Need To Know
P-shing!
The too-familiar flash and sound heralded my arrival. But they barely registered. I knew only one thing: the pain was gone.
The agony, the tearing burning scratching my fur from skin and my skin from my body and then my soul-
It was gone.
In its place was exhaustion like I hadn't known in a long time. I felt my legs give out, and I fell to the cold floor. My eyes fluttered open.
I was in Canterlot.
I was in the banquet hall, just inside the doors, and there were other ponies there. Nobles, I recalled, and visiting dignitaries. Gathered around the table, waiting for me. All their faces looked familiar, but strange.
My eyes locked onto the pony at the table's head.
Celestia.
Her own eyes were wide with shock, her mouth open in a strangled gasp. Her gaze flicked to the left and right, to the other ponies, to something on the floor I instinctively did not look at. Something in her eyes... it wasn't right.
She knows, I realized. She knows... she's always known...
Burning returned to me, in my gut. A stinging swarm of insects called anger rose up and stabbed at my stomach. I swallowed, my face contorting. The edges of what I could see were narrowing. Blackening.
With my last energy, I let the swarm out of my mouth in one harsh word:
“Why?”
I opened my eyes again, and saw familiar curtains. It was my old room in the palace. I'd been placed in the bed.
The edges of my eyes crackled. My lids felt heavy, my lashes too thick. I tried to raise a hoof to wipe the grit away, and was surprised at how weak I felt. Brittle.
It wasn't just my eyes. The corners of my mouth were caked with unfortunate drool. My tongue was a fat snake pressed against my teeth, which felt loose. A puff of breathe drifted up, and back down into my nostrils. I almost gagged at the stench.
Slowly, I rolled over.
A pony sat beside my bed. A pony with white fur, wearing a golden crown and other assorted jewelry. “Hello, Twilight,” Celestia said.
The coldness of her tone was startling. I tried to remember a time I'd heard her speak that way- I couldn't.
“H-how long-”
“You have been asleep for nearly 68 hours.” I swallowed. Almost three days- no wonder I was in such horrible shape.
Celestia got up and paced alongside the bed. “The doctors say you over-exerted yourself magically, more so than anything they have encountered before. Though I suppose,” she muttered, “You would have had to.”
“What do you mean?”
Celestia looked up at me, sharply. “How much do you remember?”
How much did I-
Did I remember...
I remembered.
The flash. The darkness. Somewhere different than where I was supposed to be. The sudden shifting of the world. And below, me. A me. And more mes. And blood, writing on the walls. And then the pain...
“Everything,” I croaked.
Her expression softened slightly. “I am sorry,” she said. “No doubt it was an unpleasant experience.”
Yes, it was.
I thought about my escape, all that it took. A flash of rage boiled up as I remembered my last thoughts before passing out. “Y- you know what I saw,” I accused. “You know what that spell does!”
She kept pacing. She couldn't even look at me. “Yes.”
I forced myself to sit up. I had to push myself back, so I leaned against the headboard. “Why?” I asked. “Why is- why does it- and you... Why use it? Why-” I choked. My voice failed me for a minute, and I bit the inside of my cheek. Muscles all over my body curled on themselves, and I fought to keep from screaming. Finally, quietly, I said, “Why teach it to me?”
Celestia stopped. Her head bowed, and I heard her breathe. Slowly. In and out. Then-
“They have cleaned the remains of your clone off the floor. The witnesses seem to be mostly all right, as most have no understanding of what transpired. Those few of greater sensitivity have been referred to competent therapists. Soon, this will be forgotten. The dinner rescheduled, life will continue on.” She paused. “But for you and I, it will not be quite so easy.”
Celestia turned away and trotted towards the door. “You are hereby confined to these quarters, until such time as I say otherwise.”
“Pardon?”
“Any attempt to leave will be met with force. I cannot stop you from using other, more mystical means to move yourself-” My breath hitched as I realized she was talking about teleporting- “But I sense you will not do so.”
Princess Celestia opened the door, and walked out. She didn't look back. She didn't say anything to comfort me, or lessen my discomfort. She was gone.
“Celestia?” There was no response. “Celestia!” I called. Then louder. “Celestia! Tell me why! Please, tell me! Tell me why! Celestia! Celestia!”
Hours passed. A guard entered the room and dropped off a bag with a toothbrush and paste, and also a bucket. I tried getting out of bed, but I was still too weak.
Another hour, and I was brought a meal. Soup. I was spoon-fed like a foal.
The guard was silent the entire time. I tried asking him questions- mundane things, about the soup, about his home.
He said nothing.
Finally, I asked him, “Can I see the princess?”
He glanced at me, then ever so slightly shook his head.
I threw my hooves up. “But I have to! There are things I need to understand, questions that need answers! After everything I saw-”
I broke off. He had gotten up and was leaving. With the soup.
“Hey!” I complained.
“I'm sorry, your highness,” he said, “But Princess Celestia told me to leave if you tried to talk about... whatever happened to you.” He bowed out of the room.
For a moment, I watched the door. It was unyielding to my gaze. I sighed, and lay down. I had to find out the truth. I owed it to myself.
To all my selves.
The nurse tapped my leg. Reflexively, it kicked. She took my temperature. Checked my ears. Ran her hoof over my wings. All in silence.
Finally, she stepped back.
“Try and walk,” she said.
I took a breath. Two more days of recovery later. I learned my lesson after the first night and kept my mouth shut. When a guard- a different guard- brought me breakfast, the only thing I told him was that I was still hungry. After that, I was given more food. At every meal.
Celestia was upset, that much was obvious. I didn't fully get it- she knew about the spell, and what it did, and yet she allowed it. Propagated it. And now she was upset that I had thwarted its side effects and come back. She was upset that I was looking for answers.
But she was apparently concerned enough for my well being that she was okay giving me extra food.
It allowed me to get my strength back; I no longer felt as tired. I was ready to do as the nurse asked.
Slowly, I slid off the side of the bed. My hooves plunked into a plush throw rug. My weight settled on them.
For a scary moment, my knees wobbled. But then they held. I sighed in relief.
The nurse only nodded. “You seem to be doing just fine,” she said. “Another day or so of rest and you'll be back to your old self.”
A hissing chuckle escaped my mouth. My old self. How ironic.
She glanced at me, but made no comment. Picking up a clipboard, the nurse checked off some boxes and scribbled a note. It was only then that it finally registered- she was a unicorn.
“Do you teleport?” I blurted.
The nurse paused in her writing. “Once,” she said after a moment, “For an emergency. I felt strange afterwards, though, so I haven't since.”
I let out a large breath. “I'm sorry,” I muttered. “I'm so sorry.”
“What?”
“Er- nothing,” I said hastily, remembering the guard. “So I'm healthy? I can leave?”
“I'll pass on a report to the princess,” she said. “By the time it makes it through the levels of bureaucracy, you should be fit to go.”
With that pronouncement, my nurse left me. I stood next to the bed, swaying ever so slightly. I thought about walking over to the door and trying to leave, too. I thought about opening the window, and flying back to Ponyville.
Instead, I wobbled horseshoes around the room for a few minutes, then got back in bed. One more day of rest, I promised myself. Then, answers.
It was late afternoon. I was devouring a sandwich delivered by yet another guard, and searching the shelves of the room for a book of sufficient interest. That's when the doors creaked open.
They swung open completely, and standing on the other side was Celestia. “Come,” she said. “Let's take a walk.”
I followed her out in the corridor. I wanted to berate her, bombard her with questions. Mostly the same question, over and over. But instead, I stayed quiet.
After a bit, we reached the Hall of Stained Glass. The windows told the history of Equestria in colorful shards. Not all of it was good. But nowhere did it show anything like what was now inside my head.
Celestia came to a stop in front of a familiar display. Six ponies- myself, and my friends- defeating a mish-mashed creature with the Elements of Harmony. I stopped, too. I stared at the image, remembering a much simpler time.
“I am truly sorry,” Celestia said suddenly. “I know that I haven't been easy on you these past few days. I've treated you like a prisoner.”
“Yes, you have.” I saw no reason to sugarcoat the situation.
She winced. “In truth, I haven't been sure how to act. What you've been through- it's like nothing that has happened before.”
“But you know.”
“Yes.”
I waited for more, but nothing came. Her eyes remained locked on the window. “How?” It wasn't the question I most wanted answered, but it would serve. If she told me the truth.
After another minute, Celestia sighed. “Twilight,” she asked, “What do you know about the teleportation spell?”
“Besides the horrible things I learned this week?” Her mouth twitched, like she wanted to smile at my sarcasm. But she didn't. “Not much,” I admitted.
“And for good reason. Much of the spell's history has been... censored, for lack of a better term.” Celestia took a deep breath. “The original creator of the spell was a mage named Noteweaver.”
I thought back to my old studies. “I've never heard of him...”
“As I said, censored. Though you may know his birth name- Tuner Rosin?”
“Sorry, no.”
“He invented Equestria's first fiddle. I imagine your friend Applejack would know him.” Another hint of a smile.
“Probably,” I admitted. “So he was a musician? There's a lot of correlation between music and magic.”
“Indeed. Noteweaver was among the first to realize this, some eighteen hundred years ago. Yes, Twilight, I am that old.” I blushed. Celestia had seen the question on my face. She continued, “He saw the world in a different way than most ponies. It allowed him to uncover a secret no one else could- the secret of how to move matter from one place to another, instantly.”
“So you were there when the spell was first created,” I reasoned. “You've known what it does from the very beginning.”
“Yes and no.” Celestia finally turned away from the glass draconequs. “Noteweaver's spell is not the spell you know. His spell was far simpler- merely displacing a pony from this world for a split second, before returning them in a different place. The things that you witnessed... they did not exist.”
I frowned. “So then... the spell was changed. Why?” I asked again. “Why would anyone create a spell that could do... that?”
Celestia's breath rattled. The multi-colored light shining through the panes made lines across her regal face. For once, she truly seemed old. “One thousand years ago and more, many dangers threatened Equestria. My sister and I, with the aid of Starswirl the Bearded, confronted each, and made the land safe to live in. We brought peace... again.”
I sensed that I shouldn't speak. Her eyes were as glassy as the window. She wasn't looking at it anymore- she was looking at the past.
“Once upon a time, my sister and I were not the rulers of Equestria. We were alicorns, true, but we were no different from the other ponies. We lived, we worked, we laughed, with them. Then came the winter- the eternal winter, that the pegasi could not stop. We were forced to leave our homes, and travel to a new land. This land,” she said. “It was here that the magics of friendship and harmony were discovered, and the Windigos destroyed. But my sister and I wondered- where did they come from? No pony knew.
“Many years later, Tirek and Scorpan arrived. They told tales of lands from the far south, where beasts unlike anything seen in Equestria roamed. Horrible chimeras of every shape and size. It wasn't long before those beasts wandered north. The Bugbear,” she said pointedly. “The manticore. The cockatrice. They were plagues on our borders. We did our best to repel them.
“And then the ruler of the Crystal Empire became a tyrant- cursed with shadows in his heart. My sister and I banished his essence to the frozen north.
“And then Discord appeared. A being of pure chaos, so powerful he nearly destroyed our world without trying. So we encased him in stone.
“And then-” Celestia broke off. “And then Luna became Nightmare Moon. And I banished her.” I almost gasped when I saw it- the single tear fall. I had never seen Celestia cry. “I thought it would be better, after all these years... but it still hurts. Knowing that... that it could've been stopped.”
“What-”
Celestia went on. “And then, the Everfree Forest grew. There had always been a forest around our castle, but now it became wild and untamed. The chimera beasts made themselves at home. The normal creatures fled. And so did I. I fled here, to Canterlot, and created a new castle.
“But that castle was not this castle. The first palace was destroyed, during a battle with the monster known as Grogar.”
I started. “But- that's just a story. A myth for children!”
“No,” Celestia whispered. “Grogar was all too real. He tried to use the Elements of Harmony for dark magic- he planned to destroy every single pony in this world. He is the reason I locked the Elements away, and passed them into myth and legend.”
I shuddered. “Understandable, I suppose. But I don't understand- what does all of this have to do with the teleportation spell? A lot of bad things have happened in Equestria, but how does that fit with what I've just been through?”
Celestia hesitated. “It... It's unnatural. Everything in Equestria's past, is unnatural. And so is the spell,” she said. “Moving matter that way? It should not be possible.”
“But is was- is.”
“Unfortunately, yes. Twilight,” Celestia emphasized, “Every use of the original teleportation spell created more and more chaos. And chaos, like harmony, is magic. After a while, after so many teleports, that magic had consequences. It created something... many somethings.”
Suddenly I felt sick. Things began to shift into place- pieces of a picture horrible enough that I wanted to not think about it. “All the dangers we've faced... They've all been caused by that spell?”
Celestia nodded. “Starswirl realized after we defeated Grogar- it was a cycle. Teleportation creates chaos magic. That magic spawns new life. That life is chaotic, and tries to destroy the peace in Equestria. Always. So we destroy it. And then the magic begins to build again...
“But we couldn't simply ban the spell. It was too useful, to widespread. We needed to simply change the spell.”
“So you-”
“Yes,” she said simply. “We couldn't risk another monster rising. We altered the teleportation spell to contain the chaos energies outside of Equestria. That is why there are pockets of space inside the void. But the energies can only be contained by a living being. Something had to remain behind, each time.
“But that would condemn it to death. And over time, the death would accumulate. Any being who teleported would see, and be horrified. So the being who came into the pocket could not leave.
“In the end, it was perfect- one pony goes into the pocket. The spell creates a duplicate, with all the memories of the original at the time of casting. The original's magic transfers to the duplicate, and the original becomes a vessel for the chaos magic created. When they die, the magic dies with them. The duplicate returns to the real world, indistinguishable from the original.”
I felt that flash of anger again. “But what about the original?” I spat. “What about all the pain and suffering they go through, every time?”
“The original never came back,” Celestia said, almost to herself. “No memories of the horrors returned to Equestria. Until now.” She tensed. “I was almost able to forget...”
She turned and looked at me. “I know you're angry, Twilight. But I also know you listen to logic, and reason. So listen when I say: it is necessary. Because if the chaos of teleportation were ever unleashed into Equestria again, it would create something even worse than Grogar. I know that you and your friends are resourceful. I do not doubt that you could defeat such a thing. But at what cost? Our responsibility is to all of Equestria. The suffering that any of our past selves endure is nothing compared to the guilt we would carry if we allowed the ponies under our care to suffer instead.”
“But some of them are suffering!” I protested. “Any pony can learn that spell, and then they'll- they'll-” I was shaking, I realized. I forced myself to be calm. “My nurse even teleported once,” I murmured.
Celestia shook her head. “There is no easy answer. There never is. And this one was harder than most, even for me. But I see no better way forward.”
Unfortunately, neither did I. Not yet. Teleportation was a large part of Equestria. It couldn't be simply taken away. And she was right- we couldn't allow chaos magic to create another monster, not if we could help it. Still...
“I'm going to find a way,” I decided. Celestia looked at me, one eyebrow raised. “I'm going to make a new spell. One that doesn't have negative side effects. I don't care if it takes me another thousand years, my whole life! I'll find it.”
Finally, she smiled. Celestia regarded me with the same tender care I remembered from when I was a filly. “If anypony can, it's you. After all,” she chuckled, “You escaped the pocket world. Something I would have thought impossible.”
“It wasn't just me,” I said automatically. “It was... another me. All the other mes. They figured it out.”
“Ah. Of course...”
There was a moment of silence as we both thought about them. I thought about one, in particular. The last one. She might have killed herself, getting me out of there. I thought about the driven look in her eyes. The same as my own.
“Am I still Twilight?”
“What's that?” Celestia looked at me, surprised.
“Am I still Twilight?” I asked again. “I have all the memories of Princess Twilight Sparkle. But am I her? I was created the previous time a pony who looked exactly like me and had my memories decided to teleport. Am I... Am I Twilight? Or am I somepony new?”
“You are you, Twilight.”
“But... but I haven't existed! I was created, and so were all the others before me. The only real Twilight was a filly, the first one to teleport! And she's long dead. So what am I?”
Celestia grabbed my chin. “Twilight- you are you. Every one of them was you. They might have become something else after you became you. But while they were here, they were you. And you are them. It's all the same. The you that is here now is the real Princess Twilight Sparkle. Just as I am the real Princess Celestia. We have all the memories of our previous selves, and we have the memories that we have created. We are us.” She pulled me into a hug, and I did not resist. It was exactly as I remembered- warm, and safe. I relaxed.
“I am Twilight,” I murmured. “I am Twilight.”
Yes. I am Princess Twilight Sparkle. Some day, I may not be. An accident, a moment of forgetfulness, or just pure bad luck, and I might become another vessel in a pocket world. There would be a new Twilight, but she would be the same as the old one. But I was Twilight now.
And that was all that mattered.