chapter 1: Oh, the Humanity...
“Pst, hey… hey, kid!” Azure Zap, a happy little blue unicorn colt jumped and spun in place, finding himself face with the most ridiculously mismatched pony he'd even seen. The poor pony's coat as the most garish shade of green, while the pony’s mane and tail were a combination of limey greens, sickly yellows, and just plain ugly shades of purple in stripes both vertical and horizontal. The pony had to be the most singularly ugly mare the colt had ever seen in his young life.
“You’re a changeling!” the colt screamed and pointed his pointy little hoof.
“You caught me!” The changeling revealed herself in a flash of changeling fire, still a garish attack of colors, but holey as Celestia’s Cheese. “I’m just one of those changelings who did that thing you ponies like so much… what’s the word… reformed!”
“You’re a reformed changeling?” the colt asked skeptically.
“Oh yeah, I’m totally reformed.” The changeling mare flashed a flirty smile. “I tell stories, and if ponies love my stories, then I get to feed off their love. I’m totally sure that’s more or less what ‘reformed’ means, and I’m 100% sure you don’t know any better than I do.”
“I’m not supposed to talk to strangers…” the colt replied uncertainly.
“Well my name is Whatserface!” the changeling mare winked cutely. “And I’m totally not a creeper or anything. Besides, it’s not like I’m trying to give you candy. Just listen to one of my stories. I promise, you’ll LOVE it!”
---
So, this guy is walking home from the store, and he’s physically assaulted by these words. Like, seriously, words just come out of nowhere, snatch him out of reality and ask him, “Hey, bruh, where you wanna go?”
And of course because this is a tiny horse fantasy, he’s like, “Dude, can you send me to Equestria?”
And the words are like, “No problem, dude. Anything you want to take?”
And dude’s like, “How about my computer? And my computer desk… and could you make it all more portable? Like, some kinda pocket-dimension snow globe that I can easily carry around?”
And the words are like, “Well, dammit man, I meant like a change of clothes, maybe a can of body spray… You know what, fine, but I gotta say I think you're taking advantage here…”
So the words send him to Equestria, in the middle of nowhere, in the snow. And David, because that’s the dude’s name, is like, “Well, I’m boned.” And because he was never very good at Oregon Trail, or camping, or not drinking standing water from puddles, he immediately gets dysentery. Like right off the bat. Then he passes out from the fever and meets Princess Luna, because that’s how dysentery works when you have magic dream horses.
And Dave’s like, “Holy shit, it’s Princess Luna!”
And Luna’s like, “Holy shit, it’s a talking monkey!”
And it doesn’t say Dave soiled his pants, but he'd passed out with dysentery, and then met an alicorn in his dreams, so it’s a safe assumption that he soiled himself. I’m pretty sure. But, anyway Luna sends some ice-fishing pony to fetch him up and take him to the nearest tiny horse village that I’m pretty sure had a horse-pun name.
So he goes to the town of Horsepun, where he’s treated with what I assume to be pony antibiotics, and he meets this pony and he’s like, “Man that pony looks familiar…”
And the pony’s like, “Holy shit, dude! You’re my human OC!”
And Dave’s like, “That’s where I’ve seen you! You’re my pony OC!”
And it turns out Dave’s Pony OC. Rough Draft, also writes roleplaying games, but with humans, not ponies. And he’s like, “Hey wanna go to Biped Con with me?”
And Dave’s like, “Biped Con?”
And Drafty’s all, “It’s a place where ponies with a biped fetish get together with bipeds who are looking to pick up ponies who have basically one standard in a prospective mate.”
So Dave’s like, “Hells yeah! I’m gonna get some of that sweet, sweet pony love. But first I’m going to let this small town doctor perform unlicensed polymorph magic to get me a rockin’ set of abs.”
And that goes about as well as can be expected and the two take the exposition train all the way to Manehattan. And who should they meet at Biped Con, but everybrony’s favorite human fetishist, Lyra Heartstrings. And Lyra is rocking the most racist minotaur cosplay ever. But she’s totally getting away with it.
And Drafty’s like, “Hey, everybody, check it out! I have a human from the human world, because the human world is totally a thing, like in that game I write.”
So they proceed to shamelessly plug PonyFind...errr… “HumanWay” and Lyra sees them, and she looks at Bon Bon, and Bonnie be like, “No, Lyra. You can’t keep him. You know you’ll just love him up and turn him into a pony!”
And Lyra’s all, “Dammit Bon Bon! That’s totally not how that works!”
And Bonnie just rolls her eyes and goes along with it, because that was Lyra’s “one thing”. If they ever met a human, they were going to immediately form a herd with them. And Bonnie went along because everypony knows there’s no such thing as “humans” and she really wanted Lyra to do that thing with the “fingers” spell. But lookit there, an actual human. So she goes along with it, because she’s pretty much gotta.
And in a surprise to no one, Lyra immediately turns Dave into a pony. Because, you know, she’s so sure that he’ll be impressed with her unlicensed polymorph spell. And Bon Bon’s kinda relieved, because if he’s not a human, that means she’s totally off the hook. But Drafty’s freaking out, he’s like, “My marketing gimmick! NOOooo!!!!”
So Lyra says, “It’s okay, we can fix this, I went to Celestia’s magic college with Princess Twilight, and I happen to know she’s in town with Rarity for a fashion show this weekend.
And Bonnie’s, like, “Do you think you dropped enough names?”
And Dave’s super chill, and he says, “Hey, it’s totally okay. I was probably gonna try and talk someone into magicking me into a pony sooner or later anyway.”
And Lyra’s like, “No way! I finally found a human, and we have to turn you back into a human, so we can have freaky human sex!”
And Dave’s all, “Whoah? We’re gonna have sex? Why the hell didn’t you say so. Let’s go find the Princess and get me turned back into a human!”
So they go eat some sweet-assed sushi and go look up Twiggly Wiggly. And the Princess of Friendzones is like, “Dammit Lyra! Throwing around polymorph spells without a license is illegal as fuck! We’re not in college anymore and I can’t just keep covering for you like this to keep you out of pony-jail!”
And Lyra’s all, “But Twilight! Human! I just wanted to have crazy human sex!”
Twilight fights the urge to vomit and says, “Then why did you turn him into a pony?”
So Twiggy gives in, but she’ll only turn half of Dave back human. So Lyra chooses the end with the fingers. And everyone goes back to the hotel and everything is going pretty good, and Dave’s gonna get laid. So he’s feeling pretty good about himself… right up until he’s kidnapped by furry haters who decide he’s gone too balls deep in human cosplay and drag him off to the magic police.
And it turns out the magic police is Trixie, who’s on magic probation for enslaving Ponyville. And she’s like, “Dayum! The Princess of being a Jerk to Trixie messed you all up.”
And David’s like, “That’s cool. I’m totally gonna have sex with Lyra Heartstrings. Totally worth it.”
But Trixie’s like, “Sorry bruh, but she totally magic-roofied you.”
And Dave’s like, “Still cool, I totally don’t care if I get roofied if it leads to pony sex.”
But Trixie’s all, “No way. Not on my watch. I’m gonna call Princess Luna, and we’re gonna get you de-magicked. Don’t worry, we’ll have you back to your old self with no kinky, magically induced pony sex in no time.”
So Dave be like, “NOOooo!!!!”
But it’s too late. Luna shows up and she’s having none of Lyra’s date-rapey bullshit. And she has Lyra arrested and put on friendship probation or something. And Bon Bon has to find an apartment in Manehattan because Lyra had their tickets home. And Rough Draft is all mopey, because he’s not gonna be able to use his human buddy to get invited to crazy pony orgies.
And Luna looks at Dave, and she’s like, “Dude, you’ve been polymorphed too many times. I can’t fix this.”
And Dave’s like, “So not only am I not getting laid, I’m stuck as a half pony, half man abomination?”
But Luna’s like, “Nah, dude, it’s not that bad. I can still turn you the rest of the way into a pony. And I can even make you, like, really young, so you can go to pony school and learn about how to be a pony, because your stuck with it now.”
So David’s all excited, “Does this mean I can legally date high school girls?”
And Luna’s like, “Dude, the last law book I read was a thousand years ago, as far as I’m concerned you can marry a twelve year old.”
And that’s basically “Clueless in Equestria”, in a nutshell… basically.