Dear Diary...
“It was the perfect date, my dear. Absolutely perfect!”
“Oh, I’m so glad to hear that, Rarity,” Fluttershy said, picking up her cup of tea. “I know how excited you were for it.”
“Oh yes, very much so. He was such a gentlecolt, and quite handsome, too. Did I tell you that he works in the royal palace? Anyway, he picked me up from my shop, right on time, and brought a gorgeous bouquet of roses. Then, we went to one of the nicest restaurants in Canterlot and it was just wonderful—the food, the music, the conversation. We talked about all sorts of things over dinner, he’s got a delightful sense of humor. After dessert, we walked down the boulevards under the moonlight and when he finally took me to my room, he was the perfect gentlecolt. He bade me good night and promised that we would meet again soon. And then he kissed me and, well, it was… it was…”
“Perfect?”
“Yes,” Rarity said with a miserable sigh, “yes, I suppose it was.”
“Is something the matter?”
“No, of course not. I just lived through one of my fillyhood dreams and it was delightful, not a hair out of place. I’ve met the perfect stallion, we got on like a needle and thread, and my ideal life is just in reach.”
“You don’t seem very happy about it.”
“Hmm, and that’s the problem, isn’t it?” Rarity said, stirring her tea and watching the steam swirl around the spoon. “It was perfect. And I hated it.”
“Hated it? Why?”
“I don’t know. I was asking myself the entire night with him, wondering why something felt wrong. But you see, there wasn’t anything wrong! It was everything I could have hoped for.”
“Maybe you were nervous?”
“It’s possible,” Rarity said reluctantly. “But then he was so sweet and welcoming, there was nothing to worry about. I’m afraid that I simply don’t feel the same way about him as he does for me.”
“Well that’s all right,” Fluttershy reassured her. She was certainly the right choice as confidante. “Sometimes two ponies simply aren’t meant for each other and it’s no one’s fault.”
“I suppose.” Rarity said and took a long sip. “But if he’s not the one, how am I ever to find another—“ She was interrupted by a loud knock at the door and then the sound of it creaking open.
“Fluttershy, ya home? All right if I come in?”
“Oh, Applejack!” Fluttershy said, rising from the couch and flitting to the main room. “Of course, come in. I’m sorry, I forgot you were coming by.”
Rarity stood and smiled as the orange earth pony walked in, wearing her usual Stetson and a beaming smile.
“Hey, funny seeing you here, Rarity! Hope I’m not interrupting anything,” Applejack said, glancing at the platter of tea and sandwiches.
“You’re fine dear, really,” Rarity said. “You’re more than welcome to join us if you like.”
“Nah, I won’t trouble ya. Besides, I’ve still got loads of work to do. I'm just here to pick up Ginger. Is she ready to go?"
“Yep, all better! Feel free to help yourself to anything, I’ll be right back,” Fluttershy said before leaving through the back door.
Applejack turned back to Rarity, fidgeting and lowering her Stetson. “Er, sorry again for interrupting.”
“Not at all! Fluttershy and I were merely chatting. I was telling her about my, uh, my date in Canterlot a few days ago.”
“That so? Everything go all right?”
“Yes, yes. It was… it was perfect. Quite perfect.” She hoped Applejack wouldn’t hear the very slight quaver in her voice.
“Glad to hear it,” Applejack said with a tender smile. “You deserve to be happy, Rares.”
“I…um, yes. Thank you.” She looked away, ignoring the way her heart beat faster. “That’s very sweet of you to say.”
“I’m just glad you had a good time, is all. If I remember, you’ve had a few others not go so well.”
“Yes, there have been a few,” Rarity said, feeling quite self-conscious at the memory of more than just a few dates—or nearly dates—that had never been quite right. “What about you, Applejack? Any colts catch your eye recently?”
“Pfft, me? Not a chance. I’m plenty busy just keeping the farm going. I’ll leave the romancing to you.”
“Applejack, really! You work far too much. You need to take some time to yourself.”
“That’s what I have you girls for!” Applejack said with a bright laugh. “You’re great for pulling me away from the farm every so often. Hey, ya know… we haven’t hung out in a bit. Wanna do something? We could go to the spa together if you like. Plus you're right, I could use the break.”
“A spa date would be wonderful.”
She would have said more but then Fluttershy came in with straw in her mane and a red-orange chicken perched on her back.
“Here she is!” she sing-songed, stepping over to them.
“Ginger! Glad to see you doing well,” Applejack said, going to Fluttershy’s side so the chicken could jump to her back. “I really do appreciate the help, Fluttershy.”
“My pleasure.”
“Well, I’ll get out of your way. Thanks again for the help. And Rarity, we’ll be in touch soon, all right? Later!”
Rarity stood there until she walked out the door, relishing the warm glow in her chest. She was already looking forward to their next spa time. Perhaps next week…
“Sorry about that. Would you like more tea?” Fluttershy said, calling her out of her reverie.
“Hmm? Oh, yes please.” She returned to the couch, still thinking of when the best time for a trip to the spa would be.
“You were telling me about your perfect stallion, remember?” Fluttershy prompted after a long pause.
“Yes, of course. My perfect stallion…” She took an extra-long sip of tea.
What was she looking for? What did she really want? She didn’t know anymore.
The sun was already slipping towards to the horizon when she walked down the dirt path from Fluttershy’s cottage. It had been a great relief to talk about her romantic dilemma, but she still didn’t know what was wrong.
When she arrived at her boutique, it was already past dusk. She hesitated before stepping into the empty studio, noting how much colder it seemed inside. While she appreciated solitude and personal space, it would have been nice to have a little liveliness, just a little noise or… or something.
With a soft sigh, she entered the kitchen and flicked on the lights and found that she wasn’t very hungry, just enough to convince herself to make a simple salad that she ate alone. She wished she wasn’t out of ice cream; moping would have been nice.
“Mmm, what do I want?” she wondered aloud, absently gazing about her kitchen, propping her head on her hooves.
That was too broad a question; there were many things she wanted. But for romance? That was easy. She wanted a handsome, well-spoken, well-mannered stallion who could sweep her off her hooves and do all the other cliché romance tropes. Stereotypical? Perhaps. But it was only fair that a high-class pony like herself demand the best, right? Were her standards too high? That was certainly possible.
But there was something else she wanted. It wasn’t a grand wedding or wealth or fame, in fact, it seemed quite small. It was simply a little dream of hers, one she had thought of often. She closed her eyes and imagined the scene, same as ever…
It was a normal day, right at sunset. She’d be welcomed home by a handsome stallion who smiled at her. They’d happily make dinner together, filling the air with talk and laughter and the sizzle and smell of good food cooking. Afterwards, they might spend the night reading, or he would visit her in her workshop as she labored over new designs. Perhaps she would work late or be tired and grumpy, and her perfect, anonymous stallion would bring her a mug of hot tea and sweetly kiss her.
She tried to picture the face of her recent date in the dream, but she couldn’t even imagine past entering the kitchen. That always happened: she could never see his face no matter who she imagined. So her dream-colt stayed as anonymous as ever, his face blank and empty, his body made of nothingness and darkness. Why? Why was it so hard to imagine a stallion being with her like that? Loving her and sharing a home?
There had to be somepony out there for her, she thought desperately. Her special somepony…
She heaved a great sigh and put her chin on the table with a pout. Everything was so much simpler when she was a filly.
Hmm. That gave her an idea.
In short time she found herself crouched low and peering under her bed. From amongst the dusty storage bins she pulled forth a pale pink box covered in stickers and gel paint, looking like a filly had doodled on it repeatedly. Which was true. It was supposed to be for inspiration, for motivation, to see just how far she had come from being that little filly making fruit costumes for a school show.
One day she may want to clean it out, she thought as she sifted through the old papers and photos, shoving aside a dried-out pen that once wrote in color-changing ink, and peering under a flat stone with a smile painted on it. Important things. But she was looking for something in particular.
“Hmm, I don’t think…” she muttered as she pulled forth a hot pink journal covered in sparkles and hearts. She opened it to reveal huge, childish writing…
Today mom and I made a pie. We went to the market and we bought….
“No, not that one.” She set it down and looked for another, one from when she was older and better understood that a diary was for more interesting things than grocery shopping.
Her magic lifted up another journal, a deep rich blue with her cutie mark on the back—that was from when she was still in school. She flipped through the pages and caught a doodle of a heavily embellished heart and poorly drawn gemstones.
Dear Diary,
…I have decided that Rare Find will be my special somepony...
“Haha, oh my, I forgot I had a crush on him.” With a slight twirl of magic she flicked through the pages before carefully setting the diary on the bed. It had been years since she had last opened it, she might as well enjoy it.
She hummed as she went about her nightly routine: brushing her mane and teeth, washing her face until it stung, doing light stretches to remove the kinks in her back. She took her time so it was all the more rewarding when she finally burrowed between the sheets, nestling into the pillow at her back. Once she was perfectly content, she lifted the diary in her magic and continued to read…
Dear Diary,
I have decided that Rare Find will be my special somepony. It’s Hearts and Hooves Day tomorrow, so it was very important that I choose a pony and he was the cutest unicorn in class and we have similar cutie marks. It'll be wonderful!
I’m very excited! I hope he likes me back.
Update:
I told him today at lunch that he was going to be my special somepony and that he had to get me flowers and chocolates and he told me he didn’t want to. Can you believe it?
Oh well, I’ll just have to find another colt.
She laughed out loud at that. “Well that was shorter than I expected,” she said, scanning the rest of the entry. Nothing exciting there.
She turned the page and her eyes caught the word Canterlot—underlined and with a huge flourish on the ‘C.’ She had an idea what that would be about…
Dear Diary!
Mom said we might go to Canterlot soon, I’m so excited! We’ll get to tour the palace and see a show and it’ll be amazing. I’ll also get to meet Prince Blueblood. Mom says we won’t find him because Canterlot is so big. But I know we’ll meet and fall in love because it’s my destiny.
When I marry him I’ll become a princess and everypony will love me. I’ll get to live in a fancy castle and everything will be perfect.
“So much for that dream,” Rarity said, smiling at the old memory and the full-page sketch of her dream castle. She and her mother had gone to Canterlot soon after that, and while she didn’t find any colts or princes, she did fall head over hooves in love with the city.
Then she found one entry written in cramped, anxious writing…
Dear diary,
I cried today when I got home from school. Mom doesn’t know, I was very quiet. But I can tell you, diary.
I made a pony upset and feel awful.
I was talking about how I was going to live in Canterlot and how I didn’t like Ponyville. Then this earth pony in my class said Ponyville was great and I was wrong. I told her a princess didn’t live in a dirty old town and I think she thought I was calling her dirty. Which she was. I don’t want to spend my whole life here. I want to live in Canterlot and meet cute unicorn stallions every day.
But I feel bad for hurting her feelings.
Oh, and something good happened today, too. A colt gave me a flower and told me he thought I was pretty. It was very cute. I don’t know what to do with him. I’m too worried to think clearly. I guess I’ll just talk with him tomorrow.
Also I’ve decided I’ll make an apology card for her tonight.
Update:
I gave her the card!
It was right before school. It was a very lovely card—I even taped on poppies to the paper because it matched her fur and I think she would like flowers.
And she did like it! We hugged and sat next to each other in class all day.
Her name is Applejack.
I really like her.
Goodness, the day she had first made friends with Applejack. She remembered making that card, finding the poppies in the morning after they bloomed and thinking how important it was that Applejack like her back.
She skimmed over a page of dress sketches and one complaining about schoolwork and Sweetie Belle being annoying. Then she found what she had been looking for...
What I want from my special somepony:
Handsome
Rich
Nice
Sof Sophisticated
Brings me flowers and chocolates
Gets rid of spiders and bugs
Makes me smile
Has a big house
Likes cats
Dresses nice
Shares dessert with me
“Huh, not bad, little me,” Rarity said after reading the list over twice. Frankly, she’d been expecting something worse, more superficial. Is this what she wanted of her future husband? Perhaps.
Another page…
Dear diary,
I forgot my lunch again! Well, it was because I didn’t wake up in time to make it this morning. (Stop sleeping so much, dummy!) Anyway, it wasn’t so bad because Applejack sat next to me at lunch and shared hers. It was really fun, and her lunch was so good!
(maybe I’ll forget my lunch again)
Better idea!
I’ll make a delicious, big lunch tomorrow night (it’s already late tonight) and bring it to share with her. I’m sure she’ll love it. It has to be really good, I want her to like it. Maybe we can sit together under the big tree, just the two of us. It’ll be like a picnic!
A picnic… she should go on another picnic with Applejack, it had been quite a while after all.
A few pages after that…
Dear diary,
I’ve been thinking about my special somepony a lot…
What if he’s not a stallion?
I read a legend in this old book about two mares who loved each other (even though they were a pegasus and earth pony and the tribes were still fighting) and it made me think. And maybe that’s what a special somepony is, a good friend who you love. But I like being friends with mares…
So I’ve decided that I’ll still get married and have a perfect life and family and all that, but I’ll also have a special somepony too. A really good friend, a pony I can trust and spend time with and we’ll understand each other. I’ll just do that.
Also, I don’t really need to marry a unicorn, I guess. I thought I did, but I don’t know anymore. Although I think all princes are unicorns, so maybe it has to be a unicorn… I don’t know.
For a while she had mentally separated the idea of a husband and special somepony... quite a while. In fact, she still clung to it, just a little.
She turned the page and it was back to talking about school. An entry about the time a group of schoolponies had ventured to the Everfree on a dare and Applejack had to ‘rescue’ her despite being terrified herself (she had been quite happy to be rescued, it seemed).
Then she caught sight of a little drawing of a frog on one and was smiling before she even read the first word…
Dear Diary,
Today in biology class we were studying frogs, gross! But I knew we would so I made sure to get Applejack as my partner, she’s not scared of them or even thinks they’re icky. She kept teasing me though, ugh! Why does she do that? She held the frog out in her hooves and dared me to kiss it because she said I was just like a princess. She has a very cute laugh. (I didn’t tell her that though!)
I didn’t kiss it, of course, but I did eventually hold the slimy frog and it wasn’t all that bad. Applejack seemed proud of me. That was nice.
I keep thinking about how she called me a princess.
It was a good day.
She smiled, took a deep breath and ignored how quick her heart was beating.
She skimmed over several pages about when Rarity had slept over at Sweet Apple Acres. Then a proud moment when Applejack had banged her shin, and Rarity had taken it on herself to nurse her back to health. Huh…
“There… there sure is a lot of Applejack in here,” she muttered, biting her lip.
Of course, she wrote about many other things: colts she liked and bad hair days, booming thunderstorms and ice cream on sweltering summer afternoons. But often—quite often—she wrote of Applejack. How she tried to play dress up and style her beautiful mane, or weave ribbons into her tail for a rodeo she was competing in. How Applejack would tease her about her dreams of castles and princes, how she’d often share apple fritters at lunch and bring her spiced cookies that tasted like autumn.
Then she came to a page with scrawled messy writing…
Diary,
Today was awful.
It was really stupid but I still don’t like it.
In class this week we’ve been learning about growing up stuff, like kissing and falling in love and everything that I want to learn about. So after school most of my class went to the park and we played a game called spin the bottle and whoever the bottle pointed to you had to kiss. I was very excited for my turn and it pointed to Thunderlane, who is quite cute. We kissed and it was… it was boring! And a bit gross. But everypony laughed and I thought they were laughing at me because I must be a bad kisser. But then they laughed at every kiss so maybe it wasn’t so bad.
That was all fine, but then Lily Blossom spun and it landed on Applejack and everypony really laughed at that. I didn’t laugh, and Applejack didn’t laugh either. I don’t know why but I asked that Lily re-spin, told her that she had to land on a colt or it didn’t count. I was quite insistent on it, really. But not everyone agreed and Applejack got mad.
I don’t know why.
Did she really want to be kissed?
I told her it wasn’t right and that Lily had to spin again. Applejack said that was stupid and I told her that fillies only kissed colts.
Then Applejack stood and walked over and kissed Lily. On the mouth.
I didn’t like it. I don’t know why.
Everyone laughed. They teased her and called her names. Applejack didn’t look at me again and then left. She said she had work to do.
I got a bad stomach ache after that and went home and cried.
I don’t know why.
The page ended. In the bottom corner, very strangely, a flurry of tiny, tiny hearts with little x’s over each one.
Maybe reading this had been a bad idea, Rarity thought as she held a hoof to her heart to steady her breathing. Good idea or not, the next page continued where it had left off as her writing got worse and worse until she could barely read it…
Why should I care who Applejack kisses? It was just a dumb game.
Why did it make me so upset? Why am I angry?
It’s stupid. I didn’t mean to make Applejack mad. I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know why Applejack gets to kiss fillies. It’s not right. That’s not what a real mare should want. Fillies have to kiss and marry colts, that’s just how it is.
I don’t know why I’m so upset. Why am I crying over this? It’s stupid. stupid stupid stupid
I don’t like feeling like this.
I’m very confused. I don’t know who to talk to.
I don’t
Update:
I tried to talk to Applejack today but she ignored me. I just wanted to apologize.
I went to the nurse’s office because I was feeling so sick, but she said there’s nothing wrong with me. What if there is?
I don’t think she wants to be friends anymore. It's my fault. What did I do wrong? I don’t want her to hate me.
I don’t know what to do.
Update 2:
I forgot to mention... Thunderlane came up to me today at lunch and told me that he liked me, even invited me on a date. But I didn’t care. I didn’t like him back. So I told him I would only marry a prince so he wouldn’t bother me.
I don’t know if I really want to marry a prince.
I don’t know what I want.
I want Applejack to be my friend again
I don’t know.
Rarity put a hoof to her mouth, tears blurring her vision until she could barely make out the words.
Oh.
Fillies only fell in love with colts. Princesses married princes. There wasn’t another option. She had convinced herself it was the only way.
She remembered playing spin the bottle that day, all of them so young, lying under the trees in the dappled light. Applejack hadn’t wanted to go, but Rarity had begged her to. But when the bottle landed on her she had been strangely angry.
She had been jealous.
Jealous because Applejack was brave enough to not care about kissing fillies. She didn’t seem to care what anypony thought. Not like Rarity.
And she was jealous of Lily Blossom. Because Lily Blossom got to kiss—
Oh. That was a dangerous thought.
Is… is that what she wanted?
No. That couldn’t be right. Applejack was the opposite of her dream colt—opposite in every way. It wouldn’t be… appropriate.
She couldn’t fall in love with a mare, much less a simple farm pony, one who was stubborn and messy and blunt. But she was also sweet and kind and wonderful and her smile…
Oh, and her smile. And the way she looked at her and made her feel safe and special. And the way her heart ached...
Oh.
With a deep breath, Rarity closed her eyes and thought once more of her dream, her treasured little wish of a loving, warm home, of her special somepony…
Like always, the vision started in the evening.
She would come home from a long day at work. A good day, bright and warm and everything painted pale gold with the setting sun. She would walk up, open the front door and there would be lights on in the hallway and the comforting smell of dinner cooking.
And then a pony would come out from the kitchen.
Rarity hesitated. The vision stuttered.
In her mind, she couldn’t see for the bright light in her eyes, and wondered if it would be the empty nothingness again, the blank face. Then she saw her perfectly, smiling and welcoming her home. Applejack was there, Rarity could picture her clear as day—all soft orange fur and golden mane and startling green eyes.
A weight was lifted from her shoulders and she relaxed, both in the present and in the warm light of the dream. She smiled and let it play out…
They would laugh and talk as they made dinner together, and it would be warm and peaceful and smell of apples and spices. They would eat at the little table in the kitchen, just the two of them and they would tease each other about their days at work.
Then they would clean up together and Rarity would go work on new designs. She imagined herself sitting at her work desk, slumped forward and frustrated over something. But then Applejack would come up to her with a steaming mug of spiced cider and kiss her forehead.
Rarity would sit up, turn around and see her smiling, see her beautiful green eyes crinkle at the corners. And she would reach up, lay a hoof on her freckled cheek and kiss her for real…
Rarity opened her eyes with a gasp.
“Oh…”
She lifted a hoof to her cheek and felt the damp fur beneath her eyes.
“Oh dear…”
With a faint sniff she magicked over a quill and ink pot and carefully turned to an empty page at the back.
Dear diary,
I’m in love.
Perhaps I have been for a long time.
My love is not a prince, or a unicorn, or even a stallion.
She is a farm pony, a beautiful mare and a wonderful friend.
She is nothing like what I dreamed of.
And she’s absolutely perfect.