Fluttershy is a secret closet stoner. You, uh, you don't know how to react to that.
Rated T for Teletubbies Heavy OOC Warning
You are Anon, the sole human of Equestria. Despite you living here for quite a while, you still discover new things daily. And since a minute here is pretty much ten minutes on Earth, you can discover quite a lot in a single day.
One of those things is that Fluttershy is a stoner.
Who knew?
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I'm a piece of trash who writes crap when he's sick. (I'll probably take this down to rework on it later, y'know, when I'm not coughing my lungs out)
Oh, that 'Sex' tag is pretty much bull, but I feel like I need it there.
You didn't know what to expect. I mean, sure, there are a lot of horse things here that were the equivalent to human items, but nope, not once did this one item cross your mind. You couldn't help but stare at what was in front of you with a blank look.
"Ponka, what is that." Your tone was flat, for good reason too; the usually hyped-up-on-cocaine pink horse was flat-maned, staring with much intent at a television screen. Her hooves on a joystick controlled, two buttoned remote.
Playing a game.
To be honest, you knew what you were looking at, but you definitely needed reassurance. 8-bit vidya games in horseland? Insane. She didn't even look up to you as her eyes glanced cautiously around the screen; her character, a short blonde unihorse was attacking grass with a floating sword. Your eyes looked downwards to find the case, a sneaking suspicion crawled up your spine. I swear to God, if it's—"The Tail of Barrelda, it's this really badly translated game from Japone. But it's seriously one the best games out to date! My favorite character-" and there went the word vomit.
"Oookay. Well, can I play?" You really hoped so, it's been ages since you last played with anything. God, I sound like a child. The crazed horse vigorously shook her head in a negative manner.
"No way Poné! I've gotta stop Canon from taking over Hayrule!" The puns, they hurt. You physically twitched after she was done speaking; you take back what you've said many many times.
---
"There's no way I'm gonna want to kill myself over something stupid! This place is awesome!"
---
This place is stupid. You vaguely recall Applejack offering to sell poisoned apples in case you wanted somehorse dead. Does yourself count? Anyway, you gave a sigh of boredom as you practically threw yourself off of the couch. Might as well go check if the offer's still available.
Pink horse doesn't even acknowledge your disappearance. What a lovely feeling to have.
"Ah'm mighty sorry, Anahn. Ah don't got 'ny more a'them poison appuls, Miss Cheerilee bought the last bunch. Said somethin' about visitin' Sugar Belle. Ah've got some tranquil apples if'n yer interested!"
"Tranquil? What, like tranquility? I'll be ascended to something greater?"
"Nah, that's jus' silly Anahn! Tranquilizin' apples, y'know? Messin' with their chemical codes n'whatnot. They sure do a fine job a'knocking fellers out."
"Um, Applehat, what kinda apple farm is this again?"
"Beg yer parden?"
"Don't you sell, like, normal apples? Coulda sworn I saw that advertized somewhere before."
"Ohhh, ya'll mean that sky advertizin' Ah done paid Rainbow fer. Heh, pretty in-genesis if Ah do say so mahself. Which Ah do. Ah do say so mahself."
"Ingenious."
"That's what Ah done said."
"No, I'm positive you said 'in-genesis', I don't even know what the hell that means."
"What it means is Ah can be smart if'n Ah want ta. Don't go correctin' me on mah farm, Ah know what Ah said. If'n ya want to be all grammarmatically correct n'such, ya'll should just go buck heads with Twilight. 'Lestia knows Ah deal with her guff far more than I have ta."
"Wait, okay back up. Aren't you like friends with her? Aren't you, oh I dunno, supposed to deal with her? It's kinda part of the whole shtick you guys are pulling; the whole 'friendship is magic and magic is law' kinda thing. That shit's packaged."
"Ah don't give no flyin' hoot about that whole Elements a'Harmony fiasco. Back before Twilight done came to Ponyville, we had them actual appuls fer sale. Now? Ah'm offa the darn farm near twenty-fer-seven, these appuls are-a dyin' Anahn. We're barely scrapin' by with these!"
"It's the fact alone that this is a dialogue based chapter that I don't know what you're pointing at."
"u wan' sum succ? i give u the gud succ. wan' sum succ?" The seizure warning horse was floating by your side, begging for something. You just wish you could understand her, she sounds like one of those things. You know, those things that do the thing. It was awful and you wish you could put her out of her misery; it really sucks her friends need her to be an Element, she needs help.
"Crayola, please. I know you're in pain, I can see it in your eyes. One of these days this'll be over for you soon." Despite her flying, you still manage to scratch behind her ear. You knew it must have brought her at least a little comfort.
"am wet now, very. this mean you want fucc instead of the succ? will do the fucc, plz." An odd aroma broke your nostril barrier, which you assume was the horse next to you, but you held your tears back. The poor thing was so dumb it urinated itself. You steel through it and continue to scratch behind its ears. Poor thing.
"Would you want to come with me to Firefly's? I've got to ask her something about mental diseases now, maybe she can help me help you." You offered with a sad smile; the winged horse's pupils widen and her face reddens. She must be more mentally ill than you thought! Without the will to hold your tears back any further, you cry for your horse friend.
"twilight will join the fucc? she will succ? rainbow ready for sum good fucc! three fucc with succ!" And with that, your mental friend flew off to who knows where. She didn't answer your question sadly.
"Didn't or... couldn't?" You brought your hand up to your mouth to choke back a sob. You continue about your journey, determined more then ever to ask the one mare that could help.
"Anon! Thank The All-Mother you're here!" You didn't even step through the goddamn door, is she psychic? "Yes! Now come in, come in! I've got to show you something absolutely wonderful!" Your mouth flatlines as you push the door open—which fell promptly onto the ground. Oookay.
"Um, Firefly? Did you break your door... and, uh, how?" Your question is pretty much ignored, making you feel like an utterly needless tool. The magic unihorse wasn't in the front room, so that probably explains it.
Probably not.
"Anon! I've discovered the answer to what you've been asking for the past [undisclosed] years now! I found a way to take you home!" Her voice travels through the entirety of the castle, with an intensity equal to the amount of pure shock—a little joy too—to her statement.
"A-a way home? W-when?!" You tear down the main hall in search of your would-be savior. Fuck this planet and everything on it! Honestly, you were so happy you forgot the main reason why you needed or wanted to stop by in the first place.
"I've discovered it last night! It was so simple, that's why I overlooked it! Get in here!" Before you can even ask where 'here' is, you're engulfed in a purplish-pink aura before everything goes white.
Aaaaand now you're standing in the middle of what looks like a sex dungeon.
You blink.
You blink again.
And once more, for dramatic effect. "Firefly."
"Yeeees, Anon?" Her voice sounds from behind you; you very much so don't want to turn around, but sadly, as the saying goes, curiousity fucked over the curious. Your eyes are greeted to a very much latex covered Firefly Windowsill. Her posterior the only place without that black-spandex-esque suit.
You. Have. No. Words—weeell, save for a few. "Um, Firefly? How do I get home from here?" Your innocent mind doesn't even know how to process this.
"Well, the gate is locked, Anon, but you have the key. You gotta shove your monkey cock into my pleasure hole, it's the only way."
And your innocent mind breaks.
Now that you think about it, you'd rather stay with these horses than risk any kind of disease on your way home. You turn around, flip her off, and leave. You hear her wink after you.
"... and yeah, that was my day so far." You bring the little teacup to your lips, sipping in what tastes like pomegranate tea ground together with a hint of mint. It was something else, made by the female horse sitting across from you; Roseluck, your best friend in all of horse land.
"Sheesh, sounds to me like your luck's run out pal. All of those years, tormenting half of Yakyakistan's children calling yourself the Krampus or something. Finally catching up with you, eh?" She lights up her horn with a dainty little smile on her face. We agreed to never bring that up again!
"Hey! It was one month, not years. Don't put words in my mouth. And no, my luck has not run out. For your information, I found out today that I have a way home if I want to go." You set your teacup down on the table, crossing your arms and turn away from the horse. A 'harumph' leaves you as you snootily look up.
When you don't hear any reply come from her, you open an eye and look her way. A sad glint lays in her eyes. "You're not going to though, right?" Her question was quiet, but you heard it. You give a fake considering look for several seconds, Roseluck's lip slowly begins to tremble, before you let loose a loud-
"Oh HELL no! The cost of that trip is probably going to get me sent to jail as soon as I get back. What do you take me for? Besides, no way am I leaving my B.H.H.F.I.A.O.E. behind!" You carelessly toss the table aside and hug the mare, a light 'squee' comes from her.
"We really need to work on that acronym, Anon. 'Best Horse/Human Friends in All of Equestria' is way too long." She says in the embrace. You only give a hum in response as you put her down. A roll from her eyes signals you to speak.
"Nah, I like it. Unique, y'know? Anyway, you were saying you needed some more flowers from the Everfree right? Before this whole conversation started?"
"Yeah, I'd appreciate it a lot! And I'll pay you!"
"Pfft, come on, Rose. I've told you before, ain't gonna take pay from you. 'Sides, gotta stop by Flutterbutter's anyway. She was gonna ask some fish to jump into my oven for me."
Usually you don't knock. You don't really give a fuck to bother, so what is sitting in front of you definitely came as a surprise. Percolator bong in hoof, Flutterbutter's white-tinted-red eyes look hazily into your own. A particular smell invades your nose; one you're not too familiar with, but know it all-the-same. "Heeey mane, could you like, close the door brah? Gonna let all this great THC out." Again, twice in the same day, your lips flatline as you stare at the winged horse.
"Uh, Flutterbutter. Are you—are you smoking pot?" You purse your lips as an eyebrow raises down to her. The bunny at her side coughs violently, pulling a doobie away from its muzzle thing.
She looks at her companion and laughs a little, placing the bong on her other side as she gets up. Moving over to you, the smell is definitely stronger than it was before. "Looook dude, don't—don't tell nopony uh'kay? I-" she snickers mid-sentence, looking back to Angel attempting to use the larger-than-him bong, doobie placed in an ashtray. "I'm not supposed t'be seen like this mane, but it's too fun not to do."
You don't really have a response to this. Of all the things that happened today, this one by far took the cake... or toked the cake? Either or, the horse in front of you was high. She was a high horse and you didn't know what to do. Flutterbutter waits patiently for your response, her eyes blinking at an alarmingly slow rate, slower than that one tortoise's. "Uh."
"Nah, nah. Say no more! I gotchu fam, come on, lemme introduce you to the world of whead."
"Weed?"
"No mane, whead. Gotta really emphasize that 'h' 'cause this shit's made outta wheat, ya dig?" She takes her hoof in your loose clenched hand and practically drags you into her cottage. Me thinks the flowers'll have to wait.
