to—when his problems seem insurmountable and help is nowhere to be found. It is at times like this that a man learns to take life in both hands and start shaking it until he gets what he wants. Maybe this was that time for me. Wasn’t it? Of course it was! Hah.
…Oh, who was I trying to kid? If it was myself, it wasn’t going to work—I had too many reminders of reality right in front of my eyes to be taken in by clever words. I looked down at what passed for my ‘hands’ these days—a couple of hooves just like the ones on the ends of my legs. It’s a bit hard to buckle down and rely on your manly strength when you’re stuck in the body of a little green unicorn mare, sitting on a bench in a world that by rights shouldn’t even exist.
Staring at the ground wasn’t helping, so I switched to staring up at the sky. The atmosphere above me was as almost impossibly blue. As I looked up, I saw a multicolored speck zip across the heavens. Was that Rainbow Dash? I looked closer and grinned a bit inside when I spotted a small orange shape hopping from cloud to cloud in hot pursuit. So Scootaloo had finally graduated from her scooter, hah… Well, at least somepony was having some luck with her life.
The sight of the fastest flyer in Equestria and her number one fan zooming across the wild blue yonder should have raised my spirits... Too bad it didn’t. I was too busy wallowing in pity both for myself and for the ponies whose lives I’d thrown into chaos just by waking up this morning.
What would I do if this were a particularly difficult assignment back in my cubicle at Delphi Software? Normally, I would try changing the venue—say, grabbing my coffee mug and head down to the break room or going out to a local restaurant to get a bite to eat. Well good job there, Lyle—the venue didn’t get any more changed than jumping to an entirely different world, right? And speaking of getting a bite… My stomach rumbled, reminding me that it had been quite some time since I’d had that delicious breakfast back at Bon Bon’s and Lyra’s place. Ugh. That was another distraction I didn’t need.
Maybe a short trot around the park would give me a better perspective on things. Sitting in one spot wasn’t doing it for me, especially with the way some of the local ponies were very carefully avoiding staring at the dejected looking green unicorn slouched unnaturally back onto the bench. Okay. Time for a walk, then.
I hopped down from the bench and started forward—but quickly remembered myself and dropped to all fours. Without a specific destination in mind, I simply turned and trotted down one of the paths. The late morning breeze ruffled through my mane, helping to sooth my frazzled nerves a bit as I tried to let everything go.
Up ahead, a tall oak tree’s wide, spreading branches cast their leafy green canopy to shade the path. Closer to the trunk was as small family of earth ponies. The two little colts played happily as their mother and father set out plates for a late brunch on a red-checkered blanket. I couldn’t help but smile, my face losing something of the shell-shocked expression it had probably been displaying since my flight from the Books and Branches Library. I lingered for a moment and waved a pleasant greeting, then continued my meandering through the park.
Passing through a small copse of trees, I realized my surroundings looked familiar. I was right back where I had started—the path had looped me right back to the park bench across from the park’s fountain. Either the park was smaller than it seemed, or I’d simply wandered off onto a scenic side trail. Hmph.
This time, instead of making a beeline for the park bench, I approached the fountain. Water sprayed into the air and splashed down a central pillar, collecting in the big, circular pool at the base. It wasn’t a particularly ornate fountain but then, it didn’t need to be.
Suddenly I felt almost homesick. The Delphi campus in Tacoma had a little place almost like this. When it came to mulling really big brain-busters, I’d always been a big fan of those Japanese-style gardens with the rocks and little streams, and this was the next best thing. I sat down on my haunches and peered into the pool, watching the way the light refracted and rippled across the gray pebbles lining the bottom.
The ghostly image of Lyra’s face peered back at me from the water’s surface, half-reflected in the bright sunlight and distorted by miniature waves in the fountain. I tried to grin. “Hey, Lyra…”
My distress showed in the watery carnival mirror, creasing Lyra’s light green features as she looked up at me with a smile that slowly faded as my mind kicked back into gear. All right. I could keep wallowing in pity—an attractive option, yes, but not too productive—or I could start planning for the immediate future. Crying into my beer hadn’t been a winning strategy in college, and I couldn’t imagine it working now. All right. Think, Lyle. Think.
The first thing I was going to do was patch things up with Bon Bon. It was that, or I was going to need to find myself somewhere else to live and some way to make the bits to eat anything other than the grass beneath my hooves. I didn’t intend to rely on the kindness of strangers for my entire time here, so the second thing to do would be to find a job. But how? I couldn’t imagine finding employment at some software giant here in Equestria on short notice. Did Equestria even have software companies? It made sense that they would, since they obviously knew what computers were, but maybe programmers here were all independents—pale, bleary-eyed ponies with ones and zeroes as their cutie marks and a complexions that suggested they should get some more sun.
Someone else was standing at the fountain. It took a moment for my senses to register her presence, but when I did, I looked up to see Bon Bon standing there with relief practically written across her face in big, neon letters. The cream-colored mare looked very much worse for wear from our turbulent morning. She took a few steps towards me, hesitated, and inched forward a few more before finally calling out a hesitant greeting. “Lyra! There you are… I thought I might find you here—”
“Hi. Still Lyle, sorry,” I reminded the hopeful mare with a sigh.
Bon Bon’s face fell. “Oh…”
The earth pony and I exchanged glances in the uncomfortable silence, each waiting for the other to make the next move. I tried to find the right words, difficult though it was. I’ve never really been much of a people person, let alone a pony person. After a pause we both began speaking at the same time.
I smiled awkwardly and started, “Bon Bon, I want to tell you—Oh. Sorry, you go first.”
“About earlier… I’m sorry, Lyle, for—Oh no go ahead.” The mare blushed, her ears drooping a bit as she nodded deferentially.
“Bon Bon,” I tried again, “I just wanted to apologize for this morning. It’s… upsetting when someone doesn’t believe you, you know? But that doesn’t excuse me shouting about it and running out of the library like that. I know you were just trying to help Lyra and, I guess, me. Please forgive me… Okay, go ahead.”
Rubbing one fetlock with her other hoof, Bon Bon looked down for a moment. Her eyes flicked nervously up to my face as she spoke, but kept returning to my hooves as though she was afraid to look me full in the eyes. “Of course I forgive you, Lyle. You really threw me this morning. It’s so—it’s hard to believe something as crazy as, well… But I… I think we got off on the wrong hoof today. I’m sorry, too.”
Trotting forward hesitantly, Bon Bon nuzzled my neck. Her wavy mane smelled faintly of cinnamon and cardamom. I stood stiffly for a moment, unsure of what to do. Finally I settled for sliding one foreleg over her shoulder and giving her a pat on the back that turned into a half hug. We stayed like that for a moment in silence before I pulled away, feeling faint heat rising to my cheeks. Lyra was one lucky mare.
“I know my story’s… weird. If one of my friends came up to me and told me he was really a pony from Equestria, I’d doubt his sanity, too. But this is serious. Even if you think Lyra just flipped her lid, try to understand—I’m living this. I think I’d know if I was out of my gourd. More than usual anyway, ha ha…” I grinned, but my attempt at humor fell flat. Way to ruin the moment there, Lyle. Apparently I had as much of a way with mares as I did with women.
Looking like she’d just eaten a lemon whole, Bon Bon nodded. “All right. I’ll accept for the sake of argument that Lyra hasn’t ‘just flipped her lid.’ What do we do, then? How do we get you back to... where was it again?”
“Tacoma. Washington. And thank you, Bon Bon. You have no idea how good it is knowing someone here is willing to give me a hand,” I sighed. “Er, I mean somepony. And hoof. I—argh! You know what I mean.”
My embarrassed scowl and drooping ears must have been hilarious—or perhaps with so much tension in the air, Bon Bon just needed something to laugh at. She giggled, covering her mouth demurely—scratch that, make that adorably—with one hoof.
I couldn’t help but join in with a chuckle of my own. In a moment we were both shaking with laughter. With a supreme effort I managed to get myself under control. “All right, all right. Like you would do any better in my world. Anyway, we’re not doing anyo—anypony much good just standing around here. Let’s go.”
“So where are we going? Do you have a plan?” Despite the questions, Bon Bon followed my lead as I trotted down the grassy trail weaving through the park.
With a nonchalant toss of my mane, I slowed my pace to keep the earth pony mare by my side. “I don’t know. But if I know one thing, it’s that I think best on my hooves, and when talking to somepony. And remember, I’m new here. As long as I’m going to be seeing the sights, I might as well do so in the company of a beautiful mare, right?”
“I… suppose,” Bon Bon allowed reluctantly… but I caught a faint smile at the compliment. Well, good job, Lyle. Perhaps you aren’t as bad at all this as you thought.
Cresting a small hill, we looked out over a wide clearing. Down the slope was a large wooden stage. The affair looked ready for something like the municipal concerts that spring up every summer like clockwork in western Washington. I smiled a bit, thinking of home.
Seeing the stage also sparked a memory of something almost forgotten in the strangeness of my morning—wasn’t today’s My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic episode supposed to be about some kind of musical event? I paused mid-step and turned to Bon Bon, phrasing my question carefully. No reason to harsh the newly restored mellow by bringing up television shows. “…So, Bon Bon. Ponyville’s having some sort of… autumn music thing, I guess?”
“You remembered th—? Oh. The stage.” Bon Bon waved me over to a colorful poster pasted to a nearby tree. As I advanced to read it, she filled in some of the details. “The Running of the Leaves has always been a big thing here, of course. A lot of ponies come to run in the race. More come to watch. Even ponies from out of town come to join in the fun since this is one of the last places that hasn’t contracted out unicorns for season-changing work. Plus, word got around last year about some of the more… enthusiastic racers.”
I snickered, knowing just what Bon Bon meant. “You mean all that craziness that Applejack and Rainbow Dash got into, right? Yeah, that was pretty funny.”
“Uh, yes. Um…” Bon Bon faltered for a moment, giving me an odd look. Whoops, there I went with inappropriate knowledge of events again. Thankfully, the mare quickly recovered her train of thought with, “…And that’s a lot of ponies coming to town with all those lovely unspent bits. Everypony usually gets a pretty good few days out of the deal, but then it ends. This year the Ponyville Chamber of Commerce said, ‘why stop with the race?’ We’re putting on the first annual Running of the Leaves Concert.”
Thankfully, whatever quirk of nature or magic was letting me understand Equestrian speech also let me read the language. I skimmed the poster, listening with half an ear as Bon Bon continued to discuss the whys and wherefores of the Ponyville business community. It was all a bit over my head—software programming isn’t your average nine to five corporate drone job, but I wasn’t an entrepreneur by any stretch of the imagination.
Besides I had other things on my mind as I noticed a name in smaller font underneath the large, prominent names of the headlining band. I might not have even picked up on it if I hadn’t been hearing the name so much today. As it was, I read the line aloud with a groan. “‘Featuring special guest, Ponyville’s own Lyra Heartstrings.’ Oh, for the love of Pete…”
“So I thought th—What’s wrong, Lyle?” Bon Bon halted mid-word as she noticed me rubbing my forehead in exasperation. I felt a headache coming on.
Time limits have never really been my thing. I’d been doing well enough in Equestria so far all things considered, but according to the cheery poster on the tree, I’d been operating under the worst kind of deadline… the kind that pops up as a last minute surprise. I groaned again. “Lyra’s supposed to perform in this concert, isn’t she… When is this thing, Monday afternoon? Oh man, we’re so screwed… That’s only two days away!”
“Yes, I know... I never should have put y—I never should have put Lyra up to it,” whispered Bon Bon.
Remember what I said about being bad around women? Blinking, all I could muster in response was, “Come again?”
“I was the one who convinced Lyra to put her name in the running, and then I managed to swing enough votes to get her almost top billing… She’s never played for more than thirty ponies at a time in her entire life!” Bon Bon sniffled, wiping her muzzle with one hoof.
“Oh, no. Don’t—don’t cry, Bon Bon. I bet Lyra was ecstatic to get the chance! Uh…” Faltering a bit, I tried to figure out where to take this. It wasn’t like I’d been reading Lyra’s diary or something, but the quietly sobbing earth pony didn’t need to hear me announce my complete ignorance of the situation.
Uncomforted, Bon Bon continued to drain the cup of sorrow to its bitter dregs. “D-do you think she left because of this?”
“Bon Bon! This isn’t getting us anywhere. Lyra would need you to be strong right now. I assume. Here’s what we’ll do. Twilight’s still the best bet, right? Unless there are any super-powerful unicorn ponies in Ponyville who I don’t know about...” I paused hopefully, waiting to be proven wrong. In violation of the narrative nature of causality, no correction was forthcoming. Bon Bon simply shook her head, wiping some tears from her eyes. Drat, so much for that idea.
I sighed, staring back at the fountain as I mulled over the problem once again. If only there was some way to… Hah! That might work. If there was one thing Twilight Sparkle was a big fan of other than checklists, it was logic and things that made sense. She’d even approached curing ‘crazy Lyra’ by trying to logic the poor little unicorn sane. It might have worked, too, if not for the fact that Lyra wasn’t there and I, Lyle, wasn’t crazy. I hoped. I had a momentary flash of me sitting in a padded room, mumbling about ponies. Oooch. Hopefully that wasn’t what had actually happened to me here.
Putting aside thoughts of straight jackets and friendly men and women in clean white coats, I reviewed what Twilight had been arguing an hour or two before. Hmmm… Aha, that did it. ‘Do you even know how to program?’ Why yes, Twilight. What programming language would you like me to use? And failing that, there was always… the nuclear option. Hopefully it wouldn’t come to that.
I looked back up at the earth pony mare. “I think I have it, Bon Bon. Back to Twilight’s we go. I know how we can get her to help us.”
“Really? How?” Bon Bon asked hopefully.
“You leave the details to me,” I replied with a confident grin. “I’ll show her with things only I could possibly know. I have a proof that can’t fail! I just need you to back me up on this.”
Bon Bon bit her lip and gazed fully into my eyes for the first time since we’d started the conversation. I winked at her, and her face broke into a gentle smile. She nodded. “Well, all right… I can do that.”
“Awesome. All right, come with me…” I turned to go. Bon Bon’s cough brought me up short. I glanced back in askance at the cream-colored mare.
“On one condition, Lyle. You need to apologize to Twilight Sparkle.” Bon Bon’s face still held its friendly expression, but there was just the hint of a stern look in her eye. Her tone of voice reminded me a bit of some of the nicer—but firmer—school teachers I’d had back when I was young.
I hesitated. I’d apologized to Bon Bon easily enough, but she was Bon Bon. Somehow that had made it easier for me. Twilight, I was still a bit mad at. Where did Little Miss ‘Tardy’ get off calling me insane? “Wha—but I… Hey, she’s the one who called me crazy, not the other way around! Why would I be the one saying—”
Twilight Sparkle looked up from a book on applied something-or-other. The little librarian glasses were still perched on her nose but that didn’t me any less irritated with her as she adjusted the spectacles and blinked in surprise. “Wha—Oh! Bon Bon! Lyra! You’re back!”
“Yes. Thank you for seeing us again, Twilight Sparkle,” Bon Bon said warmly.
The earth pony turned back to me and prompted, “Now, Lyle, I don’t think she heard you.”
I sighed. Now I knew Bon Bon and Lyra were an item; she certainly seemed comfortable enough nagging me and I was just borrowing Lyra’s body. I grudgingly restarted my apology. “Twilight Sparkle. Hey. Uh… First off, I’m sorry about earlier. You were trying to help—even if you were wrong I might add—and I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”
I glanced over to Bon Bon. There. Happy? She nodded in satisfaction at my unvoiced question. All right. With that, I could count on the earth pony’s support for what came next… however successful it might or might not be.
To my surprise, Bon Bon started to speak before I could say anything. “And I’m sorry too, Twilight. I was upset, but there was no call for saying… the things I said.”
“Apology accepted. For both of you. And I probably could have handled the situation better, too,” Twilight replied, glancing back and forth between Bon Bon and me. For my part, I was simply staring at Bon Bon. Really? She’d yelled at Twilight Sparkle, too? For me?
Bon Bon nodded and continued, “Oh and that’s still Lyle, actually. I’ve talked with him. I know Lyra better than anypony else, so I think I’m in a position to say. But I think Lyle really wants to help us with this.”
“Um, oh…kay?” Sitting down with a thump, Twilight looked back and forth between us—first at Bon Bon, then at me. Then back to Bon Bon. Her eye twitched a bit.
“I’ll do what I need to so I can prove I’m the real deal, Twilight,” I offered, “but we’ve got a time limit here. Lyra’s supposed to perform in the—urk!”
Twilight Sparkle could have been a recolored Rainbow Dash, so quickly did she move. A purple haze dropped over the world as her magic wrapped me in an intangible yet unbreakable grip. I struggled as best I could, pushing out with hooves and magic alike, but all I was left with were sore legs and a concentration-destroying tingling sensation on my horn. I was trapped.
Bon Bon, on the other hand, the unicorn simply grabbed and tugged to the far side of the room. Dragging the cream-colored mare’s head down to her muzzle, Twilight whispered urgently. I strained to listen, pushing against the amethyst bubble of force. “Are… serious?! …try… sure to work… You can’t… Ridiculous!”
Looking back at me, Bon Bon raised her voice so I could still hear her side of the conversation. “We don’t want you to do any of that, Twilight. And yes, I am serious. Just let him prove himself. Help us. Please.”
Abruptly I was back on my hooves and trying to shake an annoying prickling sensation out of my head where my skull met my horn. “I know just how to do it, too. You suggested it yourself! Can Lyra program? I bet she can’t. Get me a computer and I’ll show you why they call me Lyle ‘The Code God’ Hartman.”
Confession time: No, nobody actually called me that. It was just me. Sorry.
I sat proudly, grinning at both mares. Hah! Trying to type with hooves or magic was going to be a pain, but I figured I could at least manage a quick ‘Hello World’ even if I had to type holding a pencil in my mouth to hit the right keys. It would work. …So why was even Bon Bon looking faintly puzzled? I’d glossed over this part of the plan when we discussed it, but…
“Lyra. Lyle. Whatever you’re going to call yourself… You can’t possibly know how to program a computer,” retorted Twilight.
I bristled. This wasn’t the inquisitive mare I’d enjoyed watching on episode after episode. “Look, if you’re not going to—”
“There’s no such thing as a computer! They made it up for the show! Honestly, a thinking machine using lightning and wires embedded on some kind of rock? Horsefeathers,” the lavender mare scoffed.
Horsefeathers was right, if not in the direction Twilight was thinking. I jeered right back. “Oh, now I know that’s ridiculous. How can you have color televisions and not have computers and integrated circuits?!”
“The same way we have everything else! With magic!” Twilight practically shouted, waving her front hooves wide to encompass the entire world.
…Oh. That… actually made a strange sort of sense. I struggled to regain my rhetorical footing. “But… the hydroelectric dam outside Ponyville…”
“The hydrothaumic dam, you mean? The one that generates every kilofizz of magical power Ponyville uses?” Twilight crossed her forelegs confidently, ready to play skeet with the next rhetorical clay pigeon I tossed her.
Well, this was going well. Bon Bon’s earlier calm confidence was evaporating quickly as she trotted over to me. “I thought you said you had proof that couldn’t fail!”
“I did… I thought I did, anyway,” I sighed. That just left one bolt in my quiver: My Little Pony. Here went nothing.
I turned to Twilight Sparkle. “All right, then. Answer me this, Twilight. Does the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic appear anywhere in this so-called My Little Person show you think Lyra is using as the basis for her delusions?”
“No, no such thing,” the unicorn answered without thinking about it. Blushing slightly Twilight hastened to add, “That is, Spike’s never talked about it. So I don’t think there is…”
“Okay, good. Well, the show exists in my world. I watch it, as do a lot of other people. It’s pretty good. It follows the adventures of Twilight Sparkle and her friends as they learn about the magic of friendship. Which I always thought was kind of a silly name, but hey what can you do? Show for little girls,” I commented ruefully.
This would work. It had to work. At least, I couldn’t imagine any way not to be convincing after revealing that I knew all about Twilight and her friends’ most personal moments… “I’ve been watching the show for a while now, so I can probably tell you about some parts of your life that nopony here would have heard about. Let’s see if any of these are ring a bell…”
Fingers would really have been useful as I started listing off facts. Unfortunately, I had to make due without as I said, “One. Back at Froggy Bottom Bog when you were charging that hydra, you asked yourself something: you said, ‘What would a brave pony like Rainbow Dash do?’ Nobody was around to hear you—I doubt your friends would have heard you over the hydra—but yet, I know what you said to yourself. How could I know that unless I’d seen it? For instance, on a television program about six ponies and their adventures in the magical land of Equestria?”
Twilight blinked. Eyes narrowing a bit, the unicorn pursed her lips slightly. She seemed to be trying to recall something. Taking that as a good sign, I continued with my next point. “But that one might be a little easy and it was a while ago, so let’s try this: two. You remember Pinkie Pie’s surprise birthday party? The one where she thought all of you didn’t want to be her friends any more because you wouldn’t come to her latest party for Gummy? When Rainbow Dash went to get her, Pinkie was in her room with several imaginary friends. There was… Let’s see… Mr. Turnip, Rocky, Madame LeFlour, and… oh right. Sir Lints-a-Lot. Rainbow was pretty much forced to drag Pinkie Pie to Applejack’s barn for the actual party. I don’t know if Rainbow ever told you about that. You might have to check with her for the details.”
Once again, the librarian seemed to be considering my words carefully. Bon Bon was glancing back and forth between Twilight and me in puzzled amazement. I smiled at her and turned back to Twilight to go in for the kill. “Three. You’ll like this one. ‘If I can’t find a friendship problem, I’ll make a friendship problem!’ You said that while alone in your room here in the library. Then you took your old Smartie Pants doll out of a chest ended up making half of Ponyville practically tear each other apart over it. Sound familiar? Nopony was in the room with you at the time, so how could I know what you said? I have more, but let’s stick with these for the time being.”
My heart was pounding in my chest. I felt like I had just run a marathon, but I had done it. My knowledge of the series wasn’t encyclopedic by any means, but hopefully I had picked well for examples of my apparent omniscience. The ball was in Twilight’s court now, so I sat back on my haunches and waited. For added effect, I reared up and crossed what should have been my arms. So there, Ms. Sparkle. Over to you.
Twilight opened her mouth. She closed it again. I started to grin. Finally, she nodded. “Those are some… very specific examples you have there. Now, where did I put that book… Aha.”
My brow furrowed as I watched Twilight turn away and grab a book off the shelf. It was thick and seemed relatively new, its firm and unmarked binding in stark contrast to the more aged tomes that surrounded it. She opened it and leafed through a few pages. The book floated up to my eyes. “Here, Lyle. Take a look at this.”
Nervously, I took the book from Twilight and began to read. Oh. I flipped ahead a few chapters and scanned the pages again. There it was. I flipped ahead, further this time. I reached the end of the book and looked up hopefully. “All right, Twilight. For whatever reason, the first two are in here. Where’s the third example, though? Sure, you’ve got… okay, before I ask that, why exactly do you have novelized versions of your own episodes?”
“It was the Princess’ idea, actually. After that business with Discord, she suggested that I make a book from a selection of my reports to her, ‘For the education of the young and the edification of the old.’ Every library in Equestria has a copy now,” Twilight said. Her tone was light and cheerful as she closed the cover on Friendship Reports: The Selected Wit and Wisdom of the Elements of Harmony, Volume One.
With my heart plummeting like a rock, I started grasping at straws. How was this even possible?! I knew from the show that Twilight was an organized, prepared pony, but… “Wait. What about the third example? This only has up through the Grand Galloping Gala. What about the rest? There’s no Lesson Zero, no Sweet and Elite…”
A three-ringed binder joined Friendship Reports, wreathed in Twilight’s glowing magical grasp. The purple unicorn nodded encouragingly when I hesitated to open it. Sighing, I flipped through the pages as Twilight explained, “It’s actually still a work in progress… I keep it here in the library so anypony can read it during the day. It’s like free proofreading!”
I stared at the loathsome words on the page. Unlike the previous book it was obviously just a draft. There were scribbled notes, suggestions on spelling and grammar and the like, but there it was: every episode of the show that I had seen for season two. I had nothing left.
Nevertheless, I tried again. “But… Everything I remember… Delphi Software… My friends… Washington State! America! All that history and everything that I learned in school! How could Lyra just come up with that?”
“From what I’ve read, a lot of delusions are very self-consistent… Ponies can be very creative when they want to be,” Twilight commented.
It’s an awful thing to look down and realize that you’re walking on thin air… more so when someone comes up and tells you that the foundations of your world are figments of your own imagination. I was lucky I was already sitting, since that prevented me from hurting myself as my legs went weak under me. I dropped back down to my forehooves and slid slowly to the floor.
Bon Bon was at my side in an instant. I barely noticed her. “Lyle! Lyle, are you all right?”
“Don’t encourage her, Bon Bon. I think I almost have this. I knew reviewing that last diagnostic psychiatry textbook would help!” Twilight clapped her front hooves together gleefully.
Not only had I failed to convince Twilight of my humanity… now she was getting me to doubt my own sanity. I stared down at my hooves through a blurry veil of tears. As far as I could tell in my numbed state, I was out of options. Even if I coded a program by hand for Twilight on paper, what would she do with it? There wouldn’t be a computer to run the program. What if I gave her every bit of world history I could remember? Like the librarian had said—delusional ponies can be very creative. Was I just deluding myself, after all?
Bon Bon stepped forward, placing herself between Twilight Sparkle and me. I looked up, started by the sharpness in her voice as she cried, “Twilight Sparkle! Stop that.”
“But… I’m trying to help you two, Bon Bon,” Twilight protested.
The earth pony’s blue locks bounced as she shook her head indignantly. “I didn’t want this. You’re torturing this poor… man.”
“…Tell me you don’t actually believe her, now,” Twilight groaned. “I thought you were just humoring her! This is becoming an epidemic! Should I call Nurse Redheart for you two?”
“Twilight, isn’t there some… Isn’t there some spell you haven’t tried that could tell us if there is actually another mind in Lyra’s body? I mean…” Bon Bon’s voice trailed off into inaudibility as she moved closer to Twilight, dragging the purple unicorn across the room. I kept my head between my hooves and concentrated on staying very still. Wave after wave of nausea washed over me as I tried not to contemplate the idea that I might not even exist.
Finally, a warm touch at my shoulder made me pull away from the roiling sea of confusion inside my mind. I glanced up to see Bon Bon’s round, worried face. Hovering to one side like a darker, unhappy shadow was Twilight. I decided right there and then—sorry, Twilight Sparkle, you’re no longer Best Pony. You’ve been replaced. The new Best Pony leaned down and helped me to my hooves. “Come on, Lyle. Twilight’s agreed to try a spell she didn’t think of before.”
“Thanks, Bon Bon,” I murmured. I felt drained, but managed to get my legs under me and rose.
Motioning me over to an open area to one side of the library, Twilight was curt and to the point. “We’re going to try a deep aura scanning spell. Please stand right there and don’t move.”
“Sure.” My voice was a near monotone. I watched dully as the unicorn trotted a small distance away and turned to face me. Ordinarily I would have watched with interest as Twilight’s horn flared and her body crackled in a nimbus of brilliant power, but I found my eyes drifting to the right—to the form of the cream-colored mare who stood watching me with a determined glint in her sapphire eyes.
A strange energy crackled across my skin, making each strand of my mane and fur rise to stand straight out from its follicle. I shivered as unseen forces brushed over me, poking and prodding far deeper into me than a mere touch could have managed. I felt a buzzing headache building in my brain, a bit above my eyes—right under the horn, I guessed. I winced as the migraine began to strengthen, going from an annoying tingle to a throbbing jackhammer. I began to sway—and the spell cut off.
Bon Bon was already rushing forward. Twilight shook her head as though to clear it and stopped, wincing. The lavender mare sighed. “Well, that could have gone better. Ooof.”
“What happened?!” Bon Bon demanded. She felt soft and warm to my touch, yet stood firm as I sagged gratefully against her. My breath came in ragged gasps and my head still throbbed. I could barely hear Twilight’s voice as she answered Bon Bon’s—and though I hadn’t asked it, my—question.
“It’s… egh. It’s Lyra’s—and yes I do mean Lyra’s—magic. Lyle’s not really controlling it, so it’s interacting with my spell and making it hard for me to see the aura properly without risking… complications.” Twilight Sparkle trailed off for a minute and rubbed her forehead with one exhausted hoof. If I looked half as bad as she did right then, I would have been amazed still to be upright.
When Twilight felt herself able to speak again, she continued. “Lyle, you need to train yourself to control Lyra’s magic. If I can finish this spell, I think I might have an answer for you. If I can’t, well…”
“So what should I do?” I asked. My voice rasped a bit in my throat. I was glad of the sturdy support of Bon Bon’s pale-furred side and wondered vaguely how Twilight was remaining upright on her own.
“I think I know,” interjected Bon Bon. “It’s perfect, in fact.”
“Come on, Lyle,” Bon Bon urged. Together, she and I started towards the door. Thankfully I had recovered some of my strength and was moving under my own power… although I was almost certain that had I fallen, Bon Bon would have simply picked me up and continued on. It may have gotten downplayed somewhat in the show, but the strength of the earth ponies truly was amazing.
Before we exited the library, Bon Bon turned back and favored Twilight Sparkle with a smile. “Twilight? Thank you. We’ll be back. Tomorrow afternoon, do you think?”
Twilight groaned. “Make it Monday morning, please. I don’t think I’ll be able to manage before then. Sorry.”
“Monday it is. Thank you.” Bon Bon nodded and tugged me out the door.
I winced a bit at the thought of dropping Lyra back in Equestria the morning before her performance. “Bon Bon… isn’t that cutting it a little fine?”
“I think Lyra can do it… and besides, her body will be getting plenty of practice before then.” Bon Bon smiled hopefully at me.
“Explain, please,” I sighed. “I’m a little frazzled right now from having Twilight tell me I don’t exist and then zapping me with whatever that was.”
Bon Bon pointed to the golden cutie mark on my flank. “Lyra’s body, Lyra’s magic… Her talent is music, Lyle. And you’re going to control it the way she does.”
…Huh. I couldn’t argue with that. There was one big problem, however. “But I don’t know anything about playing the lyre, Bon Bon!”
“Then learn.” Bon Bon’s voice had that faint schoolteacher vibe again. I swallowed.
The two of us walked on in silence for a few moments. Sighing, I agreed, “All right. I’ll try. But Bon Bon, a question…”
“Hmmm?” The blue-maned mare glanced sideways at me.
“Why did you support me back there? Why did you say you believed me? You stood up to Twilight when I had nothing to go on. She absolutely wrecked me in there, but you held your ground. Why..?” I trailed off, unsure of how to phrase all the things I needed to ask.
“Because I promised you that I would. Come on, it’s time for dinner. Let’s go home.” Turning away, Bon Bon trotted down the street.
I thought of my time at the park, when I’d spent the time staring despairingly off into space. ‘There comes a time in a man’s life when he has no one else to turn to—when his problems seem insurmountable and help is nowhere to be found.’ Maybe. But it seemed that for me, today was not that day. With my spirits rising, I followed Bon Bon back to the house.
“So, this is where the magic happens,” I said, looking around distractedly. I took a few hesitant steps through the door, glancing from pile to pile of the heaped up detritus that littered Lyra’s practice room. Near a window, a somewhat uncomfortable-looking swivel chair faced towards what was probably a second- or third-hand folding music stand. Shelves ringing the room’s walls were loaded with all manner of things—replacement strings and other parts for the lyre, various musical books, and the like—giving the whole place a very… lived-in look, to put it delicately.
Practically hovering over my shoulder, Bon Bon once again played the concerned hostess. “Will you find everything all right? Do you need any help?
Why was Bon Bon showing me around my own house? Well. As it turns out, she’d been completely right about one thing for certain: this house wasn’t mine. It had quickly become clear to me upon returning from Twilight’s library that Bon Bon’s and Lyra’s house was not in fact my home, teleported somehow from Tacoma to Ponyville.
In my defense the earlier misidentification was an easy mistake for me to make—the resemblance to my place was uncanny. The layout and even a lot of the décor was the same, although pony-sized. Well, at least that explained how Bon Bon had so easily reached the counter while making breakfast earlier in the day…
“I should be fine. Yeesh, Lyra’s a bit messy, isn’t she?” I commented, starting towards the swivel chair. I winced as an incautious step sent a pile of boxed sheet music toppling over onto the floor.
“A bit,” allowed Bon Bon with a voice so deadpan that I had to do a double take just to see the twinkle of amusement in her eyes.
“Well, then I’ll definitely be fine; Lyra and I have so much in common,” I joked. “All right, Bon Bon. Thanks again… I think I can find my way around in here.”
As the earth pony nodded and hesitantly left me to my own devices, I settled into the creaky chair. To be honest, even Lyra’s practice room did have a vague sense of familiarity about it in one respect at least. Bon Bon’s influences were pretty clear through most of the house in the general lack of dirty laundry, empty pizza boxes, and the other debris that are the mark a bachelor’s natural habitat. Here, however, Lyra’s disorganized—or as I like to say, ‘differently organized’—piles of junk made sitting in the practice room almost like being back in my home office. The difference was more in the composition of the mess than in the level of cleanliness.
I rotated a half turn in the chair and contemplated the contents of the desk that was now before me. In contrast to the rest of the room, the surface of the desk was relatively free from clutter. It was easy to figure out why—this is where the musician kept her instrument. Despite the piled up papers elsewhere both in my cubicle and my home office, I always kept the area directly around my computer clean and neat. To do otherwise was to disrespect the tools of my trade and risk faults or malfunctions. I smiled. Lyra and I really were kindred spirits. Perhaps that was why we had switched places, or whatever it was that had happened.
The clasps of the lyre’s case clicked open under the careful touch of my hooves. I lifted the dark wood of the lid to reveal a small brass instrument much like the ones on Lyra’s—and currently my—flanks. Light shone dully off the surface of the lyre in its bed of black silk. I lifted it out slowly with my telekinetic grasp, listening to the strings sing a bit as the instrument vibrated at my magic’s touch.
I looked at the lyre, biting my lip as I thought about how to play it. I had taken up the guitar for a bit in college, but I had only learned enough to get by. And by “by” I mean “some,” heh heh. Well, it was college, after all, and some girls found it amazingly romantic for a suitor to play her favorite songs for her. Sure, it hadn’t actually worked that often, but… Eh. Regardless, that was a long time ago. Oh, and it had been a different instrument. And I’d been sporting hands at the end of my arms instead of hooves at the end of my forelegs.
Well, it wasn’t like I had to be any good, right? All I had to do was burn Lyra’s magic a bit trying to play the stupid instrument. As long as I figured out my way around Lyra’s special talent, I would be home free. Twilight would be able to do the aura scan properly, see that I was me, and presumably send me home... I was a bit foggy on how finding out, ‘oh gee Lyle, you were right and I was wrong’ was going to help Twilight solve Lyra’s and my little problem, but I wasn’t the magical expert, here.
Here went nothing. Cradling the lyre carefully against my body with one hoof, I started to reach for the strings with the other. I paused as a thought occurred to me. Wait. Lyra was a unicorn. What seemed natural to me—using my ex-hands to pluck the strings—probably wasn’t ‘right’ for her. Not to mention, doing it all ‘by hoof’ wasn’t exactly going to give me much experience with the mare’s magical powers, and that was the whole point of all this. I would be wasting my time. All right then, how would a unicorn do it..?
Obviously, I should be doing all of this with my magic. It stood to reason… but I wasn’t ready for that just yet. I mentally cringed at the thought of an irate Lyra cursing me across time and space for dropping her lyre when my magic flickered out in a moment of inattention. All right, a hybrid method then.
I wedged the lyre between my hooves and stared at it, trying to will my horn into life. Slowly at first, a green haze formed over the lyre. The instrument thrummed, every string singing its own distinct note. I grinned. Yeah. It was working!
The strings made an unpleasant sproingk noise as an incautious shift of my magical field brushed against the taut strings somewhat harder than was necessary. Whoops. I tried again. This time I lasted a little longer before my fumbling jerked at the strings again and the lyre complained with a dissonant, fading chord. I winced. Suddenly I was thankful that Bon Bon had gone about whatever other business she had. I was glad nobody had heard all that.
Instead of trying to pluck all the strings, should I just try for one? I looked at the lyre, focusing on a single thin strand. The glowing magical nimbus reached out from my slightly lowered horn. Carefully… carefully… Sproingk. Ugh…
Clearly I was going about this the wrong way. Well, when in doubt, read the manual, right? Surely Lyra still had some sort of book like Lyre Playing for Dummies or Baby’s First Lyre that I could use. Carefully setting the instrument back in its protective case, I started rifling through some of the various books that littered the room.
Much to my surprise, my search bore fruit after only a few minutes. Partway through the second pile I checked was Classical Lyre for Beginners by a Dr. Major Chord. The colorful cover proclaimed that the book ‘Makes it easy and fun to learn the lyre for unicorns, young and old alike!’
That certainly sounded like what I was looking for, although I had to wonder what a presumed expert like Lyra was doing with it. Never too good to go back and review the basics, I supposed. I could see dog-eared pages marking a few spots despite the relatively short length of the paperback.
Dr. Chord seemed to have his head on straight. There were even diagrams on how to hold the instrument correctly for younger ponies without enough skill to hold the lyre with magic and play it at the same time... like me, heh. But as I looked through the book, I came to the concerning realization that I was doing it essentially right. Sure, the finer points of my technique could use some work, but as far as the basics went, I was all right in Dr. Chord’s book…’s book. Great.
Oh well, that just meant I had nowhere to go but up, right? I could do this. I had to do this, if I ever wanted to see my home again. Or, for that matter, I had to do this if I wanted to avoid spending the rest of my life feeling horribly guilty for waltzing around in a body I’d inadvertently stolen from a little green unicorn mare.
I placed Classical Lyre for Beginners on the music stand and flipped the pages until I came to the discussion of elementary scales. All right. Time to start with something nice and simple, like a C scale…
* * *
The strings of the lyre sang slightly off-key. It was almost as though the instrument, tired from several hours of abuse under my fumbling and misguided magical touch, was groaning for relief. Grunting in frustration, I shut the instruction book. If the instrument could do with a break, so could I. I twirled the swivel chair to face the desk and slid the lyre back into its case.
Once that was done, I gently lowered my head until it was resting on both forehooves, closed my eyes, and let out something I’d been holding in for at least the past half hour and possibly most of the day. “Ffffffffffffuuuuuuuuu—”
“Lyle? Are you hungry? Dinner’s ready,” called Bon Bon’s voice. Behind me, I heard a rustle of papers as the earth pony mare pushed open the practice room’s door.
Jerking in surprise, I quickly amended my drawn-out exclamation. “—uuuudge! Uh, hi there.”
“…Fudge?” Bon Bon raised an eyebrow.
I would have whistled innocently if I’d thought it would get me anything besides more puzzled looks. “Nothing. But sure, Bon Bon. Thank you. I could do with a break right now.”
My mouth started to water as the heavenly smell of dinner wafted down the hall and into the practice room in Bon Bon’s wake. I wasted no time in following the cream-colored pony back to the kitchen. Sliding into my chair, I started tucking in as soon as it was polite to do so. For a few moments, only the quiet clinking of my floating fork to the plate was audible at the dinner table.
Bon Bon took a delicate bite from her plate, chewed, and swallowed. I smiled at her. She smiled back. Then the blue-maned mare cleared her throat and said, “I’m trying out a new recipe for sautéed bell peppers. What do you think?”
“Mmtph dlmmpsh!” I exclaimed. Whoops. I swallowed and tried again. “It’s delicious!”
I’d seen the look on her face before. Not on her face, mind you, but the look is always the same. Alarm bells should have been going off in my head, but I was too busy stuffing food into my muzzle to notice Bon Bon lead closer to her target with the next question. “Are you settling in all right?”
“Of course, Bon Bon,” I assured her. “You’ve been an amazing host, especially after all I’ve been putting you through. What about you? How were your errands?”
My efforts at polite conversation only drew me deeper into Bon Bon’s trap. She set the hook with, “Oh, they went all right. I just got back a little while ago. You’ve been so quiet in the practice room, I wasn’t even sure you were still here when I got back. How is it going?”
The fork froze halfway to my mouth. A bit of red bell pepper dropped back onto the plate with a plop as I tried to give Bon Bon a confident smile. “Oh! Fine… ha ha… Had a few snags earlier. I think I’m doing better, but after this I should probably get right back on the hors—er, should get back to practicing, though.”
“Oh… That’s no good…” Bon Bon murmured, pursing her mouth in a slight frown.
Well, what was I supposed to say to the mare? I was trying my best, but now I just had whatever was left of tonight and all of Sunday to get myself in gear. My ticket home—and as far as I could gather, Lyra’s ticket to bigger and better things in the music business in Equestria—was riding on me being able to perform at a level that was, frankly, probably beyond me. There was no getting around it. I’d hoped that some sort of muscle memory in my borrowed body would have made my work easier, but apparently there was no such thing as magical muscle memory.
Eager to avoid Bon Bon’s searching gaze, I looked down at my plate and toyed a bit with one of the smaller slices of bell pepper. How had the earth pony managed to slice them so thin, holding the knife between her teeth? I could ask, but that would require me to make eye contact and to say something to her, and then she might ask me something like…
“Lyle, are things really going okay? You seem worried,” murmured Bon Bon. Yeah, something like that.
“What? Of course! I’m fine. I just… I just…” I sighed. With the way Bon Bon was looking at me, I knew I might as well bow to the inevitable and tell her now. “I just don’t think I’m doing very well. Lyra’s been playing the lyre for who knows how long, and here I am trying to pick it up in a little over a day. I’m doing all right I guess, but…”
Chewing one last bite of food, Bon Bon nodded. She swallowed thoughtfully and said, “You can’t even manage a scale, can you?”
“…No,” I admitted. How the heck did Bon Bon do it?! Did I have some kind of neon sign on my forehead that broadcast my thoughts? I crossed my eyes, looking up in annoyance at my horn in case there were little minty green letters sparkling in front of it. Nope, nothing was there. The cream-colored mare was just that good.
Plates clinked as Bon Bon began to clear the table. “Here, Lyle. Let’s get the dishes done, and then I’ll see if I can help you with your music. Come on.”
I dithered for a moment. What exactly could an earth pony teach a unicorn—even a temporary one like myself—about magic? A brief flash of pride almost made me laugh off the idea… but I had to be realistic (in a cartoon world with talking animals and crazy magic. Yes, I know how silly that sounds). I sure as heck wasn’t getting anywhere on my own, so what could it hurt? Nodding, I shoveled the last of dinner into my mouth and helped Bon Bon clear the table and clean up from the meal.
With both Bon Bon and me working on the chore, the dishes were soon dripping dry on the rack and we were once again back in Lyra’s practice room. After seeing far too much of it over the past few hours, I was beginning to hate the sight of it. Fortunately, dinner had been enough of a break to make the room at least tolerable despite raw, fresh memories of horrible-sounding music and hours of frustration.
Bon Bon sat down next to a more-stable-than-average stack of clutter and smiled encouragingly to me. “All right, Lyle. Go ahead.”
I’ve never enjoyed having too large of an audience watching me work—‘too large’ being defined as ‘a number of watchers greater than zero.’ A programmer doesn’t usually attract adoring fans to cheer him on while he codes, and it always felt as though anyone watching was silently judging me. But…
I wanted to get home and to fix things for Lyra and Bon Bon, right? If that was true—and it was—then this was something that I had to do whether I enjoyed it or not. Plus, Bon Bon was planted there in the room, quite obviously ready for the long haul, so she wasn’t really giving me much of a choice. I flipped open Classical Lyre for Beginners and turned to a page of scales. Taking a deep breath, I let it out slowly. All right. I could do this.
The lyre felt like it was almost ready to leap out of my hooves. I held onto it as best I could. Narrowing my eyes as I concentrated, I felt my magical powers wrap around the strings and—sproingk.
Bon Bon winced at the discordant sound. I tried to ignore my poor start and keep going, but each note was as awful as the last. Finally I slowed to a stop halfway through the scale, ears drooping and heat rising to my cheeks.
“Wow,” said Bon Bon, her tone almost as flat as my lyre’s.
“Yeah,” I agreed, somehow managing to meet the earth pony’s gaze. Amazingly, she didn’t seem hurt or disappointed. In fact, it seemed almost like Bon Bon was barely suppressing a laugh.
In a moment, Bon Bon wasn’t holding back her mirth any more. She giggled into one hoof and said, “Where did you learn to hold the lyre like that?!”
“Like this? It was in the book. That’s how it says to do it,” I replied, feeling a bit defensive. What, was I wrong? Did Lyra just keep incorrectly written instructional books around as a trap for anyone who wanted to sneak into her practice room and play her lyre when she wasn’t looking?
Bon Bon approached and grabbed my one of my forehooves with both of hers. I gulped as the lyre dropped from my grasp, snagging the instrument with a hasty telekinetic nimbus before it could before it could tumble off my lap. The earth pony nodded in satisfaction at that and adjusted my other hoof so that both were poised over the strings. This done, she returned to her seat on the floor and said, “There. That’s how Lyra always holds it. Try it like that.”
I looked down at the lyre, held aloft as it was in the glowing green field. My hooves hovered over the strings, ready to pluck them and bring the instrument to life. It felt natural. How…? I gave my question voice in the form of a rather whiny protest. “But this is basically how I was going to do it to begin with, and Dr. Chord’s book said it was wrong!”
“Lyra’s always had her own way of doing things,” Bon Bon replied with a shrug and a slight smile.
“All right.” Biting my lip a bit in concentration, I reached out with both hooves and plucked the first string. The note rang out strong and clear. I blinked in surprise and continued with the next. And the next. And the next… This was going unexpectedly well.
While I didn’t know anything about the lyre, I did have at least some awareness of playing stringed instruments. It was impossible that something as clumsy as a set of hooves could be plucking the strings properly. How the heck was I doing this?
I was half afraid to look down, but when I did I almost laughed aloud. There, glowing at the ends of my hooves, were faint outlines of magical force just like the field keeping the lyre positioned in what passed for my lap. Thin tendrils reached out from the clouds enveloping my hooves, responding to my commands almost like the fingers I’d worried were lost to me for good.
By the time I’d finished the second octave, I was practically bouncing in my seat with excitement. Bon Bon was somewhat more subdued and simply gave me an approving nod. “There, see how much better that was?”
I beamed and flipped the page. Time flowed like water as I worked my way through Classical Lyre for Beginners, dutifully playing every exercise at least once as I grew in confidence. I went through scale after scale and exercise after exercise until finally…
Eagerly turning to the next page in the instruction book, I found myself staring at the colorful back cover. ‘Learn to play an ancient and beautiful instrument in only ten easy lessons!’ proclaimed the text filling one bright yellow starburst. ‘Recommended by the Canterlot Musical Conservatory for the instruction of young unicorns!’ said another. Huh. Fancy that… I’d finished it.
Bon Bon stifled a yawn as I closed the instruction book and put it to one side. She blinked sleepily and managed to hold back another yawn just long enough to say, “It’s getting pretty late… Did you want to go to bed?”
I shook my head, managing to suppress a yawn of my own. “No, I think I’ll keep going for a little longer here. I’m not too tired yet. Let me know if I’m too loud, okay?”
“Okay… Goodnight then. See you in the morning?” Bon Bon waited for a moment as though expecting something beyond the smile and wave that were my response. Looking somewhat sad, the cream-colored mare made her way around the piles and boxes and closed the door carefully behind her.
I sighed, letting out tension I hadn’t known had been building. Despite my growing enthusiasm, it had been a little awkward performing for an audience instead of simply playing for myself. It was probably something Lyra was completely comfortable with, but for someone used to being hunched over a nice, peaceful keyboard, the solitude was a relief. Fortunately for me my audience had been the kind and encouraging Bon Bon. Still. Now that the blue-maned mare had given me the key, it was time to really get to work. I fought back another yawn and began looking for my next challenge.
* * *
The latest yawn threatened to dislocate my jaw. Ouch. I waited until my mouth was once again under my control and promised myself, “All right, Lyle… just one more and then bed. Couch. Whatever.”
I could already hear the soft upholstery of the couch in the living room calling my name. While Bon Bon had offered to let me use the bed, it hadn’t felt right to take her up on the suggestion. Besides, sleeping on the couch had a sort of symmetry to it. In effect I had started my first bizarre day in Ponyville on that couch, and now I could end it on the same. But first, a final song.
Looking over the recently disturbed stacks of books, I chuckled dryly. I probably wasn’t anywhere near Lyra’s level of expertise, but whether through some half-remembered skills from my college days with the guitar or through some kind of natural aptitude in the unicorn’s body, I now was at least able to play the correct notes nine times out of ten. Well, four times out of five, at least.
I yawned again. Okay, maybe that ‘one last song’ had been the one I’d just played. It had been a mistake to play something called “Nocturne of the Moon” when sleep was already dragging at my eyelids. Yeah, some rest was sounding pretty good right now.
Just as I was about to put the lyre back in its case, I noticed a brown folder to one side of the desk. In tight yet somewhat sloppy script, the label read, ‘Running of the Leaves Concert Piece—Draft Four.’
“Huh. What were you up to, Lyra?” Curiosity getting the better of my fatigue, I laid the lyre carefully in its box and slid the folder into the middle of the desk. Inside were a few sheets of music, all carefully written out on pre-inked staves. There were even lyrics written below the notes in the same small yet unruly lettering.
I read through the music, humming the notes as I went—and stopped. The tune seemed familiar somehow. I scanned through it again from the beginning, this time singing the lyrics under my breath as I did so.
My eyes widened as I looked through the lyrics and notes for a third time. There were a few small differences, but in effect I was reading a carefully transcribed score for my favorite song of all time. There was only one thing to say to that, and without thinking I said it at the top of my lungs. “HOLY F—ING S—, IT’S SIMON AND GARFUNKEL!”
The profanity-laden shouting echoed even with the poor acoustics of the practice room. I froze. Whoooops. It was late, probably after midnight. I hoped Bon Bon was a sound sleeper.
As it turned out, Bon Bon was not a sound sleeper. After a few moments I heard the thumping hoof beats of a half-awake pony hurrying down the stairs. By the time the bleary-eyed mare had burst through the door and into the practice room, I was looking apologetic to say the least.
Bon Bon was surprisingly alert for someone just woken up out of a sound sleep. “Whuzzat? Lyra? Lll…lyle? Urgh… Are you okay?”
“Uh… I’m really really sorry,” I murmured, belatedly finding my ability to speak softly again. “I just… Sorry. Something just surprised me, is all.”
The cream-colored mare managed to force her eyes open long enough to give me a long-suffering look. She sighed. “Well. As long as I’m up…”
I watched rather guiltily as Bon Bon took a seat between two piles of books and waited patiently. She wanted me to play. Actually, the earth pony probably wanted me not to shout human curse words at ungodly hours while she was trying to sleep, but it was a little late for that.
Looking over the sheets of music to refresh my memory, I hummed along and moved my hooves slowly over the strings. All right… I cleared my throat nervously, trying not to think about how irritated my audience must be with me right now. “This is something Lyra was working on for the concert, I think. But it’s also kind of a classic, back home. This is ‘The Sounds of Silence.’
“Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again…
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping.
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence…”
I closed my eyes, my hooves sliding at will over the strings of the lyre. Singing softly, I let my tenor voice linger over lyrics long remembered as I wove my way through the song.
With my mouth and hooves practically on autopilot, I could have mulled over how it was possible that Lyra had managed to channel one of my favorite bands of all time and somehow transcribed my absolute favorite song ever. I could have worried about whether Bon Bon was enjoying the song, especially after the rude awakening I’d given her. Instead, I simply played. Nothing existed for me but the music.
“…And whispered in the sounds of silence,” I sang, letting the lyre’s last notes die on the strings. I exhaled. That had been nice. Hearing the familiar song was almost like a little piece of home.
Opening my eyes, I said, “So, Bon Bon! What did you—Gah!”
Tears in her eyes, the cream-colored mare had closed the distance and was hugging me before I could react. Somehow I managed to maintain my telekinetic grip on the lyre as Bon Bon’s warm, strong embrace pulled me close. “Oh, that was wonderful! What a beautiful song!”
“Bon Bon,” I whispered. I found myself returning the close hug almost without thought. My muzzle drifted closer to hers, and hers to mine. I breathed deeply, savoring the earth pony’s warm, spice-laden scent and—paused. No. No, I couldn’t do this. It wasn’t right.
As if on an unspoken signal Bon Bon and I pulled apart. I could see a growing blush on her face and knew it mirrored the one on mine. I managed a tepid, “Thank you, Bon Bon. I couldn’t have done it without your help.”
“Oh. You’re welcome Lyle. Of course. Um. That was lovely, but I think I should go to bed. And I think you should, too. On the couch, I mean,” Bon Bon said, adding the last bit in what I felt to be somewhat of an unnecessary rush.
I nodded. “Of course. Sorry again for waking you. I’ll get back to practicing tomorrow.”
“Yes. Thank you. Uh, good night?” The mare smiled at me.
I returned the smile with an embarrassed wave. “Goodnight, Bon Bon. Sleep well. See you in the morning.”
* * *
The polished lyre glinted in the yellow light of Monday morning as I finished wrapping it in the black silk cloth and closed the carrying case with a snap. I grinned. All right! That was that. Even though Lyra’s timeline would be short when she got back, she couldn’t say I hadn’t done everything I could to set her up for success in the concert. Everything was ready to go… including me.
Today was the day I was finally going home. Sunday had been full of uneventful yet still enjoyable practice and fairly unexciting conversations with Bon Bon, my long-suffering host. Now however we were off to Twilight Sparkle’s library and my eventual return to the world of cloudy skies and late-night programming sessions was assured. Woohoo!
…Woohoo. I sighed. Ponyville’s colorful ponies and beautiful vistas had definitely deadened my homesickness effectively. In a way, I was going to be sorry to leave it all behind me. I would even have been willing to stay longer if not for… I looked down at the body that I had been borrowing without permission and sighed again. If not for that, yes.
“Are you ready?” Bon Bon asked as she rapped on the door to the Books and Branches library.
I simply nodded. I was definitely ready. I was still a bit worried for Lyra—after all, she’d be coming back here with a scant half a day before her big performance—but there was nothing I could do about that and even less that I could say. Thankfully I didn’t have to say anything as the door opened and Twilight waved us inside. “Come in, Bon Bon… Lyle. Is everypony ready?”
“Ready as I’m going to be,” I agreed. “Should I do anything special?”
“No, just stand where you did before and we’ll get started,” replied Twilight.
I did as I was told. As before, Twilight’s horn flared and I felt the odd sensation of poking and prodding by unseen forces all around me. The pressure was building behind my horn again, but I closed my eyes and focused on quieting it. My emerald magical field, which had been leaking out to press away at Twilight’s amethyst one, receded once again. It was working. I could feel it.
With nothing better to do, I let my mind drift a bit. I wondered what Lyra had been getting up to this whole time. Had she been trapped in my body just as I’d been in hers? Perhaps I should have written her a quick note thanking her for her ‘hospitality.’ Or maybe I should have been threatening dire warnings if the unicorn mare had done anything too crazy while living my life the way I’d been living hers. I shuddered to think of what I would be returning to if she had tried driving my car. Well, whatever, I was probably too late now.
Abruptly the pressure released and the glowing nimbus around Twilight’s horn faded. She swayed a bit. Bon Bon and I both rushed forward with cries of, “Twilight?!”
“Oooh… I’m all right. I’m all right,” the lavender mare assured the both of us. In a moment, Twilight almost seemed to be telling the truth as she straightened up and shook off some of the fatigue… but she still seemed a bit weak.
Bon Bon and I helped Twilight Sparkle over to a table. Bon Bon stayed with the unicorn while I hurried to the kitchen and brought back a glass of water. Twilight drank it down greedily.
When Twilight had finished her water, the two of us looked at her expectantly. She looked back and hesitated. A horrible expression of uncertainty—horrible for me at least—was plain on her face.
“I’m… not sure about the results of the spell,” Twilight admitted slowly.
I felt my heart seize up and drop into my stomach. “W-what?”
“The results of the scan were inconclusive. I’m not sure what they mean yet. I’ll have to do more research,” the librarian elaborated tiredly.
“What does that even..?” I started.
Twilight Sparkle shook her head in the manner of a doctor telling a patient that he won’t be seeing the next sunrise. “I’m sorry, Lyle. I don’t think I’ll be getting you home today.”
A/N:It should be obvious, but if it's not... the music Lyle's playing is "The Sounds of Silence," one of my favorite songs by the band Simon and Garfunkel.
This, despite the fact that for most of the writing I've been doing on this fanfic, I've been listening to White Zombie's "More Human than Human" set to loop. I felt it was appropriate.
“Won’t be getting me… home today?” I repeated incredulously. Twilight was silent. I tried again, my voice rising as if saying the words more loudly would make them go away. “Won’t be getting me home today? Won’t be getting me home today?!”
The lavender unicorn waved her forehooves placatingly. “That doesn’t mean you’re not getting home at all, just not yet!”
“How can you not be helping?! You’re TWILIGHT SPARKLE! Princess Celestia’s most faithful student! You helped take down Nightmare Moon. Discord. Dragons, and parasprite invasions, and everything. How can you possibly not be able to help here?!” I shouted. There was a ringing in my ears. I wasn’t sure if it came from the sheer volume of my own cries or simply from the horrifying realization that I might be trapped here for good. “Don’t you realize that—!”
“Lyle!” Bon Bon’s forceful, icy hiss brought me up short. I withered under her disapproving glare. The earth pony thought I was being unreasonable. But I wasn’t. Near-hysterical thoughts swirled in my brain as I tried to wrap my head around my new situation. There was going to be a concert today, and Lyra wasn’t going to be there because Twilight Sparkle had picked the worst possible time not to know what to do. Why was I the only one here who thought this might be worth getting upset about?!
“Lyle, calm down and listen,” Bon Bon pleaded—though her voice still had a hard edge that made it almost a command.
I almost ignored Bon Bon, but then I caught sight of the deepening lines of stress on her face. The cream-colored mare was just as worried as I was. More, maybe. But unlike big, manly Lyle Hartman, the little earth pony was managing to keep her cool. I shut my mouth and tried to swallow the lump of fear that had lodged in my throat. “A-all right. I’m listening.”
“Lyle, I was hoping for Lyra back by now, too,” Bon Bon continued. Her voice shook a bit at the mention of the green unicorn’s name, but she kept going. “But she isn’t. This concert means a lot to her. To us…”
I could see exactly where this was going. The phrase ‘butterflies in your stomach’ is such a trite one. Where did it even come from? I was sure the so-called butterflies flitting around my abdomen were something more like horrible bat-winged hell-beasts judging by all the roiling my stomach was doing. I drew a shuddering breath and said, “You want me to go in her place, don’t you.”
It wasn’t a question, and Bon Bon had the courtesy not to treat it as one. “Please, Lyle. I know you can do it. You’ve made amazing progress, and that song of Lyra’s you played was absolutely perfect.”
“But I’m not Lyra!” I practically wailed. “I look like her, but I’m just Lyle! I can’t perform in front of all those peop—ponies! I’ll freeze up! I’m a computer programmer. I basically sit in a box all day for a living!”
When Twilight started to interrupt I wheeled on her and snapped, “And don’t start with me on that again, Twilight Sparkle! I am a programmer, no matter what you think about it!”
“I was just going to make a suggestion,” Twilight said, ignoring the rudeness of my preemptive retort. “If you’re really that worried about it, try using a trick I learned back in school at Canterlot: imagine everypony is a Smartie Pants doll!”
The sheer inanity of Twilight’s advice jerked me back from my downward spiral into full-blown panic. Maybe she’d been taking lessons from Pinkie Pie. After sitting silently for a moment I managed, “Imagine… everypony… as a Smartie Pants doll..?”
“It works great! And she’s so supportive. Why I remember back when I was first learning how to use magic...” Twilight trailed off, smiling happily as she gazed off into the misty pasts of her foalhood.
Bon Bon and I exchanged a look. It was... probably best not to comment on that. I sighed. “Thank you Twilight. And I’m sorry for spazzing out at you again.”
I turned to Bon Bon, my heart pounding and my chest tight. Somehow I managed to force myself to nod instead of doing something more reasonable such as bolting for the door as fast as my hooves could take me. “I’ll do it, Bon Bon.”
“…You’ll imagine ponies as little stuffed dolls?” Bon Bon asked incredulously.
In spite of the situation, I laughed. Was that Bon Bon’s intent? I wouldn’t have put it past her. “What? No. I’ll do the concert. It’s just the one song, right? No other craziness I missed?”
“No, just that,” the earth pony agreed.
“Okay then. Let’s go get ready before I regain my sanity and run screaming for the hills,” I sighed.
* * *
Water splashed down into the pool at the base of the fountain. I stared into the water, thoughtfully chewing on the last of the daisy sandwiches Bon Bon had packed for our lunch. This was… nice.
Leaving the Books and Branches Library a few hours before, I had expected the immediate future to be a panic-tinged nightmare of hasty and possibly fruitless attempts to squeeze in one last bit of practice before my debut performance. It had certainly started out that way.
Fortunately Bon Bon had intervened and now here we were, wrapping up a peaceful lunch in the park. I swallowed and glanced over to the cream-colored mare at my side. “Thanks again, Bon Bon. Delicious as usual.”
With her big blue eyes fixed on the rippling surface of the water, Bon Bon didn’t respond. She stared into her reflection, looking like her mind was a million miles away. Probably in Tacoma with Lyra. I tried again. “Bon Bon?”
“Hmmm?” The cream-colored mare shook her head and looked up. “Oh, I’m sorry, Lyle… I was just thinking.”
“What about?” I asked.
“Oh, nothing. Nothing.” Bon Bon started to wave a forehoof dismissively, but paused. When she spoke again, the faraway look in her eyes had returned. “It’s just… Lyra loves the sound of flowing water. This is where Lyra and I first met, you know. I was just taking a walk one day and decided to come by the park. There was this lovely unicorn mare just sitting and staring into the fountain with a look of complete concentration on her face.”
Bon Bon smiled slightly at the memory and continued, “I thought she might have dropped something in the water, and asked her what she’d lost. She turned and smiled at me and said she hadn’t lost anything, but now she’d found something anyway.”
I chuckled. “That seems like kind of a weird thing to say.”
Bon Bon laughed along with me. “I know; I thought so too. I think she was trying to be romantic. So, I asked her what she’d found. And she looked at me with a sparkle in those golden eyes of hers, and said…”
“‘I’m not sure; why don’t we find out together,’” I murmured without thinking.
Bon Bon blinked in surprise. “Yes… How did you..?”
“It… er… It seemed like the thing to say,” I answered lamely, feeling a bit embarrassed. “Anyway, sorry for interrupting there. Go on.”
The blue-maned mare shook her head. “No, no. That was about it. Just thinking… Well. We’d better go. It’s nearly time.”
I glanced up at the sky. It was definitely past noon, and the flow of concertgoers on the path had grown from a sporadic trickle into a torrent. She was right; it was almost time for my performance. I tried not to think about it as Bon Bon and I collected up the debris of the picnic and cantered along with the crowd until we reached the stage.
My short trip from fountain to the back of the stage felt a little like a death march to the gallows. With the tall wooden shape of the platform in front of me and the dull roar of the multitude loud in my ears, it was hard to keep my mind from drawing that kind of comparison. My heartbeat was rapid and my breath coming in short gasps as Bon Bon and I approached the stage manager.
The brown-maned earth pony trotted towards me with a big grin on his muzzle. “Ah, Bon Bon with our opening act. Hello, hello! How are you two? Ready to knock ‘em dead out there? You’re on in ten!”
“S-sure…” I managed a nervous smile, and the stage manager trotted off to do whatever it was that stage managers do. Manage stages, I guess. I sat down—it was that or fall down—and unloaded my saddlebags as best as I could manage with my hooves shaking like they were. I theoretically could have done that with my magic, but in my current state I didn’t trust myself not to send something into the stratosphere if someone so much as coughed in a way that surprised me.
I nearly went into the stratosphere myself when the giant speakers on either side of the stage crackled into life. “MMmmmmaaaaaares and stallions! Fillies and gentlecolts! Welcome to the first annual Running of the Leaves Concert! And first let’s have a big cheer for all the fine ponies who participated in this year’s race, the biggest ever here in Ponyville! I bet those trees just didn’t know what hit them!”
Thunderous cheers sent my blood pressure straight through the roof. Oblivious to the serious damage he was likely doing to what was left of my crumbling composure the announcer continued, “I’d like to thank all of you for attending today… But now let me take this opportunity to remind you that the Ponyville Chamber of Commerce is operating a wonderful assortment of concession and souvenir stands placed conveniently about the field for your enjoyment! Remember, the race is over, so please feel free to weigh yourself down with as much food and stuff as you can afford, ha ha ha. Oh, come on, everypony. Laugh! That was funny! Anyway, I’m Check List, your announcer for this evening…”
My hooves scrabbled at the surface of the lyre’s carrying case as I tried unsuccessfully to open its clasps. I tried again, swearing under my breath. Come on, stupid case! Why wouldn’t it cooperate? Why—ah, there it went. I slammed the box open and tugged out the lyre, staring at it with slightly wild eyes. Wait. How did I play this again? Oh god, I was going to screw this up, wasn’t I? I moaned, “I don’t think I can do this…”
“Sshhhh… don’t worry, Lyle. I know you’ll do great,” Bon Bon whispered. I felt the warm, calming weight of the mare’s foreleg as she draped it over my shoulder and pulled me close. Then I felt the equally warm but much softer press of her lips on my cheek as she gave me a quick kiss. A pleasant tingle flowed through my body, driving away the pre-performance jitters.
I looked at Bon Bon, shock clear on my face. She simply smiled, a slight blush on her cheeks. “Go get ‘em, Lyle.”
Before I could respond, the announcer raised his voice—unnecessarily, considering the level of amplification he was already getting—and shouted, “…And first up I am proud to introduce Ponyville’s very owwwwnn….. Lyra Heartstrings!”
I managed to tear my eyes away from Bon Bon. Mouthing my thanks to her over the roar of the crowd, I gathered up my lyre and climbed up onto to the platform.
The sun was dipping lower, beaming practically right into my eyes as I looked out over the field. Unfortunately, its light wasn't so bright as to prevent me from seeing the legions of ponies spread out before me. My hooves rang loud on the wooden planks of the stage as I approached the single chair at the center of the platform and sat down. Clearing my throat, I leaned forward to speak into the microphone and quavered, “H-hello, Ponyville… T-today… t-today I’m…”
I closed my eyes and thought of nothing—nothing save for the sound of gurgling water and the big, blue eyes of a certain earth pony mare. I took a breath and started again, eyes still shut against the crowd and the searing light of the sun. “Today I’m going to play a classic… well, a classic from back home. This is ‘The Sounds of Silence.’”
Positioning the lyre at my hooves, I sat back in the chair. I focused my eyes on the instrument and concentrated on the music in my head. Slowly at first but with growing confidence, I started to play. Music poured from the strings of the lyre under my glowing touch, and after a few seconds I began to sing. “Hello darkness, my old friend…”
I was doing it. The notes came easily to me. The words of the song flowed forth, rolling over the hushed crowd as they listened. I couldn’t believe it. It was working. “In restless dreams I walked alone… Narrow streets of cobblestone…”
By the end of the second verse, I felt strong enough to look out over the crowd. Hundreds of pairs of eyes were watching me, but the music was what mattered right now. It made me smile, thinking of how frightened I’d been at first… How scared I’d felt when Bon Bon had first told me she’d managed to get me this gig.
I’d told Bon Bon that she was crazy—I’d never performed for so many ponies before. What if I screwed up? What if they didn’t like my music? The thought of failing like that in front of so many ponies—in front of Bon Bon—had been almost physically painful to me. I’d felt like throwing myself off a cliff. Yet here I was now, and Bon Bon was right again. As usual. She really was the best thing that had happened to me after I left Canterlot. “Hear my words that I might teach you…”
…Now, wait a minute. I scrolled back over the past few thoughts. Something seemed strange about them. They… Huh. That was odd.
In my mind’s eye, I could see the vast plains of my memories stretching back into the misty past. But as I watched, I could see flickers of a mysterious other land, terra incognita, floating in and out of existence like pictures projected on mist. I re-examined my recent thoughts. ‘How scared I had been when Bon Bon had first told me she’d managed to get me this gig.’ ‘The best thing that had happened to me after I left Canterlot.’
Thinking back now, I could remember that conversation—which had quickly turned into an argument—as clear as day. And I could remember a lot more, too. I could remember a few weeks back, when Bon Bon had made me try a ‘hot chocolate’ bonbon with actual hot sauce—Pinkie Pie’s idea—and I’d spent the rest of the day bent over a bucket. I recalled that time nine months ago when I had gotten Bon Bon that new stand mixer for her birthday. She’d been so happy…
Finally, I understood. I could remember everything. I’d been wrong this entire time, and it almost made me laugh to think of it. ‘As sane as the next man?’ You certainly were… Lyra.
“…And whispered in the sound of silence…” I let the final notes die away and took a deep, ragged breath. For a moment, nopony stirred. Just when I thought I was going to have to leave the stage in the very silence I’d been singing about, the cheering started. It came from one throat, then ten, then twenty. The cries of delight and approval rolled through the fields and broke on the stage like a great and glorious wave.
I stood, a bit unsteady on two legs. Well, this was it. Lyle Hartman dipped low with his bow… and straightened again as me—Lyra Heartstrings. I dropped to all fours and started to trot offstage, my legs feeling wobbly now that I was coming down from both an adrenaline rush and a several-day-long hysteric fit.
The announcer, Check List, brought me up short. “Whoooaaah now, Lyra! You can’t leave like that! I think the good ponies in the audience want an encore, and the next band’s still getting ready…”
Cheering even louder, the massed multitudes before the stage voiced their approval. Sighing and with a slight smile on my muzzle, I returned to the chair. “Well, all right… This one might not be ready yet, but I think it’s appropriate here. This song’s a little number I like to call ‘Homeward Bound...’”
By the time I was done the audience was roaring for a second encore, but I simply grinned and waved as I trotted off-stage. Always leave ‘em wanting more, right? The future was looking bright.
Bon Bon and Twilight Sparkle were waiting behind the stage and smiled as I approached. They both started to speak at once, but I overrode them with, “Well, girls, I’ve got some good news and some bad news…”
“What?” Bon Bon asked nervously, caught a bit off-guard.
“Well the good news is, I finally figured out what was wrong,” I said. “I’m back now. I’m sorry about all that… weirdness.”
“You mean you..?” Hope rose in Bon Bon’s eyes. I nodded, and she practically tackled me, showering me with hugs and kisses. “Oh, Lyra! I was so scared we were going to lose you forever…”
After a moment the earth pony paused in her affectionate assault and speared me with a suspicious glance. “Wait. What’s the bad news?”
“The bad news,” I continued with a sigh, “Is that Twilight Sparkle was right and now she’s probably going to be insufferable for days.”
That earned me a clout around the ears with Bon Bon’s powerful left forehoof and an amused chuckle from the soon-to-be-insufferable unicorn. Twilight seemed about ready to retort with some witticism when the pitter-patter of little dragon feet interrupted us. Spike came running up, excitement blazing in his eyes as he chattered at a mile a minute. “Twilight! Twilight! I was looking for you! Is it true that—”
Catching sight of me, Spike’s eyes widened and a huge, toothy grin spread across his face. “Hey! Are you really Lyle Hartman?!”
“I—” I started, caught off guard by the little creature’s enthusiasm.
Twilight Sparkle broke in with, “Spike! Manners! And where did you hear that?!”
“Er… I… Well…” Spike looked down, scuffing the ground with one clawed foot. “You left some of your notes out about Lyra and Bon Bon and ‘stress-caused dilutions’ and stuff, and I accidentally read some of them while I was cleaning up…”
“That’s ‘delusions,’” Twilight corrected automatically, but Spike had already turned to me again.
“So is it true, Lyra?! You’re really Lyle Hartman? I love your show! When I grow up I want to be a computer programmer like you! It looks awesome!”
I chuckled. “No, Spike. Sorry. I’m not Lyle. Just Lyra.”
And, I thought as Bon Bon nuzzled my neck affectionately, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
A/N:Boy, I hope at least some of you saw this coming because I was trying to telegraph it as much as possible without actually coming straight out and saying it.
Just a heads up, this is the romantic ending. The epilogue that comes next has some slightly dark humor along with some background / exposition, so you maaaaaaay want to stop now. Fair warning.
For those of you who do, a word of thanks for my several editors and pre-readers including: SapphireStarlightPony (here), CaseterMK (DA), Little Napoleon (FA) and last but certainly not least, Rated-R PonyStar (here). Thanks a lot, guys; I couldn't have finished this without you.
So, that’s my story and yours, Lyle. There are probably still a lot of unanswered questions in your mind. I bet you’re wondering why it is that I’m writing this to you or, in fact, how I can be writing this to you since I (Lyle Hartman) am you. Or you probably think that you’re trapped in my (Lyra’s) body and I’m off somewhere else.
The answer is, it was Twilight Sparkle’s idea. Twilight’s been incredibly helpful explaining the whole situation. It seems like I can’t really be forced out of a delusion, but at least it can be managed until my stress levels drop enough that it goes away on its own. I definitely owe a lot to that mare, convincing Bon Bon to go along with the plan and arranging things to help me through that first big concert the way she did.
My musical career has picked up in a big way since the Running of the Leaves Concert, so really stressful situations—and therefore, further ‘episodes’—might start happening more often now. Better safe than sorry… And besides, I feel like I owe it to Bon Bon to do everything I can to help her out dealing with the crazy mare she loves. That would be me. And by extension, you.
So please: work with Bon Bon and don’t worry about whatever stressful situation you’re dealing with. It can be tempting to throw in the towel, but Bon Bon’s an amazing pony; she’ll see you through. And don’t make it too hard on her or I’ll fight my way back to the forefront of our brain and find a way to give you two hooves to the face.
I guess I’m kind of rambling at this point so I’ll go ahead and wrap this up. Lyle, please listen to Twilight and Bon Bon; they want to help you. Me. Us. Oh, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, ha ha ha.
Crazily yours,
Lyra Heartstrings / Lyle Hartman
I looked up from the small yet sloppy script of the letter. Reading it through the green haze of this weird magic stuff was giving me a headache, anyway. The two horses in front of me looked at each other, then back at me. The purple one with the horn on her face said, “…Well?”
“Let me run this by you to see if I’ve got it right… So you say Lyle Hartman is actually a little green unicorn chick who goes off her rocker every once in a while when she gets her panties in a twist over something, right?” I drawled.
“Er… yes?” the purple one agreed.
“Great. So then explain to me why I’m the one stuck in his body!” I gestured pointedly with one of the flat little hooves that now tipped my arms. God, this was ridiculous. I could really have gone for a drink right about now.
“You mean you aren’t Lyle?” asked the other horse, a cute little broad with a sort of ice cream sundae look going for her—white body, blue and pink hair. Not bad.
“Please. That nerd? You’re looking at ‘The Stan.’ Bam.” I tried to do finger guns, but it’s a bit hard to do when you’ve been disarmed. Stupid horse body.
“The… Oh. Stanley Winkowski,” the purple one groaned. What was her name? Some sort of stripper name. Twilust? That sounded pretty close.
“So you’ve heard of me? Awesome.” I would have said more, but a little purple lizard dude skidded to a stop in front of me, green eyes shining.
“Y-y-you’re ‘The Stan?!’” the lizard exclaimed.
“Uh, yeah. Bam,” I said, a little taken aback as a piece of paper and a quill pen appeared in his hands as if by magic.
The little guy just about exploded with glee. “C-can I have your autograph?!”
“Spike…” growled Twilust… Twilight. Whatever.
“What? I may not get a chance like this again!” Spike whined.
I took this as my cue for a quick getaway. “Well anyway, I’ll see you lovelies later. Anybody know where a guy can get a good margarita around here? I—Whoops!”
A glowing field of purple energy suddenly scooped me up and held me immobile. The purple unicorn chick turned to the cute one beside her. “Well, Bon Bon?”
“All right,” the white one sighed. “You win, Twilight. We’ll try the thaumic shock therapy…”
A/N:Bwuahahahahaha… So like I said, yes-- This is precisely what I had planned out the entire time. Frankly it was difficult to keep it going this way; some of you guys were really tempting me to play it straight with the human in Equestria thing just so I could do the story of Lyra wandering around in Lyle's body...
Alternatively, I was tempted to do an epilogue where you have what is very clearly Lyra back on Earth, thinking she's gotten better from imagining herself to be a little female unicorn pony-- i.e. Twilight and Bon Bon managed to drive Lyle into thinking that he's Lyra, and the psychiatrists on Earth did the same thing in reverse to Lyra.
But I thought this was actually a little less dark than that, although it would also have been funny to me. So I went with this.
Once again, thanks to all my pre-readers / editors: Rated-R PonyStar, SapphireStarlightPony, CaseterMK, and Little Napoleon. You guys rock.
