> I Need to be Honest With You > by applepiedash > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Chapter 1 > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The light from her phone screen lit up the dark room. 3AM. This was going to be yet another sleepless night. Applejack sighed as she put her phone down by her side; she stared into the darkness of her room for so long that she wasn’t sure if she had her eyes open any longer. This was becoming a regular occurrence. She would spend so much time over thinking that sleep was the last thing her mind would let her body do. No matter how much she tried to stop the tears, they continued to stream down her face. Applejack tried to keep herself quiet. She turned over and buried her head into her pillow to muffle the sounds of the crying. She didn’t want anyone to hear her, she wouldn’t be able to explain to her family why she was like this. They wouldn’t understand it anyway. Applejack continued to suffer in silence. She felt like she had to keep everything to herself because no one would understand what she was feeling, no one would believe her. Why would they when she seemed so happy all the time? Every time she thought about telling her friends she just pictured them laughing at her, saying that she was just doing it for attention and that she couldn’t possibly be suffering from depression when she was always in such a good mood. It hurt her to think of her friends in that way, but she couldn’t help it. Her mind made her overthink everything and even though a situation like that wasn’t going to happen, it was one of the many thoughts that filled her mind preventing her from sleeping. She sat up, wiped the tears from her eyes and picked up her phone again hoping that, somehow, someone knew that she needed help and had texted her to ask if she was okay. Nothing. Of course there was going to be nothing. How could anyone know she was sat in her room, crying her eyes out, in the dark, at 3am when she hadn’t even told anyone what she was going through? She chucked her phone across her room and cried into her pillow. She was getting worse, she didn’t know how much longer she could keep it all in without losing it in front of someone. She needed someone to talk to, but that meant telling someone and she just didn’t know how. Applejack laid still on her back letting the tears slowly run down her face as she closed her eyes and tried to sleep. > Chapter 2 > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Applejack was awoken by the sound of her family making a cacophony in the kitchen. She squinted as she tried to focus on her alarm clock to see what the time was – 6:30am. Applejack closed her eyes again and tried to forget the day ahead, but she was interrupted by her sister calling up the stairs. “Applejack! Granny wants you to get up.” “I’m coming.” Except she wasn’t. She was still in bed. She didn’t want to move and she certainly didn’t want to be going to school. Applejack stayed in bed for as long as she could before eventually getting up and sitting on the edge of her bed. She picked up her clothes that she had thrown on the floor the night before and started to get dressed. She stayed sitting down the whole time because she had barely any energy to get up. She got dressed incredibly slowly, stopping to have a break after each item of clothing. Applejack finished getting ready and headed downstairs. She sat at the table with her family and just stared blankly at the bowl in front of her. "Aren't you going to eat?" Apple Bloom asked, sounding concerned. "I'm not really hungry." She wasn't. She had no energy to eat anything, nor did she have the energy to make conversation with her family. "Ya need to eat breakfast, it's the most important meal of the day," Granny Smith said "I know. This does look good, but I'm not hungry. I ain't feeling that good," Applejack hated nothing more than lying, but she had to do all she could to cover this whole thing from her family. "I think I'm just going to head to school early." Really, she just wanted to have a walk before school started in hopes that it would clear her head a bit to help her focus on the day ahead. Applejack left her family in the kitchen and finished getting herself ready. Once she was, she made her way to school. As she left the house she could feel herself start to tear up as she thought about the way she was feeling and how she could possibly tell, at least one of, her friends what was going on. Applejack arrived at the park where she always met Rainbow Dash before school; she decided to walk around for a while as she was early. The sound of the light wind rustling the leaves on the trees with the birds chirping, relaxed Applejack. She stood still and let the cool morning breeze dry up the few tears that had made their way out. Applejack always felt at peace in the park. It helped her to calm down and reassured her that she was going to get through the day, but it didn't seem to be working as much as it used to. The quietness used to be what Applejack needed to escape and unwind, but now it just reminded her of how alone she was. As the tears started to fall once more, Applejack heard a familiar voice call out her name. She quickly wiped her face with her sleeve and turned around “Oh hey Dash,” Applejack smiled, hoping that her friend wouldn’t notice that she had been crying. “You okay?” Applejack started to panic. Had Dash noticed? Had she let her painful secret slip? No, she’s just asking how I am, ain’t nothing more to it. “Er, yeah, you?” "Yeah, I’m good,” The girls started walking in the direction of school. Applejack wished she could get the words “I need to talk to you,” out, but she couldn’t. Every time she went to say them, it’s like she had forgotten how to speak. She didn’t want to worry Dash, nor did she want to break down in front of her friend – and she really didn’t want to go into school with the ‘I’ve Just Got Done Crying’ look. Applejack could hear Rainbow talking, but all she could respond with were “yes’s” and “uh-huhs”. Her mind was elsewhere, not only thinking of ways she could let everything out, but also on how she could find better methods to cover up how she was feeling so no one would suspect anything. "AJ, you sure you’re okay? You seem…distant.” Rainbow Dash sounded concerned for her friend. She had known Applejack for a long time and she could usually tell when something was wrong. “Huh? …Yeah. I just ain’t feeling 100 percent.” Applejack knew she was going to have to Rainbow sooner rather than later. She was getting worse at hiding it and Dash was starting to notice it. *** They soon arrived at school and went to their first class of the day. Applejack was hoping that Dash would be too busy concentrating on the lesson that she wouldn’t notice that anything was wrong with her friend. She also hoped that she would be able to focus on what the teacher was saying so she could have a break from the thoughts that took control of her mind for most of the time. Unfortunately for Applejack, it was Chemistry, her worst subject. She tried to comprehend what her teacher was explaining, but none of it was going in. She tried to write notes, but she couldn’t keep up with what was being said. Applejack started to get overwhelmed and gave up on what she was doing. At this point she didn’t care anymore, she wanted to figure out a way to tell Dash what was going on. It was the only thing that mattered to her. She was completely zoned out from the room until she felt Dash tapping her. “What answer did you get for number 4?” “I ain’t got nothing,” Rainbow Dash looked down at Applejack’s worksheet and noticed that she hadn’t written anything at all. “I know you find this difficult, but you usually try. What’s wrong with you?” “I told you, I’m sick.” She wasn’t completely lying. She was sick. She was really sick, but just not in the way she had meant it. “Well, I, er, hope you feel better soon…” She wasn’t convinced. There had been times where Applejack had been like this before, saying she wasn’t well, but Rainbow knew she was okay; she was rarely ill. This time was different, she knew Applejack wasn’t sick, but she did know something was wrong and she was going to try and find out. > Chapter 3 > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Applejack joined the lunch line and looked at the food. She knew she needed to eat something, but she still wasn’t feeling hungry. She picked up one of the plates with what looked like the best looking mush and an apple and went to over to where her friends were sitting. The noise in the cafeteria was overwhelming for Applejack. There was so much going on, she couldn’t focus, she couldn’t think straight. She just wanted to get out of there and her friends weren’t making it any better, but she sat down next to Rainbow anyway. “You really need to work on your drum solo Pinkie,” Dash said “At least my timing is, um, in time, unlike Rarity’s!” “My timing? Sunset needs to learn how to tune her guitar so we sound no less than fabulous on Saturday.” “My guitar sounds better than Applejack’s vocals at the moment.” “Heh, yeah, about that… I, er, don’t know if I’ll be able to play on Saturday cause I –“ Pinkie cut her off before she was able to finish “Um excuse me Applejack? Won’t be able to play? We can’t have a band without a bass, you hold it together!” “It’s just that…” “…She’s sick” Dash finished for her, before muttering “supposedly” to herself. Applejack just looked away and let out a quiet sigh. If only her friends really knew what was going on. "Um is that why you’re not eating?” Fluttershy asked, sounding concerned. Applejack just nodded in agreement; she certainly wasn’t going to tell everyone at the same time. The girls continued to discuss their show for the upcoming weekend. Applejack said very little and tried to eat what she could, all whilst trying to block out the negative thoughts that were trying to find their way into her mind once again. She wanted to join in on the conversation, but she couldn’t think, she didn’t know what to say; it was all too much for her. Applejack started to get really panicking and she knew she had to get out of the cafeteria before she got even worse. Fluttershy could sense that her friend definitely wasn’t feeling herself. “Applejack, are you okay? Do you want to go see the school nurse?” “No, it’s okay.” Her mind started filling with the thoughts that so often consumed her and she could feel herself starting to tear up. “Where are you going?” Rainbow Dash asked, she had a worried look on her face “I just need to go to the bathroom.” “Do you think she’s okay? If she’s sick and all that?” Twilight sounded concerned. She hadn’t really known Applejack to be ill before. "People pee, Twilight,” Sunset added, laughing a little. “I’m not so sure… I’ll go check on her,” Dash got up and made her way to the nearest restroom, to see if that’s where Applejack was. She was hoping that with some one-on-one time, Applejack would tell her what was really going on. > Chapter 4 > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Applejack ran into the furthest stall from the door, slammed the door, locked it, put the lid of the toilet down and sat on it. She burst into tears. She tried to keep it silent, which only added to the pain she was already feeling in her chest; the emotional pain was so strong it often became physical at times. She hoped no one could hear her. She hoped she was alone. Except she didn’t want to be alone. She wanted to be with someone. She wanted to tell someone everything she was feeling. She just wanted someone to understand. The bathroom door opened. Applejack had expected for people to be going in and out, after all, she was in a school bathroom, but what she wasn’t expecting was to hear her friend call out her name. “Applejack, are you here?” Rainbow called out “Um, yeah...” “You okay?” “Yeah,” “Why are you in here?” “What d’you think? I needed to pee,” Applejack tried to get herself to actually go to convince Rainbow Dash that that was what the real reason why she was in there, but she couldn’t, so she flushed instead and tried to dry her eyes as best she could. “So... You gonna come out,” Applejack emerged from the stall, hoping that she had managed to make herself look like she hadn’t been crying. She walked over to the sink to wash her hands to keep up the charade she was acting out. “Are you really okay?” Dash asked, knowing that she probably wouldn’t get a truthful answer. “You haven’t been yourself recently.” “How many times do I gotta say it? I’m sick. I ain’t been feeling well for a few days now. “ “You’re not sick. I’ve known you long enough to know what you’re like when you’re sick” “Well, I’m sorry if this time doesn’t fit my usual ways of being sick,” “’Cause you’re not!” Dash really didn’t want to get annoyed with Applejack, but she just wished she would tell her what was going on. “AJ, please just tell me what’s going on with you. I’m worried. “ “Why can’t y’all just believe me? There ain’t nothing going on” “’Cause I know it’s not nothing. You can trust me; we’ve been friends for years.” “I can’t. I just can’t. Not here anyway.” Applejack started to get choked up. She couldn’t back out of telling Dash now. “Do you wanna come over to mine after school? I’m gonna be home alone for a while,” “Uh-huh,” Applejack nodded. She couldn’t get anything else out. She felt like she was going to cry again. Rainbow Dash leant in and gave Applejack a tight hug. “Tell me whatever you need to, I won’t judge, I promise.” Applejack sniffed as she looked at her friend and smiled. *** Dash kept looking over towards Applejack. She could see that she was miles away, not doing any work and looking like she’d rather be anywhere, but sitting in a classroom. Rainbow was also unable to concentrate. She was worried about her friend. She couldn’t stop thinking about what Applejack was going to tell her. She wanted to be there for her, but she had no idea how she was going to react; she couldn’t even begin to imagine what was going on. Every possible thought was running through Applejack’s mind. She was trying to think of the perfect way to tell Rainbow Dash. There was no perfect way. Nothing about this was perfect; it couldn’t have been any further away from that. What if she doesn’t understand? What if she doesn’t believe me? What if she hates me for lying to her for this long? I can’t do this. I can’t tell her. I don’t want to hurt her. She ain’t gonna understand. Nobody will understand. I don’t understand. How am I supposed to tell her? How do I start the conversation? She couldn’t stop thinking. She knew she was probably overreacting. They’d been friends for over ten years, it wasn’t like Dash was actually going to hate her, but it’s all that she could think of. No matter how hard she tried to get rid of these thoughts, she couldn’t. They were always there. The sound of the bell took Applejack out of her mind and back into the real world. She packed away her stuff and waited for Dash outside the classroom. "I don’t think I can do this,” she said as Rainbow walked out the door, hoping that she wouldn’t have to tell her. “I get it’s going to be hard for you, but I know something’s wrong. I want to help,” she grabbed Applejack’s arm as she spoke and then hugged her. “I’m here for you.” “…Thanks,” Applejack forced a smile as she and Dash started walking. > Chapter 5 > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Applejack dropped her bag onto the floor and sat down on the bed next to Rainbow Dash. She stared out the window as a million more thoughts ran through her mind. “Do you want a drink, or some food?” Dash asked Applejack shook her head, “I ain’t hungry…” She felt sick already, she didn’t want to add to it. “I don’t know how I’m going to tell you any of this,” She continued to stare out of the window not wanting to make any eye contact with her friend. “It’s okay.” Dash put her arm around her friend. “Take your time. I won’t judge, I just want to help you.” Applejack glanced at Dash before looking down at the floor. She was silent. The right words were impossible to find. She didn’t know how to start the conversation. Was she supposed to say it explicitly or did she try to cover it up? “I…I can’t do this Dash. I just can’t tell you,” “I know something’s wrong and I can’t let you suffer by yourself, AJ.” Dash didn’t know what to do, she desperately wanted to help, but she couldn’t force Applejack to tell her something she didn’t want to share. She sat and looked at Applejack; she felt useless. “I’ve been dealing with it just fine by myself so far,” “Dealing with what though?” Applejack sighed, she knew she had to tell Dash, she wanted to tell her, she was just going to have to say it. “In here.” She pointed to her head, hoping that Rainbow would know what she meant. “In there. Are you sick? Is it serious?” “No, not like that,” “Like what then?” “I’m…” Applejack paused, that one word was so hard to say. “…I’m… depressed. Really depressed.” She continued to look down at the floor, not knowing what else to do and not wanting to see the look on her friend’s face right now. “I’m so sorry, AJ,” “Don’t be sorry, you got nothing to be sorry for,” “I just wish I’d been able to tell so I could’ve helped you earlier on,” Dash put her hand over Applejack’s, “how long has all this been going on?” “Years.” “Years? And you never told anyone?” “I couldn’t. You’re the first person to know.” “Wait, so your family doesn’t even know?” “Just you. And the doctor, but they don’t care.” “I’m sure they do.” “If by giving me medication and then not saying anything is their way of caring, then sure.” “You’re on medication for it?” Dash seemed shocked. She hadn’t expected Applejack to be that bad. “Was. I stopped taking it.” “Why would you do that?” “Wasn’t helping. I have other ways of coping.” “Like what? ‘Cause you didn’t seem to be coping too well at school today.” “Just other ways,” Applejack looked down at her legs to make sure she had no scars on show, that was the last thing she wanted Rainbow Dash to see. Rainbow noticed Applejack looking and she instantly knew what she meant by “other ways”. “AJ, have you, um…do you...” “…self harm? Yeah. I do.” She started to cry. “I look horrible, Dash. They’re disgusting. I can’t even look at them.” The tears streamed down her face despite her efforts to get them to stop. “But…but why? Why would you do that to yourself?” “’Cause I hate myself...” Rainbow felt an intense pain in her chest. It hurt hearing those words from her friend. She never knew Applejack felt that way, she always seemed so confident and happy in herself. “…and the physical pain takes away the emotional pain for a bit. It kinda relaxes me.” “Please don’t ever do it again.” “But I need to, Dash. It’s how I cope.” “No. You don’t need to. There’s other ways of coping, Applejack. You don’t have to hurt yourself. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.” “But I want to. You don’t understand.” “No. I don’t. But I can see you’re hurting and hurting yourself even more isn’t going to help fix that. You said yourself you can’t even look at them, maybe you’d feel better if they weren’t there.” “Having no cuts or scars on my legs ain’t gonna suddenly cure me,” she sounded angry; she knew no one would understand. This was exactly why she hadn’t told anyone. “I know. I mean, maybe you won’t hate yourself as much,” “I don’t hate myself ‘cause of that. It doesn’t help, but it’s a mix of everything.” “I’m sorry, AJ. I’m just trying to understand.” “And I appreciate it, truly I do, it’s just hard when you’re not dealing with it, y’know?” Rainbow nodded. “Can I give you a hug? You look like you could use a hug.” Applejack shuffled a bit closer to Dash and they hugged, making Applejack cry even more. “I’m sorry for being such a mess, I hate crying in front of people.” “Applejack, it’s me, I don’t care how much of a mess you are, I mean, look at my room.” Applejack smiled for what felt like the first time in forever. She felt relieved for finally telling Dash what was going on, but there was still something else she had to say, something she knew would be even harder to say than everything else. “Uh, Dash?” “Yeah?” “There’s something else I feel like you should know.” “Sure, go ahead.” “Remember last year, when I was off school for a month because of a family emergency out of town?” “Er yeah, what about it?” “There was no family emergency.” “So where were you?” Applejack sighed. “In hospital.” “What? Why?” Come on Applejack, you can do this, it’s just Rainbow Dash, your best friend, she won’t judge. “There ain’t no easy way of saying this…but…I…” The tears started to flow once more as she looked away from her friend, she couldn’t make eye contact whilst saying what she was about to say. “…I…I tried…I tried to…” “Applejack, it’s okay, breathe.” “I tried to kill myself, Dash, there ain’t nothing okay about that.” “What? No! Please tell me you didn’t.” “I don’t lie and I certainly wouldn’t lie about that.” Rainbow broke down into tears. “D…do you wish you’d been successful?” Applejack let out a very broken “uh-huh.” “And do you still feel that way? Suicidal, I mean.” “Almost every day… People have this idea that being suicidal means overdosing or jumping of a bridge, but it ain’t like that, not always.” Applejack looked up at Rainbow, she could tell she was listening, trying so hard to understand and for the first time ever she felt like someone genuinely cared. “Sometimes, I’ll be waiting to cross the street and think to myself ‘if I stepped out now, this could all be an accident’ or not cooking something right and hoping I get sick and die.” “I’m so so sorry AJ. I’m sorry you deal with that daily and I’ve never done anything to help you or even noticed any of this.” Dash’s voice was broken, she was feeling so much pain for her friend. She’d never expected Applejack to be going through any of that, it hurt to see her suffering. “Please don’t be sorry. I hide it, every day, from everyone. I know I’m s‘posed to be honest, but lying was easier…” Rainbow sat in silence. She didn’t know what to say, she’d never had to talk about anything like this before and it was impossible trying to find the right words. “I’m sorry for dumping this on you. You probably have your own shit without needing mine added to it. I should never have told you.” “No, I don’t, nothing compared to this anyway. You never have to hide it from me, please remember that.” “I can’t hide it anymore, I have no energy. I need help Dash, I really need help, I don’t know what to do anymore.” Applejack started crying even harder, she felt weak, she didn’t feel like Applejack, not anymore. “And I’m gonna help you get that help. I can’t let you suffer anymore, Applejack, I can see you’re hurting and I don't want that to be happening. I’m here for you. I’m always going to be here.”