Clown News Network
The news: a means of finding out what's going on—be it locally or in some distant part of the world. Though in most cases, ‘distant’ means the next city over.
And no other news organization is more trusted, revered, and well-known than CNN: the Canterlot News Network. From its earliest days when it was but a school newspaper that a timberwolf made out of his unfinished history report, ponies across Equestria read it, always eager to read thanks to the paper’s sharp, daring, and in-depth reporting.
Such as how school lunch prices were far too low and that the school would go bankrupt without government subsidies.
This intrepid journalism earned the timberwolf who founded the paper a trip to the Everfree Forest where he was never seen again. But, the paper—for reasons unknown—lived on until a wealthy unicorn known only as Turning Rich (unrelated to Filthy Rich, but thirty seven times richer—not to mention scarier) bought it and turned it into a multi-national news corporation that has stations in every country (and most major cities) except for Yakyakistan for the sole reason that Turning Rich couldn't find an anchor who would actually report the news.
Lucky for Turning Rich though, he had the greatest reporters at his hooves. And so, whenever an international incident occurred (which was roughly every three to six hours, depending on whether there were trade talks or not), they were on the case!
And none were more daring and insane (depending on who you ask) than Anderson Clopper—a unicorn with a mane of silver and a coat of slightly darker silver, along with a cutie mark of a reporter's hat that was yellow. (Some have tried to assert that it is a hardhat, but claims are rapidly brushed off.)
For Anderson, the average day consisted of reporting and pretending that Wolf Bitzer wasn't trying to take his title as ‘Pony with the Whitest Mane’. But, on a spring morning like any other, disaster struck.
“By Turning Rich's gold-plated horn!” a tap-dancing unicorn reporter with a coat as yellow as a dandelion screamed from the coffee room. “I-I think that somepony has stolen our coffee machine!”
Anderson and Wolf both ran over to the scene of the horrific crime. Sure enough, the coffee maker was devoid of any and all coffee! A sight so horrible, it made Wolf faint instantly.
“Mister Tapony!” Anderson asked the dandelion-colored unicorn with a stern expression. Though, it wasn't like he ever had one outside of that one. “Who did this!?”
“You expect me to know, Andy?” Jake Tapony asked indignantly. Deep down though, he knew he probably did. After all, he was prone to passing out drunk after a hard day's work of using Google to write up stories. “I got here five minutes ago. I was having a feud with someone on Twitter!”
“He's right,” a navy blue coated earth pony stallion remarked from behind his computer. “He was arguing with some bozo with the sun for profile image who said we’re fake news. I'm contemplating having our boys dox them.”
“See? Acoltsta vouched for me!”
Anderson rolled his eyes, resisting the urge to throw Jake out a window and into a dumpster. He couldn't stand the young unicorn. He wasn't sure if he ranked higher or lower than the strange biped who was seen inside Celestia's castle though. “Yeah, and Jim's word means nothing considering he can never get Celestia’s press secretary to answer his questions!” he snapped back after remaining in deep thought about the aforementioned biped for a few seconds. “I'm pretty sure Wolf's word holds more weight, and I'm amazed he's still alive nine times out of ten!”
“What's the one time you're not amazed?” Jake asked quizzically.
“I honestly think he's dead and call our custodians,” Anderson answered. “I'm pretty sure they've tried performing CPR on him once when he was just taking his daily nap.” He shook his head and focused his gaze back on Jake. “But that's beside the point! Where's the damn coffee?”
Jake rested a hoof on Anderson's shoulder. “Hey, Andy, I know you're fifty and are beginning to have the hearing of Wolf during the sixties—or whenever he was having his midlife crisis,” he said softly and calmly, “but, as I said earlier: I have no damn idea! It's why I called your colorless head here in the first place!”
“Actually, you were crying and dancing like my kid does when he has to piss,” Acoltsta deadpanned. “Only you're a fully grown stallion and I'm pretty sure in any other situation, you'd be fired and blacklisted from every place that isn't BuzzFeed.”
Jake whipped around and faced Jim angrily. “Hey, I…” His expression quickly turned from anger to sadness. “I do dance like a foal…”
“Glad we can see eye to eye on something other than our favorite social media site,” Jim replied—still face-deep in his computer. “I always knew we'd be the best of friends.”
“Enough!” Anderson snapped. “Look, let's stop acting like a bunch of foals and focus on the fact we have no damn coffee!”
“We have no coffee!?” Jake screeched.
Anderson slapped the young unicorn—several times. After he was done making the reporter his personal ‘stress reliever’, so to speak, he took a step back and said, “no, we don't. So, I propose we stop doing our jobs and go check the building for some.”
“Won't we be fired for doing that?” Jim asked, finally deciding to look at his co-workers instead of his computer screen.
“Jim, we work at CNN,” Jake answered, his face bearing the expression of someone that just got stuck in a Black Friday stampede. “We only lose our jobs when there's massive public outcry! I mean, who's honestly looking in on us searching for coffee?”
“The CIA?” Jim responded.
Jake turned his head to Anderson, who narrowed his eyes and shook his head.
Jim shivered and gulped. “I'll take that as a ‘no’.”
“Great!” Jake beamed happily. “So let's get to it!”
The trio took a few steps towards the room door when Anderson noticed something. “Oh, hey, Wolf's dead.”
“No I'm not you dick,” Wolf answered angrily. “I'm just resting.”
“Oh…” Anderson placed his phone away. “I was hoping I could finally have your time slot.” No emotion was shown on that steely face, but deep down, very deep down, he was also steely faced.
“You'll get that the day Jake goes to Breitbart.” Wolf stood up, his bones making. . . questionable. . . noises; noises that would make most medical personnel call the highest trained specialists. Luckily, there were not in the CNN building as Wolf fired them all. He turned to face the trio and smiled a practiced smile. “So, where are we headed?”
“First floor,” Anderson said as he passed by Wolf, patting him on the head as he did so.
Wolf nodded and the four ponies made their way down to the first floor. Along the way, they passed by several of the news corporation's most prestigious rooms, such as its robotics training office where they help program their news anchors to be as life-like as possible.
Yes, the offices at CNN are of the highest quality. And, while the four reporters basked in their state-of-the-art carpeting, paintings of Turning Rich, and robotics, they didn't even notice the beige colored unicorn running towards them.
“Guys, guys!” he yelled frantically. “It's terrible! Absolutely terrible!”
“What's wrong, Coltmo?” Jake asked, utterly terrified at his fellow reporters mane. “Did Turning Rich die!?”
“No,” Coltmo replied before catching his breath. “At least, I don't think so. I'll have to check with the anonymous fellow who always sends me scoops.” He grabbed Jake's shoulders and shook him. “But that's besides the point! The point is I have no coffee and I'm freaking out!”
“Well, Colty, you're in luck,” Jake replied as he pushed his fellow reporter away. “We're on our way to the first-”
“There is none on the first floor! None, I say!”
The four reporters gasped. “NONE!?” Wolf shrieked, his voice hitting levels only thought possible by those who'd been hit in certain areas repeatedly. “Who took it all!?” Many many times.
“Umm… well, that crazy old mare in the second floor who's always talking about emails said she saw smugglers near princess Twilight's castle,” Coltmo said. “Maybe the bookworm princess knows something?”
“You heard the stallion!” Anderson said with a serious expression on his face. “There's only one pony who can help us now!”
“Santa?” Jake asked.
“That guy from those health insurance commercials?” Wolf asked.
“Your mom?” Jim asked with a snicker.
Anderson slapped Jim upside the head. “Can it, piss-for-brains,” he snapped. “You know, missus Vanderclop only drank the finest tea!”
“Well, excuse me for trying to have a sense of humor, rainb… errr…”
Anderson raised an eyebrow. “What was that?”
“N-nothing,” Jim said as he backed several feet away.
“You sure?”
Jim nodded profusely. “Y-yes, I'm one-hundred percent sure!”
“Alright,” Anderson said. “Now, I meant Twilight. She seems like she'd know where there's a lot of coffee.”
“Oh…” Jake frowned. “I wanted to go see Santa.”
Jim slowly walked back to the side of his fellow reporter. “Oh, c'mon, Jake.” He wrapped a leg around his fellow reporter and gestured to Wolf, who'd fallen asleep against the wall. “Isn't Wolf like Santa?”
“I guess…” Jake sighed. “His nose isn't red though…”
“I'll fix that after we get back with our coffee,” Jim said with a smile. “I promise!”
Jake smiled and jumped happily. “Yay!”
The sound of a forty-plus-year-old equine bouncing and cheering was clearly enough to awaken the nearly seventy-year-old Wolf Bitzer, who narrowly missed striking the ceiling. “W-what!? FOX wants me to host a show!?”
“No, old man,” Jake said. “We're going to Princess Twilight's home!”
“Oh.” Wolf cleared his throat and straightened his mane. “Well, I guess it's better than the pink one up north.”
“You're such a charmer, Wolfie,” Jake said. He ruffled Wolf's mane and trotted away to the first floor. “C'mon, guys! We've got a princess to interview!” With a large smile, Jake began to do what he did best: tap dance his way down the hallway before falling down a flight of stairs thanks to blissful ignorance.
“I'm okay…”
“I hate him,” Wolf said with a sigh as he re-straightened his mane.
“I think everyone does,” Anderson replied.
“I don't!” Jim said. “Coltmo doesn't either… I think.”
Anderson, without a word, walked away; Wolf following close behind, while making worrying noises every now and then.
Jim rolled his eyes. “What a bunch of charmers…”
“Oh, uh, have fun,” Coltmo replied, having decided to watch the mayhem unfold from afar. “I'll let you know if I find anything out… about whatever…” He let out a sigh and walked away. Nopony ever brings me on adventures...
It was a long, arduous journey from Canterlot to Ponyville. From the moral dilemma of spending corporation money to Jake not remembering his favorite teddy bear. Of course, the prospect of coffee helped to motivate everyone, so all was good.
Such are the struggles of being a reporter for CNN.
Alas, after an hour long train ride, the four intrepid reporters arrived outside of the Princess of Friendship’s castle.
Knock, knock
“Sparkle residence,” Princess Twilight said groggily. As her eyes adjusted to the sunlight though, she realized just who her visitors were. “Oh, you guys are… um… CBS, right?”
“Close!” Jake chimed from the back of the pack. “We’re with CNN!”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “I've said it a dozen times now: I won't discuss the incident at the royal castle!”
“We're not here to discuss that, Miss Sparkle,” Anderson said as he shot Jake a glare, which caused the young reporter to shrink behind the other three. “Rather, we wish to know if you've heard anything about our corporation’s missing coffee.”
Twilight stared blankly at Anderson for several seconds, unsure if she'd really just heard those words just come out of one of the most well-known and well-respected journalist’s mouth.
But, sure enough, she did. And it made her want to burst out laughing. Luckily, she kept her composure well enough it didn't show when she gave her response. “Uh… I.. haven't heard anything…”
“Really now?” Jim said from behind a tablet. “From what we were told by some locals, you were seen carrying some bags filled with coffee! Explain that!”
“I went grocery shopping,” Twilight deadpanned.
Anderson raised his hoof, but Wolf restrained the reporter with his magic. “What Jim meant to say was: we'd heard that some suspicious individuals carrying large amounts of coffee were seen around here. We'd like to know if you know anything about that.”
Twilight rolled her eyes.
Multiple times.
Like, more times than necessary.
“Listen, I don't have your company's coffee,” she said after she was done rolling her eyes. “And to prove it: I'll come assist you with your nonsensical quest. How's that sound?”
“Fine,” Anderson replied from his magical prison. “Now, Wolf, let me down before I turn you into my exclusive story tonight!”
“Only if you promise not to kill Jim.”
“Fine.”
Wolf gave a smile only a senile old man could give and let his co-worker down onto the ground. “This is wonderful! I've always wanted to go on an adventure with a princess!”
“Yeah, exciting,” Twilight said as she shut the castle door. “So, what are your guy’s leads so far?”
“Well, we know that our coffee is missing,” Jake said. “And that we have none in our kitchen.”
“Anything else?” Twilight asked.
“We know that Anderson hates it when you say three certain letters!”
Anderson levitated a large rock over the back of Jake's head. “We also know that our bosses are probably freaking out because we’re not at work,” he said as he rested the rock on his co-worker’s mane. “So, yeah, we better hurry.”
“Have you thought about just buying coffee?” Twilight asked with a perplexed expression. “That seems like the most sensible thing to do, doesn't it?”
“No coffee shop makes coffee the way we like it,” Jim answered with a hint of sadness. “Well, except for Jake, but that's because he likes his coffee as black as the night sky.” He shivered and and shook his head at the thought of the wretched drink. “Well, I guess it's better than how Coltmo likes his.”
“Doesn't he like his with vinegar and olive oil?” Jake asked, the rock that one rested on his mane now near his hind leg knee cap.
Jim nodded. “Speaking of Coltmo, he just said an anonymous source told him that we'd find our coffee caper in Celestia's throne room.”
Twilight's eyes widened. “Oh, uh, er, the thro-”
Anderson put the rock he'd been levitating into Twilight's mouth. “You'll forgive me, your majesty, for not wanting to deal with another individual stuttering like a broken record player.”
Twilight merely glared at the reporter and pulled the rock out of her mouth. “I could have you arrested for that you know!” she growled.
“And I can blackmail you,” Anderson sneered to the princess. He flashed a sinister grin to her before turning to his co-workers. “Alright, guys! Mister Computer Face over there says somepony is at Celestia's throne room. So, let's get to it!”
“Do you always act like Captain Obvious?” Twilight asked hesitantly, fearful at the reputation-destroying things that Anderson could dig up.
Like her love of potato soup.
“No, that's Jake's job. He just sucks at it.”
“Quiet, rainbow head.”
Twilight felt herself spin around at a speed she thought could only be obtained by Rainbow Dash. Once she stopped spinning, she ran over to a bush as her dinner from the previous night flew up. Behind her, sounds apocalyptic in nature overtook the sounds of nature. Blasts of magic flew past her and the screams of the damned rang inside her head.
It was like someone had caused Tartarus to move a few feet behind her.
Then, within the span of five seconds, everything went deafeningly silent.
Twilight, very slowly, turned her head. “W-what in the world!?”
The entire front portion of her castle—along with all of the greenery—had been decimated and reduced to ashes.
Well, except the kitchen sink, which had become a helmet for Jake, who held onto the top branch of a tree a few feet away that had been lucky enough to not be caught in the crossfire. Wolf and Jim, meanwhile, stood on the sidelines with popcorn.
“We’ll cover for the damages,” Anderson said as he turned around and walked away. “Now, c'mon, let's go.”
“Can… can I just stay here and help clean up?” Jake asked, visibly shaken for reasons that were far too obvious to Twilight.
“If you don't come, I'm going to shove that kitchen sink up your-”
“I'M COMING!”
“Smart boy.”
Twilight opened the doors to Celestia's throne room, the four coffee-deprived reporters in tow. By now, they were less desperate for the caffeine and more just flat out thirsty.
“Princess Celestia,” Twilight said as she bowed before entering the room. The four reporters mimicked her initial action, but not before instinctively searching for their notepads.
Or, in Jim's case, his now-dead tablet.
“Hello, my little ponies,” Celestia said with a warm, motherly smile. She took a sip of her tea and placed it on the floor beside her throne. “I've been told that you four have been out for most of this morning looking for coffee.”
The four reporters nodded. “And we're all losing our damn minds!” Wolf said as he stood back up. His mane looked like it'd just been the victim of a violent wind tunnel. In reality, it'd just been the victim of Jake, who was as bored as bored could be. “Please, do you have any coffee!?”
Celestia giggled. “Do not worry,” she said. She clopped her hooves together. Suddenly, the throne room doors burst open, which startled the guards, causing them to fall flat on their flanks.
The reporters turned around and saw a young unicorn colt run up to them, his coat as white as Anderson's mane. “I got it, guys!”
The four reporters turned around. “Got what?” Wolf asked.
“The coffee you asked me to get yesterday?” the colt replied. “You told me to pick up this morning when I was on my way to work. I would've had it there earlier, but my mom told me to drop my sister off at school. I'm really sorry.”
Anderson tapped his chin. “Oh… right. You did ask him to pick that up, Wolf. It was right before you went live.”
“I did?” Wolf asked. “I can't remember.”
“Wolf, you can't remember what you did ten minutes ago,” Jake chimed in with a smirk.
Wolf turned to face Jake and cocked an eyebrow. “Who the fuck are you?”
“Now, now,” Celestia said with a motherly smile. “There's no need for such harsh language.”
Anderson rolled his eyes. “I've heard far worse, your highness,” he said. He turned to the colt and smiled. “Why, uh, were you waiting outside the door that whole time though?”
“Oh, I wasn't waiting. I was actually in here, but had to pee really badly,” the colt said. “I got a tour of the castle while you guys were out though!”
Anderson nodded, a hint of jealousy filling him. “Well… go take that back to the studio. We'll be back in a few.”
The colt nodded and ran back out the throne room doors. Anderson and the others all turned back to face Celestia, who had just finished levitating over four bags.
“Ooh, are those presents!?” Jake asked, wide-eyed.
Celestia nodded. “Indeed they are!” She levitated them over to the four reporters, each of which had eager expressions on their faces. “I put them together for you all when I heard you were hunting for your coffee.”
The reporters each opened their bags and smiled. Coffee beans. Lots and lots of coffee beans.
Well, as much as a small bag could hold.
However, one reporter noticed something fishy before the others. “Hey, these are fake coffee beans!” Jake said with a frown.
Celestia giggled warmly. “Fake coffee for fake news,” she replied with a sly grin.