Equestria, where the friendship is magic and the romance is probably also even more magical. Well, usually. Sometimes, not so much.
Once upon a time in a universe far, far away, two or three or five or some nonzero quantity of magic diminutive horses came together and fell in love and then unfortunately produced offspring who chronicled the way in which their parents met.
CHAPTER 1 With a flourish of velvet fluttery veil that is the Great and Powerful Tristan's fabulous speckled cape, the monstrosity that is the dark and evil incarnation of nightmare infused, physical embodiment of greed himself, Spikemare, finds himself face to snout with a particularly loud and boisterous unicorn stallion barging his way into his most sacred of chambers.
"Spikemare, you dastardly and most evil creation that hath ever seen the light of yonder day, thy reign of terror doth find thyself nay but a barest trace before its ultimate demise!" This assertive and very obnoxious intruder into the being of supreme crack fusions' only safe haven of the world claims with another unnecessary wave of his ridiculously luminescent cape, causing the Spikemare to shut a single eye with nothing but the most perverse sense of impatience.
Less than another few pronunciations of his many, many reasons for barging into the Spikemare's resting cauldron, the still rambling and hardly-persuasive Tristan feels a black clawed hand wrap around his snout, jamming it closed and ceasing the onslaught of endless commentary in a skittering sssss.
"Tristan. For the last time, stop trying to provoke me while I'm shitting. Besides, you had me at 'Nay'. Now go wait on the bed." The ultimate and commanding dragdemon told his insistent and frisky stallion, whom nods his head with the eagerness of an equally impatient and buttdacious stallion.
And then they had sex. It was nice.
Waifu Thief Flash Sentry and Private Eye Twilight Sparkle Meet for Coffee. Coffee Intensifies.
CHAPTER 2: “Well, well,’ Flash grinned. “What have we here?”
“I called you here, Flash.” Twilight gave a weary grin.
“Ah, but where is the fun in not having fun?” He grinned.
“Always a charmer, Flash.” She took a solid drink of coffee.
“Heh, I try.” He had a seat. “So, why the sudden call?”
“A case,” Twilight gave a weary smile. “Always a case.”
“Heh, you never change, do you?”
“I have a job.” Twilight downed her drink and signaled the waitress.
“Always your job, eh?”
“It’s my life.”
“You know, it doesn’t have to be this way. Just because you got canned from the force-”
“You’re charming, Flash, but not that charming.” Twilight downed another cup and gave a hoof curl to the waitress.
“Fine, fine.” He leaned back and gave a happy smile. “We’ll always have Paris, won’t we?”
“Yeah.” She sounded sad.
“So, how can I help hard boiled detective Twilight Sparkle with her case?”
“Where were you Thursday night, last week?”
“This is about Sunset Shimmer, isn’t it?” Flash’s face grew sad. “I said I would do anything to help, and I meant it.”
“I know. That’s why I’m asking.” Another coffee vanished into her mouth.
“I already told you, didn’t I? I was at the party all night. You can ask Timber.”
“I recall.” Twilight downed another cup. “Thing is, I did.”
“Yeah, and?” Flash frowned slightly.
“He cracked, Flash.” She put the cup down.
Flash didn’t move.
“He cracked, and told me everything once I tied him to the scene where she vanished at that party. He sold you out, Flash. Sold you out for a plea bargain...” She gave a weary, awful, smile, “...and a cup of coffee.”
Flash had turned deathly pale under his fur. Then, in an instant, he bolted. Silver cuffs in magenta light flew out to and pinned his wings shut and his hooves together, causing him to skid across the diner floor.
Twilight stared into her empty coffee cup.
“Why, Twilight?” Flash shook against his bonds. “Why - didn’t we have Paris?”
“We did Flash, and I’ll always treasure that.” She polished off the last cup. “You were my first love… but Sunset Shimmer was my waifu.”
CHAPTER 3 After a long day of delivering mail, Derpy Hooves needed a some time to de-stress, so she thought of visiting a friend who she knew had just the thing she needed.
"Berry Punch! Are you home?" Derpy yelled as she loudly knocked on the front door of Berry's home. After a few minutes of Derpy's continuous knocking, the door finally opened revealing the face of a very hung over Berry Punch.
"Ugh, what the fuck do you want?" She said while holding a hoof over her muzzle to keep the bright sunlight from blinding her sensitive eyes.
"I was just curious if you had your 'special recipe' finished," Derpy said. In deference to Berry Punch's hangover, she finished the last of her question with a whisper.
Berry then perked up "Oh! Yes I do! Come on in. I've been wondering if I could get someone to taste test it."
She then opened the door fully to allow the grey pegasus in.
Berry lead Derpy down into the basement of her home where several different mixing contraptions were at work combining different beverages.
"This is my latest concoction that I've been working on," Berry said as she handed a small flask containing a strangely colored liquid. Once Derpy took the flask, Berry then pulled out a notepad and began writing notes.
"Wow, this shits good!" Derpy said, smacking her lips.
"Okay, now is there any after taste?" Berry asked.
"No, not really, but should my throat feel like it's on fire?"
"That's usually how most liquors feel on their way down."
"Oh! Okay!" Derpy said as her misaligned eyes suddenly aligned and focused on Berry Punch. "Whoah, okay I didn't see that one coming, hehe. Oh wow, you look really good today Berry. Did anyone ever tell you that?"
"No, but thank you Derpy."
Derpy approached Berry with lidded eyes.
"Well you are looking as appealing as a lumber yard to a hungry termite." Derpy said as she approached Berry with a lovey expression.
"This isn't going as planned," Berry said as she was pinned to the wall.
King Sombra, Resurrected. Mrs. Cake. Slap, Slap, Kiss.
CHAPTER 4: King Sombra, recently resurrected and surrounded by a loyal cadre of brainwashed crystal minions, had never seen anything like it. Waves rippled out from the point of impact, flowing across the soft surface in mesmerizing, criss-crossing patterns.
"Ooooooo!"
He turned his red, magic-weeping eyes on his followers. Their dull expressions revealed nothing. He gave another, experimental poke. The lesser ripples were no less mesmerizing.
"Ahhhh!"
"Missus Cake," Sombra was proud of the way the chamber echoed his sinister, rumbling timbre all around, "are you truly so wanton?"
She just hummed in appreciation, trying to follow with her eyes as he stalked around her. With all the restraints, she couldn't follow far.
"Truly?" He swatted her shoulder, causing just the same ripply shocks as from less... polite areas. Somehow he made himself look at the lanky, yellow stallion in the corner, who was staring on with teary eyes.
"Oh, he's a total cuck."
"I AM NOT!" Shrilled the stallion. Even the dullards guarding the place flinched. Just a little.
The mighty Sombra looked down on the prostrate prodigiously plump petu- port- fuck it, mare. "It seems there's some dissention."
She shrugged and the other pony squawked. "I like adding a little spice to my sugar. If you know what I mean."
Sombra's grin slowly grew into a gleeful smile. He leaned in and claimed his new mare's lips.
When they finally parted, she was smiling too. "Somepony's... horny."
