All There Is to Know
I’d go far to say I’m not here by any accident. How I ended up here was of my own accord, and I could only blame myself if there were someone I wished to blame. Still… I wonder sometimes if I made the right choice: a split decision I made. It changed my life for the better, but it came with a heavy price. Being here is a gift... and a curse.
I sit in this same spot every sunset - under the shade of this oak tree on the edge of town. The town I call Ponyville. I almost regret doing what I did.
I’ve been here for a few months now, and that time has been amazing. At the same time, though, I miss the world I came from. I miss all the things I had there and don’t have here. Something’s missing, I guess. There’s no reason to stay and even less reason to leave.
I feel a hoof fall upon my lap as I stare down, lost in my thoughts. Purple coat. I know this touch. “What are you doing out here, Jack?” she asks. “It’s the Summer Sun Celebration; you should be partying with everypony else!” Her voice shifts from an optimistic overtone to a concerned undertone as she notices my lack of response or even - for that matter - acknowledgement as she speaks again: “Or at least not all the way out here by yourself. You’re really close to the Everfree Forest.”
A chuckle erupts from my belly. She sounds like Fluttershy, speaking of danger like that. Maybe her worries are founded. After all, she’s one of the reasons I’m here - no, the reason I’m here - and she seems to want to keep me safe. As safe as a human could be in Equestria, anyway. “You know, Twilight,” I reply with a bit of hesitance, “you shouldn’t have to worry so much about me. I can take care of myself.”
“I know… I know.”
“Sorry. I just need a bit of time to myself every now and again,” I lie. What I said doesn’t imply sitting under a tree feeling sorry for myself every evening I get the chance. My gaze wanders to the pony, who is staring right through my lies and into my deepest parts. I break eye contact.
Her tone again changes; this time, she speaks with the compassion one might hear from a psychologist (not that I would know). “Why do you come out here so often? I want to know. I want to know the real answer, the truth. Please.”
It takes me a moment to gather my thoughts. Simple question, it seems, yet I can’t seem to think of the answer. So I start with a statement that might lead me there: “Solitude helps me clear my head, but there’s more to it. Do you ever feel like you’re trapped… or that you don’t belong?”
The princess nods. Of course she has; I’ve seen it, and she’s told me all about it.
“Well,” I continue on, shifting positions to lay a hand upon her hoof, “imagine that your first trip there had become your last. You’re still there, right now, ever since that day. You can’t leave, and you can’t have any contact with the people- um, ponies, that you left: your family, your friends, your pets - anyone that you used to know, love, or care about. But, then again, the world you’ve gone to is several times better than the one you left. In your new world, there is so much more love in the air: so much more faith in everyone’s heart for everyone else and the world around them. How would that feel, Twilight? How would it feel to be in a better world, but trapped there without a way of going back and forth or even a way to just get back?”
I give her a minute or so after her ears droop down. I begin thinking that I may have upset her, so I gently rub back her mane with my free hand, catching her attention and taking the opportunity to smile. She smiles back and starts answering; maybe some thinking time was all she needed? Or maybe she didn’t want to answer…. “I’d… be devastated, Jack. I’d be happy, too, that I got to wherever I did, but I can’t imagine life without my family or my friends! Sometimes I even ask myself which is really more important to me.”
She sees the beginning of my regret now, but I try to make a better effort to explain anyway, just to drive home the point that I’m trying to make. “And imagine now that you knew about the world beforehand - hoof - and used to tell yourself that you’d trade it all away to live there, just because it would be so wonderful and perfect compared to your homeland. When the day came that you were given the chance, you acted quickly and without thinking twice. You look all around, and the almost perfect world is right there, almost like a dream come true! And it’s just as great as you imagined it would be! But… then you look around again and realize that the ‘door’- or, in my case, magical rift - that lead you there is now gone. In its place is a blank space: your home, reduced to nothing but a memory. Only you know how it feels to lose everything. Everything, Twilight. But, oh! The world, it’s so perfect! So pristine! So magical! All at the cost of everything you had before but the… the fur on your back.”
Again, she seems to feel disappointed with herself. Her gaze falls, like a disobedient puppy. I tend to her shame the best I can.
“I’m sorry, Sparkle. I don’t mean to sound so accusing or mean. Or scary, even if I’m almost twice your size. I just wanted to let you know how I feel. And I also want you to know that I don’t blame you for that spell you cast incorrectly. I should be thanking you. You gave me a chance to come through to your world, no matter how unintentionally, and it just so happened that I took that chance. It was me that didn’t know I wouldn’t be able to go back. It’s no one’s fault that no one has the magic capable of opening a portal back to Earth. I know that you tried, and I was indebted to you already. Why did you do that?”
She looks back up at me. I wrap my hand around her hoof, waiting with anticipation for her to answer. “I felt like I should fix my mistake and give you the choice to go back. But now, I’m not sure whether you want that, or not,” she says, but it’s more of an indirect question.
“That’s just the thing. I don’t know if I’d go back or not. Things could go wrong. For one, the portal could be too weak to reach to the other side, and I could be stuck in the weird limbo between this world and mine - but that’s not even the beginning. What if the flow of time isn’t consistent in the two universes? If I went back, either no time at all could have passed, or an innumerable amount of years could’ve gone by. Everyone I talked about could be dead. Heck, maybe they already are, and I just don’t know it. If I have to choose between knowing they’re dead versus not knowing and hoping that they live full, prosperous lives without me, I choose the latter. I’d be stuck between a rock and a hard place if you found a way to send me back. I have no real reason to stay, but I may have even less reason to leave.”
Twilight puts her other forehoof atop my hand, which is still holding the first. She puts an offer on the table. A kind offer. “I… I could erase your memories before you got here, if that’s what you want.”
I want to tell her that I’d like nothing more. I want to tell her to take everything from before then.
But it’s not what I want.
“I don’t want to forget. My life here would be so much easier if I didn’t have the memories, but what’s the point of going on anymore if you can’t even recall your own mother’s face? Besides, it wouldn’t be long before I ask why I look so different compared to everypony that lives here. I would notice it pretty quickly. Thanks for the offer though, Twilight. It was real nice of you.”
I can see her smirking now, her eyes not exactly on mine: just somewhere close, yet far off, too. She has an idea. “I could make you a pony, if you’d rather not be so different. I can tell that it doesn’t exactly make you comfortable being the way you are. There’s something I could change if you didn’t enjoy it.”
Dark humor? From her? I sure didn’t expect that. All the same…
“Now that offer I may just have to take up. Then again, I know that some ponies will be upset to see this body go away.” I smirk back in her direction. She’s making eye contact again, and she doesn’t like my evil sneer. “Yourself included.” I see the blood rise to her cheeks as I conclude my statement with a wink. Yet she does not break line of sight between us.
“I would not!” she denies.
“I can tell how badly you want to get it in your studies. ‘The Biology of a Human - Chapter One: In Comparison to Ponies.’”
“Have you been peeking at my lab notes?!”
I give a rather devilish smile. “Maybe.”
She groans. All my silly antics, and she still puts up with me. I should thank her someday. Better now, though. Before it gets cold. We’re losing daylight fast.
“Hey, Twilight, thanks for coming up to talk to me. I needed to get some things off my chest. I’m glad that you came to check on me. I’m not sure anypony else could have stayed awake through all my ramblings. But you did. Thank you.”
As I thank her, Twilight’s fake frown becomes a genuine smile. “I hope that means that I cheered you up enough to come and celebrate.”
“Oh, you bet. Maybe I’m rushing a bit, but I think I’ll go there as a pony… just to see if I’m recognized, of course.”
“You love the idea, don’t you?”
The devil returns. “Maybe just a little. By the way, if you have the power could you make sure I turn out becoming a unicorn? Something tells me I’m gonna miss these thumbs.”
For the first time I’ve known her, she sends me the same evil expression. “I’ll miss them more.”
“I bet you will.”
The End.