> Lyra and Bon Bon's Odd Jobs
>  by Bronystories
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Laughing All the Way to the Bank
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ponyville was in the middle of the worst recession it had seen in decades. Stallions and mares were having a difficult time finding gainful employment, as there were hardly any jobs to be had anywhere. Amidst the uncertain economic times, a mint-colored unicorn and a cream-colored earth pony walked down a winding dirt road in search of new jobs.

Ponyville's cutest couple, Lyra and Bon Bon, were some of the hardest hit by the recession. When money gets tight, the luxuries of life are the first things to go. Lyra couldn't book any performances to play her harp. The lounges and nightclubs in Ponyville could no longer afford live entertainment in their businesses and had switched to the more economical option of prerecorded music. Repeated rejection had started to demotivate the mare.

As Lyra spent more time at home, it was up to Bon Bon to pay the bills. In spite of her best efforts, the mare's main career as a comedian was floundering,  In these depressing times, ponies needed a laugh, so comedians were in high demand. Even though this was her time to shine, Bon Bon was unable to make her act work, due to feeling depressed herself. She struggled to find the humor in everyday scenarios and lacked any enthusiasm to deliver them to an audience.

Without any new comedy gigs lined up, Bon Bon fell back on her childhood love of cooking. Even this was proving difficult, as her specialties, bonbons, were not big sellers. Bon Bon insisted on using only the finest ingredients in her creations. Pony's weren't willing to pay her high prices for fancy sweets. Before long, the couple's savings had run out, and they were in desperate need of money.

Lyra followed Bon Bon's lead as she steered them towards potential employment. As they walked, they continued their heated debate, which had been going on sporadically for weeks now.

"Quit your complaining," Bon Bon said, "I'm tired of watching you sit around the house all day."

"I'm sorry if the way I sit weirds you out," Lyra said, defensively, "Reclining  just feels better on my back."

"The way you sit isn't the problem," Bon Bon replied, "The bottom line is, we both need to find work. Fortunately for you, I took some initiative and got us both job interviews."

Bon Bon had always been the more pragmatic of the two. She paid the bills and wrote the checks. At least, she did when they had money. Lyra, on the other hand, could not be described as a self starter. Bon Bon had to motivate her marefriend to even agree to this job interview. In spite of these flaws, Lyra wasn't exactly lazy. When she felt passionately about something, there was no holding her back. Bon Bon sometimes felt like Lyra was a rocket. All Bon Bon had to do was light a fire under her marefriend. Once Lyra caught the spark, then all Bon Bon had to do was hold on and try to keep up

"But why have us apply at a bank?" Lyra asked, "I'm no good with fancy mathematics! If ponies were meant to count, we'd have been born with fingers!" Bon Bon ignored the allusion to Lyra's obsession with hands. Dwelling on it would only make things worse. 

"I'll be grateful for any job we can get," Bon Bon said, refocusing the subject. As they walked, Bon Bon tried to not lose her temper. She knew Lyra wanted a job as much as she did. Her marefriend just had a bad habit of occasionally shirking her responsibilities. Lyra looked at Bon Bon. She smiled back and said, "Being a grown mare is tough sometimes."

"Things were simpler when we were fillies," Lyra said, nostalgically, "Remember when we were little and we had our first lemonade stand? Now there was an easy way to make some money!"

Bon Bon smiled as she reflected on their past together. Little Lyra with her crazy get-rich-quick schemes and little Bon Bon always along for the ride.

"I remember wanting to turn our stand into a full-fledged restaurant," Bon Bon said, giggling, "I made box lunches with daisy sandwiches and a side order of hay fries."

"With a glass of fresh lemonade to drink," Lyra added, "We sold a ton of 'Lyra and Bon Bon's Famous Stuffed Boxes' that summer." 

The disharmony between the two mares was forgotten as they took a moment to talk about how happy their lives had been together. As they stepped out into a clearing, they saw a foreboding-looking white building.  It had large glass windows on either side of its glass front doors.

"Here we are," Bon Bon said as they reached their destination, "Ponyville Cryobank."

"What's a cryobank?" Lyra asked, "Do they mean like cryogenics?"

Ever the comedian, Bon Bon let loose with a couple bad puns.

"I bet they deal in a lot of cold, hard cash," the earth pony said, snickering, "This must be where they store frozen assets."

Lyra did a face hoof. She had never gotten her marefriend's unique brand of comedy, even when it was successful.

"A pony who would pun would pick a pocket," Lyra said in a deadpan voice.

"I'm sorry," Bon Bon said, wiping away a mirthful tear from her eyes, "I've always had a soft spot for bad puns. Besides, you love making terrible jokes as much as I do."

"There's a difference," Lyra said, "My jokes are funny. You go for the low hanging fruit." Bon Bon stuck her tongue out petulantly at her marefriend.

Suddenly remembering why they were there in the first place, the two mares looked up at the sterile and intimidating-looking building. Lyra and Bon Bon's careers had both been centered around entertainment, either through music or comedy. Neither were excited about fitting themselves into the mold of a bank teller. They wanted jobs that allowed them to express their creativity, but due to the demand for entertainers being at an all-time low, a job at a bank would have to do for now.

"Fun place to work," Lyra said, sarcastically, "If you're into mausoleums."

"All banks are supposed to look like this," Bon Bon assured her, "The sterile, clean environment lets everypony know that their money is safe here. Now we're going to go in there and put our best hoof forward. We need these jobs."

Lyra grabbed the door and took a deep breath.

"Oh, Lyra," Bon Bon said, quietly, "One more thing. Please, whatever you do, don't mention your theories about humans during the job interview."

Lyra gave a grimace.

"I won't," she said, smirking, "We've got to act normal, right?"

As the mint unicorn held the door open for her marefriend, neither of them realized they were walking in to Ponyville's only sperm bank. As they entered the lobby, they surveyed the bank's interior. there were lots of posters of happy families and mothers cradling their foals.

"Boy they sure amp up the family friendliness factor to eleven, don't they?" Lyra muttered as she glanced at the various displays.

The two mares were soon greeted by a yellow nurse pony with a striped-blue mane. Her cutie mark was a white cross with four small pink hearts in the corner.

"Hello," the nurse said, "My name is Coldheart. I'm the head nurse here at the Ponyville Cryobank."

"Why would a nurse work at a bank?" Lyra asked.

"Maybe she had no patients for her previous job!" Bon Bon said, unable to contain herself, "Sorry. That was bad." 
Lyra gave a face hoof and sighed.

"And you were worried about me embarrassing us," the unicorn whispered to her marefriend. Bon Bon blushed.

"It's alright," Coldheart said, humoring the mare, "In this profession, you get used to ponies poking fun at what you do."

Bon Bon had never considered the life of a banker to be that humorous, but as Coldheart talked about how many jokes were made about her career, Bon Bon began to get more and more excited.

"Maybe this is what my comedy act needs!" Bon Bon thought, "The humorous observations of a bank teller!"

"I'll bet working in a bank you have a lot of jokers coming in and asking for free samples." Lyra said. Bon Bon made a mental note to use that joke in her act.

"Not as many as you might think" Coldheart replied, smiling, "Now, what can I help you with today? Are you two interested in making a withdrawal?"

"How can we do that?" Lyra asked, "We haven't even deposited anything yet!"

"I wouldn't expect you to," Nurse Coldheart said, chuckling.

"Wow!" Lyra said surprised, "How do you stay open with a business model like that?"

"We're actually doing quite well," Coldheart said, proudly, "Business has been so good that we've even had to turn away several potential donations."

Bon Bon wasn't concerned about the bank's business practices. As long as they paid their employees, that's all that mattered to her at this point.

"Actually, we're not here today to open an account," Bon Bon said, "We were hoping to apply for the open job positions."

"Oh, of course," Coldheart said, "follow me." The nurse pulled out some application forms from behind the front desk and gestured for the mares to sit down at the table. When Lyra and Bon Bon had filled out their personal information, Coldheart discussed with them the particulars of their bank.

"I suppose you're familiar with what we deal in here?" Coldheart asked.

"I should be," Lyra said, confidently, "I handle the stuff every day."

"You-you do?" Coldheart asked, hesitantly.

"Oh, yeah," Bon Bon said, "We've had loads of experience generating it in our previous jobs."

Coldheart stared at the two mares awkwardly.

"Our first real exposure came when we were just little fillies selling our boxes on the street corner." Bon Bon said.

"Oh my," Coldheart said, blushing, "You poor dears, you were that desperate for money at such a young age?"

"It was actually kind of fun," Lyra said, "I remember our big break came when we sold our goods in front of this construction site." Coldheart's complexion went pale as the mares continued their story.

"The whole crew was hot and sweaty," Bon Bon added, "Those stallions were all hungry to get a taste of our boxes."

"They completely ate us out," Lyra said, smiling, "All of the construction workers blew their wads on our stuffed boxes until they were completely spent. We left them satisfied and made off with a ton of cash that day!"

After hearing such a lurid account, Nurse Coldheart's face burned crimson.

"So would we be assisting ponies when they come and make a deposit?" Bon Bon asked, "I've been told I'm great at customer service."

"It doesn't matter what openings are available," Lyra said, "We'll take any position."

Nurse Coldheart could tell when she was being mocked.

"We have no need of your services here," Coldheart said, indignantly, "This is not a whorsehouse. We're a respectable institution where stallions are paid to discretely provide us with samples."

"Samples?" Lyra said, "What kind of bank is this?"

"A sperm bank!" Coldheart snapped, "And I won't have you mocking this institution!"

Lyra and Bon Bon stared at the nurse as though a large weight had just hit them. Bon Bon blushed. She had never been so embarrassed. Lyra, on the other hand, couldn't help but burst out laughing.

"You got us applications to a sperm bank!" Lyra said to her marefriend, giddy with laughter. The unicorn looked at Nurse Coldheart, trying to keep a straight face.

"Do you guys give out a free toaster when somepony opens an account?" Lyra asked the nurse, "Or would a hot dog warmer be more appropriate? Pah ha ha!"

"If you're not serious about the jobs, then please leave," Nurse Coldheart said curtly. Recovering from her stunned silence, Bon Bon finally found her voice.

"No, please!" Bon Bon said, "We need this! It was all a misunderstanding. We thought this was a regular bank."

"You thought this was a... " Coldheart began, then burst out laughing herself. The nurse had never participated in such a farcical job interview before. Lyra and Bon Bon looked at each other awkwardly as Coldheart continued laughing. 

"Oh my, no," the nurse said, recovering from her fit of the giggles, "I totally had the wrong idea about you two." 

Lyra and Bon Bon glanced at each other, then smiled nervously at the nurse.

"Even though this isn't what you were expecting," Coldheart said, "are you still interested in the jobs?"

Bon Bon looked at Lyra. The unicorn returned her glance and gave a noncommittal shrug. Bon Bon inhaled a deep breath through her nose.

"Yes," she said, confidently, "We'll take the jobs."
> A Little Light Reading
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nurse Coldheart filed Lyra and Bon Bon's job applications with their Hoofed Resources (HR) department. The nurse asked the mares if they had any general questions about their new work environment.

"So, what are we supposed to do exactly?" Lyra asked, "Wave bye to the stallions as they leave and say 'thanks for cumming?'" Bon Bon smacked her marefriend in the back of the head to shut her up. Bon Bon wasn't a violent mare, but after their shaky interview, she couldn't afford for either of them to appear less-than-serious about this job.

"We'll start you out on collection detail," Coldheart said, "Just give the stallion a cup when he arrives and led him to a private room. When he finishes, collect the sample and freeze it in cold storage."

The mares followed Coldheart into the inner workings of the sperm bank. They walked past rooms filled with freezing agents and other chemicals. Other employees passed them in the hall, pushing carts towards the freezing rooms. The two mares were eventually lead to a hall with several doors. Along the opposite wall was a sink and cupboards, with small carts in front of them. Coldheart picked up one of the many empty cups that sat atop the carts.

"Samples are to be put in here," she said, showing her two new employees, "It has a lid that snaps on, to help ensure the preservation of the spermatozoa. From there you will place the cups on ice and send the samples to be tested for fecundity and other factors. Do you understand?"

"Sure," Lyra said, "Have the stud rub one out into a cup and put it on ice. Then wheel it down to quality control." 

Bon Bon had never felt more lost. She was quite confident when dealing with familiar surroundings, but was terrified in an unknown environment. That's why she enjoyed comedy. She observed the humorous aspects of things everypony was already familiar with. 

Working in a sperm bank was not what the mare thought she was signing up for. Bon Bon had mentally prepared herself for the menial life of a bank teller, not this. Fortunately, Lyra had caught the vision and was fired up about making this job work. As Bon Bon's marefriend examined the cart and drawers, she seemed to be on top of things.

"She likes being on top of things," Bon Bon mused quietly to herself. She giggled like a filly over her naughty humor.

Nurse Coldheart left the mares to their duties. Lyra finished familiarizing herself with the tools of her new profession. Bon Bon glanced at the empty cups nervously. Her vacant stare was interrupted as Lyra got her attention.

"Hey, Bons," Lyra said, "Think you'll be able to handle this?"

"I've never had to mess with stallion... stuff before," Bon Bon said, "But I should be fine."

"Good," Lyra said as she backed away, "I need to use the little filly's room. Hold down the fort while I'm gone."

"You're leaving me alone with this?!" Bon Bon asked, panicking.

"Just for a couple of minutes," Lyra said, reassuringly, "I bet I won't miss a thing." With a smile and a wink, the mare turned and headed towards the bathroom.

In an ironic sense of timing, as soon as Lyra turned the corner, a stallion walked down the hall and approached Bon Bon. His coat was the color of honey and his long brown bangs covered his forehead. The stallion's cutie mark was three bright blue horseshoes. It was Caramel. Bon Bon stared at the donor nervously.

"Welcome to the Ponyville Cryobank!" Bon Bon shouted awkwardly, as she gestured towards one of the rooms, "May I interest you in a Masturbation Booth?!"

As soon as the words left her lips, Bon Bon covered her mouth with her hooves. Her cheeks were beet red from embarrassment. The mare and stallion stared at each other, blushing. Caramel furrowed his brow and looked uncomfortable.

"I've donated here before," he said, sternly, "Most employees have the decency to refer to them as Sample Collection Rooms." Bon Bon felt mortified.

Caramel grabbed a cup in his teeth and headed for the door. Bon Bon inched away from the stallion as he walked past her and entered the room, locking the door behind him. Bon Bon sat alone in the hallway and wished Lyra would return. Her unicorn friend was always more open and confident when talking about sexual matters. Suddenly, there was a knock coming from inside the room, which caused Bon Bon to jump.

"Excuse me," Caramel said, "Could you bring me a magazine?"

"Sure thing," Bon Bon replied cheerfully, wanting to make a good impression on the donor.

"Now where would I find a magazine?" Bon Bon said to herself, "I've got it! Places like this always have magazines in their waiting rooms!" 

Walking back to the front of the building, Bon Bon spied several magazines on the waiting room table. There was a copy of Highlights for Foals, with all of the puzzles already solved with crayons, an Equestrian Geographic from ten years ago, debunking the 'Nightmare Moon Myth' and a medical publication for those in the cryobanking profession. 

The cryobank magazine had articles on advanced new freezing techniques and advice on how to increase the mortility rate of samples. The cover featured an illustration of a sperm cell against a starry background. The name of the magazine undercut its otherwise serious presentation.

"Sperm Bank Digest," Bon Bon said, reading the title aloud, "Hopefully he'll find this interesting."

Walking back to the donor's room, Bon Bon knocked on the door to get the donor's attention, then slid the magazine under the door. The stallion read the title and got excited.

"This looks good," he said, eagerly, "Thanks!"

Bon Bon stood by the carts and waited for Lyra to return. Before long Bon Bon's marefriend sauntered back around the corner to rejoin her.

"Anything happen while I was gone?" the unicorn asked.

"One donor came... I mean arrived! One donor arrived!" Bon Bon said, blushing. Lyra grinned at her marefriend's timidity.

"He's not finished yet," Bon Bon added quietly, as her eyes glanced towards the locked door, "I went to go get him a magazine." The aforementioned magazine came sliding back under the door.

"Is something wrong?" Bon Bon asked the stallion through the door, "You said you wanted a little light reading." Lyra stared at the cover of the scientific journal and did a face hoof. Bon Bon could be quite naive sometimes.

"Bons," the unicorn said, delicately, "He's not looking for some light reading. He's looking for some hard reading, if you catch my drift."

"You mean like a novel?" Bon Bon asked, obliviously, "How long does he think he'll be in there?"

"Is this some kind of joke?" Caramel asked, interrupting the mare's conversation, "I was expecting porn." Given that it was an unfamiliar work environment, Bon Bon was still a little slow to pick up on certain aspects of her new job.

"You thought I was bringing you porn?!" the earth pony said, horrified, "Why?!" Lyra gave an exasperated sigh.

"I wanted to read it for the articles," Caramel said, sarcastically. Lyra, who was more practical when it came to these matters, stepped in to take charge of the situation.

"All right, my good gentlecolt," the unicorn said in a stern voice, "What's wrong with the filthy magazines that are already in there?"

"They're too filthy." Caramel replied.

"What do you mean they're 'too filthy?'" Lyra asked.

"I mean the pages are stuck together!" the stallion said, disgusted, "I can't get 'em open!"

"Eww," Bon Bon said, her expression becoming queasy. Lyra let out a sigh.

"I'll be right back," the unicorn said, "We'll get ya' taken care of. Don't worry."

Lyra left Bon Bon alone again before returning with a library-style cart full of dirty magazines.

"Where did you find all that?" Bon Bon asked, simultaneously impressed and revolted.

"I meandered a bit on my way back from the bathroom and took an unsupervised tour of the facilities." the unicorn said. smartly. Lyra knocked on the door to get Caramel's attention. 

"Let's see," the unicorn said, levitating a stack of pornography, "We've got issues of Playcolt, Rustler, and Penthorse magazines. I also have The Big Book of Plot Holes..."

"Oh my," Bon Bon said as she picked up one of the magazines entitled Flexible Fillies and tilted it back and forth, examining an image from various angles, "Who knew Blossomforth could stretch like that?"

"What are you into, sport?" Lyra asked, "We've got stallion on mare, mare on mare, stallion on stallion..."

"Any...uh, b-big, muscular stallions?" Caramel asked, hesitantly, "with a mare, of course." Lyra chuckled. She found the closeted colt cuddler's shyness to be cute.

"You like 'em big, huh?" Lyra asked, coyly, "Well, I think I've got just what you're lookin' for, sport." Using her magic, the unicorn levitated a magazine with a solid black background and a suggestively bulb-shaped silver horseshoe on the cover. To the top right of the horseshoe was a tiny number five. The dirty magazine was known as The Fifth Hoof and featured erotic pinups of sweaty stallions. Lyra floated the gay porn under the door of the waiting donor. 

Lyra and Bon Bon shuffled their hooves and waited. When their eyes met, they blushed and looked away. Both mares tried not to vividly picture what was going on behind that door. It wasn't easy.

After a little while, the door to the room unlocked. The stallion came out and handed the magazine back to Lyra and gave Bon Bon the cup with his sample in it. The stallion was still embarrassed by the whole experience, and made it a point to not make eye contact with the two mares as he left.

"Just be honest with yourself!" Lyra called out as the stallion briskly turned the corner, "You'll feel better!"

"I think you made him uncomfortable," Bon Bon said, dishearteningly.

"What?" Lyra asked, skeptically, "I gave him what he wanted, even if he couldn't admit it to himself yet." Bon Bon stared at her marefriend awkwardly. She knew Lyra could be too pushy sometimes.

"Besides," the unicorn said, gesturing to the sample in Bon Bon's hoof, "It's hard to argue with the results."

"I suppose you're right," Bon Bon said, glancing at the cup, "But he still looked irritated."

"You'd be irritated too if two stallions stood outside your door and waited for you to finish tending your garden," Lyra said. The earth pony gasped as her face turned crimson. Bon Bon looked down at the cup in her hoof. She stared at the sample like it was a ticking time bomb that threatened to level the whole building. Lyra levitated the cup away from her marefriend and deposited the sample into the ice chest.

"That wasn't so hard," Lyra said, as she put a lid on the chest, "I think this job will work out just fine. How about you?" Bon Bon gulped, and nodded hesitantly.

"Workers Lyra and Bon Bon," Coldheart said over the intercom, "Step into my office." The two mares exchanged nervous looks.
> Equestrian Families United
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lyra and Bon Bon cautiously entered Nurse Coldheart's office. Their boss had two vacant seating pillows waiting for them in front of her desk. Behind the head nurse were shelves full of medical books and diplomas. Coldheart did not look happy to see them. To the left of her sat Caramel, who looked distraught.

"I've received a complaint about your unprofessional attitudes towards one of our donors." Coldheart said, sternly, "Caramel said you were hostile and belligerent towards him."

Caramel sat there, staring at the ground. Bon Bon looked at him with compassion. She tried to relate to what the stallion must be going through, but she couldn't. 

Bon Bon didn't see herself in a lesbian relationship. She viewed it as having fallen in love with her best friend. They had known each other since they were foals. Her best friend just also happened to be another mare.

Finding a special somepony was never an issue for her. She and Lyra had fallen in love with each other before either of them were old enough to know what romantic love really was.

Being ostracized from certain circles because of her same gender attraction was difficult for Bon Bon, but at least she had Lyra. Bon Bon's marefriend didn't care about what other ponies thought about them. It's only when those thought began to direct policies that there became an issue.

If Caramel was keeping his feelings hidden from everypony, including himself, Bon Bon thought, what must his life be like? Has he resigned himself to a life of loneliness?

"I don't need to put up with this abuse," Caramel said, bitterly, "I'm tempted to just stay at home and stick to online banking."

Lyra stared at Caramel with contempt. The stallion didn't return her gaze. He kept his head down, embarrassed. Lyra wasn't heartless. She would, of course, keep Caramel's secret; she just hated that she had to do it. No pony should ever be compelled to hide who they love from the world. She would never do that to Bon Bon. 

Now here Lyra sat, being reprimanded for something she considered to be a non-issue. She might lose her job all because Caramel lacked the balls to be honest with himself. The unicorn wanted to tell that cowardly colt cuddler where he could shove his complaints. Fortunately, for the sake of their jobs, cooler heads prevailed.

"Caramel," Bon Bon said, tenderly. The stallion raised his eyes to look at her. 

"We're sorry for how we treated you," Bon Bon said, apologetically, "We had no right to presume anything about your preferences. Please forgive us. It'll never happen again." Caramel snorted through his nose as he tried to compose himself.

"Alright," he said, nodding his head, "I accept your apology."

"I'm glad we were able to sort things out," Coldheart said, cheerfully, "Please do visit us again."

The stallion got up and left the room, exchanging angry looks with Lyra as he did so. The unicorn craned her neck to watch Caramel leave as the door closed behind him. 

"I hope you default on your next payment," Lyra muttered quietly to herself, as she stared at the stallion, "You closeted, two-faced..."

Coldheart loudly cleared her throat to get her employees attention. Lyra remembered that she wasn't out of the woods yet. The unicorn snapped her head back around to look at her boss.

"In all my years as director of this cryobank," Coldheart began, "I've never had employees who displayed such brazen callousness towards donors. Such conduct is inexcusable." Lyra and Bon Bon flinched, expecting to be fired on the spot. However, before their new jobs could be cut short, there was a knock at the door. A pegasus mare with a white mane and a dark blue coat poked her head into the office. Her cutie mark was a large, intricate snow flake.

"Yes, Frigid Wind," Coldheart said, in an icy tone, "What is it? I'm in the middle of reprimanding some employees."

"I'm sorry," the pegasus said, urgently, "But we need you right away. There are protestors outside!"

"Damn," Coldheart said, with a heavy sigh. The nurse looked at Bon Bon and Lyra, "You two follow me." As they left Coldheart's office, the three mares followed the pegasus to the front doors.

"I want you two to see this," Coldheart said as they trotted briskly through the corridors, "If you two want to continue working here, then you've got to learn fast that working in a sperm bank isn't all sexual harassment jokes and filthy innuendos. We deal with very serious issues."

"But protestors?" Bon Bon asked, confused, "Who would want to protest a cryobank?"

"Maybe parents had a problem with the bank installing an ATM within 200 feet of a school?" Lyra guessed.

"No. The protestors outside are part of a fundamentalist group known as Equestrian Families United," Frigid Wind said, in a frustrated tone, "They tear down all institutions they view as a threat to quote unquote 'traditional families.'"

"Equestrian Families United," Lyra repeated, "So their acronym is E.F.U. or 'eff you?'"

"Basically," Coldheart said, as they approached the door. 

A small crowd of mares and stallions had congregated  outside the steps of the cryobank. A few had brought their children with them. Unicorns levitated protest signs. Pegasi wore slogans which hung around their necks on poster board. One stallion was being hassled by the crowd as he tried to get away from the sperm bank.

"Poor Caramel," Bon Bon said sadly as she watched the abuse. The mares stared out the window as the stallion was jostled by the mob. They called Caramel names, saying he was a pervert and a paid clopper. The stallion eventually made it through the crowd and ran down the road, crying.

Three earth ponies stood on the steps of the cryobank, facing the mob. There was a stallion with a sea-blue coat. His thick mane was the color of seaweed and his cutie mark depicted three ovals that formed six points around a small dot. It looked like the symbol for an atom.

The mare had a white coat with a neon-yellow mane. Her cutie mark consisted of three yellow hearts forming a 'Y' shape. The tips of the hearts were facing each other, with a yellow dot in the center. All the images of her cutie mark had a black outline around them. It looked vaguely like the symbol for nuclear energy.

The other earth pony was a little filly who didn't have her cutie mark yet. She had a light-blue coat, with a curly golden-yellow mane.

"Who are these firebrands?" Lyra asked, gesturing towards the ponies on the steps.

"Those would be EFU's protest organizers," Coldheart said, dispassionately, "Atomic Faith and his wife, Radiant Hope. Now that Glowing Charity is older, the family has started including their daughter in their protests as well."

"Lovely," Lyra said, sarcastically.
The other dozen members of the cryobank staff had stopped working to look out through the large glass windows at the crowd below. As Lyra and Bon Bon read the messages on the protest signs, their stomachs started to churn. They had dealt with bigotry before. It was never right; no matter who it was against.

The protest signs of the crowd spouted inciting vitriol, with slogans such as: CRYOBANKS MOCK THE GIFT OF LIFE and CLOP IS MURDER.

The mother and daughter also wore poster board around their necks. Radiant Hope's sign said in big letters: PROTECT THE NUCLEAR FAMILY. Below the words was an illustration of a stallion and a mare, with a foal standing between them.
Her daughter, Glowing Charity, had a sign written in thick crayon that read: I KNOW WHO MY DADDY IS. DO YOU?

Nurse Coldheart had seen enough. Lyra and Bon Bon watched as their boss stepped outside to confront the protestors. The crowd booed the nurse as she approached Atomic Faith. The blue stallion smiled as he listened to the sounds of his tumultuous mob.

"You'd better have a permit to protest here," Coldheart said, trying to sound calm, "I don't appreciate ponies harassing my donors."

"Oh we have the proper permits," Atomic Faith said, as he pulled some papers out from behind his wife's poster board. The stallion handed them over to Coldheart, who read them thoroughly. 

"This is a troubled world we live in!" the stallion shouted, loud enough for the crowd to hear, "It's a sad state of affairs when you need a permit to protect the sanctity of traditional families!" That statement got  a huge murmur of support from the crowd. Lyra and Bon Bon looked over at their fellow coworkers. They shook their heads sadly.

After examining the permit and finding no flaws, Coldheart handed the notarized legal document back to the stallion.

"Oh nurse," Atomic Faith said, in a patronizing tone, "As long as you're out here, perhaps you'd be willing to answer a few concerns these good ponies have about your business?" Coldheart stood there and nodded that she would hear their questions.

"I know your PR department has done a brilliant snow job on the public," Atomic Faith said, patronizingly. He approached Coldheart in the same manner a hungry griffon approaches its dinner. When Atomic Faith got closer, he continued speaking, "Your ads focus on a happy husband and wife, who have a foal through your services. You paint your business as one that allows a mare and a stallion to get pregnant when they can't do it through conventional means."

Coldheart looked out into the crowd. All eyes were on her and the blue stallion. News vans had begun arriving to cover the protest. Erin Bro-nett from the Canterlot News Network and her crew were filming the whole thing. The nurse swallowed her fear, put on her most professional face and turned her head to stare Atomic Faith in the eyes. The stallion made a cocky smile.

"It's a rosy business plan to be sure," Atomic Faith said, "but it's not honest, is it?"

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean," the nurse said, coldly.

"Isn't it true that a majority of your clients are single mares not fit to raise a child on their own?" Atomic Faith asked accusingly, "You'll get any mare pregnant, provided she has the money. This sounds less like a reputable business and more like a Las Pegasus gigolo grotto."

"We do a thorough background check on all potential parents to make sure the child will be raised in a loving, stable environment."

"We're ponies," Atomic Faith said, dismissively, "Every home is a 'stable' environment." The crowd laughed as Coldheart started to sweat.

"I know at least one filly who might disagree with the effectiveness of your screening process," Atomic Faith said, smugly. The stallion's wife leaned next to Glowing Charity to remind the filly of her cue.

"Dear, go get your friend from school," Radiant Hope whispered to her daughter.

Lyra and Bon Bon watched as Glowing Charity took off her sign and ran down the steps to a pink unicorn filly standing in the front row. The pink pony was standing by two burly white stallions. 

"Who is she bringing up?" one of the workers asked.

"I don't know," Frigid Wind said, "I don't recognize the filly, but the two build stallions guarding her are Atomic Faith's muscle. Hard Peace and Tough Love are their names, and they provide security during the protest."

As the two fillies ran up the stairs, Erin Bro-nett whispered to her cameramare, "Get somepony with a microphone up there. We can't miss this."
> Fit Parenting
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lyra and Bon Bon watched as the two fillies ran up the steps of the cryobank. The little unicorn stood between Glowing Charity and her father. The pink pony was intimidated as she looked out over the large crowd gathered below her. Glowing Charity hugged her classmate in an attempt to comfort the frightened filly. 

"Remember," Glowing Charity whispered, "after the rally is over, my daddy promised to take us to the toy store." The pink filly nodded her head, though she still looked uncomfortable. Atomic Faith knelt close to the young unicorn. 

"Would you please tell us your name really loudly so that everypony can hear?" the stallion asked, politely.

"My name is Ruby Pinch!" the filly shouted, enthusiastically.

"Who do you live with?" the blue stallion asked, innocuously.

"My mommy." Ruby Pinch said nervously, as she shuffled her hooves.

"Do you have a daddy?" Atomic Faith asked, knowingly.

"No." Ruby said, innocently, "My mommy told me that she didn't need a daddy because I came from the magical baby bank!" This comment sent snickers and murmurs throughout the crowd. Atomic Faith raised a hoof to silence the protestors and encouraged the child to continue.

Lyra and Bon Bon watched this train wreck unfold as though it were happening in slow motion.

"This is bad," Lyra said, depressed. Bon Bon simply nodded in agreement. 

Nurse Coldheart stood there with her heart pounding in her chest, too stunned to speak. She wracked her brain trying to think of who this filly's mother was. She couldn't come up with anything. Her eyes flashed over to the news cameras, then back to the unicorn filly, then up to her cryobank behind them. Coldheart gave a loud gulp. With some coaxing from Atomic Faith, the filly was ready to tell her life story in front of everypony.

"The magical baby bank." Atomic Faith repeated, chuckling, "Does your mommy know where you are right now?"

"No" Ruby Pinch said, looking embarrassed, "She's having one of her sleepy headaches."

"Does she get these often?" the stallion asked, expressing mock concern.

"Yeah." the filly said, sadly, "Whenever she has too much of her special mommy grape juice, she acts really silly." 

"Does that make you sad?" the stallion asked.

"Sometimes," Ruby Pinch said, wincing, "But I still love my mommy!"

"Of course you do, sweetie," Radiant Hope interjected, hugging the unicorn filly, "Thank you for sharing your story with us. You're very brave."

"Thank you," Ruby Pinch whispered.

At Atomic Faith's signal, Hard Peace and Tough Love walked up the steps and escorted Ruby Pinch back down into the audience. The little unicorn had no concept of what had just happened. She also didn't realize the extent to which her story would cause problems for her family in the near future.

Having recovered from her initial shock, Coldheart found the will to speak again. She had dealt with these bigots in the past before. The protestors would stand behind the marked lines and harass the stallions and mares that came to visit the cryobank. No, Coldheart thought, Today they went too far when they used that poor, innocent filly as their puppet. 

The nurse stood before Atomic Faith in defense of her cryobank and decent ponies everywhere.

"Just when I thought you could stoop no lower," Coldheart said quietly, as her body shook with anger, "You just ruined that filly's life."

"I'm not the one who gets paid to knock up winos," the stallion calmly whispered, "That's your job. This cryobank makes unfit mothers out of mares. Any misery their foals endure is on your head, not mine. If I had my way, abominations like your bank would be shut down. They're a blight on the community."

"We have very different views about what practices are a blight on the community," Coldheart said, through gritted teeth.

"Clearly," Atomic Faith replied, casually. The stallion turned to face the crowd, and the news cameras.

"The story you've heard today is only one example of what's wrong with sperm banks," Atomic Faith said, "Unfit mothers are just a symptom of a greater problem. Buildings like the one behind me are tearing apart the moral fabric of Equestria by fostering countless broken homes, all for the sake of money." The staff of the cryobank slowly lowered their heads below the windowsill as all eyes in the crowd turned to look up at them. Coldheart stepped forward to speak her piece as she loudly addressed the crowd.

"Throughout Equestria there are fillies and colts living in poor conditions that need the help of Foal Protective Services," the nurse said, "While a small minority of these foals are born from artificial insemination, the rest come from standard mammalian reproduction. Blaming broken homes on the method of conception is a farce."

"I have statistics, too," Atomic Faith said, confrontationally, "And I can back mine up with sources. A recent study from the Equestrian Center for Marriage and Families found that more than half of sperm donor offspring were troubled by the circumstances of their conception, while an equal number were disturbed by the payments required for their birth." The staff peeked up from behind the windows just in time to watch Atomic Faith unleash his full righteous indignation on their workplace. 

"When life can be bought and sold, it becomes cheap," Atomic Faith said, evangelically, "The only way we, as a society, can hope to preserve the sanctity of life is by ensuring that it's exclusively created between a monogamous loving married couple." When the stallion spoke that line, a roar of cheers erupted from the audience. Ruby Pinch, who was in the middle of it all, shook with fear.

"Don't hurt my mommy!" the pink filly wailed. Her cries were drowned out in the din of the crowd as the two large, white stallions made sure Ruby Pinch stayed put.

"Shutting down sperm banks won't stop all unwed pregnancies," Atomic Faith conceded, "but it will drastically reduce the number of single mothers."

"What gives you the right to regulate parenthood?" Coldheart asked, indignantly, "Whatever happened to the parent's right to have a foal?"

"I value the dignity of the foal over the mare's 'right' to be a mother," the stallion said, churlishly, "Though I doubt a mare in your profession ever knows what the word dignity means." Coldheart blushed as she looked out into a sea of angry faces.

Inside the cryobank, the employees were wringing their hooves and cheering on their boss.

"Shouldn't we do something to help Nurse Coldheart?" one mare asked.

"Like what?" another worker asked, "Funnel all the samples into a hose and spray the protestors?"

"On the bright side, that would make them leave." the first mare added, smiling.

Lyra and Bon Bon held each other's hooves as they stared out the window. A tear ran down Bon Bon's cream-colored cheek.

"I'm sorry I got us into this," Bon Bon whispered sadly, "Working here was a huge mistake."

"Are you kidding?" Lyra asked, trying to buck up her marefriend, "This is the best job ever!"

"Really?" Bon Bon asked, surprised.

"Oh yeah," Lyra said, reassuringly, "What's the most exciting thing that could've happened to us if we worked at a regular bank? A robbery? Being held hostage by crazy fundamentalists is much more fun!" Bon Bon gave a reaction that was a mix of both crying and laughter. The earth pony leaned her head against Lyra's neck.

"You always know just the right things to say," Bon Bon said, lovingly.

"Only when you're around,"  the unicorn added, "When left to my own devices, I always manage to put my hoof in my mouth."

"And I'll always be there to help you out of trouble," Bon Bon said, as she rubbed her hoof atop of Lyra's hoof.

Back outside, the vitriol had reached a boiling point. Having dragged single mothers through the mud for long enough, it was time to up the ante. Atomic Faith stepped back to allow his wife center stage with a message that was sure to unite the crowd to anger.

"It isn't just single mares who use these facilities," Radiant Hope said, "Sperm Banks are a literal breeding ground for lesbian couples who want to get pregnant."

"Ut-oh," Bon Bon whispered, glancing nervously at Lyra. The unicorn's eye twitched violently.

"It bad enough what they do behind closed doors," Radiant Hope added, "but when filly foolers want to bring a foal into their home and expose the child to their debaucherous lifestyles..."

The front doors of the cryobank slammed opened as Lyra walked out to forcibly join the conversation. Her brow was furrowed and the back of her neck tingled. Bon Bon followed her marefriend outside, timidly.

"You got a problem with filly foolers?" Lyra asked loudly.

"Whatever happens," Erin Bro-nett whispered, "Don't stop filming."
> Storm of Hatred
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

As Lyra marched out to confront Radiant Hope and the rest of the protesters, she reflected on her earlier conflict with Caramel. She wasn't really angry with the stallion. Lyra didn't hate closeted ponies. Caramel's cowardice was just a byproduct of the overall intolerance that was plaguing their society. Her anger towards the stallion stemmed from living in a world where a large percentage of the population still considered same gender attraction to be a mental sickness. Lyra was determined to give this holier-than-thou hellcat a Clydesdale-sized piece of her mind. 

Lyra and Bon Bon stood between Atomic Faith's family and Nurse Coldheart. Radiant Hope shielded her daughter from the mares as though she feared their lesbianism was a communicable disease. Numerous murmurs and boos rose from the crowd as Lyra stared down Radiant Hope. 

Atomic Faith managed to keep a stern exterior, but on the inside he was doubled up with giddy excitement. He had managed to use Ruby Pinch as an example of a foal raised by an unfit single mother. The added bonus of getting a lesbian couple on stage during the climax of their speech was more than Atomic Faith could have hoped for. The news cameras kept rolling as the father approached the two mares.

"It's not surprising that a pair of lesbians would want to work at a sperm bank," Atomic Faith said loudly, as he put a hoof around his wife's shoulder, "It enables the filly foolers to keep in close contact with the only part of a stallion they'll begrudgingly admit they need. His seed."

With that line, a lot of the stallions in the crowd began to laugh and jeer at the mares. Some gave each other hoof bumps or exchanged winking nods.

"Actually," Lyra said, shouting above the noise, "I just work here for all the free porn I can read."

The laughter from the stallions died quickly. They may have been closed-minded bigots, but they weren't complete prudes. Even if if they didn't agree with the mare's lifestyle choices, the stallions in the audience still had to respect somepony who took a job to get unlimited free porn.

Atomic Faith was visibly shaken that Lyra had managed to silence the crowd. It unnerved him that another pony here possessed such a commanding presence. Glowing Charity cowered behind her father, shaking like a leaf.

"Daddy!" the filly said, "Protect me from the gayness!"

Leaving the other members of her family behind her, Radiant Hope approached the mares, eager to start a fight.

"So be honest," the mother said, as she sauntered up to the unicorn, "Did you two start working here for the employee discount? Do they have a special deal for lesbian couples who want to get knocked up together? Buy one turkey baster and get the second one free?" The crowd laughed uproariously as the mother gave the mares a smug smile.

Lyra raised her right arm with the underside of her hoof facing upwards and extended it out towards Radiant Hope.
"What? Do you want to shake hooves?" the mother asked, "Forget it. Between your personal life and your work environment, there's no telling where your filthy hooves have been."

"I don't want to shake your hoof," Lyra said, straining. Tears of frustration formed in Lyra's eyes as she continued to hold her hoof out, "It's just that at times like these I really wish I had fingers. I'd only need one for this..." 

Bon Bon was one of the few ponies in attendance who knew what Lyra was talking about. As part of Lyra's hand obsession, she had studied with a group of griffons to learn the different uses for fingers. She was one of the only ponies alive who could fluently read sign language. At her insistence, the griffons also showed Lyra several obscene hand gestures; one of which she was currently attempting to recreate, without much success. In spite of the improper presentation, the sentiments behind the gesture resonated through every fiber of Lyra's being.

"You want fingers?" the mother laughed at the unicorn's peculiar quirks, "You poor thing. I guess you're just doomed to spend your life longing after things you were never designed by nature to have."

As Bon Bon stood listening to this abuse, she knew she couldn't let Lyra wage this battle alone. This fight for love and tolerance was as much hers as it was Lyra's. Bon Bon stepped forward, standing in lockstep with her marefriend. The earth pony was determined that they would weather this storm of hatred together.

"Now there's a riddle for the sphinxes," Radiant Hope mused to her fellow protesters, "Who makes a worse mother? A pair of sober lesbians or a  single drunken mare?" Chuckles and murmurings rumbled throughout the crowd that sounded like thunder. To Ruby Pinch, who was trapped in the midst of it all, the sound was scarier than any natural storm. 

"You can say what you like about me and Lyra," Bon Bon said, her face growing red with anger, "but I won't stand silently while you slander a mother who isn't even here to defend herself!"

"Of course she isn't here!" a stallion shouted from the crowd, "We weren't giving out free booze!" The rest of the protesters laughed. Ruby Pinch, realizing there was no escape for her, curled up on the ground and silently cried.

"I don't know Ruby Pinch's mother personally, but I'm sure she's a better parent than you'll ever be." Bon Bon said. She came to this conclusion after she heard Ruby Pinch speak. For all of the mother's flaws, she had still managed to raise a filly who was kind.

"I see you're as poor a judge of parenting skills as you are at picking life partners," Radiant Hope said, dryly, "Her mother, Berry Punch, is a raging alcoholic who's one step closer to having her filly taken away from her for good."

"She's still done less harm to Ruby Pinch than you've done to Glowing Charity." Bon Bon said, "Berry Punch only poisons her body with wine, while you've poisoned your filly's mind with the same hate and intolerance that has corrupted you and your husband. You've taught your daughter to fear those who are different from her."

"Not having a foal of your own, you can't comprehend the full lengths a mother will go through to protect her filly from evil influences," Radiant Hope said icily to Bon Bon, "Do you hope to be a mother someday?"

"Leave her alone!" Lyra said, stepping in front of her marefriend to protect her, "You should all just get the buck out and mind your own damned business!" Lyra's horn began to glow. The white mare took a hesitant step back, fearing for her safety.

"Lyra stop," Bon Bon said softly. Resisting the urge to start melting faces, Lyra listened to her marefriend and stopped. 

Bon Bon had often thought about becoming a mother someday, but she wanted to have a commitment ceremony with Lyra first. They didn't need it to prove their love to each other, she just wanted to make sure everything was nice and legal if foals were to enter the picture.

"I think it would be wonderful to raise a foal," Bon Bon said, blushing. Lyra gulped. The two mares had never seriously talked with each other about the prospects of starting a family before. 

Lyra considered herself to be an immature little filly trapped inside a mare's body. Bon Bon had a hard enough time cleaning up after the two of them. The unicorn didn't know how her marefriend would be able to clean up both their messes and keep up with a foal, too. Putting her own childish tendencies aside, Lyra felt compelled to support Bon Bon at this crucial juncture.

"You bet your ass we want foals," Lyra said to Radiant Hope, with masked apprehension. Bon Bon gasped as her marefriend reciprocated her feelings. Unable to contain her joy, Bon Bon hugged Lyra around the neck and kissed her check.

The mares in the audience looked at Lyra and Bon Bon with disgust, viewing their love as something abhorrent. Some of the more salacious stallions who had just seen a peck on the cheek were secretly hoping to see things escalate into a full-fledged filly fooler make out session.

"Your desire for children is your natural motherly instincts taking hold," Radiant Hope said, optimistically, "It's a shame you're both suppressing some of your other natural instincts."

"Oh no," Coldheart said. She knew where this was going. Radiant Hope had used this tactic before on several lesbian couples who had come to the cryobank. It never ended well.

"You both long for a foal of your own," the mother said to Lyra and Bon Bon, "The fact that you both want something you can't possibly give each other should make you realize that what you're doing is wrong. Two mares weren't meant to be together; it goes against nature. Filly foolers can't raise a foal together any better than they can create a foal together."

These words sunk into Bon Bon's heart like an icy dagger. She knew they weren't true, but at the same time it was still difficult to hear. Her heart beat fast as she felt hundreds of judgmental eyes staring into her soul. Overcome with grief, Bon Bon broke down and started to cry. The lamentations of her marefriend sent Lyra into a rage.

"You self righteous bitch!" Lyra shouted at the mother. Her horn and eyes glowed with magical energy as she slowly started walking towards Radiant Hope.

Hard Peace and Tough Love watched anxiously for a sign to move in and tackle the unicorn. Atomic Faith never gave any signal, so the two stallions stayed put and kept Ruby Pinch from leaving.

"How dare you!" Atomic Faith growled at Lyra as he stepped forward to stand beside Radiant Hope, "Nopony talks to my wife that way, you filthy, foulmouthed mare muncher!"

Lyra wanted to make the pain and anger in her heart go away; but if she couldn't do that, she'd settle for frying the husband and wife's faces off with magic. She charged up her beam as a humming sound emitted from her horn.

"You don't scare me," Atomic Faith sneered, "You're not going to try something so stupid as to assault me in front of a news camera." What Atomic Faith failed to realize was, when Lyra got angry, her foresight was the first thing to go. She was seriously prepared to fry them both and damn the consequences. As she had to do was wait a few more seconds until she was fully charged.

"No delusional pearl polisher will ever be able to destroy the nuclear family!" Atomic Faith gloated, "My wife and I have a pure love that can only be felt between a mare and a stallion, and nothing will ever come between that love!"

At that moment there was a loud rumbling sound heard from overhead. Lyra stopped charging her beam and looked up. Everypony else in attendance also looked up. The rest of the cryobank  employees stood atop the bank. Frigid Wind held a small grey storm cloud in her hooves out over the edge of the roof. A string tied around the cloud connected it to a large balloon filled with a specific viscous liquid. The balloon was floating above Atomic Faith's head.

One of the cooling rooms had broken yesterday, rendering all the samples inside unusable. Instead of disposing of them in the conventional manner, the cryobank staff had 'pooled their resources' to create a makeshift liquid protester deterrent.

"We hope you enjoy this free sample, courtesy of Ponyville Cryobank," Frigid Wind said, "If I were you, I'd start running, before an errant lightning strike pops the balloon and you have a really bad day."

In the back of her mind, Nurse Coldheart knew this act would not endear their cryobank to the community. She decided not to worry about it for now, as the sight of the husband and wife paralyzed in fear was just too good to ignore. Atomic Faith and Radiant Hope couldn't move a muscle. They stood stone still and stared at the liquid as it sloshed around inside the balloon.

The crowd's respect for the family did not transcend cheap, sexual humor. Several of the protesters didn't care who it was, they just wanted to see somepony get humiliated. The thunder cloud gave another rumble and a flash of lightning crashed, missing the balloon. Radiant Hope and Atomic Faith both screamed at the top of their lungs. Without another word, they ran down the steps screaming. Frigid Wind gave the cloud a little push and it began following the couple from the air. Glowing Charity followed close behind her parents, trying to stay ahead of the balloon's range. 

The crowd backed up as the family approached them. The rest of the protesters were sure to give their organizers and the cloud a wide berth as they moved quickly past. Unsure of what else to do, Hard Peace and Tough Love hoisted the emotionally-exhausted Ruby Pinch and followed behind the balloon as its shadow cut a path through the crowd. The husband and wife ran as fast as they could over the hill, with the cloud in hot pursuit.

"Now I guess that's what you call a cum-uppance," Erin Bro-nett reported, winking at the camera. 

Once Atomic Faith had ran over the hill with his family and friends, the rest of the protesters turned back to look up the steps. Lyra was standing next to Bon Bon, with Nurse Coldheart to their left.

"How are we going to get the rest of them to leave? Bon Bon whispered to Lyra, "We don't have nearly enough semen or balloons."

"Leave that to me," Lyra said, as she put her arm around Bon Bon.

"Hey out there," Lyra called out, waving to the crowd, "Who wants to watch me make out with my lesbian marefriend?"

Instinctively, all the stallions in the audience raised a hoof. Their wives were shocked and insulted by their husband's vulgarity. All the mares turned to leave for home, taking their foals with them. Realizing the boneheaded mistake they had all made, the stallions followed cautiously behind their wives, apologizing profusely. 

As she watched the protesters leave, dragging their signs behind them, the full weight of the day's events finally hit Lyra, and she hated it.

"That's right!" Lyra said, crying, "That's right, run! Run, you hypocritical bastards! You only accept filly foolers when we make you horny! It's not fair. You don't treat ponies this way! Eff you, Equestrian Families United! EFF YOU!!!"

Lyra slumped down and cried. Bon Bon wrapped her arms around her marefriend and cried as well. Nurse Coldheart watched the protesters leave, before turning her head back to look at Lyra and Bon Bon. It had been a hard first day of work for the two mares.
> Hateful Fallout
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

As Lyra and Bon Bon headed back to work the next day, they walked in silence. The two mares hadn't spoken to anypony since the events of yesterday. Lyra was still furious with Atomic Faith, his wife and the rest of the close-minded protesters. Lyra thought to herself that the husband and wife were never properly punished for their hate speech.

Bon Bon, in contrast, was less concerned with the protesters and more concerned with the cryobank itself. Would they even have jobs when they arrived, she wondered, or would the bank be forced to close down?

As they approached the cryobank, it was eerily quiet. The silence was a stark contrast to the constant cacophonous din made by the protesters yesterday. As Lyra reached the top of the steps, she looked out over the open field. In her mind's eye, she could envision the ocean of signs; their hate-filled slogans burning into her brain. She gave a shudder as a chill ran down her spine.

Bon Bon had different emotional issues to deal with. She had stayed up late last night replaying Radiant Hope's words over and over in her head. Bon Bon thought of the conversation they had as she stared where Radiant Hope had stood before the baby batter balloon drove her away.

"We should have said more," Bon Bon lamented to her marefriend, "I could have said something to make them understand..."

"No you couldn't," Lyra said, curtly, "I've seen it more times than you, Bons. At the comedy clubs, ponies sit quietly and listen to your jokes. While in the strolling cafes where I worked, my music was just ambiance. The customers felt free to talk over me, so I overheard a lot of conversations. After hearing enough debates from stallions and mares, I came to realize that when dealing with bigots, there's nothing you can say that will change their minds."

"When Radiant Hope asked if I wanted to be a... a mother," Bon Bon said, timidly, "You tried to stop her from talking to me."

"I knew she didn't care about your feelings," Lyra said, bitterly, "No matter how you answered her question, it was just a stepping stone to her next talking point."

"It just feels like a wasted opportunity," Bon Bon said, "Something I said to her might have made an impact."

"The only impact that would register with them at this point is the impact of my hooves against their smug faces," Lyra said, as she clopped her hooves together, "You can't reason with ponies who refuse to change."

"So what can we do?" Bon Bon asked.

"Avoid them," Lyra said, bluntly, "and if they force their hate speech on you, don't try to reason with them. You talk back to them in the only languages they understand: Hate and violence."

Bon Bon's heart began to beat fast as her skin started to feel cold and clammy. She had never seen her marefriend so upset before, and it frightened her. Atomic Faith's entire family had an aura of negative energy that radiated from them, which now threatened to consume Lyra. Bon Bon knew she had to say something to save her marefriend from this hateful fallout.

"Lyra, please...," Bon Bon pleaded, "You mustn't hate. Only the unloved hate, and I'll never stop loving you."

Those words resonated within Lyra's soul like the peal of a bell. She realized what she had almost allowed herself to become. Lyra felt sick knowing that she had been willing to sink to their level and allow herself to be controlled by hate. Tears welled up in Bon Bon's eyes, as a lump formed in Lyra's throat. 

"I'm sorry," Lyra said, "I love you, too." The two mares leaned in close and kissed. They each promised themselves that they would never hate again.

Their affections were interrupted by Nurse Coldheart clearing her throat. Lyra and Bon Bon broke the kiss awkwardly and turned to see their boss holding the front door open.

"Would you two please get inside to do that?" Nurse Coldheart said, sternly, "Or would you rather stand out here posing for the next wave of EFU propaganda photos?"

Once Bon Bon and Lyra entered the cryobank, Nurse Coldheart instructed them to step into her office. They didn't pass anypony else on their way there, as Bon Bon and Lyra had arrived before the other workers were scheduled.

"I don't suppose either of you caught the news last night?" their boss asked as she opened the door to her office. Lyra and Bon Bon replied that they hadn't been paying attention. The two mares took off their saddlebags and sat down on the guest pillows.

"Did we make the news?" Bon Bon asked, apprehensively.

"Yes," Coldheart said as she wheeled out a television set, "and the early edition." Coldheart tossed a copy of today's paper at their hooves. Lyra and Bon Bon examined the front page story. There was a photo of the Equestrian Families United protesters, with the cryobank clearly visible in the background. Above the photo was a headline with a subhead, in big, bold letters: "JISM SCHISM Sperm bank loses face over wasted paste."

"It wasn't wasted!" Lyra said, "It was put to a very good use! And anyways, the stuff had already gone bad, so I don't see what the problem was. If anything, they should be praising us for recycling!"

Bon Bon skimmed the article. It presented Atomic Faith's family in a sickeningly positive light, saying how they were made the victims when their peaceful protest was interrupted by an aerial assault from militant lesbian feminists.

"Please tell me the news coverage is more positive than the paper." Bon Bon said, hopefully, "I don't know if I can take more bad news."

"Fortunately, we're dealing with Erin Bro-nett," Coldheart said, "She's a fair journalist who sympathizes with us." The nurse inserted a video tape into the VCR and pushed play. 

"And now for a story that made me say, 'seriously?!'" Bro-nett said, "Hundreds of ponies gathered outside Ponyville's cryobank to protest what they considered to be immoral practices; but what caused them to gravitate towards this issue instead of another? for example, there's currently a mass genocide of camels taking place in Horse-tralia, but this is what the protesters are riled up about? Moral outrage because of a sperm bank? Seriously?!" 

Bro-nett then proceeded to give a comprehensive report on yesterday's cryobank protest. Atomic Faith and Nurse Coldheart's names were mentioned. A clip was played from Ruby Pinch, with Bro-nett posing questions regarding the legality of her appearance. Lyra and Bon Bon weren't mentioned by name, but referred to only as 'two employees' of the cryobank. Bro-nett concluded her report with the climax of the protest.

"The confrontation came to a head when a container filled with expired reproductive material was set adrift by the staff of the cryobank. Floating above the heads of the protest organizers, the balloon managed to repel them away from the bank. Like a castle under siege, the sperm bank employees rallied together to defend their workplace against superior numbers. In spite of the staff's spunky attitude, the future of the Ponyville Cryobank remains uncertain. I'm Erin Bro-nett; Canterlot News Network."

"Uncertain future?" Lyra said, "What does she mean by that?"

"Yesterday was a public relations nightmare," Coldheart said, spelling things out simply for Lyra, "Ponies are accusing us of incompetence for losing the samples and abusing the gift of life by turning sperm into a weapon. The only reason why we avoided a lawsuit from Atomic Faith is because Ruby Pinch threatened to countersue him for foalnapping her." Nurse Coldheart paused and turned her head to look directly at Bon Bon.

"Ruby Pinch felt compelled to help us. Apparently, she was grateful to you, Bon Bon, for defending her mother when nopony else would," Coldheart said, "You have a kind heart; never lose it." Bon Bon and Lyra felt raw emotion stirring within them. Bon Bon turned to look at her marefriend. Lyra stared into her eyes.

"She's something special," Lyra said, lovingly. The nurse watched as the two mares leaned in and rubbed their noses together. While she didn't want to interrupt the tender moment, Coldheart was compelled to press forward to the next agenda item.

"Seeing as how you two helped escalate things yesterday," Coldheart said, "Do either of you have any ideas we can implement to recover from this fiasco?" Lyra and Bon Bon sat in thought for a moment.

"I've got it!" Lyra said, "How about a new ad campaign? One that will really rope in more stallions!"

"What did you have in mind?" Coldheart asked. 

"We'll market it as 'Cash for Cloppers!'" Lyra said excitedly. She then presented for Bon Bon and their boss a potential commercial for the new ad campaign.

"Stallions, are you tired of watching a fortune slip through your fingers week after week?" Lyra asked, "Do you enjoy having a firm grasp on your financial future? Would you like to learn how you can earn money hand over fist? If you're frustrated watching money go down the drain, then come donate today at Ponyville Cryobank! Ponyville Cryobank, where the 'S' in '$perm' is a dollar sign!"

Bon Bon clopped her hooves together in praise. Lyra bowed her head.

"Any questions?" Lyra asked.

"Yes," Coldheart said, bewildered, "What's a 'fist?'" Lyra lowered her head and let out a disgruntled sigh. Nopony understood her rich lexicon of hand-based idioms.

"Maybe we should run it by the rest of the staff to see what they think," Bon Bon suggested.

"We are the staff," Coldheart said, abruptly. Lyra and bon Bon exchanged shocked looks.

"Oh no!" Bon Bon said, "You had to fire them because of what happened yesterday?"

"No, worse," Coldheart said, "Because of their actions, I had to send the rest of the staff off to a week-long sexual harassment prevention symposium. You two were were excluded, since you didn't participate in the soaring semen scandal."

"But how can we keep up with the demand?" Bon Bon said, "We're just two ponies!"

"Even though it's only your second day," Nurse Coldheart said, "I can tell you're both committed to doing your due diligence here at the bank. That's why I've chosen you to be the first ones to test out our new... more efficient method of collecting samples. If this works, I assure you we'll be able to keep up with the demand." Lyra and Bon Bon exchanged nervous looks. They smiled at their boss, weakly.
> Odd Job Switching [Mature]
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lyra and Bon Bon were apprehensive, but they knew they had to be mature if they wanted to keep their jobs. The two mares followed Nurse Coldheart down the empty, semi-darkened halls of the cryobank. Since they were the only employees there, Coldheart chose to save on lighting where she could.

"I want you fillies to know what a tremendous service you'll be providing here today," Coldheart said. Lyra and Bon Bon gulped nervously. Providing service was exactly what they were afraid they'd be asked to do.

"This... 'more efficient' method of collecting samples," Bon Bon said cautiously, "What is it exactly?" The two mares were worried their boss had gone crazy and was maybe resorting to unethical means to increase the bank's supplies.

"I assure you it isn't anything sleazy," Coldheart said, "In spite of what the papers are saying about us, our facility is the height of medical propriety." In an ironic sense of timing, one of the dim lights overhead flickered as she spoke. Wishing to give her employees full disclosure, Coldheart addressed the issue of the lost samples with them.

"It's true that losing that room full of samples depleted our reserves and put us behind the proverbial eight ball," Coldheart said, "But not to worry. I had this room built for just such an emergency. With your help, we'll be able to make back what we lost in record time, and then some!"

Lyra and Bon Bon followed Nurse Coldheart into a well-lit room. A long conveyor belt stretched from below a slot in the far wall to the middle of the room. It reminded Bon Bon of the facilities at the cherry farm she visited when she was a filly. A frost-covered containment unit had been placed on one side of the belt.

Lyra examined the room. The walls, ceiling and floor were all spotless white. Aside from the conveyor belt and the portable freezer, there was nothing in the room. It was sterile enough to manufacture microchips. Nurse Coldheart gave her employees each a floppy, mushroom-like hat.

"Things will be happening fast in here," the nurse said,"We don't want any loose hairs getting mixed in with the samples." Coldheart instructed Lyra and Bon Bon to put on their hats and walk over to the cold storage unit. Bon Bon stood on the side of the unit closest to the far wall. Once they were standing on either side of the frozen container, the mares took off their saddlebags and waited for further instructions.

"Alright, fillies. Listen carefully." Coldheart said, sternly, "This is the F.A.P.P.I.N.G. department!"

"Fapping?" Bon Bon asked.

"Facilitates Advanced, Prompt Processing In Newer Generations." the nurse explained, "FAPPING." Nurse Coldheart walked past the mares and tapped on the far wall next to the little slot.

"We have a stallion in the next room whose contributions today will single-hoofedly save us from sperm bankruptcy," Coldheart said, "He'll put his samples into a lidless cup, which will travel beneath an electronic eye above the slot in the wall. The eye will scan the samples to test them for quality. All cups that pass inspection will continue along this conveyor belt. Your job is to take each sample and transfer its contents into a small glass vial that we use for long term storage."

Instructions bored Lyra. She crossed her fore-hooves atop a counter that jutted out from underneath the conveyor belt and rested her head. Coldheart walked back over to where Lyra was and asked her to step aside. The nurse pulled out from under the counter a large box filled with rows and rows of little vials, embedded in foam. Lyra used her horn to levitate one of the glass containers to examine it. A lid was screwed on top of the vial. Coldheart noticed Lyra looking at the blank label pasted on one side.

"We'll worry about labels later," Coldheart said, dismissively. "All samples are coming from the same donor, so there won't be any mix ups. Once the sample is sealed, place it inside the sperm containment unit. Do you understand?"

Lyra and Bon Bon looked at each other, then they looked at each other's floppy hats. The two mares turned to look at Nurse Coldheart. Lyra raised her hoof.

"I've got a question," she said, "Why the buck are we doing this?"

"Our bank must maintain a certain threshold of samples in reserves," the nurse said, solemnly, " After losing that room full of sperm, it's a number we're currently far from reaching. If we don't meet the goal soon, there could be a run on the bank! Believe me, there's nothing messier than being overdrawn at the sperm bank."

"But if we need more samples really quickly, why don't we just hire more employees and collect samples the traditional way?" Bon Bon asked.

"I couldn't hire any new workers now if I wanted to," Coldheart said, "You two applied for the only available jobs. All the other workers at the symposium are still employed here. I'm not going to fire them; but even if I did, I couldn't hire any replacements. The recession has gotten so bad, that a hiring freeze was instituted. That means you two are our last chance. If you can't squeeze out a victory, the cryobank could face default."

Bon Bon's stomach churned. Both of the mares were feeling under a lot of pressure, but unlike her marefriend, Lyra wasn't nervous. She loved competitions and was eager to see how fast she could do the job.

"One more thing," Coldheart said, "After the Health Department saw us on the news, they wanted to make sure that losing a room full of sperm was an isolated incident and not a sign of gross negligence. An examiner from the health department will be stopping by later today to inspect the facilities. He's going to check every room in the cryobank with a black light. If he finds one drop of semen in any of the rooms, he'll shut us down. Make sure there are no spills in this room or you'll both find yourselves unemployed. Is that clear?"

"Crystal," Bon Bon said. Lyra nodded her head, itching to get started.

"While you two are working in here," Coldheart said, "I'll be disinfecting the rest of the cryobank."

"Make sure you burn the magazines in the sample collection rooms," Lyra said. Coldheart nodded. She then instructed the mares to get ready and walked over to the slot at the far wall. Coldheart asked the stallion if he was set to go.

"Eeyup," he replied.

"Then let 'er roll!" Coldheart shouted before turning around and leaving the mares to their work. Lyra and Bon Bon tensed up ready to snatch up the cups as soon as they came down the line.

The conveyor belt slowly began turning as two small cups of semen passed underneath the electronic eye. A little light blinked green over each sample, indicating that it was valid.

Lyra casually levitated two vials out of the box and set one down in front of her marefriend. Bon Bon tried to pick up the vial and unscrew the lid, but it was slow going with hooves. Seeing her marefriend struggling, Lyra levitated the vial away from her and unscrewed the top.

"Thanks," Bon Bon said, sheepishly.

Lyra and Bon Bon each grabbed a sperm cup and held it over the open vial. Lyra couldn't split her magic indefinitely, but she could concentrate hard enough to levitate the two vials, while still allowing Lyra to use her hooves to pour the cup's contents into the vial.

"This would be easier with hands," Lyra muttered under her breath, "I'm just sayin'..."

When the samples were properly stored and the lids sealed, Lyra placed the vials in cold storage. Since there was no trash can in the room, the mares just set their empty cups down on the countertop.

No sooner had they finished, when two more samples began moving towards them down the belt. Lyra levitated out more vials and held one in front of Bon Bon. Both mares grabbed a second cup and poured the sticky liquid down the glass tube. Bon Bon was starting to get the hang of things and was grateful Lyra was here to help with her unicorn powers.

After filling the vials, the mares deposited the second wave of semen into the containment unit and stacked their empty cups on the counter. When they had filled a few more vials up, they began to feel more confident in their abilities. Even Bon Bon was getting excited about this job.

"Well, this is easy," Lyra said, smiling.

"Yeah, we can handle this okay," Bon Bon said.

After completing a couple more waves, the mares began to notice that the output from the other room was increasing. The size of the latest wave doubled from two cups to four.

"Whoever that stallion is, he's some kind of sex machine," Lyra said, concerned. She felt just the smallest twinge of panic as she levitated two vials for her, then two vials for Bon Bon.

They had just completed the first half of the wave, when the other two cups drew nearer and nearer to the conveyor belt's edge. Lyra levitated the full cups without spilling any of their contents, and set them down on the counter.

Lyra looked over at Bon Bon. She was frantically taking cups off the belt and setting them down on the counter in front of her. In spite of her efforts to stem the tide, more full cups made it past Bon Bon and were headed towards Lyra. She levitated a vial in front of herself and her marefriend. They worked faster, while still avoiding any spills. Lyra stopped cups from falling over the edge and levitated up more vials.

"Bon Bon, I think this... " Lyra started to say, but her thoughts were interrupted as she needed to focus on keeping the vials steady as they poured. Bon Bon was filling vials as fast as she could. Both mares continued to work at a manic pace as more and more samples continued to pile up on the counter.

"I think we're fighting a losing game!" Lyra shouted, pragmatically. She filled vial after vial with semen, barely making a dent in the large pile of filled cups littered before them.

"Hasn't he run out of magazines yet?!" Bon Bon asked, desperately. Lyra and Bon Bon were moving mechanically now. In an effort to minimize the time it took to pour each sample, the mares make quick, jerky, robotic-looking motions as they worked with the constant stream of cups.

Lyra and Bon Bon began to notice that the consistency of more recent samples was getting runnier and less viscous. The little light above the quality control flickered green, before turning red. When it changed colors, the belt came to a stop and a little door dropped over the slot. It read: Sperm Count Too Low. Will Return After a Vitamin and Folic Acid Supplement
Break.

One full cup was leaning precariously over the edge when the belt stopped. Lyra quickly rescued it from falling and set it down on one of the few clear spots that remained on the counter.

"Apparently, the stud took a break to build up his swimmers," Lyra said.

"How long will that take?" Bon Bon asked.

"How should I know?" Lyra said, "Hopefully he won't be back too soon; it could take us hours to get caught up." The mares had only filled one new vial, when they heard hoofsteps coming down the hall.

"It's Nurse Coldheart!" Bon Bon said, "We've got to tell her this is too much."

"Wait!" Lyra said, with a conspiratorial look on her face, "What if it isn't Nurse Coldheart, but the health inspector? We can't let him see all these open jizz cups everywhere! He'd write us up!"

"What do we do?" Bon Bon asked, looking around. There were no sinks or trash cans to dispose of the evidence.

"Hide it!" Lyra said, using magic to open up their saddlebags. Lyra poured sample after sample into their bags. Fortunately, neither of them had anything inside that couldn't be replaced. The hoofsteps were getting louder and both their bags were already filled to the brim with sperm. Tall stacks of empty cups rose up from the counter, but there were still some full cups left.

Lyra and Bon Bon stared at the remaining samples. They didn't want to lose their jobs. After looking at each other pitiably, they knew what they needed to do.
Without saying a word, each mare raised a full cup to their lips. Tilting their heads back, Lyra and Bon Bon drank several cups of warm stallion semen. It had the taste and texture of salty applesauce.

The two mares frantically guzzled cup after cup, filling their mouths until their cheeks distended.

They succeeded in hiding all the samples. Empty cups were stacked in neat rows, as Lyra and Bon Bon stood there with puffed out cheeks, afraid to swallow. Remembering their saddlebags were still open, Lyra levitated the flaps closed.
The two mares stood at attention as the door opened and in walked... Nurse Coldheart.

Lyra and Bon Bon were relieved that it hadn't been the health inspector, but they were also revolted at what they had just put themselves through for nothing.

When Coldheart walked in the room, she was quite impressed. Row after row of empty cups were stacked neatly along the counter. Lyra and Bon Bon appeared tired, but had a look of accomplishment on their faces.

"I was cleaning my office when I saw the little red light go on," Coldheart said, "That means the scanner detected a low sperm count in a sample. Our stallion will be ready to go again after he takes some vitamin supplements."

As she spoke those words, the red light disappeared and the little door raised back up. The stallion was ready for round two.

"Well, fine. You're doing splendidly." Coldheart said to her employees. Then raising a hoof, the nurse shouted, "Speed it up, Big Mac!" Lyra and Bon Bon's eyes bugged out of their heads. Their mouths were too full of semen to launch any sort of protest. As Coldheart returned to finish cleaning the building, Lyra and Bon Bon were too scared to move. Both mares gave a big gulp out of fear. They gave a queasy shudder as the viscous apple sauce slid down their throats. Bon Bon gave a small hiccup and blushed.

The proverbial floodgates were opened as Big Mac unleashed greater amounts of semen. Lyra and Bon Bon had abandoned all pretenses of filling up any more vials. Their main concern was to not let a drop of semen touch the ground, no matter the cost.



It was an hour later. Lyra had Bon Bon shuffled their hooves slowly as they made their way towards the front of the bank. Nurse Coldheart was escorting them. They couldn't keep up with her pace because their saddlebags were still filled to the brim with Apple seed. On top of that, both Lyra and Bon Bon's stomachs had distended because of all the samples they swallowed during that last hour. They felt ill as they approached the front desk, all the mares wanted to do now was go home and throw up.

"You did a great job, fillies," Coldheart said, beaming with pride, "You wore poor Big Mac out! Once I open and unload the storage unit, we should have plenty of stock for our customers!" The nurse was rather oblivious to the pained looks of her employees. Lyra and Bon Bon didn't have the heart to tell their boss that a majority of the samples had ended up in their bellies.

"I checked the room after you left and it was immaculate," Coldheart said, "The health inspector should find no problems here!" Lyra and Bon Bon nodded slowly as they kept shuffling towards the front door.

"We're... we're gonna' ta.. take off early today," Lyra said, breaking out into a cold sweat, "We're not feeling too well."

"You poor dears." Coldheart said, "Well, go on home then. You've certainly earned it! I've never seen a pair of mares so dedicated to their jobs as you two." Lyra and Bon Bon's faces were turning a light shade of green.

"Come back when you're feeling better," Coldheart said, cheerfully. The word 'come' gave Lyra a case of the dry heaves. The nurse didn't notice Lyra's discomfort as she offered  them some advice, "If you want to get well fast, remember to drink plenty of fluids." At the mention of fluids, Bon Bon threw up a little in her mouth.

Lyra and Bon Bon stared at the door, which was only several feet away. The contents of their bags and stomachs began to slosh and churn as they attempted to move a little faster. Lyra and Bon Bon were almost in the clear. Once they made it out, they would ditch their bags and head for home. Since they weren't able to secure the samples they needed today, Lyra and Bon Bon planned to go home and think up a way to keep the cryobank from closing down.

At that same time, Caramel was rushing towards the cryobank. He had seen Lyra and Bon Bon's courage on the news yesterday. Listening to their inspired words at the rally motivated him to finally be honest with himself. He galloped up the steps to thanks them. Lyra and Bon Bon were just at the door when Caramel came barging in, knocking them back.

"Hey everyone!" Caramel said proudly, "I'm gay!" The meaningfulness of this life-changing announcement was undercut when the samples that the mares had been attempting to conceal flew out of their bags and landed with a splash on the lobby floor. Caramel and Nurse Coldheart stood, too shocked to speak. Lyra and Bon Bon lay on the ground, too bloated to move. At that moment, the health inspector picked the worst possible moment to arrive for his inspection.
> Conclusion
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was three weeks after the health inspector's visit. Lyra and Bon Bon were in their home as Bon Bon scoured the classified ads. The custom frame Lyra ordered had arrived in the mail and she was busy hanging the front page of a newspaper on the wall.

"I  can't believe you want to display that in our house," Bon Bon said, ashamedly, "It's bad enough I'll never get the taste of applesauce out of my mouth; now I also have to deal with that headline serving as a constant reminder of our failure."

The front page photo showed a cum-covered Lyra and Bon Bon walking down the cryobank steps and being led into the policemare's paddy wagon. Above the photo was a headline with a pull quote that read: Mares fired for embezzling from sperm bank. "I didn't put those in my bag," says Bon Bon.

"You call this a failure?" Lyra said, proudly, "This is the funniest headline I've ever been associated with. You know, for a comedian, you should really learn to laugh at yourself sometimes." Bon Bon gave a hurumph and ruffled the newspaper, lifting it higher so it obscured her vision of Lyra and the mounted paper. Lyra shrugged her shoulders and walked over to their TV set. Reclining in her favorite chair, she turned on the evening news.

"...And in other news," Erin Bro-nett said, "We did a follow up on the Ponyville Cryobank story. You may remember the facility was forced to close down three weeks ago after receiving enormous fines from the Health Inspector. At that same time, cryobank employees Lyra Heartstrings and Bon Bon were arrested for attempting to steal bags filled with reproductive materials from their workplace. In the courtroom, Lyra argued that since they did nothing with the material, all they were guilty of was wasting semen. She told the court that if wasting semen was a crime, then every male who masturbates should be jailed as well. Shortly thereafter, the embezzlement charges were dropped."

"I still can't believed that worked," Bon Bon said. not taking her eyes up from the paper. Lyra grinned. She knew that a stallion would make any judicial concessions in order to preserve his ability to clop. Erin Bro-nett continued her report.

"After several creative marketing ideas, the cryobank was able to earn enough money to pay its fines," Bro-nett said, "Today the sperm bank is once again open for business." The news story shifted its focus to the mare responsible for revitalizing Ponyville Cryobank.

"What ultimately saved the bank was a single mother who owed her happiness to the cryobank and wanted to do her part to help get the facility back on its hooves," Bro-nett said, "We had a chance to interview Berry Punch about her story and the events leading up to her job at the bank."

The news story cut to a prerecorded conversation with the mare in the studio. A magenta-maned pony with a faded pink coat and a perpetually flushed face sat on a plush cushion across from Erin Bro-nett. The reporter asked the mare to share her experiences from her previous job in the medical field.

"I was always a fast runner growing up," Berry Punch said, "When I got older, my school nurse said I could save lives by pulling an ambulance wagon. Once I graduated, I applied for the Emergency Medical Technician job at Ponyville General." Bro-nett asked Berry Punch to share some of her impressions about the work of saving lives.

"The life of an EMT was tough," Berry Punch said, "I had to develop a thick skin quickly to deal with the psychological stresses of the job. Every time I brought a pony to the hospital that was DOA, my soul died a little. I convinced myself that if I had been a little faster, they might have made it in time." Tears welled in the mare's eyes as she relived the trauma of the job. Bro-nett told Berry Punch to not blame herself and assured her that she did everything she could to save ponies. Once Berry Punch had recovered enough, she continued her story.

"The hardest part for me was transporting injured foals," Berry Punch said, choking back tears, "Some nights I would lie awake and I could still hear the screams of a dying filly or colt inside my head. That's why I started drinking; to drown out the voices." Bro-nett asked Berry Punch if she was comfortable discussing her alcoholism.

"I admit I have a drinking problem," Berry Punch said, bitterly, "It cost me my job as an EMT when I showed up for work drunk. After that, I hit rock bottom. I degrading myself for booze money and knew I needed to get clean or I was going to die. I joined a rehab group that helped me get sober enough to get a new job as a waitress and start rebuilding my life." Bro-nett asked if this was when the cryobank first entered the picture.

"Now that I was clean and sober, I felt capable of raising a foal," Berry Punch said, "After years of only hearing the cries and screams of foals, I just wanted to hear the sounds of a child's laughter again. Little Pinchy is my entire world. I carried her to term after receiving a donor's sperm from the cryobank." Bro-nett asked what Berry Punch's life was like for her and her daughter before being hired by the sperm bank.

"After the recession hit, I was laid off from my waitressing job," Berry Punch said, "I tried to find work somewhere else, but week after week of rejection began to take its toll on me. I got depressed and started drinking heavily again. Ruby Pinch was the one who suggested that I apply at the cryobank. Nurse Coldheart didn't want to hire me at first, but once she heard some of the ideas I brought to the table, she changed her mind." That concluded the prerecorded portion of the interview.

The news story then went live with Erin Bro-nett as she covered the grand reopening of the sperm bank. There were sperm and egg-shaped balloons tied to strings and even games for the fillies and colts. There was a carnival-style squirt gun event, where the object was to be the first to fill a cup with the vanilla yogurt that shot out of the suggestively-shaped guns. Depending on their scores, winners received small, medium or large plush sperm dolls.

Caramel was volunteering his time to help promote the event by wearing a giant sperm suit. Nurse Coldheart was in the background, happily talking to potential customers. Best of all, because Ruby Pinch was there with her mother, Atomic Faith couldn't come within three hundred yards of the cryobank. This was due to Ruby Pinch taking out a restraining order against Atomic Faith.

Erin Bro-nett stood by Berry Punch, who was teetering slightly. Her reddened face was evidence that she had been celebrating the cryobank's reopening in her own unique way. Ruby Pinch stood beside her mom to steady her. The little unicorn had a sperm balloon tied around her horn.

"This is Erin Bro-nett, reporting to you live from the grand reopening of the Ponyville Cryobank," she said, "I'm here with the bank's brain trust, Berry Punch, and her daughter. Ruby Pinch. Berry, what was your motivation behind taking this job?"

"I'd do anything for little Ruby Pinsh here," Berry Punch slurred as she tussled her daughter's mane.

Berry held up a shiny red flask with a ruby embedded in the middle. She tilted her head back and took a swig from the flask, causing wine to dribble down her mouth. Ruby Pinch gave a face hoof and took the flask away from her mother. Berry Punch teetered on the spot and gave a small hiccup. Eager to move the interview forward, Bro-nett asked Berry Punch what the hardest part about working in a sperm bank was.

"The hardest part about working in a sperm bank is not drinking on the job," Berry Punch slurred. Bro-nett asked the mare if she could tell how she came up with some of the ideas that saved the facility.

"You'll want to talk to Pinshy about that shtuff," Berry Punch mumbled, as she wobbled drunkenly, "She came up with most of the ideas, I just preshented them." Without another word, Berry Punch passed out on the ground, sound asleep.

Erin Bro-nett and Ruby Pinch stared at the inebriated mare, before taking a few steps away from her sleeping body to continue the interview.

"So, Ruby Pinch," Erin Bro-nett said, "Your mom tells me you helped come up with the ideas to save the cryobank."

"That's right," Ruby Pinch said, "After I was humiliated by those protesters, I went home and researched what really goes on in a cryobank. While the information was shocking at first, it inspired me to be creative. I helped my mom get a job by designing a couple of products to make the bank more marketable." The filly then held up a porcelain sperm with a squiggly little tail and a slot in the top.

"This one is very popular in the gift shop," Ruby Pinch said, "Getting a filly like me isn't cheap, so start saving today with your very own sperm bank!" Ruby Pinch shook the bank, allowing the coins to rattle inside. Then after setting down the bank, Ruby Pinch picked up a little glass with a sperm etched on one side of the cup and the exterior of the cryobank etched on the other.

"My mommy helped me come up with these," Ruby Pinch said, "She calls them 'money shot glasses.'" Bro-nett commended Ruby Pinch for being so smart for such a young filly. The reporter asked her if she and her mom had any future plans for the bank.

"Next month we start construction on a drive-thru window!" Ruby Pinch said proudly, "This will be a more convenient deposit method for stallions pulling a cart who want to donate, but don't have time to sit around. I got the idea after taking trips with my mom to the drive-thru liquor store."  Erin Bro-nett thanked Ruby Pinch for her time, then addressed the viewing public.

"A mother who went from seeing ponies in their final moments before death to helping preserve the potential lives of future generations. It would seem Ponyville Cryobank has struck white gold with their new marketing department head, and this gusher shows no signs of stopping. We here at the Canterlot News Network want to wish Berry Punch and her daughter good luck in their efforts to ensure that sperm donor foals like Ruby Pinch are given a chance at life." Lyra shut off the television.

"That's all well and good for Berry Punch and her daughter," Lyra said, "But what are we supposed to do about jobs?" Bon Bon walked back into the room and spoke to Lyra.

"While you were watching another pony's success story, I was busy finding our next success story," Bon Bon said smugly, "During the news broadcast I went into the next room and made a few calls. I lined up a job interview for us tomorrow!"

"It had better not be at an applesauce factory," Lyra muttered.

"No, silly," Bon Bon said, "We both love talking to ponies, so being a telephone operator sounds like the perfect job. We can redirect calls and give information. It should be fun!"

Lyra grabbed the classified section and looked at the ad Bon Bon had circled. The ad read, "Help Wanted for Two Mare Telephone Operators. Must be discrete, professional and open-minded. Applicants should contact Frisky Fillies Fone Follies, a pay-by-the-minute phone service. Completely confidential. Reasonable rates. Excellent service." Lyra looked up at Bon Bon in disbelief. After their last job, there was no way she could still be this naive.

"They seemed interested when I told them I was an amateur voice actor," Bon Bon said, "They asked to hear my impression of a little filly and they loved it. I think this company must be the one that sends special 'get well' phone messages to foals in the hospital. Why else would they want a creative pony with a wide vocal range as a phone operator? I'll probably be called upon to help raise somepony's spirit with my voice."

"You're gonna' be raisin' stuff with your voice, all right," Lyra thought, "but it ain't gonna' be spirits!" As much as Lyra respected her marefriend, Bon Bon could still be bone-shatteringly naive at times. Lyra was tempted to inform her friend that she had arranged for them to become phone sex operators; but as Lyra thought  about it more, she realized she'd be able to get paid for talking dirty. It was easy money... and they did need the work. As a prank, Lyra decided to not tell Bon Bon the actual nature of their prospective jobs. It would be more fun to watch her figure it out on her own. Lyra looked up at her marefriend, who was smiling at her excitedly. Lyra grinned. With Bon Bon around, these's no such thing as a boring odd job.

"Oh, boy," Lyra said, beleagueredly, "Here we go again!"

> Epilogue
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was late, and everypony was settling down for the night in Atomic Faith's house. While other fillies got to watch cartoons, Glowing Charity's parents provided their daughter with more... structured entertainment. 

Glowing Charity was sitting up in her bed, watching her favorite PSA entitled, "Fillies Beware." The video was filmed before her parents were alive and was presented in black and white. Fillies Beware told the story of a little filly who had just gotten her pearl cutie mark. An earth pony mare with a cloth bag cutie mark approached the filly to congratulate her and offered her ice cream. Glowing Charity listened carefully as the stern, stallion announcer talked about the dangers of homosexuals. 

"...what Pretty Pearl didn't know was that her new friend Carpetbagger had a secret." the announcer said, ominously, "Carpetbagger had a mental sickness. She was a lesbian, which meant she felt compelled to touch little fillies inappropriately." Glowing Charity hugged her doll tightly in fear.

To discourage their daughter from touching herself inappropriately, her parents hung a poster on the wall beside her bed that said in large letters, "A good filly always sleeps with her fore-hooves above the covers." Glowing Charity glanced up cautiously at the poster. Being a young filly, she didn't comprehend sex. All she knew was that it was bad for anypony to touch her private parts, including herself. The only exception was her future husband; but Glowing Charity was too little to concern herself with that now.



Radiant Hope had ignored her husband's request for conjugal bliss and went to bed early. Unable to sleep in his current condition, Atomic Faith got out of bed and walked down the halls.

"Not tonight dear. I have a headache," Atomic Faith muttered, repeating his wife's words, "Some days I swear she forgets that the mare is subservient to the stallion. Well, I know how to fix this problem." Atomic Faith slowly approached his daughter's room. He opened the door and stared at her in bed. Her golden curls rested on her tiny shoulders as she sat up in bed. The father wasted no time.

"Shut off the TV and go to sleep!" Atomic Faith barked, "It's past your bedtime!" Glowing Charity quickly turned the TV off, just as the PSA showed Carpetbagger being escorted to jail by the police. The filly turned off her light and closed her eyes; remembering to keep her fore-hooves above the covers.

Atomic Faith nodded. The last thing he needed was for his daughter to sneak out of bed and catch him performing atomic fusion on his carbon rod. Atomic Faith entered his home office and locked the door behind him. He didn't want anything to disturb his date with 'Rosy Hooves.'

"It's Radiant Hope's fault," Atomic Faith muttered, "If she did her duty by me as a wife, I wouldn't have to resort to this." The stallion took a box of tissues off his desk and lay back on his plush pillow. Using his personal office phone line, the stallion called a secret number.

"Hello? Frisky Fillies?" Atomic Faith said in a hushed tone to the voice on the other end, "I want to speak with your two sexiest mares."



Lyra and Bon Bon sat by two phones in their home, awaiting their first call. Since they had registering with Frisky Fillies, the main office would be redirecting clients to them. 

"I can't believe you didn't tell me it was a phone sex hotline!" Bon Bon said. Her face had been beet red since the interview. Only now was the color starting to leave her cheeks.

"Would you have gone to the interview if you knew the truth?" Lyra asked, "Besides, it's called 'Frisky Fillies.' What else did you think that meant?"

"I thought frisky meant full of energy," Bon Bon said, defensively, "You know? Like a frisky puppy?" Lyra shook her head pitiably. They had successfully faked their way through the interview, but Lyra needed to make sure Bon Bon could handle this job.

"Do you think you know what to do?" Lyra asked, "Let's hear your sexy moaning." Bon Bon inhaled deeply, then breathed out through her nose.

"Oh baby. Oh baby Oh baby," Bon Bon said in a passionless monotone. Lyra did a facehoof.

"Ugh," she said, "You call that sexy moaning? Bons, I don't think you've caught the vision of what being a phone sex operator is all about." Lyra stood up and gave her marefriend a motivational speech. 

"When a stallion calls us, we are like unchiseled marble to him," Lyra said, "He doesn't know what we look like, who we are or how we're feeling. He has to use his imagination, and our job is to indulge his fantasies. Like a gifted sculptor, we must shape his vision of us and convince him that we are more than cold statues. The stallion must believe that we are his dreams made reality. Our goal is to make him fall in love with his creation, just like the story of Pig-malion. If he wants a pegasus, we become pegasi. If he wants a blonde, we become blondes. We become and say whatever he wants. With every grunt or groan he makes, we offer words of encouragement to help bring him closer to his climax. Remember that we are not objectifying ourselves. We are not the statues. The visions we create are what we sell. We are the manufacturers; shaping a block of marble based on the stallion's designs. His climax is the ultimate form of positive feedback."

"Wow," Bon Bon said, in awe, "I had no idea talking dirty over the phone was such a noble profession." Lyra smiled humbly and shrugged her shoulders.

Suddenly, their phones rang, causing both of them to jump. Lyra and Bon Bon picked the receivers up. Bon Bon listened nervously. She heard obscene, heavy breathing over the phone. She thought she was going to be sick.

"Welcome to Frisky Fillies," Lyra said sensually, "Where the elite meet to beat their meat."

[Please transfer an additional $1.95 for the next minute or this call will be terminated; or feel free to read the steamier parts of this story in Lyra and Bon Bon's Odd Jobs II: Frisky Fillies.]



Berry Punch's first work week at the sperm bank was going much better than Lyra and Bon Bon's first week. Of course, on Lyra and Bon Bon's second day they each swallowed a gallon of jizz, lost their jobs and caused the bank to be shut down. So really, having a better first week than Lyra and Bon Bon wasn't too difficult.

Berry Punch was getting better about her drinking problem. To be more specific, she was getting better at hiding her drinking problem. She still drank like a thirsty fish, but she had learned how to conceal her ruby flask and only drank when nopony was looking. When the hallway she was in was deserted, Berry Punch pulled out the shiniest member of her family, Ruby, and took a big swig. Berry Punch was leaning against her sample cart to steady herself as she drained the flask of its contents, when Ruby Pinch walked around the corner. Berry Punch saw her daughter approach out of the corner of her blurred vision. The mare quickly hid her flask in a small drawer in the sample cart.

"Hi mom," Ruby Pinch said, unaware of her mother's recent drinking, "How are things at the cryobank?"

"It's thirsty work," the mare slurred back, "How was school?" Berry Punch gave a small hiccup. Her daughter scowled disapprovingly, but then shrugged it off and told her mother all about her day.

"Lishen Pinshy," Berry Punch slurred, "I have a couple hours left on my shift. Why don't you find a nice quiet place to do your homework? We'll go get some diner when I'm done."

"At a bar and grill?" Ruby Pinch asked, knowingly.

"Where else?" the mare said smiling as she pushed her cart down the hall; teetering slightly as she did so. The cart hit a wall as she turned the corner. This caused a manila envelope that had been sitting on top of the cart to fall to the floor. Berry Punch didn't notice it and kept on walking. Ruby Pinch saw it and ran up quick to retrieve it. Using her unicorn magic, she lifted the envelope up and examined it.

"Donor information: Classified," Ruby Pinch read aloud, "File in the Donor Archives Room." The filly looked around. Nopony was watching her. She looked over at her schoolbooks, resting on a windowsill. Ruby Pinch decided to help her mom out by filing this donor information before starting on her homework.

After a brief search, Ruby Pinch found the archives. They were located down the main hall, not far from the front desk. She turned on the lights as she entered the musty cryobank archives. The information of every stallion who'd ever given sperm to the cryobank was cataloged in this room. There were files along three of the walls, from floor to ceiling. 

In addition to listing the stallion's personal information, it documented all the mares who had conceived by using the stallion's samples. There was a large, accordion-style file that was thicker than a phone book, which caught Ruby Pinch's attention.

"B. Macintosh," Ruby Pinch said, reading the name on the mammoth dossier. She looked around the room and found the appropriate place for the file she brought. 

As she turned to leave, Ruby Pinch stopped herself. She didn't know the identity of her father. Her mother hadn't cared who the donor was, she just wanted a foal. As Ruby Pinch glanced back at the rows of archives, her heart beat faster knowing her father was somewhere in this room. If she wanted to find out who he was, this was her chance.

Near the front of the room, there were volumes of thick books, which documented all the mares who received sperm. Ruby Pinch went back a decade, one year before she was born.  She opened to the middle of the book and scoured the 'P' section.

"Here it is!" Ruby Pinch said excitedly, "B. Punch. Sperm donor #1514." After studying the various methods used for processing archives, Ruby Pinch finally found the packet with her father's information. She hesitated before opening the file, wishing to savor the moment of discovery. She had preconceived notions about what her father might look like. Once she read the information, there would be no going back. Her filly fantasies would all vanish to be replaced with undeniable reality. Unable to wait any longer, Ruby Pinch opened the file and read her father's name.

"Pokey Pierce," she read. Before scanning the file further to glean more information, Ruby Pinch stared at the name and reflected on it, like it was a mysterious riddle waiting to be solved.

Berry Punch, Ruby Pinch and Pokey Pierce," Berry Pinch said aloud, "Punch, Pinch and Pierce." While their three names painted a violent picture, Ruby Pinch couldn't deny that they went together. She was sure that they'd make a loving family. Hungry for more information, the young filly continued reading.

"Species: Unicorn," Ruby  Pinch read, excitedly, "A unicorn!" The little filly was so happy. With her mother being an earth pony, Ruby Pinch never had anypony at home to help teach her magic. Now, her father could teach everything he knew to her!

She quickly read down the list, gleaning all other information. Coat color: Blue. Mane color: Silver. Cutie Mark: A silver safety pin. Even without a photo provided, Ruby Pinch could picture her father quite clearly in her mind's eye. 

Her old filly fantasies had been wiped away and replaced with undeniable reality, only for that reality to be wiped away and replaced with new filly fantasies. Now that Ruby Pinch knew who her dad was, she needed to have him meet her mom. Her two parents would fall in love and get married and they'd all live happily ever after.

Ruby Pinch stared at her biological father's folder over and over, like it was her favorite bedtime story. She memorized all of his information before putting the file back. Ruby Pinch glanced cautiously outside to make sure nopony would see the little filly walk out of the archives. When the coast was clear, she stepped out into the hallway, closing the door behind her. Ruby Pinch took a deep breath. Her little heart was beating fast in her chest and her head was swimming with joyful emmotions. As giddy as she was about finding her father's name, she wasn't prepared for what happened next.

"Thanks for stopping by, Pokey," Nurse Coldheart said, "We always appreciate it." Ruby Pinch whipped her head violently in the direction of Nurse Coldheart's voice. A blue unicorn stallion with a silver mane walked into view and continued talking with the nurse. Ruby Pinch's legs were like jelly as she looked upon her father for the first time. His mane was wavier and more magnificent then she had imagined.

"Always happy to do my part," Pokey Pierce said, in a deep booming voice. Ruby Pinch could listen to that voice for hours. She pictured herself cuddled up in bed while her father read the adventure stories of Daring Do to her.

"The way I see it," Pokey Pierce said, "Donating to the sperm bank helps generate business for me in the long run."

"Oh yes," Coldheart said, knowingly, "How are things going at the nursery?"

"My dad works at a nursery!" Ruby Pinch thought, ecstatically, "He must love foals! I'm sure he'll love me, too!"

"Have you gotten married yet?" Coldheart asked bluntly. Ruby Pinch listened for the answer with bated breath.

"No," Pokey Pierce said, blushing. The filly's heart was doing cartwheels. Ruby Pinch knew that she had to have her mom and Pokey fall in love before another pretty mare caught his eye. She stared lovingly at her father, picturing their new happy life together.

"We haven't gotten married yet," Pokey Pierce said, as a stallion with a honey-colored coat came around the corner and stood beside him, "but now that Caramel is open about who he is, I imagine we'll be setting a date soon."

Caramel leaned in close and the two stallions kissed. As Ruby Pinch stared at her father, locked in a passionate kiss with another stallion, a whole new set of emotions went swirling through her body. Ruby Pinch knew that her life had just gotten a lot more complicated.